What Is My Identity?

An Exploration with the Urban Indian Youth

Aditi Ahlawat MA (final) Psychology

In the partial fulfillment of the requirement for the Degree of Master of Arts in Psychology at the Department of Psychology, University of Delhi.

- -

CERTIF ICATE

This is to certify that the project What Is My Identity?- An Exploration with the Urban Indian Yout h i s a faithf ul record of the bonafei d carried out by Aditi Ahlawat under the gui dance of Prof. GM. All the dat a presen ted in thi s stu dy is an authentic fir st hand m aterial gathered b y the investi gator during the course of her project work. No part(s) of t his project has been published or subm itted in part or full for any other diploma or degree in this or any other uni versity.

Prof. Girishwar Mi sra Supervisor

Aditi Ahlawat Investigator

Prof. Ashum Gupta H.O.D Dept. of Psychology

- -

- -

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT I want to thank my teachers and friends who helped me think about life and the world around me in a more responsible and organized manner than I did before. This dissertation stands short in so many ways, but to complete it wouldve been impossible without the support and guidance of my teacher Prof. Girishwar Misra whose critical evaluations made me connect the details of my work to the larger reality and question it in different perspectives. To Dr. Honey Oberoi whose classes made me sensitized to issues in my life that had gone unnoticed long enough. To Bhumika and Shifa (names changed) who are the closest to my heart in this journey, who made me look deeper within and saw me through all my doubts and were bold enough to talk about their thoughts to me in the best of their abilities. To my uncle Ashok Gopala who reinforced the values of honesty and sincerity in me, saw me in difficult moments and has been there for me in my hardest times. To my parents who gave me the opportunity to be the individual I am and for helping me in striving ahead in spite of disappointments and my shortcomings. This dissertation is much more than what it is even in its most primitive form, thank you for assessing and evaluating me on its basis.

Aditi Ahlawat

- -

CONTENTS

Chapters

Page No.

Abstract

Chapter 1 Introduction- What is My Identity?

2-10

Chapter 2 Method- Organizing the Quest

11-26

Chapter 3- Results- The Conversations

27-51

Chapter 4- Discussion Exploration and Resilience References

52-71

72-79

Appendix A- AIQ-IV

80

Appendix B- Interview Guide

81

- -

Abstra ct In this study, the researcher explores t he sense of identity amidst the Indian urban youth. She present s the need to explore identity amongst the youth and the m any aspect s of identit y that emerge wi th resp ect to the Indian context. With the use of qualit ative intervi ewing met hod she demonstrates the relev ance of thi s expl oration by pr esenting exampl es from the int erviews with t wo y oung wom en at the Delhi Uni versit y. The study concl udes showing the impact of exploring common them es t hat emerged t hrough analysis of the engagement wit h the t wo wom en in interviews an d how it affected the resear chers explorat ions, the

implicatio n of her work and her limitation s.

- -

Chapter 1 Introduction What is my Identity? The them e of Identity has al ways been a concern for challenging questi oning. In the recent year s, schol ars working in a remarkable array of soci al science and humaniti es disciplin es have t aken an i ntense i nterest i n the qu estions about identi ty (Fearon, 1999). A number of questions l oom large before us: What is the exact nature of what we term Identity? I s it a force meant to support the movem ent of the self ? Is it a self-im age or the one that i s assigned by oth ers? I s it a combinat ion of different perspectives? To what extent does change affect our Identity? How does internal conflict about Identity or Id entity crisi s r esolve in peopl e? This chapter explores some fundam ental perspectives and theori es of Identity; the role of Identity formation and exploration in Youth and states th e important aspect s of Ident ity with resp ect to the Indian context relevant to the present study. Contemporary issues such as glo balization, multi-ethni c textur e of soci eties, impressive technological development, increasing degree of ecologi cal i mbalances etc. ar e influ encing and changing t he way i dentiti es are being defined (Woodward, 2003). Nonetheless, identity to an

individual has always been an exi stenti al dilemma and expl oring one s true nat ure has led to diver se per spectives of positioning and vi ewing it. Since time i mmemorial i ssues on what Id entity i s, what ar e the differ ent

- -

aspect s related to Identit y have al ways held a deb ate in academi c discourses (Wood ward, 2003; Brubaker & Cooper, 2000; Fearon, 1999). From the works of Erik Erikson (1968), P eter Bl os (1962) and many more, it is appar ent that an im portant role Ident ity plays in the construction and developm ent of the individu al. Furthermore, Waterman (as cit ed by Bergh & Erling, 2005) states that ...a clear sen se of person al identit y constit utes an aspect of optimal psychological functioning. Various perspectives on identit y like the social identity theory by Tajfel and Turner (1986) or Erickson s concept of Identity Cri sis (1968); the divergent worldvi ews of peop le have f urther com plicat ed what people (and youth in particul ar) claim as identit y. Research indicates the critical task of adolescence and young adulthood is the formati on of Identit y (Erikson, 1959/1968; Kroger, 2000/1996; Santrock, 1996). In the soci ological and soci al psychology discour ses, much int erest has been shown in under standi ng the soci o-cultural dynami cs of contem porary India ranging from r eligion and caste-based i ssues to issues of

urbanizat ion, edu cation, technol ogical and ecological changes and t he impact of polit ical movements etc. (e.g. Ghosh, 2005; S en, 2005; Tripat hi, 2005; Panandikar.1999- Contemporary India Oxford Indian Paperbacks; Varma, 2005; Kakar, 1997; Ball et & Rajda, 2005; Das, 200 4). Identity has also been loo ked at as a medium of exchange between intrap sychic and external socio- cultural realm s. It becomes important t o note th at the manner in which differ ent Identiti es

- -

are under stood, throw light u pon certain aspect s of the individual that get shap ed up in t he process. E ach perspecti ve and di scour se offers an aspect that in it self adds to the under standi ng of the dominant i ssues that individual s identify and have struggl ed with in their life course or in that mom ent, so i t becomes essential to explor e indi vidual stories and case hist ories t o under stand th e full impact of this bi-directional relationship. Why Explore It? There are many different and divergen t perspectives on identity and identity formatio n. Researchers use the term Identity in different ways and context s (like the Social Ident ity Theory by Tajfel & Turner in 1986, Identity Crisi s by Erickson, 1968, Identit y Morat orium by Marci a in 1994 , Feminist Identities and role of sexuality (Person,1980) and identity explored in variou s social, cultur al, political and per son al persp ectives (Jenkins, 2004; Jones & McEwen, 2000; Kroger, 2000; Stryker & Burke, 2000). Many One of the most comprehensive and celebrat ed notio n of identity owes to the work of psycholog ist Erik Erikson in the 1950s. Erikson (1959) defined identity as "a persist ent sameness within oneself (self-sameness) and a persi stent sharing of some ki nd of essential charact er with other s" (p. 109). Identity on its own has always been sited as a paradox because it impli es a sen se of st ability amidst changi ng person al, social and hi storical cont ext (Bansal, 2005). Marcia (1994) develop ed the Id entity statu s paradigm in an effort to oper ationall y defin e

- -

and empirically investigate Ericksons construct of Identity. Religiou s and Caste Based Identities According to som e th eorist s, the notio n of identity emerg es in the course of transaction s i n the so cial environm ent. Tajfel (1978) proposed that Identity i s one of the key players in the everyday social functionin g of the people. The relationship of identity with soci ety is said to be bi-

direction al as i dentity formation takes pl ace i n the co ntext of others. In a pluralisti c cultural slitting identity i s con structed in the cont ext of other s with overlapping boundaries. This makes identity more fluid. Researches in the Indian context have shown (Reddy, 2006; Bansal 20 05, Tripathi, 2005; Sen, 2005; Mi sra, 2001; Paranjpe, 1985) us how religion, gender and cast e are significant factor s contributing to format ion of diff erent Identities. For ex ample, the Hindu Muslim conflict in t he pr esent d ay India causes heigh tened awareness of rel igious identiti es because of the tight integration of the two cultural groups in the country (Sen, 2005). Social identity theories helped expl ain prejudice, di scrimin ation and conflict s within th e Indian contex t (Sinha, 1988). The status of Muslim and Hind u identiti es are al so evolving beyond the si mple di scord and discontent both group s showed on sensit ive issues (Misra, 2004; Akbar, 1985), to more complex daily life activiti es that are aff ected by confli ct s that are intrap sychi c in nature. Bohra (1979) not ed that high cast e grou ps defined in-group in t erms of cast e membershi p more frequently t han those from low statu s cast e

- -

10

groups. The ways in which cast e system has manifested itself into the soci al milieu of m odern Indi a is beyond t he basic fourfold di visi on of the Hindu so ciety it initi ally st arted from. The Constitutio nal privileges accord ed to the schedul ed castes have resulted i n hardening of attitudes on the part of high cast e through assert ion of rights on t he constructed

socio- economi c hier archy. The ways in which all t his im pact s today s world has becom e different and ch anged influenced by the shift s in the soci ety in the past few year s. The manif estations of such changes are at a more individ ual l evel as comp ared to the collective. In urban Indi a it i s seldom difficult to decipher the boundaries b etween grou ps and

collecti ves. Therefore, t o uphold a pr e-exi sting identit y i s also mai ntained by existi ng Individu als m ore than collecti ve group (although these groups do influence thi s thinki ng). The st udy of identity i n th e Indi an society, which is consi dered as collecti vist wit h elements of individuali sm (Paranjpe, 1998; Rol and, 1988; Sinha & Tripathi, 1994; Varma, 2005) raises certai n important questions. The empirical studies of the self amidst a society that i s strat ified by categori es of gender, caste, class and rel igion (Oemmen, 1986) however, has indicated great er degr ee of relatedness, connectivity and

interdependence. (Misr a 2001; Mi sra & Gi ri, 1995) There have been several modes and p erspectives to look at the formation and confusion the notion of Identity bring s with it. The need for a utopian and univ ersal integrated Identity however, has been a chased dream for

- -

11

many.

Identity of the Indian Urban Youth Identity is an interpl ay of individual, psychological, soci al and hist orical context s and it is p aradoxi cal in thi s sense because when a per son i s asked Who are you? th e answer t ends to be different dependi ng up on the situati on and context (Bansal, 2005). The notion of What is my Identity? get s m ore complex and hidden as one takes a closer look at youth. Youth represent s a phase in life charact erized by psychol ogical

chang e implying a stage of const ant negotiation (Erickson, 1968) and the confusion and crisi s within its Id entity, becomes the dominant identity it self. In modern societi es, adolescence and youth do not constit ute a rational transitional period. Modern youth stands in a

discontinuity from the past and the fut ure, they are a group that are experiencing (and initi ating) dram atic changes (Lar son, Verm a &

Dworkin, 2003). The urban soci ety also offers its youth t he op portunities to cho ose from a wi de variety of occu pations, ideologi es and lifestyl es, thereby maki ng it difficult to find a suitabl e role and ideas int o a meaningful and unified sense of self -definition (Keniston, 1974)

Psycho anal ytic therapeuti c work has also shown t he ex periment ation i n youth wit h id eas, lifestyles, val ues and shifts in t heir world vi ews and perspectives. (Blos, 1962) Thus to arrive at a sense of Identity is a strong and important co ncern in the life of the youth.

