society has only those criminals it deserves to have. john (hannibal) smith.

there is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. william shakespear problems are seldom as bad as they seem at first sight. venessa williams there is virtually nothing that has come from molecular biology that can be of any value to human living in the conventional sense of what is good, and quite tremendous possibilities of evil... sir frank macfarlane god has infinite time to give us; but how did he give it? in one immense treat of lazy milleniums? no, he cut it up into a neat succession of new mornings. ralph waldo emerson science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of nature. and that is because, in the last analysis, we ourselves are part of nature and therefore part of the mystery we are trying to solve. max planck science is not a sacred cow. science is a horse. don't worship it. feed it. aubrey eben for the world is like an olive press, and men are constantly under preasure. if you are the dregs of oil, you are carried away through the sewer, but if you are true oil, you remain in the vessel. st. augustine i like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. thomas jefferson not a day passes over this earth but men and women of no note do great deeds, speak great words, and suffer noble past. charles reed like a mutation, an idea may be recorded in the wrong time, to be latent like a recessive gene and spring once more to life in an auspicious era. loren eisely thanks to science, you can now fly almost anywhere in half the time it will take you to wait for your luggage after you get there. bill vaughan our time is a time for crossing barriers, for erasing old categoriesfor probing around. marshall macluhan the release of atomic energy constitutes a new force too revolutionary to consider in the framework of old ideas. harry s. truman psychology lost first its soul, then its mind, and then its consciousness, but it still has behavior of a kind.

e. g. boring life is either a daring adventure or nothing. hellen keller which would you rather have, a bursting planet or an earthquake here and there ? john joseph lynch there is more religion in men's science than there is science in their religion. henry david thoreau science has nothing to be ashamed of, even in the ruins of nagasaki. jacob bronowski nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who does believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances. bruce barton the great truths are too important to be new. w. somerset maugham sometimes one concludes that the real challenge of energy conservation is not to do it, but rather to believe that it can be done. daniel yergin there is no democracy in physics. we can not say that some second-rate guy has as much right to an opinion as fermi. luis alvarez the development of hydro power in the desert of north africa awaits only the introduction of water. statement in nuclear news there never was an idea started that woke men out of their stupid indifference but its originator was spoken of as a crank. oliver wendell holmes everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done. one could write a history of science in reverse by assembling the solemn pronouncements of highest authority about what could not be done and could never happen. robert a. heinlin ...the first thing that must be asked about future man is whether he will be alive, and will know how to keep alive, and not whether it is a good thing that he should be alive. charles galton darwin in a way, science might be described as paranoid thinking applied to nature: we are looking for natural conspiracies, for connections among apparently disparate data. carl sagan i like people who refuse to speak until they are ready to speak. lillian hellman all you need in life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

mark twain science has proof without any certainty. creationists have certainty without any proof. ashley montague birth and copulation, and death. that is all the facts when you come to brass tacks. t. s. eliot you can predict things only after they have happened. eugene ionesco after all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. jean giraudox if god does exist, then it is not the one who created everything, but the one who let everything create itself . phisician's opinion never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. the duchess to alice life is what happens to you when you're busy planning other things. john lennon common sense is the collection of prejudices accumulated by the age of eighteen. albert einstein give people the tools they need, and there is no limit to what they achieve. that, sir, is the good of counting. it brings everything to a certainty, which before floated in the mind indefinitely. samuel johnson three women and a goose make a market. italian proverb be not the first when the new are tried, nor yet the last to lay the old aside. alexander pope there are more things in heaven and earth, horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. hamlet for which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether to have sufficient to finish it? luke 14:28 a man is judged by the company he keeps. we live on small ideas. john nichols a company that does not know where it wants to go

will not usually get there. the economist after all, who buys the mop ? probably a purchasing agent who never lays his hand on one. does he ever go down and talk to the janitor and find out how well that mop works ? sid crown it's un-american to manufacture things. asian manufacture things. american acquire, divest, merge, and file for bankruptcy. russel baker i always thought cad/cam stood for 'computer-aided design and manufacture', not for 'computer-accelerated disruption and madness'. s. g. panke this is a story about four people named everybody, somebody, anybody and nobody. there was an important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. somebody got angry about that, because it was everybody's job. everybody thought anybody could do it but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it. it ended up that everybody blamed somebody when nobody did what anybody could have done. a wife, like a computer ... after you marry her you find out that: 1) it costs much more than you thought. 2) she is not doing what you thought she will. 3) after a period of time, it is impossible without her. 4) after you have got used to her and found out that you can't do without her, you realize that one is not enough ... there are only two things you can worry about, either you are well or you are sick. if you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick then there are only two thing you can worry about. either you will get well or you will die. if you gonna be well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you gonna die there are only two things you can worry about. either you will go to hell or heaven. if you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about, but, if you go to hell, you will be so damn busy shaking hands with friends so you won't have time to worry... action seems to follow feeling , but realy, action and feeling go together, and by regulating the action, which is the more under direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling , which is not. hamlet of denmark i like the best ! ( i like myself ... ) hungarians love paprika. milk is milk.

tnuva for him - it is 'danny'; for you - it is milk. strauss do not read this sentence ! -think big. -keep it simple. -search for the pattern. produce ! reproduce ! think ! an apple a day keeps the doctor away. murphy's law: if anything can go wrong, it will. o'toole's commentary: murphy was an optimist. nagler's comment on the origin of murphy's law: murphy's law was not profounded by murphy, but by another man of the same name. kohn's corolarry to murphy's law: two wrongs are only the beginning. mcdonald's corollary to murphy's law: in any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events. murphy's law of government: if anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate. maah's law: things go right so they can go wrong. addendum to murphy's law: in precise mathematical terms, 1+1=2, where '=' is a symbol meaning 'seldom if ever'. murphy's uncertainty principle: you can know something has gone wrong only when you make an odd number of mistakes. tussman's law: nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. gualtieri's law of inertia: where there's a will, there's a won't. fahnestock's rule for failure: if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. zymurgy's law of evolving systems dynamics:

once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans) murphy's mathematical axiom: for large values of one, one approaches two, for small values of two. dude's law duality: of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur. hane's law: there is no limit to how bad things can get. perrusel's law: there is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong. mae west's observation: to err is human, but it feels divine. thine's law: nature abhors people. borkowski's law: you can't guard against the aebitrary. lackland's 1. never 2. never 3. never the parouzzi principle: given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate. the chi factor: quantity=1/quality; or, quantity is inversely proportional to quality. ken's law: a flying particle will seek the neerest eye. schopenhauer's law of entropy: if you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage,you get sewage. if you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine,you get sewage. allen's law: almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of. frothingham's fourth law: urgency varies inversely with importance. the rockefeller principle: never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing. young's law of inanimate mobility: all inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. smith's law: no real problem has a solution. hoare's law of large problems: inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. laws: be first. be last. volunteer for anything.

