In Less Than A Second by Kerry Dennis

IN LESS THAN A SECOND
BY
Kerry Dennis
Copyright 2009 All rights reserved
In Less Than A Second
One
It all happened a long time ago. I was just a kid back then, impetuous, frightened and maybe even a little crazy. It was 1965 and I lived in Phoenix, Arizona. Down at the end of the block, where I lived with my parents, was a wide swath of undeveloped desert. I would go there at night sometimes and yell at God. I was angry with Him you see. I couldnt understand how He could let innocent people die in famines, in wars that seemed to have no purpose, and from terrible diseases. I also couldnt understand why He would let so many people, like me, suffer in lives filled with so much pain; Lives that seemed to have no purpose or meaning. I also couldnt understand why He never seemed to answer my prayers. I had been taught that God had made all these promises to us. Promises about protecting us and healing us and all we had to do was believe and follow His
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commandments. But you see, I felt I had done that and still I suffered. Nevertheless, I probably suffered in much the same way as many teenagers during the sixties. It was a time filled with such confusion and angst made worse by the war raging in Viet Nam, and fears of human extinction due to the development of weapons of mass destruction. Weapons that could wipe out whole countries and maybe even the entire planet. At that time young men were fleeing the country into Canada, unwilling to submit to the draft. There were war protests and even tragedies, as the government tried to quell the swelling tide of anti- war sentiment. Several students were killed at Kent State, as the National Guard opened fire on crowds of angry student protesters. I didnt protest the war at that time because I didnt understand it and I didnt know anyone who had been drafted. I didnt have many friends, mainly because I was such an attention leach and if everyone wasnt focused on me, thinking of me, doing for me, I felt as though I didnt belong. This was due to a long history of abuse, which I will go into later, for it becomes part of my story. Anyway, I was a very insecure, relatively unpopular pest, with low self-esteem and a desperate desire for understanding. I wanted God to reach down and fix everything so I could be happy. Of course, thats not what happened.
One night, while sitting on a rock in the desert yelling at God, a vortex of Light appeared a short distance from me. I know, it sounds nuts and maybe I am still trying to get attention. But let me remind you that this was a very long time ago and since that time my life has changed a great deal. As I write this I am much happier with life on lifes terms. I think that is why I need to tell this story. I really need to share what I have come to learn about life, about God and about myself as the result of living through this amazing experience. So I am looking at this Tunnel of Light swirling before me, and I said, Are you God? The Light shifted through several spectrums of color and then a sound of the voices of many people, from within the vortex said, You might consider us as such, but we have our own Ultimate Reality. I sat there frozen, my heart pounding, my eyes riveted to the vortex of Light with its shifting colors. At first I wasnt sure I was seeing anything at all, except maybe a dust devil picking up the lights from the city. But as it held its position, about 10 feet from me, and as it brightened even more, I felt this was possibly God, finally coming with some answers. Then, when it spoke, in the voices of many people, and yet as one voice, I started to get a little scared.
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This vortex and I had quite a lengthy conversation, in which I was persuaded that all of Humanitys ills are the result of its collective beliefs and its choices, based upon those beliefs. I was also told that my individual problems were the result of my choices, and my thinking. I was not at all happy with what those voices shared with me, that summer night, while I sat on my desert rock. I did wonder why, if these beings were so highly developed, they didnt help us out. It would take several years for me to find an adequate answer to that question. In 1968 I was twenty-three years old. I was working for my dad, delivering completed jobs to customers, in the company car. I was making good money for that time, and had a car of my own as well. This gave me the opportunity to attend a unique class in Occultism every Saturday evening. The teacher, whom we lovingly called Master Marty, was Martin Custer from Hoboken, New York, and he made his living as a mail carrier. Before I met him, when one of my friends told me about him, I pictured him in a flowing robe, wearing a conical hat with stars on it. However, when I met him, I thought he was just so ordinary. Nevertheless, he would prove me wrong about that as well.
Master Marty taught me a great deal about the arcane world of metaphysics, but the three things that stick with me still are, Lets take the cult out of Occultism, Wisdom is knowledge in action, and The most attractive force in the universe is Love. I told Marty about my experience with the Voices in the Tunnel as I called it, and he was very intrigued. He was interested in the fact that most of what I recounted to him about that conversation, was about Love, and how it is interchangeable with our mathematical concept of light and light speed. In fact much of what I had managed to write down at the time were mathematical formulas. He took a while reading them and cogitating on them, and then finally, one night, after the lesson he called me aside. Do you understand this? he asked. Not really, I replied. Well, he said, looking deeply into my eyes. When you do come to understand it, and I have no doubt that you will, I hope that you use what you learn to help others, because this is very powerful stuff, and can be used in two ways. I trust you will choose the correct one. I didnt understand what he meant by that back then, but I grew in understanding as the result of what happened after a traffic accident. I was driving a delivery one day, stressed out and hot, as it
Kerry Dennis
was a normal, blistering Arizona summer. I was not paying the proper attention to my driving that I should have been. I came through an intersection without looking, just as the traffic light turned green. A truck broadsided me, as the driver tried to make it though the yellow light. After the initial impact that broke my pelvis, I was thrown under the dash, because I had forgotten to fasten my seatbelt. Thank God I had forgotten, because if my belt had held me in place, I would have been killed when the truck flipped over on my car, smashing the top of the car down to the level of the base of the car windows! I had to be extracted from the car with what they call the Jaws of Life. My father couldnt believe that I had survived the crash after he saw the car. I spent several days in the hospital, and several weeks in bed, in terrible pain. I asked one of my friends from Martys class to ask Marty for a meditation that would help me heal and ease the pain. A week later my friend returned with a very detailed description of a meditation, complete with diagrams and everything! I began using the meditation that night. It included a lot of visualization, and was very intricate. The first time that I tried it, my niece was spending the night on a cot in my room. I managed all of the visualizations and began to feel floaty, which was nice, but then there was this loud
BOOM! I sat bolt upright in bed, totally disoriented, wincing with pain. My niece was also awakened by the sound, and she asked me what it was. I told her it was probably a sonic boom, but I wasnt really sure. After about 30 minutes, my niece had fallen back to sleep, and I began the meditation process again. After I had done all the breathing exercises and all the visualizations, I began to feel floaty again, and another loud boom brought me back. This time it seemed as though I had actually dropped into bed from a foot or so above it, and a shock of pain ran though my system. I sat up, painfully, as my dad opened the door and asked if my bookshelf had fallen. I told him no, that I thought it was a sonic boom. He said that the sound had come from my room and I was dumbfounded. I decided that I would need to be alone in the house to really do this. I had no fear at the time of doing the meditation again. I couldnt believe that my teacher would give me a meditation that was dangerous, and during those times just before the boom, I really felt good, pain free. So, I was determined to try again. It was maybe two or three days later; my mom and dad had gone bowling with their league and I knew they would be gone for
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several hours. I tried the meditation again. I reached that floaty place in the meditation and then came the boom, but I was ready for it and it didnt break my concentration. The floaty sensation lasted for quite some time, and then, as I drifted toward sleep I was roused by another boom and another fall. This time I fell maybe 3 feet. As I opened my eyes I saw a cone above me, like an oddly shaped light bulb, dimming from bright white, to soft white, to pink and then clear. I looked around me. I was laying on a cushion at the bottom of some kind of clear tube about 9 feet in diameter. Suddenly, the tube filled with a strange smelling mist that made me feel dizzy. Slowly, the mist dissipated and just outside this clear tube there stood a woman. She was oddly dressed even for the sixties. She smiled at me through the clear tubes wall. Then, I felt as though I were being asked if I were injured. Her mouth didnt move, but I knew that was what she was asking. She opened a door in the tube that had not been evident to me before this and stepped inside. Now I could see that she was at least seven feet tall! Although she was tall her proportions were perfect. Again she smiled and repeated the question without speaking. I was injured before I got here, I replied, confused not only by what was going on, but by the fact that I seemed to have been transported to some other location, and I had no idea where.
Do you require assistance to ambulate? She asked, reaching toward me, her huge hand gripping my arm very gently, awaiting my response. Where am I? I asked, hesitating to move any more than I had to, because of the pain in my hip, which seemed to be suddenly missing. I shifted, no pain. I was suddenly awed, and jumped up and moved around, giggling and yelling, Who cares where I am, Im cured! Youve cured me! You are at Ancore Station and I would be happy to escort you to a place where you can relax and wait for the one who has been assigned to you. She motioned toward the door in the tube and I stepped out. She followed and the tube healed behind us. No door closed, no wall slid shut, it just filled in like a wound healing in quick time. She smiled again and motioned in the direction we should go. We walked through a glowing hexagonal tube that felt like it was made out of soft rubber. Our footsteps made no sound. I felt like I was inside a living thing. Suddenly she stopped, and waved her hand over a design on the wall and a door appeared. This will be your living space while you are here, she said. There is a food synthesizer, she continued, pointing to some complicated panel beside a table. This is your bed, she touched what looked like a large lighted button, and a bed flowed from the wall, complete with bedding
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and pillow. She walked further into the room and pointed to another wall that had been out of view until I followed her in. This is your communications center, she said, but wait until your guide comes before you try to use it, as it is somewhat complicated. The room was shaped like a fat V or L and at one leg of the L there was something like a conversation area with what looked like a pool in the center. It was a small oval pool. This is the guidance arena, where your guide will assist you in comprehending all of this as well as in discovering your true potential. I took a few steps toward it to look at the pool and when I turned around she was gone and so was the door! I sat down on the bed and looked around me. I was in shock of course. This was not a dream! At least it didnt feel like a dream. Still, the only way to know for sure was to do something that would hurt in real life but not in a dream. I stood up, looked at the wall where the door had been and then charged into it with my head down. I remember the sharp pain in my head and neck, then the loss of feeling throughout my body, and then everything going from gray to black.
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When I awoke I was laying on the bed looking into the face of a giant angel who was leaning over me. His hair was blond and short cropped, his skin was olive and his eyes were gold, with silver flecks in them. He smiled and my heart leapt! I trust that you had a reason for endangering your life like that, he said, in a calm voice. I was making sure that this was real, that I am not dreaming, I replied. You are fortunate that we have the capacity to reverse the damage that you incurred, or it would have been the last thing that you would ever know for sure, in this body. He smiled and stood up. Oh my gosh he was tall! He had to have been eight feet at least. I gasped and he smiled again. I am certain that my physical appearance is unusual, at least where you come from, but I really have to tell you that I was considered the runt in my crche. He chuckled softly and pulled up a chair with no legs. I dont know why I hadnt seen it before, but at this point I realized that the chair in front of the communication console was resting on thin air! It looked like a modern desk chair, except that it had no rollers, no post upon which the seat was fixed. He pulled it beside the bed and sat and it molded itself to his form. So, I am told that you have questions, he stated as a
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matter-of-fact. He crossed his arms over his immense chest and gazed into my eyes, smiling. I was so warmed by that smile that I felt myself relax all over. I was going to go into a tirade about that chair, but now everything felt so normal and safe that I simply asked, Who are you? I am your facilitator. You may call me Aranon. He smiled again, this time showing huge, perfect teeth. How did I get here? I was just meditating, I said, feeling slightly perplexed. I was beginning to wonder if he were controlling my feelings. Ah, is that what you were doing! He slapped his leg, as though I had just revealed the answer to an unasked question. Are you aware of how powerful you are? He asked, as he cocked his head and looked at me, the question lingering on his face. I dont know what you mean, I said, feeling accused of something I knew nothing about. We have been monitoring your planet for some time now and the capacity for teleportation is quite rare in your species to begin with, but the capacity to project several light years into space is unheard of. He shifted on the form-fitting seat, which in turn shifted to accommodate his new position. How is it that you were able to do that? He asked, leaning toward me, his face
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mirroring the question. I was unaware that I had I replied, defensively, feeling as though I had unwittingly broken some sort of law. Then the full force of what he had said hit me and I asked, my heart pounding, what do you mean, you have been monitoring our planet? Where am I? I was certain that the gate attendant already responded to that question, he replied, leaning back. Gate attendant? I asked, feeling faint. You mean that lady that brought me to this room? My mind was reeling with fear and questions and as I struggled to sit up, he placed his huge hand on my shoulder, keeping me prone on the bed. Best not get up just yet, he said, calmly. You must give time for the re-patterning to take effect. Yes, the lady that brought you to this room explained to you that you are at Ancore Station. This is sort of a clearinghouse, if you will, for displaced persons. Generally, our job is to rescue and reorient sentient beings that show a potential for assisting in our cause. Okay, I said, feeling once again that I was in the midst of a nightmare and would soon awaken. But why me? Why did you rescue me? All I was doing was meditating! Thoughts and feelings raged through me like a storm about to break. He laughed, and the sound of it echoed off the walls, in a
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place where the walls had seemed to soak up sound like a sponge. You really dont know, do you? he asked, running his large hand through his platinum blond hair. Your atoms would have been scattered over half the galaxy without our intervention, my friend. I just stared at him in disbelief. I knew Marty would have never given me a meditation that would harm me, at least not knowingly. Maybe he didnt know what he had or maybe he did and I was his guinea pig. I was just meditating! I shouted, feeling lost and frightened. I see that now, he replied, his voice extra calm, and his gaze making the fear in me melt away. I am now aware that you had no idea what you were doing, at least not consciously. Can you describe the meditation to me? His calming gaze made it possible for me to draw my thoughts together and to describe the intricate visualizations involved in the meditation. I was amazed at the clarity of my response, and that my heart had resumed a normal rhythm. Suddenly, I realized that he was doing this, that he was controlling my thoughts and feelings and I pulled my eyes away, feeling used and angry. Stop doing that! I shouted at him, as my heart rate raised again, the thoughts and the fears beginning to swirl within me
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once again. It appears to me that you are much too emotional, right now, to be coherent without assistance, he replied, reaching out and touching my shoulder once again. Imediately, my heart rate dropped and my mind and emotions settled down again. I have a right to the way I feel! I shouted, pulling away from his touch angrily. Every time you do that I feel like a trained pet! I feel violated! He leaned back in the chair and studied me, while I tried to avoid his gaze. Finally, he rose and walked to the wall, waved his hand, the door appeared with a whoosh and he walked through it. He turned, and smiled at me. Ill be back. Try to remain calm, okay? The door disappeared and I was alone once more. Thoughts and feelings ripped through me, like a raging storm. I tried to sit up but still felt pretty woozy, so I sat up in increments. Finally, I was able to swing my legs over the edge of the bed, almost fell, but then caught myself and sat huffing, like I had run a thirty-mile race. I made an effort to control my breathing, and slowly the light-headedness began to subside. I decided to stand, and was able to do so, but it made me a bit dizzy. I stood still for a moment, and then slowly made my way over to the communications center. Now this was a time when computers were rarely even
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talked about, except in science fiction movies, and this communications center looked like something out of a high tech Sci-Fi movie. The wall above the desk contained five different screens, and it took me a while to figure out what most of them represented. One of them showed some sort of readings from the bed, like one of those sickbay beds in Star Trek. I discovered this when I sat down on the bed and looked over at the screens. That particular screen, which had been doing nothing at all, suddenly began to display several animated graphs, like heartbeat and temperature I guess. I couldnt read the symbols so I assumed they were in another language. Another screen showed the hallway outside my door, another was blank and I never did find out how to turn it on, another had symbols flashing across it all the time, but I never discovered what they meant. The last one, the central one and largest screen seemed to respond when I hit all the keys on the console. Finally, after pressing as many keys as I could with my hands, a face appeared on the screen. I see that you are in need of assistance, stated a youngish man whos coloring appeared to be the same as Aranons. How can I help you? Where am I? Who are you people? How come you speak English? How do I get back home? Wheres the bathroom? I blurted, as though I was letting fly with a string of swearwords.
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The man on the screen smiled, and listened to my tirade of questions, then said in a patient voice, the bathroom is next to the nutrition center. He pointed as though he could see into the room. Perhaps he could. Go ahead, turn around. He continued to direct, see the wall there next to the table? Yes, I said, but theres no door there. Go ahead, continued the man, walk over to it and put your hand on it. On the wall? I asked. Yes, yes, go ahead and put your hand on the wall. I walked to the wall, put out my hand and placed it on the surface but it went right through! Go ahead, walk inside there, he encouraged. I walked through the wall and found myself in another smaller room. In a corner there was what looked like a commode, but much deeper than a commode. It had a seat, but there was no water in the bowl, nor was there a way to flush it. No toilet paper either, but that was the least of my worries because all of a sudden I really needed to go. I walked back through the wall and asked the guy in the screen, how do you flush it? It cleans itself, he replied. Be careful what you put into the bowl. At approximately a foot from the seat, inside the bowl, everything is vaporized, so please try to keep appendages out of
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the bowl. Is it safe to use? I asked. Of course, just be aware of its dangers. There are a lot of safeguards that you do not see, nevertheless, one must always be appraised of possible danger. I turned and ran back into the bathroom, willing to brave anything to relieve myself. It was nice not having to flush, or put up with the smell until you do, but it was a real bummer not having T.P. There didnt seem to be any place to wash up either, and that was upsetting. After putting myself together as best I could, I went back through the wall. The face of the man was still there. Wheres the toilet paper? Wheres the sink so I can wash my hands? Where is the bath tub or the shower? I griped. I feel dirty. How do I get clean? I tried to give him my angriest stare. I will send someone to demonstrate the facilities, he smiled, and I suppose you could use some clean duds. Duds? I was startled by his use of the word. If I am not on Earth anymore, and you people are not Earthlings, and I can tell by your size you are not, then how is it that you not only speak my language, but you know all of the colloquialisms? I was absolutely certain that I was dreaming, because that would be the only logical explanation. As youve been told, they have been studying your planet
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for quite some time. In fact, some of the people who work here are f r o m there. I happen to be one of them. He smiled indulgently. You mean you are not ten feet tall? I asked, feeling guilty for my tirade. Nope, Im five seven. I know you are scared, but try to be as calm as you can. You are in good hands, and no one here means you any harm. He smiled again and the screen turned bright blue and he was gone.
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Two
Shortly thereafter, another woman, one more my size and coloring, came to the door. When she arrived I was just sitting on the bed watching the graphs on one of the screens move and change colors. The door materialized and she asked, politely, if she could come in. Are you from Earth? I asked, realizing that she actually could be. Yes, she smiled, Im from Poughkeepsie. Thats in New York. She entered and stood a few feet from me smiling and seemingly awaiting a response from me. In her hands she had
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clothing, all neatly folded. Huh. I said, at a momentary loss for words. How did you wind up here? I finally asked, trying to imagine the circumstances that could have brought her to this place. Actually, she began, almost shyly, I was supposed to die in a plane crash. Only, at the last minute, I found myself here, with the opportunity to help our world in a way I had never dreamed of. She seemed restless now, and then added, Can I show you how to use the facilities? She placed the pile of clean clothes beside me on the bed. No toilet paper, I said, bluntly, getting up and going into the bathroom. It was hard to get used to walking through a wall. I had tried it with the door to the hall but that was a no go and so I decided I was locked in, for whatever reason. You wont need it. Our toilet not only cleans itself, it cleans you. She went to the fixture and pointed to what I thought was a raised hexagonal decoration. When you place your hand on this control point, you release a spray of living organisms that will clean you. Most of the time these organisms stay with you from that point on and you dont need to touch the control again unless you shower. There are a few things that the organisms will not eat. One of them is anything that our body needs to remain healthy. It differentiates between what interferes with healthy
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function and what does not. But if you go to Top Side, you will need to shower when you return, because the organism wont eat dirt, dust or sand. You mean this is a planet? I asked, excitedly. Is there a sun? Are there beaches and forests and mountains and clouds in the sky? By the time I finished my litany she was laughing. Yes, there are two suns, and three moons, its really a site to see! She too was excited, but suddenly she composed herself. Let me show you how to use the shower, she said turning to face it. You can use it with your clothes on or off. It works by showering you with sound pulses that are impossible for us to hear, but which vaporize dirt particles and microorganisms. She smiled and looked me in the eye. I cant tell you much about why you are here, or if you can go home, but I can say that they are kind and they have been helping me a lot. Its scary sometimes, but it really has helped me. With that she turned and went out of the bathroom. I followed. The most wonderful thing here is the food synthesizer, she said, making it apparent that she would answer no more questions aside from what she was supposed to show me. It can produce a meal that looks and tastes just like what you asked for, but it is all vegetable protein. My body didnt like it much when I first got here, but I feel a whole lot better, physically, than I did
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before I got here. I think they are so far advanced that they know better than we do what is good for us, you know? I was too dumbfounded to respond. I had been a vegetarian for about five years and I knew it was good for your body. Nevertheless, I really missed juicy steaks, especially when they were rare, bloody and pink; so salty, so sweet! If it was cooked correctly, it melted in your mouth! So, if I ordered a steak, rare, with baked potato would it look and taste like that? I asked. I was thinking, why not? I could eat a steak and not even break my vegetarian diet. Oh yes! You cant believe how real it looks and tastes! She smiled broadly, but it contains only what your body needs to function at optimum efficiency. I dont know how they do it, but is sure tastes good. Again she smiled, broadly. Are you hungry? Would you like to try it? Oh yeah, I said, eagerly awaiting a steak dinner. Okay, she said almost gleefully, and stood before the food synthesizer and said, This is Marjorie, 1357462. What is your desire? said a voice that emanated from the unit. I desire to introduce she turned to me, Whats your name? she whispered. Christy, I whispered back.
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.Christy, to you. She will speak to you now. She turned to me and made upsweeps with the palm of her hand, signaling me to speak. I didnt know what to say. Say anything, she whispered, as if reading my mind. Hi there, food synthesizer, I said, feeling really dumb. Good afternoon, Christy, it replied in an almost human voice, What can I do for you? I suppressed a giggle with both hands and turned to look at Marjorie, and saw that she was delighted as well. I was taught how to do that, but this is the first time I ever did it. Now the synthesizer will take voice commands from you. Ok, synthesizer, I began. Yes, Christy? It replied I want a T-bone steak, rare, with salt and pepper, a baked potato with butter and sour cream, oh and add some chives. I smiled expectantly at the machine. A tone sounded and Marjorie signaled for me to go open the door. I went to the machine, saw a handle and pulled, and a door came open. Inside this box, the size of an oven, sitting on a pedestal was a plate, with a still steaming steak and baked potato. I lifted it out, as the plate wasnt hot to the touch. It smelled fantastic. I took it to the table. Then I realized, I need a sharp knife, and fork to eat it with. I looked at Marjorie, and then around the table area. What about utensils? I
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asked finally, feeling silly. Ask the synthesizer, nodding her head toward it, and grinning. Synthesizer, I need a knife, and a fork. The knife needs to be a steak knife. The tone sounded again and I opened the door to find a fork and a steak knife. Golly! What else can it make? Just about anything you can imagine, that will fit into the box, she replied. Anything? I asked, amazed Well, as long as it has been programmed for it, she replied. You will have to ask your facilitator for more information about it, because thats about all I know. She sat down on the bed. So, gonna try that steak? I took my utensils to the table and sat down in front of my steak. I sliced off a chunk and put it in my mouth, rolling it on my tongue like a wine taster. It sure tasted like steak. I chewed, slowly. It had the same mouth-feel and consistency of rare, red meat. In fact, I felt as though I was committing a sin against vegetarianism. It was, nevertheless, a very enjoyable experience. What about the communications console over there? I asked as I chewed, nodding at the console and the wall of screens. Its really not that difficult, she said, getting up and moving toward the console. Its all color coded, because that is the
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easiest for most races to remember. For instance, if you touch the gold and green rectangles, at the same time, you will get the library. What you will see first is a list of words, most of which you probably cant read. She touched the glowing rectangles on the console and the center screen changed and there was a list of words on the screen. You can run your finger down the screen, like this, she explained, demonstrating by touching her finger to the screen. As she did, the words closest to her finger lit up. To make the screen show you more words, you tap it twice. As she did this, another list of words appeared, and one of those words I could read. English! I said, chewing and pointing. I get it, you need to tell them which language you want! Exactly, she nodded and smiled, you are very smart! So what do you do then? Touch the word English, on the screen and it goes to just words in English? I was shoveling baked potato into my mouth, but she heard me. Exactly! How did you figure that out? She cocked her head and looked at me with something akin to awe. Well, if you can change the screen by touching, and if the words light up when your finger is near them, then it stands to reason that you need to touch the word to get what it represents. I looked over at her, shifting my focus away from my meal. She
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was just looking at me, with this blank look on her face. What? I asked, feeling suddenly defensive. Sorry, she said, pulling herself back to her demonstration. So we touch English and up comes a list of subjects, in English. Thanks, I said, just leave it there. I think I will look it over later. I finished my dinner and then looked around for somewhere to clean my plate. Wheres the sink? How do you wash your dishes? I asked. You dont. You put everything you are finished with in that receptacle, over there. She pointed to the synthesizer. I looked, but couldnt make out what she was pointing at. The place where you got it from, she said, sounding impatient. You mean the oven? Where the plate appeared? I opened the door and placed the plate on the pedestal. As I watched, plate and pedestal disappeared, leaving a large rectangular, empty box. Jeeze, I said, good thing I let go of it! Oh, it would not have dissipated until you let go. She walked back toward the door. Um, I said, hoping she would stay a while more. What about that conversation area over there? Your facilitator will explain that to you. Its been nice meeting you, but I really have to go now. She didnt wait for a response. She went to the door, waved and walked through, the
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door filling back in as she reached the hallway. I have to say that I was really confused by her sudden need to leave. I was sure that it was something that I said. Of course, being the epitome of emotional imbalance that I was back then, tears filled my eyes and I stared at the wall where the door had been. What did I say? I shouted at the wall, what did I do? I turned and pounded both of my fists into the bed, with all my might, and my forearms were suddenly buried in the bed up to my elbows. At first I was quite shocked, thinking the bed was a live thing that had hold of me and would never let go, but slowly my arms were expelled from the bed until just my fists rested on the bedspread. Well, that sure shifted my focus. I spent a few minutes punching and jumping on the bed, which probably seemed like truly outlandish behavior to those who watched. I didnt learn until later just how thoroughly I was watched, but looking back on it now brings up giggles. They must have thought I was quite a bizarre specimen! They must have had to really be on top of it for those first few days I was with them, because any number of times I might have severely damaged myself with my craziness. Finally, the more I jumped on the bed the more springy it became, almost as though it was learning from this interaction.
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Once it started to feel like a trampoline, I decided to stop. My head was coming just a little too close to the ceiling. I jumped off unprepared for the shock of landing on a surface that didnt give as much as the bed had and my legs gave out and I sprawled on the floor. As I rolled over to sit up, I saw Aranon enter. Im okay, I said, getting up. I wasnt trying to hurt myself, just lost my balance is all. I tried to produce what I thought was a sheepish grin. Uh huh, he replied, reaching down to give me a hand up, like you were just trying to make sure you were not dreaming? Well, you have to admit, finding myself here was pretty scary. I stood as he gave the gentlest of tugs while I held on to one of his fingers, his hands being so big. I felt like a small child in the presence of a stern but patient parent. Yes, I am sure this is very disorienting for you, he said. What was it that you were doing there? On the bed? Discovering, I replied. I went over and sat on the bed, absently looking over the clothes that Marjory had brought for me. Lets go over here to sit and discuss it, he said, walking toward the conversation area. Oh yeah, I got up and followed him. I want to know about that.
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Aranon ushered me into the circular area, indicating a seat. It looked like a chair out of a space ship, a really cushy dental chair, or an ultra-modern Lazy Boy. I sat down and it molded itself to my body. I have to say that it was the most comfortable seat I have yet to sit in. It seemed to mirror my body temperature, and to not just mold to me, but to caress me, to nurture me. It was like being in my mothers arms. I felt warm, safe, loved. Now, said Aranon, seating himself adjacent to me, What were you trying to discover over there on the bed? Well, I was mad, you see, I began, calmly, and I wanted to hit something, so I hit the bed, with my fists. I looked over at him to see if he were listening. He nodded and smiled. So, I continued, watching his expression, when I hit the bed with my fists they seemed to be swallowed up by the bed. At first it scared me cause I thought I was stuck. Then, my hands just popped right back out again and so I was trying to see how deep I could sink into it. He nodded, steepling his fingers over his chest. So, I started jumping on it, but the more I jumped the bouncier it got, so I gave up, but I had jumped pretty high, so when I decided to jump off, I lost my balance and fell. I looked at him and smiled a forced smile. So, thats it. So what did you discover? He asked, softly, patiently. I looked at him for a moment, my mind blank, and then I
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thought back to what I had been doing and remembered. Oh, yeah, I said, I discovered that the bed is made of something that acts like it is alive, and that it learns from experience. Interesting, he said, and I was instantly reminded of Spock on Star Trek. What were you angry about? He looked deeply into my eyes and again I felt invaded, manipulated. Nothing! I shouted, retaliating against the perceived assault. I got angry, belligerent and sulky when I felt I was under attack. Nevertheless, he just sat there, calmly. What were you angry about? He repeated, again. None of your business, I growled, turning my face to the wall. There followed a moment or two of silence, where he seemed to be waiting for me to look back at him. I beg to differ, he responded, in a soft, calm voice. My business, right now, is to help you to recognize your power and potential by assisting you in discovering which thoughts, actions, emotions and behaviors are supportive of the productive use of those talents, and which are not supportive. Some of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors appear to be quite destructive. On the other hand, he reached over and tapped my shoulder. When I looked at him, he smiled merrily and said, just when I think I have you all figured out, he chuckled, you amaze me with the productive outcome of a seemingly unproductive display of
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emotionally charged behavior, by discovering something that most newcomers dont discover until they are taught. I have no doubt that you will become one of the most memorable challenges of my life. Again he gave me that deep look, but this time, I felt a sincerity that I hadnt felt before. We just sat there, for a few minutes, just being there. I was rethinking my opinion of him as being, big, kindly looking, and therefore dangerous. I had a history of physical and sexual abuse, and I was always very guarded around powerful men that appeared to be gentle. Those were the ones that you had to be careful of, because those were the ones who could really hurt you. I dont know what he was thinking, but finally he stood up and reached for my hand. I grabbed his pointer finger and he chuckled at that, saying, You certainly are little, Ill give you that. I was five foot one and a half at the time, and about 98 lbs. He pulled me up and then added, Lets go draw up a pact. What do you mean? I looked up at him, towering above me. Well, we have a code of ethics that we must abide by, and in order for us to help you, first, you have to want that help. Second, you must ask for that help, and third you must agree to allow us to help you, even if that means that it might get pretty
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scary. Also, you can decide, if it gets too scary for you, to go back to your native position, with no memory of these events. He began walking toward the door, and I followed. I started to question him and he just motioned for me to come out into the hall. I did and the wall filled back in. I dont suppose that would fill back in like that if there was anything in the doorway that didnt belong, right? Dont get any ideas, just yet, girl. He chuckled again, took my hand, enveloping it with his, and led me down the passageway. Christy, I said, My name is Christy, just in case you are interested. Thank you, he said, I am glad to see that you feel safe enough to identify yourself personally to me.
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Three
We roamed, for what seemed like miles, through hexagonal hallways that glowed from every surface. I was trying to figure out what made them glow. There didnt seem to be any light bulbs or florescent bars behind the surface of the walls, as the surfaces glowed evenly throughout. What makes the walls glow like this? I finally asked. The light is generated by a minute bioluminescent life-form that thrives within the electro-chemical emulsion that has been applied to the walls. In return, it also assists in replenishing the oxygen in the stations atmosphere.
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Oh, I replied, thinking over this explanation. Does that mean that the material in the walls is mostly alive? Yes, he said, nodding with a smile. Theyre in the floor too then, right? Because the floor glows too, so how come we arent killing them as we walk on them? Because they are protected from harm by a valent field, he replied. What does that mean? I stopped to feel the wall closest to me, and he stopped and turned to watch. For now, it means that they are protected by a barrier that cannot be breached without a lot of special equipment. He motioned for me to follow him through an entryway leading into a large round room that appeared to be some sort of control center. Half of the room was a huge console, curved to fit the wall. Above the console, on the curved wall, danced hundreds of video images. Sitting in front of the console was a man that was even larger than Aranon. As we entered, he turned in his seat, which also floated a few feet from the floor. Ah! said the giant man, looking me over. Our newest arrival! His voice was like a sonic boom. I have to say that his size and volume terrified me. Have you brought her here to make a pact? The huge man asked Aranon. I have, Dorn, replied Aranon. Then he turned to me, smiled
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softly and said, Christy, this is Dorn. He is the director of all the affairs on Ancore Station. Once again, the huge man, Dorn, looked at me, as though sizing me up for a late night snack. I instinctively moved behind Aranon, like a child hiding behind her daddys legs. Oh my! said Dorn, softly, gently, I believe my size frightens you. He smiled, and then turned to Aranon. Well, I suppose we had better get on with the intended agenda, no need for her to be terrified for any longer than necessary. Yes, replied Aranon. He turned and placed his hand on my back and hugged me gently to him and then moved me, with a gentle push, out in front of him, and then placed his hand on my shoulder, as though letting me know that he was there, and I was safe. We are aware that you asked for help some time ago, when you made contact with one of our Monitors, stated Dorn, in a much softer tone, Do you remember that experience? I, I donno, I stammered, trying to imagine what he was talking about. I was shaking so bad that I was afraid my legs would give out. I would have remembered if I had met anyone like this, wouldnt I? I believe that you were angry with God, stated Dorn, and the Monitor gave you some basic principles, I believe you would
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call them formulas, through which to access the answers to your questions. Suddenly, it I hit me! The voices in the tunnel! Yes, I remember. That was you? I asked. Now I was in the grips of a sense of awe! It was one of our Monitors, and you will probably learn about them later. He reached into a cabinet and removed a cube shaped object. No, it was hexagonal, and it was black. Do you still want our help? He asked, holding the cube so that I could examine it. Yeah, sure, I replied, thinking, Im suddenly living inside a science fiction novel, and I want to see what happens next. At the same time I was overwhelmed with what had happened since I started doing that meditation, and was scared spit-less by these huge giants. I know that we appear very large and menacing to you, but we have no desire to harm you. Dorn spoke as though he were invading my thoughts, and I, once again became angry. Yeah, sure, big guys, little girls, theres bound to be one guy in the bunch who gets off on dominating little girls, for his own ends, I said, glaring at him, my anger seething. I see, he replied thoughtfully, looking at Aranon. Do you feel that either I or Aranon have the desire to dominate you for our
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own purposes? Well, dont you? I mean you both keep taking excursions through my mind, and voicing things that I would rather not discuss. It makes me feel violated. I was running on anger, my chin out, my face as menacing as I could make it, my hands balled into tight fists. I see, so would you be more comfortable if we did not invade your thoughts without your permission, except in an emergency? asked Dorn, negotiating. Oh yeah, there is always that emergency thing, and of course, you will be the ones who decide on just what that means, huh? I think I was shouting, I know I was feeling increasingly more vulnerable. No, I think that should be up to you. If we are committed to assisting you in discovering your talents and abilities, then what in the course of that activity would constitute an emergency? asked Dorn calmly, still negotiating. Its not just your reading my thoughts that upsets me. I replied, maybe a little too hotly, considering his obvious effort to appear non-threatening. Its when Aranon takes away my feelings. That really pisses me off! Dorn leaned back in his massive chair, apparently thinking, maybe praying for strength with which to deal with this feisty
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specimen. All right, he said after a tense silence. We shall add that to the emergency contingency as well. I felt Aranon stir and tense beside me, and I knew that he was not fully in accord with this decision. So, I will ask the question once again. When, during the course of our attempts to assist you, would the use of these therapeutic processes be acceptable to you? What kind of emergency situation would warrant the use of one or the other? Ill need to think about it, I replied, sullenly. Of course, replied Dorn, You have six of your Terran hours to come to a decision. If you have not decided by then, we will be forced, by our law, to return you to youre native position, with no memory of this experience. What is my native position? I asked, feeling somehow as though I was being gently rejected. That place in time and space from which you came. Wherever you were before you arrived here, he explained. Well, couldnt you just put me somewhere else? Like Hawaii? I pleaded. Im sure I could find a place to stay there. It is our law that we must return you to your native position, he responded, shaking his head. But maybe it would help if I explained what we would like to offer you if you decide to stay. He put the hexagon down on a counter next to the control board
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and leaned back in his chair. Aranon, pull up a couple of chairs, this may take a few increments of time. Aranon pulled two floating chairs, effortlessly, across the room and positioned them before Dorn, who sat on the raised dais upon which the control center was located. These two chairs floated about 3 feet off the floor. How do they float like that? I asked, as Aranon motioned me into a chair. They sit on a valent field, he explained, that is designed to be adjustable. It extends from the base of the chair to the floor and can be adjusted by using this panel. He pointed to some glowing rectangles of red, green and blue. Red is for up, blue is for down, green is for reclining, and red and green are for sitting up. I was right! It was an ultra modern Lazy Boy! Ok, but what holds it up? I asked, knowing it sounded stupid. An electro molecular process, he replied, and then nodded toward Dorn, who sat patiently waiting for us to give him our attention. I looked Dorn in the eye and suddenly I felt small, vulnerable and guilty, like a child about to be talked to by the principal. We have no desire to harm you in any way, he began, with a gentle smile on his face. He was clean-shaven, just like Aranon,
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but his color was lighter and his hair was the color of polished silver. His eyes glowed a soft golden color, like two polished coins. He was dressed in a white body suit, with colorful symbols across his chest and on his sleeves. He leaned toward me, clasping his hands between his knees. We find no fault with you, but we can see that you are intelligent and talented. We also recognize some of your behavior patterns as being consistent with someone who has been severely mistreated by those they trust. Our goal then is to assist you in feeling safe enough to come to terms with your experiences, and then to recognize alternative choices in behaviors and perceptions, that may assist you in making more productive use of your talent and intelligence. He looked into my eyes but I didnt feel him looking at my thoughts. Would you like to ask a question now? I guess the big thing is trust, I said, thinking about how advanced they were and how well he had me pegged, and I needed to decide now. I want to trust you, I said, fidgeting, feeling very vulnerable, but so many times I thought I was trusting the right person and I was wrong. But, you seem to know a lot about me, and why would you even be interested in me unless you somehow needed me, and thats where it gets sticky, because I cant be the answer to anyone elses needs, I can only
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be the answer to my own. I agree, stated Dorn, smiling. That is what this pact is for. In order to make it we all have to agree to the rules and the agenda. It is imperative that you, Christy, understand the terms, and that you make the final decision. Okay, Ive decided to make the pact, but only if you dont try to take away my feelings. I guess I can say that its okay if and when I am either injured or my life is in danger. You could call that an emergency. As far as the mind reading stuff, I would like to have some private time to think what I want and not be listened to. Ah hah! laughed Dorn, I knew you had it in you! Again he reached for the hexagon. I wont lie to you, Christy, this is not going to be all fun and games. The process of identifying key experiences in your past, auditing them, and then editing them can be difficult, painful, and even scary. He held up the hexagon, black and shining, its facets gleaming. This will record our pact, from each of our perspectives. My perspective is this: I will do whatever it takes to help you to become who you really are, always respecting your thoughts, desires, needs and disabilities. I will respect your desire to be allowed to experience your feelings, as long as in doing so you are not injuring yourself or others. At that point minimal restraint will be used, lasting only as long as
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necessary. I will not punish you, nor will I abuse you in any way for my own purposes. If at any time you decide that you would rather be returned to your native position, you need only to speak your desire three times and you will be swiftly returned to your native position in space and time. While you are here you will always be treated; by my staff and myself; with dignity and respect. I will attempt to answer any questions that Aranon finds too difficult, or inappropriate. For a time you will not have as much freedom as you like, but that is because you will be quarantined until you have been thoroughly examined. I suggest that you allow Aranon to help you with your feelings during that process. Finally, he squeezed the hexagon and tossed it to Aranon. The object sailed to just about a foot in front of Aranon and then stopped. He reached out and plucked it out of the air. My perspective, he began, holding up the object, is that I am willing to do whatever it takes to assist you in discovering who you truly are. I will guide you through past experiences, experiencing with you the breadth and intensity of those experiences, so that I can assist you in shifting your focus, your perspective and finally in discovering your Original Path, set forth by your true self. Sometimes it may seem as though I am making you do things you dont want to do, but usually this will be because of your present lack of understanding and your fear. I will
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never do anything to harm you, nor will I abuse you in any way for my own purposes. I will treat you with consideration and dignity, although at times I may have to insist that you follow directions, even if it means providing physical assistance. I will only use force when I have no other alternative, and it will always be for the purpose of assisting you to help yourself, when you are unable to act responsibly because of your fear. I have no desire to harm you or to cause you undue discomfort. I truly care about you and would like to see you succeed in this process. I will give you as much privacy as you need, but when I can see that there is a definite disturbance in your thinking which you are unwilling to share and it is retarding your progress, I will analyze your thoughts. I agree to allow you your feelings within the parameters suggested by Dorn. I also strongly suggest that you allow me to divert your consciousness during the physical examination process. For a moment he was silent, just holding the cube, and then he squeezed it and tossed it to me, which was not that far. It looped in the air, then hung in mid air, right before my face. I wasnt sure I wanted to take it. Some of the things that each of them said, made me worry, and wary. What if I dont agree with some of the stuff you said, I asked, deliberately not reaching for the object.
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All right, said Dorn, what is it that you dont agree with? Well, theres the difficult, painful and scary part. Is that what this thing you are going to be doing with me will be about? Probably, replied Dorn, his tone matter of fact. On the other hand, he continued, it was probably painful for you to be born, but you were born nevertheless. Your mother knew that giving birth to you would be painful, but she did not refuse to give birth to you, in light of that knowledge. Whenever you have learned something new, like riding a bicycle, your legs hurt, possibly for days, until you got used to that form of exercise. Its a fact of life that when you attempt to make changes in your emotions and your thinking, your behavior and your lifestyle, you are bound to go through some discomfort. You determine the length and the intensity of that process. It all has to do with your willingness to make the necessary changes and then stay with it until the process is complete. If that is not within your capability at this time, you can choose to be returned to your native position. Yes, it will be difficult for you, it may very well be painful for you, and it could even get pretty scary for you. Whats it worth to you to have a better, more enjoyable, more productive life? Ive had enough pain in my life, why would I want to go through more? I asked, feeling helpless to move beyond my fear. Tears began to seep from my eyes.
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Indeed you have, nodded Dorn, with a pained look, and you are probably headed for a great deal more unless you get to the source of the pain you still carry within you. He shifted in his seat, and looked directly at me. You are in pain all the time, arent you? Not physical pain, but a pain more insidious, more destructive, because no one can see it and you cant explain it to anyone. Am I correct? You can read my thoughts, you should know, I quipped, again feeling violated. I didnt read that in your thoughts, my friend, I read it in your behavior, and in your expressions. I know deep emotional pain, because I work with it every day. You are one of the lucky ones; you have the choice to run from our assistance. Most of those who stand before me dont have that luxury. The choice to leave here would mean certain death, because most were rescued from a terminal event. If we were to send you back to your native position, you will have a life that continues on. How do you want that life to continue? As it has been, or on a different path, from a new, more self assured perspective? Yeah, but I dont know that is true. I dont know that what you will do to me here will make me a better person, or just your slave, your automaton. I followed that thought for a moment and became frightened by the implications.
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Ah, he said, but you do know. Why else would we be making this pact? I have no way of knowing if you will abide by it. For all I know it is just a formality to make me willing to allow you to do unspeakable things to me. Now I was crying, and thinking of running. Aranon placed his hand on my shoulder, and I shrugged it off. Dont take away my feelings! I yelled at him. I have a right to my feelings! Well, said Dorn, almost sadly, it may be that we may not be able to assist you. We cannot force you to take part in your own healing, your own self-discovery. All we can do is offer that opportunity. The choice to participate is up to you. Tears were rolling down my face, soaking the front of my pajama top. I wanted help and these were obviously highly advanced beings, who rescued me from something I still didnt understand. They have technology that could benefit my planet, if indeed I am no longer on Earth. Why cant I trust them? Arent they promising to treat me with care and consideration? Gosh! I just cant go back to the way things were, I just cant! I grabbed the object. It tingled in my hand. I looked at Dorn, who seemed surprised by my action. I agree to let you help me as long as you treat me with care and respect, and if I dont think you are doing that, Ill ask to go home and you gota send me, like
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right away. I want you to send me back a better person. I dont want things to go back to the way they were. No matter what, when you send me back, I gota have a better life than I woulda had if I never came here. I need you to promise me that! I was sobbing now, and I didnt even know why. I do, replied Dorn, solemnly. You need to squeeze the object to make it complete. I squeezed the hexagonal object, and it felt like a rubber ball, giving a little as I squeezed. Then it started to glow, it rose out of my hand and then it shot across the room, disappearing from sight. Its done, smiled Dorn. Aranon, escort the seeker to her quarters, we have a lot of planning to do. Aranon gently led me from the control center. He kept his silence as he led me, still sobbing, back to my room.
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Four
Aranon opened the door to my room and led me to the conversation area. He gently nudged me into a seat, and then sat in the opposite chair. I continued to cry, as a seemingly endless flood of emotion flowed through me, seeping, in copious amounts, from my swollen eyes. Being that you have asked me to refrain from infringing upon your thought processes, Aranon said, breaking the tension of his silent presence, would you mind explaining what it is that has you in such an emotionally charged state? If you cant figure it out, why should I tell you, I said, choking back another flood of tears.
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Well, I suppose I could figure it out, he replied, sounding almost irritated, but you have successfully disabled my ability to do so. So, in order for me to acquire an adequate understanding of what you are feeling, you will need to explain it to me. God! You are so dense! I cried, lapsing into another round of deep, gut wrenching sobs. I am unfamiliar with the term dense as you just used it, he said, his tone indicating that he was coming close to frustration. Would you please enlighten me as to its meaning, under these circumstances? Thick as a brick, I muttered, wiping tears from my eyes with my fists, while trying to suppress my fury. Dumb as a door knob, insensitive, clueless! I said, barely controlling the desire to jump up and walk away from him. I see, he replied, still struggling to control his own emotions, because I do not just innately know the cause of your pain, regardless of the fact that I have been severely handicapped, as the result of the pact that we just made, and now, suddenly he shifted to a calm and metered voice, you apparently find me ineffective, impotent, and devoid of feeling. I guess I shall remain so, until you are ready to enlighten me as to what it is that pains you so deeply. He sat quietly, I suppose waiting for his words to penetrate my emotional reactiveness.
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You really dont get it do you? I asked, doggedly pushing on with my anger and frustration, and yes, my need to feel somehow superior over him because I knew what was eating at me, and I knew that as long as he couldnt get into my thoughts, he didnt. I await your instruction, he replied, calmly, without an ounce of facetiousness. After about five minutes or so, as my emotions calmed I asked, what brought you to Ancore Station? Was it your choice, or did you wind up here because of some accident that you had no control over? Actually, it was a little of both, he replied. When I reached my point of maturity, and it was necessary to choose my field of service, I joined the Brotherhood of Light. Thats not our term for the organization that I joined, but loosely translated, its meaning is close enough. I was to begin my internship, another borrowed term, on a planet called Valcore, but somehow, my orders were changed and I wound up here. That was approximately a century ago, according to your Terran timetable. I have never wanted to be anywhere else, or do anything else since that day. I have always found my work to be gratifying, interesting and fulfilling. But you didnt suddenly wind up in a place where you had no idea where you were and how you got there, scared and
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confused, overwhelmed by the alien-ness of everything, I retorted, still trying to belittle him, take him down a few pegs. And you werent rushed into making a decision that could.maybe even end your life, at least as you know it, forever. I have no idea what you are going to do to me! I started to cry again. I have no idea what kind of beings you are, except that you are highly advanced. For all I know you could just be playing with me, like a toy poodle that you got from the pound. What will you do with me when you tire of me? Or what will I do if you dont? How can I go home when the only way there is under your control? Fear was rising in me again, with a fury I hadnt known in a long time. I began to shake, uncontrollably, and felt like I was freezing. I had become so frightened that I was unable to continue. Aranon rose from his chair and knelt beside mine. He took my hands in his. All I felt was his warmth. That seemed to help a little. I looked into his face to see if I could decipher his true intentions, and saw only deep concern. Will you allow me to assist you with these feelings? He asked, and I could see that his eyes were glistening. Did he really care about me, or was this just another game to obtain my trust? How will I ever know what these people want? Theyre Aliens! How could they ever relate to my needs, let alone know what to do for me? My mind was going round and round, and my fear
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was an angry animal eating me up from the inside out. Aranon grasped my hands more tightly and then, in a commanding voice said, Christy, look at me! Look at me now! No-o-o-o-o! I cried, shutting my eyes and struggling to get free of his grasp. Dont, dont make me! I began to struggle even more and he let go of my left hand, and pressed the palm of his right hand on my forehead, and suddenly everything faded to black. When I woke I found myself on a slick hard surface. I looked up and above me, in mid air, hung a huge, highly polished crystal slab that appeared to be about the same size as the table upon which I lay. I could see my reflection in the surface of the slab above me and to my shock, I was stark naked! Then, before I had time to react to this awareness, the upper slab began to glow, with pulsing light and then it descend toward me. I was certain that I would soon become nothing more than a smear on some giant microscope slide. As the slab got closer and closer I could feel my body lift off the table I was on and I became suspended between the two slabs of crystal. Then, as I hung suspended, I felt electrical shocks run through my body, and I tried to scream.
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Nothing happened. I couldnt open my mouth, I couldnt make a sound, I couldnt move. I could see what was going on, I could feel what was going on, but I could not respond in any way. My only thought was, Well, now, I guess they have discovered how to control me. Then, as more shocks coursed through me, I thought, This is it, Im gonna die. Ill never see Earth again. Ill never see my family again. Oh God, why? Suddenly, the overhead slab began to rise and slowly my body lowered to the surface of the table. Aranon appeared beside me, his face filled with compassion. You are going to live, he said, giving me a soft smile. I had someone bring you the clothing from your room, so that you can feel more comfortable. Dont worry, you are completely safe, in spite of what your fear is telling you. He placed the clothing over me, as though honoring my modesty, and walked out of the room. I sat up and looked at the one-piece jumpsuit, much like what Marjorie was wearing when she visited me. There were no zippers, no buttons, and no openings big enough to get into the suit. Frustrated, I pulled on the material, which stretched with very little effort. After a few moments of confusion, I realized that I could stretch the neck opening big enough to slide my legs into it and the pull it up my body. It fit like skin, yet wasnt tight on my body. I felt warm enough, but not too warm. The material was soft
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against my skin and there were no places where it was too loose or too tight. It seemed as though it was made just for me, just my size. I stood, with the jumpsuit on, but still bare footed, looking around me for a possible way out of this room. As I began to investigate more thoroughly, a door appeared and Aranon stood in the hallway. I see you figured out how to put it on, he said, grinning, Shall we go? I need shoes, I replied, looking down at my bare feet. Ah, of course, he said, moving to a large control panel and rapidly touching keys. A beep sounded and he went to what looked like another food synthesizer, except it was bigger, and opened the door. He removed a pair of what looked like pool shoes. They seemed to be fabric, with a little tread on the bottom. He handed them to me. How do you know they are my size? I asked. Looking them over. Our system just scanned and measured every part of you, I am sure it has your shoe size. Try them on, he said, grinning. He pulled a seat over for me to sit down on while I put them on. They slid easily onto my feet, and seemed to mold to their form. I got up and walked around. They were like having no shoes on at all! They supported my arch, and cushioned my feet in all
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the right places. I smiled broadly at him, feeling as though I had been given a wonderful gift. Youre right, I said, they fit perfectly! I am glad to see that you are feeling a little better, he said, as we entered the hallway. Was what I just went through, in that room, that physical exam that you were all talking about? Yes, he replied, and we also did a little energy balancing on your bodys energy centers as well. From the disparity I saw on the readouts, your energy system was out of balance, and that may have had something to do with your heightened emotional state. Hopefully, you will continue to improve from this point on. He smiled again, and nudged me toward the correct hallway at the intersection we had reached. So, when do I get to go Top Side? I asked, hoping to see more of this place than just rooms and hallways. Not until we have done some work on stabilizing your emotional system, he replied. He stopped and opened a door. It was my room. I would like to begin that soon. He closed the door as I entered. Are you hungry? He asked. I had a steak and baked potato a while ago, I think. I cant keep track of time here. That was yesterday, according to your Terran timetable. I
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think you should eat something now. He went to the food synthesizer and then turned to face me. Any preferences? He asked. Oh, it knows me now, I replied, joining him. Marjorie introduced us. Great! he said, turning toward the door, then you can order up a meal, and I can go do some planning for our next session. He waved his hand and the door opened. Enjoy your meal, Ill be back soon, he said, as he walked through the door and was gone. I stood before the synthesizer thinking of what I would like. Of course, my inner desire ran toward ice cream sundaes and chocolate cake, but my reason told me to eat a balanced meal. After some thought I finally decided on fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy, a garden salad with extra tomatoes and bleu cheese dressing, green beans and a large glass of chocolate milk. When it arrived, I took my plate over to the communications center and began perusing the library. I found a place where you could ask for any book on a list that was too long to calculate, all sectioned out by author, by title, by genre, and by subject. There had to be a million books in there! I went to the main menu by touching the words on the bottom of the screen. The main menu contained a whole bunch of interesting stuff, but one heading
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jumped out at me: Ancore Station. I touched that one and was presented with another list of topics. There was one that said History so I touched that one. Up came another menu, and on the bottom it said Visual-Commentary, so I touched that one. Suddenly, the screen changed and I was looking at some sort of movie, which began in deep space. I ate while the story of Ancore Station unfolded on the screen before me. The development of Ancore Station spanned three Earth centuries, after its original inception, which began with the dream of Loki Amok, one of the original founders of the Universal Brotherhood Of Enlightenment. It began with the discovery of a location that was identified as a space-time junction, where a jump gate could be constructed that could provide access to nearly every space-time coordinate in the Central Commons. This would, in itself, provide access to nearly all the known universe with the use of bounce ports, capable of bouncing a gate signal as much as 500 light years in any direction in space-time. Loki Amok envisioned a station that could monitor all spacetime coordinates for evidences of inner development within sentient beings, and then rescue promising individuals whose lives were about to be terminated due to unfortunate circumstances. His dream was to give these individuals an opportunity to extend their lives beyond those circumstances and
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to then train them in the Art Of Enlightened Thinking. Then, once that training was complete, those individuals could be returned to their planet of origin, with no memory of the event and yet taking the seeds of enlightenment with them, with the hope of germinating a Universal Awakening. Few have seen the vision as completely as Loki Amok, but many find the continuing work of Ancore Station to be the benchmark in exobiology and interplanetary relations. The real beginnings of Ancore Station came when a rogue planet of acceptable dimensions was relocated within the center of the space-time junction. As luck would have it, there were two, G-type stars, in just the right proximity to provide the heat and light necessary to make habitable conditions on the new planet possible. The long task of terraforming then began. For an Earth century, the planet remained a frozen rock, while engineers worked to develop the ecosphere by adjusting the planets gravity, heating the inner core to produce volcanism and transferring gigatons of water, in the form of ice, from glacial planets and asteroids near and far. Christy watched as the movie showed; in such detail that she was certain it couldnt be faked; the relocating of the planet and the work of the engineers as they adjusted the gravity with complicated machines as big as a city. She watched as tons of
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water flowed literally out of nowhere, only to refreeze into giant icebergs. She paused only long enough to take a bite of chicken and mashed potatoes. After the first century of work, the planet began to transform, first into an ice world, and then slowly into a habitable planet. Then came the building of The Station. Long before the surface of planet itself was habitable, Ancore Station was up and running. The Station was built within the planet, first as a series of tunnels, hermetically sealed and made as habitable as any space going craft, and then as a network of domes, which provided access to the, yet uninhabitable, surface. In the third century after its inception, Ancore Station was finally able to expand to the surface outside the domes, due to the development of an ecosystem of living and nonliving components. Soon there were oceans, forests, and plains teeming with life. The possibility of tides and weather systems became a reality, made possible by the insertion of three moons, strategically placed, within stationary orbits. Today, Ancore Station is not only the largest rescue and training center for humanoid Workers In The Light, but also the favorite vacation spot for thousands of enlightened individuals throughout the galaxy and beyond. Christy watched as the film showed sandy beaches,
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populated by smiling individuals, forests filled with exotic animals and birds, and ending finally, with a shot of a small child, grinning from his perch atop an animal that looked like an Earth type elephant, while background music swelled with the emotional strains of a piece by Beethoven. She was in awe, trying to calculate the amount of technology, and energy it had taken to create this place where she sat eating fried chicken with no fat and no cholesterol. She wondered how much an Earth scientist would give for just a smidgeon of the knowledge and technology it took to build this place. As she finished her meal and took the plate and utensils back to the synthesizer, the door opened and Aranon entered. I am glad to see that you have finished your meal, he said, closing the door with a wave of his hand and walking toward the conversation area. I guess we can get started then, all right? He seated himself in one of the chairs and awaited my response. And what is it exactly that we are going to do? I asked, feeling a momentary twinge of fear settling into the pit of my stomach. Come sit, he said, patting the seat next to him in the conversation area. Ill explain it as best I can. I went over and seated myself, still feeling that wariness that was so ever-present in my dealings with others, especially large
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adult males. I am sorry that I get scared so easily, I mumbled, still finding it difficult to look him in the eye. Ive almost always been scared, even before I got here, so dont think it is your fault. I dont believe in the concept embodied by the term fault, for when you trace the series of events that caused a condition or situation back to its First Cause it always ends up in the same position, The Dawn of Creation, The Creators first words, Let there be Light, and so all things occur in accordance with what The Creator envisioned. We all have the capacity to live in harmony with all of creation, harming no one, rejoicing in everyone. The challenge to obtaining that capacity lies in how willing you are to embrace yourself and your experiences, fully, with gratitude and acceptance, and then glean the power held within them for the purpose of serving others. We cannot realize our full potential until we have cleared away all of the blockages that restrict the flow of light into our lives. He paused for a moment, perhaps gauging if I understood or not. My gaze was in my lap, where it generally was when I was being lectured. You do understand, he began again, that our greatest desire is to assist you in helping yourself, dont you? Yeah, I guess, I replied, still not quite certain, but hoping it was true. We have the technology, but its you that must be willing to
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do the work. Okay, but what do you want me to do? I asked, getting frustrated by this whole scene. Are you willing to do as I ask, as long as I can explain it to you in terms you understand? he asked, reaching out and touching my knee. I would prefer that you look at me, so that our communication is complete. Okay, Christy? I looked up, still wary of his eyes. Im not going to look into your mind, please dont rob me of the pleasure of looking at your face. He smiled. Yeah, I quipped, some pleasure! Like maybe just a notch above revolting! His face changed, and he looked saddened. You dont really believe in that image of yourself, do you? What? I said almost hotly. Can you imagine this face in a Hollywood movie in any other role than Extra? My gosh, I scare myself every time I comb my hair, which by the way is something I want to talk to you about. I need a mirror. I cant comb my hair without a mirror. I drew a sad face and looked back into my lap. You are very good at reframing a conversation to meet your needs! Laughed Aranon, his face filled with merriment. Thats going to be a very handy talent one day. I looked at him with confusion. What? What did I do? Suddenly I realized that I had changed the subject, so I guess I really knew what he meant.
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Okay, he said, still smiling, Lets get back on point. Anything that blocks the flow of light into your life needs to be looked at, and that includes your image of yourself. The best place to begin looking for the etiology of the blockages that impede the flow of Light into your life, would probably be your birth, he said, getting up. He walked over to the oval pool. Through the magic of bio-symbiotic technology, the two of us can visit the events surrounding your birth. Oh yeah? I asked, intrigued, How? Well, this pool contains a living organism that has the capacity to interface with your neural network and then broadcast signals that can be translated into neurological impulses, he reached down beside the pool and picked up an object that was unrecognizable to me. By using this. He held up what looked like a large gem. This is my interface with what is being broadcast. It looked like a crystal, bright red, like a ruby, but oddly shaped. It fits into this slot. He turned and showed me an unusual opening in the back of his neck. This taps directly into my neural network, and picks up the broadcast from the pool and thus from within your neural network. What happens at that point is that we are totally connected, seeing the same images, thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same feelings. At that point, I will guide your consciousness toward the memory of your birth, which
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believe me, is still there, and we will experience it together. Ah, what keeps me from drowning? I asked, realizing that there was no breathing apparatus for me to wear. It isnt water, Christy, its a symbiotic organism. One of its processes is to turn carbon dioxide into oxygen. You breath it in, like you would air, and it will supply oxygen to your body. I reached into the pool and moved my fingers through the seeming liquid. It wasnt thicker than water, but it was definitely thicker than air. Thats gonna be hard to breathe, I said, beginning to feel scared. I know he could see the fear on my face. He gave me a compassionate look. You didnt think I was just going to toss you in, did you? He asked, soothingly. You have to be trained to use the pool, and we will do as much training as it takes for you to be comfortable doing this. I just want you to know, that our goal in doing this is to return to key events in your life, and experience them together. So when do I begin this training? I asked. As soon as you are ready, he replied, with a gentle look.
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Five
I stood beside the pool, dipping my hands in the solution and thinking about all that I had heard seen and experienced, within the last few hours. I still had no proof that this wasnt some kind of elaborate hoax. Maybe I had really lost my marbles and I was lost in a dream world of my own making. But, if this were a dream or a hoax, where did this technology and this strange philosophy come from? Certainly not from my own subconscious, because I had never thought of these things before, never heard of them before. This was back in the late 60s, where the focus of society was on the Viet Nam war and the Hippies, with their free love and their
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drug culture. I have to admit that I may have developed the whole thing out of the Star Trek shows I had watched, but then, why? Then again, where did the strange philosophy come from? I had never thought of what Aranon had said a few moments ago, and yet, it sure did make sense. So, if I was somehow smart enough to think all this up, then there must be a reason for doing it, and if I am dreaming this up, then I wouldnt harm myself with it, at least not with such a loving philosophy guiding me through it at the hands of these incredible characters I have dreamed up. So, if I am going to discover why I created this fantasy, or why this incredible thing is happening to me, I will need to utilize what is being made available to me, either by my inner self, God, or by these benevolent beings, willing to experience my pain with me, in order to help me to see my way though it. Maybe even past it. If this truly is my deepest desire, to understand and to help others to understand, then why not just give in and learn about myself? Aranon had been sitting quietly, allowing me my thoughts, but now he shifted in his seat and said, How would you like to see Top Side? I thought I was in quarantine, I replied, excited by the possibility that I might see a whole new world that was actually created by beings like me. Well, maybe they were a lot more
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advanced than me, but they were People. We took care of that with the examination. He looked as if he were waiting for an answer. Yes! I said, jumping up. Can we go now? No, tomorrow, after you sleep. Okay, so can I go to sleep now? I was hoping that you might get acquainted The Meathos, he replied, getting up and joining me at the pool. That is what the organism in the pool calls itself. He bent and moved his hand through the solution. It talks? I asked, feeling strangely uneasy. It communicates, said Aranon, and pointed to the hole in the back of his neck. This is called an interface in your language. I received my interface when I became, as you would say, ordained by the Universal Brotherhood. I have learned a great deal from The Meathos since then. Okay, I said cocking my head in disbelief, and what did it tell you? They taught me that all things are part of the Greater Plan, no matter how difficult, no matter how challenging. His face was pensive, as he attempted to put into words, concepts and ideas that he knew were alien to me. They have taught me that life is infinite, and that death is an illusion.
