Jokes

CONTENTS:
...Believe it or Not!................................................VII American Facts........................................................VII Arson........................................................................VII Bug Repellent...........................................................VII Suicide?..................................................................VIII Telephone Problem................................................VIII ...In a Galaxy Far, Far Away.................................IX Star Trek Chickens....................................................IX Star Trek Lost Episode..............................................IX Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe....................................................................X All in a Day's Work.....................................................X Accountants................................................................X Administratium...........................................................X Archaeologists..........................................................XI Aviation.....................................................................XI
Blind Pilots.................................................................................XI

Bad Day at Work.......................................................XI Cannibals.................................................................XII Carpet Layer............................................................XII Cowboy....................................................................XII Credit Card Customer Service................................XII Doctor Doctor.........................................................XII
Cured.........................................................................................XII Doctor's Reports......................................................................XIII Gynaecologist..........................................................................XIII Heart Attack.............................................................................XIII Medical Terms.........................................................................XIII Mental Health Hotline.............................................................XIII Ol' Fred....................................................................................XIV Sleeping Pills...........................................................................XIV The Examination......................................................................XIV The History of Medicine..........................................................XIV Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery...................XIV Upset Stomach.........................................................................XIV

Employee Reports...................................................XIV Job Interviews..........................................................XV Letter from Internal Revenue.................................XVI Management...........................................................XVI

Bosses......................................................................................XVI Envelopes.................................................................................XVI Names.....................................................................................XVII

Military..................................................................XVII
Courage..................................................................................XVII F14 Tomcat.............................................................................XVII Military Humour...................................................................XVIII Military Warnings.................................................................XVIII Rum, Sodomy and Life Jackets..............................................XVIII

New Job At The Zoo...............................................XIX Office Idiots............................................................XIX Out of Office Auto-Replies.......................................XX Pirates......................................................................XX
The Seaman and the Pirate.......................................................XX

Prison vs. Work........................................................XX Reasons For Missing Work:...................................XXI

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Specifications..........................................................XXI Tool Definitions......................................................XXI Animals...................................................................XXII Bears.....................................................................XXII

Gonna Be a Bear....................................................................XXII

Cats.......................................................................XXII
Cat Physics.............................................................................XXII Cat Rules...............................................................................XXIII How to Clean Your Toilet.....................................................XXIII

Cockroach............................................................XXIII Dogs.....................................................................XXIII
Dog Property Laws...............................................................XXIII Dogs and Lightbulbs.............................................................XXIII Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:......................................XXIV Rules for Dogs.......................................................................XXIV Talking Dog...........................................................................XXIV Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....................................XXIV

Ducks.....................................................................XXV
Duck food................................................................................XXV Talking Duck...........................................................................XXV

Elephants...............................................................XXV
Elephant Hunting....................................................................XXV Recall.....................................................................................XXVI

New Dinosaur......................................................XXVI Pets.......................................................................XXVI Vampire Bat.........................................................XXVI Blonde Jokes........................................................XXVII Astrology.............................................................XXVII Attempted Suicide...............................................XXVII Blonde On The Sun.............................................XXVII Blonde Parking in the Winter.............................XXVII Blonde Pets.........................................................XXVII Call the Auto Club..............................................XXVII Computer Accessories........................................XXVII Driver..................................................................XXVII Exam...................................................................XXVII Fire....................................................................XXVIII In A Vacuum......................................................XXVIII Knitting..............................................................XXVIII Pilot...................................................................XXVIII Prison Escapees................................................XXVIII She Was So Blonde............................................XXVIII Short Ones.........................................................XXVIII Speeding Ticket....................................................XXIX The Blonde and the Lawyer.................................XXIX You're Next!.........................................................XXIX Computers.............................................................XXIX An Ode to Spelling Checkers...............................XXIX Bill Gates -v- GM.................................................XXIX Computer Company Toasters................................XXX Demo Version........................................................XXX DOS.......................................................................XXX Gender of Computers...........................................XXXI How to Improve Your Day...................................XXXI If Microsoft were in Alabama..............................XXXI Is Windows a Virus?............................................XXXI Microsoft TV Dinners..........................................XXXI
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MS-Girlfriend.....................................................XXXII Oldest Profession..............................................XXXIII Redneck Computer Glossary.............................XXXIII Technology Is Just Not For Everyone...............XXXIII The Daily Prayer...............................................XXXIV Virus Warnings..................................................XXXIV Windows 95 Defined...........................................XXXV Ethnic Jokes.........................................................XXXV Americans...........................................................XXXV
American Soldier..................................................................XXXV Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel..........XXXV Yankee Ingenuity.................................................................XXXVI

Antipodean Joke................................................XXXVI Aussie Tracker...................................................XXXVI Cultural Differences Explained.........................XXXVI Irish....................................................................XXXVI

Aerlingus.............................................................................XXXVI At the Pub............................................................................XXXVI Digging the Potato Patch..................................................XXXVII Irish Air Disaster...............................................................XXXVII Irish Cops..........................................................................XXXVII Lotto...................................................................................XXXVII Pay Rise.............................................................................XXXVII The Irish Guide To Medical Terms And Their Meanings..XXXVII

Jewish..............................................................XXXVIII
Chinese Jews....................................................................XXXVIII Jewish and Taiwanese Pilots...........................................XXXVIII Jewish Humour.................................................................XXXVIII Jewish Mothers.................................................................XXXVIII Mothers and Daughters......................................................XXXIX Three Samurai.....................................................................XXXIX

Mexican Bungee................................................XXXIX Wha's Like Us?..................................................XXXIX Family.........................................................................XL 10 Rules for Dating My Daughter...........................XL The Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter....XL Boys and Girls........................................................XLI Children as Pets......................................................XLI Dad, Why Are We Here?.......................................XLII Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey............................XLII Fear......................................................................XLIII First Parent..........................................................XLIII Gross....................................................................XLIII Housework...........................................................XLIII How to Handle a Husband...................................XLIII I've Learned..........................................................XLIV Letter From Camp................................................XLIV Parent Poem.........................................................XLIV Parent Test.............................................................XLV Parent Training.....................................................XLV Somebody Said..................................................XLVI The Housewife......................................................XLVI General Jokes......................................................XLVII A Good Deed.......................................................XLVII A Mans Life........................................................XLVII A Twist on Philosophy........................................XLVII Answering Machine Funnies..............................XLVII Bad Luck............................................................XLVIII
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Beautiful Sound.................................................XLVIII Brain Surgeons.....................................................XLIX Bubba...................................................................XLIX Bumper Snickers (and other one-liners)..............XLIX Camping...............................................................LVIII Cartoon Physics...................................................LVIII Chimney Safety.......................................................LIX Chocolate................................................................LIX Corny........................................................................LX Cowboy Wisdom.......................................................LX Definitions................................................................LX Epitaphs..................................................................LXI Food Tips For Bachelors........................................LXI For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...............LXII Groaners................................................................LXII Headlines.............................................................LXIII Healthy Lifestyle Hints.........................................LXIV History..................................................................LXIV House Cleaning....................................................LXVI How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace....................................................................................LXVI Not Stupid...........................................................LXVII Outsourcing........................................................LXVII Pet Rabbit...........................................................LXVII Rules for Living.................................................LXVIII So whos the dumb one?....................................LXVIII Stress Relief.......................................................LXVIII Stupid.................................................................LXVIII Ten Again.............................................................LXIX The Dog and the Jeep...........................................LXIX Things You Would Never Know Without the MoviesLXIX Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis LXX Three Bad Bikers...................................................LXX True or False?.......................................................LXX Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?..............LXXI Kids........................................................................LXXI Bedtime.............................................................LXXI Children..............................................................LXXII Dear God............................................................LXXII From the Mouths of Babes................................LXXIII Kids....................................................................LXXIV Kids Views on Love............................................LXXIV Kids Views on Marriage.....................................LXXV Kids Wisdom......................................................LXXVI Learnt From Kids.............................................LXXVII Little Johnnys Bike..........................................LXXVII The Middle Wife...............................................LXXVII When You Thought I Wasn't Looking..............LXXVIII Language.........................................................LXXVIII 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should..........LXXVIII Anagrams........................................................LXXVIII Bad Puns............................................................LXXIX English Lesson....................................................LXXX EuroEnglish........................................................LXXX
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Health Secret.....................................................LXXXI International English.........................................LXXXI Learning Chinese.............................................LXXXII Some Thoughts On The English Language......LXXXII The English Language......................................LXXXII Its Academic...................................................LXXXIII Bribery............................................................LXXXIII Dark Suckers...................................................LXXXIII Exam Answers.................................................LXXXIII Exams..............................................................LXXXIV Flagpole..........................................................LXXXIV How Gullible Are We?....................................LXXXIV Late for Exam................................................LXXXV Rabbit Thesis....................................................LXXXV Talking Clock....................................................LXXXV Lightbulb Jokes................................................LXXXV Murphy's Laws............................................LXXXVIII Murphys Laws.............................................LXXXVIII Murphys Laws of Combat...........................LXXXVIII Order in the Court..........................................LXXXIX Anglicare.........................................................LXXXIX Court Transquips.............................................LXXXIX Farmer Joe.............................................................XCI Lawyers..................................................................XCI
How Not to Question a Witness...............................................XCI Lawyer Jokes..........................................................................XCII

Lightbulb...............................................................XCII Would You Please Clarify That?..........................XCII Police Jokes.............................................................XCII 5 Soldiers 6 Police 0 Brains.................................XCII 911 Calls..............................................................XCIII How to impress a cop..........................................XCIII Klutzy Crook........................................................XCIII Murpys Laws of Policing...................................XCIII New Age Constables..............................................XCV Nuns Driving........................................................XCVI Pick Your Target..................................................XCVI Police Reports....................................................XCVII Police Training...................................................XCVII Radar..................................................................XCVII Recruit...............................................................XCVIII Rookie Cop........................................................XCVIII Rookies vs. Veterans.........................................XCVIII Stupid Bank Robbers............................................XCIX Things not to say to a nice traffic officer.............XCIX Three Times A Loser..................................................C Political Jokes...............................................................C Entry Into Heaven......................................................C Politics and Cows......................................................C Practical Jokes.............................................................C Religious Jokes...........................................................CI
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Atheist.......................................................................CI Bran Muffins............................................................CII Church Bulletins......................................................CII Driving Permit.........................................................CII Ecumenical Light Bulb Changing...........................CII Getting to Heaven..................................................CIII Heaven...................................................................CIII Honesty..................................................................CIII Jewish Maths..........................................................CIII Life Begins.............................................................CIII Modern Noah.........................................................CIII Pope........................................................................CIV Rabbis.....................................................................CIV Theology of Toys......................................................CV Seasonal......................................................................CV Christmas.................................................................CV
12 Days of Christmas (90s Version).........................................CV Politically Correct Christmas...................................................CV SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective............................CVI Santas Downsizing.................................................................CVI X(mas) File.............................................................................CVII

Thanksgiving........................................................CVIII Senior Life.............................................................CVIII Harvey and Gladys..............................................CVIII New Barbie..........................................................CVIII Old Pilots.............................................................CVIII Senior Moments......................................................CIX Why God Invented Menopause...............................CIX Sports........................................................................CIX Exercise..................................................................CIX The Battle of the Sexes............................................CIX Chemistry...............................................................CIX Dictionary of Dating................................................CX Differences...............................................................CX Drive-up ATMs.......................................................CXI Garden of Eden......................................................CXI Haircuts..................................................................CXI How to Handle a Husband.....................................CXI Male Answer Syndrome........................................CXII Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus....CXII Oil Change...........................................................CXIV Pleasing Women..................................................CXIV Reasons God Created Eve.....................................CXV The Rules...............................................................CXV The Silent Treatment.............................................CXV Training Courses for Men.....................................CXV Why Are Men Happier.........................................CXVI Women Or Bridges..............................................CXVI Women's Compact Instruction Book....................CXVI Thoughts to Ponder..............................................CXVI Quotable Quotes..................................................CXVI Things that make you go, Hmmm....................CXIX

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...Believe it or Not!
American Facts
1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. 2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I 3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. 4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. 5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. 6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather. 7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. 9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. 10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. 11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. 12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's. 13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. 14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. 15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. 16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. 18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. 19. Every person has a unique tongue print. 20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. 21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. 22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. 23. Bubble gum contains rubber. 24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. 25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star. 26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. 27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. 30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. 31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. 32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

Jokes 34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. 35. Some toothpaste contains antifreeze. 36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. 37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. 38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific. 39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. 40. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. 42. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. 43. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 44. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. 45. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. 46. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. 47. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is a meaningless existential hell. 48. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 49. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant plenty of excrement. 50. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)

Arson
Why the court system is so bogged down: A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Bug Repellent
from Bill Love I was in high school in 1972, and had only recently moved to Florida.

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One summer evening I took a drive across Alligator Alley, the highway traversing the Everglades in southern Florida. I saw so many snakes crossing the pavement that I decided to return the next night to collect some. I figured the best way to do it would be to sit on the car hood while my friend drove slowly along. When I spied a snake, I'd pound on the hood to alert my pal, and hop off to grab it. Few supplies were needed for this mini-expedition: a pillow sack to hold the snakes and a flashlight to spot them. The mosquitoes would probably be thick again, so I'd bring plenty of repellent, too. My family kept the bug spray in the dark storage area under the kitchen sink, along with many other common household products. In a hurry, I spied the familiar letters O-F-F, grabbed the aerosol canister, and zoomed down to the 'Glades. I couldn't wait to start the hunt. But since I was wearing shorts, I did pause long enough to holler to my friend to toss me the spray. I applied copious amounts to first one thigh, then the other. Then... Yow! Suddenly the foam of a thousand scrubbing bubbles was frying my skin. I thought I was on fire, but couldn't guess the reason as I ran to the nearby canal and jumped in, hoping a large 'gator wasn't parked there at the moment. The water eased the pain, and after some intense rubbing I finally limped back to the car. My friend was laughing his ass off as he handed me the aerosol can I had dropped in my haste. He shone his flashlight on its label. That industrial strength bug repellent was so powerful, it would probably have driven off hungry alligators! It was Easy-OFF oven cleaner. The skin on my thighs eventually sloughed off and healed. Despite this incident, hunting for snakes has been a lifelong passion.

Jokes son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of this father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Telephone Problem
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leolo said, No problem. How many nights? A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. No, that won't be necessary, Leola said. We trust you. The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers. Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel. Leola replied. We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.

Suicide?
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus... When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her Page 8

...In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

Star Trek Chickens
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness. Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it. Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir. Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads. HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off! Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe. Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre. Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault. Quark: Who, me? Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son! Troi: I feel the chicken's pain! Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians. Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist! Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of... yes, sir. The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated. Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug! B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer! Picard: There are four lights! Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer. Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir? Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional? Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time... did I scream this time? Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken... Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission. Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing. Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog. Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock! Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc! Spock: Fascinating, Captain. V'Ger: To join with the Creator. Page 9

Jokes The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction. Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them! O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it. Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and... Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this? Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do. Sulu: Don't call me Tiny! Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned. Mr. Homn: Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's... Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Star Trek Lost Episode

PICARD: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathway? GEORDI: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. GEORDI presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. RIKER looks puzzled: What the hell is a 'Microsoft'? DATA turns to answer: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate. PICARD: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity? DATA: Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions. PICARD: Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea. ... 15 Minutes Later... DATA: Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'. GEORDI: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase. PICARD: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed. DATA: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Jokes RIKER: Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F. GEORDI, excited: Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%! PICARD: Data, what do scanners show? DATA: Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity. PICARD: Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality. RIKER: Geordi, what's the status of the Borg? GEORDI: As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'. PICARD: How much time will that buy us? DATA: Current Borg solutions rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours. GEORDI: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector. PICARD: Identify. DATA: It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo! Over the speakers: THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY. DATA The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects. PICARD: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft! RIKER: Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?! DATA: I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits! RIKER and PICARD together horrified: LAWYERS!!! GEORDI: It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening. DATA: True, but apparently some must have survived. RIKER: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper. DATA: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' -- it often proves fatal. RIKER: They're tearing the Borg to pieces! PICARD: Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that. One word: Lightsabers. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class M or not. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

All in a Day's Work

Accountants
A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, G'day mate, can you tell me where I am?'. Yes, of course, says the motorist. You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometres from Condobolin. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you. At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, I see you're an accountant. Good Grief, says the other man, you're right. How did you know that? I employ accountants, says the balloonist. The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help. A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, What is two and two? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was twentytwo. The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, How much is two and two? The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, How much do you want it to be? He got the job.

Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe
In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

Administratium
A NEW ELEMENT IS DISCOVERED The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively, named ADMINISTRATIUM, appears to be very closely related to BUREAUCRATIUM - a known deadly poison.. ADMINISTRATIUM has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of O.

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Upon initial inspection, however, it does have: - one neutron, - 125 assistant neutrons, - 75 vice neutrons and - 111 assistant vice neutrons, which together gives it an atomic mass of 312. PROPERTIES * These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS. * It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization. OCCURRENCES Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Jokes The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations. Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again... It now says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!

Aviation
Blind Pilots
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.

Bad Day at Work

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was

Archaeologists
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A woman 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

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actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now, repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job... If you are not laughing by now, there is something seriously wrong.

Jokes The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, what did happen in Texas? The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home!

Credit Card Customer Service

Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......... This is just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is.... My Aunt died this past January. The bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00 I placed the following phone call to the bank: Me: I am calling to tell you that she died in January. Bank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply. Me: Maybe, you should turn it over to collections Bank: Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been. Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead? Bank: Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both! Me: Do you think God will be mad at her? Bank:...excuse me .? Me: Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead? Bank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor! (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January. Bank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply. Me: You mean you want to collect from her estate? Bank: .....(stammer) .... Are you her lawyer? Me: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info given... ) Bank: Could you fax us a certificate of death? Me: Sure. ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. ) Bank: Our system just isn't setup for death Me: Oh... Bank: I don't know what more I can do to help... Me: Well... i! f you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care.... Bank: Well...the late fees and charges do still apply. Me: 'Would you like her new billing address? Bank: That might help. Me: ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. ) Bank: Sir, that's a cemetery! Me: What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Cannibals
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. You are all part of our team now, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees. The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her? The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, Which one of you idiots ate the secretary? A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!

