(Business Ebook) - How To Start Up A Small Business

HOW TO STUFF A SMALL BUSINESS 1
HOW TO STUFF UP
A SMALL BUSINESS
BY GAVIN BRYNE AND KEITH SUTTON
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to those selfless small business operators in various
countries who have (unwittingly, one imagines) contributed so much to the
book's contents. More seriously, this book is dedicated to all those small
businesspeople who try to serve the community -- to the profit of all of us.
Authors' note
Opportunities and difficulties for small business, and constraints on small
business, are almost totally ignored by our media. With this book they are
ignored no longer. The authors welcome suggestions for future editions. If you
encounter something creative in small business activities, please share it with
us. Write to:
Gavin Byrne 15A Faunce Crescent, O'Connor, ACT 2602, Australia.
Click here to email me (Repeated at end of book)
Such contributions will be gratefully acknowledged.
This is the expurgated edition. The unexpurgated edition, the one with the
firms' names in it, involves a more than slight surcharge to cover legal
expenses.
The male gender is sometimes used for simplicity. If the reader is left with the
impression that the ploys outlined reflect a typical male approach, the authors
(male) deny this with great feeling. It's all in the mind. You're probably
imagining it.

Contents
Preface
1. We, the punters (Small businesspeople)
2. Midnight oil or grease (Financial planning,
record keeping and tax)
3. The team (Staff)
4. Kite flying (Advertising)
5. The stuff they keep asking for (Stock)
6. Blinding them with science (Presentation and
layout of shop)
7. Organising the confusion (confusing
the organisation)
8. Softening up the customers (Formal
communication)
9. Making sure they stay softened up (Informal
communication)
10. Cutting them down to size (Keeping customers
in their place)
11. Those other blighters (Dealing with
competition)
12. Avoiding non-productive time (After-sales
service)
13. Advice to bureausaurs (Regulations and red
tape)
14. Epilogue

Preface
This book is a lighthearted attempt to record some of the devious schemes that
we can dream up to frustrate our best efforts to run a small business. Our
subconscious can shoot down our efforts (not necessarily in flames but
sometimes nearly as spectacularly).
The mind is remarkably powerful. It provides us with solutions to emotional
problems that otherwise would be intolerable.* However, we need to be alert to
what it is doing to us. If we aren't careful, our subconscious can frustrate
schemes into which we are putting enormous conscious effort.
We can learn also from the venerable tradition of the large bureaucracies,
private or public, which tend to acquire practices
that develop into hard and fast rules. These rules can be, and usually are,
readily applied, sometimes long after the need for them has vanished. Even the
smallest business can develop its own methods of operation which eventually
solidify into ùniversal truths'.
The authors have brought to bear on these problems their god-like objectivity
and insight. The fact that they are dealing with problems to which they do not
have to find immediate solutions possibly contributes in some small way. They
have, more often than not, been the hapless victims.
All the ploys outlined in the following chapters have happened at least once.
Could they occur in a business with which you are involved? Lucky you bought
this book!
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*Strangely enough, illness can work in the same way. See, for example, the
illuminating book Love your disease: it's keeping you healthy by Dr John
Harrison, Angus and Robertson, 1987.
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1. So, you've decided to start a small business! After years of dreaming,

plotting and planning, doing the sums over and over, asking crucial questions
like `Can we do without a second colour TV until the business gets off the
ground?' you have taken, or are about to take, the plunge.
You have a set of expectations about your business -- what it will be like to be
a business owner, an employer of people; how much money you will make,
your prospective net income; how many holidays in Hawaii you will take each
year; how much peace of mind you'll have being in control. And the status!
Write in giant letters on your bathroom mirror -- these are your expectations.
What about your customer's expectations? Ah, doesn't matter, she'll be right,
mate...after all they're only customers, what would they know?
The main idea behind the techniques outlined in this book is to ensure that
anyone who has anything to do with your business gets the minimum of what
they need for the maximum cost. Preferably, they should also be made to feel
awkward, mean or unreasonable. With a bit of thought you can achieve all of
these objectives. You can, for a moment, dispel the customers' child-like faith
in the power of reason and leave them free to fulfil your expectations. They
may depart with only the suspicion (which, unfortunately, will grow to
certainty an hour after they have left your premises) that in fact they had been
quite reasonable.
Your aim is to create doubt in the customer's mind on each of the following:

• that your staff are keen to see the customers leave satisfied;
• that your premises stock the goods the customer requires;
• that goods on offer are useful and of good quality;
• that the goods on offer are consistently, let alone reasonably, priced;
• that the customer will be able to discover the price of the goods.
For, clearly, the purpose of your small business is to
make it possible for you to live up to your
expectations,
while frustrating the expectations of your customers.

Hence, the temptation for you to view customers as
anything more than nuisances or even as possible
sources of your expected wealth is to be resisted all
the way to the bankruptcy* court. This is particularly
true in the case of customers who appear to be
voicing expectations of their own -- you know, like
courteous service and reasonable prices. Keep in
mind that your initiative in acquiring the business
entitles you to privileges, not obligations or
additional responsibility.
Remember the motto: Ìf anyone leaves this shop satisfied, they must have
swindled you and the staff probably played some part in it'.

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• Notice the derivation of this word from the original Italian -- Bankrupt =
bank broken

2. A central part of any business venture these days is called, amusingly

enough, financial planning. Remember that your business needs to have access
to annoyingly large amounts of money to cover the bureaucratic requirements
such as workers' compensation and public risk insurance.
The best solution might be for you to go into partnership with someone who
has lots of assets and you can concentrate on managing. That way:
• You can avoid using your hard-won capital from a previous venture.
• You can use your partner's financial status as a lever to get the bank to
lend you some working funds (including the cost of this book).
Be warned. Too much financial planning might lead to early profits and the
urge to sell out prematurely. Too little financial planning, however, will almost
certainly ensure that your Herculean disaster does occur.
Once you have had your `grand opening sale' you might even stave off disaster
long enough in your first year that you actually have to keep records.
A practical way to keep records is to stuff them into a large plastic garbage bag.
Additional sophistication can be achieved by keeping a separate garbage bag
for each year, with bags changing at Christmas or 30 June. To achieve the
maximum in sophistication you should write the year on the outside of each
bag. The contents of the garbage bags will be read
with great interest in the event of bankruptcy,
sale of the business or other unexpected
changes. Make sure they do not get confused
with the garbage though; these days the
Taxation Office tends to get a little cross.
Sufficient for the week are the problems of
the week. For example worry about next
week's rent next week, even if this week's rent
has been paid with a customer's advance
deposit on an item which you do not yet have
in stock.
Despite your best efforts, an accountant --
your own or someone else's -- will probably appear on the scene sooner or later.
Accountants are, like medical specialists, all knowing and have unlimited
authority (responsibility is another matter, of course). They must be kept happy
at all times; their decisions are final and must not be challenged. Their bills

should be paid promptly and without question. You may allow the accountant
to run your business for you, if you wish. At least, then he will be able to
explain to you and to the bankruptcy court what went wrong without worrying
about the views of the customers.
Life experience teaches us that
professional competence is inversely
related to professional pretensions. So
look for an accountant with a
patronising manner, illegible
handwriting, sloppiness with
appointment times and the like. In
some quarters, these are regarded as
the prerogative of the true
`professional'.
Occasionally you may come across technology-mad customers who suggest
that you could program your computer to handle their small orders. You can
deal with these individuals by explaining that you haven't time to learn
programming and that the large centralised firms are grabbing all the available
computer expertise anyway. (How else would banks and credit card
organisations be able to send out those wonderful invoices for 3 cents!)
If you are unfortunate enough for your business to have grown to the point
where you have to employ a programmer, remember that a computer
programmer in full and unfettered creative ecstasy can program a computer in
such a way that it will produce beautiful graphs, block diagrams etc. for a
possible annual report. But he can also program it to take an interminable time
to grind out the invoice needed by a waiting customer. This is particularly
effective if you are the owner of a small business which sells computers.
It is probably best to avoid admitting that computers have programmers --
always treat any inconvenience or disadvantage to the customer as an act of
God: quite beyond the reach of human solutions, and certainly not your
responsibility.
Buy stationery etc. from a source convenient to you, such as the rep down at
the local bar. You thereby maximise good will and personal efficiency. You
must also not neglect the possibility that the bar patrons at the local club may
include a future tycoon; an established business relationship may be very
profitable in the future, even if you do end up a 150 kilo alcoholic.

