Finding Fulfillment in God

When My Arms Were Empty

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 Marsha Iddings

Finding Fulfillment in God

When My Arms Were Empty

Sufficient Grace Publishing

Clarkston, Washington

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©2007 by Marsha Iddings

Published by Sufficient Grace Publishing

Printed by Lulu in the United States of America

www.lulu.com

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.

Marsha Iddings

Email: truthsetsfree@clarkston.com

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This book is dedicated to those
whose arms are empty.

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 About the Author

I live with my husband, Rick, two children, dog and three fish
in Eastern Washington. Both of our children were surprises from
God. I have been home-schooling them for the past nine years and
wouldn’t want to miss the blessing of seeing them learn and grow.
Through difficult times, God has given me much comfort and
encouragement. He is still teaching me and changing me through
difficult circumstances and changes in my life. For a long time I was
thinking in terms of coping with what God has allowed into my life.
However, God has changed my perspective from merely coping with
things to embracing the changes in my life. The difference is this:
When I merely cope with what is happening, it is all on the physical
level, my own sheer will power to manage. However, when I embrace
the changes that have come, I go beyond what I see to the unseen
through faith and draw on the strength God offers me. I see
difficulties and change in my life as an opportunity for growth instead
of something to simply cope with. Some days I do better at this than
other days. Sometimes I need my perspective adjusted. As you can
see in my journal, there are ups and downs to how I am feeling about
things. Thankfully, God is steady, never wavering, and I can cling to
Him in times of instability.

Genesis 41:52 For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my

affliction.

Marsha Iddings

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 Preface
For the most part, the grammar and punctuation has been left in tact
as it originally appears in my journal to preserve the tone and
emotions of those times.

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 Table of Contents

Introduction 11
My Birthday, 1989 13
Infertility Encouragement 14
Mark of Ownership 15
Yet I Will Rejoice in the Lord 15
Like Them That Go Down Into the Pit 16
Battles 17
God Has a Plan for Us 18
Making Plans 20
How to Fight Battles 21
Mother’s Day 24
Confusion 25
Jesus said, “Follow Me!” 26
Helping God 26
The Ungodly Prosper 28
A Great Affliction 29
Finding Fulfillment and Completeness 30
Is It a Cruel Joke? 31
Resentment 31
Don’t Race Your Engine 32
Waiting for the Adoption 33
How to Comfort Someone 34
Emily and Her Baby 35
Crushed Hopes 38
Finding Baby Bargains 39
What Are My Motives for Wanting a Child? 39
A Big Surprise! 40

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\

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 Introduction

I have shared my heart, in the pages that follow, about our

struggle to conceive and carry a child to term, and the emotional roller
coaster of trying to adopt. These are select excerpts taken direct from
my journals with commentary added in a few places.
My purpose and prayer is three-fold:

1. To validate the emotions of those who find themselves

on this path
2. To encourage them to find their fulfillment in God
alone
3. To help friends and relatives of infertile couples to
understand what they are going through so they can
better support and encourage them by what they say
and do

I realize that not all couples will have the happy ending that
we did. I pray that they may be able to still find spiritual
encouragement through the pages of my journal and that God would
fill the empty place in their hearts with Himself.

Marsha Iddings

To order more books go to Marsha’s Storefront

http://www.lulu.com/Marsha-Iddings

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My Birthday, 1989

It was my 32nd birthday, August 23, 1989. Rick and I had

been married for five years already. My journal entry for that day
begins with…

Some encouragement and exhortation for me:

Psalm 37
Verse 1 “Fret not thyself…” What am I fretting about?
1. Health
2. Bills
3. Want a baby
Verse 3 “Trust in the Lord…” God is in control. He can
handle it!
Verse 4 “Delight thyself…in the Lord…” Spend time with
God and enjoy it!
Verse 5 “Commit thy way unto the Lord…” Give the
problems to God and ask His direction.
Verse 7 “…wait patiently for him…” Give God time to
work. Let Him work by His time-table…not
mine.
Verse 8 “Cease from anger…” Don’t be angry with God
or others if things don’t go “my way”.
Verse 9 “Wait upon the Lord…” Allow God time to do
His perfect will.

Looking Back:

We had been trying for three years, by this time, to have a

baby and start our family. I had had a miscarriage. It was very early
in the pregnancy and no one knew that I was pregnant. When it
happened, we just never told anyone and tried to forget about it. I
never grieved over the loss or wrote about it in my journal. Then one
day, eighteen years later a friend miscarried twins. I grieved with her,
but as I read through John MacArthur’s book, “Safe in the Arms of
God”, that I bought to help comfort her, I found that for the first time,
I was able to grieve for the one I lost and find comfort knowing that
my baby is in heaven..

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 Since we didn’t share our loss with anyone, I didn’t have to endure
the comments some people make. Others have had to endure remarks
like,
“Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again!”
“Maybe there was something wrong with the baby. It’s better this
way.”
These comments are very hurtful. I’m glad I didn’t have to
endure them. However, I wish we had been able to grieve at the time
of my miscarriage. Perhaps I would not have been blind-sided by the
grief that came out of no where when my friend had her miscarriage.

Infertility Encouragement

August 24, 1989

Genesis 18:14 Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time
appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and
Sarah shall have a son.

