A Geek's Guide To

____________________________________________________________________

GET
LAID!
____________________________________________________________________

Have Sex Even If You're

Fat, Ugly Or Worse!

DAVE BRINER

Geek Guide Books, LLC

http://www.geekguidebooks.com
 CHAPTER TWO
When In Doubt, Whip It Out!
phal·lus (fāl'əs) noun.
Anatomy. The sexually undifferentiated tissue in an
embryo that becomes the penis or clitoris.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.
Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004.

What would a book like this be, without an entire chapter

about genitals and masturbation? It would be like Arthur
without Merlin, Han Solo without Chewbacca, Buffy
without Angel, Kirk without Spock, Admiral Adama
without Colonel Tigh, The Doctor without a companion,
Dr. Sam Beckett without Al and Ziggy and...well...you get
the idea, right?

Men spend an almost unhealthy amount of time, some

starting at a very young age, obsessing about the length
and girth of the dangling cone of flesh between their legs.
Some women also seem to be overly concerned about the
size of the folds, color of the skin and depth of their fleshy
crevice. When you add breast size issues to the mix- things
get even more disturbing!

I want to make a very distinct point about your penis or

vagina right here at the beginning of this chapter. You
need to pay very close attention to this. Are you ready?
You had absolutely NO control over how your genitals
turned out...Nadda, Zilch, Zip, Pagh (yes- I included
Klingon)! Biology and Anatomy Geeks know that every
single aspect of the shape, size and other features were
predetermined by the genetic mashup that occurred
because your dad didn't wear a condom or, if you prefer a
more technical description, at the time you were conceived.

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Blame your parents, Grandparents, Great-Grandparents,
Great-Great-Grandparents...but don't think, not even for a
nanosecond, that you had anything to do with it! Until
Doctors master their skills at DNA manipulation and
genetic engineering (and the science is accepted by society
and allowed by the powers that be), you can't change what
traits you pass along to your children or your children pass
on to your Grandchildren.

As you grew inside your mother's womb, some of the cells

formed what is known as the phallus. Then following the
directions provided by your unique DNA code, that mass of
tissue formed either a clitoris, a penis or in some very rare
cases- both (human hermaphrodites are definitely an
interesting phenomenon). Research has shown very little
change occurs to the genital areas from the time of your
birth until you reach puberty. Once puberty starts,
specifically for males, it takes about 5 to 6 years for the
penis to reach its final size.

The next few sections of this chapter deal primarily with

penis size and penis measuring, penis enlargements,
premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and other
random penile information. I will not, however, discuss
'penis envy' in this book because there is far too much
conflicting research about this subject. Personally, I think
the only thing any Geek without a penis would be envious
of is- maybe- not having the ability to piss standing up
(admittedly, it does save some time). But with innovative
products created for women, like the 12-inch GOLDEN
SHENIS (http://www.shenis.com) and other similar
products available to purchase online, I don't think that's a
valid issue anymore.

So, if you're a Geek who doesn't have a penis or you don't

care to read about the psychological and physiological
penis issues some men face, feel free to skip to the vagina
or masturbation sections of this chapter.

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How's It Hanging?

So what's a normal penis size? There are a lot of

myths surrounding this subject and a frighteningly large
amount of completely false information on the internet.
You'd think that most of the adult men on this planet are
walking around with below average penises in their pants if
you looked at the number of PENIS ENLARGEMENT
messages received in our email on a daily basis (these
messages are automatically sent to my Spam folder). But
that's just not the case.

In a review, printed in the British Journal of Urology, Dr.

Kevan Wylie and Dr. Ian Eardley compiled data from 50
different studies on penis size dating back to the early
1940's to now. That's over 60 years of detailed scientific
data. Their review of the data shows the average male
penis is roughly 5.5-6.2 inches long and 4.7-5.1 inches in
circumference when completely erect. That's it! To put
that in perspective, we're only talking 1-2 inches longer
than an iPhone (it's 4.5 inches) and about the same length
as your Nintendo Wii controller (roughly 5.83 inches)!

My 'By The Book' Method...

