DEALING WITH PERFECTIONISM AND CONTROL

Key Principles Having positive expectations and encouraging contribution Establishing rules and routines Learning to observe yourself Having fun

EPISODE 9

athon and eight-year-old Miranda. Esther values family closeness and wants to establish ways for her children to contribute to the family. She also wants the three of them to spend time together each day doing something enjoyable. To encourage the childrens contribution and ensure that activities are appealing, Esther is working on being less of a perfectionist.

MEET... Esther, six-year-old Jon-

Having positive expectations and encouraging contribution .........

Establishing rules and routines ........

In Episode 4,when Juanita expressed surprise that Devante had not had any warnings at school during the week, we learned that it is important not to communicate negative expectations. When a parent expresses the belief that a child is competent and will do well, the odds go up that in fact the child will do well. Part of being encouraging is having reasonable age-appropriate expectations. If we expect children to perform to adult standards, we will probably be disappointed. If we are, children will pick up on our disappointment and become discouraged. In Episode 3, we saw how Tara skillfully took over potato peeling without making Anthony feel bad about himself. Encouraging contribution focuses on the childs efforts. Expecting perfection undermines a childs confidence. When a parent accepts that things might not get done perfectly, the child will feel competent and encouraged to participate in family life. In Episode 5 we learned that rules and routines give children a sense of control over their lives by helping them know what to expect. Following reasonable rules and routines also fosters a sense of family by creating an order that accommodates the needs of all the family members, children and adults alike. Routine group activities like preparing meals, cleaning up, and playing games create a sense of order and family unity that builds mutual respect and appreciation. By now you have met many parents in this series who were able to improve difficult relationships with their children by turning their focus away from their children and onto themselves. They observed themselves critically and saw how their own behav33

Learning to observe yourself ....

Episode 9: Dealing with Perfectionism and Control

ior was encouraging their childs misbehavior. Then, by changing their own habits and responses, they saw improvements in their relationships with their children, and in their childrens behavior and attitudes. Another important aspect of observing yourself involves looking at attitudes, like perfectionsism, that can be discouraging to children. Few people ever achieve perfection, and those who try often pay a high price. To expect perfection from children is both unfair and dangerous. Its unfair because children are not able physically or cognitively to perform to adult standards. And dangerous because the sense of failure at not having performed to an adult standard is discouraging. Remember, discouragement breeds misguided efforts to be influential in the family. It also squelches childrens natural curiosity and drive to understand and participate in lifes activities.

Having fun ...........

In episodes 1 and 3, we saw how taking and making time to have fun helps build your relationship with your child and develop mutual respect. Having fun can be spontaneous, like when Tara and Anthony turn peeling potatoes into a game. Or it can be deliberately organized, as it is in this episode where Esther wants to create a sense of family through shared activities. When planning organized fun, make sure activities are something children enjoy and want to do. It is easy to impose adult ideas and standards of fun and try to control how an activity unfolds. When we impose and control in this way, the stage can be set for uncooperative kids and ensuing power struggles.

A CLOSER LOOK...
Applying key principles in this episode ..........
Having positive expectations and encouraging contribution .........

The Chefs Way In spite of Jonathon and Mirandas initial resistance to helping prepare dinner, they both join in enthusiastically. Esther has consciously decided to let the children organize supplies and utensils themselves because she realizes they are capable of the thinking and planning required. In the past, she did the organizing ahead of time to make meal preparation easier on herself. Now, she has stepped back to give them an opportunity to learn new skills and build their confidence. As a result, Miranda gets out the pots she needs in preparation. When Esther sees that different pots might work better, she doesnt criticize Miranda. Instead, she asks questions that make Miranda rethink her plan, and Miranda switches the pots on her own. When Jonathon announces that he is going to prepare the hamburger the chefs way, Esther is interested in and positive about this possibility. Jonathon demonstrates his technique and Esther encourages him further by turning the activity into a bit of a game. Esthers encouraging and flexible approach to dinner preparations let the children know she appreciates their

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Episode 9: Dealing with Perfectionism and Control

contribution and believes they can live up to her positive expectations. In addition to her flexibility, Esther showed the children she had positive expectations when she moved forward with dinner preparations despite Jonathons initial No! and Mirandas Why?