Carpet Layer
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. Who stole my horse? he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas! Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and sure enough, his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

Doctor Doctor
Cured
A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. Page 12

An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant? The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. Cured her hiccups though, didn't I ?

Jokes So, when he was rich and successful, he finally went and did what he wanted, he enrolled in a night-school course in motor mechanics. After his first practical exam, he was surprised to see his mark was 150 out of 100. Surely there had been a mistake? He went to see his examiner who happily told him no, he had indeed got 150%. But how can that be? asked the gynaecologist. Well, said the examiner, You had to find the faults in that engine, pull it apart, fix it, put it back together and get it running. You did that so well, you got 150 out of 100. But, said the gynaecologist, there were other blokes there who did the job just as well as I did. Yes, said the examiner, but we've never had anyone do it through the exhaust pipe before.

Doctor's Reports
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D. for the Journal of Court Reporting.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Heart Attack
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: I thought you said I had another 30 years. God replies, I didn't recognize you.

Medical Terms
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me. Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, you're just lazy. OK, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

Mental Health Hotline

Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital. "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Page 13

Gynaecologist
This bloke is a gynaecologist, but he's not happy. He never really wanted to be a gynaecologist, he'd been pushed into medical school by his ambitious parents. What he really wanted to be was a motor mechanic.

Jokes If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up! Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again? Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean You want a divorce?!? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. She's gonna blow. Everybody take cover. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Ol' Fred
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. He opened the note, and read, Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!

Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep. I have good news for you, the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over. Great, the man answered, I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot. A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before! I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. Those are the strongest pills on the market! That may be true, answered the man wearily, but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!!!

Upset Stomach
A man walks into his doctor's office and says, Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me. A voice from the man's stomach says, No, you haven't.

The Examination
Dr. Willis finished examining Matilda and went into the hallway to talk to her husband Bernie. I don't want to alarm you, he said to Bernie, but I don't like the way your wife looks at all. Me neither, Doc. replied Bernie. But she's a great cook and real good with the kids.

Employee Reports
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. I would not allow this employee to breed. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

The History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Better call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

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This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. He's been working with glue too much. He would argue with a signpost. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. One neuron short of a synapse. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Jokes Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do l start? What's the salary? I said, l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as you'll pay me more. I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one. He whistled when the interviewer was talking. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted his phone number. I called security. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

Job Interviews
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application. Brought her large dog to the interview. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview. Page 15

Letter from Internal Revenue

This is a real letter submitted to the IRS.

Jokes sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defence funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patios she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd / reggae / yuppie / political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican / Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she

Management
Bosses
Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done. Quote from the Boss... I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you. A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired. My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. My Boss said to me, What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too... but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project! HR Manager to job candidate I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions. Quote from telephone inquiry We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve, he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales were right down and he was at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor. The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

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About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, Prepare three envelopes.

Jokes who was cleaning latrines. Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute. The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, Kiss my ass! As the Seaman walks off, the Admiral turns to the others and says, Now THAT'S courage!

F14 Tomcat
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to Milk Duds, your sense of humor is broken. Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do Do Not Go!!! I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-feet, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. (T-minus 15 seconds and counting .... Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nineyear-olds waiting for him to say, We have a liftoff. Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. Bananas, he said. For the potassium? I asked. No, Biff said, because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down. The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot .. but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would egress me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We levelled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a

Names
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. What's your name? he asked the new guy. John, the new guy replied. The manager scowled, Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name? The new guy sighed, Darling. My name is John Darling. Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is...

Military
Courage
Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces. Ha!, said Army, My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it. Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute. Yes, Sir!!! the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells Hoo-ahh! and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact. That's nothing, the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute. And I want you to do it with style. Yes, Sir!!! the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact. Hmmph, the Marine growled. Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps was here, he said (yelling Marine Corps! as all Marines tend to do.) He calls a Lance Corporal over. Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud! The Corporal yells, Ooh-rah! by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells Semper Fi Do or Die! and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left. The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says, That's nothing. The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over

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vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie. And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down. I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. What is it? I asked. Two Bags.

Jokes Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Military Warnings
ACTUAL MILITARY WARNINGS Aim towards the Enemy. -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Army Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. -U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop If the enemy is in range, so are you. -Infantry Journal A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. -U.S. Air Force Manual Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo. -Infantry Journal Tracers work both ways. -U.S. Army Ordnance Five-second fuses only last three seconds. -Infantry Journal Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. -Col. David Hackworth If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush. - Infantry Journal No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. -Joe Gay Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once. -Anon Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. Unknown Army Recruit Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. -Your Buddies (And lastly) If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him. -U.S.A. Ammo Troop

Military Humour
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons . . . both Admirals. During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,"Yours is." Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Rum, Sodomy and Life Jackets

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. How would Nelson have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations.

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You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement. Order the signal. Hardy. Aye, aye, sir. Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this? Sorry, sir? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this? Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist. Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco. Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments. In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle. The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking. Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead. I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water. Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please. That won't be possible, sir. What? Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy. He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral. Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled. Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card. Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons. A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts? I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy. The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. What? This is mutiny. It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks. Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish? Actually, sir, we're not. We're not?

Jokes No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation. But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil. I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary. You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King. Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules. Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash? As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment. What about sodomy? I believe it's to be encouraged sir. In that case - kiss me Hardy.

New Job At The Zoo

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, What's the food like here? The other lions say, Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.

Office Idiots
It's amazing that some people survive long enough to become adults. These are pretty amazing: I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. 1st Person Do you know anything about this fax-machine? 2nd Person A little. What's wrong? 1st Person Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened. 2nd Person How did you load the sheet? 1st Person It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone

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else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this? Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too? I asked. No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk. Tech Support What does the screen say now.. Person It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready.' Tech Support Well? Person How do I know when it's ready? Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named i386. He started to type it and paused, asking me Where's the key for that line thing? I asked what he was talking about, and he said, You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. I replied, You mean the letter 'i'? and he said, Yeah, that's it! I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. And, one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various offices. At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine. One day there was a big backup. She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from punching three holes down the side of each copy. She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Jokes Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'Jon'.'

Pirates
The Seaman and the Pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, So, how did you end up with the peg leg? The pirate replies, We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook? Well,, replied the pirate, we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off. Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eyepatch? A seagull dropping fell into my eye, replied the pirate. You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? the sailor asked incredulously. Well, said the pirate, it was my first day with the hook.

Prison vs. Work

In Prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars. Page 20

Out of Office Auto-Replies

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.

Jokes Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

Reasons For Missing Work:

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning I took two Laxettes in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of spacetime continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly to all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. My stigmata's acting up. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Lion. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My step mother has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

Tool Definitions
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing new car seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt and screw heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Specifications
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

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Jokes PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a tool for spreading mustard or mayonnaise or you sandwich bread; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses inch too short. YUP, GONNA BE A BEAR!!!

Cats
Cat Physics
1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Animals
Bears
Gonna Be a Bear
In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too. When you are a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that! If you're Mama Bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. And he EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

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20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

2. 3. 4.

Jokes Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a powerwash and rinse. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

5. 6.

7. 8. 9.

Cat Rules
Things CATS Must Try To Remember! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching The X-Files. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Sincerely, The Dog

Cockroach
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.

Dogs
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours.

How to Clean Your Toilet

Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

Dogs and Lightbulbs

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Page 23

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants.... Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Jokes THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry....Eat a shoe.

Talking Dog
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap ? ?" Because he's a liar..... He didn't do any of that stuff!

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID. 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Rules for Dogs

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark-- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark... LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. Page 24

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. Kitty box crunchies are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Jokes Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. Oh, says the duck. I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint. And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. You should get it into your circus, he says. Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it. Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: You know, the circus is in town, yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you. Really? says the duck. Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily. Hang on, said the duck. You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you? That's right. That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle? Yeah! That's canvas, isn't it? said the duck. Of course, replied the barman, I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen. The duck looked very puzzled. What the heck would he want with a plasterer?

Ducks
Duck food
One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in. Do you have any duck food? the duck asks. No we don't got any duck food. Okay, thanks anyway, says the duck, and walks out. The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in. Got any duck food? he asks. The clerk is a little annoyed No! We don't have any duck food! Fine. the duck says and walks out. The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks Got any duck food? By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: No he yells We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!! All the duck does is turn and walk out the door. On the fourth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in: Got any nails? the duck asks. No we don't got nails. Well then, the duck says got any duck food?

Elephants
Elephant Hunting
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query: Page 25

Talking Duck
A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, Hey, you're a duck Nothing wrong with your eyesight, observes the duck. Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK says the barman. Guess your ears are fine, too, answers the duck. Now, can I have a beer please.

Jokes SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS WHERE CRITTER_TYPE = 'TERRESTRIAL' AND SIZE = 'LARGE' AND COLOR = 'GRAY' AND TRUNK = 'YES' AND ODOR IS NOT NULL; ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment. ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants

New Dinosaur
About 2 years ago a geology student in Arizona's Sonora Desert (the section known as the Chihuahua Desert) came across the bones of a 51-foot, 35-ton dinosaur--probably a brachiosaur--that lived about 100 million years ago. This is the only dinosaur skeleton found in southern Arizona. On the off chance it turns out to be a new genius of brachiosaurid they have a name already picked out: Sonorasaurus thompsoni. Their first choice for a name was Chiuhauhasaurus but they felt it wasn't an appropriate name for a 51-foot-long animal.

Pets
Dear Dogs and Cats, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted he following message on our front door. Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it furniture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids ... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Recall
An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. What did you do that for? asked a passing aardvark. Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago. Wow, what a memory! exclaimed the aardvark. Yes, said the elephant, turtle recall.

Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me.

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He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. Do you see that tree over there? YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Well...I didn't!

Jokes With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

Blonde Pets
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that? HelOOOooo, answered the blond. They're watch dogs

Blonde Jokes
Astrology
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon? The other blonde turns and says Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

Call the Auto Club

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down. A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator! she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes. Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. Never mind, giggles the blonde, I got in the back seat by mistake.

Attempted Suicide
A Blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off. How did this happen?, the doctor asked. Well I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied. Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? No, silly! First I put the gun between my breasts and I thought I just paid $100,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $24,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Blonde On The Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, We were the first in space! The American said, We were the first on the moon! The Blonde said, So what? We're going to be the first on the sun! The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up! said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!

Computer Accessories
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies, But, madam, computers do not have curtains. And the blonde said:, Helloooo.... I've got Windows!

Driver
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road? The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me! Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, Ma'am, that's your air freshener.

Blonde Parking in the Winter

Norman and his blonde wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through. Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through. Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park........... then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?

Exam
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers. Page 27

Fire
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive! The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump! say the firemen to the Redhead. Oh no! You re gonna pull the blanket away! says the Redhead. No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads! OK, says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, Jump! You have to jump! No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away! yelled the Blonde. No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away! Look, the Blonde says. Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...

Jokes When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, Just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, Bow-wow, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, Meow, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, Potatoes.

She Was So Blonde...

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She sat on the TV and watched the couch. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back. They had to close down the school to get her out of third grade. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked On Phonics. She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of the application, where it says sign here, she put Sagittarius. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. She studied for a blood test - and failed. She thought Boyz II Men was a day-care centre. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. She sold her car for gas money. When she saw the Under 17 not admitted sign on the front of the movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thinks that Taco Bell is a phone company. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport Left she turned around and went home.

In A Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it? She thought for a time and then asked, Is it on or off?

Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , PULL OVER! NO! the blonde yelled back, IT'S A SCARF!

Pilot
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this. After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan.

Prison Escapees
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.

Short Ones
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Jokes

Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

Eye ran this poem threw it. Your sure real glad two no. Its very polished in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a blessing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays comes posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checkers Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid too wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, There are know faults with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does not phase me, It does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft wear four pea seas, And why eye brake in two averse Buy righting want too please. Author Unknown

The Blonde and the Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: Okay, how about this If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what IS the answer? Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Bill Gates -v- GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bill's comments. General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on 4) Occasionally executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or Car-NT. But then you would have to buy more seats. 6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun. Reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads 7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light. 8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9) The airbag system would say, 'Are you sure ? ' before going off Page 29

You're Next!
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, shut up...you're next!

Computers
An Ode to Spelling Checkers
I have a spelling checker It came with my pea sea. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see.

10) .Occasionally for no reason whatsoever your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11) GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary). even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more 12) Moreover GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 13) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. And, finally....14. You'd press the start button to shut off the engine.

Jokes Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

Demo Version
Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the Pearly Gates. St Peter offers him a choice of afterlife, and invites him to take a look at both Heaven and Hell before he makes his decision. So Bill looks at heaven. There are sombre people singing hymns and praising the Lord. He then goes down to hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women, and drinks that never get you drunk. He likes what he sees and goes back to St Peter. Bill thanks him for showing him heaven, but says hell is really more to his liking. St Peter immediately returns him there. Bill is shocked to find himself neck deep in fire and suffering eternal torment. He can't work out what has happened. 'Hey, St Peter', he screams. 'Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches?' St Peter replies, 'I'm sorry if you got confused. That was just a demo version!'

Computer Company Toasters....

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a total possible worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it... or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em. And, of course...... If Microsoft made toasters...

DOS
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Buy a Pentium 586/166 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for very large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <------The information went data way----Best file compression around: DEL = 100% compression Definition of upgrade: Take old bugs out; put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted. Cereal Port Not Responding. The name is Baud.... James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 QUARTER=4 DOWN=2 YARDS TO GO=10 Access denied - nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah C:\> Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner! Bad command. Bad, bad, command. Sit! Stay! Staaay! Why doesn't DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename! As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don't NEED no stinking backups. E Pluribus Modem File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Page 30

Ethernet (n), something used to catch the etherbunny. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted; Re-boot Washington, D.C. (Y/N)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbour's Pentium. 24 hours in a day...24 diet cokes in a case...coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane. SENILE:COM found... Out Of Memory... Who is General Failure & why is he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. Shell to DOS. Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFN: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming.... and I can't hang up! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kebord awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press Fl to continue. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGIRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret - add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS. Press any key- no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Jokes 6. Answer calmly, Yes, and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. Feel better?

If Microsoft were in Alabama

Compiled by Thom Monticue Due to an unfriendly business atmosphere in California, many businesses there have been relocating to places like Atlanta and Montgomery. Imagine the implications! If Microsoft headquarters were in Alabama 1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-right, Naw, or Git, instead of Yes, No, or Cancel. 5. Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos. 6. The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse. 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitised drunk redneck yelling Freebird! 8. Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be Achey-Breaky Heart. 9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt. 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++. 11. Winders 95 logo should incorporate the Confederate Flag. 12. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz. 13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. 14. Four words: Daisy Dukes screen saver. 15. Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire... 16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator. 17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. Bubba) Gates.

Is Windows a Virus?
McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

Gender of Computers
Reasons computers must be female... As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. The message, Bad command or filename, is about as informative as: If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

How to Improve Your Day

1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it Housework. 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?

Microsoft TV Dinners
Instructions For Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product

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You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you >have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. Addendum to MS TV Dinner News, from the Chief Technology Officer, MSTVD: None of this will be an issue for MS TV Dinner98. A paradigm shift has changed the way we think of TV Dinners and Microwaves, and the new MS interface to TV dinners now owns the entire Microwave desktop, which will be henceforth known as the ActiveMicrowave*. This will allow a wide bandwidth for merchandisers and financier markets to gain a new and unique foothold on the consumer, providing access and services to every user in every home, right next to the julienne sliced carrots, corn bread and refried beans. Low-level interfacing with Web TV is now being beta tested in a local market of barca-loungers. Addendum to MS TV Dinner News: In case you were looking for the Manual, Microsoft no longer ships manuals with TV dinners. You must now use the Oven Help file which will be displayed on your microwave oven's 20-character information screen. This is actually much better than having manuals because it will always be current and you won't have to find a place to store it. You may, however, need to add more memory to your microwave oven, but it will work better with more memory anyway. You may also wish to consider getting a monitor for your microwave oven so you can read more than 20 characters of your help file at a time, and if you do that you might as well get an OvenCam so you can watch your food cook on the monitor. That's much easier than trying to see your food cook through all

Jokes those holes in the radiation shield. Your neighbours, who you know to be power cookers, probably already have one and are already enjoying their oven experiences more than you are. Follow up news article:
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif.-Aug. 1, 1997 - Sun Microsystems, Inc. and

Netscape Communications Corp. (NASDAQ: NSCP) today announced the developer release of the Java TV Dinner SDK, a comprehensive set of meal components and services designed to simplify preparation of dinner. Unlike platform-specific solutions, Java TV Dinner lets developers cook once, eat anywhere. I cooked dinner on my wristwatch and then crawled inside my microwave to eat it, said Marc Andreessen, Sr. VP of Technology at Netscape. Damn near busted the door off, but boy, was it ever convenient. Meal components include beans, peas, zucchini, nonfat blueberry frozen yogurt, penne pasta, and some leftover beef panang. IBM will provide a great big huge rare steak with potatoes and gravy and hollandaise sauce, and Oracle will provide that icky green stuff that you find inside a lobster shell. Services include spoons and knives. Forks will be provided in a future version of the product.

MS-Girlfriend
I'm currently running the latest version of Microsoft GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same Version of MS DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my MS Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Page 32

Jokes Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MS Mother-In-Law which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing MS Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season. RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work. Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks. Screen: What you need for black fly season. Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils. Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.

Technology Is Just Not For Everyone

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. 1st Person: Do you know anything about this fax-machine? 2nd Person: A little. What's wrong? 1st Person: Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened. 2nd Person: How did you load the sheet? 1st Person: It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it. I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this? Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too? I asked. No, just this remote 'thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk. Tech Support: What does the screen say now. Person: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'. Tech Support: Well? Person: How do I know when it's ready? My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just what state is it in? Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything bad would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, never mind and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named i386. He started to type it and paused, asking me, Where's the key for that line thing? I asked what he was talking about, and he said, You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. I replied, You mean the letter i? and he said, Yeah, that's it!

