• Doctor: Take this drug. Evidence says this will improve your chance of survival.

Patient: How?
Doctor: According to studies, 9 out of 10 who take this drug die. My 9 patients have died,
and you're the tenth patient to take it, so you will live.

• Doctor to Patient, "I have a bad news and a very bad news. Which one would you like to
hear first?"
Patient, "Let’s start with the bad news.”
Doctor, "Well, The lab results say you have 24 hours to live."
Patient, "That's terrible! What can be worse than that?"
Doctor, "Well, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday

• Patient: "Doc when I drink my tea I always feel a pain in my right eye."
Doctor: "Next time remove the spoon before you drink your tea."

• There was a woman who went to the doctor's with a terrible pain in her head. After
examining her and ringing test he called her in and said, "I'm sorry, but you've got an
incurable disease and you're going to die in six months". The woman was aghast and
said, "Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?" "Yes", the doctor said, on reflection.
"Marry a lawyer. It’ll be the longest six months of your life."

• During a 1st-year MBBS practical gross anatomy examination: A specimen of the uterus
is kept for discussion and the student is unable to identify it. The examiner gives him a
clue. Examiner: "Man, this is something that neither you nor I have." Student: "It's a
brain, Sir!!

• A patient went to the doctor with the following complaint: "Doctor, every time I drink a
cup of tea I have an urgent desire to urinate before I finish the cup." The doctor did an
ECG (EKG), looked at it, and shook his head knowingly. "Here's your
problem...premature P after the T."

• A patient with severe laryngitis and a very raspy and almost inaudible voice goes to the
ENT doctor's house and rings the doorbell. The doctor's wife answers and asks, "Yes?"
So the guy asks in a very low voice, "Is the doctor at home?" and she says: "No...Come
on in."

• A 55-year-old woman goes to the doctor. She tells him that she and her husband have had
a very good sex life, but recently he has not been interested. She is told to slip him a pill
just before dinner and await the results. Two days later the doctor sees the woman
walking along the street with her coat collar drawn over her head. He stops her and asks
if the pills went OK. She says they were wonderful. "We sat down to a candlelit dinner,
after the surreptitious administration of the pill. After about 10 minutes he ripped the
table cloth from the table, pushed any dishes around onto the floor, and had me. It was

Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565

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drmiten@gmail.com
 delicious." The doctor asked her, "Why, then, are you walking around like this?"
"Because, it all happened in the restaurant over there!"

• The doctor tells a man he has 12 hours to live. The man goes home and tells his wife, who
wails "Oh, what are we going to do?" He says, "I want to go back to that little restaurant
we went to on our first date. I want to dress up and recreate the moment." They went out
and had an incredibly romantic evening, came home, and made love. After a short while
the man says, "That was wonderful; let's make love again." "Oh, easy for you to say,"
she says, "but I have to get up in the morning."

• A patient comes into his doctor's office and says "Doctor, Doctor! What does this
mean?? I remember what happened 30 years ago, but I can't remember what happened
yesterday! What does it mean, Doctor?" The Doctor replies: "It means you pay your bill
before you leave today."

• The doctor asked the patient if he had been staying on his low- cholesterol diet. The
patient replied that he had been eating so many vegetables that yesterday he was sitting on
the back porch and his body started leaning toward the sun.

• After reviewing her history, exam, and ultrasound report, the new, young doctor informed
his patient, "I recommend your gallbladder be removed." In a rather condescending way,
she replied: "WELL, young man, I want another opinion!" Doctor: "You do?" Patient:
"Absolutely!" Reluctantly, the doctor replied, "Well, okay. I think you're ugly, too."

• Two surgeons were talking frankly to each other and the first one says: Doc 1: Well, to be
honest with you, I feel like I am a semi-God. Doc 2: I don't remember having created you.

• A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man,
"Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble,
drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done
any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be
a hundred for?"