OK guys, here's an easy way to literally use this

book to see if you measure up. I want you to go the
bathroom or your bedroom right now (don't forget to take
the book with you) and drop your pants. Now, get your
penis hard and put it next to this book, placing part of the
spine up against your lower abdomen. If the tip of your
penis is close to the end or goes past the end of the book-
CONGRATULATIONS! You have an average sized penis
(this book is 6 inches wide). If your penis is close to the
end or goes over the edge of the book when you turn the
book the other way (top to bottom)- buy yourself a T-shirt
that says I'M PACKING, because you're well above average
(this book is 9 inches tall)! Just please do me a favor and
wipe down the book (or your iPhone or Wii controller)

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when you're done with this measurement experiment.

I remember when the movie Watchmen came out, a ton of

Fan Boys freaked out and posted multi-page complaints
online about Dr. Manhattan's penis. I was amazed and
appalled at these rants. The films producers used the body
of a model/actor named Greg Plitt, digitally inserted Billy
Crudup's head on the body and showed this big digital blue
penis in several scenes. But I'd be willing to bet, those
same guys who complained about the penis shots being in
the movie (and sadly showed the world their homophobic
tendencies), paused their DVD or Blu-Ray to do mental
calculations measuring their penis size compared to that of
Dr. Manhattan.

I, like so many other guys (whether you're man enough to

admit it or not), constantly worried about my penis size.
As you grow up, it's tough to find a way to compare-
without creating a really awkward situation. If you
watched porn videos- you'd definitely think you were are
packing a tiny weenie since the producers/directors of
those movies tend to pick the really BIG boys for their
projects! In gym class the only guys who you'd see walking
around the locker room, without a towel, were the ones
who won the genetic lottery and ended up with a third leg.
Of course, who could blame them? If I had a massive
penis- I'd want to show it off too!

In a weird way though, I have to say I also won the genetic

lottery. Maybe not the Mega-Powerball Jackpot, so to
speak, instead- more like one of those $20 scratch-off
games. What do I mean? Well, my dad has a really small
penis. The only reason I can say this with absolute
certainty, is because I had the misfortune of seeing it when
I accidentally caught him jerking off during a road trip one
summer (I'm still disturbed by this memory).

It was a horrible experience and I'm not going to scar you

with the details of this particular story. But I will admit,
I'm surprised I didn't get ulcers from worrying about
whether I was going to end up with a super small penis like

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him. Somehow I lucked out and ended up with a slightly
above average penis. Whew...

Even though my penis is technically above average (and

yes I've measured), it still looks small. My penis looks
small in relation to the size of my body because I am a FAT
guy. Proportionately, I would need to have a 12-14 inch
penis for it to look average with my body. If I was actually
packing that in my pants, I would have probably been
known as “Donkey Dong Dave” or something in High
School!

Also, because of the amount of fat accumulated at the base

of my penis (close to the same area where some women
get what they call their 'fat pooch'), it tends to look smaller
because part of it is hidden beneath the surface. And if my
penis is completely flaccid, it appears to be nearly non-
existent because of all the fat! However, in either instance,
if you push the 'pooch' area back or lay down- all is
revealed.

The reality is, many men with normal size penises, believe
they have a small penis. This is more commonly known as
SPS, or Small Penis Syndrome, and is also sometimes
referred to as “Locker Room Syndrome”. Even with the
knowledge of what an average penis size is, guys just can't
quite seem to judge their own size correctly.

Some researchers believe this is because of the perspective

men have when looking down on their penis or into a
mirror. The distance between your eyes and your penis (or
the mirror) can play tricks on your mind and make it
appear smaller than it actually is (kind of like when you
look out the window of a plane and see the tiny houses,
buildings, cars and roads below). Since most guys don't
have a ruler tattooed on their penis (although I have seen
pics of someone who did), through our own eyes it doesn't
ever seem to be big enough.

Here are a few penis size facts I thought you might find
interesting- just consider them a bonus. In 2010, a

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company who sells condoms and safe-sex products called
Condomania (http://www.condomania.com) conducted
some research using their client database to come up with
a list of states and cities in the United States with the
biggest and smallest penises. The five states listed as
having the smallest junk (at least from the sample of their
customers) were Wyoming, Utah, Iowa, Alaska and West
Virginia. The five states listed as having the largest junk
were New Hampshire, Oregon, New York, Indiana and
Arizona.

