What Makes a Happy Relationship?

by JONATHAN

Why are some couples happier than others? What is the secret for a great relationship? With certain couples it is clear there is something about the way they interact that makes it obvious they have a unique and genuine connection. Even if youre in a good relationship, you cant help but wonder: What do they know that I dont? And if youre single, you might look at these couples and attribute it all to chemistry or destiny. But it turns out that people in great relationships live by a few basic rules and they make these rules a priority in their day-to-day lives together. Consider these habits that can help you create a strong, nurturing relationship. * Happy relationships are based on realistic expectations * Happy relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day * Happy relationships need communication know-how * Happy relationships turn negatives into positives Happy relationships are based on realistic expectations Forget what you see in the movies or on television. In other words, real relationships arent anything like what you see in the movies full of non-stop romance, candlelight dinners and whirlwind trips to exotic locations. Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. Great relationships just dont happen because two people love each very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship day after day.

Couples in healthy and positive relationships have a fundamental understanding of the proper and appropriate expectations for a stable and long-lastingrelationship. They understand that not all days will be full or passion and romance. Similarly, they understand that rough spots in a relationship may only be temporary if good communication is present to work through these times. A good way to look at this is to consider not getting too excited with the very high highs or too concerned with the very low lows. Both are momentary at best, and will not define the true nature and scope of the relationship over a long period of time. By reframing these extremes, you will be left with the right measure of balance and the right set of expectations to build a quality and sustainable relationship for many years to come. Happy relationships take daily work and thoughtfulness People who are in successful relationships work on these partnerships regularly. They dont just set their life on cruise control expecting things to be great all of the time. Ask yourself, What can I do today to make my partners life better? Little bits of effort every day will accumulate over time and make a big difference. Think of small, specific ways to make your relationship better whether its picking up your loved ones dry cleaning, telling your partner that youre proud of him or her, or taking over a task he or she really doesnt like to do. You should make an effort every day to deposit at least one act of thoughtfulness into your relationships bank account. Your goal, however, should not be to make a huge withdrawal at the end of the week. Your only goal should be to keep giving the things your mate wants either his or her expressed and unexpressed wants. If there are actions you can take to make your partners day more convenient and less stressful, then do them. But, again, dont do them for what you could gain by providing them. Happy relationships need communication know-how It may look as if people in great relationships intuitively know what their partners need. But the truth is, no one is a mind-reader so dont expect your partner to be able to figure out how youre feeling. When things arent perfectly in sync, couples in this kind of relationship know how to communicate. They know that instead of giving their partner a laundry list of what he or she is doing wrong, they can be specific about what it is that they want. They also make an effort to discover what their partners needs are. The best way for most people to do this is talk about it.

Ask your partner what things are really important to him or her. Does he want to know youre proud of him? Does she need to be able to express her sadness over a family or work-related situation without hearing how she ought to handle it? Too often we get into the habit of coaching and not listening. The best way to let your partner know you are listening is to ask how she or he feels about the situation. Once they begin sharing, your job is simply to shut-up and listen. Offer acknowledgments and affirmations from time-to-time to demonstrate you are engaged with what is being said. Only give your opinion or advice if asked. Happy relationships turn negatives into positives You may have heard the expression: When you are given lemons make lemonade. Overtime, relationships are handed several lemons. The sources for negative feelings and unbalance are numerous. Some are directly caused between both people because of poor or missing communication. Indirect sources of anxiety in a relationship can be work- related or financially based. When the interpersonal aspect of the relationship is creating the negativity, consider this simple exercise. First, you and your partner must be open to honest feedback. Next, ask your partner this question: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our relationship (keep in mind the word relationship can be substituted for intimacy; support of one another, etc.) Allow your partner time to reflect and provide an honest reply. If the answer is Seven, ask this follow-up question: What are three things I can do to get our relationship to a ten (if the answer is six, you would ask for four things, etc.)? Again, give your partner time to consider their response. It may be hard to listen, because the answers may sound critical and negative. But really, the answers are solutions to turn the negatives into positives. There is one more critical part of this exercise. After your partner is finished and you have taken in and acknowledged the areas for improvement, ask this question: What are three (or whatever the number needs to be) things you can do to get our relationship to a ten? By asking this follow-up question, its putting the relationship back on equal footing and back into the spirit of a true partnership. Except for certain extreme and unfortunate examples, most relationships are successful, or not successful, because of the contributions and efforts of both. Take an honest look at how you are

contributing to any negative circumstances, but also be aware it does take two to make it work and to create a more positive and healthy relationship. When lemons drop from the trees, but you and your partner were expecting apples, begin to make lemonade by creating an action list of what you both can do to get apples next time. 11 Ways to Decrease Relationship Stress by JONATHAN

