Logical Stupidity

LOGICAL STUPIDITY
INNOVATION by navigating through nonsense

(How to direct the meshugganah movies of your mind)

BASED ON REALITY
& INSPIRED BY PROFESSIONAL BULLSHi*T!NG

by Peter Greenwall

LOGICAL STUPIDITY

The 20% FREE-Book

For the full, commercial e-book visit
www.logicalstupidity.com/ebook
or to order a print version
search for the title at www.lulu.com

Copyright 2007 Peter Greenwall
UK copyright registration number (from UK Copyright Service) 265230
All e-mail enquiries to: info@logicalstupidity.com

ISBN 978-1-84799-193-5

Please Note: This free e-book version consists of
edited extracts from the commercially available e-book.
As a result, the flow (or continuity) has been disrupted.

Table of Contents

Peter Greenwall 2007 Page 3 www.logicalstupidity.com
Table of Contents

Table of Contents............................................................................................................... 3
Project Overview................................................................................................................ 5
Book Synopsis: .................................................................................................................. 6
Back of the Book Blurb: IDEAS COME FROM COC-UPS ..................................................... 7
About the Author ................................................................................................................ 8
How To Use This E-book & Whats In It For You .................................................................. 9
Other Keywords You May Want to Search For ................................................................... 12
Glossary.......................................................................................................................... 13
Songlist ........................................................................................................................... 33
Copyright & Disclaimers ................................................................................................... 34
Terms & Conditions.......................................................................................................... 36
16 Reasons for Getting Involved ....................................................................................... 39
So What Is It Exactly? ...................................................................................................... 40
All 32 Chapters Summarised............................................................................................. 42
............. 55 1. LABEL Your Confusion - Give it a Name, Give it a Catchphrase, Give it a Song
............................................... 63 2. The History Of Professional Bullshitting / PAFYAFFING
................................................... 65 3. Cracking Your D 'n' A Code Dreams 'n' Aspirations
........................................................ 68 4. The Two Trains of Thought Circle & Destination
....................................................................... 69 5. Mental GPS Follow Your Fascination
........................................................................ 77 6. Guessedge Knowledge In Progress
............................................................................................. 78 7. The Movie of Your Mind
............................................... 91 8. Observational Innovation Turning Jokes into Products
......................................... 95 9. Chasing the Unknown UNcommon KNowledge you OWN
10. Clintonian Metaphysics Redefine the World to Suit You............................................. 96
11. The Skys Not The Limit; Your Principles Are Upgrade Them! ...................................101
12. The Meshugganah Matrix..........................................................................................105
13. Editorial Licence & The Hippocritic Oath.....................................................................106
14. Parafrazing The Extreme Sport for Creative Thinkers...............................................110
15. Pop Song Poetry The Rehash Part of The Equation.................................................125
16. Reframe The Mundane Remix!ng the Melodies of Life..............................................130
17. 6 Branding Strategies Used in the ARTS: Any Rubbish That Sells ...............................134
18. Rhythmagination & Doodling to the Deadline..............................................................135
19. FOK-U: The Faade Of Kindness & Understanding.....................................................150
20. Measuring Your Mood Using R&D Therapy ................................................................158
21. Thought Accountancy Detect, Collect, Connect........................................................160
22. Misinterpreation Creativity by Denial & Error ............................................................162
23. Revealed: The 3 Types of DISILLUSION....................................................................163
24. How To Get Your Whacky Back.................................................................................168
25. Creative Anxieties & Disorders ..................................................................................170
26. Critics How To Use Them Constructively.................................................................173
27. Using Relationships as a Source of Inspiration ...........................................................176
28. Tapping Into The Collective Trashcan ........................................................................179
29. Finding The Niche Within Your Niche.........................................................................180
30. Schmoozing: The Proactive Approach to Getting Lucky...............................................183
31. Hysterical Accuracy The Art of Making Stuff Up .......................................................186
32. CapitaLIES On All Of Them....................................................................................187
Bibliography, Inspiration & Acknowledgements .................................................................188

Project Overview

Project Overview

Innovation, by tapping into the worlds most abundant natural resource - STUPIDITY:
? 4 O 4 w. m (
Confusion Internal dialogue Ideas Statement Creative expression Reward

Shit happens for a reason so we can write about it, sing about it and make products
that try to stop it happening.

Logical Stupidity is a formula for making stuff up.

Use it to create innovative products and services, to create original rich content and for
general inspiration and motivation.

Apply the formula by buying the e-book, visiting the website or attending a seminar.
You can also unleash your creative potential by watching a business school musical.

Included in the commercial e-book (this is the 20% free version):

For Business: 269 innovative products

For Showbiz: 61 songs, 80 short songs for you to finish, 451 comedy sketches, 300
stand-up shticks, 43 TV show pitches, 31 movie pitches, 602 cartoons, photo's &
illustrations

25 legislations to combat the latest offensive trends

18 new disorders to tap into and use as inspiration

217 inspiration devices that were directly responsible for all of the above

How do you interact with the e-book & website?

By using prescribed keywords, you find something youd like to design, sing, present,
act in or invest in, and then you JUST DO IT upload your version at
www.logicalstupidity.com. (See 16 reasons for getting involved.)

Its all about INNOVATION - sharing new ideas into existence, sharing profits, mutual
promotion, and auditioning for a stage show!

Or at the very least its about getting inspiration for your own projects.

Book Synopsis

Book Synopsis:

Logical Stupidity deals with the psychology, theory and practice of innovation.

The theory is based on a unique formula that converts stupidity, the worlds
most abundant natural resource, into creative energy.

By celebrating your dysfunctions rather than trying to cure them, Logical Stupidity
offers a unique style of creative therapy for managing thoughts, feelings, brand names
and relationships. *

By making up your own answers to everything that makes no sense to you, youre
heading into the unknown, claiming it as your own and creating something that never
existed before the essence of innovation.

This book helps you achieve the above by revealing how dysfunction, humour, fantasy
and professional bullshitting all play a vital role in the creation of ART Automatic
Radical Thoughts the essential ingredients of all 1878 projects in this book. You're
welcome to get involved by uploading your own versions at www.logicalstupidity.com
or, if nothing grabs you, then use the formula to create your own songs, movies,
artworks, products and services.

An in-depth look at how the universal idea factory works, this is an instruction manual
for using your internal dialogue as an inventing machine.

* This phrase is taken from Kjell Nordstrom professor at the
Institute of International Business.

He cites the feminisation of society as a key factor driving change. There is
this shift going on from West to East. Manufacturing, production, programming
will be in China and India. We will be left with managing thoughts, feelings,
brand names, relationships stuff that you cannot touch. Feminine attributes.

From: Be brave, be creative, be original and get down to funky business
an article in The Times by Jon Ashworth (Business/Finance Journalist of the
Year 2005).

Funky Business is by Kjell Nordstrom and Jonas Ridderstrale.

Back of the Book Blurb: IDEAS COME FROM COC-UPS

Back of the Book Blurb:
IDEAS COME FROM COC-UPS

? 4 O 4 w. m (
Confusion Internal dialogue Ideas Statement Creative expression Reward

We know that ideas can come from anywhere, but how do they select you as a target?
Is it by random chance or can you do something specific to cause 'gapcidents'?
(Happy accidents where stupidity collides with logic to form solutions & new ideas.)

Having just returned from a tour of the universal idea factory (3 years of navel
gazing), Im happy to report that there are 217 specific things you can do to get
ideas. They all involve navigating through nonsense and positioning yourself at the
Centre Of Confusion inside a Universal Problem - The COC-UP - where multiple fields
connect for you to claim the unknown, i.e.

IF YOURE OUT OF WHACK, YOURE RIGHT ON TRACK!

SO WHATS YOUR DYSFUNCTION? CRANK IT UP AND CAPITALISE ON IT!

How? Through R&D creative therapy youre going to Rehash & Disguise your
frustrations and sell them using different media. So instead of temper tantrums and
anxiety attacks youre going to hang up your hang-ups as art. Instead of ranting to
anyone wholl listen, youre going to set your misery to comedy & music and bitch
about it to the beat. Or if things arent how youd like them to be, then youre going to
bridge the gap by designing a gadget.

Since you cant find solutions unless you have problems, confusion, disillusion,
uncertainty, the unknown - stupidity - this is what were searching for.

Logical Stupidity is a mapbook with 217 ways to find unlikely places which is where
all the movies, products, pictures & songs in this book come from.

This book will open your mind to at least 3000 new possibilities

or your money back!

About the Author

About the Author

Peter Greenwall is a composer, songwriter, sound tech & errorthoughtical engineer.
He has no official credentials in making stuff up, which is why hes qualified to write a
book about making stuff up without any credentials. If you believe that solutions &
ideas can come from unlikely places then keep reading you dont get much more
unlikely than this guy.

www.logicalstupidity.com

(See for a slightly more professional CV.)

How To Use This E-book & What's In It For You

How To Use This E-book
& Whats In It For You

"SEARCH" the applicable keyword or symbol to navigate to your field of
interest.
(Press Ctrl+F or COMMAND+F on your keyboard and either copy & paste the
keyword or symbol into the Find box, or type the keyword in.)
(The numbers in brackets are the items in the Free-book, relative to the commercial
book.)

1) THE FORMULA FOR INNOVATION:
Use keyword sparx or search for O to find 41 of 217 inspiration devices.

Directed at: anyone who needs a catalyst for creation. That could be for solving a
problem, to cure writers block, to generate new ideas for new products & services or
just general motivation and opening your mind to new possibilities.
All devices were used to create the following:

2) NEW PRODUCTS keyword: produx (112 of 269)

Directed at: product developers, entrepreneurs, investors, marketers, R&D
departments. You can also search for sponsorship opportunities (87) using keyword
sponsor. This would be a product placement opportunity for your own products in
the upgraded ebook, website, stage show & movie.

3) COMEDY SKETCHES keyword: MMovies or m (67 of 451)
These are the meshugganah movies of my mind that now require your production,
so Im handing it over to you. Get together with fellow actors to produce and upload
your own version of my take.

Directed at: actors, directors, writers and moviemakers looking to develop new
material. Search for keyword dilog or to find short dialogues begging for you to
finish them your own way.

4) STAND UP COMEDY SHTICKS keyword: shtix or { (37 of 300)
These are monologues that act as links between sketches and songs.

Directed at: comedians, actors and presenters.
Learn a shtick then present it your way.
Youre also welcome to use them as audition monologues just quote the source!



5) COMPLETE SONGS keyword: lyrix (61)

Directed at: singers, songwriters, music producers, song agents, publishers,
managers and record companies.
45 songs are recorded, produced and ready to be downloaded.

Singers Download the vocal version, together with the backing track, then upload
your own version in your own unique style i.e. GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX!
Video yourself performing the song live from your bedroom, studio or at your gig.
You should also upload an mp3 file for a better quality recording.

Producers Redo any song however you like.

6) UNFINISHED SONGS keyword: 'ADDsong' or e. (11 of 80)
Find short attention span songs using the keyword.

Directed at: songwriters and producers looking for inspiration.
These are the seeds of new songs that you can either develop into 3-minute songs or
produce just as they are ADD or short attention span songs.

7) MOVIE IDEAS keyword: MoviePitch or w (10 of 31)

Directed at: moviemakers & producers.

8) TV SHOW IDEAS keyword: TVshow or . (5 of 41)

Directed at: TV producers, moviemakers and actors.
Shows will be broadcast directly from this website.



9) GRAPHIC ART, PRODUCT DESIGN, CARTOONS & PHOTOS (24 of 602)
Use keyword PiX to find all pictures that require your production.
More specifically search for:
> = cartoon required.
'grafix' = computer graphic required.
= photo required.
= pic from my collection. Use as inspiration to create your own version.
= pic from the web that serves as an example. Use it as inspiration. If I know the
source, I use a direct link to the authors web site. If I dont know who the author is, I
use keywords and you need to find the images yourself:
Copy and paste the keywords Ive provided into the images section of Google to refer
to the picture e.g. inserting leapdog into Google images brings up multiple images
of a sheepdog jumping over a sheep, leapfrog style.
If you own this picture then this would be an opportunity to add a direct link to your
site in future editions of this e-book.
= Instead of a bibliography at the end, Ive inserted citations in the body of the
text so you can instantly click on links or insert keywords into search engines.
m = all movie clips are also photo opportunities.

10) NEW LAWS keyword: newrule (2 of 25)

Directed at: governments and citizens in the interest of making the world a better
place.

11) NEW DISORDERS keyword: new disorder (15 of 18)

Directed at: myself mostly, because I have all of them, but you may want to check to
see if you have any of these disorders caused by various creative issues. Why?
Once you know you have them you can get them to work for you. How so?

IF YOURE OUT OF WHACK YOURE RIGHT ON TRACK!

Other Keywords You May Want to Search For

Other Keywords
You May Want to Search For

Law / legal / principles (250)
Universe / existential / metaphysical / internal dialogue (231)
God / Religion (157)
Celeb / Heat Magazine / gossip / Big Brother (135)
Marketing / branding (116)
Global Warming / climate crisis (89)
Simpsons (84)
Just4Jews Jewish humour (75)
Schmoozing / networking (60)
Larry David / Seinfeld / CYE (47)
Fart (39)
Terror /ism (32)
Leader /ship (30)
Einstein (16)
Evel Kneidel The halachically incorrect Jewish stuntman (21)

Also see TV shows cited and Companies cited as examples of innovation (in
the bibliography section).

Glossary

Glossary

Navigation through nonsense (Errorthoughtical Space Travel) involves travelling into
unknown territory of our thoughtmosphere, which can only be done through a glossary
of new words. As this is both confusing and dangerous, please read the warning
before continuing:

errorthoughtical space travel WARNING

Navigating through nonsense is a fast and thrilling ride requiring courage,
stupidity and your own SPQV: Self-Propelled Question Vehicle.

If youre sane, or suspect you might be sane, you should not ride.

The SPQV is powered by curiosity, a fuel made by burning aspiration and
emotion that splits your thoughts to create emotional instability. If you have
clearly defined principles, or you know how the universe works,
you should not ride.

Be aware that as we enter undiscovered territories of insight, bright flashes of
brilliance will definitely occur.

You should also be aware that while inner space travel is just as fascinating as
outer space travelling, it's also just as dangerous - things can go horribly wrong
on re-entry back to the physical world and should you make it,
everything will be different.

For up-to-date travel information, read Chapter 9: Chasing the Unknown.

Please secure all loose thoughts and feelings as the management will not be
held responsible for any loss or damage to your current belief system.

No eating or drinking.

Enjoy the ride.

Glossary

Glossary of Logical Stupidity Buzzwords

Acrobuzzanym: an acronym thats also a pronounceable buzzword e.g. FABOL
Fashionable Adjective Based On Lifestyle.

ANOID (new disorder): Absolutely Nowhere as a result of an Overactive Imagination
Disorder.

ANSWER: that which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R.
The chasing of this unknown causes the flow of information & new ideas to happen.

Artificial Inseminovation: used for those whod like to have ideas but cant.

ARTS: Any Rubbish That Sells.

ASOWL TAX: Altruistic Sense Of Wellbeing & Love TAX (Carbon Offset Tax).
A system of throwing money at the problem to make you feel less guilty about
destroying the planet (produx).

BackWord Thinking: a thinking style that uses words taken from the way things are
and how youve always done them. The opposite would be ForWord Thinking
using words taken from the way youd like things to be. Both styles are essential for
the Meshugganah Matrix to work.

BIAS: Belief In A Solution.

Blockaphobia (new disorder): fear of writer's block.

Breaking Muse: the latest inspiring mystery, which could come from any source
news, movies, reality TV, text, e-mail forward, a media spectacle, facebook, etc.
Whatever the source its usually addictive, which is why youve become an infomaniac.

BS: Believable Story, Belief System, Business Strategy, Better Suggestion, Bum Suck.

Buzzkeys: new products derived by combining buzzwords and / or keywords e.g.
Yogalingus a workout for your mind, body & tongue (produx).
Cockalabradoodle new crossbreed.
Bullshit combination of a bulldog and shitsu.
Wrestleblading wrestling and rollerblading (produx).
Riggling wrestling thats so obviously rigged its been choreographed to
music. Not only that, its combined with flamingo wrestling, so you have hot
abes wrestling with each other in oil in time to the music (produx). b
Fongo drumming combination of finger and bongo drumming (produx).
Acrobuzzanym acronyms and buzzwords combined e.g. FABOL
Fashionable Adjective Based On Lifestyle.
(Also see Tradels & Pop Song Poetry.)

Glossary


Careography: choreographed caring essential for leaders who need to turn a crisis
into an opportunity. See FOK-U: Faade Of Kindness & Understanding.

Celebritunity: business opportunity created by celebrities e.g. The PoshUp Bra.
See Chart 2 for more examples.

CEWTBL (pronounced suitable): Common Experience Waiting To Be Labelled.

Example 1: OOPS I notice my penis shrivels up when it gets cold. Is this a
CEWTBL? YES! Its so common that Seinfeld called it Shrinkage.

Example 2: While watching a movie you see an actor that you know youve seen
in something else, but you dont know his name or the other thing hes been in.
Is this a CEWTBL? If so, then label it e.g. UFA Unidentified Familiar Actor.

Example 3: OOPS The guy I'm living with is not the same guy who used to
chase me with chocolates and flowers, teach me tennis and generally sweep me
off my feet. Now he never wants to go anywhere or do anything fun. Is this a
CEWTBL? Yes, but its already been labelled by Dr Phil The Bait & Switch, so
now you have to rename it by writing a song, which is how I came up with the
song Hes Only a Man.

Clintonian Metaphysics: the act of redefining reality to suit yourself. Named after
Bill Clinton who did not have sexual relations with that woman but found an alternative
use for a cigar. This is exactly how innovation happens!
All thats left is to name your new invention:
The Cigarildo

the executive privilege toy [see book for details on other execs
toys].

Other examples:
This is not a bribe. This is me taking you to lunch.
This is not the government lying to the public this is doing whats best for the
national interest.
Im not fat. Ive overcome my battle with anorexia.

COCK-UP: Collection Of Common Knowledge & Universal Problems.

COC-UP: Centre Of Controversy inside Unipersonal Problems.

Comedianism: a religion designed to convert knowledge into guessedge i.e. to
subvert everything sacred & proven in order to see the funny side of everything and
discover new places, products & movies.

Contexporting: exporting content into another context.

CopyOScomy: the process of adopting an operating system and adapting it to suit
yourself.

Glossary

Crisatunity: opportunities created by crisis e.g.

Crisis: Global Warming
Opportunity 1: show how green you are by paying carbon offset tax or ASOWL
TAX: Altruistic Sense Of Wellbeing & Love TAX: A system of throwing money at
the problem to make you feel less guilty about destroying the planet (produx).
Opportunity 2: POO TAX Personal Ozone Offset Tax: A system of taxing
individuals according to the amount of ozone theyre destroying, rather than
unilateral taxing.
e.g. POO meters in aeroplane seats could measure the level to which individuals
are destroying the ozone. That would be displayed on a meter above your seat
and you could be charged accordingly (produx).
Opportunity 3: The Batterari a battery powered, ego friendly, hybrid sports
car (produx).

Crisis: Racism
Opportunity 1: a concession stand at a rock concert encouraging people to
Bungee Jump Against Racism (produx).
Opportunity 2: Crash the movie.

Crisis: Foxhunting its cruel to kill foxes.
Opportunity: Foxpaint even the multicoloured foxes are happy (produx).
Paintball combines with foxhunting to solve the foxhunting dilemma.

Crisis: Hurricane Katrina
Opportunity: step right up folks the tour of Americas greatest catastrophe.

Critophobia (new disorder): fear of criticism of any sort.

D 'n' A: Dreams 'n' Aspirations that have to be encoded to find your purpose.

DuMBLBIT DILEMMA: Does My Bum Look Big In This?
The solution has been found buy the book to find out what it is.

EAD: Easily Amused Disorder this is only a disorder from the perspective of other
people whod like you to curb your enthusiasm. You, however, experience the
sensation of living in a sitcom where youre the star of the show!

Editorial Licence: licence granted to news editors, scriptwriters and authors of
content to lie or tell the truth, whichever is more interesting. In accordance with the
principles of the Hippocritic Oath you may:
1) Compare the incomparable
2) Challenge your subject by questioning motives and tearing down dreams
3) Provide worst-case scenarios
4) GO MAAD: Use any Multiple Angle Attack Device
5) Ask rhetorical questions and split as many hairs as you like
6) Cherry-pick your edited highlights
7) Or use any other device in keeping with the good faith of the
Hippocritic Oath.

Glossary

EOX!: Eye Opening Experience; the big EUREKA!

Errorthoughtical Space Travel: travelling through the inner space of your mind
that happens by combining pseudo with science, or fantasy with fact, to create
factasies: the act of riding rumours or jumping on your own conclusions based on little
evidence in order to find unexplored territory.

Evel Kneidel: Jewish stuntman who performs halachically incorrect stunts. Youll
have to buy the book to see what they are.

Existential Innovation: the act of bringing new things into existence by trying to
find the meaning of life, not being able to, but building something with your subjective
conclusion anyway.

Name: Existential Innovation.
Catchphrase: If it doesnt exist make it!
Song: X! Involves jumping on assumptions based on very little evidence and
riding them all the way:

e.g. OOPS: Why does David Letterman mock Dr Phil for pulling advice out of his
arse but not Steven Spielberg for doing the same thing with his ideas?

Conclusion: Im jumping to (based on this hairline of evidence): Its expected
in the movie biz - not in the psychology biz.

Riding this conclusion all the way:
Whether youre giving advice, writing a script, business plan, mortgage deal,
psychological disorder, pop song, press release, scientific theory, whatever
they all involve the same creative process:
taking ownership of the mysterious unknown, the gift with which you can do
anything you like. For example, this phenomenon of Pulling Advice From Your
Ass(pirations) For FINancial Gain is called PAFYAFFING.

Once youve dreamed up a name, nature works in mysterious ways as you
start fabricating a story to explain your name, the evidence magically presents
itself, to the point where the name brings the product into existence.

FABOL: Fashionable Adjective Based On Lifestyle.
Why add value when all you need is an adjective?
e.g. By hopping on the green bandwagon you can sell anything: Dolphin friendly cars,
eco-friendly movies, ego-friendly hybrid sports cars, organic cellphones, biodegradable
computers, carbon neutral Sky TV, green British Gas, fairtrade perfume or fairtrade
lesbian pornography where all actresses were paid a minimum of $1000 per scene,
so no exploitation going on here.
[Some of these are already happening see if you can guess which ones.]

FFAF: celebrities Famous For Absolutely Fluffall.
In contrast to role models who live out dreams that we couldnt possibly hope to
achieve, FFAFs live out our most cringe worthy nightmares so we dont have to. Their
role is clear: to serve as warning beacons and to make complete twats of themselves
in public for our entertainment pleasure.

Glossary


FFAF Disorder (new disorder): the opposite of FOBAN is FFAF Disorder, experienced
by those whove become famous or who want to be famous for reasons unrelated to
their inherent talent. Since the fame is based entirely on external approval, sufferers
feel their fame could disappear at any stage, which is why they feel the need to
constantly seek attention.

FIB: Fill In Blanks.

FIBing: the act of Filling In Blanks to explain the unexplainable with Believable
Stories, Belief Systems, Business Strategies and various other Bum Sucks collectively
known as BS.

Flexigram: a word, phrase or picture that connects your idea to the idea you need to
connect to. For example:
Wantasee: that which you wantasee.
Guessedge: knowledge in progress.
Chocorette: chocolate substitute for those trying to quit.
$: London Stock Exchange.
Nateral Thinking: thinking thats automatically lateral, which is why you dont
have to think about it. So dont.

FOBAN (new disorder): Fear Of Being A Nobody.

FOK-U: The Faade Of Kindness & Understanding.
An essential attitude for effective leadership, marketing and product innovation.
(See Chart 3 for examples.)

ForWord Thinking: using words taken from the way youd like things to be. As
opposed to BackWord Thinking using words taken from the way things are and
how youve always done them. Both thinking styles are essential for the Meshugganah
Matrix to work.

Gapcident: the point where logic collides with stupidity to bridge the gap. Theyre
caused by accidents and crises that always lead to confusion, followed by new ideas.

Guessedge: knowledge under construction; inner knowledge created by the
rehashing & disguising of information rushing in to fill the knowledge vacuum.

Guessedge is uploaded back to the thoughtmosphere by way of self-expression
e.g. personal opinion, blog, photograph, cartoon, song, movie, graffiti, dance,
etc.

When your guessedge is believable, ordinary bullshit turns into professional
bullshit and your crazy ideas start to sound not so crazy anymore as they turn
into marketable products.

This is the magical moment when dreams become reality, when the
metaphysical turns into the physical, when subjectivity turns to objectivity and
when guessedge turns into knowledge to bring about new realities.

Glossary


Hippocritic Oath: the oath undertaken by all artists and authors. I promise:
1) To make as much money as I possibly can.
2) To pretend to follow some higher aspiration.
3) To be thoroughly entertaining as I reveal the true colours of my chosen
subject.

By taking the oath I am allowed to lie or tell the truth whichever satisfies the above
criteria. See Editorial Licence.

Hysterical Accuracy: the creative device of prioritising interesting over factual,
as used in movies that carry the disclaimer: some of the characters' names and
certain locations and events have been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.

IDIOTS: Institutions for Decisions Involving Organisation & Temporary Solutions.
IDIOTS rule the planet.

Insanity Quotient (IQ): level to which youre doing something so original youre
considered insane. IQ is driven by obsessive passion following.

Inspirageology: the study of inspiration and imagination. The study asks and
answers the following questions:
1) Who or what is providing the stimulus thats creating everything?
2) How does information flow from a stimulus to a receiver?
3) How does information from the past connect with information from the
future?
4) How and why do you act as a medium for unrelated ideas to connect to
form new ideas?
5) How do you play your part in designing the future?

i.e. How exactly does the creative process work?

Inspiraygialism: the art of copying other peoples ideas in such a way that nobody
notices; the rehashing and disguising of existing ideas so that they lead to way better
ideas your own; the direct result of evolution merging with incremental innovation.

Interpreation: creative interpretation where a new message is found in translation.
See 'Misinterpreation.

KICK: Keep It Complex Klutz essential for Simplexity: the art of keeping things
complex enough to make you an authority, yet simple enough to understand.

Knowledge Vacuum: confusing situation brought on by an OOPS: Observation Of
Pure Stupidity. See Osknowsis.

Lashonhafreude: the intense pleasure taken from embellishing and spreading
gossip. (Hebrew & German origin.)

Glossary


Logical Stupidity: "Logical Stupidity" is a formula for innovation that converts
stupidity, the worlds most abundant resource, into creative energy.
By defining stupidity as the difference between what other people are doing and what
you think is a better idea, you create a highly volatile fuel that drives innovation.

Your desire to narrow the gap between how things are and how youd like them to be
not only drives innovation, it also drives you crazy. Use your craziness and youre
tapping into the same formula running our luniverse, where opposite extremes are
part of the same process:

Nonsense: that which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R

Vs.

Logic: that which makes sense TO YOU i.e. the ANSWER

The answer can always be found in the nonsense-revealing question e.g. nonsense
to Homer Simpson: Why does everything I whip keep leaving me?
Or nonsense discovered at Intel: Why are we using men in spacesuits to build
microchips? What if we used robots? Couldnt we shrink the size of the chip, improve
overall performance and increase production? ANSWER yes!

Both the logical and the stupid are included in the formula since opposing forces are
part of the creative process. To see both sides you have to zoom a little further out,
to the point where you observe harmonious dysfunction or the workable cock-up
e.g.

News report: Farting cows are blowing holes through the ozone faster than CO2
emissions from cars. What does this mean? MacDonalds, by taking out the
cows, are actually doing their bit to save the planet. And you can help by
eating more burgers!

This is logical stupidity on level one: idiotic humour. But its from this vantage point
that youre able to see real solutions to real problems e.g. the use of methane gas as
a source of energy to run trains, which is already happening.

Or if youre a scriptwriter you might see an opportunity to create an animated global
warming awareness movie where a herd of cows take over the world using their fart
powerin Cattlestar Ballactica.

This is logical stupidity in action, where humour plays a vital part of the creative
process.

LOITGAN (new disorder): Lots Of Ideas That Go Absolutely Nowhere.

Glossary


MADD (new disorder): Musical Attention Deficit Disorder.

Meshugganah Matrix: inspiration device designed to bridge the gap between your
crazy ideas and what the market wants.

It works by splitting your thoughts in relation to a specific problem so you can
break things down to make more things up.

Just as splitting atoms creates nuclear energy, splitting thoughts creates
thought volatility, or logical stupidity, which is the fuel required to propel your
SPQV (Self-Propelled Question Vehicle) through the thoughtmosphere.
The Meshugganah Matrix splits your thoughts by using both ForWord and
BackWord thinking. Why would you need to think BackWords? To complicate
things deliberately.

For example:
Youve got your tagline, now you need the business plan.
Youve got an idea for a comedy sketch, but it has to fill 22 minutes of airtime.
Youve got your punch line, now you need the joke.
Youve got the title of your song, now you need the verse & chorus.
Youve got the title of your book, now you need the chapters & buzzwords.
Youve got your verdict / foregone conclusion, now you need to make the case.
Youve got your sound bite or headline, now you need to write the article.
Youve got your universal theory, now you need to gather more evidence.
Youve made your point, now you need to shut up and prove it.

The matrix doesnt only generate new ideas but connects all the ideas you
already have on file by using the KICK principle: Keep It Complex Klutz.
Why? Because theres no money in simplicity!

Thats why it takes a 70-page contract just to say dont rip me off.
Thats why it takes an entire bible to pad out The Ten Commandments.
Thats why it takes a whole newspaper to pad out the events of the day even if
nothing much happened.
Thats why it takes an entire episode of CSI to solve a murder mystery.
Thats why it takes a self-help seminar just to say: Get your shit together.
This is why it took my therapist 2 years and 4000 to figure out that I have
serious issues with my mother. I could have told her that myself.
Thats why it took 320 pages for Edward Debono to describe how to keep it
simple, in his book called: Simplicity.

Pure genius, all of it.

Why does it happen? Because there is no money in simplicity.

How does it happen? Simple. Keep it Complex, using Simplexity.

Glossary

Metafriction: metaphysical friction caused by ART: Automatic Reverse Thinking i.e.
for every thought theres an equal and opposite thought.

Just as physical friction is required for human reproduction, metaphysical friction is
required for idea reproduction. (See Paradox of Entertainment for further
explanation.)

Examples of metafriction:

1) Humour always revolves around problems, nightmares and dysfunction
e.g. Simpsons, My Name Is Earl, Malcolm in the Middle, Little Miss Sunshine,
CNN and other tragically funny black comedies.

2) Comedy to you is offensive to someone else e.g. Borats victims.

3) As dangerous and as hurtful as it is to laugh at other peoples crazy
thoughts, beliefs and actions, they also make the funniest jokes.

4) As dangerous and hurtful as rumours are, theyre just as much fun to
spread.

5) Private, embarrassing information, once released = hysterical information.
For example, you wouldnt tell anyone that you once called down to
reception to complain that the lesbian porn channel wasnt working, would
you? Thats just embarrassing.

6) You can eat any fruit in the Garden of Eden except the apple.
So what does Adam do?

7) Reverse psychology.

8) Your mother may have been overjoyed about your birth, but you were so
furious you screamed your head off.

9) The people you love the most also hurt you the most.

10) Other peoples good fortune is upsetting Larry David, explaining the title
of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And conversely:

11) Other peoples nightmares are joy for the news business:
Murdered Lawyers Fiance: My Grief The Evening Standard - 29/11/06
The mind of a killer (Seung-Hui Cho) Newsweek, April 30 /07
Mothers anguish as toddler abducted from holiday resort - May 07
Maddy died in hotel room - police Evening Standard - 7/8/07
Britney in Crisis Heat Magazine - October 07

12) You cant find solutions unless you have problems and you cant generate
more problems unless youre confident youve found the solution!

13) There can be no good without evil, no triumph without adversity, no life
without death, no success without failure, no hits without flops, no
innovative solutions without problems and no logic without stupidity.
(Now do you get the title of the book?)

Glossary


Misinterpreation: caused by denial and error which leads to missing the point
entirely and ending up in a way more interesting place than the intended message.
Can also have destructive consequences. There are 12 factors causing it, one of them
being Punlexia.

MUSAFID (new disorder): Making Up Stupid Acronyms For Invented Disorders.

Mystonomy: the practice of labelling your confusion in order to make it feel normal;
the practice of converting personal problems into products.

Long answer: mystonomy, the taxonomy of mysteries the science of
identifying, classifying and labelling confusion to make it feel normal. It works
by creating awareness: once youve got a name, it becomes easier to manage
because thats the only way others have a chance to identify with the same
experience.

And once you create a group of sufferers all bitching about the same thing,
youve got safety in numbers, which leads to an exponential catch-on because
theres no better way to deal with misery than spreading it around a bit.

Examples:

Why do I feel the need to chase supermodels and buy sports cars even
though Im married with kids? Thats a mid-life crisis.
How do we make it cool to be old? 40 is the new 20.
Why do I feel depressed? Thats depression.
How come I dont fall off the planet? Thats gravity.
Why am I thoroughly bored at work? Thats boreout, discovered and tagged
by Peter Werder.
Why does my penis shrink when it gets cold? Thats shrinkage, by Jerry
Seinfeld.
Why dont we have better-looking hybrid cars? We do now: The Batterari
by me.

This brings up the point of why mystonomy is an innovation tool. When you
reach a point where there are no answers, or youre not satisfied with the
answers that exist invent your own!

Nateral Thinking: lateral is natural. Without thinking we have the ability to
assemble information from multiple sources. Natural Thinking happens by
Osknowsis.

Glossary


Observational Innovation: the practice of turning punch lines into taglines i.e.
observations into innovative products.

With observational humour, the comedy comes from reflecting reality e.g.
have you tried dating online? Ever notice how all 3 pictures of your fantasy
partner look nothing like the one you meet?
Thats your OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity i.e. you are reflecting
reality.

With observation innovation you go one step further and actually change reality
by doing something about your observation you invent a product that solves
the problem:
Introducing FutureFoto what your Internet date will actually look like.

Turns out that the difference between humour and innovation is simply a matter
of functionality: does the joke product work? If it does, your punch line
becomes a product that will make you laugh all the way to the bank.

OI (new disorder): Overactive Imagination.

OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity the first step of the innovation process. These
are questions triggered by that which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R and
which contain the answer to everything.

For example:
Why do people walk backwards in horror movies?
Whats the speed of dark?
Whats that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?
If this ain't love, why does it feel so good?
How does the creative process work?
Why are we using men dressed in spacesuits to build microchips? What if we
used robots? Couldnt we shrink the size of the chip, improve overall
performance and increase production? (Questions asked by engineers at Intel.)

Osknowsis: the flow of information from a high concentration (everything you know)
to a low concentration (confusion).

If the flow is sudden youll experience the sensation of laughing caused by an
EOX! (Eye Opening Experience).

Its triggered by Gapcidents (accidents that lead to the discovery of solutions)
and by searching for answers to that which makes Absolutely No Sense
Whatso Ev R i.e. THE ANSWER.

By staying curious you constantly create multiple knowledge vacuums or
Observations Of Pure Stupidity (the OOPS) into which thoughts from different
fields have no choice but to flow and connect, to form new ideas, which are
hybrid molecules of information that are no longer equal to the sum of their
parts.

Glossary


Paradox Of Entertainment: were drawn towards the DANGEROUS:
Disgusting Addictive Natural Gruesome Eccentric Risky Offensive Unique Sad.

Examples:

1) Oh my god, that is sick, disgusting, twisted and offensive I love it!
2) E-mail forwards are nothing but a waste of time; a total abuse of bandwidth;
keep em coming!

3) This booger from my nose is a fascinating design. If it were an e-mail
attachment I would forward it to everyone on my list.

4) Das Crazy Sex Show?! Other peoples perverted sex lives are apparently
fascinating.

5) Double car pileup on the highway you just cant look away.

6) A deadly virus magnified is a magnificent artwork of nature.

7) You cant have a hero without a disaster. (Just like you cant have war movies
without wars.)

AIDS is the subject of award-winning films, TV shows and musicals.

If the Titanic never sank it wouldnt have been turned into the highest grossing
movie of all time.

If 9/11 didnt happen, if school kids didnt murder their classmates at school, if
the American healthcare system wasnt a mess, political heros couldnt emerge
to save the day and documentary makers like Michael Moore wouldnt have any
material to work with.

Ditto for movies dealing with war & genocide that all go under entertainment.

8) The subject matter of blockbuster movies: volcanos, tsunamis, fires, meteor
collisions, earthquakes, as well as man-made chaos: violence, racism,
corruption, family dysfunction.

9) The subject matter of popular news headlines: business, political, sex and
showbiz scandals.

10) The subject matter of reality TV shows.

Parafrazing: the extreme sport that involves jumping on a bandwagon, adding wings
and flying it your own way. (See Chart 2 for examples.)

Glossary


Perfect Question: any question leading to answers that make Absolutely No Sense
Whatso Ev R. Its perfect because from this point youre free to start coming up with
your own answers.

Signs that youve asked the Perfect Question:

Thats a good question, Ill come back to that.
I dont know.
Its too early to say.
We dont know yet.
Thats classified information / executive privilege.
I could tell you but Id have to kill you.
Its not my place to answer that question.
No comment.
Shut your face.
Thats all we have time for Im afraid this press conference is over.
I need to pee.
We have to go to news & travel but stay on the line.
Its all in my book.
[ C ] (No words at all; just a stunned silence, followed by a change of topic.)