Their data showed that the US cities with the largest penis
size were New Orleans, Washington, D.C., San Diego, New
York City and Phoenix. Condomania.com's research also
claimed that 25% of men are shorter than five inches, 25%
are longer than six inches and 50% are between five and six
inches. Of the 25% who had penises longer than six inches,
the largest guys were more than ten inches in length. Of
the 25% who had penises shorter than five inches, the
smallest guys were packing less than three inches.

Who's got the biggest dick of them all? A really nice guy
(who I've actually interviewed on my Radio show) named
Jonah Falcon is recognized as having the world's longest
penis (you may have seen a story about him on The Daily
Show). It's been measured at 13.5 inches flaccid and he
says when it's fully erect he literally gets lightheaded from
a lack of blood to his brain. For some reason John refuses
to make money in porn (although he wants to be a
'regular' actor) and lives with his mom. What a waste!

Cheating The Penis Fairy...

I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about

Penis Enlargements, but it does need to be mentioned.
Chances are, after measuring your penis using my “By The
Book” method (or your iPhone or Wii remote), you've
hopefully learned you have a normal size penis. But for
those who are still worried about the size, and feel like all

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you got were the leftovers from the 'Penis Fairy', there are a
few options (which all sound extremely painful in my
opinion).

Medical procedures include cutting ligaments in the penis

to make it hang lower (usually by only one-two inches
max), injecting fat to temporarily increase size and even
cutting your penis in half and inserting something to force
it to stretch out even more (are you in pain yet?). There's
also a new procedure that uses a product called AlloDerm.
AlloDerm is made from donated skin tissue (primarily
from human cadavers...aka...dead bodies) and creates
regenerative tissue. Doctors will place sheets of this stuff
under the skin to give you a wider penis (I see dead people
on your penis). One place well-known for this last
procedure is Beverly Hills Surgical Specialists
(http://www.beverlyhillssurgical.com).

However, most Doctors are still not convinced these Penis

Enlargement surgeries are really effective or even worth
the possible side effects. Personally, I think I'd rather have
an Alien pop out of my abdomen than go through any of
those procedures!

Other non-medical treatments that have been used for

centuries include tying a rope to your penis with weights
on the end to stretch it, letting snakes bite it and other
things that would make even the most pain tolerant person
cringe. Of course, there are also penis pumps, creams and
other remedies offered by what I believe are nothing more
than 21st Century snake-oil salespeople. But the possible
dangers and physical effects some of these options create
make them unreliable and really should scare the shit out
of you!

Most researchers believe both the medical and non-

medical penis enlargement options actually provide what is
more commonly known as a psychological “placebo effect”
rather than actual long-term physical improvements to the
size of your penis. So if you choose to move forward with
any of the above mentioned options, be sure to seek out

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competent medical advice and I also encourage you to
proceed with extreme caution!

PE & ED...

Nothing will make most guys uncomfortably shift in

their chairs faster than bringing up either Premature
Ejaculation or Erectile Dysfunction. Both of these
conditions effect millions of men and if you suffer from
either of them, you really should seek medical advice.

So what is Premature Ejaculation? Is it when you cum

during foreplay (I think of Jim in American Pie), if a guy
cums before his partner (isn't that almost always?) or is it
when a guy ejaculates within the first couple of minutes of
Sex? It's hard to say what is or isn't PE since there's no
universally accepted definition, but if a lack of stamina is
effecting your Sex life, then there's a good chance
something needs to be done about it. The good news is- it's
not your fault!

A study printed in the “Journal of Sexual Medicine” found

that you can blame your dad! Well, actually what it said
was that Premature Ejaculation may be a genetic issue
(passed down from father to son) related to a variation in
a gene that controls the release of dopamine in your brain.
Men with this specific genetic abnormality were more
likely to ejaculate faster than men without it (seriously-
why couldn't this gene give you telepathic powers or let
you control time instead?).

