Spiritual Intimacy For Couples

The Institute For Present Living & Learning

Spiritual Intimacy for Couples

But I dont understand, Barb said. I just want to communicatewithDon.Instead,IfeellikeImchasing himallthetime.Hesitsdownthereinhiscave,Icallit. He has the basement all set up for himself with his computer,hismusicandhisTV.
Ilookedatherwithcompassion.Afterfifteenyearsof marriage,shewasattheendofherrope,feelingalone and isolated. I empathized, Yes, I can relate. Its like yourealwayschasinghim. Thatsright!sherespondedwithenergy.IfIdontdo orsayanything,nothinghappens! Hes not taking any initiative, I further empathized. Hersharpeyesbrightened,Thatsit!Noinitiative! ThatsverytypicalofaFarperson,Isaid. YoureallyopenedmyeyeswhenItookyourworkshop,shesaid.IrealizedthathesFarandImNear, justlikeyou. Ismiled.Imglad.Butstill,yousentmeanemailsayingyouwerententirelygettingit,soIthankthe LordthatIbumpedintoyouthismorningandthatwecantalkaboutit.Iwanttolearnfromyouwhats missingandyoucanlearnfrommebetterhowtousethisWhosTheDriver?tool. Ivebeenreallysufferinglately.ImfedupandIgetmadsometimes.IsaythingsIknowIshouldntsay but Im so frustrated! She drew her finger across her lips to show her struggle to keep her mouth in check. Well, lets take an issue apart. Thats the best way to use this tool, I said. You have to apply it to somethingreal. Well,onethingIaskhimis,DoyoubelieveinGodordontyou?Itsnotcomplicated!YesIdoorNoI dont. All he says is I dont know. Its not hard, is it, to say yes or no? But he refuses. Up until yesterday,Ihadnohopeatall!Shespokewithafainthopeinhervoice.

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Spiritual Intimacy For Couples

The Institute For Present Living & Learning

Ipickedupthehintofgoodnewsbutdecidednottoinquireaboutitrightaway.Shecontinued,Myfaith iseverythingtome.Isometimesaskhimtocomealongwithmetochurchorotherevents.Ivelearned towaituntilthelastminutesohedoesnthavetimetothinkaboutit.Iboughtticketstoachoirconcert lastmonthandIdidntworryaboutit.Ifhewouldntcome,Iwouldntlettheticketgotowaste.Tomy surprise,thattimehesaid,Sure,Illcomealong.Mostlythough,Imonmyown.HeliveshislifeandI livemine.ThelasttimeIaskedhimaboutGod,helistenedandsaid,Look,Idontimposemyvalueson you.Youcanbelievewhateveryouwant.Sodonttrytoimposeyourvaluesonme! AclassicFarpersonperspective,Ithoughttomyself.YoudoyourthingandIlldomine. I have been trying everything, she said. Im at the end of my rope. I cant explain it but I feel awful inside.Isaythingsandthenhesaysthingsanditgoestoabadplace.SothenIstoptryingforawhilebut thenwedonttalkatall.ThankGodforRetrouvailleandthecoregroup.Atleastweconnectonceevery two weeks that way. But the rest of the weeknothing! I dont even know why we bother being married! Iaddedtoherthought.Ifeltthesamewaywithmywifebeforewesortedeverythingout.Idsaytoher, Yourelikeanisland.IfIdontsayanything,wewouldnttalkatall!IlookedatBarb,Itdoesmakeyou wonderwhyyouevergotmarried! Shereplied,ThehardestpartishowIfeelinside.Ifeelawful,reallybadandheseemstohavenoidea about it. When I saw your video of you and Joanne, I thought, thats what I want to be close and loving! Thatsnice,Iempathized.Butourpathtogettherewassimilartowhereyouarenow.IfeltlikeIwas dyinginside. Thatsit!shecriedout.DyinginsideishowIfeel.Shrivellingup.Ipray,Lordwhereareyou?Help me!Hereyesgrewwatery.Iknewthefeelingalltoowell.Atleast,Dontoldmejustyesterdaythat whilehehadnointerestinchurchorreligion,hedoesbelieveinGod!Iwassorelievedtohearthat! Ismiled,andsensedshewasnowreadytohearmoreaboutthemysteryofGodsloveforherandforall couples. YouareexperiencingthespiritualpartofthejourneyinyourmarriagewithDon.TheLordhasgotyou whereyouneedtobe.Iknowthepainisgreatandthetemptationtorunawayfromitisalsoverygreat. Butthereisnoescapingthispartofthejourney.Ifyoudo,itwillbetherewaitingforyouinyournext relationship,orifyouremainsingle,thenyoullhavetofaceitinthatway,learningtolivealoneforthe restofyourlife. SoGodhasaplanformeSheacceptedthatalready,Iknew. Ofcourse,Isaid.ThisisHiswayofbringingyouclosetoHim,andteachingyouthetruemeaningof love,spirituallove,notromanticlove.
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Spiritual Intimacy For Couples