Oldest Profession
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world. The civil engineer interrupted, and said, But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?

Redneck Computer Glossary

486 MB: One of them fancy imported cars. Apple: If you don't know, I ain't tellin'. Byte: What black flies do. CD ROM: The furiner at the bank that sells retirement accounts. Chip: What to munch on. Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock. DIN: The noise at the barn dance. Disk Operating System: The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife. Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup. Enter: C'mon in! Floppy Disk: Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood. Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season. Infrared: Where the left-over's go when Fred's around. Keyboard: Where you hang your keys. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy Laser: Someone less ambitious than you. Line In: Whatcha do when you go fishin' or whacha dry yer laundry on. Log Off: Don't add wood. Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter. Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up. Mega Hertz: When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!) Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone. Modem: What you did to the hay fields. Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove. Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn. Port: Fancy wine. Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive. Program: What's on TV when there's reception.

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This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold? I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, This movie has been altered to fit your television screen. Comment from person: How do they know what size screen I have?
An ACTUAL dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

Jokes Because there's a power outage. A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Really? Is it that bad? Yes, I'm afraid it is. Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

The Daily Prayer

Our programs who are in memory, Hello be thy name. Thy Operating System come, Thy commands be done, At the printer as it is on the screen. Give us this day, our daily data, And forgive us our I/O errors, As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty. Lead us not into frustration, And deliver us from power surges. For thine is the Algorithm, the Application, and the Solution, Looping forever and ever. Return.

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. Went away? They disappeared. Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing. Nothing? It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? How do I tell? Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen? What's a sea-prompt? Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. Does your monitor have a power indicator? What's a monitor? It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? I don't know. Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? Yes, I think so. Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Yes, it is. When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? No. Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. Okay, here it is. Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer. I can't reach. Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? No. Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark. Dark? Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Well, turn on the office light then. I can't. No? Why not?

Virus Warnings
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses: COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack. Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:\. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism. ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

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Jokes GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii? I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state. I got a call from a man who asked, Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, No. He said But they look so close on the map. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? I said, No, why do you ask? She replied, Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection? After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, How do I know which plane to get on? I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them. A woman called and said, I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes. I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, Yeah, whatever. A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those. I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look,I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express. A woman called to make reservations, I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: Are you sure that's the name of the town? Yes, what flights do you have? replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere. The customer retorted, Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, You don't mean Buffalo, do you? That's it! I knew it was a big animal! Page 35

Windows 95 Defined
Windows 95: n.32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Ethnic Jokes
Americans
American Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat? The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat? The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired. The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine! The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

Jokes

Yankee Ingenuity...
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their worst programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English. Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English. Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add G'day, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, p***y-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, p***y-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting p***. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Antipodean Joke
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice. The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: In London we have so many ****ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

Aussie Tracker
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. Jacky, said the tour guide, what are you tracking and what are you listening for? The aborigine replied, Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat. The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. Goddammit man, how do you know all that? asked one. The Aborigine replied, I fell out of the freckin thing about half an hour ago.

Irish
Aerlingus
An Aerlingus jet was approaching a fogbound airport. They were unable to see anything and so had to depend on their instruments. Just before their wheels touched the ground the fog cleared and they could see the runway below them - with the boundary fence just in front of them. They could not take off again so all they could do was put the brakes on full lock, put full reverse thrust on the engines and hope for the best. The jet came to a stop with the nose up against the fence. Whew - that must be the shortest runway I have ever landed on said the pilot. The co-pilot looked out the side windows Not only that - it's also the widest

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of

At the Pub
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot. Page 36

Oh really, hmm, didn't know that. Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care! You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn. The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. I hear your St.Patrick was a transvestite faggot! Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you. Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. You're right. He is unshakable! The third Englishman said No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch. The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said... I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman! Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.

Jokes My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?. Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: SEAMUS, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET.

Pay Rise
Paddy and Shamus decided they were due for a pay rise, so they tossed a coin and Paddy got the job of asking the foreman for it. The foreman said I'd love to give you a raise, but the fact is, you really are not qualified enough to get one. What do you mean by that? The foreman placed his hand on the wall. Try to punch my hand, he said. As Paddy swung his fist, the foreman took his hand away and Paddy skinned his knuckles on the bricks. See - that's what I mean he said, and Paddy left the office. Outside Shamus was waiting and asked, Did we get the raise? Paddy shook his head sadly. Why not? Well, it's like this, Paddy said, and he put his hand up in front of his face, try to punch my hand... (This joke works best with actions)

Digging the Potato Patch

An ageing man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about it and received a reply, For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the Guns!!!!! At 4 a.m. the next morning a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what to do now? The reply: NOW just put the potatoes in.

The Irish Guide To Medical Terms And Their Meanings

Artery - the study of painting Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria Barium - what undertakers do after the doctors' treatment fails Bowel - a letter like A, E, I, O, U Caesarean Section - a district of Rome Cat Scan - searching for kitty Cauterise - made eye contact with her Colic - a sheep dog Coma - punctuation mark Congenital - friendly D & C - where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Genital - not Jewish GI Series - soldier ball game Grippe - suitcasee Hangnail - coat hook High Colonic - Jewish religious holiday Impotent - distinguished, well-known Labour Pain - getting hurt at work Medical Staff - a doctor's cane Morbid - a higher offer Nitrate - cheaper than day rate Node - well aware of Outpatient - person who has fainted Pap Smear - fatherhood test Pelvis - cousin of Elvis Post Operative - letter carrier Prostate - flat on your back Recovery Room - place to do upholstery Rectum - damn near killed him Page 37

Irish Air Disaster

Ireland's worst-ever air disaster occurred today when a small twoseater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Irish Cops
Paddy and Shamus were unemployed and looking for work. Shamus decided he wanted to be a detective, and so he went to the local Police Station to apply for a job. The police sergeant asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted a job as a detective. Let's see how much you know then - can you tell me who killed Jesus Christ? I don't know answered Shamus. Well, when you know the answer come back and see me As Shamus walked outside Paddy came up to him and asked Did you get the job? Not only did I get the job, but they've already got me working on my first murder case!

Lotto
A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble. His farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray. God, please help me, I've lost my Farm an if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto. Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Seamus goes back to the Church. God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well. Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!! Back to the Church

Jokes Rheumatic - amorous Secretion - hiding something Seizure - Roman emperor Tablet - a small table Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport Tibia - country in North Africa Tumour - more than one more Urine - opposite to you're out Varicose - nearby Vein conceited Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink: A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes". Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. Q: What is a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A - Under the vacuum cleaner. Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A - (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.' "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Jewish Mother's Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Jewish
Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid, asked Al, I wonder if there are any Jews in China? I don't know, Sid replied. Why don't we ask the waiter? When the waiter came by, Al asked him, Do you have any Chinese Jews in China? I don't know sir, let me ask, the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, No, sir. No Chinese Jews. Are you sure? Al asked. I will check again, sir. the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. When the waiter returned he said, Sir, no Chinese Jews. Are you really sure? Al asked again. I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. Sir, I ask everyone in kitchen, the waiter replied exasperated. We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!

Jewish and Taiwanese Pilots

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Taiwan Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After thirty minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, I don't like Chinese. The F.O. replied, Ooooh, no like Chinese?? Why is that? The Captain said, You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. The F.O. said, Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese. And the Captain answered, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter. They're all alike. Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, No like Jew. The Captain replied, Why not? Why don't you like Jews? Jews sink Titanic. The Captain tried to correct him, No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg. Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg.. no mattah.. all same.

Jewish Mothers
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us? COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written! MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that junk off the ceiling? NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me. ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids? GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye! THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed! PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew. And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

Jewish Humour
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

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Jokes ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something about your hair? MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years.

Mexican Bungee
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long? The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata' ?

Mothers and Daughters

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President, a Susan Weinberg. So the President-elect calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day. So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration? I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again. Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door. I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear. Oh mom, replies Susan, Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior. Honey, Mom complains, you know I can't eat those rich foods you that your friends like to eat. The President-to-be responds, Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, please, I want you to come. So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Susan Weinberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States? The Senator whispers back, Yes I do. Her brother's a doctor.

Wha's Like Us?

The average Englishman in the home he calls his castle slips into his national costume - a raincoat - patented by chemist Charles Macintosh from Glasgow, Scotland. En route to his office he strides along the English lane, surfaced by John Macadam of Ayr, Scotland. He drives an English car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop, a veterinary surgeon of Dreghorn, Scotland. At the office he receives mail bearing adhesive postage stamps invented by John Chalmers, a bookseller & printer, of Dundee, Scotland. During the day he uses the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell, of Edinburgh, Scotland. His children play on bicycles, invented by Kirkpatrick McMillan, a blacksmith of Thornhill, Scotland. He watches news on television, invented by John Logie Baird, of Helensburgh, Scotland, where he might hear items about the US Navy, founded by John Paul Jones, of Kirkbean, Scotland. Nowhere can the Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots. Having now been reminded too often about the prominence of the Scots, he turns to his Bible for comfort, only to find that the first person mentioned in that good book is a Scot - King James IV, who authorised its translation. He could turn to drink, but then the Scots make the best in the world. He could take a rifle and end it all, but the breech loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson, of Pitfours, Scotland. If he escaped death, he might find himself on an operating table, treated with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, or given chloroform, an anaesthetic discovered by James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland. Out of the anaesthetic he might consider himself 'as safe as the Bank of England', only to discover that great institution was founded by William Paterson, of Dumfries, Scotland. Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of Scottish blood, entitling him to ask the world, Wha's like us?

Three Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed new head Samurai. He sent a declaration out throughout the country that he was searching for a new head Samurai. A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor exclaimed, That is very impressive!. The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces. The emperor exclaimed, That is really very impressive! The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, After all of that, why is the fly not dead? The Jewish Samurai smiled and said, Circumcision is not intended to kill.

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Jokes

Family
10 Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff Tshirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy in Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands within plain view. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

The Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter

By W. Bruce Cameron Copyright 1998 When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid? As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.
Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

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date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early. Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Jokes 3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun. 5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. 6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. 7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. 8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. 9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm. 10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt. 11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. 12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. 13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie three times in a row. 14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys

Children as Pets
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it. Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before. You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away. Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

Boys and Girls

Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same Equal is not always synonymous with the same. Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

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One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you. Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

Jokes See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son? And he said, Not really, Dad. And I said, No? And he said, No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?

Dad, Why Are We Here?

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, Dad, why are we here? And this is what I said. I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands. We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole. We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go. We're here to wear our favourite sweat soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be. We're here to rake on a jack high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us. We're here to shoot a six point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning. We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying. I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't. We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goal tender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22 foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it. We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grand kids. Or to stand at the top of our favourite double black on a double blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.' We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake. I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's back roads. We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday. None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'Dang, I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -Age 6 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. -Age 10 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for The Queen of England. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -Age 10 Home is where the house is. -Age 6 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -Age15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5 I once thought that I heard the voice of God. It said Vrrrrmmmmm. It was just a lawn mower. -Age 11 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour. -Age 14 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be Page 42

until the looting started. -Age 15

Jokes 4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four. 5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow. 6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for the net. 7). Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven. 8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go to? YESSSS Scratch eight !!!!!! 9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishes !!! 10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm online. Scratch ten. 11). Fold laundry..... dang. Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear ?? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven. 12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work??? 13). Water the Christmas tree... Ooop's! Good thing the carpet is absorbent! Scratch thirteen. 14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen. 15). Pick up the kids...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. 16). Make dinner..... Easy, Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow. Scratch sixteen. 17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Still time for some webtime & a nap....... Man this is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick!

Fear
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I can't dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddy's room. A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, The big sissy.

First Parent
By Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was: Don't. Don't what?, Adam replied. Don't eat the forbidden fruit. Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it? It's over there, said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? the First Parent asked. Uh huh, Adam replied. Then why did you? I dunno, Adam answered God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is assurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Gross
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, Mom, look at this, and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth, pretending to eat them, before rushing out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed with a devastated look on her face. Mommy, where's my booger? she asked.

How to Handle a Husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, That's once. We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, That's twice. We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. Page 43

Housework
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you. 1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one. 2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two. 3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss? Think I'll go online for awhile.

I shouted at her, What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?? She looked at me, and quietly said, That's once. And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after.

Jokes I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. -age 9 I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. -age 5 I've learned that you should say your prayers every night. -age 9 I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. -age 6 I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts. -age, anonymous :)

I've Learned...
I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't. -age 8 I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate more. -age 6 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it mom makes me clean it up. -age 13 I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. -age 9 I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -age 7 I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. -age 7 I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other it scares me. -age 5 I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. -age 10 I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster because they're fish. -age 7 I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop what they're doing and wave back. -age 9 I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood. -age 8 I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look. -age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. -age 13 I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute.-age 10 I've learned that parents are very hard to live with. -age 12 I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke.--- age 8 I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is going on. -age 11 I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. -age 11 I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom. -age 10 I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy. -age 6 I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands. -age 13 I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. -age 10 I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. -age 8 I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing Silent Night. -age 7 I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball. -age 10 I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. -age 7 I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know the answer. -age 9 I've learned how to hold animals without killing them.--- age 5

Letter From Camp

Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Mr. Soaringsome is making us write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are ok only one of our tents and two sleeping bags and Steven's backpack got washed away. Luckily none of us got drowned, because we were all up on the mountain looking for Travis when it happened, oh yeah, please call Travis's mom and tell her he is ok. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps we never would have found him if it weren't for the lightning. Mr. Soaringsome got mad at Travis for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Travis said he did tell him but it was during the fire so he probable didn't hear him. Did you know that if you pour gas on the fire that the can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn but one of our tents did, also some of our clothes did. Mark is going to look weird until some of his hair grows back. We will be home Saturday. If Mr. Soaringsome can get the truck fixed it wasn't his fault for the wreck. The brakes worked ok when we left. Mr. Soaringsome said, With a truck that old ya haft to expect something to break down, that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat truck though he doesn't care if we get it dirty, if it's hot sometimes he'll let us ride on the tail gate. It gets pretty hot with ten scouts in the cab. He lets us take turns riding on the trailer, well until the highway patrolmen stopped and talked to him. Mr. Soaringsome is a neat scout master. Don't worry he's a great driver in fact he's teaching Chucky how to drive, but he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see are logging trucks. This morning all of us were jumping off rocks and swimming in the lake. Mr. Soaringsome wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Travis was afraid he'd sink because of the cast he let us take the canoes across the lake. It was great you can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Mr. Soaringsome isn't crabby like some scoutmasters he doesn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the truck, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble, guess what we all passed our first aid skill award when Jim dove off into the lake and cut his arm. We got to see how a tourniquet works, also Jim and I threw up, Mr. Soaringsome says it's probably just food poisoning from the let over chicken. I have to go now were going to town to mail all these letters and buy some bullets don't worry about anything. Love, Johnny ps How long since it's been that I had a tetanus shot?

Parent Poem
Poem for Mom and Dads Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

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I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot May I lie back--not have to think about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat. I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?) To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean-(well heck, I've got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know-I must have lost them long ago!

Jokes Section Five -- Answer the question and state why. (19 points) Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?

Parent Training
The things you wish someone had told you, or for those of us not yet encumbered by kids, a very effective method of birth control! HAVING CHILDREN? Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children.. Test 1 Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a Beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their Methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel... 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off 10) Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems. 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.. perfect! Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1) Wait 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. Page 45

Parent Test
How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions. No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90's? Get those # 2 pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people. THE PARENTING TEST Section One --- Estimate the total number of times each phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points each) 1] I don't care what the other kids get to do. 2] Somebody's going to get hurt doing that. 3] Now we're REALLY going to be late. 4] Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy). 5] Let's not discuss that at the dinner table. 6] Why is your brother (sister) crying? 7] Okay... but only five more minutes. Section Two -- Fill in the Blank (3 points each) 1] Tickle Me ____________. 2] 101 _________________. 3] The Berenstain _________. 4] Clifford, the Big _________ Dog. 5] _______________ Meals. 6] Please won't you be my _____________? Section Three -- Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points each). 1] Amoxicillin 2] Legos 3] Pull-Ups 4] Push-Ups ****** A] Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting. B] A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet. C] A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value. D] A disposable article which one swears will only be necessary for a few weeks. Section Four -- Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points each) 1] It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m. Where are your car keys? 2] She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right? 3] At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any slick manuevers, how will this be done?

6) Go out again. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. 8) Walk back up it. 9) Walk down it again. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.lang=ENUS> 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12) Retrace your steps. 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. 14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children Test 9 1) Hollow out a melon. 2) Make a small hole in the side. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look ? Test 12 Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting Mummy repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the Mummy tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it. 2) Stir. 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. 5) Do NOT change. You have no time. 6) Go directly to work.

Jokes Test 15 Go for a drive, but first.... 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls. 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car. 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. 5) For the really adventurous.... Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

Somebody Said
Somebody said a mother is an unskilled labourer. Somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath. Somebody said you know how to be a mother by instinct. Somebody never took a 3 year old shopping. Somebody said that good mothers never yell at their kids. Somebodys child never sent a baseball through a neighbours picture window. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her childrearing questions in books. Somebody never had a child stuff beans in her nose. Somebody said a mother always adores her children. Somebody never tried to comfort a colicky baby at 3 am. Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed & one hand tied behind her back. Somebody never organized 7 giggling Brownies into a cookieselling brigade. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labour & delivery. Somebody never watched her baby get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't have to tell her. Somebody isn't a mother. -Marshel Reed

The Housewife
A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. How are you, darling? it said. What kind of a day are you having? Oh, mother, said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight. The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. Oh, darling, she said, sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once. George? said the housewife. Who's George? Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 555-1374? No, this is 555-1375. Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number. There was a short pause and the housewife said, Does this mean you're not coming over? Page 46

Jokes

General Jokes
A Good Deed
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St.Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment. "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."

A Twist on Philosophy
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Answering Machine Funnies

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thoughtrecording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is Why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. Now you say something. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

A Mans Life
God created the mule, and told him: You will be a Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 30. And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him: You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years. And the dog responded: Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years. And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him: You are a Monkey. you will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years. And the monkey responded: Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years. And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him: You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. And the man responded: Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected. And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a fool to amuse his grandchildren. And it was so.

