services

post question
post reader article
discussion forum
membership
interesting links
ebooks
publications
free email
support us
search : questionsarticlesdiscussionsreader articlesbooks & ebooksthe qur'anall

advance search
overview of islam sources of islam
the qur'an islamic beliefs
morality & goodness cleansing, purification
worship social issues
political issues economic issues
propagation customs & symbols
jihaad - jihad the penal law
halaal & haraam history
muslim communities muslim sects
other religions miscellaneous issues
home > social issues > marriage > pre-marriage issues

prepare for
printing
email
this link
counter question
comment
related
information
question asked by jenny bachar from united states of america on 29-jan-2003.

title:
maintaining a girl friend - boy friend relationship

question:

i have been with my boyfriend for a long time and to "be with him" and to get
married i have to become muslim..... which i am okay with because i have learned
a lot about it and i support him with everything, but since i am "white" his
parents don't even let him talk to me and he can't have a girlfriend till
collage.... i don't know what to do? he respects me and i love him a lot but how
will i be okay with his family?

jenny bacher
usa

answer:

the qur'an says:

and among his signs is this, that he created for you mates from among yourselves,
that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put love and mercy
between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (al-room
30: 21)
matters of the heart are a difficult thing to deal with. love is a blessing from
god placed in the hearts of men and women to fulfill many special purposes. it
is obvious that in god's grand plan love is an important element. yet this
"element"
can easily be misused and its true purpose be forsaken. sometimes being
emotionally attached to someone may cloud our judgment and hinder us from first
having a good relationship with the one whom created us. having understood the
very important and serious nature of "love" in islam, let us now try to answer
your question in the light of islamic teachings.

no matter how long or short you've been with your "boyfriend" you do not have to
convert to islam. a believer in god wanting to marry a muslim has no
prerequisite of conversion. as a matter of fact i would discourage you from
taking this step towards something you have not fully grasped. with all due
respect (i say this in the kindest of tones) "learning" and "supporting" your
mate with everything is not the ideal way in choosing how to live your life, for
the rest of your life. when or if, your love fades you may find your faith
dimming as well, god forbid. i'm sure you're aware that islam is not a mere
laundry list of beliefs; actually it alters many aspects of a person's life. you
will know its time to become a muslim because god chose you and there will be no
confusion between what you feel for a person and your convictions in the
almighty and his religion of islam.

o mankind! we created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made
you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other {not that ye may
despise each other]. indeed the most honored of you in the sight of god is [he
who is] the most righteous of you. and allah has full knowledge and is well
acquainted [with all things]. (al-hujraat 49: 13)

islam detests any form of racism or racial or ethnic prejudice. islam unites
humanity, so any form of bias against one group or the other based on skin color,
race or the likes is forbidden. his parent's dislike of "white" girls is related
more closely to a personal preference and not based on any islamic doctrine.

lastly, your relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend is not considered

legitimate in islam or any other religion based on divine revelation. it is
prohibited for him, as a muslim, to have that type of relationship with you or
any other girl for that matter. this prohibition does not only extend to his
status of living at home but actually extends until he has the respect to ask
for your hand in marriage. even when he goes to college or whatever, islamically
speaking, he is not allowed to have the type of relationship you've been having.
you claim to want to become muslim yet both of you are breaking one of islam's
cardinal laws and that is not to have an inappropriate relationship with the
opposite sex (this includes but is not limited to affectionately touching one
another, lusting, holding hands, hugging, kissing, having sex etc...). you must
take this into consideration if you are truly sincere and mature adults wanting
god's blessings showered upon your future family.

i don't know his family so i can't really comment on their position but it might
be fitting for you to consider the fact that your inappropriate relationship
with their son has created a dislike for you.

as i have explained, you do not have to convert to islam. your racial or ethnic
background plays no role in religious matters, only your piety and deeds are of
importance. your relationship with him is not allowed in islam and if he wants
to teach about his religion then the first thing he must do is to bring this
relationship within the limits prescribed by islam. his parents may have
preferences i cannot comment on. whatever you decide, keep in mind that whatever
decisions, regardless of how tiny they are, you make may affect you for the rest
of your life. if you truly believe and do what is right then you may find the
truth and a love far greater than anything you've ever experienced before.

i hope i have clarified the issue.

god knows best

ronnie hassan
january 29, 2003

members
login
password
understanding islam
introduction
brief history
the team
contributing writers
top muslim sites
comments/feedback
report errors
sponsorship sought

copyright (c) 1999-2007 understanding islam, all rights reserved.