WIVES AND HUSBANDS (1): ENRICHING RELATIONSHIPS

(Ephesians 5:22-33)

One of the great constants in life is relationships, is it not? Friendships,

marriage relationships, work relationships, parent/child relationships. They
often bring great joy – but let’s admit it, they can also be a pain in the neck.
They can be difficult. They can be stifling. One comedian said, “The
difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in
prison they let you play softball on the weekends.” He was feeling a bit
confined apparently. Sometimes we feel that the other person in a
relationship does not understand us. One fellow was going with a girl who
broke up with him complaining that he was always correcting her. In an
attempt to get back together she called him and said, “Eddie, we need to
talk.” He responded, “My name is Eric,” to which she replied, “See?! I
can’t say anything right around you.” Relationships are tough. Sherry
and Jessica rented an apartment together to save money, but when they
moved in, Jessica brought along her enormous collection of old magazines.
Took up a whole room. In exasperation Sherry said, “It’s me or the
magazines.” When Jessica refused to part with any of them, Sherry moved
out. Later she told her friends that Jessica just had too many issues!

Truth is, all people who have issues. Maybe us too! Sometimes it is enough
to make us feel that we just don’t want to be around people anymore. So –
what should we do? Move into a monastery? I don’t think so, and the
reason I say that is that God, in His Word, anticipates relationships. In fact,
He invented them. They go wrong because of the effects of the Fall, but
God’s goal is not therefore to do away with them. His goal as stated in Eph
1:10 is to ultimately “to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things
on earth.” God is not about ending relationships. He is about restoring
them in Christ. It is part of his plan to reverse the curse. The cross made
reconciliation possible between God and man. Simultaneously it made
possible the restoration of relationships between people. Relationships are
about living in the shadow of the cross. The great mystery that Paul refers
to throughout His epistles is that broken relationships between Jew and
Gentile are mended in Christ. Christianity is never merely a matter of the
me and God – it always involves other persons, It is in relationships that
God demonstrates His character and His love in a visible manner.

So – Eph 5:22 through 6:4, God instruction on relationships. He tackles

marriage, parenting and work relationships. All of it is really a continuation
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of the section dealing with walking in wisdom. It’s part of the section that
begins in 5:15, “15) Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as
wise.” It is also a continuation of the results listed for a Spirit-filled person
– one who is allowing his or her life be controlled by the Spirit of God. We
are about to encounter God’s wisdom regarding relationships and the
assumption is that we are serious about our faith – in daily submission to
the Holy Spirit. God’s principles enrich relationships. Two ways.

I. Relationships are Enriched by Christian Doctrine

It is interesting that when Paul speaks of marriage, he uses doctrine as his

jumping off point. He teaches about Christ and the Church, weaving in how
this relates dramatically to daily Christian living. When properly
understood, doctrine always relates to daily life. Christianity cannot just
be about what happens in church on Sunday. In fact, it is not even
mainly about that. If it is only on Sunday, it is not true Christianity. It is
hypocrisy, and no one hates hypocrisy worse than Jesus because it takes
people straight to hell even while they think they are okay. You will recall
His words to the Pharisees in Matthew 23:13, “But woe to you, scribes and
Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s
faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to
go in. Jesus was very direct. Six times in the following 16 verses He calls
them hypocrites and tells them why. Believe me, we do not want to belong
to that crowd. There was a man in the Army of Alexander the Great who
was also named Alexander. He was accused of cowardly actions and
brought before Alexander, who asked what his name was. He replied softly,
“Alexander.” “I can’t hear you,” the ruler stated. The man again said, a
little louder, “Alexander.” The process was repeated one more time, after
which Alexander the Great commented, “Either change your name or
change your conduct.” The point is, if we are going to call ourselves
Christian, we must walk like Christ -- and we are about to enter holy ground
teaching us how to conduct ourselves as wise, Spirit-filled people.
Relationships will never work unless we are living under the control of the
Holy Spirit on a daily basis.

