Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance but if you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.

Amish response to hostility. They come out of the Anabaptist tradition in 16th century Europe, which is a martyr tradition. Many of their ancestors were killed and died at the stake, decapitated and so on. And so it's part of their response to forgive the enemy, to forgive the opponent. They also look to Jesus as the one that they see as their example, and on the cross he says, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. He instructs his disciples to forgive 70 times seven, and the Amish would also say it's in the Lord's Prayer, where Christians would pray forgive us as we forgive those that we've transgressed - who have transgressed against us. So in many ways forgiving and forgetting is really part of the rhythm of Amish life, But
they do have what is often called in religious circles a two kingdom theology, where they don't receive - they don't assume responsibility for meting out justice. In a sense, they would say, well, it's our responsibility to forgive, but it's up to the police and the system of justice to deal with punishment and so on. that our policy is forgive and forget. If someone in the Amish

community transgresses a regulation of the church - let's say they go out and buy an automobile - and then if the person comes to the church and repents and asks forgiveness and confesses this purchase of the automobile, the Amish would say we're going to forgive and we're going to forget that. We're not going to hold it against the person anymore. Will it be erased from their memories? Of course not. But they would say it would border on being sinful to keep talking about this and keep repeating this. So they do try to forget, although I'm sure it stays in their memories.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.

There can be no middle ground to this decision: either you decide to forgive the person who hurt you, or you hold on to bitterness and anger.
The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness is the experience of finding inner peace. One of the most difficult things we have to do during the course of our lives is to forgive those who wrong us. When we are hurt, our first reaction is usually to seek revenge and strike back. Revenge may provide temporary satisfaction, but usually the satisfaction is replaced by guilt, sadness, and remorse. Forgiveness lightens your heart and your spirit in a way that no amount of satisfaction from revenge possibly can. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment and anger caused by the person you are forgiving.

comes when you says, I understand. In saying this you indicates that you do not intend to carry a grudge against that person. This understanding also leads us to a simple psychological definition of forgiveness: Forgiveness is the refusal to hurt the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves. -Eric Hoffer

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

Healthier relationships Greater spiritual and psychological well-being Less stress and hostility Lower blood pressure Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain

The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to forgive. We learn from Scripture, if we don't forgive, neither will we be forgiven: Matthew 6:14-16 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (NIV)

We also forgive so that our prayers will not be hindered: Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (NIV) In summary and in closing, we forgive out of obedience to the Lord. It is a choice, a decision we make. However, as we do this "forgiving," we discover the command is in place for our own good, and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom.
Releasing this grudge can bring happiness and release. Carrying a grudge pokes holes in our energy bucket. We will feel constantly tired, weary, and lethargic. Fatigue is the faithful companion of a grudge. At the end of each day you will collapse in exhaustion, wondering why we feel so fatigued. It is because we are wasting great amounts of unconscious energy maintaining our grudge. Releasing this grudge through forgiveness will result in a brand new surge of emotional and physical energy. It is difficult, if not impossible, to forgive an offense. Our memory has been created in such a way that it will contain all the events of your lives. It is conceivable that you can remember everything that ever occurred in your life, especially painful experiences, or more so the feelings resulting from these experiences.

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you may become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility may take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. Forgiveness by itself is still preferable to holding a

grudge. Why? Because the bitterness of a grudge works like a mental poison that doesnt hurt anyone but yourself. Seeking revenge or wishing harm to another will, at the minimum, deplete your strength and prevent your wounds from healing.
Hebrews 12:15 People who have a root of bitterness fi nd it easy to get upset over things that other's are doing around them. It's like a brewing fountain that lies beneath the surface, waiting to fuel something that is on the surface .

A grudge pours its corrosive bitterness into us, arrogating our entire being. Soon the door will be open for envy, malice, jealousy, bitterness, gossip, and slander to come and visit. We will stop at nothing to even the score against the other party. Holding a grudge will only devour you from inside out, eventually turning you into a bitter person. All this happens because you refuse to forgive the one who hurt you. The price to pay is too high.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you may pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life may become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You may become depressed or anxious. You may feel that your life lacks meaning or

purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You may lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others. Imagine the person who says, Im at peace with what happened. Im OK with it. Actually, it doesnt even bother me. But my life is still miserable. What do I do now? If you find yourself in this position, in effect saying, No, it doesnt bother me . . . but Im still miserable, it is a good psychological clue that there is still something missing. Usually, this means that youre still denying your unconscious anger and resentment, so even though you think youve come to terms with what happened, there are still emotions about the event which you have pushed out of awareness. In fact, many persons can get caught up in this premature forgiveness as a way to avoid coping with all the unpleasant emotions they would rather not examine. This can be extremely frustrating because unconscious resentments are essentially invisible to logic and reason. Because they represent things you would rather not see, they can be discovered only indirectlysuch as when they continue to cause discomfort even though it seems that everything should be OK. When something is repressed, it just lingers in the dark shadows of the unconscious, along with all the emotions associated with it. And as long as those emotions, such as anger, are brewing secretly in the unconscious, genuine forgiveness remains impossible.
Countless women who have been hurt develop awful emotional and spiritual bondage. It's not because they were hurt, but be cause they allowed the trauma to get to them. Many women are in bondage today because they became bitter under the surface about what was done to them years ago. That's how the demonic spirits gain access into a person's life through hurt and abuse. It's n ot the abuse or hurt, but the bitterness and unhealthy feelings that build up within a person who has been taken advantage of. Demons thrive on bitterness and unforgiveness, and it's a wide open door for them to move right in on a person and develop many spiritual, mental and even physical bondages. Now many of these people who have been hurt, don't express it on the outside, but rather hold the hurt and bitter feelings inside where they fester and grow. There are women who have been hurt and they are kind and gentle and loving people, but inside they are bound up because of what was done to them many years ago. Just because they aren't angry or outrageous individuals, does not mean they are free from the root of bitterness. Bitterness is a root, and roots are not always visible on the surface. They may promote ungodly anger and other emotions on the surface but bitterness itself works under the surface. Bitterness is a root, thereby making it harder to identify and expose than many surfac e issues, but none the less it's a deadly poison that needs to be released. If left alone, it will grow and fester, and it has the ability to spring up many surface issues such as irritability, anger, hatred, etc. Individuals who have a root of bitterness will often find it easy to become upset over little things that go on around them. Instead of letting it go and forgiving, they let it get to them, and it devours them alive. This is a very common route by which demons enter people today. We need to make a choice to release all hurt and bottled up feelings inside us, and repent for holding that poison in our hearts. Unforgiveness is actually a form of hate against another person. If a person hates somebody, it is a sign that the person is lacking love in th eir heart. Why? They are not firmly rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, and Christ's love is not flowing through them. As simple as that sounds, that's how it works. How can you love God who you cant see and hate or not forgive your brother who yo u see?

If we have a grudge, we feel guilty. We will sub-consciously feel unaccepted and we will never feel fully forgiven. Holding a grudge keeps life running on rewind, preventing us from

moving on with life and looking forward to the future. We keep looking over our shoulders at some past injustice we experienced. We recall how awful it was. A grudge handcuffs us to this negative past, causing us to irrationally dwell on the past and blame our present failures on past misfortunes.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. A way to begin is by recognizing the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time. Then reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being. When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you. Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life. As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You may even find compassion and understanding Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (NIV)

Instructions
1. Step 1 Recognize the people against whom you harbor resentments: When you are with a person, be it a family member, friend, work colleague, neighbor or associate, and you feel an inner repulsion or negative impulse to avoid and negate them from your space, you can be sure you're resentful towards this person for some reason.

How to Identifying the Source of Resentment: Try to figure out: was it an act of commission (meaning the person did something to you directly) or was it an act of omission (meaning the person did not do something to you directly which you wish they had done for you - like accepting your offer to a prom, accepting your offer of engagement, recognized your value and worth as a human being, giving you the job you wanted, etc).

2. Recognize what the person did that causes you to harbor a resentment: Scroll through the
history of your life to identify just what it was that this person you hold a resentment for said or did that hurt you so badly. See TIPS below for identifying what could be the thing that holds your resentment to this person

3. Identify for what you are forgiving this person in a script: Now that you have identified the person you want to forgive, you need to get down in writing a "script" which you will follow as you tell this person that you are forgiving her for what was done. See TIPS below for writing a forgiveness script.

