Five components of a healthy marriage

By Rick Warren

Years ago I read this letter written to Dear Abby:

“Do all marriages go stale after 25 years? Ours has. My husband and I don’t
seem to have much to talk about any more. We used to talk about our kids.
But now they’re grown and gone, and we really don’t have anything to
converse about. I have no major complaints with my husband. But the old
excitement is gone. We watch a lot of television. And we read. And we have
friends. But when we’re alone together, it’s pretty dull. We even sleep in
separate bedrooms now. Is there someway to recapture the old magic?”
– The Song has Ended

How incredibly sad! Too many marriages in our churches are struggling
because the romance has died. Looking around, there is a disturbing trend
that plays itself out in most troubled marriages. They go from fiery romance to
reality to rut to resentment to regret. Before long, divorce comes.

Pastor, the marriages in our churches – including our own – are either
growing together or drifting apart. There’s no middle ground. Your church has
a unique opportunity to encourage healthy, growing marriages. How do flat
marriages rekindle their romance? The same way Jesus tells us to rekindle
our love for him in Revelation 2:4-5. Jesus says, “You have forsaken your first
love. Remember the height from which you have fallen? Repent and do the
things you did at first.”

First, you remember the good times. You do again what you did when you first
fell in love. Then, you repent or deliberately change how you treat your
spouse. But what are those actions that you “did at first”? Married people did
five things when they first fell in love. And they’ll need to do it again if they are
going to recapture that romance: attention, affirmation, affection, adventure,
and accordance (spiritual oneness) they had when they first fell in love.

1. Attention: The very first sign that you were falling in love was
that you noticed that someone was paying attention to you – and
you started to pay attention to that someone. Do you remember
how much attention you paid your mate before you were married?
You wrote notes. You made phone calls. You spent hours talking
together. You sent cards. You bought flowers. You brought gifts.
You said over and over again, “You have my total and undivided
attention.”

What happened after you got married? Instead of saying, “I'll get
that for you,” we started saying, “Get it yourself!” We became
complacent in our relationship and took one another for granted.
But if you’re going to rekindle the romance, you’ve got to make
time for each other and pay attention to each other. If you don’t,
you’re headed for trouble.

2. Affirmation: The quickest way to put spark back into your

marriage is to start focusing on your spouse’s strengths instead of
their weaknesses. Paul reminds us in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Give
encouragement to each other. Keep strengthening each other.”
Everybody wants to be admired, appreciated, and looked up to.
We fall in love with people who admire us.

You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s so true. “Treat your
husband like a king and he will treat you like a queen.” Very simple
yet profound. We tend to become what others expect of us.

Verbalize your love for your spouse every day. If you will verbalize
your love, you will begin to feel that love you once had.

3. Affection: Remember how affectionate you and your spouse

were during your courting days? In fact, you can always tell who
the unmarried couples are. They can’t keep their hands off each
other. Unfortunately, after the wedding, the touching and
tenderness stop in so many marriages. All marriages need large
amounts of hugging, kissing, caressing, and other forms of non-
sexual touch.

Ephesians 5:19 (Amplified) says, “Husbands ... be affectionate!” It

is a command. Husbands, if you’re not doing this, you’re sinning.
Some say, “I'm just not naturally affectionate.” So what? Change!
It’s not in your genes. You learned the behavior from your
background. You can learn to be affectionate.

4. Adventure: Most marriages are dull. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says,

“Enjoy life with your wife.” I’ve read that the number one cause of
affairs is boredom. Are you fun to live with? You had adventure
when you were romancing your spouse. But you’ve probably lost
that sense of adventure. Everything is predictable. Predictability
kills a marriage.

Unfortunately, most of us define fun as what you do after you’ve

got all your work finished. But you never get all your work finished!
The work is never done. Even after you retire, you still have got
work to do. As a result, you don’t have any fun in your marriage –
and you wonder why the feelings have died.
You need at least one date a week. It doesn’t have to be
expensive, and it doesn’t have to be at night. (Kay and I have
done them on Monday mornings.) But regardless, do something
you like to do together. And do it without the kids. Schedule it –
every week – so you can’t back out when your schedule gets tight.

5. Accordance (spiritual oneness): The key to fellowship with

your mate is for both of you to live in God’s presence. When you
and your wife are both committed to Christ and what he’s doing in
the world, you’ll be naturally drawn together. Spiritual unity
enhances romance. I ended up proposing to Kay while we were
praying together. I felt so close to her – our hearts were knit
together – that I figured we might as well join our lives together.
Prayer joins you together. And then there is the natural desire to
show physical affection, physical oneness, when you are spiritually
one.

God wants you to have oneness. Romance was God’s idea. The
Bible says two shall become one – intellectually, emotionally,
physically, recreationally, and spiritually. When you are only
having oneness in three of those areas, your marriage isn’t fully
what God wants it to be. But when you and your spouse connect
in all five areas, that’s when you find real, honest oneness.

Do you and your spouse pray together? Do you do ministry

together? Do you share what God is doing in your life with your
spouse, and visa-versa? Make those things a part of your time
together, and romance will return.