You are on page 1of 5

Cocktail Party English Small Talk American Style

by Robert and Reiko Inokoshi Seltman


This article originally appeared both in English and Japanese; Saga Art College Art Communication Magazine Be-
Bi’ve. Kyoto, Japan 1994

Americans often socialize. Artists go to gallery openings where drinks are served and people chat. Athletes and sports
fans often go drinking after a game to talk over the action. Business people have parties in their homes for office
associates and their families, or attend conferences and office parties. On campus students have dances and dorm
parties to make new friends. To know how to speak small talk at such occasions is an important skill for both survival
and having fun in America.
Although people everywhere are basically the same, each culture has its own style of party conversation. This article
can help the Japanese student understand some basic techniques for making friends at parties in America. Travelers
will find this information useful for Australia, England, or just about anywhere English speaking people get together.
The first point to remember is the difference in the role of women in American society verses Japanese society. In the
US, women are expected to ‘hold their own’ in conversation. To be silent when spoken to can be a sign of ignorance
and/or rudeness. When a woman does not participate actively in the conversation, people may think she is either
stupid or snobbish. Therefore, the first challenge for the Japanese woman abroad is to overcome her shyness and
modesty and learn to participate fully.
When Americans introduce themselves, everyone wears at least two hats. It is assumed people have a career of
some kind and an active social life outside of work. Therefore, people should be prepared to talk about themselves in
two ways, as a professional and a private person. By private, I do not mean very personal things, but of an interest
outside of work like painting, fishing, baseball, travel, etc.
The two most common questions at parties are "What do you do?" and "What do you do for fun?" "What do you do?"
means "What is your job?" but is more open-ended, to include being a student, a musician, an actor, or other way
someone may see themselves professionally. We usually answer with our career title plus some additional
information. For example, "I am an art student studying at Saga College in Kyoto. I love to paint, and hope to be a
professional oil painter someday." or "I am an English teacher in Japan. I specialize in teaching art students how to
talk about their work in English."
Although "What do you do for fun?" is usually translated "What is your hobby?" this is not the best way to ask this
question. The American word ‘hobby’ means ‘doing something small with your hands in your spare time,’ like
collecting postcards, making model airplanes, or perhaps knitting. Hobbies usually do not include activities like sports,
fine arts, music, etc. and the word is often associated with very young teenagers or old retired people.
When Americans talk about their ‘after work’ activities, it is important to sound excited. We say “All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy.” We expect people to have an interest or two outside of work. Someone who only talks about
his or her job is usually considered boring. Because we are responsible for the careers we choose and interests we
have, people are expected to be authorities or at least enthusiastic about their area of interest. For example, if you say
you study art, people may ask you “What kind of art do you like?” “Who are your favorite artists?” “Have you seen the
latest show at the museum?” etc. If you say you like baseball, people may ask you “Who is your favorite team?” “What
position do you like to play?” “Who do you think will win the pennant?” etc.
We recommend students carefully study the vocabulary for their specialty. For example an artist may want to talk
about their favorite medium, what they like and dislike in art, which artists influenced them, etc. If you can talk about
your work and interest with sincerity and enthusiasm, people will feel relaxed with you and want to talk. If you are
silent, or answer questions with one word or ‘yes and no’ answers, people will assume you are not friendly. In
America, silence is often used to express anger or disinterest, and one word answers are usually a sign of rudeness,
meaning “Go away, I don’t want to speak to you!”
Sometimes the conversation may be going in a direction you are not interested in. It is helpful to know how to change
the subject. For example, you may not like discussing politics, religion, or an area you may know nothing about.
Simply say, “I know little about …(the subject you don’t like)… but would love to talk about …(the subject you do like)
…” In this way you can direct the conversation to an area you feel comfortable.
This is why it is helpful to have vocabulary and some knowledge of at least two or three different subjects. You make
start talking about sports and find the handsome man or beautiful woman you are talking to is not interested in sports,
with proper preparation you can easily switch to art, music, etc. The trick is, the more subjects you know well, the
greater the possibility of finding a common interest.
Many people feel they have little to talk about, but actually we all know lots of things about many subjects. It is just
necessary to choose our favorite subjects and learn the important vocabulary before we attend the party. With
knowledge of two or more subjects, we can easily find friends with similar interests at almost any American party. A
little preparation goes a long way.