The Institute For Present Living & Learning

ButIdontgetit,shesaid.IwanttobeobedientanddoGodswillbutthisdoesntmakesensetome. Imsuffering Yes, you are suffering. You are dying to self and that involves suffering. No one wants to willing go there.EvenJesusprayedinGethsemanetotheFathertohavethiscuptakenfromhislips.Ipaused.Do youwantmetoexplainhowitworksasIvemadesenseofit? Shelookedatmewithhope.Yes,Iwanttohear.IwantedtospeaktoyouandIcouldntfigureouthow tomakeithappensonowwerehereandthisisperfect. Indeeditis.ThenIbegan.SoyoureNearandyourhusbandisFar.Thatmeanshelikestomakehis owndecisionsanddohisownthing.Yourememberthescale?Iaskedher,referringtothesevenlevels ontheWhosTheDriver?scale. Yes,Ido,shesaid. Good.Thenyoullrememberthatthedriveristheleftside and the passenger is the right side of the model. On the upperleft,theFardriverisincontroloftheirowndecisions. Directly across is the Far passenger who supports the driversdecisions.Whenonedrivesandtheothersupports, therearenoargumentsordisagreements. Ilookedather.Shewasgettingitbutpatientlywaitedfor more.Icontinued.TheNeardriverisatthebottomleftof the scale. Near drivers want to be told what to do or ask permission before they do things. The Near passenger on therightsidemakesthefinaldecisionsfortheNeardriverby givingapprovalorinstructions. Yes,sometimesheslikethattoo,sheexclaimed.HesalwaysaskingmebeforehedoesanythingifIm okaywithit.Ifeellikehismothersometimes! Verygood,Ipipedin.ThatmeanshesbeingNearinthosetimes,eventhoughheoftenseemsFar. ThathappensbecauseNearandFarcantcoexistatthesametime,inthesamewaythatitcantbeboth hotandcoldatthesamemomentintime.Onlyoneofyoucanbeincontrolofthesteeringwheel,so hesobviouslylearnedtoletyoumakedecisionsforhiminsomesituations. I explained further. Since you cant both be in control, one of you has to shift to the others comfort zone.Ifhekeepsaskingyoupermissiontodothings,thatmeanshesmovedtoyourcomfortzone.The onlyproblemis,theonewhomovesusuallydoessotoavoidconflict,andfeelstheyhavetomove,so theyoftenfeelresentfulaboutit. Shethoughtaboutthat.Youmeanhesnotdoingitwillingly
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Whos The Driver?

Spiritual Intimacy For Couples

The Institute For Present Living & Learning

Exactly,Isaid.Letstakeanexample.DoyourememberthefourquestionsofWhosTheDriver?I couldseeshedidntreallyremember.Letmeremindyou: 1)Whatstheissue? 2)WhostheDriver? 3)Whatkindofdriver?and 4)Whoshouldshift? For example, I continued, when it comes to whether Don believes in God, whos the driver? I asked, looking at her expectantly. Shethoughtaboutit.WellIam.Imtheonewhowantshimtobe abeliever,soImthedriver. No,actuallyyourenot,Isaid,Whoownstheissue?Whoisthedoer? Shelookedpuzzledagain.Well,IonlymethismotheroncebutsheandIhititoff.Shealso Iinterruptedher,notwantingtoknowwhyshementionedhermotherinlaw.Remember,thedriveris thedoer.Canyouoranyonemakeyourhusbandbecomeabeliever? Well,no,shehesitated.Iwanthimtobe.Iwanttospendeternitywithhim.IbelieveImgoingto heavenandIsaytohim,Dontyouwanttobetherewithme? Ofcourse,Ipersisted.Butcanyoudothatforhim? No,Icant,sheadmitted. Iagree,Isaid.Youcantdoitforhim.Heistheonlyonewhocandecidetobecomeabelieverornot. Thatmakeshimthedriverandyouthepassenger.Youwanthimtodriveyourway,buthekeepsdriving hisownway.Hesayshesnotintoreligionandchurchandhellneverbe.SoforyoutomovetohisFar zonemeansyouwouldhavetobesupportiveofhisdecision.Thatswhatitmeansforyoutomovetohis Farzone. Shethoughtaboutit.WellIdontlikethat!HowamIsupposedtogethimtobecomeabelieverifIjust supporthisdecisionlikethat? Itmayneverhappen.Thatsthespiritualpartofthisjourneyforyou.Youhavetoaccepthimwherehes at.Hedoesithiswayandyousupporthisdecision,anditcomesatyourexpense.ItsjustlikeJesuswho gaveupHislifeforusathisownexpense. Shenoddedhesitantly.SoifIdothis,thenDonwillbecomemoreNear?Thatswhatyousaidhappened withyourwife!