- -

12

The Feminine Identity among the Youth Current iden tity per spect ives on society, r eligion or cultur e do not address the feminine elem ent which shapes and exi sts side by side in t he individual. The gendering of identity as an i ssue doesnt em erge often in the mainstream academic di scour ses unless focused on by feminist perspectives (Per son, 1980). Previou s researches (Chaudhari, 2004) have posited that, in the Indian context to b e a girl/ boy or to have a gendered identity onl y emerges as an issue at two major event s - birth and marriage. experiences The of b odily identity and ensuing are sexuality, only important within the

assimilati ng

identity

allowed

institutio nalized structure of marriage (for the girl). The womans autonomous indi viduat ed ident ity is not encouraged to emerge with gender and sexuality b eing relegated to the sideli nes (Rajwade, 2005). Chaudhari (2004) st ated that men are stil l not soci alised by their par ent s to be nurturing and women are not socialised to be handy around the house, women ar e expected to be t he nurturers an d men the earn ers. Traditional expectati ons of m arital life have been transformed int o cultural norms, dict ating socialisation and expectations.

- -

13

The Present Study The journey of underst anding What i s my Identity? i s a difficult an d adventurous one. There are i ssues that need to be addressed, persp ectives that n eed to be explored. But above all, what t heory has any grounding if there is no reali ty to sub stant iate it. The previous chapter threw light upon the various relevant perspectives and issues ident ity brings up. The issues begin from the infl uence of cont emporar y chang es to wards emergence of culturally sensi tive and gendered aspects of Identi ty and their influence on the Youth of Today. The I being expl ored in this research becomes the youth in general and the st ory of two young wom en to bri ng the dialogue of in particul ar. With the hel p of these partici pant s, a look into issues and concerns relat ed to Identity with respect to being a f emi nine identi ty were al so delved into. This study att empts to illustrat e how these tim es have mould ed

contempor ary Indian youth identities; al so being sensiti ve to the co ncerns of resear ch dem ands of explorin g the g endered aspect of identi ty (Kishore & Mi sra, 2005). There has been a specific tran sition i n the urban Indian youth today, a kind of youth challenging boundaries and exist ing amidst multiple and confli cting movem ent s like individuali sm, egalit ariani sm, capitali sm and the man y -ism of moderni ty and tradition. (Larson, Verm a & Dworkin, 2003) Within them are young men and women, struggling like the rest and even more so in defining What i s my Identity? There ar e

- -

14

intense implication s of Identity expl orati on with them. There is a need to remove the many layers of confusion wit hin to bring out the crisis in the open and all ow it to resolve. With this in view the present st udy aimed at the following obj ectiv es. To explore the sense(s) of What is my I dentity? To explore identit y of youth wit h respect to different aspect s of identity. To highlight Identit y conflict s and crises and throw light upo n special i nst ances that emerged from such an explor ation ( such as cast e based issues, religious and gendered sensi tivities). To explore the ways in whi ch aspect s of Identity manifest in th e lives of urban Indian youth.

- -

15

Chapter 2 Method

Organizing the Quest Everything that can be counted, does not necessaril y count. Everything that count s cannot necessarily be counted. - Albert Einstein Every research adopt s a series of st eps to pro ceed syst emati cally int o exploring the questions it posit s. In hi s/her journey, a r esearch er may meet different ob stacles and deterrent s, he/sh e may even have to change the cour se of stu dy because of such i ssu es and adopt mor e relev ant an d useful m ethods to go about addressing t he problem at hand. In such an instan ce, there ar e many methods and tools availabl e out of which a resear cher can choose whi ch best fit s and facilit ates his/her topi c and nature of enquiry. It has becom e a long- standing tradition within the mai nstream field of psych ology to accept the quantitati ve orientation as the "gol d

standard"(Valsi ner 2000a) of sci ence. There is no automati c preference t o be given either to qu antitati ve or qualit at ive method s in a wider cycle of methodology. Inst ead, all dat aqualitat ive and quantitative ali kear e sign s that repr esent complex, stru ctur ed, and fluid real ities of the psych ological pro cesses (Val siner, 2000b). Quantificat ion's em ergence as the pref erred way t o collect, process, and analyze data i s an artificial

- -

16

result of the social hi story of our discip li nes (Hornstein, 1988). Contemporary p sychology at large has lost it s abilit y to access complex, holisti c phenom ena due to its unconditi onal quantifi cation of research method s. It is a major limit ation for cont emporary psychological science, guaranteeing its un even progression si nce the beginning of the 20th century ( Val siner, 1998). Sander (1962, p.374) reminds u s of an i mportan t sent ence by Goethe, "Measurem ent and numbers in their nak edness dissolve an d ban the living spirit of obser vation." Denzin & Lincol n in 1994 (as cit ed by Reason & Heron, 2001) stat ed t hat , Any gaze is filtered throu gh the lens of language, gender, social, race and et hnicity. This has led to attempt s of researchers to repr esent th e experience of their subjects an d su ch a process led to call s for a thick descri ption of particul ar event s (Geertz, 1973) and to various

interpretive par adigm s of inquiry that have provided academi c discourses with valu able kn owled ge syst ems t hat ar e sensitive to subjectivities and experient ial account s bringing real life closer to the research about it. This is the reason I preferred qualit ati ve method in researching over quantitati ve, not becau se one is superior or better but becau se it facilitat ed the underst anding and expl oration my enquiry deserved. Medi ated and rout ed through the exp eriencing self, all knowl edge is an attempt at under standi ng the self, t he world, the unknown and

beyondyet life t eaches, there remains an inherent unknowability in th e self, which along the cour se of life is only gradually unr avel ed and

- -

17

unfolded that too in parts and never co mpletely. In effect, the Self and Other can never be fully known. Despi te this, we are forever trying to arrive at a greater completion of the self by reachi ng inclu ding or si mply touching the other within as well as th e other outsid e. Research too is one su ch process. Right from the moments of its inception to the latter stag es of interpr etation, the research process remai ns cl osely relat ed as much of the life of the researched as to the life of the researcher. Both terrified and exhilarat ed, apprehen sive and hopeful of the unforeseen respon sibiliti es as well as pl ayful chall enges the research (qu alitativ e) offers, some of us begin our sojo urn by engaging with its human dimensi ons (Vahali, 2003). Therefore, such a research has a potential t o take us int o intimate forays and inner lives of individual s living out the many vici ssit udes of their exist ence. Influenced by and believin g in such a tradition and approach to research the proced ures and process of research was followed in different phases. These phases on paper are concr ete steps and guidelines that wer e used to facilitat e and co-create the experience of resear ching with the parti cipant s involved. Contributi ons from the participants alongside the have been highlighted in the many phases, part of the creation of the m ethodol ogy i n retrospect has been the determined by the course the research t ook owin g to the act ive involvement and inferences participants drew in i ts process. They are all sight ed as following:

- -

18

Phase I The proposal for intervi ews on id entity were put up on the noti ce boards of different colleg es, acquaintances in di fferent coll ege and department s were welcomed for a one-to-one talk over coffee at the cant een abo ut the research t opic I was exploring in m y Masters. Through t his pro cedur e, different young peopl e, all most ly part of the Delhi Univer sity were informed and m ade aware of the topic of discu ssion and a li ttle excerpt o n what th e backgroun d of the resear cher and her thought s on i dentity were. This attr acted a few young people t o open a dialogue on identity t hrough an initial telephonic and t hen direct conversations that slowly took a shap e of in-depth ext ended conver sations (in-depth interviews).

Phase II Initial Participants At the beginning of the research, a broad question of Wh at it mean s to have an identity? was explored wit h 10 young people. Questions like

What is my id entity? was asked and explored to see who out of the 10 young m en and wom en were m ore int erest ed in exploring such i ssues on a greater det ail. The participant s all were students of the Delhi Univer sity bet ween the age of 18-22, 7 out of the 10 were women p ursuing different Bachelor s an d Masters courses. They were given the Aspects of Identity IV (AIQ-IV) questi onnaire ( Appendix A) and asked to rate their responses on the

- -

19

statem ent s/item s on it. The questionnaire contained 45 item s, all aski ng the parti cipant to rat e them on a scale of 1-5 on how those statement s were important t o their sense of self, 1 being the l east important and 5 being the most im portant. Rating the stat ement s in the questionnaire was met with a resist ance by many parti cipants, these st atement- they stated were equally important to them on some l evel or the other and some could not be comp ared t o each other so r ating them was poin tless. They also reported that their Identity d idnt fit t o limited choices provi ded on a piece of pap er. The summary of their responses are sited in the Appendix B and highlighted with issues they faced. The questi onnaire u sed was d eveloped by Dr. Jonathan Cheek at Well esl ey Colleg e, Massachusetts, USA call ed the Aspect s of IdentityIV

Quest ionnair e that was admini stered on 10 individual s.

The AIQ- IV Questionnaire Identity orient ations refer to t he rel ative i mportance that individuals pl ace on variou s identity attribut es or ch aract eristics when constructing their self-definiti ons ( Cheek, 1989). The developmen t of the Aspects of Identity Quest ionnair e beg an wit h the sel ection of item s from Samp son's (1978) list of i dentity char acteri stics th at were judged to represent the domain s of per sonal and social identity (Cheek & Briggs, 1981, 1982). Subseq uently, some item s were reworded, others el iminat ed, and new

- -

20

items were develop ed to improve the reli ability and content validity of the measures (Cheek, 1982 /83; Cheek & Hogan, 1981). Psychometri c analyses indicat ed th at certain it ems originall y scor ed in t he soci al identity category (e.g., "Being a part of the many generations of my family") were tending t o cluster on a third factor representin g comm unal or coll ective identity. A third scale for this domain was devel oped (Ch eek, Underwood, & Cutler, 1985) and has now been expanded (Cheek, Tropp, Chen, & Underwoo d, 1994). Neither the social nor collect ive scal es focus on intimate relation ship s with close friend s or romantic partner s, so a fourth scal e for relational identity orient ation (Being a good friend to those I really care about ) was add ed t o the AI Q-IV (Cheek, Smith, & Tropp, 2002).

Phase III Final Participants- Conversational Part ners in the Research Out of the 10 p articip ants, 2 parti cipant s agreed for detail ed int erviews t o be cond ucted alongsid e the admini stered questionnair e to take up th e questi on of What i s my Identity ? further. This also gave an o pportunit y to delve d eeper into aspects of identity an d orient ations that were i nitiall y rated on the AIQ q uestionnaire as well. Other than thi s, ther e were n ew aspect s and th emes that em erged from the open-ended and deeper descri ptions of what their and my identity were all about. The descript ion of the particip ant s is as follows:

- -

21

Bhumika was a 19 years old undergr aduate student in Psychology, studying at the Indrapr ast ha Coll ege for Women. She has keen inter est s in exploring her self, addressing i ssu es of feminism, caste and environmental and ecological concerns. She has been an active participant of her college s Dr amatics So ciety and participated i n many plays evokin g awaren ess to ward differ ent pol itical and social i ssues through the mediu m of theatre. Shifa was a 24 years old post-gradu ate st udent of Psychology, worki ng at Ramjas College as a Students Coun sell or. She is also studying at the Centre for Psycho analyti c Studies in t he Delhi Univ ersity. She has been an activi st and aware partici pant in p olit ical and soci al i ssues wit h k een interest to culturall y sensitizing academic discourses and those around her with her presence.

Phase IV An interview guide (Appendi x B) was prepared to organize th e process based on Respon sive Int erviewing model. (Rubin & Rubin, 2005) A semi-stru ctured appro ach was used, to allow t he i deas and suggestions of the conversation partner s coul d be explored. Stat ement s from the Aspects of Identity IV questionnaire were borrowed to el aborat e on different aspect s of identity that could be explored through the int erview medium. This yielded deeper and meani ngful information with respect to the topic of study. After the initi al rappor t formation and acqu ainting with

- -

22

some casual conver sation about life, int erest, hobbies, certain questions were used to give a structure to the conversations. Characteristi cs of Respon sive Int ervi ewing Model 1. Interviewing is about obt aining intervi ewees interpret ation s of their

experiences and their underst anding of t he world in which they live and work. 2. The personality, style, and belief s of the int erviewer matter.