• A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very
severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he
is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard
day. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And, most
importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every
whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife.” What did
the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied

• Mr. Jones, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we are
going to give your heart a body transplant....

Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565

mitenmehta2003@yaho0.co.in
drmiten@gmail.com
• A man walked in to see the doctor. He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear
and a banana in his right ear and says: "Doctor, what is wrong with me?" The doctor
takes on look at him and says, "It's obvious. You're not eating properly."

• A young cardiologist does a lengthy auscultation on a patient on the evening before his
cardiac operation. The cardiac surgeon approaches, looks on for a while then comes
forward saying: "Listen young man, the heart is a pump and no music box!"

• Doctor: Mr. Smith, I have two things to tell you. Both are bad. Mr. Smith: Yes, Doctor?
Doctor: The first one is that you have cancer. Mr. Smith:!?!?!?!?!? Doctor: The second
one is that you have Alzheimer's disease. Mr. Smith: Well Doctor, at least I don't have
cancer!

• As a medical student taking a medical history, I asked a young woman if she was sexually
active. Her response, after pausing for several seconds to consider the question, was "No.
My boyfriend does all the work."

• Internist: Tell me about this pain in your belly Mr. Morton. Is it intermittent or constant?
Is it sharp or dull? Does it radiate? Morton: Does it what? Internist: Does it radiate...I
mean, does it stay in the same place or does it move around? Morton: Well, it moves
around of course. Goes everywhere I go. Fact is, it's here with me now!

• Five doctors went duck hunting one day. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The
first to react was the GP, who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure
it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by
that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared. This time, the pediatrician drew
a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sight. He said,
"Besides, it might have babies. I'll have to do some more investigating," he muttered, as
the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed
psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared
while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time
the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun
and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will
you?"

• General Surgeon to patient, morning after surgery: Surgeon: Mr. Jones, we have some
good news and some bad news. Mr. Jones: Give me the bad first, Doc. Surgeon: We made
a grave mistake and amputated your right leg instead of your left. Mr. Jones: Oh my
gosh!! So what could the good news be? Surgeon: Your left leg seems to be getting better.

• A vet tells a man that his dog is dead. The man demands a second opinion. The vet brings
out a cat. The cat walks all around the body and says, "Meow". The vet then brings in a
black Labrador. The Lab paws the body, sniffs, and barks, “Woof." The vet says "They
agree with my diagnosis." The man asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.
That's $50 for my diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab tests."

• I once asked an old lady in hospital with a bleeding duodenal ulcer if her bowels opened
daily. She replied, "Yes, Doctor, and close nightly!"

Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565

mitenmehta2003@yaho0.co.in
drmiten@gmail.com
• A man arrives at the pearly gates, where he is given a Mao Zedong-type suit. St. Peter is
wearing one, too, and everybody seems to be wearing one, except one person in a white
coat. After several days of puzzlement, the man goes back to St. Peter and asks about this
singular person in a white coat. St. Peter explains: "Oh, don't worry about him. He's only
God, but he thinks he's a doctor!"

• Patient (for surgery): "Doctor, is the surgery going to be painful?" Surgeon: "Of course
not. I've done it many times and didn't feel a thing."

• What is every surgeon's dream?

1. To operate as well as he thinks he does.
2. To earn as much money as everyone else thinks he does.
3. To have as many affairs as his wife thinks he does

• How can you hide a $100 bill from a traumatologist, surgeon, plastic surgeon, and an
internist?
Traumatologist: Put it inside the medical record.
Surgeon: Put it in a surgery textbook.
Plastic surgeon: Forget about it; he'll find it anywhere.
Internist: Don't worry -- he doesn't even know they exist.

• An anesthesiologist has a stock answer to the usual question asked by presurgical

patients: "How much will the anesthesia cost?" "Oh, about $100. $1 to go to sleep and
$99 for waking up. Most patients buy the whole package."

