EXT. MANNIES HOUSE - MORNING The lawn is neatly manicured and trimmed. INT.

MANNIES BEDROOM - MORNING CONTINUOUS There is handsome BOYLE, a about 15 a bang at the door, MR. BOYLE, a man in his mid 50s and very distinguished, bursts in followed by MRS. pretty woman in her mid 40s, short and looks to be years old. MR. BOYLE (Singing) Oh Mango! Rise and shine! Another day and youre still... here. MANNIE BOYLE frail and thin, stands about 49, is in a full sized bed, his head under a pillow. MANNIE It's Mannie pops, remember? A bird lands on the window sill and sings. MR. BOYLE Potato, potatoe my boy, breakfast is on the table, a hearty bowl of oatmeal for our number one... boy. Mr. Boyle stares at Mannies torso inquisitively. MR. BOYLE (CONTD) Anyway, eat up. You look so... Mrs. Boyle quickly steps in front of Mr. Boyle. MRS. BOYLE Malnourished sweetie, like a stray puppy. MR. BOYLE Well then someone should call the pound. Youre no pure bred my boy. Mr. Boyle leaves murmuring. MRS. BOYLE What your father meant to say is that were going on vacation for a week so don't wait up honey. Mrs. Boyle kisses Mannies pillow, runs after her husband. Mannie sits up, brushes pillow aside.

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INSERT SERIES OF SHOTS A. THE FRAIL TORSO OF A 13 YEAR OLD, PALE AND SHIRTLESS, IS EXPOSED. B. STRINGY BROWN STRANDS OF SPARINGLY PLACED HAIR IS ON MANNIES SLIGHTLY BALDING HEAD WITH DEEP WRINKLES. C. MANNIES EYES ARE BLOOD SHOT AND CRUSTED OVER. D. HAIRS STICK OUT OF MANNIES EARS. E. MANNIES LIPS AND GUMS LOOK TO BE OOZING PUS. F. MANNIES ENTIRE FACE IS REVEALED. BIRD ON WINDOW SILL (Gruff New York accent) Holy fuck!! The bird pukes all over the window. OPENING CREDITS EXT. INT. MANNIES HOUSE - MORNING MANNIES KITCHEN - MORNING CONTINUOS

Mannie sits at his dinning room table wearing glasses and a maroon robe, reading the news paper and drinking a hot beverage, The DOORBELL RINGS. Mannie answers the door. SAM SNEAD, aged 14, has straight red hair cropped to look like some sort of psychedelic mushroom, is overweight and he dresses like a loser. He wears a pair of shorts that go just above the knees and a T-shirt that says Talk dirty to me... I'm an archaeologist He Brushes past Mannie. He begins to talk before Mannie has time to process what just happened.

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SAM Yes, it is I, the infamous Sam Snead, no doubt you've heard of me? Sam grandly waves his hands gesturing from head to toe. MANNIE Wha-SAM I'm here to show you around, walk you through the motions, I figure it's the least I can do, seeing as how you and I share the same molecular gene coding. SERIES OF SHOTS A. MANNIE STARES BLANKLY AT SAM B. SAM SMILES BACK AT MANNIE MANNIE Youre wha-SAM Thats right... (Sinister and creepy voice) Were blood cousins. MANNIE Great, so why are you here? SAM (Normal voice) Reeses pieces silly! Sam pushes his glasses back onto his face SAM (CONTD) Stick with me Mannie and youll be just fine. MANNIE Im fine now. Sam whips out a picture.

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SAM You call this fine? MANNIE What the... Where the hell did you get that?! Mannie steps backwards, he looks around the room frantically. SAM I dont want to bore you with the details so lets just say that one thing led to another and val-voom! Sam extends a picture of the bird puking on the window pane-Taken from inside Mannies room. SAM (CONTD) So shall we? Mannie stands up. MANNIE I got nothing better to do today. Sam runs outside excitedly. SAM Our subjects await us! Sam runs back inside, slaps a Hello, My Name Is Mannie Boyle tag on Mannies shirt, grabs Mannies arm and runs out in a blur. EXT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL - MORNING

Kids head into the building. INT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL MAIN HALL - MORNING CONTINUOS

Mannie and Sam walk down the hall. SAM Here we are, Local Middle School, a little slice of paradise in an otherwise drab town. MANNIE Uh... I dont know if Paradise is the typical word used to describe a public school... but then youre not so typical are you, Sam?

