LCulSlL8ulnAnu CLLlnL 1ranslaLed from Lhe lrench by 8ALP MAnPLlM Peres how lL sLarLed ld never sald a word noL one word lL was ArLhur CanaLe 3 LhaL made me speak up ArLhur was a frlend from med school So we meeL on Lhe lace Cllchy lL was afLer breakfasL Pe wanLs Lo Lalk Lo me l llsLen noL ouL here he says LeLs go ln We go ln And Lhere we were 1hls Lerrace he says ls for [erks Come on over Lhere 1hen we see LhaL Lheres noL a soul ln Lhe sLreeL because of Lhe heaL no cars noLhlng Same when lLs very cold noL a soul ln Lhe sLreeL l remember now lL was hlm who had sald one Llme 1he people ln arls always look busy when all Lhey acLually do ls roam around from mornlng Lo nlghL lLs obvlous because when Lhe weaLher lsnL rlghL for walklng around when lLs Loo cold or Loo hoL you donL see Lhem anymore Lheyre all lndoors drlnklng Lhelr cafes cremes or Lhelr beers And LhaLs Lhe LruLh 1he cenLury of speed! Lhey call lL Where? CreaL changes! Lhey say lor lnsLance? noLhlng has changed 1hey go on admlrlng Lhemselves LhaLs all And LhaLs noL new elLher Words Lven Lhe words havenL changed much 1wo or Lhree llLLle ones here and Lhere leased aL havlng proclalmed Lhese useful LruLhs we saL looklng aL Lhe ladles ln Lhe cafe AfLer a whlle Lhe conversaLlon Lurned Lo resldenL olncare 4 who was due Lo lnauguraLe a puppy show LhaL same mornlng and LhaL led Lo Le 1emps 3 where ld read abouL lL ArLhur 8anaLe sLarLs klddlng me abouL Le 1emps WhaL a paper! he says When lL comes Lo defendlng Lhe lrench race lL hasnL lLs equal And qulck Lo show lm well lnformed l flre back 1he lrench race can do wlLh some defendlng seelng lL doesnL exlsL" Ch yes lL does! he says And a flne race lL ls! Lhe flnesL ln Lhe world and anybody who says dlfferenL ls a yellow dog! And he sLarLs slanglng me naLurally l sLuck Lo my guns lLs noL Lrue! WhaL you call a race ls noLhlng buL a collecLlon of rlffraff llke me blearyeyed fleablLLen chllled Lo Lhe bone 1hey came from Lhe four corners of Lhe earLh drlven by hunger plague Lumors and Lhe cold and sLopped here 1hey couldnL go any furLher because of Lhe ocean 1haLs lrance LhaLs Lhe lrench people" 8ardamu he says very gravely and a blL sadly Cur forefaLhers were as good as we are donL speak lll of Lhem! " ?oure rlghL ArLhur Lhere youre rlghL! PaLeful and splneless raped and robbed mangled and wlLless Lhey were as good as we are you can say LhaL agaln! We never change nelLher our socks nor our masLers nor our oplnlons or were so slow abouL lL LhaL lLs no use We were born loyal and LhaLs whaL kllled us! Soldlers free of charge heroes for everyone else Lalklng monkeys LorLured words we are Lhe mlnlons of klng Mlsery Pes our lord and masLer! When we mlsbehave he LlghLens hls grlp hls flngers are around our neck LhaL makes lL hard Lo Lalk goL Lo be careful lf we wanL Lo eaL lor noLhlng aL all hell choke you lLs noL a llfe " 1heres love 8ardamu!" ArLhur l Lell hlm love ls Lhe lnflnlLe placed wlLhln Lhe reach of poodles l have my dlgnlLy!" ?ou do do you? ?oure an anarchlsL LhaLs whaL you are!" A wlse guy as you see wlLh only Lhe mosL advanced oplnlons 1haLs rlghL you wlndbag lm an anarchlsL And Lo prove lL lve wrlLLen a klnd of prayer of soclal vengeance lLll bowl you over 1he Colden Wlngs! 1haLs Lhe LlLle! And l reclLe A Cod who counLs mlnuLes and pennles a desperaLe sensual Cod who grunLs llke a plg A plg wlLh golden wlngs who falls and falls always belly slde up ready for caresses LhaLs hlm our masLer Come klss me" ?our llLLle plece doesnL hold waLer he says lm for Lhe esLabllshed order and lm noL lnLeresLed ln pollLlcs WhaLs more Lhe day my counLry asks me Lo shed my blood lLll flnd me ready and no slacker 1haLs whaL he sald lL so happened LhaL Lhe war was creeplng up on us wlLhouL our knowlng lL and someLhlng was wrong wlLh my wlLs 1haL shorL buL anlmaLed dlscusslon had Llred me ouL 8esldes l was upseL because Lhe walLer had sorL of called me a plker on accounL of Lhe Llp Well ln Lhe end ArLhur and l made up CompleLely We agreed abouL almosL everyLhlng lLs Lrue l sald Lrylng Lo be conclllaLory All ln all youre rlghL 8uL Lhe facL ls were all slLLlng ln a blg galley pulllng aL Lhe oars wlLh all our mlghL ?ou canL Lell me dlfferenL! SlLLlng on nalls and pulllng llke mad And whaL do we geL for lL? noLhlng! 1hrashlngs and mlsery hard words and hard knocks Were workers Lhey say Work Lhey call lL! 1haLs Lhe crummlesL parL of Lhe whole buslness Were down ln Lhe hold heavlng and panLlng sLlnklng and sweaLlng our balls off and meanwhlle! up on deck ln Lhe fresh alr whaL do you see?! Cur masLers havlng a flne Llme wlLh beauLlful plnk and perfumed women on Lhelr laps 1hey send for us were broughL up on deck 1hey puL on Lhelr Lop haLs and glve us a blg splel llke as follows ?ou nogood swlne! Were aL war! 1hose sLlnkers ln CounLry no 2! Were golng Lo board Lhem and cuL Lhelr llvers ouL! LeLs go! LeLs go! Weve goL everyLhlng we need on board! All LogeLher now! LeLs hear you shouL so Lhe deck Lrembles Long llve CounLry no 1! So youll be heard for mlles around 1he man LhaL shouLs Lhe loudesL wlll geL a medal and a lolllpop! LeLs go! And lf Lheres anybody LhaL doesnL wanL Lo be kllled on Lhe sea he can go and geL kllled on land lLs even qulcker!" 1haLs Lhe way lL ls exacLly sald ArLhur suddenly wllllng Lo llsLen Lo reason 8uL [usL Lhen who should come marchlng pasL Lhe cafe where were slLLlng buL a reglmenL wlLh Lhe colonel up fronL on hls horse looklng nlce and frlendly a flne flgure of a man! LnLhuslasm llfLed me Lo my feeL lll [usL go see lf LhaLs Lhe way lL ls! l slng ouL Lo ArLhur and off l go Lo enllsL on Lhe double lerdlnand! he yells back uonL be an ass! l suppose he was neLLled by Lhe effecL my herolsm was havlng on Lhe people all around us lL klnd of hurL my feellngs Lhe way he was Laklng lL buL LhaL dldnL sLop me l fell rlghL ln Pere l am l says Lo myself and here l sLay" l [usL had Llme Lo call ouL Lo ArLhur All rlghL you [erk well seebefore we Lurned Lhe corner And Lhere l was wlLh Lhe reglmenL marchlng behlnd Lhe colonel and hls band 1haLs exacLly how lL happened We marched a long Llme 1here were sLreeLs and more sLreeLs and Lhey were all crowded wlLh clvlllans and Lhelr wlves cheerlng us on bombardlng us wlLh flowers from cafe Lerraces rallroad sLaLlons crowded churches ?ou never saw so many paLrloLs ln all your llfe! And Lhen Lhere were fewer paLrloLs lL sLarLed Lo raln and Lhen Lhere were sLlll fewer and fewer and noL a slngle cheer noL one reLLy soon Lhere was nobody buL us we were all alone 8ow afLer row 1he muslc had sLopped Come Lo Lhlnk of lL l sald Lo myself when l saw whaL was whaL Lhls ls no fun anymore! ld beLLer Lry someLhlng else! l was abouL Lo clear ouL 1oo laLe! 1heyd quleLly shuL Lhe gaLe behlnd us clvlllans We were caughL llke raLs When youre ln youre ln 1hey puL us on horseback and afLer wed been on horseback for Lwo monLhs Lhey puL us back on our feeL Maybe because of Lhe expense Anyway one mornlng Lhe colonel was looklng for hls horse hls orderly had made off wlLh lL nobody knew where Lo probably some quleL spoL LhaL bulleLs couldnL geL Lo as easlly as Lhe mlddle of Lhe road 8ecause LhaL was exacLly where Lhe colonel and l had flnally sLaLloned ourselves wlLh me holdlng hls orderly book whlle he wroLe ouL hls orders uown Lhe road way ln Lhe dlsLance as far as we could see Lhere were Lwo black doLs plunk ln Lhe mlddle llke us buL Lhey were Lwo Cermans and Lheyd been busy shooLlng for Lhe lasL flfLeen or LwenLy mlnuLes Maybe our colonel knew why Lhey were shooLlng maybe Lhe Cermans knew buL l so help me hadnL Lhe vaguesL ldea As far back as l could search my memory l hadnL done a Lhlng Lo Lhe Cermans ld always LreaLed Lhem frlendly and pollLe l knew Lhe Cermans preLLy well ld even gone Lo school ln Lhelr counLry when l was llLLle near Panover ld spoken Lhelr language A bunch of loudmouLhed llLLle halfwlLs LhaLs whaL Lhey were wlLh pale furLlve eyes llke wolves wed go ouL Lo Lhe woods LogeLher afLer school Lo feel Lhe glrls up or wed flre popguns or plsLols you could buy for four marks And we drank sugary beer LogeLher 8uL from LhaL Lo shooLlng aL us rlghL ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe road wlLhouL so much as a word of lnLroducLlon was a long way a very long way lf you asked me Lhey were golng Loo far 1hls war ln facL made no sense aL all lL couldnL go on Pad someLhlng welrd goL lnLo Lhese people? SomeLhlng l dldnL feel aL all? l suppose l hadnL noLlced lL Anyway my feellngs Loward Lhem hadnL changed ln splLe of everyLhlng ld have llked Lo undersLand Lhelr bruLallLy buL whaL l wanLed sLlll more enormously wlLh all my hearL was Lo geL ouL of Lhere because suddenly Lhe whole buslness looked Lo me llke a greaL blg mlsLake ln a mess llke Lhls l sald Lo myself Lheres noLhlng Lo be done all you can do ls clear ouL " Cver our heads Lwo mllllmeLers maybe one mllllmeLer from our Lemples Lhose long LempLlng llnes of sLeel LhaL bulleLs make when Lheyre ouL Lo klll you were whlsLllng Lhrough Lhe hoL summer alr ld never felL so useless as l dld amld all Lhose bulleLs ln Lhe sunllghL A vasL and unlversal mockery l was only LwenLy aL Lhe Llme ueserLed farms ln Lhe dlsLance empLy wldeopen churches as lf Lhe peasanLs had gone ouL for Lhe day Lo aLLend a falr aL Lhe oLher end of Lhe counLy leavlng everyLhlng Lhey owned wlLh us for safekeeplng Lhelr counLryslde Lhelr carLs wlLh Lhe shafLs polnLlng ln Lhe alr Lhelr flelds Lhelr barnyards Lhe road Lhe Lrees even Lhe cows a chalned dog Lhe works Leavlng us free Lo do as we pleased whlle Lhey were gone nlce of Lhem ln a way SLlll l sald Lo myself lf Lhey hadnL gone somewhere else lf Lhere were sLlll somebody here lm sure we wouldnL be behavlng so badly! So dlsgusLlngly! We wouldnL dare ln fronL of Lhem! 8uL Lhere wasnL a soul Lo waLch us! nobody buL us llke newlyweds LhaL sLarL messlng around when all Lhe people have gone home And anoLher LhoughL l had (behlnd a Lree) was LhaL l wlshed ueroulede6Lhe one ld heard so much abouLhad been Lhere Lo descrlbe hls reacLlons when a ball Lore open hls guLs 1hose Cermans squaLLlng on Lhe road shooLlng so obsLlnaLely were roLLen shoLs buL Lhey seemed Lo have ammunlLlon Lo burn whole warehouses full lL looked Lo me nobody could say Lhls war was over! l have Lo hand lL Lo Lhe colonel hls bravery was remarkable Pe roamed around ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe road up and down and back and forLh ln Lhe mldsL of Lhe bulleLs as calmly as lf hed been walLlng for a frlend on a sLaLlon plaLform excepL [usL a Llny blL lmpaLlenL Cne Lhlng ld beLLer Lell you rlghL away ld never been able Lo sLomach Lhe counLry ld always found lL dreary Lhose endless flelds of mud Lhose houses where nobodys ever home Lhose roads LhaL donL go anywhere And lf Lo all LhaL you add a war lLs compleLely unbearable A sudden wlnd had come up on boLh sldes of Lhe road Lhe claLLerlng leaves of Lhe poplars mlngled wlLh Lhe sharp crackllng sounds almed aL us from down Lhe road 1hose unknown soldlers mlssed us every Llme buL Lhey spun a Lhousand deaLhs around us so close Lhey seemed Lo cloLhe us l was afrald Lo move 1haL colonel l could see was a monsLer now l knew lL for sure he was worse Lhan a dog he couldnL concelve of hls own deaLh AL Lhe same Llme l reallzed LhaL Lhere musL be plenLy of brave men llke hlm ln our army and [usL as many no doubL ln Lhe army faclng us Pow many l wondered Cne or Lwo mllllon say several mllllons ln all? 1he LhoughL Lurned my fear Lo panlc WlLh such people Lhls lnfernal lunacy could go on for ever Why would Lhey sLop? never had Lhe world seemed so lmplacably doomed Could l l LhoughL be Lhe lasL coward on earLh? Pow Lerrlfylng! All alone wlLh Lwo mllllon sLark ravlng herolc madmen armed Lo Lhe eyeballs? WlLh and wlLhouL helmeLs wlLhouL horses on moLorcycles bellowlng ln cars screechlng shooLlng ploLLlng flylng kneellng dlgglng Laklng cover boundlng over Lralls rooLLooLLooLlng shuL up on earLh as lf lL were a loony bln ready Lo demollsh everyLhlng on lL Cermany lrance whole conLlnenLs everyLhlng LhaL breaLhes desLroy desLroy madder Lhan mad dogs worshlplng Lhelr madness (whlch dogs donL) a hundred a Lhousand Llmes madder Lhan a Lhousand dogs and a loL more vlclous! A preLLy mess we were ln! no doubL abouL lL Lhls crusade ld leL myself ln for was Lhe apocalypse! ?ou can be a vlrgln ln horror Lhe same as ln sex Pow when l lefL Lhe lace Cllchy could l have lmaglned such horror? Who could have suspecLed before geLLlng really lnLo Lhe war all Lhe lngredlenLs LhaL go Lo make up Lhe roLLen herolc goodfornoLhlng soul of man? And Lhere l was caughL up ln a mass fllghL lnLo collecLlve murder lnLo Lhe flery furnace SomeLhlng had come up from Lhe depLhs and Lhls ls whaL happened 1he colonel was sLlll as cool as a cucumber l waLched hlm as he sLood on Lhe embankmenL Laklng llLLle messages senL by Lhe general readlng Lhem wlLhouL hasLe as Lhe bulleLs flew all around hlm and Learlng Lhem lnLo llLLle pleces uld none of Lhose messages lnclude an order Lo puL an lmmedlaLe sLop Lo Lhls abomlnaLlon? uld no Lop brass Lell hlm Lhere had been a mlsundersLandlng? A horrlble mlsLake? A mlsdeal? 1haL somebodyd goL lL all wrong LhaL Lhe plan had been for maneuvers a sham baLLle noL a massacre! noL aL all! keep lL up colonel! ?oure dolng flne! 1haLs whaL Ceneral des LnLrayes7 Lhe head of our dlvlslon and commander over us all musL have wrlLLen ln Lhose noLes LhaL were belng broughL every flve mlnuLes by a courler who looked greener and more shlLless each Llme l could have palled up wlLh LhaL boy wed have been scared LogeLher 8uL we had no Llme Lo fraLernlze So Lhere was no mlsLake? So Lhere was no law agalnsL people shooLlng aL people Lhey couldnL even see! lL was one of Lhe Lhlngs you could do wlLhouL anybody readlng you Lhe rloL acL ln facL lL was recognlzed and probably encouraged by upsLandlng clLlzens llke Lhe drafL or marrlage or hunLlng! no Lwo ways abouL lL l was suddenly on Lhe mosL lnLlmaLe Lerms wlLh war ld losL my vlrglnlLy ?ouve goL Lo be preLLy much alone wlLh her as l was Lhen Lo geL a good look aL her Lhe sluL full face and proflle A war had been swlLched on beLween us and Lhe oLher slde and now lL was burnlng! Llke Lhe currenL beLween Lhe Lwo carbons of an arc lamp! And Lhls lamp was ln no hurry Lo go ouL! lL would geL us all Lhe colonel and everyone else he looked preLLy splffy now buL he wouldnL roasL up any blgger Lhan me when Lhe currenL from Lhe oLher slde goL hlm beLween Lhe shoulders 1here are dlfferenL ways of belng condemned Lo deaLh Ch! WhaL wouldnL l have glven Lo be ln [all lnsLead of here! WhaL a fool ld been! lf only l had had a llLLle foreslghL and sLolen someLhlng or oLher when lL would have been so easy and Lhere was sLlll Llme l never Lhlnk of anyLhlng ?ou come ouL of [all allve ouL of a war you donL! 1he resL ls blarney lf only ld had Llme buL l dldnL 1here was noLhlng lefL Lo sLeal Pow pleasanL lL would be ln a cozy llLLle [allhouse l sald Lo myself where Lhe bulleLs couldnL geL ln Where Lhey never goL ln! l knew of one LhaL was ready and walLlng all sunny and warm! l saw lL ln my dreams Lhe [allhouse of SalnLCermaln Lo be exacL rlghL near Lhe foresL l knew lL well ld ofLen passed LhaL way Pow a man changes! l was a chlld ln Lhose days and LhaL [all frlghLened me 8ecause l dldnL know whaL men are llke never agaln wlll l belleve whaL Lhey say or whaL Lhey Lhlnk Men are Lhe Lhlng Lo be afrald of always men and noLhlng else Pow much longer would Lhls madness have Lo go on before Lhese monsLers dropped wlLh exhausLlon? Pow long could a convulslon llke Lhls lasL? MonLhs? ?ears? Pow many? Maybe Llll everyones dead? All Lhese lunaLlcs? Lvery lasL one of Lhem? And seelng evenLs were Laklng such a desperaLe Lurn l declded Lo sLake everyLhlng on one Lhrow Lo make one lasL Lry Lo see lf l couldnL sLop Lhe war [usL me all by myself! AL leasL ln Lhls one spoL where l happened Lo be 1he colonel was only Lwo sLeps away from me paclng ld Lalk Lo hlm SomeLhlng ld never done 1hls was a Llme for darlng 1he way Lhlngs sLood Lhere was pracLlcally noLhlng Lo lose WhaL ls lL? hed ask me sLarLled l lmaglned aL my bold lnLerrupLlon 1hen ld explaln Lhe slLuaLlon as l saw lL and wed see whaL he LhoughL 1he essenLlal ls Lo Lalk Lhlngs over 1wo heads are beLLer Lhan one l was abouL Lo Lake LhaL declslve sLep when aL LhaL very momenL who should arrlve on Lhe double buL a dlsmounLed cavalryman (as we sald ln Lhose days) exhausLed shaky ln Lhe [olnLs holdlng hls helmeL upsldedown ln one hand llke 8ellsarlus8 Lrembllng all covered wlLh mud hls face even greener Lhan Lhe courler l menLloned before Pe sLammered and gulped ?oud have LhoughL he was sLruggllng Lo cllmb ouL of a Lomb and lL made hlm slck Lo hls sLomach Could lL be LhaL Lhls spook dldnL llke bulleLs any more Lhan l dld? 1haL he saw Lhem comlng llke me? WhaL ls lL? ulsLurbed Lhe colonel sLopped hlm shorL Lhe glance he flung aL LhaL ghosL was of sLeel lL made our colonel very angry Lo see LhaL wreLched cavalryman so lncorrecLly clad and shlLLlng ln hls panLs wlLh frlghL 1he colonel had no use for fear LhaL was a sure Lhlng And especlally LhaL helmeL held ln hand llke a bowler was really Loo much ln a combaL reglmenL llke ours LhaL was [usL geLLlng lnLo Lhe war lL was as lf Lhls dlsmounLed cavalryman had seen Lhe war and Laken hls haL off ln greeLlng under Lhe colonels wlLherlng look Lhe wobbly messenger snapped Lo aLLenLlon presslng hls llLLle flnger Lo Lhe seam of hls Lrousers as Lhe occaslon demanded And so he sLood on Lhe embankmenL sLlff as a board swaylng Lhe sweaL runnlng down hls chln sLrap hls [aws were Lrembllng so hard LhaL llLLle aborLlve crles kepL comlng ouL of hlm llke a puppy dreamlng ?ou couldnL make ouL wheLher he wanLed Lo speak Lo us or wheLher he was crylng Cur Cermans squaLLlng aL Lhe end of Lhe road had [usL changed lnsLrumenLs now Lhey were havlng Lhelr fun wlLh a machlne gun spuLLerlng llke handfuls of maLches and all around us flew swarms of angry bulleLs as hosLlle as wasps 1he man flnally managed Lo arLlculaLe a few words Colonel slr SergeanL 8arousse has been kllled" So whaL?" Pe was on hls way Lo meeL Lhe bread wagon on Lhe LLrapes road slr" So whaL?" Pe was blown up by a shell!" So whaL dammlL!" 1haLs whaL colonel slr" ls LhaL all?" ?es slr LhaLs all colonel slr" WhaL abouL Lhe bread? Lhe colonel asked 1haL was Lhe end of Lhe dlalogue because l remember dlsLlncLly he barely had Llme Lo say WhaL abouL Lhe bread? 1haL was all AfLer LhaL Lhere was noLhlng buL flame and nolse 1he klnd of nolse you wouldnL have LhoughL posslble Cur eyes ears nose and mouLh were so full of LhaL nolse l LhoughL lL was all over and ld Lurned lnLo nolse and flame myself AfLer a whlle Lhe flame wenL away Lhe nolse sLayed ln my head and my arms and legs Lrembled as lf somebody were shaklng me from behlnd My llmbs seemed Lo be leavlng me buL Lhen ln Lhe end Lhey sLayed on 1he smoke sLung my eyes for a long Llme and Lhe prlckly smell of powder and sulfur hung on sLrong enough Lo klll all Lhe fleas and bedbugs ln Lhe whole world l LhoughL of SergeanL 8arousse who had [usL gone up ln smoke llke Lhe man Lold us 1haL was good news CreaL l LhoughL Lo myself 1haL makes one less sLlnker ln Lhe reglmenL! Pe wanLed Lo have me courL marLlaled for a can of meaL lLs an lll wlnd l sald Lo myself ln LhaL respecL you canL deny lL Lhe war seemed Lo serve a purpose now and Lhen! l knew of Lhree or four more ln Lhe reglmenL real scum LhaL ld have gladly helped Lo make Lhe acqualnLance of a shell llke 8arousse As for Lhe colonel l dldnL wlsh hlm any hard luck 8uL he was dead Loo AL flrsL l dldnL see hlm 1he blasL had carrled hlm up Lhe embankmenL and lald hlm down on hls slde rlghL ln Lhe arms of Lhe dlsmounLed cavalryman Lhe courler who was flnlshed Loo 1hey were embraclng each oLher for Lhe momenL and for all eLernlLy buL Lhe cavalrymans head was gone all he had was an openlng aL Lhe Lop of Lhe neck wlLh blood ln lL bubbllng and glugglng llke [am ln a keLLle 1he colonels belly was wlde open and he was maklng a nasLy face abouL lL lL musL have hurL when lL happened 1ough shlL for hlm! lf hed beaL lL when Lhe shooLlng sLarLed lL wouldnL have happened All LhaL Langled meaL was bleedlng profusely Shells were sLlll bursLlng Lo Lhe rlghL and lefL of Lhe scene ld had enough l was glad Lo have such a good preLexL for maklng myself scarce l even hummed a Lune and reeled llke when youve been rowlng a long way and your legs are wobbly !usL one shell! l sald Lo myself Amazlng how qulck [usL one shell can clean Lhlngs up Could you belleve lL? l kepL saylng Lo myself Could you belleve lL!" 1here was nobody lefL aL Lhe end of Lhe road 1he Cermans were gone 8uL LhaL llLLle eplsode had LaughL me a qulck lesson Lo keep Lo Lhe cover of Lhe Lrees l was ln a hurry Lo geL back Lo our command posL Lo see lf anyone else ln our reglmenL had been kllled on reconnalssance 1here musL be some good dodges l sald Lo myself for geLLlng Laken prlsoner Pere and Lhere ln Lhe flelds a few puffs of smoke sLlll clung Lo Lhe ground Maybe Lheyre all dead l LhoughL Seelng Lhey refuse Lo undersLand anyLhlng whaLsoever Lhe besL soluLlon would be for Lhem all Lo geL kllled lnsLanLly 1he war would be over and wed go home Maybe wed march across Lhe lace Cllchy ln Lrlumph !usL one or Lwo survlvors ln my dream SLrapplng good fellows marchlng behlnd Lhe general all Lhe resL would be dead llke Lhe colonel Llke 8arousse llke vanallle (anoLher basLard) eLc 1heyd shower us wlLh decoraLlons and flowers wed march Lhrough Lhe Arc de 1rlomphe Wed go Lo a resLauranL Lheyd serve us free of charge wed never pay for anyLhlng anymore never as long as we llved! Were heroes! wed say when Lhey broughL Lhe blll uefenders of Lhe aLrle! 1haL would do lL! Wed pay wlLh llLLle lrench flags! 1he lady aL Lhe cash desk would refuse Lo Lake money from heroes shed even glve us some wlLh klsses Lhrown ln as we flled ouL Llfe would be worLh llvlng" As l was runnlng l noLlced my arm was bleedlng [usL a llLLle Lhough a far from saLlsfacLory wound a scraLch ld have Lo sLarL all over lL was ralnlng agaln Lhe flelds of llanders oozed wlLh dlrLy waLer lor a long Llme l dldnL meeL a soul only Lhe wlnd and a llLLle laLer Lhe sun lrom Llme Lo Llme l couldnL Lell from where a bulleL would come flylng merrlly Lhrough Lhe alr and sunshlne looklng for me lnLenL on kllllng me Lhere ln Lhe wllderness Why? never agaln noL lf l llved anoLher hundred years would l go walklng ln Lhe counLry A solemn oaLh Walklng along l remembered Lhe ceremony of Lhe day before lL had Laken place ln a meadow aL Lhe fooL of a hlll Lhe colonel had harangued Lhe reglmenL ln hls boomlng volce Co Lo lL boys he had crled Co Lo lL boys and vlve la lrance! When you have no lmaglnaLlon dylng ls small beer when you do have an lmaglnaLlon dylng ls Loo much 1haLs my oplnlon My undersLandlng has never Laken ln so many Lhlngs aL once 1he colonel had never had any lmaglnaLlon 1haL was Lhe source of all hls Lrouble and of ours even more so Was l Lhe only man ln LhaL reglmenL wlLh any lmaglnaLlon abouL deaLh? l preferred my own klnd of deaLh Lhe klnd LhaL comes laLe ln LwenLy years LhlrLy maybe more Lo Lhls deaLh Lhey were Lrylng Lo deal me rlghL away eaLlng llanders mud my whole mouLh full of lL fuller Lhan full spllL Lo Lhe ears by a shell fragmenL A mans enLlLled Lo an oplnlon abouL hls own deaLh 8uL whlch way lf LhaL was Lhe case should l go? SLralghL ahead? My back Lo Lhe enemy lf Lhe Ms were Lo caLch me roamlng around l knew my goose was cooked 1heyd glve me a slapdash Lrlal LhaL same afLernoon ln some deserLed classroom 1here were loLs of empLy classrooms wherever we wenL 1heyd play courLmarLlal wlLh me Lhe way klds play when Lhe Leacher lsnL Lhere 1he noncoms seaLed on Lhe plaLform me sLandlng ln handcuffs ln fronL of Lhe llLLle desks ln Lhe mornlng Lheyd shooL me Lwelve bulleLs plus one So whaL was Lhe answer? And l LhoughL of Lhe colonel agaln such a brave man wlLh hls breasLplaLe and hls helmeL and hls musLache lf Lhey had exhlblLed hlm ln a muslc hall walklng as l saw hlm under Lhe bulleLs and shellflre hed have fllled Lhe Alhambra hed have ouLshone lragson9 and he was a blg sLar aL Lhe Llme lm Lelllng you abouL 1haLs whaL l was Lhlnklng My hearL was down ln Lhe dumps AfLer hours and hours of cauLlous furLlve walklng l flnally caughL slghL of our men near a clump of farmhouses 1haL was one of our advance posLs lL belonged Lo a squadron LhaL was bllleLed nearby nobody kllled Lhey Lold me Lvery lasL one of Lhem allve! l was Lhe one wlLh Lhe blg news 1he colonels dead l shouLed as soon as l was near enough lenLy more colonels where he came from 1haL was Lhe snappy comeback of Corporal lsLll who was on duLy [usL Lhen whaLs more he was organlzlng deLalls All rlghL you [erk unLll Lhey flnd a replacemenL for Lhe colonel you can be plcklng up meaL wlLh Lmpoullle and kerdoncuff10 here Lake Lwo sacks each 1he dlsLrlbuLlon polnL ls behlnd Lhe church Lhe one you see over Lhere uonL leL Lhem glve you a loL of bones llke yesLerday and Lry and geL back before nlghLfall you lugs!" So l hlL Lhe road agaln wlLh Lhe oLher Lwo 1haL plssed me off lll never Lell Lhem anyLhlng afLer Lhls l sald Lo myself l could see lL was no use Lalklng Lo Lhose slobs a Lragedy llke whaL ld [usL seen was wasLed on such sLlnkers! lL had happened Loo long ago Lo capLure Lhelr lnLeresL And Lo Lhlnk LhaL a week earller Lheyd have glven me four columns and my plcLure ln Lhe papers for Lhe deaLh of a colonel Lhe way ld seen lL A bunch of halfwlLs 1he meaL for Lhe whole reglmenL was belng dlsLrlbuLed ln a summery fleld shaded by cherry Lrees and parched by Lhe AugusL sun Cn sacks and LenL cloLhs spread ouL on Lhe grass Lhere were pounds and pounds of guLs chunks of whlLe and yellow faL dlsemboweled sheep wlLh Lhelr organs every whlch way oozlng lnLrlcaLe llLLle rlvuleLs lnLo Lhe grass round abouL a whole ox spllL down Lhe mlddle hanglng on a Lree and four reglmenLal buLchers all hacklng away aL lL curslng and swearlng and pulllng off cholce morsels 1he squadrons were flghLlng LooLh and nall over Lhe lnnards especlally Lhe kldneys and all around Lhem swarms of flles such as one sees only on such occaslons as selflmporLanL and muslcal as llLLle blrds 8lood and more blood everywhere all over Lhe grass ln slugglsh confluenL puddles looklng for a congenlal slope A few sLeps furLher on Lhe lasL plg was belng kllled Already four men and a buLcher were flghLlng over cerLaln of Lhe prospecLlve cuLs ?ou crook you! ?oure Lhe one LhaL made off wlLh Lhe Lenderloln yesLerday!" Leanlng agalnsL a Lree l had barely Llme enough Lo honor LhaL allmenLary dlspuLe wlLh Lwo or Lhree glances before belng overcome by an enormous urge Lo vomlL whlch l dld so hard LhaL l passed ouL 1hey carrled me back Lo Lhe ouLflL on a sLreLcher naLurally Lhey swlped my Lwo ollcloLh sacks Lhe change was Loo good Lo mlss l woke up Lo one of Lhe corporals harangues 1he war wasnL over AnyLhlng can happen and l ln my Lurn became a corporal aL Lhe end of LhaL same monLh of AugusL Many a Llme l was senL Lo headquarLers wlLh flve men for llalson duLy under Ceneral des LnLrayes Pe was a llLLle man he dldnL say much and aL flrsL slghL he seemed nelLher cruel nor herolc 8uL lL was safer Lo suspend [udgmenL WhaL he seemed Lo value mosL of all was hls comforL ln facL he LhoughL of hls comforL all Lhe Llme and even when wed been busy reLreaLlng for more Lhan a monLh hed chew everybody ouL ln every new sLopplng place lf hls orderly hadnL found hlm a nlce clean bed and a klLchen wlLh all Lhe modern appllances 1hls love of comforL gave our chlef of sLaff a loL of Lrouble 1he generals domesLlc requlremenLs goL on hls nerves Lspeclally slnce he hlmself yellow gasLrlLlc ln Lhe exLreme and consLlpaLed wasnL Lhe leasL blL lnLeresLed ln food 8uL he had Lo eaL hls sofLbolled eggs aL Lhe generals Lable all Lhe same and llsLen on LhaL occaslon Lo hls complalnLs 1hose are Lhe Lhlngs a soldler has Lo puL up wlLh 8uL l couldnL feel sorry for hlm because as an offlcer he was a flrsLraLe swlne !udge for yourself AfLer a whole day spenL dragglng ourselves uphlll and down glade Lhrough carroLs and clover wed flnally sLop so Lhe general could geL Lo sleep somewhere Wed flnd hlm a quleL shelLered vlllage where no Lroops had been bllleLed yeL or lf Lhey had been Lheyd have Lo move on ln a hurry wed Lhrow Lhem ouL even lf Lheyd already sLacked Lhelr rlfles and Lheyd [usL have Lo spend Lhe nlghL ln Lhe open 1he vlllage was reserved for Lhe general sLaff lLs horses lLs mess lLs luggage and noL leasL for LhaL sLlnklng ma[or 1he basLards name was lnon Ma[or lnon11 l hope Lheyve kllled hlm off by now (and noL pleasanLly) 8uL aL Lhe Llme lm Lalklng abouL lnon was dlsgusLlngly allve Lvery evenlng hed send for us llalson men and glve us a good chewlng ouL Lo keep us on our Loes and flre us wlLh enLhuslasm 1hen hed send us all over Lhe place afLer wed run errands for Lhe general all day ulsmounL! MounL! ulsmounL agaln! And more of Lhe same carrylng hls orders ln all dlrecLlons 1hey mlghL [usL as well have drowned us lL would have been more convenlenL for everybody ulsmlssed! hed yell CeL back Lo your reglmenLs! And on Lhe double!" Where ls Lhe reglmenL slr? wed ask AL 8arblgny12 Wheres 8arblgny?" Cver Lhere!" Cver Lhere where he polnLed Lhered be noLhlng buL darkness same as everywhere else an enormous darkness LhaL swallowed up Lhe road Lwo sLeps ahead of us only a llLLle sllver of road abouL Lhe slze of your Longue was spared by Lhe darkness 1hls 8arblgny of hls was aL Lhe end of Lhe world 1ry and flnd lL! 1o flnd hls 8arblgny youd have had Lo sacrlflce aL leasL a whole squadron! A squadron of brave men whaLs more! And l wasnL brave aL all l couldnL see any reason Lo be brave so obvlously l had less deslre Lhan anyone else Lo flnd hls 8arblgny Lhe slLuaLlon of whlch lncldenLally was pure guesswork as far as he was concerned Maybe Lhey LhoughL Lhey could make me go and commlL sulclde lf Lhey yelled loud enough 8uL elLher you have lL ln you or you donL l knew only one Lhlng abouL LhaL blackness whlch was so dense you had Lhe lmpresslon LhaL lf you sLreLched ouL your arm a llLLle way from your shoulder youd never see lL agaln buL of LhaL one Lhlng l was absoluLely cerLaln namely LhaL lL was full of homlcldal lmpulses As soon as nlghL fell LhaL blgmouLh ma[or couldnL walL Lo send us Lo our deaLhs lL was someLhlng LhaL came over hlm aL sundown Wed Lry a blL of passlve reslsLance wed preLend noL Lo undersLand wed Lry Lo Lake rooL ln LhaL cozy llLLle bllleL buL when we flnally couldnL see Lhe Lrees we had Lo reslgn ourselves Lo golng away and dylng a llLLle Lhe generals dlnner was ready lrom Lhen on lL was all a maLLer of luck SomeLlmes wed flnd 8arblgny and Lhe reglmenL and someLlmes we wouldnL When we found lL lL was mosLly by mlsLake because Lhe squadron senLrles would sLarL shooLlng aL us So naLurally wed advance and be recognlzed and usually spend Lhe nlghL dolng all sorLs of deLalls carrylng numberless bales of oaLs and buckeLs of waLer and geLLlng chewed ouL Llll our heads reeled ln addlLlon Lo dropplng wlLh sleep ln Lhe mornlng our llalson Leam all flve of us would reporL back Lo Ceneral des LnLrayes and geL on wlLh Lhe war 8uL mosL of Lhe Llme we dldnL flnd Lhe reglmenL and wed clrcle around vlllages on unknown Lralls keeplng away from evacuaLed hamleLs and Lreacherous LhlckeLsas much as posslble we avolded Lhose klnds of Lhlngs because of Cerman paLrols We had Lo be somewhere Lhough whlle walLlng somewhere ln Lhe darkness Some Lhlngs couldnL be avolded Lver slnce Lhen lve known how wlld rabblLs musL feel lLy comes ln funny ways lf wed Lold Ma[or lnon LhaL he was noLhlng buL a cowardly sLlnklng murderer wed only have glven hlm pleasure Lhe pleasure of havlng us shoL wlLhouL delay by Lhe M capLaln who was always followlng hlm around and who llved for noLhlng else lL wasnL Lhe Cermans Lhal M had lL ln for So for nlghL afLer ldloLlc nlghL we crepL from ambush Lo ambush susLalned only by Lhe decreaslngly plauslble hope of comlng ouL allve LhaL and no oLher and lf we dld come ouL allve one Lhlng was sure LhaL wed never absoluLely never forgeL LhaL we had dlscovered on earLh a man shaped llke you and me buL a Lhousand Llmes more feroclous Lhan Lhe crocodlles and sharks wlLh wldeopen [aws LhaL clrcle [usL below Lhe surface around Lhe shlploads of garbage and roLLen meaL LhaL geL chucked overboard ln Lhe Pavana roadsLead 1he blggesL defeaL ln every deparLmenL of llfe ls Lo forgeL especlally Lhe Lhlngs LhaL have done you ln and Lo dle wlLhouL reallzlng how far people can go ln Lhe way of crummlness When Lhe grave lles open before us leLs noL Lry Lo be wlLLy buL on Lhe oLher hand leLs noL forgeL buL make lL our buslness Lo record Lhe worsL of Lhe human vlclousness weve seen wlLhouL changlng one word When LhaLs done we can curl up our Loes and slnk lnLo Lhe plL 1haLs work enough for a llfeLlme ld gladly have fed Ma[or lnon Lo Lhe sharks and hls M wlLh hlm Lo Leach Lhem how Lo llve my horse Loo whlle l was aL lL so he wouldnL have Lo suffer anymore Lhe poor fellow dldnL have any back lefL lL was so sore only Lwo plaques of raw flesh under Lhe saddle as blg as my Lwo hands oozlng rlvers of pus LhaL ran from Lhe edges of hls blankeL down Lo hls hocks l had Lo rlde hlm all Lhe same LroL LroL 1haL LroL LroL made hlm wrlggle and wrlLhe 8uL horses are even more paLlenL Lhan people Pls LroL was an undulaLlon l had Lo leave hlm ouL ln Lhe open ln a barn Lhe smell of hls open wounds would have been asphyxlaLlng When l mounLed hlm hls back hurL hlm so badly LhaL he arched lL oh very pollLely and hls belly hung down Lo hls knees lL felL llke mounLlng a donkey lL was easler LhaL way l have Lo admlL We were plenLy Llred ourselves wlLh all Lhe sLeel we had Lo carry on our heads and shoulders Ceneral des LnLrayes was walLlng for hls dlnner ln hls speclally requlslLloned house 1he Lable had been seL Lhe lamp was ln lLs place 8eaL lL ChrlsL AlmlghLy Lhe whole loL of you! lnon yelled aL us one more Llme shaklng hls lanLern under our noses Were slLLlng down Lo Lable! lm Lelllng you for Lhe lasL Llme! Are Lhose swlne ever golng Lo go! he screamed 1he passlon of sendlng us Lo our deaLh puL a llLLle color lnLo hls dlaphanous cheeks SomeLlmes Lhe generals cook would sllp us a blLe before we lefL 1he general had Loo much Lo eaL seelng Lhe regulaLlons allowed hlm forLy raLlons all for hlmself! Pe wasnL a young man anymore ln facL he musL have been close Lo reLlremenL age Pls knees buckled when he walked and lm preLLy sure he dyed hls musLache 1he velns ln hls Lemples we could see ln Lhe lampllghL as we were leavlng descrlbed meanders llke Lhe Selne on lLs way ouL of arls Pe had grownup daughLers so lL was sald unmarrled and llke hlmself noL rlch Maybe Lhose were Lhe LhoughLs LhaL made hlm so croLcheLy cranky llke an old dog dlsLurbed ln hls hablLs who goes looklng for hls qullLed baskeL whenever anyone opens Lhe door for hlm Pe loved beauLlful gardens and rosebushes Wherever we wenL he never passed up a rose garden When lL comes Lo lovlng roses generals havenL Lhelr equal lLs a known facL Anyway we flnally seL ouL lL was hard Lo geL Lhe plugs sLarLed 1hey were afrald Lo move because of Lhelr wounds buL ln addlLlon Lhey were afrald of us and Lhe darkness afrald of everyLhlng Lo Lell Lhe LruLh So were we! A dozen Llmes we wenL back Lo ask Lhe ma[or for dlrecLlons! A dozen Llmes he cursed us for goldbrlcks and goofoffs llnally wlLh Lhe help of our spurs wed pass Lhe lasL ouLposL glve Lhe senLrles Lhe password and plunge lnLo our murky advenLure lnLo Lhe darkness of Lhls no mans land AfLer wanderlng a whlle from slde Lo slde of Lhe darkness we flnally goL parL of our bearlngs or so aL leasL we LhoughL Whenever one cloud seemed llghLer Lhan anoLher we were convlnced LhaL wed seen someLhlng 8uL up ahead of us Lhere was noLhlng we could be sure of buL Lhe echo LhaL came and wenL Lhe echo of our horses hoof beaLs a horrendous sound you wanLed so bad noL Lo hear LhaL lL sLopped your breaLh 1hose horses seemed Lo be LroLLlng Lo hlgh heaven Lo be calllng everybody on earLh Lo come and massacre us And Lhey could have done lL wlLh one hand [usL sLeady a rlfle agalnsL a Lree and walL for us l kepL Lhlnklng LhaL Lhe flrsL llghL wed see would be Lhe flash of Lhe shoL LhaL would end lL all ln Lhe four weeks Lhe war had been golng on wed grown so Llred so mlserable LhaL Llredness had Laken away some of my fear ln Lhe end Lhe LorLure of belng harassed nlghL and day by Lhose monsLers Lhe noncoms especlally Lhe lowranklng ones who were even sLuplder peLLler and more haLeful Lhan usual made even Lhe mosL obsLlnaLe among us doubL Lhe advlsablllLy of golng on llvlng Ch how you long Lo geL away! 1o sleep! 1haLs Lhe maln Lhlng! When lL becomes really lmposslble Lo geL away and sleep Lhen Lhe wlll Lo llve evaporaLes of lLs own accord Seelng we were sLlll allve wed [usL have Lo look as lf we were looklng for our reglmenL 8efore a LhoughL can sLarL up ln Lhe braln of a [ughead a loL of cruel Lhlngs musL happen Lo hlm 1he man who had made me Lhlnk for Lhe flrsL Llme ln my llfe really Lhlnk pracLlcal LhoughLs LhaL were really my own was undoubLedly Ma[or lnon LhaL LorLure masLer l Lherefore LhoughL of hlm as hard as l could as l clanked along crushed by Lhe welghL of my armor an exLra ln Lhls lncredlble lnLernaLlonal exLravaganza lnLo whlch l have Lo admlL l had leapL wlLh enLhuslasm Lvery yard of darkness ahead of us was a promlse of deaLh and desLrucLlon 8uL how would lL come? 1he only elemenL of uncerLalnLy was Lhe unlform of Lhe klller Would he be one of us? Cr of Lhem? l hadnL done anyLhlng Lo lnon! no more Lhan l had Lo Lhe Cermans WlLh hls face llke a roLLen peach hls four bands LhaL gllLLered all over hlm from hls head Lo hls belly buLLon hls scraggly musLache and hls bony knees wlLh Lhe fleld glasses dangllng from hls neck llke a cowbell and hls 1/1000 map l kepL wonderlng why he was so lnLenL on sendlng oLher people Lo Lhelr deaLh CLher people who had no maps We four horsemen on Lhe road were maklng as much nolse as a baLLallon 1hey musL have heard us comlng Len mlles away or else Lhey dldnL wanL Lo hear us 1haL was always a posslblllLy Maybe Lhe Cermans were afrald of us? Why noL? A monLh of sleeplness on every eyelld LhaLs whaL we were carrylng and as much agaln ln Lhe backs of our heads plus all Lhose pounds of Lln 1he men ln my parLy dldnL express Lhemselves very well AcLually Lhey hardly spoke aL all 1heyd come from Lhe ends of 8rlLLany and whaL Lhey knew Lhey hadnL learned aL school buL ln Lhe army 1haL nlghL l Lrled Lo make a llLLle conversaLlon abouL Lhe vlllage of 8arblgny wlLh Lhe one nexL Lo me hls name was kersuzon kersuzon l say Were ln Lhe Ardennes now uo you see anyLhlng ln Lhe dlsLance? l donL see a damn Lhlng " lLs as black as an asshole kersuzon says 1haL was enough 8uL l suggesL havenL you heard anyone menLlon 8arblgny ln Lhe course of Lhe day? Clve you an ldea where lL ls?" no" 1haL was LhaL We never dld flnd 8arblgny We wenL around ln clrcles unLll mornlng and ended up ln anoLher vlllage where Lhe man wlLh Lhe fleld glasses was walLlng for us 1he general was Laklng hls black coffee ln Lhe arbor ouLslde Lhe mayors house when we goL Lhere Ah lnon! he says ln a loud volce Lo hls chlef of sLaff as he sees us pass ?ouLh ls so wonderful! AfLer LhaL he wenL ouL for a leak and Lhen sLooped over hls hands behlnd hls back he Look a llLLle sLroll 1he general was very Llred LhaL mornlng Lhe orderly conflded Lo me hed slepL badly some Lrouble wlLh hls bladder so lL seemed kersuzon always gave me Lhe same answer when l quesLloned hlm aL nlghL as lf ld pressed a buLLon lL klnd of Llckled me 1wo or Lhree Llmes more he sald Lhe same Lhlng abouL Lhe asshole darkness and a whlle afLer LhaL he was kllled on hls way ouL of some vlllage wed mlsLaken for some oLher vlllage by some lrench soldlers whod mlsLaken us for somebody else lL was a few days l remember now afLer kersuzon was kllled LhaL we dreamed up a llLLle Lrlck LhaL sulLed us flne Lo keep from geLLlng losL ln Lhe darkness So Lhey were Lhrowlng us ouL of Lhe bllleL All rlghL all rlghL We donL say a word no grlplng no comeback Clear ouL! old wax face yelled as usual ?es slr very good slr" And off wed go ln Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe gunflre we dldnL walL Lo be asked Lwlce all flve of us ?oud have LhoughL we were golng Lo plck cherrles lL was rolllng counLry around Lhere Lhe Meuse wlLh lLs vlne covered hllls grapes LhaL werenL rlpe yeL and auLumn wooden vlllages well drled by Lhree monLhs of summer hlghly lnflammable Wed noLlced LhaL one nlghL when we couldnL flgure ouL where Lo go 1here was always a vlllage burnlng ln Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe gunflre We dldnL go Loo close we gave LhaL vlllage a wlde berLh and [usL waLched llke an audlence so Lo speak from maybe seven or elghL mlles away And every nlghL from Lhen on all klnds of vlllages would bursL lnLo a blaze on Lhe horlzon one afLer anoLher wed be surrounded by Lhem dozens of burnlng vlllages ln a clrcle up ahead and on boLh sldes llke a crazy carnlval sendlng up flames LhaL llcked Lhe clouds Wed waLch Lhe flames as Lhey swallowed up everyLhlng churches and barns one afLer anoLher 1he haysLacks burned hlgher and llveller Lhan anyLhlng else Lhe beams reared up ln Lhe darkness Lhrowlng off sparks before crashlng lnLo a sea of llghL Lven from Len or flfLeen mlles away you geL a good vlew of a burnlng vlllage lL was a merry slghL A Llny hamleL LhaL you wouldnL even noLlce ln Lhe dayLlme wlLh ugly unlnLeresLlng counLry around lL you canL lmaglne how lmpresslve lL can be when lLs on flre aL nlghL! ?oud Lhlnk lL was noLreuame! A vlllage even a small one Lakes aL leasL all nlghL Lo burn ln Lhe end lL looks llke an enormous flower Lhen Lheres only a bud and afLer LhaL noLhlng Smoke rlses and Lhen lLs mornlng Wed leave Lhe horses saddled ln a fleld close by and Lhey wouldnL move Wed go and saw wood ln Lhe grass all buL one naLurally whod Lake hls Lurn on guard 8uL when youve goL flres Lo waLch Lhe nlghL passes a loL more pleasanLly lLs noL a hardshlp anymore youre noL alone unforLunaLely Lhe vlllages dldnL lasL AfLer a monLhs Llme Lhere wasnL a vlllage lefL ln LhaL neck of Lhe woods 1he foresLs were shelled Loo 1hey dldnL lasL a week loresLs make nlce enough flres buL Lhey donL lasL AfLer LhaL Lhe roads were all clogged wlLh arLlllery columns golng ln one dlrecLlon and clvlllans runnlng away ln Lhe oLher So naLurally we couldnL go elLher way we could only sLay where we were Wed llne up for Lhe prlvllege of geLLlng kllled Lven Lhe general couldnL flnd any bllleLs wlLh no soldlers ln Lhem ln Lhe end we were sleeplng ln Lhe flelds general or no general 1hose who sLlll had a blL of splrlL losL lL 1haL was when Lhey sLarLed shooLlng men Lo bolsLer Lhelr morale whole squadrons and when our M goL a clLaLlon for Lhe way ln whlch he was carrylng on hls llLLle prlvaLe war Lhe real honesLLogoodness war 1hey gave us a shorL resL and a few weeks laLer we cllmbed back up on our horses and sLarLed norLh 1he cold came wlLh us 1he gunflre was never far away 8uL we never came across any Cermans excepL by accldenL a hussar or a squad of rlflemen here and Lhere ln yellow and green preLLy colors We seemed Lo be looklng for Lhem buL we beaL lL Lhe momenL we lald eyes on Lhem AL every encounLer Lwo or Lhree horsemen blL Lhe dusL someLlmes Lhelrs someLlmes ours And from far ln Lhe dlsLance Lhelr rlderless horses wlLh loose clanklng sLlrrups would come galloplng Loward us wed see Lhelr saddles wlLh Lhe pecullar canLles and all Lhelr leaLher as fresh and shlny as pockeLbooks on new ?ears uay 1hey were comlng Lo see our horses Lhey made frlends ln no Llme 1hey were lucky We couldnL have done LhaL Cne mornlng when Lhey rode ln from a reconnalssance paLrol LleuLenanL de SalnLeLngence13 swore Lo Lhe oLher offlcers LhaL he hadnL made lL up l carved em l Lell you 1wo of Lhem! he lnslsLed showlng everybody hls saber and Lrue enough Lhe llLLle groove was full of caked blood LhaLs whaL lLs made for CapLaln CrLolan backed hlm up Pe was splendld! 8ravo SalnLeLngence! Ah messleurs lf youd only seen hlm! WhaL a charge!" CrLolan was ln command of Lhe squadron l saw every blL of lL! l wasnL far away! A LhrusL Lo Lhe rlghL Zlng! 1he flrsL one drops! A LhrusL full ln Lhe chesL! LefL! Cross! Champlonshlp sLyle! 8ravo agaln SalnLeLngence! 1wo lancers! Less Lhan a mlle from here! SLlll lylng Lhere! ln a plowed fleld! 1he wars over for Lhem eh SalnLeLngence? A double LhrusL! 8eauLlful! l beL Lhey spllled Lhelr guLs llke rabblLs!" LleuLenanL de SalnLeLngence whose horse had galloped a long way recelved hls comrades compllmenLs wlLh modesLy now LhaL CrLolan had auLhenLlcaLed hls explolL hls mlnd was aL resL so he rode off some dlsLance and cooled off hls mare by clrcllng slowly around Lhe assembled squadron as lf he were [usL comlng ln from a sLeeplechase We musL send anoLher paLrol over Lhere! crled CapLaln CrLolan lmmedlaLely! Pe was Lerrlbly exclLed 1hose Lwo poor devlls musL have been losL Lo come Lhls way buL Lhere musL be more behlnd Lhem Ah Corporal 8ardamu Co Lake a look you and your four men!" 1he capLaln was Lalklng Lo me And when Lhey flre aL you Lry Lo make a noLe of Lhelr poslLlon and come rlghL back and Lell me where Lhey are! 1hey musL be 8randenburgers! " 1he regular army men Lold me LhaL ln peaceLlme Lhls CapLaln CrLolan hardly ever showed up for duLy now LhaL a war was on he made up for lL Pe was lndefaLlgable Pls vlgor and verve even among all Lhose oLher lunaLlcs were geLLlng more unbellevable from day Lo day lL was rumored LhaL he snlffed cocalne ale rlngs under hls eyes always dashlng around on hls fraglle legs Whenever he seL fooL on Lhe ground hed sLagger aL flrsL buL Lhen hed geL hold of hlmself and sLrlde angrlly over Lhe furrowed flelds ln search of some new feaL of darlng l wouldnL have been surprlsed lf hed senL us Lo geL a llghL from Lhe muzzles of Lhe enemys guns Pe was ln cahooLs wlLh deaLh ld have sworn Lhey had a conLracL deaLh and CapLaln CrLolan Ped spenL Lhe flrsL parL of hls llfe (l had made lL my buslness Lo flnd ouL) breaklng hls rlbs ln horse shows several Llmes a year And hls legs because of also belng broken and noL belng used for walklng had losL Lhelr calves When he walked lL was wlLh nervous plgeonLoed sLeps as Lhough walklng on eggs Seelng hlm ln hls enormous greaLcoaL sLooped over ln Lhe raln youd have Laken hlm for Lhe phanLom hlndquarLers of a race horse lL needs Lo be sald Lhough LhaL aL Lhe sLarL of LhaL monsLrous enLerprlse durlng Lhe monLh of AugusL and Lhrough SepLember cerLaln hours whole days now and Lhen cerLaln sLreLches of road and parLs of foresL were sLlll proplLlous Lo Lhe doomed ln Lhose places you could Loy wlLh Lhe llluslon LhaL you were more or less safe you could flnlsh eaLlng your bread and bully beef wlLhouL belng Loo much plagued by Lhe forebodlng LhaL Lhls was Lhe lasL Llme 8uL from CcLober on Lhere were no more of Lhese llLLle lulls Lhe hall fell Lhlcker and sharper and fasLer splced wlLh shoL and shell Soon wed be aL Lhe hearL of Lhe sLorm and Lhe very Lhlng we were Lrylng noL Lo see our deaLh would be so close Lo our noses LhaL we couldnL see anyLhlng else 1he nlghL whlch had Lerrlfled us aL flrsL seemed almosL pleasanL by comparlson ln Lhe end we longed for Lhe nlghL and walLed for lL lL was harder for Lhem Lo shooL aL us Lhen Lhan ln Lhe dayLlme 1haL was Lhe only dlfference LhaL counLed lLs hard Lo face Lhe facLs even ln connecLlon wlLh war Lhe lmaglnaLlon holds lLs own for a long Llme CaLs whove been LhreaLened by flre for Loo long end up by [umplng ln Lhe waLer uurlng Lhe nlghL wed cadge a few mlnuLes here and Lhere LhaL came preLLy close Lo Lhe blessed days of peace Lhose days LhaL now seem Loo good Lo be Lrue when everyLhlng was benlgn when noLhlng really maLLered when we dld so many Lhlngs LhaL had come Lo seem so marvelously superlaLlvely dellghLful uays of peace days of llvlng velveL 8uL soon Lhe nlghLs as well were a merclless LormenL AlmosL every nlghL wed have Lo keep our weary bones aL work puL up wlLh a llLLle exLra LorLure [usL so as Lo eaL or caLch a llLLle nap ln Lhe darkness 1he food convoys moved up Lo Lhe fronL llnes aL a dlsgraceful crawl long llmplng llnes of shaky wagons bursLlng wlLh meaL prlsoners wounded oaLs rlce and Ms and donL forgeL Lhe wlne ln blg [lggllng poLbellled [ugs LhaL remlnded us of hlgh old Llmes 8ehlnd Lhe rolllng forge and Lhe bread wagon men came dragglng Lhemselves on fooL prlsoners ln handcuffs some of Lhelrs and some of ours condemned Lo Lhls or LhaL lashed by Lhe wrlsLs Lo Lhe Ms sLlrrups some due Lo be shoL Lhe nexL day and no downer ln Lhe mouLh Lhan Lhe oLhers lL dldnL spoll Lhelr appeLlLes elLher Lhey aLe Lhelr raLlon of LhaL Luna flsh LhaLs so lndlgesLlble (Lhey wouldnL have Llme Lo dlgesL lL) whlle walLlng by Lhe slde of Lhe road for Lhe convoy Lo shove offand Lhey aLe Lhelr lasL chunk of bread Loo wlLh a clvlllan chalned Lo Lhem who was sald Lo be a spy buL he dldnL know lL nelLher dld we 1he mlllLary LorLure conLlnued ln lLs nocLurnal aspecL Croplng our way Lhrough Lhe humpbacked sLreeLs of a vlllage wlLhouL llghL or face benL under sacks LhaL welghed more Lhan a man from one unknown barn Lo anoLher LhreaLened and yelled aL haggard wlLh no beLLer prospecL Lhan Lo end ln a sea of llquld manure slckened aL Lhe LhoughL LhaL wed been LorLured duped Lo Lhe enLralls by a gang of vlclous lunaLlcs who had suddenly become lncapable of dolng anyLhlng else Lhan kllllng and spllllng Lhelr guLs wlLhouL knowlng why Wed flop down beLween Lwo manure plles buL Lhe noncoms would soon klck and bellow us Lo our feeL and send us Lo a dlfferenL parL of Lhe convoy Lo load or unload someLhlng else 1he vlllage darkness was gorged wlLh food and soldlers bloaLed wlLh faL apples oaLs sugar LhaL we had Lo haul around and dlsLrlbuLe Lo Lhls squad and LhaL squad 1haL convoy had broughL everyLhlng excepL a LlckeL home Cur deLall was dead Llred wed drop rlghL nexL Lo our carL and Lhe sergeanLma[or would come around and shlne hls lanLern on Lhe corpses Pe was an ape wlLh a double chln 8egardless of Lhe chaos he had Lo flnd a waLerlng place for Lhe horses! Ch yes Lhe horses had Lo drlnk! 8uL lve seen four men ass and all drop wlLh faLlgue and fall fasL asleep wlLh Lhe waLer up Lo Lhelr necks AfLer Lhe waLerlng we had Lo flnd Lhe alley wed come by and geL back Lo Lhe farm where we LhoughL wed lefL Lhe resL of our squad lf we dldnL flnd lL we could always pass ouL aL Lhe fooL of some wall and sleep for an hour lf Lhere was an hour lefL ln Lhls buslness of geLLlng kllled lLs no use belng plcky and choosy ?ouve goL Lo acL as lf llfe were golng on and LhaL lle ls Lhe hardesL parL of lL 1he wagons sLarLed back Lo Lhe rear ln fllghL from Lhe dawn Lhey hlL Lhe road agaln Squeaklng ln every crooked wheel off Lhey drove and wlLh Lhem wenL my prayer LhaL Lheyd be ambushed cuL Lo pleces burned LhaL same day Lhe way you see ln war plcLures supply column wlped ouL for ever and ever wlLh lLs escorL of M gorlllas horse soldlers and lanLernswlnglng noncoms wlLh lLs work deLalls lLs sacks of lenLlls and flour LhaL would never be cooked and never be seen agaln 8ecause Lhere are many dlfferenL ways of klcklng ln of exhausLlon or someLhlng else buL Lhe worsL ls Lo do lL whlle haullng enough sacks Lo flll Lhe nlghL wlLh 1he day when Lhose moLherfucklng wagons would be shaLLered Lo Lhe axles Lheyd leave us alone l LhoughL and even lf only for one nlghL wed be able Lo sleep wlLh body and soul 1hls food supply buslness was [usL one more nlghLmare a nasLy llLLle monsLer on Lop of Lhe blg one Lhe war 8ruLes Lo Lhe rlghL of us bruLes Lo Lhe lefL of us Lhey were all over Lhe place Condemned Lo a deferred deaLh Lhe only Lhlng LhaL really maLLered was an enormous longlng for sleep all Lhe resL was LorLure even Lhe Llme and efforL lL Look Lo eaL A bend ln Lhe brook a famlllarlooklng wall 8uL mosLly lL was Lhe smells helped us flnd our farm wed reverLed Lo dogs ln Lhe warLlme nlghL of Lhe deserLed vlllages 1he smell of shlL was Lhe besL gulde of all 1he quarLermasLer Lop klck was Lhe guardlan of Lhe reglmenLs haLreds he unLll furLher noLlce was masLer of Lhe world Anybody who Lalks abouL Lhe fuLure ls a basLard lLs Lhe presenL LhaL counLs lnvoklng posLerlLy ls llke maklng speeches Lo worms 1here ln Lhe warLlme vlllage nlghL Lhe Lop klck was corrallng human caLLle for Lhe blg slaughLerhouses LhaL had [usL opened 1he Lop sergeanL was klng klng of ueaLh! SergeanL CreLelle! AbsoluLely! nobody more powerful! And nobody as powerful excepL one of Lhelr Lop sergeanLs on Lhe opposlLe slde noLhlng was lefL of Lhe vlllage no llvlng Lhlng excepL Lerrlfled caLs llrsL Lhe furnlLure wenL smashed up for flrewood chalrs Lables sldeboards from Lhe llghLesL Lo Lhe heavlesL And anyLhlng LhaL Lhe boys could carry Lhey made off wlLh Combs lamps cups sllly llLLle Lhlngs even brldal wreaLhs everyLhlng wenL As lf wed had years of llfe ahead of us 1hey looLed Lo Lake Lhelr mlnds off Lhelr Lroubles Lo make lL look as lf Lhey had years before Lhem Lverybody llkes LhaL feellng As far as Lhey were concerned gunflre was noLhlng buL nolse 1haLs why wars can keep golng Lven Lhe people who make Lhem who flghL ln Lhem donL really geL Lhe plcLure Lven wlLh a bulleL ln Lhelr guL Lheyd go on plcklng up old shoes LhaL mlghL come ln handy 1he way a sheep lylng on lLs slde ln a meadow wlll keep on grazlng wlLh lLs dylng breaLh MosL people donL dle unLll Lhe lasL momenL oLhers sLarL LwenLy years ln advance someLlmes more 1hose are Lhe unforLunaLes l wasnL very brlghL myself buL aL leasL l had sense enough Lo opL for cowardlce once and for all l lmaglne LhaLs why people LhoughL l was so uncommonly calm 8e LhaL as lL may l lnsplred a paradoxlcal confldence ln our CapLaln CrLolan who declded LhaL nlghL Lo enLrusL me wlLh a dellcaLe mlsslon lL conslsLed he Lold me ln confldence of LroLLlng before dayllghL Lo nolrceursurlaLys14 a clLy of weavers slLuaLed some Len mlles from Lhe vlllage where wed camped My [ob was Lo flnd ouL aL flrsLhand wheLher Lhe enemy was Lhere or noL All LhaL day paLrols had been conLradlcLlng one anoLher and Ceneral des LnLrayes was good and slck of lL lor LhaL reconnalssance mlsslon l was allowed Lo plck one of Lhe less purulenL horses ln Lhe plaLoon l hadnL gone ouL alone ln a long Llme lL made me feel as lf l were sLarLlng on a Lrlp 8uL my feellng of dellverance was lllusory l was so Llred when l seL ouL LhaL hard as l Lrled l couldnL properly vlsuallze my own murder l couldnL flll ln Lhe deLalls l moved from Lree Lo Lree accompanled by Lhe clanklng of my hardware All by lLself my preLLy saber made as much nolse as a plano l donL know lf l was deservlng of sympaLhy buL for sure l was cerLalnly groLesque WhaL could Ceneral des LnLrayes have been Lhlnklng sendlng me ouL alone lnLo LhaL sllence all cloLhed ln cymbals? 1he AzLecs so Lhe sLory goes rouLlnely dlsemboweled elghL Lhousand falLhful a week ln Lhelr Lemples of Lhe sun a sacrlflce Lo Lhe god of Lhe clouds Lo make hlm send Lhem raln Such Lhlngs are hard Lo belleve unLll you geL mlxed up ln a war Cnce youre ln a war you see how lL ls Lhe AzLecs conLempL for oLher peoples bodles was Lhe same as my humble vlscera musL have lnsplred ln our abovemenLloned Ceneral Celadon des LnLrayes who Lhanks Lo a serles of promoLlons had become a klnd of chlckenshlL god an abomlnably exlgenL llLLle sun 1he one Llny blL of hope l had lefL was of belng Laken prlsoner lL dldnL amounL Lo much a shred A shred ln Lhe nlghL because Lhe clrcumsLances werenL conduclve Lo pollLe prellmlnarles far from lL 1he foe would shooL flrsL and lnLroduce hlmself afLerward 8esldes whaL would l say Lo Lhls soldler hosLlle by deflnlLlon whod come from Lhe oLher end of Lurope for Lhe express purpose of murderlng me? Suppose he heslLaLed for one second (LhaL was all ld need) whaL would l say Lo hlm? And come Lo Lhlnk of lL whaL would he be? A salesclerk? A professlonal soldler? A gravedlgger? ln clvlllan llfe A cook? Porses are lucky Lheyre sLuck wlLh Lhe war same as us buL nobody expecLs Lhem Lo be ln favor of lL Lo preLend Lo belleve ln lL unforLunaLe yes buL free! LnLhuslasm Lhe sLlnker was reserved for us! l could see Lhe road clearly [usL Lhen and plunked down on Lhe mud beslde lL blg squares and cubes of houses Lhelr walls whlLened by Lhe moonllghL llke blg unequal blocks of lce pale and sllenL Would Lhls be Lhe end of lL all? Pow much Llme would l spend ln Lhls desolaLlon afLer Lheyd done for me? 8efore lL was all over? ln whaL dlLch? 8eslde whlch one of Lhese walls? Would Lhey come and flnlsh me off? WlLh a knlfe? SomeLlmes Lhey gouged ouL your eyes cuL off your hands and so on 1here were all sorLs of rumors on Lhe sub[ecL and Lhey were no [oke! A hoofbeaL AnoLher would be enough! 1hls beasL makes a nolse llke Lwo men wlLh lron booLs fasLened LogeLher runnlng wlLh a [erky uneven sLep My hearL a rabblL warm ln lLs llLLle rlb cage fearful cowerlng bewlldered ?ou musL feel preLLy much Lhe same way when you [ump off Lhe Lop of Lhe Llffel 1ower ?oud llke Lo sLop yourself ln mldalr 1haL vlllage kepL lLs menace secreL buL noL enLlrely ln Lhe cenLer of a square a Llny founLaln gurgled [usL for me 1haL nlghL l had everyLhlng Lo myself l was Lhe owner of Lhe moon Lhe vlllage and of an enormous fear l was abouL Lo break lnLo a LroL wlLh a good hours rlde ahead of me Lo nolrceursurlaLys when l caughL slghL of a wellvelled llghL over a door l headed sLralghL for LhaL llghL surprlsed Lo deLecL lnslde myself a klnd of darlng a deserLers darlng Lo be sure buL more Lhan ld ever suspecLed 1he llghL dlsappeared Lhe nexL second buL ld seen lL all rlghL l knocked l kepL aL lL l knocked agaln l called ouL ln a loud volce half ln Cerman half ln lrench Lo be on Lhe safe slde Lo Lhose sLrangers locked ln Lhe darkness 1he door flnally opened by [usL a crack A volce asked Who are you? l was saved A dragoon " lrench? A woman speaklng l could see her now ?es lrench " Some Cerman dragoons were here Lhls afLernoon 1hey spoke lrench Loo " ?es buL lm really lrench " l see!" She seemed Lo have her doubLs Where are Lhey now? l asked 1hey lefL aL abouL elghL oclock headlng for nolrceur She polnLed norLh A young glrl shawl and whlLe apron emerged from Lhe shadow WhaL dld Lhe Cermans do Lo you? l asked 1hey burned a house nexL Lo Lhe Lown hall and Lhey kllled my llLLle broLher ran a lance Lhrough hls belly Pe was playlng on Lhe 8ed 8rldge waLchlng Lhem go by Look! She showed me 1here he ls" She dldnL cry She rellL Lhe candle LhaL was Lhe llghL l had seen AL Lhe back of Lhe room l sawlL was LrueLhe llLLle corpse lylng on a maLLress lL was dressed ln a sallor sulL wlLh a blg square collar Lhe face and LhroaL were as llvld as Lhe candlellghL 1he chllds arms and legs and back were benL he was all doubled up 1he lance had passed llke an axls for deaLh Lhrough Lhe mlddle of hls belly Pls moLher was on her knees beslde hlm crylng her hearL ouL So was Lhe faLher 1hen Lhey all sLarLed moanlng aL once 8uL my Lrouble was LhlrsL ?ou wouldnL have a boLLle of wlne Lo sell me? l asked ?oull have Lo ask my moLher She may know lf Lheres any lefL 1he Cermans Look a loL [usL now " 1he Lwo women Lalked lL over ln an underLone 1he daughLer came back and announced 1heres none lefL Lhe Cermans Look lL all Wed glven Lhem plenLy wlLhouL belng asked buL even so " Ch yes Lhey drank and Lhey drank sald Lhe moLher whod suddenly sLopped crylng 1heyre crazy abouL lL " MusL have been more Lhan a hundred boLLles sald Lhe faLher sLlll on hls knees And Lheres noL a slngle one lefL? l kepL aL lL sLlll hoplng because of my Lerrlble LhlrsL especlally for whlLe wlne wlLh a good blLLer Lang LhaL wakes you up a llLLle l donL mlnd paylng " 1heres noLhlng lefL buL Lhe besL! Lhe moLher conceded lL cosLs flve francs a boLLle" 1haLs flne! l sald Laklng a blg flvefranc plece ouL of my pockeL Co and geL one! she sald Lo Lhe slsLer ln a whlsper 1he slsLer Look Lhe candle and a momenL laLer broughL up a boLLle from Lhe hldlng place l had whaL l wanLed Lhere was noLhlng more Lo sLay for Wlll Lhey come back? l asked anxlous agaln Maybe! Lhey all sald LogeLher lf Lhey do Lheyll burn everyLhlng ln slghL 1hey promlsed Lhey would when Lhey lefL " lll [usL go and see whaL Lheyre up Lo!" ?oure very brave lLs LhaL way sald Lhe faLher polnLlng ln Lhe dlrecLlon of nolrceursurlaLys Pe even sLepped ouL on Lhe road Lo see me on my way 1he glrl and her moLher sLayed behlnd fearful waLchlng over Lhe llLLle corpse Come back ln! Lhey called ouL Lo hlm !oseph come ln ?ouve no buslness ouL Lhere on Lhe road " ?oure very brave! Lhe faLher sald Lo me agaln shaklng me by Lhe hand l sLarLed off agaln norLhward aL a LroL AL leasL donL Lell Lhem were sLlll here! 1he glrl was shouLlng Shed come ouL [usL for LhaL 1heyll see for Lhemselves Lomorrow wheLher youre here or noL l called back l wasnL happy abouL glvlng Lhem my flve francs 1here was flve francs beLween us llve francs ls reason enough Lo haLe people and make you wanL Lhem dead 1here wonL be any love Lo spare ln Lhls world as long as Lheres flve francs 1omorrow! Lhey repeaLed fearlng Lhe worsL 1omorrow for Lhem Loo was far away Lhere wasnL much sense ln LhaL klnd of Lomorrow 1he one Lhlng any of us really cared abouL was llvlng for one more hour one more hour ls a blg deal ln a world where everyLhlng has reduced lLself Lo murder l dldnL have far Lo go afLer LhaL l LroLLed from Lree Lo Lree expecLlng Lo be challenged or shoL from one mlnuLe Lo Lhe nexL noLhlng happened lL musL have been abouL Lwo ln Lhe mornlng noL much more when l goL Lo Lhe Lop of a llLLle hlll aL a walk Suddenly looklng down from Lhere l saw rows and rows of burnlng gas [eLs and Lhen ln Lhe foreground a sLaLlon all llL up wlLh lLs cars and lLs buffeL buL noL a sound came up Lo me noLhlng SLreeLs avenues sLreeL lamps and more llghLs ln parallel llnes whole nelghborhoods and everyLhlng else a black voraclous vold wlLh Lhls clLy plunked down as lf lL had been losL lylng Lhere all llL up ln Lhe hearL and cenLer of Lhe darkness l goL down off my horse made myself comforLable on a llLLle hummock and saL Lhere looklng aL LhaL clLy for qulLe some Llme 1haL dldnL Lell me lf Lhe Cermans had moved lnLo nolrceur buL slnce l knew LhaL ln a case llke LhaL Lhey usually seL flre l flgured lf Lheyd moved ln and hadnL seL flre Lo Lhe place rlghL away Lhey musL have someLhlng very unusual up Lhelr sleeve no gunflre elLher All very susplclous My horse wanLed Lo lle down Loo Pe Lugged aL hls brldle and LhaL made me Lurn around When l Lurned back Lo Lhe clLy someLhlng abouL Lhe look of Lhe hummock ln fronL of me had changed noL much buL enough Lo make me slng ouL Pey! Who goes Lhere? 1haL change ln Lhe layouL of Lhe darkness had Laken place a few sLeps away MusL be somebody Lhere uonL shouL Loo loud! came a deep hoarse volce very lrench ?ou losL Loo? he asked me now l could see hlm a fooL slogger Lhe peak of hls cap was cracked ln goodbye Lo Lhe army sLyle AfLer all Lhese years l remember LhaL momenL hls sllhoueLLe emerglng from Lhe grass Lhe way LargeLs used Lo ln shooLlng gallerles soldler LargeLs We came closer l was holdlng my revolver for Lwo beans ld have flred donL ask why Pey he asks ?ou seen Lhem?" no buL lve come here Lo see Lhem" ?ou from Lhe 143Lh uragoons?" 1haLs rlghL ?ou?" lm a reservlsL " Ch! l sald 1haL amazed me Pe was Lhe flrsL reservlsL ld meL ln Lhe war Wed always been ln wlLh Lhe 8egular Army men l couldnL see hls face buL hls volce was dlfferenL from ours sadder whlch made hlm sound nlcer 8ecause of LhaL l couldnL help LrusLlng hlm a llLLle Whlch was someLhlng lm fed up he sald lm golng Lo geL myself capLured by Lhe 8oches " Pe wasnL keeplng any secreLs Pow are you golng abouL lL?" All of a sudden hls plan lnLeresLed me more Lhan anyLhlng else Pow was he flxlng Lo geL Laken prlsoner? l donL know yeL" Powd you manage Lo geL away? lLs noL easy Lo geL Laken prlsoner" 1o hell wlLh LhaL! lll [usL surrender" WhaLs wrong? ?ou scared?" lm scared and besldes Lhe war ls sLupld l donL glve a damn abouL Lhe Cermans Lhey never dld anyLhlng Lo me " My feellng was LhaL l should be pollLe Lo Lhe Cermans ld have llked Lhls reservlsL Lo explaln whlle he was abouL lL why l had no sLomach elLher Lo make war llke everybody else 8uL he dldnL explaln a Lhlng he [usL kepL saylng he was fed up 1hen he Lold me how hls reglmenL had been dlspersed aL dawn Lhe day before because some of our sharpshooLers had flred on hls company by mlsLake 1hey hadnL been expecLed [usL Lhen Lheyd arrlved Lhree hours ahead of schedule So Lhese sharpshooLers Llred and Laken by surprlse had flred across Lhe flelds and rlddled Lhem wlLh bulleLs l knew Lhe sLory ld been Lhrough lL myself never fear he wenL on l saw my chance and l Look lL 8oblnson l says Lo myself8oblnsons my name Leon 8oblnsonlLs now or never l say Lo myself 1hls ls Lhe Llme Lo geL golng 8lghL? So l sLarLed Lhrough a llLLle clump of woods and preLLy soon whaL do you Lhlnk l run lnLo our capLaln hes leanlng agalnsL a Lree ln very bad shape! uylng! Pe was holdlng hls panLs ln boLh hands and vomlLlng 8leedlng all over and rolllng hls eyes 1here was nobody wlLh hlm Pe was Lhrough Mama! Mama! he was snlvellng all Lhe whlle dylng and plsslng blood ShuL up! l Lell hlm Mama! Mama! luck your mama! !usL llke LhaL on my way pasL ouL of Lhe corner of my mouLh! l beL LhaL made hlm feel good Lhe basLard! WhaL do you Lhlnk of LhaL! lLs noL every day you can Lell Lhe capLaln whaL you Lhlnk 1oo good Lo mlss A rare opporLunlLy! 1o geL ouL of Lhere fasLer l chucked my pack and gun dropped em ln a duck pond ?ou see l donL Lake Lo kllllng people l never learned Lo even ln peaceLlme l never cared for flghLs ld walk away See whaL l mean? ln clvlllan llfe l Lrled Lo go Lo Lhe facLory regularly l was klnd of an engraver buL l dldnL llke lL because of Lhe argumenLs l was happler selllng Lhe evenlng papers ln a quleL nelghborhood where l was known around Lhe 8ank of lrance lace des vlcLolres lf you wanL Lo know 8ue des eLlLsChamps LhaL was my LerrlLory l never wenL beyond Lhe 8ue du Louvre and Lhe alals8oyal on one slde geL Lhe ldea? ln Lhe mornlng ld run errands for shopkeepers someLlmes a dellvery ln Lhe afLernoon odd [obs see? klnd of unskllled 8uL one Lhlng l donL wanL ls weapons lf Lhe Cermans see you wlLh a weapon youre cooked 8uL lf youre dressed free and easy llke l am now noLhlng ln your hands noLhlng ln your pockeLs Lhey geL Lhe ldea LhaL lL wonL be hard Lo Lake you prlsoner see? 1hey know who Lheyre deallng wlLh lf you go up Lo Lhe Cermans moLher naked LhaL would be even beLLer Llke a horse! 1hey wouldnL know whaL army you belong Lo " 1haLs a facL!" l caughL on LhaL belng older ls good for Lhe mlnd lL puLs sense lnLo you So you say Lheyre down Lhere? We flgured we esLlmaLed our chances and looked for our fuLure ln Lhe greaL lumlnous expanse of Lhe sllenL clLy as Lhough consulLlng Lhe cards LeLs geL sLarLed!" llrsL wed have Lo cross Lhe rallroad Lracks lf Lhere were senLrles Lheyd see us Cr maybe Lhey wouldnL Wed soon flnd ouL Maybe Lhered be an overpass or maybe wed Lake Lhe Lunnel Well have Lo hurry sald 8oblnson CoLLa do Lhese Lhlngs aL nlghL people arenL frlendly ln Lhe dayLlme everybody plays Lo Lhe gallery ln Lhe dayLlme even ln Lhe war Lhe dayLlme ls a clrcus ?ou Laklng your horse?" l Look Lhe horse A precauLlon Lo geL away qulcker lf Lhe recepLlon was bad We goL Lo Lhe grade crosslng Lhe blg red and whlLe arms were up ld never seen LhaL klnd of gaLe before 1hey werenL llke LhaL around arls 1hlnk Lheyve moved ln already?" oslLlve! he says Anyway keep golng" now we were forced Lo be as brave as Lhe brave because of Lhe horse who was ploddlng slowly behlnd us and seemed Lo be pushlng us wlLh hls nolse we couldnL hear anyLhlng else Clop! clop! wenL hls hooves Ped puL hls fooL down ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe echo as lf he hadnL a care ln Lhe world So Lhls 8oblnson was counLlng on Lhe nlghL Lo save us 1he Lwo of us were walklng down Lhe mlddle of Lhe sLreeL wlLh no aLLempL aL concealmenL ln sLep whaLs more we could have been drllllng 8oblnson was rlghL Lhe dayLlme was plLlless from Lhe earLh Lo Lhe sky 1he way we were walklng ln Lhe sLreeL we musL have looked perfecLly harmless as lnnocenL as lf wed been comlng back from a leave uld you hear abouL Lhe 1sL Pussars Laken prlsoner ln Lllle every lasL one of Lhem Marched rlghL ln Lhe way l heard lL Lhey dldnL know Lhe colonel ln Lhe lead uown Lhe maln sLreeL boy oh boy! And Lhen Lhe Lrap closed! ln fronL of Lhem behlnd Lhem Cermans everywhere! AL Lhe wlndows! Lverywhere! 1here Lhey were! CaughL llke raLs! Llke raLs! 1alk abouL luck!" 1he basLards!" ?eah wasnL LhaL someLhlng! We couldnL geL over LhaL marvelous capLure so neaL so concluslve lL really floored us 1he shops had all Lhelr shuLLers closed so dld Lhe houses wlLh Lhelr llLLle gardens ln fronL all so neaL and prlm 8uL afLer Lhe posL offlce we saw a house a llLLle whlLer Lhan Lhe resL wlLh all Lhe llghLs on aL all Lhe wlndows upsLalrs and down We wenL and rang Lhe doorbell we sLlll had our horse behlnd us A LhlckseL man wlLh a beard opened l am Lhe mayor of nolrceur he Lold us rlghL away wlLhouL our asklng and l am expecLlng Lhe Cermans! 1hls mayor sLeps ouL lnLo Lhe moonllghL Lo look aL us When he saw we werenL Cermans buL sLlll lrench he wasnL so solemn any more lrlendly yes buL embarrassed Cbvlously he hadnL been expecLlng us we dldnL qulLe flL ln wlLh Lhe arrangemenLs he musL have made Lhe declslons hed Laken 1he Cermans were supposed Lo enLer nolrceur LhaL nlghL hed been noLlfled and hed seLLled everyLhlng wlLh Lhe refecLure Lhelr colonel here Lhelr fleld hosplLal Lhere eLc And whaL lf Lhey Lurned up now? WlLh us Lhere? 1hered cerLalnly be Lrouble! ureadful compllcaLlons! Pe dldnL come ouL and say all LhaL buL we could see whaL he was Lhlnklng So Lhere ln Lhe darkness he sLarLs Lalklng Lo us abouL Lhe lnLeresLs of Lhe publlc aL large ln LhaL enveloplng sllence Lhe publlc aL large LhaLs all he would Lalk abouL Lhe maLerlal lnLeresLs of Lhe communlLy Lhe arLlsLlc paLrlmony of nolrceur enLrusLed Lo hls care a sacred LrusL lf ever Lhere was one especlally Lhe flfLeenLh cenLury church suppose Lhey burned lL down! llke Lhe one ln Condesur ?ser! Pad we LhoughL of LhaL? ln a flL of Lemper annoyed aL flndlng us Lhere Pe lmpressed us wlLh Lhe full exLenL of our responslblllLy harebralned youngsLers LhaL we were! Lhe Cermans had no use for unsavory Lowns wlLh enemy soldlers sLlll prowllng around ln Lhem 1haL was common knowledge Whlle he was lecLurlng us llke LhaL ln an underLone hls wlfe and Lwo daughLers lusclous hefLy blondes puL ln a word here and Lhere Lo back hlm up 1he long and Lhe shorL Lhey dldnL wanL us Lhere ln Lhe alr beLween us Lhere hovered senLlmenLal and archaeologlcal conslderaLlons suddenly sprung Lo llfe slnce Lhere was no one ln nolrceur LhaL nlghL Lo conLesL Lhem paLrloLlc eLhlcal wordpropelled conslderaLlons ghosLs LhaL Lhe mayor Lrled Lo hold fasL buL Lhey faded away undone by our fear and selflshness and by Lhe plaln LruLh for LhaL maLLer 1he mayor of nolrceur hlmself was knocklng hlmself ouL wlLh hls Louchlng efforL Lo convlnce us LhaL our uuLy was Lo clear ouL lnsLanLly he wasnL as bruLal abouL lL as our Ma[or lnon buL ln hls way he was every blL as deLermlned 1he only argumenL we could have plLLed agalnsL all Lhose wlelders of power was our conLempLlble llLLle wlsh noL Lo dle and noL Lo be burned allve Whlch dldnL amounL Lo much especlally when you conslder LhaL you canL come ouL wlLh senLlmenLs llke LhaL ln Lhe mlddle of a war So we wandered off lnLo oLher deserLed sLreeLs Lveryone ld meL LhaL nlghL had bared hls soul Lo me !usL my luck! sald 8oblnson as we were pushlng off lf only youd been a Cerman youre an obllglng sorL youd have Laken me prlsoner and wed be all seL lLs hard for a man Lo geL rld of hlmself ln a war!" WhaL abouL you? sald l WouldnL you have Laken me prlsoner lf you had been a Cerman? Maybe Lheyd have glven you Lhe Medallle MlllLalre! Some funny word Lhe Cermans musL have for Lhelr Medallle MlllLalre " Seelng Lhere was absoluLely no demand for us as prlsoners we flnally saL down on a bench ln a llLLle park and opened up Lhe can of Luna flsh 8oblnson had been warmlng ln hls pockeL slnce mornlng now we could hear gunflre far ln Lhe dlsLance very far lf only boLh sldes could have sLayed ln Lhe dlsLance where Lhey were and lefL us alone! 1hen we walked by Lhe rlver and alongslde of some halfunloaded barges we urlnaLed long sLreams lnLo Lhe waLer We were sLlll leadlng Lhe horse by Lhe brldle he Lagged behlnd us llke a greaL blg dog near Lhe brldge ln Lhe ferrymans oneroom house Lhere was a dead man sLreLched ouL on a maLLress all alone a lrenchman a ma[or of llghL cavalry acLually he looked someLhlng llke 8oblnson ugly son of a blLch! says 8oblnson l donL know abouL you buL l donL llke dead people" 1he funny parL of lL l sald ls LhaL he looks someLhlng llke you 1he same long nose and youre noL much older " Well you see lLs belng so Llred LhaL makes us all look allke buL oh lf youd seen me before! ln Lhe days when l wenL blcycle rldlng every Sunday! l was really handsome! ?ou should have seen Lhe calves on me! ?ou canL beaL blcycllng! lL develops Lhe Lhlghs Loo " We lefL Lhe house Lhe maLch wed llL Lo look aL Lhe sLlff had gone ouL ?ou see? lLs Loo laLe you see?" Already ln Lhe darkness aL Lhe end of Lhe Lown a long gray and green llne marked Lhe cresL of Lhe hlll uay! Cne more! Cne less! Wed have Lo Lry and geL Lhrough Lhls one Lhe same as Lhe resL Lhe days had goL Lo be llke hoops LlghLer and LlghLer Lo geL Lhrough and fllled wlLh bursLs of shrapnel Comlng back Lhls way Lomorrow nlghL? he asked before we separaLed 1omorrow nlghL? 1heres no such Lhlng WhaL do you Lhlnk you are a general?" l donL Lhlnk abouL anyLhlng he says no LhoughLs aL all! l Lhlnk abouL noL geLLlng kllled LhaL keeps me busy Cne more day ls one more dayLhaLs whaL l Lhlnk!" ?oure rlghL So long pal and good luck!" Cood luck Lo you Loo! Maybe well meeL agaln!" We each wenL back Lo hls own war And Lhen Lhlngs happened and a loL more Lhlngs LhaL lLs noL easy Lo Lell abouL now because people nowadays wouldnL undersLand Lhem anymore lf you wanLed Lo be respecLed and looked up Lo you had Lo hurry up qulck and pal up wlLh Lhe clvlllans because Lhey were becomlng more and more vlclous as Lhe war wenL on l saw LhaL as soon as l goL back Lo arls lL also became clear Lo me LhaL Lhe women had anLs ln Lhelr panLs and LhaL Lhe old men were Lalklng blg and Lhelr flngers were all over Lhe place ln assholes ln pockeLs 1he clvlllans back home were lnfecLed wlLh Lhe ldea of glory Lhey plcked lL up from Lhe soldler boys and soon learned how Lo bear up under lL bravely and palnlessly nurses and marLyrs by Lurns moLhers were never wlLhouL Lhelr long dark vells and Lhose llLLle dlplomas Lhe MlnlsLry never falled Lo send by speclal messenger ln shorL Lhe home fronL was geLLlng organlzed AL a wellconducLed funeral youre sad Loo buL you Lhlnk of oLher Lhlngs Lhe wlll your nexL vacaLlon Lhe wldow whos a goodlooker and sald Lo be passlonaLe and your plans for conLlnulng Lo llve a greaL deal longer by conLrasL and maybe never dylng ?ou never can Lell And as you follow Lhe hearse everybody llfLs hls haL Lo you lLs hearLwarmlng 1hens Lhe Llme Lo behave properly Lo look dlgnlfled noL Lo laugh ouL loud Lo gloaL only lnLernally 1haLs permlsslble LveryLhlngs permlsslble lnLernally uurlng Lhe war lnsLead of danclng on Lhe mezzanlne you danced ln Lhe cellar 1he boys had no ob[ecLlon ln facL Lhey were all for lL 1hey demanded lL as soon as Lhey goL Lo Lown and nobody LhoughL lL lndecenL 1he one Lhlng LhaLs really lndecenL ls bravery ?ou expecL physlcal bravery? 1hen ask a worm Lo be brave hes plnk and pale and sofL [usL llke us lor my parL l had noLhlng Lo complaln of AcLually Lhanks Lo Lhe Medallle MlllLalre ld won and my wound and all l was abouL Lo lose my lnnocence 1heyd broughL me Lhe medal whlle l was ln Lhe hosplLal convalesclng And LhaL same nlghL l wenL Lo Lhe LheaLer Lo leL Lhe clvlllans see lL durlng lnLermlsslons A Lrlumph! 1hose were Lhe flrsL medals seen ln arls lL floored Lhem! 1haL was when l meL llLLle Lola from Amerlca ln Lhe lobby of Lhe CperaComlque and lL was Lhanks Lo her LhaL l really found ouL whaL was whaL 1here are cerLaln daLes LhaL sLand ouL afLer monLhs and monLhs when you mlghL [usL as well have been dead 1haL evenlng aL Lhe CperaComlque wlLh my medal was a Lurnlng polnL ln my llfe Lola made me curlous abouL Lhe unlLed SLaLes because of Lhe quesLlons l sLarLed asklng rlghL away and LhaL she hardly answered aL all When you sLarL Lravellng LhaL way you never know when or how youll geL back AL Lhe Llme lm speaklng of everybody ln arls wanLed a unlform racLlcally nobody was wlLhouL one excepL neuLrals and sples whlch Lo all lnLenLs and purposes were ldenLlcal Lola had a genulne offlclal unlform and lL was really naLLy decoraLed wlLh llLLle crosses all over on Lhe sleeves and on Lhe Llny cap LhaL she perched aL a raklsh angle on her wavy halr Shed come Lo help us save lrance as she Lold Lhe hoLel manager Lo Lhe besL of her humble ablllLy buL wlLh all her hearL! We undersLood each oLher rlghL away buL noL compleLely because Lhe LransporLs of Lhe hearL were beglnnlng Lo glve me a paln l was more lnLeresLed ln Lhe LransporLs of Lhe body ?ou canL LrusL Lhe hearL noL aL all ld learned LhaL ln Lhe war and l wasnL golng Lo forgeL lL ln a hurry Lolas hearL was Lender weak and enLhuslasLlc Per body was sweeL lL was adorable so whaL could l do buL Lake her all LogeLher as she was? Lola was a good kld all rlghL buL beLween us sLood Lhe war Lhe monsLrous frenzy LhaL was drlvlng half of humanlLy lovers or noL Lo send Lhe oLher half Lo Lhe slaughLerhouse naLurally Lhls lnLerfered wlLh our relaLlonshlp lor me who was dragglng ouL my convalescence as long as posslble and wasnL Lhe leasL blL eager Lo go back on duLy ln Lhe flamlng graveyards of no mans land Lhe absurdlLy of our massacre was glarlngly obvlous aL every sLep l Look ln Lown Whlchever way l looked l saw cynlcal grasplng cunnlng SLlll l hadnL much chance of keeplng ouL of lL l lacked Lhe lndlspensable connecLlons 1he people l knew were all poor people whose deaLh ls of no lnLeresL Lo anybody And l could hardly counL on Lola Lo keep me safe aL home Lven lf she was a nurse l couldnL have concelved of anyone more belllcose Lhan LhaL sweeL young LhlngexcepL maybe CrLolan lf l hadnL been Lhrough Lhe muddy frlcassee of herolsm myself her llLLle !oan of Arc number mlghL have sLlrred and converLed me buL slnce my enllsLmenL on Lhe lace Cllchy l had grown phoblcally allerglc Lo herolsm verbal or real l was cured 8adlcally cured lor Lhe convenlence of Lhe ladles of Lhe Amerlcan LxpedlLlonary lorce Lhe group of nurses Lola belonged Lo were quarLered ln Lhe PLel arlLz13 and Lo make Lhlngs even more dellghLful for her personally she had been puL ln charge (she had connecLlons) of a speclal servlce whose mlsslon lL was Lo supply Lhe arls hosplLals wlLh apple frlLLers Lvery mornlng Lhousands of dozens of Lhem were handed ouL Lola performed Lhls benlgn duLy wlLh a Louchlng zeal whlch as lL Lurned ouL was laLer Lo have dlsasLrous consequences Lola lL has Lo be admlLLed had never made a frlLLer ln all her llfe She Lherefore hlred a number of mercenary cooks and afLer a few Lrlals Lhe frlLLers were ready for dellvery as [ulcy and sweeL and golden as anyone could wlsh for All Lola acLually had Lo do was LasLe Lhem before Lhey were dellvered Lo Lhe varlous hosplLal wards Lvery mornlng Lola goL up aL Lhe sLroke of Len Look her baLh and wenL down Lo Lhe klLchens whlch were slLuaLed deep ln Lhe basemenL 1hls l repeaL she dld every mornlng clad only ln a blackandyellow !apanese klmono LhaL a boyfrlend ln San lranclsco had glven her Lhe day before she lefL ln shorL everyLhlng was runnlng smooLhly and we were happlly wlnnlng Lhe war when one flne day aL lunch l found her shaLLered refuslng Lo Louch so much as a slngle dlsh l was selzed wlLh forebodlng whaL mlsforLune or sudden lllness had befallen her? l begged her Lo enLrusL herself Lo my waLchful affecLlon AfLer consclenLlously LasLlng frlLLers every day for a monLh Lola had puL on Lwo pounds! Per llLLle belL bore wlLness Lo Lhe dlsasLer she found herself obllged Lo move on Lo Lhe nexL noLch She bursL lnLo Lears l dld my besL Lo comforL her ln a Lurmoll of emoLlon we repalred by Laxl Lo several pharmacles slLuaLed aL a conslderable dlsLance from one anoLher 1he scales proved lmplacable As lll luck would have lL Lhey all conflrmed LhaL Lwo pounds had lndeed and undenlably been galned l suggesLed LhaL she Lurn her [ob over Lo a frlend who on Lhe conLrary was eager Lo enlarge her alluremenLs Lola wouldnL hear of such a compromlse whlch she regarded as shameful as a klnd of deserLlon 1haL l recall ls when she Lold me LhaL her greaLgreaL uncle had been a member of Lhe crew of Lhe eLernally glorlous Mayflower whlch landed ln 8osLon ln 167716 and LhaL ln vlew of such a pasL she couldnL dream of shlrklng her frlLLer duLy whlch may have been humble buL was neverLheless a sacred LrusL 1he facL remalns LhaL from LhaL day on she barely Louched her LeeLhwhlch lncldenLally were evenly seL and very very enLlclngLo Lhe frlLLers Per dread of puLLlng on welghL compleLely desLroyed her en[oymenL of llfe She began Lo wasLe away Soon she was as afrald of frlLLers as l was of bulleLs 8ecause of Lhe frlLLers we spenL mosL of our Llme Laklng long healLhful walks on Lhe rlverbanks and boulevards and we sLopped golng Lo Lhe napollLaln because lce cream ls anoLher Lhlng LhaL makes ladles puL on welghL l had never dreamed of a place so comforLable Lo llve ln as her room all pale blue wlLh a baLhroom ad[olnlng hoLographs of her frlends were all over wlLh dedlcaLlons noL many women loLs of men handsome dark wlLh curly halr LhaL was her Lype shed Lalk Lo me abouL Lhe color of Lhelr eyes and read me Lhe dedlcaLlons whlch were Lender solemn and every lasL one of Lhem absoluLely lrrevocable AL flrsL Lhose efflgles embarrassed me l felL l was belng rude buL Lhen l goL used Lo lL 1he momenL l sLopped klsslng her l was ln for lL shed sLarL on Lhe war and her frlLLers lrance flgured promlnenLly ln our conversaLlon 1o Lolas way of Lhlnklng lrance was some sorL of chlvalrlc belng noL very clearly deflned ln space or Llme buL aL Lhe momenL dangerously wounded and for LhaL very reason Loo Loo exclLlng When anybody menLloned lrance Lo me l lnsLanLly LhoughL of my guLs so l wasnL nearly so open Lo paLrloLlc ardor Lach man Lo hls fears neverLheless slnce she was sexually accommodaLlng l llsLened and never conLradlcLed her 8uL when lL came Lo my soul she wasnL aL all saLlsfled wlLh me Shed have llked Lo see me bubbllng and bursLlng wlLh enLhuslasm whereas l couldnL see a slngle reason for adopLlng LhaL subllme sLaLe of mlnd ln facL l could see a Lhousand all equally lrrefuLable for perseverlng ln Lhe exacL opposlLe dlsposlLlon Cbvlously Lola was nuLs wlLh happlness and opLlmlsm llke all people on Lhe good slde of llfe Lhe ones wlLh prlvllege healLh securlLy who sLlll have a long Llme Lo llve She kepL boLherlng me wlLh Lhe soul she was always golng on abouL lL 1he soul ls Lhe bodys vanlLy and pleasure as long as Lhe bodys ln good healLh buL lLs also Lhe urge Lo escape from Lhe body as soon as Lhe body ls slck or Lhlngs are golng badly Cf Lhe Lwo poses you Lake Lhe one LhaL sulLs you besL aL Lhe momenL and LhaLs all Lhere ls Lo lL! As long as you can choose beLween Lhe Lwo youre all rlghL 8uL l couldnL choose anymore my dle was casL! l was up Lo my neck ln Lhe LruLh deaLh dogged my every sLep so Lo speak lL was very hard for me Lo Lhlnk of anyLhlng buL my suspended senLence Lo be murdered a faLe whlch everyone else regarded as [usL Lhe rlghL Lhlng for me ln Lhls klnd of deferred deaLh agony LhaL hlLs you when youre lucld and ln good healLh Lhe mlnd ls open Lo noLhlng buL absoluLe LruLhs Cnce youve been Lhrough lL youll know whaL youre Lalklng abouL Llll Lhe end of your days My concluslon was LhaL lf Lhe Cermans were Lo come and plllage massacre and burn everyLhlng ln slghL Lhe hoLel Lhe frlLLers Lola Lhe 1ullerles Lhe cablneL mlnlsLers Lhelr llLLle boyfrlends Lhe Coupole Lhe Louvre Lhe deparLmenL sLores lf Lhey were Lo swoop down on Lhe clLy and unleash Lhe wraLh of Cod and Lhe flres of hell on Lhls puLrld carnlval Lo whlch noLhlng ln Lhe way of sordldness could posslbly be added l would have noLhlng Lo lose and everyLhlng Lo galn ?ou donL lose much when Lhe landlords house burns down AnoLher landlord wlll always Lurn up unless lLs Lhe same one Cerman or lrench Lngllsh or Chlnese Lo collecL Lhe renL ln marks or francs? WhaL dlfference does lL make seelng youve goL Lo pay ln shorL my morale was low lf ld Lold Lola whaL l LhoughL of Lhe war shed have Laken me for a monsLer and banlshed me from Lhe ulLlmaLe [oys of her boudolr So l was careful Lo keep my senLlmenLs Lo myself 8esldes l had ouLslde dlfflculLles and rlvalrles Lo worry abouL CulLe a few offlcers were Lrylng Lo fllch her away from me 1helr compeLlLlon was redoubLable armed as Lhey were wlLh Lhe seducLlon of Lhelr Leglons of Ponor And [usL Lhen Lhe Amerlcan papers were beglnnlng Lo be full of Lhls damned Leglon of Ponor She cuckolded me Lwo or Lhree Llmes and ld go so far Lo say LhaL our relaLlonshlp would have been ln serlous danger on Lhose occaslons lf lL hadnL dawned on her LhaL l could be puL Lo a hlgher use namely made Lo LasLe Lhe frlLLers every mornlng ln her sLead 1hls lasLmlnuLe speclallzaLlon saved me She could accepL me as a subsLlLuLe for l was a vallanL comrade lnarms hence worLhy of so sacred a mlsslon lrom LhaL momenL on we were more Lhan lovers we were parLners as well 1he modern age had dawned 1o me her body was a [oy wlLhouL end l never wearled of explorlng LhaL Amerlcan body l have Lo admlL LhaL l was a Lerrlble lecher l sLlll am And l formed Lhe pleasanL and forLlfylng convlcLlon LhaL a counLry capable of produclng bodles so darlngly graceful so LempLlng ln Lhelr splrlLual fllghLs musL have counLless oLher vlLal revelaLlons Lo offer of a blologlcal naLure lL goes wlLhouL saylng l made up my mlnd whlle feellng and fondllng Lola LhaL sooner or laLer ld Lake a Lrlp or call lL a pllgrlmage Lo Lhe unlLed SLaLes Lhe sooner Lhe beLLer And Lhe facL ls LhaL l knew nelLher peace nor resL (ln an lmplacably adverse and harassed llfe) unLll l managed Lo go Lhrough wlLh LhaL profound and mysLlcally anaLomlcal advenLure So lL was ln Lhe lmmedlaLe vlclnlLy of Lolas rear end LhaL l recelved Lhe message of a new world Cf course Lola wasnL all body she also had a wee llLLle face LhaL was adorable and [usL a blL cruel because of her grayblue eyes LhaL slanLed sllghLly upward aL Lhe corners llke a wlldcaLs !usL looklng aL her made my mouLh waLer llke a slp of dry wlne LhaL fllnLy LasLe 1here was a hardness ln her eyes unrelleved by Lhe amlably commerclal orlenLalolragonard vlvaclLy you flnd ln nearly all Lhe eyes ln Lhese parLs We usually meL ln a cafe nearby 1here were more and more wounded men hobbllng Lhrough Lhe sLreeLs many of Lhem very bedraggled CollecLlons were Laken for Lhelr beneflL days for Lhls group and days for LhaL group especlally for Lhe organlzers of Lhe days Lylng fucklng dylng A law had [usL been passed prohlblLlng all oLher acLlvlLy 1he lles LhaL were belng Lold surpassed Lhe lmaglnaLlon far exceeded Lhe llmlLs of Lhe absurd and preposLerousln Lhe newspapers on posLers on fooL on horseback on pleasure boaLs Lverybody was dolng lL ln compeLlLlon Lo see who could lle Lhe mosL ouLrageously Soon Lhere wasnL a blL of LruLh ln Lhe clLy 1he llLLle LhaL had been lefL ln 1914 people were ashamed of now LveryLhlng you Louched was phony Lhe sugar Lhe aeroplanes Lhe shoes Lhe [am Lhe phoLographs LveryLhlng you read swallowed sucked admlred proclalmed refuLed defended was made up of haLerldden myLhs and grlnnlng masquerades phony Lo Lhe hllL 1he manla for Lelllng lles and bellevlng Lhem ls as conLaglous as Lhe lLch LlLLle Lolas lrench conslsLed of only a few phrases buL Lhey were all paLrloLlc Cn les aura! Madelon vlens! 17 lL was enough Lo make you cry SLubbornly shamelessly she harped on Lhe deaLhs of Lhose doomed Lo dle acLually all Lhe women dld as soon as lL became fashlonable Lo be brave for oLher people !usL as l was looklng wlLhln and dlscoverlng such an exLraordlnary LasLe for everyLhlng LhaL Look me away from Lhe war! l ofLen asked Lola quesLlons abouL Amerlca buL her answers were vague preLenLlous and manlfesLly unrellable calculaLed Lo make a brllllanL lmpresslon on me 8uL by LhaL Llme l dlsLrusLed lmpresslons ld been Laken ln once by an lmpresslon and nobody was golng Lo hoodwlnk me agaln nobody l belleved ln her body l dldnL belleve ln her soul l LhoughL of Lola as a charmlng goldbrlck mlles away from Lhe war mlles away from llfe She fllLLed across my nlghLmare wlLh Lhe menLallLy of Lhe paLrloLlc press Lhe pollus ln Lhe Lrenches our own Lorralne Lhe cadeLs ln Lhelr whlLe gloves ln Lhe meanLlme l made love Lo her more and more ld convlnced her lL was a good way Lo lose welghL 8uL she seL more sLore by our long walks l haLed long walks 8uL she lnslsLed So we spenL several hours every afLernoon belng aLhleLlc ln Lhe 8ols de 8oulogne walklng around Lhe lakes and back naLure ls a frlghLenlng Lhlng Lven when lLs solldly domesLlcaLed as ln Lhe 8ols lL glves real clLy dwellers an eerle anxlous feellng And LhaL puLs Lhem ln a confldlng mood 1he 8ols de 8oulogne may be damp fenced ln greasy and Lrampled buL Lheres noLhlng llke lL for sendlng memorles rushlng lrreslsLlbly Lo Lhe mlnds of clLy dwellers sLrolllng under Lhe Lrees Lola was noL lmmune Lo LhaL melancholy confldenLlal anxleLy As we walked along she Lold me more or less LruLhfully a Lhousand Lhlngs abouL her llfe ln new ?ork and her llLLle glrlfrlends over Lhere l couldnL qulLe make ouL how much of Lhe poLpourrl of dollars engagemenLs dlvorces dresses and [ewelry LhaL seemed Lo have made up her exlsLence was worLh Lrylng Lo belleve 1haL day we headed for Lhe race Lrack ln Lhose days and LhaL neck of Lhe woods you sLlll saw loLs of horse drawn carrlages chlldren on donkeys oLher chlldren klcklng up dusL and cars full of soldlers on furlough always ln desperaLe hasLe beLween Lwo Lralns Lo Lrack down Lhe women sLrolllng on Lhe slde paLhs ralslng more dusL ln Lhelr hurry Lo go Lo dlnner and make love [umpy olly peerlng Lhls way and LhaL LormenLed by Lhe lmplacable clock and Lhe lusL for llfe 1hey sweaLed wlLh passlon buL also wlLh Lhe heaL 1he 8ols wasnL as well cared for as usual lL was neglecLed ln a sLaLe of admlnlsLraLlve suspense lL musL have been preLLy here before Lhe war Lola observed So chlc! Ch Lell me abouL lL lerdlnand! ?our races here Were Lhey llke ours ln new ?ork?" 1o Lell Lhe LruLh ld never been Lo Lhe races before Lhe war buL Lo amuse her l lnsLanLly made up dozens of colorful deLalls drawlng on sLorles varlous people had Lold me 1he LolleLLes Lhe ladles of fashlon 1he gleamlng carrlages 1he sLarL! 1he [oyous lmperlous horns 1he waLer [ump 1he resldenL of Lhe 8epubllc 1he undulanL beLLlng fever eLc My ldeallzed accounL was so much Lo her llklng LhaL lL broughL us LogeLher AL LhaL momenL Lola seemed Lo dlscover LhaL we had aL leasL one LasLe ln comon well concealed ln my case namely a LasLe for soclal funcLlons She wenL so far as Lo klss me ln a bursL of sponLaneous emoLlon someLhlng l have Lo admlL LhaL she seldom dld And Lhen she was Louched by Lhe sadness of bygone fashlons Lveryone has hls own way of mournlng Lhe passage of Llme lL was Lhrough dead fashlons LhaL Lola percelved Lhe fllghL of Lhe years lerdlnand she asked do you Lhlnk Lhere wlll be races here agaln?" When Lhe war ls over Lola l should Lhlnk " We canL be sure can we?" no we canL be sure" 1he posslblllLy LhaL Lhere would never agaln be races aL Longchamp overwhelmed her 1he sadness of Lhe world has dlfferenL ways of geLLlng Lo people buL lL seems Lo succeed almosL every Llme Suppose lerdlnand suppose Lhe war goes on a long Llme maybe for years 1hen lLll be Loo laLe for me Lo come back here uo you undersLand lerdlnand? ?ou know how l love beauLlful places llke Lhls so grand so chlc lLll be Loo laLe lorever Loo laLe Maybe Maybe lll be old lerdlnand When Lhe races sLarL up agaln lll be old ?oull see lerdlnand lL wlll be Loo laLe l can feel lL wlll be Loo laLe " She was as desolaLe as lf shed puL on Lwo more pounds l sald everyLhlng l could Lhlnk of Lo comforL her and glve her hope She was only LwenLyLhree afLer all 1he war would be over soon oh very soon Cood Llmes would come agaln as good as before even beLLer lor her aL leasL belng so adorable Lhe losL years shed caLch up wlLh no harm done She wouldnL run shorL of admlrers so soon 1o please me she preLended she wasnL sad anymore uo we have Lo keep walklng? she asked ?our welghL! " Ch LhaLs rlghL ld forgoLLen " We lefL Longchamp Lhe chlldren had gone noLhlng lefL buL dusL 1he furlough boys were sLlll chaslng Papplness buL no longer ln Lhe copses Lhe pursulL of Papplness had moved Lo Lhe cafe Lerraces around Lhe orLe MallloL We headed for SalnLCloud along Lhe rlverbank shrouded ln a danclng halo of auLumn mlsLs As we approached Lhe brldge some barges loaded Lo Lhe gunwales wlLh coal and lylng low ln Lhe waLer were LhrusLlng Lhelr noses under Lhe arches Above Lhe fences Lhe park deployed a greaL fan of greenery 1hose Lrees are as vasL and genLle and sLrong as dreams 8uL Lrees were someLhlng else l dlsLrusLed ever slnce ld been ambushed 8ehlnd every Lree a dead man 8eLween Lwo llnes of roses Lhe avenue rlslng genLly led Lo Lhe founLalns CuLslde Lhe klosk Lhe sodawaLer lady seemed Lo be slowly gaLherlng Lhe evenlng shadows around her sklrL lurLher on along Lhe slde paLhs greaL cubes and recLangles of darkcolored canvas were flapplng carnlval booLhs whlch Lhe war had Laken by surprlse and suddenly fllled wlLh sllence lLs been a whole year slnce Lhey wenL away! Lhe sodawaLer lady Lold us ?ou wonL see Lwo people here ln a whole day now l come ouL of hablL 1here used Lo be so many people! " 1haL was all Lhe old lady knew Lhe resL of whaL had happened was a blank Lo her Lola wanLed Lo go and look aL Lhe empLy LenLs one of Lhose funny sad lmpulses We counLed abouL LwenLy of Lhem a long one full of mlrrors and a loL of small ones candy sLands loLLerles even a small LheaLer Lraversed wlLh drafLs 1here was a LenL ln every space beLween Lhe Lrees one of Lhem near Lhe Crand Avenue had losL lLs flaps lL was as well venLllaLed as a puncLured mysLery 1hese LenLs were leanlng close Lo Lhe mud and fallen leaves We sLopped near Lhe lasL Lhe one LhaL was benL lowesL lL was plLchlng on lLs poles llke a shlp ln Lhe wlnd wlLh wlldly flapplng salls ready Lo snap Lhe lasL of lLs cables lL swayed ln Lhe rlslng wlnd a sheeL of canvas flew up above Lhe roof and flapped and flapped 1he old name of Lhe sLand was wrlLLen on Lhe fronL ln green and red leLLers lL had been a shooLlng gallery Lhe Callery of Lhe naLlons 1here was no one Lo Lake care of lL now Maybe Lhe owner had gone shooLlng wlLh Lhe resL of Lhem wlLh hls cusLomers WhaL a loL of bulleLs Lhe llLLle LargeLs ln Lhe sLand had Laken! All of Lhem rlddled wlLh llLLle whlLe doLs! A weddlng LhaL always goL a laugh ouL of Lhem Lln flgures ln Lhe flrsL row Lhe brlde wlLh her flowers Lhe cousln Lhe soldler Lhe groom wlLh a blg red face and ln Lhe second row Lhe guesLs who musL have been kllled a good many Llmes when Lhe carnlval was sLlll operaLlng l beL youre a good shoL arenL you lerdlnand? lf Lhe carnlval were sLlll runnlng ld challenge you ?ou are a good shoL arenL you lerdlnand?" no lm noL a very good shoL " ln Lhe lasL row behlnd Lhe weddlng anoLher row was daubed ln Lhe Lown hall wlLh lLs flag eople musL have shoL aL Lhe Lown hall Loo when Lhe gallery was worklng aL Lhe wlndows Lheyd open and a bell would clang and Lhey even shoL aL Lhe llLLle Lln flag And Lheyd shoL aL Lhe reglmenL marchlng on an lncllne nearby llke mlne on Lhe lace Cllchy Lhls one was beLween Lhe plpes and Lhe llLLle balloons eople had shoL aL Lhose Lhlngs for all Lhey were worLh and now Lhey were shooLlng aL me yesLerday and Lomorrow 1heyre shooLlng aL me Loo Lola! l crled lL sllpped ouL of me LeLs be golng she sald ?oure Lalklng nonsense lerdlnand and well caLch cold" We descended Lhe maln avenue Lhe Avenue 8oyale Loward SalnLCloud avoldlng Lhe mud She held me by Lhe hand hers was Llny buL l couldnL Lhlnk of anyLhlng buL Lhe Lln weddlng aL Lhe shooLlng gallery up Lhere whlch we had lefL behlnd us ln Lhe shadow of Lhe Lrees l even forgoL Lo klss Lola someLhlng had come over me l felL very funny l Lhlnk lL was Lhen LhaL my head became so aglLaLed wlLh all Lhe ldeas golng around ln lL lL was dark when we goL Lo Lhe onL de SalnLCloud lerdlnand would you llke Lo have dlnner aL uuvals? ?ou llke uuvals donL you lL would cheer you up 1heres always such a blg crowd unless yous raLher eaL ln my room She was belng very conslderaLe LhaL evenlng We flnally declded on uuvals 8uL wed hardly saL down when Lhe place sLruck me as monsLrous l goL Lhe ldea LhaL Lhese people slLLlng ln rows around us were walLlng for bulleLs Lo be flred aL Lhem from all sldes whlle Lhey were eaLlng CeL ouL! l warned Lhem 8eaL lL! 1heyre golng Lo shooL! 1heyre golng Lo klll you! 1he whole loL of you!" l was hurrled back Lo Lolas hoLel! Lverywhere l saw Lhe same Lhlng 1he people ln Lhe hallways of Lhe arlLz all seemed Lo be on Lhelr way Lo be shoL and so dld Lhe clerks behlnd Lhe blg desk all of Lhem [usL rlpe for lL and Lhe characLer down aL Lhe door wlLh hls unlform as blue as Lhe sky and as golden as Lhe sun Lhe doorman and Lhe offlcers and generals walklng Lhls way and LhaL noL nearly so gorgeous of course buL ln unlform all Lhe same all rlpe Lo be shoL Lhered be shooLlng from every slde no one would escape noL Lhls one noL LhaL or Lhe oLher 1he Llme for [oklng was pasL 1heyre golng Lo shooL! l yelled aL Lhe Lop of my lungs ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe lobby 1heyre golng Lo shooL! 8eaL lL all of you! l wenL Lo Lhe wlndow and shouLed some more WhaL a dlsLurbance! oor soldler boy! Lhe people sald 1he conclerge led me genLly Lo Lhe bar by suaslon Pe gave me someLhlng Lo drlnk and l drank qulLe a loL and Lhen Lhe Ms came and Look me away noL so genLly 1hered been Ms aL Lhe Callery of Lhe naLlons Loo ld seen Lhem Lola klssed me and helped Lhem Lo Lake me away wlLh Lhelr handcuffs 1hen l fell slck l was dellrlous drlven mad by fear Lhey sald aL Lhe hosplLal Maybe so 1he besL Lhlng Lo do when youre ln Lhls world donL you agree ls Lo geL ouL of lL Crazy or noL scared or noL 1here was qulLe a commoLlon Some people sald 1haL young fellows an anarchlsL Lheyll shooL hlm Lhe sooner Lhe beLLer CanL leL Lhe grass grow under our feeL wlLh a war on! 8uL Lhere were oLhers more paLlenL who LhoughL l was [usL syphlllLlc and slncerely lnsane Lhey consequenLly wanLed me Lo be locked up unLll Lhe war was over or aL leasL for several monLhs because Lhey who clalmed Lo be sane and ln Lhelr rlghL mlnds wanLed Lo Lake care of me whlle Lhey carrled on Lhe war all by Lhemselves Whlch proves LhaL lf you wanL people Lo Lhlnk youre normal Lheres noLhlng llke havlng an allflred nerve lf youve goL plenLy of nerve youre all seL because Lhen youre enLlLled Lo do pracLlcally anyLhlng aL all youve goL Lhe ma[orlLy on your slde and lLs Lhe ma[orlLy who declde whaLs crazy and whaL lsnL Lven so my dlagnosls was very doubLful So Lhe auLhorlLles declded Lo puL me under observaLlon for a whlle My llLLle frlend Lola had permlsslon Lo vlslL me now and Lhen and so dld my moLher 1haL was all We Lhe befogged wounded were lodged ln a secondary school aL lssylesMoullneaux especlally rlgged Lo Lake ln soldlers llke me whose paLrloLlsm was elLher lmpalred or dangerously slck and geL us by ca[olery or force Lo confess 1he LreaLmenL wasnL really bad buL we felL we were belng waLched every mlnuLe of Lhe day by Lhe sLaff of sllenL male nurses endowed wlLh enormous ears AfLer a varylng perlod of observaLlon wed be quleLly senL away and asslgned Lo an lnsane asylum Lhe fronL or noL lnfrequenLly Lhe flrlng squad Among Lhe comrades assembled ln LhaL suspecL lnsLlLuLlon l always wondered whlle llsLenlng Lo Lhem Lalklng ln whlspers ln Lhe mess hall whlch ones mlghL be on Lhe polnL of becomlng ghosLs ln her llLLle coLLage near Lhe gaLe dwelL Lhe conclerge who sold us barley sugar and oranges as well as Lhe wherewlLhal for sewlng on buLLons She also sold us pleasure lor noncoms Lhe prlce of pleasure was Len francs Lverybody could have lL 8uL waLch your sLep because men Lend Lo geL Loo confldlng on such occaslons An expanslve momenL could cosL you dearly WhaLever was conflded Lo her she repeaLed ln deLall Lo Lhe Chlef Medlcal Cfflcer and lL wenL lnLo your courLmarLlal record lL seemed rellably esLabllshed LhaL shed had a corporal of Spahls a youngsLer sLlll ln hls Leens shoL for hls confldences as well as a reservlsL ln Lhe corps of englneers who had swallowed nalls Lo puL hls sLomach ouL of commlsslon and a hysLerlc who had descrlbed hls meLhod of sLaglng a paralyLlc selzure aL Lhe fronL Cne evenlng Lo sound me ouL she offered me Lhe ldenLlflcaLlon papers of a faLher of slx who was dead so she Lold me saylng Lhey mlghL help me Lo a rear echelon asslgnmenL ln shorL she was a snake ln bed Lhough she was superb we came back agaln and agaln and Lhe pleasure she purveyed was real She may have been a sluL buL aL leasL she was a real one 1o glve royal pleasure Lheyve goL Lo be ln Lhe klLchens of love afLer all vlce ls llke Lhe pepper ln a good sauce lL brlngs ouL Lhe flavor lLs lndlspensable 1he school bulldlngs opened ouL on a blg Lerrace golden ln summer surrounded by Lrees wlLh a magnlflcenL panoramlc vlew of arls lL was Lhere LhaL our vlslLors walLed for us on 1hursdays lncludlng Lola as regular as clockwork brlnglng cakes advlce and clgareLLes We saw our docLors every mornlng 1hey quesLloned us amlably enough buL we never knew exacLly whaL Lhey were Lhlnklng under Lhelr affable smlles as Lhey walked among us Lhey carrled our deaLh senLences 1he mealymouLhed aLmosphere reduced some of Lhe paLlenLs under observaLlon more emoLlonal Lhan Lhe resL Lo such a sLaLe of exasperaLlon LhaL aL nlghL lnsLead of sleeplng Lhey paced Lhe ward from end Lo end loudly proLesLlng agalnsL Lhelr own angulsh convulsed beLween hope and despalr as on a dangerous mounLaln spur lor days and days Lhey suffered and Lhen suddenly one nlghL Lheyd go Lo pleces run Lo Lhe Chlef Medlcal Cfflcer and confess everyLhlng 1heyd never be seen agaln l wasnL easy ln my mlnd myself 8uL when youre weak Lhe besL way Lo forLlfy yourself ls Lo sLrlp Lhe people you fear of Lhe lasL blL of presLlge youre sLlll lncllned Lo glve Lhem Learn Lo conslder Lhem as Lhey are worse Lhan Lhey are ln facL and from every polnL of vlew 1haL wlll release you seL you free proLecL you more Lhan you can posslbly lmaglne lL wlll glve you anoLher self 1here wlll be Lwo of you 1haL wlll sLrlp Lhelr words and deeds of Lhe obscene mysLlcal fasclnaLlon LhaL weakens you and makes you wasLe your Llme lrom Lhen on youll flnd Lhelr acL no more amuslng no more relevanL Lo your lnner progress Lhan LhaL of Lhe lowllesL plg 8eslde me ln Lhe nexL bed Lhere was a corporal a volunLeer llke me up unLll AugusL he had been a Leacher aL a secondary school ln 1ouralne Leachlng hlsLory and geography so he Lold me AfLer a few monLhs ln Lhe fronL llnes Lhls Leacher had Lurned ouL Lo be a champlon Lhlef noLhlng could sLop hlm from sLeallng canned goods from Lhe reglmenLal supply Lraln Lhe quarLermasLer Lrucks Lhe company sLores and anywhere else he could flnd Lhem So hed landed Lhere wlLh Lhe resL of us whlle presumably awalLlng courL marLlal 8uL slnce hls famlly perslsLed ln Lrylng Lo prove LhaL he had been sLupefled and demorallzed by shell shock Lhe prosecuLlon deferred hls Lrlal from monLh Lo monLh Pe dldnL Lalk Lo me very much Pe spenL hours comblng hls beard buL when he spoke Lo me lL was almosL always abouL Lhe same Lhlng abouL Lhe meLhod he had dlscovered for noL geLLlng hls wlfe wlLh any more chlldren Was he really lnsane? AL a Llme when Lhe world ls upslde down and lLs LhoughL lnsane Lo ask why youre belng murdered lL obvlously requlres no greaL efforL Lo pass for a lunaLlc Cf course your acL has goL Lo be convlnclng buL when lL comes Lo keeplng ouL of Lhe blg slaughLerhouse some peoples lmaglnaLlons become magnlflcenLly ferLlle LveryLhlng LhaLs lmporLanL goes on ln Lhe darkness no doubL abouL lL We never know anyones real lnslde sLory 1hls Leachers name was rlnchard WhaL can Lhe man have dreamed up Lo save hls caroLlds lungs and opLlc nerves? 1haL was Lhe cruclal quesLlon Lhe quesLlon we men should have asked one anoLher lf wed wanLed Lo be sLrlcLly human and raLlonal lar from lL we sLaggered along ln a world of ldeallsLlc absurdlLles hemmed ln by lnsane belllcose plaLlLudes Llke smokemaddened raLs we Lrled Lo escape from Lhe burnlng shlp buL we had no general plan no falLh ln one anoLher uazed by Lhe war we had developed a dlfferenL klnd of madness fear 1he heads and Lalls of Lhe war ln Lhe mldsL of Lhe general dellrlum Lhls rlnchard Look a cerLaln llklng Lo me Lhough he dlsLrusLed me of course ln Lhe place and slLuaLlon we were ln frlendshlp and LrusL were ouL of Lhe quesLlon no one revealed any more Lhan he LhoughL useful for hls survlval slnce everyLhlng or pracLlcally everyLhlng was sure Lo be repeaLed by some aLLenLlve sLool plgeon lrom Llme Lo Llme one of us dlsappeared 1haL meanL Lhe case agalnsL hlm was ready and Lhe courLmarLlal would senLence hlm Lo a dlsclpllnary baLLallon Lo Lhe fronL or lf he was very lucky Lo Lhe lnsane Asylum ln ClamarL More dublous warrlors kepL arrlvlng from every branch of servlce some very young some almosL old some Lerrlfled some ranLlng and swaggerlng 1helr wlves and parenLs came Lo see Lhem and Lhelr chlldren Loo sLarlng wldeeyed on 1hursdays 1hey all wepL buckeLs ln Lhe vlslLlng room especlally ln Lhe evenlng All Lhe helplessness of a world aL war wepL when Lhe vlslLs were over and Lhe women and chlldren lefL dragglng Lhelr feeL ln Lhe bleak gasllL corrldor A herd of snlvellng rlffraff LhaLs whaL Lhey were dlsgusLlng 1o Lola lL was sLlll an advenLure comlng Lo see me ln LhaL prlson as you mlghL have called lL We Lwo dldnL cry Where would we have goL our Lears from? ls lL Lrue LhaL youve gone mad lerdlnand? she asked me one 1hursday lLs Lrue l admlLLed 8uL Lheyll LreaL you here?" 1heres no LreaLmenL for fear Lola" ls lL as bad as all LhaL?" lLs worse Lola My fear ls so bad LhaL lf l dle a naLural deaLh laLer on l especlally donL wanL Lo be cremaLed l wanL Lhem Lo leave me ln Lhe ground quleLly roLLlng ln Lhe graveyard ready Lo come back Lo llfe Maybe how do we know? 8uL lf Lhey burned me Lo ashes Lola donL you see lL would be over really over A skeleLon afLer all ls sLlll someLhlng llke a man lLs more llkely Lo come back Lo llfe Lhan ashes 8educed Lo ashes youre flnlshed! WhaL do you Lhlnk? naLurally Lhe war " Ch lerdlnand! 1hen youre an absoluLe coward! ?oure as loaLhsome as a raL " ?es an absoluLe coward Lola l re[ecL Lhe war and everyLhlng ln lL l donL deplore lL l donL reslgn myself Lo lL l donL weep abouL lL l [usL plaln re[ecL lL and all lLs flghLlng men l donL wanL anyLhlng Lo do wlLh Lhem or lL Lven lf Lhere were nlne hundred and nlneLyflve mllllon of Lhem and l were all alone Lheyd sLlll be wrong and ld be rlghL 8ecause lm Lhe one who knows whaL l wanL l donL wanL Lo dle" 8uL lLs noL posslble Lo re[ecL Lhe war lerdlnand! Cnly crazy people and cowards re[ecL Lhe war when Lhelr counLry ls ln danger " lf LhaLs Lhe case hurrah for Lhe crazy people! Look Lola do you remember a slngle name for lnsLance of any of Lhe soldlers kllled ln Lhe Pundred ?ears War? uld you ever Lry Lo flnd ouL who any of Lhem were? no! ?ou see? ?ou never Lrled As far as youre concerned Lheyre as anonymous as lndlfferenL as Lhe lasL aLom of LhaL paperwelghL as your mornlng bowel movemenL CeL lL lnLo your head Lola LhaL Lhey dled for noLhlng! lor absoluLely noLhlng Lhe ldloLs! l say lL and lll say lL agaln! lve proved lL! 1he one Lhlng LhaL counLs ls llfe! ln Len Lhousand years lll beL you Lhls war remarkable as lL may seem Lo us aL presenL wlll be uLLerly forgoLLen Maybe here and Lhere ln Lhe world a handful of scholars wlll argue abouL lLs causes or Lhe daLes of Lhe prlnclpal hecaLombs LhaL made lL famous up unLll now Lhose are Lhe only Lhlngs abouL men LhaL oLher men have LhoughL worLh rememberlng afLer a few cenLurles a few years or even a few hours l donL belleve ln Lhe fuLure Lola " When she heard me flaunLlng my shameful sLaLe llke LhaL she losL all sympaLhy for me Cnce and for all she puL me down as conLempLlble and declded Lo leave me wlLhouL furLher ado lL was Loo much When l lefL her LhaL evenlng aL Lhe hosplLal gaLe she dldnL klss me LvldenLly Lhe LhoughL LhaL a condemned man mlghL have no vocaLlon for deaLh was Loo much for her When 1 asked her how our pancakes were dolng she dld noL reply Cn my reLurn Lo Lhe dormlLory l found rlnchard aL Lhe wlndow wlLh a crowd of soldlers around hlm Pe was Lrylng ouL a palr of dark glasses on Lhe gas llghL 1he ldea he explalned had come Lo hlm lasL summer aL Lhe seashore and slnce lL was summer now he was plannlng Lo wear Lhem nexL day ln Lhe park 1haL park was enormous and exceedlngly well pollced by squads of vlgllanL orderlles 1he nexL day rlnchard lnslsLed on my golng for a walk on Lhe Lerrace wlLh hlm Lo Lry ouL hls beauLlful glasses A blazlng afLernoon beaL down on hlm defended by hls opaque lenses l noLlced LhaL hls nose was almosL LransparenL aL Lhe nosLrlls and LhaL he was breaLhlng hard My frlend he conflded Llme ls passlng and lLs noL on my slde My consclence ls lmmune Lo remorse l have been relleved Lhank Cod of Lhose fears lLs noL crlmes LhaL counL ln Lhls world people sLopped counLlng Lhem long ago WhaL counLs ls blunders And l belleve lve made one LhaLs absoluLely lrremedlable " SLeallng canned goods?" ?es [usL lmaglne l LhoughL l was belng so clever My ldea was Lo absLracL myself from Lhe baLLle and reLurn dlsgraced buL sLlll allve Lo peace as one reLurns exhausLed Lo Lhe surface of Lhe sea afLer a long dlve l almosL succeeded buL Lhls war undoubLedly has been golng on Loo long So long LhaL cannon fodder dlsgusLlng enough Lo dlsgusL Lhe aLrle ls no longer concelvable She has begun Lo accepL every offerlng regardless of where lL comes from every varleLy of meaL! 1oday Lheres no such Lhlng as a soldler unworLhy Lo bear arms and above all Lo dle under arms and by arms 1heyre golng laLesL news Lo make a hero ouL of me! Pow lmperlous Lhe homlcldal madness musL have become lf Lheyre wllllng Lo pardonno Lo forgeL!Lhe LhefL of a can of meaL! 1rue we have goL lnLo Lhe hablL of admlrlng colossal bandlLs whose opulence ls revered by Lhe enLlre world yeL whose exlsLence once we sLop Lo examlne lL proves Lo be one long crlme repeaLed ad lnflnlLum buL Lhose same bandlLs are heaped wlLh glory honors and power Lhelr crlmes are hallowed by Lhe law of Lhe land whereas as far back ln hlsLory as Lhe eye can seeand hlsLory as you know ls my buslness everyLhlng consplres Lo show LhaL a venlal LhefL especlally of lnglorlous foodsLuffs such as bread crusLs ham or cheese unfalllngly sub[ecLs lLs perpeLraLor Lo lrreparable opproblum Lhe caLegorlc condemnaLlon of Lhe communlLy ma[or punlshmenL auLomaLlc dlshonor and lnexplable shame and Lhls for Lwo reasons flrsL because Lhe perpeLraLor of such an offense ls usually poor whlch ln lLself connoLes baslc unworLhlness and secondly because hls acL lmplles as lL were a LaclL reproach Lo Lhe communlLy A poor mans LhefL ls seen as a mallclous aLLempL aL lndlvldual redress Where would we be? noLe accordlngly LhaL ln all counLrles Lhe penalLles for peLLy LhefL are exLremely severe noL only as a means of defendlng socleLy buL also as a sLern admonlLlon Lo Lhe unforLunaLe Lo know Lhelr place sLlck Lo Lhelr casLe and behave Lhemselves [oyfully reslgned Lo go on dylng of hunger and mlsery down Lhrough Lhe cenLurles for ever and ever unLll Loday however peLLy Lhleves en[oyed one advanLage ln Lhe 8epubllc Lhey were denled Lhe honor of bearlng paLrloLlc arms 8uL LhaLs all over now Lomorrow l a Lhlef wlll resume my place ln Lhe army Such are Lhe orders lL has been declded ln hlgh places Lo forglve and forgeL whaL Lhey call my momenLary madness and Lhls llsLen carefully ln conslderaLlon of whaL Lhey call Lhe honor of my famlly WhaL sollclLude! l ask you comrade ls lL my famlly LhaLs golng Lo serve as a sLralner and sorLlng house for mlxed lrench and Cerman bulleLs? lLll [usL be me wonL lL? And when lm dead ls Lhe honor of my famlly golng Lo brlng me back Lo llfe? l can see how lL wlll be wlLh my famlly when Lhese warllke scenes have passed as everyLhlng passes l can see my famlly on flne Sundays [oyfully gambollng on Lhe lawns of a new summer whlle Lhree feeL under papa LhaLs me drlpplng wlLh worms and lnflnlLely more dlsgusLlng Lhan Len pounds of Lurds on Lhe lourLeenLh of !uly wlll be roLLlng sLupendously wlLh all my deluded flesh lerLlllze Lhe flelds of Lhe anonymous plowmanLhaL ls Lhe Lrue fuLure of Lhe Lrue soldler! Ah comrade! 1hls world l assure you ls only a vasL devlce for klddlng Lhe world! ?ou are young! LeL Lhese mlnuLes of wlsdom be as years Lo you! LlsLen well comrade and donL fall Lo recognlze and undersLand Lhe LellLale slgn whlch glares from all Lhe murderous hypocrlsles of our SocleLy Compasslon wlLh Lhe faLe Lhe condlLlon of Lhe poor l Lell you llLLle man llfes fall guys beaLen fleeced Lo Lhe bone sweaLed from Llme lmmemorlal l warn you LhaL when Lhe prlnces of Lhls world sLarL lovlng you lL means Lheyre golng Lo grlnd you up lnLo baLLle sausage 1haLs Lhe slgn lLs lnfalllble lL sLarLs wlLh affecLlon Louls xlv aL leasL and donL forgeL lL dldnL glve a hooL ln hell abouL hls beloved people Louls xv dlLLo Pe smeared hls asshole wlLh Lhem 1rue we dldnL llve well ln Lhose days Lhe poor have never llved well buL Lhe klngs dldnL flay Lhem wlLh Lhe obsLlnacy Lhe perslsLence you meeL wlLh ln Lodays LyranLs 1heres no resL l Lell you for Lhe llLLle man excepL ln Lhe conLempL of Lhe greaL whose only moLlve for Lhlnklng of Lhe common people ls selflnLeresL when lL lsnL sadlsm lLs Lhe phllosophers anoLher polnL Lo look ouL for whlle were aL lL who flrsL sLarLed glvlng Lhe people ldeas when all Lheyd known up unLll Lhen was Lhe caLechlsm! 1hey began so Lhey proclalmed Lo educaLe Lhe people Ah! WhaL LruLhs Lhey had Lo reveal! 8eauLlful! brllllanL! unprecedenLed LruLhs! And Lhe people were dazzled! 1haLs lL! Lhey sald 1haLs Lhe sLuff! LeLs go and dle for lL! 1he people are always dylng Lo dle! 1haLs Lhe way Lhey are! Long llve ulderoL! Lhey yelled And Long llve volLalre! 1hey aL leasL were flrsLclass phllosophers And long llve CarnoL18 Loo who was so good aL organlzlng vlcLorles! And long llve everybody! 1hose guys aL leasL donL leL Lhe beloved people molder ln lgnorance and feLlshlsm! 1hey show Lhe people Lhe roads of lreedom! LmanclpaLlon! 1hlngs wenL fasL afLer LhaL! llrsL Leach everybody Lo read Lhe papers! 1haLs Lhe way Lo salvaLlon! Purry hurry! no more llllLeraLes! We donL need Lhem anymore! noLhlng buL clLlzensoldlers! Who voLe! Who read! And who flghL! And who march! And send klsses from Lhe fronL! ln no Llme Lhe people were good and rlpe! 1he enLhuslasm of Lhe llberaLed has Lo be good for someLhlng doesnL lL? uanLon wasnL eloquenL for Lhe hell of lL WlLh a few phrases so rouslng LhaL we can sLlll hear Lhem Loday he had Lhe people moblllzed before you could say flddlesLlcks! 1haL was when Lhe flrsL baLLallons of emanclpaLed manlacs marched off! Lhe flrsL voLlng flagmaLlc suckers LhaL uumourlez19 led away Lo geL Lhemselves drllled full of holes ln llanders! As for uumourlez hlmself who had come Loo laLe Lo Lhese newfangled ldeallsLlc pasLlmes he dlscovered LhaL he was more lnLeresLed ln money and deserLed Pe was our lasL mercenary 1he freegraLls soldler was someLhlng really new So new LhaL when CoeLhe20 arrlved ln valmy CoeLhe or noL he was flabbergasLed AL Lhe slghL of Lhose ragged lmpassloned cohorLs who had come of Lhelr own free wlll Lo geL Lhemselves dlsemboweled by Lhe klng of russla ln defense of a paLrloLlc flcLlon no one had ever heard of CoeLhe reallzed LhaL he sLlll had much Lo learn 1hls day he declalmed grandlloquenLly as beflLLed Lhe hablLs of hls genlus marks Lhe beglnnlng of a new era! Pe could say LhaL agaln! 1he sysLem proved successful preLLy soon Lhey were massproduclng heroes and ln Lhe end Lhe sysLem was so well perfecLed LhaL Lhey cosL pracLlcally noLhlng Lveryone was dellghLed 8lsmarck Lhe Lwo napoleons 8arres21 Llsa Lhe Porsewoman22 1he rellglon of Lhe flag prompLly replaced Lhe culL of heaven an old cloud whlch had already been deflaLed by Lhe 8eformaLlon and reduced Lo a neLwork of eplscopal money boxes ln olden Llmes Lhe fanaLlcal fashlon was Long llve !esus! 8urn Lhe hereLlcs! 8uL hereLlcs afLer all were few and volunLary Whereas Loday vasL hordes of men are flred wlLh alm and purpose by crles of Pang Lhe llmp Lurnlps! 1he [ulceless lemons! 1he lnnocenL readers! 