Therapists Overview

RESPECT OR FEAR?

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. Develop a program of recovery free of addictive patterns and dangerous/lethal behaviors. Understand the difference between respect and fear. Increase insight into the core motivations that lead to dangerous/lethal behaviors. Recognize early signs of anger and use cognitive/behavioral techniques to control behavior. Increase self-esteem and self-respect.

2. 3. 4. 5.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

Anger Antisocial Behavior Oppositional Defiant Behavior Partner Relational Conflicts

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT

The Respect or Fear? activity is designed for the client who has exhibited dangerous behavior that appears to have the aim or effect of intimidating others as a frequent or primary way of relating to those others. Follow-up can include processing the exercise with the therapist or group, guided experimentation with behavioral changes suggested by the content of the exercise, and the assignments titled Anger as a Drug and Is My Anger Due to Feeling Threatened?

EXERCISE X.B

RESPECT OR FEAR?

Unless youre unusual you want people to respect you. The respect of others, especially those most important to us, means so much that people may risk their lives for it (e.g., a soldier who charges a machine gun rather than let his friends down). Seeking respect, many of us have done things that led to serious trouble, danger, or suffering. Wanting respect is healthyhow do we earn it without hurting ourselves or others? Well start with a close look at the way we think about this issue. 1. First, please describe what the word respect means to you. Write down the first thoughts that come to mind about what it means to you, and how you feel about being respected by others.

2. Now do the same thing, except that wed like you to think about what it means for you to respect others. Do you feel good about respecting others, and how would you describe it?

3. If you have different views of what it means to be respected and to give respect, you may be thinking of another feeling. What other emotions might fit your answers to questions 1 and 2?

4. You may be dealing with a common source of confusion, the fact that many of us have respect confused with fear. To begin, how would you describe the difference between respect and fear?

5. Respect can be described as follows. Please name some examples among people you know. a. When people respect someone, they trust that person, feel safe with him/her, and count on him/her to be dependable and treat people

appropriately; they like being around him/her.

EXERCISE X.B

Names of examples: b. When we respect people, we approve of and admire their actions. Names of examples: c. We look up to someone we respect and may see him/her as a role model. Names of examples: 6. When people respect someone, how do they behave toward him/her?

7. Now lets analyze what it means to fear other people. Note how this differs from respect. Again, please name some examples of the qualities described. a. When people fear someone, they feel tense and unsafe around him/her; they are cautious and don't relax around that person, and may try to avoid being around him/her. Names of examples: b. When a person is feared, others don't trust him/her to treat them appropriately or feel that he/she respects or cares about them. Names of examples: c. If we fear a person, we may try to keep our children or others away from that person. Names of examples: 8. This leads to a question like the one we asked about respect. When people fear someone, how do they behave toward him/her?

EXERCISE X.B

9. If you would rather be respected than feared, you must consistently practice behaviors that earn respect and not fear. Please think of a way you can do each of these in your daily life. a. Being honest and dependable. How I can do this daily: b. Being kind, generous, and considerate. How I can do this daily: c. Thinking about other people's feelings and dignity and treating them with care. How I can do this daily: d. Controlling my words and actions even when Im angry. How I can do this daily: 10. If youd rather not be feared, here are things not to doplease list examples of actions youll avoid. If youve been doing these things, these changes will greatly benefit your relationships. a. Being unpredictable, undependable, and possibly dangerous to rely on. Behavior to avoid: b. Being mean, selfish, thoughtless, or inconsiderate. Behavior to avoid: c. Not caring about other people's feelings. Behavior to avoid: d. Not controlling my feelings and actions when Im angry. Behavior to avoid: 11. You may still be unsure whether you want to work for respect rather than fear. You may find yourself around dangerous people and think you need to be feared to be safe; you may not have grown up with relationships that werent based on fear. Some points to consider: a. People who are feared are lonely. Your loved ones, friends, and others

will be more willing to maintain close and supportive relationships if they respect you rather than fear you.
EXERCISE X.B

b. If your loved ones need help with a problem, theyre much more likely to let you know if they trust you and arent afraid of you. c. Your children will probably follow your example in how they deal with people. They will have much happier lives if you teach them to be the kind of people others respect. This exercise has guided you in thinking about differences between respect and fear and which you want. Dont be discouraged if you slip back into old patterns under stress. Make amends to anyone youve hurt, learn what lessons you can, and keep working on it. If youre active in a 12-Step program, use the Steps on thisthey work. The programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Emotions Anonymous may be especially useful. Good luck!