Interviewing i s an exchange, not a one way street; the relati onship between interviewer and int erviewee is meaningful, even if temporary. Because the interviewer contributes act ively to the conver sation, he or she must be aware of hi s or her own opinions, experiences, cultural definitions and even prejudi ces. 3. Because responsive int erviews depend on a personal r elation shi p

between int erviewer and intervi ewee and becau se that rel ation ship may result in th e exchange of private inform at ion or information dangerous to the interviewee .The int erviewer incur s serious ethi cal oblig ations to protect the interviewee. 4. Interviewer s sh ould not impose their views on int erviewees. They

should ask bro ad enough questions to avoid limiting what intervi ewees can answer , listen t o what i nterviewees tell them and modify their questi ons to explor e what t hey are hearing , not what they thought befor e they began the intervi ew .

- -

23

5.

Respon sive intervi ewing design is adapt ive and flexible. Becau se

the interviewer must list en intentl y and follow up insight s and new point s during the intervi ew, the int erviewer must be able to change cour se based on what he or she learns. Intervi ewer s may need to change whom th ey plan to tal k to or wher e they plan to conduct an int erview as t hey find out more about their research questions. The AIQ-IV qu esti onnaire had its relevance in pointing out the d ifferent aspect s of Identity and identity orientations people could have. It remained a ref erence point for construct ing question s for interviewi ng. However, just rating the st atements on the questionnaire didnt yiel d relevant informati on to explore issu es r elated to Identity. So, a further exploratio n was done by asking the q uestion Why important or not important? and Why relevant or not relevant? More specific and detailed information was derived i n order to explore id entity processes and what in dividuals identify with amon gst the dim ensions charted out. Additional qu estio ns relevant t o the info rmation obt ained were asked t o facilitat e the int erviews. In thi s manner r esearch becam e very i nteresting and active and the i nterviews very close to life-experiences owing to the qualitative tradition because it allowed m e to st art with a set of qu esti ons but did not force me to stay with them t hroughout our research work. It was liberating t o explor e different dom ains and dev elop questions that were co-cr eated i n conv ersati ons with th e participants. I st arted with th e aim of discov ering what is my identity that I posited in front of young

- -

24

men and women onl y to find myself in a dialect experi ence with 2 other young women exploring cri ses and confli cts in life and in their identity. The measure used for thi s research was i n-depth qualitative intervi ewing, where int erview is seen as an all iance between researcher and research participants and apart from the themes that the researcher is looki ng for new id eas are allowed to emerge throu gh the pro cess of conversation and sharing of exp eriences.

Subjectivity and Being Objective Brockman in 1977 states (as cited by Reason & Heron, 2006) The word objectiv e becomes, of cour se, quit e quietly obsolete; and th e wor d subjective whi ch normally confines you within your skin, disappears as wellthe world is no longer out ther e in quite the way it used to beThere i s a combining or marriage between an objectivity that i s passive to the out side world an d a creative subjecti vity, neither pure solip sism nor it s oppo site Somewhere between these two is a region where yo u are party blown by the winds of reality and partl y an artist creating a composite out of inner and out er events. This en tire proj ect is a pro cess that is faci litated by a reflexive turn in the resear cher- an ability to l ook i nwardly ( as well) and make u se of on es subjectivity. For as in any other form of interaction, in research too, the process of meaning making i s arrived, o n the one hand by an emphat ic immersion into th e subjective experi ence of the participant, and on the

- -

25

other by a di scipli ned exploration of what he/ she provokes in the resear chers su bject ivity. Thu s, meani ngs are frequ ently embedded i n the intermediary space wh ere the t wo su bjecti vities- th at of the researcher and resear ched meet. (Vahali, 2003)

Phase V Transcription s and Reflexive Notes In this phase after the collection of data over four to five meeting s and a follow-up (ongoing) wi th the research participant s the int erview mat erial was transcribed. Transcripti ons ar e useful because they offer a more accurat e record of the interview than memory alone. The reviewing and re-reading of these tran script s were useful in providing accur ate account s and information as delivered by the conversational partner s. Reflexive not es from the resear chers alo ngside the int erview transcript s were hel pful in rel ating and making sen se of the direction and co- creation of the ex perien ces felt by the partici pant s and that of the r esearch er. The information sh ared in these conver sations thus becam e as shared realit y for both the participants and the research er.

Phase VI Interpretation and Evaluation This phase con si sted of interpret ation of individual script s and reflexive notes. Thi s inv olved identifyi ng the type and dir ection of the narratives.

- -

26

The contradicti ons, issues and asp ect s that came up in the conver sations were given a cl oser look to arrive at certain core and prominent themes. Narrative Anal ysi s and Grounded Theory Analysis was used in evaluatin g and expl aining these th emes on the basi s of availabl e literat ure and to give shape new ideas and further explor ati ons for the future.

Narrativ e Analysis (Rei ssman, 1993) It is perhaps the sign of our times that i nvesti gator s are questioning how to represent life in scientifi c work. Qual itative researchers often seek to depict other s experiences but act as if representation i s not a problem. Feminist s for examp le, emphasize giving voice to previ ousl y silenced groups of women by describi ng the diversity of their experiences. Narrative anal ysi s shar es t he g oal but although it cannot gi ve voice, i t helps us hear voices th at we record and interpr et. Representati onal deci sion s cannot be avoid ed; th ey enter at numerous po ints in the research process an d qualitat ive analy sts including feminist s much confront them. Narratives help u s in doing so.

Representation of Experi ence As researchers we do not have direct access to anothers experien ce. We deal with ambiguous represent ations of it- talk, text, int eracti on, and interpr etation. It i s not possibl e to be neutral and objective, to merely represent (As opposed to interpret) the world.

- -

27

Attending to the Experi ence The researcher att ends and makes discret e certain features in the stream of con sciousness- reflecti ng, remembering, recollecting them into observations. She scans and isol ates cert ain images, which are known in a given experi ence b y cert ain words. Ther e i s choice in what she n otices, a select ion from t he t otality of the unreflected on, the primary experience. She actively re-const ructs the experien ce through thi s first level of representat ion, to herself by thinking. Telling about Experi ence Next comes t he telling, the performance of a person al narrativ e. There is a subsequ ent sh aring of the story. The resear cher re-present s the event s, already ordered and alt ered to som e degree, to ot hers i n a conver sation, with all th e opportunities and constr aints a form of discour se entail s. Although the story may have content on it s own by the one who wrot e it, the researcher r elates to it as one insi de the experience, enactin g it in a discussion. The account s felt in the story take form of a narrative ab out what was experienced: She descri bes what she felt while reading t he story, what parts evoked a certain em otion in her, what she rel ated to, what were important things she noti ced and m aybe al so tellin g by NOT telling what sh e left out. This rendering draws on the resour ces of the researchers cont ext, the moment may even urge her to say more about particul ar aspect s of story, its discussion m ay refashion the event s in response to their cues, and t o make the importance of a scenari o real for everyone, expand on what the moment m eans in the larg er context of her life and the life of the stor y

- -

28

discussed. By t alking and li steni ng, the group produ ces a narrative together. In the t elling, t here i s an i nevit able gap between the experi ence as she lives and any communication about it. Caught in th e prison house of languag e in the words of Ni etzsche ther e is no way to break thro ugh to the ideas to whi ch her word s refer because language is uncom municative of anything other than i tself. Yet without words, the sound s, movem ent s, and images conj ured, the exp erience ceases to exi st. Language m akes them real. Mean ing also shifts in other ways because it i s construct ed at thi s second level of represent ation in a process of int eraction. The story i s being t old to the r esearcher and she i s t elling it t o other s, it might have t aken a different form if someone el se were the li stener. Tran scribin g Experience Transcribi ng, the third level of interpret ation, is al so in complet e, partial and selective, one can r ecord opi nions and views of peopl e through it, using t ape recorders, written speech whichever desired. Analyzing Experience In order to anal yze the story, resear ch uses a narrative framework that serves as a screen through which the story may be exami ned. This, al so more importantly, becomes a way for a learner to critically r eflect on earlier or current per spectives in order to construct or reconstruct mean ing in one' s life world.

- -

29

Reading or Re- reading to make sen se of the Experien ce coll ectively The sense of th e narrat ive m ay be organi zed and underst ood accordi ng to the conventions of literary study. In this approach to narrative anal ysi s, the author may tell the story as a tragedy and describe self as a tragic her o or heroine, or as a m yth, with self described as a mythic survivor or victim. In this analyti cal approach t here are only so many stories; an d most narrat ions can be categori zed through the use of cultural traditions, archetypes and myth s. The search for a "universal plot" l eads the analyst to consider the "temporal experiences" - the past, present, and future - of the narratives.

Grounded Theory Analy si s (Glaser & Strauss, 1995) The grounded theory approach r eject s usi ng literatur e to generat e themes and concept s or r elation ship s between them. Al so because ground ed theory is about theory building rather than theory testing, it i s less focused on finding the limitations of a study or the ext ent to which the result s can be g eneralized. Al l the cases or sites in the st udy are used to modify the themes and emerging theory, leaving none left over in which the theory can be tested. A grounded theory stud y is compl ete when new cases produce no change in the th emes or hypotheses.

- -

30

Phase VII At the end of t he data analy si s, major t hemes were worked out, concepts and issues were ev aluat ed and cl arified. An overarchi ng description of the resear ch findings was put together. Results were tho ught of in entiret y and a report was organized so that the argument moved from idea to idea in a logical way.

- -

31

Chapter 3 Result s Intervi ews The border s between all these aspect s of Identity explored ar e not al ways clear and well d efined; one often blurs i nto the other, adding a sense of fluidity, chang e, conflict, and acceptance. It requires explorati on and engag ement t hat sensitively delves into t he compl exity t hat Identity it self is. For these r eason, the m ethod of interviewing was very rel evant an d sensitive, gi ven that it dimin ished my fears of giving ov er control t o another (in thi s case, insi sting that the participant l ead the way) and that dealt wi th and sometim es appear ed even to encourage ambiguity, uncertainty, and co ntradict ions. The researcher did not aim to control what happened d uring the intervi ew pr ocess or to devise a neat and perfect package that woul d result in an absol ute reproducibl e model. By not direct ing the n arratives complet ely in any way (learni ng not to interrupt the conversation during t he narrative), the researcher let the conver sation partner know that it i s legit i mate to b e ambi guous and to not feel the need t o place cl ear bord ers around his or her life story, and t hat he or she can go with the flow. Thi s flow might be strai ghtforward and linear or more fluid and ful l of surpri ses, with stori es that are not always congruent with one anotherbut all of this i s okay, given that thi s interview process, in these fragment s are an explorati on of identity.

- -

32

Name Bhumik a Age 20 year s Educational Qualifications B.A. (Honours) Psychology

Q. Tell me a bit about your ba ckgrou nd and interests in lif e? Ho w would you describe yourself? My self and my int erest s in lifeas i n just in terms of my int erest s. Listening to stories, things about peopl e; knowi ng about peopl e; that explains my int erest in psychol ogy and i nterest i n humanities. The world in general- nature, peopl e, society; my family; my friends. Ab out myself, I would say I am a sort of person who i s pretty hon est, Idont jump to conclu sions. I prefer when peopl e tell me what they think r ather than having me guess about stuff. I like hav ing relationship, I think I have some very good relationships. Self-description- Pat ient, I care about people I am in interact ion wit h; I go more by reaso n th an emotions. (that is not to say I dont feel emoti ons, but that when I have to act I go more reason. I am independent- I dont like being d ependent on people for each and everyt hing. I wont call myself VERY friendly. I am not gregariousI am thir sty for attenti on or soci alite.