4. How to Prepare a Forgiveness Script To prepare your script you need to consider the following: 1. Identify the situation: "When you did such and such to me..." 2. Identify how you felt about it: "I felt such and such ..."(put in how you felt at the time and still feel in some cases). 3. Identify that you now want to forgive this person for what the person did: "When you did such and such, I felt such and such. I want you to know that I forgive you for this and hope that from this point on that we can have a healthy and productive relationship with no harboring of ill will or resentment over this past offense." What to Assess if a Person is Able to Accept Your Forgiveness These are some things to look for to determine if a person is ready to receive your heartfelt forgiveness: 1. Does this person have an addiction problem (such as alcohol or drug dependency; gambling; sexual addiction; etc) and is incapable of understanding your offer of forgiveness? 2. Is this person open to "psychologically or spiritually minded" discussions, or is this person so narrow minded that your offer of forgiveness will be handled in a mean spirited way by being put down or diminished? 3. Does this person have an open mind to hear what you have to say or is this person so closed minded that anything you did say in the process of forgiving would be turned around to make you "look stupid" for bringing this issue up in the first place? If the person you want to forgive fits any of the above categories, then you need to forgive this person in your heart but not in an open communications process.
It still may help to put your feelings into words as part of letting go. People dont need to know that youve forgiven them; forgiveness is more for you than for the other person. Journaling about a situation where you were hurt or wronged can help you process what happened and move on; however, the way you write about it and what you choose to focus on can make all the difference in how easy it becomes to forgive. Look For the Positive Research shows that journaling about the benefits youve gotten from a negative situation -- rather than focusing on the emotions you have surrounding the event, or writing about something unrelated -- can actually help you to forgive and move on more easily. So pick up a pen and start journaling about the silver lining next time you find someone raining on your parade, or keep an ongoing gratitude journal and forgive a little every day. Cultivate Empathy While you dont have to agree with what the other person did to you, when working on how to forgive, it often helps to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Research has shown that empathy, particularly with men, is associated with forgiveness, and can make the process easier. Instead of seeing them as the enemy, try to understand the factors that they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes? Try to remember the other persons good qualities, assume that their motives were not to purposely cause you pain (unless you have clear indicators otherwise), and you may find it easier to forgive.
Protect Yourself and Move On

Sometimes its difficult to forgive if you feel that forgiveness leaves you open to the future repeats of the same negative treatment. Its important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action, and its OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process. For example, Sis. Werts baking has really picked up and she has to do the deliveries, which mean she has to get the children ready everytime she has to make a delivery. And I take it upon myself to help her out by delivering her baked goods because she help me by delivering for Sisters home cookin. One day I ask her to make a delivery for SHC and she tells me that she wont be able to do it and I get angry and say things I should not have said. Like Youre never there for me when I need you. Im always doing things for you, but you never do things for me. How should this be handled? Discuss: When a person is angry sometimes they falsely accuse, they blame You dont need to hold a grudge in order to protect yourself.

Get Help If You Need It Sometimes it can be difficult to forget about the past and forgive, particularly if the offending acts were ongoing or traumatic. If youre still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone whos wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success talking with someone who is spiritual who can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process. When youve been hurt, figuring out how to forgive can be difficult. These strategies should be helpful
in your journey of letting go and releasing the hurt of the past.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?

Forgiveness, however, can be a problem for many people simply because they are not clear about what forgiveness really is. All too often forgiveness gets confused with reconciliation, a larger process of which forgiveness is but one part. If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship
you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation may be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible even if reconciliation isn't.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?
If you haven't reached a state of forgiveness, being near the person who hurt you may be tense and stressful. To handle these situations, remember that you have a choice whether or not to attend specific functions and gatherings. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to attend, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. Do your best to keep an open heart and mind. You may find that the gathering helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?

Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life. Consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness without making

excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Simply acknowledge your faults and admit your mistakes. Then commit to treating others with compassion,

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

It's likely you've felt hurt by people in your life by something they said, did or did not do to you. Most probably, you have not always forgiven these people. In fact, you have probably harbored a deep resentment toward them for the way they hurt you. But now, you recognize that it's not good for you to harbor such resentments since they tend to bring you down and depress you. The way to deal with the situation is to revisit and resolve it and that entails forgiving the person who hurt you. Unsure how to do it? Sure you are. But it's not as difficult as you might first think. Here's how to go about forgiving people for something they did in the past-possibly something they don't even remember doing or saying to you.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of his or her sorrow. If you find yourself stuck, it may help to write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. You may want to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an unbiased family member or friend. You may also want to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you. Keep in mind that forgiveness has the potential to increase your sense of integrity, peace and overall well-being.

IF YOU CANNOT FORGIVE, YOU CANNOT LOVE

In this article on the gospel lesson of St. Matthew 18:23-35, Jesus tells us a parable about the act of forgiveness. He tells us about a certain person, who, after being forgiven a debt of a huge amount of money, immediately goes to a person who owes him a few dollars, grabs him by the throat, and then demands immediate payment for his debt. What this parable actually depicts is a marvelous example of our wicked human tendency to plead for forgiveness, when that is what we need, but to deny it or be incapable of forgiving someone else when it comes their turn to expect it. However, there is one other very important thing I want you to remember when you take it upon yourself to forgive someone. You are not responsible for what the other person's response will be to your forgiveness. When you cannot forgive someone, you cannot, no matter what you say, have the capacity to truly love yourself or anyone else.