Every year men buy millions of dollars worth of those

desensitizing creams, sprays, natural enhancements and
other products they see online, on TV or hear about on the
Radio to try to keep from cumming too fast. They buy all
these products despite the fact study after study proves
that none of that crap works. But there is one option out
there that has been proven to actually work!

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A drug designed to help guys with PE has been available in
Finland, Sweden, Austria, Portugal and Germany for a
while now. The same drug was first released in the U.K. in
2010 by Janssen Pharmaceutica. The drug is called
PRILIGY (http://www.janssen-cilag.com). But of course,
it's not currently available in the U.S. The Food and Drug
Administration has rejected the drug because they say it
raises your serotonin levels too quickly and acts as a brief
anti-depressant which is bad for your body in short
concentrated bursts.

The drug maker claims it's safe and simply helps men have
more control over their ejaculations when taken one to
three hours before Sexual activity. But PRILIGY is really
expensive- it costs $42 per pill (who says money doesn't
buy happiness)!

Thanks to a ton of research, we know a lot about Erectile

Dysfunction. The known causes range from smoking,
obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, stress, lack of physical
exercise and surgery complications to nerve damage, high
blood pressure drugs, anti-depressants, psychological
problems and even low levels of testosterone.

ED is easily treatable in a lot of cases. It is treated with

certain lifestyle changes (losing weight, eliminating stress,
etc.), the use of certain kinds of penis pumps, surgery
(where they insert special rods into the penis) and some
very well-known drugs like Levitra, Cialis or Viagra (way
too many joke opportunities here).

Pussy Patrol...

While it's true that guys are always worried about

the size of their package and how good they are in bed, it's
equally true that women are just as paranoid and
concerned about certain aspects of their vagina. I've talked
to women who were worried that, because of all the men
they'd slept with, their vagina was worn out, too loose or

39
too deep. I try hard not to laugh when I hear this, but I can
see their point. The reality of the vagina is, just like with a
penis, no two are the same. Some are wider than others,
some are deeper than others, some are more sensitive and
some are really strong. I say 'strong' because the vagina is,
in its simplest form, just a muscular canal.

Internally, an average vagina is roughly 3 inches wide and

3.5 inches deep from the front opening to the rear of the
canal where the cervix is located. However, the vagina is
very elastic and, when aroused, can stretch to twice it's
normal size to accommodate for a penis or to prepare for
childbirth (sorry- I haven't come up with any cool
measurement technique like I did with my “By The Book”
method for guys to see if your vagina is average or not
yet...but I'll keep working on it).

On the outside of the vagina there are a few folds of skin.

First is the Labia Majora, this is the largest fold which is
usually closed to protect the more sensitive interior. Next
(from the top to bottom) is the clitoral hood (a protective
flap of skin), the clitoris itself, the urethral opening (where
the urine comes out), the Labia Minora (which is basically
a second skin fold of protection) and finally the main
vaginal opening.

Many women are unhappy with the appearance of the skin

folds and the coloration of the vaginal opening. They elect
to have surgery to make it look better. The two most
popular forms of surgery are Labiaplasty (to get rid of a
large or irregularly shaped Labia caused by childbirth or
other medical issue) and Vaginoplasty (which tightens the
muscles, skin and tissue around the vagina). I'm not
really sure what these women think this area is 'supposed'
to look like, but they are willing to spend tens of thousands
of dollars to fix it. Personally, as long as it doesn't have
sharp teeth or an Exogorth living inside it- I don't care
what a woman's vagina looks like.

Since I'm a bit of an aficionado when it comes to fingering

women, my chubby digits have explored a variety of

40
wonderfully diverse vaginal canals. A few of them I could
easily put three fingers in side-by-side with room to spare.
Most were only wide enough to take two fingers at a time.
The rest could barely handle just one of my fingers at a
time because they were so tight, even when fully aroused.
The dimensions had absolutely nothing to do with the body
type of the women either. They were all different and
unique from the inside out.

Something I'd like you to keep in mind if you're trying to

compare your vagina to the ones you see online, in
magazines or in other types of porn- many of the images
you see have been altered to be more appealing. Don't
think your vagina has to have the exact same look as the
pictures you see.

