Professional Documents
Culture Documents
By Shyanne Neiman
(WARNING: THIS eBOOK CONTAINS CRUDE AND OBJECTIONABLE LANGUAGE)
Section 1
Foreword
Section 2
WOMEN - God's Way of Telling You to Fuck Yourself
Section 3
Your Problem, In a Nutshell
Section 4
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Section 5
1
Reel Her In
Section 6
God Bless The Internet
Section 7
She Bought the Bait!
Section 8
Tips to Keep in Mind...
Section 9
Final Thoughts
Section 1
Foreword
In an ideal world, women would be like they were in 1950s sitcoms. They would giggle and squeal when you approach them, jump up and down when you make your move, and bend over backwards so you could pin them. Sure, the last one refers more to a school pin than to the kind of pinning you want, but we've got to draw the line somewhere. Even the 50s fantasy has its limits. The point is, things were much easier when men were men and women wanted to be the objects of your affection. You were Kings, we wished we could be treated like Queens, and all was right in the world. Unfortunately for you, things changed somewhere along the line. Now men are only as manly as we let them be, the majority of Queens have the word "drag" in front of their titles, and the world is just alright. If you want your life to change from alright to absolutely fricking fabulous, you're going to need to reclaim the manliness that disappeared with that crazy little thing called the women's rights movement. You're going to have to learn how to stop being the nice guy that every woman says she wants, and become the bastard that every woman claims to hate. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and it seems like women are much more likely to want the nice guy over the bastard. While you let that thought run through your head, take a moment and think of every woman you've ever seen crying, sniffling, or bitching about their boyfriends. Now take a minute to think of how often you've heard those women say, "I don't know why I always end up with the bastards." Assuming that you've heard those words as often as the rest of the human race has, you can probably see a metaphorical light bulb flashing right now: Women always end up with bastards because that is what they secretly want. With that said, it's time for you to move from hero to zero. (I know that's not a common goal, but it's also not common for a guy to get just about any girl he wants. Think about it.) By the time you finish this e-book, you'll know how to shed your nice guy ensemble and transform yourself into the bastard women crave. You'll learn why women secretly want bastards, how you can become that bastard, and what you should do once you reach that bastard status. You'll also learn some great tips on where to meet women, where to take them, and what to do with them once you have them all to yourself. So, read this e-book, take notes, and get ready to be the best bastard you can be.
Happy reading, boys! Shyanne Neiman ~The Chick Who's about to Change Your World
This section will describe the five most common misconceptions that men have about women. As soon as you learn to see these vicious rumors for what they really are, you'll have the advantage over every other man who can't see through the bullshit. And believe me, this bullshit is so deep that you would need a shovel to dig through it!
you watch the Titanic sink. Sure, we all hate the idea of a life without Leonardo, but we don't want to think about how sad you would be in a life without Leonardo. Please be a man and leave the sensitivity to us!
phone call doesn't come, we secretly love the thrill of not knowing what to expect. R is for reassurance - You know the feeling you get when a super hot woman notices you? That's what it's like for women who get involved with bastards. We get so excited to capture his attention that we overlook what an ass he is to begin with. D is for drama - If nothing else, a relationship with a bastard never gets boring. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll want to do something, maybe he won't. Since we can never tell what our favorite bastard is going to do, we get a sense of living on the edge. Dating a bastard might not sound all that exciting, but we've got to get our kicks where we can get them.
Absolute Bullshit
"I'm flattered, but I think of you as more of a brother."
"We're such good friends that I could never risk our friendship."
"I'm just not ready for a relationship." "I always figured we would wind up together in the end." "Sorry, I have plans this weekend."
weekend, either." "Come to think of it, this whole month is just bad for me." "You know what? I think I'll be living on Mars by then."
"You've left me no choice but to kill you. See what you've done?"
10
Too Good to Fuck You.' That might sound like the last thing you want your sign to say, but by the time you finish reading this e-book, you'll find yourself saying that much more than you ever thought you would.
11
12
between business meetings, household duties, traffic-filled commutes, and that crazy little thing called sleep. As sad as it may be, there is just no room for chivalry in this world. So, if you want to be the perfect gentleman, take your time, and woo the lady of your choosing, you're going to have to get in line behind the other guys who are willing to be direct. Sure, you can add a bit of chivalry once you secure yourself a woman, but that will not be the way to get her in the first place. If you want to spend your Saturday nights with anyone but your Grandma, you're going to have to make a move and step into the 21st Century. I've spent some time there myself, and I promise you, it's really not all that bad.
13
What We Hear
"You think, therefore I am." "I don't have a creative bone in my body, so you're on your own." "This upsets me so much that I could cry. Maybe I'll just go watch Titanic again." "Why don't I just get a sex change?" "I guess I'll point out that my sex change didn't go through yet." "I suck. Plain and simple. I just suck." "My head I'd be scratchin' While my thoughts were busy hatchin'If I only had a brain..."
"Ladies first."
14
"Excuse me for a moment. I seem to have misplaced my penis." "I am such a pussy."
"I'm sorry."