Stress has an insidious way of undermining every aspect of our health and happiness. Nowhere is this more obvious then in our closest and most valued relationships. Have the anxieties and pressures of daily life or a constricting economy begun to seep into your home life? When we are stressed out, we need to feel that our home is a safe haven where we can find relief and comfort. A happy relationship can make all the difference during challenging times. Sadly, more and more couples are experiencing the divisive influence of outside stress in their relationship with their mate. Growing closer while facing challenges Are there steps we can take to protect the happiness of our relationship during trying times? When the pressure rises, is there some way for couples to actually draw closer rather than allowing their relationship to be torn apart? Handled correctly, challenging experiences can actually bring couples closer together. This is not to say that they will be immune to the stress. What it means is

that working together and facing their challenges as a unified partnership can deepen their bond and add new depth to their relationship. 11 ways to decrease relationship stress 1. Avoid making negative assumptions. If something happens that you have no control over, dont make things worse by assuming the worst. If someone loses their job it doesnt help to conclude that you will also lose your home and everything you have worked for. Instead of focusing on the negative possibilities, sit down with your mate and discuss possible solutions. If you work together in a creative way you may be able to turn this challenge into an opportunity. This is the time to let your partnership shine. 2. Dont be critical or assign blame. The blame game is very destructive to a relationship and it never contributes to unity. The goal here is to draw closer as a couple, not to alienate your best friend and life partner. The same goes for being critical of one another, all that will do is divide the relationship. Lets face it, sometimes bad things happen, thats just the way life is. Looking at each challenge as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship bond will help you avoid the temptation to blame your mate. 3. Acknowledge your partners concerns. If something goes wrong and we feel responsible, it is easy to turn defensive when our partner expresses their concerns. Rather that turning it into a confrontation by defending ourselves, we need to put our egos aside and acknowledge their concerns with an understanding heart. If we are truly partners then we are in it together. That means we probably have similar concerns that we need to work on in a spirit of cooperation. 4. Respond rather than react. The difference between a response and a reaction has to do with the amount and type of emotion thats involved. When we just react to bad news it is very likely that our reaction will also include a negative emotional component. If we choose to respond rather than react, our knee jerk reaction will be softened by our desire to maintain peace and unity in our relationship. A response allows room for more positive emotions like compassion and understanding.

5. Honor each others feelings. The way men and women respond to stress is often very different. To the man, it might seem like she is attaching too much emotional significance to the situation. To the woman, it might seem like he is just blowing it off or ignoring the problem. Recognizing that we all express our concerns in different ways makes it easier to honor the feelings and expressions of our mate. The fact that we express our feelings differently does not mean that one persons way is more valid than their mates, its just different. 6. Identify the real source of the stress. If we are feeling stress in our relationship, we need to figure out where it is coming from. If the source of the stress is external (outside the relationship), dont treat it like a relationship problem. See it for what it is! Statistically, money issues account for more relationship problems than any other source. But in reality, money is a financial problem. It only becomes a relationship problem if you let it. Working together as partners is a much more effective way to solve money problems than fighting about it. 7. Treat your mate with respect. There is an old saying that familiarity breeds contempt. How sad is that? Unfortunately, we tend to be less resourceful when we are under stress. The last thing we want to do under those conditions is be disrespectful to the person we share our life with. In reality, its not familiarity that breeds contempt; its a lack of respect and consideration. You can promote unity and decrease relationship stress by always maintaining a high level of respect for your partner, regardless of the challenges you face. 8. Seek opportunities to encourage each other. How do you feel when your partner expresses confidence in you? Its encouraging, isnt it? And this is especially true during those challenging times when you may be experiencing feelings of self-doubt. Nothing lifts us up and restores our confidence like the encouragement of our special someone. Mutual encouragement is one of the most powerful anti-stress tools your relationship has, be sure to make good use of it. Instead of waiting for stressful situations to present themselves, why not seek every opportunity to be encouraging.