It seems like as most men are doing whatever they can to

lose their virginity, many women are doing whatever they
can to try to get theirs back. The BBC ran a story recently
about the growing popularity of Hymenoplasty surgeries.
Women are paying $2,500 or more to have surgeons
reattach their hymen- you know, that thin tissue Sexual
barrier women have until they have Sex or get into serious
masturbation. Some prostitutes and escorts have these
procedures done two or three times a year so they can
“sell” the opportunity to take their virginity to the highest
bidder and make a ton of cash.

Titillating Twins

Here's where we get the opportunity to talk about

breasts and breast size! I am a big fan of boobs...all shapes
and sizes. For a long time I had a bit of an obsession with
seeing as many of them as possible (which is probably
why I worked as a DJ in a strip club for a while).
Although many women are worried about the appearance
and dimensions of their vagina, even more women are
concerned about the size of their breasts. But just like with
the size of a man's penis, the size of your breasts are

41
determined by a unique set of genetic circumstances.
However, you actually have some control over how big or
small they end up (as long as you're willing to do some
elective surgery).

Breasts that are too big or too small can cause women to
have serious self-esteem issues or even health problems.
Because of the extra weight women with extremely large
breasts carry around, it can cause them to suffer from neck,
shoulder and back problems. Through puberty and
adolescence, these women also have to deal with the
staring, pointing and other negative social interactions
associated with having large boobs. Women with small
breasts can also suffer from inferiority issues when they
compare themselves to their peers. Some women handle
these types of issues better than others.

Some people like large breasts and some people like

smaller ones. It's just a personal preference, like whether
you prefer graphic novels over traditional comic books. As
I've already mentioned, I pretty much like them all- real or
fake. I've been with a woman with Double G's (these
things were bigger than my head), a woman with barely
an A cup (I have bigger boobs than she does- gotta love
man boobs) and just about every size in between. The
woman with the massive breasts ended up having
reduction surgery a few years ago because of severe back
problems. The woman with the A cup has never had any
interest in getting a boob job, she says she's perfectly
happy with what she's got.

If you're happy with what you've got- great! If you want

bigger boobs- look into a breast augmentation. If you want
smaller breasts- there's always the option of a reduction.
But please, don't let your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse,
partner, friends or other people convince you to make
changes to your body if you don't want to. It's all about
whether you're happy with what you see in the mirror
every morning. If they're hounding you to make changes-
tell them to do it to their own body and leave you alone!
I'm not picky. I'm happy to stare at, touch, fondle, lick or

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suck on any size boobs if their owner is willing to let me.

Mastering Masturbation...

How often do you masturbate? No, really?

Whether you play with your lightsaber or double-click your
mouse once a month or ten times a day, you're perfectly
normal! Masturbation is a natural and healthy form of
Sexual expression. A national study showed that roughly
95% of men and about 90% of women have masturbated.
For many people, the first time they have an orgasm is
through masturbation. Since there is no 'right' or 'normal'
number of times to do it, I say do it as often as you want!

Masturbation can be a bit of a paradox though. It's good

because it helps you learn about your body, how you like to
be touched, where you like to be touched and, therefore,
can help make your Sex life better. However, if you
become too obsessed with masturbating, you can actually
lose interest in having Sex with a real-life partner. And if
you do it too often, it can cause you to need extreme
amounts of pressure and friction to reach climax. This
makes it difficult for another person to successfully give
you an orgasm and can cause other Sexual dysfunction
issues too.

Another good thing about masturbation is that, for the

most part, it's safe. You can't get an STD or get someone
pregnant from masturbating. But- it's still not 100% safe.
It can irritate your most sensitive skin areas, screw up your
urethra so it's hard or painful to urinate and, if guys are too
rough when they do it, it can literally fracture the cartilage
in the penis!

It Just Went Off In My Hand...

I recall thinking I broke my penis the first time I

masturbated. I don't remember how old I was, but it freaked

43
me out so much I thought the cum that came out was actually
blood. It was dark and I was lying in my bed playing with myself,
and quickly stroking it, when it just exploded in my hand. I was
so worried that I had ruined my sheets and that I would have to
explain to my parents why there was blood everywhere. When I
turned the lights on and didn't see any blood on my hand, my
clothes or my sheets, I was really confused. I guess I was pretty
rough on myself that night- my penis was bruised for a couple of
days afterward.