15
16
ridiculous." Sure, those definitions are accurate, but those aren't the things we're aiming for. If you want to be a bastard by my definition, you have to have a great love for yourself. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be an arrogant ass; you just have to know how to look like one. Nice guys have the tendency to put their own feelings on the backburner. They sacrifice their wants and needs for the wants and needs of others. As a result, nice guys commonly feel like shit. Bastards are concerned with the feelings of others, but they are more concerned with their own feelings. They want things to be pleasant, but they won't sacrifice their own pride and sanity to live the pleasant life. To better explain this phenomenon, let's put you in both sets of shoes and imagine that a woman stands you up. When nice guys get fucked over, they tend to keep their mouths shut. They ignore the fact that they feel like pansies and they'll give the bitch another chance. This cycle could go on forever because nice guys don't get mad or even: they just get more depressed. If a bastard gets stood up, he's not going to cause a big scene about it either. But the difference is that he will make the woman aware that she doesn't have any power over him. Instead of calling her 34 times to make sure that she didn't lose his address, phone number, or email address, the bastard will simply forget about it. When she calls him to make amends, he just might not answer the phone. Or maybe he will answer the phone and he'll tell her that he's just too busy to meet her at another time. His lack of availability will drive her nuts and she'll begin to chase him. Both scenarios involve the same aspects - being stood up and a game of chase but there is one major difference. Nice guys do the chasing while the bastards are busy getting chased. If you want to get chased, you're going to have to put your needs first, stop taking other people's shit, and realize that you are just as important as anybody else. That right there is the basic meaning of a bastard. While he might look a dick head to the rest of the world, he's really just treating himself the way he ought to be treated.
17
every field of life - instant pussy, instant money, and instant pleasure. Everything else is meaningless and not worth their time.
DICK HEADS
Dick heads don't have any feelings in general.
Dick heads get revenge on an ex by posting her naked pictures all over the Internet-and they don't forget to add her name and phone number.
Bastards look cool by acting like they don't have a care in the world. Bastards get their way by acting like there's no other way that could possibly exist. Bastards act nice once their kindness is earned. Bastards look for one night stands at bars and clubs. Bastards may be cheap, but they still pay for the first date. When bastards get hurt, they
Dick heads get their way by kicking, punching, and screaming. Dick heads act nice when they're sleeping. Dick heads look for one night stands at the local nunnery. Dick heads don't go on dates; they go to orgies. When dick heads get hurt, they
18
bleed red blood. Bastards don't act like bastards to everyone; they only act like bastards to those who haven't deserved to be treated differently yet. Bastards only act like bastards to cover their own asses.
ooze green slime. Dick heads would sell their own mother's panties on eBay if they could make a profit.
Dick heads act the way they do because they are too ignorant to know that there is any alternative.
19
20
now imagine just how wild that would drive her. Take it from me, boys. A bit of healthy indifference works like a charm.
21
Consider sex as a metaphor for the rest of your dating relationships. If you're on top in the bedroom, you're on top everywhere else. If she's always on top in the bedroom, she'll own you in all other ways, too. If you don't mark your territory when you have sex, she's bound to mark her territory first. (Note: Please don't follow your dog's lead and mark your territory by peeing on your woman. I mean, if peeing is your thing and that's what it takes to turn you on, whatever. That's your business. Just be sure to fill her in on your business before things get a little too moist for her liking.) Ahem. I digress. If you're with a woman who always tries to take the driver's seat in the bedroom, you're going to be in for a short ride. You have to play the role of the dominator in the bedroom if you want to keep the action coming. I reiterate: it's fine to let her take control every now and then. But if you've been having sex with her for two months and you've yet to be on top, you're always going to be at the bottom of the relationship.
22
that has foiled the rest of your life. But don't forget where you came from in the process. You know what it's like to be treated like absolute shit and you know how lousy you felt every time you were mocked, degraded, or ridiculed in any way. Those days are over for you, but that doesn't mean they should begin for somebody else. Have fun. Be a bastard. Be good to yourself. Make up for all of the good things you missed out on. But don't forget what it's like to be on the other side of the tracks.
24
25
into a bit of therapy in the future. As pleasant as it can be to have a woman around, it's not worth one of your testicles. If you decide to show your slight interest, play it cool. Don't jump at the chance to ask for a date and don't act like you're in a panic. Keep your voice level at a normal pitch, refrain from stuttering, and try not to shake like you have a sudden case of Parkinson's. Just be cool and let her see that your balls belong to you and there's nothing she can do to make you part with them.
26
This constant battle of not knowing whether or not you'll be available to her will intrigue her and make her work for your attention. She doesn't need to know that she got your attention from the start: that would ruin the purpose of her little game. And when it comes to dating games, the hunt is more exciting than the prize. Remember that. And you can see your Bastard Badge as tactical ammunition in your own hunt. Which is what you're doing, too.
Be a Show Off
When men deal with other men, they love to show off. They might have a contest to see whose piss can shoot further, or they might try to compare sexual escapade stories. In any case, men love to show off to other men. When men deal with other women, they tend to be a lot more modest - or at least that's how it works with nice guys. If you want to make a convincing bastard, you're going to have to show off as much as you can. Make her see what's so appealing about you and why she should want you in her life. Just remember that a show off is not the same as a douche bag and you'll do just fine.