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SAM Youre not exactly being welcomed with open arms either my height restricted friend? Mannie notices what Sam is talking about for the first time. SLOW MOTION: A GIRL BY HER LOCKER HAS HER FACE CONTORTED INTO SHOCK AND PURE HORROR, ONE KID DROPS HIS BOOKS, MOUTH AGAPE AND POINTS, ALL AROUND THEM KIDS ARE REACTING THIS WAY. KID 1 (V.O.) Hey! Mannie snaps back to reality. KID 1 Hey, wait up spazz! C DOG, a 17 year old athletic African American 8th grader, approaches Sam from behind. SAM Quickly, execute evasive maneuver PD 44217 - A1! MANNIE Do what? SAM Run! Mannie turns to see Sam running away behind a corner. C DOG Hey bud, were you just hanging with Sam Snead? MANNIE Yeah, and you are? C DOG Call me C Dog, walk with me. Mannie and C Dog stroll casually down the hall. C Dogs arm thrown casually over Mannies neck. C DOG (CONTD) This is how it is, over there you have the popular rich kids, my crowd, over there is the jocks and airheads, good for post game parties, then the band geeks and goths...

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Mannie fidgets with his hands and looks from side to side. Mannie and C Dog come to a row of decrepit looking lockers. C DOG (CONTD) And this is youre niche. C Dog stuffs Mannie into a rusted out locker. C DOG (CONTD) If I catch you in my section again someones going to have to scrape you off the ceiling, got that MAN BOY?! MANNIES POV. Mannie watches through horizontal locker slots as C Dog walks away laughing. VOICE (O.S.) (Raspy) Outsider... Outsider... Unclean! BACK TO SCENE. Mannie is expelled from his makeshift prison by a pale and scrawny hand, Mannie tumbles out and stares at the locker for a few moments. Sam walks up from rear. SAM Thank Albion the Great! Youre OK! MANNIE Yeah, no thanks to you. Sam helps Mannie up. SAM Pish posh, it's called divide and conquer my unappreciative friend, and all went according to plan. MANNIE I just got shoved into a locker and I'm not sure but I think I was touched inappropriately while in there, how is that a plan?! SAM Oh thats just Albino Jon, he doesnt touch anyone, he must like you

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(Whispers under his breath) Lucky bastard. MANNIE Come again? SAM Nothing. Your first class is right down there, I'm on the other hall three doors down. Meet me after class and we'll nourish our bodies with the sustenance provided to us by our public school board. MANNIE So well grab lunch? Sam curtseys and nods. MANNIE (CONTD) Something about you just screams Axe murderer you know that? Sam and Mannie walk away to their respective destinations. CLOSE UP on rusty locker. ALBINO JON (O.S.) (Raspy) So beautiful, come back to me my love... (Normal voice) Hello? Anyone out there? I really need a hobby. INT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL HALL - DAY (CONTINUOUS) Mannie walks down the hall past a teachers lounge. JIM HADDON, A history teacher at Local Middle who is tall and slender and suffers from hyperhidrosis which leaves sweat stains all over his clothes, is working on a computer. The lounge is empty. JIM Hey you... Short stack, you new here? MANNIE Who me? Yeah. I guess you could say that. JIM (V.O.) (thinking to himself) OK Jim, heres a teacher that doesnt know you and all your disgusting traits... Relax and you may just be able to not completely repel this one.

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MANNIE Isnt this a teachers lounge? Where is the rest of the faculty? Jim sags. JIM They dont eat in here anymore on account of my... Never mind all that, don't be shy, come on in buddy, take a look at what I'm doing. Mannie walks over and stands in front of the desk Jim is sitting at. JIM (CONTD) Ever see a piece of ass like this? Of course you haven't... look at you. Jim turns the computer screen to face Mannie. The screen shows a picture of a hideously obvious transsexual. Mannie covers his eyes. MANNIE Whoa! My retinas just detatched, turn it off please! JIM Whoa yourself Thumbelina, have you ever even seen a mirror? Jim turns the computer back around angrily. JIM (CONTD) Think you can do better? MANNIE Better than you? No contest, I think I can manage. JIM Oh yeah? Prove it. Jim scribbles an address and hands it to Mannie. JIM (CONTD) Meet me here, 8 p.m. sharp, and bring your big boy britches...