the schainker converse to hoare's law of large problems: inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out. big al's law: a good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem. baruch's observation: if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. fox on problematics: when a problem goes away, the people working to solve it do not. waldrop's principle: the person not here is the one working on the problem. biondi's law: if your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't think was important. disraeli's dictum: error is often more earnest than truth. the roman rule: the one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. blair's observation: the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. seay's law: nothing ever comes out as planned. ruckert's law: there is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. van herpen's law: the solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers. hall's law: the means justify the means. the approach to a problem is more important than its solution. baxter's law: an error in the premise will appear in the conclusion. mcgee's first law: it's amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on. holten's homile: the only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong. sevareid's law: the chief cause of problems is solutons. the bureacracy principle: only a bureacracy can fight a bureacracy. fox on bureacracy:

a bureacracy can outwait anything. corolarry: never get caught between two bureacracies. young's second law: it is dead wood that holds up the tree. corolarry: just because it is still standing, doesn't mean it is not dead. hoffstedt's employment principle: confusion creats jobs. soper's law: any bureacracy reorganised to enhance efficiency is immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor. gates' law: the only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what. mckernan's maxim: those who are unable to learn from past meetings are condemned to repeat them. owen's theory of organisational deviance: every organisation has an alloted number of positions to be filled by misfits. corolarry: once a misfit leaves another will be recruited. aigner's axiom: no matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results. things that can be marketing finance legal personnel planning engineering manufacturing top management courtois' rule: if people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. hutchins' law: you can't out-talk a man who knows what he's talking about. fahnstock's third law of debate: any argument worth debating is worth avoiding altogether. hartz's law of rhetoric: any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics. mitchell's laws of commitology: 1. any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough conferences are held to discuss it. 2. once the way to screw up a project is presented for consideration it will be accepted as the soundest solution. counted on in a crisis: says yes. says no. has to review it. is concerned. is frantic. is above it all. wants more floor space. wants someone responsible.

3. after the solution screws up the project, all those who initially endorsed it will say,'i wish i had voiced my reservations at the time.' kim's rule of commitees: if an hour has been spent amending a sentence, someone will move to delete the paragraph. the eleventh commandment: thou shalt not commitee. kennedy's comment on commitees: a commitee is twelve men doing the work of one. sweeney's law: the length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress. morris' law of conferences: the most interesting paper will be scheduled simultaneously with the second most interesting paper. third law of commito-dynamics: those most opposed to serving on commitees are made chairmen. helga's rule: say no, then negotiate. brown's rules of leadership: 1. to succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 2. the best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's going somewhere and get in front of them. the rule if the if the if the miles' law: where you stand depends on where you sit. fibley's extension to miles' law: where you sit depends on who you know. fox on power: arrogance is too often the companion of exellence. walton's law of politics: a fool and his money are soon elected. the fifth rule of politics: when a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong. wilkie's law: a good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. sherman's rule of press conferences: the explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in. of law: facts ae against you, argue the law. law is against you, argue the facts. facts and the law are against you, yell like hell.

roche's fifth law: every american crusade winds ip as a racket. miller's rule: exceptions prove the rule-and wreck the budget. buchwald's law: as the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. ogden nash's law: progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long. finnigan's law: the farther away the future is, the better it looks. simon's law of politics: glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. thompson's theorem: when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. first law of politics: stay in with the outs. law of promotional tours: jet lag accumulates unit directionally towards maximum difficulty to perform. robbins' mini-max rule of government: any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used. lowe's rule: success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view. horowitz's rule: wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. de nevers' law of complexity: the simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about. christie-davies' theorum: if your facts are wrong but your logic is perfect, then your conclusions are inevitably false. therefore, by making mistakes in your logic, you have at least a random chance to a correct conclusion. mclellan's law of cognition: only new categories escape the stereotyped thinking associated with old abstractions. hartz's uncertainty principle: ambiguity is invariant. de nevers' law of debate: two monologues do not make a dialog. emerson's observation: in every work of genius we recognise our rejected thoughts. hiram's law:

if you consult enough experts you can confirm any opinion. jordan's law: an informant who never produces misinformation is too deviant to be trusted. de nevers' lost law: never speculate on that which can be known for certain. las vegas law: never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to change. van roy's second law: if you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don't need advice. howe's law: everyone has a scheme that will not work. munder's corollary to howe's law: everyone who does not work has a scheme that does work. fox on decisiveness: 1. decisiveness is not in itself a virtue. 2. to decide not to decide is a decision. to fail to decide is a failure. 3. an important reason for an executive's existence is to make sensible exceptions to policy. ely's key to success: create a need, and fill it. bralek's rule for success: trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong. poulsen's prophecy: if anything is used to its full potential, it will break. mayne's law: nobody notices the big errors. principle of design inertia: any change looks terrible at first. eng's principle: the easier is to do it, the harder it is to change. robertson's law: quality assurance doesn't. wright's first law of quality: quality is inversely proportional to the time left for completion of the project. edwards' time/effort law: effort * time = constant a. given a large initial time to do something the initial effort will be small. b. as time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.

corollary: if it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. first law of corporate planning: anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything. beach's law: no two identical parts are alike. willoughby's law: when you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. the basic law of construction: cut it large and kick it into place. meissnre's law: any producing entity is the last to use its own product. macpherson's theory of entropy: it requires less energy to take an object out of its proper place than to put it back. special law: the work-bench is always untidier than last time. general law: the chaos in the universe always increases. schrank's first law: if it doesn't work, expand it. corollary: the greater the amgnitude, the less notice will be taken that it doesn't work. bitton's postulate on state-of-the-art electronics: if you understand it, it's obsolete. manubay's laws for programmers: 1. if a programmer's modification of an exisiting programme works, it's probably not what the users want. 2. users don't know what they really want, but they know for certain what they don't want. law of thermodynamics: 1. you cannot win. 2. you cannot break even. 3. you cannot get out of the game. if anything can go wrong, it wilkaghdvlkrfvq76321k5zc9v12k<269vkxz9k ied996z symptom dump output abend code system=0q9 time=25.31.19 seq=31675 cpu=0000 asid=004k psw at time of error 078d1000 81b5f5b0 ilc 4 intc 10 no active zproc found data at psw 01b5f5aa b1385810 b0509ba7 100047e0 gpr 0-3 13a5bc99 09234ba6 a0dc65ab cc712b69 gpr 4-7 3cebd794 1f2f3171 27a3b84c 59d6ae70 gpr 8-11 5a08f5b2 4d5d6f80 91fa01b2 c34d50e6 gpr 12-15 794613ce 7a8b9c0f 1c820dd4 4f0a4c6b end of symptom dump