27
over your pecks, you're going to look like some kind of freak. And more often than not, women will try to avoid getting freaky with the freaks.
28
The problem with women is that they tend to fall for men hard and fast. Even if she begins with the intention of using you, her motivation for being with you will change over time. The more she sees of you, the more she will become attracted to your bastardly ways. Before she even realizes what happened, her motivation will change from the prizes you could buy her to the prize that is you. Before that time can come, your main goal is to peak her interest and get her to that point. Who gives a damn if you have to get her attention through a dishonest reason? Honesty is for nice guys, and that is clearly not you anymore. It's good to be a bastard, isn't it?
29
Just make sure that you don't make yourself look like a complete asshole. Let your gaze linger, but don't be obnoxious about it. In other words, it's okay for her to see you take a glance at her tits, but it's not okay for you to speak directly to them. You have to make her see that you're physically attracted to her but you're not going to rape her in the bushes. Play it cool, let your gaze linger for a moment, and then look back up towards her face. She'll notice that you were checking her out and she'll count the moments before you do it again.
Be Confidant
One of the best things you can do for yourself - and for her approval - is to be confident. If it doesn't look like you think you're terrific, there's no way she's going
30
to think you're terrific either. And just to be clear, your goal is for her to think you're terrific, hot, sexy, and all around wonderful. If you want to display your confidence, you're going to have to act a little cocky. Act like everything you say is factual. Don't raise your voice at the end of a sentence so it sounds like a question. Say it as if that's just the way it is. Even if you're saying something that really should be more of a question than a statement, try to have some authority with your words. For instance, if you want to invite her over to your place, don't ask, "So, I was, umm, wondering if you might maybe want to come over for a little while?" Instead, put your foot down and say, "I want you to come over" or 'Let's go to my place." There's a chance that she'll deny you of your request, but she's much more likely to agree if you appear confident in your statement, than if you stutter around a nervous question. Another way for you to appear confidant is to look directly at her and keep your head high. Never look at the ground or look off to the side - unless you are trying to make her jealous by casually observing another woman on the sidelines. Minus that exception, keep your gaze on her and don't look away. If you look into her eyes and quickly avert your gaze to the ground, you're essentially telling her that she is your master and commander. And if you can't be the Master, you're bound to get stuck in the role of Master Bater.
31
If you're looking for a one-night stand, bring her back home with you. If you're looking for something longer, tell her you simply have to go. Take down her number, give her yours, and make your exit. When you get home, tuck away her number for a week. Chances are that she'll call you within 24 hours. If she's the kind of girl who thinks she did something wrong, she might not call. If that's the case, she's probably sitting by her phone and praying to hear from you. Let her sweat it out for at least five days before you give her a call. She'll be so happy to hear from you that she'll do just about anything that you want. And that, my friend, is how you become Master Bastard.
32
nines, pay a ton of money to see a show, and look for any men who might be into the same thing. Look for lame ass chick shows like The Vagina Monologues and you're sure to have center stage. Dinner Theatre: If there's anything that women love more than theatre, it's food. As you may have guessed, not too many men are into dinner theatre. Show up for a show and you'll be outnumbered 50 to 1 by randy women. Ethnic Restaurants: Women love ethnic food and they usually can't find guys who agree with that sentiment. Show up at an ethnic restaurant and you'll catch her eye before you even notice that she exists.
33
Pros
The Internet is fast, easy, and convenient as hell. Online dating is a great way for you to get to know a person before you have to sit with them. The Internet is a great place for you to practice your new bastard skills without the added nerves of talking to a 3D woman.
34
If you're looking for quick relief, you can easily find an online cyber buddy so you don't feel so alone. Online dating services are full of available women who are looking for the same things as you. (In other words, you don't have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of you for approaching a woman who happens to be dating a wall of muscle on legs.) If it turns out that you're dealing with a complete douche bag, you can simply click the little 'x' to get rid of her and move on to someone worth your time. You can read her online profile to see if the two of you are looking for the same things before you make a move. You can 'woo' her with a greeting card, e-kiss, or just about any other form of flattery without getting off your ass or paying a penny. You can sit around in your underwear while you go searching for women and worry about the grooming when you know you're going to score. You can pick up women 24/7 without worrying about pesky things like closing time and last call.
Cons
Online relationships that don't develop into in-person relationships can leave you with a serious lack of female flesh in your life. You might meet a lot of girls who seem wonderful but live impossibly far away for you to carry a relationship with them. You never know who you're really talking to. She might be that cute little blonde in the picture or she could be a group of corny adolescent boys who spend their Saturday nights fucking with people like you. You could be dealing with some kind of psychopath who will stalk you once you give her your personal information. The convenience of cyber sex can eventually become addictive and keep you from meeting all of the women you could potentially have real sex with. Once you start your profile searches, you might find that you have nine billion women who might be perfect for you, so you save them all in a little folder and never get around to contacting any of them. You might totally connect with someone online and then see that there's absolutely no chemistry between the two of you once you meet. People lie on the Internet, just like you probably plan to do. Don't be surprised if you go to meet a college professor who spends her summers in the Peace Corps and wind up meeting a retired waitress who spends her summers reading to her cats.
