INTRODUCTION:

Every human being is a small world with its problems, joys, sufferings and his aspirations, which is separated from other similar worlds, but tends naturally to come in contact with them..Marriage is the institution which brings two of these worlds together. Marriage is the fulfillment of strong emotions and tendencies which man and woman feel for each other. It is the natural means through which the socialization and the growth of the person reaches its fulfillment and therefore it provides numerous opportunities to bring about security, cooperation and love. Marriage creates a family, provides the natural environment in which a person realizes himself and reaches out to others in an attitude of dedication and service. LOVE vs ARRANGED MARRIAGE Most of the arranged marriages are successful because the parents do support the relationship and they try their best to keep the relationship live as it is their responsibility too. In arranged marriage, the girl and boy will be from the same religion and caste, so they have their lifestyle, food and culture. In arranged marriages, the girl is more protected as the parent care for a girl who married according to their wish. All of a sudden you start your life with the person with whom you have hardly spent any time. Most of the cases the girl is forced to sacrifice their likes and to adjust to reality. Some may just live their life as it goes believing its just their fate and their parents are happy, but some break up. In love marriage, you know each other well, you are not going to be with any stranger or you may not have much problems about the person well before you spend your life together. A love marriage can become unsuccessful if you had a very short time to know each other and just decide to get married. In short the advantage of going for a love marriage is that you are going to live a life with the person you know well and you are sure that you can get along well. It takes time to know each other and both of you should feel comfortable together. Never force somebody to love you and then get married. Even in arranged marriage you can know the person well before you decide to get married. You should make sure that your proposed partner likes you as well and is not agreeing for the wedding because of any pressure from his or her parents or any other reasons. Some start their love life after their wedding and really enjoy and are happy.

Differentiation between Infatuation and love: Often, young people confuse infatuation and love. Most marriages that are based on initial attraction fail while those that are founded on the emotion of love last a lifetime. Infatuation focuses on the growth and satisfaction of the self while love focuses on the growth and satisfaction of the other. Love is a feeling that comes from the soul and the heart while infatuation is a feeling or emotion that necessarily has hormonal triggers. For example, you can always be infatuated with someone when you see them without really understanding them or connecting to them. However, to truly love someone you will need to understand their hopes, dreams and aspirations along with connecting to them in some individual way. You are generally infatuated with someone of the opposite sex while you can love just anyone. Infatuation comes with a fleeting feeling that often evaporates when you are required to sacrifice something precious to you or it simply fades away with time. Love, on the other hand, can make you sacrifice absolutely anything without a second thought and only grows stronger with time. Infatuation is completely based on a physical need and dissipates once that is over while love encompasses a sharing that may or may not include some sort of physical interaction. Infatuation leads to materialistic goals while love leads to spiritual ones. Qualities and needs: The qualities which are commonly appreciated in a partner are money, status, academic degrees and prestige. Boys are mostly attracted to a girl who has beauty, sexual responsiveness and capacities of a good house wife. His needs tend to be sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration. Girls instead look mainly, affection and tenderness. Her needs tend to be conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment. All these qualities certainly have their importance, but they alone are not likely to guarantee a happy marriage. Capacity for intimacy: Intimacy is the proximity of souls, not bodies. Every woman needs someone with whom she feels safe, secure, and loved. Sometimes, that means sitting together in the quiet of the evening. Sometimes it means laying in each others arms talking about life, and really hearing each other. Intimacy can mean passionate sex as well. One should be careful not to jump into a relationship based on feelings. Be sure you are with someone who cares

about your needs, as well as their own. You will find, there is a vast difference between sex and love, and between having sex and making-love. HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR LIFE PARTNER: A wise choice is half the battle. It is safer and easier to choose well than to attempt to alter personalities after the wedding. It is better to match than to patch. Tips to choose the right partner:COMPATIBILITY: We tend to believe that compatibility is not such an important phenomenon when it comes to choosing our partner. Nothing could be further from the truth than this. Even if we believe that compatibility is important, since we dont have the adequate tools for making a judgment on so abstract a concept, we tend to use star signs, horoscopes, rating scales and many other methods to assess compatibility. Unfortunately, these are inadequate measures. In fact, there are no really valid psychometric methods or personality tests to assess compatibility between two people. There is just one way to determine whether an individual is right for you. Does he feel right? The answer to this question has to be YES in the minds of both the partners. If either one does not have the answer as yes, the question of compatibility arises. VALUES: What is important to you? Make sure you let your potential partner know. If something is important to you, please have the discussion. What if you believe in saving for a rainy day and your partner believes that money is meant to be spent? What if you wish to show your love by giving gifts and your partner perceives this to be bribing? What seem most important to one person may be very different than those that seem most important to someone else in that same situation... so, the time to discover these latent conflicts is now, not after the commitment. SPIRITUAL: Is religion or spirituality important to you? If so, it is important for your partner to share the same/similar beliefs/values? To what extent? What are your religious or spiritual practices? These are all the questions you want answered before committing to a long term relationship. OVERALL GOALS AND DIRECTION: Sometimes you find a partner who is very compatible with your needs, strengths, and your values but have different ideas about how to meet the goals. You and your partner may completely agree on your values in terms of how much responsibility and how much freedom you will allow your children when it comes down to

