Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones'
mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up,
men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to
Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for
maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a
pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next
time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a
telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to
see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-
day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the
border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.
I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
 Giving very odd excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting
heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but
missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped
dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let
the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked
them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab
but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and
now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let
them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab
but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get
around them

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND

LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Recruiting any and all pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the
recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base
that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers
who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to
them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air
Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper
work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and
asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you
know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood
choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Bragging about old times

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all
you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear
slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

My men are very brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General
Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is
greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are
your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're
the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank
coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away,
Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Speaking with the general

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard
duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to
attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier,
nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so
the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find
soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes
Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to
train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Reward these soldiers for their work

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland
Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had
distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we
weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did,
however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will
be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on
the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70
inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking
off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that
he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and
return the others."

Give chocolate pudding

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert

Civil War Era humor

Civil War Era Humor

The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil
War.

BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of
the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was
captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur
put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was
astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington
Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company , my six sisters came to say
goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned
down and kissed me on top of the head."

LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that
he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend
that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she
married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the .... mailman.

KINDNESS... Treated kindly, a soldier responds with kindness. Treated kindly, a citizen
responds with treason.

PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others
joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married
women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife
good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he
was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay
home and run the farm.

COFFIN was called a wooden overcoat.

GREY UNIFORM... After the war a former Confederate officer, who violated the city
ordinance against wearing a grey uniform in public, was arrested and put in jail. He broke
the law because he did not own another suit. A former Union Officer asked for and
received permission from the sheriff to share the cell; remaining there until public
opinion forced the one time Rebel's release with repeal of the law.

MANNERS... Don't let your hurry up take over your manners.

DRUGS... A lot of drugs will make you any person you want to be; but no drug can make
you be the person you used to be.

NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his
regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was
running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him
why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier
decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all
his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in
shooting a man that is not facing you."

OFFICER'S SHOULDER BARS were called pumpkin rinds.

NO COUNTERSIGN... When food was scarce many soldiers would steal or pillage
nearby farms for anything that could be converted to food or drink. One evening an
Officer smelled roast pork, investigating he found a pig roasting over a camp fire and
asked who the soldiers were that stole it. A Corporal came to attention and said "sir, I was
on picket duty and when I heard a noise and I called out for the pass word. All I heard
was oink and that is not the countersign so I shot him. We were just going to bring him to
your tent for court martial and have you pass judgment on him. The Officer, suppressing
a smile, said " bring only a part of him and I will pass a partial sentence."

FREE WHISKEY... A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the
men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and
that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would
tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning
he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he
ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a
twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?"

CANNONBALL... A whistling cannon ball can dampen a soldiers courage.

COWARD... A Confederate expression used to express a coward, " He developed a case

of Yankee Chills."

YOUNG SOLDIER... A young soldier never sees danger until it is time to die.

SCARED... A soldier in battle stated that he was so scared that if he was a girl , he'd cry.

WAXED MUSTACHE... A soldier that had no respect for his commanding officer who
wore a waxed mustache, would shout to him " take those mice out of your mouth, I can
see their tails hanging out."

FOG OF WAR... A term used to describe a sense of confusion that seems to over take a
Commander at the commencement of a battle.

SLIPPERY BACON... Bacon that is so rotten, it's only use would be to start a fire with.

BATHROOM... Although not listed in the rules of war, soldiers on both sides did not
shoot at the enemy when he was going to the bathroom.

FIRST BATTLE... When a soldier went into a battle for the very first time, it was called "
seeing the elephant " and also when two veterans would meet and discuss their first battle
they would use the expression " Where did you lose your grin?" The fun for a young
soldier was over once he entered his first battle.

BUGLE... In the winter, one of the favorite tricks that the soldiers would play on the
bugler was to put water in his bugle at night and let it freeze. The next morning the bugler
would be unable to blow reveille until he thawed out his bugle.

BUTTONS... When an officer was detailed to do many different duties by his

Commander he would describe himself as having to many buttons on his coat.

ROOSTER... The Confederate Army won many of the battles in the beginning and the
middle of the war. One reason was that the Union were the invaders and were attacking
fortified positions. The Confederates were entrenched and defending their homeland .
They described it best with the expression, " A rooster fights best on his own hill."

BAYONET... A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could
stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into
battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked
to see his bayonet. The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe
my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the
bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared " May the Lord change
this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."

BRAVERY... A brave soldier is a compassionate enemy.

Piloting your plane

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by
flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Misunderstanding terms
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same
language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the
lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and
close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

His military etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR

Remember during wars

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

A young naval student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the
captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."