Open on a coffee shop in northern California.

A writer (Daniel) sit at a table furiously typing while taking sips of a tall cup of coffee. Across the way a man in a Hawaiian shirt (Joe) sits leaning back in his chair and staring at Daniel. After a few seconds Joe gets up to sit at Dans table.

D- Can I help you? J- I certainly hope so, whatcha doing there? D- working, something it would seem you dont know too much about. J- I try to avoid doing work if at all possible, I used to be very involved in my job. It never seemed to do me any good. I find that over involvement in your work leads to decisions made in anger. D- Im sorry, Im very busy. Was there something I could do for you? J- Youre Daniel Yorshire right? d- last I checked J- and you write the opinion column in the Northern California review. d- yes, and if you have a complaint you need to take it up with my editor. Not corner me in while Im trying to enjoy my coffee. J- quite the opposite, I enjoy your work a great deal. I was hoping that you could do an interview for me. Kind of a local celebrity piece. D-i dont really have the time buddy, You can go down to the paper, put in a request and get an intern. Just like everybody else. J- I dont want an intern, Ive looked long and hard and I want you to write this. I think you have more insight than you give yourself credit for. D- I give myself plenty of credit. Just who the hell are you? J- again, its quite the opposite, and theres no such thing as hell. Why are you all so fucking obsessed with some underground, badly lit, torture chamber with the climate of Arizona? D- what the fuck are you talking about? Whats your name. J- I have many names, Elohim, yahwweh, Jehovah. But you can call me Joe. D- Ok Im done! Are you trying to tell me that you think your god? J- No. I think Im Joe, Humans think Im god. I hate that word. Its all hard consonance. Why did you all choose god? Why not bulbgo ahead say it, it rolls off the tongue. Bulb, bulb, bulb-

D- You have to leaveJ-bulb d- now! J- Bulb D- Im calling the cops. J- ok look, I can understand you being skeptical, you people have a real problem with faith. On both sides. D- Both sides? J- Either you have no interest in believing what you have no proof of. Or you hold on so intently to those beliefs that even when your faced with evidence to the contrary you still believe with all your might. Theres no middle ground with you. D- so what we should belive in god but only as long as we have no evidence that there is no god? J- Is that so difficult, you used to think that mice sprung from dirty rags and that the world was flat, but as when you figured out that even mice fuck and the world doesnt have a shelf built into it. You realigned your thinking. Why you cant apply the same logic to me and my work Ill never know. D- Youll never know? I thought you were all knowing? J- I know a lot more than you, comparatively I do know everything, its kind of like the difference between what you know about Chaucer and what your beagle does. You dont know everything. But at least you can comprehend the idea.your max in this analogy. d- how did you know I have a beagle named max? J-Im bulb Chris. d- Wow.I meanshit.. J- also you have a picture of you and him as your background on your laptop. But mostly that first thing. D- fine, Im leaving. J- ok,ok, wait. What if I told you something no one else knows? D- shoot, crazy A barrista (Kate) walks up Kate- Is joey here bothering you Dan?

D- oh no, he was just, talking about writing with me. K- You know joe, dan is a very famous writer. He writes for the Nor cal Review. J- and hes easily swayed by people that can read dog tags. K-ok, well you boys just let me know if you need anything. Im really glad my two favorite customers are getting along. Kate leaves and returns to the counter to do barrista things J- your in love with kate D- what? J- I told you I would tell you something that no one else knows, you got it bad Danni boy, why dont you just ask her out? D- Im not in love with her, I mean she is really nice, and she reads my column, and shes very smart, anJ- ya your right, your luke warm on the girl. No you love her, I can tell. Your throbbing love boner is practically lifting the table. D- Look I really dont have to sit her and take this abuse. Im leaving. J- oh come on Dan, if Kate likes me I cant be all bad right. D- does kate know that you think your fucking divine? J-Noactually youre the first person in a long time that Ive opened up to. Im having a dr. phil moment with you and your trying to run away so you can go home and masturbate before your roommate gets home. D- How the hell do you know these things? j- actually that was a joke D- fuck you! Enjoy being a lunatic. J- ok, hold on. Im sorry, tell you what let me say what I have to say. You write it all down on your Lappy 5000 and when its all said and done I promise you, I will find a way to make kate fall in love with you. You have my word on that. D- Im not convinced. J- Come on, even if I am a crazy old man, Kate thinks Im great. I can be your in. all Im asking is that you sit and listen for a while. so its not a complete waste of time coffees on me. Come on you know your more than a little curious.