Purchases can be paid for with cash from the till, thus minimising paperwork
and taxation
complications. Your fellow workers
may enjoy the relaxed approach you
have to these functions, especially
when they use the same till. By the
way, tax agents are expensive. Their
knowledge, contacts in the Taxation
Office, and late filing privileges are
not to be employed lightly, even if
their fees are tax deductible.

3. Let's face it -- you can't do everything yourself; you have your status to
think about. So you may find yourself employing staff.
Your attitude to employees should demonstrate that they are one of your
business problems, the title àssistant' not being taken seriously: àssistants' are
only slightly less dangerous than the customers.
There are a number of ways of staying òne-up' on your employees -- and this,
of course must be your primary aim in dealing with employees. Don't be
available for discussion: be decisive -- you can find out what's really going on
later. Keep them guessing as to what their role is: on no account make
responsibilities clear.
Overlapping or non-relating roles tend to keep the place full of life. Use a series
of verbose and contradictory memoranda pinned on the wall to outline your
expectations and employees' changing duties. Create a high tech and
systematised atmosphere so that if staff can see a role for themselves at all, it is
clearly a marginal one and of little significance. All this is necessary for
morale.
Creative people in your business can be subdued by tantrums (you may need to
work privately with a drama coach or the local amateur theatrical society to
achieve tantrum mastery). Those creative people must never be allowed to
imagine that you are

satisfied with their efforts; they might regard this as encouragement to use their
initiative again.
You will know that you really are the boss when you have closed off all staff
options for independent thought and the staff are raising hell on a permanent
basis. As an added bonus customers' problems will fairly quickly become a
secondary consideration.
Staff should be expected to provide cars, petrol, appropriate clothing etc.
Pressure them to resign if they have difficulty with this arrangement; there are
bound to be more where they came from. Isn't that what the Commonwealth
Employment Service offices are for? A little stress stops employees from
thinking too much and after all, you're The Boss. You can't expect intelligent
cooperation from a ` '*. You always have to be wary of allowing employees to
feel too much at home.
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*Insert a term indicating nationality, sex, age, style of dress or all four if you
can think of one.
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Remember that under-age staff are always more malleable. With a little effort
some of them can be prevented from learning bad habits that would be too
helpful to customers or too threatening to the perspective of businesspeople.
Their vitality and enthusiasm will go away eventually. Counter assistants
should be constantly reminded that they have to work for the whole day and
that it will take hours for the clock to get around to knock-off time. Therefore,
the tasks of the day should be
undertaken
with dignity; available enthusiasm can
be spread evenly over the whole day.
The trivial and fussy concerns of the
customers (who are there of course to
be educated) will then appear in their
true light.
Older, experienced staff with a quite
different work background may have a
real interest in the work of your

business. Hence they may wish, and can quite often afford, to work for as little
as the under twenties, because of superannuation and taxation considerations.
There is, however, a danger that they might have some insight into your
business methods and into the customer's needs. Avoid these specimens at all
costs.
Staff should make good use of the phrase Àre you right?'. This can be
interpreted as anything from an inquiry about a person's health to an immoral
proposition. The phrase is particularly useful after the customer has explained
his needs in detail to someone else. Also, by inserting the words `for you' at
frequent intervals into the conversation,
shop assistants, even very well paid
ones, can convey the impression that
they are doing the customer a special,
personal, favour. They leave no doubt
that the customer was fortunate to
engage the attention of any of the staff
with their trivial concerns.
Staff can also use the opportunity to
convey the impression that they are
motivated by a very high moral
purpose; it would be a shame if a
customer were allowed to persist with
the idea that he was there merely for a
simple and straightforward business
transaction. The message should be clear -- you could run a superb
establishment if only you could get a better class of clientele.
Under no circumstances should employees admit to understanding
/misunderstanding a question unless the customer's pronunciation is idiomatic.
(This technique has been developed to its ultimate degree by officials of a
major European government in their dealings with people who have the
audacity to drift in across the frontier, the boundary of the civilised world.)
Your staff would unwittingly encourage the customer to think of them as
charming people if they admitted to understanding the question. Before you
know it, the customer would be occupying even more of your employees' time.
You might also convey subtly to your employees that to be behind a counter or
to wear a dustcoat or overalls confers all authority, and hence all knowledge of
what a customer imagines to be his problem. It is thus unlikely that staff will

need to listen to, or even worse make any effort to understand, the customer's
simple requirements.
Employees can be reminded that silent, cool inspection also helps to keep
customers in their place. Several staff members can look at the customer as if
he were a shoplifter. Another, more elegant version of this approach involves
two staff members
pretending that each thinks the other is going to attend to a customer. This trick
is best worked with the staff members out of sight of each other, but in sight of
the customer. A quite small re-arrangement of shop displays can achieve the
necessary stage setting for this act. Clearly, it is infinitely preferable to have the
two staff members resting rather than have both falling over each other trying
to attend to customers. A perfunctory flick of a duster over a counter is
adequate exertion for assistants.
Make sure that none of the staff know the running costs of your business; in
their innocence they will be able to avoid the need to consider such
irrelevancies as profits, an area which clearly is of concern only to you.
Be flexible about any promises made by your staff on behalf of the business.
That way you can keep staff as well as customers on their toes.
Many otherwise dull hours can be passed by leaving the business in charge of a
low-paid uninterested assistant or of an even more unenthusiastic relative,
while you retreat to a club or golf course (as befits your status). In the
meantime, decisions made by an uninterested assistant may not be to the
customer's liking, but what does that matter as long as he is courteous and
helpful to you, particularly around pay
day.
If you have employees who are
preoccupied with their appearance, keep
a large mirror in the toilet so that, for
example, a switchboard operator can
spend spare time in a productive and
satisfying way. Of course some of your
main customers may start

noticing that the switchboard operator

seems to have been missing for some
days, but you mustn't be swayed by
that into changing the fixtures in your
premises. Perhaps you could move the
switchboard into the toilet.
If you insist on worrying about staff
morale (although this is clearly
irrelevant to your longer term
interests), encourage friends and
relatives of staff to visit often even
though they may not be in the shop on business.
Allow employees to help themselves to stock as the need arises -- don't worry
about troublesome paperwork; you can think about that at taxation return time.
A final word of warning about employees. When they start earning, by
overtime etc., as much money as you would like to earn, it is probably time to
give them a grandiose title and a desk and start referring to them as `staff' rather
than àssistants'. Staff don't get overtime, of course, and they must expect to
work long hours.