Cyber Sex
When John Hughes released Weird Science twenty years ago, men around the world went wild. It turned out that men love the idea of a computer generated sex
35
machine that is virtually perfect in all ways. Back then, a lot of people were convinced that we would have electronic sex bots of our own by now. Well, those people were wrong and probably feel a little foolish about their inaccurate predictions, but they were at least on the right track. (Note: I know I promised that I would avoid any talk that involved the 1980s, but it turns out that I lied about that. I know a promise is a promise, but sometimes it's okay to break that promise if it will benefit others. A little white lie never hurt anyone and - Wait. I don't need to explain myself to you. If you have a problem with it, I recommend that you refer back to the section of this e-book that tells you to stop being such a pussy.) Now as I was saying... You might not be able to have a woman magically burst from your computer, but you can still sit around your computer and have a great sexual experience. And hey, if you're really that bummed out that the Weird Science fantasy didn't pan out, you could always wear that bra on your head while you cyber. Whatever floats your boat is fine by me. What is not fine by me is the amount of men in the world who don't know what they're doing when they have cyber sex. No, there aren't any written rules or regulations in the cyber world, but there damn well should be. Why? Because just like men, women cyber for a reason. They want to be turned on by someone else while they do their busy work. They don't want to look at a screen that's filled with a bunch of ooh's and aah's while they sit around and type out a novel. If you want her to stick around for your finale, you're going to have to dazzle her with your cunning linguistics. And if you happen to lack cunning linguist skills, you better skip ahead to the next section and brush up on your cunnilingus skills. Sorry, buddy, but you've got to have at least one of those two down pat if you want to succeed with women.
36
When you meet a cyber gal, chances are that you're going to get straight to the point. You're probably going to lie your ass off, as will she. In the midst of all that lying, do yourself a favor and try to catch her name. That name will probably be fake, but that doesn't really matter. You just need something to call her so that you don't have to spend your night writing to MyTitsInYoFace69. # 3 - Don't just think with your dick. I know, I know. You're only having cybersex so you can get off; you're not trying to find a soul mate. However, you really need to keep her involved if you want her to stick around. Make sure that you spend at least half the amount of time describing what you're 'doing' to her as she spends describing what she's 'doing' to you. The rule of half never fails. # 4 - Be articulate. I realize that you're a bit preoccupied when you cyber, but you're going to have to be at least a little articulate when you type. There's nothing wrong with a random 'f' or 'g' thrown into the middle of a word; that will just show her that you're into what you're doing. However, that doesn't give you an excuse to just type random strings of words that look like 'jdfkahdgknf ;dajer.' If you're way too busy to type anything legible, try sticking with the letter 'm.' You can hold that key down for just about as long as you'd like without annoying her - and your nine other fingers will still be completely accessible. It's a no lose situation, really. # 5 - When all else fails, cheat. I don't have a dick, but I understand how difficult it must be to type anything clever when your cock is hard and one hand is occupied. For times like this, it might be a good idea to keep a cheat sheet handy. Make a document with nifty words and phrases that might help you out when times get hard and your dick gets harder.
At a loss for words? Don't worry. That's what this chart is for.
37
Female Anatomy
Breasts Pussy Boobs Tits
Cunt (Use wisely! Try Lips pairing this word with a pleasant adjective.) Opening Ass
Clit
Good Adjectives
hot delicious horny throbbing dirty sexy tasty nasty pulsing wet steamy beautiful hard amazing sooo good deep
slutty (Use this one at slippery your own discretion-you don't want to offend her!)
38
panties and damn, your slamming into your pussy is beautiful. pussy while I lick your clit. I'm fucking you from behind while my balls slam into your clit.
I'm licking your juices I'm pounding my cock off my finger and you into your pussy and I taste fucking delicious. can feel you shaking.
Speed Things Up
I'm almost there. I'm gonna cum. Keep going, I'm so close.
39
Things to Avoid
When it comes to cybersex, almost anything goes. Note that I said almost. Try to avoid any super cheesy lines that will probably make her laugh and sign off on you. That means that you should steer clear of any terrible cliques like "lance of love," "totem pole," and "member" when you talk about yourself. When you talk about her body, leave out phrases like "hole in one," "backdoor," and "canal of love." Also avoid any extremely derogatory words that are bound to turn her off unless she's into some pretty heavy cyber shit. In other words, seeing you type, "Take it all, you fucking slut", won't turn on ordinary girls. I know it's hard to believe, but it really is true. The most important thing you can avoid is technical terms that will leave her scratching her head and wondering what the hell is wrong with you. If you're close enough to have an orgasm with her, you're close enough to avoid large or technical words. Simply put, you're going to look like some kind of freak if you spout out "I'm penetrating your vaginal canal with my phallus and it feels absolutely spectacular."
