"I'm going fast again!" "How fast is he going?" "26 miles per hour.

" - Ricky, Cal and Lucius in Talladega Nights "I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger." - Cal in Talladega Nights "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker, Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley" - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights "Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run." - Cal in Talladega Nights "Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?" - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights "Whoa! Get down, you little pancake." - Jean Girard in Talladega Nights "Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here." - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights "You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, 'I love crepes.'" - Jean Girard in Talladega Nights "You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better." "Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?" "Yeah." "Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them." "Oh, my god, I love those." "Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it." "They come with cheese sometimes?" "Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe." "Well, why didn't someone yell that right away?" "Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?" "Oh, I love the crepe suzette." "With the sugar and lemon juice..." "Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure." "Grand Marnier." "I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside." - Cal, Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard in Talladega Nights

"You taste of America." - Jean Girard in Talladega Nights "Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now." - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights "I hope you have sons. Beautiful, handsome boys. Articulate, educated, and athletic. And I hope they have their legs taken from them, so you can know what this pain is like." - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights "Hey! It's me, America!" - Rickey Bobby in Talladega Nights "You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?" - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights "And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here." - Reese Bobby in Talladega Nights "Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid." - Reese Bobby in Talladega Nights "I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey." - Cal in Talladega Nights "Hakuna Matata, bitches!" - Jean Girard in Talladega Nights The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C. She said 'No, you're wrong.' I said 'You got a lumpy butt.' She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants." - Texas Walker in Talladega Nights "I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that." - Cal in Talladega Nights "Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!" - Texas Ranger in Talladega Nights

"Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!" - Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights

Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I would like to do my job. Ron Burgundy: Big deal! I am very professional! Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby. Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I'm a man! I am an anchorman! Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke! Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel, and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

Brian Fantana: I mean come on, Ed, it's bullcrap! Don't get me wrong, I loves the ladies. I mean they rev my engines, but they don't belong in the newsroom! Champ Kind: It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact! Brick Tamland: I don't know what we're yelling about! Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think? Ron Burgundy: Shit! Sh-- it's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon! Brian Fantana: Mm-hmm! Brick Tamland: Loud noises! Ed Harken: Look, she's not gonna take anyone's air time, okay? Brick Tamland: [voice quavering] I heard somewhere their periods attract bears. The bears can smell the menstruation! Brian Fantana: [somberly]Well that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.

Ron Burgundy: Where did you get a hand grenade, Brick? Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Champ Kind: What's this? Wes Mantooth: Well, well, well, Ron Burgundy and the Channel 4 News Team. Ron Burgundy: Hello, Wes Mantooth, Hello, Evening News team. Wes Mantooth: Nice clothes, gentlemen! I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale. [giggles] Am I right? Am I right? Look at these guys! Brick Tamland: Hey, where did you get those clothes, the toilet store? Wes Mantooth: What are you doing on our station's turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beat down. Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again! Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! Ron Burgundy: Hey, leave the mothers out of this. It's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset about finishing second in the ratings again. [Brian winces] Wes Mantooth: That's completely uncalled for, Burgundy. You know those rating systems are flawed. They don't take in account houses that have, uh, more than two television sets, and other things of that nature. Ron Burgundy: I guess I have to take you at your word, No. 2. You have a great day, fellas, we'll see you around the bend.

Ron Burgundy: You dirtbags have been in third place for five years. Frank Vitchard: Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to be in dead place!

Frank Vitchard: (to Ron Burgandy) I'm gonna straight-up murder your ass!

Arturo Mendez: Como stan, bitches!

Ron Burgundy: (on the fight between local anchormen) Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast! Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.

Ron Burgundy: [surprised] It did, didn't it? Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart. Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident? Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident. Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team. Ron Burgundy: That's a given. That's a given. Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. [laughs brokenly] I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together! Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while? Ron Burgundy: Yeah, sit the next couple plays out, if you know what I mean.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker! Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry! Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island! Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair! Ron Burgundy: [shellshocked] What did you say? Veronica Corningstone: I said, your hair looks stupid.

Angry Biker: What do you love? Ron Burgundy: I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here. Angry Biker: Well, now, guess what, this is happening. [grabs Baxter]

Ron Burgundy: Excuse me, excuse me, what are you doing? [biker punts Baxter over bridge] Angry Biker: That's how I roll!

Brian Fantana: Sex Panther by Odeon. This stuff is illegal in 9 countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. [cringes] It's a formidable scent; it stings the nostrils in a good way. Brian Fantana: [daubing the cologne on his neck] Yup. Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline. Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. They say 60% of the time, it works every time. Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire, my lady. Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper filled with Indian food! Oh, excuse me. Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people. Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair. News Station Employee: It smells like Bigfoot's dick! (cut to Brian being jet-hosed) Hoser: This is worse than when that raccoon got in the photocopier!

Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once. Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name? Brian Fantana: I don't remember. Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going. Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the

bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again. Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm pretty sure that's not love. Brian Fantana: Damn it! Brick Tamland: [hesitantly] I love carpet. [Ron nods understandingly] I love desk. Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them? Brick Tamland: [whispering] I love lamp. Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying that because you saw it? Brick Tamland: [helplessly] I-I love lamp! I love lamp.

Ron Burgundy: You really want to know what love is? (Champ Kind nods his head, whispering "Yeah") Brian Fantana: Yes! Tell us! Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron! Ron Burgundy: Well, it's really quite simple. It's kinda like... (singing "Afternoon Delight") Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been "when it's right, it's right", why wait until the middle of a cold dark night? Everyone: (joining in) When everything's a little lighter in the light of day. And, we know the night is always gonna be there anyway! Brick and Brian together: Thinkin of ya's workin' up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite and the thought of lovin' you is gettin' so exciting, sky rockets in flight. Afternoon Delight. Ron Burgundy: (stops singing) You guys have it. Everyone: (singing) Afternoon delight! Champ Kind: (stops singing) I dunno, Ron, that sounds kinda crazy. Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man. Brick Tamland: (dreamily) Yeah, you got mental problems, man. Brian Fantana: Yeah, it really does.

Brick Tamland: Man. Everyone: Afternoon delight!

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. Veronica Corningstone: Really. Ron Burgundy: People know me. Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you. Ron Burgundy: Um, I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Champ Kind: I woke up this morning in some Japanese family's living room and they would not stop screaming!

Ron Burgundy: Look, the most glorious rainbow ever! Veronica Corningstone: Oh, do me on it!

Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian? Brian Fantana: Panda Watch! The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I, uh, Ching King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said "No, you can't do that, he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off." [to the Panda] Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, panda jerk! Ron Burgundy: Great story. Compelling and rich.

Ed Harken: Apparently my son was on something called 'acid' and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd. You know how kids are!

Ron Burgundy: (lifting weights) 1001, 1002, 1003. Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me. Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my

workout. Tuesday's arms and back. Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir. Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I? Veronica Corningstone: Yes. Ron Burgundy: Oh-h, it's the deep burn! Oh, it's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting, I did over a thousand.

Ron Burgundy: Mmm. San Diego. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means "a whale's vagina". Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct. Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago. Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"? Ron Burgundy: No. No. Veronica Corningstone: No, that's--that's what it means. Really. Ron Burgundy: Well. Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name? Brian: Brian Fantana. Champ: Champ Kind. Brick: Brian Fantana. Brian: No, you're Brick. Brick: Brian. Brian: I'm Brian. Brick: Veronica.

Brian Fantana: Where are you, Ron? Ron Burgundy: [sobbing inside a phone booth] I'm in a glass case of emotion!

Ron Burgundy: Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke. Veronica Corningstone: You weren't here! Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and as my gentleman lover? Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me! You read my news! Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that. Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. Veronica had a very funny joke today. I laughed at it later that night! Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you! Ron Burgundy: Get out! Just go! We are through! Through! Because of your actions, you scorpion woman! Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Ron Burgundy: (yelling) Veronica Corningstone and I had sex and we are now in love! (normal) Did I say that loud? Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Ron Burgundy: [while both are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I friggin' love you! Veronica Corningstone: I friggin' love you back!

Veronica Corningstone: [Picks up phone] Veronica Corningstone. Ron Burgundy: Hello. This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy results here, and guess what? You, you got knocked up, so you should probably get out of news. Veronica Corningstone: Who is this? Ron Burgundy: This is Doctor Chim. Dr. Chim Richalds. Richalds.

Veronica Corningstone: Is this you, Ron? Ron Burgundy: I'm a professional doctor, you saw me. You don't remember. You were drunk. You should--you should go, you should get out of news. Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic. Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic. [hangs up] Champ Kind: How'd it go? Ron Burgundy: I think she bought it.

Ron Burgundy: Thanks for watching Channel 4 News. You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy? Ed Harken: Damn it, who typed a question mark on the teleprompter? For the last time, anything you type, Burgundy will read!

Garth Holliday: [sobbing incoherently] Coming out with stink like that poop, you poop-mouth, there's poop coming out of your mouth. Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I were to give you some money from out of my wallet, would that help ease the pain? [glances at Ed for approval]

From the outtakes: Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament? Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna do it.

Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica. Veronica Corningstone: Yes, what is it, Brick? Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you, an invitation to the Pants Party. Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me? Brick Tamland: The party, the pants, party with the pants? Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there is a party in your pants and that I'm invited?

Brick Tamland: That's it. Veronica Corningstone: Mm. Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick? Brick Tamland: No, yes, he did. Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No, I don't want to go to a party in your pants. Brick Tamland: Very well. (turns to crew member) Ian! Would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Ron Burgundy: Go fuck yourself, San Diego!