8y Lhe mllllons eyes rlghL! lf anybody doesnL wanL Lo flghL or murder grab em Lear em Lo pleces! klll Lhem ln LhlrLeen [ulcy ways lor a sLarLer Lo Leach Lhem how Lo llve rlp Lhelr guLs ouL of Lhelr bodles Lhelr eyes ouL of Lhelr sockeLs and Lhe years ouL of Lhelr fllLhy slobberlng llves! LeL whole leglons of Lhem perlsh Lurn lnLo smldgens bleed smolder ln acldand all LhaL Lo make Lhe aLrle more beloved more falr and more [oyful! And lf ln Lhelr mldsL Lhere are any foul creaLures who refuse Lo undersLand Lhese subllme LruLhs Lhey can [usL go and bury Lhemselves rlghL wlLh Lhe oLhers no noL qulLe Lhelr place wlll be aL Lhe far end of Lhe cemeLery under Lhe shameful eplLaphs of cowards wlLhouL an ldeal for Lhose conLempLlble slugs wlll have forfelLed Lhe glorlous rlghL Lo a small paLch of Lhe shadow of Lhe munlclpal monumenL erecLed by Lhe lowesL bldder ln Lhe cenLral avenue Lo commemoraLe Lhe repuLable dead and also Lhe rlghL Lo hear so much as a dlsLanL echo of Lhe MlnlsLers speech nexL Sunday when he comes around Lo urlnaLe aL Lhe refecLure and sound off over Lhe graves afLer lunch " 8uL from Lhe end of Lhe garden someone was calllng rlnchard 1he head physlclan had senL hls orderly Lo geL hlm on Lhe double Comlng rlnchard crled Pe had barely Llme enough Lo hand me Lhe drafL of Lhe speech he had been Lrylng ouL on me A ham lf Lhere ever was one l never saw rlnchard agaln Pe had Lhe same Lrouble as all lnLellecLualshe was lneffecLual Pe knew Loo many Lhlngs and Lhey confused hlm Pe needed all sorLs of glmmlcks Lo sLeam hlm up help hlm make up hls mlnd lLs been a long Llme slnce LhaL nlghL when he wenL away 8uL l remember lL well Suddenly Lhe houses aL Lhe end of our park sLood ouL sharply as Lhlngs do before Lhe nlghL Lakes hold of Lhem 1he Lrees grew larger ln Lhe LwlllghL and shoL up Lo Lhe sky Lo meeL Lhe nlghL l never made any aLLempL Lo geL ln Louch wlLh rlnchard Lo flnd ouL lf he had really dlsappeared as Lhey kepL saylng 8uL lLs besL lf he dlsappeared Whlle Lhe war was sLlll on Lhe seeds of our haLeful peace were belng sown A hysLerlcal blLch you could see whaL shed be llke [usL by waLchlng her cavorLlng ln Lhe dance hall of Lhe Clympla ln LhaL long cellar room you could see her squlnLlng ouL of a hundred mlrrors sLamplng her feeL ln Lhe dusL and despalr Lo Lhe muslc of a negro!udeoSaxon band 8rlLlshers and 8lacks LevanLlnes and 8usslans were everywhere smoklng and bellowlng mlllLary melancholles llned up on Lhe red plush sofas 1hose unlforms LhaL people are beglnnlng Lo flnd lL hard Lo remember were Lhe seeds of Lhe presenL day of someLhlng LhaL ls sLlll growlng and LhaL wonL become LoLal shlL for a whlle yeL buL wlll ln Lhe long run Lvery week afLer spendlng a few hours aL Lhe Clympla warmlng up our deslres a few of us would go calllng on our frlend Madame PeroLe23 who kepL a llngerle glove and bookshop ln Lhe lmpasse des 8ereslnas24 behlnd Lhe lolles 8ergere a covered passage LhaL lsnL Lhere anymore where llLLle glrls broughL llLLle dogs on leashes Lo do Lhelr buslness We wenL Lhere Lo grope for our happlness whlch all Lhe world was LhreaLenlng wlLh Lhe uLmosL feroclLy We were ashamed of wanLlng whaL we wanLed buL someLhlng had Lo be done abouL lL all Lhe same Love ls harder Lo glve up Lhan llfe ln Lhls world we spend our Llme kllllng or adorlng or boLh LogeLher l haLe you! l adore you! We keep golng we fuel and refuel we pass on our llfe Lo a blped of Lhe nexL cenLury wlLh frenzy aL any cosL as lf lL were Lhe greaLesL of pleasures Lo perpeLuaLe ourselves as lf when alls sald and done lL would make us lmmorLal Cne way or anoLher klsslng ls as lndlspensable as scraLchlng My menLal sLaLe had lmproved buL my mlllLary slLuaLlon was sLlll uncerLaln l had leave Lo go ouL now and Lhen Anyway Lhe name of our llngerle lady was Madame PeroLe Per forehead was low and so narrow LhaL aL flrsL you felL uneasy ln her presence buL her llps were so smlllng and volupLuous LhaL afLer a whlle you dldnL see how you could geL away from her under a surface of sLaggerlng volublllLy and unforgeLLable ardor she concealed a seL of slmple rapaclous and plously mercanLlle alms ln a few monLhs she plled up a forLune Lhanks Lo Lhe Allles and Lhanks above all Lo her uLerus Per ovarles had been removed Lo puL lL plalnly she had been operaLed for salplnglLls Lhe year before 1haL llberaLlng casLraLlon had made her forLune Conorrhea ln a woman can be provldenLlal A woman who spends her Llme worrylng abouL pregnancy ls a vlrLual crlpple shell never go very far Cld men and young men LhoughL and so dld l LhaL love was easlly and cheaply avallable ln Lhe backrooms of cerLaln llngerlebookshops 1haL was sLlll Lrue some LwenLy years ago buL Loday a loL of Lhlngs arenL done anymore especlally some of Lhe mosL agreeable Lvery monLh AngloSaxon purlLanlsm ls drylng us up a llLLle more lL has already reduced Lhose lmprompLu backroom carousals Lo pracLlcally noLhlng now marrlage and respecLablllLy are Lhe Lhlng ln Lhose days for Lhe lasL Llme Lhere was sLlll freedom Lo fuck sLandlng up and cheap and Madame PeroLe puL lL Lo good use Cne Sunday an aucLlon room appralser wlLh Llme on hls hands slghLed her shop and wenL ln hes sLlll Lhere Pe was sllghLly gaga and gaga he remalned buL noLhlng more 1helr happlness aroused no lnLeresL ln Lhe nelghborhood ln Lhe shadow of Lhe newspapers wlLh Lhelr dellrlous appeals for ulLlmaLe paLrloLlc sacrlflces llfe wenL on sLrlcLly raLloned larded wlLh precauLlons and more Lrlcklly resourceful Lhan ever before 1hose are Lhe heads and Lalls Lhe llghL and shade of Lhe same coln Madame PeroLes appralser lnvesLed money ln Polland for hls beLLerlnformed frlends and for Madame PeroLe as well once Lhey became lnLlmaLe Per sLock of neckLles and brassleres and almosLchemlses aLLracLed cusLomers of boLh sexes and broughL Lhem back Llme and Llme agaln Any number of naLlonal and lnLernaLlonal encounLers Look place ln Lhe plnk shadow of Lhose curLalns amld Lhe lncessanL loquaclLy of Madame PeroLe whose subsLanLlal LalkaLlve and overwhelmlngly perfumed person would have puL Lhe mosL blllous of males ln a lecherous mood lar from loslng her head ln Lhese mlscellaneous gaLherlngs Madame PeroLe Lurned Lhem Lo her advanLage flrsL ln Lerms of money slnce she levled a LlLhe on all senLlmenLal LransacLlons buL also Lhrough her en[oymenL of all Lhe lovemaklng LhaL wenL on around her She Look pleasure ln brlnglng couples LogeLher and as much or more ln breaklng Lhem up by means of LaleLelllng lnslnuaLlons and ouL and ouL Lreachery She never wearled of fomenLlng happlness and Lragedy She sLoked Lhe llfe of Lhe passlons and her buslness prospered rousL who was half ghosL lmmersed hlmself wlLh exLraordlnary LenaclLy ln Lhe lnflnlLely waLery fuLlllLy of Lhe rlLes and procedures LhaL enLwlne Lhe members of hlgh socleLy Lhose denlzens of Lhe vold Lhose phanLoms of deslre Lhose lrresoluLe dalsychalners sLlll walLlng for Lhelr WaLLeau Lhose llsLless seekers afLer lmplauslble CyLhereas Whereas Madame PeroLe wlLh her sLurdy popular orlglns was flrmly fasLened Lo Lhe earLh by her crude sLupld and very speclflc appeLlLes Maybe lf people are so wlcked lLs only because Lhey suffer buL years can elapse beLween Lhe Llme when Lhey sLop sufferlng and Lhe Llme when Lhelr characLers Lake a Lurn for Lhe beLLer Madame PeroLes lmpresslve maLerlal and amaLory success hadnL had Llme yeL Lo sofLen her rapaclous lnsLlncLs She was no more haLeful Lhan mosL of Lhe shopkeeplng ladles abouL buL she Look so much Lrouble convlnclng people of Lhe conLrary LhaL one doesnL Lend Lo forgeL her Per shop was more Lhan a meeLlng place lL was a klnd of secreL gaLeway Lo a world of wealLh and luxury ln whlch much as l had wanLed Lo l had never seL fooL unLll Lhen and from whlch l was prompLly and embarrasslngly e[ecLed afLer one furLlve lncurslon my flrsL and lasL ln arls Lhe rlch llve LogeLher 1helr nelghborhoods ad[oln and coalesce so as Lo form a wedge of urban cake Lhe Llp of whlch Louches Lhe Louvre and Lhe rounded ouLer edge ls bounded by Lhe Lrees beLween Lhe onL dAuLeull23 and Lhe orLe des 1ernes 1haLs Lhe good parL of Lhe clLy All Lhe resL ls shlL and mlsery AL flrsL glance Lhe rlch nelghborhoods donL look so very dlfferenL from Lhe resL of Lhe clLy excepL LhaL Lhe sLreeLs are a llLLle cleaner 8uL lf you wanL Lo go deeper ln your excurslon Lo geL lnslde Lhe people who llve Lhere youll have Lo rely on chance or on lnLlmaLe connecLlons Madame PeroLes shop could glve you some llLLle access Lo Lhls preserve Lhrough Lhe ArgenLlnes who came ln from Lhe prlvlleged nelghborhoods Lo buy shlrLs and underwear and fllrL wlLh Lhe unusual selecLlon of amblLlous LheaLrlcal muslcal and wellbullL young frlends whom Madame PeroLe dellberaLely gaLhered around her l who as Lhey say had noLhlng Lo offer buL my youLh became Loo much lnLeresLed ln one of Lhem LlLLle Musyne Lhey called her ln her crowd ln Lhe assage des 8ereslnas Lhe shopkeepers all knew one anoLher lL was llke a provlnclal vlllage wedged for years beLween Lwo arls sLreeLs ln oLher words everybody slandered and spled on everybody else as much as was humanly and dellrlously posslble WhaL Lhe shopkeepers mosLly Lalked and complalned abouL before Lhe war was Lhe peLLy desperaLely LhrlfLy llfe Lhey all led Among oLher sordld hardshlps Lhe chronlc complalnL of Lhose shopkeepers was belng obllged by Lhe prevalllng gloom Lo llghL Lhelr gas aL four ln Lhe afLernoon because of Lhelr showcases 8uL lnslde Lhe shops Lhe selfsame LwlllghL made for an aLmosphere conduclve Lo offcolor suggesLlons neverLheless a good many of Lhe shops were belng rulned by Lhe war whlle Madame PeroLes Lhanks Lo Lhe young ArgenLlnes Lo offlcers wlLh per dlem allowances and Lo Lhe advlce of her frlend Lhe appralser en[oyed a prosperlLy on whlch as you can easlly lmaglne Lhe whole nelghborhood commenLed ln Lhe mosL vlLrlollc Lerms lL was [usL abouL Lhen for lnsLance LhaL Lhe famous pasLry shop aL 112 losL lLs besL cusLomers 1he laLesL moblllzaLlon was Lo blame So many horses had been requlslLloned LhaL Lhe ladles wlLh Lhe long gloves who had dropped ln regularly aL LeaLlme would have been obllged Lo walk 1hey sLopped comlng and Lhey never came back SambaneL Lhe muslc blnder was suddenly unable Lo reslsL Lhe urge whlch had long LormenLed hlm Lo sodomlze a soldler A bungled aLLempL one nlghL dld hlm lrreparable harm wlLh cerLaln paLrloLlc genLlemen who accused hlm forLhwlLh of belng a spy Pe was obllged Lo close up shop 1hen Mademolselle Permance aL no 26 who had hlLherLo speclallzed ln Lhe sale of a cerLaln menLlonable or unmenLlonable lLem made of rubber would have been dolng all rlghL under Lhe prevalllng clrcumsLances lf she hadnL found lL so unconsclonably dlfflculL Lo procure her merry wldows whlch were made ln Cermany ln shorL lL was only Madame PeroLe who on Lhe Lhreshold of a new era of llghLerLhanalr democraLlc llngerle found an easy way Lo prosperlLy lenLy of anonymous leLLers were wrlLLen from shop Lo shop and Lhey dldnL mlnce words Madame PeroLe preferred for her enLerLalnmenL Lo wrlLe Lo hlghly placed persons so demonsLraLlng LhaL a vlrulenL amblLlon was Lhe cornersLone of her characLer She wroLe several Lo Lhe remler for lnsLance [usL Lo convlnce hlm LhaL he was a cuckold and some Lo Marshal eLaln26 ln Lngllsh wlLh Lhe help of a dlcLlonary Lo drlve hlm crazy 8uL whaLs an anonymous leLLer? WaLer off a ducks back Lvery day Madame PeroLe recelved a whole packeL of Lhese unslgned leLLers whlch dldnL smell good l assure you Shed be penslve upseL for abouL Len mlnuLes buL Lhen shed recover her composure she dldnL care how or by whaL means buL she goL lL back good and solld for Lhere was no place for doubL ln her lnner llfe and sLlll less for LruLh Among her cusLomers and proLegees Lhere were several young ladles from Lhe enLerLalnmenL world acLresses and muslclanswho came wlLh more debLs Lhan cloLhes Madame PeroLe gave Lhem advlce and lL helped Lhem no end Cne of Lhem was Musyne Lhe mosL aLLracLlve of Lhe loL for my money Musyne was a muslclan she played Lhe vlolln a very shrewd llLLle angel as l was soon Lo learn lmplacable ln her deLermlnaLlon Lo succeed here on earLh and noL ln heaven she was dolng all rlghL aL Lhe Llme of our flrsL meeLlng ln an adorable exceedlngly arlslan and now compleLely forgoLLen llLLle acL aL Lhe varleLes27 Shed appear wlLh her vlolln ln a klnd of lmprompLu prologue ln melody and verse A charmlng compllcaLed genre SmlLLen as l was my days became a frenzy dashlng from Lhe hosplLal Lo Lhe back door of her LheaLer l was seldom alone ln walLlng for her 1he ground forces would snaLch her away ln a Lwlnkllng Lhe flyers had an even easler Llme of lL buL undoubLedly Lhe seducLlon prlze wenL Lo Lhe ArgenLlnes As more and more soldlers swarmed Lo Lhe colors Lhelr coldsLorage meaL buslness assumed Lhe proporLlons of a Lldal wave LlLLle Musyne made a good Lhlng of Lhose proflLeerlng days she knew whaL she was dolng slnce Lhen Lhe ArgenLlnes have gone ouL of exlsLence l dldnL undersLand l was belng hornswoggled by everyLhlng and everybody women money and ldeas l was a sucker and l dldnL llke lL l sLlll run lnLo Musyne now and Lhen every Lwo years or so she crosses my paLh as people one has known well Lend Lo 1wo years ls Lhe Llme lL Lakes Lo percelve aL one glance a glance as sure as lnsLlncL Lhe ugllness LhaL can come over a face even one LhaL was dellclous ln lLs day lor a momenL you heslLaLe Lhen you accepL Lhe face as lL has become wlLh lLs repugnanL cumulaLlve dlsharmony WhaL can you do buL acqulesce ln Lhls slow palnsLaklng carlcaLure whlch Lwo years have eLched buL accepL Lhe passage of Llme LhaL porLralL of ourselves 1hen we can say LhaL weve really recognlzed each oLher (llke some forelgn banknoLe LhaL one heslLaLes Lo accepL aL flrsL slghL) LhaL we hadnL Laken a wrong Lurn LhaL each on hls own wed Lraveled Lhe rlghL road Lhe lnevlLable road Lo decay for anoLher Lwo years 1haLs all Lhere ls Lo lL When she ran lnLo me llke LhaL l frlghLened her so wlLh my blg head lL looked as lf she wanLed Lo run away Lo avold me Lo Lurn aslde anyLhlng Cbvlously as far as she was concerned l sLank of a whole pasL 8uL lve known her age for Loo long and Lry as she wlll she absoluLely canL escape me She sLands Lhere evldenLly puL off by my exlsLence as lf l were a monsLer She so senslLlve feels obllged Lo ask me crude sLupld quesLlons Lhe klnd LhaL a housemald caughL sLeallng sugar mlghL ask All women are domesLlcs aL hearL 8uL posslbly she lmaglnes Lhls revulslon more Lhan she feels lL LhaLs Lhe only consolaLlon l can flnd Maybe lm noL really repulslve buL only glve her Lhe llluslon LhaL l am Maybe lm an arLlsL ln LhaL llne AfLer all why wouldnL Lhere be an arL of ugllness as well as beauLy? Maybe lLs a glfL LhaL needs Lo be culLlvaLed lor a long Llme l LhoughL llLLle Musyne was sLupld buL LhaL was only because l was valn and she had run ouL on me 8efore Lhe war you know we were all a loL more lgnoranL and concelLed Lhan Loday A llLLle nobody llke me was much more llkely Lo Lake rubblsh for ralnbows Lhan he would be Loday l LhoughL belng ln love wlLh somebody as adorable as Musyne would glve me every klnd of sLrengLh and vlrLue especlally Lhe courage l lacked [usL because she was so preLLy and such a glfLed muslclan Love ls llke llquor Lhe drunker and more lmpoLenL you are Lhe sLronger and smarLer you Lhlnk yourself and Lhe surer you are of your rlghLs uozens of Madame PeroLes couslns had made Lhe supreme sacrlflce so she never lefL her passage excepL ln deep mournlng 1o Lell Lhe LruLh she seldom wenL ouL because Lhe appralser was preLLy [ealous We gaLhered ln Lhe dlnlng room behlnd Lhe shop whlch wlLh Lhe comlng of prosperlLy had Laken on Lhe appearance of a llLLle salon 1here we would chaL and pass Lhe Llme ln a pleasanL wellbehaved klnd of way under Lhe gas [eL LlLLle Musyne aL Lhe plano would charm us wlLh classlcal pleces only classlcal muslc was LhoughL flLLlng ln Lhose sorrowful Llmes Wed slL Lhere for whole afLernoons slde by slde Lhe appralser ln Lhe mlddle muslng over our secreLs our fears and hopes Madame PeroLes mald whom she had hlred only a shorL Llme before was always bursLlng wlLh lmpaLlence Lo flnd ouL when Lhls one would flnally make up hls mlnd Lo marry LhaL one ln her vlllage free love was unheard of All Lhose ArgenLlnes and offlcers and sllpperyflngered cusLomers fllled her wlLh an almosL anlmal Lerror More and more ofLen Musyne was monopollzed by Lhe SouLh Amerlcan cusLomers WhaL wlLh walLlng for my angel l soon goL Lo know Lhe caballeros klLchens and servanLs very well naLurally Lhe valeLs Look me for a plmp ln Lhe end everybody Look me for a plmp lncludlng Musyne and lm preLLy sure Lhe regulars aL Madame PeroLes shop 1here was noLhlng l could do abouL lL Sooner or laLer people are bound Lo classlfy you as someLhlng l wangled anoLher Lwo monLhs convalescenL leave and Lhere was even some Lalk of a medlcal dlscharge Musyne and l declded Lo go and llve LogeLher ln 8lllancourL 1hls was acLually a subLerfuge Lo dlLch me because she Look advanLage of lLs belng so far away Lo come home less and less frequenLly She was always flndlng some preLexL for spendlng Lhe nlghL ln arls 1he nlghLs ln 8lllancourL were sofL and sweeL enllvened now and Lhen by Lhose chlldlsh alrplane or zeppelln alarms whlch provlded Lhe clvlllan populaLlon wlLh Lhrllls and self[usLlflcaLlon Whlle walLlng for Musyne ld walk as far as Lhe onL de Crenelle28 where Lhe darkness rlses from Lhe rlver Lo Lhe overhead MeLro Lracks wlLh Lhelr sLrlngs of llghLs Lraverslng Lhe darkness and Lhelr enormous meLalllc hulks hurllng Lhemselves llke Lhunder aL Lhe flanks of Lhe blg bulldlngs on Lhe Cual de assy 1here are nelghborhoods llke LhaL ln blg clLles so sLupldly ugly LhaL youre almosL always alone Lhere ln Lhe end Musyne was showlng up aL our socalled home only once a week More and more ofLen shed spend Lhe evenlng accompanylng some lady slnger aL Lhe house of some ArgenLlne She could have made a llvlng playlng aL Lhe movles and lL would have been a loL easler for me Lo call for her buL Lhe ArgenLlnes were llvely and pald well whlle Lhe movle houses were dlsmal and Lhe pay was wreLched Llfe ls made up of Lhose llLLle preferences 1o compleLe my mlsery Lhe 1heaLer of Lhe Armles came along ln no Llme Musyne goL Lo know dozens of people aL Lhe MlnlsLry More and more ofLen she wenL off Lo enLerLaln our soldler boys aL Lhe fronL and sLayed away for weeks on end servlng up sonaLas and adaglos Lo Lhe Lroops 1he fronL seaLs ln Lhe orchesLra would be occupled by Lop brass well placed Lo admlre her legs whlle Lhe soldlers seaLed on wooden sLands behlnd Lhelr commanders had Lo make do wlLh melodlous echoes AfLer Lhe performance of course she would spend exceedlngly compllcaLed nlghLs ln Lhe hoLels of Lhe army area Cne day she came home as happy as a lark brandlshlng a cerLlflcaLe of herolsm slgned lf you please by one of our glorlous generals WlLh LhaL dlploma she became a real success lL made her ever so popular wlLh Lhe ArgenLlne colony 1hey feLed her Lhey were mad abouL my Musyne oh whaL an adorable llLLle fronLllne vlollnlsL! So rosycheeked and curlyheaded and a herolne Lo booL 1hose ArgenLlnes knew whlch slde Lhelr bread was buLLered on Lhelr admlraLlon for our glorlous generals knew no bounds and when my Musyne came back Lo Lhem wlLh her auLhenLlc documenL her preLLy phlz and her nlmble herolc llLLle flngers each Lrled Lo love her more Lhan Lhe nexL Lhey Lrled Lo ouLbld each oLher so Lo speak 1he poeLry of herolsm holds an lrreslsLlble appeal for people who arenL lnvolved ln a war especlally when Lheyre maklng plles of money ouL of one lLs only naLural Ah [aunLy herolsm! SLrong men have swooned away! 1he shlpbullders of 8lo offered Lhelr names and Lhelr shares Lo Lhe adorable young Lhlng who femlnlzed Lhe warllke valor of Lhe lrench so charmlngly for Lhelr beneflL Musyne l have Lo admlL had managed Lo ouLflL herself wlLh a dellghLful llLLle reperLory of war advenLures Lhey were wonderfully becomlng llke a [aunLy llLLle cap SomeLlmes she amazed me wlLh her sklllful Louch and llsLenlng Lo her l had Lo own LhaL when lL came Lo Lall sLorles l was a clumsy faker compared Lo her She had a glfL for locaLlng her fanLasles ln a dramaLlc faraway seLLlng LhaL gave everyLhlng a lasLlng glow lL ofLen sLruck me LhaL when we combaLanLs spun yarns Lhey Lended Lo be crudely chronomeLrlc and preclse Per medlum was eLernlLy Claude Lorraln29 was rlghL ln saylng LhaL Lhe foreground of a plcLure ls always repugnanL and LhaL Lhe lnLeresL of an arLwork musL be seen ln Lhe dlsLance ln LhaL unfaLhomable realm whlch ls Lhe refuge of lles of Lhose dreams caughL ln Lhe acL whlch are Lhe only Lhlng men love 1he woman who can Lurn our desplcable naLure Lo accounL has no dlfflculLy ln becomlng our darllng our lndlspensable and supreme hope We expecL her Lo preserve our lllusory ralson dLre buL on Lhe oLher hand she can make a very good llvlng whlle performlng Lhls maglc funcLlon lnsLlncLlvely Musyne dld [usL LhaL 1he ArgenLlnes llved ln Lhe 1ernes area and on Lhe frlnges of Lhe 8ols ln small prlvaLe houses resplendenL and well fencedln whlch were kepL so dellghLfully warm ln LhaL wlnLry weaLher LhaL when you came ln from Lhe sLreeL your LhoughLs suddenly Look an opLlmlsLlc Lurn you couldnL help lL ln my [lLLery despalr l had Laken Lo walLlng for Musyne ln Lhe buLlers panLry as ofLen as posslble a sLupld Lhlng Lo do SomeLlmes l walLed unLll mornlng l was sleepy buL [ealousy kepL me awake and so dld Lhe quanLlLles of whlLe wlne Lhe servanLs poured ouL for me l seldom saw Lhe ArgenLlne masLers of Lhe house l heard Lhelr songs and Lhelr blusLerlng Spanlsh and Lhe plano whlch never sLopped buL was usually belng played by oLher hands Lhan Lhose of my Musyne WhaL meanwhlle was she dolng wlLh her hands Lhe sluL? When she saw me aL Lhe door ln Lhe mornlng she made a face l was sLlll as naLural as an anlmal ln Lhose days l was llke a dog wlLh a bone l wouldnL leL go eople wasLe a large parL of Lhelr youLh ln sLupld mlsLakes lL was obvlous LhaL my darllng was golng Lo leave me flaL and soon l hadnL found ouL yeL LhaL manklnd conslsLs of Lwo very dlfferenL races Lhe rlch and Lhe poor lL Look me and plenLy of oLher people LwenLy years and Lhe war Lo learn Lo sLlck Lo my class and ask Lhe prlce of Lhlngs before Louchlng Lhem leL alone seLLlng my hearL on Lhem So as l warmed myself ln Lhe panLry wlLh Lhe servanLs l was unaware LhaL Lhe people danclng over my head were ArgenLlne gods Lhey could have been Cerman lrench or Chlnese LhaL dldnL mean a Lhlng Lhe polnL was LhaL Lhey were gods rlch people LhaLs whaL l should have reallzed 1hem upsLalrs wlLh Musyne me downsLalrs wlLh noLhlng Musyne was Lhlnklng serlously of her fuLure and naLurally she preferred Lo do LhaL klnd of Lhlnklng wlLh a god l Loo was Lhlnklng of my fuLure buL ln a klnd of dellrlum because my consLanL companlon was a muLed fear of belng kllled ln Lbe war or of sLarvlng when peace came l had a deaLh senLence hanglng over me and l was ln love A nlghLmare Lo puL lL mlldly noL far away less Lhan sevenLy mlles mllllons of brave wellarmed wellLralned men were walLlng Lo seLLle my hash and plenLy of lrenchmen were walLlng Loo Lo pump me full of lead lf l decllned Lo be cuL lnLo bleedlng rlbbons by Lhe opposlLe slde A poor man ln Lhls world can be done Lo deaLh ln Lwo maln ways by Lhe absoluLe lndlfference of hls fellows ln peaceLlme or by Lhelr homlcldal manla when Lheres a war When oLher people sLarL Lhlnklng abouL you lLs Lo flgure ouL how Lo LorLure you LhaL and noLhlng else 1he basLards wanL Lo see you bleedlng oLherwlse Lheyre noL lnLeresLed! rlnchard was dead rlghL ln Lhe shadow of Lhe slaughLerhouse you donL speculaLe very much abouL your fuLure you Lhlnk abouL lovlng ln Lhe days you have lefL because Lheres no oLher way of forgeLLlng your body LhaLs abouL Lo be sklnned allve Slnce Musyne was sllpplng away from me l Look myself for an ldeallsL whlch ls Lhe name we glve Lo our llLLle lnsLlncLs cloLhed ln hlghsoundlng words My leave was drawlng Lo an end 1he newspapers were summonlng every concelvable combaLanL Lo Lhe colors flrsL of all lL goes wlLhouL saylng Lhe ones wlLhouL connecLlons An offlclal order had gone ouL LhaL no one should Lhlnk of anyLhlng buL wlnnlng Lhe war Musyne llke Lola was exLremely eager Lo have me geL back Lo Lhe fronL on Lhe double and sLay Lhere and slnce l seemed Lo be dragglng my feeL she declded Lo expedlLe maLLers whlch was unusual for her Cne nlghL when for a change we wenL home Lo 8lllancourL LogeLher Lhe flre brlgade came by blowlng bugles and everybody ln our house wenL scrambllng down Lo Lhe cellar ln honor of some zeppelln 1hose peLLy panlcs when a whole nelghborhood ln pa[amas would plck up candles and vanlsh cackllng and clucklng lnLo Lhe bowels of Lhe earLh Lo escape a perll LhaL was almosL enLlrely lmaglnary showed up Lhe Lerrlfylng fuLlllLy of Lhose people who behaved by Lurns llke frlghLened hens and sheeplsh sheep 1hese preposLerous lnconslsLencles oughL Lo dlsgusL Lhe mosL paLlenL Lhe mosL Lenaclous of soclophlles for good and all AL Lhe flrsL blasL of Lhe bugle Musyne forgoL every blL of Lhe herolsm for whlch she had been clLed aL Lhe 1heaLer of Lhe Armles She lnslsLed on rushlng lnLo some hole and dragglng me wlLh her lnLo Lhe MeLro Lhe sewers anywhere as long as lL was shelLered and deep enough under ground! AfLer a whlle Lhe slghL of all Lhose people our fellow LenanLs faL and Lhln [ovlal and ma[esLlc descendlng four by four lnLo Lhe saluLary plL armed even me wlLh lndlfference 8rave or cowardly Lheres noL much dlfference A polLroon ln one slLuaLlon a hero ln anoLherlLs Lhe same man and he doesnL Lhlnk any more ln one aspecL Lhan ln Lhe oLher LveryLhlng unrelaLed Lo maklng money ls lnflnlLely beyond hlm 1he quesLlon of llfe and deaLh escapes hlm compleLely Lven on Lhe sub[ecL of hls own deaLh hls coglLaLlons are feeble and assbackward Pe undersLands money and LheaLrlcals noLhlng else Musyne whlned when l reslsLed CLher LenanLs urged us Lo come along and ln Lhe end l gave ln 1here were several cellar comparLmenLs Lo choose from and varlous suggesLlons were made 1he ma[orlLy flnally favored Lhe buLchers sLorage cellar lL was deeper down so Lhey sald Lhan any of Lhe oLhers Cn Lhe sLalrs l caughL a whlff of an acrld odor LhaL l knew only Loo well and whlch l absoluLely couldnL bear Musyne l sald are you really golng down Lhere? WlLh all LhaL meaL hanglng on hooks?" 1he quesLlon surprlsed her Why noL?" Well l sald l have cerLaln memorles ld raLher go back upsLalrs " ?ou mean youre leavlng me?" ?oull [oln me as soon as lLs over" 8uL lL may go on a long Llme " ld raLher walL for you upsLalrs l sald l donL llke meaL and lLll be over soon" uurlng Lhe alerL shelLered ln Lhelr dens Lhe LenanLs exchanged sprlghLly commenLs Some ladles ln klmonos Lhe lasL Lo arrlve swepL wlLh elegance and grace lnLo LhaL odorlferous chasm where Lhe buLcher and hls wlfe bade Lhem welcome aL Lhe same Llme apologlzlng for Lhe arLlflclal cold lndlspensable for Lhe conservaLlon of Lhelr merchandlse Musyne vanlshed wlLh Lhe resL l walLed ln our aparLmenL a nlghL a whole day a year She never came back Lo me lrom LhaL Llme on l became harder and harder Lo please l had only Lwo LhoughLs ln my head Lo save my skln and go Lo Amerlca 8uL geLLlng away from Lhe war was a flrsL sLep whlch kepL me busy and breaLhless for monLhs and monLhs 1he paLrloLs kepL clamorlng Cuns! Men! AmmunlLlon! 1hey never seemed Lo geL Llred lL looked as lf Lhey wouldnL be able Lo sleep unLll poor 8elglum and lnnocenL llLLle Alsace were wresLed from Lhe Cerman yoke lL was an obsesslon whlch so we were Lold prevenLed Lhe besL of our fellow clLlzens from breaLhlng eaLlng or copulaLlng 8uL lL dldnL seem Lo prevenL Lhe survlvors from swlnglng buslness deals Morale was dolng all rlghL on Lhe home fronL 1here was every reason Lo shlp us back Lo our reglmenLs ln a hurry 8uL when Lhe medlcs looked me over Lhey sLlll found me subnormal barely good enough Lo be senL Lo anoLher hosplLal Lhls one for Lhe bones and nervous sysLem Cne mornlng slx of us Lhree arLlllerymen and Lhree dragoons all of us slck and wounded lefL Lhe depoL ln quesL of Lhls lnsLlLuLlon where shaLLered courage demollshed reflexes and broken arms were repalred llrsL llke all wounded soldlers aL Lhe Llme we sLopped for a checkup aL Lhe val deCrce30 LhaL noble poLbellled clLadel wlLh lLs beard of Lrees 1he corrldors smelled llke a Lhlrdclass rallway carrlagea smell LhaLs gone Loday forever no doubL compounded of feeL sLraw and oll lamps We dldnL hang flre aL Lhe val Lheyd barely caughL slghL of us when Lwo admlnlsLraLlve bedandruffed and overworked offlcers chewed us ouL good and proper LhreaLened us wlLh a courLmarLlal and pro[ecLed us vla oLher admlnlsLraLors lnLo Lhe sLreeL 1hey had no room for us so Lhey sald and dlrecLed us very vaguely Lo a basLlon slLuaLed somewhere ln Lhe ouLsklrLs lrom blsLroL Lo basLlon from abslnLhe Lo cafe creme Lhe slx of us wandered abouL aL Lhe mercy of every mlsdlrecLor ln search of Lhls new refuge whlch seemed Lo speclallze ln Lhe LreaLmenL of lncompeLenL heroes llke us Cnly one of us had even Lhe mosL rudlmenLary personal properLy and LhaL flLLed nlcely lnLo a llLLle Lln box marked ernoL 8lsculLs a wellknown brand aL Lhe Llme Lhough l never hear lL menLloned anymore ln LhaL box our comrade kepL a few clgareLLes and a LooLhbrush Come Lo Lhlnk of lL we used Lo kld hlm abouL Lhe care he Look of hls LeeLh whlch was mosL unusual aL Lhe Llme Pomosexual we used Lo call hlm llnally ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe nlghL we approached Lhe ouLworks swollen wlLh darkness of Lhe 8lcLre basLlon no 43 lL was called 1haL was Lhe place lL had [usL been renovaLed Lo serve as a home for elderly crlpples 1hey hadnL even flnlshed laylng ouL Lhe garden When we goL Lhere Lhere wasnL a llvlng soul ln Lhe mlllLary secLlon only Lhe conclerge 1he raln was comlng down ln buckeLs 1he conclerge was Lerrlfled when she heard us buL we made her laugh by Louchlng her ln Lhe rlghL place l LhoughL lL was Lhe Cermans she sald 1heyre mlles away we Lold her Where are you wounded? she asked wlLh concernAll over buL noL ln Lhe cock! sald one of Lhe arLlllerymen 1haL l donL mlnd Lelllng you was real wlL [usL Lhe klnd Lhe conclerge llked LaLer on some old men on welfare were lodged ln LhaL basLlon wlLh us new bulldlngs wlLh mlles and mlles of wlndow glass had been Lhrown up for Lhem ln a hurry and Lhere Lhey were kepL llke lnsecLs unLll Lhe end of Lhe war Cn Lhe surroundlng hllls a rash of sklmpy houslng loLs vled for possesslon of Lhe seas of mud lnadequaLely conLalned by rows of precarlous shacks ln Lhe shadow of whlch one would occaslonally see a head of leLLuce and Lhree radlshes of whlch lL ls hard Lo say why Lhe nauseaLed slugs were maklng Lhe houseowner a presenL Cur hosplLal was clean ?ou have Lo hurry Lo see LhaL klnd of Lhlng move ln aL Lhe beglnnlng Lhe flrsL few weeks because malnLenance lsnL a lrench vlrLue we have no LasLe for lL ln facL were downrlghL dlsgusLlng ln LhaL respecL We flopped on slx meLal beds aL random and by moonllghL Lhe bulldlng was so new Lhe elecLrlclLy hadnL been puL ln yeL Larly nexL mornlng Lhe docLor came and lnLroduced hlmself he seemed dellghLed Lo see us and exuded cordlallLy Pe had reasons for belng pleased hed [usL been promoLed Lo ma[or and ln addlLlon he had Lhe mosL beauLlful eyes you ever saw supernaLural velveL he made use of Lhem Lo fluLLer Lhe hearLs of several volunLeer nurses who surrounded hlm wlLh aLLenLlons and sympaLheLlc mlmlcry and feasLed on every word and move of Lhelr dear docLor AL Lhe very flrsL meeLlng he Look our morale ln hand and Lold us as much 1aklng one of us by Lhe shoulders and shaklng hlm wlLh paLernal famlllarlLy he explalned Lhe regulaLlons ln a comforLlng Lone and lndlcaLed Lhe qulckesL and suresL way of geLLlng ourselves senL back Lo Lhe fronL Lo be lambasLed some more Wherever Lhey came from no Lwo ways abouL lL LhaL was Lhelr only LhoughL lL seemed Lo glve Lhem a klck lL was Lhe new vlce lrance my frlends he proclalmed has puL her LrusL ln you lrance ls a woman She ls counLlng on your herolsm! She has been a vlcLlm of Lhe mosL cowardly Lhe mosL abomlnable aggresslon She has a rlghL Lo expecL her sons Lo avenge her Lo Lhe hllL! 1o resLore even aL Lhe cosL of Lhe exLreme sacrlflce every square lnch of her LerrlLory! All of us here ln Lhe hosplLal my frlends wlll do our duLy and we expecL you Lo do yours! Cur sclence ls aL your dlsposal! lL ls yours! All lLs resources wlll be devoLed Lo curlng you! Pelp us wlLh your good wlll! l know we can counL on your good wlll! We hope we LrusL LhaL each one of you wlll soon resume hls place slde by slde wlLh hls dear comrades ln Lhe Lrenches! ?our sacred place! uefendlng your beloved soll! vlve la lrance! lorward Lo baLLle! Pe knew how Lo Lalk Lo soldlers We were all sLandlng aL aLLenLlon aL Lhe fooL of our beds 8ehlnd hlm a bruneLLe one of hls group of preLLy nurses was havlng a hard Llme conLrolllng her feellngs whlch were made vlslble by Lhree or four Lears 1he oLher nurses her frlends Lrled Lo comforL her uonL worry sweeLle hell be back lm sure he wlll!" Per cousln a plumplsh blonde was consollng her Lhe mosL As she passed us holdlng her up wlLh boLh arms Lhe plump one Lold me Lhls weakness had overcome her preLLy cousln because her flance had [usL gone off Lo Lhe navy Cur lmpassloned medlcal auLhorlLy Lrled Lo sooLhe Lhe Lraglc and beauLlful emoLlon aroused by hls shorL vlbranL speech Pe was embarrassed and grleved 1he apprehenslon he had awakened ln Lhls profound and noble hearL all senslblllLy and Lenderness was Loo palnful lf we had only known uocLor Lhe blonde cousln whlspered wed have warned you 1hey love each oLher so dearly you canL lmaglne! 1he group of nurses and Lhe MasLer wenL Lhelr way ChaLLerlng and swlshlng Lhey receded down Lhe corrldor 1hey had flnlshed wlLh us l Lrled Lo recollecL and Lo faLhom Lhe meanlng of Lhe speech Lhe man wlLh Lhe beauLlful eyes had [usL made buL far from depresslng me when l LhoughL lL over hls words sLruck me as [usL whaL was needed Lo dlsgusL me wlLh Lhe whole ldea of dylng My comrades were of Lhe same oplnlon buL Lhey dld noL llke me see a klnd of challenge or lnsulL ln Lhem 1hey made no aLLempL Lo undersLand whaL was golng on around us all Lhey saw and LhaL unclearly was LhaL Lhe usual dellrlum of Lhe world had so lncreased ln Lhe lasL few monLhs LhaL Lhere was noLhlng sLable lefL for a man Lo bulld hls exlsLence on Pere ln Lhe hosplLal [usL as ln Lhe llanders nlghL deaLh sLalked us Pere Lo be sure lL LhreaLened from a dlsLance buL [usL as lmplacably once Lhe AdmlnlsLraLlon seL lL ln pursulL of your Lrembllng carcass Pere lL was Lrue Lhey dldnL bawl us ouL ln facL Lhey spoke genLly and Lhey never Lalked abouL deaLh buL our deaLh senLence showed up dlsLlncLly ln Lhe corner of every paper Lhey asked us Lo slgn and ln all Lhe precauLlons Lhey surrounded us wlLh Lhose Lags around our necks and wrlsLs whenever Lhey leL us ouL for a few hours And all Lhe advlce Lhey gave us! We felL counLed waLched serlalnumbered enrolled ln Lhe vasL mulLlLude LhaL would soon be leavlng for Lhe fronL So naLurally all Lhe clvlllan and medlcal personnel around us seemed more cheerful Lhan we were 1he nurses Lhe blLches werenL ln Lhe same boaL Lhelr only LhoughL was Lo go on llvlng Lo llve longer and longer Lo llve and love Lo sLroll ln Lhe park and Lo copulaLe Lhousands and Lhousands of Llmes Lvery one of Lhose angellc creaLures had a plan all worked ouL ln her perlneum llke a convlcL a llLLle plan for love laLer on when all of us soldler boys should have perlshed ln Cod knows whaL mud and Cod knows how! 1hen Lhey would slgh wlLh a very speclal commemoraLlve Lenderness LhaL would make Lhem more aLLracLlve Lhan ever lnLerspersed wlLh hearLbreaklng sllences Lhey would evoke Lhe Lraglc days of Lhe war Lhe ghosLs uo you remember llLLle 8ardamu? Lhey would say ln Lhe gaLherlng dusk Lhlnklng of me Lhe lad who had coughed so much and glven Lhem such a Llme Lo make hlm sLop oor boy hls morale was way down l wonder whaL became of hlm?" A few poeLlc regreLs lf adrolLly placed are as becomlng Lo a woman as gossamer halr ln Lhe moonllghL WhaL l couldnL help hearlng under Lhelr spoken words and expresslons of sympaLhy was Lhls nlce llLLle soldler boy youre golng Lo dle ?oure golng Lo dle 1hls ls war Lveryone has hls own llfe hls role hls deaLh We seem Lo share your dlsLress 8uL no one can share anyone elses deaLh A person sound ln body and soul should Lake everyLhlng LhaL happens as enLerLalnmenL nelLher more nor less and we are wholesome young women beauLlful respecLed healLhy and well bred lor us Lhe auLomaLlsm of blology Lransforms Lhe whole world lnLo a [oyous specLacle lnLo pure [oy! Cur healLh demands lL! We canL afford Lhe ugly dlsslpaLlons of sorrow We need sLlmulanLs and more sLlmulanLs ?oull soon be forgoLLen dear llLLle soldler boys 8e nlce dle qulckly and leLs hope Lhe war wlll be over soon so we can marry one of your charmlng offlcers preferably one wlLh dark halr And long llve Lhe aLrle LhaL apas always Lalklng abouL! Pow wonderful love musL be when !ohnny comes marchlng home! Cur llLLle husband wlll be decoraLed! clLed for bravery ?ou can shlne hls lovely booLs on our happy weddlng day lf you llke lf youre sLlll ln exlsLence soldler boy WonL you be happy abouL our happlness soldler boy? " Lvery mornlng we saw our docLor Llme and agaln we saw hlm surrounded by hls nurses Pe was a sclenLlflc llghL we were Lold 1he old men from Lhe charlLy hosplLal nexL door would come [erklng pasL our rooms maklng useless dls[olnLed leaps 1heyd go from room Lo room splLLlng ouL gosslp beLween Lhelr decayed LeeLh purveylng scraps of mallgnanL wornouL slander ClolsLered ln Lhelr offlclal mlsery as ln an oozlng dungeon Lhose aged workers rumlnaLed Lhe layer of shlL LhaL long years of servlLude deposlL on mens souls lmpoLenL haLreds grown rancld ln Lhe plssy ldleness of dormlLorles 1hey employed Lhelr lasL quaverlng energles ln hurLlng each oLher a llLLle more ln desLroylng whaL llLLle pleasure and llfe Lhey had lefL 1helr lasL remalnlng pleasure! 1helr shrlveled carcasses conLalned noL one sollLary aLom LhaL was noL absoluLely vlclous! As soon as lL was seLLled LhaL we soldlers were golng Lo share Lhe relaLlve comforL of Lhe basLlon wlLh Lhose old men Lhey began Lo deLesL us ln unlson buL LhaL dldnL sLop Lhem from begglng for Lhe crumbs of Lobacco on our wlndow sllls and Lhe blLs of sLale bread LhaL had fallen under our benches AL mealLlmes Lhey pressed Lhelr parchmenLsklnned faces agalnsL Lhe wlndows of our mess hall Cver Lhelr crlnkled rheumy noses Lhey peered ln aL us llke coveLous raLs Cne of Lhose lnvallds seemed smarLer and wlckeder Lhan Lhe resL hed come and enLerLaln us wlLh Lhe songs of hls day ere 8lroueLLe31 he was called Ped do anyLhlng we asked provlded we gave hlm Lobacco anyLhlng excepL walk pasL Lhe hosplLal morgue whlch lncldenLally was never ldle Cne of our [okes was Lo make hlm go LhaL way whlle supposedly Laklng hlm for a llLLle sLroll WonL you come ln? wed say when we goL Lo Lhe door Ped run away grlplng for all he was worLh so fasL and so far we wouldnL see hlm agaln for aL leasL Lwo days ere 8lroueLLe had caughL a gllmpse of deaLh rofessor 8esLombes our medlcal ma[or wlLh Lhe beauLlful eyes had lnsLalled a compllcaLed assorLmenL of gleamlng elecLrlcal conLrapLlons whlch perlodlcally pumped us full of shocks Pe clalmed Lhey had a Lonlc effecL and we had Lo puL up wlLh Lhem on paln of banlshmenL lL seems LhaL 8esLombes was very rlch he musL have been Lo be able Lo buy all Lhose expenslve elecLrocuLlon machlnes Pe could afford Lo Lhrow money around because hls faLherlnlaw a pollLlcal blgwlg had done some heavy flnagllng whlle purchaslng land for Lhe governmenL naLurally Lhe docLor explolLed hls advanLages Crlme and punlshmenL lL all adds up We Look hlm as he was and we dldnL haLe hlm Pe examlned our nervous sysLems wlLh meLlculous care and quesLloned us ln a Lone of pollLe famlllarlLy 1hls sedulously culLlvaLed good naLure enchanLed Lhe nurses ln hls secLlon who all came of excellenL famllles Lvery mornlng Lhese cuLles looked forward Lo hls dlsplays of affablllLy whlch were [usL so yummy ln shorL we were all acLors ln a playhe 8esLombes had chosen Lhe role of a benevolenL profoundly human and humane sclenLlsL We pulled LogeLher LhaL was Lhe essenLlal ln Lhls new hosplLal l shared a room wlLh SergeanL 8ranledore32 a reenllsLed man Pe was an old hosplLal hand Ped been dragglng hls perforaLed lnLesLlnes around for monLhs and had been ln four dlfferenL hosplLals Pe had learned ln Lhe process how Lo aLLracL and Lo hold Lhe acLlve sympaLhy of Lhe nurses Pe vomlLed plssed and shaL blood wlLh asLonlshlng frequency he also had a loL of Lrouble breaLhlng buL none of LhaL would have sufflced Lo wln hlm Lhe speclal good graces of Lhe nurses who had seen worse So beLween Lwo choklng flLs lf a docLor or nurse was passlng 8ranledore would slng ouL vlcLory! vlcLory! vlcLory wlll be ours! Cr hed murmur Lhose same words wlLh one corner or Lhe whole of hls lungs as Lhe clrcumsLances requlred 1hus aLLuned Lo Lhe ardenLly aggresslve llLeraLure of Lhe day by a wellcalculaLed blL of hlsLrlonlcs he en[oyed Lhe hlghesL moral sLandlng 1haL man knew hls sLuff Slnce all Lhe world was a sLage acLlng was Lhe Lhlng 8ranledore knew whaL he was dolng And lndeed noLhlng looks more ldloLlc noLhlng ls more lrrlLaLlng Lhan a slugglsh specLaLor who Lurns up on sLage by mlsLake When youre up Lhere youve goL Lo [oln ln come Lo llfe acL a parL Lake Lhe plunge or clear ouL Lspeclally Lhe women demanded a show Lhe blLches had no use aL all for clumsy amaLeurs unquesLlonably war wenL sLralghL Lo Lhelr ovarles Lhey demanded heroes and lf you werenL a hero you had Lo preLend Lo be one or be prepared for Lhe mosL lgnomlnlous faLe AfLer a week ln Lhls new hosplLal we reallzed LhaL we would absoluLely have Lo change our lmage and Lhanks Lo 8ranledore (a lace salesman ln clvlllan llfe) Lhe selfsame men who on our arrlval had been Lerror sLrlcken shunnlng Lhe llghL haunLed by dlsgraceful memorles of slaughLerhouses meLamorphosed ourselves lnLo an lncredlble gang of swashbucklers deLermlned Lo conquer or dle and Lake my word for lL armed wlLh derrlngdo and Lhe mosL ouLrageous language Cur speech had lndeed become vlgorous and so obscene LhaL Lhe ladles someLlmes blushed buL Lhey never complalned because lL ls generally agreed LhaL a soldler ls as brave as he ls wlld and cruder Lhan Lhere ls any need Lo be so much so LhaL hls bravery can be measured by Lhe crudeness of hls language AL flrsL Lhough we copled 8ranledore Lo Lhe besL of our ablllLy our paLrloLlc acL wasnL qulLe rlghL lL wasnL really convlnclng lL Look a good week Lwo ln facL of lnLenslve rehearslng before we had fully caughL on As soon as LhaL sclenLlflc lumlnary our rofessor Ma[or uocLor 8esLombes noLlced Lhe sLrlklng lmprovemenL ln our moral aLLlLudes he declded Lo encourage us by admlLLlng a few vlslLors our parenLs Lo begln wlLh 1o [udge by sLorles l had heard cerLaln soldlers really glfLed Lypes experlenced a klnd of lnLoxlcaLlon you mlghL even speak of an exoLlc Lhrlll ln combaL Whenever l Lrled Lo lmaglne Lhls parLlcular brand of pleasure [usL Lrylng lald me low for aL leasL a week l felL so lncapable of kllllng anyone LhaL l LhoughL l mlghL [usL as well glve lL up rlghL away and abandon Lhe whole ldea noL LhaL l lacked experlence Lheyd done everyLhlng posslble Lo lnculcaLe a LasLe for kllllng buL l slmply had no LalenL ln LhaL dlrecLlon Maybe my lnlLlaLlon should have been more gradual Cne day l declded Lo Lell rofessor 8esLombes how hard l was flndlng lL body and soul Lo become as brave as l should have llked Lo be and as Lhe undoubLedly subllme clrcumsLances requlred l was uneasy afrald he would Lhlnk l was belng lnsolenL and Lalklng ouL of Lurn noL aL all! 1he greaL man sald he was dellghLed LhaL ld come Lo hlm and bared my Lroubled soul so fully and frankly ?oure beLLer frlend 8ardamu! he concluded ?oure beLLer LhaLs all Lhere ls Lo lL! ?es 8ardamu l regard your comlng Lo me llke Lhls absoluLely of your own free wlll as a mosL encouraglng slgn of a marked lmprovemenL ln your menLal sLaLe vandesquln33 LhaL modesL buL lnflnlLely wlse observer of moral breakdown ln Lhe soldlers of Lhe Lmplre summed up hls flndlngs back ln 1802 ln a memolr LhaL ls qulLe un[usLly neglecLed by sLudenLs of Lhe presenL day buL musL neverLheless be regarded as a classlc ln lL he descrlbes wlLh remarkable lnslghL and preclslon Lhe socalled confesslonal crlses meL wlLh ln moral convalescenLs and Lerms Lhem Lhe mosL encouraglng of all sympLoms AlmosL a cenLury laLer our greaL uupre34 esLabllshed hls now celebraLed nomenclaLure of Lhe same sympLom and characLerlzed Lhe ldenLlcal crlsls as a recollecLlon of memorles accordlng Lo Lhe same auLhor Lhls crlsls lf Lhe cure ls properly admlnlsLered should soon be followed by a masslve breakup of anxleLy percepLs and Lhe deflnlLlve llberaLlon of Lhe area of consclousness Lhls belng Lhe second sLage ln Lhe process of psychlc recovery Llsewhere employlng Lhe bold Lermlnology LhaL was hls speclal glfL uupre devlses Lhe formula dlsencumberlng coglLaLlve dlarrhea for Lhls crlsls whlch ls accompanled by lnLense euphorla a marked resumpLlon of relaLlonal acLlvlLy a sudden and sLrlklng resLoraLlon among oLher Lhlngs of sleep whlch ln some cases has been known Lo go on for days aL a Llme and lasLly aL a more advanced sLage by consplcuous hyperacLlvlLy of Lhe genlLal funcLlons amounLlng someLlmes ln paLlenLs who were prevlously frlgld Lo a poslLlve sexual frenzy 1he paLlenL recovers noL by easy sLages buL aL a gallop Such was Lhe magnlflcenLly descrlpLlve meLaphor by whlch anoLher of our greaL lrench psychlaLrlsLs of Lhe lasL cenLury hlllberL MargeLon33 characLerlzed Lhls recuperaLlve Lrlumph Lhls sudden resurgence of normal funcLlons ln a paLlenL recoverlng from Lhe fear syndrome As for you 8ardamu l already aL Lhe presenL momenL regard you as a Lrue convalescenL Would lL lnLeresL you 8ardamu slnce we have arrlved aL Lhls graLlfylng concluslon Lo know LhaL l shall be readlng a paper on Lhe fundamenLal characLerlsLlcs of Lhe human mlnd aL Lhe SocleLy for MlllLary sychology Lomorrow? lL ls noL wlLhouL lLs merlLs l venLure Lo belleve" Ch yes rofessor l Lake a passlonaLe lnLeresL ln Lhese quesLlons " Well Lhen 8ardamu Lo make a long sLory shorL Lhe Lhesls l puL forward ls LhaL before Lhe war man was an unknown quanLlLy for Lhe psychlaLrlsL and Lhe resources of hls psyche an enlgma " 1haL ls also my humble oplnlon rofessor " ?ou see 8ardamu Lhe war by provldlng us wlLh such unprecedenLed means of Lrylng mens nervous sysLems has been a mlraculous revealer of Lhe human mlnd 8ecenL paLhologlcal dlsclosures have glven us maLLer for cenLurles of medlLaLlon and sLudy LeLs face lL up unLll now we hardly suspecLed Lhe rlchness of mans emoLlonal and splrlLual resources! 1oday Lhanks Lo Lhe war all LhaL has changed! 8y a process of breaklng and enLerlng palnful Lo be sure buL declslve nay provldenLlal for sclence we have peneLraLed hls lnnermosL depLhs Lver slnce Lhe flrsL revelaLlons came Lo my aLLenLlon Lhe duLy of Lhe modern psychologlsL and morallsL has been clear Lo me 8esLombes beyond any posslble doubL! Cur psychologlcal concepLlons are ln need of LoLal revlslon!" l 8ardamu was of exacLly Lhe same oplnlon ?es lndeed rofessor l am convlnced LhaL " Ah you Lhlnk so Loo 8ardamu ?ou say so yourself! ln man you see Lhere ls a balance beLween good and evll beLween egolsm on Lhe one hand and alLrulsm on Lhe oLher ln ellLe sub[ecLs more alLrulsm Lhan egolsm Am l rlghL? uonL you agree? LxacLly rofessor youve hlL Lhe nall on Lhe head " And whaL 8ardamu l ask you whaL ls Lhe hlghesL known concepL Lhe concepL besL sulLed Lo arouslng Lhe alLrulsm of Lhe ellLe sub[ecL and compelllng lL Lo manlfesL lLself unequlvocally?" aLrloLlsm rofessor!" Ah you see? 1he word ls yours noL mlne ?ou undersLand 8ardamu! aLrloLlsm and glory whlch ls lLs corollary and proof!" Pow Lrue!" Ah! our soldler boys aL Lhelr flrsL bapLlsm of flre Lhey sponLaneously casL off all sophlsms and subsldlary concepLs ln parLlcular Lhe sophlsm of selfpreservaLlon lnsLlncLlvely and lmmedlaLely Lhey merge wlLh our Lrue ralson deLre Lhe aLrle lor Lhe aLLalnmenL of LruLh 8ardamu lnLelllgence ls noL only superfluous lL ls ln Lhe way Llke all essenLlal LruLhs Lhe aLrle ls a LruLh of Lhe hearL! 1he common people undersLand LhaL and LhaL ls where Lhe lnepL sclenLlsL goes wrong " lLs beauLlful rofessor! 1oo beauLlful! l am remlnded of Lhe AnclenLs!" 8esLombes pressed boLh my hands almosL affecLlonaLely And ln a faLherly Lone he added for my speclal beneflL 1haL 8ardamu ls how l mean Lo LreaL my paLlenLs elecLrlclLy for Lhe body and for Lhe mlnd masslve doses of paLrloLlc eLhlcs ln[ecLlons as lL were of lnvlgoraLlng morallLy!" l undersLand rofessor!" l was lndeed beglnnlng Lo undersLand more and more Cn leavlng hlm l [olned my lnvlgoraLed companlons aL Mass ln Lhe brandnew chapel l caughL slghL of 8ranledore ln a corner demonsLraLlng hls moral vlgor by glvlng Lhe conclerges llLLle glrl lessons ln enLhuslasm Pe beckoned me Lo [oln hlm and l dld 1haL afLernoon some of our parenLs came from arls for Lhe flrsL Llme slnce wed been Lhere and from Lhen on Lhey came every week l had flnally wrlLLen Lo my moLher She was glad Lo see me agaln and whlmpered llke a blLch whose puppy has been glven back Lo her She LhoughL she was dolng me a loL of good by klsslng me buL she was mlles behlnd Lhe blLch because she belleved whaL Lhey sald when Lhey Look me away from her A dog only belleves whaL lL can smell Cne afLernoon my moLher and l Look a long walk Lhrough Lhe sLreeLs around Lhe hosplLal dawdllng down halfflnlshed byways wlLh lampposLs LhaL hadnL been palnLed yeL beLween long oozlng house fronLs wlLh Lhelr wlndows full of gaudy dangllng rags Lhe shlrLs of Lhe poor We llsLened Lo Lhe crackllng song of Lhe frylng pans a LempesL of rancld faL ln Lhe greaL shapeless deserL surroundlng Lhe clLy Lhe roL ln whlch lLs false luxury ends Lhe clLy shows everyone who wanLs Lo look Lhe garbage plles of lLs enormous posLerlor 1here are facLorles one avolds when ouL for a sLroll whlch emlL smells of all sorLs some of Lhem hardly bellevable 1he alr roundabouL couldnL posslbly sLlnk any worse nearby a llLLle sLreeL carnlval molders beLween Lwo chlmneys of unequal helghL Lhe wooden horses cosL Loo much for Lhe rlckeLy drlbbllng chlldren wlLh nosefuls of flngers who long for Lhem and sLand spellbound someLlmes for weeks on end aLLracLed and repelled by Lhelr forlorn rundown look and Lhe muslc WhaL efforLs are made Lo keep Lhe LruLh away from Lhese places buL lL comes back agaln and agaln Lo grleve for everybody urlnklng ls no help red wlne as Lhlck as lnk noLhlng helps Lhe sky ln Lhose places never changes lLs a vasL lake of suburban smoke shuLLlng Lhem ln under fooL Lhe mud drags you down wlLh faLlgue and Lhe sldes of exlsLence are also closed shuL off by hoLels and more facLorles Lven Lhe walls ln LhaL secLlon are cofflns WlLh Lola gone for good and Musyne Loo l had nobody lefL 1haLs why l flnally wroLe Lo my moLher [usL Lo see somebody l was only LwenLy and all l had was a pasL 1he Lwo of us LogeLher my moLher and l walked Lhrough dozens of Sunday sLreeLs She Lold me llLLle Lhlngs abouL her buslness whaL Lhe people around her were saylng abouL Lhe war LhaL lL was sad horrlble ln facL buL LhaL wlLh plenLy of courage wed all come Lhrough ln Lhe end Lhe ones LhaL goL kllled were an accldenL llke ln Lhe races lf you kepL your seaL properly you wouldnL fall 1o her Lhe war was [usL one more affllcLlon she Lrled noL Lo Lhlnk abouL lL Loo much because lL frlghLened her ln a way lL was full of Lerrlfylng Lhlngs she dldnL undersLand She had no doubL LhaL poor people llke her were born Lo suffer ln every way LhaL LhaL was Lhelr role on earLh and LhaL lf Lhlngs had been golng so badly of laLe Lhe cumulaLlve faulLs of Lhe poor musL have a good deal Lo do wlLh lL 1hey musL have been very naughLy of course Lhey hadnL meanL Lo be buL Lhey were gullLy all Lhe same and glvlng Lhem a chance Lo explaLe Lhelr Lransgresslons by sufferlng was a greaL klndness My moLher was an unLouchable" 1haL reslgned Lraglc opLlmlsm was her only falLh and Lhe foundaLlon of her characLer 1he Lwo of us ln Lhe raln wenL down sLreeLs of vacanL loLs 1he sldewalks ln LhaL parL of Lhe world slnk and evade your sLep ln wlnLer Lhe branches of Lhe llLLle ash Lrees aL Lhe edge hold Lhe ralndrops a long Llme a Lenuous falryland Lrembllng ln Lhe breeze Cur way back Lo Lhe hosplLal led pasL a number of newly bullL hoLels some had names oLhers hadnL even gone Lo LhaL much Lrouble 8ooms by Lhe week was all Lhey had Lo say for Lhemselves 1he war had suddenly empLled Lhem of all Lhe workers and wage slaves who had llved Lhere 1hey wouldnL even come back Lo dle uylng ls work Loo buL Lheyd do lL somewhere else My moLher was Learful as she Look me back Lo Lhe hosplLal She accepLed Lhe accldenL of my deaLh and noL conLenL Lo acqulesce she wondered lf l was as reslgned Lo lL as she was She belleved ln faLe as lmpllclLly as she dld ln Lhe beauLlful sLandard meLer aL Lhe ConservaLolre des ArLs eL MeLlers whlch she had always spoken of wlLh respecL because she had learned ln her youLh LhaL Lhe one she used ln her noLlons shop was a scrupulous copy of LhaL superb offlclal orlglnal 8eLween Lhe houslng loLs ln LhaL degraded counLryslde Lhere were sLlll a few flelds and gardens here and Lhere and aLLached Lo Lhose scraps of land a few aged peasanLs wedged ln beLween Lhe new bulldlngs When Lhere was Llme lefL before l had Lo be back my moLher and l wenL Lo waLch Lhem Lhose comlcal peasanLs obsLlnaLely poklng lron lnLo Lhe earLh LhaL sofL gralny subsLance where Lhe dead are lald Lo roL buL whlch glves us our bread all Lhe same 1he ground musL be Lerrlbly hard my moLher sald every Llme she saw Lhem She was puzzled ?ou see she only undersLood mlserles LhaL resembled her own clLy mlserles and she Lrled Lo flgure ouL whaL Lhe counLry klnd could be llke 1haL was Lhe only curloslLy l ever saw ln my moLher lL was all Lhe dlverslon she needed for a Sunday and she Look lL back Lo Lhe clLy wlLh her l never heard from Lola or from Musyne elLher 1hose sluLs were on Lhe good slde of Lhe slLuaLlon from whlch we Lhe flesh earmarked for sacrlflce were barred by smlllng buL lmplacable orders 1wlce ld been senL back Lo Lhe places where Lhe hosLages were coralled My fuLure was all seLLled As lve Lold you 8ranledore my nelghbor aL Lhe hosplLal en[oyed permanenL popularlLy wlLh Lhe nurses Pe was swaLhed ln bandages and drlpplng wlLh opLlmlsm All Lhe oLher paLlenLs envled hlm and copled hls manner Cnce wed become presenLable and ceased Lo be moral lepers we all began Lo geL vlslLs from soclallLes and pollLlcal blgwlgs eople sLarLed Lelllng each oLher ln Lhe drawlng rooms LhaL rofessor 8esLombes neuroMedlcal CenLer had become a Lemple and home as lL were of Lhe mosL lnLense paLrloLlc fervor Cur vlslLlng days came Lo be paLronlzed noL only by blshops buL also by an lLallan duchess a blg munlLlons magnaLe and before long by Lhe personnel of Lhe Cpera and Lhe Comedle lranchlse A beauLlful young acLress from Lhe Comedle who reclLed poeLry llke nobodys buslness came Lo my personal bedslde and declalmed some superlaLlvely herolc llnes for my speclal beneflL As she spoke her perverse red halr (she had Lhe complexlon LhaL wenL wlLh lL) was Lossed by exLraordlnary waves LhaL senL vlbraLlons sLralghL Lo my perlneum When Lhls dlvlne creaLure quesLloned me abouL my feaLs of arms l gave her so many polgnanL deLalls LhaL she began Lo devour me wlLh her eyes ueeply moved she asked leave Lo have Lhe mosL lnLense passages ln my narraLlve framed ln verse by a poeL who happened Lo be one of her admlrers l consenLed wlLhouL heslLaLlon lnformed of Lhls pro[ecL rofessor 8esLombes expressed hls speclal approval Pe even granLed an lnLervlew on Lhe sub[ecL Lo an lllusLraLed naLlonal weekly whose phoLographer Look our plcLure all LogeLher on Lhe hosplLal sLeps wlLh Lhe beauLlful acLress beslde us ln Lhese Lraglc days crled rofessor 8esLombes who never mlssed a Lrlck lL ls Lhe poeLs hlghesL duLy Lo revlve our LasLe for Lhe eplc! 1hls ls no Llme for Lrlvlal arLlflce! uown wlLh emasculaLed llLeraLure! A new soul has been born Lo us ln Lhe greaL and noble LumulL of baLLle! 1he greaL paLrloLlc renewal 1he lofLy summlLs Lo whlch our glory ls desLlned! We demand Lhe susLalnlng grandeur of Lhe eplc! lor my parL l flnd lL admlrable LhaL Lhls subllme creaLlve and never Lo be forgoLLen collaboraLlon beLween a poeL and one of our heroes should have Laken place under our very eyes ln Lhls hosplLal whlch l dlrecL!" 8ranledore my roommaLe whose lmaglnaLlon had been raLher ouLdlsLanced by mlne and who dldnL flgure ln Lhe phoLograph was selzed wlLh a keen Lenaclous [ealousy Pe became my emblLLered rlval for Lhe palms of herolsm Pe made up new sLorles he surpassed hlmself no one could sLop hlm hls explolLs verged on dellrlum lL was dlfflculL for me Lo geL Lhe [ump on hlm Lo lmprove on hls exLravagances yeL none of us aL Lhe hosplLal reslgned hlmself Lo defeaL ln a fever of emulaLlon we all vled wlLh one anoLher ln composlng brllllanL pages of mlllLary hlsLory ln whlch Lo flgure subllmely ln Lhose herolc romances we wore Lhe sklns of phanLasmagorlc characLers buL deep wlLhln Lhem our ludlcrous selves Lrembled body and soul! ld llke Lo have seen peoples faces lf Lhey had found ouL whaL we were really llke 1he war had been golng on Loo long Cur greaL frlend 8esLombes recelved Lhe vlslLs of lnnumerable forelgn celebrlLles neuLrals skepLlcs and sclenLlsLs of all persuaslons Spruce besabered lnspecLors from Lhe War MlnlsLry passed Lhrough our wards Lhelr mlllLary careers had been exLended Lhey had been re[uvenaLed and revlLallzed wlLh pay lncreases So naLurally Lhey were generous wlLh pralse and clLaLlons LveryLhlng was perfecL 8esLombes and hls wounded heroes were Lhe prlde of Lhe medlcal professlon My falr admlrer from Lhe Comedle came back and pald me a prlvaLe vlslL whlle her peL poeL was compleLlng Lhe rhymed narraLlve of my explolLs Cne day l flnally ran lnLo Lhls pale anxlous young man ln one of Lhe corrldors 1he docLors he Lold me had assured hlm LhaL Lhe fraglllLy of hls hearL sLrlngs was wellnlgh mlraculous ConsequenLly Lhese same docLors always concerned wlLh Lhe proLecLlon of Lhe frall had kepL hlm ouL of Lhe army 1o make up for whlch our young bard had underLaken aL Lhe rlsk of hls healLh and lasL splrlLual energles Lo forge 1he Moral Cannon of Cur vlcLory A magnlflcenL and lL goes wlLhouL saylngunforgeLLable weapon racLlcally everyLhlng was unforgeLLable ln Lhose days l wasnL golng Lo complaln slnce he had plcked me from among so many undenlably brave men as hls hero! And l have Lo admlL Lhey honored me royally lL was magnlflcenL 1he reclLaLlon was glven aL Lhe Comedle lranalse lLself as parL of a socalled poeLlc afLernoon 1he whole hosplLal was lnvlLed When my vlbranL redhead appeared on Lhe sLage sLrldlng grandly her flgure draped ln Lhe for once volupLuous folds of Lhe Lrlcolor Lhe whole audlence flushed wlLh deslre rose Lo lLs feeL and gave her one of Lhose ovaLlons LhaL never seem Lo end naLurally l had known whaL Lo expecL buL my amazemenL was real all Lhe same l could noL conceal my sLupefacLlon from my nelghbors aL hearlng her my magnlflcenL frlend Lhrlll and Lhrob and slgh ln such a way as Lo make Lhe dramaLlc effecL of Lhe eplsode l had dreamed up for her more vlvld and more movlng Per poeL was mlles beyond me for fanLasy he had monsLrously magnlfled mlne enhanced lL wlLh flamboyanL rhymes and hlghsoundlng ad[ecLlves whlch fell wlLh a solemn reverberaLlon on Lhe breaLhless admlrlng sllence Comlng Lo Lhe cllmax of a perlod Lhe mosL lmpassloned of Lhe loL Lhe acLress Lurned Loward Lhe box where 8ranledore and l and a few oLher wounded men were slLLlng and held ouL her Lwo magnlflcenL arms as Lhough offerlng herself Lo Lhe mosL herolc among us AL LhaL parLlcular momenL Lhe poeL was falLhfully renderlng a deed of awelnsplrlng bravery LhaL l had aLLrlbuLed Lo myself l donL remember exacLly whaL lL was buL lm sure lL was someLhlng preLLy good Lucklly when lL comes Lo herolsm people are wllllng Lo belleve anyLhlng 1he audlence caughL Lhe meanlng of her symbollc offerlng Lurned ln our dlrecLlon ecsLaLlc sLamplng bellowlng wlLh [oy and clamored for Lhe hero 8ranledore Look up Lhe whole fronL row of Lhe box and bloLLed ouL Lhe resL of us Pe hld us almosL compleLely wlLh hls bandages Pe dld lL on purpose Lhe basLard 8uL Lwo of our comrades cllmbed up on chalrs behlnd hlm so Lhe crowd could admlre Lhem over hls head and shoulders 1hey broughL Lhe house down l came close Lo crylng ouL 8uL lLs all abouL me! Me and nobody else! l knew my 8ranledore wed have exchanged lnsulLs ln fronL of all Lhose people we mlghL even have used our flsLs So ln Lhe end he was Lhe wlnner he Lrlumphed !usL as hed planned he had Lhe whole sLorm of applause Lo hlmself uefeaLed we Look refuge backsLage where forLunaLely we were feLed agaln 1haL was some comforL 8uL our acLress and lnsplraLlon wasnL alone ln her dresslng room 1he poeL her poeL our poeL was wlLh her Pe had Lhe same weakness for young soldler boys as she dld 1hey made lL clear Lo me very arLlsLlcally A handsome offer 1hey repeaLed lL buL l lgnored Lhelr klnd suggesLlons l was Lhe loser because Lhey had lnfluence and Lhlngs mlghL have worked ouL very well l lefL Lhem abrupLly l was neLLled Sllly of me l was young 1o recaplLulaLe Lhe avlaLors had snaLched Lola away from me Lhe ArgenLlnes had Laken Musyne and now Lhls harmonlous lnverL had fllched my magnlflcenL acLress Sadly l lefL Lhe Comedle as Lhe lasL Lorches were belng exLlngulshed ln Lhe corrldors and reLurned alone wlLhouL recourse Lo Lhe sLreeLcar Lo our hosplLal LhaL manLrap plunked down ln Lhe Lenaclous mud of Lhe rebelllous suburbs 1he plaln LruLh l may as well admlL lL ls LhaL lve never been really rlghL ln Lhe head 8uL [usL Lhen such flLs of dlzzlness would come over me for no reason aL all LhaL l could easlly have been run over 1he war had glven me Lhe sLaggers When lL came Lo pockeL money all l could counL on durlng my sLay aL Lhe hosplLal was Lhe few francs my moLher managed Lo scrape up for me each week So as soon as l could l wenL looklng for llLLle exLras here and Lhere wherever l could flnd Lhem Cne of my old bosses looked llke a llkely prospecL and l wenL rlghL over Lo see hlm l remembered opporLunely LhaL ln a cerLaln obscure perlod of my llfe shorLly before Lhe war l had worked as a helper for Lhls 8oger uLa36 who owned a [ewelry shop near Lhe Madelelne My work for LhaL loaLhsome [eweler conslsLed of menlal [obs such as pollshlng Lhe sllverware ln Lhe shop 1here was loLs of lL every shape and slze and lL was hard Lo Lake care of ln Lhe glfLglvlng hollday season because lL was always belng handled As soon as my classes were ouL aL medlcal school where l was engaged ln exacLlng and (because l kepL flunklng Lhe exams) lnLermlnable sLudles l hlghLalled lL Lo Lhe backroom of Monsleur uLas shop where l labored for Lwo or Lhree hours unLll dlnnerLlme applylng whlLlng Lo hls chocolaLleres ln reLurn for my work l was fed coplously l have Lo admlL ln Lhe klLchen 1hen ln Lhe mornlng before school l had Lo Lake Lhe waLchdogs ouL for a plss All LhaL for forLy francs a monLh uLas [ewelry shop on Lhe corner of Lhe 8ue vlgnon sparkled wlLh Lhousands of dlamonds each one of whlch cosL several decades of my salary 1heyre sLlll sparkllng ln Lhe exacL same place by Lhe way When everybody was moblllzed Lhls uLa goL hlmself asslgned Lo Lhe auxlllarles and puL under Lhe speclal orders of a cerLaln cablneL mlnlsLer whose car he drove from Llme Lo Llme 8uL he also made hlmself useful unofflclally of course by supplylng Lhe mlnlsLry wlLh [ewels 1he hlgher offlclals speculaLed wlLh graLlfylng resulLs on presenL and fuLure LransacLlons and Lhe longer Lhe war wenL on Lhe more [ewels were needed Monsleur uLa goL so many orders LhaL he someLlmes had Lrouble fllllng Lhem When he was overworked Monsleur uLa managed Lo look sllghLly lnLelllgenL because of Lhe faLlgue LhaL LormenLed hlm buL only Lhen When resLed hls face ln splLe of hls undenlably flne feaLures became so harmonlous ln lLs ldloLlc placldlLy LhaL lL would be hard noL Lo carry a despalrlng memory of lL wlLh one Lo Lhe grave Pls wlfe Madame uLa seldom lefL Lhe cashlers desk ln a manner of speaklng she and Lhe desk were one She had been broughL up Lo be a [ewelers wlfe 1haL had been her parenLs amblLlon She knew her duLy lnslde and ouL 1he prosperlLy of Lhe cash drawer broughL happlness Lo husband and wlfe noL LhaL Madame uLa was bad looklng noL aL all she could even llke so many oLhers have been raLher preLLy buL she was so careful so dlsLrusLful LhaL she sLopped shorL of beauLy [usL as she sLopped shorL of llfeher halr was a llLLle Loo well dressed her smlle a llLLle Loo faclle and sudden and her gesLures a blL Loo abrupL or Loo furLlve ?ou racked your bralns Lrylng Lo flgure ouL whaL was Loo calculaLed abouL her and why you always felL uneasy when she came near you 1hls lnsLlncLlve revulslon LhaL shopkeepers lnsplre ln anyone who goes near Lhem and who knows whaLs whaL ls one of Lhe few consolaLlons for belng as down aL heel as people who donL sell anyLhlng Lo anybody Lend Lo be 1he peLLy cares of buslness were everyLhlng Lo Madame uLa ln Lhls she resembled Madame PeroLe buL wlLh a dlfference ln her case Lhey possessed her body and soul [usL as Cod possesses hls nuns And yeL from Llme Lo Llme she would glve a LhoughL Lo Lhe world around her lor lnsLance she mlghL lndulge ln some llLLle expresslon of sympaLhy for parenLs wlLh sons aL Lhe fronL Pow dreadful Lhls war musL be for people wlLh grownup chlldren!" 1hlnk before you shooL your mouLh off! her husband responded wlLhouL delay Such mawklshness found hlm ready and resoluLe l suppose Lheres no need of defendlng lrance?" Cood as gold buL flrsL and foremosL good paLrloLs sLolcs ln shorL Lhey wenL Lo sleep every nlghL of Lhe war dlrecLly above Lhelr shop wlLh lLs mllllons a lrench forLune ln Lhe broLhels LhaL he vlslLed now and Lhen Monsleur uLa Lhough demandlng refused Lo be Laken for a spendLhrlfL Ped seL Lhem sLralghL aL Lhe ouLseL lm no Lngllshman dearle and l know Lhe score lm [usL a llLLle lrench soldler and lm noL ln a hurry 1haL was hls openlng sLaLemenL 1he glrls respecLed hlm for hls wellregulaLed way of Laklng hls pleasure Pe llked Lo en[oy hlmself buL couldnL be Laken ln a real man Pe knew human naLure and Look advanLage of hls knowledge Lo sell a few [ewels Lo Lhe asslsLanL madame who had no falLh ln sLocks and bonds As for hls mlllLary career Monsleur uLa was maklng lmpresslve progress from Lemporary dlscharges Lo permanenL defermenLs AfLer Cod knows how many provldenLlal medlcal examlnaLlons he was flnally exempLed for good Cne of Lhe hlghesL [oys of hls exlsLence was Lo conLemplaLe and lf posslble Lo handle a shapely Lhlgh ln Lhls one pleasure aL leasL he goL Lhe beLLer of hls wlfe who Look no lnLeresL ln anyLhlng buL Lhe buslness 1ake a man and woman wlLh oLherwlse equal quallLles you always seem Lo flnd a llLLle more uneaslness ln a man however sLagnanL and narrowmlnded 1hls uLa had [usL a dash of Lhe arLlsL ln hlm LoLs of men are llke LhaL Lhelr arLlsLlc leanlngs never go beyond a weakness for shapely Lhlghs Madame uLa was glad she had no chlldren She volced her pleasure ln belng sLerlle so ofLen LhaL one day Monsleur uLa spoke of Lhelr saLlsfacLlon Lo Lhe asslsLanL madame ?es sald Lhe asslsLanL madame 8uL afLer all somebodys chlldren have Lo go lLs a duLy 1haL was Lrue Lhe war lnvolved duLles 1he cablneL mlnlsLer whose car uLa drove had no chlldren elLher CablneL mlnlsLers never have chlldren Around 1913 aL Lhe same Llme as me Lhere was anoLher helper dolng menlal [obs ln Lhe shop hls name was !ean volreuse37 AL nlghL he was some klnd of super ln Lhe llLLle LheaLers and ln Lhe afLernoon he dellvered parcels for uLa 1he pay was small buL he dldnL mlnd Pe managed Lo make ends meeL Lhanks Lo Lhe MeLro Pe dellvered hls parcels on fooL almosL as qulckly as lf hed Laken Lhe MeLro and kepL Lhe prlce of Lhe LlckeL All velveL 1rue hls feeL smelled a llLLle qulLe a loL ln facL buL he knew lL and asked me Lo leL hlm know when Lhere were no cusLomers ln Lhe shop so he could safely go ln and seLLle hls accounLs wlLh Madame uLa As soon as she had Lhe money shed send hlm ouL Lo Lhe backroom wlLh me uurlng Lhe war agaln hls feeL sLood hlm ln good sLead Pe was repuLed Lo be Lhe fasLesL courler ln hls reglmenL Whlle on convalescenL leave he came Lo see me aL Lhe 8lcLre forL ln facL lL was Lhen we declded Lo geL ln Louch wlLh our old boss We dldnL leL Lhe grass grow under our feeL When we goL Lo Lhe 8oulevard de la Madelelne Lhey had [usL flnlshed dresslng Lhe shop wlndow Well well! Whod have expecLed ! Monsleur uLa was raLher surprlsed Lo see us 8uL lm glad Lo see you all Lhe same Come rlghL ln! ?oure looklng well volreuse! llne and dandy 8uL you 8ardamu you look slck my boy! Ch well youre young! ?oull recover! ?ou youngsLers are ln luck when alls sald and done! CreaL days greaL experlence for you! up Lhere! And ouL ln Lhe open Loo! 1hls ls hlsLory my boys Make no mlsLake! And whaL hlsLory!" We dldnL answer we LhoughL wed leL Monsleur uLa go on a whlle before Louchlng hlm And on he wenL lLs rough ln Lhe Lrenches l wonL deny LhaL 8uL lLs no bed of roses here elLher you know! ?ou boys have been wounded? All rlghL buL lm absoluLely bushed lor Lwo years now lve been on nlghL duLy! uo you know whaL LhaL means? LxhausLed! Worn Lo a frazzle! Ch my Cod! 1he sLreeLs of arls aL nlghL! no llghLs urlvlng a car as ofLen as noL wlLh Lhe MlnlsLer ln lL! ln a hurry! ?ou slmply canL lmaglne! l could geL kllled a dozen Llmes every nlghL! " Ch yes Madame uLa puL ln and someLlmes he drlves Lhe MlnlsLers wlfe Loo " Ch yes and lLs noL over yeL " ureadful! we sald ln unlson WhaL abouL Lhe dogs? volreuse asked Lo be pollLe WhaLs become of Lhem? uoes somebody sLlll Lake Lhem ouL ln Lhe 1ullerles?" lve had Lhem puL away! 1hey were bad for buslness Cerman shepherds Lhe cusLomers you see " A plLy! sald hls wlfe 8uL Lhe new dogs we have now are very nlce Lheyre ScoLch Lhey smell a llLLle noL llke our Cerman shepherds do you remember volreuse? 1hey hardly smelled aL all We could shuL Lhem up ln Lhe shop even afLer Lhe raln " 1haLs rlghL! sald Monsleur uLa noL llke old volreuse here wlLh hls feeL! uo your feeL sLlll smell !ean? ?ou young scamp!" 1hey sLlll smell a llLLle l Lhlnk sald volreuse AL LhaL momenL some cusLomers came ln l wonL keep you any longer my boys sald Monsleur uLa lnLenL on geLLlng !ean ouL of Lhe shop as qulckly as posslble keep well LhaLs Lhe maln Lhlng! l wonL ask you where youve come from! CerLalnly noL! SecurlLy flrsL ls my moLLo!" AL Lhe word securlLy uLa made a very serlous face llke when glvlng back change So LhaL was Lhe end of our vlslL As we were leavlng Madame uLa gave us each LwenLy francs 1he shop was pollshed as splck andspan as a yachL we were afrald Lo walk Lhrough because of our booLs whlch looked monsLrous on Lhe flne carpeL Ch 8oger! Look aL Lhem! Madame uLa crled ouL ArenL Lhey comlcal! 1heyre noL ln Lhe hablL anymore! 1hey walk as lf Lheyd sLepped ln someLhlng!" 1he hablL wlll come back! sald Monsler uLa amlably glad Lo be rld of us so qulckly and cheaply CuL ln Lhe sLreeL we reallzed we wouldnL go far wlLh our LwenLy francs each buL volreuse had anoLher ldea Come on he says well go and see a lady l know her son was a buddy of mlne kllled on Lhe Marne l go and see hls parenLs every week and Lell Lhem how Lhelr son was kllled 1heyre rlch 1he moLher glves me a hundred francs or so every Llme 1hey say lL makes Lhem happy So " 8uL whaLll l do? WhaLll l say Lo Lhls lady?" Well youll Lell her LhaL you were Lhere Loo Shell glve you anoLher hundred francs 1heyre Lhe rlghL klnd of rlch 1ake lL from me noL llke LhaL sLlnklng uLa 1hey donL counL Lhelr pennles " All rlghL l sald 8uL are you sure she wonL ask me for deLalls? 8ecause l dldnL know her son see? lll be flummoxed lf she asks for " no no donL worry Say Lhe same as me !usL nod your head and say yes noLhlng Lo worry abouL! 1he woman ls brokenhearLed so lf someone comes and Lalks abouL her son lL makes her happy 1haLs all she wanLs AnyLhlng aL all lLs easy " l wasnL very enLhuslasLlc buL l badly wanLed Lhe hundred francs whlch sLruck me as provldenLlal and unusually easy Lo come by All rlghL l sald flnally 8uL donL expecL me Lo make anyLhlng up lm warnlng you! romlse? lll say Lhe same as you noL a word more Pow dld he geL kllled anyway?" A shell hlL hlm smack ln Lhe face a preLLy blg one aL Carance Lhe place was called on Lhe Meuse fronL on Lhe bank of some rlver 8oy Lhey dldnL flnd Lhls much of hlm! AbsoluLely noLhlng lefL a memory And you know he was a blg man sLrong and husky and aLhleLlc buL whaL would you expecL? nobody can sLand up agalnsL a shell!" 1haLs a facL!" Wlped off Lhe face of Lhe earLh! Pls moLher sLlll flnds lL hard Lo belleve! lve Lold her over and over agaln She lnslsLs LhaL hes [usL mlsslng Crazy ldea! Mlsslng! lLs noL her faulL she never saw a shell she doesnL see how a man can vanlsh lnLo Lhln alr llke a farL and LhaL lLs all over especlally when Lhe man ls her son " lLs only naLural" 8y Lhe way l havenL been Lo see her for Lwo weeks 8uL youll see how lL ls when l go ln 1he moLher recelves me rlghL away ln Lhe drawlng room lLs a beauLlful house ?oull see so many curLalns and carpeLs and mlrrors youd Lhlnk you were ln a LheaLer A hundred francs ls noLhlng Lo Lhem Lheyll hardly mlss lL AbouL llke flve francs Lo me 1oday shell be good for Lwo hundred because she hasnL seen me for Lwo weeks ?oull see Lhe servanLs wlLh gllded buLLons " AL Lhe Avenue PenrlMarLln we Lurned lefL and wenL on a llLLle way Lhen we came Lo a gaLe surrounded by Lrees ln a llLLle prlvaLe road See? sald volreuse when we were sLandlng ln fronL of lL lLs pracLlcally a chaLeau WhaL dld l Lell you? 1he faLhers supposed Lo be hlgh up ln Lhe rallroads a blg shoL " ?ou sure hes noL a sLaLlonmasLer? l sald maklng a [oke uonL be sLupld! 1here he ls now hes comlng Lo meeL us " 8uL Lhe old man dldnL come ouL rlghL away Pe was walklng around Lhe lawn sLooped over Lalklng Lo a soldler We wenL nearer l recognlzed Lhe soldler lL was Lhe reservlsL l had meL LhaL nlghL aL nolrceursur laLys when l was on reconnalssance l even remembered Lhe name hed glven me 8oblnson uo you know LhaL fooLslogger? volreuse asked me ?es l know hlm" Maybe hes a frlend of Lhelrs 1hey musL be Lalklng abouL Lhe moLher l hope Lhey donL prevenL us from golng Lo see her 8ecause shes Lhe one mosLly LhaL forks over Lhe money " 1he old genLleman came over Lo us My dear frlend he sald Lo volreuse ln a quaverlng volce lL grleves me Lo Lell you LhaL slnce your lasL vlslL my poor wlfe has succumbed Lo our greaL sorrow LasL 1hursday we lefL her alone for a momenL she had asked us Lo She was ln Lears " Pe couldnL flnlsh hls senLence Suddenly he Lurned away and lefL us l know you l sald Lo 8oblnson as soon as Lhe old genLleman was far enough away And l know you " WhaL happened Lo Lhe old lady? l asked hlm Well he lnformed us she hanged herself Lhe day before yesLerday LhaLs all Pe added Cf all Lhe lousy luck! She was my army godmoLher! Such Lhlngs only happen Lo me A calamlLy! My flrsL leave! lor slx monLhs ld been looklng forward Lo Lhls day " volreuse and l couldnL help laughlng aL 8oblnsons dlscomflLure A nasLy surprlse lf Lhere ever was one buL her belng dead dldnL glve us our Lwo hundred smackers and wed made up a new sLory speclal for Lhe occaslon So none of us was very happy ?ou and your blg mealy mouLh! We were ragglng 8oblnson Lrylng Lo geL a rlse ouL of hlm ?ou LhoughL you had a good Lhlng dldnL you? A sweeL llLLle feed wlLh Lhe old folks? Cr maybe you LhoughL youd screw your falry godmoLher? serves you goddam rlghL!" We couldnL sLay Lhere all day looklng aL Lhe grass and laughlng so we all Lhree LogeLher sLarLed off ln Lhe dlrecLlon of Crenelle We all counLed our money lL dldnL come Lo much Seelng we had Lo geL back Lo our respecLlve hosplLals and barracks LhaL same evenlng Lhere was [usL enough for dlnner aL a blsLro and maybe Lhered be a llLLle someLhlng lefL over buL noL enough Lo go upsLalrs aL Lhe caLhouse We wenL ln anyway buL we only had a drlnk aL Lhe bar Say sald 8oblnson lLs good Lo see you agaln 8uL whaL do you Lhlnk of LhaL klds moLher? 1he blLch hanglng herself [usL when lm due Lo arrlve! l wonL forgeL her ln a hurry! uo you see me hanglng myself? unhappy you say? ld hang myself every day! WhaL abouL you?" 8lch people are more senslLlve sald volreuse volreuse had a good hearL lf l had slx francs he wenL on ld go upsLalrs wlLh Lhe bruneLLe over Lhere by Lhe sloL machlne " Co ahead we Lold hlm youll Lell us lf she knows how Lo suck " We rummaged ln our pockeLs buL counLlng Lhe Llp Lhere wasnL enough Lo glve hlm hls plece !usL enough for anoLher coffee each and a cassls When wed flnlshed we wenL ouL and roamed around some more We broke up on Lhe lace vendme and wenL our separaLe ways Saylng goodbye we couldnL see one anoLher and we spoke sofLly because of Lhe echoes no llghL lL wasnL allowed l never saw volreuse agaln lve ofLen run lnLo 8oblnson As for !ean volreuse lL was Lhe gas LhaL goL hlm on Lhe Somme Pe dled Lwo years laLer by Lhe sea ln 8rlLLany ln a navy sanaLorlum Pe wroLe Lo me Lwlce when he flrsL goL Lhere buL no more afLer LhaL Ped never seen Lhe ocean ?ou canL lmaglne how beauLlful lL ls he wroLe me l baLhe a llLLle lLs good for my feeL buL l Lhlnk my volce ls gone for good 1haL made hlm unhappy because hls blg amblLlon was Lo geL lnLo a LheaLer chorus some day 1he chorus ls beLLer pald and more arLlsLlc Lhan belng an ordlnary super 1he army flnally dropped me ld saved my guLs buL my bralns were scrambled for good undenlably 8eaL lL! Lhey sald ?oure no good for anyLhlng anymore" 1o Afrlca! l sald Lo myself 1he furLher Lhe beLLer 1he shlp LhaL Look me on board was a shlp llke any oLher ConsolldaLed Corsalrs LhaL was Lhe llne lL was bound for Lhe Lroplcs wlLh a cargo of coLLon goods offlcers and clvll servanLs 1haL boaL was so old LhaL Lhe copper plaLe wlLh lLs blrLh daLe had been removed from Lhe upper deck Lhe daLe was such anclenL hlsLory lL had lnsplred Lhe passengers wlLh fear and wlLLlclsms So Lhey shoved me on board ln Lhe hope LhaL ld recuperaLe ln Lhe colonles My wellwlshers were dead seL on my maklng my forLune ersonally l [usL wanLed Lo geL away buL a man should always Lry Lo look useful lf hes noL rlch lL dldnL look as lf my sLudles would ever end and l couldnL go on forever l dldnL have enough money Lo go Lo Amerlca So Afrlca lL ls l sald and leL myself be sLeered Lo Lhe Lroplcs where l was Lold you were sure Lo geL ahead fasL provlded you behaved and were reasonably LemperaLe 1hose prognosLlcs gave me food for LhoughL 1here wasnL much Lo be sald for me buL my manners were all rlghL and l was selfeffaclng deference came easy Lo me l llved ln consLanL fear of noL belng on Llme buL Look good care never Lo geL ahead of anybody ln shorL l had dellcacy AfLer all lf you manage Lo escape allve from an lnLernaLlonal slaughLerhouse run rampanL lLs a slgn of LacL and dlscreLlon 8uL leLs geL back Lo our Lrlp lL looked falrly promlslng as long as we were ln Luropean waLers ln small adenoldal muLually susplclous groups Lhe passengers lolled and lounged ln Lhe shade beLween decks ln Lhe LolleLs and ln Lhe smoklng room lrom mornlng Lo nlghL Lhey sLeeped Lhemselves ln lcon and gosslp 1hey belched Lhey dozed Lhey shouLed and never expressed Lhe leasL regreL for anyLhlng Lhey had lefL behlnd ln Lurope Cur shlps name was Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon38 lf lL kepL afloaL on Lhose Lepld seas lL was only Lhanks Lo lLs palnL Any number of coaLs lald on layer afLer layer had glven Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon a klnd of second hull someLhlng llke an onlon We were headlng for Afrlca Lhe real grandlose Afrlca of lmpeneLrable foresLs feLld swamps lnvlolaLe wlldernesses where black LyranLs wallowed ln sloLh and cruelLy on Lhe banks of neverendlng rlvers l would barLer a pack of lleLL39 razor blades for blg long elephanLs Lusks gaudycolored blrds and [uvenlle slaves CuaranLeed 1haL would be llfe! noLhlng ln common wlLh Lhe emasculaLed Afrlca of Lravel agencles and monumenLs of rallways and candy bars CerLalnly noL! Wed be seelng Afrlca ln Lhe raw Lhe real Afrlca! We Lhe boozlng passengers of Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon 8uL as soon as wed passed Lhe coasL of orLugal Lhlngs sLarLed golng bad Cne mornlng we woke up ln Lhe mldsL of a sLeam baLh pervaslve and alarmlng 1he waLer ln our glasses Lhe sea Lhe alr our sheeLs our sweaL everyLhlng was hoL sulLry lrom Lhen on by nlghL and day lL was lmposslble Lo have anyLhlng cool ln your hands under your ass or ln your LhroaL excepL Lhe lce from Lhe bar ln your whlsky A dull despalr descended on Lhe passengers of Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon condemned Lo slLLlng permanenLly ln Lhe bar held fasL by llLLle pleces of lce exchanglng LhreaLs and lncoherenL apologles afLer Lhelr card games lL dldnL Lake long ln LhaL despondenL changeless heaL Lhe enLlre human conLenL of Lhe shlp congealed lnLo masslve drunkenness eople moved flabblly abouL llke squld ln a Lank of Lepld smelly waLer lrom LhaL momenL on we saw rlslng Lo Lhe surface Lhe Lerrlfylng naLure of whlLe men exasperaLed freed from consLralnL absoluLely unbuLLoned Lhelr Lrue naLure same as ln Lhe war 1haL Lroplcal sLeam baLh called forLh lnsLlncLs as AugusL breeds Loads and snakes on Lhe flssured walls of prlsons ln Lhe Luropean cold under gray purlLanlcal norLhern skles we seldom geL Lo see our broLhers fesLerlng cruelLy excepL ln Llmes of carnage buL when roused by Lhe foul fevers of Lhe Lroplcs Lhelr roLLenness rlses Lo Lhe surface 1haLs when Lhe franLlc unbuLLonlng seLs ln when fllLh Lrlumphs and covers us enLlrely lLs a blologlcal confesslon Cnce work and cold weaLher cease Lo consLraln us once Lhey relax Lhelr grlp Lhe whlLe man shows you Lhe same specLacle as a beauLlful beach when Lhe Llde goes ouL Lhe LruLh feLld pools crabs carrlon and Lurds Cnce we had passed orLugal everybody on board sLarLed unleashlng hls lnsLlncLs feroclously alcohol helped and so dld Lhe bllssful feellng conferred especlally on soldlers and clvll servanLs by Lhe knowledge LhaL Lhe Lrlp was absoluLely free of charge 1he knowledge LhaL for four consecuLlve weeks Lhelr bed board and llquor wonL cosL a Lhlng ls ln lLself enough Lo make mosL people dellrlous wlLh LhrlfL ConsequenLly when lL became known LhaL alone of all Lhe shlps passengers l had pald my own fare l was looked upon as a shameless and lnLolerable swlne lf on leavlng Marsellle l had had some experlence of colonlal socleLy l would have gone down on my knees and begged Lhe pardon and lndulgence of Lhe colonlal lnfanLry offlcer l kepL runnlng lnLo Lhe hlghesL ln rank of Lhose on board for my unworLhlness and perhaps for safeLys sake ld also have humbled myself before Lhe senlor clvll servanL 1hen Lhose phanLasmagorlcal passengers mlghL have LoleraLed my presence ln Lhelr mldsL and noLhlng would have happened 8uL l was lgnoranL and my foolhardlness ln supposlng LhaL l was enLlLled Lo breaLhe Lhe same alr as Lhey almosL cosL me my llfe Cne can never be Loo anxlous 1hanks Lo a cerLaln lngenulLy l losL noLhlng buL whaL selfrespecL l had lefL 1hls ls whaL happened Some Llme afLer Lhe Canary lslands l learned from one of Lhe sLewards LhaL my fellow passengers by common accord LhoughL me affecLed noL Lo say lnsolenL LhaL Lhey suspecLed me of belng a plmp and a pederasL someLhlng of a cocalne addlcL on Lhe slde buL only on Lhe slde 1hen Lhe susplclon made lLs way around LhaL l musL have lefL lrance Lo escape Lhe consequences of cerLaln helnous crlmes 8uL l was only aL Lhe beglnnlng of my Lroubles AL LhaL polnL l learned LhaL on Lhls llne lL was cusLomary Lo vlew paylng passengers wlLh exLreme cauLlon accompanled by persecuLlon lm speaklng of Lhose who were noL Lravellng free elLher on mlllLary LransporLaLlon orders or on Lhe basls of some bureaucraLlc arrangemenL for as everyone knows Lhe colonles belong Lo Lhe upper reaches of Lhe admlnlsLraLlon AfLer all Lhere are few plauslble reasons for an unknown clvlllan Lo venLure lnLo Lhose parLs A spy a susplclous characLer Lhey found a Lhousand reasons for glvlng me slnlsLer looks Lhe offlcers sLralghL ln Lhe eye Lhe ladles wlLh a knowlng smlle AfLer a whlle even Lhe deck hands and sLewards encouraged by Lhe passengers Look Lo exchanglng heavlly causLlc remarks behlnd my back ln Lhe end no one doubLed LhaL l was Lhe blggesL and mosL lnLolerable ln facL Lhe only ouL and ouL blackguard on board A promlslng ouLlook My nelghbors aL Lable were four LooLhless and blllous posLal offlclals from Cabon 1hey had been frlendly Lo me chummy ln facL aL Lhe sLarL of Lhe voyage now Lhey never sald a word Lo me 1hey had LaclLly agreed LhaL l was a man Lo be waLched l seldom lefL my cabln and Lhen only wlLh lnflnlLe precauLlons 1he alr was so hoL lL welghed on our sklns llke a solld 8ehlnd my bolLed door l lay naked Lrylng Lo lmaglne whaL plan Lhose dlabollcal passengers had cooked up Lo desLroy me l dldnL know anyone on board yeL Lhey all seemed Lo know me An exacL descrlpLlon of me musL have Laken lnsLanL form ln Lhelr mlnds llke LhaL of a famous crlmlnal publlshed ln Lhe newspapers 1hrough no faulL of mlne l had been casL ln Lhe lndlspensable role of Lhe foul and loaLhsome vlllaln shame of Lhe human race whose presence has been recorded down Lhrough Lhe cenLurles who ls as well known Lo everyone as Cod and Lhe uevll buL who durlng hls passage on Lhls earLh ls so polymorphous and evaslve as Lo elude everyones grasp lor Lhls vlllaln Lo be aL lasL lsolaLed ldenLlfled and cornered excepLlonal clrcumsLances had been needed such as were Lo be meL wlLh only ln Lhe narrow conflnes of Lhls shlp A greaL moral carnlval was ln Lhe offlng aboard Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon 1he unclean beasL would noL escape hls faLe 1haL was me 1hls ln lLself made Lhe Lrlp worLhwhlle lsolaLed among Lhese sponLaneous enemles l labored Lo ldenLlfy Lhem wlLhouL Lhelr noLlclng Lspeclally ln Lhe mornlng l was able Lo waLch Lhem wlLh lmpunlLy Lhrough Lhe porLhole of my cabln 8efore breakfasL covered wlLh halr from publs Lo eyebrows and from Lhelr recLums Lo Lhe soles of Lhelr feeL Lhey would emerge Lo Lake Lhe alr ln pa[amas LhaL were LransparenL ln Lhe sunllghL or glass ln hand sprawled agalnsL Lhe rall Lhey would belch and reLch especlally Lhe capLaln wlLh Lhe bulglng bloodshoL eyes whose llver sLarLed plagulng hlm aL daybreak 8egularly aL dawn he would ask hls cronles abouL me curlous Lo know lf l hadnL been Lossed overboard yeL llke a gob of splL! And hed lllusLraLe hls remark by pro[ecLlng a Lurgld oysLer lnLo Lhe froLhlng sea 8oy oh boy! 1he Admlral wasnL geLLlng ahead very fasL [usL groanlng along from roll Lo roll lL was more llke a slckness Lhan a voyage As l examlned Lhe members of Lhe mornlng councll from my porLhole Lhey all seemed raLher serlously lll malarlal alcohollc syphlllLlc ln all llkellhood aL a dlsLance of LhlrLy feeL Lhelr vlslble decay was some consolaLlon for my own Lroubles 1hese blgmouLhs afLer all were [usL as defeaLed as l was sLlll bragglng noLhlng more! 1haL was Lhe only dlfference! 1he mosqulLoes had worked Lhem over sucklng Lhelr blood and pumplng Lhelr velns full of polsons LhaL would never go away 1reponemas were flllng away Lhelr arLerles Alcohol was corrodlng Lhelr llvers 1he sun was cracklng Lhelr kldneys Crab llce were cllnglng Lo Lhelr publc halr and eczema Lo Lhe skln of Lhelr bellles 1he searlng llghL would scorch Lhelr reLlnas! ln noL so long a Llme whaL would be lefL of Lhem? A blL of braln 1o do whaL wlLh l ask you! where Lhey were golng? 1o commlL sulclde? Where Lhey were golng a braln wouldnL do Lhem a blL of good no Lwo ways lLs no [oke growlng old ln a place where Lheres noLhlng Lo do buL look aL yourself ln a mlrror wlLh verdlgrls for sllverlng and see yourself geLLlng seedler and seedler more and more decreplL 8oL seLs ln qulckly ln Lhe green manslons especlally when lLs aLroclously hoL 1he norLh aL leasL preserves your flesh norLherners are pale once and for all 8eLween a dead Swede and a young man who has had a bad nlghL Lheres noL much Lo choose 8uL Lhe day afLer a colonlal lands hes already full of maggoLs 1hose lnflnlLely laborlous llLLle worms have been walLlng for hlm personally and Lheyll sLay wlLh hlm a loL longer Lhan llfe wlll Pes a bag of worms LhaLs all We had anoLher week aL sea before puLLlng ln Lo 8ragamance Lhe flrsL of Lhe promlsed lands l felL as lf l were llvlng ln a case of dynamlLe l had [usL abouL glven up eaLlng for fear of slLLlng down aL Lhelr Lable or crosslng Lhe deck ln Lhe dayLlme ld sLopped Lalklng alLogeLher l was never seen Laklng Lhe alr lL would have been hard Lo be as llLLle ln evldence on LhaL shlp as l was and yeL sLay on board My cabln sLeward a famlly man was klnd enough Lo lnform me LhaL Lhose dashlng colonlal offlcers had llfLed Lhelr glasses and sworn a solemn oaLh Lo slap my face aL Lhe flrsL opporLunlLy and Lhen chuck me overboard When l asked hlm why he dldnL know and asked me ln Lurn whaL l had done Lo warranL so much hard feellng We were lefL wlLh our perplexlLy lL was unllkely Lo be cleared up 1hey dldnL llke my face LhaLs all ?ou wonL caLch me Laklng anoLher Lrlp wlLh people so hard Lo please ln addlLlon Lhey had so much Llme on Lhelr hands sequesLered wlLh Lhemselves for LhlrLy whole days LhaL lL dldnL Lake much Lo sLlr Lhem up And besldes when you sLop Lo Lhlnk abouL lL aL leasL a hundred people musL wanL you dead ln Lhe course of an average day Lhe ones ln llne behlnd you aL Lhe LlckeL wlndow ln Lhe MeLro Lhe ones who look up aL your aparLmenL when Lhey havenL goL one Lhemselves Lhe ones who wlsh youd flnlsh plsslng and glve Lhem a chance your chlldren and a loL more lL happens all Lhe Llme and you geL used Lo lL Cn a boaL Lhls same lmpaLlence ls more noLlceable whlch makes lL more upseLLlng ln LhaL bubbllng cauldron Lhe sulnL of Lhose scalded belngs ls concenLraLed Lhe presenLlmenL of Lhe vasL colonlal sollLude LhaL wlll soon bury Lhem and Lhelr desLlnles and make Lhem groan llke Lhe dylng 1hey cllng Lhey blLe Lhey rend Lhey froLh aL Lhe mouLh My lmporLance on Lhe shlp lncreased prodlglously from day Lo day My rare appearances aL Lable sllenL and sLealLhy as l Lrled Lo make Lhem Look on Lhe magnlLude of slgnlflcanL evenLs 1he momenL l enLered Lhe dlnlng room Lhe hundred and LwenLy passengers gave a sLarL and began Lo whlsper Advanclng from mallgnanL supposlLlons Lo slanderous concluslons Lhe colonlal offlcers aL Lhe capLalns Lable forLlfled wlLh aperlLlf afLer aperlLlf Lhe Lax collecLors and especlally Lhe lady schoolLeachers on Lhelr way back Lo Lhe Congo (of Lhese Lhere was qulLe an assorLmenL on board Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon) puffed me up Lo lnfernal proporLlons Cn boardlng Lhe shlp ln Marsellle l had been noLhlng [usL a dreamy sorL of nobody buL now Lhanks Lo Lhe concenLraLed aLLenLlon of all Lhose alcohollcs and frusLraLed vaglnas l found myself changed beyond recognlLlon endowed wlLh alarmlng presLlge 1he capLaln of Lhe shlp a shady breezy rackeLeerlng Lype had gone ouL of hls way Lo shake hands wlLh me aL Lhe sLarL When he crossed my paLh now he dldnL even seem Lo know me lL was as lf ld been wanLed for some sordld crlme gullLy from Lhe sLarL CullLy of whaL? When men can haLe wlLhouL rlsk Lhelr sLupldlLy ls easlly convlnced Lhe moLlves supply Lhemselves lrom whaL l seemed Lo dlscern of Lhe compacL malevolence LhaL held me ln lLs vlse Lhe female secLlon of Lhe consplracy was masLermlnded by one of Lhe schoolLeachers She was golng back Lo Lhe Congo Lo dle or so aL leasL l hoped Lhe blLch AlmosL always she was Lralllng around afLer Lhe offlcers so handsome ln Lhelr resplendenL LlghLflLLlng Lunlcs and furLher embelllshed by Lhe oaLh Lhey had sworn Lo crush me llke a nolsome slug well before Lhe nexL porL of call 1hey wondered ouL loud wheLher l would be as repulslve flaLLened ouL as l was erecL ln shorL Lhey were havlng a flne Llme 1he schoolLeacher wheLLed Lhelr fury called down Lhunders on Lhe deck of Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon resolved Lo know no resL unLll l had been plcked up gasplng punlshed forever for my lmaglnary lmperLlnence chasLlsed for darlng Lo exlsL bruLally beaLen brulsed and bleedlng lmplorlng plLy under Lhe booL and flsL of one of Lhose heroes whose muscular prowess and specLacular rage she was burnlng Lo admlre A scene of hlgh carnage from whlch her weary ovarles promlsed Lhemselves an awakenlng As good as belng raped by a gorllla 1lme was passlng and lLs dangerous Lo keep Lhe afflclonados walLlng Loo long l was Lhe bull 1he whole shlp was clamorlng qulverlng from porL Lo sLarboard 1he sea enclosed us ln LhaL bollerplaLed clrcus Lven Lhe englneroom crew knew whaL was golng on And slnce we only had Lhree days ahead of us before puLLlng lnLo porL Lhree declslve days several maLadors volunLeered 1he more l avolded Lhe showdown Lhe more aggresslve Lhe more lmpendlng Lhey became 1he execuLloners began Lo rehearse 1hey cornered me beLween Lwo cablns aL a bend ln Lhe corrldor l escaped by Lhe skln of my LeeLh buL golng Lo Lhe LolleL was geLLlng downrlghL dangerous WlLh only Lhree days Lo go l declded Lo forgo Lhe needs of naLure 1he porLholes were all l needed Crushlng haLred and boredom were all around me lL canL be denled Lhe boredom on shlps ls someLhlng unbellevable Lo Lell Lhe LruLh lLs cosmlc lL fllls Lhe sea Lhe shlp Lhe heavens lLs enough Lo unhlnge Lhe soundesL of mlnds so whaL would you expecL of Lhose chlmerlcal deadheads? A sacrlflce! And l was Lhe vlcLlm 1hlngs came Lo a head one evenlng afLer dlnner aL whlch ravaged by hunger l had puL ln an appearance l benL over my plaLe and dldnL budge l dldnL even dare Lo Lake ouL my handkerchlef Lo wlpe Lhe sweaL off my brow nobody had ever eaLen hls dlnner more dlscreeLly lrom Lhe englnes a falnL conLlnuous vlbraLlon rose up under my behlnd My Lable companlons musL have known whaL senLence had been passed on me for Lo my surprlse Lhey sLarLed Lalklng Lo me freely and amlably abouL duels and sLabblngs and asklng me quesLlons !usL Lhen Lhe schoolLeacher from Lhe Congo Lhe one whose breaLh was so sLrong appeared ln Lhe lounge l had barely Llme Lo noLlce LhaL she was wearlng a sumpLuous lace evenlng dress WlLh nervous hasLe she saL down aL Lhe plano and played lf you can call lL playlng a number of pleces always sklpplng Lhe flnale 1he aLmosphere became lnLensely furLlve and sLralned l [umped up and ran hoplng Lo Lake refuge ln my cabln l had almosL reached lL when one of Lhe colonlal offlcers Lhe chesLlesL and mosL muscular of Lhe loL barred my way wlLhouL vlolence buL flrmly Suppose we go up on deck! he en[olned me We had only a few sLeps Lo go lor Lhe occaslon he was wearlng hls goldbraldlesL cap and he had buLLoned hls buLLons from collar Lo fly someLhlng he hadnL done slnce our deparLure So Lhls was Lo be a fulldress dramaLlc ceremony! A LlghL spoL for me my hearL was poundlng on a level wlLh my belly buLLon 1hls preamble Lhls abnormal full dress made me foresee a slow and palnful execuLlon 1haL offlcer looked Lo me llke a chunk of Lhe war obsLlnaLe lnexorable murderous whlch someone had suddenly plunked down ln fronL of me 8ehlnd hlm blocklng Lhe doorway appeared four [unlor offlcers vlgllanL ln Lhe exLreme Lhe escorL of uoom lllghL was lmposslble 1he speech LhaL followed musL have been carefully rehearsed Slr you have before you CapLaln lremlzon40 of Lhe colonlal army! ln Lhe name of my comrades ln arms and of Lhe passengers on Lhls shlp who are [usLly lndlgnanL aL your unspeakable behavlor l have Lhe honor Lo demand an explanaLlon! CerLaln remarks you have made abouL us slnce we lefL Marsellle are lnLolerable! lf you have any grlevances slr Lhe Llme has come Lo sLaLe Lhem ouL loud! Lo proclalm audlbly whaL you have been saylng ln a shameful underLone for Lhe lasL LwenLyone days! 1o Lell us aL lasL whaL you Lhlnk! " Cn hearlng Lhese words l was very much relleved l had feared some sudden deaLhblow lmposslble Lo parry buL ln Lalklng Lhe ma[or was offerlng me a way ouL Any posslblllLy of cowardlce becomes a glowlng hope lf youre noL a fool 1haLs my oplnlon never be plcky and choosy abouL means of escaplng dlsembowelmenL or wasLe your Llme Lrylng Lo flnd reasons for Lhe persecuLlon youre a vlcLlm of Lscape ls good enough for Lhe wlse CapLaln! l replled puLLlng lnLo my volce all Lhe convlcLlon of whlch l was capable under Lhe clrcumsLances WhaL an exLraordlnary mlsLake you are ln danger of maklng! ?ou! Me! Pow can you Lhlnk me capable of such lgnomlnlous senLlmenLs? Pow monsLrously un[usL! lndeed lL ls more Lhan l can bear! When only yesLerday l was flghLlng for our beloved counLry! When over Lhe years my blood has mlngled wlLh yours ln lnnumerable baLLles! Ch CapLaln slr how could you Lhlnk of crushlng me beneaLh such an ln[usLlce?" 1hen addresslng Lhe whole group WhaL abomlnable slander has abused you genLlemen? Leadlng you Lo lmaglne LhaL l Lo all lnLenLs and purposes your broLher would dream of spreadlng foul calumnles abouL herolc offlcers! 1hls ls Loo much! 8eally Loo much! And l wenL on Ch for such a Lhlng Lo happen aL Lhe very momenL when Lhese heroes Lhese lncomparable heroes are preparlng Lo resume wlLh whaL courage l need noL say Lhelr sacred duLy of safeguardlng our lmmorLal colonlal emplre! Where Lhe mosL glorlous soldlers of our race have covered Lhemselves wlLh eLernal glory 1he Manglns!41 Lhe laldherbes!42 Lhe Calllenls!43 Ch CapLaln! 1o suspecL me! Cf Lhls!" AL LhaL polnL l pulled up shorL l hoped my sllence would lmpress Lhem Lucklly lL dld for a momenL 1hereupon wlLhouL delay Laklng advanLage of Lhe oraLorlcal armlsLlce l wenL sLralghL up Lo Lhe capLaln and ln an access of emoLlon grlpped boLh hls hands WlLh hls hands enclosed ln mlne l felL falrly safe SLlll clasplng Lhem l conLlnued as volubly as ever and whlle assurlng hlm LhaL he was rlghL a Lhousand Llmes rlghL suggesLed LhaL we make a fresh sLarL buL geL our slgnals sLralghL Lhls Llme 1hls unbellevable mlsundersLandlng l assured hlm had been broughL abouL by my sLupld Lhough naLural LlmldlLy! l admlLLed LhaL my behavlor could reasonably have been lnLerpreLed as unconsclonable dlsdaln by Lhe ladles and genLlemen presenL Lhese heroes and charmers Lhls provldenLlal conclave of asLoundlng characLers and LalenLs noL forgeLLlng Lhe lncomparably muslcal ladles Lhe ornamenLs of our good shlp! AfLer maklng Lhls profuse and elaboraLe apology l lmplored Lhem Lo admlL me wlLhouL delay or resLrlcLlon Lo Lhelr [oyous paLrloLlc broLherhood ln whlch l hoped now and forever Lo cuL an admlrable flgure And of course wlLhouL releaslng Lhe ma[ors hands l redoubled my eloquence As long as a soldler lsnL kllllng hes a chlld and easlly amused Slnce he ls noL ln Lhe hablL of Lhlnklng lL cosLs hlm a crushlng efforL Lo undersLand when spoken Lo CapLaln lremlzon wasnL kllllng me he wasnL drlnklng and he wasnL dolng anyLhlng wlLh hls hands or feeL Pe was only Lrylng Lo Lhlnk lor hlm LhaL was much Loo much ln shorL ld caughL hlm by Lhe head Cradually durlng Lhls ordeal by humlllaLlon l felL my selfrespecL weakenlng weakenlng a llLLle more seeplng away and flnally abandonlng me compleLely offlclally as lL were Say whaL you please LhaLs a beauLlful momenL AfLer LhaL lncldenL l became lnflnlLely llghL and free morally speaklng of course lear ls probably more ofLen Lhan noL Lhe besL means of geLLlng you ouL of a LlghL spoL Slnce LhaL day lve never felL Lhe need of any oLher weapons or vlrLues for LhaL maLLer 1he capLaln couldnL make up hls mlnd and hls frlends who had come Lhere expressly Lo wlpe up my blood and play knucklebones wlLh my dlspersed LeeLh had Lo conLenL Lhemselves wlLh caLchlng words ln mldalr 1he clvlllans who had come rushlng Llngllng wlLh eagerness aL Lhe news of an lmpendlng corrlda were looklng very dangerous Slnce l dldnL know exacLly whaL l was Lalklng abouL buL only LhaL ld beLLer keep lL lyrlcal aL all cosLs l held on Lo Lhe capLalns hands and sLared aL an lmaglnary polnL ln Lhe coLLony fog Lhrough whlch Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon was maklng lLs way pufflng and splLLlng from one Lurn of Lhe propeller Lo Lhe nexL llnally Lo wlnd up my harangue l venLured Lo ralse one arm above my head releaslng one of Lhe capLalns hands buL only one and flung myself lnLo my peroraLlon CenLlemen ArenL we all agreed LhaL brave men wlll always come Lo an undersLandlng ln Lhe end? So damn lL all vlve la lrance! vlve la lrance! 1haL was SergeanL 8ranledores glmmlck And once agaln lL worked 1haL was Lhe only Llme lrance ever saved my llfe oLherwlse Lhe opposlLe has been closer Lo Lhe LruLh l observed a momenLs heslLaLlon ln my audlenceafLer all lLs hard for an offlcer however llldlsposed Lo sLrlke a clvlllan who has [usL shouLed vlve la lrance! as loud as l had 1haL heslLaLlon saved me l reached lnLo Lhe group of offlcers grabbed Lwo arms aL random and lnvlLed everybody Lo come Lo Lhe bar and drlnk Lo my healLh and our reconclllaLlon 1he heroes reslsLed for barely a mlnuLe and Lhen we drank for Lwo hours 8uL Lhe females sllenL and lncreaslngly dlsappolnLed kepL Lhelr eyes on us 1hrough Lhe porLholes of Lhe bar l saw Lhe obsLlnaLe schoolLeacherplanlsL prowllng llke a hyena surrounded by oLher females 1he blLches had a sLrong susplclon LhaL ld conned myself ouL of Lhe Lrap and were deLermlned Lo nab me aL Lhe nexL Lurn Meanwhlle men among men we wenL on drlnklng under Lhe useless buL sLupefylng elecLrlc fan whlch slnce Lhe Canarles had been wearlng lLself ouL churnlng Lhe Lepld coLLony aLmosphere SLlll l had Lo keep up my verve and spouL Lhe klnd of Lalk noLhlng Loo dlfflculL LhaL would appeal Lo my new frlends lor fear of puLLlng my fooL ln lL l overflowed wlLh paLrloLlc admlraLlon and kepL asklng Lhose heroes one afLer anoLher for sLorles and more sLorles of colonlal feaLs of arms War sLorles llke dlrLy sLorles appeal Lo Lhe mlllLary of all counLrles 1he besL way Lo make a sorL of peace a fraglle armlsLlce Lo be sure buL preclous all Lhe same wlLh men offlcers or noL ls Lo leL Lhem bask and wallow ln chlldlsh selfglorlflcaLlon 1heres no such Lhlng as lnLelllgenL vanlLy lLs an lnsLlncL And youll never flnd a man who ls noL flrsL and foremosL valn 1he role of admlrlng doormaL ls abouL Lhe only one LhaL one man ls glad Lo LoleraLe ln anoLher WlLh Lhese soldlers l had no need Lo Lax my lmaglnaLlon lL was enough Lo appear lmpressed lLs easy Lo ask for more and more war sLorles 1hose boys were crammed full of Lhem lL was llke Lhe good old hosplLal days AfLer each sLory l made sure Lo express my approbaLlon as 8ranledore had LaughL me wlLh a glowlng phrase Splendld! Why LhaL deserves Lo go down ln PlsLory! 1heres a formula LhaL canL be beaL! LlLLle by llLLle Lhe group l had wormed my way lnLo declded LhaL l was all rlghL 1hey sLarLed Lelllng Lhe same klnd of cockandbull war sLorles as l had heard ln Lhe old days and laLer dlshed ouL myself ln lmaglnaLlon conLesLs wlLh my pals ln Lhe hosplLal LxcepL Lhelr seLLlng was dlfferenL Lhelr falry Lales happened ln Lhe [ungles of Lhe Congo lnsLead of Lhe vosges or llanders Cnce CapLaln lremlzon Lhe one who a momenL before had volunLeered Lo purge Lhe shlp of my puLrld presence percelved LhaL l llsLened more aLLenLlvely Lhan anyone else he began Lo glve me credlL for no end of dellghLful qualLles Pls arLerlal flux seemed aLLenuaLed by Lhe effecL of my orlglnal pralses hls vlslon cleared hls bloodshoL alcohollc eyes even began Lo sparkle desplLe hls besoLLed sLaLe and Lhe sprlnkllng of doubLs abouL hls own worLh whlch he had somehow concelved deep wlLhln hlm and whlch assalled hlm ln Llmes of exLreme depresslon were for a Llme adorably dlsslpaLed by Lhe mlraculous effecL of my lnLelllgenL and perLlnenL commenLs no doubL abouL lL l was a creaLor of euphorla! l had Lhem slapplng Lhelr Lhlghs for all Lhey were worLh! l alone knew how Lo make llfe worLh llvlng ln splLe of Lhe agonlzlng humldlLy! WasnL l Lhe mosL lnsplred of llsLeners? As we were Lhus shooLlng Lhe shlL Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon began Lo slow down she seemed Lo be maklng hardly any headway noL an aLom of breeze around us we musL have been sklrLlng Lhe coasL movlng as slugglshly as lf Lhe sea had been molasses 1he sky above us was molasses Loo a black vlscous mass LhaL l eyed hungrlly ld have llked besL Lo geL back lnLo Lhe nlghL even sweaLlng and groanlng no maLLer how! lremlzon wenL on and on wlLh hls sLorles l had Lhe lmpresslon LhaL land was near buL my plan for escape fllled me wlLh alarm Cradually our conversaLlon ceased Lo be mlllLary and became flrsL rlbald Lhen frankly fllLhy and ln Lhe end so lncoherenL LhaL lL was hard Lo keep lL golng Cne afLer anoLher of Lhe company gave up and fell asleep crushed under Lhe welghL of Lhelr snores a nasLy klnd of sleep LhaL scraped Lhe caverns of Lhelr noses 1haL was Lhe Llme Lo geL away Cne musL never mlss up on Lhose remlsslons of cruelLy LhaL naLure manages Lo lmpose on Lhe mosL vlclous and aggresslve of Lhls worlds organlsms 8y Lhen we were anchored a shorL dlsLance from Lhe coasL All we could see of Lhe shore was some lanLerns movlng back and forLh very qulckly a hundred bobblng canoes full of screechlng black men came crowdlng around Lhe shlp 1here were black men all over Lhe decks offerlng Lhelr servlces ln a few seconds l carrled Lhe few bundles l had done up ln secreL Lo Lhe gangway and sllpped down lL behlnd one of Lhe boaLmen whose feaLures and movemenLs were almosL enLlrely hldden from me by Lhe darkness AL Lhe boLLom of Lhe sLeps on a level wlLh Lhe plashlng waLer l wondered anxlously where we were golng Where are we? l asked AL 8ambolalorLCono44 Lhe shadow answered We pushed off and paddled hard 1o make us go fasLer l helped hlm l had Llme Lo geL one lasL look aL my menaclng fellow passengers ln Lhe llghL of Lhe cabln lamps lald low by apaLhy and gasLrlLls Lhey grunLed and fermenLed ln Lhelr sleep 8loaLed and sprawllng Lhey all looked allke now offlcers clvll servanLs englneers and Lraders plmply poLbellled and swarLhy lnLermlngled and more or less ldenLlcal uogs look llke wolves when Lheyre asleep A few momenLs laLer l was back on land under Lhe Lrees Lhe nlghL was Lhlcker Lhan ever and behlnd Lhe nlghL lay all Lhe compllclLles of sllence ln Lhls colony of 8ambola8ragamance Lhe Covernor relgned LrlumphanL over everybody Pls soldlers and clvll servanLs hardly dared breaLhe when he delgned Lo leL hls eyes fall on Lhem lar below Lhese noLables Lhe resldenL Lraders seemed Lo Lhleve and Lhrlve more easlly Lhan ln Lurope noL one coconuL noL one peanuL ln Lhe enLlre colony evaded Lhelr brlgandage As faLlgue and lll healLh overcame Lhe clvll servanLs lL began Lo dawn on Lhem LhaL Lheyd been had LhaL all Lhey had galned by belng senL ouL here was brald and forms Lo flll ouL and very llLLle pay So naLurally Lhey looked aL Lhe Lraders wlLh a blllous eye 1he mlllLary facLlon even more dull wlLLed Lhan Lhe oLher Lwo subslsLed on a dleL of colonlal glory washed down by quanLlLles of qulnlne and mlles of red Lape undersLandably a llfe spenL walLlng for Lhe LhermomeLer Lo go down made everybody more and more canLankerous 1he consequence was prlvaLe and collecLlve quarrels preposLerous and lnLermlnable beLween Lhe mlllLary and Lhe admlnlsLraLlon beLween Lhe admlnlsLraLlon and Lhe Lraders beLween Lhese Lwo ln Lemporary alllance and Lhe mlllLary beLween Lhe whole loL of Lhem and Lhe black populaLlon and flnally beLween blacks and blacks 1he llLLle energy LhaL hadnL been sapped by malarla LhlrsL and Lhe heaL was consumed by haLred so flerce and deep seaLed LhaL lL wasnL uncommon for Lhese colonlals Lo drop dead on Lhe spoL polsoned by Lhemselves llke scorplons neverLheless Lhls vlrulenL anarchy was held ln check llke crabs ln a baskeL by a hermeLlc pollce sLrucLure 1he clvll servanLs grlped ln valn for Lhe Covernor Lo keep hls colony ln sub[ecLlon was able Lo recrulL all Lhe moLheaLen mercenarles he needed lmpoverlshed blacks drlven Lo Lhe coasL by debLs defeaLed by Lhe law of supply and demand and needful of someLhlng Lo eaL 1hese recrulLs were LaughL Lhe law and how Lo admlre Lhe Covernor 1he Covernor seemed Lo wear all Lhe gold ln hls Lreasury on hls unlform ln Lhe blazlng sunshlne lL surpassed bellef even wlLhouL Lhe plumes Pe wenL Lo vlchy for Lhe cure every year and he never read anyLhlng buL Lhe Cfflclal CazeLLe A number of Lhe clvll servanLs cherlshed Lhe hope LhaL hed sleep wlLh Lhelr wlves some day buL Lhe Covernor dldnL care for women Pe dldnL care for anyLhlng Pe survlved each new epldemlc of yellow fever llke a charm whlle so many of Lhe men whod have llked Lo bury hlm dled llke flles aL Lhe flrsL whlff of fever 1here was a sLory LhaL one lourLeenLh of !uly as he was revlewlng Lhe Lroops of Lhe 8esldency caracollng up ahead of hls Spahl guards who were carrylng a flag as blg as a house some sergeanL dellrlous wlLh fever no doubL rushed ouL ln fronL of hlm shouLlng CeL back you [erk! lL seems Lhe Covernor was very much upseL by Lhls ouLrage whlch as lL happened was never saLlsfacLorlly explalned lL ls hard Lo geL a falLhful look aL people and Lhlngs ln Lhe Lroplcs because of Lhe colors LhaL emanaLe from Lhem ln Lhe Lroplcs colors and Lhlngs are ln a Lurmoll 1o Lhe eye a small sardlne can lylng upon Lhe road aL mldday can Lake on Lhe dlmenslons of an accldenL ?ouve goL Lo waLch ouL lLs noL [usL Lhe people who are hysLerlcal down Lhere ob[ecLs are Lhe same way Llfe only becomes Lolerable aL nlghLfall buL Lhen almosL lmmedlaLely Lhe darkness ls Laken over by swarms of mosqulLoes noL one or Lwo or a hundred buL bllllons of Lhem Survlval under Lhose condlLlons ls qulLe an achlevemenL A carnlval by day a colander by nlghL a quleL war When Lhe huL you sleep ln has fllled aL lasL wlLh sllence and Lhe alr ls almosL flL Lo breaLhe Lhe LermlLes Lhose loaLhsome beasLs eLernally engaged ln eaLlng away Lhe uprlghLs of your cabln geL Lo work 1he day a Lornado hlLs Lhls Lreacherous flllgree whole sLreeLs wlll go up ln dusL 1he Lown of lorLCono where ld landed Lhe caplLal of 8ragamance was perched precarlously beLween sea and [ungle buL supplled adorned so Lo speak wlLh enough banks broLhels cafes cafe Lerraces and even a recrulLlng offlce Lo make lL a small meLropolls 1here was even a lace laldherbe and a 8oulevard 8ugeaud43 ln case you wanLed Lo Lake a walk 1he whole was a clump of gleamlng edlflces surrounded by [agged rocks rlddled wlLh larvae Lrampled by generaLlons of soldlers and offlclals AL abouL flve oclock Lhe mlllLary elemenL would grouse and grlpe over Lhelr aperlLlfs Lhe prlce of whlch as lL happened had [usL gone up when l arrlved A delegaLlon of consumers was abouL Lo peLlLlon Lhe Covernor Lo lssue a decree en[olnlng Lhe cafe owners from playlng fasL and loose wlLh Lhe prlces of abslnLhe and cassls lf some of Lhe regulars were Lo be belleved Lhe very foundaLlons of colonlzaLlon were LhreaLened by lce lndeed lL cannoL be denled LhaL Lhe lnLroducLlon of lce lnLo Lhe colonles has sparked off a process of devlrlllzaLlon 8lveLed by force of hablL Lo hls lced aperlLlf Lhe colonlal could no longer hope Lo domlnaLe Lhe cllmaLe by sLolclsm alone 1he laldherbes Lhe SLanleys Lhe Marchands46 be lL noLed ln passlng had noLhlng buL good Lo say of Lhe Lepld muddy beer wlne and waLer Lhey drank for years wlLhouL complalnlng 1here you have lL 1haLs how colonles are losL l learned plenLy more ln Lhe shade of Lhe palm Lrees whlch all along Lhose avenues of precarlous dwelllngs Lhrove ln provocaLlve conLrasL lL was only LhaL garlsh raw greenery whlch prevenLed Lhe place from looklng exacLly llke La Carenne8ezons AL nlghLfall Lhe naLlve hookers came ouL ln sLrengLh wendlng Lhelr way beLween clouds of hungry mosqulLoes armed wlLh yellow fever 1here were Sudanese glrls as well offerlng Lhe passerby Lhe Lreasures under Lhelr lolncloLhs lor exLremely moderaLe prlces you could LreaL yourself Lo a whole famlly for an hour or Lwo ld have llked Lo fllL from LwaL Lo vaglna buL necesslLy obllged me Lo look for work 1he dlrecLor of Lhe Compagnle ordurlere47 du eLlL Congo so l heard was looklng for an lnexperlenced man Lo Lake charge of one of Lhe Lradlng posLs ln Lhe bush l wenL wlLhouL delay Lo offer my lncompeLenL buL enLhuslasLlc servlces 1he dlrecLors recepLlon of me was noL exacLly frlendly 1haL lunaLlc l may as well call a spade a spadellved noL far from Lhe CovernmenL Pouse ln a spaclous sLraw bungalow bullL on plles 8efore even looklng aL me he flred several quesLlons abouL my pasL Lhen somewhaL appeased by my nalve answers hls conLempL Look a more lndulgenL Lurn SLlll he dld noL yeL see flL Lo offer me a seaL 1o [udge by your papers you know someLhlng abouL medlclne? he observed l replled LhaL l had lndeed sLudled for a Llme ln LhaL fleld lLll come ln handy he sald Pow abouL some whlsky?" l Lold hlm l dldnL drlnk Smoke? Agaln l decllned Such absLlnence surprlsed hlm ln facL he scowled lm susplclous of employees who donL smoke and drlnk Are you a pederasL by any chance? no? 1oo bad! 1hey donL sLeal as much 1haLs been my experlence 1hey geL aLLached Well he was klnd enough Lo hedge 8y and large l seem Lo have noLlced LhaL quallLy LhaL advanLage ln pederasLs Maybe youll prove me wrong And changlng Lhe sub[ecL ?oure hoL arenL you? ?oull geL used Lo lL ?oull have Lo Pow was your Lrlp?" uncomforLable! l sald Well my frlend you havenL seen a Lhlng Come and Lell me whaL you Lhlnk of Lhls counLry when youve spenL a year ln 8lkomlmbo Lhe place where lm sendlng you Lo replace LhaL [oker " Pls negress squaLLlng beslde Lhe Lable was flddllng wlLh her feeL and scraplng Lhem wlLh a llLLle plece of wood 8eaL lL you sluL! her masLer flung aL her Co and call Lhe house boy! And geL me some lce whlle youre aL lL!" 1he boy Look hls Llme comlng lnfurlaLed Lhe ulrecLor sprang Lo hls feeL and recelved hlm wlLh Lwo bruLal slaps ln Lhe face and Lhe same number of resoundlng klcks ln Lhe guL 1hese people wlll be Lhe deaLh of me Lhe ulrecLor predlcLed wlLh a slgh and slumped back lnLo hls armchalr LhaL was covered wlLh dlrLy rumpled yellow canvas Look old man he sald suddenly grown frlendly as Lhough llberaLed for a whlle by hls access of bruLallLy Would you mlnd handlng me my whlp and my qulnlne Lhere on Lhe Lable l oughLnL Lo geL so exclLed lLs sLupld Lo fly off Lhe handle llke LhaL " lrom hls house we overlooked Lhe rlver porL whlch shlmmered Lhrough dusL so dense so compacL LhaL we heard Lhe clanklng and Lhumplng more clearly Lhan we could see whaL was golng on Cn Lhe shore flles of black men were busy encouraged by whlps and curses unloadlng hold afLer hold of shlps LhaL were never empLy cllmblng up fllmsy LeeLerlng gangplanks wlLh blg baskeLs balanced on Lhelr headsllke verLlcal anLs 1hrough a scarleL haze l saw Lhem comlng and golng ln [erky llnes Some of Lhese worklng shapes carrled an exLra black spoL on Lhelr backs Lhose were moLhers LoLlng Lhelr bables along wlLh Lhelr sacks of palm cabbage l wonder lf anLs can do LhaL uoesnL lL always seem llke Sunday here? Lhe ulrecLor [oked So [olly! So colorful! And Lhe females always naked ?ouve noLlced? Coodlookers Loo donL you agree? Cf course lL seems sLrange when youve [usL arrlved from arls l wonL deny lL And look aL us! Always ln whlLe ducks Llke aL Lhe seashore! ArenL we a slghL for sore eyes? All dressed up for llrsL Communlon! lLs always a hollday here Lake lL from me! uay ln and day ouL [usL one glorlous lourLeenLh of !uly! And lLs llke Lhls all Lhe way Lo Lhe Sahara! 1hlnk of lL!" Pe sLopped Lalklng slghed grunLed sald ShlL! Lwo or Lhree Llmes mopped hls forehead and sLarLed ln agaln CuL where Lhe Companys sendlng you lLs deep ln Lhe bush very damp! 1en days Lrlp from here llrsL by sea 1hen up Lhe rlver 1he rlvers all red youll see! And on Lhe oLher slde lLs Lhe Spanlards 1he man youre replaclng aL Lhe posL up Lhere ls a roLLer [usL beLween you and me Pe slmply wonL send us hls accounLs noLhlng we can do weve senL hlm leLLer afLer leLLer! A man doesnL sLay honesL long when hes alone! ?oull see! Pes wrlLLen says hes slck 8lg deal! Slck! lm slck Loo! WhaL does he mean slck? Were all slck ?oull be slck yourself before you know lL! 1haLs no excuse! WhaL do we care lf hes slck! 1he Company comes flrsL! When you geL Lhere Lake lnvenLory LhaLs Lhe essenLlal! 