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Bad Luck
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the centre of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when

Jokes they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

Beautiful Sound
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him. We're sorry, the monks said. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.......... But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

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Jokes

Brain Surgeons
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Bubba
BUBBA There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, Boss, I know everyone in the whole world! His boss doesn't believe him, so he says No you do not know everyone in the whole world but Bubba says Yes I do! so Bubba's boss says Well prove it! then Bubba says Pick someone... and I know them! Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck! Bubba says Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids! but Bubba's boss says No you weren't! then Bubba says Yes we were! so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes Tom!!! and Tom goes Bubba! and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks Well that could happen, it's just one person, so he tells Bubba and Bubba says OK, pick somebody else! This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton! but Bubba says Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college! Bubba's boss says No you weren't! and Bubba says Yes we were! so they fly to Washington and they catch the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves Bill! and the President waves Bubba! and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-he can't believe it. But then he thinks Well that's just two people in one country-that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world! so he tells Bubba and Bubba says OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them! And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says The Pope! You do not know the Pope! and Bubba says The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me! and Bubba's boss says No he didn't! and Bubba says Yes he did! so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-without much luck-- so Bubba says Boss, were never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what-- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope! and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says Boss! Boss! Wake up! and when his boss comes to, he asks Boss what happened! Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when a nun standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!

A man spoke frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Is this her first child? the doctor asked. No, you idiot! the man shouted, this is her husband!
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system...
THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or I'll shoot, the man shouted, That's not what I said!
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants, said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Bumper Snickers (and other one-liners)

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? Have You Flogged Your Crew Today? Page 49

I'm the guy your parents warned you about. Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. Look out! Behind you! Half the people you know are below average. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. No matter where you go; you're there. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Be good; if you can't be good, forget it! Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. If at first you don't succeed, to hell with it. Save California; when you leave take someone with you. Humanoids should always wrap their lunch in a road map Life without bears would be unbearable. Who said things would get better? Things will get worse before they get better. Dyslexics of the world, untie! In theory, everything works. The trouble with work is - it's so daily. Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. Laughing Stock: cattle with a sense of humour. Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. Jesus saves...by shopping wisely and using coupons Save the trees... Wipe your butt with an owl. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Micronesia: a condition wherein you forget one little tiny thing. Black holes are where God divided by zero. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking. If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored. Nuke Unborn Gay Whales For Jesus! Anything that begins well, ends badly. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Life is God's way of preserving meat. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. I'm serious; it was a joke. Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...] The pants were very sad, they were depressed. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When in doubt, use brute force. Don't use force; use a bigger hammer. Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Love isn't love until you give it away. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium. Things get worse under pressure.

Jokes In God we trust; all others must pay cash. In God we trust. All others we monitor. If life's a trip, then where's my ticket? Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. It's bad luck to be superstitious. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid. I've no time to prepare a profound message. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Life's too short to dance with ugly men. Life's too short to dance with ugly women. Its bad luck to die on your birthday. If I promise to miss you, will you go away! I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. There's an exception to every rule, except this one. There's an exception to every rule, except this one. It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Having a good time can be deadly. Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. Wink. I'll do the rest. Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo. OK. So what's the speed of dark? Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. I do what the voices in my head tell me. Do we know that life has a cause? Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humour. Everything takes longer than you think. Never eat more than you can lift. Life is a terminal disease. MicroSloth: Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe. Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Since when is talking a sign of thinking? Page 50

If money could talk, it would say goodbye. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? God must love stupid people, he made so many. Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. No radio. Already stolen. Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! WHAT LIGHT?? I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE TUNNEL!!!!! How does Teflon stick to the pan? How does Teflon stick to the pan? CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. You always find something in the last place you look. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT. Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them. So many pedestrians, so little time. Getting old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Feel safe tonight... Sleep with a cop. <-- suicide passing side --> Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones. Life is a sexually transmitted disease. Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! Multi-tasking: messing up several things at once. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Most people make sense. I'm not one of them. Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something. I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles. Editing is a rewording activity. I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? It's not just reality that matters. Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. Boycott Shampoo. Demand real Poo! Rehab is for quitters. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse. Laugh at your problems, everyone else does. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Fun is just point of view. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn It's all a pigment of your hallucination. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening... but this wasn't it. Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction. Of all the people I know, you're one of them. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

Jokes Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively. I can handle pain until it hurts. Honk if you're overinsured My karma ran over your dogma. Promote pork, run over a chicken! * Clever is getting out alive. Hey you! Get out of the gene pool! A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Two wrongs are only the beginning. My rules apply only to other people, not myself. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. THANK GOD ONLY ONE CAN WIN A kibble is one thousand nibbles. Life is just one of those things. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Who cares who's on board? Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. You can't fall off the floor. Keep that sense of humour; it's critical. Impotence: Nature's way of saying No hard feelings Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! I'm objective; I object to everything. Never trust a nun with a gun. Illiterate? Call This Number for Help... Welcome to Texas, now go home. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. I like quality, not quantity. I just love nonverbal communication! Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? I brake for no apparent reason. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates. My mind was never what it used to be. Was today really necessary? If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Get out of my reality! Dijon vu--the same mustard as before. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Happiness can't buy money Page 51

Too close for missiles: Switching to guns. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and for profit. Will Rogers never met a lawyer. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry. Gravity always gets me down. Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Change a life; make someone feel important. Honk if you love cheeses. Honk if you love cheeses. If it's too loud, you're too old. If it's too loud, you're too old. Jesus is coming! Look busy ! Don't take me literally. No one is listening until you make a mistake. CAUTION: I drive like you do. Honk if you like peace and quiet. If, a two letter word for futility CAUTION - Driver legally blonde! Montana -- At least our cows are sane! 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. You can't be late until you show up. He who laughs last thinks slowest. There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. New with a K in front is a Canoe. Everything is possible; just not too probable. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch. It's an IBM; it's got an excuse. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it! When it rains, it pours. The ultimate reason is because. Your lucky number is 3234554 My Other Car is a Broom. My other wife is beautiful. 90% of everything is crud. Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful. He who hesitates is probably right. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. The 100% American is 99% an idiot. The unexamined life is not worth living. A good pun is its own reword. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. I'm Immature, disorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD... but I'm FUN. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself. The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. My child was Inmate of the Month at County Jail

Jokes God doesn't believe in Atheists. You've gotta' die in creative ways. Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. Everything is unimportant in some way. There's no future in time travel. There's no future in time travel. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking? Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... Life is too important to be taken seriously. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. If you're rich, I'm single. Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can It's only hopeless if you walk away. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. All men are idiots, and I married their King. I'm surrounded by idiots! Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof. I don't care, I don't have to. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. Sometimes I think I understand everything...Then I regain consciousness. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick. To err is human, to moo bovine. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? Gun control is hitting what you shoot at A fool and his money are soon partying. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. Constant change is here to stay Why do psychics have to ask for your name? Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. Don't you just hate rhetorical questions? Your lucky number has been disconnected. Your lucky colour has faded. I brake for hallucinations. If they outlaw guns, can we use swords? We do precision guesswork. Why should I grow up? This is more fun! Don't steal. The government hates competition. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Whoever has the gold makes the rules. IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. Where does it go? after I flush it. If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously. If you can't go first class, charge it. Personally, I'm not gifted, I'm weird. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. One good turn gets most of the blankets. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Page 52

It's only a game until you lose. drive safely: heaven's full I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier. Never play leap frog with a unicorn. Friends don't let friends drive naked. Imagination is the foundation of reality. He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O. Horn broken. Watch for finger. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Beer isn't just for breakfast any more. Looking to God for answers is premature. We're staying together for the sake of the cats. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex. If I can't fix it, it ain't broken. Eat Right, Stay Fit.....Die anyway! Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway. A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?? Nice guys don't finish nice. Reality is a figment of your imagination. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Reality is only fantasy gone stale. Death to all fanatics! All generalizations are false. If all else fails, throw up. When all else fails, lower your standards. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. I don't get even, I get odder. The buck doesn't even slow down here! Push something hard enough and it will fall. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. i souport publik edekashun. Life is uncertain, eat dessert first. Nothing is as easy as it looks. It's not my driving, I'm trying to reload CAUTION - BLIND DRIVER Wanna get stoned? Drink Wet Cement! In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Roosters crow, hens deliver. Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Jokes Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Born free...Taxed to death. Have a nice day... somewhere else. Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! Discourage inbreeding; ban country music. I Love My Country - But Fear My Government The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Any given program costs more and takes longer. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. If you can't convince them, confuse them. Death is the consequence of being alive. I'm not a complete Idiot, some parts are missing. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. I is a college student. Save the whales, collect the whole set. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged With Battery. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Speak softly, but carry an M16. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. When things just can't get any worse, they will. Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. Thanks for not BREEDING! Stupid People Shouldn't Breed. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. Repetition is always better the second time. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. Geez if you believe in honkus. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Being good at being stupid doesn't count. Is there life before coffee? Do unto others before they do unto you. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Excellent time to become a missing person. My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student. Smile... tomorrow will be worse. Page 53

If you can't be weird, why be? Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. Anything that begins badly, ends worse. Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards] Fight Crime: Shoot Back! Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes. Nothing ever goes away. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. Hugs don't feel as good on the computer. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Live teddy bears are best. Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors. Cute and interesting are two different things. Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God. Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book. Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! I'm an imbecile and I vote Be fruit fly and multiple. Life's a beach, and then you drown. Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. This is not an abandoned vehicle. This is not an abandoned vehicle. Thank God I'm an Atheist A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Avoid reality at all costs. It's been Monday all week. The only evidence against evolution are its opponents. Mother Nature is a bitch. Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization. Drive defensively, buy a tank. Paul Revere was a tattle-tail. Never go into a hug off balance. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Reality is all a point of view. Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in. The Universe is a figment of its own imagination. If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn? A mind is a terrible thing not to mess with. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Nothing is ever 100% So many men ~ So few bullets!

Jokes |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. Driver needs only $2.00 worth of ammunition per assailant, maximum I put the fun in dysfunctional. What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free? Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! Assist the Police -- Beat yourself up! Gravity doesn't exist - earth sucks! Don't be sexist - broads hate that Consider yourself hugged. Death is hereditary. Eschew obfuscation. Exxon Suxx. I Cayman went. Life is recursive. Why be normal? Be ridiculous. Death is hereditary. Now Accepting Compliments Boldly going nowhere There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a jeep) Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. My honor student will be your kid's boss. And payback's a BITCH! The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up. A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of) Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade! To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Health Idea: Otherwise known as Do you need an attitude adjustment? How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. Don`t take life so seriously....you'll never get out of it alive I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. When someone says, Do you want my opinion? - it's always a negative one. Roses are red Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Your kid may be an honours student, but you're still an idiot. When in danger, When in doubt, Run in circles, Scream and shout. Page 54

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill your drink. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you ! People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. Just because we are grown, it doesn't mean playground rules aren't in effect Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, an atheist and an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's really a dog. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam anyway. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. A friend will bail you out. A real friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying Wow that was fun Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then. If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind. Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. He that hurts me, but does not kill me, had better have damn good life insurance. Diplomacy is saying nice doggy until you can find a big rock. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car. Join the Navy, travel to exotic places, meet nice people, catch embarrassing diseases. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Jokes Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Life's a trip and then you run out of Travellers' Checks. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes. Feeling down?? Just remember that behind every dark and stormy cloud... is a ruined hairstyle and worms on the sidewalk Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. If you think you can get into my house and confiscate my firearms, You will be dead before you leave! I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...you can't wait to throw up. It's not when you get up, but when you get down. THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Of course I'm Drunk...Do I Look like a Bloody Stunt Driver? Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticise, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. My kid gave your honor student the answers to the final exam! I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men. And, lo, I say to you, it would be easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle if it was well greased first. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems? Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph. Amnesia used to be my favourite word, but then I forgot it. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass... Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. Page 55

It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God. I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. I love you more today than yesterday: Yesterday you really got on my nerves. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Relax---If we weren't meant to keep starting over.....would GOD have granted us Monday?? To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group Driver carries a.357 Magnum three days of the week- you guess which three! Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears. I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS. DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire. An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth. It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Not one shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important. Please hold. I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important. Please hold. I still miss my Ex sometimes... But my aim is improving. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. How do you tell if you've run out of invisible ink? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep. If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said Quit while you're ahead? Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.

Jokes Life is easier than you think.........all you have to do is: Accept the impossible, Do without the indispensable, bear the intolerable, and be able to smile at anything. Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island. I have not yet entered geezerdom, but I can see it from here When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it! Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep sh*t. I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. For all soldiers: Remember your equipment was made by the lowest bidder. I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out. You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal? I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hutt?? Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If it was going to be easy to raise kids...it never would have started with something called LABOR!!! The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. (Reported to be seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Page 56

Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now Revenge is a dish best served with a side of obsession and a nice tall glass of spite. How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing? The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it. If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give? I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them. If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a corvette driven by a drop-dead gorgeous blonde) I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. Motherhood is full of frustrations and challenges...but eventually they move out. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. Powers? I don't need no stinking powers, I've got a plasma rifle! You moved here to get away from high real estate prices, smog, and badassed traffic... Next time, try leaving it behind okay? I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it? When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted? It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said 'Not a bit.' If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it. My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Jokes This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: Where the hell is the ceiling?! It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining. When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-ofthe-fridge-is group. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. Back OFF - I Have PMS and a Handgun in the Glovebox When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice. Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people, kill them. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got. I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! !!! (men saying this are known to die a violent death.) Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Who wants to take over the world?!? Then you have to run it, which is stressful, tedious and absolutely no fun. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. If you parked any closer I'd need a can opener to get out! Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch. I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble. The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type. You know it's a bad day when... ... the sun comes up in the west. ... you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. ... you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ... your income tax refund check bounces. ... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. you wake up face down in the gutter you go to put on the clothes you wore home from last nights party - and there arent any The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails. I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want? I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty. Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. A rose can say I Love You...orchids can enthrall.....but a weed bouquet in a chubby fist............OH MY that says it all! Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying) TODAY is the TOMORROW you worried about YESTERDAY...and all is well. Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it. You Tolerate my trivia, Laugh at my lunacy, and Care when I cry..thats what I call TLC!!!!!!! Its not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road! Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley. Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

Jokes Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be. If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party? Don`t forget.....life is 10% how you make it......and 90% how you take it. I may be slow but at least I'm ahead of you! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Vehicle secured by mafia: You hit our car, we hit your car. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Camping
The father and his son went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the son said: Dad, look up into the sky and tell me what you see. His Father responded: I see millions and millions of stars. Son: And what does that tell you? Dad: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you? Son: Somebody stole our tent.

Cartoon Physics
Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look

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down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil. Cartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Cartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

Jokes When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity. Cartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for cool characters. Characters who are intended to be cool can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking. Cartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky. Cartoon Law Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behaviour of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground. Cartoon Law Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in C-spaces (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in cool characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Chimney Safety
(1999) A married couple wanted to keep their home fires burning, and decided to install a wood stove in their Granite Falls home. They figured it didn't take a rocket scientist to install this basic bit of heating hardware, so instead of hiring a professional, they brought the stove home and installed it themselves. They even remembered to cut a hole through the ceiling for the chimney vent. Unfortunately they neglected to extend the chimney through the attic to the roof. Pleased with a job well done, they settled down to a cozy evening in front of the fire. The inevitable happened. The heat and sparks built up in the attic and set their home ablaze, providing an unexpected source of warmth from above. Snohomish County firefighters extinguished the fire, and the couple returned to their home to console each other over their $8000 loss. But the fire was not quite out. Firefighters had failed to fully extinguish the fire, which started up again the next morning, burning the house to the ground. The husband and wife survived.

Chocolate
CHOCOLATE TIPS AND FACTS If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car... Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. Page 59

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer... But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is a balanced diet. Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings. The preservatives in Chocolate make you look younger. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Jokes Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' his head in a boot jack and jerkin' on his tail. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. When dealin' with a slick son of a bitch, start off by pinnin' him down and changin' his oil. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large Tbone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Corny
Local man found dead: A local man was found murdered in his home in Northern New South Wales over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks...Police suspect a cereal killer.

Cowboy Wisdom
Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life by Texas Bix Bender Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. Never ask a man the size of his spread. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'. A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle. Always drink upstream from the herd. Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgement. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Definitions
Definitions that Make Sense ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage. INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN Grape with a sunburn. SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

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TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES Something other people have. You have character lines

Jokes In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.

Epitaphs
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a.44 No Les No More. In a Georgia cemetery: I told you I was sick! John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

Food Tips For Bachelors

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator -- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to yourself,Can I eat this or will it kill me? Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss. THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

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FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a threeblock radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable spots that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one) CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Jokes Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization He who laughs last thinks slowest Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever, so far, so good If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states Quantum mechanics- the dreams stuff is made of The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes Support bacteria - theyre the only culture some people have When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with No one is listening until you make a mistake Success always occurs in private and failure in public The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive Two wrongs are only the beginning The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard The sooner you fall behind the more time youll have to catch up A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory Change is inevitable except from vending machines Get a new car for your spouse- itll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous- tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving isnt for you.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted later. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember that half the people you know are below average.

Groaners
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa

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Jokes Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an A bra. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw. How do you get two bagpipers in tune? Shoot one. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Stud Tires pit Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Miners Refuse to Work after Death Include your Children when Baking Cookies Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests Man Minus Ears Waives Hearing Child's death ruins couple's holiday Farmer Bill Dies in House Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Two convicts evade noose, jury hung Never withhold herpes from loved one Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies House passes gas tax onto senate War Dims Hope for Peace Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Queen Mary having bottom scraped William Kelly was fed secretary Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Organ festival ends in smashing climax Panda mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Milk drinkers are turning to powder Stolen Painting Found by Tree Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? NJ judge to rule on nude beach Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge Hospitals are Sued by 7 foot Doctors Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Child's stool great for use in garden Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy Dealers will hear car talk at noon Quarter of a million Chinese live on water Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Page 63

Headlines
Eye Drops off Shelf Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Man is fatally slain

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Air Head Fired, Steals Clock, Faces Time Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Jokes Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways Beer in one hand - Pizza in the other , body thoroughly used up, totally worn out,and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride! And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Healthy Lifestyle Hints

The Facts: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoabeans ... Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.??? Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: 'Round' is a shape!