Luke 1:36- 37 And, behold, thy cousin Elisabeth, she hath also
conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her,
who was called barren. For with God nothing shall be impossible.

1Samuel 1:17- 18 Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the
God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him. And
she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman
went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad.

1Samuel 1:20 Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come
about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his
name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD.

Hebrews 11:11 Through faith also Sara herself received strength to

conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age,
because she judged him faithful who had promised.

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 God’s Mark of Ownership

October 26, 1989

Nahum 1:7 The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble;
and he knoweth them that trust in him.

It has been good therapy for me to sit down at the computer

and write about my spiritual discoveries and struggles…One thing
that came to my mind was a concept I had learned at Institute in Basic
Youth Conflicts. It was on learning to accept myself as I am and
realizing that my imperfections are my unique mark of God’s
ownership. Like the notch the shepherd puts in the sheep’s ear to
mark him as his, God has brought these health problems to me as a
reminder to me of Who I belong to. It’s His mark of ownership…I
want to see (it) as a reminder that I belong to Jesus and realize that He
is using these trials to conform me to His image, to make me more
Christ-like. Also to prove to me that He is all-sufficient and will
provide for my every need. Indeed, God is good and He is a
stronghold for me on days when I struggle and it is comforting to
know that He does know I trust in Him. He has placed His mark of
ownership on me! After all, the Bible does say that there will be trials
and if there aren’t—well, maybe God has give up on me!

1Peter 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his
eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make
you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

Yet I Will Rejoice in the Lord

October 31, 1989

On October 26, Rick had the good news that we would
probably get a three month old baby boy through DSHS. We were
really excited about it. In my Bible reading on that day I read
Habakkuk 3:17-19 “Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither
shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the
fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and
there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I
will joy in the God of my salvation.The LORD God is my strength,

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and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to
walk upon mine high places.”
It seemed strange that in the face of such good news I would
come across this discouraging, yet encouraging message in my
devotions. Now I know. God was preparing me for today when Rick
would tell me the foster parents decided to keep the baby and adopt
him themselves. What was to be never happened, but like Habakkuk,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my Salvation.

Like Them That Go Down Into the Pit

November 6, 1989
Psalm 143:7- 8 Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not
thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I
trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up
my soul unto thee.

November 9, 1989
I never finished the above entry except to write out the
Scripture. I was so depressed, so discouraged; I spent the whole
evening in tears. I was teary the whole day. I just was feeling as if
we will never have any babies to call our own whether adopted or
natural. I feel as if my prayers are never getting any higher than the
ceiling. Holidays are getting more and more difficult because they
center around children. So many things center around children and it
has really been getting me down. It was a good long cry and I think I
needed to get it out.

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 Battles

April 6, 1990
2 Chronicles 20:6 And said, O LORD God of our fathers, art not thou
God in heaven? and rulest not thou over all the kingdoms of the
heathen? and in thine hand is there not power and might, so that none
is able to withstand thee?

12 O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might
against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we
what to do: but our eyes are upon thee.

15 And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of

Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto
you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for
the battle is not yours, but God's.

17 Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye

still, and see the salvation of the LORD with you, O Judah and
Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them:
for the LORD will be with you.

21 And when he had consulted with the people, he appointed singers

unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they
went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD; for his mercy
endureth for ever.

22 And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set
ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir,
which were come against Judah; and they were smitten.

What are my battles?

1. Infertility
2. Adoption Agency delays
3. My health and energy
4. Finances
5. Rick’s (problems) when his job isn’t going well

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 What are Satan’s goals? To make me angry, discouraged, to
cause me to have pity-parties for myself.

God Has a Plan for Us

April 13, 1990

Psalm 33:10-11 The LORD bringeth the counsel of the heathen to
nought: he maketh the devices of the people of none effect. The
counsel of the LORD standeth for ever, the thoughts of his heart to all
generations.

Proverbs 16:9 A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD
directeth his steps.

Proverbs 19:21 There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless

the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

Proverbs 15:22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the

multitude of counsellors they are established.

Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your
ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than
the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts
than your thoughts.

It is encouraging to see, Lord, that you do have a plan for me

and Rick. We don’t quite understand or know yet what Your plan is
for us in the way of adoption or having children of our own—or if
You want us to have children at all. I see here that Your plans stand
firm and you direct us and that your purposes prevail. I also see that
Your thoughts and ways are higher than mine. That tells me You
have a better plan. But what is Your plan? We’ve been seeking and
waiting for five years to know what Your plan is concerning us
having a family. When will we find out? What do You want us to
do? I guess it all gets back to waiting patiently.

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Psalm 32:8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou
shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

April 19, 1990

Proverbs 3:5-8
5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding
• What does trust mean?
1. Quiet confidence that God will do what He says in His
Word.
2. Not becoming anxious or worrying over things that are not
my responsibility, but God’s
3. To wait on God for His timing
4. Being patient
5. Enduring inconvenience/hardship
6. Knowing God’s plan is always best

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
• Give Him praise and glory in everything you do
• Make Him known in all you do
• Let others know about Him and His workings in all your
endeavors
• In questionable activities—seek His will first—would it bring
honor to Him?
• Seek His leading in all decisions small or great

7 … fear the LORD…

• Be in awe of His power and greatness
• Realize that He sees me where ever and what ever I am or
doing
• Worship Him for Who He is

7…Depart from evil…

• Thoughts
• Actions

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 • Conversation
• Things I watch
• Things I listen to
• Things I read or look at
• Places
• “Avoid all appearance of evil.” I Thessalonians

Results:
8 It shall be health to thy navel,
• Often when the spiritual life is in order, then many physical
ailments are greatly relieved or healed. Even if they aren’t
healed they become easier to deal with and endure.

and marrow to thy bones.

