Cup That Doesn’t Count

AANTAKI RAISA

On the first hour of April 1, 2011, a (un-)friendly cricket match took place between ‘the
Outlandish Bangladesh 11’ and ‘the Exotic World 11’ at the temporary cricket ground on
the Arial Beel (yes, as a compensation to the tension created due to the controversial
decision of building an air port there, the government decided to give the inhabitants of
Arial Beel area the privilege of ‘hosting’ the ‘much awaited’ cricket match). Both teams
fought hard to win the ‘I Get All the Oil Reserves’ cup. Following are the highlights of
the rather interesting cricket match.

Outlandish Bangladesh 11 (OB11) won the toss and chose to ball on the bouncy wicket
of the Arial Beel. But, being a responsible team captain of the Exotic World 11 (EW11),
Barack Obama asked the three umpires, Ban Ki-moon (GS, The UN), Robert B. Zoellic
(President, The World Bank) and Dominique Strauss-Kahn (MD, IMF), whether they
wanted to jeopardise their relationships with the United States. As a result, the captain of
OB11, Sheikh Hasina, changed her decision and ‘chose’ to bat first.

Team Line-up: OB11

Sheikh Hasina c* Batting: Right-Handed, Bowling: Leg-

spinner
AMA Muhit Batting & Bowling: Ambidextrous
(Ambivalent)
Dr Muhammad Yunus Batting: Right-Handed; Bowling: Wrong
Handed
Moudud Ahmed Batting & Bowling: However ‘Madam’
wants it
Begum Khaleda Zia wk Batting and Bowling: ‘Better than her’
(Self-declared)
Nazmul Huda Batting & Bowling: Against Madam’s
Wish
HM Ershad Batting & Bowling: However the Ladies
like it! Specialty: ‘Fielding’
SQ Chowdhury Batting: Unknown; Bowling: “The way our
Pakistani brothers bowl” (SQ Chy)
Ahmed Akbar Sobhan AKA Shah Alam Batting & Bowling Style: “Style that makes
money”
Salman F Rahman Batting & Bowling Style: “Style that makes
money”
Matiur Rahman Nizami Batting: None; Bowling: None; Sole
replacement to the injured Tareq Zia
Team Line-up: EW11

Julian Assange Batting style: No Mercy, Bowling style: Be

prepared to be surprised!
Mark Zuckerberg Batting & Bowling: via Social Networking
George W Bush Batting style: Right-handed Invasion
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Batting & Bowling: Whatever threatens
America!

Barack Obama c* Batting and Bowling: Yes We Can;

Expertise: motivation though Nobel-
winning Speeches.
King Abdullah Batting & Bowling: Right-Handed
Orthodox, AKA according to the US Wish.
Muammer Gaddafi Batting: Boom-Boom Gaddafi; Bowling:
Master-Bluster Grenade
Hosni Mubarak Bowling: Spinner/pacer- whatever situation
demands
Hillary Clinton wk Right-Handed Unorthodox (Invented by
herself)
Parvez Musharraf Batting & Bowling: He forgot like he
wanted the Bangladeshis to forget about
March 25, 1971.
Osama Bin Laden Batting: Unknown; Bowling Style: Behind
the scene.

The match was a match of many firsts- the first midnight match, having Khaleda and
Hasina on the same team after 1990, the first match that showed that Bush and Laden
were playing on the same team and the first match dedicated to celebrate the April fool’s
Day.
With the increasing world population and the decreasing natural resources winning the ‘I
Get All the Oil Reserves’ cup was important for both teams and they threw all the power
they had to win the cup. But before the match began, tension gripped the EW11 camp as
confusion arose on which nation or which institution would really get the hold of the cup.
OB11 team and their supporters, on the other hand, seemed quite relaxed as the
supporters knew that no matter who wins, they- the citizens of Bangladesh- will never get
hold of the ‘cup’ and the team was under no pressure as they were quite experts at
dividing the wealth amongst themselves despite all their differences and even if they
were defeated, there is always the ‘obey and benefit’ policy for them when the West has
the upper hand.
The OB11 innings started with a not-so-strong opening partnership between Hasina and
Muhit. Despite all objections, Hasina wanted to open the innings as she though she
deserved it more than anyone else. Muhit, on the other hand, wanted him and Yunus to
open the innings but after learning about Hasina’s wish, he submitted to the captain’s
decision. The partnership didn’t go well and Muhit scored a golden duck. When Yunus
came on the field, there was a good display of batting as both batters competed to prove
themselves better than each other. Mubarak and Gaddafi were the opening bowlers for
team EW11. Though Hosni bowled two good balls to Yunus to get him out, Clinton as
the keeper and Obama in the slip dropped catches (many say intentionally) and gave
Yunus multiple lifelines. But at one point Gaddafi threw his trade-mark ‘kill’em all’
Yorker and got Yunus bowled. Yunus scored a noble half century. Next in the line was
Moudud but he disagreed to bat with Hasina and got ‘timed out’. Then came Zia and
Hasina and Zia seemed invincible together. Later on a press conference both admitted
that, the record-breaking partnership came more out of mutual jealousy rather than out of
team spirit. However, being blown away by the two batswomen, Obama changed the
bowling and brought in Zuckerberg. Unfortunately, Zuckerberg didn’t know that he had
to be present in person to bowl and he couldn’t bowl via live teleconferencing. Obama
then tried Musharraf, Laden, Bush and Abdullah but nobody could get either of the
batswomen out. Finally, Assange was brought in action and before starting to bowl, he
whispered something to Zia and Zia immediately left the field and was declared out.
Assange later told the press that he just said Zia that her make-up was wearing off.
Next came Huda and he got out in a similar manner by Assange; only this time the
whisper was about Huda not knowing the real story behind the match and he would know
it only if he walks out. Being an expert at ‘walking out’ from the parliament, he
gracefully got himself walked out. Assange was on a hat-trick when Ershad came in for
batting and Assange did it again. Well, this time, he didn’t whisper, he loudly asked
Ershad whether he wanted his personal affairs go public and Ershad walked out and the
cricket history got its first-ever walk-out hat-trick.
After Assange’s hat-trick Obama seemed relax; Hasina’s tiresome run between the
wickets with SQ Chy made him even more confident. Suddenly Obama had a brilliant
idea and decided to make Musharraf bowl for the next over. Musharraf started bowling
and screamed that he was the only one who wanted the Bangladeshis to forget 1971; SQ
Chy, being overwhelmed with emotion left the crease and Mosharraf’s ball hit the stumps
and OB11 277/7; 95 of which came from Hasina’s bat. Hasina had promised both Alam
and Rahman that they would be ‘specially benefited’ if they contributed to the winning,
hence Alam started batting like a professional. The partnership was going so well that
Obama and Clinton got really upset and worried. Obama tried to give another magical
speech but was thwarted by Ahmadinejad. When all was looking good for OB11,
someone leaked the news and Obama offered Alam and later Rahman to give them
double of what Hasina had promised, if they got out. So, OB11 was 303/9 and Hasina
was 170 not out.
It was a bowling pitch and such a huge score seemed impossible to chase. Obama was on
the verge of being the villain who led a team that caused the West to lose hold of the ‘I
Get the Oil Reserves’ cup. Upset and frustrated, he went to Bush for advice. Bush looked
at the following batsman for OB11 and he saw Nizami coming. Bush smiled and said,
“you don’t have to worry now. Nizami will never let his own team win.” And that’s what
happened. Nizami got Hasina run out and team OB11 forfeited as all the other team
members were reportedly poisoned and hospitalised. And thus EW11 won the ‘I Get All
the Oil Reserves’ cup.