History
A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME 3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times. 2900 B.C.- Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders. 1850 B.C.- Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries. 1785 B.C.- The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists. 1768 B.C.- Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June. 776 B.C.- The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day. 525 B.C.- The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a sixfooter with a moustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do! 410 B.C.- Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card. 404 B.C.- The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian. 214 B.C.- Tens of thousands of Chinese labour for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbour's dog out. 1 B.C.- Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year. 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment. 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

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1000- Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning. 1043- Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against. 1125- Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket? 1233- The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years. 1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox. 1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil! 1456- An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431. 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians. 1497- Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honour of himself...the United States of Vespuccia! 1508- Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows. 1513- Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it. 1522- Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom. 1568- Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible. 1607- The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as John Smith. 1618- Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live. 1642- Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education. 1670- The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom. 1755- Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in. 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out. 1763- The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost. 1770- The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night. 1773- Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbour. British call the act barbaric, noting that no one added cream. 1776- Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old. 1779- John Paul Jones notifies the British, I have just begun to fight! and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

Jokes 1793- Let them eat cake! becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said. 1799- Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine. 1805- Robert Fulton invents the torpedo. 1807- Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo. 1815- Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over. 1840- William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, Tippecanoe and Tyler too is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it. 1850- Henry Clay announces, I'd rather be right than president, which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning. 1859- Charles Darwin writes Origin of the Species. It has the same general plot as Planet of the Apes, but fails to gross as much money. 1865- Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender. 1894- Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics. 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there. 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves. 1911- Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole! 1912- People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back. 1920- The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop! 1924- Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble. 1928- Herbert Hoover promises a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage, but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages. 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938. 1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the moustache never came back to finish his work. 1933- Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off. 1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theatre. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either. 1934- As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born. 1938- Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII. 1944- Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped. Page 65

House Cleaning
THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you. SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that you accidentally locked the door and can't find the key. Of course, the locksmith can't possibly come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything.. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic and you won't have to. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW) This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

Jokes SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Time: 0 SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Include a personal note on every email you send. On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today. On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be Thor_god_of_Thunder@companyname.com Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. Come to work in your pyjamas. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. That's a good point Spanky. No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. Page 66

Jokes Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom. No matter what anyone asks you, reply Okay. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it IN. Plant a hedge around your cubicle. Grow mould in your coffee cup. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, I think my phone is ringing and leave. Go get a coffee. Determine how many cups of coffee is too many. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer. Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, Oh you've got to be faster than that. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas. When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

Outsourcing
CANBERRA, ACT - Peter Fyfe, Director, Residences at the University of Canberra and father of two, has announced plans to outsource his children to a private enterprise specialising in child rearing as part of his family's cost saving effort. Fyfe said that his request for proposals will go out very soon, and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place by Christmas 1997. Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses by hiring a company which specialises in the field. He believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such as school and activities, he should be able to pay a private firm about 75% of what he currently spends on his children. Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their current privileges, Fyfe has worked to alleviate their fears. He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A professional child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a rookie parent. The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with benefits at least the same overall level as they receive at home, with some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain core benefits, such as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves the non-core (music, sport, television) at the discretion of the contractor. The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the children initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at their parent's home; but, as space becomes available offsite, the children will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are desperately needed at home (for example, when the yard needs patrolling). The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but Fyfe told them that they would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belongings, get new books, 'perform' on their musical instruments or talk to, their parents. This would also allow the kids to visit their pet (one dog), at least until phase 2 of Fyfe's cost cutting spree, which includes outsourcing the family pet. Fyfe would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise the family in a better, faster, cheaper mode. Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised offsite, Fyfe convinced her to accept the scheme because she too was eligible for outsourcing.

Not Stupid...
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hubcap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realises the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there? The patient smiles and says, I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid.

Pet Rabbit
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died?. The guy stumbles around and says, Um.. no.. um.. what happened?. The neighbour replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

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Rules for Living

The Chief Medical Examiner for Commonwealth of Kentucky, Dr. George R. Nichols II, retired recently, and having investigated the deaths of over 12,000 people in the last 20 years offered the following 6 rules for living: 1. Wear your seat belt. 2. Don't stand in front of any bullets. 3. Don't do drugs. 4. Exercise -- some. 5. Eat and drink in moderation. 6. Do what you can do as long as you can do it because almost everything is determined by our genes.
Taken from the Lexington Herald-Leader September 2, 1997

Jokes for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a lessthan-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. there I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5 long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, no friggin' way! Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, don't do it buddy, reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twentytwenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, Page 68

So whos the dumb one?

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what? Junior said, Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!

Stress Relief
Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says, Have a nice day!, tell them you have other plans. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. Make a list of things you have already done. Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. Drive to work in reverse. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

Stupid
Dear Friends, My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this! Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and was looking for a little something extra

nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, do it again, do it again! (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were till twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Jokes The group is ready for some action. They're all set up. Their shotguns are loaded with duck pellets, and they have beer, warm clothes and a hunting dog. Still chugging down a seemingly bottomless supply of six-packs, the group considers how to safely dynamite a hole through the ice. One of these rocket scientists points out that the dynamite should explode at a location far from where they are standing. Another notes the risk of slipping on the ice when running away from a burning fuse. So they eventually settle on a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite out onto the ice. There is a bit of contention over who has the best throwing arm, and eventually the owner of the Jeep wins that honor. Once that question is settled, he walks about 20 feet further out onto the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the ready while one of his companions lights the fuse with a Zippo. As soon as he hears the fuse sizzle, he hurls it across the ice at a great velocity and runs in the other direction. Unfortunately, a member of another species spots his master's arm motions and comes to an instinctive decision. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: a trained Black Labrador, born and bred for retrieving, especially things thrown by his owner. As soon as the stick leaves his hand, the dog sprints across the ice, hell-bent on wrapping his jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object. Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at the dog, trying to get him to stop chasing the dynamite. Their cries fall on deaf ears. Before you know it, the retriever is headed back to his owner, proudly carrying the stick of dynamite with the burning 20-second fuse. The group continues to yell and wave their arms while the happy dog trots towards them. In a desperate act, its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his own dog. The gun is loaded with duck shot, and confuses the dog more than it hurts him. Bewildered, he continues towards his master, who shoots at man's best friend again. Finally comprehending that his owner has become insane, the dog runs for cover with his tail between his legs. And the nearest cover is right under the brandnew Jeep Grand Cherokee. Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits, and sink to the bottom of the lake, leaving a large ice hole in their wake. The stranded men stand staring at the water with stupid looks on their faces, and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain the misadventure to his insurance company. Needless to say, they determined that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered under their policy, and the owner is still making $400 monthly payments on his brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake.

Ten Again
A man asked his wife, What would you most like for your birthday? She said, I'd love to be ten again. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, Well, dear, what was it like being ten again? One eye opened and she groaned (now, finally understanding why he had done all this today), Actually, I meant dress size.

The Dog and the Jeep

A fellow from Michigan buys himself a brand-new $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for Christmas. He goes down to his favorite bar and celebrates by tossing down a few too many brews with his buddies. In one of those male-bonding rituals, five of them decide to take his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting expedition. They load up the Jeep with the dog, the guns, the decoys, and the beer, and head out to a nearby lake. Now, it's the dead of winter, and of course the lake is frozen, so they need to make a hole in the ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks and decoys. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake, and it is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice using dynamite. Our fellows have nothing to worry about on that score, because one member of the party works for a construction team, and happens to have brought some dynamite along. The stick has a short 20second fuse.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

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You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. The Chief of Police is always black. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Jokes Fish Tanks always get shot out, flooding the room, but then the fish just disappear.

Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

Indecision is the key to flexibility. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Three Bad Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, Humph, not much of a man, was he? The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.

True or False?
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. Page 70

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9 The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in An Officer and a Gentleman and Tootsie. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE! (Now go back and think about No. 16!)

Jokes MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the roadit transcended it. COLONEL HARLAN SANDERS: I missed one? DILBERT: I hate it when the title gives away the plot! J F K : Ask not what your chicken can do for the road but what can the road do for your chicken. DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads Without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody Told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the Road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES, I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of a Chicken.. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. ALBERT EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

Kids
Bedtime
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad... What? I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? No. You had your chance. Lights out. Five minutes later: Da-aaaad... WHAT? I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water?? I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!! Five minutes later... Daaaa-aaaad... WHAT??!! When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

MOSES: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway? DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

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Children
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, They will in a minute. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the Oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill. An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. How did that happen? gasped her mother. It wasn't easy, admitted the young lady, but three girls helped me catch him. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Mum, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white? A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. How did you know? his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think it's printed on the bottom. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor. A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher. She's dead. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face. Yes, sir, the boys said. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet? A little fellow shouted, 'Cause yer feet ain't empty. For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home? Tommy burst into tears and confessed, I think Mommy ate it! On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers. A little voice from the back of the room asked, How will that help?

Jokes A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. A child will not spill on a dirty floor. A young child is a noise with dirt on it. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children. Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home. Celibacy is not hereditary. Familiarity breeds children. For adult education, nothing beats children. God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once. God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. Having children will turn you into your parents. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbour, that's environment. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realise that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. Those who say they sleep like a baby haven't got one. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

Dear God
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling Page 72

words in the house? Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. Jane Dear GOD, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. Bruce Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Jokes Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

From the Mouths of Babes

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. It's the minister, Mommy, the child said to her mother. Then she added, Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before? ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this! DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes. SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. I'm just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk! BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he Page 73

fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, I think it's Adam's underwear

Jokes floored her grandmother by asking, Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin? A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife. QUEEN SIZE? A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words Queen Size. He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed! ANGRY AT THIS AGE? Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, Timmy, would you go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Kirkland is? A few minutes later, Timmy returned. Well, asked Mrs. Silver, is she all right? She's fine, except that she's mad at you. At me? the woman exclaimed. Whatever for? She said it's none of your business how old she is.

Kids
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: They couldn't get a baby-sitter. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife. A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, Who am I? Ready to play the game she said, I don't know! Who are you? WOW! cried the child. Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me! A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, Who was that? Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, Just bring them bread and water. One of the little boys looked up and quavered, Can I have ketchup on it? A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, No, I'm the lonely child. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wideeyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner! My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike? I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You're both old, he replied. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about? he asked. I don't know, she replied. I can't read. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she

Kids Views on Love

Kids' answers when surveyed about love... WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. Michelle, age 9 Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat. Dick, age 7 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour. Wendy, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. Andrew, age 6 No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. Mae, age 9 I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. Manuel, age 8 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. John, age 9 If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. Glenn, age 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. Anita C., age 8

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It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. Brian, age 7 Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. Christine, age 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. Greg, age 8 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much. Arnold, age 10 All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark. Sherm, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. Gavin, age 8 They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing. John, age 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television. Jill, age 6 Love is foolish... but I still might try it sometime. Floyd, age 9 Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place... We were behind a tree. Carey, age 7 Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. Dave, age 8 I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. Regina, age 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER Sensitivity don't hurt. Robbie, age 8 One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. Ava, age 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. Del, age 6 Shake your hips and hope for the best. Camille, age 9 Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs... and don't worry if their parents are right there. Manuel, age 8 Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. Alonzo, age 9 One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. Bart, age 9

Jokes HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. Bobby, age 9 Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...Other people care more about the food. Bart, age 9 Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. Sarah, age 9 See if the man has lipstick on his face. Sandra, age 7 It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire. Christine, age 9 HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED? I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses. Gina, age 8 HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. Julia, age 7 You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. Brian, age 7 It might help to watch soap operas all day. Carin, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7 It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you... That's why I stopped doing it. Tammy, age 7 If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission. Roger, age 6 I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it. HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. Dick, age 7 Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love. Erin, age 8 Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. Dave, age 8 Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch. Natalie, age 9

Kids Views on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

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No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

Jokes Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7 Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13 Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8 Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Kids Wisdom
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

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Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.

Jokes The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.

Learnt From Kids

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite, A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 X 20 foot room. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-yearold. Duplo blocks will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer. The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

Little Johnnys Bike

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God,and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1....................... Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2:..................... Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Johnny. Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: . Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen and began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4:................................ I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed YOU KNOW WHO

The Middle Wife

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher. I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and Page 77

Jokes usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model aeroplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. "She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-centre! , so there must be a lot of stuff; inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-andtell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Language
10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre (airplane). 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Anagrams
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. The last one is too perfect to believe. Dormitory Evangelist Desperation The Morse Code Slot Machines Animosity Mother-in-law Snooze Alarms Alec Guinness Semolina The Public Art Galleries A Decimal Point The Earthquakes Eleven plus two Contradiction This one's truly amazing: To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. And the Anagram: Dirty Room Evil's Agent A Rope Ends It Here Come Dots Cash Lost in 'em Is No Amity Woman Hitler :) Alas! No More Z's Genuine Class Is No Meal Large Picture Halls, I Bet I'm a Dot in Place That Queer Shake Twelve plus one Accord not in it

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking...

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favourite cake just for me, and I knew that little things are special things. When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always talk to. When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night, and I felt loved. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked... and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

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In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. And for the grand finale: That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong The Anagram: A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Jokes Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master... Master, Master!.......The Hills are alive with the sound of music!! A Patriotic Pun There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the cold war. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so their cells could be neutralized. It was Paris, where restaurants were the thing, and the Russians always met in a restaurant. However, our friends did not know, at any particular time, just what restaurant. Therefore, they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. In order not to be suspect they had to eat at all of the restaurants, so they practiced, if you will, bulimia for Uncle Sam. Because of the pressure, and because of the fact that they were siblings, they were constantly bickering and were noticed. However, nobody ever thought that they were CIA spies, so they were very successful and many, many Russians were apprehended. It was time for their annual performance appraisal which read: They're dutiful voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne. The Pirate's Treasure A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island. Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep! The Jester Once upon a time there was a king and a jester. Now, the jester loved puns and annoyed the king with them all day long. Finally, the king was so fed up that he said, If you don't stop with the puns, I'll be forced to hang you! What was the jester's reply? Well, no noose is good noose! They hung the jester the next day. The Shaggy Dog Bite In all the world no man was more blessed than Khu, the Grand Shan of Tartary--nor more cursed. None exceeded him in power or riches, the breadth of his domain, the virtues of his wife, and the vices of his concubines. Such were his blessings, but heed ye his curse. For Khu, the Grand Shan, suffered from epilepsy, which men call the falling sickness--an affliction of sudden seizures, of convulsions occurring without warning. Like many great rulers, the Shan had enemies. And it remained for one, whose name was Ling-Po, to discover the cause of his curse. The Shan, a learned and intelligent man, was unusually sensitive to crude japes and mindless jests. It was on occasions when he was exposed to such idiocies-most notably in the form of puns--that he became enraged, and thus responsive to his seizures. Knowing this, Ling-Po devised what is called, in the heathen lands of the West, a shaggy dog story--a witless and revolting piece of nonsense designed to lead the unsuspecting reader to a punch line in the form of a truly disgusting pun. This particular story might well sicken any reader--and in the case of someone susceptible to epileptic seizures, it might even bring about his death. Ling-Po inscribed his work on a scroll of parchment inserted in a

Bad Puns
Noah One day God calls down to Noah and says, Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark. Noah replies, No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the boss... But God interrupts, Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other. 20 DECKS! screams Noah. Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time? Yep, that's right, well... sort of right... this time I want you to fill it up with fish, God answers. Fish? queries Noah Yep, fish... well to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp! Noah looks to the skies. OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark? Check. With 20 decks, one on top of the other?. Check. And you want it full of Carp? Check Why? asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether... Dunno, says God, I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark. The Sound of Music Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly, without warning, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road; after a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?? I'm sorry, replied the hunchback, but we don't have a phone. My Master is a doctor; come in and I will get him. Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory. With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion. Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch.

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Jokes golden tube, and personally presented it to the Shan as a birthday gift from an anonymous admirer. Presently it came to pass that the Shan unrolled the scroll. Ling-Po waited, his heart pounding in uncertainty as the Shan began to read. Would the Shan indeed experience an epileptic seizure when he came upon the filthy pun at the end? The reading concluded, and for a moment Ling-Po waited, wondering if he had failed. But he need not have worried, once the pun was read. For it was then that the fit hit the Shan. Safari Two safari guides in Africa were having a drink on the veranda and watching the sun go down when they became engaged in an argument over which was the better guide. Since each simply refused to believe the other's hunting stories they were unable to resolve the dispute themselves. They decided the only way to decide was to hunt the very next day and the first of them to kill a lion would win the distinction. A bet was also made that the loser must buy the winner a pint of his favourite whisky. At dawn the next morning one hunter was off with his bearers, beaters, Land Rovers, and all of the other equipment needed for a successful hunt. All this while the other hunter was sitting on the veranda, his feet up on the railing, watching the hunters leave and drinking his morning coffee. The hunter on safari hunted high and low all day and just before dark finally was able to surround a lion with his native hunters and beaters. As the circle became tighter and tighter the lion finally broke cover and ran into the open. The hunter drew a careful bead on the lion and just as he was about to squeeze off the killing shot, the other hunter suddenly swooped over the hunting site in an airplane, pulled out a machine gun and shot and killed the lion thus winning the bet. The hunter on the ground was outraged. Back at the lodge he confronted the other hunter about his poor sportsmanship and his lack of honour to the spirit of the challenge. When asked to explain himself the winner said I don't understand why you are so upset. I thought everybody knows the shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me? The doctor replies: It's very simple. You're two tents. Rudolph the Red There once was a Communist named Rudolph the Red. One day he looked outside his window and said It's going to rain! His wife asked him: How do you know? He answered: Well . . . Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear. After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. It was difficult at first, the man replied, but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour. The passenger was astonished. A paramour? he said, Does your wife know? Sure, said the Southerner. She doesn't care how I cut the grass. It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop... Sects! Sects! Sects! said the first monk to the second. Is that all you think about? Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He had to buy a duet-yourself kit. Et tu, Brute? John, a security guard at an industrial plant, was at work the other night, when he heard that the janitor, an old man named Beezer, had fallen and hurt his back. So John called the First Aid crew, got a stretcher, and went to carry Beezer out. Well, the two medics were big jokers and started spinning beezer around in circles. John looked back and said Stop that. We come to carry Beezer, not to daze him.