• The bones are where the blood is made—deep inside in the
marrow. When the spirit is in a right relationship to God it
brings refreshment to the whole life—the blood is the life of
the body!

Making Plans

April 24, 1990

James 4:13- 17 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will
go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and
get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what
is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and
then vanisheth away. For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we
shall live, and do this, or that. But now ye rejoice in your boastings:
all such rejoicing is evil. Therefore to him that knoweth to do good,
and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his
righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take
therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take
thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil
thereof.

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Proverbs 27:1 Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not
what a day may bring forth.

It is ok to make plans, but do it with the realization that God

may change those plans…Flexibility is a character quality God wants
in me. It means to be capable of responding or conforming to
changing or new situations. Bill Gothard says, “Learning the wishes
of the one I serve and adapting my priorities to meet them. Learning
how to cheerfully change plans when unexpected conditions require
it. Avoiding obligations that would hinder us from taking the best
course of action. “Flexibility vs. Resistance: Not setting my
affections on ideas or plans which could be changed by God or
others.” “Set your affections on things above, not on things on the
earth” Colossians 3:2. This verse goes right along with Matthew
6:33. In setting my affections on things above, I will be seeking first
the Kingdom of God. And in seeking His kingdom and righteousness,
I will do what James 4:17 says…doing good.
Matthew 6:34 says not to worry about tomorrow because each
day has enough trouble of it’s own to deal with, without taking on
tomorrow’s problems as well.
I guess the main lessons I learn here are:
1. Be flexible. Let God change my plans if that’s His will.
James 4:15
2. Live for the present. Make each day and hour count.
James 4:14,17, Matthew 6:33
3. Don’t worry about the future. Matthew 6:34
4. Always seek God’s kingdom and righteousness first.
Matthew 6:33

How to Fight Battles

April 30, 1990

2 Chronicles 20:1-30

I. The Problem
A. v.2 a great multitude against thee
II. Jehoshaphat’s Reaction and the People’s (reaction)

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 A. v.3 Feared
B. set himself to seek the Lord
C. proclaimed a fast
D. v.4 People gathered to ask help of the Lord and seek Him
E. Prayer v.6-12 Appeal to God’s power and character
1. v. 6 All powerful
2. v. 7 Protector
3. v. 7 Promise keeper
4. v. 9 Helper in trouble
5. v. 9 Power in thy name
6. v. 12 Judge
F. v. 12 Admit human inadequacy and dependence on God
III. God’s Response to Their Prayers
A. v. 15 The battle is not yours’, but God’s
B. v. 17 You won’t need to fight in this battle
1. Set yourself
2. Stand still
3. See the salvation of the Lord with you
C. The Lord will be with you
IV. The People’s Response
A. v. 18 Worship the Lord
B. v. 19 Praised the Lord God with loud voice
V. Further Instructions
A. v. 20 Believe in the Lord your God
B. v. 21 Praise the beauty of holiness
VI. Results of singing and praising
A. v. 22 The enemy smitten
VII. People’s Response to God’s help
A. v. 26 Blessed the Lord
B. v. 27 Rejoiced
C. v.28 Praised and sang with musical instruments
VIII. Results
A. v.29 Others heard about Israel’s God
B. v. 29 Others feared God
VIV. God’s Provision After the Victory
A. v. 30 Quiet
B. v. 30 Rest round about

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 This passage is so exciting to me! I’m clinging to it daily! Going
back through to apply it to my life I ask, what is my problem—what
battles am I facing? At this point in time it revolves around four
major areas.
1. Infertility
2. Adoption
3. Health
4. Financial trouble.
So what should my reaction to these difficulties be? Jehoshaphat
feared—I don’t think he wallowed in it. He allowed his fear to drive
him to his knees to seek God. He fasted! Because he proclaimed a
fast, the people were informed of the battle. For health reasons I can’t
fast. But I can share my struggles for others to join in prayer too. I
can rely on God’s character and power. And I must admit my human
weakness and dependence on God. These “battles” aren’t mine to
fight. I don’t need to get all upset and in knots over these things
because God will take care of us. My job is to “set” myself. I take
this to mean I need to plant my feet firmly in the soil of God’s Word
so that I will not be moved in my confidence in God. My next order
is to stand still. Don’t go charging off ahead of God to take care of
things that are His responsibility. My next order is to see the
salvation of the Lord. Look back and see the times He has answered
prayer and kept you before. Then look forward and see the provision
He will made in the future—victory! So it’s “set, stand, see”. When
I’ve done these things, then I am ready to worship and praise God for
Who He is and what He will do. Believe in God and praise the beauty
of His holiness. Then after the victory is won remember to bless the
Lord, to rejoice and to sing and praise Him with music. Others will
then hear of God’s working and they too will fear God. When all is
over then I will experience quiet and rest.