4. You can treat the supply of customers as unlimited. For example, if you
apply effectively the techniques we suggest you will soon realise that all your
customers are either new customers or are unfortunates who are totally
dependent on you for a particular item. The old ones, other than those with very
thick skins, will have disappeared, no doubt looking forward to more
developments in life's rich pageant.
Thus advertising will be essential to keep up a supply of `fresh' customers.
Try increasing your prices 20 per cent and then spending an enormous amount
on an advertising campaign telling people how low your prices are. Some
people won't notice. Just you see.
Listing the business or its activities in a trade directory (such as the yellow
pages of the telephone book) probably amounts to sheer ego tripping. Try using
a trading name different from the company name, with only the company name

listed in the directory. This might provide the innocent stranger trying to find
the business using a phone book with quite a fascinating puzzle.
A large portable sign by the roadside (with an arrow) a kilometre away from
your premises, saying `We are open' will demonstrate your advertising flair;
leaving it there when you are closed will dismiss the possibility of customers
taking it too seriously (more than once, anyway).
People should know where you are in the same way that they know where the
post office is. Don't display the street number on the outside of your premises.
Moreover it is unnecessary that the name of the building or the business be
readable from the street. Don't check this, in fact. It might generate a lot of
work, putting up a sign.
Place your advertisements in the newspaper column that takes your fancy;
variety is the spice of life. Your ustomers may enjoy their efforts to find them.
Splendid examples
include advertising bassinets in the
lonely hearts column and dishwashers
under `machinery' (with the tractors
and trench diggers). In that way you
will avoid having to deal with those
people who are only half interested.
When you use an advertisement in the
`For Sale' column, you can use it to
direct attention to another
advertisement in the `Public Notices'
column. Maybe the newspaper office
staff will even put both advertisements
in on the same day. But if they appear
on different days, your business will achieve a wonderful air of mystery.
Large advertisements in the paper sometimes attract an excessive number of
phone calls on the day they are published. You can reduce this tedium by
ignoring the phone. Advertising someone else's phone number is another
possibility. Alternatively, leave the phone off the hook or tie up the line with
your own or your assistant's social arrangements. (See further suggestions
under `The team'.)
Use the word ìnstant' without inhibitions -- everyone knows that ìnstant
service' means `three weeks if you're lucky'.

One occasionally sees advertisements quoting dates (or even in the case of
television advertisements, times) already passed. Presumably this practice is a
subtle ploy of modern advertising especially for the Òne day only' sale. Why
not try it?
And don't ignore the possibilities presented by mailing lists. A customer's name
appearing on a mailing list more than once makes the customer feel `wanted'.
You can achieve this by spelling the customer's name differently each time and
it is an opportunity to show your dedication to `getting it right'. Customers are
aware that all you know about them at that stage is their names. By mispelling
their names you get maximum impact and this helps to dispel any illusions
customers may have as to their importance to you. It also adds to their junk
mail.
Junk mail is a wonderful means by which small business can attract the ire of
the community. Of course, potential customers may also get into the habit of
not reading junk mail, but you can't win 'em all. Indirectly, they will pay for
such added àttention' but few of them will
realise it. With a little
persistence, you can
cover the shrubs and
gutters of the
neighbourhood, thereby
attracting the attention
of the `blue rinse set',
and also increase the
number of trees
reduced to pulp,
thereby attracting the
attention of the greenies
as well. It is no small
achievement to
antagonise
simultaneously the blue
rinse set and the greenies.

The ordinary mail provides much scope for
maximising your efforts with minimum effect. Try to
think up as successful a scheme as the major bank

which posted to all its customers an envelope full of paper. The stuff took some
minutes to read and the message was `We will now pay interest on credit
balances in bankcard accounts'. The bank did not divulge how much interest it
was planning to pay. It apparently decided to protect its customers from such
trivialities, on the assumption that interest rates are of concern only to itself.
The key to the success of such a scheme is the time spent in a fruitless search of
that pile of paper for the missing figure. Once a customer has waded through
several pages of verbiage, he's hooked -- he's made an investment of his time
and doesn't want to waste it.
Think big in your advertising. You can advertise a truly grand sale even if some
popular items are out of stock. After all one can't carry everything. Some
customers will return in due course anyway.
When prices go up, leaving an old price ticket in the window may fool a
customer into coming into the shop. Play it cool if the customer threatens action
under the Trade Practices Act. Make it clear that you do not concede any error,
although an offer of a bribe such as a plastic torch (without batteries, of course)
might be worthwhile. This is also one of many subtle ways of advertising that
you are uncompetitive; that is, that you have other problems beside that of
getting people in to your shop.
Feminist, sexist or religious symbols in your business advertising will keep
away those annoying
ratbags, unless, of course they are the
trouble-making type who have the courage
of their convictions. They probably don't
have much money, either.
A carefully thought-out sign on a wall will
let people know where they stand right from
the start. Here is one example:

One should avoid marring advertising with minor details such as ùnavailable
at...' or ùnavailable after ...'; skip the trivialities or use asterisks and small-print
footnotes. Those potential customers who have failing sight are probably all
pensioners who can't afford your prices anyway.
Spelling errors can make an advertisement interesting. If you are not fluent in
the language, don't seek advice; do it your own way. With a little effort on their
part, customers should be able to work out what you mean.
Use all the available advertising space you pay for, even if it means using seven
different type faces. Pharmaceutical packaging and supermarket advertising set
excellent precedents. Both groups don't want you to read the fine print, you
know.
Take advantage of the total conviction that some people have that if the product
you are advertising is made far away or the brand name is new and exotic it
must be desirable. Quality is irrelevant. Alternatively, you can take the opposite
tack; make it clear in your advertising that people should buy the product
because it bears a label with the word Àustralia' on it. Nationalism first,
quality -- who cares!

5. Accept the fact that it is inevitable that you will be out of stock of at least
one popular item at any one time. Customers who appear disturbed by this are,

after all, being quite unreasonable, particularly since the price mark-up on those
high volume items tends to be so small.
It is some consolation to realise that if you are frequently out of stock of
something, people will eventually stop asking for it.
You will then be able to produce concrete evidence for the fact that `there is no
demand for it' and another problem will have been solved. Trade meetings can
then be used to convince other retailers of the fact. Eventually the wholesalers
and manufacturers will reach the same conclusion and customers will be able to
do their shopping interstate, Hong Kong or Rome. Perhaps a previous owner of
your business has already done this for you?
Deal only with economical wholesalers. It may be that those same wholesalers
have a limited range of items and poor delivery schedules and are unreliable in
their supply or billing, but no matter -- at least they're cheap. The wholesalers
will also provide you someone to blame them if you unwittingly find yourself
entertaining customer complaints. Be loyal to your wholesaler, even if he is
slowly reducing his range of goods in his search for maximum profit and
minimum effort.
Tell small manufacturers or retailers not to bother you with their small orders
but to wait and come back when they are bigger. They will remember this if
and when they do get bigger. Note that you can achieve the same result by
pricing small quantities at prohibitive levels.
Ùse by' dates create some new options in stock handling. If all else fails you
can smudge the ùse by' date and offload the stuff on either the customer or the
wholesaler.
Never remainder anything. If you bought forty copies of the street directory in
1980, stick with them even if you still have thirty-eight of them in 1990. Pay
for storage instead. There is another possibility: if 5 per cent of the stock
disappears each week via staff or light-fingered customers, there will not be
much stock left after six months. This is called èxponential decay' and may be
the answer to the problem of slow moving stock. Try it on an insurance
company and see what happens.
Keep the range of stock lines simple; other people may be making a fortune out
of a line that you haven't got around to ordering, but you have to be strong
minded about this sort of thing. You will have enough problems with the lines
you are carrying, particularly if these include buggy whips etc.