PIFYAFFING: Pulling Ideas From Your Asspirations For FINancial Gain. Also known
as PAFYAFFING: Pulling Advice From Your Asspirations For FINancial Gain.

THE 7 HABITS OF PAFYAFFERS / PROFESSIONAL BULLSHITTERS:

Chase that which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R: The ANSWER.

Own the Unknown: make up your own answers and you capitalise on
confusion.

Simplicate: keep it complex enough to be an authority and simple enough to
be understood.

Parafraze (= R&D = Rehash & Disguise) i.e. jump on a bandwagon, add
wings & fly it your own way.

Know your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.

Schmooze: get people to like you so you can flirt for information.

Pose like a hero/pretend you care: the Faade Of Kindness &
Understanding (FOK-U).

Pole Splitting Question: questions designed to make you answer yes or no so that
youll instantly get an opinion. Once that happens youre more likely to click a
banner ad and make a purchase e.g.

Should Harry go to Iraq?
Did Heather marry Paul for money?
Are you bored with the climate crisis?

Yes or no? Click here and win a plasma TV.

Glossary


Pop Song Poetry: a device to help you create new songs and products by combining
2 or more samples from your favourite influences. Heres how it works:

1) Cut 'n' Paste words from your target influences onto cards.
2) Shuffle the cards, throw them on your desk, read them as they lie and
lie about them as you read.

As you lie about them, you automatically add yourself to the mix:

Applied to songwriting you could take one bum from shake ya bum bum, or
touch my bum, the hey from Hey Jude or Hey Macarena, the moon in June
or a together forever from wherever, roll it all into one, like a new improved
mortgage deal, and then:

WOAH OOH WOAH OOH WOAH OOH WHATEVER
WHATEVER I'M GOING ON ABOUT

BOOM SHICKI BUM BUM SHICKI BUM BUM
IS POP SONG SONG POETRY
EVERYBODY HEART LOVE I NEED YOU THE GIRL
DREAM KISS TOGETHER FOREVER
YOU DONT LOVE ME LIKE I DO OOH OOH

Two types of inventions are possible using PSP: Buzzkeys and Tradels.

Punlexia (new disorder): an auditory processing disorder where the brain searches
for alternative meanings instead of trying to understand the intended meaning. This
often results in a person being accused of not listening properly. Theres no cure, but
since its a highly creative disorder you wouldnt want one anyway. Just follow the
accident. When it comes to playing with words, youre a phonetic, so follow the songs
and sounds in your head wherever they take you. When your Punlexia impairs your
ability to focus, then follow the spontenudity. By discovering new words, youre also
discovering new destinations in our thoughtmosphere, which can then be turned into:

Songs: I got soul but Im not a soldier The Killers
Taglines: Girls just want to have funds Jupiter Asset Management
Newspapers: Vujade News ahead of its time (See section)
Products: The Posh Up Bra coined by the Sun Newspaper (produx)
Products: Jillette, because you like it shaved and wet (What? Its a new
waterproof razor - produx)
Pop Bands: The Showeroke Girls now auditioning: www.logicalstupidity.com
(produx)

This is a permanent fatal error. May the grim rapper take you on a wild
inventure to find your ERRORGENIUS ZONE.

Glossary

Queue of Indecision: the queue that you stand in all by yourself for as long as it
takes for you to make your mind up about anything. What keeps you standing in this
queue? Freedom of choice and weighing up multiple options:

TOO MANY CHOICES WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NONE
AND YOULL FORGET WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO DO
TOO MANY VOICES IN YOUR HEAD WHO DO YOU FOLLOW?
DONT MIND ME, IM JUST WONDERING THROUGH

(See commercial e-book for a 6-page Larry David style comedy sketch, set in the
small electrical appliances section of a large department store starring me drowning
in a sea of multiple options while trying to buy a kettle.)

R&D Therapy: creative therapy that involves the Research & Development of your
mind. R&D also involves the Rehashing and Disguising of your dysfunctions by
transferring them into a different medium. So instead of them manifesting as temper
tantrums and antisocial behaviour, you explore alternative creative options and

1) Write them off as scripts for movies.
2) Hang up your hang-ups as artworks.
3) Set your misery to music bitch about it to the beat.
4) Develop a product bridge the gap with a gadget.

I.E. IF YOURE OUT OF WHACK YOURE RIGHT ON TRACK!

R&D therapy doesnt try to fix your dysfunctions because theyre not supposed to be
fixed. This is natures way of creating the luniverse. How do I know for sure?
Well who do you know that isnt just a little bit whacked out in some way? Exactly.

Were all Fluffed In The Head (FITH principle of psychology) but not in the same
way:

The slight difference is known as your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique
Blessing In Disguise.

The objective of R&D therapy is to find them and make them work for you.

Religitunity: business opportunity created by religion. For example:

- Kabbalah: red string bracelets or holy spring water for 3 a pop.
- Kabbelah Cookies With philosophy from the Zohar.
- Falafelosophy Jewish philosophy scrolls inside Falafels.
- Cheryl the Shikse All your Shabbes needs taken care of by Cheryl the
Shapely Shikse.
- Traifish Our GM shellfish have fins & scales and whats more, we fed
them on our farm, so theyre not scavengers. That means oysters, mussels,
prawns & crayfish ALL KOSHER!

See Chart 2 for more examples.

Glossary

RIGS: Random Idea Generating Situations where all ideas come from.

Rythmagination: state of mental freedom where you allow your mind to flow in the
direction it wants to go in order to make up for what isnt there.
Essential for taking ownership of the unknown. (YOU OWN THE UNKNOWN.)

Sell de Junk: an everyday object that manages to find a market through the ARTS:
Any Rubbish That Sells. A Sell de Junk is a sound-alike of its pioneer, Marcelle
Duchamp, who transplanted a urinal from the mens loo into an art gallery and called it
The Fountain, not only proving that anything is art, but also that: You can't polish a
turd, but you can frame it, call it something else and put a price tag on it.

Simplexity: the art of keeping things complex enough to make you an authority,
yet simple enough to understand. It works by the KICK principle:

KICK: Keep It Complex Klutz
If you think the best ideas are the simplest, you simply havent read the terms &
conditions or the business plan. The big money comes from complicating very simple
ideas. People in the advice business have already figured this one out:

How much could a consultant or lawyer make from telling you just to
do nothing? Even if its the right advice, it would still have to be broken
down into 2 pages to be worth 1000.
How long would a golf pro stay in business if his professional assessment of
your swing was: youre shit? It may well be accurate, but to be worth
anything it would have to be broken down into an hours worth of advice.
Lets say you were a doctor and I was running a seminar with the title:
Should you turn your practice into a limited company? How could I charge
300 if all I said was no, definitely not? Again, nothing wrong with my
answer; it would just need to take me at least 3 hours to get there.
Douglas Adams concludes that the meaning of life is 42 and nobody has a
problem with that. Why? Because his answer is attached to a book and
movies worth of highly entertaining explanation.

How does it all work? Simple. By complication. And it all happens by way of
THE MESHUGGANAH MATRIX. Now off you go to read about that one.

SKIL: Specialised Knowledge of Intuitive Leadership.
In the same way that you cant explain how you have access to common knowledge,
you also cant explain how you have access to your private knowledge or SKIL.

On the top end of the SKIL spectrum you have geniuses who compose
symphonies and build atom bombs and space shuttles. On the other end you
have idiot savants who can barely read, write or learn and yet can calculate
numbers rapidly and figure out what day Chanukah falls in 2040. Regular idiots
can run powerful countries without ever being taught how to do this. How
exactly do they know what they know? The same way that only you know how
to do what you do best, because of the SKIL youve taught yourself.

Glossary

SPQV: Self-Propelled Question Vehicle required for travelling through inner space.

The SPQV is powered by curiosity, a fuel made by burning aspiration and emotion that
splits your thoughts to create emotional instability. You steer your vehicle by asking 3
questions:

1) What do I know?
2) What dont I know?
And the big moneymaking question:
3) What will nobody ever know?

These questions will take you to a place in the thoughtmosphere where nobody
knows better than you, and from here youre free to start coming up with your
own answers. How do you know when you get there? See Perfect Question.
And where exactly are you going? To planet SCLITMOH:

SCLITMOH: Sources Conveniently Lost In The Mist Of History.
To become an authority on any subject, all you need to do is break the argument at a
point where nobody could possible know what happened. This means going back to
any point in time from when you started reading this sentence to any point in history
that doesnt quite make sense to you. Like the year zero: how did the abacus and
sundial manage to survive the switchover from BC to AD? Wasnt there any Y Zero K
concern that dinosaurs or whatever would fall out the sky? What made the birth of
Jesus significant enough to start a new global calendar? He hadnt done anything yet!
Shouldnt we have started counting the years after, say, his 3
rd
miracle? And why
didnt we start recounting when others performed even bigger miracles? The oil in the
temple was only supposed to last for a day and it lasted for 8. Or how about Moses
parting the Dead Sea? That must have been worthy of a calendar restart, surely. The
Jewish calendar could quite easily have set the global standard. So why didnt it?
Are there any other celebrity birthdays we should be celebrating with a festive season?
David Blaine was in that block of ice for, what, 3 days? And that must have been like
his 10
th
miracle or something. The Beatles performed all kinds of miracles, like selling
more albums than any other band in history. Maybe John Lennon was right and the
Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but does that make him calendar worthy? How about
Aby Titmuss? Shes famous for what exactly? Thats a miracle. We could be wishing
each other an Aby Titmuss every February the 8
th
. We wouldnt even have to change
the tune: I wish you were Aby Titmuss but fat free with beer.

You see how this works? Once you arrive on the metaphysical planet of
SCLITMOH, youre free to start inventing any story you like, because on this
planet nobody knows for sure. As long as we dont know where we come from,
there will always be a planet SCLITMOH.

SCLITMOH and MIF (Mysterious Invisible Forces) together make up the
metaphysical connective tissue between all thoughts of humans, dead or alive,
as well as plants, animals and things we dont even know about, because
theyre on distant galaxies where space, time, gravity and words dont exist.
Even thoughts from the origin of the luniverse are still in orbit in our
thoughtmosphere. Humans are not the only things capable of thinking. In fact,
one of those things accidentally thought of this particular luniverse, which is
why were here.

Glossary


STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.

Were all a bit @$% in the head; its just a matter of how. The slight difference
between us is what makes up our STUBID. That blessing in disguise is the unique way
in which only you can make connections or screw things up:

On being asked if you take this woman to be your wife, you say: Computer says
no.
At a cellphone shop you ask if a Bluetooth headset will work with your Blackberry.
You go for anal bleaching because you only get one chance to make a first
impression.
On the menu of a restaurant called Taiping, you just have to scribble 40p per
page.
At an Indian restaurant you order the chicken cumin just so you can ask the waiter
not to put so much cum in.
For some peculiar reason, you see traffic lights as smiley faces, so you have to fill
them in.

All these basic malfunctions are a huge part of the creative process so best you
start paying attention to exactly what kind of nutcase you are. For those who need
a little help, R&D therapy has been designed to locate your particular blessing, and
channel it in a creative direction. In other words: If youre out of whack youre
right on track.

Thought Bomb: when accidents of any kind are analysed it causes shrapnel of
multiple thoughts from unrelated fields to collide and fly off in multiple directions.

Thoughtmosphere: the collective atmosphere of thoughts surrounding the earth and
emanating out into all dimensions (defined by XAVI omfestival.com).

Tradels (see Pop Song Poetry): products, movies or songs derived by combining
trademarks, labels, titles, headlines and melodies.
For example, from Starbucks + Hooters you could get HooterBucks hot chicks hot
coffee; try our S(lattes). (produx)

Movies:
Pots & Pans a magical (gay) kitchen adventure starring Peter Potter & Harry
Pan. (mmovies)
The Spy who shagged Terry Poppins. (mmovies)
Lord of the Spiderkong Wars about the battle of the uh, Spiderkongs.
(mmovies)
Snakes on Brokeback Mountain. (mmovies)
Dude, wheres my cheese? (mmovies)
Cattlestar Ballactica about a very clever cow who finds a solution to global
warming. (mmovies)

TV shows:
Big Ass Celebrity (from Big Brother, Jackass & Im a celebrity get me outa
here). (TVshow)

Glossary


TTOIS (TOYS): Transmission Towers Of Inspiration.

Unipersonal Problem: a unique personal problem thats also universal.

UTTA BS: Universal Theory of Thumb And Bum Sucking.

Vujade: in contrast to a dejavu (which is information from the past), this is
information from the future. An observation that makes little sense at the time (see
OOPS) but that you realise connects to a future event. Just like single socks from the
laundry they need to be stored so that they can be paired off later.

Examples:

1) You cant understand why all the beds in England are split in two. The missing
sock is revealed when youre moving home and have to carry one up a flight of
stairs.

2) Lisa Simpson has a vujade watching her father and Ned Flanders mowing the lawn
in their wives' dresses after losing a bet. She says: Why do I get the feeling that
someday Ill be describing this to a psychiatrist? [This is a vujade that could take
30 years to reveal.]
The final scene from Dead Putting Society.

3) Youre changing a tyre of a new car. There are 4 nuts but one is different.
Why does one nut require a special key to unscrew it? This is a vujade you know
theres a reason, you just have to wait until you get to the mechanic, for the
missing sock to be revealed its an antitheft device. Apparently people go round
stealing wheels. [Took me an hour to find this out.]

Wantasee: the way you want to see things based on your D 'n' A Dreams 'n'
Aspirations.

Yougle: the search engine of your mind activated by your OOPS Observation Of
Pure Stupidity.

Songlist

Songlist

Just to remind you that this free-book is a script for a musical.

To search through the songs in the script, use keyword lyrix. To search for a specific
song, search for song #.

1. LABEL YOUR CONFUSION
2. FREEDOM TO LIE
3. THE KIDS ARE WISING UP
4. WAKE ME SHAKE ME SHOCK ME
5. YOUR WANTASEE
6. THROW IT UP AND WATCH IT FLY
7. UNZIP ME
8. HES ONLY A MAN
9. TEARS WITH CHAMPAGNE
10. NOBODY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON
11. LET THEM DIE
12. HAPPY HOUR IN THE HOLIDAY INN
13. TWO SONGS
14. SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN
15. IT HAS TO BE FUNNY
16. JACKIES JUST A JPEG
17. DOWNLOADING OUR LIVES AWAY
18. BLACK NOTE
19. WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN
20. THEME SONG
21. TOO MANY CHOICES
22. GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX
23. COPYRIGHT PROTECTED
24. HEY JADE
25. POP SONG POETRY
26. DOODLING TO THE DEADLINE
27. SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY
28. THE COLOUR OF CONFUSION
29. FRUSTRATION FOR SALE
30. MOANING OUT OF TUNE
31. WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY?

32. GRANDE SEMI SKIM CAPPACINO
33. CK519J
34. DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE POPULAR
35. DAY BY DAY
36. SONGS THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO
37. HAPPY HOUR
38. HOMES DOGS BABIES
39. THE BUZZ OF THE BUSINESS
40. SANITY SUCKS
41. SEARCH YOUR SOUL
42. TRUST ME
43. THIS IS ALL CRAP
44. LET THEM DIE (REPEAT)
45. ONE BIG RADIO STATION
46. YOU GET PAID TO BE OUTRAGEOUS
47. FLUFF YOU ALL
48. JUST BE YOU AND ILL BE ME
49. WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE
50. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
51. CHOOSING MEN
52. MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT
53. NOW THAT IM BACK
54. TOODALOO
55. LUNI LOVE
56. WAITING
57. YOU WANT A LABEL FOR MY SHOW
58. MONEY GO ROUND THE POP MACHINE
59. WHOS DOING WHAT TO WHO
60. SCHMOOZING
61. COLOUR OF CONFUSION
62. THEME SONG (FULL)

Copyright & Disclaimers


Copyright 2007 Peter Greenwall
UK copyright registration number (from UK Copyright Service) 265230
All e-mail enquiries to: info@logicalstupidity.com

All songs registered with PRS UK.

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3. You quote the author Peter Greenwall
4. YOU BUY THE COMMERCIAL VERSION OF THIS BOOK!! Click here to get it.

Distributed by The Internet Lulu, Amazon, Googlebooks, www.logicalstupidity.com
and who knows where else.

E-book prepared and formatted by Nom de Plume Writing Services Limited.
www.ndpwriting.com

Cover designed by Lori Kramer.

DESIGN COMPETITION NOW ON!
This is a chance to have your design on the front cover of the commercial e-book.
Your design should capture what logical stupidity means to you, so its an open brief:
play with the words, show how the meshugganah movies of your mind turn into real
movies, songs and products, or use any of the chapter titles, glossary terms or any
part of this e-book as inspiration. Enter by registering on the website and uploading
your entry on the graphics channel.

Published by MISTAKE
Seriously the whole thing was a freak accident. I started off writing a script to link a
few songs together when I accidentally stumbled on the universal formula for
innovation and creativity in general.

This is an edited Beta Book, test version 1.1 containing 20% of the
commercially available e-book. Many of the ideas have not been fully
thought through, which is why:



Disclaimers:

1) If youre offended by anything in this book, its all fiction. Made up. Comedy.
Satire. Not for those who believe there are certain things you cant make jokes about,
like other peoples ridiculous beliefs.

2) If you agree with everything, then its creative non-fiction; in fact its my thesis on
the psychology, theory and practice of innovation.

3) If you agree with some of it but not all of it, then its no different from other books
about creation.

4) While every effort has been taken to ensure hysterical accuracy, most of the bullshit
turned out to be true. This was either coincidental, magical or logical, and possibly all
three.

5) All my thoughts and feelings were correct at the time of writing them, but that was
then, and I reserve the right to feel differently about things now.
[In accordance with Article 7 of the Hippocritic Oath.]

6) This book contains codes, formulas, recipes, monologues, dialogues, blueprints,
briefs and instructions for the creation of 1878 products, movies, songs, cartoons and
etceteras.
Besides the downloadable songs, nothing actually exists yet, which is why Im counting
on you to make & upload your own versions. As you do, be aware that nothing has
been test marketed, prototypes have not been built and opinions have not been
gathered. You therefore create everything at your own risk. Just because Im telling
you what to do, doesnt make me responsible. Let me put it another way: Ill take the
credit but not the blame should anything go wrong.

Terms & Conditions of using the book & website

The book is designed to inspire you to create your own ideas, as well as upload your
own versions of the creative briefs. To keep the Terms & Conditions simple: what
happens on the website stays on the website! To keep it complex: see further details
on the next page.

Terms & Conditions

Terms & Conditions

Logical Stupidity is about providing you with inspiration for your own projects.
Its also about sharing ideas into the marketplace, and mutual promotion. If you
choose to follow the creative briefs then heres the deal:

Our relationship is based on the idea that you need material to expose your talent
and I need someone to present, sing, act out, photograph, design, make or produce
the material that Ive created. This is why we need to work together!

What happens on this website stays on the website! Youre free to copy, adapt and
remix anything without permission as long as its not for commercial release and you
upload your version on this site for all to see. We can only use each others work for
promotional purposes i.e. showreels, resumes and public broadcast on TV, radio or
other websites for promotional use. But should either of us want to release anything
commercially, we need to seek each others permission. So if I want to use your
artwork for anything besides this e-book or website e.g. a movie, training video,
multimedia stage show, cast album, (as I plan to do), then I would need to ask your
permission. The same applies to you regarding the use of any of my material. If a
third party wants to use our collaborative effort, then we all need to come to an
arrangement.

Regarding ownership of content: if you adapt anything by a considerable amount, then
we become collaborators and we need to discuss a royalty split according to the
changes youve made. To signify that its a collaborative effort, every artwork you
upload should have the following inscription somewhere clearly visible:
Title of the work by [your name] & Peter Greenwall for www.logicalstupidity.com.

If youre not changing the work but are presenting it in some form, then the inscription
should be: Title of the work presented / illustrated / performed, choreographed, sung,
by [your name] for www.logicalstupidity.com. By getting yourself in the mix you are
partly responsible for the magic, therefore should the clip, song, sketch leave the
domain of this website, you are entitled to some kind of deal that needs to be
discussed. But Im not using your precious production for any purpose besides this
site. If I do Ill ask you!

Be aware that this is the script for a documentary on the psychology, theory and
practice of innovation, where every clip or artwork is the product of various inspiration
devices. If you have something from your portfolio that fits the example, then youre
welcome to upload it, but we cant have arbitrary off-topic clips or any copyrighted
material from elsewhere.

Let's go through the various types of content on offer and how you may use them:

Terms & Conditions

Products: keyword to search for [produx] or [ ]
All 269 product ideas belong to Logical Stupidity in the same way that Quiddage
belongs to Harry Potter or Duff Beer belongs to The Simpsons i.e. while they might
be fantasy products, you would still need permission to create them and release them
commercially. An Australian beer company tried to market Duff Beer and they got
their arses nailed. Just so you know.
If youre an entrepreneur or investor, youre welcome to sponsor the development of
any product you like. For further investor information see the website.

Comedy sketches & stand-up shticks (more than 500): keywords to search for
[mmovies; shtix]
For singers actors, presenters, comedians working on comedy sketches in groups or
solo songs, stand-up shticks & presenter links:
Anything you upload is automatically part of the online clickumentary about the
creative process as well as your audition for the stage show and innovation workshops.
If you dont want to audition for anything but are just promoting yourself in the web
version, then thats fine. (Just say so in your upload details.)

Movie pitches (31): keyword to search for [moviepitch] &
TV show pitches (41): keyword to search for [tvshow]
Directed at TV producers, moviemakers and actors of all levels.
For producers lets discuss them into production.
For actors follow the dialogue and the director's notes and upload your version.

Graphic Art, Product Design, Cartoons & Photos (602): keywords to search for
[PiX; grafix; cartoon; photo] to find all pictures that require your production.
Follow my director's notes and the links to web pages for inspiration on doing your
own version.

Complete songs (60): keyword to search for [lyrix]
You may perform up to 3 songs at your gig, as long as you give me credit, mention
this site and upload your version here for all to enjoy. You may either download the
backing track or learn the songs on your chosen instrument.
Music producers may redo, rehash, remix & re-release the songs by special
arrangement, or upload your version on the site without permission.

Incomplete songs (80): keyword to search for [ADDsong]
Either produce them as they are (ringtone songs or short attention span songs) or turn
them into complete 3 minute songs, producing them as you like.
Once youre done well discuss royalty splits based on what you did!

Design your own production of Logical Stupidity the musical
With over 700 pages of script and 61 songs, theres enough material to custom design
your own production.
If youd like to try something different for your next high school musical (i.e. other
than Fiddler on the Roof, Mary Poppins, Joseph, Grease, Jack & the Beanstalk, etc)
then select the songs and extracts youd like to do and lets talk!
If youre a professional theatre producer and would like to stage a version of this
show, again, lets talk it into production fringe or mainstream.

Terms & Conditions


The e-book has been designed to inspire you and your own creative projects, as well
as provide you with inspiration to produce mine. If you try to pass any material off as
your own, either in part or in whole, YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED TO HALF THE
EXTENT OF THE LAW, the other half coming from trained attack dogs who know
where you live and will TAKE YOU OUT, for dinner, at an all-you-can-eat restaurant for
attack dogs, where no doggie bags are allowed i.e. 2007 by Peter Greenwall.

Just thought Id clear that up.

Go to www.logicalstupidity.com for further instructions on how to upload your content.

Check the next page for 16 reasons why you would want to do such a thing.

16 Reasons for Getting Involved

16 Reasons for Getting Involved

1) To promote yourself and your talent. (The site doubles as a free talent agency.)

2) To share profits or royalties of anything you design, manufacture, act in or sing.

3) Something in the e-book has inspired you to the point where you simply have to
create your own version and share it with the world i.e.
To turn ideas into marketable movie clips, songs, pictures and products:
Having the visions no solution; everything depends on execution. - from Putting it
Together, by Stephen Sondheim

4) To be part of a documentary about the creative process that traces the origin of all
ideas right through to the final production your take.

5) To audition for the stage show. This is not compulsory! If you dont want to
audition, then just say so in your profile.
Further down the line, the same clip you just uploaded becomes eligible to be in:

6) The Final Cut - Whats your take? a TV competition for your interpretation of all
the sketches & songs from the book. A panel of movie experts will decide which of
you become TV stars.

7) The Final Cut the movie version with the winning clips re-shot on a professional
budget; i.e. your chance to be a movie star. Since the script contains the template for
the documentary, all examples and clips will update continually this musical
documentary never ends!

8) To be in a series of John Cleese-style training videos on innovation.

9) The Logical Stupidity Award ceremony for excellence in timewasting.
(Because many of these clips and pics are destined to become e-mail forwards.)

10) To win Software and Hardware prizes that enable you to produce better artworks,
photos, movies or songs.

But wait, that's not all! You haven't spent any money yet! Here's your motivation for
spending 20 to sign up:

11) Free copy of the 727 page e-book with roughly 2500 briefs.

12) Full versions of 45 songs from the show.

13) Full versions of all backing tracks of the above songs so you can sing your own
version and upload it right here.

14) Full versions of movie clips from previous versions leading up to this version.

15) Access to the online clickumentary.

16) Access to an online seminar on innovation.

INSPIRED YET? UPLOAD YOUR VERSION!

So What Is It Exactly?


12 THINGS WHICH IT IS - JUST FOR CLARITY BEFORE WE START
(Potential investors follow the $$$ signs.)

1) Business School Musical - business issues set to comedy and music.
[$$$: Live show, CD sales, online music downloads, ringtones.]

2) Innovation Training - a formula for creating original content with 217 inspiration
devices. [$$$: Workshops, seminars, DVD sales.]

E-BOOK [$$$: sales]:

3) Creative Therapy - how to produce the meshugganah movies of your mind.
(i.e. How to turn everything driving you insane into some kind of art or product.)
[$$$: Seminars, DVD sales.]

4) My to do list - 1878 projects (movies, songs, comedy sketches, products)
that I couldnt possibly complete in this lifetime, so Im spreading them around a bit.
[$$$: Royalty splits with partners.]

5) Idea Factory - whats your take on my idea? Sing, act, present, photograph,
design, build, take, make, share, adapt, finish just make them yours by getting
yourself in the mix! Then split the royalties see Terms & Conditions [$$$].

6) Thesis on inspirageology - the study of inspiration:
The effects of dysfunction, stupidity, humour and bullshitting on the creative process
and the flow of information.
How and why gapcidents happen i.e. how unrelated ideas choose you as a way to
connect to form new ideas.

WEBSITE:

7) Talent show & audition site for the musical and movie documentary.

8) Clickumentary (interactive web documentary) on the creative process.

9) Talent Agency - be spotted revealing your true colours.
[$$$: Agency fees.]

10) Social networking for techies to pair off with talent.
(Or production people to hook up with performers, because techies are talented too.)

11) Advertising Agency [$$$] - the clients brief goes out to all the creatives.
The agency runs on 3 principles:
1) Millions of heads are better than one tiny team.
2) Best idea wins: Everyone pitches and the client decides who gets the contract.
3) No portfolio, showreels or resume required can you handle THIS job? (produx)



12) ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITY

There are plenty of spaces reserved in all 5 formats for your product. [$$$]
Search for keywords [sponsor] [produx] [ ] to find those products you wish to
sponsor or produce yourself. Bear in mind that the best ideas are in the commercial
e-book.

There are also product placement opportunities for those companies whose strategies,
slogans and products have been used as examples of a particular type of business
innovation. There are over 100 companies (listed at the back of the book) enjoying
free advertising in the e-book, but should they wish to keep these products in the
upgraded versions, stage show and innovation workshops, they may want to consider
sponsorship deals:

In exchange for product placement, sponsorship is needed for prizes for each
innovation category: best product, movie, cartoon, song production, vocalist, comedy
sketch, presenter link, etc.

For further investor and marketing information, check www.logicalstupidity.com

All 32 Chapters Summarised


1 LABEL YOUR CONFUSION
GIVE IT A NAME, GIVE IT A CATCHPHRASE, GIVE IT A SONG THE ART OF
BRANDING

What exactly is the it that youre naming?
IT is a mystery feeling thats difficult to describe.
IT as in it doesnt work like that.
IT as in just do it the Nike way.
IT as in Screw it, lets do it the title of Richard Bransons book.

This book looks at everything that needs to be screwed in order to do what you need
to do. The creative process starts with the identification and labelling of a mystery
anything that makes no sense to you.

2 THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL BULLSHITTING/PAFYAFFING:
Pulling Advice From Your Ass(pirations) For FINancial Gain

3 CRACKING YOUR D 'N' A CODE DREAMS 'N' ASPIRATIONS
and the creative applications e.g.
I wish my crappy car was a sports car and
VROOM! Pimp my Ride comes along.
I wish there were biscuits that could help me digest food, and
POOF! we have digestive biscuits.
I wish I was younger and
YOUTH! 40 is the new 20 becomes an advertising catchphrase.
I wish I was free to follow my dreams and create the world I wanted and
FREEDOM! Just do it becomes a tagline.

INNER SPACE TRAVEL / ERRORTHOUGHTICAL ENGINEERING
4 THE TWO TRAINS OF THOUGHT CIRCLE & DESTINATION
Our thoughtmosphere is mapped out like The London underground there are circular
arguments that spiral to nowhere but are useful for transport to destination
arguments. But whats different about the thoughtmosphere is that its
multidimensional at any point youre free to hop on your own train of thought to take
you to a place nobodys ever been before your wantasee, the way you want to see
things. These are the trains that lead to innovation

5 MENTAL GPS FOLLOW YOUR FASCINATION
Mental GPS works by following your fascination. Learn to use it and youll get swept
away on a current of creativity. Coming up: How do we get ideas? How do thoughts
travel and how do they turn into atoms? What happens when information from the
past connects with information from the future via you?


6 GUESSEDGE KNOWLEDGE IN PROGRESS
How the universe runs on subjectivity i.e. your personal BIAS: Belief In A Solution.
Why do we bother to make or say anything at all?
Where does the desire of self-expression come from?
All can be explained by way of the three desires of guessedge or self-expression:

1) To figure things out on our own.
2) To express that thing to someone.
3) To be right / accepted / have your ideas validated.

Am I right? Sure I am. Now pay me.

Only once your guessedge is validated can it become knowledge, and theres usually a
pay cheque involved. So how much are your opinions worth?

7 THE MOVIE OF YOUR MIND
Whats showing on yours and how are you directing it?

ART Automatic Radical Thoughts comes from having serious creative differences
with the big producer in the sky but you cant walk off the set, and this is what the
internal struggle is all about.

The script youre given is hysterical or highly dramatic but you cant act it out because
it would be frowned upon, too embarrassing, offensive, not PC or youd get arrested or
killed. So what happens? All the really dramatic and funny thoughts get cut and all
the polite bullshit comes out instead.

So, what were going to do is get inside the editing room of your mind, find all the
scenes that you cut, and put them back together so you can write your best material.
As we examine 15 movies of my mind, you get to see how you would have directed
the same scenes.
Okay, one of the movies is a porno

8 OBSERVATIONAL INNOVATION TURNING JOKES INTO
PRODUCTS
How to turn punch lines into taglines:
Use your sense of humour to accept the things you cannot change; your product
development skills to change what you can; and this chapter to know the difference.

Turns out that the difference between humour and innovation is simply a matter of
functionality: does the joke product work? If it does, your punch line becomes a
product.

THE EASILY AMUSED FORMULA FOR INNOVATION:
Explore the funny side of everything take note of what you laugh at the
most convert the punch line into a product laugh all the way to the
bank.


9 CHASING THE UNKNOWN
UNCOMMON KNOWLEDGE YOU OWN
Your search for solutions is futile unless you express the problem as a question, and all
questions revolve around this one:
What makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R?
The ANSWER will magically appear when you get the question right; did you notice
that?
This chapter contains instructions for using your SPQV Self Propelled Question
Vehicle essential for navigating through nonsense.

10 CLINTONIAN METAPHYSICS
IF YOU CANT CHANGE IT, REDEFINE IT TO SUIT YOURSELF

Clintonian Metaphysics is named after Bill Clinton who redefined the term sexual
relations. In his mind there was no sex he had merely found an alternative use for
a cigar.
This is exactly how redefining reality leads to new inventions. So with this in mind,
were changing the world by redefining everything in it

11 THE SKYS NOT THE LIMIT; YOUR PRINCIPLES ARE
UPGRADE THEM!
Its easy to stick to principles, especially if youve had some code hammered into you
all your life. But can you abandon them when you realise they dont apply anymore?
Much harder to do.

Just as laws (universal and man-made) need to upgrade to move with the times, so
too do your principles. But how does upgrading them lead to innovation?

In the battle between your principles and reality, something has to give: youre either
going to have to upgrade your principles or redefine reality and change it. Either way,
innovation is involved.

Here are the 21 rules for rule breaking, or 21 ways to rise above the limitations of your
principles in order to innovate

12 THE MESHUGGANAH MATRIX
Where all your crazy ideas intersect with the market to bridge the gap between life as
it is and life as you dream it.

The objectives:
1) To assimilate the problem as part of the solution.
2) To improvise new products over existing markets.
3) To improvise new melodies over popular chord patterns.
4) To improvise spontaneity over the daily grind.
5) To get you out of your comfort zone.

The method: PUT A LITTLE BLACK NOTE IN YOUR LIFE (see lyrics)



13 EDITORIAL LICENCE & THE HIPPOCRITIC OATH
Allows you to LIE OR TELL THE TRUTH, WHICHEVER IS MORE INTERESTING

Changing your mind as often as global uncertainty dictates, has become the key to
effective leadership. Take the oath and youll be able to manipulate the facts to suit
your argument, and when you realise youre wrong, change your argument to suit the
facts.

As a consumer of news youll learn how to read between the lines of news and
marketing spin.

As a news editor, journalist or author, the Hippocritic Oath allows you to lie or tell the
truth, whichever is more interesting, as long as you promise:

1) To make as much money as you possibly can.
3) To be thoroughly entertaining as you reveal the true colours of your chosen subject.

Editorial licence is granted under the following terms & conditions of the contract:

I, the consumer of news and entertainment media, give you, the author, permission to
simplify events of the world to make it easier for me to understand. By simplify I
mean:

1) Polarise my thoughts dont give me more than two options.
2) Give me instant perspective.
3) Make me laugh; entertain me.
4) Keep me in the loop; make me feel like Im part of something big.

I, the author of content, am entitled to simplicate everything in order to achieve this
i.e. keep things complex enough to be respected as an authority while simple enough
to be understood. I can use the following methods to achieve this:

1) Compare the incomparable.
2) Challenge my subject by questioning motives and tearing down dreams.
3) Provide worst-case scenarios.
4) GO MAAD: Use any Multiple Angle Attack Device.
5) Ask rhetorical questions and split as many hairs as I like.
6) Cherry-pick my edited highlights.
7) Or use any other device in keeping with the good faith of the Hippocritic Oath.



14 PARAFRAZING THE EXTREME SPORT FOR CREATIVE
THINKERS
Jump on a bandwagon, add wings & fly it your own way

PARAFRAZING = R&D = The art of Rehashing & Disguising other peoples ideas in
order to find your voice e.g. Frankenstein turns into Dracula, then Wolfman Jack,
Michael Jackson followed by Adams Family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Marilyn Manson
and eventually Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Parafrazing is based on

1) EVOLUTION
We need to steal ideas in the same way that they need to be protected.
In nature, this battle for survival is called evolution. In business its called innovation.
Either way youre involved, so you may as well learn the process.

2) EINSTEINS THEORY OF CREATIVITY:
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources seriously, he actually
said that.

3) THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY PLAGIARISM CASE:
Roger Myers: Your honour, you take away our right to steal ideas; where are they
supposed to come from her? [looks at Marge]

15 POP SONG POETRY THE REHASH PART OF THE EQUATION

PSP is a device to help you create new songs, products and movies by combining 2 or
more samples of your favourite influences. Heres how it works:

2) Shuffle and throw the cards, read them as they lie and
lie about them as you read.

Examples:
Coffee shop: HooterBucks hot chicks hot coffee / try our Sluttes.
Fitness program: Yogalingus a workout for your mind, body and sexlife.
Movie: Pots & Pans the magical (gay) kitchen adventures of Harry Pan
& Peter Potter.



16 REFRAME THE MUNDANE REMiX!NG THE MELODIES OF LIFE
Whereas PSP changes the form, reframing changes the context. This is about turning
raw footage into material by focusing on editing and presenting e.g.

SUBSTANCE = Raw Footage = Old Life STYLE = Material = New Life

1) A comedian turns an encounter with an air hostess into a comedy routine
2) A psychologist turns the same event into a psychological disorder
3) A playwright turns the conversation directly into a play
4) A businessman turns one of the sound bites into a ringtone
5) An artist turns the seat and the window into an art installation
6) A stylist turns the messed up hair into the just got out of bed look
7) David Blaine turns being bored to death into a PR stunt
8) Dido transcribes the minutiae of her day into a pop song
9) Simon Cowell turns regular wannabees into pop stars
10) A chef turns regular ingredients into a gourmet meal
11) Nicky Greenwall (my celebrity sister) turns any Reuters feed into
showbiz news
12) Richard Quest (CNN) turns anything into news

WORLD EXCLUSIVE BIG REVEAL: The 6 stages of the cycle of innovation and how
solutions can be found in unlikely places demonstrated by the invention of 18 new
products.