implementing these values, you will find to your surprise, that you completely disagree about specific responsibilities and freedoms that you want to extend. Often, when you are becoming involved with another intimately, you arent talking about your combined goals and directions. If you do, you are either talking about what you want to accomplish in a year or in your lifetime. Somehow the in between part is lost. Apart from the above, the other areas to look into: (1) education, (2) career, (3) sexuality, (4) finances (5) household (6) past relationships, (7) miscellaneous (personal tastes etc). Even if a strong feel good doesnt exist, it doesnt matter. But if a feel bad or feel uncomfortable is in evidence, then please pay attention and explore it before you take your final call. This is true for both arranged as well as love marriages. At this point, it should also be clear that feel good element is no guarantee of a wonderful marriage. It just means the chances for making your marriage a wonderful one are higher A good choice may be half the battle, but remember it is only half; it is the beginning and not the end of marital adjustment. One chooses the marriage partner not only for the immediate future, but for the entire life. Therefore the qualities to be sought should be those that will stand the test of time and contribute to the couples happiness in the years to come. People will either grow together or apart in relationships. Change is the only constant. People are living longer. A life commitment made in a persons 20 can easily mean the next 60 to 70 years. For your relationship to thrive, you must learn to renegotiate your relationship. Just because you have changed and your changes feel completely right for you, doesnt mean that they will be right for your partners. For your relationship to survive, you need to accept your partner and his changes. If your partner can no longer satisfy certain things that he did in the past, then try to accept it or replace it with something else. This does not mean you need to end the relationship or have an affair. Find new friends, join a group, take parents advice, read good books dont look to your partner to share your enthusiasm for that part of your life when he has changed his goals or direction. Things to consider in Marriage Love goes beyond feeling and touches the very essence of your soul. Marriage is your expression to the world that you are choosing to love one

person, for a lifetime loyally, sharing joys and sorrows in all aspects of life. Conjugal love is a particular kind of friendship which involves special duties and responsibilities. Success in marriage depends mainly on a correct understanding of these responsibilities and on the readiness to fulfill them sincerely and constantly. Before you make the leap of a lifetime, carefully consider these matters of the heart. Age: It is not possible to draw up fixed rules about the age at which a person can conveniently enter married life. As long as a boy or girl is physically fit for it and are able to understand and accept the responsibilities it involves, marriage remains for them an open opportunity. Nevertheless, it is advisable not to get married when one is too young or too old. Early marriages create a number of problems. The couple is not yet financially independent, the number of children may increase considerably, and the partners may find it difficult to face all the problems and responsibilities of a family and may even reject each other with the pretext that their choice was not mature. But a too late marriage is also not to be encouraged. In fact, mature people have already a fixed set of ideas and habits and may find it difficult to blend together into a real couple. Moreover, as soon as the children grow up, they may be already too old to understand them and to give them proper guidance in tackling and solving the first problems of life. Fitness: The main condition required for one to marry is maturity, which means the ability to love selflessly and faithfully another person (moral and emotional fitness). One should also enjoy good health and a favorable physical condition (physical fitness). Besides this, he should be able to have normal sexual activity (sexual fitness). Sexual fitness should be normally accompanied with the ability to have children (reproductive fitness). Finally, one should be able to meet the economic needs of the family (economic fitness). All these aspects should be properly checked by the person approaching the time for marriage with the help of expert educators and doctors. Maturity:

Maturity means the ability to take on the responsibilities of a family. Often it is not easy to evaluate adequately the maturity of a person, because each one tries to present himself in the best light, hiding those aspects of his personality which can appear negative. Therefore, it is necessary to go beyond the appearances and observe the behaviour of the person in different situations and circumstances. An enquiry about the family background of the proposed partner is not unreasonable, since normally the environment in which one has grown up is the living witness of what one is. Health: Health should be mentioned as an important consideration in the choice of the partner. It is very important to marry someone in whose family there are no hereditary diseases, who is not mentally handicapped. To be sure about these it is strongly advisable to ask for a pre-marital check-up. The presence of a health defect in a person may not prevent one from marrying, but it is necessary that both know about it and are ready to face together its consequences. Character traits and habits: Don't marry someone thinking you can change them. It won't happen. The annoying habits he has today, he will probably still have when you are both old and gray. Think about the things you can and cannot deal with long term. The whole idea is to project into the future and think about what life will be like with Mr. Wonderful and all of his habits when the infatuation is gone. Clarify expectations of each other: Since marriage is a purposeful relationship, you are bound to have expectations of your partner. If you spend some time trying to understand what these are, you will be in a better position to articulate them to your partner. When you have identified what your expectations are dont be afraid of stating them clearly. Take some time to discuss your future expectations with your fiance. Many couples assume they have the same goals, and they enter into marriage having never discussed the future. You have to speak with your future mate about your future together. Are your career goals compatible? Talk about whether or not you will have children. Discuss how many children you would like to have. What will be your respective roles as parents? Who will care for the children? Will one or both of you work full time? Discuss the implications this may have on your financial and personal life goals.

