Ch 31 A.

Single - Parent Rearing

Dr. Taher Y. Kagalwala, M.D., D.C.H.
It is not every childs fortune to grow up in the midst of both his/her parents. There are many reasons why the child loses the support of one of his/her two parents. The commonest cause, by far, in Indian circumstances, is death of one of the two parents. In the West, separation, with or without a divorce, is the commonest cause. Whatever the cause, the child has to then grow up with just one parent. At least until that parent chooses to tie the knot again, when the child will automatically get a second parent again. This chapter will explore the problems of a single parent in brief. Death of a spouse or the break-up of a successful marriage due to an emotional upheaval can devastate the family unit; it can cause the remaining parent to experience grief that is colossal, even if the separation was a very sordid affair, as the absence of a life-partner can effectively diminish the individual to a struggling, unhappy person. Most such parents will pass through the five stages of grief in the same or different order from the one given here: 1. 2. 3. 4. Denial: This cannot happen to me Anger: Why is this happening? Where did I go wrong? Bargaining: To get the partner back if possible. Depression: The stage where you begin to accept the situation and mope in the privacy of your home. 5. Acceptance: You accept the truth and begin to move forward in life. Difficulties of single parent rearing: It is certainly not a piece of cake when it comes to single parenting, and I have no doubt that most single parents have to rough it out before they see peace and achievement on their home front. Joint families in India and other South Asian countries are perhaps enabling single parents to be more successful at handling the problem, but remember that a joint family might have prevented the other spouse from seeking a divorce in the first place. Social development does not prepare adults to be successful single parents, so that almost in every case, the single parent is at an early disadvantage vis--vis taking good care of his children. The single parent must expand his own abilities, devise peaceful means of interacting with the other parent and juggle the home finances optimally to ensure the best possible rearing for his/her children. Home-making and cooking are the major challenges for the single father and most of them are able to pick up the requisite skills and get by successfully; however, some single parents just cannot do so and they remain frustrated and stunted in growth. Children who live with a single parent are also more stressed about routines, schedules and such, but when it comes to special situations, they will find that their single parent will often consult them before taking any important decisions. This can weigh heavily on their mind, though most children will take this very positively and emerge as better, more accountable individuals. Suggestions to make the living enjoyable: This section attempts to explain what you, as a single parent, must do to make single parent rearing an acceptable and enjoyable task: Be the best parent that you can be: Do not try and do something that is beyond your capabilities, but at the same time, give of yourself one hundred per cent. You cant be both Dad and Mom, so stop trying: Up to a point, you may succeed in being the ideal parent and juggle the responsibilities of being a father and a mother together on your

shoulders, but forget it; most of the times, this will not work out to your satisfaction. However, do realise what your strengths are and work to develop those properly. Seek help in areas where you just cannot do it: for example, if you cannot cook, you cannot cook. It will be a better idea to appoint a house cook, or arrange for a year-round tiffin or something else that works well for you. Forgive, even if you cant forget: It is essential to forgive the other parent of your child if you are to foster a healthy, joyous atmosphere in the house. If you wont do so, the child will sense the bitterness and be unable to adjust without his/her other parent. Make the most of everything you have: Even if you dont have a lot of money, you still have your child, your house and your family. Remember that a child will enjoy any activity as long as you participate in it, even if it is free. So indulge with him/her and have painting, dancing, walking and singing sessions everyday. Integrate with your larger family and your neighbourhood: The child will thank you immensely if you integrate, mingle and interrelate with other relatives, neighbours and other well-wishers. This will also help you be a better parent. Do not hesitate to join Single Parent Support groups if there are any in your city. Take responsibility for your own life: If you are fat, slim down; if you have diabetes, visit the doctor immediately. Remember that an innocent person (your child) depends upon YOU to live a healthy, complete life. Thus, take charge of yourself as early as possible after becoming a single parent. Set up daily routines: See below. Be consistent and dependable: You are the only friend, philosopher and guide for your parents. If you lead a stress-free, consistent and dependable lifestyle, your child will feel safe with you and trust you completely. Even if you are tired when you return home, cook a good family meal, sit with your kid and enjoy his/her company as he/she enjoys yours. Do not betray him/her. Take the issue of re-marriage very seriously but go slow with it till your own child (ren) begin(s) to accept the idea: Arrival of a step-parent in the house is an idea that needs to be cautiously welcomed. It is quite possible for you to get someone to agree to be your new spouse, but it is very difficult for that same someone to be your childs new parent.