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Jim eyeballs Mannies odd knobby knees and thin frame topped off by his aged Jack O Lantern looking head. JIM (CONTD) If you own any. The last one to strike out three times picks up the tab. MANNIE I could use a night out, only one problem, I dont drive Mr? JIM Jim, Jim Haddon, and what the hell is it Im supposed to call you? Mannie points at the tag left on his shirt by Sam. MANNIE Mannie Boyles what my parents named me. Mannie scribbles his address and hands it to Jim. MANNIE (CONTD) Heres my address. JIM You mean you dont live at Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory with the rest of the Oompa Loompas? MANNIE Only on the weekends that your father comes to visit, the fudge packers department would be lost without him. Jim laughs. JIM Youre alright, so you going to need a booster seat or anything? Jim laughs, Mannie walks out. The bell rings for lunch, Mannie walks into the crowded hall and checks his watch. MANNIE I wonder what could be keeping Sam... EXT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL/ROOF - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) C Dog has Sam by the collar. C Dog's free hand curls into a tight fist that hovers just above Sams snivelling nose. Sam shuts his eyes tightly, breathes deep and prepares for impact.

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C DOG Thought I wouldnt find you up here, huh? Ill teach you to run from your daily beatings! C Dog stuffs Sam into a dented and rusty metal trash can and slams on the lid. He kicks it over the edge, Sam SCREAMS as he careens down. INT. LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL HALL - DAY (CONTINUOUS) The hall is now deserted. MANNIE Eh, Im sure hes fine. Mannie walks away, behind him the trash can crashes to the ground. Sam spills out, tries to heave himself up and faints. EXT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT The car is moving through a deserted and dilapidated part of town. INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) Jim is in the middle of a rant. JIM And thats why I dont believe in circumcision, I mean what do you think Rabbi's do with foreskin after its been cut off? It just doesn't... Jim continues rambling. A thought bubble appears over Mannies head. EXT. THOUGHT BUBBLE SEQUENCE - DAY A crudely drawn Building with a big canvas sign announcing We Sell Foreskin". Two flamboyantly dressed Rabbis walk in to the building talking and walk out seconds later chewing vigorously. PAN OUT: Reveal the rest of the sign which reads We Sell Foreskinsky Brand Gum! Thought bubble poofs away.

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INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT JIM Snap out of it sunshine, were here. MANNIE Lets get this over with. EXT. LOCAL DIVE BAR - NIGHT Jims car is parallel parked just outside the door. INT. LOCAL DIVE BAR - NIGHT (MOMENTS LATER) Jim and Mannie sit on stools at bar. Jim signals to JOE THE BARTENDER, A well built homosexual mans man in his late twenties. JOE THE BARTENDER What will you guys have? JIM A high ball for me and for my new friend here a low ball so he can reach it. MANNIE This from the man who always looks like he's melting, Was your mom REALLY the Wicked Witch of the West? JIM I suffer from hyperhidrosis, thanks for that soul crushing blow though, AND MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT! Joe clears his throat. MANNIE Yeah, sorry... A raspberry daiquiri for me please... Virgin JOE THE BARTENDER So a Highball for Leaky Larry and a Virgin for the virgin? Got it. The lights in the bar goes out. A side door bursts open, Its MR. YO, Chinese owner of Local Convenience Store, Flamboyant 32 year old male. Lover to Joe the Bartender. JOE THE BARTENDER (CONTD) If you don't turn on my god damn power I will break you into pieces like the cheap Chinese porcelain you are!

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MR. YO As soon as you answer one question, how many white men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. JOE GLARES AT MR. YO. B. MR. YO GLARES BACK. MR. YO (CONTD) Just one, you people will screw anything!! Mr. Yo dashes off in a flurry of flailing arms and high pitched sobs. Joe takes off after him. JOE THE BARTENDER Baby wait! Jim polishes off his drink. JIM No worries, this is normal but we better leave before they start... Jim is interrupted by a RHYTHMIC THUDDING which steadily grows louder and more frantic. JIM (CONTD) Their reconciliation. Jim and Mannie throw a few dollars onto the bar and run out before the money even has a chance to settle. INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT (LATER) Jim notices a HOOKER, A fat and toothless woman in a mini skirt thats not wearing shoes but has a teddy bear back pack, walking down the road. Jim pulls over towards the hooker. JIM Are you working or on a break? HOOKER Working sweetie, you paying and were playing. What do you say?