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Oh yeah? I quipped, You seen Arlington Cemetery? Have you ever driven an automobile? He asked. Yeah, so? I quipped again. When you stepped out of that vehicle, did your life continue? Well thats debatable, but I guess so. What are you getting at? Your present body is merely a vehicle. What makes you who you are just uses that body to obtain experience, to travel through the physical plane, to communicate with others who are also traveling on the physical plane. The most important purpose for the utilization of a physical vehicle is to imbue matter with light and love. Eventually, we learn to transcend the physical, while at the same time choosing to utilize it, to assist in drawing all conscious beings toward greater Enlightenment. I just stood there, stricken dumb by the sudden clash of my religious upbringing with this simple explanation of life and death that made so much more sense. Something in me made a connection that day that changed the course of my life. Can I go to bed now? I asked, feeling overwhelmed with all of the thoughts and feelings going on within me that I didnt understand. He chuckled, as though my request was a joke. Why dont
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you climb into the pool and just sit down, he said. You dont have to submerge your head, just sit in the pool for a few minutes and get acquainted with The Meathos. Will they communicate with me too? They might, he smiled, his eyes twinkling, or they might just put you in touch with yourself. He winked. Do I have to get undressed? Nope, they can penetrate that material quite easily. You will feel, at first, as though you are in warm water, but you will know its not water. He took my hand and led me over to sit on the edge. Just dangle your feet in. It doesnt matter if you take off your shoes or not. I took off my shoes, twirled around and dropped my bare feet into the pool. I could see ripples, but there was no splashing, no sound as I moved my feet back and forth in it. There was a light drag to it, but not as much of a drag as water would have produced. I swam a lot and I knew this was lighter than water. As I let my feet come to rest, the substance began to glow around my feet, like the heat of my feet was being translated into light by the substance and radiated about an inch from my skin. I edged off the side of the pool and let myself slowly drop into the substance. The pool wasnt very deep. I discovered that I could attain a sitting position with my head and shoulders out of
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the substance. Once I got situated, I looked down and saw a blazing aura, all around the part of my body that was submerged. It was blazing, like a fire, but the colors were different than fire. The colors were blue, green and gold. It was hypnotizing. Is it communicating with me? I asked, Is that what all these colors are for? Well, I suppose The Meathos is getting to know you, feeling you out, so to speak, he replied, watching the colors as they shifted and changed, and they are telling me a few things about you through signals that I have become accustomed to interpreting. Oh yeah? I asked, like what? They say that you have a gentle spirit, he said, watching the changing display. They say that you have a high level of intelligence, and that you are very kind to species that are not like you. You mean, like Im kind to animals? I asked. Well thats true. I like taking care of any creature that lets me. I moved my hands through the substance, imagining myself petting a little creature that could feel I meant it no harm. Suddenly the substance began to glow brightly around my hands, and I was thinking that maybe Meathos was feeling this and responding to it. I closed my eyes and started imagining that I was sending love
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into the whole pool; I imagined myself embracing The Meathos, as though it were a being that could feel my embrace. When I opened my eyes, Aranon had a most astonished look on his face, and as I looked around me, the whole pool glowed with the most glorious violet pink, the color was beyond description, but the sensation was electric! I cant remember ever feeling such love and acceptance. Everywhere The Meathos touched me, I felt petted, hugged, protected, and cared for. Wow! I exclaimed, looking back up at Aranon. I think it likes me! Indeed, he replied, still looking astonished, and then a soft smile began to flow across his face. I dont believe I have ever seen such a response on the first encounter. Is that good? I asked, feeling as though I had finally done something right. Yes, he said, very good, and very unusual. You might do well as a guide one day. You have an unusual capacity to communicate your Light. You know, Im not scared anymore, I said, thinking I would like to feel more of The Meathos, because it was pleasant as well as exciting. Would it be okay for me to just go ahead and lay down in the pool? Well, he said, hesitantly, his face clouding with
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apprehension, Are you sure you want to do that? Is there something you havent told me? I think there are things we need to discuss. Like what? Do you want to remain there while we discuss things, he asked, or would you like to come out, just for a little contrast? Do you understand what I mean? Yeah, I said, I guess. I was really not looking forward to getting out of the pool. It was so comforting, so nurturing. I understood why he wanted me to get out. He wanted to talk to me, not me and Meathos. I reached up for his hand, and he assisted me in getting out. None of The Meathos clung to me, like water would. My clothes emerged from the pool dry, as did the rest of my body. Dry, and yet somehow cleansed, my skin felt softer, and there was a pleasant scent about me, like lilacs. How do you feel, he asked, now that you are out of the pool? He seated himself in his chair, and motioned for me to be seated. Clean, I replied, thinking about how I was feeling, in my body, in my emotions. And refreshed, I added. I sat down and leaned back in the chair, feeling much more relaxed than I had since I arrived here. And sleepy, I said, closing my eyes.
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Gosh, when was the last time I slept? Certainly not since before I arrived here. The effects of the pool seemed to have had a tranquilizing effect on me. I was actually starting to drift off when Aranons voice tugged me out of my reverie. Would you like to rest? he asked. You have been awake for an extended period of time. I think I would like to sleep for a while, I said, my eyelids feeling heavy and my thoughts getting foggy. I think that would be a good idea, and when you awaken, we can go Top Side, just for a change of pace. He got out of his chair, and I was aware of him moving toward me, but it was as if I was drugged, and unable to respond, or even open up my eyes. I wasnt frightened, just so very tired. I was aware of him picking me up, like a little child, and carrying me to the bed. He pulled the covers back while cradling me on the crook of his left arm, as though I were an infant he was putting to bed. Then he laid me in the bed and put the cover over me. He leaned down and whispered into my ear, just before he left. You can visit Meathos in your dreams, you know, he whispered. Dream with Meathos. I heard him walk across the room and leave. Gently, I slipped into a soft and gentle place, filled with violet
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light and voices singing a soft, sweet melody. I felt so accepted, so loved. And then an angel came and taught me how to fly and together we visited Heaven. I awoke with Aranon standing over me, gently shaking my shoulder. Oh Wow! I said, sitting up like I had been startled. What happened? You fell asleep, he chuckled. No, after that! I said excitedly. I went somewhere, somewhere beautiful. An angel took me. My eyes were fixated on the wall in front of me, but my minds eye was traveling above the clouds and past the stars. Glimpses of what I had seen flashed in my mind. Aranon sat down on the bed. He was smiling. So, you went with The Meathos? He asked. I knew you would. He gave a short laugh and said, You may not even need an interface to work with Meathos. He continued to grin. I went with Meathos? I asked feeling excited. I know I was dreaming, but it seemed so real! Tell me about it while you still remember, he said. He reached out and lightly touched my forehead, brushing my hair
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aside with his fingers and my thoughts cleared. An angel came to me, I began, she was very beautiful. What did she look like? She looked human, like you and me, but she was surrounded by a sorta mist-like stuff. She had long golden hair and she could fly. And did she give a name? Yeah, Meestra. Ah, he mused, I believe we have met. Did she teach you to fly? Yeah, I said, howd you know? I gave him a suspicious glance and then continued. Then we flew to this fantastic place, like Heaven, where everyone we met just radiated love and joy. I cant remember everything, but I think thats because I wasnt supposed to. I think I learned a whole lot of things, really fast, and that I will remember them as I need too. I think you are probably right, he said, getting up. Ready for an excursion to Top Side? He seemed like a little kid, leaving for Disneyland. Can I eat first? I asked, his excitement rubbing off on me. Shouldnt I shower, change clothes, stuff like that. And by the way, I still need a mirror. You shouldnt need to shower or change if you used the
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mister on the commode. Ok, I said, but my hair is a mess, and I dont have a comb or a mirror. All right, he said with a gentle smile, lets take care of that right now. He went to the synthesizer and said, Synthesize one mirror, sticky-back, eight by ten. A moment later it beeped and he removed a mirror. Put it anywhere you want it, just stick it to the wall and it will stay. He handed it to me and I took it into the bathroom and pressed it to the wall. As I looked at myself, I was astounded how shiny my hair was, how soft. But it did need combing. As I returned to the nutrition area, Aranon handed me a comb. Do you want to order your own breakfast? He asked. Synthesizer, I said, I want two eggs, over easy; two slices of bacon, crisp; hash browned potatoes, crispy, but not greasy; and a 10 ounce mug of coffee with a tablespoon of honey stirred into it; and I want it all on a tray thats easy to carry. Aranon chuckled, at my order. Youve got this down, dont you? He said. What do you mean? I asked, opening the door and then taking my tray to the table. You are very precise with the least amount of verbiage. That is a very good talent. One day, that is going to help you a
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great deal. When? I asked, chomping on my bacon. I cant give you a precise date, he said, shaking his head. Then he smiled broadly, but I would venture to say that it will be when you have dedicated yourself to helping others. He winked. Why would that be? I asked, still chewing hash browns and eggs. Because at that time you will gain access to your greatest potential.
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Six
After I had finished my breakfast, Aranon took me on a long trek through hexagonal hallways. He said we were going to the jump-port, something like a train station, or a bus depot on earth. We must have walked for miles, through the maze of hallways, never seeing anyone. Where is everybody? I asked. Okay, I admit it, he said after a long silence. He gave me what might be considered a sheepish look. I asked to have the hallways cleared for our passage. Why? Am I still in quarantine?
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No, but I thought that we would be more comfortable on our journey by having the hallways clear. I dont understand, I said, Why did you have the hallways cleared, really? I was feeling as though he were trying to keep me from seeing something, from learning something. I began to feel a little angry, and even a little frightened. Why are you keeping me separate from everyone? Im not, really, its just that this is a very busy place and there are individuals here that come from racial origins that might be somewhat startling to you. No! I stopped and stamped my foot. I want to see the other races! I want to prove to myself once and for all that this is not a dream! I was adamant. Okay, he said, touching a stud on his belt, but dont say I didnt warn you. He gave me a wink. Within seconds the hallways filled with bustling people. We were jostled and shoved along on the tide of moving bodies. Aranon grabbed my hand, but then a small being that looked like a really furry six-year-old child came out of a door and he or it inadvertently split us up. Aranon had to jostle his way to me, as I stood still in the moving throng. When he reached me, he picked me up like a father picks up his toddler, and rested my behind on his forearm so that I could take in the sights. Now my head was at
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his level, and not in a sea of legs punctuated by small, scurrying things. Most of the beings in the hallway were tall like Aranon, but there were also lots of people who looked like they just got off a plane from Road Island, or Ohio. They were just regular people. Then there were the unusual little beings, about the size of a five or six year old, only ape like, covered with fur and quite adept at maneuvering within the sea of legs. Tell me about the furry ones, I asked Their bodies are the genetic results of a harsher environment than you or I had to survive in. They are very intelligent, and they are also one of the most psychic races we have yet to encounter. They have a natural capacity for clairvoyance, clairaudience, psycho-kinesis, teleportation, and bilocation. Wow! I bet they had to develop those talents in order to survive in that harsh environment, huh? I asked. Very perceptive, he responded, with a gentle smile. The more you reveal yourself to me, the more precious you become. He gave me a quick and gentle hug. I will not shield you from anything, anymore. Thats a promise. We had entered into a huge room, like Grand Central Station, which I am only familiar with through movies. There were
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levels above us, as we stood at the bottom of a gigantic well that extended all the way to what appeared from the bottom to be blue sky, with clouds. Is that the sky? I asked, excited. Yes, he replied, but you are seeing it through a clear dome, at the top of this hub. Yeah, I said, I guess you dont want it raining down here, you would have to start using gondolas. I giggled at the strange look he gave me. Ah, he said, flooding from rain water, I see. Well, just recently it has become a community debate as to whether to open the station to the atmosphere or not. Whats your take on it? My take? The way you see it, I said. How do you think it should go? Thats difficult to answer. There are pros and cons on both sides of the proposal. I think if they decide to open the hubs to the atmosphere, they should do it gradually. I think everyone should be encouraged to spend time Top Side, getting used to the atmosphere, and the shifts and changes that occur as the result of weather systems. Its not just the rain, for we can shelter the hubs from precipitation. It is probably healthier to take on the
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rhythms of the planet on which you live, but being that there are a myriad of other world races in residence here, those rhythms could be difficult to get used to, as opposed to the controlled conditions within the station. Yes, I said, I can see what you mean. You can? He asked, bouncing me on his arm, as though I was a little child. I have been trying to communicate it to others in the community for months with little success. What are they, morons? No, he said, laughing, probably at the word I used. Not at all. They are all very intelligent, but when you have a group of individuals of varying backgrounds, perceptions and paradigms, all seeing the situation from their own positions, while unable to relate to those of their neighbors, it is difficult to communicate a simple idea. So why not have your furry little psychic friends communicate the idea to the others, each from their personal perspective? You know, being psychic, they can interpret and then maybe translate the thoughts and feelings of one group to the thoughts and feelings of the other group, so that each can connect with their neighbors on a gut level. I thought about this for a second and then shook my head. Well, maybe they could, but the truth is, Im just talking to hear
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myself talk. I dont know anything about the situation, or what the furry guys can do. I hung my head in shame, realizing I had been trying to give advice to a being so much more evolved than myself, that I had been stupid to think I had any insights of importance. Actually, you gave me a couple of ideas. He said. Thank you. He carried me toward a frame, like a doorframe, only hexagonal, that stood on a raised platform in the center of the hub. We are about to go through the jump port, he said, and I could see throngs of people walking through the frame, but not through the frame. There were people coming out the other side, but not the same people who walked through from the other. I couldnt really see this until we got close enough, which tells you how big this room was. As we approached the port I could see the people ahead of us vanish, while another group suddenly appeared on the other side. Oh my God! I cried as we approached the frame. I hid my face against his chest. There was a momentary sense of prickliness, and then Aranon was chuckling again. I thought you wanted to see Top Side. He said this while still chuckling under his breath. I looked around and recognized that we were now under a
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dome, and the suns shown brightly in the sky. Two suns! There was no doubt in my mind now that I was on an alien planet! The dome itself was like a city, and it was at least five miles across. Aranon walked away from the jump frame, and toward what looked like a regular sidewalk, on any city street, unless you looked up that is. Once we reached the sidewalk, he put me down. That was fun, I said, smiling up at him. Im glad you liked it, He said, patting me on the head. I was beginning to get a complex. There was no getting around the fact that he made me feel like a small child. Then I thought about it and realized that in a way I was a child to him. A somewhat intelligent child, but a child from his point of view none the less. So this is Top Side, I said, nonchalantly, trying to make conversation. Part of it, he replied, gently squeezing my shoulder with his huge hand, but not the newest part. He guided me around a corner and toward the edge of the dome nearest our position. We are actually going outside the dome. I have this feeling that you would like to see the seashore. Oh yes! Yes! I said excitedly. But I have this feeling we should have worn back packs and canteens, because this is going to be a very long walk.
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Actually, no. He gave me a sideways grin. The longest walk we will have to take is to the airlocks and back. Just outside the airlock, we are picking up a vehicle. He stressed the word vehicle. I gave him a questioning look and he winked at me, and then moved his eyebrows up and down like Tom Selleck in Magnum PI. I laughed at his antics. He was being the perfect dad; big, strong, handsome and his huge hand always in contact with my shoulder or head, to maintain his supervisory position. So what kind of vehicles do you have here on Ancore? I asked, trying to ask intelligent, non-childlike questions. The most popular, he replied, giving me an indulgent smile, is what the Earthers call a Tri-Car. Why do they call it that? I asked. I could see that we were nearing the edge of the dome, and I could see a large door, that appeared to be open. There were what appeared to be guards standing on either side of the door. Youll see. He smiled again, and noticed that I was staring at the guards. Something bothering you? He asked. I was wondering why you need guards on the doors when you are such an enlightened people? They are not guards, they are guides. They await those who would like to hike into the mountains, or explore the wilds, see the new animals that have been breeding for fifty years now. The
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folks here are not accustomed to leaving the dome except in vehicles, on planed and protected roadways. They have been protected for too long. We are now encouraging the populace to take prolonged excursions, providing guides who are also part of the wildlife production team, who know where specific breeds reside. They take willing participants on tours where they can picnic beside a brook, and watch deer graze, or they can climb a mountain, camp for the night on the top and then climb down the next day. We are reacquainting ourselves with nature. We had reached the gate. Aranon nodded to the guides flanking the doorway and we walked passed them and out into the hot sun! Jeeze, I forgot how hot it got out in the sun! Aranon continued on toward what looked like a standard flying saucer, right out of an Atomic Comic. It was somewhat oval shaped and hovered just above the hard packed dirt. It shone like a gem in the sun, and was a metallic pearl color, but even in the sun it had a bluish glow around it like a halo. As we approached it, I could see that there were no doors or windows, and as I followed him around the object, it appeared to be one solid thing, no seams, and no rivets, just the smooth, lustrous surface. Aranon stopped in his circuitous inspection and waved his hand and a door appeared and steps extended to the ground. Ladies first, he said, waving his arm in a flourish toward the
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steps. The steps were really large, but I managed to ascend them with a little help from Aranon. The ship was larger on the inside than it appeared to be on the outside. I know that sounds strange, but there was no denying that there was more space inside the vehicle than I could account for in our journey around it. For one thing, it didnt look big enough for Aranon, and yet when he entered the cabin, there was more than enough headroom for him. How can it be bigger inside than it is outside? I asked, looking around me in awe. There were bunks, and a nutrition center, a control center and a personal care center, all in compartments built around the periphery of the ship. In the center was a circular pedestal, the top of which was flat and glowed a blue green that lit up the cabin. Because space is relative, just like time, he said. The organism that makes up the ship, has its own space-time affinities, which often differ from its outer projections. Yeah, right. I walked around inside the central cabin, looking into the compartments, and then moved toward the pedestal in the central cabin. As I approached it I could see that there was some sort of light above it, shining down on it and maybe what made it glow. Whats this for?
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Thats part of the guidance system. Its a three dimensional, positional map projector. Okay, I said looking him in the eye, but what is that? Yes, he replied, his look said he was doing some quick thinking. I think it would be best just to show you, he chuckled. He waved his hand over some lights on the side of the pedestal and suddenly a hologram formed between the flat surface of the pedestal and the light above it. I walked around it to see the whole thing. There were blue lines, and red lines, and graphics that I didnt understand in green and yellow and white. This white spot here, with the blue outline is the tri-car. Aranon pointed to the white spot. Beneath that, he drew his finger down to the graphic in green, is Ancore. Now, watch the display as I move the vehicle up about a thousand feet. He went to the control center, waved his hands and touched his fingers to squares of light, and the door we had used to enter the craft disappeared. Ok, watch the spot. I looked at the hologram and then even before my eye could register it, it had moved. It moved, I said, but I didnt feel anything. In fact it moved so fast that if that was us, why arent we flattened on the floor? Remember, the space within the ship is at a different spacetime coordinate. He waved his hand and the wall in front of the
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control center became a window. Come on over here and take a good look, he smiled and waved at one of the seats in front of the control panel. I walked over to the control center and peered out the window. Am I really seeing this, or is this some sort of projection too? Damned good projection though. I could see the clouds moving in the sky, trees and mountains further ahead, and off to the side, a lake with boats on it. I was transfixed by the beauty of the scene. This is what is visible from the skin of the ship, replied Aranon. Remember, it is an organism, and it sees with all of itself, and when requested, will show what it sees, from any position on the ship. I usually have it show me right here, because this is sort of the pilots seat, he grinned. Would you like to see the stars? Sure! I said, taking the seat beside him. Even before I got situated, we were already far above the planets atmosphere. I could see the curve of the planet on a background of black velvet strewn with a billion glowing gems. I could see weather systems forming whirls on the planet below. I could see seas and continents, nothing like Earth. If I was making this all up, then it sure was an intricate fantasy. Why am I here? I asked, feeling unworthy of such a vision.
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Ah, chuckled Aranon, the question for all times, all ages. No, I interjected, why am I here, at Ancore? I suppose because you were a known entity, and because you showed up on one of our scans appearing to be in danger of dispersing the atoms within your material vehicle. I dont see how that could be, I argued, I was only meditating. I know my teacher would never give me a meditation that would cause me harm. I drew a long face and felt tears welling up in my eyes. I knew Marty wouldnt harm me. I couldnt believe that he would ever give me a meditation that would cause my body to disperse. Maybe your teacher was unaware of your unique talents, he replied gently, touching my knee and giving me an understanding smile. I shook my head, and tried to imagine what talent I might have that could have caused this situation. I just couldnt imagine myself having the ability to scatter my atoms all over the universe even if that could, in the farthest reaches of the imagination, be a talent. How could being able to scatter my atoms all over the universe be a talent? The talent is not the capacity to scatter your atoms but rather in the capacity to relocate your physical vehicle without the
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use of outside assistance. The fact that you were unschooled in the use of this talent is what caused your precarious situation. Because of our previous contact with you, we were placed in the position of either taking responsibility for you or allowing you to disperse yourself and end your present life. We chose to take responsibility. I think it had something to do with the color of your light. I just read this book called All The Colors Of Darkness by Lloyd Biggle, Jr. In this book, people from other planets belonged to some sort of federation, but only if the color of their light or darkness was right. Earth had the wrong color of darkness. Is that what you are telling me, that you only help those with the right colors? Aranon looked at me, seemingly searching deep within himself for a reply. It was the first time that I felt a sense of uncertainty coming from him. I know that this will be difficult for you to understand, but unless the consciousness of an individual is sufficiently mature, it is impossible to communicate certain basic concepts that must be embraced by the individual in order for an acceleration in growth to occur. Can you teach an infant to drive a car? Maybe, I responded, if you take into consideration the necessity to accommodate its size and its physical limitations.
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Babies have been taught to do some very interesting things through the use of their strongest talent, suckling. I knew this because I had recently read an article on a study, using infants, in a magazine in a doctors office. Okay, he said, and I could see the wheels turning in his large head. But there are certain things, you will agree, that babies cant do, because they have not matured enough to do those things yet. He cocked his head and awaited my response. Sure, I said, feeing agitated at the direction he seemed to be going. But I wouldnt let a baby drown, simply because it hadnt learned to swim. Yes, and neither would we. What we look for is the color of your potential, not the color of your present development. Your potential is developed as the result of your past experience, your choices, your developmental direction. He paused and looked at me, the wheels still turning. Do you believe that there is such thing as evil? He asked. I dont, but I know a lot of people do. Tell me, why is it that you do not believe in evil? Okay, I said, thoughts and perceptions racing through my mind. From the religious point of view, if God created everything, out of Himself, then everything is good, because God is good. This is just basic logic. Again, from the scientific viewpoint, the
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physical universe is defined by its bi-polar nature, but the only difference between the poles is their aversion to one another. Neither pole is better, or more necessary. They are both of equal importance. From this I deduced that evil is a fantasy developed by some to control the many. It took me a while to get there, and yes, the voices in the tunnel assisted me in realizing this truth in my life. So, I guess you are responsible for my belief system. And there are others, he interjected, who are not yet at that point, but we can see that with a little guidance, they could be. We save those. We have populated three planets with them. Really? You bet! He said, winking at me in that sly way. So, you saved me because you knew I had potential? There ya go! He said, mimicking Marshal Sam McCloud of late 70s TV fame. I can see this in retrospect, although at the time I just thought he sounded hokie. Again, I shook my head and wondered about that meditation. But that still doesnt tell me why my teacher gave me that meditation. Tell me about your teacher, he said, with a gentle smile. He taught Modern Occultism, I said. Not Cultism, thats something else. The word occult means that which is hidden. After my experiences with the voices in the tunnel, I was looking
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for other individuals who embraced like concepts. Occultism, also known as Metaphysics, embraces any and all philosophies that free individuals from destructive or self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. Thats why I went there. I needed answers, and I got a few too. What answers did you get? Why we are here, what the bottom line is. Tell me, why are we here? He asked, leaning back in his chair. To help one another discover our truth. He looked me in the eye and smiled broadly and said, Very good! I like that. Its simple and yet right to the point. Okay, and what is the bottom line? If God is Love, and everything came from God, then all things, even the things we dont like or dont understand, are Love. Love is the bottom line, Love and compassion. There is no more attractive force in the universe than Love. That is what he taught me. He also taught me that if you like something, or want something in your life, feed it with your love and it will blossom and fill your life with joy. If you dont like something, or dont want something in your life, dont feed it with, even your attention, and it will die of starvation. Love is the force that draws us up, into greater understanding, and greater joy. Love is the bottom line. If
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you cant find that, you cant get free of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Tell me, did you tell this teacher of your experiences with the voices in the tunnel? Asked Aranon, and the look on his face was like none I had ever seen at that time, but today, I would almost say, it was like he had seen a ghost. Yeah, I replied, curious about his unusual look. Ah, he said, it was like he had made a discovery. And what was his reaction? He said, that when I understood what I was told, he hoped I would use it appropriately. And his name was? Martin Cutler, I said, but we all called him Master Marty. Its a long story. Uh huh, he said, his gaze off in never, never land. He may very well be one of ours.
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Seven
I finally started to put things together. If Marty was one of their transplants, it sure answered a lot of questions. Marty was good to me. He gave me flute lessons; he made a whole library of books available to me about shifting your consciousness, about the workers in the light; he invited me and four other individuals to dinner every Saturday night, after which we would have a class based on the book Treatise On Cosmic Fire by Alice Bailey. He must have had a lot of faith in me, or The Brotherhood, to give me a meditation that could send me in a billion directions. Suddenly, I began to feel as though I belonged here, as though I had actually
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been given a gift. How many other planets have you made? I asked, finally remembering that he was there. He smiled and gave a chuckle. I see you are ready to talk about something else, Yeah, well, if Marty sent me here, he must have had a reason, and I trust him, so I guess Ill trust you too. I figure I may as well learn something and have a little fun. I grinned at him, like a child aping in a mirror, tilting my head one way and then the other and he laughed out loud until his eyes became teary. Twenty eight, he said, still recovering from his laughter. We have terra-formed twenty eight planets, and out of that number twelve are habitable to Earthers. Five are training colonies and seven are, well, social experiments. What kind of social experiments? Are they harming people? I read about some of the experiments the Government has done on people, and what they did was despicable! I was angry that they were experimenting on people. Its nothing like that. We have encouraged those people to be themselves, to enjoy their lives, and to make whatever choices they decide upon. I guess the experiment part has more to do with our observation of certain mind sets in everyday practice. We only observe, we do not interfere. His statement sounded a little
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canned to me. Oh yeah, I said, feeling a little heated by my emotions. So what do you do, just observe them killing one another? If that is their choice. He looked right into my eyes, as if to say, there is more to this than you understand. Why? I asked. Why do you do this? To understand Earthers, to assist Earth in developing stronger societies. By studying the microcosm, we gain insight into the macrocosm. When we can see the details, we can see the whole picture more clearly. We want to understand what drives specific ethnic societies, what part religion plays in the development of the society, how certain mindsets determine the development of political and religious systems. We want to know what is detrimental to a peaceful society and what encourages brotherhood. We want to have our facts straight before we train our emissaries and return them to your planet. We want to send them back with tools that work. All this, just to help Earth? Why? I asked. Because Earthers have something unique that would be of great benefit to the Universal Brotherhood. Earthers hold the key to making a connection with those races, those planets that work in opposition to the Light. On your planet there was a seeding of races from outlaw planets. To be specific, in the beginning, your
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planet was a penal colony. It didnt start off that way. At first, it was just an interesting place to study as it had developed a wealth of life forms. Our predecessors knew, that eventually it would develop sentient life, so they sent a team to identify the species that would usher in that miracle. Unfortunately, the teams head biologist got carried away and began experimenting with the different species, attempting to see which one was the most likely to develop that capacity for sentient thought. He imposed his own genes and the genes of his crew members upon species that were not suited to sentience, as well as upon the simian species, the most promising of the species on Earth. As the result he created a sentient race before it was time for that race to evolve. Because of this, he and his team were convicted of racial tampering and sentenced to live that and all their future lives bound to the planet Earth, their karma now bound, inexorably, to this developing race and its evolution. For a time, other lawbreakers were also abandoned on Earth, but that stopped when it was recognized that this practice was also interfering with the planets native species natural evolution. We were all evolving in our sense of social responsibility at that time. And just how long ago was this? I asked. Your time? Oh roughly seven, eight million years ago,
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So, there was really life on earth before our so called human race evolved? Yes, he answered, but once it was voted to discontinue their supply of specialized equipment and food and let them fend for themselves they eventually de-evolved and were almost completely wiped out during your last ice age. Nevertheless, enough of the genetics from those transplanted races, from different planetary systems, survived to generate the five basic races that exist on earth today. This is why we have watched your planet for many millenniums and this is why we have a vested interest in redeeming the fruits of this past disaster. Within every failure lie the seeds of success. Hmm I said, thinking about all the racial unrest and all of the fighting and the war that was now raging in Vietnam. So you are trying to understand why we cant get along? I asked. We are fairly certain why your planets many races have difficulty finding the common ground upon which to develop a system of planetary cooperation. I waited for him to go on, and when he didnt I asked, Ok, why? That is not a simple answer, he said. Would you like to see the bottom of the ocean? You are pretty good at changing the subject too, I replied.
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Are you saying you dont wana tell me? No, but I thought you would like a change of scenery, something interesting to look at while I try to explain. Ok. I had barely said it when we dove toward the planet at what looked like a million miles an hour. In spite of the planet swelling rapidly on the transparent wall before us, there was no sensation of motion. Are you sure we are seeing what really is happening? I asked. Yes, he said. The ocean rushed toward us at an unbelievable speed and my heart began to pound in my throat and I was aware of the fact that I was making a groaning sound. As we hit the water I instinctively ducked, and Aranon chuckled. Ive always wanted to do that, he said. When I was recovered enough to look we were moving through the water at a more prudent speed, as fish darted to avoid our passage. Gosh! I said, still panting with fear, that was scary as hell! From what I have heard about Hell, he replied, grinning, Hell is a whole lot scarier. He leaned back in his chair but continued to look at me with that shit eatin grin on his face. What? I asked, feeling like some joke had been played on me and I just hadnt gotten it. I suppose I should apologize, he said, his countenance
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sobering. You were never really in any danger. He reached out and patted my knee. Shall we continue our discussion? Actually, I said. Sometimes I like to be scared. Its like a challenge, you know? I searched his face for some understanding and when I didnt see it I continued. Its like, I can walk through this scary thing, even if it isnt really gonna harm me; and when I do, I feel as though I have become stronger, more in control of my being. Ahhh, he said, placing his palms together, his face taking on a pensive look. After a few seconds he leaned forward as though he finally understood. Its why many people on your planet like to go to scary movies, or go to amusement parks and ride frightening rides! Yeah, I replied, smiling. Thats it! Yes, he said, flashing a knowing smile. I have experienced this myself. It also accompanies experiences that provide a real danger. It is a glandular function that prepares the body for action. Once you are in a position of safety, your glands secrete another hormone which produces a sense of euphoria. Are you saying its just a physical thing? I asked, feeling cheated out of what I thought were real experiences. Nothing is just physical, or just emotional, or even just mental. Learning to conquer fear, through the use of vicarious
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experiences is a valid tool. We learn about other societies by studying them from a distance first. We make important decisions based upon our sense of control, and this control can be learned vicariously through study and second hand experience, be that the teachers experience, or an authors experience, or an audiovisual experience. Some like the experience of being frightened, not just because it eventually produces hormones that make them feel invincible, but also because it strengthens ones sense of self, as well as ones sense of control. Ok, I said. So why cant the people on my planet get along? Ah hah! He said, smiling gently. Well, its a long story, but part of it has to do with those hormones of yours and the need to be in control. This was a gift from the simian race that was utilized to evolve sentience on your planet. Not that other races in the universe dont have this psychophysical component, but most dont have it to the degree that your planets races do. The ones that do are difficult to work with, which is why we are spending so much time and energy assisting the people of your planet in their psychophysical evolution. But I thought it was against some sort of law to interfere, I said. Well, I guess that is open to interpretation. There is no law that
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says we cannot interact if there is a possibility that the planets society will cause harm to neighboring planetary societies, and we can prevent a future disaster through minimal contact. How can you know what is going to happen? I asked Lets just say that we have the capacity to scan not only space, but time as well. So what does Earth do in the future that would cause problems for neighboring inhabited planets? I dont exactly know, he said, shaking his head, but it is thought that one of your societies developed some sort of explosive device that caused a chain reaction in your solar system which, in turn, caused a space time rift. You mean like a black hole? Not exactly, but nevertheless devastating to what you call the Milky Way. Wow! I sure am glad you decided to help us. Actually, our goal is to assist you in helping yourself. He winked. So, let me get this straight, the way we developed, this psycho-something component, was the result of those experiments done like eight million years ago? In essence, yes, he replied. Of course there is more to it than that. It is also because your planet was used as a penal
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colony, and the fact that the original research team was provided with specialized equipment and supplies for a time, which were abused by that team because they had nothing to loose. The scientists of the team thought that they could control the weather, but wound up destabilizing the planets poles, which finally resulted in a polar shift and then an ice age. Because the penal colonies were situated at great geographical distance from one another, each from a different planetary and racial base, they were like micro societies of their planets of origin. Then, each of the colonies had to fend for itself during the great tribulations of the polar shift, which caused incredible storms, floods and finally an ice age. As the result of this, the colonists, and finally the research team and their descendants were forced to mate with Earths native developing race, forming new races. What came of this was the development of seven root races, each containing the genetics, the social traditions and the spiritual focus of their native race plus many of the attributes of the varied races that were sent to Earth as prisoners, as well as the abandoned scientists. The scientists held their culture the longest, maintaining a high level of social and educational development. They had the capacity to survive the ice age, and were well on their way to taking complete control of the planet Earth. They were making
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great technological advances but there was a schism in their society between those who accepted their physical and spiritual destiny, and those who felt betrayed by the Universal Federation of Interplanetary Societies. The penal colonies had, by this time degenerated into savages, and the Enlightened Ones, the scientific culture that managed to maintain and even generate new and better mechanisms for controlling their environment had moved to a continent that no longer exists. Of course they interacted, from time to time, more near the time of their demise, and had created a few monuments to their expertise on other continents. Finally, a few centuries after the schism that split the culture of the Enlightened Ones, there was a great war. The spiritually oriented group immigrated to a place known in your geography today as the Gobi Desert. Back then it was not a desert, but rather a beautiful garden that stretched for thousands of miles. The war destroyed both cultures completely, which is why there are only five discernable races on your world in your time. The Gobi became a desert and the continent of Atlantis was totally submerged. The races that survived, the descendants of the penal colonies, were far flung and managed to maintain some of their social and racial heritage in spite of their incorporation into native races. It is the spiritual and ethnic mindsets of these
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individual racial core groups that finally developed into the nationalism that generates the basis for the struggles for world domination that plague your planet in your time. Let me ask you something, I said, my mind going a million miles per hour. Sure, but I cant guarantee that I have the answer. OK, I replied. Can you tell me which race is indigenous to Earth? Hum, he said, leaning back and placing his palms together, thinking. I guess if any race could be said to be closest to the indigenous race of the planet it would be the one you call the Negroid race. Their genetic structure is the closest to the samples we have of the original developing race at the time of our first encounters. Golly, I said, thinking about all the racial unrest and the terrible persecution of the blacks, for so long, in my own country. There would be a whole lot of noses out of joint if that could be proven to my people. Just think, while racists shout that the blacks should be sent back where they came from, the real truth is that the Earth was originally theirs, and those of us who are not black are, although maybe remotely, the real interlopers. What a kick in the pants! Aranon Laughed. Yes, I guess that could be one
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interpretation, he said. Nevertheless, because of the many millenniums of inbreeding, all who reside on your planet are genetically related and are by default indigenous to your planet. Still, their ancient heritage does include the genes and the social traditions from seven other planetary races. This is what gets in the way of your planets capacity to form a world government, or to accomplish complete social integration. You see, most planets arrive at the development of a singular planetary government, because most planets have societies that developed from a single race. Your planet is special in this regard. It has many races, and those races are derived from many of the planets that are now part of the Universal Brotherhood. In truth, your planet has been an experimental research project since the dawn of its sentience. Our involvement, The Universal Brotherhoods involvement is relatively new in the scheme of things, and our only desire is to unite all of Earths races in the spirit of commonality, and to raise the mean consciousness to the point where that commonality will not only be based upon genetics but upon the essence of each races spiritual connection to all of life. Ok, I said, feeling the fire of his convictions. So what can I do to help? You can discover the origins of your perceptual distortions
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and come to terms with them, thus releasing yourself to become that which you are genetically, emotionally and spiritually capable of becoming. Ok, I said, feeling frustrated by terms I didnt understand. What do I have to do to do this? You need to be willing to face the pain, the misunderstandings and the fear that has held those distortions in place, and then rebuild your thinking, your emotional response systems, and the pattern of your life so that you can assist in not only saving your world, but many others as well. Upon hearing this, I took in a deep breath and released it as a deep sigh. Its gonna hurt, isnt it? I asked, feeling scared and apprehensive. Yes, he said, touching my knee and giving me a sad but caring smile. But I will be there with you, feeling the pain and the fear with you and helping you to see the truth that underlies those experiences. Im afraid, I said, as tears flooded my eyes. The Meathos will protect you, he said, gently, encouragingly. The Meathos has connected with you, and that is rare. Youre special. Meathos told me this. I know that you can do this. You will have a lot of help. Trust us, we really do care. Ok, I said, but my fear didnt go away.
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Eight
I gazed out the portal for some time, watching schools of fish darting back and forth. It appeared that we had come to a dead stop. The water was a deep green and filled with life in a myriad of forms. Everything glowed with its own light. I was amazed by the florescent colors of an eel, as it flowed lazily by. Obviously, the ship did not represent a threat to the life around us. So, I said, breaking a long silence. You still havent shown me why they call this little ship a tri-car. Ah, yes. He gave me a big grin and a wink. Are you ready for another scary ride? I swear he was licking his chops. I guess I
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brought out the little boy in him because his countenance was one of mischievousness as he tapped the buttons that programmed the guidance system. Ok, I said, leaning back in my seat. Im ready. I gripped the sides of the chair and set my gaze on portal. Aranon Laughed and patted my knee. Dont worry, well survive it, he said, grinning broadly. Suddenly, we rose from the water and in a second we were far enough from the planet to see its entire disk. Then, the ship turned and we were headed for a small moon. As we approached it I could see that it was a lifeless barren chunk of rock. I could see craters and jagged crags. Soon it became apparent that we were headed straight for the hollowed out center of a crater. As it drew closer and closer, my heart began to pound in my throat and beads of sweat began to pop out of my face. Just before impact a low growl escaped my mouth and I threw my arms up to protect my head. After a few seconds, when there was no discernable impact, I lowered my arms and looked out the portal. Everything was black, including the ship, with the exception of the hologram map, which showed us smack dab in the middle of the moon. I looked back out the portal but could see nothing. Then, Aranon turned on the cabin lights and I could see veins and striations through the
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portal. We were actually traveling through solid rock! Then suddenly we were looking at the stars once again. Wow! I said, letting my breath out and realizing that I had been holding it all that time. So it goes through air, water and solid rock, right? No, it goes through substance, vacuum and one more aspect of physical reality. Can you guess what that might be? I take it we havent done that one yet. Correct. Hmm, I said, thinking. What was it the voices in the tunnel kept referring to? Einsteins theory of relativity, E=MC2. Now, what did that mean? Lets see, E is for energy, M is for mater, and C is for the speed of light. No, that didnt tell me anything. What else was there besides mater and vacuum? Shoot, I cant figure it out. What else is there? Time, my friend, time. Really? Well, I had been partly correct, as Einsteins Theory of Relativity is about space-time. I smiled to myself. Yes, he replied nodding and smiling as well. So, we could go back in Earths time and see what really happened? We could, he said, with a hesitance in his voice, but I think that we will save that for next time.
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So we have to go back now? Yes, he said, his face reflecting my disappointment. But I promise that this will not be the only excursion we take. There will be time. Time for you and time for me, and time yet for a hundred indecisions, and for a hundred visions and revisions, before the taking of a toast and tea. Ah hah! He said, smiling, T. S. Elliot, The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock, very applicable. I can understand why that particular poem has significance for you. Oh yeah? I asked. Why is that? He was right though; I found a personal connection in that specific poem, even though Im a girl. I should think your favorite line is; I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas. He smiled knowingly. Maybe, or maybe it is the line; for I have known them all already, known them all: Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons Im certain that much of that poem has deep significance for you. I know that you have experienced great personal trauma in your life and that you have felt lost and shattered as the result that trauma. Let us help you with that. Let us help you to release
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yourself from your past. If you can do that, I would be very glad. Im just not sure anything or anyone can do that, I replied, sullenly. But maybe we can. Maybe we can with the help of The Meathos. Will you trust me, and trust The Meathos? I like The Meathos, I said, brightening. I feel safe with it. Good, he replied, that is most important. I looked out the portal and realized that we were back, parked near the dome, not far from the gate. Aranon got up from his seat and I followed him. He opened the door and extended the stairs and then helped me down. We walked across the desertlike landscape to the gate, while the suns heat beat down on us. We walked passed a guide and he nodded at Aranon. Shall I clear our path, or do you want to mingle with the masses? He asked, once we were past the guide. Doesnt that interrupt other peoples lives? I asked. We are all here to facilitate the development of others. Our first priority is the comfort of those we serve. But everything those other people are doing then is to help others, right? True, he replied, smiling down at me. Then pick me up and lets just wade through all those people busy with important things. I smiled and then winked at him.
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He turned me around and picked me up around my waist and placed me on his shoulders. Comfortable? He asked. Yep, I giggled, grabbing the sides of his head and feeling like a kid at a picnic. He started down the sidewalk, his strides long and ambling. Within minutes I saw the gate, and after requesting his destination, we walked through, and I wasnt even scared. It was like walking through a doorway. Soon we were navigating through crowded hexagonal hallways. Suddenly, he stopped and waved his hand across a light in the wall and a door opened. I think we were back in my room, but how can I be sure? Maybe there were hundreds of rooms just like mine. He put me down and smiled as he closed the door. Are you hungry? He asked. I guess, I said, feeling as though something overwhelming was about to happen soon, and feeling braced inside as though there was to be some sort of physical impact. What would you like? He asked, stepping in front of the food synthesizer, and awaiting my response. You choose, I said, withdrawing within myself, as I have done so often when feeling frightened. Instead of speaking to the machine, Aranon pressed a few buttons and then when the beep sounded, removed a steaming
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plate of food and the utensils to eat it with. He set everything on the table and motioned for me to sit. I sat and looked at the plate of food. It was noting I could identify, but it smelled good so I ate it, silently. About half way through the meal, Aranon sat down across from me and asked what I thought of the meal. Its ok, I said, feeling dissociated from just about everything. I can say that it wasnt repulsive, but I was eating because I felt I should, not because I was interested in the food. You seem to be rather withdrawn, he remarked. Can you tell me why? I get feelings, I said, I dont know where they come from, but sometimes I get this feeling like something terrible is about to happen, and I get all tense inside, and then I just start shutting down, I dont know why. We dont have to start our work right away, if you are feeling frightened, he said, softly. His face showed deep concern. No, I replied, if you could help me with all these feelings I have, that would be a good thing. Obviously I cant help myself. At least I am not doing crazy stuff like I usually do when I am scared. Like what? He asked. Like screaming and crying and being really crazy, or just
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falling on the floor and rolling into a little ball. I do stuff like that, too. I dont seem to have much control over how I act when I am scared or under a lot of stress. I see, he said, reaching for my hand and taking it in his. His large hand enveloped my small hand, and again I felt like a small child. I felt overpowered by him at that moment, as though he were trying to control me. Something in me snapped and I pulled my hand away and pushed away from the table, moving to the other side of the room, inching toward the pool where Meathos resided. He didnt move from the table. He sat quietly, watching me, avoiding any threatening moves. I sat down next to the pool and slowly sank my hand into the pool, seeking the comfort of Meathos. As I did this, a sense of calm flowed through me. I could feel The Meathos calling to me. I could feel the love as it flowed into my hand and I relaxed. Slowly I moved into the pool. As I did so I could see Aranon move toward his special chair and plugging into the interface that would connect him to The Meathos. I remember submerging myself in the pool, and that first few moments of panic, as The Meathos flowed into my nose and my ears, and I was choking but couldnt sit up and get a breath of air. Just relax, Christy, dont fight it, said Aranons voice, calmly, softly. Let The Meathos take care of you.
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I relaxed, slowly, as The Meathos spoke to me, gently, lovingly, telling me that I was safe; telling me that it would care for my body. As I relaxed, I was transported to a beautiful garden filled with fragrant flowers. An angel appeared before me, as I walked among the flowers, feeling safe, feeling loved. You are safe here, the angel said. We will take care of you. Let us be your guide, and your protectors. What you will experience is from the past. It happened, but is not happening now. At this moment you are safe. Trust us to keep you safe as you travel back, to the beginning point of your autonomous physical existence in this physical form. What you will see, what you will experience will be what truly happened, but it is not happening now. Suddenly, I was caught in a web of fluid and substance that felt immediately familiar and yet strange. I heard voices. One voice was very loud and insistent. Please! Cried the voice, Help me! I was in pain! I felt as though a vice was being tightened around my head! I cried out, and I heard Aranons voice. You are approaching the time of your physical birth, said Aranon. This is a very painful time. Now you know that your physical birth was a painful one. It should only last a few minutes, but I will be here for you, with you, feeling what you are feeling.
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You are not alone. But the time seemed to stretch on forever, and the pain was unbearable. The voices were saying; Im sorry Mrs. Milner, but the doctor is unavailable. I know this is terribly hard for you, but we have to hold the baby back until the doctor gets here. Then I felt a pressure on the top of my head, and then the vice was back, crushing my head and pushing on my entire body. I tried to scream, but couldnt. Do you know what is happening? Asked Aranon. Are you aware that your birth is being forestalled? It hurts! I said, in my mind, my whole system rebelling against the unbelievable pressure on my entire body. Yes, but it is just physical pain, he replied. Let The Meathos comfort you. Go to the angel in the garden. I forced my mind to seek out that garden, and to make contact once again with the angel. She appeared before me, amidst the roses and the poppies. She reached out to me with both hands. Take my hands, she said, her face a vision of empathy, and I will release you from the pain. I took her hands and the pain subsided and then disappeared. Thank you! I said to the angel, as she held my hands, pulling the pain from me.
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This was a very difficult birth, said Aranon, from a distance. Your mother suffered terribly too. Why? I asked. I am ready to come, but they keep pushing me back. Yes, he replied, sadly. It is unfortunate, but that appears to be what is happening. Did your mother tell you about this? Yes, I replied, feeing safe, feeling protected by the angel of The Meathos. The memory of my mother telling me about my birth became clear in my mind. The nurses couldnt allow a birth to occur without the presence of a doctor. All the doctors were busy. Yesterday the war was declared over, and lots of moms are giving birth, excited that their husbands will be coming home. I see, and so they make your mother wait for a doctor. How awful! How cruel! His voice was filled with caring and pain. Your start in life was an abnormally painful experience for you and your mother. How she may have resented you for the first few days of your life. Such pain! Such cruelty! But...you survived! She survived! Suddenly, I felt myself being forced right through that vice! God, it hurt! First my head was being crushed and then, slowly, my whole body was subjected to the crushing pressure of being forced from a place of safety and security, though a crushing vice and into a place of coolness and sounds and touches that were
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alien to me. A hand slapped me across my back and I drew a deep breath and then screamed at the top of my lungs! Ah, said Aranon, soon now you will be free of the pain. A tube was thrust into my mouth and my fist response was to suckle, but this tube pulled fluids from my throat. Then I was placed on something course and cold, stuff was dribbled into my eyes, and my feet were pressed on something and then something else, and rubbed. I was then wrapped in something warm and soft and placed on my back on something even softer. I felt hungry. I felt alone. I felt cold, even with the softness around me. I felt overloaded with sensations and fear. Now, said Aranon, you are born. You are a singular human being, dependant on your parents for sustenance and safety. Are all births this painful and scary? I asked in my mind. No, said Aranon, not generally. I was amazed that he could hear me, and then I realized that he had not only heard me but had been through the experience with me. The experience seemed to be continuing. I could feel myself being clothed in diapers and a tiny T-shirt, and then a little bracelet was being placed on my wrist. I heard one of the nurses comment on how very tiny I was at 2 lbs 5 ounces, and how I would fit into a shoebox. Then, I fell asleep.
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Then Meestra, the angel, came and picked me up from my tiny bed, wrapped in my tiny blanket and held me to her breast. You are safe, and you are loved, she said, softly, rocking me gently in her arms. Soon, sweet girl-child, you will understand the significance of this experience, but now, we will sing to you, and celebrate your life. She flew with me, the tiny baby me, to that wondrous place filled with light and then we were surrounded by numerous angels, all singing, filling me with a sense of peace as the pain of the ordeal diminished in my mind. At some point, Aranon took me from the pool and placed me in my bed. After an indeterminate period of time I awoke to find Aranon sitting in a chair beside the bed. His eyes were closed and his hands were in a prayer position, with his chin resting on his fingertips, his elbows resting on the arms of the chair. I lay still, silently watching him, wondering about him and what his life as a child must have been like. Did he have parents? Were they still alive somewhere? What was it like growing up in his culture? Suddenly his eyes opened and he looked directly into mine. Ah, he said, you are awake. Did I do ok? You did just fine, but we arent quite finished yet. He smiled and patted my arm. Would you like to tell me how you feel about
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what you experienced? It hurt, I said, sullenly. Why did it have to hurt so much? Well, he responded, leaning back and looking up at the sealing. First of all, at the time of your birth, in the place you were born, medicine was rather barbaric. Secondly, you were held back from being born for quite some time. Do you know how long it was? I think my mom told me sixteen hours. She said that she tore up magazines and newspapers and even the sheets on her bed because she was in so much pain. She just ripped them to shreds. I can understand why, said Aranon, and I could hear the compassion in his voice. And all because of some silly rule that wouldnt allow the nurses to deliver you without a doctor present. Ill bet your mom was pretty angry about that. I guess, I replied. I cant remember her ever telling me she was angry about that though. Okay, he said, thinking. Tell me about your mother. Shes okay No, tell me about how you feel about your mother, he amended. I dont like her much. Why is that?
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Shes nosy and pushy, demanding and nitpicky, I replied. We get along like pink and orange. What does that mean, he asked, like pink and orange? We clash, I replied. Ahhh, he mused. Can you see how your birth and the difficulty it involved may have played a role in how you felt about each other? I guess, I replied, thinking this was just a bunch of psychological gobbledygook. Okay, he said, his hands again taking the prayer position under his chin. Can you see how the intensity of the pain that you felt, for sixteen hours, may have colored your perceptions of life? How? I asked. I couldnt remember it. I was just an infant, and I cant remember that far back without your help. But are you aware that your body remembers? How else could we have assisted you in connecting with that memory? And your emotional system remembers, even if that memory is not accessible to your conscious recall. The memory is there otherwise you would not have been able to connect with it while you were submerged in The Meathos. Can you see how this memory, even though not a conscious memory, may have colored your view of life? I guess, I said, still not convinced. And so what? I mean
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people go through lots of pain in their lives, so what? Pain conditions the body and the emotions. This conditioning generates psychophysical responses when conditions emulate the circumstances imprinted upon the memory. Are you aware that much of what you feel is not about what is occurring now, but rather about what has occurred at some point in your past? That your feelings are born out of your experiences, that your feelings are a psychophysical manifestation of your memory system judging now with then? Okay, I said, so what? I couldnt understand what he was getting at. How you experience the here and now, is largely determined by what has happened to you in the past and how well you have been able to physically and emotionally accommodate those experiences through education and self discovery. If you didnt even know that your first experience with life may have colored every other experience that you have ever had since, how can you come to terms with the here and now? Im fine with the here and now, thank you, I said sarcastically. Id been to shrinks and had even been in a mental hospital because of my feelings, and that had never helped me cope with them. My feelings were never in question, just my behavior. Sure, they were always asking me about my mom and
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my dad, how they treated me, and stuff. So what? When they met my mom and dad; they always knew it was just me, not them that was the problem. Mom and dad were perfect parents. They always knew just what to say to make the doctors look at me and tell me that I was faking, that I ought to be in Hollywood. They would chide me and tell me that I had a good home, and then ask me why I was I acting like this? I dont think so, he replied, gently. I can see, by the way that you respond to certain things, that you are afraid much of the time, and that you constantly need to prove to those around you that you are in control. Sometimes, you even do this by allowing yourself to lose control. That doesnt make any sense, I retorted, angrily. I felt as though I had been pricked with a sharp knife. Okay, he said, gently, but it appears that when you to lose control, you are really demanding the attention and the caring of those around you. You have learned to gain the attention and the focus of others by allowing yourself to loose control. I sat up and pushed my legs over the side of the bed. I was angry! I was being accused of making others pay attention to me with my behavior. Same old story! No one believed that I really felt what I was feeling when I acted weird. I was being told that I ought to be in Hollywood again, even though that is not what he
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said. I knew that is what he was accusing me of. Go away! I shouted at him. Leave me alone! I wana go home! I dont wana be here anymore! There, you see, he said. I have triggered a psychophysical response. Go away! I shouted. I got up and ran to the pool, the only place that I have ever felt loved and cared for. Aranon was up from his chair and had grabbed me before I could get into the pool. He picked me up, as I kicked and screamed obscenities at him. He held me until I stopped struggling. Finally, realizing that I could not escape his grasp, I fell into sobbing. He held me until the sobbing ceased. I know that you are afraid to confront this, he said, softly, still holding me firmly. I know that you think I am accusing you of being dishonest with your actions, but I know that you are not. I think that your actions, or reactions are an honest response to your feelings of fear, pain and maybe even abandonment. You dont know anything! I shouted at him. You dont know anything about what I am feeling and why! You are feeling accused of pretending to have feelings in order to get attention, he said, accurately defining my present state. Im not! I shouted at him. I am not pretending!
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I know, he said, softly, gently, hugging me to him in an embrace that was full of love and caring. What you are feeling is quite real, and you are in desperate emotional pain. I know that you feel lost, that you feel abandoned in your fear and your emotional pain. I just want someone to believe me, I sobbed, relaxing in his embrace. I believe you, he said, hugging me tenderly. I relaxed even more and stopped struggling. I think The Meathos believes me, I said, still sobbing softly. I know they do, he said, with a deep concern in his voice. And it all began at your birth. Both you and your mother were treated abominably. What your mother was forced to endure, because of rules and procedure was abominable. What you were forced to endure, for the same reasons, was tragic. The pain and the frustration, the lack of concern that both of you were subjected to was real. The fact that it set both of you up to clash with one another is understandable. Are you aware that you were never given the opportunity to suckle from your mothers breast? Because of that, you were never able to bond with your mother and feel her pain and know that she was not at fault. This established an animosity with life in general and with your mother in particular that would last your entire life, until now. Can you see
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that she was not responsible for your initial experience with life? Yeah, okay, so what? I said, my fear and anger still determining my feelings. Can you forgive her? He asked. For what? I asked, my sobs subsiding. For the pain of your birth, he replied, Okay, I replied, not knowing the power of that statement. Good, he said, gently, hugging me again. That is the first step. I forgive her! I said loudly, feeling the pain of her ordeal and knowing the reason behind it. It wasnt her fault! Suddenly, I was aware that she didnt choose the circumstances of my birth, and that she suffered too, and that her life and her feelings toward me were forever changed by those circumstances. My heart went out to her in her pain, and I wanted to take that terrible time in which she awaited my birth and erase it. I wanted to change it, so that shed never had to endure that pain and that she had welcomed me, her only daughter, as a much longed for and finally fulfilled dream, as my mother had once told me I was. I wasnt supposed to even happen, I said, as though my saying this was proof of the fact that my mothers pain was somehow my fault. My mother was wearing a birth control devise when I was conceived. My parents used to tease me about this
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when I was little, even though I didnt understand it at the time. Ahhh, he said, again placing his palms together beneath his chin. And they told you that you were unexpected, an accident, maybe? Yep, I responded, my voice again sullen, maybe even a little angry. So, not only did your birth teach you that life was painful and frightening, but your parents told you that you were unexpected, an accident, and even teased you about it. I bet you felt really unwanted. I have always felt unwanted, I said, and a huge imposition. No doubt, he responded, nodding. No matter what you do or say while you are here, Christy, he said, in a soft and caring voice, we are glad that you are here and that you have allowed us this opportunity to assist you with all of these perceptions and feelings. We are committed to helping you. I am committed to helping you through these feelings and perceptions to a point where you can see where they come from and why they have had so much power in determining your lifes progress and your psycho-emotional experiences up to this point. All we ask from you, all I ask is, that you let me help you to understand, he said releasing me from his grasp.
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I pulled free of him and collapsed on the floor, sobbing. I was confused. Had the pain of my birth colored my feelings, my perceptions? Was I still feeling the influence of that time that I had no memory of until now? Was I being controlled by feelings and perceptions that I couldnt even remember? Would things change for me now that I had experienced this event? How? Why?
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Nine
Aranon suggested that I sleep for a while, and feeling emotionally drained, I decided to do just that. I have no idea how long that I slept, but I did dream of Meestra and the beautiful garden. The dream was hazy as I awoke, and by the time I had taken care of my physical needs, the memory had disappeared all together. I asked the synthesizer for hot, cooked oatmeal with cold milk on it and then sat by myself, at the communications console and queried the library for any and all information on The Meathos.
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The Meathos is a semi-symbiotic life form with a collective memory. The Meathos is indigenous to the planet Archana, in the Galaxy of Andromeda. The Meathos has long been used by a number of interplanetary societies for the purposes of physical healing and as a medium for the hibernation of starship crewmembers before the development of intra-temporal transport. It has also been utilized as a medium for storing not only general information, but also the personal identities of individuals undergoing trans-physical procedures. It has been said that The Meathos has one of the broadest informational cashes in the known universe, having had interactions with nearly every known race. The Meathos itself has chosen to work with the Universal Brotherhood in their campaign to release the developing races of Earth from their physical, emotional and mental distortions, facilitating a planetary shift in consciousness. This shift promises to redirect future events, eliminating the possibility of the future temporal distortions generated by the people of Earth. As of now, the number of temporal distortions flowing down the time line is definitely diminishing. The Meathos are indeed great healers who are open to all races, all ideologies. One of the most important processes on Anchor, in regards to healing those whos lives have been drawn there for assistance, is that of providing a psycho-neural
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connection between Seekers and their Facilitators. Through this connection, the Facilitator has the opportunity to accompany individuals as they are transported back to key experiences in their lives, to feel, physically and emotionally, events that have shaped the Seekers perceptions and responses their life experiences and to assist them in interpreting those experiences from a more enlightened viewpoint. The Meathos also assists in educating the Seeker, by broadening their experiences with love, acceptance and personal sensitivity I heard the door open with a whoosh, and turned to see Aranon entering. He smiled and approached me. I see you are doing a little research on The Meathos, he said, nodding, as if to let me know that he approved. Well, I said, somewhat defensively, even though I knew at the time that I didnt need to be. No one told me I couldnt. Actually, your desire to know and to understand is not only encouraging, but it tells me that you are willing to take an active part in your healing process. The more that you know and understand about what is being done and why, the more likely you are to work with the process instead of against it. Okay, I said, but I want to know about something thats probably not part of the process. I want to know about the food synthesizer. How does it work?
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You like to go in several directions at once, dont you, he asked, as he pulled up a seat. How do you mean? I asked, again feeling attacked. Its not a criticism, he replied, holding up his hand, palm toward me. It just seems, at times, that you are more a conglomerate than a singularity. Huh? It appears at times that you are more than one person, and that each aspect of you has its own agenda. He probably had no idea at that time just how right he was, but then I didnt either, although from time to time I had my suspicions. Okay, Ill attempt to explain the process the synthesizer uses to manifest not just food, but anything that can be sampled and duplicated. How about people? I asked. Can it duplicate people? Yes, but there is more to a living being than its physical components. We can and do duplicate bodies, but only under certain conditions, and the duplicate must be assisted with life support until a spiritual being can be induced to inhabit it. It is the spiritual aspect that cannot be duplicated, and yet is the main component in animating and maintaining the life force within a body. Without the spirit, without the consciousness, the body would never survive. How does it duplicate food then? I asked. I mean food like
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lettuce and raw carrots are alive. True, but that type of consciousness is not self determining, but rather part of the great pool of living substance that makes up physical reality. Therefore it is easily coaxed into the substance being synthesized. So how does it do it? Where does the synthesizer get the stuff to make mashed potatoes and gravy? It attracts it from the universal pool of substance, he said, matter of factly. Of course, it will not attract animal substances, so the meats that you ask for do not really consist of animal substances, but rather substances that are easily textured and flavored to mimic meats and other animal products. It is probably more nutritious as well. How does it attract all that stuff from the universe? I mean is it just a big magnet or something? Well, he smiled, what seemed to be an indulgent smile. Essentially, you are right, it is a magnet of sorts, and we program its collection grid according to what we want it to attract, and how we want it to recompose the materials it attracts. What about toys? I asked, in a small, childish voice. Can it make toys? Aranon cocked his head as a questioning look spread across his face. What kind of toys? He asked.
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I would really, really like to have a teddy bear. Of course, he replied, smiling. How big? This big! I replied, the tenor of my voice still expressing in that childlike tone. I raised my hands and spread them about two feet apart. What color? he asked. Bears are brown, silly, dont you know that? Of course they are, he responded gently, but there are also gray ones, black ones and white ones. I just wanted to give you a choice. When I didnt respond to this he smiled and went to the synthesizer and began pressing keys. The tone sounded and he pulled a large, brown, stuffed bear from the delivery compartment. He brought it to me and placed it in my arms. Thank you, I replied, hugging the stuffed animal tightly. It was soft and warm, and felt almost alive in my arms. Any more questions? He asked. Yep, I said. Okay, what? Where am I and who are you? Aranon was obviously taken off guard by this, his face went blank for a second, and then he seemed to recover a bit. How would you like to take a walk with me? He asked, calmly. Okay, I said, sliding off my chair as he stood. Still hugging
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my new teddy bear tightly under one arm, I extended my other hand for him to take. He took it and smiled at me. Maybe you could tell me your name, he said, softly, as he waved his other hand to open the door. Im Lynn, I replied, in that voice of a child. Whats your name? Im Aranon, he said, leading me down the deserted hallway. I am pleased to meet you Lynn. Are you a doctor? Lynn asked. Am I in the hospital? Sort of, he replied. You are in a place where you are very safe, and I am going to try to help you to always be safe. Thank you, Lynn said, as he lead her into another room where there was a large crystal table. I had been here before, but at this point Lynn had no memory of that. Aranon picked her up and laid her on the table. He asked if he could borrow her teddy bear for just a little while, but when she began to cry as he attempted to remove it from her grasp, he simply allowed her to keep it. Thats all right, he said, stepping to a console and touching colored bars of light. This isnt going to hurt, but it might get just a little scary, so I want you to know that I am right here and you are safe. Then there was a slight whining noise, as the upper slab of
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crystal began to descend, and my body began to levitate between the two. This was definitely scary, especially to this child persona called Lynn, I had somehow become. She began to cry and then to scream loudly. Aranon was right there, touching her forehead lightly. Instantly, she felt a calm flow through her, relaxing her. She stopped screaming and crying and became very placid until he reversed the process and she was once again lying on the crystal slab. He gently picked her up and carried her back to my room. He laid her on my bed, reached above her head and touched some sort of switch and she was instantly asleep. I awoke to find Aranon, again sitting in the chair beside me, but this time his attention was focused on me from the moment I opened my eyes. I felt like I had been drugged, and it was difficult to come to full awareness. I had to blink a couple of times before my vision cleared. How do you feel? He asked, leaning toward me and taking my hand. I feel like someone slipped me a Mickey Finn. He tilted his head while a questioning look spread across his face. Can you explain the term Mickey Finn?
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Knockout drops, chloralhydrate. I feel like I was drugged. Ah, he said, that will pass. I had to engage the sleep mode on your bed. He leaned back, letting go of my hand, and crossed his legs. You are certainly an interesting case, he said, flashing a humorous smile. Why? I asked, feeling as though I must have done something crazy and just didnt remember it. That happened a lot in my life. Many a time I had awakened in a place I was either unfamiliar with, or hadnt remembered going to. That was another one of those things that seemed to always get me into trouble, because I always seemed to have done something outlandish that I had no memory of. For a while the doctors thought I had epilepsy and had me on medication for it, but that didnt stop the incidents, it just made me dopey all the time. What did I do? You asked for a teddy bear, he smiled, actually, you were quite charming. He pointed to the other side of the bed and I looked. Beside me was a beautiful, fluffy brown teddy bear. Okay, I said, having no memory of the incident, but not wanting him to know that. Nevertheless, my heart was pounding and my face felt hot. I would imagine, he began, that right now you are feeling rather afraid because you have no memory of what has happened. He reached out again and took my hand once more,
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pressing it gently between his two warm but mammoth hands. Its okay, he said gently, his face filled with gentleness, you didnt do anything wrong. I dont do it on purpose! I cried, still feeling as though I whould be punished for this episode. Thats what the doctor in the hospital called it, an episode of play-acting. Hot tears were running down the sides of my face and into my ears, and I felt betrayed by my own mind. I know that, his voice was gentle and filled with compassion. He reached out with his right hand and gently brushed the tears from my cheeks. You have done nothing wrong. There is a word in your language that describes what has happened, several of them actually. I believe that you have been experiencing dissociative reactions. There are a number of reported cases like yours. It is sometimes called multiple personalities or dissociative identity disorder. Its the result of psycho-emotional fragmentation due to severe and repeated abuse and trauma. We can help you with it, if you will allow us to. I wont lie to you; it will be painful for you. You will have to visit the traumatic experiences that generated the fragmentation. You are really going to have to want to release yourself from this distortion. You will need to be really committed to doing what it takes to get through this. It wont be easy, but it can be done.