Copyright © 1994 Robert and Reiko Inokoshi Seltman. All rights reserved.

http://www.lov-e.com/RLSArticlesfolder/Cocktail.html
Ten Sure-Fire Ways to “Make” Conversation
By: Susan G. Dunn, M.A.

We aren't born knowing how to talk. Nor are we born knowing how to make conversation. It's not a science, where we
can memorize rules. It's an art, where we must intuit the rules. One good way to learn to become a good
conversationalist is to study someone who is. Another is to work with a coach. It's a combination of being present and
engaged; having the non-verbals under control; being truly interested in the other people and curious about them;
taking responsibility for holding up your end ("Don't sit there like a bump on a log," my Dad used to say, and a
consummate conversationalist he was!); and having an interesting life yourself! After all, good conversation requires
that you talk about something. Here are some tips for the conversationally-challenged. Work with a coach if you want
to become proficient.
1. You can never lose by being a good listener.
Most people would rather talk than listen, and they need an audience. All you need to do is stay with it -
maintain eye contact, smile, nod occasionally, say "uh huh," "really?", "oh my goodness," "I understand
exactly what you mean," and "yes, I see."
2. If you're unsure of yourself, join existing groups where conversation is already in progress.
Until you're confident about what you're doing, don't initiate the conversation. It's too much work, and you don't
need to be the center of attention at this point.
3. Before you leave for the gathering, prepare yourself intellectually.
One woman I know who's an excellent conversationalist finds out what she can about the others who will be
there, and then does some reading. She really works at it. For instance, if she knows another guest at the
dinner party just moved from Boston, she'll get on the Internet and get herself informed. You can also
research other people's professions and hobbies. Then if you're seated on the cruise next to a woman from
Seattle, you can ask her if she's got a Chihuly and sound like a pro.
4. In any social situation, asking about people's children is a sure winner.
There's nothing most people would rather talk about than their kids, unless of course there's a problem that
you know of. Not always good for business networking, but at a cocktail party or dinner party, get them started
talking about their little darlings (or grand-darlings) and you'll never get a word in edgewise, which is what you
want when you're a newbie conversationalist.
5. Follow the conversation. Don't butt in, and don't get controversial, even if you don't agree with what's being
said.
Generally speaking, avoid controversial topics. Save giving your own opinion, when it differs, until you have
your sea legs. The old rule used to be "Don't talk about sex, religion or politics." (Talking about money wasn't
even a remote possibility.) Now there isn't much that's off-limits, but until you're a seasoned professional, don't
start out with, "What do you think about Bush's policy?" Too hot to handle and you could get in over your
head!
6. Write out a list of conversation-starters.
Nice safe topics (weather, current events, family plans, light work topics). Open-ended works best, but isn't
essential. People know they're supposed to be talking. Here are a few I would use here in my hometown:
• We sure have had a lot of rain for this time of year, haven't we?
• Did you get to watch the Spurs' Finals?
• Have you been down to the River lately? I heard there's a great new Mexican restaurant down there
where Paesano's used to be. What happened to Paesano's? (Several threads gives them several options
and fills air time.)
• Have you got a vacation planned for this summer?
• Did you see what they've done to the old Baptist hospital? (If they have, they'll comment. If they haven't,