If you are only a Sunday morning Christian, it is very likely that you are not
a Christian at all. That’s what Jesus was saying to those Pharisees who
were much more faithful than any of us to make the Sabbath Day and keep
thousands of other prescriptions that they thought made them holy as well.
But their heart did not belong to God. If your heart belongs to God it will
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affect your daily life. Life is not lived in compartments. We cannot be a
Christian on Sunday morning and live our secular life the rest of the week
without reference to our faith. Christianity must enter the business phase of
my life, the marriage phase of my life, the entertainment phase of my life –
every phase of my life. That is the burden of Paul’s message here.

Which means -- you cannot expect to gain anything from the teaching in
the next few weeks if you are anything less than a committed Christian.
God didn’t just throw out a few words of advice about marriage and
children and bosses in isolation. These words are for those who desire
wisdom – who long for God’s control in their lives. The instruction will be
hard at times. The Bible comforts and afflicts – sometimes at the same
time. But those who are wise will take heed. I pray that is us. Changed
lives, not deeper knowledge, is the test of obedience over the next weeks.

II. Relationships are Enriched by Christian Submission

A. Submission as the Antithesis of Self

Now, the key word for Eph 5:15 through 6:9. It is found in verse 21,
“submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The key word?
--submission. As we saw last week, a concept that is out of fashion today –
politically incorrect – in fact, political suicide. It is totally at variance with
contemporary attitudes of permissiveness and freedom. Sociologist and
theologian, David Wells, has written that sometime in the 1960’s,
something decisive happened in American culture. Along with the social
upheavals, the antiwar sentiment, and the student revolts, a new way of
looking at life emerged. Most people missed it at the time. It lay hidden
beneath the surface unrest. What happened was more than social turbulence.

In a nutshell, what happened was that our individualism, always a potent

factor in American life, turned inward in this decade. It withdrew from the
outside world. And during the 1960s a new worldview emerged. To a great
majority of Americans, it now became clear that the self had become the
source of all values. The pursuit of the self is what life is all about. Prior
to this it had been accepted as the norm that self-interest should be
subjugated to the mores, customs and practices of a society which still
had a morality based on Scripture. But liberal theology had undermined
Scripture to the point that that objective standard was no longer accepted.
Conformity for the sake of conformity was unacceptable to a new
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generation and self-expression, self-fulfillment and self-promotion, self-
authentication, self-worth – in short self, not society or God, became the
new order of things.

Concepts of sin, guilt, repentance and redemption, with no biblical

standard to give them meaning, were swept away in the rush to elevate self
to the throne. This affected every facet of society in profound ways. For
example, self-esteem became the new excuse for unacceptable juvenile
behavior. We now have not a few public schools who have banned
competitive games because they damage the self-esteem of those who do
not win. Those schools have so elevated self-esteem over performance,
feeling good over doing well, that we have produced a nation of children
whose estimate of themselves is sky-high but whose academic performance
now lags behind many other nations -- some who are our economic
competitors. In one College Board survey of almost 1,000,000 high school
students in America, only 2% rated themselves below average in leadership
ability. When it came to getting along with others, 0% rated themselves
below average, 60% rated themselves in the top 10%, and 25% in the top
1%! Confidence is in – inferiority complexes are out! Years of careful
nurture have brought triumph, and now our children are really feeling good
about themselves. And yet study after study has failed to show any
correlation between self-esteem and improved morality.

Is it any wonder that in this environment that the word submission is taken
as a personal affront? Ours is an age of liberation (not least for women,
children and workers), and anything savoring of oppression is deeply
resented and strongly resisted. How are Christians to react to this modern
mood? First, we must say much of the change is welcome. Women in
many cultures have been and are being exploited, being treated like
servants in their own home and far worse in much of our modern world.
Conditions are despicable. In the past children have often been suppressed
and squashed, not least in Victorian England in which they were supposed
to be ‘seen and not heard’. And workers have been unjustly treated, being
given inadequate wages and working conditions, and an insufficient share in
responsible decision-making, not to mention the appalling injustices and
barbarities of slavery and the slave trade.