9. Differentiate between the relationship and the problem. It is vital to always recognize the difference between the actual relationship and the problems and challenges you face. The love you feel for one another needs to be protected from the problems you encounter. Confusing the two is relationship suicide. To do this we need to work at confining our response to stress so it doesnt poison our feeling about our mate. 10. Reaffirm your partnership often. It is important to remind yourself that you are allies in every struggle and challenge. Remind each other that you are there for your mate no matter what. If you make a mistake, being quick to apologize demonstrates your commitment to the partnership. Being forgiving has a similar effect. Regularly letting your partner sense how much you value the relationshipwill help clear away any doubts caused by trying situations. 11. Get help if you need it. When things get confusing, dont be too proud or stubborn to seek qualified help. Sometimes we are so close to a situation that we lose our objectivity. An impartial third party like a relationship coach can often see things much more clearly and provide valuable insight at just the right time. If we truly value our closest relationship then we should be willing to do whatever it takes to strengthen those special bonds of love and unity. Can Positive Thinking Really Improve Your Life? by JONATHAN

Do you know any critics of positive thinking? Have you heard the argument that positivethinking is just a way of hiding from reality? The question of whether or not positive thinking has any measurable benefits has interested science for a number of years. For the most part, studies are focused on identifying possible physical benefits. As researchers continue to explore the effects of positive thinking and optimism on health, they have come to some interesting conclusions. Their results show that positive thinking benefits include: * Decreased negative stress * Greater resistance to catching the common cold * A sense of well-being and improved health * Reduced risk of coronary artery disease * Easier breathing if you have certain lung diseases * Better coping skills in difficult situations Positive thinking people are HAPPIER Pessimists are more inwardly focused and have more depression, anxiety and other mental health problems in general. Positive people have a greater capacity for love, joy and warmth that brings happiness into their lives, and also into the lives of their families and everyone else around them. This increased capacity for love means that they are loved more in return because they are more outwardly focused, kinder and more considerate to others. Positive thinking people are HEALTHIER Its still somewhat unclear to researchers why people who practice positive thinking experience these health benefits. One theory is that having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations, which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body. Hello, who wants less stress? Positive thinking people are MORE SUCCESSFUL To put it another way, successful people tend to think positively. Optimists are happier and more productive in their jobs, get promoted quicker and earn more than pessimists. These people set higher goals, persist at them longer, and achieve more of them. Turning negative thinking into positive thinking Self-talk has a huge influence on the overall direction of our thoughts. Negative selftalk is an easy habit to slip into, especially if you are surrounded by negative people.

So, the first step toward a more positive mindset is to change the tone of our selftalk. Like any other bad habit, before we can change it we need to become moreconsciously aware that we are doing it. Periodically during the day, stop and evaluate the tone of your thinking and self-talk. If you find that they have been negative, work on finding ways to put a positive spin on them. Make a game out of it. Start by following one simple rule: Dont say anything to yourself that you wouldnt say to anyone else. If its not worth saying out loud, its probably not worthy of saying to yourself. Here are some examples of typical negative self-talk and how you might put a more positive spin on these internal (or external) conversations. Negative self-talk Positive spin Ive never done it before. Its an opportunity to learn something. Its too complicated. Ill tackle it from a different angle. I dont have the resources. Necessity is the mother of invention. Theres not enough time. Lets re-evaluate some priorities. Theres no way it will work. I can learn to make it work. Its too radical a change. Lets take a chance. No one communicates with me. I will start the conversation. Im not getting any better at this. I want to give it another chance. Becoming an optimist If you tend to have a negative outlook, dont expect to become an optimistovernight. But with practice and focus, you will automatically move away from self-criticism and toward self-acceptance. You will likely find yourself feeling less critical of the world around you as well. Practicing positive self-talk will improve your outlook. As your state of mind becomes increasingly more optimistic, you will be able to handle everyday stress in a more constructive way. So, what do you think? Can positive thinking really improve your life? Well, lets see; less stress, happier disposition, better health, and greater success sounds pretty conclusive to me. How about you? Is positive thinking something that Do you have some tips for maintaining The lines are open! you believe in? a positive outlook?

7 principles to help you Change Slowly but Surely

by JONATHAN

by Mike Reeves-McMillan of Living Skillfully I recently discovered that another blogger had linked to a post of mine about the dangers of all or nothing thinking when youre trying to change. She was a mother, trying to get back in shape after having a baby, and the post had reminded her that slow progress is OK. Which was helpful, because slow progress was what she was making. Most of the time, for anything worthwhile, slow progress is what well all be making. We have a myth of overnight success and a habit of instant satisfaction, but one reason so many people never achieve much is that big things take time. Whether youre building muscle or losing fat, growing a business or developing a relationship, preparing for a big competition or writing a book,significant achievements are going to come slowly. Most people, when they discover that, give up. How are we going to not be among them? How to Change Slowly but Surely 1. Commit to the long haul. If you go in expecting big things right away, thats going to be a revolving door. Youll be out again as soon as you realize its not going to happen. You have to, as the jazz folks say, pay your dues. Unless you know someone (and probably even then), youre not going to succeed at anything immediately, because it takes time to build up relationships and to learn the ropes through making mistakes, generally.