# mrs. murphy's law (also known as the buttered-side-down law or the law of selective gravity): an object will fall so as to do the most damage. jenning's corollary: the chance of the bread falling butter side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. jenning's second corollary: if the bread fell on the non-buttered side, you buttered it on the wrong side. bernstein's law: a fallen body will always roll to the most inaccessible spot. the peter principle: every man is promoted to his own level of incompetence. watson's special case to the peter principle: managers in an organization will rise to their level of incompetence. schmitter's nonreciprocal laws of expectations: negative expectations yield negative results. positive expectations yield negative results. etorre's axiom (etorre's observation): the other line moves faster. skinner's constant (also known as flannagan's finagling factor): that quantity which, when multipliedby, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. gordon's first law: if a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well. maire's law (in the u.s., meyer's law): if the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. boren's law: 1) when in doubt, mumble. 2) when in trouble, delegate. 3) when in charge, ponder. schmitze's alternative: when in doubt, don't. the golden rule of arts and sciences: whoever has the gold makes the rules. barth's distinction: there are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. segal's law: a man with one watch knows what time it is. a man with two watches is never sure. -

the ninety-ninety rule of project scheduling: the first ninety percent of a task consumes ten percent of the time allotted; the last ten percent consumes the other ninety percent. farber's first law: give him an inch and he'll screw you. farber's second law: a hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else. farber's third law: we're all going down the same road in different directions. farber's fourth law: necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. first law of light housekeeping: dust breeds. witzenburg's law of airline travel: the distance between the ticket counter and your flight gate is directly proportional to the weight of your luggage and inversely proportional to the time remaining before take-off. goff's law of social smoking: in a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of a nonsmoker. medit's subway postulate: no matter which train you are waiting for, the wrong one arrives first. gestra's law of inertia: given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will eventually get done by itself. smith's third principle of bureaucratic tinkertoys: never do anything for the first time. chisholm's law of inevitability: anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. meshimen's law of perfection: there is never time to do it right but always time to do it wrong. price's law of politics: it is easier to be a liberal a long way from home. the unspeakable law: as soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away; if it is bad, it happens. wilkinson's corollary: the minimum time needed to complete any project is exactly equal to the maximum time available to work on it. bjork's extrapolation: a civil service expands by an inexorable rule of growth, irrespective of the work (if any) which has to be done. -

parkinson's second law: expenditure rises to meet income. parkinson's law of delay: delay is the deadliest form of denial. parkinson's law of institutions: instituitions build their perfect headquarters at the beginning of their decay. parkinson's official laws: 1. an official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals. 2. officials make more work for each other. mrs. parkinson's law (applies to the married women of the western world): heat produced by domestic pressure expands to fill the mind available from which it can pass only to a cooler mind. the harvard law: under the most rigorous controled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. the fundamental assumption: all assumptions are false. this is especially true of obvious assumptions. wayne's correlation: it is foolhardy to assume that jiggling x will not diddle y, however unlikely. the army general's law (also the admiral's law): nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it. velonis' principle: the question is always more important then the answer. the parliament law: the necessity for providing an answer varies inversely with the amount of time the question can be evaded. the first two rules of work: rule one: the boss is always right. rule two: when the boss is wrong, refer to rule one. adler's law: warranties cover only things that doesn't break down. o'brien's principle (also the $357.73 theory): auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom-line divisible by five or ten. nienberg's law: progress is made on alternate fridays. cahn's axiom: when all else fails, read the instructions. mellon's law (also known as luce's law): no good deed ever goes unpunished.

the executive umbrella law: a businessman needs three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home, and one to leave on the train. rowe's rule: the odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. weaver's law: when several employees share a cab, the employee in the front seat pays for all. dovle's corollary: no matter how many employees share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his expense account. horner's five-thumb postulate: experience gained is proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. man's law: no matter what happens, there is someone who knew it would. the captain's postulate: we are all in the same boat - the titanic. the fundamental law of entropy: left to themselves, things will go from bad to worse. (see murphy's eighth law.) russel's remark: a hero is a person who hasn't examined all the facts. mcluhan's observation: there are many who are looking forward through a rear view mirror. agnes' law: almost anything is easier to get into than out of. allen's remark: the lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. anthony's law of force: don't force it, get a larger hammer. the army theorem: an order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. the civil corollary: if you explain something so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will. bolton's law of budgeting: under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. boyle's law:

if not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. broder's law: anyone who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing the campaigning for it, is not to be trusted with the office. canada bill jones' creed: it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. canada bill jones' supplement: a smith and wesson beats four aces. colson's law: if you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. dirksen's motto: don't get mad, get even. finagle's warning: science is the truth. don't be misled by facts. finagle's correction: when an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been right in the first place. finagle's first law: if an experiment works, something has gone wrong. finagle's second law: no matter what result is anticipated, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened due to his own pet theory. finagle's third law: in any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. corollary 1: no one whom you ask for help will see it. corollary 2: everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately. finagle's fourth law: once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. finagle's rules: ever since the first scientific experiment, man has been plaqued by the increasing antagonism of nature. it seems only right that nature should be logical and neat, but experience has shown that this is not the case. a further series of rules has been formulated, designed to help man accept the pigheadedness of nature. rule 1: to study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. rule 2: always keep a record of data. it indicates you've been working. rule 3: always draw your curves, then plot the readings. rule 4: in case of doubt, make it sound convincing. rule 5: experiments should be reproducible. they should all fail

in the same way. rule 6: do not believe in miracles. rely on them. getty's prophecy: the meek shall inherit the earth but not its mineral rights. herblock's law: if it's good, they'll stop making it. hull's advice: never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. marshall's generalized iceburg theory: seven eighths of everything can't be seen. merrill's axiom: in a democracy, you can be respected though poor, but don't count on it. miles' law: the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. the first law of wing walking: never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. airplane law: when the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. allison's precept: the best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurences in that area. anthony's law of workshop: any tool, when dropped, will role into the least accessible corner of the workshop. corollary to anthony's law: on the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. axiom of the pipe (trischmann's paradox): a pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. baker's law: misery no longer loves company. nowadays it insists on it. barzun's laws of learning: 1) the simple but difficult arts of paying attention, copying accurately, following an argument, detecting an ambiguity or a false inference, testing quesses by summoning up contrary instances, organizing one's time and one's thought for studyall these arts-cannot be taught in the air but only through the difficulties of a defined subject. they cannot be taught in one course or one year, but must be acquired gradually in dozens of connections.