Single parenting can be successful too: It is common to talk about the problems that can happen if one of the parents is not there to look after the child. Not all children growing up in single-parent families experience negative consequences, just as not all overweight people have a heart attack. Dr. Stephen Duncan, a Parenting specialist has written that there are several important characteristics that mark a successful single parent: They accept the fact that it will be a difficult thing to manage the child/children singlehandedly. They are not on a self-pity or ego trip; rather, they know their own shortcomings and are always trying to improve their parenting skills. They are committed to their family 100%. They will often sacrifice their own leisure activities and be after their child/children. They encourage open communications and foster individual expression. The parent is more often willing to listen to his/her child and less likely to enforce his/her version of discipline on the offspring. They are successful organizers of the home and the hearth. They are better time managers too. They take good care of themselves, whether through diet control, exercises, yoga or anything else. They maintain rituals, traditions and relationships properly. Thus prayers, bedtime storytelling, sitting together at meal-times, going out on Sunday evenings etc. all play an important

role in cultivating happiness among the children. In a disturbed environment, a fixed routine and maintenance of tradition can be very soothing Successful single parents allow the other non-residential parent to visit the child and the child to go and visit the other parent (if divorce or separation was the cause and the other parent is alive. They continue to maintain a positive outlook toward single parenting and toward life in general.

Benefits of single parenting: This might sound a bit contradictory, as conventional thought dictates that single-parent reared children are inadequate in some way or the other. However, here are some distinct benefits that could accrue from single parenting: If an acrimonious divorce was the reason for a parent to leave the house, single parenting will bring with it a reduction of hostilities and tension and a return to a more peaceful, serene household with no devastating conflict. A single parent will have more flexibility in planning quality time with his/her child as there is no demand for his/her time from the other adult in the house. Not only is planning easier, the parent and child get more time to spend with each other. As the single parent has no one else to turn to to resolve difficulties, he/she often involves the children in the decision-making process. This has the advantage of increasing the childrens self-confidence as also of bringing the family members closer. Single parents often have to learn new skills like cooking (for fathers) and balancing the cheque-book (for mothers); this makes them better, stronger individuals. Children also become better, more broad-minded individuals as they are exposed to two different spheres of influence in their lives that of the fathers family, and that of the mothers family too.

Tips for Single Parents: Here are some ideas for single fathers/mothers that may come in useful for them: Find ways to keep in touch with your children regularly. Letters, e-mails, gifts, jokes etc. may all come in handy if you cannot see the children every single day. Never talk negatively about the childrens mother or her family in front of the children. Be predictable and consistent in your dealing with the child, the other parent and with the society in general. Remember holidays and birthdays and celebrate them so that the children will have sweet memories of those events for a lifetime. Help the children to express their feelings by being supportive and encouraging; do behave nicely with them as they will gain confidence from you. Find and spend quality time with each of your children separately and individually. Take the kids out for walks, hikes, outings and camps; enjoy games like football or badminton; swim or dance with them. Keep praising the children five times more than criticising them. Find books that tell about childrens feelings through stories and read these stories to them. This will help them face their problems, vocalise them and seek your opinion and guidance without fear.

Suggested links for further reading:

1. http://singleparents.about.com/ 2. http://singleparentscentral.com

B. Working Mothers
In the present day economic scenario, many house-wives are electing to supplement their husbands income by going to work. I am not talking about Professional women like doctors or beauticians, but about the average working woman who has a pleasing manner, average looks, some training in secretarial practice, typing and computer operations, and the courage to go out and do the additional work, besides also handling household work and looking after the children. This part of the chapter is for those women who are considering work along with their child-rearing activity. In some respects, some of the information in the previous section applies also to the working mother, although here there is a vital difference: the husband is around to help. Why some women work: Some women are ambitious and career oriented. Not for them the drudgery of raising children, pressing the feet of their husbands and cooking for three hours everyday. This chapter will obliquely address them as well, but is not really meant for them. The larger majority of working women are in this because they wish to become financially independent as well as supplement their husbands income and usher in a better, more liberated and luxurious lifestyle. They feel important as well and this adds to their self-confidence and empowers them to achieve more and more in life. It appears like an impossibility to effectively do three things simultaneously: managing the home, going for the job and looking after the kids; and yet, many thousands of mothers do just this day in and day out throughout the year. Of course, if the mother is also a single parent, she will have to work to look after her childs and her own financial needs. What, how and when should mothers work? Double Income No Kids (DINKS): Ideally, if possible, young couples should plan not to have a child for at least 4-5 years after marriage if they are both professionals, or working in any capacity. They would both contribute to the familys kitty, and this double income can serve them well when they plan to raise a family and have children. At the same time, couples who marry in their late twenties should NOT delay having children for 4-5 years as the chance of a genetic handicap or malformation increases as parental age (esp. maternal age) advances (see Chapter 30). When? Once there is a new member in the family, ideally, the mother should NOT work for at least 2-3 years, so that she can provide uninterrupted breast feeding, 24-hours undivided attention and effective mothering till the toddler begins to school. If this is not feasible, she must avail of the full permissible maternity leave; she should start the leave at or just before the time of delivery so that she gets the maximum possible days after delivery to look after the baby. She may also utilise sick leave and earned leave (if these are valid leaves available). In this manner, she can, with some effort and some adjustment, manage to exclusively breast feed her baby for six months. What? The preferable option for a mother of a small baby is to choose a job or profession that permits flexible hours of working, working from home and part-time work. Nowadays, with the software sector opening up, computer-based jobs can be easily done from the home or at flexible hours, including evening hours, when the nursing baby is often asleep, and allows the mother some free time to work. In the same manner, jobs such as a receptionist for a consultant doctor, private tuitions, embroidery work, tailoring, small-time catering, cookery classes, etc. are all adaptable to flexible

