25 GB

THE SELF-HELP MAGAZINE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR
Issue 25
TM
Bonkers?
LEARNING, LAUGHING & STRESS-FREE LIVING
Going
Zest for Life

How to Get It Back & How to Keep It
The Clean Slate

How to Make Changes that Last
Stop Calling Him Honey

How to Avoid the Roommate Syndrome in Your Relationship
Hitting the Wall

How to Keep Going When You Feel Like Giving Up
Jean Houston
New Beliefs
Empowering
Bonkers?
Editor in Chief: J. Carol Pereyra Production/Designer: Marcelo Holzinger Subscriptions: Jenny Hollis Marketing: Joe Pereyra Staff Writers: Nicki Blake, Lou Isaacs Roey King, Rene Brunts, Robyn Sabes
Going
Letter from the Editor

So we rang in the New Year with resolutions in hand. Now what? If youre like me, perhaps you were a tad bit ambitious in making your resolutions. I vowed to find my life purpose (yes, Im still looking), never eat another bite of junk food, run five miles every day (even though Ive never been a runner) and live with an attitude of gratitude. So far, Ive only stuck with a grateful attitude, sometimes. Making important life changes is always easier said than done. It was so easy to write my resolution list, yet so hard to live it! While I havent exactly met my original goals, I havent abandoned them either. Instead, Ive come up with a more realistic and achievable plan. And as part of my new and improved plan, I shoot for progress not perfection. Ive also discovered that any day, not just January 1, is a great day for a new beginning. Today is the perfect day to take a small step toward living a healthy lifestyle, get your finances in order, improve your relationships, or make other positive improvements in your life. The insightful articles in this issue will inspire you to do all this and more. And if youre tackling even bigger life issues, like seeking your lifes purpose, then youll want to tap into the wisdom of our featured writer, Jean Houston. Jean is not only a best-selling author, scholar, and philosopher; she is one of the foremost visionary thinkers of our time, and one of the principal founders of the Human Potential Movement. She takes us on a journey of transformation as she shows us how to let go of old beliefs and patterns and make room for the new beliefs that will empower us to awaken to and live our higher purpose. In closing, I want to take this opportunity to express a huge and heartfelt Thank You to each of you! We receive your letters and your words of encouragement, and they mean so much to me and our small staff. We sincerely appreciate your support! As we travel 2012 together, my wish for you is that your cup overflows with love, peace, happiness and good health, and that you remember that each day, especially today, is a great day for a new beginning! Lets get started Blessings to each and every one of you!
C ONTRIBUTING W RITERS
Dr. Jean Houston Travis Bradberry, Ph.D Dr. Janet Greenwood Bob Whipple, MBA, CPLP Patricia Leavy, Ph.D Arielle Ford Rebecca Fisher Daniel Speraw Becky Due Todd Wellman Maggie Arana Carole Brody Fleet Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D Rick Hanson, Ph.D Dr. Judith Orloff Sara Bean, M.Ed. Robert C. Jameson, MFT Toni Coleman Keith Varnum Sarah Stone Gretchen Rubin Carol Grever Thom Rutledge Jackie Lapin
C ARTOONISTS & I LLUSTRATORS

Randy Glasbergen - www.glasbergen.com Dennis Cox - www.djart.com Jonny Hawkins - jonnyhawkins2nz@yahoo.com
C ONTACT U S
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T HIS I SSUE 25
Volume 6, Number 1 (Winter 2012) Going Bonkers (ISSN 1933-7752) is published quartery by Going Bonkers, LLC.
C OPYRIGHT N OTICE
All rights reserved. Copyright 2006-2012 Going Bonkers, LLC. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission is prohibited. Going Bonkers, Bonkerisms, Bonkeroids, Bonkers Bits, Wacky Wisdom and 60-Second Self are trademarks and the use of these trademarks is strictly prohibited.
D ISCLAIMER
The articles and information contained in Going Bonkers Magazine are for entertainment purposes only, and are not intended to diagnose or treat physical, mental or emotional illnesses. If you are sick, please consult a doctor.
J. Carol Pereyra
Editor in Chief
CREDITS: Photo by Frank Wang ~ www.frankwangphotography.com
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CONTENTS
ISSUE 25 -
Volume 6 - Number 1
On the Cover
The Clean Slate.......................................................................... How to Make Changes that Last Hitting the Wall.......................................................................... How to Keep Going When You Feel Like Giving Up Zest for Life................................................................................. How to Get It Back & How to Keep It Empowering New Beliefs.......................................................... Featured Article by Dr. Jean Houston Stop Calling Him Honey............................................................ How to Avoid the Roommate Syndrome in Your Relationship
18 19 26 28 51
Relationships & Family

Relationship Fix 101...................................................................... Apology and Forgiveness 8 Opening the Door.......................................................................... 10 When Youve Closed Someone Out of Your Heart A Weighty Discussion................................................................... 12 Parents: How to Bring Up the Weight Issue Intuitive Love.................................................................................. 14 How to Recognize When its Real and When its Healthy The Repair...................................................................................... 36 How to Repair a Damaged Relationship Starting Over.................................................................................. 40 Six Healing Lessons from Divorce Ending Power Struggles............................................................... 42 How to Walk Away from a Fight with Your Child Ouch!.............................................................................................. 45 What Happened to Our Primary Agreements? Low-Fat Love 101: The Bad Boy................................................... 62
Featured Article by
Dr. Jean Houston
Empowering New Beliefs
Self Improvement
Looking for Magic..................................................... 6 How to Cultivate Miracles in Your Life Beginners Mind.........................................................16 The Secret to Manifesting Your Soulmate Checklist for 50 Things to Give Up this Year......... 20 Do You Really Know Yourself?............................... 23 Confronting Loneliness............................................ 32 Confessions of a Gold Star Junkie.......................... 39 When Youre Feeling Unappreciated Afraid Not.................................................................. 46 How to Turn what Scares You into Your Greatest Gift Practical Conscious Creation................................... 48 How to Become a Better, Faster Manifestor Survivors Guilt.......................................................... 54 When Youve Lost a Loved One Stock Market Blues................................................... 56 How to Keep Your Spirits High When the Market Goes Down Im OK Youre Not OK........................................... 60 Dealing with Those Annoying People in Your Life I know Whats Best for You................................. 64 How To Deal With a Control Freak IN EVERY ISSUE Ask The Expert 22 Bright Idea 34 Take a Laugh Break 38 Wacky Wisdom 50 Bonkeroids 55 Life is Funny 63
28
BONKERS BITS
Forgiving our Parents............................................ 15 Projection Exercise................................................ 23 Goal-minder........................................................... 39
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60-SECOND SELF
Doom Talk Deciphering Break-Up Lines How To Praise Effectively
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Looking for Magic

How to Cultivate Miracles in Your Life
By Keith Varnum
There is magic happening in your life right now. Miracles are all around you. Do you see them? Theyre right there! Ive been blessed with a life adventure full of miracles. When people read about the magic in my life, they often ask me, Why have you had these fascinating extraordinary experiences and not me? Actually, just as many extra-ordinary events occur in most peoples lives as occur in mine! So, why is it that most folks arent aware of the extra-ordinary in their lives? One reason many people dont feel their lives are filled with exceptional events is because they dont notice the uncommon events when they occur! They literally dont see what is going on right in front of their eyes. They dont see the magic because they arent looking for magic! Theyre looking for what they expect to see. Theyre looking for what theyre conditioned to see.
Theyre looking for what theyre told is there!
Dullsville, USA
Ive come to realize that I happened to grow up in an environment that nurtured my ability to see beyond the borders of the believable. Firstly, the small, remote mountain town I grew up in had to be one of the most boring places on Earth! Nothing ever happened out of the ordinary there. In this nondescript village there were no fights, no drugs, no crime, no minorities, no crises not even divorce or betrayal (that anyone talked about). No fuss, no muss just white picket fences and 4th of July parades and apple pie. The only thing that ever changed in my hometown were the seasons.
The Rest of the Story

Of course, there was the rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say.
6. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com
The foundation of this typical small town America did have its cracks beneath the veneer of public harmony. But these deviations from the American Dream were never mentioned. Not between town folk. Not between drinking buddies. Not at the bridge table. Not on the golf course. Not at home. And not even to oneself! Thus, on the surface of it all, all was well. And extremely mindnumbing to a young kid! So, just to entertain myself and pass the time on days just like every other day, I began to look for anything in my life, in my town, that was out of the ordinary outside of the obvious, predictable everyday occurrences.
I witnessed teenage friends, and myself, being miraculously saved from disastrous car accidents. I saw people (angels) pop out of nowhere to save townfolk in a desperate situations. I watched time contract (or expand) to fit the prayers of those in need. I observed synchronicities that guided me to the best course of action.
Mealtime Mystery
A second eye-opener in my youth occurred at every meal. My father was a lawyer and my mother a court reporter. Our family discussions at the kitchen table always centered on their legal court cases. Court cases by their very nature are centered around disputes, disagreements differences of perception. I was constantly being presented with a particularly curious and startling phenomenon. Three witnesses to a car accident: three different stories of what has occurred. Four people involved in dispute: four equally possible versions of the facts. I learned that the truth is in the eye of the beholder. Or rather, the truths are in the eyes of the beholders, with a capital S!
upbringing had a profound influence on how I experienced everyday life. I began to see the cracks in the faade of the social matrix. And I found a way to use these cracks in the social fabric to break through to the other side. To view another world of options and alternatives, and to enter a wider range of possibilities and adventures. I could see not only what was happening in other peoples worlds, but also what could happen in the world of infinite possibility (miracles).
Expand Your Vision

What experiences or circumstances in your background have opened the door for you to expand your vision of what is possible in your life? Make a conscious decision to welcome the uncommon. Invite the unexplainable. Be open for the new and different. Treasure the strange and weird. Celebrate surprise and you will be surprised by a whole new world of wonder and amazement. GB
About the Author
Keith Varnum shares his practical approach to transformation as an author, radio host and "Dream Workshops" facilitator. Keith helps people get love, money, health and spirit with his free Prosperity Ezine, free Empowerment CD and free Coaching at www.TheDream.com.
Seek Miracles
What you look for, shows up. What you seek, you find. I desperately wanted to see something different or new. I longed for anything unusual or strange. I sent my attention out searching for any element of life that was out of order, sync or sequence with the everyday humdrum routine, and, sure enough, I found it! Everywhere I looked. In my life. In other peoples lives. In school. On the street. Everywhere I looked with the intention to see more than whats expected, I saw more of what didnt fit my expectations. When I looked outside the box, I saw life outside the box. And when I got outside my own limited paradigm, I could appreciate the view from other peoples paradigms.
The Prison of the Prism

I became aware of the prison of the prism through which we each view our world. The perceptual filters of our known paradigm literally create what we can see and what we cant see!
The Undoing of My Upbringing

These two unusual aspects of my
BONKERISM
Don't look back. You're not going that way!
GB
RELATIONSHIP FIX 101

APOLOGY and FORGIVENESS
By Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D
Are you in a relationship with someone whos afraid to admit they're wrong? Or perhaps youre the one who finds it difficult to utter the words, Im sorry, I was wrong. Its actually quite common: Not healthy, but common. This fear comes from a culture of blaming and accusing where one's early family may have picked a "culprit" when something went wrong, and focused on blame, rather than on fixing the problem and healing the hurt. People with such experiences approach every situation as if they're on trial, and they compulsively try to convince everyone they're not guilty. They have no patterns to follow for apology and forgiveness. Apology and subsequent forgiveness is stress-releasing, and healthy for the relationship, which turns out to be healthy for the participants in the relationship. Relationships which include healthy apology and forgiveness are less stressful, more supportive, and therefore healthier for the individuals within them. Forgiveness is not easy. When you have truly forgiven, there is no lingering resentment because the problem is solved. You have learned how to heal the hurt and
prevent its reoccurrence, so you can forgive and wipe the slate clean. Knowing how to express feelings and figuring out a way to prevent a similar hurt from happening makes it possible to forgive each other. The dictionary defines to forgive as "to give up resentment of" but my definition of forgiving is a bit different. Giving up resentment is nearly impossible when there are too many real injuries to forgive. It can also be unwise, because resentment is a reminder to be careful around this person or in this situation. Letting go of resentment without fixing the problem makes you vulnerable to being hurt or mistreated over and over again. Of course, hanging on to resentment will not protect you or allow you to let go of the past and move on. As long as you hold onto resentment, you will feel like a helpless, hopeless, dependent victim of your past history. You do need to learn to forgive, but just "giving up resentment" is not sufficient. You need a new model of forgiving.
Understand why youre hurt.

It's common to have hurt feelings and be disappointed but not know exactly what it's all about. What are you feeling? Are you angry at someone? What did he or she do? Are you sad? Why? Taking the time to get clear about your disappointment and hurt feelings will make it easier for you to be clear with your partner, and easier for your partner to figure out what to do. If your partner did something wrong, just blaming still doesnt make it clear exactly how you were hurt, or what exactly you need to forgive your partner for.
Know how to take care of yourself. It seems very logical that if

someone else hurt you, then that person should fix it. But it doesnt always work that way. If someone who loves you has hurt you, he or she either doesnt understand how you feel, isnt thinking clearly, or isnt in control of his or her own actions. This can be true in minor hurts and major ones. If your husband forgets your birthday, or your wife makes an important social date on the day of the big game, there may be several causes. If the error was due to faulty communication or poor memory, you can take care of yourself by placing a calendar in a prominent location in your home and marking each important
STEPS TO FORGIVING
To forgive effectively, follow these steps.
date, perhaps with different colored pencils to indicate whose memo it is. Technophiles can put in on their Palm Pilots. If a date is on the calendar, there are no forgetting excuses.
want you to keep me informed of where you are and what you're doing, and to allow me to call you at random times, until I'm reassured that you're keeping your promises."
tant is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over. You won't be able to do that honestly if you haven't done the previous steps. You don't have to condemn your partner to be wary of his or her outof-control or thoughtless behavior. Instead, you can recognize that both of you are fallible human beings, do what is necessary to fix the problems, and then forgive each other. When both of you take responsibility for fixing these mistakes in the relationship, your trust in each other will grow, and where trust grows, so does love. GB
About the Author
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. www.tinatessina.com is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page); How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free (New Page); The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again (Wiley) and The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs (New Page.) Her newest books are Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage and The Commuter Marriage. She publishes Happiness Tips from Tina, an e-mail newsletter, and the Dr. Romance Blog http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_ro mance_blog/ and has hosted "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show. Online, she is Dr. Romance with columns at ThirdAge.com, Divorce360.com, Healthapalooza.com, and Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Love Network expert. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and such TV shows as Oprah, Larry King Live and ABC news. Follow her on www.twitter.com/tinatessina or www.facebook.com/tinatessina
Strive to understand. Listen to Get help. If its a very serious problem, get help. When there are clearly issues that cannot be fixed by talking with each other, and you believe your partner is out of control (she burns dinner when she drinks too much, he gambles away a lot of money every payday, one of you has a drug addiction, then I strongly recommend couples counseling and therapy or rehabilitation targeted to the problem. Go with or without your partner, and you will learn how to take care of yourself until he or she has better self-control. Until you know how to prevent yourself from being hurt again, forgiveness does not make sense. Let your partner know how you feel. Once you are clear about how
you were hurt or disappointed, you can be clear with your partner. Don't accuse just speak in terms of your feelings. My feelings were hurt when I didnt know where you were at the party." Or, "I'm disappointed because I wanted you to remember my birthday." Or, When I found out you cheated, I felt unloved and worthless in your eyes." your partner's version of what happened. Sometimes neither you nor your partner has really broken trust, and the problems are caused mainly by a difference in perception, so it's important to understand how your partner saw the situation. This also keeps the discussion on a more even level, with both partners discussing the problem rather than one accusing and the other defending. You may learn that your partner even thought he or she was doing something you wanted. You kept saying you didnt want to celebrate this birthday, and I thought you meant it. Or, You never wanted to have sex with me, so I thought you'd be OK with me going somewhere else. Whether you like what you hear or not, the only chance you have to solve the problem is to listen and seek to understand.
Reach a mutual solution to the problem. If someone is very hurt,

or very defensive, it may take a few discussions to resolve this problem. Remember that it is worth the time it takes, because it will prevent this from becoming a recurring problem. If you can't solve it together after a few tries, see a counselor. Forgiveness skills are so important that you really need to learn them if you don't have them already.
Find a solution. Tell your partner

what you think would fix the problem. When you offer a possible solution, your partner will have a clear idea of what you want. You can say, When we go to parties, I'd like you to let me know where you are, and I want you to understand why I feel bad if you don't. Or, "I
Have a forgiving ceremony.