D-fine, but I reserve the right to get up and leave whenever I want. J- fair enough. But I warn you, this gets a little dark. D- darker than capitulating to a madman in the interest of getting a date with a girl? J- no your right, your thing is sadder. Daniel takes out a recording device and sets it on the table. After pluging it into his laptop he places it in between him and Joe. D- so what do you want to talk about? J- you are really bad at this arent you? Your suppose to ask the questions. Its the crux of the interviewer, interviewee relationship. You would think that that would be some first day stuff at Berkley. Daniel- fine, lets start at the beginning. Did you really create the Earth and the Heavens in 7 days? Joe- I only created the Earth, for some reason you guys added the heavens part. D-So then how did the heavens get there? J- How is that important? Tell you what, when you got things here on earth figured out then we can start in on the infinitely more complex, heavens. D-Fine then, did it really take you 6 days to complete and on the 7th day you rested? J-Are you asking me if I spent 6 days really getting things done on the world, you know rolling up my sleeves , putting dirt to ocean, and when I was done I spent a whole day eating nibbles and watching all the Jersey Shore I had TiVoed?.....No that didnt happen. D- Then how did it happen? J- I had Survivor TiVoed D- You see, its things like this that make me sure theres no way your who you say you are! J- Its appointment television Daniel. D- Fuck me.finemoving on. What about the Middle East? Did you actually leave that area to a certain group of people? J- Sure, why not? I forewent the lush jungles, sprawling hills, fertile landscapes, and every generally more hospitable place on the fucking planet, and said: My people will live in the middle of the desert. Which conveniently happens to be one of the most resource rich areas of the world? Look despite what you may think about me taking a role in things. For the most part if you want to know if its my will or mans all you have to ask is who stands to gain, the many or the few? Do you really think that I give a

shit who lives where, who fucks who, which direction you pray in or where? If theres one fucking being in the universe that doesnt need to have his ego stroked off its me. D- Bullshit! If god didnt care about being praised he wouldnt have churches and mosques erected in his honor, you cant sit there and tell me that prayer is an invention of man! J- No, I fucking love me some prayer. Getting to hear from my children is my single greatest joy. Its the worship I take issue with. D- Then why have us kneel to talk to him? Why have us debase ourselves in order to commune, if its such a joy? J- The kneeling is for you not me. D- How?! J- Because whether youre a junkie or the queen of England, I love you all equally, not one more than the other. The kneeling isnt for you to debase yourself before me, its so that you never forget that you are equal to everyone else on their knees. D- Why give us these lofty goals? Why hold us to such a high standard? Why give us free will if you think were squandering it so? J-Dan, have you ever had a woman dress up sexy for you, Or do something extra kinky just for you? D- What?....I..I really dont see how thats any of your business J- I already know the answer. D- Then why ask? J- I was giving you a chance to lie. D- Im getting very close to leaving. J- at any rate if you tell them everything to do its really no better than beating off, your just masturbating with a partner. If they do it of their own accord then it means something. Only then is it an expression of desire and love and not just a way to shut you up. D- so in this scenario were dressing sexy so you can fuck us? J- it was so beautiful when I said it Dan. When you say it, it just sounds dirty. D- Moving on, what about adam and eve? Did you kick them out for eating an apple. J-*sigh* this is actually a tough one to explain Dan. You see when I first made you guys, you were much closer to me. We talked all the time and hung out. If I had thought of xbox we would be sitting on the couch playing call of duty. Also I would have had to have created call of duty and couches.

D- You couldnt see into the future and know that Microsoft would create a gaming machine capable of destroying relationships and making us obese? J- of course I cant see the future. Where did you guys get that? Did you think about the implications of it at all? Take adam and eve for example, if I could see the future that means I created a paradise and stuck them in it, knowing full well that they were going to betray me and fail. What kind of a dick does that? D- but you did kick them out of paradise. J- it wasnt like that. I created a place where they could expreince everything whenever they wanted, by eating fruit from a tree they could experience the same joy that comes to you now only when you have lived a fulfilling life. They could experience the peace of a man in his twilight watching his children and grandchildren be happy by eating a banna. D- no marijuana reference her hu joe? J- no if I had weed in they would have ate all the apples in like a day. D- so it was an apple? J- No dan, these fruits dont exist any longer. Im using these terms for your benefit. D- of course, please continue oh mighty bulb. J- see, it feels good on the tongue doesnt it? Anyway. There were fruit in the garden that would let them experience emotions that sensations that I wanted to shield them from, like shame, and anger, and hate. D- then why put them there at all? J- you still dont get it do you, without the ability to feel bad, the good means nothing. If theres no such thing as hate then love is meaningless. It stops being a sensation or emotion and becomes a state of being. D- then why were you so upset when they ate of the apple? when you put them there so that they could experience them. J- it wansnt the fact they ate them. It was that they became consumed with them. They began to experience only anger, and hate, and shame, and jelousy. They would ignore love, and compassion so that they could be petty and fearfull. D- and this was at the behest of the devil? J-.the devil isa difficult subject. d- hes your arch nemesis, your lex luthur, your joker. How can that be difficult?