- -

33

Q. What do you think your identity is? It is what I am at the moment, what I think I am and what I want to be.

Q. Do you think qu estioning your identity is a rel evant con cern in your life? Yes, it will always be, if my identity is what I am and what I doit i s important to question becausewhen you are doing som ething, you ar e about to do somethi ng, you need to know why? What you start to do, is an exten sion of wh at y ou are and t hat i s your id entity so you need t o const antly question it. Q. What do you think an identity crisi s i s? Have you exp erien ced an identity crisi s ever? If so then what would describ e it as? An identit y cri sis i s it could be any di sparity bet ween what you tho ught you wer e and it i s not con si stent with what other s thi nk of you, the crisi s would be that realizati on that you arent really what you think you are. There is an ideal you aspire for, and you feel like you cant achi eve it so you cannot b e that so you have an identity crisis. No I havent experi enced an identity cri sis in my life; I speak of identity crisi s from the experience of friends who feel frustrated about who they are; what they are going to be; how they are? What you think aboutit i s not such an id entity crisism ore of a feeling that you ar e not ready to deal with your surroundings.

- -

34

Identity Crisi s- Crisi s i s an experience of helpl essnessnot being able t o do anything about a situation or circum stance.

Q. What do you think your identity is? a. Can you describ e it? b. Can you define it for me? c. What do you think are the most i mportant asp ects of you r identity? Answer- The way I define myself, what I am right now, I am a student I am trying to figure out and under stan d and like to know why thing s work and make th em better for people around. Definition of id entity- The ideas, concept s, word s a per son uses t o descri be what h e or she i s and what he or she aspires to be. Q. What do you think is the difference between identifying wit h something and having an identity? When you know something about your self and you see that in another person/ thing you identify with them. Identity- knowing what is in you i s identit y. Freudian sense- Freu d defi ned i dentification as y ou cathect your libid o on one person and in order to get approval from the per son you pl ease them.

- -

35

Q. Do you think your identity remains t he same no matter what? If so then can you please describe how? No I dontwhy not? Because if I am aspiring toward s so mething it keeps changi ng if you are making progress or regress.

. Q. Do you think your age i s a specific period for any chan ges in you r Identity? a. If so what are you r thoughts about such a phase? b. Do you think identity crisi s i s a specific experience to the youth? c. What do you think youth identity crisis means? Answer. As per the experi ences and feedback from your environment, they say it isb ut experience more than age specific that you feel changes in identity, physiology of a young person mi ght play a part but not so much. Life experiences- that make you feel that you have constructi ve changes in identity. I guess when I st arted perceivi ng my parents interact with each other, with me, ot hers interact wit h me, when school st arted, when peopl e out family started inter acting- friend s, when we f ace aut hority which didnt trust me (teachers when they dont trust children in school).

- -

36

When parent s start ed gi ving m e mor e fr eedom, mostly have to do with people, when I got more responsibility. My friendshi ps became deeper, conver sations about different things in life. People when they arent in cont act with you, in other countries wh en you think about their experiences, other peopl e. Different interacti ons.

Q. I will stat e some statements to you and you tell me thei r relevan ce to you with respect to your sense of id entity? (With ref eren ce to the items on AIQ-IV) How much of these do you think def ine/describe o r make-up your identity and why ? Feel free to say anything you want on these issues: a. Things I own b. Personal valu es and moral standard s c. Popularity d. Being part of the many generation s in my family e. Dream s & Imagination f. React to what others say or do g. Race or Ethnic Backg round h. Hopes for the Future i. Physical Appearance j. My Generation k. Gestures & Manneri sm s

- -

37

l. Fears & Anxieties m. Your Sex- Male or Femal e n. Religion o. Social behavio r p. Feeling of Being unique q. Relationship s r. Social Class s. Change t. Athletic Activities u. Occupational Choi ces v. Commitment on Political issues w. Language x. Sexual Orientation

Things I own- my possession s I dont think one can sum up all the possessions under one category so I will stat e different t hing s in my life as having different m eanings t o me... Clothes- If I dress for comfort; I dont put much into it, its not because it is an aspect of who I am. Its not that important. Book s an d Novels- They are quiet import ant to m e, they help dev elop t he thinking I have. My Camer a- lately i t has n ot b een a big part of m e but ther e have been

- -

38

times when I used it to express myself. ..that made it an asp ect of my identity.

Personal Values and Moral Standard s It is very important to the sense of who I am or my identity Perhap s because yo ur question was framed as su ch. Self if mediat ory between my own valu es and t he society so my personal values ar e al so a representation of the soci al environm ent I was brought up in.

Popularity with other people. I would rat e thi s bet ween 2 and 3 because you cannot really kno w what you real ly ar e wit hout your soci al envir onment. I also know th at people have th eir own bi ases so it s not al ways a r eliable way to j udge yourself by the level of popularit y I have wi th other s. If people had amazi ng skills of communication thi s would be a perfect 5. But Popularity i n terms of soci al feedback Is important to the sense of who I am.

Being Part of Many Generations of my family I would say t hat thi s i s somewhat important...maybe even VE RY important because belo nging to the sect i n the soci ety th at I bel ong to has also d etermin ed the circum stances I was born into and mad e me who I am...the societ y ensures that cert ain peopl e live in a cert ain way and get a certain am ount of resources...getting m ore specific withi n our soci ety

- -

39

with the cast e syst em pr evailing...People who belong to a higher cast e have had a bett er life. Peopl e who dont have to deal with discriminatio n or set backs or perhaps I woul dnt have turned out the way I have becau se I got to think more about these i ssues since they were affecting me so strongly. Being from a sch edul e caste and not taking a reservation in college or schoo l has done me som e good but al so has influenced my identity a whole lot. It is NOT very im portant for me because I never experien ced the Education al Backward ness or Pover ty being a middle class urban individual an d therefore I have not shar ed any of the attributes of my Sched ule caste group but I val ue the struggl e and t hings that

generations befor e me went throug h. If things hadnt changed, but things have changed and so it makes it important for m e to hav e my identity in t he way I thi nk about my famili al background. You cannot complet ely i sol ate one thing from the other. One of my friend, his family is a high caste however they are not very economi cally stabl e family. They are however, VERY educated and their ideology i s different-- Marxi st/Communi st.

Emotions and Feelings I think it is a hu ge part of you and t hat it i s not devoid of reason...I dont look at emotion and reason as op posite poles.

- -

40

Reputation I am not concerned about m y reputati on. But I am committ ed towards doing thing s that I n eed so I can survive in the world current ly, that way reputation mat ters.

Places wh ere I have lived and where I was rai sed: May be it gave us a ni ce pl ayground o r park that was close by. Other than that it didnt make much difference where we were raised.

Attractive to other peopl e My reasons to be attract ed to peopl e would reflects myself. Belongi ng to my age gro up- As you grow old you m ature and you across different aspect s of your life you woul d i n that age so no bei ng part of m y generation doesnt really have that much of a significance to my sense of self.

The way you deal with fears and anxieti es I try t o und erst and why I have th at fear or anxiety. I have f ear of lizards and I still have not My Sex: Female In the ki nd of soci ety Im in it m atter s a lot, its not just b eing sex it s Gender. Im in a girl s college it s a r eservation so yes being a girl matt ers a lot to me. Also fem inism (not t o b e taken as reb ellion) but as a under stood why it i s.

- -

41

movement to bring about awar eness towards what it is to be th e woman gender is significant in my life.

Social Beha viorIt is very important because you cannot be your self wit h a soci al environment, wh at I say or do has a signif icant role in who I am.

Dream s and Imagination What k ind of dreams are you t alking ab out? Ambiti on? I have amb ition but my im agination i s a very sm all aspect of who I am, I mean I can imagine if a guy com es into your room with a gun that would determine who I am th e way I l ook at t hings but o ther than th at I dont thi nk the sense of imagini ng has much to do with who you are.

Race or Ethni c BackgroundWhy? Becau se it i s important to the sense of your soci al and cultural background and I am trying to know m ore about it; how that makes me different from say a chinese person or an American person but Im less affected by it b ecause my b asi c inner self isnt different from ot hers I think so Im less affected by it. My race and ethni c background only places m e in a cont ext. For exam ple; I have had to deal with problem of cast e since it is a strong part of my soci et y as an indian.

- -

42

Hope for the future and goals. Additional question: What are you r hopes for the future? I am going to l earn more about how thi ngs work in the world, by world I mean everythin g in my environment, so it is a huge part of who I am.

Physical Appearance- Height, Weight, Shape of your body. Sometimes peopl e thi nk because Im so smal l Im weak. But it doesnt make my identit y.

Religion- I dont have a reli gion. Additional question: What do you think religion is? Reli gion is a very serious something; belief in a superpower...reason i s fear, some peop le disguise it, nothing bad will happen if I believe in god. I will go to heaven. For some peo ple its l ike a belief in miracl es.

Relationship with people- where it being an aspect of my identity is concern ed...different relationships have varied effect s on people s

identity. It is varied for varied people.

Self Knowledg e- Of course very important, also since it begin s wit h self it al so for ces me to say very important...how can one t alk abou t their identity without con sidering self-knowledge import ant.

- -

43

Commitment to a Romantic Relation shi p- It is a confusi ng statem ent, feedback in relationships gives me a sense of who I am. It is not like I take thing s as a given from ext ernal relationships but it helps m e get closer to myself. Also in a rom antic rel at ionship, the f act that I like that kind of a person speaks a lot about my what my identity is. Spiritual Beli efs- I think it i s not applicabl e to me, I do not feel connected t o anything higher t han m e. I cannot understand it or it s relevance to me.

My Sexual Ori entation- It doesnt affect my i dentity directly ho wever, if you were to think about homosexual it y then being a lesbian or being away from the norm (deviati ng from heter osexuality) can have its impact upon identity v ery strongly.

Q. What would you like to say in a conclusion What your identity is? and do you think thi s exploration has b rought you any closer to defining a sense of it? I dont think it h as changedit has to depend on how it chang es m y interaction with peopl e. For me, a per sons i dentity i s the word s, ideas, trait s, etc. that she uses to describe her self as she i s at the moment as well as what she aspires t o be. It is your self-percepti ons and aspir ations. And these are aspects of herself that she uses to deal with the world. I think it includes only that

- -

44

part of a p erson that sh e is aware of or has given thought too. For example, if she doesnt think that the food she eats defines her in any way then it is not part of her identity. If she thinks that the kind of food she eats (h ealthy/ unhealthy, Indian/Italian) then it is a part of her personality. A perso n might consider some aspect s of her identity more import ant than others probably based on what aspect of her identity is more operant i n her life, what she uses more. There are, of course, som e aspect s that are important to all like gender. We all have to deal with i ssues of gender. But of cour se that i s a soci al construct and subj ect to change as soci ety chang es. Experience i s an imp ortant f actor as experiences cause the developm ent of those aspect s and make t hem salient to self-perception. If they were to remai n latent forever, they wouldnt be part of identity.

- -

45

Name Shifa Haq Age 23 years Educational Qualification MA (Psychology) Tell me a bit about y our ba ckground and interests in life? How woul d you describe yourself? I like exist ential lit erature, I am well readI am almost well read i n psych oanalytic t hought, I am deeply m oved by Undergrou nd music. My

identity is v ery much situated in my peers. I have a lot of activism in m e and min ority i ssues affect m eI have worked and volunteered in m any movem ents. From my interest in people and under standi ng what th ey are all ab out I have been working with i ssues clo se t o me. I am a student counselor at Ram Jas Coll ege.

