P eparing For
merritt@peoplenewspapers.com
It's never too early to start embellishingyour fa nily'saccomplishments
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R
ecently, as I
skimmed the
wedding pages,
it hit me. I've been doing
this all wrong. I've been
preparing my now 10- and
13-year-old daughters for
success in high school,
which would ultimately
allow them to attend'
top-notch colleges. But
now I Know how ridicu-
lously short-sighted that
sounds. While part of my
approach was on target, I
was neglecting the bigger
picture - their engage-
ment announcements.
It could take well over a
decade to adequately pre-
pare. So I splashed some
cold water on my face
and developed a new mis-
sion statement: To raise
my girls in a way that will
enhance my ability to draft
an engagement announce-
ment that elegantly com-
municates "I win" to each
mom I've wanted to flip
off since my daughters
started kindergarten.
Ladies, I don't want to
scare you, but research
indicates this is a pretty
big job. You've got to be
ready to present a based-
on-a-true-story account
of your family's social
standing and achieve-
ments - complete with an
emphasis on your daugh-
ter's upbringing, a list of
the foreign languages she
speaks, and a nod to the
groom - in 150 words or
less. No easy task for an
unprepared slacker.
n~gementNo ·ce
But for me, it'll be a
breeze, because I'm so
already on this. When my
daughter falls in love and
brings an adorable young
man home to show us the
most humongous ring
I've ever seen, I'll give
some obligatory hugs and
kisses, but then I'll whip
out my rough draft and
fill in the blanks with this
guy's data. And there's no
doubt his info will flow
beautifully because I'll
have instructed my girls to
. date with their eye on the
prize - the wording of the
announcement.
To that end, they can
accept dates only with
boys who meet the follow-
ing criteria:
1. If he did not attend
HPHS, St. Mark's, or ESD,
he must have graduated
from an East Coast high
school with "preparatory"
in the name.
2. If his last name
doesn't include a ''van'' or
"de," it should be some-
thing like Windsor.
3. If he hasn't earned a
master's degree, he must,
at a minimum, be enrolled
in an Ivy League program
before we go to print.
And it's not just my kids
who'll have some work to
do. My husband will have
to get a Ph.D. - STAT.
Because if he doesn't, the
announcement will begin
with "Mr." instead of "Dr."
Glad I caught that in time.
For moms who think
they could never compete
----- ._--_.-
in this game, note that suc-
cess depends only on how
you take reality and give it
a little spin. For example:
MUfyour daughter went
on a glorified school-spon-
sored field trip to London
for a couple of weeks the
summer before her junior
year, try this: "The bride
studied in Great Britain
before returning to the
states, where she received
a bachelor's degree from
the University of Texas."
ruIf she was a Tri Delt
and once did a char-
ity walk-a-then, give the
memory a formal make-
over: "The bride was a
member of the Delta Delta
Delta sorority, where she
developed her deep com-
mitment to philanthropy."
ISThe fiance hasn't
found a job yet, so he's
hanging out with his dad
who is a real estate agent?
Tweak it: "The groom is a
property acquisitions con-
sultant"
But here's the big
dilemma. If my daughter
still wants to be a. fash-
ion designer when col-
lege rolls around, it'll take
some vocab gymnastics to
fit the word "aerospace"
in. So I'm working on a list
of alternative terms that
will disguise the obvious
lack of rocket science:
ru Matriculated
!.@ Republican
ffi! International
illi White House intern
f@. Antidisestablishment-
APRIL 15, 2011 I-SA
arianism
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Engagement otices
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