2) the analogy to athletics must be pressed until all recognize that in the exercise of intellect those who lack the muscles, coordination, and will power can claim no place at the training table, let alone on the playing field. forthoffer's cynical summary of barzun's laws: 1) that which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly. 2) if at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed. becker's law: it is much harder to find a job than to keep one. beinfelds principle: the probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. bicycle law: all bicycles a 30-pound a 40-pound a 50-pound blaauw's law: established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. booker's law: an ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. brien's first law: at some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out. brook's law: adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. clarke's first law: when a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. when he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. clarke's second law: the only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. clarke's third law: any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. clarke's law of revolutionary ideas: every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art or whatever evokes three stages of reaction. they may be summed up by the three phrases: 1) "it is completely impossible -- don't waste my time." 2) "it is possible, but it is not worth doing." 3) "i said it was a good idea all along." weigh 50 pounds: bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. bicycle needs no lock or chain.

cole's law: thinly sliced cabbage. cook's law: much work -- much food, little work -- little food, no work -- burial at sea. murphy's first law: nothing is as simple as it looks; murphy's second law: everything takes longer than you think. murphy's third law: in any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. murphy's fourth law: is there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. murphy's fifth law: if anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. murphy's sixth law: if you percieve that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. murphy's seventh law: left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. (see the fundamental law of entropy.) murphy's eighths law: if everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. murphy's nineth law: nature always sides with the hidden flaw. murphy's tenth law: mother nature is a bitch. murphy's eleventh law: it is impossible to make anything foolproof because tools are so ingenious. murphy's law of thermodynamics: things get worse under pressure. murphy's asymptotic descent: when everything possible has gone wrong, things will probably get worse. zymurgy's seventh exception to murphy's law: when it rains, it pours. zymurgy's law on the availability of volunteer labor: people are always available for work in the past tense. -

wynne's law: negative slack tends to increase. worker's dilema law (or management's put-down law): 1) no matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 2) what you don't do is always more important than what you do do. wolf's law (an optimistic view of a pessimistic world): it isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (murphy's law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong. wiker's law: government expands to absorb revenue and then some. white's statement: don't lose heart... owen's comment on white's statement: ...they might want to cut it out... byrd's addition to owen's comment on white's statement: ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. white's chappagwiddick theorem: the sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better. westheimer's rule: to estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. thus we allocate two days for a one hour task. weinberg's law: if builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. weinberg's corollary: an expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. weber-fechner law: the least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing. vonnegut's corollary: beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core. vigue's law: a man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. vail's axiom: in any human enterprises, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level. truth 5.1 of management: organizations always have too many managers. -

bucy's law: nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. bye's first law of model railroading: anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewrs. bye's second law of model railroading: the desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype. camp's law: a coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place. cheop's law: nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. churchill's commentary on man: man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. cohen's law: what realy matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the factsnot the facts themselves. commoner's three laws of ecology: 1) no action is without side-effects. 2) nothing is ever goes away. 3) there is no free lunch. (see crane's law.) cornuelle's law: authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. crane's law (friedman's reiteration): there ain't no such thing as a free lunch. diogenes' first dictum: the more heavily man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to escape being taxed. diogenes' second dictum: if a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will. dow's law: in a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. dunne's law: the territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation. evan's law of politics: when team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team. everitt's form of the second law of thermodynamics: confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. nevertheless, this effort will still result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

the fifth rule: you have taken yourself too seriously. grendel's law: there is no limit to desire, but desire's need. first law of bicycling: no matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. first law of bridge: it's always partner's fault. first law of canoeing (alfred's andrews' canoeing postulate): no matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back. first law of debate: never argue with a fool. people might not know the difference. first law of office holders: get re-elected. fitz-gibbon's law: creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth. flap's law: any inanimate object, regardless of its position or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. fortis' three great lies of life: 1) money isn't everything. 2) it's great to be a negro. 3) i'm only going to put it in a little way. fourtinth corollary of atwood's general law of dynamic negatives: no books are lost by loaning except for those you particularly wanted to keep. franklin's rule: blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed. gib's laws of unreliability: 1) computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. corollary: at the source of any error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including th error of blaming it on the computer. 2) any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) the only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front. 7) undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to

detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 9) investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. golden rules of indulgence: everything in excess! to enjoy the full flavour of life, take big bites. moderation is for monks. yield to temtation; it may never pass your way again. gray's law of programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks. logg's rebuttal to gray's law of programming: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks. gresham's law: trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved. grosch's law: computing power increases as the square of the cost. if you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast. gummidge's law: the amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. gumperson's law: the probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. hacker's law of personnel: anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed. hagerty's law: if you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both. haldane's law: the inverse is not only queerer than we imagine; it is queerer than we can imagine. --harper's magazine's law: you never find an article until you replace it. hartley's first law: you can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something. hartley's second law: never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. heller's law: the first myth of management is that it exists.

johnson's corollary to heller's law: nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization. howard's first law of theater: use it. hull's theorem: the combined pull of several protons is the sum of their seperate pulls multiplied by the number of protons. ibm polyanna principle: machines should work. people should think. imhoff's law: the organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tankthe really big chunks always rise to the top. iron law of distribution: them what has - gets. italian proverb: she who is silent consents. jenkinson's law: it won't work. john cameron's law: no matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. john's axiom: when your opponent is down, kick him. john's collateral corollary: in order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. johnson's first law of auto repair: any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will role under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center. johnson-laird's law: toothache tends to start on saturday night. jones' law: the man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. jones' motto: friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. katz's law: men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. kerr-martin law: 1) in dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives. 2) in dealing with other people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

kirkland's law: the usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance. kitman's law: pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the tv screen. lani's principles of economics: 1) taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 2)k 100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more thank 100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing. 3) in god we trust, all others pay cash. la rochefoucauld's law: it is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be decieved by them. law of communication: the inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. law of computability applied to social science: if at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. law of perversity of nature (mrs. murphy's corollary): you cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. law of superiority: the first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle. laws 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) of computer programming: any given program, when running, is obsolete. any given program costs more and takes longer. if a program is useful, it will have to be changed. if a program is useless, it will have to be documented. any given program will expand to fill all available memory. the value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 8) make it possible for programmers to write programms in english, and you will find that programmers cannot write in english. of gardening: other people's tools work only in other people's yards. fancy gizmos don't work. if nobody uses it, there's a reason. you get the most of what you need the least.