You can also make a customer's attempt to buy something from you exciting
and interesting by keeping a different range of goods at different outlets. Don't
make any commitments to the public as to what is held where in case some
unreasonable person gets cross.
Postpone the time at which the customer has to realise that your business is
unable to help him at the moment; you might feel lonely and neglected after he
goes. You might consider, reluctantly, suggesting that `Joe probably has some'.
(Joe is on the other side of town -- if the customer discovers that Joe doesn't
have the item he will remember you for some time.)
Customers expressing an interest in a particular type or colour of large ticket
items will obviously have to be content with what you happen to have in stock.
You mustn't pander to them. All customers need assistance in making up their
minds. There are three possible outcomes:
• You sell what you have in stock and make the profit you so clearly have
earned.
• You keep what you have in stock, obtain what the customer says he
wants, sell it to him and keep the profit on that. Then you still have to
find a customer for your stock items.
• You insist on the customer accepting the stock item, with the very good
possibility that you sell nothing and make no profit, but score another
victory in the customer war.
The way to go is obvious and irresistible!
Customers need education as to when they should make their purchases. For
example, it is absurd to expect to buy calendars or diaries other than in
December or January. Well...it's only reasonable, isn't it?
The idea of making arrangements for
overnight supplies of spares or stock
must be approached with caution. It
may involve you in some negotiation
with interstate suppliers, manufacturers
or even, heaven forbid, banks.*

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∗ The small business owner can learn a lot about customer relations from
his bank. Do not overlook the remarkable facility banks have for keeping
their customers off balance. They appear to have no problem in devising
procedures which cause a maximum of inconvenience and wasted time,
thus annoying the whole country. Maybe it is possible to get good
service from a bank, but marrying a director or starting your own bank is
usually not a practical proposition. Encouragement to bank staff such as
a bribe or use of a sawn-off shot gun is unhelpful, as you won't be able to
get near the `planners' who cause the problems.
They are probably in the top floor of a
large and costly building in the middle
of a big city.
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Some readers who are in the habit of
keeping their money in old socks may
feel that we are being a bit rough on
banks. On the contrary, we have
accumulated enough material to write
another book on that subject alone.
We're being bribed to shut up.
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6. On display shelves, it is often convenient to mix similar-looking items, such

as metric and US threads on bolts and screws. This will draw customers into
the shop more often -- they will have unusable items they need to return. You
can resist requests to refund the cash and, with a belligerent but businesslike
air, insist on an alternative purchase or even a credit slip. Cash would allow the
customer to fill his needs elsewhere.
Interest can be added to the shopper's day by making it as difficult as possible
to discover the price of an article. Use stickers of different shapes and colours
and put them in different places. Another suggestion is to use a single sticker
on twin packs; if the packet is split, prices can then appear to increase by 100%.
Exciting, isn't it?
Don't forget to omit prices occasionally; a considerable amount of work can be
saved in this way. This technique is popular with stores which use bar code
readers as the staff then have no need for price information and are hence in a
permanent state of ignorance.

Omitting prices also allows you to provide two assistants with slightly different
price lists so that they charge slightly different prices for the same item. This
gives you the opportunity to study buying habits such as whether the item sells
better at the higher or the lower price. You may not have to organise this; it
seems to be standard practice in a lot of businesses, such as hotel and club bars,
anyway. If the price difference is significant, you could try suggesting to a
complaining customer that the higher priced article is of superior quality, a later
model or fresher. Don't rush into the latter ploy without thought: it may be
necessary at some stage in the proceedings to prove your claim. Fortunately
there are people in this world who will go away happier having paid the higher
price. Try marking ostensibly identical goods at two different prices and always
charge the higher of the two. This is particularly useful in supermarkets and
will drive customers crazy. It is also a way of making those customers who
insist on their right to buy at the lowest marked price seem particularly mean.
You can always try telling them that you may be selling the item at the lower
price at some other,
unspecified, time, like the flashing red light specials in department stores.
Tracking down missing prices can also become a big part of the hardworking
businessperson's day. It is an excellent opportunity to develop one's strength of
character by keeping a queue of customers waiting for this ritual to be brought
to its triumphant conclusion. When customers start discussing their delay
problems and look like forming a union of some sort to negotiate with you it is
probably time to get a move on. Enough is enough.
Customers who ask to purchase a particular weight of a product because of a
tight budget or the need to follow a recipe accurately, are probably quibbling
about correct weight just to annoy you. The time for you to argue about 10
cents worth is when your best customer or your most temperamental customer
is waiting.
Make sure there is always plenty of waste material around the place. It gives
the impression that all the stock is offcuts and will make the customer feel he is
paying full price for waste material.
Cram all the stock on to the shop floor; never
use supplementary storage such as your
garage. If customers have to climb over
things, it will sort out the people who really
want to buy from you.

Waste material, packing cartons, coffee mugs with a solidified residue and half-
eaten sandwiches lying around add atmosphere and are essential for the image
of the establishment.
7. Changing business names and shop layouts provides endless opportunities

for self-expression and creativity. If you cannot do it yourself you can employ
consultants. Such places as supermarkets and hardware stores, particularly, can
keep people

continuously impressed and

bewildered by the freshness and vigour
of their administration. Eventually the
public will spend as much time trying
to work out the changes as they will
looking for the item they want to buy.
It is all part of the process of educating
the public to understand that the world
is now, as sociologists have it,
`turbulent'.
A lot of money can be paid for
computerised stock-holding and re-
ordering systems but they are
susceptible to damage by lightning, earthquakes, falling satellites etc. and thus
probably not a good idea. A really practical arrangement is to rely on customers
to highlight the fact that you are out of stock of something simply by their
coming in and asking for it. You don't have to worry about it till then.
Preferably that inquiry should be made to an assistant
with whom you seldom communicate. Never offer to tell the customer when
the required stock does arrive, no matter how big the potential order.
Eventually the point will be established that you do not stock the item and there
will be no further problem. You must keep your mind clear for bigger decisions
more appropriate to your status as a business owner.
Under no circumstances respond to a stock request by committing yourself to
re-ordering the missing item. Clearly, education of customers is a major part of
your undertaking. It's a pity that those blighters down the road -- your
competitors -- can't see this.
When small computers, stock recording systems and so on loom very large on
the horizon -- your competitors may have been using something of the sort for
several years -- it may be time to either call in a $100-an-hour consultant with
several university degrees or buy a personal computer and some public domain
software and consult the nearest small boy. The latter approach has its hazards
such as interruptions involving space invaders, simulations of races between
Ferrari sports cars and raids on the fridge. There is a very real possibility that
you will find all this so much fun that you will give up entirely the idea of
running a small business, which might save you a lot of problems.