English Lesson
We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice, But the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen? The cow in the plural may be cows or kine, But the plural of vow is vows, not vine. And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? If the singular is this and plural is these, Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese? Then one may be that, and three may be those, Yet the plural of hat would never be hose; We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim! So our English, I think you will all agree, Is the trickiest language you ever did see. I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through? Well done! And now you wish, perhaps To learn of less familiar traps? Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. And dead; it's said like bed, not bead; For goodness sake, don't call it deed! Watch out for meat and great and threat, (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt) A moth is not a moth in mother. Nor both in bother, broth in brother. And here is not a match for there. And dear and fear for bear and pear. And then there's dose and rose and lose -Just look them up -- and goose and choose. And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword. And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start. A dreadful language? Why, man alive, I'd learned to talk it when I was five, And yet to write it, the more I tried, I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

EuroEnglish
Time's Press Feb 11, 1999 EuroEnglish The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

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In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and W by V. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas!!!

Jokes wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. Page 81

Health Secret
The truth finally revealed... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. Australians. British. or Canadians. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians. 4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British or Canadians. 6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

International English
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of

Jokes In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking - Here speeching American.

Some Thoughts On The English Language

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Learning Chinese
Want to learn some Chinese phrase... Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... English phrase Are you harboring a fugitive? See me A.S.A.P. Stupid Man Small Horse Your price is too high!! Did you go to the beach? I bumped into a coffee table I think you need a facelift It's very dark in here Has your flight been delayed? That was an unauthorized execution I thought you were on a diet This is a tow away zone You are not very bright I got this for free I am not guilty Please, stay a while longer They have arrived Stay out of sight He's cleaning his automobile Chinese Interpretation Hu Yu Hai Ding? Kum Hia Nao Dum Gai Tai Ni Po Ni No Bai Dam Ting!! Wai Yu So Tan? I Bang Mai Ni Chin Tu Fat Wai So Dim? Hao Long Wei Ting? Lin Ching Wai Yu Mun Ching? No Pah King Yu So Dum Ai No Pei Wai Hang Mi? Wai Go Nao? Hia Dei Kum Lei Lo Wa Shing Ka

The English Language

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn: We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it.

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

Meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

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The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Jokes the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. This is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see what is called an electric bulb, remember that it is really a Dark-Sucker.

Exam Answers
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, Am I my brother's son? 3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. 9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. 10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus. 11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. 12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. 14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. 15. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah. 16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. Page 83

Its Academic
Bribery
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, A dollar per point. The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Dark Suckers
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark-Suckers. The Dark-Sucker Theory and the existence of dark-suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark-Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark-Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark-Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark-Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. As it is with all things, Dark-Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark-Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark-Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark-Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark-Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark-Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark-Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark-Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle-type Dark-Sucker. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. 20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand.. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. 23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation 24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. 25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. 26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. 27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. 29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. 30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus

Jokes McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. 32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. 33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the ArchDuck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Exams
Cakes and Ale Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale. Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Flagpole
The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building. The professor of English walking by asked, What seems to be the problem? We, said the professor of mathematics, were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole. The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, It is exactly 20 feet long, and walked away smoking his pipe. Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, Smart alec. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!

How Gullible Are We?

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. And for plenty of good reasons, since it can: 1. cause excessive sweating and throwing up 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion Page 84

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumours of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Fortythree said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, How Gullible Are We?

Jokes The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick... in the head. You might have something contagious. Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions. So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, What's up? You seem very happy. Yup, I just finished my thesis. Congratulations. What's it about? 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.' Are you sure? That doesn't sound right. Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself. So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion. The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.

Late for Exam

Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as Bonkistry. He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. Cool they thought, this is going to be easy. They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. What is the big brass gong and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work? the friend asked. Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an earshattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!

Rabbit Thesis
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her. I am going to eat you for lunch!, said the fox. Wait! replied the rabbit, You should at least wait a few days. Oh yeah? Why should I wait? Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.' Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit. Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch. You really are crazy! But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her. Wait! yelled the rabbit, you can't eat me right now. And why might that be, my furry appetizer? I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'

Lightbulb Jokes
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ``This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ``A <...> consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks.'' A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many ``pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Page 85

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A': None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; assholes never see the light anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A'': Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Jokes A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!! Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's ``Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny! Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark. A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) Note: FSE's are ``Field Service Engineers.'' Q': How long will it take? Page 86

A': That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. Q'': What if you have two dead bulbs? A'': They replace your fuse box. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ``Fabulous.'' Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a load of light bulbs! Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (``That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'') Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?'' Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A'': One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A''': In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes: Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986 Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.

Jokes A': Only one. ``Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?'' Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb. Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A': It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW! Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them.

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Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly collared machine tools. Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again. Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ``Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?'' Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ``Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.) Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him. Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A'': One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A''':None. Zen masters carry their own light.

Jokes If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Mother nature is a bitch. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Every solution breeds new problems. Murphy's Law of Research Enough research will tend to support your theory. Murphy's Law of Copiers The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance. Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics Things get worse under pressure. The Murphy Philosophy Smile... tomorrow will be worse. Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws Everything goes wrong all at once. Murphy's Constant Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Murphys Laws of Combat

The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. A head shot at 600 metres is nature's way of telling you your camouflage is poor The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection; No inspection-ready unit ever survived combat. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid The enemy diversion you are ignoring is probably their main attack Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. If your attack is going really well it's an ambush If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. Never share a weapon pit with anyone braver than you Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder Try to look unimportant - they may be low on ammo If the enemy is in range, so are you When in doubt - empty your magazine Tracer works both ways The easy way is always mined Suppressive fire..... isn't Page 88

Murphy's Laws
Murphys Laws
Nothing is as easy as it looks. Everything takes longer than you think. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Jokes Recoilless rifles..... aren't Incoming fire has the right of way. Friendly fire..... isn't If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in contact If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. Teamwork is essential - it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth Q: What year? A: Every year. Q. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? Q. Were you present when your picture was taken? Q. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q. You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there. Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q. Did he kill you? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q. And where was the location of the crash? A: approximately milepost 499 Q: And where is milepost 499 A: Somewhere between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8.30pm Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at that time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q....any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A. The victim lived. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? A. I could see his head. Q. And where was his head? A. Just above his shoulders. THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too. Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember Page 89

Order in the Court

Anglicare
The local Anglicare office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way? The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Embarrassed, the Anglicare rep mumbled, Um... No. Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? The stricken Anglicare rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, Leaving her penniless with three children? The humiliated Anglicare rep, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea... On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, ...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!

Court Transquips
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.... Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? Q. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Jokes his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35 I can't remember which Q: How long has he lived with you? A: forty five years Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. Yes, I have been since early childhood. Verdict After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges. The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me. Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch. Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A. She is my daughter. Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? Q....and what did he do then? A. He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse? The coroner said, No. The attorney then asked, Did you listen for a heart beat? No. Did you check for breathing? No. So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you? The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. Q. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you committed suicide? A. Four times. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, Where am I Cathy? Q: And why did that upset you? A: Because my name is Susan. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show? Witness: There were traces of semen. Lawyer: Male semen? Witness: That's the only kind I know of. Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. Would You Please Clarify That? After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, Has the jury reached a verdict in this case? Yes, we have, your honor, The foreman responded. Would you please pass it to me, The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. Page 90

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, Please read your verdict to the court. We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery. stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, So, what do you think about that? The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back? Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch and she did! From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: No before the accident A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. Q. Do you drink when you're on duty? A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you? A. Yes, sir. Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Jokes Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q. It was covered? A. Yes, bandaged. Q. Then, later on.. what did you see? A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me. Q. Did he kill you? A. No.

Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,', said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the....... I didn't ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted, just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' Farmer Joe said, Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... The lawyer interrupted again and said, Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie. Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Beside moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

Lawyers
How Not to Question a Witness
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer... In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

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She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he Pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll jail you for contempt."

Lawyer Jokes
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. " Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Jokes part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (New Light Bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as Partnership.

Would You Please Clarify That?

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, Has the jury reached a verdict in this case? Yes, we have, your honor, The foreman responded. Would you please pass it to me, The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, Please read your verdict to the court. We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery. stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, So, what do you think about that? The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

Police Jokes
5 Soldiers 6 Police 0 Brains
(Early 70's, Belfast, Northern Ireland) In the early 70's, an undercover Military Intelligence squad was patrolling a notorious Belfast area in plainclothes. After the perilous evening, they emerged onto a York street and stopped for petrol and a few smokes. One of the soldiers asked the attendant if there was a pay phone, and the attendant pointed to the rear of the store. As the soldier turned towards the phone, the attendant caught the flash of a concealed weapon. Alarmed and fearing a terrorist holdPage 92

Lightbulb
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as Lawyer, and the party of the second part, also known as Light Bulb, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second

up, he vanished into the back room, where he phoned the local police station 100 yards up the street. But instead of phoning the front desk, which would have known of a military patrol in the area, he phoned a pal in the CID. The CID was excited by the thought of a good action going down, and they also failed to consult with the local police. They drove out, mob handed, to rescue their friend from terrorists. The soldiers were just preparing to leave the petrol station when a car screamed to a halt across the street and disgorged six plainclothes policemen brandishing an assortment of weapons. Believing they where under attacked by terrorists, the soldiers drew their own weapons, dove behind their vehicle, and opened fire. The police returned fire in earnest. For good measure, an off-duty officer around the corner drew his weapon and fired four shots in the air. The exchange lasted many minutes before a lone voice sounded, Stop! Police. Another voice shouted back, Cease Fire! Army. Over 100 rounds were fired across the busy intersection during the exchange. Not a single person was hurt, and the story was kept from the media to protect the identities of the intelligence officers involved.

Jokes A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, What can I do for you? I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink? Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signalling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have? Driver's license and registration, please.

Klutzy Crook
(February 1998) ATM's have become a popular target for thieves. The law of averages demands that some attempts end unsuccessfully. Our hero started out like most: He knew that in order to win the prize, he needed to get at the back of the machine. He pried it away from the wall with difficulty. As soon as he had enough clearance, he wriggled behind and started working on removing the rear panel. At this point, the watchful reader will have noticed a few problems with his logic. 1. He has completely ignored the video camera. 2. A silent alarm is triggered if the machine is moved. Furthermore, the ATM in question is three minutes away from a police station. As the sirens neared, our novice criminal decided to hide. When the police arrived, they saw that the machine had been tampered with, and assumed that the thief had fled. They secured the area and called in a forensics team. The forensics team was dusting for fingerprints when a very loud ACHOOO! from behind the ATM. In summary, the klutzy crook was videotaped, left fingerprints, and he hid behind the ATM.

911 Calls
The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls: Caller: I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name. Caller: I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it. Call-taker: Is the deer alive? Caller: Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN! Caller: Am I talking to a real person, or is this a recording? Caller: We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough). Caller: Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it? Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): Get the keg outta here, dude! Caller: He's not breathing! Call-taker: Can you get the phone close to him? Caller: WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too? Call-taker: Does she have any weapons? Caller: Well, she has real long finger nails. Call-taker: We'll need a description of him. Caller: He's a lawyer. Caller: No, she just didn't fall...I helped her! Complaint about a stolen mailbox: Call-taker: What is your address? Caller: It's gone.

Murpys Laws of Policing

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off. Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift. You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station. Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud. The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke. Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is Boom-Boom. If you park your patrol car in the exact centre of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction. Coffee machines only break down on the graveyard shift. Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts. You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.

How to impress a cop....

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The first guy rolls down the window and says, How can I help you? I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat? With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

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Jokes To error is human, to forgive is against department policy. You will find a police discount one day before payday. Shatterproof flashlights seldom are. You will remain in perfect health until your days off. Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you. No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas. Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break. The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you. Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day. Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours. Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff. You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions. If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you. The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer. Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy. Bullet proof vests might be. The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat. Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit. Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density. Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket. NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet. Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way. You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training. The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting. Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done. Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder. You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation. In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks. Do unto others, but do it first. Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway. You will be called into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake. Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat. Waterproof boots aren't. You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diarrhoea You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off. There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear. There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives. You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray. You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day. To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible! Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you offduty. The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee! No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog. On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk. When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and lack of attention drivers are driving on the road. You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation. Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection K-9 units only do stupid thing's in public The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit. Court will be cancelled only after you have changed all your plans to be there. You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work. When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing! The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it. You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station. Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime. It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do. Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency. Crime only occurs on days that end in y You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year

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Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage. When placing cuffs on a suspect, you will always close them to the point that it takes half an hour to back them up so blood can circulate. The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call. Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase. The only time Chief's come out from behind their desk is to overreact! After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken. Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift. Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH You will always get a Hot call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail. For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it. The one time you order that expensive lunch is the only time you are told by dispatch to break for a hot call, right after the food is served of course The one unimportant fact that you forget to record at a crime scene will be the one that the defence cross examine you about and that the prosecutor tells you is Crucial to this case! Out of 10 traffic stops, the violator you gave a warning to instead of a cite is the one who file a personnel complaint against you. After taking a sign language course, you use sign to a deaf driver and citizens call the station to complain about seeing you doing strange things and touching yourself on a traffic stop. The intensity and number of war stories told is inversely proportional to the street experience of the storyteller. Anyone who doesn't notice an unmarked car is probably not doing anything illegal anyway. Anyone opting for a foot chase is always carrying at least 20 pounds less than you are. Your time is always less important than the time of the judge and prosecutor. Equipment always fails at the most inopportune time .. usually right after you've checked to make sure it's working. When a cop does something right, no one remembers; When a cop does something wrong, no one forgets. The big pay raise will always come next year. One day YOU will know why your FTO was so picky and cranky. No matter how quiet the radio has been, an emergency call will be dispatched in your beat just after you stop your first car of the night. You only lock yourself out of the squad car, when your portable radio is not working. On the day you make the felony arrest of your career, just as the news mini cams arrive your zipper will break. No good deed goes unpunished The only time there is paper in the dispenser at the station is when you don't need it. When you come to the last form in the file, only you will burn copies of it. Departmental Intelligence Units....aren't very.

Jokes The higher the oath, the bigger the lie...except when your Sergeant is telling the story. Just when you get a nice brand new squad car, the first offender you pick up is going to be a drunk that will get sick in the car. The only consistent thing about any law enforcement agency, will be its inconsistency. When you get old, with lots of experience, and need the peace and quiet, they will pair you up with a rookie! The first bad-guy your trainee decides to tick off will have at least three black belts in three different martial arts. What is said in the patrol car stays in the patrol car. Unless it was said in the patrol car. There is a code of silence in law enforcement. Until Internal Affairs, the news media, and lawyers get involved. Looking good in uniform more than compensates for incompetence. When you are late for work and in a hurry to iron your uniform shirt, the power system will fail suddenly. The time you need to transmit on the radio comes immediately after you have taken a big bite of your lunch Rookies will ask the Dispatcher Do we have a clear channel? on the radio only when you are clearing a house on an alarm call!! You only need assistance in a hurry when you are in the part of town your radio doesn't work in. Your portable radio will only malfunction when you have accidentally set off your car horn, which remains stuck, as you follow the Hell's Angels down the freeway on your way to work Your alarm clock is guaranteed to break, making you late for work, the day after you receive a department-wide memo regarding attendance policy and punishments. The only car you let go with a warning ticket will be stopped ten minutes later and the driver arrested for transporting the largest quantity of illegal drug in your counties history. If the guy you pull over for speeding says he was going so fast because he has diarrhoea, and for one reason or another you have to put him in the patrol car, it will turn out he wasn't kidding Your department will always be over budget, and your equipment will always be older than you Never date Murphys' daughter, especially when Murphy is the Chief A police officer who wields a baton or other impact weapon in a fight is more likely to strike another cop than the criminal

New Age Constables

Following the amendment to the Police Regulations removing the age limit for compulsory retirement of sworn officers, it has been necessary to include additional items on the stores requisition list. 1. Walking Stick - White Commissioned Officer Use Only 2. Walking Stick - Brown Other Ranks 3 Walking Stick - Brown with rubber stopper for night shift 1. Zimmerframe Standard 2. Zimmerframe Wheeled - for Operational Officers 3. Zimmerframe Wheeled with pockets - for Traffic Officers 4. Bathchair - V8 with flashing lights and siren - Authorised Traffic Officers who have completed Pursuit Course 1. Incontinence Pads - Small pack of 50 2. Incontinence Pads - Medium pack of 50 3. Incontinence Pads - Jumbo Super Soaker 1. Seeing eye dog - German Shepherd - operational officers only 2. Seeing eye dog - Labrador - non operational officers 3. Seeing eye dog - white poodle - Commissioned officers only Page 95

1. Hearing aid small 2. Hearing aid large 3. Hearing Trumpet - xtra large for desk sergeants 1. Name tags - black - with name 2. Name tags - black - with name and requesting reader to speak in loud voice 3. Name tags - black - with name & requesting finder to return the lost officer to nearest police station 4. Name tag - red - with name and warning not to surprise or excite wearer due to heart problems. The following items can be ordered on a special requisition:All police forms in font size 24 for easier reading Pens, pencils etc with special attachments for athritis sufferers Geritol tablets and in liquid form (bulk) Motor vehicle magnetic signs Warning-elderly driver in control Portable electric heart starters in 12v, 240v, 1200v (for living dead) Orthapeadic shoes, stockings, underwear on clothing requisitions Support stockings, and car blankets can be ordered on the same form. The police canteen will also be providing, in addition to normal beers and spirits, camomile tea, horlicks, bovril, and a range of soft biscuits. COPS manual will also be amended to require younger officers to exercise due care when working with our 'new age constables' (NAC) Where a NAC falls asleep whilst on duty, which will be a normal and acceptable practice, younger officers are to awaken the NAC gently so as not to cause alarm or surprise. Such alarm or surprise could invoke a heart attack or worse sudden incontinance. Where a NAC pursues an offender who refuses to stop, any speed in excess of 35kmh will be deemed to be high speed. When a high speed pursuit occurs, a backup unit equipped with heart starter paddles, fold-out bed, oxy-reviver and wet compresses will be deployed. NAC cars will be supplied with lambswool covers (waterproof) and soft rubber rings for prolonged sitting. Non-NAC officers will not tune commercial radios to Triple J or similar head banging radio stations or turn up the volume of the radio so as to unnecessarily excite the NAC when the car ignition is switched on. On extended inquiries, it will be permissible to leave a motorised NAC in his or her bathchair, sitting in the sun whilst enquiries are conducted. Care should be taken not to expose the NAC to sun or bird droppings and the issue car-blanket in regulation tartan colour is to be placed over the NAC's knees. Officers are to be mindful not to forget the NAC when they leave the scene of the inquiry. Special tie on tags requesting the finder to return the NAC to the nearest police station will be available upon request, these should be attached to the NAC in a conspicuous position. Where a NAC has been left sleeping for some time, regular checks for life should be conducted and where graffiti has been painted on the NAC, this should be removed carefully and considerately. Chemicals and steel wool should be avoided. Should the NAC be taken into private residences to undertake enquiries, the resident should be forewarned that bodily emissions from the NAC may be expected. Cans of perfumed room sprays are available on request. This new and innovative approach to policing can be very rewarding to the public and the service alike. Many elderly people will be able to relate to NAC's more readily than to younger officers and this should be encouraged. Younger officers accompanying NAC's should not be perplexed or concerned during long periods of silence during an interview between a NAC and an elderly victim, both may merely be taking a short nap.