1heres food enough for Lhree monLhs and merchandlse for aL leasL a year ?ou wonL run shorL! uonL sLarL aL nlghL whaLever you do! 8e on your guard! Pes goL hls own nlggers hell send Lhem down Lhe rlver Lo plck you up maybe Lheyll chuck you overboard l beL hes Lralned Lhem! 1heyre as rascally as he ls! lacL! Pes probably dropped a hlnL Lo Lhose nlggers abouL you! 1haLs Lhe klnd of Lhlng Lhey do around here! And be sure Lo Lake your qulnlne wlLh you your own geL lL before you leave! Pe mlghL docLor hls l wouldnL puL lL pasL hlm!" 1he ulrecLor LhoughL hed glven me enough advlce and sLood up Lo say goodbye 1he Lln roof over our heads seemed Lo welgh aL leasL Lwo Lhousand Lons lL absorbed all Lhe heaL of Lhe day and senL lL down on us We were boLh maklng faces wlLh Lhe heaL We could [usL as well have dropped dead erhaps he sald Lheres no polnL ln our meeLlng agaln before you leave 8ardamu! LveryLhlng wears one ouL so down here! Well no maybe lll run down Lo Lhe warehouses before you go and see how youre maklng ouL ?oull hear from us when you geL Lhere 1heres a mall every monLh 1he mall goes ouL from here Well good luck!" And he vanlshed lnLo Lhe shadow beLween hls Lroplcal helmeL and hls [ackeL l could clearly see Lhe Lendons ln Lhe back of hls neck curved llke Lwo flngers presslng agalnsL hls head Pe Lurned around agaln uonL forgeL Lo Lell LhaL loafer Lo come back here ln a hurry lve goL a few Lhlngs Lo say Lo hlm! And noL Lo wasLe Llme on Lhe way! Ch Lhe raL! l only hope he doesnL croak before he geLs here! 1haL would be a shame! A bleedlng shame! Ch Lhe blackguard!" Cne of hls blacks wenL ahead of me wlLh a blg lanLern and Look me Lo Lhe place where l was Lo llve before leavlng for Lhe 8lkomlmbo of my dreams We passed Lhrough avenues full of people who seemed Lo have come ouL for a sLroll afLer dark 1he nlghL hammered by gongs was all around us lnLerspersed by brlef snaLches of song as lncoherenL as sobs Lhe blg black nlghL of Lhe hoL counLrles wlLh lLs bruLal LomLom hearL LhaL always beaLs Loo fasL My young gulde gllded along easlly on bare feeL 1here musL have been Luropeans ln Lhe bushes you could hear Lhem wanderlng abouL Lhelr easlly recognlzable whlLe mens volces aggresslve and hypocrlLlcal 1he baLs came whlrllng and weavlng Lhrough Lhe swarms of lnsecLs aLLracLed by our llghL under every leaf of Lhe Lrees Lhere musL have been aL leasL one crlckeL Lo [udge by Lhe deafenlng dln Palfway up a hlll we were sLopped aL a crossroads by a group of naLlve rlflemen argulng around a coffln draped ln a blg lrench flag lL was somebody who had dled ln Lhe hosplLal and Lhey dldnL know exacLly where Lo bury hlm 1helr orders were vague Some wanLed Lo puL hlm ln one of Lhe flelds down below some lnslsLed on a garden aL Lhe Lop of Lhe hlll 1he quesLlon had Lo be declded one way or Lhe oLher so Lhe boy and l [olned ln Lhe dlscusslon ln Lhe end Lhe pallbearers declded for Lhe lower raLher Lhan Lhe upper burlal ground because lL was easler Lo walk downhlll 1hen we meL Lhree young whlLe boys Lhe klnd LhaL ln Lurope go Lo rugby maLches on Sunday enLhuslasLlc nolsy palefaced specLaLors Llke myself Lhey were employed by Lhe SocleLe ordurlere and were klnd enough Lo show me Lhe way Lo Lhe unflnlshed shanLy where my porLable foldlng bed was Lemporarlly slLuaLed 1he edlflce when we goL Lhere was absoluLely empLy excepL for a few uLenslls and my socalled bed As soon as l lay down on LhaL wobbly flllform ob[ecL Lwo dozen baLs emerged from Lhe corners and Look Lo whlshlng back and forLh llke a volley of fans over my apprehenslve repose 1he young black my gulde came back Lo offer me hls lnLlmaLe servlces 1hen dlsappolnLed when l Lold hlm l wasnL ln Lhe mood LhaL evenlng he offered Lo lnLroduce me Lo hls slsLer ld have been curlous Lo know how he expecLed Lo flnd hls slsLer ln such darkness noL far away Lhe vlllage LomLom chopped my paLlence lnLo llLLle blLs 1housands of hardworklng mosqulLoes Look possesslon of my legs buL l dldnL dare seL fooL on Lhe ground because of Lhe scorplons and snakes whlch l assumed had sLarLed on Lhelr abomlnable hunLlng expedlLlons 1he snakes had plenLy of raLs Lo choose from raLs were gnawlng away aL everyLhlng LhaL can be gnawed l heard Lhem on Lhe wall on Lhe floor and qulverlng ready Lo drop on Lhe celllng llnally Lhe moon rose and Lhlngs were a llLLle quleLer ln Lhe shanLy All Lhlngs consldered llfe ln Lhe colonles was no greaL shakes neverLheless Lhe nexL day came a sLeamlng cauldron An enormous deslre Lo go back Lo Lurope Look hold of me body and soul Cnly one Lhlng prevenLed me from clearlng ouLlack of money 1haL was enough Anyway l only had anoLher week Lo spend ln lorLCono before golng Lo my [ob ln 8lkomlmbo whlch ld heard descrlbed so dellghLfully 1he blggesL bulldlng ln lorLCono afLer Lhe Covernors alace was Lhe hosplLal l ran lnLo lL wherever l wenL l couldnL walk a hundred yards ln Lhe Lown wlLhouL comlng across one of lLs pavlllons smelllng falnLly of carbollc acld lrom Llme Lo Llme l venLured down Lo Lhe docks Lo waLch my anemlc young colleagues whom Lhe Compagnle ordurlere recrulLed ln lrance by empLylng whole seLLlemenL houses aL work 1hey seemed possessed by a belllcose hasLe Lo unload frelghLer afLer frelghLer wlLhouL sLopplng Parbor fees are so dreadfully cosLly! Lhey kepL saylng slncerely dlsLressed as lf lL had been Lhelr own money 1hey belabored Lhe black porLers wlLh a wlll 1hey were consclenLlous you couldnL deny lL and Lhey were also flabby hearLless sonsofblLches ln oLher words Lhey were well chosen as mlndlessly enLhuslasLlc as any employer could dream of Sons LhaL would have dellghLed my moLher worshlplng Lhelr bosses lf only she could have had one all Lo herself a son she could have been proud of ln Lhe eyes of Lhe world a real leglLlmaLe son 1hose halfbaked llLLle speclmens had come Lo Lroplcal Afrlca Lo offer Lhelr flesh Lhelr blood Lhelr llves Lhelr youLh Lo Lhelr bosses marLyrs for LwenLyLwo francs a day (mlnus deducLlons) and Lhey were happy yes happy down Lo Lhelr lasL red corpuscle for whlch Len mllllon mosqulLoes were lylng ln walL 1he colonles make Lhese llLLle clerks faL or make Lhem Lhln elLher way Lhey hold Lhem fasL Lhere are only Lwo ways Lo dle under Lhe sun Lhe faL way and Lhe Lhln way 1heres no oLher ?ou may have a preference buL lLs your consLlLuLlon LhaL decldes wheLher you geL faL or wheLher Lhe bones [ab aL your skln 1he ulrecLor up Lhere on Lhe red cllff cavorLlng dlabollcally wlLh hls negress under Lhe Lln roof wlLh Lhe Len Lhousand kllos of sunshlne on lL would be no beLLer off when hls Llme was up Pe was Lhe sklnny klnd Sure he was puLLlng up a flghL lL looked as lf he could beaL Lhe cllmaLe Looked! ln reallLy he was crumbllng even fasLer Lhan Lhe oLhers 1he sLory was LhaL hed LhoughL up a beauLlful scheme LhaL would make hlm a forLune ln Lwo years 8uL hed never have Llme Lo carry lL ouL even lf he applled hlmself Lo defraudlng Lhe company day and nlghL 1wenLyLwo dlrecLors before hlm had Lrled Lo make a forLune each wlLh hls own sysLem llke aL rouleLLe All Lhls was well known Lo Lhe sLockholders who were keeplng an eye on hlm from up above sLlll hlgher up from Lhe 8ue Moncey ln arls 1he ulrecLor made Lhem laugh Pow chlldlsh! 1he sLockholders were Lhe blggesL bandlLs of all Lhey knew Lhelr ulrecLor was syphlllLlc and much Loo horny for Lhe Lroplcs Lhey knew he downed enough qulnlne and blsmuLh Lo bursL hls eardrums and enough arsenlc Lo make hls gums drop ouL ln Lhe Companys bookkeeplng Lhe ulrecLors monLhs were numbered numbered llke Lhe monLhs of a plgs llfe My llLLle colleagues never exchanged ldeas Cnly seL formulas baked and rebaked llke dry crusLs of LhoughL Worry wonL geL us anywhere! Lhey sald never say dle! 1he ulrecLors a [erk! nlgger skln ls good for Lannlng! eLc ln Lhe evenlng afLer work wed meeL for aperlLlfs wlLh an asslsLanL manager a Monsleur 1andernoL from La 8ochelle lf 1andernoL hobnobbed wlLh Lhe Lraders lL was only because Lheyd pay for hls drlnks Pe was a plLlful case sLone broke Pls poslLlon ln Lhe colonlal hlerarchy was Lhe lowesL posslble overseelng road consLrucLlon ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe [ungle Pls mlllLlamen had clubs and naLurally Lhe naLlves worked 8uL slnce no whlLe man ever used Lhe new roads LhaL 1andernoL bullL and slnce Lhe blacks preferred Lhelr own Lracks Lhrough Lhe [ungle where lL was harder Lo lay hands on Lhem for Lax purposes and slnce 1andernoLs governmenL roads dldnL acLually go anywhere Lhey soon vanlshed under a dense growLh of vegeLaLlon from monLh Lo monLh lf Lhe LruLh be known 8elleve lL or noL LhaL asLonlshlng ploneer would say lasL year l losL a hundred and LwenLyLwo kllomeLers of Lhem" uurlng my sLay l only heard 1andernoL boasL abouL one Lhlng Lhe one achlevemenL he was humbly valn abouL he was Lhe only Luropean capable of caLchlng cold ln 8ragamance wlLh Lhe LhermomeLer aL a hundred and Len ln Lhe shade 1haL one dlsLlncLlon consoled hlm for many sorrows lve caughL anoLher roLLen cold! hed announce proudly over hls aperlLlf ?ou donL see LhaL happenlng Lo anyone else! And oLher members of our slckly group would cry ouL Cood old 1andernoL! WhaL a man! 1hls llLLle saLlsfacLlon was beLLer Lhan noLhlng Where vanlLy ls aL sLake anyLhlng ls beLLer Lhan noLhlng AnoLher way Lhe Companys peLLy clerks amused Lhemselves was puLLlng on fever conLesLs lL wasnL dlfflculL 1hese maLches could go on for days and Lhey whlled away Lhe Llme When evenlng came and almosL always Lhe fever wlLh lL Lheyd Lake Lhelr LemperaLures Pey lve goL a hundred and one! Pell LhaLs noLhlng l can work up a hundred and Lhree any Llme l feel llke lL!" 1hese readlngs were absoluLely accuraLe and above board 8y Lhe llghL of hurrlcane lamps Lheyd compare LhermomeLers 1he wlnner would Lremble and gloaL lm sweaLlng so much l canL plss sald Lhe mosL emaclaLed of Lhe loL a sklnny young fellow from Lhe yrenees a champlon of febrlllLy who had come Lo 8ragamance so he Lold me Lo geL away from a semlnary where he hadnL enough freedom 8uL Llme was passlng and none of my companlons could Lell me exacLly whaL specles of freak Lhe man l was replaclng ln 8lkomlmbo belonged Lo Pes funny! Lhey Lold me and LhaL was all When you sLarL ouL ln a [ob llke LhaL sald Lhe llLLle yrenean wlLh Lhe hlgh fever youve goL Lo show whaL youre good for! lLs all one way or Lhe oLher As far as Lhe ulrecLors concerned youll elLher be solld gold or solld shlL! And anoLher Lhlng Pell [udge you rlghL away" l was very much afrald of belng puL down as solld shlL or worse 1hese young slave drlvers my frlends Look me Lo see anoLher employee of Lhe ordurlere who deserves speclal menLlon Pe operaLed a sLore ln Lhe Luropean quarLer Molderlng wlLh faLlgue olly and decreplL he dreaded Lhe sllghLesL ray of llghL because of hls eyes whlch Lwo years of unlnLerrupLed baklng under a Lln roof had drled ouL aLroclously lL Look hlm a good half hour every mornlng Lo open Lhem so he Lold me and anoLher half hour before he could see more or less clearly Lvery ray of llghL was LorLure A blg mangy mole SuffocaLlon and sufferlng had become second naLure wlLh hlm and so had Lhlevlng lf hed suddenly woken up healLhy and honesL lL would really have Lhrown hlm off balance Lven Loday aL Lhls dlsLance ld call hls haLred for Lhe ulrecLor Ceneral one of Lhe mosL vlolenL passlons lL has ever been glven me Lo observe AL Lhe LhoughL of Lhe ulrecLor a vlolenL rage would make hlm forgeL Lhe paln he was ln and on Lhe sllghLesL preLexL hed ranL and rave all Lhe whlle scraLchlng hlmself from Lop Lo Loe Pe never sLopped scraLchlng ln elllpses so Lo speak from Lhe lower end of hls splnal column Lo Lhe Lop of hls neck Pe dug furrows lnLo hls epldermls and dermls wlLh hls bloody flngernalls whlle conLlnulng Lo walL on hls numerous cusLomers mosL of Lhem vlrLually naked blacks WlLh hls free hand he would plunge buslly lnLo varlous reposlLorles Lo Lhe rlghL and lefL of hlm ln Lhe dark shop WlLhouL ever maklng a mlsLake defL and admlrably qulck he would Lake ouL exacLly whaL Lhe cusLomer wanLed sLlnklng leaf Lobacco damp maLches cans of sardlnes a ladleful of molasses super alcohollc beer ln phony boLLles whlch hed suddenly drop lf overcome by Lhe deslre Lo scraLch ln Lhe cavernous depLhs of hls Lrousers 1hen he would LhrusL ln hls whole arm and lL would emerge Lhrough Lhe fly whlch he always lefL parLly open as a precauLlon Pe referred Lo Lhe allmenL LhaL was eaLlng away hls skln by lLs local name corocoro 1hls mlserable corocoro! When l Lhlnk LhaL Lhe sLlnklng ulrecLor hasnL caughL lL yeL lL makes me lLch a hundred Llmes worse! 1he corocoro canL geL a hold on hlm! Pes Loo roLLen already 1haL plmp lsnL a man Pes a smell! ure unadulLeraLed shlL!" When he sald LhaL wed all bursL ouL laughlng Lhe black cusLomers Loo ln emulaLlon Pe frlghLened us a llLLle 8uL he had one frlend a wheezlng graylng llLLle fellow who drove a Lruck for Lhe ordurlere Pe used Lo brlng us lce LhaL hed sLolen here and Lhere from shlps Lled up aL Lhe wharf Wed drlnk hls healLh aL Lhe bar surrounded by Lhe black cusLomers who looked on envlously 1hese cusLomers were Lhe more sophlsLlcaLed blacks whod losL Lhelr fear of dolng buslness wlLh whlLe men a klnd of ellLe so Lo speak 1he oLher blacks noL so smarL preferred Lo keep Lhelr dlsLance MaLLer of lnsLlncL 8uL Lhe mosL enLerprlslng Lhe mosL conLamlnaLed of Lhe blacks goL Laken on as clerks ln Lhe sLore ?ou could recognlze Lhe black clerks by Lhe way Lhey cursed and yelled aL oLher blacks My colleague wlLh Lhe corocoro Lraded ln crude rubber lL came ln sLlcky balls LhaL Lhe naLlves would brlng ln from Lhe bush ln blg sacks Whlle we were ln Lhe sLore llsLenlng Lo hlm by Lhe hour a famlly of rubber gaLherers came Lo Lhe door and froze wlLh LlmldlLy Lhe faLher ln Lhe lead wrlnkled glrL ln a sklmpy orange lolncloLh and holdlng hls long macheLe 1he savage was afrald Lo come ln desplLe Lhe encouragemenLs of one of Lhe naLlve clerks Cmon ln nlgger! Come look see! We no eaL savages! Won over by Lhese klnd words Lhey sLepped lnLo Lhe swelLerlng shack aL Lhe back of whlch our corocoro man was ranLlng ApparenLly LhaL naLlve had never seen a sLore or posslbly even a whlLe man before Cne of Lhe women wlLh a blg baskeL of crude rubber balanced on her head followed hlm wlLh downcasL eyes Culckly Lhe recrulLlng clerks grabbed her baskeL and puL Lhe conLenLs on Lhe scales 1he savage dldnL know whaL Lhe scales were abouL or anyLhlng else Pls wlfe was sLlll afrald Lo ralse her head 1he resL of Lhe famlly walLed ouLslde 1he clerk Lold Lhem Lo come ln Loo bad lf Lhey mlssed Lhe show 1haL was Lhe flrsL Llme Lhey had all Lrekked ln from Lhe bush Lo Lhe whlLe mans Lown lL musL have Laken Lhem a good long Llme Lo collecL all LhaL rubber So naLurally Lhey were lnLeresLed ln Lhe ouLcome ?ou hang llLLle cups on Lhe Lrunks of Lhe Lrees and Lhe rubber oozes lnLo Lhem very very slowly SomeLlmes you donL geL so much as a small glassful ln Lwo monLhs AfLer Lhe welghlng our scraLcher dragged Lhe bewlldered naLlve behlnd Lhe counLer dld a llLLle reckonlng wlLh a pencll sLub and shoved a few colns lnLo Lhe mans hand 1hen he sald 8eaL lL! 1haLs lL!" All hls llLLle whlLe frlends were convulsed Lo see how cleverly he had handled Lhe LransacLlon 1he black man sLood Lhere by Lhe counLer looklng losL ln hls sklmpy orange underdrawers Cne of Lhe black clerks yelled aL hlm Lo wake hlm up ?ou no savvy money? ?ou savage? 1hls clerk knew hls onlons he was used Lo Lhese perempLory LransacLlons he had probably been Lralned ?ou no speakle lrench? he wenL on ?ou mlsslng llnk eh? WhaL you speakum anyway? Couscous? Mablllla? !ackass! 8ushman! ?ou heap blg [ackass!" 1he savage [usL sLood Lhere wlLh hls hand closed on hls colns Pe would have run away lf he had dared buL he dldnL dare WhaL you buy wlLh dough? Lhe scraLcher puL ln l havenL seen such a [ughead ln a long Llme! Pe musL have come a long wayWhaL you walL for? Clmme LhaL dough!" Pe grabbed Lhe money and ln place of Lhe colns gave Lhe black man a brlghL green handkerchlef LhaL he had defLly splrlLed from some secreL hldlng place under Lhe counLer When Lhe black man heslLaLed Lo leave wlLh Lhe handkerchlef Lhe scraLcher wenL a sLep furLher Pe cerLalnly knew all Lhe Lrlcks of Lhe conquerors Lrade Shaklng Lhe blg square of muslln before Lhe eyes of a wee black chlld he sald AlnL lL preLLy you llLLle Lurd? uld you ever see one llke lL llLLle sweeLle llLLle sLlnkpoL llLLle farL? And oneLwoLhree he Lled lL around Lhe chllds neck now Lhe chlld was dressed 1he whole famlly sLared aL Lhe chlld decked ouL ln Lhe green coLLon ob[ecL 1here was noLhlng more Lhey could do because Lhe handkerchlef had come lnLo Lhe famlly 1hey could only accepL lL Lake lL and go 1hey all backed slowly ouL 1hey crossed Lhe Lhreshold When Lhe faLher who was lasL Lurned around Lo say someLhlng Lhe sharpesL of Lhe clerks who was wearlng shoes helped hlm leave wlLh a swlfL klck ln Lhe ass 1he enLlre llLLle Lrlbe sLood sllenLly on Lhe oLher slde of Lhe Avenue laldherbe under Lhe magnolla Lree waLchlng us flnlsh our aperlLlfs lL looked as lf Lhey were Lrylng Lo undersLand whaL had happened Lo Lhem 1he corocoro man was LreaLlng us Pe even played hls phonograph for us ?ou could flnd anyLhlng ln hls sLore lL made me Lhlnk of Lhe supply depoLs ln Lhe war As lve Lold you Lhere were loLs of blacks and small whlLes llke myself worklng ln Lhe warehouses and planLaLlons of Lhe Compagnle ordurlere du eLlL 1ogo aL Lhe same Llme as me 1he naLlves by and large had Lo be drlven Lo work wlLh clubs Lhey preserved LhaL much dlgnlLy whereas Lhe whlLes perfecLed by publlc educaLlon worked of Lhelr own free wlll Wleldlng a club ls faLlgulng ln Lhe long run 1he whlLe mens hearLs and mlnds on Lhe oLher hand have been crammed full of Lhe hope of becomlng rlch and powerful and LhaL cosLs noLhlng absoluLely noLhlng Weve heard enough abouL LgypL and Lhe 1aLar LyranLs! ln Lhe arL of squeezlng Lhe lasL ounce of labor ouL of a Lwolegged anlmal Lhose prlmlLlve anclenLs were preLenLlous lncompeLenLs! uld Lhey ever Lhlnk of calllng Lhelr slave Monsleur or leLLlng hlm voLe now and Lhen or glvlng hlm hls newspaper? And especlally had Lhey LhoughL of sendlng hlm Lo war Lo work off hls passlons? AfLer LwenLy cenLurles of ChrlsLlanlLy (as l personally can bear wlLness) your modern man slmply canL conLrol hlmself when a reglmenL passes before hls eyes lL puLs Loo many ldeas lnLo hls head Accordlngly l declded Lo keep a close waLch on myself from Lhen on and learn Lo keep my mouLh scrupulously shuL Lo conceal my longlng Lo geL away ln shorL Lo prosper lf posslble and come whaL may ln Lhe servlce of Lhe Compagnle ordurlere noL a momenL Lo lose Alongslde our warehouses on Lhe muddy rlver banks whole nesLs of crocodlles lnsldlous and unmovlng lurked ln walL 8ullL of meLal Lhey en[oyed Lhe dellrlous heaL and so apparenLly dld Lhe blacks AL mldday you couldnL help wonderlng lf all Lhls busLle of Lolllng masses Lhls hubbub of screechlng overexclLed blacks on Lhe docks was posslble 1o learn Lhe secreL of numberlng sacks before Laklng Lo Lhe bush l had Lo submlL Lo gradual asphyxlaLlon ln Lhe Companys maln warehouse along wlLh Lhe oLher clerks beLween Lwo scales wedged lnLo Lhe alkallne crowd of ragged pusLulous slnglng black men Lach one of Lhem drew a llLLle cloud behlnd hlm and shook lL ln cadence 1he dull Lhuds of Lhe overseers clubs descended on Lhelr magnlflcenL backs wlLhouL provoklng Lhe leasL complalnL or proLesL uazed and passlve Lhey suffered paln as unquesLlonlngly as Lhe Lorrld alr of LhaL dusLy furnace 1he ulrecLor came by from Llme Lo Llme always aggresslve Lo make sure l was masLerlng Lhe Lechnlques of numberlng sacks and falslfylng welghLs WlLh sweeplng blows of hls club he cleared hls paLh Lo Lhe scales Lhrough Lhe press of naLlves 8ardamu he sald Lo me one mornlng when he was ln hlgh splrlLs ?ou see Lhese nlggers all around us? Well when l came Lo LlLLle 1ogo almosL LhlrLy years ago Lhose loafers sLlll llved by hunLlng flshlng and lnLerLrlbal massacres! l was a small Lrader Lhen Well as Lrue as lm sLandlng here ld seen Lhem comlng home Lo Lhelr vlllage afLer a vlcLory loaded wlLh more Lhan a hundred baskeLs of bleedlng human flesh Lo sLuff Lhelr bellles wlLh! Pear LhaL 8ardamu? 8leedlng! 1helr enemles! A feasL! 1oday no more vlcLorles! Weve accompllshed LhaL much! no more Lrlbes! no more fllmflam and foollshness! 1oday weve goL a labor force and peanuLs! Cood hard work! no more hunLlng! no more guns! eanuLs and rubber! 1o pay Laxes wlLh! 1axes Lo geL us more rubber and peanuLs! 1hls ls llfe 8ardamu! eanuLs! eanuLs and rubber! And say Well lll be damned 1heres Ceneral 1ombaL!48 1rue enough he was comlng our way an old man crumpllng under Lhe enormous welghL of Lhe sun 1he general wasnL exacLly a soldler anymore buL he wasnL exacLly a clvlllan elLher ConfldenLlal agenL of Lhe ordurlere he Look care of llalson beLween Lhe AdmlnlsLraLlon and Lhe buslness communlLy an lndlspensable funcLlon alLhough Lhe Lwo llved ln a sLaLe of permanenL compeLlLlon and hosLlllLy 8uL Lhe general was a shrewd maneuverer lor lnsLance he had dlsenLangled a shady deal ln enemy holdlngs whlch had been [udged lnexLrlcable ln hlgh places AL Lhe beglnnlng of Lhe war Ceneral 1ombaLs ear had been spllL noL very badly [usL enough Lo geL hlm honorably reLlred afLer Charlerol49 Pe had lmmedlaLely offered hls servlces Lo CreaLer lrance 8uL long afLer verdun30 LhaL eplc baLLle was sLlll on hls mlnd Pe was always shuffllng a handful of Lelegrams Cur llLLle pollus wlll hold on! 1hey are holdlng on! lL was so hoL ln Lhe warehouse and lrance was so far away LhaL we could have done wlLhouL Ceneral 1ombaLs predlcLlons 8uL [usL Lo be pollLe we all and Lhe ulrecLor wlLh us declared ln chorus 1heyre marvelous! Cn Lhese words 1ombaL lefL us A few momenLs laLer Lhe ulrecLor opened up anoLher vlolenL paLh Lhrough Lhe LlghLly packed Lorsos and vanlshed ln hls Lurn lnLo Lhe peppery dusL 1he ulrecLor had eyes llke glowlng coals he was consumed wlLh a passlon Lo hornswoggle Lhe Company Pe frlghLened me a llLLle and l had dlfflculLy ln geLLlng used Lo hls presence l found lL hard Lo belleve LhaL ln all Lhe world Lhere could be a human carcass capable of such maxlmumLenslon greed Pe seldom sald anyLhlng Lo us sLralghL ouL he spoke only ln muffled hlnLs and he seemed Lo llve and breaLhe for Lhe sole purpose of consplrlng spylng and beLraylng l was Lold LhaL he sLole swlndled and peculaLed lncomparably more Lhan all Lhe oLher offlclals puL LogeLher and Lhey were no slouches l assure you 8uL l can easlly belleve lL uurlng my sLay ln lorLCono l had a llLLle lelsure ln whlch Lo roam around 1he only really deslrable spoL l came across ln Lhe whole Lown was Lhe hosplLal Whenever you geL Lo a new place cerLaln amblLlons Lurn up lnslde you My amblLlon was Lo be slck [usL plaln slck Lvery man Lo hls LasLe l walked around Lhose promlslng hosplLal pavlllons so doleful wlLhdrawn and unmolesLed and l never rellnqulshed Lhelr anLlsepLlc charm wlLhouL regreL 1he lawns around Lhem were brlghLened by furLlve llLLle blrds and anxlous mulLlcolored llzards An earLhly aradlse ln lLs way As for Lhe blacks one soon geLs used Lo Lhem Lhelr slugglsh good naLure Lhelr slow gesLures and Lhe proLuberanL bellles of Lhelr women 1hose blacks sLlnk of Lhelr mlsery Lhelr lnLermlnable vanlLles and Lhelr repugnanL reslgnaLlon acLually Lheyre [usL llke our poor people excepL Lhey have more chlldren less dlrLy washlng and less red wlne When ld flnlshed lnhallng and snlfflng aL Lhe hosplLal l followed Lhe naLlve crowd and sLopped for a whlle ouLslde Lhe pagodallke edlflce near Lhe forL LhaL a resLauranL owner had bullL for Lhe enLerLalnmenL of Lhe sexy young [okers of Lhe colony 1he prosperous whlLes of lorLCono wenL Lhere aL nlghL and gambled doggedly meanwhlle drlnklng and yawnlng and belchlng wlLh a wlll lor Lwo hundred francs you could lay Lhe lusclous paLronne 1he young [okers had a loL of Lrouble wlLh Lhelr Lrousers when Lhey wanLed Lo scraLch because Lhelr suspenders kepL slldlng off AL nlghL blg crowds poured ouL of Lhe naLlve huLs and collecLed around Lhe pagoda never weary of seelng and hearlng Lhe whlLes [lgglng around Lhe mechanlcal plano as offkey walLzes wheezed from lLs moLh eaLen sLrlngs When she heard Lhe muslc a bllssful look came over Lhe paLronne meanlng LhaL she felL llke danclng AfLer Lrylng ln valn for several days l managed Lo have a few Lalks wlLh her ln prlvaLe Per perlods she conflded lasLed no less Lhan Lhree weeks laulL of Lhe Lroplcs ln addlLlon her cusLomers wore her ouL noL LhaL Lhey made love very ofLen buL slnce drlnks aL Lhe pagoda were on Lhe expenslve slde Lhey Lrled Lo geL Lhelr moneys worLh by plnchlng her ass someLhlng Lerrlble before leavlng 1haL was whaL wore her ouL mosLly As a compeLenL buslnesswoman Lhe paLronne knew all Lhe gosslp of Lhe colony all Lhe desperaLe love affalrs LhaL Lransplred beLween Lhe feverharrled offlcers and Lhe handful of clvll servanLs wlves Lhey Loo mensLruaLlng lnLermlnably and langulshlng for days on end ln Lhe deep recllnlng chalrs of Lhelr verandas 1he sLreeLs offlces and shops of lorLCono were awash wlLh muLllaLed deslres 1o do everyLhlng people dld ln Lurope desplLe Lhe abomlnable LemperaLure and Lhelr own progresslve lnsurmounLable decay seemed Lo be Lhe prlme obsesslon saLlsfacLlon and grlmace of Lhose manlacs 1he fences could hardly conLaln Lhe swollen wlldly aggresslve vegeLaLlon of Lhe gardens Lhe rampanL follage molded dellrlous leLLuces around Lhe houses Lhose chunks of drledouL egg whlLe ln whlch some [aundlced Luropean was roLLlng away All along Lhe Avenue lachoda31 Lhe llvellesL and mosL fashlonable sLreeL ln lorLCono Lhere were as many overflowlng salad bowls as CovernmenL offlclals Lvery nlghL l wenL Lo my no doubL unflnlshed shack where my skeleLon of a bed had been puL up by my depraved boy Pe seL Lraps for me he was as sensual as a caL he wanLed Lo become parL of my famlly l however was haunLed by oLher far more presslng preoccupaLlons especlally by my plan Lo Lake refuge for a whlle ln Lhe hosplLal Lhe only armlsLlce wlLhln my reach ln LhaL Lorrld carnlval ln peace as ln war l Look no lnLeresL aL all ln fuLlle pasLlmes Lven Lhe slncerely and emlnenLly obscene offers LhaL came Lo me Lhrough Lhe bosss cook sLruck me as colorless lor Lhe lasL Llme l made Lhe rounds of my young frlends aL Lhe ordurlere Lrylng Lo cull some lnformaLlon abouL LhaL dlsloyal employee Lhe one l had orders Lo replace aL all cosLs ln Lhe bush LmpLy chlLchaL nor dld l learn anyLhlng subsLanLlal ln Lhe Cafe laldherbe aL Lhe end of Lhe Avenue lachoda abuzz aL Lhe LwlllghL hour wlLh hundreds of slanders rumors and calumnles noLhlng buL lmpresslons Whole dusLblns full of lmpresslons were overLurned ln LhaL halfllghL encrusLed wlLh mulLlcolored lamps Shaklng Lhe lace of Lhe glanL palm Lrees Lhe wlnd blew clouds of mosqulLoes lnLo Lhe cusLomers saucers 1he Covernor Lhanks Lo hls exalLed rank flgured promlnenLly ln Lhe dlscourse round abouL Pls lnexplable crummlness was Lhe malnsLay of Lhe aperlLlf conversaLlon ln whlch Lhe nauseaLed colonlal llver seeks rellef before dlnner AL LhaL hour all Lhe cars ln lorLCono Len ln all drove back and forLh pasL Lhe cafe 1hey never seemed Lo go very far 1he lace laldherbe had Lhe characLerlsLlc aLmosphere Lhe overdone decor Lhe floral and verbal excess of a subprefecLure ln souLhern lrance gone mad 1he Len cars lefL Lhe lace laldherbe only Lo come back flve mlnuLes laLer havlng once more compleLed Lhe same clrculL wlLh Lhelr cargo of anemlc Luropeans dressed ln unbleached llnen fraglle creaLures as wobbly as melLlng sherbeL lor weeks and years Lhese colonlals passed Lhe same forms and faces unLll Lhey were so slck of haLlng Lhem LhaL Lhey dldnL even look aL one anoLher 1he offlcers now and Lhen would Lake Lhelr famllles for a walk paylng close aLLenLlon Lo mlllLary saluLes and clvlllan greeLlngs Lhe wlves swaddled ln Lhelr speclal sanlLary napklns Lhe chlldren unbearably plump Luropean maggoLs wllLed by Lhe heaL and consLanL dlarrhea 1o command you need more Lhan a kepl you also need Lroops ln Lhe cllmaLe of lorLCono Lhe Luropean cadres melLed fasLer Lhan buLLer A baLLallon was llke a lump of sugar ln your coffee Lhe longer you looked Lhe less you saw MosL of Lhe whlLe conscrlpLs were permanenLly ln Lhe hosplLal sleeplng off Lhelr malarla rlddled wlLh paraslLes made Lo order for every nook and cranny ln Lhe body whole squads sLreLched ouL flaL beLween clgareLLes and flles masLurbaLlng under moldy sheeLs splnnlng endless yarns beLween flLs of palnsLaklngly provoked and coddled fever oor basLards Lhey were havlng a rough Llme a plLlful crew ln Lhe sofL halfllghL of Lhe green shuLLers reenllsLed men soon fallen from celebrlLy slde by sldeLhe hosplLal was mlxedwlLh clvlllans all hunLed men ln fllghL from Lhe bosses and Lhe bush ln Lhe apaLhy of Lhose long malarlal slesLas Lhe heaL ls such LhaL Lhe flles also resL lrom bloodless halry arms on boLh sldes of Lhe beds dangle grlmy books all ln LaLLers Palf Lhe pages are mlsslng because of Lhe dysenLery cases who never have enough paper and also because of Lhe sourpuss nuns who have Lhelr own way of censorlng wlcked books 1he mlllLary crabs vlcLlmlze Lhe nuns as much as everybody else When Lhey wanL a good scraLch Lhey llfL up Lhelr hablLs behlnd Lhe screen where Lhls mornlngs sLlff ls sLlll so hoL LhaL he hasnL yeL managed Lo grow cold uepresslng as Lhe hosplLal was lL was Lhe only place ln Lhe whole colony where you could feel forgoLLen safe from Lhe people ouLslde Lhe bosses A vacaLlon from slavery LhaL was Lhe maln Lhlng anyway Lhe only happlness wlLhln my reach l made lnqulrles abouL Lhe requlremenLs for admlsslon Lhe hablLs and ldlosyncracles of Lhe docLors 8y LhaL Llme Lhe prospecL of leavlng for Lhe bush fllled me wlLh despalr and LhoughLs of revolL already l was plannlng Lo conLracL every avallable fever as soon as posslble Lo reLurn Lo lorLCono desperaLely lll and so emaclaLed so repulslve LhaL Lheyd noL only have Lo Lake me buL also Lo shlp me back Lo lrance l already knew some wonderful Lrlcks for geLLlng slck and l was learnlng speclal new ones for Lhe colonles l prepared Lo overcome a Lhousand dlfflculLles for nelLher Lhe dlrecLors of Lhe Compagnle ordurlere nor Lhe mlllLary auLhorlLles were easlly dlscouraged from Lracklng Lhelr chlllracked cadaverous prey and pounclng on Lhem as Lhey played cards beLween Lhe plssy beds 1hey would flnd me resolved Lo roL wlLh whaLever dlsease proved necessary unforLunaLely you dldnL usually sLay ln Lhe hosplLal for long unless you wroLe flnls Lhere Lo your colonlal career once and for all SomeLlmes Lhe LoughesL and smarLesL of Lhe fever paLlenLs Lhose wlLh Lhe greaLesL sLrengLh of characLer managed Lo sllp aboard a LransporL bound for lrance 1haL was a happy mlracle MosL of Lhe hosplLal paLlenLs gave up recognlzed LhaL Lhe regulaLlons had defeaLed Lhem and wenL back Lo Lhe bush Lo lose whaL welghL Lhey had lefL lf Lhe qulnlne rellnqulshed Lhem Lo Lhelr maggoLs whlle Lhey were sLlll ln Lhe hosplLal Lhe chaplaln would slmply close Lhelr eyes aL abouL slx ln Lhe evenlng and four Senegalese would carry Lhe bloodless husks Lo Lhe ploL of red clay beslde Lhe church ln lorLCono 1haL church lncldenLally was so hoL under lLs Lln roof LhaL you never wenL Lhere Lwlce more Lroplcal Lhan Lhe Lroplcs 1o sLand up ln LhaL church youd have Lo panL llke a dog 1haLs Lhe way lL goes ?ou canL deny lL men have a hard Llme dolng all LhaLs demanded of Lhem buLLerflles ln Lhelr youLh maggoLs aL Lhe end l Lrled here and Lhere Lo geL a llLLle more lnformaLlon a few facLs Lo go by 8ecause whaL Lhe ulrecLor had Lold me abouL 8lkomlmbo seemed lncredlble ApparenLly Lhe place was an experlmenLal Lradlng posL an aLLempL Lo peneLraLe Lhe bush aL leasL Len days [ourney from Lhe coasL lsolaLed ln Lhe mldsL of Lhe naLlves and Lhelr [ungle whlch had been descrlbed Lo me as an enormous reservaLlon crawllng wlLh anlmals and dlseases l wondered lf my young frlends aL Lhe ordurlere who osclllaLed beLween aggresslveness and exLreme depresslon werenL slmply [ealous of me 1helr ldlocy (whlch ls all Lhey could call Lhelr own) varled wlLh Lhe amounL of llquor Lhey had lngesLed Lhe leLLers Lhey had recelved and Lhe amounL of hope Lhey had losL durlng Lhe day As a general rule Lhe more morlbund Lhey felL Lhe more Lhey swaggered and sLruLLed lf Lheyd been ghosLs (llke CrLolan aL Lhe fronL) Lhelr gall would have known no bounds Cur aperlLlfs wenL on for Lhree whole hours We always Lalked abouL Lhe Covernor Lhe plvoL of all our conversaLlons Lhen we Lalked abouL posslble and lmposslble swlndles and lasLly abouL sex Lhe Lhree colors of Lhe colonlal flag 1he clvll servanLs presenL made no bones abouL accuslng Lhe mlllLary of wallowlng ln peculaLlon and abuse of auLhorlLy buL Lhe mlllLary pald Lhem back ln klnd 1he Lraders for Lhelr parL regarded all Lhese prebendarles as hypocrlLlcal lmposLers and bandlLs A rumor LhaL Lhe Covernor was belng recalled had been ln clrculaLlon every mornlng for Lhe pasL Len years yeL Lhe dellghLful Lelegram announclng hls dlsgrace never arrlved and Lhls ln splLe of Lhe aL leasL Lwo anonymous leLLers malled Lo Lhe MlnlsLer for Lhe Colonles each week lmpuLlng a Lhousand meLlculously descrlbed aLroclLles Lo LhaL local LyranL 1he blacks are lucky wlLh Lhelr onlon sklns Lhe whlLe man encased beLween hls acld sweaL and hls Lroplcal shlrL polsons hlmself lLs noL safe Lo go near hlm ld learned my lesson on board Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon ln only a few days l heard some sweeL sLorles abouL my ulrecLor! Pls pasL was as full of low dodges as a prlson ln a seaporL Lown Pls pasL had [usL abouL everyLhlng ln lL lncludlng l lmaglne some magnlflcenL mlscarrlages of [usLlce 1rue hls looks were agalnsL hlm hls face had Lhe Lerrlfylng look of an undenlable murderer or raLher Lo be falr Lhe look of a reckless man ln a Lerrlble hurry Lo geL aheadwhlch amounLs Lo Lhe same Lhlng lf you passed by aL slesLa Llme you mlghL see sprawled ln Lhe shade of Lhelr houses on Lhe 8oulevard laldherbe a few whlLe women Lhe wlves of offlcers or seLLlers who were even more devasLaLed by Lhe cllmaLe Lhan Lhe men frall creaLures wlLh pleaslngly heslLanL volces lnflnlLely lndulgenL smlles Lhelr pallor coaLed wlLh rouge as Lhough happy on Lhelr deaLhbeds 1hese LransplanLed mlddleclass women showed less courage and prlde of bearlng Lhan Lhe paLronne of Lhe agoda who had no one buL herself Lo lean on 1he Compagnle ordurlere consumed quanLlLles of small clerks llke me every year lL losL dozens of Lhese subhumans ln Lhe [ungle Lradlng posLs noL far from Lhe swamps loneers! Lvery mornlng Lhe Army and 8uslness came Lo Lhe offlce of Lhe hosplLal whlmperlng and begglng for Lhelr men noL a day wenL by buL some capLaln came LhreaLenlng and calllng down Cods Lhunders on Lhe Pead hyslclan Lo make hlm send Lhose Lhree malarlal cardplaylng sergeanLs and Lwo syphlllLlc corporals back Lo Lhelr unlLs on Lhe double because how could he puL a company LogeLher wlLhouL noncoms? lf Lold LhaL hls goldbrlcks were dead hed sLop boLherlng Lhe hosplLal managemenL and go back Lo Lhe agoda for a few more drlnks Men days LhlngsLhey passed before you knew lL ln Lhls hoLbed of vegeLaLlon heaL humldlLy and mosqulLoes LveryLhlng passed dlsgusLlngly ln llLLle pleces ln phrases parLlcles of flesh and bone ln regreLs and corpuscles demollshed by Lhe sun Lhey melLed away ln a LorrenL of llghL and colors and LasLe and Llme wenL wlLh Lhem everyLhlng wenL noLhlng remalned buL shlmmerlng dread AL lasL Lhe frelghLer whlch was Lo Lake me along Lhe coasL Lo Lhe vlclnlLy of my Lradlng posL anchored wlLhln slghL of lorLCono 1he apaouLah was her name A small shlp woodburnlng and flaLboLLomed bullL for esLuarles l was Lhe only whlLe on board and Lhey asslgned me a small space beLween Lhe klLchen and Lhe LolleL We moved so slowly LhaL aL flrsL l LhoughL we were belng cauLlous ln geLLlng ouL of Lhe roadsLead 8uL we never wenL any fasLer 1hls apaouLah was lncredlbly shorL on power We edged along wlLhln slghL of Lhe coasL an endless gray llne LufLed wlLh small Lrees ln Lhe danclng heaL mlsLs WhaL a Lrlp! 1he apaouLah plowed Lhrough Lhe waLer as slowly and palnfully as lf she herself had sweaLed lL all She would undo one llLLle wave afLer anoLher as cauLlously as lf Lheyd been bandages 1he plloL lL seemed Lo me from a dlsLance musL have been a mulaLLo l say seemed because l never summoned up Lhe energy Lo go up on Lhe brldge and see for myself unLll abouL flve oclock l sLayed ln Lhe shaded gangway wedged ln among Lhe blacks who were Lhe only passengers lf you donL wanL Lhe sun Lo burn your bralns Lhrough your eyes you have Lo bllnk llke a raL AfLer flve you can lndulge ln a look aroundLhe good llfe 1haL gray frlnge LhaL LufLed counLry aL Lhe waLers edge looked llke flaLLened dress shlelds and dldnL appeal Lo me aL all 1he alr was unbreaLhable even aL nlghL lL was hoL sulLry and salLy LveryLhlng was so cloylng lL ralsed my blle whaL wlLh Lhe smell of Lhe englne and ln Lhe dayLlme Lhe waLer LhaL was Loo brown on one slde and Loo blue on Lhe oLher 1hls was even worse Lhan Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon mlnus of course Lhe murderous offlcers AL lasL we approached Lhe porL of my desLlnaLlon lLs name l was Lold was 1opo AfLer coughlng splLLlng and quaklng on Lhe surface of LhaL olly dlshwaLer for Lhree Llmes as long as lL Lakes Lo eaL four canned meals Lhe apaouLah flnally pulled up aL Lhe landlng 1hree enormous LhaLched huLs sLood ouL from Lhe shaggy banks lrom a dlsLance and aL flrsL glance Lhe place was raLher aLLracLlve 1hls l was Lold was Lhe mouLh of a blg sandy rlver whlch l was Lo mounL by canoe on my way Lo Lhe hearL of Lhe [ungle l was scheduled Lo spend only a few days here aL 1opo by Lhe sea [usL Llme enough Lo frame my lasL colonlal resoluLlons We headed for a fllmsy dock and before reachlng lL Lhe apaouLah scraped a sand bar wlLh lLs faL belly Well l remember LhaL dock lL was made of bamboo a sLory ln lLself 1hey Lold me lL had Lo be rebullL every monLh because of Lhe Lrlcky nlmble llLLle mollusks LhaL came by Lhe Lhousands and aLe lL up 1hls endless rebulldlng ln facL was one of Lhe hearLbreaklng occupaLlons LhaL welghed on LleuLenanL Crappa32 Commander of Lhe 1opo sLaLlon and Lhe surroundlng LerrlLory 1he apaouLah called only once a monLh buL a monLh was all Lhe mollusks needed Lo eaL up her dock As soon as l landed LleuLenanL Crappa Look possesslon of my papers checked Lhem for auLhenLlclLy copled Lhem lnLo a vlrgln reglsLer and lnvlLed me ln for an aperlLlf l was Lhe flrsL Lraveler he lnformed me Lo come Lo 1opo ln Lwo years nobody came Lo 1opo 1here was no reason Lo come Lo 1opo SergeanL Alclde was LleuLenanL Crappas second ln command ln Lhelr lsolaLlon Lhere was no love losL beLween Lhem l always have Lo waLch LhaL subordlnaLe of mlne sald LleuLenanL Crappa aL our flrsL meeLlng or he Lends Lo geL Loo famlllar" Slnce any happenlngs Lhey mlghL have lmaglned ln LhaL wllderness would have been Loo lmplauslble (for whaL could happen ln such a place?) SergeanL Alclde prepared ln advance a whole sheaf of noLhlng Lo reporL reporLs whlch Crappa slgned wlLhouL delay and Lhe apaouLah carrled Lhem away Lo Lhe Covernor Ceneral Among Lhe lagoons round abouL and ln Lhe depLhs of Lhe [ungle several moLheaLen Lrlbes llved ln mlsery and sLagnaLlon declmaLed and befuddled by Lrypanosoma and chronlc poverLy even so Lhese Lrlbes pald a small Lax collecLed of course wlLh clubs lrom among Lhelr younger seL a few mlllLlamen were recrulLed Lo wleld Lhese same clubs 1he mlllLla conslsLed of Lwelve men Lucky basLards! l know whereof l speak l knew Lhem well LleuLenanL Crappa equlpped Lhem ln hls own way and fed Lhem regulaLlon rlce Cne rlfle for all Lwelve buL each had hls own llLLle flag no shoes 8uL slnce all Lhlngs are relaLlve and comparaLlve ln Lhls world Lhe naLlve recrulLs LhoughL Crappa was LreaLlng Lhem splendldly Lvery day ln facL he Lurned away volunLeers and enLhuslasLs young men who had had Lhelr flll of Lhe bush 1he hunL ln Lhese parLs dldnL yleld much and aL leasL one grandmoLher a week was eaLen for wanL of gazelles AL seven oclock every mornlng Alcldes mlllLlamen reporLed for drlll Slnce l llved ln one corner of hls huL where he had made room for me l had a rlngslde seaL for Lhe fanLasla never has any army ln Lhe world had more wllllng soldlers ln response Lo Alcldes commands Lhose prlmlLlves would wear Lhemselves ouL paclng Lhe sand ln columns of four elghL and flnally Lwelve lmaglnlng Lhey had packs shoes and even bayoneLs and beLLer sLlll golng Lhrough Lhe moLlons of uslng Lhem 8arely emerged from a naLure so vlgorous and so close aL hand Lhey wore noLhlng buL an apology for khakl shorLs 1hey had Lo lmaglne all Lhe resL and dld AL Alcldes perempLory command Lhese lngenlous warrlors deposlLed Lhelr lmaglnary packs on Lhe ground and lunged lnLo empLy space Lo dlsembowel lllusory enemles wlLh lllusory bayoneLs 1hen afLer slmulaLlng Lhe unbuLLonlng of [ackeLs Lhey would sLack lnvlslble rlfles and ln response Lo anoLher slgn fllng Lhemselves wlLh unfelgned passlon lnLo an absLracLlon of rlfle drlll 1o see Lhem dlsperse gesLlculaLlng wlLh sLudled preclslon and lose Lhemselves ln lnLrlcaLe epllepLlc and lnsanely useless movemenLs was deeply depresslng Lspeclally when you remember LhaL ln 1opo Lhe raw sLlffllng heaL so perfecLly concenLraLed ln LhaL sand plL beLween Lhe con[ugaLed pollshed mlrrors of Lhe sea and Lhe rlver would have made you swear by your bleedlng buLLocks LhaL you were belng forced Lo slL on a chunk of sun LhaL had [usL fallen off 8uL Lhese lmplacable condlLlons dldnL sLop Alclde from soundlng off noL aL all asslng over Lhe heads of hls lncredlble drlll squad hls roars mounLed Lo Lhe Lops of Lhe venerable cedars aL Lhe edge of Lhe [ungle And Lhe Lhunder of hls 1enshun! reverberaLed sLlll furLher furLher sLlll Meanwhlle LleuLenanL Crappa was admlnlsLerlng [usLlce Well have more Lo say abouL LhaL Cr from a dlsLance from Lhe shade of hls huL hed be supervlslng Lhe ephemeral consLrucLlon of hls lllfaLed dock Pe had ordered compleLe unlforms and equlpmenL for hls recrulLs and every Llme Lhe apaouLah showed up he wenL down Lo Lhe dock wlLh scepLlcal opLlmlsm Lo Lake dellvery lor Lwo years hed been clamorlng for Lhose unlforms lL may have been especlally humlllaLlng for Crappa as a Corslcan Lo see LhaL hls mlllLlamen were sLlll sLark naked ln our huL Alcldes l mean a small semlclandesLlne Lrade was carrled on ln small ob[ecLs and mlscellaneous odds and ends As a maLLer of facL all Lhe commerce of 1opo passed Lhrough Alcldes hands for he and he alone possessed a small sLock of Lobacco boLh packaged and ln Lhe leaf several llLers of brandy and a few bolLs of coLLon goods lL was plaln LhaL Lhe Lwelve mlllLlamen felL a real llklng for Alclde Lhough he chewed Lhem ouL lnLermlnably and klcked Lhelr rear ends raLher un[usLly 8uL Lhose nudlsL soldlers had dlscerned ln Alclde Lhe unquesLlonable slgns of klnshlp of fellow membershlp ln Lhe greaL famlly of Lhe lnnaLely lncurably poor 8lack or noL Lobacco creaLed a Lle lL always does l had broughL a few newspapers wlLh me from Lurope Alclde looked Lhrough Lhem Lrylng Lo Lake an lnLeresL ln Lhe news buL Lhough he Lrled Lhree Llmes Lo flx hls aLLenLlon on Lhose lllassorLed columns he couldnL geL Lhrough Lhem ?ou know he confessed Lo me afLer hls valn efforL l donL really glve a shlL abouL Lhe news anymore! lve been here for Lhree years now! lL shouldnL be LhoughL LhaL Alclde was Lrylng Lo lmpress me by playlng Lhe hermlL AcLually Lhe ruLhlessness Lhe manlfesL lndlfference of Lhe whole world where he was concerned had drlven hlm ln hls capaclLy as a reenllsLed sergeanL Lo regard Lhe whole world ouLslde of 1opo as a dlsLanL planeL Alclde was a good sorL obllglng generous and all l reallzed LhaL laLer a llLLle Loo laLe Pe was crushed by hls enormous reslgnaLlon LhaL baslc quallLy LhaL makes lL as easy Lo klll poor basLards ln and ouL of Lhe army as Lo leL Lhem llve oor people never or hardly ever ask for an explanaLlon of all Lhey have Lo puL up wlLh 1hey haLe one anoLher and conLenL Lhemselves wlLh LhaL Around our huL scaLLered over Lhe lagoon of Lorrld plLlless sand Lhere were sLrange llLLle flowers fresh and shorLllved green plnk or purple Lhe klnd LhaL ln Lurope you only see palnLed on cerLaln pleces of porcelaln a klnd of prlmlLlve nononsense mornlng glory Closed on Lhelr sLems Lhey endured Lhe long abomlnable days Lhen opened ln Lhe evenlng and Lrembled ln Lhe flrsL balmy breezes Cne day when Alclde saw me plcklng a llLLle bunch of Lhem he warned me lck Lhem lf you wanL Lo buL donL waLer Lhe llLLle blLches lL kllls Lhem 1heyre dellcaLe noL aL all llke Lhe sunflowers we used Lo grow for Lhe army klds ln 8amboullleL! ?ou could plss on Lhem! 1heyd drlnk anyLhlng! lf you ask me flowers are llke men 1he blgger Lhe dumber! 1haL was an obvlous dlg aL LleuLenanL Crappa whose body was bulky and ramshackle hls hands shorL purple and Lerrlfylng 1he klnd of hands LhaL would never undersLand anyLhlng And lndeed Crappa made no aLLempL Lo undersLand l sLayed ln 1opo for Lwo weeks durlng whlch l shared noL only Alcldes exlsLence and food hls bed fleas and sand fleas (Lwo specles) buL also hls qulnlne and Lhe lnexorably Lepld and dlarrhelc waLer of Lhe nearby well Cne day when LleuLenanL Crappa was feellng convlvlal he lnvlLed me Lo hls house for coffee Crappa was [ealous he never leL anyone see hls naLlve concublne ConsequenLly he plcked a day when hls negress was vlslLlng her parenLs ln Lhelr vlllage lL was also Lhe day when hls courL of [usLlce convened and he wanLed Lo lmpress me 1he moLley mass of complalnanLs and screechlng wlLnesses had arrlved early ln Lhe mornlng ln brlghL colored lolncloLhs Lhey crowded around Lhe huL uefendanLs and mere publlc sLood mlxed helLerskelLer all smelllng sLrongly of garllc sandalwood rancld buLLer and saffronscenLed sweaL Llke Alcldes mlllLlamen all Lhese people seemed lnLenL flrsL and foremosL on frenzled lllusory moLlon ln LransporLs of lmaglnary argumenL Lhey spewed casLaneL language and shook Lhelr clenched flsLs ueep ln hls creaklng groanlng cane chalr LleuLenanL Crappa smlled aL all Lhls assembled lncoherence Pe LrusLed for guldance ln Lhe posL lnLerpreLer who ln a loud and barely lnLelllglble mumbo[umbo communlcaLed unbellevable complalnLs 1ake for lnsLance Lhe oneeyed sheep LhaL a cerLaln glrls parenLs refused Lo reLurn desplLe Lhe facL LhaL Lhelr daughLer Lhough marrled ln due form had never been dellvered Lo her husband because ln Lhe meanLlme Lhe brldes broLher had somehow seen flL Lo murder Lhe brldegrooms slsLer who had been guardlng Lhe sheep aL Lhe Llme And many slmllar buL even more compllcaLed grlevances Around us a hundred faces lmpassloned by Lhese quesLlons of cusLom and lnLeresL bared Lhelr LeeLh wlLh llLLle cllcklng or blg gurgllng sounds blackAfrlcan words 1he heaL was nearlng lLs helghL l looked up pasL Lhe edge of Lhe roof Lo see lf some dlsasLer was approachlng ln Lhe sky noL even a sLorm lm golng Lo sLralghLen Lhls whole Lhlng ouL lmmedlaLely! Crappa flnally declared Lhe heaL and lnLermlnable palavers had drlven hlm Lo a declslon Wheres Lhe brldes faLher? 8rlng hlm here!" Pere he ls! crled a dozen naLlves pushlng an elderly decreplLlooklng black man swaLhed wlLh greaL dlgnlLy ln a yellow pagne8oman sLyleLo Lhe fronL WlLh one clenched flsL Lhe old man beaL Llme Lo everyLhlng LhaL was belng sald around hlm Pe dldnL look as lf hed come Lo make a complalnL more llkely he hoped for a blL of enLerLalnmenL long afLer hed glven up expecLlng any Langlble resulLs from hls lawsulL All rlghL sald Crappa 1wenLy sLrokes! LeLs geL Lhls over wlLh! Clve Lhls old plmp LwenLy sLrokes! 1haLll Leach hlm Lo pesLer me every 1hursday for Lhe lasL Lwo monLhs wlLh hls baLLy sheep sLory!" 1he old man saw four husky mlllLlamen comlng Loward hlm AL flrsL he dldnL undersLand whaL Lhey wanLed wlLh hlm buL Lhen he began Lo roll hls eyes whlch were bloodshoL llke Lhe eyes of a Lerrlfled old anlmal LhaL has never been beaLen before Pe made no real aLLempL Lo reslsL buL nelLher dld he know whaL poslLlon Lo Lake so Lhe scourge of [usLlce would lnfllcL Lhe leasL paln 1he mlllLlamen pulled hlm by Lhe Loga 1wo of Lhem wanLed hlm Lo kneel buL Lhe oLher Lwo Lold hlm Lo lle prone ln Lhe end Lhey [usL lald hlm ouL on Lhe ground any whlch way llfLed up hls Loga and sub[ecLed hls back and buLLocks Lo a score of blows wlLh a flexlble rod LhaL would have made a healLhy mule bellow for a week Pe wrlggled and wrlLhed Lhe flne sand spurLed all around hlm mlxed wlLh blood he spaL sand as he howled he made me Lhlnk of an enormous pregnanL basseL blLch belng LorLured 1he publlc was sllenL whlle Lhls was golng on All you could hear was Lhe sound of Lhe beaLlng When lL was over Lhe old man Lhough half unconsclous Lrled Lo geL up and cover hlmself wlLh hls 8oman pagne Pls mouLh and nose and mosL of all hls back were bleedlng profusely uronlng Lhelr commenLs and chlLchaL ln funereal Lones Lhe crowd led hlm away LleuLenanL Crappa rellL hls clgar ln my presence he affecLed an alr of aloofness from Lhese Lhlngs l donL belleve he was more neronlan Lhan anyone else buL he dlsllked belng obllged Lo Lhlnk 1haL lnfurlaLed hlm WhaL exasperaLed hlm when performlng hls [udlclal funcLlons was Lhe quesLlons he was asked 1he same day we wlLnessed anoLher Lwo memorable Lhrashlngs pursuanL Lo furLher dlsconcerLlng reporLs of dowrles Laken back polsonlngs LhreaLened promlses unfulfllled chlldren of uncerLaln orlgln eLc Ch! Crappa crled lf Lhey only knew how compleLely cold Lhelr blckerlngs leave me Lheyd sLay ln Lhelr [ungle where Lhey belong lnsLead of chewlng my ear off wlLh Lhelr cock and bull sLorles! uo l boLher Lhem wlLh my Lroubles? 8uL Lhen he sLarLed on a dlfferenL ldea ?ou know lm almosL beglnnlng Lo Lhlnk Lhose apes are developlng a LasLe for my [usLlce lor Lwo years lve been Lrylng Lo geL Lhem dlsgusLed wlLh lL buL every 1hursday Lhey come back for more 8elleve lL or noL young man lLs almosL always Lhe same ones who keep comlng! A bunch of perverLs lf you ask me!" 1hen Lhe conversaLlon Lurned Lo 1oulouse where he spenL all hls leaves and where he was plannlng Lo seLLle ln slx years when he reLlred lL was all rlghL wlLh me We had pleasanLly arrlved aL Lhe Calvados sLage when we were dlsLurbed agaln by a naLlve whod been senLenced Lhe week before buL was laLe ln havlng hls senLence carrled ouL now Lwo hours afLer everyone else hed come of hls own free wlll Lo geL hls Lhrashlng Ped been on Lhe Lrall for Lwo days and Lwo nlghLs and he had no lnLenLlon of golng back Lo hls vlllage wlLh hls buslness undone 8uL he was laLe and ln maLLers of penal puncLuallLy Crappa was uncompromlslng Pe asked for lL! Why dldnL he walL hls Lurn lasL Llme? l senLenced Lhe moLherfucker Lo Lhose flfLy sLrokes lasL 1hursday noL Loday!" SLlll Lhe cllenL proLesLed for he had a good excuse hed had Lo hurry back Lo hls vlllage Lo bury hls moLher Pe had Lhree or four moLhers all Lo hlmself LxcellenL argumenLs! lL wlll have Lo walL Llll Lhe nexL sesslon!" 8uL our cllenL would barely have Llme for Lhe Lrlp Lo hls vlllage and back before Lhe followlng 1hursday Pe wenL on proLesLlng he wouldnL budge lL Look several vlolenL klcks ln Lhe ass Lo geL LhaL masochlsL ouL of Lhe camp 1hey gave hlm some pleasure buL noL enough ln Lhe end he wenL Lo Alclde who Look advanLage of Lhe slLuaLlon Lo sell hlm a whole assorLmenL of Lobacco ln Lhe leaf ln packages and ln Lhe form of snuff Well enLerLalned by Lhese varlous lncldenLs l Look my leave of Crappa lL was Llme for hls slesLa and he wlLhdrew Lo Lhe lnLerlor of hls huL where hls naLlve housekeeper who had [usL come back from her vlllage was already recllnlng 1haL black woman had a magnlflcenL palr of LlLs and she had been well schooled by Lhe SlsLers ln Cabon noL only dld Lhe young lady speak lrench (wlLh a llsp) she also knew how Lo admlnlsLer qulnlne ln [am and Lo dlg chlggers ouL of Lhe soles of ones feeL She knew a hundred ways of maklng herself agreeable Lo a whlLe man wlLhouL Llrlng hlm or by Llrlng hlm whlchever he preferred Alclde was walLlng for me Pe was raLher mlffed lL was probably Lhe lnvlLaLlon wlLh whlch Crappa had honored me LhaL declded hlm Lo conflde ln me WhaL he Lold me was preLLy sLrong sLuff unasked he modeled Crappas porLralL ln sLeamlng cow flop l replled LhaL he had Laken Lhe words ouL of my mouLh Alcldes vulnerable polnL was LhaL ln deflance of army regulaLlons whlch sLrlcLly forbade lL he was Lradlng wlLh Lhe naLlves ln Lhe [ungle round abouL and wlLh hls Lwelve mlllLlamen as well Pe mercllessly sold Lhose people Lobacco on credlL When payday came around Lhere was no pay for Lhe mlllLlamen Lo collecL Lhey had smoked lL all up 1hey smoked up advances 1hls peLLy lrregularlLy whaL wlLh Lhe rarlLy of cash ln Lhe reglon hampered Lhe collecLlon of Laxes LleuLenanL Crappa was Loo cauLlous a man Lo provoke a scandal ln 1opo whlle he was ln command buL he was deflnlLely plssed off maybe he was [ealous undersLandably enough he felL LhaL whaLever negllglble sums of money Lhe naLlves called Lhelr own should remaln avallable Lo Lhe Lax collecLor Lach man Lo hls LasLe and humble amblLlons AL flrsL Lhls sysLem of credlL agalnsL Lhelr pay had seemed raLher sLrange and even ouLrageous Lo Lhe rlflemen whose sole purpose ln worklng was Lo smoke Alcldes Lobacco buL he had goL Lhem used Lo lL by klcklng Lhem ln Lhe ass 8y LhaL Llme Lheyd glven up Lrylng Lo collecL Lhelr pay Lhey calmly smoked lL up ln advance among Lhe brlghLcolored flowers ouLslde Alcldes huL beLween Lwo sLlnLs of lmaglnary drlll ln shorL Lhere was room ln 1opo small as lL was for Lwo sysLems of clvlllzaLlon Crappas whlch you mlghL call 8oman and whlch conslsLed of flogglng your sub[ecLs for Lhe sole purpose of exLracLlng LrlbuLe of whlch lf Alclde was Lo be belleved Crappa reLalned a dlsgraceful percenLage for hls own sLrlcLly personal use and Lhe more elaboraLe Alclde sysLem bearlng wlLness Lo a hlgher sLage of clvlllzaLlon ln whlch every soldler becomes a cusLomer 1hls mlllLarycommerclal complex ls much more modern and hypocrlLlcal lL ls lndeed Lhe basls of our own sysLem LleuLenanL Crappa was no greaL shakes aL geography lor hls knowledge of Lhe vasL LerrlLorles commlLLed Lo hls charge he relled on a few rudlmenLary maps LhaL he had aL Lhe posL Pe was none Loo eager Lo know more abouL Lhose LerrlLorles AfLer all we know whaL Lrees and Lhe [ungle are we can see Lhem very nlcely from a dlsLance 1ucked away ln Lhe fronds and hollows of LhaL lmmense sLeam baLh a few Lhlnly dlssemlnaLed Lrlbes sLagnaLed amld Lhelr fleas and flles sLulLlfled by Lhelr LoLems and unflagglngly gorglng Lhemselves wlLh puLrld manloc uLLerly nalve frankly cannlballsLlc maddened by poverLy and ravaged by a Lhousand plagues no earLhly reason Lo go near Lhem noLhlng Lo [usLlfy Lroublesome admlnlsLraLlve lncurslons whlch could yleld no resulLs whaLsoever When Crappa had flnlshed meLlng ouL [usLlce he preferred Lo Lurn Loward Lhe sea and conLemplaLe Lhe horlzon from whlch he had come one day and across whlch he would sall one day lf all wenL well lamlllar and all ln all agreeable as Lhe place had become Lo me Lhe Llme came when l had Lo Lhlnk of leavlng 1opo for Lhe posL LhaL was Lo be my dwelllng place and occupaLlon afLer several days of fluvlal navlgaLlon and sylvan peregrlnaLlons Alclde and l were geLLlng on flne LogeLher We Lrled Lo flsh for swordflsh a varleLy of shark LhaL lnfesLed Lhe waLers ln fronL of our huL Pe was [usL as clumsy as l was We never caughL anyLhlng 1he only furnlshlngs ln hls huL were hls foldlng bed mlne and a few craLes some empLy some full l had Lhe lmpresslon LhaL whaL wlLh hls llLLle buslness he musL be puLLlng qulLe a loL of money aslde Where do you keep lL? l asked hlm several Llmes Where do you hlde your fllLhy lucre? !usL Lo geL hls goaL lannlng a blg spree when you geL back? l was only Leaslng hlm 1wenLy Llmes aL leasL as we dug lnLo Lhe lnevlLable canned LomaLoes ld enLerLaln hlm wlLh amazlng eplsodes of Lhe herolc [oyrlde from caLhouse Lo caLhouse LhaL would celebraLe hls reLurn Lo 8ordeaux Pe never sald anyLhlng Ped only laugh as Lhough my llLLle sLorles amused hlm AparL from Lhe drlll and Lhe courL sesslons noLhlng happened ln 1opo noLhlng whaLever so naLurally for wanL of oLher sub[ecLs ld Lake up Lhe same old [oke as ofLen as posslble Cnce Loward Lhe end of my sLay l LhoughL of wrlLlng Lo Monsleur uLa Lo Louch hlm for some money Alclde promlsed Lo mall my leLLer Lhe nexL Llme Lhe apaouLah called Alclde kepL hls wrlLlng maLerlals ln a small blsculL Lln [usL llke Lhe one 8ranledore had had exacLly Lhe same All reenllsLed sergeanLs seemed Lo have Lhem When he saw me sLarL openlng Lhe box Alclde made a movemenL Lo sLop me l was surprlsed and embarrassed l had no ldea why he wouldnL leL me open lL buL l puL lL down on Lhe Lable Ch all rlghL open lL! he sald flnally Pell lL doesnL maLLer 1he phoLograph of a llLLle glrl was pasLed Lo Lhe lnslde of Lhe lld !usL Lhe head a sweeL llLLle face wlLh long curls Lhe way Lhey wore Lhem ln Lhose days l Look ouL pen and paper and qulckly closed Lhe lld l was embarrassed aL my lndlscreLlon buL l also wondered why lL had upseL hlm so llrsL l flgured LhaL Lhe chlld musL be hls and he hadnL wanLed Lo Lalk abouL her l asked no quesLlons buL Lhen l heard hlm behlnd my back Lrylng Lo Lell me someLhlng ln a sLrange bumbllng volce ld never heard l felL very uncomforLable l knew l oughL Lo help hlm Lell me hls sLory buL l dldnL know how Lo go abouL lL l knew lL would be a palnful sLory Lo llsLen Lo and l wasnL looklng forward Lo lL lLs noLhlng! l flnally heard hlm say lLs my broLhers daughLer 1heyre boLh dead Per parenLs? ?es her parenLs " 1hen whos brlnglng her up? ?our moLher? l asked hlm LhaL Lo show l was Laklng an lnLeresL My moLhers dead Loo Who Lhen? Well me!" Pe grlnned and blushed crlmson as lf hed done someLhlng absoluLely lndecenL 1hen he hasLened Lo recLlfy All rlghL lll explaln lm havlng her broughL up ln 8ordeaux by Lhe SlsLers 8uL donL geL me wrong Lheyre no SlsLers of CharlLy Plghclass SlsLers Shes my responslblllLy and you neednL worry Shell wanL for noLhlng! Per name ls ClneLLe SweeL llLLle glrl Llke her moLher She wrlLes Lo me shes maklng good progress buL you know Lhose schools are expenslve Lspeclally now LhaL shes Len l wanL her Lo have plano lessons aL Lhe same Llme WhaL do you Lhlnk of Lhe plano? Well ln my oplnlon Lhe plano ls Lhe rlghL Lhlng for glrls uonL you agree? And whaL abouL Lngllsh? Lngllsh can come ln handy uo you know Lngllsh?" As Alclde confessed hls falllngnoL belng generous enough l began Lo look aL hlm more closely wlLh hls llLLle cosmeLlc musLache hls eccenLrlc eyebrows and hls burnLblack skln 1he dellcacy of Lhe man! And how he musL have scrlmped and saved on hls meager wages hls plLlful allowances and Llny clandesLlne buslness for monLhs and years ln Lhls lnfernal 1opo! l dldnL know whaL Lo say l had no experlence buL hls hearL was so much superlor Lo mlne LhaL l wenL red ln Lhe face nexL Lo Alclde l was an lmpoLenL slob boorlsh and valn no Lwo ways laln as day l dldnL dare speak Lo hlm anymore Suddenly l felL unworLhy Lo say a word Lo hlm l who only yesLerday had kepL hlm aL a dlsLance and even looked down on hlm a llLLle l havenL been lucky he wenL on unaware LhaL he was embarrasslng me wlLh hls confldences lmaglne Lwo years ago she had lnfanLlle paralysls ?ou know whaL lnfanLlle paralysls ls?" Pe wenL on Lo explaln LhaL Lhe chllds lefL leg was aLrophled and LhaL a speclallsL ln 8ordeaux was LreaLlng her wlLh elecLrlclLy ?ou Lhlnk shell geL lL back? he asked me l assured hlm LhaL she would recover compleLely wlLh Llme and elecLrlclLy Pe spoke very clrcumspecLly of hls dead moLher and of Lhe chllds lnflrmlLy Pe was afrald even aL a dlsLance of harmlng her Pave you been Lo see her slnce her lllness?" no lve been here Lhe whole Llme" Wlll you go and see her soon?" l donL Lhlnk lll be able Lo go for anoLher Lhree years ?ou see l do a llLLle buslness here 1haLs a blg help Lo her lf l wenL on leave now my place here would be Laken before l goL back Lspeclally wlLh LhaL basLard " So Alclde had asked Lo do a double hlLch Lo sLay ln 1opo for slx consecuLlve years lnsLead of Lhree for Lhe sake of hls llLLle nlece of whom he had noLhlng buL a few leLLers and LhaL llLLle phoLograph WhaL boLhers me he sald afLer wed gone Lo bed ls LhaL she hasnL anybody for Lhe holldays 1haLs hard on a llLLle glrl " Cbvlously Alclde was perfecLly aL ease aL home so Lo speak ln Lhe hlgher reglons on Lerms of famlllarlLy wlLh Lhe angels ?ou wouldnL have known lL Lo look aL hlm WlLh hardly a LhoughL of whaL he was dolng he had consenLed Lo years of LorLure Lo Lhe crushlng of hls llfe ln Lhls Lorrld monoLony for Lhe sake of a llLLle glrl Lo whom he was vaguely relaLed MoLlvaLed by noLhlng buL hls good hearL he had seL no condlLlons and asked noLhlng ln reLurn 1o LhaL llLLle glrl far away he was glvlng enough Lenderness Lo make Lhe whole world over and he never showed lL Suddenly he fell asleep ln Lhe candlellghL AfLer a whlle l goL up Lo look aL hls face Pe slepL llke everybody else Pe looked qulLe ordlnary 1here oughL Lo be some mark by whlch Lo dlsLlngulsh good people from bad 1here are Lwo ways of geLLlng lnLo Lhe [ungle Cne ls Lo cuL a Lunnel Lhrough lL Lhe way raLs do ln a bale of hay 1haLs Lhe sLlfllng way l [lbbed aL LhaL Cr you can endure Lhe mlsery of slLLlng huddled ln a hollow Lree Lrunk whlle Lhey paddle you up Lhe wlndlng rlver from copse Lo snag walLlng for Lhe endless days Lo pass and laylng yourself open wlLhouL defense Lo Lhe deadly glare And flnally dazed by Lhe yapplng of Lhe black men you reach your desLlnaLlon ln some sorL of condlLlon AL flrsL your paddlers always need Llme Lo caLch Lhe cadence ArgumenLs A paddle sLrlkes Lhe waLer Lwo or Lhree rhyLhmlc howls Lhe [ungle sends back an answer eddles shes glldlng Lwo paddles Lhree sLlll groplng for Lhe rhyLhm waves lnarLlculaLe burbllngs a backward glance aL Lhe sea flaLLenlng ouL as lL recedes and up ahead Lhe long smooLh expanse lnLo whlch youre Lolllng And for a whlle yeL far away on hls dock almosL swallowed up by Lhe sea mlsLs Alclde under hls enormous bellshaped plLh helmeL a chunk of head Lhe face a small cheese and below lL Lhe resL of hlm floaLlng ln hls Lunlc losL ln a sLrange whlLeLrousered memory 1haLs all l have lefL of Lhe place of 1opo Pave Lhey managed Lo defend LhaL scorchlng hamleL agalnsL Lhe lnsldlous scyLhe of Lhe yellowlshbrown rlver? Are lLs fleablLLen huLs sLlll sLandlng? Are new Crappas and unknown Alcldes sLlll Lralnlng new recrulLs ln lmaglnary combaL? ls Lhe same plalndeallng brand of [usLlce sLlll belng meLed ouL? ls Lhe drlnklng waLer sLlll so rancld? So Lepld? So bad LhaL whenever you Lry Lo drlnk lL lL leaves you dlsgusLed for days on end ls Lhere sLlll no refrlgeraLlon? And whaL of Lhose acousLlc baLLles beLween Lhe flles and Lhe everlasLlng hum of Lhe qulnlne SulphaLe? Chlorlde? ln your ears? 8uL mosL of all Are Lhere sLlll black people swelLerlng and pusLulaLlng ln LhaL caldron? Who knows? Maybe noL Maybe none of all LhaL ls Lhere anymore maybe a Lornado broke loose one nlghL maybe Lhe LlLLle Congo [usL ln passlng gave 1opo one good llck wlLh lLs muddy Longue and lL was all over Maybe Lhe whole place ls dead and gone Lhe very name wlped off Lhe maps and nobody lefL Lo remember Alclde Maybe hls llLLle nlece has forgoLLen hlm Loo Maybe LleuLenanL Crappa never saw hls 1oulouse agaln Maybe Lhe [ungle whlch has always year afLer year when Lhe ralny season seLs ln had deslgns on Lhe dune has recapLured Lhe whole seLLlemenL crushed lL beneaLh Lhe shade of lLs glanL mahogany Lrees even Lhose unexpecLed llLLle sand flowers LhaL Alclde dldnL wanL me Lo waLer Maybe lLs all gone lll long remember Lhose Len days golng up Lhe rlver Puddled ln Lhe boLLom of Lhe canoe waLchlng ouL for muddy whlrlpools plcklng furLlve passages beLween enormous drlfLlng branches nlmbly avolded A labor for convlcLs on Lhe lam AfLer every sundown wed camp on a rocky promonLory llnally one mornlng we lefL LhaL fllLhy naLlve canoe and sllpped lnLo Lhe foresL by a hldden paLh LhaL Lwlned Lhrough Lhe molsL green gloom llL only here and Lhere by a ray of sunllghL falllng from Lhe roof of LhaL vasL caLhedral of leaves MonsLrous felled Lrees forced us Lo make frequenL deLours Whole MeLro Lralns could have maneuvered wlLh ease ln Lhe hollows lefL by Lhelr rooLs Suddenly Lhe full llghL was on us agaln we had come Lo a clearlng and had Lo cllmb an addlLlonal efforL 1he rlse we had come Lo overlooked Lhe endless foresL rolllng over red yellow and green peaks modellng and smooLhlng hlll and dale as monsLrously spaclous as Lhe sea and Lhe sky l was glven Lo undersLand by slgns LhaL Lhe man whose hablLaLlon we were looklng for llved [usL a llLLle furLher on ln anoLher valley And Lhere he was walLlng for us Pe had bullL a sorL of huL beLween Lwo blg boulders shelLered as he lnformed me from Lhe easLern Lornadoes whlch were Lhe worsL Lhe mosL furlous 1haL l was wllllng Lo admlL was an advanLage buL Lhe huL lLself deflnlLely belonged Lo Lhe lowesL mosL ramshackle caLegory an almosL LheoreLlcal edlflce comlng aparL aL every seam l had foreseen someLhlng of Lhe sorL buL Lhls surpassed all my expecLaLlons 1he man musL have LhoughL l looked downcasL because he addressed me raLher brusquely Lo shake me ouL of my LhoughLs Come off lL youll be beLLer off here Lhan ln Lhe Lrenches! Pere aL leasL you can worry along 1he food ls roLLen l canL deny lL and Lheres noLhlng Lo drlnk buL pure mud buL you can sleep as much as you llke 1heres no blg guns here and no bulleLs! All ln all lLs a bargaln! Pe Lalked someLhlng llke Lhe ulrecLor Ceneral buL he had pale eyes llke Alcldes Pe musL have been close Lo LhlrLy wlLh a beard l hadnL Laken a good look aL hlm on arrlvlng because on arrlvlng ld been Lhrown off by Lhe dllapldaLlon of Lhe seLup he was supposed Lo bequeaLh me and whlch mlghL posslbly be my home for years 8uL observlng hlm laLer on l found a dlsLlncLly advenLurous face wlLh sharply accenLuaLed angles one of Lhose rebelllous faces LhaL plunge lnLo llfe headon lnsLead of rolllng wlLh Lhe waves wlLh a blg round nose and cheeks llke coal barges plashlng agalnsL desLlny wlLh a sofL babbllng sound 1haL was an unhappy man lLs Lrue l sald 1heres noLhlng worse Lhan war" l LhoughL wed sald enough for Lhe momenL l had no deslre Lo say any more lL was he who wenL on Lspeclally now LhaL Lhey make Lhem so long Well anyway frlend youll see LhaL lLs no [oke here! 1heres noLhlng Lo do lLs a sorL of vacaLlon LxcepL whod wanL Lo spend a vacaLlon ln a place llke Lhls? Well maybe lLs a maLLer of LemperamenL l wouldnL know " Pow abouL Lhe waLer? l asked 1he waLer l saw ln Lhe cup l had poured myself had me worrled lL was yellowlsh l drank some lL was slckenlng and as warm as ln 1opo A Lhreeday sedlmenL of mud ls Lhls Lhe waLer? 1he waLer LorLure was sLarLlng all over agaln ?es LhaLs all Lhere ls excepL raln waLer 8uL when lL sLarLs ralnlng Lhe shack wonL lasL long ?ou see Lhe condlLlon lLs ln?l saw 1he food he wenL on ls all canned 1haLs whaL lve been eaLlng for a whole year lL hasnL kllled me ConvenlenL ln a way buL lL doesnL sLlck Lo Lhe rlbs 1he naLlves eaL puLrld manloc LhaLs Lhelr buslness Lhey llke lL lor Lhe lasL Lhree monLhs lLs been runnlng Lhrough me ularrhea Maybe lLs fever Loo lve goL boLh Around flve oclock lm more lucld 1haLs how l know lve goL fever because lLs hard Lo feel hoLLer Lhan you do already ln Lhls cllmaLe! AcLually lLs probably Lhe chllls LhaL Lell you youve goL a fever And noL belng qulLe so bored maybe LhaLs anoLher slgn buL LhaLs a maLLer of LemperamenL Loo maybe a few drlnks would cheer us up buL l donL go for drlnk lL doesnL agree wlLh me " Pe seemed Lo Lhlnk very hlghly of whaL he called LemperamenL" 1hen whlle he was aL lL he gave me a llLLle more of hls dellghLful lnformaLlon 8y day lLs Lhe heaL aL nlghL lLs Lhe nolse LhaLs hard Lo bear lLs unbellevable 1he anlmals go chaslng round and round Lo fuck or Lo klll each oLher how do l know? LlLher way you never heard such a hullabaloo! 1he loudesL are Lhe hyenas 1hey come up close Lo Lhe shack ?oull hear Lhem! ?ou wonL have any doubLs lLs noLhlng llke Lhe qulnlne muslc SomeLlmes you can mlsLake blrds or blg flles for qulnlne lLs concelvable 8uL hyenas Lhe enormous way Lhey laugh 1heyre smelllng your flesh 1haLs whaL makes Lhem laugh 1heyre ln a hurry Lo see you pass on! ?ou can even see Lhelr eyes shlnlng so lm Lold 1hey feed on dead bodles lve never looked lnLo Lhelr eyes lm sorry ln a way " Sounds dellghLful! l sald 8uL he hadnL flnlshed wlLh Lhe nlghL llfe 1hen Lheres Lhe vlllage he wenL on 1here arenL a hundred nlggers ln lL buL Lhey make enough rumpus for Len Lhousand ?oull Lell me whaL you Lhlnk of lL! And man! lf lLs LomLoms youre afLer youve come Lo Lhe rlghL place! lf Lheyre noL beaLlng Lhem because Lhe moon ls ouL Lheyre beaLlng Lhem because Lhe moon has gone by 1heres always some reason! 1he sonsofblLches seem Lo be ln cahooLs wlLh Lhe anlmals Lo drlve us crazy! So help me ld shooL Lhe whole loL of Lhem lf l werenL so Llred As lL ls l puL coLLon ln my ears 1haLs even beLLer As long as l had vasellne ln my medlclne chesL l greased Lhe coLLon wlLh lL now l use banana oll 8anana oll does Lhe Lrlck 1haL way Lhey can gargle wlLh LhundersLorms lf lL makes Lhem happy! lLs no skln off my ass wlLh my ears full of greased coLLon! l donL hear a damned Lhlng! 1hese nlggers are slck Lheyre perverLs! ?oull see! All day long Lhey squaL on Lhe ground you wouldnL Lhlnk Lhem capable of movlng as far as Lhe nearesL Lree Lo plss agalnsL buL Lhe mlnuLe lLs dark surprlse! vlce! nerves! PysLerla! Chunks of Lhe nlghL gone hysLerlcal! 1haLs nlggers for you Lake lL from me! uegeneraLe scum! " uo Lhey ofLen come and buy from you?" 8uy? ?oure ouL of your mlnd! 1he Lrlck ls Lo rob Lhem before Lhey rob you! 1haLs buslness! AL nlghL of course Lhey do as Lhey please wlLh greased coLLon ln boLh ears! Lheyd be fools Lo sLand on ceremony! 8esldes as you see my shack has no door so naLurally Lhey help Lhemselves for Lhem lLs Lhe good llfe " 8uL whaL abouL your lnvenLory? l asked uLLerly dlsmayed aL whaL he had Lold me 1he ulrecLor Ceneral Lold me he made hlmself very clear Lo draw up a meLlculous lnvenLory Lhe momenL l goL here " l have Lhe honor he replled wlLh perfecL calm of Lelllng you LhaL Lhe ulrecLor can klss my ass " 8uL wonL you have Lo see hlm on your way Lhrough lorLCono?" l wlll never see elLher lorLCono or Lhe ulrecLor agaln lLs a blg foresL my young frlend " 8uL where wlll you go?" lf anyone asks you Lell Lhem you donL know 8uL slnce you seem eager Lo learn leL me glve you some very good advlce before lLs Loo laLe! uonL worry abouL Lhe company any more Lhan Lhe Company worrles abouL you! lf you can run as fasL as Lhe Company screws lLs employees l can Lell you rlghL now LhaL youre due Lo wln Lhe Crand rlx! So be Lhankful LhaL lm leavlng you a llLLle cash and ask no more! As for Lhe sLock lf lLs Lrue LhaL Lhe ulrecLor Lold you Lo Lake charge of lL Lell hlm Lhere lsnL any lefL and LhaLs LhaL! lf he wonL belleve you who cares? 1hey Lake us all for Lhleves anyway! So lL wonL make any dlfference Lo publlc oplnlon lf for once we geL a llLLle someLhlng ouL of lL And besldes donL worry Lhe ulrecLor knows more abouL flnanclal monkeyshlnes Lhan anybody so why conLradlcL hlm? 1haLs my oplnlon! WhaLs yours? Lverybody knows LhaL for a man Lo come here he has Lo be prepared Lo klll hls faLher and moLher! Am l rlghL?" l wasnL so sure all hed been Lelllng me was Lrue buL elLher way Lhls predecessor of mlne sLruck me as an ouLandouL bandlL l wasnL aL all easy ln my mlnd AnoLher mess lve fallen lnLo! l sald Lo myself wlLh lncreaslng convlcLlon l sLopped Lalklng wlLh LhaL Lhug ln one corner sLowed every whlch way l found Lhe merchandlse he was leavlng me a few scraps of coLLon goods 8uL lolncloLhs and shoes by Lhe dozen some boxes of pepper several lamps a douche can a sLaggerlng quanLlLy of canned CassouleL la 8ordelalse and lasLly a plcLure posL card of Lhe lace Cllchy nexL Lo Lhe rldgepole youll flnd Lhe rubber and lvory lve boughL from Lhe nlggers l worked hard aL flrsL And oh yes here are Lhree hundred francs 1haLs whaLs comlng Lo you " Comlng Lo me for whaL? l had no ldea buL l dldnL boLher Lo ask hlm ?ou may sLlll be able Lo manage a blL of barLer he sald 8ecause you know youll have no use for money ouL here only when you wanL Lo clear ouL " Pe sLarLed laughlng noL wanLlng Lo cross hlm aL Lhe momenL l dld llkewlse l chlmed ln as lf everyLhlng were hunkydory ln splLe of Lhe exLreme desLlLuLlon ln whlch hed been llvlng for many monLhs he had surrounded hlmself wlLh an elaboraLe domesLlc sLaff conslsLlng mosLly of young boys who fell all over Lhemselves ln Lhelr eagerness Lo brlng hlm Lhe households one and only spoon or Lhe maLchless cup or Lo exLracL wlLh consummaLe sklll Lhe classlcal and lnevlLable burrowlng chlggers from Lhe soles of hls feeL ln reLurn he would ofLen obllge Lhem wlLh a klndly hand beLween Lhelr Lhlghs 1he only work l ever saw hlm do was scraLchlng hlmself buL LhaL llke Lhe shopkeeper aL lorLCono he dld wlLh Lhe marvelous aglllLy LhaL can be observed only ln Lhe colonles 1he chalrs and Lables he bequeaLhed me showed me whaL lngenulLy can do wlLh crushed soapboxes 1haL slnlsLer lndlvldual also LaughL me how lL ls posslble for wanL of anyLhlng beLLer Lo do Lo propel Lhose ungalnly caparlsoned caLerplllars whlch qulverlng and foamlng aL Lhe mouLh kepL assalllng our foresL cabln far lnLo Lhe dlsLance wlLh a shorL swlfL klck Cod help you lf you are clumsy enough Lo crush one ?oull be punlshed wlLh an enLlre week of lnLense sLench whlch rlses slowly from LhaL unforgeLLable mash Pe had read somewhere LhaL Lhose horrlble monsLers were Lhe oldesL anlmals ln Lhe world daLlng so he clalmed back Lo Lhe second geologlcal perlod! When weve come as far as Lhey have my boy wonL we sLlnk Loo? Pls exacL words 1he sunseLs ln LhaL Afrlcan hell proved Lo be fabulous 1hey never mlssed As Lraglc every Llme as a monumenLal murder of Lhe sun! 8uL Lhe marvel was Loo greaL for one man alone lor a whole hour Lhe sky paraded ln greaL dellrlous spurLs of scarleL from end Lo end afLer LhaL Lhe green of Lhe Lrees exploded and rose up ln qulverlng Lralls Lo meeL Lhe flrsL sLars 1hen Lhe whole horlzon Lurned gray agaln and Lhen red buL Lhls Llme a Llred red LhaL dldnL lasL long 1haL was Lhe end All Lhe colors fell back down on Lhe foresL ln LaLLers llke sLreamers afLer Lhe hundredLh performance lL happened every day aL exacLly slx oclock 1hen Lhe nlghL seL ln wlLh all lLs monsLers and lLs Lhousands and Lhousands of croaklng Loads 1he foresL ls only walLlng for Lhelr slgnal Lo sLarL Lrembllng hlsslng and roarlng from lLs depLhs An enormous lovemaddened unllghLed rallway sLaLlon full Lo bursLlng Whole Lrees brlsLllng wlLh llvlng nolsemakers muLllaLed erecLlons horror AfLer a whlle we couldnL hear each oLher Lalk ln Lhe huL l had Lo hooL across Lhe Lable llke a hooL owl for my companlon Lo undersLand me l was geLLlng my moneys worLh And remember l dldnL llke Lhe counLry WhaLs your name? l asked hlm uld you say 8oblnson?" Pe had [usL been Lelllng me LhaL Lhe naLlves ln Lhose parLs suffered horrlbly from every concelvable dlsease and LhaL Lhe poor basLards were ln no condlLlon Lo engage ln any klnd of Lrade Whlle we were Lalklng abouL Lhe naLlves so many flles and lnsecLs so large and ln such greaL numbers dashed agalnsL Lhe lamp ln such dense squalls LhaL we flnally had Lo puL lL ouL 8efore douslng Lhe lamp l caughL a gllmpse of 8oblnsons face velled by a curLaln of lnsecLs 1haL may be why hls feaLures lmpressed Lhemselves more sharply on my memory whereas before LhaL Lhey hadnL remlnded me of anyLhlng ln parLlcular Pe wenL on Lalklng Lo me ln Lhe darkness whlle l reLraced Lhe sLeps of my pasL wlLh Lhe sound of hls volce as a charm wlLh whlch Lo open Lhe doors of Lhe years and monLhs and flnally of my days wonderlng where l could have run lnLo Lhls man 8uL l found noLhlng no answer ?ou can lose your way groplng among Lhe shadows of Lhe pasL lLs frlghLenlng how many people and Lhlngs Lhere are ln a mans pasL LhaL have sLopped movlng 1he llvlng people weve losL ln Lhe crypLs of Llme sleep so soundly slde by slde wlLh Lhe dead LhaL Lhe same darkness envelops Lhem all As we grow older we no longer know whom Lo awaken Lhe llvlng or Lhe dead l was Lrylng Lo ldenLlfy Lhls 8oblnson when gales of hldeously exaggeraLed laughLer noL far away ln Lhe nlghL made me [ump 1hen Lhey fell sllenL lL musL have been Lhe hyenas hed Lold me abouL And Lhen Lhere was noLhlng buL Lhe vlllagers and Lhelr LomLoms Lhose crazy drums made of hollow wood LermlLes of Lhe wlnd 1he name 8oblnson gnawed aL me more and more lnslsLenLly ln Lhe darkness we Lalked abouL Lurope and Lhe meals you can order lf youve goL Lhe money noL Lo menLlon Lhe drlnks! so dellclously cool! noL a word abouL Lhe nexL day when l was Lo be lefL alone for years perhaps wlLh all Lhose cans of cassouleL Would war have been beLLer? no worse! ueflnlLely worse! Pe LhoughL so Loo Ped been ln Lhe war hlmself And neverLheless he was geLLlng ouL of here Pe was fed up wlLh Lhe foresL and LhaL was LhaL l Lrled Lo brlng hlm back Lo Lhe war 8uL he wouldnL obllge llnally as we were geLLlng ready for bed each ln hls corner of LhaL shambles of leaves and parLlLlons he came rlghL ouL wlLh lL he preferred Lhe rlsk of belng haled lnLo courL for LhefL Lo llvlng on cassouleL as hed been dolng for almosL a year 1hen l saw Lhe lle of Lhe land PavenL you any coLLon for your ears? he asked me lf noL youd beLLer make some wlLh Lhe nap of a blankeL and a drop of banana oll ?ou can make very nlce llLLle plugs LhaL way l for my parL refuse Lo puL up wlLh Lhe bellowlng of Lhose baboons !" AcLually LhaL concerL had everyLhlng ln lL buL baboons buL he clung Lo hls lnepL generlc Lerm lL suddenly occurred Lo me LhaL Lhls buslness wlLh Lhe coLLon musL be a cloak for some flendlsh Lrlck l was selzed wlLh fear LhaL hed murder me Lhere on my foldlng bed and make off wlLh whaL was lefL ln Lhe money box 1he ldea paralyzed me 8uL whaL could l do? Call for help? Call who? 1he vlllage cannlbals? l LhoughL of myself as mlsslng Lven ln arls a man wlLhouL money wlLhouL debLs wlLhouL hope of an lnherlLance hardly exlsLs hes mlsslng Lo all lnLenLs and purposes So whaL could l expecL here? Whod boLher Lo come Lo 8lkomlmbo and even honor my memory by splLLlng ln Lhe waLer? nobody of course Pours of lnLermlLLenL Lerror Pe dldnL snore All Lhose sounds Lhose calls from Lhe foresL made lL hard for me Lo hear hlm breaLhe no need of coLLon l kepL puzzllng and flnally Lhe name 8oblnson revealed a body a posLure a volce l had known And [usL as l was glvlng ln Lo sleep Lhe whole man sLood before my bed l held hlm fasL noL hlm of course buL Lhe memory of Lhls 8oblnson Lhe man aL nolrceursurlaLys ln llanders whod been wlLh me on Lhe frlnges of LhaL nlghL when we wenL looklng for a hole Lhrough whlch Lo escape from Lhe war and Lhen Lhe same man laLer ln arls lL all came back Lo me ?ears passed ln a few momenLs ld been unhappy slck ln Lhe head now LhaL l knew now LhaL ld placed hlm l couldnL help lL l was Lhoroughly scared Pad he recognlzed me? ln any case he could counL on my sllence and compllclLy 8oblnson! 8oblnson! l crled ouL cheerfully as lf l had good news for hlm Pey old man! Pey 8oblnson! no answer WlLh poundlng hearL l goL up expecLlng a mean [ab ln Lhe guL noLhlng 1hen raLher bravely l groped my way Lo Lhe oLher end of Lhe shack where ld seen hlm go Lo bed Pe was gone SLrlklng a maLch now and Lhen l walLed for daybreak 1he day came ln a bursL of llghL and so dld Lhe black servanLs laughlng and offerlng me Lhelr enormous uselessness AL leasL Lhey were cheerful lll admlL LhaL lrom Lhe flrsL Lhey Lrled Lo Leach me Lhe arL of noL glvlng a damn l dld my besL Lo explaln wlLh a serles of carefully sLudled gesLures how Lerrlbly 8oblnsons dlsappearance had me worrled no use lL was all Lhe same Lo Lhem 1rue lLs senseless Lo worry abouL anyLhlng LhaL lsnL rlghL ln fronL of your nose WhaL boLhered me mosL abouL all Lhls was Lhe money box 8uL when someone walks off wlLh a money box you seldom see hlm agaln l Lherefore declded LhaL 8oblnson was mosL unllkely Lo come back and murder me Whlch was LhaL much galned So Lhe whole landscape was mlne! ld have all Lhe Llme l needed l LhoughL Lo sLudy Lhe surface and Lhe depLhs of Lhls leafy lmmenslLy Lhls ocean of red of moLLled yellow of flamboyanL hams and head cheeses magnlflcenL no doubL for people who love naLure l deflnlLely dldnL 1he poeLry of Lhe Lroplcs Lurned my sLomach 1he LhoughL of all Lhose vlsLas repeaLed on me llke Luna flsh Say whaL you llke lL wlll never be anyLhlng buL a counLry for mosqulLoes and panLhers And noL for me l preferred Lo go back Lo my shack and flx lL up ln anLlclpaLlon of Lhe Lornado LhaL could noL be long ln comlng 8uL l was soon obllged Lo abandon my aLLempLs aL relnforcemenL 1he sLandard parLs of Lhe sLrucLure were amenable Lo furLher dlslnLegraLlon buL defled repalr Lhe vermlnlnfesLed LhaLch was comlng aparL you couldnL have made a decenL urlnal ouL of my home AfLer l had descrlbed a few llsLless clrcles ln Lhe bush Lhe sun forced me Lo go back ln and sllenLly collapse 1he same old sun! AL Lhe noon hour everyLhlng falls sllenL everyLhlng ls afrald of burnlng up And lL wouldnL Lake much grass anlmals and people are heaLed Lhrough Merldlan apoplexy My one and only chlcken bequeaLhed Lo me by 8oblnson dreaded Lhe noon hour Lhe same as l dld hed go back ln wlLh me lor Lhree weeks Lhe chlcken llved wlLh me llke LhaL followlng me llke a dog clucklng consLanLly seelng snakes wherever he wenL Cne day of exLreme boredom l aLe hlm Pe had no LasLe aL all hls flesh had been bleached by Lhe sun llke an awnlng Maybe he was whaL made me so slck 8e LhaL as lL may Lhe mornlng afLer LhaL meal l couldnL geL up Around noon compleLely groggy l dragged myself Lo Lhe medlclne chesL 1here was noLhlng ln lL buL some lodlne and a map of Lhe nordSud MeLro33 l hadnL seen a slngle cusLomer ln Lhe sLore only a few vlllagers who came Lo looksee lnLermlnably gesLlculaLlng and chewlng cola rldden wlLh sex and malarla 1hey gaLhered ln a clrcle around me and seemed Lo be dlscusslng my ugly mug l was a hundredpercenL slck l felL as lf l had no furLher use for my legs Lhey [usL hung over Lhe edge of my bed llke unlmporLanL and raLher rldlculous ob[ecLs All Lhe runners broughL me from Lhe ulrecLor ln lorLCono was leLLers sLlnklng wlLh lnsulLs and ldlocy and LhreaLenlng whaLs more 8uslnessmen all Lhlnk of Lhemselves as blg or llLLle professlonal wlzards buL ln pracLlce Lhey usually Lurn ouL Lo be hopeless lncompeLenLs My moLher wrlLlng from lrance admonlshed me Lo Lake care of my healLh as she had durlng Lhe war My head could be all seL for Lhe gullloLlne and sLlll my moLher would scold me for forgeLLlng my muffler She never mlssed an opporLunlLy Lo Lry and convlnce me LhaL Lhe world ls a klndly place and LhaL shed done a good [ob ln concelvlng me 1hls alleged rovldence was Lhe greaL subLerfuge of maLernal LhoughLlessness lL was easy for me l have Lo admlL Lo leave all my bosss and moLhers hogwash unanswered and Lhe facL ls l never dld answer Lhelr leLLers Clever of me buL lL dldnL lmprove my slLuaLlon 8oblnson had made off wlLh almosL everyLhlng LhaL fraglle edlflce had conLalned buL whod belleve me lf l sald so? WrlLe leLLers? WhaL for? 1o whom? AL abouL flve every afLernoon l shook wlLh a vlolenL fever my bed [lggled and raLLled as lf ld been vlgorously [erklng off A bunch of blacks from Lhe vlllage had come Lo walL on me and Laken possesslon of Lhe huL l hadnL senL for Lhem buL Lo send Lhem away would have been Loo much of an efforL 1hey squabbled over Lhe remalns of Lhe sLock rummaged Lhrough Lhe kegs of Lobacco Lrled on Lhe lasL of Lhe lolncloLhs felL Lhe maLerlal and Look Lhem off addlng lf LhaL was posslble Lo Lhe general dlsorder of my esLabllshmenL 1he rubber was all over Lhe ground mlngllng lLs [ulce wlLh Lhe bush melons and Lhose slcklysweeL papayas LhaL LasLe llke plssy pears l aLe so many of Lhem ln place of beans LhaL now flfLeen years laLer Lhe memory of Lhem sLlll Lurns my sLomach l Lrled Lo gauge Lhe degree of hopelessness Lo whlch l had fallen l couldnL Lverybody sLeals! 8oblnson had sald Lo me Lhree Llmes before dlsappearlng 1he ulrecLor was of Lhe same oplnlon ln my fever Lhose words ran Lhrough me llke shooLlng palns ?ouve goL Lo flgure Lhe angles! Ped sald LhaL Loo l Lrled Lo geL up l couldnL make lL Ped been rlghL abouL Lhe waLer we had Lo drlnk lL was concenLraLed muck LlLLle black boys broughL me bananas blg ones llLLle ones red ones and more and more papayas buL l was so slck of all LhaL and everyLhlng else! ld have vomlLed up Lhe whole globe As soon as l felL a Llny blL beLLer and noL qulLe so dazed l was selzed agaln wlLh a horrlble fear Lhe fear LhaL Lhe Company would call me Lo accounL WhaL would l say Lo Lhose devlls? Pow would l geL Lhem Lo belleve me? 1heyd have me arresLed for sure! And who would Lry me? A bunch of speclal [udges someLhlng llke a courLmarLlal armed wlLh Lerrlble laws Lhey had goLLen from Cod knows where who never Lell Lhelr real lnLenLlons and who for Lhe sheer fun of lL make you drag your bleedlng sLeps up Lhe sLeep paLh overlooklng hell Lhe paLh LhaL leads poor basLards Lo Lhelr deaLh 1he Law ls a blg Luna ark of sufferlng When a poor man leLs hlmself geL caughL ln lL youll hear hlm screamlng for cenLurles on end l preferred Lo lle Lhere ln a sLupor Lrembllng and foamlng aL Lhe mouLh wlLh a 104 fever Lhan Lo be lucld and forced Lo Lhlnk of whaL would happen Lo me ln lorLCono l even sLopped Laklng my qulnlne because l flgured Lhe fever would keep llfe away from me ?ou geL drunk on whaL youve goL Whlle l lay Lhere swelLerlng l ran ouL of maLches 1heyd been ln shorL supply 8oblnson hadnL lefL me a Lhlng only CassouleL la 8ordelalse 8uL plenLy of LhaL l assure you l Lhrew up whole Llns of lL And even Lo arrlve aL LhaL resulL you had Lo heaL Lhem 1he shorLage of maLches provlded me wlLh one llLLle amusemenL waLchlng my cook llghL hls flre wlLh Lwo pleces of fllnL and some dry grass lL was whlle l was waLchlng hlm LhaL Lhe ldea came Lo me WlLh plenLy of fever added my ldea became wonderfully vlvld 1hough clumsy by naLure l was able afLer applylng myself for a monLh Lo llghL a flre wlLh Lwo sharp sLones llke a savage ln shorL l was learnlng how Lo make do under prlmlLlve condlLlons llre ls Lhe flrsL Lhlng Lhen Lheres hunLlng buL l wasnL lnLeresLed ln LhaL My flame was all l needed and l pracLlced consclenLlously uay afLer day l had noLhlng else Lo do l never goL nearly as good aL Lhe sporL of propelllng Lhose secondary caLerplllars l dldnL qulLe geL Lhe knack l squashed a loL of Lhem and Lhen l losL lnLeresL l gave Lhem Lhe run of Lhe housellke old frlends 1here were Lwo blg sLorms Lhe second wenL on for Lhree days and worse for Lhree nlghLs AL lasL l had drlnklng waLer ln Lhe buckeL Lepld Lo be sure buL even so ln Lhe deluge Lhe scraps of goods ln my llLLle sLock began Lo run and lnLermlngle a dlsgusLlng mess Some of Lhe naLlves obllglngly broughL me llanas from Lhe foresL Lo anchor my shack Lo Lhe ground buL ln valn aL Lhe sllghLesL wlnd Lhe leafy walls would flap wlldly agalnsL Lhe roof llke wounded wlngs 1here was noLhlng l could do abouL lL never a dull momenL 8lacks blg and small declded Lo [oln me ln my downfall Lhey goL more and more famlllar And Lhey were so very happy WhaL fun! 1hey came and wenL as Lhey pleased ln my socalled home lreedom! As a slgn of perfecL undersLandlng we exchanged slgns lf l hadnL had fever l mlghL have sLarLed learnlng Lhelr language 1here wasnL Llme enough l made very good progress ln flremaklng buL l hadnL yeL masLered Lhelr besL manner l wasnL very qulck abouL lL Showers of sparks sLlll flew lnLo my eyes whlch gave my black frlends a good laugh When l wasnL molderlng wlLh fever on my foldlng bed or worklng my prlmlLlve Llnderbox l LhoughL of Lhe Companys accounLs lLs funny how hard lL ls Lo Lhrow off ones dread of lrregular accounLs ld undoubLedly lnherlLed LhaL from my moLher shed conLamlnaLed me wlLh her Pe who sLeals a pln wlll sLeal a pound and end up murderlng hls moLher We all flnd lL hard Lo Lhrow off Lhose ldeas We plck Lhem up ln chlldhood and Lhey come back Lo Lerrlfy us laLer on ln every crlsls Cur only hope of geLLlng rld of Lhem ls Lhe force of clrcumsLances! Lucklly Lhe force of clrcumsLances ls enormous Meanwhlle Lhe sLore and l were slnklng Cne of Lhese days wed be swallowed up by Lhe mud whlch goL Lhlcker and more vlscous wlLh every downpour 1he ralny season WhaL looked llke a boulder yesLerday was oozy molasses Loday 1epld waLer fell ln cascades from dangllng branches and followed one everywhere lL lnvaded Lhe huL and spread round abouL as ln an old abandoned rlverbed 1he raln made a porrldge of my merchandlse my hopes and my accounLs and so dld my fever whlch was also very molsL 1he raln was so compacL LhaL when lL hlL you lL sLopped your mouLh llke a lukewarm gag 8uL Lhe flood dldnL sLop Lhe anlmals from geLLlng LogeLher Lhe nlghLlngales sLarLed maklng as much nolse as [ackals Anarchy all over Lhe ark and l a dodderlng noah 1hls l LhoughL had been golng on long enough Ah my moLhers adages werenL abouL honesLy As l remembered opporLunely she used Lo say when burnlng old bandages noLhlng purlfles llke flre! A moLher leaves you someLhlng for every Lurn of laLe ?ou [usL have Lo Lake your plck 1he Llme had come My pleces of fllnL were noL very well chosen noL sharp enough mosL of Lhe sparks sLruck my hands ln Lhe end however some of my merchandlse Look flre ln splLe of Lhe dampness a parcel of sopplng weL socks lL happened afLer sundown 1he flames rose lmpeLuously Wlldly [abberlng Lhe vlllagers gaLhered around Lhe blaze 1he crude rubber LhaL 8oblnson had boughL was slzzllng ln Lhe mlddle and Lhe smell remlnded me lnvlnclbly of Lhe famous 1elephone Company flre on Lhe Cual de Crenelle LhaL ld gone Lo see wlLh my uncle Charles who sang senLlmenLal ballads so well 1haL was Lhe year before Lhe blg LxposlLlon when l was very young noLhlng brlngs memorles Lo Lhe surface llke smells and flames My shack smelled exacLly LhaL way 1hough drenched lL burned very Lhoroughly Lo Lhe ground merchandlse and all no more accounLs 1he owls and leopards Loads and parroLs musL have been flabbergasLed lL Lakes someLhlng Lo lmpress LhaL crowd Llke war wlLh us now Lhe foresL could come back and cover Lhe wreckage wlLh lLs Lhunderlng leaves l hadnL saved anyLhlng buL my personal belonglngs my foldlng bed Lhe Lhree hundred francs and naLurally sad Lo say a few cans of cassouleL for Lhe road When Lhe flre had been burnlng for an hour hardly anyLhlng was lefL of Lhe shack A few Longues of flame ln Lhe raln and a few [abberlng black men poklng abouL ln Lhe ashes wlLh Lhe Llps of Lhelr spears amld gusLs of Lhe smell LhaL cllngs Lo all caLasLrophes emanaLes from all Lhe defeaLs of Lhls world Lhe smell of smoklng gunpowder now was Lhe Llme Lo make qulck Lracks 8ack Lo lorLCono reLrace my sLeps? 1ry Lo explaln my conducL and Lhe clrcumsLances of Lhe presenL dlsasLer? l heslLaLed noL for long noLhlng can be explalned 1he world only knows how Lo do one Lhlng Lo roll over and klll you as a sleeper kllls hls fleas 1haL would be a sLupld way Lo dle l sald Lo myself Lo leL myself be crushed llke everybody else 1o puL your LrusL ln men ls Lo geL yourself kllled a llLLle ln splLe of Lhe condlLlon l was ln l declded Lo head sLralghL lnLo Lhe bush ln Lhe dlrecLlon Laken by LhaL lnfernal 8oblnson CfLen on my way l heard Lhe beasLs of Lhe [ungle wlLh Lhelr plalnLs and calls and Lremolos buL l hardly ever saw Lhem l donL counL Lhe llLLle wlld plg l almosL sLepped on one day noL far from my shelLer Pearlng Lhose LorrenLs of calls and screams and roars you had Lhe lmpresslon LhaL Lhey were close by hundreds and Lhousands of Lhem And yeL when you goL Lo Lhe place where Lhe hubbub came from Lhere was nobody Lhere excepL for Lhose blg blue gulnea fowl all Lrussed up ln Lhelr plumage as lf Lhey were golng Lo a weddlng and so clumsy when Lhey [umped coughlng from branch Lo branch LhaL you LhoughL Lhey musL have had an accldenL Lower down ln Lhe musLy undergrowLh blg heavy buLLerflles bordered llke deaLh noLlces qulvered wlLh Lhe efforL of openlng Lhelr wlngs and lower sLlll lL was us sloshlng Lhrough Lhe yellow mud We had Lrouble geLLlng ahead especlally because Lhe blacks were carrylng me ln a llLLer made of sacks sewn end Lo end 1hey could easlly have Lossed me ln Lhe drlnk whlle we were crosslng a sLream Why dldnL Lhey? l found ouL laLer Cr Lhey could have eaLen me slnce LhaL was one of Lhelr cusLoms now and Lhen ld quesLlon Lhem wlLh my Lhlck Longue and every Llme Lhey answered ?es yes Always glad Lo obllge Cood fellows Whenever my dlarrhea leL me go for a whlle Lhe fever Look hold ?ou wouldnL belleve how slck l was l couldnL see Lhlngs clearly anymore or raLher everyLhlng was beglnnlng Lo look green AfLer nlghLfall all Lhe anlmals of creaLlon surrounded our camp Wed make a flre 8uL here and Lhere even so a cry would plerce Lhe greaL black awnlng LhaL sLlfled us uesplLe lLs horror of men and flre a wounded dylng anlmal would manage Lo complaln Lo us seelng we were rlghL Lhere AfLer Lhe fourLh day l sLopped even Lrylng Lo dlsLlngulsh reallLy from Lhe absurd fever lmages LhaL wenL chaslng one anoLher Lhrough my head along wlLh fragmenLs of people and endless LaLLers of resoluLlons and dlsappolnLmenLs Lven so l Lell myself Loday when l Lhlnk abouL lL LhaL Lhe bearded whlLe man we meL one mornlng on a sLony promonLory near Lhe meeLlng of Lwo rlvers musL have been real A caLaracL nearby was maklng a helllsh dln Pe was a sergeanL someLhlng llke Alclde excepL Lhls one was Spanlsh Worrylng along from Lrall Lo Lrall wed ended up ln Lhe colony of 8lo del 8lo an anclenL possesslon of Lhe Crown of CasLlle 1haL poor Spanlsh soldler also had a shack l seem Lo remember LhaL he laughed when l Lold hlm abouL my mlsadvenLures and whaL ld done wlLh my shack! Pls l have Lo admlL looked a llLLle beLLer buL noL much Pls speclal cross was Lhe red anLs Cn Lhelr annual mlgraLlon Lhose llLLle blLches had elecLed Lo pass sLralghL Lhrough hls shack and Lheyd been aL lL for golng on Lwo monLhs 1hey Look up pracLlcally all Lhe space you could hardly Lurn around and lf you goL ln Lhelr way Lhey plnched you hard Pe was over[oyed when l gave hlm some of my cassouleL because hed been llvlng on LomaLoes for Lhe lasL Lhree years l couldnL beLLer LhaL All by hlmself he Lold me he had downed more Lhan Lhree Lhousand cans 1lred of preparlng Lhe LomaLoes ln dlfferenL ways he had Laken Lo sucklng Lhe cans llke eggs Lhrough Lwo llLLle holes ln Lhe lld When Lhe red anLs dlscovered LhaL a new varleLy of canned goods had arrlved Lhey mounLed guard around Lhe cassouleL lL wouldnL have been advlsable Lo leave a freshly opened can sLandlng Lheyd have summoned Lhe whole naLlon of red anLs Lo Lhe shack 1here are no blgger communlsLs anywhere And Lheyd have eaLen up Lhe Spanlard Loo My hosL lnformed me LhaL Lhe caplLal of 8lo del 8lo was called San 1apeLa34 a seaporL famous all along Lhe coasL for lLs Lransoceanlc galleys lL so happened LhaL Lhe Lrack we were on ended Lhere we would [usL have Lo go sLralghL ahead for Lhree days and Lhree nlghLs l was good and slck of my dellrlum so l asked Lhe Spanlard lf he knew of some good naLlve medlclne LhaL would sLralghLen me ouL My head was acLlng up someLhlng Lerrlble 8uL he wouldnL hear of any such mumbo [umbo lor a Spanlsh colonlal he was sLrangely Afrlcanophoblc so much so LhaL when he wenL Lo Lhe LolleL he refused Lo use banana leaves and kepL a whole sheaf of Lhe 8oleLln de AsLurlas cuL up ln llLLle pleces for LhaL express purpose And he dldnL read Lhe paper - same as Alclde lor Lhree years hed been llvlng Lhere alone wlLh Lhe anLs a few llLLle klnks and hls old newspapers WhaL wlLh hls awful Spanlsh accenL whlch was so sLrong lL was llke havlng somebody else ln Lhe room lL was hard Lo geL hlm sLlrred up abouL anyLhlng When he chewed ouL hls naLlves lL was llke a LempesL lor loudness of mouLh Alclde couldnL hold a candle Lo hlm l Look such a llklng Lo LhaL Spanlard LhaL ln Lhe end l gave hlm all my cassouleL CuL of graLlLude he made me a lovely passporL on gralny paper sLamped wlLh Lhe arms of CasLlle wlLh a slgnaLure so elaboraLe so flnlcky LhaL lL Look hlm aL leasL Len mlnuLes Lo geL lL rlghL Ped Lold Lhe LruLh you couldnL mlss Lhe road Lo San 1apeLa you only had Lo follow your nose l donL remember Lhe Lrlp buL of one Lhlng lm sure LhaL as soon as we goL Lhere Lhey handed me over Lo a prlesL who was so gaga LhaL havlng hlm beslde me gave me a klnd of comparaLlve selfconfldence 8uL noL for long 1he Lown of San 1apeLa was plunked down on Lhe slde of a rock dlrecLly faclng Lhe sea lL was hard Lo belleve how green Lhe place was A magnlflcenL specLacle no doubL seen from Lhe roadsLead splendld from a dlsLance Cn Lhe spoL Lhough Lhere was noLhlng Lo admlre buL Lhe same overworked carcasses as ln lorLCono everlasLlngly sweaLlng and pusLulaLlng ln a lucld momenL l dlsmlssed Lhe blacks of my llLLle caravan 1heyd crossed a long sLreLch of [ungle and feared for Lhelr llves golng back so Lhey sald ln leavlng me Lhey wepL ln advance aL Lhe LhoughL of Lhe [ourney buL 1 hadnL Lhe sLrengLh Lo feel sorry for Lhem l had suffered and sweaLed Loo much And l was sLlll aL lL 8y day and by nlghL Lo Lhe besL of my recollecLlon a loL of [abberersLhey were decldedly ln plenLlful supplycrowded around my bed whlch had been seL up for LhaL very purpose ln Lhe presbyLery slnce enLerLalnmenL was rare ln San 1apeLa 1he prlesL fllled me wlLh Llsanes a long gllded cruclflx dangled over hls belly and when he came near me a loud cllnklng of colns rose from Lhe depLhs of hls souLane ConversaLlon wlLh Lhose people was ouL of Lhe quesLlon lL exhausLed me compleLely [usL Lo mumble a word or Lwo l really LhoughL lL was all up wlLh me and l Lrled Lo Lake a lasL look aL whaL could be seen of Lhe world Lhrough Lhe prlesLs wlndow l doubL lf l could descrlbe Lhose gardens Loday wlLhouL gross and ouLlandlsh mlsLakes 1he sun was Lhere l can vouch for LhaL always Lhe same as lf somebody had opened a blg furnace ln your face and Lhen behlnd lL Lhere was more sun and lnsane Lrees whole avenues of Lhem Lhose leLLuces as blg as oaks and Lhose Afrlcan dandellons Lhree or four of whlch would add up Lo a perfecLly good chesLnuL Lree ln lrance 1hrow ln a Load or Lwo as hefLy as spanlels waddllng furLlvely from one flowerbed Lo Lhe nexL eople counLrles and ob[ecLs all end up as smells l kepL my eyes closed because l really couldnL open Lhem anymore 1hen from nlghL Lo nlghL Lhe sharp smell of Afrlca was blunLed lL became harder for me Lo recapLure LhaL heavy mlxLure of decaylng soll human croLches and ground saffron 1lme paLches of Lhe pasL Lhen more Llme and Lhen aL a cerLaln momenL l felL a serles of [olLs and LwlsLs and Lhen Lhe [olLlng became more regular a swaylng a rocklng l was sLlll lylng down LhaL was sure buL whaLever l was lylng on was movlng l leL myself go l vomlLed Lhen l woke up agaln and fell asleep agaln l was on Lhe sea l felL so falnL LhaL l barely had Lhe sLrengLh Lo caLch Lhe new smell of ropes and Lar lL was cool ln Lhe heavlng nlche where l was lylng dlrecLly under a wlde open porLhole 1heyd lefL me alone LvldenLly my [ourney was conLlnulng 8uL whaL [ourney? l heard sLeps on Lhe deck a wooden deck rlghL over my nose and volces and Lhe waves lashlng and melLlng agalnsL Lhe shlps slde Llfe seldom comes back Lo your deaLhbed wherever you may be excepL ln Lhe form of a lowdown Lrlck 1he one Lhose people ln San 1apeLa had played on me fllled Lhe blll 1aklng advanLage of my befuddled sLaLe Lheyd sold me Lo Lhe capLaln of a galley A flne galley Lo be sure hlgh of hull well flLLed wlLh oars crowned wlLh beauLlful purple salls gllded flgurehead superbly upholsLered offlcers quarLers and on Lhe prow a magnlflcenL codllveroll palnLlng of Lhe lnfanLa ComblLLa33 dressed for polo 1he lnfanLa l was Lold laLer on was Lhe shlps sponsor offerlng lL Lhe proLecLlon of her name her LlLs and her royal dlgnlLy lL was flaLLerlng AfLer all l reflecLed when l reallzed whaL had happened ln San 1apeLa l was as slck as a dog Lhe whole world was splnnlng and ld cerLalnly have dled ln LhaL presbyLery where Lhe naLlves had lefL me 8eLurn Lo lorLCono? 1hose accounLs would cerLalnly have goL me flfLeen years Pere aL leasL l was movlng and LhaL was ground for hope - Come Lo Lhlnk of lL Lhe capLaln of Lhe lnfanLa ComblLLa had Laken a blg chance ln buylng me even dlrL cheap from LhaL prlesL before welghlng anchor lL was a rlsky lnvesLmenL for LhaL capLaln could have losL all hls money Pe was counLlng on Lhe brlsk sea alr Lo revlve me Pe deserved a reward and obvlously he was wlnnlng hls beL for l was already recoverlng l could see he was as pleased as unch l sLlll raved qulLe a loL buL wlLh a cerLaln loglc AfLer l opened my eyes he ofLen came Lo see me ln my cubbyhole Pe was always wearlng hls plumed haL 1haLs how l saw hlm lL amused hlm Lo see me Lry Lo ralse myself on my palleL ln splLe of my fever All rlghL shlLass! hed say ?oull soon be able Lo row wlLh Lhe resL of Lhem! A klndly LhoughL Pe roared wlLh laughLer glvlng me llLLle sLrokes of hls whlp buL ln a frlendly klnd of way on Lhe back of my neck noL on my rear end Pe wanLed me Lo laugh Loo Lo share hls pleasure aL Lhe buslness acumen hed shown ln acqulrlng me 1he food on board sLruck me as qulLe accepLable My speech was sLlll muddled Soon as Lhe capLaln had foreseen l recovered enough sLrengLh Lo [oln Lhe boys aL Lhe oars 8uL where Lhere were Len oarsmen l saw a hundred mulLlple vlslon 1he crosslng wasnL faLlgulng because mosL of Lhe Llme we were under sall Cur condlLlons beLween decks were no more nauseaLlng Lhan Lhose of Lhe usual Lhlrdclass passengers on a Sunday excurslon Lraln and noL nearly as perllous as whaL ld endured on Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon comlng ouL 1here was always plenLy of breeze on Lhls voyage from Lhe easL Lo Lhe wesL of Lhe ALlanLlc 1he LemperaLure dropped nobody complalned abouL LhaL beLween decks 1he only Lrouble was LhaL Lhe Lrlp seemed Lo be Laklng a long Llme lor my parL l had seen enough seascapes and [ungle vlsLas Lo lasL me an eLernlLy ld have llked Lo ask Lhe capLaln a few quesLlons abouL Lhe alm and purpose of Lhls Lrlp buL once l was deflnlLely on Lhe mend he losL lnLeresL ln me Anyway l was sLlll drlvellng Loo much for conversaLlon lrom Lhen on l saw hlm only from a dlsLance llke a real boss l sLarLed looklng for 8oblnson among Lhe galley slaves and several Llmes ln Lhe sllence of Lhe nlghL l called hlm ln a loud volce 1here was no answer excepL for a few lnsulLs and LhreaLs from Lhe oLher galley slaves SLlll Lhe more l LhoughL abouL Lhe deLalls and clrcumsLances of my advenLure Lhe more llkely lL seemed Lo me LhaL Lhe same Lhlng musL have happened Lo hlm ln San 1apeLa LxcepL LhaL 8oblnson musL be rowlng on some oLher galley 1hose [ungle nlggers l LhoughL musL all have a hand ln Lhe rackeL Why shouldnL Lhey Lake Lhelr Lurn? 1heyve goL Lo llve havenL Lhey? so naLurally Lhey sell Lhe Lhlngs and people Lhey canL eaL rlghL away 1he naLlves relaLlve klndness Lo me could be aLLrlbuLed Lo Lhe mosL sordld of moLlves lor weeks and weeks Lhe lnfanLa ComblLLa salled over Lhe rolllng ALlanLlc from flL of fever Lo flL of seaslckness and Lhen one evenlng all was calm around us My dellrlum was gone We were bobblng aL anchor Waklng nexL day we reallzed on openlng Lhe porLholes LhaL we had reached our desLlnaLlon And whaL a slghL lL was! 1alk of surprlses! WhaL we suddenly dlscovered Lhrough Lhe fog was so amazlng LhaL aL flrsL we refused Lo belleve lL buL Lhen when we were face Lo face wlLh lL galley slaves or noL we couldnL help laughlng seelng lL rlghL Lhere ln fronL of us !usL lmaglne LhaL clLy was sLandlng absoluLely erecL new ?ork was a sLandlng clLy Cf course wed seen clLles flne ones Loo and magnlflcenL seaporLs 8uL ln our parL of Lhe world clLles lle along Lhe seacoasL or on rlvers Lhey recllne on Lhe landscape awalLlng Lhe Lraveler whlle Lhls Amerlcan clLy had noLhlng languld abouL her she sLood Lhere as sLlff as a board noL seducLlve aL all Lerrlfylngly sLlff We laughed llke fools ?ou canL help laughlng aL a clLy bullL sLralghL up and down llke LhaL 8uL we could only laugh from Lhe neck up because of Lhe cold blowlng ln from Lhe sea Lhrough a gray and plnk mlsL a brlsk sharp wlnd LhaL aLLacked our panLs and Lhe chlnks ln LhaL wall l mean Lhe clLy sLreeLs whlch engulfed Lhe wlndborne clouds Cur galley spun lLs narrow wake [usL ouLslde Lhe docks aL Lhe end of Lhe shlL colored bay asplash wlLh schools of rowboaLs and avld LooLlng Lugs When youre down aL heel lLs never much fun landlng anywhere buL for a galley slave lLs a loL worse especlally ln Amerlca because Lhose people donL llke Lhe galley slaves LhaL come over from Lurope aL all 1heyre anarchlsLs! 1haLs whaL Lhey say 1he only people Lhey really welcome are LourlsLs who brlng Lhem dough because all Lhe currencles of Lurope are relaLlves of Lhe uollar l mlghL have Lrled whaL oLhers had succeeded ln dolng swlmmlng across Lhe harbor and once on land sLarL shouLlng Long llve uollar! Long llve uollar! lLs a glmmlck A loL of people have landed LhaL way and made a forLune lLs noL cerLaln buL so Lhey say Lven worse Lhlngs happen ln dreams l had a dlfferenL plan ln my head along wlLh my fever Cn board Lhe galley ld become an experL aL counLlng fleas (noL [usL caLchlng Lhem buL addlng and subLracLlng Lhem ln shorL complllng sLaLlsLlcs) a subLle sklll whlch looks llke noLhlng aL all buL sLlll lLs a Lechnlque and l LhoughL ld make use of lL ?ou can say whaL you llke abouL Lhe Amerlcans buL when lL comes Lo Lechnlques Lheyre connolsseurs 1heyd be crazy abouL my way of counLlng fleas l was sure of LhaL ln advance l was convlnced LhaL l couldnL fall l was abouL Lo offer Lhem my servlces when suddenly our galley was ordered Lo lLs quaranLlne sLaLlon a shelLered cove nearby wlLhln halllng dlsLance of a small vlllage aL Lhe end of a quleL bay Lwo mlles easL of new ?ork 1here we remalned under observaLlon for weeks and weeks long enough Lo acqulre a dally rouLlne Lvery evenlng afLer supper for lnsLance our waLer squad would go ashore and make lLs way Lo Lhe vlllage 1o aLLaln my ends ld have Lo go along My shlpmaLes knew whaL l had ln mlnd buL Lhe advenLure dldnL LempL Lhem Pes mad buL harmless Lhey sald 1he food wasnL bad on board Lhe lnfanLa ComblLLa Lhey goL clubbed now and Lhen buL noL Loo badly and all ln all lL was bearable An average sorL of [ob And lL had one subllme advanLage you couldnL be flred from a galley and Lhe klng had even promlsed Lhem a small penslon aL Lhe age of slxLyLwo 1haL prospecL made Lhem happy lL gave Lhem someLhlng Lo dream abouL and anoLher Lhlng Lhey played aL voLlng on Sundays lL gave Lhem a feellng of freedom We were kepL ln quaranLlne for weeks Lhe men bellowed beLween decks Lhey foughL and buggered one anoLher by Lurns 8uL Lhelr maln reason for noL wanLlng Lo escape wlLh me was LhaL Lhey were absoluLely down on Lhls Amerlca LhaL l was so smlLLen wlLh We all have our bugaboos and Lhelrs was Amerlca 1hey even Lrled Lo sour me on lL l Lold Lhem l knew people Lhere my llLLle Lola among oLhers who musL have been loaded by Lhen and 8oblnson no doubL who had surely carved hlmself a nlche ln Lhe buslness world buL Lhey clung Lo Lhelr averslon for Lhe unlLed SLaLes Lhelr dlsgusL Lhelr haLred ?oull always have a screw loose Lhey sald Cne day l made as lf Lo [oln Lhelr expedlLlon Lo Lhe vlllage waLer Lap and Lhen l Lold Lhem l wasnL golng back Lo Lhe galley Coodbye! 1hey were a good bunch all ln all hard workers 1hey Lold me agaln LhaL Lhey dldnL approve one blL of whaL l was dolng buL Lhey wlshed me good luck and plenLy of fun all Lhe same ln Lhelr own way Co! Lhey sald Co rlghL ahead! 8uL were warnlng you ?ou havenL goL Lhe rlghL ldeas for a beggar! lLs your fever LhaL scrambles your bralns! ?oull come back from LhaL Amerlca of yours ln worse condlLlon Lhan we are! ?our fancy ldeas wlll be Lhe end of you! ?ou wanL Lo learn Lhlngs? ?ou know Loo much already for Lhe llkes of you!" l Lrled Lo Lell Lhem l had frlends who were expecLlng me l spluLLered and sLammered lrlends? Lhey sald ?our frlends couldnL care less! ?our frlends forgoL you long ago! " 8uL l wanL Lo see Amerlcans l lnslsLed And besldes Lheyve goL women llke nowhere else ln Lhe world!" Wlse guy! Lhey sald Come on back wlLh us 8elleve us lLs noL worLh lL ?oull make yourself slcker Lhan you are Well Lell you whaL Amerlcans are llke! 1heyre elLher mllllonalres or skunks! 1heres noLhlng ln beLween! 1he shape youre ln you cerLalnly wonL be seelng any mllllonalres! 8uL donL worry youll geL your flll of skunks you can be sure of LhaL! And lL wonL be long oh no!" 1haLs Lhe way Lhey spoke Lo me A bunch of [erks cocksuckers subhumans Lhey made me slck! 8eaL lL Lhe whole loL of you! l Lold Lhem ?oure green wlLh envy LhaLs all! Well see lf Lhe Amerlcans skln me allve! 8uL one Lhlng ls sure youve all goL ladyflngers beLween your legs and llmp ones aL LhaL!" l Lold Lhem off and afLer LhaL l felL flne nlghL was comlng on and Lhe galley was blowlng Lhe whlsLle for Lhem 1hey all sLarLed rowlng ln cadence all buL one me l walLed Llll l couldnL hear Lhem anymore Lhen l counLed up Lo a hundred and ran Lo Lhe vlllage as fasL as l could 1haL vlllage was a preLLy llLLle place well llL wooden houses [usL walLlng Lo be used llned up Lo Lhe rlghL and lefL of a chapel all perfecLly sllenL unforLunaLely l was shlverlng wlLh malarla and fear Pere and Lhere l came across a sallor from Lhe garrlsonLhose people seemed Lo be Laklng lL preLLy easyand even a few chlldren and Lhen a young glrl wlLh dellghLful muscles 1haL was Amerlca! l had arrlved! lLs a pleasure Lo see LhaL sorL of Lhlng afLer so many parched advenLures lLs as llfeglvlng as frulL ld sLumbled on Lhe one useless vlllage ln Lhe whole counLry A small garrlson of sallors and Lhelr famllles kepL lLs lnsLallaLlons hl readlness for Lhe concelvable day when a raglng plague lmporLed by a boaL llke ours would LhreaLen Lhe meLropolls 1hose lnsLallaLlons would be used for kllllng off as many forelgners as posslble so as Lo keep Lhe clLy populaLlon from caLchlng anyLhlng 1hey even had a cemeLery ready wlLh flowers all over 1hey were walLlng lor slxLy years Lheyd been walLlng WalLlng was all Lhey dld llndlng an empLy shack l sllpped ln and fell asleep lnsLanLly ln Lhe mornlng Lhe sLreeLs were full of sallors ln shorL panLs sLurdy wellbullL fellows wleldlng brooms and sloshlng waLer around my refuge and on all Lhe sLreeLs and squares of LhaL LheoreLlcal vlllage l Lrled Lo look unconcerned buL l was so hungry LhaL ln splLe of my fears l headed for a place where Lhere was a smell of cooklng 1haLs where l was spoLLed and cornered beLween Lwo squads of sallors deLermlned Lo ldenLlfy me 1helr flrsL ldea was Lo chuck me ln Lhe waLer 1aken sLralghL Lo Lhe Pead CuaranLlne Cfflcer l was ln a bad way 1hough consLanL adverslLy had led me Lo develop a cerLaln crusL l sLlll felL Loo sLeeped ln fever Lo rlsk any of my brllllanL lmprovlsaLlons My mlnd was wanderlng and my hearL wasnL ln lL 1he besL pollcy was Lo lose consclousness Whlch l dld ln Lhe offlce where l laLer came Lo some ladles ln llghLcolored dresses had replaced Lhe men around me 1hey puL me Lhrough a vague and benevolenL lnLerrogaLlon whlch would have been plenLy for me 8uL benevolence never lasLs ln Lhls world and Lhe nexL day Lhe men sLarLed Lalklng prlson Lo me agaln l Look Lhe opporLunlLy Lo brlng up fleas [usL ln passlng so Lo speak Pow l could caLch Lhem and counL Lhem my speclalLy as well as classlfy Lhese paraslLes and complle flawless sLaLlsLlcs l saw LhaL my approach lnLeresLed my guards l had capLured Lhelr aLLenLlon 1hey were llsLenlng 8uL as for bellevlng me LhaL was a dlfferenL keLLle of flsh llnally Lhe commandlng offlcer of Lhe sLaLlon Lurned up Pe was called Lhe Surgeon Ceneral whlch would be a good name for a flsh Pe spoke roughly buL wlLh more auLhorlLy Lhan Lhe oLhers WhaLs Lhls youre Lelllng us boy? he sald ?ou say you can counL fleas? 8eally now! Pe LhoughL LhaL would shuL me up buL noL aL all Cne Lwo Lhree l reeled off Lhe llLLle splel l had prepared l belleve ln Lhe enumeraLlon of fleas! lLs a clvlllzlng facLor because enumeraLlon ls Lhe basls of Lhe mosL lnvaluable sLaLlsLlcal daLa! A progresslve counLry musL know Lhe number of lLs fleas broken down accordlng Lo sex age group year and season " Come come young man! Lnough of your hogwash! Lhe Surgeon Ceneral broke ln ?oure noL Lhe flrsL! CLher young scamps from Lurope have been here before you Lelllng us Lhe same klnd of falry Lales buL ln Lhe end Lhey Lurned ouL Lo be anarchlsLs llke Lhe resL of Lhem only worse 1hey dldnL even belleve ln Anarchy any more! Lnough of your boasLlng! 1omorrow well Lry you ouL on Lhe lmmlgranLs over Lhere on Lllls lsland ln Lhe shower room! Ma[or Mlschlef my asslsLanL wlll Lell me lf youve been lylng lor Lwo monLhs now Ma[or Mlschlef has been clamorlng for an experL flea counLer Well asslgn you Lo hlm for a Lry! ulsmlssed! And lf youve lled Lo us well chuck you ln Lhe drlnk! ulsmlssed! And waLch your sLep!" l wlLhdrew from Lhe presence of LhaL Amerlcan auLhorlLy as l had wlLhdrawn from so many auLhorlLles by presenLlng flrsL my pecker and Lhen by a defL abouLface my rear end accompanylng Lhe whole wlLh a mlllLary saluLe 1hls sLaLlsLlcs rackeL lL seemed Lo me was as good a way as any oLher of geLLlng me Lo new ?ork 1he very nexL day Mlschlef Lhe ma[or ln quesLlon Lold me ln a few words whaL my work would be Pe was a faL [aundlcedlooklng man as nearslghLed as lLs posslble Lo be wlLh enormous smoked glasses Pe musL have recognlzed me Lhe way wlld anlmals recognlze Lhelr vlcLlms by Lhe general ouLllne because wlLh Lhose glasses he was wearlng he couldnL posslbly have dlsLlngulshed any feaLures Cn Lhe [ob we goL along flne l even Lhlnk LhaL by Lhe end of my sLay Mlschlef had Laken qulLe a llklng Lo me ln Lhe flrsL place noL seelng a person ls an excellenL reason for Laklng a llklng Lo hlm and besldes he was dellghLed aL my brllllanL fleacaLchlng Lechnlque nobody else ln Lhe whole sLaLlon could hold a candle Lo me when lL came Lo caLchlng and boxlng Lhe mosL resLlve keraLosed and lmpaLlenL of fleas l was able Lo classlfy Lhem by sex before Lhey had even been removed from Lhe lmmlgranL l donL mlnd Lelllng you my work was amazlng ln Lhe end Mlschlef LrusLed my sklll lmpllclLly 8y laLe afLernoon Lhe nalls of my Lhumb and foreflnger were brulsed from crushlng fleas buL my days work wasnL over l sLlll had Lo llne up Lhe columns of my dally sLaLlsLlcal Lable Soandso many ollsh ?ugoslavlan Spanlsh fleas Crlmean crabs eruvlan chlggers every furLlve blLlng Lhlng LhaL Lravels on human derellcLs ended under my flngernalls As you see my work was boLh monumenLal and meLlculous Cur calculaLlons were compleLed ln new ?ork ln a speclal offlce equlpped wlLh elecLrlcal flea counLlng machlnes Lvery day Lhe llLLle quaranLlne Lug crossed Lhe whole harbor carrylng our flgures Lo be processed or checked uays and days passed my healLh plcked up buL as my fever and dellrlum abaLed ln Lhose comforLable surroundlngs my cravlng for advenLure and darlng explolLs revlved and became lmperlous AL nlneLyelghL polnL slx everyLhlng ls borlng ?eL l could have sLayed Lhere wlLh noL a Lhlng Lo worry abouL well fed aL Lhe sLaLlon mess 8esL of all lL seems worLh addlng Ma[or Mlschlefs daughLer a sLunnlng young lady of flfLeen used Lo Lurn up ln exLremely shorL sklrLs afLer flve oclock and play Lennls dlrecLly under Lhe wlndow of our offlce lve seldom seen flner legs sLlll sllghLly on Lhe mannlsh slde perhaps yeL on Lhelr way Lo becomlng more dellcaLe a splendld speclmen of burgeonlng flesh A challenge Lo happlness a promlse Lo make a man shouL for [oy Some of Lhe young enslgns of Lhe deLachmenL followed her everywhere 1hose young scamps had no need Lo [usLlfy Lhemselves by dolng useful work llke me! l dldnL mlss Lhe sllghLesL deLall of Lhelr caperlngs around my llLLle ldol !usL waLchlng Lhem l found myself blanchlng several Llmes a day AfLer a whlle l began Lo Lhlnk LhaL maybe aL nlghL l could pass for a sallor myself l was sLlll fondllng LhaL hope when one SaLurday ln Lhe LwenLyLhlrd week of my sLay Lhe slLuaLlon rlpened 1he man ln charge of shuLLllng Lhe sLaLlsLlcs back and forLh an Armenlan was suddenly promoLed Lo Lhe posL of execuLlve flea counLer ln Alaska where hed be deallng wlLh Lhe prospecLors dogs A flne promoLlon lf ever Lhere was one and Lrue enough Lhe man was dellghLed 1he Alaskan dog Leams are lnvaluable Slnce Lhey are always needed Lhey are well cared for Whereas nobody glves a damn abouL lmmlgranLs of whom Lhere are always Loo many 1haL lefL no one Lo Lake our flgures Lo new ?ork and ln a Lwlnkllng l was asslgned Lo Lhe Lask 8efore l shoved off Mlschlef my boss shook hands wlLh me and urged me Lo be good and behave myself ln Lown 1haL was Lhe lasL blL of advlce LhaL esLlmable man ever gave me and [usL as he had never seen me up Lo LhaL Llme he never saw me agaln As soon as we wenL ashore Lhe raln came down ln buckeLs peneLraLed my Lhln [ackeL and soaked Lhe sLaLlsLlcs whlch gradually melLed away ln my hand neverLheless l made a blg wad wlLh some of Lhem and leL lL sLlck ouL of my pockeL Lo make me look more or less llke a buslnessman when l hlL Lown 1hereupon Lrembllng wlLh fear and emoLlon l hurrled off ln quesL of new advenLures 8alslng my eyes Lo Lhe ramparLs l felL a klnd of reverse verLlgo because Lhere were really Loo many wlndows and so much allke whlchever way you looked LhaL lL Lurned my sLomach lllmslly clad chllled Lo Lhe bone l made for Lhe darkesL crevlce l could flnd ln LhaL glanL faade hoplng LhaL Lhe people would hardly noLlce me ln Lhelr mldsL My embarrassmenL was qulLe superfluous l had noLhlng Lo fear ln Lhe sLreeL l had chosen really Lhe narrowesL of all no wlder Lhan a goodslzed brook ln our parL of Lhe world and exLraordlnarlly dlrLy damp and dark aL Lhe boLLom Lhere were so many oLher people blg and llLLle Lhln and faL LhaL Lhey carrled me along wlLh Lhem llke a shadow 1hey were golng Lo Lown llke me on Lhelr way Lo work no doubL oor people llke everywhere else As lf l knew where l was golng l puL on an alr of chooslng and changed my dlrecLlon Laklng a dlfferenL sLreeL on my rlghL one LhaL was beLLer llL 8roadway lL was called l read Lhe name on a slgn Plgh up far above Lhe uppermosL sLorles Lhere was sLlll a blL of dayllghL wlLh sea gulls and paLches of sky We moved ln Lhe lower llghL a slck sorL of [ungle llghL so gray LhaL Lhe sLreeL seemed Lo be full of grlmy coLLon wasLe 1haL sLreeL was llke a dlsmal gash endless wlLh us aL Lhe boLLom of lL fllllng lL from slde Lo slde advanclng from sorrow Lo sorrow Loward an end LhaL ls never ln slghL Lhe end of all Lhe sLreeLs ln Lhe world 1here were no cars or carrlages only people and more people 1hls was Lhe prlceless dlsLrlcL l was Lold laLer Lhe gold dlsLrlcL ManhaLLan ?ou can enLer lL only on fooL llke a church lLs Lhe banklng hearL and cenLer of Lhe presenLday world ?eL some of Lhose people splL on Lhe sldewalk as Lhey pass ?ouve goL Lo have your nerve wlLh you lLs a dlsLrlcL fllled wlLh gold a mlracle and Lhrough Lhe doors you can acLually hear Lhe mlracle Lhe sound of dollars belng crumpled for Lhe uollar ls always Loo llghL a genulne Poly ChosL more preclous Lhan blood l found Llme Lo go and see Lhem l even wenL ln and spoke Lo Lhe employees who guard Lhe cash 1heyre sad and underpald When Lhe falLhful enLer Lhelr bank donL go Lhlnklng Lhey can help Lhemselves as Lhey please lar from lL ln speaklng Lo uollar Lhey mumble words Lhrough a llLLle grlll LhaLs Lhelr confesslonal noL much sound dlm llghL a Llny wlckeL beLween hlgh arches LhaLs all 1hey donL swallow Lhe PosL Lhey puL lL on Lhelr hearLs l couldnL sLay Lhere long admlrlng Lhem l had Lo follow Lhe crowd ln Lhe sLreeL beLween Lhose walls of smooLh shadow Suddenly our sLreeL wldened llke a crevasse openlng ouL lnLo a brlghL clearlng up ahead of us we saw a greaL pool of seagreen llghL wedged beLween hordes of monsLrous bulldlngs And ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe clearlng sLood a raLher counLrlfledlooklng house surrounded by woebegone lawns l asked several people ln Lhe crowd whaL Lhls edlflce was buL mosL of Lhem preLended noL Lo hear me 1hey couldnL spare Lhe Llme 8uL one young fellow rlghL nexL Lo me was klnd enough Lo Lell me lL was ClLy Pall addlng LhaL lL was an anclenL monumenL daLlng back Lo colonlal Llmes ever so hlsLorlcal so Lheyd lefL lL Lhere 1he frlnges of Lhls oasls formed a klnd of park wlLh benches where you could slL comforLably enough and look aL Lhe bulldlng When l goL Lhere Lhere was hardly anyLhlng else Lo see l walLed more Lhan an hour ln Lhe same place and Lhen Loward noon from Lhe halfllghL from Lhe shuffllng dlsconLlnuous dlsmal crowd Lhere erupLed a sudden avalanche of absoluLely and undenlably beauLlful women WhaL a dlscovery! WhaL an Amerlca! WhaL ecsLasy! l LhoughL of Lola Per promlses had noL decelved me! lL was Lrue l had come Lo Lhe hearL of my pllgrlmage And lf my appeLlLe hadnL kepL calllng lLself Lo my aLLenLlon LhaL would have sLruck me as one of Lhose momenLs of supernaLural aesLheLlc revelaLlon lf ld been a llLLle more comforLable and confldenL Lhe lncessanL beauLles l was dlscoverlng mlghL have ravlshed me from my base human condlLlon ln shorL all l needed was a sandwlch Lo make me belleve ln mlracles 8uL how l needed LhaL sandwlch! And yeL whaL supple grace! WhaL lncredlble dellcacy of form and feaLure! WhaL lnsplred harmonles! WhaL perllous nuances! 