This can be as simple as looking into your partner's eyes and saying I forgive you; or as complicated as renewing your vows after the problem is solved. What's impor-
Opening the Door

WHEN YOUVE CLOSED SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR HEART
By Rick Hanson, Ph.D
We all know people who are, ah, . . . challenging. It could be a critical parent, a bossy sister, a relative who has you walking on eggshells, a deceitful friend, or a partner who wont keep his agreements. Most of our emotional pain, hurts and disappointments arise in reactions to other people. As in all areas of life, with the good comes the bad. In order for a relationship to be nurturing to us, we must open our hearts and allow others in, but that also means that we allow them close enough to rattle us, and even hurt us. So what do we do with these challenging rattlers? Lets suppose youve tried to make things better such as taking the high road yourself and perhaps youve tried to talk things out, pin down reasonable agreements, set boundaries, etc. but the results have been partial or nonexistent. At this point, its natural to consider just closing the door on the relationship. But closing off your heart doesnt feel good. Even though you may be fed up, feeling resentment and pain, closing your heart makes it heavy. Sometimes you do have to hang up the phone, block someone on
Facebook, or stay at a motel when visiting relatives. Sometimes you have to put someone out of your business, workgroup, holiday party list or your bed. In extreme situations, such as abuse, it may be necessary to physically distance yourself from another person for awhile or forever, and listen to that inner knowing about whats best for you. But beyond abusive situations, in general, consider long and hard whether closing the door, and your heart, to another person is really whats best for you. When your heart is open, physically, it feels like warmth and relaxation emotionally, like empathy, compassion, and an even keel, and mentally like things are in perspective and clear. You feel strength when youre openhearted. Paradoxically, the most open-hearted person in a relationship is usually the strongest one. Being open-hearted is living with a heart overflowing with loving kindness. It is a life of power from within, a life filled with purpose. Keeping your heart open makes it harder for others to upset you. Notice that an open heart allows for clarity about what works for you and what doesnt. You can have an open heart and still set boundaries.
In this light, be mindful of what it feels like physically, emotionally, mentally to have your heart closed to a particular person. Be aware of the seemingly good reasons that your reactive brain/mind might be using to justify closing the door on a relationship. Then ask yourself, given the realities of this challenging person, what would have been a better path for you? For example, maybe you should have: gotten more support from others; been more self-nurturing so you wouldnt have been as affected; spoken up sooner to try to prevent things from getting out of hand; or managed your internal reactions more skillfully. Maybe youve done some things yourself to prompt the other person to be difficult. Whatever the situation, theres no praise or blame here, just good lessons for you. And now, if youre willing, explore opening your heart again to this person. Lifes been hard to him or her, too. Nothing might change in your behavior or in the nature of the relationship, nonetheless, reopening your heart will make you feel better. GB
About the Author
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a neuropsychologist and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom. His work has been featured on the BBC, NPR, Consumer Reports Health, U.S. News and World Report, and Huffington Post, and he is the author of the bestselling Buddhas Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. He writes a weekly newsletter Just One Thing that suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind and heart.
Doom Talk
The Dangers of Catastrophic Language
Ive lost everything! This was the worst day of my life! She ruined my life! Words have the power to condition the mind. Whenever you say something, your subconscious mind builds a case for it. If you call yourself "stupid" the mind does a subconscious google-type search on the word stupid and pulls up a list of every stupid thing you've ever done in your life. Now, you have the proof that you are stu-
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pid, and you start S E L F acting that way. If you call yourself a winner, your mind pulls up all your winning moments, and youre more apt to act like a winner. Likewise, when you tell yourself your life is ruined, or youve lost everything, your mind believes you! It sets out to make this your reality! If you are not getting the results you want out of life, it can probably be traced to your self talk. What you say to yourself will influence what you think, how you act, how you feel, and what your reality becomes.
Going Bonkers Magazine. Copyright 2012
A Weighty Discussion
PARENTS: HOW TO BRING UP THE WEIGHT ISSUE
By Sarah Stone
If youre the parent of an overweight child, you probably feel like youre stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you know that your childs health is in jeopardy and that you should take the lead in addressing this problem. But on the other hand, bringing up this touchy topic not to mention figuring out how to make important lifestyle changes is difficult, uncomfortable, and potentially embarrassing for all involved. If youre like most parents in this situation, you probably find yourself putting off the weight talk for just a little while longerand a little longer after thatand a little longer after that. But its time to stop stalling and start talking for the sake of everyone involved. Communication is an essential part of effective parenting but that doesnt mean its always easy or enjoyable. It certainly doesnt help that most parents are never trained in this critical skill especially when our children and sensitive topics are involved. And childrens weight in particular is too often the elephant in the room.
First, its helpful to understand that youre not alone in feeling reluctant to discuss your childs weight. In fact, a recent study conducted by FIT, a partnership of WebMD and Sanford Health, showed that about 5 percent of parents struggle when talking to their kids about drugs and alcohol, and 10 percent are uncomfortable talking about sex, but 25 percent are hesitant to discuss their childrens weight issues. In fact, many parents of eight to seventeen year-olds admit to avoiding the weight conversation altogether. If your child is overweight, deciding to talk about this unhealthy lifestyle is only the first step. It can also be a huge challenge to have a productive, helpful discussion especially if your child is unwilling to hear what you have to say. To help you get over your reluctance to have the weight discussion, here are eight suggestions for avoiding as much conflict as possible.
by default or by design, each family has a health and wellness culture. This includes the types of food that are kept in the house, how heavily physical activity is emphasized, what sleep patterns are encouraged, how much health information is available, and more. As a parent, you should emphasize each aspect of this health culture, not just your childs weight. Remember, healthy weight follows good lifestyle behaviors, but good lifestyle behaviors typically dont follow weight loss diets.
Recognize that you may spend too much time focusing on weight. Most people dont realize
how much they use weight as a yardstick to measure their overall quality of life as well as their worth. For example, how many times have you asked about a piece of clothing, Does this make me look fat? with the understanding that if the answer is yes, youve somehow failed? Thats why, when broaching the subject of weight with your child (and in your own life), its important to stop talking about weight, and even to some extent, appearance, and instead emphasize other characteristics.
Tips for Approaching the Weight Talk

Put the focus squarely on health and off weight. Whether
For example, talk about how an unhealthy lifestyle influences your childs self-esteem and thus demeanor, as well as how he expresses himself and the impression he makes on other people.
Observe how your child (and the whole family) uses food.
Your discussion will be better received and more effective if you are well informed, so before instigating the talk, observe how your child uses food. For example, if you see that she eats in order to manage her emotions, youve gained an important piece of information about a very damaging habit. If you can determine whether or not your child is using food as a drug to avoid discomfort or as a stress manager, youre one step closer to attacking the root of the problem. You can explain to your child how this underlying eating trigger, not food itself, is what youll need to focus on managing.
will simply be encouraging your children to continue with deadly habits that will have a major negative impact on their lives.
And if you really cant get through Sometimes, despite

their best efforts, parents just cant get a positive response from their children. If this happens in your family, then engage someone else to have the weight discussion with your child. Getting professional help is always a good idea, but there may be siblings, other relatives, friends, or even teachers who might get a more receptive response. And if all else fails? Well, all else cant be allowed to fail! Your childs life is too important. GB
About the Author
Sarah Stone is co-creator and director of operations for MindStream Academy, a full-service boarding school on a pristine 43-acre horse farm in South Carolina for teens and tweens who want to get healthy, fit, lose weight, take control of their lives, build selfesteem, and pursue a personal passion. Along with Founder Ray Travaglione, she has worked on the MindStream Academy project from its inception. She is an honors graduate of the University of Toledo whose dream was always to work with youth. Her dream has been realized as she takes great pride in helping teens work to heal and nurture what is broken and learn to be tolerant and understanding of themselves. www.mindstreamacademy.com
Ask your child what would help. Yes, youre the authority figure in this relationship, but it can be a mistake to assume that you know the best way to help your child become healthier. One of the problems with giving support from a position of experience is that you tend to think that your childs situation is the same as yours, and therefore, the things that worked for you will work for her. Thats not necessarily the case. Instead, its always a great idea to ask what your child thinks the best course of action would be.
Dont be judgmental. Two things

are for certain: Nobody is perfect; and if you attack someone, hell stop listening to you. Taking those two truths into account, avoid blaming your child at all costs. The fact is, we live in a fat culture, and the majority of Americans are overweight, so in many ways, your childs struggle isnt his fault. However, it is his and your responsibility to do something about it. The focus should always be on how you can help your child move forward from here, expressed as lovingly as possible.
Focus on change, even if you run into resistance. The purpose

of any discussion about losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle is to bring about change. In other words, talking to your teen about his weight angst for an hour might have some value because it allows him to vent, but try not to leave the discussion there. Take one step forward, too, even if your child is resistant to change. An effective way to overcome resistance is to get a commitment to make just one change in the next week. That might be anything from drinking fewer sodas and more water to walking three days a week. Focusing on one simple change a week seems manageable (as opposed to dropping 30 pounds, which is overwhelming), and is a very constructive way to move the conversation forward without getting too bogged down.
Walk the walk. In the end, your

example is the best way to change your childs health behaviors. Teens in particular are sensitive to hypocrisy. If you arent ready to make any and all of the changes that youre asking of your child, dont instigate the weight discussion in the first place. If you cant walk the walk, then your actions
BONKERISM
Love doesnt die. We choke it with unkind words. We starve it with lies and empty promises. We poison it with blame.
GB
Intuitive Love
How to Recognize When its Real and When its Healthy
By Judith Orloff, MD
Is your new relationship headed for love, or is it lust? In the beginning of a relationship, passion and feelings are intense. So how do you know if what youve got is the real deal or if its just lust?
Is it Lust?
Intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in even the most sensible among us. Why? Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. In the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy it often dissipates when the real person surfaces. Its the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she can do no wrong. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.
Its Just Lust:

Youre totally focused on a persons looks and body. Youre interested in having sex, but not in having conversations. Youd rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings. You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning. You are lovers, but not friends.
Is it Love?
Being in love doesnt exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love requires time to get to know each other. A great indicator is to assess how much you really know about the other person's life. Sure, you may know what he does for a living or where she lives. But have you met the other persons friends; been to their work; spent entire weekends together; or been included in each others daily lives outside of the bedroom? The best way to know if its love or lust is to take an honest look at how interconnected the two of you are. How deep is your new partner letting you into their life? Is their level of involvement as deep as yours? By being honest with yourself about where the two of you are relating, youll get a better idea of whether youre headed for love, or if its just lust.
Its Love, Baby:

You want to spend quality time together other than sex. You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing. You want to honestly listen to each others feelings, make each other happy. He or she motivates you to be a better person. You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.
You have great chemistry. You see a future together.
Listen to Your Gut

If youve determined that you two really might be heading down lovers lane, instead of just a weekend romp, then your next challenge is to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of your relationship. This isnt easy in the midst of hormones surging, but its essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when youre attracted to someone. This neednt pull the plug on passion, but itll make you more aware so you dont go looking for trouble. Here are common negative gut feelings about the relationship to watch for: A little voice in your gut says danger or beware. You have a sense of malaise, discomfort, or feeling drained after youre together. Your attraction feels destructive or dark. Youre uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but youre afraid that if you mention it, youll push him or her away. Over the years, Ive spoken at domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My
gut initially told me something was wrong but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said 'you better watch out' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." From these women we gain a realworld lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, paying close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors. Its so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes; Then youre not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy. To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve. GB
About the Author
Judith Orloff, M.D. is the author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Freedom and Guide to Intuitive Healing upon which this article is based. Her other books are Positive Energy and Second Sight. Her work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, the Oprah Magazine and USA Today. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. An Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA, she passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. To inquire about her books, CDs and DVDs visit www.drjudithorloff.com.
FORGIVING OUR PARENTS

As a child, were you neglected or abused by your parents? Perhaps they selfishly used drugs and alcohol, or engaged in other addictions? Or maybe you experienced their rage, or suffered because of their narcissistic view. No matter the type of abuse, their actions caused you much pain and left a void in your life. In your attempt to fill that void in your life, you may have turned to food, drugs, alcohol, or other addictions to feel that void. But think about it for a moment Perhaps your parents acted in ways that hurt you, in an attempt to fill their own void from their painful childhood. When we can begin to see our parents as human beings with pain, similar to our own, we can begin the process of forgiving them.
Going Bonkers Magazine Copyright 2012
Beginners Mind
THE SECRET TO MANIFESTING YOUR SOULMATE
By Arielle Ford
What does it take to manifest the love of your life? Ive heard from firsttime brides (at 49 and older!), from busy entrepreneurs whose 80-hour-aweek work schedules left little time for romance, and from divorcees and widowers who were convinced that the opportunity for true love had long passed them by. Whether these soulmate success stories came from around the world or the good ole U.S.A., there was a common theme woven through them: Those who successfully manifested their soulmate did so by finding a healthy balance between intending and allowing; between doing and being. Not only did they do the necessary work; they made soulmate lists, they cleaned up the emotional baggage still lingering from past relationships, and they made space for their future beloveds presence in every area of their lives. They cultivated a state of what the Buddhists call Beginners Mind. They had an attitude of openness, eagerness, and an absence of preconceptions. Even if their hearts were still aching from a past breakup or their present circumstances were less than ideal, they didnt allow themselves to fall into the common trap of thinking that theyd already done and tried everything, and therefore nothing new would work for them. They
stayed open to the possibilities and remained hopeful, not defeated. Occasionally I receive stories from both men and women who are frustrated because theyve been actively searching for their soulmate without success. The theme of their stories is equally easy to detect. It goes something like this: Ive watched The Secret, Ive made my list of qualities that I want my ideal mate to possess Its been almost a year and he/she still hasnt shown up! The energetic signal being sent through these messages practically jumps off the page and, lets just say, its not one of irresistible attraction! Becoming a successful manifestor whether you want to manifest love, money, a new career, or simply a parking space requires a certain level of emotional maturity. Great manifestors have learned the art of managing their thoughts and emotions so that even when doubt, fear or other limiting feelings pop up, they are not swept into a spiral of negativity. Developing this kind of mental discipline requires us to make a deliberate choice to focus our attention on what we desire rather than on what we dont want. For example, whenever I catch myself dwelling in a negative or unpleasant thought or feeling, I say to
myself cancel-cancel, and then I intentionally create a new vision for myself. Sometimes this simple shift in perception is all I need, and other times I reach into my toolkit of emotional release techniques and dedicate five or ten minutes to working through my mini-issue so that my creative energies stay aligned with the outcome I desire. As someone who is consciously focused on manifesting your soulmate, you too must recognize the powerful influence your thoughts and feelings have on your point of attraction, and do your best to keep them positive. I know; the process of magnetizing your soulmate can get discouraging at times. But if youre approaching it from the mindset of its been a year and it still hasnt happened, youre living in the reality of whats missing. The universe simply cant add more love to your life when youre focused on the love you dont have. Like the old tale of the farmer pulling up the newly planted seed to search for evidence of growth, the very act of searching evokes a feeling of desperation that blocks the natural flow of love. But if you can shift your focus to magnetizing your soulmate rather than looking for him or her; and if you can adjust your emotional state from impatience to savoring the waiting, love will blossom in its own time, and in colors and fragrances that will both surprise and delight you. Those who successfully manifest love have learned and surrendered to the fact that its not our job to know where or how our soulmate will appear. We dont have to micromanage every encounter or anticipate every detail. Our job is to simply prepare ourselves in
body, mind, and soul and then relax into the knowledge that the one weve asked for wherever he or she may be at this moment is on the way. Your soulmate is on the way to you from wherever he or she is right now. The details are not yours to coordinate. Your job is simply to love yourself, enjoy your life as it unfolds in each moment, hold a clear intention of the love you are manifesting, and have faith in the unseen forces that are even now guiding the fulfillment of your dream. GB
About the Author

Arielle Ford is best known for helping to launch the careers of many bestselling self-help and spiritual authors including Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Neale Donald Walsch and many others. She is the author of seven books including the international bestselling The Soulmate Secret: How To Manifest The Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction. Arielle lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends. Learn more about Arielle at www.arielleford.com and www.soulmatesecret.com.
Note: Arielle along with Claire Zammit, co-creator of the acclaimed Calling in The One telecourse will host a free online teleseries called The Ultimate Soulmate Summit to help 100,000 people magnetize their Soulmate on Valentines Day! Twenty of the worlds leading relationship experts including Dr. Helen Fisher, Drs. Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks, Alison Armstrong, Debbie Ford, Katherine Woodward Thomas, Christian Carter, and others will lead participants through the process of attracting a Soulmate over the 10 days of the summit. www.ultimatesoulmatesummit.com
The Clean Slate

