Empathy

Empathy is an ability dealing with emotions with many different definitions. They
cover a broad spectrum, ranging from feeling a concern for other people that
creates a desire to help them, experiencing emotions that match another
person's emotions, using or removing painful emotions from another using only
the psyche and emotional energy, knowing what the other person is thinking or
feeling, to blurring the line between self and other.[5] Below is a list of various
definitions of what empathy means:

[6]  Daniel Batson: A motivation oriented towards the other

 D. M. Berger: The capacity to know emotionally what another is experiencing from
within the frame of reference of that other person, the capacity to sample the feelings of
another or to put one's self in another's shoes.[7]
 Jean Decety: A sense of similarity in feelings experienced by the self and the other,
without confusion between the two individuals.[8][9]
 Nancy Eisenberg: An affective response that stems from the apprehension or
comprehension of another's emotional state or condition, and that is similar to what the
other person is feeling or would be expected to feel.[10]
 R. R. Greenson: To empathize means to share, to experience the feelings of another
person.[11]
 Alvin Goldman: The ability to put oneself into the mental shoes of another person to
understand her emotions and feelings.[12]
 Martin Hoffman: An affective response more appropriate to another's situation than
one's own.[13]
 William Ickes: A complex form of psychological inference in which observation, memory,
knowledge, and reasoning are combined to yield insights into the thoughts and feelings of
others.[14]
 Heinz Kohut: Empathy is the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of
another person.[15]
 Carl Rogers: To perceive the internal frame of reference of another with accuracy and
with the emotional components and meanings which pertain thereto as if one were the
person, but without ever losing the "as if" condition. Thus, it means to sense the hurt or the
pleasure of another as he senses it and to perceive the causes thereof as he perceives them,
but without ever losing the recognition that it is as if I were hurt or pleased and so forth.[16]
 Roy Schafer: Empathy involves the inner experience of sharing in and comprehending
the momentary psychological state of another person.[17]
 Wynn Schwartz: We recognize others as empathic when we feel that they have accurately
acted on or somehow acknowledged in stated or unstated fashion our values or motivations,
our knowledge, and our skills or competence, but especially as they appear to recognize the
significance of our actions in a manner that we can tolerate their being recognized.[18]
 Edith Stein: Empathy is the experience of foreign consciousness in general.[19]
 Simon Baron-Cohen (2003): Empathy is about spontaneously and naturally tuning into
the other person's thoughts and feelings, whatever these might be [...]There are two major
elements to empathy. The first is the cognitive component: Understanding the others feelings
and the ability to take their perspective [...] the second element to empathy is the affective
component. This is an observer's appropriate emotional response to another person's
emotional state.[20]
 Khen Lampert (2005): "[Empathy] is what happens to us when we leave our own
bodies...and find ourselves either momentarily or for a longer period of time in the mind of
the other. We observe reality through her eyes, feel her emotions, share in her pain."[21]

empathy, trust, diffusing conflict and

handling complaints
empathy skills - for relationships, communications, complaints, customer
retention, conflict and levels of listening types

Empathy and trust are a platform for effective understanding, communication and
relationships. Empathy and trust are essential to develop solutions, win and retain business,
and avoiding or diffusing conflict. Empathy and trust are essential for handling complaints
and retaining customers. These days we need to be more effective communicators to be
successful in business - and in life. The 'steps of the sale', persuasion, closing techniques,
features and benefits do not build rapport or relationships - empathy, trust, understanding and
sympathetic communications do. One-sided persuasion is not sustainable and is often
insulting, especially when handling complaints. Trust and empathy are far more important in
achieving and sustaining successful personal and business relationships.

A certain legacy of the days of the hard-sell is that many consumers and business people are
more reluctant to expose themselves to situations where they may be asked to make a
decision. This places extra pressure on the process of arriving at a deal, and very special skills
are now needed to manage the situations in which business is done.

Most modern gurus in the areas of communications, management and self-development refer
in one way or another to the importance of empathy - really understanding the pther person's
position and feelings. Being able to 'step back', and achieve a detachment from our own
emotions, is essential for effective, constructive relationships.

Whether for selling, customer retention, handling complaints, diffusing conflict, empathy
helps.

trust - and understanding the other person's standpoint

Part of the 'empathy process' is establishing trust and rapport. Creating trust and rapport helps
us to have sensible 'adult' discussions (see Transational Analysis, which is another useful
model for understanding more about empathy).

Establishing trust is about listening and understanding - not necessarily agreeing (which is
different) - to the other person. Listening without judging.

A useful focus to aim for when listening to another person is to try to understand how the
other person feels, and to discover what they want to achieve.
Dr Stephen Covey (of 'The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People'® fame) is one of many
modern advocates who urge us to strive deeply to understand the other person's point of view.

Sharon Drew Morgen's Buying Facilitation concept is another signpost towards this more
open, modern, collaborative approach (and it is not retricted to buying and selling).

It is difficult and rarely appropriate to try to persuade another person to do what we want;
instead we must understand what the other person wants, and then try help them to achieve it,
which often includes helping them to see the way to do it (which is central to Sharon Drew
Morgen's approach).

We must work with people collaboratively, to enable them to see what they want, and then
help tem to see the ways achieve it.

The act of doing all this establishes trust.

listening
Of all the communications skills, listening is arguably the one which makes the biggest
difference.

The most brilliant and effective speaker utlimately comes undone if he/she fails to listen
properly.

Listening does not come naturally to most people, so we need to work hard at it; to stop
ourselves 'jumping in' and giving our opinions.

Mostly, people don't listen - they just take turns to speak - we all tend to be more interested in
announcing our own views and experiences than really listening and understanding others.

This is ironinic since we all like to be listened to and understood. Covey says rightly that
when we are understood we feel affirmed and validated.

He coined the expression: 'Seek first to understand, and then to be understood', which serves
as a constant reminder for the need to listen to the other person before you can expect them to
listen to you.

levels of listening - 'effective listening'

There are different types of listening. Typically they are presented as levels of listening.

Various people have constructed listening models. Below is an attempt to encompass and
extend good current listening theory in an accessible and concise way. Bear in mind that
listening is rarely confined merely to words. Sometimes what you are listening to will include
other sounds or intonation or verbal/emotional noises. Sometimes listening involves noticing
a silence or a pause - nothing - 'dead air' as it's known in broadcasting. You might instead be
listening to a musical performance, or an engine noise, or a crowded meeting, for the purpose
of understanding and assessing what is actually happening or being said. Also, listening in its
fullest sense, as you will see below, ultimately includes many non-verbal and non-audible
factors, such as body language, facial expressions, reactions of others, cultural elements, and
the reactions of the speaker and the listeners to each other.

In summary first:

1. passive/not listening - noise in background - ignoring

2. pretend listening - also called 'responsive listening' - using stock nods and smiles and
uhum, yes, of course, etc.
3. biased/projective listening - 'selective listening' and intentionally
disregarding/dismissing the other person's views
4. misunderstood listening - unconsciously overlaying your own interpretations and
making things fit when they don't
5. attentive listening - personally-driven fact gathering and analysis often with
manipulation of the other person
6. active listening - understanding feelings and gathering facts for largely selfish
purposes
7. empathic listening - understanding and checking facts and feelings, usually to
listener's personal agenda
8. facilitative listening - listening, understanding fully, and helping, with the other
person's needs uppermost