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Nnnus n Bnno oF BRoTHERS
Dssp rN Hrs HEART, EVERy MAN wANTS To BE A pART oF A
team that does something great. Just look at the movies men adore. A
team comes together to save the world, steal the money, or win the
championship. The Lord of the Rtngs, X-Men, The Mawk, Saving Private
Ryan, Ocean's Eleven, Remember the Titans-dozens of these movies hit
the screens each year. They feature a band of brothers who attempt the
dangerous, the outrageous, the impossible. (Nowadays there's usually a
woman on the team, but she's as angular and muscled as a man.) Each
member of the team has a specialty and makes a vital contribution.
They take turns saving each other's life.
A band of brothers. Though he may not reaTize it, every man longs
to be part of one. It's the modelJesus left us. If the church was offering
this kind of fellowship-united in purpose, mutually supportive, and
accomplishing great things-you would not be able to blast men out of
the church.
God looked at Adam and said, "It is not good for the man to be
alone" (Gen. 2:18 Nrv). Yet evidence suggests most men are alone, iso-
lated, and friendless-even at church. Gallup reported that 51 percent
of,.women had a best friend in their congregation, while only 35 per.
cent of men did.' Dan Erickson and Dan Schaeffer observe, "Even in
the church, very few men have close friends. For the most part, men are
spiritually fed but relationally bankrupt."'
You can implement every suggestion in this book, and men will still
fall away if they do not find a band of brothers to run with. According
to John Eldredge, men need a little platoon where they can be real,
222
EVERY MAN NEEDS A BAND OF BROTHERS IIt
where they challenge each other in their faith, where no one gets left
behind.
So how do we get men into platoons if they don't even like to go to
church?
First, fight the Lone Ranger mentaliry in our churches. christianity
has evolved into a me-and-God pursuit: read your Bible (alone), pray
(alone), come ro church (alone in a crowd). This spiritual individualism
is killing men.
Second, see little platoons as the basic unit of the church rather than
a desirable add-on. Small discipleship groups must become the cells
that form the body rather than appendages to the existing church body.
Ideally, Sunday morning church should be a garhering of litde platoons
to form the larger redemptive communiry.
Finally, create an environment where men can form meaningful
relationships. Pat Morley tells of a church that attracted large numbers
to its men's events, but few men grew spiritually despite the great
teaching: "Then the pastor decided to recruit shepherds to lead their
small groups instead of teachers. When the men had the opportuniry
to [talk about] what was going on in their lives (instead of having some-
one lecrure them), they began to open up. By building around relation-
ships, the church has grown tremendously."' Hear that? When men
started forming little platoons, the entire church grew! Masculine rela-
tionships build the church, and they build men.
RrlmlonsulPs: A Mlnnrnln FoR MEN
Relationships are a sensitive area for the average fellow Here are four
things you should know about men and relationships:
1. Though Men Want and N eed Relationships,
Thry Rarely llse the Term or Think Relationally
The term relanonship is loaded. A lot of guys have messed up every
relationship they've ever had, so they associate the word with hurt, mis-
understanding, and pain. In a man's mind, relationships are something
men have with women, not with other men. A man has to overcome a
truckload of fear and suspiciontohaye arelationship with another man.
 tt'l MEETING MEN,S DEEPEST NEEDI
As I said in an earlier chapter, men comprehend relationships in
terms of activify. Ken has his work buddies, his fishing buddies, hii
football buddies, and so on. Ken would never approach another man
and say, "Hey, Roger, can we have a relationship?" Such a request would
arouse suspicion, because it's not expressed in terms of activiry Instead,
Ken would say, "Hey, Roger, let's go fishing." Ken and Roger could go
fishing every weekend for thirry years and never describe what they
have as a relntionship.
My advice: avoid the term relationship altogerher when dealing with
guys. At my church, we don't encourage folks to have relationships,
Instead, we encourage them to get !)artnered up. partnership strggests
activify and a goal. It's a term that motivates men and women.
2, Women Form Relationships Face-to-Face;
Men Form Relationships Side by Side
In the church we form relationships the feminine way. Wb put
people in circles and ask them to share. But men form relationshipe
while doing something else-driving a truck, going fishing, painring a
wall, or working on a car. Have you ever noticed when a man wants to
talk, he'll often suggest going for a drive? Men are intimidated by face.
to-face communication.
You may say "Our church has guys in small groups sharing their
hearts every week. They communicate face-to-face." But I'll bet these are
the higtrly verbal and relational men, or rhose who've been in church for
years. If you want to create an environment where any kind of man can
get into a little platoon, give men side-by-side bonding opporrunities.
The support groupstyle cirde is just too intimidating for many guys.
3. The Deepest Male Relationships
Are Formed in a Crucible
Men develop lasting friendships when theyve suffered rogerher. The
bonds formed on a battlefield are enduring. One time I asked my father
who his best friend was. He identified an old army buddy he'd hardly spo-
ken to in thirty years. Men who have competed together, sweat togethe!
bled together, and overcome adversity together are bonded for life.
For most women, relationships are easy put two together over latt6s,
EVERY MAN NEEDS A BAND OF BROTHERS 22t
and within minutes their hearts are open. But for many men, sruggle is the
only satisfactory backdrop for relationship. Let me give you an example,
Here in Alaska, men build their relationships through outdoor activities'
TVo guys will plan a hunting trip for six months. They'Il spend thousands
of dollars on gear and transportation. Then it's a week slogging through
mud, sleeping on hard ground in the cold, facing dangeq deprivation, and
adversity. Finally after the pair have suffered and overcome enough chal-
lenges, the men open up and tell what's on their hearts.
4, Don't Push Men Tbo Far,
Too Fast, or Thq'llPult '\vvay
You can'tjust throw men together and expect them to become broth-
ers.It takes time. Sometimes we drive men off when we push for too
much depth too soon. I have a friend who, inspired byJesus' example,
decided to wash the feet of his small men's group during their first
meeting. This was too much, too soon. Most of the men were no-shows
the next week. Christ waited three years to gain that level of trust with
His disciples. Pushing the process will torpedo a men s group.
Mnn Nnnn r RnmnousxlP I,IITH GoD
It's not enough for men to connect with each other; they need to con-
nect with God. Our churches are fu1l of men who l<now about God, but
who do not know God personally.
not'Am I saved, confirmed, baptized,
For men the key question is
a church member, a practicing Catholic, a believer, a Christian, or
Spirit filled?" All of these things are good, but they do not get to the
heart of the matter. The real question is not one of status but one of
practice: 'Am I walking with God? Am I followingJesus Christ today?"
Pastor Karl Clauson fiequently receives worried parents in his office.
They have adolescent or young adult children who are living a self-
destructive lifestyle. The conversation often goes like this:
PastoR: IsJohnny a follower of Jesus Christ?
. MorHsR: Well, he went to this camp when he was twelve, and
heaccepted...
 MEETING MEN,S DEEPEST NEEDS