5 WAYS TO MAKE CHANGES THAT LAST
By Rebecca Fisher
The clean slate: Its very appealing. Theres not one of us who doesnt wish for a do-over in some area of our lives. But how many times do we resolve to make a change, only to find ourselves right back where we started? We make it a few weeks into the New Year or good intention and then we stumble, lose hope and give up. Ive had my fair share of haunting habits and ruinous relationships, and have attempted, blindly, to do it differently this timeor maybe next time. Ive been blessed to have people in my life who are willing to be honest with me, who sincerely want to see me succeed in life rather than continue to stumble over the same pitfalls again and again. These friends in the trenches have taught me valuable lessons when it comes to really making change in my life and when I put those lessons into practice, they actually work. One common go-to, but most futile coping mechanism when facing any difficult situation, be it a relationship, a job or even a seemingly insurmountable challenge, is to flee. Run. As fast and as far as we can. Seems logical, right? Remove yourself from the problem and the problem is solved. I thought so, too, until one of my loving but brutally honest friends pointed out that there seemed to be a common
denominator in all of problems. Me. They uttered six simple words that changed my perspective on life forever:
Wherever you go, there you are. I know, it seems ridiculously

simple. It didnt matter how far I ran, I would always be there and the problem would inevitably resurface. Sure, it would come in a different form, but it was always the same. At this point, I was terrified of running anywhere that would leave me alone with myself. When I was able to wrap my meager brain around that one, they made a suggestion:
the first time, they suggested I do something very important, albeit excruciating:
Put down the magnifying lens and pick up a mirror. My grandmother used to tell me that when I pointed my finger, which she couldnt stand, I had three more pointing back at me. When I was little, I was like, no duh! I can count! But as I matured, however slightly, I started to understand. My part in all of my troubles is likely three times greater than that of the person I am blaming. We are told to deal with the log in our own eye before pointing out the speck in our fellows. Believe me, this one alone will keep me busyforever. While looking into that proverbial mirror, which is akin to hearing your own voice on a recording for
Take an inventory. All successful businesses take stock. They keep what is profitable and they get rid of, without a second thought, what holds the business back. I had plenty of character flaws, warped beliefs, knee-jerk reactions and poor choices to put down in the bad column, but surprisingly enough, the more difficult task was writing down my assets. It was these assets that I was going to need in order to really make a change in my life. I had to keep an eye out for those pesky defects, but with an asset like unrelenting determination on my side I stood a good chance.
The next suggestion seemed unbearable, impossible even. With my list in hand, it was suggested I share everything from that bad column with someone else. You know, the column that contained the most sordid parts of my past? I wasnt convinced of that one so easily. Not until someone explained:
We are only as sick as our secrets. Part of what held me back

from real change, especially in the relationship realm, was the gnawing sense that I wasnt worth what
was on the other side. It was the mother of all lies that tripped me up more than anything. It threatened to keep me trapped in perpetual agony and failure. Fleeing from an abusive marriage right into the next one wasnt an option I was willing to accept, so, I did it. I shared every dirty detail. Of course, I shared it with someone I trusted, someone I was sure had a list ten times the size of mine. Some final words of wisdom not mine, of course. Mine are all borrowed.
Hitting the Wall

HOW TO KEEP GOING WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP
By Lou Isaacs
Just about everyone has heard of the "wall," as in "hitting the wall." Athletes, especially runners, use this term a lot. But lots of us, in running and in life, have run straight into our wall. Head on. A wall is the point in a race, or in life, where you're used up. You're officially done. You feel as if your motivation is drained. Your got up and go is gone. Your brain no longer responds to the words "do it." Youve surrendered. We often hit our wall while trying to reach a goal. Although I hope you never have a wall get between you and a goal, here are some tricks I've learned that runners use to get over a wall when it's blocking them from the finish line. KEEP GOING REGARDLESS Promise yourself that, no matter what, you will press on, even if you have a thousand tasks to do before reaching your goal, and youre only on number two! Keep pushing. Dont linger. Keep your eyes on the prize and move forward in the direction of the goal. DON'T THINK Just do. Do not dwell on how overwhelmingly awful you feel, or how busy you are, or the size of the mountain (goal) in front of you. Focus on the cheering crowds, your friends and family who support you, encourage
you, and want to see you accomplish your goal. TRY BRIBERY Every step of the way, tell yourself, "When I get done with this task, I'm going to (fill in the blank) take a hot bubble bath, give myself some leisure time, buy a new car, etc. Be sure to always have a carrot to dangle for yourself. WORD-WATCH Watch the negative words and thoughts. Think instead about all the successes you have had. How about all those hills you already conquered? Those goals youve already reached? All those difficult life experiences youve endured? You are a capable, strong person! Relish those thoughts. NEGOTIATE WITH YOURSELF Dont think about reaching the entire goal today. Give yourself permission to simply go to the next small milestone, or even just the end of the day. Keep repeating this strategy until you see the finish line. Go just one more mile, and then another... If it was easy, everyone could do it. You are the one who will make it. And don't forget the finish line mantra! I did it!
About the Author: Lou Isaacs is a research writer and staff writer for Going Bonkers. Copyright Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved.
Dont go it alone. We werent

made to do life alone. Theres a reason solitary confinement is considered severe punishment and limited in duration. Find people who will lovingly hold you accountable. And if you have faith, lean on itheavily. It saved my life and gave me the chance at a much better one. Whether youve resolved to quit a nasty habit, or move on from unhealthy relationships, make sure you approach it with all the tools you can muster. And forget about the New Year. Start right now. GB
About the Author
Rebecca Fisher graduated with a B.A. in English and an M.S. in Education, and teaches high school English. Her own experiences living in a mortuary in Northern California and raising her daughter on her own serve as the inspiration for the many macabre and eccentric encounters in her novel. She lives in California with her husband and two daughters. All the Wrong Places is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble online, and the Rebeccas website www.RebeccaFisherBooks.com in both paperback and e-book format.
CHECKLIST FOR 50 THINGS to
Give Up
THIS YEAR
By Roey King
WHEN YOU STOP CHASING THE WRONG THINGS, YOU GIVE THE RIGHT THINGS A CHANCE TO CATCH YOU!
1. Give up trying to be perfect.
The real world doesnt reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. nothing simply because youre too scared to make a mistake.
14. Give up buying things you dont need. Manage your money
wisely. Do not live life trying to fool yourself into thinking wealth is measured in material objects.
9. Give up saying, I cant.

Whether you think you can or you think you cant, you are right.
2. Give up comparing yourself to others. The only person you

should ever compete against is you.
10. Give up trying to be everything to everyone. Making one

person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Start small. Start now. Be yourself.
15. Give up blaming others for your troubles. When you blame
others for what youre going through, you deny responsibility you give that power over your life away to someone else!
3. Give up dwelling on the past or worrying too much about the future. Right now is the only
moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life.
4. Give up complaining. Take

action and do something about it.
11. Give up thinking youre not ready. Nobody ever feels

100% ready when an opportunity arises. Great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we can never really be ready. Just go for it.
16. Give up making mountains out of molehills. One way to

check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: Will this matter in one years time? Three years? Five years? If not, then its not worth worrying about.
5. Give up holding grudges.

Grudges steal your happiness.
6. Give up waiting. What are we

waiting for? Life is today! Start today!
7. Give up lying. In the long-run

the truth always reveals itself. Own up to your actions and get on with your life.
12. Give up being afraid. Life is too short to spend even a moment worrying about things that might happen. Face your fear and challenge it. 13. Give up trying to do everything by yourself. No man is an
island. If you work together, you will be far more capable and powerful than you ever could have been alone.
17. Give up trying to live up to the expectations of others.

Determine your own expectations, then work to exceed them.
18. Give up the easy street mentality. No amount of magic

fairy dust replaces focused, hard work. diligent,
8. Give up trying to avoid mistakes. The only mistake that can

truly hurt you is choosing to do
19. Give up making promises
you cant keep. Dont over-promise. Under promise and over deliver.
and drive. Dont drink and drive. Dont smoke.
38. Give up filling every waking moment with commitments and activities. Its okay to be
alone. Its okay to do nothing sometimes. Think. Relax. Breathe. Be.
20. Give up letting your thoughts and feelings bottle up inside. People are not mind readers. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them.
30. Give up relationships with people who bring you down.

Saying no to some people gives you the time and resources required to say yes to the right people and opportunities. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and like-minded.
39. Give up making emotional decisions. Dont let your emotions

trump your intelligence. Slow down and think things through before you make any life-changing decisions.
21. Give up beating around the bush. Say what you mean and
mean what you say. Communicate effectively.
31. Give up being shy. Network

with people. Meet new people. Ask questions. Introduce yourself.
22. Give up avoiding change.

However good or bad a situation is now, it will change. Thats the one thing you can count on. Embrace change. Make it your best friend. It will be with you your entire life.
40. Give up doing the wrong things just because you can get away with it. Think bigger. Keep
the end in mind. Do what you know in your heart is right.
32. Give up worrying about what others think of you. What

they think and say about you isnt important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
41. Give up focusing on what you dont want to happen. Focus

on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, youll always find that youre right.
23. Give up your sense of entitlement. Nobody is entitled to anything in this world. We are all equal. We breathe the same air. We get what we earn.
33. Give up trying to control everything. Life is suppose to be

unpredictable at times. When we try to control it, we manipulate and alter destiny. Do your best with whats in front of you and leave the rest to the powers above you.
24. Give up waiting until the last minute. When you fail to
plan, you plan to fail.
25. Give up being dramatic.

Stay out of other peoples drama and avoid creating your own.
34. Give up doing the same thing over and over again. If
you keep doing what youre doing, youll keep getting what youre getting.
42. Give up taking yourself so seriously. Few others do anyway.

So enjoy yourself and have a little fun while you can.
26. Give up being anti-athletic.

Get your body moving! Take a long walk or commit 30 minutes to an exercise program.
35. Give up following the path of least resistance. Explore lifes

detours. Dont always take the easy path. The difficult road often leads to the land of extraordinary.
43. Give up spending your life working in a career youre not passionate about. Life is too
short. The right career choice is based on one key point: Finding work you love doing.
27. Give up junk food. You are

what you eat.
28. Give up eating as a means of entertainment. Dont eat when

youre bored. Eat when youre hungry.
36. Give up persistent multitasking. Do one thing at a time and

do it right.
44. Give up thinking about the things you dont have.

Appreciate everything you do have. Many people arent so lucky.
37. Give up thinking others are luckier than you. The harder
you work, the luckier you will become. We make our own luck.
45. Give up doubting others.

People who are determined do
continued next page
29. Give up foolish habits that you know are foolish. Dont text
50 Things To Give Up This Year - continued
remarkable things. Remember, the one who says it cant be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
he Ask t rt Expe
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r nside t co e folmigh th You g a few of anagem tryin g time ues to lowin techniq life and ment lify your ol over simp ore contr get mtime: your
46. Give up fussing with every beauty product on the market.

Good looks attract the eyes. Personality attracts the heart. Be proud to be you. Thats when youre beautiful.
the Expert
by Dr. Janet Greenwood
Ask
47. Give up trying to fit in.

Dont mold yourself into someone youre not. Be yourself.
48. Give up trying to be different for the sake of being different. Nonconformity for the sake of
nonconformity is conformity. When people try too hard to be different, they usually end up being just like everyone else who is trying to be different.
Q: My husband and I are fighting more than ever. We have only been married for two years, but our life together seems like 90 percent arguing and 10 percent communication. He disagrees with just about everything I say and vice versa. Any ideas for increasing communication? A: An important part of successful communication in a relationship is recognizing the difference between gaining understanding and gaining agreement. If you and your husband feel you have successfully communicated only when you both agree, you may be working on the wrong issue. Perhaps the focus needs to be gaining understanding and accepting differences. Typically the beginning of a relationship is based on similarities and a chorus of me toos. As a relationship grows and develops to the next stage, healthy individuals will typically have differences of opinion. How you achieve understanding about your differences, and validate each others right to have separate ideas and feelings, is essential to the growth of your relationship. Perhaps the next time your husband disagrees with you, you could experiment with genuinely finding out why he feels so strongly or differently than you do. See if achieving understanding and listening lessens the tension and sense of competing for who is right. Naturally the commitment to listening and achieving understanding must be a two-way street in a healthy relationship.
-------------------------------------------
49. Give up trying to avoid risk. Theres no such thing as risk

free. Everything you do or dont do has an inherent risk.
50. Give up putting your own needs on the back burner. Yes,
help others, but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. And remember, mistakes make us human, failures help us grow, hope keeps us going and love is the reason were alive. So keep learning, loving and living. Never give up on yourself. GB
About the Author
Roey King is a research writer and staff writer for Going Bonkers. Copyright Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved.
Dr. Janet Greenwood is a licensed Marriage & Family therapist, specializing in relationship issues in her private practice for over 20 years. For more information about Janet's Couple's Programs or an immediate download of her Ebook, "Rescue Your Marriage In 5 Hours: An Imago Guide For Couples In Crisis," please visit www.marriagehealers.com.
DO YOU REALLY KNOW YOURSELF?

By Daniel Speraw
Do you really know yourself? Psychology tells us that there are places within each of us that we do not know, nor do we want to know. These places are why we over-react at times, why we have buttons that can be pushed and why we sometimes find ourselves in arguments without knowing why. Carl Jung labeled this part of us our shadow side. Obviously, these Shadows are below our consciousness, even deeply below, so how can we find them? Even more importantly, how can we release them? I was driving in rush-hour traffic, when the car in front suddenly shot from the right lane, across two others and into the left-turn isle. I shook my head at such a dangerous move and labeled him an idiot. A few days later, I was about to miss a turn and did the same thing. I immediately thought of that idiot and defended myself by thinking that there was not nearly as much traffic and at least I had been careful. In reality, there was no difference. My labeling that driver an idiot is known as projection, an automatic response that takes place just below the level of consciousness; it is a way we protect ourselves. At the time I saw that idiot in traffic, I knew deep down that I had done, and could again do, that same dangerous move. To avoid feeling my own criticism, I automatically projected it onto him. Projection defined: when we find ourselves reacting emotionally to the behavior or appearance of another, it is our own behavior or appearance that is really the target.
Here are some more examples: A young man tends to be on the quiet side, careful to avoid confrontations. Deep down, he views this behavior as weak, but rather than experience his own criticism, he points at the weaknesses of his friends and jokingly says, What a wimp! A woman whispers, Stuck up, as a stranger walks past. This woman has a tendency to look down on those around her, and of course, does not like this about herself. I saw the back of a mans head and thought he had a funny-looking bald spot. Sometime later, I realized that my baldness looked exactly the same. Although Projection appears to be about others, it is always about us. You can know this to be true the next time you hear someone criticizing another; listen, as they unknowingly describe themselves. Projection though, has an inherently positive side: if we find ourselves admiring a trait in another, at the very least, the seed of that quality is within us. GB
About the Author
Through-out his life, Daniel has searched through religion, meditation and psychology so that he could release the past and connect more deeply with those in his life. He also began writing in the 1980's, with a nationally syndicated newspaper column; his current project is This Human Condition, currently sixty-four works on positive change. You can reach him on Facebook: search Daniel Speraw.
PROJECTION EXERCISE
It can be difficult to see our own Shadows, even using Projection, so here is an exercise that can release them, without first going through the process of discovery: RELAX In a quiet place, close your eyes and relax. VISUALIZE Imagine someone who youre close to, who has traits that bring about an emotional charge within you. It can be either their looks or their behavior, or both. Most of us have more than one person who will come to mind; pick the one you feel strongest toward. Take time to fully imagine this person doing or looking in the way that bothers you. LET GO When your feelings are strongest, suddenly give him/her permission to be that way. Literally let go, inside and out, opening your hands, as if you are releasing a rope in tug-o-war. At the moment of release, you may feel a physical sensation. Why? Giving them permission has nothing to do with them and everything to do with freeing/opening ourselves.
BONKERISM
Ironically, it takes a lot of strength to admit your weakness.
GB
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ZEST FOR LIFE

How to Get It Back and How to Keep It
By Becky Due
If youve experienced heartache or loss, or have gone through really hard times or experienced deep painful emotions, you may have lost more than you realize you may have also lost your zest. Life is difficult when you realize youve lost your zest. Losing your zest feels like you have nothing to look forward to. It may feel like youre carrying extra weight. It feels dark, like youre always in the shade or under a dark cloud. It feels like youre walking in a deep rut and cant see a way out. Whether you are feeling lost, sad, rejected, down, or just lacking direction, these ten simple steps can help you find your zest again.
when we wait for somebody to change, or even if we blame somebody else for our unhappiness, we are giving that person or circumstance power over us. Take your power back by taking responsibility for your life! Take time and feel your feelings, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel and grieve. Be proud of who you are!
Accept Responsibility. Take full

responsibility for your life. This does not include what somebody else has done to you, but it does include everything that you have done to yourself. Did you stay in an abusive relationship too long? Did you decide not to tell your parents that you were sexually abused by the neighbor? Did you over eat to numb pain from your past? Taking responsibility will give you back your power! When we wait for somebody to apologize, or make things right for us, or rescue us, or
Forgive Yourself. Make peace with yourself and forgive yourself This is huge! So often we hear that we need to forgive somebody else, but what about us? What about forgiving ourselves, for us! Maybe it is time you forgive yourself for the poor decisions you have made. It does no good to beat ourselves up its time to forgive yourself and make peace with yourself; you did what you thought was right at that time. As long as you learn from your mistakes there is no reason to keep beating yourself up. Find the Good. Love your life as it is. Turn any hurt into a gift or something good. If youre overweight and want to lose weight, get excited about the goal and challenge. You will no longer be neglecting yourself. If your losing your home to foreclosure, believe that your higher power has a better plan for you. You may have to
search high and low, but find the good in what is happening in your life right now.
having so many doubts. Confident people are happy people.
Hang with Positive People.