All that, plus there are limits to how quickly you can change anyway. In particular, anything that requires your body to change is going to take time, because your body is very well defended against change its good at maintaining the status quo. So is your mind, actually. Be prepared for that going in. 2. Make working on your goal part of your routine. Long-term goals are very easy to lose sight of because daily routine goes on around them and if youre not careful, covers them up and pushes them to the side. So your goal has to become part of your regular routine. Not necessarily daily, though thats best, but periodically. For example, I have a fitness goal, to reach the standard of fitness for a man my age thats required by the US Navy. (Not because I have any intention of joining any military force anywhere, but because its a well-tested and achievable standard to measure myself against.) Part of my routine is to exercise in ways that directly relate to that goal. I have a weekly cycle of exercise planned, and a time set aside to do it. 3. Dont obsess. When change is slow, we can get tied up in knots about it. Is this really working? Is it worth doing this day after day? Before we know it, were spending more time on measuring our progress than on doing things that will create that progress. If youre doing something towards your goal every day, dont necessarily measure your progress every day. Measure it once a week, or even once a month (depending on how long you expect the goal to take). Certainly dont measure it every half an hour. 4. Take small actions that will have a big cumulative effect. Proverbially, the way to eat an elephant is one spoonful at a time. When we hear people talk about their success, they often talk about the big moments, the ones where everything changed. We hear about the guest post that brought hundreds of visitors, the gig where the music producer came up afterwards and offered the contract, the six-figure product launch. We hear about those moments because theyre the ones that make good stories. But behind each of those moments are thousands of small, regular actions that add up to something big. That great guest post probably wasnt the first post, or even the

hundredth post. The gig wasnt the first time the band played together. The product was the culmination of purposeful action after purposeful action, trial and error, day in, day out. Theres a joke about a street musician in New York City. A well-dressed man rushes up to him, with concert tickets in hand, and says, How do you get to Carnegie Hall? The musician looks at him and says, Practice, man. Practice. 5. Check up periodically. Ive already mentioned this, but its worth a point by itself. You have to be tracking your progress. Not obsessively or too frequently, but regularly. Tracking progress serves two purposes. If the progress is good, it serves to encourage you that you are actually headed towards your goal, that the actions youre taking are working. If your progress is not good, or if youre going backwards, thats a signal that you need to change your approach. Its a feedback mechanism. Maxwell Maltz in his classic book Psycho-Cybernetics talks about guided missiles, and how their guidance systems constantly correct their course by measuring whether theyve drifted off. This is how your mind works too. Right now, for example, my newsletter subscriber numbers are actually decreasing. I know why it is I was part of a big giveaway event, and now that people have got my free stuff, theyre dropping away (theyre not in it for the long haul, so they dont belong on my list in any case). So Im doing more guest posting on blogs that my Right People read. Its corrective action. 6. Remove the hindrances. You make progress by walking forward, one step at a time. But if somethings making you stumble or standing in your way, that slow progress becomes slower still. Your chances of giving up increase. If youre checking up, youll notice when youre no longer making progress, or when the progress is hindered. You can then analyze the situation and decide whats wrong. If you cant figure it out, call in a coach, or just a friend who has a different perspective.

Some of the biggest surges forward in long-term improvement projects come from removing your hindrances. You can actually feel the improved flow and ease. For example, on the advice of a coach I de-cluttered my blogs design, and noticed an increase in response because it was clearer to people what there was to do. 7. Celebrate your progress. You dont have to reach your goal before you can be happy about how youre doing. You can be happy with every little indicator of improvement. If I do more situps than I did last time, even if it still didnt meet the US Navy standard, thats something to celebrate. If I get a single email in a week from someone I helped, thats something to celebrate. If I make one sale, thats important. Its not quit-my-day-job time yet, but its progress. You dont have to throw a party every time. But celebrate it to yourself. Tell someone wholl be happy with you. Boast a little, its OK. Not in a I am the MAN! way, just in a I got a good result and Im happy about it way. Little celebrations keep you motivated. And motivation is what youre going to need to succeed with a long-term improvement goal. 67 Ways to Make Him Feel Super Respected by JONATHAN

Men and women have many of the same needs, but they tend to be weighted differently. In relationships, we all want to feel loved and respected. However the way that is accomplished is somewhat gender specific. Its the Mars, Venus syndrome.