Q. What do you think your identity is? I have come to und erst and it as, I am a Musl im woman and I am a liberal Musl im woman and then I think I am a Muslim woman who is secul ar.

Q. Do you think qu estioning your identity is a rel evant con cern in your life? What do y ou think an i dentity crisis i s? Ha ve you experi enced an identity cri si s ever? If so then what would describe it as? My identity cri si s has been a confli ct bet ween who I really am and what others (family, parents and soci ety) have told me to be. There is always

- -

46

that g ap and difference and the ambi guit y in between. Yes, thi s crisi s i s my struggle.

What do you think are the most important aspect s of your identity? Answer- The way I define myself, what I am right now, I am a woman, I am a Muslim woman I am trying to figur e out and under stand and like to know why things work and make them bet ter for people around. The most importan t aspect of my identity is the liberal woman in me that takes pride in its liberal moment s.

Q. What do you think is the difference between identifying wit h something and having an identity?

Q. Do you think your identity remains t he same no matter what? If so then can you please describe how? Yes essentiall y it remains the same, that of a person but the Muslim in it , the woman in it, the therapi st in it often change, according the need and pressures, the questions and the excit ement and tragedy th at surrounds i t chang e it.

I will state some statements to you and you tell me thei r rel evance to you with respect to you r sense of identity? (With referen ce to the items on AIQ-IV)

- -

47

How much of these do you think def ine/describe o r make-up your identity and why? Feel free to say anything you want on these issues: a. Things I own b. Personal valu es and moral standard s c. Popularity d. Being part of the many generation s in my family e. Dream s & Imagination f. React to what others say or do g. Race or Ethnic Backg round h. Hopes for the Future i. Physical Appearance j. My Generation k. Gestures & Manneri sm s l. Fears & Anxieties m. Your Sex- Male or Femal e n. Religion o. Social behavio r p. Feeling of Being unique q. Relationship s r. Social Class s. Change t. Athletic Activities

- -

48

u. Occupational Choi ces v. Commitment on Political issues w. Language x. Sexual Orientation

Th i n gs I ownWhat do you th i n k you own? I o wn no t hing, at leas t no t hing in the p h y sical sense and moreover, I don t consider p h y sical things around me as p ar t of m y identi t y. M y M o bile Phone is a means t o per sonal acces s t hat connect s me to o t her s, i t doesn t have much to do wi t h m y identi t y or make me who I am.

Persona l val u e s and moral standards-I a no t ever guilt y of an y t hing Ive done. I keep dark moment s along wi t h t he ha p p y ones, and I am extremel y self-cri tical (genuinel y ). I feel at times t hat I t cannot be good if it is me. You have to be reall y close t o me for me to admit t hat I am self critical and moral s tandards are set m y me not m y parent s (or societ y) . So in the sense t he y become ver y im por tant t o t he sense of who I am bu t t he y are evaluated and set b y me not t he set moral s tandards.

Popu lari ty- I have been po p ular and i t has made an im pact on m y iden ti t y in making me the wa y I am. Peo p le are im por tan t t o me and being

- -

49

p o p ular hel ped i t, i t i s one t hing that has gone right in life on i t s own. Al t ho ugh, I wouldn t want t o be the one killing harmon y in a place for the sake of po p ularit y.

B e i n g part of th e man y g en erat i on s i n my fam i l y M y fat her had 3 si s ter s and famil y hasn t been cohesive. M om s famil y t o o wasn t so close while growing up. Lineage is no t t hat m y t hological something for me, jus t t he kind of societ y we are from, I don t belong to a higher order wi t hin Islam ei ther. M y p arent s were not arist ocratic. I don t have that arrogance of heritage. So i t isn t reall y t hat im p or tan t an as p ect of m y identi t y.

Dr eam s & Imag i n at i on - I am no thing wi t hout t hem, t hat i s something t ha t reall y makes us different from each ot her.

Race or

Ethn ic Backgro u nd- Race & ethnicit y has been a kernel of

t rauma, being cons tan tl y in exile. Don t forget t hat y ou are a Mu slim, from the societ y ( Bo t h M u slims and non-M u slims).

Hopes f or th e Fut ur e- I don t have an y ros y- t inted dreams and ho p e means a lo t of hard work. I t hink m y iden ti t y in t hat wa y i s a s t ruggle, y o u jus t know y ou are going but where it is sometime difficul t t o - 50

determine and I don t like to romantici ze i t ei ther b y calling m y self Pro metheus.

Phy s ica l Appearance- I had a phantas y once that what if I burned m y face. Or t hat do m y breas t s re present beau t y and fer tili t y and if I had breas t cancer would I be the same? How would o t hers react if I los t t hem or had a disfigured face.

G en erat i on- I am sometimes ver y p r o ud of m y generation because of t he activism that lies in us, when I see t hem I feel that I have found m y o wn pocket ha p p il y embedded wi thin t he whole, but when I see skim pil y dressed women and lates t t rends t hat are in t he mains t ream it saddens me as t o what we are moving towards and how t he y ou t h i s being disillusioned through such wa y s.

G est ure s & Man n er i sm s- T hi s is a ver y behaviorist wa y of sa y ing something, such a po pular thing to no t ice bu t i t is mo s tl y a p ar t of p er so nal grooming doesn t have much t o do wi t h a per son s iden ti t y . I t s a p u t off concep t brought u p b y self hel p books.

Fears & Anx i et i e s-

We are driven by our fears and anxieties. T he

Liberal Woman in me is scared of m y anxieties and fears of no t becoming - 51

an y t hing. Being a Mu slim. Womanhood becoming into a minorit y cul t ural sabo tage.

Your S ex- Mal e or F em al e- Gender- sometimes I don t like being a woman because I am seeking fearlessness and risk y behavior and un-good girl like behavior. But I also love women, I love the si s terhood we all share and I don t ex perience that conflict wi t hin m y self when I see a woman which I feel when seeing a man. I feel harmony wi t h women and no env y. You are who yo u are, i t jus t never had a direct connection s.

Rel i g i o n - I am not a religious per son , bu t i t i s m y identi t y t o be a M u slim. Onl y M u slim. Lifes longest decision s remind me of m y religion. Whether i t i s what livelihood, what job, which place t o s t a y who t o talk t o , who t o meet and what friends t o have and what romantic relationshi p s t o get involved in. Nobod y i s in a Jihad agains t Communalism in thi s coun tr y and I wo uld love t o meet a man who would onl y marr y a Mu slim woman.

Fe e l i n g of B e i n g u n iqu e- Rarel y, even in areas I am unique I feel dep o si ted on t he banks rather t han crediti ng i t t o m y self and so I don t kno w how much of it i s m y iden ti t y.

- -

52

Rel at i o n sh ip s- I t makes a lot of m y iden ti t y , t he kind of per so n yo u are and the kind of peo ple around y ou det ermines who you are and your iden ti t y . Peo ple who are pivo tal their o p inions mat ter bu t no t because i t is right or wrong.

S o ci a l C l a s s- I t is a big thing to go agains t classicis t regime bu t I had t he privilege t o and I don t s t ruggle as famil y & mone y i s onl y t o t hink abou t con scious actions t here is none to s p l urge so whatever. I d on t know where m y communi t y i s, I cannot feel for something tha t doesn t exist for me. I am on t he borders/ fringes. Also talking abou t p oli tics in our social milieu- When a circums tance/ crisi s arises y our p oli tical inclination s can reall y tell a lot abou t your identi t y. When you have to take a seriou s s tand i t can tell volumes abou t yo u.

Ch a n g e- No i t is no t a par t of m y identi t y, I res p on d violentl y t o changes ou t side. Being a good per son and a good friend is a big deal to me. I am a commit ted social lesbian and I feel pride in m y coun t r y t ill something like God hra ha p pens t o i t.

O ccupat ion a l Ch o ic e s- I t tells your capaci t y for growt h bu t no t in t erms of ho w much money yo u make. M one y i s not y our identi t y bu t what you do defini tel y is. - 53

Langua g e- I t hink language is a big par t of m y iden ti t y . I t has also been a source of trauma, cul turall y. Al so amongst M u slims, girls were taugh t Hindi and bo y s were taught Urdu because Urdu was a higher language and the language of the cour t so what would girls do learning Urdu?

S e x u a l Or i e n tat i on- I t hink t hat sexual orientation is a big par t of m y iden ti t y because I am no t obligated b y t he heterosexual norms forced on me b y t he societ y. Al so I look at bot h men and women differen tl y ( sexuall y s peaking) so yes I consider it a st rong as pect of m y iden ti t y . Besides i t i s im p or tan t t o highlight our own s t ruggles agains t t wi s t ed t ool s of pa t riarch y and what sexuali t y i s really abou t . Being a social lesbian enjo ying close bonds wi t h same sex individuals has come easil y because i t was eas y access t oo, how much does t hat con t ribute t o m y identi t y... a LOT.

- -

54

From the Researchers Notebook- Reflections

Name- Aditi Ahl awat There have b een so many ways people have defined wh at their identities are. What i s my id entity? It is m any things, d epending upon my circumst ances, my upbringi ng and what I have given prioriti es to in my lifeI am not religious, I am not an atheistI bel ieve strongly in movement s t hat li berate oppressed peopl e. My hi story i s only 22 years old but it i s r elated to cent uries of the hi story of the land I b elong to. I feel a sense of belon ging and ali enatio n both. Society tod ay i s fragm ent s, when we tal k about iden tity are we sensitive to these fragment s? Researchers have spoken about dalit s and high cast es, Musl ims and Hin dus why hasnt any one voiced tho se on the fringes? Those who dont know wh at to conform to? Those who d ont fit in the out-group or the in-group? Women ar e oppressed prim arily through control of their sexualit y, it becomes th e biggest tool of control for patriarchy. In the news, they said that the ratio of women to m en in the city of Delhi is 80 2:1000! There are people doin g work on it, but why is this t hinking still prevalen t more than why, if it is then why i snt our education syst em and col leges and schools talking about them, m aking us actively aware in t hese i ssues. Femal e infanticide and foetici de i s as goo d as murder and war and deserv es attention and to pl aced in mainstream literatures if this is the

- -

55

situati onthi s has an effect on the identity of women i n the co untry. Moreover, the relationship women shar e with their parents, at l east one can speak of young women in the urban families who can speak to their parent s openly, what about their st atus, their relationship dynami cs wit hin and outside their famil ies. To be able to openly ex press oneself is a privilege still, why so? I snt it a freedom and right of every human bei ng? The contradiction of modernity for young women has become that we are made to believe th at we are equal even when the surroundings and society shout at us differently, what in our parents change when som ething b ad happen s? Why do es the societ y ostracize the victim in a rape? Why do fathers go dist ant t o girl s as they g row older ? Are these nat ural phenomenon or ar e they socially and cult urally medi ated? And if t hey are the how so an d how can they be changed? Because it affects my identit y and my exi stence as a woman? I feel privi leged at tim es and feel t he curse of being a woman. If I was a boy life would be different. There ar e many reason s out th erewhich ones are the Right ones and which on es are mine? With these thought s in my mind I approached the parti cipants already carrying a bag gage to unload, in the process of conver sation these young women rev eal ed themselves to me and we coul d reach some

underst anding.