J- Lilly isnt some villain that everyone needs to fear. We just, couldnt work together. She has very different ideas about how this world should work and how to govern you all. D- Lilly? She? What the hell are you talking about? Are you trying to tell me that the devil isnt a red pajama wearing goat man that gets us to cheat on out taxes and fool around on our spouces? J- No she would probably do all those things. She always said that people are only truly free when they have no boundries. That if I was going to give you all this free will and let you make the right descicions. That I couldnt then dictate to them what was right and wrong. That I had to let you all decide that. There are times I wish I had listened. But I was young and brash back then. I had my own ideas of how this whole humans thing was going to work. And I still dont think she has all the answers. But with age Ive realized that neither do I. D- you talk about her like shes your ex-wife. J- that may be the most accurate way to put it Daniel. I loved her, I loved her more than any other angel I ever created. We spent most of my youth dreaming up the ideas that would later become you. If you consider me to be your father, then she would have to be your mother. D- You understand that if any one who isnt an atheist heard you say that. They would probably stone you? J- well thats my own fault. I was so angry at her and at all of you for listening to her that I spent a long time being a wrathful and angry bulb. I would punish mercilessly anyone who dared not to adhere to my way of thinking. I mean shit Daniel, I turned a woman into salt for turning around. Who does that? I became everything I was trying to keep you all from becoming. Its a bitch making your children in your image. D- Not to mention Job. J- Can you believe that? I tore that poor mans life apart just to spite Lilly. Sometimes I wish I could talk to her the way I talk to you. A woman in a red bustier walk into the caf and stands opposite Joe. J- Lilly? Well speak of the devil. Lucy-and she will appear, yes. and Its Lucy now, you know that. I heard you were Harassing a young writer. Trying to get them to tell the story never works Joe. I thought you learned that lesson with your last book. D- wait a minute, are you saying he is who he says he is? L- well that depends entirely on who he says he is doesnt it? J- I told him that I was the keyboardist for wham!

L- do you ever tire of being the only one laughing at your little quips Joe? J- No Im pretty happy to at least make myself happy. D- Fucking fascinating, is he or is he not god? J- Bulb! D- Thats enough! L- God? Are telling people that now joe? I swear sometimes I have no idea whats going on in that beautiful brain of yours. Do you think that the disheveled overweight, robin Williams looking motherfucker you see before you could in any reality be almighty? D- I just came here for coffee. L- I see, good luck with whatever it is your doing here Joe. I certainly hope your not setting yourself up for disappointment again. Lucy exits while Daniel protests. D- You understand that you didnt answer my question right? Right?...alright well good talk. J- frustrating isnt she? D- ya, and thats saying a lot coming from someone whos been sitting across from you for a while. J- You cant tell me our not having any fun. D- oh I think I can! Your wasting my time and feeding me a sack full of madness that would make any religious person go completely nutsJ- but your not very religious are you dan? D- No, which makes this entire exercise seem even more ridiculous. J- so then whats keeping you from walking out that door? D- I have no idea, I suppose for a moment I thought you might be my in with kate. But now I can see that was just a flight of fancy. J- and why do you think you need me to ask kate out exactly? D- I dunno, it just. Shes so beautiful and fun and perky. I cant imagine what she could see in me. J- well we both know thats bullshit. Dont we? Youre an accomplished writer with a great job. Your not horrible looking, I might loose the castaway beard if I was you but, none the less. Whats keeping you from asking kate out is the same thing thats keeping you from getting up and walking away from me. Fear! You people cling to it like a child clinging to a security blanket.