Looking Back:

One month later, I was struggling with depression on Mother’s

Day. Infertility has a way of jerking the rug out from underneath you
on holidays such as this. I often found myself on the mountain top one
day and in the dumps the next as one day we would hear encouraging
news about the possibility of adopting a baby and then the possibility
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would be taken away. Much of what we went through in that way is
not recorded in my journals. Each month as my period would come,
was another difficult occasion as we knew there would be no baby in
the making once again. And so it went, a virtual roller coaster of
emotions. Sometimes I felt that I wasn’t really learning the lessons
God was showing me in His Word and I would get frustrated with
myself for once again failing to trust Him. But as I read back through
my journals I am encouraged that even though I fell, God was always
faithful to pick me back up again. Psalm 37:24 Though he fall, he
shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his
hand.

Mother’s Day

May 22, 1990

Psalm 42:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou
disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him,
who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Last week was a double whamie for us. Mother’s Day,

Mother’s Day Tea (I was on the decoration committee), my period
(again) and a disappointing interview with the state adoption worker.
I sat down at the word processor and wrote our whole story out about
our struggle to have a baby. It was good for me. I was so depressed I
cried most the weekend. By writing these things out I came across
Psalm 42:11 “…I shall yet praise Him…” stuck out like a sore thumb.
I read “Taste of Tears, Touch of God by Ann Keimel Anderson.
Two main points of her story jumped off the pages at me,
1. Praise God in spite of the circumstances
2. Submission to Rick’s wishes instead of plowing on ahead
Ann’s book also helped a lot to bring my attention back to praise. I
praise God that He sees the bigger picture and knows what it is that
He is trying to accomplish.

Looking Back:

Holidays like Mother’s Day, Easter, and Christmas are all

centered around children or being a mother. As the years wore on
for me, these holidays became days to dread and endure. I found
myself not wanting to attend church especially on Mother’s Day

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because I would usually find myself fighting back the tears as
mothers in the congregation were recognized and applauded. This
one day of the year is the hardest for those who can not conceive or
carry a baby to term. Be sensitive to those who carry this pain in
their hearts. Let them know they were missed at church, but don’t
ask why they missed unless they feel like volunteering the
information.
Another hardship for me was being asked to sit in the nursery
on Sundays. Others would jokingly tell me it would be good practice
for when we had our own children. They knew we were having
difficulty having a baby, so these remarks were hurtful to me. When
the years passed on and I still had empty arms, sitting in the nursery
with all those babies was very difficult for me.

Confusion

June 4, 1990
Mark 9:22-24 … but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on
us, and help us. Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things
are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the
child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine
unbelief.

Psalm 43:5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou
disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is
the health of my countenance, and my God.

Lord, sometimes I am so confused about Your will concerning

us having a family or not. It seems like one thing after another comes
in the way between us and a baby. I want to believe a baby is Your
will for us, but then I’m not sure if it really is by the way things keep
happening to keep us away from that goal. Help me, Lord, to believe
if this truly is Your will for us. Help me to overcome my unbelief.
Help me to put my hope in You and to praise you in spite of the
circumstances.

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 Jesus said, “Follow Me!”

June 15, 1990

I heard Chuck Swindoll speaking on John 21:15-25 where
Jesus asks Peter three times,
“Do you love me? Feed my lambs.”
Peter then saw John and said, “What about Him?”
Jesus said, “What is that to you? Follow me!”
Chuck Swindoll applied it in a number of ways, but the
hardest one he used was, “Lord, my neighbor has five kids already
and is pregnant with their sixth! They don’t need anymore and I can’t
even get pregnant with one! What about that Lord?”
And Jesus answers, “What is that to you? Follow me!”
Jesus wants me to get my eyes off the others who have what I
want, who get “better lots” in life and keep my eyes on Him and
follow Him. He will lead me to the place He wants me. I need to be
content in His will.

Looking Forward

Life brings with it many circumstances that we don’t expect.

Chuck Swindoll’s application of this scripture still challenges me as I
deal with on-going chronic health challenges, chronic pain and my
husband’s illness. It’s easy to look at others who seem to have it all
together and ask, “But Lord, what about them?”
And Jesus says, “What is that to you? Follow me!”

Helping God

June 16, 1990

Ann Keimel wrote,
we really feel, most of us, that we have to help God to
get things done. for years i went through every medical
process to be able to carry a pregnancy full term. of
course i needed to do what i could, but deep down i
really felt God couldn’t do it…i had to help him.
childless couples can have a tendancy to become
obsessed and feel that they have to help God.
they just panic.

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 Sunday, Taproot Theater Productions put on a dramatic
presentation of Sarah and Abram. The part where Sarah gives Haggar
to Abram to bear a child, the comment is made that too often we try to
“help God along” and it never turns out quite right.
Perhaps God is trying to tell us something. Twice in one week
the issue of “helping God out” has come up. Where does doing our
part end and helping God begin? It’s a hard line to draw. I’m looking
for a regular job to help save money for adoption again. Am I helping
God along? Or is this what God wants?

Psalm 52:7 Lo, this is the man that made not God his strength; but
trusted in the abundance of his riches, and strengthened himself in his
wickedness.

I don’t want to be guilty of trusting in money instead of God’s

strength to accomplish having a family, however, if we must adopt,
that is what we need—money.