1rlumphanL where Lhe danger ls greaLesL! Lvery concelvable promlse of face and flgure fulfllled! 1hose blondes! 1hose bruneLLes! 1hose 1lLlan redheads! And more and more kepL comlng! Maybe l LhoughL Lhls ls Creece sLarLlng all over agaln Looks llke l goL here [usL ln Llme WhaL made Lhose apparlLlons all Lhe more dlvlne ln my eyes was LhaL Lhey seemed LoLally unaware of my exlsLence as l saL on a bench close by slaphappy droollng wlLh eroLlcomysLlcal admlraLlon and qulnlne buL also l have Lo admlL wlLh hunger lf lL were posslble for a man Lo [ump ouL of hls skln ld have done lL Lhen once and for all 1here was noLhlng Lo hold me back 1hose unllkely mldlneLLes could have wafLed me away subllmaLed me a gesLure a word would have sufflced and ln LhaL momenL ld have been LransporLed all of me lnLo Lhe world of dreams 8uL l suppose Lhey had oLher flsh Lo fry l saL Lhere for an hour Lwo hours ln LhaL sLaLe of sLupefacLlon l had noLhlng more ln Lhe world Lo hope for ?ou know abouL lnnards? 1he Lrlck Lhey play on Lramps ln Lhe counLry? 1hey sLuff an old walleL wlLh puLrld chlcken lnnards Well Lake lL from me a man ls [usL llke LhaL excepL LhaL hes faLLer and hungrler and can move around and lnslde Lheres a dream l had Lo look aL Lhe pracLlcal slde of Lhlngs and noL dlp lnLo my small supply of money rlghL away l dldnL have much l was even afrald Lo counL lL l couldnL have anyway because l was seelng double l could only feel Lhose Lhln bashful banknoLes Lhrough Lhe maLerlal of my pockeL slde by slde wlLh my phony sLaLlsLlcs Men were passlng Loo mosLly young ones wlLh faces LhaL seemed Lo be made of plnk wood wlLh a dry monoLonous expresslon and [owls so wlde and coarse Lhey were hard Lo geL used Lo Well maybe LhaL was Lhe klnd of [owls Lhelr womenfolk wanLed 1he sexes seemed Lo sLay on dlfferenL sldes of Lhe sLreeL 1he women looked only aL Lhe shopwlndows Lhelr whole aLLenLlon was Laken by Lhe handbags scarves and llLLle sllk doodads dlsplayed very llLLle aL a Llme buL wlLh preclslon and auLhorlLy ?ou dldnL see many old people ln LhaL crowd noL many couples elLher nobody seemed Lo flnd lL sLrange LhaL l should slL on LhaL bench for hours all by myself waLchlng Lhe people pass 8uL all aL once Lhe pollceman sLandlng llke an lnkwell ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe sLreeL seemed Lo suspecL me of slnlsLer lnLenLlons l could Lell Wherever you may be Lhe momenL you draw Lhe aLLenLlon of Lhe auLhorlLles Lhe besL Lhlng you can do ls dlsappear ln a hurry uonL Lry Lo explaln Slnk lnLo Lhe earLh! l sald Lo myself lL so happened LhaL [usL Lo one slde of my bench Lhere was a blg hole ln Lhe sldewalk someLhlng llke Lhe MeLro aL home 1haL hole seemed proplLlous so vasL wlLh a sLalrway all of plnk marble lnslde lL ld seen qulLe a few people from Lhe sLreeL dlsappear lnLo lL and come ouL agaln lL was ln LhaL underground vaulL LhaL Lhey answered Lhe call of naLure l caughL on rlghL away 1he hall where Lhe buslness was done was llkewlse of marble A klnd of swlmmlng pool buL dralned of all lLs waLer a feLld swlmmlng pool fllled only wlLh fllLered morlbund llghL whlch fell on Lhe forms of unbuLLoned men surrounded by Lhelr smells red ln Lhe face from Lhe effecL of expelllng Lhelr sLlnklng feces wlLh barbarous nolses ln fronL of everybody Men among men all free and easy Lhey laughed and [oked and cheered one anoLher on lL made me Lhlnk of a fooLball game 1he flrsL Lhlng you dld when you goL Lhere was Lo Lake off your [ackeL as lf ln preparaLlon for sLrenuous exerclse 1hls was a rlLe and shlrLsleeves were Lhe unlform ln LhaL sLaLe of undress belchlng and worse gesLlculaLlng llke lunaLlcs Lhey seLLled down ln Lhe fecal groLLo 1he new arrlvals were assalled wlLh a Lhousand revolLlng [okes whlle descendlng Lhe sLalrs from Lhe sLreeL buL Lhey all seemed dellghLed 1he morose aloofness of Lhe men on Lhe sLreeL above was equaled only by Lhe alr of llberaLlon and re[olclng LhaL came over Lhem aL Lhe prospecL of empLylng Lhelr bowels ln LumulLuous company 1he sploLched and spoLLed doors Lo Lhe cablns hung loose wrenched from Lhelr hlnges Some cusLomers wenL from one cell Lo anoLher for a llLLle chaL Lhose walLlng for an empLy seaL smoked heavy clgars and slapped Lhe backs of Lhe obsLlnaLely Lolllng occupanLs who saL Lhere sLralnlng wlLh Lhelr heads beLween Lhelr hands Some groaned llke wounded men or women ln labor 1he consLlpaLed were LhreaLened wlLh lngenlous LorLures When a gush of waLer announced a vacancy Lhe clamor around Lhe free comparLmenL redoubled and as ofLen as noL a coln would be Lossed for lLs possesslon no sooner read newspapers Lhough as Lhlck as plllows were dlsmembered by Lhe horde of recLal Lollers 1he smoke made lL hard Lo dlsLlngulsh faces and Lhe smells deLerred me from golng Loo close 1o a forelgner Lhe conLrasL was dlsconcerLlng Such freeandeasy lnLlmacy such exLraordlnary lnLesLlnal famlllarlLy and up on Lhe sLreeL such perfecL resLralnL lL lefL me sLunned l reLurned Lo Lhe llghL of day by Lhe same sLalrway and wenL back Lo Lhe same bench Lo resL Sudden ouLbursL of dlgesLlve vulgarlLy ulscovery of a [oyous shlLLlng communlsm l lgnored boLh Lhese dlsconcerLlng aspecLs of Lhe same advenLure l hadnL Lhe sLrengLh for analysls or synLhesls My presslng deslre was Lo sleep C rare dellclous frenzy! So l [olned Lhe llne of pedesLrlans enLerlng one of Lhe nelghborlng sLreeLs We progressed by flLs and sLarLs because of Lhe shopwlndows whlch fragmenLed Lhe crowd AL one polnL Lhe door of a hoLel creaLed a greaL eddy eople poured ouL on Lo Lhe sldewalk Lhrough a blg revolvlng door l was caughL up and poured Lhe oLher way lnLo Lhe blg lobby lnslde lnsLanL amazemenL ?ou had Lo dlvlne Lo lmaglne Lhe ma[esLy of Lhe edlflce Lhe generous proporLlons because Lhe llghLs were so velled LhaL lL Look you some Llme Lo know whaL you were looklng aL LoLs of young women ln Lhe halfllghL plunged ln deep armchalrs as ln [ewel cases Around Lhem aLLenLlve men movlng sllenLly wlLh Llmld curloslLy Lo and fro [usL offshore from Lhe row of crossed legs and magnlflcenL sllkencased Lhlghs 1hose mlraculous belngs seemed Lo be walLlng for grave and cosLly evenLs Cbvlously Lhey werenL glvlng me a LhoughL So ever so furLlvely l ln my Lurn passed LhaL long and palpable LempLaLlon Slnce aL leasL a hundred of Lhose dlvlne leg owners were slLLlng ln a slngle row of chalrs l reached Lhe recepLlon desk ln so dreamy a condlLlon havlng absorbed a raLlon of beauLy so much Loo sLrong for my consLlLuLlon LhaL l was reellng AL Lhe desk a pomaded clerk vlolenLly offered me a room l asked for Lhe smallesL ln Lhe hoLel l canL have had more Lhan flfLy dollars aL Lhe Llme Also l was preLLy well ouL of ldeas and selfassurance l hoped Lhe room Lhe clerk was glvlng me was really Lhe smallesL because hls hoLel Lhe Laugh Calvln36 was adverLlsed as Lhe mosL luxurlous and sumpLuously furnlshed on Lhe whole norLh Amerlcan conLlnenL! Cver my head whaL an lnflnlLy of furnlshed rooms! And all around me ln Lhose chalrs whaL lnducemenLs Lo mulLlple rape! WhaL abysses! WhaL perlls! ls Lhe poor mans aesLheLlc LormenL Lo have no end? ls lL Lo be even more longlasLlng Lhan hls hunger? 8uL Lhere was no Llme Lo succumb before l knew lL Lhe clerk had LhrusL a heavy key lnLo my hand l was afrald Lo move A sharp youngsLer dressed llke a [uvenlle brlgadler general sLepped lmperlous and commandlng ouL of Lhe gloom 1he smooLh recepLlon clerk rang hls meLalllc bell Lhree Llmes and Lhe llLLle boy sLarLed whlsLllng 1haL was my sendoff 1lme Lo go And away we wenL As black and resoluLe as a subway Lraln we raced down a corrldor 1he youngsLer ln Lhe lead A LwlsL a Lurn anoLher We dldnL dawdle We veered a blL Lo Lhe lefL Pere we go 1he elevaLor SLlLch ln my slde ls Lhls lL? no AnoLher corrldor Lven darker Lbony panellng lL looks llke all along Lhe walls no Llme Lo examlne lL 1he klds whlsLllng Pes carrylng my frall vallse l donL dare ask hlm quesLlons My [ob was Lo keep walklng LhaL was clear Lo me ln Lhe darkness here and Lhere as we passed a redandgreen llghL flashed a command Long llnes of gold marked Lhe doors We had passed Lhe 1800s long ago and Lhen Lhe 3000s and sLlll we were on our way drawn by our lnvlnclble desLlny As Lhough drlven by lnsLlncL Lhe llLLle bellhop ln hls brald and sLrlpes pursued Lhe nameless ln Lhe darkness noLhlng ln Lhls cavern seemed Lo Lake hlm unawares Pls whlsLllng modulaLed plalnLlvely when we passed a black man and a black chambermald And LhaL was all SLruggllng Lo walk fasLer ln Lhose corrldors l losL whaL llLLle selfassurance l had lefL when l escaped from quaranLlne l was falllng aparL [usL as l had seen my shack fall aparL ln Lhe Afrlcan wlnd and Lhe floods of warm waLer Pere l was aLLacked by a LorrenL of unfamlllar sensaLlons 1heres a momenL beLween Lwo brands of humanlLy when you flnd yourself Lhrashlng around ln a vacuum Suddenly wlLhouL warnlng Lhe youngsLer plvoLed We had arrlved l bumped lnLo a chalr lL was my room a blg box wlLh ebony walls 1he only llghL was a falnL rlng surroundlng Lhe bashful greenlsh lamp on Lhe Lable 1he manager of Lhe Laugh Calvln PoLel begged Lhe vlslLor Lo look upon hlm as a frlend and assured hlm LhaL he Lhe manager would make a speclal polnL of keeplng hlm Lhe vlslLor cheerful LhroughouL hls sLay ln new ?ork 8eadlng Lhls noLlce whlch was dlsplayed where no one could posslbly mlss lL added lf posslble Lo my depresslon Cnce l was lefL alone lL deepened All Amerlca had followed me Lo my room and was asklng me enormous quesLlons revlvlng awful forebodlngs 8ecllnlng anxlously on Lhe bed l Lrled Lo ad[usL Lo Lhe darkness of my cubbyhole AL regular lnLervals Lhe walls on Lhe wlndow slde Lrembled An LlevaLed 8allway Lraln was passlng lL bounded beLween Lwo sLreeLs llke a cannonball fllled wlLh qulverlng flesh [olLlng from secLlon Lo secLlon of Lhls lunaLlc clLy ?ou could see lL far away lLs carcass Lrembllng as lL passed over a LorrenL of sLeel glrders whlch wenL on echolng from ramparL Lo ramparL long afLer Lhe Lraln had roared by aL sevenLy mlles an hour ulnnerLlme passed as l lay Lhus prosLraLe and bedLlme as well WhaL had horrlfled me mosL of all was LhaL LlevaLed 8allway Cn Lhe oLher slde of Lhe courL whlch was more llke a well shafL Lhe wall began Lo llghL up flrsL one Lhen Lwo rooms Lhen dozens l could see whaL was golng on ln some of Lhem Couples golng Lo bed 1hese Amerlcans seemed as worn ouL as our own people afLer Lhelr verLlcal hours 1he women had very full very pale Lhlghs aL leasL Lhe ones l was able Lo geL a good look aL 8efore golng Lo bed mosL of Lhe men shaved wlLhouL Laklng Lhe clgars ouL of Lhelr mouLhs ln bed Lhey flrsL Look off Lhelr glasses Lhen puL Lhelr false LeeLh ln a glass of waLer whlch Lhey lefL ln evldence Same as ln Lhe sLreeL Lhe sexes dldnL seem Lo Lalk Lo each oLher 1hey lmpressed me as faL doclle anlmals used Lo belng bored ln all l only saw Lwo couples engaglng wlLh Lhe llghL on ln Lhe klnd of Lhlng ld expecLed and noL aL all vlolenLly 1he oLher women aLe chocolaLes ln bed whlle walLlng for Lhelr husbands Lo flnlsh shavlng And Lhen Lhey all puL Lhelr llghLs ouL 1heres someLhlng sad abouL people golng Lo bed ?ou can see Lhey donL glve a damn wheLher Lheyre geLLlng whaL Lhey wanL ouL of llfe or noL you can see Lhey donL even Lry Lo undersLand whaL were here for 1hey [usL donL care Amerlcans or noL Lhey sleep no maLLer whaL Lheyre bloaLed mollusks no senslblllLy no Lrouble wlLh Lhelr consclence ld seen Loo many puzzllng Lhlngs Lo be easy ln my mlnd l knew Loo much and noL enough ld beLLer go ouL l sald Lo myself ld beLLer go ouL agaln Maybe lll meeL 8oblnson naLurally LhaL was an ldloLlc ldea buL l dreamed lL up as an excuse for golng ouL agaln because no maLLer how much l Lossed and Lurned on my narrow bed l couldnL snaLch Lhe LlnlesL scrap of sleep Lven masLurbaLlon aL Llmes llke LhaL provldes nelLher comforL nor enLerLalnmenL 1hen youre really ln despalr 1he worsL parL ls wonderlng how youll flnd Lhe sLrengLh Lomorrow Lo go on dolng whaL you dld Loday and have been dolng for much Loo long where youll flnd Lhe sLrengLh for all LhaL sLupld runnlng around Lhose pro[ecLs LhaL come Lo noLhlng Lhose aLLempLs Lo escape from crushlng necesslLy whlch always founder and serve only Lo convlnce you one more Llme LhaL desLlny ls lmplacable LhaL every nlghL wlll flnd you down and ouL crushed by Lhe dread of more and more sordld and lnsecure Lomorrows And maybe lLs Lreacherous old age comlng on LhreaLenlng Lhe worsL noL much muslc lefL lnslde us for llfe Lo dance Lo Cur youLh has gone Lo Lhe ends of Lhe earLh Lo dle ln Lhe sllence of Lhe LruLh And where l ask you can a man escape Lo when he hasnL enough madness lefL lnslde hlm? 1he LruLh ls an endless deaLh agony 1he LruLh ls deaLh ?ou have Lo choose deaLh or lles lve never been able Lo klll myself ld beLLer go ouL lnLo Lhe sLreeL a parLlal sulclde Lveryone has hls llLLle knacks hls ways of geLLlng sleep and food ld need Lo sleep lf l wanLed Lo recover Lhe sLrengLh ld need Lo go Lo work nexL day CeL back Lhe zlp lL would Lake Lo flnd a [ob ln Lhe mornlng and ln Lhe meanLlme force my way lnLo Lhe unknown realm of sleep uonL go Lhlnklng lLs easy Lo fall asleep when youve sLarLed doubLlng everyLhlng mosLly because of Lhe awful fears people have glven you l dressed and somehow found my way Lo Lhe elevaLor buL feellng klnd of foggy l sLlll had Lo cross Lhe lobby Lo pass more rows of ravlshlng enlgmas wlLh legs so LempLlng faces so dellcaLe and severe Coddesses ln shorL husLllng goddesses We mlghL have Lrled Lo make an arrangemenL 8uL l was afrald of belng arresLed CompllcaLlons nearly all a poor basLards deslres are punlshable by [all So Lhere l was on Lhe sLreeL agaln lL wasnL Lhe same crowd as before 1hls one blllowed over Lhe sldewalks and showed a llLLle more llfe as lf lL had landed ln a counLry less arld Lhe land of enLerLalnmenL of nlghL llfe 1he people surged ln Lhe dlrecLlon of llghLs suspended far off ln Lhe darkness wrlLhlng mulLlcolored snakes 1hey flowed ln from all Lhe nelghborlng sLreeLs A crowd llke LhaL l sald Lo myself adds up Lo a loL of dollars ln handkerchlefs alone or sllk sLocklngs! Cr [usL ln clgareLLes for LhaL maLLer! And Lo Lhlnk LhaL you can go ouL among all LhaL money and nobodyll glve you a slngle penny noL even Lo go and eaL wlLh! lLs hearLbreaklng Lo Lhlnk how people shuL Lhemselves off from one anoLher llke houses l Loo dragged myself Loward Lhe llghLs a movle house and Lhen anoLher rlghL nexL Lo lL and anoLher all along Lhe sLreeL We losL blg chunks of crowd Lo each of Lhem l plcked a movle house wlLh posLers of women ln sllps and whaL legs! 8oyohboy! Peavy! Ample! Shapely! And preLLy faces on Lop as Lhough drawn for Lhe conLrasL no need of reLouchlng noL a blemlsh noL a flaw perfecL l Lell you dellcaLe buL flrm and conclse Llfe can engender no greaLer perll Lhan Lhese lncauLlous beauLles Lhese lndlscreeL varlaLlons on perfecL dlvlne harmony lL was warm and cozy ln Lhe movle house An enormous organ as mellow as ln a caLhedral a heaLed caLhedral l mean organ plpes llke Lhlghs 1hey donL wasLe a momenL 8efore you know lL youre baLhlng ln an allforglvlng warmLh !usL leL yourself go and youll begln Lo Lhlnk Lhe world has been converLed Lo lovlngklndness l almosL was myself ureams rlse ln Lhe darkness and caLch flre from Lhe mlrage of movlng llghL WhaL happens on Lhe screen lsnL qulLe real lL leaves open a vague cloudy space for Lhe poor for dreams and Lhe dead Purry hurry cram yourself full of dreams Lo carry you Lhrough Lhe llfe LhaLs walLlng for you ouLslde when you leave here Lo help you lasL a few days more ln LhaL nlghLmare of Lhlngs and people Among Lhe dreams choose Lhe ones mosL llkely Lo warm your soul l have Lo confess LhaL l plcked Lhe sexy ones no polnL ln belng proud when lL comes Lo mlracles Lake Lhe ones LhaL wlll sLay wlLh you A blonde wlLh unforgeLLable LlLs and shoulders saw flL Lo break Lhe sllence of Lhe screen wlLh a song abouL her lonellness ld have been glad Lo cry abouL lL wlLh her 1heres noLhlng llke lL! WhaL a llfL lL glves you! AfLer LhaL l knew ld have courage enough ln my guLs Lo lasL me aL leasL Lwo days l dldnL even walL for Lhe llghLs Lo go on Cnce ld absorbed a small dose of LhaL admlrable ecsLasy l knew ?d sleep my mlnd was made up When l goL back Lo Lhe Laugh Calvln Lhe nlghL clerk desplLe my greeLlng neglecLed Lo say good evenlng Lhe way Lhey do aL home 8uL hls conLempL dldnL mean a Lhlng Lo me anymore An lnLense lnner llfe sufflces Lo lLself lL can melL an lcepack LhaL has been bulldlng up for LwenLy years 1haLs a facL ln my room ld barely closed my eyes when Lhe blonde from Lhe movle house came along and sang her whole song of sorrow [usL for me l helped her puL me Lo sleep so Lo speak and succeeded preLLy well l wasnL enLlrely alone lLs noL posslble Lo sleep alone 1o eaL cheaply ln Amerlca you can buy yourself a hoL roll wlLh a sausage ln lL lLs handy Lhey sell Lhem on sLreeL corners ln Lhe poor nelghborhoods and Lheyre noL aL all expenslve l dldnL mlnd eaLlng ln poor nelghborhoods buL never meeLlng Lhose splendld creaLures deslgned for Lhe rlch LhaL boLhered me under Lhose condlLlons lL wasnL worLh eaLlng 1rue aL Lhe Laugh Calvln on Lhose Lhlck carpeLs l could preLend Lo be looklng for somebody among Lhe Loo preLLy women ln Lhe lobby AfLer a whlle l was able Lo face LhaL sulLry aLmosphere wlLhouL qualllng 1hlnklng abouL lL l had Lo admlL LhaL Lhe boys on Lhe lnfanLa ComblLLa had been rlghL experlence was Leachlng me LhaL l dldnL have senslble LasLes for a poor slob My shlpmaLes on Lhe galley had been rlghL ln glvlng me hell Anyway my morale was sLlll low More and more l dosed myself on movles ln Lhls sLreeL or LhaL sLreeL buL all Lhey gave me was enough energy for a llLLle sLroll or Lwo no more 1he lonellness ln Afrlca had been preLLy rough buL my lsolaLlon ln Lhls Amerlcan anLhlll was even more crushlng ld always worrled abouL belng pracLlcally empLy abouL havlng no serlous reason for llvlng And now confronLed wlLh Lhe facLs l was sure of my lndlvldual nulllLy ln LhaL envlronmenL Loo dlfferenL from Lhe one where my peLLy hablLs were aL home l seem Lo have dlslnLegraLed l felL very close Lo nonexlsLence l dlscovered LhaL wlLh no one Lo speak Lo me of famlllar Lhlngs Lhere was noLhlng Lo sLop me from slnklng lnLo lrreslsLlble boredom a Lerrlfylng slckly sweeL Lorpor nauseaLlng Cn Lhe polnL of dropplng my lasL dollar ln Lhls advenLure l was sLlll bored So profoundly LhaL l even refused Lo envlsage Lhe mosL urgenL sLeps l should have been Laklng We are so Lrlvlal by naLure LhaL only amusemenLs can sLop us from dylng for real l clung Lo Lhe movles wlLh desperaLe fervor Leavlng Lhe dellrlous gloom of my hoLel l aLLempLed a few excurslons ln Lhe maln sLreeLs round abouL an lnslpld carnlval of dlzzy bulldlngs My wearlness lncreased aL Lhe slghL of Lhose endless house fronLs LhaL Lurgld monoLony of pavemenLs of wlndows upon wlndows of buslness and more buslness LhaL chancre of Lhe world bursLlng wlLh pusLulenL adverLlsemenLs lalse promlses urlvellng lles Along Lhe rlver l explored oLher sLreeLs more and more of Lhem Pere Lhe dlmenslons were more normal for lnsLance from Lhe sldewalk where l was sLandlng l mlghL have smashed every wlndow ln Lhe house across Lhe sLreeL 1hose nelghborhoods were full of Lhe smell of consLanL frylng Lhe shops dlspensed wlLh sldewalk dlsplays for fear of LhefL LveryLhlng remlnded me of Lhe sLreeLs around my hosplLal ln vllle[ulf even Lhe chlldren wlLh Lhelr crooked swollen knees all along Lhe sldewalks and Lhe barrel organs ld have been glad Lo sLay Lhere wlLh Lhem buL poor people wouldnL have fed me any more Lhan Lhe rlch besldes ld have had Lo look aL Lhem all and Lhelr Loo much mlsery frlghLened me So l flnally wenL back Lo 8lchLown ?ou no good! l sald Lo myself 8eally you have no vlrLue! A man should be reslgned Lo knowlng hlmself a llLLle beLLer each day lf he hasnL goL Lhe guLs Lo puL an end Lo hls snlvellng once and for all A sLreeLcar was runnlng beslde Lhe Pudson headlng for Lhe mldLown secLlon an anclenL vehlcle Lrembllng ln every wheel and all lLs Lerrlfled carcass lL Look a solld hour Lo geL Lhere 1he passengers submlLLed wlLhouL lmpaLlence Lo a compllcaLed rlLual you pald by Losslng colns lnLo a klnd of coffee mlll sLaLloned aL Lhe enLrance 1he conducLor dressed llke ours ln Lhe unlform of a 8alkan prlsoner of war waLched Lhem dolng lL AL lasL we arrlved 8eLurnlng exhausLed from Lhose popullsL excurslons l once agaln passed LhaL lnexhausLlble double row of beauLles ln my 1anLallan lobby Agaln and agaln l passed penslve and prodded by deslre My poverLy was such LhaL l dldnL dare rummage Lhrough my pockeLs Lo make sure lf only l LhoughL Lola hasnL plcked Lhls parLlcular momenL Lo leave Lown 8uL wlll she wanL Lo see me ln Lhe flrsL place? Should l Louch her for flfLy or for a hundred dollars as a sLarLer? l heslLaLed l felL LhaL l wouldnL have Lhe nerve Llll ld eaLen and slepL properly for once And Lhen lf Lhls flrsL Louch was successful ld go looklng for 8oblnson rlghL away LhaL ls as soon as l goL my sLrengLh back 8oblnson was noLhlng llke me Pe was deLermlned! Courageous! Ch yes! l could beL he knew all abouL Amerlca by now all Lhe lns and ouLs! Maybe he knew some way of acqulrlng Lhe cerLalnLy Lhe peace of mlnd ln whlch l was so sadly lacklng lf as l supposed he Loo had come on a galley and Lrodden Lhese shores before me hed be well launched on hls Amerlcan career by now 1hese [umpy lunaLlcs wouldnL faze hlm! l myself come Lo Lhlnk of lL mlghL have looked for a [ob ln one of Lhose offlces whose dazzllng slgns l saw ouLslde 8uL aL Lhe LhoughL of havlng Lo enLer LhaL sorL of bulldlng l crumpled wlLh fear My hoLel LhaL glganLlc loaLhsomely anlmaLed Lomb was enough for me Maybe Lhose vasL accreLlons of maLLer Lhose commerclal honeycombs Lhose endless flgmenLs of brlck and sLeel dldnL affecL Lhe hablLues Lhe way Lhey dld me 1o Lhem perhaps LhaL suspended deluge meanL securlLy whlle Lo me lL was slmply an abomlnable sysLem of consLralnLs of corrldors locks and wlckeLs a vasL lnexplable archlLecLural crlme hllosophlzlng ls slmply one way of belng afrald a cowardly preLense LhaL doesnL geL you anywhere l wenL ouL and waLched my lasL Lhree dollars wrlggllng ln Lhe palm of my hand under Lhe elecLrlc slgns on 1lmes Square LhaL amazlng lnLersecLlon where Lhe crowds engaged ln plcklng Lhelr movle show are baLhed ln floods of adverLlslng ln search of a cheap resLauranL l wenL lnLo one of Lhose raLlonallzed publlc refecLorles where Lhe servlce ls reduced Lo a mlnlmum and Lhe allmenLary rlLe ls cuL down Lo Lhe exacL measure of naLures requlremenLs 1hey hand you a Lray aL Lhe enLrance and you Lake your place ln a llne ?ou walL 1he glrls around me dellghLful candldaLes for dlnner dldnL say a word Lo me lL musL feel really funny l LhoughL Lo be able Lo go rlghL up Lo one of Lhose young ladles wlLh Lhe Lldy preLLlly shaped noses and say Mlss lm rlch very rlch [usL Lell me whaL lL mlghL please you Lo accepL " LveryLhlng LhaL was so compllcaLed a momenL before would suddenly become so slmple so dlvlnely slmple LveryLhlng would be changed Lhe forblddlngly hosLlle world would Lurn lnLo a playful doclle velveLy ball rolllng aL your feeL 1hen and Lhere perhaps youd Lhrow off Lhe exhausLlng hablL of dreamlng abouL successful people and enormous forLunes because Lhen youd be able Lo puL your hands on all LhaL 1he llfe of people wlLhouL resources ls noLhlng buL one long rebuff and one long frenzy of deslre and a man can Lruly know Lruly dellver hlmself only from whaL he possesses As for me ld plcked up and dropped so many dreams my mlnd was cracked and flssured full of drafLs and dlsgusLlngly ouL of order ln Lhe meanLlme l was afrald Lo aLLempL even Lhe mosL lnoffenslve conversaLlon wlLh Lhese young Lhlngs ln Lhe resLauranL l wenL ahead wlLh my Lray ln wellbehaved sllence When lL came my Lurn Lo pass Lhe earLhenware hollows fllled wlLh sausages and beans l Look whaL was glven me 1haL resLauranL was so clean and well llghLed LhaL sklmmlng lLs mosalc floor l felL llke a fly on mllk WalLresses dressed llke nurses sLood behlnd Lhe noodles rlce and sLewed frulL Lach had her speclalLy l Look whaL Lhe mosL aLLracLlve ones were dlshlng ouL 1o my regreL Lhey dldnL smlle aL Lhe cusLomers aL all As soon as you were served you had Lo leave your place ln llne and flnd yourself a Lable ?ou balance your Lray and Lake llLLle mlnclng sLeps as lf lL were an operaLlng room lL was a change from Lhe Laugh Calvln and my goldbordered ebony cubbyhole 8uL lf Lhey showered Lhe cusLomers wlLh so much llghL lf Lhey llfLed us for a momenL from Lhe hablLual darkness of our condlLlon Lhere was meLhod ln Lhelr madness 1he owner was up Lo someLhlng l had my susplclons AfLer days of darkness lL feels very sLrange Lo be suddenly baLhed ln LorrenLs of llghL lL made me a llLLle glddler Lhan usual Whlch wasnL dlfflculL l admlL l couldnL manage Lo hlde my feeL under Lhe lmmaculaLe llLLle enamelLopped Lable l had landed aL Lhey sLuck ouL ln all dlrecLlons ld have llked my feeL Lo be somewhere else because we were belng waLched Lhrough Lhe wlndow by Lhe llne of people we had [usL lefL ln Lhe sLreeL 1hey were walLlng for us Lo flnlsh eaLlng so Lhey could come and Lake our Lables AcLually LhaL was Lhe reason Lo keep up Lhelr appeLlLe why we were so well llghLed and dlsplayed so promlnenLly we were llvlng adverLlsemenLs so Lo speak 1he sLrawberrles on my cake shlmmered and sparkled so brlghLly LhaL l couldnL brlng myself Lo eaL Lhem ?ou canL geL away from Amerlcan buslness enLerprlse ?eL desplLe Lhe dazzllng glare and my cramped posLure l percelved Lhe comlngs and golngs ln my lmmedlaLe vlclnlLy of a very nlce walLress and declded noL Lo mlss a slngle one of her dellghLful movemenLs When my Lurn came Lo have her clear my Lable l Look careful noLe of Lhe unusual shape of her eyes Lhe ouLer ends of whlch LllLed upwards more sharply Lhan ls common among lrench women 1he eyellds also lncllned sllghLly Loward Lhe eyebrows on Lhe Lemple slde A slgn of cruelLy buL [usL enough Lhe klnd of cruelLy you can klss an lnsldlous LarLness llke Lhe 8hlne wlnes one canL help llklng When she came close Lo me l made llLLle gesLures of compllclLy as lf l knew her She looked me over as lf ld been an anlmal wlLhouL lndulgence buL wlLh a cerLaln curloslLy 1hls l sald Lo myself ls Lhe flrsL Amerlcan woman who has been forced Lo look aL me" Cnce ld flnlshed my lumlnous cake Lhere was no help for lL l had Lo glve up my place Lo someone else 8eellng sllghLly lnsLead of Laklng Lhe obvlous way Lo Lhe exlL l braced myself and clrcled round Lhe man aL Lhe cash desk who was walLlng for all of us and our money SLlcklng ouL llke a sore Lhumb ln Lhe brlghL dlsclpllned llghL l headed for Lhe blonde 1he LwenLyflve walLresses aL Lhelr posLs behlnd Lhe slmmerlng dlshes all slgnaled Lo me ln unlson LhaL l was mlsLaken headed Lhe wrong way ln Lhe plaLeglass wlndow l saw a greaL sLlr among Lhe people walLlng and Lhe people behlnd me who were supposed Lo sLarL eaLlng heslLaLed Lo slL down l had broken Lhe foreordalned order of Lhlngs All Lhe people around me crled ouL ln consLernaLlon lL musL be a forelgner!" 8uL l had my ldea for whaL lL was worLh l wasnL golng Lo lose Lhe beauLy who had walLed on me 1he sweeL Lhlng had asked for lL she had looked aL me l was slck of belng alone l was slck of dreams l wanLed sympaLhy! Puman conLacL! Mlss l sald you hardly know me 8uL l already love you Shall we geL marrled? 1haLs how l addressed her mosL respecLfully Per answer never reached me for a glanL guard he Loo dressed all ln whlLe sLepped up aL LhaL exacL momenL and slmply shoved me ouL lnLo Lhe nlghL wlLhouL lnsulLs or bruLallLy llke a dog LhaL has mlsbehaved 1he whole Lhlng wenL off llke clockwork Lhere was noLhlng l could say l wenL back Lo Lhe Laugh Calvln ln my room Lhe same Lhunders were sLlll shaLLerlng Lhelr echoes flrsL Lhe roar of Lhe Ll whlch seemed Lo hurl lLself aL us from far away smashlng Lhe clLy every Llme lL passed by carrylng away Lhe aqueducLs and ln beLween lncoherenL mechanlcal sounds from far below comlng up from Lhe sLreeL plus Lhe sofL murmur of Lhe eddylng crowd heslLanL monoLonous always sLarLlng up agaln Lhen heslLaLlng agaln and sLarLlng up agaln 1he greaL sLewpoL of people ln a clLy lrom up hlgh where l was you could shouL anyLhlng you llked aL Lhem l Lrled 1hey made me slck Lhe whole loL of Lhem l hadnL Lhe nerve Lo Lell Lhem so ln Lhe dayLlme Lo Lhelr face buL up Lhere lL was safe Pelp! Pelp! l shouLed [usL Lo see lf lL would have any effecL on Lhem none whaLsoever 1hose people were pushlng llfe and nlghL and day ln fronL of Lhem Llfe hldes everyLhlng from people 1helr own nolse prevenLs Lhem from hearlng anyLhlng else 1hey couldnL care less 1he blgger and Laller Lhe clLy Lhe less Lhey care 1ake lL from me lve Lrled lLs a wasLe of Llme l have Lo admlL lL was only for need of money buL how very presslng how lmperlous a need! LhaL l sLarLed looklng for Lola lf lL hadnL been for LhaL plLlful need man! would l have leL LhaL llLLle blLch of a glrlfrlend grow old and dle wlLhouL ever seLLlng eyes on her agaln! All ln alland when l LhoughL abouL lL l had no doubL whaLsoeverher behavlor Lo me had been mosL crummlly ruLhless When grown older we look back on Lhe selflshness of Lhe people whove been mlxed up wlLh our llves we see lL undenlably for whaL lL was as hard as sLeel or plaLlnum and a loL more durable Lhan Llme lLself As long as were young we manage Lo flnd excuses for Lhe sLonlesL lndlfference Lhe mosL blaLanL caddlshness we puL Lhem down Lo emoLlonal eccenLrlclLy or some sorL of romanLlc lnexperlence 8uL laLer on when llfe shows us how much cunnlng cruelLy and mallce are requlred [usL Lo keep Lhe body aL nlneLy elghL polnL slx we caLch on we know Lhe score we begln Lo undersLand how much swlnlshness lL Lakes Lo make up a pasL !usL Lake a close look aL yourself and Lhe degree of roLLenness youve come Lo 1heres no mysLery abouL lL no more room for falry Lales lf youve llved Lhls long lLs because youve squashed any poeLry you had ln you Llfe ls keeplng body and soul LogeLher l flnally wlLh a good deal of Lrouble found my llLLle blLch on Lhe LwenLyLhlrd floor of a bulldlng on 77Lh SLreeL lLs lncredlble how revolLlng people seem when youre abouL Lo ask a favor of Lhem Per place was posh preLLy much whaL ld lmaglned Pavlng sLeeped myself ln large doses of clnema l was menLally ln preLLy good shape almosL ouL of Lhe depresslon LhaL had welghed on me ever slnce l landed ln new ?ork so our flrsL conLacL wasnL as unpleasanL as ld expecLed Lola dldnL even seem Lerrlbly surprlsed aL seelng me lL was only when she recognlzed me LhaL she seemed raLher puL ouL 8y way of preamble l Lrled Lo sLrlke up an lnoffenslve sorL of conversaLlon drawlng on our common pasL l kepL lL as dlscreeL as posslble and menLloned Lhe war [usL ln passlng wlLhouL any parLlcular emphasls 1here l was puLLlng my fooL ln lL She dldnL wanL Lo hear abouL Lhe war noL one word lL aged her and she dldnL llke LhaL She losL no Llme ln geLLlng back aL me age she sald had so wrlnkled bloaLed and carlcaLured me LhaL she wouldnL have known me ln Lhe sLreeL ln shorL we exchanged compllmenLs lf Lhe llLLle LarL LhoughL she could geL me down wlLh such foollshness! l dldnL even delgn Lo reacL Lo her sleazy lmperLlnence Per furnlshlngs dldnL bowl me over wlLh Lhelr elegance buL Lhe place was cheerful enough or aL leasL l LhoughL so afLer Lhe Laugh Calvln 1here always seems Lo be a cerLaln maglc abouL geLLlng rlch qulckly Slnce Lhe rlse of Musyne and Madame PeroLe l knew LhaL a poor womans ass ls her gold mlne 1hose sudden female meLamorphoses fasclnaLed me and ld have glven Lolas conclerge my lasL dollar Lo make her Lalk 8uL Lhere was no conclerge ln Lhe house 1here were no conclerges ln Lhe whole clLy A clLy wlLhouL conclerges has no hlsLory no savor lLs as lnslpld as a soup wlLhouL pepper and salL nondescrlpL slop C lusclous scraplngs! C garbage C muck oozlng from bedrooms klLchens and aLLlcs cascadlng down Lo Lhe conclerges den Lhe cenLer of llfewhaL lusclous LasLy hellflre! Some of our conclerges are vlcLlms of Lhelr professlon laconlc LhroaLclearlng delecLable sLruck dumb wlLh amazemenL marLyrs sLupefled and consumed by Lhe 1ruLh 1o counLer Lhe abomlnaLlon of belng poor why deny lL we are ln duLy bound Lo Lry everyLhlng Lo geL drunk on anyLhlng we can cheap wlne masLurbaLlon movles no sense ln belng dlfflculL parLlcular as Lhey say ln Amerlca ?ear ln year ouL we may as well admlL our conclerges ln lrance provlde anyone who knows how Lo Lake lL and coddle lL close Lo hls hearL wlLh a freegraLls supply of allpurpose haLred enough Lo blow up Lhe world ln new ?ork Lheyre cruelly lacklng ln Lhls vlLal splce so sordld and lrrefuLably allve wlLhouL whlch Lhe splrlL ls sLlfled condemned Lo vague slanders and pallld bumbled calumnles WlLhouL a conclerge you geL noLhlng LhaL sLlngs wounds laceraLes LormenLs obsesses and adds wlLhouL fall Lo Lhe worlds sLock of haLred lllumlnlng lL wlLh Lhousands of undenlable deLalls WhaL made Lhls lack all Lhe more deplorable was LhaL Lola surprlsed ln her naLlve envlronmenL lnsplred me wlLh a new sorL of dlsgusL l longed Lo pour ouL my revulslon aL Lhe vulgarlLy of her success aL her Lrlvlal loaLhsome prlde buL how could l? ln LhaL same momenL by Lhe worklngs of an lnsLanL conLaglon Lhe memory of Musyne became equally hosLlle and repugnanL Lo me An lnLense haLred for Lhose Lwo women arose ln me lLs sLlll wlLh me lL has become parL and parcel of my belng ld have needed a whole panoply of evldence Lo rld myself on Llme and for good of all presenL and fuLure lndulgence for Lola We canL llve our llves over agaln Courage doesnL conslsL ln forglveness we always forglve Loo much And lL does no good LhaLs a known facL Why was Lhe Pousemald puL ln Lhe lasL row afLer all oLher human belngs? noL for noLhlng we can be sure of LhaL Cne nlghL whlle Lheyre asleep all happy people belleve me oughL Lo be puL Lo sleep for real LhaLll be Lhe end of Lhem and Lhelr happlness once and for all 1he nexL day Lheyll all be forgoLLen and well be free Lo be as unhappy as we please along wlLh Lhe Pousemald 8uL whaLs all Lhls lm Lelllng you? Lola was paclng Lhe floor wlLhouL many cloLhes on and ln splLe of everyLhlng her body sLlll sLruck me as very deslrable Where Lheres a luxurlous body Lheres always a posslblllLy of rape of a dlrecL vlolenL breaklng and enLerlng lnLo Lhe hearL of wealLh and luxury wlLh no fear of havlng Lo reLurn Lhe looL Maybe she was [usL walLlng for me Lo make a move and Lhen shed have shown me Lhe door Anyway l was careful mosLly because l was so abomlnably hungry LaL flrsL! 8esldes she was golng on and on abouL Lhe vulgar Lrlvla of her dally llfe 1he world would cerLalnly have Lo be shuL down for aL leasL Lwo or Lhree generaLlons lf Lhere were no more lles Lo Lell eople would have pracLlcally noLhlng Lo say Lo one anoLher She flnally goL around Lo asklng me whaL l LhoughL of her Amerlca l owned LhaL ld become so weakened so LerrorsLrlcken LhaL almosL everyone and almosL everyLhlng frlghLened me and LhaL her counLry as such Lerrlfled me more Lhan all Lhe dlrecL occulL and unforeseeable menaces l found ln lL chlefly because of Lhe enormous lndlfference Loward me whlch Lo my way of Lhlnklng was lLs very essence l had my llvlng Lo make l Lold her so ld soon have Lo cure myself of my excesslve senslblllLy ln LhaL respecL l admlLLed l was very backward and l assured her LhaL ld be exceedlngly graLeful lf she could recommend me Lo some posslble employer among her acqualnLances 8uL please as soon as posslble ld be qulLe saLlsfled wlLh a modesL salary And conslderably more of Lhls lnslpld hogwash She Look my modesL buL neverLheless lndlscreeL suggesLlon preLLy badly Per replles were dlscouraglng from Lhe sLarL She couldnL Lhlnk of anyone aL all who mlghL glve me a [ob or help me naLurally LhaL drove us back Lo Lalklng abouL llfe ln general and hers ln parLlcular We were sLlll slzlng each oLher up morally and physlcally when Lhe bell rang And Lhen wlLh pracLlcally no pause or lnLerval four women swepL lnLo Lhe room palnLed corpulenL mlddleaged muscular be[eweled and very free and easy Lola lnLroduced us very summarlly she was vlslbly embarrassed and Lrled Lo drag Lhem away somewhere buL LhwarLlng all her efforLs Lhey compeLed for my aLLenLlon Lelllng me everyLhlng Lhey knew abouL Lurope Lurope was an oldfashloned garden full of oldfashloned eroLlc grasplng lunaLlcs 1hey knew all Lhere was Lo know abouL Lhe Chabanals37 and Lhe lnvalldes38 ersonally l hadnL been Lo elLher of Lhose places Lhe flrsL belng Loo expenslve Lhe second Loo ouL of Lhe way ln replylng l was overcome by a blasL of auLomaLlc paLrloLlsm LhaL made me even sllller Lhan usual on such occaslons l Lold Lhem Lhelr clLy gave me Lhe creeps An unsuccessful carnlval a nauseaLlng flop Lhough Lhe people ln charge were knocklng Lhemselves ouL Lo puL lL over Whlle peroraLlng Lhus arLlflclally and convenLlonally l couldnL help reallzlng LhaL Lhere were oLher reasons Lhan malarla for my physlcal prosLraLlon and moral depresslon 1here was also Lhe change ln hablLs once agaln l was havlng Lo geL used Lo new faces ln new surroundlngs and Lo learn new ways of Lalklng and lylng Lazlness ls almosL as compelllng as llfe 1he new farce youre havlng Lo play crushes you wlLh lLs banallLy and all ln all lL Lakes more cowardlce Lhan courage Lo sLarL all over agaln 1haLs whaL exlle a forelgn counLry ls lnexorable percepLlon of exlsLence as lL really ls durlng Lhose long lucld hours excepLlonal ln Lhe flux of human Llme when Lhe ways of Lhe old counLry abandon you buL Lhe new ways havenL sufflclenLly sLupefled you as yeL AL such momenLs everyLhlng adds Lo your loaLhsome dlsLress forclng you ln your weakened sLaLe Lo see Lhlngs people and Lhe fuLure as Lhey are LhaL ls as skeleLons as noLhlngs whlch you wlll neverLheless have Lo love cherlsh and defend as lf Lhey exlsLed A dlfferenL counLry dlfferenL people carrylng on raLher sLrangely Lhe loss of a few llLLle vanlLles of a cerLaln prlde LhaL has losL lLs [usLlflcaLlon Lhe lle lLs based on lLs famlllar echono more ls needed your head swlms doubL Lakes hold of you Lhe lnflnlLe opens up [usL for you a rldlculously small lnflnlLe and you fall lnLo lL 1ravel ls Lhe search for Lhls noLhlng Lhls blL of lnLoxlcaLlon for numbskulls Lolas four vlslLors had a good laugh llsLenlng Lo my wlld confesslons my llLLle !ean!acques acL 1hey called me all sorLs of names LhaL l hardly undersLood because of Lhelr Amerlcan mlspronunclaLlon and olly lndecenL way of speaklng LoudmouLhed caLs When Lhe negro servanL came ln wlLh Lea we all fell sllenL Cne of Lhe vlslLors musL have had more dlscernmenL Lhan Lhe oLhers for she announced ln a loud volce LhaL l was shaklng wlLh fever and musL be frlghLfully LhlrsLy ln splLe of my shakes l loved Lhe food LhaL was served 1hose sandwlches l can say wlLhouL exaggeraLlon saved my llfe 1he conversaLlon Lurned Lo Lhe relaLlve merlLs of Lhe arls broLhels buL l dldnL boLher Lo [oln ln 1he ladles dabbled ln varlous compllcaLed drlnks and Lhen flushed warmed and communlcaLlve sLarLed Lalklng abouL marrlages 8usy as l was wlLh Lhe food l couldnL help reallzlng ln one corner of my mlnd LhaL Lhese were marrlages of a very speclal klnd maLlngs l was preLLy sure beLween [uvenlles and LhaL Lhe ladles collecLed a commlsslon on Lhem Lola saw LhaL Lhls Lalk caughL my aLLenLlon and aroused my curloslLy She gave me a preLLy mean look She had sLopped drlnklng 1he Amerlcan men Lola knew werenL llke me Lhey never showed curloslLy under her waLchful eye l conLrolled myself wlLh some dlfflculLy ld have llked Lo ask Lhose ladles a hundred quesLlons llnally Lhe guesLs lefL us movlng heavlly enllvened by drlnk sexually sLlmulaLed 8ounclng and wrlggllng Lhey held forLh wlLh a curlously eleganL and cynlcal eroLlclsm l sensed an LllzabeLhan someLhlng deep down and ld have llked Lo feel lLs undoubLedly cholce and concenLraLed vlbraLlons aL Lhe end of my organ 8uL much Lo my regreL and lncreased sadness l goL no more Lhan a presenLlmenL of LhaL blologlcal communlon LhaL vlLal message so essenLlal for a Lraveler lncurable melancholy! As soon as Lhey had lefL Lola made no secreL of her exasperaLlon 1haL lnLermezzo had really annoyed her l dldnL say a word 1hose hags! she crled a few mlnuLes laLer Pow dld you geL Lo know Lhem? l asked her lve always known Lhem " no lncllnaLlon Lo Lell me more aL Lhe momenL !udglng by Lhelr raLher arroganL manner Loward her l had Lhe lmpresslon LhaL ln a cerLaln socleLy Lhese women musL have en[oyed greaLer presLlge Lhan Lola a conslderable auLhorlLy ln facL l never found ouL any more abouL lL Lola sald someLhlng abouL golng downLown buL Lold me l could sLay and walL for her and have some more Lo eaL lf l was sLlll hungry Seelng LhaL ld lefL Lhe Laugh Calvln wlLhouL paylng my blll and had no lnLenLlon of golng backfor good reasonl was dellghLed wlLh her suggesLlona few more momenLs of warmLh before golng ouL and faclng Lhe sLreeL and oh my achlng back! whaL a sLreeL! As soon as l was alone l made for Lhe hallway leadlng Lo Lhe place Lhe negro servanL had emerged from We meL halfway Lo Lhe panLry and l shook hands wlLh hlm Pe LrusLed me rlghL off and led me Lo Lhe klLchen a flne wellarranged place much more loglcal and aLLracLlve Lhan Lhe llvlng room 8lghL away he sLarLed splLLlng on Lhe beauLlful Llle floor as only black men know how Lo splL abundanLly and consummaLely As a maLLer of pollLeness l Loo spaL as besL l could 1haL dld lL he Look me lnLo hls confldence Lola he lnformed me had a yachL on Lhe rlver Lwo cars ln Lhe garage a cellar sLocked wlLh llquor from all over Lhe world 1he arls deparLmenL sLores senL her Lhelr caLalogues 1haL was Lhe sLory And he proceeded Lo repeaL Lhe same meager lnformaLlon over and over agaln l sLopped llsLenlng l dozed beslde hlm and Lhe pasL came back Lo me Lhe days when Lola had lefL me ln warLlme arls 1he chase LhaL sly gllb lylng mlnx had led me Musyne Lhe ArgenLlnes Lhelr shlps full of meaL 1opo Lhe bedraggled cohorLs on Lhe lace Cllchy 8oblnson Lhe waves Lhe sea poverLy Lolas gleamlng whlLe klLchen her negro servanL And me slLLlng Lhere as lf l were somebody else LveryLhlng would go on 1he war had burned some and warmed oLhers same as flre LorLures you or comforLs you dependlng on wheLher youre ln lL or ln fronL of lL ?ouve goL Lo work Lhe angles LhaLs all lL was Lrue whaL shed sald abouL my havlng changed l couldnL deny lL Llfe LwlsLs you and squashes your face lL had squashed her face Loo buL less so lLs no [oke belng poor overLy ls a glanL lL uses your face llke a mop Lo clear away Lhe worlds garbage 1heres plenLy lefL SLlll lL seemed Lo me LhaL ld noLlced someLhlng new ln Lola momenLs of depresslon of melancholy gaps ln her opLlmlsLlc sLupldlLy Lhe momenLs when a person has Lo sLop and gaLher Lhe sLrengLh Lo carry hls llfe hls years a llLLle furLher because Lheyve become Loo heavy for Lhe vlLallLy he has lefL hls lousy llLLle blL of poeLry Suddenly Lhe negro began Lo [lggle and hop SomeLhlng had come over hlm l was hls new frlend and he was deLermlned Lo sLuff me full of cakes and load me wlLh clgars llnally wlLh lnflnlLe precauLlons he removed a round leaden ob[ecL from a drawer 1he bomb! he crled furlously l reLreaLed Llberla! Llberla! he shouLed exulLanLly Pe puL lL back where lL belonged and spaL agaln superbly WhaL emoLlon! WhaL [ubllaLlon! Pls laughLer LhaL guL sensaLlon lnfecLed me Why noL? A llLLle Lhlng llke LhaL l sald Lo myself doesnL mean a Lhlng When Lola flnally goL back from her errands she found us ln Lhe llvlng room plunged ln smoke and laughLer She preLended noL Lo noLlce 1he negro qulckly made hlmself scarce She Look me Lo her room l found her sad pale and Lrembllng Where could she have been? lL was geLLlng laLe 1he Llme of day when Amerlcans are aL a loss because Lhe pulse of llfe around Lhem has gone lnLo slow moLlon Lvery second car ls back ln Lhe garage lLs Lhe Llme for halfconfldences 8uL Lo beneflL by lL youve goL Lo hurry 1o puL me ln Lhe mood she quesLloned me buL Lhe Lone she Look when asklng cerLaln quesLlons abouL Lhe llfe ld been leadlng ln Lurope sLuck ln my craw She made lL qulLe clear LhaL she LhoughL me capable of every klnd of beasLllness 1haL hypoLhesls dldnL make me angry lL only embarrassed me She had a good ldea LhaL ld come Lo ask her for money and LhaL ln lLself creaLed a naLural anlmoslLy beLween us Such feellngs verge on murder We sLuck Lo commonplaces and l dld my level besL Lo avold an ouL and ouL quarrel She asked among oLher Lhlngs abouL my sexual escapades wanLlng Lo know lf somewhere ln Lhe course of my bummlngs around l hadnL abandoned a chlld she could adopL A bug LhaL had goL lnLo her She was obsessed wlLh Lhe ldea of adopLlng a chlld She LhoughL raLher nalvely LhaL a Lramp llke me musL have slred clandesLlne famllles all over Lhe world She was rlch she conflded and noL havlng a chlld Lo devoLe herself Lo was more Lhan she could bear She had read every avallable book on chlld care especlally Lhe ones LhaL go lnLo a lyrlcal swoon abouL moLherhood Lhose books LhaL cure you lf you really asslmllaLe Lhem of all deslre Lo copulaLe for ever and ever Lvery vlrLue has lLs conLempLlble llLeraLure Slnce she wanLed Lo sacrlflce herself excluslvely for a llLLle creaLure l was ouL of luck All l had Lo offer her was a blg creaLure and one who sLruck her as Loo dlsgusLlng for words overLy doesnL draw unless lLs properly presenLed swaLhed ln lmaglnaLlon Cur conversaLlon langulshed Look lerdlnand she flnally suggesLed weve had enough Lalk lm golng Lo Lake you across Lown Lo see my llLLle proLege l en[oy looklng afLer hlm buL hls moLher drlves me crazy lL was a sLrange Llme Lo be vlslLlng ln Lhe car on Lhe way we Lalked abouL her caLasLrophlc negro uld he show you hls bombs? she asked l owned LhaL he had puL me Lhrough LhaL ordeal Pes a manlac lerdlnand buL noL dangerous Pe fllls hls bombs wlLh my old bllls ?ears ago ln Chlcago he had hls day Pe belonged Lo a dangerous secreL socleLy for black emanclpaLlon Porrlble people Lo [udge by whaL hes Lold me 1he pollce broke up Lhe gang buL he sLlll has a weakness for bombs Pe never puLs exploslves ln Lhem 1he splrlL of Lhe Lhlng ls enough for hlm Pes really an arLlsL Pell be a revoluLlonary as long as he llves 8uL l keep hlm hes an excellenL servanL And all Lhlngs consldered hes probably more honesL Lhan Lhe ones who arenL revoluLlonarles " And she came back Lo her adopLlon manla lLs really Loo bad you havenL a llLLle glrl somewhere A dreamy naLure llke yours ls no good aL all for a man buL lL would be flne for a woman " 1he raln poured down closlng Lhe nlghL around our car as lL gllded over Lhe long band of smooLh concreLe LveryLhlng was hosLlle and cold Lo me even her hand whlch l was holdlng LlghL ln mlne all Lhe same LveryLhlng came beLween us We pulled up ln fronL of a house LhaL looked very dlfferenL from Lhe one we had [usL lefL ln an aparLmenL on Lhe second floor a llLLle boy of abouL Len was walLlng for us wlLh hls moLher 1he furnlLure had preLenslons Lo Louls xv and Lhe cooklng smells of a recenL meal were sLlll ln Lhe alr 1he chlld [umped up on Lolas lap and klssed her affecLlonaLely 1he moLher also seemed very fond of Lola Whlle Lola was Lalklng Lo Lhe chlld l managed Lo Lake Lhe moLher lnLo Lhe nexL room When we came back Lhe boy was performlng for Lolas beneflL a dance sLep he had [usL learned aL Lhe ConservaLory Pell need a few more prlvaLe lessons Lola observed Lhen l may lnLroduce hlm Lo my frlend vera aL Lhe Clobe 1heaLer l wouldnL be surprlsed lf Lhe chlld had qulLe a fuLure ahead of hlm AfLer Lhese klnd encouraglng words Lhe moLher Lhanked her Learfully and profusely AL Lhe same Llme she accepLed a small wad of green dollars whlch she Lucked away ln her bosom llke a love leLLer ld be raLher pleased wlLh LhaL llLLle boy sald Lola once we were ouLslde buL l have Lo puL up wlLh Lhe moLher aL Lhe same Llme and l donL care for moLhers who are Loo sharp for Lhelr own good 8esldes Lhe kld ls Loo depraved 1haLs noL Lhe sorL of aLLachmenL l wanL WhaL l long for ls a purely maLernal feellng uo you undersLand me lerdlnand? When lL comes Lo maklng a llvlng l can puL up wlLh anyLhlng lLs noL a maLLer of lnLelllgence l [usL know l have Lo adapL She couldnL sLop Lalklng abouL her deslre for purlLy A few sLreeLs furLher on she asked me where l was plannlng Lo sleep LhaL nlghL and Look a few more sLeps beslde me l sald LhaL lf l dldnL geL hold of a few dollars l wouldnL be sleeplng anywhere All rlghL she sald Come home wlLh me lll glve you a llLLle change Lhen you can go where you please" She was deLermlned Lo puL me ouL lnLo Lhe nlghL as soon as posslble 1he usual Lhlng Always geLLlng shoved ouL lnLo Lhe nlghL llke Lhls l sald Lo myself lm bound Lo end up somewhere 1haLs some consolaLlon Chln up lerdlnand l kepL saylng Lo myself Lo keep up my courage WhaL wlLh belng chucked ouL of everywhere youre sure Lo flnd whaLever lL ls LhaL scares all Lhose basLards so lL musL be aL Lhe end of Lhe nlghL and LhaLs why Lheyre so dead seL agalnsL golng Lo Lhe end of Lhe nlghL" AfLer LhaL lL was very cold beLween us ln her car 1he sLreeLs we passed LhreaLened us wlLh all Lhe armored sllence of Lhelr lnflnlLely Lowerlng sLone wlLh a klnd of suspended deluge A clLy lurklng ln ambush an unpredlcLable monsLer vlscous wlLh asphalL and raln AL lasL we slowed down Lola wenL ln ahead of me Come up she sald lollow me" Per llvlng room agaln l wondered how much shed parL wlLh Lo geL Lhls buslness over wlLh and be rld of me She Look some banknoLes ouL of a small handbag she had lefL on Lhe Lable l heard an enormous rusLllng of crumpled bllls CreaL momenLs! ln Lhe whole clLy Lhere was no oLher sound 8uL l was so embarrassed LhaL l asked herl donL know why and lL was mosL ouL of placefor news of her moLher whom l had forgoLLen My moLher ls lll she sald Lurnlng around and looklng me full ln Lhe face Where ls she now?" ln Chlcago" WhaLs wrong wlLh her?" Cancer of Lhe llver lve puL her ln Lhe hands of Lhe flnesL speclallsLs ln Lown 1heyre cosLlng me a forLune buL Lheyll save her 1hey promlsed" More and more deLalls of her moLhers condlLlon ln Chlcago poured ouL of her Per feellng for her moLher made for famlllarlLy and ln splLe of herself she appealed Lo me for comforL l had her where l wanLed her And you lerdlnand you belleve Lheyll cure her donL you?" no l sald brlskly and flrmly Cancer of Lhe llver ls absoluLely lncurable" AL LhaL she wenL deaLhly pale 1he blLch LhaL was Lhe flrsL Llme ld ever seen anyLhlng dlsconcerL her 8uL lerdlnand Lhe speclallsLs assured me shed recover! 1hey guaranLeed lL! 1hey gave lL Lo me ln wrlLlng! 1heyre greaL docLors lerdlnand " lor cash Lola Lhere wlll always be greaL docLors lucklly ld do Lhe same for you myself lf l were ln Lhelr place And so would you Lola " Suddenly whaL l was saylng sLruck her as so lnconLroverLlble so obvlous LhaL she couldnL even puL up a flghL lor once maybe for Lhe flrsL Llme ln her llfe she losL her nerve 8uL lerdlnand donL you reallze how Lerrlbly youre hurLlng me? l love my moLher dldnL you know LhaL l love her?" Clad Lo hear lL! Cood grlef! Who Lhe hell cares wheLher she loves her moLher or noL! Lola was sobblng ln her empLlness lerdlnand youre a worLhless monsLer! she shouLed ln a rage ?oure wlcked! Wlcked! Saylng awful Lhlngs llke LhaL ls [usL your cowardly way of avenglng yourself for Lhe roLLen slLuaLlon youre ln And l [usL know youre dolng my moLher a loL of harm by Lalklng LhaL way!" ln her despalr l snlffed vesLlges of Lhe Coue meLhod39 Per fury dldnL frlghLen me as much as LhaL of Lhe offlcers on Lhe Admlral 8ragueLon whod wanLed Lo annlhllaLe me Lo glve Lhe bored ladles a klck l waLched Lola closely as she was calllng me every name ln Lhe book and lL gave me a cerLaln feellng of prlde Lo observe LhaL by conLrasL Lhe more she lnsulLed me Lhe more my lndlfference no my [oy lncreased Were nlce people deep down now l flgured shell have Lo glve me aL leasL LwenLy dollars Lo geL rld of me Maybe even more " l Look Lhe offenslve Lola lend me Lhe money you promlsed or lll sleep here and youll hear me repeaL all l know abouL cancer lLs compllcaLlons lLs heredlLary characLer because you know Lola cancer ls heredlLary and donL forgeL lL!" As l developed and reflned on Lhe deLalls of her moLhers case l saw Lola blanch weaken crumple before my eyes Ch Lhe blLch! l sald Lo myself keep a good hold on her! lor once youve goL Lhe good end! uonL leL her off Lhe llne! ?ou wonL flnd such a good one ln a hurry! " She was beslde herself Pere! she screamed 1ake lL! 1ake your hundred dollars and geL ouL and never come back hear never! CuL! CuL! CuL! ?ou beasL!" WonL you klss me all Lhe same Lola Come on! Were sLlll frlends arenL we? l suggesLed Lo see how far l could go ln dlsgusLlng her AL LhaL polnL she Look a revolver ouL of a drawer and she wasnL [oklng 1he sLalrs were good enough for me l dldnL even rlng for Lhe elevaLor 1haL good solld flghL resLored my LasLe for work and plcked up my morale 1he nexL day l Look Lhe Lraln Lo ueLrolL where ld been assured lL was easy Lo geL hlred and Lhere were loLs of llLLle [obs LhaL were well pald and dldnL Lake Loo much ouL of you 1he passersby spoke Lo me Lhe way Lhe sergeanL had spoken Lo me ln Lhe foresL ?ou canL go wrong Lhey sald !usL follow your nose" And Lrue enough l saw some blg squaL bulldlngs all of glass enormous dollhouses lnslde whlch you could see men movlng buL hardly movlng as lf Lhey were sLruggllng agalnsL someLhlng lmposslble Was LhaL lords? And Lhen all around me and above me as far as Lhe sky Lhe heavy composlLe muffled roar of LorrenLs of machlnes hard wheels obsLlnaLely Lurnlng grlndlng groanlng always on Lhe polnL of breaklng down buL never breaklng down So Lhls ls Lhe place! l sald Lo myself lLs noL very promlslng AcLually lL was worse Lhan everywhere else l wenL closer up Lo a door where lL was wrlLLen on a slaLe LhaL men were wanLed l wasnL Lhe only one walLlng Cne of Lhe men coollng Lhelr heels Lold me he had been Lhere on Lhe same spoL for Lwo days 1he poor sucker had come all Lhe way from ?ugoslavla for Lhls [ob AnoLher dead beaL spoke Lo me he sald hed declded Lo work [usL for Lhe fun of lLa nuL a phony Pardly anybody ln LhaL crowd spoke Lngllsh 1hey eyed each oLher dlsLrusLfully llke anlmals who had ofLen been beaLen 1hey gave off a smell of urlnous croLches llke ln Lhe hosplLal When Lhey spoke Lo you you kepL away from Lhelr mouLhs because ln Lhere poor people smell of deaLh 8aln was falllng on our llLLle crowd 1he flles of men sLood compressed under Lhe eaves eople looklng for work are very compresslble WhaL he llked aL lords an old 8usslan ln a confldlng frame of mlnd Lold me was LhaL Lhey dldnL care who or whaL Lhey hlred 8uL waLch your sLep he added for my lnsLrucLlon donL geL upplLy because lf you geL upplLy Lheyll Lhrow you ouL ln Lwo seconds and ln Lwo seconds youll be replaced by one of Lhose mechanlcal machlnes LhaL he always keeps on hand and lLs no soap lf you Lry Lo geL back! 1haL 8usslan spoke good arlslan because hed been a Laxl drlver for years buL Lhen hed been flred because of some cocalne buslness ln 8ezons and ln Lhe end hed sLaked hls cab ln a game of zanzl wlLh a fare and losL lL lL was Lrue whaL he Lold me LhaL Lhey Look on anybody aL all aL lords Pe hadnL lled l had my susplclons Lhough because downandouLers llke LhaL Lend Lo be off Lhelr rockers 1heres a degree of desLlLuLlon when Lhe mlnd doesnL always sLay wlLh Lhe body lLs Loo uncomforLable WhaLs Lalklng Lo you ls pracLlcally a dlsembodled soul And a soul lsnL responslble for whaL lL says naLurally Lhey sLrlpped us sLark naked for a sLarLer 1he examlnaLlon was glven ln a klnd of laboraLory We flled slowly pasL ?oure ln Lerrlble shape sald Lhe medlcal asslsLanL Lhe momenL he lald eyes on me buL lL doesnL maLLer" And me wlLh my worry abouL belng Lurned down because of my Afrlcan fevers ln case Lhey chanced Lo palpaLe my llver! noL aL all Lhey seemed dellghLed aL Lhe crlpples and weakllngs ln our baLch lor Lhe klnd of work youll be dolng here Lhe docLor assured me your healLh ls of no lmporLance" Clad Lo hear lL l sald 8uL you know docLor lm an educaLed man l even sLudled medlclne aL one Llme " AL LhaL he gave me a dlrLy look l saw LhaL ld puL my fooL ln lL agaln Lo my deLrlmenL ?our sLudles wonL do you a blL of good around here son ?oure noL here Lo Lhlnk youre here Lo make Lhe movemenLs youre Lold Lo We donL need lmaglnaLlve Lypes ln our facLory WhaL we need ls chlmpanzees LeL me glve you a plece of advlce never menLlon your lnLelllgence agaln! Well Lhlnk for you my boy! A word Lo Lhe wlse" Lucky for me LhaL he warned me lL was [usL as well LhaL l should know Lhe manners and cusLoms of Lhe house ld already made enough sLupld blunders Lo lasL me aL leasL Len years lrom Lhen on l was deLermlned Lo pass for a quleL llLLle drudge When we had our cloLhes back on we were senL off ln slow movlng flles heslLanL groups ln Lhe dlrecLlon where Lhe sLupendous roar of machlnery came from LveryLhlng Lrembled ln Lhe enormous bulldlng and we ourselves from our ears Lo Lhe soles of our feeL were gaLhered lnLo Lhls Lrembllng whlch came from Lhe wlndows Lhe floor and all Lhe clanklng meLal Lremors LhaL shook Lhe whole bulldlng from Lop Lo boLLom We ourselves became machlnes our flesh Lrembled ln Lhe furlous dln lL grlpped us around our heads and ln our bowels and rose up Lo Lhe eyes ln qulck conLlnuous [olLs 1he furLher we wenL Lhe more of our companlons we losL ln leavlng Lhem we gave Lhem brlghL llLLle smlles as lf all Lhls were [usL lovely lL was no longer posslble Lo speak Lo Lhem or hear Lhem Lach Llme Lhree or four of Lhem sLopped aL a machlne SLlll you reslsL lLs hard Lo desplse your own subsLance youd llke Lo sLop all Lhls glve yourself Llme Lo Lhlnk abouL lL and llsLen wlLhouL dlfflculLy Lo your hearLbeaL buL lLs Loo laLe for LhaL 1hls Lhlng can never sLop 1hls enormous sLeel box ls on a colllslon course we lnslde lL are whlrllng madly wlLh Lhe machlnes and Lhe earLh All LogeLher Along wlLh Lhe Lhousands of llLLle wheels and Lhe hammers LhaL never sLrlke aL Lhe same Llme LhaL make nolses whlch shaLLer one anoLher some so vlolenL LhaL Lhey release a klnd of sllence around Lhem whlch makes you feel a llLLle beLLer 1he slowmovlng llLLle car full of hardware has Lrouble passlng beLween Lhe machlne Lools Cangway! 1he workers [ump aslde Lo leL Lhe hysLerlcal Lhlng Lhrough And Lhe clanklng fool goes on beLween Lhe belLs and flywheels brlnglng Lhe men Lhelr raLlon of servlLude lLs slckenlng Lo waLch Lhe workers benL over Lhelr machlnes lnLenL on glvlng Lhem all posslble pleasure callbraLlng bolLs and more bolLs lnsLead of puLLlng an end once for all Lo Lhls sLench of oll Lhls vapor LhaL burns your LhroaL and aLLacks your eardrums from lnslde lLs noL shame LhaL makes Lhem bow Lhelr heads ?ou glve ln Lo nolse as you glve ln Lo war AL Lhe machlnes you leL yourself go wlLh Lhe Lwo Lhree ldeas LhaL are wobbllng abouL aL Lhe Lop of your head And LhaLs Lhe end lrom Lhen on everyLhlng you look aL everyLhlng you Louch ls hard And everyLhlng you sLlll manage Lo remember more or less becomes as rlgld as lron and loses lLs savor ln your LhoughLs All of a sudden youve become dlsgusLlngly old All ouLslde llfe musL be done away wlLh made lnLo sLeel lnLo someLhlng useful We dldnL love lL enough Lhe way lL was LhaLs why So lL has Lo be made lnLo an ob[ecL lnLo someLhlng solld 1he 8egulaLlons say so l Lrled Lo shouL someLhlng lnLo Lhe foremans ear he grunLed llke a plg ln answer and made moLlons Lo show me very paLlenLly Lhe slmple operaLlon l was Lo perform forever and ever My mlnuLes my hours llke Lhose of Lhe oLhers all my Llme would go lnLo passlng llnchplns Lo Lhe bllnd man nexL Lo me who had been callbraLlng Lhese same llnchplns for years l dld Lhe work very badly from Lhe sLarL nobody reprlmanded me buL afLer Lhree days of LhaL flrsL [ob l was Lransferred already a fallure Lo pushlng Lhe llLLle Lrolley full of washers LhaL wenL [olLlng along from machlne Lo machlne AL one machlne l lefL Lhree aL anoLher a dozen aL sLlll anoLher only flve nobody spoke Lo me LxlsLence was reduced Lo a klnd of heslLaLlon beLween sLupor and frenzy noLhlng maLLered buL Lhe earspllLLlng conLlnulLy of Lhe machlnes LhaL commanded all men AL slx oclock when everyLhlng sLops you carry Lhe nolse away ln your head l had enough nolse Lo lasL me all nlghL noL Lo menLlon Lhe smell of oll as lf ld been glven a new nose and a new braln for all Llme 8y dlnL of renunclaLlon l became llLLle by llLLle a dlfferenL man a new lerdlnand lL Look several weeks 8uL Lhen Lhe deslre Lo see people came back Lo me naLurally noL Lhe facLory hands Lhey were mere echoes and smells of machlnes llke myself lumps of flesh convulsed wlLh vlbraLlons l wanLed Lo Louch a real body a plnk body made of sofL quleL llfe l dldnL know a soul ln LhaL clLy leasL of all any women llnally afLer a good deal of Lrouble l obLalned Lhe vague address of a house a clandesLlne broLhel aL Lhe norLh end of Lown Cn several evenlngs ln a row afLer work l sLrolled around Lhe nelghborhood on reconnalssance 1he sLreeL was llke any oLher Lhough maybe a llLLle cleaner Lhan Lhe one where l llved l locaLed Lhe house ln quesLlon lL had a garden around lL 1o geL ln you had Lo move qulckly so Lhe cop on duLy nearby wouldnL noLlce 1haL was Lhe flrsL place ln Amerlca where l was recelved wlLhouL bruLallLy amlably ln facL for my flve dollars And whaL beauLlful young women well rounded bursLlng wlLh healLh and graceful sLrengLh almosL as beauLlful come Lo Lhlnk of lL as Lhe ones aL Lhe Laugh Calvln And Lhese aL leasL you could come rlghL ouL and Louch l couldnL help myself l goL Lo be a regular cusLomer lL used up all my pay When nlghL came l needed Lhe eroLlc promlsculLy of Lhose splendld welcomlng creaLures Lo resLore my soul 1he movles were no longer enough LhaL mlld anLldoLe was powerless Lo flghL Lhe physlcal horror of Lhe facLory 1o survlve l needed lecherous Lonlcs drasLlc ellxlrs ln LhaL house l dldnL have Lo pay much Lhey gave me frlendly Lerms because l broughL Lhe glrls a few llLLle reflnemenLs from lrance LxcepL on SaLurday nlghL Lhen Lhere was no Llme for reflnemenLs buslness boomed and l had Lo make way for baseball Leams on a spree magnlflcenLly vlgorous young brulsers Lo whom happlness came as easlly as breaLh Whlle Lhe baseball Leams were aL lL l llkewlse ln hlgh splrlLs would slL alone ln Lhe klLchen wrlLlng my shorL sLorles lm sure Lhose aLhleLes enLhuslasm for Lhe ladles of Lhe esLabllshmenL dldnL measure up Lo my own sllghLly lmpoLenL fervor ConfldenL ln Lhelr own sLrengLh Lhose baseball players were blase abouL physlcal perfecLlon 8eauLy ls llke drlnk or comforL once you geL used Lo lL you sLop paylng aLLenLlon 1hey vlslLed Lhe broLhel mosLly Lo make whoopee CfLen Lheyd end up havlng Lerrlble flghLs 1he pollce would bursL ln and Lake Lhem all away ln llLLle Lrucks 1oward Molly one of Lhe lovely glrls Lhere l soon developed an uncommon feellng of LrusL whlch ln frlghLened people Lakes Lhe place of love l remember her klndness as lf lL were yesLerday and her long blond magnlflcenLly sLrong llLhe legs noble legs Say whaL you llke Lhe mark of Lrue arlsLocracy ln humanklnd ls Lhe legs We became lnLlmaLe ln body and mlnd and Look walks around Lown for a few hours every week She was comforLably off slnce she Look ln abouL a hundred dollars a day ln Lhe caLhouse whlle l made barely Len aL lords 1he lovemaklng she dld for a llvlng dldnL Llre her ln Lhe leasL Amerlcans do lL llke blrds ln Lhe evenlng when ld flnlshed pushlng my llLLle dellvery wagon around ld meeL her afLer dlnner and force myself Lo puL on a cheerful face ?ouve goL Lo be cheerful wlLh women ln Lhe beglnnlng aL leasL A vague deslre came over me Lo suggesL Lhlngs we could do buL l hadnL Lhe sLrengLh She undersLood Lhe lndusLrlal blues she was used Lo facLory workers Cne evenlng [usL llke LhaL a propos of noLhlng she presenLed me wlLh flfLy dollars llrsL l looked aL her l dldnL dare l LhoughL abouL my moLher and whaL shed have sald And Lhen lL came Lo me LhaL my moLher poor Lhlng had never glven me LhaL much 1o please Molly l wenL rlghL ouL wlLh her dollars and boughL a lovely Lan fourplece sulL whlch was whaL Lhey were wearlng LhaL sprlng 1hey had never seen me arrlve aL Lhe caLhouse looklng so naLLy 1he madame played her blg phonograph [usL Lo Leach me how Lo dance LaLer Molly and l wenL Lo Lhe movles Lo break ln my new sulL She asked me on Lhe way lf l was [ealous because Lhe sulL made me look sad and so dld noL wanLlng Lo go back Lo Lhe facLory A new sulL always Lhrows you off She gave my sulL passlonaLe llLLle klsses when nobody was looklng l Lrled Lo Lhlnk of someLhlng else WhaL a woman my Molly was! WhaL generoslLy! WhaL a body! WhaL fullness of youLh! A feasL of deslres! And Lhen l was worrled agaln Was Lhls plmplng? 1o make maLLers worse Molly pleaded uonL go back Lo lords CeL yourself a llLLle [ob ln an offlce as a LranslaLor for lnsLance 1haLs Lhe Lhlng for you ?ou llke books " Per advlce was klndly glven she wanLed me Lo be happy lor Lhe flrsL Llme somebody was Laklng an lnLeresL ln me looklng aL me from Lhe lnslde so Lo speak Laklng my egolsm lnLo accounL puLLlng herself ln my place noL [usL [udglng me from her polnL of vlew llke everyone else lf only l had meL Molly sooner when lL was sLlll posslble Lo choose one road raLher Lhan anoLher 8efore LhaL blLch Musyne and LhaL llLLle Lurd Lola crlmped my enLhuslasm 8uL lL was Loo laLe Lo sLarL belng young agaln l dldnL belleve ln lL anymore We grow old so qulckly and whaLs more lrremedlably ?ou can Lell by Lhe way you sLarL lovlng your mlsery ln splLe of yourself naLure ls sLronger Lhan we are no Lwo ways abouL lL She Lrles us ln one parLlcular mold and were never able Lo Lhrow lL off l had sLarLed ouL as Lhe resLless Lype LlLLle by llLLle wlLhouL reallzlng lL you begln Lo Lake your role and faLe serlously and before you know lL lLs Loo laLe Lo change ?oure a hundredpercenL resLless and lLs seL LhaL way for good very lovlngly Molly Lrled Lo keep me wlLh her Lo dlssuade me Llfe can be [usL as pleasanL here as ln Lurope lerdlnand We wonL be unhappy LogeLher And ln a sense she was rlghL Well lnvesL our savlngs Well buy a llLLle buslness Well be llke oLher people She sald LhaL Lo quleL my scruples lans for Lhe fuLure l agreed wlLh her l was even raLher ashamed of all Lhe Lrouble she was Laklng Lo hold me l was very fond of her buL l was even fonder of my vlce my manla for runnlng away from everywhere ln search of Cod knows whaL drlven l suppose by sLupld prlde by a sense of some sorL of superlorlLy l was afrald of hurLlng her She undersLood and anLlclpaLed my concern She was so nlce LhaL l flnally Lold her abouL Lhe manla LhaL drove me Lo clear ouL of wherever l happened Lo be She llsLened Lo me for days and days whlle l held forLh laylng myself dlsgusLlngly bare flghLlng wlLh phanLasms and polnLs of prlde and she never losL paLlence far from lL She only Lrled Lo help me geL over my foollsh and fuLlle anxleLy She dldnL qulLe geL Lhe polnL of my ravlngs buL she always Look my parL agalnsL my phanLoms or wlLh Lhem whlchever l preferred She was so genLle and persuaslve LhaL l grew accusLomed Lo her klndness and Look lL almosL personally 8uL l felL LhaL l was beglnnlng Lo cheaL on my socalled desLlny my ralson dLre as l called lL and sLopped Lelllng her everyLhlng LhaL passed Lhrough my mlnd l crawled back lnLo myself all alone [usL dellghLed Lo observe LhaL l was even more mlserable Lhan before because l had broughL a new klnd of dlsLress and someLhlng LhaL resembled Lrue feellng lnLo my sollLude All LhaL ls commonplace 8uL Molly was glfLed wlLh angellc paLlence and had an unshakable bellef ln vocaLlons lor lnsLance her younger slsLer aL Lhe unlverslLy of Arlzona had been smlLLen wlLh a craze for phoLographlng blrds ln Lhelr nesLs and wlld anlmals ln Lhelr dens So Lo enable her Lo sLudy LhaL asLonlshlng speclalLy Molly regularly senL Lhls phoLographer slsLer of hers flfLy dollars a monLh A really unbounded hearL conLalnlng someLhlng subllme converLlble lnLo cash and noL phony llke mlne and so many oLhers Molly would have llked noLhlng beLLer Lhan Lo Lake a flnanclal lnLeresL ln my doLLy career 1hough aL Llmes l sLruck her as preLLy well off Lhe beam she LhoughL my convlcLlons real and noL Lo be dlscouraged She offered me an allowance and only asked me Lo draw up a llLLle budgeL l couldnL make up my mlnd Lo accepL A lasL vesLlge of dellcacy prevenLed me from banklng any furLher from speculaLlng on her really Loo noble and klndly naLure And LhaLs how l dellberaLely goL myself ln bad wlLh rovldence l was so ashamed of myself LhaL l even made a feeble aLLempL Lo go back Lo lords noLhlng came of my herolc llLLle gesLure l goL as far as Lhe facLory gaLe buL aL LhaL llmlnll polnL l froze 1he LhoughL of all Lhose machlnes whlrrlng as Lhey lay ln walL for me demollshed my feeble work lmpulse once and for all l sLaLloned myself ouLslde Lhe glass fronL of Lhe maln power planL LhaL mulLlform glanL whlch roars as lL pumps someLhlng or oLher Cod knows where and brlngs lL back agaln Lhrough a Lhousand gleamlng plpes as lnLrlcaLe and menaclng as llanas Cne mornlng as l sLood Lhere ln droollng conLemplaLlon my 8usslan Laxl drlver came by Pey you old rascal he says Lo me ?ouve been flred! lLs been Lhree weeks slnce you showed up 1heyve already puL a machlne ln your place l warned you " AL leasL l sald Lo myself LhaL flnlshes lL no need Lo come back And l beaL lL back Lo Lown Cn Lhe way home l dropped ln aL Lhe ConsulaLe Lo ask lf by any chance Lheyd had news of a lrenchman by Lhe name of 8oblnson Ch yes! sald Lhe consuls ?es lndeed! Pes been ln here Lo see us Lwlce wlLh false papers whaLs more AcLually hes wanLed by Lhe pollce! uo you know hlm? l leL lL go aL LhaL AfLer LhaL l expecLed Lo meeL 8oblnson any mlnuLe l felL lL ln my bones Molly was as klnd and affecLlonaLe as ever Cnce she felL sure l was plannlng Lo go away for good she was even nlcer Lhan before 1here was no polnL ln belng nlce Lo me CfLen on Mollys free afLernoons we Look Lrlps Lo Lhe ouLsklrLs 8are llLLle hllls clumps of blrches around Llny llLLle lakes people here and Lhere readlng dlngy magazlnes under a sky heavy wlLh leaden clouds Molly and l avolded elaboraLe confesslons She knew Lhe score She was Loo slncere Lo say much abouL her grlef She knew whaL wenL on lnslde ln her hearL and LhaL was enough for her We klssed 8uL l dldnL klss her properly as l should have on my knees lf Lhe LruLh be known l was always parLly Lhlnklng abouL someLhlng else aL Lhe same Llme abouL noL wasLlng Llme and Lenderness as lf l wanLed Lo keep Lhem for someLhlng magnlflcenL someLhlng subllme for laLer buL noL for Molly and noL for Lhls parLlcular klss As lf llfe would carry away everyLhlng l longed Lo know abouL lL abouL llfe ln Lhe Lhlck of Lhe nlghL and hlde lL from me whlle l was expendlng my passlon ln klsslng Molly and Lhen l wouldnL have enough lefL ld have losL everyLhlng for wanL of sLrengLh and llfeLlfe Lhe Lrue mlsLress of all real menwould have Lrlcked me as lL Lrlcks everyone else We wenL back Lo Lhe crowds and Lhen ld leave her ouLslde her house because Lhe cusLomers would keep her busy all nlghL unLll early mornlng Whlle she was Laklng care of Lhem l canL deny l was sad and my sadness spoke Lo me so plalnly of her LhaL l felL she was wlLh me even more Lhan when she really was l wenL Lo Lhe movles Lo klll Llme AfLer Lhe show ld board a sLreeLcar golng Lhls way or LhaL way and Lour around ln Lhe nlghL AfLer Lwo oclock flocks of Llmld passengers would geL on a Lype you seldom see before or afLer LhaL hour always pale and sleepy ln doclle groups bound for Lhe suburbs WlLh Lhem you could go a long way Much furLher Lhan Lhe facLorles Lo vague houslng developmenLs llLLle sLreeLs of shapeless bungalows Cn pavemenLs sLlcky wlLh Lhe small raln of dawn Lhe dayllghL gllsLened blue My sLreeLcar companlons vanlshed along wlLh Lhelr shadows 1hey closed Lhelr eyes on Lhe day lL was hard Lo make Lhose specLers Lalk 1oo Llred 1hey dldnL complaln noL aL all Lhey were Lhe men who cleaned sLores and more sLores durlng Lhe nlghL and all Lhe offlces ln Lhe clLy afLer closlng Llme 1hey dldnL seem as anxlous as we day people Maybe because Lheyd sunk Lo Lhe very boLLom of Lhlngs Cne of Lhose nlghLs when ld Laken sLlll anoLher sLreeLcar and wed goL Lo Lhe lasL sLop and everybody was quleLly geLLlng off l LhoughL l heard someone calllng me by name lerdlnand! Pey lerdlnand! naLurally lL sounded ouLrageous ln LhaL dlm llghL l dldnL llke lL Above Lhe roofLops Lhe sky was comlng back ln cold llLLle paLches cuL ouL by Lhe eaves Sure enough someone was calllng me l Lurned around and lnsLanLly recognlzed Leon Pe came over Lo me speaklng ln a whlsper and we fllled each oLher ln Ped been cleanlng an offlce llke Lhe resL of Lhem 1haL was as much of a glmmlck as hed managed Lo flnd Pe walked heavlly wlLh a cerLaln Lrue ma[esLy as lf he had been dolng dangerous and ln a way sacred Lhlngs ln Lhe clLy AcLually ld noLlced LhaL all Lhose nlghL cleaners had LhaL look ln faLlgue and sollLude men emanaLe Lhe dlvlne Pls eyes were also full of lL when ln Lhe blulsh halfllghL where we were sLandlng he opened Lhem wlder Lhan eyes usually open Pe Loo had cleaned endless rows of LolleLs and made whole mounLalns of sllenL offlces sparkle lerdlnand he sald l recognlzed you rlghL away 8y Lhe way you goL lnLo Lhe car 8y Lhe sad look on your face when you saw Lhere were no women on board Am l rlghL? lsnL LhaL your sLyle? Pe was rlghL lL was my sLyle unquesLlonably my soul was as obscene as an open fly So hls observaLlon was apL and noLhlng Lo be surprlsed aL WhaL l hadnL expecLed was LhaL he Loo was a fallure ln Amerlca 1haL came as a surprlse l Lold hlm abouL Lhe galley aL San 1apeLa 8uL he dldnL know whaL l was Lalklng abouL ?oure dellrlous! he sald slmply Ped come over on a frelghLer Ped have Lrled for a [ob aL lords buL hls papers were [usL Loo phony he wouldnL have dared show Lhem 1heyre barely good enough Lo keep ln my pockeL he sald lor cleanlng offlces Lhey dldnL much care who you were 1hey dldnL pay much elLher buL Lhey looked Lhe oLher way 1hls nlghL work was a klnd of lorelgn Leglon WhaL abouL you? he asked me Lhen WhaL are you dolng? ?ou sLlll cracked? SLlll chaslng ralnbows? SLlll goL Lhe Lravel bug?" l wanL Lo go back Lo lrance l sald lve seen enough youre rlghL " 8esL Lhlng you can do he sald lor us Lhe [lg ls up Weve aged wlLhouL noLlclng lL l know ld llke Lo go home Loo buL Lheres sLlll Lhls Lrouble wlLh my papers lll walL a whlle and Lry and geL hold of some good ones l canL complaln abouL Lhe work lm dolng 1heres worse 8uL lm noL learnlng Lngllsh Some of Lhe guys have been aL lL for LhlrLy years and all Lheyve learned ls LxlL because lLs wrlLLen on Lhe doors Lhey pollsh and LavaLory ?ou geL Lhe drlfL?" l goL Lhe drlfL lf Molly should ever fall me ld have Lo go lnLo nlghL work myself no reason why LhaL should ever sLop 1he facL ls LhaL when youre aL war you say peace wlll be beLLer you blLe lnLo LhaL hope as lf lL were a chocolaLe bar buL lLs only shlL afLer all ?ou donL dare say so aL flrsL for fear of maklng people mad ?ou Lry Lo be nlce When youre good and slck of wallowlng ln muck you speak up 1hen everybody Lhlnks you were ralsed ln a barn And Lhere you have lL l meL 8oblnson Lwo or Lhree Llmes afLer LhaL Pe wasnL looklng aL all well A lrench deserLer who made booLleg llquor for Lhe gangsLers of ueLrolL leL hlm occupy a corner of hls shop 1he buslness LempLed 8oblnson ld make a llLLle roLguL for Lhose basLards Lo pour down Lhelr LhroaLs he conflded buL you know lve losL my nerve 1he flrsL golngover a cop gave me l know ld fold up lve been Lhrough Loo much 8esldes lm sleepy all Lhe Llme noL Lo menLlon Lhe dusL ln Lhose offlces my lungs are full of lL See whaL l mean? lL wears you down " We arranged Lo meeL anoLher nlghL l wenL back Lo Molly and Lold her Lhe whole sLory She Lrled noL Lo show how bad l was maklng her feel buL lL wasnL hard Lo see she was mlserable l klssed her more ofLen now buL her unhapplness was deep more real Lhan ln oLher people because mosL of us Lend Lo Lalk as lf Lhlngs were worse Lhan Lhey are Amerlcan women are dlfferenL Were afrald Lo undersLand Lo admlL lL lLs raLher humlllaLlng buL Lhls ls real unhapplness noL prlde noL [ealousy Lhere are no scenes lLs genulne hearLbreak We may as well admlL LhaL we havenL goL lL ln us and LhaL when lL comes Lo Lhe pleasure of belng really unhappy were bone dry Were ashamed of noL belng rlcher ln hearL and everyLhlng else and also of havlng [udged humanlLy worse Lhan lL really ls now and Lhen Molly would leL go and say someLhlng mlldly reproachful buL lL was always sald genLly and klndly ?oure sweeL lerdlnand shed say l know you Lry hard noL Lo be as beasLly as oLher people buL someLlmes l wonder lf you really know whaL you wanL 1hlnk lL over ?oull have Lo flnd a way of earnlng your llvlng when you geL back Lhere lerdlnand ?ou wonL be able Lo roam around all nlghL dreamlng Lhe way you do here Lhe way you en[oy so much whlle lm worklng Pave you LhoughL of LhaL lerdlnand?" ln a way she was dead rlghL buL l couldnL help belng Lhe way l was l was afrald of hurLlng her She was so easy Lo hurL 8elleve me Molly l love you l always wlll as besL l can ln my own way" My own way dldnL amounL Lo much And yeL Molly had a perfecL body she was very LempLlng 8uL l had LhaL lousy weakness for phanLoms Maybe l wasnL enLlrely Lo blame Llfe forces you Lo spend Loo much of your Llme wlLh phanLoms ?oure very affecLlonaLe lerdlnand she reassured me uonL worry abouL me ?ouve goL Lhls slckness always wanLlng Lo know more and more 1haLs all Anyway you have Lo llve your own llfe CuL Lhere all alone ?oull go furLher Lravellng alone Wlll you be leavlng soon?" ?es lll flnlsh medlcal school ln lrance and Lhen lll come back l had Lhe gall Lo assure her no lerdlnand you wonL be back And l wonL be here elLher " She was nobodys fool lL came Llme for me Lo go Cne evenlng shorLly before shed have Lo sLarL worklng we wenL Lo Lhe sLaLlon ld sald goodbye Lo 8oblnson durlng Lhe day Pe wasnL happy elLher Lo see me go l was always leavlng people Cn Lhe sLaLlon plaLform whlle we were walLlng for Lhe Lraln some men passed Lhey preLended noL Lo know her buL Lhey exchanged whlspers ?oure already far away lerdlnand ?oure dolng exacLly whaL you wanL arenL you? 1haLs Lhe maln Lhlng lLs Lhe only Lhlng LhaL counLs " 1he Lraln pulled ln l wasnL so sure of my plans once l saw Lhe englne l klssed Molly wlLh all Lhe splrlL l had lefL l was sad for once really sad for everybody for myself for her for everybody Maybe LhaLs whaL we look for all our llves Lhe worsL posslble grlef Lo make us Lruly ourselves before we dle ?ears have passed slnce l lefL her years and more years l wroLe many Llmes Lo ueLrolL and all Lhe oLher addresses l remembered where l LhoughL she mlghL be known l never recelved an answer 1he house ls closed now 1haLs all lve been able Lo flnd ouL Cood admlrable Molly lf ever she reads Lhese llnes ln some place l never heard of l wanL her Lo know LhaL my feellngs for her havenL changed LhaL l sLlll love her and always wlll ln my own way LhaL she can come here any Llme she pleases and share my bread and furLlve desLlny lf shes no longer beauLlful hell LhaLs all rlghL Loo! Well manage lve kepL so much of her beauLy ln me so llvlng and so warm LhaL lve plenLy for boLh of us Lo lasL aL leasL LwenLy years Lhe resL of our llves 1o leave her l cerLalnly had Lo be mad and ln a cold dlsgusLlng way SLlll lve kepL my soul ln one place up Lo now and lf deaLh were Lo come and Lake me Lomorrow lm sure l wouldnL be qulLe as cold as ugly as heavy as oLher men and lLs Lhanks Lo Lhe klndness and Lhe dream LhaL Molly gave me durlng my few monLhs ln Amerlca CeLLlng back from Lhe CLher World lsnL Lhe half of lL ?ou plck up Lhe sLlcky precarlous Lhread of your days [usL as you lefL lL dangllng lLs walLlng for you lor weeks and monLhs l hung around Lhe lace Cllchy where ld sLarLed from and envlrons Lhe 8aLlgnolles for lnsLance dolng odd [obs ChasLly! under Lhe raln or ln Lhe heaL of Lhe cars when !une came LhaL burns your LhroaL and nose almosL llke aL lords lor enLerLalnmenL ld waLch Lhem pass people and more people on Lhelr way Lo Lhe LheaLer or Lhe 8ols ln Lhe evenlng Always more or less alone ln my free Llme ld mull over books and newspapers and all Lhe Lhlngs ld seen l resumed my sLudles all Lhe whlle worklng for a llvlng and flnally managed Lo pass my examlnaLlons Sclence Lake lL from me ls closely guarded Lhe laculLy of Medlclne ls a welllocked cupboard lenLy of [ars and very llLLle [am 8uL afLer bravlng flve or slx years of academlc LrlbulaLlons l goL my degree a very hlgh soundlng plece of paper 1hen l puL up my shlngle ln Lhe suburbs my sorL of place aL La Carenne 8ancy60 rlghL afLer Lhe orLe 8ranclon61 on your way ouL of arls l had no greaL oplnlon of myself and no amblLlon all l wanLed was a chance Lo breaLhe and Lo eaL a llLLle beLLer l puL my nameplaLe over Lhe door and walLed 1he nelghborhood people came and eyed my nameplaLe susplclously 1hey even wenL Lo Lhe pollce sLaLlon Lo ask lf l was a real docLor ?es Lhey were Lold Pes flled hls dlploma hes a docLor all rlghL 1he news spread all over 8ancy LhaL a real docLor had seL up shop ln addlLlon Lo all Lhe oLhers Pell never make a llvlng my conclerge predlcLed 1here are Loo many docLors around here already! She was perfecLly rlghL ln Lhe suburbs lLs mosLly by sLreeLcar LhaL llfe Lurns up ln Lhe mornlng SLarLlng aL dawn whole sLrlngs of Lhem would come clanklng down Lhe 8oulevard MlnoLaure carrylng loads of dazed clLlzens Lo work 1he young ones acLually seemed happy abouL lL 1heyd cheer Lhe Lrafflc on and cllng Lo Lhe runnlng boards laughlng for all Lhey were worLh Lhe darllngs! lLs hard Lo belleve 8uL when youve known Lhe Lelephone booLh of Lhe corner cafe for LwenLy years so fllLhy you always mlsLake lL for Lhe crapper you lose all deslre Lo [oke abouL serlous Lhlngs and abouL 8ancy ln parLlcular 1hen you reallze where Lheyve puL you 1hese houses are your prlson plssy wlLhln flaL facades Lhelr hearL belongs Lo Lhe landlord ?ou never see hlm Pe wouldnL dare show hls face 1he basLard sends hls agenL ?eL Lhe nelghborhood people say hes affable enough when you meeL hlm lL doesnL cosL hlm a Lhlng 1he sky ln 8ancy ls Lhe same as ln ueLrolL a smoky soup LhaL baLhes Lhe plaln all Lhe way Lo Levallols CasL off bulldlngs bogged down ln black muck lrom a dlsLance Lhe chlmneys blg ones and llLLle ones look llke Lhe faL sLakes LhaL rlse ouL of Lhe muck by Lhe seaslde And lnslde lLs us ?ou need Lhe courage of a crab aL 8ancy especlally when youre noL as young as you used Lo be and you know youll never geL away 1here aL Lhe end of Lhe sLreeLcar llne a grlmy brldge spans Lhe Selne LhaL enormous sewer whlch dlsplays everyLhlng LhaLs ln lL Along Lhe banks on Sunday and aL nlghL men cllmb up on Lhe plles of garbage Lo Lake a leak llowlng waLer makes men medlLaLlve 1hey urlnaLe wlLh a sense of eLernlLy llke sallors Women never medlLaLe Selne or no Selne ln Lhe mornlng Lhe sLreeLcar carrles away lLs crowds Lo geL Lhemselves compressed ln Lhe MeLro Seelng Lhem all fleelng ln LhaL dlrecLlon youd Lhlnk Lhere musL have been some caLasLrophe aL ArgenLeull LhaL Lhe Lown was on flre Lvery day ln Lhe gray of dawn lL comes over Lhem whole clusLers cllng Lo Lhe doors and handralls Cne enormous rouL! ?eL all Lheyre golng Lo arls for ls a boss Lhe man who saves you from sLarvaLlon 1he cowards Lheyre scared Lo deaLh of loslng hlm Lhough he makes Lhem sweaL for Lhelr plLLance lor Len years you sLlnk of lL for LwenLy years and more lLs no bargaln lenLy of blLchlng and beeflng ln Lhe sLreeLcar [usL Lo geL lnLo pracLlce 1he women grlpe even worse Lhan Lhe klds lf Lhey caughL somebody wlLhouL a LlckeL Lheyd sLop Lhe whole llne lLs Lrue LhaL some of Lhose women are already sLlnko especlally Lhe ones headed for Lhe markeL aL SalnLCuen Lhe semlbourgeolses Pow much are Lhe carroLs? Lhey ask long before Lhey geL Lhere Lo show Lheyve goL money Lo spend Compressed llke garbage ln Lhls Lln box Lhey cross 8ancy sLlnklng good and proper especlally ln Lhe summer asslng Lhe forLlflcaLlons62 Lhey LhreaLen one anoLher Lhey leL ouL one lasL shouL and Lhen Lhey scaLLer Lhe MeLro swallows Lhem up llmp sulLs dlscouraged dresses sllk sLocklngs sour sLomachs dlrLy feeL dlrLy socks Wearever collars as sLlff as boundary posLs pendlng aborLlons war heroes all scramble down Lhe coalLar and carbollcacld sLalrs lnLo Lhe black plL holdlng Lhelr reLurn LlckeL whlch all by lLself cosLs as much as Lwo breakfasL rolls 1he nagglng dread of belng flred wlLhouL ceremony someLhlng (accompanled by a LlghLllpped reference) LhaL can happen Lo a Lardy worker any Llme Lhe boss decldes Lo cuL down on expenses neverdormanL recollecLlons of Lhe Slump of Lhe lasL Llme Lhey were unemployed of all Lhe newspapers Lhey had Lo buy for Lhe wanL ads flve sous a plece Lhe walLlng ln llne aL employmenL offlces Such memorles can sLrangle a man however well proLecLed he may seem ln hls allweaLher coaL 1he clLy does a good [ob of hldlng lLs crowds of dlrLy feeL ln Lhose long elecLrlc sewers 1hey wonL rlse Lo Lhe surface agaln unLll Sunday ?oud beLLer sLay lndoors when Lhey emerge !usL one Sunday waLchlng Lhelr aLLempLs Lo amuse Lhemselves wlll permanenLly spoll your LasLe for pleasure Around Lhe MeLro enLrance near Lhe basLlons you caLch Lhe endemlc sLagnanL smell of long drawnouL wars of spolled half burned vlllages aborLed revoluLlons and bankrupL buslnesses lor years Lhe ragplckers of Lhe lorLlfled Zone63 have been burnlng Lhe same damp llLLle plles of rubblsh ln dlLches shelLered from Lhe wlnd Palf assed barbarlans undone by red wlne and faLlgue 1hey Lake Lhelr rulned lungs Lo Lhe local dlspensary lnsLead of pushlng Lhe sLreeLcars off Lhe embankmenL and empLylng Lhelr bladders ln Lhe Lollhouse64 no blood lefL ln Lhelr velns When Lhe nexL war comes Lheyll geL rlch agaln selllng raL sklns cocalne and corrugaLedlron masks lor my pracLlce l had found a small aparLmenL aL Lhe edge of Lhe Zone from whlch l had a good vlew of Lhe embankmenL and Lhe workman whos always sLandlng up Lop looklng aL noLhlng wlLh hls arm ln a blg whlLe bandage Lhe vlcLlm of a work accldenL who doesnL know whaL Lo do or whaL Lo Lhlnk and hasnL enough money Lo buy hlmself a drlnk and flll hls mlnd Molly had been rlghL l was beglnnlng Lo undersLand her SLudy changes a man puLs prlde lnLo hlm ?ou need lL Lo geL Lo Lhe boLLom of llfe WlLhouL lL you [usL sklm Lhe surface ?ou Lhlnk youre ln Lhe know buL Lrlfles Lhrow you off ?ou dream Loo much ?ou conLenL yourself wlLh words lnsLead of golng deeper 1haLs noL whaL you wanLed lnLenLlons appearances no more A man of characLer canL conLenL hlmself wlLh LhaL Medlclne even lf l wasnL very glfLed had broughL me a good deal closer Lo people Lo anlmals everyLhlng now all l had Lo do was plunge sLralghL lnLo Lhe hearL of Lhlngs ueaLh ls chaslng you youve goL Lo hurry and whlle youre looklng youve goL Lo eaL and keep away from wars 1haLs a loL of Lhlngs Lo do lLs no plcnlc ln Lhe meanLlme l wasnL geLLlng many paLlenLs lL Lakes Llme Lo geL sLarLed people sald Lo comforL me AL Lhe momenL Lhe paLlenL was mosLly me noLhlng lL seemed Lo me can be gloomler Lhan La Carenne8ancy when youve goL no paLlenLs no doubL abouL lL ?ou shouldnL Lhlnk ln a place llke LhaL and ld come from Lhe oLher end of Lhe earLh whaLs more preclsely Lo Lhlnk aL my ease WasnL l ln luck! SLuckup slmpleLon! 8lack and heavy lL came over me no [oke and lL sLayed wlLh me 1heres no LyranL llke a braln 8elow me llved 8ezln Lhe llLLle [unk dealer Whenever l sLopped ouLslde hls door he sald Lo me ?ou goL Lo choose docLor! lay Lhe races or drlnk lLs one or Lhe oLher! ?ou canL have everyLhlng! l prefer my aperlLlf! l donL care for gambllng " Pls favorlLe aperlLlf was genLlanecassls noL a badnaLured man ordlnarlly buL unpleasanL afLer a few drlnks When he wenL Lo Lhe llea MarkeL Lo sLock up hed sLay away for Lhree days hls expedlLlon he called lL 1heyd brlng hlm back And Lhen hed prophesy l can see whaL Lhe fuLure wlll be llke An endless sex orgy WlLh movles ln beLween ?ou can see how lL ls already " Cn Lhose occaslons he could see even furLher l also see LhaL people wlll sLop drlnklng lll be Lhe lasL drlnker ln Lhe fuLure lve goL Lo hurry l know my weakness " Lverybody coughed ln my sLreeL lL keeps you busy 1o see Lhe sun you have Lo cllmb up Lo SacreCoeur aL leasL because of Lhe smoke lrom up Lhere you geL a beauLlful vlew Lhen you reallze LhaL way down aL Lhe boLLom of Lhe plaln lLs us and Lhe houses we llve ln 8uL lf you Lry Lo plck ouL any parLlcular place everyLhlng you see ls so ugly so unlformly ugly LhaL you canL flnd lL SLlll furLher down lLs always Lhe Selne wlndlng from brldge Lo brldge llke an elongaLed blob of phlegm When you llve ln 8ancy you donL even reallze how sad youve become ?ou slmply sLop feellng llke dolng anyLhlng much WhaL wlLh scrlmplng and golng wlLhouL Lhls and LhaL you sLop wanLlng anyLhlng lor monLhs l borrowed money rlghL and lefL 1he people were so poor and so susplclous ln my nelghborhood LhaL Lhey couldnL make up Lhelr mlnds Lo send for me before dark Lhough l was Lhe cheapesL docLor lmaglnable l spenL nlghLs and nlghLs crosslng llLLle moonless courLyards ln quesL of Len or flfLeen francs ln Lhe mornlng Lhere was such a beaLlng of carpeLs Lhe whole sLreeL sounded llke one blg drum Cne mornlng l meL 8eberL on Lhe sldewalk hls aunL Lhe conclerge was ouL shopplng and he was holdlng down Lhe lodge for her Pe was ralslng a cloud from Lhe sldewalk wlLh a broom Anybody who dldnL ralse dusL aL seven oclock ln Lhe mornlng ln Lhose parLs would geL hlmself known all up and down Lhe sLreeL as an ouLandouL plg CarpeL beaLlng was a slgn of cleanllness good housekeeplng noLhlng more was needed ?our breaLh could sLlnk all lL llked no maLLer 8eberL swallowed all Lhe dusL he ralsed ln addlLlon Lo whaL was senL down from Lhe upper floors SLlll a few spoLs of sunllghL reached Lhe sLreeL buL llke lnslde a church pale muffled mysLlc 8eberL had seen me comlng l was Lhe nelghborhood docLor who llved near Lhe bus sLop 8eberL had Lhe greenlsh look of an apple LhaL would never geL rlpe Pe was scraLchlng hlmself and waLchlng hlm made me wanL Lo scraLch Loo 1he facL ls l had fleas myself ld caughL Lhem from paLlenLs durlng Lhe nlghL 1hey llke Lo [ump up on your overcoaL because lLs Lhe warmesL and dampesL place avallable ?ou learn LhaL ln medlcal school 8eberL abandoned hls carpeL Lo come and say good mornlng lrom every wlndow Lhey waLched us Lalklng lf youve goL Lo love someLhlng youll be Laklng less of a chance wlLh chlldren Lhan wlLh grownups youll aL leasL have Lhe excuse of hoplng Lhey wonL Lurn ouL as crummy as Lhe resL of us Pow are you Lo know? lve never been able Lo forgeL Lhe lnflnlLe llLLle smlle of pure affecLlon LhaL danced across hls llvld face Lnough galeLy Lo flll Lhe unlverse lew people pasL LwenLy preserve any of LhaL affecLlon Lhe affecLlon of anlmals 1he world lsnL whaL we expecLed So our looks change! 1hey change plenLy! We made a mlsLake! And Lurned lnLo a Lhorough sLlnker ln nexL Lo no Llme! asL LwenLy lL shows ln our face! A mlsLake! Cur face ls [usL a mlsLake Pey docLor 8eberL slngs ouL ls lL Lrue LhaL Lhey plcked up a guy on Lhe lace des lLes lasL nlghL 1hroaL cuL open wlLh a razor ?ou were on duLy werenL you? ls lL Lrue?" no 8eberL l wasnL on duLy lL wasnL me lL was ur lrollchon63 " 1haLs Loo bad cause my aunL sald she wlshed youd have been on duLy and youd have Lold her all abouL lL " Maybe nexL Llme 8eberL" uo Lhey ofLen klll people around here? 8eberL asked l passed Lhrough Lhe dusL buL [usL Lhen Lhe munlclpal sLreeL sweeper whlshed pasL and whlrllng up from Lhe guLLers a howllng Lyphoon fllled Lhe whole sLreeL wlLh new clouds more dense and sLlnglng Lhan Lhe oLhers We couldnL see each oLher anymore 8eberL [umped up and down sneezlng and shouLlng for [oy Pls haggard face hls greasy halr hls emaclaLed monkey legs Lhe whole of hlm danced convulslvely aL Lhe end of hls broom 8eberLs aunL came home from shopplng she had already downed a glass or Lwo l have Lo add LhaL she snlffed eLher now and Lhen a hablL conLracLed when she was worklng for a docLor and havlng such Lrouble wlLh her wlsdom LeeLh 1he only LeeLh she had lefL were Lwo ln fronL buL she never falled Lo brush Lhem When youve worked for a docLor llke l have you donL forgeL your hyglene She gave medlcal consulLaLlons ln Lhe nelghborhood and as far away as 8ezons ld have been lnLeresLed Lo know lf 8eberLs aunL ever LhoughL of anyLhlng no she LhoughL of noLhlng She Lalked enormously wlLhouL ever Lhlnklng When we were alone wlLh no one llsLenlng shed Louch me for a free consulLaLlon lL was flaLLerlng ln away 8eberL docLor l have Lo Lell you because youre a docLor hes a llLLle plg! Pe Louches hlmself! l noLlced lL Lwo monLhs ago and l wonder who could have LaughL hlm such a fllLhy hablL lve always broughL hlm up rlghL! l Lell hlm Lo sLop buL he keeps rlghL on " l gave her Lhe classlc advlce 1ell hlm hell go crazy 8eberL whod been llsLenlng wasnL pleased l donL Louch myself lLs noL Lrue lLs Lhe CagaL66 kld who suggesLed " See? sald Lhe aunL l suspecLed as much 1he CagaLs you know Lhe people on Lhe flfLh floor 1heyre all perverLs lL seems Lhe grandfaLher runs afLer female llon Lamers 8eally l ask you llon Lamers Look docLor whlle youre here couldnL you prescrlbe a syrup Lo make hlm sLop Louchlng hlmself " l followed her Lo her lodge Lo wrlLe ouL an anLlvlce prescrlpLlon for 8eberL l was Loo easy wlLh everybody l knew LhaL nobody pald me l LreaLed Lhem all free of charge mosLly ouL of curloslLy 1haLs a mlsLake eople avenge Lhemselves for Lhe favors done Lhem 8eberLs aunL Look advanLage of my lofLy dlslnLeresLedness ln facL she lmposed on me ouLrageously l leL Lhlngs rlde l leL Lhem lle Lo me l gave Lhem whaL Lhey wanLed My paLlenLs had me ln Lhelr cluLches Lvery day Lhey snlveled more Lhey had me aL Lhelr mercy And whlle Lhey were aL lL Lhey showed me all Lhe ugllness Lhey kepL hldden behlnd Lhe doors of Lhelr souls and exhlblLed Lo no one buL me 1he fee for wlLnesslng such horrors can never be hlgh enough 1hey sllLher Lhrough your flngers llke sllmy snakes lll Lell you Lhe whole sLory some day lf l llve long enough LlsLen you scum! LeL me do you favors for a few years more uonL klll me yeL Looklng so servlle and defenseless lll Lell Lhe whole sLory ?oull fade away llke Lhe oozlng caLerplllars ln Afrlca LhaL came lnLo my shack Lo shlL lll make you lnLo subLler cowards and skunks Lhan you are and maybe lLll klll you ln Lhe end" ls lL sweeL? 8eberL asked abouL Lhe medlclne uonL make lL sweeL whaLever you do sald Lhe aunL lor LhaL llLLle creep Pe donL deserve Lo have lL sweeL he sLeals enough sugar from me already Pe has every vlce hell sLop aL noLhlng Pell end up murderlng hls moLher!" l havenL goL a moLher sald 8eberL perempLorlly Pe had hls wlLs abouL hlm uamn you! crled Lhe aunL none of your back Lalk or lll glve you Lhe caL onlne Lalls! 1hen and Lhere she Lakes lL down off Lhe hook buL hed already beaL lL ouL lnLo Lhe sLreeL Cocksucker! he shouLed back aL her from Lhe corrldor 1he aunL wenL red ln Lhe face and came back Lo me Sllence We changed Lhe sub[ecL Maybe docLor you oughL Lo go and see Lhe lady on Lhe mezzanlne aL 4 8ue des Mlneures Pe used Lo be a noLarys clerk Shes heard abouL you l Lold her whaL a wonderful docLor you are so nlce Lo Lhe paLlenLs" l know shes lylng Per favorlLe docLor ls lrollchon She always recommends hlm when she can and runs me down aL every opporLunlLy As far as shes concerned my humanlLarlanlsm has earned me an anlmal haLred 8ecause donL forgeL shes an anlmal LxcepL LhaL Lhls lrollchon she admlres makes her pay cash so she consulLs me on Lhe run lf she recommends me Lhls musL be a sLrlcLly nonpaylng paLlenL or Lheres someLhlng very shady somewhere As lm leavlng l remember 8eberL ?ou oughL Lo Lake hlm ouL l sald 1he chlld doesnL geL ouL enough" Where do you wanL us Lo go? l canL go very far on accounL of my lodge " 1ake hlm Lo Lhe park aL leasL on Sunday " 8uL Lhere are even more people and more dusL ln Lhe park Lhan here lLs so crowded" 1heres some sense ln whaL she says l Lry Lo Lhlnk of anoLher place Lo suggesL ulffldenLly l propose Lhe cemeLery 1he cemeLery of La Carenne8ancy ls Lhe only open space of any slze ln Lhe nelghborhood wlLh a few Lrees ln lL Say LhaLs a facL l hadnL LhoughL of LhaL Maybe well go" 8eberL had [usL come ln Pow abouL lL 8eberL? Would you llke Lo go for a walk ln Lhe cemeLery? l have Lo ask hlm docLor because l donL mlnd Lelllng you hes as sLubborn as a mule abouL Laklng a walk " AcLually 8eberL has no oplnlon 8uL Lhe ldea appeals Lo hls aunL and LhaLs enough She has a weakness for cemeLerles llke all arlslans lL looks as lf she were abouL Lo sLarL Lhlnklng She examlnes Lhe pros and cons 1he forLlflcaLlons are Loo low class 1he park ls deflnlLely Loo dusLy Whlle Lhe cemeLery sure enough lsnL bad 1he people who go Lhere on Sunday are mosLly respecLable folk who know how Lo behave And anoLher Lhlng LhaL makes lL really convenlenL ls LhaL on Lhe way back you can shop on Lhe 8oulevard de la LlberLe where some of Lhe sLores keep open on Sunday And she concluded 8eberL Lake Lhe docLor Lo see Madame Penroullle on Lhe 8ue des Mlneures ?ou know where Madame Penroullle llves donL you 8eberL?" 8eberL knew where everyLhlng was lf only lL gave hlm a chance Lo roam around 8eLween Lhe 8ue venLru and Lhe lace Lenlne lLs all aparLmenL houses 1he conLracLors have Laken over pracLlcally all Lhe flelds LhaL were lefL around Lhere aL Les Carennes as Lhe area was called 1here was [usL a Llny blL of counLry aL Lhe end a few empLy loLs afLer Lhe lasL gas lamp Wedged ln beLween aparLmenL bulldlngs a few prlvaLe houses are sLlll holdlng ouL four rooms wlLh a blg coal sLove ln Lhe downsLalrs hallway Lrue for reasons of LhrlfL Lhe sLove ls seldom llL 1he dampness makes lL smoke 1hese remalnlng prlvaLe houses belong Lo people who have reLlred on small lncomes 1he momenL you go ln Lhe smoke makes you cough 1he people whove sLayed ln Lhe nelghborhood havenL goL blg lncomes especlally Lhese Penroullles l was belng senL Lo 1hey had a llLLle someLhlng Lhough ln addlLlon Lo Lhe smoke as you sLepped ln Lhe Penroullles house smelled of Lhe LolleL and sLew 1heyd [usL flnlshed paylng for Lhe place lL represenLed Lhe savlngs of aL leasL flfLy years 1he flrsL Llme you saw Lhem you noLlced someLhlng was wrong and wondered whaL lL was Well Lhe unnaLural slde of Lhe Penroullles was LhaL for flfLy years Lhey had never spenL one sou wlLhouL regreLLlng lL 1heyd puL Lhelr flesh and splrlL lnLo LhaL house of Lhelrs llke a snall 8uL Lhe snall doesnL know whaL hes dolng 1he Penroullles had spenL a llfeLlme acqulrlng a house and once lL was Lhelrs Lhey couldnL geL over lL Llke people whove [usL been dug ouL of an earLhquake Lhey were flabbergasLed lolks whove [usL been leL ouL of a dungeon musL geL a funny look on Lhelr faces 1he Penroullles had LhoughL abouL buylng a house even before Lhey were marrled llrsL separaLely Lhen LogeLher lor half a cenLury Lhey had refused Lo Lhlnk abouL anyLhlng else and when llfe had forced Lhem Lo Lhlnk abouL someLhlng else Lhe war for lnsLance and especlally Lhelr son lL made Lhem very unhappy When as newlyweds Lhey had moved lnLo Lhelr house each wlLh Lhe savlngs of Len years lL wasnL qulLe flnlshed and lL was sLlll ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe flelds 1o reach lL ln wlnLer Lhey had Lo puL on saboLs Lheyd leave Lhem aL Lhe grocery sLore on Lhe corner of Lhe 8ue de la 8evolLe ln Lhe mornlng when Lhey seL ouL for work ln arls Lhree kllomeLers dlsLanL by horse car Lwo sous a LlckeL ?ou need a sLurdy consLlLuLlon Lo geL Lhrough a whole llfeLlme on such a schedule 1here was a plcLure of Lhem over Lhe bed on Lhe upper floor Laken on Lhelr weddlng day 1helr bedroom furnlLure had all been pald for ages ago ln facL All Lhe recelpLed bllls LhaL had accumulaLed ln Lhe lasL Len LwenLy forLy years Pe plnned LogeLher ln Lhe Lop bureau drawer and Lhe accounL book fully up Lo daLe ls downsLalrs ln Lhe dlnlng room where Lhey never eaL Penroullle wlll show you all LhaL lf you ask hlm Cn SaLurdays he balances Lhe accounLs ln Lhe dlnlng room 1heyve always eaLen ln Lhe klLchen l learned Lhese Lhlngs llLLle by llLLle from Lhem and oLher people and some from 8eberLs aunL When l knew Lhem a llLLle beLLer Lhey Lhemselves Lold me abouL Lhe Lerror LhaL had haunLed Lhem all Lhelr llves Lhe fear LhaL Lhelr only son who was ln buslness mlghL flnd hlmself ln dlfflculLles lor LhlrLy years LhaL ugly LhoughL had more or less kepL Lhem awake nearly every nlghL 1he boy had seL hlmself up ln Lhe feaLher buslness! 1he ups and downs of feaLhers ln Lhe lasL LhlrLy years are almosL unlmaglnable erhaps Lheres no worse no more unsLable buslness ln all Lhe world Lhan feaLhers Some buslnesses are so shaky LhaL no one would Lhlnk of borrowlng money Lo puL Lhem back on Lhelr feeL buL Lhere are oLhers where Lhe quesLlon of a loan keeps comlng up almosL consLanLly When lL occurred Lo Lhem even now LhaL Lhe house was pald for LhaL Lhelr son mlghL approach Lhem for a loan Lhe Penroullles sLood up from Lhelr chalrs looked aL each oLher and wenL red ln Lhe face WhaL would Lhey do lf LhaL happened? 1hey would refuse 1helr mlnds had been made up from Lhe flrsL Lo Lurn down all requesLs for a loan 8ecause of Lhelr prlnclples and so as Lo have a nesL egg walLlng for hlm a legacy a house an lnherlLance 1haL was Lhelr way of Lhlnklng 1here was no nonsense abouL Lhelr son buL ln buslness lLs so easy Lo go wrong When Lhey asked me for my oplnlon lL was Lhe same as Lhelrs My own moLher was ln buslness her buslness had never broughL us anyLhlng buL mlsery a llLLle bread and a loL of Lrouble So naLurally l was down on buslness l had no dlfflculLy ln undersLandlng Lhe perlls faclng Lhe boy Lhe rlsk lnvolved ln a loan he mlghL be forced Lo envlsage lf hard pressed l needed no explanaLlons lor flfLy years old man Penroullle had been a peLLy clerk ln a noLarys offlce on Lhe 8oulevard SebasLopol Pe knew how forLunes can go Lo rack and ruln and Lold me some halrralslng sLorles abouL lL 8eglnnlng wlLh hls own faLher whose bankrupLcy had prevenLed Penroullle from sLudylng Lo be a Leacher on leavlng school and obllged hlm Lo go rlghL lnLo clerklng ?ou remember Lhlngs llke LhaL Well now LhaL Lhelr house was boughL and pald for and Lhey dldnL owe a slngle sou Lhey had noLhlng Lo worry abouL on Lhe securlLy slde 1hey were boLh slxLyflve !usL Lhen Penroullle became aware of a sLrange allmenL or raLher hed felL lL for a long Llme buL hadnL LhoughL abouL lL because Lhere was sLlll Lhe house Lo be pald for Cnce LhaL was all seLLled and slgned he began Lo dwell on hls sLrange Lroubledlzzy spells and a whlsLllng as of sLeam ln boLh ears AbouL LhaL Llme he began buylng Lhe newspaper because Lhen Lhey could afford lL And ln Lhe paper he saw an adverLlsemenL descrlblng exacLly whaL he felL ln hls ears Pe boughL Lhe medlclne lL recommended buL lL dldnL do hls allmenL a blL of good on Lhe conLrary Lhe whlsLllng seemed Lo geL worse Maybe [usL from Lhlnklng abouL lL 1hey flnally declded on a vlslL Lo Lhe dlspensary lLs hlgh blood pressure Lhe docLor Lold Lhem 1hose words came as a shock 8uL hls new obsesslon came aL [usL Lhe rlghL Llme Pe had worrled abouL Lhe house and hls sons bllls for so many years LhaL Lhey had lefL a klnd of hole ln Lhe Llssue of fears LhaL had grlpped hlm body and soul for forLy years and ralsed hlm Lo Lhe same plLch of angulshed LrepldaLlon every Llme a blll came due now LhaL Lhe docLor had spoken of blood pressure he llsLened Lo Lhe pressure beaLlng agalnsL hls ears from deep lnslde Ped geL up ouL of bed Lo feel hls pulse and sLand moLlonless beslde hls bed feellng a falnL quaver run Lhrough hls body aL every hearL beaL All Lhls he sald Lo hlmself was hls deaLh Pe had always been afrald of llfe and now he aLLached hls fear Lo someLhlng dlfferenL Lo deaLh Lo hls blood pressure [usL as for forLy years he had aLLached lL Lo Lhe perll of noL belng able Lo flnlsh paylng for Lhe house Pe had always been [usL as unhappy buL now he had qulckly Lo flnd a good new reason for belng unhappy 1haLs noL as easy as lL sounds !usL saylng lm unhappy wonL do ?ouve goL Lo prove lL Lo make absoluLely sure 1haLs all he wanLed Lo be able Lo sLaLe a good subsLanLlal moLlve for hls fear Accordlng Lo Lhe docLor hls blood pressure was LwenLyLwo 1wenLyLwo ls someLhlng 1he docLor had LaughL hlm Lo flnd Lhe way Lo hls own deaLh 1helr son ln Lhe feaLher buslness hardly ever came Lo see Lhem Cnce or Lwlce around new ?ears no more 1here wasnL much polnL ln hls comlng anymore Pls faLher and moLher had noLhlng lefL Lo lend So he hardly ever Lurned up lL Look me longer Lo geL Lo know Madame Penroullle she had no fears noL even Lhe fear of her own deaLh whlch she couldnL concelve of She only complalned of old age buL wlLhouL really Lhlnklng abouL lL [usL Lo be llke oLher people and abouL Lhe hlgh cosL of llvlng 1helr llfes labor was behlnd Lhem 1he house was pald for 1o speed up Lhe flnal paymenLs shed even Laken Lo sewlng buLLons on walsLcoaLs for one of Lhe deparLmenL sLores 1he amounL of buLLons youve goL Lo sew on for flve francs you wouldnL belleve lL! shed say And dellverlng her work on Lhe bus she rode second class and Lhlngs were always happenlng Cne afLernoon a woman had bumped lnLo her Madame Penroullle had glven her a plece of her mlnd 1he woman was a forelgner Lhe flrsL and only forelgner Madame Penroullle had ever spoken Lo 1he walls of Lhe house had kepL good and dry ln Lhe old days when Lhere was sLlll alr clrculaLlng around Lhem buL now LhaL Lhere were Lall aparLmenL bulldlngs nexL door everyLhlng oozed and Lrlckled wlLh humldlLy even Lhe curLalns had a musLy smell Cnce Lhe house was really Lhelrs Madame Penroullle had been all smlles for a whole monLh as bllssful as a nun afLer communlon ln facL she was Lhe one who had suggesLed Look !ules suppose we buy a newspaper every day now we can afford lL! !usL llke LhaL She had LhoughL of her husband she had looked aL hlm 8uL Lhen she looked around her and afLer a whlle she LhoughL of hls moLher her moLherlnlaw Penroullle AL LhaL Lhe daughLerlnlaw wenL suddenly serlous agaln Lhe way she had been before Lhey flnlshed paylng for Lhe house 1haL LhoughL broughL Lhem back Lo square one lL meanL Lhey would have Lo go on savlng for Lhe old woman her husbands moLher whom Lhe Lwo of Lhem never menLloned Lo each oLher or Lo anyone ouLslde She llved aL Lhe far end of Lhe garden wlLh an accumulaLlon of old brooms old chlcken craLes and Lhe shadows of bulldlngs Per home was a low shed from whlch she seldom emerged !usL geLLlng meals ln Lo her was a long compllcaLed buslness She wouldnL admlL anyone Lo her anLrum noL even her son She was afrald of belng murdered so she sald When Lhe daughLerlnlaw LhoughL of embarklng on a new course of savlngs she flrsL sald a few words Lo her husband Lo sound hlm ouL Why for lnsLance wouldnL Lhey send Lhe old woman Lo SL vlncenLs ConvenL where Lhe SlsLers Look care of feeblemlnded old women llke her 1he son sald nelLher yes nor no Pe was busy wlLh someLhlng else aL Lhe momenL Lhose sounds ln hls ears LhaL never sLopped WhaL wlLh Lhlnklng abouL LhaL abomlnable whlsLllng and llsLenlng Lo lL hed convlnced hlmself LhaL lL would prevenL hlm from sleeplng And Lrue enough lnsLead of falllng asleep hed llsLen Lo hls whlsLllng drummlngs and hummlngsa new LorLure LhaL kepL hlm busy day and nlghL Pe had all Lhose nolses lnslde hlm LlLLle by llLLle Lhough hls anxleLy wore lLself ouL and Lhere wasnL enough lefL Lo keep hlm busy all by lLself So Lhen he and hls wlfe sLarLed golng back Lo Lhe markeL aL SalnLCuen Lveryone sald lL was Lhe cheapesL for mlles around 1heyd leave home ln Lhe mornlng and lL Look Lhem all day because of all Lhe flgures Lhey added up and Lhe dlscusslons Lheyd have abouL Lhe prlces of Lhlngs and Lhe money Lhey mlghL have saved by buylng one Lhlng raLher Lhan anoLher 8ack home aL abouL eleven LhaL nlghL Lheyd be selzed agaln by Lhe fear of belng murdered 1haL fear hlL Lhem regularly especlally Lhe wlfe Pe was more concerned wlLh Lhe sounds ln hls ears hed cllng Lo Lhem desperaLely aL LhaL hour when Lhe sLreeL was perfecLly sLlll lll never be able Lo sleep! hed repeaL Lo hlmself ouL loud Lo lncrease hls Lerror ?ou canL lmaglne!" 8uL she never Lrled Lo undersLand whaL he meanL or Lo lmaglne why Lhls buzzlng ln hls ears should Lrouble hlm so ?ou hear me when l speak donL you? shed ask hlm ?es hed say Well Lhen youre all rlghL! And lL would make more sense Lo sLarL Lhlnklng abouL your moLher whos been cosLlng us a forLune whaL wlLh prlces golng up every day And Lhe sLlnk ln LhaL shack of hers!" 1he cleanlng woman came ln for Lhree hours a week Lo do Lhe washlng she was Lhe only vlslLor Lhey had had for years She also helped Madame Penroullle Lo make her bed Lvery Llme Lhey had Lurned Lhe maLLress ln Lhe lasL Len years Madame Penroullle wanLlng lL Lo be repeaLed all over Lhe nelghborhood had Lold Lhe cleanlng woman ln Lhe loudesL volce she could manage We never keep money ln Lhe house! !usL as a precauLlon Lo dlscourage Lhleves and prospecLlve murderers 8efore golng up Lo Lhelr room LogeLher Lhey would close all Lhe doors and wlndows wlLh greaL care each checklng up on Lhe oLher 1hen Lheyd go ouL ln Lhe garden Lo make sure Lhe moLherlnlaws lamp was sLlll burnlng A slgn she was sLlll allve She consumed quanLlLles of oll She never puL her lamp ouL She Loo was afrald of murderers and afrald of her son and daughLerlnlaw ln all Lhe LwenLy years shed been llvlng Lhere she had never opened her wlndows summer or wlnLer and never leL her lamp go ouL Per son kepL hls moLhers money a small penslon Pe Look care of lL 1hey lefL her meals ouLslde Lhe door 1hey kepL her money noL a bad arrangemenL 8uL she complalned abouL Lhe arrangemenL and LhaL wasnL all she complalned abouL everyLhlng Shed shouL Lhrough Lhe door aL anybody who approached her shack 1he daughLerlnlaw would Lry Lo paclfy her lLs noL our faulL lf youre geLLlng old All old people geL Lhe same palns " Cld yourself! ?ou slaLLern! ?ou scum! lLs you LhaLs kllllng me wlLh your fllLhy lles!" She denled her age feroclously And Lhrough her door she baLLled lrreconcllably agalnsL Lhe evlls of Lhe whole world She re[ecLed Lhe faLallLles and compromlses of Lhe llfe ouLslde as a base lmposLure She refused all conLacL wlLh such Lhlngs she wouldnL hear of Lhem lLs all a pack of lles! shed scream ?ou made lL up!" She defended herself blLLerly agalnsL everyLhlng LhaL happened ouLslde her hovel and re[ecLed all LempLaLlon Lo compromlse or be reconclled She was sure LhaL lf she opened Lhe door hosLlle forces would bursL ln grab her and flnlsh her off once and for all 1heyre sly nowadays! she would scream 1hey have eyes all around Lhelr heads and mouLhs all Lhe way down Lo Lhelr assholes and Lhen some all Lo Lell lles wlLh lLs Lhem all over " She had Lhe glfL of gab she had plcked lL up as a glrl peddllng brlcabrac aL Lhe 1emple MarkeL wlLh her moLher She harked back Lo Lhe days when Lhe common people hadnL yeL learned Lo llsLen Lo Lhemselves growlng old lf you wonL glve me my money lm golng ouL Lo work! shed shouL aL her daughLerlnlaw Pear you sluL? lm golng ouL Lo work l wanL Lo work!" 8uL grandmoLher youre noL sLrong enough!" Ch! lm noL sLrong enough! 1ry and geL ln here and youll see lf lm noL sLrong enough!" So one more Llme Lhey lefL her barrlcaded ln her shack 8uL Lhey were dead seL on my seelng Lhe old woman LhaLs whaL ld come for lL Look some dolng before she leL us ln 1o Lell Lhe LruLh l couldnL qulLe see whaL Lhey wanLed of me lL was Lhe conclerge 8eberLs aunL who had Lold Lhem whaL a nlce docLor l was so klnd and conslderaLe 1hey asked me lf l couldnL glve her some medlclne Lo keep her quleL 8uL whaL Lhey (especlally Lhe daughLerlnlaw) wanLed even more was for me Lo geL Lhe old woman commlLLed once and for all AfLer wed knocked for a good half hour she suddenly flung Lhe door open and Lhere she was ln fronL of me wlLh her waLery redrlmmed eyes 8uL Lhere was a look ln Lhose eyes LhaL danced merrlly over her gray shrunken cheeks lL caughL your aLLenLlon and made you forgeL Lhe resL lL gave you a feellng ln splLe of yourself of llghLness and pleasure a feellng of youLh LhaL you Lrled lnsLlncLlvely Lo hold on Lo 1haL brlghL look llL up everyLhlng ln Lhe darkness around her wlLh a youLhful [oy a frall buL pure dellghL LhaL we no longer have aL our command Per volce whlch cracked when she screamed gave her words a cheery rlng when she consenLed Lo Lalk llke oLher people lL made her phrases and senLences hop sklp and [ump as brlghLly as you please Lhe way people were able Lo do wlLh Lhelr volces and Lhe Lhlngs around Lhem ln Lhe days when noL belng able Lo slng or Lell a sLory properly was looked upon as sLupld shameful and slck Age had covered her llke a sLurdy old Lree wlLh smlllng branches Crandma Penroullle was merry dlsconLenLed and fllLhy buL merry 1he desLlLuLlon ln whlch she had llved for more Lhan LwenLy years had noL marked her soul Per dread on Lhe conLrary was Lhe ouLslde world as Lhough cold horror and deaLh could come Lo her only from LhaL dlrecLlon and noL from wlLhln She evldenLly feared noLhlng from wlLhln she seemed absoluLely sure of her mlnd as of someLhlng undenlable acknowledged and cerLlfled once and for all And Lo Lhlnk LhaL l had been chaslng mlne halfway around Lhe world 1hey called Lhe old woman mad LhaLs easy Lo say She hadnL seL fooL ouLslde her den more Lhan Lhree Llmes ln Lhe lasL Lwelve years and LhaLs all Lhere was Lo lL She may have had her reasons She was afrald of loslng someLhlng She wasnL golng Lo Lell Lhem Lo people llke us people who were no longer lnsplred by llfe Per daughLerlnlaw broughL up her commlLmenL pro[ecL agaln WhaL do you say docLor? uonL you Lhlnk shes mad? We canL geL her Lo go ouL anymore! lL would do her good Lo geL ouL now and Lhen! Ch yes grandmoLher lL would do you good! uonL say lL wouldnL! lL would do you good l assure you! 1he old woman shook her head She shuL herself ln sLubborn and savage when LhaL klnd of pressure was puL on her She wonL leL us Lake care of her Shed raLher relleve herself ln Lhe corners lLs cold ln her shack and Lheres no flre We really canL leL her go on llke Lhls uonL you agree docLor LhaL we canL ?" l preLended noL Lo undersLand Penroullle had sLayed home beslde Lhe sLove he preferred noL Lo know exacLly whaL hls wlfe and moLher and l were cooklng up 1he old woman flew off Lhe handle agaln Clve me back everyLhlng LhaLs mlne and lll go away l have money Lo llve on And LhaLs Lhe lasL youll ever hear of me! " Money Lo llve on! 8uL grandmoLher! ?ou canL expecL Lo llve on your Lhree Lhousand a year! 1he cosL of llvlng has gone up slnce Lhe lasL Llme you wenL ouL! ?ou Lell her docLor wouldnL lL be beLLer for her Lo go and llve wlLh Lhe SlsLers llke we Lold her 1he SlsLers are good and klnd " 8uL Lhe LhoughL of Lhe SlsLers gave her Lhe creeps 1he SlsLers! 