Stick with positive people it is contagious! Positive people are happy people and fun to be around. Positive people do not sit around feeling sorry for themselves. They do not cry victim in every situation. Positive people always look forward to challenges and going forward in their lives. Positive people look forward to their bright futures and so can you! GB
About the Author
Becky Due, like the main characters of her novels, spent many years running from herself, looking for love, crying a little and laughing a lot along the journey of finding herself. She endured many hardships including being homeless and living in her car. Through writing, Due found her passion. She is the author of several books and is currently working on her next novel. Happily married she and her husband Scott live in Colorado, Florida and Alberta, Canada with their two kids Buddy the Cat and Shorty the Pug.
Give Back. Do something for

somebody else. The more you give the more you receive. We need to get out of our own heads; sometimes we need to stop thinking about ourselves and start doing for somebody else. There is always somebody worse off than you -somebody who could use your help. You will feel better after doing something for somebody else.
Know what You Value. Stay true to your values. Make a list of what you value. What matters to you? What is important in your life? Is it going to bars and getting drunk? Or is it spending time with family and friends or going to school? Stay true to what fills you up and makes you happy. Love Yourself. Give to yourself
what you wish you had from a partner. Do you want flowers? Get yourself some flowers! Want romance? Rent a romantic comedy or take a bubble bath with candles! Look at the moon by yourself, admire it and know that you are very connected to this wonderful earth we live on. Have a love affair with yourself, even if youre in a relationship with a romantic person.
Find Balance. Finding balance is simple. Divide your life into thirds: One third of your time should be spent on your passion/ purpose/ career. One third of your time on you, and a third of your time should be spent with your family and friends. This balance is important so you wont fall apart if you lose one part of your life. If, for example, you lose your job, you will still have two-thirds of your life in order. Aim High. Demand more from yourself and for yourself. Challenge yourself. Go back to school even if you are afraid. If you deserve a raise, ask for one even if you are afraid. Decide you will no longer do all of the housework when you and your husband both work fulltime jobs. You deserve more for yourself and more from yourself! Be Nice to Yourself. Stop with the negative self talk! Do not call yourself stupid. Do not call yourself ugly or fat. Do not criticize yourself when you are doing your best. Talk to yourself as if you were a friend. Believe in yourself! Stop
Featured Article
Empowering New
Beliefs
By Dr. Jean Houston
How do I discover my purpose in life? As I travel around the globe speaking and training, most people ask me this same question. In the past, who you became was determined by your family and circumstances. You didn't have much choice. But now there is an open moment in history where you have the chance to tap into the soul of your purpose. Millions of people right now are experiencing a yearning and desire to awaken to their unique gifts and offer them in service to the world while living a life of joy and fulfillment. It's a surging of the human
spirit, a virtual global awakening, at a scale that no one has ever seen before. Simply put, people are longing to finally feel fully alive and to fulfill their unique purpose in life. So then why is living a life of meaning and purpose so difficult? It is because our current social systems have not been set up to prepare us to live a life of true purpose. That's because today's culture exists not to nurture our highest aspirations, but to ensure our basic survival. Our educational system is designed to create good workers who will
slot into jobs and careers later in life not to empower fiery, creative people who are forging the path ahead together. Our social contracts exist to perpetuate the status quo not to encourage our highest potentials to blossom. Is it any wonder why so many people's best attempts to evolve themselves and our culture fall short of the goal? We simply haven't been trained in how to bring the possible future into the present. It's not that they don't have the talent or interest to live purposeful, meaningful life. The issue is far simpler. People struggle to activate
their "purpose code" because they haven't woken up to or are only partially awake to our situation as a human race. Most people hold on to old, limiting beliefs of themselves and our human story. Overwhelmed by all the changes in the world around them, most people live their lives within a "small story," and therefore confine themselves to a "small self." That's why so many people feel that they don't have a purpose, or that they aren't able to actually live* the life they were born to live. There is a saying, What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. I believe
continued next page
Empowering New Beliefs - continued
that it is butterfly time. Just as the guidance cells in the mush that is the caterpillar in its cocoon suddenly begin to activate the transformation of mush into butterfly, so too this is the time when we realize that the guidance or imaginal cells of our bodies, our communities, and, yes, even of the cells of our planet are calling us to come together in all our parts to form something gorgeous, interdependent, living lightly on the Earth, cross pollinating cultures, ideas, spiritual forms, glowing with the light that suffuses us, becoming transparent to transcendence. And to rise out of the mush we have been caught in these many hundreds of years and to take flight in the air of the new story which is emerging in our time. For the fields we traverse, the many flowers of mind states and soul knowings we now enter are those that belong to the whole, earth, to many cultures, to what I am calling PanGaia. And as the butterfly pollinates and cross pollinates from place to place, flower to flower, so do we also if we have the will and the willingness to discover our purpose and be part of this extraordinary moment in time.
Living a great life requires that you understand the challenges and opportunities of our moment in history. To understand this for myself, I've gathered information from my work in over 100 countries and 40 different cultures and what I've discovered has served as a sure guide on my path. Specifically, I have found five great shifts in our understanding of the story of our time that are affecting everything we do today. I believe that awakening to the power of these shifts will help you cultivate your sense of compassion and of the infinite possibilities of this moment. The five shifts are: Our understanding of who and what we are and what we need to become in order to be able to deal with the complexity of our time is evolving. Human societies are in the process of re-patterning. Social constructs are dissolving and whole new stories are trying to emerge, such as the rise of women to a full partnership with men across the globe, and many others. How we conduct business and governance is shifting in the midst of vast ecological and financial changes. This is perhaps the most important social event of the last five thousand years, because these issues impact almost everything in our lives. The rise and fusion of different cultures we are swiftly moving towards a planetary civilization that accentuates the uniqueness of each culture while blending them togeth-
er. Think of the great fusions of food and of music and of beliefs. Whole new orders of spirituality are emerging that are not about religion. The new cosmologies are giving us a view of ourselves that we never had before. For the first time ever, we find that we don't just live in the universe, but that the universe lives in us. This journey begins by letting go of old beliefs and patterns to make room for the new beliefs and capacities that will empower you to awaken to and live your higher purpose.
Key 2
The Second key allows you to discover and realize the vast field of inner intelligences using multiple means of knowing and being in order to gain insight into life at a level to which that most people rarely have access. These skills are to be found on four levels of your human capacity, sensory-physical, psychological-emotional, mythicsymbolic, and unitive-spiritual. As you learn how to utilize the extraordinary capacities to be found at each of these levels you literally move into new ways of being. For example, you will learn how to play with time in such a way as to take five minutes and experience it internally as hours these are "hours" you can use to develop a skill or move a project forward. You will learn to access "inner experts", willing helpers or personas that will help you navigate the complexity of life with elegance and confidence.
Three Keys to Empowering New Beliefs Key 1

The first key to activating your life's purpose is to hold new beliefs about yourself and about your role in the Great Story of where humanity is headed.
Key 3
The third key gives you the means to break free from unconscious, habitual ways of reacting to life that were born thousands of years ago, and embrace higher ways of being for a new era. You will discover ways to move through life with ebullience in your bones and an appetite for celebration seeing everything as an expression of the Creator. You will move through life, motivated not by guilt or obligation, but by gratitude and an abiding zest for doing the things that are called forth by living out of your higher purpose. GB
About the Author
Dr. Jean Houston is a Scholar, Philosopher and one of the foremost visionary thinkers and doers of our time. She is considered one of the principal founders of the Human Potential Movement. A powerful and dynamic speaker she has served as consultant to several agencies of United Nations including UNICEF and the UNDP. She has worked in over 100 countries training leadership at every level to enhance skills and purpose so as to bring a new mind to bear upon challenging issues. A prolific writer and author of 26 books including A Passion for the Possible and The Mythic Life, Dr. Houston has recently joined the faculty of Evolving Wisdom, today's fastest growing global e-learning company specializing in transformative education, to provide her wisdom online in a cutting edge format. www.DestinyandYou.com. Dr. Jean Houston is presenting a FREE 75 minute downloadable audio seminar entitled 3 Keys to Discovering and Living Your True Purpose available now at www.DestinyandYou.com.
Deciphering Break-Up Lines

Shes just a good friend. There is nothing going on between us. This is a classic breakup line. So okay, if there is nothing going on, then your partner should be open to putting your relationship first by including you in get-togethers with his friend, agreeing to a transparency about where he is, what he is doing, and how often he talks with or gets together with her. If your gut tells you something is off it probably is. If he becomes evasive, less emotionally or physically available
60
SEC ON
D
E L F
or defensive, then its time to talk. If you have been handed other break up lines by an ex, try deciphering them by reading between the lines for hidden meanings, themes or masked deceptions. Also give some thought to how he or she said them. Non-verbal expression speaks louder than words and should always be included in any good interpretation.
By Toni Coleman www.consum-mate.com
BONKERISM
Impossible is not a fact. Its an opinion.
GB
ness neli o L
By Robyn Sabes
CONFRONTING
"I have no one to talk to here, and I just feel so lonely and depressed," sobbed a longtime friend while we were talking on the phone one day. Eight months earlier, her husbands company had relocated them from Illinois to Florida. She was a graphics designer who had her own home business. Since I work out of my home and dont have an office to go to, I was hoping our new church congregation would be a good outlet to make friends, this woman continued. But after all these months, we still feel like outsiders at church. Most of the people there already have their friends, and they pretty much stay within their cliques. Hardly anyone has made an effort to get to know us. When I try to initiate conversations with others, usually they only give me a couple minutes at the most, and then theyre rushing off to be with their group of friends. After church, I can pretty much tell you which couples are going to go out to restaurants together and were never included. Many of us have encountered cliques and felt just as excluded, disconnected and lonely as my friend. But of course, there are
many other types of circumstances that can bring on loneliness. You may be suffering the loss of a spouse by death or divorce. You may be shy and not feel confident interacting with others. You might be so busy with your career that you dont devote a lot of time to relationships. You may live in a remote area, far from neighbors, and not have many visitors. There may be unresolved issues or misunderstandings that have alienated you from friends and family. Perhaps your kids have grown up and moved away and that has left a terrible void in your life. And sometimes you can feel lonely for no apparent reason; you just dont feel like you can connect with the people around you. Loneliness touches everyones life to some degree, observes John Woodward, Ph.D., one of the nations leading researchers on loneliness and a psychology professor at the University of Nebraska. He defines loneliness as a feeling of isolation and separation from others. It can result when a person is physically isolated from family and friends, or when a person is in a room full of people and feels totally disconnected. Loneliness
can range from mild to severe and occur only occasionally or be a chronic problem. All of us need a certain amount of people contact. Some need more than others, depending on how extroverted they are.) So how do you cope if youre in the unfortunate situation of feeling detached and lonely? Here are five suggestions for confronting this very heart-wrenching, yet common, human emotion.
Admit you are lonely

It may not be easy to admit youre lonely. After all, we live in a society where popularity is celebrated and encouraged. To admit you are lonely can seem like you are conceding to being unpopular and unwanted. Yet it is important that you acknowledge to yourself how you are feeling. Doing so will help you figure out what you need to do to overcome this problem. If you dont, youre in effect saying these issues dont exist, and then they wont be dealt with. You may also want to confide in a
family counselor, pastor or other trusted person. Several months after my friend called me in tears, she phoned again to give me an update about her situation. She had made some friends at church! What had happened, she related, was I picked out one of the ladies at church who I thought would be understanding; and without attacking anyone, I told her how I was feeling excluded. To my surprise, she told me that sometimes she feels left out too. That did wonders! After that, she made a special point of introducing me to people at church, getting me in on conversations and even inviting me and my husband to some get-togethers. If your loneliness is related to particular circumstances you are dealing with perhaps you just lost a loved one, you recently moved to a new area, or youre struggling with empty nest syndrome you might want to open up with someone who has been in a similar situation. That person may not only make a good sounding board, but may be able to help you figure out some ways to diminish the lonely feelings.
Try to be friendly to everybody, but focus your attention on those who look lonely, withdrawn or lost in the crowd. This is especially good advice if there are cliques that make you feel excluded. If you feel left out, chances are there are others who feel the same way, says Mary Halpin, Ph.D., a family counselor in Deerfield, Illinois. Reaching out to others who are lonely can help you relieve your own feelings of loneliness. Strive to be the kind of person who seeks connections with those of all social circles. Itll rid you of your loneliness and set the right example of not being cliquish and youll make others feel less lonely, too.
them they could bring their friends too. Each morning the ladies walk about five miles together, and theyre all becoming really close. Another woman I know overheard some ladies at her church talking about how they were interested in making homemade soap. My friend took the initiative to learn how to make soap on her own and then invited these other women to make soap with her one day. It turned into a monthly get-together where they make a batch of soap together, share a pot of coffee and have lunch. Any of these kinds of activities can be ideal springboards for meeting new people and allowing you to develop new interests, which may serve as common ground with which you can connect with others.
Cultivate new interests

Explore some new interests, hobbies and pastimes. Sign up for a class at your community college or community recreation center. Volunteer to be a tour guide at your citys art or history museum. Join a bowling league, garden club or bridge club. See if theres a book discussion group you can be a part of at your local library. If you have kids in school, get involved with the parent-teacher group. If youre interested in scrapbooking or antiquing, ask your network of acquaintances to see if there are people who can show you the ropes or want to get involved in these hobbies themselves. One woman who recently moved to my community started a morning walking club to get to know new people and get some regular exercise. She invited mothers she met at her sons school events and told
Dont let long-distance friendships slide

Whether youve recently relocated to a new area or you have lots of friends who have moved to different parts of the country, dont let long-distance relationships fall by the wayside. Phone calls, letters, cards and e-mail messages from far-flung friends and family can go a long way in keeping loneliness at bay. In many ways, its easier than ever to stay in touch. You might want to pick regular days and times to call out-of-town friends and relatives each week. You may even want to consider getting an account with a social networking site like Facebook. Its an easy way to share photos with friends and keep up with what others are doing. And
continued next page
Be friendly
It sounds simple, but one of the best ways to combat loneliness is to be friendly and approachable. Others will be much more drawn to you if you smile when you see them, make good eye contact, focus on positive conversation topics and show a genuine interest in what they have to say. If youre in a room full of people and nobodys approaching you, then be willing to be the one actively seeking out others and starting conversations with them.
Confronting Loneliness - continued
who knows, you may be able to reconnect with some long-lost acquaintances.
Make changes
If you think you are lonely because youre too shy, then begin to work to overcome your shyness. If you feel detached from others because of a misunderstanding that took place, then seek to repair the relationship. Address the root of your loneliness, whatever that may be. GB
About the Author
Robyn Sabes is a research writer and staff writer for Going Bonkers. Copyright Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved.
L I F E R E C I P E B OX
You know when a great idea strikes because you have to write it down but what do you do with all those pieces of paper that now clutter your space? How long can you make excuses for the accumulation on the refrigerator and white board? You can't throw away those ideas. Instead, create your own Life Recipe Box to lower your stress level. Heres how: 1. Gather your supplies: an index card box, a stack of index cards including four dividers, and three pens of different colors. 2. Write the words "My Inspirations" at the top of your first card. Add why it's important to accomplish your to do lists. Perhaps it's because your ideas can foster great adventures. Keep this one in the front of the box. 3. On the back of the same card write "My Challenges." Add statements about why it is difficult to accomplish your ideas. Maybe you lose your ideas in the clutter. 4. Choose five cards and write "Learn and Join" in one color at the top of each card. In a second color, write one skill to learn or a group to join on each card. Maybe you want to discuss books. Add "join reading club" on one card. 5. On another five cards write "Places and Events." With another pen, write down one place to visit or event to attend on each card. The place could be across the world or across the street. Think of all the performances or activities you always want to attend but forget. 6. Pick five more cards and write "Friends and Family" on each card. Using the second color, write down something you would like to do or ask of someone on each card. Maybe you'll list that friend who you always say you'll meet for coffee. 7. Select five final cards and write "Finances and Purchases." In the second color, add something fiscally important to you. You might put "pay off credit cards" on one card. 8. Now you have 20 ideas but how will you accomplish them? Use the third color to write a due date for each card. Some are going to have due dates a year from now and others will be set for much sooner. Next, add an attainable quantity. Using both techniques, "Send Sue Letters" has become "Send Sue Letters," "June 15th," and "four." You know that you'll finish if you send Sue four letters by June 15th. 9. Place the blank cards in the back of your box you'll need them soon for more ideas. 10. Design the four divider cards and file your cards. Color the tabs of each card to find them easily in the box. Name the cards as follows: Current, General, On Hold, and Done. Place each card behind one of the first three dividers. Since we followed the step of adding a due date and quantity, you will soon discover your Done section filling up fast. Welcome to the recipe for your life. Revisit your cards over the next months to cultivate your great ideas.
By Todd Wellman
A d n Fi
e ur C
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THE REPAIR
HOW TO REPAIR A DAMAGED RELATIONSHIP
By Travis Bradberry, Ph.D
Relationships are tough. Conflict is a normal part of two people with different needs, interests, and motivations coming together. It's how conflict is handled that determines the quality and ultimate success of a relationship. Researchers at the University of Washington (the same researchers who can predict the future success of a relationship with 93% accuracy) have discovered that successful relationships address conflict using a single technique one that's so effective at addressing conflict that it's called a repair.
outcomes of the conflicts that you weave them into. They inject health into relationships that have been damaged by discord.
MAKING REPAIRS
It's safe to assume that we've all had conversations that could use a repair. A simple discussion breaks into a disagreement or gets stuck going around in circles. In these broken conversations, past mistakes get brought to the surface, regretful comments are made, and blame is prevalent. No matter who said what, or who "started it," it's time to refocus and fix things. It's time for you to step back, quickly assess the situation, and begin repairing the conversation. Repairs happen in a four-step process: STEP ONE
REPAIR
A repair is a gesture that shows respect and concern for the other despite disagreement. Repairs take on many forms, but all aim at resolving a conflict together-as opposed to winning a conflict on your own. A repair can be anything from suggesting a compromise, to owning your half of the situation, to voicing respect for another party, to using humor to break tension. In the heat of an argument, a repair sends an instant signal that you think the other person is important, that you respect him or her, and that you're willing to put the good of the relationship ahead of your self-interest. Repairs don't just improve the
TAKE YOUR EMOTIONS OUT OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT

A repair involves moving beyond the expression of anger, resentment, and hostility toward the other party. Your first hope for a successful repair lies in your self-awareness. You cant improve on an argument if youre being thrown over a barrel by your emotions. Disagreements bring your emotions rushing to the surface, and
you cant perform a repair unless you understand them. Dont waste time feeling guilty about your feelings. Just focus your energy on understanding them for what they are. If you find your emotions are so strong that its hard to think clearly, it is probably best to save the discussion for later. If youre so emotional that youre getting tunnel vision, feeling sick, or are just in a haze, the most successful repair is explaining to the other party that you feel overwhelmed and need some time to cool off and get your thoughts together before continuing. Your argument is not going anywhere, so dont pressure yourself into a discussion when you cant think clearly. STEP TWO
want to be right, or do you want a resolution? Move beyond thinking of ways that you can convince the other party of your opinions, and ask yourself what you can do to honor their feelings. Respecting anothers opinions, right or wrong, is the key to compromise. STEP THREE
tive and do the same. People with the best skills at repairing disagreements are the same ones who try the most often. STEP FOUR
DISCUSS REPAIRS TOGETHER

It will also help your relationship to discuss repairs together. If you can talk about your arguments, you are both more likely to initiate repairs the next time you have one. When repair attempts are always onesided, a relationship usually fails. Both parties need to work to resolve challenges together. By talking about repairs, you develop the understanding that they are important. Even if the other party has trouble making repairs the next time the two of you argue, he or she will likely recognize your effort and realize that it is an attempt to make things better. A successful repair must be initiated by one partner at a time, but when the other responds in kind, the relationship builds an unshakable strength that can only come from a high level of emotional intelligence. GB
About the Author
Dr. Travis Bradberry is the awardwinning co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and the cofounder of TalentSmart, a think tank and consultancy that serves more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies and is the world's leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
MAKE A REPAIR AND EVALUATE ITS EFFECTIVENESS

At this stage of the game, all you need to do is craft your repair and give it a whirl. Keep in mind that an effective repair will: Show respect for the other party Show concern for the other party's perspective Find common ground Be neutral in tone The look of a successful repair can be as varied as the problems it solves. A repair that works in one situation with one person may just make things worse in another. Saying "What exactly do you mean by that?" can sound like you are minimizing the issues in the middle of one argument, but be received as a sign of wanting to make things better in another. To perform a successful repair, arm yourself with the knowledge that many of your attempts will crash and burn. Even an empathetic comment like, "I understand what you are saying," can be perceived as belittling if the other party is defensive or not accustomed to you saying this. Be ready to try multiple repairs in a single argument and expect that they will not all go off without a hitch. The more you repair, the more the other party will be recep-
TAKE A LOOK AT THE FIELD FROM THE OTHER SIDE

If you are composed enough to have some perspective on the situation, you can initiate the next step in a repair. Use your social awareness skills to focus your thoughts on what things must be like in the other persons shoes. Dont spend time thinking about what theyre like. Just imagine what theyre thinking and feeling. Whats important to them and how is that driving their behavior? You cant launch a successful repair until you fully understand why the other person is doing whatever it is that they are doing. You have to show the other person that you care about how things look from their point of view, even if you dont agree with it. This cant happen until you actually see things the way they do. To do so, you need to let go of blame and focus on the repair. Do you
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes and candy wrappers were scattered all about the front yard. The front door to the house was wide open. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and clothes. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, food was spilled on the counter, dog food was all over the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a large pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He entered the bedroom where he found his wife lounging in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
Yes, Johnny, what is it?, asked the teacher. I dont want to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didnt get better marks, someone was going to get in big trouble.
Take a Laugh Break

One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running? Little Johnny says; Im keeping two kids from fighting, sir. Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation." A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' the woman replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.
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A guy tells his psychiatrist, I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push and push with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, the door wont budge." The psychiatrist muses, Interesting." But tell me, what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, It says pull.
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up..."
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. Almost every night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight. When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, Not really, Im up anyway. I practice my trumpet till about that time most every night.
CONFESSIONS OF A GOLD STAR JUNKIE When Youre Feeling Unappreciated

Oh, how I crave gold stars. One of my worst qualities is my insatiable need for credit; I always want the recognition, the praise, the gold star of approval. I struggle to master my need for gold stars, because it makes me a resentful score-keeper. Several of my resolutions this year are aimed at this desire, like dont expect praise or appreciation and "appreciate myself." One of my Twelve Commandments I try to live by is "no calculation" it comes from a quotation from St. Therese of Lisieux, who observed, When one loves, one does not calculate. Nevertheless, for all my efforts, I have to admit that I still crave gold stars. Whether or not I should want them, I do. Here are the strategies I use to try to curb my craving:
GOAL-MINDER
Weve all made New Years resolutions. The problem is how do we actually follow through? Initial enthusiasm and determination so often fade to neglect and guilt. To help myself stick to my resolutions, I keep resolution charts. I borrowed the idea from Ben Franklin. In his Autobiography, he explains that he identified thirteen virtues to cultivate, then made a chart with those virtues plotted against the days of the week. Each day, hed score himself. You can make a similar scoring chart a calendar with all your resolutions, in which you give yourself a (good) or an X (bad). Keeping these charts has made a huge difference in helping me stick to my resolutions. Why? Studies show that were much more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete actions, with some kind of accountability. Actually writing down a goal helps to commit to pursuing that goal. Research shows that repeating ideas makes them much more accessible and therefore more active. As I review my resolutions to score myself, Im also keeping ideas like Sing in the morning, Show up, or Answer the phone with good cheer uppermost in my mind. Visible proof of progress is encouraging. Just this little bit of reinforcement can make a big difference.
GB
Tell people youd like to get a gold star. Once I acknowledged to

myself how much I crave gold stars, I was able to explain that to my family and sometimes even joke about it. Since then, theyve all been better about doling them out, because they know how important it is to me. Also, its easy for people to innocently overlook contributions youve made, and if you give a gentle reminder, they might happily load you with gold stars.
Express your appreciation for what other people do. One good
rule for happiness is that if you wish people would act a certain way toward you, act that way towards others. If you wish people would be freer with praise and appreciation, make sure youre ladling it out yourself. Also, when you push yourself to feel grateful for what others are doing, you remind yourself of how much they do for you.
Do it for yourself. For a long time,

I self-righteously told myself that I made certain efforts for the team. While this sounded generous, it led to a bad result, because I sulked when my husband or whoever didnt appreciate my efforts. Now, I tell myself, Im doing this for myself. This is what I want. I want to send out Valentines cards. I want to organize the cabinets. This sounds selfish, but in fact, its less selfish, because it means Im not waiting for a gold star. No one else even has to notice what Ive done.
Look for the Silver Lining. Its

ironic: the more reliable you are, and the less you complain, the more likely you are to be taken for granted and feel unappreciated. If you always meet deadlines, if you never lose your temper, if youre always prepared, people overlook your efforts. The silver lining to that is that those things say a lot about you, and should be considered a compliment! -------------------------------------About the Author: Gretchen Rubin is the best-selling writer whose book, Happiness Project is the account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier. Here, she shares her insights to help you create your own happiness project. Her website is www.HappinessProject.com and you can email her at gretchenrubin@gmail.com.
Find ways to reward yourself.

Maybe other people arent giving you credit, but you can give yourself credit. One reason I love keeping a Resolutions Chart is that I get a little jolt of satisfaction when I reward myself with a check-mark next to a resolution. I give myself my own gold stars!
Try www.Joesgoals.com. The moment I saw Joe's Goals, I knew I liked it. It's not a social goal-tracker or another to-do list app. Rather, it's a web-based goal-minder with a great interface for your daily goals, and it appears to be 100% free with a few advertisements, or a reasonable $12 a year.
STARTING OVER
Six Healing Lessons from Divorce
By Carol Grever
Suffering through a divorce is a lot like breaking a bone painful, but not usually fatal. Recovery from both kinds of wounds is similar. Shock follows the crisis of breaking a bone. Surviving is the urgent need. The break is assessed and then first-aid and a splint are applied. The bone is carefully set in the right direction and supported by a cast for proper healing. Healing slowly takes place, encouraged by healthful choices and good medicine. The bone begins to mend from the inside. Growth and vigor become apparent as the broken place builds new layers of protective strength, also created from within. Healing from the emotional damage of divorce follows a similar pattern. Like the bone in the metaphor, a separating spouse can survive the break, pass through the crisis, set a good direction, heal from within, and grow stronger and more vital as a result of the experience. Others have done this. You can too! Divorce can be a doorway, not a disaster. Accepting new realities is the key to that doorway. Recovery then progresses through forgive-
ness, letting go of the past, releasing resentments, and renewal of trust. People who successfully reconfigure whole lives with a sense of purpose have proven that this is possible. Their histories demonstrate six common practices that resulted in their recovery:
Just say it
Say what you need, clearly and without apology. Even if those needs cant be met immediately in the early shock phase, recognizing them, thinking them through and stating them aloud is an important first step for your survival and progress.
Live in the present

For first aid in your crisis stage, try to be here now. If you can wake up to your own basic goodness and strength, all the resources you need to live fully are present within. Avoid dwelling on what used to be or might have been. Turn off the old tapes. The past and the future are merely thoughts. Only the present moment is real. This realization can help to calm a broken heart.
Get closure
Recognize that closure is important. This doesn't mean that your
memory is erased. Rather, it implies a sense of completion, like closing one chapter and beginning a new one. You have two choices: Either keep replaying the tired story line of loss, slipping deeper into bitterness, or start all over and create a new life. Let go of old baggage and find new activities and friends. Make conscious changes in many small ways that add up to deep renewal. This phase of recovery is similar to the expert medical care needed to set and support the broken bone. It is the medicine that encourages proper healing from the inside.
trace of self-pity. They let go of bitterness and see their experience as a teacher, searching for life lessons that can grow out of pain. They make the most of their severe education, transition to another place, and determine to enjoy the difference.
Thrive!
Your greatest power is to create change in your own life. It is said that the measure of mental health is the ability to find good in everything. With the power of determination, you can survive and thrive after divorce, adding layer after layer of protective strength, growing from your own positive thoughts. You would go to a doctor to set a broken bone. In the same way, you
probably will need competent counseling to heal a broken heart. Talking with a trained professional or just a trusted friend can help lighten the burden of divorce and support your own determination to overcome the obstacles. Whether youre nursing a physical wound or the emotional trauma of divorce, it is possible to conquer the pain, heal your hurts, and emerge whole and content. GB
About the Author
Carol Grever is the author of My Husband Is Gay: A Womans Guide to Surviving the Crisis (Random House) and When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mates Recovery Manual (The Haworth Press). Visit her online at www.carolgrever.com or read her blog at www.straightspouseconnection.com
See yourself as complete

One divorce survivor put it this way: I carry my happiness with me. I'm not looking for anyone to make me whole or full or complete. I'm able to do that myself . . . . I don't see that I'm less than whole by not being part of a couple; I think being part of a couple is just a bonus." Reaching this important realization is evidence of vigorous mental health. It is proof of new layers of protective strength, built over time from within.
Forgive
Forgive, in order to heal yourself. Long-term rage is poison. Prolonged fury is suicidal. Release your anger and be free. This is a final step in complete recovery from the wounds of divorce. Letting go of the past is difficult but essential, and this benchmark takes the most time to achieve.
No pity parties
Resolve not to be a victim. Those who emerge from divorce with their self esteem intact show no
Ending Power Struggles

HOW TO WALK AWAY FROM A FIGHT WITH YOUR CHILD
By Sara Bean, M.Ed.
Youve probably heard these words of advice before: Just walk away when your child is trying to pull you into a fight. And in fact, turning around and walking away is one of the most important things you can do as a parent to end power struggles with your kids. But what should you do when your child wont let you walk away?
Consider these two scenarios:

You tell your 10-year-old daughter that she cant have her friend over this Saturday and she is not happy. She begs and pleads, but you stand your ground. When she starts to escalate, you tell her you arent going to argue about it and you attempt to walk away. But then she comes unglued and starts crying hysterically. She tells you she hates you, then she grabs onto your arm, still pleading with you to change your mind. You know you need to get away, and you manage to make it to your bedroom and lock yourself inside. Thats when the screaming and banging on the door begin. You try to ignore it but eventually cant take it anymore. You break down, open the door, completely lose your cool and scream at her. When you walk away you win and your child doesnt want that to happen, so he will try almost anything to keep it going, whether its calling you names, throwing things, punching a hole in the wall, or slamming a door.
You pick your teen son up from school and inform him that his cell phone has been shut off for 24 hours because he was on the phone past his bedtime the night before. He unleashes a verbal assault on you and you tell him to stop. He demands that you turn his phone back on immediately, and when you stay silent, he blows up. He leans over and yells in your face while youre holding onto the steering wheel of the car with white knuckles, trying to focus on getting home safely. When you continue to ignore him, he takes his cell phone and throws it as hard as he can into the back seat of the car. You cant control yourself any longer so you yell at him and tell him hes lost the phone for a month now. You pull into the driveway feeling horrible.
WHY YOUR CHILD WANTS TO PULL YOU BACK IN

Disengaging is one of the best ways to stop power struggles from happening or arguments from continuing. But many kids particularly defiant, oppositional ones will follow their parents around, prolonging the argument. Why do they do this? When you walk away or stop participating in an argument, you send your child the message that youre in control. Though they arent consciously aware of all of this, they feel the power shift from them to you, so if they can pull you back into the argument they can regain that control they
lost. When you walk away you win and they dont want that to happen, so they will try almost anything to keep it going, whether its calling you names, throwing things, punching a hole in the wall, or slamming a door. If they can do something that gets you to react, they feel a whole lot better. And in many cases, they know that if they push all the right buttons, you just might give in to get relief from the torment. There are several common scenarios we hear. Lets take a look at each and talk about what to do. You go to your room and your child follows you: Heres the trick: Once you walk away, say no more. Lock the door and ride out the storm. If your child is screaming outside your door or pounding on it with all their might, ignore them. Do whatever you can to cope until theyve calmed down. The second you turn that door knob to tell them to stop, youve given them what they wanted. Put on some headphones, turn up the TV, read a book, knit. Do whatever you have to do to focus your attention away from your childs behavior. If they damage something or call you foul names while theyre pounding on your door, give them consequences afterward, when theyve calmed down and stick to them. In other words, ignore their attempts to pull you in when youre disengaging from them, but hold them accountable for anything they damage (or rules they break) later. Your child trashes her own room: If your child goes to her own room and starts to throw things around or screams at the top of her lungs about what a jerk you are or how
much she hates you, let her. If she breaks something of her own, thats a natural consequence. She will have to buy her own replacement or do some chores to earn the money to buy a new one. If she makes a mess of the room, she will have to clean it up later when things calm down. Its more effective to focus on controlling yourself and your emotions rather than your childs behavior. An over-the-phone argument: If the argument is over the phone or via text message, tell your child that youre done with the discussion and you will not reply anymore. Then, follow through. Turn the phone off, or unplug it if its a landline and get involved with something else. You can finish talking later when things are calm again. When youre in the car: This is one of the most difficult places to get into an argument with your child. The first rule is, pull over. You may not be able to walk away, but you might be able to step outside the car to get some fresh air if its safe to do so. Or, you can tell your child youre not going to continue on until they calm down, because its not safe for you to drive while theyre verbally abusing you or acting disruptive. Then, find something to do that will help you cope. This might take some planning ahead, such as packing a book or magazine (or keeping something like that in your glove compartment) that you can pull out and use in these cases. You cant walk away because youre busy: Lets say, for example, that youre cooking dinner. Set one limit with your child and then
do what you can to focus your attention on the task at hand, not your child. Avoid eye contact and ignore comments he makes under his breath. Find some sort of mental task to occupy your mind, such as counting or singing a song to yourself in your head. If you have a relatively compliant child who will go to his room when asked, you can tell him to do so, but if your child is like most, he will refuse. Since you cant make him go, the best thing to do is not pay attention to him. The key is to avoid giving his behavior any power. Control what you can yourself. Your child blocks you or clings to you: This is perhaps the most difficult situation to find yourself in when you try to walk away. Its very important that you stay calm, use a normal tone of voice, and tell your child this behavior is not okay, while redirecting them to go do something to calm down. Theyre probably going to stick around, though at least at first. Continue to remain calm and wait it out. Yes, this might mean that you literally stand there and wait. You could also let your child know that they need to stop or there will be a consequence later. If your child is not blocking your path, try your best to go about your business do the dishes, read a book, or surf the internet. The goal is to find some sort of task to focus on so your attention is not on your childs behavior.
WHEN YOUR CHILD THREATENS YOU OR BECOMES ABUSIVE

If you feel threatened by your child and have access to a phone, you
continued next page
Ending Power Struggles - continued
might decide to call the police. A word of caution: do not get into a physical power struggle to escape from your child. Pushing against them or trying to get free may cause some kids to escalate. Also, to be clear, we do not recommend calling the police simply because your child is being defiant. There is a difference between frustrating, blocking behavior and threatening, unsafe behavior.
A Special Note about Children Age 4 and Younger:

For children who are pre-school age or younger, or who have developmental delays or disabilities that cause them to function at 4 years of age or younger, walking away as described in this article may not be effective. Disengaging and moving too far away from a child at this developmental level may cause anxiety. If this is the case with your child, it might be better to try to stay close by within your childs sight. It can be really helpful to say something like this: Youre so upset. I wish I could help you calm down. Why dont you and then suggest a calming activity for them to do. This might be looking at a book, playing some music they like, or playing with a favorite toy. You can model how to stay calm and you can disengage without leaving the room altogether.
down. Another example is, Yelling at me isnt going to get you what you want. When you calm down, we can talk more. Ill check on you in 15 minutes and see if youre ready. Also, if your child has younger siblings in the home, take them with you when you walk away so they dont become a target or a pawn that your child can use to pull you back into the argument. If your child has older siblings, you might tell them to go to their rooms until your child calms down. The smaller the audience is, (or the number of potential targets) the better.
WILL MY CHILD EVER STOP BANGING ON MY DOOR?