- -

56

Chapter 4 Discu ssion Exploration & Resilien ce The aim of the study was to un derst and t he various themes that pr evail i n the exploration of their identity with t he Indian urban youth. In this exploratio n different aspect s emerged and took the parti cipant s as well as the researcher into a journey of confli cts and resolutions th at shaped their identities to what it is today. These narrati ves give insight into experi ences of two young wom en who have made an att empt to describe them selves and their identities in their narratives. Respectin g their experiences and situat ions in life, the resear cher then explored her way with t hem into defining What i s My identity? These experiences may or may not represent an entir e generations vi ews or every yout h of tod ay, but the them es that em erged have directly or indirectly influenced and sensitized us to i ssues that prevail in the socio-cul tural world. Lifton in The Protean Self said that, Our human thinkin g consist s of a continual creation an d re-creation of images and formsOur

symboli zation of self focuses on our own narratives, a lif e story that i s const antly re-created. The analysis of the narratives by the participant s are em bedd ed in the everyday reality the participant s and t he researcher experienced, its

- -

57

personal, social an d cultural nuan ces can be sensed through account s and also vali dated by many before them who spoke of similar them es in life. It is not po ssi ble t o be neutr al in such an interpr etation or analysis of experiences, my react ions and reflections have emerged and colored the way I looked at the account s and represented them into t he stories the participants told m e. However, there is an effort to t ake t his subj ectivity and enm esh it with the im aginary world of literature, the stories of the conver sation al partner s, theory and reflections from within from where a few themes were extr acted and they are discussed in this chapt er.

The

connection

between

the

accou nts

of

the

participant

and

constru ction of identity When a researcher asks a p articipant to relate hi s or her account s, the process of telling the story and it s outco me (the complet ed int erview) i s a re-construction of their life in fragm ent s and an attempt to bi nd those fragments int o a coll ective whole (Rei ssman, 1993). This includ es bot h the experien ces th at the person has lived through and the ways in whi ch the individu al und erstands the meanings that these experiences have had for him or her. Some t heoreti cians have averred that narrat ing ones lif e experiences i s not onl y a recounting of ones life b ut is actu ally a process by which individuals constru ct their identity (Botell a, 1997; Fisch erRosenthal & Al heit, 1995). As the nar ratives unfold, the indi vidual s validat e their sense of self, thus rei nforcing the feelingbo th in

- -

58

themselves and i n the li sten erthat an id entity is i n the process of being constructed through the vehi cle of the stor ytelling.

Crisi s, Confusion, Fluidity & Resolution One of the most important and central t heme of the narratives and t hi s entire proj ect has been the need to define my identity especially in li ght of being youn g. It is a need to pl ace that identity somewhere in the outer reality, to come to a common p oint t hat between what i s experienced inside and get an affirmation of it from the outsid e.

for me, a persons id entity is the words, ideas, trait s, etc. that she uses to describe her self as she i s at the moment as well as what sh e aspires t o be. It is your self-percepti ons and aspir ations. And these are aspects of herself that she uses to deal with the wo rld. I think it includes only that part of a person that she i s aware of or has given thought too A person might consider some aspect s of h er iden tity more important than other s probably based on what aspect of her identity is more operant in her life, what she u ses more. Experien ce is an i mportant factor as experiences cause the dev elopment of those aspect s and make them sali ent to selfperception. If they were to remai n latent f orever, they wouldnt be part of identity. -Bhum ika

- -

59

Shifa describes her i dentity as a to and f ro between wh at she think s it i s inside and looks for confirmations out side too. It is as if it were im portan t for us t o look into a mirror to confirm what we think we are and only when we got th at could we say that it was what we are. On deeper explorations on thi s i s was ev ident th at thi s conflict of Who am I? What i s my identit y? onl y got more compl ex and thought evoking as we went further along. Erickson (1968) says that, The sen se of identity then b ecom es (during yout h) more necessary (and more problemati c) wher ever a wide range of p ossi ble identiti es i s envi saged. And so he brought into prime focus iden tity confusion and t he struggl e to define it. (p.245) Yet in all youths seeming shiftiness, a seeking after some durabi lity can b e d etect ed. This search is easily misunderstood and often it is onl y dimly per ceived by the individu al him self, because youth always steps up to grasp both diver sity in principl e and principle in diver sity. (p.235) In this sense, the search to d efine identity was well pr eserved in t he thought s and expl oration by bot h the parti cipant s. Their quest for defining their identiti es in different ways was al l pointing towards the ro ad to resolution and under stan ding. Both spo ke about deeper and connect ed issu es of the soci al setup and what it made them. People are important to me. I thi nk my i dentity i n that way i s a struggle, you just know you are goi ng but where it is sometime difficult t o

- -

60

determine and I dont like to rom anticize it either by callin g myself Prometheus.- Shifa.

These account s can also be validated by many postmodern approaches, which stat e th at the construction of on e s identity is a d ynami c process that develop s an d ch anges over the lif e course of t he individual (Bicket, 2001; Giddens, 199 1). A crucial aspect of this theory i s the fluctuati ng nature of identity. Alth ough peopl e t end to identify with m any aspect s, based on factor s such as race, ethnicity, class, gender, national origin, and so on, these factors becom e salient at different times and i n different ways, thus contributi ng to the fluid nature of identity construction.

Sensitized to Discrimination I will now present short ex cerpt s from the conver sati ons wit h the young women, both of whom found caste an d religion a very implicit an d distorted p art of their identity. The examples ar e drawn from the interviews that were gathered, when their views on religion was asked strong experiences of inner conflict and a struggle to underst and cam e from within. At different times both were asked about commun ity, soci ety, political issues and how these related to th eir identi ty. Although these questions wer e posi ted in a gener al fashion on further expl oration deeper implications of what rol e soci et y had in the identities of t hese young women cam e up, what all th e questi ons have in commo n is that they

- -

61

began with the request from the intervi ewer to tell me your views on this, whatever you think i s relevant. Let us begin with Shifa s account on the i ssu es of Religion and Identity: I am not a religious person, but it is my identity to be a Muslim. Onl y Musl im. Lifes longest decisions remi nd me of my religion. Whet her it is what liv elihood; what job; which place to stay who to talk t o, who to meet and what friend s to have an d what romantic relationships to get involved in. Nobody is in a Jihad ag ainst Communalism in this country an d I would love to meet a man who would only marry a Muslim wom an. My f ather h ad 3 sist ers and family hasnt been cohesive. Moms f amily too wasnt so close while growing up. Lineage i s not that myt hologi cal somethi ng for me, ju st the kind of soci ety we are from, I dont belong to a higher ord er wit hin I slam either. My parents were not aristo cratic. I don t have that arrog ance of heritage. So i t isnt really that import ant an aspect of my identity. Race & et hnicity has been a kernel of trauma, being constantly in exile. Dont forget th at yo u ar e a Muslim, from the society ( Both Mu slim s and non-Muslim s). Shifas response to Political i ssues: When a circum stan ce ari ses your politi cal inclination s can really tell a lot about your identity. When you have t o take a serious st and it can tell volumes about you I feel pride in m y country till something like Godhr a happen s to it.

- -

62

When we read through Shif as account s, the integrat ion between th e person al and collective aspects of her i dentity seems to be incompl ete. She speaks of values, the leg acy of Isl am in her, love of the country as well as not being reli gious and Muslim history through Being i n const ant exil e. These ar e inst ances of separate present ation of collective versus person al identity but more so are f ragment s of di scrimination f aced becau se of being a Musli m and that too a young Muslim woman i n the dominant Hindu cont ext of the society. Even though we are ref erring to a relativel y liber al environment that present s itself in the urban society, embedded noti ons of religi on, Muslim versu s Hindu and the politi cal interplay b etween these i ssues has not been resolved, this conflict was experienced by Shifa at a very personal l evel. From i ssues such as bein g asked if sh e at e beef, to being the only Musl im girl in class, to having asked if her full name shifali not just shifa these were fragm ent s that made her questi on the syst em sh e exi sted in, the one that forced it s dominant collective id entity upon her s. S he al so spoke about the str ength this g ave her to look d eeper into her self and explore because of these conflicting im ages set before her in soci et y, the. On one level, Shifa tries to separate her belief that she is ent itled to full human and civil rights from her memories of having experi enced conflicting situati ons (for exam ple those r elated to romantic relati onships) that dealt with her bei ng a Muslim towards another exi stential cri sis of

- -

63

being a human being and to be treat ed like one i nst ead of a Musli m only. The personal and the coll ective str ands of identity here appear to run parallel to one ano ther, neither meet ing nor cl ashi ng. In short, what we hear in S hifas story i s a more separate sense of the per sonal and the soci al primarily because of the sensed di scrimination that was

experienced yet laughed off or ignored and so in many ways never voiced. In Shifas narratives we see how the per sonal and the coll ectiv e intersect, when a p erso nal traum a has a collective twist, and, at t imes, run parall el to one another, when she describ ed her experien ces, her political views, and the conflict s sh e faced in making the most import ant decisi ons (relationships, friend s, education).

In Bhumika s accounts of what she v iewed societ y as when she look ed into her identity she st ated that: I would say t hat thi s i s somewhat important...maybe even VE RY important because belo nging to the sect i n the soci ety th at I bel ong to has also d etermined the circum stances...the society ensur es that certain peopl e live in a certain way and get a cert ain am ount of resources...getting more specific within our soci ety -with the cast e system prevailing...People who belong to a higher caste have had a bet ter life. Peopl e who d ont have to deal with di scrimination or set backs or perhaps I wouldnt have turned out the way I h ave b ecause I got to think more about these issues since they were affecting me so strongly.

- -

64

Being from a sch edul e caste and not taking a reservation in college or schoo l has done me som e good but al so has influenced my identity a whole lot. It is NOT very im portant for me because I never experien ced the Education al Backward ness or Pover ty being a middle class urban individual an d therefore I have not shar ed any of the attributes of my Sched ule caste group but I val ue the struggl e and t hings that

generations befor e me went throug h.

If things hadnt changed, but things have changed and so it makes it important for m e to hav e my identity in t he way I thi nk about my famili al background. You cannot complet ely i sol ate one thing from the other. One of my friend, his family is a high caste however they are not very economi cally stabl e family. They are however, VERY educated and their ideology i s different-- Marxi st/Communi st.

In Bhumikas accou nts, we saw accept ance and embracing of different fragments of her identity, and it appears as if she accept s equally bot h person al and collective aspect s of her identity, with lesser expression of conflict between th e two and in this process something el se emerges. In her intervi ew, we see a deep connection and sensitiviti es t owards i ssues of the caste syst em, we hear an expression of inner resoluti on and underst anding that she has wi th thi s part of her identity. This is evident in the words, whi ch note: I wouldnt h ave turned out the way I have

- -

65

becau se I got to think more about these issues since they were affecting me so strongl y. We can underst and Bh umikas att empt to look beyon d the sy stem i n the process when she speaks of the sit uation with in her friends case where educati on is given a preference over Caste. In later accou nts she al so connect s the role of this soci al st ance on her per sonal identity when she say s It i s very im portant because you cannot be yourself with a soci al environment, what I say or do has a signifi cant rol e in who I am. This way her personal goals to und erst and myself and the world around me mix both th e person al id entity and the collective. Later on in the interview, when Bhumik a talks about how the sense of your social an d cultural background and I am trying to know more about it; how that

makes me different from say a chinese person or an Ameri can per son but Im less affected by it because m y basi c inner self i snt different from others I think so Im less affected by it. My race and ethni c background only pl aces m e i n a context. For example; I have had to deal with problem of cast e since it i s a stro ng part of my society as an i ndian. With thi s, from her interview, it appear s as if she is not considering maki ng th e underst anding of societ y and per sonal identity an integral part of her life, that she is who she i s and how she is because of the explor ations she has done so far. She feel s now that she want s to get more out of the perso nal expression of life integrating it wit h the rest of t he world and all thi s has yet to be fully realized.