laws 1) 2) 3) 4) le chatelier's law: if some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress. les miserables metalaw: all laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter. -

long's notes: 1) always store beer in a dark place. 2) any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 3) always listen to experts. they'll tell you what can't be done, and why. then do it. 4) it has long been known that one horse can run faster than anotherbut which one? differences are crucial. 5) a poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 6) small change can often be found under seat cushions. 7) it's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 8) secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 9) it's better to copulate than never. 10) never appeal to man's "better nature". he may not have one. (invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.) 11) an elephant: a mouse built to government specifications. 12) a zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. 13) god is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. it says so right here on the label. if you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultanously, i have a wonderful bargain for you. no checks, please. cash and in small bills. 14) waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. for the first offense, that is. 15) beware of altruism. it is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. 16) never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 17) rub her feet. 18) to stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 19) does history record any case in which the majority was right? 20) be wary of strong drinks. it can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. 21) never try to outstubborn a cat. 22) natural laws have no pity. 23) you can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trusting. 24) anything free is worth what you pay for it. 25) pessimist by policy, optimist by temperamentit is possible to be both. how? by never taking unnecessary chances and by minimizing risks you can't avoid. this permits you to play the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome. 26) "i came, i saw, she conquered." (the original latin seems to have been garbled.) 27) the greatest productive force is human selfishness. 28) a skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank". 29) the correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "of course it's none of my business, but..." is to place a period after the "but". don't use excessive force in supplying such morons with a period. cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. 30) don't try to have the last word. you might get it. lord falkland's rule: when it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. lowery's law: if it jams, force it. if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

malek's law: any simple idea will be worded out in the most complicated way. malinkowski's law: looking from above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. dean martin's definition of drunkenness: you're not drunk if you can lie in the floor without holding on. martin-berthelot principles: of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. match's axiom: a fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. mathsch's law: it is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. macclaughry's codicil on jone's motto: to make an enemy, do someone a favor. macclaughry's law of zoning: where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it will always break down. mcgoon's law: the probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager. h. l. mencken's law: those who can -- do. those who cannot -- teach. those who cannot teach -- administrate. (martin's extension) merrill's first corollary: there are no winners in life; only survivors. merrill's second corollary: in the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road. michehl's theorem: less is more. pastore's comment on michel's theorem: nothing is ultimate. miller's law: you can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. mobil's maxim: bad regulation begets worse regulation. -

newton's little-known seventh law: a bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. oesmer's law: there is a tendency fro the person in the most powerful position in an organization to spend all his time serving on committees and signing letters. ordering principle: those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon. osborn's law: variables won't, constants aren't. pardo's postulates: 1) anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. 2) the three faithful things in life are maney, a dog, and an old woman. 3) don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want. pareto's law (the 20/80 law): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth. parker's rule of parlimentary procedure: a moption to adjurn is always in order. parker's law of political statements: the truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility and vice versa. parkinson's first law: work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in the perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion. parkinson's third law: if there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. parkinson's fourth law: the number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. pastore's truths: 1) even paranoids have enemies. 2) this job is marginally better then daytime tv. 3) on alcohol: four is one more than more than enough. peckham's law: beauty times brain equals constant. peer's law: the solution to a problem changes the problem. peter's corollaries: 1) incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 2) the work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet

reached their level of incompetence. 3) if at first you don't succeed, try something else. peter's inversion: internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency. peter's paradox: employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues. peter's perfect people palliative: each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities. in considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. we should refrain from making harsh judgements of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches. peter's theorem: incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence. potter's law: the amount of flak received on any subject is reversely proportional to the subject's true value. productivity equation: the productivity, p, of a group of people is: p = n * t * (0.55 - 0.00005 * n * (n - 1)) where n is the the number of people in the group and t is the number of hours in a work period. professor gordon's rule of evolving bryographic systems: while bryographic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concrete state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. one notices in such cases and and absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. we therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss. pudder's law: anything that begins well ends badly. anything that begins badly ends worse. puritan's law: evil is live spelled backwards. puritan's second law: if its good, don't do it. o's law: no matter what stage of completion one reaches in a north sea (oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same. rangnekar's 1) if you 2) if you 3) if you 4) if you modified rules concerning decisions: must make a decision, delay it. can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so. can form a commite, have them avoid the decision. can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.

rayburn's rule: if you want to get along, go along. rudin's law: in a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people choose the worst one possible. rule of accuracy: when working towards the solution of a problem it always helps if you know the answer. sam's axiom: 1) any line, however short, is still too long. 2) work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green. sattinger's law: it works better if you plug it in. shalit's law: the intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie. shanahan's law: the length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. shaw's principle: build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. simmon's law: the desire for ratial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event. simon's law: everything put together sooner or later fall apart. snafu equations: 1) given any problem containing n equations, there will be n+1 unknowns. 2) an object or bit of informationmost needed, will be least available. 3) any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) interchangable devices won't. 5) in any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) badness comes in waves. sociology's iron law of oligarchy: in any organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow. spare parts principle: the accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway. steele's plagiarism of somebody's philosophy:

everyone should believe in somethink --i believe i'll have another drink. sturgeon's law: 90 per cent of everything is crude. swipple rule of order: he who shouts loudest has the floor. terman's law: there is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost. terman's law of innovation: if you want a track team to win the high jump you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot. theory of the international society of philosophic engineering: in any calculation, any error which can creep in will. thoreau's law: if you see a man approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life. transcription law: the number of errors made is equal to the number of 'squares' employed. truman's law: if you cannot convince them, confuse them. truths of management: 1) think before you act; it's not your money. 2) all good management is the expression of one great idea. 3) no executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong. 4) cash in must exceed cash out. 5) management capability is always less then the organization actually needs. 6) either an executive can do his job or he can't. 7) if sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action don't do it. 8) if you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly. 9) if you are attempting the impossible, you will fail. 10) the easiest way of making money is to stop losing it. barber's laws of backpacking: 1) the integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you choose to hike always comes out positive. 2) any stone in your boot always migrate against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. 3) the weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. if you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway. 4) the number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail. 5) the difficulty of finding any given trail is marker is directly proportional to the inportance of the consequences of failing to find it. 6) the size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

7) the remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches. 8) the net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail. 9) when you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full. 10) if you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again. 11) the local density of mosquitoes is inversely proportional to your remaining repellant. in a plate of bacon and eggs, the pig was commited , the chicken was involved. it is considered poor judgement to attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps. the only constant thing in today's world is change. an army narches on its stomach, an enterprise on its data nothing is ever so simple as it seems. if you fool around with a thing long enough, it will eventually break. nothing ever quite works out. if you try to please everybody, someone is not going to like it. everything always costs more money then you have. whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. if you throw something away, you'll need it. things get really dangerous when idiots become enterprising. no one is useless - one can always serve as a bad example. he who works hard, makes mistakes. he who doesn't work, doesn't make mistakes. he who doesn't make mistakes gets promoted. in our organization, everyone can become what he wishes whether he wishes it or not. when you are up to your fanny in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp. when your pants are falling, hang on to your underpants. a camel is a horse designed by a committee. show me a home where the buffalo roam and i'll show you a house full of shit. the problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. -

the concept seems to be clear by now. it has been defined several times by examples of what it is not. every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one loop ... ... and at least one bug! counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs. mathematicians are like frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. goethe for the man who has everything... penicillin. symbolic logic has been disowned by many logicians on the plea that its interest is mathematical, and by many mathematicians on the plea that its interest is logical. if and only if you can prove 'p if and only if q', q is a called a necessary and sufficient condition for p. to iterate is human; to recurse, divine. today's alchemists believe in glass-discs, perceptrons, photoscopic stores, and project lavi. there are no foolish questions, and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions. in spite of recent progress in scince, the depths of human imbecility have not yet been plumbed. one picture is worth a thousand reels of tape. one picture worths 1k words. i see some wires that are missing! the trapdoors to failure outnumber the shortcuts to success. subtlety is the art of saying what you think, and getting out of the way before it is understood. compatible designs are based upon compatible goals agreed to by compatible people. remember, the best ideas originate in the u.s.; other people have to think and talk in foreign language. this gives you a tremendous technical edge. the road to hell is paved with nand gates. i know you believe you understand what you think i said, but i'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant. logical methods, at best, rearrange the way in which personal bias is to be introduced into the problem.

no problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. to the systems programmer, the customers and users serve only to provide a test load. don't sweat on it! it's just 1's and 0's! the reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. therefore all progress depends on unreasonable man. j. b. shaw a wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool from the bottom of a well. a plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. a lie in time saves nine. a king's castle is his home. one family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. when you go out to buy, don't show your silver. if you continually give, you will continually have. your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. you are always busy. by following the good, you learn to be good. to save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. to give happiness is to deserve happiness. a lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time-never. the only rose without thorns is friendship. to do is to be - nietzsche to be is to do - sartre do be do be do - sinatra if you wish to succeed, consult three old people. draw your salary before spending it. the light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. voltaire the wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. the rich get rich, the poor get poorer. the haves get more, the have-nots die. -

man and wife make one fool. lonely men seek companionship. lonely women sit at home and wait. they never meet. ehpl ! imat arppdei sndi eht ebm-i81 18-mbi eht edisni deppart ma i ! pleh he who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. he who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. he is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. happiness is just an illusion filled with sadness and confusion. for people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. everything bounds to success, even grammer. everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. even the boldest zebra fear the hungry lion. conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. by failing to prepare, you are preapairing to fail. behind every argument is someone's ignorance. you cannot kill time without injuring eternity. worth seeing? yes, but not worth going to see. words must be weighed, not counted. with clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. why did the lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility. whenever i feel like exercise, i lie down until the feeling passes. when you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself americanized. when the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. when god endowed human beings with brains, he did not intend to guarantee them. what this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. -

what orators lack in depth they make up in length. what makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer. we read to say that we have read. we promise according to our hopes, and performing accordind to our fears. we prefare to speak evil of ourselves than not speaking of ourselves at all. massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. to refuse praise is to seek praise twice. to laugh at men of sense is the previlege of fools. to keep your friends, treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. to criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. this account will self destruct in five minutes. there's one fool at least in every married couple. there is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear. there are three things i have always loved and never understoodart, music and women. there are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. there are more drunkards than old doctors. the world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt. the star of riches is shining upon you. the plural of spouse is spice. the minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he is not. the gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. the first thing i do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. the days just prior to amrriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. the best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. the best prophet of the future is the past. the attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.

take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. stop searching forever! happiness is unattainable. stop searching forever! happiness is just next to you. standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. some men are discovered; others are found out. sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. reputation is what others are not thinking about you. put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. preserve the old, but know the new. people will buy anything that's one to a customer. people who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts for support rather than illumination. of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. money can say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. money can buy friendship, but money cannot buy love. money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. what we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. the only consequence is what we do. john rushin nothing adds to a person's leisure time like doing things when they are supposed to be done. o. a. battista all life is an experiment. the more experiments you make- the better. r. w. emerson even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

will rogers you can't think and hit at the same time. yogi berra life cannot wait until the sciences may have explained the universe scientifically. we cannot put off living until we are ready. the most salient characteristic of life is its coersiveness: it is always urgent, 'here and now' without any possible postponement. life is fired at us point blank. j. o. y. gasset man is born to live and not to prepare to live. borice pasternak it takes a person who is wide awake to make his dreams come true. roger babson discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought. albert szent-gyorgyi the important thing in life is to have a great aim and to possess the aptitude and the perseverance to attain it. goethe go confidently in the direction of your dreams. live the life you had imagined. h. d. thoreau to live is the rearest thing in the world. most people exist, that's all. oscar wilde great minds have purposes; others have wishes. washington irving as i grow older, i pay less attention to what men say. i just watch what they do. andrew carnegie let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. my strength lies solely in my tenacity. louis pasteur we shall either find a way or make one. hannibal you will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration. james allen when men are arrived at the goal, they should not turn back. plotarch lord, grunt that i may always desire more then i can accomplish. michaelangelo no nobel thing can be done without risks. montaigne

climate is what we expect, wheather is what we get ! robert a. heinlein the single biggest time-waster in the world is not completting what you start. john garner let us endevour so to live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry. mark twain notice the difference between what happens to a man who says to himself, 'i have failed three times', and what happens when he says, 'i am a failure'. s. i. hayakawa every great and commending moment in the annals of the world, is the triumph of some enthusiasm. r. w. emerson when schemes are laid in advance, it is surprising how often the circumstances fit in with them. w. osler power undirected by high-purpose spells calamity; and high-purpose by itself is utterly useless if the power to put it into a fact is lacking. t. roosevelt the great end of life is not knowledge but action. t. h. huxley life spent in making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful then a life spent in doing nothing. j. b. shaw when written in chinese, the word 'crisys' is composed of two charactersone represent 'danger' and the other represents 'opportunity'. j. f. kennedy whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. boldness has genius, power and magic in it. goethe there are obviously two educations. the one should teach us how to make a living, and the other how to live. j. t. adams judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers. voltaire the important thing is not to stop questioning. einstein every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one has not time to write down. victor hugo -

thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. plato chance favors the prepared mind. louis pasteur two percent of the people make things happen. three percent of the people watch things happen. ninety-five percent of the people wonder what happened. learn from yesterday... live for today... look to tomorrow... rest this afternoon...! snoopy security is having an extra pair of dry socks in the winter. linus what you resist - persists. pat grove he who can - does. he who cannot do - teaches. he who cannot teach - manages. ink: a villanious compound of tannogalate of iron, gum-arabic and water chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. kleptomaniac: a rich thief. labour: one of the processes by which a acquires property for b. liar: a lawyer with a roving commission. major premise: sixty men can do a piece of work sixty time as quickly as one man. minor premise: one man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. conclusion : sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. mad: affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. november: the eleventh twelfth of a weariness. once, adv.: enough. positive: mistaken at the top of one's voice. it has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. sex is not the answer, sex is the question. "yes" is the answer .

a dentist is who putting metal in one"s mouth and pulls coins out of one"s pocket. the sum of the intelligance on this planet is constant; the population is growing. politicians do it to everyone. statisticians do it with 95% confidence. bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). the father, the son and the holy ghost would never throw the devil out of heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. god gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends. test makers do it sometimes/always/never. mathematicians do it in theory. hugh hefner is a virgin ! coward : one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. it is much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know nothing about the problem. enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. jerome lettvin idiot : a member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. conway's law: in any organization there will always be one person who know what is going on. this person must be fired. harris' lament: all the good ones are taken. it is easier to get forgiveness than permission. it is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice. a raisin is a sad grape ... if nobody is perfect -_ god loves you! which -_ if you can't beat it -_ please don't give me -_ t h i n k - it may -_ - then i must be nobody. proves he has a great sence of humor !!! ......... smash it. advice - i prefer to make my own mistakes! be a new experience.