The Toys You Really Love...

Sex toys have been around a long time. I mean,

after a while using your own hand gets a little, well, boring.
In 2010 researchers from the University of Tubingen in
Germany found an ancient piece of stone, about eight
inches long, in a cave that was polished smooth with a ring
etched around the top. They claim this is a 28,000-year-
old dildo. The classic toys are still around, but we've made
some significant technological advances in the last fifty or
so years.

Today, women can choose from simple bullet-egg

vibrators, pocket rockets, mini vibrators (to keep in their
purse and use when they're stressed), those creepy looking
wand massagers, traditional, realistic, long, short, wide,
anal vibrators, vibrators designed specifically to target your
G-spot or clitoris, the extremely popular 'rabbit' vibrators
and even DIY vibrator kits for all the horny Geeks out there
who like to build things with their hands! These things can
plug into the wall, run on battery-power or even solar
power if you want (for the environmentally-conscious
horndog), they'll work underwater, move in three different
directions at once or have two ends for you and a partner.

Men aren't just stuck with five-fingered Rosie either!

There are an amazing number of pocket pussies, girlfriend
grippers, vibrating vaginas, tube strokers, pumps, Sex
dolls, celebrity molds, strap-ons and other options

44
available. These things are designed so you can just lay
back and enjoy the experience without too much work on
your part. You can even get some models with wireless
remotes (we all know how guys love to have control of the
remote).

In Dallas, there are a ton of Adult Novelty and Adult Toy

shops to choose from. But I understand these stores are
actually illegal in some parts of the U.S. (this is the 21st
Century, right?) Don't let that stop you from enjoying
some squishy, plastic robotic love! You can order all the
hedonistic toys you want from websites like:

Adam & Eve

http://www.adameve.com

The Pleasure Chest

http://www.thepleasurechest.com

Christie's Toy Box

http://www.christiestoybox.com

Xandria
http://www.xandria.com

Eden Fantasys
http://www.edenfantasys.com

And if you're ever in Dallas, I highly recommend you visit:

New Fine Arts

http://www.sexysite.com

Condoms To Go
http://www.condomstogousa.com

Sara's Secret
http://www.sarassecret.com

45
A Little Inspiration...

As fun as all the Sex toys and gadgets are to play

with, sometimes they're just not enough. Sometimes you
need inspiration. You have to think of someone in your life
(or a celebrity) or a certain fantasy scenario to help you get
your release. There's nothing wrong with that. I have
several women in my 'spank bank' to use when I need them
(most of them are celebrities). My list includes- Amanda
Tapping (Stargate SG-1, Sanctuary), Pauley Perrette
(NCIS), Paget Brewster (Criminal Minds), Beth Riesgraf
(Leverage), Katee Sackhoff (BSG), Tricia Helfer (BSG),
Karen Gillan (Doctor Who), Allison Scagliotti (Warehouse
13) and Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer). So who's on your list?

Looking at nudie magazines and porn are also an option,

but be careful managing your expectations in real life when
you use this option. It's easy to get lost in the fantasy and
lose your ability to maintain interpersonal relationships
when you become obsessed with it. Porn is helpful when
you have certain activities you know you enjoy watching-
such as blowjobs, anal Sex, group Sex, girl-on-girl Sex, guy-
on-guy Sex, bondage Sex or a specific fetish. Although I'm
not a big fan of porn now, in college I had a small collection
of Playboy magazines and a very unique collection of
videos. There was a series of porn 'blooper' videos that I
just couldn't get enough of.

These videos showed some of the behind-the-scene goofs

and mistakes during filming...and they were hilarious!
Camera guys getting too close and getting the lens stuck in
certain orifices, cum shots hitting the camera, lactating
women squirting milk before the director was ready for the
shot, actors falling down, actors or actresses losing control,
dogs investigating the filming areas, fluffers trying to talk
on the phone while working and a bunch of other jacked up
shit.