It is conceivable that your partner may find some of your expectations irrational. If this is the case, try and examine whether there is any truth to this. If you honestly feel there isnt, then stand your ground and learn to agree to disagree with your partner. As long as you learn to stand your ground, even while being open to the possibility that your stand may be wrong, you will be able to establish a greater degree of harmonious communication later in your marriage. Similarities: Two married people have before them a life to spend together. Much of their happiness will depend on the ability to share, to agree, to decide and to work together. The person who shows more similarities should be considered the best mate. A point in which a strong similarity is required is the basic orientation to life. This includes goals and values, religious convictions and general ideas about justice, honesty and truth. Even if partners belong to different religions, it is very important that they have common ideas about God, prayer and the life to come. Another field in which partners should fully agree is the idea itself of marriage, its meaning and purposes. It is very important for them to have the same conceptions about fidelity, reciprocal roles in the family, sex, children and in-laws. It is advisable also that the partners have a certain similarity in age, education, social and economic background. If this similarity is lacking, marriage can yet be possible, provided there is a stronger affinity in other fields and the determination to overcome together the difficulties which will occur later on. Finally, it is useful to remember that a spontaneous agreement in fields such as entertainment, participation in cultural, social and political activity, religious practice and community is likely to smooth many rough angles and help harmony in conjugal life. Type of the family and in-laws: One must look for the dynamics of the family and role of the partner there. One needs to learn to respect each others families without bending over backwards to please them. And we need to do all this by remembering that

the strategy we develop is targeted at ensuring that we dont break away from our families, but work at enhancing family togetherness. The joint family system should not be lightly dismissed as outdate. In certain cases it can still be a remedy against loneliness and inexperience and may provide convenient accommodation in case the young couple is not yet able to bear the expenses of a separate house. On the other hand one must recognize that in the modern society the joint family system may be the source of many difficulties because of lack of space and of privacy, which easily result in slowing down the blending process of the new couple. Besides this, the lack of understanding and cooperation by some members of the large family may create additional problems and tensions. Taking into account all these factors and also the fact that often a job may involve frequent transfers, it is advisable that youngsters be ready, when they marry, to face the problems and responsibilities of running a house alone. In practice they will decide which system to adopt on the basis of the concrete circumstances they will have to face. In any case it is important that the partners should make the choice together before marriage but should be able to change it when the circumstances require it. Inter-caste marriage: For centuries, the rigid caste system has opposed inter caste marriages and rejected those who entered them. In the last decades, however, legislation and social reforms have encouraged inter caste marriages as a means to bring about a better National integration. In spite of all these efforts, caste feelings are still deeply rooted in many people. Therefore, even though in theory caste difference is not seen any more as an impediment to marriage, it can still be the source of many obstacles and oppositions to it. In the present conditions, youth should be made aware of the difficulties which may result from inter caste marriage. If they are able to face them positively, they must not be discouraged from marrying a person from other caste; on the contrary they should be supported and helped. What is advisable in many cases is that the young partners before marriage try their beat to convince their parents and get them at least accept the fact. Fight Unrealistic Expectations:

One October morning less than three months after her marriage, Nicolle Hawthorne sat in her Jamesburg, New Jersey kitchen holding a half-finished cup of cold coffee. The maple tree in the backyard had turned gold, the sun was shining and she had to get ready for the long drive to her job as a newspaper reporter. Im married now, she found herself thinking grumpily. Why do I still have to work? Why cant my husband support me? I want to stay home! The thought shocked me, and then made me laugh, she recalls. I loved my job and hadnt ever considered leaving it. We also needed the income. I realized that part of me wanted a very traditional marriage and a break from the daily grind. Here I was blaming my husband for an unspoken and rather silly expectation Id been carrying around since I was a little girl watching The Donna Reed Show! To reduce disappointment and unhappiness it is essential to identify your expectations. Achievable expectations are fine unlike expecting spouse to read mind, having a perfect marriage etc... It is also essential to discuss it with your partner so that both are aware of each others expectation. Having positive expectations will include appreciating differences, talking about them clearly and respecting each others values. It is essential to discuss about every expectations related to time spent with each other and parents, kids, investments, sex, role in mundane routine, mode of working out problems and all other beliefs held by the individual. Following which mutual decisions are made on how to meet each others expectations. Including the partners expectations can bring in personal discovery and growth. One may also have to develop other personal interests. Our expectations are greatly influenced by our parents marriage, the culture, religion, media and society we come from. Previous romances and friendships also have an effect on the belief that the partner will make life perfect. Unspoken expectations are put to test after marriage reality sets in and the imaginary fantasies fade. Marriage is about:

Having COMMITMENT amongst problems and obstacles. SACRIFICE. To achieve any goal in life we are ready to make a certain degree of sacrifice so will marriage. TOLERATING and ACCEPTING difference of opinions, minor faults, and imperfections as you would also have also have them and but not abuse.

