Houston!

We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

I wish I was here standing to bring you good news, but Houston, we really have a problem. How many of you know of young men and women who just got married within the past two years and are no longer married? It is a significant number. How many of you know people who were just engaged and decided to break it off? Thats a very significant number. What is going on in the community? Every time we hear about an engagement, we get so excited and announce it everywhere, but a few months later you hear that they are still available and it just didnt work out. When you hear about young men and women getting married and spending a few months together and then divorcing, it is something that needs to be discussed. We have to understand what is going on with our youth. If the trend continues the way it is today, the institution of marriage and the Muslim community in America is in danger. Im speaking from experience as a counselor. I sit with men and women before they get married and coach them in every step of their marriage. Things go on towards a disaster that cant be stopped. This is a problem not just amongst the youth but also the elders. When youth get engaged, parents and the children have issues. Sometimes it is the entire community even if you dont have children at that age. As a member of the masjid and Muslim community, you are a part of this problem and are responsible for it and to bring a solution to the problem. I wish, wallhi, I can bring you good news in this regard, but the reality speaks otherwise. In this short talk, Im going to share with you some of the findings I have been discovering through workshops and counseling. A few issues repeat themselves over and over again. I collected many things I have seen in new trends among the youth. Ive collected ten problems that cause damage in the institute of marriage in the Muslim community. Disclaimer: I dont claim to have a solution to all of them. It is beyond me as an individual and speaker. It needs to be solved from the bottom up. It is a big and serious issue and one individual cant solve the problem. We need to start by at least bringing awareness. This lecture will bring awareness to the topic on why our young men and women cannot sustain a relationship. Why cant they stay engaged? Why cant they stay married longer than two years? First of all, let me give you a general profile of the two people we are talking about. Young Ahmed is very intelligent and young in his early 20s and a professional in his career. He may be getting a graduate degree or is already working as a professional. He comes from a very good, wealthy family. Ahmed has a very good background of upbringing. Maybe he grew up in the masjid and is regular in the masjid. Ahmed has never been around the opposite gender very often and his first exposure was in college. It was awkward, so he told his family he wanted to get married. His family tells him to

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

wait until he finishes school, or they tell him to finish his graduate degree and get a job and buy a house and a car so then he would end up in his 40s or 50s. The other part of the story is Aisha. She is very intelligent. She went to Islamic school her entire life. Wears hijab and abyah. She has never been exposed closely to the opposite gender until college. Her family thought the Islamic education would be sufficient for her to know right from wrong when in college, but she is under a lot of peer pressure in her new environment. She sees Ahmed who is the most religious amongst the youth and is interested in him. She tells her family she wants to get married. She is only 19 years old. This is just one profile out of many. Overall, they all share the same experience. Here are ten problems I have seen happening among the youth. 1. Ahmed is very spoiled. When he reached middle school, his families wanted to make sure he was a GT student and excelled in school. They sent him to every program they could afford. He went to the best schools and college. When he reached college, most of the average kids in college worked part time to support themselves for spare cash and gas. Ahmed, begin from a family of xyz, had a special status and his family refused to allow him to work and told him to focus on his school. Through this time, his expenses are covered by his parents. Many boys in medical school are driving their dream car, which they got from their parents. They do well academically but have poor life skills. They were too busy focusing on school. When they get married, they think of their wives as another roommate. They dont know how to handle a wife. Their experience with women may have just been with a sister, and with siblings it is very different. They havent seen enough interactions. They have no reference in their life. If things dont go their way, they will break up and go their own ways. In this scenario, they are forced to delay their maturity by society, culture of the community, their parents. 2. Aisha is paranoid. She is very afraid when it comes to marriage for many reasons. Many sisters say they are afraid because of bad experiences in the community. For example, a wonderful sister was married to the brother who would call adhn in the masjid, and they divorced. Her parents tell her to finish her school first. When she is in her second or third year of college, someone proposes and they say no. The number one reason sisters delay marriage is parents. What is the reason the parents suggest they delay the marriage? The number one reason is for education. There is no problem finishing the education, but it bothers me when I ask these girls why their parents asked them to finish school first. The majority of girls who say education was the