Chat Rooms
If you're hoping to meet a girl in person, your best bet is probably to try to pick her up in a place where 100 other yapping people do not surround her. Why? Because as a general rule of thumb, it's easier to hook up with a girl when she's alone than it is to pick her up when she's in the middle of an online orgy. And if you want to define the essence of a chat room, an online orgy is a pretty fricking accurate definition. Of course, there are plenty of reasons why you shouldn't eliminate chat rooms from your list of potential places to hook up with random women. If you're looking to spend a lovely evening with nothing but your hand and your penis, chat rooms are a great place for you to get your jollies on. Chat rooms provide you with a great way to instantly receive an abundance of IM's and a variety of dirty cyber invitations. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to engage in decent cyber sex, but you'll need to the above mentioned tricks of the trade if you want your rocket to blast
40
off before you bore her to death or scare her away. Oh, and going back to the clichs I mentioned earlier? Never refer to your dick as a rocket. Ever.
If you want to entice her, you're going to have to include a picture of yourself. With all of the profiles out there, she can't be bothered to read the ones that don't grab her attention right off the bat. If you want to make her notice you, you're going to have to include a picture and make it a good one. When you choose your picture, make sure you pick a recent one. You're not going to get very far if you use the picture that shows you wearing a huge grin because you just grew your first pubic hair. You should also try to use a high quality picture that shows you in good lighting. If she can't see you because the picture is too dark or grainy, she's going to scan right past you and move on to the next guy.
Tip # 2 - Be Bad.
When you create your profile, try to be a bit naughty. You don't have to sound like a complete douche bag but you don't want to sound like the kind of guy who's in his late 40s and still lives at home with Mom. (And if you do still live at home with Mom, that's one of those things that you can omit from your profile. Hey, what she doesn't know can't hurt her.)
42
Even if it is your first time using an online dating service, never mention that on your profile. There are far too many men who say "I normally don't do this sort of thing" or "I've never done this before but I figured I would give it a try." When it comes to your level of experience with online dating services, it's best to leave that out of your profile. If she asks you when you're one on one, it's fine to answer. Just don't offer that information without a good reason for it, or you're bound to look like online dating routine guy.
E-mail Buddies
Once you get to the point where you're ready to talk to each other outside of the dating service or chat room, the most logical way for you to chat is through emails. If you get to this stage, it's critical that you don't fuck things up. You have to get across your bastard appeal in writing and make her want to know more about you. Then, of course, you can swoop in for the kill and try to meet her in person. But before you get to that point, you have to get through the email stage. So, listen closely and get ready to put your new bastardizing skills to the test.
Bring Her Up
Even though your main focus should be on you, it will be necessary for you to talk about her at some point. Ask her a couple of questions that could help you out if you ever meet in person. If you plan to lather her up in chocolate sauce and have yourself a buffet, ask her questions about her favorite ice cream. That kind of question will seem innocent 43
and it will make it look like you're just curious enough to want to learn all about her. She doesn't need to know your ulterior motives! Similarly, try asking her questions about her favorite music, movies, and other various forms of pop culture. You might not give a damn about any of these things now, but they will help you out later if you want to invite her over to check out your collection of whatever.
Meeting Time
So, you made her an offer she couldn't refuse and now she wants to meet you. Fabulous. You're done with the hardest part now. Since you met this girl online, you have the extreme upper hand. Unlike the chicks that you meet out in the real world, you have a heads up on what this girl likes and dislikes. Now is the time for you to utilize all of the useless bullshit you learned about her from the chat room, online dating service, or stupid email conversations. Think about what you know and use it to your advantage. I'm not telling you to figure out what would make her the happiest because that would defeat the whole purpose of your bastard training. I'm telling you to use your previous spy work to speed things up, move things along, and get you to where you ultimately want to be. Whether that place is in her heart or in her pants doesn't matter to me. I just want to see you get to the place you most desire. If you're looking for a woman you could actually be with in the future, use what you know to make her want to see more of you. If she tells you that her favorite band is Aerosmith, dazzle her with your knowledge of how Joe Perry was invited to join the band because he could cook a mean batch of french fries. If she tells you that she loves lasagna, tell her that you know a restaurant that makes what is possibly the world's best lasagna and maybe you'll show it to her some time. Once you throw out your hook, don't offer any more details. Make her wonder where the story is going and then make your exit. She'll be so shocked that you didn't offer her more details that she'll want to see you again as soon as possible.
44
If you're looking for a woman who you want to fuck, you'll have to play your cards a little differently. If you plan to end the date by making an abrupt exit, be blunt and tell her that she's welcome to join you. Don't ask if she might, maybe, possibly want to go back to your place. Tell her that you have to get home and you'd like her to come along. Chances are that she'll be so shocked by your bluntness that she will join you. And if not, she wasn't going to be the one-night stand you were looking for, anyway.
45
In the Beginning...
