NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

BY STARBUCK

Introduction Non verbal communication is the single most important aspect of your game. It alone can often mean the difference between being a successful pick up artist, and just getting blown out every set and scratching your head wondering why. If you dont believe this, next time you walk into a bar notice the guys who are most successful with women and what they are doing. The way they walk, the way they stand, the way they sit, the way they look at women. Everything they do. By the time they approach and open a set, often theyve already been noticed, sized up and been invited by their targets. Yep, you heard that right, invited. This is big, guys. Now, you maybe are wondering how they do this. Are they just naturals? Is it some sort of God given gift? Do they have e.s.p.? Did they go to charm school or something? Did they sign up for 4 years in the U.S. Marines? Do you have to? Nope. Just keep reading. Of course like any skill some things are innate and you are born with them, other things are learned behaviors. Non verbal communication is primarily a learned behavior. In other words we all are born with the ability, but only some of us have developed it to its potential. Even fewer understand whats really going on with all this. After you read this short e-book on the subject you will understand as well. And take my word for it; in my opinion, it will improve your game as much as anything. With a powerful skill set of non-verbal communication, you can literally use any approach, opener, etc... And be well received. Why, because remember, youve already been invited. And if you havent, she will wonder why she hasnt noticed you already and will be enthusiastically interested in making up for lost time. So what do we mean by non verbal communication? Non-verbal communication is any non spoken communication that takes place outside of or in conjunction with verbal communication. It is known by many sub-categories;

Eye contact Body language Facial expressions Gestures Posture and body orientation Proximity Paralinguistics Dress Grooming And were going to break each one down and explain each to you simply and in some detail. So you can make it a natural part of your game as well. Lets start with a brief discussion about situational awareness and how it impacts your game. You walk into a bar, head down, slumped posture, eyes looking your feet or at everybodys waist and walk up to the bar and order a drink. Let me ask you, what impression do you think youve just made? And what tone have you set for the rest of your interactions with the others in the bar, especially those of the female variety. Yep, youre right, not a good one. For one thing, other than who the bartender is, you know about as much about whats going on in the bar as you did when you standing in line paying your cover charge. So I cant overemphasize this, be aware of your surroundings and how you are perceived by those in these surroundings at all times. This is called situational awareness. Yep, youre starting to get an idea of just how important this stuff is. Remember a few years ago up in Rhode Island, when the club erupted in fire after the bands pyrotechnic devices malfunctioned? And 30 people or so died in the fire. All because they didnt know where the exits were and all tried to leave out of the front door? Are you one of these people? Not anymore. Again, this is situational awareness and it is a vital skill to have. Every U.S. Army soldier and Marine is constantly aware of what is going on around them, and for good reason. You should too. It works the same whether you are patrolling the streets in Baghdad, or working a bar in Chicago. The difference being of course in one circumstance you may get blown up or shot and sent home in a body bag, in the other you may just get
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blown out of the water by every attractive chick you see, be sleeping alone tonight, or perish in a fire because Billy dipshit with the band thinks its cute to set off the equivalent of a flame thrower on stage. So using your new skill of situational awareness, how should you enter a room? Head up, shoulders back, relaxed pace, scanning the room, taking a glance and if possible acknowledging the presence of every attractive woman in the room. Walk in like you own it, you belong there, and everyone of any consequence should notice you because you are the man and you mean action. Ok, on to the meat and potatoes of non-verbal communication.

Eye Contact Eye contact skills are among the most important in non-verbal communication. Having good eye contact skills can mean the difference between getting laid, and getting blown out like a Chihuahua during Hurricane Katrina. In other words, having bad eye contact skills is the kiss of death when dealing with a woman, unless youre her brother or something. When you fail to look people in the eyes, it says something about you. It says you lack confidence and self esteem. It says you are a boy, in a mans body. So what are eye contact skills? You look people in the eye when you speak to them. When you speak to a woman you hold eye contact as long as or longer than she does. Make her look away or down which is a sign of submission. This is powerful medicine. If you have had poor eye contact skills in the past, you will notice the reaction to this one simple change more than anything. How do you develop good eye contact skills? Be aware of what youre doing at all times when interacting with others. Practice looking and speaking into your own eyes in the mirror. If you have difficulty focusing on two eyes, move your eyes slightly occasionally or focus on one eye. Dont stare at people. It makes them uncomfortable. Dont shift your eyes constantly either. It indicates a lack of congruence, or dishonesty. Act like the rock of Gibraltar and smile when you look into a womans eyes, like youre looking out the back of her head or something. It will completely disarm her. Nope, she wont be forgetting you anytime soon while shes trying to figure out if youre kin to Jeffery Dahmer, or James Bond and why youre alone. Ah the power of sexual tension. And what have you done to establish it? Clever line, elaborate story line, flashed a wad of cash, showed her the keys to your Maserati, and pulled some e.s.p. on her or something? Nope, thats just what all the losers think. Yeah, youre getting the idea now.