Supermarkets
Have you ever noticed how well
planned some supermarkets are? The
predicament of someone who wants to
leave a supermarket through the row of
cash registers without buying
something has a lot in common with
that of a lobster trying to leave a
lobster pot. If the customer's plan was
merely to check prices and to leave
without buying anything then, of
course, he deserves everything he gets.
Moreover, by changing the place at
which empty trolleys are kept, on Saturdays and Sundays, say, the supermarket
proprietor can embarass many customers quite simply. The customer passes
into the display area only to find that trolleys are not where he expected them to
be. A lot of harmless amusement can be had watching him trying to fetch a
trolley from the street.
In a supermarket, kitchen utensils can be hung at various locations in the aisles.
Don't even think about grouping the items. Knives and forks, for instance,
should be placed at a minimum of two aisles apart. Spoons must be placed at
the check out, forcing the customer to barge through queues of waiting
customers.
Of course practically all the people in your store are regular and totally loyal
customers who know the place intimately and who would not dream of
shopping anywhere else.
Encouraging impulse purchases is trendy marketing these days
and supermarkets are just the place to try it out on unsuspecting customers.
Although it is not clear yet what the long-term effects of this will be, some
people have a garage full of the stuff before they have a garage sale or donate it
to a church fete. *
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
*Perceptive readers will note that the stuff can be then ìmpulse bought' again
by someone else.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
8. Telephone numbers quoted in circulars or newsletters tend to get out of date;

it is true that your failure to rectify the problem will run up a customer's phone
bill and annoy miscellaneous people who aren't involved with you or your
customer. Then again, you can't check everything.
When a customer does catch you on the phone and you can't respond to an
inquiry immediately, make sure you keep him waiting until you have finished

your coffee and biscuit (great with STD or ISD calls). This will ensure
maximum irritation to the caller and a reasonable assumption that he will not
deal with your business again. As background entertainment while he is
waiting, you could encourage staff members to discuss rather intimate details of
their last weekend's activities. Too much of this sort of activity may, of course,
eventually attract the interest of the vice squad. Telephone queuing systems,
background music or recorded messages can also be used to obscure
inattention.
If you have many telephone extensions or would like to convey that impression
to the caller, try to transfer the call to another carefully selected extension. It is
particularly important to select one which you know to be unattended.
When someone rings to inquire about a lack of response from a staff member
on another number, just tell the caller `he's at a meeting'. Don't reveal that his
room and telephone number have changed. Make sure that whoever calls is
never given a direct dial number; it helps to keep customers' phone bills high.
Try to be difficult to contact by varying your telephone habits, because if you
are easy to reach customers may come to believe that you are there to help
them.
Answering machines can be ignored occasionally and you can wave your arms
in the air when explaining any resultant difficulty experienced by the customer.
What about: Ì'm just hopeless with that sort of thing'.
Customers should be contacted when the mood takes you, even if it happens to
be children's meal time. Convey the idea initially that you represent a charity --
some people have blacklists of people who make unsolicited phone calls.
Never use courtesy titles such as Mr, Mrs or Miss when you are talking to
strangers, particularly the more senior ones. You might consider addressing
females as `dear', `darling' or `love'; judicious use of `comrade' and frequent
use of `mate' are preferred options.
Assume that local phone calls, particularly those made using other people's
telephones, whether by you or by the customer, don't cost anything. Arrange
events so that repeat calls have to be made by the customer. Always pick up a
ringing phone even when the caller is likely to ask for someone else; picking up
the phone costs the caller a meter registration.
Keep the phone line tied up; keep customers `cued'. Only when the position
becomes totally unmanageable should the small business owner get more
outside lines.

Make sure that your 008 number is tied up for the maximum time possible; it
does wonders for the phone bill and reduces the flood of inquiries to a
manageable trickle.
Try to avoid using telephone economy rates, Surface Lifted Airmail, Priority
Paid, etc. This will almost certainly ensure that administrative costs stay high,
negotiations stretch over the longest possible time and maximum customer
ìmpact' is achieved.
In your letters and phone calls, try to use as many buzz words and phrases as
possible. Here are some `golden oldies':
• `You get as good as you pay for.' (There are apparently still people
around who believe that price, production cost and quality are related in
some way.)
• `The cheque is in the mail.'
o Ì'll attend to that right away.'
• `Guaranteed' (by whom?); guarantees
depend, of course, on the ability of
the customer to show that an
indecipherable receipt is a receipt for
the goods in question. Your position
is impregnable.
o `First to see
will buy.'
• `This item has a special discount.' (Your efforts to make that one appear
`sincere' must not be too apparent.)
o Ìt seemed
like a good
idea at the
time' (the
flasher's
excuse).
• `No worries' (with emphasis on each word).
• `She'll be right'.

• Mark everything, no matter how trivial, ùrgent'. Even better, ask the
customer to `ring me urgently'
9. Operating rules are essential components of any operating system. Since

customers generally don't understand the rules, this lack of knowledge will help
to keep them in their place. Any request by a customer that requires expedition
or even an element of basic planning should be characterised as a `rush job'. It
implies that you don't accept responsibility for any shortcomings in the result.

Ask for a phone number and, perhaps, address and references, in response to
any inquiry or purchase, however trivial. There is an outside chance that they
may be useful to you. People just love having their personal details on various
unspecified lists, for unspecified use by unspecified third parties. If you do
have a good reason for asking for this information, for goodness sake don't
explain why.
Avoid telling a customer how long he should expect to wait. If you are going to
delay someone it adds drama, for instance, if he has a car parked on short-term
parking or on an expired meter. You may even get an opportunity to make it
clear that the customer is being unreasonable if he suggests that you hurry.
Make sure your delivery vehicle is noisy. This is especially important if you are
delivering milk or newspapers. As with local garbage trucks, it also helps if
night deliveries are made in vehicles with noisy brakes. Throw newspapers into
garden beds, hedges or swimming pools and place milk bottles or cartons in the
sun (on the curb, of course). Make deliveries at times convenient to you --
especially if these are outside the times requested.
When you visit unoccupied premises, leave a calling card showing an illegible
phone number or the pencilled name of a staff member who is about to retire or
to go on three weeks' holiday.
You can either ignore people who walk in and out of your shop or premises
without speaking to anyone or you can make it very clear that visitors had
better have a very good reason before they enter the premises. Probably the best
solution is to treat them like joggers or other people gripped by strange,
irrational compulsions; it may be that they do not feel free to make their
requirements known but what do you care?
Never smile. A sinister grin, however, can divert a customer from his purpose
and leave him or her pondering on your reaction for the rest of the day.
Make sure you employ an absent-minded switchboard operator, one who would
never connect a caller who asks for `Bob' to a person called `Robert'. Never
ring your office anonymously; that is a sneaky way to find out how strangers
are treated when they try to make their needs known. When things get too
difficult on the phone:
• pretend to be cut off -- hit an oil drum with a brick and put the phone
down;
• pretend to be a recorded message

• pretend to have a crossed line;

Restaurants etc.
Restaurants are marvellous places for fun and games. When attending to
someone in a restaurant smile excessively and touch frequently. If the customer
wants to argue, well then, argue. Insist that everyone at the table eats at your
convenience, not theirs. Parties which can be arranged into a group must be
induced to sit together even if it does involve a table for forty-five. Naturally,
the customers must be content with a common bill. Resist all requests for
separate bills.
Technological change is producing some interesting situations. For instance,
you need to treat incoming phone callers in your restaurant who ask `what's
your service like?' with extreme caution. Mobile telephones are now quite
common and the caller may be sitting at a table in your restaurant 3 metres
from you.
In a disco, maximise consumption by seeing that staff remove quarter-full
glasses when customers are dancing. Amplifiers are primarily for drowning
conversation, no matter what customers might assert to the contrary. If they
want intimate and/or intelligible conversation they can go to a park.
In a snack bar, keep customers waiting
for as long as possible. This gives them
the opportunity to work out for
themselves whether or not table service
is provided and whether they can bring
their own wine. Uniformed staff
clearing tables can make the situation
even more obscure. Perhaps offer a
different service on different days of
the week in such a way that customers
are never quite sure what exactly you
are offering. An appropriate notice
would ruin the decor, perhaps, and
would involve commitment to a
particular course of action. Before they can hassle a staff member or the
proprietor they have first to find them. If customers start to walk out, don't
attract trouble by asking why.