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I have children inside me, I said, as more tears spilled out of my eyes, and I began to shake, feeling the power of this disclosure. I had known this for some time, but no one believed me, and every time I told anyone I was treated like I was pretending, to get attention. The doctors and staff at the hospital had punished me for it. They would put me in seclusion or take away all my ground privileges. My parents had even allowed me to be put into a juvenile detention center for it. Yes, he said. I met one. Her name is Lynn and she is the one who asked for the teddy bear. Im not faking! I sobbed, pulling my hand away and turning toward the wall. You are definitely not faking, he said, rubbing my shoulder and then patting my head. I have absolute proof of that. I turned back to face him, not believing my ears. How did you get proof? I asked. I gave Lynn an examination. You are definitely two different entities. Her heart rate is faster than yours, her body temperature is different than yours, and her brain pattern is definitely different than yours. My only challenge, I think, will be to discover how many individuals I will be working with here. He grinned, as though this was humorous but I failed to see the humor in it. Actually, I was terrified and relieved all at the same time.
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Terrified that there were others inhabiting my body with me and relieved that there really was something going on and I wasnt just psychotic. On the other hand, I had long suspected that I had others in my mind with me, because there were many times when I could hear a baby crying, and no one else did. There were many times that the others had left nasty messes for me to clean up and face the consequences for. It was better to know then to not know. At least I wasnt totally crazy. So how are you gonna keep them from taking over like that? I asked, hoping that there was an easy way for him to stop these episodes from happening until I worked through to the source of them. I think I shall treat whomever is present at the time with love and respect. I dont think that it is a good idea to suppress your alternate personalities, he replied. No! I cried, again turning to the wall. I dont like it when that happens! I cant remember anything when that happens! I dont want that to happen anymore! Make it stop! Only you can make it stop, Christy, and that is going to take a bit of hard work, he said, gently. But I can help you to remember what happens during the dissociations, and The Meathos will probably assist you in connecting to the other aspects of yourself and eventually you will learn to develop a
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shared consciousness. Eventually, you can all come together as one, or maintain separate viewpoints and preferences if that is the consensus. Let us help you with this, Christy. Your present day psychological science has little understanding of this phenomena and if you are unable to deal with it here, the chances of your being able to deal with it within the framework of your native position are not too good. He reached out and turned me to look at him. You will have to trust me on this, Christy. I know we can help you to help yourself heal from this. Like I said though, its going to take commitment and courage. Im so tired of being crazy, I said tearfully. I believe you, he said. Even more tears began to spill from my eyes. No one had ever said that to me except him. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to get well. I wanted to be normal! I had spent most of my life seeking assistance with this problem of mine. Of course there was much more to it than just the blackouts, the waking up in strange places. There was also this overpowering need I had, a desperate desire that took up most of my thoughts, filling them with fantasies of a final completion. I couldnt talk about that just yet though. I was too overwhelmed by the fact that Aranon not only believed me, but also had proof that I was not pretending, not play-acting.
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I know that you are having a lot of intense feelings right now, he said, breaking into my fevered thoughts. Would you like to see if maybe The Meathos can help you with them? Could he see my secret thoughts when I was in The Meathos and he was interfaced with it? Would he know what I am not ready to talk about yet if I agreed to go to the Meathos? Does it even matter anymore? My thoughts were racing madly around in my head, and I was feeling lost in my fear and my confusion. I think you are really having a difficult time right now, he said, gently, as he picked me up. Im going to take you to the pool so that you can get help from the Meathos. Dont hook up! I cried, feeling as though my life depended on keeping my secret safe. Stay with me! Hold me! Please! I sobbed, as he approached the Meathos. I will enter the pool, and hold you until you feel safe. He conceded. Then, if the Meathos thinks that I can assist, it will let me know. Until then, I will just hold you. He stepped into the pool and sat down in the Meathos with me in his arms. For a moment I struggled with the sense of suffocation that came from the Meathos invading my nose and mouth. As I opened my mouth to cry out, Aranon touched me on the forehead and I relaxed. As soon as I relaxed and allowed the Meathos to fill my
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lungs with oxygen, and began to breathe it, as I would air, Meestra appeared to me, her arms outstretched, her face wreathed in compassion, like a mother rescuing a child from a fall. Your secret is safe with me, she said, her voice soothing and filled with kindness. When you are ready to share it, we will allow Aranon to know, but not until you are ready. You are in control of your destiny. You are in control of your life. You are in control of your choices. You are the only one who can decide when you are ready to take the next step. Until then I will comfort you and nurture you and assist you in finding peace beyond the chaos of your thoughts, your fears and your desires. Can you help me to remember when the others take me away? I asked, relaxing even more in her warm embrace. Yes, she said, and her face glowed with a loving smile. Suddenly, I was transported back to the moment when Lynn came on the scene, as I was asking Aranon about the synthesizer. I could feel her confusion at being in this strange place, and yet she was more trusting then I had been, and had asked Aranon for a teddy bear to hold, to comfort herself, when she felt no one else could comfort her. His willingness to comply with this request automatically made him a good guy and she felt safe with him. His size didnt seem to faze her at all, and then I realized that she was probably a little child and all adults looked
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big to her. How old is she? I asked Meestra. You decide, she said, allowing me to view this clone of myself at her at the age she presented herself. Suddenly, I could see her, as myself, when I was a child of somewhere around seven or eight. I could see her trusting little face, as she looked up at Aranon, giving him her hand. His gentle smile made both her and me feel accepted and protected. I watched the whole episode, as he took her to the examination room and placed her on the crystal table. I watched as she became suspended between the two slabs and felt her terror. I felt Aranons love flow through the touch of his hand on her and my forehead, and felt its relaxing power. Then the vision ended. She is me, I said, startled by this revelation. Yes, Meestra replied, gently. She is you, that part of you that was frozen in time as the result of an event that was so overwhelming that she could not share it. She has held that event, and herself in a parallel existence, so that the power of it would not destroy your will to live. She held it to save you, and she continues to hold it to keep you safe. She exists to protect you from the power of that terrible event, just as you keep your secret from Aranon, to protect yourself from his rejection, from the possibility that he will devalue your need.
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I know your need is real, she continued. I know that it means as much to you as your life does. I also know that your need is the key to your healing, and that when you are ready to share it, you will discover that key and find the power through which to heal yourself. You are in control. Only you have the power to make the choices necessary to find the healing experience that you so desperately crave. Until you are ready to reveal that need, I will sustain you, and I will keep you safe. And when you are ready, I will continue to sustain you and keep you safe. Aranon wont do it, I said to her. He will just tell me that I really want something else, that what I want is wrong or bad or something. Thats what they all tell me. I guess what I want is really crazy. I just cant stop wanting it. I just cant help believing that it is the only thing that will help me to remember what happened and who I really am. If this is what you truly believe, she replied, her voice gentle but firm in this conviction, then I too believe this is what is truly needed to open that door to your past memories. Nevertheless, you are the one who is in control of your life, and you are in control of your choices. I believe in you, and I will help you to attain that which you believe will set you free. My heart soared, and my entire being was filled with
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acceptance and love. I wanted to believe that my fantasy would be fulfilled and that I would, as the result of that completion, remember what it was that shattered me, shattered my memory so that I became the prisoner of feelings without a remembered source. I allowed Meestra to enfold me in her arms, and then within her wings, sheltering me from the storm raging within my emotional self. I gave myself to her, nestling in her arms, allowing myself to be loved, comforted and protected. Finally, I slept within the Meathos. I know that Aranon, upon recognizing that there had been a resolution to my fear and pain, lifted me from the Meathos and once again put me to bed. I know that he sat there beside me, watching, waiting for my return from the heavenly embrace of Meestra. I also know now that he was given clues, visions, as he sat there in the pool with me, holding me. Nevertheless, Meestra kept her word and did not allow him to see the whole picture. I am sure that she told him that there was a secret wish, but I am equally certain that she did not tell him exactly what it was.
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Ten
I think we need another break, said Aranon as I sat at the table eating a bowl of simulated Rice Chex cereal. Can we go back in time? I asked. Maybe we could go back and find out what really happened to me that has made my life such a hell. Maybe, but you know what happened to you, its just a matter of remembering. The process of healing requires that you reach back within yourself and confront the event from within. He looked at me and started to smile, and I narrowed my eyes at him, giving him that yeah sure look. He shook his head as though he knew that I knew that he was bullshitting me, and then amended his position by saying,
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Showing it to you may be of assistance, its true, but as I said, I think we need a break from your inner journey to have a little fun. Fun, I said, glumly, is an illusion. Then let us immerse ourselves in the illusion. Now he smiled, and I didnt have any comebacks. So, what do you have planned? I asked, realizing that I wasnt going to get to do what I wanted to do. I thought we might hike into the wilderness, and picnic at this very beautiful place I know of. Hike? Into the wilderness? I was flabbergasted. Look, I dont even have shoes, just these little slippers! I said, holding up my foot for him to see. Not to worry, I am sure we can synth a pair for you, he replied, grinning. Synth? Common Earther practice, called slang, he replied, grinning even more broadly, if that was possible. "Lets allow the Meathos to program the synthesizer, as they probably know your fit better than you do. Is that possible? Trust me, the Meathos knows you intimately. No, I countered, how is it possible for the Meathos to program the synthesizer?
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Because it is part of the data network, it can access any system on the network, he replied. Okay, I said, not understanding at all. I knew there were such things as computers, but I had no idea how they worked, and I had a feeling that this network was much more than just a bunch of linked TV stations. Within seconds the tone sounded on the synthesizer and Aranon went to it and removed a pair of hiking boots. They looked like real leather, but I suspected they werent. He handed them to me and I was going to put them on when I realized I had no socks. Need socks, I remarked, looking the boots over. They were well made, but contained no logos, no brand name. Right, replied Aranon, and even as he said it the unit beeped again. He went to it and brought back a pair of white cotton socks. Your wish is our command, mlady, he said as he handed them to me. I put them on and then I pulled on the boots. They fit better than any new pair of shoes I had ever had! I walked around in them and they felt wonderful! They were soft and pliable, and yet supportive. Aside from the fact that my feet were warm for the first time in who knows how long, they felt almost as though they were bare.
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Okay, I said, smiling, how about some real clothes? I was still in the jumpsuit Aranon gave me after my examination. Ah, yes. Come with me. He opened the door and I followed him down the hallway, which was empty of anyone but us. Did you clear the hallway? I asked. No, he replied, opening a door and leading me into a huge room of cabinets and drawers. There were isles of them. It was like a maze. Today is sort of a holiday, he said over his shoulder, as he hunted for a drawer. Really? I asked excitedly, you mean like Christmas? He pulled open a drawer and pulled out a pair of blue jeans. Here, try these on. Why dont you just have Meathos program them into the synthesizer for me? Its complicated, he replied. Most Earthers prefer their natural clothing. I thought you might be more comfortable in familiar fabrics. Hmm, I mused, wondering just how many Earthers there were on Anchore to require such a huge storeroom for clothes. I pulled off the stretchy jumpsuit and tried on the jeans behind a row of cabinets and they seemed to fit well enough, if I rolled up the cuffs, but then I had been doing that most of my life, being a short person. As I stood up from adjusting my cuffs,
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Aranon was there, handing me a long sleeved, light blue pullover. I took it from him and motioned for him to go away. Once he was gone I pulled it on. It was soft and fit well too. Now I was dressed. So, what is the holiday? I asked, coming out from between the cabinets. It is the day in which we celebrate our spiritual connection to all of life. It is the day in which we reaffirm our commitment to life and to those with whom we travel towards greater unity and enlightenment. It is a little like Christmas, for we often celebrate one another with gifts and reunions with friends and family. It is also a day of retrospect, where we look at our progress and decide on new projects, new paths. That is why we are going to hike into the wilderness, to reconnect with nature, to reassess what we have done so far and decide what to do next. I also hope to offer you a gift, which will strengthen you as well as expand your consciousness. He led me from the clothing room back into the hall. A group of individuals passed us as we walked. They were all dressed unusually, in costumes that looked a little like priests robes, although very colorful ones. They were singing and laughing, and they all looked like they were having a wonderful time. So, whats this gift? I asked, caught up in the spirit of celebration and excitement.
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I cant tell you, he said, smiling and winking. You have to experience it. Telling you about it would mean nothing until then. Okay, I said, so its a surprise, huh? Yes, he replied, guiding me down another corridor. How do you know where to go without getting lost? I tried to imagine finding my way through this maze of hallways. After a time, even you will develop a sense about it. He laughed, and then with a sheepish look pointed out characters on small inlaid tiles high on the walls. It also helps to know how to decipher the sector codes. Soon we had entered the great hall where the portal gate to Top Side was. This time I wasnt afraid at all, and when it became our turn to go through, and Aranon had stated our destination, I walked placidly through the portal and into a park like area, surrounded with trees, hills and even mountains. The wind was blowing gently, and there was the smell of growing things and dirt. The sky was a brilliant aqua marine, punctuated with white puffy clouds, scudding lazily across the sky. I could hear birds calling to one another and the sound of running water. Aranon led me through a copse of trees and down a hill, and then along the bank of a gurgling stream. Animals, some familiar, some strange, darted for cover or unconcernedly munched on leaves and grass, giving our passing little attention. I was awed by
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the beauty of the scene and by the diversity of the life inhabiting it. The colors of the birds were breathtaking, and a herd of what looked like a cross between elk and Yaks, with antlers and long shaggy hair, ambled by us in search of tastier greens to munch. The sense of being in the Garden of Eden took my breath away. Wow! was about all I could manage. I had hoped that you would like this, said Aranon, again grinning broadly. He was showing off his home, and he was very proud of it. Soon, we will be entering a dense forest, so I would like you to stay close to me. Not all of the wildlife is as amiable and accepting of visitors as those we have encountered so far. Oh goodie, I exclaimed, real danger! Only to the uninitiated, he responded, chuckling under his breath. We walked for what seemed like miles, but I didnt care. My body was craving exercise and the hike was actually working some of the kinks out of my muscles. Finally, we came to a clearing and Aranon stopped, surveying the area. This will do, he said. He took a small electronic device from some hidden pocket and began pressing buttons. Finally, he pointed the device, and pressed one last button and a tent appeared. What is that, I asked, a portable synthesizer?
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Not exactly, he said, pressing more buttons and producing a table and two chairs, the table laden with what looked like plastic boxes. Its more of a transport device. I left supplies at specific coordinates and I am now transporting them here. Neat-o, I said, as I watched him transport numerous cartons to the campsite. If you are hungry, we can eat. Okay. He walked over to the table and began unpacking packages of food. There were sandwiches and fruit and a bottle of what looked like wine. He removed the other cartons from the table and then set the table with dishes and glasses and plates of food. Your dinner is served, he said with a flourish, pulling out a chair at the table for me. I sat down and he handed me what appeared to be a cloth napkin, and then he sat down across from me. He motioned for me to choose a sandwich from the plate in the center of the table. What kind of sandwiches are they? I asked. Take one and see, he replied. I grabbed one and took a bite of it, and decided that it was ham on rye with lettuce and mustard. Umm, I said, enjoying the flavor. He pored wine, or what looked like wine into my glass and I
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took a swig, and he smiled. He seemed to be in his glory. His smile was one of great pleasure. I knew at that moment, that he had spent a great deal of time and energy planning this event. I wondered when he had found the time, and then I remembered that I had spent a great deal of time sleeping, especially after my last encounter with the Meathos. I wondered just how long I had been here on Ancore. How long have I been here, I asked. Six days and, and then checking his electronic device added, seventeen hours. Golly! I replied, unable to think of an appropriate response. Is this enjoyable? He asked, waving his hand to encompass the table and the wilderness surrounding us, almost as if he required my approval. His face was hopeful, expectant. Yes! I responded, enthusiastically nodding my head, hoping to make him happy. This is just the beginning, he said. As you may have noticed, Ive planed for us to spend the night and maybe more than one, depending on what happens in the next few hours. Like whats supposed to happen? I asked Thats the surprise, he said, flashing another smile and then a wink. Oh, I said, disappointed that he was so determined not to
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let on what this was all about. Nevertheless, the food was good and the scenery was beautiful, so I sat back enjoying my sandwich, the drink and our surroundings. I wish I had my guitar, I said after I had eaten all I could. I pushed away from the table and stood in the clearing, admiring the sky, which was becoming quite colorful as the one sun had already set and the other began its final decent over the horizon. Ah, you are a musician, he mused as he cleared the table. I can arrange to get you one if you would like. Really? I asked, brightening at the thought of strumming and singing, as the stars shown in the sky, like the ideal campout. All that was missing was the campfire. What kind of guitar would you like? He asked, pulling his electronic device out once again. Now you cant tell me that you have a number of differing guitars set aside, awaiting transport. No, but I can have one synthesized and then transport it. Would you like me to do that? I thought about it for a moment and then responded. Medium sized classical folk, gut strings, wide neck. He nodded and then began tapping out codes on his device. I wondered just how it was possible for him to know what codes would produce what effects. After a moment he put the device away and then
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walked over and stood beside me. Beautiful sight, isnt? He asked, joining me in watching the sunset. Yes, it is. Can we have a fire? Only if you are willing to help me gather wood, he replied. Sure. I guess we had better hurry, its getting dark fast! I hurried to a clump of trees and searched the ground for appropriate kindling. Most of what I found was just that, kindling. I was unable to find any good sized fallen branches. That meant we would need lots of it to keep a fire going for any appreciable amount of time. When I returned to the campsite, Aranon was creating a fire pit with a small shovel and some rocks. I dumped the wood into the pit when he was finished. Thats a start, he said, smiling, but we are going to need some logs to keep it going. I couldnt find any, I said, sitting down on one of the chairs that Aranon had brought over to the fire pit. Not to worry, he smiled, pulling out his little device again. He pointed it at the fire pit and three large logs appeared atop the kindling, and then with a whoosh, flames burst forth from the kindling, and began licking at the bottoms and up the sides of the logs. The wood crackled and resettled, sending glowing embers
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swirling into the sky. Wow, I said, entranced by the instant fire, youre a handy guy to have around. Its all smoke and mirrors, he said, chuckling. He focused the device on a patch of ground next to my chair and a guitar appeared. And a little help from my friends, he added. I sat looking down at the guitar, amazed by its beauty. The wood finish was so shiny that I could see the fire reflected in it. I reached out and touched it, thinking it may be an apparition, but it was real. I picked it up, cradled it in my lap and ran my fingers across the true gut strings. The sound and timber was fantastic! The strings sounded like they were in tune. I positioned the fingers of my left hand on the frets and strummed a chord. It echoed across the clearing. Play a song for me, said Aranon, grabbing another chair and sitting beside me by the fire. I strummed for a while and then played Blowin In the Wind, one of the first folk songs I had learned. Aranon listened in rapt attention, nodding at intervals. When I finished, he remained silent for a few moments. During this silence a strange sound began, like a thousand women wailing. I sat, terrified by the strange sound, shaking inside. Aranon, I finally whispered, as the sound diminished. What was
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that? They like you. He responded, in a normal voice. Who likes me? I asked, no longer whispering. I figured if he wasnt scared then I had no reason to be. The Sengalia, he replied, as if I should know. Okay, and who are they? When we began to terraform this planet we discovered a race that is indigenous to this planet. Before their planet had become cold, due to the death of their sun, eons ago, they placed their consciousness in a form of stasis, knowing, they said, that they would be revived by a race, whose purpose aligned with theirs. Their consciousness was so evolved that they were able to produce physical vehicles, bodies if you will, very rapidly. More rapidly than any of the other races we have encountered. We assume that they had learned, before their stasis, to develop physical vehicles to express through, as they had the ability to inform matter with their consciousness. They are a very old and wise race with certain powers that are unique. Such as? Youll see, he said. Why dont you sing another song? This time sing something that you wrote yourself. Golly, I said, trying to remember a song that I had written. Well, okay, but it is a really sad and lonely song.
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Thats all right, he said, if it comes from you, they will like it. As the result of a difficult and rather unhappy life, my poetry and music tended to reflect my personal pain. A lot of the abuse that I had endured was at the hands of those who said that they were acting according to Gods will. As the result of this, my music reflected my disdain for religion. I began to strum and then sing a song I wrote called Jesus Watches Me.
Jesus watches me, drowning in lifes sea; If Jesus loves me, why wont he help me? Why must the wind blow cold? Why must the sea be cold? Jesus, if you love me, teach me to grab hold. But, Jesus watches me, drowning in lifes sea; And I dont know but I dont think He loves me Cause He just watches me. Just teach me how to swim! Thats my prayer to Him
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Jesus, if you love me, teach me how to swim. Im lost and far away, I dont know how to pray Just reach your hand down and pull me out or I will drown today! But Jesus watches me, drowning in lifes sea And I dont know but I dont think He loves me Cause He just watches me. As soon as I had finished my little song, the Sengalia began their wailing again, somehow knowing that I had completed the song. Their wailing was soft and mournful, and filled with intense emotion, as if they understood my pain and related to it. I too was filled with the echo of their melancholy wail, and tears streamed from my eyes, as though I finally understood the pain that had engendered the song I had just sung. Now, said Aranon, with a knowing smile, make up a new song, a song that responds to the pain you feel, with an answer for that pain. I dont know an answer for that pain, I said, Im not sure there is one. Trust me, he said, in a gentle voice, just try it. I began to strum again and found myself making a unique
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chord pattern. I went with it and just let myself sing anything that came into my mind. What came out was not only astonishing, but I remember every word, even today. The Kingdom of God is within you, A wise man told his friends; Its not in the world or beyond the grave; Or out where the universe ends; And to enter this Kingdom of Heaven, Is very hard my friends; For it cant be done, til you become As a child before, babyhood ends. It must be as if you were born again; And everything is new; All youve been taught must be washed away; With all that you thought to be true. Master, they asked this wise man; Must we enter our mothers again? No, he said, you must enter your souls; And be born anew from within. Once your souls were as the wind;
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They had no beginning, no end; But you have bound them up with your teachings and laws; And now like dead trees theyll break but not bend. But a child knows not the teachings; And has not learned the law So with arms open wide, he seeks love and truth; And set no limits at all. But children learn from acceptance you see, So they believe all that they hear; And the trouble here is that before theyve grown, Theyll have learned of war, hate and tears: And then trying to live in the world, They forget how to live in their soul; Seeking only to control their outer world, They finally loose control. So, you must go within my friends And seek your imprisoned souls; Seek the Spirit and the Truth within and then, Be born again and be whole. For the Kingdom of God is within you, This wise man told his friends;
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Its not in the world or beyond the grave, Or out where the universe ends, Or out where the universe ends. I was in awe by what had come out of my mouth. I guess I was answering my previous song, telling myself that what I needed was within me and that I had to go within to find that injured child, and then be reborn from the inside out. I sat silently for a long time; cogitating on the words that had been channeled through me by some force I didnt yet understand. Would Jesus have said that to me if He had heard my song? Could it be that my strange arrival here was His answer? Had He actually reached His hand down and pulled me out?
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Eleven
The fire burned brightly before me, smoke rising to the sky above, wafting on the breeze like a specter momentarily occluding our view of a zillion twinkling stars. I had set the guitar down, and had wrapped myself in deep thought. I was thinking of the night that I had written my Jesus Loves Me song, sitting in an unfinished tract home at two in the morning, struggling with my fears, and my emotional pain. I felt bereft and damaged. I felt that I didnt belong anywhere. From deep inside me came this intense and desperate wail accompanied by the desire to go home. Not to my house, just across the alley, but to my real home, somewhere
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out there, amidst the stars. Even then, I was convinced that I was actually from another planet and that somehow I had been abandoned here, cut off forever from those who knew me, understood me and loved me. I am sure that many teenagers felt like this, but I didnt know that then. All I knew was what I felt, and I felt totally abandoned. I had grown up in a home that was, from the observations of others, idyllic. My parents were hard working, and we always had nice homes, the latest gadgets, and the newest car. My mother grew roses and entered them in the fair each year and had a box filled with so many ribbons she could have papered the walls of an entire room with them. My dad was a tradesman, who had eventually saved enough to open his own offset printing business. My parents finally had the dream house, the pretty yard with green grass and shady trees, three beautiful children; two of which were grown and successful; and a dog. But I was the thorn in their side. I was the one who never was able to measure up to that picture. I was the one with the psychological problems, which they insisted were groundless, unbidden. After all, hadnt they given me everything my heart desired? Hadnt they always made sure that I went to the best schools, had the best clothes, the most nutritious food, and the most expensive toys? No one could figure out what was wrong with me, especially
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me. They took me to counseling, even though they didnt believe in all that psychological mumbo-jumbo. Of course, they would never agree to attend counseling with me. What was going on with me was not their fault! I was the one who had made myself nutty. I just wanted attention! I made things up and harmed myself regularly, just for the attention. They were good parents. They were pillars of the community. They did everything they could to hide from and deny my psychological dysfunction. When people asked about me, and my obvious psychological dysfunction, they would say, Its just a phase. After all, what would the neighbors say if they thought they lived next door to a crazy kid? My parents sense of propriety and normalcy was paramount, even more important than their disturbed and disturbing daughter. I dont doubt that they loved me, but it was a conditional love, based in denial and the invalidation of my feelings. Tell me what has you so deep in thought? Aranon said, gently touching my knee to bring me back to the here and now. I was thinking about the time in my life when I wrote that song. The first one I sang. I was thinking about how things were back then, and how completely lost I felt. I thought maybe that was what had your attention. Would you like to share it with me? No, I said, a little abruptly. Not right now. Right now I want
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to ask you something. Okay, he replied, ask away. You said that the original research team that came to Earth eons ago goofed up and were made to stay there, because their karma had become connected with Earth. So, when these people from some other world were made to stay on Earth, because they goofed up, were they able to remember, in later lifetimes, that they were not from Earth? I was desperately seeking an answer that would legitimize my feelings of not belonging on Earth, of being from somewhere else. The feelings had been so intense at times that I had often found myself longing to go home. Even so, I knew that the idea was sheer insanity. Still, the feelings persisted. Could I be one of them? I asked, tears welling up in my eyes. I realized how insane such thinking was. I knew for a fact that we only lived once, and that hoping to discover that I was somehow related to this ancient race was a futile one. I am certain that you are, he said, matter-of-factly. My heart leapt and then skipped a few beats, and my mind whirled through a kaleidoscope of images, feelings. Longings to know who I really was, and where I really belonged continued to plague me. Tears flowed from my eyes as I truly felt this validation of my life long suspicion that I was not home, even though I had been born on Earth. At the same time, a chiding voice, within my
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mind, kept telling me that pinning my hope of personal validation on such an insane idea was grounded in futility. Aranon gently put his arms around me and lifted me into his lap, cuddling me, kissing my head and then rocking me gently, as the Sengalia wailed in response to the sobs I could no longer contain. Suddenly, we were surrounded by beings that were sobbing with me, and even reaching out with their small, not quite human hands, caressing my body lightly, sweetly, like children seeking to console a frightened animal. They were only about three or four feet tall, with large heads, large almond shaped eyes and small expressive mouths. They crowded around us, protectively, not oppressively, cooing and murmuring in soft, gently reassuring tones. They were naked, and yet I was not afraid of them. One of them touched my cheek gently, with one of its three fingered hands and when I looked up, peered into my eyes. I could see my reflection in his large, obsidian eyes, as he spoke to me without speaking. You are loved, dear one, he said, his words penetrating not my ears, but my thoughts. We welcome you home. You have paid your debt, and you are forgiven. From this day forth, you are reconnected to us, as part of us, even when apart from us. We will hold you forever in our consciousness, guiding you, assisting
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you and giving you strength for what is to come. We will teach you of your origins, and we will give you back what you have lost, but only if you will allow. You are the first of the lost children to return, and we rejoice in this reunion. Be at peace. I felt so loved, so accepted that my tears shifted from pain to joy, and I began hugging these little beings, one at a time, as they filed by, like children lining up for candy. Then, I fell into a deep sleep.
When I awoke, I was in the tent, wrapped in a sleeping bag. The birds were singing and shafts of sunlight bored through chinks in the tent and spotlighted aspects of the space around me. I sat up and even before I could wriggle out of the sleeping bag, Aranon was opening the tent door, his smile beaming at me, almost as bright as the sun. Tell me what happened last night was just a dream, I said, finally finding a way out of my warm, soft cocoon. You would have me lie? He asked, still smiling. Then it wasnt a dream? Not hardly, he replied, chuckling. Come, I have breakfast ready. I gotta go pee, I said, unabashed at saying so.
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Well then, I am sure there must be a place for you to do that, he said, motioning toward the nearby woods. Of course we are roughing it, so you will have to squat like your biological ancestors. Okay, I said, dejectedly, having never been comfortable with this aspect of roughing it. I padded toward the trees and found a spot, lowered my jeans and squat. When I finished I felt unsettled by the lack of tissue and the fact that I had to pull up my jeans knowing that I would be dribbling in them. I shuddered at the thought of having to do a bowel movement under these conditions. I was very glad that the need had yet to arise, but I dreaded the prospect. I wana go back after breakfast, I said, emphatically, dreading the next call of nature that was sure to come once I had eaten and moved around a bit. Aranon laughed, probably guessing at the reason for my discomfort. There are some very large leaves, he said, that are extremely helpful with personal hygiene. Let me show you where they grow, so that you can use them when you need them. Again, he chuckled, as he led me back into the forest. He pointed out a bush with large, soft leaves. These will not only help you to cleanse yourself, but they are also slightly antiseptic. I apologize, he said, contritely. I was hoping that you would
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search for something to meet your need for cleanliness and be drawn to them automatically. I was wrong. Forgive me. I am not a naturalist, I said, in defense of my own ineptitude. I have never been comfortable in the wild. I guess I have led a too sheltered life. I am not used to using leaves to clean myself. I expect toilets and tissue. I guess that is why I have always hated camping, unless it was at a campground with all the amenities, primitive as they might be. I can provide that, if it would make you more comfortable, he said, contritely. Please! I said, with emphasis. Otherwise, I just want to go back now; right away, because I dont want to do that again! Its yucky! His laughter echoed through the trees and valley, as he pulled out his electronic device and began pressing buttons. I wondered what he had done to take care of his own needs. He probably had a special little doorway he could go through to take care of his needs in a civilized fashion. After a moment a small outhouse like construction appeared and with a wave of his hand and a bow he said, Just for you, my lady. Thanks, I said, not impressed. I really wanted a bathroom, not a smelly outhouse.
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Check it out, he said, smiling. Ok, I said, still not trusting him. I went to the little shack like structure and opened the door. Inside was a duplicate of the bathroom just off my bedroom in the underground center where I was staying on Anchor. It was bigger inside than outside, just like the inside of the tri-car. I sighed with relief as I stepped backwards into the forest clearing where we were camped. I flashed a grateful smile at him and said, Thanks, I really appreciate that. I am glad that it meets your expectations, he said with a flourish, like a knight form the round table. My knight in shining armor, my Sir Lancelot, I thought to myself. At that moment, in spite of his teasing and his subterfuges, I loved him and felt loved by him. As he led me to the table, laden with food, I felt this love and a deep trust roll through me and soften my heart. I felt as though all my dreams were coming true and I had found the one I had searched for all my life. The one who cares about how I feel. The one who knows my needs and seeks to fulfill them. The one who knows my innermost secrets and still loves me. The one who brings love and laughter into my life, without strings, without my struggling to manipulate and contrive to acquire it. As I sat down at the table, filled with plates of fried eggs and bacon, stacks of toast and piles of pancakes, a pitcher of syrup
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and another of orange juice, I was filled with such gratitude that words escaped me. All I could say was yum as I ate more hungrily than I had since I had arrived here in fantasyland. I ate like a beggar presented with a banquet. I forgot about table manors and scooped food into my mouth with my hands, taking time only to smile in gratitude and to take a breath between hungry bites. It must have been the mountain air and the setting, but I simply abandoned myself to the pleasure of taste and the act of placating my unbelievable hunger. When I was finally full and had pushed myself away from the table, Aranon said, I have something special to offer you today. What? I said, feeling so sated that I just wanted to go lie down. A visit with the Highest Master of the Sengalia. He has asked if you would give him the pleasure of a visit to his home. Okay, I said, feeling both confused and honored by the invitation. But why would he want me to visit him? I mean, I am just a crazy Earther. Aranon gave me a smile filled with compassion. Because he feels that you are his long lost son. I tilted my head, thinking that I had heard wrong. Son? I asked feeling even more confused. In case you hadnt noticed, I am a female.
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In your present incarnation, yes, he responded. But in a past life, long before the dawn of your present Earth civilization, you were not a female, you were his son. Things are getting even nuttier than I have been all my life. This has got to be a dream. This has to be some sort of fantasy that I am caught up in. I am really in a back ward of the State Hospital, trussed up in a straight jacket, drooling on myself. Aranon gave me another compassionate smile and drew me to him in a gentle embrace. I know that you have been in such a place, and I know that this all must seem like some sort of deranged psychotic interlude, but trust me, it is not. The Sengalia didnt know who your were until last night when you allowed them to touch you, to embrace you. Once they knew who you were, they were filled with joy. I had no idea this would occur. I am as surprised as you are, but I believe them. If they say you are the reincarnation of the true son of the Most High, I am inclined to believe it. I have known this race for some time and I have had the privilege of being taught its history by one of their emissaries. I also know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, they would never claim something to be true that is not. They claim that they are the first race to achieve sentience, and I find no facts or even speculations that refute that. As I have said, they are older and more advanced than any other race we
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have yet encountered. They appear to live simply, like aborigines, in hovels and caves, and yet they can transport themselves to any place and time, at will. I know this to be true, for I have encountered them in many places and many times since we regenerated their planet. They can create vehicles of transportation with their will. They can retrieve information that is irretrievable through any known means, information that can be validated through scientific investigation. They can see into the past and the future with an accuracy that is undisputable. If they say you are the son of the Most High, I believe them, in spite of the fact that you are presently in a female body that is unlike their own. I felt completely overwhelmed by his statements, and wanted to just go home. I thought I could trust him, but this was way beyond my trust level. This had to be a deranged psychotic fantasy from which I knew I would eventually awaken and find myself four pointed in a hospital bed, awaiting my next dose of medication. I began to shake all over and then I either lost consciousness, or fell and hit my head and knocked myself out. The next thing I knew, I was laying on some sort of mat and the Sengalia were all around me, touching me, cooing and singing in some unknown key. To be sure, as I opened my eyes I expected doctors or nurses, with hypos, ready to re-medicate me,
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so that I would calm down, or comply or express what was expected of a normal person. Instead, I found myself surrounded by these little gray beings. The best way to describe them would be as a group of hydrocephalic children with gray skin and huge almond shaped eyes that all blinked in unison. They cooed even louder as they saw my eyes open. To say the least, I was terrified. Oh child of mine, oh son of a past empire of short sighted ineptitude, forgive us! We did not see the greater vision. We did not recognize the crystal truth that led you to do what you did. We could not comprehend that there could be a Guiding Power beyond the static comprehension of consciousness at that time. We thought we were adhering to the law, and following the tenets of our beliefs, for the good of all. A gray being had pressed through the throng surrounding me and knelt beside me, his huge eyes filled with pain and yes, tears, that streamed down his thin face and dripped from his tiny chin. He placed his hand on my forehead and I saw images that are beyond description, and felt emotions that were so intense that I couldnt breathe as they flowed through my being. Oh my beloved son, so bright, so open to the light, forgive us our harsh and unbending pomposity. The being sobbed and lay its huge head on my breast. To say the least I was frightened and confused.
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Nevertheless, I saw images, experienced feelings and connected with a consciousness that was beyond my own experience and comprehension. Then, unbidden by my conscious mind, I spoke to this being in a language that I didnt know, and yet knew exactly what I was saying. Dearest Father, forgive yourself, for you were bound by the laws of the time. I had taken it upon myself to break those laws, knowing the possibility of consequences. Yet, I was driven by a need, beyond my power to sublimate, to give birth to a new race, a race that I knew would one day rise up and teach all races everywhere a new path, a new way. Let the pain of the past shine forth and illuminate that path. Let us all forgive, and join together in the celebration of the birth of a new age and a new dispensation. Let us join together and save the children of my foolishness from their own, engendered foolishness. Help them Father, that they might develop the power to channel their uniqueness into something new and wonderful. They flounder in their present state. Believe me when I say this, Father, they are special beyond all expectations. Help them, for they hurt one another so easily, and yet they also help one another just as easily if gently directed, with kindness and love. There is a power within them beyond anything we ever imagined. Help them find it. Teach them to use it. I beg you, Father, love these children, for
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they are ever so precious. We will, my beloved son, we will, said the tearful gray being, hugging my body with great gentleness, love and acceptance, And we will help This One, whom you have become, for it is time to bring our children home.
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Twelve
Aranon had picked me up and carried me from the midst of the group of Sengalia, and I was aware of looking up and seeing the stars shining above me. I was confused and frightened by what had just occurred. I know that I had spoken to the High Master and had a clear memory of what I said and what was said to me, but all of this seemed to transpire in an alternate reality, where although I was apparently a participant, I felt more like an observer. Im confused by what just happened, I said, as Aranon reentered our camping area. Do you think you can stand? He asked.
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I dont know, I replied, I feel all washed out like a used dishrag. I could try. Aranon set me down on my feet and allowed me to stand on my own, his hands hovering on either side of my body, lest I seemed as though I may collapse. I was able to stand, but really wanted to sit down. I think Ill just sit down here on the ground, okay? I said as I began to lower myself to the ground. Aranon assisted as I began to go down just a little faster than I had anticipated. Thanks, I said grateful for his assistance. It is probably a normal reaction to what you just experienced to feel confused, he said, in response to my earlier comment. I think we will go back to the station, he added, as he began transporting our equipment and supplies with his device. That would be nice, I replied, feeling out of touch with my body. I think I need to talk to the Meathos. Yes, he stated perfunctorily. He completed his task and then, again, lifted me into his arms. It was dark, but there were two moons high in the sky and the landscape was bathed in an aerie, silvery, half-light. A breeze was blowing through the leaves of the trees caused them to catch the ambient moonlight and appear like an extension of the flickering starlight. I guess there is no point in asking you to tell me that I just
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dreamed all of that. I can only imagine your confusion and sense of unreality right now, he stated softly, giving me a gentle and understanding look. I too am still attempting to process the meaning of it all. Really? I asked, incredulous. It was hard to imagine Aranon being overwhelmed by anything. I guess this was an unexpected turn of events for you too, huh? Indeed, he replied. Obviously he was not prepared to discuss the event, and seemed to be as confused as I was. For a time he walked silently, as though processing his feelings and observations. Then, he stopped and looked down at me, and a gentle smile swept across his face in the silvery light. I want you to know that I am honored to be the one to facilitate your personal awakening. I also want you to know that nothing has changed as far as your process and how you will be treated, he stated. Okay, I responded, even more confused. So, what are you saying? Instead of responding to my question, he gave me a gentle hug, filled with emotion, as tears flooded his eyes. Then, unexpectedly, he kissed my forehead. Then, after looking up at the stars and giving a deep sigh, he said, I think we will transport the rest of the way. I think we are both weary, and yet have only
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come about half way. It would probably be best if you had a meal and some rest before we continue with your process. Sure, I replied. I didnt know what to think or feel about his shift in attitude and his sudden emotionalism. I was definitely hungry though and so I was not inclined to argue. Obviously we had spent a whole lot more time with the Sengalia than it had seemed. He took out his little device and pressed buttons and suddenly we were back in my room. He placed me in a chair by the table and began to program a meal for me, all without comment. For some reason this made me feel as though he were upset with me. I had yet to experience this quiet side of him, and it felt uncomfortable. Did I do something wrong? I asked as he placed a steaming plate of faux fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and sliced green beans before me on the table. His face was a mask of confused emotion as he placed his hand on my head. Then he gave me a look filled with love and compassion. Of course not, he replied, gently touching his fingers to my face and looking deeply into my eyes. I too am overwhelmed by the events of this day and need some time to debrief with my Director. Until I am able to do this, I must confess, I will remain a bit befuddled. Please, forgive me.
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Something really important happened, didnt it? I asked, feeling a little scared by his obvious confusion. Yes, he replied. Please, dont be frightened by this. Oh yeah, I retorted, almost angrily, but not quite. You get all weird, the strong and focused Aranon, and Im not supposed to be scared? This was an unprecedented event, he explained, sitting down in the other chair. He seemed nervous, fidgety. I was unprepared. It has nothing to do with you. Easy for you to say, I responded, still upset by his unusual behavior. I picked up a chicken leg and took a bite in spite of my feelings, still so hungry that nothing seemed more important than filling my stomach. Actually, I think it has everything to do with me, and you dont know how to treat me now, I said around a mouth full of food. Okay, he admitted, you are right. I am a bit perplexed by what has occurred. I am unsure how to proceed. Sometimes even I need assistance with my feelings. Thanks for being honest with me, I responded, feeling compassion for him. Obviously he knew more about the ramifications concerning what happened than he was saying, and what he knew was actually scaring him. At least that is how it looked to me.
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I apologize for not being honest about my feelings. I didnt want you to loose trust in me and that was wrong. My confusion and emotionalism must seem really scary to you. I have to be honest again and say that I have yet to encounter anything quite like this before and am at a loss as to how to proceed. I wanted you to think that nothing had changed, but, as you have so astutely surmised, I am unable to attain my previous perspective. Please, forgive me. He bowed his head and I was overwhelmed by his apparent shame. I reached out my hand and placed it on his hands, clasped tightly on the tabletop. I wanted to tell him everything was okay, but I knew that everything had changed and didnt quite know how to respond to that either. I didnt even understand what had really happened, who the Sengalia really were or why they thought I was some long lost relative. I mean I was human and nothing like them. Obviously I was Earth born, of human parents. This reincarnation stuff was not something I was able to easily accommodate unless I needed an excuse for the feeling that I didnt belong. Its okay, go see Dorn, or whomever it is that you need to see. Im just gona eat and then maybe I will go and visit with the Meathos. Okay? Yes, that would be a good thing, he replied, softly. I am
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sure that they will take care of you and help you to understand. Fine, I said, still shoveling food into my mouth, my hunger barely touched by what I had already consumed. I had decided that I would ask for a second helping once he left. Go, Im okay. Aranon stood and turned toward the door. Then, as if he had forgotten something, he turned back to me. Ill be back as soon as I can. He said. I nodded, still stuffing food in my mouth. I couldnt remember ever being so hungry as I had been since this experience. He went to the door and left. The room seemed suddenly so empty as the door closed, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Whats going on? I thought, as I continued to gobble my dinner. Why is Aranon so upset? Why am I so hungry? Why all of a sudden do I feel abandoned? I finished my plate of food and was about to tell the synthesizer to give me another plate of the same when something stopped me. I stood, in a state of indecision, when I felt the Meathos calling me. I walked to the pool and then into it, sitting down. As I did so my hunger subsided and I felt very sleepy. I lay down within the Meathos. Almost instantly the angel Meestra came to me, scooped me up in her arms, and together we flew to that special place, like Heaven, where we were instantly surrounded by hoards of angels
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singing and touching me. Beyond that, I have no conscious memory. I awoke in the bed with Aranon sitting beside me in the chair, his eyes were closed, and his hands were clasped together under his chin, as though he were praying. He must have sensed that I had awakened, for his eyes opened and he smiled at me. How are you feeling? He asked. Im okay, I guess. How are you feeling? Thank you for asking, he replied, softly. Im more focused, and more at peace with my position. Are you ready to do some more work? I guess, I said. What are we going to work on? He shifted in the chair, his face seemed a little uncertain. I thought that we would take a different tack this time and visit the life you had just previous to this one, so that we could get a look at what transpired that set you up for the conditions in your present incarnation. He appeared to be quite serious. Youre joking, arent you? I asked, uncertain about the validity of such a thing. No, he smiled, realizing that I was not ready to believe that
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I had lived a former life. I think that it is important for you to recognize that your consciousness, that part of you that you identify as being who you are, existed before your present incarnation. Thats bull, I said, although I was now uncertain that my cherished beliefs were as true as I had thought. People on my planet only live one life, I stated, trying to make a case for my beliefs. I dont know about your people, but my people just live once. Thats why Jesus came to save us from our sin. We only get one chance. Uh huh, he said, his voice dropping on the huh, as if to say, silly girl, you just think you know the truth about this. Well, lets just see what happens, okay? How can I be sure that you arent feeding me information that isnt real? How can I be sure that what I will experience is not contrived to make me believe in something I know isnt true? Do you really feel that the Meathos would mislead you? he asked, his face filled with concern. I dont know, I cried, bursting into tears. I am feeling so confused, I just dont know what to believe! I covered my face with my hands as I sobbed deeply, the events of the last few days whirling around in my mind. Aranon reached out and stroked my head. Just allow the
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Meathos to calm you. You neednt voyage to the past until you are ready. You will never be forced to do anything you do not want to. I am feeling so afraid, so overwhelmed, I said, still crying. I understand, he said, softly, still stroking my hair. Really, I do. Just allow the Meathos to calm you, ok? Ok, I sobbed. All right then, he said, helping me up, just sit in the pool for a few minutes. He walked me to the pool and I stepped in and sat down in the Meathos. Almost immediately my fear subsided and I slowly relaxed. I felt bathed in warmth. I looked up at Aranon, and he smiled and nodded. Better? He asked. Yes, I said. I thought about his question as to whether the Meathos would mislead me. At the moment, I didnt think they would and yet I wasnt sure I was willing to believe that I had lived previous lives. If I had, then what happened out in the Anchor wilderness, with those little gray people, just might have some validity. If it did, then somehow, at some distant point in the past, I was related to those little people. Could that actually be true? The High Master was convinced that I am the reincarnation of his long lost son.
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While I was with him I spoke to him as though I knew that was true. The words that I spoke were not mine and yet they came from me, words that acknowledged that I was his son. How could that be? I needed to know more. If I allow the Meathos to take me to a past life, if such exists, would that help me to understand? All I could do now was trust and see. Okay, I said, I am ready to do that past life thing. I dont believe in it, but I am willing to trust you and give it the benefit of the doubt. Aranon smiled. I commend you for your courage, he said, and if you like, I will join you in the pool instead of connecting through the interface. Will you be able to experience what ever happens, with me, if you do? I will be with you, as an observer, but I will not experience what you experience, no. But I will be able to guide you, and to retrieve you quickly in case the experience becomes too intense. Okay, I said, I would like that. Aranon got into the pool with me and together we both lay down and immersed ourselves in the Meathos. Almost immediately, we were transported to another place and time. I was standing in an old fashioned kitchen, and before me stood a man, a woman and a little girl of about five or six. The
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man was speaking, but I couldnt understand what he was saying. Then, suddenly, his words became quite clear. I have a present for each of you, for your birthday, said the man. He pulled a box from his jacket pocket and handed it to me. This is your gift, Poppet, may it see you through these difficult times. I took the box and opened it. Inside was a book of poetry. No, it was a book of prayers. It was The Childs Book of Prayers and passages from the Torah. Somehow I knew what it was and was deeply touched by the gift. Tears filled my eyes and I hugged the mans legs and told him that I was grateful. I was as small as the little girl who waited for her own gift. Where is my gift, Papa? She asked, as she danced around him impatiently. Ah, I know I had it, he said, smiling and teasing, as he felt his pockets for a second gift. Hum, he said, I know I brought it home. Where is my gift, Papa? She repeated excitedly. I suppose I must have put it somewhere, I guess we will have to search for it. Where shall I search? She asked, already looking in cabinets and under furniture. Ah, yes, he said, laughing, I remember now. I put it under
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your bed. He laughed loudly as she ran from the room. Oh Papa! I heard her exclaim from the other room. She ran into the kitchen with a doll. It was an old fashioned doll with a head that looked like it was made from wood, the eyes opened and closed, and when the doll was turned upside-down it said Ma-ma. Oh, Papa, she is wonderful! I will call her Gering Mdchen (Little Girl). That is a good name for her, Jennifer, he said. You are so special I thought you needed a special friend to protect you and listen to your secrets. There was a knock at the door and all of us jumped, as though something terrible were about to happen. Papa went to the door, peeked through the curtain and then opened it. A man slipped in quickly, his face wreathed in fear. We must go now, Herr Doktor, if you and your family are going to make it out of the city undetected. The SS are going door to door. They are arresting all the Jews. You are no longer safe, we must go, now! We gathered packages and bags that were sitting on the floor by the door, and followed the man out the door and down wooden steps to a car that looked like it was made in the 1920s, and got into the back seat. The man drove as we all scrunched down on the floor of the back seat, so that we would not be seen.
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We drove for what seemed like hours, and my body was becoming cramped from hunching down with my twin sister beneath me on the floorboards. Finally, the car stopped. This is as far as I dare take you, Herr Doktor. If you walk northeast, you can reach Austria in just a few days. I wish I could take you the whole way, but I would be missed and my family would be in danger. May God protect you. We all got out and my parents hugged the man and he then sped away, leaving us in the woods, darker than a cave and twice as cold. We trudged off through the snow. Earlier we had been instructed to put on layers of clothes and socks and Papa had purchased shoes for us all that were a size larger than normal, so that our feet would fit into them. Nevertheless, it was very cold, and after many hours of walking through the dark and frightening forest, we found a cave and huddled together, as Papa gave each of us bread and cheese to eat. Meathos, thought Aranon, although it seemed like he spoke aloud, take us forward three days. Suddenly we were huddled under a bridge, and my parents each held one of us, placing a hand over our mouths to insure that we remained silent. Above us, two soldiers smoked and laughed about a woman they had been with the night before. Then, one of the soldiers noticed footprints in the snow below the
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bridge. They decided to investigate. As they were preparing to descend the embankment to the frozen river below, Papa nodded and both he and Mama each picked us up and began to run the other direction, down the icy bank. My father had me and my mother had Jennifer. At first I thought we would get away, around the bend before they saw us, but then I heard the crack of a gun being fired, and my father fell on top of me and together we slid across the ice. I felt my fathers breath on the back of my neck as he spoke, weakly, his voice gurgling as though he had a terrible cold. You are the man now, my son, he said, choking. Then he went limp, his weight crushing my body into the freezing ice. After what seemed like forever, his body was lifted off me, and I was pulled up by one arm and dragged back toward the river bank where my mother stood holding my sister tightly, sobbing, while the other soldier held a gun on her. Take the children to the truck and bind them, said the soldier that held me, and then he tossed me to the ground before the other soldier. He then grabbed Jennifer from my mothers arms and tossed her to the ground beside me, like a sack of grain. She screamed and then sobbed. I put my arms around her and comforted her, taking on my new role as man of the family. I knew better than to speak. Then the other soldier put his gun over his shoulder, sliding
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his arm through the strap, and picked us up, each by an arm, and dragged us up the embankment as we both sobbed. The first soldier then took my mother away, but as we were being tied up, I heard her screams. They seemed to go on and on, and Jennifer and I, shocked and terrified, could only sit and listen, and sob. Then, there was another crack of a gun. The screams stopped. Silence hung in the cold dampness of the back of the truck, and both Jennifer and I were afraid to even breathe. Then there was the sound of footsteps on the frozen ground outside the truck as the other soldier returned and then hopped into the drivers seat. He started the truck and drove on down the frozen road. We knew then that our mother was dead. We were alone now, and I was the man. I took Jennifer into my arms and held her as tears silently slipped from our eyes. Meathos, thought Aranon again, move forward another three days. Suddenly, we were in a dark place, filled with people and the sounds of praying and crying, and of metal wheels on metal tracks, clacking and clacking. Jennifer and I were tied together, back to back. We sat in dirty hay, cold and hungry, thirsty and frightened. Each time that Jennifer fell over, I pulled her up. An old bearded man, maybe a Rabbi, dipped the cover of a gold watch into a bucket of water that hung on a wall and gently gave
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Jennifer and I sips of water from it. He had tried to untie us, but each hour the train would stop and soldiers would open the doors and toss those who had died into the snow, refill the water buckets with snow and then would tie us up once again, so he left us tied. We were a package for Doktor Mengela, and were not to be separated. We were twins, and Mengela wanted twins. He had plans for us, if we survived the journey. Again, the train stopped and we all expected the soldiers to come and toss out the dead and refill the buckets, but instead, soldiers began pulling all of us off the train and herding us all toward a bleak-looking compound surrounded with razor wire. Jennifer and I couldnt get up, as we were tied together, and she was too weak to stand. A soldier picked us both up by our tethers and hauled us toward a brick building, set off from the area surrounded in razor wire. As soon as he entered the building he dropped us on a cold tile floor, signed some sort of paperwork on a clipboard and left. The room was warmer than the train, and we sat there, tied together, looking around us, terrified by what might happen next. A door opened and a nurse entered and untied us. She checked us both over and then told us to get up. I was able to, but Jennifer was too weak. The nurse picked her up. We must have been around six years old, but we didnt weigh much. Then she
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took my hand and took us into a large ward, filled with white metal beds and hollow eyed children with shaven heads, staring blankly. The nurse took us to some sort of examination room where she undressed us and then looked us over. After that we were bathed in a huge metal tub filled with warm water, and then after that our heads were shaved. Then we were led to another room, where a man in white forced us into chairs with straps and then strapped down our arms to the arms of the chairs. After that numbers were tattooed on our arms with white-hot pain as we screamed and sobbed.
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Thirteen
Aranon stood beside me in an exercise yard behind the experimental compound at Auschwitz. Here there were high chain link fences, topped with razor wire, but across the dirt road, the camp was surrounded with rolls of razor wire only. As I looked across the muddy, slush and ice filled dirt road in the dim early morning light, I saw banks of crude wooden buildings that stretched as far as I could see through the foggy mists. Along the fence stood gaunt, hollow-eyed people in gray and white stripped uniforms, all sexless with their shaven heads, as they waited for their only meal of the day. My heart was breaking, as I lifted my
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eyes to the two tall, yellowish brick smoke stacks that released the smoke from the crematoriums. I knew this place, but how could that be? How can this be? I asked, as tears flowed from my eyes. After the painful tattooing, Aranon had pulled me from the body that I had connected with through the Meathos. He stood beside me now, as we investigated the place where I allegedly spent the last days of my previous life. Within each being, every living thing, there is what is called a Permanent Atom, he replied, after a pregnant silence punctuated only by the sound of the trucks moving on the muddy road between the two compounds. Upon that Permanent Atom is etched every experience that it has encountered since it first individuated at the dawn of Creation. As the body or the vehicle dies, that Permanent Atom is released, to await the magnetic call of a forming vehicle, a developing body of expression. That Atom never dies, although there might be lengthy periods of waiting for just the right vehicle, just the right genetic circumstances to meet its needs. But there are more people alive in my time than have ever lived in all the civilizations throughout history, so how do you explain that? I asked, feeling that I had him there. Are you certain of that? He responded, gently.
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Well, thats what the sociologists and archeologists say, I countered. Are you aware that there have been at least 3 major civilizations on Earth before the last Ice Age? There is no proof of that, I said, holding tight to my beliefs. The proofs are there, but your science is not yet advanced enough to uncover them, he replied. Nevertheless, there are thousands of planets, just within your own Milky Way galaxy, that have the capability to sustain sentient life, and the number of Permanent Atoms in the universe is as numerous as the grains of sand upon a thousand sea shores. Oh, yeah, I replied angrily. You can say just about anything and I have no way to refute it. After all, your race is a heck of a lot more advanced than my race. Ahh, he said. He gave me a gentle smile and I realized that because of that advancement maybe he did know things I could not, things that my present civilization had yet to discover. Ok, I replied, feeling put in my place. Still, its really hard to believe. I mean it goes against everything Ive been taught. And yet if you had been raised and educated in India or China, your perceptions about reincarnation would probably be quite different. But this, I said, with a sweep of my hand toward the camp
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across the road, this is really hard to believe. I mean I was born the day the war was over. How could I have been here too? It could be that because you are an advanced soul you returned vary rapidly after the death of your last vehicle, into a new physical vehicle. There are other reasons you may have returned quickly, like the possibility that you had unfinished business to attend to that could not wait until this past life experience was nothing but a distant memory in the consciousness of your race. Okay, but I am a boy here, how can that be? The soul has no gender, that is something that only the physical body requires for the propitiation of the race. The soul has no need to reproduce, as all the permanent atoms ever created still exist and will continue to exist until the Creator recalls them all Home. You have been both male and female throughout your many life experiences. So, I said, feeling a little queasy, I really could be that little gray guys long lost son? Yes, you could very well be. Can we stop now? We could, but we will eventually have to return, for we have yet to complete this process and discover the event or events that generated the pattern for your present life.
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Well, its pretty obvious that my last life was terribly traumatic, isnt that enough? No, he said, gently. I realize that this is difficult for you and that you would rather not face these events. Nevertheless, in order to defuse a non-progressive pattern, it is necessary to understand its origins. Appropriate shifts in conscious must be self-generated. In order to accomplish this, it is necessary to release the energy of the trauma or traumas that generated the distortions in consciousness that hold the non-progressive pattern in place. Yeah, right. Aranon gave me a smile, and placed his hand gently on my shoulder. We stood there for a long while, watching the camp across the road as the inmates were fed and led off in groups to toil at whatever the Nazi soldiers had in store for them. After a time, smoke began rising from the smoke stacks and a sickeningly sweet smell began to permeate the air. All I wanted to do was go home, to my miserable life with parents that didnt understand me. At least I ate regular meals and could take long walks while listening to music on my portable radio. At least I didnt have to face the horrors of living on the edge of death because of the prejudices of others, or to be dehumanized and tortured, ceaselessly, without hope.
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How could anyone ever feel good about life after experiencing this? I asked, as tears streamed down my face, a sense of hopelessness becoming an all-consuming fire within my heart. On the other hand, how could anyone, having survived such horror, not hold life as a gift, to be cherished and enjoyed? He replied, his face a study in deep compassion and love. Once again I was the six-year-old Poppet, lying in a white steel bed with high sidebars, like a cage without a top, like a white metal prison. The lights had come on, and one at a time we were taken from our bed-cages, dressed in white uniforms and led to a large room where we were fed. There was porridge and milk. I wondered why we were fed so well, when just across the road, others slowly starved. After breakfast we were led to another large room with tables surrounded with chairs, and upon the tables were stacks of picture books, puzzles, paper and pencils. Around the room were shelves of toys. We were told to sit and given a book or a puzzle, and then left to sit. For the first time I began to look at the children around me. They sat silently, some looked at the books, some put
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together puzzles, but no one moved from the chair they were seated in, and no one talked. Some of the children had deformities. Some had large scars on their heads; some were missing limbs, eyes, and other parts of their bodies. Each had a twin, usually beside them. Jennifer sat two seats away from me, sullen, silent, in shock just as I was. As the result of this shock I just sat, studying the room and its occupants. In each corner of the room sat a matronly woman in white, watching us. When one of the children made a noise, sternness would roll across their faces, their eyes on the perpetrator. Silence resumed. Then, men in white came in and gathered a set of twins and took them away. This was repeated until only Jennifer and I sat alone at the table. Finally, a man in white came for us, taking each of us by the hand and leading us to another part of the building and into a small room where another man sat at a table. Sitzen sie, (you sit) commanded the man, and motioned us to chairs on the opposite side of the table. We sat. I will ask you questions and you will answer quickly. If you do not answer quickly, you will be punished. This was a statement, and there didnt seem to be any response required. He asked us each to count as high as we could, but stopped us at around thirty, seemingly satisfied that we were capable of
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counting. Then he showed us words, and we were asked to read them. Some we could read, some we could not. At first I was frightened that we would be punished for not knowing some of the words, but we were not. Maybe because we told him that we didnt know the word instead of not answering. Then he began to ask us questions. What is your name? How old are you? Are you a Jew? What did your father do? What did your mother do? Did you go to school? Question after question. Finally, he split us up, Jennifer at one end of the table, me at the other, and a tall board was placed between us, so that we could not observe one another. Then we were asked to either draw pictures or look at pictures. First I was shown a picture, and Jennifer was asked to draw one. Then Jennifer was shown a picture and I was asked to draw one. Then we were asked to choose colored blocks from a stack in front of us and put them in a row across the table before us. Meathos, thought Aranon, Move forward seven days. Suddenly, I was strapped in a chair, my arms strapped down tight and an IV was carrying something into a vein in my arm. I was being told to go to Jennifer, which I seemed to be able to do easily. I stood before her, where she too was strapped into a chair, and I spoke to her and told her not to be afraid. I then, on the command of the tester, entered her mind. She recognized me
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and I held her, as if we were back in our room, in our beds, and I was telling her that I loved her. Meathos, thought Aranon, again, Move forward seven more days. A man was talking to me, but he was not a tester or a doctor, he was an SS officer in a crisp, clean dress uniform. He identified himself as Herr Richter. He spoke to me gently, kindly. He asked if I would come with him, to his home. I was afraid not to comply, so I said yes. He took me in his car, a big black car with running boards and swastikas painted on the sides and on flags that were affixed to the front behind the headlights. We drove for a long time, and all the while he asked me many things, like had I ever flown a kite, and did I like trains. Finally we arrived at a huge castle-like mansion, on a hill, overlooking a blue river that ran like a ribbon through a green valley below. Once inside he instructed a manservant to attend to me. I was taken up a winding staircase into a large room with huge windows and French doors opening on to a balcony. I was taken into a large bathroom, undressed and then bathed in a tub filled with steamy water covered with foamy bubbles. I was given a boat to play with while I was scrubbed from head to toe. Then, I was dressed in a fine suit of clothes, consisting of knickers and
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high topped hose, a white, starched shirt, a tie and a jacket. Then I was led back down the winding staircase to a formal dining room, where a long table surrounded with high backed chairs, was laden with foods that I had never seen. Rolls in baskets, butter and cheeses, pitchers of milk and bowls of fruit, steaming hunks of cooked meat, bowls of vegetables, all awaiting my choosing. I ate like the starving child I was, enjoying myself immensely. I had never eaten such a dinner, not even at home with my mother and father. After dinner he took me into a room and showed me cartoons, projected on the wall, something I had never seen. After that he took me upstairs again, to a large room filled with tables of electric trains, whose tracks ran through miniature towns and forests, as whistles blew and smoke puffed from tiny smoke stacks on the engines. I was filled with delight and wonder and laughed and chattered like a normal six-year-old having fun. Often Herr Richter would hug me and laugh delightedly at my enthusiasm and joy. Then he took me to another room, a childs room, filled with books and toys and a huge soft bed where he said I could stay the night. On the shelf was a picture of a boy my age that looked like me. Both Jennifer and I were blond and blue eyed, taking after our full-blooded German mother. This little boy had a
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winsome face, laughing blue eyes, blond hair that was feathered by a breeze and a mouth that was pulled up on one side in a half smile. I asked him about the boy and he balked, his eyes filling with tears. My son, he said, picking up the black and white photo and caressing it lovingly. He died last year, in Leipzig, during an air raid. Then he took the photo away with him after he told me to get undressed and go to bed. Meathos, thought Aranon, once again, Move forward seven more days. I had been living at the mansion with Herr Richter for a week. He had told me that he loved me and wanted to adopt me. I asked him about my sister. Will you adopt her too? I asked. Forget her, she is not your concern, he stated flatly. She is my sister, my blood, and I am her brother, the man in the family now. I must take care of her. I have been away from her too long. It is you I want, not your sister, he said sternly. You must forget her. You must forget your past. You must deny your Judaism, and become a Lutheran, like your adoptive father. I will accept nothing less! I cannot Herr Richter! I said with deep conviction. She is
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my sister, and I must care for her, my Papa told me I must! For the first time since our capture and internment in Auschwitz I was suddenly very concerned about Jennifer, whom I had not seen in over a week. I miss her, I said, she needs me. I need you! he shouted and threw his napkin on the table, angrily, where we were eating breakfast. He stood up, glaring at me. Renounce her, renounce your Judaism! Now! I can not! I shouted back, boldly, ignorant of the chance I was taking by doing so. He came around the table and pulled me from my chair. I was shocked and frightened by this. He pulled down my knickers, as if to spank me, but instead lifted me up and laid my upper body on the table, my bear legs dangling off the edge. Do you want me to show you what Jew Dogs are for? He shouted, crazy with anger. My only response was to cry and beg for him to stop. You are nothing as a Jew, nothing! You are a thing to be used! Then, although I didnt know what he was doing at the time, he anally raped me, and I screamed in pain and horror. When he was finished he tossed me on the floor and called the manservant. I was gathered up, taken upstairs and placed in my old dirty clothes and then Herr Richter took me back to the compound at Auschwitz. All the way back he continued to berate
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me, calling me an animal, scum, a filthy Jew Dog. I was afraid to cry now, as we drew near the compound, for each time I did he would stop the car and pull me out and rape me again, laying my upper body across the front bumper of the car. When we arrived back at the compound he called a group of soldiers over and told then to have their way with me and I was raped throughout that night and then dumped, unceremoniously, in the front hall of the research compound. A nurse retrieved me and took me to my bed. Jennifer stood beside my bed, looking thin and gaunt, her eyes hollow, saying nothing, just staring at me. Her clothes hung on her like rags and her eyes seemed dead. I sobbed as I saw her. Still, she just stood, unmoving, and unmoved by my emotion. She was too weak and terrified to cry. Meathos, thought Aranon, once again, Move forward twenty four hours. I stood, wracked with physical and emotional pain, at the fence in the exercise yard, looking out through the chain link fence at the smoke stacks across the muddy road thinking, Tomorrow, Ill be smoke. Later that day, Jennifer and I were taken and strapped to tables. We had been injected with a drug and from what I could gather from what was being said around me, they were going to do an experiment to see whether if they killed one of us while we
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were linked psychically through the use of drugs, if the other would die as well. I knew that our lives were about to end. I prayed for my Papas forgiveness for not caring for Jennifer. I prayed that God would forgive me for allowing Herr Richter to fool me with gifts and food and false happiness so that I would turn from Him. But I did not! I told myself, over and over, terrified by what I knew would soon come. Finally, the test began, and instead of hurting me, they hurt Jennifer, cutting her abdomen open only to do nothing but let her die as I tried in vain to pull her to me, to save her from the pain. But she refused to come to me. She was angry and hurt by my abandonment of her and like a sulky child; she kept pulling away from me. She died, and I couldnt save her! Then, as sort of a final painful indignity, at the urging of Herr Richter, who stood and watched, my genitals were cut off, and I was allowed to slowly bleed to death, as he shouted at me, You will never be a man now! Then, suddenly, as if nothing at all had happened, Jennifer and I stood in the hallway outside of the testing rooms. We were surprised by this, and I drew her to me and hugged her and told her that I had refused to leave her and that this is why all this had happened. She hugged me back and told me that she forgave
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me. Then a bright and shining being came to us. He smiled softly as he picked us both up and walked into a tunnel of light. The next thing I knew, I was lying in my bed on Ancore, and Aranon was in the chair next to the bed waiting for me to awaken. His face was filled with sadness and compassion. Is it over? I asked, feeling wrung out, spent. Yes, he said, as a tear slipped from his eye, its over.
