Parenting Together:

Beyond Command and Chaos -- by Alison Poulsen, Ph.D.

1. Parenting Approaches

Many couples struggle with their different

parenting styles, one being generally strict and
one laissez faire. We also struggle within
ourselves-if we are too permissive and things
become chaotic, we may explode with anger. If
we are overly strict and that doesn't work, we
may give up completely. Often, one spouse allows
the other to do all the parenting or to determine
the style of parenting because of his or her fear of
conflict. Although there's no apparent struggle
here, one spouse has given up his or her ability to
take a stand in relation to the spouse and
children-this is neither good for the relationship
nor good role modeling for the children.

Differences between spouses on methods of

parenting stem mostly from what each experienced from our own parents. Our
primary parenting style is often either a reflection of or a negative response to the
more dominant parenting style of our two parents. As such, it is deeply ingrained.
The two dominant parenting styles -authoritarian and permissive - reflect two
conflicting trends concerning what's important in our culture. One trend places
emphasis on the work ethic, which values productivity & organization. The other
trend values freedom, which since the sixties has taken on the flavor of “follow
your bliss.”

The Authoritarian
The hero myth and its emphasis on accomplishment are in large part
responsible for the authoritarian streak in our western culture. The positive
aspects of authoritarianism—efficiency and productivity—are important
components in life and advantageous in the hero culture. When discipline
becomes all encompassing, however, life loses something else of value.

Within the context of family, the authoritarian wants to efficiently achieve

what needs to be done for "the child's own good" through a commanding style.
Many of us in contemporary western culture strive to lead and have our children
lead "full" lives-mentally, athletically, and socially. To accomplish so much, we
have to plan and organize rigorously, and are often left with little time and
patience for simply hanging out with our children on their own terms of
imagination and creativity. It seems that it is precisely during such unstructured
time of play where there is no lectures or commands that the best connection
between parents and children occurs. It is also the time where the imagination
can run freely.

Authoritarianism sometimes stems from parents being driven to push their

children to do the things they craved to do—becoming athletes, musicians, or
scholars. When we find ourselves exerting excessive pressure on our children to
accomplish what we once longed to accomplish, we need to consider whether we
are making our children compensate for what is missing in our lives. While we
should provide opportunities, engage in conversations about the benefits of such
opportunities, and even insist on practice, let's spare our children excessive
pressure and control arising out of our own personal longings.

A child who feels overly controlled often feels resentful, angry, and impotent,
and may lash out or become completely passive. While the child may be obedient,
he or she lacks a sense of authentic power. Such a child may then try to find a
sense of power by imitating his or her parents resulting in controlling or bullying
behavior.

Because our culture scorns neediness, an authoritarian parent sometimes

resorts to punishment, shame, and humiliation in an attempt to motivate a child
or to eradicate any signs of weakness and dependence. Unfortunately, shame
belittles and alienates rather than empowers a child, which in effect suppresses a
child's creativity and compassion. Excessive shame and punishment lead to
feelings of impotence and can result in violent or passive aggressive behavior.

The Permissive Parent

Permissiveness in parenting sometimes stems from the desire to let the child's
creativity flourish and to avoid crushing the child's sense of empowerment.
Permissiveness can also result from not knowing how else to parent. It takes a
great deal of effort to consistently engage a child and to take the time to
encourage life-promoting behaviors and attitudes.

The fear of conflict also may lead a parent to over-indulge the child. When a
child wants to stay up late or to skip soccer practice without a good reason, a
parent dreads the child's whining and protests if he or she is denied. Skipping one
more activity seems a small price to pay. Yet, over the long term, responding to
whining or begging may cause the behavior to become a pattern. Placating a child
to minimize resistance only creates greater resistance in the future and into
adulthood.

Although the child of a permissive parent may get more of her immediate
desires fulfilled, the child often feels apprehensive about her excessive power and
the chaos that ensues when she gets out of control. Lacking boundaries, the child
can suffer from insecurity and find it difficult to cultivate self-discipline into
adulthood. Such a child is denied the gift of being able to delay gratification—an
ability necessary in attaining any long-term goals, and very important as an adult.
2. How do we establish boundaries and guidelines for our children
without being too oppressive on the one hand and too permissive on
the other?

In determining how we would like to parent our children, let's examine the
values at the core of each parenting style. The values at the core of strict
discipline (the authoritarian) are responsibility, strength of character, and
perseverance, all of which enable us to do things we don't feel like doing, such as
homework and demanding work. The values at the core of permissive parenting
are respect, kindness, and creativity-qualities that make life enjoyable. The
lenient parent fears that the child's imagination and sensibilities will be crushed
by an overbearing approach.