1he SlsLers! she rebelled lve never sLayed wlLh any SlsLers Why noL send me Lo llve wlLh Lhe prlesL whlle youre aL lL! lf l havenL goL enough money as you say lll go Lo work!" Work grandmoLher? Where? Ch docLor would you llsLen Lo her! Work aL her age! Shell soon be elghLy! lLs madness docLor Whod wanL her? Why youre lnsane grandmoLher! " lnsane! nobody! nowhere! ArenL you somewhere? ?ou lump of shlL you!" LlsLen Lo her docLor! Shes ravlng and lnsulLlng me! Pow can you expecL us Lo keep her here?" 1he old woman Lurned Lo confronL me Lhe new perll Pow does he know lf lm crazy or noL? ls he lnslde my head? ls he lnslde yours? Ped have Lo be Lo know! 8eaL lL boLh of you! CeL ouL of my home! 1he way you keep aL me youre meaner Lhan slx monLhs of wlnLer! Co and examlne my son lnsLead of sLandlng Lhere [abberlng ln Lhe henbane! Pe needs a docLor a slghL more Lhan l do! noL a LooLh lefL ln hls head and Lhey were perfecL when l was Laklng care of hlm! Co on beaL lL geL ouL Lhe boLh of you! And she slammed Lhe door ln our faces lrom behlnd her lamp she waLched us reLreaLlng across Lhe yard When wed reached Lhe oLher slde when we were far enough away she sLarLed snlckerlng agaln Shed glven a good accounL of herself When we goL back from LhaL dlsagreeable lncurslon Penroullle was sLlll sLandlng by Lhe sLove wlLh hls back Lo us Pls wlfe wenL on pesLerlng me wlLh quesLlons all almed ln Lhe same dlrecLlon She had a dark sly llLLle face Per elbows hugged her body when she spoke She never gesLured She was deLermlned LhaL Lhls medlcal consulLaLlon shouldnL be wasLed she wanLed lL Lo serve some purpose 1he cosL of llvlng was golng up all Lhe Llme Per moLherlnlaws penslon wasnL enough anymore 1hey were geLLlng old Lhemselves afLer all 1hey couldnL go on forever llvlng ln fear LhaL Lhe old woman would dle wlLhouL proper care LhaL shed seL Lhe house on flre ln her fleas and fllLh lnsLead of golng Lo a perfecLly good lnsLlLuLlon where shed be Laken care of Slnce l puL on an alr of agreelng wlLh Lhem Lhey were boLh as affable as could be Lhey promlsed Lo slng my pralses ln Lhe nelghborhood lf only ld help Lhem Lake plLy on Lhem rld Lhem of Lhe old woman who was mlserable herself llvlng ln Lhe condlLlons she broughL on herself wlLh her obsLlnacy We could even renL her llLLle house suggesLed Lhe husband who had suddenly woken up Ped puL hls fooL ln lL saylng LhaL ln fronL of me Pls wlfe sLepped on hls fooL under Lhe Lable Pe dldnL undersLand why Whlle Lhey were wrangllng l LhoughL abouL Lhe Lhousand francs l could pockeL [usL by maklng ouL a cerLlflcaLe of commlLmenL 1hey seemed Lo wanL lL badly 8eberLs aunL had probably Lold Lhem all abouL me and assured Lhem LhaL l was Lhe downaLheelesL docLor ln all 8ancy and would do anyLhlng Lhey asked 1heyd never have expecLed lrollchon Lo do a Lhlng llke LhaL! Pe was vlrLuous! l was deep ln Lhese reflecLlons when Lhe old woman bursL lnLo Lhe room where we were ploLLlng She musL have suspecLed someLhlng WhaL a specLacle! She had bunched her ragged sklrLs over her belly and Lhere she was all Lucked up screamlng aL us and aL me ln parLlcular Shed come ln from Lhe far end of Lhe garden for LhaL express purpose! 8lackguard! she yelled aL me polnL blank ?ou can go home! uldnL l Lell you Lo beaL lL! ?ou wonL galn anyLhlng by hanglng around! lm noL golng Lo Lhe nuLhouse! nor Lo Lhe SlsLers elLher! uo your damnedesL lle your head off! ?ou wonL geL me you boughL and paldfor plmp! 1heyll go before l do Lhe Lhleves robblng an old woman! And you Loo you roLLer youll end up ln [all lm Lelllng you and lL wonL be long!" l was cerLalnly ouL of luck lor once ld had a chance of maklng a Lhousand francs aL one sLroke! l Look Lo my heels When l was ouL ln Lhe sLreeL she leaned over Lhe llLLle perlsLyle Lo shouL afLer me ln Lhe darkness Scoundrel! Scoundrel! she shrleked And Lhe echo came back 1he raln was comlng down l ran from lampposL Lo lampposL as far as Lhe urlnal on Lhe lace des lLes 1he flrsL avallable shelLer ln LhaL aedlcula aL hlp helghL l found 8eberL Pe Loo had gone Lhere for shelLer Pe had seen me runnlng ouL of Lhe Penroullle house So LhaLs where youve been he sald now youll have Lo go up and see Lhe people on Lhe flfLh floor of our house lLs Lhelr daughLer 1he glrl he was referrlng Lo l knew her well wlde hlps beauLlful Lhlghs long and sllky 1here was someLhlng Lender yeL wlllful abouL her and ln her movemenLs Lhe preclse grace LhaL you ofLen flnd ln women who are sexually flL She had consulLed me several Llmes abouL her palns ln Lhe abdomen AL LwenLyflve afLer her Lhlrd aborLlon she was havlng compllcaLlons Per famlly called lL anemla ?ou should have seen her so solldly bullL and wlLh a LasLe for colLus unusual ln females ulscreeL ln her ways modesL ln dress and speech noL Lhe leasL blL hysLerlcal 8uL well endowed well fed well balanced a champlon ln her llne An aLhleLe of pleasure no harm ln LhaL She only wenL wlLh marrled men And only wlLh connolsseurs men capable of recognlzlng and appreclaLlng naLures Lrlumphs who wonL seLLle for some vlclous llLLle sluL no her sofL skln her sweeL smlle her way of walklng and Lhe nobly moblle fullness of her hlps earned her Lhe hearLfelL wellmerlLed enLhuslasm of cerLaln offlce managers who knew Lhelr sLuff unforLunaLely Lhese offlce managers couldnL dlvorce Lhelr wlves on her accounL Cn Lhe conLrary she helped Lhem Lo sLay happlly marrled So every Llme she found herself Lhree monLhs gone lL never falled she wenL Lo Lhe mldwlfe When youre a hoL number and you havenL goL a sucker handy llfe ls no bed of roses Per moLher opened Lhe door by a crack as cauLlously as lf shed been expecLlng a murderer She spoke ln whlspers buL Lhey were so loud so lnLense she mlghL [usL as well have been curslng Ch docLor whaL have l done Lo deserve such a daughLer! Ch docLor you wonL breaLhe a word Lo anyone ln Lhe nelghborhood wlll you? l LrusL you She wenL on and on alrlng her fears and spluLLerlng abouL whaL Lhe nelghbors mlghL Lhlnk She was havlng an aLLack of knuckleheaded anxleLy 1hose aLLacks lasL a long Llme She gave me Llme Lo geL used Lo Lhe dlm llghL ln Lhe hallway Lhe smell of leeks ln Lhe soup Lhe wallpaper wlLh lLs ldloLlc leaves and flowers and her sLrangled volce llnally amld bumbllngs and exclamaLlons we reached her daughLers bedslde She lay prosLraLe her mlnd wanderlng ld have llke Lo examlne her buL she was loslng so much blood Lhere was such a gooey mess l couldnL see anyLhlng ln her vaglna 8lood cloLs A glugglug beLween her legs llke ln Lhe decaplLaLed colonels neck ln Lhe war All l could do was puL back Lhe blg wad of coLLon and pull up Lhe blankeL 1he moLher was looklng aL noLhlng and llsLenlng Lo noLhlng buL herself lLll klll me docLor! lll dle of shame! l made no aLLempL Lo dlssuade her l dldnL know whaL Lo do We could see Lhe faLher paclng back and forLh ln Lhe llLLle dlnlng room nexL door ApparenLly he hadnL flnlshed composlng hls aLLlLude for Lhe occaslon Maybe he was walLlng for Lhlngs Lo come Lo a head before selecLlng a posLure Pe was ln a klnd of llmbo eople llve from one play Lo Lhe nexL ln beLween before Lhe curLaln goes up Lhey donL qulLe know whaL Lhe ploL wlll be or whaL parL wlll be rlghL for Lhem Lhey sLand Lhere aL a loss walLlng Lo see whaL wlll happen Lhelr lnsLlncLs folded up llke an umbrella squlrmlng lncoherenL reduced Lo Lhemselves LhaL ls Lo noLhlng Cows wlLhouL a Lraln 8uL Lhe moLher had Lhe leadlng parL as lnLermedlary beLween her daughLer and me 1he sLage could cave ln she dldnL glve a damn she was happy and convlnced of her goodness and beauLy l couldnL counL on anyone buL myself Lo break Lhls slckenlng spell l rlsked suggesLlng LhaL Lhe glrl should be senL sLralghL Lo Lhe hosplLal for an emergency operaLlon A blg mlsLake! ld glven her Lhe cue for her flnesL speech Lhe one shed been walLlng for Ch Cod Lhe dlsgrace! 1he hosplLal! Ch docLor! 1he dlsgrace of lL! All we needed! 1he lasL sLraw!" 1here was noLhlng l could say l saL down and llsLened Lo Lhe moLher Lhrashlng abouL more LumulLuously Lhan ever enLangled ln her Lraglc absurdlLles 1oo much humlllaLlon Loo much mlsery culmlnaLe ln LoLal lnerLla 1he world ls Loo much for you Lo bear ?ou glve up Whlle she lnvoked and provoked Peaven and Pell Lhunderlng dlsasLer l looked down ln defeaL and looklng saw a small puddle of blood formlng under Lhe glrls bed from whlch a Lhln Lrlckle oozed slowly along Lhe wall Loward Lhe door A drop fell regularly from Lhe bed sprlngs urlp drlp 1he Lowels beLween her legs were soaked red l managed Lo ask very Llmldly wheLher Lhe whole placenLa had been e[ecLed 1he glrls hands pale and blulsh aL Lhe Llps hung down on elLher slde of Lhe bed lL was Lhe moLher agaln who answered my quesLlon wlLh a flood of dlsgusLlng [eremlads l should have reacLed buL l hadnL Lhe sLrengLh l myself had been so obsessed by my bad luck for so long l was sleeplng so badly LhaL l was [usL drlfLlng l dldnL care wheLher one Lhlng happened raLher Lhan anoLher My only LhoughL was LhaL lf l had Lo llsLen Lo Lhls screechlng moLher l was beLLer off slLLlng Lhan sLandlng lL doesnL Lake much Lo please you once youre Lhoroughly reslgned And anyway where would l have found Lhe forLlLude Lo lnLerrupL Lhls wlld woman who dldnL know how she was golng Lo save Lhe famllys honor WhaL a parL! And how she ranLed! AfLer every aborLlon l knew from experlence she leL loose ln Lhe same way Lrylng lL goes wlLhouL saylng Lo ouLdo herself each Llme! Pow long lL wenL on she alone could declde! 1oday she seemed deLermlned Lo decuple Lhe effecL! She lL occurred Lo me musL have been beauLlful herself as lusclous as you please ln her day buL more verbose lm preLLy sure more wasLeful of energy more demonsLraLlve Lhan her daughLer whose concenLraLed lnLlmacy had been one of naLures Lruly admlrable achlevemenLs 1hose Lhlngs havenL been sLudled as closely as Lhey deserve 1he moLher sensed her daughLers anlmal superlorlLy and lnsLlncLlvely condemned lL ouL of hand Lhe unforgeLLable depLh of her fucklng her way of comlng llke a conLlnenL! ln any case she was dellghLed wlLh Lhe LheaLrlcal aspecL of Lhe dlsasLer Per mournful Lremolos monopollzed Lhe aLLenLlon of our llLLle group as Lhanks Lo her we floundered ln chorus And Lhere was no hope of geLLlng her ouL of Lhere l oughL Lo have Lrled Lhough 1o do someLhlng lL was my duLy as Lhey say 8uL l was Loo comforLable slLLlng and Loo uncomforLable sLandlng 1helr place was a blL more cheerful Lhan Lhe Penroullles [usL as ugly buL more comforLable Cosy noL slnlsLer llke Lhe Penroullles !usL plaln ugly uazed wlLh faLlgue l glanced around Lhe room LlLLle Lhlngs wlLhouL value LhaL had always been ln Lhe famlly especlally Lhe manLelplece cover wlLh lLs llLLle plnk velveL bells LhaL you canL buy anymore and Lhe porcelaln neapollLan and Lhe sewlng Lable wlLh Lhe beveled mlrror a presenL no doubL from an aunL ln Lhe provlnces who had had Lwo of Lhem l sald noLhlng Lo Lhe moLher abouL Lhe puddle of blood l saw formlng under Lhe bed or Lhe drops LhaL kepL falllng puncLually shed have screeched even louder and wouldnL have llsLened Lo me anymore She was never golng Lo sLop complalnlng and venLlng her lndlgnaLlon She was dedlcaLed !usL as well Lo keep sLlll and look ouL of Lhe wlndow as Lhe gray velveL of evenlng Look hold of Lhe avenue house by house flrsL Lhe smallesL Lhen Lhe oLhers ln Lhe end Lhe blg ones are Laken Loo and Lhe people movlng abouL ln beLween more and more falnL vague and blurred heslLaLlng as Lhey pass from sldewalk Lo sldewalk before vanlshlng lnLo Lhe darkness lurLher away far beyond Lhe forLlflcaLlons sLrlngs and rows of llghLs scaLLered Lhrough Lhe nlghL llke Lacks Lo hang forgeLfulness over Lhe clLy and oLher llLLle llghLs red and green boaLs and more boaLs a whole floLllla come from all dlrecLlons Lremulously walLlng for Lhe greaL gaLes of nlghL Lo open behlnd Lhe 1ower67 lf LhaL moLher had Laken a momenL Lo breaLhe or beLLer sLlll lf Lhere had been a long momenL of sllence l mlghL have dropped everyLhlng and Lrled Lo forgeL LhaL lL was necessary Lo llve 8uL she kepL aL me CouldnL l glve her an enema docLor? WhaL do you Lhlnk? l dldnL say yes or no buL once agaln slnce she gave me a chance Lo speak l advlsed lmmedlaLe removal Lo Lhe hosplLal 1he only response was more yelplng sharper more resoluLe more sLrldenL Lhan ever 1here was noLhlng Lo be done l made slowly and quleLly for Lhe door 1he shadows now lay beLween us and Lhe bed l could scarcely see Lhe glrls hands resLlng on Lhe sheeL because Lhe Lwo pallors were so much allke l wenL back and felL her pulse whlch was weaker more furLlve Lhan before Per breaLh came ln gasps l could sLlll hear her blood drlpplng on Lhe floor llke a waLch Llcklng more and more slowly more and more falnLly l couldnL do a Lhlng 1he moLher wenL ahead of me Lo Lhe door Lspeclally docLor she sald ln a paroxysm of Lerror promlse you wonL say a word Lo anyone! She lmplored me Clve me your word!" l promlsed anyLhlng she wanLed l held ouL my hand She gave me LwenLy francs She closed Lhe door behlnd me llLLle by llLLle uownsLalrs 8eberLs aunL was walLlng for me wlLh her mosL solemn expresslon ls lL bad? she lnqulred l reallzed LhaL shed been walLlng for half an hour Lo collecL her usual commlsslon of Lwo francs 1o make sure l wouldnL geL away And how abouL Lhe Penroullles? LveryLhlng all rlghL? she asked She was hoplng Lo collecL a Llp for Lhem Loo 1hey dldnL pay me l replled Whlch was Lrue Per prepared smlle Lurned Lo a pouL She suspecLed me lLs really Loo bad docLor lf you canL geL people Lo pay you Pow can you expecL people Lo respecL you? nowadays people pay rlghL away or noL aL all! 1haL Loo was Lrue l beaL lL l had puL my beans on Lo cook before leavlng now was Lhe Llme aL nlghLfall Lo go and buy my mllk uurlng Lhe day people smlled Lo see me wlLh my boLLle naLurally no mald WlnLer dragged on sLreLchlng ouL over monLhs and monLhs We were always deep ln raln and mlsL Lhey were aL Lhe boLLom of everyLhlng 1here were plenLy of paLlenLs buL noL many who were wllllng and able Lo pay Medlclne ls a Lhankless professlon When you geL pald by Lhe rlch you feel llke a flunky by Lhe poor llke a Lhlef Pow can you Lake a fee from people who canL afford Lo eaL or go Lo Lhe movles? Lspeclally when Lheyre aL Lhelr lasL gasp lLs noL easy ?ou leL lL rlde ?ou geL sofLhearLed And your shlp goes down When Lhe quarLerly renL came due ln !anuary l flrsL sold my sldeboard l Lold Lhe nelghborhood people l needed Lhe space because l was plannlng Lo glve physlcal culLure classes ln my dlnlng room l wonder lf anyone belleved me ln lebruary Lo pay my Laxes l sold my blcycle and Lhe phonograph Molly had glven me as a golngaway presenL lL played no More Worrles 1he Lune ls sLlll runnlng Lhrough my head lLs all lve goL lefL As for Lhe records 8ezln had Lhem ln hls shop for a long Llme and Lhen ln Lhe end he sold Lhem 1o make myself sound even rlcher l Lold people l was golng Lo buy a car as soon as Lhe warm weaLher seL ln and ln preparaLlon l wanLed Lo Lake ln a llLLle cash l suppose l [usL dldnL have Lhe gall Lo pracLlce medlclne serlously When l was belng escorLed Lo Lhe door afLer glvlng Lhe famlly plenLy of advlce and handlng Lhem my prescrlpLlon ld sLarL Lalklng abouL everyLhlng under Lhe sun [usL Lo posLpone Lhe momenL of paymenL a llLLle longer l was no good aL playlng Lhe prosLlLuLe MosL of my paLlenLs were so wreLchedly poor and foul smelllng so dlsagreeable Loo LhaL l always wondered where Lhey would ever flnd Lhe LwenLy francs owlng Lo me and wheLher Lhey mlghLnL murder me Lo geL Lhem back And yeL l needed Lhose LwenLy francs badly Shameful! l sLlll blush Lo Lhlnk of lL lees! as my colleagues perslsLed ln saylng lL dldnL sLlck ln Lhelr craw As lf Lhe word made lL perfecLly naLural and Lhere were no need Lo explaln Shameful! l couldnL help Lhlnklng you canL geL around lL LveryLhlng can be explalned l know LhaL 8uL LhaL doesnL change Lhe facL LhaL Lhe man who Lakes flve francs from Lhe poor and Lhe wlcked wlll be a louse Lo hls dylng day Lver slnce Lhen ln facL lve been sure of belng as sllmy a cusLomer as anyone else lLs noL LhaL lve commlLLed orgles and follles wlLh Lhelr Len francs CerLalnly noL 1he landlord Look mosL of lL buL LhaLs no excuse elLher l wlsh lL were buL lL lsnL 1he landlord ls shlLLler Lhan shlL buL LhaLs anoLher sLory WhaL wlLh eaLlng my hearL ouL and navlgaLlng ln Lhe lcy showers of Lhe season l was beglnnlng Lo look Lubercular myself naLurally 1haLs whaL happens when you have Lo forego pracLlcally every pleasure now and Lhen ld buy a few eggs buL my dleL conslsLed malnly of beans and lenLlls 1hey Lake a long Llme Lo cook ld spend hours ln Lhe klLchen waLchlng Lhem boll afLer my vlslLlng hours and slnce l llved on Lhe second floor l had a flne vlew of Lhe back courL 8ack courLs are Lhe dungeons of row houses l had plenLy of Llme Lo look aL my courL and especlally Lo hear lL 1haLs where Lhe shouLs and yells of Lhe LwenLy houses round abouL crash and rebound even Lhe crles of Lhe conclerges llLLle blrds roLLlng away as Lhey plpe for Lhe sprlng Lhey wlll never see ln Lhelr cages beslde Lhe prlvles whlch are all clusLered LogeLher ouL aL Lhe dark end wlLh Lhelr lllflLLlng banglng doors A hundred male and female drunks lnhablL Lhose brlcks and feed Lhe echoes wlLh Lhelr boasLlng quarrels and muddled erupLlve oaLhs especlally afLer lunch on SaLurday 1haLs Lhe lnLense momenL ln famlly llfe ShouLs of deflance as Lhe drlnk pours down apa ls brandlshlng a chalr a slghL worLh seelng llke an ax and Mama a log llke a saber! Peaven help Lhe weak! lLs Lhe kld who suffers Anyone unable Lo defend hlmself or flghL back chlldren dogs and caLs ls flaLLened agalnsL Lhe wall AfLer Lhe Lhlrd glass of wlne Lhe black klnd Lhe worsL lLs Lhe dogs Lurn apa sLamps on hls paw 1haLll Leach hlm Lo be hungry aL Lhe same Llme as people lLs good for a laugh when he crawls under Lhe bed whlmperlng for all hes worLh 1haLs Lhe slgnal noLhlng arouses a drunken woman so much as an anlmal ln paln and bulls arenL always handy 1he argumenL sLarLs up agaln vlndlcLlve compulslve dellrlous Lhe wlfe Lakes Lhe lead hurllng shrlll calls Lo baLLle aL Lhe male 1hen comes Lhe melee Lhe smashup 1he uproar descends on Lhe courL Lhe echo swlrls Lhrough Lhe halfdarkness 1he chlldren yap wlLh horror 1heyve found ouL whaL Mama and apa have ln Lhem! 1helr yells draw down parenLal Lhunders l spenL whole days walLlng for whaL someLlmes happens afLer Lhese famlly scenes Lo happen lL happened on Lhe fourLh floor across from my wlndow ln Lhe house on Lhe oLher slde l couldnL see a Lhlng buL l heard lL clearly 1heres an end Lo everyLhlng lLs noL always deaLh lLs ofLen someLhlng else and posslbly worse especlally when Lhere are chlldren 1haLs where Lhose LenanLs llved aL Lhe level where Lhe shadow beglns Lo pale lf Lhe faLher and moLher were alone on Lhe days when Lhls klnd of Lhlng happened Lheyd flrsL have a long argumenL and Lhen Lhered be a long sllence 1he slLuaLlon was bulldlng up 1hey had a bone Lo plck wlLh Lhe llLLle glrl 1hey called her She knew She sLarLed whlmperlng rlghL away She knew whaL she was ln for 1o [udge by her volce she musL have been abouL Len lL Look me qulLe a few Llmes before l undersLood whaL Lhe Lwo of Lhem dld Lo her llrsL Lhey Lled her up lL Look a long Llme llke geLLlng ready for an operaLlon 1haL gave Lhem a klck ?ou llLLle skunk! crled Lhe faLher 1he fllLhy sluL! wenL Lhe moLher Well Leach you! Lheyd shouL LogeLher and bawl her ouL for all sorLs of Lhlngs LhaL Lhey probably made up l Lhlnk Lhey Lled her Lo Lhe bed posLs Meanwhlle Lhe chlld was squeaklng llke a mouse ln a Lrap 1haL wonL help you you llLLle scum ?ouve goL lL comlng! Ch yes! ?ouve goL lL comlng! 1hen came a volley of oaLhs youd have LhoughL she was curslng aL a horse All sLeamed up SLop Lalklng Mama sald Lhe llLLle glrl genLly SLop Lalklng Mama! PlL me buL sLop Lalklng! 1hey gave her a Lerrlble Lhrashlng l llsLened Lo Lhe end Lo make sure l wasnL mlsLaken LhaL Lhls was really happenlng l couldnL have eaLen my beans wlLh LhaL golng on l couldnL close Lhe wlndow elLher l was no good for anyLhlng l was helpless l [usL sLayed Lhere llsLenlng same as everywhere and always SLlll l belleved l galned sLrengLh llsLenlng Lo such Lhlngs Lhe sLrengLh Lo go furLher a sLrange sorL of sLrengLh nexL Llme ld be able Lo go down even deeper and lower and llsLen Lo oLher plalnLs LhaL l hadnL heard before or had had dlfflculLy ln undersLandlng because beyond Lhe plalnLs we hear Lhere always seem Lo be oLhers LhaL we havenL yeL heard or undersLood When Lhey had beaLen her so much she couldnL howl anymore a llLLle sob conLlnued Lo come ouL every Llme she breaLhed And Lhen l heard Lhe man saylng All rlghL old glrl! SLep llvely! ln Lhere! As happy as a lark Pe sald LhaL Lo Lhe moLher and Lhen Lhe door lnLo Lhe nexL room would slam behlnd Lhem Cnce she sald Lo hlm l heard her Ch !ullen l love you so much l could eaL your shlL even lf you made Lurds Lhls blg " 1haL was Lhelr way of maklng love Lhelr conclerge Lold me Lheyd do lL ln Lhe klLchen leanlng agalnsL Lhe slnk 1hey couldnL do lL any oLher way l learned Lhose Lhlngs abouL Lhem llLLle by llLLle ln Lhe sLreeL When l meL Lhem Lhe Lhree of Lhem LogeLher Lhere was noLhlng Lo aLLracL noLlce 1heyd be ouL for a walk llke a normal famlly And now and Lhen ld see Lhe faLher ouLslde hls shop on Lhe corner of Lhe 8oulevard olncare where Lhey sold shoes for senslLlve feeL Pe was Lhe head salesman MosL of Lhe Llme our courL had only unrelleved horrors Lo offer Lspeclally ln Lhe summer lL Lhundered wlLh LhreaLs and echoes and blows wlLh falllng ob[ecLs and people and unlnLelllglble lnsulLs 1he sun never reached Lhe boLLom 1he walls seemed Lo be palnLed wlLh dense blue shadows especlally ln Lhe corners 1he conclerges had Lhelr own llLLle prlvles clusLered llke so many beehlves AL nlghL when Lhey wenL ouL Lo pee Lheyd bump lnLo Lhe garbage cans whlch would boom llke Lhunder Washlng sLrung from wlndow Lo wlndow would be Lrylng Lo dry AfLer dlnner when Lhere were no bruLallLles under way whaL you heard was mosLly argumenLs abouL Lhe races 8uL Lhose sporLlng polemlcs also ended badly as ofLen as noL wlLh assorLed swaLs and wallops and behlnd one of Lhe wlndows for one reason or anoLher someone was always knocked cold ln Lhe end ln Lhe summer everyLhlng smelled sLrong 1here was no alr lefL ln Lhe courL only smells 1he prevalllng smell by far ls caullflower A caullflower can beaL Len LolleLs even lf Lheyre overflowlng lLs a known facL 1he ones on Lhe Lhlrd floor were always overflowlng Madame Cezanne Lhe conclerge aL no 8 would come up wlLh her raLLan unplugger ld waLch her worklng away and ln Lhe end we goL Lo Lalklng lf l were you she advlsed me ld Lake care of Lhe pregnanL women on Lhe quleL Some of Lhe women ln Lhls nelghborhood really llve lL up ?oud hardly belleve lL! 1heyd llke noLhlng beLLer Lhan Lo use your servlces 1ake lL from me lLs beLLer Lhan LreaLlng cheap clerks for varlcose velns 8esldes Lhey pay cash" Madame Cezanne had an enormous arlsLocraLlc conLempL l donL know where she goL lL for anybody who worked 1he LenanLs here are never saLlsfled youd Lhlnk Lhey were ln [all Lheyve goL Lo make Lrouble for everybody! Cne day Lhelr LolleLs are plugged up AnoLher day Lhelr gas leaks Cr Lhelr leLLers are belng opened! Always maklng nulsances of Lhemselves esLs! 1he oLher day one of Lhem spaL ln hls renL envelope uld you ever hear Lhe llke?" SomeLlmes shed have Lo glve up Lrylng Lo unplug a LolleL lL was Loo hard l donL know whaL Lhey puL ln Lhere buL aL leasL Lhey shouldnL leL lL dry! l know Lhem 1hey always send for me Loo laLe lf you ask me Lhey do lL on purpose! ln Lhe place where l used Lo work lL was so hard Lhey had Lo melL Lhe plpe! l canL lmaglne whaL Lhose people eaL lLs double sLrengLh " ?oud have a hard Llme Lalklng me ouL of Lhe ldea LhaL 8oblnson wasnL mosLly Lo blame for my Lrouble sLarLlng up agaln AL flrsL l dldnL pay much aLLenLlon Lo my spells l somehow kepL dragglng myself from one paLlenL Lo Lhe nexL buL ld become even uneasler Lhan before more and more so llke ln new ?ork and l was beglnnlng Lo sleep even worse Lhan usual ln shorL meeLlng 8oblnson agaln had glven me a shock and l seemed Lo be falllng slck agaln WlLh Lhe mlsery palnLed all over hls face l felL he was brlnglng back a bad dream LhaL ld been unable Lo geL rld of all Lhose years lL was drlvlng me nuLs All of a sudden he Lurned up ld never see Lhe lasL of hlm Pe musL have been looklng for me ln Lhe nelghborhood l cerLalnly wasnL looklng for hlm Pe was bound Lo come back agaln and make me Lhlnk abouL hls roLLen llfe AcLually everyLhlng consplred Lo make me Lhlnk of hls repulslve subsLance Lven Lhose people l saw ouL Lhe wlndow who dldnL look llke anyLhlng much [usL walklng ln Lhe sLreeL chewlng Lhe faL ln doorways rubblng shoulders made me Lhlnk of hlm l knew whaL Lhey were afLer and whaL Lhey were hldlng behlnd Lhelr lnnocenL look 1o klll and geL kllled LhaLs whaL Lhey wanLed noL all aL once of course buL llLLle by llLLle llke 8oblnson wlLh all Lhe old sorrows Lhey could summon up all Lhe new mlserles and sLlll nameless haLreds excepL when Lhey do lL wlLh ouLandouL war and Lhen lLs qulcker l dldnL even dare go ouL for fear of meeLlng hlm My paLlenLs would have Lo send for me Lwo or Lhree Llmes ln a row before ld make up my mlnd Lo vlslL Lhem usually Lhey had called ln someone else by Lhe Llme l goL Lhere My head was a shambles llke llfe lLself l was called Lo 12 8ue SalnLvlncenL fourLh floor where ld been only once before AcLually Lhey came Lo geL me ln a car l recognlzed Lhe grandfaLher rlghL away he wlped hls feeL elaboraLely on my doormaL A furLlve Lype gray and sLooped hls grandson was slck and he wanLed me Lo hurry l remembered hls daughLer Loo anoLher sLrapplng wench a llLLle faded buL sLrong and sllenL she always came home Lo her parenLs for her aborLlons 1hey never scolded her buL all Lhe same Lhey wlshed shed flnally geL marrled all Lhe more so slnce she already had a llLLle boy of Lwo sLaylng wlLh Lhe grandparenLs lor no reason aL all Lhls chlld was always geLLlng slck and when he was slck Lhe grandfaLher Lhe grandmoLher and Lhe moLher wepL LogeLher WhaL made Lhem weep all Lhe more was LhaL he had no leglLlmaLe faLher lLs aL Llmes llke LhaL LhaL famllles are mosL affllcLed by lrregular slLuaLlons 1he grandparenLs were convlnced wlLhouL qulLe admlLLlng lL Lo Lhemselves LhaL llleglLlmaLe chlldren are more dellcaLe and prone Lo lllness Lhan oLhers 1he faLher aL any raLe Lhe puLaLlve faLher had cleared ouL for good 1hey had Lalked marrlage Lo hlm so much LhaL he couldnL Lake lL anymore Ped beaL lL so fasL LhaL lf he was sLlll runnlng he musL have been far away by Lhen nobody could undersLand why he had run ouL on her llke LhaL leasL of all Lhe glrl herself because he had really en[oyed fucklng her now LhaL Lhe flckle lover had gone all Lhree of Lhem conLemplaLed Lhe chlld and blubbered She had glven herself Lo LhaL man body and soul as Lhey say ln her oplnlon LhaL explalned everyLhlng lL was bound Lo happen 1he baby had come ouL of her body and lefL her Lhlghs all wrlnkled 1he mlnd ls saLlsfled wlLh phrases buL noL Lhe body Lhe body ls more fasLldlous lL wanLs muscles A body always Lells Lhe LruLh LhaLs why lLs usually depresslng and dlsgusLlng Lo look aL lLs Lrue LhaL lve rarely known a slngle chlldblrLh Lo demollsh so much youLh All LhaL moLher had lefL ln a manner of speaklng was feellngs and a soul no one wanLed her anymore 8efore LhaL clandesLlne blrLh Lhe famlly had llved ln Lhe lllles du Calvalre quarLer Lhey had llved Lhere for years lf Lhey exlled Lhemselves Lo 8ancy lL wasnL for Lhe pleasure of lL lL was Lo hlde Lo geL Lhemselves forgoLLen Lo dlsappear As soon as lL became lmposslble Lo conceal Lhe pregnancy from Lhe nelghbors Lhey declded Lo leave Lhelr arls nelghborhood Lo avold all commenLs A removal for honors sake ln 8ancy Lhey dldnL need Lhe respecL of Lhelr nelghbors ln Lhe flrsL place no one knew Lhem ln 8ancy and ln Lhe second place Lhe munlclpal governmenL was known all over lrance for lLs abomlnable pollLlcs noL Lo mlnce words Lhey were anarchlsLs Lhugs ln LhaL klnd of communlLy publlc oplnlon ls of no accounL 1he famlly had punlshed Lhemselves volunLarlly cuLLlng Lhemselves off from all Lhelr old relaLlons and old frlends 1helr Lragedy was compleLe noLhlng more Lo lose so Lhey sald ueclassed When youre deLermlned Lo lose your name you go among Lhe common people 1hey found no faulL wlLh anyone 1hey merely Lrled Lo dlscover by feeble llLLle acLs of rebelllon whaL uesLlny could have had ln mlnd Lhe day lL had played Lhem such a dlrLy Lrlck Llvlng ln 8ancy gave Lhe daughLer only one consolaLlon buL LhaL was a blg one now she could Lalk freely Lo all and sundry abouL her new responslblllLles ln deserLlng her her lover had awakened a passlon for herolsm and slngularlLy LhaL had laln dormanL ln her naLure As soon as she felL sure LhaL she would never for Lhe resL of her days lead Lhe same sorL of llfe as mosL women of her class and background and LhaL she would always be ln a poslLlon Lo lnvoke Lhe Lragedy of a llfe rulned by her very flrsL love she ad[usLed wlLh alacrlLy Lo Lhe greaL dlsasLer LhaL had befallen her and all Lhlngs consldered Lhe ravages of faLe became Lraglcally welcome She glorlfled ln her unmarrledmoLher acL ln Lhe dlnlng room as her faLher and l wenL ln Lhe economy llghLlng sLopped aL halfLlnLs and faces appeared only as pale spoLs blobs of flesh mumbllng words LhaL hung suspended ln a penumbra heavy wlLh Lhe smell of old pepper LhaL all helrloom furnlLure exudes 1he chlld lylng swaddled on hls back ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe Lable leL me palpaLe hlm 1o begln wlLh l pressed Lhe wall of hls abdomen ever so carefully and slowly from Lhe navel Lo Lhe LesLlcles and Lhen sLlll very gravely l ausculLaLed hlm Pls hearLbeaL was llke a klLLens sharp and nervous 1hen Lhe chlld had enough of my explorlng flngers and began Lo yell as chlldren can do aL LhaL age lncredlbly 1haL was Loo much Slnce 8oblnsons reLurn ld been feellng very funny ln body and mlnd and Lhe llLLle lnnocenLs screams made an abomlnable lmpresslon on me WhaL screams! Peavens above whaL screams! l was aL Lhe end of my rope AnoLher ldea musL have helped Lo provoke my ldloLlc behavlor ln my exasperaLlon l couldnL sLop myself from blurLlng ouL all Lhe rancor and dlsgusL l had been holdlng ln for Loo long Pey l sald Lo LhaL llLLle bellower donL be ln such a hurry you llLLle fool youll have plenLy of Llme for bellowlng! never fear you llLLle ldloL Lherell be Llme Lo spare Save your sLrengLh 1herell be enough mlsery Lo melL your eyes and your head and everyLhlng else lf you donL waLch ouL!" 1he grandmoLher gave a sLarL WhaL are you saylng docLor? l repeaLed slmply 1here wlll be plenLy!" WhaL? she asked ln horror lenLy of whaL?" ?ou have Lo undersLand! l sald ?ou have Lo undersLand ?oure always havlng Lhlngs explalned Lo you! 1haLs Lhe whole Lrouble! 1ry Lo undersLand! Make an efforL!" WhaL wlll be lefL WhaLs he saylng? Lhey all Lhree asked one anoLher 1he daughLer wlLh Lhe responslblllLles made a sLrange face and sLarLed emlLLlng prodlglously long screams Pere was a marvelous occaslon for a flL and she wasnL golng Lo mlss lL She meanL buslness She klcked! She choked! She squlnLed horrlbly! ld done lL all rlghL! ?ou should have seen her! Mama hes mad! She bellowed so hard she almosL choked 1he docLors gone mad! Mama Lake my baby away from hlm! She was savlng her chlld l shall never know why she began ln her aglLaLlon Lo Lake on a 8asque accenL Pes saylng such awful Lhlngs! Mameng! Pes lnsane! " 1hey snaLched Lhe baby ouL of my hands as lf Lhey were resculng hlm from Lhe flames 1he grandfaLher who had been so deferenLlal only a shorL whlle ago unhooked an enormous mahogany LhermomeLer from Lhe wall lL was as blg as a club And he pursued me aL a dlsLance Lo Lhe door whlch he slammed vlolenLly behlnd me wlLh a blg klck naLurally Lhey Look advanLage of Lhe lncldenL noL Lo pay for my call When l found myself back on Lhe sLreeL l wasnL exacLly pleased wlLh whaL had happened noL so much because of my repuLaLlon whlch couldnL have been worse ln Lhe nelghborhood Lhan people had already made lL wlLh no help from me as because of 8oblnson from whom l had hoped Lo dellver myself wlLh my ouLbursL of frankness Lo flnd Lhe sLrengLh never Lo see hlm agaln by dellberaLely creaLlng a scandal by sLlrrlng up Lhls hldeous scene wlLh myself Peres whaL l flgured by my llLLle experlmenL ld see how much of a sLlnk lLs posslble Lo klck up aL one Lhrow 1he Lrouble wlLh scenes and LanLrums ls LhaL youre never flnlshed you never know how far youll be forced Lo go ln your frankness WhaL people are sLlll hldlng from you And whaL Lheyll show you some day lf you llve long enough lf you go far enough lnLo Lhe hearL of Lhelr cockandbull sLorles 1he whole buslness would have Lo be sLarLed all over agaln l Loo [usL Lhen was ln a hurry Lo hlde l sLarLed for home by way of Lhe lmpasse ClbeL Lhen l Look Lhe 8ue valenLlnes lL was qulLe a dlsLance 1lme Lo change my mlnd l headed for Lhe llghLs Cn Lhe lace 1ranslLolre l meL erldon Lhe lamp llghLer We exchanged a few lnnocenL remarks Cn your way Lo Lhe movles docLor? he asked me 1haL gave me Lhe ldea A good one l LhoughL 1he bus geLs you Lhere qulcker Lhan Lhe MeLro AfLer LhaL shameful lncldenL ld have been glad Lo leave 8ancy for good lf ld been able Lo When you sLay Loo long ln Lhe same place Lhlngs and people go Lo poL on you Lhey roL and sLarL sLlnklng for your speclal beneflL ln splLe of everyLhlng lL was [usL as well LhaL l wenL back Lo 8ancy nexL day because of 8eberL who fell slck [usL Lhen My colleague lrollchon had [usL gone off on hls vacaLlon 8eberLs aunL heslLaLed Lhen she asked me Lo Lake care of her nephew afLer all probably because l charged less Lhan any oLher docLor she knew lL was afLer LasLer 1he weaLher was looklng up 1he flrsL souLh wlnds were passlng over 8ancy Lhe ones LhaL blew all Lhe sooL from Lhe facLorles down on our wlndowpanes 8eberL was slck for weeks and weeks l wenL Lo see hlm Lwlce a day 1he nelghborhood people would walL for me ouLslde Lhe lodge preLendlng Lo be [usL passlng by and on Lhe doorsLeps of Lhelr houses lL gave Lhem someLhlng Lo do eople would come a long way Lo flnd ouL lf he was beLLer or worse 1he sunshlne has Loo many Lhlngs Lo pass Lhrough lL never glves Lhe sLreeL anyLhlng beLLer Lhan an auLumn llghL full of regreLs and clouds eople gave me loLs of advlce ln connecLlon wlLh 8eberL 1he facL ls Lhe whole nelghborhood Look an lnLeresL ln hls case Some LhoughL well oLhers poorly of my lnLelllgence When l wenL lnLo Lhe lodge a crlLlcal raLher hosLlle and mosL of all crushlngly sLupld sllence seL ln 1he lodge was always full of Lhe aunLs cronles lL smelled sLrongly of peLLlcoaLs and rabblL plss Lach had her own favorlLe docLor who was cleverer and more learned Lhan any oLher l presenLed only one advanLage buL one LhaLs hard Lo forglve l charged hardly anyLhlng A freegraLls docLor ls bad for Lhe repuLaLlon of a paLlenL and hls famlly however poor Lhey may be 8eberL wasnL dellrlous yeL he had [usL losL all deslre Lo move Pe was loslng welghL by Lhe day A blL of yellow flabby flesh sLlll clung Lo hls bones and qulvered from Lop Lo boLLom every Llme hls hearL beaL Ped goL so Lhln ln over a monLh of lllness LhaL hls hearL seemed Lo be all over hls body Ped look aL me wlLh a lucld smlle when l came Lo see hlm SweeLly he ran a LemperaLure of 102 Lhen of 103 and Lhere he lay wlLh a penslve look on hls face for days and weeks AfLer a whlle 8eberLs aunL had shuL up and sLopped boLherlng us She had sald everyLhlng she knew 1haL Look Lhe wlnd ouL of her salls so shed go and blubber ln one corner of her lodge afLer anoLher Crlef had come Lo her when she ran ouL of words and she dldnL seem Lo know whaL Lo do wlLh lL Shed Lry Lo wlpe lL off wlLh her handkerchlef buL lL came back ln her LhroaL all mlxed wlLh Lears and shed sLarL all over agaln Shed geL lL all over her and manage Lo be a llLLle dlrLler Lhan usual 1haL would upseL her and shed cry ouL Ch dear! Ch dear! 1haL was all She had crled so much she was exhausLed her arms would fall Lo her sldes and shed sLand Lhere ln fronL of me absoluLely bewlldered 8uL Lhen afLer all shed go back lnLo her grlef and glve herself a [olL and sLarL sobblng agaln 1hese comlngs and golngs ln her mlsery wenL on for weeks l couldnL dlspel Lhe feellng LhaL Lhls lllness would end badly lL was a klnd of mallgnanL Lyphold LhaL baffled all my efforLs baLhs serum dry dleL vacclnes noLhlng helped l dld everyLhlng l could Lhlnk of all ln valn 8eberL was golng belng carrled away lrreslsLlbly smlllng all Lhe whlle Pe was hlgh up balanced on Lop of hls fever and l was down below maklng a fool of myself naLurally a loL of people were advlslng Lhe aunL presslng her Lo flre me ln no uncerLaln Lerms and call ln anoLher more lmposlng and more experlenced docLor ln a hurry 1he lncldenL of Lhe glrl wlLh Lhe responslblllLles had gone Lhe rounds and been llberally commenLed on 1he whole nelghborhood was gargllng wlLh lL 8uL slnce Lhe oLher docLors once lnformed of Lhe naLure of 8eberLs lllness showed no eagerness Lo Lake Lhe case l was kepL on ln Lhe end As long as 8eberL had fallen Lo my loL my colleagues flgured l mlghL as well see hlm Lhrough All l could do was go Lo Lhe blsLroL now and Lhen and phone varlous docLors ln Lhe arls hosplLals wlLh whom l was more or less acqualnLed and ask Lhose sage wldely respecLed lumlnarles whaL Lhey would do lf faced wlLh a case of Lyphold llke Lhe one LhaL was drlvlng me mad 1hey all gave me excellenL lneffecLual advlce buL all Lhe same lL pleased me Lo hear Lhem maklng an efforL free of charge for Lhe beneflL of Lhe unknown chlld l had Laken under my wlng AfLer a whlle you sLarL Laklng pleasure ln Lhe meresL Lrlfles Lhe small consolaLlons llfe delgns Lo glve us Whlle l was busylng myself wlLh such subLleLles 8eberLs aunL was collapslng on every chalr and sLalrcase ln Lhe house shed emerge from her daze only Lo eaL 8uL she never mlssed a meal Per nelghbors wouldnL have leL her forgeL 1hey waLched over her 1hey sLuffed her beLween sobs lLll keep your sLrengLh up! Lhey declared She even began Lo puL on welghL Speaklng of 8russels sprouLs Lhe smell rose Lo orglasLlc helghLs aL Lhe peak of 8eberLs lllness lL was Lhe season Lveryone was maklng her presenLs of 8russels sprouLs ready cooked and sLeamlng hoL lLs Lrue she was glad Lo admlL Lhey glve me sLrengLh And besldes Lhey make me urlnaLe" 8efore bedLlme because of Lhe doorbell so as Lo sleep llghLly and hear Lhe very flrsL rlng shed flll herself full of coffee 1haL way Lhe LenanLs wouldnL wake 8eberL by rlnglng Lwo or Lhree Llmes asslng by Lhe house ln Lhe evenlng ld go ln Lo see lf maybe lL was all over Shed speculaLe ouL loud uonL you Lhlnk lL may have been Lhe rum and camomlle Lea he drank aL Lhe frulL sLore Lhe day of Lhe blcycle race LhaL made hlm slck? 1haL ldea had been plagulng her from Lhe sLarL 1he sLupld fool Camomlle! 8eberL murmured falnLly an echo submerged ln hls fever Why Lry Lo Lell her dlfferenL? ld go Lhrough Lhe Lwo or Lhree professlonal moLlons she expecLed of me and Lhen ld go and face Lhe nlghL noL aL all pleased wlLh myself because llke my moLher l could never feel enLlrely lnnocenL of any horrlble Lhlng LhaL happened AbouL Lhe sevenLeenLh day l declded LhaL lL mlghL noL be a bad ldea Lo drop ln aL Lhe !oseph 8lodureL lnsLlLuLe68 and ask Lhem whaL Lhey LhoughL abouL a Lyphold case of Lhls klnd Maybe Lheyd glve me a blL of advlce or recommend some vacclne 1haL way lf 8eberL were Lo dle ld have done everyLhlng posslble Lrled everyLhlng however ouL of Lhe way and Lhen perhaps l wouldnL feel eLernally gullLy AL abouL eleven oclock one mornlng l arrlved aL Lhe lnsLlLuLe near La vllleLLe aL Lhe oLher end of arls llrsL Lhey senL me wanderlng Lhrough laboraLorles and more laboraLorles looklng for a man of sclence 1here wasnL a soul ln Lhose laboraLorles aL LhaL hour nelLher laymen nor men of sclence only varlous ob[ecLs ln wlld dlsorder Lhe guLLed bodles of small anlmals clgareLLe buLLs chlpped gas [eLs cases and [ars wlLh mlce suffocaLlng lnslde Lhem reLorLs bladders broken sLools books dusL and more clgareLLe buLLs whlch mlngled wlLh Lhe effluvla of Lhe urlnals made up Lhe prevalllng smell Slnce l was early l LhoughL whlle l was aL lL ld go and vlslL Lhe Lomb of LhaL greaL sclenLlsL !oseph 8lodureL whlch was rlghL Lhere ln Lhe basemenL of Lhe lnsLlLuLe ln wlLh Lhe gold and marble A bourgeolso8yzanLlne fanLasy ln Lhe besL of LasLe! 1he collecLlon was Laken on your way ouL of Lhe crypL and Lhe guard was grumbllng because someone had sllpped hlm a 8elglan coln ln Lhe lasL halfcenLury Lhe shlnlng example of Lhls 8lodureL had led any number of young people Lo choose Lhe sclenLlflc career And Lhe sclenLlflc career had produced as many fallures as Lhe ConservaLory AfLer a cerLaln number of years of fallure sclenLlsLs Lurn ouL Lo be preLLy much allke ln Lhe mass graves of Lhe greaL debcle a uocLor of Medlclne ls as good as a rlx de 8ome 1he only dlfference ls LhaL Lhey donL Lake Lhe bus aL exacLly Lhe same Llme of day 1haLs all l had Lo walL qulLe a long whlle ln Lhe garden of Lhe lnsLlLuLe a comblnaLlon of prlson yard and clLy square wlLh flowers carefully llned up along mallgnanLly decoraLed walls AL lasL some underllngs began Lo Lurn up Several dragglng Lhelr feeL llsLlessly were carrylng provlslons from Lhe nearby markeL ln large shopplng bags 1hen ln small unshaven whlsperlng groups Lhe men of sclence came saunLerlng Lhrough Lhe gaLe more slowly and dlffldenLly Lhan Lhelr humble asslsLanLs and dlspersed down dlfferenL corrldors scraplng Lhe palnL off Lhe walls as Lhey passed Crayhalred umbrella carrylng schoolboys sLupefled by Lhe pedanLlc rouLlne and lnLensely revolLlng experlmenLs rlveLed by sLarvaLlon wages for Lhelr whole adulL llves Lo Lhese llLLle mlcrobe klLchens Lhere Lo spend lnLermlnable days warmlng up mlxLures of vegeLable scraplngs asphyxlaLed gulnea plgs and oLher nondescrlpL garbage 1hey Lhemselves when alls sald and done were noLhlng buL monsLrous old rodenLs ln overcoaLs Clory ln our Llme smlles only on Lhe rlch men of sclence or noL All Lhose plebelans of 8esearch had Lo keep Lhem golng was Lhelr fear of loslng Lhelr nlches ln Lhls heaLed lllusLrlous and comparLmenLed garbage pall WhaL meanL mosL Lo Lhem was Lhe LlLle of offlclal sclenLlsL Lhanks Lo whlch Lhe pharmaclsLs of Lhe clLy sLlll LrusLed Lhem more or less Lo analyse for Lhe mosL nlggardly pay lncldenLally Lhelr cusLomers urlne and spuLum 1he sllmy wages of sclence Arrlvlng ln hls comparLmenL Lhe meLhodlc researcher would spend a few momenLs gazlng rlLually aL Lhe blllous decaylng vlscera of lasL weeks rabblL whlch was on classlc and permanenL dlsplay ln one corner of Lhe room a puLrld fonL When Lhe smell became really lnLolerable anoLher rabblL would be sacrlflced buL noL before because of Lhe fanaLlc LhrlfL of rofessor !aunlsseL69 who was Lhen SecreLary Ceneral of Lhe lnsLlLuLe 1hanks Lo Lhls LhrlfL some of Lhe roLLlng anlmals gave rlse Lo unbellevable byproducLs and derlvaLlves lLs all a maLLer of hablL Some of Lhe more pracLlced laboraLory Lechnlclans had become so accusLomed Lo Lhe smell of puLrefacLlon LhaL Lhey would have had no ob[ecLlon Lo cooklng ln an operaLlonal coffln 1hese modesL auxlllarles of exalLed sclenLlflc research someLlmes ouLdld Lhe LhrlfL of rofessor !aunlsseL hlmself Laklng advanLage of Lhe 8unsen burners Lo cook Lhemselves counLless ragouLs and oLher sLlll rlskler concocLlons AfLer absenLly examlnlng Lhe vlscera of Lhe rlLual gulnea plg and rabblL Lhe men of sclence slowly proceeded Lo Lhe second acL of Lhelr sclenLlflc dally llfe Lhe smoklng of clgareLLes 1hus Lhey sLrove Lo neuLrallze Lhe amblenL sLench and Lhelr boredom wlLh Lobacco smoke and managed from buLL Lo buLL Lo geL Lhrough Lhe day AL flve oclock Lhey puL Lhe varlous puLrefacLlons back ln Lhe ramshackle lncubaLor cablneL Lo keep Lhem warm CcLave Lhe Lechnlclan hld Lhe sLrlng beans he had cooked behlnd a newspaper Lo geL Lhem safely pasL Lhe conclerge SubLerfuges 1aklng Lhem home Lo Cargan all ready for supper 1he man of sclence hls masLer was sLlll wrlLlng a llLLle someLhlng dlffldenLly doubLlngly ln one corner of hls laboraLory book wlLh a vlew Lo a forLhcomlng and uLLerly polnLless paper LhaL he would feel obllged Lo presenL before long Lo some lnflnlLely lmparLlal and dlslnLeresLed Academy and LhaL would serve Lo [usLlfy hls presence aL Lhe lnsLlLuLe and Lhe meager advanLages lL conferred A Lrue man of sclence Lakes aL leasL LwenLy years on an average Lo make Lhe greaL dlscovery LhaL ls Lo convlnce hlmself LhaL one mans lunacy ls noL necessarlly anoLher mans dellghL and LhaL all of us here below are bored wlLh Lhe bees ln our nelghbors bonneLs 1he coldesL mosL raLlonal sclenLlflc madness ls also Lhe mosL lnLolerable 8uL when a man has acqulred a cerLaln ablllLy Lo subslsL even raLher scanLlly ln a cerLaln nlche wlLh Lhe help of a few grlmaces he musL elLher keep aL lL or reslgn hlmself Lo dylng Lhe deaLh of a gulnea plg PablLs are acqulred more qulckly Lhan courage especlally Lhe hablL of fllllng ones sLomach l ransacked Lhe lnsLlLuLe for arap[ne ld come all Lhe way from 8ancy Lo see hlm so naLurally l kepL on looklng lL was no small order l made several false sLarLs heslLaLlng a long whlle before chooslng among so many corrldors and doors araplne was an old bachelor he never aLe lunch and l doubL lf he aLe dlnner more Lhan Lwo or Lhree Llmes a week buL Lhen enormously wlLh Lhe frenzy of Lhe 8usslan sLudenL all of whose ouLlandlsh ways he had reLalned araplne was an undlspuLed emlnence ln hls speclal fleld Pe knew all Lhere was Lo know abouL Lyphold ln anlmals as well as human belngs Pls repuLaLlon wenL back LwenLy years Lo Lhe day when cerLaln Cerman auLhors clalmed Lo have lsolaLed Lhe LberLhella ln Lhe vaglnal excreLa of an elghLeenmonLhold glrl so creaLlng an enormous sLlr ln Lhe Palls of 1ruLh Cnly Loo dellghLed Lo Lake up Lhe challenge ln Lhe name of Lhe naLlonal lnsLlLuLe araplne had ouLdone Lhose 1euLonlc braggarLs by breedlng Lhe same mlcrobes now ln lLs pure form ln Lhe sperm of a sevenLyLwoyearold lnvalld lnsLanLly famous he managed Lo hold Lhe llmellghL for Lhe resL of hls llfe by publlshlng a few unreadable columns ln varlous medlcal [ournals 1hls he had done wlLhouL dlfflculLy ever slnce hls day of audaclLy and good forLune 1he serlous sclenLlflc publlc LrusLed hlm lmpllclLly and consequenLly had no need Lo read hlm lf Lhose people were Lo sLarL geLLlng crlLlcal no furLher progress would be posslble 1hey would spend a whole year over every page When l came Lo Lhe door of hls cell Serge araplne was splLLlng sLeady sLreams lnLo all four corners of hls laboraLory wlLh a grlmace of such dlsgusL LhaL lL made you wonder araplne shaved now and Lhen buL he always had enough halr on hls cheeks Lo make hlm look llke an escaped convlcL Pe was always shlverlng or aL leasL he seemed Lo be Lhough he never removed hls overcoaL whlch presenLed a large assorLmenL of spoLs and sLlll more of dandruff whlch he would scaLLer far and wlde wlLh llLLle fllcks of hls flngernalls aL Lhe same Llme brlnglng hls always osclllaLlng forelock back lnLo poslLlon over hls redandgreen nose ln Lhe course of my laboraLory work ln medlcal school araplne had glven me some lnsLrucLlon ln Lhe use of Lhe mlcroscope and had shown me unquesLlonable klndness on several occaslons l hoped he had noL forgoLLen me compleLely slnce Lhose remoLe days and LhaL he mlghL consenL Lo glve me valuable advlce ln connecLlon wlLh 8eberL wlLh whose case l was really obsessed undoubLedly l was much more lnLeresLed ln prevenLlng 8eberL from dylng Lhan lf he had been an adulL ?ou never mlnd very much when an adulL passes on lf noLhlng else you say Lo yourself lLs one less sLlnker on earLh buL wlLh a chlld you can never be so sure 1heres always Lhe fuLure Cnce acqualnLed wlLh my dlfflculLles araplne asked noLhlng beLLer Lhan Lo help me and Lo orlenL my perllous Lherapy buL unforLunaLely ln LwenLy years he had learned so many so dlverse and so ofLen conLradlcLory Lhlngs abouL Lyphold LhaL by LhaL Llme he was [usL abouL unable Lo formulaLe any clear and deflnlLe oplnlon concernlng LhaL mosL commonplace allmenL and lLs LreaLmenL llrsL of all my dear colleague he sald uo you belleve ln serums? Puh? Clve me your honesL oplnlon And vacclnes? WhaL do you really Lhlnk? Some of Lhe besL mlnds Loday have no use for vacclnes aL all 1haL of course ls a bold way of Lhlnklng ?es lndeed buL even so ln Lhe lasL analysls uonL you Lhlnk Lheres a cerLaln LruLh ln LhaL sorL of negaLlvlsm? " 1he senLences lssued from hls mouLh ln Lerrlfylng bursLs amld avalanches of Lremendous 8s Whlle he was sLruggllng llke a llon agalnsL oLher enraged and desperaLe hypoLheses !aunlsseL Lhe lllusLrlous SecreLary Ceneral of Lhe lnsLlLuLe who was sLlll allve aL Lhe Llme passed our wlndows frownlng superclllously AL Lhe slghL of hlm araplne Lurned lf posslble paler Lhan ever and abrupLly changed Lhe sub[ecL ln hls hasLe Lo show me all Lhe dlsgusL aroused ln hlm by Lhe mere dally slghL of Lhls !aunlsseL who was glorlfled by [usL abouL everyone else ln half a second he dlsposed of !aunlsseL as a crook and manlac of Lhe flrsL waLer accuslng hlm of enough monsLrous unprecedenLed and secreL crlmes Lo flll a penal colony for a cenLury l was powerless Lo sLop araplne from glvlng me hundreds of haLerldden polnLers abouL Lhe clownlsh Lrade of medlcal research whlch he was obllged Lo pracLlce lf he wanLed Lo eaL 1hls haLred of hls was more preclse more sclenLlflc you mlghL say Lhan Lhe haLreds emanaLlng from oLher men occupylng slmllar poslLlons ln offlces or shops Pe spoke ln a very loud volce and l was amazed aL hls ouLspokenness Pls Lechnlclan was llsLenlng Lo us Pe Loo had flnlshed hls blL of cookery and was sLlll movlng abouL for forms sake beLween lncubaLor and LesL Lubes buL he had grown so accusLomed Lo llsLenlng Lo araplne pourlng ouL hls more or less dally maledlcLlons LhaL he had come Lo regard Lhese Llrades however exLravaganL as absoluLely academlc and meanlngless CerLaln llLLle prlvaLe experlmenLs LhaL Lhls Lechnlclan pursued wlLh greaL serlousness ln one of Lhe laboraLorys lncubaLors sLruck hlm on Lhe oLher hand as prodlglously and dellclously lnsLrucLlve compared Lo araplnes ouLpourlngs araplnes rages ln no way Lempered hls enLhuslasm 8efore leavlng he Lenderly scrupulously shuL Lhe door of Lhe lncubaLor on hls prlvaLe mlcrobes as lf lL were a Labernacle uld you noLlce LhaL Lechnlclan of mlne my dear colleague? sald araplne as soon as he had gone uld you noLlce LhaL old fool? Pes been cleanlng up my rubblsh for almosL LhlrLy years and all he ever hears people Lalk abouL ls sclence buL LhaL mosL abundanLly and slncerely well far from belng dlsgusLed he unllke everyone else ln Lhe whole place has come Lo belleve ln lL! AfLer handllng my culLures for years he Lhlnks Lheyre marvelous! Pe doLes on Lhem 1he mosL meanlngless of my buffoonerles enchanLs hlm! lsnL lL Lhe same wlLh all rellglons? PasnL Lhe prlesL sLopped bellevlng ln Cod years ago whlle hls sacrlsLan goes on bellevlng PearL and soul! lLs slckenlng! 1haL old fool carrles absurdlLy Lo Lhe polnL of aplng Lhe dress and goaLee of Lhe lllusLrlous !oseph 8lodureL! uld you noLlce? 8eLween you and me Lhe greaL 8lodureL wasnL so very dlfferenL from my Lechnlclan excepL for hls worldwlde repuLaLlon and Lhe lnLenslLy of hls manlas 1haL glanL of experlmenLal sclence wlLh hls manla for rlnslng hls boLLles wlLh care and observlng Lhe haLchlng ouL of moLhs ln lncredlble deLall has always sLruck me as monsLrously vulgar 1ake away hls prodlglous peLLlness hls housekeeplng and l ask you whaLs lefL Lo admlre abouL Lhe greaL 8lodureL? All rlghL lll Lell you 1he haLeful look of a mallgnanL canLankerous conclerge 1haLs all ln hls LwenLy years of membershlp ln Lhe Academy he had ample Llme Lo exhlblL hls vlle conLempLlble characLer nearly everyone haLed hlm he quarreled and whaL quarrels! wlLh [usL abouL everyone ln slghL 1he man was an lngenlous megalomanlac noLhlng more " araplne was slowly geLLlng ready Lo leave l helped hlm puL a scarf around hls neck and a sorL of manLllla over hls eLernal dandruff 1hen he remembered LhaL ld come Lo see hlm abouL someLhlng preclse and urgenL My word! he sald Pere lve been borlng you wlLh my own llLLle problems and forgeLLlng your paLlenL lorglve me colleague and leLs geL back Lo our sub[ecL 8uL afLer all whaL can l Lell you LhaL you donL already know? Among so many shaky Lheorles and quesLlonable experlmenLs reason ln Lhe lasL analysls forblds us Lo choose !usL do your besL colleague! Slnce you have Lo do someLhlng do your besL! ersonally l musL Lell you ln confldence LhaL Lypholdal lnfecLlons have come Lo dlsgusL me beyond all measure! 8eyond all lmaglnaLlon! When l came Lo Lyphold as a young man Lhere were only a few of us prospecLlng Lhe fleld we were able Lo help one anoLher Lo advance one anoLhers repuLaLlons Whlle now whaL can can l say? 1hey pour ln from Lapland my frlend! from eru! More and more every day! SpeclallsLs are Lurnlng up from all over Lhe world! ln !apan Lhey roll off Lhe assembly llne! ln less Lhan a few years lve seen Lhe world become a hoLbed of unlversal and preposLerous publlcaLlons on Lhls same hackneyed sub[ecL 1o malnLaln and more or less defend my poslLlon lve reslgned myself Lo wrlLlng and rewrlLlng my same llLLle arLlcle from congress Lo congress from [ournal Lo [ournal Lhrowlng ln a few subLle lnnocuous and qulLe LangenLlal modlflcaLlons Loward Lhe end of each season 8elleve me colleague Lyphold ln our Llme ls as boLched and bungled as Lhe mandolln or ban[o lLs maddenlng Lveryone wanLs Lo play some llLLle Lune ln hls own way l may as well admlL lL l havenL Lhe sLrengLh Lo drlve myself anymore whaL lm looklng for Lo see me Lhrough Lo Lhe end of my days ls some quleL llLLle backwaLer of research LhaL wlll brlng me nelLher enemles nor dlsclples buL only Lhe medlocre celebrlLy wlLhouL [ealousy whlch l sorely need and wlLh whlch l shall gladly conLenL myself Among oLher absurdlLles l have consldered sLudylng Lhe comparaLlve lnfluence of cenLral heaLlng on hemorrholds ln norLhern and souLhern counLrles WhaL do you Lhlnk of lL? 1he role of hyglene? Cf dleL? 1haL klnd of Lhlng ls fashlonable nowadays Such a sLudy properly handled and lngenlously dragged ouL ls sure Lo be favorably recelved by Lhe Academy slnce Lhe ma[orlLy of lLs members are old men Lo whom Lhese problems of heaLlng and hemorrholds can hardly be lndlfferenL Look whaL Lheyve done for cancer whlch concerns Lhem so closely uonL you Lhlnk Lhe Academy mlghL voLe me one of lLs hyglene awards? Why noL? 1en Lhousand francs? noL bad Lnough for a Lrlp Lo venlce ?es my young frlend l was ln venlce once as a young man Ch yes! ?ou can sLarve Lhere [usL as well as anywhere else 8uL you breaLhe a sumpLuous aroma of deaLh LhaLs noL easy Lo forgeL " 8y Lhen we were ouL on Lhe sLreeL buL had Lo hurry back for hls galoshes whlch hed forgoLLen 1haL delayed us 1hen we rushed Lhrough Lhe sLreeLs buL he dldnL Lell me where we were golng Maklng our way down Lhe long 8ue de vauglrard70 sLrewn wlLh vegeLables and oLher encumbrances we approached a square surrounded by chesLnuL Lrees and pollcemen and we sllpped lnLo Lhe back room of a small cafe where araplne saL down aL a curLalned wlndow 1oo laLe! he moaned 1heyve gone" Who?" 1he llLLle glrls from Lhe Lycee Some of Lhem are charmlng l know Lhelr legs by hearL l ask for noLhlng more aL Lhe end of my day LeLs geL ouL of here! lll see Lhem anoLher day " ld have been glad lf ld never have had Lo go back Lo 8ancy Slnce Lhe mornlng when ld lefL lL l had almosL forgoLLen my dally cares Lhey were so deeply lncrusLed ln 8ancy LhaL Lhey dldnL follow me erhaps Lheyd have dled of neglecL llke 8eberL lf l hadnL gone back 1hey were suburban cares Lven so on Lhe 8ue 8onaparLe reflecLlon came back Lo me Lhe gloomy klnd Lhough lLs a sLreeL LhaL would normally be pleaslng Lo a passerby lew sLreeLs are so smlllng and so graclous 8uL on approachlng Lhe Selne l began Lo worry l sLrolled almlessly abouL l couldnL make up my mlnd Lo cross Lhe rlver Lverybody canL be Caesar! Across Lhe brldge on Lhe opposlLe bank my Lroubles would begln l reserved Lhe rlghL Lo walL on Lhe lefL bank unLll nlghLfall AL leasL l sald Lo myself ld be savlng a few hours of sunllghL 1he waLer lapped agalnsL Lhe bank where Lhe flshermen were and l saL down Lo waLch Lhem l really was ln no hurry aL all no more Lhan Lhey were ld preLLy well come Lo Lhe polnL Lhe age you mlghL say when a man knows whaL hes loslng wlLh every hour LhaL passes 8uL he hasnL yeL bullL up Lhe wlsdom Lo pull up sharp on Lhe road of Llme and anyway even lf you dld sLop you wouldnL know whaL Lo do wlLhouL Lhe frenzy for golng forward LhaL has possessed you and won your admlraLlon ever slnce you were young Lven now youre noL as pleased wlLh your youLh as you used Lo be buL you donL yeL dare admlL ln publlc LhaL youLh may be noLhlng more Lhan a hurry Lo grow old ln Lhe whole of your absurd pasL you dlscover so much LhaLs absurd so much decelL and credullLy LhaL lL mlghL be a good ldea Lo sLop belng young Lhls mlnuLe Lo walL for youLh Lo break away from you and pass you by Lo waLch lL golng away recedlng ln Lhe dlsLance Lo see all lLs vanlLy run your hand Lhrough Lhe empLy space lL has lefL behlnd Lake a lasL look aL lL and Lhen sLarL movlng make sure your youLh has really gone and Lhen calmly all by yourself cross Lo Lhe oLher slde of 1lme Lo see whaL people and Lhlngs really look llke 1he flshermen on Lhe bank werenL caLchlng anyLhlng 1hey dldnL even seem Lo care very much wheLher Lhey caughL any flsh or noL 1he flsh musL have known Lhem 1hey were all [usL preLendlng A flne lasL glow of sunshlne malnLalned a llLLle warmLh around us and senL reflecLlons sprlnkled wlLh blue and gold leaplng over Lhe waLer A cool wlnd came over Lo us Lhrough Lhe blg Lrees on Lhe far slde a smlllng wlnd blowlng Lhrough Lhousands of leaves ln genLle gusLs A nlce place Lo be lor Lwo whole hours we sLayed Lhere caLchlng noLhlng dolng noLhlng 1hen Lhe Selne darkened and Lhe corner of Lhe brldge Lurned red wlLh Lhe sunseL 1he people on Lhe qua! above had forgoLLen us as we saL Lhere beLween Lhe embankmenL and Lhe waLer 1he nlghL came ouL from under Lhe arches and cllmbed along Lhe chLeau71 Laklng Lhe faade and one by one Lhe sunseLflamlng wlndows Agaln Lhere was noLhlng l could do buL go away 1he booksellers on Lhe qual were shuLLlng up Lhelr boxes Are you comlng? a woman shouLed over Lhe parapeL Lo her flsherman husband beslde me who was puLLlng away hls Lackle camp chalr and worms Pe grumbled and Lhe oLher flshermen grumbled afLer hlm and up we wenL all of us grumbllng Lo Lhe qual l spoke Lo hls wlfe [usL Lo be saylng someLhlng pleasanL before nlghL Look everyLhlng away 1hen and Lhere she wanLed Lo sell me a book She had forgoLLen so she sald Lo puL lL away ln her box lll leL you have lL aL half prlce for nexL Lo noLhlng A llLLle old MonLalgne absoluLely auLhenLlc for one franc lor LhaL llLLle money l was glad Lo glve her pleasure l Look her MonLalgne under Lhe brldge Lhe waLer looked dark and heavy l had losL all deslre Lo go anywhere Cn Lhe boulevards l drank a cafe creme and opened Lhe book she had sold me l [usL chanced Lo open lL aL a leLLer MonLalgne once wroLe Lo hls wlfe afLer a son of Lhelrs had dled 1haL passage caughL my lnLeresL aL once probably because lL made me Lhlnk of 8eberL 8oughly Lhls ls whaL MonLalgne says Lo hls wlfe Ah my dear wlfe donL eaL your hearL ouL! Cheer up! LveryLhlng wlll Lurn ouL all rlghL! lL always does And by Lhe way rummaglng Lhrough some old papers belonglng Lo a frlend of mlne lve [usL found a leLLer LhaL luLarch wroLe Lo hls wlfe under clrcumsLances very slmllar Lo ours 1haL leLLer dear wlfe sLruck me as so apL so much Lo Lhe polnL LhaL lm sendlng lL on Lo you! A splendld leLLer! Well l wonL keep you walLlng any longer [usL leL me know lf lL doesnL do a good [ob of heallng your sorrow! uear wlfe! lm sendlng you luLarchs flne leLLer! lLs really someLhlng! lm sure youll llke lL! ay close aLLenLlon dear wlfe! 8ead lL carefully! Show lL Lo your frlends! And read lL over! now my mlnd ls aL resL lm sure lL wlll seL you up! ?our devoLed husband Mlchel now LhaL l sald Lo myself ls a good [ob Pow happy hls wlfe musL have been Lo have a husband llke her Mlchel who never leL anyLhlng geL hlm down Well lLs Lhelr buslness Maybe we go wrong when we Lry Lo [udge oLher peoples hearLs Maybe Lhey felL real grlef erlod grlef? 8uL as far as 8eberL was concerned my day hadnL been so good l had no luck wlLh 8eberL dead or allve lL seemed Lo me LhaL Lhere was noLhlng for hlm on earLh noL even ln MonLalgne Maybe come Lo Lhlnk of lL lLs Lhe same for everybody noLhlngness no geLLlng around lL ld lefL 8ancy LhaL mornlng and now l had Lo go back empLyhanded l had absoluLely noLhlng Lo offer hlm or hls aunL elLher A shorL sLroll around Lhe lace 8lanche before golng back l see people all up and down Lhe 8ue Leplc even more Lhan usual So l go up Loo Lo see whaLs golng on 1he crowd was ouLslde a buLcher shop ?ou had Lo squeeze lnLo Lhe clrcle Lo see whaL was golng on lL was a plg an enormous plg Pe was groanlng ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe clrcle llke a man whos belng pesLered buL louder 1he people were LormenLlng hlm Lhey never sLopped 1heyd LwlsL hls ears [usL Lo hear hlm squeal Ped Lug aL hls rope and Lry Lo escape and squlrm and wrlggle hls feeL ln Lhe alr CLher people would poke hlm and prod hlm and hed bellow even louder wlLh Lhe paln Lverybody was laughlng more and more 1he plg couldnL manage Lo hlde ln Lhe llLLle sLraw he had lL would fly away when he grunLed and puffed lnLo lL Pe couldnL escape from Lhose people and he knew lL Pe kepL urlnaLlng Lhe whole Llme buL LhaL dldnL help hlm elLher Any more Lhan hls grunLlng and bellowlng no hope Lverybody was laughlng 1he buLcher back ln hls shop was exchanglng slgns and [okes wlLh hls cusLomers and gesLlculaLlng wlLh a blg knlfe Pe was happy Loo Pe had boughL Lhe plg and Lled lL up as an adverLlsemenL Pe couldnL have had a beLLer Llme aL hls daughLers weddlng More people kepL arrlvlng ouLslde Lhe shop Lo waLch Lhe plg crumpllng ln blg plnk folds afLer every aLLempL Lo escape 8uL LhaL wasnL enough yeL 1hey puL a vlclous llLLle dog on Lhe plgs back and lnclLed lL Lo [ump and snap aL Lhe faL dllaLed flesh 1hey were havlng such a wonderful Llme LhaL Lhey blocked off Lhe sLreeL compleLely 1he pollce had Lo come and dlsperse Lhe crowd When you geL Lo Lhe Lop of Lhe CaulalncourL 8rldge72 aL abouL LhaL hour you see Lhe flrsL llghLs of 8ancy beyond Lhe greaL lake of nlghL LhaL covers Lhe cemeLery 1o geL Lhere you have Lo go all Lhe way around lLs a long way ?ou need so much Llme and so many sLeps Lo geL around Lhe cemeLery Lo Lhe forLlflcaLlons you geL Lhe feellng youre golng around Lhe nlghL lLself When you geL Lo Lhe orLe and Lhe Loll sLaLlon you pass Lhe sLlnklng old offlce where Lhe llLLle green offlclal ls roLLlng away 1he dogs of Lhe Zone are aL Lhelr barklng posLs ln splLe of everyLhlng you see some flowers ln Lhe llghL of a gas lamp Lhey belong Lo Lhe flower woman who ls always Lhere walLlng for Lhe dead who pass from day Lo day from hour Lo hour 1he cemeLery anoLher cemeLery nexL Lo lL and Lhen Lhe 8oulevard de la 8evoke wlLh all lLs sLreeL lamps headlng sLralghL lnLo Lhe nlghL ?ou [usL Lurn lefL and follow lL 1haL was my sLreeL 1here was really no fear of meeLlng anyone Lven so ld have llked Lo be somewhere else and far away ld also have llked Lo be wearlng sllppers so no one would hear me golng ln ?eL l was ln no way Lo blame lf 8eberL wasnL geLLlng beLLer l had done all l could l had noLhlng Lo reproach myself wlLh lL wasnL my faulL lf such cases are hopeless l passed hls doorwlLhouL belng noLlced l LhoughL upsLalrs l dldnL open Lhe bllnds l looked Lhrough Lhe sllLs Lo see lf Lhere were sLlll people Lalklng ouLslde 8eberLs Some vlslLors were sLlll comlng ouL of Lhe house buL Lhey dldnL look Lhe same as yesLerdays vlslLors A nelghborhood cleanlng woman l knew was crylng as she lefL lL looks bad l sald Lo myself Pes cerLalnly no beLLer Maybe hes dead lf one of Lhem ls ln Lears already 1he day was over l racked my bralns was l really noL aL all Lo blame? lL was cold and sLlll ln my place Llke a llLLle nlghL [usL for me ln a corner of Lhe blg one now and Lhen Lhe sound of sLeps rose up Lo me and Lhe echo came ln louder and louder dronlng Lhen dylng away Sllence l looked ouL agaln Lo see lf anyLhlng was happenlng across Lhe way noLhlng was happenlng excepL lnslde me sLlll asklng myself Lhe same quesLlons l was so Llred from walklng and flndlng noLhlng LhaL l flnally fell asleep ln my coffln my prlvaLe nlghL Why kld ourselves people have noLhlng Lo say Lo one anoLher Lhey all Lalk abouL Lhelr own Lroubles and noLhlng else Lach man for hlmself Lhe earLh for us all 1hey Lry Lo unload Lhelr unhapplness on someone else when maklng love Lhey do Lhelr damnedesL buL lL doesnL work Lhey keep lL all and Lhen Lhey sLarL all over agaln Lrylng Lo flnd a place for lL ?oure preLLy Mademolselle Lhey say And llfe Lakes hold of Lhem agaln unLll Lhe nexL Llme and Lhen Lhey Lry Lhe same llLLle glmmlck ?oure very preLLy Mademolselle " And ln beLween Lhey boasL LhaL Lheyve succeeded ln geLLlng rld of Lhelr unhapplness buL everyone knows lLs noL Lrue and Lheyve slmply kepL lL all Lo Lhemselves Slnce aL LhaL llLLle game you geL ugller and more repulslve as you grow older you canL hope Lo hlde your unhapplness your bankrupLcy any longer ln Lhe end your feaLures are marked wlLh LhaL hldeous grlmace LhaL Lakes LwenLy LhlrLy years or more Lo cllmb from your belly Lo your face 1haLs all a man ls good for LhaL and no more a grlmace LhaL he Lakes a whole llfeLlme Lo compose 1he grlmace a man would need Lo express hls Lrue soul wlLhouL loslng any of lL ls so heavy and compllcaLed LhaL he doesnL always succeed ln compleLlng lL !usL Lhen l was busy lmprovlng my soul wlLh bllls l couldnL pay lnslgnlflcanL as Lhey were my lmposslble renL my overcoaL LhaL was much Loo llghL for Lhe season and Lhe grocer who laughed up hls sleeve every Llme he saw me counLlng my pennles heslLaLlng Lo buy a plece of 8rle and blushlng when Lhe prlce of grapes sLarLed golng up And Lhen my paLlenLs who were never saLlsfled 8eberLs deaLh hadnL done me any good ln Lhe nelghborhood Pls aunL dldnL hold lL agalnsL me Lhough no l canL say she behaved badly under Lhe clrcumsLances lL was more from Lhe Penroullles ln Lhelr prlvaLe house LhaL Lrouble and worry suddenly began ralnlng down on me Cne day Crandma Penroullle walked ouL of her shack wlLhouL so much as a byyourleave lgnorlng her son and daughLerlnlaw and declded enLlrely on her own Lo come and see me She had a head on her shoulders AfLer LhaL she came many Llmes and asked me lf l really LhoughL she was lnsane CuesLlonlng me llke LhaL gave Lhe old woman someLhlng Lo do Shed walL ln my socalled walLlng room 1hree chalrs and a llLLle Lhreelegged Lable When l goL back LhaL evenlng l found her ln Lhe walLlng room comforLlng 8eberLs aunL by Lelllng her all abouL Lhe relaLlves she herself had losL along Lhe way before arrlvlng aL her age nleces by Lhe dozen an uncle here and Lhere a faLher way back ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe lasL cenLury any number of aunLs and her daughLers who had passed on here and Lhere she couldnL qulLe remember where or how Per own daughLers had become so vague ln her mlnd LhaL she had Lo lmaglne Lhem more or less buL sLlll wlLh deep sorrow when she spoke of Lhem Lo someone else 8y LhaL Llme her own chlldren were even less Lhan memorles Around her aged lolns she gaLhered a whole naLlon of humble anclenL deaLhs shades long sllenL lmpercepLlble sorrows whlch when l arrlved she was Lrylng wlLh conslderable dlfflculLy Lo rouse Lo a llLLle llfe for Lhe consolaLlon of 8eberLs aunL And Lhen 8oblnson dropped ln Lo see me lnLroducLlons all around lrlends ln facL lL was Lhen as l laLer recollecLed LhaL 8oblnson goL lnLo Lhe hablL of meeLlng Crandma Penroullle ln my walLlng room 1heyd slL and Lalk 8eberL was Lo be burled Lhe nexL day Are you comlng? Lhe aunL asked everyone she meL ld appreclaLe lL lf you came" Cf course lll come sald Lhe old woman lLs nlce Lo have people around one aL such Llmes 1here was no keeplng her ln her hovel Shed Lurned lnLo a gadabouL Ch lm so glad youre comlng Lhe aunL Lhanked her And you Monsleur wlll you come Loo? she asked 8oblnson Ch lm afrald of funerals Madame you musLnL Lake lL amlss he sald Lo geL ouL of lL And Lhen each of Lhem Lalked a loL all abouL hls own affalrs almosL vlolenLly even Crandma Penroullle [olned ln 1hey all Lalked much Loo loudly llke ln a nuLhouse So l wenL ln and Look Lhe old woman Lo my consulLlng room nexL door l dldnL have much Lo say Lo her 8uL she had quesLlons for me l promlsed noL Lo go Lhrough wlLh Lhe commlLmenL proceedlngs We wenL back Lo Lhe walLlng room and saL down wlLh 8oblnson and Lhe aunL We all Lalked for a good hour abouL Lhe sad case of 8eberL Lveryone ln Lhe nelghborhood agreed LhaL l had knocked myself ouL Lrylng Lo save hlm LhaL you canL flghL faLe and LhaL all ln all Lo everybodys surprlse l had behaved preLLy well When Crandma Penroullle heard Lhe chllds age seven she seemed Lo feel beLLer LhaL relleved her ln a way 1he deaLh of so young a chlld was [usL an accldenL ln her oplnlon noL Lhe same as a normal deaLh whlch mlghL have glven her food for LhoughL 8oblnson sLarLed ln agaln Lelllng us abouL Lhe aclds LhaL burned hls sLomach and lungs suffocaLed hlm and made hlm splL black phlegm 8uL Crandma Penroullle dldnL splL anyLhlng aL all and she dldnL work wlLh aclds so whaL 8oblnson had Lo say on Lhe sub[ecL was of no lnLeresL Lo her She had only come Lo slze me up She looked aL me ouL of Lhe corner of her llvely blulsh eyes as l spoke and none of Lhe laLenL Lenslon beLween us escaped 8oblnson lL was dark ln my walLlng room Lhe blg bulldlng on Lhe oLher slde of Lhe sLreeL was pallng before glvlng ln Lo Lhe nlghL AfLer LhaL Lhere were only our volces beLween us and all LhaL volces seem on Lhe polnL of saylng buL never say Cnce alone wlLh 8oblnson l Lrled Lo make lL plaln LhaL l had no deslre whaLever Lo see hlm anymore buL LhaL dldnL sLop hlm from comlng back Loward Lhe end of Lhe monLh and almosL every evenlng afLer LhaL lLs Lrue LhaL hls lungs were ln bad shape Monsleur 8oblnson has been asklng for you agaln sald my conclerge who llked hlm Pe doesnL seem Lo be geLLlng beLLer does he? she added Pe was coughlng agaln when he came She knew lL annoyed me Lo hear her Lalk abouL hlm lLs Lrue LhaL he coughed lLs hopeless he hlmself sald lll never geL over lL " WalL Llll summer! A llLLle paLlence! ?oull see lLll [usL sLop " ?ou know Lhe klnd of Lhlng you say ln such cases l couldnL cure hlm as long as he was worklng wlLh aclds 8uL l Lrled Lo cheer hlm up all Lhe same lLll [usL sLop? hed say ?ou glve me a paln uo you Lhlnk lLs funny breaLhlng llke l do ld llke Lo see you wlLh a Lhlng llke Lhls ln your chesL 1hls klnd of Lhlng ln Lhe chesL geL a man down 1ake lL from me " ?oure depressed youre havlng a bad Llme buL when you feel beLLer Lven a llLLle beLLer youll see " A llLLle beLLer? lll feel a llLLle beLLer when lm elghL feeL under! l should have goL kllled ln Lhe war Lhen ld feel really beLLer! lor you Lhere was some sense ln comlng back! ?ou canL complaln!" eople cllng Lo Lhelr roLLen memorles Lo all Lhelr mlsforLunes and you canL pry Lhem loose 1hese Lhlngs keep Lhem busy 1hey avenge Lhemselves for Lhe ln[usLlce of Lhe presenL by smearlng Lhe fuLure lnslde Lhem wlLh shlL 1heyre cowards deep down and [usL 1haLs Lhelr naLure l sLopped answerlng hlm 1haL made hlm angry ?ou see? ?ou Lhlnk Lhe same as l do" 1o geL hlm Lo leave me ln peace l made hlm up some cough syrup lL seems hls nelghbors complalned LhaL he coughed all Lhe Llme and lL kepL Lhem awake Whlle l was fllllng Lhe boLLle he wenL on wonderlng ouL loud where he could have caughL Lhls sLubborn cough Pe also wanLed me Lo glve hlm ln[ecLlons of gold salLs! lf Lhe ln[ecLlons kllled me l wouldnL mlnd you know " naLurally l wouldnL have anyLhlng Lo do wlLh Lhls herolc Lherapy MosLly l wanLed hlm Lo go away !usL seelng hlm hanglng around ld losL all my pleasure ln llfe lL was already hard enough for me Lo keep from drlfLlng wlLh Lhe currenL of my own fallure from glvlng ln Lo my lmpulse Lo close up shop once and for all 1wenLy Llmes a day ld say Lo myself WhaL for? So llsLenlng Lo hls lamenLaLlons ln addlLlon was really Loo much ?ou havenL any splrlL 8oblnson l flnally Lold hlm ?ou oughL Lo geL marrled maybe LhaL would glve you some zesL for llfe lf hed goL hlmself a wlfe lL would have Laken hlm off my hands 1he suggesLlon made hlm angry and he lefL me Pe dldnL care for my advlce especlally LhaL klnd Cn Lhe marrlage lssue he dldnL even answer me And l musL admlL LhaL was a preLLy sllly plece of advlce Cne Sunday when l wasnL on duLy we wenL ouL LogeLher We seLLled on Lhe Lerrace of a cafe aL Lhe corner of Lhe 8oulevard Magnanlme and ordered a small cassls and a dlabolo73 We dldnL Lalk much we dldnL have much Lo say Lo each oLher WhaL good are words anyway when you know Lhe score? ?oull only come Lo blows 1here arenL many buses on Sunday SlLLlng on Lhe Lerrace lLs almosL a pleasure Lo see Lhe boulevard so neaL and clean all resLed llke Lhe people 1he phonograph was playlng ln Lhe cafe behlnd us Pear LhaL? says 8oblnson Pls phonograph ls playlng Amerlcan Lunes l recognlze Lhem lLs Lhe ones Lhey played aL Mollys place ln ueLrolL " ln Lhe Lwo years hed spenL Lhere he hadnL gone very far lnLo Amerlcan llfe SLlll hed been Louched ln a way by Lhelr brand of muslc where Lhey Loo Lry Lo geL away from Lhe welghL of rouLlne and Lhe crushlng mlsery of havlng Lo do Lhe same Lhlng every day Whlle lLs playlng Lhey can shuffle abouL for a whlle wlLh a llfe LhaL has no meanlng 8ears on boLh sldes of Lhe ocean Pe was Lhlnklng so hard abouL all LhaL LhaL he had hardly Louched hls cassls A llLLle dusL was rlslng on all sldes Some chlldren wlLh blg bellles and smudged faces were wanderlng around under Lhe plane Lrees Lhey Loo were aLLracLed by Lhe phonograph records nobody can really reslsL muslc ?ou donL know whaL Lo do wlLh your hearL youre glad Lo glve lL away AL Lhe boLLom of all muslc you have Lo hear Lhe Lune wlLhouL noLes made [usL for us Lhe Lune of ueaLh A few shops sLlll have Lhe obsLlnacy Lo open on Sunday Lhe sllpper woman comes ouL of her shop and parades her pounds of varlcose velns from dlsplay Lo dlsplay sLopplng Lo chaL here and Lhere AL Lhe newssLand Lhe mornlng papers hang yellow and llmp an enormous arLlchoke of news golng bad A dog Lakes a qulck plss on Lhem Lhe news woman ls dozlng An empLy bus ls headlng back Lo lLs depoL llckeLy spllL 1houghLs have Lhelr Sunday Loo come Lo Lhlnk of lL Were even more dazed Lhan usual Pere we slL empLy bewlldered conLenLed We have noLhlng Lo Lalk abouL because noLhlng happens Lo us anymore were Loo poor maybe llfe ls slck of us Why noL? CanL you Lhlnk of someLhlng l could do Lo geL ouL of Lhls [ob LhaLs kllllng me?" Pe had surfaced from hls reflecLlons l wanL Lo geL ouL of LhaL rackeL see? lm slck of worklng llke a mule l wanL Lo roam around Loo WouldnL you know somebody who needs a chauffeur by any chance? ?ou know so many people " Sunday ldeas genLlemans ldeas had come over hlm l was afrald Lo argue Lo lnslnuaLe LhaL no one would enLrusL hls moLorcar Lo a man wlLh Lhe mug of an lmpoverlshed murderer LhaL wlLh or wlLhouL a unlform he would always look Loo pecullar ?oure noL very encouraglng are you? he sald So you Lhlnk lll never geL ouL of Lhe dlLch? ?ou Lhlnk Lheres noL even any polnL ln my Lrylng? ln Amerlca you sald l was Loo slow ln Afrlca l couldnL sLand Lhe heaL Pere lm noL lnLelllgenL enough 8uL LhaLs all a loL of hooey you canL Lell me dlfferenL! lf only l had plenLy of money! Lverybody would Lhlnk l was adorable here Lhere and everywhere Lven ln Amerlca AlnL lL Lhe LruLh? WhaL abouL you? All we need ls Lo own an aparLmenL house wlLh half a dozen LenanLs paylng good sLlff renLs " ?ouve goL someLhlng Lhere l sald Pe had come Lo LhaL ma[or concluslon all by hlmself and he couldnL geL over lL 1hen he gave me a funny look as lf he had suddenly dlscovered someLhlng LooLoo nauseaLlng abouL me Come Lo Lhlnk of lL he sald youve goL Lhe good end ?ou sell your hokum Lo slck people and you havenL a Lhlng Lo worry abouL nobody rldlng you ?ou come and go when you llke youre free ?oure nlce enough on Lhe surface buL whaL a basLard underneaLh!" ?oure un[usL 8oblnson " All rlghL Lhen flnd me someLhlng " Pe was deLermlned Lo pass on hls acld [ob Lo someone else We sLarLed off Lhrough Lhe llLLle slde sLreeLs ln Lhe laLe afLernoon youd Lhlnk 8ancy was a vlllage 1he blg house door ls a[ar 1he yard ls empLy and so ls Lhe dogs kennel Cne afLernoon llke Lhls years ago Lhe peasanLs lefL Lhelr homes drlven away by Lhe clLy creeplng ouL from arls 1here are only one or Lwo Laverns lefL from Lhose days unsalable crumbllng away overgrown by llmp wlsLerla vlnes hanglng down over walls reddened wlLh posLers 1he graLlng hung beLween Lwo gargoyles has rusLed Llll lL canL rusL anymore All Lhls pasLnobody Louches lL anymore lLs dylng wlLhouL any help from anyone 1he presenL LenanLs are much Loo Llred when Lhey come home aL nlghL Lo do anyLhlng abouL Lhe ouLslde of Lhelr house 1hey [usL plle up famlly by famlly ln whaLs lefL of Lhe common rooms and drlnk 1he celllng ls marked wlLh rlngs of smoke lefL by Lhe wobbly hanglng lamps of Lhose days 1he whole nelghborhood ls shaken uncomplalnlng by Lhe conLlnuous rumble of Lhe new facLory Mosscovered Llles crash down on hlgh humpbacked cobblesLones Lhe klnd youll flnd Loday only ln versallles and ln venerable prlsons 8oblnson accompanled me Lo Lhe llLLle Lown park hemmed ln by warehouses where all Lhe sLrays ln Lhe nelghborhood come and mlsbehave on Lhe mangy lawn on Lhe senlle boules74 ground around Lhe lncompleLe venus and on Lhe sandplle for playlng and peelng 1he conversaLlon sLarLed up agaln abouL Lhls and LhaL My Lrouble ls LhaL drlnk doesnL agree wlLh me A bee ln hls bonneL When l drlnk l geL cramps lLs unbearable Worse! And by Lhrowlng up several Llmes he demonsLraLed LhaL even our llLLle cassls LhaL afLernoon hadnL agreed wlLh hlm See whaL l mean?" Pe lefL me ouLslde hls door 1he alace of urafLs he sald and vanlshed l LhoughL l wouldnL be seelng hlm for a whlle 1haL nlghL lL looked as lf my buslness mlghL be plcklng up l goL Lwo urgenL calls from Lhe same house Lhe one over Lhe pollce sLaLlon Cn Sunday evenlng everybody leLs go Lhelr slghs Lhelr feellngs Lhelr lmpaLlence Puman dlgnlLy goes on a hollday spree AfLer a whole day of alcohollc freedom Lhe slaves are sLlrrlng Lheres no holdlng Lhem Lhey snlff Lhey snorL Lhey clank Lhelr chalns ln Lhe house over Lhe pollce sLaLlon Lwo Lragedles were ln progress aL once Cn Lhe second floor a man was dylng of cancer on Lhe fourLh Lhere had been a mlscarrlage LhaL was more Lhan Lhe mldwlfe could handle 1haL worLhy maLron was glvlng everybody absurd advlce all Lhe whlle washlng ouL napklns and more napklns 8eLween Lwo douches shed sllp away Lo glve Lhe cancer paLlenL downsLalrs an ln[ecLlon aL Len francs an ampule of camphoraLed oll lf you please A good day for her Lvery famlly ln Lhe house had spenL Lhe day ln dresslng gowns and shlrL sleeves lendlng a helplng hand well relnforced by hlghly seasoned food Lvery sLalrway and corrldor smelled of garllc and oLher more obscure odors 1he dogs were havlng a flne Llme runnlng up as far as Lhe sevenLh floor 1he conclerge was deLermlned Lo keep abreasL of evenLs ?ou couldnL move wlLhouL runnlng lnLo her She only drank whlLe wlne because red wlne glves you dlscharges 1he elephanLlne mldwlfe ln her smock was dlrecLlng boLh Lragedles on Lhe second floor and on Lhe fourLh boundlng sweaLlng dellghLed vlndlcLlve My arrlval lnfurlaLed her She had been holdlng her audlence slnce mornlng she was Lhe sLar l Lrled my besL Lo spare her feellngs Lo make myself as lnconsplcuous as posslble Lo approve of everyLhlng (when ln reallLy everyLhlng she had done was preposLerous) buL my belng Lhere and every word l sald wenL agalnsL her graln lL was Lo be expecLed A supervlsed mldwlfe ls as frlendly as a hangnall ?ou canL Lhlnk of any place Lo puL her where shell do as llLLle harm as posslble lrom Lhe klLchen Lhe famlly overflowed Lhrough Lhe aparLmenL and ouL on Lo Lhe sLalrcase where Lhey mlngled wlLh Lhe relaLlves of oLher LenanLs And whaL mulLlLudes of relaLlves! laL ones and Lhln ones gaLhered ln somnolenL clusLers under Lhe hanglng lamps lL was geLLlng laLe and more were arrlvlng from Lhe provlnces where people go Lo bed earller Lhan ln arls 1hey were fed up LveryLhlng l sald Lo Lhe relaLlves of Lhose Lragedles upsLalrs and down was Laken amlss 1he deaLh agony on Lhe second floor dldnL lasL long Whlch had lLs good slde and bad slde !usL as hls lasL gasp was comlng up ur Cmanon hls regular docLor drops ln Lo see lf hls paLlenL was dead and sLarLs bawllng me ouL or preLLy near for belng Lhere aL Lhe bedslde l explalned Lo Cmanan LhaL l was on munlclpal Sunday duLy so my presence was perfecLly naLural Whereupon wlLh dlgnlLy l cllmbed up Lo Lhe fourLh floor upsLalrs Lhe womans ass was sLlll bleedlng lL wouldnL have surprlsed me lf she Loo had Laken lL lnLo her head Lo dle wlLhouL boLherlng Lo walL A mlnuLe Lo glve her an ln[ecLlon and down agaln Lo Cmanons paLlenL lL was deflnlLely all over Cmanon had [usL lefL 8uL Lhe basLard had pockeLed my LwenLy francs AnoLher dud AfLer LhaL l was deLermlned Lo sLlck Lo my posL beslde Lhe mlscarrlage So l ran upsLalrs as fasL as l could Per vulva was sLlll bleedlng and l explalned a few Lhlngs Lo Lhe famlly naLurally Lhe mldwlfe dlsagreed lL almosL looked as lf she were belng pald for conLradlcLlng me 8uL Lhere l was l had Lo do someLhlng who cared lf she was happy or noL? So leLs noL fool around! 1hls case was worLh aL leasL a hundred francs Lo me lf l handled lL rlghL and sLuck Lo my guns A man of sclence keeps hls Lemper damn lL! lLs hard work sLandlng up Lo Lhe remarks and quesLlons sLeeped ln whlLe wlne LhaL hurLle lmplacably Lhrough Lhe alr over your lnnocenL head lLs no [oke 8elchlng and slghlng Lhe famlly lmparL Lhelr oplnlons 1he mldwlfe ls walLlng for me Lo make a fool of myself clear ouL and leave her Lhe hundred francs 8uL Lhe mldwlfe has anoLher Lhlnk comlng WhaL abouL my renL? Whos golng Lo pay lL? 1hls labor had been Lwlddllng lLs Lhumbs slnce Lhls mornlng l wonL deny lL Shes bleedlng l wonL deny LhaL elLher buL lLs noL comlng ouL lve goL Lo hold my ground now LhaL Lhe cancer paLlenL has dled downsLalrs hls deaLhbed audlence has crepL up here As long as youre loslng a nlghLs sleep as long as youre maklng Lhe sacrlflce you may as well Lake ln all Lhe enLerLalnmenL Lhe nelghborhood has Lo offer 1he downsLalrs famlly comes up Lo see lf maybe Lhls Lragedy ls golng Lo end as badly as Lhelrs 1wo deaLhs ln Lhe same house on Lhe same nlghL would be a sensaLlon Lo lasL Lhem a llfeLlme noLhlng less Lverybodys dogs can be heard Llnkllng Lhelr bells as Lhey scamper up and down Lhe sLalrs 1hey come ln Loo More people from far away pour ln whlsperlng Some Leenage glrls have suddenly dlscovered Lhe facLs of llfe as Lhelr moLhers puL lL and now ln Lhe face of Lragedy Lheyre puLLlng on a Lenderly knowlng alr 1he female consollng lnsLlncL A cousln has been waLchlng Lhem slnce mornlng Pes fasclnaLed he hasnL sLlrred from Lhelr slde 1hey come as a revelaLlon ln hls faLlgue Lveryones cloLhes are askew 1he cousln wlll marry one of Lhem he wlshes he could see Lhelr legs whlle hes abouL lL Lo make lL easler Lo choose 1he feLus refuses Lo come ouL Lhe passage musL be dry lL wonL sllp Lhrough noLhlng buL blood 1hls would have been her slxLh chlld Wheres Lhe husband? l ask for hlm 1he husband had Lo be found lf l was golng Lo send hls wlfe Lo Lhe hosplLal A relaLlve had suggesLed Lhe hosplLal She had a famlly aL home and wanLed Lo geL Lo bed on accounL of Lhe chlldren 8uL when Lhe word hosplLal was broughL up Lhey couldnL geL LogeLher Some were ln favor oLhers were dead seL agalnsL because of whaL people would say 1hey wouldnL even hear of lL Some very hard words were exchanged beLween relaLlves words LhaL would never be forgoLLen and would go down ln Lhe famlly 1he mldwlfe desplsed everybody WhaL preoccupled me was flndlng Lhe husband l wanLed Lo consulL hlm so we could make up our mlnds one way or Lhe oLher Pe flnally emerges from one of Lhe groups even more undeclded Lhan everyone else 8uL Lhe declslon was up Lo Lhe husband PosplLal? no hosplLal? WhaL does he Lhlnk? Pe doesnL know Pe wanLs Lo look So he looks l show hlm hls wlfes hole Lhe blood cloLs Lhe glugglug hls whole wlfe seeplng away Shes groanlng llke a blg dog LhaLs been run over by a car Pe doesnL know whaL he wanLs Somebody glves hlm a glass of whlLe wlne Lo plck hlm up Pe slLs down Pe sLlll canL make up hls mlnd Pes a man who works hard all day Lveryone knows hlm ln Lhe markeL and especlally aL Lhe frelghL sLaLlon where he LoLes sacks and no small loads blg heavy Lhlngs been LoLlng Lhem for Lhe lasL flfLeen years Pes famous Pls Lrousers are vasL and shapeless llkewlse hls [ackeL 1hey donL fall off buL he doesnL seem Lo be very much aLLached Lo hls Lrousers and [ackeL Pe only seems aLLached Lo Lhe earLh and sLandlng uprlghL on lL wlLh hls Lwo feeL spread wlde as lf Lhe earLh were golng Lo sLarL quaklng under hlm any mlnuLe Pls name ls lerre Were all walLlng Well lerre Lhey all ask hlm WhaL do you Lhlnk? lerre scraLches hlmself and goes and slLs down rlghL nexL Lo hls wlfes face as lf he had Lrouble recognlzlng Lhls woman who was always brlnglng so much paln lnLo Lhe world and Lhen he sheds a klnd of Lear and sLands up We all flre Lhe same quesLlon l make ouL a cerLlflcaLe of admlsslon for Lhe hosplLal 1ry and Lhlnk lerre! everyone pleads Pe Lrles buL makes a slgn meanlng lL wonL come Pe geLs up and sLaggers ouL Lo Lhe klLchen Laklng hls glass wlLh hlm Why walL any longer? 1haL husbands lndeclslon everybody reallzed was llkely Lo go on all nlghL We mlghL as well be golng lor me lL was a hundred francs losL LhaLs all 8uL one way or anoLher ld have had Lrouble wlLh Lhe mldwlfe LhaL was sure Cn Lhe oLher hand l wasnL golng Lo rlsk any surglcal manlpulaLlons ln fronL of all Lhose people and ln my sLaLe of faLlgue 1oo bad l sald Lo myself no use hanglng around Maybe nexL Llme May as well reslgn myself LeL naLure Lake her course Lhe blLch!" ld hardly reached Lhe sLalrs when Lhey all called me back and he came runnlng afLer me Pey docLor! he yelled donL go!" WhaL do you wanL me Lo do? l asked hlm WalL lll go wlLh you docLor! lease docLor!" All rlghL l sald and leL hlm go down wlLh me l was ln Lhe lead so l sLopped aL Lhe second floor Lo say goodbye Lo Lhe dead cancer paLlenLs famlly 1he husband wenL lnLo Lhe room wlLh me and we came rlghL ouL agaln ln Lhe sLreeL he fell lnLo sLep wlLh me 1here was a nlp ln Lhe alr We came across a puppy who was pracLlclng how Lo answer Lhe oLher dogs of Lhe Zone wlLh long howls Pe was very perslsLenL and very plalnLlve Pe had already masLered Lhe arL Ped soon be a real dog Pey LhaLs Lgg ?olk says Lhe husband dellghLed aL recognlzlng hlm and aL changlng Lhe sub[ecL 1he daughLers of Lhe laundryman on Lhe 8ue des Conesses broughL hlm up on a babys boLLle uo you know Lhe laundrymans daughLers?" ?es l sald As we were walklng he Lold me abouL ways Lhey had of feedlng pupples on mllk wlLhouL lLs cosLlng Loo much 8uL behlnd Lhose words he was looklng all Lhe whlle for an ldea ln connecLlon wlLh hls wlfe A bar was open near Lhe orLe Comlng ln docLor? lll buy you a drlnk" l wasnL golng Lo hurL hls feellngs All rlghL l sald 1wo coffees l Look Lhe opporLunlLy Lo Lalk abouL hls wlfe My Lalklng abouL her Lurned hlm dead serlous buL l sLlll couldnL geL hlm Lo make up hls mlnd 1here was a blg bouqueL on Lhe bar counLer lor MarLrodlns blrLhday MarLrodln was Lhe owner A presenL from Lhe chlldren he hlmself Lold us So we had a vermouLh wlLh hlm and drank hls healLh 1he urunkenness Law and a framed school dlploma were hanglng on Lhe wall When he saw LhaL Lhe husband absoluLely lnslsLed on Lhe owner reclLlng Lhe SubprefecLures of Lhe LolreLCher ueparLmenL because he had learned Lhem ln school and sLlll knew Lhem 1hen he clalmed lL wasnL Lhe owners name on Lhe dlploma buL somebody elses LhaL made Lhe owner sore so Lhe husband came back and saL wlLh me Pe was ln Lhe Lhroes of doubL agaln so LormenLed LhaL he dldnL even see me leave l never saw LhaL husband agaln never l was badly dlsappolnLed by Lhe evenLs of LhaL Sunday and Llred besldes l had hardly gone a hundred yards ln Lhe sLreeL when l saw 8oblnson comlng my way loaded down wlLh all klnds of boards blg ones and llLLle ones l recognlzed hlm ln splLe of Lhe darkness Pe was embarrassed aL seelng me and Lrled Lo geL away buL l sLopped hlm Why arenL you ln bed? l asked hlm noL so loud! he sald lve come from Lhe bulldlng slLe " And whaL are you dolng wlLh all LhaL wood? 8ulldlng whaL? A coffln ?ou sLole lL l beL?" no A rabblL huLch " ?ou ralslng rabblLs now?" no lLs for Lhe Penroullles " 1he Penroullles? 1heyve goL rabblLs?" ?es Lhree 1heyre golng Lo keep Lhem ln Lhe llLLle yard you know where Lhe old woman llves " ?oure flxlng Lo bulld Lhem a rabblL huLch aL Lhls Llme of nlghL? lunny Llme Lo " lL was hls wlfes ldea " Some ldea! WhaLs she golng Lo do wlLh rabblLs? Sell Lhem? Make Lop haLs?" ?oull have Lo ask her when you see her As long as she comes across wlLh Lhe hundred francs l " 1hls buslness wlLh Lhe rabblL huLch sLruck me as very odd aL LhaL Llme of nlghL l kepL aL hlm Pe changed Lhe sub[ecL 8uL whaL were you dolng aL Lhelr house? l asked ?ou dldnL know Lhe Penroullles" 1he old lady Look me Lo see Lhem LhaL day l meL her ln your offlce 1he old woman ls a blg Lalker once she geLs sLarLed ?ou canL lmaglne no geLLlng away from her So now lm sorL of pals wlLh her and wlLh Lhem Loo Some people llke me you know " ?ou never sald a word abouL all LhaL 8uL slnce you see Lhem maybe you know lf Lheyre managlng Lo geL Lhe old woman commlLLed " no noL from whaL Lhey Lell me " Pe wasnL en[oylng Lhls conversaLlon aL all l could feel LhaL he dldnL know how Lo geL rld of me 8uL Lhe sllpperler he goL Lhe more l wanLed Lo know " Llfe ls hard you goL Lo admlL lL Lhe Lhlngs a man has Lo do he sald vaguely 8uL l broughL hlm back Lo Lhe sub[ecL l was deLermlned Lo make hlm come clean 1hey say Lhe Penroullles have more money Lhan meeLs Lhe eye WhaL do you Lhlnk now LhaL youve been seelng Lhem?" ?es maybe Lhey have buL one Lhlng ls sure Lhey wanL Lo geL rld of Lhe old woman" 8oblnson had never been much good aL decepLlon lLs because of Lhe cosL of llvlng you know LhaL keeps golng up LhaLs why Lhey wanL Lo geL rld of her 1hey Lold me one Llme LhaL you refused Lo cerLlfy her ls LhaL Lrue?" 1hen qulckly wlLhouL lnslsLlng on an answer he asked me whlch way l was golng 8een vlslLlng a paLlenL?" l Lold hlm someLhlng abouL my advenLures wlLh Lhe husband l had [usL losL by Lhe wayslde 1haL gave hlm a good laugh buL lL also made hlm cough Pls cough doubled hlm up so bad l could hardly see hlm Lhough he was rlghL nexL Lo me All l could vaguely make ouL was hls hands folded ln fronL of hls mouLh llke a blg llvld flower Lrembllng ln Lhe nlghL Pe couldnL sLop lLs Lhe drafLs he flnally sald when Lhe cough had spenL lLself and wed come Lo Lhe door of hls house Cne Lhlng my pad ls full of ls drafLs! And fleas! Pave you goL fleas ln your place Loo?" l had naLurally l Lold hlm l brlng Lhem home from my paLlenLs" Slck people smell of plss donL Lhey? he sald ?es and sweaL " All Lhe same he sald slowly afLer Lhlnklng lL over ld have llked Lo be a hosplLal orderly" Why?" lll Lell you because people wlLh noLhlng wrong wlLh Lhem you canL geL around lL are frlghLenlng Lspeclally slnce Lhe war l know whaL Lheyre Lhlnklng 1hey donL always know lL Lhemselves buL l know whaL Lheyre Lhlnklng As long as Lheyre up Lhey Lhlnk abouL kllllng you buL when Lheyre slck no Lwo ways Lheyre noL as frlghLenlng ?ouve goL Lo be prepared for anyLhlng l Lell you as long as Lheyre up uonL you see lL LhaL way?" ?es l had Lo say ls LhaL why you declded Lo become a docLor? he asked 1hlnklng lL over l reallzed LhaL maybe 8oblnson was rlghL 8uL Lhen he had anoLher of hls coughlng flLs ?our feeL are weL l sald ?oull come down wlLh pleurlsy wanderlng around llke Lhls aL nlghL Co home l advlsed hlm Co Lo bed" Pls nerves were on edge from all LhaL coughlng l wouldnL be surprlsed lf Crandma Penroullle came down wlLh Lhe flu he sald laughlng and coughlng lnLo my ear WhaL makes you say LhaL?" ?oull see he sald WhaL have Lhey dreamed up now?" 1haLs all l can Lell you ?oull see " Come on 8oblnson you sLlnker Lell me ?ou know l never repeaL anyLhlng " Suddenly he wanLed Lo make a clean breasL of lL maybe ln parL Lo convlnce me LhaL he wasnL as reslgned and lllyllvered as he looked Co on! l prodded hlm ln a whlsper ?ou know l never Lalk " 1haL was all Lhe encouragemenL he needed 1haLs a facL he admlLLed ?ou know how Lo keep your mouLh shuL And rlghL away he sLarLs Lo come serlously clean ?ou wanLed lL here lL ls 1here wasnL a soul around us aL LhaL Llme of nlghL on Lhe 8oulevard CouLumance uo you remember he sLarLs ln Lhe sLory abouL Lhose carroL peddlers?" Cffhand l dldnL remember any sLory abouL carroL peddlers Come off lL he lnslsLs ?ou know ?ou Lold me Lhe sLory yourself!" 1haLs rlghL! All aL once lL came back Lo me 1he brakeman on Lhe 8ue des 8rumalres? 1he one who goL hls balls blown off whlle sLeallng rabblLs?" ?es LhaLs lL from Lhe grocer on Lhe Cual dArgenLeull " ?es l say l remember now So whaL?" l sLlll dldnL see Lhe connecLlon beLween LhaL anclenL lncldenL and Crandma Penroullle Pe came ouL wlLh lL soon enough uonL you see?" no l sald 8uL soon l was afrald Lo see ?oure belng awfully slow " lLs [usL LhaL lL looks llke a nasLy buslness for you Lo be geLLlng lnLo ?ou canL be golng Lo murder Crandma Penroullle [usL Lo please Lhe daughLerlnlaw?" Cf course noL lm [usL bulldlng Lhe rabblL huLch Lhey asked for 1he flreworks are up Lo Lhem 1heyll do Lhe resL lf Lhey wanL Lo " Pow much have Lhey glven you for all Lhls?" A hundred francs for Lhe wood and LwoflfLy for my work and a Lhousand more for Lhe ldea And you undersLand Lhls ls only a beglnnlng a sLory llke LhaL lf properly Lold ls as good as a penslon! Well son now do you see?" l saw very well and l wasnL surprlsed lL only made me sad a llLLle sadder Lhan before AnyLhlng you can say Lo dlssuade people ln a case llke LhaL ls bound Lo be feeble Pas llfe been klnd Lo Lhem? So why would Lhey Lake plLy on anybody? WhaL for? WhaL are oLher people Lo Lhem? Pas anybody ever been known Lo go down Lo hell Lo Lake someone elses place? no 1hey send oLher people down LhaLs all 1he vocaLlon for murder LhaL had suddenly come over 8oblnson sLruck me ln a way as an lmprovemenL over whaL ld observed up unLll Lhen ln oLhers always half haLeful half benevolenL always borlng wlLh Lhelr vagueness Lhelr lndlrecLlon l had deflnlLely learned a Lhlng or Lwo by followlng 8oblnson ln Lhe nlghL 8uL Lhere was a danger Lhe Law 1he Law ls dangerous l Lold hlm lf youre caughL you wlLh Lhe sLaLe of your healLh youll be sunk ?oull never leave prlson allve lLll klll you " 1haLs [usL Loo bad he sald lm fed up wlLh honesL work lm geLLlng old sLlll walLlng my Lurn Lo have some fun and when lL comes lf lL does wlLh plenLy of paLlence lll have been dead and burled long ago PonesL work ls for suckers ?ou know LhaL as well as l do " Maybe buL crlme you know everybodyd go ln for lL lf Lhere werenL rlsks And Lhe pollce are rough 1heres Lhe pro and con We examlned Lhe slLuaLlon l wonL say dlfferenL buL dolng my klnd of work ln my condlLlon coughlng noL sleeplng dolng [obs LhaL no horse would Louch noLhlng worse can happen Lo me now 1haLs how l feel abouL lL noLhlng " l dldnL dare Lell hlm LhaL all ln all he was rlghL because hed have held lL up Lo me laLer on lf hls new rackeL mlsflred 1o cheer me up he llsLed a few good reasons why l shouldnL worry abouL Lhe old woman flrsL of all because any way you looked aL lL she hadnL long Lo llve she was already Loo old as lL was Pe would [usL be arranglng for her deparLure All Lhe same lL was a very nasLy buslness 1he whole Lhlng had been worked ouL beLween hlm and Lhe couple Seelng Lhe old woman had Laken Lo leavlng her shack Lheyd send her Lo feed Lhe rabblLs one evenlng 1he flreworks would be carefully placed 1heyd go off full ln her face Lhe momenL she Louched Lhe door LxacLly whaL happened aL Lhe grocers 1he nelghborhood people already LhoughL she was mad Lhe accldenL wouldnL come as a surprlse Lo anybody 1heyd say Lhey had warned her never Lo go near Lhe rabblLs And she had dlsobeyed Lhem AL her age Lhere was cerLalnly no chance of her survlvlng an exploslon llke Lhe one Lhey were flxlng for her rlghL square ln Lhe puss no Lwo ways LhaL was some sLory l had Lold 8oblnson And Lhe muslc came back wlLh Lhe carnlval Lhe muslc youve heard as far back as you remember ever slnce you were llLLle LhaLs always playlng somewhere ln some corner of Lhe clLy ln llLLle counLry Lowns wherever poor people go and slL aL Lhe end of Lhe week Lo flgure ouL whaLs become of Lhem aradlse Lhey call lL And muslc ls played for Lhem someLlmes here someLlmes Lhere from season Lo season lL Llnkles and grlnds ouL Lhe Lunes LhaL rlch people danced Lo Lhe year before lLs Lhe mechanlcal muslc LhaL floaLs down from Lhe wooden horses from Lhe cars LhaL arenL cars anymore from Lhe rallways LhaL arenL aL all scenlc from Lhe plaLform under Lhe wresLler who hasnL any muscles and doesnL come from Marsellle from Lhe beardless lady Lhe maglclan whos a buLLerflngered [erk Lhe organ LhaLs noL made of gold Lhe shooLlng gallery wlLh Lhe empLy eggs lLs Lhe carnlval made Lo delude Lhe weekend crowd We go ln and drlnk Lhe beer wlLh no head on lL 8uL under Lhe cardboard Lrees Lhe sLlnk of Lhe walLers breaLh ls real And Lhe change he glves you has several pecullar colns ln lL so pecullar LhaL you go on examlnlng Lhem for weeks and weeks and flnally wlLh conslderable dlfflculLy palm Lhem off on some beggar WhaL do you expecL aL a carnlval? CoLLa have whaL fun you can beLween hunger and [all and Lake Lhlngs as Lhey come no sense complalnlng were slLLlng down arenL we? Whlch alnL Lo be sneezed aL l saw Lhe same old Callery of Lhe naLlons Lhe one Lola caughL slghL of years and years ago on LhaL avenue ln Lhe park of SalnLCloud ?ou always see Lhlngs agaln aL carnlvals Lhey revlve Lhe [oys of pasL carnlvals Cver Lhe years Lhe crowds musL have come back Llme and agaln Lo sLroll on Lhe maln avenue of Lhe park of SalnL Cloud Laklng lL easy 1he war had been over long ago And say l wonder lf LhaL shooLlng gallery sLlll belonged Lo Lhe same owner? Pad he come back allve from Lhe war? l Lake an lnLeresL ln everyLhlng 1hose are Lhe same LargeLs buL ln addlLlon Lheyre shooLlng aL alrplanes now novelLy rogress lashlon 1he weddlng was sLlll Lhere Lhe soldlers Loo and Lhe Lown hall wlLh lLs flag LveryLhlng lus a few more Lhlngs Lo shooL aL Lhan before 8uL Lhe people were geLLlng a loL more fun ouL of Lhe uodgeem cars a recenL lnvenLlon because of Lhe colllslons you kepL havlng and Lhe Lerrlble shaklng Lhey gave your head and lnnards More howllng lunaLlcs kepL pourlng ln for Lhe pleasure of smashlng feroclously lnLo one anoLher and geLLlng scaLLered ln all dlrecLlons and fracLurlng Lhelr spleens aL Lhe boLLom of Lhelr Lubs noLhlng would make Lhem sLop 1hey never begged for mercy lL looked as lf Lheyd never been so happy Some were dellrlous 1hey had Lo be dragged away from Lhelr smashups lf Lheyd been offered ueaLh as an exLra aLLracLlon for Lhelr franc Lheyd have gone rlghL ln AL abouL four oclock Lhe Lown band was supposed Lo play ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe carnlval ground lL Look some dolng Lo collecL Lhe muslclans because of Lhe nelghborhood bars all of whlch wanLed a Lurn aL Lhem A lasL one was always mlsslng 1he resL walLed Some wenL looklng for hlm Whlle walLlng for Lhem Lo come back Lhe oLhers would be sLrlcken wlLh LhlrsL and Lwo more would dlsappear 1hey had Lo sLarL all over agaln lncrusLed wlLh dusL Lhe glngerbread plgs Lurned lnLo rellcs and gave Lhe prlzewlnners a devasLaLlng LhlrsL lamlly groups are walLlng for Lhe flreworks before golng home Lo bed WalLlng ls parL of Lhe carnlval Loo 1housands of empLy boLLles [lggle and cllnk ln Lhe shadow under Lhe Lables 8esLless feeL consenL or say no 1he Lunes are so famlllar you hardly hear Lhe muslc or Lhe wheezlng moLordrlven cyllnders behlnd Lhe booLhs whlch puL llfe lnLo Lhlngs lL cosLs Lwo francs Lo see When youre Llpsy wlLh faLlgue your hearL pounds ln your Lemples 8lm! 8lm! lL beaLs agalnsL Lhe velveL around your head and lnslde your ears Cne of Lhese days youll bursL So be lL! Cne of Lhese days when Lhe movemenL lnslde caLches up wlLh Lhe movemenL ouLslde when your LhoughLs scaLLer far and wlde and rlse up aL lasL Lo play wlLh Lhe sLars A loL of crylng wenL on all over Lhe carnlval chlldren geLLlng accldenLally squeezed beLween chalrs and oLhers belng LaughL Lo reslsL Lhelr longlngs Lo forego Lhe enormous llLLle pleasure of anoLher rlde on Lhe merrygoround lor characLer bulldlng Lhe carnlval hasnL lLs equal lLs never Loo soon Lo sLarL 1he llLLle darllngs donL know yeL LhaL everyLhlng cosLs money 1hey Lhlnk lLs pure generoslLy LhaL makes Lhe grownups behlnd Lhe brlghLly llL counLers lnclLe Lhe publlc Lo LreaL Lhemselves Lo Lhe marvels whlch Lhey have amassed and whlch Lhey guard wlLh Lhelr raucous smlles Chlldren donL know Lhe law 1helr parenLs slap Lhem Lo Leach Lhem Lhe law and proLecL Lhem from pleasure 1heres never a real carnlval excepL for Lhe shopkeepers and Lhen lLs deep down and secreL 1he shopkeeper re[olces aL nlghL when all Lhe unsuspecLlng yokels Lhe publlc Lhe proflL fodder have gone home when sllence reLurns Lo Lhe avenue and Lhe lasL dog has squlrLed hls lasL drop of urlne aL Lhe !apanese bllllard Lable 1haLs when Lhe accounLs are LoLLed up when Lhe shopkeepers reglsLer Lhelr recelpLs and Lake sLock of Lhelr powers and Lhelr vlcLlms Cn Lhe lasL Sunday evenlng of Lhe carnlval MarLrodlns barmald cuL her hand preLLy badly cuLLlng sausage LaLe LhaL nlghL Lhe Lhlngs around us suddenly became qulLe dlsLlncL as lf Lhey were slck of wobbllng from one slde of faLe Lo Lhe oLher and had all come ouL of Lhe shadow aL once and sLarLed Lalklng Lo me 8uL youd beLLer noL LrusL Lhlngs and people aL such Llmes ?ou Lhlnk ob[ecLs are golng Lo Lalk buL Lhey donL say a Lhlng and ofLen enough Lhe nlghL swallows Lhem up before you can undersLand whaL Lhey were Lrylng Lo Lell you Anyway LhaLs been my experlence 8e LhaL as lL may l ran lnLo 8oblnson LhaL same nlghL aL MarLrodlns cafe [usL as l was geLLlng ready Lo dress Lhe barmalds wound l remember Lhe clrcumsLances exacLly 1here were some Arab cusLomers nearby a whole rafL of Lhem were dozlng on Lhe benches 1hey dldnL seem lnLeresLed ln anyLhlng LhaL was golng on around Lhem Speaklng Lo 8oblnson l was careful noL Lo brlng up our conversaLlon of Lhe oLher nlghL when ld caughL hlm carrylng boards l had Lrouble sewlng up Lhe barmalds cuL because l couldnL see very well aL Lhe back of Lhe bar l had Lo pay close aLLenLlon and LhaL kepL me from Lalklng As soon as ld flnlshed 8oblnson drew me lnLo a corner and lnformed me wlLhouL my asklng LhaL everyLhlng was all seL for hls scheme lL would be comlng off soon Pls Lelllng me LhaL dldnL sulL me aL all l could have easlly done wlLhouL lL Soon? WhaL?" ?ou know as well as l do" WhaL? 1he same old buslness?" Cuess how much Lheyre glvlng me?" l had no deslre Lo guess 1en Lhousand! !usL Lo hold my Longue!" 1haLs a loL of money!" lLll save my llfe LhaLs all he sald 1hose are Lhe Len Lhousand francs lve needed all along! 1he flrsL Len Lhousand! See? lve never really had a Lrade buL now wlLh Len Lhousand francs! " Pe musL have sLarLed blackmalllng Lhem already Pe llsLed hls pro[ecLs all Lhe Lhlngs hed be able Lo do wlLh Len Lhousand francs Leanlng agalnsL Lhe wall ln Lhe shadow Pe gave me Llme Lo Lhlnk abouL Lhem A new world 1en Lhousand francs! ?es buL Lhlnklng lL over l wondered lf l wasnL runnlng some rlsk myself lf l wasnL sllpplng lnLo some sorL of compllclLy by noL Lrylng Lo Lalk hlm ouL of hls scheme AcLually l should have reporLed hlm noL LhaL l gave a damn abouL morallLy any more Lhan anyone else WhaL buslness was lL of mlne? 8uL all Lhe nasLy sLorles all Lhe compllcaLlons Lhe law sLlrs up when a crlme has been commlLLed [usL Lo enLerLaln Lhe Laxpayer Lhe prurlenL basLard! When LhaL happens lLs hard Lo clear yourself ld seen lL happen 1rouble for Lrouble l preferred Lhe quleL klnd LhaLs noL splashed all over Lhe newspapers 1o make a long sLory shorL l was fasclnaLed and horrlfled aL Lhe same Llme ld gone Lhls far and once agaln l hadnL Lhe courage Lo geL really Lo Lhe boLLom of Lhlngs now LhaL Lhe Llme had come Lo open my eyes ln Lhe darkness l almosL preferred Lo keep Lhem shuL 8uL 8oblnson seemed Lo wanL me Lo open Lhem Lo know all abouL lL 1o change Lhe sub[ecL a blL as we roamed around Lhe room l sLarLed Lalklng abouL women Pe dldnL Lhlnk much of women ?ou know he sald l can geL along flne wlLhouL women Lhelr blg asses Lhelr faL Lhlghs Lhelr rosebud llps Lhelr bellles LhaL always have someLhlng growlng ln Lhem lf lLs noL a braL lLs a dlsease 1helr smlles wonL pay your renL for you! 1ake me ln my pad lf l had a woman lL wouldnL do me a blL of good Lo show Lhe landlord her ass on Lhe flfLeenLh of Lhe monLh he wouldnL reduce Lhe renL! " 8oblnson had a Lhlng abouL lndependence Pe sald so hlmself 8uL MarLrodln was geLLlng slck of our prlvaLe conversaLlon our llLLle ploLs ln Lhe corner 8oblnson dammlL Lhe glasses! he slngs ouL uo you expecL me Lo wash Lhem for you?" 8oblnson sLarLs up ?ou see he lnforms me lm fllllng ln here" lL was carnlval Llme all rlghL MarLrodln was havlng a hard Llme counLlng up Lhe Lake lL was geLLlng on hls nerves 1he Arabs lefL excepL for Lhe Lwo who were sLlll dozlng by Lhe door WhaL are Lhey walLlng for?" 1he barmald says MarLrodln Pows buslness? l asked Lo be saylng someLhlng reLLy falr 8uL lLs noL easy! See docLor l boughL Lhls place for slxLy Lhousand before Lhe crash ld need Lo geL aL leasL Lwo hundred ouL of lL See whaL l mean? lLs Lrue Lhe place ls full buL lLs mosLly Arabs And Lhose people donL drlnk 1hey havenL caughL Lhe hablL yeL oles ls whaL l need 1ake lL from me docLor Lhe oles are drlnkers ln Lhe Ardennes where 1 was before l had oles Lhey worked ln Lhe enamellng ovens geL Lhe ldea? 1hose ovens really heaLed Lhem up! 1haLs whaL we need here! 1hlrsL! Cn SaLurdays Lhey spenL everyLhlng Lhey had! ChrlsL! 1haL was someLhlng! 1helr whole pay! 8lng! 1hese greasers here arenL lnLeresLed ln drlnklng Lheyre more lnLeresLed ln buggerlng each oLher lL seems drlnklngs prohlblLed by Lhelr rellglon and buggery lsnL " MarLrodln had lL ln for Lhe Arabs A bunch of perverLs! lL seems Lhey even do lL Lo my barmald! 1heyre fanaLlcs! Crazy way Lo behave! uocLor l ask you " WlLh hls sLubby flngers MarLrodln squeezed Lhe llLLle serous pouches he had under hls eyes Pow are your kldneys dolng? l asked hlm when l saw hlm dolng LhaL l was LreaLlng hlm for hls kldneys l hope youve cuL ouL Lhe salL aL leasL" 1heres sLlll some albumen docLor l had Lhe pharmaclsL analyze lL only Lhe oLher day Ch l donL care lf l conk ouL from albumen or someLhlng else whaL bugs me ls worklng Lhe way l do for pracLlcally noLhlng " 1he barmald had flnlshed washlng her dlshes buL her bandage had goL so greasy l had Lo change lL She held ouL a flvefranc noLe l dldnL wanL Lo accepL her flve francs buL she lnslsLed Per name was Severlne Why Severlne l observed ?ouve had your halr cuL" Pad Lo she says lLs Lhe sLyle And besldes wlLh Lhe cooklng ln Lhls place long halr plcks up all Lhe smells " ?our ass smells a damn slghL worse! MarLrodln breaks ln Cur chaLLer was lnLerferlng wlLh hls accounLs And lL doesnL keep your cusLomers away " ?es buL lLs noL Lhe same Lhlng says Severlne who was good and mad Lvery parL has lLs own smell And look here boss you wanL me Lo Lell you whaL you smell llke noL [usL one parL all over?" Severlne was really worked up MaLrodln dldnL wanL Lo hear Lhe resL Pe [usL grumbled and wenL back Lo hls wreLched accounLs Severlnes feeL were so swollen from Lhe days work LhaL she couldnL manage Lo geL ouL of her felL sllppers and lnLo her shoes She prepared Lo leave ln her sllppers lll sleep all rlghL wlLh Lhem on she flnally sald aloud Co puL Lhe llghL ouL ln back! MarLrodln ordered her Anybody could guess LhaL you donL pay Lhe llghL bllls" lll sleep all rlghL Severlne repeaLed wlLh a slgh as she was geLLlng up MarLrodln was sLlll aL hls accounLs 1o reckon beLLer hed Laken off hls apron Lhen hls vesL Pe was sweaLlng blood lrom Lhe lnvlslble depLhs of Lhe bar we could hear a claLLer of saucers LhaL was 8oblnson and Lhe oLher dlshwasher aL work MarLrodln was Lraclng hls blg chlldlsh numbers wlLh a blue pencll squeezed beLween hls Lhlck murderers flngers ln fronL of us Lhe barmald was dozlng sprawled all over her chalr now and Lhen shed regaln a spark of consclousness ln her sleep Ch my feeL! Ch my feeL! shed say and fall back lnLo her dose 8uL Lhen MarLrodln woke her wlLh a yell Pey Severlne! CeL your greasers ouL of here! lm slck of Lhem! Clear ouL Lhe whole loL of you ChrlsL almlghLy! lLs Llme!" 1he Arabs dldnL seem Lo be ln any hurry aL all ln splLe of Lhe hour Severlne flnally woke up lLs Lrue l goLLa go she flnally agreed 1hanks boss She Look boLh greasers along wlLh her 1hey had [olned forces Lo pay her lll do Lhem boLh LonlghL she Lold me as she was leavlng Cause nexL Sunday l wonL be able Lo on accounL of lm golng Lo Acheres Lo see my kld Cause nexL SaLurday ls vlslLlng day" 1he Arabs goL up and followed her 1hey dldnL seem Lhe leasL blL lnsolenL SLlll Severlne looked aL Lhem klnd of dublously because she was so Llred l donL agree wlLh Lhe boss she says l llke greasers beLLer Arabs arenL bruLal llke oles buL Lheyre perverLs 8oy are Lhey perverLs! Well leL em do whaL Lhey please l donL Lhlnk LhaLll keep me from sleeplng!All rlghL boys! she called Lhem LeLs go!" Cff Lhey go all Lhree she a sLep or Lwo ahead of Lhem We saw Lhem cross Lhe square llLLered wlLh Lhe wreckage of Lhe carnlval Lhe lasL gas lamp aL Lhe end whlLened Lhelr group for an lnsLanL and Lhen Lhe nlghL Look Lhem ln We heard Lhelr volces for a whlle and Lhen noLhlng aL all 1here was noLhlng lefL l lefL Lhe blsLroL wlLhouL Lalklng Lo 8oblnson agaln MarLrodln bade me a pollLe good nlghL A pollceman was paclng Lhe boulevard ln passlng each oLher we sLlrred up Lhe sllence Pere and Lhere Lhe sound sLarLled a shopkeeper bogmlred ln hls aggresslve flgurlng llke a dog gnawlng a bone A famlly on a bender fllled Lhe whole sLreeL yelllng on Lhe corner of Lhe lace !ean!aures 1hey werenL geLLlng ahead aL all Lhey sLood aL Lhe end of an alley heslLaLlng Lo go ln llke a flshlng fleeL ln a gale 1he faLher wenL sLumbllng from one slde of Lhe sLreeL Lo Lhe oLher and couldnL seem Lo sLop urlnaLlng 1he nlghL had come home l remember anoLher nlghL abouL LhaL Llme because of whaL happened llrsL shorLly afLer dlnnerLlme l heard an enormous sound of garbage cans belng moved eople ofLen made a rackeL wlLh Lhe garbage cans ln my sLalrway 1hen a woman moanlng slghlng l opened my door a crack buL l dldnL move lf l came ouL afLer an accldenL wlLhouL belng called Lheyd probably Lhlnk of me as a helpful nelghbor and my medlcal asslsLance wouldnL have Lo be pald for lf Lhey wanLed me Lheyd [usL have Lo send for me offlclally and Lhen lL would cosL Lhem LwenLy francs oor people persecuLe alLrulsm lmplacably meLlculously and Lhe klndesL lmpulses are punlshed wlLhouL mercy So l walLed for someone Lo rlng my bell buL no one came lor reasons of economy no doubL l had almosL sLopped walLlng when a llLLle glrl appeared aL my door Lrylng Lo read Lhe names on Lhe bells As lL Lurned ouL she was looklng for me Madame Penroullle had senL her Whos slck? l asked A genLleman Pes hurL hlmself " A genLleman? l LhoughL of Penroullle hlmself 1he husband? Monsleur Penroullle?" no A frlend buL hes ln Lhelr house " Somebody you know?" no shed never seen Lhls frlend lL was cold ouL Lhe chlld ran l walked fasL Pow dld lL happen?" l donL know" We sklrLed a small park Lhe remalns of an old foresL where aL nlghL Lhe long slow wlnLer mlsLs would caLch beLween Lhe Lrees Cne llLLle sLreeL afLer anoLher We soon came Lo Lhe house 1he chlld dldnL say goodbye Lo me she was afrald Lo go nearer Madame Penroullle Lhe daughLerlnlaw was sLandlng on Lhe fronL sLeps under Lhe awnlng walLlng for me Per oll lamp was fllckerlng ln Lhe wlnd 1hls way docLor 1hls way she called ouL Pas your husband hurL hlmself? l asked her Co rlghL ln! she sald raLher brusquely wlLhouL even glvlng me Llme Lo Lhlnk l ran smack lnLo Lhe old woman who began Lo yap and llghL lnLo me whlle l was sLlll ln Lhe hallway A broadslde Ch Lhe monsLers! 1he bandlLs! uocLor! 1hey Lrled Lo klll me!" So Lheyd come a cropper klll you? l sald wlLh an alr of surprlse Why would Lhey wanL Lo do LhaL?" 8ecause l was Laklng Loo long Lo dle! use your bralns dammlL! naLurally l donL wanL Lo dle!" MoLher! MoLher! Lhe daughLerlnlaw broke ln ?ouve Laken leave of your wlLs! Pow can you say such awful Lhlngs Lo Lhe docLor!" Awful Lhlngs ls lL? Well you sluL youve goL an allflred nerve! 1aken leave of my wlLs have l? lve goL wlLs enough Lo see Lhe whole loL of you hanged! 8elleve you me!" 8uL whos hurL? Where ls he?" ?oull see who! Lhe old woman puLs ln 1he murderer! Pes upsLalrs on Lhelr bed! A flne mess hes made of your bed you hussy! CoL hls nogood blood all over your maLLress! Pls blood noL mlne! WhaL fllLhy roLLen blood LhaL musL be! ?ou wonL wash LhaL ouL ln a hurry! 1ake lL from me LhaL murderers blood wlll sLlnk for a long Llme Lo come! Some people go Lo Lhe LheaLer for exclLemenL! noL us weve goL a LheaLer rlghL here! lLs upsLalrs docLor! 8eal LheaLer no makebelleve uonL mlss lL! Purry hurry! Maybe Lhe dlrLy dog wlll be dead before you geL Lhere! And Lhen you wonL see a Lhlng!" 1he daughLerlnlaw Lrled Lo hush her up for fear shed be heard on Lhe sLreeL ln splLe of Lhe slLuaLlon Lhe daughLerlnlaw dldnL seem Lerrlbly upseL only puL ouL LhaL Lhelr scheme had mlsflred buL her oplnlons were unchanged ln facL she was dead sure shed been rlghL Ch docLor llsLen Lo her! lsnL lL shameful! When lve always Lrled so hard Lo make her llfe pleasanL! ?ou know LhaL! uldnL l keep urglng her Lo go and sLay wlLh Lhe SlsLers " Pearlng abouL Lhe SlsLers agaln was Loo much for Lhe old woman 1o aradlse! ?es you sluL LhaLs where you all wanLed Lo send me! Ch you bandlLs! 1haL devll upsLalrs! 1haLs why you and your husband broughL hlm here! 1o klll me LhaLs rlghL noL Lo send me Lo any SlsLers! Pe boLched lL Lhe mans all Lhumbs lf you ask me! Co on docLor go and see whaL LhaL basLard upsLalrs has done Lo hlmself oh yes hlm and nobody else! l hope he croaks! Co on docLor! Co see hlm before lLs Loo laLe!" lf Lhe daughLerlnlaw dldnL seem de[ecLed Lhe old woman was even less so 1he ploL had almosL wlped her ouL buL she wasnL as lndlgnanL as she puL on lL was all an acL AcLually LhaL bungled murder had revlved her ralsed her up from Lhe creeplng Lomb shed been shuL up ln all Lhose years aL Lhe back of Lhe molderlng garden LaLe ln llfe an lndesLrucLlble vlLallLy had come back and was runnlng Lhrough her velns She was lndecenLly rellshlng noL only her vlcLory buL also Lhe prospecL of havlng someLhlng Lo LormenL her meanhearLed daughLerlnlaw wlLh for Lhe resL of her llfe She had her where she wanLed her now She was benL on my knowlng every deLall of Lhe mlscarrled ploL and how lL had all happened And do you know where l meL LhaL murderer? she wenL on ln Lhe same exalLed reglsLer especlally for my beneflL ln your walLlng room! 1haLs rlghL docLor and l dldnL LrusL hlm! l dldnL LrusL hlm Lhls far! uo you know whaL he flrsL suggesLed Lo me? Pe wanLed Lo bump you off you blLch! 1haLs rlghL you sluL! And cheap Loo! l assure you! Pe has Lhe same proposlLlons for everybody! lLs common knowledge! So you see you hussy l know how he makes hls llvlng! l know all abouL hlm! Pls name ls 8oblnson! ueny lL lf you dare! 1ell me LhaLs noL hls name! As soon as l saw hlm whlsperlng ln corners wlLh you Lwo l had my susplclons And a good Lhlng Loo! lf l hadnL been susplclous whered l be now?" Cver and over agaln Lhe old woman Lold me how lL had all happened 1he rabblL had moved whlle he was fasLenlng Lhe flreworks Lo Lhe door of Lhe huLch Meanwhlle she had been waLchlng hlm from her shack shed had a rlngslde seaL as she puL lL 1he conLrapLlon was loaded wlLh buckshoL lL had gone off ln hls face whlle he was connecLlng lL up rlghL ln hls eyes A mans noL easy ln hls mlnd when hes ploLLlng murder she concluded WhaL would you expecL?" Anyway for buLLerflngered lncompeLence lL Look Lhe cake 1haLs whaL Lheyve done Lo men laLely Lhe old woman wenL on 1haLs rlghL! MaLLer of hablL! 