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Fourteen
You know that we are going to have to discuss this past life experience in order to put everything in its proper perspective, Christy, he said to me, sitting at the table with me as I ate breakfast. I dont know if I can do that right now, I replied, playing with my food. Hunger seemed to be the last thing on my mind, but I had agreed to try to eat something, because Aranon explained that intense emotional pain for a sustained period of time could deplete the body. I felt depleted and yet I felt as though I didnt
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deserve to be fed while millions were, even today, being deprived of even the basic sustenance. Okay, but the sooner we get at this, the more we will be able to accomplish. What difference does it make? I replied, sullenly. Ah, he said, his face somber, that is the point. The sooner you can see how the pieces of the puzzle fit together, the greater the difference it can make. Damn it! I shouted, dropping my spoon and getting up from my chair. Cant you just leave me alone for just a couple of days? What is it with you? Do you get off seeing me writhe in pain? I balled up my fists and glared at him, angrily. Go away, damn it! Just go away! I understand your pain and you have every reason to be angry, he said, remaining seated, remaining calm. Let me help you with this. It will do no good to put this off, for in doing so you just make it that much more difficult to clear the emotions. The more you suppress it, the worse it will get, believe me. I just want some peace! I cried, doubling over and sobbing deeply. Slowly I lowered myself to the floor, aching inside as though I were on fire in my gut. I know, he responded, moving from his chair to my side, smoothing back my hair and placing his hand on the feverish back
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of my neck. Please, let me help you with this, Christy. It isnt necessary for you to remain in such pain. At least let me take you to the Meathos. No! I shouted, and then screamed, every time I go to the Meathos, things just get worse! I continued to sob, loudly. Suddenly, there was a shift in me, and the screams stopped. Someone else had emerged; to protect me, I suppose. Dont touch me, a voice shouted from my mouth in a commanding voice. I pulled away from Aranon. I warn you, I dont care how big you are, I can still scratch your eyes out! Aranon moved back a few feet, and then returned to his chair. He remained silent for a few moments, re-evaluating the situation. He now realized he was dealing with another aspect of my personality. Do you have a name? He asked gently, exuding calmness. Im nobody you want to tangle with, you freaking giant! Im mean and Im strong and I wont take any shit from you or anybody, I dont care how big you are! What would you like me to call you? He persisted. The Bitch! Aranon smiled, obviously suppressing a laugh. I am sure that you are quite formidable as the protector of
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this system and that the name you have chosen is appropriate, according to your thinking, he responded. But I would really like to call you something a little less demeaning. I think you deserve that much, dont you? This alternate aspect had to stop and think about that. If the truth be told, she had never confronted someone who was concerned about whether or not she was demeaned. In fact, in most cases, she had been wrestled to the floor and shot full of drugs by burly aids. This was not like any hospital she had ever been in. Where is this? She asked, relaxing her stance a little, but holding her anger in reserve, just in case. This is Anchor Station Reorientation Center. I am Aranon, and I only desire to assist you, not to control you or overpower you. Well thats a switch, she said, taken aback. Why is Christy so upset then? Because she has just connected with a memory that is extremely painful, and is afraid to continue because she fears she may become trapped in the pain, he explained. Well, said the alter, thrusting her chin out and tightening her fists, is that something she needs to be afraid of? No, replied Aranon, calmly. Actually, the situation is just
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the opposite. If she refuses to face the pain and work through it, things will only get worse. All I want to do is to assist her in releasing the pain, not in compounding it. Well thats Christy, said the alter, a real wimp! Wimp? Asked Aranon, unfamiliar with the term. A fraidycat. She runs from or freezes up in the face of anything that makes her feel. She has no guts. A real gutless wonder. I see, he replied. So how do I help her with that without making things worse, without frightening her more? Maybe you need to tell me what this is all about, she replied. Only if you are willing to give me a name to call you by that isnt demeaning to you. Okay, you can call me Kerry, but if you fuck with me buster, Ill hurt you, got that? Agreed, replied Aranon, smiling at her brashness. The reason you are both here is because Christy attempted a meditation that had the potential of scattering your atoms throughout the universe. We interceded, and offered to assist her, every part of her, even you in fact. We offer to assist you in discovering your true potential and harnessing it so that you can not only live a more rewarding life, but also assist others in doing
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the same. Part of this process is visiting your past and looking at the traumas that shattered your consciousness and emotions, reevaluating them and your perceptions of them, so that you can move past them. We also desire to restore to you the innate power you have within you to heal your inner wounds and reclaim your true potential. Sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook to me, she replied. Okay, smiled Aranon, So tell me, Kerry, what is your hearts desire? To be free of inner pain and strong enough to keep others from hurting us again. Good, he replied, and that is exactly what we are offering you. What do you mean, WE? she asked, snidely, as this was her way. What, you got a mouse in your pocket? I mean those of us here at Anchor Station who are involved in the process of your healing. Not my healing, Troll. Christy may need it, the littles may need it, but I am just fine thank you. Okay, replied Aranon, amiably. But I may need your help. Okay, she said, thinking this over. But I rule, got that? Of course. He smiled conspiratorially. So, Gargantua, how can I help?
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Well, he said, thinking on how best she could facilitate the release of the most recent experience. I need to get her in that pool there, he replied, motioning toward the Meathos. What for? She asked, looking at the pool. Because it is not water but rather a medium through which she can release her fear without harming herself. Really? She asked, walking toward the pool. Like what is it then? It is a living substance that can calm and emotionally support an individual while reconnecting them to the memories that they need to face in order to heal, he replied, honestly. She had reached the edge of the pool. Pretty advanced stuff, she said, sitting down on the edge of the pool and swishing her hand through the Meathos. Who thought that up? Even as her hand touched the Meathos, a smile swept across her face. It feels strange, but nice. Its called the Meathos, and we discovered it in our travels to other planets. It is sentient, and deeply caring. It volunteered to assist us in our work. I knew you were an alien, she said. Youre too big to be an Earthling. So, why would you aliens want to help us? Because that is our desire, our purpose in being. It became our commitment to assist those of Earth when we realized that if
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we didnt assist your people, you would destroy yourselves within a few centuries along with a whole group of other planets with sentient life on them. Really? She said, mesmerized by the feelings that the Meathos was producing in her as she moved her hand in it. Really. Would you like to get into it and feel what it feels like? You trying to trick me, King Kong? Its your choice, he replied. But I promise you, there is no danger. It is against my nature to harm or to deceive anyone. So you say, Godzilla, but its against my nature to trust anyone I cant throw across a room. Aranon laughed. I am certain that you are quite formidable, in spite of you size, he said after getting his laughter under control. Oh yeah? She said, thinking that he was making fun of her. You wana try me on, Gonzo? Ill wipe that smile off your face in a minute. I truly believe that you could do it too, he replied, sobering. Forgive me, Kerry. I was not making fun of you; its just that I find your style rather humorous. I have no intension of tricking you or trying to coerce you into doing anything you do not choose to do. She had to think about that for a moment. He wasnt such a
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bad guy once you got past his size. He could have broken her in two at any time, but he just sat there, calmly, letting her call him names, letting her treat him like a piece of shit. She was still swishing her hand lazily, back and forth in the Meathos. It did seem to have a calming effect, and yet she still felt in control. Maybe she would try getting into the pool. Do I have to undress to get in? No, he said, it isnt water and it wont make any difference if you are clothed or not. If you will pull your hand out for a second you will see that it doesnt cling or drip like water would. She pulled out her hand and studied it. Its completely dry, she observed, how weird. Without fanfare she tossed her legs over the edge and slipped into the pool. Its sorta like Jell-O, but without the sticky. Not hot or cold. I kinda like it, it feels, well friendly. Thats because it likes you, or should I say it likes your beingness, the all of you. Thats stupid. Why would it like me, Im a bitch. You may see yourself that way, but that isnt what you really are, you know. Oh yeah? She asked testily, So what am I, really? You are the systems protector, and a damned good one at that, I might add, he replied, smiling.
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Yeah? Her face was filled with surprise, and maybe a little pride. Well, thanks. I guess youre okay too. She was starting to really relax. In fact she was feeling a little sleepy. I think Im gona go now, she said, and even her voice sounded a little groggy. I guess I helped you. I got her in here. Its your show now. With that she disengaged her consciousness from the body as it slid under the surface of the Meathos. Aranon breathed a sigh of relief as he went to the interface and plugged in. Christy, he thought, gently, can you hear me? Yes, I replied, realizing that I was once again in the Meathos. That wasnt fair, I thought back at him. What wasnt fair? Taking advantage of my pain to put me back in here. You got in of your own accord, he replied. Ask the Meathos. I did and Meestra came to me and said that he was telling the truth. I explained to the angel that I didnt remember doing so, and so she showed me all that had transpired since I fell to the floor in pain. I was both amused and angered by the experience. I asked her if there was some way to stop this other person from coming out and taking over, and she smiled at me. She told me that it would be like trying to amputate one of my legs without
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crippling me. She said that in spite of the fact that I was unable, at this time, to remain conscious while another aspect of myself was in control of the body, that each aspect was part of me and had a purpose in being. She told me that until I was ready to allow that purpose to reveal itself, I would be unable to allow myself to coexist with my other aspects. Then she held me and rocked me gently, telling me that I was dearly loved and that if there were a way for me to heal without the necessity of walking through my pain, she would surely suggest it.
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Fifteen
Are you ready to complete this process? Asked Aranon through the interface. I dont know. What is it that I am supposed to be doing? Together, we will be looking at how the circumstances and events of your previous life have affected your present life, he replied. I dont have a clue, I responded. Thats why I am here. To help you to put the pieces together. What difference does it make? I asked. How can it matter now anyway?
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Because the engrams, the charged memories of that time are still with you, still determining your responses to life and lifes experiences. They affect your body and how it functions, they affect your sense of identity and purpose, He replied. How? All that happened before I was born into this body. It was on the other side of the world. How could all that be affecting me now? Lets find out, shall we? Whatever, I replied, resigning myself to this process that I seemed to have no control over. Tell me of your earliest memory in this life. My mom used to have to force me to eat. I hated to eat. When I wouldnt eat, my mom would put me at a little table, a child sized table on the other side of the kitchen. I would sit there for two to three hours waiting for my daddy to come home, and then he would feed me, making airplanes with the spoon filled with food. Why do you suppose that you refused to eat? I dont know, because I wanted my daddy to feed me, I guess. Why do you suppose you needed to be nurtured in order to eat? I dont know, I responded, feeling frustrated.
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What did your mother say to you, when you refused to eat? She said I should be grateful for my food because there were many children in the world who had nothing to eat. Remember how guilty you felt, as Poppet, when you were fed well at the research center while just across the road thousands starved? But I couldnt remember that. Somewhere, deep inside you, you remembered. Think about it. As I attempted to remember, I was suddenly transported back to that two-year-old body, sitting at the tiny table in the corner of the kitchen. I remember my imaginary friend, Jennifer, sitting across from me, gaunt and hollow-eyed, taunting me. Youre such a bad girl, she taunted, you never do what you are told. Your mother hates you, you know. You are so bad! Tell me about this imaginary friend, he asked, obviously hearing my thoughts as if I had spoken them. I thought for a moment and then a shock ran through me as I realized that this imaginary friend had the same name as my sister in my last life. Her name was an unusual one in the late 1930s war torn Germany. She was named after our paternal grandmother who lived in France, the country of my fathers birth. I thought of her face as she stood beside my bed that morning, as
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I lay seriously injured from a night of abusive rapes. She couldnt have known what had happened to me; all she knew was that I had abandoned her and that I had gone off with the enemy, dishonoring my Papas wishes. The gaunt face and the hollow eyes hunted me, even into my next life! So much so, that I recreated her in this life, to punish myself for those past life transgressions. She always came to punish me. How would she punish you? He asked. She would make me sit out in the snow, without a jacket, till I turned blue. She would make me hold my bare feet to a frozen window pain, until they stuck there, causing frostbite. She would call me names and taunt me incessantly. I didnt make her up, did I? Its possible that her disembodied spirit visited you. It is also possible that you were not as closed to the memories of your past incarnation as you think, in which case, you recreated her from those memories, as the result of your intense guilt at what happened to her. Tell me more. I remember playing in the back yard with my brother one day, when a large airplane flew over, very low, on approach to a nearby military air base. As soon as I saw it I screamed and ran into the garage, and hid under a worktable, covering my head and
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crying. My brother laughed at my antics, making fun of my fear of airplanes. Ah, he responded, gently, as though you had previously been in an air raid. Not uncommon in post war children in Europe, but unheard of in post war American children. Can you see the pattern? Okay, I replied. I had some memoriesmaybe. And if you did have some past life memories, maybe you were affected in other ways as well. I guess so, maybe. So lets see where else this past life experience encroached on your present life. Tell me more. I dont know, I answered, trying to remember other memories that could have affected me. When I was eleven or twelve, I built a prison for myself in my back yard by wrapping some old left over chain link fence around an old ping-pong table we didnt use anymore. I stopped talking in school, and wrote numbers on my arm in permanent ink. Thats very interesting, he responded. And tell me, what do you think precipitated that? I saw this movie on TV called The Search, and I identified with the little boy portrayed in the movie. It was the story of a little boy whod been in a Nazi prison camp.
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An unusually intense identification, dont you think? I guess it was, looking back on it now. I was obsessed with thoughts and visions about Nazi Germany, as well as Auschwitz. I went through several periods of time where I didnt speak, and I even wrote a story about being in Nazi Germany during the war, called My War. I always felt out of place, out of time, lost, alone, and frightened, but I always attributed that to my emotional problems. Even in high school, years later, I drew pictures of hollowed eyed children, and when we studied the Holocaust, and were shown pictures of the piles of bodies in a pit, I searched for a familiar face among those dead bodies and knew in my heart that I had been there. I saw The Diary Of Anne Frank three times and connected deep within my soul with that fear of discovery and arrest by the Nazis. But, Aranon, I was a troubled child, looking for something to connect with. I even taught myself German from a record my mom bought me. I mean, isnt this all just too convenient as an explanation of all that? Maybe, maybe not. Think back, how many other children did you know growing up who were as obsessed with this material as you were? None. Does that tell you anything? I dont know. Most of the kids I grew up with had happy
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homes. Were your siblings as affected by your family life as you were? No, I responded, but they were not raped as children, like I was. Do you know how many times you were raped as a child in this life? Just once that I can remember, but it was enough to screw me up. Well, he replied, we will be looking at that later, but in spite of that, it seems that you were unusually obsessed with these things. Tell me, what was the number that you wrote on your arm? A-780 That could easily be the number that you were given when you and your sister arrived. It places you there sometime in 1941. Do you remember your last name? No, and Poppet was a nick name, not my real name, so I have no idea who I was. But you are certain that your twins name was Jennifer? As sure as I can be about something that may just as well be a fantasy, I replied. We will do some research and see what we can find. In the
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mean time, I think it is safe to assume that you were there with your twin sister. I dont think you just made this up as a means of dealing with your present lifes pain. Ok, I replied, not quite knowing how to feel about what he said. There is also a correlation between your present lifes abuse and this past life abuse. This is not just something that has occurred in your case alone, but in the cases of others with whom we have worked from this time. It appears that many individuals become drawn to, almost magnetically pulled toward abusive situations, over and over, until the original incident is discovered and understood. Its almost as if they are seeking to recreate the original incident. Often times these are incidences in which they participated as an abuser, not the victim. You mean, some time way back when, I did horrible things to someone, and I keep punishing myself for it? Something like that, yes, he replied. So why arent we looking for that? One thing at a time, he responded. At this time we are only attempting to connect your most recent past life experience with your present life. So, because I was sexually abused in that life, I was sexually abused in this life?
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Yes, but there is more to it than that. You were given drugs, just before your death in that past life, drugs that opened up your psychic abilities and you died while you were psychically open. This means that you probably came into your present life more psychically aware than most. It could also mean that your psychic centers were already activated at your birth. Does that seem like a possibility to you? Well, I replied, I have always been able to see the colors around people. I have been told that this is a psychic gift. At first I thought everyone could see them, but I learned that wasnt true when I was around five. After that, I never let anyone know I could see them. What did your parents think of that? They thought I had an over-active imagination. Ah, he replied in an understanding tone. Are we done now? Lets see if we can pull it all together. In this past life, you died believing that you failed your sister and your father. In this life you were visited at an early age, by the specter of your sister, who desired to see you punished. Also, in this life you felt that you would never measure up, that you were a failure, even before you became an adult. I also have always wanted to be a boy, and felt that if I were
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a boy, I would be able to accomplish things that girls couldnt, things that my brothers accomplished, seemingly easily. Good! Part of that may have been the result of growing up with two brothers who were never abused and were possibly doted on by your parents. Or, it could be that your parents were more in tune with the needs and the personalities of boys, and you felt that if you could have been a boy they would have treated you better. Nevertheless, all things are interrelated, and you were probably drawn to your present parents as the result of their genetics and their personality traits. Furthermore, you were drawn into this body, possibly with all of your psychic centers open, so you would have been unusually sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others, especially your parents and siblings. You were probably aware of the specter of death long before other children were. You were also born with an unusually high intelligence, due to your psychic openness. This made the abuses that you experienced in this life that much more powerful, and more personally shattering than they may have been otherwise. Finally, you probably came in with a deeper sense of spirituality, a need to please God, that is beyond the norm. Thats true, I responded. I was terribly afraid of God, afraid that He would throw me into a lake of fire because I was so bad.
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Ah, but your sense of spirituality possibly went beyond even that, being that your psychic centers were open and thus you probably felt more connected to people, in a deeper way than most of your peers. That, in turn would have allowed you to feel others pain more powerfully, adding to your personal pain and sense of hopelessness, because it was difficult for you to separate your own pain from the pain of others. All of this made the popular view of God even more frightening for you. Finally, you came into this life, impressed with the sense of being unwanted, both by the events of your birth and the taunting of your parents. This feeling of being unwanted intensified your feelings of unacceptability and alienation, which you carried with you from your previous incarnation, and in turn added to your vulnerability, making you a prime candidate for the emotional shattering that you have experienced as the result of the pain and abuse. So what now? I asked. So now we look at this life, and how you drew abuse to yourself and how other lives, previous to the one we just looked at, added to that abuse and dictated not only your responses to that abuse, but also your responses to others with whom you have interacted in this life and previous lives. Most of those with whom you have been involved with in this life, have interacted
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with you before, in many previous lives, and their actions and reactions have been governed, not only by their own past experiences, but also by those past life interactions with you. Do we have to do that now? I asked, feeling weary of this. No, he replied. Now we take a break. You have earned it. Thank you, I replied. I sobbed and the Meathos absorbed my tears. I was aware of Aranon lifting me from the Meathos and taking me to my bed. I was aware that he had positioned himself in the chair beside the bed, keeping watch over me, awaiting my return. Meestra allowed me that awareness. Then, with lovingkindness she scooped me up in her arms and carried me to that wondrous, heavenly place, populated with beings of light and love. There I connected, on some spiritual level, with my authentic self. I realized that I had created my circumstances, throughout many previous lives, in an effort to balance the who that I really was with the who I had become. I knew that I was, first and foremost, a spiritual being, expressing physically, a soul inhabiting a body, an eternal being caught up in the drama of finite, transient experiences. It was as if I had gone to a movie and lost myself in one of the characters, unable to separate myself from the contrived fiction; unable to remember that I chose to go to that movie and yet had a life apart from the contrived drama of it.
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Beyond all that drama, I was an eternal being, undergoing an eternal process of self-recognition and self-purification. I am a word spoken by the Creator, and it was up to me to exemplify the Creators meaning and purpose in speaking that word, with my personal interpretation. I am the Creators passion. I am the Creators prose. I am the Creators love, spoken softly in the night to Its belovedCreation.
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Sixteen
Welcome back, said Aranon, as soon as I opened up my eyes. He was still sitting in the chair beside my bed. Have I been asleep long? I asked. A few hours. You are probably hungry. Would you like for me to program a meal for you? He started to get up and go to the synthesizer. No, I said, not feeling hungry. God, I sure miss baths. Would you like to take a swim instead? He asked, smiling. You mean in real water? Of course, he chuckled.
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Ill need a bathing suit, I said, feeling excited at the prospect of being immersed in real water for a change. Of course, well stop by supply and get you one. He started for the door before I was even out of bed. I sat up, feeling a little dizzy, and had to sit on the side of the bed for a moment before the speckles cleared from my eyes. Aranon was beside me in a second, sitting on the bed next to me with concern in his face. Tell me how you are feeling, he said, and his voice almost seemed anxious. Just a little dizzy, maybe a little faint. Before we go swimming, I would like to take you for a quick examination, ok? Ok, I said, still feeling a bit woozy. Im not sure I can walk just yet, I added, feeling strangely sweaty. He picked me up and carried me to that room with the two crystal slabs, laying me on the bottom one. This time I wasnt scared, I knew what was going to happen. As the upper one descended, I could feel my body go weightless as I became suspended between the two. There was a prickly sensation as I was scanned. Then, without warning, my head began to ache with a pulsing sensation, and I called out to him, frightened. Immediately, he laid his hand on my forehead and the pain
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subsided. I was actually grateful for his assistance, as the pain was so intense. I hung there for quite some time, wondering what was wrong. Finally, the upper slab ascended and I was gently lowered to the bottom one. What happened? I asked, as he helped me from the table. Sometimes, after re-experiencing a violent death, the body tries to compensate for what it has experienced, and the brain chemistry goes through a radical shift. You will be all right now, everything is back in balance. Can you explain that to me, I asked following him into the crowded hallway. He picked me up so that we wouldnt become separated in the shuffle. When the body feels that it is dying, it begins to shut down all but the most essential functions. The body is flooded with dopamine and endorphins to reduce pain and stress. After the crisis is past, it can sometimes take as long as two days for the body to come back to normal, depending on the intensity of the experience. I made certain that you were placed in stasis for a time to facilitate that process, but because I was not, at the time, experiencing the event with you through the interface, I was unaware of the actual intensity of the experience. I should have brought you in for a scan right after you experienced your past death. A misjudgment on my part, forgive me.
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So Im ok now, right? Better than ever, he smiled, and gave me a gentle hug. We entered the supply room and Aranon put me down and began to wander through isles of cabinets and drawers. Finally, he stopped and pulled open a drawer. He pulled out a one-piece swimsuit and held it up to me. It was some sort of black stretchy type material and I knew, after feeling it, that it would stretch even more when wet. This one was maybe a little big when dry, so I figured it would fall off me when waterlogged. I shook my head. Hum, he responded, not to your liking? Oh I like it, but that kind of material stretches when wet, so maybe a smaller size would be better. Otherwise I think I will loose it on my first dive. He gave me a shocked look and then laughed. Of course, what was I thinking? He reached back into the drawer and pulled out a smaller size in a florescent purple. I took it from him, smiling. Just my color, I said. He then went to another drawer and found a pair of trunks for himself. I had the feeling that he was doing this just for me and that he would rather skinny-dip. I nodded my approval and he smiled, closed the drawer and picked me up again. We left the supply room and traveled for several minutes before he stopped and opened another door. He put me down as
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we entered. It was a huge, tiled room containing an Olympic sized pool, with a high dive, a low dive and a Jacuzzi off to the side. I breathed in the humidity and smiled, delighted by the prospect of actually getting wet for the first time in who knows how long; more than a week, maybe? The changing room is through that door, he said. I went into the changing room. It contained a bank of cubbyholes for ones clothes and some kind of apparatus that wasnt a shower, but whose purpose I couldnt quite decipher. There were also several toilets, separated by curtains instead of stalls. I got undressed, put on the bathing suit and put my clothes in a cubby. I went back out into the pool area and Aranon was already there, in his white swim trunks, looking like Adonis. His body was well proportioned for his size, his muscles taut and sinewy. His chest was well developed, like he worked out every day, has stomach like a washboard, every muscle standing out like the coils of a rope. He was breathtaking! The suit looks good on you, and you are right, that is your color, he said, smiling. I went to the shallow end and sat down on the edge, putting my feet in the water. It was cool but not cold. I slipped into the pool, feeling the water caress my body. I had no idea how much I had missed feeling water on my skin. I swam from one end of the
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pool to the other, reveling in the silky smoothness of the water flowing past my body as I moved through it. When I reached the other end of the pool, I looked around but couldnt find Aranon. Suddenly, I saw him, sailing off the high dive, spinning and rolling before he hit the water at the perfect attitude, creating only a small splash and very few waves. I was aghast! I mean he could be an Olympic gold medalist. I had never seen such grace, precision and speed in my life! Wow! I said as he surfaced and shook his head, water droplets fanning out around his head. You liked that, did you? He said, grinning and treading water. That was phenomenal! Well, thank you. Just a little thing an Earther taught me. He then dogpaddled over to the edge beneath the diving boards where I was hanging on, slowly treading water. Is this pleasant for you? Its wonderful! I cant believe how much Ive missed water. Thats why we created the pool room, he said, leaning his upper arms on the edge of the pool. That is a common need for Earthers. We believe that life on your planet began in the sea. So do most Earth scientists, I said. He nodded. Do you think I was born a girl in this life because it was so awful being a
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boy in my last life? Maybe, he replied, thoughtfully. Have you been happy with your gender in this life? No! I have always felt cheated. Our culture, while I was growing up, still viewed women as second-class citizens. Everyone who ever made a difference in our history, with a very few exceptions, were all men. Even our language gives men superiority. Then there are my brothers, who have always succeeded at everything they took on. They got the encouragement, while I got to wash the floor and vacuum the carpets. You sound a little bitter, he said, giving me a sideways glance. I guess I am, I said. I just always wished I could grow up to be a man. Silly, huh? Not really, given the fact that in your last life you had the potential of growing up to be a man, but that opportunity was taken from you by circumstances that you had no control over. And I guess I must have felt guilty, somewhere in my soul, that I didnt get to handle the responsibilities of being a man very well as Poppet. Ah, he said, his face wreathed in gentleness, but you were only six when your father gave you that responsibility. A difficult
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prospect under any circumstances, but especially difficult under the circumstances you were thrust into as the result of the death of your parents. I know that intellectually, but in my feeling self, after reliving the memory of my past life, I feel as though I failed. You did the best you could under the circumstances, he said, softly. I think you will come to see that as we visit more of your past and even more of your past lives. We are all products of what we have been and what we have been taught. There is no shame in doing the best you can with what you know. Would you berate a six-year-old for not knowing long division, of for being unable to produce a sonnet? Well, when you put it that way, I guess I didnt do too badly. You gave up your life for your sister. Even if it didnt help either of you, that was an enormously brave thing to do. That was the kind of thing a very valiant man would have done, and you were just a little boy. Yeah, I said, I was pretty brave, wasnt I? Tears began to flow from my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away. Yes. He said, hugging me to him. You were unusually brave for a six-year-old boy, and it is okay to release that emotion. Dont ever be upset with yourself for feeling that pain, or for feeling pride in yourself for your incredible bravery.
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Suddenly, it was as if a dam had broken, and I began to sob deeply for the lost little boy who had tried so hard to live up to his fathers expectations, as he understood them. Aranon continued to hold me, there in the water, as I emptied myself of two lifetimes of emotional pain. After a time, the sobs began to subside, and I felt more relaxed than I had in a very long time. I let him support me, as I went limp and just floated in his arms. I dont know how long he silently supported me there, but I felt loved and accepted, and finally empty of emotion. That was what was supposed to have happened when we did our last session in the Meathos, he said, as I stirred and looked up at him. That was the release I was waiting for. I am very proud of you for allowing yourself to feel those feelings and then release them. Thanks, I replied, limply, feeling wrung out. I never have been very good at doing whats expected. I smiled weakly. After a few more minutes of just floating in his arms he asked, Are you ready to get out, or would you like to just stay this way for a while longer? Im ready to get out, I said, but can we do this again? Oh yes, he replied. I can see that this is very therapeutic for you, so I am going to suggest that you be allowed to do this as
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often as you feel the need. Thanks, I said, moving from his arms and swimming to the shallow end. As I began to pull myself out, Aranon was already there, on the deck before me, reaching down to assist me. Once he had pulled me up onto the deck I asked; Can I have a towel? We have a different way of getting dry, he responded. Would you like to try it? Okay, I said. He led me into the changing room and pointed to that strange apparatus I had seen when I changed into my suit. You can either take the suite off, of do this with the suit on, it works just as well either way. Then you press this button, a button that looked like the kind of stainless steel button over the toilet in a public restroom, and stand under this nozzle here. I nodded and smiled, and he turned and left me alone to do as I wished. I stood under the nozzle, swimsuit and all, and a stream of energy; thats the only way I can describe it; flowed from the nozzle and within seconds my body and the swimsuit were completely dry. Even my hair was dry. I then took off the swimsuit and dressed in the clothes that Aranon had given me before our trek into the mountains. Leaving the suit in the cubby, I went back out into the pool area, where Aranon waited for me.
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How would you like to take a vacation? He asked, smiling. Where? Back to the mountains? I asked. No, he said, shaking his head and smiling at the same time. I have to visit some friends of mine, on a planet that the Earthers who populate it call Colony Five. I thought I would take you with me. Another planet? Is it far? Not for us, but its about thirty of your light years away. How long will it take to get there? I asked. Are we going in a space ship? We could take a space ship, he replied, but that would take just a little longer than I would like to spend. In a space vehicle it would take us about three days. Through the portal it will take less than a second. Wow! I exclaimed. You mean you can use that big gate we went through to Top Side to get to another planet? Aranon nodded and smiled. Would you like to eat first? Im too excited to eat. Can we eat when we get there? Actually, I was invited to dinner, and I am sure that my friends wouldnt mind setting another place for you. Yeah! I exclaimed happily. When can we leave? Right now, if you would like. He seemed delighted by my excitement, and his eyes
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sparkled as he grinned at me. I nodded enthusiastically, and as we exited the pool area he picked me up again, and then we threaded through the throng, down the corridor that led to the big circular room in which the gate stood. This time, when he carried me through, I didnt even flinch. We arrived in an outdoor square, surrounded with trees and bordered with shops and businesses. It looked like a plaza in an outdoor mall in the Mid-West. The sky was a deep blue with wispy white clouds, and a gentle breeze was blowing. I could smell the scent of the flowers that grew in large brick enclosed planters around the square. People filled the mall, all of them Earthhuman, many with families, going shopping, or to a show, or out to eat in the restaurants that emitted the familiar smells of Earth food. Aranon put me down and then took my hand and led me to a music store across the mall. As we entered, a large man behind the counter beamed with joy and quickly disengaged himself from a customer, calling another individual to take over for him. Aranon! Jeannie told me you might come! I am so please to see you. He shook Aranons huge hand and then looked at me. And who might this be? He asked, still grinning. This is Christy, replied Aranon, grinning back. I hope Jennie doesnt mind. It was a spur of the moment decision to
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bring her. Well of course! The man replied. There is always room for one more. He had merry eyes, and a round, expressive face. He was a bit overweight especially around the middle, short in stature for a man, with dark, short cropped, curly hair. His complexion was ruddy, and his face sported a dark five-o-clock shadow. He seemed to be of Italian decent. He was demonstrative and yet the colors I saw around him told me that he was gentle, kind and patient. How do you do, Christy? He said, extending his hand to me. I took it and he gave me a warm and gentle handshake. Im Sam. Im fine, thank you, Sam. Are you a new arrival, or just visiting? He asked, letting go of my hand. She is one of my special ones, replied Aranon. She will be going back with me. Well, he said, in an expansive voice, Ill bet you find all of this very exciting. Yes, I replied, I do. She also has quite a gift, said Aranon, sounding like a proud teacher. She plays the guitar and sings, and even writes her own songs. Really? Said Sam, his eyes sparkling. Well then, you will
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need a guitar. I, for one, would love to hear you sing. Well, Aranon has already made me one, I said. Its back at Anchor. Oh no! He exclaimed, moving behind the counter. There is nothing like a hand made guitar, made from real wood, and cured to perfection! I have no money, I said, feeling embarrassed. In my store, you need no money. Not when you are Aranons guest! Not when you are my guest! Take your pick! He grinned broadly and waved his hand at the shiny new guitars hanging on the wall behind the counter. I couldnt, I said, again embarrassed. Small classical folk, stated Aranon, also grinning. Sam went to the wall, looked over the guitars and took a beautiful cherry colored, wood guitar from the hook it hung from. Try this one. He handed it to me. I stood there holding it, not knowing quite what to do. I couldnt play it standing up, as it didnt have a strap, and I could see no chairs to sit on. Here, said Sam, pushing a small stool out from behind the counter. Have a seat. I sat on the stool, feeling very self-conscious, and yet thrilled by the feel of this obviously expensive guitar. I strummed it and
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then tuned it. All the while Sam looked on with pride and expectation. Sing me a song, said Sam, excitedly. I know you must be good if Aranon tells me you sing. I dont think I am that good, I said, doubting that I could live up to his expectations. Well, you just let me be the judge of that, he replied, winking at Aranon, who nodded back, smiling. I began to strum again, and then, out of nowhere, came chords and then words as a tune formed in my mind, almost like magic. I started to sing, and the song was as new to me as it was to them.
Im am a tiny little drop, and yet I am the sea I am a universe within, yet outside, only me I know so little of my God, and yet, my God, I be For all things great and all things small combine and meet in me. And you must climb to the mountaintop to see the valley true And you must stand in the valley low, to see the mountains too
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But whether you are great or small should never be your quest For, everything is what it is, because thats what it is best. And how to be the best you are, begins when you can see That inside you is all that is, and you must set it free There are no instant answers to those questions in your mind But all the remedies you seek, are in yourself to find And theres one thing that I have found and I believe its true In helping others find their way, youll find the way in you For in you shines the God-Light, round which your life revolves And once you become that God-light, your greatest quest resolves For in the dark and silent stillness, in the center of the All Burns the fire of sound and color, that speaks the Word, that sounds the Call To the Sparks, the Fires Children, to the Children, one and all One and all, one and all
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Both Aranon and Sam stood, transfixed, looking at me as though I had just hypnotized them. I just sat there, not knowing what to do. Finally. I got up from the stool and handed the guitar back to Sam, my face red with embarrassment. No! He said, refusing to take it from me. That guitar is yours. You earned it. My gosh! What a fabulous song! I didnt write it, I said sheepishly. It just came to me just now. I have no idea how. However it came to you, it is definitely a gift, and you are the conduit. Anyone with a gift like that deserves a special guitar, replied Sam, his face still reflecting the awe that he was feeling. It was definitely made for you. But you dont understand, I said. I just know folk songs, and I am not that good. Dont sell yourself short, Christy, said Aranon, chidingly. You have been given a gift by your original family. Claim it. Own it. Share it. It is worth more than all the guitars ever made, and yet worth nothing if not expressed. I just stood there, holding that fantastically beautiful guitar, not knowing how to feel, and yet overwhelmed by the gift I had received but had not asked for. I wanted to deny my worthiness. Say thank you, instructed Aranon.
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Thank you, I said to Sam, caressing the instrument with a twinge of joy that I could not explain. I felt honored. I felt unworthy. I shifted my eyes to my feet, lest he see the excitement and joy I felt at owning such a special instrument.
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Sam found a case for my guitar and then made arrangements with his staff to leave the shop early. Then we followed him out the back of the store and into a parking lot. The cars looked like most any car from Small-town USA. There were even familiar models, like Fords and Chevys, plus a few I didnt recognize. Sam unlocked a car, with the push of a button on a fob on his keychain and we got in. Aranon in the front, where he could get the legroom he needed, and I in the back with my new guitar. As soon as Sam turned on the car I knew it was like no car I had ever ridden in, in spite of the familiar body style and interior.
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The engine was completely silent, and the power seemed instantly available. As he pulled from the parking lot, and out on to a busy street, I could also see that there were a few other differences as well. First, once we were on our way, Sam clicked some buttons on the dash and then turned to talk with Aranon, while the car drove itself on to a large super highway, inserting itself expertly into the flow of traffic. Neat car, I commented. Not everyone who lives here is cleared to have an autopiloted car. Just those of us who are permanent residents, replied Sam, beaming with pride. How come? I asked Because most of these people are scheduled to go back to Earth, and need to know how to drive according to the rules of the road. I thought about this and remembered what I had read about people being trained to return to Earth to assist with the shifting of the planetary consciousness. How come you are not going back to Earth? I asked. Jeannie and I, he began, Jeannies my wife. Anyway, we decided to stay here and become part of a research study that Anchor is doing. What kind of research study? I asked, with flashes of
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Mengela dancing in my head. We are attempting to generate a few special children, who will one day assist with the regeneration of Earths society, replied Aranon, not able to turn and look at me due to the lack of space, but he did turn his head part way. Sounds like the kind of meddling that the Nazis tried to do in World War Two, I said, guardedly. Not exactly, replied Sam, defending his choice to participate. First of all, this is totally volunteer, secondly, each participant is carefully monitored to prevent any unnecessary accidents or any harm to them. We are each given classes in what is being done, classes in physics, biology, and medicine so that we understand each step, and why it is necessary. We can elect to withdraw from any experimentation process that we feel may be harmful to us or our child, and we get a few special perks, like this car and communication equipment so that we can alert the center if any problems arise. I guess that is a little different from what I was thinking, I said honestly. But fooling with nature, isnt there some sort of law against that? Actually, replied Aranon, obviously versed in the principles of the project, we only utilize the natural projections of where nature intends to go without out our help, and we just speed up
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that process is all. But dont you worry that this may cause harm? I asked, still feeling uneasy about this. I mean Nature takes its time for a reason, dont you think? Okay, replied Aranon, gently, and I could see in the rearview mirror that his face took on a deep seriousness. But Nature takes its time because certain things are not available in the environment that would naturally trigger these developmental shifts. We simply supply the environmental and intellectual circumstances that encourage specific organic mutations to occur that will greatly enhance the development of natural capacities that will further the evolution of the species. You are still playing with Nature, I chided. Yes, replied Aranon, making eye contact with me in the rearview mirror, and you were punished, a long time ago, for having a vision and following that vision in the creation of your present race. I certainly understand your reluctance to embrace our present day program. If those in authority had been able to understand your vision, and recognize the beauty of it, you would never have been abandoned on Earth, but rather would have been hailed as a visionary. But it didnt happen that way. They could not see how your experiments enhanced the original and most prominent developing race without harm, without generating
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a congenital propensity for degenerative patterns that would eventually precipitate the extinction of that developing race. Actually, it did! I shouted, in an angry tone. If nature had been allowed to take its course, those other races would not have developed and there would have been only one race and one planetary government by now and we probably wouldnt have become the violent war mongers we have become. You probably wouldnt be doing all of this to keep Earth from creating this galactic incident! You didnt create the sub races, Christy. That happened as the result of the short sightedness of those in authority at the time, responded Aranon, gently. Her heart is in the right place, said Sam, smiling at me and reaching back to pat my knee. I felt patronized. I made a face and then decided to just shut up. I still wasnt sure I wanted to believe in all that past life stuff, anyway. I was feeling really angry but I wasnt sure why. I was also interested in the process, but again not sure why. I felt pulled in two directions and it was uncomfortable. We left the super highway and the car threaded its way through suburban streets, passing neighborhoods of tract-like homes that were reminiscent of Midwestern America. We passed homes that were generally two story wood and brick homes with
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lots of trees and expansive green lawns with picket fences and two car garages. I felt as though I was back on Earth. The feeling caused some disorientation, and a sense of familiarity all at the same time. Finally, Sam grabbed a device from its place in a slot on the dash and I saw a garage door open, as we turned into a driveway and then drove into the garage. The door closed as we entered and lights came on. Sam turned off the car and Aranon and Sam opened their doors. I opened mine and followed them into a sprawling modern home. We entered into a small room off the kitchen, and followed Sam through the kitchen into a large living room. A small dog greeted us, jumping enthusiastically on each of us in turn; its tail wagging furiously. Hi, Piddles, said Sam, reaching down to gently rub the little dogs head when it greeted him. It then ran to Aranon, who smiled at it, and then to me. I stopped and knelt down to pet the exuberant little animal. It allowed me to pet it and then stood on its hind legs to lick my face. I was charmed by it. As we entered the living room a small boy, who could not have been more than two years old, ran to Aranon, his arms outstretched. Uncle Aranon, squealed the tiny child, as Aranon picked him up. I knew you would come! Mama said you were busy with
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an off-worlder, but I knew you would come see me! He bussed Aranon on the cheek with what looked like a really wet kiss, and Aranon hugged the tiny boy and then put him back down on the floor, gently. How could I not come see you, Andy? He said, laughing. You are my special boy! The boy glowed with pride and then began pulling on Aranons pant leg. Come see what I have built! He led us into a small room off the living room, crammed with electronic equipment. Lights blinked and screens displayed both graphics and alphanumeric text in a constant state of change. Of course, at the time I had no idea what I was looking at. Its a multidimensional temporal analyzer that provides both informational and graphic displays of temporal shifts brought about by scientific and technological advancements that impact the growth and development of sociological paradigms, which in turn impact the development of consciousness along multiple time lines. Isnt it great? All of this came from a tiny child that should have been playing with the kind of toys that were designed to develop simple things like eye-hand coordination, color recognition and spatial relationships. I was in shock.
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Its wonderful! Exclaimed Aranon, giving the tiny child a broad smile. I am certain that it will help us immensely in gauging the effects of our present experimental programs. We left the child, smiling expansively, as he began typing furiously on a keyboard, while watching the changing displays. Im sorry, Aranon, Sam said, apologetically, when we returned to the living room. We tried to monitor his activities and his ability to acquire electronic components, but he is so devious, so skilled at acquiring what he needs, that we just couldnt stop him. Sam hung his head, looking dejected. Aranon gave him a friendly one-armed hug. Its okay, Sam, we knew this would happen eventually, we just didnt expect it so soon. Aint that the truth, replied Sam, still looking dejected. He is way ahead of schedule in his development. Dont worry about it Sam, replied Aranon, looking concerned for his friend. Its just an added bonus, is all. Yeah, well, Jennie is beside herself with worry that you will take him from us much sooner than expected. I understand, replied Aranon, and we may have to bring in a technical team before we had scheduled it, to monitor his discoveries, but rest assured that your parenting is of paramount importance in his social development, so whatever happens, you
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will remain an important component in his life. To be sure, you may have to relocate to Anchor ahead of schedule, but no matter what, you will both remain with him as long as possible. Thanks, Aranon, replied Sam, dejectedly, but Jennie and I are feeling more and more alienated from his world every day. Soon, we will mean about as much to him as Piddles, whom he almost never notices anymore. That wont happen, replied Aranon. If necessary we will retard his intellectual growth until his emotional and social growth catches up. If you can, replied Sam, in a frightened tone of voice. His abilities are off the scale, Aranon. Jennie used to be able to keep him in check with her psychic abilities, but he has developed beyond that. Well then, I guess we will all just have to go back to the Center together, and allow Dorn to reevaluate him. Im not sure even Dorn can control him, Aranon. He has been developing so quickly, its scary. He may not even be willing to go, especially if he feels threatened by the prospect that you will curtail his experimentation. Dont worry about it, Sam. I am sure that Andy will be willing to return to Anchor if I tell him that it is important. Just then a door closed in the kitchen and Piddles skittered
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across the kitchen, slipping and sliding in his exuberance. I heard a laugh and a womans voice, chiding the little dog to stay down. Soon, the woman appeared in the doorway to the living room. Oh hi, Aranon, said the petite woman who had brown, short curly hair and a trim figure. I am so glad you came. Have you seen his latest project? Yes, replied Aranon, smiling at her. Awesome. Awesome, yes, encouraging, no. She moved to Aranon, giving him a quick hug. And this must be the new one you are working with, she said, eyeing me, with a gentle smile. Yes, replied Aranon. Jennie, this is Christy. Christy, this is Sams wife and Andys mom, Jennie. Hi, Jennie, I said, reaching my hand out to her. She shook it gently, giving me a kind smile. Well, she said looking at me, then Aranon, I guess that we have an extra guest for dinner. She seemed anxious and distracted. She turned and started for the kitchen. Aranon followed her. Why dont you have a seat, Christy, suggested Sam, smiling and motioning toward the couch. I sat down and within a few seconds I had a perpetually moving animal in my lap. Piddles seemed to be some sort of miniature terrier mix, with a fluffy brown coat, huge expressive
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doe eyes set behind a medium length snout and with long, floppy ears. His tail was constantly wagging, and it appeared that it was also wagging his entire body with it. His tongue was busy too, trying to lick every exposed area of skin on my body, especially my face. I laughed at his antics, and began to pet him in selfdefense. This seemed to do the trick, for as I pet him he settled down and then finally curled up in my lap, nudging my hand each time I stopped petting him. You seem to have a way with animals, commented Sam, who seemed not to know what to say or do while Aranon spoke to his wife in the other room. Thats the calmest I think I have ever seen him in the presence of another person. I really like animals, I replied, continuing to pet the little creature, now almost asleep in my lap. I wanted to be a vet when I was a little kid. Now, I just want to have a relatively normal life. Im sure you will have a much more interesting life, said Sam with a twinkle in his eye, than you would have had if youd never been transferred here. And having Aranon, as your facilitator is a real plus. Ive seen him work wonders. Hes pretty nice, I replied, making small talk. Would you like to watch television? He asked. What kinds of programs are available here? Oh the usual, he said, picking up a device and pressing a
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button on it. The television came to life, in living color. We had a color TV at home, but this was way beyond that. The quality was incredible. Oh my gosh! I said. Isnt that Star Trek? As I watched, the enigmatic, pointy-eared Spock mind-melded with a Horta; a silicone based life form that burrowed tunnels through solid rock. I remember this one! Wow! Do they have TV at the Center on Ancore? Sure, he said, grinning at my excitement. You can get it on your communications console. Just tap on the Request link and then type into the request box; 1960 dash 1970 AD, North American Television broadcasting on your keyboard. Then you will get a menu of which programs are available for that time period, and you can choose what you want to watch. Thank you, I said, wishing I had known that several days ago. I really havent had much time for anything but working on my problems. That will get easier, he said, with a knowing look. Jennie stepped into the living room, smiling. Dinner is ready, she said. Then she went into the next room where Andy was busy with his invention. There was a bit of a commotion, as Andy seemed to be throwing a tantrum. Aranon came from the kitchen and went to that room and the tantrum ceased. Aranon
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appeared, carrying Andy, who appeared to be squirming unhappily in his arms. Jennie followed, waving to us to follow. The table was set with four plates and at the corner of the table was a high chair, with its own, small plate. Aranon was just placing Andy in his high chair as we entered. He sat in one of the chairs beside him, speaking softly to him. Andy slowly calmed down and seemed like a normal baby once we had taken our seats around the table. So, Christy, how long have you been at Anchor Station? Asked Jennie as she passed me a bowl of corn on the cob. I dont know, I said, taking an ear and putting it on my plate. I seem to have lost track of time. About ten days, interjected Aranon. Ah, she said, with a knowing nod. The first few weeks are the hardest. After that youll get a rhythm and the stress will ease off. Im not sure I will be staying that long, I replied. Aranon gave me a questioning look but said nothing. You realize that if you dont complete the initial process, that you will have be returned with your memory wiped. She replied, matter-of-factly. Aranon told me about your unusual circumstances. I sat in shock for a moment, and then looked at Aranon, who
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gave me a sober nod, and I knew that she had spoken the truth. I couldnt imagine having had such a fantastic experience and then have the memory removed, without a trace. It seemed to me that anything as intense as my stay here would remain with me forever. I took a plate of what looked like pork chops and placed one on my own plate. Well, I replied, I havent really decided yet. With your gift, Christy, you would be invaluable to the Project, said Sam, with a gentle smile. I know it is difficult to revisit your past and face its pain and distortions, but you must know how healing it is. I mean, I am sure that you have had some really difficult times in your present life as well as in your past lives, but you must see the power in making those connections and releasing the energy and the pain that you have been holding on to for so long. You must have experienced the power of those releases. Well, I guess, I said, feeling like I was being preached to by a religious zealot. I had felt some release from my internal pain, but the terror of not knowing what was coming next, and the fear that I was just being used by some superior race for purposes I didnt understand, still plagued me. No one individual is that important in the scheme of things, said little Andy.
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No little baby had the right to be so articulate and so cynical, I thought to myself. I tried to ignore him, but his words cut deep. Each individual is important in the scheme of things, said Aranon, in a chiding voice. When we loose site of the importance of individuals, we loose site of the purpose of the Project. Still, retorted Andy, in a self-important tone, If she decides to opt out, she wont be missed. Anyway, an uncommitted individual is a liability to the project. Andy, said Aranon, sternly, you are out of line! Statistics bear me up, he responded, more quietly. Enough! Said Sam, giving Andy an angry look. He looked at Aranon, as if to say, see what we are dealing with? Andy, said Aranon, looking into Andys eyes. You and your parents will going back through the portal to Anchor with us. I think it is time that you had a look at your own past lives and the part that you have played in the development of present circumstances. I already know who I was in the past and what my present potential is, retorted Andy, angrily. You only know what it has pleased you to investigate, replied Aranon. And your potential is in grave jeopardy if your present attitude and behavior persists. Im special! Andy Shouted, belligerently. Ive got what you
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need, and I know that Im better and smarter than anyone alive right now, so dont threaten me! Without warning, Aranon reached over and placed his hand on Andys forehead and the child went into a deep sleep, dropping his ear of corn. I think we need to go now, said Aranon, pulling the limp child from his high chair. Right, said Sam, dropping his knife and fork. Jennie was sobbing. We all got up and immediately went to the garage. On the way, Sam placed Piddles in my arms and asked me to bring him. As we got in the car, Aranon held Andy, keeping him in a deep sleep, while Sam drove and Jennie joined me in the back seat, my new guitar forming a barrier between us. Jennie continued to sob, and I was helpless to assist her. I held the little dog that had fallen asleep in my arms. I stared forward, feeling lost and frightened by these events, hugging the little dog as though it were my salvation. We parked the car in the same place that we had found it and after Sam grabbed my guitar and we had to walk around to an entrance to the central mall now that all the shops were closed. In just a few minutes we had stepped through the portal, and were back at the circular rotunda at Anchor Station. Aranon
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instructed Jennie and Sam to keep track of me as we followed him through the maze of hallways to the control room where Dorn presided. Sam, Jennie and I waited while Aranon consulted with Dorn, finally turning the child over to him. He then told Jennie and Sam to stay with Dorn, picked me up in one arm, grabbed my new guitar with his free hand and carried me back to my room. To say the least, by the time we entered my room, I was confused and upset, yet still holding Piddles. What do I do with this little guy? I asked, nearly in tears. Why dont you take care of him for a while, he said. It appears that he is comfortable with you, and it will give us an excuse to go Top Side a couple of times a day to walk him, which will probably help you as well. Okay, I said, feeling the little animals comforting warmth in my arms. But we will have to feed him. Aranon smiled and went to the synthesizer and programmed a plate of dog food and a bowl of water. He placed them on the floor in a corner and then programmed a chew toy. He put that beside the bowls. I put the little dog down by the bowls and he immediately started gobbling the food in the dish. I need to attend to some things and then I will be back, he said, his demeanor somewhat distracted.
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I guess playing God has its price, I said, offhandedly, as Aranon went to the door. Yes, he said, somberly, opening the door. Nevertheless, although advancement has its challenges, if we are vigilant and loving, it also has its rewards. With that, he was gone and I was alone with an exuberant but dependant little dog. I went to the communications console and did as Sam directed and was soon watching Outer Limits, another of my favorite TV programs. After finishing his food, Piddles jumped into my lap and cuddled up there, keeping me company. I was glad for that.
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Eighteen
As the credits for Outer Limits were running on the small screen at my communications console Aranon entered carrying a dog leash. Piddles leapt from my lap and skittered across the room toward him, his tail wagging furiously. Aranon reached down and clipped the leash to his collar. How about a walk, he said smiling, as Piddles started turning in rapid circles, anticipating the walk. Okay. I placed the dishes from my most recent snack into the recycler. He opened the door and Piddles rushed into the hall, nearly
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strangling himself as he quickly reached the end of the leash. I joined them in the empty hallway, and we started walking toward the rotunda. Im not sure I want to stay, I said, after we had walked for a while. The situation with Andy frightened you, he replied. I can understand that. I want you to know that Andy is doing just fine, and will be staying with his parents in Top Side. Im glad to hear that, I replied, not really caring one way or another. What I did care about was the fact that Aranon was participating in experiments on little children. This bothered me very much. What we are doing is very important to the survival of Earth beyond the next two centuries, he said, almost as though he were looking into my mind again. I gave him an angry look. I had begun to wonder if I could trust him anymore, with what I now knew. I cant see how a smart mouthed baby genius is going to make life any better on my planet. There will come a time, not too far in your future, when society as you know it will break down. At that time, in order to rebuild, your planet is going to need visionaries, individuals capable of assisting with the reconstruction. These individuals will
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need to be capable of finding and manipulating resources through which to feed millions of starving people, as well as finding cures for diseases which you have yet to encounter, but will, in your not too distant future, be developed by several independent military research facilities. These individuals will need to have a strong character, leadership abilities and extraordinarily high intelligence in order to lead society back out of the next dark age and into a new age of social and scientific development, based upon international cooperation and brotherhood. The children we are working with today will not be the ones to assist in this redevelopment, but rather it will be their children and their childrens children. Those children will have been born on your planet, and will have the interests of your planet etched on their consciousness, because they will be an integral part of it. We have run thousands of simulations in an effort to find a way to save your race from this self-inflicted extinction. This is the only scenario we have run that shows any promise at all in saving your race, and believe me, your race is worth saving. We had reached the rotunda and were heading toward the portal, Piddles straining at the end of his leash, periodically choking himself in his enthusiasm. As we reached the portal, Aranon programmed our destination into a console. Then we went through, Piddles raced through ahead of us, disappearing
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momentarily until we followed. He ran immediately to a plot of grass and began turning in circles, finally squatting and relieving himself. Aranon pulled a bag, from somewhere on his person and picked up the little pile and then dropped it into a nearby receptacle marked recycling. I had been thinking about what Aranon had said, and was suddenly filled with fear, realizing that I might just live to see the destruction that he had spoken of. I knew that our society was fraught with wars and civil unrest. The Viet Nam war was raging back home, or at least it was at the time I was transferred here. There were also peace marches and demonstrations by students and Hippies and young men who were refusing to honor the draft. The war was being brought right into our living rooms through the miracle of TV, in living color, mostly blood red. I, myself, was against this war, but had never participated in the marches and demonstrations. I had participated in the Hippy movement, wearing bellbottoms and love beads and had even lived in a commune. I even felt I understood the meaning of the slogan make love not war. I also felt our US government was populated with con artists and thieves whose concerns gravitated toward power and money rather than the needs and interests of the common citizen. I also knew that there was a lot of research going on, in an effort to find
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a biological agent that could be used as a weapon. Everything he said had the ring of truth, and that was a very frightening prospect. I could feel myself shaking with that fear. Can you stop this war that is going to destroy my society? I asked, my voice weak and shaky. What about this device that is going to create a problem for much of the Milky Way? We hope that is possible, he replied, placing his hand on my shoulder, feeling my body shake with fear. Although it is not so much a war, but rather a series of events that the majority of society will have no knowledge of until after the fact. As for the creation of the device that causes the more extensive problem, we are working on that two, but the alternative, if we can stop it, are the events I just told you about. It is this alternative time line that, as you can see, will be so devastating to your planet. That is why we have been transferring so many people to Anchor Station and then on to the microcosms of society we have built so that they can learn and practice new ways of living, thinking and interacting with one another, preliminary to their reinsertion into Earths society. We are hoping to shift the focus of consciousness away from the material and toward the spiritual. Its a long process, but we have time on our side. We discovered the problem quite some time back, and have been reeducating individuals since about two centuries before your birth.
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Is the Hippy movement your doing? I asked, feeling a little more hopeful. Could be, he said, as he nodded and winked. But I am certain that one of our special groups did start something called The Beat Movement. I read about that, I said, my shaking almost gone. I think that was sort of the father of the Hippy movement. Im a Hippy. Really? He picked up Piddles and began scratching him behind his ears. Tell me about what it is like to be a Hippy. Well, were sort a rebels. We dont believe in war. We believe that everyone should be allowed to live the way they want to. We believe in getting back to nature and communal living. We dont believe in government, at least not the one we have. I stood there trying to think what else the Hippies believed in, but even though I had lived in a commune, I hadnt learned a great deal about their philosophy due to my emotional difficulties. I dont know much more. Then, remembering the time our commune spent at the Renaissance Fair in the hills above San Francisco, I added, I do know they are really into stuff like psychic phenomenon, tarot cards, astrology and Eastern Religions. An interesting culture, said Aranon, probably knowing more about it than I did. He picked up Piddles and started back toward the portal. I followed him. When we reached the portal, and he
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began to program it, he turned to look at me and said; I still owe you a vacation. Our last one didnt turn out as I had hoped. I felt a grin sweep across my face. Going on an adventure has always been exciting to me. Where would we go? I asked, thinking I had already been to Colony Five, and it was just like Earth, with a few twists that may have come from Earths future. I was hoping to see something new, something alien. Well, he said, his face thoughtful. I suppose we could go back to colony Five and you could see more than just a shopping mall and the inside of a tract home. He smiled. Nope, its just like Earth. Id rather go somewhere really different. Okay, he replied with a grin. I think I know just the place. Can we go right now? Through the portal? I think we will need a tri-car for this trip, he said. I also think we will need to do a little planning. Ill need to clear it with Dorn as well. It may be a good idea if you take a little nap first too. Youve been through quite a bit in the last twenty four hours. But if I had said Colony Five was okay we would have just gone, wouldnt we? Probably, but then we would have had a place to stay on Colony Five, and you could have gotten some rest before we went exploring. I will have to arrange a place for us to stay on
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Archana, and get our arrival cleared with their port authority. Dont they have a portal? I asked. Were working on it. They are not too inclined to accept new technology. He programmed the portal and we went through. Are they really backward? I asked as we started toward my room. Not hardly, he said. They are just wary of technology. How can they be an advanced race without technology? They have their own brand of technology, he explained. Why dont you look them up on the Com-Con, (communications console). The English word for their planet is Archana, thats A R C H A N A, he spelled. We walked in silence for a time and then Aranon opened my door. He put Piddles down and the little dog followed me inside. He smiled and waved as he closed the door. I sat in front of the communications console reading about Archana as Piddles lay curled up in my lap. Archana is the home of three advanced life forms. It is the original home of the Meathos. The Meathos is a psychically based life form that assists the Brotherhood with transferees, through the process of reconnecting them to their past experiences and the
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reorientation of their conscious perceptions concerning those experiences. They have the capacity to connect with an individuals permanent atom and the many life experiences that are stored within it. The Meathos lends itself well to the process of a neural interface through which facilitators can join their charges not only in reviewing their experiences, but also in feeling the actual physical impact of those experiences. The Meathos also has the capacity to communicate with those who have been immersed in their physical presence, without the necessity of immersion, through dreams and visions. In the case of Earth born individuals, The Meathos appears in visions as angels or other religious thought-forms that are acceptable to them. They are very supportive of the work being done on Anchor. They often form a bond with a specific individual that endures beyond the work done with their facilitators. It is also the home of the Sensarians (English translation), who are able to connect with the sensual capacities of human visitors, providing vicarious experiences that are profound and often life changing. The Sensarians are bipedal humanoids that experience life on a level that is devoid of any artificiality. They shun technology, viewing it as inappropriate and distracting. The society of the Sensarians is well developed and highly advanced in spite of the lack of technological development. Their
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communication system is facilitated by The Meathos, who not only provides intercontinental voice communications, but also visual communications as well. They also have the capacity for intercontinental travel as well as instantaneous intergalactic travel, all without the necessity of technologically devised vehicles. In essence, they have the capacity to teleport to any space-time coordinate at will. They also have the capacity to transport other individuals, even large numbers of individuals, according to their needs and desires, to alternate space-time coordinates. Archana is also the home of the Siminians (English Translation), a simian type species that is also sentient. The Siminians are ape-like huminoid bipeds that have a unique social bond with the Sensarians and the Meathos. They also have a highly developed culture of spirituality. This spirituality is most evident in the regular community gatherings called Think-Sees, during which they communicate cultural, social and spiritual anthologies that are uplifting, instructive, and multi-cultural through the use of a vibrational interface assisted by the Sensarians. To be sure, their stories and songs are not obstructed by any language barriers, the meaning and emotional impact of them being accessible to all other sentient life forms that hear them. Often, during the Think-See substance is manipulated,
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with the most phenomenal results. Archana is a beautiful planet, filled with giant trees within which the Siminians and some Sensarians make their homes. The climate is semi-tropical, and the temperature stays between 68 and 88. Earthers describe the climate as terrarium-like, in that it is very humid and high in oxygen. There are constant rains on the continent where the Simians live, although much of the ground area, except for the seas, are shielded from the downpours by the dome of trees, whos leaves absorb the water and then release it into the air, in much the same way as the oxygen is released. Travel on the Siminian continent is accomplished through networks of giant branches, as well as through teleportation. It is said that one can traverse the entire continent through this network of branches. Although clouds and the trees block out much of the sun, from a G type star, there is more than enough ambient light to see due to a florescent algae that grows on the trunks of the trees and on the undersides of their leaves. This florescent algae tends to glow brighter in the daytime than at night, as its phosphorescence is triggered by the influx of UV rays that the clouds do not block. The branch roads are generally as wide as an Earth-type super highway, and have been graded and enclosed by foliage, which act as barrier walls, preventing
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accidental falls. The most common vehicles on these roads are personal powered cycles driven either by pedal-power or telekinetic processes. No fuels are used in the transportation devices on Archana. The door opened while I was reading and Aranon entered, smiling. I see you took my advice and looked it up. What do you think? Would you like to go there? Yes! I said, excited. It would be really neat to see the home of the Meathos, and the other beings that live there sound fascinating, especially the Siminians! Are they the same little furry guys that I saw on my first trip to Top Side? No, the Siminians are more your size, and although a few have come here for services, they usually obtain whatever assistance they need from the Sensarians and the Meathos with whom they share their world, he explained. They sound fascinating! When can we go? Is now soon enough? Now would be good, I said, but what about Piddles? We can take him with us if you like, or we can leave him with Sam and Jeannie. Id like to take him, but he might get lost or something and then I would feel just awful. So, I guess we should leave him with Sam and Jeannie.