Nothing in the paragraphs we are about to study is inconsistent with the true
liberation of human beings from all humiliation, exploitation and
oppression. On the contrary, to whom do women, children and workers
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chiefly owe their liberation? Is it not to Jesus Christ? It is Jesus Christ who
treated women with courtesy and honor in an age in which they were
despised. It is Jesus Christ who said ‘Let the children come to me’ in a
period of history in which unwanted babies were consigned to the local
rubbish dump (as they are today to the hospital incinerator), or abandoned
in the Forum for anybody to pick up and rear for slavery or prostitution.
And it is Jesus Christ who taught the dignity of manual labor by working
himself as a carpenter, washing his disciples’ feet and saying, ‘I am among
you as one who serves.’

When biblical teaching on submission is used to foster and continue

exploitation of people in any way, it is reprehensible. But -- the fact that it
has been misused and abused does not abrogate the pivotal truth that
submission is at the root of establishing relationships which are truly
biblical, edifying and Christ-honoring. There is great danger in acting
against something right because it has been misused. Mark Twain used to
say we don’t want to be like the cat that sat on a hot stove-lid. One thing is
sure – she will never sit on a hot stove lid again – and that is all well and
good, but neither will she sit again on a cold one. Overreaction. It’s like
the star player on a basketball team getting criticized for shooting too much
– so the next game he doesn’t shoot at all. Is that the proper response? Of
course not. The fact that he had abused his skill did not mean that it was
not valuable. Beloved, so it is with the concept of submission.

B. Submission as Blessing of God

Godly submission is not a penalty; it is a blessing. We saw last week that it

is a military word. How would the military look if everyone were a private?
Anyone could do whatever he or she wanted. How about if everyone were
a general? Same problem – different rank, right? Any organization
requires order – whether it is General Motors, the local A&W or the school
district. Without order, there is chaos. Where does the need for order come
from? Get this, dear people, for it is nothing less than a primary
characteristic of God Himself. He is a God of order. Within the Godhead,
the Father is ultimate authority. The Son constantly striving to do the will
of the Father, and the Spirit testifies to the Son. In instructing our
submission to Him and the authorities He has placed in our lives He is
replicating Himself! This is one more way for us to reflect His character
and His genius. Such demonstration will always be to our good as well.

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Refusal to obey is to be insanely foolish -- like Joe Blow. Joe was a young
real estate salesman – intensely proud of his new red Cadillac. But he
cruised into the bad part of town. At a stoplight a giant thug hauled him out
of the driver’s seat, drew a circle around him in the road, and told him not
to step out of the circle on penalty of his life. The highjacker then started to
demolish the Caddie, beginning with the headlights and windows. He heard
Joe snickering, but he moved on to the body and engine. The giggles
continued. Finally, he came over with his crowbar and said, “What are you
laughin’ at? Your fancy car’s never gonna run again.” Snickering, the
young man replied, “So? Ever since you’ve been tearing up my car, I’ve
been stepping in and out of this circle the whole time.”

That’s like us when we refuse God’s order in our relationships. We take

pride in our cleverness -- stepping in and out of the circle – getting by with
having our own way – rejecting the relationship roles He has ordained. We
take pleasure in trifles when all the while, the structure of our existence is
collapsing around us. Beloved – it happens every day when people insist
on living in rebellion against the Lord’s will. God did not make
submission the core of successful relationships to make our lives a
misery, He did it to save them from misery. To walk wisely is to cooperate
with His plan.

C. Hierarchy of Submission
Now, I want us to see one more thing this morning and that is that there are
what I would call “levels” of submission for lack of a better term.

1. General Submission

It is found in Eph 5:21, “submitting to one another out of reverence for

Christ.” From this verse, every believer has a responsibility to live in a
submissive manner toward every other believer. As we saw last week,
Paul expands on this idea in Philippians 2:3-4, “3) Do nothing from rivalry or
conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4) Let
each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of
others.” This is a general call to selflessness, an invitation to establish a
lifestyle that puts others first, and it applies to every relationship regardless
of who has the predominate position. In marriage, this would mean that
both husband and wife have a certain responsibility to be putting the needs
of the other ahead of their own. This is what I like to call the 100%

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principle. Most people enter marriage thinking it is their job to meet the
other person half way, but the Bible’s position goes way beyond that.

The Bible says “each for the other.” My will subordinated to that of my
partner. That doesn’t mean I am required to help them down a road that is
not good for them. It is their “interests”, not their “desires” that I am to
look out for. But that is submission – putting the will of others above my
own. Giving up my rights to enable others in their Christian walk.