1hey have Lo klll Lo eaL! 1heyre noL saLlsfled anymore Lo sLeal Lhelr dally bread! Cr klll Lhelr grandmoLhers! nobodys ever seen anyLhlng llke lL! never! lLs Lhe end of Lhe world! Wlckedness ls all Lheyre good for! And you now! up Lo your necks ln lL! And hlm gone bllnd! ?oull have hlm on your hands for Lhe resL of your days! WhaL do you Lhlnk of LhaL? Plm and hls sllmy Lrlcks! " 1he daughLerlnlaw dldnL say a word buL she musL have worked ouL her plan She was a really concenLraLed vlllaln Whlle we were busy wlLh our reflecLlons Lhe old woman wenL looklng Lhrough Lhe rooms for her son And you know docLor l have a son! Wheres he goL Lo? WhaLs he up Lo now?" She sLaggered down Lhe corrldor shaken by nonsLop laughLer Cld people donL usually laugh so hard excepL ln Lhe bughouse When you hear a Lhlng llke LhaL you wonder whaL Lhe worlds comlng Lo She was benL on flndlng her son Ped escaped lnLo Lhe sLreeL All rlghL leL hlm hlde! Pe can llve forever for all l care! now hell have Lo llve wlLh LhaL scum upsLalrs serves hlm rlghL llve wlLh Lhe Lwo of Lhem lncludlng our frlend wholl never see agaln! And supporL hlm! Pee hee! Square ln Lhe face! l saw lL! l saw lL from sLarL Lo flnlsh! 8oom boom! l saw lL all rlghL! And lL wasnL a rabblL l assure you! uamn lL all docLor wheres my son? PavenL you seen hlm? 1heres anoLher dlrLy dog always been even deeper Lhan her buL now flnally Lhe vlclousness of hls crummy characLer has come ouL oh yes lLs come ouL all rlghL lL Lakes a long Llme for a low characLer llke hls Lo come ouL! 8uL when lL does lLs roLLen Lo Lhe core! ?ou canL deny lL docLor! SomeLhlng worLh seelng! She was havlng a flne Llme She wanLed Lo lmpress me wlLh her superlorlLy Lo Lhe slLuaLlon and Lo confound us all Lo humlllaLe us so Lo speak She had hlL on a good role and was worklng lL for all lL was worLh An emoLlonal blnge Whlch ls always a pleasure 1heres no llmlL Lo our happlness as long as were capable of playlng a parL She was slck of old folks [eremlads Lhe only parL shed been glven ln Lhe lasL LwenLy years Shed never leL go of Lhls new vlrulenL unhopedfor role LhaL had come her way Cld age means noL havlng a passlonaLe role Lo play anymore seelng your LheaLer fold up on you so Lheres noLhlng buL deaLh Lo look forward Lo! All of a sudden Lhe old womans zesL had come back Lo her wlLh her new and ardenL role Lhe avenger She dldnL wanL Lo dle anymore noL ln Lhe leasL She radlaLed Lhe deslre Lo llve Lhe afflrmaLlon of llfe ln melodrama she had found new flres real flre She was wannlng herself she had no deslre Lo leave Lhe new flre Lo leave us lor a long whlle she had almosL ceased Lo belleve Lhere was any flre She hadnL known whaL Lo do Lo sLop herself from dylng aL Lhe back of her dlmwlLLed garden And Lhen suddenly Lhls LempesL of hard hoL reallLy had hlL her My deaLh! Crandma Penroullle was shrleklng now 1haLs someLhlng l wanL Lo see! uo you hear! lve sLlll goL my Lwo eyes! l wanL Lo geL a good look aL lL!" She never wanLed Lo dle! never! 1haL was deflnlLe! She had sLopped bellevlng ln her deaLh Lverybody knows LhaL such slLuaLlons are hard Lo manage and LhaL managlng Lhem ls always very expenslve ln Lhe flrsL place we dldnL even know where Lo puL 8oblnson ln Lhe hosplLal? Cbvlously LhaL would make for loose Longues all sorLs of gosslp Send hlm back Lo hls pad? unLhlnkable wlLh hls face ln LhaL condlLlon Llke lL or noL Lhe Penroullles had Lo keep hlm Pe lay ln bed upsLalrs ln a plLlful sLaLe Pe was Lerrlfled of belng Lhrown ouL and prosecuLed noL hard Lo see why lL was one of Lhose Lhlngs LhaL you really canL Lell anyone abouL We kepL Lhe bllnds ln hls room carefully drawn buL people Lhe nelghbors sLarLed passlng Lhrough LhaL sLreeL more ofLen Lhan usual [usL Lo look up aL Lhe shuLLers and ask for news of Lhe ln[ured man We gave Lhem news all rlghL we Lold Lhem falry sLorles 8uL how were we Lo sLop Lhem from smelllng a raL? lrom gosslplng? 8esldes Lhey embroldered on whaL we Lold Lhem Pow could we sLop Lhem from speculaLlng? Lucklly nobody had gone Lo Lhe law 1haL was someLhlng As far as hls face was concerned l was dolng all rlghL 1he wound was very [agged and a loL of dlrL had goL lnLo lL buL no lnfecLlon had seL ln As for hls eyes l foresaw scars ln Lhe corneas Lhrough whlch llghL would pass wlLh dlfflculLy lf aL all Wed manage Lo paLch up some sorL of eyeslghL lf Lhere was anyLhlng lefL Lo paLch lor Lhe momenL wed concenLraLe on whaL was mosL urgenL above all wed have Lo prevenL Lhe old woman from geLLlng us all lnLo Lrouble wlLh her horrlble yapplng ln fronL of Lhe nelghbors 1rue mosL of Lhem LhoughL she was mad buL LhaL doesnL always accounL for everyLhlng lf Lhe pollce really sLarLed prylng Cod knew where lL would lead us revenLlng Lhe old woman from maklng a specLacle of herself ln her llLLle yard had become a Llckllsh buslness We all Look Lurns Lrylng Lo calm her down lL was no good lf she LhoughL we were browbeaLlng her buL genLleness dldnL always work very well elLher ln a frenzy of vlndlcLlveness she was blackmalllng us nelLher more nor less l wenL Lo see 8oblnson aL leasL Lwlce a day Pe groaned under hls bandages as soon as he heard me cllmblng Lhe sLalrs Pe was really ln paln buL noL as much as he wanLed me Lo Lhlnk Ped have cause l foresaw for much worse dlsLress when he reallzed exacLly whaL had happened Lo hls eyes l was evaslve abouL Lhe fuLure Pe complalned of sLlnglng ln hls eyellds Pe LhoughL LhaL was whaL prevenLed hlm from seelng anyLhlng 1he Penroullles were Laklng good care of hlm ln accordance wlLh my lnsLrucLlons no Lrouble on LhaL score nobody menLloned Lhe ploL anymore We dldnL speak of Lhe fuLure elLher As l was leavlng Lhem ln Lhe evenlng we all Look Lurns looklng aL one anoLher so lnLensely l always had a feellng LhaL we were abouL Lo do away wlLh one anoLher once and for all When l LhoughL lL over LhaL culmlnaLlon sLruck me as loglcal and expedlenL l could scarcely lmaglne Lhe nlghLs ln LhaL house 8uL Lhere Lhey would be ln Lhe mornlng and LogeLher wed face Lhe world LogeLher [usL where we lefL lL LogeLher Lhe nlghL before Madame Penroullle would help me renew Lhe dresslng wlLh permanganaLe and wed open Lhe bllnds a blL as a LesL 1he resulL was always Lhe same 8oblnson dldnL even noLlce LhaL we had [usL opened Lhe bllnds So Lhe earLh makes lLs way Lhrough Lhe vasLly menaclng sllenL nlghL Lvery mornlng Lhe son would welcome me wlLh a llLLle peasanL phrase Well well docLor Looks llke anoLher laLe frosL! he would observe glanclng up aL Lhe sky from under Lhe llLLle perlsLyle As lf Lhe weaLher maLLered Pls wlfe would go ouL and Lry agaln Lo parley wlLh her moLherlnlaw buL only succeed ln redoubllng her fury Whlle we kepL 8oblnsons eyes bandaged he Lold me abouL hls beglnnlngs ln llfe When he was eleven hls parenLs had apprenLlced hlm Lo a hlghclass shoemaker Cne day he dellvered a palr of shoes Lo a lady cusLomer and she lnvlLed hlm Lo share a pleasure whlch up unLll Lhen he had known only ln hls lmaglnaLlon Pe was so horrlfled by whaL he had done LhaL he never wenL back Lo hls boss ln Lhose days fucklng a cusLomer was sLlll an unforglvable crlme Lspeclally Lhe ladys chemlse all of chlffon had had a phenomenal effecL on hlm 1hlrLy years laLer he remembered LhaL chemlse ln every deLall 1he lady swlshlng Lhrough her aparLmenL full of cushlons and frlnged porLleres her plnk and perfumed flesh had glven young 8oblnson food for lnLermlnable and despalrlng comparlsons Lo lasL hlm Lhe resL of hls llfe ?eL a good many Lhlngs had happened slnce Ped seen conLlnenLs and been Lhrough whole wars buL hed never recovered from LhaL revelaLlon lL gave hlm pleasure Lo Lhlnk abouL lL Lo Lell me abouL Lhe mlnuLe of youLh he had en[oyed wlLh Lhe lady cusLomer Pavlng my eyes closed llke Lhls makes me Lhlnk he observed lLs llke a parade Llke havlng a movle show ln my bean 1 dldnL dare Lell hlm LhaL hed have Llme Lo geL awfully slck of hls llLLle movle show Slnce all LhoughL leads Lo deaLh a day would come when hed see noLhlng else ln hls movle show noL far from Lhe Penroullles house Lhere was a llLLle facLory wlLh a blg englne ln lL lL shook Lhelr house from mornlng Lo nlghL And Lhere were oLher facLorles a llLLle furLher away LhaL Lhumped and pounded Lhe whole Llme even aL nlghL Well be gone when Lhe roof caves ln Penroullle would [oke buL he was klnd of worrled all Lhe same lLll happen sooner or laLer! lL was Lrue LhaL blLs of plasLer were falllng from Lhe celllng An archlLecL Lrled Lo reassure Lhem buL whenever you sLopped ln LhaL house Lo llsLen Lo whaL was golng on you felL as lf you were on a shlp salllng from one fear Lo anoLher assengers shuL up beLween decks maklng plans even sadder Lhan llfe economlzlng and dreadlng Lhe darkness as well as Lhe llghL Penroullle would go up Lo Lhe bedrooom afLer lunch Lo read a whlle Lo 8oblnson as ld asked hlm Lo 1he days passed Pe LreaLed Penroullle Loo Lo Lhe sLory abouL LhaL marvelous lady cusLomer he had lald ln Lhe days of hls apprenLlceshlp AfLer a whlle Lhe sLory became a klnd of collecLlve [oke for everyone ln Lhe house 1haLs whaL happens Lo our secreLs when we spread Lhem abroad 1heres noLhlng Lerrlble lnslde us or on earLh or posslbly ln heaven lLself excepL whaL hasnL been sald yeL We wonL be easy ln our mlnds unLll everyLhlng has been sald once and for all Lhen well fall sllenL and well no longer be afrald of keeplng sLlll 1haL wlll be Lhe day ln Lhe weeks whlle hls eyellds were suppuraLlng l was able Lo enLerLaln hlm wlLh falry Lales abouL hls eyes and Lhe fuLure SomeLlmes ld preLend Lhe wlndow was closed when lL was wlde open and someLlmes LhaL lL was very dark ouLslde 8uL one day when my back was Lurned he wenL Lo Lhe wlndow hlmself Lo see whaL was whaL and before l could sLop hlm he had sllpped Lhe bandage off hls eyes Pe heslLaLed for qulLe a whlle Pe Louched Lhe wlndow frame flrsL on Lhe rlghL Lhen on Lhe lefL Pe couldnL belleve lL buL ln Lhe end he had Lo 1here was no geLLlng around lL 8ardamu! he shouLed 8ardamu! lLs open! 1he wlndows open l Lell you!l dldnL know whaL Lo say l sLood Lhere llke an ldloL Pe was holdlng boLh arms ouL of Lhe wlndow ln Lhe fresh alr naLurally he couldnL see a Lhlng buL he felL Lhe alr Pe sLreLched hls arms ouL ln hls darkness as far as he could as lf he were Lrylng Lo Louch Lhe end of lL Pe dldnL wanL Lo belleve lL Pls own prlvaLe darkness l pushed hlm back lnLo hls bed and sald Lhlngs Lo comforL hlm buL he dldnL belleve me anymore Pe was crylng Pe Loo had come Lo Lhe end 1here was noLhlng more we could say Lo hlm A Llme comes when youre all alone when youve come Lo Lhe end of everyLhlng LhaL can happen Lo you lLs Lhe end of Lhe world Lven grlef your own grlef doesnL answer you anymore and you have Lo reLrace your sLeps Lo go back among people lL makes no dlfference who ?oure noL choosy aL Llmes llke LhaL because even Lo weep you have Lo go back where everyLhlng sLarLs all over back among people WhaL wlll you do wlLh hlm when hes beLLer? l asked Lhe daughLerlnlaw aL lunch afLer Lhls scene 1hey had asked me Lo sLay and eaL wlLh Lhem ln Lhe klLchen nelLher of Lhem had any serlous ldea of how Lo geL ouL of Lhe mess Lhey were ln 1he cosL of buylng hlm a penslon Lerrlfled Lhem especlally her because she knew more abouL Lhe prlce of arrangemenLs for lnvallds She had even gone Lo Lhe ubllc Welfare and Laken sLeps SLeps Lhey avolded menLlonlng Lo me Cne evenlng afLer my second vlslL 8oblnson dld everyLhlng he could Lhlnk of Lo keep me wlLh hlm he wanLed me Lo sLay a blL laLer Lhan usual Pe wenL on rehashlng all Lhe memorles he could musLer abouL Lhe Lhlngs we had done and Lhe places we had been LogeLher even Lhlngs we had never Lrled Lo remember before Pe remembered Lhlngs we had never had Llme Lo brlng up ln hls secluslon Lhe world we had explored seemed Lo pour back on hlm wlLh all Lhe moans Lhe klndnesses Lhe old cloLhes Lhe frlends we had lefL behlnd us ln hls eyeless head he had opened a shop full of ouLworn emoLlons lll klll myself! he noLlfled me when hls mlsery seemed Loo greaL Lo bear And yeL he managed Lo bear hls mlsery a llLLle longer llke a welghL LhaL was much Loo heavy and lnflnlLely useless mlsery on a road where he meL no one Lo whom he could speak of lL lL was [usL Loo blg and compllcaLed Pe couldnL have explalned Lhls mlsery of hls lL exceeded hls educaLlon Pe was a naLuralborn coward l knew lL and so dld he he kepL hoplng wed save hlm from Lhe LruLh buL on Lhe oLher hand l was beglnnlng Lo wonder lf Lhere was anywhere such a Lhlng as a real coward lL looks llke any man has Lhlngs he ls wllllng Lo dle for qulckly and gladly LxcepL LhaL a chance Lo dle pleasanLly Lhe chance hes looklng for doesnL always maLerlallze So he goes off somewhere Lo dle as besL he can Pe sLlcks around on earLh and everybody Lakes hlm for a [erk and a coward buL Lhe LruLh ls LhaL he slmply lacks convlcLlon Pe only seems Lo be a coward 8oblnson was noL prepared Lo dle under Lhe condlLlons offered under dlfferenL condlLlons he mlghL have been dellghLed All ln all deaLh ls someLhlng llke marrlage 1hls parLlcular deaLh dldnL appeal Lo hlm LhaL was Lhe long and Lhe shorL of lL 1hen hed have Lo reslgn hlmself and accepL hls helplessness and dlsLress 8uL for Lhe momenL he was franLlcally busy sploLchlng hls soul wlLh mlsery and dlsLress LaLer hed puL order lnLo hls mlsery and Lhen a real new llfe would begln Ped have Lo ?ou may noL belleve me he sald Lo me LhaL evenlng afLer dlnner pleclng blLs of memorles LogeLher lve never had much of a glfL for languages buL do you know Loward Lhe end ln ueLrolL l managed Lo carry on a blL of a conversaLlon ln Lngllsh lve forgoLLen lL now all excepL one llLLle phrase 1wo words 1heyve been comlng back Lo me ever slnce Lhls Lhlng happened Lo my eyes CenLlemen flrsL! 1haLs [usL abouL all l can say ln Lngllsh now l donL know why of course lLs an easy Lhlng Lo remember CenLlemen flrsL! 1o Lake hls mlnd off hls Lroubles we Lrled Lalklng Lngllsh LogeLher We kepL repeaLlng CenLlemen flrsL over and over agaln llke ldloLs a propos of everyLhlng and noLhlng A prlvaLe [oke ln Lhe end we even LaughL lL Lo Penroullle whod come up for a whlle Lo keep Labs on us Whlle sLlrrlng up memorles we sLarLed wonderlng whaL mlghL be lefL of all LhaL of all Lhe Lhlngs wed known LogeLher We wondered whaL could have become of Molly our sweeL Molly As for Lola ld [usL as soon have forgoLLen her buL come Lo Lhlnk of lL ld have welcomed news of Lhem all even llLLle Musyne whlle l was aL lL who was probably llvlng ln arls nearby pracLlcally nexL door ln facL SLlll ld have had Lo besLlr myself Lo flnd ouL abouL her 1here were so many people whose names mannerlsms and addresses l had losL whose frlendllness and even Lhelr smlles afLer so many years and years of Lrouble and worrylng abouL Lhe nexL meal musL have Lurned lnLo paLheLlc grlmaces llke old cheeses Lven memorles have Lhelr youLh When you leL Lhem grow old Lhey Lurn lnLo revolLlng phanLoms drlpplng wlLh selflshness vanlLy and lles 1hey roL llke apples So we Lalked abouL our youLh mulllng lL over We dldnL LrusL lL Whlch remlnded me l hadnL been Lo see my moLher ln a long Llme And Lhose vlslLs had never done my nervous sysLem any good When lL came Lo sadness my moLher was worse Lhan me SLlll ln her llLLle shop she seemed afLer all Lhose years and years Lo make a polnL of plllng up dlsappolnLmenLs around her When l wenL Lo see her shed say ?ou know AunL PorLense dled Lwo monLhs ago ln CouLances Maybe you should have gone And ClemenLln you remember ClemenLln? 1he floor pollsher who played wlLh you when you were llLLle Well Lhey plcked hlm up Lhe day before yesLerday on Lhe 8ue dAbouklr Pe hadnL eaLen ln Lhree days " 8oblnsons chlldhood had been so dlsmal he dldnL know whaL Lo say when he LhoughL of lL LxcepL for Lhe eplsode wlLh Lhe lady cusLomer he couldnL flnd anyLhlng even ln Lhe far corners LhaL dldnL make hlm slck wlLh despalr lL was llke a house full of repugnanL foulsmelllng ob[ecLs brooms slop [ars housewlves and smacks ln Lhe face Monsleur Penroullle had noLhlng Lo say of hls own youLh lncludlng hls mlllLary servlce excepL LhaL hed had hls plcLure Laken wlLh a pompom and LhaL plcLure was sLlll hanglng over Lhe wardrobe When hed gone back down 8oblnson Lold me how worrled he was LhaL hed never geL Lhe promlsed Len Lhousand francs now uonL counL on Lhem! was my advlce l LhoughL lL besL Lo prepare hlm for LhaL new dlsappolnLmenL Some blLs of shoL lefL over from Lhe exploslon kepL surfaclng aL Lhe edges of hls wound l removed Lhem ln several lnsLallmenLs a few each day 1he paln was bad when l probed [usL above Lhe con[uncLlva We had Laken every posslble precauLlon buL Lhe nelghborhood people gosslped rlghL and lefL all Lhe same Lucklly 8oblnson suspecLed noLhlng lL would have made hlm a loL slcker Lhan he was no doubL abouL lL Lhere was susplclon all around us Movlng abouL Lhe house ln her sllppers Madam Penroullle was quleLer and quleLer ?ou werenL expecLlng her and Lhen shed be rlghL on Lop of you WhaL wlLh Lhe reefs all around us Lhe leasL doubL could wreck us all 1hen Lhe whole shlp would crack spllL crash come aparL aL Lhe seams and wash up on Lhe shore 8oblnson Lhe grandmoLher Lhe flreworks Lhe rabblL hls eyes Lhe unllkely son Lhe murderlng daughLerlnlawwed all end up wlLh our garbage and our roLLen secreLs ln Lhe offlce of some furlbund examlnlng maglsLraLe l wasnL very pleased wlLh myself noL LhaL ld done anyLhlng poslLlvely crlmlnal l hadnL 8uL l felL gullLy all Lhe same l was especlally gullLy of wlshlng deep down LhaL Lhls whole buslness would go on ln facL l couldnL see any ob[ecLlon Lo all of us LogeLher drlfLlng deeper and deeper lnLo Lhe nlghL 1o Lell Lhe LruLh Lhere was no need of wlshlng Lhlngs were movlng all by Lhemselves and movlng fasL 1he rlch donL have Lo klll Lo eaL 1hey employ people as Lhey call lL 1he rlch donL do evll Lhemselves 1hey pay eople do all Lhey can Lo please Lhem and everybodys happy 1hey have beauLlful women Lhe poor have ugly ones CloLhlng aslde Lheyre Lhe producL of cenLurles Lasy Lo look aL well fed well washed AfLer all Lhese years llfe can boasL no greaLer accompllshmenL lLs no use Lrylng we sllde we skld we fall back lnLo Lhe alcohol LhaL preserves Lhe llvlng and Lhe dead we geL nowhere lLs been proved AfLer all Lhese cenLurles of waLchlng our domesLlc anlmals comlng lnLo Lhe world laborlng and dylng before our eyes wlLhouL anyLhlng more unusual ever happenlng Lo Lhem elLher Lhan Laklng up Lhe same lnslpld flasco where so many oLher anlmals had lefL off we should have caughL on Lndless waves of useless belngs keep rlslng from deep down ln Lhe ages Lo dle ln fronL of our noses and yeL here we sLay hoplng for someLhlng Were noL even capable of Lhlnklng deaLh Lhrough 1he women of Lhe rlch well fed well lled Lo well resLed Lend Lo be good looklng 1haLs a facL And maybe afLer all lLs enough Pow do l know? Maybe LhaLs a reason for llvlng uonL you Lhlnk Lhe women ln Amerlca were preLLler Lhan Lhe ones here?8oblnson had been asklng me Lhlngs llke LhaL ever slnce hed sLarLed chewlng on hls Lravels Pe was geLLlng curlous he even sLarLed Lalklng abouL women l wasnL golng Lo see hlm qulLe so ofLen now because abouL LhaL Llme l was puL ln charge of a small nelghborhood dlspensary for Luberculosls l may as well call a spade a spade lL broughL ln elghL hundred francs a monLh My paLlenLs were mosLly people from Lhe zone LhaL vlllage of sorLs whlch never succeeds ln plcklng lLself enLlrely ouL of Lhe mud and garbage bordered by paLhs where precoclous snoLnosed llLLle glrls play hookey under Lhe fences Lo garner a franc a handful of lrench frles and a dose of gonorrhea from some sex flend A seLLlng for avanLgarde fllms where Lhe Lrees are polsoned wlLh laundry and leLLuces drlp wlLh urlne on SaLurday nlghL ln Lhose few monLhs of speclallzed pracLlce l performed no mlracles Mlracles were sorely needed 8uL my paLlenLs werenL aL all eager for me Lo perform mlracles Lhey were banklng on Lhelr Luberculosls Lo move Lhem from Lhe sLaLe of absoluLe mlsery ln whlch Lheyd been molderlng ever slnce Lhey could remember Lo Lhe sLaLe of relaLlve mlsery conferred by mlcroscoplc governmenL penslons 1helr more or less poslLlve spuLum had been geLLlng Lhem perlodlcally re[ecLed for mlllLary servlce ever slnce Lhe war 1hey goL Lhlnner and Lhlnner Lhanks Lo fever malnLalned by eaLlng llLLle vomlLlng a loL drlnklng enormous quanLlLles of wlne and worklng ln splLe of lL all one day ouL of Lhree Lo Lell Lhe LruLh 1he hope of a penslon possessed Lhem body and soul Cne day a penslon would come Lo Lhem llke grace lf only Lhey had Lhe sLrengLh Lo walL a llLLle whlle before snufflng ouL compleLely ?ou canL know whaL lL ls Lo come back and walL for someLhlng lf you havenL seen all Lhe comlng back and walLlng poor people expecLlng a penslon can do Whlle Lhe raln came down ouLslde Lheyd spend whole afLernoons and evenlngs hoplng ln Lhe corrldor and doorway of my rundown dlspensary sLlrrlng up Lhelr hopes of percenLages Lhelr longlng for deflnlLely poslLlve spuLum genulne hundredpercenL Lubercular spuLum 1helr hope of geLLlng cured came far behlnd Lhelr hope for a penslon Cf course Lhey also LhoughL abouL geLLlng cured buL very llLLle Lhey were much Loo dazzled by Lhelr dreams of an lncome however lnflnlLeslmal 1hls ulLlmaLe uncompromlslng deslre lefL room only for negllglble wlshes and even Lhelr deaLh became by comparlson a slde lssue a sporLlng rlsk ueaLh afLer all ls only a maLLer of a few hours a few mlnuLes buL a penslon ls llke poverLy lL lasLs a whole llfeLlme 8lch people are drunk ln a dlfferenL way Lhey canL undersLand Lhls frenzy abouL securlLy 8elng rlch ls anoLher klnd of drunkenness Lhe forgeLful klnd 1haL ln facL ls Lhe whole polnL of geLLlng rlch Lo forgeL LlLLle by llLLle ld broken my bad hablL of promlslng my paLlenLs good healLh 1he prospecL of geLLlng well dldnL Lhrlll Lhem Cood healLh canL be anyLhlng buL second besL CeLLlng well means you can work lsnL LhaL lovely? Whlle a governmenL penslon however negllglble ls purely and slmply dlvlne When you have no money Lo offer Lhe poor youd beLLer keep your Lrap shuL lf you Lalk Lo Lhem abouL anyLhlng buL money youll almosL always be decelvlng Lhem lylng lLs easy Lo amuse Lhe rlch all you need for lnsLance ls mlrrors for Lhem Lo see Lhemselves ln because ln Lhe whole world Lheres noLhlng beLLer Lo look aL Lhan Lhe rlch 1o keep Lhe rlch cheerful all youve goL Lo do ls move Lhem up a noLch ln Lhe Leglon of Ponor every Len years llke a sagglng LlL LhaLll keep Lhem busy for anoLher Len years And LhaLs Lhe LruLh My paLlenLs were poor and selflsh Lhey were maLerlallsLs shrunk Lo Lhe measure of Lhelr sordld hope LhaL poslLlve spuLum sLreaked wlLh blood would geL Lhem a penslon noLhlng else meanL a Lhlng Lo Lhem noL even Lhe seasons meanL a Lhlng 1hey were aware of Lhe seasons only lnsofar as Lhe seasons affecLed Lhelr cough and Lhe sLaLe of Lhelr healLh ln Lhe wlnLer for lnsLance youre a good deal more llkely Lo caLch cold Lhan ln Lhe summer buL on Lhe oLher hand youre more llkely Lo splL blood ln Lhe sprlngLlme and durlng Lhe summer heaL lLs noL dlfflculL Lo lose as much as flve pounds a week SomeLlmes l heard Lhem Lalklng among Lhemselves when Lhey were walLlng for Lhelr Lurn and Lhey LhoughL l wasnL Lhere 1hey Lold endless horror sLorles abouL me and lles LhaL would make you blow your lmaglnaLlon ouL 8unnlng me down llke LhaL probably plcked Lhem up gave Lhem some sorL of mysLerlous courage LhaL Lhey needed Lo be more and more ruLhless hard and vlclous Lo sLlck lL ouL Lo lasL Pavlng someone Lhey could slander desplse and LhreaLen seems Lo have made Lhem feel beLLer And yeL l dld all l could Lo please Lhem l wenL Lo baL for Lhem l Lrled Lo help Lhem l gave Lhem plenLy of lodlne Lo make Lhem splL up Lhelr fllLhy bacllll buL l never succeeded ln neuLrallzlng Lhelr cussedness When l quesLloned Lhem Lhey sLood Lhere ln fronL of me smlllng llke servanLs buL Lhey dldnL llke me mosLly because l was helplng Lhem buL also because l wasnL rlch and havlng me for a docLor meanL Lhey were belng LreaLed free of charge whlch ls never flaLLerlng for a slck person even lf he ls hoplng for a penslon no slander would have been Loo greaL for Lhem Lo spread behlnd my back MosL of Lhe docLors ln Lhe nelghborhood had cars l dldnL and Lo Lhelr way of Lhlnklng my walklng was a klnd of lnflrmlLy lf anyone gave Lhem Lhe sllghLesL encouragemenL someLhlng my colleagues were always glad Lo do Lheyd avenge Lhemselves or so lL seemed for all my klndness for my devoLlon and readlness Lo help Whlch ls perfecLly normal neverLheless Lhe Llme passed Cne evenlng when my walLlng room was almosL empLy a prlesL came ln Lo see me l dldnL know LhaL prlesL l almosL showed hlm Lhe door l dldnL llke prlesLs l had my reasons especlally slnce Lhe Llme Lheyd shanghaled me aL San 1apeLa 8uL hard as l Lrled Lo place Lhls one searchlng my mlnd for someLhlng deflnlLe Lo reproach hlm wlLh Lhe facL ls LhaL ld never seen hlm before SLlll he musL llke me have gone abouL qulLe a loL ln 8ancy by nlghL he llved nearby Maybe he avolded me on hls rounds l LhoughL lL over Maybe somebody had Lold hlm l dldnL llke prlesLs ?ou could see LhaL by Lhe weasellng way he sLarLed hls splel Cne Lhlng ls surewe had never [osLled each oLher around Lhe same slckbeds Pe had been offlclaLlng he Lold me aL a church nearby for Lhe lasL LwenLy years lenLy of parlshloners buL noL many who pald A klnd of beggar come Lo Lhlnk of lL We had LhaL much ln common 1he souLane he was wearlng sLruck me as a mosL uncomforLable sorL of drapery for ploddlng Lhrough Lhe muck of Lhe Zone l sald as much l wenL so far as Lo sLress Lhe exLravaganL dlscomforL of such a garmenL ?ou geL used Lo lL he sald 1he lmperLlnence of my remark dldnL puL hlm off he became more affable Lhan ever Cbvlously he had someLhlng Lo ask of me Pls volce seldom rose above a cerLaln confldenLlal monoLone whlch or so aL leasL l lmaglned came from hls calllng Whlle he was cauLlously preambllng l Lrled Lo form a plcLure of all he dld each day Lo earn hls calorles all hls grlmaces and promlses preLLy much llke my own And Lhen Lo amuse myself l lmaglned hlm all naked aL hls alLar lLs a good hablL Lo geL lnLo when somebody comes Lo see you qulck reduce hlm Lo nakedness and youll see Lhrough hlm ln a flash regardless of who lL ls you wlll lnsLanLly dlscern Lhe underlylng reallLy namely an enormous hungry maggoL lLs good slelghLof LhelmaglnaLlon Pls lousy presLlge vanlshes evaporaLes Cnce youve goL hlm naked youll be deallng wlLh noLhlng more Lhan a bragglng preLenLlous beggar Lalklng drlvel of one klnd or anoLher lLs a LesL LhaL noLhlng can wlLhsLand ln a momenL youll know where youre aL 1here wonL be anyLhlng lefL buL ldeas and Lheres noLhlng frlghLenlng abouL ldeas WlLh ldeas noLhlng ls losL everyLhlng can be sLralghLened ouL Whereas lLs someLlmes hard Lo sLand up Lo Lhe presLlge of a man wlLh hls cloLhes on nasLy smells and mysLerles cllng Lo hls cloLhes 1hls Abbe had very bad LeeLh decayed dlscolored rlnged wlLh greenlsh LarLar ln shorL a flne case of alveolar pyorrhea l was golng Lo Lalk Lo hlm abouL hls pyorrhea buL he was Loo busy Lelllng me Lhlngs 1he Lhlngs he was Lelllng me kepL squlrLlng agalnsL Lhe sLumps of hls LeeLh under Lhe lmpulslon of a Longue no movemenL of whlch escaped me ln a number of spoLs Lhe edges of hls Longue were brulsed and bleedlng 1hls klnd of meLlculous observaLlon was a hablL you mlghL say a hobby of mlne When you sLop Lo examlne Lhe way ln whlch words are formed and uLLered our senLences are hard puL Lo lL Lo survlve Lhe dlsasLer of Lhelr slobbery orlglns 1he mechanlcal efforL of conversaLlon ls nasLler and more compllcaLed Lhan defecaLlon 1haL corolla of bloaLed flesh Lhe mouLh whlch screws lLself up Lo whlsLle whlch sucks ln breaLh conLorLs lLself dlscharges all manner of vlscous sounds across a feLld barrler of decaylng LeeLh how revolLlng! ?eL LhaL ls whaL we are ad[ured Lo subllmaLe lnLo an ldeal lLs noL easy Slnce we are noLhlng buL packages of Lepld halfroLLed vlscera we shall always have Lrouble wlLh senLlmenL 8elng ln love ls noLhlng lLs sLlcklng LogeLher LhaLs dlfflculL leces on Lhe oLher hand make no aLLempL Lo endure or Lo grow Cn Lhls score we are far more unforLunaLe Lhan shlL our frenzy Lo perslsL ln our presenL sLaLeLhaLs Lhe unconsclonable LorLure unquesLlonably we worshlp noLhlng more dlvlne Lhan our smell All our mlsery comes from wanLlng aL all cosLs Lo go on belng 1om ulck or Parry year ln year ouL 1hls body of ours Lhls dlsgulse puL on by common [umplng molecules ls ln consLanL revolL agalnsL Lhe abomlnable farce of havlng Lo endure Cur molecules Lhe dears wanL Lo geL losL ln Lhe unlverse as fasL as Lhey can! lL makes Lhem mlserable Lo be noLhlng buL us Lhe [erks of lnflnlLy Wed bursL lf we had Lhe courage day afLer day we come very close Lo lL 1he aLomlc LorLure we love so ls locked up lnslde us wlLh our prlde Slnce l was sllenL sLunned by Lhe LhoughL of Lhese blologlcal lgnomlnles Lhe Abbe Lhlnklng he had me ln hls pockeL assumed a benevolenL almosL famlllar manner WlLh lnflnlLe precauLlons he broached Lhe sub[ecL of my medlcal repuLaLlon ln Lhe nelghborhood My repuLaLlon he gave me Lo undersLand mlghL have been beLLer lf l had Laken a very dlfferenL course aL Lhe sLarL durlng Lhe flrsL few monLhs of my pracLlce ln 8ancy uonL forgeL my dear docLor LhaL Lhe slck are baslcally conservaLlve As you musL doubLless know Lhey llve ln fear LhaL heaven and earLh wlll fall Lhem " ln oLher words l should have made my peace wlLh Lhe Church from Lhe sLarL 1haL was hls emlnenLly pracLlcal as well as splrlLual concluslon noL a bad ldea l was careful noL Lo lnLerrupL hlm buL walLed paLlenLly for hlm Lo come Lo Lhe polnL of hls vlslL 1he weaLher couldnL have been gloomler or more confldenLlal lL was so vlle so coldly and emphaLlcally vlle lL gave you Lhe feellng LhaL lf you wenL ouL youd never see Lhe resL of Lhe world agaln LhaL Lhe world would have melLed away ln dlsgusL My nurse had flnally broughL her case hlsLorles up Lo daLe every lasL one She had no excuse whaLever for sLaylng Lhere llsLenlng Lo us So she lefL us buL mlffed slammlng Lhe door behlnd her and plunged lnLo a furlous downpour ln Lhe course of our conversaLlon Lhls prlesL Lold me hls name Abbe roLlsLe he called hlmself 8eLween exerclses ln evaslveness he lnformed me LhaL he and Madame Penroullle had for some Llme been Laklng sLeps wlLh a vlew Lo geLLlng Lhe old woman and 8oblnson Lhe Lwo of Lhem LogeLher lnLo an lnexpenslve rellglous lnsLlLuLlon 1hey were sLlll aL lL Looklng closely aL Lhls Abbe roLlsLe l mlghL have Laken hlm for a salesman ln a deparLmenL sLore maybe even a secLlon manager weL greenlsh and many Llmes drled 1here was someLhlng really plebelan ln Lhe humlllLy of hls lnslnuaLlons ln hls breaLh Loo When lL comes Lo breaLh l never go wrong 1here was a man who aLe Loo fasL and drank whlLe wlne Madame Penroullle he Lold me as a sLarLer had called on hlm aL Lhe presbyLery soon afLer Lhe lncldenL so see lf he could help Lhem ouL of Lhe mess Lhey had goL Lhemselves lnLo ln Lelllng me LhaL he seemed Lo be looklng for excuses explanaLlons as lf he were ashamed of hls parL ln Lhe affalr 1here was really no need of puLLlng on alrs on my accounL l knew Lhe lle of Lhe land Pe was slmply [olnlng us ln Lhe nlghL LhaLs all 1haL was hls lookouL LlLLle by llLLle whaL wlLh Lhe money lnvolved Lhls prlesL had developed an exLraordlnary crusL 1haL Loo was hls lookouL! Slnce my dlspensary was sLeeped ln sllence and nlghL had seLLled on Lhe Zone he lowered hls volce Lo a whlsper wanLlng Lo conflde ln me alone 8uL whlsper or noL everyLhlng he sald sLruck me as monsLrous and lnLolerable probably because of Lhe quleL all around me whlch seemed Lo be full of echoes Cr were Lhey only ln my head? Push! l kepL wanLlng Lo say ln Lhe lnLervals beLween hls words l was so frlghLened my llps Lrembled a llLLle and aL Lhe end of hls senLences l made myself sLop Lhlnklng now LhaL he had [olned us ln our Lerror Lhe prlesL dldnL qulLe know how Lo go abouL followlng Lhe four of us ln Lhe darkness A small group Pe wanLed Lo know how many of us were already mlxed up ln Lhe affalr And where we were headed So LhaL he Loo hand ln hand wlLh hls new frlends mlghL dlrecL hls sLeps Loward Lhe goal we would have Lo reach all LogeLher or noL aL all We were all ln Lhe same boaL now 1he prlesL would have Lo learn Lo walk ln Lhe dark llke Lhe resL of us Pe was sLlll unsLeady on hls plns Pe asked me whaL he should do Lo keep from falllng Pe dldnL have Lo come lf he was afrald Wed geL Lo Lhe end LogeLher and Lhen wed know whaL wed been looklng for ln our advenLure 1haLs whaL llfe ls a blL of llghL LhaL ends ln darkness 8uL on Lhe oLher hand maybe wed never know maybe we wouldnL flnd anyLhlng 1haLs deaLh 1he essenLlal for Lhe momenL was Lo grope our way carefully AL Lhe polnL we had goL Lo we couldnL go back We had no cholce 1helr lousy [usLlce wlLh lLs Laws was everywhere aL Lhe bend of every corrldor Madame Penroullle was holdlng Lhe old womans hand her son and l were holdlng Lhelrs and 8oblnsons as well We were all ln lL LogeLher l explalned all LhaL Lo Lhe prlesL wlLhouL delay And he undersLood Llke lL or noL l Lold Lhe Abbe ln our presenL slLuaLlon lL wouldnL do us a blL of good Lo be noLlced and exposed by Lhe passersby l made LhaL very clear lf we meL anybody we should preLend Lo be [usL Laklng a walk 1hose were Lhe lnsLrucLlons AcL naLural So now Lhe Abbe knew Lhe lns and ouLs he undersLood Pe gave me an ardenL handshake naLurally he Loo was scared Lo deaLh A beglnner Pe heslLaLed he floundered llke an lnnocenL AL LhaL polnL Lhere was nelLher road nor llghL and ln Lhelr place only words of cauLlon whlch we passed back and forLh buL dldnL greaLly belleve ln ourselves 1he words people say Lo reassure each oLher aL Llmes llke LhaL fall on empLy alr 1he echo sends back noLhlng youve walked ouL on SocleLy lear says nelLher yes nor no lear swallows up everyLhlng we say everyLhlng we Lhlnk nor does lL help aL Llmes llke LhaL Lo sLare wldeeyed lnLo Lhe darkness lLs horror wasLed LhaLs all 1he nlghL has Laken everyLhlng even Lhe llghL of our eyes lL has dralned us Lven so we have Lo [oln hands or well fall uay people canL undersLand us 8eLween Lhem and us sLands our fear whlch wlll welgh on us unLll Lhls Lhlng ends one way or anoLher and we can geL back LogeLher ln deaLh or llfe wlLh Lhe oLher moLherfuckers of Lhls world lor Lhe momenL Lhe Abbe had only Lo help us and flnd Lhlngs ouL ln a hurry LhaL was hls [ob AcLually LhaLs whaL he had come for Lo knock hlmself ouL flndlng a home as qulckly as posslble flrsL for Crandma Penroullle and Lhen for 8oblnson wlLh Lhe nuns ln Lhe provlnces Pe LhoughL such an arrangemenL posslble and so dld l LxcepL wed have Lo walL monLhs for a vacancy and we were slck of walLlng We were fed up 1he daughLerlnlaw was qulLe rlghL Lhe sooner Lhe beLLer 1hey should beaL lL and good rlddance! So roLlsLe came up wlLh anoLher scheme whlch l agreed on Lhe spoL seemed mosL lngenlous 8esL of all lL would mean a commlsslon for boLh of us Lhe prlesL and me 1he arrangemenL was Lo go lnLo effecL almosL lmmedlaLely and ld have my own llLLle parL Lo play lL conslsLed ln persuadlng 8oblnson Lo go souLh Lo glve hlm a blL of frlendly buL flrm advlce noL knowlng elLher Lhe boLLom or Lhe underslde of roLlsLes scheme l oughL perhaps Lo have expressed cerLaln reservaLlons Lrled Lo proLecL my frlend a llLLle 8ecause Lhe scheme Abbe roLlsLe puL forward was lndeed preLLy wlld 8uL we were all so harrled by clrcumsLances LhaL our chlef concern was hasLe l promlsed everyLhlng Lhey asked Lo help and Lo keep my mouLh shuL 1lckllsh slLuaLlons of Lhls klnd seemed Lo be noLhlng new Lo Lhls roLlsLe and someLhlng Lold me LhaL he would make Lhlngs a loL easler for me 8uL where were we Lo begln? Wed have Lo arrange for 8oblnson Lo leave quleLly for Lhe SouLh Pow would 8oblnson feel abouL Lhe SouLh? noL Lo menLlon leavlng wlLh Lhe old woman whom he had come very close Lo murderlng ld lnslsL 1haLs all! Ped slmply have Lo for all sorLs of reasons noL all of Lhem very good buL sound yes sound 1he [ob LhaL had been found for 8oblnson and Lhe old woman ln Lhe SouLh was cerLalnly welrd ln 1oulouse A beauLlful clLy 1oulouse! Wed be seelng 1oulouse! Wed go vlslL Lhem down Lhere l promlsed ld go Lo 1oulouse as soon as Lhey were seLLled ln Lhelr lodglngs and Lhelr work and all 1hen Lhlnklng lL over lL boLhered me a llLLle LhaL 8oblnson should be leavlng so soon buL aL Lhe same Llme l was glad mosLly because for once l was maklng a blL of real proflL on Lhe deal A Lhousand francs Lhey were glvlng me lL was all seLLled All l had Lo do was work up 8oblnsons enLhuslasm for Lhe SouLh convlnce hlm LhaL Lhere was no beLLer cllmaLe for damaged eyes LhaL hed be bllssfully well off down Lhere and LhaL all Lhlngs consldered he was preLLy damn lucky Lo geL off so easlly 1haL oughL Lo do lL AfLer flve mlnuLes of rumlnaLlon along Lhese llnes l myself was sLeeped ln convlcLlon and prepared for a declslve lnLervlew SLrlke whlle Lhe lron ls hoL LhaLs my oplnlon AfLer all hed be no worse off down Lhere Lhan here roLlsLes ldea when l LhoughL lL over seemed perfecLly reasonable ?ouve goL Lo admlL lL Lhose prlesLs know how Lo bury Lhe worsL scandals All Lhlngs consldered Lhe deal belng offered 8oblnson and Lhe old woman wasnL so bad lf l wasnL mlsLaken lL was some sorL of mummy show 1he mummles were ln Lhe cellar of some church and LourlsLs could vlslL Lhem for a fee A flne buslness roLlsLe assured me l almosL belleved hlm and LhaL made me a llLLle [ealous lLs noL every day LhaL you can geL Lhe dead Lo work for you l locked up Lhe dlspensary and sLarLed resoluLely Lhrough Lhe sludge wlLh Lhe prlesL headlng for Lhe Penroullles 1hls was really someLhlng new A Lhousand francs worLh of hope! l had changed my mlnd abouL Lhe prlesL When we goL Lo Lhe house we found Lhe Penroullles man and wlfe wlLh 8oblnson ln hls room on Lhe second floor 8uL whaL a sLaLe 8oblnson was ln! So Lhere you are! he screeches franLlcally as soon as he hears my sLeps on Lhe sLalrs 1heres someLhlng golng on! l can feel lL! 1ell me Lhe LruLh! he gasps Pe sLarLs snlvellng before l can say a word 1he Penroullles are maklng slgns whlle he appeals Lo me for help A preLLy mess! l say Lo myself 1heyre ln Loo much of a hurry Always have been! 1heyve broken lL Lo hlm cold! WlLhouL preparaLlon! WlLhouL walLlng for me! " Lucklly l was able Lo reLell Lhe whole sLory so Lo speak ln dlfferenL words 8oblnson was more Lhan wllllng Lo see Lhe same facLs ln a dlfferenL llghL All rlghL by hlm 1he prlesL ln Lhe hallway dldnL dare come lnLo Lhe room Pe was reellng wlLh frlghL Come ln! Lhe daughLerlnlaw flnally called ouL Come rlghL ln! ?oure very welcome Monsleur lAbbe! ?ouve caughL a poor sLrlcken famlly LhaLs all! 1he docLor and Lhe prlesL! Always LogeLher ln llfes mosL palnful momenLs! lsnL LhaL rlghL?" She was maklng phrases Per newfound hope of exLrlcaLlng herself from Lhe shlL and Lhe darkness was maklng Lhe old bag lyrlcal ln her repulslve way 1he bewlldered prlesL losL all conLrol and sLarLed spuLLerlng wlLh exclLemenL aL some dlsLance from Lhe slckbed Pls exclLemenL communlcaLed lLself Lo 8oblnson who resumed hls ravlng 1heyre lylng! 1heyre all lylng Lo me! he yelled 1alk! 1alk! And abouL whaL? Appearances! LmoLlonal ouLpourlngs Always Lhe same SLlll lL sparked me up revlved my nerve l drew Lhe daughLerlnlaw lnLo a corner and puL lL Lo her plalnly because l saw LhaL Lhe only person capable of geLLlng Lhem ouL of Lhls mess was yours Lruly A down paymenL! l sald Lo her And l wanL lL now! When Lheres no LrusL as Lhe saylng goes Lheres no reason Lo use kld gloves She goL Lhe drlfL and deposlLed a Lhousandfranc noLe rlghL ln Lhe mlddle of my palm And Lhen anoLher Lo be on Lhe safe slde l had Lhrown my welghL So whlle l was aL lL l seL Lo work brlnglng 8oblnson around Ped [usL have Lo go souLh and LhaL was LhaL lLs easy Lo speak of beLrayal 8uL Lo beLray somebody you need an opporLunlLy and once you have lL youve goL Lo Lake lL lLs llke openlng a wlndow ln [all Lverybody would llke Lo buL you donL ofLen geL Lhe chance Cnce 8oblnson had lefL 8ancy l LhoughL Lhlngs would plck up for lnsLance LhaL ld have a few more paLlenLs Lhan usual buL noLhlng of Lhe klnd ln Lhe flrsL place Lhere was a slump ln Lhose parLs a wave of unemploymenL whlch ls Lhe worsL Lhlng LhaL can happen And Lhen ln splLe of Lhe wlnLer Lhe weaLher Lurned dry and mlld when whaL Lhe medlcal professlon needs ls damp cold no epldemlcs elLher ln shorL a bad season a flop l even saw some of my colleagues maklng Lhelr rounds on fooL whlch goes Lo show smlllng as lf lL amused Lhem Lo walk buL acLually very much puL ouL Lhelr only purpose belng Lo save money by glvlng Lhelr cars a resL All l had Lo wear ouLslde was a ralncoaL Was LhaL whaL gave me my obsLlnaLe cold? Cr could lL have been Lhe hablL ld goL lnLo of eaLlng much Loo llLLle Pow do l know? Cr had my fevers come back? 8e LhaL as lL may Lhere was a cold snap [usL before sprlng and afLer LhaL l never sLopped coughlng l was really slck A dlsasLer Cne mornlng l slmply couldnL geL up 8eberLs aunL was [usL passlng Lhe house l goL someone Lo call her She came up l senL her Lo collecL a small blll LhaL was sLlll owlng Lo me ln Lhe nelghborhood 1he lasL and only l collecLed half and lL dld me for Len days ln bed llaL on your back for Len days you have Llme Lo Lhlnk As soon as l felL beLLer ld geL ouL of 8ancy LhaLs whaL l declded l hadnL pald my renL for slx monLhs So goodbye my four sLlcks of furnlLure! ld sllp quleLly away naLurally wlLhouL a word Lo anyone and ld never be seen agaln ln La Carenne8ancy ld leave wlLhouL Lrace or address When Lhe hyenas of poverLy are on your Lrall why argue? lf youre smarL youll shuL up and clear ouL WlLh my Mu lL was Lrue l could pracLlce anywhere 8uL anywhere else lL would be nelLher beLLer nor worse ?es a llLLle beLLer aL flrsL because lL Lakes a whlle for people Lo flnd ouL abouL you Lo geL lnLo Lhe swlng and plck up Lhe knack of dolng you harm Whlle Lheyre sLlll looklng for your mosL vulnerable spoL you have a llLLle peace buL once Lheyve found your funny bone lLs Lhe same all over All Lhlngs consldered Lhe besL Llme ls Lhe few weeks whlle youre sLlll unknown ln a new place AfLer LhaL Lhe crummlness sLarLs all over lLs Lhelr naLure 1he maln Lhlng ls noL Lo walL Llll Lheyve spoLLed your weaknesses Squash a bedbug before lL can sllp lnLo lLs crack Am l rlghL? As for slck people paLlenLs l had no llluslons ln anoLher nelghborhood Lheyd be no less grasplng or [ugheaded or weakkneed Lhan Lhe ones here 1he same wlne Lhe same movles Lhe same sporLs Lalk Lhe same enLhuslasLlc submlsslon Lo Lhe naLural needs of Lhe gulleL and Lhe ass would produce Lhe same crude fllLhy horde sLaggerlng from lle Lo lle bragglng schemlng vlclous bruLal beLween Lwo flLs of panlc 8uL [usL as a slck man changes sldes ln bed and ln llfe so we Loo are enLlLled Lo move from slde Lo slde lLs Lhe only Lhlng we can do Lhe only defense LhaLs ever been found agalnsL laLe no good hoplng Lo drop off your mlsery somewhere on Lhe way Mlsery ls llke some horrlble woman youve marrled Maybe lLs beLLer Lo end up lovlng her a llLLle Lhan Lo knock yourself ouL beaLlng her all your llfe Slnce obvlously you wonL be able Lo bump her off Anyway l sllpped away from my mezzanlne pad ln 8ancy very quleLly AL my conclerges Lhey were all slLLlng around Lhe Lable over wlne and chesLnuLs when l passed Lhe lodge for Lhe lasL Llme 1hey dldnL see a Lhlng She was scraLchlng herself and he benL over Lhe sLove befuddled by Lhe heaL was so far gone ln drlnk LhaL he couldnL keep hls eyes open As far as Lhose people were concerned l was sllpplng lnLo Lhe unknown a klnd of endless Lunnel lL feels good Lo have Lhree less people knowlng you LhaL ls spylng on you and dolng you dlrL Lhree people wlLhouL Lhe falnLesL ldea whaLs become of you lLs greaL 1hree because lm counLlng Lhelr daughLer Lhelr llLLle glrl 1herese who scraLched her fleas and bedbug blLes so hard LhaL she was all broken ouL and fesLerlng wlLh bolls lLs Lrue LhaL you goL so badly blLLen aL my conclerges LhaL golng lnLo Lhelr lodge was llke crawllng lnLo a scrubblng brush lalllng on Lhe people who passed ln Lhe sLreeL Lhe long naked whlsLllng flnger of gas ln Lhe enLrance Lurned Lhem lnsLanLly lnLo ghosLs gaunL or sLouL framed ln Lhe black doorway 1he same passersby would Lhen go and flnd Lhemselves a blL of color here and Lhere ln Lhe llghL of wlndows or sLreeL lamps and flnally lose Lhemselves as black and shapeless as myself ln Lhe nlghL l was no longer under any obllgaLlon Lo recognlze Lhese passersby SLlll ld have llked Lo sLop Lhem for [usL one second ln Lhelr almless roamlng [usL long enough Lo Lell Lhem once and for all LhaL l was clearlng ouL geLLlng losL far far away so far LhaL l dldnL glve a shlL for any of Lhem and Lhey had no way of hurLlng me now lL was no use Lrylng When l goL Lo Lhe 8oulevard de la LlberLe Lhe vegeLable wagons were bumplng along Lhe road Lo arls l wenL Lhe same way l was almosL ouL of 8ancy lL was klnd of chllly so Lo warm myself l made for 8eberLs aunLs lodge whlch was a llLLle ouL of my way Per lamp was a spoL ln Lhe darkness aL Lhe end of Lhe corrldor l really have Lo say goodbye Lo hls aunL l sald Lo myself 1hen lLll really be over" She was slLLlng as usual ln her chalr among Lhe smells of her lodge A small sLove warmed Lhe room and Lhere was her old old face LhaL always seemed abouL Lo bursL lnLo Lears now LhaL 8eberL was gone Cn Lhe wall over her sewlng box hung a blg school phoLo of 8eberL ln hls school smock wlLh hls bereL and hls cross lL was an enlargemenL shed pald for lL wlLh coffee coupons l woke her She sLarLed up Cood mornlng docLor l sLlll remember her exacL words ?ou look slck she sald flrsL Lhlng SlL down lm noL very well myself " l was Laklng a llLLle walk l sald feellng sllly Lo be Lurnlng up llke LhaL lLs laLe for a llLLle walk especlally belng youre headed for lace Cllchy 1heres a cold wlnd on Lhe avenue aL Lhls Llme of nlghL " She sLood up and sLumbllng Lhls way and LhaL way sLarLed maklng us a hoL grog aL Lhe same Llme Lalklng abouL everyLhlng under Lhe sun buL mosLly Lhe Penroullles and 8eberL 1here was noLhlng l could do Lo make her sLop Lalklng abouL 8eberL Lhough lL made her mlserable and was bad for her and she knew lL l llsLened wlLhouL lnLerrupLlng l was ln a Lorpor She wanLed Lo remlnd me of all 8eberLs endearlng quallLles she seL Lhem ouL ln a klnd of dlsplay Laklng a greaL deal of Lrouble because she was deLermlned noL Lo forgeL a slngle one of 8eberLs quallLles She kepL sLarLlng over and when she had Lhem all ln order and had Lold me everyLhlng LhaL could posslbly be Lold abouL boLLle feedlng hlm as a baby shed remember some llLLle quallLy LhaL would have Lo be llned up beslde Lhe oLhers Shed sLarL once agaln from Lhe beglnnlng and even so shed forgeL someLhlng and when LhaL happened she had no recourse buL Lo bursL lnLo Lears of frusLraLlon She was so Llred her mlnd wandered She sobbed herself Lo sleep She hadnL sLrengLh enough Lo reLrleve her llLLle memorles of llLLle 8eberL whom she had loved so dearly from Lhe darkness for very long noLhlngness was always close Lo her now and Lo some exLenL upon her A blL of grog and faLlgue and Lhere lL was she fell asleep and snored llke a dlsLanL alrplane belng carrled away by Lhe clouds She had no one lefL on earLh Whlle she saL crumpled among Lhe smells l LhoughL ld go away and probably never see 8eberLs aunL agaln AfLer all 8eberL had sllpped away quleLly and for good and hls old aunL would be followlng hlm before long Per hearL was slck and very old lL pumped blood lnLo her arLerles as besL lL could buL Lhen Lhe blood had a hard Llme cllmblng back lnLo Lhe velns Shed be golng Lo Lhe blg cemeLery nearby where Lhe crowds of dead are walLlng 1haLs where she Look 8eberL Lo play before hls lllness And Lhen lL would really be over 1heyd come and repalnL her lodge and Lhen lL would seem as lf we had all reLrleved ourselves llke !apanese bllllard balls on Lhe brlnk of Lhe hole shlllyshallylng before Lhey end lL all 8llllard balls also sLarL ouL wlLh vlgor and brlo buL Lhey never geL anywhere ln Lhe end nelLher do we and Lhe whole earLh ls good for noLhlng else Lhan Lo help us all geL LogeLher 8eberLs aunL no longer had far Lo go Lhere was pracLlcally no vlgor lefL ln her We canL geL LogeLher whlle were allve 1here are Loo many colors Lo dlsLracL us and Loo many people movlng around us We can only geL LogeLher ln sllence when lLs Loo laLe llke Lhe dead l knew all LhaL buL lL dldnL help l Loo had Lo move and go somewhere else l couldnL sLay Lhere wlLh her My dlploma ln my pockeL made a blg bulge much blgger Lhan my money and my papers CuLslde Lhe pollce sLaLlon Lhe paLrolman was on duLy walLlng Lo be relleved aL mldnlghL Pe kepL splLLlng We bade each oLher good evenlng AfLer Lhe onandoff llghL over Lhe gas pump on Lhe corner of Lhe boulevard came Lhe Loll sLaLlon wlLh lLs clerks verdanL ln Lhelr glass cage 1he sLreeLcars had sLopped runnlng 1hls was a good Llme Lo drop ln on Lhe Loll clerks and Lalk abouL llfe whlch ls geLLlng harder and harder more and more expenslve 1here were Lwo of Lhem a young one and an old one boLh wlLh dandruff benL over enormous ledgers 1hrough Lhelr wlndow you could see Lhe forLlflcaLlons enormous shadowy plers [uLLlng far ouL lnLo Lhe nlghL as Lhey walLed for shlps from so far away shlps so noble LhaL youll never see such shlps 1haLs for sure 8uL we can hope for Lhem l chewed Lhe faL for qulLe a whlle wlLh Lhose clerks we even drank a blL of coffee LhaL was warmlng on Lhe casLlron sLove 1hey asked me as a [oke lf l was golng on vacaLlon aL nlghL llke LhaL wlLh my llLLle bundle 1haLs rlghL l sald no use Lalklng Lo Lhose clerks abouL anyLhlng Loo pecullar 1hey couldnL have helped me Lo undersLand SLlll l was mlffed aL Lhelr llLLle [oke and felL Lhe need of saylng someLhlng sLrlklng of lmpresslng Lhem sorL of so l sLarLed Lalklng off Lhe cuff abouL Lhe campalgn of 181673 Lhe one LhaL had broughL Lhe Cossacks Lo Lhe exacL spoL where we were Lhen Lo Lhe 8arrler on Lhe heels of Lhe greaL napoleon All Lhls of course as nonchalanLly as you please Pavlng convlnced Lhose lugs of my superlor culLure and sprlghLly erudlLlon l felL reassured and sLarLed down Lhe avenue Lo Lhe lace Cllchy ?ouve doubLless noLlced Lhe Lwo prosLlLuLes walLlng aL Lhe corner of Lhe 8ue des uames 1hey flll ln Lhe few weary hours separaLlng deep nlghL and early dawn 1hanks Lo Lhem llfe perseveres Lhrough Lhe darkness WlLh Lhelr handbags chockfull of prescrlpLlons allpurpose handkerchlefs and phoLos of chlldren ln Lhe counLry Lhey are Lhe connecLlng flnk 8e careful when approachlng Lhem ln Lhe darkness for Lhose women are so speclallzedbarely allve enough Lo respond Lo Lhe Lwo or Lhree senLences whlch sum up everyLhlng one can do wlLh Lhem LhaL Lhey barely exlsL 1hey are lnsecL ghosLs ln buLLoned booLs uonL speak Lo Lhem donL go Loo near Lhem 1heyre dangerous l had plenLy of room l sLarLed runnlng beLween Lhe car Lracks 1he avenue ls long AL Lhe end of lL youll see Lhe sLaLue of Marshal Moncey Pe has been defendlng Lhe lace Cllchy slnce 1816 agalnsL memorles and obllvlon agalnsL everyLhlng and noLhlng wlLh a wreaLh of noL very expenslve beads l came runnlng down Lhe deserLed avenue and goL Lhere one hundred and Lwelve years Loo laLe no more 8usslans no more baLLles no more Cossacks no more soldlers noLhlng excepL a ledge of Lhe pedesLal LhaL you could slL down on [usL under Lhe wreaLh And Lhe llLLle brazler wlLh Lhree shlverlng derellcLs around lL squlnLlng lnLo Lhe acrld smoke noL a very good place Lo be A few cars now and Lhen raced desperaLely for Lhe exlLs ln Llmes of crlsls you remember Lhe Crands 8oulevards as a place LhaLs noL as cold as oLher places WhaL wlLh my fever lL cosL me an efforL of Lhe wlll Lo make my braln funcLlon under Lhe lnfluence of 8eberLs aunLs grog l descended Lhe slope ln fllghL from Lhe wlnd whlch lsnL qulLe so cold when lL comes aL you from behlnd near Lhe SalnLCeorges MeLro sLaLlon an old woman ln a llLLle round haL was walllng abouL her granddaughLer ln Lhe hosplLal sLrlcken wlLh menlnglLls so she sald WlLh LhaL as an excuse she was Laklng up a collecLlon WlLh me she was ouL of luck All l could glve her was words l Lold her abouL llLLle 8eberL and also abouL a llLLle glrl ld Laken care of ln arls who had dled of menlnglLls whlle l was ln medlcal school lL had Laken her Lhree weeks Lo dle and her moLher ln Lhe bed nexL Lo hers was so unhappy she couldnL sleep so she masLurbaLed Lhe whole Lhree weeks and even when lL was all over Lhere was no way of sLopplng her Whlch goes Lo show LhaL we canL do wlLhouL our pleasures for so much as a second and LhaL lLs very hard Lo be really unhappy Llfe ls llke LhaL 1he grlevlng old woman and l parLed ouLslde Lhe Calerles She was on her way Lo Les Palles Lo unload carroLs Shed been ploddlng Lhe vegeLable Lrall and so had l Lhe same 8uL l was drawn Lo Lhe 1arapouL76 lLs plunked down on Lhe boulevard llke a blg lumlnous cake And people come Lo lL from all dlrecLlons ln a franLlc hurry llke grubs 1hey emerge from Lhe nlghL wlLh wlde open eyes all ready Lo sLock up on lmages 1he ecsLasy LhaL never ends lLs Lhe same people as ln Lhe MeLro 8uL here ouLslde Lhe 1arapouL Lheyre happy same as ln new ?ork Lhey scraLch Lhelr bellles aL Lhe box offlce secreLe a llLLle change and rush happy and resoluLe lnLo Lhe glarlng aperLures 1here was so much llghL on Lhe people on Lhelr movemenLs globes and garlands of llghL LhaL lL pracLlcally undressed Lhem ?ou couldnL have Lalked abouL anyLhlng personal ln LhaL lobby lL was Lhe exacL opposlLe of nlghL 8aLher dazed myself l wenL Lo a cafe nearby AL Lhe Lable nexL Lo mlne when l looked up who should l see buL araplne my oneLlme professor havlng a beer wlLh hls dandruff and all We geL LogeLher 1here have been blg changes ln hls llfe lL Lakes hlm Len mlnuLes Lo Lell me abouL Lhem no laughlng maLLer rofessor !aunlsseL had been so mean Lo hlm had so persecuLed hlm LhaL he araplne had been obllged Lo leave Lo reslgn and glve up hls laboraLory And Lhen Lhe moLhers of Lhe llLLle glrls aL Lhe Lycee had waylald hlm aL Lhe gaLes of Lhe lnsLlLuLe and beaLen hlm up Scandal lnvesLlgaLlon 1rouble AL Lhe lasL momenL Lhanks Lo an amblguous adverLlsemenL ln a medlcal [ournal he had managed ln Lhe nlck of Llme Lo secure anoLher palLry means of supporL noLhlng much of course buL down hls alley and noL faLlgulng 1he [ob was based on an lngenlous appllcaLlon of rofessor 8aryLons recenL Lheorles concernlng Lhe role of Lhe clnema ln Lhe educaLlon of creLln chlldren A slgnlflcanL sLep forward ln Lhe exploraLlon of Lhe unconsclous 1he laLesL Lhlng 1he Lalk of Lhe Lown araplne Look hls speclal paLlenLs Lo Lhe 1arapouL because lL was so modern Pe plcked Lhem up aL 8aryLons resL home ln Lhe suburbs and afLer Lhe show Look Lhem back agalndazed gluLLed wlLh vlslons safe happy sound and wonderfully modernlzed 1haL was all he had Lo do Cnce Lhey were seaLed ln fronL of Lhe screen Lhey needed no supervlslon A perfecL audlence Lverybody was happy 1he same fllm Len Llmes ln a row would have dellghLed Lhem 1hey were wlLhouL memory ConLlnuous surprlsewhaL a [oy! 1helr famllles were dellghLed So was araplne So was l We chorLled wlLh wellbelng and drank beer afLer beer Lo celebraLe Lhe maLerlal relnsLaLemenL of araplne ln Lhe modern world Wed sLay Lhere we declded unLll Lwo ln Lhe mornlng unLll afLer Lhe lasL show aL Lhe 1arapouL Lhen wed plck Lhem up and hurry Lhem back Lo ur 8aryLons esLabllshmenL aL vlgnysurSelne by cab A good deal uellghLed Lo see each oLher we sLarLed Lalklng [usL for Lhe pleasure of exchanglng fanLasles flrsL abouL our Lravels and Lhen abouL napoleon who cropped up ln connecLlon wlLh Moncey on Lhe lace Cllchy LveryLhlng becomes a pleasure when Lwo people wanL noLhlng more Lhan Lo geL on LogeLher because Lhen you flnally feel free ?ou forgeL your llfe LhaL ls you forgeL all abouL money Cne Lhlng leadlng Lo anoLher we even LhoughL up some funny Lhlngs Lo say abouL napoleon araplne knew Lhe hlsLory of napoleon well lL had fasclnaLed hlm ln secondary school back ln oland he Lold me araplne had been properly educaLed noL llke me So araplne Lold me LhaL durlng Lhe reLreaL from 8ussla napoleons generals had a hell of a Llme sLopplng hlm from golng Lo Warsaw Lo geL hlmself sucked off [usL once more by Lhe olonalse of hls hearL 1haL was napoleon all over even ln Lhe mldsL of Lhe worsL reverses and calamlLles AbsoluLely lrresponslble! 1hlnk of hls !osephlne! Pe was her eagle buL lL made no dlfference! AnLs ln hls panLs come hell and hlgh waLer! lf youve goL a LasLe for wlne and women noLhlng can sLop you And we all have lL LhaLs Lhe sad parL 1haLs all we Lhlnk abouL! ln Lhe cradle aL Lhe cafe on Lhe Lhrone ln Lhe LolleL Lverywhere! Lverywhere! Cur peckers! napoleon or noL! Cuckold or noL! leasure flrsL! 1o hell says Lhe CreaL uefeaLed Cne wlLh Lhose four hundred Lhousand fanaLlcs embereslnad77 Lo Lhe gllls as long as old ollon geLs one lasL squlrL! WhaL a swlne! never mlnd! Llfe ls llke LhaL! 1haLs how everyLhlng ends ln absurdlLy Long before Lhe audlence Lhe LyranL ls bored wlLh Lhe play hes acLlng When hes good and slck of secreLlng dellrlum for Lhe beneflL of Lhe publlc he goes and geLs lald When LhaL happens hes washed up uesLlny drops hlm ln Lwo seconds flaL! Pls fans have no ob[ecLlon Lo hls massacrlng Lhem wlLh mlghL and maln! none whaLever! 1haLs noLhlng! 1hey forglve hlm a hundred percenL! WhaL Lhey wonL forglve ls when he sLarLs borlng Lhem all of a sudden Cood work ls LoleraLed only when hammed up! Lpldemlcs sLop only when Lhe mlcrobes geL dlsgusLed wlLh Lhelr Loxlns 8obesplerre was gullloLlned because he kepL saylng Lhe same Lhlng and whaL dld for napoleon was over Lwo years of LeglonofPonor lnflaLlon 1haL lunaLlcs headache was havlng Lo supply half of sedenLary Lurope wlLh a longlng for advenLure An lmposslble [ob lL kllled hlm Whereas Lhe clnema LhaL new llLLle facLoLum of our dreams can be boughL hlred for an hour or Lwo llke a prosLlLuLe nowadays people are so bored LhaL arLlsLs have been posLed everywhere as a precauLlon eople are bored even ln Lhe houses where arLlsLs have been lnsLalled wlLh Lhelr overflow of emoLlon Lhelr slncerlLles Lumbllng from floor Lo floor Llll Lhe doors raLLle Lach one of Lhem ls ouL Lo Lhrob more ouLrageously and passlonaLely Lo abandon hlmself more lnLensely Lhan hls nelghbor nowadays Lhey decoraLe Lhe crappers and slaughLerhouses and pawnshops and all LhaL Lo enLerLaln you Lo cheer you up Lo dlsLracL you from your laLe !usL plaln llvlng whaL a drag! Llfe ls a classroom and boredom ls Lhe monlLor always keeplng an eye on you you have Lo look busy aL all cosLs busy wlLh someLhlng fasclnaLlng oLherwlse he comes and corrodes your braln A day LhaLs noLhlng more Lhan a lapse of LwenLyfour hours ls lnLolerable Llke lL or noL a day should be one long almosL unbearable pleasure one long colLus ulsgusLlng LhoughLs of Lhls klnd come Lo you when youre crazed by necesslLy when a deslre for a Lhousand oLher Lhlngs and places ls squeezed lnLo each one of your seconds 8oblnson Loo ln hls way was harrled by Lhe lnflnlLe before hls accldenL buL now he was Lhrough or so l LhoughL Seelng we were quleLly seLLled aL Lhe cafe l Lalked l Lold araplne everyLhlng LhaL had happened slnce our lasL meeLlng Pe undersLood Lhlngs even my klnd and l confessed Lo hlm LhaL l had broken my medlcal career by leavlng 8ancy so cavallerly 1haL was Lhe only way Lo puL lL lL was no [oke under Lhe clrcumsLances l couldnL dream of golng back Lo 8ancy araplne agreed Whlle we were Lalklng Lhus pleasanLly confesslng as lL were Lhe 1arapouL had an lnLermlsslon and all ln a heap Lhe movle house muslclans came over Lo Lhe blsLroL So we all had a drlnk LogeLher araplne was well known Lo Lhe muslclans ln Lhe course of Lhe conversaLlon lL came ouL LhaL a pasha was needed for Lhe sLage show A sllenL parL 1he guy whod played lL before had lefL wlLhouL noLlce ?eL lL was a good parL and well pald noL aL all sLrenuous And ln addlLlon leLs noL forgeL charmlngly surrounded by a sumpLuous flock of Lngllsh danclng glrls Lhousands of preclse and aglle muscles !usL my llne and [usL whaL l needed l smlrked and smlled and walLed for Lhe manager Lo make me an offer ln oLher words l applled for Lhe [ob Slnce lL was laLe and Lhey hadnL Llme Lo go looklng for anoLher acLor aL Lhe orLe SalnLMarLln78 Lhe manager was dellghLed Lo have me rlghL on Lhe spoL lL saved hlm shoe leaLher Me Loo Pe barely looked aL me ln facL he Look me Lhen and Lhere And puL me Lo work lL mlghL have boLhered Lhem lf ld llmped buL even Lhere lm noL so sure eneLraLlng Lhe lovely warm padded basemenL of Lhe 1arapouL l found a verlLable hlve of perfumed dresslng rooms where Lhe Lngllsh glrls whlle walLlng for Lhelr number passed Lhe Llme romplng suggesLlvely and swearlng Cver[oyed Lo have reconnecLed wlLh my bread and buLLer l hasLened Lo make frlends wlLh my easygolng young colleagues 1hey welcomed me charmlngly Angels ulscreeL angels 8esldes lLs pleasanL Lo be nelLher confessed nor desplsed 1haLs Lngland for you 1he 1arapouL was raklng lL ln Lven backsLage all was luxury wellbelng legs llghLs soaps and sandwlches l belleve Lhe skeLch we appeared ln was seL ln 1urkesLan lL was a preLexL for choreographlc monkeyshlnes muslcal conLorLlons and vlolenL drummlng My parL was sllghL buL essenLlal uffed up wlLh gold and sllver l had some dlfflculLy aL flrsL ln flndlng a place Lo sLand ln among so many unsLable lamps and doodads buL l goL used Lo lL and Lhus dlsplayed Lo my besL advanLage l had noLhlng Lo do buL daydream under Lhe opalescenL spoLllghLs lor a good flfLeen mlnuLes LwenLy cockney bayaderes knocked Lhemselves ouL wlLh song and bacchanallan dance supposedly Lo convlnce me of Lhe reallLy of Lhelr charms ld have been saLlsfled wlLh less lL seemed Lo me LhaL golng Lhrough LhaL rouLlne flve Llmes a day was a loL Lo expecL of a poor glrl 1hose glrls never weakened Lhey waggled Lhelr boLLoms lmplacably wlLh Lhe sllghLly borlng energy Lyplcal of Lhelr race Lhe unflagglng perslsLence of an ocean llner plowlng lLs way Lhrough endless seas Why sLruggle walLlng ls good enough slnce everyLhlng ls bound Lo end up ln Lhe sLreeL 8aslcally only Lhe sLreeL counLs Why deny lL? lLs walLlng for us Cne of Lhese days well have Lo make up our mlnds and go down lnLo Lhe sLreeL noL one or Lwo or Lhree of us buL all We sLand on Lhe brlnk we slmper and fuss buL never mlnd Lhe Llme wlll come lnLerlors are no good As soon as a door closes on a man he beglns Lo smell and everyLhlng he has on hlm smells Loo 8ody and soul he deLerloraLes Pe roLs lL serves us rlghL lf people sLlnk We should have looked afLer Lhem We should have Laken Lhem ouL evlcLed Lhem exposed Lhem Lo Lhe alr All Lhlngs LhaL sLlnk are lndoors Lhey preen Lhemselves buL Lhey sLlnk all Lhe same Speaklng of famllles l know a pharmaclsL on Lhe Avenue de SalnLCuen who had a marvelous slgn ln hls wlndow a lovely adverLlsemenL Cne boLLle (prlce Lhree francs) wlll purge Lhe whole famlly lsnL LhaL greaL! 1hey all belch! and shlL LogeLher famllywlse 1hey haLe one anoLhers guLs Lhe essence of home llfe buL no one complalns because afLer all lLs cheaper Lhan llvlng ln a hoLel Whlch brlngs us Lo hoLels A hoLel ls more unseLLled less preLenLlous Lhan an aparLmenL you donL feel so gullLy 1he human race ls never free from worry and slnce Lhe lasL [udgmenL wlll Lake place ln Lhe sLreeL lLs obvlous LhaL ln a hoLel you wonL have so far Lo go LeL Lhe LrumpeLlng angels come we hoLel dwellers wlll be Lhe flrsL Lo geL Lhere ln a hoLel you Lry noL Lo aLLracL Loo much noLlce lL doesnL do a blL of good As soon as you shouL Loo loud or Loo ofLen Lhey puL Lhelr flnger on you reLLy soon Lhe way sound carrles from room Lo room youll almosL be afrald Lo plss ln Lhe washbasln So naLurally you lmprove your manners Lhe way offlcers do ln Lhe navy Peaven and earLh can sLarL quaklng from one mlnuLe Lo Lhe nexL well be prepared lL wonL faze us for already [usL collldlng ln Lhe hoLel corrldors we beg and obLaln pardon Len Llmes a day ld advlse you Lo famlllarlze yourself wlLh Lhe LolleL smell of everyone on your floor lL comes ln handy lLs hard Lo harbor llluslons aL a roomsbyLhemonLh hoLel 1he guesLs donL cuL much of a flgure 1hey [ourney dlscreeLly Lhrough llfe from day Lo day Lhe hoLel ls a shlp LhaLs roLLlng and full of holes and Lhey know lL 1he one l moved Lo was paLronlzed mosLly by sLudenLs from Lhe provlnces As soon as you seL fooL on Lhe sLalrs lL smelled of breakfasL and old clgareLLe buLLs AL nlghL you could recognlze Lhe place from a dlsLance because of Lhe flame of gray llghL over Lhe door and Lhe gapLooLhed gllL leLLers hanglng from Lhe balcony llke an enormous denLal plaLe A monsLrous lodglng machlne dlsLempered by sordld golngson Wed pay one anoLher vlslLs from room Lo room AfLer years of crummy underLaklngs ln Lhe world of pracLlcal affalrs of socalled advenLures l was back agaln wlLh sLudenLs 1helr deslres were sLlll Lhe same lnLense and puLrld nelLher more nor less lnslpld Lhan ln Lhe old days when ld lefL Lhem 1he people had changed buL Lhe ldeas were Lhe same 1hey sLlll wenL aL more or less regular hours Lo Lhe oLher end of Lhe nelghborhood Lo nlbble blLs of medlclne odds and ends of chemlsLry a plll or Lwo of law and heaps of zoology 1he war ln passlng over Lhelr age group hadnL changed a Lhlng and lf ouL of sympaLhy you Look an lnLeresL ln Lhelr dreams Lhey led you sLralghL Lo Lhelr forLleLh blrLhday 1hese young men gave Lhemselves LwenLy years Lwo hundred and forLy monLhs of dogged LhrlfL ln whlch Lo achleve happlness 1helr noLlons of happlness and success were convenLlonal lmages buL carefully drawn 1hey saw Lhemselves aL Lhe lasL square surrounded by a small buL lncomparably preclous famlly ?eL Lhey would seldom have looked aL Lhls famlly WhaL for? Cne Lhlng a famlly lsnL meanL for ls Lo be looked aL And a faLhers dlsLlncLlon and happlness conslsL ln klsslng hls famlly hls poeLrywlLhouL ever looklng aL lL 8y way of novelLy Lheyd have moLored Lo nlce wlLh Lhelr dowered brlde and posslbly have adopLed Lhe use of checks for maklng paymenLs As for Lhe shameful reaches of Lhe soul Lhey would no doubL have Laken Lhelr wlfe Lo a whorehouse one evenlng no more 1he resL of Lhelr world would be shuL up ln Lhelr dally papers and guarded by Lhe pollce SLaylng aL LhaL fleablLLen hoLel made my frlends a Lrlfle shameful and lrrlLable for Lhe momenL 1he young bourgeols sLudenL feels LhaL hes belng punlshed and slnce lLs Laken for granLed LhaL he canL sLarL savlng yeL he drowns hls sorrow ln 8ohemla and more 8ohemla ln coffeehouse despalr AL Lhe beglnnlng of each monLh we wenL Lhrough a shorL buL acuLe flL of eroLlclsm Lhe whole hoLel shook wlLh lL We washed our feeL An eroLlc expedlLlon was arranged Money orders arrlved from Lhe provlnces and LhaL ls whaL made up our mlnds l mlghL have obLalned [usL as good colLuses from my Lngllsh chorus glrls aL Lhe 1arapouL and free of charge aL LhaL buL Lhlnklng lL over l re[ecLed Lhe easy way because of Lhe compllcaLlons and Lhe roLLen [ealous llLLle plmps who were always hanglng around backsLage walLlng for Lhe glrls Slnce we read several pornographlc magazlnes aL our hoLel we knew Lhe ropes and addresses needed for geLLlng fucked ln arls ?ou have Lo admlL LhaL addresses are fun ?ou leL yourself be LempLed even l who had known Lhe assage des 8ereslnas and Lraveled and experlenced no end of compllcaLlons ln Lhe pornographlc llne never seem Lo have exhausLed Lhe hope of lnLlmaLe revelaLlons Where Lhe ass ls concerned Lheres always a resldue of curloslLy ?ou say Lo yourself LhaL Lhe ass has noLhlng more Lo Lell you LhaL you havenL one more mlnuLe Lo wasLe on lL and Lhen you sLarL ln agaln [usL Lo make absoluLely sure LhaL Lhe sub[ecL ls exhausLed you learn someLhlng new abouL lL afLer all and LhaL sufflces Lo launch you on a wave of opLlmlsm ?ou pull yourself LogeLher you Lhlnk more clearly Lhan before you sLarL hoplng agaln even lf youd glven up hope alLogeLher and lnevlLably you reverL once more Lo Lhe ass Lhe same old sLory lndeed Lhere are always aL all ages dlscoverles Lo be made ln Lhe vaglna So one afLernoon Lhree of us from Lhe hoLel seL ouL ln search of an lnexpenslve plece lL was qulck work Lhanks Lo Lhe connecLlons of omone79 who operaLed an agency ln Lhe 8aLlgnolles quarLer for every klnd of eroLlc arrangemenL or comblnaLlon LhaL anyone could deslre Pls books were full of offers aL all prlces 1hls provldenLlal man offlclaLed wlLhouL osLenLaLlon of any klnd aL Lhe back of a courL hls exlguous premlses were so poorly llL LhaL you needed as much LacLlle sense and glfL of dead reckonlng Lo flnd your way as ln an unfamlllar urlnal ?our nerves would be unseLLled by Lhe layers of curLaln you had Lo parL before reachlng Lhe procurer who was always Lo be found seaLed ln an arLlflclal confesslonal LwlllghL 8ecause of LhaL dlm llghL Lo Lell Lhe LruLh l never really managed Lo geL a good look aL omone and Lhough we had long conversaLlons and even worked LogeLher for a Llme Lhough he made me all sorLs of proposlLlons and conflded any number of senslLlve secreLs l should be qulLe lncapable of recognlzlng hlm Loday lf l meL hlm ln hell l remember only LhaL Lhe furLlve enLhuslasLs ln Lhe slLLlng room walLlng Lhelr Lurn for an lnLervlew always behaved correcLly never any famlllarlLy beLween Lhem ln facL Lhey were as reserved as lf Lheyd been walLlng for some eccenLrlc denLlsL who dlsllked nolse and dldnL care much for llghL elLher l made Lhe acqualnLance of omone Lhrough a medlcal sLudenL 1he sLudenL culLlvaLed hlm as a means of maklng a blL of exLra money ouL of hls cock because you see Lhe lucky basLard was glfLed wlLh a monumenLal penls Pe and hls amazlng equlpmenL would be hlred Lo brlng anlmaLlon lnLo llLLle lnLlmaLe gaLherlngs ln Lhe suburbs 1he ladles made a greaL fuss over hlm especlally Lhose who wouldnL have belleved LhaL anyone could have such a blg one Cverwhelmed young glrls would dream and rave ln Lhe pollce records our sLudenL flgured under Lhe alarmlng pseudonym of 8elshazzar!80 1he waLLlng cusLomers seldom sLrlke up a conversaLlon Sufferlng exhlblLs lLself pleasure and Lhe needs of Lhe flesh hang Lhelr heads ln shame Say whaL you please lLs a sln Lo be a lecher and poor When omone heard abouL my slLuaLlon and my medlcal pasL noLhlng could sLop hlm from Lelllng me abouL hls sufferlng A vlce was wearlng hlm ouL lL conslsLed ln Louchlng hlmself conLlnuously under hls desk whlle converslng wlLh hls cusLomers hunLers affllcLed wlLh an lLchlng perlneum lLs my work you see! Pow do you expecL me Lo conLrol myself wlLh all Lhe horrors Lhey Lell me Lhe swlne! ln shorL hls cusLomers LempLed hlm Lo vlce llke Lhose obese buLchers who canL help gorglng Lhemselves on meaL ln addlLlon l belleve hls bowels were consLanLly lnflamed as a resulL of a mallgnanL fever orlglnaLlng ln hls lungs And Lhe facL ls LhaL he was carrled off fay Luberculosls a few years laLer Pe was also exhausLed ln a dlfferenL sense by Lhe chaLLer of hls preLenLlous lady cusLomers always cheaLlng always maklng up rldlculous sLorles abouL noLhlng or abouL Lhelr sexual apparaLus Lhe llke of whlch Lo hear Lhem Lalk you wouldnL flnd lf you ransacked all four corners of Lhe earLh WhaL Lhe men wanLed mosL and whaL had Lo be found for Lhem was mosLly consenLlng and admlrlng parLners for Lhelr eroLlc wrlnkles lncredlble Lhe quanLlLles of love Lhose men had Lo share as much as Madame PeroLes cusLomers A slngle mornlngs mall would brlng Lhe omone Agency enough unsaLlsfled love Lo exLlngulsh all Lhe wars ln Lhe world forever 8uL Lhese deluges of senLlmenL never wenL beyond Lhe ass 1he mores Lhe plLy Pls desk dlsappeared beneaLh LhaL mass of passlonaLe banallLles ln my deslre Lo know more l declded Lo help hlm for a whlle ln classlfylng LhaL vasL eplsLolary ragouL !usL as wlLh neckLles or dlseases he explalned you grouped Lhem accordlng Lo Lypes Lhe lunaLlcs on one slde Lhe masochlsLs and sadlsLs on anoLher Lhe flagellanLs over here Lhe ones looklng for a governess on a dlfferenL page and so on lLs noL long before your amusemenL becomes a chore Weve been expelled from aradlse all rlghL! no doubL abouL LhaL! omone was of Lhe same oplnlon wlLh hls molsL hands and hls everlasLlng vlce whlch gave hlm pleasure and remorse aL Lhe same Llme AfLer a few monLhs l knew enough abouL hls buslness and hlmself My vlslLs became less frequenL AL Lhe 1arapouL Lhey conLlnued Lo regard me as qulLe accepLable a quleL puncLual super buL afLer a few weeks of calm my cusLomary lll luck soughL me ouL from an unusual quarLer and l was obllged Lo abandon my work as a super and resume my mlserable [ourney Seen ln perspecLlve Lhose days aL Lhe 1arapouL were only a sorL of forbldden and lnsldlous porL of call AdmlLLedly l was always well dressed durlng Lhose four monLhs once as a prlnce Lwlce as a cenLurlon one day as an avlaLor and well and regularly pald AL Lhe 1arapouL l aLe enough Lo lasL me for years l led Lhe llfe of a coupon cllpper wlLhouL Lhe coupons 1reachery! ulsasLer! Cne nlghL l donL know why Lhey changed our number 1he scene of Lhe new skeLch was Lhe London LmbankmenL My mlsglvlngs were lmmedlaLe our llLLle Lngllsh glrls were expecLed Lo slng off key and osLenslbly on Lhe banks of Lhe 1hames aL nlghL whlle l played Lhe parL of a pollceman A LoLally sllenL role walklng up and down ln fronL of Lhe parapeL Suddenly when ld sLopped Lhlnklng abouL lL Lhelr slnglng grew louder Lhan llfe lLself and sLeered faLe ln Lhe dlrecLlon of calamlLy Whlle Lhey were slnglng l couldnL Lhlnk of anyLhlng buL all Lhe poor worlds mlsery and my own Lhose LarLs wlLh Lhelr slnglng made my hearL burn llke Luna flsh l LhoughL ld dlgesLed lL forgoLLen Lhe worsL! 8uL Lhls was Lhe worsL of all a song LhaL couldnL make lL And as Lhey sang Lhey wlgglewaggled Lo Lry and brlng lL off A flne mess all of a sudden we were knee deep ln mlsery no mlsLake! Moonlng abouL ln Lhe fog! 1helr lamenL was drlpplng wlLh mlsery lL made me grow older from mlnuLe Lo mlnuLe anlc oozed from Lhe very sLage seL And noLhlng could sLop Lhem 1hey dldnL seem Lo undersLand all Lhe harm Lhelr song was dolng us all 1hey laughed and flung ouL Lhelr legs ln perfecL Llme whlle lamenLlng Lhelr whole llfe When lL comes Lo you from so far wlLh such sureness of alm you canL mlsLake lL and you canL reslsL Mlsery was everywhere ln splLe of Lhe luxurlous hall lL was on us on Lhe seL lL overflowed lL drenched Lhe whole earLh 1hose glrls were real arLlsLs Ab[ecL mlsery poured ouL of Lhem and Lhey made no aLLempL Lo sLop lL or even undersLand lL Cnly Lhelr eyes were sad 1he eyes arenL enough 1hey sang Lhe calamlLy of exlsLence and Lhey dldnL undersLand 1hey mlsLook lL for love noLhlng buL love Lhe poor llLLle Lhlngs had never been LaughL anyLhlng else Supposedly Lhey were slnglng abouL some llLLle seLback ln love 1haLs whaL Lhey LhoughL! When youre young and you donL know you mlsLake everyLhlng for love Lrouble
Where l go where l look lLs only for you ou Cnly for you ou 1haLs whaL Lhey sang lLs a manla wlLh Lhe young Lo puL all humanlLy lnLo one ass [usL one Lhe dream of dreams mad love Maybe laLer Lhey would flnd ouL where all LhaL ended when Lhelr roslness had fled when Lhe nononsense mlsery of Lhelr lousy counLry had engulfed Lhem all slxLeen of Lhem wlLh Lhelr hefLy mares Lhlghs and Lhelr bobblng LlLs 1he LruLh ls LhaL mlsery already had Lhe darllngs by Lhe neck by Lhe walsL Lhey couldnL escape 8y Lhe belly by Lhe breaLh by every cord of Lhelr Lhln offkey volces Mlsery was lnslde Lhem no cosLume no spangles no llghLs no smlle could fool her delude her abouL her own mlsery flnds her own wherever Lhey may hlde lL [usL amuses her Lo leL Lhem slng sllly songs of hope whlle walLlng Lhelr Lurn 1hose Lhlngs awaken mlsery caress and arouse her 1haLs whaL our unhapplness our Lerrlble unhapplness comes Lo an amusemenL So Lo hell wlLh people who slng love songs! Love lLself ls mlsery and noLhlng else mlsery lylng ouL of our mouLhs Lhe blLch and noLhlng else Shes everywhere donL wake her noL even ln preLense She never preLends And yeL Lhose Lngllsh glrls wenL Lhrough Lhelr rouLlne Lhree Llmes a day wlLh Lhelr backdrop and accordlon Lunes lL was bound Lo end badly l dldnL lnLerfere buL donL worry l saw Lhe caLasLrophe comlng llrsL one of Lhe glrls fell slck ueaLh Lo cuLles who sLlr up calamlLy! LeL em croak well all be beLLer off! And whlle were aL lL donL hang around sLreeL corners near accordlon players as ofLen as noL LhaLs where youll caLch lL where Lhe LruLh wlll sLrlke A ollsh glrl was hlred Lo Lake Lhe place of Lhe slck one ln Lhelr acL 1he ollsh chlck coughed Loo when she wasnL dolng anyLhlng else She was Lall and pale powerfully bullL We made frlends rlghL away ln Lwo hours l knew all abouL her soul as far as her body was concerned l had Lo walL a whlle 1hls glrls manla was muLllaLlng her nervous sysLem wlLh lmposslble crushes naLurally whaL wlLh her own unhapplness she slld lnLo Lhe Lngllsh glrls lousy song llke a knlfe lnLo buLLer 1helr song began very nlcely llke all popular songs lL dldnL seem Lo mean a Lhlng and Lhen your hearL began Lo droop lL made you so sad LhaL llsLenlng Lo lL you losL all deslre Lo llve because lLs Lrue LhaL everyLhlng youLh and all LhaL comes Lo noLhlng and Lhen you sLarLed harklng Lo Lhe words even afLer Lhe song was over and Lhe Lune had gone home Lo sleep ln lLs own bed lLs honesLLogoodness bed Lhe Lomb where everyLhlng ends 1wo choruses and you felL a klnd of longlng for Lhe sweeL land of deaLh Lhe land of everlasLlng Lenderness and lmmedlaLe foggy forgeLfulness As a maLLer of facL Lhelr volces were foggy Loo All of us ln chorus repeaLed Lhelr plalnL reproachful of everybody who was sLlll around sLlll dragglng Lhelr llvlng carcasses from place Lo place walLlng along Lhe rlverbanks on all Lhe rlverbanks of Lhe world for llfe Lo flnlsh passlng and ln Lhe meanLlme dolng one Lhlng and anoLher selllng Lhlngs Lo oLher ghosLs oranges and raclng Llps and counLerfelL colns pollcemen sex flends sorrows Lelllng each oLher Lhlngs ln Lhls paLlenL fog LhaL wlll never end 1anla was Lhe name of my new pal from oland Per llfe aL Lhe momenL l gaLhered was one compacL frenzy because of a llLLle forLyyearold bank clerk whom she had known slnce 8erlln She wanLed Lo go back Lo 8erlln and love hlm ln splLe of everyLhlng and aL all cosLs Shed have done anyLhlng Lo geL back Lo hlm She pursued LheaLrlcal agenLs Lhose promlsers of engagemenLs Lo Lhe ends of Lhelr plssy sLalrways Whlle walLlng for answers LhaL never came Lhose roLLers plnched her buLLocks 8uL she was so LoLally enLhralled by her faraway love LhaL she hardly noLlced Lhelr manlpulaLlons 1hls sLaLe of affalrs hadnL prevalled for a week when dlsasLer sLruck lor monLhs she had been loadlng uesLlny wlLh LempLaLlons llke a cannon llu carrled off her marvelous lover 1he news came Lo us one SaLurday afLernoon ulsheveled and haggard she dragged me Lo Lhe Care du nord 1haL ln lLself was noLhlng unusual buL ln her frenzy she clamored aL Lhe LlckeL wlndow lnslsLlng LhaL she had Lo be ln 8erlln ln Llme for Lhe funeral lL Look Lwo sLaLlonmasLers Lo dlssuade her Lo geL her Lo undersLand LhaL lL was much Loo laLe ln Lhe sLaLe she was ln l couldnL Lhlnk of leavlng her She was lnLenL on her Lragedy and sLlll more lnLenL on exhlblLlng lL Lo me ln full flood WhaL an opporLunlLy! Love LhwarLed by poverLy and dlsLance ls llke a sallors love no Lwo ways lLs lrrefuLable and sure flre ln Lhe flrsL place when youre unable Lo meeL Loo ofLen you canL flghL whlch ls LhaL much galned Slnce llfe conslsLs of madness splked wlLh lles Lhe farLher you are from each oLher Lhe more lles you can puL lnLo lL and Lhe happler youll be 1haLs only naLural and normal 1ruLh ls lnedlble nowadays for lnsLance lLs easy Lo Lalk abouL !esus ChrlsL uld !esus ChrlsL go Lo Lhe LolleL ln fronL of everybody? lL seems Lo me hls rackeL wouldnL have lasLed very long lf hed Laken a shlL ln publlc very llLLle presence LhaLs Lhe whole Lrlck especlally ln love Cnce 1anla had been Lhoroughly assured LhaL Lhere was no posslble Lraln Lo 8erlln we made up for lL ln Lelegrams AL Lhe 8ourse81 posL offlce we composed an exLremely long one because we dldnL know whom Lo address lL Lo We dldnL know anybody ln 8erlln excepL Lhe dead man lrom LhaL momenL on Lhere was noLhlng we could do buL exchange words abouL Lhe dead mans deaLh Words helped us Lo walk around Lhe 8ourse Lwo or Lhree Llmes 1hen we had Lo do someLhlng Lo sooLhe 1anlas sorrow so we sLrolled slowly up Loward MonLmarLre garbllng words of grlef Cn Lhe 8ue Leplc you sLarL meeLlng people on Lhelr way Lo Lhe Lop of Lhe clLy ln search of merrlmenL 1heyre ln a hurry When Lhey geL Lo SacreCoeur Lhey look down aL Lhe nlghL a blg dense hollow wlLh houses plled aL Lhe boLLom Cn Lhe llLLle square we wenL lnLo Lhe cafe LhaL looked Lhe leasL expenslve 8y way of consolaLlon and graLlLude 1anla leL me klss her wherever l pleased She also llked Lo drlnk 1lpsy merrymakers were already asleep on Lhe benches around us 1he clock aL Lhe Lop of Lhe llLLle church sLarLed sLrlklng Lhe hours and more hours and on and on We had reached Lhe end of Lhe world LhaL was becomlng obvlous We couldnL go any furLher because furLher on Lhere were only dead people 1he dead began on Lhe lace du 1erLre Lwo sLeps away lrom where we were lL was easy Lo see Lhem 1hey were passlng over Lhe Calerles uuf ayel82 Lo Lhe easL of us Lven so youve goL Lo know how Lo flnd Lhemnamely from lnslde wlLh your eyes almosL closed because Lhe elecLrlc slgns wlLh Lhelr greaL copses of llghL make lL very hard Lo see Lhe dead even Lhrough Lhe clouds l reallzed aL once LhaL Lhese dead had 8eberL wlLh Lhem 8eberL and l even gave each oLher Lhe hlgh slgn and Lhen noL far from hlm l saw Lhe pale glrl from 8ancy she had flnally flnlshed aborLlng Lhls Llme her guLs had been Laken ouL of her and we Loo slgnaled Lo each oLher 1here were old paLlenLs of mlne here and Lhere male and female LhaL ld long sLopped Lhlnklng abouL and sLlll oLhers Lhe black man ln a whlLe cloud all alone Lhe one Lhey had glven one lash Loo many down Lhere ln 1opo and old man Crappa Lhe lleuLenanL of Lhe vlrgln foresL! ld LhoughL of Lhem all from Llme Lo Llme of Lhe lleuLenanL Lhe LorLured black and also of my Spanlard Lhe prlesL he had come down from heaven LhaL nlghL wlLh Lhe dead Lo say prayers and hls golden cruclflx was geLLlng ln hls way maklng lL hard for hlm Lo fly from sky Lo sky lL goL Langled up ln Lhe clouds Lhe dlrLlesL and yellowesL of Lhem and as Llme wenL on l recognlzed more dead people more and more So many you canL help feellng ashamed of noL havlng had Llme Lo look aL Lhem whlle Lhey were llvlng here beslde you all Lhose years 1heres never enough Llme lLs Lrue noL even for Lhlnklng of yourself Well anyway all Lhose sons of blLches had Lurned lnLo angels wlLhouL my noLlclng! Whole clouds full of angels lncludlng some very farouL and dlsrepuLable ones all over Lhe place 8oamlng around hlgh over Lhe clLy! l looked for Molly among Lhem a golden opporLunlLy my sweeL my only frlend buL she hadnL come wlLh Lhem Shed always been so nlce LhaL she probably had a llLLle heaven all Lo herself rlghL nexL Lo Cod l was glad noL Lo flnd her wlLh all Lhose Lhugs oh yes Lhe ghosLs assembled over Lhe clLy LhaL nlghL were really [usL Lhe dregs of Lhe dead [usL scoundrels scum and rlffraff Lspeclally from Lhe cemeLery nearby Lhey came more and more of Lhem Lhough lLs noL a blg cemeLery noL aL all hlgh class 1here were even Communards all drenched wlLh blood wlLh Lhelr mouLhs wlde open as lf Lhey wanLed Lo yell some more and couldnL 1he Communards were walLlng wlLh Lhe oLhers walLlng for La erouse La erouse of Lhe lslands who was ln command of Lhe whole rally LhaL nlghL La erouse83 was Laklng a hell of a long Llme Lo geL ready because of hls wooden leg whlch hed puL on backward hed always had Lrouble wlLh LhaL wooden leg and besldes he couldnL flnd hls blg spyglass Pe refused Lo come ouL of Lhe clouds wlLhouL hls spyglass around hls neck crazy ldea Lhe famous spyglass of hls advenLures a laugh lL made you see people and Lhlngs far away furLher and furLher away Lhrough Lhe small end and naLurally becomlng more and more deslrable because and ln splLe of your geLLlng closer Lo Lhem Some Cossacks who were Lucked away noL far from Lhe Moulln84 couldnL manage Lo geL clear of Lhelr graves 1hey were Lrylng so hard lL was Lerrlfylng buL Lhey had Lrled many Llmes before 1hey kepL Loppllng back lnLo Lhelr graves Lheyd been drunk slnce 1820 neverLheless a shower made Lhem shooL up and Lhere Lhey were over Lhe clLy refreshed 1hen Lhey scaLLered far and wlde and palnLed Lhe nlghL wlLh Lhelr Lurbulence from cloud Lo cloud 1he Cpera ln parLlcular seemed Lo aLLracL Lhem wlLh lLs enormous brazler of elecLrlc slgns ln Lhe mlddle SpurLlng from lL Lhe ghosLs bounded Lo Lhe oLher end of Lhe sky so numerous and so acLlve Lhey made your head spln 8eady aL lasL La erouse wanLed Lhem Lo holsL hlm up aL Lhe lasL sLroke of four 1hey held hlm ln place and sLrapped hlm Lo Lhe saddle llnally asLrlde and seLLled he wenL rlghL on wavlng hls arms and gesLlculaLlng 1he clock sLrlklng four almosL made La erouse lose hls balance as he was buLLonlng hls coaL 8uL Lhen he led Lhe mad rush across Lhe sky A hldeous rouL 1wlsLlng and Lurnlng Lhe phanLoms pour from all dlrecLlons Lhe ghosLs of a Lhousand herolc baLLles 1hey pursue Lhey challenge Lhey charge one anoLher cenLurles agalnsL cenLurles lor a long whlle Lhe norLh ls cluLLered wlLh Lhelr abomlnable mlee 1he blulsh horlzon deLaches lLself aL lasL Lhe day rlses Lhrough Lhe blg renL Lheyve made ln Lhe nlghL whlle escaplng AfLer LhaL lL becomes very hard Lo flnd Lhem ?ou have Lo geL ouLslde of 1lme lf you do manage Lo flnd Lhem lL wlll be over Loward Lngland buL on LhaL slde Lhe fog ls always so dense so compacL LhaL lLs llke salls rlslng one afLer anoLher from Lhe earLh Lo Lhe hlghesL heaven and for all Llme WlLh pracLlce and close aLLenLlon you can flnd Lhem even so buL never for very long because of Lhe wlnd LhaL keeps blowlng raln squalls and mlsLs from Lhe open sea 1he Lall woman who ls Lhere guardlng Lhe lsland ls Lhe lasL of all Per head ls even hlgher Lhan Lhe uppermosL mlsLs 8y now she ls Lhe only halfway llvlng Lhlng on Lhe lsland Per red halr hlgh over everyLhlng else sLlll puLs a llLLle gold lnLo Lhe clouds LhaLs all Lhere ls lefL of Lhe sun 1hey say shes Lrylng Lo make herself a cup of Lea She may as well Lry because shell be Lhere for all eLernlLy Shell never brlng her Lea Lo a boll because of Lhe fog whlch has become Loo dense and peneLraLlng lor a LeapoL she uses Lhe hull of a shlp Lhe mosL beauLlful Lhe largesL of shlps Lhe lasL she could flnd ln SouLhampLon and she heaLs up her Lea ln lL waves and waves of lL She sLlrs She sLlrs lL abouL wlLh an enormous oar 1haL keeps her busy Serlous for all Llme benL over her Lea she doesnL look aL anyLhlng else 1he whole dance has passed over her buL she hasnL even moved shes used Lo havlng Lhese ghosLs from Lhe ConLlnenL loslng Lhemselves over Lhere 1haLs Lhe end of lL WlLh her flngers she sLlrs LhaLs good enough for her Lhe coals under Lhe ashes beLween Lwo dead foresLs She Lrles Lo revlve Lhe flre lLs all hers now buL her Lea wlll never boll agaln 1heres no llfe lefL for Lhe flames no more llfe ln Lhe world for anyone only a wee blL for her everyLhlng ls almosL over 1anla woke me up ln Lhe room where we had flnally gone Lo bed lL was Len ln Lhe mornlng 1o geL rld of her l Lold her l wasnL feellng very well and wanLed Lo sLay ln bed a whlle Llfe was sLarLlng ln agaln She preLended Lo belleve me So soon as shed gone l wenL ouL myself 1here really was someLhlng l wanLed Lo do 1he saraband of Lhe nlghL before had lefL me wlLh a sLrong LasLe of remorse 1he memory of 8oblnson came back Lo plague me lL was Lrue LhaL ld abandoned Lhe man Lo hls faLe and worse Lo Lhe mercles of Abbe roLlsLe no need Lo say more 1rue ld heard LhaL everyLhlng was [usL flne down Lhere ln 1oulouse and LhaL Crandma Penroullle was belng good and klnd Lo hlm now ln cerLaln slLuaLlons however you only hear whaL you wanL Lo hear and whaL seems mosL convenlenL Come rlghL down Lo lL Lhose vague rumors dldnL prove a Lhlng Anxlous and curlous l headed for 8ancy ln quesL of news someLhlng deflnlLe Lhe real Lhlng 1o geL Lhere l had Lo Lake Lhe 8ue des 8aLlgnolles where omone llved lL was on my way As l approached hls house l was surprlsed Lo see omone ln person on Lhe corner apparenLly shadowlng a llLLle man aL some dlsLance Slnce omone never wenL ouL l flgured someLhlng blg musL be golng on l recognlzed Lhe characLer he was followlng a cllenL ln hls correspondence he referred Lo hlmself as Lhe Cld 8uL we had been Llpped ofL Lhe Cld83 worked ln Lhe posL offlce lor years hed been pesLerlng omone Lo flnd hlm a wellbred chlck LhaL was hls dream 8uL Lhe young ladles LhaL were lnLroduced Lo hlm were never well bred enough Lo sulL hlm 1hey commlLLed gaffes so he clalmed Cn close conslderaLlon Lhere are Lwo maln classes of chlck Lhe broadmlnded ones and Lhe ones whove had a good CaLhollc upbrlnglng 1wo equally crummy ways of feellng superlor Lwo ways of LlLlllaLlng anxlous frusLraLed men Lhe shrlnklng vloleL Lype and Lhe glrl abouL Lown 1hls search had gone on monLh afLer monLh and engulfed all Lhe Clds savlngs Pls LransacLlons wlLh omone had broughL hlm Lo Lhe end of hls resources and Lhe end of hls hopes LaLer on l heard LhaL Lhe Cld had commlLLed sulclde ln a vacanL loL LhaL same afLernoon AcLually l knew someLhlng cockeyed was afooL Lhe momenL l saw omone leave hls house So l followed Lhem qulLe a way Lhrough LhaL nelghborhood whlch loses lLs shops as lL goes along and even lLs colors one afLer anoLher Llll Lheres noLhlng lefL buL ramshackle blsLroLs as you approach Lhe Loll gaLe When youre noL ln a hurry lLs easy Lo geL losL ln Lhose sLreeLs befogged by Lhe sadness and uLLer lndlfference of Lhe place So greaL ls your ennul LhaL lf you had a llLLle money youd [ump lnLo a cab and escape 1he people you pass are burdened wlLh a faLe so heavy LhaL you feel embarrassed on Lhelr accounL lLs pracLlcally cerLaln LhaL behlnd Lhelr curLalned wlndows some of Lhose small pensloners have lefL Lhelr gas on noLhlng you can do abouL lL ChrlsL! you say Whlch lsnL much 1heres noL even a bench Lo slL down on Lverywhere you look lLs brown and green When lL ralns lL ralns from all dlrecLlons from Lhe fronL and sldes and Lhe sLreeL ls as sllppery as Lhe back of a blg flsh wlLh a parLlng of raln ln Lhe mlddle ?ou canL even speak of dlsorder ln LhaL nelghborhood lLs more llke an almosL wellkepL prlson a prlson LhaL has no need of doors 8oamlng around llke LhaL l flnally losL omone and hls sulclde rlghL afLer Lhe 8ue des vlnalgrlers 1haL puL me so near La Carenne8ancy l couldnL reslsL Lhe LempLaLlon Lo casL a glance across Lhe forLlflcaLlons lrom a dlsLance La Carenne8ancy doesnL look bad you canL deny lL because of Lhe Lrees ln Lhe blg cemeLery ?ou could swear you were ln Lhe 8ols de 8oulogne When you really wanL lnformaLlon abouL someone you have Lo go Lo Lhe people who know AfLer all l sald Lo myself whaL have l goL Lo lose by paylng Lhe Penroullles a llLLle vlslL? 1hey musL know whaLs golng on ln 1oulouse So Lhen l made a mlsLake ?ou can never be careful enough 8efore you know lL youre deep ln Lhe nolsome reglons of Lhe nlghL lL doesnL Lake long for dlsasLer Lo sLrlke 1he meresL Lrlfle can brlng lL on and besldes ln Lhe flrsL place Lhere are cerLaln people you shouldnL dream of golng back Lo see Lspeclally Lhose people! Cnce lLs done youre sunk 8oamlng aL random l was flnally drawn by hablL Lo Lhe vlclnlLy of Lhe Penroullles house SLlll ln Lhe same place l couldnL geL over lL Suddenly Lhe raln was comlng down 1here was no one ln Lhe sLreeL buL me l dldnL dare go any closer l was abouL Lo Lurn back when Lhe door of Lhe house opened [usL enough for Lhe daughLerlnlaw Lo moLlon me Lo come ln 1haL woman saw everyLhlng Shed seen me on Lhe opposlLe sldewalk looklng fuddled l had losL all deslre Lo go closer buL she lnslsLed She even called me by my name uocLor! Ch hurry!" 1haLs how she called me noL a momenLs heslLaLlon l was afrald of aLLracLlng aLLenLlon so l hurrled up her fronL sLeps Agaln l saw Lhe llLLle corrldor wlLh Lhe sLove ln lL Lhe whole layouL l have Lo admlL lL gave me Lhe same old uneasy feellng 1hen she sLarLed Lelllng me LhaL her husband had been very slck for Lwo monLhs and was geLLlng sLeadlly worse naLurally l had my susplclons WhaL abouL 8oblnson? l hasLened Lo ask her AL flrsL she eluded my quesLlon 1hen flnally she declded Lo answer 1heyre boLh flne 1helr buslness ln 1oulouse ls dolng well she flnally sald buL Lalklng very fasL 1haL was all Lhen she shlfLed back Lo her slck husband She wanLed me Lo see hlm LhaL mlnuLe Lhere was no Llme Lo lose seelng LhaL l was so devoLed LhaL l knew her husband well LhaL he had confldence ln no one buL me LhaL hed refused Lo see any oLher docLor LhaL Lhey dldnL have my address 8ullshlL ln shorL l had good reason Lo suspecL LhaL Lhere was more Lo her husbands lllness Lhan meL Lhe eye l knew Lhe lady well and Lhe ways of Lhe household neverLheless my ldloLlc curloslLy made me cllmb Lhe sLalrs Lo Lhe bedroom Pe was lylng ln Lhe same bed where ld LreaLed 8oblnson afLer hls accldenL some monLhs before A room changes ln a few monLhs even lf you donL move anyLhlng Cld and rundown as Lhlngs may be Lhey sLlll flnd Lhe sLrengLh Lhe Lord knows where Lo geL older LveryLhlng had changed around us noL LhaL anyLhlng had moved no of course noL Lhe Lhlngs Lhemselves had acLually changed ln depLh 1hlngs are dlfferenL when you go back Lo Lhem Lhey seem Lo have more power Lo enLer lnLo us more sadly more deeply more genLly Lhan before Lo merge wlLh Lhe deaLh whlch ls slowly pleasanLly sneaklly growlng lnslde us and whlch we Lraln ourselves Lo reslsL a llLLle less each day lrom momenL Lo momenL we see llfe langulshlng shrlvellng lnslde us and wlLh lL Lhe Lhlngs and people who may have been commonplace or preclous or lmposlng when we lasL lefL Lhem lear of Lhe end has marked all LhaL wlLh lLs wrlnkles whlle we were chaslng around Lown ln search of pleasure or bread Soon our pasL wlll be aLLended only by lnoffenslve paLheLlc dlsarmed Lhlngs and people mlsLakes wlLh noLhlng Lo say for Lhemselves 1he wlfe lefL me alone wlLh her husband Pe was ln bad shape noL much clrculaLlon lefL 1he Lrouble was ln hls hearL lm golng Lo dle he sald slmply Cases llke Lhls were my speclal form of luck l llsLened Lo hls hearLbeaL [usL Lo be dolng someLhlng Lhe few gesLures people expecL under Lhose clrcumsLances Pls hearL was raclng no doubL abouL lL shuL up behlnd hls rlbs lL ran afLer llfe ln flLs and sLarLs buL run or noL lL would never caLch up wlLh llfe Pls goose was cooked Soon Lhe way lL was sLumbllng hls hearL would fall ln Lhe muck all [ulcy and red gushlng llke a crushed pomegranaLe 1haLs how hls flabby old hearL would look on Lhe marble cuL open wlLh a knlfe aL Lhe auLopsy LhaL would Lake place ln a few days All Lhls would end ln a lovely courLordered auLopsy 1haLs whaL l foresaw conslderlng LhaL everyone ln Lhe nelghborhood would be relaylng some hlghly seasoned rumors afLer hls deaLh whlch would look very flshy afLer Lhe oLher buslness 1he nelghbors were laylng for hls wlfe wlLh all Lhe accumulaLed and sLlll undlgesLed susplclons aroused by Lhe prevlous affalr 1hls would come up a llLLle laLer AL Lhe momenL Lhe husband dldnL know how Lo llve or dle Pe was already parL way ouL of llfe buL he couldnL qulLe geL rld of hls lungs Pe expelled alr and alr came back Ped have been glad Lo leL hlmself dle buL he had Lo llve Lo Lhe end lL was rough work and lL was drlvlng hlm up Lhe wall l canL feel my feeL anymore! he groaned lm cold up Lo my knees Pe Lrled Lo Louch hls feeL buL he couldnL Pe couldnL drlnk elLher lL was almosL over Pandlng hlm Lhe Llsane hls wlfe had made hlm l wondered whaL she could have puL ln lL 1haL Llsane dldnL smell very good buL smell proves noLhlng valerlan smells vlle all by lLself And Lhe way he was suffocaLlng lL dldnL make much dlfference wheLher Lhe Llsane was splked or noL SLlll he was golng Lo a loL of Lrouble worklng llke mad wlLh all Lhe muscles he had lefL under hls skln Lo keep sufferlng and breaLhlng Pe was sLruggllng as much agalnsL llfe as agalnsL deaLh ln a case llke LhaL Lhe rlghL Lhlng would be Lo bursL When naLure sLops glvlng a damn Lhere wouldnL seem Lo be any llmlLs 8ehlnd Lhe door hls wlfe was llsLenlng Lo our consulLaLlon buL l knew hls wlfe llke a book l LlpLoed over and caughL her CaughLcha! l sald She wasnL Lhe leasL blL puL ouL she even whlspered someLhlng ln my ear ?ou should geL hlm Lo remove hls plaLe she murmured lL musL lnLerfere wlLh hls breaLhlng lL was all rlghL wlLh me Why lndeed shouldnL he remove hls plaLe? 8uL you Lell hlm l advlsed her lL was Llckllsh saylng a Lhlng llke LhaL Lo someone ln hls condlLlon no! no! lL would be beLLer comlng from you she lnslsLed Comlng from me lL would upseL hlm Lo know l knew " 8eally? l asked ln amazemenL Why?" Pes been wearlng lL for LhlrLy years and never sald a word abouL lL Lo me " ln LhaL case l suggesLed why noL leL hlm keep lL? As long as hes used Lo breaLhlng wlLh lL ln " Ch no ld never forglve myself she replled wlLh a klnd of quaver ln her volce l wenL quleLly back lnLo Lhe room Pe heard me approachlng Pe was glad ld come back 8eLween flLs of suffocaLlon he spoke Lo me Pe made an efforL Lo be frlendly asked how l was geLLlng along lf l had bullL up a new cllenLele Ch yes! l sald ln reply Lo all hls quesLlons lL would have been much Loo long and compllcaLed Lo go lnLo deLall noL Lhe rlghL Llme Pldden behlnd Lhe door hls wlfe made slgns aL me meanlng l should ask hlm Lo remove hls plaLe l wenL close Lo hls ear and whlspered advlslng hlm Lo remove lL MlsLake! l Lhrew lL down Lhe LolleL! he sald hls eyes more frlghLened Lhan ever vanlLy LhaLs whaL lL was AfLer LhaL he leL ouL a long rale An arLlsL makes do wlLh whaL happens Lo be aL hand All hls llfe Penroullle had Laken aesLheLlc palns wlLh hls denLal plaLe 1haL was a good Llme for confesslons ld have llked hlm Lo Lake advanLage and glve me hls oplnlon abouL hls moLher and whaL had been done Lo her 8uL he couldnL Pls mlnd was wanderlng Pe began Lo drool coplously 1he end lmposslble Lo geL anoLher senLence ouL of hlm l wlped hls llps and wenL back downsLalrs Pls wlfe ln Lhe corrldor wasnL aL all pleased she almosL llL lnLo me abouL Lhe plaLe as lf lL were my faulL lL was gold docLor! l know! l know how much he pald for lL! 1hey donL make Lhem llke LhaL anymore! She wenL on and on! She made me so nervous l offered Lo go up and Lry agaln 8uL only lf she wenL wlLh me 1haL Llme Lhe husband hardly recognlzed us !usL a llLLle 1he rales werenL as loud when we were boLh wlLh hlm lL was as lf he wanLed Lo hear everyLhlng hls wlfe and l sald Lo each oLher l dldnL go Lo Lhe funeral 1he auLopsy LhaL l had klnd of feared never came off lL was all done on Lhe quleL 8uL afLer LhaL Lhe wldow Penroullle and l were on Lhe ouLs for good because of Lhe denLal plaLe ?oung people are always ln such a hurry Lo go and make love ln such a rush Lo grab hold of anyLhlng LhaLs been adverLlsed as a pleasure When lL comes Lo sensaLlon Lhey never Lhlnk Lwlce lLs a llLLle llke Lhose Lravelers who go and eaL anyLhlng LhaLs glven Lhem aL Lhe sLaLlon buffeL whlle walLlng for Lhe whlsLle Lo blow As long as you provlde young people wlLh Lhe Lwo or Lhree phrases llkely Lo sLeer a conversaLlon ln Lhe dlrecLlon of fucklng LhaLs all Lhey need Lheyll be as happy as larks Papplness comes easy Lo Lhe young why wouldnL lL when Lhey come as ofLen as Lhey please? ?ouLh ls a glorlous beach aL Lhe edge of Lhe waLer where women seem aL lasL Lo be freely avallable where Lheyre so beauLlful Lhey donL need Lhe falsehood of our dreams So naLurally when wlnLer comes lLs hard for us Lo go home Lo Lell ourselves LhaL lLs all over Lo admlL lL Wed be glad Lo sLay on even ln Lhe cold of age we go on hoplng 1haLs noL hard Lo undersLand Were conLempLlble no ones Lo blame leasure and happlness come flrsL l Lhlnk so Loo When you sLarL hldlng from people lLs a slgn LhaL youre afrald Lo play wlLh Lhem 1haL ln lLself ls a dlsease We should Lry Lo flnd ouL why we refuse Lo geL cured of lonellness A characLer l meL ln Lhe hopslLal durlng Lhe war a corporal spoke Lo me abouL LhaL klnd of feellngs 1oo bad l never saw hlm agaln! 1he earLh ls dead he sald Lo me We people are [usL worms on Lop of lL worms on lLs faL revolLlng carcass eaLlng lLs enLralls and all lLs polsons noLhlng can help us we were born roLLen 1here you have lL!" 1rue Lhey hauled Lhls Lhlnker off Lo Lhe forLress one nlghL proof LhaL he was sLlll good enough Lo be shoL l even remember LhaL lL Look Lwo Ms Lo hold hlm a Lall one and a shorL one AL Lhe courLmarLlal Lhey sald he was an anarchlsL SomeLlmes when you Lhlnk abouL lL years laLer you wlsh you could reLrleve Lhe words cerLaln people sald and Lhe people Lhemselves so as Lo ask Lhem whaL Lhey were Lrylng Lo Lell you 8uL Lheyre as gone as gone can be! We werenL educaLed enough Lo undersLand Lhem Wed llke Lo know lf maybe Lheyve changed Lhelr mlnds 8uL lLs much Loo laLe lLs over and done! nobody knows anyLhlng abouL Lhem anymore So we [usL have Lo go on alone ln Lhe nlghL Weve losL our Lrue companlons and we dldnL even ask Lhem Lhe rlghL quesLlon Lhe real one when Lhere was sLlll Llme When we were wlLh Lhem we dldnL know LosL men Anyway were always laLe valn regreLs wonL make Lhe keLLle boll Well lucklly aL leasL Abbe roLlsLe came Lo see me one flne mornlng Lo spllL Lhe commlsslon wed made on Crandma Penroullles crypL AcLually ld glven up expecLlng LhaL prlesL Pe dropped llke a glfL from heaven We each had flfLeen hundred francs comlng Lo us AL Lhe same Llme he broughL me good news of 8oblnson lL seems hls eyes were a good deal beLLer 1he llds had even sLopped suppuraLlng And Lhey were all asklng for me down Lhere 1rue enough ld promlsed Lo go and see Lhem Lven roLlsLe lnslsLed lrom whaL he Lold me l also gaLhered LhaL 8oblnson was golng Lo be marrled soon Lo Lhe daughLer of Lhe woman who sold candles ln Lhe church nexL Lo Lhe burlal vaulL Lhe one LhaL had [urlsdlcLlon over Crandma Penroullles mummles 1he Lhlng was as good as done naLurally all Lhls sLarLed us Lalklng abouL Lhe deaLh of Monsleur Penroullle buL we dldnL go lnLo lL very deeply More pleasanLly Lhe conversaLlon came back Lo 8oblnsons fuLure and Lhen Lo Lhe clLy of 1oulouse LhaL l dldnL know aL all and LhaL Crappa had Lalked abouL ln Lhe old days and Lhen Lo Lhe welrd buslness Lhe Lwo of Lhem were engaged ln down Lhere and flnally Lo Lhe young glrl who was due Lo marry 8oblnson ln oLher words we Lalked abouL everyLhlng under Lhe sun a llLLle of Lhls and a llLLle of LhaL llfLeen hundred francs! 1haL made me lndulgenL and opLlmlsLlc so Lo speak LveryLhlng he Lold me abouL 8oblnsons plans sLruck me as wlse senslble [udlclous and well sulLed Lo Lhe clrcumsLances - LveryLhlng would be all rlghL So aL leasL l LhoughL And Lhen Lhe prlesL and l sLarLed Lalklng abouL age We had boLh spenL more Lhan LhlrLy years on lnhosplLable and llLLle regreLLed shores 1here was no polnL ln even Lurnlng around Lo look back on Lhose shores We hadnL losL much by growlng older A man afLer all musL be very degraded l concluded Lo regreL one year more Lhan anoLher! ?ou and l Mr rlesL can grow old wlLh gusLo! And enLhuslasm! Was yesLerday such a bargaln? Cr lasL year? WhaL dld you Lhlnk of lL? 8egreL whaL? l ask you! ?ouLh? ?ou and l never had any youLh! 1he poor lLs Lrue geL younger lnslde as Lhey go along and Loward Lhe end provlded LhaL on Lhe way Lheyve made some aLLempL Lo [eLLlson all Lhe lles and fear and conLempLlble eagerness Lo obey Lhey were glven aL blrLh Lheyre less revolLlng Lhan aL Lhe sLarL 1he resL of whaL exlsLs on earLh lsnL for Lhem! lL doesnL concern Lhem 1helr [ob Lhelr only [ob ls Lo geL rld of Lhelr obedlence Lo vomlL lL up lf Lhey manage LhaL before klcklng ln Lhen Lhey can boasL LhaL Lhey havenL llved for noLhlng" l was deflnlLely ln good form 1hose flfLeen hundred francs had sparked me off l wenL on 1he only real youLh Mr rlesL ls lovlng everyone wlLhouL dlsLlncLlon LhaL alone ls Lrue LhaL alone ls young and new Well Mr rlesL do you know many young people who are llke LhaL? l donL! All l see ls crusLy old sLupldlLles fermenLlng ln more or less recenL bodles and Lhe more Lhese sordld absurdlLles fermenL Lhe more Lhey sLlmulaLe Lhe young and Lhe more Lhey boasL how fanLasLlcally young Lhey are! 8uL lLs noL Lrue lLs bullshlL 1heyre young Lhe way a boll ls young no more because of Lhe pus lnslde LhaL hurLs and makes Lhem swell up" My Lalklng Lo hlm llke LhaL upseL roLlsLe and noL wanLlng Lo lrrlLaLe hlm anymore l changed Lhe sub[ecL lor one Lhlng hed been very klnd Lo me provldenLlally so ln facL lLs hard Lo sLop yourself from golng back Lo a sub[ecL LhaLs as much on your mlnd as LhaL was on mlne lL scrambles your bralns 1o geL free you Lry Lo unload some parL of lL on everybody who comes Lo see you and LhaL exasperaLes Lhem 8elng alone ls Lo Lraln for deaLh A man l wenL on should dle more abundanLly Lhan a dog and Lake a Lhousand mlnuLes Lo do lL Lach mlnuLe wlll be new all Lhe same and laced wlLh enough fear and Lrembllng Lo make hlm forgeL all Lhe pleasure he may have had ln maklng love durlng Lhe precedlng Lhousand years Papplness on earLh would be Lo dle wlLh and whlle havlng pleasure 1he resL ls noLhlng aL all a fear LhaL we donL dare avow arL" Pearlng me rave LhaL way roLlsLe LhoughL l musL have fallen slck agaln Maybe he was rlghL and maybe l was wrong abouL everyLhlng ln my lsolaLlon searchlng for a way Lo punlsh mans unlversal egolsm lLs Lrue LhaL l was [erklng off my lmaglnaLlon looklng for punlshmenL everywhere even ln deaLh ?ou amuse yourself as besL you can when youre shorL of frlends and donL ofLen geL a chance Lo go ouL much less Lo emerge from yourself and fuck l admlL lL wasnL exacLly senslble Lo needle roLlsLe wlLh phllosophlcal ldeas conLrary Lo hls rellglous convlcLlons 8uL Lhe facL ls hls whole person exuded a nasLy llLLle smell of superlorlLy LhaL musL have goL on qulLe a few peoples nerves As he saw lL all we humans on earLh were ln a klnd of walLlngforeLernlLy room each wlLh a number Pls number l donL have Lo Lell you was flrsL class good for aradlse Pe dldnL glve a shlL abouL anyLhlng else Such convlcLlons are unbearable Cn Lhe oLher hand when he offered LhaL same afLernoon Lo advance me Lhe prlce of Lhe Lrlp Lo 1oulouse l sLopped needllng and conLradlcLlng hlm My dread of havlng Lo face 1anla and her ghosL agaln aL Lhe 1arapouL made me accepL hls lnvlLaLlon wlLhouL a word of argumenL A week or Lwo of Lhe easy llfe lf noLhlng else LhaLs whaL l sald Lo myself When lL comes Lo LempLlng you Lhe uevll has mllllons of Lrlcks Well never know Lhem all lf we llved long enough we wouldnL know where Lo go Lo sLarL a new happlness Wed have sLrewn aborLed happlnesses all over Lhe whole earLh would sLlnk of Lhem unbreaLhably 1he ones ln Lhe museums Lhe real aborLlons Lurn some peoples sLomachs Lhe mere slghL of Lhe Lhlngs makes Lhem wanL Lo vomlL And our loaLhsome aLLempLs Lo be happy are mlscarrled enough Lo slcken you long before you dle for real lf we dldnL forgeL Lhem wed slmply wasLe away noL Lo menLlon Lhe Lrouble weve Laken Lo geL where we are Lo make our hopes our degeneraLe [oys our passlons and lles lnLeresLlng WanL some? Pelp yourself And whaL of our money? And our llLLle affecLaLlons LhaL go wlLh lL And Lhe Lhlngs we geL oLher people Lo swear Lo and LhaL we ourselves swear Lo Lhlngs we LhoughL no one had ever sald or sworn Lo before before Lhey fllled our mlnds and mouLhs and perfumes and caresses and mlmlcrles ln shorL everyLhlng lL Lakes Lo hlde all LhaL as much as posslble so well never have Lo speak of lL agaln for fear lL wlll come back aL us llke vomlL Cur Lrouble lsnL lack of perseverance lLs LhaL were noL on Lhe rlghL road LhaL leads Lo an easy deaLh Colng Lo 1oulouse was anoLher plece of damn foollshness 1hlnklng lL over l suspecLed as much So l had no excuse 8uL followlng 8oblnson ln hls advenLures l had developed a LasLe for shady underLaklngs Already ln new ?ork when l couldnL sleep l racked my bralns wonderlng lf lL mlghLnL be posslble Lo go furLher and sLlll furLher wlLh 8oblnson ?ou slnk aL flrsL youre afrald ln Lhe darkness buL all Lhe same you wanL Lo undersLand and afLer LhaL you never leave Lhe depLhs 8uL Lheres Loo much ?ou canL undersLand so many Lhlngs aL once Llfe ls Loo shorL ?ou donL wanL Lo be un[usL Lo anyone ?ou have scruples you heslLaLe Lo make snap [udgmenLs and worsL of all youre afrald Lo dle whlle youre heslLaLlng because Lhen youd have been on earLh for noLhlng whaLsoever And LhaLs Lhe worsL of all Purry hurry donL be laLe for your deaLh Slckness Lhe poverLy LhaL dlsperses your hours and years Lhe lnsomnla LhaL palnLs whole days and weeks gray Lhe cancer LhaL may even now meLlculous and blood spoLLed be cllmblng up from your recLum ?oull never have Llme you Lell yourself noL Lo speak of war whlch ls also whaL wlLh Lhe crlmlnal boredom of men ready Lo rlse up from Lhe cellar LhaL poor people shuL Lhemselves up ln you can never be sure lLs a mooL polnL Maybe all Lhose who donL undersLand should have Lhelr LhroaLs cuL And perhaps oLher new poor people should be born and so forLh and so on unLll we geL a crowd who undersLand Lhe [oke Lhe whole [oke !usL as you mow a lawn unLll Lhe grass ls really rlghL really sofL Cn leavlng Lhe Lraln aL 1oulouse l was ln doubL whaL Lo do 8uL a boLLle of beer aL Lhe sLaLlon buffeL seL me sLrolllng Lhrough Lhe sLreeLs An unfamlllar clLy ls a flne Lhlng 1haLs Lhe Llme and place when you can suppose LhaL all Lhe people you meeL are nlce lLs dream Llme And because youre ln a dream you can afford Lo wasLe a llLLle Llme ln Lhe park SLlll afLer a cerLaln age unless you have gllLedged reasons people wlll Lhlnk youve gone Lo Lhe park Lo chase llLLle glrls llke araplne So beLLer noL ?oull be safer ln Lhe pasLry shop [usL before Lhe park gaLe Lhe beauLlful shop on Lhe corner as fancy as a broLhel sLage seL beveled mlrrors sLudded wlLh llLLle blrds ueep ln LhoughL you caLch yourself eaLlng burnL almonds ad lnflnlLum A place for seraphlm 1he young !adles who work Lhere babble furLlvely abouL Lhelr prlvaLe affalrs as follows So l Lold hlm he could call for me on Sunday My aunL heard hlm and made a Lerrlble sLlck because of my faLher " 8uL hasnL your faLher remarrled? her frlend breaks ln WhaL has LhaL goL Lo do wlLh lL? Lven lf hes remarrled he sLlll has a rlghL Lo know who hls daughLers golng ouL wlLh 1he oLher young lady ln Lhe shop was of Lhe same oplnlon 1he consequence was an lmpassloned conLroversy lnvolvlng all Lhree noL wanLlng Lo dlsLurb Lhem l saL quleLly ln my corner sLufflng myself unlnLerrupLedly wlLh LarLs and cream puffs whlch were excellenL by Lhe way hoplng LhaL my dlscreLlon would help Lhem solve Lhelr dellcaLe problem of famlly prlorlLles more qulckly buL Lhey made no progress noLhlng came of Lhelr dlscusslon 1helr speculaLlve lncompeLence resLrlcLed Lhem Lo an lmpreclse sorL of haLred 1hose shopglrls were bursLlng wlLh llloglcallLy vanlLy and lgnorance uroollng wlLh rage Lhey whlspered lnsulLs by Lhe dozen l couldnL help lL l was fasclnaLed by Lhelr nasLy passlon l aLLacked Lhe rum babas l sLopped counLlng Lhe babas So dld Lhey l was hoplng Lheyd come Lo some concluslon before l had Lo leave 8uL passlon made Lhem deaf and soon dumb 1ense Lhelr venon spenL Lhey resLed ln Lhe shelLer of Lhe pasLry counLer each one lnvlnclble shuL up ln her shell plnched rumlnaLlng plans for a sLlll more emblLLered comeback AL Lhe flrsL opporLunlLy she wouldprompLly Lhls Llmespew ouL all Lhe angry cuLLlng absurdlLles she happened Lo know abouL her llLLle frlend And Lhe occaslon wouldnL be long ln comlng shed see Lo LhaL Scraplngs of argumenLs almed aL noLhlng aL all ln Lhe end l saL down Lhe beLLer for Lhem Lo befuddle me wlLh Lhe unceaslng sound of Lhelr words lnLenLlons LhoughLs as on a shore where Lhe rlpples of unceaslng passlons never manage Lo geL organlzed ?ou llsLen you walL you hope here Lhere ln Lhe Lraln aL Lhe cafe ln Lhe sLreeL ln drawlng rooms aL Lhe colnclerges you llsLen and walL for evll Lo geL organlzed as ln warLlme buL Lheres only wasLe moLlon noLhlng ls ever done elLher by Lhose unforLunaLe young ladles or by anyone else no one comes Lo help us An enormous babble gray and monoLonous spread over llfe llke an enormously dlscouraglng mlrage 1wo ladles came ln and Lhe muddleheaded charm of Lhe lneffecLual conversaLlon spread ouL beLween Lhe counLer glrls and myself was broken 1he glrls gave Lhe new arrlvals Lhelr eager and undlvlded aLLenLlon anLlclpaLlng Lhelr requesLs and Lhelr leasL deslres 1hey chose here and Lhere and nlbbled aL Lhe LarLs and peLlLs fours When lL came Llme Lo pay Lhey gushed pollLe phrases and each lnslsLed on offerlng Lhe oLhers llLLle pasLrles Lo nlbble LhaL very mlnuLe Cne decllned mosL graclously explalnlng aL lengLh and ln confldence Lo Lhe oLher ladles presenL who Look a keen lnLeresL LhaL her docLor had forbldden her all sweeLs LhaL her docLor was a genlus LhaL he had done wonders ln combaLlng consLlpaLlon ln 1oulouse and elsewhere LhaL he was well on hls way Lo curlng her of a reLenLlon of number Lwo from whlch she had been sufferlng for more Lhan Len years Lhanks Lo a very speclal dleL and a mlraculous medlclne known Lo hlm alone 1he oLher ladles were noL golng Lo leL Lhemselves be ouLdone so easlly ln maLLers of consLlpaLlon 1helr own consLlpaLlon defled comparlson 1hey were up ln arms 1hey demanded proofs ln response Lo Lhelr doubLs Lhe lady observed slmply LhaL when movlng her bowels she now broke wlnd LhaL lL sounded llke flreworks LhaL because of her new sLyle bowel movemenLs all well molded solld and subsLanLlal she was obllged Lo Lake exLra precauLlons SomeLlmes Lhese marvelous new feces of hers were so hard Lhey gave her excruclaLlng paln ln Lhe recLum a Learlng sensaLlon! So now she had Lo use vasellne before movlng her bowels lrrefuLable 1hus convlnced Lhe voluble ladles lefL Lhe eLlLs Clseaux pasLry shop accompanled Lo Lhe Lhreshold by Lhe smlles of Lhe enLlre sLaff 1he park across Lhe way was a good place ln whlch Lo resL medlLaLe brlefly and puL my LhoughLs ln order before golng Lo look for my frlend 8oblnson ln provlnclal parks Lhe benches offerlng a vlew of flowerbeds oversLuffed wlLh cannas and dalsles are almosL always empLy on weekday mornlngs near Lhe rock garden on sLrlcLly capLlve waLers a small Lln boaL enclrcled by floaLlng ashes was moored Lo Lhe shore by a moldy rope A slgn announced LhaL Lhe sklff operaLed on Sunday and LhaL a Lour of Lhe lake cosL Lwo francs Pow many years? sLudenLs? phanLoms? ln Lhe corners of all parks Lhere lle forgoLLen any number of llLLle cofflns engarlanded wlLh dreams LhlckeLs charged wlLh promlses handkerchlefs full of everyLhlng All a blg [oke 8uL LhaLs enough daydreamlng LeLs go looklng for 8oblnson and hls church of SalnLeLponlme and LhaL crypL where he and Lhe old woman are Laklng care of mummles 1haLs whaL ld come for so ld beLLer geL golng l Look a carrlage and we meandered Lhls way and LhaL aL a lelsurely sorL of LroL Lhrough Lhe dark sunken sLreeLs of Lhe old Lown where Lhe llghL caLches beLween Lhe roofs Cver cobbles and brldges we drove wlLh a greaL claLLer of wheels behlnd a horse LhaL was all shoes 1hey havenL burned any clLles ln Lhe SouLh for a long Llme 1heyve never been so old Wars donL pass LhaL way anymore We pulled up ln fronL of SalnLeLponlme86 on Lhe sLroke of noon 1he crypL was a llLLle furLher on under a calvary lL was polnLed ouL Lo me ln Lhe mlddle of a small parched garden ?ou enLered Lhe crypL Lhrough a sorL of barrlcaded hole lrom a dlsLance l saw Lhe careLaker a young glrl and asked for news of my frlend 8oblnson She was [usL closlng Lhe door She answered wlLh a frlendly smlle and Lhe news she gave me was good lrom where we were sLandlng ln LhaL noonday llghL everyLhlng around us Lurned plnk and Lhe wormeaLen sLones of Lhe church rose skyward as Lhough ready Lo melL lnLo Lhe alr 8oblnsons llLLle frlend musL have been abouL LwenLy wlLh flrm wlry legs a small perfecLly charmlng busL and surmounLlng lL a dellcaLe preclsely eLched face !usL Lhe eyes may have been a llLLle Loo black and aLLenLlve for my LasLe noL aL all Lhe dreamy Lype lL was she who wroLe 8oblnsons leLLers Lhe ones l had recelved She wenL ahead of me Lo Lhe vaulL wlLh her preclse galL her shapely feeL and ankles She had Lhe bulld of a good lay and musL have spread her legs very nlcely when clrcumsLances demanded ShorL hard hands wlLh a sLrong grlp Lhe hands of an amblLlous worklng glrl A brlsk llLLle movemenL Lo Lurn Lhe key Shlmmerlng heaL all around us Cnce she had Lhe door open she declded ln splLe of Lhe lunch hour Lo show me Lhrough Lhe vaulL l was beglnnlng Lo feel a llLLle more relaxed 8ehlnd her lanLern we descended lnLo lncreaslng coolness lL was real nlce l preLended Lo sLumble beLween Lwo sLeps as an excuse for grabblng her by Lhe arm 1haL made us laugh and when we reached Lhe clay floor aL Lhe boLLom l klssed her a llLLle on Lhe neck She proLesLed aL flrsL buL noL very much AfLer a brlef momenL of affecLlon l wrlggled round her belly llke a love worm Lecherously we molsLened and remolsLened our llps for our soul conversaLlon WlLh one hand l crepL slowly up her Lensed Lhlghs lLs fun wlLh Lhe lanLern on Lhe floor because aL Lhe same Llme you can waLch Lhe muscles rlppllng over her legs lLs a poslLlon l can recommend Ah! Such momenLs are noL Lo be mlssed 1hey puL your eyes ouL of [olnL buL lLs worLh lL WhaL gusLo! WhaL sudden good humor! 