COMPROMISE. Going halfway to find a solution that works for both. Also having a say and expressing feelings and thoughts. GIVING with love and a willing spirit and not by score-keeping.

Expectations are based on the needs of acceptance, security and significance. It also means thinking of what one can fulfill in the others life. Womans expectations include patience, a good listener who is nonjudgmental, compliments and encouragement apart from emotional support etc. Mans expectations include having the same playful and interesting woman he met before marriage but may forget the emotional support of kindness shown earlier, time alone, hidden need for expectations and emotional support for what they value. Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. Our expectations are the confused result of our reactions, our thoughts, and our emotional heritage. We confuse wants with needs, anticipation with expectation, and loneliness with emptiness, touch with sex, talk with communication, ideals with reality and self with relationships. We confuse what we can get only from within ourselves with what we can get only from a relationship. This confusion drives us to continually try to get from someone else what we can get only from ourselves, or try to get from ourselves what we can get only from a relationship.

Fight Unrealistic Expectations. Accept your own expectations and your partners.. Be realistic about what you do ask for.. Agreeing to some realistic expectations creates a win-win situation and a buoyant feeling of success. See what you can do yourself. Grieve what you cant have.

Use disappointment as a signal of unconscious expectations. This builds awareness of the expectations guiding your attitudes and actions. Is your expectation reasonable Dont compare your spouse to other peoples spouses or your marriage to other marriages. Focus on the love, laughter, drama, and struggles in your own world. Theres no perfect spouse, no perfect marriage. Look carefully at your expectations for yourself. In the Indian scenario it may also be necessary to decide the extent to which the family of origin will play a role in the new marriage. However do not ignore that support system that can be handy anytime. It is important to show respect, loyalty, criticize less, share experiences, feelings etcto make realistic and reasonable expectations. SEXUAL ADJUSTMENTS IN MARRIAGE EXPECTATIO NS When two personalities, having had different environment, are united in marriage, there are any number of adjustments that have to be made in the initial stages of married life. Indeed, the success of a marriage depends, more than anything else, on the readiness with which both partners adjust themselves to their new life. There are number of factors that play a part in the adjustment of two persons in marriage. The most important of them are their personalities, the mutual compatibility, their socio-economic situation, family relationships, the degree of emotional security and so on. W hat do you think marriage will be like? IMPORTANCE OF SEX IN MARRIAGE One of the important pre-conditions for success in marriage is a proper and adequate knowledge about sex. Since man, rather than the woman has to take the initiative in the consummation of the sexual union, it is all the more important for him to be equipped with the knowledge of the mechanics of sexual union. Ignorance or lack of skill is not the only reason for sexual maladjustments. The woman's attitude towards sex plays an equally important role. If her reaction to any attempt at sexual union is resistance, whether it be conscious or unconscious, it is obvious that happy adjustments will not be possible. Sexual intim acy gives couples a level of closeness and loving intim acy they m ay not reach any other way. For the m ost part, the quality of a m arriage is reflected in the quality of the sexual relationship. Although there is a strong relationship between the sexual side of a m arriage and the overall happiness of the m arriageis not the m ost portant , sex im thing in m arriage.However, sexual frustration m akes sym pathetic understanding difficult. If the couple cannot satisfy each others sexual needs then the m arriage is bound to be an unhappy one. Each has to feel from the innermost recesses of his

or her heart from the other. It has to be an act of natural love and not purely mechanical performance especially in this modern age.