Both sets of values are essential and valid, and the good news is that they are not
mutually exclusive. Both sets of needs can be met simultaneously. In fact, it is
one-sided parenting that causes most problems. An excessively stern parent
becomes machine that only values the child's results and productivity, losing
sight of the ineffable qualities of humanity-such as the joy of humor, imagination,
and spontaneity—and the importance of feelings and relationships. The purpose
of productivity loses its meaning when the vitality of life vanishes-a root problem
of so many problems today.

In contrast, an excessively permissive parent cheats his or her child out of the
ability to set goals and the self-discipline to achieve them. Without these abilities,
one is left with the increasingly dissatisfying prospect of being fulfilled by being
passively entertained. Not only is this not gratifying, it inevitably leads to
dependence on others or to addictive behaviors that bring temporary relief from
boredom of passivity.

Thus, children need both to be treated with respect and to learn self-discipline.
Quite strict discipline can be effective if the manner of giving it is always loving,
considerate, and done with a non-threatening manner and voice. You can, for
instance, be extremely strict about the rule of a child's not going into the fenced-
off swimming pool without a parent being present. The reasons can be explained
firmly, though not threateningly. The child has to believe the parent is very
serious, but not angry.

Respectful Parenting
The most important means of teaching our children is by being a role model
and living the attributes we wish to impart to our children. Children watch their
parents' behavior more than they listen to their lectures. So, we can attempt to
develop the qualities we desire in our children-empathy, respect, self-discipline,
and patience.

The first step is to really listen to the child before responding. Empathy and
respect are prerequisites for real dialogue with others. Respect differs from
permissiveness in that it calls forth courtesy and allows for disagreement, rather
than indulgence and agreement. Respect differs from obedience in that obedience
is externally coerced through the use of fear or rewards, while respectful behavior
is internally motivated by authentic power developed by being treated
respectfully and expected to be responsible.

When parents use authentic power, they empower others. They motivate
children by paying attention to feelings, needs, and desires. They help children
develop control from inside themselves, maintained by the child's own set of
internalized values (Kvols, K.J., (1998). Redirecting Children's Behavior.
Washington: Parenting Press, Inc. p. 50).

We should express boundaries, expectations, disappointments, guidelines, and

rules with kindness. We can be firm while expressing compassion. For example,
when a child doesn't want to go to soccer practice, we acknowledge that it's part
of life to not always feel like practicing, working, and following through with
commitments. While validating such feelings, we can insist that they follow
through anyway, unless there is a big problem or an urgent situation interfering.
Not only are others on the team counting on us, but we can only enjoy increased
skills and accomplishments if we generally do follow through with our
commitments.

By stating expectations and creating boundaries for ourselves in a respectful

way, we can prevent our boundaries from being trampled, and thereby reduce the
possibility of conflict. This also teaches our children how to create boundaries in
a respectful way for themselves and, later, how to take a stand in the world. If we
want our children to be compassionate, respectful, self-empowered, and capable
of both intimacy and solitude, we need to embody these attributes ourselves. It is
an ongoing journey, challenging and rewarding, and of greater benefits to
children and both spouses than harsh criticism or giving up could ever be.

3. How to get on the same page with your spouse about parenting
children.

We can deal with our spouse, as well as all human beings for that matter, with
respect and kindness, while clarifying our opinions, beliefs, expectations, and
boundaries. We can start by recognizing and appreciating the values underlying
his or her style of parenting. When we sincerely validate someone else's needs or
values, they are less apt to become defensive. This is not a manipulative
maneuver. To have a meaningful discussion, we need to identify both our own
concerns and desires while also considering our spouse's needs and fears.

What are the core values of each parenting style? The authoritarian wants the
child to develop the self-discipline and perseverance to make it in the world. The
permissive parent desires that the child experience kindness, creativity, and
compassion. We need to approach our spouse keeping the merits of both sets of
values in mind.
 In discussing parenting with our spouse, we don't want to be authoritarian-
using coercion, blame, and threats; nor do we want to be permissive, that is,
doing anything to please or giving up boundaries completely. For example, a
father or mother says overly sternly to his child "Go to bed!" when the child has
come out of the bedroom to ask for something. Later, the spouse could say, "I
agree that it's important that the child go to bed early on school nights, and not
get in the habit of getting up too often to ask for things. I also prefer that we use a
kinder tone of voice in asking him to go to bed."

Thus, we can convey to our partners respectfully rather than dictatorially.

When we truly integrate both sets of values, not only do wild fluctuations
between lenience and severity toward the children diminish, but we set a good
example for the children, and struggles between spouses lessen.

Email your comments or questions to alisonpoulsen@cox.net