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

motivation for their parents say their parents want them to have a safety net, meaning just in case. If something happens, then alamdulillh you have solid grounds. Do you know what this does? It gives the daughter an exit door. The moment the relationship gets difficult, they have their education and leave. There is no motivation to stay together. Education is an exit door from a relationship. When the come into a relationship, they are already paranoid. Many girls come into a relationship with the expectation of divorce, even if it is just 10% or 20%. I warn parents and girls about this. Dont teach them to go to school just for a safety net. Instead, teach them to go to school so that they are well-educated and can improve their lifestyle and achieve great things in life. If you hammer them with this, then they will have a bad taste when it comes to knowledge and marriage. Many dont even have an interest then in education. 3. Wrong vocabulary. What does this mean? If you ask anyone what they want in a prospective spouse, what do they say? I want someone who is religious. These words are a slogan. What do you mean by religious? How religious? There is misusage of this vocabulary. When it comes to religious, there are different standards. Someone religious to you may be liberal to another person or ultra conservative to another. Everyone who wants to marry someone is looking for someone a little more religious than they are. Does anyone want to marry someone less religious than them? Why are they looking for someone more religious than they are? To wake them up for altl-fajr. They want someone to help them with their dn and to wake up for qiyml-layl. You need to wake up from this dream. If a person is at one level and you are below them, why would you expect that person to be looking below their level? That person would also be looking for someone above them. Be realistic. Look for someone who is your level, a little less or a little higher. If you have a spiritual failure, it is your problem between you and Allh, and you need to fix it before you get married. Dont throw your spiritual failure on someone else in the relationship. It is your personal relationship with Allh. It is dangerous to marry someone who is much more religious because no matter how much you try to catch up, they are not going to wait for you, so it will be liability. Therefore, you will never do enough. The girl gets stressed out if her husband always criticizes her. The husband gets stressed out because he never does enough for his wife. SubnAllh, there is a new trend in the community these days. Those who grow up being religious get to the point where they are so frustrated that they think being religious is the barrier because there arent many religious people in the community. The hijab becomes a barrier and they take it off hoping it will remove the barrier and can get married. But who will they be attracting? Wallhi this is very dangerous.

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

Similarly, guys hang out with the wrong crowd hoping they can catch someone. They fall into the trap of dealing with people not to their standard. Once they go that route, they may never be able to turn back. 4. The fantasy wedding and Prince Charming. The moment a girl gets engaged, it goes on Facebook. She builds her fantasy around this. They make many different parties in different cities. Who can afford all of this? It becomes a liability. The fantasy wedding puts so much pressure on people. What is wrong with getting married in the masjid? What more barakah do you want than this? The investment puts so much pressure on the families. 5. Starting a relationship with a huge debt. Many young men and women start their marriage with a huge debt and owe both sets of parents. They are already in debt not only financially but emotionally and morally. This is why parents interfere so much in the relationship. I paid this for you and that for you. This is the house of my son. Because of all the money invested in the relationship, every individual feels he can say something about how the relationship goes. It puts so much pressure, and then in the eyes of the wife the husband is incompetent. The Sunnah of the Prophet (allallhu alayhi wa sallam) was very simple. The Prophet (allallhu alayhi wa sallam) said, The less the mahar, the more the blessing in the relationship. The more the mahar, the more stress you get with it and the more headaches. Take it easy and make it very simple. Get the blessings of Allh more than the blessings of checks. One of the biggest problems in relationships is that our young men, due to watching so much television and reading magazines, have been taught to act against their natural ways as men. They have been girlified. They act completely against their nature as men because that is what the TV shows them. You teach your kids that they have toys together and share. Sharing is caring. Contemporary studies say that it is not always healthy to do this. Why? You teach your child to feel oppressed in the long run. You should teach them to play with it for 10 minutes and then give it to someone else. His personal need is filled and then he shares it. We teach the wrong values. Men are taught wrong values and dont act like men. In counseling, Ive seen problems. A lady complained about her husband, and I realized that he was acting in good faith trying to be so gentle and kind, but it was beyond the limit the wife comprehended. The husband told me she is always in bed, and he brings her breakfast in bed. One day he brings her the food while she is in bed, and she didnt like the eggs. In response to his courtesy, she flipped the entire tray on him and dropped the food on the floor and said You know I dont like the eggs like this! I