Psalm 52:9 I will praise thee for ever, because thou hast done it: and I
will wait on thy name; for it is good before thy saints.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to get a job or not. All I can do

is “knock” on the doors. If God opens one to me, then perhaps I
should take it as a sign from Him that He wants me to work to help
save up for adoption. Otherwise, He must have some other plan in
store for me.

Psalm 55:22 Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain
thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

All I want is to do what God wants in regards to us having a

baby. So many unknowns. Seems He has already closed the door to
at least two adoption agencies—one because of money, the other
because of ungodly workers who want their way with us. Unless it is
God’s will for me to get a job, or He provides the money in an
unexpected way (hopefully not through family tragedy) it may be He
doesn’t have a family in mind for us. That would be hard to take, but

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I’d rather take that than God’s second best. If we got a child out of
God’s will, I’m afraid it would only mean heartache for the future.

The Ungodly Prosper

June 26, 1990

Psalm 73 starts out with the Psalmist discouraged because ungodly
people seem to prosper and things go right for them, while he is
plagued by bad things continually. Then he went to God and
understood what their outcome in the end would be.
Verse 23b “…thou hast holden me by my right hand.” Verse 24
“Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel…” Verse 26 “My flesh and
my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion
forever.” Verse 28 “But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have
put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.”

I identify with the Psalmist here. It seems like the ungodly are
able to get pregnant without even trying, then discard their babies by
abortion or choose to keep them, but they suffer in the end. We try to
spend our money wisely, yet we can’t even make ends meet while
others have more money than they know what to do with. Yet when I
come to God and spend time “in His sanctuary” I realize while they
have it good now and I don’t, they will have it bad in the end and I’ll
have the best. It is such comfort to know God holds me by the hand,
that He will guide me with His counsel, and He will be my strength
and my portion forever. These trials here have caused me to draw
near to God and to put my trust in Him. One day I’ll be able to look
back on this and “declare all God’s works” through these trials.

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 A Great Affliction

July 29, 1990

Psalm 119:50 This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath
quickened me.

Psalm 119:67 Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I
kept thy word.

Psalm 119:71 It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might
learn thy statutes.

Psalm 119:75 I know, O LORD, that thy judgments are right, and that
thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.

Psalm 119:92 Unless thy law had been my delights, I should then
have perished in mine affliction.

Psalm 119:107 I am afflicted very much: quicken me, O LORD,

according unto thy word.

Psalm 119:153 Consider mine affliction, and deliver me: for I do not
forget thy law.

Lord, you know my health problems and my inability to

conceive and carry a baby to term. It is a great affliction. Sometimes
it seems so unfair. Your Word tells me children are a blessing from
You, yet I feel You are withholding Your blessing from me. Yet as I
read these scriptures on affliction, I also see it has been good for me.
It has driven me to Your Word and into closer relationship with You.
It has made me more sensitive to Your prompting and more
dependent on Your strength and resources. So, yes, Lord, I can see
this affliction has been good for me. I just wonder if or when You
will turn down the heat and allow us to receive a child—a blessing
from You that we can love and nurture and teach to grow up to love
You?

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 Finding Fulfillment and Completeness

May 7, 1991
Colossians 2:10 “And ye are complete in him…”
Vines Expository Dictionary: “accomplish, to fulfill, carry out to the
full, perfect, end expire, fill”

I like this verse. It really jumped out at me. Too often I find
myself thinking if only I had a baby—a family—I’d be fulfilled.
Before I got married I thought if only I could find a husband then I’ll
be fulfilled. Then I did and now I’m still looking for fulfillment only
in the form of a child—a family. Friends, relatives and even strangers
tend to make a person feel unfulfilled by placing the expectations on
you that you must get married, have a family and your husband must
be successful in his job. It’s all wrong! I can be fulfilled in Christ!
It’s that simple! The only effort it takes on my part is that I need to
feed on His Word and stay in close fellowship with Him or I could
easily slip back into “human tradition and philosophies”.

Looking Back:

One of the hardest things we had to encounter were the

insensitive remarks of well-meaning friends and relatives. Here is a
sampling:
“When are you ever going to have children?” (As if we had
any control over the timing!)
“What’s the matter? Don’t you know how to make a baby?”
“Do you need lessons on how to make a baby?” (Do we look
that dumb?)
“Make sure your husband doesn’t where tight pants.” (Rats!
That’s his favorite kind!)
“Take a spoonful of Robitussin cough syrup every night to
help you conceive.” (Is this the cutting edge of technology for
infertility?!)
“Adopt! Then you’ll relax and get pregnant!”
“You’re too tense. You’re tying too hard. Relax!” (As if all
this advice was supposed to help us relax?!)
Comments like these were insulting and only added to the
pressure and anxiety we already felt. It made us feel like something

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was wrong with us and we couldn’t be complete and fulfilled unless
we were able to conceive and have a baby.
We realize that many people just aren’t sure what to say, so
they resort either to making jokes or giving advice. They don’t think
of the implications of what they are saying.
It is better to not ask a couple when they plan to have
children. You don’t know if they have been trying and it’s just not
happening. They have no control over whether or not they conceive.
It’s better to let them bring the subject up if they want to talk about it.

Is It a Cruel Joke?

