SEXUAL INTIMACY AND EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Michael F.

Shaughnessy* ABSTRACT This paper discusses emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, and examines the relationship between the two. While sexual intimacy is pervasive and physical, emotional intimacy is difficult to define, nebulous, and lacking. This paper discusses this dichotomy and suggests training in communication skills, self disclosure skills and interpersonal skills to enhance the quality of one's entire relationship with others. Salient research is reviewed and the literature critiqued.

Key Words Intimacy; Sexuality; Emotion. Many individuals are sexually intimate in several fashions. Indeed married couples and consenting others enjoy coitus, anal sex, oral sex, and other mutually pleasurable behaviors and intimacies. They are able to communicate about their physical sensations, their orgasms and desires. However, many couples are emotionally sterile and emotively impotent, and are incapable of communicating their feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams and aspirations. They are unable to discuss their pain, share their sorrow and voice their deepest, innermost thoughts. They are unable to be emotionally intimate with the person that they are physically the most sexually intimate. This complex, intricate dichotomy will be discussed in terms of identity, intimacy, self-disclosure and within a cultural context that places the physical over the psychological aspects of sexual intimacy. The emotional giving elements of coitus will be discussed from both a male and female perspective. The communicative problems of both men and women will also be discussed as to how they each contribute to a diminished emotional intimacy between individuals in marital and other relationships. Factors contributing to this scenario will be discussed and concerns resulting from this difficulty noted. The legitimacy and complexity of both male and female needs for sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy will be discussed. Modern society is faced with quite a formidable paradox. Never has so much information been available about sexual functioning, reproduction and reproductive organs while never has so little been known about the shared emotional intimacies, self-disclosure patterns and emotional sharing of couples. We are aware of AIDS, and sexually transmitted diseases, yet we know so little about miscommunication,

misunderstandings between lovers and interpersonal dysfunction. We have treatments for sexual dysfunctions, dysmenorrhea, impotence, anorgasmia and yet the emotional barriers between men and women and gay and lesbian lovers remain entrenched. Why are we so able to discuss orgasm and so unable to discuss our deepest feelings, emotions, dreams, hopes and aspirations? Why do we have such difficulty talking about the warmth, care and concern that we have for our significant others and have such little trouble talking about seduction, breasts, clitorises, vaginas and penises? Students are taught in high schools about reproductive organs and how to prevent pregnancy, yet they are not taught about how to communicate their feelings, nor how to prevent divorce. Condoms are available in bathrooms, but how to say "I love you" remains a mystery for some, and simple words for others, expressed to gain the sexual conquest or sexual favors they desire. This paper reviews the issues relative to sexual and emotional intimacy and discusses tangential concerns. Sexual intimacy is any physical touching or sexual behavior that may result in sexual arousal, orgasm, sexual gratification, or pleasure. Intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, fondling and other physical manipulations can be seen as sexual intimacy. People may be able to verbally communicate regarding their preferences, needs, desires and feelings in this area. Emotional intimacy is the sharing of emotional feelings, thoughts, and self-disclosure of one's innermost thoughts to one's mate or significant other via communicative, verbal means. Conversations, listening and communications of a private, personal nature can be seen as emotional intimacy. For some couples, both sexual and emotional intimacy is present in the relationship. On the other hand, a male and a prostitute can engage in sexual intimacy, but there may not be any emotional intimacy in this. In some marriages, there is much emotional sharing, self-disclosure and quality communication, but for whatever physical or medical reason, there may be no, or little sexual intimacy. Communication can be verbal or nonverbal attempts to make contact, or communicate with another person in an interpersonal relationship about sexual or emotional needs or feelings. This paper will discuss some of the barriers to emotional and sexual intimacy and cursorily review some of the main concerns and theorists in this realm. Viktor Frankl (1978) has indicated that: In the impersonal climate of industrial society even more people obviously suffer from a sense of lonelinessthe loneliness of the "lonely crowd." Understandably, the intense wish emerges to compensate for this lack of warmth to compensate for it with closeness. People cry for intimacy. And this cry for intimacy is so urgent that intimacy is sought at any expense, on any level, namely on the level of merely sensual intimacy. The cry for intimacy then is converted into the invitation "please touch". And from sensual intimacy, it is only one step to sexual promiscuity (p. 82). In simple terms, sexuality without an interpersonal relationship, without

emotionality, and without any feeling or concern for each other is simply a rote act void of meaning.