17 6 BRANDING STRATEGIES USED IN THE ARTS:
ANY RUBBISH THAT SELLS
Branding is the science of getting people to change their mind from yes but what
would you actually do with it? to I gotta have one of those now!

Were going to look at 6 ways to do this:

1) The Name: why add value when all you need is an adjective?

2) Fashion: if you cant change the way you look, turn it into a fashion.

3) Price Tag: you cant polish a turd, but you can put a price tag on it.

4) Soundtrack: dont say it; sing it bitch about it to the beat.

5) Tone of Voice: how to turn anything into news, by using DRAMA IN YOUR VOICE.

6) Technology: the cooler the gadget the less you care about the content.



18 RHYTHMAGINATION & DOODLING TO THE DEADLINE
HOW TO SET YOUR MIND FREE TO DESTROY CONTEXT

Most sounds we hear are heard out of context we dont see exactly whats causing
the sound, and as a result we have to fill in the gaps and guess what the sound could
be e.g. if you hear a bang outside, it could be a gunshot, exhaust backfire or
fireworks. This is how sounds become audio triggers that connect you to past and
future events.

REVEALED: How visual and audio triggers create gapcidents happy accidents where
logic collides with stupidity to create new ideas.

19 FOK-U THE FAADE OF KINDNESS & UNDERSTANDING

A quick seminar in effective leadership i.e. PR and Spin.

In order to turn global problems into political and marketing opportunities you need
the right attitude.

Ignorance is not acceptable, apathy is expected, but acting as if you care is essential,
which is why you need to learn the art of CAREOGRAPHY choreographed caring,
where youll learn to:

Act AS IF the customer is king.
Act AS IF nothing is a problem and youre having a nice day.
Act AS IF your boss is not a complete asshole.
Act AS IF your staff/students/citizens are all special.
Act AS IF you know what youre doing.

How to pull this off? THE 10 STRATEGIES OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PR & SPIN:

1) SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY (SEE LYRICS)
2) GET COVERAGE OF YOU CARING - THE MORE YOU GET, THE MORE YOU CARE
3) DONT GET NASTY ON EVILDOERS - SHOW NASTY
4) LEARN YOUR ESPS: EMOTICON STOCK PHRASES
5) USE FABOLS: FASHIONABLE ADJECTIVES BASED ON LIFESTYLE
6) BE SEEN THROWING MONEY AT THE PROBLEM
7) PROMOTE AN IMAGE OF HEALTH & FITNESS
8) RAISE AWARENESS WITH A ROCK CONCERT
9) SPONSOR WORLD PEACE EVENTS
10) USE IMPROPER USE WARNING LABELS



20 MEASURING YOUR MOOD USING R&D THERAPY
R&D creative therapy is about Rehashing & Disguising your frustrations and then
selling them through different media. This can only happen by measuring your mood:

The physical world has scientific measuring devices, business climate is measured by
market indices, but how do we measure mood? Thats where art comes in just as
we have the colour spectrum or the sound frequency spectrum, so too do we have the
human emotion spectrum, or moodometer. Zoomed all the way out, its just as vague
as hot, mild and cold i.e. Woohoo!! Whatever & FU!!

But by getting inside the meshugganah middle and measuring the spaces between
your thoughts, you create more detailed awareness pixels, and the more you have, the
better the quality of your life. How so? Each pixel of emotion you identify translates
into a line of conversation, a line for a song or a script, a business plan, a joke, a
comedy sketch, a brush stroke on a painting or a feature on a piece of software or a
sports car.

This is why R&D therapy doesnt try to fix your dysfunctions, because theyre not
supposed to be fixed. This is natures way of creating the luniverse. How do we know
this? Well who do you know that isnt just a little bit whacked out in some way?

Were all fluffed in the head but not in the same way: The slight difference is known as
your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.
The objective of R&D therapy is to find your STUBID and make it work for you.

The method used: CRITICISE, ANALYSE & CAPITALISE

21 THOUGHT ACCOUNTANCY DETECT, COLLECT, CONNECT
And then report on PNN your Personal News Network.

Did you ever wonder why exactly the same amount of news happens every day
regardless of what happens in the world?
Thats because the news is a business, where reporters have to be fed and where
column space and program slots have to be filled. This is why youll never see a news
headline of NOTHING MUCH HAPPENED TODAY, because if nothing serious happens,
there are always backup headlines to run, like Gordon Brown & Tony Blair to remain
friends or Posh goes shopping with Katie.

Newsflash: youre also in the news business. Whats going on with you is just as
important or as trivial as world headlines. To practice 'thought accountancy' you need
to become the editor for My Life, a news program broadcast on PNN, your Personal
News Network. At the end of every day you need to present a 10-minute highlights
presentation of your news. So whats going on with you?



22 MISINTERPREATION CREATIVITY BY DENIAL & ERROR

By missing the point entirely you often end up discovering way more interesting places
than the intended message i.e. new messages are found in translation.

REVEALED: The creative and destructive effects of misinterpreation and the 12 factors
causing it.

The thoughtmosphere works just like the virtual world of hyperlinks youre always
only one letter or sound away from a foreign destination that could be way more
exciting than the intended one. By allowing yourself to roll with the accident, youre
likely to discover gapcidents like factasy, spontenudity, hysterical accuracy and various
other comical reactions.

This is the upside of being a little bit stupid and a bad listener you never have to try
to screw things up it happens automatically. Especially if you, like me, have
punlexia, an auditory processing disorder where your brain searches for every possible
alternative meaning to the intended one.

So how do you cure it? You dont. Just like many other anxieties, neuroses, phobias,
dysfunctions and disorders, there are no cures, and even if there were you wouldnt
want them because this is what makes you uniquely creative and fascinating.

When it comes to playing with words youre a phonetic, so follow the songs and
sounds wherever they take you. When your punlexia impairs your ability to focus,
then follow the spontenudity.

By discovering new words, youre also discovering new destinations in our
thoughtmosphere, which can then be turned into:

Books: the same title is also a book by Susanna Blake Goodman
Products: The Posh Up Bra coined by the Sun Newspaper
Newspapers: Vujade News news ahead of its time
Products: Jillette, because you like it shaved and wet
(What? Its a new waterproof razor.)
Pop Bands: The Showeroke Girls now auditioning at www.logicalstupidity.com

This is a permanent fatal error. May the grim rapper take you on a wild inventure to
find your ERRORGENIUS ZONE.



23 REVEALED: THE 3 TYPES OF DISILLUSION

1) Type 1: Hopelessly deluded D 'n' A (Dreams 'n' Aspirations).
2) Type 2: D 'n' A crushed or being crushed by reality youve settled into
comfortable numbness.
3) Type 3: D 'n' A achieved, but its a big anticlimax so now what?

You need R&D therapy to UNLEASH YOUR POW: The Power Of Whatever

24 HOW TO GET YOUR WHACKY BACK
Or how to find your STUBID: SPECIAL TALENT FROM A UNIQUE BLESSING IN
DISGUISE

STUBIDs are evident at an early age but usually get diagnosed as antisocial behaviour
and snuffed out by Ritalin before theyve had a chance to be discovered and
unleashed.

This is a great pity because all kinds of lucrative careers are being snuffed out before
theyve had a chance to get going e.g. a pathological liar, with a little nurturing could
make a brilliant lawyer. Kids who play with guns and fail their music exams could be
rappers. Destructive kids who break other kids' toys and then give out advice on how
to fix them could be management consultants. Those who love the sound of their own
voice but dont have much to say could be radio DJs. Hopelessly deluded kids could
have been speech writers for Blair, or if the delusion was more serious, for Bush.

So where did your nutcase go and how can we get it back? This is what R&D therapy
is concerned with: whats your basic malfunction and how can you use it? How is it
that only kids and old people can say whatever they like? Well now you can too!
Were going to examine 5 methods to get your whacky back:

1) Sing a whacky song.
2) Regression.
3) Trial & Error.
4) Soul Searching.
5) Meditation.


25 CREATIVE ANXIETIES & DISORDERS
Dont get cured get inspired by all of them.
You do not need any kind of therapy to cure you of phobias, anxieties and disorders
they exist for a reason to keep you alive and inspire you. By describing the
symptoms over your chosen medium, you instantly connect with your audience by way
of safety in numbers i.e. you become the voice of millions of people whove all been
suffering in silence from the same thing. Now see if youre one of them, as I reveal
my top ten anxieties (You can find them under new disorder in the Glossary.)

26 CRITICS HOW TO USE THEM CONSTRUCTIVELY
THE CREATIVE POWER OF NEGATIVE INSPIRATION FROM REJECTION
For every criticism theres an equal and opposite reaction
Tracy Emin often has rocks thrown through the window of her art studio. What does
she do about it? She uses them to build more artworks, which is the objective of this
chapter: to help you identify the signs that you suck and then use all the rocks thrown
at you as inspiration for more artworks.

Big-time sucking is an honour awarded to you by others. Its not something you can
decide on your own, mostly because youre always too far up your own ass to be able
to tell. The digital revolution is partly responsible for this:
Affordable technology made you think youre a musician, moviemaker or graphic
artist. Working in isolation the preoccupation with your own thoughts combined
with a certain frequency of your computer fan made you start hallucinating that youre
better than the combined creative output of U2, Steven Spielberg, Shakespeare and
Michelangelo, and that just because it took you a year to get your masterpiece on
myspace, the whole world would be interested in whatever you had to say. Not
necessarily. You soon found out that youre very much alone and you suck. And in
case you still havent found this out, this chapter goes through all the signs that you
suck and how to use them as inspiration. It also goes through the 6 important
reasons for sucking:
1) Retaliation energy for building more artworks.
2) Youre part of the wheel of progress youre the one pushing the envelope.
3) Comparative function how would anyone know what was good if you didnt suck?
4) First draft is out the way.
5) Total creative freedom.
6) The challenge anyone can make it with natural talent, but can you make it
without? This requires a skill-set that no university or music school can offer:
1. Producers have to be slept with or framed.
2. Wardrobe malfunctions have to be choreographed.
3. Marriages, tans and intelligence all have to be faked.
4. Offspring or adopted babies have to be given twatish names.
5. Rumours and porn videos have to fabricated and spread on the Internet.
6. Pictures of you getting your toes licked on private yachts need to be published.
7. Egos have to be stroked, sometimes licked.
8. Journalists have to be lunched.
9. Audiences need to be told what to think.
10. Visits to rehab have to be coordinated around gig schedules.
11. Top ten lists have to created and sent to the press. Tyres need to be slashed if
not printed. Seriously. Ive spoken.



27 USING RELATIONSHIPS AS A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION
How to think inside the paradox of love in order to use your partner as a catalyst for
songs, movies, articles & products.

Step 1: Ask questions that result in nothing answers:
Whats up?
Whats going on?
Whats wrong, honey?
Whats the matter?
What can I say to make it better?
What do you mean by that?

Step 2: Ask questions that have everything answers:
Whats it going to take to make you happy?

Step 3: Insist on specific examples and actually listen this time. Dont try to think of
anything to say; you need to focus all your attention on just listening, which will take
every bit of concentration you have. If you have trouble listening or remembering the
exact lines she uses, then use a Dictaphone, but dont get caught.

Step 4: At another time and place (so that youre calmer and can think rationally)
examine all requests and complaints, taking particular note of the knowledge vacuum
between both extremes. You will now find yourself in the interpreation zone, the
Centre Of Confusion inside a Unique Problem (the COC-UP), deep inside the paradox,
which is why its called the meshugganah middle.

This is where you find pure inspiration as you begin to piece all the nonsense together
e.g. how come shes instantly reminded of everything she needs to tell me only
when I turn on the TV?
How is it that she can handle the bikini wax, the boob job, nose job, tummy tuck,
colonic irrigation, botox, pierced tongue, nipples & clit and yet shes not prepared to
take it up the ass because it hurts?

Whats up with that? Ill tell you: OOPS Observation Of Pure Stupidity, or the Origin
Of Planets & Stars.

I have no idea who started circulating that text but I do know that it comes from the
very centre of the paradox, the source of all life, the catalyst of all creation that
which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R The ANSWER to everything!

Theres no need for intergalactic space travel to solve the mysteries of the universe
when you can find the same mysteries deep inside the meshugganah middle. All you
have to do is ask the right questions and set your answers to dialogue and music.
Which is what were going to do with various stages of the relationship


28 TAPPING INTO THE COLLECTIVE TRASHCAN
Proactive shmoactive you cant just do it and there are plenty of reasons why you
cant. Tap into these reasons and youre inside the collective trashcan of rubbish that
unites us all.

29 FINDING THE NICHE WITHIN YOUR NICHE
You know what youre good at and you know what makes you money. You dont need
to think outside any boxes if you merge all the boxes you love, to create a new box
just for you. This is about finding your USP (Unique Sales Point) and UFP (Unique
Failure Point) and capitalising on both with a little R&D: Rehash & Disguise.

30 SCHMOOZING: THE PROACTIVE APPROACH TO GETTING LUCKY
OR THE ART OF FLIRTING FOR INFORMATION (WHICHEVER YOU PREFER)
No matter how amazing your product is, at some point youre going to have to get
connected to the people who can make it happen for you. This is why you need a
crash course in Schmoozing 1a, to examine the fine lines between:
Having chutzpah and being a dickhead.
Bumlicking and Brown-nosing.
Flirting for business and Flirting for romance.

Were also going to examine the two essential types of schmoozing:
1) Impulse Schmoozing:
Used on people who you feel need to be met based on your gut instinct.

How do you meet someone who looks like someone you need to know?
This is the dilemma James Blunt writes about in Youre Beautiful:
I SAW YOUR FACE IN A CROWDED PLACE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
If he had known about Impulse Schmoozing he would have known exactly what to do.

2) Target Schmoozing:
For when you know who the right people are to meet and where to meet them.
Method: The STALK & POUNCE and the 3 essential poses you need to learn.

31 HYSTERICAL ACCURACY THE ART OF MAKING STUFF UP
OR EXISTENTIAL INNOVATION - IF IT DOESNT EXIST, MAKE IT
Now rich in book, movie & product ideas

How others have made a fortune from PIFYAFFING:
Pulling Ideas From Your Aspirations For FINancial Gain.

And how you can do the same. (Download the whole chapter here free!)

32 CAPITALIES DYSFUNCTIONAL NIGHTMARES = FINANCIAL
DREAMS
Youve been criticised and analysed so all thats left is to CAPITALISE, by going ahead
and making the meshugganah movies of your mind. Change your mind as often as
you like, just voice your confusion along the way, because its all going to change by
tomorrow

1. LABEL Your Confusion - Give it a Name, Give it a Catchphrase, Give it a Song

1. LABEL Your Confusion -
Give it a Name, Give it a Catchphrase,
Give it a Song

O SPARX 1

(SONG 1 - opening production number) [LYRIX]

And what exactly is the it that youre naming?

IT is a mystery feeling thats difficult to describe.
IT as in it doesnt work like that.
IT as in just do it the Nike way.
IT as in Screw it, lets do it the title of Richard Bransons book.

Were going to look at everything that needs to be screwed, in order to do what you
need to do.


What, to you, makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R? Whatever it is, give it a name:

> Okay, how come I dont fall off the planet?

Gravity. Isaac Newton has already labelled that mystery so its not mysterious
anymore. Choose another one:

> Okay who or what is providing the stimulus for the creation of everything?

That would be God labelled and defined differently by various authors.

> Why does my penis shrivel up when it gets cold?

Thats shrinkage by Jerry Seinfeld.

> Why do I feel depressed?

Thats depression. It will do that to you.

> Why do I feel that the only way out of it is to chase younger women, when Im
reasonably happily married?

Thats called a mid-life crisis.

> So how can we make it cool to grow old in a youth-obsessed society?

40 is the new 20.

> Why am I thoroughly bored at work?

Thats boreout, discovered and tagged by Peter Werder. And this is what innovation is
all about discovering something that was always there and giving it a name. Is any
of this helping you? Do you feel better knowing that youre not alone with your
problems?

> Actually, yes I do. Thank you. How does that work? New mystery: how does
labelling your confusion make it feel better?

Thats called mystonomy, the taxonomy of mysteries i.e. the science of identifying,
classifying and labelling confusion to make it feel normal. How does it work? By
creating awareness: once youve got a name it becomes easier to manage because
thats the only way others have a chance to identify with the same experience.
Once you create a group of sufferers all bitching about the same thing, youve got
safety in numbers, which leads to an exponential catch-on because theres no better
way to deal with misery than spreading it around a bit.
Did you know about mystonomy? How could you, when I made it all up? Its all
guessedge! But if you believed me then its knowledge. This is how the system works
so thats the game were playing here. Go ahead ask me anything! Then see if
you can figure out whether my answer is guessedge or common knowledge thats just
not common to you. Why dont you try a personal mystery? Give me a problem that
you think is unique to you:

> Okay, hows this one: a friend of mine just made a move on this girl I was thinking
about asking out, and now theyre together. He knew I was interested! What do you
call that?


Dude, you were gazumped by a better offer! Thats girlfriend gazumping. Happens
often, especially in property, which is where the name comes from. Why would you
think that problem is unique to you?

> Because its never happened to me before!

Maybe not to you, but its a universal problem thats just never been named. You just
tapped into a unipersonal problem unique and universal at exactly the same time,
also known as a CEWTBL (pronounced suitable): Common Experience Waiting To Be
Labelled. Those are the kind youre looking for but youll never know if theyre
common to anyone else unless you name them! If you want to break through the
knowledge barrier and take ownership of the unknown, youve got to name it.
So what else is bugging you, my metaphysical friend from my internal dialogue?

> Why cant they make better-looking hybrid cars? Why do we have to drive
shoeboxes to fight the climate crisis? What if we had hybrid sports cars? Wouldnt
more people be encouraged to drive them and isnt that a solution to global warming?

YES! But youre too late we already have them. Theres the Tesla Roadster, The
Velozzi and The Batterari. But youre asking the right questions. These are the same
questions that would have led to the creation of these cars.

Innovation begins by noticing new mysteries and then giving them names. By making
up your own answers you turn questions into statements and bring new things into
existence. So now all you need to do to turn your guessedge into knowledge is to go
ahead and actually make a Batterari because it doesnt exist yet! The other two cars
exist but The Batterari is all yours.

> What do I call this method of innovation?

Name: Existential Innovation.

Catchphrase: if it doesnt exist make it!

Song: this is where you need to elaborate; it doesnt have to be an actual song. So
heres the deal:

X! involves jumping on assumptions based on very little evidence and riding them
all the way, gathering more evidence as you go. Once youve dreamed up a
name, nature works in mysterious ways as you start fabricating a story to
explain your name, the evidence magically presents itself, to the point where the
name brings the product into existence:

OOPS (Observation Of Pure Stupidity) name catchphrase song (or synopsis)
logo full story business plan product advert market $$$

> PiX/grafix: X! logo to be designed, something that involves a ? turns into a ! ,
like a @

Try it as a flash animation.



Lets use the Batterari as a case study of Existential Innovation:

The OOPS: why cant we have a sportier looking hybrid car?
(They have them, so come up with a different answer.)

Name: the Batterari Testosterona.

Catchphrase: lose the power, keep the status.

Song: elaborate, by saying why your battery / hybrid sports car is different. Start by
jumping on an assumption based on what little evidence you have, and then ride it as
far as it will go:

Since you cant drive above 30 MPH in most cities and this is a city car, we clearly
dont need to worry about speed and power. What we need is an ego-friendly car that
still captures all the feelings of a sports car when you drive one i.e. you want an
attention-seeking device. You want the noise, the vroom, the compensation for the
small penis. It all has to be there.

So how do we do that? The Batterari has massive base bin speakers under the
bonnet, connected to the accelerator, so the car still screams look at me with every
rev. Theres just no carbon emission. Win-win. [produx/climate crisis Pix/grafix]

Now what about the picture story product business plan advert market?

Thats where you come in. Design it, upload it, lets see it! Thats what the website is
for to design all 1878 ideas into existence.

Okay so weve established that the creative process starts with the discovery of a
mystery or OOPS. Luckily we have an infinite supply as much as we know, theres
infinitely more that we dont, and trying to find out what we dont know is the essence
of innovation. How so? Because what we dont know we can invent, and thats what
this book is about.

Step one: Find a mystery.
Step two: Answer it yourself with a name, catchphrase, song and business plan.

For example, any questions you have about dinosaurs should end in answers like Dino,
Roboraptor, Barney or Jackoffasaurus, the lesser-known species. They were big, loud,
annoying and lived in Memphis, where they went on sitcoms and game shows. They
became extinct by moving to France. And that's the story of the Jackoffasaurus
according to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, creators of South Park.

How did they do it? No matter how many answers there might be to a mystery,
theres always one more you can add to the mix yours. Your mystery may be
common knowledge to others but not to you, so what youre labelling is your own
stupidity, or OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity.



That, in a nutshell, is the creative process. Selling happens when your particular brand
of stupidity taps into the stupidity of others, which is when it becomes logical:

What was the deal with Jesus? Who killed him and why? Mel Gibsons ANSWER turns
into The Passion of The Christ. And what if Jesus had a daughter whose bloodline
survived in Europe? Now theres a genius assumption based on a hairline of evidence.
That answer turns into The Da Vinci Code and this time the logic is supplied courtesy
of Dan Brown. South Park had Jesus and Santa battling it out for control of the
holiday while The Simpsons told it their way. Monty Python set the record straight
with Life of Brian. Even The Bible jumped in with yet another version of what really
happened.

So whos right? Whos telling the truth? Who cares! The answers are interesting so
we buy them. The less we know about the subject, the easier it is to fabricate a
plausible and highly commercial answer:

What do we know about dragons & pixies? Not much. Perfect that can be turned
into Lord of the Rings. What dont we know about wizards and witches? Enough to
Fill In the Blanks with Harry Potter. The mystery of the Ice Age is at least two
animated movies worth, and solving the Alien mystery turns into ET and X-files.

Do you see whats going on here? Theyre all coming up with their own logical
ANSWERS: Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R which is why its logical NOW SING!

WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, WE HAVE TO MAKE MONEY
(short song goes here)

So whats confusing you, and more importantly can you come up with your own
answers?
How is it that men are so different from women? That turns into Men are from
Mars by John Gray.
Why would women even need men if they have a Rabbit? That becomes an
episode of Sex in the City.
What makes women happy? Thats an article in The Sunday Times magazine.

So far weve seen where disorders, articles, books, TV shows and movies come from.
What about songs? How have songwriters been using existential innovation as a
songwriting tool?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
Whats that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?
Where did I go wrong along the way?
Where do broken hearts go?
Whos gonna drive you home tonight?
Why?



Notice how you dont even need to come up with answers if your questions are
rhetorical enough. Theres no resolution they just set their confusion to music, and
you could do the same over your chosen medium, which could take the form of a
product or service. How do you turn mysteries into products and then sell them? This
is the job of marketing to make you aware of mysteries, thereby creating massive
problems that only you can solve:

Do you have any idea how many things can go wrong with your health, family, house,
car, pet or holiday? Are you covered for bird flu? Monkey pox? What if a robber
shows up in your garden? Heres how we can stop the worry introducing [your
insurance product].

Did you know that your area is a high-risk postcode for identity theft?
Heres how we can solve that one

Do you know that if the pipe carrying water into your house bursts, youre responsible?
And did you know that its happened to 1.5 million homes? Thats right there is
something to worry about but for 16 a year you can go back to the blissful state of
ignorance you were in before we told you this.

Do you know how many germs are on your cutting board or toilet seat?
GermBgone can solve that problem. [produx]

Do you know that the blue fluff you find in your navel causes flatulence?
Get rid of it with FLUFF-OFF. [produx]

Do you know how much rat poo is on your can of beer? Of course not! How could
you, if we never told you? Thats why all our beer cans are now rat-poo free.

Do you know how many babies it takes to produce one bottle of baby oil?
Introducing Baby Oil Zero no babies used in our products. [produx]

WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, WE HAVE TO MAKE MONEY
(that same short song again)



So what new, logically stupid mystery are you unleashing on the world?

Hey! Lets start a girl band who sing in the shower!

Great whats the name, catchphrase and song?

Name: The Showeroke girls. [produx]

Why?

Because they sing Karaoke songs in the shower.

That makes absolutely no sense PERFECT! Whats your catchphrase?

Theyre hot, theyre wet, theyre semi-nakedgive it up for the Showeroke girls!

Why must they only do Karaoke songs? What if they sing originals as well?

That will be a different band called Girls on Tap. [produx]

Okay, so where are they? Innovations dont only have to be new, original and useful,
they also have to exist they cant just be ideas.

Fine. Auditions are now happening at www.logicalstupidity.com.

And whats the song?

SONG 48 JUST BE YOU AND ILL BE ME . [LYRIX]

WELL MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD NAUSEOUS
WITH THE BUBBLEGUM SONGS WE WRITE
AND THEYLL BE REALLY CATCHY TOO
SO YOU WONT SLEEP SO WELL AT NIGHT, LIKE

JUST BE YOU AND ILL BE ME AND WELL BE US HAPPILY

YOU KNOW IM CLUELESS BUT IM KEEN
DONT YOU LIKE MY HAPPY LITTLE CUTE FACE?
AND IM BARELY SEVENTEEN
WITH A SNAPPY LITTLE CATCHPHRASE, LIKE


I have another slightly more serious question:
OOPS: Why cant you study creativity as a school subject? If it doesnt exist, make it!
Name: Inspirageology. * [produx / education / syllabus]
Catchphrase: the study of inspiration & imagination.
Song: coming up as soon as I can make it up by breaking it down:
1) Who or what is providing the stimulus thats creating everything?
2) How does information flow from a stimulus to a receiver?
3) How does information from the past, connect with information from the future?
4) How and why do you act as a medium for unrelated ideas to connect to form
new ideas?
5) How do you play your part in designing the future?
i.e. how exactly does the creative process work?

Im going to answer this, not by looking it up but by making it up. Why?
- To prove that the formula for innovation actually works.
- Theres not enough information available, or perhaps there is, but the research
is too scary, and
- The less information about what you really want to know, the easier it is to
fabricate a story.
- Guessedge is always more exciting than knowledge.
- This is a musical Im in showbiz, not true biz, so I dont have to be right!
SONG 2 FREEDOM TO LIE . [LYRIX]
AM I REFLECTING THE TRUTH OR MAKING UP FANTASY?
I DONT THINK THAT I HAVE TO DECIDE
THATS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY
THATS WHY THEY CALL IT SHOWBIZ, NOT TRUEBIZ

SO I GOT THE FREEDOM TO LIE
REFLECTING MY WANTASEE
FREEDOM TO LIE
THATS THE NATURE OF THE BIZ
FREEDOM TO LIE
REFLECTING MY FANTASY
FREEDOM TO LIE
I NEVER HAVE TO TELL IT LIKE IT IS

COS WHEN YOU DIGITIZE OR PHOTOSYNTHESIZE
OR JUST THROW IT ALL TOGETHER
IS IT MAGIC OR TECHNOLOGY?
PROPOGANDA, POP MUSIC, POLITICS
OR MERELY MY OPINION?

SUCH A FINE LINE BETWEEN MY MEMORY
OR IS THIS MY IMAGINATION?
MY FORTY GIGABYTE IPOD MEMORY
OR IS THIS MY IMAGINATION?

2. The History Of Professional Bullshitting / PAFYAFFING

2. The History Of Professional
Bullshitting / PAFYAFFING

(Pulling Advice From Your Ass(pirations) For FINancial Gain)

If unexplainable things start happening around you, like burning bushes, plagues or
climate change and theres no CNN around with distinctive journalism to bring clarity
to confusion, then somebody needs to start coming up with answers fast. This is
when the first leaders appeared to explain all mysteries.
They knew how to take advantage of the demand for explanations where there was
nothing but confusion. The leading thinkers would get together for a game of
Balderdash, and the one who could come up with the most Believable Story (BS)
would be voted in as the leader.
In this BS would be written a set of guiding principles to live by.

Nothing has changed. To this day the world is still run by IDIOTS: Institutions for
Decisions Involving Organization & Temporary Solutions.

Leadership, whether its from the field of business, politics, psychology, journalism or
scriptwriting is still about being able to fill in the gaps between missing information.
Really good leaders have always been elected and rewarded because of their ability to
create and sell Believable Stories, Best Sellers, Belief Systems, Better Solutions,
Business Strategies and various other Bum Sucks collectively known as BS.
When their stories are no longer believable i.e. when it becomes obvious that
delusion has set in they get voted out to make way for a new set of delusions, or
Better Suggestions

SONG 3 THE KIDS ARE WISING UP . [LYRIX]

THE KIDS ARE WISING UP
THE GENERATION GAP IS GONE
THERES NOT MUCH YOU CAN TELL THEM
THEY KNOW WHATS GOING ON

THE PARADIGM IS SHIFTING
ROLES ARE REVERSING
BOUNDARIES ARE CRUMBLING
STEREOTYPES ARE SHATTERING

2. The History Of Professional Bullshitting / PAFYAFFING


Religion, a popular source of belief systems, began to sound delusional when it
couldnt account for the complexities of the modern world and the variety of moral
dilemmas that resulted e.g.
Thou shalt not covet your neighbours wife. Really? What if shes hot and clearly
asking for it and your own wife has lost interesting in coveting? And what if her
husband was quite excited about watching you covet his wife? We clearly needed new
leaders who could come up with answers to modern dilemmas enter Oprah, Dr Phil,
Jerry Springer and their disciples.

Consumerism came to the rescue to offer Better Suggestions for living, like go
shopping, the sacred text coming from The Argos Catalogue. With over 2400
products to choose from this really was created by divine inspiration the major
difference being that everything you read was true, provided it was in stock. And to
make sure it stayed true, it would be updated on a regular basis, to move with the
times. The scriptures couldnt compete with this kind of flexibility.

Indeed go shopping (the message to the American public directly after 9/11) would
provide the solution to all kinds of world problems, mostly because it filled the spiritual
gap previously filled by religion: the sensation of feeling more alive really did come
from a new car or a new pair of shoes.
Attending the synagogue of Sex and the City and listening to the powerful sermons
from Carrie Bradshaw and her disciples really did move you deeply in your soul.

But consumerism needed to go further than just spiritual upliftment. It also needed to
deal with the guilt of being privileged in a world so full of poverty. How could it be
okay to complain that your seared tuna steak was overdone when everyones starving
in Africa? Something also needed to be done about the guilt. While religion offered
the pray-as-you-go system to hit the altruistic spot, consumerism came up with the
pay-as-you-go system. The campaign was simple:
Throw money at the problem and you could make it go away and clear your
conscience at the same time. All thanks to the introduction of Carbon Offset or
ASOWL tax Altruistic Sense Of Wellbeing & Love TAX.

Global warming? No problem throw some tax at the problem and your conscience is
clear. With ASOWL tax you no longer have to feel guilty about how much CO2 is
coming from the exhaust pipe of your 4x4 or 747, not when youre paying for other
people to take care of the problem.
Not that anyone can, but when youre at an awareness-raising rock concert at
Wembley, it really does feel like youre making a difference. In fact, the ASOWL tax
system is the solution to all global problems

Buy the book to find out how!

3. Cracking Your D 'n' A Code - Dreams 'n' Aspirations

3. Cracking Your D 'n' A Code
Dreams 'n' Aspirations

and the creative applications e.g.

I wish my crappy car was a sports car, and
VROOM! Pimp my Ride comes along.

I wish there were biscuits that could help me digest food, and
POOF! we have digestive biscuits.

I wish I was younger, and
YOUTH! 40 is the new 20 becomes an advertising catchphrase.

I wish I was free to follow my dreams and create the world I wanted, and
FREEDOM! Just do it becomes a tagline.

I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair, and
Internet Sensation on MYSPACE! Sandy Thom has a massive hit.

I wish I could do the same, but I have nothing much to say. I wish I could be
inspired in some way

O SPARX 3: DESCRIBE THE SYMPTOMS OF THE PROBLEM THEN WISH IT AWAY

SONG 4 WAKE ME SHOCK ME SHAKE ME OUT OF MY STUPID ZONE
. [LYRIX]
I WISH I HAD SOMETHING TO SAY
THAT WOULD MAKE YOU STOP AND THINK AND GO WHAT? NO WAY!
BUT I GOT NOTHING, ZIP
HAVENT EVEN GOT A CLUE
AS IM THINKING, TALKING TO YOU
IM JUST MAKING IT UP AS I GO ALONG
SO I CAN TAKE YOU TO THE CATCHY PART OF MY SONG
THAT GOES SOMETHING LIKE

IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE PLAY ON
I AGREE, BUT NOT THE SAME OLD SONG
CHANGE THE RHYTHM
PLAY ME A WHOLE NEW MELODY
LET ME DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
TO CHANGE IT ALL AROUND

WAKE ME SHOCK ME SHAKE ME OUT OF MY STUPID ZONE
I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVENLY INSPIRATION
WAKE ME SHOCK ME SHAKE ME OUT OF MY STUPID ZONE
TELL ME SOMETHING I DONT KNOW



O SPARX 4: JUMP TO A CONCLUSION BASED ON LITTLE EVIDENCE

O SPARX 5: WHATS THE BIG GLAMOROUS IDEA?

D 'n' A makes you STUBID: Specially Talented from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.
Once you know your Dreams 'n' Aspirations, youre awarded all kinds of special talents,
like how to:

1. Think fast
2. Make connections that only you can see
3. Remember what you need to remember
4. Forget what you can happily forget
5. Run your life based on what you want to believe
not what people like you are supposed to believe
6. Fantasize: O SPARX 6: USE FLEXIGRAMS TO FANTASIZE

How the human mind has unlimited thought capacity.

Why were like ants were building some kind of anthill like we know what we
need without a clue as to what were building.

7. Use your SKIL: Specialised Knowledge of Intuitive Leadership

How do you know what you know?

Whats your idiot savant index? Geniuses and idiot savants have access to
private information that makes them do certain things brilliantly and other things
idiotically. So do the rest of us! Were all special cases.

What kind of exclusive information do you have access to and how can you use it?



Where does the fuel for innovation come from?

Your wantasee is your own collection of ideas based entirely on the way you want to
see things. Its pre-programmed by your D 'n' A Dreams 'n' Aspirations, which
come from your ancient past.

When your D 'n' A doesnt happen for various reasons beyond your control, you
become stressed out, causing ART Automatic Radical Thoughts, which are
DANGEROUS: Depressing Angry Non-Generic Exclusive Risky Outrageous Unique
Sad.

The negative thoughts working against your positive D 'n' A creates a volatile fuel,
essential for innovation. The battle between these two forces is what your internal
struggle is all about, and the only way to deal with it is to follow your wantasee:

SONG 5 YOUR WANTASEE . [LYRIX]

IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU FIND IN YOUR ANALYTICAL MIND
THINGS THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW
DON'T NEED TO SEE
AND DON'T YOU WISH THERE'D BE SOME MEDICINE
THAT WOULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY?
WELL HELLO THERE IS

IT'S YOUR WANTASEE
THE WAY YOU WISH THAT THE WORLD COULD BE
THAT'S YOUR WANTASEE
THE WAY YOU REARRANGE REALITY
SO MUCH MORE THAN A POINT OF VIEW
ITS THE WHOLE WORLD ACCORDING TO YOU

Lets get into the intricate details of how it all happens:

4. The Two Trains of Thought - Circle & Destination

4. The Two Trains of Thought
Circle & Destination

Our thoughtmosphere is mapped out like The London underground there are circular
arguments that spiral to nowhere but are useful for transport to destination
arguments.

But whats different about the thoughtmosphere is that its multidimensional at any
point youre free to hop on your own train of thought to take you to a place nobodys
ever been before your wantasee, the way you want to see things. These are the
trains that lead to innovation
A wantasee is your own train of thought, but no matter how original it is, it has to
come from another train travelling on a circular line of thought, called a SCLITMOH:
Sources Conveniently Lost In The Mist Of History
These are the arguments and assumptions learned by OSKNOWSIS that are so old its
impossible to trace the source. Theyre not good, bad, right or wrong. Theyre simply
common thread arguments that connect minds through common knowledge.
Just like the circular train lines (or the North Circular / M25) they carry passengers in
opposite directions and nobody travels for more than a half circle before exiting for
their destination, unless they dont know how the system works, in which case theyll
go around in circles forever.

In the thoughtmosphere you cant stay on them for too long because they spiral to
nowhere (even eternal bliss will get boring after a while), which means theyre only
useful for transport to wantasee or for finding yourself trains of thought that take you
to innovation destinations.

Opposite direction circular arguments connect everyone, which is why they make up
the basic plots of horoscopes, movies, advertising campaigns, self-help books,
conference titles or advice in general:
Grow up and get real Discover the child within
Settle down Live it up
Save & invest Live like theres no tomorrow
Balance / moderation is the key to life Live fast, die young
Just do it Just get someone else to do it / Delegate!
Its your fault Its not your fault
Youre a worthless piece of crap in the cosmos Youre the centre of the universe
Ignorance is bliss Information is everything
Go with the flow Stand up for what you believe
Think inside the paradox Think outside the box
Be yourself Be somebody else
Thats just the way it is It doesnt have to be this way
Good things come to those who wait Get what you want NOW! But you gotta
want it!
You cant control the past or future Its not about NOW its about the future!
so live for NOW
These are just some of the circular arguments you would have to use as transport to
your exit that leads to a destination of your choice.