October 11, 1991

Swindoll’s “Growing Strong” chapter was on child-abuse and
all the scriptures centered around children. It was hard for me to read.
It seems like forever before we’ll even get a call for our home study
and then even after that it will be a long time before we get chosen to
adopt a baby. There are times when I really wonder—will it ever
happen? It’s like a knife twisting in the wound when I read in
Scripture that children are a heritage from the Lord—why does it
seem like He is withholding our heritage from us? Sometimes it helps
to look at it as His mark of ownership—but these Scripture passages
just don’t seem to support that. Why? What’s the purpose? Is it
punishment or is God playing games with us—a cruel joke?
Sometimes I think I’ve got it all figured out and understand and then
it seems to all tumble down when I read those kinds of Scriptures.

Resentment

October 17, 1991

Swindoll’s “Growing Strong” chapter was on resentment. I
don’t know if I’m just a bit envious, jealous of all my friends who are
having babies, or if it is resentment. Maybe just disappointment.
Julie, Jan, Vickie (twins) and now Sandy are all either pregnant or just
gave birth. I feel like we’re getting left out. The thing that makes it
especially difficult is this abortion bill going before the people for a
vote—could make it even harder to adopt if it passes. The other
things that make it hard are well-meaning friends who say things like,
“You’re too tense! Just relax and you’ll get pregnant!” And little

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things like how people without kids are sometimes “discriminated”
against—the young married and middle married Sunday school
classes that center around child-rearing, the photographers that give a
better choice of photos to those with children than those without and
the fact that people seem to think, “Oh we’ll ask Marsha to do that—
she doesn’t have any kids—she’s got loads of time!”
Now that I’ve complained—here’s today’s verse:

Hebrews 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of
God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby
many be defiled;

Right on target, Lord! Thanks, I needed that!

Don’t Race Your Engine

November 9, 1991
A busy day. Went to Bellevue to an Adoption Fair. Picked up
some really good information on Independent Adoption. Tempting to
want to rush into it, but money is holding us back. Then in my
devotional Swindoll says, “Sometimes when we are determined to
have our own way—especially when we are restless, tired of waiting,
anxious for action—we run ahead and then salve our conscience by
calling our decision “faith”…We are prone to rush on, refusing to be
patient and to quietly wait for God’s time:…If the light is red or even
yellow, you’re wise to let Him hold you back. When it turns green,
you’ll know it. Don’t race your motor while you’re waiting. You’ll
burn up all your fuel…and you might slip across that delicate line.”
1 Corinthians 10:13 says God is faithful…He will provide a way out
of a testing at the right time and won’t allow more than I can handle.

November 13, 1991

At this point while I’d love to jump into Independent
Placement so we are not left so far behind all our friends who are
either pregnant or just gave birth, I guess I have to hold myself back. I
don’t want do anything stupid and end up losing all we’ve saved and
our chance at a baby because of desperation.

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 Oh, Lord, how long will You make us wait? What do you
want us to do, Lord? I guess Lord, if you want us to adopt
independently then I’m going to pray , Lord that You would make it
very, very obvious—like dropping a birth mom right in our path who
knows she wants to give her baby up for adoption—a situation so
perfect we can’t let it pass by…I guess Lord, what I’m saying is that it
will take a miracle from You because we aren’t advertising it around
to anyone that private adoption is a consideration—they all figure we
are waiting on BFA (Baptist Family Agency). You know where our
baby will come from, Lord, so please work the situation out just
perfect for us, Lord. It would be a wonderful story of Your leading
and provision, Lord, if you choose to take us the “miracle route”!
Love ya, Lord. Sorry I haven’t been quite as faithful in my quiet
times lately. I’ll try to be better.

Waiting for the Adoption

November 28, 1991

Romans 8:22-25 “For we know that the whole creation groaneth and
travaileth in pain together until now. And not only they, but ourselves
also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan
within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of
our body. For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope:
for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for
that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.”

How to Comfort Someone

December 23, 1991

Job 2:9-10”…shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we
not receive evil...”

God never promised we’d have no trouble. If it were that way

we’d never appreciate the good or the good times. The bad times
push us on to more mature growth.

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December 26, 1991
Job 2:11; 3:1-26
2:11-13 tells how Job’s three friends came and sat with him
and mourned with him and said nothing. Sometimes that is the best
thing you can do when someone is grieving or very ill—just sit with
them. They don’t need advice or even conversation. Just someone to
be with them and care for them.
Chapter 3: Job pours out his sorrow. He wishes he were dead
and can’t understand why God is allowing these hardships. It is
almost like some of David’s Psalms where he has had tough times. It
comforts me to read these accounts and to realize that even the saints
of old were human in their feelings and thoughts during hard times.
It’s ok to “spill the beans” about how I feel to God. He’s not going to
shoot me down for it.

December 30, 1991

Job 4
Job’s friend wasn’t a very good comforter when he decided to
open his mouth with “advice”. He basically is charging Job with guilt
because he says the innocent do not suffer. How often do well
meaning Christian “friends” try to convince a suffering fellow-
believer that there must be sin in his life in order for God to allow him
to suffer like that?

January 3, 1992
Job 6
The only verse that really stands out is verse 14. “To him that
is afflicted pity should be shewed from his friend; but he forsaketh the
fear of the Almighty.”
Perhaps this jumped out at me because it shows what the afflicted
want and need. Pity in this context refers to kindness and
compassion. So often Christians are prone to repeat “spiritual
platitudes” like “give it to God” or “I’ll pray for you” etc. When they
really mean, “I’ve heard enough now.” The suffering person needs a
compassionate ear and maybe even some tangible help.