It has been shown that over time, when a behavior is no longer reinforced or rewarded, it will eventually fade away also referred to as extinction. To put it another way, if the behavior doesnt get what it needs to survive your attention it will eventually cease to exist. The key is to be consistent. If you continue to feed the behavior, even just once in a while, the behavior will continue to rear its ugly head. It takes a lot of time, energy, and practice and it will be very exhausting, but do your best to consistently ignore your childs attempts to pull you back into the argument after youve disengaged. Over time your kids will see that you mean it when you walk away and they will learn they cant pull you back in. This change in your response will lead your child to adapt or to find new (and hopefully more appropriate) ways of coping. GB
About the Author
Sara A. Bean, M.Ed. holds a Masters Degree in Education with a concentration in School Counseling from Florida Atlantic University. She is a Certified School Counselor and a proud aunt to a 5 year-old girl. She has been with Legacy Publishing since 2009 working on the Parental Support line at http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/parentalsupport.aspx. Sara has over 5 years of experience working with youth and families in private homes, residential group homes, and schools.
Related: Does your spouse undermine your parenting style?

Once youve walked away, be aware of any potential safety issues or needs for local supports. If it sounds like your child is being incredibly destructive to your home, it might be a good idea to call the police instead of trying to stop him yourself. Oftentimes, we suggest that parents call the nonemergency number for their local police department ahead of time to discuss how they would handle these kinds of situations if you should call them for assistance. This way, you have an idea of what youd be getting into and you can make an informed decision. If your child threatens to hurt themselves or someone else, thats another situation in which you will need to utilize some local supports, such as the police or a local crisis helpline. When the safety of your child, or another family member, is at risk, you absolutely want to step back in there in some way and make sure everyone is safe.
OTHER TECHNIQUES TO HELP YOU WALK AWAY

Before you walk away, its always helpful to set a limit with your child and attempt to redirect them. For example, Im going to go take a break. You should go listen to some music or do something to calm
BONKERISM
Life begins where your comfort zone ends.
GB
Ouch!
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PRIMARY AGREEMENTS?
By Robert C. Jameson, MFT
We have several primary agreements in our intimate relationships. Sometimes they are verbalized, but most often they are just assumed and understood. We agree to take care of each other, as well as to be nice, to protect and not to hurt each other. Ive got your back! I wont hurt you, and I wont let any one else hurt you! Youre safe with me! Then something happens. We start attacking each other saying and doing the things we said we would never say or do. What happened to those primary agreements? If you say or do something and I experience an ouch on any level, then our primary agreement is out the window. You said you wouldnt hurt me and you did, so Im hurting you back. Not only that, Im going to hurt you twice as bad, just to make my point! This is called revenge. Now you have an ouch and you join me with your counter attack. Anything you have been holding back comes out of your mouth with volume and venom. I receive your intensity and return my rebuttal with even more hurtful intensity, and on and on we go. At some point, were both exhausted and we make up and apologize for
all the stupid things we said or did. Ugh! Im sure you have seen and/or experienced this scenario many times. So, whats really going on here and can we avoid these hurtful episodes in our intimate relationships? If we examine this scenario closely we discover an interesting pattern. If we look at the original ouch, we see that the person receiving the ouch forgot a few things and they ran through some assumptions. They forgot that their partner is on their side. They forgot that their partner is there for them, that their partner loves them and wants to protect them from harm. They assumed that the ouch was intentional, and that it was done on purpose. Its at this point, the point of the original ouch, that I ask partners to do a perception check. A perception check sounds like this: Did you intend to hurt me? Was it your intention to belittle me or insult me? Were you trying to put me down or make me feel stupid? When asked these questions, the answer almost always is, No! I love you. Im not trying to hurt you or shame you in any way.
To be clear, this is at the first ouch. If I feel you have hurt me, and you ask if I intended to hurt you, my answer will be, Yes! You hurt me, so Im hurting you back! Its at the first ouch where the perception check works, after that we quickly move into the process of revenge. So, the next time you feel an ouch from your intimate partner, stop and pause for a moment to ask them what their intention was. If they say they were trying to help you, believe their words. You might need to set a boundary here or tell them a more effective way of helping you. That can be fun and it can create a more intimate and loving relationship one thats more joyful than fighting.
About the Author
Robert C. Jameson is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and focuses on helping clients understand and overcome issues, such as anger, hurt, depression, anxiety, love, relationships, boundaries and limiting beliefs, to name a few. During his years of private practice, Mr. Jameson found it useful to give many of his clients "homework" in the form of handouts to support their work while in session. His book, The Keys to Joy-Filled Living was born from his handouts of tried and true exercises and techniques. Visit is website at www.thekeystojoyfilledliving.com
Afraid Not
How to Turn what Scares You into Your Greatest Gift
By Thom Rutledge
Fear takes many forms, like dread, panic, anxiety, self-consciousness, superstition, and negativity. And it manifests itself in many ways, like avoidance, procrastination, judgment, control, and agitation, to name just a few. Whether we are afraid of the dark or being alone, of failure or commitment, of public speaking or flying, fear dominates our lives, affecting nearly every decision we make. We can often conquer, or at least cope with, tangible fears, like the fear of spiders, heights, public speaking but unlike concrete phobias, our deeper worries of losing those we love, of failure can render us restless night after night. But fear no more Its time to take back your life and learn to manage the really scarey stuff!
focus on the benefits of change: a chance to grow, face new challenges, discover new opportunities, gain new perspectives, and move out of the old and into the new.
Fear Of Intimacy
Men don't have a corner on the market of fear of intimacy and commitment. Whether it's you or your partner who is intimacy averse, look at these fears as the starting point for exploration. Uncovering the specifics of why there's a fear of closeness is the key to truly understanding it. Ask questions in order to get to the heart of the matter: "What is it about commitment that is scary? Are you afraid you are going to discover that you have made a mistake? Are you afraid that if someone gets to really know you, they will reject you? Has someone in your past taken advantage of your being vulnerable in relationship?"
we needed someone to be there for us but they were not. While it's often associated with those growing up in a so-called dysfunctional family, those with perfectly "normal" childhoods might also feel this void. If you have a strong fear of abandonment, then being in a relationship with someone who is genuinely committed to the relationship is very helpful. But its important to remember that looking for someone else to quell your fears no matter how trustworthy and dependable they are won't solve the issue entirely. Instead of finding another person who can fill the hole this fear often creates, dig deep to see how you might actually be neglecting yourself and your own needs.
Fear Of Change
We humans are an interesting study. We're especially afraid of uncertainty, but ironically, the only thing certain about life is change. While we can't fully purge the pessimistic thoughts that can pop up the moment we face change, it's important to stay optimistic and
Fear Of Decision-Making
When two roads diverge, to reference the poet Robert Frost, we sometimes hem and haw at the sight of both paths, paralyzed over the choice of which to travel. But we don't really fear making a decision. Instead, we are more specifically afraid of making the wrong decision.
Fear Of Abandonment
This fear almost always stems from some childhood disappointment, particularly in experiences when
If you start feeling panicked when determining which road might lead to a better outcome, know that there's a lesson to be learned. Decision-making is an excellent place to learn about differentiating between healthy fear and neurotic fear. Neurotic fear emanates that perfectionist belief that all decisions must be the right decisions. Following the guidance of that fear will just get us stuck. Healthy fear will guide us to be careful and thorough when we are making decisions it will help us move forward and allow us to take risks.
turn back into lemons as if there's such a thing as being too happy, too accomplished, or even too in love and that something is bound to go wrong. The fear of success is a misnomer. It's really our fear of having something and then losing it. Yet, as counterproductive as fearing your own fortune might seem, a life without fear is simply not human. When we start to feel worried that everything going well in our lives will crumble, it's important to move toward what scares us, not for its own sake, but for the sake of learning what we can from our fear. Always move toward your demons they take their power from your retreat. The faster you run away, the more power fear will have over you.
Fear Of Death
Worrying about death is the ultimate fear of uncertainty. It brings up not only the question of 'Will I still exist?' but also, 'Who will I be if I do still exist?'" which in turn brings the ironic fear of nonexistence. Just like losing our loved ones, our own endings are inevitable. It's important to face this fear with thoughtful introspection. The discussions we can have if we allow ourselves to acknowledge the enormity of the fear of death are amazing. I frequently encourage clients and workshop participants to stop from time to time and measure how they are doing from the perspective of their 'death-point.' In other words, if you were at the end of your life, looking back at this day, how would you feel about it? I call it living according to the RegretReduction Program. Fear is worrying that something bad will happen in the future. When we live fully in the present moment, fear cannot exist. It is a powerful place to be. GB
About the Author
Thom Rutledge is the author of Embracing Fear: How to Turn What Scares Us Into Our Greatest Gift. He has over twenty-five years' experience as a psychotherapist. Thom's trademark sense of humor, a down-to-earth practicality, and his own compassion are the common threads that run throughout his unique brand of self-help psychology. Thom also writes regularly for self-help/recovery publications around the country, including Steps for Recovery (Los Angeles), The Phoenix (Minneapolis), and Recovery Today.
Fear Of Failure
Whether you're about to start a job, take on a difficult project at work, or begin a romantic relationship, the idea that things might not work out can overshadow the excitement of embarking on a new journey. The fear of failure can be paralyzing, so much so that it can actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The goal is not to be rid of the fear, but instead to move forward in spite of it. It has become clich to say, 'Courage is moving on in spite of fear rather than the absence of fear.' But clich or not, this is crucial to understand. There really is no success without the risk of failure. If you are facing that daunting project and you can feel the fear rising in you, take a deep breath, and tell yourself that you are willing to risk failure then step up to the challenge.
Fear Of Loss
Getting caught in the fear of losing someone you love, whether founded in the reality of a person being sick or in the more theoretical "some day," can be a dark place in which to dwell. Loss is a part of life, and so is the fear of loss. But it's one thing to know this, and quite another to accept it without becoming fixated on the daunting fact that people we love will, some day, be gone forever. The sooner we face this fear, the better, especially when such loss is eminent. Don't be afraid to reach out for help to people you can trust and confide in. It takes more guts to let someone know what's going on with us than it does to hide. The danger here is the temptation to isolate, to metaphorically want to pull the covers over your head.
Fear Of Success
When life hands us lemonade, we sometimes worry that it's going to
Practical Conscious Creation

How to Become a Better, Faster Manifestor
By Jackie Lapin
Youre probably familiar with the principles of The Law of Attraction and have seen or read The Secret. If so, then youre aware of how you can use the power of positively directed thought to improve your life. But lets be honestHow often do you remember to apply these principles? Maybe once or twice a month? Or when you come across something you really want so you get busy visualizing? Have you really made it a way of life? Changing your life through conscious creation is not a sometime thing: it requires rewiring your thinking, changing your lifestyle, and being consistent. It mandates becoming proficient at conscious creation, and applying the principles of conscious creation to everything you do: decision making; energy management; relationships; attitude; mindset; activities; habits; communication; self-care; and daily chores. And when you do, the reward is in becoming a better, faster manifestor, day-by-day, and ultimately, enabling you to live a life of your choosing. Ive created practical ways that you can use the key principles of conscious creation in daily life, so that it would become a way of life, not just an occasional practice:
Setting Intentions/Visions. In starting any project you want to clear a smooth pathway. Setting an intention is like laying your Yellow Brick Road. It gives you and the Universe a shared direction and destination. Being Clear on Where You Are Heading or What Outcome Youd Like to See. You cant get there from here if you dont know where youre going. Be very clear about what you want and that your heart and head are in alignment. (i.e. your subconscious beliefs arent undermining your forward motion.) True clarity allows the molecules to form into a specific reality related to your intention. Checking Your Mindset for Negative Thinking. Youve got to root out any vibrations (thoughts, emotions) that are sabotaging your pathway. Negative thinking comes in a whole rainbow of colors fear, anticipating all the reasons things wont happen, limitations, distrust, lack of self confidence, feelings of unworthiness, blame, remembering the past experiences, needing to control, anger, etc.) Selecting Your Energy and Applying It. Once youve recognized your negative thoughts, you have the ability to choose an alternative vibration. Whats it going to
be? Optimism, Trust, Assuming the Best, Faith in Self, Faith in the Universe, Cheerfulness, Love, Compassion, Willingness, Acceptance or a combination of these? Being Cognizant of Your Words. You must be vigilant about the words you use both in your mind and in the world because these have a tendency to become your reality. As you go about your project, what are you saying to yourself, to your colleagues, to your partner, to your friends, to your family and to others youd like to influence? Opening Yourself to Assistance. Too often we think of ourselves as loan wolves, everything falling on our shoulders, but if we only open ourselves to assistance, or call it forth, it can be ours. This can be in the form of tangible aid from others people pitching in or the Universe putting exactly what we need in our path to help us. Being True to Yourself. We must be honest with ourselves and others, and be true to our desires and our values in order to fulfill our goals and our destinies. We cant live a life of compromise for others, because that diminishes our true passion. It is the energy of passion that manifests and moves us in the direction we seek. Allowing What Happens to Be OK and Being Flexible. Where many aspiring Conscious Creators fall down is in their rigidity of holding to a chosen outcome or expectation. While setting intentions and visions is important, being flexible with what manifests is even more important. Learn to adjust, accept and flow. Without resistance you
can maintain a positive, gracious and happy outlook. Accepting the Wisdom of the Experience. Find the gift in the experience, no matter how it turns out: what lesson, benefit, positive spin can you derive from the experience? You can apply practical conscious creation to money, to relationships, to love and romance, to work, to family life, to health and healing, to all of the things that hold you back, to living life more deliciously to anything. And heres the fun part You can feel the difference in the flow of everything. If you are like me, youll soon start seeing things manifest far more quickly for you in all phases of your life small and large achievements, wishes, hopes, dreams. Practical conscious creation is the key to fast-tracking your manifesting. Make it a lifestyle and youll be astonished at the changes in your life! GB
About the Author