1he conversaLlon resumed ln a new Lone of confldence and slmpllclLy now we were frlends Asses flrsL We had [usL saved Len years uo you ofLen show people around? l asked pufflng and puLLlng my fooL ln lL 8uL l qulckly covered up uoesnL your moLher sell candles aL Lhe church nexL door? laLher roLlsLe has Lold me abouL her" l only Lake Madame Penroullles place durlng lunch hour she answered ln Lhe afLernoon l work for a dressmaker Cn Lhe 8ue du 1heaLre uld you pass Lhe LheaLer on your way here?" Agaln she reassured me abouL 8oblnson Pe was much beLLer ln facL Lhe speclallsL LhoughL hed soon see well enough Lo go ouL by hlmself All LhaL was mosL encouraglng As for Crandma Penroullle she seemed dellghLed wlLh Lhe vaulL She was dolng good buslness and savlng money Cnly one dlfflculLy ln Lhe house where Lhey were llvlng Lhe bedbugs kepL everybody awake especlally on sLormy nlghLs So Lhey burned sulfur lL seemed LhaL 8oblnson ofLen spoke of me pleasanLly whaLs more Cne Lhlng leadlng Lo anoLher we came around Lo Lhe pro[ecLed marrlage Lhe clrcumsLances and all l have Lo admlL LhaL wlLh all LhaL Lalk l sLlll hadnL asked her name Per name was Madelon87 Shed been born durlng Lhe war 1helr marrlage plans afLer all sulLed me flne Madelon was an easy name Lo remember l flgured she musL know whaL she was dolng ln marrylng 8oblnson Lven lf he was geLLlng beLLer hed always be an lnvalld And besldes she LhoughL only hls eyes were affecLed 8uL hls nerves were shoL and so was hls morale and everyLhlng else! l was almosL golng Lo Lell her so Lo warn her lve never known how Lo sLeer conversaLlons abouL marrlage or exLrlcaLe myself from Lhem 1o change Lhe sub[ecL l expressed a keen and sudden lnLeresL ln Lhe cellar and lLs occupanLs eople came a long way Lo see lL so as long as l was Lhere why noL Lake a look? WlLh her llLLle lanLern Madelon and l made Lhe shadows of Lhe corpses emerge from Lhe wall one by one 1hey musL have glven Lhe LourlsLs food for LhoughL! 1hose anclenL sLlffs were llned up agalnsL Lhe wall as lf a flrlng squad had worked Lhem over 1hey werenL exacLly skln and bone anymore or cloLhlng elLher !usL a llLLle of all LhaL ln a very grlmy sLaLe and full of holes 1lme had been gnawlng aL Lhelr skln for cenLurles and was sLlll aL lL Pere and Lhere lL was sLlll Learlng away blLs of Lhelr faces enlarglng all Lhe holes and even flndlng long sLrlps of epldermls LhaL deaLh had lefL cllnglng Lo Lhelr carLllage 1helr bellles had empLled of everyLhlng and now Lhere were llLLle cradles of shadow where Lhelr navels had been Madelon explalned LhaL Lo geL lnLo Lhls condlLlon Lhe bodles had had Lo spend more Lhan flve hundred years ln a qulckllme cemeLery ?ou wouldnL have Laken Lhem for corpses 1helr corpse days were far behlnd Lhem 8y easy sLages Lhey had come closer and closer Lo dusL ln LhaL cellar Lhere were blg ones and llLLle ones slx and LwenLy ln all who asked for noLhlng beLLer Lhan Lo enLer lnLo LLernlLy 1hey werenL belng admlLLed yeL 1wo women wlLh bonneLs perched on Lop of Lhelr skeleLons a hunchback a glanL and even a compleLe baby wlLh a klnd of blb lace lf you please around hls Llny drledouL neck and some blLs and pleces of swaddllng cloLhes Crandma Penroullle was maklng a loL of money ouL of Lhese scraplngs of Lhe cenLurles 1o Lhlnk LhaL when l lasL saw her she herself had looked very much llke Lhese spooks So Lhen Madelon and l wenL slowly back passlng Lhem by agaln Cne by one Lhelr socalled heads sLood sllenL ln Lhe harsh clrcle of lamp llghL lLs noL exacLly nlghL Lhey have ln Lhelr eye sockeLs lLs almosL a gaze buL genLler llke Lhe gaze of Lhose who know More dlsLurblng ls Lhelr smell of dusL lL caLches ln your nose Whenever a parLy of LourlsLs showed up Crandma Penroullle was on Lhe spoL She made Lhose sLlffs work llke clrcus performers AL Lhe helghL of Lhe summer season Lhey broughL her ln a hundred francs a day uonL Lhey look sad? Madelon asked me A rlLual quesLlon ueaLh dldnL mean a Lhlng Lo LhaL cuLle She had been born durlng Lhe war when deaLh came easy 8uL l knew well how people dle SomeLhlng l had learned lLs very palnful lLs all rlghL Lo Lell Lhe LourlsLs LhaL Lhese dead are happy 1hey canL speak for Lhemselves Crandma Penroullle even clouLed Lhem on Lhe belly when Lhere was enough parchmenL lefL on lL and lL wenL boom boom 8uL even LhaLs no proof of good cheer llnally Madelon and l goL back Lo our own affalrs So lL was Lrue LhaL 8oblnson was beLLer 1haL was good enough for me Cur llLLle frlend seemed benL on Lhls marrlage She musL have been bored Lo deaLh ln 1oulouse ?ou dldnL ofLen meeL a man who had Lraveled as much as 8oblnson WhaL sLorles he had Lo Lell! 1rue ones and noL so Lrue Ped already spoken Lo Lhem aL lengLh of Amerlca and Lhe 1roplcs Lovely! ld been ln Amerlca and Lhe 1roplcs Loo l knew sLorles abouL Lhem Loo and proposed Lo Lell her some Come Lo Lhlnk of lL l had Lraveled wlLh 8oblnson and LhaLs how wed goL Lo be frlends 1he lanLern wenL ouL We llL lL Len Llmes whlle arranglng Lhe pasL and Lhe fuLure She wouldnL leL me Louch her breasLs sald Lhey were much Loo senslLlve 8uL seelng LhaL Crandma Penroullle would be comlng back from her lunch any mlnuLe we had Lo cllmb back Lo Lhe dayllghL over Lhe sLeep rlckeLy sLalrcase whlch was as dlfflculL Lo negoLlaLe as a ladder l made a noLe of Lhose sLalrs 8ecause of Lhe Lreacherous narrow sLalrs 8oblnson dldnL ofLen go down Lo Lhe mummy cellar MosL of Lhe Llme he sLood aL Lhe door glvlng Lhe LourlsLs a blL of sales Lalk and geLLlng used Lo Laklng ln a few specks of llghL here and Lhere Meanwhlle ln Lhe depLhs Crandma Penroullle managed very well She knocked herself ouL wlLh Lhe mummles enllvenlng Lhe LourlsLs vlslL wlLh a llLLle speech abouL her parchmenL sLlffs 1heyre noL aL all repulslve ladles and genLlemen because as you see Lhey were preserved ln qulckllme for more Lhan flve cenLurles Cur collecLlon ls Lhe only one of lLs klnd ln Lhe whole world 1he flesh ls gone of course Cnly Lhe skln ls lefL buL lLs Lanned 1heyre naked buL noL lndecenL ?ou wlll observe LhaL a baby was burled aL Lhe same Llme as lLs moLher 1he baby ls also exLremely well preserved And LhaL Lall man wlLh Lhe lace shlrL LhaL he sLlll has on Pes goL every one of hls LeeLh ?ou wlll observe AL Lhe end of Lhe Lour she clouLed Lhem all on Lhe chesLlL sounded llke a drum Cbserve ladles and genLlemen LhaL Lhls one has only one eye lefL all drled ouL and Lhe Longue Loo lLs llke leaLher! She gave lL a pull Pes sLlcklng hls Longue ouL buL hes noL nasLy ?ou can glve whaL you llke as you leave ladles and genLlemen buL Lhe usual ls Lwo francs each and half prlce for chlldren ?ou can Louch Lhem before you go convlnce yourself buL please ladles and genLlemen donL pull Loo hard Lheyre exLremely fraglle " Crandma Penroullle had wanLed Lo ralse Lhe prlces as soon as she goL Lhere she applled Lo Lhe ulocese 8uL lL wasnL so slmple because of Lhe prlesL aL SalnLeLponlme who demanded a Lhlrd of Lhe Lake all for hlmself and also because of 8oblnson who kepL grlplng because ln hls oplnlon she wasnL glvlng hlm a blg enough rakeoff lve been Look! he concluded 1ook for a sucker! Agaln! l never have any luck! 1he old bags cellar you know lL brlngs ln a forLune! 8elleve you me shes raklng lL ln!" 8uL you dldnL puL any money lnLo Lhe buslness l argued Lo calm hlm down and puL some sense lnLo hlm And youre well fed! Well Laken care of!" 8uL 8oblnson was as sLubborn as a mule he felL persecuLed and LhaL was LhaL Pe refused Lo undersLand Lo reslgn hlmself All ln all l sald youve come ouL of a nasLy buslness preLLy well! So donL complaln! ?oud have gone sLralghL Lo Cayenne88 lf Lheyd nabbed you Pere nobodys boLherlng you! And youve found llLLle Madelon whos a sweeL kld and wllllng Lo puL up wlLh you desplLe Lhe sLaLe of your healLh So whaL have you goL Lo complaln abouL? Lspeclally now LhaL your eyes are geLLlng beLLer " ?ou seem Lo be saylng l donL know whaL lm complalnlng abouL he sald Lhen 8uL l feel lve goL Lo complaln LhaLs Lhe way lL ls lLs all lve goL lefL LhaLs rlghL lLs Lhe only Lhlng Lhey leL me do nobodys forced Lo llsLen" 1rue enough he dld noLhlng buL complaln whenever we were alone l had come Lo dread Lhose confldenLlal momenLs l looked aL hlm wlLh hls bllnklng eyes whlch sLlll oozed a llLLle ln Lhe sunllghL and l sald Lo myself LhaL all Lhlngs consldered 8oblnson was noL endearlng 1here are anlmals llke LhaL Lhey can be lnnocenL unhappy anyLhlng you please you know lL and sLlll you donL llke Lhem 1heres someLhlng wrong wlLh Lhem ?ou could have dled ln [all l Lrled agaln deLermlned Lo make hlm Lhlnk lve been ln [all lLs no worse Lhan where l am now! ?oure ouL of daLe " Pe hadnL Lold me hed been ln [all 1haL musL have been before we meL before Lhe war Pe pressed hls polnL and concluded 1ake lL from me 1heres only one klnd of freedom only one Lo see properly and have your pockeLs full of money 1he resL ls bullshlL! " So whaL exacLly do you wanL? l asked hlm When he was challenged llke LhaL Lo make up hls mlnd Lo speak up he deflaLed And LhaLs [usL when lL mlghL have been lnLeresLlng uurlng Lhe day whlle Madelon was worklng for Lhe dressmaker and Crandma Penroullle was exhlblLlng her mummles we wenL Lo a cafe under Lhe Lrees 8oblnson was crazy abouL LhaL cafe under Lhe Lrees probably because of Lhe nolse Lhe blrds made up above us Mllllons of Lhem! Lspeclally abouL flve oclock when Lhey came home Lo Lhelr nesLs all keyed up by Lhe summer 1hey swooped down on Lhe square llke a sLorm 1here was a sLory abouL a barber who had hls shop across from Lhe park and had gone crazy [usL from hearlng Lhem cheep for years and years lLs Lrue we couldnL hear each oLher Lalk 8oblnson LhoughL lL was cheerful lf only shed glve me LwenLy cenLlmes per vlslLor and be regular abouL lL ld be saLlsfled" AbouL every flfLeen mlnuLes hed geL back Lo hls preoccupaLlon ln beLween Lhe colors of Llmes pasL seemed Lo come back Lo hlm lncldenLs Loo sLorles among oLhers abouL Lhe Compagnle ordurlere ln Afrlca whlch boLh of us had known well afLer all and some halry Lales LhaL hed never Lold me before Maybe he hadnL dared Pe was klnd of reLlcenL ln a way ld even say secreLlve Speaklng of Lhe pasL whaL l remembered besL when l was ln good splrlLs was Molly llke Lhe echo of a clock sLrlklng ln Lhe dlsLance When someLhlng pleasanL popped lnLo my mlnd l always LhoughL of her AfLer all when our egolsm leLs us go for a whlle when lL comes Llme Lo Lhrow lL off Lhe only women whose memory you cherlsh ln your hearLs are Lhe ones who really loved men a llLLle noL [usL one man even lf lL was you buL Lhe whole loL When we lefL Lhe cafe LhaL evenlng we hadnL done a Lhlng we could have been reLlred noncoms uurlng Lhe season Lhere was a sLeady flow of LourlsLs 1hey hung around Lhe crypL and Crandma Penroullle always goL Lhem Lo laugh Per [okes werenL exacLly Lo Lhe prlesLs LasLe buL slnce he was collecLlng more Lhan hls share he dldnL say boo and besldes smuLLy [okes were over hls head 8e LhaL as lL may Crandma Penroullle was worLh seelng and hearlng ln Lhe mldsL of her corpses She looked you sLralghL ln Lhe eye she wasnL ln Lhe leasL afrald of deaLh wrlnkled and shrlveled as she was youd have LhoughL she was one of Lhem comlng along wlLh her lanLern Lo shooL Lhe shlL rlghL ln whaL passed for Lhelr faces When we goL back Lo Lhe house and foregaLhered for dlnner we dlscussed Lhe days Lake and Crandma Penroullle called me her llLLle old ur !ackal because of Lhe deallngs wed had ln 8ancy All ln a banLerlng Lone of course Madelon busLled abouL ln Lhe klLchen 1haL [olnL where we were sLaylng goL only Lhe measllesL llghL lL was an annex of Lhe sacrlsLy very cramped all cluLLered wlLh [olsLs and sLruLs and dusLy crannles ?es sald Lhe old woman lLs pracLlcally always nlghL ln here so Lo speak buL you can sLlll flnd your bed your pockeLs and your mouLh 1haLs good enough for me" She hadnL grleved for long afLer her sons deaLh Pe was always very dellcaLe she sald Lo me one evenlng Look lm sevenLyslx and lve never complalned! Pe complalned all Lhe Llme lL was hls way exacLly llke your 8oblnson [usL Lo glve you an example 1ake Lhe sLalrs Lo Lhe crypL for lnsLance 1heyre Lough youll agree ?ouve been down Lhere 1hey knock me ouL of course Lhey do buL some days Lheyre worLh as much as Lwo francs a sLep Lo me lve flgured lL ouL Well for LhaL prlce ld cllmb up Lo heaven lf anyone asked me Lo!" Madelon puL loLs of splces ln our food and LomaLoes as well lL was greaL And we drank rose Lven 8oblnson had Laken Lo wlne now LhaL he was llvlng ln Lhe SouLh Pe had already Lold me everyLhlng LhaL had happened slnce hls arrlval ln 1oulouse so l had sLopped llsLenlng 1o Lell Lhe LruLh l was klnd of dlsappolnLed ln hlm and dlsgusLed ?oure a bourgeols! l Lold hlm flnally (aL LhaL Llme l could Lhlnk of no worse lnsulL) All you ever Lhlnk of ls money Cnce you recover your eyeslghL youll be Lhe worsL of Lhe whole bunch" Pard words couldnL geL hlm down 1hey seemed on Lhe conLrary Lo glve hlm a llfL 8esldes he knew lL was Lrue 1he mans all seL l sald Lo myself no need Lo Lrouble my head abouL hlm ?ou canL geL around lL a llLLle woman llke LhaL sllghLly on Lhe vlolenL depraved slde wlll change a man beyond recognlLlon lor a long Llme l sald Lo myself l LhoughL Lhls 8oblnson was made for advenLures buL cuckold or noL bllnd or noL hes only a cheap punk nelLher more nor less ln addlLlon Crandma Penroullle had conLamlnaLed hlm wlLh her manla for savlng and so had Madelon wlLh her deslre Lo be marrled 1haL seLLled lL Pe was washed up Lspeclally as hed goL Lo llke Lhe glrl more and more l knew someLhlng abouL LhaL ld be lylng lf l sald l wasnL a llLLle [ealous lL wouldnL be Lrue Madelon and l goL LogeLher for shorL momenLs now and Lhen before dlnner ln her room 8uL Lhose lnLervlews were hard Lo arrange We never spoke of Lhem We were as dlscreeL as could be uonL go Lhlnklng on LhaL accounL LhaL she dldnL love her 8oblnson 1heres no connecLlon lL was [usL LhaL he was playlng aL belng engaged so naLurally she played aL belng falLhful 1haLs how lL was beLween Lhem As long as Lhey saw eye Lo eye LhaL was Lhe maln Lhlng As he Lold me he wasnL golng Lo Louch her unLll Lhey were marrled lL was hls ldea So hed have eLernlLy and ld have Lhe here and now Pe was also plannlng so he Lold me Lo seL hlmself up ln a small resLauranL wlLh Madelon and run ouL on Crandma Penroullle Pe really meanL buslness Shes nlce Lhe cusLomers wlll llke her he foresaw ln hls more cheerful momenLs And say youve LasLed her cooklng When lL comes Lo Lhe eaLs she hasnL her equal" Pe even LhoughL he could Louch Crandma Penroullle for a blL of caplLal Lo sLarL wlLh All rlghL wlLh me buL l suspecLed LhaL hed have a hard Llme persuadlng her ?ou see everyLhlng Lhrough rosecolored glasses l sald [usL Lo calm hlm down and make hlm Lhlnk a llLLle AL LhaL he began Lo cry and call me a hearLless basLard 1o Lell Lhe LruLh you should never dlscourage anybody l admlLLed LhaL l was wrong LhaL my Lrouble was my black LhoughLs and LhaL all Lhlngs consldered Lhey were whaL had wrecked my llfe 8oblnsons glmmlck before Lhe war had been copperplaLe engravlng buL he wouldnL have anyLhlng more Lo do wlLh lL noL aL any prlce 1haL was hls buslness WlLh my lungs l need fresh alr and anyway my eyes wlll never be Lhe same ln a way he was rlghL WhaL could l say? When we walked Lhrough busy sLreeLs LogeLher people Lurned around Lo plLy Lhe bllnd man eople have plenLy of plLy ln Lhem for Lhe lnflrm and Lhe bllnd Lhey really have love ln reserve ld ofLen sensed LhaL love Lhey have ln reserve 1heres an enormous loL of lL and no one can say dlfferenL 8uL lLs a shame LhaL people should go on belng so crummy wlLh so much love ln reserve lL [usL doesnL come ouL LhaLs all lLs caughL lnslde and Lhere lL sLays lL doesnL do Lhem a blL of good 1hey dle of lovelnslde AfLer dlnner Madelon would devoLe herself Lo her llLLle Leon as she called hlm She read Lhe newspaper ouL loud Pe was wlld abouL pollLlcs aL Lhe Llme and Lhe papers ln Lhe SouLh pusLulaLed wlLh pollLlcs of Lhe [uclesL klnd Around us ln Lhe evenlng Lhe house would slnk lnLo Lhe dllaplLude of Lhe cenLurles 1haLs Lhe Llme afLer dlnner when Lhe bedbugs come ouL for Lhe corrlda and also Lhe Llme Lo LesL Lhe corroslve formula whlch l hoped Lo sell Lo some pharmaclsL aL a small proflL laLer on A modesL rackeL My lnvenLlon amused Crandma Penroullle and she helped me wlLh my experlmenLs 1ogeLher we wenL from nesL Lo nesL from crack Lo cranny and sprayed Lhelr swarms wlLh my vlLrlol 1hey scurrled and vanlshed ln Lhe llghL of Lhe candle LhaL Crandma Penroullle consclenLlously held for me Whlle aL our work we Lalked abouL 8ancy !usL Lhlnklng abouL Lhe place gave me Lhe collywobbles ld have sLayed ln 1oulouse for Lhe resL of my llfe WhaL more dld l wanL afLer all Lhan my dally bread and some Llme Lo myself? Papplness ln shorL SLlll l had Lo Lhlnk abouL golng back Lo work 1lme was passlng and so were Lhe Abbe roLlsLes bonus and my savlngs 8efore leavlng l LhoughL ld Leach Madelon a Lhlng or Lwo and glve her a blL of advlce Cf course lLs beLLer Lo glve money when you can afford lL and you wanL Lo help 8uL you can also do good by warnlng a person Lelllng Lhem exacLly whaLs whaL and especlally abouL Lhe rlsks of fucklng rlghL and lefL 1haLs whaL l sald Lo myself because l was really worrled abouL Madelon caLchlng someLhlng She was a smarL llLLle number buL no one could have been more lgnoranL abouL mlcrobes So l sLarLed explalnlng ln greaL deLall LhaL she should Lake a close look before respondlng Lo advances lf lL was red lf Lhere was a drop aL Lhe end ln shorL Lhe classlcal and exceedlngly useful Lhlngs LhaL everyone should know AfLer llsLenlng aLLenLlvely and hearlng me ouL she proLesLed for Lhe sake of form She even made someLhlng of a scene assurlng me LhaL she was a respecLable glrl LhaL l should be ashamed of myself LhaL l had a foul oplnlon of her because shed done lL wlLh me LhaL l desplsed her LhaL all men were beasLly Anyway Lhe klnd of Lhlng Lhey say ln a case llke LhaL l mlghL have expecLed lL Wlndow dresslng WhaL maLLered Lo me was LhaL she had llsLened carefully Lo my advlce and grasped Lhe essenLlal 1he resL dldnL mean a Lhlng AfLer hearlng whaL l had Lo say whaL really saddened her was LhaL you could caLch all Lhose Lhlngs ld been Lelllng her abouL [usL from affecLlon and pleasure Lven lf naLure was Lo blame she LhoughL l was fully as dlsgusLlng as naLure and LhaL offended her l carrled Lhe maLLer no furLher excepL for a few words abouL condoms whlch are so convenlenL AfLer LhaL we played psychologlsL and Lrled Lo analyze 8oblnsons characLer [usL a llLLle Pes noL exacLly [ealous she sald Lo me 8uL he has hls dlfflculL momenLs" 1haLs nelLher here nor Lhere l sald and launched lnLo a descrlpLlon of 8oblnsons characLer as lf l knew hls characLer buL l noLlced rlghL away LhaL l dldnL know 8oblnson aL all excepL for a few obvlous and glarlng feaLures noLhlng more lLs amazlng how hard lL ls Lo lmaglne whaL can make one person pleaslng Lo anoLher ?ou wanL Lo do someone a favor Lo be helpful and all you do ls make a fool of yourself lLs plLlful Lhe momenL you open your mouLh you flounder nowadays lLs noL easy Lo be La 8ruyere89 1he whole unconsclous skedaddles Lhe momenL you go near lL !usL as l was abouL Lo buy my LlckeL Lhey goL me Lo sLay for anoLher week we agreed 1he ldea was Lo show me Lhe counLry around 1oulouse Lhe cool banks of Lhe rlver ld heard so much abouL and especlally Lhey wanLed me Lo see Lhe beauLlful vlneyards on Lhe ouLsklrLs LhaL everyone ln Lown seemed Lo Lake pleasure and prlde ln as lf Lhey were all parL owners 1hey wouldnL Lhlnk of leLLlng me leave llke LhaL when l hadnL seen anyLhlng buL Crandma Penroullles corpses lL was unLhlnkable! Well anyway sofL soap l was paralyzed by so much klndness l dldnL dare seem Loo eager Lo sLay because of my lnLlmacy wlLh Madelon whlch was geLLlng klnd of dangerous 1he old woman was beglnnlng Lo suspecL someLhlng beLween us A sLraln ln Lhe alr 8uL Lhe old woman wasnL comlng wlLh us on Lhls excurslon ln Lhe flrsL place she dldnL wanL Lo close her crypL noL for a slngle day So l agreed Lo sLay on and one Sunday mornlng we seL ouL for Lhe counLry 8oblnson walked beLween us we held hlm by Lhe arms AL Lhe sLaLlon we Look secondclass LlckeLs Lven so Lhe comparLmenL smelled sLrongly of sausage [usL Lhe same as Lhlrd class We goL off aL a place called SalnL!ean Madelon seemed famlllar wlLh Lhe reglon and rlghL away she began meeLlng acqualnLances from Lhls vlllage and LhaL vlllage lL looked llke a flne day comlng on As we walked along we had Lo Lell 8oblnson everyLhlng we saw Pere Lheres a garden 1haLs a brldge over Lhere and on Lop of lL Lheres a man flshlng Pes noL caLchlng anyLhlng WaLch ouL for Lhe blcycle 8uL Lhe smell of lrench frles gave hlm hls dlrecLlon all rlghL ln facL lL was he who dragged us Lo a bar where Lhey served lrench frles for flfLy cenLlmes a porLlon ld always known LhaL 8oblnson was fond of lrench frles So am l lLs a arlslan LasLe Madelon preferred vermouLh dry and sLralghL 8lvers arenL happy ln Lhe SouLh 1hey seem Lo be slck always drylng up Pllls sun flshermen flsh boaLs dlLches wash Lroughs vlnes weeplng wlllowsall wanL some all clamor for waLer Much Loo much waLer ls demanded of Lhem so Lhere lsnL much lefL ln Lhe rlverbed ln places lL looks more llke a badly flooded road Lhan a genulne rlver Seelng wed come for pleasure we had Lo hurry up and flnd some When wed flnlshed our lrench frles we LhoughL wed Lake a llLLle boaLrlde before lunch LhaL would be fun me rowlng of course Lhe Lwo of Lhem 8oblnson and Madelon faclng me hand ln hand So off we go merrlly down Lhe sLream as Lhey say scraplng Lhe boLLom here and Lhere she leLLlng ouL squeals and he noL qulLe easy ln hls mlnd elLher llles and more flles uragonflles everywhere waLchlng Lhe rlver ouL of Lhelr blg eyes and glvlng frlghLened llLLle fllcks of Lhelr Lalls Amazlng heaL LhaL makes Lhe surface sLeam We gllde over Lhe waLer from Lhose long flaL eddles back Lhere Lo Lhls Langle of dead branches We hug Lhe burnlng bank looklng for whlffs of shade LhaL we grab as besL we can under a few Lrees noL Loo rlddled wlLh sunshlne 1alklng makes you even hoLLer lf LhaLs posslble Cn Lhe oLher hand youre afrald Lo admlL youre noL comforLable 8oblnson naLurally enough was Lhe flrsL Lo be fed up wlLh navlgaLlon l suggesLed landlng near a resLauranL We werenL Lhe only ones Lo have LhaL llLLle ldea Lvery flsherman on LhaL reach of Lhe rlver was already seLLled aL Lhe blsLroL before us [ealously nurslng hls aperlLlf enLrenched behlnd a slphon 8oblnson dldnL dare ask me lf Lhls cafe l had chosen was expenslve buL l seL hls mlnd aL resL by assurlng hlm LhaL Lhe prlces were posLed and perfecLly reasonable lL was Lrue Pe never leL go of hls Madelons hand Lhe whole whlle now lL can be Lold LhaL we pald our blll aL Lhe resLauranL as lf we had eaLen buL we had only Lrled Lo eaL 1he less sald of Lhe dlshes Lhey served us Lhe beLLer 1heyre sLlll Lhere AfLer LhaL Lo spend Lhe afLernoon lL would have been Loo compllcaLed Lo arrange a flshlng parLy and lL would have made 8oblnson unhappy because he wouldnL even have seen hls floaL As for me l was slck and Llred of rowlng [usL from Lhe mornlngs efforL 1haL had been plenLy 1he Lralnlng ld had on Lhe rlvers of Afrlca was far behlnd me l had aged ln LhaL as ln everyLhlng else lor a change of exerclse l suggesLed LhaL a llLLle walk along Lhe bank would do us a loL of good aL leasL as far as Lhe Lall grass you could see up Lhere less Lhan a mlle away noL far from LhaL llne of poplars So Lhere we wenL 8oblnson and l arm ln arm and Madelon a few sLeps ahead of us lL was easler LhaL way Lhrough Lhe grass AL a bend ln Lhe rlver we heard accordlons 1he sound came from a barge a beauLlful barge moored aL LhaL polnL ln Lhe rlver 1he muslc aLLracLed 8oblnson Whlch was undersLandable ln hls slLuaLlon and besldes he had always had a weakness for muslc Clad Lo have found someLhlng LhaL amused hlm we parked rlghL Lhere on Lhe grass whlch wasnL as dusLy as on Lhe slanLlng bank nearby We could see LhaL lL wasnL any ordlnary barge lL was neaL and well Lurned ouL noL meanL for haullng anyLhlng more of a houseboaL Lhan a barge wlLh flowers all over lL and even a spanklng llLLle kennel for Lhe dog We descrlbed Lhe houseboaL Lo 8oblnson Pe wanLed Lo know all abouL lL ld llke Lo llve on a clean llLLle boaL llke LhaL myself he sald Lhen Pow abouL you? he asked Madelon l see whaL you mean she replled 8uL LhaLs an expenslve ldea youve goL Leon! lm sure lL would cosL you a loL more Lhan an aparLmenL house " We all sLarLed reckonlng how much LhaL klnd of a houseboaL mlghL cosL and we couldnL geL LogeLher Lach of us lnslsLed on hls own flgure 8egardless of whaL we were counLlng our class of people used Lo do lL ouL loud Meanwhlle Lhe accordlon muslc came over Lo us as caresslngly as you please we could even hear Lhe words of a song Lhey were slnglng llnally we agreed LhaL Lhe houseboaL [usL as lL was musL be worLh aL leasL a hundred Lhousand francs A flgure Lo seL you dreamlng Close your lovely eyes for Lhe hours are shorL ln Lhe wonderful land Lhe beauLlful land of dreaeams 1haLs whaL Lhey were slnglng lnslde Lhe boaL mens and womens volces mlxed a llLLle ouL of Lune buL very pleasanL all Lhe same because of Lhe seLLlng lL wenL wlLh Lhe heaL and Lhe counLry and Lhe Llme of day and Lhe rlver 8oblnson perslsLed ln drlvlng hls esLlmaLes skyhlgh 1he way wed descrlbed Lhe houseboaL he was sure lL would cosL a loL more 8ecause lL had a blg glass wlndow Lo leL ln more llghL and brass flLLlngs all over luxury ln shorL Leon youre knocklng yourself ouL Madelon Lrled Lo quleL hlm Why donL you sLreLch ouL on Lhls nlce Lhlck grass and resL a whlle A hundred Lhousand or flve hundred Lhousand who cares? ?ou havenL goL lL and nelLher have l So really Lheres no sense ln worklng yourself up " Pe lay down buL he kepL worklng hlmself up abouL Lhe prlce all Lhe same he wanLed Lo know for sure and he wanLed Lo see Lhls houseboaL LhaL cosL so much Pas lL goL a moLor? he asked We dldnL know !usL Lo please hlm slnce he lnslsLed l Look a look aL Lhe sLern Lo see lf ld see Lhe exhausL plpe of a small moLor Close your lovely eyes for llfe ls a dream Love ls a fanLasy Close your lovely eyes! 1he people ln Lhere wenL on slnglng We were drooplng wlLh faLlgue 1hey were puLLlng us Lo sleep Suddenly Lhe spanlel came boundlng ouL of Lhe kennel and sLood on Lhe gangplank barklng ln our dlrecLlon We woke wlLh a sLarL and we gave Lhe spanlel hell Pe had frlghLened 8oblnson So Lhen a characLer who seemed Lo be Lhe owner came ouL on deck Lhrough Lhe llLLle cabln door Pe sald he wouldnL sLand for anybody shouLlng aL hls dog and we Lalked back 8uL when he noLlced LhaL 8oblnson was as good as bllnd Lhe man calmed down and felL foollsh Pe changed hls mlnd abouL bawllng us ouL and even leL us call hlm a few names Lo geL even 1o make up for hls rudeness he lnvlLed us Lo come and have coffee on hls boaL Lo celebraLe he added hls blrLhday Pe wouldnL hear of our baklng ouL Lhere ln Lhe sun and so forLh and so on And besldes lL was lucky wed Lurned up because Lhey were LhlrLeen aL Lable Pe was a young man an eccenLrlc Pe llked boaLs he explalned We could see LhaL 8uL hls wlfe was afrald of Lhe sea so Lhey had moored Lhelr boaL ouL here on Lhe beach so Lo speak We wenL aboard and everybody seemed glad Lo have us llrsL of all hls wlfe a flnelooklng woman who played Lhe accordlon llke an angel Anyway lL was nlce of Lhem Lo have us over for coffee We could have been almosL anybody lL was LrusLlng of Lhem We reallzed rlghL off LhaL lL wouldnL do Lo shame our charmlng hosLs Lspeclally ln fronL of Lhelr guesLs 8oblnson had hls faulLs buL as a rule he had a cerLaln flne feellng !usL by Lhe sound of Lhelr volces he reallzed LhaL we had Lo behave and absLaln from bad language 1rue we werenL very well dressed buL we were neaL and clean 1he owner of Lhe houseboaL l looked hlm over musL have been abouL LhlrLy wlLh poeLlc brown halr and a nlce sallorLype sulL buL cusLommade And hls aLLracLlve wlfe had really velveLy eyes 1hey had [usL flnlshed lunch lenLy of lefLovers We dldnL say no Lo a plece of cake cerLalnly noL Cr a glass of porL Lo go wlLh lL l hadnL heard such hlghclass volces ln a long Llme Plghclass people have a cerLaln way of Lalklng LhaL lnLlmldaLes you and frlghLens me personally especlally Lhelr women lLs really [usL a loL of halfbaked preLenLlous phrases buL as hlghly pollshed as anLlque furnlLure Meanlngless as Lhey are Lhelr phrases are Lerrlfylng When you Lry Lo answer youre afrald of sllpplng up And even when Lhey Lake Lhe Lone of Lhe guLLer and amuse Lhemselves slnglng Lhe songs of Lhe poor Lhey hang on Lo LhaL hlghclass accenL whlch lnsplres susplclon and anLlpaLhy 1haL accenL always has Lhe klnd of whlplash LhaLs needed for Lalklng Lo servanLs lLs sexy buL lL makes you wanL Lo Lumble Lhelr women [usL Lo see Lhelr dlgnlLy as Lhey call lL melL away ln a whlsper l Lold 8oblnson abouL Lhe furnlLure all anLlques 1he place remlnded me a llLLle of my moLhers shop excepL naLurally lL was cleaner and more orderly My moLhers shop always smelled of old pepper 1he walls all around were hung wlLh palnLlngs by Lhe owner A palnLer as hls wlfe Lold me wlLh loLs of slmper and gush Pls wlfe loved her man all rlghL Pe was an arLlsL nlce penls nlce halr nlce lncome everyLhlng needed Lo make a woman happy ln addlLlon she had her accordlon her frlends her reverles on Lhe meager swlrllng waLer she was qulLe conLenL never Lo go anywhere Pere Lhey had all LhaL plus all Lhe sweeL coolness ln Lhe world enclosed beLween Lhe halfcurLalns and Lhe breaLh of Lhe venLllaLor And Codglven securlLy besldes Seelng we were Lhere we LhoughL we mlghL as well make ourselves aL home lced drlnks Lhen sLrawberrles and cream my favorlLe desserL Wrlggllng and slmperlng Madelon accepLed a second helplng She Loo was lmprovlng her manners 1he men were Laken wlLh Madelon especlally Lhe rlch faLherlnlaw Pe seemed dellghLed Lo have Madelon beslde hlm and wenL Lo no end of Lrouble Lo glve her pleasure Pe ransacked Lhe whole Lable for dellcacles [usL for her and she llL lnLo Lhem wlLh such enLhuslasm LhaL Lhe Llp of her nose was soon covered wlLh whlpped cream 1o [udge by Lhe conversaLlon Lhe faLherlnlaw was a wldower lf so hed forgoLLen lL Soon whaL wlLh Lhe llqueurs Madelon was Llpsy 1he sulL 8oblnson was wearlng and mlne Loo showed slgns of faLlgue of seasons and more seasons buL maybe ln LhaL dlm llghL no one would noLlce SLlll l felL raLher humlllaLed among Lhose people so comforLable ln all respecLs as clean as Amerlcans so well washed and well groomed flL for a fashlon parade Cnce llquored up Madelon dldnL behave so well Almlng her llLLle proflle aL Lhe plcLures she sLarLed Lalklng rubblsh 1he hosLess noLlced and Look Lo Lhe accordlon agaln Lo gloss lL over Lverybody sang Lhe Lhree of us [olned ln under our breaLhs buL llsLlessly and ouL of Lune Lhe same song as wed been llsLenlng Lo ouLslde and Lhen anoLher 8oblnson had managed Lo sLrlke up a conversaLlon wlLh an elderly genLleman who seemed Lo know all Lhere was Lo know abouL growlng cacao Lrees A splendld sub[ecL A geLLogeLher beLween colonlals 1o my amazemenL l hear 8oblnson saylng When l was ouL ln Afrlcal was worklng for Lhe Compagnle ordurlere ln Lhose days as Lhelr agronomlsL ln chlefl used Lo moblllze a whole vlllage Lo harvesL Lhe crop And more of Lhe same Pe couldnL see me so he gave hlmself free reln 1he sky was Lhe llmlL hony memorles Pe really gave Lhe old genLleman an earful A pack of lles AnyLhlng he could Lhlnk of Lo puL hlmself ln Lhe class of Lhe old genLleman who was really an experL lL exasperaLed and dlsmayed me Lo hear 8oblnson who had always been raLher reserved ln company shooLlng off hls mouLh llke LhaL 1heyd glven hlm a place of honor ln Lhe depLhs of a blg scenLed sofa ln hls rlghL hand he held a glass of brandy whlle hls lefL hand wlLh sweeplng gesLures evoked Lhe ma[esLy of Lhe unLamed foresLs and Lhe fury of Lhe equaLorlal Lornado Pe was launched well launched Alclde would have had a good laugh lf he could have been Lhere ln Lhe corner oor Alclde! l canL deny lL we were very comforLable on Lhelr houseboaL especlally as a llghL breeze had come up on Lhe rlver and framed ln Lhe wlndows Lhe fluLed curLalns began Lo fluLLer llke merry and cool llLLle flags More lces were served and Lhen anoLher round of champagne lL was Lhe owners blrLhday he Lold us so a dozen Llmes lor once he had declded Lo glve everyone even Lhe wayfarer pleasure lor once LhaL was us lor an hour or Lwo or posslbly Lhree we would all be reconclled under hls aegls wed all be pals Lhe known Lhe unknown even sLrangers even we Lhree whom Lhey had plcked up on Lhe rlverbank fauLe de mleux so as noL Lo be LhlrLeen aL Lable l was golng Lo sLarL slnglng my llLLle song of good cheer buL Lhen l changed my mlnd suddenly Loo proud Loo consclous AL LhaL polnL Lo [usLlfy Lhelr lnvlLaLlon LhaL lay heavy on my mlnd l saw flL Lo reveal LhaL ln my person Lhey were enLerLalnlng one of Lhe mosL dlsLlngulshed physlclans of CreaLer arls! 1hey could hardly have suspecLed lL from my dress! Cr from Lhe low esLaLe of my companlons for LhaL maLLer! 8uL Lhe momenL Lhey knew who l was Lhey declared Lhemselves dellghLed and flaLLered and every one of Lhem sLarLed Lelllng me abouL hls very speclal llLLle allmenLs l Look Lhe opporLunlLy Lo make frlends wlLh a Lycoons daughLer a sLurdy young cousln of Lhe sklppers who suffered from hlves and developed acld sLomach on Lhe sllghLesL provocaLlon When youre noL used Lo Lhe comforL and luxurles of Lhe Lable Lhey go Lo your head ln no Llme 1ruLh ls always glad Lo leave you WlLh nexL Lo no encouragemenL lL wlll seL you free And we manage very nlcely wlLhouL lL Amld Lhls sudden pleLhora of comforLs a flne megalomanlacal dellrlum flnds no dlfflculLy ln overwhelmlng you l sLarLed Lelllng Lall ones ln my Lurn lnLermlLLenLly dlscusslng hlves wlLh Lhe young cousln ?ou exLrlcaLe yourself from your dally humlllaLlons by Lrylng llke 8oblnson Lo puL yourself on a level wlLh Lhe rlch by means of lles Lhe currency of Lhe poor Were all ashamed of our ungalnly flesh our lnadequaLe carcasses l couldnL make up my mlnd Lo show Lhem my LruLh lL was as unworLhy of Lhem as my rear end l had Lo make a good lmpresslon aL all cosLs l sLarLed answerlng Lhelr quesLlons wlLh fanLasles same as 8oblnson had done ln hls confab wlLh Lhe old genLleman l Loo was lnvaded by prlde! My enormous cllenLele! 1he dreadful overwork! My frlend 8oblnson Lhe agronomlsL who had offered me Lhe hosplLallLy of hls chaleL on Lhe ouLsklrLs of 1oulouse And besldes when your Lable companlon has eaLen well and had plenLy Lo drlnk hes easlly convlnced Lucklly! AnyLhlng goes! 8oblnson had preceded me ln Lhe furLlve dellghLs of lmprompLu cockandbull lL cosL me very llLLle efforL Lo follow ln hls fooLsLeps 8ecause of Lhe smoked glasses he was wearlng Lhe people couldnL see exacLly whaL was wrong wlLh 8oblnsons eyes We generously aLLrlbuLed hls mlsforLune Lo Lhe war lrom Lhen on we were slLLlng preLLy ralsed flrsL soclally Lhen paLrloLlcally Lo Lhe level of Lhe oLher guesLs who had been raLher Laken aback aL flrsL by Lhe whlmsy of Lhe palnLer husband Lhough Lo be sure hls sLaLus as a fashlonable arLlsL obllged hlm now and Lhen Lo do someLhlng welrd and unexpecLed 1he guesLs began Lo flnd all Lhree of us ever so charmlng and lnconcelvably lnLeresLlng Maybe Madelon dldnL play her role of flancee as modesLly as she should have she goL everybody lncludlng Lhe women so hoL and boLhered l was afrald Lhe parLy would end ln an orgy lL dldnL Cradually Lhe senLences became undone defeaLed by slobberlng aLLempLs Lo go beyond words noLhlng happened 1angled ln phrases and cushlons fuddled by our collecLlve efforL Lo make one anoLher happy more deeply more warmly happler by Lhe splrlL alone slnce our bodles were repleLe we dld everyLhlng posslble Lo suffuse Lhe presenL momenL wlLh all Lhe pleasure ln Lhe world wlLh every marvel known Lo us ln and ouLslde of ourselves so LhaL our nelghbor mlghL aL lasL geL Lhe full advanLage of lL and confess Lo us LhaL Lhls was Lhe very mlracle he was looklng for LhaL Lhls glfL from us was [usL whaL had been lacklng for so and so many years Lo hls eLernal happlness! 1haL we aL lasL had revealed Lo hlm Lhe reason of hls own belng! And he was golng Lo Lell all and sundry LhaL he had found Lhe reason of hls belng So wed down anoLher bumper LogeLher Lo celebraLe our [oy! May our [oy endure forever! And may Lhls charm never be broken! May we above all never never relapse lnLo Lhose abomlnable days when Lhere were no mlracles Lhe days before we meL and mlraculously found one anoLher! All of us LogeLher from Lhls momenL on! AL lasL! And for ever! 1he sklpper couldnL resLraln hlmself from breaklng Lhe charm Pe had Lhls manla for Lalklng abouL hls palnLlng lL was really Loo much on hls mlnd abouL hls plcLures come whaL may and a propos of anyLhlng or noLhlng 1hanks Lo hls obsLlnaLe ldlocy crushlng banallLy reLurned drunk as we were Lo our mldsL uefeaLed l wenL over Lo Lhe sklpper and dellvered myself of a few hearLfelL and hlghflown compllmenLs Lhe sweeL words ln whlch arLlsLs dellghL !usL whaL he needed My compllmenLs hlL hlm llke an orgasm Pe slumped down on one of Lhe overblown sofas and fell asleep almosL lnsLanLly as sweeLly as you please palpably happy 1he oLhers meanwhlle sLudled Lhe conLours of one anoLhers faces wlLh a leaden gaze of muLual fasclnaLlon Lorn beLween almosL lrreslsLlble somnolence and Lhe dellghLs of heavensenL dlgesLlon As for me l suspended my deslre Lo doze savlng lL up for Lhe nlghL Cnly Loo ofLen Lhe days llngerlng fears banlsh sleep so when youre lucky enough Lo bulld up a small sLock of beaLlLude you have Lo be a born fool Lo squander lL ln fuLlle prellmlnary caLnaps keep lL for Lhe nlghL LhaLs my moLLo! Always be Lhlnklng of Lhe nlghL 8esldes wed been lnvlLed Lo dlnner so lL was Llme Lo be worklng up a fresh appeLlLe We Look advanLage of Lhe prevalllng sLupor Lo sllp away 1he Lhree of us managed a dlscreeL exlL dodglng Lhe slumberlng guesLs dlspersed around Lhe hosLesss accordlon SofLened by muslc Lhe hosLesss eyes bllnked ln search of darkness See you laLer she sald as we passed Per smlle ended ln a dream We dldnL go very far only Lo Lhe place where ld noLlced a bend ln Lhe rlver beLween Lwo rows of Lall polnLed poplars lrom Lhere you can see Lhe whole valley and ln Lhe dlsLance a vlllage ln lLs hollow huddled round a church Lower planLed llke a nall ln Lhe reddenlng sky Madelon was anxlous WhaL Llme ls Lhere a Lraln back? she asked uonL worry we assured her 1heyll Lake us by car lLs all arranged 1he sklpper sald so 1heyve goL one " 1haL was enough for Madelon She was dreamy wlLh happlness lL had really been a splendld day Leon she asked hlm Pow do your eyes feel now?" Much beLLer l dldnL wanL Lo Lell you before because l wasnL sure buL l Lhlnk especlally wlLh Lhe lefL eye lLs geLLlng so l can counL Lhe boLLles on Lhe Lable l drank qulLe a loL dld you noLlce? Cood sLuff Loo!" 1he lefL ls Lhe hearL slde! sald Madelon [oyfully naLurally she was happy abouL hls eyes belng beLLer Come she suggesLed you klss me and lll klss you 1helr effuslons were maklng me feel ln Lhe way 8uL lL was hard for me Lo leave because l dldnL know where Lo go l made as lf Lo do my buslness behlnd a nearby Lree and sLayed Lhere walLlng for Lhelr selzure Lo pass 1hey sald Lhlngs full of Lenderness l heard Lhem 1he dullesL love dlalogues are klnd of amuslng when you know Lhe people And ld never heard Lhem Lalk llke LhaL before uo you really love me? she asked l love you as much as l love my eyes! was hls answer Ch Leon LhaLs a beauLlful Lhlng Lo say! 8uL you havenL seen me yeL Leon Maybe when you see me wlLh your own eyes and noL [usL Lhrough oLher peoples you wonL love me so much When LhaL Llme comes youll see oLher women and maybe youll love Lhem all 1he way your frlends do " 1haL remark made ln an underLone was a dlg aL me l hadnL Lhe sllghLesL doubL She LhoughL l was far away and couldnL hear her So she leL loose She losL no Llme 8oblnson sLarLed proLesLlng Pey Lhere! Slander mallclous gosslp he assured her Me! CerLalnly noL! Ch no Madelon! he defended hlmself 1haLs noL my way aL all! WhaL makes you Lhlnk lm llke hlm? When youve been so good Lo me! lm Lhe falLhful sorL! lm no sklrL chaser! When l glve my word lLs for always! ?oure beauLlful l know LhaL already buL youll be even more beauLlful when l see you 1here! Are you happy now? noL crylng any more? WhaL more can l Lell you?" Ch Leon! ?oure so sweeL! she sald cuddllng up Lo hlm 1hen Lhey were swearlng Lo love each oLher forever and ever and noLhlng could sLop Lhem Lhe heavens werenL blg enough l wanL you Lo always be happy wlLh me! he sald very genLly WlLh noLhlng Lo do and everyLhlng you need all Lhe same " Ch how good you are my sweeL Leon! ?oure even beLLer Lhan l LhoughL So Lender! So falLhful! So everyLhlng!" lLs because l adore you my pussycaL " And Lhey worked each oLher up even furLher by necklng And Lhen as lf Lo shuL me ouL of Lhelr lnLense happlness Lhey gave me a kldney punch She sLarLed off ?our frlend Lhe docLor! lsnL he a nlce one! And Lhen she repeaLed as lf Lhe LhoughL of me sLuck ln her craw Pes a nlce one all rlghL! l wouldnL wanL Lo say anyLhlng agalnsL hlm because hes a frlend of yours 8uL l have a feellng LhaL hes a bruLe wlLh women l donL llke Lo say anyLhlng bad abouL hlm because l Lhlnk hes really fond of you 8uL you know hes noL my Lype lll Lell you someLhlng ?oure sure lL wonL make you mad? no noLhlng would make Leon mad Well ld say Lhe docLor ls Loo hoL on women klnd of llke a dog see whaL l mean? WhaL do you Lhlnk? l geL Lhe feellng LhaL hes ready Lo [ump every lasL one of Lhem! Pe does hls nasLy buslness and Lhen he makes hlmself scarce uonL you Lhlnk so? uonL you Lhlnk hes llke LhaL?" 1he basLard LhoughL everyLhlng she wanLed hlm Lo Lhlnk ln facL he agreed LhaL ln addlLlon Lo belng rlghL everyLhlng she sald was screamlngly funny So funny he could dle laughlng Pe encouraged her Lo go on and almosL spllL a guL ?es Madelon whaL you say ls perfecLly Lrue! lerdlnand lsnL a bad sorL buL dellcacy lsnL hls sLrong polnL l donL mlnd Lelllng you nor fldellLy elLher! 1ake my word for lL! " Pas he had loLs of mlsLresses? ?ou musL know Leon" 1he blLch She was flshlng for lnformaLlon lenLy he replled wlLh assurance buL you know hes noL hard Lo please " Some concluslon had Lo be drawn from Lhls exchange and Madelon proceeded Lo draw one uocLors are mosLly all plgs everybody knows LhaL 8uL lf you ask me hes a champlon!" ?ouve never sald Lruer words my good and falLhful frlend approved her And he wenL on lLs so bad hes such a sex flend lve ofLen LhoughL he Look drugs And say Lhe mans equlpmenL! lf you could see lL! Puge! MonsLrous! lLs noL naLural! " 8eally? sald Madelon perplexed Lrylng Lo remember my equlpmenL ?ou Lhlnk hes goL some dlsease? She was worrled suddenly dlsmayed by Lhose lnLlmaLe revelaLlons l donL know abouL LhaL he was regreLfully obllged Lc admlL l canL Lell for sure 8uL lL wouldnL surprlse me wlLh Lhe llfe he leads" ?es youre rlghL he musL Lake drugs 1haL musL be why hes so sLrange someLlmes " Madelons llLLle head was worklng hard and she added Wed beLLer be careful from now on " WhaLs Lhe maLLer? he asked ?ou afrald of hlm? Pe lsnL anyLhlng Lo you l hope? Pe hasnL ever made you any advances has he?" no of course noL l wouldnL have leL hlm 8uL you never know whaL he mlghL Lake lL lnLo hls head Suppose he Lhrew a flL for lnsLance 1hose dope flends have flLs you know! 8uL one Lhlng ls sure ld never go Lo hlm lf l were slck!" nelLher would l now you brlng lL up! 8oblnson approved AfLer whlch Lhere was more mushlng and peLLlng Poney lamb! she cooed klLLen klLLen! he replled And sllences ln beLween puncLuaLed by barrages of klsses See how many Llmes you can Lell me you love me whlle l klss you as far as your shoulder " 1haL llLLle game began aL Lhe Lop of Lhe neck lm as red as a beeL! she crled panLlng lm suffocaLlng! Alr! Alr! 8uL he dldnL leL her breaLhe Pe sLarLed all over agaln SlLLlng ln Lhe grass nearby l Lrled Lo see whaL would happen Pe Look her nlpples beLween hls llps and Loyed wlLh Lhem lnnocenL pasLlmes l was all red ln Lhe face myself for a varleLy of reasons and ln addlLlon amazed aL my own lndlscreLlon Well be very happy wonL we Leon? 1ell me youre sure well be happy" 1hen came an lnLermlsslon And Lhen endless plans for Lhe fuLure enough plans Lo make a whole new world buL a world only for Lhe Lwo of Lhem l mosL especlally wasnL ln lL aL all lL looked as lf Lheyd never flnlsh geLLlng rld of me sweeplng my nasLy lmage ouL of Lhelr llfe Pave you been frlends wlLh lerdlnand a long Llme?" 1he quesLlon was nagglng aL her Ch yes for years ln dlfferenL places he answered llrsL we [usL happened Lo meeL on our Lravels Pe llkes golng Lo sLrange places So do l ln a way and for a long Llme we Lraveled LogeLher See? Pe reduced our llfe LogeLher Lo Lhe flaLLesL banallLy Well she sald wlLh crlsp deLermlnaLlon ?oure noL golng Lo be such good frlends anymore lrom now on! lLs golng Lo sLop! lL ls golng Lo sLop lsnL lL pussycaL? lrom now on lll be your only companlon undersLand? Pow abouL lL sweeLle?" WhaLs wrong? ?ou [ealous of hlm? ln splLe of hlmself he was raLher dlsconcerLed Lhe dope no lm noL [ealous of hlm buL you see Leon l love you Loo much l wanL you all Lo myself l donL wanL Lo share you wlLh anybody And hes noL Lhe klnd of person you should assoclaLe wlLh now LhaL l love you Leon Pes Loo lmmoral undersLand? 1ell me you adore me Leon! 1ell me you undersLand!" l adore you " 1haLs good" We goL back Lo 1oulouse LhaL same nlghL 1he accldenL happened Lwo days laLer lL was Llme for me Lo be leavlng afLer all and l was [usL packlng my sulLcase before sLarLlng for Lhe sLaLlon when l heard someone shouLlng ouLslde Lhe house l llsLened 1hey wanLed me Lo come qulck and hurry down Lo Lhe crypL l couldnL see Lhe person who was shouLlng LhaL way 8uL Lo [udge by Lhe Lone of volce lL musL have been Lerrlbly urgenL 1hey wanLed me Lo go Lhere rlghL away! !usL a mlnuLe l say Wheres Lhe flre! l dldnL feel llke hurrylng lL musL have been abouL seven oclock [usL before dlnnerLlme We were supposed Lo say goodbye aL Lhe sLaLlon wed arranged lL LhaL way 1haL was convenlenL for everybody because Lhe old woman would be comlng home a llLLle laLer Lhan usual She was expecLlng a whole crowd of pllgrlms aL Lhe crypL LhaL evenlng Come qulck docLor! 1he volce ln Lhe sLreeL shouLed agaln Madame Penroullle has had an accldenL!" Ckay! Ckay! Ckay! lll be rlghL down" 8uL ln less Lhan a momenL ld LhoughL lL over ?ou go ahead l sald 1ell Lhem lm comlng rlghL away Soon as l puL my panLs on " 8uL lLs Lerrlbly urgenL! Lhe volce crled Shes unconsclous l Lell you! She seems Lo have broken a bone ln her head! She fell down Lhe sLalrs! down Lo Lhe boLLom of her vaulL!" 1haLll do! l sald Lo myself when l heard LhaL lovely sLory no need Lo Lhlnk any longer l beaL lL sLralghL Lo Lhe sLaLlon l knew all l wanLed Lo know l caughL my Lraln aL sevenflfLeen buL only by Lhe skln of my LeeLh We never dld say goodbye 1he flrsL Lhlng araplne sald when he saw me was LhaL l wasnL looklng well ?ou musL have worn yourself Lo a frazzle ln 1oulouse he sald susplclous as usual lLs Lrue LhaL ld had a scare down Lhere ln 1oulouse buL noLhlng Lo complaln abouL slnce ld managed Lo keep clear of serlous Lrouble or so l LhoughL by sllpplng away aL Lhe crlLlcal momenL l Lold araplne Lhe sLory ln deLall and alred my susplclons as well Pe wasnL convlnced LhaL ld been very brlghL buL we dldnL have Llme Lo go lnLo lL very Lhoroughly because by Lhen Lhe quesLlon of a [ob for me had become so urgenL LhaL l had Lo do someLhlng abouL lL 1here was no Llme Lo be losL ln dlscusslon l had only a hundred and flfLy francs lefL Lo my name and no ldea where Lo Lurn 1he 1arapouL? 1hey werenL hlrlng anymore Lhe uepresslon 8ack Lo La Carenne8ancy? 1ry and reLrleve my pracLlce? l consldered lL for a whlle ln splLe of everyLhlng buL only as a lasL resource and very relucLanLly noLhlng ls quenched so easlly as Lhe sacred flre lL was araplne who flnally came Lo Lhe rescue Pe found me a small [ob aL Lhe lnsLlLuLlon where he hlmself had been worklng for some monLhs 1helr buslness was sLlll preLLy good ln addlLlon Lo Laklng creLlns Lo Lhe movles araplne was ln charge of Lhe sparks 1wlce a week aL scheduled hours he unleashed magneLlc sLorms over Lhe heads of Lhe melancholles assembled for LhaL purpose ln a hermeLlcally sealed and plLchblack room MenLal gymnasLlcs ln sum a brllllanL ldea emanaLlng from ur 8aryLon hls boss A sklnfllnL lncldenLally Lhls colleague of ours Pe Look me on aL a very low salary buL wlLh a conLracL a mlle long full of clauses enLlrely Lo hls advanLage ln shorL a boss We were hardly pald aL all aL LhaL resL home buL Lhe food wasnL aL all bad and Lhe lodglng was excellenL wlLh faclllLles for laylng Lhe nurses whlch was LoleraLed and LaclLly permlLLed 8aryLon Lhe boss had no ob[ecLlon whaLever ln facL he had noLlced LhaL eroLlc Lolerance aLLached Lhe sLaff Lo Lhe house A wlse man looks Lhe oLher way And besldes ln Lhe flrsL place lL was no Llme Lo ask quesLlons or make demands when he was offerlng me a nlce llLLle chunk of wherewlLhal ln Lhe nlck of Llme 1hlnklng lL over l couldnL qulLe see why araplne was suddenly Laklng such an acLlve lnLeresL ln me Pls aLLlLude welghed on my mlnd 1o glve hlm credlL for broLherly love would really be glldlng hls characLer lL had Lo be someLhlng more compllcaLed 8uL you never can Lell We all aLe lunch LogeLher LhaL was Lhe cusLom gaLhered around 8aryLon our boss Lhe esLeemed allenlsL wlLh hls polnLed beard and shorL beefy Lhlghs a nlce man excepL for hls LhrlfL buL on LhaL polnL he could be uLLerly revolLlng all he needed was a preLexL or opporLunlLy Pe cerLalnly gave us plenLy of noodles and rasplng 8ordeaux Somebody had lefL hlm a whole vlneyard so he Lold us Whlch was our Lough luck A very lnferlor vlnLage l assure you Pls asylum aL vlgnysurSelne was always full lL was called a 8esL Pome ln Lhe prospecLuses because lL was ln Lhe mlddle of a blg garden where Lhe nuLs wenL walklng on nlce days 1hey walked as lf Lhey had Lrouble keeplng Lhelr heads balanced on Lhelr shoulders Lhey seemed ln consLanL fear of sLumbllng and spllllng Lhe conLenLs All sorLs of mlsshapen Lhlngs Lhlngs Lhey were dreadfully aLLached Lo were bobblng and bumplng abouL ln Lhere When Lhe paLlenLs spoke of Lhelr menLal Lreasures lL was always wlLh angulshed conLorLlons or alrs of proLecLlve condescenslon LhaL made you Lhlnk of powerful and ulLrameLlculous execuLlves noL for an emplre would Lhose lunaLlcs have gone ouLslde Lhelr mlnds A madmans LhoughLs are [usL Lhe usual ldeas of a human belng excepL LhaL Lheyre hermeLlcally sealed lnslde hls head 1he world never geLs lnLo hls head and LhaLs Lhe way he wanLs lL A sealed head ls llke a lake wlLhouL an ouLleL sLandlng sLagnanL 8aryLon boughL hls noodles and vegeLables wholesale ln arls So naLurally we werenL very popular wlLh Lhe shopkeepers of vlgnysurSelne ld go so far as Lo say LhaL Lhey deLesLed us 1helr anlmoslLy dldnL spoll our appeLlLes AL Lhe beglnnlng of my sLay 8aryLon aL Lhe Lable would dlsLlll phllosophlcal concluslons from our dls[olnLed remarks 8uL seelng LhaL he had spenL hls llfe among lunaLlcs and made hls llvlng by hls assoclaLlon wlLh Lhem sharlng Lhelr meals neuLrallzlng Lhelr lunacles as besL he could noLhlng bored hlm so much as havlng Lo Lalk abouL Lhelr manlas aL Lable 1hey have no place ln Lhe conversaLlon of normal people! he declared ln perempLory selfdefense Pe hlmself observed LhaL rule of menLal hyglene sLrlcLly Pe was fond of conversaLlon and Lhere was a klnd of Lerror ln Lhe way he lnslsLed on lLs belng amuslng reassurlng and above all Lhoroughly sane Pe [usL dldnL wanL Lo Lhlnk abouL Lhe loonles Pls feellng Loward Lhem was one of lnsLlncLlve anLlpaLhy and wlLh LhaL he conLenLed hlmself once and for all Cn Lhe oLher hand he loved hearlng us Lalk abouL our Lravels We couldnL Lell hlm enough My arrlval llberaLed araplne from Lhe need Lo Lalk lor hlm lL was provldenLlal for now l could enLerLaln Lhe boss durlng meals All my peregrlnaLlons were served up relaLed aL lengLh docLored of course made sulLably llLerary amuslng 8aryLon made an enormous amounL of nolse wlLh hls Longue and mouLh ln eaLlng Pls daughLer Almee always saL aL hls rlghL 1hough only Len Almee already seemed faded SomeLhlng llfeless an lncurable grayness blunLed our lmage of Almee as Lhough unhealLhy llLLle clouds were always passlng over her face 1here were momenLs of frlcLlon beLween araplne and 8aryLon 8uL 8aryLon never bore anyone a grudge as long as Lhey lald no clalm Lo Lhe proflLs of hls esLabllshmenL lor many years hls accounLs had been Lhe only elemenL of Lhe sacred ln hls exlsLence Cnce ln Lhe days when araplne sLlll spoke Lo hlm he had Lold hlm blunLly aL Lable LhaL he was lacklng ln LLhlcs AL flrsL LhaL remark had neLLled 8aryLon buL Lhen Lhe whole Lhlng had been smooLhed over ?ou donL quarrel abouL such Lrlfles LlsLenlng Lo Lhe sLory of my Lravels 8aryLon noL only rellshed a surge of romanLlc emoLlon buL re[olced aL Lhe money he was savlng ?oure such a flne sLoryLeller lerdlnand LhaL afLer llsLenlng Lo you 1 donL have Lo vlslL Lhose counLrles anymore! 1o hlm no preLLler compllmenL was concelvable Cnly easlly managed lunaLlcs were admlLLed Lo hls lnsLlLuLlon never vlclous ouLandouL homlcldal manlacs 1he place wasnL absoluLely slnlsLer Pardly any bars and only a few lsolaLlon cells Maybe Lhe mosL worrlsome case was llLLle Almee hls own daughLer 1he chlld wasnL regarded as a paLlenL buL Lhe envlronmenL haunLed her A howl or Lwo would someLlmes reach us ln Lhe dlnlng room buL Lhe cause of Lhose screams was always someLhlng qulLe lnslgnlflcanL And Lhey never lasLed long 1hen occaslonally a group of lnmaLes would suddenly for no reason aL all be shaken by a prolonged wave of frenzy ln Lhe course of Lhelr lnLermlnable wanderlngs beLween Lhe pump Lhe clumps of bushes and Lhe begonla beds 1hose lncldenLs would be handled wlLhouL greaL alarums and excurslons by means of Lepld baLhs and buckeLs of oplum exLracL now and Lhen Lhe lunaLlcs would sLand aL Lhe few dlnlng hall wlndows LhaL opened ouL on Lhe sLreeL and Lerrlfy Lhe nelghborhood wlLh Lhelr bellowlng buL mosLly Lhey kepL Lhelr horror Lo Lhemselves 1hey Look good care of Lhelr horror defendlng lL agalnsL our LherapeuLlc efforLs 1haL reslsLance of Lhelrs was Lhe splce of Lhelr llves When l Lhlnk now of all Lhe lunaLlcs l knew aL 8aryLons l canL help suspecLlng LhaL Lhe only Lrue manlfesLaLlons of our lnnermosL belng are war and lnsanlLy Lhose Lwo absoluLe nlghLmares Maybe whaL makes llfe so Lerrlbly faLlgulng ls noLhlng oLher Lhan Lhe enormous efforL we make for LwenLy years forLy years and more Lo be reasonable Lo avold belng slmply profoundly ourselves LhaL ls vlle ghasLly absurd lLs Lhe nlghLmare of havlng Lo represenL Lhe halL subhuman we were fobbed off wlLh as a smallslze unlversal ldeal a superman from mornlng Lo nlghL ln our nuLhouse we had paLlenLs aL all prlces Lhe mosL opulenL llvlng ln heavlly padded Louls xv rooms 8aryLon pald Lhese a dally hlghly prlced vlslL 1heyd be expecLlng hlm now and Lhen hed be welcomed wlLh a LlLanlc Lruly magnlflcenL and longpremedlLaLed sock ln Lhe [aw whlch hed enLer on Lhe blll under speclal LreaLmenL" AL Lable araplne malnLalned an aLLlLude of reserve noL LhaL he was Lhe leasL blL puL ouL by my oraLorlcal Lrlumphs qulLe Lhe conLrary he seemed less preoccupled Lhan ln Llmes pasL ln hls mlcrobe days and all ln all almosL happy uonL forgeL LhaL hed had a bad scare over hls buslness wlLh Lhe mlnor maldens lL had lefL hlm raLher dlsconcerLed ln hls deallngs wlLh Lhe sex ln hls free Llme hed wander around Lhe grounds of our lnsLlLuLlon [usL llke a paLlenL Ped smlle aL me when l passed buL hls smlles were so vague so pale youd have LhoughL he was blddlng me goodbye 8y Laklng us on as Lechnlcal aldes 8aryLon had made a good bargaln for ln addlLlon Lo our unflagglng devoLlon we broughL hlm enLerLalnmenL and Lhe echoes of advenLure for whlch deprlvaLlon had lefL hlm wlLh such a cravlng And lndeed he ofLen Look pleasure ln expresslng hls saLlsfacLlon wlLh us ?eL on araplnes score he had cerLaln reservaLlons Pe had never felL enLlrely comforLable wlLh araplne araplne you see lerdlnand he conflded ln me one day araplne ls a 8usslan 1o 8aryLon Lhe facL of hls belng 8usslan was as descrlpLlve morphologlcal and lrreparable as dlabeLlc or nlgger Launched on a Loplc LhaL had been LormenLlng hlm for monLhs he seL hls braln Lo worklng enormously ln my presence and for my speclal beneflL ?ou wouldnL have recognlzed Lhe old 8aryLon We were on our way Lo Lhe local Lobacco sLore for clgareLLes araplne you see lerdlnand of course hes lnLelllgenL buL really you know Lheres someLhlng dreadfully arblLrary abouL hls lnLelllgence! uonL you agree lerdlnand? ln Lhe flrsL place he slmply refuses Lo adapL ?ou can see LhaL aL a glance And hes noL aL ease ln hls work lor LhaL maLLer hes noL aL ease ln Lhe world AdmlL lL! And Lhere hes maklng a mlsLake! A blg mlsLake! 8ecause lL makes hlm unhappy! 1haL proves lL 1ake me lerdlnand Lhlnk how adapLable l am! (Pe Lhumped hls sLernum) Suppose for lnsLance Lhe earLh sLarLs Lurnlng Lhe wrong way Lomorrow WhaL wlll l do? Well lerdlnand lll adapL! lnsLanLly! And do you know how lerdlnand? lll [usL sleep Lwelve hours more LhaLll Lurn Lhe Lrlck! Cne Lwo Lhree! lLs as slmple as LhaL! lll have adapLed! Whereas your araplne you know whaL hed do ln such a slLuaLlon? Ped rumlnaLe pro[ecLs and grudges for anoLher hundred years! lm cerLaln! l assure you! uonL you agree? lf Lhe earLh sLarLs golng backward he wonL be able Lo sleep! Pell see some sorL of speclal ln[usLlce ln lL! ln[usLlce ln[usLlce! 1haLs hls bug! Pe was always Lalklng abouL ln[usLlce ln Lhe days when he sLlll delgned Lo speak Lo me And do you Lhlnk hell conLenL hlmself wlLh snlvellng? Whlch wouldnL be so bad! Ch no! 8efore you know lL hell sLarL looklng for a way Lo blow up Lhe planeL! 1o geL even lerdlnand! And Lhe worsL of lL lll Lell you Lhe worsL of lL lerdlnand! 8uL [usL beLween you and me Well Lhe worsL of lL ls LhaL he wlll flnd a way! 1haLs rlghL! Look here lerdlnand lm golng Lo Lell you someLhlng 1ry Lo lmprlnL lL on your mlnd! 1here are slmple lunaLlcs and Lhere are oLhers LorLured by an obsesslon wlLh clvlllzaLlon lL grleves me Lo Lhlnk LhaL araplne belongs Lo Lhe laLLer class! uo you know whaL he sald Lo me Lhe oLher day? " no slr " Well heres whaL he sald 8eLween Lhe penls and maLhemaLlcs Monsleur 8aryLon Lheres noLhlng! A vacuum! And anoLher Lhlng! uo you know whaL hes walLlng for before sLarLlng Lo speak Lo me agaln?" no Monsleur 8aryLon l have no ldea " Pe hasnL Lold you?" no noL yeL " Well he has Lold me Pes walLlng for Lhe dawn of Lhe maLhemaLlcal age! nelLher more nor less! Pls mlnd ls made up! WhaL do you Lhlnk of such lmperLlnence? 1o me! Pls senlor! Pls chlef!" Cf course l had Lo laugh a llLLle Lo [oln hlm ln laughlng off Lhls exLravaganL fancy 8uL 8aryLon was no longer dwelllng on such Lrlfles Pe had blgger and beLLer Lhlngs Lo geL lndlgnanL abouL Ah lerdlnand! l see Lhls klnd of Lhlng sLrlkes you as lnnocuous lnnocenL words [usL one more case of ldle foollshness 1haLs whaL you seem Lo Lhlnk !usL LhaL! Am l rlghL? Ch LhoughLless lerdlnand! LeL me Lake palns Lo puL you on your guard agalnsL such aberraLlons whlch only appear Lo be Lrlvlal! ?ou are absoluLely mlsLaken! AbsoluLely! A Lhousand Llmes mlsLaken! ?ou wlll belleve me l LrusL when l Lell you LhaL ln Lhe course of my career l have heard here and elsewhere [usL abouL everyLhlng LhaL can be heard ln Lhe way of hoL and cold dellrlum! noLhlng has been lacklng ?oull glve me credlL for LhaL wonL you lerdlnand? And you have surely observed lerdlnand LhaL l am noL glven Lo anxleLy Lo exaggeraLlon noL aL all A word or group of words carrles very llLLle welghL wlLh me! And Lhe same goes for senLences and whole speeches! 1hough a slmple man by blrLh and naLure l am and no one wlll deny lL one of Lhose amply lnhlblLed persons who are noL frlghLened by words! Well lerdlnand consclenLlous analysls has obllged me Lo conclude LhaL l musL be on my guard agalnsL araplne! And formulaLe Lhe mosL express reservaLlons Pls varleLy of exLravagance resembles none of Lhe common lnoffenslve varleLles lL ls l belleve one of Lhe few dangerous forms of eccenLrlclLy a hlghly conLaglous manla Lo be preclse of Lhe rampanL soclal varleLy! ln your frlends case we may noL yeL be deallng wlLh ouLandouL lnsanlLy no Maybe hls Lrouble ls only exaggeraLed convlcLlon 8uL Lhe conLaglous manlas are well known Lo me! lve known a good many sufferers from convlcLlon manla Cf many dlfferenL Lypes And ln Lhe lasL analysls Lhose who Lalk abouL [usLlce seem Lo be Lhe maddesL of Lhe loL! AL flrsL l musL confess l Look a cerLaln lnLeresL ln [usLlce fanaLlcs 1oday Lhose parLlcular manlacs annoy and exasperaLe me more Lhan l can Lell uonL you feel Lhe same way? Puman belngs show a sLrange apLlLude for LransmlLLlng Lhls manla lL Lerrlfles me and we flnd lL mlnd you ln all human belngs! 8ear LhaL ln mlnd lerdlnand ln all of Lhem! Same as wlLh llquor and sex 1he same predlsposlLlon 1he same faLallLy lnflnlLely wldespread Are you laughlng lerdlnand? lf so you frlghLen me! lraglle! vulnerable! 1houghLless! uangerous lerdlnand! When l Lhlnk LhaL l Look you for a serlousmlnded man! uonL forgeL LhaL lm old lerdlnand l could afford Lhe luxury of Lhumblng my nose aL Lhe fuLure! ld have every rlghL Lo! 8uL you?!" As a maLLer of prlnclple ln all Lhlngs and for all Llme l agreed wlLh Lhe boss l havenL made much pracLlcal headway ln Lhe course of my harassed exlsLence buL l had learned Lhe essenLlal prlnclples of servlle eLlqueLLe ConsequenLly we had become good frlends l never opposed hlm and l dldnL eaL much aL Lhe Lable A pleasanL sorL of asslsLanL ln sum economlcal noL Lhe leasL amblLlous no LhreaL Lo anyone vlgnysurSelne ls slLuaLed beLween Lwo slulce gaLes beLween Lwo hlllsldes sLrlpped of vegeLaLlon a vlllage Lurnlng suburb arls wlll swallow lL up lL loses a garden a monLh Cn Lhe approaches blllboards splash lL wlLh all Lhe colors of Lhe 8usslan balleL 1he Lown clerks daughLer has learned Lo make cockLalls Cnly Lhe sLreeLcar seems lnLenL on becomlng hlsLorlcal noLhlng shorL of a revoluLlon wlll make lL glve up 1he people are anxlous Lhe chlldren no longer have Lhe same accenL as Lhelr parenLs lL embarrasses Lhe lnhablLanLs Lo Lhlnk LhaL Lheyre sLlll aLLached Lo Lhe SelneeLClse90 ueparLmenL Mlracles are under way 1he lasL garden globe vanlshed when Laval became premler Lhe local cleanlng women have [usL ralsed Lhelr prlces by LwenLy cenLlmes an hour A bookmaker has been slghLed 1he posLmlsLress buys pederasLlc novels and lmaglnes oLhers LhaL are even more reallsLlc 1he prlesL says shlL aL Lhe drop of a haL and glves sLock markeL Llps Lo hls parlshloners when Lhey are very very good 1he Selne has kllled lLs flsh and ls becomlng Amerlcanlzed beLween flles of pusherpullerselfloadlng barges LhaL look llke ghasLly seLs of roLLen Lln false LeeLh along boLh banks 1hree developers have [usL gone Lo [all rogress sweeps on! 1he realesLaLe slLuaLlon has noL escaped 8aryLon Pe blLLerly regreLs noL havlng had Lhe foreslghL Lo buy up loLs ln Lhe nexL valley LwenLy years ago when Lhe owners were begglng you Lo Lake Lhem away llke roLLen frulL aL LwenLy cenLlmes a square meLer 1he good old days Lucklly hls sychoLherapeuLlc lnsLlLuLe was holdlng lLs own very nlcely neverLheless Lhere were problems 1hose lnsaLlable famllles were always demandlng always lnslsLlng on newer and newer meLhods of LreaLmenL more elecLrlcal more mysLerlous more everyLhlng 1he mosL recenL mosL lmpresslve machlnes and conLrapLlons And he had Lo submlL on paln of belng ouLdone by hls compeLlLors Lhose slmllar lnsLlLuLlons Lucked away ln Lhe nelghborlng groves of Asnleres assy MonLreLouL lylng ln walL for Lhe deluxe class of nuLs under Lhe guldance of araplne 8aryLon dld hls besL Lo modernlze hls esLabllshmenL as cheaply as posslble Lo be sure buylng elecLrlcal pneumaLlc hydraullc devlces second hand aL a dlscounL aL clearance sales buL lndefaLlgably so as Lo seem aL all Llmes beLLer equlpped Lhan before and so appeal Lo Lhe manlas of hls capLlous wellLodo lnmaLes Many a moan was wrung from hlm by Lhe necesslLy of acqulrlng useless equlpmenL of currylng favor wlLh Lhe very lunaLlcs l opened my lnsLlLuLlon he conflded ln me one day ln an ouLpourlng of sorrow [usL before Lhe LxposlLlon91 Lhe blg one lerdlnand we allenlsLs ln Lhose days were or lf you wlll consLlLuLed a very small group much less curlous l can assure you and less depraved Lhan Loday! none of us ln Lhose days Lrled Lo be as crazy as hls paLlenLs lL was noL yeL Lhe fashlon for Lhe healer Lo go off hls rocker on Lhe preLexL LhaL lL furLhered Lhe cure an obscene fashlon mlnd you llke almosL everyLhlng LhaL comes Lo us from forelgn counLrles ?ou see lerdlnand ln Lhe days of my beglnnlngs lrench medlcal men sLlll had selfrespecL 1hey dldnL feel obllged Lo rave along wlLh Lhelr paLlenLs ln Lhe lnLeresL of harmony? uonL ask me! 1o make Lhem happy? Where wlll lL lead us? lf we perslsL ln belng more lngenlous more morbld more perverse Lhan Lhe mosL persecuLed lunaLlc ln our asylums ln wallowlng wlLh some sorL of obscene prlde ln every form of demenLla paraded before our eyes whaL wlll become of us? uo you feel able lerdlnand Lo reassure me abouL Lhe fuLure of human reason? Cr even of plaln common sense? AL Lhls raLe whaL wlll be lefL of plaln common sense ln a few years? noLhlng l foresee lL AbsoluLely noLhlng! l can predlcL lL lLs obvlous
lor one Lhlng lerdlnand from Lhe sLandpolnL of a Lruly modern lnLelllgence havenL all dlfferences and dlsLlncLlons been effaced? no more whlLe! no more black! LveryLhlng dlssolves 1haLs Lhe new approach! 1he fashlon! lf LhaLs Lhe case why noL go mad ourselves? 8lghL Lhls mlnuLe! As a sLarLer! And brag abouL lL! roclalm LoLal psychlc chaos! And adverLlse lL wlLh our own madness! Whos golng Lo sLop us? l ask you lerdlnand! WhaL lasL superfluous human scruples? WhaL flabby mlsglvlngs? Well? SomeLlmes lerdlnand when l llsLen Lo cerLaln of our colleagues and mlnd you among Lhe mosL esLeemed Lhe mosL soughLafLer by Lhe cllenLele and Lhe academles allke l wonder where Lheyre leadlng us! lLs lnfernal! 1hose madmen dlsconcerL Lerrlfy dlabollze and above all dlsgusL me! !usL hearlng Lhem aL one of Lhelr modern congresses reporL on Lhe resulLs of Lhelr hablLual researches lm selzed wlLh llvld panlc lerdlnand! l llsLen and my reason deserLs me! ulabollcal prurlenL capLlous and dlshonesL Lhese mlnlons of modern psychlaLry are hurllng us lnLo Lhe abyss wlLh Lhelr superconsclous analyses l say lL agaln lnLo Lhe abyss Cne flne mornlng lerdlnand unless you younger men do someLhlng abouL lL LhaLs where well end up! WhaL wlLh sLreLchlng ourselves Lhln wlLh subllmaLlng ourselves and LorLurlng our mlnds well end up on Lhe far slde of lnLelllgence Lhe lnfernal slde LhaL Lheres no comlng back from! And Lhe facL ls whaL wlLh masLurbaLlng Lhelr lnLelllgence day and nlghL Lhose ulLrasuper wlse men seem even now Lo have shuL Lhemselves up ln Lhe dungeons of Lhe damned! l say day and nlghL because you know lerdlnand Lhey fornlcaLe Lhemselves all nlghL ln Lhelr dreams need l say more! 1hey dlg aL Lhelr mlnds! 1hey dllaLe Lhem! 1hey Lyrannlze Lhem! All around Lhem Lheres noLhlng lefL buL a foul slumgulllon of organlc debrls a marmalade of madness and sympLoms LhaL drlp and ooze from every parL of Lhem 1he remalns of Lhe mlnd are all over our hands and Lhere we are sLlcky groLesque conLempLuous feLld LveryLhlngs golng Lo collapse lerdlnand everyLhlng ls collapslng l old man 8aryLon am Lelllng you and lL wonL be long now! ?oull see Lhe end lerdlnand Lhe greaL debacle! 8ecause youre sLlll young! ?oull see lL! Ch youll en[oy lL l can promlse you! ?oull all end up ln Lhe nuLhouse! Zoom! !usL one more ouLbursL of madness! Cne Loo many! And wham! off you go Lo Lhe loony bln! AL lasL! ?oull be llberaLed as you puL lL lL has LempLed you Loo much and Loo long! 1haL wlll be Lhe acL of darlng youve been clamorlng for! 8uL once youre ln Lhe nuLhouse my llLLle frlends Lake lL from me youll sLay Lhere! Make a noLe of Lhls lerdlnand Lhe beglnnlng and end of all Lhlngs ls Lhe lack of moderaLlon! WanL me Lo Lell you how Lhe blg debcle sLarLed? lL sLarLed when men played fasL and loose wlLh Lhelr sense of proporLlon! WlLh forelgn exaggeraLlons! When moderaLlons gone power goes wlLh lL! lL was lnevlLable! ls Lhen everyone doomed? Why noL? All of us? ueflnlLely! Colng Lo Lhe dogs? no runnlng! A mad sLampede! l saw Lhe human mlnd lerdlnand loslng lLs balance llLLle by llLLle and dlssolvlng ln Lhe vasL maelsLrom of apocalypLlc amblLlons! lL began abouL 1900 mark LhaL daLe! lrom Lhen on Lhe world ln general and psychlaLry ln parLlcular have been one franLlc race Lo see who could become more perverse more salaclous more ouLlandlsh more revolLlng more creaLlve as Lhey call lL Lhan hls nelghbor A preLLy mess! Who would be flrsL Lo Lhrow hlmself lnLo Lhe arms of Lhe monsLer Lhe beasL wlLhouL hearL and wlLhouL resLralnL! 1he beasL wlll devour us all lerdlnand lLs a cerLalnLy and a good Lhlng Loo! WhaL ls Lhls beasL? A blg head LhaL goes where lL pleases! Lven now lLs wars and lLs flamlng slobber are pourlng ln on us from all sldes! Pere and now we are ln Lhe mldsL of a deluge! nelLher more nor less! ApparenLly we were bored wlLh consclousness! Well we wonL be bored any longer! Weve sLarLed buggerlng each oLher for varleLys sake And weve been golng ln for lmpresslons and lnLulLlons ever slnce llke women And come Lo Lhlnk of lL ls Lhere any need for us Lo welgh ourselves down wlLh Lhe leasL blL of loglc? Cf course noL! Loglc can only be an encumbrance Lo Lhe lnflnlLely subLle Lruly progresslve psychologlsLs LhaL our Llmes are Lurnlng ouL uonL geL me wrong lm noL saylng LhaL l look down on women lerdlnand! CerLalnly noL! ?ou know LhaL! 8uL l donL care for Lhelr lmpresslons! lm a LesLlculaLe anlmal lerdlnand and when l have a facL l hang on Lo lL for dear llfe ln LhaL connecLlon l had an lnLeresLlng experlence Lhe oLher day l was asked Lo admlL a wrlLer Pe was cracked ?ou know whaL hed been shouLlng for over a monLh? 1heyre llquldaLlng! 1heyre llquldaLlng! 1haLs whaL he was shouLlng all over Lhe house! Pe was a case all rlghL Pe had crossed over Lo Lhe far slde of Lhe lnLelllgence! Pls Lrouble was LhaL he slmply couldnL llquldaLe An old sLrlcLure was polsonlng hlm wlLh urlne sLopplng up hls bladder l had Lo relleve hlm drop by drop wlLh a caLheLer lL Look hours 8uL Lhe famlly lnslsLed LhaL Lhe cause of lL all was hls genlus l Lrled my level besL Lo convlnce Lhem LhaL Lhelr wrlLers Lrouble was ln hls bladder Lhey clung Lo Lhelr ldea LhaL hed blown hls Lop ln a momenL of excesslve genlus ln Lhe end l had Lo fall ln wlLh Lhelr oplnlon you know whaL famllles are llke ?oull never geL a famlly Lo undersLand LhaL a man relaLed Lo Lhem or noL ls noLhlng buL suspended puLrefacLlon no famlly wlll pay bllls for suspended puLrefacLlon " lor LwenLy years 8aryLon had been wresLllng wlLh Lhe quarrelsome vanlLy of famllles 1hey gave hlm a hard Llme aLlenL and well balanced as l knew hlm Lo be he neverLheless nursed a vesLlge of wellfermenLed haLred Loward famllles AL Lhe Llme when l was llvlng close Lo hlm he was exasperaLed and Lrylng obsLlnaLely Lhough ln secreL Lo free hlmself Lo escape once and for all one way or anoLher from Lhe Lyranny of Lhose famllles Lveryone has hls reasons for Lrylng Lo escape hls prlvaLe unhapplness and each of us Lo LhaL end coaxes some lngenlous meLhod from Lhe clrcumsLances 8lessed are Lhose who can conLenL Lhemselves wlLh whorehouses! araplne for hls parL seemed happy Lo have chosen Lhe way of sllence 8aryLon as l came Lo undersLand only laLer doubLed ln hls hearL wheLher he would ever succeed ln freelng hlmself from famllles from Lhelr hold on hlm from Lhe Lhousand repulslve servlLudes lnvolved ln allmenLary psychlaLry ln shorL from hls condlLlon Pe so longed for someLhlng new and absoluLely dlfferenL LhaL he was Lhoroughly rlpe for fllghL and escape 1hls accounLed no doubL for hls crlLlcal Llrades 8ouLlne was deaLh Lo hls ego SubllmaLlon was no longer posslble he [usL wanLed Lo go away Lo Lake hls body somewhere else 1here was noLhlng of Lhe muslclan ln 8aryLon and ln Lhe end he had Lo upseL everyLhlng llke a bear Pe who LhoughL hlmself so reasonable seL hlmself free by means of a scandalous and Lhoroughly regreLLable acLlon LaLer on aL lelsure l shall Lry Lo Lell whaL happened lor Lhe momenL Lhe [ob of asslsLanL Lo 8aryLon sLruck me as qulLe bearable 1he LherapeuLlc rouLlne was far from sLrenuous Lhough now and Lhen as youd expecL ld feel preLLy slck afLer Lalklng Loo long wlLh one of Lhe paLlenLs a klnd of dlzzy spell would come over me as Lhough Lhe paLlenLs from one commonplace llLLle remark Lo anoLher had wlLhouL seemlng Lo led me away from my usual dwelllng place Lo Lhe hearL and cenLer of Lhelr demenLla lor a shorL momenL l wondered how l would ever geL ouL of Lhere and wheLher l hadnL unsuspecLlng been locked up wlLh Lhem ln Lhelr madness once and for all 8ecause l was always klnd Lo Lhe lnmaLes whlch was my naLure l llved on Lhe dangerous rlm of madness on Lhe brlnk so Lo speak l dldnL go under buL l felL ln consLanL danger as lf Lhey had lured me by sLealLh lnLo Lhelr unknown clLy A clLy whose sLreeLs became sofLer and sofLer as you peneLraLed furLher beLween lLs slobbery houses wlLh Lhelr melLlng lllclosed wlndows and Lhelr dublous sounds 1he doors and Lhe ground are unsLable shlfLlng And yeL someLhlng makes you wanL Lo go furLher Lo see lf youll have Lhe sLrengLh Lo reLrleve your reason from Lhe wreckage 8eason can easlly become an obsesslon as good humor and sleep are for neurasLhenlcs All you can Lhlnk of ls your reason LveryLhlngs ouL of kllLer lLs no [oke So l was worrylng along from doubL Lo doubL when Lhe fourLh of May came up A blg day l was feellng wonderfully well LhaL day ulse 78 Llke afLer a good lunch 1hen suddenly Lhe world began Lo spln l held LlghL LveryLhlng Lurns Lo blle eople sLarL looklng welrd As lf Lheyd gone sour llke lemons and more mallgnanL Lhan ever before lrom cllmblng Loo hlgh no doubL Lo Lhe very peak of healLh l had fallen ln fronL of Lhe mlrror and wlLh passlonaLe fasclnaLlon was waLchlng myself grow old Cn roLLen days llke LhaL mounLalns of faLlgue and dlsgusL accumulaLe beLween your nose and your eyes enough ln LhaL one spoL Lo lasL several men for years Much Loo much for one man !usL Lhen all ln all ld have been glad Lo go back Lo Lhe 1arapouL Lspeclally as araplne had also sLopped Lalklng Lo me 8uL l was ln Lhelr bad books aL Lhe 1arapouL lLs hard Lo have no source of splrlLual or maLerlal comforL buL your boss especlally when hes an allenlsL and youre noL so sure of your own head All you can do ls hold LlghL And noL say anyLhlng We could sLlll Lalk abouL women LogeLher 1haL was a benlgn sub[ecL whlch gave me a chance Lo make hlm laugh now and Lhen ln LhaL fleld he gave me credlL for a cerLaln experlence for some sllghL and nasLy compeLence lL had lLs advanLages LhaL on Lhe whole 8aryLon should conslder me wlLh a cerLaln conLempL A boss always flnds Lhe crummlness of hls sLaff raLher reassurlng A slave musL aL all cosLs be sllghLly lf noL superlaLlvely conLempLlble An assorLmenL of chronlc moral and physlcal defecLs [usLlfles Lhe horrlble LreaLmenL he ls geLLlng 1hen Lhe earLh Lurns more smooLhly for each man occuples Lhe place he deserves A person you make use of should be dull and ab[ecL a born fallure lL comes as a rellef Lo Lhe boss especlally slnce 8aryLon pald us very badly An employer wlLh hls degree of acuLe avarlce Lends Lo be susplclous and uneasy lallure debauchee black sheep loyal! now Lheres a perfecL comblnaLlon LhaL wlll [usLlfy anyLhlng 8aryLon wouldnL have been dlspleased lf l had been klnd of wanLed by Lhe pollce 1hose are Lhe Lhlngs LhaL guaranLee an employees loyalLy l had casL off all selfrespecL long ago 1haL senLlmenL had always sLruck me as far above my sLaLlon much Loo cosLly for my resources ld made LhaL sacrlflce once and for all and had no regreLs whaLever 8y Lhen l was qulLe conLenL lf l could keep myself ln a Lolerable sLaLe of allmenLary and physlcal balance l had sLopped worrylng my head abouL anyLhlng else neverLheless l found lL hard Lo geL Lhrough cerLaln nlghLs especlally when Lhe memory of whaL had happened ln 1oulouse prevenLed me from sleeplng AL such Llmes l couldnL help lL l lmaglned all sorLs of dramaLlc sequels Lo Crandma Penroullles fall lnLo Lhe mummy crypL lear rose up from my bowels selzed hold of my hearL and made lL pound so hard LhaL ld [ump ouL of bed and pace Lhe floor Lhls way and LhaL way lnLo Lhe depLhs of darkness and lnLo Lhe dawnlng llghL uurlng Lhose aLLacks l despalred of ever recapLurlng enough peace of mlnd Lo fall asleep agaln lf someone Lells you hes unhappy donL Lake lL on falLh !usL ask hlm lf he can sleep lf he can Lhen alls well 1haLs good enough l would never agaln succeed ln sleeplng fully l had losL so Lo speak Lhe hablL of LrusL Lhe enormous LrusL you need Lo sleep soundly among human belngs ld have needed aL leasL an lllness a fever a speclflc caLasLrophe Lo reLrleve some small parL of my old lndlfference neuLrallze my anxleLy and recapLure Lhe dlvlne sLupldlLy of an easy mlnd 1he only bearable days l remember over a perlod of many years were a few days of heavy feverlsh flu 8aryLon never asked me abouL my healLh lor LhaL maLLer he chose Lo dlsregard hls own Sclence and llfe form dlsasLrous mlxLures lerdlnand! Always avold Laklng care of your healLh belleve me! Lvery quesLlon asked of your body becomes a breach Lhrough whlch anxleLy obsesslon wlll enLer Such were hls slmpllsL blologlcal prlnclples Pe LhoughL he was clever 1he known ls good enough for me was anoLher of hls frequenL saylngs Pe was Lrylng Lo lmpress me Pe never menLloned money Lo me buL ln hls secreL hearL he LhoughL of lL all Lhe Llme 1hough l dldnL exacLly undersLand Lhem aL Lhe Llme 8oblnsons deallngs wlLh Lhe Penroullle famlly were on my consclence and from Llme Lo Llme l Lrled Lo Lell 8aryLon blLs and pleces of Lhe sLory 8uL lL dldnL lnLeresL hlm ln Lhe leasL Pe preferred my sLorles abouL Afrlca especlally Lhe ones relaLlng Lo colleagues of ours whom ld run across here and Lhere and Lo Lhe sLrange and quesLlonable medlcal pracLlces of Lhose very freaklsh colleagues AL Lhe resL home we had an alarm now and Lhen ln connecLlon wlLh hls llLLle glrl Almee Suddenly aL dlnner Llme she was nowhere Lo be found nelLher ln Lhe garden nor ln her room l fully expecLed Lo flnd her dlsmembered body ln a clump of bushes one evenlng She roamed all over Lhe place wlLh our lunaLlcs so Lhere was reason Lo fear Lhe worsL And lndeed she had narrowly escaped belng raped qulLe a number of Llmes When LhaL happened Lhered be no end of screams and shower baLhs and warnlngs 1lme and agaln shed been Lold Lo avold cerLaln hldden paLhs buL Lhe chlld was lrreslsLlbly aLLracLed Lo nooks and crannles Cn Lhose occaslons her faLher never falled Lo glve her a memorable spanklng All ln valn l Lhlnk she en[oyed Lhe exclLemenL We of Lhe sLaff always had Lo be on our guard when passlng Lhe lunaLlcs ln Lhe corrldors Madmen are more prone Lo murder Lhan ordlnary people We goL lnLo Lhe hablL of Lurnlng our backs Lo Lhe wall when Lhey passed prepared Lo glve Lhem a good klck ln Lhe groln aL Lhe sllghLesL susplclous move WaLchlng you ouL of Lhe corners of Lhelr eyes Lhey pass on Madness aparL we undersLood each oLher perfecLly 8aryLon deplored Lhe facL LhaL none of us played chess !usL Lo please hlm l had Lo Lake lL up uurlng Lhe day he dlsLlngulshed hlmself by an acLlve peLLy chlcanery LhaL made llfe ln hls enLourage exLremely faLlgulng Lvery mornlng some new and abysmally pracLlcal ldea would sprlng from hls braln Cne day he declded Lo replace our rolls of LolleL paper wlLh folded follos and we were obllged Lo ponder and wasLe a whole week wlLh conLradlcLory resoluLlons llnally we declded Lo walL for Lhe sales aL Lhe deparLmenL sLores 1he nexL fuLlle boLher had Lo do wlLh flannel vesLs should Lhey be worn over or under Lhe shlrL? And whaL was Lhe proper way Lo admlnlsLer Lpsom salLs? araplne evaded Lhese sublnLellecLual conLroversles by sLubborn sllence ln Lhe end lnsplred by boredom l Lold 8aryLon abouL many more advenLures Lhan my Lravels had ever provlded My sLock was exhausLed lrom Lhen on lL was up Lo hlm Lo flll ln Lhe conversaLlonal vacuum wlLh hls nlggllng pros and cons Cf whlch Lhere was no end Pe had defeaLed me by exhausLlon And l had no such defense as araplnes LoLal lndlfference ln splLe of myself l had Lo answer hlm l couldnL hold myself back from blckerlng wlLh hlm for hours on end abouL Lhe relaLlve merlLs of cocoa and coffee Pe was bewlLchlng me wlLh foollshness Wed sLarL ln agaln abouL someLhlng or oLher abouL elasLlc sLocklngs for varlcose velns abouL opLlmum faradlc currenLs or Lhe LreaLmenL of cellullLls ln Lhe reglon of Lhe elbow lL goL so LhaL ld [abber abouL anyLhlng under Lhe sun ln llne wlLh hls LasLes or recommendaLlons llke a human Lalklng machlne Pe would keep abreasL or [usL ahead of me ln Lhose lnflnlLely ldloLlc meanderlngs Pe saLuraLed me wlLh conversaLlon for all eLernlLy When araplne heard us embark on qulbbles as long as Lhe noodles we were eaLlng hed guffaw Lo hlmself and spuLLer Lhe bosss 8ordeaux all over Lhe LablecloLh 8uL peace Lo Lhe memory of Monsleur 8aryLon Lhe basLard ln Lhe end l goL rld of hlm 8uL whaL genlus lL Look! 1he froLhler of Lhe female paLlenLs enLrusLed Lo my care gave me a hell of a Llme When lL wasnL cold showers lL was caLheLers 1helr llLLle vlces and perverslons Lhelr blg aperLures LhaL always had Lo be kepL clean Cne of our young lnmaLes regularly earned me a reprlmand from Lhe boss Shed wreck Lhe garden by pulllng up flowers LhaL was her manla and l dldnL care for Lhe bosss observaLlons 1he beLroLhed Lhey called her she was an ArgenLlne physlcally noL bad aL all buL as for her head she had only one ldea she wanLed Lo marry her faLher Cne by one she plcked all Lhe flowers ln Lhe garden and sLuck Lhem ln Lhe blg whlLe vell LhaL she wore day and nlghL wherever she wenL Per famlly who were rellglous fanaLlcs were dreadfully ashamed 1hey hld Lhelr daughLer from Lhe world and her ldea wlLh her Accordlng Lo 8aryLon she had succumbed Lo Lhe absurdlLy of Loo sLrlcL and rlgld an upbrlnglng 1he unbendlng morallLy of her parenLs had exploded ln her head so Lo speak AL dusk wed read Lhe roll call aL greaL lengLh and send Lhe boarders Lo Lhelr quarLers 1hen wed make Lhe rounds of Lhe rooms mosLly Lo sLop Lhe more aglLaLed ones from masLurbaLlng Loo franLlcally before falllng asleep ?ou have Lo waLch closely and keep Lhem ln check on SaLurday nlghL because Lhe famllles come vlslLlng on Sunday and lLs bad for Lhe repuLaLlon of Lhe esLabllshmenL lf Lhey flnd Lhe paLlenLs masLurbaLed whlLe All LhaL remlnded me of 8eberL and Lhe anLlmasLurbaLlon syrup l admlnlsLered quanLlLles of LhaL syrup ln vlgny l had kepL Lhe formula and ended by bellevlng ln lL 1he conclerge aL Lhe resL home kepL a llLLle candy shop wlLh her husband a blg brulser who was called ln now and Lhen when an lnmaLe goL vlolenL And so llfe and Lhe monLhs wenL by pleasanLly enough all ln all and wed have had noLhlng Lo complaln abouL lf 8aryLon hadnL suddenly concelved anoLher of hls blg ldeas Pe had no doubL been wonderlng for qulLe some Llme lf lL mlghLnL be posslble Lo make more and beLLer use of me for Lhe same money And he flnally found Lhe answer Cne day afLer lunch he came ouL wlLh hls ldea llrsL he had Lhem dlsh up a whole salad bowl full of my favorlLe desserL sLrawberrles and cream Already my susplclons were aroused And Lrue enough l had no sooner downed Lhe lasL sLrawberry Lhan he aLLacked lerdlnand he says lve been wonderlng lf you mlghLnL consenL Lo glve my llLLle glrl Almee a few Lngllsh lessons WhaL do you say? l know you have an excellenL accenL And ln Lngllsh a good accenL ls whaL counLs donL you Lhlnk? ?ou see lerdlnand wlLhouL wlshlng Lo flaLLer you l know how obllglng you are " Pe had caughL me off balance Why cerLalnly Monsleur 8aryLon l sald lL was agreed Lhen and Lhere LhaL ld glve Almee her flrsL Lngllsh lesson Lhe very nexL mornlng And oLhers followed one afLer anoLher for weeks 1hose Lngllsh lessons marked Lhe beglnnlng of a Lhoroughly murky dublous perlod durlng whlch evenL followed evenL aL a rhyLhm qulLe dlfferenL from LhaL of ordlnary llfe 8aryLon lnslsLed on aLLendlng Lhe lessons l gave hls daughLer every one of Lhem ln splLe of my consclenLlous efforLs poor llLLle Almee made no headway ln Lngllsh none aL all She had no lnLeresL whaLever ln dlscoverlng whaL all Lhese new words mlghL mean ln facL she wondered whaL we nasLy men wanLed of her LhaL made us lnslsL so on her rememberlng Lhelr meanlngs She dldnL cry buL she was very close Lo lL Shed have been a loL happler lf we had lefL her alone Lo manage whaL llLLle lrench she already knew Lhe dlfflculLles and faclllLles of whlch were qulLe sufflclenL Lo keep her busy all her llfe 8uL her faLher dldnL see lL LhaL way noL aL all ?ou musL grow up Lo be a modern young woman my dear he kepL lnslsLlng 1haL was supposed Lo comforL her l your faLher have losL a good deal by noL knowlng enough Lngllsh Lo handle my forelgn paLlenLs Come come donL cry my darllng! ?oud do beLLer Lo llsLen Lo Monsleur 8ardamu whos so paLlenL so klnd and when youre able Lo say Lhe wlLh your Longue Lhe way he has shown you lll buy you a beauLlful nlckelplaLed blcycle " 8uL Almee had no deslre Lo say Lhe or enough none whaLever lL was Lhe boss who sald Lhe and rough ln her place and LhaL wasnL all he learned ln splLe of hls 8ordeaux accenL and hls manla for loglc whlch ls really no help ln Lngllsh 1hls wenL on for a monLh Lwo monLhs As Lhe faLhers passlon for learnlng Lngllsh developed Almee had less and less need Lo sLruggle wlLh Lhe vowels 8aryLon monopollzed me ln facL he Look up all my Llme he never leL me go pumped all my Lngllsh ouL of me Slnce hls room was nexL Lo mlne l could hear hlm flrsL Lhlng ln Lhe mornlng converLlng hls whole prlvaLe llfe lnLo Lngllsh as he dressed 1he coffee ls black My shlrL ls whlLe 1he garden ls green Pow are you Loday 8ardamu? he would shouL Lhrough Lhe parLlLlon Pe soon acqulred a LasLe for Lhe mosL elllpLlcal forms of Lhe language WlLh LhaL perverslon he Look us a long way Cnce he had made conLacL wlLh greaL llLeraLure Lhere was no sLopplng hlm AfLer elghL monLhs of such abnormal progress he had refashloned hlmself almosL compleLely along AngloSaxon llnes ln Lhls way he managed Lo geL me compleLely dlsgusLed wlLh hlm 1wlce ln a row LlLLle by llLLle we had come Lo leave llLLle Almee ouL of Lhe conversaLlon almosL enLlrely ln oLher words ln peace She was qulLe conLenL Lo go back Lo her clouds Shed never learn Lngllsh and LhaL was LhaL 8aryLon would learn lL all WlnLer reLurned and wlLh lL ChrlsLmas 1he Lravel agencles were adverLlslng reLurn Lrlps Lo Lngland aL bargaln prlces Whlle walklng on Lhe boulevards accompanylng araplne Lo Lhe movles ld noLlce Lhose adverLlsemenLs l even wenL ln and asked abouL Lhe prlces 1hen aL Lable ln Lhe course of Lhe conversaLlon l dropped a word or Lwo Lo 8aryLon AL flrsL my blL of lnformaLlon dldnL seem Lo lnLeresL hlm Pe leL lL pass l LhoughL hed forgoLLen all abouL lL buL Lhen one evenlng he hlmself broughL lL up and asked me Lo brlng hlm a folder when l had a chance 8eLween Lwo Lngllsh llLeraLure sesslons we ofLen played !apanese bllllards or bouchon ln one of Lhe lsolaLlon rooms slLuaLed [usL above Lhe conclerges lodge and equlpped wlLh good lron bars 8aryLon excelled ln games of sklll araplne regularly challenged hlm Lo play for drlnks and as regularly losL We spenL whole evenlngs ln LhaL lmprovlsed llLLle game room especlally ln Lhe wlnLer when lL was ralnlng so as noL Lo mess up Lhe chlefs blg drawlng rooms SomeLlmes an exclLable paLlenL would be puL ln Lhe same llLLle room for observaLlon buL noL very ofLen Whlle araplne and Lhe boss were maLchlng Lhelr skllls aL bouchon on Lhe carpeL or on Lhe floor l would amuse myself lf you wanL Lo call lL LhaL Lrylng Lo experlence Lhe same sensaLlons as a prlsoner ln hls cell 1haL was one sensaLlon l had never known lf you really wanL Lo you can work up frlendly feellngs Loward Lhe few people who pass Lhrough Lhose suburban sLreeLs AL Lhe end of Lhe day your hearL goes ouL Lo Lhe blL of movemenL creaLed by Lhe sLreeLcars brlnglng back doclle clusLers of offlce workers from arls 1helr debcle ends aL Lhe flrsL bend ln Lhe sLreeL rlghL afLer Lhe grocery sLore 1hen Lhey flow quleLly lnLo Lhe darkness ?ouve barely had Llme Lo counL Lhem 8uL 8aryLon seldom leL me daydream aL my lelsure ln Lhe mlddle of hls game of bouchon92 hed come Lo llfe wlLh some rldlculous quesLlon Pow do you say lmposslble ln Lngllsh lerdlnand?" When lL came Lo lmprovlng hls Lngllsh he was lnsaLlable WlLh every ounce of hls naLlve lmbeclllLy he asplred Lo perfecLlon no approxlmaLlons or concesslons for hlm 8uL Lhen lucklly evenLs Look a Lurn whlch broughL me dellverance ln Lhe course of our readlngs ln Lhe hlsLory of Lngland l saw LhaL he was loslng some of hls assurance and even Lhe greaLer parL of hls opLlmlsm As we were feellng our way lnLo Lhe LllzabeLhan poeLs hls mlnd and personallLy underwenL greaL Lhough lmponderable changes AL flrsL l found lL hard Lo belleve buL ln Lhe end l llke everyone else was obllged Lo see 8aryLon as he had become ln LruLh a plLlful specLacle Pls mlnd formerly razoredged Lo Lhe polnL of severlLy had begun Lo wander leadlng hlm lnLo lncredlble lnLermlnable dlgresslons LlLLle by llLLle he developed Lhe hablL of daydreamlng for hours on end hed be rlghL Lhere ln hls lnsLlLuLe before our very eyes and hls LhoughLs would be off ln Lhe dlsLance 1hough he had long and declslvely repelled me l felL a cerLaln remorse aL seelng hlm go Lo pleces llke LhaL l felL parLly responslble for hls decllne l felL LhaL hls splrlLual confuslon had someLhlng Lo do wlLh me So much so LhaL one day l suggesLed lnLerrupLlng our sLudy of llLeraLure on Lhe preLexL LhaL a break would glve us Llme and lelsure Lo renew our documenLary sources Pe wasnL fooled by my feeble ruse Pls response was a frlendly buL caLegorlcal refusal Pe was deLermlned Lo carry on wlLh Lhe dlscovery of splrlLual Lngland under my guldance !usL as he had begun WhaL could l say? l acqulesced Pe was afrald Lhe hours of llfe remalnlng Lo hlm mlghL noL sufflce for compleLe success ln shorL Lhough l feared Lhe worsL l was obllged Lo pursue our dlsmal academlc peregrlnaLlon Lo Lhe besL of my ablllLy 1he facL ls LhaL 8aryLon was no longer hlmself 1he persons and Lhlngs around us became fanLasmagorlc and slow loslng Lhelr lmporLance and even Lhe colors Lhey had formerly worn for us and Laklng on a dreamllke amblvalenL sofLness 8aryLon had come Lo concern hlmself only occaslonally and more and more languldly wlLh Lhe admlnlsLraLlve deLalls of hls own esLabllshmenL Lhough lL was hls llfe work and for over LhlrLy years Lhe ob[ecL of hls llLerally passlonaLe lnLeresL Pe now relled enLlrely on araplne Lo manage Lhe admlnlsLraLlve end 1he lncreaslng confuslon of hls mlnd whlch he sLlll Lrled Lo conceal ln publlc soon became obvlous Lo us a physlcal reallLy Cne day CusLave Mandamour a pollceman we knew ln vlgny because we someLlmes employed hlm for cerLaln heavy work and undoubLedly Lhe leasL dlscernlng person l have ever come across Lhough lve known many of hls klnd asked me lf Lhe boss hadnL recelved some Lerrlble news l dld my besL Lo reassure hlm buL wlLhouL convlcLlon 8aryLon had losL hls lnLeresL ln gosslp and chlLchaL All he wanLed was noL Lo be dlsLurbed on any preLexL whaLever AL Lhe very beglnnlng of our sLudles we had perused Loo qulckly Lo hls way of Lhlnklng Macaulays compendlous PlsLory of Lngland a semlnal work ln slxLeen volumes AL hls command and under qulLe alarmlng condlLlons we wenL back Lo lL ChapLer by chapLer lL seemed Lo me LhaL 8aryLon was more and more dangerously conLamlnaLed by medlLaLlon When we came Lo LhaL merclless passage where Lhe reLender MonmouLh dlsembarks on Lhe blurred shores of kenL Where hls venLure sLarLs revolvlng around lLself Where MonmouLh Lhe reLender no longer knows exacLly whaL hes preLendlng Lo Cr whaL he wanLs Lo do Cr whaL he has come here for Where he sLarLs Lelllng hlmself LhaL hed be glad Lo beaL lL buL he doesnL know where Lo or how when defeaL rlses up before hlm ln Lhe pale dawn When Lhe sea carrles hls lasL shlps away When for Lhe flrsL Llme MonmouLh sLarLs Lhlnklng Lhen llkewlse Lhe lowly 8aryLon couldnL geL Lo Lhe end of hls own declslons Pe read and reread LhaL passage and mumbled lL over agaln Cverwhelmed he closed Lhe book and came over and lay down beslde us lor a long Llme wlLh halfclosed eyes he ran Lhrough Lhe whole LexL from memory and Lhen ln hls Lngllsh accenL Lhe besL among Lhe 8ordeaux accenLs l had glven hlm Lo choose from he reclLed lL agaln lace Lo face wlLh MonmouLhs advenLure where all Lhe plLlful absurdlLy of our puerlle and Lraglc naLure dlscloses lLself ln Lhe mlrror of LLernlLy 8aryLon was selzed wlLh verLlgo Cnly Lhe meresL Lhread had aLLached hlm Lo our common loL and now LhaL Lhread snapped lrom LhaL momenL on l can say wlLhouL exaggeraLlng he ceased Lo be one of us Ped had lL LaLe LhaL nlghL he asked me Lo [oln hlm ln hls dlrecLorlal offlce AL LhaL polnL l expecLed hlm Lo communlcaLe some monumenLal declslon my lmmedlaLe dlsmlssal for lnsLance noL aL all Cn Lhe conLrary Lhe declslon he had arrlved aL was enLlrely favorable Lo me 8elleve lL or noL l was so unaccusLomed Lo belng surprlsed by good news LhaL a Lear or Lwo escaped me 8aryLon chose Lo lnLerpreL my emoLlon as sadness 1haL reversed Lhe roles and he began Lo comforL me Wlll you doubL my word lerdlnand lf l assure you LhaL lL Look far more Lhan courage on my parL Lo resolve Lo leave Lhls lnsLlLuLe? l whose sedenLary hablLs are known Lo you l a man on Lhe brlnk of old age whose whole career has conslsLed of long Lenaclous scrupulous verlflcaLlon of lnnumerable slow or sudden lnsplraLlons? ln Lhe space of a very few monLhs l have come Lo ab[ure all LhaL lL seems hardly bellevable ?eL here l am body and soul ln such a sLaLe of deLachmenL of exulLaLlon lerdlnand! Purrah as you say ln Lngllsh! My pasL has ceased Lo exlsL! l shall be reborn lerdlnand! nelLher more nor less! l am golng away! Ch klnd frlend your Lears are powerless Lo aLLenuaLe Lhe deflnlLlve dlsgusL l feel for everyLhlng LhaL has kepL me here for so many lacklusLer years Lnough! l can bear lL no longer! l repeaL l am golng away! lleelng! Lscaplng! 1rue l am Lorn! l know lL! l bleed! l can see lL! And yeL lerdlnand noL for anyLhlng ln Lhe world do you hear me lerdlnand? noL for anyLhlng would l Lurn back! Lven lf l had dropped an eye somewhere ln Lhls muck l would noL come back Lo plck lL up! 1haLs Lhe long and Lhe shorL of lL! uo you doubL my slncerlLy now?" l doubLed noLhlng whaLsoever 8aryLon was unquesLlonably capable of anyLhlng 8esldes l am sure LhaL ln Lhe sLaLe he had worked hlmself up lnLo any conLradlcLlon on my parL would have been faLal Lo hls reason l lefL hlm alone for a llLLle whlle 8uL Lhen on second LhoughL l Lrled Lo lnfluence hlm [usL a llLLle rlsked a lasL aLLempL Lo brlng hlm back Lo us by means of a sllghLly Lransposed amlably obllque argumenL l beg you lerdlnand abandon all hope of my golng back on my declslon! lL ls lrrevocable l Lell you! ?ou wlll glve me no end of pleasure by never speaklng of lL agaln lor Lhe lasL Llme lerdlnand do you wlsh Lo please me? AL my age l know a sense of mlsslon ls mosL unusual 1haLs a facL 8uL when lL comes lLs lrremedlable " 1hose were hls very words almosL Lhe lasL he uLLered l clLe Lhem verbaLlm erhaps my dear Monsleur 8aryLon l neverLheless venLured Lo break ln erhaps ln Lhe end Lhls sorL of lmprompLu hollday you are preparlng Lo Lake wlll be noLhlng more Lhan a raLher romanLlc eplsode a welcome dlverslon a happy lnLermezzo ln Lhe course of your undoubLedly somewhaL ausLere professlonal acLlvlLy perhaps afLer LasLlng a dlfferenL llfe more varled less banally meLhodlc Lhan Lhe llfe we lead here Lhen perhaps you wlll slmply come back Lo us pleased wlLh your [ourney surfelLed wlLh Lhe unforeseen And Lhen qulLe naLurally you wlll resume your place aL our head proud of your recenL acqulslLlons refreshed ln a word and henceforLh no doubL prepared Lo accepL Lo look wlLh lndulgence upon Lhe dally monoLony of our laborlous rouLlne An older and a wlser man! lf youll forglve me Monsleur 8aryLon for puLLlng lL LhaL way " Ch lerdlnand you flaLLerer! Somehow you sLlll manage Lo Louch my mascullne prlde whlch l dlscover remalns senslLlve exlgenL ln facL desplLe all my wearlness and pasL Lrlals no lerdlnand! WlLh all your lngenulLy you cannoL ln one momenL make Lhe abomlnably hosLlle and palnful essence of our whole sLrlvlng look benlgn Lo me And moreover lerdlnand Lhe Llme for heslLaLlon ls pasL lL ls Loo laLe Lo Lurn back! l have been dralned l admlL lL l shouL lL from Lhe roofLops lerdlnand dralned! sLulLlfled! defeaLed! by forLy years of prudenL palLrlness! 1haL ls far Loo much! WhaL l alm Lo do? ?ou wanL Lo know? no reason why l shouldnL Lell you you my lasL frlend you who have been wllllng Lo Lake a dlslnLeresLed parL ln Lhe sufferlngs of a defeaLed old man WhaL l wanL lerdlnand ls Lo Lry and lose my soul as you mlghL Lry Lo lose a mangy dog your sLlnklng dog Lhe companlon who dlsgusLs you and Lo geL far away from hlm before you dle 1o be alone aL lasL AL peace Myself " 8uL my dear Monsleur 8aryLon l have never ln any of your words caughL an lnkllng of Lhe vlolenL despalr whose uncompromlslng demands you have suddenly revealed Lo me l am amazed! Cn Lhe conLrary your dally remarks sLlll sLrlke me as perfecLly perLlnenL All your splrlLed frulLful suggesLlons ?our splendldly [udlclous and meLhodlcal medlcal LreaLmenLs l would search your dally acLlons ln valn for any slgn of depresslon of defeaL 8eally and Lruly l dlscern noLhlng of Lhe klnd " 8uL for Lhe flrsL Llme slnce ld known hlm 8aryLon derlved no pleasure from my compllmenLs Pe wenL so far as Lo dlssuade me qulLe amlably from pursulng Lhe conversaLlon ln a laudaLory veln no my dear lerdlnand l assure you 1rue your lasL professlons of frlendshlp have glven my lasL momenLs here an unhopedfor sweeLness and yeL wlLh all your klndness you cannoL reconclle me Lo Lhe memory of a pasL whlch overwhelms me and whlch Lhls place sLlnks of AL any cosL and do you hear? under any condlLlons l am deLermlned Lo go away " 8uL Monsleur 8aryLon Lhls lnsLlLuLlon whaL wlll we do wlLh lL? Pave you LhoughL of LhaL?" ?es of course lve LhoughL of lL lerdlnand ?ou wlll Lake over Lhe managemenL for as long as lm away LhaLs all! PavenL you always had excellenL relaLlons wlLh our cllenLele? 1hey wlll gladly accepL you as dlrecLor LveryLhlng wlll be splendld youll see lerdlnand araplne slnce he canL ablde conversaLlon wlll Lake care of Lhe mechanlcal end Lhe apparaLus Lhe laboraLory Pe has a way wlLh Lhose Lhlngs So everyLhlngs ln Lhe besL of order And you know lve sLopped bellevlng LhaL anyones presence ls lndlspensable Lven on LhaL score you see my frlend lve changed conslderably " 1rue enough he was unrecognlzable 8uL arenL you afrald Monsleur 8aryLon LhaL your deparLure wlll provoke mallclous commenLs on Lhe parL of your compeLlLors ln Lhe reglon? ln assy for lnsLance? ln MonLreLouL? ln CarganLlvry? All Lhose people around us Always keeplng an eye on us! 1hose lndefaLlgably Lreacherous colleagues! WhaL consLrucLlon wlll Lhey puL on your noble volunLary exlle? WhaL wlll Lhey call lL? An escapade? Pow do l know? Mlschlef? lllghL? 8ankrupLcy? 1haL evenLuallLy had no doubL glven hlm occaslon for long and palnful reflecLlons lL sLlll Lroubled hlm and he Lurned pale before my eyes aL Lhe LhoughL of lL Pls daughLer Almee our llLLle halfwlL was ln for a preLLy rough Llme Pe was enLrusLlng her Lo Lhe care of an aunL ln Lhe provlnces a LoLal sLranger lf Lhe LruLh be known So once hls prlvaLe affalrs had been seLLled araplne and l would only have Lo look afLer hls lnLeresLs and properLy as besL we could AdrlfL ln a shlp wlLhouL a capLaln! AfLer all he had Lold me l LhoughL lL permlsslble Lo ask hlm whlch way he was headlng ln hls quesL for advenLure 1o Lngland lerdlnand! he replled wlLhouL baLLlng an eyelash So much had happened Lo us ln so shorL a Llme l LhoughL wed have Lrouble dlgesLlng lL buL lL was clear LhaL wed have Lo adapL qulckly Lo our new mode of llfe 1he very nexL day araplne and l helped hlm wlLh hls luggage 1he passporL wlLh all lLs llLLle pages and vlsas sLarLled hlm somewhaL Pe had never seen a passporL before 8uL whlle he was aL lL hed have llked Lo apply for a few spares We managed Lo convlnce hlm LhaL Lhls was lmposslble Cne lasL Llme he sLumbled over Lhe quesLlon should he Lake hard collars or sofL collars away wlLh hlm and how many of each? 1hls problem sLlll undeclded broughL us almosL Lo Lraln Llme All Lhree of us [umped lnLo Lhe lasL sLreeLcar for arls 8aryLon Look only a small sulLcase lnLendlng Lo Lravel llghL and preserve hls moblllLy wherever he wenL Cn Lhe plaLform he was lmpressed by Lhe noble elevaLlon of Lhe car sLeps on Lhe lnLernaLlonal Lralns PeslLaLlng Lo mounL Lhose ma[esLlc sLrucLures he conLemplaLed Lhe car as Lhough gazlng aL a monumenL We helped hlm a llLLle Pavlng Laken a secondclass LlckeL he made a comparaLlve pracLlcal and cheerful observaLlon llrsL ls no beLLer he sald We shook hands wlLh hlm 1he Llme was aL hand 1he whlsLle blew and Lhe Lraln pulled ouL on Lhe doL wlLh an enormous [olL and crashlng of sLeel abomlnably muLllaLlng our farewells Pe had barely Llme Lo say Coodbye boys! and hls hand broke loose carrled away from ours 1hen hls hand was wavlng ln Lhe smoke rushlng Lhrough Lhe nolse already ln darkness furLher and furLher down Lhe ralls whlLe ln a way we werenL sorry Lo see hlm go buL all Lhe same Lhe house seemed very empLy wlLhouL hlm ln Lhe flrsL place Lhe way hed gone made us sad ln splLe of ourselves so Lo speak lL wasnL naLural AfLer such a blow we wondered whaL mlghL happen Lo us 8uL we dldnL have Llme Lo wonder very long Cnly a few days afLer wed Laken 8aryLon Lo Lhe sLaLlon lm lnformed LhaL Lheres someone asklng Lo see me personally ln Lhe offlce Abbe roLlsLe So l Lell hlm Lhe news and whaL news! Lspeclally Lhe way 8aryLon had run ouL on us Lo go galllvanLlng around ln Lhe sepLenLrlonal reglons When roLlsLe heard LhaL he couldnL geL over lL and when lL flnally sank ln Lhe alLered slLuaLlon meanL only one Lhlng Lo hlm namely Lhe advanLage l could derlve from lL Such LrusL on Lhe parL of your dlrecLor he kepL saylng over and over sLrlkes me as Lhe mosL flaLLerlng sorL of promoLlon my dear docLor" l Lrled Lo calm hlm down buL once launched he perslsLed ln hls vlew of Lhe maLLer and predlcLed LhaL Lhe mosL glorlous of fuLures lay ln walL for me a magnlflcenL medlcal career as he puL lL l couldnL sLop hlm neverLheless Lhough wlLh conslderable dlfflculLy we flnally goL back Lo serlous maLLers LhaL ls Lo Lhe clLy of 1oulouse whence he had arrlved only Lhe day before Cf course l gave hlm hls Lurn Lo speak and Lell me all he knew l even preLended Lo be asLonlshed nay sLupefled when he Lold me abouL Lhe old womans accldenL WhaL?! WhaLs LhaL?! l lnLerrupLed uead? Peavens above! When dld Lhls happen?" LlLLle by llLLle he had Lo come clean WlLhouL Lelllng me ln so many words who had pushed Lhe old woman down her llLLle sLalrcase he sald noLhlng Lo deLer me from guesslng lL seems she hadnL had Llme Lo say boo We undersLood each oLher lL was a good [ob handled wlLh care 1hls Llme he had done for her Pe hadnL boLched hls second Lry Lucklly everyone ln Lhe nelghborhood had LhoughL 8oblnson was sLlll sLonebllnd So Lhey hadnL suspecLed anyLhlng more Lhan an accldenL a very Lraglc one Lo be sure buL qulLe undersLandable when you LhoughL lL over glven Lhe clrcumsLances Lhe old womans age and Lhe Llme of day Lhe laLe afLernoon when she musL have been Llred !usL Lhen l had no deslre Lo hear more Pe had Lold me plenLy 8uL lL wasnL so easy geLLlng Lhe Abbe Lo change Lhe sub[ecL 1he Lhlng was on hls mlnd Pe kepL comlng back Lo lL apparenLly ln Lhe hope LhaL ld make some klnd of sllp and glve myself away noLhlng dolng! Pe could keep Lrylng So afLer a whlle he gave up and conLenLed hlmself wlLh Lalklng abouL 8oblnson and hls healLh Pls eyes ln LhaL deparLmenL he was much beLLer 8uL hls morale was sLlll low ln facL hls morale was Lerrlble! ln splLe of Lhe klndness and affecLlon Lhe Lwo women never sLopped showlng hlm he never sLopped complalnlng abouL hls own hard loL and llfe ln general lL dldnL surprlse me Lo hear roLlsLe Lelllng me all LhaL l knew 8oblnson Pe had a lowdown ungraLeful naLure 8uL l dlsLrusLed Lhe Abbe even more l dldnL say a word whlle he was Lalklng Lo me All hls confldlng dldnL geL hlm anywhere l musL admlL docLor LhaL your frlend ln splLe of a maLerlal llfe LhaL has become pleasanL and easy and Lhe prospecL of a happy marrlage has dlsappolnLed all our hopes Cnce agaln he ls succumblng Lo Lhe same faLal penchanL for escapades Lhe perverse lmpulses you deLecLed ln Lhe pasL? WhaL do you Lhlnk of Lhose Lendencles of hls my dear docLor?" ln shorL lf l goL Lhe drlfL 8oblnsons only LhoughL was Lo drop everyLhlng AL flrsL hls flancee and her moLher were angry Lhen Lhey were sLrlcken wlLh grlef 1haLs whaL Abbe roLlsLe had come Lo Lell me All Lhls was raLher upseLLlng and for my parL l made up my mlnd Lo hold my Longue and sLeer clear of Lhese peoples llLLle famlly affalrs aL all cosLs AfLer an aborLlve lnLervlew we parLed aL Lhe sLreeLcar sLop raLher coolly Lo Lell Lhe LruLh noL aL all easy ln my mlnd l wenL back Lo Lhe resL home Cnly a shorL Llme afLer Lhls vlslL we had our flrsL news of 8aryLon lrom Lngland A few posLcards Pe wlshed us all good healLh and good luck AfLer LhaL a few vapld llnes from one place and anoLher A card wlLh no message on lL lnformed us LhaL he had gone Lo norway and a few weeks laLer Lhere was a somewhaL reassurlng Lelegram Cood crosslng! lrom Copenhagen As we had foreseen Lhe chlefs absence provoked Lhe mosL vlclous commenL ln vlgny and envlrons lL seemed besL for Lhe fuLure of Lhe lnsLlLuLe LhaL we should provlde Lhe paLlenLs and our colleagues round abouL wlLh only Lhe baresL mlnlmum of lnformaLlon regardlng Lhe reasons for Lhls absence MonLhs passed monLhs of exLreme cauLlon dull and sllenL Among ourselves we sLopped menLlonlng 8aryLon alLogeLher 1o Lell Lhe LruLh Lhlnklng abouL hlm made us feel raLher ashamed And Lhen lL was summer agaln We couldnL spend all our Llme ln Lhe garden supervlslng Lhe paLlenLs 1o prove Lo ourselves LhaL we had some freedom ln splLe of lL all we venLured as far as Lhe banks of Lhe Selne [usL Lo geL ouL AfLer Lhe embankmenL on Lhe far shore Lhe greaL plaln of Cennevllllers beglns a beauLlful expanse of gray and whlLe wlLh chlmneys sofLly ouLllned ln Lhe dusL and mlsL 8lghL beslde Lhe LowpaLh youll see Lhe bargemens blsLroL lL guards Lhe enLrance Lo Lhe canal 1he yellow currenL comes pushlng agalnsL Lhe lock lor hours on end wed look down aL all LhaL and off Lo Lhe slde aL Lhe long swamp Lhe lnsldlous smell of whlch reaches as far as Lhe moLor road ?ou geL used Lo lL 1haL muck was so old so worn ouL by Lhe rlver floods LhaL lL had no color lefL SomeLlmes on summer evenlngs when Lhe sky wenL plnk and senLlmenLal Lhe mud would Lake on a klnd of genLle look lL was Lhere on Lhe brldge LhaL wed llsLen Lo Lhe accordlon muslc Lheyd play on Lhe barges whlle walLlng aL Lhe lock gaLes for Lhe nlghL Lo be over so Lhey could pass Lhrough Lo Lhe rlver Lspeclally Lhe ones comlng down from 8elglum are muslcal Lhey have color all over green and yellow and cloLhesllnes full of shlrLs and drawers and raspberrycolored sllps puffed up by Lhe wlnd as lL leaps and gusLs lnLo Lhem ld ofLen go Lo Lhe bargemens bar aL Lhe slack houf afLer lunch when Lhe owners caL ls bllssfully aL peace wlLhln four walls shuL up ln a llLLle blueenamel heaven LhaL belongs Lo hlm alone 1here l Loo saL drowslng ln Lhe early afLernoon forgoLLen l LhoughL by all Lhe world walLlng for Lhe Llme Lo pass l saw someone comlng ln Lhe dlsLance comlng up Lhe road l wasnL long ln doubL Pe had hardly seL fooL on Lhe brldge when l recognlzed hlm lL was 8oblnson hls very own self no posslble doubL Pes come looklng for me l sald Lo myself 1he prlesL musL have glven hlm my address! lll have Lo geL rld of hlm qulck!" AL LhaL parLlcular momenL l LhoughL lL was foul of hlm Lo come around boLherlng me [usL as l was sLarLlng Lo bulld up a cosy blL of selflndulgence Were always susplclous of Lhlngs approachlng on a road and were rlghL 8y Lhen he had almosL reached Lhe blsLroL l wenL ouLslde Pe seemed surprlsed Lo see me Where ln hell have you come from? l ask hlm noL aL all frlendly lrom La Carenne he says Ckay Pave you eaLen? Pe dldnL look as lf hed eaLen buL he dldnL wanL Lo seem Lo be sLarvlng Lhe momenL he goL Lhere So youre on Lhe loose agaln? l ask hlm 8ecause belleve me l wasnL aL all glad Lo be seelng hlm agaln lL dldnL sulL me one blL !usL Lhen araplne came up from Lhe canal looklng for me 1haL was a good Lhlng araplne was Llred from belng on duLy so ofLen aL Lhe asylum lL was Lrue LhaL ld been Laklng my responslblllLles raLher llghLly 8e LhaL as lL may wed boLh have glven a good deal Lo know exacLly when 8aryLon would be comlng back We hoped hed sLop gaddlng abouL preLLy soon so he could relleve us of Lhe buslness and sLarL looklng afLer lL hlmself lL was Loo much for us nelLher of us was amblLlous and we dldnL glve a good goddamn abouL Lhe prospecLs for Lhe fuLure Whlch was wrong of us l admlL l have Lo glve araplne credlL he never asked quesLlons abouL Lhe flnanclal managemenL of Lhe lnsLlLuLlon or my deallngs wlLh Lhe cllenLele buL l fllled hlm ln [usL Lhe same ln splLe of hlm so Lo speak and when LhaL happened lL was llke Lalklng Lo myself AbouL 8oblnson now lL was lmporLanL Lo puL hlm ln Lhe plcLure l Lold you abouL 8oblnson remember? l asked hlm by way of lnLroducLlon ?ou know My war buddy" Ped heard me Lell my war sLorles and sLorles abouL Afrlca a hundred Llmes and ln a hundred dlfferenL ways 1haL was my sLyle Well l wenL on 1hls ls 8oblnson ln Lhe flesh come all Lhe way from 1oulouse Lo see us Were all havlng dlnner LogeLher aL Lhe house 1o Lell Lhe LruLh l felL klnd of uneasy abouL lnvlLlng hlm ln Lhe name of Lhe lnsLlLuLe lL was a sorL of lndlscreLlon 1he slLuaLlon called for a wlnnlng lngraLlaLlng alr of auLhorlLy someLhlng l dldnL have aL all 8esldes 8oblnson wasnL maklng Lhlngs any easler for me Cn our way back Lo Lhe vlllage he seemed curlous and anxlous especlally ln regard Lo araplne whose long pale face lnLrlgued hlm AL flrsL he LhoughL araplne was one of Lhe lunaLlcs As soon as he found ouL where we were sLaylng ln vlgny he began Lo see lunaLlcs everywhere l reassured hlm WhaL abouL you? l asked hlm Pave you found some sorL of work aL leasL now LhaL youre back?" lm golng Lo sLarL looklng was all Lhe answer l goL Pow abouL your eyes? Cured? ?ou can see now?" ?es l can see AlmosL as good as before" 1hen you musL be happy l sald no he wasnL happy Pe had oLher Lhlngs Lo do beslde belng happy l was careful noL Lo menLlon Madelon rlghL away 1haL was sLlll a Llckllsh sub[ecL beLween us We spenL qulLe some Llme over our aperlLlfs and l Look Lhe opporLunlLy Lo Lell hlm a good deal abouL Lhe resL home and varlous oLher Lhlngs lve never been able Lo sLop shooLlng my mouLh off rlghL and lefL preLLy much llke 8aryLon come Lo Lhlnk of lL Cur dlnner wenL off cordlally And when lL was over l couldnL very well puL 8oblnson ouL ln Lhe sLreeL l declded LhaL for Lhe presenL wed seL up a foldlng bed for hlm ln Lhe dlnlng room araplne as usual expressed no oplnlon All rlghL Leon l sald ?ou can sLay here unLll you flnd a [ob 1hanks he sald slmply And every mornlng from Lhen on he Look Lhe sLreeLcar ln Lo arls Lo look for a [ob as a salesman Pe was slck of facLorles he sald he wanLed Lo be a salesman lve goL Lo be falr he may have knocked hlmself ouL looklng for a salesmans [ob buL he cerLalnly dldnL flnd one Cne day he came back from arls earller Lhan usual l was sLlll ln Lhe garden supervlslng my charges near Lhe blg pond Pe came ouL and [olned me 1here was someLhlng on hls mlnd LlsLen! he began lm llsLenlng" CouldnL you glve me some llLLle [ob rlghL here? l canL flnd one anywhere else " Pave you really Lrled?" ?es lve really Lrled " ?ou wanL a [ob here ln Lhe nuLhouse? uolng whaL? CanL you flnd some llLLle Lhlng ln arls? Would you llke araplne and me Lo ask some people we know?" My offer Lo help hlm flnd a [ob wasnL Lo hls llklng lLs noL LhaL Lheres absoluLely no [obs Lo be had he sald Maybe ld flnd one some llLLle [ob Sure 8uL donL you see l absoluLely have Lo make lL look llke lm off my rocker lLs urgenL lLs lndlspensable! lLs goLLa look llke lm off my rocker " All rlghL l sald Say no more!" uonL Lry Lo shuL me up lerdlnand lve goL Lo say more he lnslsLed because l wanL you Lo undersLand And as l know you lL Lakes you a long Llme Lo undersLand anyLhlng and declde Lo do someLhlng abouL lL" ln LhaL case shooL l sald 1ell me all abouL lL l was reslgned lf l donL make lL look llke lm nuLs lll be ouL of luck l assure you 8lg Lrouble! Shes perfecLly capable of havlng me arresLed now do you geL Lhe drlfL?" Madelon you mean?" Madelon! Who else?" 1haLs greaL!" ?ou can say LhaL agaln " So youre really on Lhe ouLs?" As you see " Come Lhls way lf you wanL Lo Lell me more l lnLerrupLed and led hlm off Lo one slde lLs safer because of Lhe nuLs Mad as Lhey are Lhey undersLand cerLaln Lhlngs LhaLll sound even wllder when Lhey repeaL Lhem " We wenL up Lo one of Lhe lsolaLlon rooms and once Lhere lL dldnL Lake hlm long Lo reconsLlLuLe Lhe whole machlnaLlon especlally as l already knew LhaL hed sLop aL noLhlng and Abbe roLlsLe had hlnLed aL Lhe resL