January 21, 1991

...my tea bag had this Chinese Proverb: "A gem can not be
polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." Lord,
sometimes it seems like I've had enough--infertility, trouble adopting,

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health...please help me to learn patience in it all so I can come out as
gold. GO FOR THE GOLD!

Emily and Her Baby

February 10, 1992

Betty W. from BFA (Baptist Family Agency) called February
7, 1992 in the afternoon. She said she wanted to know if we are still
willing to meet the birthmother. Of course I said, "Yes!". She just
wanted to make sure because she is getting our profile ready to take to
a birthmother who wants to meet the adoptive couple! She told me
that her name is Emily. She is sixteen years old. She comes from a
"high ministry" family but yet a situation with a lot of abuse. Her
baby is due in June. She lives in Oregon....We won't know anything
more until after February 24.

We are dying of curiosity and suspense! We are nearly

bursting with our secret--we decided not to tell anyone but Cindy and
Nancy and Doug. They are far enough removed that it won't fly like
wild fire and I've sworn them to secrecy. This way if it's not God's
will, we won't have everyone all excited and then have to report the
sad news--which would make it all that more difficult for us to
handle. I have my hopes up, yet I'm almost expecting disappointment
cause I know Stan and Brenda had to go through a couple before the
right match was made, so we'll have to see how it all works out.

February 20, 1992

The waiting is driving me crazy…I have to remember this first
one may not be the one, but it’s so hard to not get my hopes up. I
blew it and shared more than planned with (friends) at church.

February 26, 1992

I’m tired and somewhat discouraged. This week has almost
been more than I can handle. It’s just been so busy and this is the
week that hopefully Betty will call and I’ve been gone so much. I’m
in an emotional upheaval waiting to hear from her yet afraid she has
tried to call and not left messages. Last night I dreamed she sent a
letter saying we’d get this baby. I just hope we hear something one
way or the other soon so I can get on with plans.

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Lord, I’m having a real difficult time being patient. Please give me
peace and contentment no matter what the answer or how long it takes
to get the answer.

February 28, 1992

It’s good I’ve been so busy. At least my days haven’t had to
drag by while I wait for the phone to ring. Today may drag a bit
though, since I am not working anymore.
Lord, all I want is to be able to accept this from Your
hand…I’m a bit discouraged at the moment. Maybe I’m impatient,
but I really thought we’d hear something from Betty by now. The
longer I wait the more it makes me feel that the answer is “no”.
Usually “no news is good news “. Will the phone ever ring today with
Betty on the other end?

March 9, 1992
Betty called me back Monday, a week ago, after I’d left a
message for her the previous Friday. Emily has until March 13 to
decide who she wants to pick for adoptive parents for her baby. Betty
said she’d let us know immediately if the answer is no. She didn’t
indicate what she would do if the answer is yes or still undecided. So
that leaves me to dread having the phone ring on Friday. This
emotional roller coaster stuff is beginning to wear on me. All I want
is an answer either way within God’s will so I can get on with my life
and make my plans.
Oh, Lord, please help Emily to seek Your face and to make
her choice according to Your will. Only You can cause her to choose
us if it is Your will because our profiles are a real mess.
Job 31-42 It took a lot of wading to get through these chapters
and discover a nugget or two to help me through the trials of waiting
for an answer from Betty. Job 42:2 “I know that Thou canst do
everything, and that no thought can be withheld from thee.” God is
all powerful and God is all knowing. He is powerful enough that he
can make this adoption for this particular baby work out for us. God
is also powerful enough to sustain us and comfort us if the answer is
“no” and to help us be content to wait for another opportunity. God
knows all of what is going to happen before it even does happen. He
knows what is best for Emily, the baby and us.

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 Job 42:10 “And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when
he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as
he had before.” It helps to turn my thoughts and prayers outward to
pray for Emily and her situation. To think and pray about the heart
wrenching decision she must make and to pray for the difficult
situation and circumstances she has found herself in. She needs my
prayers a lot more than I need prayer for myself. Perhaps as I
concentrate my prayers on her, her baby and what is best for the two
of them, then if the answer is no, it won’t hurt quite as much knowing
that God’s best for them is being accomplished—not my own desires
for what I want. And if God sees fit that His best for them would
include us—I can be honored that He felt we were worthy to raise this
baby.

March 12, 1992

Today I’m having a difficult time knowing where I should
read next in the Bible. I just can’t seem to concentrate very well.
Hopefully tomorrow we’ll get an answer, one way or the other on
Emily’s baby. Looking back at the way God has made everything
work out, I won’t be at all surprised if the answer is yes, but at the
same time, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was no, since in the past God
has used seemingly negative events to bring about something better
for us. If the answer is no, I will no doubt be very disappointed and
maybe even shed a few tears but I can take comfort in the fact that
God has something even better for us around the corner. I just pray
for Emily that she will rely on God’s strength and really seek His will
in the choice of parents for her baby. I also pray that we will know
one way or the other in the next four days. I need to be able to either
get excited and slip into high gear to prepare for this event, or else be
able to let go of the dream of this particular situation so I can get on
with life as usual. It has been so hard and so taxing on me physically
to be hanging in the air not knowing which way the balance is going
to tip.
Thank You for bringing to my memory Psalm 27:14 “Wait on
the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart:
wait, I say, on the LORD.” Psalm 28:6-7 “Blessed be the LORD,
because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The LORD is
my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped:

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therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise
him.”