Jackie Lapin tours the world teaching Practical Conscious Creation. She is the bestselling author of The Art of Conscious Creation; How You Can Transform the World and Practical Conscious Creation: Daily Techniques to Manifest Your Desires. Filled with specific and imaginative practices, Practical Conscious Creation offers 70 articles with step-by-step actions to achieve greater empowerment and a more satisfying lifestyle. To learn how to become a better, faster manifestor, secure a free chapter of Practical Conscious Creation or receive Jackie Lapins daily manifesting tips, visit www.jackielapin.com. Jackie Lapin is also the founder of LifeWisdomNetwork.com, the Virtual Village that is the Marketplace, Directory and Information Resource for the fastgrowing Consciousness and Transformational World. A place where mind/body/spirit entrepreneurs and self-help experts connect with their next customers and clients worldwide. Go to www.LifeWisdomNetwork.com for more information or to learn how to become a Village Member.
Wacky Wisdom
An old farmer had plowed around a large rock in one of his fields for years. This rock had caused him to break many pieces of equipment and had caused him a lot of problems. After breaking yet another plow, he finally decided to do something about it. When he put the crowbar under the rock, he was surprised to discover that it was only about four inches thick and that he could break it up easily with a sledgehammer. As he was carting the pieces away he had to smile, remembering all the trouble that the rock had caused him over the years and how easy it would have been to get rid of it sooner. MORAL: Tackle problems head on, and trust that they are never really as big as they seem.
Positive Living
The Kings close friend had a habit of looking at every situation (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!" One day the king and his friend were out hunting. The friend loaded the gun for the King, but when the King fired it, his thumb was blown off. The friend remarked, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail. A year later, the king was captured by cannibals, but as the cannibals began to prepare their feast they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole, so they let the King go. The King immediately went to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off. And I am so sorry for sending you to jail for so long." "No," his friend replied, "This is good! If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you!" MORAL: We can find something positive in every situation.
In 1952 Sir Edmund Hillary attempted to climb Mount Everest, but failed. A few weeks later a group in England asked him to address its members. Hillary walked on stage to a thunderous applause. The audience was recognizing an attempt at greatness, but Hillary saw himself as a failure. He moved away from the microphone and walked to the edge of the platform. He made a fist and pointed at a picture of the mountain. He said in a loud voice, "Mount Everest, you beat me the first time, but I'll beat you the next time because you've grown all you are going to grow... but I'm still growing!" In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mount Everest. MORAL: If we accept failure, well never know the joy of success.
Dante Gabriel Rossetti, the famous 19th-century poet and artist, was once approached by an elderly man. The old fellow had some sketches and drawings that he wanted Rossetti to look at and tell him if they were any good, or if they at least showed potential talent. Rossetti looked over the batch of sketches and immediately became enthusiastic over the talent they revealed. "These are good," he said. This young student has great talent. He should be given every help and encouragement in his career as an artist. He has a great future if he will work hard and stick to it." Rossetti could see that the old fellow was deeply moved. "Who is this fine young artist?" he asked. The old man replied, "It is me, 40 years ago. If only I had heard your praise then! I got discouraged and gave up too soon." MORAL: Never believe it when someone tells you that youre not good enough.
Wacky Wisdom is a trademark of Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved 2012
There was a little girl who was suffering from a disease and needed blood from her ten year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. Without hesitation, he said, "Yes, I'll do it. As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled seeing the color return to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" He mistakenly thought that he was going to have to give her all his blood. MORAL: The price of helping others is usually much less than we fear.
Stop Calling Him Honey

and Start Having Sex Again
HOW TO AVOID THE ROOMMATE SYNDROME IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
By Maggie Arana
I was in a sexless relationship for many years, yet I never told anyone, not even my closest girlfriend. It was a dark secret that I kept inside. We were together for 20 years and sex was good for the first few years, but like many couples in a long-term relationship, sex just began to fade away. At the time, I wasnt sure why it faded away, but by year 10 we had definitely fallen under the category of a sexless relationship (sex less than once a month). We went on like this for 10 more years until the relationship finally ended. Youre probably thinking that we fought a lot, or that we never spent time together, or maybe one of us gained a lot of weight and didnt feel sexual anymore, etc. Well, that wasnt the case at all. In fact, we got along great. If people saw us at a party, we looked like the happiest couple in the room we were always engaged with each other and laughing together. We talked constantly, shared many common
interests and spent all of our time together. We both watched our weight and our health and still looked attractive. So what happened? At the time I had no idea. But sex just seemed to be something that wasnt part of our daily lives anymore. Sometimes we did have sex, but it was mostly because we felt that it was so odd that we didnt have it. Every couple of months or so we would have very perfunctory sex so we at least felt like we were normal. But it wasnt normal at all. We had completely lost the sexual chemistry between us and became more like brother and sister, or best friends so sex was very awkward when it did happen. I mean, you really dont feel like having sex with someone who feels more like a friend than a lover. Looking for a possible solution, I read several books on how to revive your sex life. Sadly, they all
continued next page
Stop Calling Him Honey - continued
had the same tired advice: redecorate your bedroom, go on a date night, buy new lingerie, or force yourselves to have sex regularly even if youre not into it. I even tried a couple of these, such as buying new lingerie, but when you havent had sex with your partner in a few months, buying new lingerie doesnt quite cut it. It just made me feel awkward and it made my partner feel awkward too like he had to have sex with me, even though he wasnt in the mood. We probably should have talked about our dilemma but both of us were too scared to face it. We had built our lives around each other. We were each others best friends. We loved each other deeply, so we didnt want to admit something that could rock our very foundation. Like most couples, we went along this way for years, acting as if everything was ok. But of course it wasnt. And sexuality isnt something that can go on unexpressed. Your sexuality is like the grass that you see peeking out of the cracks in the sidewalk. It will almost always find a way to come to the surface. If not expressed at home, it may come out somewhere else and with someone else. And thats when all the trouble starts infidelity, divorce etc. But why does it have to be this way when you really do love your partner? Sadly, by not discussing it, the very thing that you thought you were saving (the friendship) by living in a sexless relationship, eventually goes away too. So if you want to save your love and friendship with your mate, you have to save your sex life first. Several months after our breakup, I met my ex-partner at a restaurant. For the first time in years I called
him by his name (not honey, sweetie or some of the other saccharine names we used) because once you break up with someone, terms of endearment usually go out the window. This simple change was like a lightning bolt through my core. I now viewed my ex not as a cuddly, sweet teddy bear, but as the man that he was. I realized how our names are part of our gender, our individuality and when were in a relationship and never utter our names to each other, what effect does that have on our sexuality? Well, its not a positive one. I also looked at the other habits that we fell into that might have contributed to our lack of sex, and I found plenty. Like many other couples, we had an open bathroom door policy and often did everything in front of each other. What effect did it have on our sex life when he saw me on the toilet? Did my sexual feelings for him change, without me even realizing it, when I watched him pick his nose hairs, or lived with his endless farting in front of me? Somehow, I dont think the effect was a positive one.
discovered that there was a definite connection between some basic bad habits at home and a lack of sex. Unfortunately, in our casual way of living, we think that any habits we might fall into at home are ok mostly because everyone else does them too - habits like calling each other pookie, schwoopie or worse. Can you really go from Mama Bear Papa Bear to hot passionate sex? Weve learned that its just not possible. Pet names are very, very common (probably 99% of couples use them) and no one has ever challenged them before. And we have been told by many people that they call each honey or sweetie at home and their sex life is fine. To them I say two things: 1) Great. Im always happy to hear about a couple who is enjoying a healthy sex life. 2). Just because you use a pet name doesnt mean that you instantly lose your sex drive for each other. There are many factors in a slow decline in sex and it also matters how high or low your libido is in the first place. But the important thing to think about is that when you never call your spouse by their name and only use a pet name, you are making it more difficult to keep a sexual connection. Can you still have sex? Of course, because you might have other good habits going on too, or you both might have a high sex drive, but youre certainly not making it easier to keep the great connection that you enjoy now.
The Roommate Syndrome

Then I decided to see if other couples were also in the same situation as I was in my previous relationship. My writing partner, Julienne Davis, and I discovered that theres an epidemic of couples who generally get along, but are not having sex. We call this relationship type the Roommate Syndrome. After interviewing individuals and couples over a 10- year period we found that at least 50% of couples are living like roommates. We also
Keeping the Fire Alive

Your sex life with your partner is like a camp fire in the outdoors. At
first it is raging in all its heat and splendor and you dont have to do a thing to keep it going. It just burns brightly on its own. But if you never tend to the fire by adding new kindling or protecting it from the elements of the everyday world, before you know it, you look at it one day and that fire has gone out. And every time you let a bad habit go on in your home life, its akin to a light rain on your camp fire. Over time, that light rain will eventually put the fire out. Its a slow process but it does happen over time, slowly but surely. So what can you do to spark that flame again in the bedroom??
dont let him call you Mommy either. You are a mother to your child, not your husband, and having him calling you Mommy sends a subtle message of unsexuality into the relationship.
your partner interested in you, and more importantly, you keep yourself interested in life.
Love Yourself
Lastly, love the one youre with you! I know this sounds simple, but its not. So many of us sabotage ourselves and our sex lives with self-doubt and self- loathing. Get comfortable with your body and your sexuality again. We heard time and time again from men that a big turn on for them is a confident woman a woman who loves the skin she is in, no matter what size. Trust me, men dont care if youre a size 2 or not. Theyre much more likely to be turned on by a confident size 12 then an insecure size 2. Im happy to say that Ive been in a new relationship for several years and our sex life is great. Thankfully, my new partner was also in a sexless relationship in the past too, so he is very sensitive to keeping our sex life healthy and happy. We are best friends, soul mates, and best of all, lovers who now understand how to keep the fire alive. GB
About the Author
Maggie Arana is the co-author of Stop Calling Him Honey And Start Having Sex! A UCLA graduate in English Literature (summa cum laude), Maggie lives in the Mount Washington area of Los Angeles and is now in a very happy long-term relationship. You can contact her at maggie@maggiearana.com.
Be Your Assertive Self

Dont be afraid to stand up for your opinions. One of the things we learned in our research is that couples who kept their distinct personalities were most likely to have better sex, while couples who blended into one and never argued tended to never have sex. Wonder why that is? Its simple. We are attracted to someone who is a little different from us, who is unique. But if you become too engulfed in the relationship and take on all of his likes and dislikes, then what is there for him to be fascinated with? A little arguing, or playful banter, is good for sex so dont be afraid to be yourself.
No more Pookie
First and foremost. Get rid of those silly pet names! Or at the very least, try to call your partner by his/her name at least a few times a day. For instance, when you see him at the end of the day, say something like Mike, Ive really missed you today. (Now if you insert pookie instead of his name, see how its just a little bit unsexier?)
Cultivate Your Own Interests

Spend some time apart. Go to an art class once a week or go out with your friends. Its the couples who spend too much time together that eventually get bored with each other. So remember, just because youre in a relationship doesnt mean that your personal growth has to come to a halt. Keep exploring who you are. Sometimes we become too engulfed in a relationship and we forget to keep growing as a person. Weve all known couples who seem attached at the hip, but once they break up, they start doing things they never did the in the relationship going to the gym, taking dancing classes, learning a musical instrument. So dont wait to be single to blossom. When you blossom in a relationship you keep
Be Discreet
Reevaluate how much you see each other in the bathroom. If you never considered sitting on the toilet in the first month of your relationship, why are you doing it now? Just by changing a couple of bathroom habits can mean a big difference in the bedroom.
Talk Like Adults

Stop all of that silly baby talk! One thing we also learned after talking to couples is how common baby talk is especially for couples who have children. So dont speak in a little-bitty baby voice, unless youre talking to your baby. And
BONKERISM
Most of the time, youre only competing with your doubts. Who will win?
GB
Survivors Guilt
When Youve Lost a Loved One
By Carole Brody Fleet
Here we are, well into a brand New Year. This time of year seems to welcome the hope of endless possibilities and boundless potential. A clean slate. A fresh start. The opportunity to begin anew. However, beginning anew comes with leaving behind of the old. Well start by releasing all the negativity that can hold you back from happiness; from the peace that you deserve. Well start by leaving behind your guilt. Ah, the infliction of guilt. For many of us who have lost a loved one, its an art form perfected and practiced dutifully. I receive literally thousands of letters from people who have lost loved ones, and in addition to the tremendous and obvious sorrow expressed in each, surprisingly at the heart of many of these letters is guilt guilt that these people have no business shouldering. Perhaps you shoulder some too. There are many different kinds of guilt from which you might suffer, but the one commonly held belief is, I could have changed an outcome. I could have created a different result. This is simply not the case, and what a tremendous
burden you place on yourself by living with this belief. For example, if you are a suicide survivor, you may be convinced that you could have done something to prevent the situation from occurring that there were signs that you should have seen or steps that you should have taken or attention that you should have paid. Well, sometimes there just arent any clear signs. Sometimes there are no blatant clues given. You are not a mind reader or a super power. A person who commits suicide is deeply troubled, and the resulting action likely had little, if anything, to do with you. You want answers that you may never receive. You may never understand the thought processes that led a loved one to a tragically permanent decision. But youve made an important choice as well the choice to LIVE. The choice to move forward with your life. The choice to seek out support and positive reinforcement. Continue to move in that direction; free from any guilt that you may feel at being a survivor. If, as I was, you are a survivor after having endured and been caregiver during a loved one's extended illness, the thought process is generally something along the lines of,
If only Id taken better care of him/her Better than what? Better than the very best that you had to give? You did the very best that you could do. Taking care of your loved did not mean that you were going to be able to heal them. It meant that you were the one who made them comfortable and peaceful throughout the illness and no one can ask more of you than that, including you! Becoming widowed or the survivor after a loved one's short illness or accident seems to turn many of us into would-be superbeings. The times that Ive heard, If only I. are literally countless: If only I hadnt left to go to work (or the grocery store or to take the kids to school, etc.) If only Id gotten there sooner If only Id nagged harder about getting a physical If only I hadnt 'let' them." (as in race cars, ride a motorcycle, or participate in an activity that may have led to an accident). Believe me, I know this guilt. I DID this guilt. I was in the latter category; as in, If only I hadnt
let him go to the stable that day then he wouldnt have had the accident that might have triggered the illness that led to his death two and a half years later. The only problem was that I was a wife to my husband; not his mother, and it wasnt up to me to allow or disallow him to do anything (as if I could have!). We would all like to believe that we have that much control over destiny, and that we can prevent illness and death just by our very presence, and that we have the power within ourselves to change an outcome. The fact is that we simply dont have that kind of power. This fact must be combined with the reality that it is impossible to be with our loved ones 24 hours a day; keeping a watchful eye over them. It is impossible to forbid another adult from pursuing a hobby or getting into a car or traveling for business or from doing whatever it is that they wish to do for fun or need to do in the line of work. You must accept the fact that your presence (or lack thereof) did not affect the outcome that was a tragic loss. There are those that believe that they might have acted in such a way that they actually hastened a death perhaps with medical treatment, or the sort of medical treatment involved, or the decision to discontinue medical treatment altogether. Let me assure you at the outset that you did nothing to hasten your loved one's death it is illegal in all 50 states to do so and no member of the medical profession would permit it. It is time to leave the guilt behind. All of it. It is time for peace now you have earned it. It is time for
Bonkeroids
Bonk.er.oids \bonk-e-roidz\ n. amazing, but useless facts acquired through Going Bonkers Magazine
Whooping cranes are born with blue eyes that change to bright gold by the time they six months old. Eighty percent of 10 year old girls in the USA go on a diet. The name "Tonka" trucks was named after Lake Minnetonka located in Minnesota. Tonka means "great" in Sioux. The first Tupperware item marketed was the seven-ounce bathroom cup in 1945 Coupons were introduced in 1894 when Asa Candler bought the Coca-Cola formula for $2,300 and gave people coupons that he had written out to receive a free glass of coke. the healing to begin or continue, as you have earned that as well. It is time for you to live in the light and the knowledge that you are a wonderful, loving, supportive person and that you did everything possible for your loved one while they were here with you. Whatever circumstances took your beloved, you did the very best by them that you could at that moment in time. You must find comfort and peace in that knowledge. If guilt is something that you continue to struggle with, please share it with someone, a doctor, cleric or therapistand start a fresh road to healing. GB The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com. The name "Snickers" for the popular candy bar was named after a horse that the Mars family owned. In 1929, the Coca-Cola slogan was "The Pause That Refreshes." The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." Every single hamster in the United States today comes from a single litter captured in Syria in 1930. Jupiter is the fastest rotating planet, which can complete one revolution in less than ten hours.
About the Author
Carole Brody Fleet is the awardwinning author of the criticallyacclaimed, Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the Young Widow (New Horizon Press) and, I'm 'Heeling' One Day at a Time: The ULTIMATE Question, Answer and Reference Guide for Widows; as well as the author and executive producer of the best-selling CD entitled, Widows Wear Stilettos: What Now? Carole is featured on national, regional and local television and regularly appears as a guest expert on numerous radio programs nationally and internationally; as well as in national and international magazines, newspapers and websites. Contact Carole at WidowsWStilettos@aol.com. www.widowswearstilettos.com.
Stock Market Blues