5. Mental GPS - Follow Your Fascination

5. Mental GPS
Follow Your Fascination

Mental GPS works by following your fascination. Learn to use it and youll get swept
away on a current of creativity.

Coming up - answers to BIG QUESTIONS:
How do we get ideas?
How do thoughts travel?
How do they collide to form ideas?
How do thoughts become atoms?
How does simultaneous thought happen between people in different parts of the
thoughtmosphere?
How coincidental are coincidences?
Is there a limit to what we can think?
How exactly is the flow of information in our thoughtmosphere related to the
mysterious forces running our luniverse?
What happens when information from the past connects with information from the
future via you?
Just how close is insanity to genius and what happens if we erase the line?
Who or what keeps sending me messages and why to me? I know that the events
of my dreams and the real world are the courier service but whos the sender?
Whos providing the script for our dreams and the stimulus for our ART (Automatic
Radical Thoughts)?
g
From: thestimulus@luniverse.com
To: petergreenwall@physicalworld.com
CC: god@metaphysicalworld.com, you@whereverUR.com
Subject: The answer to your question
Date: NOW

How am I going to answer all these questions?
By making up answers that are based on reality, but inspired by professional
bullshitting creative non-fiction, calculated guessing, pseudo science, fantasy
theories. Its this combination of logic and stupidity that makes thought navigation
possible.

To break through knowledge barriers, its vital that we send reconnaissance parties of
travel writers into dangerous unknown metaphysical territory to gather vital combat
intelligence. For those interested, Ive organised such a party and if youre brave and
stupid enough youre welcome to come along.

If not then skip to the next chapter and wait for the rest of us there.

If youre insane enough to follow me on this inventure, then go back and read the
warning on Page 12 and let's go:



O SPARX 8: CHECK YOUR INSANITY QUOTIENT
YOU MIGHT BE A GENIUS

If you're the only guy out there doing something, everybody questions your sanity
- Paul Moller, whos still trying to invent the VTOL personal sky car after 40 years.

This is the kind of insanity Im talking about. The kind caused by obsessive passion-
following. The kind that Steve Jobs spoke about at the D5 conference with Bill Gates
(31/5/07):

What we do is so hard that any rational person would give up. Those who are
successful love what they did so they persevered. The ones who didnt love it quit
because theyre sane. Who would want to put up with this stuff if you dont love it?

SONG 31 WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY? . [LYRIX]

LOVING YOUR LIFE IS ALL YOU NEED FOR SURVIVING

O SPARX 9: ERASE THE LINE BETWEEN GENIUS & INSANITY
USING GOOGLEDASH


O SPARX 10: MONITOR YOUR INTERNAL DIALOGUE 4
Talk to your imaginary friends / dysfunctions, then transcribe the conversation.
(But get a Bluetooth headset if youre going to talk out loud in public places.)

mMMovies dilog wMoviePitch Voices
Sketch title: Dysfunctional Inspiration -My dysfunction wants 20%
The script for this movie is a direct transcription from my
internal dialogue that just happened a few seconds ago, so it's
based on a true story:

The scene - a conversation booth in Starbucks. Im writing on my
laptop and other people in my booth are doing the same. A Voice
Over reads my thoughts as I write them.
VO: All creators - scientists, philosophers, scriptwriters =
inventors of any kind must have had dialogues with the
metaphysical (metalogues) before revealing any of their
discoveries. And whats more, these conversations could have
carried on for years before they came up with things like I
think, therefore I am, big bang, atoms, gravity,
telephone, satellite navigation, beer in a can, sliced
bread, bread with the crust taken off.
How long did they keep silent about these discoveries before
talking about them? Who was Einstein talking to when he first
came up with E = mc
2
? Is the only difference between genius and
insanity a matter of decibels?
[Cut to a shot of someone sitting alone, talking loudly on a
Bluetooth headset, using his hands and getting worked up.]
With Bluetooth earpieces getting smaller, how do you know whos
insane and whos on the phone?
[Cut to a shot of people on laptops, instant messaging from
myspace and other social networking sites.]
What makes it okay to talk to your imaginary friends on myspace,
but not to the imaginary characters you create for your movie
script, cartoon or painting?
[Cut to a shot of a child speaking to her doll, clearly lost in a
moment of imagination.]

Why is it okay for kids to talk out loud to imaginary friends,
but not adults? What does it mean to have a healthy
imagination? What are we supposed to be thinking about? And
why cant we always control what we think about? Even more
importantly - who exactly am I talking to as I write this?
Theres nobody here and yet Im talking to someone, because this
Voice Over youre listening to wasnt around when I wrote this,
was it? And nor were you. So theres definitely an internal
stimulus providing the entertainment. Whos there? Yes, YOU!
Whose thoughts are these that I find so entertaining? If theyre
mine, then is this a form of narcissistic personality disorder?
Could I be schizophrenic? Or is it just regular multiple
personality disorder? I tell you what... All of you disorders
can discuss this amongst yourselves and Ill just take notes.
Hows that?



[At this point the people sitting in my conversation booth
become my various dysfunctions (D1- D4), and I have it out with
them.]

D1: Brilliant.

D2: Thank you.

D3: Hey, that was my idea!

D2: No it wasnt. I thought of it first.

D1 (to me): Are you getting this?

ME: Absolutely, every word. In fact Ive been taking notes
since we started. Where do think this whole book comes from?

D1: But I didnt say you could!

ME: I dont need your permission; as my dysfunctions youre my
muse. Thats your job - to inspire and entertain me.

D2: Oh you think this is funny, do you? You think all your
disorders are a big joke, dont you?

ME (laughing): Well actually, yes I do. Did you hear that?
That was me laughing. Thats how I know its funny. Would you
rather I took you lot to therapy, because I will you know. My
whole family says I should go.

D4 (sings): They tried to make me go to therapy; I say NO NO
NO.

ME: Not funny. Thats it, were going to therapy.

D3: No No NO, no therapy, please! Remember what happened last
time.

ME: Exactly, so let's not go there. Ill just keep
entertaining all my thoughts.

D4: You mean us.

ME: Yes, you guys...and youll carry on entertaining me, just
as you do. And well work together to write a book about
innovation. What do you say?

D1: Yeah whatever.

ME: What do you mean 'whatever'?

D1 & D3 together: We dont care what you...sorry, go ahead.

D1: I was just going to say that we dont care what you write
about because, either way, were going to be involved. Youre
nothing without us, which is why we want commission.

ME: Commission? What are we talking here?

D3: 20%.

ME: Fuck that! No personality disorder ever got 20%. The
standard is 10.



D4: Theres loads of us to feed here.

ME: Well just how many disorders have I got?

D2: Everything thats known about...youve got em all, my
friend. Plus at least another 10 you invented yourself, you
twat. Why did you do that? What were you thinking? You dont
think theres enough of us?

ME: I needed more inspiration. Okay look, 15%, no more.

[All the dysfunctions turn back into real people, reading and
sitting at their laptops.]

Real person: Excuse me? Did you ask me something?

Me: Uhm, no, I didnt say anything.

D1: 20% or we all shut the fuck up and youll have nothing to
feed off.

ME: Okay, okay, 20%.

D2: Plus a credit in the book and freeze frames on the rolling
titles when its made into a movie.

ME: No freeze frames. Thats just for the producer, the
cinematography, the director...

D4: And who do you think is directing the movie of your mind?
Huh? Who do you think came up with the whole dysfunctional idea
in the first place?

ME: I thought I got that from Larry David.

D2: And who do you think gave him that idea? Huh? That was
me! His MPD!

ME: Well just how many people are you working for here?

D3: The entire film industry.

ME: What?

D3: I have loads of clients, and not just scriptwriters either.
You should see my resume - Ive worked for religion writers,
philosophers, scientists, murderers...

ME: Murderers? You mean you might make me do a Cho Seung Hui
just so I can express myself?

D3: Actually, I dont do those anymore. That would be Freddy.
He was responsible for that one, sick bastard.

ME: Whos Freddy? Wheres Freddy?

D4: We fired him. Creative differences.

ME: Well, how do I know he wont come back? How do I know you
guys wont go nasty on me?

D1: Oh we definitely will if you dont make us famous.



D3: We want fame, lots of it. We want to live forever in books
and movies, and we want freeze frame credits. Were tired of
working the backroom of your mind, never being acknowledged, all
our best takes getting cut.

ME: Okay, Ill give you freeze frame credits. Who are they?

D4: Ill give you a list.

D2: I want mine big, like BASED ON IDEAS BY PETER GREENWALLS
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

ME: No way! Thats just embarrassing. Im not doing that.
Isnt it enough that I mention you all in the book? Like in
the acknowledgements section?
How about I just transcribe this conversation and that way
people will know its you doing all the thinking, not me.

D3: Freeze frames or we go on strike!

ME: Okay, okay! Hey, did I mention that I love you guys?
Thanks to you I can fill a whole book without doing any research
or talking to any real people, did you know that?

D4: Of course we knew that. But you should still get a
girlfriend. People are starting to talk.

ME: Why? Youre like the best friends I ever had.

D1: Okay, now youre starting to scare me, and Im your
dysfunction. You cant live your whole life with us. You need
real friends, and a family of your own. Get a life!

ME: But you guys piss me off just like a real girlfriend and a
real family!

D2: Dude, you seriously need to get a life. Were not your
family.

Now see, that back and forth with my dysfunctions you just witnessed didnt just
happen overnight.

It took years to figure out how to use my internal dialogue as a stimulus for creation,
and now you can do it too.

Every time you hear yourself saying something like this is doing my head in or I cant
cope, Im heading for a breakdown, etc., is really a time you should be saying we
need to talk, which is when you have it out with your people, and then transcribe it
like I just did.



Issues = misalignment = innovation opportunity 4

The internal dialogue is the source of all questions, like: are these voices you just
heard normal or are they the ones that make you certifiable? How different are they
to the ones that give instructions to humans to kill their fellow humans, or to create
religions and scientific discoveries?

If shrinks were around to send the first inventors to loony bins, would we have missed
out on religion, science, philosophy, feng shui, tennis, television, kitchen tiles and all
other man-made wonders of the world?

I feel a movie coming on, triggered by the following contradiction: if anybody today
claims theyre being spoken to by God, theyd be considered to have serious
psychological problems, so how did Moses & Co get away with it? Whats the
difference between now and then?

Why cant I claim that my book of creation was inspired by the word of God? Why is
nobody updating the Bible with more additional words from God? Why has the cat got
Gods tongue all of a sudden? Or is He talking to many, but nobodys brave enough to
admit it?

This is where R&D therapy comes in to help you get to answer all your rhetorical
questions yourself by setting your confusion to music, products and movies. So
wheres the movie in this misalignment? Here it is



mMMovies dilog wMoviePitch Moses in Therapy

The scene - God has recently completed the universe, seen that
it was good, mostly, except for one colossal error: He forgot
to install a belief system in mankind that would maintain peace
and harmony between all His creations. Figuring the best way
to install the belief system would be by word of mouth, he
opens a dialogue with a few chosen prophets to see who could be
trusted to spread His word around. After an intensive
interviewing process involving IQ tests and the ability to
slaughter animals, the selection is narrowed down to a final
cut of 12. One of the prophets, Moses, is not happy with what
hes been asked to do, and seeks professional help to deal with
his issues with God. This is where we pick up the action:

Put the writers of religions in therapy and have them battle
through their issues with their psychologist, psychiatrist,
psychoanalyst, Dr Phil, Jerry Springer (God talks to me),
psychic healer or whichever counselling method you know most
about, because youre going to ask the questions. Whatever
field of therapy you choose, assume that it was just as
advanced back then as it is now. Also assume that smoking
cannabis was the most popular recreational activity at the
time. Now start questioning, assessing, diagnosing, treating
and rehabilitating various kinds of mental illness its all
up to you to cure your patient by explaining what the voices
are and how they should be interpreted, thereby changing the
course of history in the process.
Choose any prophet and text you like, creating your own
subheading under the title of [name of messenger] in therapy.

NOTES: Be very careful which questions you choose and how you
frame them.
In the interest of global safety and security, prophet Mohammed
is off limits for this project. Also note that youll be
slightly safer questioning your own Belief System than the BS
of others, but not by much.
Always bear in mind that its a fine line between curiosity,
comedy and blasphemy. Think Bruce & Evan Almighty, South Park,
Simpsons, Life of Brian or any of your favourite authors who
have put religion on trial without a Salmon Rushdie ordeal.
Were all dying to see your take. Remember that your fiction
disclaimer will protect you! Now get creative and upload your
version.

6. Guessedge - Knowledge In Progress

6. Guessedge
Knowledge In Progress

How the universe runs on subjectivity - i.e. your personal BIAS: Belief In A Solution.
Why do we bother to make or say anything at all?
Where does the desire of self-expression come from?
All can be explained by way of the three desires of guessedge or self-expression:

1) To figure things out on our own.
2) To express that thing to someone.
3) To be right / accepted.

Am I right? Sure I am. Now pay me.

Only once your guessedge is validated, can it become knowledge, and theres usually a
pay cheque involved. So how much are your opinions worth?

Guessedge explains why:

Adam took a bite of the apple.
The chicken crossed the road.
Nothing beats genuine self-help.
We like stories, brainteasers, quiz shows, gambling.
We like social networking e.g. facebook, myspace, youtube.
We like interactive media news opinion polls, voting on X-factor & Big Brother.
We dont like manuals or asking for directions.
The most popular books of all time (such as The Bible or the Ikea catalogue) dont
have bibliographies.

Why? Because being interesting is more important than being accurate.
Why? Because were after hysterical accuracy; not historical accuracy.
Why? Because guessedge is more exciting than knowledge.
Why? Because subjectivity runs the universe:
Only one person can break things down and see connections like you can. The
universe somehow knows this, which is why it has sneaky ways of getting you to
express yourself via these three desires, which is why we discuss them in detail.

The only way to turn guessedge into knowledge is to throw it up and watch it fly:

SONG 6 THROW IT UP AND WATCH IT FLY . [LYRIX]

ITS A HIT OR A FLOP OR ITS OVER THE TOP
OR IT SUCKS AND YOU DONT KNOW WHY
IS IT HIP IS IT HOT
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT
UNTIL YOU THROW IT UP AND WATCH IT FLY

7. The Movie of Your Mind


Whats showing on yours and how are you directing it?

ART Automatic Radical Thoughts comes from having serious creative differences
with the big producer in the sky but you cant walk off the set, and this is what the
internal struggle is all about.

The script youre given is hysterical or highly dramatic but you cant act it out because
it would be frowned upon, too embarrassing, offensive, not PC or youd get arrested or
killed.
So what happens? All the really dramatic and funny thoughts get cut and all the polite
bullshit comes out instead.

So, what were going to do is get inside the editing room of your mind, find all the
scenes that you cut, and put them put them back together so you can write your best
material.

15 Movies of My Mind how would you direct them?

1) Explode your overload on people who freak you out

Three movies youre going to direct in order to explode your overload:

a) Explode your overload this is a general freak-out at someone for a specific
reason.
b) Celebrity Chicken yes, you have celebs who irritate the @$% out of you.
But faced with a real live encounter, would you tell them that to their face?
c) Celebrity Role Reversal you need to be an actual celebrity for this one.

mMMovies dilog

Do I know you?

(The Paul McCartney sketch, though feel free to substitute a celeb of your choice.)

mMMovies {shtix dilog
2) Motivational speaker hell
If I start saying things that dont make sense, and then to make
it worse I start repeating myself, what are you going to do?

mMMovies
3) Life-threatening situations: The DuMBLBIT Dilemma:
Does My Bum Look Big In This? The solution



The porno movie of your mind (male director): 5 sketches:

mMmovies viz dilog {shtix
4) Honesty is the key to a good relationship, but if that doesnt work...

mMMovies viz dilog {shtix
5) The Swedish Aupair - whats your angle of approach?

mMMovies dilog {shtix
6) Isnt she just edible? (picking up yummy mums 1a)

mMMovies dilog {shtix
7) The Gatecrasher
The problem with gate crashing a party is that you dont know
whos attached to who, which makes it difficult to hook up
with anyone. You cant go around asking people if theyre
single, so you have to fire off loads of questions and fake
interest in answers until you hear something like yeah I was
just telling my boyfriend that... which would be your cue to
get a drink at the bar. It would be so much easier if you
could just make a short speech:
[Tapping on glass.] Listen up, people. I have an
announcement: I gate-crashed this party, which automatically
makes me the mysterious guy, as in ooh someone thats not
from the crowd you know, exciting. Now heres the deal. I
came here looking to hook up with someone...like tonight,
possibly even take things further if things work out. So to
save us all time, energy and embarrassment, by show of hands,
who of you lovely ladies are single? I said lovely ladies, so
you, you and you can put your hands down. No not you, youre
okay...the girl behind you. Yes you...could put your hand
down please. Excellent. Now if you could all hold that pose
while I take a picture for future reference...dont move.
[Click.] Terrific, thanks for your time, carry on
socialising.
Not going to happen, is it? Meshugganah movies like these
have to get cut from real life and redirected to Wedding
Crasher / Dumb & Dumber type movies. (Possibly even Curb
Your Enthusiasm if George Costanza made a guest appearance.)
This is your chance to shoot it your way. Just do it!



mMMovies dilog
8) Unzip Me The porno movie of her mind (for female directors)

SONG 7 UNZIP ME . [LYRIX]

YOU WANNA WHAT ME?
DID I HEAR YOU CORRECTLY?
DONT LET YOUR MOUTH WRITE CHEQUES
THAT YOUR BODY CANNOT CASH
RATHER GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD
COS THATS ALWAYS HARD
WHEN I NEED IT TO BE
AND IM NOT IN THE MOOD TONIGHT
FOR YOUR TESTOSTERONE
MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARING ON ME

SO UNZIP ME BABY
SET ME FREE
LET ME SHOW YOU ROUND MY BODY
YOURE GOING DOWN
YOURE GOING DOWN ON ME X 2

BABY LET ME WRAP MY LEGS AROUND YOU
LEMME FEEL YOUR BODY ROCK TILL YOU HEAR ME SCREAM
GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME X 2
UNZIP ME BABY SET ME FREE
VIVA LA BEAVER FEVER
YOURE GOING DOWN ON ME
UNZIP ME BABY YOURE GOING DOWN ON ME

mMMovies viz
9) The wave and run how to avoid stop & chats



10) How are you doing?
What if you were to answer the checkout person properly?
Im good thanks, and you? Bullshit. Youre far from good.
Let's take a look at whats going on with you:
Well actually you know, Im not having such a good day. I
have my mother-in-law staying with me, making me buy all these
things that I wouldnt normally buy, and giving me advice on
how to run my life; telling me I dont know how to discipline
my children properly, and that they eat badly. So here I am
buying things that I know they dont like. I mean look at
these things carrots, celery, leeks. THEYRE ALL GOING TO
DIE! Granny you killed the kids. Are you happy now?

And just like that, youve created the parody title of a new
movie. All because you unloaded your ART instead of
suppressing it all with: Im good thanks.
The movie of your mind started in drama and ended in a real
movie; a comedy based on the universal theme of grandmothers
who create havoc in families when they come to stay.
wMoviePitch: Granny you killed the kids.

11) Your principles vs. the Ten Commandments

mMMovies {shtix
12) Winning the lottery (in your mind)

13) Brainstorming why some ideas are too ridiculous

Its inevitable, the leader of the brainstorm session will
eventually say: Come on guys, no idea is too ridiculous.

What happens? You think of ideas so ridiculous youd get
fired if you suggested them. Like this one: Since every
suggestion we come up with only means more work for the same
salary, how about we all stop making suggestions and you just
double our salaries?

So it appears there are some ideas that are too ridiculous -
the really good ones - the stuff thats too hot for release,
or if they do come out its around the water cooler, and they
make everyone laugh, right up until someone says: No, but
seriously...

O SPARX 12: WATCH OUT FOR THE PHRASE NO, BUT SERIOUSLY
Start monitoring all conversations that end with no, but
seriously, jokes aside and you cant possibly do that.
Youll find your best ideas in conversations that explore the
absurd.



{Shtix
14) Laughter the cause of The Big Bang
O SPARX 13: MONITOR KEY MOMENTS OF LAUGHTER

{Shtix 4Just4Jews
15) The Day of Atonement more evidence that stupidity is beyond our control

Just because we seem to be able to direct the movie of our
mind, doesnt mean were any good at it.
We still make huge embarrassing mistakes that will have to be
accounted and apologised for at some point. In fact,
stupidity is so out of control that all religions have a way
of dealing with it: everything can be rectified by confession
and asking for forgiveness, i.e. atonement.

As far as my religion goes, the opportunity comes in the form
of Yom Kippur or Day of Atonement, when we ask for forgiveness
for exactly the same mistakes we make every year - apparently
we just dont learn.
That in itself is the cause of more internal struggle: how
can I apologise like I mean it when I know Im coming back the
following year to apologise for exactly the same mistakes?
How can I expect God to take me seriously when Im back for
the 28th time? (Pre bar mitzvah doesnt count.)
Every year I manage to find a new way to break every rule in
the book. That makes me either highly creative or a
pathological nutcase. What the hell is wrong with me? In any
other court of law Id be locked away forever on my 3
rd

offence!
Nevertheless, Yom Kippur is very good for creative therapy,
because at least once a year youre forced to reflect on
exactly how stupid youve been, and to openly admit that:

1) We are not producing the movie of the mind - were clearly
having Automatic Radical Thoughts.

2) Our interpretation of the script will always make us do
stupid things.

3) We cant be trusted to apologise on our own - it must done
at an official gathering in synagogue, with others who are
just as guilty of doing stupid things like you, or else it
wont count.
(You can tell whos done the stupidest things - theyre the
guys punching their chest the hardest in the Al Chayt
section.)

Thats how seriously out of whack we are. Its this wackiness
that you need to focus on as it reveals your STUBID, which
needs to come out. How do we do that?


RELEASING THE MOVIE OF YOUR MIND: your disclaimer will set you free

THE ARTIST & BUSINESS DISCLAIMER The lie that protects you

1) THE ARTIST DISCLAIMER {shtix

The formal version of relax, Im just kidding with you is called the artist disclaimer.
You see it at the end of movies or sitcoms and usually it goes something like this: any
correlation between this movie and reality is purely coincidental.

This lie has been designed to protect the artist, who can now expose the truth through
the genre of fiction simply by giving fictional names to real characters from the artists
life.

Examples:

Disclaimer: Scott Adams has no connection to the character of Dilbert. That boss was
never his and whats more, hes never met any of those colleagues before.
LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE

Disclaimer: The fictional characters in the Simpsons do not represent the stereotype of
every group or culture in America or the rest of the world. We have no idea why
multiple layers of humour translate into every culture across the globe. Its just a
cartoon, okay? LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE

Disclaimer: Zapiros cartoons are not related to real events in South Africa.
LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE

Disclaimer: Logical Stupidity is a fictitious comedy musical. Anything that turns out to
be true is purely coincidental. LIE LAH LIE LIE LIE

The artist disclaimer is therefore a very important lie, since it allows you to tell the
truth. This logically stupid device is the ultimate way to expose contradictions, see the
funny side of everything, destroy all cultural barriers and expose all kinds of stupidity
in yourself and others. What kind of stupidity? Xenophobia, homophobia, sexism,
racism, whateverism within your belief system or others. If youre a comic genius like
Sacha Baron Cohen you can do it all in 3 characters:
Borat, Ali G & Bruno.

The artist disclaimer is also the most effective way to release your alter ego or sub
personality. You do it naturally every time you role-play, speak in a strange voice or
put on a foreign accent. But if you want to become a professional bullshitter youre
going to need to define your characters. That means youre going to need an Ali G,
Vicky Pollard, Lou & Andy, the boss from The Office or a Dilbert to express your
frustrations at work. But these are all taken, so make up your own!

You could start by calling your character 'M. Barass'. Now every time you do, say or
see something embarrassing, write it down and let M. Barras say it for you, so you
dont have to embarrass yourself.

Whatever character you choose, your disclaimer will always protect you!
(terms & conditions apply)



2) THE BUSINESS DISCLAIMER {shtix

The business disclaimer comes in the form of Terms & Conditions (T&C) and has a
dual purpose:

1) To make your product kosher.

2) To give your customers ideas they would never have thought of had they not read
your disclaimer or warning. For example:

The use of Yahoo groups to trade naked pictures of yourself or your ex-
girlfriend is strictly forbidden. You may also not use a webcam to show your
willy to anyone.

Knowing that your disclaimer will always protect you, gives you the freedom to sing:

ADDsonge . from WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE

WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE; WE HAVE TO MAKE MONEY

YOU KNOW ITS A RUSE
SO MANY LIES
AND THEN YOU BECOME THE VERY THING THAT YOU DESPISE / ADMIRE

DONT YOU THINK WE LOOK RIDICULOUS DOING WHAT WE DO
OH BUT WERE SERIOUS ABOUT REVENUE

WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE
WE HAVE TO MAKE MONEY



O SPARX 15: YOU GOTTA GET GOOD @ GUESSEDGE

ADDsonge . GOT TO GET GOOD AT GUESSING

Before we get going on how to get good at guessing, be aware that youre doing it
already every time youre forced to make sense of something that doesnt make
sense. For example:

Youre trying to follow directions but you cant read your writing, or theres traffic.
Youre trying to follow a recipe but you dont have all the ingredients.
Youre doing paint-by-numbers but you dont have all the colours.
Youre trying to assemble an Ikea flat-pack, but youre having trouble, because:
You have a few mysterious parts or missing parts or youve already used the
parts for something else.
The manual is just not right.
Youre just a little bit stupid.

With all situations like this, youre going to have to go with an informed guess. You
can never learn from mistakes, because each mistake you make is unique.

When you cant phone a friend and you cant look it up on Google, youre forced to use
guessedge.

Now that you know youre doing it already, here are 4 warm up exercises to prepare
for the ProBull League: Professional Bullshitting League, otherwise known as
PIFYAFFING: Pulling Ideas From Your Aspirations For FINancial Gain.




O SPARX 16: PLAY TOUR GUIDE
Imagine youre an actor working a part-time job as a tour
guide for a London sightseeing company, catering exclusively
for Japanese tourists. They understand English but they know
nothing about London or British Culture. With a wild
imagination like yours theres no possible way you could play
it straight. Off you go...

PiX: London Eye with caption: Londons Big Bicycle Wheel.

...and on our left, across the Zambezi river, is the Big
Bicycle Wheel. Constructed in 1999 under the code name
London Eye, it was designed to encourage more cyclists to
commute, not only to promote a healthier London but also to
solve the congestion problem.
st
On the 31 of January 2003, Sally Newyear, a big beautiful
woman who got tired of feeling guilty about not cycling to
work, decided to blow it up, but her plot was foiled and to
this day we celebrate New Years Eve with a fireworks display
over the Big Bicycle Wheel.
This is why Big Beautiful Women in London don't celebrate New
Years Eve but BBW day the next day, where they get together
with their families for picnics in parks that have views of
the Big Bicycle Wheel. It didnt take long for BBW to become
the international symbol for not having to cycle anywhere,
because the wheel doesnt go anywhere either.
Other cities soon followed the example, choosing various other
big beautiful round things to celebrate their freedom day -
balloons, stadiums, globes, etc. And if they couldnt find
anything, then the sun would do just fine, and if there was no
sun then the moon, and if neither were visible because they
were inside, then a massive round plate of food would do the
job. You probably havent heard of this because BBW is not
that big in Japan...

[Director notes - feel free to play tour guide with any
tourist attractions wherever you live. Or play tour guide to
a visitor/new recruit of your office/house - any story you can
make up that your tourist would never know the difference.]


O SPARX 17: PLAY INTERPREATION (CREATIVE INTERPRETATION)
Also known as what is it? or what the F$%^ does the artist
mean by this?

>PiX/Cartoon: A finger painting signed Van Gogh adult.
>PiX/Cartoon: A Dali painting signed Dali sane person.

Go to a modern art gallery. Instead of reading the
inscription at the bottom explaining exactly what technique
and inspiration the artist used, make up your own.
To help you do that, you can sing this reggae song:

ADDsonge . - REGGAE GROOVE

WHAT IS IT PUPPYDOG, WHAT IS IT? X 2
WHOS THAT? WHATS THAT? WHATS THAT WHO?
WHATEVER DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

Then read the inscription or take the tour and compare your
answers. If yours are way more interesting, then well done -
thats good guessedge! If you feel confident you could pull
it off in front of people without cracking yourself up, then
youve just created a job for yourself as a tour guide of any
art gallery. To build up your confidence, start practising on
American tourists, then move on to little children, then
Japanese tourists, and eventually work your way up to the
European and English, but try to avoid groups of art students.

[MMovies: anything is art]
The aim of this exercise is to prove that Marcell Duchamp was
right - anything is art.

At your local modern art gallery, see if you can gather a
crowd around you just by staring at ordinary objects in a most
contemplative manner, e.g. an air conditioner, emergency exit
door, broom closet, pile of stacked chairs, a viewing bench,
an escalator, etc. Now, as you stare at each object, think up
a new name, e.g. Fully clothed people descending an
escalator. Write your new interpretation on an A4 sheet and
stick it over a portable sign, which you must now place next
to your art installation.
Try to avoid being seen by the security guards as you do this.
Watch in amazement as crowds begin to gather. Try to engage
in conversation with curious onlookers. Tell them youre the
artist and ask them what they think of your new work. Capture
all the interviews on video.
If youre not into the added adrenalin rush of possibly
getting caught, then arrange consent for the entire shoot, as
an art or filmmaking student.


If you find it difficult to get permission, then you can still
make your point by labelling ordinary objects outside the
gallery - e.g. if theres a fountain outside you could call it
The Urinal, and persuade a few kids to go pee on it. When
youre politely asked to leave then start relabelling objects
of nature - e.g. trees, plants, squirrels. Ask curious
onlookers what you think the artist formerly known as God was
trying to communicate when she designed these various artworks
running around with labels on them.
These are just guidelines for creating new life by redefining
old life.
Other things to note for your movie:
If youre not going to take on the role of the artist when
talking to camera, then whoever you are youre an expert in
your field, and your inserted title should reflect that - e.g.
Your name, Dr/ professor/expert of Interpreation, Institute
of Logical Stupidity. Youre free to make up your title or
field of expertise, but stick to a similar theme so its clear
that youre working on the anything is art sketch.
Once youre done, post it on www.logicalstupidity.com where it
becomes eligible for the main movie.

mMMovies {shtix
O SPARX 18: PLAY FOUND IN TRANSLATION
Get yourself into an interpreting situation. For example:

1) Write your own subtitles for foreign films or operas.
2) Translate what technical help desk personnel are trying
to tell you.
3) Film animals in a zoo and translate what theyre saying
to each other.
4) Film people socializing at a cocktail party. Now pretend
youre an expert lip reader and translate their dialogue.
5) Sabotage the rolling scroll bar that shows the subtitles
at a live Italian Opera, like La Traviata and insert
your own hysterical English translations. Get loads of
reaction shots from the audience.
6) Translate any situation where communication is clearly
going on but you have no idea whats being said.

Just do it!


O SPARX 19: PLAY PREDICTABLE (BEAUTIFULLY TYPICAL)
Do you ever push peoples buttons just to see them react the
way you expect them to react? Do you ever wonder why you ask
people questions when you know what their answers will be?
Hey, me too! This is the way I enjoy learning - by
continuously testing my ability to predict outcomes I can make
accurate judgement calls.

Turns out Forest Gump was right about life being like a box of
chocolates, but for the wrong reason: you do know, more or
less, what youre going to get if you just read the menu under
the lid of the box where each chocolate is explained in great
detail. That menu is called hindsight.

Lets say you have a production meeting coming up for the
early stages of a new project. You know its going to involve
brainstorming, but what else can you safely predict?
The visionary (usually the boss) will say something like
anythings possible, mostly because he doesnt have to do
anything.
Finance will say no because its out of the budget.
Lawyers will say they want to take a closer look at it.
Management will just want to know the names of everyone
involved so they can blame someone when the whole thing goes
tits up.

And thats keeping it general! Now try predicting the answers
of people you know. Start with easy questions and then move
on to a few curve balls that you can safely predict answers
to, e.g. mom, I think I might be gay, what are we going to do
about it? or mom, Im going to need an operation on my knee,
just letting you know.

Before asking the question, tell the camera what you think the
answer is likely to be - e.g. for the gay question: well we
need to bring in the authorities; we have to talk to the
rabbi, and for the operation question the answer is likely to
be: if I had listened to doctors I would have had a hundred
operations by now. What you need is to take glucosamine
sulphate tablets for your joints and not play so much tennis.
Youre not 20 anymore. Take it easier.

Or similar words to that effect. Try to capture the answer on
tape just to see how close you were. How will we know if
youve staged it? We wont, but you will, and the object is
to get good at predicting outcomes, so youre only fooling
yourself.
But as your audience, we wont know, so if you cant make
predictions, at least make it look like you can.



Once you start getting the easy ones right, youre ready to move
on to people you dont know that well, but choose slightly more
appropriate questions. Keep monitoring predictions vs. outcomes
and eventually youll figure out your opponents argument before
they do.

This system is used by lawyers who need to predict their
oppositions line of attack - e.g. if the law is on their side
theyll argue the law, and if its not then theyll argue the
facts.
Once youve learned to figure out answers before youve even
asked your question, thats when youve mastered the art of good
guessedge! This is where you experience the same joy an
attorney must feel on a successful cross-examination, i.e. when
he exposes the contradictions of an eyewitness.

My prediction is that eventually youll stop getting annoyed
with predictable answers and start loving your ability to
predict the future, which is the object of the exercise.

ADDsonge . YOURE GETTING GOOD AT GUESSING [soundbite song 5, alternate
version]

Right then, were ready to start observing new things into existence.

8. Observational Innovation - Turning Jokes into Products

8. Observational Innovation
Turning Jokes into Products

How to turn punch lines into taglines:
Use your sense of humour to accept the things you cannot change; your product
development skills to change what you can; and this chapter to know the difference.

THE EASILY AMUSED FORMULA FOR INNOVATION:
Explore the funny side of everything take note of what you laugh at the most
convert the punch line into a product laugh all the way to the bank

With observational humour, the comedy comes from reflecting reality e.g. have you
tried dating online? Ever notice how all 3 pictures of your fantasy partner look nothing
like the one you meet? Thats your OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity i.e. youre
reflecting reality.

With innovation you go one step further and change reality by doing something about
your observation you invent a product that solves the problem. Introducing: -

FutureFoto - what your Internet date will actually look like

produx: Age progression software for dating sites
PiX/grafix/logo: FF to be inserted inside the fast forward icon

FF is the essential software for all dating sites. It works out the average of all
photos and then adds on 5 years to give a forecast photo of what you can expect.
Works with up to 93% accuracy, but that increases to 98% accuracy if mother and
father-in-law photos are supplied.

Prediction photos can be produced for any point in time and it has reality and
fantasy features.
It can also predict what your children will look like, with up to 94.6% accuracy.
Check this out:
PiX: Merging of any two photos to give a predicted photo of what offspring will
look like.

How does it work? Same as age progression software used to find missing children
and fugitives i.e. its the same software used for a different purpose with a few
additional features.

Other possible names: PhotoMediator

PredictaPix Photolepathy
FlashForward FastForward Fotos Foto4Cast Vujade Pix FFPix



mMMovies {ShtiX SPITBALL

Observational humour:
Ever notice how many people spit and blow their noses in the
streets? Its disgusting!
Its become impossible to walk in the streets of London and not
notice it.
You gotta keep ducking so you dont get hit.

O SPARX 23: IF YOU CANT CHANGE IT, NAME IT
(Search for if you cant change it for more examples)

So lets name the different types of spitting:
The Finger Bloz: one finger on one nostril and blow, tilting
head forward and sidewards as if to disguise it.

The tongue twirler: this is the guy whos so proud of his
spitting technique he wants to see how far it goes and where it
lands. Its usually followed by a thumbs-up if the target is
hit.

The boomerang: comes back and hits you in the face; common with
cyclists.

The forgot my window was shut: common with motorists. Doubly
embarrassing if you also forget that you have passengers. Even
more embarrassing if youre the passenger.

The noserunner: just dribbles everywhere, requiring sleeves and
hands to wipe away.

Innovation goes one step beyond humour by inventing something to
deal with the problem. Presenting:

The all day tissue dispenser.
PiX: Search images for all day tissue dispenser to find a
picture of a woman blowing her nose on toilet paper from a
roller dispenser strapped on her head.
This device is from: 101 Unuseless Japanese inventions - The
art of Hindgut
by Kenji Kawakami

Naming your observations into existence is the first step
towards getting your invention to catch on - e.g.
Search for a power point presentation called fart-study.


mMMovies {shtix

BIKINICAINE novacaine for painless waxing produx/beauty

Observational humour:
Ever notice how your partner complains how painful bikini
waxing is? Ever wonder if that pain is proportional to the
pain of her monthly maintenance bill?

You know theres a better joke in there somewhere, but for now
it doesnt matter; youve isolated the problem: bikini waxing
is painful. This causes a metalogue or OOPS, like:
Why cant they just rub something on the bikini zone to make
it less painful? Now where you have seen that done before?
EOX! Dental & blood test injections!
[PiX: Pic of cream being rubbed on injection zones for blood
test]
EOX! Apply the same anaesthetic creams for painless waxing!

Now play with the words - novacaine, anaesthetic, bikini, wax,
Brazilian, and youll get to WaxiThetic, BraziliaNova,
WaxiNova, NovaWax, Novakini, WaxiCaine, BikiniCaine.