i think - therefore i am confused ! -_ when things go wrong - as they usually will , and your daily road seems all up-hill , when founds are low , and debts are high , when you try to smile - but can only cry , and you nearly think , you'd like to quit don't run to me ........ i don't give a shit. -_ when you argue with a fool , make sure he doesn't do the same ! -_ god made us all human - but not everyone could keep this form. -_ on the rear window of mini - minor car : when i grow up , i want to be a mercedes. -_ on the rear window of mini - minor car : my other car is cadilak. -_ i want to be now , what i've been then , when i wanted to be , what i'm now. -_ work is not a rabbit . it wo'nt run . you can sit ! -_ hard work never harmed anyone. but why should we take the chance ? -_ when i'm right - no one remembers. when i'm wrong - no one forgets. -_ your chances to meet a young attractive girl grow proportionally when 1) you go with your wife 2) you go with your date 3) you go with a richer and more handsome male friend -_ when all attempts failed - read instruction manual. -_ a friend in need is a friend indeed. -_ what's the difference between a lady and a politician ? when a lady says 'no' she means 'maybe' when a lady says 'maybe' she means 'yes' when a lady says 'yes' she is not a lady any more when a politician says 'yes' he means 'maybe' when a politician says 'maybe' he means 'no' when a politician says 'no' he is not a politician any more. -_ god's last name isn't damn it -_ do not worry america israel is behind you. -_ bold is beautiful god made so many perfect heads . the others he covered with hair. -_ he who works - makes mistakes. avoid mistaking. -_

laughter makes you fat, and than you stop laughing ! -_ if people who do not understand each other understand at least that they do not understand each other, they do understand each other more than the times when not understanding each other they do not even understand that they do not understand each other. -_ a synonym-a word you use when you don't know how to pronounce the other. -_ eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day ! -_ i am my grandfather! i have married a widow who has a daughter. my father fall in love with my step-daughter and married her. so my father became my son-in-law and my step-daughter became my step-mother, because she had married my father. my wife has gave ne a child, who became my father's brother-inlaw and also his uncle, being the brother of my step-mother, who is my daughter. in addition, my father's wife (who is my daughter) had a son, who is my brother (because he is my father's son) and my grandson (being my daughter's son). hence, my wife is also my grandmother, and i have become a ahusband and grandson to my wife. and being grandmother's husband a grandfather, i have become my grandfather. -_ i have prolonged my letter since i had no time to shorten it. b. pascal -_ wise is the man who introduced first the idea of god. eurephides -_ it is not an easy job to sleep. you must be awake all day for it. nitsche -_ i have often been sorry for things i have said, but never for keeping my mouth shut. -_ to succeed in life, a man must be wise but look like a fool. monteskie -_ man is a crazy creature; it can create not a single worm, and yet he creates dozens of gods. montaigne -_ god will forgive me. it is his job. heine -_ silence is a novel talking artistry. -_ talk to a person about himself, and he will listen to you for hours. disraeli -_ i must admit that your work is original and good. but the good part is not original and the original part is not good... samuel johnson -_ we start counting man's years only when there's nothing else countable about him. r. w. emerson -_ blessed be the one, who, when having nothing to say, avoids proving

that in words. g. eliot -_ a sharp tongue is the only tool that sharpens as it is used. w. irving -_ love - a selfish deed done in twosome. -_ thieves demand your money or your life. women demand them both. -_ for women anything is the heart... ...including the head. -_ do not speak evil of yourselves! your friends would do it better. -_ what is awfully tiny and glittering? (an ant with a gold-tooth) -_ what is blue and flying in the sky? (a bird wearing trainig-suit) -_ what is green and running awfully fast? (an ambitious cucumber) -_ rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. william webb ellis a man was told by his doctor: "you are going to make medical history, you are the only male ever recorded who has become pregnant." the man replied: "this is terrible, whatever will the neighbours say, i'm not even married." an old lady went to the doctor because she was constipated. "well, d'you do anything about it?" he enquired. "of course i do, doctor, i sit there for hours." "no, no, mrs. bloggs, i mean, do you take anything?" "oh yes, doctor, i takes me knitting." the school doctor was examining a girl of goodly proportions, and, taking up his stethoscope, said: "big breaths." "yeth," said the girl, "and i'm not thixteen yet." a woman went to the doctor and complained she couldn't get passionate. the doctor examined her, and told her that if she would follow his special diet she would get very randy. this was agreed, but after a few weeks she was back, and said: "there's something gone wrong! last night i got so passionate i chewed my boyfriend's ear off." "oh, don't worry about that trifle, it's only protein, no carbohydrates." two harley street men were talking of professional difficulties. said one who was specialist in beauty treatment for rich women: "you can't win, i warned lady mucke against having so many facelifts, but she would go on, and now she's suing me!" "really, what's the matter?" "she's got a beard." -

a man came to the surgery covered with blood and bruises. ..."what's the matter?" said the doctor. "it's my wife - another of her nightmares!" "don't talk daft man! she might have kicked you, but not these injuries..." "listen doc, she had one of her nightmares, she shouted out: 'get out quick, my husband's coming home' and me being only half awake, naturally, i jumped straight out of the window." an innocent young woman told her doctor she was not feeling at all well lately. after examination, the doctor told her she was pregnant... "but that's impossible, i've never been with a man!" the doctor patiently explained the facts of life to her in some detail. "well!" she said, "and that lousy first aid instructor told me it was artificial respiration." a man went into his club leading a snake on a string. the barman took a poor view of this, and fetched the secretary, who said: "hey, is that snake poisonous?" "yes." "then what happens if he bites one of the members?" "oh that's no trouble, he just gets a friend to suck the wound." "suppose he gets bitten up the backside?" "that's when he finds out who his friends are!" computer: never before in history has man created a machine that can make so many mistakes so rapidly and with such competence. program: a set of sentences with a bug. programmer: red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate monsters. bit: the increment by which programmers slowly go mad. chaining: a method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output. checkpoint: the location from which a programmer draws his salary. common language: the first thing a programmer must forget to be successful. low order position: the programmer's location in the chain of command. special character: a character which is out of the ordinary, different; a resident of greenwich village. error: what someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output.