THE DEVELOPMENT OF SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL IMTIMACY In our culture, children and adolescents learn about sexual behavior at an early stage. They see it on television, in movies, on audio-visual tapes, and now on the Internet. Adolescent girls are taught about their approaching menstrual cycle but not about their ensuing feelings and how to deal with them. Boys are given condoms yet are not taught how to cope with their feelings of lust, sexual desire, and passion, nor how to function responsibly in an interpersonal relationship. Briefly, there is no discussion of feelings and emotions in a physical, sexually overloaded culture. In terms of social development, Erikson (1968) has postulated a series of stages. Individuals must pass through these stages and encounter a series of "crises" to traverse. In his theory, individuals must develop trust, autonomy, initiative, and their identity before they can move on to develop "Intimacy." Some theorists have questioned Erikson's model claiming that women develop intimacy before they develop their identity (Gilligan, 1982). It may also be that many adolescents never develop a strong sense of identity and in fact, there are a number of "identity statuses" that Marcia (1980) has discussed. For some adolescents, there may be a "moratorium" regarding their identity or some may defer the "identity crisis" until later in their lives. While these individuals are still "working through" their identity, they are still experiencing sexual feelings and are still engaging in sexually intimate relationships (if not emotionally intimate relationships). This is precisely why so many teenage marriages are doomed to failure. Adolescents may be physically ready for a sexual relationship, but not ready for an emotionally mature, intimate relationship. Many adolescents have difficulty with self disclosure. Some have trouble discussing their feelings and the effects that their significant other has on them. Some may be able to communicate their sexual wants, needs, and desires, but may not be able to discuss the feelings they experience when they see their loved one enter a room, or the care and concerns that their wife or mate may verbalize. There is a gross disparity and discrepancy between their sexual maturity (physiologically) and their emotional maturity (psychologically). This gap needs to be addressed, both empirically and theoretically. Little has been investigated in the literature. Erikson (1968) has indicated that: Sexual intimacies often preceed the capacity to develop a true and mutual psychosocial intimacy with another person, be it in friendship in erotic encounters or in joint inspiration. The youth who is not sure of his/her

identity shies away from interpersonal intimacy or throws him/herself into acts of intimacy which are promiscuous without true fusion or real self abandon (p. 135). In today's society, there is little preparation for interpersonal relationships or interpersonal intimacy. Social skills are often lacking, and individuals are rarely prepared for the situations and stress they will be confronted with after marriage. We must learn that the love of the courtship period will give way to a deeper, more lasting, more mature, and more intimate love.

SEXUAL COMMUNICATION Recently, there have been several books published concerning the communication patterns of men and women. Tannen (1990) and Gray (1993) have written on the different ways men and women frame and communicate their thoughts and feelings. Generalizations and stereotypes are fraught with peril, but in general, there do appear to be at least some differences in values, priorities, and communicative styles between men and women. Overall, men seem to be more "problem solvers" who attempt to rectify and remedy problems and difficulties. Women, on the other hand, talk more to solidify relationships and to "connect" with others. These differences may be due to socialization or values. Harley (1994) has written about the emotional needs of men and women and what results when those needs are not met. Harley believes that women have five basic emotional needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment. He goes on to indicate that the basic marital and emotional needs of men are sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship and a spouse, domestic support (peace and quiet) and admiration. He offers no empirical data for his posture, yet it is reasonable to assume that individuals do have emotional needs and priorities. While some may consider Harley somewhat sexist, many would consider him a realist. Whether these needs have been societally conditioned or genetically inherited, there do appear to be wants, needs and desires that both males and females want to get gratified. Individuals also enter marriages with the expectation that those needs will be met and fulfilled. When they are not met within the marriage, individuals often seek gratification outside of the marital union. Some affairs may offer sexual intimacy; others offer emotional support and the interpersonal intimacy that may be lacking. In other words, there is an unwritten, nonverbalized implicit contract between men and women that the "honeymoon" or the courting period will last forever, or that the personality of the person during the courtship period will remain stable for the next 5, 10, 15 or 20 years or that the personality of the loved one will remain the same during stress, trauma, and the strain of raising children. However, people change, and the personality of the individual may change

over time. We are all at our best during the job interview. We want the job. However, five years later, we view things from a different perspective. Sometimes individuals outgrow jobs and sometimes individuals outgrow each other, or their emotional needs change as they mature. Just as we should get a periodic health checkup, so too should we explore a marital or relationship checkup to prevent falling into a rut. However, little has been written about sexual communication patterns between men and women. In fact, sexual difficulties often stem from deficits in communication skills and abilities. Simply being able to say "No" seems to be difficult for many individuals. Being able to discuss fantasies and one's sexual desires is also difficult for some and results in negative feelings at times as indicated by Tannen (1990): Both women and men could benefit from learning each other's styles. Many women could learn from men to accept some conflict and differences without seeing it as a threat to intimacy and many men could learn from women to accept interdependence without seeing it as a threat to their freedom (p. 294).