Innovation: BikiniCaine - novacaine for painless waxing

Turns out that the difference between humour and innovation is simply a matter of
functionality: Does the joke product work? Turn BikiniCaine into a real solution and
humour turns to innovation.

And if it doesnt lead to a direct solution, it could easily lead to you seeing your ASS -
Accidental Spin-off Solution. Let me explain this another way:

Humour is the equivalent of using public transport in our thoughtmosphere. It carries
many people to distant stars, from which new views of other worlds are possible e.g.
were using humour as public transport to get to the star of BikiniCaine. While
standing on BikiniCaine, we can see other stars that were previously invisible from
earth e.g. you might be able to see the star of MexiCaine:

mMMovies {shtix

MexiCaine because hot food should only hurt once
produx/food&drug - relief in the loo after eating hot food.

Do you like spicy food but not the after effects?
MexiCaine works when and where you need it most later.

MexiCaine - you need it like a pain in the ass

And just like that, youve discovered a new star that could only be seen by taking
public transport to the star of BikiniCaine. That was me driving the SPQV. Now let's
hop on the bus driven by Larry David. (Buy the book, you cheap bastard, and Ill tell
you about it!)



Case study using observational innovation to create a song.
Method: O SPARX 180: DETECT COLLECT CONNECT

DETECT with OOPS: Observation Of Pure Stupidity:
The guy I'm living with is not the same guy who used to chase me with chocolates and
flowers. This guy never wants to go anywhere or do anything. Hes boring!

COLLECT: Does anybody else have the same experience?
Is it a CEWTBL? (Common Experience Waiting To Be Labelled.)
YES: In fact its so common that its been called The Bait & Switch by Dr Phil.

So we know were onto something here. Now all thats left is to:

CONNECT: All your experiences to Dr Phils idea to create your own song.

SONG 8 HES ONLY A MAN . [LYRIX]

And then another case study that leads to:

SONG 9 TEARS WITH CHAMPAGNE . [LYRIX]

9. Chasing the Unknown - UNcommon KNowledge you OWN

9. Chasing the Unknown
UNcommon KNowledge you OWN

Your search for solutions is futile unless you express the problem as a question, and all
questions revolve around this one:
What makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R?
The ANSWER magically appears when you get the question right. Did you notice that?

This chapter contains instructions for using your SPQV Self Propelled Question
Vehicle essential for navigating through nonsense.

With your SPQV you can break through the knowledge barrier to reach a point where
nobody knows better than you. This is where youre free to start making up new
theories that bring new products into existence. This chapter deals with the process of
asking THE PERFECT QUESTION, and the signs of knowing when youve asked it:

The top ten ways of knowing youve asked the perfect question:

1) Thats a good question, Ill come back to that.
2) I dont know. / Its too early to say. / We dont know yet.
3) Thats classified information / executive privilege. / I could tell you but Id have
to kill you.
4) Its not my place to answer that question.
5) No comment.
6) Shut your face.
7) Thats all we have time for Im afraid - this press conference is over.
8) I need to pee.
9) We have to go to news & travel, but stay on the line.
10) [ C ] (No words at all; just a stunned silence, followed by a change of topic.)

SONG 10 NOBODY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON . [LYRIX]

YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY THAT WERE MAKING IT UP
THE ONLY THING WERE CERTAIN OF
ALL THATS CLEAR
WE DONT KNOW WHERE WE COME FROM OR WHY WERE HERE
SCIENCE DOESNT PROVE A THING
IT ONLY SAYS HOW
BUT IT NEVER GOES AS FAR AS WHY
AND THERES A REASON
AND THATS WHERE I COME IN
TO REMIND YOU TO COME TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSION
[Chorus:]
NOBODY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON
YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY THAT WERE MAKING UP

10. Clintonian Metaphysics - Redefine the World to Suit You

10. Clintonian Metaphysics
Redefine the World to Suit You

Clintonian Metaphysics is named after Bill Clinton who redefined the term sexual
relations. In his mind there was no sex he had merely found an alternative use for
a cigar. This is how redefining reality leads to new inventions, so all we need to do
now is name it:
THE CIGARILDO endorsed by Bill Clinton. [produx]

It all works by the logical stupidity cycle of innovation:

1) Every logical rule / law encourages a new wave of stupidity
(or innovation)

E.g. Rule by hotel: Dont steal our towels.
People steal towels anyway so the hotel has to come up with a new innovation.

But how does refining coming into this?

For every truth that emerges, a lie is diverted somewhere else.
E.g. From your perspective youre not stealing a white fluffy bathrobe from the hotel,
youre taking a souvenir, but to the hotel its stealing meaning they require some
kind of invention or rule to stop it, like a policy of paying deposits for room and pool
towels.
But what kind of invention might come out of it?

mMMovies >PiX/grafix The Springback Towel produx/hotel biz
Anti-theft device for hotel towels

A towel is attached to the towel rail by a retractable chord
that snaps it back like a tape measure. For cheap motels only!

2) Every new wave of stupidity or innovation encourages a logical law

So lets look at 5 offensive trends and how the government might introduce new laws
to control them:

1. Cellphone Rage
{ShtiX / MMovies viz

Other peoples cellphone conversations are becoming more offensive than second
hand smoke e.g. Im on the train. WHAT? Yeah, Im on the train. WHAT? SPEAK
LOUDER, I CANT HEAR YOU, IM ON THE TRAIN.

And if you think thats annoying, its about to get a whole lot worse, now that youre
going to be able to use your mobile on planes: IM ON THE PLANE! WHAT? IM ON
THE PLANE!

How do we get round this problem? Government legislation:



mMMovies viz {shtix dilog DECIBEL DANCE

The ringtone dance: you answer, you dance your call
Which falls under the government legislation of Decibel Dance
(newrule).

If your phone rings in a public place you will be required by
law to do a dance in time to your ringtone before taking the
call. Only the brave will take calls, but your fellow
passengers wont mind after youve made a complete twat of
yourself. If its a song that already has famous choreography
(e.g. YMCA or Greased Lightning) then you should stick to that,
but otherwise your dance should say something about your
personality.

[Demonstration goes here send your clip to
www.logicalstupidity.com]

Designed to improve passenger and human relations in general,
the new legislation will be monitored by conductors who could
ask to see your dance if they notice any cellphone activity, or
if they hear any sound coming from your headphones.
At the discretion of the conductor, passengers may be required
to continue their dance until their destination. Furthermore,
parking attendants, security guards, in fact anyone wearing a
uniform, will be given authority to check your dance e.g. you
could be asked by an air hostess to perform your dance on a
plane or a checkout girl at the supermarket when your phone
rings. But probably the biggest reason for the rule is to deal
with loud music blaring from car stereos: traffic wardens can
ask you to pullover to see your dance!

For help with the choreography of your dance you may want to
refer to one of the dances from evolution of dance on youtube.
Great going, Judson Laipply!
You were part of the inspiration behind this new proposed
legislation.



2. Technology Incompetence
The technology impaired who cant use an ATM, change their ringtone, send a text
message or e-mail will eventually become such a burden on society that something will
need to be done (new rule proposed) .

3. Globe Warming Ego Friendly Vehicles (new rule proposed)

4. The Global Boredom Crisis (new rule)
Out go viewer discretion warnings like strong language, violence or scenes of a
mature nature, and in comes the new YAWN rating system. For example:

YAWN WARNING: All the best gags are in the trailer youve just seen.

YAWN WARNING: Brad Pitt is impossibly good looking and should not be used as a
reference point for speed-dating, or however you go about finding a partner these
days. Same applies to Angelina Jolie. Enjoy the movie.

HARD CORE YAWN WARNING: May contain up to 8 minutes of mindless dialogue
before any sex actually takes place.

For Musicals:
VOMIT WARNING: Actors may break into song for no apparent reason and without
dance routines featuring leggy showgirls.

VOMIT WARNING: Contains people walking around with animals on their heads for
the entire @$%^ show.

For any revival or regurgitation of previous culture:
NOSTALGIA WARNING: That was then; this is now youve moved on.

Nothing from last century may be regurgitated in any format, not as a musical,
not as a PlayStation game, not as a movie with Steve Martin or even Keanu Reeves
playing the lead role. There will be no remixing, remastering, reviving, rerunning,
reuniting, re-entering or reheating of any sort. That includes sequels and prequels
so Star Wars is finally over. The campaign will be backed by this music video:
SONG 11 LET THEM DIE . [LYRIX]
[Sweet nostalgic melody, covering any period from last century]
TAKE ME ON A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE
TO REMEMBER HOW THINGS WERE
WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND HAVING FUN
BRING BACK THE SONGS OF YESTERYEAR
[Death metal interjection]
LET THEM DIE
LET THEM ALL DIE
THEY WERE GOOD FOR THEIR TIME
BUT DONT BRING THEM BACK
IF YOU HAVE TO SEE THE SHOW
TAKE OUT THE VIDEO
LET THEM DIE


5. FFAF CULTURE

FFAFS are celebs who are Famous For Absolutely F@$ ALL.
The only thing sadder is a Wannabe FFAF kids who dont see the point of living
unless they can be famous. This is serious! A 2-part government sponsored campaign
is required:
1) Stop encouraging kids who clearly have no talent TV ad (see script for details).
2) FTV Flopstar TV is a dedicated TV channel showing what life is like for the 99%
of bands and solo artists who dont make it e.g.

SONG 12 HAPPY HOUR IN THE HOLIDAY INN . [LYRIX]
HAPPY HOUR IN THE HOLIDAY INN I WAS THERE
FILLING OUT THE HOLES IN CONVERSATION
BRING ON THE DANCING GIRLS OR MAYBE EVEN KARAOKE
OR JUST PUSH THE BOSSANOVA BUTTON AND WATCH THEM ALL BOOGIE

IVE PLAYED BASS ON A BOX IN AMSTERDAM I WAS A CLOWN
STAND UP CABARET ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND
YOU PROBABLY SAW ME THERE
IN COVENT GARDEN SQUARE
IMPERSONATING ALL THE PEOPLE PASSING BY
THESE ARE THE SONGS THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO X 3

Presenter: Youre tuned to FTV all day non-stop videos of no-hit wonders from the
99.6% of bands who dont make it. Coming up next, yet another band youve never
heard of. Been together for over 20 years, theyre now in their late thirties and still
trying to make it. Here they are, taking the world by not even a little cloud coverits
CANT GET SIGNED

SONG 13 TWO SONGS . [LYRIX]
[ROFR to Jack Black]
DON'T PRETEND YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE
WE'RE THE UNDISCOVERED UNDERDOGS FROM NOWHERE
AND WE ONLY GOT
TWO SONGS
AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ONE OF THEM
TWO SONGS
AND THIS ISNT EVEN ONE OF THEM
TWO SONGS
AND NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE HELL WE ARE
YOU CAN HEAR WE'RE SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF ABOUT SOMETHING
WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT IT IS BUT YOU CAN HEAR IT'S SOMETHING HUGE
SO BANG YOUR HEAD LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
JUST LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND OUR FRUSTRATION OF COMING UP WITH
ONLY



Summary

By upgrading your principles and redefining the world as youd like to see it, you can
create new realities in the meshugganah middle:

SONG 14 SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN . [LYRIX]

SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN MAKING UP THE RULES
AND FOLLOWING THEM
THERES A PLACE WHERE INNOVATION CAN TAKE PLACE
IF YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO QUESTION THE ASSUMPTION
AND COME TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSION
YOULL FREE YOUR MIND AS YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY

SOMEWHERE IN-BETWEEN EVERYTHING WE KNOW
AND WHAT WERE STILL LOOKING FOR
THERES A PLACE WHERE INNOVATION CAN TAKE PLACE
IF YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO QUESTION WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN
COME TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSION
YOULL FREE YOUR MIND OF EVERYTHING THATS GONE BEFORE
YOULL FREE YOUR MIND AS YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY

SEE THE MAGIC IN THE MIDDLE
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE MYSTERY
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE WAY THAT IT COULD BE
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE NEW POSSIBILITY
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE LET ME TRY ANOTHER WAY
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE RHYTHM OF THE REPETITION
SEE THE MAGIC IN THE

PARADIGM SHIFTING
ROLES ARE REVERSING
BOUNDARIES ARE CRUMBLING
STEREOTYPES ARE SHATTERING, SHIFTING

11. The Sky's Not The Limit; Your Principles Are - Upgrade Them!

11. The Skys Not The Limit;
Your Principles Are Upgrade Them!

Its easy to stick to principles, especially if youve had some code hammered into you
all your life. But can you abandon them when you realise they dont apply anymore?

Just as laws (universal and man-made) need to upgrade to move with the times, so
too do your principles, which is why we examine THE 21 RULES FOR RULE
BREAKING, or 21 ways to rise above the limitations of your principles in order to
innovate.

We also look at how man-made laws inspire new inventions by thinking of loopholes
around the law.

O SPARX 42: USE THE LAW AS A CHALLENGE TO FIND
INNOVATIVE LOOPHOLES

Challenging authority by questioning assumptions can lead to innovative products:

mMMovies viz {shtix
Pavlov - The leashless dog leash produx/dogbiz ~

The inspiration for this comes from reading a sign in a park in
Toronto that said:

All dogs must be on a leash of no more than 2.4m.

The challenge is on: isnt there another way to keep your dog
close without a leash? Research tells me that there are
wireless devices to keep your dog in an unfenced yard and there
are also radio controlled shocking devices used for corrective
training. But there are no leashless dog leashes, which is why
theyre coming out!

How does it work? Ultrasonic audio transmitters attached to the
collar of the dog would trigger an annoying frequency only
audible to dogs, and only if the dog crosses the maximum range,
which is variable and controlled by a wireless device attached
to the dog walker. Dogs would quickly learn to stay within the
maximum range, hence the name: Pavlov - the leashless dogleash.

And whats more, multiple dogs can be walked with one device,
meaning no more entangling mess for New York dog walkers:
Search images: dog walkers



mMMovies viz {shtix
DWDS (PR dudes): Dog Walker Dogs produx/dogbiz ~
Why cant dogs walk other dogs? If they can be trained to lead
blind people then they must be able to take other dogs for
walks.
Search images: dog walker
This funny pic would become a sensible solution if turned into a
business of dog walking dogs. Poop scooping? Still working on
that one!

mMMovies viz {shtix
FETCH - The robot ball thrower for dogs produx/dogbiz ~
Feel like chilling out in the park while your dog works out?
Let Fetch the robot entertain your dog for hours. Observe as
Fetch throws the ball and your dog retrieves it, collecting a
chocolate treat from an automatic dispenser after each
retrieval.
Try it uni or multi-directional and on different distances. If
your dog likes swimming, then use it at the sea or near a lake.
Fetch will sound an alarm if the ball is not retrieved within 1
minute, or a time specified by you. That would be your cue to
start looking for your dog.
FETCH - mans second best friend

See Kosher Food for more examples.

So when a law, or your own principle, doesnt make sense to you, your mind
automatically tries to compensate for whats missing. Mine tends to go towards
humour. Where does your mind go?

SONG 15 IT HAS TO BE FUNNY . [LYRIX]

WHERE DOES YOUR MIND GO WHEN ITS TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT
ISNT THERE?
WELL MINE GOES TO FUNNY
AND IF YOU PISS ME OFF IM GONNA BITE YOU WITH HUMOUR

TOO MANY CONTRADICTIONS, AMBIGUITIES
IM NOT ALL THERE, BEYOND REPAIR, BUT I DONT CARE
MY FRUSTRATIONS HAVE GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE
SO IT HAS TO BE FUNNY
WHAT ELSE CAN IT BE?
MY QUICK FIX THERAPY


Also in this section:

THE SECRETS & LIES OF THE UNIVERSE: ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE

HOW EVERYONE GETS A TURN TO BE SOME ASSHOLE
Why some asshole is responsible for upgrading the operating system of the luniverse.

HOW TO TURN A GOOD IDEA INTO A BAD IDEA - DISCUSS IT WITH
SOMEONE

Even if youre not running a country, do you realise how many cover-ups youre
involved with on a daily basis? If you think youre not, then start counting the times
you hear or see any of the following statements, whether theyre from you or other
people:

I could tell you, but Id have to shoot you.
What happens in here, stays in here.
Can I tell you something, but do you promise not to tell anyone?
Can I be honest with you?
Whos going to know that?
Nobody has to know that.
You didnt just tell me that.
I didnt hear what I think I heard.
I dont want to hear that.
For the record, you didnt just see what you thought you saw.
Who have you told about this? How many people know about this?
Do you think you might be able to keep quiet about it this time?
This message is confidential and for the addressee only. You may not disclose the
contents to anyone other than the addressee.
Do you realise what will happen if anyone finds out?

Once youre party to exclusive or sensitive information, at some point youre going to
have to lie. We dont realise that we do it all the time because we even lie about what
we call lying it gets redefined as getting the story straight. Now start counting the
times you hear any of the following:

What story are we going to tell them?
How do we explain this to the kids?
What are we going to tell your mother?
What should we tell the press?
What do we say if anybody asks?
What excuse should we use to get out of going to their wedding / bar mitzvah /
funeral?
Whats our story for the accountants / shareholders / cops / lawyers / witness stand?
How do I make my denial sound plausible?

Honesty is very seldom the best policy!



HOW LIVING THE HAPPY LIE SETS YOU FREE

>PiX/cartoon: caption Ralf found facebook flirting so much
easier than reality flirting.
We see a woman sitting alone sipping a cocktail at the bar,
listening to the request of an approaching man, whose speech
bubble says: Uhm, I was just wondering if you wanted to add me
as a friend.

SONG 16 JACKIES JUST A JPEG . [LYRIX]

WHATEVER YOURE LOOKING FOR IN A WOMAN
SHES ANYTHING YOU WANT HER TO BE
SHE GOT A PULLDOWN MENU WITH POINT AND CLICK
SHELL BE YOUR USER FRIENDLY BABY
THATS ALL SHELL EVER BE

CYBERVIXEN, THE NICKNAME I KNOW
DIDNT WE GO DIVING IN MEXICO
SO LITTLE MISS MODEM LETS DO JAZZ ON JUPITER
DIGITAL DAMSEL WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO?

DOWNLOADING OUR LIVES AWAY
WE ONLY KNOW WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW
AND SEE WHAT WE WANT TO SEE

JACKIES JUST A JPEG
AND THATS ALL SHELL EVER BE

Or perhaps you prefer this version:

. SONG 17 DOWNLOADING OUR LIVES AWAY [LYRIX]

12. The Meshugganah Matrix

12. The Meshugganah Matrix
Where all your crazy ideas intersect with the market to bridge the gap
between life as it is and life as you dream it.
The objectives:
1) To assimilate the problem as part of the solution.
2) To improvise new products over existing markets.
3) To improvise new melodies over popular chord patterns.
4) To improvise spontaneity over the daily grind.
5) To get you out of your comfort zone.

The method:
SONG 18 PUT A LITTLE BLACK NOTE IN YOUR LIFE . [LYRIX]
IF YOUVE BEEN LIVING IN THE KEY OF C
PLAYING ALL THE WHITE NOTES, VERY BUSY
BUT OH SO PREDICTABLE
WORK SLEEP TV
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES ON WEDNESDAY
NIP TUCK ON SUNDAY
AND HEAT MAGAZINE ON TUESDAY
YOU CAN HEAR ITS TIME TO
PUT A LITTLE BLACK NOTE IN YOUR LIFE
OOH SCARY
OOH SCARY
NO, NOT THAT SCARY!
GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD LIVE A LITTLE DANGEROUSLY
THE NEXT TIME YOU GO BACK TO C
YOULL BE SO HAPPY JUST TO BE HOME
FROM THE DARK SIDE OF THE KEYBOARD
YOU'RE HOME YEAH
FROM THE DARK SIDE OF THE KEYBOARD
YOU'RE HOME YEAH
NOW YOURE THINKING BOUT THE TIME WHEN YOU
PUT A LITTLE BLACK NOTE IN YOUR LIFE...
IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE PLAY ON
I AGREE BUT NOT THE SAME OLD SONG
CHANGE THE RHYTHM
GIVE ME A WHOLE NEW MELODY
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT NOW
DON'T BE AFRAID
JUST KEEP IT RADIO FRIENDLY
RADIO FRIENDLY ALWAYS
NOW LET ME HELP YOU FIND YOUR BLACK NOTE
I CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR BLACK NOTE
THERE'S YOUR BLACK NOTE
NOW GO AND GET YOUR BLACK NOTE IN YOUR LIFE

13. Editorial Licence & The Hippocritic Oath

13. Editorial Licence & The
Hippocritic Oath

Allows you to LIE OR TELL THE TRUTH, WHICHEVER IS MORE INTERESTING.

Changing your mind as often as global uncertainty dictates has become the key to
effective leadership. Take the oath and youll be able to manipulate the facts to suit
your argument, and when you realise youre wrong, change your argument to suit the
facts.

As a consumer of news youll learn how to read between the lines of news and
marketing spin.

As a news editor, journalist or author, the Hippocritic Oath allows you to lie or tell the
truth, whichever is more interesting, as long as you promise the following:

1) To make as much money as you possibly can.
3) To be thoroughly entertaining as you reveal the true colours of your chosen subject.

REVEALED: Why were programmed to lie and how this makes us creative.
Its all due to

THE PARADOX OF COMPLEXITY

Life is so complex that we have to break it down into bite-sized chunks in order to
process it. But the more you break it down, the more pieces you have, so the more
complex it gets.
In other words:

SONG 19 WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN . [LYRIX]

NOTHING IS EVER AS EASY AS YOU SAY IT IS
NOTHING IS EVER AS SIMPLE AS A CATCHPHRASE
BECAUSE WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN
YEAH WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN
WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN

THEN NOTHING IS LIKE IT SEEMS
AND EVERYTHING IS LIKE IT IS
SO YOUR GENERALIZATION WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE
FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW
WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN
YEAH WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN
WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN THEN [repeat from the top until understood]



Included in this paradox is a sub-clause that says:

That was then and this is now everythings changed.

This law makes people say stupid things like: If I only knew then what I know now
You couldnt possibly have had any kind of now knowledge back then, because now
hadnt happened yet. Thats why you didnt buy Microsoft shares when they were $1,
because that was then and this is now.

The upside of this paradox is that you can keep changing your mind because your
disclaimer will always protect you All thoughts, feelings and facts were correct at the
time of going to press.

SONG 20 THEME SONG . [LYRIX]

THATS WHY IM GIVING YOU A THEME SONG TO FOLLOW
EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT BE WRONG TOMORROW
UNCERTAINTY IS ALL THAT WE KNOW
HAVENT GOT A CLUE WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU
THERES NO REASON FOR MY SONG
BUT SOMETHING BABY DARLING
SAYS IM GONNA MAKE IT UP AS I GO ALONG



Editorial licence is granted under the following terms & conditions of the contract:

I, the consumer of news and entertainment media, give you, the author, permission to
simplify events of the world to make it easier for me to understand. By simplify I
mean:

1) Polarise my thoughts dont give me more than two options.
2) Give me instant perspective.
3) Make me laugh; entertain me.
4) Keep me in the loop; make me feel like Im part of something big.

I, the author of content, am entitled to simplicate everything in order to achieve this
i.e. keep things complex enough to be respected as an authority, while simple enough
to be understood. I can use the following methods to achieve this:

1) Compare the incomparable.
2) Challenge my subject by questioning motives and tearing down dreams.
3) Provide worst-case scenarios.
4) GO MAAD: Use any Multiple Angle Attack Device.
5) Ask rhetorical questions and split as many hairs as I like.
6) Cherry-pick my edited highlights.
7) Or use any other device in keeping with the good faith of the Hippocritic Oath.


Lets take the first point:
O SPARX 76: POLARITY GIVES CLARITY

PiX/Cartoon: Does he love me? Yes or no?
We see an angry bunch of flowers staring at a girl whos about
to start plucking petals.
One of the flowers screams: He loves you! Now piss off and
leave us alone.

There are only two types of people in this world those who divide people into two
types, and those who dont. Do you believe this yes or no? Why only two groups?
Because that way its easier for you to decide which group you belong to. Youre
either with me or against decide!
Should Harry go to Iraq?
Are you bored with the climate crisis?
Does penis size matter?
Is there such a thing as free will?
Click here to win a plasma TV.
Did Heather marry Paul for money?
Should prostitutes be given government protection yes or no?
Should foreign prisoners be freed without being considered for deportation?
HELP! CONFUSING! I DONT UNDERSTAND THE LEADING QUESTION!
Translate that into a simple choice I can understand:
Okay, how about this then: Is Tom Cruise gay? Yes or no?
Oh thank you! Now its all clear yes Heather married for money, Harry should go to
Iraq and prostitutes need protection. Now, wheres my plasma TV?
So why do we like polar questions?
SONG 21 TOO MANY CHOICES . [LYRIX]
TOO MANY CHOICES WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NONE
AND YOULL FORGET WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO DO
TOO MANY VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
WHO DO YOU FOLLOW?
DONT MIND ME, IM JUST WONDERING THROUGH

IMAGINATION FLEW OUT THE WINDOW
FOR INSPIRATION I PLAY NINTENDO
SO IF YOU SEE ME STARING AT THE SCREEN
ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE TOO MANY CHOICES WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NONE

EOX! Why dont we have limited choice supermarkets that only stock the top two
brands of each product?

2permarket Youve got two choices
produx/food&beverage/retail/limited choice supermarket to save shopping time

Now that we have the joke, we also have a new business, based on the idea that
limited choice allows faster decisions, which would dramatically reduce shopping time
for customers and reduce shelving space.

Coming up: The Queue of Indecision sketch [MMOVIES]

14. Parafrazing - The Extreme Sport for Creative Thinkers

14. Parafrazing The Extreme Sport
for Creative Thinkers

Objective: To Jump on a bandwagon, add wings & fly it your own way
[See Chart 2 for examples]

>PiX/Cartoon/photo/video
Caption: YiddishKite fly it your way
4Just4Jews
We see a rabbi paragliding. The paraglider canopy is designed
to look like a tallit, which is a prayer shawl with tsiztzit
(fringes). The rabbi is sitting in the harness and controlling
the direction of the kite. On the tallit is written:
YiddishKite fly it your way [see more on yiddishkite]

PARAFRAZING = R&D = The art of Rehashing & Disguising other peoples ideas in
order to find your voice e.g. Frankenstein turns into Dracula, then Wolfman Jack,
Michael Jackson, followed by Adams Family, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Marilyn Manson
and eventually Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Parafrazing is based on:

1) EVOLUTION
We need to steal ideas in the same way that they need to be protected.
In nature, this battle for survival is called evolution. In business its called innovation.
Either way youre involved, so you may as well learn the process.

2) EINSTEINS THEORY OF CREATIVITY:
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources seriously, he actually
said that.

3) THE ITCHY & SCRATCHY PLAGIARISM CASE:
Roger Myers: Your honour, you take away our right to steal ideas; where are they
supposed to come from her? [looks at Marge]



So what makes Parafrazing legal?

Youre always changing the original to suit your personal taste. Let me explain

SONG 23 COPYRIGHT PROTECTED . [LYRIX]

YOU CALL ME MR. MAGINATION
IM A GENIUS IN YOUR EYES
BUT ITS JUST A VARIATION
OF THE SAME OLD SONG IN DISGUISE

IM ALWAYS REARRANGING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY
WATCH ME CHANGE THE PRESENTATION OF A CLICH
NOW IT MAY BE YOUR BELIEF
THAT IM JUST A COMMON THIEF
SO LET ME TELL YOU WHY IM NOT:

I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE TO USE
OTHER PEOPLES POINTS OF VIEWS
BUT WHAT IT WAS AND WHAT IS NOW IS NOT CONNECTED
IF I REVISE IT I DISGUISE IT
THATS MY WAY TO LEGALISE IT
NOW ITS MINE AND COPYRIGHT PROTECTED

SOMEONE ELSE MAY HAVE SAID IT
THAT MAY BUG YOU IF YOU LET IT
BUT WHAT IT WAS AND WHAT IS NOW IS NOT CONNECTED
IF I REVISE IT I DISGUISE IT
THATS MY WAY TO LEGALISE IT
NOW ITS MINE AND COPYRIGHT PROTECTED



PARAFRAZING IS ALSO BASED ON:

PAFYAFFING - Pulling Advice From Your Ass For FINancial Gain, where originality is
achieved through CONS and FIBS:

1) CONS: You have to separate the CONtent from the CONtainer to get the
CONcept, in order to reframe in another CONtext.

2) FIBS: Fill In the Blank Spaces to make it yours.

The song, with choreography, will explain all:

SONG 22 GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX . [LYRIX]

SEPARATE THE CONTENT FROM THE CONTAINER TO GET THE CONCEPT
NOW GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX
TO CHANGE THE CONTEXT
FILL IN THE GAPS

Lets break it down: Separate the content from the container to get the
concept.

That means separate the JIZZ FROM THE GENERIC:
(Jizz, as in the birding term, meaning instantly identifiable characteristic.)
i.e. separate:
The trademark from the generic.
The Coke from the cola.
The Kelloggs from the cornflakes.
The Ford from the 4 x 4.
The sauce from the sausage.
The buzzword from the buzz.
The essence from the ice-cream.
The pollen from the flower.
The melody from the harmony.

Now, with the trademark or the melody removed, youre left with the concept, the
system, the groove, the harmonic structure, over which you can improvise your own
product or melody:



SONG 24 HEY JADE . [LYRIX]

HEY JADE, LET GO OF WHAT YOU KNOW
TAKE AN OLD SONG AND MAKE IT YOUR OWN
IT MIGHT NOT BE BETTER
BUT YOU KNOW ITS YOURS
AND YOU KNOW YOUVE AVOIDED
ALL THE COPYRIGHT LAWS

HOW DIFFICULT CAN THIS BE
TO FIND THE COMBINATION
TO REWRITE THE MELODY
THERES ONLY 12 NOTES TO CHOOSE FROM
WHATEVER I DO IT WILL SOUND LIKE SOMETHING YOU KNOW
BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU
ITS MY VERY OWN

THIS IS A SONG YOU KNOW BUT YOU CAN
REWRITE THE MELODY
ITS NOT THE WAY IT HAS TO BE
THIS IS MY SONG NOW
LET GO OF WHAT YOU KNOW SO I CAN
CHANGE THE PARADIGM
SOMETHING SOMETHING HAS TO RHYME WITH
MY SONG NOW


CHART 2 BANDWAGON MESHUGGANAH MATRIX
CPT: CURRENT PREVAILING TRENDS / OPIS: OTHER PEOPLES IDEAS

CPT MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Special Talent from a
Unique Blessing In Disguise
Songs:

Hey Jude
MR. MAGINATION
HEY JADE
POP SONG POETRY
All the best lines from your
favourite songs rolled into one

Songwriter

TV:
Simpsons (Bart) Ai Caramba pizza Dominos Pizza
Simpsons (Flanders) Fun-diddly-onion rings Dominos Onion rings
(Sponsor op)
Reality TV:
Big Brother + Jackass
+
Im a Celebrity get me
outahere =

Big Ass Celebrity

TV producer
TV show
X-factor + Fear factor = XXX Fear Factor
Erotic dances / acts performed
on / for judges
TV producer
Jackass Evel Kneidel
Pulls off stunts considered
highly dangerous in the Jewish
community
Jewish stunt guy
4Just4Jews
TVshow
Movies:
Harry Pan
+ Peter Potter in
Pots&Pans
Harry & Petes feigela kitchen
adventure
Scriptwriter
mmovies
Lord of The Rings,
Spiderman, King Kong,
Star Wars,
Babe - pig in the city
Spiderpig

Lord of the Spiderkong
Wars
Homer Simpson

Scriptwriter
mmovies
Eyes Wide Shut Jaws Wired Shut
Homer gets his jaws wired
Simpsons


O SPARX 112: JUMP ON A CELEBRITUNITY*
*Business opportunity provided courtesy of a celebrity.

How do you do it? Watch the news! Watch Big Brother! Read the gossip mags!
CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
News Chantelle wins
Celebrity Big Brother.

Chantelle is a Paris
Hilton look-alike, so
Travelodge Hotels
jumped on the
celebritunity to create:

Chantelle Travelodge

Travelodge
(Sponsor op)
News Britney Spears
shaves her head.
Celebritunity:
Britney Shears doll
Search images: Britney
Shears doll

BoXo Stock Cubes
So good theyre worth fighting
over

Oxo Stock Cubes PiX
(Sponsor op)
produx/food
BB Recipes
for limited shopping
boodgets
Big Brother Celebrity Cook
Book
recipes from the BB house,
including Chicken al a Shilpa

Jamie Oliver
mmovies
produx/books/printed matter

News Jade Goody
loses her temper with
Shilpa Shetty. (Causing
an international race
row and a wonderful
celebritunity:)

Big Brother

JayGoody Doll:
JAYDOLL
Push various buttons for
soundbites from the fight,
as well as gems like:
How comes Eskimos dont
freeze?

Toy company
mmovies
produx/toys
>PiX

News Kinga Karolczak
becomes famous for
masturbating with a
wine bottle on Big
Brother.

Celebritunity:

The KingaRude
The wine bottle you can ride

Sex Toy Company
(Sponsor op)
produx/sex toy


CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
News David Guest on
Im a Celebrity uses
catchphrases.
I need sugar or
I dont do dishes
T-Shirt
produx
Mini Driver Mini Driver Mini
produx/model of car
Alan Carr The Alan Carr PoofMobile Car company
produx/model of car
Posh The PoshUp bra
Made from Fearne Cotton
(Source The Sun: Chanelles
in a Posh Up bra)
Bra company
produx/beauty/fashion
Al Pacino Alppuccino Starbucks
produx/beverage/coffee
(Sponsor op)
Shakira Shakirawors
South African singer who looks
and sounds like Shakira but
has heavy Afrikaans accent
mmovies/produx/pop star
Various celebs giving
directions
CelebNav Satnav
produx/gadget/satnav
(Tom Tom Sponsor op)
Never-ending trends:

Internet dating [Flirtomatic.com]
Mobile phone dating
Mobile phone operator
Karaoke ShoweroKey
Words on tap
You like singing in the shower
but you cant remember
the words
mmovies/produx/gadget/toy
iPod The new Ford iPod
Its an iPod on Wheels
Car Company
New car that comes with an
iPod
(Sponsor op)
Crazy frog CrazyLarms
Tunes that would scare any
burglar away
Car or house alarm
produx/security
(Sponsor op)


CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
World cup fever Football fanatic pizza Dominos Pizza PiX
Dinosaurs Barney, Dino, Roboraptor
Dinosaur Sketch
Jurassic Park
Jackoffosaurus

Thesaurus MS
The clever dinosaur that
changed its name to survive in
the computer world

Cartoons & toy tie-ins
Monty Python
Spielberg
South Park

Microsoft / Toy Company
(Sponsor op)
produx/educational toy


RELIGION
O SPARX 113: RELIGITUNITY: Use your religion as a stimulus for
innovation

Here we take our inspiration from Coca Cola who found Santa in the meshugganah
middle zone between Jesus and Coke:

CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Christ Santa Coke
(Sponsor op)
Many others found their creative space in the meshugganah middle zone the
same way:
Christ Passion of the Christ
The Da Vinci Code
Life of Brian
The Bible

Mel Gibson
Dan Brown
Monty Python
Based on an original idea by
God but inspired by various
authors
keep going
wMoviePitch: Opus Gay
Based on the theory that
Christ & all his disciples were
gay, so no bloodline anywhere

Scriptwriter
mmovies/dilog
Easter Bunny
Easter Parade
???
Sidney Sheldon
keep going
wMoviePitch: Duracell
Parade
featuring the meshugganah
Easter bunny
(Sponsor op for Duracell)
mmovies/dilog/scifi
Easter Bunny Mad March Hare Springtime The Producers
wMoviePitch: Springtime for
Bush in Iraq
A heterosexual romp with
George, Condy and Dick


Now just as Coke created Santa, so too are there plenty of religitunities to sell your
product e.g. bottled water is sold as Holy Kabbalah water for 3 a bottle, and red
string for 18 a bracelet.
Lets look at other ways to use religion as a marketing tool:
CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Kabbelah Cookies
philosophy from the Zohar
free with every RavBerger
Bakery
produx/kosher food/
4Just4Jews
(Sponsor op for Rav Berg)

Kabbalah + Fortune
cookies:
Falafelosophy
Jewish philosophy scrolls
inside Falafels
produx/Falafel deli/
kosher food/4Just4Jews

Christmas '12 days of Fitness'
Sign outside gym
Gym owner
(Sponsor op)
Christmas Music Xmas in Israel the album
By Evel Kneidel, who loves
Jewish music just as much as
he loves Xmas
Featuring Havana Jingle
Bells
(Cuban mix) ADDsonge.

produx/
music genre/4Just4Jews

From a news report just in: Rabbis in Jerusalem have figured out a way to play Soduko
on Shabbes, using magnets, because writing is forbidden on Shabbes. Yet another
religitunity:

CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Special Talent from a Unique
Blessing In Disguise
Shabbadabbaduko
Soduko you can play on
Shabbes
(Uses magnets instead of
writing)
>PiX: produx/brain toys
4Just4Jews
Toy Company
(Sponsor op)
Shomre Shabbes
Games
Shabbes friendly games for
the whole family
mmovies/produx/
exec toys/4Just4Jews

Shabbes + Soduko
SoJewku

The brainteaser Just for
Jews
>PiX: produx/exec toys
4Just4Jews


CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Shabbes Goys
For Jews who are Shomre
Shabbes but still want to do
regular things

produx/kosher service/scifi
Let the Shikse do it!
Cheryl the Shikse
All your Shabbes needs
taken care of by Cheryl the
Shapely Shikse

produx/kosher service/scifi
4Just4Jews
Ask about Shomre Shabbes
Shagging deals its a
mitzvah!