How to Keep Your Spirits High When the Market Goes Down
By Nicki Blake
Is your stride missing a little extra bounce these days? Has that youthful glow you once saw in the mirror started to reflect a few more frown lines? A lot of people are reporting feeling somewhat down in the dumps, as of late, and many are uncertain as to why. Chances are this particular wave of melancholy has less to do with the process of aging, and more to do with the current state of our countrys economy. The condition of the countrys economy has as much impact on your psyche as something more personal, like the current state of your spouses mood, or the bad attitude you get from your kids, or how well you perform at work when youre feeling under the weather. While you may not think of yourself as having an intimate relationship with the economy, research indicates that it can influence you in the same manner as problems with a loved one can. When things are going great with those you love, you feel good, but when things are rocky and unpredictable you can feel pretty lousy. The truth is, when you turn on the evening news and hear reports pointing to an economic decline, it does more than just dampen your mood. The information you absorb influences the course of action your brain will take in response to what its just heard. This has a direct impact on
your physical health and can negatively affect your emotional and mental well being. While the conditions of the economy may be out of your direct control, there is some good news to report. There are some very real things you can do to ensue your mood remains stable, even when the stock market appears rocky. Most of your bodys reaction to the things happening around you are processed subconsciously, via your internal beliefs and thought patterns. Since we live in an era of multitasking, you arent always aware of the internal dialogue youre engaged in as you take in a news show, over hear a quick sound bite, or glance at a downward sloping graph in the business section of the paper. Without knowing it, you can easily slip into a state of grief and mourning but not realize this until more obvious symptoms of depression surface further on down the road. To prevent this from happening, or to boost an already declining mood, here are 4 simple strategies to help:
Keep a Balanced Focus

As with any form of bad news its better digested in small doses and when viewed in its full context. While the information you receive about the economy may be accurate and true, its still just one element of
your multidimensional world. To metabolize the information in such a way that you avoid experiencing heart burn, sleepless nights or increased anxiety about your future, be sure to expose yourself to the many positive things that are also taking place both in your own personal life as well as the world around you. There are still a lot of things worth celebrating and many wonderful experiences to be had.
Dont Let it Define You

Remember there is always more than one road to happiness. As a human being, you are a creature of habit. Youve found a way of navigating the world that feels comfortable, reliable and familiar to you. When you hear a report that tells you your money is at risk, or that your social security benefits might not be there when you need them, its only natural to get upset. But keep in mind its not money that brings happiness, its quality time spent with your loved ones, enjoying lifes simple pleasures and pursuing your unique passions that bring about true joy and happiness. Those things can still be accomplished, in any economic climate.
focused attention, you need to allow it time to do its job and feed it the right questions to answer. For example instead of saying to yourself, oh no! what am I going to do now? Phrase your thought in a positive and more progressive manner by asking whats another way of accomplishing my goal? This will engage your brains problem solving ability, as well as its continued release of serotonin which will maintain a positive mood while you patiently wait for your answer.
Stay in Control
Celebrate the reality that you have a lot more control over your destiny than you realize. No matter what you read today or hear on the news next week, dont allow anyone else to tell you what your life will look like tomorrow. When you perceive your external environment as being restrictive, your brain interprets
that information to mean that youre unable to grow. As a result, instead of cultivating new ideas and responding to life in a manner that leads to your success, it inadvertently sets off a process that prepares for the experience of loss. So, never assume the worst or stop pursuing your personal best. Take time to gain inspiration from the lives of individuals like Donald Trump, George Foreman, Milton Hershey, Thomas Edison, Abraham Lincoln, and many others who all faced their share of economic crisis and then went on to success. Adopting this attitude is free, encouraging and extremely therapeutic. GB
About the Author
Nicki Blake is a research writer and staff writer for Going Bonkers. Copyright Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved.
Look for Solutions

Find rest in the fact that your brain is a natural problem solving machine. There isnt a single problem that doesnt have a solution. While you may not know how youll accomplish the things you want to if money becomes tight, rest assured your brain is already actively at work figuring out how you can do just that. Even when you sleep, your brain takes no rest in solving the various dilemmas that cross your daily path. But in order to optimize its solution
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Im OK Youre Not OK
DEALING WITH THOSE ANNOYING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
By Bob Whipple, MBA, CPLP
When we vent about others, one fact becomes obvious: We have a long list of things that other people must do to improve, but a short list of things that we need to change in our own behavior. Its human nature to rationalize ones own shortcomings while focusing on the obvious improvement that others need to make. Since nearly everyone practices this little deception, the world must be rife with almost-perfect people who wish others around them would shape up. Hmmm...something is wrong with this picture... When living or working in close proximity, human beings have a remarkable ability to drive each other crazy. It does not matter if it is a spouse, a sibling, or an office mate. The phenomenon occurs daily for most of us. Here are 10 commonsense tips, that are not quite so common nowadays, that can change the pattern, and consequently, improve all of our relationships.
daily basis over little things that become habitual annoyances. It is not the 401K account that most couples argue about daily; it is who gets the remote control or why the toothpaste tube is always topless. If we can just remember that the small stuff is really just that, then maybe we can relax a bit.
while sitting at your desk - can you feel the bubbles going up your back? Imagining happier places has kept many POWs alive for years; the same technique can keep you sane until you can physically remove put some space between you and that annoying person.
Share a treat. Live and let live. If a cubicle mate hums when she is happy, there is no reason to have a coronary over it. It is her outlet and way to be cheerful. Even though it curdles your skin, why burst her balloon by pointing out her "problem"? If it is an unconscious habit, she will never be able to control it anyway. Buy a pair of noise-canceling head phones and play the kind of music you like. Let happy people be happy or miserable people be miserable. Focus your energy on creating your own sphere of cheerfulness rather than expecting the rest of the world to conform to your paradigms. Punch out early, dont punch out the person. Find
some way to get away from the petty squabbles before they bring you to the snapping point. If you cannot actually leave, just go for a little vacation in your mind. Actually imagine smelling the giant pines if you love to hike. Feel the frost on your cheeks if you like to ski. Relax in an imaginary hot tub
Just because someone drives you nuts by clipping his nails in the morning is no reason to hate him all day long. Find some symbolic olive branch, and waive it around. Go get two chocolate bars and give him one. Bring in a bag of his favorite coffee. When we change our body language, accentuating the positive, rather than festering about their problem, the other person will likely respond in kind. The reciprocal nature of trust says that you can improve people's trust in you by extending more trust to them. When we build a higher level of trust, the petty issues seem to melt away, because we are focused on what is good about the other person rather than idiosyncrasies that drive us bonkers. The best way to increase trust is to reinforce (rather than punish) people who are candid with us about our own shortcomings. To do this takes emotional intelligence, and it works wonders at improving relationships.
Extend trust.
Reverse the roles.
Before venting about another person, think about how that person would describe you to someone else. If you are honest with yourself, it might be a humbling exercise.
Dont sweat the small stuff.

Most married couples fight on a
Dont complain about others behind their back. The

old adage if you cannot say something nice about someone don't say anything at all, is good advice. When we gripe about others who are not present, a little of the venom always leaks out on us. If someone is doing something that really bothers you, simply tell the person directly about it, in a kind way.
How To Praise Effectively

1. Be specific. Vague praise doesn't make much of an impression. General praise sounds perfunctory and meaningless; specific praise seems heartfelt. 2. Never offer praise and ask for a favor within the same conversation. It makes the praise seem like a setup for whatever you're asking for. 3. Look for something less obvious to praise. Highlighting a quality that a person hasn't heard praised many times before shows that you're really paying attention, not just repeating what other people have said. 4. Praise people behind their backs. The person you're lauding usually hears about it, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise. Make an effort to repeat any behind-the-back compliments you hear. 5. Match the quality of the praise to the difficulty of the task. If a job was quick and easy, a hasty "Looks great!" will do; if Remember that life is short, and to expend an ounce of energy bickering and griping about others really wastes two of your most precious resources your time and emotional energy. It is much better to go through life laughing and loving than griping and hating. The good news is that we have a choice when it comes to the attitudes we show other people. Make sure your choice enriches others as well as yourself. GB
60
SEC ON
D
S it was proE L F tracted and challenging, be more lengthy and descriptive.
Stop acting like children.

The lengths people go to in order to strike back at others for annoying them often resembles a food fight in grade school. Escalating e-mail notes in a kind of grenade battle is a great example of this phenomenon. It is easy to avoid these squabbles by not taking the bait. When you go back and forth with another person more than three times, it is time to change the mode of communication. Pick up the phone or walk down the hall for a chat.
6. Remember the negativity bias. The "negativity bias" is a psychological phenomenon: People react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example, it takes at least five good acts or comments to repair the damage of one critical or destructive one. 7. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional. When people do something unusual, it's easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well all the time without any recognition? Point out how much you appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Praise is gratifying to the person getting praised, of course, but it also boosts the happiness of the praiser.
Care about the other person. If we care enough to not fuss

over little things, then we can tolerate inconveniences a lot better. What we get back from others is really a reflection of our own vibes. If we experience prickly and negative reactions from others, we need to check our attitude toward them. While it is convenient to blame others, often we are the root cause of the negativity: they are simply a mirror. The easiest way to care for others is to always follow the Golden Rule.
About the Author

Bob Whipple, MBA, CPLP, is a consultant, trainer, speaker, and author in the areas of leadership and trust. He is the author of: The Trust Factor: Advanced Leadership for Professionals, Understanding EBody Language: Building Trust Online, and Leading with Trust is Like Sailing Downwind. Bob has many years as a senior executive with a Fortune 500 company and with non-profit organizations. To bring Bob in to speak at your next event. You can contact him at bwhipple@leadergrow.com or call him at 585.392.7763 www.Leadergrow.com
Have your own development plan. Take inventory and

make a list of behaviors that you can improve within yourself. This mindset crowds out some of the rotten attitudes that can lead you to undermine other's actions. We all have improvement opportunities.
LOW-FAT LOVE 101 THE BAD BOY

By Patricia Leavy, Ph.D
Recently one of my girlfriends was complaining about her love-life when she said something that really struck me. She said, I have the worst luck with men. Usually friends would just respond sympathetically with statements like uh huh or yea, you do seem to be a loser magnet, or even in some cases, yeah, men are such jerks. However, in this instance I decided to be a better friend and say the truth: You arent unlucky; you make bad choices. After a very long pause my chatty friend, obviously shocked at my anything but standard response, replied: Well thats easy for you to say, your husband is great. I said, Youre right, he is, but it isnt luck. I used to make bad choices when it came to men. I made a conscious effort to make better, healthier choices. It isnt about luck. We dont have bad or good luck with men; we make our own luck. Now if youre thinking that I was being too hard on my friend, let me fill you in a bit. She has had a series of relationships that were doomed to fail because she always goes for the same type: the bad boy. You know the type: the narcissistic, commitment-phobic who makes you hope hell be there tomorrow
while perpetually fearing he wont. Hes the guy who has you sitting by the phone, all dressed up with nowhere to go, and disproportionately enamored by the smallest gesture. In short, the guy who makes us abandon our theoretical ideals and become our worst versions of ourselves. This was the guy, or more accurately parade of guys that my friend thought made her unlucky. And just for the record, I had my own such parade. I could relate. So, heres the hard but helpful truth. When were cycling in relationships that make us feel uneasy instead of secure, we need to jar ourselves into looking at how we got there. For starters, ask yourself if youre attracted to men who withhold their support? If so, that says far more about your sense of self than it does about any particular guy. Why are you attracted to someone who cant give you what you want? Where does that attraction come from? Why dont you think you deserve fulfillment? Is this a pattern, and if it is, how will you break it? Bear in mind that patterns are hard to break so dont expect change to come easily at first. Self-esteem is like a muscle and must be exercised daily. Each day you need to approach your relationship choices
consciously and with your own best interests at the center of your decision-making. Even if you have to force yourself, you can do it until making healthy choices becomes second nature. If youve been lazy about your own needs, there will be some aches and pains on the road to a healthy sense of self. When youre with someone who withholds, seeds of doubt are planted and reinforced, and in this sense, low self-esteem feeds low selfesteem. Healthy relationships are based on the principles of partnership, not power. So no one should be wondering where they stand; it should be crystal clear. The good news is that once we realize were not hopelessly doomed to date deadbeats, we can start to figure out what is really important, what we need in a partner, and how to get it. In short, we can learn to reject margarine masquerading as butter, and instead recognize that bad boys are a self-esteem no-no. Well never feel full if we settle for low-fat love. GB
About the Author
Patricia Leavy, PhD, is an acclaimed pop-feminist author and expert commentator as well as a leading qualitative and arts-based researcher. She is also the author of the new book, Low-Fat Love. For more information, please visit www.patricialeavy.com
Life Funny!
is
Stories so funny they must be true!
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' ~Submitted by Linda Hoyer After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to remover her makeup and wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" A little boy was diligently pounding away on his big brothers keyword. He told him he was writing a story. "What's it about?" the big brother asked. "I don't know," the little brother replied. "I can't read." ~Submitted by Sean McKinney We have many tourists who love to hike our mountains. When bears are sighted, its routine for our game warden to post notices. One recent notice read: I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, So how's your breakfast this morning? It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' ~Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf Warning to all hikers: Wear small bells on your boots so not to startle the grizzly bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear, please note that small bear droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bears droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and frequently contain small bells. ~Submitted by Mary Kensley ~Submitted by Jim Mayburn
I know Whats Best for You

HOW TO DEAL WITH A CONTROL FREAK
By Dr. Judith Orloff
Relationships can be empowering and fulfilling, or if youre dealing with a control freak, they can be a major sources of exhaustion. Thsee loved ones who are control freaks may obsessively try to dictate how you're supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything, and love to disagree at your peril. They'll try to control you by invalidating your emotions, especially if your emotions don't fit into their rulebook. Controllers often start sentences with, "You know what you need?" and then proceed to tell you. They'll sling shots like, "That guy is way out of your league" or "I'll have dinner with youll be in a good mood." People with low self-esteem who see themselves as "victims" attract controllers. Whether spouting unsolicited advice on how you can lose weight or using anger to put you in your place, their comments can range from irritating to abusive. What's most infuriating about these people is that they usually
don't see themselves as controlling; They see themselves as being right. Control freaks are often perfectionists. They may feel, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Controllers are also controlling with themselves. They may fanatically count carbs, become clean freaks or workaholics. Conventional psychiatry classifies extreme cases as obsessive compulsive disorder where people are rigidly preoccupied with details, rules, lists and dominating others at the expense of flexibility and openness. It's important to identify if you are dealing with a control freak, and then develop healthy strategies to communicate. QUIZ: AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CONTROLLER? Does this person keep claiming to know what's best for you? Do you typically have to do things his or her way?
Is he or she so domineering you feel suffocated? Do you feel like you're held prisoner to this person's rigid sense of order? Is this relationship no fun because it lacks spontaneity? If you answer "yes" to one to two questions, it's likely you're dealing with a controller. Responding "yes" to three or more questions suggests that a controller is violating our emotional freedom. You can use the following methods to deal with controllers.
PICK YOUR BATTLES AND ASSERT YOUR NEEDS Never try to control a controller. Speak up, but don't tell
them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Controllers are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high priority issues that you
really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.
tionship. Putting your foot down, or trying to control the controller, will only make work more stressful or get you fired. People who feel out of control tend to become controllers. Deep down, they're afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some controllers have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters a mask for their feelings of inadequacy and lack of inner power. When you mindfully deal with control freaks, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them. GB
About the Author

Judith Orloff, M.D. is the author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Freedom and Guide to Intuitive Healing upon which this article is based. Her other books are Positive Energy and Second Sight. Her work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, the Oprah Magazine and USA Today. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. An Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA, she passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. To inquire about her books, CDs and DVDs visit www.drjudithorloff.com.
Try the caring, direct approach.

Use this with good friends or others who are responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, "I appreciate your comments but I'd like to express my opinions too." The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion, and will gladly change.
Set limits. If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, "I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself." You may need to remind the controller several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don't expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits. Size up the situation. If your
boss is a controlling perfectionist, and you choose to stay, don't keep ruminating about what a rotten person he or she is, or expect them to change. Youll have to learn to operate with the reality you have. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you nondefensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you'll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, "I didn't say to do this. Please remove it," you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the rela-
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THE SELF-HELP MAGAZINE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

Zest for Life

The Clean Slate

Stop Calling Him Honey

Hitting the Wall

Letter from the Editor

C ARTOONISTS & I LLUSTRATORS

S INGLE C OPY S ALES

P RINTED B ACK I SSUES

Relationships & Family

Looking for Magic

Theyre looking for what theyre told is there!

The Rest of the Story

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Expand Your Vision

The Prison of the Prism

The Undoing of My Upbringing

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RELATIONSHIP FIX 101

Understand why youre hurt.

Know how to take care of yourself. It seems very logical that if

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Reach a mutual solution to the problem. If someone is very hurt,

Find a solution. Tell your partner

Have a forgiving ceremony.

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Opening the Door

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Tips for Approaching the Weight Talk

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And if you really cant get through Sometimes, despite

Dont be judgmental. Two things

Focus on change, even if you run into resistance. The purpose

Walk the walk. In the end, your

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Its Just Lust:

Its Love, Baby:

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You have great chemistry. You see a future together.

Listen to Your Gut

FORGIVING OUR PARENTS

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About the Author

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The Clean Slate

Wherever you go, there you are. I know, it seems ridiculously

We are only as sick as our secrets. Part of what held me back

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Hitting the Wall

Dont go it alone. We werent

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CHECKLIST FOR 50 THINGS to

9. Give up saying, I cant.

2. Give up comparing yourself to others. The only person you

10. Give up trying to be everything to everyone. Making one

4. Give up complaining. Take

11. Give up thinking youre not ready. Nobody ever feels

16. Give up making mountains out of molehills. One way to

5. Give up holding grudges.

6. Give up waiting. What are we