D- wow, deep. J- you like that? Its called imagery, you might try it in your articles some time. D- I was being sarcastic. J- I know I was being an asshole. Anyway, fear is the greatest flaw in my people and I cant for the life of me figure out why you love it so. Who cares what Ill think if you leave, and who cares if Kate laughs right in your face. Theres no real consequence. You cant live your life in fear Daniel. Or youll live it with regret, which in my experience is much worse. D- then what exactly is it that keeps you from apologizing to Lucy? J-touch Daniel. I knew there was a reason I chose you. Your more shrewd that I gave you credit for. D- does that mean were done? J- not just yet, There are still a few more things I need to tell you. D- Im all ears. J- well since it seems were well beyond the whole interview thing I guess Ill just spell it out. I like you Daniel, you have such great potential. But you waste it on this column and being afraid. I want you to live your life without fear, I want you to put away hate and bring love into your life. I want you to follow your dream of writing a great novel and stop finding excuses to go home and be safe everyday. This life is only worth living if you take chances, if you follow what really means something to you and live a life with some meaning. D- so I should drop everything that Ive worked so hard for and just let loose because some asshole in a tommy bahama shirt says its all going to work out. I live in the real fucking world Joe. I dont have the luxury of making mistakes . My parents arent going to take care of me. I dont have a trust fund or a blood diamond mine or whatever it is that lets you sit in coffee houses in your old age and harass people. I have to work for a living! So youll have to fucking excuse me if I dont shoot for the stars and play in the magical gumdrop forest with the licorice elves. J- fuck, now I really want to know what licorice elves taste like. D- Jesus Christ! J- what about him? D- really, were doing this? What problem could you possibly have with the story of Jesus Christ, your son, its perfect. Born in a manger, leads a life of doing good deeds, a couple maricles and then martyrs himself for our sins. J- well first of all he never did any miracles, and second hes not my son any more than you are.

D- Your fucking serious? This is the most fundamental story in all of Christendom. The only one that everyone can agree on and your going to shit all over it? J- No, Jesus was an amazing man. Maybe the only dude who actually got it. That guy just loved every motherfucker on the planet. And some douche bags in metal skirts and togas nailed him to a tree because they couldnt understand. You could say that hes my favorite son. When he was walking around talking people into not being dicks and tying to get every one on the planet to calm the fuck down. I thought it was all coming together, I thought that this was going to work. I even spoke to him several times and had a very close relationship with him. But then everyone else got to him. They nailed him to a tree and sold gold encrusted effigies of his death to the masses. You cant walk into one of my houses without a larger than life rendition of him in agony. and you built up the entire world to think he was some kind of demi-god. How in the world is that helpful? How is it not infinitely more helpful to the human race to say there was one man alive who got it, and he was no different than anyone else. Than to say that the only person to ever live a great life was my only son and died so that everyone else could be forgiven for all the bad shit they did. Its such a fucking cop out! Instead of saying that what JC did was impossible and his death is your excuse to be an asshole. Why dont you all get together and say. Damn, it is possible to be a good guy, I dont have to be scared of letting my guard down, I dont have to hate everything that I dont understand or is different from myself. This guy was nailed to a fucking tree and he still was all smiles and good nature. Maybe you as a people should get together and say that guy had it right, and actually follow his example instead of getting a macram bracelet that says WWJD and then getting pissed off when two dudes want to get married or some poor girl made a descision based on the libido that I fucking put there, and now has to try to save not only her life, but the life of her child. D-wow.that wasactually kinda poignant. J- Also bulb is a better word that god. D- (chuckles) oh crap, Kate is getting off soon. Ummm, shit, what do I say? You said you would help me here bulb. J- I did promise you that, tell ya what. It will be a lot easier to do if you think about life like this. This planet has been around for billions of years, Ive had humans on it for about 5-6,000 of those, compared to you, this planet is awfully fucking big. So the fact that you both inhabit the same space, at the same time. Is a mammoth miracle in and of itself. So given the astronomical odds of you two even knowing that eachother exist, arnt you kind of obligated to give it a shot if you guys even kind of get along. D- You have a very unique way of looking at things Joe. J- I have a very unique vantage point on the whole thing. D- real quick before I talk to kate there is one more question I want to ask you. J- I dont know why they cancelled arrested development either Dan.

D- No, I mean the big question. Why are we here? Whats the point? Whats the meaning of life? J- Im afraid its not as easy as that. Everybody wants one answer for all questions. But Im afraid I cant tell you 42 and suddenly you can understand all things. Every bit of life has an answer all its own. I guess you could say that is the meaning, finding all the little meanings. With that Joe gets up and goes toward the door. D- that was a very interesting conversation, thank you. J- the pleasure was all mine Daniel. Now go get her, shes waiting for you. He motions toward Kate who is beginning to take off her apron and clock out. The scene closes as Daniel walks up to kate and begins a conversation.

Scene opens on apartment exterior. Kate and Daniel are talking as they walk up the walkway.

K- You really thought Joe was God? D- well I dont know if I was convinced of it, but I was open to the idea of it. K- Ive been delivering coffee here every weekedn