Glass (1992) has indicated that: Most couples are inhibited about communicating with one another while making love. It is such a paradox that two people can be physically close, yet cannot bring themselves to talk about their physical closeness (p. 132).

She indicates that despite all of our knowledge and information, we are still "communicatively frigid" and "verbally impotent." These difficulties stem from the ways in which boys and girls are socialized. This results in problems in the business world, interpersonal relationships, and of course in the bedroom. Glass goes on to indicate that it is more than just what we say but also how we say it: our voice and speech patterns and our tonality, our body language and facial language. She discusses male/female differences impartially. In her discussion of male/female differences in the world of work, she takes women to task for "beating around the bush" and indicates that "in the job world, most people do not have time to spare" (p. 200) and obviously, time is money. She advises men to "be better listeners" and not to give orders. The problem is that many of these self-help books such as the ones by John Gray and Lillian Glass are not going to change society overnight, not will they help when couples reach an impasse. These "pop psychology" books are not based on empirical research or experimentation. On the other hand, there is precious little in this domain. In many scenarios, professional counseling and consultation with communication specialists is necessary. This may change men from their "report talk" to more "rapport talk" and may help women switch from "concern talk" to "career talk." Both men and women need to understand the importance of their various types of talk and when they are needed. The type of "talk" discussed by Glass and Gray is verbal. They also both tend to characterize all men and women as having interpersonal communication difficulties. They fail to indicate the vast

numbers of married couples who communicate well and relate both emotionally and sexually in a positive manner. As such, we have a biased view that the majority of individuals have intimacy and intimate problems. While there are some who have sexual intimacy problems, many do not. And perhaps there may be some who have emotional intimacy problems, but many do not. Lastly, there may be perfectly good marriages and unions where sexual/ emotional intimacy is not highly valued and regarded, and the people in that relationship are relatively happy and well adjusted. We also engage in self-talk and cognition. The next section addresses the need to examine and evaluate self-talk or cognition. COGNITIVE DISTORTION Aaron Beck (1988) has written cogently about the need for communication in relationships and states in the title of his book that "Love is never enough." This writer concurs. In order for a relationship to grow, there needs to be communication, compromise, negotiation and according to Beck, an examination of one's cognitions, automatic thoughts, defeatist beliefs and cognitive distortions. Some of these distortions include tunnel vision, selective abstraction, arbitrary inference, overgeneralization, polarized thinking, magnification, biased explanations, negative labeling, personalization, mindreading, and subjective reasoning (p. 124-130). These cognitive distortions (which we all have to some degree) interfere with optimal emotional and sexual communication and intimacy. Such thoughts are often not shared but fester in the minds of couples, ravaging their feelings and experiences. Because people are on different levels of communication, or have different skills in expressive language, there is often a mismatch of communicative skills. One person may be highly verbal and have command of subtle nuances of language, where another may have very limited verbal skills. One person may be emotionally very mature, the other somewhat immature, or lacking in self-esteem or confidence.

EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION Being able to share one's deepest, innermost, most private feelings is difficult for many individuals. Some have grown up in dysfunctional families and role models were not available to demonstrate the caring, warm, tender ways in which to share thoughts, and self-disclose their cares, concerns and issues. There appears to be a relationship between intimacy, self-disclosure and emotional health and personal growth (Shaughnessy, 1986). Some individuals lack the subtle nuances of language to be able to communicate their feelings. Others are afraid that if they do self-disclose, then the other person will think less of them as an individual (Barrell and