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Well stop by their quarters on our way to the tri-car port. I reached down and grabbed Piddles and we started into the corridor. I didnt nap, I confessed, as we made our way through a moderate crowd. Thats okay, he replied, keeping his hand on my shoulder to keep us together. You can rest on the trip there. We can leave now, but our arrival will need to be delayed in order that there can be the proper delegation to meet us when we arrive. So, were going to be chaperoned? I would prefer to view it as a guided tour. Each of Archanas sentient races will be represented, and will translate for us, as well as introduce us to their rituals. We can choose any one of the three to be our guide. I wasnt quite sure what to make of that. Have you been there before? I asked. Yes, many times. We had arrived at the rotunda, and were moving toward the gate. So what are these rituals? I had pictures of us having to strip naked, because clothes are forbidden on their world. I shivered at the thought. Well, there are a few things that you will have to do in order to show your respect for their society and some questions you must answer, in order for them to decide whether your visit would
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be appropriate at this time. He turned to me and grinned and winked. So what I got a do is go through some sort of rite of passage just to visit there? I asked, fearful of what I might have to do in order to show respect. Dont worry, my friend, they will all love you. Take my word for it. The Meathos already loves you. After telling the man operating the portals controls our destination, we followed the line of beings going through the portal. Obviously, it was evening when we arrived in Top Side, and I could see the remnants of a rosy sunset through the transparent dome. Aranon deviated from our usual path as we walked into a residential area. After about two blocks, he turned into a walkway that lead to a Southwestern type home, surrounded with a fenced yard and many trees and flowering plants. He opened the gate and I hung back. Come on, he said, holding the gate for me. This is Sam and Jennies place. Maybe you should take Piddles, and Ill just wait here. I replied, not wanting to face them right now. Come on, Christy, everything is fine now. No reason to feel apprehensive. He put his hand to my back and shoved me through the gate and then let it close behind us.
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Im not apprehensive, I responded, trying to keep pace with him up the long sidewalk. Im disturbed at the thought that anyone would subject themselves and their children to experiments. First of all, the experiment was not what we did biologically to generate the child. For that we used proven procedures that are harmless to the parents and the infant. In fact, you might consider the whole process to be rather normal. The experiment had more to do with attempting to attract a more experienced soul. I dont get it, I said, feeling I was getting a snow job. Aranon knocked on the door, and in my arms, Piddles barked in response. We both laughed. A light came on, illuminating us standing there on the porch. The door came open and Sam flashed us both a wide smile. Come in! he said, and we stepped into a small hallway. What brings you by, Aranon? He asked as he led us into the spacious carpeted living room where Jennie sat on an overstuffed couch watching TV. We are going on a little vacation, and Christy was concerned about Piddles safety, so we thought we would bring him back to you. Replied Aranon as we entered the living room. He nodded to Jennie.
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I mean, after all, he is your dog, I interjected. He certainly looks calm and happy in your arms, said Sam, smiling and scratching piddles head. Oh, my gosh! Exclaimed Jeannie, getting up and coming over to us standing just inside the living room. I have never seen him that calm, ever! It sure is a wonder, isnt it Jennie, said Sam. I just stood there; still not getting what all the fuss was about, while Aranon stood beside me, grinning. Hes still as frisky as ever. He just likes to be held, is all. Aranon has also held him and he is just like this for him too. Ah, replied Sam, rolling his eyes. But thats different. Aranon has a calming effect on every creature he comes in contact with. Well, I guess I do too. I mean, animals just like me, is all. I said, defensively. I shifted Piddles in my arms so that I could hand him over to Sam. Im sure he will be glad to be back home with you. I held Piddles out for Sam to take. Sam took him, reluctantly. Piddles began to squirm and yip, so he put him down. Piddles ran through the house like his tail was on fire, stopping to sniff at each doorway. Finally, he ran back to us and began jumping on my legs. I think he misses Andy, I said.
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Andy wont be back for a few days, said Sam, his face grim. Well, at least you will have Piddles to keep you company, I replied, trying to smile sunnily. Yes, well, I dont suppose you could take him with you, Jennie interjected. I looked at Aranon, who just smiled and awaited my response. I dont think it would be very good for him, being on a space ship with no grass, and on a planet where you have to get from one place to another by climbing through trees. He might get lost. Maybe there are predators there that would gobble him up while I wasnt looking. Why is this such a big deal? Because we can see that he has bonded with you and feel it might be unfair to him to separate him from you. Golly! Ive only had him for a few hours! For gosh sakes, hes your dog! I turned and started toward the door, Piddles at my heals all the way. You stay! I shouted at him, reaching for the doorknob. I pulled open the door and quickly stepped out, shutting it behind me. I started down the walkway when I heard him howling and crying on the other side of the door, his toenails scraping on the wood. I just didnt understand this. It was like something outa Twilight Zone. In a few minutes the scraping and the crying stopped, and I
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leaned against a tree, feeling confused by that whole scene. Then, Aranon stepped outside, holding Piddles, and I looked at him, even more confused. I think we need to take him with us, he said, stepping up to me. This is weird, I said, taking the little dog, as he handed him to me. He licked my face, his tail wagging wildly. I mean what is going on here? I figured we would just drop off the little guy and that would be that. Well, it appears that there is definitely more here than meets the eye, he responded, opening the gate. Yeah, like they got the little guy for Andy, and now that he could care less about him, they are looking for a new home for him, I said. But, Aranon, Im not going to be here that long. Ill be going home soon. Maybe, maybe not, he replied, with a smile, his eyes twinkling. I cant stay here forever. I have to get back to my life, as abysmal as it has been. And maybe Piddles relationship with you has a greater purpose. The greater picture isnt always as apparent as we would like. No doubt, more will be revealed. So what do we do with him while we take our trip?
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We take him with us. He smiled and scratched Piddles behind the ear, earning a wag and a lick.
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Nineteen
I lay in a berth on the tri-car, Piddles curled up beside me. Aranon insisted that I take a nap, but sleep wasnt coming. The strange events with Sam and Jennie disturbed me. They were nice, and quick to compliment, but they were very strange too. I couldnt figure them out. Why had they turned over their child to experimenters? Why had they insisted I keep Piddles, when we were going on a trip, when they know I am not going to be at Anchor long? I can tell you arent napping, said Aranon, from the control center, a bit of humor in his voice. Im confused by what happened back there. Why did they insist I take the dog?
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They didnt. The dog insisted we take him. Well yeah, I replied, in a cutting voice, Im the only one whos paid any attention to him in ages. But he wouldve gotten over it. Possibly, but he was very insistent, and I am sworn to attend to the needs of others, regardless of their species. But what if he gets lost or something? A gentle smile swept across Aranons face. It is pointless to speculate as to what may happen in Piddles future. A future, I must add, that will unfold with or without your participation. I started to interrupt, but he continued. Ahh, but it was Piddles choice to be with you, and therefore it will be Piddles who will determine his future. In the meantime, because Piddles choices are often inappropriate, due to his present level of acquired intelligence, and his sensual exuberance, it would be best that you look after him as best you can, and I will agree to do so as well. Ill take care of the puppy, said a childs voice, shyly slipping past the sensation I was having of getting a talking to, by a father figure who was letting me know that I needed to stop avoiding responsibility. I guess it triggered something, which brought out one of the children in me. Maybe an experience that she was connected to, although at this time I knew nothing of
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MPD/DID, Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder. Then, I was hardly aware of her slipping past me and grabbing my conscious focus. Is this Lynn? Asked Aranon, with just a hint of surprise on his face. Yeah, she said and then grinned broadly. Then, without warning, she stuck out her lower lip and whined, You forgot my teddy bear. She covered her face with her hands, and whined wordlessly. Piddles lifted his head, tilting it back and forth. Then as she continued her whining, he was up in her face trying to push her hands away and lick her face, his tail wagging furiously. She started to giggle. Then Aranon started to chuckle. I think the puppy is here to take care of you. He patted the seat next to him. Come, sit in the seat next to me and tell me the secret you have come to tell. Lynn got up from the berth and shuffled over to him like a small child unsure of the intentions of a very big adult. Her head down, eyes peeking up, ready to duck in case a blow was on its way. She climbed into the seat like a child would, knees first, and then turning to sit. The seat lent itself nicely to the illusion of her being a small child, due to it huge size. Tell me your secret, repeated Aranon, turning toward her and smiling. He sat with his hands on his lap, his knees apart,
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leaning back, so as to be as unthreatening as possible and still remain open. I gots lots a secrets, she said, rubbing her hands up and down from her knees to her stomach and back to her knees. She was nervous and her adrenalin was pumping. Her face was stoic. I only want to hear the one that brought you here this time, he smiled. I always wanted a doggie, but Im not sponsible anuff. We used to have a doggie, but we had to leave her when we moved, and she only liked my mommy, anyway. And you wanted a doggie that would love you and that you could take care of yourself, is that it, Lynn? Yeah, but Im not sponsible anuff. Her hands began to slow down, and her face was more expressive. Well, why dont we just see if that is true, okay? Asked Aranon, reaching down and picking up Piddles, who was jumping and yipping at his feet. I would like you to take care of him. You watch him, and you feed him, and when we get to a place where he can go outside, you walk him. Is it a deal? She nodded, apprehensively. Then with a trembling lower lip she said, I cant. Why not? He asked, gently. Cause I only get to come sometimes, an I dont never know
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when. A tear slid from her eye and she froze, searching his face for the familiar reaction to tears. It wasnt there. Another tear slid out. But you are always here, little one, didnt you know that? He asked, smiling at her. No, Im not, she cried, streams of tears now flowing down her face. Well, I will tell you what. Until you can begin to reconnect with the rest of yourself, I will call you to come visit. When I say: Lynn, come here, you will come and see me. How does that sound? Okay, she said, hiccupping a little. I will call you when the doggie needs you to take care of it, okay? Okay. She brightened a little, as she wiped her face on her sleeves. You promise? I promise. Do you promise? K, she nodded. She smiled a little and reached for Piddles. Aranon placed him in her lap, and he wriggled around until he found a comfortable position and then went limp with trust and relaxation. Lynn sat petting him while Aranon went to the map projector and began looking through different star maps. Were you able to stay in contact with what was going on,
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Christy, asked Aranon after a moment, when he recognized a shift in my posture, or were you pushed aside? I was momentarily shocked by his question. No one had ever asked me how it felt when another took over, or if I remembered anything. Then I had to think about it. Did I remember anything? I remember feeling sort of ashamed and then hearing that little voice that was not me. I said. Thats all. That was Lynn, said Aranon, coming back to sit beside me. I think she carries a lot of your shame. She wants to take care of the dog. I told her she could. I think if she feels she is successful at this task, it will help her and you as well. I dont see how that can happen. I mean Im here and I want to stay here. Well, you might just want to agree to allow her to come forward from time to time. After all, Lynn is part of you, and carries some of the keys to your emotional healing, he chided, gently. So, what do you want? I asked, feeling suddenly angry. You want me to just back off and let this little kid go on this trip with you? Am I supposed to feel good about this? No, said Aranon, holding up his hand in an effort to shift my focus. I am asking you to agree to allow her to use the consciousness, for brief periods, to see to the dogs needs and to play with him. Say, fifteen minutes every three hours, so that she
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can rebuild her confidence in herself, and yours as well. I also want you to know that I will keep my word to her and give her those brief periods of time, because she deserves it and so do you. I guess I really dont have much say in the matter. I retorted. True, but you have a choice as to how you interpret the experience. I am giving you a chance to learn about yourself, to attempt to remain consciously connected, even while Lynn is expressing through your body. I am certain you can do this. If you had the capacity to meditate your way to Anchor, you certainly have the capacity to stay consciously connected while she is using the vehicle. Agreeing to allow it, simply gives you a leg up on gaining this ability, as you will always function better when you are not struggling against yourself. Ok, Ill allow it, I said, feeling the shame that always followed the experience of an authority figure laying down the law to me. This time I struggled to stay in control. Nevertheless, there was a price to that. In experiencing that shame, in experiencing the sense of worthlessness that accompanies it, always caused my gut to hurt so bad that Id double over. Then the fantasies would come and I would long for that secret experience I was still unable to articulate.
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Aranon reached over to place his hand on my back as I doubled over in pain. I began rocking back and forth with the power of it. How can I help you, Christy? He asked, and his voice held a note of concern. It hurts! I managed; gasping in pain, fear seizing me. Aranon picked me up and took me back to the berth. As soon as he put me down I rolled into a ball. Do I need to turn around and get us back to Anchor? He asked. I didnt want to turn around. I didnt want this to be happening at all! But this is the way it had always been for me. No matter where I was or what I was doing, something would happen that would trigger that deep sense of shame and I would just loose it. Then, no matter how much I wanted to get it together and go back to whatever I was doing, in class, out with friends, in church, at home in my room, I was locked into this terrifyingly painful ride until it ran its course. Sometimes it took a while, and the effects hung on even longer, making me reticent, quiet and fearful. No, dont turn back! I sobbed, my body shaking with pain and fear. Christy, either you tell me how I can help you, or I will have to take us back to Anchor. We can continue on our vacation when you are feeling better. You wont loose out on anything even if you are unable to allow me to help you right now. I will just need to get
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you to the Meathos. No! I cried again. You can make the pain go away! I give you permission! Please, just take it away, please! I sobbed, my whole body shaking in pain and fear. You realize that in order to do that Ill have to make psychic contact with you? I dont care! I cried, in a frenzy of shaking. Just take it away! Aranon reached out and placed his hand on my forehead and the pain subsided and then my whole body went limp. He held his hand there until I fell asleep. Lynn, called Aranon, come here, Lynn stirred my sleeping body and then sat up, rubbing her eyes. She looked around, blinking sleepily. The dog is hungry, said Aranon, pointing. His food is in the bowl on that little table over there, just waiting for you to give it to him. He smiled at her as she stretched and got off the berth. Ill feed him, she said. She went to the table and picked up the dish of food and then called Piddles with a kissing noise. Here doggie. Piddles ran to her all wags and smiles, his tongue lolling, and then danced around her as she carried the dish to an empty space along the bulkhead and put it down. Piddles began to
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inhale it immediately. She sat down on the floor beside him, petting him while he ate, his tail wagging with each contact of her hand. When he finished, he curled up beside her on the floor. There is a bowl of water there too, Lynn. Why dont you put it down beside his food dish? Ok, she said getting up. She got the water and put it beside the food bowl. Piddles sniffed it, drank deeply for a few seconds, and then went back to sit on the bed, wagging his tail and looking at her. I think Piddles is telling you that its ok to go back to sleep now, said Aranon. Ok, she replied, and shuffled back to the bed and climbed in. Thank you for calling me, she said, snuggling down into the pillow. Youre welcome, he replied. Thank you for feeding the dog. I turned over in the berth and realized that we were still on the ship. I was glad. I was really looking forward to seeing Archana. How long did I sleep? I asked. Oh, a couple of hours, give or take a few minutes, he
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responded. He was sitting in a chair beside the berth I lay in. Are you aware that I called Lynn to feed the dog? No. Thats okay, I just thought I would let you know. Next time I will let you know before I call her, so that you can be prepared to allow it to happen, consciously. But before that can happen, I think we are probably going to need a little help from the Meathos. Well, we are going to Meathos home planet. Maybe they will help me there. I mean, they are the same, arent they? Yes, he said, grinning. They are the same, and remain consciously connected in spite of their distance from the Mother Pool. So maybe we can get their help on Archana. Maybe, but our reason for being there is listed as instructive so we may have to re-petition in order to have that added to our agenda. How long does it take to get there? I asked, wondering why it was taking so long. That depends, he replied. The truth is we could be there in just a couple of minutes. The reason for the delay is first; concerns about you, and second; we are still awaiting a port clearance.
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So, I asked, whats taking so long? Remember they are psychic. I am sure they too have some concerns about you. Im fine now. Thank you for helping me like that. Im sorry it happened, but I am glad you were willing to help me. I am always willing to help you, he replied, his face softening. I am also willing to forgo helping you if that is your choice. Your healing must come from within you. I am just here to facilitate your choices toward that end. So, is there some way you can call and tell them that I am okay now and ask if the Meathos would be willing to help me with this Lynn thing? I will check in a few minutes with the Port Authority to see how their plans are shaping up. In the meantime, I would like to ask you about something I encountered while assisting you with your pain. Dont go there, I replied, apprehensively, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Not now. If you open that can of worms we will have to turn back, and I would really rather not go there right now. Nevertheless, thoughts and emotions began churning within me and I could feel myself loosing it again. Just the hint of possibility that Aranon might have seen my secret wish was
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enough to bring it all back up to the surface. I moaned, gripping my stomach again. It appears that even thinking about this tends to bring it up, Christy. I dont see how we can continue on without dealing with it first. I was determined that this would not get in our way, and struggled to push down the pain and block out the thoughts and feelings. Everything was swirling, and I had to gasp to get air in my lungs. Then that ugly blackness swooped down and enveloped me again. God Damn it! Yelled a voice that was not mine. Cant you just leave well enough alone, Godzilla? Kerry had grabbed the consciousness and sat up, balling her hands into fists, ready for a physical confrontation. I am concerned that Christy is not going to be able to get the full benefit of this trip while she continues to struggle with her internal pain, he responded, taking the shift calmly. Well if you would stop bringing it up, jerk-off, she might have an easier time with it! Her fists came up, ready to attack. Yes, possibly, he replied, in a calm and friendly tone, but it will still be there, right under the surface, awaiting the next event that triggers it, which can come at any time, it appears. Look dumb-head, we have lived with this for years and
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years, and what brings it up are people like you who keep picking and picking at it, replied Kerry in a loud and angry voice, Just BACK OFF! Do you have the capacity to absorb these thoughts and feelings and keep them safely out of her consciousness for a period of time? Her face went pensive, as she considered this. After all, she was the Protector. Could she do that? The others inside had the capacity to keep other painful secrets safe from intrusion, why not her? Ive never thought about that, she said, her voice softer, almost like Christys. I might be able to do that. I just never tried before. What if I helped you do it? He asked. Would you be willing to release those secrets when I asked you to? How would you be able to help me do that? She asked, and then her face changed back again to the anger and belligerence that Kerry commanded so well. You better not be messing with me buster! I can help you by making psychic contact with you and assisting you in building an energy field around the secret. You would have complete control over those thoughts and feelings though, so I would need your word that you will release them only
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when I ask you to do so. I would be placing you on your honor and I will be placing my trust in you to do what is appropriate, at the appropriate time. This caught her off guard. No one, outside of the system, had ever trusted her with anything. It might be interesting to see if he really meant it or was just jerking her around. Id be putting you on your honor too, Gonzo, and if youre messing with me, Ill hurt you, got that? Agreed. If I, in any way, cause you to feel as though you are being controlled or manipulated, you have my permission to hurt me. Ill even stand still for you, and not fight back. Is it a deal? How do I know I can really trust you? She asked, jutting her chin out and giving him a dangerous glare. Well, that works both ways, he responded, softly. How can I be sure I can trust you? Well, Im here to protect this system, and I always do what is best for the whole. I only mess with people when I think they are messing with us. And do you think I am messing with you or your system? Asked Aranon, smiling at her belligerence in an effort to express her toughness. Again, she softened. She smiled to herself, imagining that she now had power over saints and angels. Okay, I get your
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point, she said. Ill keep my word if you keep yours. Its a deal, he replied, encouraged by her willingness to trust, something that was innately difficult for her, given the part she played in the system. So, what do I have to do? She asked, relaxing a little, releasing her fisted hands and letting them drop into her lap. Just lay back and try to relax. I will need to touch you, is that all right? That depends on where you touch this body, jerk-off. I wont put up with any shit, got that? Im just going to touch your forehead. You may feel a tingling sensation, but I will not harm you in any way, you have my word. Fine, she said, a little less belligerently, Lets get this over with. Aranon reached out and laid his hand on her forehead. Her eyes showed a little fear, and then she smiled and closed them. He kept his hand there for a few minutes and then took it away. Kerry had gone deep within, holding the secret wish that fed the storms of emotion, keeping it safe until the time was right.
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A few minutes later I stirred and looked over to see Aranon still sitting in the chair beside my berth. Im sorry, I said, knowing that I had been away again. Are we going to have to turn around? I dont think so, he said, pensively. I am hoping that you will begin to feel better now, in more control of your emotions. Okay, I said, realizing that I was feeling better and that there were no dark thoughts surging through my mind, no pain at all in my gut. Have you talked to the Port guys? When can we land? Well, soon, he replied, but first we need to take care of Piddles needs, so I have landed on an uninhabited planet where he can get a much needed walk. Really? I asked, fascinated by the thought of seeing a virgin planet. Yes, but I will need to ask Lynn to come forward, so that she can walk the dog. I would like for you to try to remain connected to the consciousness, even though you will be in the background. Are you willing to try? You bet your ass Ill try, I said, feeling cheated by his determination to allow Lynn to see this new planet, not at all sure that I could stay aware while she was in control. Good, he said, smiling softly. Lynn, come here, he
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intoned, with authority. I felt her stir within me and felt her looking through my eyes. She smiled and sat up on the berth. Its time to take the dog for a walk, he said, soothingly. I stopped at a really nice place so that we can all go outside. Okay. She got off the bed and then turned and picked up Piddles. We followed Aranon to the hatch and waited while he opened it and extended the stairs. I was seeing all this, but I couldnt interact. Lynn was in control. It felt strange and it was exasperating when he opened the door and I couldnt express my wonder at the alien-ness of the planet as she looked out at it. Goodness! she exclaimed. Are we in Oz? Oz? Asked Aranon, puzzled. Then after a moment of thought he replied, No, Lynn, but we are on another world that is different from Earth. He chuckled at her wide-eyed wonder as he helped her down the stairs. He clipped the dog leash to Piddles collar and handed her the handle. Wow! She said, looking around her in fascination as she put Piddles on the ground. He immediately began running toward some trees, or at least I think they were trees. He almost jerked our arm out of its socket in his enthusiasm. The sky was a violet color, the foliage on the trees and plants, purple and blue. It was like one of those photographs
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where they use an alternate color scheme. There was no doubt in my mind that this was an alien planet! A cool breeze blew, laden with scents that were alien but not distasteful. Alien birds called in alien voices, and somewhere water made chortling noises. We walked, pulled along, laboriously, by little Piddles. He seemed to have the strength of a Great Dane as he literally dragged us toward the shrubs that looked both a little like trees and a little like large bushes. As we approached the plants, I could see that they were laden with gleaming indigo and silver flowers that exuded a scent that was nearly overpowering. Piddles enthusiastically relieved himself several times, while in intervals delighted himself with all the wonderful new scents. Lynn followed him, hanging on to his leash for dear life, like a real trooper. In my minds eye I could see her, a disheveled eight-year-old in oversized jeans, belted tightly at the waist causing large gathered ripples of denim ruffles sticking out over the belt. The cuffs were folded up neatly; probably three times; the jeans being hand me downs from her older brother. I saw her wearing a long sleeved polo shirt on top, tucked neatly into her jeans, the sleeves pushed up in ripples from her wrists. I saw her platinum blond hair as messy and tangled, and yet charming as it surrounded her
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cherubic face like a golden halo. I knew she was grinning and laughing, as she allowed herself to be tugged along by the exuberant little dog with a strength and vitality that belied his size. I am thoroughly delighted by her happy screams as Piddles tugs her here and there, and I also feel h e r delight and her wonderful sense of freedom and abandon. A childs dream is being fulfilled; a nice giant has come to take her to an enchanted land where everything is amazing and magical. I joined her, in her magical dream, dancing with the dog, letting him lead, and letting myself be surprised by his sudden exuberant shifts in direction and yet feeling totally trusting, because the good giant was there, watching over us. Time to go back now, Lynn, called Aranon, waving and smiling at her. Piddles isnt done yet, she said, not wanting to ever leave this pretty place. Piddles will get other walks, he said, motioning her back. There are more wonderful places for us to visit. Okay, she said, a bit sadly, Im comin. We ran to Aranon, and he led us back into the ship. We climbed aboard, piddles in our arms, feeling hopeful, feeling renewed. Lynn took Piddles to his water and took off his leash. She turned to Aranon and handed him the leash.
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Do I gota go now? she asked. I felt her hurt, which she quickly wrapped in her resignation. She hung her head. What do you think, Christy, he asked, seeming to know that I was there this time. Does she have to go? I shook our head no while she crossed her fingers and chanted under her breath, please, please, please let me stay, please. You may stay for a time, said Aranon, grinning at her. Immediately, she started yelling YEAH! and jumping up and down in circles. Aranon chuckled at her antics. I was laughing with her, too. Then suddenly her curiosity peeked and she wanted to know about everything. Where are we going? She asked, running to Aranon and looking way up at him. I thought he made me feel small; to Lynn he actually w a s a gentle giant. Whats it like there? We are going to a planet some call Archana, he replied, kneeling down and hugging her to him, gently. We felt our trust growing. It is a very beautiful and wonderful place. You will get to come out and see it for yourself. I will need you to take care of Piddles there too, you know. Animals require constant attention. That means you will get to come out a lot. And after I talk to Christy, she may want you here more, so she can get to know you and so you can get to know her.
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Whos Chrisy? She asked, slurring my name. Christy is the lady that lives in that body you are using right now. The body belongs to both of you, but you havent been able to get to know each other until now. Now, that you are able to trust me, I can help you both to get to know each other. Would you like to get to know her? Is that why I had to stay in the closet all the time? She asked, bypassing his question. Because she didn know I was here? You wont have to stay in the closet anymore, Lynn, he said compassionately. I can help you to do what Christy is doing, right now, which is staying just behind your eyes, watching, and maybe feeling, but not interfering. Can you feel her there? Does she hate me? She asked, again bypassing his question and I could feel a frightened look on her face. Is that why she kept me in that closet? Why dont you ask her? He said, giving her another gentle hug. She can hear what you say, and you can hear what she says inside your mind. Go ahead, ask her, little one. Do you hate me Christy? She asked me, getting the name right. No, I thought to her. Youre right, I didnt even know you were there. I am really glad I got to meet you. I hope you dont
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mind my being here with you. I really like you. Lynn smiled broadly, listening to my response, which was just another magical occurrence for her, an experience not quite real. She was living within a fairy story. What did she say? Asked Aranon, hugging her again as he saw the smile sweep across her face. Tell me. She said she liked me and she hopes I dont mind her bein inside my head. She clapped her hands and laughed delightedly. So I can do that too? Can I look out and watch and listen, and not have to stay in the closet? She was excited now, quivering as she awaited his response. Yes, he said, sweet girl. He picked her up and carried her to the berth. Are you ready to give it a try? She nodded. Okay, then you need to lie down and get really comfy, and I am gonna sit here in my chair beside you and put my hand on your forehead. Then you will feel yourself slip backwards a little, but be patient until Christy opens her eyes. Then you will be able to see and hear everything that happens. You might even be able to feel, and smell and taste too. No more closets. From now on you get to stick around. He winked at her as she lay down, and then reached out and placed his hand on her forehead. I felt a shift and opened my eyes. That was the most wonderful experience Ive ever had! I
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exclaimed, sitting up in the berth. Aranon grinned at me. Now we are ready to land on Archana, he laughed. He got up and went to the control panel and began touching lighted buttons.
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Twenty
Aranon opened the portal so that we could watch our approach to Archana. At first it was a shining globe, which then became a planet swirled with clouds, mostly silver and white with patches of blue-green. As we descended into the atmosphere, clouds blocked any view of what was below. Then, slowly I saw the tops of what had to be giant trees. Descending further, below the treetops, I saw what looked like a floating City of sparkling lights, crisscrossed with huge roads that flowed along the spreading and intersecting branches of the giant trees, layers of
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them. We landed on a parapet which spanned several broad branches, marked off like a parking lot into landing berths, some of which already held small ships like ours and even a few more expansive models, like luxury cruse liners. As Aranon opened the door and lowered the stairs, a group shining figures approached. I had Piddles in a backpack that Aranon had synthesized for me, to give me a hands free way to carry him. As we went down the steps, he stood on his hind legs inside the backpack, poking his head out between the flaps and peeking over my shoulder at the approaching welcoming committee, periodically cleaning my left ear with his wet tongue. I reached back and patted his head. His tail slapped back and forth, as he waged it enthusiastically, making the sound of a tiny drum as it hit against the sides of the backpack. The welcoming committee consisted of three entities, all astonishingly awesome. The tallest was a bipedal humanoid being nearly as tall as Aranon, whose skin was a silvery color. The beings sex, if that is an applicable term, was indeterminate. Ill call this being a he, as that was the energy I felt from him. He was unbelievably thin, and his head appeared to be too large for his stick-like body, and was hairless. He wore a shimmering robe of a semi-transparent fabric, the threads of which were shining gold and silver strands that caught the light. The most astonishing
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thing about him was that he appeared to have wings. They were not the kind of wings you would imagine an angel had though. They were more like webbing, which spanned down the inside of the arm to the wrist, connecting to the trunk of the body from the underarms to the top of his hips. He had and expressive thin face and large almond shaped eyes that were a startling blue with silver flecks in them. He had no ears, but there were orifices on each side of the head, which probably served as organs of hearing. He had a tiny button nose and a small thin mouth that was curled up at the corners in a gentle smile. The next being was much smaller, about my size, also a bipedal humanoid type being, and this one gave off the energy of a female. She was covered with silver fur except on her face and hands, somewhat like a chimp, although that is where the similarity ended. She was perfectly proportioned, in human terms, her arms and legs, aside from the fur, were human looking, as were her hands, with five digits. She also wore a shimmery robe that was less transparent, but just as eye-catching as the others. Her face was round and very human looking and she also had ears. Her eyes were golden, and seemed to glow with their own light. Beneath the robe I could see the hint of small breasts. The robe was belted, showing off an hourglass figure. Her face shown with humor and intelligence and she could not keep her eyes off
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of Piddles, who seemed drawn to her as well and began to wine and strain toward her as though she were a long lost friend that he just had to get to. I reached back and patted his head and murmured claming words to him. The next being was an amorphous entity, which swirled and glowed but held no specific shape. I knew this being, in spite of this alien personification. This was the Meathos. As my eyes held upon the Meathos, it morphed into what can only be interpreted as an angel, with huge white feathery wings, and a beatific countenance that was both male and female, surrounded with soft flowing golden hair. It wrapped itself in a filmy gown that sparkled and shimmered in the light breeze. It nodded at me and then smiled with a smile that imparted recognition, love and acceptance. Welcome to Archana. The silver-furred female said, stepping forward to take my hand in a familiar handshake. I gave her my hand and was enchanted by the sensations and visions that seemed to fill my mind as she touched me. We will be your guides and interpreters, as you familiarize yourself with our society. I am called Remmie. I represent the Siminians. I will be acquainting you with our arts, music, and leisure pursuits. She then turned and indicated the tall, thin figure to her right. This is Amagon, the representative for the Sensarians, who will be
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acquainting you with our planets political and social structure, if that is of interest to you. Then she turned to the Meathos. This is the Meathos, with whom you are already acquainted. The Meathos will be acquainting you with our spiritual practices and history. She then went to Aranon, shook his hand and spoke in a language I had never heard before. It sounded almost like she was singing him a song. To my surprise, he responded in the same language. After she had spoken to Aranon, he took my hand and we followed the three guides through a large set of ornate double doors that led into what appeared to be the hollowed-out insides of a great tree. As soon as we entered we were asked to remove our shoes. Then I was led one way, by Remmie, and Aranon was led another by Amagon. I was taken into a large room that was divided up with little cells, like bathroom stalls. Remmie explained that I must undress and then bathe, after which I would be given suitable attire. She asked if she could care for Piddles while I did this. I took off the backpack and handed it to her. She withdrew Piddles from the pack, cuddling him in her arms as he excitedly licked her face and wagged his tail. I knew he would be just fine. She led me to a stall where she opened a curtain. Inside was a wooden tub filled with steaming water. At least it looked like water. She showed me the towels, soft and voluminous, and the
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clothing I was to change into. Then she left me to undress and bathe, closing the curtain behind her. I got undressed, folding my clothes and placing them in Piddles pack, and then I climbed the steps to the small, circular deck that surrounded the wooden tub. It was a lot like a Japanese tub that I had once seen in a movie. I eased myself into the steamy water. I am still not certain if it was water, but it smelled heavenly and was warm, but not too warm. I couldnt find soap or a washcloth, so I just rubbed myself all over, under the water, finally submerging my head and fanning my hair with my fingers to clean it as best I could without shampoo. I lay in the tub, luxuriating for a while, wishing for bubbles. I then got out, dried myself off with the soft but spongy towel that seemed to literally suck the moisture from my body and hair. In no time at all I was completely dry! Then I got dressed in the tunic type clothing I was given. I felt self-conscious because I was told to leave all of my personal effects in the cubical and had not been provided with any underwear. I was not to bring anything I arrived with out of the stall, so I could not wear my own underpants. The tunic was of a white filmy material that went to just below my knees. It was actually one piece with a head hole in the middle, which I put my head through and then belted it at the waist with a sash that was also provided. The sash kept the sides from flaring
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open. I was uncomfortable with this, but I figured no one would be molesting me here, so what the heck. Finally, I put soft fabric slippers, also provided, on my feet. They stretched over my feet like socks, but as I walked in them, the part that made contact with the floor grew thicker, firmer, and yet within molded to my feet. As I opened the curtain, Remmie stood just outside holding Piddles, who had obviously been bathed as well, and also wore tiny slippers on his paws. There was a halter of made of silvery material belted around the upper part of his body to which a silvery leash was attached. When she saw me exit the stall, she placed him on the floor and handed me his leash. Your small friend is charming, and very talkative, she said, smiling broadly. Really? I must have looked shocked by this news, for she immediately began to tell me about her discussions with him. He told me that you are not one but many, and that he adores each of you. He also told me that he has a special message for you, which I will be glad to translate later, after you have completed the testing phase. She led me from the bathing room, back into the hall we had entered into originally. There, Aranon stood in a large white tunic like mine. He was positively glowing, and his face was filled with
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humor, his eyes twinkling in the bright golden light. I wondered what special secret he knew that had him so tickled. Ill bet you enjoyed that bath, he said, grinning broadly. He took my free hand and Remmie led us into a larger room that had a deeply religious feel to it. On the walls were tapestries depicting representatives of each of the races of Archana as well as other races, even human beings, sharing balls of light with one another. There was a sanctity about the place that made me feel blessed just by being there. There were pedestals around the room upon which stood what appeared to be religious artifacts carved out of many different colors of wood. I was then separated from Aranon as Remmie led Piddles and I to a raised dais upon which sat a Sensarian in a flowing purple robe with shining silver threads woven through it. I couldnt tell if this was the same Sensarian who had greeted us on the parapet when we landed, as I was unfamiliar with the racial nuances that personify individuality. The being then spoke to me and Remmie turned to me, offering the translation. He asks; what are you? I am a human being, I replied. The being seemed to reiterate the same question, which was born up by Remmies translation; What are you? I am a female human being, I responded, thinking that I left
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that part out. Again, the being reiterated that same question. There was no doubt in my mind that it sounded exactly the same. I couldnt imagine what it was he wanted me to say. Im a child of God, I responded, and hoped that he wouldnt ask again, because I was fresh out of ideas on how else to describe myself. Remmie translated my response and a smile spread across the thin, bony face of my inquisitor. His demeanor shifted, and he asked another question. Why are you here? Remmie translated. I decided to give this question some thought, as I now thought I knew where this was going. After a moment I responded with, I am here to learn. Remmie gave me the biggest grin and then turned to the Inquisitor and translated my response. A broader smile traversed his face, and his aura; the light around him; became visible to me. I think I gasped, because he appeared the way renaissance paintings depicted great saints and masters. The colors around him were florescent, and consisted of vivid blues, greens, gold and a shimmering violet. I was transfixed. Then, he asked another question, and his colors shifted and swirled like a kaleidoscope. Where are you going? Came Remmies translation.
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This was a difficult one to answer. I was unsure what was meant by it. Was he asking where I was going after I left here? I didnt think so. I now realized that these questions had more to do with my spiritual journey than my day-to-day life. Again, I gave it some thought and finally decided on a response. I am on a spiritual journey toward truth and oneness with my Creator, I said, finally. Remmie again grinned broadly, and spoke the translation to him. His aura got even more expansive and filled with more violet and pink, with golden swirls. He smiled at me and held out his arms. Remmie led me up three stairs to the dais, taking Piddles leash as he took me into his arms and enfolded me in his aura. I felt totally unafraid. I dont think I have ever felt such love. It was warm and tactile, like sunshine on my skin. I could have stayed there forever, in his embrace. Finally, he released me, but I was reluctant to leave him. Then, in my mind I heard a voice. You are a part of our family now, and wherever you may go, there we will be, to protect you and bear you up when lifes trials weigh you down. I have placed a portion of my love in your heart, to light your way in the dark times and to foster joy in the bright times. Go now and learn so that the truth can be revealed to you and you can find the path, within your heart, that will lead you to your Creator.
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Remmie put her arm around my shoulder and led me back down the stairs. I looked back at the great shining being sitting there on that dais and smiled and waved. Aranon was right, said Remmie in a whisper, you are a charming being. She giggled at my disorientation, as she led Piddles and I from the sanctuary. I felt like I was walking through Jello and kept tripping over my own feet. By the time we were back in the entry hall, I was giggling too, giddy with the power of the feelings of love and acceptance that were still flowing through me. That was fun! I said, still giggling. I think he likes me! Yes, he does! Agreed Remmie, recovering from her giggles, although her face was still wreathed in humor. I do too! I am so glad that Aranon decided to bring you here. I am really looking forward to getting to know you. She released me after a strong hug and left the room with Piddles without another word. There I stood there looking up at Aranon, a silly grin on my face, while he grinned back at me. Did I pass the test? I asked. With flying colors, he said, pulling me to him and giving me a gentle hug as well. I was sure getting my share of warm fuzzy hugs today. What now? We wait for Remmie to return with Piddles, and then we get
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to go explore! Almost as he said it, Remmie reappeared walking Piddles on his leash, sporting his new halter and cute little booties. It seemed that he was literally prancing; his head and tail held high and he had a bounce in his step I had never seen before. I wondered what they had done for him and if he too had to undergo some sort of test. As soon as he saw me he started to run, pulling his leash right out of Remmies hand. He jumped at my feet, yipping and laughing, his tongue lolling. I reached down and picked him up and he immediately started licking my face, his tail wagging as fast as it could go. Okay, Piddles. Just settle down. With that he relaxed in my arms like a sack of flour, laying his snout on my shoulder, yawing and then closing his eyes. He was such a character I just had to smile. Let me show you to your quarters, where you can relax for a while and change into your familiar clothing if that suits you. She handed us each a soft shimmering package that held our belongings. The garment you were given is yours to keep, in memory of your adoptive family. With that she turned and started for the large door we had come through from the spaceport. We followed. Remmie led us down a flight of stairs to a huge road that
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looked more like a giant tunnel, infolded in leafy branches. We couldnt see the road from the top of the stairs, all we could see was foliage. Then, as we descended the stairs, going down through clumps of overhanging branches, we could see the hint of motion between the leaves. Finally, only ten feet up from the roads surface, we could see the traffic. It was mostly foot traffic, although there was a defined area for vehicles. The vehicles were unusual to say the least. Some looked like bicycles, although most of them had several riders, several wheels and sets of seats and peddles. There must be sharp corners here in the treetops, I guess, for each wheel was on a pivot, so that sharp turns could be taken with ease. I watched them gliding by, each rider peddling away. Then there were the Pedal-coaches, where there was an enclosed cab set back on two large wheels, with a peddler up front, like some of the bicycle rickshaws in China. Nevertheless, the similarity ended there, as some of these coaches were big enough to seat fifteen to twenty people in them and required several peddlers. We joined the foot traffic and I got an up-close look at the beings on the road. Mostly they were Siminians. They didnt wear clothes, but they liked decorations. They wore head decorations, not hats. They fastened things to their fur, like jewels, bows, bells, charms, and talismans. They also wore necklaces and scarves,
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armbands, ankle bands and rings. They carried or held the hands of children, small and not furry like their parents. In fact the children looked astonishingly human, with just a light dusting of fur on their human-like bodies. This embarrassed me, as without the thick covering of fur like their parents, I saw them as naked. I had difficulty even looking at them and my eyes kept looking in places they shouldnt. The reason this bothered me is that they also had human-like genitalia. I wish the children wore clothes, I said to Aranon. That would be unnatural to them. He gave me an indulgent smile. If you are disturbed by it I can carry you and you can close your eyes until we get to our living space. It is disturbing, but it shouldnt be. I mean they are just children. Look at them. They are so sweet and cute. Why must I see them as though they are about to be molested? By molested, I take it you mean sexually violated? Asked Aranon, stopping me and kneeling down so that he could look into my eyes. Im sorry, I said, feeling as though I had said something distasteful or bad. No, no, he said, gently, taking my hand. Its ok, I am just concerned that you are making these connections in your mind because of an event in your past where you were frightened,
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maybe even hurt. I am concerned that this may trigger a reaction where you may have difficulty maintaining your composure. I think it best that I carry you. Okay. I gave in. I was feeling a little disoriented. He swept me up into his arms, Piddles and all; and like piddles, I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. For a while I just relaxed into the sway of his gait, but the naked children kept playing in my mind. Finally, the gait changed and I opened my eyes to see us ascending a flight of stairs. I felt much better once I could open my eyes. Aranon put me down when Remmie stopped at a door and opened it. This will be your quarters while you are here, she said, leading us inside. There is a sleeping room for each of you, although we are still seeking to locate a sleeping palate of the proper dimensions for you, Aranon. There is a personal care center through there, she motioned toward a curtained doorway across the main room in which we were standing. And this is the common room, complete with a habitation pool for the Meathos, as you requested, as well as food delivery, if you require it. Christy, she turned to me, Let me show you your sleeping room. I followed her through a doorway and into a room with a bed, which consisted of a thick mat on a low shelf that seemed as
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though it were built into the wall. A stack of what looked like blankets were piled on the mat. In the corner was a small round mat, with a small blanket folded on top of it. There were cabinets carved out of another wall across from the bed. Will this meet your needs and those of your small friend? She asked. Im sure it will be just fine, I replied, thank you so much for your thoughtful care. I made a promise to you. I would like to keep that promise now, she said, smiling at me. Okay. I wasnt quite sure what she was getting at, but interested in finding out. Will you allow me to speak to Piddles? She reached for him, and when he heard his name he was immediately attentive. I handed him to her and he wriggled and wagged and licked her as she cuddled him to her breast. She spoke to him in strange noises, and he spoke back to her in whines and yips and barks, his tail wagging rapidly. He actually appeared to be smiling. Then she put him down and he ran to the small mat, spreading the folded blanket with his nose and paws and then after turning around several times, he finally plopped down and looked at me with his tongue lolling and a smile on his muzzle. He was obviously satisfied with his accommodations.
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When I was preparing him for his testing, began Remmie he told me that he had a special message for you. I am now prepared to give you that message. Okay, I said, dubious. He says that you are very kind to all creatures, and that you have caught the attention of the Animal Devas. Okay, I responded, not understanding at all. In your world you have two evolving sentient races. One of them is in the physical, and the other is in the etheric. The Physical race you know as your own, human race. The etheric race is the Devic. The Devic race is responsible for assisting the physical in its utilization of materials. It is also responsible for the development of soul substance in the animal and vegetable kingdoms. The animal Devas want you to know that you have assisted greatly in the development of animal souls, and in the individuation of those souls in preparation for the human experience. The Devas have the capacity to assist in drawing the needed substance for meeting the needs of those who work with them, those who assist them in their work. Piddles tells me that the Devas offer you assistance, in gathering what you need to progress toward your goals, and that all you need to do is to trust that they are there, aware of you, and ready to assist, and then ask them for their assistance. They can not help humans unless
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humans ask for it. She smiled at me and then reached down and gave Piddles a friendly pat on the head. Okay. I was completely lost and had no idea what she was talking about. As she left me alone in my room, I kept going over what she had said, and kept coming up with a blank as to what it all meant. Devas; a second evolving race on my planet? Why had I never heard about them? Why hadnt scientists discovered them? Finally, I shrugged and went back into the other room. How are you feeling? Asked Aranon, and I realized that Remmie had left and we were alone. Okay, I guess. Tell me about the feelings that you were experiencing while walking on the road with the Siminians. The children look human. They have no fur. That is because they do not acquire their coats until after puberty, he explained. It is also because in the scheme of things, they are biologically related to you. So why dont they put clothes on them? Why should they? Your inhibitions are the result of the development of your race, and as the result of ritualistic taboos that have become ingrained in your Racial Consciousness. They have a different racial development and they do not have the same taboos and rituals as Earthers. Are you suggesting that they
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clothe their children just so you will feel more comfortable around them? No, I muttered, feeling ashamed by my feelings. Okay, he smiled, now that I know you arent laboring under any unrealistic expectations, tell me about your feelings about naked children and molestation. I winced at his statement. I didnt think I could talk about it. Actually, I wasnt too sure I understood it myself. All I can tell you is that when I see naked children, I feel sick, and I want to run away and hide. Can you tell me when this began? When I was little. Okay, can you remember how old you were? Eight maybe. Hmm, he said, Lynn is eight. So? I asked. Well, alters are often generated as the result of an experience that contains unbearable pain and fear. Many times these experiences are based in sexual molestation. Do you remember being sexually molested when you were eight? I was sorta kidnapped by a couple of teenagers when I was eight, and they did nasty things to me. Tell me what you mean by, sorta kidnapped?
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Well, they tricked me. They told me they knew of a magical place and that they would show it to me. My brother told me not to go with them. I was stupid. I went. And what did your brother do? Went home, I guess. He didnt stay to protect you? He told me not to go with them. I wouldnt listen. I guess he was mad at me. So he abandoned you to the care of two suspect teenagers, and just went home? Did he alert your parents? Mom and dad were at work. I should have gone with him. It was my fault I got hurt. You were a curios eight-year-old child. You were excited about the possibility that they would show you a magical place. You have been connected to Lynn, is that an unrealistic description of her at that time? No, I said, feeling hot tears scorch my eyes and throat. So the choice you made at that time, being the child that you were; the child that Lynn is; was a natural choice. How could she have known that she would wind up being molested? But my brother told me not to go, I sobbed; feeling caught in a loop there was no way out of. I fell into a huge stuffed pillow; one of several scattered about the room and buried my face,
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ashamed of my tears. The Meathos is on its way. He came over to me and knelt beside me, rubbing my back gently. I think this is something we will need help with. I was aware of another presence in the room and looked up. The personification of an angel stood behind Aranon, its face wreathed in compassion. It nodded to me and then went to the habitation pool and melted into its familiar liquefied form. Come on, said Aranon, gathering me up in his arms. Ill join you in the pool. He walked into the pool with me and we submerged ourselves in the Meathos together. Slowly, as the Meathos surrounded me, I began to feel a deep sense of peace fill me, and I felt loved and accepted. Aranon gave me time to just float in that peace. Lynn, come here, spoke Aranon in my mind. That was one of the side effects of being in the Meathos with Aranon, I could read his thoughts and he could read mine, although Aranon had the ability to shield his thoughts from me to some degree. Help! I cant breathe! Cried Lynn, struggling in Aranons arms. Trust me, Lynn. Just relax and breathe normally, dont struggle. Its okay, just relax and breathe normally. As he spoke she relaxed and finally became still.
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Where am I? She asked. Where is Piddles? Piddles is fine right now, Lynn. We are in a very special place where you can here my thoughts and I can hear yours. I asked you to come because I need to ask you about something and I need you to take me with you into a memory you have been holding. Ok. What memry? Tell me about the boys who tricked you into going with them by telling you they were going to show you a magical place. Almost immediately both our bodies physically jerked, as Lynn, Aranon and I were instantly transported back to the incident. We traveled through rapid-fire vignettes of screaming, fear and terror, as the teenage boys played sex games with the naked eight-year-old Lynn in a dirty, dank garage. In one scene the boys were ripping and tearing her clothes off and she was screaming and sobbing, fearful of what her mother would think of her ruining the clothes that just the day before she had watched her mother make on her sewing machine. In another scene they were jamming sticks and pencils and any other objects they could find in the dimly lit garage, into her vagina. In another they were taking turns raping her. In another was the doctor my mother took me to, to find out if I had been damaged. In another was the look on my mothers face when she
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told me she didnt feel a bit sorry for me, because I knew better. You knew not to go with those boys. Your brother told you not to go. Whatever you got you asked for, you wanted. Otherwise you would have minded your brother. The scenes continued to explode and shift through my consciousness, Lynn and I and Aranon connected within this whirl of terror, pain, invalidation, abandonment and loss, like being flushed down a toilet together. Feeling not only worthless, but like excrement. In the midst of that pain, everyone abandoned me, even the doctor, who was irritated by my screams as he used an adult speculum on me; instructing my mother to tell me to shut up. I was punished for responding like the victim that I was. There was pain upon pain, wrapped in terrifying dreams and deep wells of desperation. Lynn died that day and Davy was born. Davy, the little boy who sought my parents love by being just like my brother, because my brother was the apple of their eye. Poor Davy, he could never grow a penis.
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Twenty-One
I awoke in my bed in our apartment on Archana with Piddles curled up beside me. So much for his personal accommodations. I rolled over and discovered that Aranon was sitting on a large pillow that he had pulled into my room and placed beside my bed. His eyes opened the minute he heard me stir. Hello, he said sleepily. I guess they still havent got you a bed yet. Oh they brought that for me a while ago, but I wanted to be with you when you woke up. Then the memories hit me like a fist in the stomach and I felt sick. I rolled back over and pulled the covers over my head. We need to discuss what you remember. It is important that
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you allow your feelings out as soon as you can. I know it is difficult, I was there with you, Christy, remember? Then you know that just thinking about it makes me feel sick! I said angrily, unwilling to face him. It makes me feel sick too. It was a terrible thing to live through, but you did. You survived it, thanks to Lynn. She has shown you the truth about what she experienced, now you need to accept that truth and validate it for yourself. You must validate Lynns feelings and your feelings, for until you do, no one else can. There is nothing to validate, I snapped, whishing that he would just go away. Oh, but there is, he replied, earnestly. Lynn was abandoned, and you were abandoned in your pain. She was invalidated for having that pain, and in turn, so were you. We cant fault the others involved, for they were acting out of what they thought to be appropriate at the time. That does not, in any way, diminish the fact that what each of them did caused disintegration in your life, and your emotional being through the pain, terror and abandonment you experienced. You felt what you felt, and you need to acknowledge that. It caused you emotional and psychic damage, and you need to acknowledge that too, or healing cannot commence.
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There can be no healing from that! I cried, curling into a ball under the covers. Yes, he said, softly, there can. Go away! I had finally had enough. I dont want to talk about it! But it was too late, the memories came flooding back, and I was caught up in their power. I started to scream to block the flurry of pictures flashing in my mind. It didnt help. My present screams just blended with the ones in my memory, and I was back being raped, again and again. Tell me what you are feeling, he said, in a commanding tone. I can help you through it. I can help you to step away and look at it from my vantage point. It hurts! I yelled, over and over, the pain exploding in my genitals, as if it were happening right that moment. Yes, it hurts. It is unbearable! It is terrifying! Yes! I screamed. Make it stop! You can ease the pain, Christy. All you need to do is step aside. Stand outside that eight-year-old body. Do it now, Christy! He commanded. Maybe he helped me to do it, and maybe I was just in so much pain I was willing to try anything. I forced myself to view the experience from a position outside the body of that eight-year-old
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me. As I did, I was able to see both the boys, one holding me down while the other raped me, and I could see me, my tangled blond hair with the dirt and bits of debris in it, my contorted face, my mouth open in a scream. I could see my naked body, covered in dirt and semen. I saw the naked bodies of the two boys, their anxious and excited faces and I felt sick and dirty. I wanted to kick them off that little child! I wanted to grab the rake, hanging on the wall of that dirty garage and fill their bodies full of bloody holes with it! Stop it! I screamed at them. Stop it! Shes just a little kid! Youre hurting her! Youre killing her! Is this what she deserves for not listening to her brother? Asked Aranon, and I could hear the pain in his voice, the utter sadness. No! I cried. Shes just a little girl! She just trusted the wrong people! She just wanted to go on an adventure! She just wanted to see something magical! She didnt deserve to be treated like that! Tell her that! He again used his commanding voice, the one outside the involvement he experienced. Tell her she doesnt deserve this. Tell her this is not her fault! I looked at that dirty, tear stained face and I felt helpless to stop the terror, the pain. Finally I found my voice and I sobbed to
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her; You dont deserve this. Its not your fault! You made a mistake! Its not your fault. You dont deserve to be hurt like this! Im so sorry this happened! I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could make it go away! Thats my girl, said Aranon, gently, soothingly, as the pictures began to fade, and the pain began to diminish. Thats what you needed to hear. Now take her, dirty and bloody, screaming and terrified, into your arms and hold her. I took the battered and dirty child into my arms and held her, crying with her, kissing away her tears, rocking her. The boys were gone and she and I were alone in that dirty garage, dust motes swirling in the weak shafts of sunlight slanting through the dirty windows and the chinks between the two-by-fours that made up its walls. I love you, I said. Its not your fault. The pain subsided even more. The fear subsided. And then finally, the guilt and the shame subsided. Now, said Aranon, I want the two of you to go to your mother and tell her that this was not your fault, and that you didnt deserve the way that she treated you, or the way the doctor treated you. I took Lynns hand and helped her to dress in her tattered clothes and we went to the store that my parents owned, where
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my mother worked while my father built another business in the graphic arts trade. We came in the back door where the office was and where my mother sat when there were no customers. We went right up to her and I stood facing her, holding Lynns hand, her face dirty with mud from dust and tears, her eyes filled with terror and shame. This is what your daughter looked like after those boys finished with her. You didnt see this because she went home instead of coming to you, because she was afraid of your anger. This is your little girl! She has been raped! She has been terrorized by boys who had no thought for her feelings or for how they might injure her. She is so scared of you that she refuses to tell you what happened, but Im not! I want you to know that no child deserves this! All she is guilty of is making a mistake, trusting the wrong people and wishing for magic in her life. She is not an evil child! She needed you to comfort her, to protect her from further pain, but you didnt do that! You treated her like garbage! You allowed that doctor to compound her trauma and you made her feel that she deserved what she got because wanted it, because she didnt listen to her brother! That was cruel! It was abandonment! You left her with this pain, invalidating it, compounding it by telling her she deserved it, that she asked for it! You have no idea what that did to her! You
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cant know because you didnt see her after the event! She was just a little girl, just an eight-year-old child, ignorant of lifes treachery, ignorant of how beastly teenage boys can be! You taught her to trust, and then you punished her for it! What you did was wrong. How you treated her, blaming her for what happened, telling her she deserved it was wrong. I hated you for that. I hated you for a long time because of that. What you did utterly destroyed me. I didnt deserve that, no matter what you thought at the time! Look at her! Look at the dirt and the tears on her face. Look at the blood seeping from her secret place! Look in her eyes and tell her that you think she deserved what she got! Look at her Mother! Look at your terrified and violated little girl and tell her she deserved what she got! I felt myself sobbing again, but this time it was as if puss was seeping from an old wound that had refused to heal. I clung to Lynn, hugging her, caressing her, rocking her in my arms, and I sobbed for her pain, and I sobbed for her future, filled with uncertainty and fear. I knew that the vital and alive Lynn that I had experienced the other day as she walked the dog was dieing, and was soon going to wrap herself in darkness, and lock herself in a closet of her own making because she could not face the uncertainties of life without love, without forgiveness, without the nurturing that she so desperately needed. I knew that she, in the
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end, gave up on life, on love and on the validation of her innocence. Childhood lost. Christy, talk to me. My mother never knew the real truth about what happened, I said, sadly. I had gone home and bathed. I was terrified by the thought of facing her because I hadnt listened to my brother. Go to your mother and tell her you forgive her. Why? I asked, confused by his request. Because she was acting out of her own fear, her own pain. How can I forgive her for that? I dont care what was going on with her. Why should I forgive her? Because she was scared, because she was terrified by the thought that because she was unable to be available, because she had to work to help support you and your family, she had to leave you alone so much. Forgive her, because she worried every day that you were vulnerable; because she worried every day that she wasnt a proper mother because she had to work. Imagine yourself in her place. Imagine her pain at just knowing that her perfect little girl had been violated because she had to work. Maybe, at some point in her own life she had faced the same experience. Maybe, at that time her mother had faulted her and refused to validate her pain. Maybe she was only acting out of what she knew, what she had been taught by her own terrifying
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childhood experiences. Do you know for sure? I asked, suddenly feeling sorry for her. No, but statistics point to the possibility that this could be the case. Sexual abuse ran rampant in your American society for several centuries before and after your birth, generally unreported, and rarely talked about. It is ultimately possible that she was acting out of her own shame from a past abuse. Her code of ethics, molded by her own childhood and maybe even her religious upbringing dictated her responses, her unwillingness to see you as a victim. She was a captive of her experiences, of her past, of her own sense of shame. What happened to you surely changed her, depleted her. She was probably devastated by what happened to you, but her own past experiences, her own past traumas wouldnt allow her to articulate that fact. Believe me, Christy, no matter what she said or how she acted at the time, she was forever changed by that event. How can you know for sure? My feelings for her were in limbo as I tried to understand how her response to my terrifying experience could have been so cold, so accusatory. I know her through your genetics, through you sharing your reality from that time, through the history of that time that I have learned from others as well as from personally studying that time.
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She never told me. She never let on that shed had a similar experience. How could she do so without showing you her own mistakes, her own misguided choices? In order to keep herself from being overcome by her own fear, her own self-doubt, she probably struggled to appear faultless. She had to find fault with you in order to be a good mother, as she perceived being a good mother to be. But I was so hurt, so scared. She didnt know that though. She didnt know the extent of your abuse. She didnt know how those boys terrorized you. She didnt see you just after the event. You went home and bathed; you changed clothes, afraid of your mothers wrath. When you finally told her, you probably didnt give the details, because remembering the event was too terrifying. Did you tell her of other similar events you had experienced? He asked. Yes, I said, as the tears continued to stream from my eyes and into the bedding. Because she was being so calm and I felt I could trust her. She may have imagined that you went back for more because you wanted it, because you craved it. When she took you to the doctor, she may have seen you as already lost to Gods grace and forgiveness. She may have seen you through
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the eyes of one who had been indoctrinated in religious idealism, as so many were in that time. She was most probably overwhelmed with the fear that she had failed as a mother. How can I know that? I asked, feeling drained and bereft of hope. You cant know for certain, unless of course you ask her. I can say with some certainty that she was undone by your sexual encounters, and felt in her heart that you had chosen those experiences. She may have also felt guilty herself, because of your choices, in that they proved that she had failed you as a mother. I didnt choose to be sexually molested! I shouted, from under my covers. I know that. You know that. Its the truth. Validate it, believe it, and embrace it. You are blameless. You are sinless. You were not at fault for the many sexual violations that youve experienced in your life. It is common for an individual who has been sexually abused in early childhood to be repeatedly abused in sequential events, throughout childhood and even into adulthood, as the result of provocative behaviors over which there appears to be little control and about which the individual appears to be totally unaware. You are not evil. You are not bad. You were the victim of
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circumstances beyond your control. You were only seeking acceptance, you were only looking for love in the only way you thought you deserved it. You accepted early in your life that you were tainted, that you were bad. How else could a bad girl acquire what she so desperately craved? Im not BAD! I shouted, from beneath my covers. That is true. You are not! Stated Aranon, emphatically. You are NOT bad! You have been frightened, hurt and abandoned. You have been left to the only resources available to you. You sought love, acceptance and validation in the only way you knew how. The only way left open to you by the beliefs and the invalidations that your life presented to you. Release the guilt. Release the blame. Know that you are not your choices. Know that you are forgiven for those choices, because you didnt understand what you were doing and why. Know that the Source of All Life loves you, regardless of your ill informed choices. Know that the Source of All Life loves you because you have experienced much and can be a beacon of light for those like you who falter on the path of reconciliation. Know that your healing is the door to healing for countless others. Transmute your pain and fear into the desire to assist others in their struggles toward understanding and forgiveness. Take this undeserved label of sinfulness and translate it into hope for those
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who are still trapped within this prison of arbitrary fault finding due to a religious distortion of lifes circumstances. Be a light in that darkness you do not live in all by yourself. In order to do this, you must practice forgiveness and understanding. You must be willing to understand and forgive even though you didnt experience that when you needed it the most. Forgive you mother for she too was the captive of her own dark experiences and the fear and the emotional disfigurement that comes with that. I want to. I said. I give you my permission, replied Aranon. I want to, I whispered. I support you, stated Aranon, succinctly. Ill try, I vowed. I will help you, said Aranon. A meal was delivered to us, and as we sat eating the exotic fruits and vegetables, none of which looked familiar to me, when Remmie arrived to help us plan our itinerary for the day. The Sensarians would like you to attend a meeting of the High Council, she said, looking at me and noticing my red,
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swollen eyes. If you are feeling up to it, she added. Is there some reason why they want me to attend? I asked, with a little reticence. To present you with honorary citizenship, she replied, matter of factly. Well be there, said Aranon, giving me a sideways wink. An honor like that doesnt come along every day. I was feeling less than worthy, considering the way that I looked at the Siminian children on the road. I thought back to what I had read about the Siminians and wondered if they felt my thoughts, and were injured by them. Remmie, I asked, feeling my heart starting to pound, Can you feel my thoughts, or my emotions? I can, she said, and her eyes filled with tears. If I could take away your pain, I would do it. No one deserves to feel so vulnerable, so alone. I am hoping that while you are here, you will come to terms with these feelings, and will discover the shining light within you. You are the first one that I can say this of, but you have taught me that my greatest depths of despair are now my greatest sources of gratitude, and you have taught me that I have yet to truly taste true love, or experience real joy. In others words, as the result of my capacity to sense your thoughts and feelings, I have experienced a widening of my consciousness. I hope to
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adequately express my gratitude before you must depart. I just sat there looking at her. I know that she experienced the shock I felt at what she had just told me. I couldnt see how I was able to have a beneficial effect on the Siminians. With all of these painful memories lurking just below my consciousness and my tendency to become frightened and confused, it just seemed that I would be making these people terribly uncomfortable. She smiled at me, and then gave a little laugh. We recognize thoughts and feelings as being either Whole Self, my self, other self or not self. The not self we tend to investigate, to study, as this investigation and study generally promotes growth. You have provided a unique opportunity for us to grow, so dont be surprised if many individuals follow you around today. The word has gone out that you are a challenge, and we get so few of those, that you will most certainly draw a crowd. Are they going to try and tear my clothes off or put their hands on me? I asked feeling a bit apprehensive with this new bit of information. She once again she laughed, lightheartedly. No, Christy, these are students, and they will deport themselves with the greatest decorum. But they will be close enough for you to see, and I just wanted to ease your mind by letting you know that they have come to experience you, not to consume you.