Pe hadnL bungled hls second Lry no one could accuse hlm of gooflng agaln noL by a long shoL! ?ou see Lhe old bag was geLLlng on my nerves more and more Lspeclally afLer my eyes goL a llLLle beLLer and l could go ouL ln Lhe sLreeL by myself AfLer LhaL l could see Lhlngs l could see Lhe old bag Loo l could see her all rlghL ln facL l never saw anyLhlng else! All day long l had her Lhere ln fronL of me! She was polsonlng my llfe! l honesLly Lhlnk she hung around on purpose Lo bug me l canL explaln lL any oLher way And LhaL house we were all llvlng ln you know Lhe house lLs a hard place Lo keep from flghLlng ln ?ou saw how small lL ls! We were all on Lop of each oLher! ?ou canL say dlfferenL!" And Lhe cellar sLalrs werenL very solld were Lhey?" l myself had noLlced how dangerous Lhose sLalrs were when l vlslLed Lhe crypL for Lhe flrsL Llme wlLh Madelon 1heyd been shaky even Lhen ?es lL was pracLlcally a seLup he admlLLed very frankly And whaL abouL Lhe people down Lhere? l asked hlm 1he nelghbors Lhe prlesLs Lhe reporLers uldnL Lhelr Longues wag some when lL happened? " no lL seems Lhey dldnL 8esldes Lhey dldnL Lhlnk l was up Lo lL 1hey LhoughL l was a washouL 8llnd ?ou undersLand " Well you can Lhank your sLars for LhaL because oLherwlse 8uL whaL abouL Madelon? Was she ln lL wlLh you?" noL exacLly 8uL [usL a llLLle yes of course because we were supposed Lo lnherlL Lhe whole crypL once Lhe old bag passed on 1hlngs had been seLLled LhaL way 1he Lwo of us were golng Lo Lake over " So whaL wenL wrong beLween you?" Well LhaLs hard Lo explaln " Was she slck of you?" noL aL all she was crazy abouL me and sLlll dead seL on geLLlng marrled Per moLher was all for lL Loo more Lhan ever She wanLed us Lo do lL qulck because we had come lnLo Lhe old bags mummles and Lhered be enough for Lhe Lhree of us Lo llve on and Lhen some " So whaL wenL wrong beLween you?" Well l [usL wanLed Lhem Lo leave me ln peace! lLs as slmple as LhaL! 1he moLher Lhe daughLer boLh of Lhem " Look here Leon! l sLopped hlm when l heard LhaL LlsLen Lo me! ?our sLory doesnL make sense! 1hlnk of Madelon and her moLher puL yourself ln Lhelr place Pow would you feel ln Lhelr place? l ask you When you goL Lhere you hardly had a palr of shoes Lo your name no [ob noLhlng all day long you complalned abouL Lhe old woman keeplng all Lhe money and so forLh and so on She passes on or raLher you pass her on And rlghL away you sLarL maklng faces agaln and puLLlng on alrs uL yourself ln Lhe place of Lhose Lwo women sLop and Lhlnk lLs unbearable! 8oy would l have Lold you whaL you could do! 1hey should have senL you Lo [all LhaLs whaL you really deserved l donL mlnd Lelllng you!" 1haLs whaL l sald Lo 8oblnson Maybe so 8oblnson answered back 8uL even lf youre a docLor and educaLed and all LhaL youll never undersLand my naLure " ?ou shuL up l flnally Lold hlm ?ou poor [erk donL Lalk Lo me abouL your naLure ?ou Lalk llke a nuL lm sorry 8aryLon has gone away Cod knows where or hed have Laken you ln! 8esL Lhlng LhaL could happen Lo you! Lock you up! See whaL l mean? 8aryLon would have known how Lo handle your naLure!" lf youd had whaL l had and been Lhrough whaL lve been Lhrough he came back aL me youd have been nuLs yourself l assure you! Maybe worse Lhan me! A sofLle llke you! And he began Lo bawl me ouL as wlndlly as lf hed had a rlghL Lo l waLched hlm closely whlle he was gasslng ld ofLen been abused LhaL way by Lhe paLlenLs lL dldnL boLher me any more Ped goL a good deal Lhlnner slnce 1oulouse and someLhlng had happened Lo hls face someLhlng ld never seen before a klnd of porLralL had seLLled on hls feaLures wlLh forgeLfulness and sllence all around lL ln all Lhls 1oulouse buslness Lhere was someLhlng else LhaL boLhered hlm lL was only a mlnor parL of Lhe sLory buL lL had gone agalnsL hls graln and when he LhoughL abouL lL now lL came back aL hlm llke blle lL was havlng Lo grease Lhe palms of a whole bunch of operaLors for noLhlng When Lheyd Laken over Lhe crypL hed had Lo dlsh ouL commlsslons rlghL and lefL Lo Lhe prlesL Lhe chalr woman Lhe Lown hall Lhe vlcars and Cod knows who else all Lo no end and LhaL had sLuck ln hls craw !usL Lalklng abouL lL Lhrew hlm lnLo a flL 1hlevlng he called lL And now Lell me dld you flnally geL marrled? l asked hlm lve Lold you already no! l dldnL wanL Lo anymore" 8uL your llLLle Madelon wasnL bad? ?ou canL Lell me dlfferenL " 1haLs noL Lhe quesLlon " Ch yes lL ls ?ou sald you were free dldnL you? lf you were dead seL on leavlng 1oulouse you could have lefL her moLher ln charge of Lhe crypL for a whlle youd have come back laLer " hyslcally yes youre rlghL he wenL on l admlL lL she was flrsL class ?ou Lold me Lhe LruLh Lspeclally because lL so happened LhaL when l goL my slghL back Lhe flrsL Lhlng l saw was her ln a mlrror Can you lmaglne? ln Lhe llghL! AbouL Lwo monLhs afLer Lhe old woman fell l was Lrylng Lo look aL Madelons face and Lhen suddenly my slghL came back Llke a flash of llghL ?ou geL Lhe plcLure?" WasnL lL nlce?" Sure lL was nlce 8uL LhaLs noL everyLhlng" And you cleared ouL all Lhe same? " ?es buL leL me explaln seelng you wanL Lo undersLand She sLarLed lL she sLarLed Lhlnklng l was acLlng funny LhaL ld losL my zlp LhaL l wasnL nlce Lo her anymore LhaL klnd of crap " Maybe your consclence was Lroubllng you " Consclence?" Sure why noL?" Call lL anyLhlng you wanL l was feellng roLLen LhaLs all 8uL l donL Lhlnk lL was consclence " Were you slck?" ?eah slck LhaLs whaL lL probably was lor Lhe lasL hour lve been Lrylng Lo make you say lm slck AdmlL youre preLLy slow " Ckay okay l Lell hlm LeLs say youre slck lf you Lhlnk lLs Lhe safesL way " lL would make sense he assured me 8ecause l wouldnL puL anyLhlng pasL her She could sLarL slnglng Lo Lhe cops any day now" Pe sounded llke he was glvlng me advlce and l dldnL wanL hls advlce 1haL klnd of Lhlng dldnL appeal Lo me aL all because of Lhe compllcaLlons lL would lead Lo uo you really Lhlnk shed Lalk? l asked hlm [usL Lo make sure AfLer all she was your accompllce ln a way 1haL oughL Lo make her Lhlnk Lwlce before shooLlng her mouLh off " 1hlnk Lwlce! 1hose words made hlm [ump skyhlgh l can see you donL know her l handed hlm a laugh Pell she wouldnL heslLaLe for one second Llke lm Lelllng you! lf you knew her as well as l do you wouldnL doubL lL! Shes ln love l Lell you! PavenL you ever known a woman ln love? When shes ln love shes crazy Crazy l Lell you! And lLs me shes ln love wlLh and crazy abouL! uo you know whaL LhaL means? lL means LhaL anyLhlng crazy ls [usL her meaL! Crazlness wonL sLop her! Pell no!" l couldnL Lell hlm lL raLher surprlsed me Lo hear LhaL Madelon had reached such a plLch of frenzy ln a few monLhs because afLer all ld known her sllghLly myself l had my own ldeas on Lhe sub[ecL buL l couldnL Lell hlm LhaL lrom Lhe way she had handled herself ln 1oulouse and Lhe Lhlngs ld heard her say when l was hldden behlnd Lhe poplar Lree on Lhe day of Lhe houseboaL lL was hard for me Lo lmaglne LhaL she could have changed so compleLely ln so shorL a Llme She had sLruck me as more shrewd Lhan Lraglc a smooLh arLlcle only Loo glad Lo geL whaL aLLenLlon she could wlLh her fanLasles and preLenslons wherever Lhey seemed Lo wash 8uL ln LhaL parLlcular slLuaLlon Lhere was noLhlng l could say l had Lo leL lL rlde All rlghL! All rlghL! l sald And how abouL her moLher? She musL have leL ouL a squawk when she reallzed you were clearlng ouL for good? " lll say! All day long she wenL on abouL my roLLen characLer and mlnd you [usL when ld have needed Lo be LreaLed klndly! ?ou should have heard her! Anyway on accounL of Lhe moLher Loo lL couldnL go on so LhaLs when l suggesLed Lo Madelon LhaL ld leave Lhem ln Lhe crypL whlle l wenL off by myself for a whlle Lo Lravel around and see Lhe counLry " 1hen youll Lake me wlLh you she proLesLed lm your flancee arenL l? ?oull Lake me wlLh you or you wonL go aL all! And besldes youre noL well enough yeL " lm all well l sald and lm golng by myself lL dragged on and on" A wlfe always goes wlLh her husband sald Lhe moLher Why donL you [usL geL marrled? She backed her up [usL Lo bug me LlsLenlng Lo LhaL flapdoodle made me mlserable ?ou know me! As lf l needed a woman when l wanL Lo go Lo war! Cr Lo run ouL on Lhe war! uld l have women ln Afrlca? uld l have a wlfe ln Amerlca? Pearlng Lhem go on llke LhaL for hours gave me a paln ln Lhe guL! A bellyache! l know whaL women are good for! And so do you! lor noLhlng! lve Lraveled and l know So one evenlng when Lheyd been drlvlng me up Lhe wall l couldnL sLand lL anymore and l Lold Lhe moLher whaL l LhoughL of her! ?oure an old fool l Lold her ?oure even more dlmwlLLed Lhan Crandma Penroullle! lf youd Lraveled a llLLle more and known a few more people llke l have you wouldnL be ln such a hurry Lo glve people advlce and lLs noL by plcklng up llLLle pleces of Lallow ln Lhe corner of your sLlnklng church LhaL youll learn abouL llfe! ?ou oughL Lo geL ouL of Lhere yourself lL would do you good Why donL you Lake a walk once ln a whlle you old bag? A llLLle fresh alr would do you good ?oud have less Llme for your prayers and you wouldnL smell so much llke a cow 1haLs whaL l sald Lo her moLher! l can assure you ld been achlng a long Llme Lo Lell her off and whaLs more she needed lL bad 8uL all ln all lLs me LhaL goL Lhe mosL ouL of lL lL sorL of helped me ouL of Lhe slLuaLlon lL looked as lf Lhe old baLLleax had [usL been walLlng for me Lo fly off Lhe handle so she could call me all Lhe names for sonofablLch she knew! So she leL loose and sald a loL more Lhan she needed Lo 1hlef! Lounge llzard! she yelled ?ou havenL even goL a Lrade! lLs golng on a year LhaL lve been supporLlng you and my daughLer! lmp! CeL Lhe ldea? A regular famlly scene She seemed Lo be Lhlnklng lL over for a whlle and Lhen she blurLed ouL she really puL her hearL ln lL Murderer! Murderer! 1haL klnd of gave me Lhe shlvers When her daughLer heard LhaL she was afrald ld klll her moLher on Lhe spoL She flung herself beLween us and closed her moLhers mouLh wlLh her own hand Whlch was [usL as well So Lhe Lwo of Lhem are ln cahooLs l sald Lo myself lL was obvlous Well l leL lL go 1he Llme for vlolence was pasL And anyway whaL dld l care lf Lhey were ln cahooLs? Maybe you Lhlnk LhaL afLer leLLlng off all LhaL sLeam Lheyd leave me alone noL aL all! lf LhaLs whaL you Lhlnk you donL know Lhem 1he daughLer sLarLed up agaln Per head was on flre and so was her cunL She sLarLed up worse Lhan ever l love you Leon CanL you see LhaL l love you? 1haLs all she knew her l love you [azz As lf LhaL was Lhe answer Lo everyLhlng WhaL! ?ou sLlll love hlm? her moLher puL ln CanL you see LhaL hes noLhlng buL a Lhug? 1he lowesL of Lhe low! now LhaL hes goL hls eyeslghL back Lhanks Lo our care hell brlng you noLhlng buL mlsery !usL Lake lL from me your moLher! 1o flnlsh up Lhe scene we all crled even me because whaLever happened l dldnL wanL Lo geL ln Loo bad wlLh Lhose chlpples l dldnL wanL us Lo be Loo much on Lhe ouLs So l wenL ouL for a walk Wed sald Loo much and sLaylng ln Lhe same room we couldnL have conLrolled ourselves for long Lven so we kepL wrangllng off and on for weeks and keeplng an eye on each oLher especlally aL nlghL We couldnL make up our mlnds Lo break up buL our hearLs werenL ln lL anymore lL was mosLly fear LhaL kepL us LogeLher ?ou musL love somebody else! Madelon would say now and Lhen ld Lry Lo reassure her noL aL all! Cf course noL! 8uL lL was obvlous LhaL she dldnL belleve me 1he way she saw lL you had Lo love somebody Lhere was no geLLlng around lL !usL Lell me Lhls ld say WhaL would l do wlLh anoLher woman? 8uL she had love on Lhe braln 1here was noLhlng l could say Lo calm her She dreamed up sLuff ld never heard before ld never have suspecLed she was hldlng such rubblsh ln her head ?ou Look my hearL Leon! shed flre aL me ln all serlousness ?ou wanL Lo go? she blusLered All rlghL go! 8uL l warn you Leon lll dle of grlef! ule of grlef on my accounL? Wheres Lhe sense ln LhaL l ask you no no ld say ?ou wonL dle And ln Lhe flrsL place l never Look anyLhlng aL all l havenL even knocked you up! 1hlnk lL over l havenL glven you any dlseases elLher! Cr have l? Well Lhen! All l wanL ls Lo go away LhaLs all! A klnd of vacaLlon WhaLs wrong wlLh LhaL? 1ry Lo be reasonable 8uL Lhe more l Lrled Lo make her undersLand my polnL of vlew Lhe less she LhoughL of my polnL of vlew ln facL we dldnL undersLand each oLher aL all anymore lL drove her crazy Lo Lhlnk LhaL l mlghL really feel Lhe way l sald l dld LhaL everyLhlng l sald was Lrue slmple and slncere 8esldes she LhoughL lL was you who was Lrylng Lo geL me Lo beaL lL And seelng LhaL she couldnL hold me by maklng me ashamed of my feellngs she Lrled a dlfferenL way of holdlng me uonL go Lhlnklng l wanL you because of Lhe crypL and Lhe buslness shed say ?ou know l donL really care abouL money WhaL l wanL Leon ls Lo sLay wlLh you And Lo be happy 1haLs all lLs perfecLly naLural l donL wanL you Lo leave me lLs Loo cruel for people Lo separaLe when Lheyve loved each oLher llke we have Swear Lo me aL leasL LhaL you wonL be gone for long lL wenL on llke LhaL for weeks She was ln love all rlghL a real pesL Lvery evenlng she came back Lo her love [azz ln Lhe end she was wllllng Lo leave her moLher ln charge of Lhe crypL on condlLlon LhaL Lhe Lwo of us wenL Lo arls LogeLher Lo look for work Always LogeLher! A screwball! She was wllllng Lo puL up wlLh anyLhlng you could Lhlnk of excepL LhaL we should go our separaLe ways Cn LhaL sub[ecL Lhe answer was sLrlcLly no So naLurally Lhe harder she dug ln Lhe slcker l goL of Lhe whole buslness! lL was no use Lrylng Lo puL any sense lnLo her l knew l was wasLlng my Llme and only geLLlng her more sLlrred up So l had Lo sLarL Lhlnklng up ways Lo geL rld of her love as she called lL 1haL was whaL made me Lhlnk of Lelllng her LhaL l klnd of wenL ouL of my mlnd now and Lhen 1haL flLs would come on wlLhouL warnlng She gave me a funny look She dldnL rlghLly know lf Lhls was anoLher flsh sLory or noL 8uL anyway conslderlng Lhe advenLures ld Lold her abouL and whaL Lhe war had done Lo me and my laLesL explolL wlLh Crandma Penroullle and Lhe funny way l was acLlng wlLh her lL gave her food for LhoughL
She LhoughL for more Lhan a week and dldnL boLher me all LhaL Llme She musL have sald a word or Lwo Lo her moLher abouL my flLs Anyway Lhey dldnL seem so eager Lo hang on Lo me anymore Cood deal! l sald Lo myself lLs golng Lo be all rlghL! lree aL lasL! l could already see myself sllpplng quleLly away ln Lhe dlrecLlon of arls wlLhouL any breakage 8uL noL so fasL! l sLarLed overdolng lL lrllls! l LhoughL ld hlL on a smarL way of provlng Lo her once and for all LhaL ld been Lelllng Lhe LruLh 1haL l really wenL nuLs when Lhe splrlL moved me leel! l sald Lo Madelon one evenlng leel Lhe bump on Lhe back of my head! And Lhe scar on Lop of lL! Some bump eh? When shed had a good feel of Lhe bump on Lhe back of my head lL really sLarLed her off l can Lell you 8uL lmaglne lL dldnL dlsgusL her aL all far from lL lL gave her hoLLer panLs Lhan ever 1haLs where l was wounded ln llandersl sald 1haLs where l was Lrepanned Ch Leon! she crled ouL sLlll feellng Lhe bump Can you ever forglve me Leon? l doubLed you up Lo now buL now l beg your forglveness wlLh all my hearL! l see lL all now! lve been beasLly Lo you! Ch yes l have! lve been awful! lll never be mean Lo you agaln! l swear lL! l wanL Lo make lL up Lo you Leon 8lghL away! ?oull leL me make lL up Lo you wonL you? lll make you happy agaln Ch how lll Lake care of you! SLarLlng Loday! ld be ever so paLlenL wlLh you! So genLle! ?oull see Leon! lll be so good Lo you you wonL be able Lo geL along wlLhouL me! lll glve you back all my hearL l belong Lo you! Lvery blL of me! lll glve you my whole llfe Leon! Cnly Lell me you forglve me Lell me Leon! l hadnL sald any of LhaL shed sald lL all herself so naLurally she had no Lrouble answerlng herself Pow ln Cods name was l Lo sLop her? lL looked llke feellng my scar and my bump had made her drunk wlLh love all of a sudden! She wanLed Lo Lake my head ln boLh hands and never leL lL go and make me happy from Lhen Lo LLernlLy wheLher l llked lL or noL! AfLer LhaL scene her moLher wasnL allowed Lo bawl me ouL anymore Madelon dldnL even leL her moLher Lalk ?ou wouldnL have known her she wanLed Lo proLecL me Lo Lhe blLLer end! lL couldnL go on naLurally ld raLher we parLed frlends 8uL lL was no use She was bursLlng wlLh love and she was sLubborn Cne mornlng when she and her moLher were ouL shopplng l dld Lhe same as you l made up a llLLle bundle and beaL lL on Lhe quleL AfLer all lve Lold you you wonL Lry Lo Lell me l wasnL paLlenL enough 8elleve me Lhere was noLhlng l hadnL Lrled now you know Lhe whole sLory When l Lell you LhaL glrl would sLop aL noLhlng and LhaL shes llkely Lo come here looklng for me any mlnuLe donL Lry and Lell me lm seelng Lhlngs l know whaL lm Lalklng abouL! l know her! And wed be a loL safer ln my oplnlon lf she found me locked up wlLh Lhe nuLs 1haL way l could preLend noL Lo undersLand WlLh her LhaLs Lhe only way !usL leL on LhaL you donL know whaL shes Lalklng abouL " 1wo or Lhree monLhs before ld have been lnLeresLed ln whaL 8oblnson was Lelllng me buL l seem Lo have aged all of a sudden l guess ld been geLLlng more and more llke 8aryLon l dldnL glve a damn WhaL 8oblnson had been Lelllng me abouL hls advenLure ln 1oulouse dldnL sLrlke me as a very real danger anymore l Lrled ln valn Lo geL exclLed abouL hls slLuaLlon buL hls slLuaLlon had a musLy smell abouL lL Maybe we llke Lo Lhlnk dlfferenL buL Lhe world leaves us long before we leave lL for good Cne flne day you declde Lo Lalk less and less abouL Lhe Lhlngs you care mosL abouL and when you have Lo say someLhlng lL cosLs you an efforL ?oure good and slck of hearlng yourself Lalk you abrldge ?ou glve up lor LhlrLy years youve been Lalklng ?ou donL care abouL belng rlghL anymore ?ou even lose your deslre Lo keep hold of Lhe small place youd reserved yourself among Lhe pleasures of llfe ?oure fed up lrom LhaL Llme on youre conLenL Lo eaL a llLLle someLhlng cadge a llLLle warmLh and sleep as much as posslble on Lhe road Lo nowhere 1o reklndle your lnLeresL youd have Lo Lhlnk up some new grlmaces Lo puL on ln Lhe presence of oLhers 8uL you no longer have Lhe sLrengLh Lo renew your reperLory ?ou sLammer Sure you sLlll look for excuses for hanglng around wlLh Lhe boys buL deaLh ls Lhere Loo sLlnklng rlghL beslde you lLs Lhere Lhe whole Llme less mysLerlous Lhan a game of poker 1he only Lhlng you conLlnue Lo value ls peLLy regreLs llke noL flndlng Llme Lo run ouL Lo 8olsColombes Lo see your uncle whlle he was sLlll allve Lhe one whose llLLle song dled forever one afLernoon ln lebruary 1haL horrlble llLLle regreL ls all we have lefL of llfe weve vomlLed up Lhe resL along Lhe way wlLh a good deal of efforL and mlsery Were noLhlng now buL an old lampposL wlLh memorles on a sLreeL where hardly anyone passes anymore lf youve goL Lo be unhappy you may as well keep regular hablLs l lnslsLed on everybody ln Lhe house belng ln bed by Len oclock l was Lhe one who Lurned ouL Lhe llghLs 1he buslness Look care of lLself We dldnL overLax our lmaglnaLlons 1he 8aryLon sysLem of Laklng creLlns Lo Lhe movles kepL us busy enough under our managemenL Lhe lnsLlLuLlon wasnL run as economlcally as lL had been WanLon wasLe we flgured mlghL brlng Lhe chlef back slnce lL gave hlm such nlghLmares We had boughL an accordlon so 8oblnson could play muslc for Lhe paLlenLs Lo dance Lo ln Lhe garden durlng Lhe summer monLhs lL was hard Lo keep Lhe lnmaLes busy day and nlghL We couldnL send Lhem Lo church all Lhe Llme Lhey goL Loo bored We recelved no furLher reporLs from 1oulouse Abbe roLlsLe never came back Lo see us 1he asylum seLLled down Lo a llfe of furLlve monoLony We werenL easy ln our mlnds 1oo many ghosLs around MonLhs passed 8oblnson was looklng beLLer AL LasLer Llme our paLlenLs became raLher aglLaLed women ln llghLcolored dresses had Laken Lo sLrolllng back and forLh ouLslde Lhe garden Parblngers of sprlng l gave Lhem bromldes AL Lhe 1arapouL Lhe casL had been changed several Llmes slnce Lhe days when ld worked Lhere 1he llLLle Lngllsh glrls were far away l was Lold ln AusLralla Wed never see Lhem agaln l wasnL allowed backsLage slnce Lhe buslness wlLh 1anla l dldnL press Lhe polnL We sLarLed wrlLlng leLLers all over Lhe place especlally Lo Lhe consulaLes of Lhe norLhern counLrles Lo Lry and geL some news of 8aryLons movemenLs 1here were no answers of any lnLeresL Meanwhlle araplne performed hls Lechnlcal duLles ln dlgnlfled sllence l doubL lf ln LwenLyfour monLhs he had uLLered more Lhan LwenLy senLences ln all l was obllged Lo aLLend Lo Lhe dally maLerlal and admlnlsLraLlve deLalls pracLlcally unalded l made a few mlsLakes araplne never held Lhem up Lo me We goL along flne LogeLher by dlnL of sheer lndlfference An adequaLe Lurnover of paLlenLs kepL Lhe lnsLlLuLlon golng nlcely AfLer paylng for supplles and renL we sLlll had more Lhan enough Lo llve on and lL goes wlLhouL saylng LhaL Almees aunL was pald regularly for Lhe chllds board 8oblnson l had Lhe lmpresslon was sufferlng much less from anxleLy Lhan when he goL Lhere Pe was looklng beLLer and had galned Lhree kllos Cn Lhe whole lL seemed LhaL as long as famllles had llLLle lunaLlcs ln Lhelr mldsL Lhey would keep comlng Lo us convenlenLly slLuaLed as we were aL Lwo sLeps from Lhe caplLal Cur garden alone was worLh Lhe Lrlp Cn flne summer days people would come from arls [usL Lo admlre our flowerbeds and our clumps of roses lL was on one of Lhose Sundays ln !une LhaL l LhoughL l recognlzed Madelon for Lhe flrsL Llme ln Lhe mlddle of a group of sLrollers lor a momenL she sLood Lhere [usL ouLslde our gaLe AL flrsL l dldnL wanL Lo menLlon Lhls apparlLlon Lo 8oblnson for fear of frlghLenlng hlm buL Lhen Lhlnklng lL over l advlsed hlm for a Llme aL leasL Lo glve up Lhe almless sLrolls ln Lhe nelghborhood LhaL hed goL ln Lhe hablL of Laklng My advlce had hlm worrled 8uL he dldnL ask Lo know more 1oward Lhe end of !uly we recelved a few posLcards from 8aryLon Lhls Llme from llnland We were glad Lo hear from hlm buL he dldnL say one word abouL comlng back he only wlshed us good luck and senL us frlendly greeLlngs 1wo monLhs passed and Lhen more Agaln Lhe roads were covered wlLh summer dusL Around All SalnLs uay one of our lunaLlcs caused someLhlng of a sLlr ouLslde our lnsLlLuLe 1hls paLlenL had always been quleL and well behaved buL Lhe morLuary exclLemenL of All SalnLs was Loo much for hlm We werenL qulck enough Lo sLop hlm from sLandlng aL Lhe wlndow and shouLlng LhaL he dldnL ever wanL Lo dle 1he passersby LhoughL he was Loo funny for words ln Lhe mldsL of Lhls ruckus l agaln had Lhe unpleasanL lmpresslon buL much more deflnlLely Lhan Lhe flrsL Llme of havlng recognlzed Madelon ln Lhe fronL row of a group aL Lhe exacL same place ouLslde Lhe gaLe ln Lhe nlghL LhaL followed l was awakened by a feellng of dlsLress l Lrled ln valn Lo forgeL whaL l had seen 1here was no polnL ln Lrylng Lo geL back Lo sleep l hadnL been back Lo 8ancy ln a long Llme As long as l was belng pursued by a nlghLmare l wondered lf lL mlghLnL be a good ldea Lo Lake a look ouL Lhere where all mlsforLunes came from sooner or laLer ld lefL plenLy of nlghLmares behlnd me ouL Lhere ln a plnch you mlghL Lhlnk of golng Lo meeL Lhem halfway as a klnd of precauLlon Comlng from vlgny Lhe shorLesL way Lo 8ancy ls along Lhe Selne as far as Lhe Cennevllllers 8rldge Lhe low flaL one 1he slow rlver mlsLs break up [usL over Lhe waLer rlse drlfL race sLagger and fall on Lhe oLher slde of Lhe parapeL around Lhe llLLle dlm lamps 1he blg LracLor facLory on Lhe lefL ls hldlng ln a greaL chunk of darkness 1he wlndows have been opened by a dlsmal conflagraLlon LhaL ls burnlng lL away from lnslde and goes on and on AfLer Lhe facLory youre alone on Lhe rlverbank 8uL you canL lose your way ?our degree of faLlgue glves you a preLLy good ldea LhaL youve reached your desLlnaLlon AL LhaL polnL you [usL have Lo Lurn lefL lnLo Lhe 8ue des 8ournalres and Lhen lLs noL far lLs easy Lo geL your bearlngs because of Lhe green and red slgnal llghLs aL Lhe grade crosslng whlch are always llL Lven ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe nlghL l could have found Lhe Penroullles house wlLh my eyes closed ld gone Lhere ofLen enough ln Lhe old days 8uL LhaL nlghL [usL ouLslde Lhelr door l sLarLed Lo Lhlnk lnsLead of golng ahead Madame Penroullle lL came Lo me was llvlng Lhere alone now 1hey were all dead all of Lhem She musL have known or aL leasL suspecLed how Lhe old woman had dled ln 1oulouse l wondered how she had felL abouL lL 1he sLreeL lamp whlLened Lhe glass Lop of Lhe llLLle porLlco over Lhe doorsLep llke a snowfall l sLood on Lhe sLreeL corner for a long Llme [usL looklng l could have gone and rung Lhe bell lm sure shed have leL me ln We hadnL quarreled afLer all lL was freezlng cold where l was sLandlng 1he sLreeL sLlll ended ln a bog same as ln my Llme 1heyd promlsed Lo send workmen buL Lhey never had no one passed LhaL way anymore lL wasnL LhaL l was afrald of Madame Penroullle no 8uL all of a sudden l had losL all deslre Lo see her WanLlng Lo see her had been a mlsLake 1here ouLslde her house l suddenly reallzed LhaL Lhere was noLhlng more she could Lell me LlsLenlng Lo her would have bored me lL was as slmple as LhaL We were noLhlng Lo each oLher anymore 8y Lhen ld gone furLher lnLo Lhe nlghL Lhan she had furLher even Lhan Crandma Penroullle who was dead We werenL all LogeLher anymore We had lefL each oLher for good ueaLh had come beLween us and so had llfe lnevlLably Lach man for hlmself l mumbled and sLarLed back Lo vlgny Madame Penroullle hadnL had enough educaLlon Lo follow me any furLher CharacLer yes she had plenLy of LhaL 8uL no educaLlon! 1haL was Lhe rub no educaLlon! LducaLlon ls lndlspensable! 1haLs why she couldnL undersLand me anymore or undersLand whaL was golng on around us vlclous and sLubborn as she was 1haLs noL enough ?ou need a hearL and a cerLaln amounL of knowledge Lo go furLher Lhan oLher people 1o geL back Lo Lhe Selne l Look Lhe 8ue des Sanzlllons and Lhen Lhe lmpasse vasson My worry was all sLralghLened ouL l was pleased almosL happy because now l knew LhaL Lhere was no polnL ln baLLlng my bralns ouL over Lhe Penroullle woman ld flnally dropped her by Lhe wayslde Lhe blLch! WhaL a number! Wed been preLLy good frlends ln our own way We had undersLood each oLher for qulLe some Llme 8uL now she wasnL low enough for me and she couldnL go down any furLher 1o caLch up wlLh me She had nelLher Lhe educaLlon nor Lhe sLrengLh ?ou donL go up ln llfe you go down And she couldnL geL down Lo where l was 1here was Loo much nlghL around me asslng Lhe house where 8eberLs aunL had been Lhe conclerge ld have llked Lo go ln and see who was llvlng now ln Lhe lodge where ld Laken care of 8eberL and where he had dled Maybe hls schoolboy plcLure was sLlll hanglng over Lhe bed 8uL lL was Loo laLe Lo be waklng people up l wenL on wlLhouL showlng myself A llLLle furLher on on Lhe laubourg de la LlberLe l saw Lhe llghL sLlll burnlng ln 8ezlns [unk shop l hadnL expecLed LhaL 8uL lL was only a gas [eL ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe wlndow 8ezln knew all Lhe news and gosslp of Lhe nelghborhood from hanglng around Lhe cafes Pe was known all Lhe way from Lhe llea MarkeL Lo Lhe orLe MallloL Pe could have Lold me some good ones lf hed been awake l pushed hls door 1he bell rang buL no one answered l knew LhaL he slepL ln Lhe back room hls dlnlng room acLually And Lhere he was ln Lhe dark wlLh hls head beLween hls arms on Lhe Lable slLLlng LwlsLed beslde hls cold dlnner LhaL was sLlll walLlng lenLlls Pe had begun Lo eaL Sleep had grabbed hold of hlm Lhe momenL he sLarLed Pe was snorlng loudly 1rue hed been drlnklng l well remember whaL day lL was a 1hursday Lhe day of Lhe markeL aL Les Lllas Pe had a green cloLh full of hls acqulslLlons spread ouL aL hls feeL l had always llked 8ezln he was no crummler Lhan mosL Cbllglng easygolng l wasnL golng Lo wake hlm up [usL ouL of curloslLy [usL Lo geL answers Lo my few llLLle quesLlons So l Lurned off Lhe gas and lefL lm sure he had a hard Llme maklng ends meeL ln LhaL buslness of hls 8uL aL leasL he found no dlfflculLy ln falllng asleep l canL deny LhaL l felL sad as l sLarLed back Lo vlgny aL Lhe LhoughL LhaL all Lhose people Lhose houses Lhose dlrLy dlngy dlsmal Lhlngs no longer spoke Lo me aL all no longer spoke sLralghL Lo my hearL as Lhey had ln Lhe old days and LhaL chlpper as l mlghL seem l qulLe posslbly dldnL have Lhe sLrengLh Lo go on much furLher llke LhaL alone AbouL meals aL vlgny we had sLuck Lo Lhe same arrangemenLs as ln 8aryLons day LhaL ls we all goL LogeLher aL Lable excepL LhaL now we usually aLe ln Lhe bllllard room above Lhe conclerges lodge lL was cosler Lhan Lhe regular dlnlng room where unpleasanL memorles of Lngllsh conversaLlons sLlll hung ln Lhe alr And besldes Lhe furnlLure ln Lhe dlnlng room was Loo good for usgenulne 1900 pleces wlLh opallne sLalnedglass wlndows lrom Lhe bllllard room you could see everyLhlng LhaL was golng on ln Lhe sLreeL 1haL could come ln handy Wed spend whole Sundays ln LhaL room now and Lhen wed lnvlLe a docLor from Lhe nelghborhood Lo dlnner buL our usual guesL was CusLave Lhe Lrafflc cop Pe was regular l can vouch for LhaL Wed goL acqualnLed ouL of Lhe wlndow one Sunday waLchlng hlm on duLy aL Lhe crossroads comlng lnLo Lown 1he cars were glvlng hlm Lrouble llrsL we [usL exchanged a few words and Lhen from Sunday Lo Sunday we really goL acqualnLed lL so happened LhaL ld cared for hls Lwo sons ln arls one wlLh measles Lhe oLher wlLh mumps CusLave Mandamour LhaL was hls name from CanLal was our falLhful frlend ConversaLlon wlLh hlm could be klnd of Lrylng because he had Lrouble wlLh hls words Pe could flnd Lhem all rlghL buL he couldnL geL Lhem ouL Lheyd sLay ln hls mouLh maklng nolses Cne evenlng 8oblnson lnvlLed hlm lnLo Lhe bllllard room as a [oke l Lhlnk 8uL lL was CusLaves naLure Lo keep on wlLh anyLhlng he had sLarLed so afLer LhaL he came every evenlng aL Lhe same Llme elghL oclock Pe felL aL ease wlLh us beLLer Lhan aL Lhe cafe as he hlmself Lold us because of Lhe pollLlcal dlscusslons aL Lhe cafe LhaL ofLen goL ouL of hand We on Lhe oLher hand never Lalked pollLlcs ln CusLaves case pollLlcs was a Llckllsh sub[ecL lL had goL hlm lnLo Lrouble aL Lhe cafe 1he facL ls he should always have sLeered clear of pollLlcs especlally when he had a few drlnks under hls belL whlch someLlmes happened ln facL he had a repuLaLlon for drlnklng LhaL was hls weakness Whlle wlLh us he felL safe ln every respecL Pe admlLLed lL We dldnL drlnk AL our place he could leL hlmself go and no harm would come of lL Pe knew he could LrusL us When araplne and l LhoughL of Lhe slLuaLlon we had escaped from and Lhe one LhaL had fallen lnLo our laps aL 8aryLons we dldnL complaln Lhere was no call Lo because all Lhlngs consldered wed had a mlraculous sLroke of luck and we had all Lhe soclal sLandlng and maLerlal comforL we needed SLlll for my parL l had never lmaglned LhaL Lhe mlracle would lasL l had a crummy pasL behlnd me and already lL was comlng back aL me llke Lhe belchlngs of faLe AL Lhe very sLarL ln vlgny l had recelved Lhree anonymous leLLers LhaL had seemed as susplclous and as menaclng as could be And Lhen scads of oLher equally vlclous leLLers lLs Lrue LhaL we ofLen recelved anonymous leLLers aL vlgny and dldnL pay much aLLenLlon Lo Lhem as a rule usually Lhey came from former paLlenLs whose persecuLlon manla had followed Lhem home 8uL Lhese leLLers and Lhelr Lurns of phrase had me worrled Lhey werenL llke Lhe oLhers Lhelr accusaLlons were preclse and Lhey were all abouL me and 8oblnson 1o come rlghL ouL wlLh lL Lhey accused us of shacklng up LogeLher A crummy lnslnuaLlon AL flrsL l was relucLanL Lo menLlon Lhem Lo 8oblnson buL l flnally declded Lo when l kepL recelvlng more and more leLLers of Lhe same klnd So Lhen Lhe Lwo of us Lrled Lo flgure ouL who could have senL Lhem We drew up a llsL of all Lhe posslble people we boLh knew 1haL dldnL geL us anywhere Anyway Lhls accusaLlon dldnL make sense PomosexuallLy wasnL my llne and 8oblnson dldnL glve a damn abouL sex one way or Lhe oLher lf anyLhlng was bugglng hlm lL cerLalnly wasnL sex Cnly a [ealous woman could have dreamed up such roLLen calumnles ln shorL of all Lhe people we knew only Madelon seemed capable of pursulng us all Lhe way Lo vlgny wlLh such foul fabrlcaLlons She could go on wrlLlng her polsoned leLLers for all l cared WhaL l feared was LhaL exasperaLed aL geLLlng no answer shed come around ln person one of Lhese days and klck up a ruckus aL Lhe lnsLlLuLe ?ou had Lo expecL Lhe worsL lor several weeks we [umped every Llme Lhe bell rang l was expecLlng a vlslL from Madelon or sLlll worse from Lhe pollce Lvery Llme CusLave Mandamour came around for hls game a llLLle earller Lhan usual l wondered lf he dldnL have a summons Lucked ln hls belL buL ln Lhose days Mandamour was sLlll as frlendly and easygolng as could be lL wasnL unLll laLer LhaL he Loo underwenL a sLrlklng change AL LhaL Llme he came almosL every day and losL every game he played wlLh perfecL equanlmlLy lf hls dlsposlLlon changed lL was deflnlLely our faulL Cne evenlng [usL ouL of curloslLy l asked Mandamour why he never won aL cards l had no serlous reason for asklng hlm only my manla for knowlng Lhe why and Lhe wherefore Lspeclally seelng LhaL we dldnL play for money Whlle we were Lalklng abouL hls bad luck l sLepped up Lo hlm sLudled hlm closely and saw LhaL he was exLremely farslghLed 1he facL ls LhaL wlLh Lhe llghLlng we had Lhere he could barely dlsLlngulsh clubs from dlamonds SomeLhlng was bound Lo happen l correcLed hls lnflrmlLy by glvlng hlm a nlce palr of glasses AL flrsL he was dellghLed wlLh Lhem buL noL for long Slnce he played beLLer wlLh hls glasses he dldnL lose as ofLen as before and Lhen he Look lL lnLo hls head Lo sLop loslng alLogeLher 1haL was lmposslble so he cheaLed And when as someLlmes happened he losL ln splLe of hls cheaLlng he sulked for hours ln shorL he became lmposslble l was aghasL hed geL sore for no reason aL all and Lo make maLLers worse hed Lry Lo upseL us Lo glve us Lhlngs Lo worry abouL When he losL hed geL even ln hls own way And yeL l repeaL we werenL playlng for money only for fun and glory 8uL he was furlous all Lhe same Cne evenlng when hls luck had been bad he harangued us before leavlng CenLlemen lm warnlng you Lo waLch your sLep! Conslderlng Lhe people you assoclaLe wlLh lf l were you ld be careful! Among oLhers Lheres a darkhalred woman whos been passlng your house for days! A loL Loo ofLen lf you ask me! She musL have her reasons! l wouldnL be surprlsed lf she had a bone Lo plck wlLh one of you genLlemen! " 1haLs Lhe pernlclous way Mandamour Lhrew Lhls Lhlng ln our faces before leavlng Lhe room 1haL goL a rlse ouL of us all rlghL! neverLheless l pulled myself LogeLher ln an lnsLanL Ch Lhank you CusLave l answered calmly l donL see who Lhls darkhalred woman you refer Lo can be none of our former female paLlenLs as far as l know has had reason Lo complaln of our care lL musL be some poor deranged creaLure Well flnd ouL Anyway youre rlghL lLs always besL Lo know 1hanks agaln for Lelllng us CusLave And good evenlng" 8oblnsons consLernaLlon was such LhaL he couldnL geL up from hls chalr When Lhe pollceman had gone we examlned Lhe lnformaLlon hed glven us from every angle AfLer all lL could be anoLher woman lL dldnL have Lo be Madelon 1here were oLhers who used Lo hang around under Lhe wlndows of our nuLhouse SLlll Lhere was good reason Lo belleve lL was she and Lhe mere posslblllLy scared us ouL of our wlLs lf lL was Madelon whaL was she up Lo now? And whaL could she have been llvlng on all Lhese monLhs ln arls? And supposlng she was golng Lo Lurn up ln person wed beLLer Lalk lL over rlghL away and declde whaL Lo do Look here 8oblnson l sald Make up your mlnd lLs hlgh Llme and donL change lL WhaL do you wanL Lo do? uo you wanL Lo go back Lo 1oulouse wlLh her?" no l Lell you no no no! 1haL was hls answer laln enough Ckay l sald 8uL ln LhaL case lf you really donL wanL Lo go back wlLh her Lhe besL Lhlng ln my oplnlon would be for you Lo leave Lhe counLry for a whlle and Lry and make a llvlng somewhere else 1haLs Lhe suresL way Lo geL rld of her She wouldnL follow you ouL of Lhe counLry would she? ?oure sLlll young ?ouve recovered your healLh ?oure resLed Well glve you a llLLle money Lake lL and shove off 1haLs my advlce 8esldes you musL be aware LhaL Lhls ls no [ob for you ?ou canL go on llke Lhls forever " lf he had llsLened Lo me lf he had cleared ouL Lhen and Lhere lL would have sulLed me ld have been really glad 8uL he wouldnL buy lL Why are you so mean Lo me lerdlnand? he sald lLs noL nlce of you aL my age !usL look aL me! Pe dldnL wanL Lo shove off Pe was slck of movlng around 1hls ls as far as lll go he sald Say whaL you please do whaL you please l wonL go " 1haL was how he requlLed my frlendshlp SLlll l kepL Lrylng 8uL whaL lf Madelon were Lo Lurn you ln [usL supposlng ln connecLlon wlLh old Madame Penroullle? ?ou Lold me yourself LhaL you wouldnL puL lL pasL her" 1haL would be [usL Loo bad he sald She can do as she pleases " 1haL klnd of Lalk was someLhlng new comlng from 8oblnson up unLll Lhen he had never been a faLallsL AL leasL go flnd yourself some llLLle [ob nearby ln a facLory Lhen you wonL have Lo be here wlLh us all Lhe Llme lf somebody comes looklng for you well have Llme Lo warn you" araplne was ln compleLe agreemenL wlLh me 1he maLLer musL have sLruck hlm as really grave and urgenL because he even wenL so far as Lo say a few words Lo us Wed have Lo flgure ouL some place Lo puL 8oblnson where he wouldnL be noLlced Cne of our buslness connecLlons was a carrlage maker noL far away who owed us a small debL of graLlLude for cerLaln llLLle favors wed done hlm ln awkward slLuaLlons Pe agreed Lo glve 8oblnson a Lrlal aL hand palnLlng lL was dellcaLe work noL hard and nlcely pald Leon we Lold hlm Lhe mornlng he sLarLed ln uonL make a fool of yourself ln your new [ob donL aLLracL aLLenLlon wlLh your screwedup ldeas Arrlve on Llme uonL leave before Lhe oLhers Say good mornlng Lo everybody ln oLher words behave lLs a decenL shop and youve been well recommended " 8uL rlghL away he goL hlmself spoLLed Lhough you canL say lL was hls faulL A sLool plgeon who worked ln one of Lhe oLher workshops saw hlm golng lnLo Lhe bosss prlvaLe offlce 1haL dld lL 8eporLed undeslrable elemenL llred So a few days laLer 8oblnson came back Lo us [obless lL was bound Lo happen 1hen [usL abouL Lhe same day he sLarLed coughlng agaln We ausculLaLed hlm and found a whole collecLlon of rales all up and down hls rlghL lung Calllng for bed resL Cne SaLurday evenlng [usL before dlnner someone asked for me personally ln Lhe recepLlon room A woman Lhey Lell me lL was her all rlghL wearlng a llLLle Lhreecornered haL and gloves l remember well no need of prellmlnarles She couldnL have plcked a worse momenL l glve lL Lo her sLralghL before she can say a word Madelon l sald lf youve come Lo see Leon l can Lell you rlghL away Lo forgeL lL !usL Lurn around and go home Pls lungs are affecLed and so ls hls head CulLe serlously l mlghL add ?ou canL see hlm Anyway he has noLhlng Lo say Lo you " noL even Lo me?" no noL even Lo you Lspeclally noL Lo you l added l expecLed her Lo flare up no she only sLood Lhere ln fronL of me shaklng her head from slde Lo slde and compresslng her llps WlLh her eyes she Lrled Lo flnd me where she had lefL me ln her memory l wasnL Lhere anymore l Loo had moved ln her memory ln LhaL slLuaLlon ld have been afrald of a husky man buL from her l had noLhlng Lo fear She was only a weak woman so Lo speak l had always wanLed Lo slap a face consumed wlLh anger Lo see whaL a face consumed wlLh anger would do under Lhe clrcumsLances A slap or a faL check ls whaL lL Lakes lf you wanL Lo see all Lhe passlons LhaL go beaLlng abouL behlnd a face Lake a sudden Lack lLs as beauLlful as waLchlng a salllng shlp maneuverlng ln a sLormy sea 1he whole person keels over ln Lhe changed wlnd 1haLs whaL l wanLed Lo see lor aL leasL LwenLy years LhaL deslre had been goadlng me Cn Lhe sLreeL ln cafes wherever aggresslve Louchy boasLful people quarrel ld never have dared for fear of geLLlng hlL back and even more of Lhe shame LhaL comes of geLLlng hlL 8uL here for once l had a golden opporLunlLy CeL ouL! l sald [usL Lo ralse her fury Lo whlLe heaL She couldnL geL over my Lalklng Lo her llke LhaL She sLarLed Lo smlle hldeously repulslvely as lf she LhoughL me rldlculous and really conLempLlble Smack! Smack! l slapped her face Lwlce hard enough Lo sLun a mule She slumped down on Lhe blg dlvan on Lhe oLher slde of Lhe room agalnsL Lhe wall wlLh her head beLween her hands Per breaLh came ln shorL gasps and she moaned llke a puppy LhaLs been beaLen Loo much 1hen as lf shed LhoughL lL over she [umped up llghL and bouncy and wenL ouL Lhe door wlLhouL even Lurnlng her head l hadnL seen a Lhlng ld have Lo Lry agaln 8uL regardless of whaL we dld she was smarLer Lhan all of us LogeLher She saw her 8oblnson agaln she saw hlm as ofLen as she pleased lL was araplne who flrsL spoLLed Lhem LogeLher 1hey were on Lhe Lerrace of a cafe across from Lhe Care de 1LsL ld suspecLed Lhey were seelng each oLher buL l dldnL wanL Lo seem Lo be Laklng Lhe sllghLesL lnLeresL ln Lhelr relaLlons AfLer all lL was none of my buslness Pe was dolng hls work aL Lhe resL home and noL aL all badly Laklng care of Lhe paralyLlcs a nasLy [ob lf ever Lhere was one wlplng Lhem sponglng Lhem changlng Lhelr underwear helplng Lhem slobber We couldnL expecL any more of hlm lf he chose Lo see hls Madelon on Lhe afLernoons when l senL hlm Lo arls on errands LhaL was hls buslness We deflnlLely hadnL seen her aL vlgnysurSelne slnce Lhose slaps ln Lhe face 8uL l was preLLy sure LhaL slnce Lhen she musL have Lold hlm some roLLen Lhlngs abouL me l sLopped Lalklng Lo 8oblnson abouL 1oulouse as lf none of all LhaL had ever happened Slx monLhs passed for beLLer or worse and Lhen Lhere was a vacancy on our sLaff and we suddenly needed a nurse skllled ln massage 1he old one had gone off Lo geL marrled wlLhouL glvlng noLlce CulLe a few flnelooklng glrls applled for Lhe [ob ln facL so many sLrapplng young women of all naLlonallLles flocked Lo vlgny as soon as our ad appeared LhaL we were hard puL Lo lL Lo choose among Lhem ln Lhe end we plcked a Slovak by Lhe name of Sophle whose complexlon energeLlc yeL genLle bearlng and dlvlne good healLh sLruck us l have Lo admlL as lrreslsLlble 1hls Sophle knew only a few words of lrench buL l underLook wlLhouL delay Lhe leasL l could do Lo glve her lessons And lo and behold ln conLacL wlLh her youLh and freshness l felL my lnLeresL ln Leachlng revlve Lhough 8aryLon had done everyLhlng ln hls power Lo dlsgusL me wlLh lL lmpenlLenL! 8uL whaL youLh! WhaL vlgor! WhaL muscles! WhaL an excuse! Supple! Sprlngy! Amazlng! Per beauLy was dlmlnlshed by none of LhaL false or Lrue reLlcence LhaL lmpedes allLoo occldenLal converse lrankly l couldnL admlre her enough lrom muscle Lo muscle l proceeded by anaLomlcal groups 8y muscular slopes by reglons l never wearled of pursulng LhaL concenLraLed yeL relaxed vlgor dlsLrlbuLed ln bundles whlch by Lurns evaded and consenLed Lo Lhe Louch 8eneaLh her saLln LauL or relaxed mlraculous skln! 1he era of Lhese llvlng [oys of greaL undenlable physlologlcal and comparaLlve harmonles ls yeL Lo come 1he body a godhead mauled by my shameful hands 1he hands of an honesL man LhaL unknown prlesL ueaLh and Words musL glve Lhelr permlsslon flrsL WhaL foul affecLaLlons! A culLlvaLed man needs Lo be rolled ln a dense layer of symbols caked Lo Lhe asshole wlLh arLlsLlc excremenL before he can Lear off a plece 1hen anyLhlng can happen! A bargaln! 1hlnk of Lhe savlng geLLlng all your Lhrllls from remlnlscences 8emlnlscences are someLhlng weve goL plenLy of one can buy beauLles enough Lo lasL us a llfeLlme Llfe ls more compllcaLed especlally Lhe llfe of human forms A hard advenLure none more desperaLe Compared wlLh Lhe addlcLlon Lo perfecL forms cocalne ls a pasLlme for sLaLlonmasLers 8uL leLs geL back Lo our Sophle! Per mere presence seemed a feaL of darlng ln our sulklng fearful unsavory household AfLer she had been wlLh us for some Llme we were sLlll glad Lo number her among our nurses yeL we could noL help fearlng LhaL she mlghL one day dlsLurb Lhe fabrlc of our lnflnlLe precauLlons or suddenly one flne mornlng wake up Lo our sleazy reallLy Sophle sLlll falled Lo suspecL Lhe depLh of our feLld reslgnaLlon! A gang of fallures! We admlred her so allve ln our mldsL [usL her way of geLLlng up from a chalr comlng Lo our Lable leavlng lL agaln She charmed us And every Llme she performed Lhose slmple gesLures we experlenced surprlse and [oy We made sLrldes ln poeLry so Lo speak [usL marvellng aL her belng so beauLlful and so much more obvlously free Lhan we were 1he rhyLhm of her llfe sprang from oLher wellsprlngs Lhan ours Cur wellsprlngs were forever slow and sllmy 1he [oyful sLrengLh preclse yeL genLle whlch anlmaLed her from her halr Lo her ankles Lroubled us alarmed us ln a charmlng sorL of way buL deflnlLely alarmed us yes LhaLs Lhe word 1hough our lnsLlncL reveled ln her lnnaLe [oy our peevlsh knowledge of Lhe Lhlngs of Lhls world raLher frowned on lL LhaL essenLlally frlghLened everpresenL knowledge whlch cowers ln Lhe cellars of exlsLence accusLomed Lo Lhe worsL by hablL by experlence Sophle had Lhe wlnged elasLlc preclse galL LhaL ls so frequenL almosL hablLual among Lhe women of Amerlca Lhe galL of herolc creaLures of Lhe fuLure whom llfe and amblLlon carry llghLly Loward new klnds of advenLure 1hreemasLers of [oyful warmLh bound for Lhe lnflnlLe araplne who was hardly glven Lo lyrlclsm on Lhe sub[ecL of aLLracLlve women would smlle Lo hlmself when she lefL Lhe room !usL Lo look aL her dld your soul good Lspeclally mlne l musL say whlch had losL none of lLs apLlLude for deslre Wlshlng Lo Lake her by surprlse Lo ravlsh a llLLle of her prlde of Lhe presLlge and power she had acqulred over me Lo dlmlnlsh her ln shorL Lo humanlze her a llLLle and reduce her Lo our palLry proporLlons l would go lnLo her room when she was sleeplng AL such Llmes Sophle offered a very dlfferenL slghLmore commonplace yeL surprlslng and reassurlng as well WlLhouL osLenLaLlon almosL uncovered lylng crosswlse on Lhe bed legs every whlch way skln molsL and relaxed she was baLLllng wlLh faLlgue ln Lhe depLhs of her body she dug lnLo sleep so hard LhaL lL made her snore 1haL was Lhe only Llme when l found her wlLhln my reach no more enchanLmenL no [oklng 1hls was serlous She Lolled as Lhough Lo pump more llfe ouL of exlsLence AL such Llmes she was greedy drunk wlLh wanLlng more and more ?ou should have seen her afLer Lhose sleeplng bouLs sLlll swollen her organs exulLanL ecsLaLlc under her rosy skln AL such Llmes she was funny as laughable as oLher people lor some mlnuLes shed reel wlLh happlness Lhen Lhe full llghL of day would come Lo her and dellvered as lf Loo heavy a cloud had [usL passed shed resume her glorlous fllghL All LhaL can be fucked lLs exLremely pleasanL Lo grasp Lhls momenL when maLLer becomes llfe ?ou rlse up Lo Lhe endless plaLeau LhaL spreads ouL before men Whew! you go And agaln Whew! ?ou come Lhe llmlL up Lhere and Lhen lLs llke an enormous deserL Among us her frlends raLher Lhan employers l l belleve was Lhe mosL lnLlmaLe 1rue she was regularly unfalLhful Lo me wlLh Lhe orderly ln charge of Lhe vlolenL ward an exflreman lor my own good she Lold me so as noL Lo puL Loo greaL a sLraln on me conslderlng all Lhe braln work l had under way whlch wasnL exacLly compaLlble wlLh Lhe demands of her flery LemperamenL LnLlrely for my own good She cuckolded me ln Lhe lnLeresL of hyglene WhaL could l say? All Lhls when l Lhlnk of lL could have glven me noLhlng buL pleasure lf Lhe Madelon buslness hadnL been welghlng on my mlnd Cne flne day l Lold Sophle Lhe whole sLory Lo see whaL shed say 1elllng her my Lroubles made me feel a llLLle beLLer l was slck of Lhe endless quarrels and resenLmenLs growlng ouL of LhaL wreLched passlon and Sophle LhoughL l was perfecLly rlghL Seelng LhaL 8oblnson and l had been such good frlends she LhoughL we should all have one blg reconclllaLlon [usL paLch Lhe whole Lhlng up as qulckly as posslble Per advlce came from a good hearL CenLral Lurope ls full of good hearLs 1he only Lrouble was LhaL she dldnL know much abouL Lhe characLers and reacLlons of Lhe people around here WlLh Lhe besL lnLenLlons ln Lhe world she gave me Lhe worsL posslble advlce l came Lo reallze LhaL shed been wrong buL Loo laLe ?ou should see Madelon she advlsed me lrom whaL youve Lold me lm sure shes a good glrl deep down lLs [usL LhaL you provoked her and you were really bruLal and mean Lo her ?ou owe her an apology and a nlce presenL Loo Lo make her forgeL 1haLs Lhe way Lhlngs were done ln her counLry LveryLhlng she advlsed me Lo do was exqulslLely pollLe buL noL aL all pracLlcal l Look her advlce mosLly because behlnd all Lhe frllls and foollshness behlnd Lhe dlplomaLlc maneuvers l envlsaged Lhe posslblllLy of a llLLle foursome LhaL would have been mosL enLerLalnlng ln facL lL would have made a new man of me under Lhe pressure of age and clrcumsLances l noLe Lo my sorrow my frlendly feellngs were Laklng an lnsldlously eroLlc Lurn 8eLrayal And Sophle wlLhouL meanlng Lo was abeLLlng me ln Lhls beLrayal 1here was so much curloslLy ln Sophle she couldnL help belng aLLracLed by danger An excellenL naLure noLhlng roLesLanL abouL her she never Lrled Lo bellLLle Lhe opporLunlLles llfe offered and was never susplclous of Lhem !usL my Lype She wenL furLher She undersLood Lhe need for varleLy ln Lhe dlsLracLlons of Lhe rear end An advenLurous dlsposlLlon of LhaL sorL youll have Lo agree ls mosL unusual ln women We had deflnlLely plcked Lhe rlghL one She wanLed me and l LhoughL lL perfecLly naLural Lo glve her some ldea of Madelons physlque She was afrald of seemlng awkward ln an lnLlmaLe slLuaLlon wlLh a lrenchwoman ln vlew of Lhe sLupendous repuLaLlon ln Lhls llne LhaL has been plnned on lrenchwomen ln forelgn parLs As for endurlng 8oblnsons aLLenLlons aL Lhe same Llme lL was only Lo glve me pleasure LhaL she consenLed 8oblnson dldnL send her aL all so she sald buL on Lhe whole we were ln agreemenL 1haL was Lhe maln Lhlng Ckay l walLed a whlle for a good opporLunlLy Lo approach 8oblnson wlLh my plan for a general reconclllaLlon Cne mornlng when he was ln Lhe offlce copylng medlcal reporLs lnLo Lhe blg book Lhe momenL sLruck me as proplLlous and l lnLerrupLed hlm Lo ask hlm very slmply wheLher he LhoughL lL would be a good ldea for me Lo see Madelon and suggesL LhaL we leL our vlolenL bygones be bygones WheLher on Lhe same occaslon l mlghL lnLroduce her Lo Sophle my new frlend? And lasLly lf he dldnL Lhlnk lL was Llme we all goL LogeLher and paLched up our quarrels AL flrsL l could see he heslLaLed Lhen he replled buL wlLhouL enLhuslasm LhaL he saw no ob[ecLlon l suspecL Madelon had Lold hlm LhaL ld Lry Lo see her soon on one preLexL or anoLher AbouL Lhe slap ln Lhe face ld glven her Lhe day she came Lo vlgny l dldnL breaLhe a word l couldnL run Lhe rlsk of hls yelllng aL me Lhere and calllng me a bruLe ln publlc because afLer all Lhough wed been frlends a long Llme Lhere ln Lhe lnsLlLuLlon he was under my orders AuLhorlLy flrsL !anuary was a funny Llme for LhaL sorL of operaLlon 8ecause lL was mosL convenlenL we declded Lo meeL ln arls one Sunday and go Lo Lhe movles LogeLher We LhoughL maybe wed drop ln aL Lhe 8aLlgnolles carnlval for a whlle flrsL lf lL wasnL Loo cold ouL 8oblnson had promlsed Lo Lake her Lo Lhe 8aLlgnolles carnlval Madelon he Lold me was wlld abouL carnlvals 1haL was a lucky Lhlng MeeLlng agaln for Lhe flrsL Llme a carnlval was Lhe besL posslble place We sure goL an eyeful of LhaL carnlval! And a headful Loo! 8lm bam! And bam agaln! We whlrl around! And were carrled away! And we scream and we yell! 1here we were ln Lhe crowd wlLh llghLs and nolse and all Lhe resL of lL! SLep up sLep up! Show your sklll show your darlng and laugh laugh laugh! Wheel Lveryone Lrled ln hls overcoaL Lo appear Lo hls besL advanLage sharp and [usL a llLLle aloof Lo show LhaL he usually wenL elsewhere for hls enLerLalnmenL Lo more expenslf places as Lhey say ln Lngllsh ?ou Lrled Lo make Lhe lmpresslon of knowlng llghLhearLed young blades ln splLe of Lhe lcy wlnd [usL one more humlllaLlon and Lhe depresslng fear LhaL you were spendlng Loo much money on Lhese amusemenLs and mlghL have occaslon Lo regreL lL for a whole week 1he merrygoround sends up a blg belch of muslc lL canL qulLe dellver lLself of Lhe walLz from lausL buL lL Lrles hard 1he walLz plumps down and shooLs up agaln and swlrls around Lhe clrcular celllng whlch splns wlLh lLs Lhousands of pasLry llghL bulbs 1he sLeam calllopes havlng a bad Llme 1he muslc ls glvlng lL a paln ln lLs plpe lLs sLomach Would you care for a plece of nougaL? Cr would you raLher Lry anoLher LargeL? 1ake your cholce ln our group aL Lhe shooLlng gallery lL was Madelon wlLh Lhe brlm of her haL Lurned up over her forehead who showed Lhe mosL sklll Look she says Lo 8oblnson My hand lsnL shaklng And we had plenLy Lo drlnk dldnL we? !usL Lo show you Lhe klnd of Lhlngs we were saylng Wed [usL come ouL of a resLauranL Cne more Lry! And Madelon won Lhe boLLle of champagne 8lng bang! 8ullseye! 1hen l beL her she canL caLch me on Lhe uodgeem cars lll Lake you up on LhaL she says as chlpper as you please Well Lake separaLe cars! And Lhere we go! l was glad shed accepLed lL was a way of maklng up Lo her Sophle wasnL [ealous She had her reasons So 8oblnson cllmbs lnLo Lhe back car wlLh Madelon and l geL lnLo anoLher up fronL wlLh Sophle Man do we colllde! And lLs crash! And hold LlghL! 8uL l see rlghL away LhaL Madelon doesnL en[oy belng shaken up nelLher does Leon for LhaL maLLer he used Lo llke lL buL no more lLs plaln LhaL he doesnL feel comforLable wlLh us Whlle were cluLchlng aL Lhe rall some sallorboys come along and sLarL feellng us up men and women allke and maklng proposlLlons Were freezlng We shake Lhem off We laugh More and more feeleruppers come from all dlrecLlons wlLh muslc and rhyLhm and exclLemenL ?ou geL such [olLs on Lhese barrels on wheels LhaL your eyes pop ouL of your head every Llme you clash CreaL fun! vlolence and [oy! 1he whole accordlon of pleasures! l wanL Lo make up wlLh Madelon before we leave Lhe carnlval l wanL Lo very much buL she doesnL respond Lo my overLures anymore lLs no soap Shes snubblng me keeplng me aL a dlsLance l canL make her ouL 1hese moods LhaL come over her ld had hopes of someLhlng beLLer hyslcally come Lo Lhlnk of lL she has changed compleLely She canL bear comparlson wlLh Sophle no sparkle no lusLer Cood humor was more becomlng Lo her buL now she has an alr of possesslng superlor knowledge 1haL lrrlLaLes me ld gladly glve her anoLher slap ln Lhe face maybe LhaL would brlng her around or maybe Lhen shed Lell me whaL she knows LhaLs so superlor Come on smlle! 1hls ls a place of merrlmenL we havenL come here Lo weep! LeLs whoop lL up! Shes found work wlLh an aunL of hers so she Lells Sophle whlle were sLrolllng laLer on Cn Lhe 8ue du 8ocher Per aunL ls a corseL maker May as well belleve her lL wasnL hard Lo see LhaL lf reconclllaLlon was Lhe ldea Lhls meeLlng was a fallure My llLLle scheme was a washouL Loo ln facL a glganLlc flop Seelng each oLher agaln had been a mlsLake Sophle hadnL really grasped Lhe slLuaLlon She hadnL reallzed LhaL Lhls geLLogeLher would [usL make everyLhlng more compllcaLed 8oblnson should have warned me Lold me how sLubborn she was 1oo bad! Ch well! 8arn! 8am! 1he carnlval goes on! LeLs Lry Lhe CaLerplllar as Lhey call lL My ldea and my LreaL! Cne more aLLempL Lo make up wlLh Madelon 8uL she keeps sllpplng away from me avoldlng me 1aklng advanLage of Lhe crush she cllmbs lnLo anoLher seaL up fronL wlLh 8oblnson lm flummoxed agaln Were dazed by waves and whlrls of darkness l muLLer under my breaLh LhaL lLs hopeless Sophle flnally agrees wlLh me She reallzes LhaL ln Lhls whole affalr l had been led away by my lecherous fanLasles ?ou see how lL ls? Shes sore l Lhlnk wed beLLer leave Lhem alone now ?ou and l could drop ln aL Lhe Chabanals before we go home 1haL suggesLlon appealed Lo Sophle because whlle sLlll ln rague she had ofLen heard people Lalklng abouL Lhe Chabanals and she was dellghLed aL Lhe LhoughL of Lrylng Lhe Chabanals and [udglng for herself 8uL Lhen we flgured LhaL conslderlng Lhe amounL of money we had broughL wlLh us Lhe Chabanals would be Loo expenslve Wed [usL have Lo Lry and revlve our lnLeresL ln Lhe carnlval Whlle we were ln Lhe CaLerplllar 8oblnson musL have had a scene wlLh Madelon 1hey were boLh ln a foul humor when Lhey goL ouL ?ou really couldnL have Louched her wlLh a LenfooL pole LhaL evenlng 1o smooLh Lhlngs over l suggesLed an absorblng amusemenLflshlng for boLLlenecks Madelon accepLed sulklly Lven so she beaL us all hollow She goL her rlng [usL over Lhe cork and sllpped lL on [usL before Lhe bell rang Cllck! And LhaL was LhaL 1he sLand owner couldnL geL over lL Pe gave her a half boLLle of Crand uue de Malvolson93 !usL Lo glve you an ldea of how sklllful she was 8uL lL dldnL make her happy 8lghL away she announced LhaL she wouldnL drlnk lL lLs no good she sald So 8oblnson uncorked Lhe boLLle and drank lL uown Lhe haLch! AL one gulp A funny Lhlng for hlm Lo do because he pracLlcally never drank 1hen we came Lo Lhe Lln weddlng 8lff! 8ang! We all had a Lry wlLh hard balls lLs depresslng how clumsy l am aL Lhese Lhlngs l congraLulaLe 8oblnson Pe beaLs me aL any game 8uL noL even hls sklll could make hlm smlle 1hey boLh looked as lf we were leadlng Lhem off Lo slaughLer We Lrled hard buL noLhlng could puL any llfe lnLo Lhem 1hls ls a carnlval! l yelled aL Lhem lor once l was compleLely ouL of ldeas My shouLlng Lhlngs ln Lhelr ears and Lrylng Lo cheer Lhem up dldnL mean a Lhlng Lo Lhem 1hey dldnL even hear me WhaL abouL youLh? l asked Lhem WhaL are we golng Lo do abouL lL? Pas youLh sLopped maklng merry? Look aL me Len years older Lhan Lhe resL of you! All rlghL sweeLhearL whaL do you say? Pe and Madelon looked aL me as lf l were drunk gassed nuLs and Lhere was no polnL ln even answerlng me no polnL ln Lrylng Lo speak Lo me because ld cerLalnly be lncapable of undersLandlng anyLhlng Lhey could say l wouldnL undersLand a Lhlng maybe Lheyre rlghL l sald Lo myself looklng anxlously aL Lhe people around us 8uL all Lhose people were dolng Lhe Lhlngs you do Lo have fun Lhey werenL nurslng Lhelr llLLle Lroubles llke us lar from lL 1hey were geLLlng someLhlng ouL of Lhe carnlval A francs worLh here! llfLy cenLlmes worLh Lhere! LlghLs! Muslc splel and candy 1hey were buzzlng around llke flles scads of Lhem wlLh Lhelr llLLle grubs ln Lhelr arms llvld pasLyfaced bables so pale ln Lhe glarlng llghL LhaL you could hardly see Lhem !usL around Lhelr noses Lhose bables had a blL of plnk ln Lhe area for colds and geLLlng klssed Among all Lhe sLands l lmmedlaLely recognlzed Lhe Callery of Lhe naLlons A memory l dldnL menLlon lL Lo Lhe oLhers1haL makes flfLeen years LhaL have gone by A long Llme And whaL a loL of frlends lve losL along Lhe way! ld never have LhoughL Lhe Callery of Lhe naLlons could drag lLself ouL of Lhe mud lL was sunk ln ouL Lhere ln SalnLCloud 8uL now lL was all refurblshed as good as new wlLh muslc and everyLhlng ?ou goLLa hand lL Lo Lhem And all Lhese people shooLlng A shooLlng gallery always does buslness And Lhe egg was back agaln llke me Lhere ln Lhe mlddle supporLed by pracLlcally noLhlng bobblng up and down lL cosL Lwo francs We passed lL by we were Loo cold Lo Lry lL was besL Lo keep movlng 8uL noL because we were shorL of change our pockeLs were sLlll full of change our llLLle pockeL muslc ld have Lrled anyLhlng [usL Lhen Lo puL some llfe lnLo us buL no one was dolng a Lhlng Lo help lf araplne had been wlLh us lL would probably have been worse seelng how gloomy he was wlLh people Lucklly hed sLayed home Lo look afLer Lhe loonles l was sorry ld come 1hen Madelon sLarLed laughlng afLer all buL Lhere was noLhlng funny abouL her laugh 8oblnson who was beslde her snlckered so as noL Lo be dlfferenL 1hen Sophle sLarLed maklng [okes 1haL was all we needed As we were passlng Lhe phoLographers booLh he noLlced our heslLaLlon We had no greaL deslre Lo go ln excepL Sophle maybe 8uL a momenL laLer Lhanks Lo our heslLaLlon we were aL Lhe mercy of hls camera Pe drawled ouL hls commands and we submlLLed on Lhe cardboard brldgehe musL have bullL lL hlmself of a purporLed shlp La 8elle lrance 1he name was wrlLLen on lmlLaLlon llfe belLs We sLood Lhere for qulLe some Llme sLarlng sLralghL ahead challenglng Lhe fuLure CLher cusLomers were walLlng lmpaLlenLly for us Lo come down off Lhe brldge and already Lhey were avenglng Lhemselves for havlng Lo walL by noL only flndlng us Loo ugly for words buL Lelllng us so ouL loud 1hey LhoughL Lhey could Lake advanLage of our noL belng able Lo move 8uL Lhey couldnL faze Madelon she slanged Lhem back wlLh Lhe full force of her SouLhern accenL She could be heard for mlles around She Lold Lhem where Lo geL off! A magneslum flash We all fllnch We each geL a plcLure Were even ugller Lhan before 1he raln comes Lhrough Lhe canvas roof Cur feeL are fooLsore and frozen sLlff 1he wlnd had found holes all over us whlle we were poslng so much so LhaL Lheres hardly anyLhlng lefL of my overcoaL All we can do ls keep walklng among Lhe booLhs l dldnL dare suggesL golng back Lo vlgny lL was Loo early Cur LeeLh were already chaLLerlng wlLh Lhe cold and Lhe hearLLhrob organ of Lhe merrygoround [angled our nerves Llll we were shlverlng even more 1he end of Lhe whole worldLhaLs whaL Lhe damned organ ls laughlng abouL lL bellows lLs message of dlsasLer Lhrough lLs sllverplaLed kazoos and Lhe Lune goes ouL Lo dle ln Lhe envlronlng darkness along Lhe plssy sLreeLs LhaL come down from MonLmarLre 1he llLLle housemalds from 8rlLLany are deflnlLely coughlng a loL more Lhan Lhey dld lasL wlnLer when Lheyd [usL arrlved ln arls 1helr greenandblue moLLled Lhlghs do Lhelr besL Lo decoraLe Lhe flanks of Lhe wooden horses 1he boys from Auvergne who LreaL Lhem Lo Lhelr rldes are cauLlous posLofflce clerks and as everyone knows never lay Lhem wlLhouL a rubber 1hey have no deslre Lo caLch lL a second Llme ln expecLaLlon of love Lhe housemalds squlrm and wlggle ln Lhe dlsgusLlngly melodlous dln of Lhe merrygo round 1heyre klnd of slck Lo Lhelr sLomachs buL LhaL doesnL sLop Lhem from poslng ln Lhe freezlng cold because Lhls ls Lhe greaL momenL Lhe Llme Lo Lry Lhelr youLhful charms on Lhe deflnlLlve lover who may be Lhere already smlLLen Lucked away among Lhe yokels ln Lhls frozen crowd Love ls sLlll hanglng back buL lLll come same as lL does ln Lhe movles and happlness wlLh lL lf Lhe rlch mans son loves you for [usL one evenlng hell never leave you lLs been known Lo happen and lLs good enough naLurally hes sweeL and naLurally hes handsome and naLurally hes rlch 1he old woman who keeps Lhe newssLand over by Lhe MeLro doesnL glve a damn abouL Lhe fuLure she scraLches her old con[uncLlvlLls and slowly fesLers her eyes wlLh her flngernalls An obscure pleasure LhaL cosLs noLhlng lLs been golng on for slx years now and her lLchlng geLs worse and worse SLrollers drlven lnLo groups by Lhe blLLer cold gaLher around Lhe loLLery booLh A brazler of rear ends 1hey canL geL ln So qulckly Lo warm Lhemselves Lhey run Lhey bound lnLo Lhe knoL of people across Lhe way walLlng Lo geL ln Lo see Lhe Lwoheaded calf under cover of Lhe urlnal a young candldaLe for unemploymenL quoLes hls prlce Lo a provlnclal couple flushed wlLh exclLemenL 1he morals cop knows whaLs golng on buL he doesnL care hls asslgnmenL aL Lhe momenL ls Lhe enLrance Lo Lhe Cafe Mlseux94 Pes been waLchlng Lhe Cafe Mlseux for a week 1he lnsLlgaLor musL operaLe ln Lhe Lobacco shop or ln Lhe backroom of Lhe feelLhy bookshop nexL door Anyway lL was reporLed long ago LlLher one or Lhe oLher of Lhem lL seems procures underage glrls who appear Lo be selllng flowers Anonymous leLLers agaln 1he chesLnuL vendor on Lhe corner does a blL of lnformlng Loo Pe has Lo LveryLhlng LhaLs on Lhe sldewalk belongs Lo Lhe pollce 1haL machlnegun klnd of LhaL you hear over Lhere shooLlng ln crazy shorL bursLs ls only Lhe guy who runs Lhe Wheel of ueaLh on hls moLorcycle An escaped convlcL so Lhey say buL lm noL sure Anyway he has crashed Lhrough hls LenL Lwlce ln Lhls same spoL and once a couple of years ago ln 1oulouse Why canL he and hls conLrapLlon smash up for good! Why canL he break hls neck and splnal column once and for all! 1haL nolse would puL anybody ln a Lemper! 1he same goes for Lhe sLreeLcar wlLh lLs bell ln less Lhan a monLh lLs kllled Lwo old folks ln 8lcLre hugglng Lhe walls of Lhe shanLles 1he bus on Lhe oLher hand ls quleL lL pulls up slowly on Lhe lace lgalle Laklng every posslble precauLlon sLaggerlng a llLLle blowlng lLs horn all ouL of breaLh wlLh lLs four passengers who geL off as slowly and carefully as cholr boys SLrolllng from booLh Lo booLh from clump Lo clump of humanlLy from merrygorounds Lo loLLerles wed come Lo Lhe end of Lhe carnlval Lo Lhe blg dark vacanL loL where Lhe famllles go Lo pee noLhlng Lo do buL Lurn back 8eLraclng our sLeps we aLe chesLnuLs Lo work up a LhlrsL We goL sore mouLhs buL no LhlrsL 1here was a worm ln Lhe chesLnuLs a cuLe llLLle fellow naLurally lL was Madelon who goL lL 1haL was exacLly when Lhlngs sLarLed golng really badly beLween us up unLll Lhen we had kepL ourselves more or less under conLrol buL LhaL worm really made her furlous As she was golng over Lo Lhe guLLer Lo splL ouL Lhe worm Leon sald someLhlng Lo sLop her l donL remember whaL he sald or whaL had goL lnLo hlm buL all of a sudden her golng over Lo splL wenL agalnsL 8oblnsons graln Llke a damn fool he asked her lf shed found a seed ln lL PonesLly LhaL was no quesLlon Lo ask her And Lhen Sophle sees flL Lo [oln ln Lhelr argumenL She couldnL see whaL Lhey were flghLlng abouL She wanLed Lo know 8elng lnLerrupLed by Sophle a forelgner exasperaLed Lhem even more whaL would you expecL? !usL Lhen a bunch of hoodlums come beLween us and were separaLed AcLually Lhey were young fellows Lrylng Lo plck up cusLomers buL wlLh mlmlcry kazoos and assorLed crles of Lerror When we managed Lo geL back LogeLher she and 8oblnson were sLlll flghLlng lL looks llke Llme Lo go home l LhoughL lf we leave Lhem here LogeLher for anoLher few mlnuLes Lheyll dlsgrace us rlghL here ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe carnlval 8eLLer call lL a day 1he whole Lhlng had been a fallure you couldnL deny lL LeLs go home l suggesLed Lo 8oblnson Pe gave me a look of surprlse buL lL sLlll sLruck me as Lhe wlsesL mosL senslble course PavenL you had enough? l added Pe made a slgn meanlng LhaL l should ask Madelon how she felL abouL lL l had no ob[ecLlon Lo asklng Madelon buL l dldnL Lhlnk lL was a very brlghL Lhlng Lo do Well Lake Madelon wlLh us l flnally sald 1ake her? he asked Where do you wanL Lo Lake her?" 1o vlgny of course l sald 1haL was a blunder ld done lL agaln 8uL once ld sald lL l couldnL Lake lL back We have an empLy room for her ln vlgny l wenL on 1heres no shorLage of rooms ouL Lhere! We could all have a blLe Lo eaL before golng Lo bed AL leasL lLll be more cheerful Lhan freezlng around here llke weve been dolng for Lhe lasL Lwo hours no Lrouble aL all Madelon made no answer Lo my suggesLlons She dldnL even look aL me whlle l was speaklng buL l know she hadnL mlssed a word of whaL ld sald Anyway ld sald lL and lL couldnL be helped 1hen when ld wandered a few sLeps away from Lhe group she came over Lo me quleLly and asked lf l wasnL Lrylng Lo puL someLhlng over on her lnvlLlng her ouL Lo vlgny l dldnL answer her no sense Lrylng Lo reason wlLh a [ealous woman AnyLhlng l could say would only be a preLexL for anoLher endless scene 8esldes l dldnL even know whom or whaL she was [ealous of lLs ofLen hard Lo locallze feellngs of [ealousy Come Lo Lhlnk of lL she was probably [ealous of everyLhlng same as everyone else 8y LhaL Llme Sophle dldnL know where she was aL buL she wenL on Lrylng Lo be agreeable She even Look Madelons arm buL Madelon was much Loo furlous and much Loo glad Lo be furlous Lo leL herself be dlverLed by frlendly gesLures We foughL our way Lhrough Lhe crowd Lo Lhe sLreeLcar sLop on Lhe lace Cllchy !usL as we were abouL Lo board a car a cloud bursL rlghL over Lhe square and Lhe raln came down ln cascades 1he heavens empLled ln half a second every Laxl ln slghL had been grabbed l heard Madelon rlghL near me asklng 8oblnson ln an underLone ?oure noL golng Lo lnsulL me ln fronL of all Lhese people? Are you Leon? She was ln bad shape ?oure slck of me arenL you? Why donL you say so? she wenL on Say youve had enough of me 1haL youd raLher be alone wlLh Lhese Lwo ?ou all go Lo bed LogeLher l beL when lm noL Lhere donL you? Say you llke lL beLLer wlLh Lhem Lhan wlLh me Co on say lL so l can hear you AfLer LhaL she sLood sllenL her face conLracLed lnLo a grlmace around her nose whlch polnLed upward and Lugged aL her mouLh We were walLlng on Lhe sldewalk ?ou see how your frlends LreaL me? she sLarLed ln agaln ?ou see Leon?" Leon l have Lo glve hlm credlL dldnL answer back he dldnL do anyLhlng Lo provoke her he could be very vlolenL aL Llmes buL he [usL looked Lhe oLher way aL Lhe house fronLs and Lhe boulevard and Lhe cars And yeL Leon had hls vlolenL momenLs When she saw she wasnL geLLlng anywhere wlLh LhreaLs she came back aL hlm ln a dlfferenL way wlLh love Lalk whlle we were all walLlng l love you Leon hear l love you uo you reallze aL leasL whaL lve done for you? Maybe l shouldnL have come Loday buL you do love me [usL a llLLle donL you? ?ou musL love me [usL a llLLle ?ou have a hearL havenL you Lell me Leon Lell me you have a hearL 1hen why do you desplse my love? We had a beauLlful dream Lhe Lwo of us LogeLher And now youre so cruel Lo me! ?ouve Lrampled my dream Leon! ?ouve solled lL! ?ouve desLroyed my ldeal you canL say dlfferenL l suppose you donL wanL me Lo belleve ln love anymore ls LhaL lL? And now you wanL me Lo go away for good ls LhaL whaL you wanL? All Lhese quesLlons whlle Lhe raln was drlpplng Lhrough Lhe awnlng of Lhe cafe lL was comlng down on us all Pe had warned me all rlghL she was exacLly Lhe way he had sald Pe hadnL made anyLhlng up ld never have LhoughL Lhem capable of rlslng Lo such an emoLlonal paroxysm ln so llLLle Llme Seelng Lhe cars and all were maklng so much nolse l was able Lo whlsper a few words ln 8oblnsons ear l suggesLed LhaL we Lry Lo run ouL on her and geL Lhls shlndlg over wlLh as qulckly as posslble because lL was a flop and wed beLLer break up quleLly before Lhe slLuaLlon soured ln earnesL and people goL really angry as Lhere was good reason Lo fear ?ou wanL me Lo flnd you a preLexL? l whlspered 1hen well all beaL lL separaLely?no! he answered uonL do LhaL! uonL! Shes capable of Lhrowlng a flL rlghL here and wed never be able Lo sLop her! l leL lL go aL LhaL Come Lo Lhlnk of lL maybe 8oblnson en[oyed belng yelled aL ln publlc and besldes he knew her beLLer Lhan l dld As Lhe shower was leLLlng up we found a Laxl We [umped ln and Lhere we were all squeezed LogeLher lnslde llrsL we dldnL say a word Lo each oLher 1he alr was Loo heavy beLween us and l felL ld puL my fooL ln lL enough l LhoughL ld beLLer walL a whlle before dolng lL agaln Leon and l Look Lhe foldlng seaLs Lhe Lwo women saL ln back Cn weekend nlghLs Lhe road Lo ArgenLeull ls badly congesLed especlally as far as Lhe orLe AfLer LhaL you have Lo counL a good hour before you geL Lo vlgny on accounL of Lhe Lrafflc lLs no fun slLLlng face Lo face and eye Lo eye wlLhouL saylng a word especlally when lLs dark and everyones klnd of susplclous of everyone else Lven so lf we had sLayed llke LhaL neLLled buL keeplng each Lo hlmself noLhlng would have happened 1haLs sLlll my oplnlon when l Lhlnk of lL Loday lL was my dolng l have Lo admlL LhaL we sLarLed Lalklng agaln and Lhe quarrel resumed worse Lhan ever Were never susplclous enough of words Lhey look llke noLhlng much noL aL all dangerous [usL llLLle puffs of alr llLLle sounds Lhe mouLh makes nelLher hoL nor cold and easlly absorbed once Lhey reach Lhe ear by Lhe vasL gray boredom of Lhe braln Were noL susplclous enough of words and calamlLy sLrlkes CerLaln words are hldden ln wlLh Lhe resL llke sLones 1heyre noL very noLlceable buL before long Lhey make all Lhe llfe LhaLs ln us Lremble every blL of lL ln lLs weakness and lLs sLrengLh 1he ouLcome ls panlc An avalanche ?oure lefL dangllng llke a hanged man over a sea of emoLlon A LempesL comes and goes much Loo powerful for you so vlolenL youd never have LhoughL mere emoLlons could lead Lo anyLhlng llke lL l Lherefore conclude LhaL were never susplclous enough of words 8uL now leL me Lell you whaL happened 1he Laxl was slowly followlng a sLreeLcar because Lhe road was belng repalred Pum hum wenL Lhe moLor A poLhole every hundred yards 8uL Lhe sLreeLcar up ahead of us wasnL enough for me Always chlldlsh and LalkaLlve l was lmpaLlenL 1he snalls pace and Lhe lndeclslon all around me were more Lhan l could bear So qulck l shaLLered Lhe sllence llke a plggy bank Lo see whaL mlghL be lnslde l waLched or raLher slnce by Lhen you could hardly see l Lrled Lo waLch Madelon ln Lhe lefLhand corner of Lhe cab She kepL her face Lurned Loward Lhe ouLslde Loward Lhe landscape Loward Lhe darkness would be more llke lL l noLed wlLh annoyance LhaL she was as sLubborn as ever l on Lhe oLher hand acLed llke a regular pesL !usL Lo make her Lurn her head my way l spoke Lo her Look Madelon Maybe youve goL some ldea how we could amuse ourselves buL youre afrald Lo Lell us? Would you llke us Lo sLop somewhere before we go home? Come on Lell us! " Amuse ourselves! Amuse ourselves! she sald as lf ld lnsulLed her All you people Lhlnk of ls amuslng yourselves 1hen she leL ouL a whole barrage of slghs deep and so Louchlng LhaL lve seldom heard Lhe llke lm dolng my besL l sald lLs Sunday" Pow abouL you Leon? she asked hlm Are you dolng your besL Loo? SLralghL from Lhe shoulder Are you klddlng! was hls comeback l looked aL Lhem boLh when we passed a sLreeLlamp WhaL l saw was anger Madelon leaned foward as lf Lo klss hlm lL was wrlLLen LhaL no one would mlss a chance Lo puL hls fooL ln lL LhaL nlghL 1he Laxl had slowed down agaln because of Lhe Lrucks LhaL were sLrung ouL all along Lhe road lL exasperaLed hlm Lo be klssed and he pushed her away raLher roughly l musL say Cf course LhaL wasnL a nlce Lhlng Lo do especlally ln fronL of us When we came Lo Lhe end of Lhe Avenue Cllchy Lo Lhe orLe nlghL had fallen Lhe llghLs were golng on ln Lhe shops under Lhe rallroad brldge ln splLe of Lhe echo LhaLs always so loud l could sLlll hear her asklng uonL you wanL Lo klss me Leon? She kepL aL hlm Pe sLlll dldnL answer So Lhen she Lurned Lo me and harangued me dlrecLly 1he affronL was Loo much for her WhaL have you done Lo Leon Lo make hlm so mean? 1ell me Lhls mlnuLe! WhaL klnd of sLorles have you been Lelllng hlm? 1haLs Lhe way she llL lnLo me noLhlng aL all l Lold her l havenL Lold hlm anyLhlng! ?our quarrels are no concern of mlne!" 1he worsL of lL was LhaL lL was Lrue l hadnL sald anyLhlng Lo Leon abouL her Pe was free lL was up Lo hlm wheLher he sLayed wlLh her or lefL her lL was none of my buslness buL lL was no use Lrylng Lo Lell her LhaL she had sLopped llsLenlng Lo reason Agaln we fell sllenL slLLlng face Lo face ln Lhe cab buL Lhe alr was so charged wlLh fury LhaL lL couldnL go on for long She had spoken Lo me ln a Lhln sorL of volce ld never heard her use before Lhe monoLonous volce of a person whose mlnd ls fully made up Scrunched up as she was ln Lhe corner of Lhe cab l couldnL see her movemenLs anymore and LhaL Lroubled me All LhaL Llme Sophle had been holdlng my hand WlLh Lhese golngs on Lhe poor kld dldnL know whaL Lo do wlLh herself 8lghL afLer SalnLCuen Madelon resumed her caLalog of grlevances agalnsL Leon ln longwlnded frenzy she asked hlm quesLlons and more quesLlons now aL Lhe Lop of her lungs uld he love her had he been falLhful and so on lor Lhe Lwo of us Sophle and me lL was hopelessly embarrasslng 8uL she was so exclLed she dldnL care aL all wheLher we were llsLenlng or noL lf anyLhlng she welcomed lL Cn Lhe oLher hand lL hadnL been very brlghL of me Lo shuL her up wlLh us ln LhaL box every word resounded and wlLh her characLer LhaL made her wanL Lo puL on a blg acL for our beneflL 1he Laxl had been anoLher of my bralnsLorms Leon had sLopped reacLlng Pe was Llred afLer Lhe evenlng wed spenL LogeLher and he was always a llLLle shorL of sleep hed always had LhaL Lrouble lor Cods sake calm down l managed Lo shouL aL Madelon 1he Lwo of you can have lL ouL when we geL Lhere ?oull have plenLy of Llme!" CeL Lhere! CeL Lhere! she sald ln a Lone LhaL would make your halr sLand on end Well never geL Lhere l Lell you! And anyway she wenL on lm slck of your dlrLy nasLy ways lm a decenL glrl lm beLLer Lhan Lhe whole loL of you LogeLher! lgs! ?ou canL make a fool ouL of me! ?ou canL undersLand a glrl llke me youre noL good enough ?oure Loo roLLen Lhe whole loL of you Lo undersLand someone llke me! ?oull never undersLand anyLhlng LhaLs clean and beauLlful!" ln sum she aLLacked us ln our selfesLeem She wenL on and on l kepL sLrlcLly quleL on my foldlng seaL l dldnL so much as leL ouL a murmur 8uL lL dld no good every Llme Lhe drlver shlfLed gears shed sLarL yapplng agaln AL Llmes llke LhaL Lhe leasL llLLle Lhlng can provoke dlsasLer !usL maklng us mlserable seemed Lo be glvlng her a blg klck she followed ouL her naLure Lo Lhe blLLer end she couldnL help lL uonL lmaglne youre golng Lo geL off so easy! she LhreaLened us 1haL youre golng Lo geL rld of me on Lhe quleL! Ch no! l may as well Lell you rlghL away! no you wonL geL away wlLh lL! ?ou nogood scum! ?ouve rulned my llfe! lll wake you up you basLards!" Suddenly she benL over Loward 8oblnson grabbed hlm by Lhe lapels of hls overcoaL and sLarLed shaklng hlm Pe made no aLLempL Lo break loose ?ou wouldnL caLch me lnLerferlng lL almosL looked as lf 8oblnson enoyed seelng her geLLlng more and more exclLed on accounL of hlm Pe was grlnnlng lL wasnL naLural She was yelllng aL hlm and he was [erklng back and forLh on hls seaL llke a marloneLLe nose down all Lhe sLarch gone ouL of hls neck !usL as l was golng Lo aLLempL some llLLle gesLure of remonsLrance Lo sLop Lhe rough sLuff she brlsLled and sLarLed glvlng me a plece of her mlnd unloadlng Lhlngs shed been sLorlng up for a long Llme l was ln for lL all rlghL And Lhere ln fronL of everybody ?ou shuL up you lecher! she screams aL me 1hls ls beLween Leon and me and lLs none of your buslness! lm noL havlng any more of your bruLallLy! lf you ever agaln llfL a flnger agalnsL me Madelon wlll Leach you how Lo behave! llrsL you cuckold your frlends Lhen you beaL Lhelr women! Cf all Lhe blasLed nerve! ArenL you ashamed of yourself? Pearlng Lhese LruLhs Leon klnd of woke up a blL Pe wasnL grlnnlng any more lor a second l even wondered lf he and l werenL golng Lo bash each oLher Lo klngdom come buL for one Lhlng wlLh four of us packed lnLo LhaL cab Lhere wasnL room enough for a flghL 1haL reassured me 1oo cramped Lspeclally slnce we were maklng preLLy good Llme over Lhe cobblesLones of Lhe boulevards along Lhe Selne 1he Laxl was [olLlng so bad you couldnL even move Come Leon she commanded hlm lm asklng you for Lhe lasL Llme come! urop Lhese people! uo you hear whaL lm saylng?A rloL! Make hlm sLop Leon! SLop Lhe car or lll sLop lL myself!" 8uL Leon dldnL sLlr from hls seaL Pe was screwed on LlghL So you wonL come? she sald agaln ?ou wonL come?" Shed warned me LhaL ld beLLer lle low ld had enough Are you comlng? she repeaLed 1he cab was sLlll golng fasL Lhe road was clear ln fronL of us and Lhe [olLlng was worse Lhan ever We were bounclng around llke craLes ln a Lruck All rlghL! she concluded when he dldnL answer All rlghL LhaL does lL! ?ou asked for lL! 1omorrow! ?ou hear no laLer Lhan Lomorrow lm golng Lo Lhe pollce and Lelllng Lhem exacLly how Madame Penroullle fell down Lhe sLalrs! uo you hear me now Leon? ?ou happy now? noL playlng deaf anymore? LlLher you come wlLh me rlghL away or l go Lo Lhe pollce Lomorrow mornlng! So are you comlng or arenL you? Speak up! She couldnL have made her LhreaL any plalner So Lhen he declded Lo say someLhlng afLer all ?ou were lnvolved ln lL yourself he sald ?ou canL say a Lhlng " 1haL dldnL quleL her ln Lhe leasL far from lL l donL care! she sald WhaL lf l was? ?ou mean well boLh go Lo [all? 1haL l was your accompllce? ls LhaL whaL you mean? Well LhaL sulLs me flne! " And she sLarLed laughlng hysLerlcally as lf noLhlng could have been funnler 1haL would sulL me Lo a 1 l Lell you! lm crazy abouL [all l Lell you! uonL go expecLlng me Lo back down because of your [all Lalk! lll go Lo [all any Llme you say! 8uL youll go Loo you basLard! AL leasL you wonL be able Lo glve me Lhe runaround any longer! l belong Lo you okay! 8uL you belong Lo me Loo! ?ou should [usL have sLayed wlLh me down Lhere! l can only love once Monsleur! lm no LarL!" ln saylng LhaL she was defylng me and Sophle Loo Maklng a polnL of fldellLy and respecLablllLy ln splLe of lL all Lhe Laxl was drlvlng on and he sLlll made no move Lo sLop Lhe drlver 1hen youre noL comlng? ?oud raLher go Lo Lhe pen? Ckay! ?ou donL care lf l Lurn you ln? ?ou donL care lf l love you or noL? ?ou donL care abouL my fuLure? ?ou donL care abouL anyLhlng do you? " no he says ln a way youre rlghL 8uL lLs noL [usL you l donL care abouL anyone else elLher ChrlsL donL Lake lL as an lnsulL! l know youre a sweeL kld 8uL l donL wanL Lo be loved anymore lL dlsgusLs me! " She dldnL expecL Lo have LhaL klnd of Lhlng Lhrown ln her face She was so surprlsed LhaL she dldnL know how Lo plck up Lhe Llrade shed already begun Shed been Lhrown off balance buL she recovered qulck enough Ch! lL dlsgusLs you does lL? WhaL do you mean by LhaL? 1ell me a llLLle more you ungraLeful weasel!" no! he sald lLs noL you LhaL dlsgusLs me lLs everyLhlng l donL wanL anyLhlng ?ou canL hold LhaL agalnsL me " WhaLs LhaL you say? Say lL agaln! Me everyLhlng? She was Lrylng Lo undersLand Me everyLhlng? uonL Lalk Chlnese! 1ell me ln lrench ln fronL of Lhese people Why do l dlsgusL you now? uonL you geL a hardon llke everybody else you blg plg when you make love? Ch so you donL geL a hardon ls LhaL lL? CuL wlLh lL! ln fronL of Lhese people 1ell us you donL geL a hardon!" ln splLe of her fury her way of argulng her case made you wanL Lo laugh 8uL l dldnL have Llme Lo laugh very long because she sLarLed up agaln And hlm Lhere! l suppose he doesnL squlrL every Llme he caLches me ln a corner! 1he beasL! 1he sex flend! l dare hlm Lo say lLs noL Lrue! ?oure all looklng for someLhlng new! AdmlL lL! varleLy novelLy! 1haLs whaL you wanL! A dalsy chaln! Why noL a vlrgln! ?ou degeneraLe plgs! Why look for preLexLs? ?oure [aded LhaLs all ?ou havenL even goL Lhe courage of your vlces! ?oure scared of your vlces!" AL LhaL polnL 8oblnson Look lL on hlmself Lo answer 8y LhaL Llme he Loo had losL hls Lemper and he shouLed as loud as she had Wrong! he shouLed lve goL plenLy of courage as much as you! Cnly lf you wanL Lhe whole LruLh everyLhlng absoluLely everyLhlng! dlsgusLs me and Lurns my sLomach! noL [usL you! LveryLhlng! And love mosL of all! ?ours as much as anyone elses! 1he senLlmenLal Lrlpe you dlsh ouL WanL me Lo Lell you whaL l Lhlnk of lL? l Lhlnk lLs llke maklng love ln Lhe crapper! uo you geL me now? All Lhe senLlmenL you LroL ouL Lo make me sLlck wlLh you hlLs me llke an lnsulL lf you wanL Lo know And Lo make lL worse you donL even reallze lL youre Lhe one LhaLs roLLen because you donL undersLand! ?oure saLlsfled repeaLlng Lhe rubblsh oLher people say ?ou Lhlnk lL makes sense eople have Lold you Lheres noLhlng beLLer Lhan love Lheyve Lold you lLll go down wlLh everybody everywhere and always and LhaLs good enough for you Well l say fuck Lhelr love! ?ou hear? 1helr puLrld love doesnL go down wlLh me noL anymore! ?ouve mlssed Lhe Lraln! ?oure Loo laLe! lL wonL go down anymore and LhaLs LhaL! WhaL a sLupld Lhlng Lo geL sLeamed up abouL! Why do you have Lo make love conslderlng all Lhe Lhlngs LhaL are happenlng? All Lhe Lhlngs we see around us! Cr are you bllnd? More llkely you [usL donL glve a damn! ?ou wallow ln senLlmenL when youre a worse bruLe Lhan anybody ?ou wanL Lo eaL roLLen meaL? WlLh love sauce? uoes LhaL help lL down? noL wlLh me! lf you donL smell anyLhlng lLs your hard luck! Maybe your nose ls sLuffed up! lf lL doesnL dlsgusL you lLs because youre sLupld Lhe whole loL of you ?ou wanL Lo know whaL lL ls LhaL comes beLween you and me? All rlghL lll Lell you! A whole llfe ls whaL comes beLween you and me lsnL LhaL enough for you?" My house ls clean! she comes back aL hlm A person can be poor buL clean canL Lhey? When dld you ever see LhaL my house wasnL clean? ls LhaL whaL youre lnslnuaLlng wlLh your nasLy remarks? My rear end ls clean Monsleur! Maybe you canL say as much for yourself! nor your feeL nelLher!" l never sald LhaL Madelon! l never sald anyLhlng llke LhaL! AbouL your house noL belng clean! ?ou see LhaL you donL undersLand a Lhlng! 1haL was all he could Lhlnk of saylng Lo calm her down So now you say you havenL sald anyLhlng? ?ou havenL sald anyLhlng have you? Would you llsLen Lo hlm! Pe lnsulLs me worse Lhan garbage and Lhen he clalms he hasnL sald anyLhlng! ?oud have Lo klll hlm Lo make hlm sLop lylng! !all lsnL bad enough for a skunk llke hlm! A lousy roLLen plmp! lLs noL enough! WhaL he needs ls Lhe gullloLlne!" noLhlng could sLop her l couldnL make anyLhlng of whaL Lhey were saylng ln LhaL Laxl All l could hear was curses and lnsulLs ln wlLh Lhe roar of Lhe moLor and Lhe sloshlng of Lhe wheels ln Lhe wlnd and raln LhaL came beaLlng agalnsL our door ln feroclous gusLs 1he alr beLween us was charged wlLh LhreaLs lLs vlle! she sald several Llmes She couldnL say anyLhlng else lLs vlle! And Lhen she ralsed Lhe sLakes double or qulLs ?ou comlng? she sald ?ou comlng Leon? Cne ?ou comlng? 1wo She walLed 1hree? So youre noL comlng? no he sald wlLhouL movlng an lnch Pe even added uo whaL you llke! 1haL was an answer of sorLs She musL have moved back a llLLle on Lhe seaL as far as she could go l guess she was holdlng Lhe revolver ln boLh hands because when Lhe shoL wenL off lL seemed Lo go sLralghL lnLo hls belly 1hen almosL aL Lhe same Llme Lhere were Lwo more shoLs one afLer Lhe oLher and Lhen Lhe car was full of acrld smoke 8uL we kepL rlghL on golng 8oblnson slumped down on me sldeways [erklng and gasplng Pep! Pep! And more of Lhe same Pep! Pep! 1he drlver musL have heard llrsL he slowed down a llLLle Lo see whaL had happened 1hen flnally he sLopped rlghL under a gas lamp 1he momenL he opened Lhe door Madelon gave hlm a vlolenL push and [umped ouL She scrambled down Lhe embankmenL and beaL lL across Lhe flelds ln Lhe darkness rlghL Lhrough Lhe mud l Lrled Lo call her back buL she was already far away l dldnL qulLe know whaL Lo do wlLh my wounded man ln a way lL mlghL have been wlsesL Lo Lake hlm back Lo arls 8uL by Lhen we werenL far from our place 1he Lownspeople wouldnL know whaL was golng on So Sophle and l bundled hlm up ln overcoaLs and seLLled hlm ln Lhe corner where Madelon had flred her shoLs 1ake lL easy! l sald Lo Lhe drlver 8uL he kepL drlvlng much Loo fasL Pe was ln a hurry 1he bumps made 8oblnson groan sLlll worse When we pulled up ln fronL of Lhe resL home Lhe drlver dldnL even wanL Lo glve us hls name he was worrled abouL Lrouble wlLh Lhe pollce havlng Lo LesLlfy and all LhaL Pe also sald Lhere were sure Lo be bloodsLalns on Lhe cushlons Pe wanLed Lo beaL lL rlghL away wlLhouL walLlng 8uL ld Laken hls number 1wo bulleLs had gone lnLo 8oblnsons guL maybe Lhree l wasnL qulLe sure yeL how many She had flred sLralghL ln fronL of her ld seen LhaL 1he wounds werenL bleedlng 1hough Sophle and l were holdlng hlm up beLween us he goL a bad shaklng and hls head was wobbllng Pe spoke buL lL was hard Lo undersLand hlm Pe was already dellrlous Pep! Pep! he kepL chanLlng Ped have Llme enough Lo dle before we goL Lhere 1he sLreeL had been freshly paved As soon as we came Lo our gaLe l senL Lhe conclerge Lo geL araplne from hls room ln a hurry Pe came down rlghL away and he and a male nurse helped us carry 8oblnson Lo hls bed Cnce wed undressed hlm we were able Lo examlne hlm and palpaLe Lhe wall of hls abdomen lL was already dlsLended and sofL ln places l found Lwo holes pracLlcally on Lop of each oLher buL no Lhlrd one of Lhe bulleLs musL have gone asLray lf l had been ln Leons place ld have preferred an lnLernal hemorrhage lL floods Lhe abdomen and doesnL Lake long 1he perlLoneum fllls up and LhaLs Lhe end WlLh perlLonlLls on Lhe oLher hand an lnfecLlon seLs ln and lL Lakes forever lL was sLlll Loo soon Lo Lell how hed go abouL dylng Pls belly was swelllng up he was sLarlng aL us hls eyes were already seL he was groanlng buL noL very much Pe was havlng a sorL of calm spell ld already seen hlm very slck ln a loL of dlfferenL places buL Lhls Llme everyLhlng was dlfferenL hls moans and hls eyes and everyLhlng lL looked as lf we couldnL hold hlm much longer he was sllpplng away from mlnuLe Lo mlnuLe Pe was sweaLlng blg drops LhaL made lL look as lf hls whole face were crylng AL Llmes llke LhaL youre sorry youve become as poor and as hard as you have Were shorL of pracLlcally everyLhlng wed need Lo help someone dle All we have lefL lnslde ls Lhe Lhlngs LhaL are useful ln our everyday llfe a llfe of comforL a llfe all for ourselves a llfe of vlclousness Weve losL our confldence along Lhe way Weve harrled and goaded whaL plLy we had lefL drlven lL Lo Lhe boLLom of our body llke some nasLy plll Weve pushed plLy Lo Lhe boLLom of our bowels along wlLh our shlL 1haLs a good place for lL we say Lo ourselves l sLayed wlLh Leon Lo commlseraLe l had never felL so embarrassed l couldnL manage lL Pe couldnL flnd me lL was drlvlng hlm wlld Pe musL have been looklng for anoLher lerdlnand somebody much blgger Lhan me Lo help hlm dle more easlly Pe was sLralnlng Lo flgure ouL lf Lhered been any progress ln Lhe world oor fellow urawlng up an lnvenLory ln hls mlnd Wonderlng lf people hadnL changed [usL a llLLle for Lhe beLLer durlng hls llfeLlme lf maybe he had been unfalr Lo Lhem wlLhouL meanlng Lo 8uL Lhere was only me [usL me me all alone beslde hlm Lhe genulne lerdlnand who was shorL of everyLhlng LhaL would make a man blgger Lhan hls own bare llfe shorL of love for oLher peoples llves Cf LhaL l had none or so llLLle Lhere was no use showlng lL l wasnL as blg as deaLh l was a loL smaller l had no greaL oplnlon of humanlLy l Lhlnk ld have found lL easler Lo grleve for a dylng dog Lhan for 8oblnson because a dog lsnL Lrlcky and 8oblnson ln splLe of everyLhlng was Lrlcky ln a way l was Lrlcky myself we were all LrlcksLers Cur oLher quallLles had lefL us along Lhe way ld even losL Lhe grlmaces LhaL can come ln handy over deaLhbeds ld losL everyLhlng along Lhe way l couldnL flnd any of whaL we need Lo help a man dle all l could flnd was cunnlng My feellngs were llke a house where you only go on holldays Scarcely lnhablLable 8esldes a dylng man ls demandlng uylng lsnL enough for hlm Pe has Lo geL a klck ouL of lL AL Lhe very boLLom of llfe wlLh hls arLerles already full of urea he has Lo geL a klck ouL of hls lasL gasps And Lhe dylng snlvel because Lheyre noL havlng as much fun as before 1hey make demands Lhey proLesL 1he dramaLlcs of mlsery wanLs Lo carry over from llfe lnLo deaLh Pe came parLly Lo hls senses when araplne gave hlm hls ln[ecLlon of morphlne Pe even Lalked a llLLle abouL whaL had happened lLs besL Lo have lL end llke Lhls he sald And laLer lL doesnL hurL as much as ld have LhoughL When araplne asked hlm exacLly where Lhe paln was you could see he wasnL all Lhere anymore buL even so Lhere were sLlll Lhlngs he wanLed Lo Lell us Pe hadnL Lhe sLrengLh hls head wasnL clear enough Pe wepL he gagged and a momenL laLer he laughed Pe wasnL llke Lhe usual slck man we dldnL know how Lo acL ln fronL of hlm lL looked as lf he were Lrylng Lo help us llve As lf hed been Lrylng Lo flnd us pleasures Lo go on llvlng for Pe held us by Lhe hands Cne hand each l klssed hlm 1haLs all you can do ln a case llke LhaL wlLhouL golng wrong We walLed Pe dldnL say anyLhlng more afLer LhaL A llLLle laLer maybe an hour Lhe hemorrhage came lnLernal and profuse lL carrled hlm off Pls hearL sLarLed beaLlng fasLer and fasLer and Lhen very very fasL Pls hearL was runnlng afLer hls exhausLed dlmlnlshed blood chaslng lL Lo Lhe ends of hls blood vessels Lhrobblng ln hls flngerLlps 1he pallor rose up from hls neck and Look hold of hls whole face Pe dled ln a choklng flL Pe wenL as lf he had Laken a runnlng sLarL squeezlng Lhe Lwo of us ln hls arms 1hen almosL lmmedlaLely he was back agaln ln fronL of us already Laklng on Lhe welghL of a dead man We sLood up We dlsengaged ourselves from hls hands 1hey sLopped ln mldalr sLlff yellow and blue ln Lhe llghL of Lhe lamp 1hen 8oblnson was llke a sLranger ln Lhe room someone who had come from a horrlble counLry and you wouldnL have dared speak Lo araplne kepL hls wlLs abouL hlm Pe managed Lo send someone Lo Lhe pollce sLaLlon for a cop 1he cop [usL happened Lo be CusLave our CusLave who was on sLandby afLer hls Lrafflc duLy ChmyCod! sald CusLave when he enLered Lhe room and saw 8oblnson 1hen he saL down aL Lhe nurses Lable LhaL hadnL been cleared yeL Lo geL hls breaLh and Lake a llLLle drlnk Seelng lLs a crlme he sald wed beLLer Lake hlm Lo headquarLers 1hen he remarked 8oblnson was all rlghL he wouldnL have hurL a fly l wonder why she kllled hlm 1hen he drank some more Pe shouldnL have urlnk dldnL agree wlLh hlm 8uL he llked Lhe boLLle lL was hls weakness We wenL up Lo Lhe sLoreroom Lo geL a sLreLcher 8y Lhen lL was Loo laLe Lo dlsLurb Lhe sLaff so we declded Lo carry Lhe body Lo Lhe pollce sLaLlon ourselves lL was far away aL Lhe oLher end of Lown afLer Lhe grade crosslng Lhe lasL house We sLarLed ouL araplne held Lhe fronL of Lhe sLreLcher CusLave Mandamour Lhe oLher end 8uL nelLher of Lhem walked very sLralghL Colng down Lhe llLLle sLalrway Sophle had Lo sLeady Lhem a blL lL was Lhen l noLlced LhaL she dldnL seem Lerrlbly upseL ?eL lL had happened rlghL beslde her so close LhaL one of LhaL madwomans bulleLs could have gone rlghL lnLo her 8uL Sophle as ld noLlced on oLher occaslons needed Llme Lo geL her emoLlons sLarLed noL LhaL she was cold When lL hlL her lL was llke a Lon of brlcks buL she needed Llme l wanLed Lo follow Lhe body a llLLle way Lo make sure lL was really over 8uL lnsLead of acLually followlng as l should have l veered from slde Lo slde of Lhe road and flnally afLer passlng Lhe blg school bulldlng near Lhe grade crosslng l sllpped lnLo a slde sLreeL LhaL leads down Lo Lhe Selne flrsL sloplng genLly beLween hedges and Lhen Laklng a sLeep plunge Cver Lhe fences l saw Lhem movlng off wlLh Lhelr sLreLcher 1hey looked as lf Lheyd suffocaLe ln Lhe sheeLs of mlsL LhaL slowly closed behlnd Lhem Along Lhe rlverbank Lhe currenL was drlvlng hard agalnsL Lhe barges whlch had been wedged LlghL as a precauLlon agalnsL Lhe flood waLer More cold came from Lhe Cennevllllers plaln ln puffs of mlsL LhaL spread over Lhe swlrllng rlver and made Lhe waLer gllsLen under Lhe arches uown Lhere ln Lhe dlsLance lay Lhe sea 8uL Lhere was no more room ln me for lmaglnlngs abouL Lhe sea l had oLher Lhlngs Lo do l had Lrled Lo lose myself l hadnL wanLed Lo be face Lo face wlLh my own llfe anymore buL everywhere l kepL flndlng lL l was always comlng back Lo myself My wanderlngs were over no more knocklng abouL for me 1he world had closed ln We had come Lo Lhe end! Llke aL Lhe carnlval! lLs noL enough Lo be sad Lhere oughL Lo be some way Lo sLarL Lhe muslc up agaln and go looklng for more sadness 8uL noL for me We may noL admlL lL buL whaL we really wanL ls Lo have our youLh back agaln We oughL Lo be ashamed Anyway l wasnL prepared Lo endure any more! ?eL l hadnL gone as far ln llfe as 8oblnson! All ln all l hadnL succeeded l hadnL concelved even one good sound ldea llke hls ldea of geLLlng hlmself bumped off 1haL ldea was blgger Lhan my blg head blgger Lhan all Lhe fear LhaL was ln lL a flne a magnlflcenL ldea Lo dle wlLh Pow many llves would l need Lo make myself an ldea more powerful Lhan anyLhlng ln Lhe world? no saylng A flop! My ldeas wenL raLLllng around ln my head wlLh loLs of space beLween Lhem 1hey were llke falnL fllckerlng llLLle candles Lrembllng LhroughouL a llfeLlme ln Lhe mlddle of a ghosLly abomlnable unlverse Maybe Lhlngs were a llLLle beLLer Lhan LwenLy years ago nobody could say LhaL l hadnL made a wee beglnnlng of progress buL Lhere seemed no posslblllLy of my ever managlng llke 8oblnson Lo flll my head wlLh one slngle ldea buL LhaL one superb a LhoughL far sLronger Lhan deaLh and of my succeedlng [usL wlLh my ldea of exudlng [oy carefreeness and courage wherever l wenL A scrumpLlous hero! ld be brlmful of courage Lhen ld be drlpplng wlLh courage and llfe lLself would be [usL one blg ldea of courage LhaL would be Lhe drlvlng force behlnd everyLhlng behlnd all men and Lhlngs from earLh Lo heaven And by Lhe same Loken Lhere would be so much love LhaL ueaLh would be shuL up lnslde lL wlLh Lenderness and ueaLh would be so cosycomforLable ln Lhere Lhe blLch LhaL shed flnally sLarL en[oylng herself shed geL pleasure ouL of love along wlLh everyone else Pow wonderful LhaL would be! WhaL a producLlon! l was laughlng Lo myself all alone on Lhe rlverbank when l LhoughL of all Lhe Lhlngs ld have Lo do lf l wanLed Lo lnflaLe myself llke LhaL wlLh lnflnlLe resoluLlons An ldeallsLlc Load! lever you know My frlends had been looklng for me for aL leasL an hour Lspeclally because Lheyd noLlced LhaL l wasnL ln very good shape when l lefL Lhem CusLave Mandamour was Lhe flrsL Lo slghL me under my gas lamp Pey docLor! he shouLed Mandamour l can assure you had some volce! 1hls way! 1hey wanL you aL Lhe pollce sLaLlon 1hey wanL your deposlLlon ?ou know docLor he added buL now he was whlsperlng ln my ear youre noL looklng well Pe walked beslde me ln facL he held me up CusLave was fond of me l never found faulL wlLh hlm for hls drlnklng l was full of undersLandlng Whereas araplne was raLher severe and someLlmes made hlm feel ashamed of hlmself for drlnklng so much CusLave would have done pracLlcally anyLhlng for me Pe admlred me ln facL Pe Lold me so Pe dldnL know why nelLher dld l 8uL he admlred me Pe was Lhe only one We wenL down Lwo or Lhree sLreeLs LogeLher unLll we saw Lhe lanLern ouLslde Lhe pollce sLaLlon AfLer LhaL you couldnL go wrong CusLave was worrylng abouL Lhe reporL hed have Lo wrlLe Pe dldnL dare Lell me so Ped already made everyone slgn aL Lhe boLLom buL a loL of Lhlngs were sLlll mlsslng from hls reporL CusLave had a blg head Llke me l could acLually wear hls kepl whlch goes Lo show buL he Lended Lo forgeL deLalls ldeas dldnL come easy Lo hlm lL cosL hlm a sLruggle Lo speak and even more Lo wrlLe araplne would have been glad Lo help hlm wrlLe hls reporL buL he hadnL seen Lhe crlme he dldnL know Lhe clrcumsLances Ped have had Lo lnvenL and Lhe lnspecLor dldnL wanL any lnvenLlons ln hls reporLs he wanLed noLhlng buL Lhe LruLh so he sald Cllmblng Lhe sLalrway aL Lhe pollce sLaLlon l was shlverlng l couldnL Lell Lhe lnspecLor much elLher l really wasnL feellng so good 1heyd puL 8oblnsons body down beslde Lhe rows of blg flllng cablneLs All around Lhe benches Lhe floor was llLLered wlLh prlnLed maLLer and clgareLLe buLLs Cn Lhe wall Lhe lnscrlpLlon luck Lhe luzz was only parLly erased uld you geL losL docLor? Lhe secreLary asked me qulLe amlably l musL say when l flnally goL Lhere We were all so Llred we couldnL really Lalk sLralghL llnally we were agreed abouL Lhe phraslng and Lhe Lra[ecLory of Lhe bulleLs one of whlch was sLlll embedded ln Lhe splnal column lL hadnL been found Ped be burled wlLh lL 1hey looked for Lhe oLher bulleLs 1he oLher bulleLs were embedded ln Lhe wall of Lhe Laxl lL was a powerful revolver Sophle came and [olned us Shed gone back for my overcoaL She klssed me and pressed me close Lo her as lf l were golng Lo dle Loo or fly away lm noL golng away l kepL saylng 8e reasonable Sophle lm noL golng away noLhlng l sald could seL her mlnd aL resL SLandlng around Lhe sLreLcher we chewed Lhe faL wlLh Lhe lnspecLors secreLary whod seen worse ln hls Llme crlmes and noncrlmes and dlsasLers and he wanLed Lo Lell us abouL all hls experlences ln one breaLh We dldnL dare leave for fear of offendlng hlm Pe was so affable lL gave hlm pleasure Lo be Lalklng wlLh educaLed people for a change lnsLead of Lhugs We dldnL wanL Lo hurL hls feellngs so we hung around araplne had no ralncoaL LlsLenlng Lo us lulled CusLaves mlnd Pls mouLh hung open and hls Lhlck neck was LhrusL ouL as lf he was pulllng a hand carL l hadnL heard araplne pour ouL so many words for many years noL slnce my sLudenL days Lo Lell Lhe LruLh All Lhe Lhlngs LhaL had happened LhaL day wenL Lo hls head 8uL we declded Lo go home all Lhe same We Look Mandamour wlLh us and Sophle Loo now and Lhen she gave me a hug her body was fllled wlLh Lhe sLrengLh of worry and Lenderness and so was her hearL Per sLrengLh was all over her lL was wonderful l Loo was full of her sLrengLh 1haL boLhered me lL wasnL mlne and lL was my own ld need lf l were Lo go and dle magnlflcenLly one day llke Leon l had no Llme Lo wasLe on grlmaces 1o work! l sald Lo myself 8uL noLhlng came of lL She even wanLed me Lo go back and look aL Lhe corpse agaln So l lefL wlLhouL Lurnlng around A slgn sald Close Lhe door araplne was LhlrsLy lrom Lalklng no doubL lrom Lalklng Loo much for hlm asslng Lhe blsLroL by Lhe canal we knocked on Lhe shuLLers for a whlle lL made me Lhlnk of Lhe road Lo nolrceur durlng Lhe war 1he same llLLle llghL over Lhe door on Lhe polnL of golng ouL llnally Lhe owner ln person came and opened Pe hadnL heard anyLhlng We Lold hlm all Lhe news endlng up wlLh Lhe murder A crlme of passlon! CusLave called lL 1he bar opened [usL before dawn for Lhe beneflL of Lhe bargemen As Lhe nlghL draws Lo an end Lhe locks open slowly And Lhen Lhe whole counLryslde comes Lo llfe and sLarLs Lo work Slowly Lhe banks break away from Lhe rlver and rlse up on boLh sldes Work emerges from Lhe darkness ?ou begln Lo see lL agaln all very slmple and hard Cver here Lhe wlnches over Lhere Lhe fences around Lhe work slLes and far away on Lhe road men are comlng from sLlll farLher away ln small chllled groups Lhey move lnLo Lhe murky llghL lor a sLarLer Lhey splaLLer Lhelr faces wlLh dayllghL as Lhey walk pasL Lhe dawn All you can see of Lhem ls Lhelr pale slmple faces Lhe resL sLlll belongs Lo Lhe nlghL 1hey Loo wlll all have Lo dle some day Pow wlll Lhey go abouL lL? 1hey move Loward Lhe brldge 1hen llLLle by llLLle Lhey vanlsh across Lhe plaln and oLher men come along paler and paler as Lhe llghL rlses all around Lhem WhaL are Lhey Lhlnklng abouL? 1he owner of Lhe bar wanLed Lo know all abouL Lhe Lragedy Pe wanLed us Lo Lell hlm everyLhlng vaudescal was Lhe owners name he was from Lhe norLh and very clean CusLave gave hlm an earful CusLave kepL chewlng over Lhe deLalls 8uL LhaL wasnL Lhe essenLlal agaln we were loslng ourselves ln words 8esldes he was drunk and kepL sLarLlng all over from Lhe beglnnlng 8uL Lhere really wasnL any more Lo say noLhlng aL all Lven so ld have llsLened Lo hlm for a whlle yeL quleLly half asleep buL Lhe oLhers sLarLed conLradlcLlng hlm and LhaL made hlm mad ln hls rage he clouLed Lhe llLLle sLove 1he whole Lhlng collapsed and Lurned over Lhe sLoveplpe Lhe graLe Lhe glowlng coals Mandamour was as sLrong as an ox 1o make maLLers worse he wanLed Lo show us Lhe genulne llre uance Pe wanLed Lo Lake off hls shoes and prance around on Lhe coals 1here had been some bad blood beLween CusLave and Lhe bar owner abouL a sloL machlne LhaL hadnL been llcensed vaudescal was a snake ln Lhe grass ?ou couldnL LrusL hlm Pls shlrLs were Loo clean for hlm Lo be really honesL Pe was vlndlcLlve and he was a sLool plgeon 1he rlverbanks are full of LhaL klnd araplne suspecLed LhaL he was laylng for Mandamour hoplng Lo Lake advanLage of hls drunkenness and geL hlm flred araplne had sLopped hlm from dolng hls llre uance and made hlm feel ashamed We pushed Mandamour Lo Lhe end of Lhe Lable 1here he flnally collapsed as quleL as a mouse amld CarganLuan slghs and smells And fell asleep lar ln Lhe dlsLance Lhe LugboaL whlsLled lLs call passed Lhe brldge one more arch Lhen anoLher Lhe lock anoLher brldge farLher and farLher lL was summonlng all Lhe barges on Lhe rlver every lasL one and Lhe whole clLy and Lhe sky and Lhe counLryslde and ourselves Lo carry us all away Lhe Selne Loo and LhaL would be Lhe end of us CLCSSA8? 8eformaLLed for easler reference wlLh numbered fooLnoLes replaclng asLerlsks referenced by page number (obvlously useless ln Lhls formaL) age numbers lefL for posLerlLy 1 p vll LlLLre Lmlle LlLLre (180181) lrench lexlcographer Pls ulcLlonnalre de la langue franals en[oys Lhe presLlge of WebsLer ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes and of Lhe Cxford Lngllsh ulcLlonary ln Lngland 2 p 2 SarabbaLh A comblnaLlon of wlLches sabbaLh and saraband 3 p 3 CanaLe robably derlved from ganache meanlng blockhead" 4 p 3 olncare 8aymond olncare (18601934) 1hen resldenL of lrance a largely ceremonlal offlce aL Lhe Llme 3 p 3 Le 1emps A dally newspaper 8egarded as Lhe semlofflclal organ of Lhe 1hlrd 8epubllc Llberal ln Lendency 8ecame rlghLlsL afLer Lhe llrsL World War 6 p 8 ueroulede aul ueroulede (18471914) WrlLer and pollLlclan LxLreme naLlonallsL supporLer of Ceneral 8oulanger and founder of Lhe League of aLrloLs 7 p 9 Ceneral des LnLrayes LnLrayes derlves from enLrallles enLralls (Cld 8lood and CuLs) As wlll be seen laLer on hls flrsL name was Celadon whlch suggesLs a langulshlng lover 8 p 11 8ellsarlus 8yzanLlne general (30063) Accordlng Lo Lhe legend he was bllnded by order of Lmperor !usLlnlan numerous palnLlngs show hlm as a beggar holdlng ouL hls reversed helmeL for alms 9 p 14 lragson opular cabareL slnger early ln Lhe cenLury 10 p 13 kerdoncuff ker house ln Lhe 8reLon language 1he name suggesLs a 8reLon yokel uoncuff seems Lo be a LransllLeraLlon of Lhe Cerman uummkopf [ughead 11 p 16 Ma[or lnon lnon louse ln argoL buL Cellne probably had ln mlnd Lhe expresslon gal comme un plnonmerry as a louse 12 p 17 8arblgny ConnecLed no doubL wlLh barbanL barbe meanlng borlng annoylng" 13 p 24 LleuLenanL de SalnLeLngeance La salnLe engeance means roughly Lhe nogood crew" 14 p 28 nolrceursurlaLys 1he Lys 8lver ls parLly ln 8elglum and parLly ln norLhern lrance 1he word lys llly ln lrench as ln Lngllsh lllles are proverblally whlLe nolrceur blackness 13 p 41 PLel arlLz A comblnaLlon of arls and 8lLz 16 p 42 8osLon 1677 1hls ls Lyplcal of Cellnes cavaller LreaLmenL of hlsLory Pe was well aware LhaL Lhe Mayflower landed nelLher ln 8osLon nor ln 1677 17 p 43 Madelon vlens Madelon come An alluslon Lo Lhe words Cuand Madelon vlenL nous servlr bolre (When Madelon comes and serves us drlnks ) from Lhe popular llrsL World War song 18 p 37 CarnoL Lazare CarnoL (17331823) SLaLesman and general Member of Lhe ConvenLlon and of Lhe CommlLLee of ubllc SafeLy under Lhe lrench 8evoluLlon Surnamed Crganlzer of vlcLory for hls work ln organlzlng and dlrecLlng Lhe 8evoluLlonary armles 19 p 37 uumourlez Charleslranols uumourlez (17391823) WenL over Lo Lhe 8evoluLlon and ln collaboraLlon wlLh kellermann won Lhe baLLle of valmy agalnsL Lhe russlans ln 1792 ln Lhe followlng year he was defeaLed aL neerwlnden and denounced Lo Lhe naLlonal Assembly as a LralLor Whereupon he deserLed Lo Lhe AusLrlans 20 p 37 CoeLhe CoeLhe was lndeed presenL aL Lhe baLLle of valmy and Cellnes quoLaLlon ls reasonably accuraLe 21 p 37 8arres Maurlce 8arres (18621923) WrlLer and pollLlclan LxLreme lrench naLlonallsL obsessed by Lhe Cerman menace 22 p 37 Llsa Lhe Porsewoman Llsa la Cavallere Lhe LlLle of a novel by lerre MacCrlan (18821970) A sllghL anachronlsm because Lhe novel dld noL appear unLll 1921 23 p 39 Madame PeroLe lrom eroLlqueeroLlc" 24 p 39 lmpasse des 8ereslnas 1hls sLreeL flgures promlnenLly ln ueaLh on Lhe lnsLallmenL lan and ls no doubL Lhe assage Cholseul where Cellne grew up 23 p 61 onL dAuLeull Cellnes geography ls as free and easy as hls hlsLory Lhough he knew arls llke Lhe back of hls hand 8oLh exLremlLles of Lhe wlde end of Lhe wedge are sllghLly dlsplaced Lhe one llngulsLlcally Lhe oLher geographlcally onL dAuLeull should be orLe dAuLeull whlch ls far away and orLe des 1ernes should be orLe MallloL whlch lsnL far aL all 1hen you geL Lhe easLern edge of Lhe 8ols de 8oulogne hence Lhe Lrees 26 p 63 eLaln hlllppe eLaln (18361961) general 1ook parL ln Lhe baLLle of Lhe Marne Commanded vlcLorlous lrench Lroops aL verdun Made commanderlnchlef of Lhe lrench armles ln 1916 and creaLed a marshal of lrance ln 1918 AfLer lrench defeaL ln World War ll became premler of unoccupled lrance 1rled and senLenced Lo deaLh ln 1943 SenLence commuLed Lo llfe lmprlsonmenL by de Caulle 27 p 63 varleLes 1heaLre des varleLes a LheaLer ln MonLmarLre devoLed chlefly Lo opereLLas and llghL comedles Several of Cffenbachs operas were performed Lhere 28 p 63 onL de Crenelle 1he brldge wlLh Lhe MeLro on lL ls noL Lhe onL de Crenelle buL Lhe nexL one ln a norLhwesLerly dlrecLlon Lhe onL de 8lrPakelm Lhen called Lhe onL de assy 29 p 66 Claude Lorraln Claude Cellee known as le Lorraln (160082) lrench landscape palnLer who spenL mosL of hls llfe ln 8ome 30 p 70 valdeCrce A former abbey converLed lnLo a mlllLary hosplLal ln 1793 31 p 74ere 8lroueLLe lrom hlrouLe a famlllar Lerm for Lhe male sex organ 32 p 73 SergeanL 8ranledore lrom branler Lo masLurbaLe 33 p 77 vaudesquln robably flcLlLlous 34 p 77 uupre LrnesL uupre (18621921) An emlnenL speclallsL ln neurology and psychlaLry 33 p 77 MargeLon robably flcLlLlous 36 p 86 uLa lrom puLe puLaln meanlng whore" 37 p 88 volreuse lrom folreux argoL for coward" 38 p 93 8ragueLon lrom bragueLLe meanlng fly (of Lrousers) 39 p 93 lleLL 1ransmogrlflcaLlon of CllleLLe 40 p 101 lremlzon lrom fremlr Lo qulver quake shake (wlLh passlon) 41 p 102 Mangln Charles Mangln (18661923) Ceneral Mangln owes hls fame largely Lo hls prowess ln Lhe llrsL World War buL he began hls career ln Afrlca and lndochlna 42 p 102 laldherbe Louls Leon Cesar laldherbe (182889) Ceneral and colonlzer 8egan hls career ln Algerla and Cuadeloupe 43 p 102 Calllenl !oseph Calllenl (18491916) Ceneral and admlnlsLraLor ulsLlngulshed career ln Lhe colonles lL was he who requlslLloned Lhe arls Laxlcabs Lo carry relnforcemenLs Lo Lhe baLLle of Lhe Marne 44 p 106 8ambolalonCono lrom bamboula meanlng roughly whoople and gonococcus" 43 p 106 8ugeaud 1homas 8oberL 8ugeaud Marquls de la lconnerle (17841849) llgured promlnenLly ln Lhe conquesL of Algerla 46 p 109 Marchand !ean8apLlsLe Marchand (18361934) Ceneral and explorer 1ook parL ln varlous expedlLlons ln WesL Afrlca ln Lhe course of an expedlLlon begun ln 1897 reached lashoda on Lhe upper nlle buL Lhe lrench governmenL ordered hlm Lo evacuaLe when 8rlLlsh Lroops arrlved under klLchener 47 p 109 ordurlere A comblnaLlon of porL meanlng seaporL and ordures meanlng garbage" 48 p 120 1ombaL A comblnaLlon of Lomber meanlng Lo fall and combaL meanlng combaL" 49 p 120 Charlerol ClLy ln 8elglum Scene of a baLLle ln 1914 endlng ln a lrench wlLhdrawal 30 p 120 verdun ClLy ln easLern lrance Scene of a long drawnouL and exLremely bloody baLLle ln whlch Lhe lrench wlLhsLood a powerful Cerman offenslve and were flnally (1917) vlcLorlous 31 p 122 Avenue lachoda See noLe on Marchand above p 109 noLe 46 A blL of a [oke Slnce lashoda represenLed a lrench humlllaLlon an Avenue lachoda ln lrance or Lhe lrench colonles was unLhlnkable 32 p 128 LleuLenanL Crappa lrom Lhe wellknown lLallan alcohollc splrlL 33 p 148 nordSud MeLro Cne of Lhe earllesL MeLro llnes crosslng arls from norLh Lo souLh Slnce unlflcaLlon of Lhe MeLro llnes known as Llne 12 34 p 134 San 1apeLa lrom LapeLLe argoL for homosexual" 33 p 136 ComblLLa lrom con Lhe female sex organ and blLe Lhe male sex organ 36 p 170 Laugh Calvln 1he reason for Lhls odd name ls LhaL Calvln Coolldge presldenL of Lhe unlLed SLaLes from 1923 Lo 1929 was never known Lo smlle much less laugh 37 p 184 Chabanals Le Chabanals on Lhe rue Chabanals was one of Lhe mosL celebraLed and luxurlous of arls broLhels 38 p 184 lnvalldes A group of bulldlngs puL up ln 1670 by Louls xlv as a home for wounded soldlers 1he Lomb of napoleon ls slLuaLed ln Lhe church of SalnLLouls des lnvalldes Lhe mosL promlnenL bulldlng ln Lhe compound 39 p 191 Coue meLhod A meLhod of selfheallng devlsed by Lmlle Coue (18371926) pharmaclsL and psychoLheraplsL very popular ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes for a Llme ?ou repeaLed Lo yourself several Llmes a day Lvery day ln every way lm geLLlng beLLer and beLLer" 60 p 204 La Carenne8ancy 1here acLually ls a La Carenne (La CarenneColumbes) ln Lhe arls suburbs noL far from where Lhls lmaglnary Lown seems Lo be 1he word garenne means rabblL warren 8ancy suggesLs rance meanlng rancld" 61 p 204 orLe 8ranclon All oLher lndlcaLlons are LhaL La Carenne8ancy was slLuaLed norLhnorLhwesL of arls 1he orLe 8ranclon ls on Lhe souLhern rlm of Lhe clLy 62 p 206 forLlflcaLlons 1hese forLlflcaLlons were bullL beLween 1841 and 1844 ln Lhe relgn of Louls hlllppe Lo proLecL arls from forelgn lnvaslon 1hey conslsLed of a clrcular wall LhlrLynlne kllomeLers long wlLh nlneLyfour basLlons used durlng Lhe slege of arls by Lhe russlans ln Lhe war of 1870 Lhey were desLroyed afLer Lhe llrsL World War 63 p 206 lorLlfled Zone roperLly le Zone MlllLalre de arls commonly referred Lo slmply as la Zone Lhe Zone 1he sLrlp of land beLween Lhe forLlflcaLlons and Lhe suburbs where for mlllLary reasons consLrucLlon was prohlblLed ln laLe popular usage Lhe more depresslng suburbs on Lhe ouLsklrLs of arls 64 p 206 Lollhouse up Lo Lhe laLe LwenLles a Lax was levled on cerLaln foodsLuffs enLerlng arls 1here were Loll sLaLlons (ocLrol) aL all Lhe clLy gaLes 63 p 209 ur lrollchon lrom follchon frollcsome 66 p 210 CagaL lrom gaga feeblemlnded 67 p 226 Lhe 1ower 1he Llffel 1ower 68 p 239 !oseph 8lodureL lnsLlLuLe 8lodureL seems Lo suggesL Lhe prolongaLlon of llfe 1he lnsLlLuLe ls clearly Lhe asLeur lnsLlLuLe 1rue Lhe asLeur lnsLlLuLe ls aL Lhe opposlLe end of arls from La vllleLLe 8uL Lhls ls [usL Cellnlan mysLlflcaLlon 1he lnsLlLuLe ls accuraLely locaLed off Lhe 8ue de vauglrard a few pages furLher on 69 p 241 !aunlsseL lrom [aunlsse [aundlce" 70 p 246 8ue de vauglrard Pere Lhe lnsLlLuLe ls correcLly slLuaLed 71 p 248 Lhe chLeau 1he Louvre whlch ls never referred Lo as a chLeau 72 p 230 CaulalncourL 8rldge lrom Lhls polnL one would look ouL over Lhe MonLmarLre cemeLery and Lhe greaL lake of nlghL 8uL only ln a dream ls one anywhere near Lhe forLlflcaLlons or Lhe suburbs 73 p 233 dlabolo A mlxLure of llmonade (flzz waLer wlLh synLheLlc lemon flavorlng) and some sorL of syrup usually mlnL or grenadlne 74 p 238 boules 8oules ls Lhe same as boccle and someLhlng llke Lhe Lngllsh bowls layed mosLly by men on provlnclal vlllage squares and ln arls parks 73 p 302 campalgn of 1816 ln 1814 and noL ln 1816 as Cellne whlmslcally says Marshal Moncey (Adrlen !eannoL de Moncey due de Conegllano) defended Lhe Cllchy 8arrler agalnsL Lhe lnvadlng Lroops of Lhe anLl napoleonlc coallLlon 1here ls a monumenL commemoraLlng Lhe evenL ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe lace Cllchy 1he lnvadlng Lroops lncluded Cossacks who were long remembered wlLh horror 76 p 303 1arapouL 1he aramounL 1heaLer 77 p 303 embereslnad A reference Lo Lhe crosslng of Lhe 8erezlna 8lver by napoleon ln 1812 ln Lhe course of hls reLreaL from Moscow More Lhan LwenLy Lhousand lrench Lroops were losL 78 p 306 orLe SalnLMarLln 1he 1heaLre de la orLe SalnLMarLln A LheaLer slLuaLed on Lhe 8oulevard SalnLMarLln Cne of Lhe holy places of Lhe 8omanLlc drama 8urned down under Lhe Commune ln 1871 8ebullL ln 1873 79 p 310 omone lrom omona goddess of frulL Lrees 80 p 311 8elshazzar 1he wlcked klng of 8abylon who saw Lhe handwrlLlng on Lhe wall (uanlel 323) 81 p 313 8ourse 1he SLock Lxchange 82 p 316 Calerles uufayel A large furnlLure sLore ln MonLmarLre 1he name was regarded as symbollc of cheap luxury 83 p 317 La perouse !eanlranols de Calaup ComLe de la erouse (174188) lrench navlgaLor uled ln Lhe course of a voyage around Lhe world probably massacred by Lhe lnhablLanLs of Lhe lsland of vanlkoro Pe dld noL have a wooden leg 1he wooden leg seems Lo have been borrowed from nelson 84 p 317 Lhe Moulln Le Moulln de CaleLLe A famous dance hall bullL ln Lhe nlneLeenLh cenLury beslde a wlndmlll socalled lmmorLallzed by 8enolrs palnLlng of lL 83 p 319 Lhe Cld 1he leadlng characLer ln Cornellles Lragedy Le Cld (1636) lnsplred by Lhe llfe of Lhe Cld Campeador an elevenLhcenLury Spanlsh hero 86 p 332 SalnLeLponlme lrom eponymLhe myLhlcal or hlsLorlcal person afLer whom a Lrlbe clLy counLry eLc ls named ln Lhls lnsLance eLc means church" 87 p 333 Madelon See above noLe Lo p 43 noLe 17 88 p 337 Cayenne CaplLal of lrench Culana a penal colony up Lo 1942 89 p 342 La 8ruyere !ean de La 8ruyere (164396) MorallsL AuLhor of Les CaracLeres a book of maxlms and porLralLs of conLemporary flgures whlch galned greaL popularlLy 90 p 363 SelneeLClse AL LhaL Llme Lhe lmmedlaLe suburbs of arls belonged Lo Lhe Selne ueparLmenL whlch ln Lurn was surrounded by a wlder belL also regarded as suburbanLhe SelneeLClse ueparLmenL 91 p 364 Lhe LxposlLlon 1he LxposlLlon unlverselle (World LxhlblLlon) held ln arls ln 1900 92 p 374 bouchon A game once especlally popular among 8eLon flshermen Colns or oLher valuables are placed on Lop of a large cork SLandlng aL some dlsLance from lL Lhe conLesLanLs Loss dlsks Lhe player who flrsL overLurns Lhe cork Lakes Lhe colns 93 p 413 Cranduuc de Malvolson 1hls ls a Lakeoff on Lhe fancy names ofLen glven Lo poorquallLy wlnes 94 p 416 Cafe Mlseux SuggesLs mlsereux meanlng seedy" A nLW ul8LC1lCnS 8CCk CopyrlghL 1934 1932 by Loulslerdlnand Cellne 1ranslaLlon copyrlghL 1983 by 8alph Manhelm All rlghLs reserved LxcepL for brlef passages quoLed ln a newspaper magazlne radlo or Lelevlslon revlew no parL of Lhls book may be reproduced ln any form or by any means elecLronlc or mechanlcal lncludlng phoLocopylng and recordlng or by any lnformaLlon sLorage and reLrleval sysLem wlLhouL permlsslon ln wrlLlng from Lhe ubllsher ManufacLured ln Lhe unlLed SLaLes of Amerlca new ulrecLlons books are prlnLed on acldfree paper 1hls LranslaLlon of voyage au 8ouL de la nulL flrsL publlshed cloLhbound and as new ulrecLlons aperbook 342 ln 1983 ubllshed slmulLaneously ln Canada by enguln 8ooks Canada LlmlLed Llbrary of Congress CaLaloglng ln ubllcaLlon uaLa Cellne Loulslerdlnand 18941961 !ourney Lo Lhe end of Lhe nlghL (A new ulrecLlons 8ook) 1ranslaLlon of voyage au bouL de la nulL l Manhelm 8alph 1907 ll 1lLle C2607L834v613 1983 843912 827970 lS8n 081120846x AAC82 lS8n 0811208478 (pbk) new ulrecLlons 8ooks are publlshed for !ames Laughlln by new ulrecLlons ubllshlng CorporaLlon 80 LlghLh Avenue new ?ork 10011 SLvLn1LLn1P 8ln1lnC 1o LllsabeLh Cralg Cur llfe ls a [ourney 1hrough wlnLer and nlghL We look for our way ln a sky wlLhouL llghL (Song of Lhe Swlss Cuards 1793) 1ravel ls useful lL exerclses Lhe lmaglnaLlon All Lhe resL ls dlsappolnLmenL and faLlgue Cur [ourney ls enLlrely lmaglnary 1haL ls lLs sLrengLh lL goes from llfe Lo deaLh eople anlmals clLles Lhlngs all are lmaglned lLs a novel [usL a flcLlLlous narraLlve LlLLre1 says so and hes never wrong And besldes ln Lhe flrsL place anyone can do as much ?ou [usL have Lo close your eyes lLs on Lhe oLher slde of llfe reface Lo 1932 Calllmard LdlLlon Pey Lheyre puLLlng !ourney on Lhe ralls agaln WhaL a feellng lL glves me A loL of Lhlngs have happened ln fourLeen years lf l werenL under so much pressure forced Lo earn my llvlng l can Lell you rlghL now ld suppress Lhe whole Lhlng l wouldnL leL a slngle llne Lhrough LveryLhlng geLs Laken Lhe wrong way lve been Lhe cause of Loo much evll !usL Lhlnk of all Lhe deaLhs Lhe haLreds around me Lhe Lreachery Lhe sewer lL adds up Lo Lhe monsLers Ch youve goL Lo be bllnd and deaf! ?oull say buL lLs noL !ourney! lLs your crlmes LhaL are kllllng you !ourney has noLhlng Lo do wlLh lL ?ou yourself have been your ruln! your 8agaLelles! your abomlnable llngo! your lmaglng clownlng vlllalny! 1he laws cluLchlng you sLrangllng you? Pell whaL are you complalnlng abouL? ?ou [erk! Ch many Lhanks! Many Lhanks! lm raglng! lumlng! anLlng! WlLh haLred! PypocrlLes! !ugheads! ?ou canL fool me! lLs for !ourney LhaL Lheyre afLer me! under Lhe ax lll bellow lL! beLween Lhem and me lLs Lo Lhe flnlsh! Lo Lhe guLs! Loo foul Lo Lalk abouL plssed wlLh MysLlque! WhaL a buslness! lf l werenL under pressure forced Lo earn my llvlng lm Lelllng you rlghL now ld suppress Lhe whole loL A homage l pald Lo [ackals! 1haLs rlghL! A free glfL A Llp l Lhrew my luck away ln 36 gave lL Lo Lhe execuLloners wlves! Lhe prosecuLors! Lhe underLakers! Cne Lwo Lhree admlrable books Lo cuL my LhroaL wlLh! And llsLen Lo my groans! l made Lhem a presenL! l was charlLable LhaLs all! 1he world of lnLenLlons amuses me used Lo amuse me noL anymore lf l werenL under such pressure such duress ld suppress Lhe whole loL especlally !ourney Cf all my books lLs Lhe only really vlclous one 1haLs rlghL 1he hearL of my senslblllLy lLll all sLarL over agaln 1he SarabbaLh!2 ?oull hear a whlsLllng from up above from far away from places wlLhouL names words orders ?oull geL an eyeful of Lhelr machlnaLlons! ?oull come and Lell me abouL lL Ch donL lmaglne LhaL lm playlng! lve sLopped playlng lve even sLopped belng amlable lf l werenL under duress as Lhough sLandlng wlLh my back Lo someLhlng ld suppress Lhe whole loL