you can inform.)
• Mary told me you're a personal life coach. What is it exactly that coaches do?
• Where do you know Alan and Sue (the host and hostess) from?
• Isn't this house lovely? I like the eclectic / modern / rustic / décor. I wonder where she got that painting.
• What were doing last Labor Day?
7. Write out a list of conversation-closers; that is when it's getting sticky or worn out, or you simply want to exit-
stage-left.
It's courteous to end with acknowledgement of the other person and the pleasure of the contact, whatever else
you say beforehand.
• "Well, I certainly have enjoyed talking with you. We'll have to get together some time." (This means
absolutely nothing. They'll say "Yes let's do" and you can leave.)
• Extend your hand and say "It was a pleasure meeting you." Follow whatever their reply is, generally with
smiles, nods, agreement.
• "Well, I guess I'll go check out the buffet. I heard the Cassata alla Siciliana is delicious. Do you mind?"
(Doesn't matter what they say ... this is ritual.)
• "Will you excuse me please?" with a slight nod of the head.
• "I think I'd better go find out what my husband/wife is up to."
• "I think I'll go see if Mary needs some help in the kitchen."
• "Time to go powder my nose. Do you know where the ladies' room is?"
• "I just saw my old piano teacher over there. I hope you won't mind. I haven't seen her in years."
• "Oh, please excuse me. I've got to get this ____ off my hands."
8. Learn some of those grand old "civilities" and "fillers."
These are things like
• "I hope you won't mind if"
• "Please excuse me"
• "The pleasure is all mine"
• "I must tear myself away now"
• "I'm so glad..."
• "It's just been wonderful seeing you again"
• "What a treat to find YOU here."
• "What an honor it's been to talk with you."
• "Semiramis Appiammo. I've heard so much about you! All of it good of course."
• "At last we meet!"
Use people's names; it's perceived as an indication of self-confidence. Smile and nod. Breathe deeply. If
you're at a loss, repeat back what the person said for clarification, but change it enough so they know you
were listening, i.e., "Did you say you were from Southern California? I missed that ... the band, you know."
9. Think it through before you walk in. Compose yourself.
You don't want to charge into a room (which you're likely to do if you're nervous) and find yourself where you
don't want to be. Enter slowly if you can, and take it all in. You can pretend to be looking for a place to put
your coat, or become fascinated with a painting on the wall. Take the temperature in the room. Notice the
[noise] level of the conversation; how the people are standing; whether they're uni-sexed or mixed groups;
how much touching is going on (Shaking hands? Hugging?) If it's business-oriented, notice if it's segregated
into management v. non-management. Whatever you observe, do the same.
10. Manage your voice and your hands if you're nervous.
Hold a glass of water and take small sips. Don't try to juggle both food and drink. For heaven's sake stay
sober! If your voice is shaky, don't say much. Occasionally wipe your hands on pocket, pants or napkin if your
palms are sweaty. Excuse yourself and go to the restroom and splash cold water on your face.
The next get-together you attend, be mindful about the conversation process. It's really quite predictable. In fact at our
family gatherings, we play a game where we write down predictions of phrases that will be said, and whenever one of
the guests says one of them, they get a prize. (Things like "wasn't the traffic awful?" and "have you finished your
Christmas shopping yet?" and "oh, he looks so much like you.")
If you have a bad experience, keep in mind that it takes two to tango. If you should end up with another
conversationally-challenged person, heaven help you, but at least you'll know it wasn't your fault!