• A young couple brought their baby to the Neurology Department saying he was having
seizures. They described these in great detail, noting staring episodes followed by
contraction of the facial muscles and fists, with occasional vocalizations. After extensive
testing revealed no abnormalities, the baby was admitted for observation. When the
parents reported he was having his typical seizure, the staff rushed in to see. They were
able to give the worried parents the following diagnosis: "Your baby is defecating."

• Mrs. Antigen and Mr. Antibody went out on a date. After dinner, he invited her upstairs.
She replied to him: "Mr. Antibody, could you be more specific?"

• Four surgeons went on a balloon trip, intending to cross the Netherlands from East to
West. After a good start, the wind changed and blew them in the exact opposite direction.
After crossing a beach, sea and another beach, they knew they were flying somewhere
over the United Kingdom. The wind didn’t allow them to land, but when passing over a
rural area they spotted a man walking on a small road. They shouted to draw his
attention, and asked him where they were. The man looked upwards, and without
speaking a word, started to take notes, even took some Polaroid’s, which he studied for a
few moments, walking along with the flying balloon. Then he said: "I can definitely say
that you're in a hot air balloon." "Just our luck," one of the surgeons mumbled. He
leaned over the rim of the basket and shouted: "Let me guess, you're a neurologist."
"Correct," the man answered, "but how do you know?" "Because your information was
very exact, but completely useless in practical situations!"

• A patient in a doctor's waiting room said to the person seated next to him "May I see the
doctor first, I think rigor mortis is setting in."
Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565
mitenmehta2003@yaho0.co.in
drmiten@gmail.com
• Man goes to the doctor to get some tests done. A while later the doctor comes out of the
lab without a smile. The patient says, "What's the matter, doc? Is it bad? How long have I
got to live?" The doctor says, "10." The patient says, "What do you mean? 10 months, 10
weeks?" The doctor says, "9, 8, 7, 6...."

• A guy consults a doctor for an abscess in his finger. The doctor says, "Well, you'll have to
dip your finger daily in cold water". Several days later the patient goes back to the doctor,
and says rather angrily, "Doctor, you told me to dip my finger in cold water, and that did
not make it any better. My wife advised me to keep my finger in warm water, and it seems
to be getting better". "I'm positive", replied the doctor, "my wife says it should be cold
water."

• While on my OB/Gyn clerkship, the following occurred. A 20 year old woman came in
complaining of abdominal pain. We worked her up and she had a positive pregnancy test.
After informing her, she was dumbfounded. Patient: That's impossible. We used birth
control. Doctor: Condoms? Birth control pills? Patient: Both! The only problem was that
my boyfriend read the birth control pill insert. After seeing all the side effects, bleeding,
etc. he told me, "honey, all these side effects?! I don't want you taking these pills. I'll take
them for you." Hmmm... Wonder what went wrong?

• A young enthusiastic doctor in an infertility clinic was taking a detailed history from an
infertile couple. When it came to the past history he seriously inquired if there was any
history of infertility in either of their parents!

• After scheduling a 60 year old gentleman for a hernia repair he said, "I just want you to
know I use a recreational drug." Thinking he may be an old hippie or such, I asked what
it was. The reply: "Viagra!"

• Mr. and Mrs. Carrot were walking down the street when a truck jumped the curb and ran
over Mrs. Carrot. She was rushed to a trauma center and taken to surgery. Finally an
exhausted surgeon comes out and says “Mr. Carrot, your wife is alive but, I'm sorry, she
will be a vegetable for the rest of her life."

• Doctor to patient on Psychiatric Ward: "Do you know where you are?" Patient: "I'm
right here?"

• The doctor says to the newly arrived patient, "Quickly, take all your clothes off, stand in
front of the window, and stick out your tongue." The man asks, "Why should I do that
doc?" So the doctor answers, "Because I'm mad at my neighbor!!"