Shabbes
ADDsonge .
Let me be your Shabbes
Goy
Non-Jewish girl who
expresses her feelings for
her Jewish boyfriend

Gay Jewish Weddings Gay Gezunterhait
The Rabbi Business
Specializing in gay Jewish
Weddings
Jewish dating site for
Jewish gays and lesbians
4Just4Jews
>PiX/mmovies/produx/
wedding biz/dotcom/scifi
Jew the Cud
Kosher Bacon
All our GM pigs chew the
cud
Jewish pig farmer /
Jews who like bacon but feel
guilty about eating it
produx/kosher food/restaurant
4Just4Jews
JewSeaFood
Traifish
Our GM shellfish have fins &
scales and whats more, we
fed them on our farm, so
theyre not scavengers.
That means oysters,
mussels, prawns & crayfish
- ALL KOSHER!

>PiX/grafix
4Just4Jews

Kosher
Sosher Kushi
Kosher Sushi
Restaurant 4Just4Jews
produx/kosher food


CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Masalatov
Kosher Indian Restaurant
Hinjew: Hindu who grew up
Jewish
Jewindu: Jew who grew up
Hindu

(less likely, but point
is both would eat Indian food if
it were kosher)
produx/kosher food/Just4Jews
Kuresh Cohens Kosher
Delhi
4Just4Jews
Chopped liver Jalfrezi produx/kosher food
4Just4Jews
Perishwari Chala Bread produx/kosher food
4Just4Jews

Kosher
Kosher Fridge
A game teaching kids about
the laws of Kashrut.
The game consists of two
fridges for milk and meat.
Various meat, milk and
parev products have to be
packed into the two fridges.
Theres only one way
everything can fit the
kosher way.
Can you figure it out?

4Just4Jews
produx/kosher toys
Toy Company
(Sponsor op)
TumulDick
the wildest ride of your
life
4Just4Jews Sex Toys
produx/sex toy/exec toy/scifi
(Sponsor op)
>PiX/grafix

Kosher Sex
PesachDick
(Matzah balls included)
Its Kosher for Passover and
comes in a Matzah Box
(for privacy)

produx/sex toy/scifi
4Just4Jews
>PiX/grafix


CURRENT
PREVAILING TRENDS
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
YOU & YOUR STUBID:
Kosher Sex ChutzpahDick

who
came up with this? How
dare they?*
*translation: I want one.
>PiX/grafix
produx/sex toy/scifi
4Just4Jews
Sex Toy company
(Sponsor op)

Kosher Clothing YeHoody
Jew talking to me?
EdgeWear for rebeligious
kids
For religious rebels
SimchaRobics
Simcha dancing as a serious
workout
Fitness Company/scifi
4Just4Jews

Kosher Exercise
Fitness for Frummies
Guys get your gear from
shvetzing.com (e.g.
spandex with Tzitzit built in)

And girls get your sheitles
from funkysheitle.com
(designed especially for
workouts)
Be more You-ish:
Frummie can be funky
4Just4Jews

4Just4Jews
And while were exercising
Mind, Body, Spirit
+ Combination of
religions
TaiKee Jitso Quando
Disco Yogalingus
Way more than just mind,
body & spirit; this one
improves your oral sex life
too
Fitness expert/sex
therapist/theologian
Spa Biz/Guru biz

Keep mixing it up and youll eventually get to the ultimate combination:

TAIKEE JITSO QUANDO DISCO YOGALINGUS X2
KABBALISTIC HINDU CHRISTO MUSLIM
HOT STONE AROMA THAI THERAPY SING!


O SPARX 113: RELIGITUNITY: Use your religion as a stimulus for
innovation

This inspiration device led to the following:

mMMovies .TVshow {shtix YIDVID
EVEL KNEIDEL and his halachically incorrect stunts 4Just4Jews

Disclaimer / Warning:
These are all highly dangerous stunts you should not attempt
unless you have loads of chutzpah. Kneidel is a professional
stuntman who also happens to love being Jewish.
Its from Jewish laws & customs that hes found THE ANSWER:
Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R, from which all material comes.

Do not attempt these stunts unless youre prepared to deal with
the consequences of asking serious questions about Judaism. For
each of these clips, youre going to play the role of Kneidel.
Before getting into the role, you need to figure out what
question your action statement asks. If you dont like the
question, then dont do the stunt, or find another stunt to ask
a question youd like to ask.

Kneidel is so proud of being Jewish that he wants to fly the
flag of Yiddishkite as high as possible, in fact literally,
which is exactly why he invented the YiddishKite:

mMMovies vid {shtix
The YiddishKite fly it your way
produx/exec/toy/sport/advertising 4Just4Jews

The YiddishKite is a kite designed to look like a massive flying
Tallis Gadol - a large rectangular garment with fringes (see
pic).

Anyone interested in designing, producing and flying this
product should also include the following text on the tallis:
YiddishKite keep it flying.
www.logicalstupidity.com

The same way that YiddishKite can be advertised on a kite, so
can any logo or website.
New business venture: KITEVERTISING / www.WebsiteWithWings.com
/ Wings4Webs / WebWings / KiteSites / FlySite

- airtime for
your website
Get your site on a kite

produx/dotcom/kite biz



Here are 4 out of 17 of Evel Kneidels Halacha defying stunts.
Im keeping the best ones for the paid version of the book, so you might as well buy it.

mMMovies {shtix dilog 4Just4Jews
1) Goy Ride
Dressed in orthodox clothing on Shabbes, Kneidel cruises down
Golders Green main road (or similar) in a Hummer (or similar)
with reg plate Evel Kneidel.
As rap music blares from the windows he nods his head to the
beat and offers rides to everyone coming from synagogue,
spreading the message that Were supposed to rest on The
Sabbath, not work. Walking is working. Get in the car!

[Directors notes: Organize a few plants to jump in. Well
need plenty of reaction shots, so youll have to shoot from
inside a rap mobile with tinted windows.]

mMMovies {shtix dilog 4Just4Jews
2) Let the Jew through
Evel cuts to the front of various queues saying, Jew coming
through; excuse me, sorry, let the Jew through. We dont queue
for anything. Sorry, not part of our religion. Out of my way.
Hello? A little respect here. Make way for the chosen people.
Thank you.
(Only attempt this stunt in the Diaspora, i.e. anywhere besides
Israel.)

mMMovies wMoviePitch {shtix dilog 4Just4Jews

14) The Afiko Man
This is a movie pitch available in the e-book.

mMMovies wMoviePitch dilog 4Just4Jews
[produx its a real place, not just a movie!]
15) Gucci Pooch Dog Rehab

Youd think that life was stress free as the pampered pet of
the jet set, but its not. And only pet psychologist Dr
Jewlittle knows how to deal with their petty anxieties and
neuroses by taking them back to their wild dog roots at the
Gucci Pooch Boot Camp...

15. Pop Song Poetry - the rehash part of the equation

15. Pop Song Poetry
The Rehash Part of The Equation

O SPARX 103: POP SONG POETRY

To steal from Steven Wright is plagiarism. To steal from many comedians is
research. Peter Greenwall

PSP is a device to help you create new songs, products and movies by combining 2 or
more samples of your favourite influences. Heres how it works:


2) Shuffle and throw the cards, read them as they lie & lie about them as you read.

Examples:

For a new Coffee shop: HooterBucks hot chicks hot coffee TRY OUR S(LATTE)S
(produx)

Fitness program: Yogalingus a workout for your mind, body & tongue (produx)

Movie: Pots & Pans the magical (gay) kitchen adventures of Harry Pan
and Peter Potter (mmovies)

POP SONG POETRY was originally a device used for writing songs by rehashing your
favourite lyrics. For example, you could take a hey from Hey Jude or Hey
Macarena, a shiki bum bum from somewhere, a moon in June and a together
forever, roll it all into one, like a new improved mortgage deal, and then
GET YOURSELF IN THE MIX! Just sing whatever! So here we go:


SONG 25 POP SONG POETRY . [LYRIX www.. MUSICVIDw.]
WOAH OOH WOAH OOH WOAH OOH WHATEVER IM GOING ON ABOUT

GIRLS IN POP SONGS ONLY COME FROM THE PLACE WITH WHICH THEY RHYME
THAT'S WHY THINGS HAPPEN IN JUNE
LIKE HER RED LIPS OF DESIRE
THEY RHYME WITH MOON
HER MOONLIGHT AND FIRE

THERE IS NOTHING TO EXPLAIN
WE'RE DOING POP SONG POETRY
SO DRIVE MY CAR AND LOVE ME LIKE YESTERDAY
YOUR LOVE IS A ROSE
LIKE AN EAGLE IN THE SKY
THAT'S GETTING ME HIGH
AS A MEANINGLESS METAPHOR
THAT MAY NOT DESCRIBE WHATEVER

WHATEVER I'M GOING ON ABOUT

INVISIBLE ROBOT FISH CLIMBING UP THE WALL
IT'S NOT ABOUT A GIRL WHO GOT AWAY
IT'S NOT ABOUT A WOMAN AT ALL
IT'S ABOUT FLOWERS IN THE RAIN
AND THE PEOPLE IN THE CITY
STOP THINKING - USE YOUR BRAIN
SHE LOOKS SO PRETTY
THERE IS NOTHING TO EXPLAIN

NAH NAH NAH NAH
IM DOING POP SONG POETRY
BOOM SHICKI BUM BUM SHICKI BUM BUM
IS POP SONG POETRY
EVERYBODY HEART LOVE I NEED YOU THE GIRL
DREAM KISS TOGETHER FOREVER
YOU DON'T LOVE ME LIKE I DO OO OO IM DOING
POP SONG POETRY

NAH NAH NAH NAH
I'M DOING POP SONG POETRY
I'M STUCK FOR TIME SO THAT'S WHY I'M CHANGING KEY
THAT'S ME I'M DONE I'M RUNNING LOW ON POETRY
BUT I KNOW THE DJ'S GONNA FADE ME ANYWAY
SO I THINK I'LL JUST END IT HERE



PSP works on the principle of EDITED HIGHLIGHTS:
The best bits of anything will automatically be interesting.

This is based on:

Camera/Particle theory
{ShtiX

The point a cam or camera/particle principle is in fact part of Einsteins quantum
theory: he observed that particles behave differently when theyre being watched.
Indeed they do; they start pulling funny faces, saying funny things, fighting with each
other, blowing things up, ordering troops into foreign countries to blow things up,
eating road kill and maggots, driving nails through their testicles, and just generally
acting weird.

Nobody knows Im an idiot yet because I dont have a camera following me around.
But if I did and you edited all my best bits together, Id be a buffoon just like all the
other celebs you love to hate / make fun of. I cant wait to prove this theory!

Just as Bush and others in the limelight reveal loads of human nature when being
filmed, so too do animals reveal animal nature: March of the Penguins is about
penguins just being penguins.

Its a fascinating documentary, partly because they really are fascinating, and partly
because you need to film them for a year and shoot over 120 hours of footage to
capture the magic in an 80-minute documentary. Thats nearly 4 times the average
15 minutes of fame we humans get, which is why penguins are nearly 4 times as
fascinating as most of us can ever hope to be.
Unless of course you apply the camera/particle principle when creating your own
documentaries, which is what youre about to do now:

If you still dont believe that film footage is proportional to fascination and fame, and
that pointing a camera or microphone at anything or anyone will cause it to do
something interesting, then here are a few ways to prove it on your own, by making:



O SPARX 110: EDITED HIGHLIGHTS, THE DOCUMENTARY

The following are mini documentaries youre going to make to demonstrate
camera/particle theory i.e. that the best bits of anything will be fascinating.

Cue the example video consisting of edited highlights of 3-second clips of X-factor
or Britains got talent contestants notice how the edited package is always better
than the unedited version?

Now over to you. Here are 3 out of 22 documentaries you can make.
(Buy the book for the rest.)

mMMovies viz .TVshow {shtix
1) A day in the life of me
PNN: Personal News Network / Best Bits

Get a camera crew to follow you around.
Edit all your best bits together over an appropriate soundtrack.
Watch in amazement at the incredible day you just had.

mMMovies {shtix

2) March of the Turds

Shove a tiny camera up your bum. Call it: The March of the
Turds' a colonoscomentary in the style of Inside Britains
fattest man.

But is it entertainment? you ask.
Yes. You'll find watching people who are queuing up to see it
highly entertaining.



mMMovies .TVshow dilog {shtix Press Junkie
3) Press Junk Kit
How to interview anyone to make them fascinating

Interview anybody for 4 minutes e.g. your builder on his tea
break or a plumber who comes to repair your boiler. Why 4
minutes? Thats the time given to any journalist doing a press
junket an interview with a movie star to promote their latest
movie. Its kept short because there could be up to 50
journalists doing the same interview in one day. Theyre
usually given all kinds of perks to say nice things, which is
where the name media or junket whores comes from.
But the point of your experiment is to prove that an interview
with any regular person can be way more fascinating than a movie
star junket. To do this youll have to ask your subject junket
style questions e.g.

Whats it like working with a director as famous as British Gas?
Which co-worker was the most fun to work with?
How did you prepare for the role?
Does your character relate to the role of plumber? How so? (If
not, then why not?)
What was the easiest / hardest / most fun / most boring part?
I notice you showed a lot of bum cleavage. Is that expected of
everyone in the biz? Did it feel weird at first getting into
that, or were you a natural?
Do underwear companies pay you extra to do that?
What other kinds of product placement goes on in your business?
What does the future hold for your relationship with British
Gas?

That should be enough to fill 4 minutes, but if not, then refer
to more press junket questions.

Edit the best bits together and compare it to a real press
junket. Which is more fascinating? If you cant decide, then
upload it and well all decide for you.

[Directors notes: You can substitute plumber for anyone whos
not a movie star, e.g. a cab driver, carpenter, dentist,
proctologist, shrink, sky repair guy. You dont even have to
wait for them to come over. Next time a telemarketer phones
you, say youll answer their questions if they answer yours.

Also refer to more press junket questions. These are just a few
that come to mind.
If you have the time and budget, you could make it even funnier
by doing it in the style of the biography channel, or VH1s
behind the music, except its about a very ordinary person.]

16. Rename The Mundane - Remixing the Melodies of Life

16. Reframe The Mundane
Remix!ng the Melodies of Life

Whereas PSP changes the form, reframing changes the context. This is about turning
raw footage into material by focusing on editing and presenting. For example:

SUBSTANCE = Raw Footage = Old Life STYLE = Material = New Life

1) A comedian turns an encounter with an air hostess into a comedy routine.
2) A psychologist turns the same event into a psychological disorder.
3) A playwright turns the conversation directly into a play.
4) A businessman turns one of the sound bites into a ringtone.
5) An artist turns the seat and the window into an art installation.
6) A stylist turns the messed up hair into the just got out of bed look.
7) David Blaine turns being bored to death into a PR stunt.
8) Dido transcribes the minutiae of her day into a pop song.
9) Simon Cowell turns regular wannabees into pop stars.
10) A chef turns regular ingredients into a gourmet meal.
11) Nicky Greenwall turns any Reuters feed into showbiz news.
12) Richard Quest (CNN) turns anything into news.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE BIG REVEAL: the 6 stages of the cycle of innovation

How solutions can be found in unlikely places demonstrated by the invention of 18
new products.
(The products are explained in detail in the e-book.)

2) Satnav
Youre the captain of a ship. On arrival in Hawaii, you hire a car and get hopelessly
lost. You think to yourself: how is it possible that I can find an island in the Pacific
Ocean but not my way back to the harbour? Why cant I have satellite navigation in
my car? EOX! Youve just invented it, or figured out how someone else might have.

Following on from Satnav

mMMovies eprodux

3) PayNav

Automated satellite billing for parking, toll roads and other
restricted areas.

Buy the book for 2 pages on how it all works why were not
doing this is beyond me!


4) GreenWall Card use your green points as cash.

5) Credit Cardio Gym burn calories, not fossil fuels.

6) RechargeGarage, LockerCharge, CardioCharger,

HourOfPower
ways to tap into working out energy.

mMMovies
7) GoogleNav & GoogleNav Tourist
produx/satnav software/mobile phone

personal tour guide for your mobile phone wherever you are!

8) mMMovies {shtix pix/tourist photos
eprodux/climate crisis/dotcom/tourist footage

www.nevergoanywhere.com

- better than being there, because
youre not

2 pages of detail.

mMMovies viz {shtix
13) Personal Cocaine Dispenser PCD BOX
produx/gadget/joke okay?/not real/scifi

Youre listening to your boyfriends latest CD in the studio.
Its so awful you feel you need to do a line of cocaine before
you can say anything positive. As you search for a flat surface
you get your EOX! A Pete Doherty CD box!
And just like that, you invent the PCD BOX Personal Cocaine
Dispenser.
Cleverly disguised as a CD box, the straw secretly slides into a
slot inside the cover just like a PDA pen.
Order now and get the limited silver edition signed by Kate
Moss.

For the source of this idea Search images:
kate moss doing cocaine

Or, how about a parody poster / T-Shirt involving Calvin Klein,
featuring Co Kaine1 just sniff it. >PiX [produx]
(Or should it be smell & sniff.)
(Surely by now enough time has passed for Kates cocaine bust to
be officially funny?)



mMMovies viz {shtix
16) Last Rides trash your old car the fun way
produx/sport/betting/car destruction/red letter day

Youre devastated to hear that your favourite old banger is
going to need repair work costing more than the car is worth.
You know you have to trash it, but you cant bear the thought of
dumping your sentimentamobile at the crushers; youd rather
crash it into a wall or something. Eureka EOX! Wouldnt it
be great if you could give it one last ride on an obstacle
course involving a few brick walls?
Or wait, even better, how amazing would it be to have a red-
letter day at the amateur stock car racing track, right next to
the car crusher, and take home a video of the whole thing?!
And if youre too much of a woos, then hand it over to others
whod happily pay for the privilege.
Or even watch trained professionals racing your old banger
against others. You could even take bets and turn it into a day
at the races, with a vested interest in your car!
You even get to take home your compacted car, or part thereof,
as a coffee table.
(produx/furniture/recycling/climate crisis solution)

mMMovies {shtix

17) Demolition Therapy Therapeutic Damage To Property
produx/therapy/car & building demolition biz

At the end of a day of destroying cars, you notice how terrific
you feel. EOX! Demolition Therapy uses positive destruction to
de-stress and manage anger.
Explode your overload by trashing cars and buildings.
After a crash course of using demolition equipment used on
demolition sites, overstressed high-powered execs or office
workers would be qualified to perform a useful demolition
function while simultaneously exploding their overloads.
Win-win.
(Sponsor op)



After studying these 18 case studies, a pattern emerges that sheds light on the
innovation process:

What do all these EOX! connections have in common?

1) Nobody tried to invent anything; theyre all gapcidents accidents where a gap
was found.

2) They all come from RIGS: Random Idea Generating Situations.

3) There was a desire to solve a mystery, i.e. aspiration the A and fulcrum of
PIFYAFING Pulling Ideas From Your Aspiration for FINancial Gain.

4) That desire was expressed as a rhetorical question to the metaphysical
(metalogue), as in
whats up with this? or why cant I have satellite navigation in my car? i.e. all
metalogues revolve around that which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R.

5) All metalogues were answered by a connection, or EOX! the melody of life.
(Be on the lookout for the phrase: so I thought to myself)

6) The EOX! always connects information from the past with information from the
future two or more different worlds simply because you were at the right place
at the right time (i.e. the centre of an intersection of completely unrelated ideas).
1

7) Its not only your specific mystery that was solved, but a universal mystery as well,
which is why youre rewarded with a tremendously good feeling. This is how you
can identify an EOX!
If you dont actually laugh out loud when you have one, then they have exactly the
same feeling as laughter.

[See Laughter the cause of The Big Bang for more info.]

See How to get yourself into unlikely places.

Its no coincidence that Parallel Universe Theory and Previously Unconnected ThingZ
are connected by the same acronym; theres only one PUTZ who can see the
connection between this universe and the one youre acting as an ambassador for
and thats you.

1
For more about intersectional innovation read The Medici Effect by Frans Johansson

17. 6 Branding Strategies Used in the ARTS: Any Rubbish That Sells

17. 6 Branding Strategies Used in the
ARTS: Any Rubbish That Sells

Branding is the science of getting people to change their mind from yes but what
would you actually do with it? to I gotta have one of those now!

Were going to look at 6 ways to do this:

1) The Name: why add value when all you need is an adjective?

2) Fashion: if you cant change the way you look, turn it into a fashion.

3) Price Tag: you cant polish a turd, but you can put a price tag on it.

4) Soundtrack: dont say it; sing it or at least put a soundtrack under it.
(If youre a musician, then bitch about it to the beat.)

5) Tone of Voice: how to turn anything into news, by using DRAMA IN YOUR
VOICE.

6) Technology: the cooler the gadget, the less you care about the content.

18. Rhythmagination & Doodling to the Deadline

18. Rhythmagination &
Doodling to the Deadline

HOW TO SET YOUR MIND FREE TO DESTROY CONTEXT

Most sounds we hear are heard out of context we dont see exactly whats causing
the sound, and as a result we have to fill in the gaps and guess what the sound could
be. For example, if you hear a bang outside, it could be a gunshot, exhaust backfire
or fireworks. This is how sounds become audio triggers that connect you to past and
future events.

REVEALED: How visual & audio triggers create gapcidents happy accidents where
logic collides with stupidity to create new ideas.


DOODLING TO THE DEADLINE applied to songwriting

O SPARX 153: MIND THE MAP DO NOT BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND
The objective: to get horribly lost and discover places that nobodys ever been to
before.

Just as events and shapes trigger images, so too will any squiggle you draw, and this
is how youre able to create elaborate doodles while youre on the telephone. If youre
at a piano, any chord you play will make you think of notes within the chord. So just
as you tend to want to finish peoples sentences off for them, when you hear three
notes, youll want to finish off the statement.

Try it: without looking at the keyboard, play any three notes. Now complete the
statement youve just made. Just keep doodling and eventually it will start to look like
something; then fill in the gaps, and songs will magically appear. Dont decide what it
is until its done. And even then, reserve judgement let others decide what it is.

For lyrics, do exactly the same. Just say everything youre feeling, like what you need
to get your song going: I need words to make up phrases

SONG 26 DOODLING TO THE DEADLINE . [LYRIX]

I NEED WORDS TO MAKE UP PHRASES TO MAKE UP VERSES TO MAKE UP THE CHORUS

Now start throwing out some random musical phrases:

SWING TIME MOVE TIME, GROOVING TO THE BASSLINE
LICKING OUT THE CHOPS TO THE BEAT BOX
THE RIFF THE LINE THE FILL THE STAB
LICKING OUT THE CHOPS TO THE BEAT BOX

Keep going; repeat lines that work well:

ITS ALL GOT TO GO TOGETHER
JUST LIKE THE NOTES OF A MEASURE

I NEED WORDS TO MAKE UP PHRASES TO MAKE UP VERSES TO MAKE UP THE CHORUS

What else do you need?

AND ALL I NEED IS THE GROOVE
JUST THE RHYTHM
A COUPLE OF WORDS TO MAKE UP PHRASES
AND WATCH ME GO
WALKING ALL OVER THE PLACE
WITH MY UNINTENDED PHRASES
WHO KNOWS WHERE IM GOING
PUTTING DOWN THE GROOVE TRACK
LICKING OUT THE CHOPS
FIX IT IN THE MIX
PUTTING DOWN THE RHYTHM TRACK
WALKING ALL OVER THE PLACE
ITS GOT TO GO TOGETHER
WHEN YOURE PUTTING DOWN THE RHYTHM TRACK
IT MUST BE JUST ABOUT SWING TIME MOVE TIME, GROOVING TO THE BASSLINE


RHYTHMAGINATION your tempomental rhythm
O SPARX 145: LET YOUR MIND DESTROY CONTEXT BY LETTING IT
FLOW IN THE DIRECTION IT WANTS TO GO

mMMovies viz {Shtix
10) Sonic Intelligence
Sounds are attached to events for a reason they tell you
things you need to know:
[audio FX of reversing truck]
This is the unmistakable sound of a reversing truck. Theres a
reason this sound goes with this reversing truck - to warn you
that somewhere very close to you is
A GREAT BIG REVERSING TRUCK GET OUT THE WAY!
Or if youre a guy and youre taking a pee in the dark, sounds
have the same function as lights on a runway - they give you
vital positional information:
[sfx] This is the sound of the pee hitting the centre of the
bowl, giving you centre position, and telling you to move
slightly off because theres no need to wake everyone in the
house.
[sfx] This is the sound of the side of the bowl telling you that
youre on course; stay where we you are.
[sfx] This is the sound of the magazine rack telling you to move
back quickly to centre position.
[fart sfx] Too much pressure, relax a little.
[cat screeching sfx] This is the sound of the cat you didnt
realize was in there, and [sfx of door scratching] this is the
sound of the cat in a rush to get out after being pissed and
farted on.
This is how we use sounds to give us useful information to tell
us whats going on, where we are and where weve come from,
which is why we like music so much: it connects you to specific
thought frequencies that take you back to happy or sad memories,
making you want to play it again, Sam.
The opening riff from Ahas Take on me, Vanhalens Jump,
Final Countdown and Eye of the Tiger will instantly connect
you to all kinds of memories from your past where you were and
who you were with.
---
But now, thanks to the ringtone mix of every sound that ever
existed, you have no idea whats coming at you: a vicious dog, a
cow, a lion, a wild cat, a pneumatic drill, a toothbrush, a car,
a fart.
They should be warning messages, like theres a cow on the bus,
move! or warning someone just farted, move away.
But no. Now we have no idea whats going on. And if you think
this is confusing, spare a thought for the blind. One can only
hope there are no pedestrian crossing ringtones:



mMMovies viz {shtix
Sound FX Blind

Show a blind man setting off to cross a busy intersection on
hearing a pedestrian crossing ringtone, but do not show him
getting run over. Use a professional stuntman for that.

So why is all this confusion necessary?

Sounds out of context = BIG REVENUE! The sound of a simulated scooter starting up
superimposed over an animated frog = crazy frog remix = 40 million worth of logical
stupidity.

This kind of revenue forces you to see all kinds of other sounds in a whole new
context, so thats exactly what were doing in this chapter.

Sounds provide messages from distant worlds telling you how to FIB: Fill In Blanks.
For instance, a trains hooter or a doorbell will give you 2 or 3 notes, which is all you
need to connect you to a tune you already know:

This doorbell [sfx] provides the first two notes of a popular Brazilian football anthem,
connecting you with all kinds of world cup memories. [demo]

This means that if youre a composer of music, it automatically makes you finish off
the statement on your own. For example:

4 bees buzzing around a flower, in harmony with the vacuum cleaner and your electric
toothbrush, and you might just hear a D major 7 flattened 5
th.



A dove cooing can connect you to the opening riff of a new song:
Listen to how the sound of a dove cooing crossfades perfectly with the opening riff of
New York, New York. [soundbite demo]

In the next movie Im going to show you how to use a natural sound, like the
squeaking brakes of a bus, as the starting point of a new composition:

mMMovies/viz/produx/album/band/artist/inspiration device for
composing music

Brakes & fills by BusTop 40 - music inspired by street sounds
ADDsonge .

Picture this: A trumpet player is busking near a busy bus stop.
Hes not playing any standards but improvising his own melodies
over funky backing tracks coming from a boom box connected to a
laptop. As each bus approaches he uses the notes played by
squeaking brakes as the starting riff for a new melodic
direction. He continues with the same piece until the next bus
approaches, which is also his cue to change the backing track.
Connected to his laptop is a microphone which he uses to
encourage anybody walking past to say, rap or sing something -
just a few lines of whatever theyre thinking about.
So not only does he use squeaking bus brakes as inspiration, but
vocal melodies as well. Then he moves on to all street sounds
some as inspiration for improvisation and some as samples,
recorded and inserted rhythmically into the music. So, for
example, car hoots would be part of the mix.

He hands out cards giving his website where all live productions
are available to purchase, and he sells his CDs from a trumpet
case which is also used for tips.
The top CD shows the title: Brakes & Fills, by BusTop 40.
An assistant of his teaches the choreography for the The
Squeaky Brake Dance to the people waiting at the bus stop. The
whole thing is videod and available for all to see on youtube
the same night.
Search for BusTop 40 as soon as it becomes available i.e. as
soon as it leaves the metaphysical thoughtmosphere and enters
the physical world i.e. as soon as my guessedge becomes
knowledge i.e. my regular bullshit becomes professional
bullshit i.e. my dreams come true.



Brakes & Fills was inspired by the sound effects choir on the
Honda commercial.

I wondered: What if, instead of the choir replicating sound
effects with their voices, they transcribed them into tones,
intervals and rhythms and then used them as the starting points
of new melodies? And what if you could do it on the fly?
And what if it was done by a busker feeding off sound effects
from the streets?

That wonder was just a wonder uploaded to the thoughtmosphere,
until I cycled past a bus whose brakes sounded like a really
loud melodic bird song. EOX! That was the connection I needed
to complete the sketch of Brakes & Fills, a play on Breaks &
Fills, which are building blocks used in music production.
Now over to you, either to create this sketch or adopt the same
system into your world: mMMovies Busking for Birds

What if you were a clarinettist and did the same thing in a
forest of birds?
What if you transcribed bird song melodies into actual melodies
and recorded them?
And how would the birds appreciate their songs being plagiarised
and adapted? Would they change their tunes to match your new
version? Where do they get their song ideas from? Whos
teaching who here? Only one way to find out:

Dream it up, then just do it...

Honda the power of dreams
[Sponsorship opportunity]


O SPARX 146: PLAGIARISE NATURE!
The above movie is designed to demonstrate how natural sounds can be used as
inspiration for musical pieces. To use this device, carry a digital recorder with you and
start recording the sounds of nature and machines. When you get back to your studio,
either import the sample directly into your music software program or play the closest
representation on a musical instrument. Use each natural riff as the starting riff for a
musical piece, filling in the gaps as you hear them. Consider the sounds and rhythms
of printers, cars starting up, engines idling, bird callsgo wild!

The sound of a car starting up combined with the fact that youre starting a new
relationship, leads to an EOX! A car starting up effect can be used to symbolise a
relationship starting up:

ADDsonge . LETS TRY TO GET THIS THING GOING [car starting sfx]

This is how sounds trigger thoughts that get us to see things from other worlds.
A throat clearance can do the same thing. [sfx] Remind you of anything?
Well then, how about this one? Sfx of throat clearing that resembles the famous
scooter effect from the crazyfrog ringtone. Put that over a beat and you have the
Crazy Frog ringtone and 40 million!

Now instead of a throat clearing scooter sound, lets do the same thing with another
natural human sound. [fart sfx] Removed from its natural context and inserted over a
hip-hop backbeat, it becomes this:
ADDsonge . www. PUT A NEW FLAVOUR IN THE ATMOSPHERE (FART SONG)

Rhythmagination means allowing your mind to go where it wants to go; so instead of
calling it Fart Song well go for the lyric: Put A New Flavour In The Atmosphere.
I only notice these things because my STUBID tells me how to connect things
musically. Your STUBID tells you exactly how to connect things and what you have to
do to complete the picture.

Plagiarise nature!

>PiX/cartoon/grafix The sig nature of God
A gorgeous sunset with multiple colours in the sky. The
reflection of the sun on the ocean makes up the g, theres a
copyright on the sun, a trademark on the moon, which together
looks like Gods signed the sunset.
Something like this, only a lot prettier: gd

God doesnt seem to be too protective over His intellectual property, as long as he gets
a mention in your thank you speech. This means that all divine colours, aromas,
flavours, textures, operating systems, rhythms and melodies are up for grabs. In fact,
just this morning, I was woken up by a rather enthusiastic dawn chorus of bird songs,
which were not far off being radio-friendly pop tunes. The problem was that they
werent singing as a group, but rather as a bunch of soloists competing against each
other. Where have I seen this before? EOX! Pop Idols & X-factor, except all the
contestants were singing at the same time. Thats what led to this sketch / movie
pitch:



mMMovies dilog wMoviePitch

FLOCK IDOLS - The search is on for the nest big thing
Other names: Dawn Chorus, Tweet Factor, Get the Flock Out of
Here, What the Flock?!
The scene: The Aviary, London Zoo. Various birds are
auditioning for a panel of bird judges:
Simon Owl: More interested in trying to wit and to woo the
contestants than judge them.
Sharon Oztrich: Does her best to be as diplomatic as possible
but cant help laughing out loud when things get really bad.

Louis Belch: A long-tailed tit whos more interested in
outwitting Owl than judging the contestants.
All aspects of TV talent shows should be parodied: the
background on the contestants, the long queues stretching into
the streets to get into the aviary, the waiting, the audition
itself and the breaking of good or bad news to bird families
waiting anxiously outside.
Two categories:
Dawn Chorus - a capella groups doing their signature bird songs.
Solo artists - doing their versions of popular songs, backed by
a live band of birds.
Its the early elimination rounds of Flock Idols and were
listening to the solo artists:
The girls:
Holly Woodpecker sings When Doves Cry
She does this amazingly complex drum solo by tap-dancing on the
snare drum while pecking on the hi-hat. Also flies between the
other drums to create incredibly complex rhythms. Unbelievable.
You gotta see this.
Shakira Terry (a secretary bird with big breasts) sings
Whenever, wherever...we should flock together
Peacock Teza (gorgeous bird who knows how to use what she has to
get where she needs to go) song to be decided
Mandy Duck (from a duck pond in the aviary) sings (to someone
throwing bread) Why does bread suddenly appear every time you
are near?
Weather Fukawai (Asian bird with a song that sounds like her
name)
Cuckoo Potty (complete nutter whos all over the place chirps
a thousand words a minute and flies off on tangents, literally)
sings Dilly Moggy Whacky Bazarro, one of her own
compositions, even though its against the rules
Amy Birdhouse (a gorgeous flamingo with tattoos and an
outrageous birds nest of a hairdo) sings Birdbath:
They tried to make me take a birdbath, I say NO NO NO
They tried to make me take a birdbath, I wont GO GO GO



Flock of Seagulls bunch of teenage yobs squawking loudly out
of tune but in time to Acceptable In the 80s (Calvin Harris).
They have some amazing choreography worked out but are stopped
halfway through when theyre told they should be in the groups
section

Robin Titmouse (a transpecies birdmouse whos had wing surgery
in a desperate attempt to be accepted as a bird) sings
Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Before we introduce the guys, we go into Youll never find
another Dove, a duet sung by two gorgeous, white doves
(original by Michael Buble & Laura Pausini)

The guys:
Homer Pigeon (works as an extra and stunt bird in movies / most
dangerous stunt was getting shot out of a tree by Bart Simpson
in the Mother Bart episode)
sings Home by Michael Buble

Guinness Fowl (fowlmouthed punk rocker) sings Firestarter

Yatsu Sushimi (Japanese robin) sings Everybody was Earthworm
Fighting

Avner Crowsky (orthodox Jewish crow with a long beak) sings
Hassidic songs

Vic Vulture sings Eat You Alive by Limp Bizkit

Robbie Cockpecker (very camp gay robin) sings Fly me to the
moon

Johnny Baldeagle (American crooner with a voice like Michael
Buble) sings Come Fly With Me

Repeter Parrot sings repetitive club tracks and then repeats
everything Simon Owl says, so all his insults fly straight back
at him.

Shaggy Blackbird (rapper) rap song to be decided

Simon: What was that?
Blackbird: Thats my courting solo, it works every time.

mMMovies:
Turkey Masala: Before Turkeys audition we see a short
flockumentary about his family who was killed in the British
Xmas persecution of 2004. Masala managed to escape, and stowed
away in a passenger cruise liner bound for India where he now
practises yoga and works for the Turkey Rights Organisation.
Hes using Flock Idols as a platform to campaign against
Thanksgiving, Xmas and bird flu culling persecutions around the
world.

His band, The Vegans, are booked to perform with other animals
at LIVESTOCK, a rock concert raising awareness about animal
conservation. [See notes below]



SHOWTIME:

MALE VO: Live from The Aviary, London Zoo, its Flock Idols: the
search for the nest big thing. [Cue theme music]
[Cue opening production number - Your Love Keeps Lifting Me
Higher, featuring The Fabulous Flamingo Girls backed by Nandos
Chicken Dancers doing the chicken dance. The two songs should
be cut, superimposed and blended together.]

VO: Please welcome your host for the evening: Afrikahn Peng
Wahn.