You may be able to arrange for a staff

member to appear and present a large
bill for a bread roll or yell at the
departing diners: `Your meal is ready'.
If the customers then return, delay
attending to them just long enough to
avoid the possibility that the food is
overheated. Studies have shown that
ten minutes after eating quite a small
quantity of food, appetite disappears.

10. When stuff-ups occur, always leave the customer with the impression that
you will gracefully accept his apology for the problem, no matter what it was
(or who in your establishment was responsible). Many firms have this
technique down to a fine art.
Encourage your assistants to notice when there are long queues of customers so
that they can chose those times to shuffle bank notes so that the notes all face
the same way; there's a sort of geometric progression to this habit and
customers love to watch. The other form of entertainment to be mentioned here
is the replacement of cash register tapes, but you don't have to organise this for
a particularly busy period -- that seems to happen naturally.
Never worry about having the right change. You should be able to expect the
customer to have it; after all, he caused the problem by buying something.
Spend as much time as you can advising the least valuable customer. To any
request for information, always reply `what do you want to know about it?'
Very few customers have the audacity to reply èverything'. Quite often this is
what they do want. However, even though the customer may be quite literate
technically, he can still have difficulty in asking a question if he does not know
any relevant jargon. Always give any information about a product in jargon;
never give definitions of terms in layman's language.
Make sure no customer enters the premises between 4.50 and 5.00 p.m.
Similarly, lunch times are for you and your staff and are a small part of the day
anyway. They may be the only time that customers can get to your premises but
that is the customer's problem, not yours. If several of your staff have pressing
engagements at lunch time on the same day, why not just close the shop?
If you want to keep customers in their place, a splendid way is to have someone
emerge from the back of the shop eating a sandwich. Another infallible way of
disconcerting a customer is to have a staff member say something like `How
are you, sport?' and then walk out of the shop.
Astrology can be relied on to frustrate or insult a customer. For example, a
particularly hideous colour selection should elicit the comment: Ì just know
you're a Gemini' When you are demonstrating new equipment, always ignore at
least one of the pieces of advice given in large print by the manufacturer. The
customer then has to make a choice between believing that you, the
manufacturer, or both are working under Divine Inspiration.
If terms of trade change against you -- for example if there is a rise in
wholesale prices -- don't tell your customers. Just allow your service to
deteriorate.

Never do anything for nothing,

particularly for the aged, infirm or
pregnant.
Your staff should be taught always to

ridicule or patronise children, preferably
with their parents in earshot, no matter
how courteous or well behaved they are.
You can bet they're probably up to
something. Do not be mercenary; ignore the fact that children may grow up to
be well-heeled customers.
It is clearly preferable to keep the traffic of satisfied, small-transaction
customers coming into the shop to a minimum, notwithstanding the profit
expectations from a larger number. The additional wear on the floorcoverings is
just not worth the risk and more cleaning bills might spoil your whole day.
When a customer asks for a small quantity, reply `How much is a small
quantity?' He probably does not know the quantities the particular goods come
in and will therefore find the question unanswerable.
Try to sell items in fixed quantities so that the customer has to buy something
like 30 per cent more than he needs. If the typical application requires two or
four, supply them in threes only. Battery vendors are good at this; learn from
them.
Offer to do a special deal for close friends and make sure that they get landed
with something they could have bought cheaper from a stranger. Leave them
with the suspicion but not the certainty that you know perfectly well what you
have done.
If anyone asks the price of anything, always answer with a flat statement of the
highest price in the range -- that should make it clear that nothing is simple
these days and you are well up with contemporary trends.
Respond to any inquiry with a
reference to the price; it conveys the
impression that the customer looks as
if he can't afford it.
Remember: always sell in wholesale
quantities and charge retail prices (at

least) -- none of this wrapping or packing small quantities nonsense.

Customer requirements are always similar no matter what they may think to the
contrary. Don't express any interest whatsoever in a particular customer's
problem; if you do, you may create the most undesirable impression that you
care.
You can usually sell something to a customer that was not asked for and was
not needed. Your guide in this should be Ronnie Barker (Arkwright of Òpen
all hours' TV fame). It is amazing how many people think this program is a
comedy rather a staff training film.
Always assume that a female needs the advice or permission of a male before
she can act. This is a surefire way to upset at least 50 per cent of your potential
customers and make it odds-on that your business will not survive the year.
If there is more than one door, greet lost strangers with the bright comment
`You came in the wrong door'. That comment is almost always
incomprehensible and irrefutable.
If a job (for example dry cleaning) was to be ready at 4.00 p.m. have an
assistant say, brightly, at 4.25: Ì think you're here too soon'. Customers always
have plenty of time -- they won't be concerned when their clothes are ready.
The only real constraint is your own convenience.
Maximise the delay between receipt of cash and delivery of the serviceable
product.
Finally, as a general principle*, complain about:
the people of this town
the people of some other town
or
the country
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
* See also Hints for the exporter
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------

T here is an outside chance that by whingeing about someone else you might
lead the customer, in a moment of confusion, to re-enter your premises one day.
If you feel that after all the above you still are without the level of meaningful
interface that you need with the public you should consider becoming a taxi
driver. The opportunities open to that profession appear to be limitless. When
you are driving a taxi, take a friend along for a ride. It can get quite lonely
when you are with strangers all day. With a little thought you can produce all
sorts of interesting scenes with which to confront the public. For example, if
your friend can produce a sinister grin, customers will feel they might be
entering a Mafia staff car. Never explain the presence of the extra person. The
passenger is unlikely to summon up the courage to insist on his right to the use
of an unencumbered taxi.
You can also pretend to be stoned,
drunk or in the last stages of senile
decay. This will give your passenger a
real thrill. Passengers picked up from
the customs and immigration exit of an
international airport are likely to be in
a very pliable, cooperative state,
having had little sleep for several days.
They will love to hear how
uneconomic it is for a taxi to take
people the short distance to the
domestic terminal.
Regale them with stories of how the
taxi business is being ruined by
foreigners. They will have heard the
same story in other countries, but it
goes down particularly well in
Australia where all the white
population is within a few generations
of being an immigrant anyway.

11. Never be the first retailer to reduce the price on high volume lines. This
reprehensible practice can erode consumer confidence, lead to tiresome bulk
buying schemes and other complicated involvements with strangers. It can also
attract the worst kind of customers. Customers must be very carefully selected
and bulk buying is the province of the big chains.
For your own record keeping it is, as a general rule, probably better not to be
overheard publicly referring to òrderly marketing'. These two words are a clear
signal to many cynical members of the public that they are about to be
`screwed' by a cartel or a combine of some sort. And you don't want to give the
game away, do you?
Gift wrapping your customer's purchase obviously involves fancy paper, ribbon
and all sorts of complications. Don't mention it and probably nobody else will.
If your competitors prove that gift wrapping is popular, charge enough to
discourage people asking for it a second time. Otherwise you might end up
giving your business a reputation for being pushy, or, even worse, a pushover.