2010 John Kuypers

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Spiritual Intimacy For Couples

The Institute For Present Living & Learning

Yes,thatiswhathashappenedwithmywife.Butittooknearlytwoyearsbeforeshebegantoshift. Twoyears!sheexclaimed.Ididntrealizeitwasthatlong. Yes,itwasthatlong.Andfurthermore,theresnoguaranteeitwillhappen.YouhavetoshifttoDons Farzonewiththeideathathemaynevershift.Instead,whathappensisyoudontjusttemporarilyshift tobeingFar.YouactuallybecomeFaryourself! Ipaused.IwantedtohelpherseeGodshandinherjourney,inhermarriage. YouseeBarb,thisisGodswayofhealingyouandbringingyouclosertohim.Itshiswayofhealingyour childhoodlovewound.Yousee,noneofuswaslovedperfectlybyourparents.Inmycase,myparents wereFarandsoIbecameNearasanadult.They..Suddenly,sheinterruptedmewithaflashofinsight. ThatshowIgrewuptoo!MymotherdiedwhenIwasveryyoung.Hereyesmistedover.Therewere fourofusandIwasthethird.Myfathercouldnttakecareofus,sowewerefarmedouttocousins.I rememberclingingtomybrotherslegbuteventhatwastakenawayfrommeasweallwenttodifferent families. The woman who raised me was good to me but it was never a close family thing like its supposedtobe. Thatmakessensetome,Isaid.Inmycase,myparentsworkedalotanddidnthavealotoftimefor me. My wife, on the other hand, was raised by a very Near mother who controlled her every move whatshewore,whereshewent,whatshecouldsayornotsay.Asaresult,shegrewuptobeFar.For her,shefeelsverythreatenedifsomeonetriestocontrolher.Ontheotherhand,forusNeartypes,we feelthreatenedifsomeoneignoresus. Icontinued.Soyousee,bothofusaretryingtobelovedinthewaythatourparentswerenotableto loveus.IbelievethisisGodsplan.ThateveryhumanbeingisleftwithaholeinhisheartthatonlyGod can fill. When you shift to Dons Far zone, you are making him feel safe and it is coming at your own expense.Youareforcedtogotothatreallyscaryplaceyoulivedinasachild.Youwillfeelitassuffering, relivingthelonelinessandthesenseofabandonmentthathurtsomuchwaybackthen.Then,slowly,you starttorealizethatyoureokay.BeingFarstopshurting.Younolongerfeelthreatenedbyit. Tears welled up in her eyes. Instead of seeing him as hurting me, Don is helpingmespirituallytomoveclosertoJesus Yesandtohim,Isaidgently.Throughmarriage,Godishelpingyouhealthe hole in your heart. You learn to feel safe in any situation by leaning on Jesus. YoulearntoloveDonspiritually,notHollywoodstyle.ThatswhyIonlyteach thiscommunicationtooltoChristiancouples.Youneedtohaveastrongfaith towalkthroughthisvalleywithoutrunningawayinfearanddespair,orbuilding hardwallsaroundyourheart.Itsalsohowyouremovetheloginyoureye,just

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The Institute For Present Living & Learning