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Okay, I said still not feeling at ease with it. Now, after the High Councils presentation, you are invited to participate in a Think-See in the Siminian Cultural Park. For that we will be going to ground level. Boy, I said, Thats gonna mean a lot of steps! No, actually, we will be transported. How? The Sensarians will be teleporting us, and all who wish to attend. Wow! That will be a new experience! I like to experience new things too, you know. I grinned at her. So, what exactly is a Think-See? I asked. It is a process of weaving an educational story through the use of song and communal connection between the Sensarian, Siminian and the Meathos, she explained. Christy is quite a songstress, interjected Aranon, smiling at me. Maybe you would like to give her an opportunity to share her gift. You wont be sorry, I promise. Aranon, this is their ceremony! I said feeling embarrassed. No, said Remmie, I think Aranon makes a valid point. How better for us to experience you, but through your music! I think thats a wonderful idea! Aranon, I dont have my guitar and I have never sung in
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front of a crowd, Id be terrified. There wont be any problem getting your guitar, and everyone will love you. If you like I will sit beside you so that you dont feel alone while you sing. He seemed to be adamant about this. Once he decided I was going to sing, I knew there was no getting out of it. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt dizzy. He reached over and placed his hand on my arm. This will be healing for you, Christy, trust me. I know the idea is pretty scary right now, but after you have participated in the communal connection, listening to other gifted singers, you may feel more willing to share. If not, no one will press you into anything you really dont want to do. Meaning: Im asking you to do this and hope that you will comply. I shrugged, and then let it drop. Who knows, maybe I would sing for the Think-See. I decided to get cleaned up and put on the special clothes I was given when we first arrived on Archana. I felt it was only fitting, since I was going to be presented with an honorary citizenship. I made only one personal concession, to wear my own underwear. The trip to the High Council meeting required that we again travel the road high in the branches of the Archanian treetops. I noticed that the Siminians did not surround us as they had on the
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trip to our apartment. As I looked around, I discovered that numbers of the Siminians lined the sides of the roads, and a substantial number followed us at a discrete distance, but for the most part we were given a great deal of space. At one point a Siminian toddler wandered up to us, his little thumb in his mouth. I didnt seem to be as disturbed by his nakedness as I had been in the previous experience. I stopped and knelt down and touched the child, his smooth skin soft and silky with a fine, almost invisible dusting of fur. He reached out for me to pick him up, and I looked at Remmie, wondering if it was the wrong thing to do. I think he would like you to hold him, said Remmie, smiling. I put my arms around him and immediately he threw his little arms around my neck, and at that point I felt I had little choice, as he didnt seem inclined to let go. I placed one arm under his little bottom and lifted him. He laid his head on my shoulder and placed his thumb back in his mouth. He seemed quite relaxed in my arms. Do you know where his mother is? I asked, not wanting to be accused of kidnapping. You can be sure that she is close, she replied, smiling, obviously unconcerned. Dont you think we should locate her? I was still feeling as though I was treading a fine line of propriety by continuing to carry
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the child, who seemed to be very happy to stay where he was. It would be impossible for his mother to loose her child, as they are inexorably linked psychically. Remmie explained. Unless you feel extremely uncomfortable holding him, I would suggest that we continue on. When the time comes for him to be returned to his mother, she will be immediately available. You are doing both he and his mother a great honor by allowing your energies to mingle. I looked to Aranon, who was hanging onto Piddles leash. He smiled and shrugged. Is he too heavy? He asked. No, I just dont want to do anything inappropriate. Actually, a maternal instinct had awaked in me and I felt a sense of joy welling up in me as the result of his sweet tiny body cuddled up against me. I had dreamed of being a mother one day, and had always adored small children. I was actually feeling honored by this opportunity to nurture this trusting child. We continued our trek to the High Council chambers, having to climb a seemingly endless flight of steps up to another level. I thought it would be a difficult climb with a baby in my arms, but he was so at ease there that he had fallen asleep, so I was reluctant to give him up. Strangely, he seemed to grow lighter, and the climb seemed even easier than the climb down had the previous day.
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When we reached the top of the stairs, I recognized where we were. The spaceport sprawled to our right, as we turned into the building where I had been tested the evening before. This time, instead of going into the bathrooms, Remmie led us in another direction, up another flight of stairs inside the Council Center and finally into a huge hall filled with Siminians and Sensarians. There were even a few angels, the form that the Meathos seemed to enjoy taking when they werent in their amorphous state. Remmie led me up the center isle, and up some stairs leading onto a raised area like a stage. She showed me to a seat, behind a podium-like structure, where I sat, still holding the sleeping child. I wondered why the mother had yet to claim her baby. As I sat there, I shifted the child into my lap, laying his head in the crook of my arm. He hardly stirred. I kept looking down at him, feeling his gentle warmth and seeing nothing but innocence in his sleeping, cherubic face. Suddenly the room grew quite and a Sensarian walked across the stage and stood before the podium. He spoke very softly, but I heard every word. I cant tell you exactly what he said, because it was in a language I didnt understand and yet, at the time, I understood what he was saying. He was telling those assembled in the room that this was a
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very special day. Only a few individuals from other worlds had been given full citizenship on Archana, and then only after certain tests were given and passed by the supplicants. Many individuals had come before them, but only a few have had the spiritual insight and poise to recognize that all of life is a spiritual quest, and that the highest good is found in selflessness and love. Therefore it was with greatest pleasure to welcome one such individual, who was swiftly capturing the hearts and the vision of Archana. To tell the truth, I wasnt at all sure they meant me. I certainly wasnt all that worthy. He then turned to me, and motioned me to join him beside the podium. I was feeling embarrassed, and hot all over, realizing that he had been talking about me. Still, I didnt feel I had earned this honor. I could not see how I could be considered selfless. Finally, Remmie came to me and helped me up from my seat and led me to the Sensarian being standing center stage. She left me there, beside him, in his flowing gown and his shining countenance, while I held a sleeping Siminian child in my arms. All who desire This One, this Child of Pain, this Child of Light, this Child of God to be accepted as a True Archanian signify by standing and giving the greeting reserved for the lost and then found. It seemed to me that everyone in the room stood, and
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chanted words that translated themselves in my mind as Welcome Home, oh lost one, for now you are found and we rejoice in this reunion! Tears began to stream from my eyes, and for the first time in my life I felt truly accepted. The great being placed a medallion, strung upon a silver chord, around my neck and then kissed me on the forehead. At this point the child awoke and looked up at me, his large golden eyes meeting mine, as his little hand clasped the medallion and he smiled. I laughed and cried at the sweetness in his little face. I kissed him and this brought a round of cheering. Remmie returned to my side and then led me down the steps and through the throng of people, as they cheered and chanted, Welcome home! As we made our way to the door, a Siminian asked permission to approach me. Thank you for blessing my beloved child, she said, in words that didnt match what I had heard. Will you do me the honor of bestowing a spiritual name on him? I looked at Remmie, and searched the crowd for Aranon, but he was not in sight. What should I do? I asked Remmie, feeling lost and helpless. It would be greatly appreciated if you would give the child a spiritual name, she replied, placing her hand on my shoulder and
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smiling. Golly, I had no idea what a spiritual name might be. I thought of the twelve disciples of Jesus, but none of the names seemed appropriate. Then I thought about biblical names, but none of those seemed to have the correct ring of spirituality to them, at least not for this little guy. And then I thought about how the child had affected me. How I had bonded with him on a deep level, freeing myself from the fear of his nakedness as I finally connected with the innocence in his sweet face. Finally I decided on a name. There could be no other spiritual name for this child, who had shown me unconditional love and acceptance, as he walked right up to me on the road, undaunted by my emotions, wanting me to pick him up, in spite of all of the intense feelings his naked body invoked in me. Tell her his name is Courage, I said, kissing the child and handing him to his mother. Remmie spoke to the woman, and her face lit up and tears flowed from her eyes. She hugged and kissed her child, like any mother, anywhere, and then bowed to me. I bowed back and she smiled through another round of tears. Then, she was gone, disappearing into the throng, with the special little boy-child that I had held for a time, and had come to love. My arms felt empty, and yet my heart felt full of love and a sense of belonging I had
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never felt before. Now we will go to the Think-See Gathering. Follow me. Remmie smiled and her eyes sparkled with excitement and joy as she took my arm and we moved through the crowd to a platform at the back of the great hall. Siminians were lining up, waiting their turn, as those on the platform glowed brightly and then disappeared. Remmie pushed us to the front of the line, but I pulled away. We should wait our turn, like everyone else, I said, turning and going to the end of the line. Of course, replied Remmie, smiling to herself, I should have known you would prefer that. Its not what I prefer, its what is fair. I said, as we took our place at the end of the line that extended well into the middle great hall. You did a wonderful thing for that mother, she said as we stood in line. Im not sure I understand, I said. You not only gave her child your energy, and your love, but you gave him a name to seal what he had acquired from you within his soul. That was a truly selfless act. I just held the little guy, I stated. He was charming and warm, and he made me feel special, coming to me like that and
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then allowing me to hold him while he slept. That was special. Especially since I know that he could feel my fear and the dark memories churning in my mind. He had no fear, he trusted me, in spite of the feelings he brought up in me. He was brave, and he was comforting. He made me feel accepted, long before the ceremony began. I hope I will get to see him again. I would like to hold him one more time before I go. I hope so too. That would be wonderful! I said. Maybe someday I will come back here to Archana, and I will see him, older, wiser, and I can tell him of our adventure together. Indeed you will Well, maybe. No doubt in my mind that you will. She spoke with a knowingness that I had to ponder. Maybe I would be back. After all, I was a citizen now. I was accepted here. I had become part of a race that was alien to my birth, and yet I felt at home here. Some place, deep inside of me, I felt connected with these people, with these wonderful, magical beings. We had reached the platform and Remmie joined me in the golden square, inlaid in the wood. I felt a tingling and a flurry of energy swirled around us and then we were standing on real dirt, on the forest floor.
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There were hundreds, maybe thousands of Siminians finding places to seat themselves on wooden benches that fanned out in a semicircle around a cliff wall in which was carved a grotto with amazing acoustics. Aranon met us as we stepped from the teleportation platform, holding Piddles in one arm and my guitar in the other. What took you so long? He asked, and then he and Remmie traded what looked like a telepathic communication, and he grinned at me. That was a wonderful name to give to the child.
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It was all I could think of, I said feeling embarrassed for the umpteenth time today. Oh well, I had been right about the telepathic communication. I need Lynn to come forward and walk the dog before the ceremony begins, he said. Then he looked straight into my eyes and he smiled at me again. Im proud of the work that you are doing. I am even prouder of the work that you and Lynn are doing together. Whether you decide to sing tonight or not, Ill still be proud of you. I was totally taken off guard by that, but then I had been taken off guard several times today. I was on unfamiliar ground. It felt wonderful to not only be accepted, but to be loved as well. This was the real deal, not an imitation or a game being played to manipulate. Up until this point, I thought that love was a myth we tell each other in the hope that this time it would be real. But now it was happening and I felt it, like a gentle rain that was nurturing my soul and cleansing away all the darkness. This was a healing love, a love that could not be bartered or contrived. Im ready, I stated, awaiting Aranons call for Lynn. Lynn, he called. Come here, Lynn. I didnt feel myself slide backwards, like viewing life through a television screen instead of your own eyes. I did see Lynn look up at him and gave him an impish grin, as though I was standing
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beside myself. Ah, there you are! Aranon said, grinning back at her we are going to take Piddles for a really quick walk, right over here behind us. Ill go with you. He handed her the leash and handed Remmie my guitar as well as another communication. Come with me, said Remmie, I will show you to your seat. Right next to Aranon, I said. He promised. Of course, she replied laughing, everything is arranged. Okay, I said, following her down the path between the benches. Suddenly, I began to realize that I was not going with Lynn and my body, but rather was following Remmie down the path! How was I doing this? Obviously Remmie could see me. Am I talking telepathically with her? Is she listening to my thoughts right now? Why am I not hearing Lynns thoughts? Remmie, I said, and it felt like I was talking, but how could I be without a body? I stopped still and looked down at myself and recognized that I did have a body! Was it an illusion? I turned and watched Aranon and Lynn walking toward the lower shrubs beneath the giant trees. She was an eight-year-old, dressed just as I had seen her when we walked the dog on that amazing planet, just before we came to Archana. She was skipping beside Aranon, holding the dog leash, Piddles tugging at its end. Its all right, Christy, it is the gift of the communion.
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Obviously, she could hear my thoughts. This is part of the ThinkSee. When we are gathered together like this, we have the capacity to instruct the lower elementals. What happens during these events is quite real, and although some of it is transient, some remains. You mean that because of this communion thing Lynn and I can have separate bodies? Real bodies? I was not certain whether to be terrified or elated. Yes, she said, giggling again, isnt it wonderful? I d-dont, dont know, I replied stuttering. I was just getting used to her being in here with me. I think I need her in here with me. Dont worry, if that is the case, it will be transient, it wont last. But just for tonight, you can see her as she is, and she can see you as you are, and you can both enjoy the Think-See from your own vantage points. When it is over, and you return to your quarters, you will be as you were, if that is your desire. But what if she doesnt desire to be one with me again? I mean she has spent the last fifteen years in a closet for gosh sakes! In her mind shes in heaven. What if she wants to stay? Trust the flow. Aranon is a master facilitator. He knows how to help you help yourselves. He has only your best interests at heart. With that she turned and started down the isle again.
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I followed her past ranks and ranks of benches, and then up into the grotto, which was more like a giant stage. She came to the four seats that had been assigned to us. Four seats, of course! Lynn would be joining us. I will need this seat, I said, indicating the one that was on the outside. I have to have room to play my guitar. This will be such a treat! Said Remmie, her eyes dancing above a wistful smile. I have never had the pleasure of hearing this instrument played. Her face had smooth skin, so much like a human face. She had bows of every color tied all over her fur instead of the robe she wore when I first met her. I could see the nipples of her breasts protruding from her fur. I momentarily felt embarrassed, and then remembered what Aranon had said about their cultural development being totally different from mine. Remmie, I asked, struggling with my feelings, do you have crime in your society? There will always be those who, for whatever reason, turn away form the Source Of All Being and seek to pleasure themselves at the expense of others. We recognize this as an illness and deal with it accordingly. Are there those who take sexual advantage of others? I am aware of a couple of cases, she replied, her smile fading. It is difficult to physically harm another when you
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experience their pain as though it were your own. There has to be major psychophysical damage for such a thing to occur. Nevertheless, even enlightened, psychically communal societies encounter distortions in consciousness, due to the inappropriate choices of individuals, or accidents that damage the physical vehicle in such a way as to cause a rift between the physical and the psychic. It is rare, but it does happen, yes. Are you ever afraid that it will happen to you? I asked, seeing the pain in her face. It has happened to me, she said matter-of-factly. Thats why I was assigned as your guide and companion while you are here. I can relate to your fears, because I, at one time, experienced them as well. This was a shocking revelation. I was in awe of her poise and her capacity to interact with me at all, in view of this knowledge, in view of her natural psychic gifts. How was she able to deal with it? Im sorry, Remmie, I didnt know. I felt like crying. I found it hard to believe that anyone could have harmed this vibrant, intelligent woman, who was so full of humor and delight. It was a long time ago, she said, as sadness swept across her face. It happened while I visited an alien planet with my parents. My father was an off-world diplomat. I was only a child
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when it happened. The individual who molested me was not able to connect with my consciousness, and so was unaffected by my pain. It took me a while in the care of our mutual friend, Aranon, before I was able to move beyond the event. He specializes in this, you know. Then she smiled, and reached out gently, to wipe a tear from my cheek. If I can get through it, you can. I sat down on my seat, a rock stool, carved out of the grotto. My heart was filled with compassion for Remmie, a child from an enlightened society, who found herself in the basest of all experiences. I hope one day you can tell me about it, I said. And that I can tell you of my experiences. Thank you for the hope. I needed that. And with that my eyes filled with tears, and I felt a deep sadness rush through me, like a cold wind. Suddenly, Aranon was there with Lynn, whos face beamed with joy. Piddles jumped up into my lap and began licking the tears from my face as Lynn shrieked with laughter. I smiled at her. Christy, this is Lynn, Lynn, this is Christy. Aranon introduced us as he reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. Tonight is a very special night, where for just a little while, you can talk like everyone else, and get to know each other in a way not possible at any other time. Just remember, just as Cinderella had to get back to her coach before the clock struck midnight, you will have to go back to sharing the same body once
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we enter the teleportation field. Okay? He gave Lynn a searching look. Lynn nodded enthusiastically, and then grinned at me. Youre pretty, she said, her eyes filled with awe. You are beautiful! I said, as tears once again slipped from my eyes. I handed Piddles to Remmie and took Lynn into my arms, hugging her close to me. I could feel the beat of her heart against my chest, her warm breath on my neck, and smell the freshness of her skin. Her hair felt like silk on my cheek, and her warm, reciprocal hug was enough to make my heart melt. Then she started to cry, and I was undone. Its all right, I said, rocking her. Feeling her substance, her unique personal energy was both exhilarating and heart breaking. I love you, Little One. I will always love you. You are a very special part of me, and I thank God for you. I will never leave you, and will never hurt you. You are my past, and I suspect you are my future too. She brushed her tears aside, and looked up at me, with her trusting face and her open heart and asked, Will you be my mommy? Yes, I replied, my heart bursting with love for her. I will be your mommy forever! Suddenly a quiet descended over the huge crowd and we all looked up as a Siminian adult strode to the center of the stage
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and said a prayer. I couldnt understand the language, but that was a small thing here, as pictures formed in my mind of happy Siminians laying their treasures of gratitude at the feet of a shining being with no form, and yet radiating light and love upon all who approached. Through this prayer I was taken to a garden, filled with delights, and with other individuals of many races who, with open arms accepted one another, unconditionally. Then a rainbow of light and color exploded over the assembled crowd, and everyone began cheering. Finally, the individual who delivered the prayer introduced a Siminian who walked out to the center of the stage and sat on a rock stool and began to sing. At first I was startled by the clarity of the voice. I could not see if the individual was male or female. Nevertheless, the voice was crystal clear, maybe tenor, maybe alto. As the Siminian sang, pictures formed in my mind of the closeness of family, the delight of children, and dreams of love and a union beyond my understanding. To be sure, this song had incredibly tactile sexual overtones, which titillated the senses and aroused feelings in me that I had never felt. The scenes built and built upon the senses, taking me through experiences I had never had, of sexual connectedness, of sexual pleasures I had never experienced before and yet was experiencing now. I wondered
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how this was affecting Lynn. I looked at her and she was just sitting quietly, smiling and petting Piddles. The individual then sang of a depth of love and caring that unfolded like a fairy tale and culminated in the birth of a child, whos tiny face looked up at me and smiled sweetly and then suckled upon my breast. The sensations I felt and the pictures that I saw defy description, and yet touched me in a way that I have never been touched, and allowed me to feel things that I had never felt, and yet it all felt right, good, and even holy. When the song was finished I was in tears, filled with a sense of completion that I had never experienced in my life, and yet it felt normal, appropriate and godly. As the singer exited the stage, I was crying, gasping for air, wishing it could have continued, wishing that it had never ended. Again, cheers rose from the crowd and I was abruptly brought back to the moment. Remmie leaned over Aranons legs and asked me if I was willing to sing. I sat there feeling inadequate, like a child at a grownups meeting. She motioned that I needed to let her know, now! I nodded, not really in touch with what I was doing. She rose and went to the center of the stage and introduced me to the cheers of the crowd, not even knowing if I could sing! I turned to Aranon, looking for some sort of sign. He smiled and nodded, and I pulled my guitar from its case and began to strum, feeling
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disconnected from my being, yet feeling a song welling up inside me. Finally, I let it out. I know I cannot change the past, the anger, fear and sorrow But I know that I can change today, and build a new tomorrow Still, if I dwell upon the past, Ill remain within its spell And if I dwell upon my pain, I never can be well I cannot change what others do, I can only let them be I cannot put an end to hate until its gone in me But I can bring joy into life, by what I do and say And I can carry peace and love, within my heart each day I was aware of the fact that I was building pictures in my mind of what I had experienced in my most recent memory, but I was unaware that I was broadcasting those pictures to all who were listening. I heard gasps, and moans from the crowd, and then sighs of release as I pictured the love and the peace I felt when I hugged my inner child, as I told Lynn that I would never leave her, that I loved her.
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I cannot put an end to pain by saying its not there I cannot put an end to fear, by saying I dont care But I can focus on the truth that I know within my mind And as I heal myself with this, Ill be healing all Mankind. As I sang this stanza I pictured my pain, and the desperation that it entailed, and sobs erupted from the crowd. I Pictured my fear, in the face of those boys who hurt me, who used me, laughing, exhilarated by their conquest of my small naked body, and the fear that I felt at seeing the sweet Siminian children in their nakedness, and the crowd gasped, and cried out. Then, as I pictured the next two lines, I pictured Lynn, the smiling happy child, the child of wonder and healing. Then, I pictured all of the people of Earth, deep within, registering my healing, my hope, and deciding to take the next step toward their own healing. The crowed went ah as one. I know that I can change my life, and love and peace can find For I have found the secret now, I must simply change my mind
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Its all become quite clear to me, in all that Ive been through That what I think must surely be, most certainly comes true. In this stanza I pictured my life changing, as the result of my interactions with Aranon on Anchor, on Archana with the Siminians, the Sensarians, and the Meathos. I pictured the shifts in my thinking as the result of these interactions, recognizing that what I had believed in the past had colored my perceptions of life, and had actually generated the experiences that I was fearful of. Another deep sigh escaped from the crowd. And so I must release the past, and then focus in the now And though it may be difficult, I know that I know how To utilize this power in me, this power within my mind To recognize the Truth in me, and in it freedom find. I saw myself letting go of what had happened and then finding myself in Aranons loving care, seeing what could be, seeing the past as a process of becoming willing for change. Then I saw myself looking into Lynns eyes and seeing the hope
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and the love that had eluded me all of my life and seeing that as the power to push me forward toward my goal of healing, not only for myself, but for all Humanity, the people of my planet. Then I sealed the song with a reiteration of my final goal. I recognize this power in me, this power within my mind To utilize the truth in me, and in it freedom find! I recounted, in my mind, the special event of being able to hold that child, The child from within me, made flesh by this ceremony, that child who had been abused and injured, and then expressed the feelings that I had felt when I promised her that I would be her mother, and that I would love her always. The crowed again cried out and then sobbed, as one, feeling my joy, feeling the promise of the future, knowing that I had reconciled my past and set my face toward a future filled with opportunity and joy. As I became silent, the crowd became silent, maybe thinking through this unusual and alien experience. Then, they all stood up, cheering wildly and demanding another song! I knew what they were crying out for, but felt lost, and confused and unable to think. Aranon placed his hand on my shoulder, and said softly into my ear, Whatever you decide is okay. You can open yourself to another song, which you know will
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come if you open to it, or you can stand and bow and sit right back down. They will accept whatever you choose. I sat there for a moment, feeling overwhelmed. I could feel the love and the support from the crowd of Siminians, and I could feel the love and support of Aranon. For a few moments I was undecided. Then, words began to form in my mind and I was under their spell. I had no choice I had to share them. I looked at Aranon, and smiled, and then began to play a chord sequence. Suddenly, I burst forth in song, and surprised even me! Love is the force that binds all things together Only through love things appear as they are Love is the force that binds now with forever Weather youre a person or a bright shining star Only love, love makes things real Only love has the power to heal And only through love are we truly alive Only love, only love will survive And Love is a magnet that draws things together Love is the force that has drawn you to me And its binding our brilliance as a beacon to others
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Who long for its light and in love to be free Only love, love makes things real Only love has the power to heal And only through love are we truly alive Only love, only love will survive Love is the force that can heal all divisions And bring Mankind together as one race on Earth But until we can know love, well never quite show love Nor understand life and its meaning and worth Only love, love makes things real Only love has the power to heal And only through love are we truly alive Only love, only love will survive
When I had finished the song, which was as new to me as it was to the audience, I felt rejuvenated in my resolve to see my time with Aranon through to its conclusion, regardless of what that entailed in the way of pain and fear. I was ready for change; I was ready to see things in a new light, with a new perspective. I was ready for healing; I was ready for love to enter my life, no
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mater what the cost. For a moment all was silent, and then a cheer arose from the multitude that stirred my heart to a new resolve. The crowd arose and stood, waving their arms and cheering loudly. I stood, bowed as best I could while I cried, sobbing with the power of their acceptance of me, with the love that I felt from them. I bowed again and then Remmie stood, said a few words and then we reseated ourselves with my new family of Lynn, my beloved child from within, Piddles, Aranon, Remmie, and all of Archana. The crowed continued to yell and cheer, and finally another performer walked onto the stage. All became quiet in advent of the new performers contribution. The hush that swept across the crowd was almost tactile. I innately knew we awaited a performer that was well known to the crowd, and a setter of trends in thought and living. For a moment he turned to me, and I knew he was male. His gaze communicated volumes, some of which I was able to access then, and some I would not be able to understand until later. Then, he smiled, almost like a candidate getting ready to concede to a lost race. He stood for a moment, in silence, collecting his thoughts, and then began his song, deeply baritone and filled with feeling. He sang of a lost love, and of a woman who had succumbed to a
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personal dissolution at the peek of her productivity. He spoke of his love for her and of his admiration of her resolve, in the face of her disability. He spoke of his resolve to remain with her, in spite of what others said, in spite of what the knowers had prognosticated. He spoke of how his love had enveloped her, protected her from the materializations that the knowers believed they saw, and how, through his love, he led her to an understanding that changed her, that healed her, and that allowed their love to triumph over all prognostications, all expectations, and into a communion that surpassed description. He then sang of the day she told him that she was with child, and the joy that they shared preparing for that childs birth. Then he sang of her physical dissolution, her departure from the physical as the result of complications during her pregnancy. Yet his love had progressed beyond that dissolution, and had allowed him to remain connected to her, as he slipped from the tenuous bonds of the physical and joined her in the spirit. Then he sang of their reincarnation into strong and beautiful bodies, surpassing all of their dreams, although they still had to find one another. Then finally he sang of his reunification with her, her consciousness more enlightened, her love for him strengthened by his desire to find her, to redeem her as his one true love. In the end, they both were reunited, and strengthened by one anothers love, and she
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bore a special child, to whom a divine being, in a moment of compassion, gave the spiritual name, Courage. I was shocked by this and felt feint. I know that the name Courage was the name I had given to the little child I had held. Still, I could never have imagined that the child I had held, that I had arbitrarily named, was the one of whom this singer sang. Yet I knew it were true, and my heart swelled with joy. I had not just touched a life; I had validated the quest of this particular couple that had both refused to give up on true love. Suddenly, I was aware of a circle becoming complete, a circle I had played a part in. I felt that my life had finally made a difference. I felt that I had finally done something that would make a difference in other lives, in the lives of this fabulous male singer and his family that he felt the need to immortalize in song. I was filled with great joy and great humility. The crowd roared with cheers, after a few moments to process the events they had experienced, but the singer pointed to me, and motioned for me to join him. I looked at Aranon, and he smiled and motioned for me to join the singer at center stage. I reluctantly got up, and joined him, bowing to the cheering crowd with him, feeling both overwhelmed and grateful for this amazing experience. Finally, Remmie came and led me back to my seat beside
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Aranon, and Lynn who was beaming with pride. I put my guitar back in its case, as the crowd continued to cheer. And the male singer bowed once more and then came to me and embraced me. Thank you for what you did for my son, he said. You are truly a great being. I wish for you release, and healing, for this is what you gave to me and my family. Thank you, I said, feeling entirely unworthy. I bowed to him, and he smiled and bowed back. Then, Aranon took me in his arms and held me close. I am so proud of you, he said, softly, for only me to hear. What youve done here is beyond any imaginings I held, beyond anything I had hoped for you. You have brought a new vitality to this society, and a new hope for your own healing. If there ever was any doubt that you are the High Masters child, there is no more. It is an honor to be the one who introduced you to this society, to your new family, who loves you beyond whatever you could conceive. Blessed be the life that weaves its healing magic, touching all who are willing persevere through the darkness, and yet keep their hope anchored in the light. I looked up at him, overwhelmed by his words, and yet not understanding that they were for me. I was grateful that I had been given the opportunity to play a part in this wondrous event. I was grateful that Aranon brought me here, to my new home, to
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my new family. As soon as I could I hugged Remmie, acknowledging her part in my acceptance and the opportunity to share myself with these wonderful people.
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Twenty-Three
As promised, when we were teleported from the amphitheater, only three of us arrived at the other end, which was back in our apartment. Im not sure how they did that, but I suppose if they could teleport us from the council chamber to the ground, they could probably teleport us to our quarters. Food was waiting for us when we arrived. We were being very well cared for. I took a piece of fruit and sat down on a pillow, still shaking with the adrenalin produced by my participation in the Think-See. I bit into the piece of fruit, and Lynn said, Ummmmm. I smiled to myself, feeling her there and realizing that she could now share tastes with me. Lynn is enjoying this fruit as much as I am, I said
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to whomever was listening. Wonderful! Said Aranon, coming out of my bedroom where he had put the guitar. It appears that you and she are almost fully co-conscious. I take it thats a good thing. Very good. You are in for an adventure, for you will get the chance to see the world through the eyes of a child. Of course, there are more of you in there, and your meetings may be painful, for when you meet you will also have to look at the incident that generated the split that created them. But, I promise you that for every horror you will have to face, you will also discover great joy. Aranon grabbed a piece of fruit and sat down on the large cushion beside me, his knees poking up like grasshopper legs. Thank you for bringing me here, I said. I have never felt so loved, so cared about by so many. I have decided to stay with you until we complete this. Aranon put his arm around me and pulled me into a gentle hug. I suppose he had to practice that, being so big and so strong. I am very glad to hear that, he said, and then kissed the top of my head. I was hoping you would find it in you to walk through this with me. You have a very great potential for assisting others on a level that they rarely get touched. As you release the
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past, the energy that has been tied up in it will return to you, and you will find abilities within you that you dont yet know about. I guess that part is already happening. I smiled up at him and I could feel that it was Lynns smile. Yes, he said chuckling at Lynns impish grin, I think you are right about that. Finally, I remembered that Remmie was still there, sitting quietly on the other large cushion. So, what is our itinerary for tomorrow? I asked her. That depends, she replied. What would you like to see? Do you have schools? I would love to see how your education system works. We dont have schools in the same way that your culture has schools. Our children are not instructed in classes, they are assigned a learning guide, and directed toward those things that are of interest to them. But how do they learn to read and write? I asked. How do they learn to do mathematics? Their learning guide directs them toward opportunities to learn those things. But how do they learn without instruction? Okay, she said, lets say a child is interested in the stars.
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The child is then directed to the tablets that describe them. If the child has not yet learned to read, his curiosity will direct him to ask the questions, which will provide an opportunity for the guide to share what he or she knows about language and the art of communication. Curiosity is a great incentive for discovery. So, what about socialization? I asked. There are endless opportunities for that. Children are included in all social functions and are encouraged to develop their own functions according to their interests. But kids tend to want to do only what is fun, and to avoid things that are boring and repetitious. How do you get them to learn anything that way? By encouraging them to have fun and by our learning guides finding ways through which to turn play into opportunities for discovery. I dont think that would work on my planet. On my planet, if you let kids do whatever they like, they form gangs and loot and pillage. I never said we allow our children to do whatever they like. There is no doubt about the fact that children need guidance and direction. Our children are never left without adult supervision, either by parents or by learning guides and nurses. Nevertheless,
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we respect our children and allow them as many opportunities for self-expression as possible. In return, they are respectful of adults and of one another; and because it is a basic component of a childs makeup to strive to please those who love them, we give them ample amounts of love as well. Well I am sure it works really good for your society. Golly, I wish I had grown up here, I am sure much of my life would have been very different. Probably better. So, I guess visiting schools is out because you dont have any. Would you like to go visit the Mother Pool, where the most ancient aspect of the Meathos resides? That would be interesting, I said, wondering if the Ancient Meathos would know me. Good, she said, nodding. I will pick you up first thing in the morning. She began to rise, as if to leave and Aranon sent her a telepathic communication. Her facial expression shifted and she sat back down. Aranon has suggested that we enter the Meathos together and share the experiences that we have in common. It will be healing for both of us. You mean like go back to that dirty garage and go through that again? I asked, giving Aranon a distasteful look. The fastest way to obtain healing is to share your
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experience with others who have had similar experiences, he replied, his face compassionate. I was thinking that sharing within the Meathos might make this easier as it is a supportive environment. It will also give you an opportunity to experience the most ancient aspects of the Meathos. I thought all the Meathos is one being, even when it is apart from the rest. Essentially, it is, and yet there are aspects of the Meathos within the Mother Pool, just like there are aspects of your own consciousness which you have not met yet. He gave me an indulgent smile. Of course, you dont have to do this. It was just a suggestion. I think I would rather just talk to Remmie about it. In the Meathos everything is just too real; you know what I mean? I need some time to mend inside before I do that again. I think thats a great idea, if Remmie is willing. Yes, of course, she said. I could see that she was also relieved. I would also like permission to be present, as an alternate perspective and as a facilitator. Of course, replied Remmie, again looking relieved. Sure.
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Okay, then, he said, well see you in the morning, Remmie. Lynn and Aranon walked Piddles, while I tagged along just behind Lynns eyes. We walked along a pathway, just bedside our apartment, a small branch for these behemoth trees, more like an alleyway than a road. After that, things became somewhat of a blur. The next morning, after a breakfast of more fruit, some interesting bread, and something that looked like eggs but didnt taste like them, Remmie came to take us to the Mother Pool. We had to go to the surface and as luck would have it the Sensarians had put a teleport station not too distant from our apartment. As we walked along the road, there were plenty of Siminians following at a safe distance. When we reached the teleport station, there was a line waiting to use the service. Are all of these people going to the Mother Pool? I asked. Actually, you can go just about anyplace from this station, replied Remmie, smiling. The trick is in knowing where you are going. If you can picture it, you go there. If you have never been there, then you need a guide like me to take you. So if I got on that square and pictured my home, on Earth, would I go there?
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Well, possibly, if you knew the code to give to the Sensarian who operates the gate. What code? I thought this was all just telepathic stuff. We have safeguards, that keep small children and unauthorized individuals from using the stations, she explained. But now I am an Archanian. I should be authorized, dont you think? I would encourage you not to try, said Remmie, frowning. Even if you were allowed to use the gate, your capacity for telepathic communication is not developed enough for you to be able to communicate the exact coordinates. I dont even know the exact coordinates, I said. I guess I was just being silly. Forgive me, I didnt mean to imply that I would try such a thing. Although I was really hoping that I could just stand on that square and think of home and click my heals together and just be there. I wondered if my family missed me. Aranon, I asked, is there some way that I can get a message to my family to let them know I am all right? Not to worry, he replied, smiling. When we send you back, we will be sending you back to the same moment you left. They will never have had a chance to be concerned. So, in effect, I am already home right now, huh?
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That depends on which now you are referring to. You know, thirteen or fourteen days from the day I left. Probably. That caused me take pause. Probably wasnt yes. Is there a possibility that I dont get back home? Life is filled with all kinds of possibilities, he grinned. All we have is now. Everything to come is based upon the choices that we make in the now. You hold the power of your future in your own hands and heart. Look, we are almost at the gate. We stood at the edge of the platform while three Siminians took their place on the golden square and then vanished. Aranon took my hand and led me to the square while Remmie communicated with the Sensarian who was seated in a thronelike seat beside the platform. Then she joined us, taking my other hand. Suddenly we were standing on a platform in the middle of what looked like an ancient Grecian structure. There were columned, covered walkways surrounded with small trees and shrubs, some blooming with flowers. The walkways were set in an octagon, in the center of which was a pool. There were stone benches set round stone tables scattered around the walkways edges. Toward the center, steps led down to a smaller, uncovered walkway around the pool.
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It looks like a Grecian Temple, I observed, feeling as though I was in a very sacred place. I suppose it is a temple. Remmie led us down the steps to the walkway that surrounded the pool. Now I could see that there were steps, going into the pool, and watched as a Siminian descended into the Meathos. Our people have come here at regular intervals for as long as our race has records. The Meathos is our mother and the Sensarians our father. Mother teaches us to feel and to utilize feelings as the energy for growth and change. Mother nurtures us, even heals us when The Source Of All Being allows, or sends us to Father, who can see our truth. Father teaches us of the outer world, of beauty and differentiation, of substance and form. The Sensarians are our learning guides. Sensarians are also in need of Mother, and they visit as often as we, and have done so since before we climbed out of our trees. So the surroundings, the structures are compliments of Sensarian builders. They were here when we first discovered the ground, and the Meathos. I didnt quite no what to say. I nodded, and continued to cogitate on the way in which these three societies interacted. Is the Meathos the oldest, as far as conscious beings on this planet? I asked finally, as Remmie indicated a bench where we could all sit down on.
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It is a subject for much debate as to who evolved first. One thing is for sure, and that is that the Siminians are the youngest. So, in the debate, asked Aranon, where do you stand? Well, an archaeological team is presently investigating digs that suggest that there was a previous society, highly mechanized, that predates our present races. At the time of that society, there were no giant trees, but there were Sensarian-like beings. The present day Sensarians would like us to abandon our efforts, quoting ancient writings that have also been uncovered, that speak of a time of horror and destruction. They feel that if we continue with our probing, we will unleash chaos on our world. I think that if we dont keep probing, we will never understand what drove them to destruction, and thus never learn how to avoid it. We have found evidence that the Meathos was a creation of that society and that its creation was not planned, but happened as the result of a period during which pollutants were released into the air and water unmonitored. The Meathos was generated as the result of a freak evolutionary spurt following that period. It was also during that time that the giant trees that can live on anything began to grow. Yep, on our planet they have smog. Smog is the result of polluted air. They have also been polluting the water, but there are lots of people demonstrating and writing letters to make the
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Government force industries not to do this. I think it will happen, and I think they will find ways to clean up the air, too. All things happen for a purpose, she said, grabbing my hand. If it had not been for this previous society, we would not have the Meathos, nor would we have the evolved race of Sensarians to guide us. What happened was a terrible thing, and yet a wonderful thing! The more I reach out, the more I investigate, the more I realize that all things, bad and good, work together to fulfill the Plan of The Source Of All Being. We can struggle against growth, we can struggle against the past, but until we investigate it, until we understand it, we cannot safely move on to our next evolutionary step. I am a product of all that has come before me. How can I know my true potential if I am unable to look at, to connect with and to understand the past that created me? Well, you think you got problems, I didnt even know there was such a thing as past lives until I got to Anchor and went into the Meathos. I mean almost nobody believes they have lived before on my world. Aranon gave me a look, and I amended my statement. Well, not in the US anyway. Especially not my family, I mean, what a shock! Yes, I guess that would be a shock, she said, patting the hand she held with her other. I guess you are now aware that
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you are much more than you thought you were. I guess, I said, still not intellectually able to connect with the idea. Would you like to go into the Meathos with me? She asked, smiling softly. I dont wana connect with that experience, I said, wary. Why dont you let the Meathos decide the experience? I tensed up and withdrew my hand from hers. I felt as though I was being forced. I knew that whatever is on my mind, that is where I will go, and the incident with Lynn was too close to the surface, and too raw. I didnt want to be forced to look at that again just yet. I looked at Aranon, pleadingly. Why dont you go in alone, Christy. You can tell the Meathos that you dont want to revisit that experience. It will honor your wishes. He reached out and patted me on the shoulder. You wont be sorry, I promise. Go touch the Ancients. They are gentle and wise. I looked at the pool and then at Remmie, who wore a compassionate smile but said nothing. I couldnt understand how, if all the Meathos was one, this pool could be any more special than the rest. Finally, I made my decision. The only way I would know is if I went in and felt the Meathos presence. I got up and
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started down the stairs into the Meathos. Almost immediately after submerging myself in the pool, Meestra appeared to me, her face wreathed in joy. Welcome to my home, Christy. This is where I have taken you in the times of your great distress. I looked around me and saw the beautiful angelic city as it had appeared to me in those times. I knew this was merely illusion, and yet there was an unexplained sense deep within me that told me that it was also a reality, but on another level. So, is the Meathos one being or many? I asked. Both, she said, smiling and taking me in her arms. The thing that frightens so many about attaining to a truly unified consciousness, which exists as fully in the part as it does in the whole, is a loss of individualism, a loss of individual identity. This is not the case with Meathos. Every soul that, due to circumstances, became locked within this substance has retained their individual identity, their own history, and their own perspective within The One Life. The sum of the many is greater than the whole, and this substance, Our Substance, is simply our connection to your reality. Our substance is increased by our loving interactions with one another and with those of other races and realities. Our substance is the means through which you and I can interact, but our reality is not in substance, but rather in the
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etheric. Through the etheric, we can go anywhere, within the realms of physical expression and then gather the substance we need to interact with the physical. As the result of the unique connection we have made between the etheric and the physical we have been given the honor of teaching this ability to all who desire to learn it. Who was here first? On Archana? I asked, hoping she would have an answer. The race that we once were, before the destruction. We were a race that was dependant upon mechanization, dependant upon the physical manipulation of substances, of society, of all of life. At that time we could not see beyond that which we could connect with through our senses. In many ways we physically resembled the races that populate the planet today. In other words, some of our original race was caught up in the Great Evolvement in a different way then we were. Also, an animal species that had begun to develop sentience before the Great Evolvement took a giant leap forward. We, who now express through this substance known as the Meathos, were all here before the destruction. Now, it has become our task to teach our physical brethren and their children to value the inner life more than the outer life and to coexist with their environment in productive and non-destructive ways.
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So, there was a race that predated you and the Sensarians? That race was made up of both the Sensarians and those who have become the Meathos, as we were before the Great Evolvement. The Ancients of both have memories of what it was like before that time. Both the Ancient Sensarians and the Ancient Meathos. It is a time that we have been all too willing to leave buried. Now we see that our children are rediscovering our past, and there is a great debate as to whether this should be sanctioned or forbidden. It has been my experience that that which I was forbidden to do I did anyway, throwing caution to the wind. I said. You are not afraid to speak your mind. That is one of the things that we like about your people. We believe that you are right, and that continuing to forbid discovery would be more harmful than allowing it to continue. As you go through your process of self-discovery, we do also. It is difficult to revisit our mistakes, and yet, in doing so I believe that we also discover our strengths. It is painful to confront our past, our lack of consideration for our world, for one another, and yet, it is this very thing that contributed to the Meathos enlightenment, to the changes in our substance that set us free and yet drew us all together into one mind. The songs you sang at the Think-See
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allowed us to connect with that truth. We thank you for that. It wasnt mine, it came from somewhere else. I just shared it with you. I said, unwilling to be named as a catalyst for change on this planet. The gift was given to you by others, thats true, but it is your heart and your soul that contributed the thoughts and feelings behind the words. It came out of your experience, and it spoke to our hearts and souls. It is time that you accept the possibility that you can have a positive effect upon others, regardless of how you perceive your position relative to them. I tell you this because it is true, not out of any attempt to simply soothe your injured heart. Okay, I said, not quite knowing how to feel about that. So can I meet one of the Ancients? I am one of the Ancients, she said, smiling. I remember the day when our world changed. I have no position of authority, and am not exalted among the Meathos, for there is no hierarchy here. We decided to become a communal force at the beginning of our new existence. We decided then, suddenly being of one mind, that we would pool our knowledge, our experience and our strength and work as one to reclaim the planet of our beginnings. Nevertheless, although I speak for the One, I also speak from my own unique perspective as an individual.
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Wow! I said, my mind spinning with questions. So, what happened? How did the destruction happen? We were attempting to control our physical environment. We wanted to control the weather, the rotation of the planet, and to tap into power sources that were beyond our understanding. We managed most of it, but then, one day, it all just snapped, like a string pulled too tight. The destruction that occurred as the result of that snap lasted for many cycles and changed us, slowly, painfully, forever. It was the time of our darkest days, and yet the beginning of our salvation from ourselves. It sounds an awful lot like what the people of my planet are doing now. Trying to control everything and all. Yes, and as we gain the opportunity to touch other races, other worlds, we can see that what we did is not all that unique or unusual. We also see where there are opportunities to instruct and to guide developing races toward what we now enjoy as a highly rewarding existence, without the need endure a calamity to attain it. I sure wish you could help my people. They are really going down the wrong road. Your petition is enough. Rest assured, we will work through you, as long as you allow us to. It is important to remember
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though that we do not seek to change the destiny of any race, but rather to assist them in coping with the destiny of their choosing. Thanks, Ill remember that, and thanks for the help, we will probably need all the assistance we can get. I said, meaning it, but not yet comprehending what it meant. Well, thank you for talking with me Meestra. I really appreciate your explaining all of that. I guess I should get back to my friends now. I am sure I will be seeing you again soon. She smiled and then gave me a quick hug and released me. Take the light of my love with you. I will, I said, and then I began to walk toward the steps. As I began to climb the steps, I saw that Aranon and Remmie were waiting at the top. Aranon smiled and nodded. Remmie smiled and gave me a hug as I climbed up beside her. Im glad I went, I said. I learned a lot about the origin of the Meathos. Really? Quarried Remmie, her face showed disbelief. Yep. I smiled at her. Meestra is the one that talked to me. She said that she is an Ancient, and that she remembers the time before the destruction. Really? Replied both Aranon and Remmie, both looking incredulous.
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Im sure you have heard all of this. I mean your race has known the Meathos for ages, right? I was starting to think that I had been given privileged information. We have always known there were Ancients who remembered, we just never knew who they were. They have never shared those memories with us. She just stood there staring at me. I just asked questions and she answered them. There was a little talk about the Meathos having come to the conclusion that continuing to forbid discovery would be more harmful than allowing it to continue. Oh my, said Remmie, looking feint. What did she say precipitated this conclusion? Well, I dont believe it, but she said it was because of the songs I sang at the Think-See. Im not even sure what I sang, I said feeling at a loss. Or which song made the difference. How absolutely wonderful! She exclaimed, clapping her hands in joy. I believe it when she said it was your songs. Your visualizations were quite powerful. The Meathos is the catalyst that makes the Think-See happen, by providing the substance through which the visualizations are brought to life. When they helped to create your visualizations your songs must have
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touched them as much as they did the rest of us. Tell us more! What happened to that civilization that we uncovered and who were they? That destroyed civilization was populated by the beings from which the Meathos and the Sensarians descended. She said that after something called the Great Evolvement, those who managed to survive the initial holocaust were changed. Some became the Meathos and some became the Sensarians. I didnt ask why some were shifted into the etheric, while the rest remained in physical bodies, but thats what happened. Maybe there was a blast, and those at the epicenter were shifted into the etheric, and those outside the blast suffered from the effects of some sort of fallout that changed their bodies. It is probably what caused that Great Evolvement thing. I know from studying about the atomic bomb that there can be genetic transformations as the result of nuclear fallout. Maybe whatever caused this blast also caused a kind of fallout. Then she didnt tell you what caused the blast? She said that they were attempting to control their physical environment. That they wanted to control the weather, the rotation of the planet, and to tap into power sources that were beyond their understanding, and one day something snapped, like a string that had been drawn too tight, and in an instant, everything
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changed, but it took many cycles for the changes to complete. Christy, asked Remmie, anxiously. Would you be willing to talk to our Historical Society about this conversation? Golly Jeeze, I said, feeling overwhelmed again. Why doesnt your Historical Society just go and talk to Meestra? She must have known I would tell you. I am sure she would be willing to tell you herself. She did a double take and then smiled. Of course. If she was willing to tell you, she would surely be willing to discuss it with us now. Then she smiled, gently. I apologize. I should not have presumed that you would be comfortable being a liaison between us and the Meathos. Im willing to do that, if that is what Meestra wants. I just think you should ask her yourself. Then, if she would rather I speak for her, I will. Thats my girl, said Aranon. Now, why dont we find a quite place so that the two of you can share your experiences?
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Twenty-Four
Remmie and I sat facing one another across a stone table that had been polished like marble. Aranon sat on a bench behind me, but close enough to hear our conversation. Who should go first? I asked him, turning to look at him. I will go first, answered Remmie, as her face drained of all color. It is time. Aranon smiled at her and nodded. I was a small child. I suppose I would have been at the developmental level of a five year old on your planet, Christy. I have studied your planet and its culture, with the help of Aranon, and this is about as close as I can get to an accurate comparison. Okay, I said, taking her hand. Already my heart was
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breaking. As I had explained before, my father was a diplomat, working to bring a culture, on another planet, into diplomatic relations with our own. To show trust, my father brought my mother and I on the visit. I was a curios child, as most Siminian children are. All children at that age are curious, at least they are on my planet. I interjected. She smiled at me and then continued. I was more adventurous than most, I think. I decided to go out and investigate this new place, all by myself. At that time both of my parents were busy, my father meeting with businessmen, my mother meeting with their mates. There was a young woman from this society, who was entertaining the children of those who had come to visit with my parents, but I was not entertained. I snuck out. I wanted to meet the people that were going to be coming to our planet to sell things and to buy things. I wanted to see just how different they were. These people were much like us. They looked a lot like us, having fur and two arms and legs and the ability to speak. I was filled with wonder as I walked alone on their roads and greeted people with the few words that I had learned from my father. I met other children but they could not connect with me like the children
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of my world could. They did not share consciousness like we did. My father hoped that they would utilize the help of the Meathos to acquire these skills. I was disappointed by my first contacts with them and had started back toward our temporary quarters when a large male tried to engage me in a conversation. I only knew a few words of his language, so I didnt understand what he was saying to me. Finally, he grew tired of trying to get me to understand him and took my hand and led me to his place of residence. I went, thinking that being I was the child of a diplomat I was safe. No one would jeopardize their planet's standing with our world by harming the visiting diplomats child. Once we arrived at his place of residence, his behavior became more and more aggressive, and he began touching me in ways I had never been touched before, and he smiled when I swooned at those touches, not knowing why they effected me as they did. Then, he covered me with his body and a part of him penetrated me in that special place that makes me female, and then all I could feel was pain. Terrible, tearing pain! I cried out, but he laughed, and continued with what he was doing. His organ was huge to begin with, but his body was different then our bodies in that his organ swelled upon orgasm and he could not remove it until he was sated. For a very long time he
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remained joined with me, ripping and tearing my insides, causing unbelievable pain, heaving and howling, his weight crushing my small body. When he was finished with me, he took me outside and tossed me in the roadway. Those who maintain order, police is what you call them on your world, found me. They knew who I was for all the police in the city were looking for me. They returned me to my parents, but I could not tell them what had happened to me, for I didnt know. There is no word in our language for rape. All I could do was point to my female organs and cry. My parents rushed me home and I was looked at by the Sensarian doctors, who explained to my parents what had happened. I was then taken to the Meathos, but because my understanding was limited, even the Meathos was at a loss as to how to help me. Finally, after a long time of deep depression, the Meathos advised my parents to take me to Anchor, where Aranon worked with me, helped me to remember, and then helped me to understand and finally forgive. As the result of this assault, my body was damaged, and my parents were told that I would probably not be able to bear a child of my own. Nevertheless, because of Aranon and his wonderful healing machines, the use of which are not sanctioned by my
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society, I became whole again, and was able to become a mother, when I felt the time was right. Since then I have worked with Aranon, the Meathos and the Sensarians, helping those who have had similar experiences. Im glad, I said, my eyes filled with tears. I am sorry that happened to you. I know it was terrifying and painful. I know what it feels like to carry this secret for a long time, not knowing how to tell about it or who to tell it to. Did you hate yourself? Did you feel that you wanted to be male instead of female? Yes, I replied, I did. My parents didnt understand it. They allowed me to act like a male and dress like a male. On my planet, because we wear clothes, it is hard to tell a female child from a male child if they dress alike and wear their hair alike. I dressed and wore my hair like a boy, like a male child, for some time after my experience. Tell me about your experience, she said, softly. I told her about the boys who promised to show me a magical place, and how they had tricked me so that they could take sexual advantage of me. I told her, as best I could, about what that meant and how it felt. I told her how my mother had treated me and how the doctor had treated me and how lost and alone I felt and how I had lost myself that day, how Lynn had died
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and how another alter was created. When I was finished I was shaking all over and sobbing. Remmie took my hands in hers and then finally moved beside me and took me in her arms. I sobbed deeply as she held me, feeling the energy of the remembered event draining out of me. Finally, completely drained, I asked Aranon to take me home. Aranon lifted me up and carried me back to our apartment where he placed me in the Meathos pool. Meestra came to me and gathered me up and took me to the beautiful city, where she and others nurtured me until I was emptied of all the pain and the memories. Finally, I was taken back and Aranon retrieved me from the pool and put me to bed. I awoke with a start, sitting bolt upright out of a nightmare. I was sweating profusely and was in great pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to remember what the dream was about, but it fled from me like a thief caught red-handed. I struggled out of bed and wandered into the common room where I plopped down on one of the large cushions, feeling exhausted. My hair hung in twisted wet hanks, and I shivered in my sweat soaked nightshirt. Here we go again! I thought to myself, my heart still pounding.
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Aranon appeared in the doorway of his room, the sleep still weighing down his eyelids. As soon as he became aware of my condition he moved quickly to a place beside me on the cushion. What has happened? He asked, feeling my flushed cheeks and seeing my wet hair and sweat soaked nightshirt. I had a really bad nightmare, I said, shivering again. Aranon got up and retrieved a blanket off his bed and then wrapped it around me. Tell me about it, he said, calmly. I dont remember! I said, as tears slid from my eyes. This had been happening for as long as I could remember. The nightmare, the sense of terror, the pain in my legs and arms, the pain in my lower abdomen, like a bladder infection. I was never able to uncover the contents of the nightmare. This was the driving force behind my secret wish. I suppose it is time for us to return to Anchor. I guess youre right, I said, feeling very sad to have to leave this beautiful and idyllic world. I had made a friend here, who looked like one of the actors in Planet Of The Apes, except that she had a human face and was a deeply spiritual person. I would never forget the friendship and kindness that she had given to me, nor the story she told that made us kindred souls. But not before I say goodbye to Remmie. Of course, he said with an understanding smile.
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This isnt new, Aranon. I said using my most reasonable tone. Its been going on as long as I can remember. I can never remember what it was about, and I always hurt all over and feel terrified for maybe an hour or so before I can get back to sleep. Have you ever tried to find out what its about? Yes, but I just cant remember. I have even tried to think of ways to make myself remember. I just dont think anyone will ever be able to help me with it. Tell me how I can help you with it. You know about it, I said, a little curtly. You saw it when I had that bad time in the ship on the way here. Refresh my memory. I cant. Thats one of the rules. Tell me about the rules. I sat there for a moment, trying to think of how I would tell him about the rules without telling him my secret wish. One of the rules is, I cant tell you the rules. You just gota know without being told. Its like a test. Okay, what is the test for? To be sure that the right person helps me. How can you know if it is the right person? Because they will know what to do and what to say without my telling them. That will mean that God sent them, and that it will
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be a loving thing, not a destructive thing. Ah, he said. Let me see if I have this right. What you are waiting for is God to send you the right person who will know exactly what to do without being told, and that this will somehow lead to your remembering what happened to cause these recurring nightmares? Thats about it, I said, my heart pounding. He knew. I knew he knew. Maybe he would do it. Maybe he would help me with this. All right, he said, almost hesitantly. Have you calmed down enough to go back to sleep? I dont know. My heart is still pounding. What I didnt say was that until I knew if he would help me, it was a good possibility that my heart would pound whenever I was alone with him. Okay, well considering that you have been through this many times before, I guess I will go back to bed, and you can either do the same or wait here until you feel you are ready to sleep. Okay, I said, feeling both relieved and let down at the same time. I dont have to confront this right now. I can wait till we get back to Anchor. Thats good. He started back to his room. Try to get some sleep.
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I sat there alone for a few minutes, feeling uneasy. Usually he would stay and push me to reveal more and more until I was overwhelmed. I was confused by his behavior. Then, suddenly I realized something. Piddles was gone. I hadnt seen him since the night before when Lynn and Aranon walked him. I got up and looked through the entire apartment, even in the cabinets and under things. No Piddles. Now I was frantic and crying. I went to my room and started to dress, thinking I had better go look for him. Aranon stood in the doorway, as I stood up after tying my shoes. Where is Piddles? I said, angrily. When were you going to tell me that he was gone? Hes not gone, he spent last night and today at Remmies house. We took him to her house when we walked him last night. I apologize for not informing you. Obviously Lynn knew and I just assumed you did too, but it seems there are still gaps in your communication with her. You could have said something! I shouted at him, filled with an anger I hadnt felt in a long time. I was frantic! I thought he had somehow wandered off, just like I was afraid of before we came. You should have told me! I balled up my fists and shook them at him, wanting to hit him but restraining myself. You are absolutely right, he countered, holding up his
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hands as if I were toting a loaded gun. It was an unconscionable oversight. I can only beg your forgiveness. Why didnt Remmie say something? Maybe she was as overwhelmed as you were at the prospect of telling someone else her story. Could it be that she still carries a great deal of pain within her, just as you do? Put yourself in her place, would you have remembered, knowing that you were going to revisit one of the most painful times of your life? No, probably not. I hung my head and then sat back down on my bed and began removing me shoes. Im sorry. I was so wrapped up in the prospect of that moment that I probably shut Lynn out. Its probably my fault. What is your fault? He asked, sitting down on my bed beside me as I untied my shoes. Not giving anyone a chance to tell me about Piddles. Christy, there is no such thing as fault, there are only circumstances and choices. Everyone strives to make the best choices under any given circumstances. Remmie will be bringing Piddles back in the morning. Try to get some sleep, okay? He rubbed his hand over my head, mussing my already messy hair. He then got up and left my room. Again, I sat there trying to figure things out. Why did Remmie
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want Piddles for a whole day and a night? Had she fallen in love with him? He was the only dog on Archana. Maybe they had never seen a dog before. Maybe she wanted to study him. But then why would she take him on a night before a long day where she couldnt be with him? Whom had she left him with while we were on our tour? I lay back on my bed with these thoughts chasing themselves around in my mind. I was awakened by Piddles jumping up on my bed and licking my face. I opened my eyes and his met mine, and he sat and smiled at me, his tongue protruding from his open smile just over his front teeth. I laughed at him, and gave him a pet. I told him how much I had missed him, which made his tail begin to wag. I then got up and put my shoes back on, since I was still fully dressed, having fallen asleep in my clothes. With piddles at my heals, I entered the common room. Remmie sat on one of the cushions drinking something, and Aranon sat on another, doing likewise. Can I have some? I asked, not even knowing what it was they were drinking. Of course, replied Remmie with a broad smile on her face.
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I brought some tea that my grandmother taught me to make. Its to promote, ah, pleasantness. I thought it would be a nice way for us to say our goodbyes. She got up and went to the table and filled a cup-like container from a carafe. Tell me what you think, she said, handing me the cup. I took a sip and it tasted sweet and tangy. Its good. I gave a forced smile. I was still upset over Piddles absence. Aranon told me that you would be leaving today. He also told me about last night and how worried you were about your friend, Piddles. I apologize for not discussing it with you. You see, my husband is an exobiologist, and he was desperate to see this unique little animal. I asked Aranon for permission to take him home with me the other night, but he said it would be better if he brought him by when Lynn took him for his walk. I had no idea yesterday that you didnt know where he was. Youre married? Yes, she smiled, and I have two children. Thanks to Anchors forbidden machines, I stated, still in shock by her revelation. Yes, she looked at Aranon and gave him a secret smile. And did your husband perform tests on Piddles? I asked, concerned that he had been terrorized. Nothing was done to him without his permission, she said,
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her words halting, cautious. He is a very amiable little fellow, and is very interested in being helpful. He was never harmed in any way, and he received a whole lot of attention from my children. We will miss him. He won our hearts completely. She smiled again, but I could tell that she was still being cautious. I see. I was still feeling angry and not knowing why. I wanted to leave Remmie with fond memories and good wishes and yet somehow I felt betrayed by her. Im so sorry, Christy. I had no idea that this would cause you so much upset. Sadness spread across her face as I sat down on a cushion. My heart sank when I saw how sad this had made her. This wasnt the way I wanted to say goodbye. Remmie, Im sorry. I put my cup down and went to her, throwing my arms around her, as tears flowed down my cheeks. She returned the hug, and I could hear her sniffling. We have much in common, she sniffed, and I would like to think of you as my friend. You are my friend! I said, putting my hands on her shoulders, moving out of the embrace and looking into her tearfilled eyes. I would like to think that we will always be friends, in spite of my sometimes overly sensitive nature. You have every right to feel as you do. Nevertheless, I
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would like to think we will always be friends in spite of silly mistakes. We will, I replied. And when I get sent back home, I will ask that Piddles be brought back to you if his previous family is no longer interested in keeping him. And a girlfriend for him too, if we can find one, so that you will be the first on Archana to raise a family of dogs. Is that a possibility? She asked, turning to Aranon. It is, he replied, smiling. That would be wonderful! My husband and children will be so excited. And thats another thing, I said. I would like to meet your husband and children before I go. Of course! I am sure they will be honored to meet you. We took the little side road, that alleyway where Aranon and Lynn walked Piddles, to go to Remmies house. Remmies husband, who seemed surprised by our being there, met us at the door. Remmie! He said, opening the door wider so that we could enter. I wasnt expecting company. He closed the door after we
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were all inside, and then ran about the room picking things up from the floor and straightening up the room. Christy wanted to meet you. I thought that you would like to say goodbye to her with me. She would also like to meet the children. Uh, yes, he said coming over to me and putting out his hand, like any human on Earth would greet another. It is an honor to meet you! Im Targo. Its an honor to meet you too, Targo, I replied, taking his hand and giving it a gentle shake. In my arms, Piddles wagged his tail and grinned, doggie fashion. The house was much larger than our apartment, and had two floors with a circular staircase that seemed to be growing out of the main floor and up into the next. I was fascinated by this and went to investigate. How are the houses made? I asked. Do you carve out the inside of the trees? Oh no, replied Targo. We tell the tree what we would like and it creates it for us. The trees learned a long time ago that they fare much better offering us residences that meet our needs. We also learned a long time ago how to communicate with them, through the elementals, and it is through them that the trees are able to mold themselves into serviceable living quarters. I think
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you would call it a symbiotic arrangement. He smiled, kindly. Would you like to look the place over? Yes, I would like that very much. He led us through the living room and into a large kitchen where there was a large table and benches growing from the floor. Two of the benches were higher than the others, probably for the children, I thought. This is our eating space, he said, proudly, walking us around the circular table with its semicircular benches. I like the table. Tell the tree that it did a good job on that. Targo beamed, more like a housewife than a husband, but then this was a different culture, and maybe the roles were reversed. I will, he replied. He then led us to another room, between the living room and the kitchen. In this room there was a pool, probably Meathos, three toilets and what looked like a shower stall. Whats this? I asked, pointing to the stall. That is a personal care cubical, are you not familiar with that? Yes, we have had one in our apartment, but I never used it. How does it work? The trees roots reach deep into the planet and pull up clean
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water. Then, the tree pulls it up into this valve where it is released when we touch this knob here, which is sensitive to our touch. As we bathe the water is returned to the tree, and reused for its nutrient value. Wow! You really do have a symbiotic relationship! This is amazing! It is just the way we live, replied Targo, shrugging. He led us back into the living room and then up that unique staircase. As we ascended the stairs, I could see another central room with three more rooms leading off from it. Two small Siminian children sat with a Sensarian, putting something together. It may have been a puzzle or maybe a math project. The children looked up, smiling broadly, but remained seated beside their instructor. Esteemed Aldalgo, this is Christy, Christy, this is the Esteemed Aldalgo, my Childrens Teaching Guide, and also my Teaching Guide when I was a child. I bowed to the Teaching Guide, holding the bow until he nodded back at me. He didnt seem all that thrilled that we had interrupted his lesson. Finally, when one of the children placed the last piece into the three-dimensional puzzle, he smiled broadly. He gave the child a hug, speaking softly, and then the child grinned back at him. He jumped from the stool on which he
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sat and ran to his mother. There was no doubt now that the child was male. The other child awaited a nod from the Teaching Guide, which came after the boy child had greeted his mother. Then the other child, a girl, received her nod and she bolted off her stool and ran for her hug. I am very pleased to meet you, said Aldalgo, standing. His height was very close to Aranons. He walked over to me and pulled me into a hug. I was somewhat taken off guard by that, as it seemed almost improper with all of the regimentation I had seen in his relationship with the children. But then he was their teacher, and as I was told, demanded respect, as well as gave it. I was just a visitor. I am glad to meet you too, I said, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the hug. Are you a child in your race, or are you an adult? He asked. I guess I am an adult, but I feel as though I am still a child, with much to learn. A good position to hold, he replied, smiling down at me, his dark eyes glistening. Nevertheless, you are also a Teaching Guide for those of us who call this planet home, in spite of the fact that you do not yet understand this. I was at a loss for words. I just sort of stood there, letting him
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hug me, feeling the warmth of his acceptance. Nevertheless it felt awkward, and I was a little embarrassed because he seemed to want to continue to hold me. Finally, he laughed a bellowing laugh and then released me, his dark eyes twinkling merrily. It is difficult for you to accept praise and love, he said, still smiling. If you were to stay here with us, I would teach you to value yourself and your efforts. I would take you as my special charge, and I would show you the wonders within you and without. Its a very tempting offer, said Aranon, also smiling. But we have more work to do before she would be ready for your tutelage. Ah, and I have my charges here, in need of me for many cycles to come, so the prospect is moot. Nevertheless, I am drawn to her. Maybe, one day she will return and spend time with us? Maybe one day I will, I said, feeling left out of the conversation. Then turning to Remmie I said, What are your childrens names? Aldalgo stiffened, and then clapped his hands. The children both walked back to him and stood at attention before him. He spoke to them softly and then they turned around, facing me. The boy took one step forward bowed and said, I am
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Dagna. I am very pleased to meet you, Christy. I bowed back to him and then told him that I was pleased to meet him too. He grinned broadly and then took one step back. Then his younger sister took one step forward, bowed and said, I am Demmie and I am pleased to meet you, Christy. I repeated the process and she also grinned and took one step back. Then they turned to face their teacher, bowed and awaited his bow in return. Then he again spoke to them softly and they turned and came over to me and each gave me a hug. I was charmed. They were beautiful children. I was starting to wish that we could stay another day, and I could spend more time with them, and with Aldalgo. We shared a meal with Remmie and her family, and then bid them all a sad goodbye. Remmie accompanied us to the spaceport and our Tri-car. It was a tearful farewell, as we hugged again and promised to see each other again. She gave piddles one last hug, and he gave her one last lick, and then Aranon helped me up the steps into the ship. My eyes were filled with tears as the door closed. Aranon patted me on the shoulder and said, Youll be back; I have no doubt about that.