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

asked him what he did, and he said nothing. He cleaned the ground. He taught his wife a wrong value. As a result of this behavior and being overly nice Im not saying be rude. The woman eventually left to a shelter. Women do not want a weak man. They want a man who is decisive and a man who acts like a man. Be firm in your language, not abusive or violent. Many women want to marry Prince Charming who is portrayed as a handsome guy who doesnt show masculinity, but this is not the real world. Men act differently than women. 6. Interracial marriages. As Muslims, we brag that we are people of justice and have no racism. Islam came to kill these things. In reality, we do have this issue unfortunately. We dont go by qualities of people as much as background. So many people cry to me to help them because she is an Arab and he is Pakistani and her father says no. Even among the Arabs themselves there is racism. Someone from Egypt will not accept someone from Syria or Palestine. If you have a convert brother coming to approach you for your daughter, and there is a big problem. Kids grow up in this country color blind, and they dont see these colors. They see only one color: that they are Muslims. They see manners and akhlq. They dont see these imagined cultural boundaries we draw around ourselves. When it comes to interracial marriages, it is a serious problem. The parents want their children to find someone in the culture, but what culture are they talking about? In reality they are trying to match themselves. The parents say: how do you want me to communicate with her family? What is the problem? You will not be living with them forever. You will be visiting them occasionally. They will be happy and may be compatible. Interracial marriages happen easily in one of three occasions: 1) The community is very well integrated. You see this on Eid parties and masjid picnics. If the groups mix together, then it is a well-integrated community. If they gather along cultural lines, then there is still a problem. 2) Both children live away from their parents. Both parents dont have the stress of cultural obligations. 3) Someone marries a convert. They dont come with cultural baggage. They are free of all the biases and are easygoing. We have to accept that our kids have their own Muslim American culture. 7. Ultra conservative culture versus ultra liberal culture. Some families make so many regulations in their house that their kids are not exposed to the fitna. The moment they enter the real world, they have a big problem. I dealt with a case where the children grew up in a very religious family and grew up in the masjid. The moment they went to college, one of them became really bad.

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

The kids were never given chances and opportunities to explore the world in real time. The moment they enter the world, they cant handle the pressure. In another example, a father came to me and asked for help. He said his son had never gotten into trouble, but as soon as he went into college, he had a problem. Umar b. Al-Khab (rayAllhu anhu) said, The knots of Islam are about to be untied one after the other. There will come a generation who grows up in Islam and knows nothing about jhiliyyah. They dont know what is wrong and are not prepared for it. They only know what is right. One problem our children have is when they are taught to never speak to someone of the opposite gender and so on. Have you ever told them how to handle a situation? When you go into an elevator and it is just you and a woman in the elevator, what do you do? Similarly, girls are never exposed and then when they go to college, they are not prepared for situations. We always teach them that which is right, but we never teach them how to deal with problems. They are under so much pressure that they break down and cant handle it. 8. MSA Syndrome. MSA provides an amazing environment for young boys and girls; however, sometimes the kids forget the purpose of the gatherings and meetings and tend to become too social. They become too friendly, and thats when things start happening. They lose focus. They become too mixed together, and there is no purpose of dawah. They became too relaxed. Once they start getting to know each other, they become very casual with each other. Because of this close relationship, they will act like siblings. Because of this, they are less likely to marry each other. Ive seen this like a trend. Why does someone from Houston go to the West coast to marry? There are so many girls from the community who are similar, but he knows too much about them. They say there is a lack of decent proposals from their community, as if there is no one around them. This is the MSA Syndrome. They become too close to each other and lose interest in each other. Why? They want to keep the element of surprise. If girls and boys want to marry someone from the same chapter of the MSA, you dont have to lay out all of your cards during school. Keep distance and a level of maturity and respect. Keep a level of professionalism when dealing with each other. You dont have to be casual when dealing with them. 9. No venues. It is not one mans solution but an entire community. The community needs to accept the fact that the tradition of waiting for someone to knock on your door for the culture is not here anymore. We should be active in helping the youth. Most people get worried that if it goes bad, then it will come back to them. If you can help people, you really should try.