PastoR: Wait a minute. Time out. IsJohnny a follower of Jesus

Christ?

FaTHsR: At fifteen he went through confirmation . . .

PesroR: Hang on. IsJohnny a follower of Jesus Christ today?

Once men are saved/confirmed/baptjzedlmembers, we tend to for-

get about them. We teach them principles and give them moral guid'
ance, but we do not show them how to walk with God. The average
churchgoing guy has no idea how to followJesus for three reasons: (1) he
has never been shown hov/ to do it, (2) he has never seen another man
doing it (other than a pastor), and (l) he thinks it's about religious prac-
tice and moral living.
We call men to confirmation, church membership, and salvation
because we can count these things. We can report them to headquar-
ters. It's harder to count the number of men walking with God, but is
there anything more important to the health of your church? Men
need to followJesus Christ, but we cannot expect them to do it alone.
It takes spiritual fathers and a band of brothers. It takes a team.
I've only scratched the surface of these important topics. If you
want to learn more, visit my Web site at www.churchformen.com. For
more on spiritual fathering, visit wwwbuildingbrothers. org.

Lnevn No Mm Bnnlnn
Jack received Christ during an invitation at his local church. Two
months later, he no longer went to church, had lost all contact with
believers, and was not living any discernible Christian life. More than
half of Christian conversions end this way.'
What if a spiritual father had taken responsibiliry for Jack? What if
he'd been scooped up by a little platoon of men and discipled? With a
band of brothers spurring him on, do you thinkJack would abandon
the faith just eight weeks later? That's the strength of a little platoon-
no man gets left behind.