VARIETY OF NEEDS One partner usually has a stronger sex drive than the other. Biological basis for the sex drive is horm onal. Horm ones are secreted into the bloodstream , sexual tension builds up, then a release is sought. The horm onal release is m ore constant in m ales, m ore cyclical in fem ales. Desired frequency m ay be different for m en than for wom en. On the average, m en seek sexual relations in m arriage 7 tim es as often as their wives. The average frequency 2-3 tim es per week; how ever, there is great variation is among couples. Social conditioning affects the sex drive. Girls are usually taught toinhibited be m ore sexually, prior to m arriage. How ever, once the w edding is over, the rules change. She is now supposed to be passionate and seductive. This adjustm ent takes tim e and patience. Early in m arriage, m en m ay feel uncertainty, aw kw ardness, excessive sexual tension, and pressure to perform . Both m en and w om en m ay feel uncertain about the inadequacies of their bodies. partner m ay feel that sex is appropriate anytim e once One they are m arried, w hile the other partner m ay have a list of inappropriate tim es (not during the day, not at a parents' hom e, not w hen the kids are awake, etc.). SEX IS COMMUNICATION Unexpressed resentm ent in any part of a m arriage often shows up in the sexual relationship. The best solution is to express feelings to each other as quickly as problem s arise. Do not let problem s build walls between you and your partner. SUCCESSFUL ADJUSTMENT M en and wom en are not the sam e in w hat they find pleasurable. Since no one can read m inds, if one w ants to be understood, it is his/her responsibility to com m unicate with his/her partner. Com prom ise and negotiation are usually needed. Sex is m ost rewarding when it is part of a caring, enduring relationship. Affection, respect, and trust are the m ost im portant parts of a good sexual relationship.Som e reasons new ly m arried couples may find it difficult to enjoy sex after m arriage are listed below : The fem ale is a virgin and finds intercourse to be uncom fortable for period of a short time. The couple has different ideas on w hat rom ance is and the effect their on it has intimate relationships. The couple is uncomfortable talking about sexuality and assumes that the other person is equipped w ith ind-reading abilities m and know s w hat the other one likes or w ants. Intim acy is only one aspect of a happy m arriage. The transition from abstinence to activity m ay be eased by: 1. Discussing intim acy w ith your parents, religious leaders, or a counselor. 2. Know your religious beliefs concerning intim acy. 3. Talk openly to your spouse about feelings and expectations. Your sexual relationship is just like other relationships som etim es it w ill be good and

som etim es it will be bad. The key to success is com m unication a desire to good and resolve problem s. If you and your spouse are unable to resolve problem s on your own, it m ay be appropriate to seek a good m arriage counselor. Discussing private details of your m arriage with parents, fam ily, or friends can cause irreparable dam age to your relationship w ith your spouse. The key to a happy and healthy intim ate relationship in m arriage is open and honest com m unication that focuses on the good and assists the relationship to m ove forw ard into a m ore positive situation for both partners. In most of the marriages sexual arena becomes a source of conflict. A conflict widely experienced but seldom voiced by couples as it is supported to be a secret and may a sign of inefficacy. During marriage, sexual adjustment is a vital point. It requires commitment, caring and practice. It takes a concerted effort on the part of both the partners to bring sexual feelings and preferences out into the open. True, no relationship can sustain the electricity of honeymoon period but a lot of personal and interpersonal work is required in the post honeymoon phase. Each person needs to take responsibility to supplement their relationship with mutual friendship, respect and caring. Both partners can embark on a self and mutual discovery of sexual feelings, choices, preferences. Schedule some private time with your partner to share your sexual experiences and feelings growing up. How did you first learn about sex? What were your initial feelings when you did? When and how did you first experience orgasm? What are your sexual fantasies? Have they changed over the years? Are you comfortable with them or not? Take turns sharing. Listen with compassion to your partner's experiences and stories. Explore stereotypes, whether each partner can say "yes" and "no" to sex without serious repercussions to the relationship, and how each takes responsibility for initiating conditions which promote and encourage sexual satisfaction in the marriage. Shedding light on sexual thoughts, feelings and fantasies helps you take charge of defining your own sexual relationship. Sharing responsibility for clarifying and developing conditions that promote romance and sexual satisfaction can strengthen your marriage. Simply taking time together to share in this way creates a space in time that says your relationship is meaningful. Attention to your marriage in this way helps give it priority in the midst of busy lives and schedules that can otherwise obscure the nourishment that a couple needs from one another. ADJUSTMENT- BALANCING WORK AND FAMILY Any working woman has to do balancing between her work and family. However, there is no single panacea for this balancing but it would vary from

situation to situation. Some of the factors which help in adjustment by way of work and family among the woman are as under:
1. Attitude of the husband:

Some husbands have traditional views on ideals of home life and marriage and are unable to accept their wives as working. In such cases, where the woman is working, it may lead to a clash of ego. If the girl wants to combine home-making and wage earning, this fact should be made clear before entering into a bond of marriage. Further, husbands should realize that the wheels of social change can neither be stopped nor turned back. Men should learn to adjust themselves to womans new found freedom of self-determination. 2. Conscious decision: Work and family balance is an on-going conscious decision. Both, husband and wife have to adhere to this conscious decision to maintain balance, so that frustration and conflict can be reduced. 3. Family goals: Family goals have to be specified and weighed against office goals. Family goals, which are more important than office goals, have to be given priority, so that adjustment equilibrium is maintained. 4. Common friends: In case, husband and wife work in separate places, it is normal that both would have a circle of friends, which is not common. If effort is made to at least get acquainted to friends of husband and wife, it would lead to a better understanding of spouse and would be helpful in adjustment.
5. Two incomes:

There should be some decisions as to how the two incomes have to be utilized. It could be by putting both incomes in joint account or buying necessities from pay of husband and luxuries from pay of wife, etc. Each couple should work out what suits them.
6. No hired help:

When there is no hired help in the house, some practical arrangement for doing house-work, preparing meals and caring of children must be evolved. Husbands must realize that their wives do equal amount of work in office, and therefore, they must contribute equally in household work. The household work must not be completely made the responsibility of the wife.