It was while I was watching these videos that I accidentally

came across another fun trick to do with porn...something I

46
call the 'cum vacuum' (it's probably not what you think).
Here's what you do- forward to the point right after a guy
cums on camera and pause it. Now, hit the back button (so
it's going backward slowly at about 1/16 or ¼ regular
speed). You'll notice that it looks like the dude's dick is
sucking up all the cum like a vacuum! I don't know why I
found that so funny, but it still makes me laugh.

I happily shared my video porn collection with my

Fraternity brothers and other friends if they asked. My
only rule was that they had to wipe the tape down (in front
of me) before they gave it back, so I knew it didn't have any
of their bodily fluids still stuck to the tape. In fact, one of
the funniest masturbation stories I tell has to do with one
of my porn tapes and a Fraternity brother of mine.

No Privacy...

I was living in a house with six of my Fraternity brothers.

It was a big house and we had several rooms in this house that
were used for specific purposes- the fuck room, TV/video game
room, drinking room, music room, etc. The reason we had
specific rooms is because many of the bedrooms were
connected to each other, so you had to walk through one
bedroom to get to another (mine was like this). This made it
difficult to have Sex in your room without the threat of someone
walking in and interrupting you. Also, we were all sharing the
master bathroom, which you could only get to through my
bedroom and through the master bedroom, located at the back
of the house. The other bathroom in the house had been
completely demolished during a party and we didn't want to tell
the landlord and get kicked out.

One of my brothers, John, decided that he was going to watch

one of my porn videos and have a little private whack time. I
gave him the tape and didn't think anything of it. A bunch of
the other guys in the house were hanging out in the music room
drinking beer and I decided to join them. After a few beers I

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really needed to piss. So I left the music room and headed
toward the back of the house. I walked past the TV/video game
room and noticed the door was shut. I assumed John was in
there handling his business. I walked through my room to the
master bedroom and opened the door.

What happened next seemed to happen in extreme slow

motion. As the door swung open, the first thing I saw was John
up on the bed, standing at the very edge of it facing the TV in
the corner. He was standing there like he was straddling a horse
between his legs in some kind of riding position. He was holding
a bedpost with his right hand and was pounding his cock with
the other. The porn he had borrowed was playing on the TV- I
recognized it immediately from the two girls on the screen and
the music playing in the background.

His head slowly lifted, turned toward me and then this look of
extreme horror formed on his flushed face. He let go of the
bedpost (but for some reason kept holding his dick with the
other hand) and leaped off the bed. Thanks to what I assume
was a huge jolt of adrenaline, he managed to jump at least 10
feet and land right behind the bedroom door. I didn't move, I
was still in shock from the scene I just witnessed. At this point
John just started screaming at me about having “no privacy” in
the house, that all he wanted was some “fucking privacy” and
tried to slam the door in my face.

I stepped back and let the door close. I stood there staring at
the door, John was still screaming about having “no privacy” and
that I was a “fucking asshole”. At this point, the laughter started
and just wouldn't stop. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed
myself, because I still had to go really bad. I ended up with no
other choice than to piss in the kitchen sink. When I finally
returned to the music room I was still laughing. I was laughing
and couldn't form the words to tell the other guys what had
happened. All I could get out was “no privacy”. I finally calmed
down and started to tell the story when John came walking in.
The uncontrollable laughter immediately hit me again. He

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flipped me off and stormed out of the room. The rest of the
guys, even though they didn't know the whole story yet, started
laughing too.

Later, I found out he decided to use the master bedroom instead

of the TV/video game room because there were already a
couple of guys in the TV room. So, for some reason, he thought
it would be safe to use the master bedroom to jerk off. He was
wrong. We ended up getting locks for all the bedroom doors
after this incident. But every time I see John, I always make it a
point to ask him if he has enough privacy.

Another detail of the story I haven't mentioned yet is that John

has, what most people would describe as, a monster cock. Up
to that point, I'd heard rumors and random statements from
others about it, but it was confirmed as absolute truth that day.
John's a short, skinny guy so you wouldn't necessarily think he
had a python in his pants when you look at him- but he does. I
can't figure out why he got so embarrassed when I walked in on
him. If I had his dick, I would have left the door to the bedroom
open on purpose just to show it off...but that's just me.

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