- -

66

On reflection as a researcher, these i ssues might have deeper connections to the identity of individual s than the credit we give them; We are cultural animal s for whom the resources of cultur e are ingredient and not m erely accessory to human thou ght (Lifton i n the Protean Self). Lifton also says that each individual person "has been evo lving a sense of self appropriate to the restl essn ess and flux of o ur time, a time in which human hi story has become more open, more dangerous, and more unpredict able." In Lifton's view, life is no longer governed by rites of passag e and therefore modern m en and women must pursue a p ersonal search for authenti city and meaning. In the Indian cont ext, through moderni ty has brought al ong with it thi s

unpredict ability

technological

advancem ent,

ecologi cal

imbalan ces and political conflict s and wars and terrorism. Howev er, older issu es of di scriminat ion on the basis of cast e and religion havent even started to resolve. This has put the contemporary youth identity on a borderline bet ween what it is to be m odern to what it is to be of a Caste or a Rel igion. A deeper look into the minds of the

technological ly ad vanced and liberal soci alites always gives way to what ones l ast name i s and what caste on e bel ongs to, whether one eats pork or beef; wh ether you are schedule caste; from more recent uprisi ngs of the youth in the instance of increasi ng percentage in colleges for reserved categori es to which model of iP od one owns. These have all enmeshed into a complicated real ity the urban Indi an youth faces.

- -

67

Larson, Dworkin & Verma, (2003) illu strates how the urban indian middle class teenager s are convergi ng i n trends with the Am erican/western youth. But issu es of famil y, gender, cast e, creed and religion are differentiated as Bh umika put s it in her response the sense of your soci al and cult ural background and I am trying to know m ore about it; how that makes me different from say a chin ese person or an American person but Im less affected by it b ecause my b asi c inner self isnt different from ot hers I think so Im less affected by it. My race and ethni c background only places me in a context. Therefor e, identity is not devoid of context or culture and this is an idea that the yout h must carry with it t o prevent annihilati on. Erickson says, it i s cl ear today the ideolog ical needs of al but intellectual youth of the h umani st tr adition are begi nning to be t aken car e of by a subordinati on of ideology to the technologi cal super identit y in which even th e Am erican dream and t he Marxi st revolution com e to meet. If there com petition can be halt ed before it leads t o mutual annihilati on., it is just po ssible that a new manki nd seeing that it can now bot h buil d and destroy giganti c scale, will focus its intelligence (feminine as well as masculine) on the ethi cal question s concerning t he workings of human generations-beyond produ cts, power and ideasThi s can be advan ced only by men and wom en who know that f rom generation to generation th e test of what you produce i s the CARE it i nspires. (Erickson 1968, p.259260)

- -

68

Being a Woman Gender & Patriarch y In her book on Contemporary Indian Women, Sara Mitt er says t hat, For some years, Indi a had b een looking less alien, less pro blemat ical t o ordinary West ern eyes. Magazine phot os no long er featur ed gaunt faces and out stretched h ands; they now sho wed thriving marketpl aces and glamorou s vacati on spot s. Publicity campaigns projected artistry and elegan ce, vast and variou s, the worlds largest democracy, a talented and resourceful peopl eand what ab out the women? Cl assically photogeni c in either their opulence or their distress, Indian women have often been pictured, but rarely revealed. (p. 89) This is the story and identity of the women in India, our knowledge of the lives they lead is largely anecdot al; it comes from stereotype images, some exotic noti ons and a few grim facts like Sati, Rape victim s in the cities and fem ale foeti cide. How are I ndian wom en, especi ally youn g women, experi encing the accelerat ed momentum of the march towards modernity? How do the classic imag es of Indian womanh ood fit in wit h the changing orientations of soci ety i n t he urban Indi a and how do their identity em erge? These question s emerged and partly answered th emselves in the conversations with the participant s. The issue of identity took it s strongest po sition in these nuances. There was a co-cr eation of exp erience as it becam e an interact ion and sharing between 3 women- the researcher and the two participant, beyon d all collective and per son al iden tities the

- -

69

women start ed to sh are a common hi stor y and experi ences, that of being women stru ggling to place them sel ves in a modern and urban yet dom inan t and patriarchal world. From my v antage point as a researcher, t hese two young women cam e t he closest in sharing their exp eriences as wo men more than any other aspect of their exist ence. There is a personal and private sharing that cam e abou t and sudden comfort we experience in being women and in the process validating each ot hers exp eriences. The discussion s of gender issues in Identi ty exploration were not an effort for us, it was a subtle t urn the conver sation s too k on their own and becam e the deepest moments of sh aring amongst each ot her. Bhumi ka said, In th e kind of soci ety Im i n it m atters a l ot, its not just being a female biologi cally, its Gender. Im in a girls college its a reservati on so yes being a girl m atter s a l ot in t his society and it matter s a lot to me. Also femini sm (not to be taken as rebelli on) but as a movement to bring about awaren ess towards what it i s to be the wom an gender i s significant in my life. Gender- sometim es I dont like bei ng a woman because I am seekin g fearlessn ess and risky behavior and un-go od girl like behavior. But I al so love women, I love the si sterhood we all share and I dont experience that conflict wit hin myself when I see a woman which I feel when seeing a man. I feel harmony with women and no envy.- Shifa There were subli minal m essag es by bot h young wom en of ho w exp ect ation

- -

70

and th e notion of Being a wom an played havoc wit h the identity of the individual. In Shifa s wish t o be a man because I am seeking fearlessn ess it throws light upon the cul ture of oppression and fear that women are reared i n. The conver sation s further went into the rol e of biological and sexual functions to which Shifa responded, I think that sexu al orient ation i s a bi g part of my identity becau se I am not obligat ed by the het erosexual norms forced on m e by the societ y. Also I look at both men and women differentl y (sexuall y speaki ng) so y es, I con sider it a strong aspect of my identity. Person (1980) st ates that, it has long been recogni zed that certai n conventi ons- the double standard, the cult of virginity and the requirem ent that female sexuality find expressi on solely withi n monogamous

hetero sexual marriage- control and inhi bit femal e sexuality. Whatever their origins might be, these conventions are m ajor support s for mal e dominance and patri archy. Shifa emphasized this in her con versations by stati ng that, it is important to highli ght our own struggles against twi sted tool s of patriarchy and what sexuality i s really about. Being a soci al lesbian enjoying close bond s with sam e sex indivi duals h as come easily because it was easy access too, how much does that contribute to m y identity... a LOT. Similar experiences of the Twisted tools of patriarchy and embedded symbol s of women oppression came in a b ook by Nancy Friday called My

- -

71

Mother, My Self where she spoke of the daughters search for her identity sep arate from the mothers (control). And to highl ight that struggle in a co-creat ed expl oration of her and identity of various women she intervi ewed. She explains that in-order to understand the identity that is g endered or the Feminine identit y there i s a resol ution in a wom ans self that i s required, this reso lution emerges from the roots of m atriarchal bonds and challenging the mo st intimat e and closest bond that in effect emerged from patriarchy it self. She stat es, Understandin g what we have with our mothers i s the beginning of under standin g ourselves. When a mot her holds her child in her arms, whether it is her son or daughter, she feels many emotions. When that child is the same sex as she, she sees herself. She feel s a ti dal wave of every emot ion she has feltlove, fear, anxi ety, hat e. It is not so mu ch what a mot her wants from a daughter that will d etermine how far the girl will go. More than anyt hing, it is the mot hers own self-est eem that will influence the daught ers emotional sep aration and independence. (Nancy Friday, My Mother, My Self, 1987, p. iv) Erickson (1968) in hi s book Identity- Youth and Cri sis stat es, Young women often ask if they can have an identity before they know whom they will marry and for whom they will make a home. Granted that somethi ng in t he young woman s identity must itself open for the peculiariti es of t he man to be joi ned and of the children to be brought up,

- -

72

I think that much of a young womans i dentity is alr eady defi ned in her kind of attr activeness and in the selective nature of her search for the man (or men) by whom she wi shes t o be so ught. This, of course, is only the psych osexual aspect of her identity, and she m ay go far in postponing it s closur e while training herself as a worker and a citizen and whil e developi ng as a person within the role possibilities of her t imes. (p.283) This total configurational approach al l ows us to place the identity construction of a woman in the proper per spective. The participant s though urban and young face these struggles in placing themselves in the soci al milieu as a femini ne iden tity in the presen ce of ot her fact ors of being a good worker, a good citizena good st udent . It is from time immemorial women have seen themselves in relation wit h others and not as individu al and t hat thi s trend conti nues as Kak ar (2001) points out an Indian woman does not stand alone; h er identity i s wholl y defined by her rel ation to other s. For although in most soci eties, a wom an defines herself in relation an d conn ection to other intimat e people, thi s is singul arly true of Indi an women (p.182). The dominant psychosocial realities of her life can be con densed into three stages: First she i s a daught er to her parent s Second she is a wif e to her husband Third she is a moth er to her sons. It makes a lot of m y identity, the kind of person you are and the kind of

- -

73

people around you determi nes who you ar e and your identity. However, in the oppressive world that forces women to conform and places t he m any contr adictions Shifa al so said I dont know where my community i s, I cannot feel for som ething that doesnt exi st for me. I am on the borders/ fringes. In the end, viewing our identity as t hat of a wom ans identity i n contempor ary India made us sensitive to t he struggles it took our mot her s to reach where they ar e, to see th e need to the feminist movement in our country. It al so helped us realize how m en become vi ctim s of patri archy too, in one su ch movement Shif a sai d Show me a man who will only marry a Muslim wom an. On the crossroads of patriarchy also came the realizati on of how women have played i nto gender-roles for secondary gains. Women through the ages have lent themsel ves to variety of roles conduci ve t o an exploitati on of masochist po tenti als. (Erickson, 1 968, p.284) In 1949, the con stitut ion of India est abli sh India as a democrati c, secular nation and b anned all forms of discrimi nation in theory, against second class citi zen, that is former untouchables, religious minorities, and women. Did thi s really happen after 60 year s of independence and t he Indian fight again st oppressi on? In the participant s of this stu dy there was glimp se of all three, the schedule caste, th e Muslim and the women that em erged and ensued themselves in various asp ect s that co-exi st, just like how the partici pant s

- -

74

in the beginning of this explor ation had st ated: Everything seem s important, each aspect has it s own relevance. Withi n identity have emerged the so cial, cultural and political world Indi a i s, the oppression Indian wom en p ercei ve and experience and an attempt to underst and t hem. However, if we view the construction of ones identity as a lifelon g process (Gergen, 1991), then we can also assert that at times, one s identity wil l be characterized by un certainty, ambiguity, contradi ctions, and loss of control. This should be especially true of young adults, who are often deeply in th e throes of trying to under stand who t hey are and what their place is withi n their social cont ext (Erickson, 1977). For Further Reflection What i s My Ident ity? As one comes to the question in the endfor now it is th at which is ag ainst oppression an d for th e em powerm ent of the oppressed, th e dalit, the women, the rel igious minorities, each of these reflect in my id entity as much as of t he participant s. This identi ty has both personal and coll ective asp ect s, and is a dynamic process that i s unfolding slowly. At tim es, some aspect of identity becom es highly stressed, whereas at other s, other components gain salience. The border s between all th ese aspects are not always be clear and well defined; one often blurs into th e other, adding a sense of fluidity, change, confli ct, and acceptance. Therefore thi s journey i snt complet ely over, there needs to be a deeper and repeat ed expl oration and engagement that sensitively delves into this complexit y.