logical operation: getting out of data processing to marry a rich widow. parameter: the absolute limit beyond which the secretary yells for help. pass: what one makes at the secretary. fixed word: four letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. floating control: a characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the rest-room but can't leave the computer. floating point: the absolute limit before floating control is lost. arithmetical shift: preferred apparel of female mathematicians. mathematical model: 42 - 26 - 38 mathematical check: remuneration received by a mathematical model. access time: the time between the instant at which information is called for and the instant at which management expects the final report. block diagram: schematic gibberish. flow chart: a graphic representation of the fastest route to the coffee machine. branch instraction: advice from a district office. input: food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc... internal sort: the stomach, liver and kidneys keep changing position. library: an organized collection of obsolete material. complement: an antique, outdated form of speech once used to express appreciation. debugging: removing the needless from the haystack. core storage: a receptacle for the center section of apples.

external storage: waste basket. counter: a device over which martinis are served. housekeeping: letting the next person clean up your mess in the computer area. macro: the last half of an expression of surprise. for example: "holy macro!". memory dump: amnesia. microsecond: the amount of time needed for a program to hang up. assumed decimal point: located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth. on-line: full, but not drunk. off-line: failure to pass the sobriety test. overflow: result of being too much off-line. the ten commands: 1. i am the program of highest priority. thou shalt have none in core before me. 2. thou shalt not create graven simulations. 3. remember thy down time and keep record of it wholly. 4. honor thy interrupt and priority. 5. thou shalt not kill the system. 6. thou shalt not steal cycles. 7. thou shalt not commit swapping. 8. thou shalt not take my main in vain. 9. thou shalt not bear false passwords against thy neighbour's data. 10. thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's os, nor his asp, nor his burroughs nor his baud. the manager's repertory; or, how to stifle creative thinking: we have never done it that way before ... it won't work ... we haven't the time ... we haven't the manpower ... it's not in the budget ... we have tried that before ... we are not ready for it yet ... all right in theory but can you put it in practice ... somebody would have suggested it before if it were any good ... too modern ... too old-fashioned ... let's discuss it some other time ... you don't understand our problem ... we are too small for that ...

we are too big for that ... we have too many projects now ... let's make a market research test first ... it has been the sane for twenty years so it must be good ... i just know it won't work ... let's form a committee ... let's think it over for a while and watch the developements ... that's not our problem ... they'll think we are long-haired ... it won't work in my territory ... customers won't stand for it ... why something new now? out sales are still going up ... let's wait and see ... here we go again ... let's put it in writing ... i don't see the connection ... we can't do it under the regulations ... political dynamite ... sounds good but i don't think it will work ... it's not in the plan ... no regulations covering it ... we've never used that approach before ... it's not in the manual ... it'll mean more work ... it's not our responsibility ... it will increase overhead ... it won't pan out ... our people won't accept it ... it's too early ... it's too late ...

the seven phases of a project: 1. enthusiasm 2. disillusionment 3. destruction of useful documentation 4. search for the guilty 5. punishment of the innocent 6. promotion of the incompetent 7. panic the fifteen laws of project management: 1. you cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 2. the same work under the same conditions will be estimated differently by ten different estimators or by one estimator at ten different times. 3. the most valuable and least used word in a project-manager's vocabulary is "no". 4. you can con a sucker into committing an unreasonable dead-line, but you can't bully him into meeting it. 5. the more ridiculous the deadline, the more it costs to try and meet it. 6. the more desperate the situation, the more optimistic the situatee. 7. too few people on a project can't solve the problem; too many create more problems then they solve. 8. you can freeze the user's specs, but he won't stop executing. 9. frozen specs and the abominable snowman are alike; they are both myths and they both melt when sufficient heat is applied. 10.the conditions attached to a promise are forgotten and the promise is remembered. 11.what you don't know will hurt you.

12.a user will tell you anything you ask about, nothing more. 13.of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient one is the only correct one. 14.what is not on paper has not been said. 15.parkinson and murphy are alive and well - in your project. so much of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to work. management says the first job of the supervisor is human relations. but when promotion time comes they promote the fellow who puts in his paperwork. if a manager spends more then ten percent of his time on "human relations" the group is probably too large. the main impact of the computer has been the provision of unlimited jobs for clerks. the only things that evolve by themselves in an organization are disorder, friction and malperformance. growth that adds volume without improving productivity is fat. growth that diminishes productivity is cancer. reorganization is surgery. one doesn't just cut. when you have 186 objectives nothing gets done. long range planning does not deal with future decisions, but with the futurity of present decisions. strong people always have strong weaknesses. many believe that if people are sufficiently poor and live in sufficiently horrible conditions, they become honest. years ago working people saw themselves as part of a group the working class. today the worker on the assembly line sees himself as a reject. in all recorded history there has not been one economist who had to worry about where the next meal would come from. a considerable amount of monotony is necessary and certainly good for the great majority of men. project slightly behind original schedule due to unforseen difficulties. (we are working on something else.) the designs are well within available limits. (we just made it, stretching a point or two.) close project coordination. (we should have asked someone else - or: let's spread the responsibility for this.) customer satisfaction is believed assured. (we were so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get

anything at all from us.) the design will be finalized in the next reporting period. (we haven't started this job yet but we have got to say something.) a number of different approaches are being tried. (we don't know where we are going but we are moving.) preliminary operational tests are inconclusive. (the darn thing just blew up when we threw the switch.) extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem. (we just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.) test results were extremely gratifying. (it works and we are surprised.) the entire concept will have to be abandoned. (the only guy who ever understood the thing quit.) modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties. (we threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.) a meeting has been scheduled with our customer representatives. (we are running out of money.) the study has opened up new avenues of activity not previously contemplated. (we already ran out of money; how about another six month on that gravy train?) major technological breakthrough. (back to the drawing board.) developed after years of intensive research. (it was discovered by accident.) "the hebrews do it backwards, which is positively frightening." lerner and loewe on stack machines "i do not choose to run." calvine coolidge on behalf of the tss "it was the best of times and it was the worst of times." charles dickens on benchmarks "there's a sucker born any minute." p. i. barnum on behalf of the 3790 "nuts!" general anthony mcauliffe on apl users "the sun, which passeth through pollutions, and itself remains as pure as before." francis bacon on ibm "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." vince lombardi on antitrust suits -

"you want more?" charles dickens on paging richard m. nixon on data-bases: "let me make this perfectly clear: when bidirectional virtual is specified for the physical parent of a logical child which is virtually paired, it causes the physical parent segment to be deleted when the last active physical child is also a logical child which is virtually paired is deleted." marquis de sade on data-bases: "i strongly recommend the use of chains." euclid on data-bases: "a flat file is not a list of apartments." harold robbins on data-bases: "a flat file needs padded records." faith begora on data-bases: "a lexicon is a small irish dictionary." fanny hill on data-bases: "telecommunications is baudy." sdd song center on data-bases: "on a clear disk you can seek forever." u.s. census bureau on data-bases: "hollerith got us into this hole mess." the john birch society on data-bases: "it is unnatural for parents to have virtual logical children." sigmund freud on data-bases: "a virtual data-base is a segment of your imagination." eugene o'neull on data-bases: "a checkpoint runs a long day's journal into night."