Afrikahn: [Chris Rock doing shtick] Yo yo, mah main flock, wsup.
I just flew in from The South Pole and boy are my wings tired.
[Audience laughter] Well I would have flown, but all the
flights were booked up. [Laughter]
Im kidding, Im not from Antarctica - Im from Robben Island,
South Africa...
[A few other penguins in the audience whistle and applaud]
Oh, I see I have a few of my South African brothers out there.
Good job were black AND white, huh? [Laugh] Talk about the
best of both worlds. But we dont get to fly though. That
sucks big-time, let me tell you. I walked into a travel shop
the other day because the sign on the window said: Fly now, pay
later. [Laughter]
I said, Im here for the deal in the window. They said,
Great, where do you want to go? I said, Whats it to you?
[Laughter] They said, Okay what date would you like to fly and
when would you like to return? I said, Listen here, you dont
seem to understand me. I want to fly wherever I want to go and
whenever I like, you got that? [Laughter]
They couldnt help me, so I walked out. Saw another sign in a
shop that said: 20 free airtime voucher...for all phones over
50. [Laughter] I thought: Great, Im done with swimtime,
gimme some of that airtime, baby. [Laughter] Forget the
phone, just hit me with an airtime voucher and let me pay as I
go...without any contractual obligations. [Laughter] I want
it all! They said, Sorry, offer not valid for penguins or
ostriches. [Laughter]
Its just not fair, we dont get no airtime. Fish gotta swim
like a birds gotta fly, am I right? [Huge yeah from the
birds perched on branches above him]
Oh, easy for you to chirp, isnt it? Way up there in the
expensive seats. [Laughter]
What Id only give for that birds-eye view. [No laughter]
Birds-eye view? Hello? You dont like that one? Never mind,
move on...
So Im living in the zoo now, on a tiny island in the penguin
pool called Chris Rock. You may have heard of it? [Cut to
confused reaction-shot of birds not getting the joke] Yeah, I
just waddled over here from CHRIS ROCK in the penguin pool - man
is it good to be out of that verkakte place. Look at this
place, I feel like Ive died and gone to the Canary Islands.
[Laughter]



[sfx of a whistle coming from the production manager, stage
right]
Theyre flapping their wings here, telling me I gotta get on
with the show.
[Looks again] Whats that you say? Go to the water queue? Why
would I do that? Im not thirsty. What? Oh, you want me to go
the autocue? Gotcha. [Mumbling under his breath] African
Jackass. [Straining his eyes to read] Welcome to the very
first episode of Flock Idols, the search for the nest big thing.
Oh please, who writes this stuff? NEST BIG THING? [Massive
scream from production backstage: JUST READ THE AUTOCUE!]
Okay, okay! Jeeze, keep your feathers on. [Goes back to
autocue]
Please welcome our first celebrity guest: Beep Beep the
Roadrunner

[Beep runs on, faces the audience, gives a beep beep then runs
off]

Afrikahn: What the flock was that? Thats not an act? Thats a
one trick pigeon. [Laughter] What do you say we bring her back
for a proper song? [Big YEAH from audience]

Flamingo Girls:

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah, bring her back
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah, bring her back

Roadrunner enters with microphone, joining up with the Flamingo
girls:

Baby, you can fly me far
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby, you can fly me far
And maybe I'll love you

All together:

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep YEAH

Afrikahn: Well what do you know? The beep can sing after all.
Still freaks me out though that some very ordinary looking
bird can be famous for a two-word catchphrase, and you know they
have to be fowl words, right? Or why else would they keep
beeping them out? [Laughter]
You wanna know what they are? [Looks around like hes going for
a big reveal] Ill tell you, because she told me backstage.
[He mouths two words which are censored by regular beeps]
[Laughter]
Hows that, huh? Famous for saying [beep sfx] and [beep sfx].
[Laughter] Thats what I call a one trick pigeon.



[Reading from autocue] And now...wont you please give it up
for your favourite celebrity ducks, who just recently came out
the oak tree. [Looks at audience] As if we didnt
know...Donald & Daffy.

Donald & Daffy sing:

Start spreading your wings, were leaving today
We want to be a part of it New York, New York
These vagabond wings are longing to stray
Downtown to the village, where everyones happy and gay

Afrikahn: Were gonna take a short break, but dont fly
anywhere.

Commercial break - campaign designed to curb bird deaths on
roads:
Pigeon 1: Hit me at 80 and Ill look like this.
[Cut to squashed bird in road]
[Cut to another squashed bird]
[Cut to another nasty squashed bird pic]
Bird to cam: My fellow flock - roads are for cars; we have wings
use them for flying!

Afrikahn: Later on we have my brothers flying in from Warner:
Tweety and Sylvester. I know what youre thinking, and we got
it covered. Sylvester will be surrounded by heavily armed Eagle
security guards at all times. But before we start swinging any
cats around, lets bring on the contestants.

[Contestant section goes here]

The show closes with all the birds doing a funked up medley /
superimposed mix of Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, We believed we
could fly and Were Flying The Flag for The Birds (Britains
Eurovision 2007 Song Contest entry).



ROFR FOR FLOCK IDOLS

ROFR (Right of First Refusal) goes to The Bird Park i.e. Brad Bird of Pixar and Nick
Park of Aardman.

Next in the pecking order would be Dreamworks in association with Nandos Chicken.

And then comes you lot.
If the above lot dont get back to me within [a time to be specified], then its open to
all budding digital animators, wherever you are, by way of Internet collaboration. This
is your chance to show what you can do.
Im hoping for the style of Pixars most hilarious For the Birds, a snippet of which can
be viewed at www.pixar.com/shorts/

Sponsorship opportunity for Pixar, Aardman or Dreamworks, or if theyre not up for it,
then were doing it anyway. So whos in? Calling all animation artists and investors
whod be interested in funding this. To discuss Flock Idols into existence go to
www.logicalstupidity.com.

FLOCK IDOLS The search for the nest big thing.

Spin-off idea triggered by Turkey Masala:

mMmovies viz wMoviePitch: LIVESTOCK

the rock n roll Wildlife

A Spinal Tap style rockumentary with live footage from the
original LIVESTOCK of March 2003.

Organised entirely by animals, the concert was arranged to raise
awareness about endangered animals, and to campaign against
animal cruelty and being eaten by humans.

Contains backstage footage never released before and includes
interviews with all performers.

Other possible taglines:
The wildlife are running the show
Welcome to the wildlife
Dont let the wild life become extinct support LIVESTOCK
Cook with love, not animals
The animals are revolting


THE GAPCIDENT: THE HAPPY ACCIDENT WHERE LOGIC COLLIDES
WITH STUPIDITY

O SPARX 147: FIB to FINISH: Fill in blanks to finish it off

i.e. convert the accident into a gapcident by getting yourself in the mix
(also see Crisotunity converting global problems into opportunity)

Zurich because change happenz [Sponsorship opportunity for Zurich]
Theres a very good reason why change happenz to show you the link between crisis
and opportunity you have to find the connection and fill in the gaps yourself.
We cant just react to the changes that life brings; we have to come up with innovative
ways to make change happen.
Accidents are natures way of reminding us to keep changing our minds.

Gapcidents are caused by Thought Bombs
FLOCK IDOLS is an example of a gapcident a freak accident triggered by nature, that
I just followed as far as I could go. How did the accident happen? A hopelessly out of
synch dawn chorus collided with my knowledge about X-factor & Pop Idols, resulting in
a massive thought bomb shrapnel of tiny thoughts from unrelated fields colliding and
flying off in multiple directions. I just happened to be in the right place and time to
act as a catalyst that detonated the bomb in the meshugganah middle. Once you
have the framework for your collision, the material writes itself. Lets have a look at
how this works:

The mechanics of the gapcident
An accident in the physical world is a completely planned for gapcident in the
thoughtmosphere, since it triggers OSKNOWSIS: You have an instant low pressure
zone of information, or a knowledge vacuum, which results in a massive and sudden
flow of information from multiple sources rushing in to fill the empty space. The result
is a Little Bang causing laughter or a reaction of surprise such as WHAT?!?! or WHAT
THE??!!
If its massive enough, it can cause a Big Bang similar to the one that started this
universe, but if not its just a thought bomb that causes press conferences or ideas like
FLOCK IDOLS.

Once Id set up the collision between X-factor & Flock Idols, everything I know about
X-factor, Pop Idols, pop stars and pop music instantly starts pairing off with everything
I know about birds, and the knowledge vacuum begins to fill with hybrid molecules of
information (i.e. comedy material) that are no longer equal to the some of its parts. In
the physical world this can be likened to the way that two atoms of hydrogen combine
with one atom of oxygen to form a new material called water.

While comedy material itself cannot be seen or heard, just like wind, its effects can
e.g. the sights and sounds of laughter can be measured and felt.


GAPCIDENTS: Accidents that make you FIB - Fill In Blanks

Gapcidents happen for a number of reasons:

1) A number of random, dysfunctional or accidental events that line up in such a way
that you see the connection between all of them.
2) A single event leading to an EOX! (Eureka moment) which is an illuminated
connection that tells you exactly how to fill in the gaps.
3) A trigger from one of your 5 senses that reminds you of something else.
4) An out of context event that acts as a RIG: Random Idea Generator, which is
nothing more than a message from your parallel world reminding you to describe to
your fellow aliens in this common luniverse what life is like on the planet you come
from.
5) An accidental discovery, way more interesting than whatever you were looking for
like what happens just about every time you Google something.

Gapcidents are the after effects of accidents, and lead to discovery, invention, answers
and solutions. Were not just talking about the accidental discovery of penicillin here;
were talking about the creation of everything. The cycle of innovation involves a
6-step process: >PiX/grafix showing this.

Cycle of Innovation: We didnt start the fire; it was always burning since the
world was turning. Heres how we keep stoking the fire:

+ @ ?O? @ C@ @ M!!! @ ( @ +
1 2 3 4 5 6
accident thought bomb conference solutions/new laws/ gapcident new accident
products
>PiX/grafix: accidents to gapcidents
[See other references to cycle of innovation & solutions can be found in unlikely
places]

Press Conferences:
Accidents of any sort, natural or man-made always lead to Q&A Thought Bombs,
designed to split thoughts multiple ways for the purposes of growth e.g. Virginia
Tech campus shooting results in a thought bomb press conference: How could this
happen? How could we let it happen? How can we make sure that this never
happens again? How safe are schools? Who was Cho? What series of events led to
this mental state? Who were the parents? How do students deal with this?

The investigation will reveal all kinds of information that will provide numerous
answers, speculations and debate that will lead to both product and legal innovation.
And therein lies the paradox of thought bombs caused by any kind of drama or
tragedy:
* The paradox of thought bombs
Tragic accidents that cause grief, sympathy, shock, outrage and anger also unite
people for the purpose of progress and innovation i.e. things are going to be made
better to ensure that accidents like this will never happen again. And they never will,
because accidents are different each time, but we will find temporary solutions though.

19. FOK-U: The Faade Of Kindness & Understanding

19. FOK-U: The Faade Of Kindness
& Understanding

A quick seminar in effective leadership i.e. PR & Spin.

In order to turn global problems into political and marketing opportunities, you need
the right attitude.
Ignorance is not acceptable, apathy is expected, but acting as if you care is essential,
which is why you need to learn the art of CAREOGRAPHY choreographed caring,
where youll learn to:

Act AS IF the customer is king.
Act AS IF nothing is a problem and youre having a nice day.
Act AS IF your boss is not a complete asshole.
Act AS IF your staff /students /citizens are all special.
Act AS IF you know what youre doing.

The seminar includes The 10 strategies of highly effective PR & Spin:

1. SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY (SONG 27)
2. GET COVERAGE OF YOU CARING THE MORE YOU GET, THE MORE YOU CARE
3. DONT GET NASTY ON EVILDOERS SHOW NASTY
4. LEARN YOUR ESPS: EMOTICON STOCK PHRASES
5. USE FABOLS: FASHIONABLE ADJECTIVES BASED ON LIFESTYLE
6. BE SEEN THROWING MONEY AT THE PROBLEM
7. PROMOTE AN IMAGE OF HEALTH AND FITNESS
8. RAISE AWARENESS WITH A ROCK CONCERT
9. SPONSOR WORLD PEACE EVENTS
10. USE IMPROPER USE WARNING LABELS

Lets have a look at the 1
st
and last strategies:


1) O SPARX 158: SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY
Whether youre the boss who needs to show dominance and influence, or whether
youre part of the staff and need to act as if you care, the ultimate all-in-one package
comes from humouring the system i.e. Smile For Your Salary.
SONG 27 SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY . [LYRIX]
I DRAG MY BODY OUT OF BED
TAKE MY COFFEE IN THE CAR
SPEND AN HOUR IN THE TRAFFIC
AND WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE DOOR
THATS YOUR MARKET
THATS YOUR TARGET
ITS WHATEVER THEY THROW MY WAY
IM GOING NOWHERE
IM STUCK ON GROUNDHOG DAY

BUT YOU SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY
YOU FOLLOW THE MAN AT THE TOP
YOURE FREE TO DO EXACTLY AS THEY TELL YOU

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO COMPLAIN
NOT WITH YOUR UNDERCOVER PARKING
AN OFFICE OF YOUR OWN WITH YOUR NAME ON THE DOOR:
SUPER HERO WHOOP DEE DEE
SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY

OH I COULD MAKE LIFE EASY YEAH
BUT THEY DONT PAY ME ENOUGH TO CARE
I ONLY KNOW WHAT THEY TELL ME
AND THAT CHANGES DAILY
AND THOUGH I DONT THINK THAT ITS FAIR
WHEN YOU NEED TO AVOID
BEING UNEMPLOYED
YOU PUT UP WITH THE CRAP THAT THEY GIVE YA
AND YOU SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY

[Extra bridge for the extended remix version]
SO YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION
WONT YOU PLEASE WRITE IT DOWN
WE REALLY WANT TO MAKE THIS PLACE BETTER FOR ALL OF US
OR YOU CAN JUST SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOURE PAID TO DO
DONT INTERFERE WITH ANYONE
DO YOUR JOB JOIN THE TEAM
NEVER SUGGEST ANYTHING, JUST
SMILE FOR YOUR SALARY



10) USE IMPROPER USE WARNING LABELS

Double whammies! Not only are you seen to be acting responsibly, youre also giving
your target market ideas they might have missed had there been no warning at all.
These ideas will make up the bulk of your business e.g.

10. This photocopy machine may not be used for body parts.
9. This Pete Doherty CD may not be used as a cocaine dispenser.
8. This Celine Dion box set may not be used for clay pigeon shooting.
7. Do not use our BB gun to shoot birds or Dick Cheney.
6. Do not use this electric toothbrush for any other purpose.
5. Do not launch fireworks from your backside - the weirdos of Jackass are trained
stuntmen.
4. This Superman costume does not enable you to fly.
3. Do not use P2P software to download music for free.
2. The use of Yahoo groups to trade naked pictures of yourself or your ex-girlfriend
is strictly forbidden. You may also not use a webcam to show your willy to
anyone.
1. You may eat all the fruit in the Garden of Eden except the apple.

The law of Logical Stupidity says you can bank on people doing the exact opposite of
your advice, thereby keeping you in business.


Summary of FOKU
There is only what is. That which should be doesnt exist, and yet trying to reach it
and showing that you're trying is the essence of both innovation and leadership: even
if theres no heaven we still have to act as if there is one or were all completely
@$%^ screwed.

So, as a leader or innovator, you have to keep finding ways of showing that you care.
Be happy that your efforts are fruitless, because achieving your end purpose would
also defeat it:

What would happen if the wishes of the UN and all beauty pageant contestants came
true at the same time and world peace broke out? GAME OVER! Or to quote Marge
Simpson when she realised she was wrong acting as a moral guardian:
I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time they probably
shouldnt.

Without a constant supply of problems, insanity and stupidity, thered be no cause to
fight for:
Call off the Nobel peace prize and all charity events there's no famine or poverty.
Now the rich and famous really would have nothing to do.
No need for partisan politics everyone agrees.
Cancel all contracts for multibillion dollar arms deals; everyones getting along.
No need to invent remote controlled robots to rescue injured or abducted soldiers
theres no war.
Forget the entire media, from CNN all the way down to the gossip mags there's
peace in the Middle East and Brad & Jen are still together playing happy families.
Comedians would have to get real jobs nobodys doing anything stupid.

The by-product of all the insanity of the world is innovation:
The world turns, not despite of all the problems, but because of them, and
this is what the Logical Stupidity formula for innovation is based on.
SONG 28 THE COLOUR OF CONFUSION . [LYRIX]
ISNT IT LOVELY THAT NOTHING IS SIMPLE?
THAT EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON SOMETHING
SO IM BEING VAGUE BUT IM AWARE
WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SPLITTING HAIR
AND IF YOU FOCUS ON THE BLUR
YOULL FIND YOUR LIFE IS THE COLOUR OF CONFUSION
OH ISNT IT LOVELY,
THAT IT HAPPENS TO BE OUR FAVOURITE SOURCE OF INSPIRATION
CONTROVERSY IS WHAT WERE LOOKING FOR
OUTRAGEOUS CONTRADICTION, LIKE [guitar solo]
CAN YOU IMAGINE NO RELIGION
AND WE WERE ALL BORN THE SAME COLOUR?
THERE WOULD BE SILENCE
BUT YOU KNOW YOU PREFER THE NOISE
CONTRADICTION, THE CHAOS, THE NOISE
WE FEED OFF SOME KIND OF CONTROVERSY
GETTING ALONG IS A FALLACY
BITCHING, COMPLAINING IS WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO AROUND


Now that you have the FOKU attitude, lets tackle world problems using the
meshugganah matrix:

USING FOK-U FOR INNOVATION
HOW TO CONVERT GLOBAL PROBLEMS INTO OPPORTUNITIES

CHART 3 GLOBAL STUPIDITY MESHUGGANAH MATRIX
(Products in [ ] actually exist. For more details on any of these products, do a search
on them.)
GLOBAL
STUPIDITY
MESHUGGANAH
MIDDLE
WANTASEE

WORLD CRISIS WORLD
CRISATUNITY =
SOLUTION
OPPORTUNITY
ASOWL TAX
Altruistic Sense Of
Wellbeing & Love
Throw some money at the
problem

Government legislation
produx/legislation/newrule
eclimate crisis

Produce more EFEs Eco
Friendly Everything labels:
Ego Friendly Vehicles
BATTERARI

2x2

Sports car co.
produx/hybrid car
eclimate crisis
Same company that brought us
the 4x4
Ambuhearse
If it doesnt make it in time it
slows down and switches to
battery
Commercial car co.
produx/hybrid car
eclimate crisis

Global Warming:
Recycling businesses
News: Xmas cards are
getting recycled as toilet
paper:

Roller Cards
Cut the crap with roller
cards
AdaptaCard

pass it on
Keep a digital copy, then
change the details to suit the
new occasion

Card biz
produx/recycling card company
eclimate crisis


Global Warming
continued
[Global Warming In Action
Tours]
Warming Island, Greenland
US Tour Company
Betchart Expeditions
Food wastage The DoggieBag
2
nd
Hand Buffet
all you can eat for a pound
dogs welcome
produx/recycling restaurant
eclimate crisis
Aids The Pink Rotamola Phone
designed to eliminate AIDS
in Africa
Phone company

Poverty [Fight Poverty] T-Shirt company
[Bungee jump against
racism]
Simpsons: Homerpalooza
Concession stand owner at
awareness raising rock concert
Racism
Crash the movie Paul Haggis, screenwriter

Violence / hatred
Obscene language
Feaux Rappaccino
So mild you could play it in
Starbucks
Uses swearanisms
(spoonerism swearing):
YOUR MOTHERFIRE WAS A
FUTHA MUCKA
YOUR FUSH FICKER WAS
PHEASANT PLUCKER
Songwriter
produx/music genre
Children cruelty Baby Oil Zero
No babies used in our
products
Oil Co
produx/joke product
Animal cruelty
Foxhunting
PaintFox
even the multicoloured
foxes are happy
Paintball company
produx/sport&rec/toys/gadget
Campaign: Leave the tuna
alone
Tuna-friendly dolphin
Fishery
produx/food/fishing/

Overfishing: breaking
news from the future:
Tuna are more
intelligent than
dolphin

Sustainable Sauces
Using sustainable sauces will
ensure that theres plenty of
fish in the sea
produx/food
Inhumane killing
methods
Silly Cow meat products
All cows died of their own
stupidity
(e.g. trying to jump over the
electric fence)
Cattle farming
produx/food


Exploitation of women
(feminism)
Fair trade lesbian
pornography
all girls paid a minimum of
$1000 per scene
Porn producer
produx/adult movies
Healthy Eating
[traffic light labelling system]
Red=bad, green=good,
amber=not sure
Supermarket
eclimate crisis
[Biodegradable Bags]
Carrot & Celery burger MacDonalds
produx/food
eclimate crisis
PizZero the diet pizza

your pizza biz
produx/food
[Coke light / Zero] Coke

Obesity
Junk food
Wheatgrass health kick:
[The Lawnmower]
Based on an idea by Homer
Simpson
Bar / drinks company
produx/beverage/alcohol
Goldilocks Porridge produx/food Disney
Mickey Mineral Water produx/food
Bugs Bunny Carrot Sticks produx/food Warner bros.
Looney Lemonade produx/beverage

News: Disney bans
junk food at theme
parks
Use that news to
create health products
under license from
Disney
TummiBugz
effective weight loss tablets
With added Salmonella3
Drop 4 jean sizes in 4 days
Pharmaceutical co.
produx/health&beauty/drug/joke
Alcoholism Red Nose Beer Day
Prize for the reddest nose
Campaign by Beer co.
produx/beer commercial
Terrorism Osama Shooting Range
OSAMA TIME AND THE
LIVING IS SCARY
HESBOLLA JUMPING AND
THE SECURITY ALERT IS
HIGH
Rifle range owner
produx/sport&rec
Songwriter
(see song)


Where is Osama? Video game programmer
produx/software/game=
Toura Bora Terror Tours

Touring Company/
produx/tourism
Holiday resorts
(Seriously its happening)
Osama singing My Way comedy sketch
[Unmentionable Danish
Cartoon about prophet
Mohammed]
Political cartoonist

Terrorism
continued
Jerry Springer satire:
[My daughter is dating a
terrorist]
GWJOKES.com
Bird Flu Search images Bird flu
hits Disney

Hurricane Katrina [Tour of Americas Greatest
Catastrophe]

Tour company
(Seriously- its happening)
Other threats to world peace:
Boredom YAWN been-done-to-death
rating system
produx/legislation
The RingDance
You answer, you dance!
Its your call
The Compulsory 8-step
dance before answering or
making calls on your phone
OPMC
Other Peoples
Mobilephone
Conversations:
presenting the
icebreaker to ease
passenger tension:
The Decibel Dance

produx/legislation/mobile phone

The CASH Crisis
Global Corruption,
Stupidity & Hypocrisy
Crisis
produx/legislation to stamp it
out
John Stewart, Letterman,
Conan, OBrian, Jay Leno, etc.
Logical Stupidity
Awards
for excellence in Time
Wasting
YOU
produx/ award ceremony

20. Measuring Your Mood Using R&D Therapy

20. Measuring Your Mood Using
R&D Therapy

R&D creative therapy is about Rehashing & Disguising your frustrations and then
selling them through different media. This can only happen by measuring your mood:

The physical world has scientific measuring devices business climate is measured by
market indices. But how do we measure mood? Thats where art comes in just as
we have the colour spectrum or the sound frequency spectrum, so too do we have the
human emotion spectrum, or moodometer. Zoomed all the way out, its just as vague
as hot, mild and cold i.e. Woohoo!! Whatever & FU!! .

But by getting inside the meshugganah middle and measuring the spaces between
your thoughts, you create more detailed awareness pixels, and the more you have, the
better the quality of your life. How so? Each pixel of emotion you identify translates
into a line of conversation, a line for a song or a script, a business plan, a joke, a
comedy sketch, a brush stroke on a painting, or a feature on a piece of software or a
sports car.

This is why R&D therapy doesnt try to fix your dysfunctions, because theyre not
supposed to be fixed. This is natures way of creating the luniverse. How do we know
this? Well who do you know that isnt just a little bit whacked out in some way?

Were all fluffed in the head but not in the same way: the slight difference is known as
your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise.
The objective of R&D therapy is to find your STUBID and make it work for you.

The method: CRITICISE, ANALYSE & CAPITALISE
How do you capitalise? By recycling all your emotional sewage as commerce in a
process called:
SONG 29 FRUSTRATION FOR SALE . [LYRIX]

LET ME SELL YOUR SONG OF REVOLUTION
IT DONT MEAN A THING IF ALL YOU CAN DO IS SING
SO ITS UP TO ME AND THE MARKETING
TO LET THE PEOPLE KNOW SO THEY DO THE RIGHT THING
IMAGE IS EVERYTHING ALL IN THE PACKAGING
NEW BIG THING NEW
SYNERGY MARKETING
ALL IN THE PACKAGING
NEW BIG THING YOU
START A CONTROVERSY ANY PUBLICITY
THROW IT UP
MAKE A SHOW OF IT
WITH A MEGALOMANIA FEVER HYSTERIA
WRAP IT UP
PUT A BOW ON IT
LET ME SELL YOUR SONG OF REVOLUTION

20. Measuring Your Mood Using R&D Therapy


O SPARX 170: BLAME SOMEONE OR SOMETHING

IS IT GETTING BETTER OR DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?
WILL IT MAKE IT EASIER ON YOU NOW YOU GOT SOMEONE TO BLAME?
U2 One

Well actually, yes blaming not only makes things easier, its an essential inspiration
device. For example:

LIKE A SHOT THROUGH THE HEART AND YOURE TO BLAME
YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME Bon Jovi

So who or what are you going to blame?

SONG 30 MOANING OUT OF TUNE . [LYRIX]

Blame your girlfriend:

I WAS DONE WRONG I WAS CHEATED ON
COS YOU SPUN A WEB SO STRONG
SO I BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING

Now blame your massive ego:

I LOVE THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE
I COULD LISTEN TO ME EVERY DAY
ITS JUST AS WELL I DONT KNOW WHAT IM SINGING ABOUT
COS I GOT NOTHING TO SAY

IM JUST MOANING OUT OF TUNE YEAH

21. Thought Accountancy - Detect, Collect, Connect

21. Thought Accountancy
Detect, Collect, Connect

And then report on PNN your Personal News Network.

Did you ever wonder why exactly the same amount of news happens every day
regardless of what happens in the world?
Thats because the news is a business, where reporters have to be fed, and where
column space and program slots have to be filled. This is why youll never see a news
headline of NOTHING MUCH HAPPENED TODAY, because if nothing serious happens
there are always backup headlines to run like Gordon Brown & Tony Blair to remain
friends or Posh goes shopping with Katie.

Newsflash: youre also in the news business. Whats going on with you is just as
important or as trivial as world headlines. To practise thought accountancy, you need
to become the editor for My Life a news program broadcast on PNN, your Personal
News Network. At the end of every day you need to present a 10-minute highlights
presentation of your news. Whats in it?

O SPARX 179: WHAT ARE YOUR TOP STORIES ON PNN?

SONG 31 WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY? . [LYRIX]

LOVING YOUR LIFE
IS ALL YOU NEED FOR SURVIVING
BUT YOU NEVER DO
THATS WHY GETTING THERE
IS ALWAYS MORE FUN THAN ARRIVING
COS YOU NEVER DO
SO YOURE GONNA MEASURE YOUR LIFE
YOULL KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOURE DOING
WHEN YOU TAKE MY ADVICE
AND ASK YOURSELF EVERY DAY:

DID YOU LEARN? DID YOU LAUGH? DID YOU LISTEN? DID YOU HAVE ANY
FUN?
WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY?
WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT YOURE GETTING ANYWHERE?
WHAT WAS THE REASON FOR TODAY?

21. Thought Accountancy - Detect, Collect, Connect


O SPARX 180: DETECT COLLECT CONNECT

THINK OF YOUR LIFE AS A GAME OF TETRIS Sponsorship opportunity for Tetris

Think of your life as a game of Tetris where all problems thrown at you e.g. the
contents of your inbox are the shapes flying at you. You need to find a way to twist
all these problems in such a way that they line up to form neat rows, leaving no
mysterious spaces. You score points for using problems as part of the solution, and
extra bonus points for lining up four rows of problems in such a way that they all
disappear instantly.

Exactly how you twist the facts that youre presented with, depends on your STUBID:
Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise. My STUBID is that Im wired for
rhythm, so I process everything musically. This means that if Im sent on a mission to
Starbucks with a specific order, like a grande semi skim cappuccino with an extra
shot, Ill have to turn it into a song so I dont forget it. Any other incoming
information will be lined up according to some kind of rhythm:

SONG 32 GRANDE SEMI SKIM CAPPACINO . [LYRIX]
WITH AN EXTRA SHOTDON'T FORGET THE SHOT

O SPARX 183: COLLECT Awareness Pixels
Just as accountancy involves the collection of receipts that record who paid what and
how much, thought accountancy involves the collection of thoughts with opinions
about them. The two together make up your awareness pixels on your PNN: Personal
News Network.
Lets take a look at how awareness pixels form the basis of songs:

SONG 33 CK519J . [LYRIX]

I WAS TAPPING ON THE DASH - fact
LOST IN THE GROOVE - fantasy
I SAW THE CUTIE IN THE CAR NEXT TO ME - fact
OH WOW (shes gorgeous!) - fantasy
AND SHE WAS BOPPING ALONG TO THE SAME SONG - fact
I THOUGHT, HMM COME A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO ME - fantasy
LET ME TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT YOU - fantasy
BUT THEN THE LIGHTS TURNED GREEN AS I GOT HER REGISTRATION - fact

CK519J IS ALL I KNOW ABOUT THE GIRL WHO GOT AWAY - fact & fantasy =
factasy

22. Misinterpreation - Creativity by Denial & Error

22. Misinterpreation
Creativity by Denial & Error

By missing the point entirely, you often end up discovering way more interesting
places than the intended message i.e. a new message is found in translation.

REVEALED: The creative & destructive effects of misinterpreation and the 12 factors
causing it.

The thoughtmosphere works just like the virtual world of hyperlinks youre always
only one letter or sound away from a foreign destination that could be way more
exciting than the intended one. By allowing yourself to roll with the accident, youre
likely to discover gapcidents like factasy, spontenudity, hysterical accuracy and various
other comical reactions.

This is the upside of being a little bit stupid and a bad listener you never have to try
to screw things up it happens automatically. Especially if you, like me, have punlexia
an auditory processing disorder, where your brain searches for every possible
alternative meaning to the intended one.

So how do you cure it? You dont. Just like many other anxieties, neuroses, phobias,
dysfunctions and disorders, there are no cures, and even if there were, you wouldnt
want them, because this is what makes you uniquely creative and fascinating.

When it comes to playing with words, youre a phonetic, so follow the songs and
sounds wherever they take you. When your punlexia impairs your ability to focus,
then follow the spontenudity. By discovering new words, youre also discovering new
destinations in our thoughtmosphere, which can then be turned into:

Books: The same title is also a book by Susanna Blake Goodman
Products: The Posh Up Bra coined by the Sun Newspaper [produx]
Newspapers: Vujade News news ahead of its time [produx]
Products: Jillette because you like it shaved and wet (What? Its a new waterproof
razor produx)
Pop Bands: The Showeroke Girls now auditioning at www.logicalstupidity.com
[produx]

This is a permanent fatal error. May the grim rapper take you on a wild inventure to
find your ERRORGENIUS ZONE.

23. Revealed: The 3 Types of DISILLUSION

23. Revealed: The 3 Types of
DISILLUSION
1) Type 1: Hopelessly deluded D 'n' A (Dreams 'n' Aspirations).
2) Type 2: D 'n' A crushed by reality or put on hold because of job perks you cant
ignore.
3) Type 3: D 'n' A achieved, but its a big anticlimax so now what?

You need R&D therapy to UNLEASH YOUR POW: The Power Of Whatever
Lets have a look at Type 1:

O SPARX 186: JUST HOW DELUDED ARE YOU?

You want to win the lottery, but youre not even buying tickets.
You want to be a supermodel, but you look like this: [pix]
You want to be a singer, but you cant sing.

So what happens? You now have FOBAN: Fear Of Being A Nobody.
Now use it! Whats going on with you?
SONG 34 DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE POPULAR . [LYRIX]
I AM DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE POPULAR
IF ITS OBVIOUS IM SORRY
BUT I REALLY HAVE TO HURRY
TO THE POP TOP 40 GO ROUND
I GOTTA BE ON THE TOP POP 40 GO ROUND

DONT YOU THINK WE LOOK RIDICULOUS DOING WHAT WE DO?
OH BUT WERE SERIOUS ABOUT REVENUE, REVENUE

Type 2: D 'n' A crushed by reality or put on hold because of job perks you
cant ignore

This is where I take a few pages to talk about my job as a sound and light technician
working for Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines:

Youre getting paid to do a job you love doing, youve got your own cabin serviced
daily, youre cruising the Caribbean, youre mixing with showbiz people, lunches at
Carlos n Charlies, free shooters from the tequila girls, bike riding, catamaran
snorkelling, BBQs on private islands, tennis with a different pro on each island every
day and topping it all off with the midnight buffet on the pool deck followed by
dancing to the Caribbean band. This had to be the life!

Or was it? Why did I have this permanent feeling that I should be doing something
else with my life? Why did the fun have to end?

This is type 2 disillusion: youve got higher aspirations than your current job, but
youre trapped by the reality of bills to pay or incredible job perks or both, and it all
means that your big dreams get put on hold. Two ways to deal with it:



1) GET OUT! Break out of your comfort zone and follow the bigger dream. Done
that.
2) Turn the situation into a movie by describing events and your feelings at the time.
Would like to do that:

Dilog wMoviePitch The Head Set the show behind the show

Its called The Head Set because thats what we were the
sound, light and video techs running the shows by talking on
headsets.
Since the shows all ran like clockwork, mostly, wed talk about
all kinds of other things besides sound, light, sets and video
cues, and its from this angle that all the backstage antics of
showbiz life at sea are revealed:

Comms would stand for running commentary and wed comment on
everyone in the audience and on stage cruise directors,
magicians & jugglers, comedians, diva singers throwing the
biggest tantrums backstage, dancers getting seasick, the
musical director losing it with the drummer for losing the
click track, the singers losing it with the horn section for
blowing too loudly on stage, all of us horndogs perving at the
dancers, the follow-spot guy getting pissed off because hey!
thats my girlfriend youre talking about - it was all
happening on the headset techie network! And we havent even
started on the Whos Doing What To Who, which is where that
song comes from.
All is about to be revealed!

O SPARX 187: WHERE DID YOUR DREAMS GO? WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
SONG 35 DAY BY DAY . [LYRIX]
IM AN EXTRA IN A MOST CONFUSING BORING B MOVIE
IS THERE ANOTHER PART I COULD PLAY?
HAVE A FEW MORE LINES TO SAY
COULD YOU MAYBE CHANGE THE SCENERY?
COULD YOU GIVE ME A SHOT AT THE LEAD?
I COULD PLAY THAT PART I SWEAR
IF YOUD ONLY LET ME OUTA HERE

Perhaps you really wanted to be an architect, but you settled for interior designer, or
selling door handles in B&Q. Maybe you wanted to be a breakfast DJ, but you had to
settle for the guy who gives the traffic reports. Maybe you wanted to be a rock star,
but you had to settle for music publisher, music lawyer or sound engineer. What was
supposed to happen BUT didnt?



SONG 36 SONGS THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO . [LYRIX]

I'M STILL SINGING MY SONGS THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO
I'VE BEEN ON LARRY KING LIVE IN MY HOLLYWOOD MIND
I'VE BEEN INTERVIEWED BY OPRAH IN THE SHOWER
BUT HERE I AM STILL SINGING SONGS THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO
YEAH HERE I AM IM STILL SINGING MY SONGS
THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO
THERE WAS GONNA BE THE BIG ONE
TO TAKE ME TO THE MONEY
OH BUT THIS ONE YOU HAVE TO DO FOR FREE
SO I DID
BUT IT DIDN'T
SO HERE'S TO ALL THE GIGS I DID NOT GET
HERE'S TO EVERYTHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN
AND THE FASCINATING PEOPLE I NEVER MET
HERE'S TO MISSED OPPORTUNITY
I WAS GONNA MAKE I WAS GONNA DO I WAS GONNA BE
I WAS GONNA TRY I WAS GONNA BUY I WAS GONNA SEE
THE WORLD WAS MINE
SO HERES TO ALL OF MY SONGS
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM
THESE ARE MY SONGS
THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED TO



And while waiting for your songs to become hits, you ended up at the Holiday Inn bar.

SONG 37 (repeat of 12) HAPPY HOUR IN THE HOLIDAY INN . [LYRIX]

Type 3: The Treadmill of D 'n' A

D 'n' A achieved, but its a big anti-climax so now what?

BUT I STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR U2

Why not? Are you sure the dreams you were chasing were yours?

SONG 38 HOMES DOGS BABIES . [LYRIX]

HOMES DOGS BABIES AND SECOND WIVES
HOMES DOGS BABIES AND FOUR WHEEL DRIVES

WELCOME TO THE WORLD, DO YOU LIKE THE STORY SO FAR?
DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR CALLING COULD BE? I DIDNT THINK SO
TRY BUY SEE DO
MAYBE HAPPILY EVER AFTER TOO
BETTER GET A JOB TO GO WITH THAT DEGREE
ARE YOU STILL RUNNING ON THAT STORY?

WELL COULD THERE BE ANY WONDER THAT IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE
WHEN ITS ALL BEEN CHOSEN FOR YOU

FUNNY HOW IT SEEMS THAT EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVED IN
ISNT TRUE ANYMORE
NOT EVEN YOUR RESUME WILL DO ANYMORE
DOES YOUR RELIGION DO ANYMORE?