7. Values: Sometimes it can be tough to make a choice between a family and a work activity. Knowing where you stand on your values can make tough choices easier.

Communication
Communication is the key to any successful relationship and marriage is no exception. Many of us will participate in non-constructive forms of communication instead of using communication as a way to share and express positive emotions in our lives. Below are a few points on how to communicate in a marriage that are good to keep in mind in order to keep your marriage healthy and happy. Forget your assumptions - It sounds simple, however in the heat of an argument, most of us will focus on our next point or statement rather than truly listening to what our partner is saying, because we assume what their response will be. Remember that you cannot predict what your partner is going to say so for a change take the time to truly listen to what they have to say. Winning is not the goal - After a fight has begun, it is typical for us to forget about the underlying problem at hand and begin to focus on simply winning the argument. Once we remember that only the relationship can win or lose, not the individuals involved, the stakes change. Own Your Speech- Use "I" and "me" and "mine" qualifiers as often as you can to mark your words as your own, and foster a sense of competency in your counterpart. Keep it clean - You cannot take back hurtful things said during an argument therefore take a few seconds to filter your words when speaking to your spouse in the heat of the battle. If you are very upset, ask for a ten minute break to cool down and then return to have a calm conversation. Give them a break - Just because you want their socks in the hamper and not on the floor might not be the best reason to start an argument. Try and keep in mind that you plan on spending the rest of your life with them and that youre not always going to agree with each other on every issue or situation. Address the issue - If you are wondering why you want to yell at your partner about the socks on the floor, there might be an underlying issue that you need to talk about. Your relationship is worth taking ten minutes

to think about the problem and work on what the problem is and how to efficiently address it. Remember the sugar - All human beings need positive reinforcement. Dont just communicate when there is something negative to say. If your partner looks especially handsome today, let them know! Be sure to take the time to have encouraging conversations.

Conflict management
Arguments in marriage are going to happen. There is no way around it. The problem with arguing is that neither party really gets what they want. The verbal attacks go back and forth until one person cannot take any more of it and gives up. What is left are hurt feelings from the verbal abuse that both parties used as weapons. When people get into arguments their emotions run wild and many times there is no control in what is being said or felt at the time. When you have an argument that does not end in a resolution but surrender from either party, the problem still exists. The argument did not accomplish anything except add more fuel to the fire. In conflict resolution, it is important for the person who initiates the conflict to speak calmly and unthreatening to their partner. 1. Using I statements works well when bringing up a conflict. Statements such as, I feel unappreciated because I am always picking up clothes from the floor, I would like it if we could place them in the laundry basket rather than saying, You always leave all of your clothes on the living room floor and I always have to pick it up, can you just put them where they belong?. As you can see, the latter statement clearly is an attack statement. 2. Its important to try and talk about situations before they get out of hand. Many couples will hold things that make them upset so that they dont have to get into an argument but the problem is that it makes it worse when they do bring something up later on. 3. Don't generalize. When disagreeing, it's very tempting to make statements such as: "You always do that." "You're never here when I need you." "Why can't you ever help me?" Such broad sweeping generalizations can be very damaging. No one is always wrong. No one always behaves negatively. And it obscures the issue at hand, putting the accused party on the defensive. 4. Use a gentle tone of voice. 5. Find the Positive in the Moment.