- -

75

For these reason, the method of interviewing was very relevant and sensitive, gi ven that it dimin ished my fears of giving ov er control t o another (in thi s case, insi sting that the participant l ead the way) and that dealt wi th and sometim es appear ed even to encourage ambiguity, uncertainty, and co ntradict ions. The researcher did not aim to control what happened d uring the intervi ew pr ocess or to devise a neat and perfect package that woul d result in an absol ute reproducibl e model. By not direct ing the n arratives complet ely in any way (learni ng not to interrupt the conver sati on during the main narrative), the resear cher let the co nver sation partn er know that it i s legitimate to b e ambi guous and t o not feel t he need to place cl ear borders around hi s or h er life story, and that he or sh e can g o with t he flow. This flow mi ght be strai ghtforwar d and linear or more fluid and full of surprises, with stories that are not alway s congru ent with one anotherbut all of this is okay, given that thi s interview process, in these fragment s are an explorati on of identity.

- -

76

REFERENCES Akbar, M.J. (1985). India: The siege within. USA: Penguin. Bansal, P. (2005). Change and Continuity: Reflections on Identity in Youth. Psychological Studies, 50 (2/3), 205-211. Bergh, S. & Erling, A. (2005). Adolescent Identity Formation: A Swedish Study of Identity Status Using the EOM-EIS-II. Adolescence, 40, 245-259. Blos, P. (1962). On Adolescence- a Psychoanalytic Interpretation. New York: Free Press. Bohra, A.K. (1979). Social perception of ingroup and outgroup members in India. Journal of Social Psychology, 108, 9-12. Botella, L. (1997). Constructivism and narrative psychology. Unpublished manuscript, Department of Psychology, Ramon Llull University, Barcelona, Spain. Retrieved on March 16, 2008, from http://www.univie.ac.at/constructivism/paper.html Brubaker, R. & Cooper, F. (2000). Beyond identit y. Theory and Society, 29, 1-47. Burke, P. J. (2004). The 2003 Cooley-Mead Award address. Social Psychology Quarterly, 67n(1), 5-16. Chaudhari, K.K. (2004). A Study of Womens Identity processes thought Post-new wave Hindi cinema. Ph.D. Doctoral thesis submitted for the award of Ph.D. Degree to Delhi University. Cheek, J. M. & Briggs, S. R. (1981, August). Self-consciousness, self-monitoring, and aspects of identity. Paper presented at the meeting of the American

- -

77

Psychological Association, Los Angeles, CA. (Part of which was published as Cheek & Briggs, 1982). Cheek, J. M. (1982/83). The Aspects of Identity Questionnaire: Revised scales assessing personal and social identity. Unpublished manuscript, Wellesley College. Cheek, J. M. (1989). Identity orientations and self-interpretation. In D. M. Buss & N. Cantor (Eds.), Personality Psychology: Recent Trends and Emerging Directions (pp. 275-285). New York: Springer-Verlag. Cheek, J. M., & Briggs, S. R. (1982). Self-consciousness and aspects of identity. Journal of Research in Personality, 16, 401-408. Cheek, J. M., Underwood, M. K., & Cutler, B. L. (1985). The Aspects of Identity Questionnaire (III). Unpublished manuscript, Wellesley College. Diriwchter, R., Valsiner, J. & Sauck, C. (2004). Microgenesis in Making Sense of Oneself: Constructive Recycling of Personality Inventory Items [49 paragraphs]. Forum Qualitative Sozialforschung / Forum: Qualitative Social Research [On-line Journal], 6(1), Art. 11. Available at: http://www.qualitativeresearch.net/fqs-texte/1-05/05-1-11-e.htm [Accessed on- March 2, 2008]. Erickson, E.H. (1968). Identity- Youth and Crisis. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc. Erikson, E. H. (1959). Identity and the life cycle. New York: Norton. Fearon, J.D. (1999). What Is Identity? (As We Now Use the Word). Retrieved January 14, 2008, from Stanford University Archives, California. Website: http://www.stanford.edu/jfearon/papers/iden1v2.pdf

- -

78

Fischer-Rosenthal, W., & Alheit, P. (Eds.). (1995). Biographien in Deutschland: Soziologische Rekonstruktionen gelebter Gesellschaftsgeschichte [Biographies in Germany: Sociological reconstructions of lived social history]. Opladen, Germany: Westdeutscher Verlag.

Friday, N. (1987). My Mother, My Self- A Daughters Search for Identity. New York: Laurel Book, Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

Geertz, C. (1973). The Interpretation of Culture: Selected Essays. New York: Basic Books, Inc.

Gergen, K. J. (1991). The saturated self: Dilemmas of identity in contemporary life. New York: Basic Books.

Ghosh, E.S.K. (2005) Inter group context of Social Identity and Group Decision Making in India and Bangladesh. Psychological Studies, 50(2/3), 117-126.

Glaser, B.G. & Strauss, A. L. (1995). The Discovery of Grounded Theory: Strategies for Qualitative Research. Hawthorne, New York: Aldine de Gruyter.

Hornstein, G. A. (1988). Quantifying psychological phenomena: debates, dilemmas and implications. In Morawski, J. G. (Ed.). The rise of experimentation in American psychology. (pp.1-34). New Haven, Connecticut: Yale University Press.

Jenkins, R. (2004). Key Ideas, Social Identity. 2nd Ed. New York: Routledge. Jones, S.R. & McEwen, M.K. (2000). A Conceptual Model of Multiple Dimensions of Identity. Retrieved Februrary 20, 2008 from Journal of College Student Development, 41(4). [online] Website: http://edh5941-

01.sp05.fsu.edu/Jones&McEwen_2000.pdf

- -

79

Kakar, S. (2001) Culture and Healing- The Maternal-Feminine in Indian Psychoanalysis. In The Essential Writings of Sudhir Kakar. New Delhi: Oxford University Press.

Keniston, K. (1974). Youth and Its Ideology. New York: Basic Books, Inc. Kishore, K. & Misra, G. (2005). Womens Identity in Psychological Theory and the Indian Cultural Context. Psychological Studies, 50 (2/3), 177-186.

Kroger, J. (1996). Identity in adolescence: The balance between self and other. London: Routledge.

Kroger, J. (2000). Ego identity status research in the new millennium. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 24(2), 145-148.

Larson R., Verma S. & Dworkin J. (2003). Adolescence without Family Disengagement: The Daily Family Lives of Indian Middle Class Teenagers. In Saraswathi, T.S. (Ed.). Cross-cultural Perspectives in Human DevelopmentTheory, Research and Application. New Delhi: Sage Publications, Inc.

Lifton, R.J (1993). The Protean Self: Human Resilience in an Age of Fragmentation. New York: Basic Books, Inc.

Marcia, J. E. (1994). The empirical study of ego identity. In H. A. Bosma, T. L.Graafsma, H. D. Grotevant, & D. J. Delevita (Eds.), Identity and development: An interdisciplinary approach (pp. 67-80). Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.

McAdams, D.P (2001). The Psychology of Life Stories. Review of General Psychology, 5 (2), 100-122.

Misra, A. (2004). Identity and Religion. Thousand Oakes: Sage Publications, Inc.

- -

80

Misra, G. & Giri, R.S. (1995). Is Indian self predominantly Interdependent? Journal of Indian Psychology, 13, 16-29.

Misra, G. (2001). Culture and self: implications for psychological inquiry. Journal of Indian Psychology, 13, 1-20.

Mitter, S.S. (1995). Dharmas Daughters- Contemporary Indian Women and Hindu culture. New Brunswick, New Jersey: Rutgers University Press.

Oommen, T.K. (1986). Insiders and outsiders in India: Primordial collectivism and cultural pluralism in nation building. International Sociology, 1, 53-74.

Panandikar, V.A. (1999). Contemporary India. In Nandy, A. & Panandiker, V.A. (Eds). Politics, Culture and Socio-Economic Dynamics in Contemporary India. New Delhi: Tata McGraw-Hill.

Panda, M. (2005) Context to Categorization: A study of Social Identities of College Students of Orissa. Psychological Studies, 50(2/3), 134-143.

Paranjpe, A. C. (1998). Self and Identity in Modern Psychology and Indian though. New York: Plenum Press.

Person, E.S. (1980). Sexuality as the Mainstay of Identity: Psychoanalytic Perspectives. Signs, 5(4), 605-630.

Rajwade, S. (2005). The Indian Feminine: An Exploration in the Feminine Identity. Psychological Studies, 50 (2/3), 166-170.

Reason, P. & Heron, J. (2001). The Practice of Co-operative Inquiry: Research with rather than on People. In Reason, P. & Bradbury, H. (2006). Handbook of Action Research. (pp. 144-154). London: Sage Publications.Ltd.

- -

81

Reddy, D.S. (2006). Religious Identity and Political Destiny: Hindutva in the Culture of Ethnicism. Oxford: Alta Mira Press.

Reissman, C.K. (1993) Narrative Analysis. Newbury Park, London, New Delhi: Sage Publications.Ltd.

Roland, A. (1988). In search of self in India and Japan: Towards a cross-cultural psychology. Princeton, NJ:Princeton : University Press.

Rubin, H.J. & Rubin, I.S. (2005). Qualitative Interviewing- The Art of Hearing Data. Thousand Oakes, CA: Sage Publications, Ltd.

Sampson, E. E. (1978). Personality and the location of identity. Journal of Personality, 46, 552-568.

Sander, F. (1962). Das Menschenbild in der neueren Psychologie. (The Position Of Men In The New Psychology). In Sander F. & Volkelt H. (Eds.), Ganzheitspsychologie (Peoples Psychology) (pp.369-382). Mnchen, Germany: C.H. Beck'sche Verlagsbuchhandlung.

Sen, R. (2005) Us vs. Them and Gandhi: The Case of Hindu-Muslim Conflicts in India. Psychological Studies, 50(2/3), 111-116.

Sinha, D. & Tripathi, R.C. (1994). Individualism in a collectivist culture: A case of coexistence of opposites. In U. Kim, H. Triandis, C. Kaitcibasi, S Choi. & G. Yoons. (Eds.), Individualism and Collectivism: Theory, Method and Applications (pp. 123-136). London: Sage.

Sinha, D. (1988) Social Values and Development: Asian Perspectives. New Delhi: Sage Publications Ltd.

Sinha, J.B.P. & Sinha, D. (1990). Role of Social Values in Indian Organizations, International Journal of Psychology, 25 (3/6), 705-714. - 82

Stryker, S. & Burke, P.J. (2000). The Past, Present, and Future of an Identity Theory. Social Psychology Quarterly, Special Millenium Issue on the State of Sociological Social Psychology 63(4), 284-297.

Tajfel H. & Turner, J.C. (1986). The social identity theory of intergroup behaviour. In S. Worchel & W.G. Austin (Eds.) Psychology of Intergroup relations. Chicago: Nelson Hall.

Taylor, D.M. & Jaggi, V. (1974). Ethnocentrism and Causal attribution in South Indian context. Journal of Cross-cultural Psychology, 5, 162-171.

Tripathi, R.C. (2005). Hindu Social Identities and Imagined Past: The Faceoff between Ram Temple and Martyred Mosque at Ayodhya. Psychological Studies, 50(2/3), 102-110.

Vahali, H.O. (2003). From A Researchers Notebook: scattered thoughts on research and researching. Psychological Studies, 48(3), 28-37.

Valsiner, J. (1998). The guided mind. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. Valsiner, J. (2000a). Culture and human development. London: Sage Varma, P.K. (2005) Being Indian: Inside the Real India. New Delhi: William Heinemann Ltd.

Woodward, K. (2003). Understanding Identity (Understanding Media Series). London: Hodder Arnold Publications.

- -

83