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Twenty-Five
The trip back to Anchor took less than five minutes, which is what Aranon told me it usually takes when he is not awaiting port clearance. As Aranon opened the door, Piddles began to turn in circles, yipping. Aranon clipped the leash on him and carried him down the stairs, and put him down after which he immediately turned in circles, squatted and did his thing. I think he is glad to be home. Aranon chuckled as Piddles piddled on everything in sight as we walked through Top Side. I already miss Remmie. I said, feeling more of a loss than anything else.
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I am really glad that you two were able to share your intimate experiences with one another. That is a special bond that cannot be broken by time and space. Yeah, well, it may not be broken by time and space, but it sure feels like it. I know. He put his arm around me and gave me a gentle hug. By the time that we had crossed though the gate and into the rotunda I was feeling closed in. My demeanor had become morose. I felt like an automaton, being guided by Aranons hand on my shoulder, through the twists and turns of hallways, back to my room. When he waved his hand to open my door I was silent and withdrawn. Maybe you would like to take a nap, said Aranon, guiding me to my bed. I lay down and turned myself away from him, feeling like I was in a prison cell, and my fate was now to be determined by others. This seemed to be the way that I dealt with stress. I would just withdraw and shut down. Aranon left me there, after he let me know that he was taking Piddles back to Sam and Jeanies. I lay there trying to bring my secret wish into focus, but it wouldnt come. I could connect with the basic premise, but the fantasies that had seen me through
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previous times of great stress would not materialize. I felt frustrated and angry. I knew that he had done something to me, maybe when I was in all that pain on the ship, something that not only took away the pain in my gut but also short circuited my ability to build my fantasy of actuation and release. The energy of my frustration was building and building, and before long I began to feel a panic attack coming on. I started hyperventilating and my heart started pounding faster and harder. I wanted to get up but I was shaking so bad and felt so dizzy that I lay back down and curled into a fetal position. I wanted to cry but no tears would come out, and so I cried out verbally. No, no, no, no! Was the only thing that would come out. In between the nos I gasped and moaned. I felt like I was in hell. The funny thing is, I knew I was doing this to myself, but felt powerless to stop myself. For whatever reason I just kept feeding it and building it, wracking my body with shakes and gasps. How insane can you get? But here I was, playing this dangerous game again of hoping help would come in time, yet unable or unwilling to call out for help. They could probably see me. They probably knew I needed attention. Maybe they thought I was playacting? Was I playacting? I was having real feelings; I was near hysteria as these feelings roared through me. I did need attention! I just
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wished I knew what it was that happened to me that made me need it so much! There has to be a reason why I was doing this to myself. I needed to know! I needed to know! No, no, no! Aranon rushed into the room, picked me up and took me right into the Meathos pool. Calm down, just breathe normally, relax your body. Open to the Meathos; let it fill you with peace. Thats it, Christy. You will get through this, and I will help as much as you will allow. I cant do something to help you until you tell me what it is you think you need. All I can do is try to make you comfortable and keep reminding you that I am here to facilitate your healing. What happens now is up to you. You control it. If you would like to give up some of that control, temporarily, I would also be glad to facilitate that. I dont understand, I said, still racing inside. I can calm you with a touch, and in that same instant, know what is at the root of the incident. Allowing me to do whatever would make things easier. Now I really had to think. Could I give him that much control and the license to look into my secret thoughts, my inner games and my manipulations? How can I stop playing the game? I have to know what happed that started this game. I dont think I can do that until I fulfill the purpose of the game. Its supposed to open
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that door in my mind where the secret to me is. Thats the only direction I am willing to go. No. I said it firmly. I meant it. Okay then, we do it your way. But there is a very important component to that. You cannot have what you are unwilling to ask for. I can offer you nothing until you ask for it. But what if I cant ask for it? What if I knew it wouldnt work if I did? That is a dilemma, he said. No its not, I said, feeling trapped. You know what I want. You saw it. I may have seen it, but you still have to ask. I cant, I cried, feeling helpless. The game was not going well at all. Maybe you can, he said, gently. Maybe you could take a chance and step outside the game. You are aware that I know, without your having told me, at least not out of your own volition. Now, all you have to do is verbalize it. Do you think you could do that? I was thinking that over, as the Meathos soothed my strained nervous system. It seemed logical that if he already knew, then just saying it aloud probably wouldnt ruin anything. I was really stuck in this game. It had kept the hope alive that I would one day
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discover the secret that had filled my nights with nightmares and my days with endless daydreams of putting an end to them. It had to work! Maybe I would only get one chance. If I made a mistake here, I could blow it forever. I dont want to ruin the chance that it could work. Is it possible that telling me exactly what you want may be the only way for it to work? What you cannot own, never belongs to you. Ill have to think about that. I really need for this to work. I really need to know what happened to me that has made my life such a nightmare. I could help you to do that without the necessity of my doing what you want me to do. What you are stuck in, my dear friend is a childs magical wish. Somewhere in your inner reality is a child with a magical wish based upon a childish, distorted understanding. Somehow that child got love all mixed up with pain and cannot separate the two. And now, although you are more aware, more capable of understanding what happened to you and dealing with it objectively, you are still locked into that childs magical thinking. Take a chance. Lets discuss this like two adults and find a way to open that memory for you, without the need for pain and intense distress. No! I was adamant. It has to be completed! It has to
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become real! Nothing else will do! I need this experience to complete something! I need this! I need this! I said, strongly, firmly, and adamantly. Okay, then lets find out why. I will only find out why when it happens! All right then, when you are really ready to go through this, you will ask me for what you want. Are you ready to get out of the pool? Suddenly I felt as though I were being dismissed. Nevertheless, the Meathos supported me, relaxed me, and imparted the feeling that I could trust my instincts. I nodded and we stood up and climbed out of the pool. He led me to the conversation area and motioned for me to take a chair. Tell me about the game. He sat down and then moved his chair so that he was facing me. I dont know how. Again I was faced with exposing the secrets of the game, and felt frightened. Remember, I already know what its about, but I would like you to explain how, why and when you play it. Its not something I consciously decide upon. Okay, youre a very observant person, so what have you observed as the catalyst, the trigger for playing the game? Being in the presence of a kind and loving man, whom I can
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relate to as a father. Then, I have to get to know him, and I have to let him get to know me, at least a little. Good! That is very honest! He gave me a kind smile and patted my knee. Now tell me, how does the game begin? I start hurting. I start needing help with my pain. I trust him with some of my secrets. I show him that I am a person worthy of his attention, I let him see my talents. Ah hah! He grinned, showing perfect white teeth. And all of that has happened, between us, has it not? He used his finger to point into the air. Yes. So whats next? I dont know, it hasnt happened yet. This is as far as I have ever gotten. Thats why I have to complete it. I have to! So what does your gut tell you that you need to do to continue the game? Its supposed to be up to you now. You are supposed to know what I want and just do it. Will you please just do it? I asked, trembling. Tears were flooding into my eyes, blurring my vision. Do what? He asked softly, laying his hand on my knee. You know what! Just do it! I need you to verbalize what you want.
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I just did! I cried, tears spilling from my eyes, my hands balled up into fists. You know what I want and I am asking you to please do it! Do what? He asked again, this time in a more demanding tone. He gripped my arm, pulling me slightly forward, and I gasped with the anticipation that he was considering taking the next step. My heart was pounding now, and my whole body was singing with hypersensitivity. You know what!!!! I yelled at him and then I sobbed. Just do it! He shifted forward and started to pull me from my chair. I was sobbing wildly now, and shaking all over. For a moment we just hung there in suspended animation, him gripping me, and me sobbing. Then he seemed to make a decision and pulled me across his lap, face down. I guess that is as close to asking as you are going to get, so I am going to honor that. This is not what I choose to do to help you, but it is what you have asked me to do, and I will honor that as well. I will also honor your desire for it to be a real experience, not a simulated one, in spite of the probability that it will be extremely painful, possibly even physically damaging. I will do my best not to damage you, while staying within the parameters of
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your fantasy. At this point I felt his hand slap my buttocks with such a force that it took my breath away. As the pain exploded there and then moved quickly to involve my whole body, I screamed. Is this what you want? He asked, as my scream finally ceased. Yes! I sobbed, my mind reeling with little vignettes, snippets of memories that would not solidify. Again, his hand came down hard on my buttocks, and again the pain screamed through my body and out of my mouth. Why do you need this barbaric ritual? What is it for? He demanded. I need to remember! I screamed and sobbed. Pain is not love. He said with amazing calmness, his voice filled with compassion. He struck me once again, With this my heart felt like it broke and images and pain filled my consciousness that were not from what Aranon was doing. A man appeared in my vision, standing over me. He wore only an undershirt. I could feel myself lying on a bed, my hair was wet and I was naked. My hands were taped to my ankles. I was lying on my back and the man was touching me on my genitals, softly, causing my whole body to tingle and want more. Then he shoved his finger inside me and I could feel the muscles down there twitching, gripping his finger tightly, as a feeling of pleasure
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rippled through my body, pulsing to the rapid beat of my heart. It wasnt what I wanted to feel. I was terrified and wanted to go home. I wanted my mommy. I didnt want to feel those things but I couldnt help it. Then the man asked me if I liked that, and I nodded yes, even though I really wanted to go home. I hoped that if I did and said the right things, he would let me go home. Then he began to slap me, to hit me all over with his hands, yelling Bad! Bad! Bad! It is evil to like that, he yelled as he slapped me more. That is what I am going to teach you. God told me that I must teach you this, because God loves you and I love you and you need to know how evil your body is! If I dont teach you this, you will do this evil thing with some boy and you will like it so much that you will be damned, and God will throw you into a lake of fire where you will burn and burn forever! I am doing this because I love you. I am doing this because God loves you. I am doing this to save you from Hell and damnation! Then the man in the undershirt climbed on the bed, and I could see a part of him sticking out, between his legs, big and dark red, twitching strangely. Then he pushed my knees apart and forced that thing into me, glaring at me while he did it. Do you like that? Said the man in the undershirt. The further he pushed himself within me, the more I screamed. Finally, he took some white tape and put it over my
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mouth. The he pushed himself in again, further and further, until I was consumed with pain and terror. I am doing this because I love you. I am doing this because God loves you and wants me to show you the evils of you body. He then started to pull this part of himself in and out, in and out, more and more violently, slamming himself into my three year old body, beating my insides, and slapping my face as his pace became faster and more violent. Bad! he shouted, as his face contorted in a distorted form of pleasure. Bad! Bad! Bad! I was sobbing, and as my nose filled up with mucous, I could not breathe. I struggled to get away from him, as he pounded himself into me, but my strength was gone, and an icy cold flowed through me, and then, I died. My body went limp in Aranons lap. I had stopped breathing. He quickly picked me up and carried me back into the Meathos, submerging me and waiting until the Meathos had restored my breathing. Then he went to the interface and plugged himself in. Christy, he said into the connection. You are safe. Just breathe normally. You can disconnect from this physically and describe what is happening. The Meathos will help you. I was just a baby! I sobbed. How old were you? He asked.
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Thwee, said a tiny voice in my mind. And what is your name? Sissy, replied the little voice. Tell me what happened, Sissy. Tell me what was hurting you and where you were? I was helping Mr. Eddy. I was helping him cween his basement. And then what happened? He gived me a ball. Its a magic ball that can bounce really, really high. And then what happened? It went down the dwain. I saw the ball rolling across the floor of the basement, and then down a drain in the middle of the floor. I saw myself crying, lamenting the loss of the magic ball, looking down the drain but unable to see it. Sobbing louder. Then what happened? Asked Aranon, gently. Mr. Eddy said he would find me another one. He took me upstairs into his house. We went into his room. Then what happened? He was wooking in da quaset. I sitted on a bed. Two beds. I sitted on one. He looked at me and then he looked scary. He pulled me off the bed and hit me. He told me now I was dirty and had to take a baff. He pulled me into the baffroom and tooked my
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cwose off me. I didnt want a baff. I wanted my mommy. I was cwying. He made wadder go in the tub. I didnt wana baff. I tried to get away but he wuoldn wet me. I was yelling and cwying and he tooked a boddle outa a cabinet and put some smelly stuffs on a wag and put it on my face and I fell and fell into a big black place. Then I was on da bed and he was touching me and I couldnt move, and I couldnt stop him! The child began to sob, uncontrollably. Its not your fault, Sissy. You didnt do anything wrong. He hurt you because he was sick, and didnt know what he was doing. Love doesnt hurt, Sissy. He was very sick. He didnt know he was lying to you, because he was too sick to know that, but he was lying to you. You are not evil. Your body is not evil. Love doesnt hurt, Sissy. You dont need pain to feel love. You dont need pain just to remember. From now on you will remember without pain. Christy, from now on you will be able to remember without the spanking ritual. You are not bad. You do not need to be punished just to remember the pain in your life. The Meathos and I will help you to remember without the need for even more pain, without the need to be physically punished. What happened to you did not happen because you were bad. You are not bad and you dont need to be punished.
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Love is not painful, and your body is not evil. God will not throw you into a lake of fire. You will get through this and you will set yourself free from this need for pain. You did nothing wrong. You dont need to be punished anymore. Rest now. Let the Meathos help you to understand. Release the pain, just let it go now. Rest. Rest in the Meathos care. I awoke in my bed and again Aranon was seated in a chair beside me. As I turned to look at him he smiled. I apologize, he said, softly. I was wrong. You did need that. You were right. It was a key. I think you will understand why as we work through this terrifying and twisted experience. Just remember, it is in the past. It has happened, and you survived it, although for a few minutes I was unsure you would. Your body died for a short time, even as it did back then, at the time this happened and that probably shocked your abuser. your abuser as well. As the result of what this man did to you, what he beat into you during the sexual abuse, punishment for your sins became the key to unlocking the memory. You instinctively knew that the But then somehow, after the event, you revived. That probably shocked
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only way to unlock it was to be punished by someone who loved you. The pain had to synchronize with the pain of the experience itself, in order to provide a conduit through which the memories could flow. The pain had to be physically close to the original experience in order to awaken the cellular memory. I am grateful that there was only minimal physical damage and that the Meathos was able to heal that easily. We are going to need to go through this again. You know that. There is a little three-year-old child who calls herself Sissy, who is going to need your love and your validation. You and Lynn will eventually need to share your eyes with her. She is going to need lots of love without pain, lots of chances to experience life as a happy adventure and not a terrifying experience that promises nothing but pain. I will help with that, if you are willing to allow me to do so. I was in shock. The images of the experience raced through my mind, ripping and tearing at my heart. I didnt reply to him, I just sobbed. He moved to the bed and pulled me into his arms and held me, silently crying with me.
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Twenty-Six
After a long nap and something to eat, Aranon had us back in the conversation area. When I asked about Piddles, he reminded to me that he had taken Piddles to back to Sam and Jeannies house, as the work we would be doing would not lend itself well to the needs of the dog. But what about Lynn? I asked. I thought that the dog was good for her. She and I agreed on this the night we took Piddles to Remmies house. She realizes now that she is responsible and
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that although things might be a little scary, she will not interfere in our work, although she is allowed to come out at any time to talk about how it is affecting her. Are you willing to agree to that? Sure, I replied, wondering how that last memory affected her. Shes probably scared stiff over that last memory. Maybe you should talk to her. When shes ready, shell let you know. Then you can let me know. It is important that you talk with her from time to time, and that she let you know about her feelings. The more you talk to each other, the easier things will become for both of you. Okay. Are you ready to discuss the memory you last visited? Not really, I said, not wanting to go there. But you understand that it is an important part of the healing process? Yeah, its just really awful. I thought what happened to Lynn was awful, but this is really awful. Define awful. Too painful to bare. Overwhelming terror. Okay, so maybe we need to take our discussion into the Meathos, so that you can obtain the strength and the support you need to face it once again. Yeah, thats probably best for all of us. I got up and started
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for the pool. Lets do a full interface, shall we? Thats where you lie down in the Meathos and I plug in. That way I will be feeling everything that you feel, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I know I have told you this before, but I am telling the others too. I will be there with you. I laid down in the Meathos and then breathed deeply. I was getting used to breathing in it. It felt heavy at first, but you get so much more oxygen from just a little breath, that it was actually easier than breathing air. And the Meathos invades every orifice, whether you hold your breath or not, so your body is constantly getting oxygen even if you dont breathe at all. I lay down on the bottom of the pool and closed my eyes and waited for Aranon to speak to me. All right now, Christy. We are going to go back into the experience. This time I want you to imagine me standing beside you, holding your hand. We will step into the scene together, as observers. Sissy will show us where to start. I imagined him there beside me, and he appeared, just as Meestra does, as though he were flesh and blood. He reached for my hand and I gave it to him. We took a step forward and stood in what appeared to be an old basement. Sissy, a sweet little toe headed child with a little round face and the most startling blue
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eyes, bounced a tiny ball before us. She was wearing blue corduroy bib overalls and a pink, puffy sleeved shirt. She had on white high topped leather shoes, and socks with pink and blue ruffles fluffed from the tops of them. Her face was alight with delight as she bounced the tiny ball and it shot all the way to the sealing, while she squealed with joy. It bounced wildly around the room and she chased it, laughing and giggling, trying to catch it. Then, the joy came to an end as the ball rolled, silently down a drain in the middle of the basement. Sissy crouched down in front of the drain, her lower lip quivering, and then she started to cry. Whats wrong, Sis, came a voice from across the room. A man stood there, with a box in his arms. It went down the dwain! Cried Sissy. Its all gone! The man put down the box, and came over to look down the drain. He was wearing gray slacks and a tan, short sleeved shirt, which seemed to be clean and well pressed in spite of the seemingly dirty work he was doing. His hair was gray and cut medium short, and was combed straight back from his face. He had a thin, relatively unwrinkled face, dark eyes and a kind smile. Come upstairs with me, and Ill find you another one. I think I have one in my closet. He took her little hand in his, and together we all ascended wooden stairs. As we entered the kitchen, I could see cabinets with glass doors above the counter
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top, filled with shining dishes and glasses. On the bottom, the cabinets had curtains instead of doors. The window over the sink provided the room with only a dimly defused light. We continued to follow as the man led Sissy through a dining room and then through a living room that smelled like pipe tobacco. Off the living room were two closed doors. The man opened the second door and we tagged along as Sissy followed him into the room. He opened another door and began rummaging around in the bottom of a closet. Sissy wandered around the room. There were two beds, with crucifixes hanging on the wall over the headboards. They had matching beige, brocade bedspreads. Between the beds was a nightstand upon which sat a lamp and an alarm clock. Behind the nightstand was a window covered with half open blinds. On the wall where the closet was, stood a large chest of drawers on top of which sat black and white photos of the man and presumably his wife in filigreed silver frames. Over the Dresser hung a painting of Jesus praying in the Garden Of Gethsemane, as shafts of light streamed down from heaven and bathed his earnest features with an ethereal light. Sissy climbed up and sat down on the farthest bed, to wait for the man to find her a new ball. The man stood up and smoothed his hair back, shaking his head. I was sure there was one in here, he said.
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Then he looked around and saw Sissy sitting on the bed and his face changed. Something crazy slid down across his features, and his eyes seemed to flash. He reached out and grabbed Sissys arm and pulled her off the bed, shocking her to silence. Now you are dirty! He shouted, his features all twisted up. Now I am going to have to give you a bath! He jerked her arm again and pulled her through another door, next to the closet, which led into a small bathroom. Nestled into the space along one wall stood an old-fashioned bathtub with high sides and a rounded back, standing on porcelain clawed feet, upon the hardwood floor. He turned on the water as Sissy struggled to get away from him, sobbing loudly. I dont wana baff! I wana go home. I want my mommy! You sat on her bed! You could be infected! I have to give you a bath! He yelled over her screams and sobs, slamming the door and sliding a slip lock in place, too high for Sissy to reach. Then he began to remove her clothes. She fought valiantly, at one point biting him on the hand. That was when he reached into a cabinet, above the sink, for a small brown bottle. I could see the label. I could read the label! There was a skull and crossbones on it and the word Chloroform. Jeeze! He opened another cabinet and took out a washcloth, while Sissy sobbed and tried to make the door open. He poured some
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of the liquid from the bottle into the washcloth he had balled up in his hand and then grabbed Sissy and put the cloth over her mouth and nose. She continued to struggle for a moment and then fell to the floor. A swirl of darkness enveloped us, and it felt like we were falling into a deep, black pit. It was a horrible sensation and made me want to vomit. Slowly sensation began to return and I could feel my body again. Aranon appeared and took my hand and we stepped back into the dimly lit bedroom. We watched as Mr. Eddy, now stripped to his underwear, taped Sissys wrists to her ankles with hospital type surgical tape. The man worked as a male nurse in a VA hospital. Then, as Sissy stirred, he started to massage her, between the legs, on her genitalia. I was feeling sick, and turned away, not wanting to see the rest. I was sickened by what I knew was coming and I couldnt bear to watch this skinny old man hurt this sweet little child. She was so very small! Her eyes were filled with such terror, as he hit her with the palms of his hands, all over her naked body, with stinging, resounding slaps. Please, Aranon, I cant watch anymore. Please! Stay with her. She needs you, talk to her. Tell her you are here and that you can help her with the pain. Take her hand in pull her from her body.
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I reached out, with my eyes half shut, not wanting to see what he was doing to her now. I grabbed her arm and told her to trust me and pulled her from that tiny little body on the bed. She came to me, again as though she were flesh and blood, and I took her in my arms and held her as she sobbed. Im here, I said softly. You dont have to live through that ever again! I will protect you. I will keep you safe. Her little body relaxed and I rocked her, gently. She put her thumb in her mouth and then rubbed the tears from her eyes with her other fist. God, she was so little, so precious. Why had he done this? This was the man that had saved our life when we were severely burned. This was the man that had joined us on family picnics and took us out to eat a couple times a month. This was the man who appeared in one out of every seven photos of my family during that period of my life. He wasnt just a neighbor he was a family friend. How could he hurt her like this? Aranon, why did he do this? He had what is called a functional mental illness. For all due intents and purposes he appeared normal, did his job well, and took care of his home and himself. It appears that he was somewhat obsessive compulsive, with the constant need to clean and be clean. His house was immaculate, the beds made, his clothing clean and pressed even as he cleaned his basement. It
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appears that the other bed in the room belonged to his wife. Do you know where she was at this time? I am pretty sure she was dead. He lived alone as long as my family knew him. We may never know what she died of, but he felt that it was infectious. A clue might be the fact that he needed to bathe Sissy, and then sexually molest her to save her from the evils of her body. There is a chance that his wife died of some sort of sexually transmitted disease, possibly syphilis, and he was seeking to save Sissy from the same fate. This seems to fit with his shift in character and his need to bathe her before he gave her this lesson in the evils of her body. But maybe he had it and gave it to me? This scared me because I knew that it could hide in your body for years before becoming active. You do not have the disease. We would have known. But it may have been dormant in him. The question is moot, for there is no way to test him for it. So what was wrong with him? I asked, still unable to imagine that this family friend could have done this to me at such a young age. I have no way of knowing without examining him. It appears that he was very religious, as evidenced by the crucifixes over the
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beds and the religious painting over the dresser. Religious distortions are a major contributor to mental illness in your society and can drive otherwise sane individuals to do incomprehensible things in the name of God and what they believe to be righteousness. There is no doubt that he was struggling with emotional and religious distortions. There is also no doubt that he truly believed that he could somehow save you from what he believed to be the wickedness of a womans sensuality. Unfortunately, what he actually wound up doing was setting you up for further abuses, by generating an awareness of your sexuality and stimulating your body to produce hormones that are generally not present until puberty. This caused you to have sexual needs long before it was biologically appropriate. Yes, I said, I can see that now. I had the need to rub myself down there all the time and I masturbated openly from a very early age. How did your parents respond to that? They ignored behaviors that were strange or embarrassing. I guess they hoped I would grow out of them. So your provocative behaviors began early, drawing even more abuse. I am certain that there are more incidents that we will need to look at. This one though is pivotal. This is the one that drove a wedge between you and God.
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Actually, after this, at about the age of four, I replied, I started investigating different churches. I went to different Sunday school classes with my neighbor friends, and even had my dad drive me many miles to a Christian Science Church because I felt unusually comfortable there. Even at that age I was driven to discover who this God was that was going to toss me into a lake of fire. I wanted to know what He wanted from me. I wanted to know how to get on His good side. Yes, Im sure you did. So how can I look at this and not hate this man that my whole family loved and trusted; this man that shattered my life and messed up my sexuality? You tell me, he said, smiling at me, and then my little threeyear-old self in my arms. He was sick, but thats no excuse. I could see on his face that he was enjoying himself when he was doing it to me. It makes me so sick I want to throw up! How could a grown man enjoy having sex with a screaming three year old? He may have thought that his climax was a gift from God, a sign that he was doing the right thing. Jesus, Aranon! How sick can one get? That sick, he said, nodding at the scene still playing out before us.
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I looked and saw Sissys tiny body being ravaged by this man, and wanted to kill him. Suddenly, Sissys little body disappeared from my arms, and then Lynn appeared beside me. This is the day that Sissy died and I was born, she said, as a tear slid from her eye. He took her body out and dumped it behind a bush in the alley. He dumped her there, naked. He thought she was dead, but I came and I made the heart start beating, and I made the lungs take a breath. And then I went home. I went up on the porch, naked. My daddy was watching TV. I got in his lap. He never said anything about me being naked, he just held me while he watched a ball game. Then Ma, came out to give him a sandwich mommy made him and saw me, naked and dirty, and she got my mommy and made her take me into the house and give me a bath, yelling about my being naked, outside, where everyone could see. Thank you, Lynn, for telling us that, said Aranon, gently. Who was Ma, if not your mother? My Grandma, she said. My daddys mommy. Did anyone ask you what had happened and where your clothes were? Just Ma. She always fussed over us. She yelled at mommy for letting me go outside without any clothes, but mommy said I was dressed when I went out to play. She asked me where my
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clothes were, but I didnt know. I was just new then. I didnt know this is what happened. Only just now, when I saw, I knew. I knew this was the day I was borned. I am glad that you were willing to come and share that with us, Lynn. Aranon smiled at her, a smile filled with love and compassion. Would you be willing to take care of Sissy, and show her how to look out of Christys eyes? Okay, she said. Thank you Lynn, you are such a good girl, and so responsible. I am very proud of you. Lynn beamed, smiling broadly. I can be really, really good, she said. I will be good to Sissy, and play with her and then we dont have to be alone. That would be very, very good of you, said Aranon. I think you should go now and take care of her, so she isnt all alone. Okay, replied Lynn, smiling and then... poof, she was gone. Aranon took my hand and smiled at me. Its time to allow the Meathos to soothe and heal you. Then, we will talk again. You did well. I am proud of you, Christy. Now, just let the scene fade, and allow your special angel to come to you and to nurture you. I turned and walked away from the scene in the bedroom. Soon, Meestra met me and gathered me into her arms and took me to the beautiful city in the etheric, where I could feel her love
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heal me from the sickening pain in my heart and my soul. I awoke in my bed, Aranon in his chair. He smiled at me as I opened my eyes and looked at him. Can you forgive that sick man? He asked. If I didnt know he was already dead, I would kill him, I said. And what would that solve? I guess nothing. It happened. I survived, as you are always so ready to point out. Of course my life has been a living hell, but who cares. I care, but hate will not end that hell, nor will it open you to healing. All hate does is poison the hater. The one who is hated generally doesnt know or care. If he did know, all it would do is validate for him that you are tainted, evil, because you cannot see the love behind what he did. How could that be love? I said, a little too loudly. I was still angry and hateful. In his mind it was love. In his mind he was saving you from a fate worse than death. He believed that he was saving you from eternal damnation. Yeah, but he was nuts! I said, still shouting my anger. Yes, he was. He didnt know the damage he was doing. He couldnt see the wrong in it. He was too sick to see these things.
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He was in deep psychological and spiritual pain. His religion had twisted him, and he didnt even know it. I wonder if when he died, God threw him into that lake of fire? I said, hoping maybe it was true. Maybe, in his consciousness, that was what he experienced. Maybe, in his consciousness, he was welcomed into Heaven for the selfless act of liberating you from a sinful life. Huh? People tend to experience what they believe they will experience after death. At least for a while until they are able to shrug off the distortions of their previous life. Then they are shown how their actions affected those with whom they had contact in that life. Then, they are shown how their actions will one day have to be balanced by experiences in a subsequent life. He will have to experience something in his next life or in a future life, that will place him in a commensurate position, so that he can feel that pain and that terror and then have to overcome it. It is a Natural Law. It is called The Law of Reciprocity. The Hippies have a saying that expresses it nicely. What goes around comes around. It may not be today, or even in this life, but what you give out, regardless of your intent, you will get back. Eventually, he too will have to face that same pain and the same life-shattering events. Eventually, he may even stand here, where you are, seeking help,
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seeking release. If that occurs, and I am here, I will give him the same love and respect that I now give to you. Every soul is worthy. Every individual has the right to healing if they ask for it. So in some other life, someone will hurt him like he hurt me? Yes. Then that means I hurt someone like this and that I went through this awful experience in this life because of that? Yes. What did I do? Tell me! I cant stand the thought that I did something like this to someone else! Its awful! How could I ever do this sort of thing to another human being? You were, most probably, driven by a delusion that made it right in your mind. Show me! I want to know! If it will help you to forgive him, I will agree to take you back to what generated this event in this life. If I can see how what I did that caused this, yes, okay, Ill forgive him. You will have to reenter the Meathos and ask to be taken to the life that precipitated this event. I immediately got up off the bed and walked into the Meathos, submerging myself. I knew that he would go and plug
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in. I was interested in getting there, as soon as I could. I called Meestra and asked her to show me the life in which I had harmed this man who had harmed me as a child. She agreed to do so. Suddenly, I was a man standing before a young boy, who stood naked before me. I was telling him that he would, one day, come to see the good in what I was about to do. I was praying that his mind, his consciousness would transcend his body and connect with the Divine Warrior within him. After this prayer, I floged this child incessantly, with a whip made from many thin strips of hardened leather. It was my job to toughen this child, amongst many male children to become Spartans, Greek Warriors. Boys were not even accepted into this training until they could sublimate the pain of this abusive act. Over a period of days and weeks, I continued to beat this child, and others to teach them to sublimate the pain. At every opportunity, I did this, hoping the boy would call upon the gods to release him from the pain, to open him to the warriors strength, that lay beyond the pain of the body, but he was either unwilling or unable to do this. I came to enjoy our times together, even as they terrorized him. I felt that this terror would force him to make that connection, but not too soon, as I enjoyed beating him, forcing him to obey, forcing him to accept his place as a Spartan Warrior. I was
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exhilarated by his pain, and was having the most delicious emotional releases of my life, at his expense. I was transported to heavenly places, and emptied of all my own pain, and the memories of my own painful initiations. I reveled in his pain! I lost myself in the ecstasy of it, as he screamed and cried and begged for me to stop! I could feel those explosions of release, and could feel the intense spirituality of it. It didnt sicken me, as I thought it would. It was exciting! It was wonderful! Then, the young boy, filled with shame and hatred for himself at not being able to transcend the pain that I inflicted upon him, went to the most holy alter within the temple at Delphi and cut his own throat as an offering to the gods for his inadequacies. I was devastated, for I loved him more than any of my other charges. He was not only beautiful and physically pleasing, but he was me, as I had been in the beginning of my training. For the rest of my life, I prayed unceasingly for his soul. I prayed that the gods would give him release and a special place in the land of transcended souls. I prayed that I would one day meet him again; to complete our ritual and that this time it would set him free. As the full force of this memory hit me, I was filled with shame and self-loathing. I sobbed within the Meathos, feeling dirty, feeling evil. I could not believe that I had done that! I didnt
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want to believe that I could have been responsible for such abuse, such pain, in the name of Spartan training! I didnt want to believe that I had enjoyed his pain. I also didnt want to believe that this sweet boy who strove to serve Greece, to please me, his Trainer, was the man who had abused me in this life. I was stricken with horror and disgust at what I had done to him. I realized that if this were true, then I was only reaping the Karma, as the Hippies called it, for my past life behavior. I did this to myself, by not considering the effect I was having on that poor little boy. I did this to myself by reveling in his pain, by actually enjoying the process that would eventually lead to the destruction of this child. I loathed myself. I felt like garbage. I wanted to die, right then. You were only doing what you were taught to do. You were only following the tradition of your warrior beliefs. Said Aranon, gently. You didnt know it was wrong. You had gone through it yourself. It was a rite of passage. Your delight in his pain was born out of your own past experiences. You believed that you obtained your pleasure and release as a gift from the gods for having transcended your own pain. Abuse was not a concept you even considered. You were only acting out of what you had been taught through your own rite of passage. Can you forgive yourself for what you did to this child, that you loved with all your heart and
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soul? I dont know, I said, feeling deeply stricken with selfloathing and sadness. You didnt know any other life. You didnt know any other reality. How could you have conducted yourself differently with what you thought and believed and imagined to be true at that time? How could I have enjoyed causing such pain? Because it was a release from your own pain. Can you see how that would have generated joy in you? I am sickened by what I did. My heart breaks with the knowing of it. Go back, look at what you thought, what you believed, look at your own initiations. I was swiftly transported back to that life, to the body of a child being flogged, struggling to accept the pain as strength, to accept the pain as right and good. I too screamed and cried and struggled to sublimate the pain by concentrating on becoming a great warrior; by concentrating on pleasing my trainer, so that I might become strong by seeing the truth behind lifes painful experiences. I remembered when it became euphoria. I remembered how exalting that euphoria became and how invincible I felt, dreaming of the day when I would march into
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battle and slay my enemies. I dreamed of becoming a commander, marching a great army to a victory for Greece. I could do nothing else, I said, sadly. I was trained to do what I did. Yes. I have to forgive myself. I didnt know anything else. I was trapped in a belief system that could have led me nowhere else. Yes. There is no choice. I have to forgive this man of my childhood too. Yes, he said, his voice laden with compassion. If he truly was that boy, I forgive him. I am sorry for what happened to him. I am sorry for what happened to me. Thats my girl, said Aranon, softly. And as you forgive both yourself and him you have broken the karmic circle. Never again will you be drawn together to terrorize one another. Never again will you abuse one another. In your next encounter, whenever that may come, you will nurture one another with unconditional love and give one another a long awaited peace. I hope so. And so it shall be, replied Aranon. Because of your willingness to look, to understand and in the honesty of unconditional love, to forgive; you have decreased the cycle of
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abuse by two worthy souls, maybe even more. For as you forgive, and allow love for this one to enter your soul, you release others who were caught up in that cycle of pain and abuse as well. Just imagine the possibility that you have set a thousand souls free today, with your forgiveness of just one confused and misguided soul. It is your destiny to release souls from their pain; by releasing your own pain and forgiving those who generated it; as the result of your interactions with them in your present and past lives. You and many like you can free the Earth from its dark destiny, with just the willingness to forgive. I applaud you, and all the others who may come here for understanding and release. It is through the willingness of each of you; to connect with your past, with your part in it and then through the healing power of unconditional love, to forgive; that your Earth will survive.
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Twenty-Seven
After a good nights sleep and breakfast, Aranon suggested that we go to the beach. At first I was taken aback, and then the idea became exciting. We went to supply and got suits and towels and then went to Top Side where Aranon obtained a vehicle we could use to get to the beach, which was about 30 miles from the Top Side dome. What kind of fuel does this car take? I asked. It looked like a Jeep, but it road like a Rolls Royce. It contains a specialized synthesizer that produces a clean hydrogen based energy, as it is needed. There is a battery, of
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sorts, that charges as the vehicle is being used, which starts the production of the fuel when one turns on the engine and then the fuel continues to regenerate, as long as the vehicle is running. It never needs refueling, although the battery may need to be replaced about every three years. I sure wish they had cars like this on my planet. Unfortunately, the way your planets economy is set up, getting a vehicle like this introduced into the mass market would be about as easy as teaching a pig to sing. He swerved to miss an animal on the dirt roadway. I am surprised at how well it handles and how comfortable the ride is. Well, I suppose that in terms of what you are used to, it probably does feel pretty comfortable. It has independent fourwheel drive, rack and pinion steering and each wheel has an independent suspension system. Back when this vehicle was made, there were no roads, not even graded dirt roads. The vehicle can also support its own atmosphere, because back then, there was very little atmosphere within the planets biosphere, so all vehicles had to have their own atmospheric generators in order for workers and scientists to travel from dome to dome without the need to get into pressure suits. There is probably still a pressure suite pack in the back. All vehicles had to carry them just in case
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of emergencies. How can we change the way things are done on my planet, so that we can save the atmosphere and the water? Thats a good question. We are still trying to find ways to do that without causing the collapse of your world economy. At this time almost all of the nations on your planet depend heavily on fossil fuels, and the ones who control those fossil fuels have a great deal of power to maintain things the way they are. So are you saying that it would take either an act of God, or the destruction of our society as we know it to discontinue our societys dependence on fossil fuel? That is a possibility. The problem lies in your system of economy, based on money, drawn on the availability of precious metals and gems. The struggle to control the energy resources of society is based upon wealth and the political power that comes from that wealth. This type of setup invariably leads to the control of the few, over the needs of the many. So how can we do away with money? I mean everyone deserves an honest wage for honest work? Credit for ones creativity and productivity need not be based upon a medium of exchange, such as rare metals and gems, or the availability of fossil fuel. Individuals could receive credit for creative and productive activities based upon their efforts alone. I
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suppose that it could be called the barter system, but it is more than that. So how would it work? An individual does a job. He is the one who decides what his job is worth, in the way of credit. If he places too high a value on his efforts, he will probably not acquire many takers, unless his talent is rare or extraordinary. Those who do decide that his talent or his capabilities are worth the price will trade their own earned credits as a medium for exchange in obtaining whatever that individual produces or is able to deliver in the way of services. Credits will be based solely on ones capacity to produce goods or services. But that is money, isnt it? No, it is credit for ones efforts, ones productivity. It is not based on substances that are cashed somewhere in a vault, or upon a product, such as oil, that many need, but is horded by a few to maintain power over the needs of the many. It is truly an honest wage for honest work. The individual can save up his credits and purchase goods and services with them, just as your society saves money, but credits will be based solely upon what one does, not on what one has. It sounds like money to me. That is the sticking point. It is difficult for your society to
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comprehend a world without money and the power that it builds in the lives of some and the dependency that it generates in the lives of others. In the credit-based economy, it is not what you have, but rather, what you are willing to do that counts. Yes, certain individuals will amass a great deal of credits, by what they do, but those credits belong to only that individual, and are not transferable to another without an exchange of services, even in death. Everything that one accrues as the result of their efforts is returned to the general availability upon their death. But what about the wives and children of those who have accumulated a lot during their life. What happens to them? Children are always taken care of, and those who are unable to produce, either because of a physical or a mental disability are also taken care of until they have been trained to provide a service that they are capable of offering or have developed skills that deserve personal credit. But how will familys stay together in the face of the death of the so called bread winner? The society will be ones family. The nuclear family, as you know it, is a flawed concept. It does provide a modicum of support and continuity in your society, but with that support and continuity comes a great deal of distortion that actually injures individuals as well as promotes the amplification of those distortions for
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generations to come. The real shift in your society, as far as a fair and impartial system is concerned, will come when all children are raised in centers dedicated to protecting and serving them, by those who have dedicated their lives to the care and welfare of children. This will require a total shift in thinking concerning heirs and ownership. You see, children need consistency, and the constant availability of love and attention. This is not to say that parents will have no say in the upbringing of their children. It just means that children will obtain a balanced and contiguous availability of guidance and support during their formative years. Parents would be encouraged to participate in this process, but are relieved of the responsibilities of the day-to-day process of child rearing. Without the possibility for personal gain, through the accruing of funds without individual productivity, either by inheritance or theft, society will change radically. There will be no more power barons, or idle rich. There will be no children roaming the streets, seeking opportunities though which to take advantage of others for the purposes of personal gain and power. Children would be taught a curriculum of subjects, voted upon by concerned parents that would reflect the combined philosophy of the masses. They would also receive continuous guidance and support, in spite of the capacity or the incapacity of the parents to
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provide housing, education and emotional support for them. They would never be left to their own devices, forming gangs and creating havoc, for they would always have a structured environment and individuals to turn to who are skilled in meeting their emotional, psychological and intellectual needs for stimulation and support. I dont think that would go over well with many of the people in my society. There are too many people who dont like anything the government does, and if the government tried to take away their children, you would have a civil war. Yes, I know. The power mongers, the religious fanatics, those who need to control the lives and the minds of others, especially children, to propagate their unique and revered traditions. Unfortunately, much of the crime and many of the psychological disturbances in your society can be traced to those philosophies and religions that seek to control the hearts and minds of the masses. They fear any concepts that are based upon the development of a one-world government and of a spiritually ecumenical society. These are the nationalists, the religionists who are led by those who value power and control over the needs of the many for the values of the few. These are the individuals who would make all subservient to their distorted perceptions of justice, God and the value of the individual. They
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have a lot of power on your world. So how can that be changed? Through a process of education and guidance that values each individual, and their right to be autonomous, self supporting and self directed. The society that you come from is leaning in this direction, but is hampered by strong factions, made up of individuals who are led by and educated by these factions. This power struggle cannot come to an end until the majority can see the fallacies inherent in these factions. But they think they are right! They think that society should be based upon religious principles; upon the ideals and the ethics, that they believe were ordained by God. Much of what they say speaks to the hearts of many people. Then those principles and philosophies will prevail. In a society where each individual has a say, those beliefs and customs that speak to the heart of the many will become the agreed upon format for all to follow. But they believe that the education of the children should be left in the hands of the parents and the churches. If this was the consensus of the many, than this would become the accepted norm. Unfortunately, in your society, the choices of the many are dependent upon the power of a few. This power is not determined by the masses, but by the financial and
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physical resources of those who would control them. Often it is determined by whoever has the biggest, most powerful weapons. And what do the children learn? That might makes right, that forcing others to obey, through coercion, depravation and the threat of physical harm is the appropriate way to maintain control and to impose ones philosophy on those who are not in agreement. Where is God? This God of love who accepts all and denies no one? But the concept of God varies amongst the many factions. Some dont believe that God accepts everyone. Some think that if you are gay, or if you dont believe in Jesus, then you are not worthy of Gods love, that you are damned. And are those who believe this in the majority? Probably not, or we would live in a religious state. And yet these individuals with their beliefs and practices are responsible for raising thousands of children, who have no say in your society. These children are responsible for nearly a third of the crime and almost a quarter of the cases of mental illness and child abuse in your country alone. What does that say to you? That they are not very good at raising kids? Or that their viewpoint is often toxic and destructive. Okay, but how do you propose that we remedy that without becoming a police state? Without taking away the right of all to
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pursue life on their own terms? By first doing away with your monetary system, and then by establishing a form of government that is truly designed and implemented by the majority, and not just by those who have the financial superiority to control the decisions. No one is going to go for that. My society is too dependent on money and its power to provide the grease that makes the wheels turn. Yes, that is the problem. They only way that your society can hope to survive is through the dissolution of money and then a grass roots development of a society based on the communal rearing of children by individuals who have dedicated their lives to fulfilling their needs and insuring that all have the same opportunities in life, according to their willingness and capabilities. But what about the disabled, the retarded, the emotionally disturbed? Even their opportunities are determined by their willingness to work, to be of service and to recover. They do not have to produce as though they had a college degree. Nevertheless, they too can deliver specific commodities and services and assist others. There is no doubt that an individual who feels that they are helping, that they are doing something worthwhile, that others
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need, is healthier, happier and more emotionally secure. Those who have nothing to do, and are barred from so-called normal pursuits because they are deemed incapable of normal, productive lives due to their disabilities tend to fair rather poorly. Of course, those who are incapable of surviving without constant care and assistance will be cared for. An enlightened society always cares for those who cannot care for themselves. But the truth is, those societies that provide equal opportunities and advantages for all, have less incidences of disability and dependency than those that do not. Well I only have your word for that. But let me ask you this, what about Archana? They have families. They raise their own kids. First of all, Archana is a psychically communal society, in spite of their practice of raising their children in nuclear family structures. Their children are guided and reared by the Sensarians, and given added support and love by the extended family of clans and social organizations. They are never without guidance as children, and are always taught that they have futures filled with unlimited possibilities. The Meathos also plays an important part in expanding their horizons and fostering their openness to change and diversity. If it were possible to base all societies on the unique structure of Archanian society, then all
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societies would hold the same promise of being as balanced and open as theirs. So what are the chances of my race surviving into the next century? This was back in 1967, mind you. Fairly good. The major effects of global warming, brought on by pollution, will not really generate any major problems until close to the mid twenty-first century. Even that may be forestalled, due to our efforts at shifting the social consciousness. It all depends upon the willingness of the masses to stand up for their individual integrity and to care for and properly educate the children. Nevertheless, as long as your planet and its races remain factional, governed by the ideologies of nationalism, racism and religious seperativeness, each faction vying for power and control over the masses, it is in jeopardy of international lawlessness, terrorism and finally self destruction. Not a very pretty picture, I said, feeling a deep sadness for my home planet, Earth. That is why we need people like you, people who have overcome personally destructive patterns of thinking and living, people who have risen above their personal losses and tribulations and have dedicated themselves to assisting others in doing the same. We need healers and teachers and sages who are willing to live according to natural law, and assist others in
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doing likewise. We need individuals who are willing to judge no one, and yet are willing to be judged by their peers, according to the fruits of their lives and still maintain inner harmony and express unconditional love and acceptance to all who would judge them. What you need is an army of Gandhis. Close, he said. What we need is an army of individuals who are so secure in themselves that they do not need to use others to insure their security. A group of individuals who understand the power of unconditional love and acceptance, who recognize the Spiritual Force that underlies all things as being unconcerned with race, or with nationality, or with dogma, but is none the less fully involved with the evolution of life, rewarding productivity as well as the willingness to share all gains equally. But you are working on that, right? In as much as those with whom we work are willing to shift their thinking and their lifestyles to reflect these things in their lives, yes. But you are having some success, right? I mean, otherwise you would have given up long ago. Yes, we are having some success. More now in your present time than in the past decade, for conditions on your world are becoming more obvious, even to those who in the past
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refused to acknowledge the signs of a future filled with environmental dissolution and racial genocide. So there is hope? Yes, there is hope. Finally, we came over a rise and the seashore spread out before us. There before us lay a white sandy beach with breakers flowing in, smashing against the rocky faces of cliffs and a barrier reef that protected the calm waters and the glittering sands of a natural cove. Birds soared over the waves, in search of a meal, and silver edged fluffy white clouds scudded across a violet blue sky. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Aranon parked the vehicle on a rise above the shoreline and we carried the provisions he had packed in the back of the vehicle down to the shore. After a couple of trips we had set up a folding picnic table for lunch and loaded it with cold boxes of food and drinks, laid out a blanket for basking in the sun, and brought down a box of toys for my inner family of kids to play with while enjoying the surf, the sand and the sun. You can put your suit on in the vehicle if you like, he said; as he removed his already sand laden shoes. I went back to the vehicle and changed into the one-piece bathing suit that Lynn insisted that we choose. It was more like an
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exercise suit. It covered us from neck to mid-thigh, with short sleeves on the arms and shorts on the upper legs, but yet one piece. It was made out of something very stretchy and yet had a tight fit when on, so that we could get into it easily and yet would not slip off when waterlogged. After dressing in the suit, we grabbed a towel and walked back down to the beach barefooted, enjoying the feeing of the sand between our toes. Can I go into the water? I asked, dropping my towel on the blanket. Thats what we came here for. Aranon smiled and sat down on the blanket. At some point while I was changing, he had changed into his suit as well. This time he was wearing bright yellow trunks that set off his tawny skin and golden eyes, eyes that sparkled in the light of the two suns. There arent any denizens of the deep that I need to be worried about here, is there? Not today. Ive sent them all away. He flashed me an impish grin. I laughed at his flip answer and his silly grin as I stepped into the gentle surf. Then I thought about it and wondered if he was just being funny or if he actually had arranged for this cove to be made safe, just for me, just for today. I looked back at him, sitting on the colorful red and blue plaid blanket and he waved at me,
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still grinning. As I walked into the water I was immediately struck by the fact that it was warm. I was reminded of the time I had gone with my parents to visit my grandparents in Florida. The surf was warm there too, even on that January day. I remembered sitting down in the surf, just letting the waves wash over me, feeling warmed by them. I repeated this now; sitting down in the surf and once again allowing the waves wash over me. As I sat there I continued to remember that trip to Florida, through the Southern states and the disparity of lifestyles between the whites and the blacks. The blacks often lived in ramshackle shacks, their children playing in the muddy, unpaved streets, half dressed, usually barefoot even in January. Not far away were large manor houses, and plantations with ornate rod iron fences and statues of little black boys holding up lanterns on the expansive lawns. I remembered how when we stopped to eat at a restaurant, there were sections for blacks and sections for whites, restrooms for blacks and whites, and even drinking fountains for blacks and whites. This was back in 1962, before the process of social integration between blacks and whites had begun. I wondered if there was any hope for my planet, fraught with racial strife, bigotry and separatism. A planet where a war was almost always in progress, and where human beings did the most
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despicable things to one another in the name of God or nationalism. A planet rife with social oppression, crime and violence. Could the answer be as easy as doing away with money and taking better care of our children? Suddenly, I was aware of Lynn, wanting to play, asking me to retrieve a toy from the box beside the blanket where Aranon sat. I got up and walked back to the blanket and pawed through the inflatable toys until Lynn found the one she wanted. Then, I sat down beside Aranon to blow up the huge beach ball she had chosen. Here, he said, as I struggled to blow up the ball, let me do that. He took the ball from me and had it blown up in less time than it had taken for me to find it. He handed it to me. Is this for you, or did one of the others ask for it? He queried. Lynn wanted it, I replied. Lynn, come here, he said, and I felt myself slip back as Lynn took center stage. She smiled at him, as she took over the body. Will you play with me? she asked, batting her eyes seductively, although her demeanor was playful, not sexual. Sure, replied Aranon. What would you like me to do?
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Catch the ball! She shouted, while on the run, tossing the ball at him. He caught the ball and tossed it back to her and she fumbled it. It flowed toward him on the surf and he retrieved it. Youll have to do better than that if we are going to play catch, he laughed, tossing the ball back to her. She came to a stop, and then became ridged as she stood in the surf; watching the ball come toward her and then bouncing off of her, being once again carried back to Aranon on the surf. He realized at once that a trigger had been tripped and he was either going to have to deal with it now or find a way to shift the focus so that we could continue to enjoy this day at the beach. Lynn, maybe we need to find a different toy. This big ball seems to be too hard for you to catch. He reached into the box and pulled out a plastic pail and a plastic shovel. How about we build a sand castle? Lynn stood there, ridged for a moment, and then started walking toward him. Okay, she agreed, seemingly unaware of her momentary episode. For about an hour, Aranon and Lynn built a sand castle of elaborate dimensions, with towers and turrets and even a mote. Wow! Said Lynn, pouring a final bucket of water into the mote that surrounded their fantastic castle. This is really neat!
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Thanks for helping me make it. It was fun! Said Aranon, grinning at their handiwork. Too bad its not a real castle, where we could go and visit a real king and his knights, lamented Lynn. Oh you probably wouldnt like it much, posed Aranon. Castles were very cold and dank, dark and gloomy. They didnt have electricity and there was no heat and cold breezes blew through them all the time that would chill you to the bone. But kings lived in them and knights and even fair damsels, countered Lynn, her lower lip protruding in a pout. Which would you rather be? He asked. A king, a knight or a fair damsel? A knight. Why is that? Knights had to wear all that heavy armor. It was probably hot and uncomfortable. Because knights slayed dragons and protected the king and saved the fair damsels. Ah, well, that certainly explains it. Obviously you are not the type to sit on a throne all day and tell people what to do, or the type who would sit and do needle point and be waited on hand and foot. No, you are the type who wants to clear the way for others, to help and to protect, and to champion the cause of her king. You must have a very brave heart.
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I do, she said, puffing out her chest and basking in his approval. Yes, I believe you do, little one. What would you like to do next? I wana go swimming. Okay, lets do that. For the next half hour or so, Aranon and Lynn played in the ocean, swimming in races and playing tag. Then Aranon could see that she was getting tired, and suggested that they take a rest. She was slow to agree, begging for one more game of tag, just a few more minutes, and then when Aranon gently insisted, she inched her way from the water, savoring every wave as she did so, finally going to the blanket and tossing herself down like a dejected child. Im hungry, she said finally, after getting over her pouting. Well, thats good, because we have a lot of food here that will just go to waist if someone doesnt eat it. He got up and unpacked the sandwiches that he had brought in the cold chest. He handed her one. She looked it over, tipping up the edge of the bread to see what was in it. Oh goody! Tuna fish! She took a bite and then made a face. It doesnt taste like tuna fish. Thats because its chicken salad, laughed Aranon, taking a
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bite of his own sandwich. Um, good! I guess its okay, she said, polishing off two of the sandwiches before finally falling asleep. Sissy, said Aranon softly, after the body had rested for nearly an hour. Would you like to come out and play in the ocean? Our eyes opened, and Sissy looked up at him, unsure. She immediately thrust her thumb in her mouth. Aranon didnt push her, but rather sat a few feet from her waiting. Finally, she got up and looked out at the sea, at the waves rolling in and then finally tottered to the edge, watching the waves come in and shrieking and laughing as the water lapped at her toes. Aranon joined her at the waters edge, emulating her little dance with the waves, emulating her shrieks and giggles, as she stood daring the waves to tickle her toes. This went on for about twenty minutes and then she got brave enough to sit in the surf. Aranon joined her in that too, not touching her, but accompanying her as she sat in the surf, laughing as the waves roared in and broke over her body, momentarily covering her and then swiftly draining away. Finally, she edged toward him, tired but unwilling to give up this new experience. Then, she climbed into his lap, and thrust her thumb in her mouth once again. She laid her head on his bare chest and closed her eyes, the waves still rushing
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over them. After a few minutes Aranon lifted her up and took her back to the blanket, where she slept until I awoke. Did we have fun? I asked, sitting up. We did. He grinned. By this time the brightest sun had set and the lesser one was near the horizon, coloring the sky with deep purples and florescent pinks. The sea took on an eerie quality, as the naturally phosphorescent plant life in it presented an unusual glow that shifted and changed as the waves rolled in. I wanted to stay forever, but finally, Aranon requested my help in repacking all the stuff and putting it back into the vehicle. When we left, one of the moons had risen, and the sea was glowing brightly in pastel colors. It had been a wonderful day for all of us.
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Twenty-Eight
Do you remember anything after Lynn came forward while we were at the beach? Asked Aranon, once we had returned to my room. I remember you and Lynn building a huge sand castle. Anything else? Um, nope, I replied, trying to remember. Not until I woke up on the blanket, and it was getting dark. I remember packing the car and coming home, but I think I fell asleep again on the way back. Yes, he said, you were very quiet on the way back. I
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assumed you were tired. So what else did you and Lynn do? We played in the surf, and then she got tired and Sissy came to play with me. What did you and Sissy do? We stood at the edge of the water and danced away from the waves as they flowed in and laughed. Can you see it? Maybe just a fuzzy memory? I concentrated on what he had said and got a fleeting impression of waves tickling my toes and of dancing backwards, away from the water, laughing. Maybe. Just a fuzzy memory of trying to keep the waves from getting to my toes. Good. He smiled. Tomorrow I will need to work with Lynn. Is that all right with you? Okay. She was triggered by the beach ball. Do you know why that might be? The memory hit me like a fist in my stomach. I sorta remember a thing with a beach ball, I said, feeling a little disoriented by the vision. It was at a Boy Scout Jamboree in the forest North of Chicago I think. What do you remember? I lost a beach ball that I had borrowed from a man. It rolled
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into the river and floated away. It used to haunt me all the time for a while. Why do you think that is? Because it belonged to someone else and I was unable to return it. I dont know, the whole thing scared me pretty bad and I had nightmares about it for a long time. Okay, well as you think about it, it will help Lynn to connect to it and may make things go a little faster tomorrow. He paused and seemed to be thinking. I need to get a few things done now, he said, finally. So I think it would be a good idea for you to eat and then get some more rest. Tomorrow may be a little difficult. Okay. Aranon gave me a pat on the shoulder and then got up and left the room. I went to the com-link and brought up a TV program and then asked the synthesizer for a dinner of fried chicken and potato salad. I sat down at the console and ate while I watched Laugh In. After that I watched the movie, North by Northwest, starring Cary Grant. Then I went to bed.
Lynn, said Aranon, come here. Lynn awoke and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. What do you want? she asked, still sleepy.
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How about breakfast, he said, smiling down at her. What would you like? French Toast. French Toast comin up, he said programming the synthesizer. How does that thing work? She asked, getting out of bed. Its hard to explain, but it knows lots of different dishes, but has to be properly programmed, told, so that it can make them. The synthesizer buzzed to let them know it had completed the request, and Aranon pulled out a dish, piled with two pieces of French Toast, complete with butter, powdered sugar and a side of maple syrup. He placed the plate on the table in front of Lynn. Wow! She said, her mouth watering. That looks really good! She ate the entire plate of food, and even licked the left over syrup off the plate. After she had finished and completed some personal care chores, Aranon led her to the conversation area and sat down with her. I need you to tell me about another memory you have, he said. Oh no, she said. Oh no? Aranon said with a concerned look on his face. The last time you asked me to do that I had to go to a very
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bad place. I dont want to do that again. She pulled a long face and folded her arms across her chest. But you are more responsible now and you know that I am not asking you this to hurt you. You know that I am here to help you, Christy, and even Sissy. In order to help you I have to know what happened that hurt you so bad. I know it hurts to look at it, but it also helps too. I dont like it! She said, tears forming in her eyes. I know, he said, patting her knee. But you wanted to be a knight and slay dragons, protect the king and save the fair maiden. When you go back and face these memories, its like being a knight and slaying the dragon. I need to you to help me to slay a dragon, so that all of you can be free of its fiery breath. Will you help me? I dont like it, she repeated. Even knights must have been scared, dont you think? I dont know, she said, her lower lip quivering. It takes a lot of courage to go up to a great big dragon, breathing fire and roaring at you. Ill be your magic sword that can talk and tell you how to slay that dragon and not get burned by it. I will be right there with you, helping you. Okay, she said, her voice cracking with the emotion of her fear. But it better not get me!
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No, I wont let it. I will protect you. Ill be your magic sword. Okay. Her face still showed fear, but she was willing to fight the dragon, with Aranon as her sword. Tell me about the beach ball that you borrowed at the Boy Scout Jamboree. That was all he had to say, and her eyes began to flicker with rapid eye movement, as the memory rose from the depths of her memory and then it crashed into the now, and Lynn began to cry, No! No! How old are you? He asked, gently. Four. Tell me about the beach ball. I gotted it from a man. Tell me about the man. He was in a teepee. He was resting. There was a pretty beach ball outside the door. I asked him if I could play with it. What did he say? He says it blongs to his kids. He says he would have to ask them. And then what happened? I begged him, please, please, please. Then he said yes, but not to take it near the river. He said if I tooked it to the river and lost it he would spank me. He made me promise I wouldnt. I said
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I promise, and then he said okay. Then what happened? I tooked it and went to find someone to play with. And did you find someone to play with? I heard kids playing in the woods, so I went that way. There were boys playing there but they were big boys. And did they play with you? They were mean and tooked the ball from me and played keep away. Tell me how keep away is played. Big kids play it with little kids. They take something away from a little kid and then toss it to each other, so the little kid cant get it. Ill bet that made you pretty mad, huh? I was crying and telling them that it wasnt my ball and to give it back. Did they give it back? They threw it away, down the hill, and I chased it but it went into the river and I couldnt get it. I tried, but it floated away. I was so scared. That man was gonna spank me. I was crying. Then those boys came back and they hurted me. How did they hurt you? They tooked off my clothes and touched me in my evil place
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and I couldnt stop them. God is gonna put me in the lake of fire! She started to sob. Then what happened? I gotted my clothes on and runned to find my daddy to tell him about the ball so he wouldnt let the man spank me. Did you find your daddy? He was playing baseball. I was crying and he told me to go away. He said he didnt want to hear about it and to go find my mommy. Did you find your mommy? She was in a big teepee, talking to other mommies, and told me to find my daddy. I was scared so I went to our car and got in the back seat and hided. Then what happened? Mommy and daddy and my brother camed back to the car and finded me, and my daddy was really mad at me. He yelled at me and I gotted really scared and cried and cried. My daddy said he would take me to a orphanage and leave me there. He tried to hit me but mommy wouldnt let him. I cried all the way home and wished I was dead, so that it would all be over and I would be in the lake of fire. I wanted to be there more than with mommy and daddy. Then what happened?
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We gotted home and mommy put me to bed. I told her what happened, but she said not to worry about it. But I had bad dreams. I had bad dreams forever. Thank you Lynn for telling me that. Now, we are going to slay that dragon. He reached out and picked her up and carried her into the Meathos, joining her there. With the help of the Meathos, he and Lynn slew a giant dragon with a beach ball in its claws.
We were still in the Meathos pool when Aranon called me forward and had me re-experience the incident with the beach ball. I had never been consciously aware of the sexual abuse aspect of the incident and wondered about that. Why didnt I remember that part? I asked. Because Lynn is the one who held that memory. I remember my dad saying that he was glad I wasnt twins and threatening to take me to the nearest orphanage and leave me there. I remember him reaching over the seat to try to hit me, and my mom stopping him. I remember wanting to die. That was the first time that I ever really wanted to die. So now you know why, he said. I am seeing a pattern here. Are you able to see it?
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That I keep getting sexually abused? Yes, theres that too and it does tie in to the pattern that I am seeing. What else? I think I can see that my parents, for the most part, were indifferent to my emotional difficulties. That probably plays a part in the splitting of your personality, but its not what I am focusing on here. There is an object that keeps coming up. A physical object. Oh yeah, I said, feeling stupid. The ball! Thats my girl! And I suspect that there is at least one more traumatic incident in your life involving a ball. Maybe you can think of it, n o w. He emphasized the word now as being almost a command, and that seemed to trigger yet another memory. I do remember something, I responded as the images began to form in my mind. Tell me about it. My brother and I were going to a parochial school, and it was a very small school. There were only four classrooms, and in my class there were students from the fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth grades all in the same room, with the same teacher. My brother was in the same classroom with me. He was in the eighth grade while I was in the sixth. We were all playing outside at recess time. The grounds were being irrigated, so we had to play
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on just the sidewalks. Explain irrigated, interjected Aranon. The lawns were sunken, with a raised berm around them so that they could be flooded with water. This was a way that many people back then watered their lawns to keep them green. Anyway, the play yard was filled with about a foot of water. I asked the teacher for a volley ball to play with and he gave it to me. Then, while I was bouncing it, it went off the sidewalk and fell into the water. This happened right next to a conduit that ran under the sidewalk, which carried the water from one side of the yard to the other. It was flowing toward the conduit really fast and I was unable to grab the ball before it was sucked into the conduit. That must have been scary for you, remarked Aranon. I think it would be a good idea if I went and plugged into the Meathos, for this, okay? Okay, I said. He got up from beside me in the pool and went to his interface console. I could feel him plug in this time. Continue, he said, gently through the connection. I was scared, because I was afraid of what the teacher would do to me if I lost the ball in that conduit. I kept saying to myself, please, God, let it come out the other side. Please, God, please! Finally, as I stood waiting on the other side of the
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sidewalk where the water was rushing out of the conduit, the ball not only came out, but popped up into the air where I could catch it without even getting wet. It was like God not only answered my prayer, but also actually tossed the ball right into my waiting hands! I was excited by this and went and got the teacher, saying he had to see this, that it was really neat. He came over and watched as I put the ball back into the inflow side of the conduit. As I did this, he began to yell at me to stop. But I did it anyway. Then I ran to the other side of the sidewalk and stood waiting, with my hands ready to catch the ball. It then popped out and I caught it. Isnt that neat? I asked him, but he was angry. He told me that if he saw me do that again, he would spank me. But I did it again anyway, right then and there. I guess I was daring him. I guess I thought he was just being silly, because God would make it pop out, and It did pop out. Immediately, he grabbed the ball from me and told me to go into the classroom and wait for him. I did, and all the while my heart was pounding. Finally he came in, but he didnt do anything. In fact, he pretty much ignored me. Then the class came back and school resumed and not another word was said. Were you relieved? Youd think I would be, but no. His complete dismissal of the
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whole incident seemed to fester in me. I became more and more out of control after that. I would do really crazy stuff in class, like act like a baby, suck my thumb, take crayons and go around the room marking on everyones school work, and push their books and papers on the floor. Every day my behavior became more and more bizarre. Why do you think that was? Asked Aranon. Im not sure, but I think I really wanted him to spank me and when he didnt, I just went nuts. Think about it. Why would that spanking mean so much to you? Because I didnt get a spanking from the man at the Jamboree, and I felt terribly guilty for loosing that ball, and even had nightmares about it floating down the river out of my reach, that continued even up until that time in the parochial school. Possibly, but I think there is more to it than that. He paused for a moment, waiting for me to continue, but I didnt. So how did your teacher deal with your behavior? He asked, finally. He didnt do anything for the longest time. I think my brother was embarrassed to be in the same class with me, even though he was the class favorite. What did he do? Did he tell your parents about your bizarre behavior?