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

10. Pre-arranged marriages. No venues, no help, no resources. Parents go and prepare the marriage. Many of these situations happen because the parents have the power of sponsoring the childrens school and threaten to cut them off. They put so much emotional pressure on their children. What if the child doesnt like the other person? They say love is going to come afterwards. Can you guarantee this? Look at what is happening in the community today. Give the children the chance to choose. It is their aqq and right. Forced marriages are not accepted in Islam. This is parents forcing children to accept by different forms of pressure. They put financial or emotional pressure. This is not acceptable and is haram. Another form of pre-arranged marriage, which is acceptable, is introducing people to each other. If the child doesnt want to marry someone from that culture, then they just say it and it is fine. You never know if they will like each other after meeting each other. How many relationships do we know of where young men and women get married and after a few months they divorce? Why? Because at least one of them did it by force and had someone else in their mind. Why didnt they speak up? They say they couldnt. Parents need to take it easy. Children need to realize that parents arent always wrong. Another problem amongst the youth is immaturity when it comes to marriage. A girl is in her first year of college and wants to get married, so she goes to her parents. How old is he? He is also 19 years old. How is he going to sustain his life afterwards? Take it easy. Dont get engaged and wait four years. Four years will make you a completely different person in experience, akhlq, goals in life and all kinds of things. You will not be the same person, and there is no guarantee youll marry the same person you chose four years ago. Why hurt everyone when you know you might change? If you are going to finish school, then put your mind on that and then focus on marriage. Many kids say they are ready for marriage, but they dont know what it means. She is not just a roommate but a wife. The girl thinks that she is ready, and she might be, but being prepared from marriage is a huge responsibility. Dont fantasize about marriage. You have to play by the rules of marriage, and these rules are universal. What should we do? I suggest these things: 1. The young men and women have to undergo a very serious premarital training. You may say you dont think they need it. I tried doing a marital training program, and we always had problems with the guys because of their ego. They

Houston! We Have a Problem Shaykh Yaser Birjas

think they dont need help. If you admit that you can learn something new, then it is a new fat and a mental conquest. You can learn so much just by accepting the idea that you are willing to learn. 2. Parents need to undergo a training parallel to their children about the crisis of marriage amongst youth in America. Parents need to know their obligation towards their children. The older generation is full of experience and can teach us in one statement what we read in volumes because they have been through it. Give preference in listening to them. Parents need to make sure they train their children for their time. Teach / train your children to live their time because they were born for a time different than yours. Teach your children to live and survive the calamities of their time and not your time. What worked for you may not work for them. Always remember that. Accept that their time and challenges are different. Im keeping this open-ended because it requires a lot of communication and discussion. Brothers and sisters in the community need to get together to discuss this.

Q&A After the two prospects have gotten through the basic questions, should they still communicate? Should their be a level of comfort before getting married? When Jabir came to the Prophet (allallhu alayhi wa sallam) and said he was proposing to a woman, the Prophet (allallhu alayhi wa sallam) told him to go and see her. If you have additional questions, you need to ask until you reach your comfort zone. If they are supervised, alamdulillh. If it is a phone call, it is preferable for the phone calls to happen while at home in the living room where you are more careful about what you say. Is marrying at a young age a bad problem? It is not if the means and circumstances permit and allow. People in America marry at 19, 20, 21, but alamdulillh they have everything prepared and can finish school easily and are very mature. Marry someone your level so that you can grow together. When you marry someone much higher or lower, then it becomes a huge liability.