In the summer of 1986, two ships collided in the Black Sea off the coast of
Russia. Hundreds died as they were hurled into the icy waters below. The
cause? It wasn’t a technology problem or even thick fog. The cause was
human stubbornness. Each captain was aware of the other’s presence. Both
could have steered clear, but according to news reports, neither captain
would give way to the other. They were playing Chicken on the Black Sea.
Just like people insisting on their rights in marriage are playing chicken
with their relationship! By the time they came to their senses, it is likely to
be too late, like it was for the captains on the Black Sea. That is what the
Lord is asking us to avoid when He asks us to be submitting to one another
out of reverence for Christ. It is the same thing Christ was asking when He
asked us to turn the other cheek, to go the second mile, and to give your
shirt, too, to the one who takes your coat. Be a giver, not a taker. Bury
your rights right there with your old sin nature. Tough assignment.
General submission.

2. Specific submission

But then God also requires more specific submission to specific authorities
He has created. In the passage before us, we see wives being asked to
submit to husbands. In Romans 13:1, “1) Let every person be subject (same
word) to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from
God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” Then we get an
even more emphatic requirement in other relationships. Submission
intensified, if you will. In Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey (an imperative
form of submission) obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” In 6:5:
“5) Slaves (or we could substitute employees), obey your earthly masters
with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ.”
Authority is built into the warp and woof of society. Without it we would
have chaos. For it all to function, there must be submission. Now the
authority has an awesome responsibility which we will talk about, but
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before we worry about authorities, we must get our minds around God’s
requirement for submission. It is key to the whole thing. It even exists in
the church. Hebrews 13:17, “17) Obey your leaders and submit to them, for
they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an
account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be
of no advantage to you.” It’s almost like God knew the church would have
more trouble with this than anyone and so he uses both the word obey and
submit! But please notice it is all to our advantage. God never asks us to
do something to our detriment. Can you begin to glimpse what a difference
it would make in our relationships if we actually put this into practice?!

Conclusion

Submission of our most stubborn wills is at the heart of all the gospel
teaching. Even the shape of the Lord’s Prayer distinguishes it from all other
prayers: it begins in heaven and comes down to earth. Our prayers move in
the opposite direction. They begin on earth and go toward heaven. But
Jesus Christ goes in the other direction. He reverses the heavenly ladder of
all the Pharisees in the world. Instead of asking God to do what we want,
the Lord’s prayer puts us at His service, listening for His instructions.
“Your will, not ours, yours! be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” Life is
about the subordination of my will, not the exercise of it.

Paul Tournier, in his wonderful book, The Person Reborn, says this, “The
truth of the paradox of the Gospel can be verified, that whoever seeks to
gain his life will lose it, and vice versa. It is what John Stuart Mill said
about happiness, that the only way to achieve it is not to seek it.” Tournier
quotes an elderly unmarried woman: “The more I try to leave my brother
and sister-in-law in the intimacy they are so jealous of, the more they
press me to join them.” He goes on to tell of a young woman who told him
this story: “I went for a walk in the country, and found some excellent
little wild fruit on a bush. I was thinking that it was a sort of present from
God, when I heard the sound of approaching footsteps. My first reaction
was to move away so as not to reveal my find to anyone else and so have
to share it. At once a battle took place in me – my new attitude meant
sharing everything. I spoke to the lady who had come up to me, and she
replied, to my delighted surprise: “Just over there you’ll find a lot more
even better ones!” He concludes that the more we practice true submission,
the day comes when we realize that the more we give up the more we
receive. Relationships are tough – but as we begin to deal with them
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according to God’s principles, they can become great builders of
character, great means of demonstrating the God we serve, and great
means of experiencing God’s grace. We’re going to be very practical and
thorough in the weeks to come. There will be repetition. But that’s because
the latest studies show that people only remember 5% of what they heard 3
days later. That’s average. With my sermons that could be as low as 1%,
so I never worry about repetition. But I urge you to be here. We have
much to learn and much to put into practice, beginning with submission to
one another. Let’s pray.