Jourard, 1976). There is another type of communication that is unrealized. We do not share, or we do not have the verbal skills and language to share our deepest feelings and emotions. And the pity is that when things go unsaid, they may remain unsaid forever. People have difficulty communicating their sexual wants, needs and desires. Individuals also have trouble talking about their deepest feelings, thoughts, and longings. Gray (1993) has indicated that men and women have different emotional needs, and probably have a great deal of difficulty communicating those needs. He indicates that women need to receive caring, devotion, reassurance, respect, validation and understanding (although not necessarily in that specific order!). Men on the other hand, seem to have different priorities in the emotional domain. Gray suggests that men need to receive acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement and trust. For most men, if they can receive the first four, they may be willing to forsake the last two, or the last two may come as a by product of the first four. This writer feels that of the first four priorities for men, appreciation is the most necessary. In general, men are the proverbial "breadwinners" and still, unfortunately, see themselves in that role of provider and are socialized into that role. Thus, their deepest need may be for appreciation for what they do at work, and perhaps more importantly, what they do at home. While sexual needs are important, emotional needs and communicative needs are also critical areas of concern. How to express these needs in a mature, adult-like fashion is imperative for many individuals. Just because one procures a driver's license does not mean one can drive in a safe, responsible fashion. Just because one can procure a marriage license does not mean that both partners are able to communicate adequately in both the emotional and sexual realms. Cognitive Splitting Wadsworth (1992) has discussed the concept of "cognitive splitting" to refer to the interpersonal problems that are encountered between men and women. She posits that, often, men and women are not "emotionally present" for the other "when it counts". Often, men are not emotionally available for women when they need a feeling or emotive response, and women are psychologically unavailable for men when they are encountering difficulty. This "psychological unavailability" may stem from several sources. Some men simply cannot deal with, or find it difficult to cope with, the emotional needs and demands of others. Some males may simply have interpersonal voids and a skill deficit in the interpersonal realm. Women, on the other hand, may lack assertiveness skills or may have been socialized to defer to men. Others have been emotionally or physically abused in childhood, and have been traumatized to such an extent that they are incapable of verbalizing their wants, needs and

desires. Gardner (1983) has discussed the realm of interpersonal intelligence as well as intra-personal intelligence. Dealing with other people is a major skill that many do not always master nor have success with. Shaughnessy (1988) has written on the importance of knowing one's interpersonal skills as well as knowing oneself (the intra-personal realm). People who do not recognize their interpersonal weaknesses or lack interpersonal skills may have difficulty in a marital or highly emotional/sexual relationship. Some individuals devote too much time or overinvest in one specific domain, thus neglecting others. For example, many men devote entirely too much time, energy and effort to their work and neglect their wives and families. It will take a long time to change their values and priorities. Women, on the other hand, may spend an inordinate amount of time on certain of their priorities when that time could more beneficially be devoted elsewhere. However, both of these statements are value laden. What men and women consider to be of value is often in direct contradiction. Herein lies some of the problem in terms of communication.

Lazarus (1976) in his conception of Multimodal Therapy holds a different perspective. He believes that we can assess individuals across several different modalities: Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Imagery, Cognition, Interpersonal relations and Drugs. Using the first letter of the aforementioned areas, we have a convenient mnemonic to review the various domains of human existence: "BASIC ID". Lazarus discusses a "firing order" of individuals. Some people think first (Cognition), then behave (Behavior), then later feel (Affect). Others may feel first (Affect), experience sensations (Sensate), and then seek out someone to relate to in an interpersonal manner. In a marital situation, one needs to be sensitive to the spouse's "firing order" and in particular, their primary response mode. If one person is a highly cognitive individual who places great emphasis on logic, reason, and rationality, and the other is a very emotional person who "feels" first and foremost, the relationship may be somewhat tenuous, unless one of the two can make an adjustment or recognize the partner's first response mode. In highly charged emotional situations, many men feel impotent in terms of dealing with the feelings and emotions of their wives and significant others. It is at the time of most need that some men are the most incompetent interpersonally. Unless men receive some type of resocialization and begin to understand the emotional needs and affective patterns of women, it is probable that the divorce rate will continue to climb. On the other hand, until women begin to understand the automatic triggers and automatic thoughts that take place in the "minds of men", there will continue to be friction, tension, anxiety, and divorce. Both men and women need to understand the emotional, sexual, and intimacy needs of each other. And society, too, needs to recognize the family unit as being of importance to society.