asJesussaidinMatthew7:5,soyoucanseethespeckinyourhusbandseye. Idontgetthat,sheresponded.Whatistheloginmyeye? Thelogisthis:Youthinkyouaresimplytryingtocommunicatewithhim.Buthereceivesitascriticism andthathesnevergoodenoughinyoureyes. Yes,thatstrue.HesalwayssayingthatImtoocriticalofhim. Mywifesaidthesamethingofme,Ireplied.Butyouarenotabletoseethat.Youhavealoginyour eye that is blinding you to it. In the same way, he thinks he is innocently doing his own thing in the basement,notharmingyou,notcriticizingyou,notbotheringyou.Hecannotfathomwhyyouwouldbe upset with him! Yet for you, you receive his behaviour like you are being abandoned and rejected, ignoredassomeonenotworthlovingorpayinganyattentionto.Doesthatsoundright? Thatisexactlyhowitfeelsforme.Shegrewpensive.HesmakingmereturntowhatIwaslikewhenI was single. I was single for several years after my first marriage ended. I was extremely independent duringthattime. Sonowyourereturningtothat,Isaidbluntly. Wow,thatisstrange!Hereyeswidenedatthethought. Iwenton.Butthistime,youwillbeintentionalandnotresentful.WhenyoumovetohisFarzone,he willbegintotrustthatyouarebeingrealandnotjusttryingtolurehiminorevenmanipulatehim.Ashe feelssafer,hemaymovetobecomingmoreNeartheveryzonehesafraidofbecauseofhischildhood fears.Itmaytakemonthsoryearsanditmayneverhappen.Butifitdoeshappen,thefunnypartisthat itwontmatterbecauseyoullbeokaywithFarandthereforeyouwontneedhimtobeNearanyway! Shelaughed.Thatisfunny!Iwontcareeitherway. Notonlythat,Icontinued,butyoullstarttoseethebenefitsandadvantagesofhimbeingFar.You alreadysaidthatyouvejoinedothergroupsandsoontohelpyoucopewithhimbeingsoFar.Atfirst, youwillexperiencethedeepsufferingthatImentionedasyoulivequiteseparatelives.Later,youllbegin toappreciatethefactthatheissupportiveofyoudoingyourownthing.Thatswhatshappenedtome.I begantogetinvolvedinotherthings,likeCursillo,whichhasbeenagreatblessingtome.Myfirstwife wouldhavegivenmealotofgrieftogoawayforaweekendlikethat.ButJoanneistotallysupportive andnowIvaluethatgreatly!Infact,nowthatsheisgettingmoreNear,itcanfeelabitstrangetome. ShellwanttoknowmoreaboutwhatImdoingandIhavetogetusedtothat!Ilaughed. Yes,youreright!Myhusbandisgreatthatwaytoo.HereallyletsmedowhateverIwanttodo. SoyoubegintoseethathimbeingFarismostlynotaboutyouatall,butratheryouareseeingthelogin youreye the woundsfrom your childhood andyour ownjudgmental interpretations of his behaviour
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The Institute For Present Living & Learning

thataremostlyaboutyourownfears,andnotanyhurtfulintentionsonhispartatall.Onceyouseethat, youbegintoseewaystoremovethespeckthatistogethimtobemoreNearwhenyoureallyneedhim tobeNear. She looked immensely relieved. I am so thankful that we got to spend this time together. I knew I neededtoaskyoumoreaboutit,Ijustdidntknowwhenorhow. Godissogoodandsofaithful,Isaid.Idontbelievethatitwasacoincidencethatyoucameearlyfor the11oclockmasswhileIwaslateleavingafterthe9oclockservice. Istillwanttotalkaboutsomespecificissueswithyou,sheexpressedwithoptimismaswewalkedout oftheroom. Thatsfinewithme,Isaid.Youknowyouvereallygotitwhenyouvenarrowedthingsinyourmarriage down to specific issues. Thats how you get rid of those specks! I laughed as she headed into the sanctuary.PraiseGod! Afewdayslater,Barbsentmeanemail.Shewrote,IknowinmyheartthatthatmorningwasinGod's plan for me. I felt a door opening, a door that has been locked for a while. John, I find it difficult to explain.Somethinghappened.YesithelpedmetounderstandWho'sTheDriver.Honestly,alightbulb cameon.Afterourtalkthatmorning,itgavemehopebecauseyouunderstoodhowIfeltandhelpedme seewhatGodwasdoingformysoul.IexperiencedGod'sloveformeinadeeperway.Ilookforwardto spendingtimewithyouagain.Haveablessedday! Iwroteback,Yournotelightsupmyhearttoo,tobehonestwithyouBarb.NomatterhowhardItryto explain this tool, in the end, I believe theHoly Spirit either opens up apersons eyesor not. Im so happyforyouthatyouhavebeenblessedinthisway!

JohnKuypersisabusinessleadershipexpertandcouplescommunicationcoach.Hehelps couplesfindspiritualintimacyintheirmarriagebyteachingthemtofocusonbeingpresent with the Lord and nonjudgmental with each other. John is the author of The Non Judgmental Christian and Whats Important Now. He can be reached through www.presentliving.com
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