Being Assertive in a marriage

Many people confuse assertive behavior with aggression, when in actuality, assertive communication can be a good tool for preventing aggressive or rude behavior. There are times in marriage when one partner may begin to feel as though they are be taken for granted, or need to express a concern about a delicate issue. Some couples feel so uncomfortable bringing up these topics that they may choose to pick a fight about it or stew silently in anger instead of communicating effectively. This is because many of us have not been taught to practice assertiveness in our daily lives, and instead remain passive, or blow up in anger. What Is Assertiveness? Assertiveness is a way that we can communicate what is on our minds in a direct and clear manner, without allowing our emotions to cloud the meaning or tone of our words. Assertiveness lets us communicate what we need and want while at the same time allowing us to build intimacy in our relationships. Assertiveness is the polar opposite of passive-aggressiveness, when individuals make snide remarks, sulk, and hope that the other person will magically figure out that they are upset about something. Assertivenesss key characteristic is directness. It should also never be confused with aggressiveness. Aggressiveness is when you state what you want in a way that belittles the other person. Assertiveness never belittles, it simply states the facts clearly. Assertive communication can be refreshing in a marriage rife with conflict caused by hurtful words or passive-aggressive communication. Sulking, manipulating and yelling never accomplish any communication goals, and they certainly dont improve a marriage. How Can I Become Assertive? Assertive communication is usually learned. Think about a person whose communicative style you admire. What do they do when faced with a problem that they need to discuss with another person? Using appropriate role models can help you learn assertiveness skills. There are also a number of books available on the subject. In the meantime, try using assertiveness combined with active listening. Active listening will make your partner feel heard. For example, perhaps your partner comes home and is upset because the car needs oil and she doesnt have time to go and get it changed. You can say, It sounds like you are crunched for time. Is there anything that I can do to help? You do not have

to take anything that she is saying personally, such as presuming that she is upset because you have not changed the oil in the car. Instead, you are giving her the chance to tell her directly what she needs from you. Empowering your spouse to use assertive language as well is also healthy for your marriage. Likewise, if you have a problem, practice stating the reason directly. You might say, I am really tired tonight, and I dont have time to change the oil on the car. I know that it needs to be changed. I will change it tomorrow when I have time and am feeling more refreshed. You have not made excuses as to why you will not do it in the future, blamed your spouse for not having done it herself, or gotten off-topic by changing the subject and asking your spouse when dinner will be ready or why the laundry is still undone. You are not sulking about the problem or yelling about it. Using I statements is important, because it puts the focus on you, not your spouse, and therefore does not set your spouse up to feel defensive about the situation. What if my spouse wants to sulk or argue? If your partner continues to be upset with you after you have made an assertive statement, at that point, your partner owns the problem. You have clearly stated how you feel and what you plan to do. If your partner is upset, there may not be much that you can do about it at that moment. What you dont want to do is slide into old comfortable patterns of arguing or accusations. You may want to simply repeat what you said and give your partner a hug or kiss. If your spouse seems determined to remain angry, distance yourself for a little while until she has cooled off. Make sure to follow through on the statement that you made.

What other communication situations can I be assertive in? Try saying no to things that you really do not have the time or interest to do without making excuses. Simply say, Im sorry, but I really dont want to go to the mall. Dont be afraid to state your opinions. I think that the smaller car would better suit our needs. This is not to say that your spouse will never argue with you about an activity or opinion, but remember that it takes two people to engage in an argument. You can continue to be assertive by making neutral, factual statements such as, I feel very bored at the mall, and I want to spend time working in the garden today. Why dont you go ahead and go, and Ill watch the kids? or The smaller car gets better gas mileage, and I am concerned about how much money we have been spending on gas. You may decide to go to the mall or buy the other car after all, but the important thing is that you have stated your wishes clearly. Of course, we dont always get what we want, but sometimes, we get what we need. Assertive communicative skills are what we all need in order to have a healthy relationship.

Gender differences in communication patterns There are slight differences in the communication and language used by men and women. Men tend to be more honest, direct and factual. Their language has more reason and logic, they show power in their talk, show off their status. They tend to compete and want to win most often. They exchange information and problem solve. They stay away from personal topics and focus more on sports, politics etc. Women communication patterns tend to be nurturing, indirect and respectful. They use more feeling words, show empathy, closeness and focus on building a rapport and relationships. They tend to want to make connections and take turns communication. Such differences could cause a problem in a marriage. How to overcome the barriers 1. Stop talking 2. Put the person at ease You cannot listen if you are Talking. Help a person feel free to talk; Create a permissive environment.

3. Show the person you want Look and act interested; listen to to listen understand, not to oppose. 4.Remove distractions Dont doodle, tap, or shuffle papers; shut the door if necessary to achieve quiet. Try to see the other persons point of view. Allow plenty of time; do not interrupt; dont start for the door or walk away. An angry person takes the wrong meaning from words. Dont put people on the defensive and criticism and cause them to clam up or

5. Empathize 6. Be patient

7. Hold your temper 8.Go easy on argument

become angry; do not even if you win, you lose 9. Ask questions

argue

10. Stop talking

This encourages a person and shows that you are listening; it helps to develop points further. This is first and last, because all other guides depend on it; you cannot listen effectively while you are talking.