Lazarus (1988) has further investigated the problem of incompatible sexual desire. Often, couples may initially share the same desire for sexual intimacy. As people age, their desire and drive for sexual intimacy may either increase or diminish. This may lead to communication and emotional intimacy problems. Some couples display "subtle (or blatant) internecine power struggles, encrusted hostility, gross incompatibility, malignant distrust, or extreme demandingness" (p.166). Obviously, in some cases, clinical intervention is indicated, and we must accept the fact that at times, people will marry for various reasons, and find themselves embroiled in a noxious, toxic situation. Physical, sexual, and emotionally abusing marriages cannot be tolerated, as death may be the final, unacceptable solution. Women, as well as men, need to recognize when the pathology is serious and needs to be rectified, or when a divorce is imperative for both the mental health, but also the physical health of both parties. Harley (1994) has indicated that Our society's failure to train people in meeting the needs of others especially the needs of a marriage partnerhas caused much of our high divorce rate... as long as we fail to see marriage as a complex relationship that requires special training and abiltities to meet the needs of a member of the opposite sex, we will continue to see a discouraging and devastating divorce rate (p. 182).

In general, people withdraw from those who nag, criticise, condemn, and complain. On the other hand, we tend to be attracted to warm, nurturing personalities that make us feel appreciated. We must somehow insure that individuals in our society are able to communicate emotionally and sexually in order to stem the divorce rate and to enhance interpersonal functioning. BARRIERS TO EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL IMTIMACY It is perhaps easier to understand the barriers and roadblocks to true intimacy than to rectify those deficits. There may be an inordinately rigid communicative style on the part of one of the partners in a relationship. Both partners may lack the ability to ask for what they want sexually, emotionally and to indicate what they need psychologically. While men like to be appreciated and respected, it is very difficult to say "I want respect". Men need to be taught to communicate the specific behavioral responses they want or even be taught how to model the verbal statements needed. Smalley and Trent (1988) have tried to provide a way for individuals to communicate with "word pictures". Their book provides a way to communicate in a more intimate, if not different manner. Other barriers to intimacy are more common and easily understood. Stress is a major factor in relationships. We live in a stress-filled society with many unrealistic expectations imposed on us by supervisors and others. Money

is a secondary concern and several books have recently been written on the problems that money (or the lack thereof) causes in relationships. Men and women deal with money differently, spend (or save) it differently and have very different values regarding it. In general, it is fraught with peril to make generalizations, but suffice it to say that there are struggles about finances. Stress and money problems and concerns "overflow" into the emotional and sexual realm. Men and women seem to differ regarding time, personal relationships, space, material objects, clothing, feelings about work, and myriad other concerns. All people, it is safe to say, differ regarding values and priorities. However, major disagreements regarding these things can cause difficulties in relationships. EXPECTATIONS: VERBALIZED, NON-VERBALIZED, UNREALISTIC AND SELF IMPOSED In relationships, we bring massive amounts of expectations that we expect the other person to fulfill. Some expectations are verbalized and some individuals even go so far as to write them down in a pre-nuptual agreement. Some people have unrealistic expectations of their spouse that they will remain as thoughtful, charming, kind, considerate, courteous and sensitive as they were during the courtship period. As we are human, and we sometimes fatigue, tire, and get older, it is often difficult to maintain the same level of energy as we did during the courtship period. Some individuals have their own set of expectations that may be self-imposed. They set lofty goals and wishes for themselves (and sometimes for their mate) and thus set themselves up for failure. Often people have difficulty discussing their expectations for themselves and for others. These expectations may involve sexual desires and plans for the future, or plans for a quiet, calm, stress free life. In marital situations, individuals must carefully assess and evaluate their expectations (whether they are realistic or not and whether they have been verbalized or not). Prior to marriage, many religions suggest pre-marital counseling. The couple meet with a priest or minister to prepare them for a marriage that may last until "death do you part". The pre-marital counseling may involve money, child rearing practices, and ignore coping with stress and disagreements. It is difficult to predict which couples will have later communication difficulties. In terms of recommendations, we need to have not only sex education, but interpersonal and emotional education. Males and females need to understand each other, their values and priorities. We need to teach not only about sexual intercourse, but also emotional intimacy. We need to teach coping skills as well as pregnancy prevention skills. Compromise and negotiation skills are as necessary as computer literacy skills. SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS This paper has attempted to discuss two very important areas of human relationships-emotional and sexual intimacy and some of the difficulties men and women have in these areas. As we approach the year 2000, we may be able to solve many of the "battles between the sexes" that have been raging for years. The question as to why we can be sexually and

physically intimate, and yet not emotionally and psychologically intimate needs to be more clearly articulated and researched in the future.