Susan Dunn, http://www.susandunn.cc , MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach. I teach individuals to master change
and transform their lives through the power of emotional intelligence. Individual coaching, Internet courses, and
ebooks (http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html) -- a total program for your personal and professional
development. EQ matters more to your health, success and happiness than IQ, and it can be learned. I teach it. I also
train and certify EQ coaches (http://www.eqcoach.net). I am the author of "How to Live Your Life with Emotional
Intelligence," and a regular speaker on cruise lines. sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine or more information.

http://www.teach-nology.com/tutorials/teaching/conversation/
Conversation Do's and Don'ts

For many of us the thought of attending a social gathering and making small talk with strangers is a nerve-wracking
prospect. It can be extremely difficult to enter a room full of strangers and engage in a conversation. But it doesn't
have to be so hard. There are a few survival techniques that you can adopt to turn these burdensome social
occasions into networking opportunities.
Breaking the ice
The first step is arguably the greatest. Approaching someone and opening the conversation can be difficult. What
should you say? For one, you should keep the subject matter light-hearted and general. Don't dive in there with a
political question or a personal remark about their clothing. This is a high-risk approach and the receiver may think you
aggressive or just plain rude!
Staying non-controversial and non-offensive to all might seem a tall order but it really isn't. There are some easy
icebreakers that the most nervous guests would be able to mutter and which are guaranteed to get a response. Here
are some examples:
• How do you know Sarah (hostess) / James (host)? - This short question will immediately give you into a brief
background of the other person and will allow you to introduce yourself.
• What do you do for a living / Where do you live? - These general background questions will perhaps uncover
some common ground. If not, asking the other person about their lives is a sure-fire way of ensuring that a
conversation starts - people are always happy to talk about themselves!
It's all about momentum
What might be even scarier than opening a conversation is having it grind to a halt. It is therefore important to play
your part and keep the momentum of the conversation going.
Be prepared! When the other person is talking, don't get distracted and let your mind drift off. Listen to what they have
to say. It makes them feel important and it also allows you to store vital information that you can later use as
conversation ammunition.
We have already mentioned that people like to talk about themselves and this is very true. You may find that even the
shyest person at the party is happy to chat about their lives. If you ask questions, not only does it reinforce the fact
that you are listening but it will help make them feel special and comfortable.
What not to do...
Of course, some of us are confident speakers. We don't mind approaching new people and finding some common
ground for conversation. However, just as it is considered rude to sit back, with arms crossed and stay silent, it is
equally, if not more of a social crime, to be too inquisitive and too friendly. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that
you do not cross the conversational line.
There is a saying that famously suggests that sex, politics and religion are topics to be avoided at all costs in social
situations. Judge for yourself whether your party is an appropriate forum to air your views on any of these. Unless it's
a small gathering of very close friends, it is unlikely to be. Stay appropriate to the surroundings.
Asking questions is good. This we know from the previous section. Interrogation, to the point of nosiness, is however,
bad. Try not to fire questions at the other person. Some people don't want to go into great detail about their work or
their private life so take the hint if you see signs of reluctance.
If you have a clash of opinions on a subject, don't just ridicule the other person or raise your voice and argue with
them. Whether it's a dinner party, a drinks gathering or an industry-related networking event, an argument is
guaranteed to disappoint and confuse everyone else in the room. Remember, its social acceptable to have a friendly
disagreement, a near violent warring of minds is not as fun.
If, after speaking to the person(s) for a few minutes, you want to move on, don't, whatever you do, leave mid-
conversation. This is hurtful to the other party, who may think they have either offended or bored you. Bring the
conversation to a gradual end and excuse yourself to go off and mingle with the other guests. If you enjoyed speaking
to them and it's a networking event, give them your business card and suggest a future meeting. If you have
something in common, suggest chatting later on during the party. Alternatively, if you really were bored by their
conversation, be polite, say that you enjoyed meeting them and wish them well for the remainder of the party.
The rundown
Here is a quick summary of what we have talked about above. These are just a few of the key points that you should
keep in mind when attending your next party:
Do’s
• Be open - crossed arms and a scowl will not endear you to anyone. Smile, walk tall and make eye contact
with other guests.
• Listen - if you don't listen to the conversation occurring before you, you won't be able to contribute.
• Look interested - if you pay attention to what they are saying you will be more able to read their body
language. Don't roll your eyes, look at your watch or let your eyes wander mid-conversation. This is a
giveaway of distraction and very rude.
• Speak up - if the music is loud, you will have to increase your own voice volume. Equally, if you can't hear the
other person, ask them to repeat. Nothing is worse than nodding with a smile to a comment and then finding
out that it was actually a very sad statement. Getting them to speak up will avoid this faux pas.
Don’ts
• Don't be a wallflower - you may be shy or you may be tired, but resist the temptation to sit in the corner on
your own. You will get so much more out of the event if you chat to a few people and it's easier than you
would imagine.
• Don't rush - although it is very honourable to want to speak to everyone at the party, rushing all your
conversations will not be rewarding for either you or the other attendees.
• Don't interrogate - this isn't Newsnight, it's a party, so aggressive questioning will have your conversations
ending quicker than you thought possible.
• Don't drink to excess - drinking can be socially dangerous. Secrets can be confessed, insults can be dished
out and arguments can be started. Bear this in mind when you go to the bar for your fifth drink of the night.
So there you have it. Making conversation at a party should not be an ordeal. It should be fun. Keep smiling and keep
friendly and you will find that any self-conscious falls away as soon as that conversation gets going.

http://www.entertainmentexpert.co.uk/DinnerPartyConversation.html

You might also like