• A vet came into the surgery last week, and I asked him all the usual questions. After about
five minutes of this he said, "I don’t have to do all this with my patients, I just take one
look at them and treat them." I said, "OK, if you would just like to stand up and turn
around a few times." He did this and I wrote him a prescription. As I handed it to him I
said, "Of course, if this doesn’t work we'll have to have you put down!"

Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565

mitenmehta2003@yaho0.co.in
drmiten@gmail.com
• Sign in the obstetrics ward of a hospital: "Research shows that the first five minutes of
life can be most risky." Underneath someone had scrawled: "The last five minutes aren’t
so great either."

• An English anesthesiologist was on a Pan-Am trans-Atlantic air flight. He had had a

couple of gins before the meal, and some wine with dinner, and was settling down
comfortably for some sleep, when an announcement came over the cabin speakers -- "Is
there an anesthesiologist on board? Please identify yourself to the cabin crew." He
thought about it briefly, but decided he had had too much alcohol to respond ethically,
and felt that in a jumbo jet there would be someone else to answer an emergency call. A
couple of minutes later, another call came over: "We REALLY need an anesthesiologist;
is there one on board?" He struggled with his conscience, but the alcohol issue inhibited
him, and his medical malpractice insurance really did not cover him on what was
essentially US territory. Five minutes later, a desperate-sounding stewardess announced,
“We have an emergency in first class, and only an anesthesiologist can help. Please,
please identify yourself to the crew if you are one." Reluctantly, he stood up and spoke to
a steward, and was rushed along the plane from the economy, through the up market
business class to the luxury of first class, where several worried stewardesses were
clustered anxiously around an angry and distraught man. The anesthesiologist was
introduced to the chief stewardess who said, "Thank God you are here, doctor! We have a
serious emergency. This gentleman is a surgeon, and we can't adjust his reading light to
his satisfaction!"

• "Findley," intoned the professor to the hapless medical student in anatomy class, "how
would you characterize the differences between the human male and female?" "Well, I
suppose I would say first of all that there is a vas deferens between them!"

• I was once consulted on an elderly woman to make a determination of competency. At one

point in the interview, I paused to consider what had been thus far gleaned. The student
with me asked the patient, "Have you ever felt confused?" Amused at the question, I was
about to comment on it to the student when the patient answered, "Well, doctor, I'm not
sure..."

• THE FOUR LAWS OF DERMATOLOGY

1. if it is wet, dry it.

2. If it is dry, wet it.
3. If in doubt, put steroids on it.
4. but whatever you do, by God, don’t touch it!

• A frantic woman came into the doctor's office and exclaimed, “Doctor, doctor, you've
got to help me! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, and I’m a wigwam!" The doctor
calmly replied: "Relax, ma'am. You're just two tents

Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565

mitenmehta2003@yaho0.co.in
drmiten@gmail.com
 •
A GUIDE TO EFFECTIVE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNICATION
(Common statements in the literature, and what they really mean.)

• It has long been known: I haven't bothered to look up the reference

• It is believed: I think
• It is generally believed: A couple of other guys think so too
• It is not unreasonable to assume: If you believe this, you'll believe anything
• Of great theoretical importance: I find it kind of interesting
• Of great practical importance: I can get some mileage out of it
• Typical results are shown: The best results are shown
• 3 samples were chosen for further study: The others didn't make sense, so we ignored
them
• The 4 hour sample was not studied: I dropped it on the floor
• The 4 hour determination may not be significant: I dropped it on the floor, but scooped
most of it up
• The significance of these results is unclear: Look at the pretty artifact
• It has not been possible to provide definitive answers: The experiment was negative, but
at least I can publish the data
• Correct within an order of magnitude: Wrong
• It might be argued that: I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now
raise it
• Much additional work will be required: This paper is not very good, but neither are all
the others in this miserable field
• These investigations proved highly rewarding: My grant is going to be renewed
• I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions on the
interpretation of the data: X did the experiment and Y explained it to me

Dr. Miten P. Mehta 94269 68565

mitenmehta2003@yaho0.co.in
drmiten@gmail.com