WELL COULD THERE BE ANY WONDER THAT IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE
WHEN ITS ALL BEEN CHOSEN FOR YOU

ITS ALL A LITTLE HAZY WHEN ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING
HOMES DOGS BABIES AND SECOND WIVES
HOMES DOGS BABIES AND FOUR WHEEL DRIVES



So whats the solution?

O SPARX 191: WHAT ARE YOU CHASING AND WHY?

SONG 39 THE BUZZ OF THE BUSINESS . [LYRIX]

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GET A CUP O' COFFEE JUST TO GET THEM GOING
NOT THIS LOONY
I NEED MY DAILY FIX OF COMEDY AND HOPEFULLY ILL BE OKAY
I GET HIGH ON MONDAY MADNESS
I GET OFF ON THE FRIDAY FREAK OUT
THE MONEY THE YACHT THE JET THE CAR
IT ALL MEANS NOTHING
THE BUZZ OF THE BUSINESS IS WHAT GETS ME GOING
SO JOIN ME ON THE TREADMILL
ITS FUN TO BE A RAT
ITS NOT ALL ABOUT THE MONEY
BUT THATS WHERE THE PARTYS AT

WHEN YOUR LIFE BECOMES A COMEDY
MY OWN SITUATION COMEDY
AND I AM THE STAR OF THE SHOW

TIME TICKING AWAY PUTTING A DEADLINE ON ME EVERYDAY
BUT I DONT GET TOO CAUGHT UP IN IT ALL
IM ALWAYS TAKING THE PISS SERIOUSLY WEIRD
IM A FREAKSHOW
ITS ALWAYS THE FUNNY SIDE I SEE WHEN THEN THERE ARE
TOO MANY CONTRADICTIONS, AMBIGUITIES
IM NOT ALL THERE BEYOND REPAIR BUT I DONT CARE
MY FRUSTRATIONS HAVE GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE
SO IT HAS TO BE FUNNY
WHAT ELSE CAN IT BE?
MY QUICK FIX THERAPY

24. How To Get Your Whacky Back


Or how to find your STUBID: Special Talent from a Unique Blessing In Disguise

STUBIDs are evident at an early age, but usually get diagnosed as antisocial
behaviour and snuffed out by Ritalin before theyve had a chance to be discovered
and unleashed. This is a great pity because all kinds of lucrative careers are being
snuffed out before theyve had a chance to get going e.g. a pathological liar, with a
little nurturing, could make a brilliant lawyer. Kids who play with guns and fail their
music exams could be rappers. Destructive kids who break other kids' toys and then
give out advice on how to fix them, could be management consultants. Those who
love the sound of their own voice but dont have much to say, could be radio DJs.
Hopelessly deluded kids could have been speech writers for Blair, or if the delusion
was more serious, for Bush.

So where did your nutcase go, and how can we get it back? This is what R&D therapy
is concerned with: whats your basic malfunction, and how can you use it? How is that
only kids and old people can say whatever they like? Well now you can too!
Were going to examine 5 methods to get your whacky back:

1) Sing a whacky song.

SONG 40 SANITY SUCKS . [LYRIX]

SANITY SUCKS, BELIEVE ME
ID RATHER BE CRAZY
SANITY SUCKS
ID RATHER BE
CUCKOO POTTY BATTY DOTTY
BARMY LOOPY GUGGA FLIPPY
DILLY MOGGY WHACKY BAZARO

2) Regression.
3) Trial & Error.
4) Soul Searching.

SONG 41 SEARCH YOUR SOUL . [LYRIX]
WHAT WILL YOU FIND?
YOURE OUT OF CONTROL
BEYOND YOUR MIND
GO AHEAD LOOT BACK TO FIND THE PATTERN
BUT YOURE MOVING
IN UNPREDICTABLE RNDOM FASHION



5) Meditation.

SONG 42 TRUST ME . [LYRIX]

FORGET ABOUT MEDITATION
THAT SELF-EXAMINATION IS A LIE
WHAT IS TRUE? THERE IS NO YOU
YOURE NO CLOSER TO SOLUTION
JUST THAT FINAL DESTINATION WHEN YOU DIE

ITS NOT MY PLACE TO GIVE ADVICE BUT ITS THERE IF YOU LIKE IT
FEED OFF THE CHAOS, EMBRACE IT DONT FIGHT IT
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING INSIDE YOU
AND ALL OF THEM ARE TO BLAME
ITS PATHOLOGICAL, THE REASON FOR THE WAY THAT YOU ARE

SOMEWHAT CONTRADICTORY
BUT LEAVE ME AS A MYSTERY
OR THE MAGIC DISAPPEARS AS YOU BREAK ME DOWN
SO DONT DO IT
TRUST ME
AND WHAT IM WEARING ON THE DAY
YOU CAN TRUST ME
FOR YOU CAN SEE WHAT I BELIEVE
TRANSPARENCY
LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE INSIDE OF ME
TRUST ME FOR ALL OF WHO WE ARE

25. Creative Anxieties & Disorders


O SPARX 193: USE YOUR PHOBIAS THRIVE ON THE FEARFACTOR

You do not need any kind of therapy to cure you of phobias. Phobias are designed to
keep you alive.

Theres a reason youre scared of snakes, spiders and stingrays its related to your
fear of dying. This is why fear exists to keep you alive and sane. This explains why
I have Theraphobia fear of therapy of any sort whether that comes in the form of
private sessions or self-help seminars. Im terrified of spending 1856 on anything
that promises to cure my fears. And this is not a fear I wish to confront, because that
fear will keep me happily cynical and 1856 richer, just by doing nothing. Without a
fear factor of some sort you would have nothing to thrive on.

Fears tell you everything you need to know, like what job you should be doing which
you can figure out by process of elimination: if youre scared of flying, you probably
shouldnt be a pilot. If youre afraid of water, life saving is out. You wouldnt choose
to go into motivational speaking if you were scared of public speaking or falling in love
with yourself. And youd probably want to stay out of politics if you were scared of
coming across as delusional.

This is how your phobias send you clear messages as to what you should be doing.

My fascination with fear comes from the creative perspective: all fears, anxieties and
phobias can and should be used to work for you, not against. How do you use them?
Describe your symptoms and how you wish things could be better. You dont even
have to go as far as the part where you overcame. Yes, its embarrassing to reveal all
your deepest darkest fears, but this is what audiences relate to the most. If you dont
believe me, then study the lyrics of hit songs, or Oprahs Book Club reading material.
So, with this in mind here are a few of my anxieties set to music:

1) Critophobia How do you use it? Describe the symptoms:

SONG 43 . [LYRIX]

THIS IS ALL CRAP, THIS IS ALL CRAP
I CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT
IF I WASNT SO EASILY DISTRACTED
IF I WASNT SO LAZILY PROCRASTINATED



2) PCO: Previous Culture Overdose

Extreme sensitivity to any type of old culture thats been blatantly regurgitated as new
culture. Just the thought of being dragged along to see any revival or back catalogue
musical drives you

3) MADD: Musical Attention Deficit Disorder

How to use it: become the enemy, then kill it off.

SONG 44 LET THEM DIE . [LYRIX]

4) Belief Intolerance

You accept nothing that anyone tells you.

It starts off not believing completely unbiased news reports, self-help gurus and
politicians, and can eventually end up with not believing scientifically proven things
like those washing powder commercials with microscopic diagrams showing you
exactly how the dirt is removed. If not treated it can develop into:

Acute Belief Intolerance: You dont allow any media into your life at all, believing
that everything is a massive globalisation conspiracy for large corporations to
manipulate your mind and take over the world.

How to use it: become the enemy.
Imagine youve just been made CEO of Fizer Macdonalds & Turner and youre facing
the press. What do you have to say?

SONG 45 ONE BIG RADIO STATION . [LYRIX]

YOU DONT OWN YOUR OPINION
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK
WEVE TAKEN CONTROL OF YOUR MIND
ALL YOUR SENSES ARE OURS NOW



5) Blockphobia Fear of writers block

O SPARX 3: DESCRIBE THE SYMPTOMS OF THE PROBLEM THEN WISH
IT AWAY

SONG 4 WAKE ME SHOCK ME SHAKE ME OUT OF MY STUPID ZONE
. [LYRIX]

6) Overactive Imagination

7) LOITGAN: Lots Of Ideas That Go Absolutely Nowhere

8) MUSAFID: Making Up Stupid Acronyms For Invented Disorder
can lead to you getting

9) ANOID: Absolutely Nowhere from Overactive Imagination Disorder

10) FOBAN: Fear Of Being A Nobody (new disorder)

Describe the symptoms:

Repeat SONG 34 . [LYRIX]

I AM DESPERATELY TRYING TO BE POPULAR
IF ITS OBVIOUS IM SORRY
BUT I REALLY HAVE TO HURRY
TO THE POP TOP 40 GO ROUND
I GOTTA BE ON THE TOP POP 40 GO ROUND

Repeat SONG 13 TWO SONGS . [LYRIX]

And let's not forget FFAF Disorder: Famous For Absolutely Flufall.
The opposite of FOBAN, FFAF Disorder is experienced by those whove become famous
for reasons unrelated to inherent talent. Since the fame is based entirely on external
approval, sufferers constantly seek attention, usually making complete twats of
themselves in public for our entertainment pleasure.

26. Critics - How To Use Them Constructively

26. Critics How To Use Them
Constructively

The creative power of negative inspiration from rejection

For every criticism theres an equal and opposite reaction
Tracy Emin often has rocks thrown through the window of her art studio. What does
she do about it? She uses them to build more artworks, which is the objective of this
chapter: to help you identify the signs that you suck, in order of obviousness

1) Physical
2) Verbal
3) Rejection letters
4) Reviews

Then were going to use all the rocks thrown at you as inspiration for more products
and songs. Using various devices were going to arrive at:

SONG 46 PAID TO BE OUTRAGEOUS . [LYRIX]

YOU DONT LIKE MY MUSIC BUT THE DRINKS ARE FREE
THATS THE ONLY REASON YOURE HERE
WITH YOUR POISON IN THE PEN
YOURE A DICTAPHONE RAT
YOU DONT LIKE MY MUSIC BUT IM OKAY WITH THAT
BECAUSE YOU GET PAID TO BE OUTRAGEOUS
SO THATS WHAT YOUVE GOT TO TRY TO BE
AND I GET LAID BECAUSE IM FAMOUS
SO THATS WHAT IVE GOT TO TRY TO BE
SO GO AHEAD TAKE ME IN CHEW ME UP SPIT ME OUT
ITS SO MUCH FUN TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

SONG 47 FLUFF YOU ALL . [LYRIX]

SONG 48 JUST BE YOU AND ILL BE ME . [LYRIX]



SONG 49 WE DONT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE . [LYRIX]

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SONG?
WHY THE WHOLE PRODUCTION?
IT SOUNDED SO MUCH BETTER IN MY BEDROOM

MY SOUL IS NOT FOR SALE
AND THATS HOW YOU KNOW THAT IM REAL
YOU CAN TELL BY THE FACT THAT ILL NEVER SELL OUT

HE PUT THE ENVELOPE IN MY HAND
HE SAID THATS FOR YOU AND THE BAND
IT WAS GREEN IT WAS MINE
I SAID WHERE DO I SIGN
TO JOIN YOU ON THE TOP 40

I REALLY LOVE WHAT YOU DID TO MY SONG
WHAT AN AMAZING PRODUCTION
IT WAS GREEN IT WAS MINE
I SAID WHERE DO I SIGN
TO JOIN YOU ON THE TOP 40 MONEY-GO-ROUND

YOU KNOW ITS A RUSE, SO MANY LIES
AND THEN YOU BECOME THE VERY THING THAT YOU DESPISE


Big-time sucking is an honour awarded to you by others. Its not something you can
decide on your own, mostly because youre always too far up your own ass to be able
to tell. The digital revolution is partly responsible for this:

Affordable technology made you think youre a musician, moviemaker or graphic
artist.

Working in isolation you may feel like youre connecting to people but ultimately
youre an isolated screen starer your only form of human contact coming from virtual
hugs and pokes.



The preoccupation with your own thoughts, combined with a certain frequency of your
computer fan, made you start hallucinating that youre better than the combined
creative output of U2, Steven Spielberg, Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and that, just
because it took you a year to get your masterpiece on myspace, the whole world
would be interested in whatever you had to say.
Not necessarily:

PiX/photo: Innovation101 has 0 friends
(This is a pic taken of my myspace friends section)

You soon found out that youre very much alone and you suck.
And in case you still havent found this out, this chapter goes through all the signs that
you suck and how to use them as inspiration.
It also goes through:

7 important reasons for sucking:

1. Retaliation energy for building more artworks.
2. Youre part of the wheel of progress youre the one pushing the envelope.
3. Comparative function how would anyone know what was good if you didnt
suck?
4. At least people know about you! That means theyre aware of your existence
way better than nobody knowing about you at all!
5. First draft is out the way.
6. Total creative freedom.
7. The challenge anyone can make it with natural talent, but can you make it
without?
This requires a skill set that no university or music school can offer:

Producers have to be slept with or framed.
Wardrobe malfunctions have to be choreographed.
Marriages, tans and intelligence all have to be faked.
Offspring or adopted babies have to be given twatish names.
Rumours and porn videos have to fabricated and spread on the Internet.
Pictures of you getting your toes licked on private yachts need to be
published.
Egos have to be stroked, sometimes licked.
Journalists have to be lunched.
Audiences need to be told what to think.
Visits to rehab have to be co-ordinated around gig schedules.
Top ten lists have to be created and sent to the press. Tyres need to be
slashed if not printed. Seriously. Ive spoken.

27. Using Relationships as a Source of Inspiration

27. Using Relationships as a Source
of Inspiration

How to think inside the paradox of love in order to use your partner as a
catalyst for songs, movies, articles & products

Step 1: Ask questions that result in nothing answers:

Whats up?
Whats going on?
Whats wrong, honey?
Whats the matter?
What can I say to make it better?
What do you mean by that?

Step 2: Ask questions that have everything answers:

Whats it going to take to make you happy?

Step 3: Insist on specific examples and actually listen this time. Dont try to think of
anything to say; you need to focus all your attention on just listening, which will take
every bit of concentration you have. If you have trouble listening, or remembering the
exact lines she uses, then use a Dictaphone, but dont get caught.

Step 4: At another time and place (so that youre calmer and can think rationally)
examine all requests and complaints, taking particular note of the knowledge vacuum
between both extremes. You will now find yourself in the interpreation zone, the
Centre Of Confusion inside a Unique Problem (the COC-UP), deep inside the paradox,
(which is why its called the meshugganah middle).

This is where you find pure inspiration as you begin to piece all the nonsense together
e.g. how come shes instantly reminded of everything she needs to tell me only
when I turn on the TV?
How is it that she can handle the bikini wax, the boob job, nose job, tummy tuck,
colonic irrigation, botox, pierced tongue, nipples & clit and yet shes not prepared to
take it up the ass because it hurts?

Whats up with that? Ill tell you: OOPS Observation Of Pure Stupidity, or the Origin
Of Planets & Stars.

I have no idea who started circulating that text but I do know that it comes from the
very centre of the paradox, the source of all life, the catalyst of all creation that
which makes Absolutely No Sense Whatso Ev R The ANSWER to everything!

Theres no need for intergalactic space travel to solve the mysteries of the universe
when you can find the same mysteries deep inside the meshugganah middle. All you
have to do is ask the right questions and set your answers to dialogue and music.
Which is what were going to do with various stages of the relationship


General flirting:
SONG 59 WHOS DOING WHAT TO WHO . [LYRIX]
Internet flirting His perspective:
SONG 16 JACKIES JUST A JPEG . [LYRIX]
Both perspectives:
SONG 17 DOWNLOADING OUR LIVES AWAY . [LYRIX]
1
st
Date leads to regular dating and eventually moving in. Man gets a little too
comfortable too quickly and the honeymoon is over Her perspective:
SONG 8 HES ONLY A MAN . [LYRIX]
Man left with serious doubts about his choice:
SONG 50 WHAT WAS I THINKING? . [LYRIX]
Since this is the 5
th
time this has happened, shes concerned about her ability to attract
men:
SONG 51 CHOOSING MEN WHO NEVER LOVE ME . [LYRIX]
Man left thinking he should have stuck with his first love:
SONG 52 MAYBE YOU WERE RIGHT/ SONG 53 NOW THAT IM BACK [LYRIX]
Man experiences 3-month itch and is desperate for a change of scenery. .
Added to that, theres a pregnancy scare:
SONG 54 TOODALOO . [LYRIX]
SHES NOT FEELING WELL IN THE MORNING
I SAW HER SEARCHING FOR A CALENDAR
COULD THIS MEAN, ILL BE SEEING
A LOT MORE OF THIS GIRL THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD
OH DEAR, WHAT DO I DO NOW?
SHES LOVELY BUT NOT REALLY MY CUP O TEA
I COULD SURELY DO BETTER, SO COULD SHE
I THINK ITS TIME TO TELL HER THAT SHES ONLY TEMPORARY
TOODALOO SO LONG GIRL
I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU SO I WROTE IT IN A SONG
AND THIS IS IT, I QUIT
IM OUTA HERE
ITS NOT YOU ITS ME
I NEED A CHANGE OF SCENERY
DONT YOU FOLLOW ME AROUND LIKE A PUPPY DOG
DONT YOU FOLLOW ME AROUND AT ALL
LIKE A POODLE ON A STRING
YOURE A PRETTY LITTLE THING
BUT BABY YOU DRIVE ME UP THE WALL
WITH YOUR TAKE ME SHOW ME BUY ME DO ME
TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME EVERYDAY
WELL I DONT HAVE TO ANYMORE
WERE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST FINE DEAR
NOW THAT YOU WONT BE GETTING IN MY WAY
TOODALOO
OUR LOVE DIDNT FLY OUT THE WINDOW
IT WASNT THERE TO BEGIN WITH
BUT IM SO GLAD THAT I MET YOU
BECAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT IM NOT LOOKING FOR
TOODALOO



So whos to blame? Both parties! Solution: Innovation in romance
heres how to keep it fresh:

SONG 55 LUNI LOVE . [LYRIX]

YOU GOT ME CUCKOO POTTY BATTY DOTTY
BARMY LOOPY GUGGA FLIPPY
DILLY MOGGY WHACKY BAZARRO

ITS THE WAY YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR
THE MESSAGE YOU LEAVE ME IN MY UNDERWEAR
ITS THE WAY YOU WAKE ME UP
AND I DONT MEAN WITH COFFEE
ITS THE LITTLE THINGS YOU DO THAT TELL ME

WE GOT A LUNI LOVE, THATS WHAT WE GOT
WE GOT CARTOONY LOVE, BABY YOU CRACK ME UP

AND WHEN IM DOWN YOULL BE THE CLOWN
I NEED TO HAVE AROUND
WHEREVER WE GO ITS A TRIP TO THE ZOO
IM LIVING IN A HELIUM BALLOON
THATS GETTING ME HIGH
ON WEIRD WHACKY WONDERFUL YOU


YOU GOT ME GIGGLING AWAY
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
JUST THINKING BOUT WHAT YOU DID THE NIGHT BEFORE
YOURE SO TRIPPY YOURE SO FLIPPY
YOURE SO WAY BEYOND REPAIR
YOUR ELEVATOR DONT GO TO THE TOP FLOOR


FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY WILL KEEP US YOUNG FOREVER
FUNNY WILL BE THERE TO SAVE THE DAY
FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY YOU DONT HAVE TO TRY TO BE BABY
YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR MESHUGGANAH CABARET

28. Tapping Into The Collective Trashcan

28. Tapping Into The
Collective Trashcan

Proactive shmoactive you cant just do it and there are plenty of reasons why you
cant.

Tap into these reasons and youre inside the collective trashcan of rubbish that unites
us all. For example, office gossip, junk mail and everything making you wait.
Whatever it is, its also making everybody else wait, so describe the symptoms of your
pain and youre

SONG 56 WAITING . [LYRIX]

WAITING FOR THE BUS TO COME
OR THE PLANE TO GO
WAITING FOR THE FISH TO BITE
OR THE SNOW TO SNOW
WAITING FOR A YES OR A NO
OR THE PHONE TO RING
WAITING TO HEAR WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY
WAITING FOR MY SPECIAL SOMEONE
TO JUST POP INTO MY LIFE
IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE ITS GONNA HAPPEN THAT WAY

WAITING FOR MY LIFE TO BEGIN X 3

AND THE NIGHTS TURN INTO DAYS
BACK INTO NIGHTS, JUST ANOTHER PHASE OF MY LIFE
JUST WENT BY IN A FLASH
WHAT WAS THAT? THAT WAS YOUR LIFE, YOURE HALFWAY THERE
ITS DOWNHILL ALL THE WAY TO YOUR ROCKING CHAIR
WHAT WAS THAT?

29. Finding The Niche Within Your Niche

29. Finding The Niche
Within Your Niche

You know what youre good at, and you know what makes you money. You dont
need to think outside any boxes if you merge all the boxes you love, to create a new
box just for you.

This is about finding your USP (Unique Sales Point) as well as your UFP: Unique
Failure Point, and then blowing them way out of proportion:

There are issues in defining what you do youre going to use all them:

1) The Label Paradox:

How do you stick a label on what you do when you do so many things?

2) The Paradox of Customer Satisfaction:

They only like what they know, yet theyre drawn to whats new and different.

3) The Paradox of Nonconformity:

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE I WANNA BE DIFFERENT
BUT EVERYBODY ELSE JUST WANTS TO BE LIKE ME

We all think were all different, but were not:

Sony Like no other
Nationwide Proud to be different
Virgin We turn radio on its head



But no matter how different you think you are, theres always some kind of label that
covers what you do.

Except for me theres no label for what I do:

SONG 57 YOU WANT A LABEL FOR MY SHOW . [LYRIX]

SO THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR
SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
BUT A LABEL IS TOO EASY
AND IT STOPS YOU LISTENING TO ME
ITS ABSURD TO USE A WORD FOR WHAT I DO

I AM GENRE DEFYING I'M NOT PART OF ANY SCENE
I SEE NO REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T PLAY THEM ALL
SO PLEASE DON'T PUT ME THROUGH
YOUR PIGEONHOLE VENDING MACHINE
WHEN THE ONLY THING I AM IS COMPLETELY OFF THE WALL

MAYBE ITS POETRY MAYBE ITS PROSE
MAYBE ITS SOME KIND OF MUSIC NOBODY KNOWS
BUT I WILL NOT BE TAKEN PRISONER
BY THE LABEL THAT YOU GIVE MY CONFUSING MIX OF FUSION CABARET

IS IT FUNKY HOUSE HIP HOPRA?
AFRICAN ZULU BHANGRA?
IS IT RAP OR RAVE OR HEAVY METAL REGGAE?
WELL TOMORROW I'M MOVING ON WITH A WHOLE NEW THING
I'M DOING TECHNO TRANCE COUNTRY OVER BIG BAND SWING

BUT YOU WANT A LABEL FOR MY SHOW



So whats the solution to the label dilemma?

MAKE IT THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT

How?

1. Find your USP.
2. Exaggerate it way out of proportion.
3. Remove one ingredient.
4. Find your UFP: Unique Failure Point then use it.
5. Have it all! Combine everything you love, to create a uniche in the

Meshugganah middle
Too narrow

Too broad
Heres a song for all black
Republican lesbian vegetarian
pot smokers out therelemme
see who you are
All the party people in the
house, let me hear you
say: yeah.

Find the meshugganah middle zone:

Heres one for all the lesbian party people in the house

You can find the meshugganah middle by combining the boxes you love, to create a
new box just for you e.g. if you love pop, rock, reggae and jazz, you dont need to
choose. Heres how you can have it all!

SONG 58 MONEY GO ROUND THE POP MACHINE . [LYRIX]

30. Schmoozing: The Proactive Approach to Getting Lucky

30. Schmoozing: The Proactive
Approach to Getting Lucky
or the art of flirting for information
(whichever tagline works best for you)

No matter how amazing your product is, at some point youre going to have to get
connected to the people who can make it happen for you. This is why you need a
crash course in Schmoozing 1a, where well examine the fine lines between:

Having chutzpah, and being a dickhead
Bumlicking, and brown-nosing
Flirting for business, and flirting for romance.

Were also going to examine the two essential types of schmoozing:

1) Impulse Schmoozing:
Used on people who you feel need to be met based on your gut instinct.

2) Target Schmoozing:
For when you know who the right people are to meet and where to meet them.
Method: The STALK & POUNCE and the 3 essential poses you need to learn.

O SPARX 214: USE THE SITUATION, NOT A CHAT-UP LINE

Case studies:
1) At the gym.
2) In the supermarket standing in the Q of Indecision.
3) In the supermarket standing in line at the checkout.
4) In the department store perfume section.
5) Waiting at the carwash.
6) Random street encounter.

HEY THATS A PRETTY LIL PUPPY YOU GOT THERE LADY
WANNA GET A CUP O COFFEE?
NO? OKAY, AT LEAST I SAW YOU SMILING

WHEN YOUR EYES MEET ON A BUSY STREET
OR WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR
TALK TO THE GIRL COS YOU NEVER KNOW
IF THIS IS YOUR MOMENT IN TIME TO MEET

FLIRTING FOR INFORMATION
If you want to know how you fit into any organization, youre going to have to
understand the complex network of relationships going on above you and below you.
So forget your resume; its not what you know, its not even who. Its knowing whos
doing what to who


O SPARX 213: FIND OUT WHOS DOING WHAT TO WHO

SONG 59 WHOS DOING WHAT TO WHO . [LYRIX]
THERES ALWAYS A REASON WHY THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE AROUND HERE
AND IF YOU LISTEN TO THE STORIES AT THE BAR
YOULL GET THE PICTURE PRETTY QUICKLY
IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHY SHE GOT THE JOB INSTEAD OF YOU
IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THINGS HAPPEN THE WAY THEY DO, FIND OUT
WHOS DOING WHAT TO WHO

NOW ISNT THAT CHERYL OVER THERE ALL OVER PETER
AND SHES ONLY ON HER SECOND MARGARITA
SHES THINKING WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME

OH HONEY FOR A START YOU COULD BE A BOY
THIS LADY REALLY DOESNT HAVE MUCH CLUE AS TO

MEET MISS LUCY, SECRETARY
GOSSIP QUEEN AND SO SHE SHOULD BE
COS SHES GOT THE DISH IN THE ZOO
SHES OUR FRIEND COS WE ALL WANNA KNOW

JACKIE, BAGGAGE, DIVORCEE
SHES IN FOR A FLING VERY SEXY
SHES ALSO GETTING DRUNK AND JEALOUS IN THE CORNER
I SEE HER DEEP IN CONVERSATION WITH MY LAWYER
MY LOVELY EX WIFE
TRYING TO CONTROL MY SEX LIFE
SHES GOT TO MAKE IT HER BUSINESS TO KNOW

FLYING TO THE MEETING
ON THE PLANE YOU MEET SUE SHE SAYS
CALL ME HERES MY NUMBER LOVE TO SEE YA
SO WHAT DO YOU DO? IS THIS CONFUSING?
WHEN YOURE SO HAPPILY MARRIED AND SO IS SUSAN
DONT YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT
WHO MIGHT BE DOING WHAT TO WHO

HOP ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND
THERES SO MUCH LOVE FOR EVERYBODY
EENI MEENI MINIE MOE
GRAB SOMEBODY THERE YOU GO THERE YOU GO THERE YOU GO
YOUVE GOT TO LOVE IT WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU


Summary of Schmoozing:

SONG 60 SCHMOOZING . [LYRIX]
PARTY OF THE YEAR, A DAZZLING AFFAIR
ANYONE WHOS ANYONE WILL BE THERE
SO YOU DIDNT MAKE THE LIST
DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO MISS
OUT ON ANYTHING
SO HERES WHAT YOU DO
PUT ON YOUR POSING FACE
LOOK LIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE
LOOK THE DOORMAN IN THE EYE AND SAY HELLO
THE MAITRE DE WILL UNDERSTAND
WHEN YOU SAY YOURE WITH THE BAND
WHATEVER, WHO WILL EVER KNOW?

ONCE YOURE IN YOURE IN
NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE
HEY YOU'RE MISTER COOL
SCHMOOZING BY THE BALDERDASH BOOGALOO
HEY YOURE MISTER COOL
SCHMOOZING BY THE BAR
WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?
30 (20, 10) SECONDS AND IM MOVING ON SPEAK X 3

ITS NOT WHAT YOU ARE THAT HOLDS YOU BACK
BUT RATHER WHAT YOU THINK YOU HAVENT GOT
KEEP THAT IN MIND, ITS AMAZING WHEN YOU FIND
YOU CAN LOOK THE PART EVEN IF YOURE NOT
BUT BE YOURSELF
AND IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS
THEN BE SOMEBODY FASCINATING
WHAT YOU SAY AND WHAT YOU KNOW DONT HAVE TO BE RELATED
WHEN YOU JOIN THE CONVERSATION
YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOURE SAYING BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DO
AT THE HEY-LOOK-AT-ME-ITS-A-PARTY
JOIN THE WAM-BAM-BAFFALO-JAM TELL-THEM-WHATS-A-HAPPENANG
BALDERDASH BOOGALOO

HEY YOURE MISTER COOL
SCHMOOZING
WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?
30 (20, 10) SECONDS AND IM MOVING ON SPEAK X 3

31. Hysterical Accuracy - The Art of Making Stuff Up

31. Hysterical Accuracy
The Art of Making Stuff Up

OR existential innovation - if it doesnt exist, make it
Now rich in book, movie & product ideas

How others have made a fortune from PIFYAFFING:
Pulling Ideas From Your Asspirations For FINancial Gain.

And how you can do the same.

32. CapitaLIES - On All Of Them

32. CapitaLIES On All Of Them
DYSFUNCTIONAL NIGHTMARES = FINANCIAL DREAMS

Youve been criticised and analysed, so all thats left is to CAPITALISE, by going ahead
and making the meshugganah movies of your mind. Change your mind as often as
you like, just voice your confusion along the way, because its all going to change by
tomorrow, thats why

SONG 62 THEME SONG . [LYRIX]

IM GIVING YOU A THEME SONG TO FOLLOW
UNCERTAINTY IS ALL THAT WE KNOW
I HAVENT GOT A CLUE WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU
THERES NO REASON FOR MY SONG
COS AT THE END OF THE DAY
THERE ISN'T AN END OF THE DAY
(YOUVE GOT TO COME TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSION)

BUT THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING TO SING
AT THE END OF A SHOW
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU'RE WONDERING?
SO HERE IT IS
YOUR THEME SONG TO FOLLOW:

GIVING YOU A THEME SONG TO FOLLOW
IM JUST KIDDING WITH YOU
THIS IS THE SONG TO TAP YOUR TOE TO
THIS IS THE SONG WERE SINGING:

IT'S A HIT OR A FLOP
OR IT'S OVER THE TOP
OR IT SUCKS AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHY
IS IT HIP IS IT HOT?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT
UNTIL YOU THROW IT UP AND WATCH IT FLY

Bibliography, Inspiration & Acknowledgements

Bibliography, Inspiration &
Acknowledgements
(too difficult to separate)

Companies cited as examples of innovation

3M post its ITV
Aardman Animation Argos Jaguar because gorgeous is worth it
Aer Lingus Jeep
American Airlines Jewish Film festival UK
Apple John Lewis
Argos Kelloggs
Bank of Scotland Lexus
BBC M&S
Blockbuster MacDonalds
BMW Max Factor
BP Microsoft
Braun Mitsubishi
British Airways MSN messenger
British Gas Nationwide proud to be different
British Government Nike just do it
BT Broadband Oli online clothing
Bud light Orange togetherness campaign
Calvin Klein Oxo
Carlsberg Pixar Animation
Carphone Warehouse Porsche
Channel 4 Redbull
Citroen robot car ads Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines
CNN Shell bendy straw ad
Coke Sky TV
Dominos Sony Ericsson
Dreamworks Sony Playstation
Duracell South African Airlines
Ford SPCA
Gillette Starbucks
GlaxoSmithKline Tetris
Golden Palace Casino Tom Tom Satnav
Google Travelodge
Guinness
good things are worth waiting for

Virgin
Holiday Inn Vodafone make the best of now
Honda the power of dreams Volvo
HSBC the worlds local bank Yahoo
Ikea Youtube
Intel Zurich Bank because change happenz
And quite a few more, but these are just off the top of my head



TV shows cited

Abbey House
Americas funniest videos
Big Brother
Brothers & Sisters
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Dr. Katz
Dr. Phil
Everybody Loves Raymond
Fear factor
Im a celebrity get me outa here
Jackass
Jerry Springer
Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous
Malcolm in the Middle
MTV
My Name is Earl
Nip Tuck
Opera
Pimp My Ride
Seinfeld
Sex and the City
Simpsons
Skins
The Sarah Silverman Program
Weeds
X-factor

Magazines & Newspapers quoted (all references cited in body of text)

City A.M.
Evening Standard
Heat Magazine
London Lite
Mail on Sunday
Metro
New Scientist
Newsweek
Observer
The Independent
The Sun
The Times
Time Magazine



BIBLIOGRAPHY

The Internet volume 4, 5, 6 & 7: all references marked by and
Email forwards
The Sky TV Guide
The Argos Catalogue, lingerie section
The free cooking magazine you get from M&S
Instruction manuals for kitchen appliances
Weekly horoscope for Leo, March 24 2005 (I forget which magazine though)
The Torah and The Haggadah
Loads of signs, notices, disclaimers, and labels on bottles & packages
All kinds of magazine articles from New Scientist, all the way down to Heat Magazine
Finger paintings from Rayno Greenwall Cohen, my nephew
The catchy bits of every song and TV ad embedded in my subconscious
The mad postman who talks loudly to everyone, regardless of whether theyre listening or not
Some philosophy from the mens loo in Hampstead Heath
A conversation I overheard at the barber, and then a similar one on the 82 bus, and still later
from a passerby on a cellphone. They were all saying the same thing. Weird, huh?
BT broadband help desk, Scotland branch
Telemarketers very kindly informing me of the latest upgrade deals Bangladesh branch
The birds outside my window singing their dawn chorus good advice but bad timing
My mother bad advice but good timing
George Bush going on about the answer to terrorism
Clinton going on about the answer to Aids (something about abstinence!?) Rich
Homer Simpson going on about mmmmm donuts
Vicky Pollard going on about nothing specific
Richard Branson going on about screw it, lets do it
Nike going on about just do it
Larry David going on about all the yelling in his family, the 40 years of misery, becoming a rich
prick after being a poor shmuck and being able to work with complete freedom since money
and success never concerned him. (Well Im still in the poor shmuck phase and ready to try
being a rich prick)
Ricky Gervais going on about Creationism in Animals
Scott Adams going on about the absurdities of the workplace
Jonathan Shapiro (Zapiro) going on about the weirdness in South Africa
Einstein going on about relativity and quantum mechanics
Newton going on about his 3rd law the one about actions and reactions and opposite forces
Heisenberg going on about uncertainty and that you cant really be sure of anything. But how
did he know that?
David Gest going on about needing some sugar and I dont do dishes
Woody Allen going on about how life is divided into the horrible and the miserable
John Stewart going on about all the contradictions and hypocrisies in American politics
Steve Jobs going on about the importance of loving what you do
Steven Wright going on about depression that its just anger without enthusiasm
Sacha Baron Cohen going on about the dangers of indifference and fighting it through Borat,
Ali G & Bruno
Paul McCartney going on about his memory being almost full

Many of the ideas in this book come from imaginary conversations I had with all of the above.


There were also real conversations with real friends:
Avi Azulai, Ruth Solomon, Sara-kai Friedgood, Cole Van Dais, Kipley Wentz, Vicki Davis,
David Curtis, Gerald and Daniel Reinders, Candida Fridman and 40 others wholl have
to buy the book to find out how they fit in. (Sorry, but its the only way you guys will
buy the book.)

Cameo appearances by family:
My mother Shirley Kellner, sisters Dr. Linda Greenwall Cohen, Dr. Gillian Brock
and Nicky Greenwall. With extended family cameos featuring: Mark Ledger,
Evon Greenwall, Dr. Henry Cohen, Andrew, Joseph, Edward and Rayno Greenwall
Cohen.

And multiple imagined and real conversations with my favourite comedian
and advisor:
My father, Ryno Greenwall (1935-2002) who always encouraged me to go for it and
who gave joy to all who knew him, mostly by showing us the brighter and funnier side
of life.

O SPARX 217: DRAW UP A CREDIT LIST
Draw up a list of rolling credits for the production known as my life.
By accident, leave out a few people, get their titles & credits wrong and roll them in
the wrong order. Watch the sparks fly! Inspiration from all directions

PROJECT PROGRESS REPORT:
Start date: 31/ 08/04
Project mission: rewrite FLOPSTAR
PROPOSED FINISH DATE: end of 2004
Get hopelessly sidetracked and then:
1
ST
DATE OF COMPLETION: 27/11/06
Pages: 328, Word count: 99875 (Project name: Rehash & Disguise)
2
ND
Pages: 411, Word count: 120 508 (Project name: Logical Stupidity)
3
RD
Pages: 607, Word count: 198 348 (17095 more than The 1
st
Testament)
4
TH
Pages: 735, Word count: 250 297

New project mission: do a scaled down 20% free version
5
TH
55062 words out of 258053 = 19.5%
Mission completed at 02:05 thats it, I should get some rest, good night.

2007 BY PETER GREENWALL

Logical Stupidity

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Logical Stupidity

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LOGICAL STUPIDITY

INNOVATION by navigating through nonsense

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