In the beginning, things are wonderful. You're interested in her, she's interested in you, but you don't know shit about each other. This is when things are fun, passionate, and exciting as hell. There's just one problem. This is also the stage that determines whether or not you'll get to move into the stages that follow. If you play your cards right in the beginning, you should be able to hold on to her for as long as you possibly want. For nice guys, the beginning stage is usually where things end. For bastards, the beginning stage is just a taste of what is to come in the future. If you want to keep her begging for more, you're going to have to throw yourself all in and hold back at the same time. Your main goal at this point is to keep her interested and reel her in for more. You can do this by giving her subtle promises of what will be in her future if she sticks around from now. Show off all of the things that I told you to show off before, make it seem like sex with you is just about the best thing any woman could hope for, and make it seem like she would be plain stupid if she didn't stick around. And most importantly, don't forget to be a bastard. When you take her out in the beginning, don't dish out a lot of cash. Keep things cheap and simple. Don't spoil her from now because she'll expect to get whatever she wants from you. Make it clear that if she wants to get a piece of the Bastard Pie, she'll have to wait it out and make herself worthy.
46
In the beginning, you should do whatever you can to tease her into wanting more. That's the only sure fire way to get whatever it is that you want out of her in the future.
47
At this stage, you should also try to incorporate a touch of your nice guy charms back into your life. Buy her flowers or invite her to join you for a volunteer escapade. She'll be so shocked to see her bastard boyfriend taking an interest in the world that she won't even have time to think of you as a nice guy. She'll just think that she brings out the good in you and she'll fall for you even harder.
going to have to sit down and think pretty hard. At this stage, you need to think about what you really want in your life. Are you willing and ready to be tied down to one woman for an infinite amount of time? Or would you rather get back out there and play the field before you settle down? When it comes to these questions, there's not much I can do to help you. The best thing you can do is sit down and figure out what you really want. Once you can answer that question, you'll know where to take it from there.
50
throwing it to the wolves. And take it from me, nobody wants to get attacked by a pack of angry wolves - especially when nudity is involved.
Be Prepared
If you plan on going on the Quest for the Holy Pussy, you'll have to go equipped with some tools that will be vital to your mission. Make sure that you head out with plenty of cash and condoms. You'll need to be prepared for if you go back to her place or if the two of you decide to shack up in a cheesy motel. Even if you don't plan on seeing her ever again, you're still responsible for at least some of the financial obligation that sex with strangers brings. If you plan to bring a woman back to your place, be sure to pussy proof your pad before she arrives. Make sure that your kitchen isn't filled with moldy dishes and that your underwear isn't thrown all around the floor. If she gets to your place and realizes that you're a dirty slob, there's a good chance that she will get the fuck out of there faster than you could tell her that you only wanted to fuck her once, anyway.
51
Sure, I'm confident that you could survive the assault without a problem. But are you confident that the woman you're chatting up will want anything to do with you now that she knows you're a slime ball? Think about it and get back to me on that one.
Flings will
tell you to not to call them until you're ready to fuck. tell you to eat before you meet up with them. not see your mess because they don't know where you live. will want you to leave after you finish fucking them. pretend you don't have a family because they don't give a fuck about you. want to fuck on any occasion. tell you to fuck yourself because you could be contagious.
bitch, nag, and suck the life out of fuck and fuck and fuck some you whenever they can. more. get mad if you forget to put the toilet seat down. walk your dog when you're too tired to move. ask you to use the public restroom. kick your dog when you're not looking.
expect you to call them whenever expect you to call them when you go out. you're hard. expect you to call them as soon as you get home. tell you to fuck off when you give take your anger out on them. expect presents, romance, and other signs of your affection. expect you to call them when you get hard again. tell you to fuck yourself when you call them to begin with. expect orgasms, and can't guarantee they'll remain STD free
52
Facial Hair
There are two kinds of men in this world: those who can get away with facial hair and those who should never even try. Out of the approximate three billion men in the world, there may be one thousand who fit into the 'facial hair' is good 53
category. Unless you are one of those men, it's probably best that you find a different way to make a statement. For some men, facial hair is a fabulous way to emphasize their great features. Facial hair can show off your prominent chin, distract from the lack of hair on top of your head, and give the illusion of jutting cheekbones. For these men, facial hair is a blessing that does wonders for their personal appearances. Then there are those other men, i.e. the majority of the male population. The men who fall into this category try to grow out their facial hair and frequently have disastrous outcomes. Some of these men simply look strange, while others give off the illusion of carrying a dead animal carcass beneath their chins. Just to be clear, women do not like to make out with anything that reminds them of road kill. So, if you think you might fall into the second category, please do the world a favor and make friends with a razor. If you think you fall into the first, take another look in the mirror and be sure before you make a facial hair commitment. If you absolutely require facial hair, just be sure to take good care of it. Try and keep it as neat and smooth as possible so she doesn't get hair burn when she kisses you. If your beard grows so long that you nearly pull your arm muscles while you brush it, chop some off. Finally, if you want to design your facial hair into a nifty shape, be consistent and shave the rest of your facial hair often. Otherwise, you're doomed to lead the 'facial hair is bad' party.