Establishing rules and routines .........

From Cooking and Clean-Up to Games Esther has established a pleasant, orderly evening routine that both children clearly understand. Despite some difficulties with the rules for eating dinner and some disagreements about game-playing, the predictability of the evening routine seems to sit well with the children. Both children cooperatively help prepare dinner, set the table and clean up. During dinner clean-up, Jonathon talks about the game he wants to play that evening, clearly anticipating a predictable part of the evening routine that he looks forward to. With so many things going well, though, why does Jonathon challenge the rules about eating? Esther has expressed concern that Jonathon is small for his age, and she wants to be sure he eats well. As a result, she probably unintentionally communicates to Jonathon that this is an area she is less firm about than others. Even though Esther has removed Jonathons plate in the past when he gets up from the table during mealtime, she doesnt follow through with this consequence consistently. In this case, she warns and reminds several times, and he takes advantage of her lack of follow-through by continuing to push the limit.

Learning to observe yourself................

Perfection, Perschmection If encouragement is the food that grows positive, happy, and competent children, perfectionism is a poison. The fear of being imperfect discourages children from participating fully in lifes activities. Esther struggles with perfectionism and does not want to pass it on to her children. By observing herself closely and catching herself before she imposes her standards on her children, she can create an encouraging environment for them. When Esther realizes that Jonathons cheese cutting is not up to her standards, she still tells him what a great job he is doing. Later, when she points out that he is doing a haphazard job of cleaning cheese off the cutting board, she backs off quickly and goes about her business. Esther can also let the children know that imperfection is okay by commenting out loud when she herself does something that isnt quite right, like when she used the hand towel to wipe off the table. Game-playing offers another opportunity to resist perfectionsim: Esther can work with Jonathon and Miranda to come up with their own rules for the Harry Potter game that is so complicated. Inventing their own rules will let them know that not everything has to be done according to someone elses plan and will encourage their creativity.

Episode 9: Dealing with Perfectionism and Control

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Having fun ..........

Spontaneous or Plannned, There Are Always Opportunities Esther and Jonathons evening starts out with a good dose of spontaneous fun when Esther capitalizes on Jonathons chefs way of cooking. By encouraging Jonathon to follow through on and extend his own ideas in a playful way, Esther sends Jonathon an important message: You have good ideas, so good in fact your idea made me think of a good idea too. Later in the evening, Miranda, Jonathon and Esther all have fun with Jonathons inventive Pet Store activity. Its interesting to note that perhaps the evenings least fun attempt at having fun is during organized game-playing. Arguing and competitiveness crops up between the children as they perhaps try to gain power in their relationships with Esther and each other. As Esther becomes firmer about ending a game that is not going well and showing the children that she is willing to give up her cherished family time, they will undoubtedly come around since they clearly do enjoy spending time with Esther.

Action Guidelines from This Episode Have reasonable standards and avoid perfectionism. Show confidence in childrens abilities. Dont feel sorrry for children when enforcing rules. Offer fun, but dont insist on it.

YOUR TURN .......

What would you do?
1. Having children participate in cooking and clean-up are good ways to encourage them to contribute to the family. Working on these kinds of tasks together also helps build the relationship as children develop a sense of belonging from the shared work. Pick one age-appropriate activity this week where your child can make a contribution. Be sure to tell your child you appreciate her contribution. Watch to see if her sense of belonging and contribution spill into other activities and make her more cooperative. 2. Are you doing things for your child that she can do for herself, because it is easier or faster for you? Pick one activity or task where youre doing this and let your child have a try. Remember, she might not do it perfectly, but she will develop new skills and confidence. 3. The next time your child fusses about helping with a task, move forward yourself and assume that she will participate and enjoy herself. Watch to see if the fussing diminishes.

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Episode 9: Dealing with Perfectionism and Control