Packaging should be adequate for the customer to get the goods home in
reasonable condition; thereafter little old ladies with gardening gloves and an
electric bread knife should be able to get the packaging undone. (A chainsaw
would be overdoing it and, in any case, few little old ladies have chainsaws).
Ignore the growing number of people who live alone and who protest that they
end up throwing out a large part of the prepackaged perishibles that they are
forced to buy. What nuisances! Only a few will find a retailer who will package
in small quantities.
Providing `feedback' postcards for your customers to return to you would be
asking for trouble. Who wants to know, anyway? The fact that your
competitors check on their customers' opinions is their problem; you only have
to see their increasing sales figures to know that.
Newfangled technology is another hazard. For example, facsimile machines
might involve you in reading an instruction manual.
If you decide to take the plunge and accept credit cards, make it clear that only
the best will do. Accept only the more exotic cards as befits your prestige -- it
will help to keep your card fees to a minimum. Under no circumstances accept
a card that ordinary people are likely to be carrying, such as Bankcard or Visa.
Personal cheques, even from your brother, your mother-in-law/ father-in-law,
the archbishop or Mr Big could be the thin end of the wedge. A `cash only'
policy may promote your competitors' business but you will be secure in the
conviction that you have adhered to `policy'. (`Policy' is the methodology by
which all activity can be stifled. It includes the working rules that have been
adopted over the years to meet particular,
and perhaps forgotten, situations.
The study of the nature of policy can be
conveniently left for the more leisurely
retirement years.)
If you cannot control the urge to allow
credit, make sure that the credit is for no
more than seven days. Remember that it
is standard business practice these days
to ignore customers' credit records; it is
more macho to assume that you will
outwit them, no matter what their record
is. Send reminders, if not the original

bill, to customers each week with a rubber stamp stating in red `PAST DUE'
(adding the phrase `you shiftless fly-by-night' might be overdoing it).
Hints for the exporter
Firstly, goods should be shipped to a port of entry convenient to you; smaller
ports nearer to the customer will be unable to provide the services you are used
to and may even involve you with people who do not speak English. It is the
customer who has the time and incentive to arrange customs clearance and
transport in his or her local area. (Never use an atlas).
Phone calls during Australian working hours are always appropriate: customers
cannot expect to sleep during the night and do business with you. Economy
rates can be ignored; overheads are a fact of life and are tax deductible anyway.
The Federal Treasury largely pays for this, not you. If you must make
international calls, practise the technique of calling your customer, then claim
you have an emergency and ask him to ring back in five minutes. That way, the
customer pays for the expensive calls, not you.
When your customer rings back, insist on speaking English. If he doesn't
understand you, just speak louder. You can relieve your feelings by muttering
softly `Speak Australian, you ignorant twit'. Then wait quietly for results.
Australian trade missions, consulates and embassies overseas are infested with
bureaucrats. Though they
may claim to have something to offer in
the way of international experience,
languages and so on, they should either
be avoided or made totally responsible
for any stuff-ups you have overseas.
Your competitors know that cooperation
with government departments is just not
possible. Austrade and Australian trade
missions overseas are a socialist plot,
started by previous conservative
governments in the course of some
extraordinary political aberration.
Don't ship goods until the cash is in your
own currency in your local bank; export guarantors such as the Export Finance
and Insurance Group, letters of credit etc. are, like the Taxation Office, all part
of the conspiracy by competitors to reduce your profits.

Competition, differing voltages for electrical goods, international or national

standards or cultural practices are complications that can be dealt with later
after those peculiar ethnics in Dubai, Manchester or Rangoon have given some
practical proof that they are prepared to pay in advance for what you have to
sell; on the second or third order, perhaps.
Always respond to any customer's confusion or complaint with an air of `bored'
(sophisticated) calm. Anything else may expose your own shortcomings and
provide an opportunity for further demands from the customer. Reports of more
helpful attitudes in competitive establishments can be ignored; for the moment,
anyway.
Keep a list of people/organisations to blame and appropriate excuses readily
available at all times. Some handy, and hardy, ones are:
• Telecom
• the trucking company
• an absent employee
• the Taxation Office
(Always complain
about taxation; if you
devote enough time to
minimising tax the
business will soon
cease to take up much of
your time. Only profits
generate tax bills.)
o strikes/unions
o government rules and regulations (red tape)
• Australia Post. (Although Australia Post is among the better national
mail services of the world, it is still possible to use it to stuff up your
business by consistently ignoring Australia Post mail closing times. Used
repeatedly, this practice educates customers to accept this excuse readily.
After all, it happens every time you post something! Possibly Australia
Post did not consult you or your timetable when it set up its mail box
clearance times, but this is so typical of government authorities isn't it?)

• If all else fails, take refuge in patriotism (or healthy local chauvinism), a
relatively rare experience for the consumer these days).
12. Customers have an annoying habit of ringing you after they have bought a
product or service. Make sure that whoever answers the phone gives his name
in full no matter how irrelevent this piece of information is -- this practice will
probably divert the caller's attention for a moment; he may forget what he is
ringing to complain about. If he doesn't the next step is to hear the complaint or
enquiry and to respond with a clear and simple expression of what you
can do for him. Then do something different! At least you've heard him out --
what more can he want?

The line Ì'll get him to ring back' can be the solution to a number of day-to-day
complaints. By allowing several days to elapse, you give the customer an
opportunity to cool off and see his difficulties in a clearer light. Maybe he'll
discover how to fix the problem. All By Himself.
Rest assured, if the problem is important and urgent enough, the customer will
finally make this clear to you, one way or another. It may be a good idea,
however, to change your approach if the customer starts screaming. People can
be extraordinarily touchy.
Leave out an essential element in all
written quotes. You can then blame the
customer for any delay, because he has
wasted time trying to find out what
your quote really is.
Make your initial service fee high -- it
discourages people from even talking
to you.
Scheduling home service work can be
quite difficult and may even involve,
in extreme cases, your keeping in touch with the customer by phone. However,
this can usually be avoided by prevailing on customers to keep themselves
available at home for extended periods thus providing you with a great deal of
flexibility as to when it will be convenient for you to fit the job in. You may
also accommodate extra and chargeable trips to fetch parts that you don't
happen to have with you. It would be unfortunate, too, if customers came to
rely on such things as àgreed' times. Here, too, you obviously are entitled to
some flexibility even though the customer may have taken time off work to
meet you.
If the customer gets difficult about all this suggest that he leave his door
unlocked so that you can get in any time you wish. Of course his insurance
company may object, and perhaps the police may not approve, but that's not
your problem, surely.
Find ways to emulate the gas heater installer who made a big business during
his service calls of adjusting gas pressure, burning rate etc. He overlooked the
fact that the thermostat fitted was the type effective only in a gas oven (that is,
over 300 degrees Centigrade). What panache! It can take a trusting customer
years to get to the bottom of that sort of thing.