Psalm 30:5 “For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is
life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

Psalm 30:11-12 “Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing:

thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the
end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD
my God, I will give thanks unto thee forever.”

Psalm 52:9 “I will praise thee for ever, because thou hast done it: and
I will wait on thy name; for it is good before thy saints.”

Proverbs 13:12 “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the
desire cometh, it is a tree of life.”

Crushed Hopes

March 17, 1992

March 14 we got our hopes of a baby in June crushed. What a
blow…I wrote a letter to Betty and requested of her not to tell us
when she is showing our profile. Only to call us if a birthmother
chooses us. It was too hard. Like being on an emotional roller
coaster with a drop off at the end.
God has encouraged me with a few verses. Psalm 62:5 “My
soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” If
my expectations are on people or circumstances I will be
disappointed, crushed, but with my soul waiting on God, He will
carry me through the disappointments and will give me something
even better later.
Proverbs 23:18 “For surely there is an end; and thine
expectation shall not be cut off.” What a comfort to know that we
won’t have to wait forever, our hopes won’t be utterly cut off from us.
God will provide in His own good time.
One lesson I learned in this, we told a lot of people of our
possible baby in June—we wanted prayer support. With a no anwer,
it requires us now to face all those people with the bad news, where
otherwise we could just go on with life. They are praying in a general

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sense for us anyway. Next time—even though hopefully we won’t
know anything until the time comes to meet a birth mom, I think we
will try to refrain from saying anything until it’s all a “for sure deal”.
At least that way we won’t have to go through the agony of going
back and telling everyone it didn’t work out. In fact, I’d almost be
willing to keep my mouth shut if possible until the day we bring the
baby home!

Finding Baby Bargains

April 15, 1992

…We’ve spent the last three weeks garage sailing and finding
a lot of “baby bargains”. It has been good “therapy” for us since our
big disappointment. At least it still gives us hope for the future! God
has helped us find a lot of good items that will be needed when we
receive a baby. Now, maybe when the big day comes, we’ll be even
more prepared for it and not have to spend BIG BUCKS at the last
minute!

What Are My Motives for Wanting a Child?

May 12, 1992

James 4
Verse 2 You do not have because you do not ask.
Verse 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong
motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. This is pointed.
Does this mean that in asking for a baby, I’ve been asking with wrong
motives? What are my motives?
1. To raise a child to love God
2. To be fruitful and multiply (obey God)
3. To show others I truly have “attained adulthood”
4. To feel I have something in common with those our age at
church
5. To give my parent’s a grandchild, my sister a nephew
6. To make holidays more exciting since they are usually
centered around children
7. To fulfill my desire for motherhood

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 Lord, please forgive me of those motives that are selfish desires.
Please help me to focus on You and You only for my fulfillment.
These things that are selfish desires indicate my feeling of
incompleteness without a child. Please help me to remember that in
You I’m complete, truly complete and even if I had a child, without
that in mind, there would still be a void. Colossians 2:10 “And ye are
complete in him…”

A Big Surprise!

May 16, 1992

God is a God of surprises! I am pregnant!

Looking Back:

We had a home Bible Study group meeting in our home that

year. They all knew our desire to have a baby and so they made it a
regular matter of prayer for us that God’s will would be done and if it
was His will, that we would be able to have a baby.
In Joshua, after the Children of Israel had crossed the Jordan
River, Joshua said, “Pass over before the ark of the LORD your God
into the midst of Jordan, and take ye up every man of you a stone
upon his shoulder, according unto the number of the tribes of the
children of Israel: That this may be a sign among you, that when your
children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean ye by
these stones? Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan
were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it
passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these
stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever.”
(Joshua 4:5-7)
I had started a jar of remembrance during that Bible Study. I
decorated a small jar and for every answer to prayer I would drop a
stone into the jar. The members of our group would look at the jar
every week to see if any stones had been added. The week I found out
I was pregnant I found a large stone and put it in the jar. When the
members of the Bible Study group started to show up we didn’t say
anything. We just waited to see if they would notice the large stone.
Sure enough, they did. Their eyes got big and one of them said, “That
must have been a big answer to prayer!” Of course we were beaming

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and it gave the secret away. “Are you pregnant?!” I still have the
jar with the stones in it and the big one on top of the heap. We have
told the story to our two children on several occasions.

1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me
my petition which I asked of him:

God always answers our prayers. Sometimes He says,” Yes”.

Sometimes He says, “Wait.” Sometimes He says, “No.” His “wait”
and “no” answers are the hardest to take. We often think that when
He says, “All things work together for good to those who love God…”
that it means everything will work out the way we think is best. But
often, our best is not God’s best. He is working everything out for our
spiritual good and sometimes that means we have to endure hard
providences to reach God’s best spiritually. We often have in mind
our temporal good, while God has in mind our spiritual good.
So, dear friend, if you are going through difficult times, allow
them to draw you closer to God in the process. He loves you more
than you will ever know.

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