54
Back Hair - For some reason, men think that back hair makes them look sexy and manly. While a bit of back hair is fine, most women do not want to braid the hair on your shoulders while they have sex with you. If your back hair is out of control, your best bet is to get rid of all of it. Either have somebody help you use a cream hair remover or invest in a back wax at a salon. If you think that will make you less manly, just think of how manly you'll feel when your smooth back gets you laid. Eyebrows - In case you didn't notice, "eyebrows" is a plural word. That's because there's supposed to be two of them. If you suffer from a unibrow or eyebrows that blend in with your sideburns, you really should consider some facial hair removal. You can try your luck at tweezing, but that will take a significant amount of time out of your day-plus, you risk the chance of screwing up your eyebrows beyond repair. Your best bet is to get them waxed by somebody who knows what they are doing. Waxing only takes a couple of seconds and the results will last for almost a month. In any case, take good care of your eyebrows and they will take good care of you. Armpit hair - Men have armpit hair and there's nothing we can do about that; it's just a fact of life. If your armpit hair gets so long that it threatens to dip into your dinner when you lift your fork, trim it down with a pair of regular scissors. Never under any circumstance should you shave or wax your pits. If women wanted to date other hairless creatures, they would be lesbians. Just don't fuck with your armpit hair. Chest hair - Chest hair just isn't what it used to be. Unless you're a rich Italian man who still lives in the motherland, you should be very careful with chest hair. If your nipples appear to be missing in the midst of your chest hair jungle, you should strongly consider trimming or waxing that hair. Shaving will help your problem too, but there is a good chance that it will leave you with a nasty case of razor burn that could make you look worse than the hair did to begin with. Da Pubes - When it comes to pubic hair, do whatever feels right. If you play in porn, feel free to shave it. If you don't, it's best to keep what you were born with, but bare in mind that the less pubic hair by the base, the larger your penis will appear. So therefore, it is a good idea to trim your pubes down so that your penis doesn't get lost in them. Your sex kitten will also appreciate those trimmings when she doesn't choke on a hairball while she goes down on you. Take it from me; blowjobs require enough effort without the added hazard of death by hair. Trust me on this.
Pearly Whites
The only thing worse than furry backs is furry teeth. If you want to find a woman, catch her interest, and make her your sex poodle, you'll have to do so without tempting her with the fur in your mouth. Much like back hair, the sex appeal that
55
made Austin Power's sexy in his day will not help you today. Be sure to brush and floss at least once a day; when it comes to dental hygiene, the more the better! If your teeth have lingering evidence of your addiction to coffee or cigarettes, invest in some whitening strips. These barely take any time out of your day and they will make a significant difference for your smile. These simple tips will keep your teeth looking fresh, clean, and healthy. All in all, that's something to smile about!
56
57
I feel like I shouldn't even have to mention this, but too many representatives of your gender make this mistake. Never wear shorts that are shorter than her daisy dukes. I understand that summertime can be hot and it can really take its toll on your body, but that's no reason for you to expose your business to the world. A proper pair of men's shorts should not go more than four inches above the knee. Anything beyond that is a felony - at least in the fashion world. For more information see Grooming Secrets For Men, with skin care, shaving, body hair trimming, diet, exercise and lots of tips for men to help them look their best.
Ask Questions
If you want her to come back for seconds, you're going to have to include her in your conversation. You certainly don't want to focus the whole date on her, but you should take the time to ask her some questions about herself. That will make her feel like you're really into her, which will make it even easier for her to fall for your bastard trap later.
Don't Be Shy
Like I've said before, bastards should be arrogant and more than a little cocky. If you want to show her that you're a bastard, you're going to have to get over the shy thing and show her a bit of charisma. Just don't go overboard or you won't have anything to talk about if you decide to see her again.
Suggestions Anyone?
58
If you want to get her back to your bedroom, you'll need to make your intentions known. You don't have to come right out and say, "Hey, wanna fuck?" But you should flash some indirect signals that indicate that sex has crossed your mind.
Be Slick
If it seems like she's ready to let you rock her socks off, don't be afraid to extend the invitation. Invite her back to your place so she can "see" something that might be of interest to her. This is another great reason for you to ask questions during your date. If she tells you that she's a hardcore rock & roll fan, invite her over to see your CD collection. This is the perfect way for you to get your point across without making an ass of yourself.
Kissing
It all begins with a kiss. And if you want things to move past the beginning, you'll have to hope that the kiss is mighty impressive. When it comes to kissing, let this be your new mantra: Gentle will make her mental. Spend a bit of time just concentrating on her lips. Your tongue doesn't have to be involved in everything you do! Once she's warmed up to your lips and she seems about ready to melt into a puddle right in front of you, let your tongue make its entrance. Gently ease your tongue into her mouth and explore. Every now and then, make sure to remove your tongue and go back to lip play so you can both breathe and swallow any saliva that threatens to turn into drool. Take this time to shower a couple of kisses on other areas around her mouth. Kiss her neck, her ear, her cheeks, her eyelids, or her forehead. A little exploration will remind the rest of her body of how badly it wants to join in on the fun. Try to avoid doing anything that will hurt her, choke her, or simply gross her out. Never shove your tongue back as far as it will go because women don't want to deep throat every part of you. Pretend that you're a man instead of a vacuum cleaner, because women don't like to have their tongues brutally sucked out of their mouths, either. The final thing you should avoid is drooling all over her. While a lot of spit will help you in the foreplay department, all it will do in this stage is ensure that you'll never see the foreplay. Needless to say, that also 59
Foreplay
As far as women are concerned, there is nothing better than foreplay. Sure, sex is great, but it's nothing compared to foreplay. Since most women can't have an orgasm based on vaginal stimulation alone, foreplay is the perfect time to wake up her clit and announce that you're going to be visiting for a while. You may want to jump right into the good stuff, but that's not the best idea if you plan on seeing her again. A woman can have a great fuck and walk away without a second thought. If a woman finds a man who's great at foreplay, she'll stay with him no matter what. He could be a complete dick face in all other aspects of life and it won't matter. It's all about the foreplay.