Jokes Excessive dribbling from the sides of the mouth should also be ignored unless it begins to interfere with the interview such as smudging written statements. Inconspicuous dabbing of the side of the mouth with a tissue will temporarily relieve the problem. Younger officers will receive special training in this procedure. Radio and Technical Section will be installing audible transmitter chips in sets of false teeth of NACs to facilitate easy location when teeth have been misplaced. It is expected that as time goes by, a number of NAC's will expire in the course of duty. Younger members are not to leave expired NAC's in cars or at the side of the road. All cars will be equipped with body bags in which the expired NAC can be placed until the end of duty at which time the NAC is to be returned to the office. It is imperative that the duty officer be advised of the expiration of the NAC as an expired NAC may take on the appearance of a napping NAC, obviously if a NAC has not moved for some time or has taken on an unusual shade of blue or black, or strange smells (not to be confused with bodily emissions) are noticeable, then the NAC is to be tested for life. It should be noted that many NAC's may in fact smell of mothballs and this could in some cases cover the smell of prolonged death. Naturally, any bodily parts falling off a NAC may also indicate expiration. In the interests of safety, duty officers are not to permit two or more NACs to patrol together unless a younger officer is also present. NAC's are not to be encouraged to join specialist areas such as TRG or OMCG units. Where NAC's are seconded to Drug Squad, care should be excercised to ensure Geritol and anti-athritic medication is not confused with Heroin, Cocaine or Ecstasy. Where a NAC on secondment to Drug Squad accidentally ingests Ecstasy, copius quantities of Milk of Magnesia may assist, however the officer providing this remedy should be cognisant of the laxative effect of the remedy. Younger Commissioned Officers approaching a non-commissioned NAC should exercise patience and tolerance when expecting a salute. It may take some time for the NAC to be able to raise his or her arm to the required height to perform the salute and in some cases this action may cause the NAC to fall over. Finally, all officers should treat NAC's as they would any other officer, bearing in mind that one day they may also be a NAC. Practical jokes on NACs should be discouraged as this may cause embarrassment to the NAC and the service. Replacing photocutouts in shopping centres or dummies in traffic cars with napping NAC's will not be tolerated.

Nuns Driving
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.... Cop: Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow? Sister: Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65. Cop: Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Pick Your Target

A professional French pickpocket used astoundingly poor judgement when selecting his most recent victim at the Seville Airport in 1999. The thief, who specializes in international events that attract crowds of visitors, thought he was in his element when Page 96

he circled a group of young men and chose his prey. Little did he realize that he was dipping into the bag of Larry Wade, champion 110-meter hurdler for the US Athletic team. He was also spotted by Maurice Green, the fastest sprinter on Earth, capable of running 100 meters in 9.79 seconds. The two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist, but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr. Greene at the time. He chose the wrong man, deadpanned a spokesman for the Civil Guard.

(1) (2)

Jokes The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment... I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me...

Police Training
Question: How do you tell the difference between a NSW, QLD or VIC Police Officer Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? NSW Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 0-0-0? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healther street that would discourage such behavior. This is so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. QUEENSLAND Answer: BANG! VICTORIAN Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

Police Reports
What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) (1) (2) While on routine patrol... I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed... The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner I didn't like the car he was in and he had a bumper sticker that said Slow Down--Don't Feed The Pigs... The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control It was raining and it was cold... This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant. It was too hot to ride in the car... I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... The dirtbag looked at me when I passed by... Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... I arrested him once for Public Intoxication... The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past... I've got two theft cases hanging over his head... While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act... He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses... The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations... I wrote one citation for each cussword he used... Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say Come in so this writer entered through the door... The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door. The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the Command Post. I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding... She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over. The Chief appeared at the scene and took command... I sent him to the same address as the reporters. Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions. It was my bowling night...

Radar
Scottish News - 16 October 1999

The following article appeared in the Berwickshire Gazette :

Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road last May. They were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The GBP8,000 radar then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused Policemen. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado Page 97

(1)
(2) (1) (2)

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat, and had a loaded gun in his possession... Using only enough force to restrain the subject... I tried my darndest to break this assholes neck...

Jokes aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated lowflying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by the Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the hostile radar equipment, but had automatically armed an air-to-ground Missile, ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched. Lothian & Border Police Department have declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future. A Rookie thinks every death is a Homicide. A Veteran thinks every death is a Suicide. A Rookie call the Brass by their rank. A Veteran calls the Brass by their first name. A Rookie carries a laptop computer. A Veteran writes on his hand. A Rookie checks out deserted spots in hope of finding a drug deal in progress. A Veteran checks out deserted spots in hope of finding solitude. A Rookie is the first one in the station for roll call. A Veteran is the first one in the station to go home. A Rookie hunts for probable cause. A Veteran points it out for them. A Rookie will park a unit on the side then stand in the rain yelling at motorist to stop. A Veteran will park a unit in the road, turn on the lights and watch the motorists stop. A Rookie will make a traffic stop on the other end of the world one minute prior to shift change. A Veteran will let a Rookie from the next shift volunteer to go assist. A Rookie will stop a briefing with important questions. A Veteran will explain all the answers after the briefing. A Rookie get into the newest unit with all the latest crime-fighting gadgets. A Veteran will make him bring it back. A Rookie comes out of the academy remembering all the up to date training. A Veteran come from academy training remembering just the faces have changed. A Rookie reminds a Veteran that Community Policing gets officers in touch with the Community. A Veteran reminds a Rookie how they patrolled before they finally got the extra cars. A Rookie will entertain a child at a scene to build a positive image of police. A Veteran will entertain a child at a scene to get him to tell where the evidence is. A Rookie will utilize all his academy firearms training to attain the highest score. A Veteran will convince the Range Master to give the Rookie another chance. A Rookie will view a computerized unit tracking system as a way of getting backup. A Veteran will never recall his unit needing a backup and view it as a conspiracy. A Rookie will collect bag and tag any evidence he is able to find at a homicide scene. A Veteran will apologize to the Detectives and Technicians that he is a Rookie. A Rookie will curse the soul of the ones that out ran them. A Veteran thinks no one out runs time, or the radio. A Rookie will grab a shotgun and run up to the house. A Veteran will explain afterwards why he had to put it back. A Rookie trys to be the first on the scene to check a bank alarm. A Veteran trys to get the dispatcher to be the first to call the bank before the Rookie arrives. A Rookie on Morning Watch will use stationary radar to catch speeders and drunks. A Veteran on Morning Watch will use stationary radar as an early warning device.

Recruit
A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother? He said, Call for backup.

Rookie Cop
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, Let's get off the corner people. A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, Let's get off that corner... NOW! Intimidated, the people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, Well, how did I do? Pretty good, chuckled the vet, especially since this is a bus stop.

Rookies vs. Veterans

The difference between rookie cops and veteran cops. A Rookie loses his lunch at a homicide scene. A Veteran eats his lunch at a homicide scene. A Rookie uses McDonalds drive through so he won't miss a call. A Veteran spends 45 minutes drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts. A Rookie: You can't read his name plate because its polished so brightly. A Veteran doesn't wear one for liability reasons. A Rookie puts too much in reports. A Veteran doesn't put enough into reports. A Rookie loves foot pursuits. A Veteran makes the Rookie do foot pursuits. A Rookie is given 40 hours training on communications at the academy. A Veteran was given 40 rounds of ammunition when he left the academy. A Rookie wants everyone to know he is a cop. A Veteran doesn't want anyone to know he is a cop. A Rookie loves to find stolen vehicles. A Veteran doesn't care about stolen vehicles unless someone is in them. A Rookie can spot an expired tag at 50 yards. A Veteran can't spot anything at 50 yards. A Rookie spends 2 hours on a follow up. A Veteran gives follow ups to Detectives.

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Jokes A Rookie does not understand the term Grave Yard Shift. A Veteran does not explain the term Grave Yard Shift and just grins. A Rookie stops in Convenience Stores to get a Cappuccino or Hot Chocolate to warm up. A Veteran remembers the establishments that used to offer a warm up in their coffee. A Rookie will use chemical agents and extendible metal asps to get compliance. A Veteran remembers when a sap, black jack or wooden batons alone were respected. A Rookie fears loosing a suspect in a high-speed chase. A Veteran fears getting hit by a Rookie in a high-speed chase. A Rookie cant figure out how Veterans use to do it. A Veteran cant figure out why Rookies do it. A Rookie looks at the Veterans as Dinosaurs. A Veteran looks at the Rookies as New Dinosaurs, a group of young, unskilled hunters, to be eaten. A Rookie gets Pumped Up watching Cops. A Veteran gets Pissed Off watching Cops. A Rookie hopes when. A Veteran remembers when. A Rookie can not get away with anything. A Veteran remembers what the brass have gotten away with. A Rookie remembers everyone on his beat he has arrested. A Veteran remembers everyone on his beat who has been kind to him. A Rookie thinks he knows it all. A Veteran remembers when he thought the same. A Rookie never forgets. A Veteran always reminds.

surrendered with no shots fired. His genius casing job had failed to notice the FBI Field Office two doors down.
United Kingdom

Some videos recently were seen where robbers did not realize that the bank door opens one way. So on the raising of the safety screens they assumed that the doors locked too, until the next customer walks in unexpectedly. (One guy was seen to shoulder barge the door in desperation for 2 minutes).
Britain

In the trial of six men charged with attempting Britain's biggest cash robbery, prosecuting attorney Guy Boney told the court that the group forced an armored car, carrying over 18 million dollars, into a wooded area. The sextet then used high-powered torches to open it. Boney also noted that the torches set off a horrendously expensive bonfire that turned over 2 million dollars into ashes, causing the men to flee.
Unknown

This man cavalierly went to the bank and stood in line just as any other customer would. As he got closer to the teller, he pulled out a ski mask and a gun. He then waited in line for several more minutes so that he could rob the bank.

Things not to say to a nice traffic officer.

I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer for me. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. You're not going to check the trunk are you? Hey, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's bedside table. Gee officer; I'm having a great day---the last two cops who stopped me earlier only gave me warnings too. What do you mean Have I been drinking? You're the trained expert. So tell me, what's a good bribe go for around here? Just throw the ticket on the back seat with all the others. How come you're out here harassing innocent motorists--is the donut shop closed? Can you hurry up--the drugs could kick in at any minute. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. I pay your salary! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this.44 magnum! No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

Stupid Bank Robbers...

San Francisco, CA

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of a deposit slip wrote, this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and might call the police before he could reach the teller. So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there, he handed his note to a tell her. After reading it, the teller determined that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic. She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America. Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.
Boston, Massachusetts

An Einstein protg had been casing a Boston bank for several days, waiting for just the right moment to commit robbery. He went through the customer line, and as he approached up to the teller's window, he produced a handgun and announced in a very loudly THIS IS A HOLDUP, NOBODY MOVE! Much to his dismay, the next five customers were armed FBI agents on their lunch breaks, attempting to cash their checks. The quickly

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When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Jokes DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then,.... HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallo-centric, warmongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this milk! SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LIBERTY: Whatever.

Three Times A Loser

Edward had some trouble when he attempted to steal a utility trailer from the Home Depot store in Albuquerque. He drove in and hitched a trailer onto his Toyota pickup, then drove off quickly only to crash on Griegos Road. He then returned to the home improvement store and hitched up a second trailer, then drove off only to have it come loose and crash 75 yards away from the first stolen trailer. Deputy Sheriff Scott Baird noticed the two trailer on the side of the road, and stopped to investigate. Just then, Detective Bill Webb said, Edward drives by with the third stolen trailer, and the fender of the trailer clips the deputy's patrol car. A 25-mph chase ensued; the leisurely pace set by Edward, who probably knows that trailers at high speeds don't stay on very well, Webb elaborated. The would-be thief was finally pulled to a stop, arrested by Albuquerque police officers, and charged with three counts of motor vehicle theft. Hurrah for Edward! If all criminals had a modus operandi as feeble as his, the species would die out from an excess of convictions.

Political Jokes
Q. What is the bad thing about four politicians going over a cliff in a Falcon? A. A Falcon seats five.

Entry Into Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Practical Jokes
Now for a *harmless* practical joke. My favourite telephone gag is to call someone at random, and with an official tone rattle off this warning before they can interrupt: This is the telephone company calling. There is some trouble with your line. Please do not answer Page 100

Politics and Cows

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

any calls for the next five minutes or the person on the other end may be electrocuted. Thank you. Hang up, and wait about two minutes. Call them back. When they answer, just scream AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! and hang up. A friend of mine once took a McDonald's ketchup packet and poked a hole in one end with a needle. He then placed it in a toilet, between the seat and the bowl- the side with the hole facing downwards into the bowl. Supposedly, the next person to use the bathroom came out looking quite worried. Paint the soap (preferably a new bar) with clear nail polish. He'll spend hours trying to achieve that 'rich, luxurious lather.' Shove a raisin in the opening of a tube of toothpaste so that it will take some effort to squeeze then... POP.. out comes a nice stream of toothpaste, hopefully on their clothes. If you can get into your victim's house, staple the sides of many paper cups together so that they are in a ring or matrix configuration (anything too large to drag out the door), and fill them all with water. Steal a banana from targets lunch. Use large sewing needle to pierce skin at seam and move needle back and forth to cut banana in half. Continue doing this along the seam and banana will be sliced when peeled by target. Glad wrap on reading glasses that have been left on desk is good. Trimming at edge of lens is hard but effect is great. Not usually noticed when first picked up but optical quality of gladwrap is spectacularly bad. Call victim's answering machine. Leave what sounds to be an important message and, 3 digits into the phone number, end the message. One of my favourites works best in large office buildings: Stay late one night. Go through the building and forward EVERY phone to victim's line. Be sure to do yours also to avoid being suspected. Everyone's heard about filling the victim's room with balloons, right? (balloons are great, especially if the victim is your SON and you come by later, acting innocently, and suggest...well, you get the idea.) Unfortunately, inflated balloons are bulky to carry, and it can take a dangerously long time to inflate them in the victims room. There is a solution. (I've actually done this, it really *does* work, even if it sounds ridiculous) Go out and get 2 or 3 styrofoam beer coolers. Inflate the balloons in the privacy of your own room. Fill the beer coolers with liquid nitrogen. (at 77 K it can liquefy air) Stuff all 2 thousand or so inflated balloons into the beer coolers. (don't worry, they will fit, liquefied air occupies *very* little space) You may need a refill or 3 of liquid nitrogen. Get a friend or 3 to help carry the coolers to the victims room. Make sure there isn't any paper or other water-damageable stuff on the floor. Strain out the majority of the LN2 and dump the inflated balloons onto the floor. Close the door. (if there is a window or transom, it's great fun to watch the balloons reinflate to fill the room) Fellow in a semi-private hospital room had been the brunt of far too many of his roommate's practical jokes. But our hero was discharged before the joker, and as he left noticed a cart full of intern's stuff... A while later the nurse came in, noticed the joker lying on his face with his bare butt up in the air, and said, What in the world are you doing? Said the joker, Well, a while ago an intern came by and had me roll over so he could take my temperature. Yes, but -- with a daffodil? Find a way to get at your victim's car so you aren't arrested as a car thief. Add a gallon of gas a day to your victim's gas tank. This will cause the sucker to think that he/she is getting 100 or so miles to the gallon. After your victim has bragged enough about what a wonderful car he/she has, start taking out a gallon of gas a day. This will effectively give your victim zero miles per gallon. When he/she takes the car to the mechanic and claims that it was getting 100 MPG, this will probably (and hopefully) evoke a suuurrree,

Jokes buddy <or lady> from the mechanic, which will redline the frustration of your victim. If you are concerned about any ethical implications, please make sure to add as much gasoline as you take out. Dump a whole bottle of laundry detergent into a toilet tank. First flush is spectacular! Especially if still sitting. A friend once collected an impressive number of live moths from around the porch light and took them to the local movie house in a shoebox. After the movie started he opened the box and the moths all migrated to the beam of light where they stayed - thus making the film un-viewable. Everybody hollered (a college theatre) and the manager turned on the house lights. The moths promptly disappeared only to return to the beam when the lights were turned off and the film restarted. I attended a school whose classrooms had fans with wide blades that were turned on the same time as the ceiling lights. We arrived early one morning and piled the top of each blade with flour. Keeping lights and fans off, we sat in the dark until the teacher walked in and flicked on the switches. The resulting storm took the entire class period to settle. Reminds me of the kind of stuff we used to do growing up in Myrtle Beach, SC. We called it fishing for tourists. We'd get a large lady's handbag and stuff it with newspaper or something and tie some fishing line to it. We'd place the bag beside a road and we would wait in the woods on the other end of the line. After the tourist spotted the bag from his car and got out to investigate, the contest was to see if we could make him follow the bag while we tugged on the line. Post ads around town for a garage sale (or open house) at Victim's house starting at 7:00 AM next Sunday. One of my favourite practical jokes is to get a somewhat long spool of rope, and when walking down the street ( acting official..), get someone to assist you in measuring a distance. Pick a spot near a corner , go around, and find another person to hold the other end of the rope. Go across the street and just wait... Call a mortuary and report the victim dead. Arrange to have his body picked up at his house sometime when he is at home. One of my favourites is to put a couple of ping-pong balls in someones gas tank. The car will start just fine and will run for a couple of blocks. Then the balls will get sucked into the gas feed and cause the car to die. The balls will now float back to the top of the tank and he will be able to restart the car. This will be very frustrating to the car owner, especially if he works on his own car. First he will replace the fuel filter then maybe the fuel pump. From there on out he will be pulling his hair out to figure out what to do next. A recent news article told of an individual who had forgotten her bank deposit slip so she used one of the 'counter' deposit slips that a bank keeps in little boxes at the customer service tables. Shortly after reaching the head of the line and tendering her deposit slip and some cash, she was rousted by guards with drawn guns; the local police arrived shortly, too. Seems someone had seeded the deposit slip box with deposit slips which had I have a gun hand printed on the back.