Balancing Togetherness and Individuality Mutuality is one of the most important aspects of marriage success. But how do you become part of a couple while maintaining a strong sense of yourself? How do you manage your need for time together and time apart? And what do you do if you and your partner have different ideas of how much time to spend together? How much time together is enough? Is there such a thing as too much togetherness? Is there a way to maintain closeness even when your work life is especially demanding of your time and attention, perhaps including prolonged separations? Obviously, these are questions without simple answers, but research on successful marriage indicates that one key is to find the middle ground. According to David Olsen, couples who are neither too separate from one another, nor overly involved with one another are in the best position to succeed. Moderate levels of closeness are optimal. Very low or high levels of autonomy in marriage work less well. By the way, the same model applies to your relationships with your families of origin-being neither too close, nor overly distant works best. In fact, we learn our patterns of togetherness and individuality in our families of origin. Different families have different styles. Some families emphasize closeness, while others accentuate individual needs and activities. Your partner will have different expectations shaped by their family experience, so you may have to find a new balance. Its common for couples to struggle over finding the "right" balance of time spent together and apart, as well as what level of closeness to maintain with ones original family. However, your aim should be to find a cooperative rather than adversarial way to engage in this essential process. Couples may find it challenges them both personally to make changes in style as they both steer for the middle ground by moderating extreme togetherness or autonomy. This is true whether you are both from similar positions on the closeness scale or from different ends of the scale. Its

definitely worth the effort to find a path that works for both of you as a couple and for each individually, though. This is part of establishing a new identity as a member of unique partnership that wont be exactly like your familys or your partners family or that of any previous relationship. One important aspect of individuality involves relationships outside of your marriage. Women are more inclined to rely on friends or relatives, in addition to their partner, for emotional support. Men, on the other hand, tend to rely more on their partner for most of their support. So women sometimes run the risk that their partner may be upset by their degree of involvement with outsiders. Men may not have sufficient outside support during periods when their partner is less emotionally available. Social patterns that worked well for you previously may shift after marriage to take account of new needs. For example, one person was accustomed to going out on Friday nights out with co-workers to unwind, but their partner wanted to spend Friday evenings together. You may need more time for couples friends in your social schedule after marriage, but will still want to maintain relationships with single friends. Discuss social adjustments with your partner to work out a balance thats comfortable for both of you. For most couples these days the challenge is finding ways to stay close enough in the face of work and other demands. Researchers like John Gottman tell us that successful couples spend a minimum of 12 to 15 hours of non-sleep, non-TV time together each week. Daily non-stress communication (even just 10 minutes) to keep in touch with each others lives and other daily bonding rituals also promotes your sense of togetherness. When youre apart, whether just for a portion of the day or for extended business travel, how you keep in touch and how you get back together can be more important that how much time you are separated. Successful couples touch base with each other at least once or twice a day, even if for just a few minutes. They also make sure that their reunion receives some attention. Make the time and effort to renew your bond at the end of the day and at the end of the week. Develop familiar rituals that you both enjoy for reconnecting. These can be as simple as trading neck massages or enjoying a cocktail together before the TV comes on. Couples who use these reconnecting strategies can tolerate more separation while still remaining close to each other. Couples who dont reconnect can feel isolated from each other, even with less separation. In other words, its not necessarily how much you are separated, but how you manage keeping in touch and renewing your bond.

Decision-making is another realm where the tension between individuality and togetherness can be confusing for couples. If mutuality and teamwork are major factors in marriage success and happiness, how much weight should you give to your own needs and preferences relative to those of your partner? With couples marrying later, more people than ever spend a good many years living as singles after leaving their family of origin. They become accustomed to living according to their own preferences. The individualism of American life is reinforced by advertising messages, employer expectations, cultural values, etc. The longer youve been living on your own, the more you mature and develop. Maturity is obviously a plus for marriage success. But it also tends to increase your differentiation from your partner. It becomes more of a challenge to combine the lives of two highly individual people in your late twenties, than your early twenties; even more so in your thirties; and so on. In any case, few people believe that its a healthy approach to give up your individuality totally in marriage.So, how to reconcile this reality of two people with important individual needs and preferences with the imperative to operate as a team in marriage? First, be clear with yourself and your partner about your own needs and wants (and understand the difference between these), as well as, what you are will to contribute to a solution. Sometimes its just a question of getting used to talking with your partner about decisions that affect you both. For example, before marriage people are accustomed to making decisions about home dcor independently. You may find, however, that your partner will have an unexpected reaction if a new painting or piece of furniture suddenly appears in your home without prior consultation. Obviously, being a team doesnt mean that you have to agree about everything. It is important to pick your battles though. You cant get your way about every disagreement and pushing to do so can drive up your relationship negatives. Experts recommend treating differences, disagreements and individuality as a team matter to be managed together. Agree to allow your partner to be different in the ways that are most important to them. And insist on your own need to be an individual, as well as a partner, when its really important to you. Dont be tempted into adversarial positions, just because you are different from each other. Appreciate and nurture the healthy individuality of each

other. Talk together to work out the zones of autonomy and zones of togetherness in your relationship: For example, he loves fishing, but she doesn't share this interest. So he has his fishing outings with friends. She takes advantage of this time to pursue her passion for art, which he doesnt share, by visiting museums and galleries with some of her friends.