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JIM Drop the P and Im in. HOOKER Drop the P in what? JIM (Suddenly angry) In P-shut the hell up and get in the damn car thats what... You think I like this? You think I enjoy the kind of soul depleting agony it takes to stop a woman such as yourself only to have to negotiate the price of my dwindling self worth? Get in the freaking car street rat! MANNIE (Cutting in) Please excuse my friend here, he doesnt do this often. I think that was supposed to be a joke, right Jim? Jim tugs his collar. Smiles nervously. JIM Yeah, A joke... Thats me, Im a joker, ha ha, funny see? HOOKER Umm... OK, Well fifteen dollars will get you a half and ha-Jim puts his fingers to her lips. JIM Shh Shh Shh... Money is no object, Im a middle school teacher, and I don't really know this little guy too well... Jim points at Mannie. JIM (CONTD) But by the looks of him Id say Uncle Sam's cutting the little bugger some pretty big disability checks. MANNIE Count me out. HOOKER Too bad, could have been fun but whatever you want, got a smoke?

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Jim hands over a half smoked cigarette from the ash tray. JIM Call that a good faith deposit. The hooker gets in the car. MANNIE You know I never thought Id see a real life Gummy Bear. Talk about a toothless beast. HOOKER It helps my career. Its kind of like BarB-Qing. MANNIE Hows that? HOOKER (Winks) Clients like it better when you just let the meat slide around on the grill. Mannie cringes, holding back the vomit that tries to spray from his mouth. JIM So... Do you like history? HOOKER Role playings going to cost ya extra. Jim slams the break. JIM Get out. Hooker shrugs and exits. MANNIE Whatd you do that for? She looked cheap enough for your tastes. JIM She thought I'd role play sex as an important figure from history, the nerve. MANNIE I dont follow.

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JIM Could you imagine George Washington or Ross Pierrot doing to their lovely wives what I planned on doing to that woman? A thought bubble appears. INT. THOUGHT BUBBLE/JIMS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Jim's empty living room has protective plastic on the floor. A single bulb lights the area. A chef's hat, apron on a coat rack and a slow moving mechanical bull are the sole pieces of furniture. The bulls saddle is slathered with gobs of strawberry jelly dripping sluggishly to the plastic below. Thought bubble poofs away INT. JIMS 1988 YUGO - NIGHT MANNIE (Shuddering) Youre depraved. EXT. MANNIES HOUSE - NIGHT (A LITTLE LATER) Mannie exits Jims car and waves good bye as he leaves. A car comes around the top of the street, blaring rock and roll and building speed. Mannie watches its approach. MANNIE What now? The car barely slows down as a senior wearing a visor that says 'Sr' throws an old tape recorder. It hits Mannie in the head and begins to play "Short People" by Randy Newman. MANNIE (CONTD) Oh well, could be worse. A clap of thunder is heard. Mannie looks up and sticks his hand out to check for rain. The same car filled with the high school seniors speed by once more dousing Mannie in dirty puddle water instead. MANNIE (CONTD) I stand corrected. Mannie drops the tape recorder and walks to his house. ELIZA; A brunette woman in her mid 30's with a thin waist and big hips, flags Mannie down.

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ELIZA Hey sweetie, you dropped something! Mannie turns around. Eliza notices the weird looking little man but she barely even reacts. ELIZA (CONTD) Oh... youre different. Mannies eyes are wide and star struck. MANNIE And youre beautiful. ELIZA Well aren't you just cutest thing on two legs, What's your name darlin'? MANNIE I'm Mannie Boyle. ElIZA I'm Eliza sweetie, and I like the cut of your jib. Call me sometime. Eliza winks and walks away. Mannie smiles to himself. MANNIE Looks like someone owes me a drink. The car full of seniors speeds by once more, the senior leans out of the car window and dumps an orange slushy all over Mannies head.