timings, working from home and part-time work. As far as possible, the mother should look for such jobs till her life settles down.

How to work and breast feed at the same time: I have come across several inspirational accounts of working mothers who have successfully exclusively breast fed their babies for six to seven months after birth. Here are some excerpts from one such woman. She writes: My son never had a drop of artificial baby milk and was exclusively breastfed until he began trying solid foods at about 8 months old. Combining working and breastfeeding was not always easy, but it has been worth every second of effort. Of all the things I've done as a parent, I have to admit this is one of my proudest accomplishments.

The way to go about doing this is to pump breast milk before going to work; the mother should either use a manual method of expression and use her hands or a manual breast pump or use an electrical breast pump (available for about 2500 to 3000 rupees in big cities). The first time you pump the milk, leave it at home for some caretaker to feed it to the baby at about 12 noon. In the afternoon, if you can come home, well and good. Feed the baby directly at the breast once or twice as the time permits. Go back to work. At 4 p.m. or so, during the coffee break, pump some more breast milk in the office and collect it in a clean container. Bring that home and give it to someone to feed it to the baby while you unwind from the days tiring schedule. By 7 p.m., you would be free to directly feed the baby again. Role of a crche: If your workplace has a crche, and you have no one to lean to, you can always take the baby with you at work; in this case, pumping may not be needed at all if you can go and feed the baby every three hours or so. Role of a house-maid: If possible, hire a trustworthy, clean, young house-maid about 1-2 months before you go in for the delivery. She will be immensely useful to both you and the baby in many respects. I know that getting a good house-maid is a tough job as they dont come cheap, at least in big metros, but by and large, you should be able to get them to stay from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. for about 1000 rupees a month. The lunch and teas would be also at your expense. It is highly advisable to photograph the maid, get her medically checked and investigated to rule out TB, HIV, etc. and to take her to the local police station for a quick check of the criminal records of her that may exist. If you find everything to your satisfaction, you can appoint her. She would be expected to feed the baby in your absence, apart from doing other household work. Role of grandparents and other extended family members: This is valid only where there are still joint families. Grandparents of the child can be a real boon. However, many ungrateful parents of small babies do not appoint a maid and live a relaxed lifestyle while the grandparents are doing all the baby-related household work. I am totally against this outright shirking of ones responsibilities. Parents may request their own parents to help them in looking after the baby in their absence; however, they must not use this as an excuse to not appoint a maid, to go out to movies and late night parties and to various functions. They must also not give hard to perform household tasks like cooking, washing childs nappies etc. to their parents. On the other hand, grandparents may, if they wish, do whatever things they can do to relieve the parents burden; for example, they may want to keep the folded clothes back in the almirahs, prepare

the dining table, play with their grandchild when the latter appears to be cranky or bored (and also read to her stories), feed the baby the breast milk stored in the refrigerator, and such other soft jobs. Grandparents can be a source of immense pleasure to the baby, just as the baby can rejuvenate her old grandpa and grandma. You, as understanding parents, should try and see that a homely, happy environment prevails in the house. Role of the father: Times have changed, and the father is no longer the newspaper-reading, tea-guzzling, mustachioed armchair lolling tyrant that 19th century fathers once were. (I am not casting aspersions on my grandparents, but rather, lightening your mood just to explain the stereotyped image of the father about a century ago!)Todays modern father is fully expected to share with his working wife all the responsibilities of rearing the child. He should not hesitate to look after the baby while his wife is cooking, to change the babys diapers, to feed her mothers milk when the mother is away and so on. Further Reading: (End) http://www.kjsl.com/~cee/working.htm http://www.breastfeeding.com/workingmom.shtml\ http://www.suite101.com/articles.cfm/working_mothers