Spirit Fingers
Other than oral sex, a bit of crafty handwork is the most likely way for you to get her off. When it comes to pussy, there are a few things you should know. First of 60
all, the vaginal canal is not all that sensitive compared to the rest of it. Secondly, the clit is more sensitive than any other part of the male or female body. If you put two and two together, things should be clicking into place right about now. When your fingers decide to do a bit of exploring, don't jump right to the vaginal canal or to the clit. Start off by gently probing the rest of her nooks and crannies before you move in for the kill. Her clit will need a bit of time to adjust to the idea of your invasion. If you spring up on it to fast, you could very likely scare it away. And for any guy who's ever had a problem finding a clit, that is the last thing you ever want to do. Once you feel her swollen clit come out to see who's at the door, it's time to make your move. Try rubbing some gentle circles over and around it. If direct clitoral stimulation is too much for your lady of the night, focus more on the surrounding areas. Keep an eye out for her body language. If she pushes into you, she's into what you're doing. If she pulls away, she's really saying "Back off, asshole." The only thing worse than a pissed off clit is a pissed off woman attached to that clit. So, follow her cues and know when to stop, switch tempo, or evacuate that immediate area. This could make the difference between an amazing night of sex and an amazing night with your dirty cum sock. The choice is yours.
61
Are you with me so far? Good. When you go down on a woman, you have to be gentle. Very, very gentle. Don't act as if your mouth is an alien Brillo pad that was sent down to Earth to rid the world of pussy scum. Be gentle and take your time. Let your tongue explore and let your fingers join in on the fun. Just keep in mind that oral sex is not the time to incorporate a 'the more the merrier' philosophy into your foreplay. Her pussy is hosting an invitation-only party, and your teeth did not make it onto the guest list. If they try to crash the party, your entire body will get kicked out. (Note: If you are interested in knowing just about everything there is to know about eating pussy, I highly recommend that you read Cunnilingus Academy: 101 Lessons in the Art of Cunnilingus. This comprehensive e-book will teach you advanced techniques in hand and oral play. It even delves into the secrets of the g-spot and teaches you how to find the damn thing to begin with. Basically, if you're looking for an advanced handbook, that is where you should go!)
62
where you're coming from, I can't say I would recommend this. Remember - women talk. I'm not at liberty to say exactly what they talk about, but I can tell you that their gossip can ensure that an unpleasant penis encounter is all it takes to ensure that you don't get any again. From anyone. Ever. But hey, feel free to do as you see fit - just don't complain to me if your dick makes it on the America's Most Unwanted list.
Sex Etiquette
If you want to keep yourself off of every local woman's shit list, you'll have to display a bit of sex etiquette. I'm not saying that you have to pull out her chair before she cums or address her as "Ms. Shania" while you fuck. I'm simply saying that you need to be a little nice and display a bit of human decency. When it comes to sex, even bastards need good manners. If you feel comfortable enough to stage a one-man invasion on her pussy, you should feel comfortable enough to treat her like a human. Your courtesy might not help you out in your own life, but it would help out other men in the future. Think of sex etiquette as your way of paying it forward. If she has a pleasant one night stand with you, she's much more likely to either give you more pleasant experiences or engage in future pleasant experiences with other men. If you leave her with a sour taste in her mouth (and not from your semen,) she is less likely to have any one-night stands in the future. So, if every bastard out there could do his part to pay it forward and pave the road for other bastards, the act of pleasant one-night stands will eventually come full circle. In other words, be good and you'll be able to cum your way through the entire female circle.
That means that she'll be free to show up at your place whenever she wants. You could find her sitting on your stoop when you come waltzing in with another woman. Or, you could find her standing outside with a pizza while she waits for you to get home from work. If something went terribly wrong, she could even be waiting to kick you in the balls for being a bastard. The point is that once you let her invade your personal space, she'll be free to drop by as she pleases. While most women have the self-restraint not to do these kinds of things, some of us are just crazy enough to break the rules. So, if you're going to bring it on home, just make sure you think things out beforehand.
64
65
Bastard Resources:
Cunnilingus Academy: 101 Lessons in the Art of Cunnilingus MillionaireMatch Grooming Secrets For Men
By Shyanne Neiman
Copyright
66