Body Language What is body language? Body language in this context is mirroring, gestures and stride. Mirroring is basically copying the body language of your target. This helps to build rapport and comfort as likes tend to attract likes. Dont be obvious, but try to get in synch physically with your target. This is especially important in initial interactions when you are attempting to build rapport. Youre gestures as forms of non verbal communication should be smooth and congruent. What do we mean by congruent, simply that your walk should match your talk and the social context you are in. Hand and arm movements are powerful communicators, but best used with discretion and grace. Wild gyrations arent the best way to get your point across. They seem spastic. When in doubt relax your arms and hold them at your side. Practice walking around heel to toe with a strut, and spirit in your walk. This is the way you should walk everywhere. Put a book on your head and walk around the house. Head up, eyes focused, scanning the area. Dont place objects between yourself and your target. Holding your drink, crossing your arms, etc. are all barriers to communication. If you shake a womans hand, shake it firmly and fully. And before you let go, turn your hand slightly so your palm is up. She should pull her hand gently away as you slightly pull her towards you (dont overdo this). Coupled with a smile and eye contact, this can be magic.

Facial Expressions Youre facial expression should be pleasant at all times. Cultivate the art of the half assed smile. That is a slight smile. It should be on your face whenever you are around women. After you make a point, and especially after a joke or sexual connotation. This disarms people. If you can master the half assed smile and eye contact your job is half done. If you like to wink, do so to accentuate a point or to acknowledge a womans presence or interest. Youd be surprised just how many people in public walk around with scowls and other ridiculous looks on their faces. Stand out from the crowd. Be aware of yourself at all times, and remember to smile. Practice this in the mirror as well. Laugh a lot, especially around women and at anything that is even mildly funny. It will make you appear funny even if you arent. An easy laugh is best. No crazy wild laughing, especially when nothings funny, unless you want her to think you belong in the loony bin instead of bouncing around on the Sealy Posturepedic.

Posture and Body Orientation Youre posture should be erect at all times, shoulders back, chest out, stomach in. If you dont work out, start. Pay particular attention to your chest, arms and abs. Combined with a proper stride, eye contact and smile this is powerful stuff. You will be noticed by women. You may feel strange at first, exhibiting this newfound confidence around the opposite sex, and feeling like you may have to beat them off with a stick. But that will abate as you notice more attention coming your way, and more lipstick where the sun doesnt shine. Youre body orientation should always be non-threatening but powerful around strangers, during cold approaches and while opening. One way you can do this is in the manner you approach people. Approach from slightly off to one side, not straight on or from the back. This gives them some warning of your approach and takes away the element of surprise, which in the animal kingdom is a sign of attack. You should look for signs of discomfort and reorient as necessary. As comfort builds escalate by facing them. If they face you back, and you notice IOIs (indicators of interest) youre in like Flint. Dont waste it. During initial interactions with strangers one on one stand to one side, or off center of your target slightly. Do not face directly, until they start to indicate comfort with you. They will normally do this by facing you or speaking comfortably with you. If you notice their discomfort or a lack of mirroring on their part, reorient your body to theirs off to the side, or face another direction and turn your head towards them. If you are in a group, do the opposite. The purpose for doing the opposite is to establish your dominance to the target. Numbers of people equal comfort for the target, so you neednt be concerned with her mistaking your body orientation with aggression. Of course while using the Mystery Method in particular you may need to alter your approach and orientation, in an effort to deliver IOD (indicators of disinterest). This is fine, and of course will depend upon the target.

Proximity Place yourself where the action is, not where the action isnt. Remember youre not in Afghanistan and not under mortar and RPG attack constantly. Move in the direction of your target. Keep out of their personal space until comfort has been established through KINO or verbal rapport, but within social space. This is approximately 2-3 feet apart. You can also circle your target, or walk by your target initially to gauge interest. This is best done in combination with eye contact and your smile. If your target smiles back and makes eye contact with you dont hesitate, get over there and open the gig is on. This is the socially safe way to play and to gauge interest. Basically you are being invited to interact. You of course can also use the Mystery Methods three second rule if you like, or are in a bar or other obvious social context and immediately open sets. Never hesitate, always have something to do, youre time is valuable remember? Sometimes women will use proximity to signal you. They will walk past you. This often happens during your day game when youre otherwise going about your business. Anytime a woman walks past you and looks at you, you should pay attention, be prepared to make eye contact and smile in her direction. Then get over there and open. No better signal of interest exists, other than a chick walking up and ripping your shirt off or something. The closer you are to targets of opportunity the more likely you are to get noticed, and the easier it will be to approach and open. Your default assumption should always be that women are always on the prowl, and you should be too. Remember that next time you want to run out to the grocery store for beer. And think of how impressed your buddies will be if you also come back with the blonde bombshell cashier on your arm as well.