When a man has the respect of his mate, it actually makes him want to become a better person. When it comes to relationships, feeling respected is a huge issue for most men. So, while some of the items on this list are very similar to the ones found in 65 Ways to Make Her feel Special, you will notice that the list leans more toward respect than toward love. Realize that for a man, the two are basically synonymous. In relationships, most men are easily encouraged. Your approval is a powerful motivator and applying some of these simple steps will yield great results. 1. Communicate with him respectfully. 2. Let him know hes important to you. 3. Try to understand his reasons, even when you disagree. 4. Ask for his help. 5. Let go of the small stuff. 6. Tell him you love and respect him, and that you like him. 7. Give him some space for his hobbies 8. Show him that you respect him and trust him. 9. When you go out together dont bring up problems. 10. Focus your attention on what hes doing right. 11. Show interest in what he feels is important in life. 12. Be happy and positive when he comes home. 13. Give him half an hour to unwind after work. 14. Dont allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. 15. Defend him to any family member who tries to dishonor him. 16. Compliment his efforts above his performance. 17. Seek his advice when you face challenges. 18. Set and work on goals together. 19. Dont over commit yourself, leave some time for him. 20. Be forgiving when he unintentionally offends you. 21. Find ways to show him you need him. Guys need to be needed. 22. Dont fill his every spare moment with chores. 23. Peel away your pride and admit your mistakes. 24. Rub his neck and shoulders when he is stressed. 25. If he wants to talk, listen and ask viewpoint questions. 26. Express appreciation for his hard work. 27. Tell him you are proud of him for the person he is. 28. Give advice in a loving way; do not in a nag him. 29. Reserve some energy for him when he wants you sexually. 30. Dont expect him to spend all his time on honey do projects.

31. Commend him for being a good man. 32. Brag about him to other people even when hes not there. 33. Share your feelings with him but keep it abbreviated. 34. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him. 35. Honor him and show your respect in front of everyone. 36. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to. 37. Be his helper in whatever ways he needs it. 38. Accept that sometimes he just wants to be with you and not talk. 39. When hes in a bad mood dont crowd him. 40. Help him accomplish his goals. 41. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him. 42. Dont compare his relatives with yours in a negative way. 43. Thank him for things hes done around the house. 44. Dont expect him to always notice everything you do. 45. Consult him before making important plans. 46. Let him sleep in when he can. 47. Dont belittle his intelligence or be cynical with him. 48. Initiate sex periodically but be responsive more often. 49. Get to the point in your discussions without endless details. 50. Wink at him from across the room when youre out together. 51. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he misspeaks. 52. Dont quarrel over words. 53. Be kind and courteous with him. 54. Dont blame him every time things go wrong. 55. When he blows it dont say, I told you so. 56. Never argue over money, he already feels responsible. 57. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him. 58. Praise his good decisions and minimize the bad ones. 59. Dont expect him to read your mind, were not that smart. 60. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. 61. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way. 62. When youre angry dont give him the silent treatment. 63. Look your best for him and make him proud to be seen with you. 64. Be his best cheer leader. 65. Acknowledge his successes in areas of everyday life. 66. Patiently teach him how to demonstrate his love for you. 67. Thank him for just being himself.

A few important points to keep in mind This is not a list of rules and the purpose of this list in not to encourage a one-sided relationship. These are only suggestions for those who want to make their man feel respected and find it difficult to understand how a mans emotional anchors work. I know this is a long list and it would be absurd to think that all these things are required to help your mate feel respected. If they are, then there is a deeper issue that is not being addressed. So, if you are looking for ways to boost your mates feelings of respect, I suggest that you just pick out a few items that resonate with you and give them a try. If you are uncomfortable with some (or all) of these suggestions, or if they make you feel inferior, fake, or stifled, then dont use them. It is entirely up to you! Vive la difference! One of the deepest human needs is the desire for approval. Respect helps fill that desire for both men and women on a core level. Because a rich and rewarding relationship is a two way street, its advantageous if both participants have some understanding of what it takes to satisfy the needs of their partner. Thats why I also wrote 65 Ways to Make Her Feel Special. You see, very often partners dont have a clue how life looks from the other persons viewpoint. The purpose of these two lists is simply to provide a little insight and perspective into the Mars, Venus syndrome, and to build some appreciation for our somewhat mysterious gender specific differences.