Religious Jokes
Atheist
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Help me!

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Jokes At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me! Come on God, give me a break!!, the man pleaded. two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!

Driving Permit
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it. A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut! The young man waited a moment and then replied, You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair. His father replied, Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went.

Bran Muffins
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. It's free, Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven. Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees? This is heaven, St. Peter replied. You play for free. Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man. Don't you understand yet? St. Peter asked. This is heaven. It's free! Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods? the old man asked timidly. That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. The old man looked at his wife and said, You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Ecumenical Light Bulb Changing

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray that God will change the light bulb. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE??????? How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

Church Bulletins
Church Bulletins Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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Getting to Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven? NO! the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven? Again, the answer was, NO! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven? I asked them again. Again, they all answered, NO! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, then how can I get into Heaven? A five-year-old boy shouted out, YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.

Jokes This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said No. Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? No. The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum? No, said the son. On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!

Life Begins...
In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin. The Baptist Preacher spoke first and said At conception, of course!. The Presbyterian Minister said No, no, it's certainly begins at birth. The Catholic Priest tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the foetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month. They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home, and the dog they left behind dies!!!.

Heaven
Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. 'Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.' Six months passed and finally Peter returned. 'Yes, we can do this for you.' The couple replied, 'Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?' To this St Peter answered, 'It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!'

Modern Noah
And the Lord said to Noah, In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark. and in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark. OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time. Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. Noah, shouted the Lord, Where is my ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet the code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Third, my neighbours objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I

Honesty
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

Jewish Maths
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

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Jokes had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environment statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being. Eighth, the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years, wailed Noah. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully. No, said the Lord sadly, Government already has. Gov: Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over? Trooper: I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

Rabbis
Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual 3 to 1, majority rules statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. Oh, God! he cried. I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them! It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it! But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign! This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. I told you I was right! cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, Oh God..., the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT! The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, Well? So, shrugged one of the other rabbis, now it's 3 to 2. At a mass at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two Rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the brides of Christ. The eldest of the Rabbi's slowly rose to his feet and explained, Family of the Groom. Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi. Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself. Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you believe, man? Cross? Aw, no! replied Rabbi Stern, I was just checking. Checking? Checking for what? Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... and Watch! A Jewish Rabbi went into a restaurant. He saw roast pork on the menu and, curiosity getting the better of him, decided that just once wouldn't hurt and so ordered it. A short while later the waiter came towards his table carrying a platter on which was a roast pig with an apple in its mouth. As the waiter arrived at his table he noticed that the people at the next table were from his synagogue and were staring at him, so he turned to them and said So I order an apple - how am I to know how they'll serve it?

Pope
The Pope comes to America. Of course, he's very busy. Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has the same limo driver daily. One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat. Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry. Where can I take you? Forgive me! Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I'd like to take the car for a drive. I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me. I've never driven an automobile. Please allow me. Driver: certainly, your holiness. Let me assist. P: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner. The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it as he has never done this before. After hitting several parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper. The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately, he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor. Trooper: Governor, this is state trooper Wilson. I've just pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious traffic violation but I don't know what to do. Gov: Who do your have there? Clinton? I will speak to the White House Chief of Staff. I'll straighten this out. Trooper: No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person in the world! Gov: Well, who do you have? The UN Secretary General? I will speak to one of those UN guys. Diplomatic immunity is a very sacred thing you know. Trooper: No, no. I've already told you. Its the most important person in the world.

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Theology of Toys
Agnosticism -- It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit of difference. Amish -- Toys with batteries are surely a sin. Anglican -- They were our toys first. Apostolic Faith (Oneness Movement) -- There is only one toy, and it is in our church. Assembly of God -- It doesn't matter how you play with the toys as long as more people join in with you. Atheism -- There is no toy maker. Baha'i Faith -- All toys are fine with us. Baha'i Faith -- Let's play with our toys together. Baptist -- We have played with this toy this way for years, and we are not going to change. Branch Davidians -- He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins. Catholicism -- He who denies himself the most toys, wins. Capitalism -- He who dies with the most toys, wins. Church of Christ -- He whose toys make music, loses. Church of Scientology -- We are the toys. Communism -- Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours. Confucianism -- Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. Crystal Cathedral -- There are no bad toys, and no bad toy players. Existentialism -- Toys are a figment of your imagination. Evolutionism -- The toys made themselves. Greek Orthodox -- No, they were OURS first. Hare Krishna -- He who plays with the most toys, wins. Hinduism -- Hang the rule book! Let's play! Hinduism -- He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses. Jehovah's Witnesses -- He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins. Judaism -- He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins. Liberalism -- I feel good playing with toys, don't you. That is why I know I am going to heaven Metaphysics -- Toys are a figment of your imagination. Methodist -- Toys are toys are toys. Mormonism -- Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. Name-it-Claim-it -- I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. I have toys. Non-denominationalism -- We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them. Pentecostalism -- He whose toys can walk, talk and jump, wins. Polytheism -- There are many toy makers. Presbyterian -- These toys were chosen for you to play with and these were chosen for me to play. Republicans -- If you don't repeal this tax on all toys, you will go to hell. 7th Day Adventist -- He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. Southern Baptist -- If your toy is a Disney product, you have a oneway ticket to Hell. Taoism -- The doll is as important as the dump truck. Voodoo -- Let me borrow that doll for a second.

Jokes Unitarian Universalism -- We still haven't decided if the toys exist. Witchcraft -- Toy making is killing our Earth Goddess. Word of Faith -- Send me $100 and I will tell you How you TOO can have more toys.

Seasonal
Christmas
12 Days of Christmas (90s Version)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other In a Consenting Adult Monogamous Relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system Leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically-disadvantaged female persons stealing milkproducts from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) * *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Politically Correct Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to Elves, Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the North Pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

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And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid? The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened. And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows; Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football.. someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be pass; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere.. even you. So here is that gift, it's priced beyond worth.. May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

Jokes II. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. III. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. IV. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa who is invariably described as overweight. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). V. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. VI. In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents to all the good children on Christmas Eve, HE'S DEAD NOW.

Santas Downsizing
Excerpt from Santa's Corporate Newsletter: The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the Page 106

SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective.

I. No known species of reindeer can fly. However, there are some 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen).

slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. [The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.] The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of TBills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or amulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Jokes Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-asuing) action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

X(mas) File
57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing. Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. You really think someone's been here? Someone, or something. Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake. Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. It's O.K. There's a note attached: Gonna find out who's naughty and nice. It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Who? What are you talking about? Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of antracite. But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it? Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive--and in a hurry. It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there. But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once? You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Impossible. I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head! I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys.

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Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake. But we have no proof. Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. But that was a meteor shower. Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Mulder, I-Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like...a clatter. The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

Jokes She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, Well; there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First Methodist Church.

New Barbie
Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic... 1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colours (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues. 3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, twoMuMus with tummy-support panels are included. 5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of Breaking Up Is Hard to >Do. 9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. 10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self is included.

Thanksgiving
'Twas the night of thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white. But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning in anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation. So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door. And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, 'Till all of a sudden I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie. But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries please. May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump; May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!

Senior Life
Harvey and Gladys
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey, she comments "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my rear looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

Old Pilots
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, To what do you attribute your good health? The old timer said, I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight and out flying up and down the countryside.

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The doctor said, Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died? The old timer said, Who said my dad's dead? The doctor said, You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he? The old timer said, He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he flew next to me this morning in his own airplane. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot! The doctor said, Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your Grandfather, how old was he when he died? The old timer said, Who said my grandpa's dead? The doctor said, You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he? The old timer said, He's 118 yrs old. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, I guess he went flying with you this morning too? The old timer said, No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married. The Doctor said in amazement, Got married!! Why would a 118year-old guy want to get married? The old timer said, Who said he wanted to?

Jokes WHEN HE CRIES? they demanded. Why do we have to wait until he CRIES? BECAUSE I forgot where I put him...

Sports
Exercise
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. Last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Senior Moments
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, Windy, isn't it? Second one says, No, its Thursday! Third one says, So am I. Let's go get a beer. A man was telling his neighbour, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect. Really, answered the neighbour. What kind is it? Twelve thirty. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

The Battle of the Sexes

Chemistry
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties. Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes Page 109

Why God Invented Menopause

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old Woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby? one asked Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first. Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now? No, not yet, said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, May we see the baby now? Not yet, replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, Well, when CAN we see the baby? WHEN HE CRIES! she told them.

explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Jokes And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty - scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... Roger, Elaine says aloud. What? says Roger, startled. Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.) What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse There's no horse? says Roger. You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says. No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. It's just that...it's that I...I need some time, Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. Yes, he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? she says. What way? says Roger. That way about time, says Elaine. Oh, says Roger. Yes Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. Thank you, Roger, she says. Thank you, says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

Dictionary of Dating
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EYE CONTACT: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get. IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Differences
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months? And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

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The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse? And that's the difference between men and women.

Jokes One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... Lord, I have a problem! What's the problem, Eve? Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy. Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above. Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples. Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. What's a 'man,' Lord? This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly. Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord? Yeah, well... you can have him on one condition. What's that, Lord? As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember...it's our secret... woman-to-woman!

Drive-up ATMs
HIM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit cancel 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake

Haircuts
WOMENS' VERSION:CATHY: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! LISA: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? CATHY: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. LISA: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts, that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. CATHY: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. LISA: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. MENS' VERSION:PETE: Haircut? DAVE: Yep.

How to Handle a Husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far

Garden of Eden
What really happened in The Garden of Eden: The untold story.

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when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, That's once. We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, That's twice. We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?? She looked at me, and quietly said, That's once. And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after.

Jokes They have rubber teeth. Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance. Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about. My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill. Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mildmannered Abe Lincoln types may react to, Are you sure about that? as a vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts. Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round. MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football. Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue. Except me

Male Answer Syndrome

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as display behavior in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed. Have you ever wondered why: * Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese? * Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt? * Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle East? * Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA? * Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want? Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states. His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. It's interesting that you mention that..., he will begin, and then he will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something. This behavior - the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, I don't know. They prefer, That's not what's important here. They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, Do I know anything about this subject? or Is what I have to say interesting? They take a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, What is the capital of Peru? they hear, So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob. Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, Why did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show? she will simply shrug helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable. But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. No, he said.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

RELATIONSHIPS When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Idiots. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us. This is known as the I Hate You / I Love You drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made one at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. MATURITY Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. HANDWRITING To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their i's with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their p's and g's. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. COMEDY

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Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favourite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. GOING OUT When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup... OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. DAVID LETTERMAN Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LAUNDRY Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of Love, American Style. WEDDINGS When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about the bachelor party. SOCKS Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the

Jokes ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back. EATING OUT When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. MIRRORS Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows... MENOPAUSE When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. THE TELEPHONE Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. DIRECTIONS If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like I've found a new way to get there. and, I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognise that 7-11. ADMITTING MISTAKES Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. RICHARD GERE Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. TOYS Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Car phones, Complicated juicers and blenders, Graphic equalizers, Small robots that serve cocktails on command, Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 D batteries to operate. CAMERAS Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. GARAGES Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. MOVIES

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Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. JEWELRY Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. CONVERSATION Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., Wow, great movie., What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size., Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys, etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable That garden by the roadside looks lovely. Mmhmm. Pause. That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it? Yeah. Pause. And so on. FRIENDS Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer? RESTROOMS Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

Oil Change
Oil Change Instructions For Women 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00 Oil Change Instructions For Men 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

Jokes 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 35) Beer. 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 37) Beer. 38) Beer. 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 40) Beer. 41) Lower car from jack stands. 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 44) Beer. 45) Test drive car. 46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 47) Car gets impounded. 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard. Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to match!!!!) $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee $1,350.00 Total

Pleasing Women
A group of women are out for drinks when they see a sign outside a club that reads, For Women Only. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: All the men on this floor are short and plain. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: All the men here are short and handsome. Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: All the men here are tall and plain. They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here are tall and handsome. The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

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Jokes Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Reasons God Created Eve

God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!) God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. As Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he put his tools. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, looked things over, and said, I can do better than this.

Training Courses for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping it in the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut 19. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall under the Action/Adventure Category 20. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 21. I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!: Why Women Laugh 22. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 23. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 24. I Don't Know: Be the First Man to Say It! 25. The Petrol Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 26. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 27. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 28. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

The Rules
1. The female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female may change her mind at any time. 9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The male is expected to mind read at all times. 14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void. 17. The female is ready when she is ready. 18. The male must be ready at all times.

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Why Are Men Happier

Why ARE Men Happier? Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes. No wonder men are happier!

Jokes I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say 'nothing'.... The genie replies You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men -- so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they put a man on the moon -- Why can't we put them all there? Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-ityourself types. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. Sadly, all men are created equal. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, You may be, you look familiar. The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men-- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong -- but you could still use them.

Women Or Bridges
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, OK, so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish. The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there? The genie laughed and replied, That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete....How much steel !!!! No think of another wish. The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said,

Thoughts to Ponder
Quotable Quotes
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' Dennis Miller Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the

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window. Steve Bluestone A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. Jake Johansen The secret of life is not to do what you like, but to like what you do American proverb Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day! The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. Max Kauffmann Most of God's troubles with labourers in his vineyard can be traced to absenteeism The Protestant Voice I always said I wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld Some men see thing as they are and say Why?. I see things as they never were and say Why not? George Bernard Shaw I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. Jack Mayberry Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? Warren Hutcherson Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess baggage, the shorter the trip. Arnold Glasow The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' Jerry Seinfeld I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

Jokes Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around David Lodge You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother Theodore Hesburgh I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything, But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it Closed for remodeling. **caution - leave air holes.** My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. A. Whitney Brown Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it. Frank Clark Obituary notices often state death as being a result of an accident, but no mention is made of births by the same cause P.K. Shaw We live in a mixed-up world. Now a car is the necessity and walking is the luxury. Monta Crane Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. Bob Ettinger A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. Conan O'Brien I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see I have friends in both places Mark Twain There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. If people concentrate on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing rods. Doug Larson

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Jokes The networks are certainly great places to meet men. There are several guys on-line for every woman. But, like the outlook for women in Alaska, the odds are good, but the goods are odd. Clifford Stoll on dating via the Internet You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there A period of living it up is usually followed by a period of living it down P.K. Shaw Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. Orben's Current Comedy The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Most parents would agree that the best part of their children's lives was the drawing board stage P.K. Shaw I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. Ellen DeGeneres The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. William Allen White I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days hit me all at once. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Families are like fudge.. mostly sweet with a few nuts. A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still Butler Some people are so afraid of dying the never begin living W.G.P. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. Mae West Better to ask a question than to remain ignorant forever W.G.P. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Diplomacy: the patriotic art of lying for one's country Ambrose Bierce Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names Edward I. Koch I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. To err is human; to forgive, infrequent. Franklin Jones The best contraception an accountant can use is his personality Anonymous Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. An excellent survival kit - a well filled wallet W.G.P. Only the mediocre are always at their best Jean Giraudoux Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Atheist: A man who believes himself an accident Francis Thompson Talk is cheap - unless you hire a lawyer Wayne Mackey Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Prejudice is the child of ignorance William Hazlitt Only one Australian city has an Aboriginal name Canberra...which means young jackass Cyril Pearl Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration Thomas A. Edison You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. Car manufacturers, with their emphasis on speed, should remember that corpses can't buy one W.G.P. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. Dick Cavett I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet. African Proverb Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Alexander Woolcott Early in life I noticed that no event is correctly reported in a newspaper George Orwell One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria. Budget: Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went C.E. Hoover Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle Bob Hope When the state is most corrupt, then the laws are most multiplied Tacitus Page 118

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. With every civil right there has to be a corresponding civil obligation Edison Haines Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due. You never see a woman marrying a dumb man for his shape W.G.P. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendoza Fanatic: one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject Winston Churchill One way a man can make his wife listen is to talk to another woman W.G.P. The way to bring up a child is to start at the bottom W.G.P. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. Tomorrow is the day on which lazy people have the most to do. Norwegian proverb Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. We shall never have friends, if we expect to find them without fault. Thomas Fuller I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. Rita Rudner I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that? Jay Leno I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name... Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen Leacock You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. William Coronel

Jokes Steven Wright: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. What's another word for Thesaurus? When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' You can't have everything. Where would you put it? George Carlin: As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Things that make you go, Hmmm...

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes? Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF? Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date? Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? IF Con is the Opposite of Pro....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

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Jokes Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons. How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of. Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to CURE it. Why do we wash BATH TOWELS, aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase? Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have an S in it? I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. A lady friend of mine told me that at our age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I wanted to say, No, it's for company. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write... A Good Doctor. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much... Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac. If you jogged backward...would you gain weight. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Page 120 How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour. OK, so what's the speed of dark? All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. If I press the half and full flush on a toilet at the same time, do I get a flush and a half You keep honking, I'm reloading