Paralinguistics Paralinguistics are the tone of your voice, you pitch, rhythm, loudness and inflection. Practice speaking at a lower pitch, clear tone, slow rhythm, strong loudness, and accenting or inflecting words or points. Monotone is boring to most listeners, speak with emotion and clarity. If you have a squeaky and unpleasant voice, practice with a friend, a digital recorder, or lay off inhaling the helium before you go out sarging. Sometimes it helps to raise the pitch of your voice slightly when conveying heartfelt emotions or situations. This can be especially appealing to women, especially from an otherwise strong guy. Be playful, and modulate your voice to reflect this fact. Guys, this stuff can mean the difference between being ignored most of the time, and having little hot bodies virtually following you around and making passes at you everywhere you go.

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Dress I can go down, spend $50 bucks at Wal-Mart and be picking up chicks in the fanciest part of town tonight. What you wear is relatively unimportant. As long as it is appropriate for the social context you are in, matched, accessorized, fits and is worn properly. You should always wear a clean pair of shoes, a belt and a decent watch. This is standard man gear. Socks are a great idea as well, unless you wearing specific kinds of shoes where they are optional. The prices of these items are largely irrelevant. Ive picked up girls in $100 shoes, slacks and a sport coat, and Ive picked up girls in $17 Wal-Mart sneakers, Levis shorts, a muscle shirt and cheap sunglasses hanging around my neck. Wear the style that suits you and your surroundings best. Seriously guys, no pants hanging around your knees, and your underwear (if you wear any) shouldnt be visible if youre over 17 or out of High School. And tuck your shirt tail in, unless the style of the shirt also allows it to be worn out and you want to hide your small package or something. If you like jewelry, wear some. I dont personally wear any, but if works for you and you like wasting your money by all means wear some.

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Grooming Get a haircut, at least every two weeks. Shave before you go out. Buy an electric cordless hair trimmer and trim your body hair. Wear cologne if you like, but use it sparingly. Obtain nose hair trimmers and use them. Trim your eyebrows. Wear an effective deodorant. Clean the potatoes out of your ears. Brush you teeth, and use mouthwash if you have it. Lay off the sugary drinks or drink plenty of water. Trim your fingernails and toenails and keep them clean. Marine Corps wisdom.., shit, shower, and then shave, in that order. Seem like common sense? Youd be surprised how many of your competitors forget or think its unnecessary. You cant afford too unless. Yep, you like making love to your bottle of lotion and towel.

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Putting it all Together Again, you enter a club, head down, slouched posture, fast walk, with a scowl on your face and your shirt tail hanging out. Youre a bad boy in your own mind. You have the attitude of dont mess with me, or else. And thats generally what happens. You get your drink at the bar and head for the first wall to lean against, by yourself or with your other loser friends. What kind of message do you think this sends? Do you think nobody is paying attention? You would be mistaken. You had might as well go home now. Because the only play youll be getting tonight is from the bouncers, or the other losers while youre pissing your hard earned money down the urinal, and dodging the cops in your half drunken stupor driving home. On the other hand, you notice another fellow that walks in alone. He strides confidently, head up, chest out, scanning, nodding and smiling at every attractive woman he sees. He also goes to the bar and gets a drink, while making eye contact with an attractive woman at a nearby table. Shes looking too and smiles, he smiles back. Suddenly hes walking towards her table and sits down. In 15 minutes they are leaving. What are you and your buddies doing? Still leaning up against the wall, nursing your drinks and talking about what a big wad of cash he probably has in addition to his BMW, a big pecker and a house at the lake. Yeah dream on. This is serious stuff guys and literally 50% or more of your game. If you dont learn it, wont matter what else you do. Youll be shot down in her mind before you can even approach and attempt to open her. Now, get out there and put it all into action. And never again be the guy whose only option at the end of the night is back home with his towel and his bottle of lotion, nursing a hangover while contemplating trading in his car for a moped because of his recent DUI conviction, wondering when the women of the world are going to come to their senses.

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