Don't encourage customers to bring items in for service -- it is much more

lucrative to make service calls at exhorbitant rates. You may encounter
difficulty if you have lots of service calls to make -- you may even have to
contemplate hiring additional service staff! It may be that the answer is to use
various subterfuges to keep the business small enough so that you do all the
service work yourself. Here this book can help you. Keeping the place small
will avoid the need to keep qualified service people available. Proprietors, as
apostles of private enterprise, will never be questioned as to their qualifications.
Keep the size of the bill for a service call from the customer until the latest
possible moment. Some servicemen like to begin writing out the account the
moment they arrive but keep in mind the possibility of running up a large bill
before the householder realises that you are a serviceman. You might explore
the possibilities of encouraging the local technical college to run courses in
creative bill writing and plausible overtime charging.
The last thing you want is for customers to start believing that you regard their
problems as anything more than an invitation to help yourself to some of their
money.
Use the customer's phone to check something (anything) with your office: it
adds to their phone bill, not yours. Two-way radios, CBs etc. are obviously
adolescents' toys unworthy of even cursory investigation.
If the item that you sold originally has turned out to be, in fact, junk, never
admit it. Remember that the abiding need is to make the customers feel that it is
all their fault: quite reasonable when you remember that they created the
problem by buying the item in the first place. Dismiss out of hand any
possibility of there being a guarantee involved with any item you supply or
repair.
Attempts by customers to rectify their own problems (particularly likely after
several episodes
like the gas
heater/oven
experience) must
be nipped
in the bud. Replace

anything that looks
as if it has been in
the shadow of a

spanner. Outraged dignity, accompanied by threats of action by unions,

management and the local electricity authority (if not the Australian Medical
Association) is the only possible response. One tap with a spanner is the way to
check equipment; if nothing falls off it's OK. Of course, service manuals should
never be in the hands of the consumer; you never know where that would end.
Never discuss the problem with the customer, particularly if he or she is the
sinister type who shows some signs of understanding what is going on.
If you have a taste for high drama, after-sales `service' provides all sorts of
opportunities for interaction with the community. For example:
• Have you ever left people without an operational washing machine for a
week, particularly if they have small children? They are sure to tell all
their friends about it and about you. (Keeping a spare second hand
machine available for people in trouble is much too costly.)
• Have you ever painted a lavatory floor in a house with small children,
using a `quick drying' paint that took forty-eight hours to dry?
• Have you ever watched the expression on the face of a householder
when a serviceman installing a heater cut a hole in his floor with a
chainsaw?
• Have you ever amazed a customer who discovered that the new part in
the steering of his car had been made to fit using a piece cut out of a jam
tin?
A final word about after-sales service. An after hours phone number,
particularly if it's your private number, is a no-no. You never know who might
use it, or when. It may even be someone with a real problem which they expect
you to fix.

13. When difficulties in stuffing up small business prove to be really

insurmountable for the individual or partnership, do not despair -- the
bureaucracy is there to help. There is a diversity of government departments
and other centralised bureaucracies involved -- financial institutions,
administrators of shopping malls etc. -- all with an intense, if not active, interest
in small business. It is appropriate now that we address the bureausaurs in the
unlikely event that they overlook one or two possibilities and hence fail to play
their role in the country's economy.
One of the best and simplest ways to assist small businesspeople to go wrong is
to present them with a myriad of forms to fill in. The forms may be both
obscure and irrelevant to any apparent purpose, but purport to be necessary to
fulfil the myriad regulations pertaining to small business.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
*We must thank Professor Barry Ninham of the Australian National University
who found this very useful word.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------

One of the joys of bureaucracy is that it can appear to be coming from all
directions ; for example reports have it that to open a milk bar in one State
requires fourteen different licences. Some possibilities (statistics on all of
which might be needed sometime) are: building standards, health regulations,
salaries, income tax, leave/ long service leave, flextime, company law,
superannuation, operating licences, unions, operating hours...
All forms must be filled in by a certain date, a different date for each one. Each
form should ask for information not normally available on the date the form
must be filled in by, such as wholesale purchases for the following month.
And of course changing the regulations fairly frequently will ensure that the
businesspeople fill in the wrong forms. That way there will be plenty of jobs in
your organisation and the small businessperson won't have time for such
irrelevancies as customers, stock and sales.
You should start your career with some training in `management science',
which provides a view of the world that makes decisions easy. Assume that the
world runs on greed and greed only; ignore those red herrings that make life
complicated (some say worthwhile). You will quickly develop ideas of
authority and diffuse accountability and if you change the rules fairly often,
there will be plenty of jobs for everyone. With a little patience you can build up
the paperwork into a major factor for small business which will provide you
with an occupation and frequent promotion for the rest of your working life.
And you always have the response to complainers: Ìf you are in business, you
should know the regulations; it's not our job to teach you or to pay fines for
overlooking our requirements.' You effectively have quite a free hand with this
sort of creative control.
You know you have been successful when the public institutions with which
you've been involved get privatised and the private institutions go bankrupt.
Of course, as the media and politicians have grasped long ago, the only
entrepreneurs in the country whom you do need to take seriously are the
relatively small group characterised by our national financiers. Experience has
shown that if these people experience difficulty with their day-to-day trading
operations, then you do have a serious problem. After all this competition
business can be overdone and we need the sharks of the business world to buy
out the entrepreneurs who keep coming up with new and disturbing ideas or
who merely do jobs that need doing. Competition can get very messy for
bureausaurs and make regulation a very difficult business requiring lots of hard
work, deep thought and some knowledge of what happened before you even

learned to read and write. Big is beautiful; big can usually find a way to keep
the media quiet, too.
Of course, you and the politicians do not appear to have much to fear from
investigative journalism, except for the possibility of small business producing
an articulate spokesperson with time to spare. And if you do your job properly
that's not likely, is it!
14. Most people who have outmanoeuvred their subconscious and are now
running thriving businesses mention persistence as the secret of their success.
Solving these problems, or working one's way through them, is the same kind
of undertaking as moving mountains. It takes a lot of faith.
Diligent readers will be able to find many books, serious and `not so serious' on
the operations of small business. The Managing the small business series,
published by the Australian Government Publishing Service and available from
Commonwealth Government Bookshops, has many titles to assist the small
business entrepreneur.
We are not in the business of making moral judgments; we are trying to
describe how it often looks to the customer. Our effort is a constructive one,
despite any superficial appearances to the contrary. Solutions to the difficulties
presented are usually fairly obvious.

The authors are well aware that there is another book to be written about the
ways customers can frustrate their own objectives. The authors are, in fact,
writing this book at the moment (and might resist the temptation to use the title
`The empire fights back').
If, notwithstanding all the above, your business continues to occupy a
disproportionate amount of your time, disconnect the automatic door opener,
connect the door handle to the electricity power mains and catch a night flight
to the Aegean under an assumed name. Good luck!
Further reading
(reprints and translations cited)
Dickens, Charles. Hard times. Bantam Books, New York, 1981.
Dostoevsky, Fyodor. Crime and punishment. Bantam Books, New York, 1984.
Hitler, Adolf. Mein Kampf. Noontide Press, Costa Mesa, Calif., 1986.
Hugo, Victor. Les miserables. Penguin, New York, 1982.
Loyola, Ignatius. Spiritual exercises. Loyola University Press, 1959.
Machiavelli, Niccolo. The Prince. Luigi Ricci trans. OUP, London, 1935.
Ortega Y Gasset, Jose. The revolt of the masses. Unwin Books, London, 1972.
Sade, Donatien Alphonse Francois, Marquis de. Selected letters. Beekman
Pubs, Woodstock, New York, 1965.


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HOW TO STUFF A SMALL BUSINESS 1

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1. So, you've decided to start a small business! After years of dreaming,

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noticing that the switchboard operator

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rinse set and the greenies.

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continuously impressed and

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9. Operating rules are essential components of any operating system. Since

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• pretend to have a crossed line;

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You may be able to arrange for a staff

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Never do anything for nothing,

Your staff should be taught always to

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least) -- none of this wrapping or packing small quantities nonsense.

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Competition, differing voltages for electrical goods, international or national