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I dont think so. Did the teacher speak to your parents about it? I dont think so. My parents never asked me about it. So what happened? You just kept acting bizarre? Well, finally the whole class got up one day and walked out of the classroom, demanding that he do something about me, and threatening to not return to class until he did. That must have been a shock to him. So, what did he do? He talked to me, and showed me the belt he used to spank bad kids, and he talked to me in baseball terms, about having dropped the ball and how I needed to get on the ball and stuff like that. Retriggering your past abuse memories, and assisting you in establishing an obsession about needing to be spanked. Wow! Thats how that all got started, huh? Could be. Its certainly an important link in the chain. It is those previous traumas involving a ball that gave it so much power. And dont forget the God component. A parochial school is generally a school that is provided by a church or religious organization, is that not right? Yeah, and we had to go to church every day and study the Bible and the Catechism. Thats a book of rules for the church. How did that affect you? Did you like going to church and
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studying about God? Yeah, I did, I answered, and then thought about it. But then there was stuff that scared me too. Like what? Well, we were taught that we had to fear and love God, and I was already scared of God, and what he would do to me when I die. It is really hard to love something that you are scared of. Mostly, I just pretended to love God, because I didnt know how to be scared of Him and love Him too. Uh huh. I would imagine that would have been difficult for a lot of people, not just you. I remember when we were studying the Ten Commandments, and we were on the seventh commandment, which says; Thou shalt not commit adultery. I didnt know what adultery was so I asked my mom. She told me that was like when I went with those teenage boys. That really had me scared. Was that before or after the incident with the ball? Asked Aranon. I dont know, I replied honestly. Lets find out. Ill ask the Meathos to show us. At this point I had the sensation of wind in my face, and I saw a series of quick snippets of experiences from that time. Finally, I was watching the incident of talking with my mom about
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it, feeling the cold fear that ran through me when she told me it was like what I did with those boys, and then I was laying on my bed with that ache in my belly, like the one that always seems to precede one of my episodes. Then there was the wind again and then the incident with the ball. It happened before the incident with the ball, said Aranon, finally. That means that you were already dealing with the guilt from that experience when you were eight, as well as all the painful feelings that surrounded it. Why do you think the incident with the ball in sixth grade had such an impact on you in light of what you have discovered? Because I was feeling guilty, for what I did when I was eight? I asked, not really sure what he wanted me to say. Yes, he acknowledged. But there is more to it than that. Can you think of what more there might be? I dont know. Lets go back to when your mother revealed her feelings about what happened to you at eight. When she told you that you were an adulterer. Okay, I said, not knowing what to expect. Suddenly, I was rolled in a ball on my bed, my stomach was on fire and I felt like I would die. I wanted to be free of this fear. I was thinking that if someone would just punish me, punish me
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really good for that sin, I would be set free of this guilt and God would love me again. I wanted to be punished for what I had done, so that God would be able to love me again, I said. Yes, he replied, his tone deep and sad. And when the right opportunity arose, and that punishment was withheld, how do you think that made you feel? I thought about that for a moment. I thought about my feelings, as I sat there listening to my teacher tell me that I had dropped the ball; that I needed to get on the ball and straighten up. I remember the sinking feeling I had, the desperation, and the utter abandonment I felt, like no one thought I was worth their time. Desperate, worthless, abandoned, I said. What are the feelings that you have when you have those episodes, where your belly hurts and you get overwhelmed by the pain? Desperate, worthless and abandoned. Theres the connection, he said. And what happened, as the result of this incident in sixth grade, is that you developed what is sometimes called a reaction formation where, when a past trauma is triggered, a need to resolve the feelings and fears surrounding that trauma generates a behavior pattern designed to
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invoke a resolution to those feelings and fears. In other words, each time that you felt abandoned, lost, overwhelmed or frightened you began to develop a pattern of behaviors and physical symptoms designed to invoke behaviors and responses from those around you, especially caring men you perceived to be gentle. Did your teacher ever validate or praise you for anything? He liked my singing and my artwork. Thats about all though, I think. Did he validate you for these things when you were alone or when you were amongst the other members of your class? Mostly in front of the class. I think he felt sorry for me because nobody liked me and everybody loved my brother. So, your greatest desire was for him to see how much you needed that spanking, wasnt it? I guess. No, that wont do, Christy. Was that or was that not your greatest desire? It was, I conceded. And then this continued on, didnt it? Your need to establish your value, through the creative things you do, your need to be taken seriously and not just brushed off, but you also needed to be punished in order to become acceptable, not just to God, but to everyone, especially perceptive, gentle and caring men. Isnt
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that right? Yes, I said, seeing the truth in what he was saying. And again, this continued on, as you built your game, which became more and more elaborate in its format; all designed to get what you thought you needed in order to feel acceptable, validated, loved. But the game never seemed to work, or not for very long, did it? No, I acknowledged, recounting in my mind those few times in which I got what I wanted, but it only made things better for a little while, and then I was back playing the game again. Why do you suppose that is? He asked. His voice was gentle, loving, and it caused my heart to skip a couple beats. I dont know, I cried, feeling frustrated and angry with myself for not knowing, for not being able to respond in such a way as to show him that I was worthy of his love. Its, all right to not know, he replied, softly. You are worthy of my love, despite your present capacity to understand. My love for you is not based upon what you can do or upon what you know, but rather upon the intimate connection we have forged through trust, and through the sharing of our beingness with one another. Suddenly, I remembered that he could see my thoughts and feelings through his connection with the Meathos. At first I felt
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betrayed by this, feeling like he had betrayed me by accessing my secret thoughts and emotions. Then I rethought that position, realizing that I had agreed to allow this connection in order to give him the capacity to connect with my memories, my feelings, so that he could help and guide me to a greater understanding of myself. Even in knowing my most secret thoughts and feelings, he loved me. That was a shock. Even the game, I came to realize, was of secondary importance to his willingness, to his deep desire to assist me in understanding it, and maybe even to getting past it. Maybe, I said, after a moments thought, it was because what I felt from them was not love, but the need to get something from me that made them feel better. Maybe, those who tried to help me with this, were as sick as I was, but just in a different way. Ah, he said, in an exhalant tone. That is a very important insight! I am very proud of you for expressing the willingness to validate that possibility! Can you take the next step? What is the next step? I asked, hoping he would just tell me and relieve me of the struggle of trying to figure it out. He didnt, so I had to think about it. After all, the game had worked! It worked with Aranon anyway. Because of the game and getting what I wanted, what the game said I needed, I was able to
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retrieve the memories that Sissy had been holding on to so tightly. But would I have been able to access those memories without the game? If I had allowed Aranon to look into my mind and see what was happening and why, could he have just taken me there, without the pain, without the punishment, without the game? Probably. But then my deepest desire would have never been fulfilled. Was the fulfillment of that desire necessary? Did I really need to be punished before I could connect with the events that had made the game necessary? Maybe not, but then if what I thought I needed was really necessary in order to access those memories, as Aranon himself had agreed was true, what was the next step? Maybe it was ending the game. Maybe, now that the door was open, now that the memories were finally available to me, I no longer needed the game. Could I forego that need, that overpowering desire for the expression of unconditional love? Could I just give up the game? I wasnt sure I could. I dont know if I can give up the game, I said, feeling as though anything less would be judged as failure. Okay, he said, gently. But can you concede to the possibility that giving up the game might be the next step? Yes, I replied, reluctantly, knowing that he knew I was not yet ready to give it up, and feeling guilty for that.
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Thats all right, he said, his voice filled with love and acceptance. You will only be asked to take the next step when you are ready. Until then, I will honor your game and the need that it seeks to fulfill. Nevertheless, I want you to know that I will continue to assist you, to love you and to honor you and your needs, as long as you consider it necessary to persist in them. I will also continue to assist you in discovering what it is that you really need, and to help you to acquire it without the game, without pain and punishment. I need to warn you though, that each time you insist on playing the game, I will henceforth give you what you want, swiftly, without hesitation. Is that acceptable to you? You mean that when I act like I want a spanking you will just do it? Yes. Okay, I said, feeling suddenly sexually aroused. I knew he knew that, and I felt terribly embarrassed by that thought. I want you to know, though, that even though I love you and desire only the best for you, I am willing to do this only because you feel that it is a necessary component to your healing, and not because I feel that it is necessary or even appropriate. I also want you to know that eventually this experience will not only loose its power to open doors, to reveal hidden memories, but it will
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become possibly even more terrifying than the experiences that you hope to uncover with its utilization. You can give it up now, or wait until that point has been reached. Its your choice. Can I give it up at any time, or do I have to wait till then? I asked, still not ready to give it up. It had been my life long fantasy, my friend. It had been the driving force behind the hope of recovering my memories, myself, my life, as well as the way to acquire love; the only way I could accept it. You can give it up at any time, he said. The sooner the better. Im not ready to give it up yet, I said, hoping for at least one more experience of what I have now come to understand as unconditional love. All right, he said, and I could hear and feel the pain and the sadness in his voice. I will honor that.
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Twenty-Nine
I feel it is important for me to jump in here and explain a few insights that I have had since this somewhat unbelievable experience of mine, with Aranon, on Anchor. First of all is the connection between obsessions and addictive behavior. Obsessions are things that you feel you must do, say or think in order to set things right, in order to get a sense of well-being, safety or comfort. Addictions are based upon the need for a substance or an experience to make things right, safe or comfortable. Both are born out of the same obsessive-compulsive thinking.
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This is the basis of co-dependency. I have a script that you must follow in order for me to feel accepted, acceptable and comfortable. It doesnt matter that you may have your own script. What counts is MY script and whether or not you play your part, as I believe that you should. How you feel and how you perceive my script is not important. What is important is getting my needs met according to MY plan, MY script. Can you see the distortion here? Addictions are very close to the same thing. I need to feel comfortable. I need to feel good about myself, invincible, invulnerable. Many get that feeling when they drink alcoholic beverages, have sex with a handsome man or a beautiful woman, take this drug, or that one, or experience something as the result of a physical action or experience. Then the addict reasons, If they had that feeling once they can get it again, by repeating the physical process of drinking, taking drugs, having sex, or as in my case, getting a spanking. Obsessions, compulsions and addictions are all based on the prospect of getting our needs met as the result of the utilization and manipulation of individuals or substances outside of ourselves. What I learned, as the result of this experience on Anchor; is that nothing and no one outside of me will ever adequately meet my needs or complete me. The only thing that will ever meet my
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needs or complete me is that connection that I have, within me, to a Power Greater Than Myself. This is not a physical connection but rather a spiritual one, that relies solely on my own sense of self worth and my willingness to concede that I am valued and loved, first by my self and then by that Creative Force that flows through me, giving me life and the capacity to express as an individual, with free will. Until I was able to connect with this truth, I was truly unable to experience love, unconditional or otherwise, or to recognize my own intrinsic value as an expression of The Creative Force. Until I became aware of this truth, I was unwilling and unable to step away from my preconceived notions of what should be, and accept love or even life, on its own terms. My life experiences had skewed my thinking. I saw things through the distorted thinking and ideals that come from a childhood chock-full of abuse and disfunctionality. I was ignorant of the fact that every time I tried to force or to manipulate others into responding to my demands without consideration for their needs, feelings and their desires; I was actually determining that what I got back would be in direct opposition to what I really wanted in the first place. In effect, I had no idea how my obsession, and Aranons willingness to honor it, despite his personal feelings about it, would eventually bite me hard enough to scare me into giving up the game!
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We had been invited for dinner at Sam and Jennies. I was excited by this prospect, for I would get to see Piddles, whom I missed greatly. Aranon informed me of this invitation shortly after our last session in which he had pledged to honor my obsession to be spanked whenever I displayed the need. His warning; that it could become more frightening and painful than facing my memories was; also forgotten. I was driven by my needs, by my obsession, and everything else was secondary, unimportant. We arrived for dinner and were met at the door by Andy; the child genius developed by the research project that I still felt was wrong and abusive. Hi! he said, opening the door wider so that we could enter. I apologize for my behavior the last time we met. He stuck out his hand, like a grown man might do, seeking reconciliation. I took it, and gave it a gentle shake. Im glad I had this opportunity to apologize, he continued after the handshake. I was really off base, My mind whirled with the strangeness of the encounter. He talked like a full-grown man, cordial, apologetic. His diction and tone was way beyond his years. Golly, he only stood two and a
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half feet tall! He still looked like a baby, in spite of his poise, intelligence and diction. Something inside me said that this was wrong, unnatural. I slid by him as fast as I could, allowing Aranon to greet him. Hello Uncle Aranon, he said, smiling broadly, offering his hand once more. Aranon took his hand and then picked him up, and hugged him, with deep affection, closing the door and carrying him past me and into the living room. I am glad that you are doing so well, Andy, said Aranon with what I considered to be a rather smarmy tone. I felt nauseated by it. Hello! Said Sam with his, to me, plastic and unrealistic smile. How are you, Christy? Okay, I said, responding in what I thought was the socially acceptable tone, with a socially acceptable smile. There was definitely something going on with me, but I didnt have a clue what it was. Oh good, good! He responded, his tone oozing with social acceptability. I felt sickened by the apparent superficiality of everyone and plopped down on the couch feeling totally out of place and wanting to be anywhere but here. That is until Piddles scuttled into the room, his whole body waging with his tail and his muzzle
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sporting a smile that would melt the glaciers in Antarctica! I let him jump into my lap and frantically lick me from face to fingers. Then I hugged him, told him I had missed him and then began petting him. Within seconds he had done his little shifts and turns and had plopped down in my lap, breathing a sigh of relief, and coming to a state of full relaxation. I can see that Piddles missed you and is still partial to your energies, said Sam, chuckling. Well, what can I say, hes a dog. What does he know? I replied, trying to sound jovial. He knows your soul, said Aranon, putting Andy down, and then sitting down on the couch beside me, his knees poking up nearly to the height of his chin as he sat on the small couch. He can see what you are, not who you think you are. He gave Piddles a pet, who licked his hand but remained, ensconced in my lap. Well, what does he know, I quipped, hes only a dog, Aranon leaned over and whispered into my ear. Shift your attitude, Christy, or be prepared for a very embarrassing experience. So what are you gonna do, Aranon? I asked loudly. Spank me? You betcha He replied, just as loudly and with a curt tone
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that Id never heard from him before. That gave me pause. As a matter of fact it gave everyone in the room pause, or maybe what I saw was shock. I decided that maybe it would be best not to push the issue. In fact, it sacred me more than just a little. I had never experienced him acting this way. I withdrew into myself, feeling spurned by him, feeling dejected. Although Sam seemed shocked by Aranons behavior, Andy just stood there, looking at me, smiling. Never underestimate Aranon, said Andy, with a knowing smile. He always means what he says. Andy, go help your mother put dinner on the table, said Sam, his face reflecting his discomfort at the whole thing. Well its true, Andy said, defensively. Aranon always means what he says. Go! Said Sam, impatiently, pointing toward the kitchen. Andy scurried into the kitchen, looking back once to wink at me. How can you live with that? I asked, momentarily releasing my grip on myself in the face of Andys parting wink, which I felt to be a jeer. God! What a little prick! Sam didnt respond, but his demeanor spoke volumes. Obviously he was uncomfortable with Andys precocity, but he was even more uncomfortable with my derisive statement. It was
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Aranon who responded. I will give no more warnings, he said, softly, ominously. Again I withdrew, focusing on petting Piddles, who seemed to appreciate my attentions. To say the least, Aranon was scaring me. Dinners ready, said Jennie from the doorway to the kitchen. We all got up and went into the dining room, where the table was laden with food, and exuded heavenly smells. Putting Piddles down, I followed Aranon, and silently made my way to an empty chair. I sat down and took the napkin that was expertly folded on my plate, unfolding it, and placing it in my lap. I took the serving plates as they came around and put fried chicken, mashed potatoes and green peas on my plate, finally covering my potatoes with a rich brown gravy. Thank you, I said, appreciatively, for this wonderful dinner. I hope its what you like, replied Jeannie. Oh, yes, I responded, trying to sound appropriate. God! I was so sick of being appropriate! Great! She said, her face all smiles. I asked Aranon what you liked, so if its not to your liking, you have him to blame. Its fantastic, I said, taking a bite of the chicken that wasnt
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really chicken and trying to look pleased. Aranon tells me that you two took a trip to Archana. How was it? Asked Sam I liked it, Maybe Ill go there to live someday, I said honestly. What did you think of the Sensarians? I thought they were a bit overbearing, even a little scary. Said Jeannie. Maybe you are not spiritually evolved enough to see the Sensarians as they really are, I replied without thinking. Thats it! Replied Aranon, getting up and tossing his napkin on his chair. A pall of shock and dismay swept over the faces of Jeannie and Sam. Andy giggled and with a snide look said, I told you so! Come with me, Christy. We need to have a little talk, said Aranon as he grabbed my arm and pulled me unceremoniously from my chair and dragged me from the dining room. Im sorry! I said, when we were out of earshot, as tears filled my eyes. I didnt mean it. Really! He didnt respond, but rather continue to pull me, like a naughty child, down a hallway and into a room that looked like it was used for art projects. There was an easel, a drafting table, and shelves of art supplies. He maintained his grip on my arm as he adjusted an art stool to match his height and sat down. I was
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really crying by this time, terrified and not knowing what to expect. Please dont spank me, Aranon, I sobbed as he started to pull me across his lap. I dont want you to spank me, please! I warned you, he said, softly, without anger. I warned you that, if the behavior you were displaying persisted, I would spank you. Yet you persisted in that behavior. Your comment to Sam about Andy, and your cutting remark to Jennie were both belittling and inconsiderate of their feelings. Your behavior has been unusually inappropriate since we arrived. He continued to draw me across his lap and I fought him by trying to sit down on the floor instead of allowing him to pull me across his lap. He stopped and allowed me to pull away from him. What did you think would happen when you continued to behave that way? He asked, gently, as I sat on the floor, sobbing. I dont understand why I was behaving that way! Please dont spank me because I was bad! I dont want you to spank me because I am bad! Im not bad! I cried, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto the floor. You are right, youre not bad. Nevertheless, your behavior was totally out of character for you, and it seemed to me that this was part of your game. Am I in error? Is this not part of the game?
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It seemed to me that everyone elses behavior was out of character and I felt like I was being manipulated, like everyone was playing some sort of part that was just so phony. It made me angry! I cried, sobbing deeply and wiping my tears away with the sleeves of my shirt. Im sorry! Please dont spank me! I didnt mean to act that way! This is not how I play my game! Aranon was silent for a moment. Finally, he leaned back and took a deep breath. Alright, he said, reaching down and gently letting his hand glide over my head in a soft caress. I think we are finished with this for now, he said, reaching down with both hands to take my upper arms and pull me to my feet, as I continued to sob, covering my face with my hands. Okay, I said, gasping and hiccupping. But I need you to do a favor for me. He pulled my hands away from my face and gently raised my chin with a finger so he could look into my eyes. I need you to apologize to Jeannie and Sam for those cutting remarks you made. Will you do that, Christy? Yes, I said, with another deep sob of relief. Im really sorry I was so mean. I believe you, he said, drawing me into a gentle hug. Im sorry this happened. Remember, if you are upset, if you feel that something is wrong or you need attention, you can just tell me
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what you are feeling. There is no need to act out to get your needs met. You can also just tell me that you feel you need to be spanked, if that is what you need. He hugged me a little tighter, seemingly apologetically. We can always go to an appropriate place to discuss what you are feeling. You dont need to humiliate others, or yourself, to get the attention you need. Okay, I replied, as tears still flowed copiously from my eyes. Im sorry. You can show that by apologizing to Jeannie and Sam. The things you said were demeaning and spiteful and thats not like you at all. I know, I replied, knowing he was right. It was mean. Why did I act that way? Why was I being such a turd? Was I actually, subconsciously, goading him into spanking me? I still felt as though something else was going on that I just couldnt put my finger on. If I had been able to build the fantasy, if I had been able to feel the pain in my gut, that was always the prelude to the building of that fantasy, this would probably not have happened. As we reentered the dining room, my eyes all red and puffy, my face stained with tears, Jeannie was standing at the door. She grabbed Aranon, escorting him hurriedly into another room. I sat down and looked at my plate, as I heard Jeannie yelling
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from the other room. What are you thinking Aranon? You cant just go around hitting the seekers! Are you crazy? Calm down, Jeannie! Aranon replied, in a calming voice, what you think happened and what did happen are two different things. Then their voices became too muffled for me to eavesdrop. No one in the dining room was talking. I looked up and saw Sam looking at me, his face washed in pity. Im fine, I said. I just got a little out of line, is all. Aranon has been trying to help me with a problem Ive been having and misunderstood my behavior. Of course that doesnt excuse it. Please forgive me for my behavior and the unkind things I said to you. Youre forgiven, responded Sam, still in shock concerning what he thought had happened. Did he hit you? He asked, after a moment of silence. Spank her, Father. Its a sexual fetish on Earth, replied Andy, glibly. He didnt look at me; he just took another bite of mashed potatoes. I looked back down at my plate, feeling suddenly frightened. I didnt know, until that moment, that my obsession was sexually oriented. I knew it caused sexual feelings in me, but I didnt really
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connect it with a sexual need. I always thought it had something to do with opening the door to my past. If it were sexually based, then why would Aranon do it? When he did, was as he actually, sexually abusing me? Did it always come back to that same thing? Maybe Im an abuse magnet. Maybe I will never get well. If Aranon really is willing to do this, how much further might he go? At this point Aranon and Jeannie reentered the dining room and quietly sat down. Jeannie seemed embarrassed. I wonder what he told her? Did he tell her that he would probably be having sex with me before the week is out? Suddenly, I was not feeling very comfortable sitting there next to him. He looked at me, noticing that my demeanor had changed again, and now I suppose he could see that I was feeling frightened. I didnt want to look him in the eye. Christy, you havent eaten your meal. Jeannie went to a lot of trouble to make this for us. He sounded concerned and I felt that concern in my gut. Are you not feeling well? Do you want to go back to your room? And then what, Aranon? I said, feeling angry that he hadnt told me about the sexual aspects of my game. Are you going to rape me? Oh my! Said Aranon, his face washed in shock. Where did this come from?
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Why didnt you tell me that my obsession, my game, was sexually based? I asked angrily, feeling my cheeks turn hot. He looked around the room, first at Sam and then at Andy, who was watching all this with great interest, a smug smile on his face. What did you say to her Andy? he asked, his eyes locking with Andys. I said that spanking is a sexual fetish on Earth. Thats true, so whats the big deal? Said little Andy, defensively, still holding Aranons gaze, unwaveringly. It is true for some, Andy, thats right. But it is not always true. In Christys case, its not true. Her desire is not based on a need for sexual intimacy, but rather on a need for emotional release. Same difference, quipped Andy, smugly. No, it is not, said Aranon, sternness coloring his voice and gaze. As soon as you have finished your meal, I want you to go and do a little more research on the subject. Might I suggest you start with learning about the issues of victims of sexual abuse? Maybe then you will see how possibly damaging your comment was. Aranon looked back at me, and said, If you feel that the trust between us has been broken, Christy, I would gladly find you another facilitator. A female one if that would make you more
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comfortable. You have come so far, it would be a shame to stop now, simply because a child made a comment that caused you to become afraid. If that is the case, you may also want to consider giving up the game. My head was spinning and I wasnt sure what to believe anymore. None of this would have happened if I had just been willing to give up the game. Could I do that? Was I ready to do that? Would I make any better progress with another facilitator? Aranon had always been kind and gentle. He could have sexually molested me a number of times, if he had wanted to. Why was I so upset by what Andy said? Was it because I felt guilty about sometimes having sexual feelings about Aranon? I couldnt help having those feelings. He was a beautiful being. He had accompanied me through some of my most intimate, and terrifying experiences. I didnt want him to leave me. By this time my heart was pounding with the certainty that he would now abandon me. No, I said, my voice shaky with emotion. I dont want another facilitator. I just dont want you to molest me. I dont ever want to be molested again! At this point the tears started again, and once again I felt terribly embarrassed. Nevertheless, I had to know the truth. Is spanking me a form of sexual molestation? It can be, yes. But the issues that you are dealing with,
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especially concerning your game, have more to do with generating an emotional and spiritual connection within yourself, to that which generated the game in the first place. We are halfway there, Christy. Once you reach your core issue, I think that your need for the game will disappear. I think the game itself might even be the key to that core issue. In your case, Christy, the game is based upon fear and shame. It is about sex and your perceptions about your own sexuality, and a less informed individual might construe that it is a signal that you desire a violent sexual encounter. That is why it is so important that you work through this fantasy, this game, and release it. In doing so, you will be protecting yourself from further abuse. Does that answer your question? I guess I was feeling very overwhelmed by all of this. It seemed that every time we came to Sam and Jeannies house, I became triggered. I didnt know what to think. First I thought that your willingness to play out the game with me, I responded, tearfully, was a part of my healing and that being able to get a spanking whenever I need it would finally make everything break loose, and like you said, I wouldnt need it anymore. But then Andy said it was a sexual fetish and I started to wonder if you were sexually abusing me and how far would it go, and all I wanted was to do was just go home; to my real
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home, on Earth. Now I dont know what to think. You say its sexual, but its not. You say it will help end the game, and then you say I need to give up the game. How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to think? Tears blurred my vision. What do you want to think? What do you want to feel, Christy? I want to think that Ive been going in the right direction. I want to think that everything we have done so far was not based on some sexual perversion. I want to believe that you really care about me and that you dont want to hurt me just so you can get your jollies! I do care about you, Christy, and my jollies, as you call them, will come when you have freed yourself from the pain of your past, and are capable of reaching your full potential. If that means hurting you a little bit to assist you in doing that, because you insist on that treatment, then I will. But I am definitely not doing it because I, in any way, enjoy it. I would be very happy if you decided to end the game right now. I know that we could access the issues behind it in another way. But it always comes back to you, Christy. You are the only one who can decide to release the game, or to push it until you get to where you think you want to go. I thought this over. I could tell that he was sincere. I knew
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that I had difficulty feeling safe, anywhere, and yet I kept doing unsafe things, like playing the game. But when fear overtook me, when guilt and shame roared through me, I could think of nothing else but the game. I couldnt will it to go away. I couldnt keep the obsession from overtaking me, overtaking my life, choreographing my thoughts and actions in ways that I was not consciously aware of. Yes, I wanted it to stop. I wanted nothing more. But how could I stop it until it was finished? Or would it ever be finished? Maybe, Aranon could help me to finish it. Maybe he could still help me stop it, if I didnt give up. Can you help me end the game? I asked. Can you help me do that without actually playing the game? Probably, he replied, nodding. But like I said, Christy, its up to you. You have to be willing to end it. You have to be willing to try other alternatives. I want to, but I dont know if I can. Its all so raw now, like a festering wound. Especially when the inner pain and fantasies just come at me. Except that the pain and the fantasies never really materialize anymore, so there is no release. Its frustrating! I need help! Are you willing to try other alternatives? He asked, taking my hand in his, and looking, hopefully into my eyes. You mean like with that touch thing you were telling me
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about, where you take away the pain and can see where its coming from? Thats one alternative, yes. And if that doesnt work and I still cant get rid of it, then what? He smiled softly, patting my hand. How about if we just take it one step at a time. Okay. Christy, would you like me to warm up your dinner for you? Asked Jeannie, giving me a caring smile. No thanks, I said, no longer hungry. I appreciate the fact that you went to all this trouble, but I just cant eat right now. I apologize for what I said before. I am sorry I upset you and your family with my behavior. Apology accepted, She said, getting up and clearing away the plates. No one had eaten much accept Andy, who had cleaned his plate. Thank you for dinner, Jeannie, said Aranon. I would ask you to heat up my plate, but I think I should get Christy back to her room. I have a feeling we have some more work to do. He smiled and winked at her, and patted my hand again and looked at me. Ready to go? Okay, I answered, getting up.
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As we started for the door, Piddles came scurrying around the corner, his feet sliding out from under him on the wooden floor. He slid into the wall and then was up again, in a flash, racing right to me. I bent down and picked him up, and as his tail slapped against me as he proceeded to wash my face with his tongue. I gota go now, Piddles. Ill see you again. I hugged him and put him down. He wouldnt accept that and continued to dance at my feet, following me all the way to the door. Aranon frowned and then picked him up. I guess he wants to go with Christy, he said, chuckling. I suppose he will howl at the door again. Do you think you can put up with that, Jeannie? I think he will be just fine. Ill take him into Andys room. Andy knows how to calm him. Jeannie took Piddles into her arms and it was pretty obvious from the way that he struggled that he didnt want to be there. As the door closed behind us and we started down the walk, I could hear Piddles whining and howling. Aranon put his arm around me and eased me down the sidewalk. It was quite clear that there would be no time for Piddles for a while.
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I think there is still another memory, maybe even more than one, that we need to access before we can put an end to the game. Aranon said as we sat in the conversation area, facing one another in the comfortable chairs that molded themselves to our bodies. But how do I get there, without the game? I asked, as the demand to play the game began once again to grow in me. Lets see if we can develop a process, a format of doing things that will offer you the same release. First of all, you need to be touched. How would you like me to touch you? Theres something about the position, you know, over the
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lap? I said, wondering if that was going to be acceptable. Thats not sexual, is it? Any process shared by two or more individuals, which has to do with the body, can be considered sexual, depending upon the desires and the intents of the participants. Would your intent in choosing that position be sexually oriented? I made a sour face. No, I said, not sure because there was a lot stuff I was finding to be sexually oriented. I didnt want it to be sexually oriented, at least not consciously. Okay, so I hold you across my lap. The next thing is the experience. What do you have to experience in order to connect with your memories? I dont know. It has to hurt. Then theres the noise, the loud slaps. And then there is the energy, at the base of my spine that shoots upward with each slap and then sorta explodes in my brain and causes the connection. I think thats everything, accept maybe being treated kindly, I dont think its supposed to be punishment. I think its supposed to be a physical and emotional release. I have always wondered if it would help me to find someone who knew how to run an electrical charge from the base of my spine to the top of my head. I have felt for a long time that it has something to do with Kundalini. Ah! He said, leaning back and closing his eyes. He stayed that way for a few moments and then abruptly sat forward. Thank
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you for your patience, it took me a moment to connect the dots. Yes, Kundalini, a process of aligning all of the energy centers in the body through the use of physical and mental exercises, for the purpose of attaining enlightenment. Enlightenment occurs when all of the centers are aligned and the Kundalini energy rises from the base of the spine through the centers, all the way to the Crown Chakra. I think you are right about it having to do with Kundalini! He stood up and began pacing, obviously thinking this through. This changes things. Your description of what you need, is that straight out of the game? Yes, I said, wondering where he was going. The energy of the game was still building, and yet the fantasy didnt materialize and there wasnt any pain in my gut. It was scary and frustrating. Okay, let me run this by you and see what you think. He sat down again, and took my hands in his. First, we use that position of over the lap, because it serves two purposes. It gives you the touch you need, and it also allows me to place one hand on the base of your spine and one on the top of your head. The purpose of that is so that I can direct a flow of energy through your nerve train, or spinal chord. If you need pain it will come from within you, not from a potentially physically damaging action on my part. As far as the sound goes, that can be accomplished by clapping my hands just before I apply the energy. How does this sound to you?
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A little scary. I dont really know. I cant pull up the fantasy or the pain! I cried, frustrated and confused. Oh, my! Ill take care of that first. You will surely need that to connect with the pain. He reached out and touched my forehead and I blanked out. Kerry, he said, come here. You need to give back that package I asked you to hold on to. What if I refuse, said Kerry, pouting. Then you would not be protecting the system, and you wouldnt be helping the system to put an end to that pain and fear. Thats Christys job and she cant do it until she can walk through the pain, and face the fear. You have done a good job of helping the system so far, lets finish it now, okay? Okay, fine! she said, in an irritated tone. Its just that I was never given a job before. Now I have to give it up. No, now your job changes. Instead of holding on to her pain and her fear, you can give it back, and then hang back and let her go through it. Your job, now, is to trust me and to hand the protection over to me for a while. I know thats going to be hard for you, but I think you can do it for the good of the system. So what am I supposed to do, go hide in Lynns closet? Or maybe you would just like me to disappear! Her face was filled with anger, but she didnt act on it, except to cross her arms over her chest and glare at him.
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No, replied Aranon, calmly, patiently. If you like, I can fix it so that you can look out her eyes and know what is going on. What I am asking you to do is to hang back, no matter how threatening the situation might appear, and just let it happen. Why; because you are somehow magically going to fix us? You really think this silly ass idea is gonna work? Not without your help and the help of everyone in there that you are protecting. You see, Kerry, no one can fix you. I may be able to assist in providing the conditions, but the real work is up to you, all of you. Until each of you can give up the pain and the fear of past events, you will continue to be locked into that pain and fear. The only way out is through it, and that may be really scary, and it will probably be very painful. I need your help to keep everyone safe, on the inside, and to help them to walk through this, no matter how difficult it has to get before you can finally let it go and be free of it. Will you help? You mean like protecting the insiders from the stuff that isnt theirs? Yes! Thank you, I couldnt have said it better. Will you help? Okay, but I deserve some special time of my own, you know? Like a trip to some really fantastic planet or something? Just you and me? I think that could probably be arranged. He smiled at her.
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Will you give back that package now? Okay, but I am going to hold you to your promise. I would expect nothing less, my friend. Thank you. Then she was gone and I gasped into wakefulness with my belly on fire and the fantasy going full force. Oh my god! I yelled, doubling over and then tumbling to the floor and rolling into a fetal position. Stop it! Please! Its too much! Its too much! Please Aranon! I cried in agony. He reached out and placed his hand on my forehead, and the pain disappeared. My heart was still pounding and I was still gasping as he picked me up off the floor and placed me back in the chair. Is that better? He asked. Yes, I said, calming. That was awful! Yes, that was what you had built up while we were waiting to go to Archana. I had one of your alters keep it safe for you, so that you could enjoy the trip. So, what does that mean? I asked, confused. From now on you can build that energy if you need to, to create the fantasy and the pain, so that we can complete the game. Oh. I wasnt sure that was a step up or not. Not now that I realized that it was the fantasy that generated the pain. So lets see what happens. Shall we? He reached out and
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grabbed my arm and pulled me over his lap. The fantasy started building, and I could feel the fear and the pain building as well, even though I knew he wasnt really going to spank me. My breathing started coming in short pants and my heart rate went into high gear. Then, he clapped his hands and my whole body jerked, as though he had actually smacked me. He clapped his hands again, and again, my body jerked and the pain grew more intense and there was pain at the base of my spine. Once more, he clapped his hands, my body jerked and I cried out, as the pain in my belly began roaring like a fire. I started screaming, and he placed his hands on me, one at the base of my spine and one on the top of my head, and the pain roared through me, from my buttocks to the top of my head. Then there was an explosion in my head and memories began to flood into my consciousness like a tsunami. Tell me what you are experiencing, Christy. I dont know how! It hurt! It hurts! I cried. Tell me why it hurts so much. What happened to make it hurt so much? I dont know, I cried, as a terrible burning sensation flowed over the entire front half of my body. Maybe this is when I got burned! Please, Aranon, make it stop! Aranon pulled his hand away from the base of my spine and hurriedly carried me into the Meathos and laid me down. Then he
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went to the interface and plugged in. Step aside and look at it, Christy. Let the Meathos help you. Step out of your body, disconnect from the pain. Do it now, Christy, he commanded. Suddenly, the burning stopped, and I was able to see myself, as a small child, still a baby at about eighteen months old, with a toy in my hand. It was one of those plumber chains that threaded through the hole in the center of several colored teething disks. They were very popular infant toys in the forties and fifties. My baby self was chewing on them, and then reaching toward the stove, about five feet away saying, Pity lights, pity bubbles. I watched, as the tiny child sat down in her playpen and stuck her feet through the bars and then walked the playpen across the room. She was wearing a set of wool sleeper pajamas with feet in them, and on the bottom of the feet were nubbied rubber soles. They gripped the tile floor and made it possible for her to move the playpen, inch by inch toward the stove. On the stove was a glass pot of coffee boiling, bubbles rising from the base as it sat on a low flame. The rising bubbles fascinated her. When she got the playpen next to the stove, she stood up again and moved close to the pot of boiling coffee, the chain of disks still in her hand. Then, she reached up and began to tap on the coffee pot with one of the disks again saying, Pity bubbles. She tried touching the pot with a finger, but drew it away
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rapidly. Hot! She said, making a face. She then contented herself with tapping on the glass pot with a disk. Then, the chain got wrapped around the long handle of the pot and as she drew her hand away to again put the disk to her mouth, the pot teetered and then turned on its side, spilling its contents all down the front of her, from her face to her feet. Her woolen sleepers steamed from the heat of the coffee soaking them. Shocked by this, she sat down in the playpen, a look of utter terror spreading across her face. She gasped as the pain finally seeped through her shock and disbelief. At this point my mother, looking young and beautiful entered the room. She screamed and grabbed the baby me and took her to the sink, tearing off her sleepers and rubbing butter all over her red and welting skin, sobbing. Baby me must still have been in shock, for she just lay there, on the drain board, gasping for breath, still clutching the chain of disks in her tiny hand. Mother wrapped her in a dishtowel and ran to the phone to call our neighbor, Mr. Eddy. At this point, the baby me began to bellow, loudly. The shock was wearing off. Mr. Eddy came through the back door, not even knocking, and grabbed me from my mother. He put me in the sink and washed the burns in cold water, which seemed to calm my baby self a little, and then told my mother to separate the whites from three eggs and bring them to him. She did, and he smeared the
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egg whites on my baby face and down my chest and abdomen and on my legs. The only place on my lower body that was not an angry red and beginning to blister was where my diaper covered by rubber underpants had been. At this point my mother called the doctor. When the doctor arrived I was screaming. He looked over the burns and shook his head, frowning. He asked about the egg whites smeared all over the burns and my mother told him about Mr. Eddy, our next door neighbor, who was a male nurse, and had been in the Service, stationed in England as a Corpsman during the Blitz and how he had learned to use egg whites to seal the burns of victims of incendiary bombs. The doctor nodded and suggested that she leave the egg whites on until they pealed off, and then to bathe me and apply a salve that he would call into the pharmacy. I wont lie to you, Mrs. Milner, she has a fifty-fifty chance of making it through the night, but if she does, she will probably survive. She has been burned over nearly a third of her body, and that can often be fatal, especially in infants. Have your neighbor check on her and call me if she becomes worse or begins to have seizures. Then he left, never suggesting that I be taken to a hospital. Maybe he assumed that I would be better off with my parents. Maybe he thought that Mr. Eddy could monitor me as well as the
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harried nurses in the hospital, I dont know. My mother sat holding me, while she waited for my father to get home. He would be stopping at the pharmacy on the way to pick up the salve that the doctor ordered. I screamed in pain while she kept repeating over and over, Dont die! Oh God, please dont let her die! By the time my father got home my mother was an emotional wreck. He took over holding me and rocking me, and sent her to bed. I continued to scream and cry well into the night, as my father tried to calm me enough so that he could get some muchneeded sleep. Finally, he came upon an idea. He reached under my diaper, to the only place that wasnt burned and massaged my genitals. I not only became quite, but I was actually able to fall sleep. After that, it became a special ritual for us that he would put me to bed every night and tickle me to sleep. I wouldnt even eat until he came home. Then he would feed me and take me up to bed and tickle my genitals until I fell asleep. It all stopped abruptly one night about six months later, when our house was filled with guests, and my father was in the living room talking with them. I went to him, begging him to put me to bed, and begging him to tickle me, touching myself in my private place. His face clouded first with embarrassment, and then anger. He picked me up and excused himself, hurrying up the stairs to
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my room. He dumped me unceremoniously on my bed and began to smack me on my bare legs and arms. I will never tickle you again! He said angrily, although moderating his voice so that only I could hear. Its bad! Its very bad! No more tickling! Dont you ever ask me to do that again! With that he left, while I screamed, shocked to my soul, as he closed the door behind him. There I lay, in my two-year-old body, desperately sobbing. I felt like I had just lost everything that meant anything to me. My daddy didnt want me no more! In my own childish thinking I knew that the source of my comfort and delight had just been cut off. I reached down under my rubber pants and tickled myself. Finally, I fell asleep. Again, I awoke in my bed, with Aranon seated beside me. He smiled gently when he saw my eyes flicker open. I felt floaty, unreal and limp. I wasnt sure I could move my body, but it didnt seem to matter. I just stared at him dreamily. How are you feeling? He asked. I thought about responding, but couldnt quite get there. I managed a smile I think. Aranons face shifted into concern. Christy? He leaned forward and touched my arm. Tell me what you are feeling. BBroken, I croaked, my throat felt raw.
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Thats understandable, he responded, his voice still filled with concern. That was the core, Christy, at least the core of your trauma base. It is where the first split in your personality occurred, and the source of most of your psychophysical distortions. What your father did may very well have saved your life. It generated dopamine and endorphins that soothed your overwhelmed nervous system and assisted your body in healing by triggering the release of a hormone called noradrenalin. It also made you feel loved and cherished. Nevertheless, it developed a need in you that doesnt generally present itself until much later in human development and generated a very precocious ability to satisfy that need yourself. There are still a few pieces missing, but we are finally beginning to see where the basis of the game began, and why you needed to feel as though you were being punished and yet loved at the same time in order to access the memories. Okay, I croaked again, still feeling unreal. I only half understood what he was saying. I was glad that we had found the core. It seemed to be important. I think I took you from the Meathos too soon, he said, picking me up and carrying me into the pool. He sat down, with me in his arms, holding me. I continued to breathe normally, knowing that I had nothing to fear from the Meathos. Slowly, the feeling began to come back in my extremities, and my head began to clear. As I began to
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move about, trying to sit up, Aranon helped me, but we remained in the pool. I think its best we stay here for a while, he said. Why dont you tell me what you remember from that time. I remember that when I was two my mom and dad and the brother that is two years older than me went to California and left me in the care of my fourteen year old brother and a live-in babysitter of about the same age. I dont remember much, but I remember they tied me in bed. I think I felt abandoned by my parents. That had to be after the event where you were burned. Was it after the time your father stopped the tickling? I think so. Let the Meathos help you to remember. Yes, it was, I said finally, as images of that time began flooding into my mind. What else do you remember? I remember sitting in my highchair, wanting juice, and my brother being angry with me, refusing to give it to me. What was he angry about? I kept crying all the time. I was scared that my parents had left because I was so bad. What else do you remember? Being tied in bed and crying for my mommy, and my brother
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coming in and yelling at me for wetting the bed. Anything more? Lots of quick pictures but nothing I can really connect with. Okay, lets move forward. Is there something in the next year or so that we havent already covered? I felt like I had been picked up by a strong wind and carried along, past pictures of playing in the sprinkler with my brother in the back yard, of putting my toys away in my new room, upstairs. Then a picture stopped and grabbed me, pulling me into it. I was standing and looking at a kitten, in the garden in front of my home. I found a kiddy! I said, but it wasnt me, it was Lynn. She was four. Tell me about the kitty, said Aranon. It was in the garden and it was hurted. I went to my mommy and told her to call the vet. She camed out to see the kiddy. It had sores on it and there was white worms in the sores. Mommy said it was gonna die cuz it was too sick to make bedder. She whined tearfully. So what did your mommy do? She gotted a towel and picked it up and tooked it in the garage. She said she needed to make it go asleep. She poured smelly stuffs on a wag and put it on the kiddy, and then putted a bucket over him. Lynn began to cry, in loud terrified screams.
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Whats happening, Lynn. Tell me, urged Aranon. The kiddy is cwying, it wants out of da bucket! Its scwatching and cwying but mommy wont ledit out! Shes yelling at me to stop screaming bud I waner to let the kiddy out! Her nostrils were streaming, as were her eyes while she sobbed. Did she let the kitty out? He asked, softly. No, sobbed Lynn. Not till it gotted quiet. Then she picked up the bucket! She began to scream wildly again, Aranon holding our body tightly, as she struggled in his arms. I don wanna look at it! Lemme go! Lemme go! I need you to tell me what you see, Lynn. He knew she would never be free of the fear and pain until she described it to him. The kiddy is dead. Mommy said so. Describe what it looks like, Lynn. Its gots foam all over it, and its eyes are open big, big wide, and its tongues out. Its tongues sticking out really long. Its not moving. Good girl, Lynn, I know that was hard. Now what happened? My brother was there too, but when he saw the dead kiddy he runned away cuz the kiddy was scary lookin. Mommy said I have ta stay and help her bery da kiddy, said Lynn, tearfully. She pudit in a bag and we digged a hole, and she pudit in da
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hole and put dirt on top. Then she told me I hada stamp on the dirt to make it go downed, so I stamped on it! Again she began to scream, tearing at herself, pulling her own hair. What happened then? Asked Aranon. What happened that scared you so much? He gently took her hands in his to keep her from hurting the body. The kiddy cwied! She screamed. Mommy! Please ledda kiddy out! Please mommy! Ledit ooouut! Its cwying! Its not dead! Mommy, please! Did your mommy let it out? No! She yelled at me an tol me to go to my woom! Then what happened? I cwyed and cwyed and payed to God not to led me die! Its okay now, Lynn. Let the Meathos take the memory away now. Just let it go. As he spoke our body began to relax, and then slowly Lynn was gone, and I was there, feeling battered and emotionally exhausted. For a while Aranon just sat holding me in the pool, letting the Meathos do its soothing, healing work. Finally, he stirred and then picked me up and carried me from the pool. I was awake, so he took me to a chair in the conversation area and sat me down. Do you want to talk about that? Why did she do that? I asked. Why did she make my brother and I watch while she killed a kitten?
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Maybe she didnt know how disturbing that would be for you. But when she saw how disturbing it was, why didnt she send us away? Why didnt you run away like your brother did? I wanted to, but she wouldnt let me. She said I had to help her bury it. I can still hear that kitten cry when I stepped on the grave. She said it was just air in its lungs, being pressed out by my weight on its grave, but I never believed that for a minute! She used chloroform on that rag, and I had smelled it before, and I knew it didnt make you die; it just made you go away for a while. I knew that kitty was still alive. How did that make you feel? Like this is what death was like. You get put in a grave and then you wake up and no one ever comes to let you out. Did you ever try to go back and get the kitten out of the grave? No, I was too terrified to do that. I remember that night I got the most awful belly ache, and I prayed and prayed to God not to let me die. Well, he said gently, taking my hand, now we know where the belly ache came from. We have made a lot of progress today, Christy. I am very proud of you! He smiled broadly, and gave me a gentle hug. I think its time we took another break and maybe
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even another vacation. You need time to process this. When we get back, well put it all together and start the healing process.
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Thirty-One
Where are we going? I asked as I finished my breakfast and put the dishes into the recycler. Where would you like to go? He asked, wearing a secret kind of smile. Well, of course, I would like to see Remmie again. I said, knowing that he already knew that. Actually, I would like to spend some time with her family and their Sensarian Teaching Guide. Yes, he said, grinning even broader, that would probably be very enlightening for you. So? I said, feeling impatient. I think that would be a good idea. Actually, it fits in with my plans very nicely. This time he winked. Okay, why dont you tell me what your plans are? I said,
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dieing to know what he had already planned. Well, I would like to give each of your aspects an opportunity to express as separate individuals, and as you already know, Archana is one place where such an opportunity exists. So, you want to go to Archana and split me into a bunch of little pieces? I wasnt sure I liked this idea. Not permanently, he said, recognizing my fear. Just for a short time, so that each of your aspects has the opportunity to experience love and acceptance. It will also give each of you the opportunity to see how the other alters complete them, so that when you are all reunited you will recognize the power you have as a whole. I thought about this. I wondered what it would feel like to be split from the other aspects of myself. It had never occurred to me that we might miss one another, being that it had only been a short while since I discovered, for a fact, that I was more than just one person inside my being. So how would this work? I asked. I mean, are you going to leave me with Remmie and take the others off someplace else? Lets discuss that. I hadnt really decided how we would handle this. You see, one of your aspects has asked me to take her on a trip, just her and me, and I hadnt decided how I wanted to proceed with that.
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Really? I said, feeling angry and not sure why. And who might that be? Lynn? Actually, you havent met her yet. Her name is Kerry, and she is what is called your system protector. Shes the one who held on to all that fear and pain that you were carrying before our last trip to Archana. Her willingness to return that package to you was based on my honoring her request to spend some time with just her. Instead of just putting the rest of you in the background so that her request could be honored, I thought that it would be helpful give each of you an opportunity choose an alternative experience. So what was your plan, Aranon? To just farm us out to individual families on Archana while you go off on a trip with this Kerry person? Now I was really feeing angry. Theres an idea, he said smiling. Youve got to be kidding! I said, hotly. I mean that could be really traumatic for the baby. I cant even imagine how scary it would be for Sissy to be left with a family of bears, with human faces, who live in trees! Aranon thought this over, and then produced an indulgent smile. I am glad that you are concerned for Sissy, he said, gently. Actually, that had not been my plan. So, what was your plan? I was becoming impatient with him.
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My plan was to give all of you time, together, to get to know one another, to share your own unique experiences with one another. This would also give each of you the opportunity to experience Archana from your unique viewpoints. During that time I was going to give each of you the opportunity to decide how you would like to spend a day, together, or separately. Sissys too young to know what she wants. Maybe, and then again, she may surprise you. I tunneled my fingers through my hair, frustrated, trying to imagine a whole group of me trudging around Archana. Aranon, I said, sometimes I think you are crazier than I am. You are not the least bit crazy, Christy. Everything you have done has been based upon a logical assessment of the needs and desires that each of you had at the time. Even my bizarre behaviors? I asked, in disbelief. Especially your bizarre behaviors, he replied, with a gentle smile. So, what do you say? Shall we give this a try? Can we take Piddles? I asked. Remmie would be heart broken if we didnt. Maybe we could arrange to leave Piddles with Remmie and her family. They love and enjoy him so much and he really needs that, you know? Let me think about that, he responded. I mean, remember when I told her that I would bring her
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piddles and another dog like him so that they could be the first dog breeders on their planet? I asked. Well, at this time that may present a problem in that there are no little female dogs like piddles that are in need of a home. In time I may be able to find one, but not at this short of notice. Nevertheless, I am sure that she and her family would truly enjoy having Piddles and would probably take very good care of him. On the other hand, the dog does belong to Andy and he may not be very willing to give him up. But you said that we should allow Piddles to determine his own destiny. What if this is what he would like? Well, its pretty obvious that he would like to be with you, but it would be difficult to ask him if he wants to stay with Remmie. Yes, but Remmie can talk with him, so why dont we have her ask him when we get there? We could do that, he replied, with a thoughtful smile. Do we have to wait hours and hours before we can go? I asked, remembering how long it took last time before we were given the privilege of landing on Archana. Actually, being that you are now recognized as a citizen of Archana, we could teleport, if you like. Im sure Remmie could set it up. How do you talk to Remmie from here? I asked, not having seen any radios or communication centers anywhere I had gone
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on Archana. Through the Meathos. The Meathos provides both voice and visual. So instead of going to a phone booth you go to a Meathos pool? It can be done that way, but it isnt the most productive choice when everyone has busy lives. He pulled a flat stone from somewhere on his person. I had yet to see any pockets. He held it up so that I could see it. It wasnt exactly a stone, but I couldnt figure out what it was. This is a communicator. It is really a bit of the Meathos enclosed in what you might call crystal. To use it to communicate with someone who has a matching communicator I simply hold it up to my forehead and think of the individual I want to communicate with. How do they know you are thinking of them? Do they have to have one of those too? Does it ring, or buzz or something? This was fascinating. Remmie has one, and she just knows when I am trying to communicate with her. She is already a part of the Meathos, so to speak, as the result of the races of Archana being so interconnected, so symbiotic. Can I have one? I asked, thinking of how neat it would be to call Aranon or Remmie once I got back home to Earth.
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For that you would probably have to petition the High Council on Archana. What are my chances, I asked, hoping he could tell me. Good! He smiled. Really good. Youve really charmed the people of Archana, especially the High Council. I have no doubt they would give you one if you asked for it. I have to warn you though, its a party line. What does that mean? It means that anyone who is aware of your desire to communicate with Remmie can listen in. It would certainly bolster your fan club, I can say that! He laughed, and his eyes twinkled. Im not sure Im comfortable with having a fan club, I said, feeling embarrassed. That may deter a few eavesdroppers. He gave me a wink, and then handed me the communicator. Why dont you talk to Remmie? Tell her we will need lodgings for six. He grinned. I held the crystal to my forehead and thought of Remmie. Suddenly, I heard Remmies voice, emanating from the flat, oval crystal. Christy! What a splendid surprise! I held the crystal out so that I could see it and there, within the oval, was Remmies face, smiling at me. Wow! This is wonderful! I replied, feeling excited by seeing her and hearing her voice.
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I was just talking about you with one of my students. I didnt know you were a teacher. I teach archeology, when I am not busy at a dig with my friends. Are you coming back for another visit? Yes, I said, excited now. Aranon wants me to tell you that we will be needing lodgings for six. Tell him its already done, she smiled happily. When will you be leaving? I looked at Aranon, who was happily enjoying himself watching Remmie and I chat. His eyes met mine and he reached for the communicator. I handed it to him and he smiled at Remmie. We will need time to pick up Piddles, he said grinning. We couldnt come without Piddles. Of course not, said Remmie, I would be heart broken. Can you arrange for a teleport in about an hour? Just let me know when and well be ready for you. What does she know about hours? I quipped, reaching for the device. He returned it to me and I smiled at Remmie and said, Im really looking forward to seeing you again. Im hoping that I might be able to stay with you and your family for a day. Would that be acceptable? Of course, Christy! You can all stay with us, for as long as you like, for that matter!
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Do you have enough room for six more people? I mean I didnt think your home was that big. We have a good rapport with the tree, she said. Well just have it add a couple more rooms. Three would probably be enough, said Aranon off sides. Okay, Said Remmie, grinning at me. Hes such a buttinski! So, I guess I will see you in an hour, I said, giggling at her verbal quip. How do you hang this up? Hang it up? You know, say goodbye? Oh, she giggled. You just stop communicating. The Meathos knows when you are finished. Okay, I said. See you soon! I flipped the communicator in the air, caught it and then handed it back to Aranon. That was fun! Shall we go get Piddles? He asked putting away the communicator, although where I couldnt tell. Im ready, I guess. Youre not sure? I dont like going to Sam and Jeannies. What the heck is their last name? Weston, he replied. And I realize that. I am hoping that you will eventually get past your distorted view of them. They
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have done a great deal to assist you in your journey. I would hope that you could find a little gratitude for their willing efforts. For what? Providing Piddles? Providing meals I never get to eat? For providing a place for you to embarrass the heck out of me? Exactly! We walked quietly through the crowded corridors, Aranon giving me time to think and me taking advantage of that time. Finally, I just had to ask him about what had been churning around in my mind for the past few minutes. Did you somehow set up the circumstances at the Westons, just to push me into my game so that you could scare me into giving it up? Yes. He said flatly. So that was all some kind of elaborate act? Were they all in on it? Yes, he repeated. Why? I stopped in the flow of pedestrians and started to cry, feeling used and betrayed. Aranon picked me up, and despite my struggles, kept walking. I was hoping to help you to see what you were doing.
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You need to see the danger in it, to yourself, and to those around you. He explained, calmly. I believe that the only way you will let go of your game is through assisting you in seeing where it could go, in seeing the inappropriateness of it. You had to be willing to try a different way, and in spite of the fact that things did not go exactly as planned, it did cause you to rethink your interpretation of the game and accept an alternative. It was, for the most part a successful ruse. But you tricked me! I yelled, balling up my fists and pounding on his chest. He stopped for a moment and allowed me my tantrum. When I stopped, realizing that I wasnt hurting him, he continued walking. I allowed you an opportunity to experience exactly what you wanted to experience. If anyone tricked you, it was you. You tricked yourself into believing that you could manipulate me with your game. And, if you had not stopped me, it would have been as real as you were willing to make it. I knew you were all just playing me! I knew it! And when were you going to tell me the truth about this if you had been able to pull it off? I said, feeling confused and angry. I felt that Aranon had betrayed my trust. When you asked. What if I hadnt asked?
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Then I would have told you when it was appropriate. You betrayed my trust in you! You played me for a fool! I yelled at him, wanting to hit him again, wanting to pull his hair and bite him. I felt so used, somanipulated! He walked for a short way and then opened the door to an empty room, a replica of mine and put me down, keeping a grip on my arm as he closed the door. Then he knelt down in front of me, and gripping my shoulders forced me to look at him. Because, you have been trying to manipulate me into doing something that is entirely against my nature, against my vows, and against our pact, I might add. You have wanted to be spanked so that you could compound your own pain, so that you could get your pain fix. No matter what I said, no matter how I tried to assist you in seeing that there were other, more appropriate means through which to access your past, you have consistently refused to give up your game. I needed you to see how dangerous it could become, and in spite of the fact that I didnt follow through, you were able to see that. So, essentially, the plan worked, and I am very glad about that. So why did you stop? Why didnt you just follow through and spank me there at the Weston house and embarrass me even more? Because you were aware of the emotional manipulation, even if only on a subconscious level. Because I saw the fault in
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my logic and knew that I would be abusing you if I followed through, on the basis of behaviors on your part, that were contrived by our complicit actions. Because, I could not reinforce the perception that you were bad, when in fact you were not; but rather had been manipulated into acting inappropriately. But the fact is, that you and the Westons had conspired to trick me into asking for a spanking, isnt it? Yes, he responded, and I heard the pain in his voice. I thought about what might have happened if he had followed through with it. This was a mistake. As soon as I let myself return to that room in the Weston house, and pictured him pulling me over his lap I became increasingly angrier. The angrier I got the more I needed an outlet for it, and more I needed the outlet, the more frustrated and frightened I became. It was no wonder to me that suddenly, the game kicked in, with a furry I had yet to experience. But the game isnt over! I cried, as the pain in my solar plexus suddenly became a firestorm. You said, at that time, that I could have a spanking any time I felt needed one, and all I had to do is ask for it. Well, Im asking for it! Christy, you dont want to do this right now. Yes I do! I yelled, anger and betrayal seething within me, poisoning my objectivity, twisting in my heart like a knife. You said I could have it anytime I wanted it! Okay, I want it! I know its
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just a fix, but I want it anyway! I want a real spanking, not just a few smacks either! Aranon let go of me and stood up, took a deep breath and for a moment just looked at me, seemingly uncertain as to what to do. All right, he said finally, his voice laden with pain as his eyes filled with tears. If thats what it is going to take to put this behind us, then I guess that is what I will have to do. The tears shocked me. Aranon had rarely shown any emotion other than love and acceptance in response to my erratic and emotionally intense behaviors. Nevertheless, I was unwilling to back down. He went to the synthesizer, in this room that looked like mine, and began tapping out a code on the keypad. When the tone sounded he opened the door and withdrew a flesh-colored disk the size of a silver dollar that appeared as though it were made of very soft plastic. He returned to the chair, sat down facing me and held the disk out for me to look at. He then placed it in the palm of his right hand where it disappeared. What was that? I demanded, angrily. Its called a neural stimulator. When affixed to the palm of my hand, it will stimulate the nerves in your body in such a way as to simulate the experience of being spanked. The experience will seem completely real except that there will be no physical after569
effects. It wouldnt work if I hadnt actually, physically, hurt you in this way on a previous occasion. The cellular memory has to be there for it to be restimulated. I wont lie to you, Christy, it will become very painful, and the pain will continue to intensify until you ask me to stop the stimulation process. I stood there, still seething with anger, and yet shaking with fear. I said I want a real spanking! I yelled, as he reached out and began to pull me over his lap. I pulled away from him, standing my ground. This is as real as you are going to get, he said, his voice breaking with intense emotion. I doubt you will be able to tell the difference. His eyes swam with tears, but as yet none had escaped down his cheeks. Still, in spite of seeing how genuinely upset all of this was making Aranon, my brain was being triggered to flood my system with dopamine, epinephrine, glucocorticoids, norepinephrine and neuropeptides. My breathing became more and more rapid, coming in gasps and my legs began to shake. The pain was building in the pit of my stomach, like a fire approaching the flashburn stage. We can stop now, Christy, he stated, his voice rasping, as though he were breathing in the flames from the fire within me. We dont need to play this out. You neednt subject yourself to all
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of this pain. His voice cracked with the pain of knowing in his heart that once the cycle had begun, I would not be able to agree to stop it. My need was too great. My rational mind too overwhelmed by it. Do it! I croaked, driven by my insane need. Aranon pulled me across his lap, his heart breaking. He focused his attention on the neural stimulator in his palm, as a sob slipped past his usually unyielding emotional control. Then, as the device came to life, the sound of a loud slap coincided with the incredibly painful sensation of being smacked, and I let out a blood-curdling scream that tore into his soul. I began to struggle in his grasp, instinctively trying to cover my backside with my hand. Then, in my minds eye, flashed a memory from my childhood. I stood outside my fifth grade classroom, peeking through the small thin window in the classroom door as my teacher paddled a boy: one of my classmates. I remembered the initial loud crack of the paddle on the boys buttocks, and the boys initial scream and his struggle to cover his bottom with his hand. I remembered the teacher stopping and grabbing the boys arm, pinning it behind him to avoid breaking the bones in his hand with the paddle. When the teacher continued with the paddling and the boy began to scream again, I remember wishing it was me getting the paddling. Is that enough, Christy? Can we please stop this now?
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Aranon waited, hopefully, for a response beyond the initial scream and the attempt to cover my backside with my hand that would indicate I had changed my mind. No! I said firmly, knowing that it was my addiction saying this and yet being unable to stop myself. I heard him catch his breath, as though he were shocked by my reply. I was in the full throws of my addictive need now; nothing short of mind numbing pain was going to satisfy that need. Tears spilled from his eyes as he struggled to produce the most painful, most terrifying experience possible. He reached across my body and grabbed my arm and pulled it behind my back, pinning it with his free hand, just as the teacher in my flashback had done with the boy. Finally, he refocused his attention on the neural device and once again, it recommenced mirroring the experience that my twisted desire for pain and abuse had created. He allowed himself to experience that pain with me and to sob with me, as he tried desperately to comprehend this twisted need. Suddenly, in the midst of this inconceivable pain and terror, Meestra stepped in and allowed me to experience everything that had precipitated this event; including Aranon discussing his intentions with Sam and Jeannie preliminary to our dinner visit, although not with Andy, who seemed to divine the importance of what was happening on his own. She then allowed me to
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experience what Aranon was experiencing, the emotional as well as the physical pain he was allowing himself to endure with me in an effort to understand my obsession with the Game. This, in turn, intensified the pain I was experiencing even more. Then, she allowed me to feel the desperation and incredible sadness he felt when he recognized the power that this twisted addiction held for me. It became more than I could bear. Stop! Aranon! Please! Stop! I tried to scream, after an indeterminate period of time, amidst the sobs that were racking through me. I was thoroughly terrified and shocked by the power and the realness of the experience. Aranon! Please! Stop! I repeated, trying to enunciate the words between desperate gasps. He quickly broke his connection with the device and drew in a ragged deep breath as he struggled to reign in his emotions and stop the sobs that were racking through his body and his soul. He pealed the device from his palm and threw it to the floor, disgusted with it. For a moment we both sobbed deeply and then he released my arm and drew me up into an embrace, overwhelmed and shocked by the intensity of the experience he had generated for me. Ineverwantyoutodothatagain! I cried, between sobs and deep gasps for breath. Idont careif I ask for it! Dont everdo itagain!
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I felt deeply ashamed that I had goaded him into doing this, my previous anger now eclipsed by the terrifying power of the experience. I brought my hands up and covered my face; unable to look at him, unable to process the pain and shock I saw in his eyes and on his face; I continued to sob. For a few moments, Aranon struggled to compose himself. Christy, I care about you too much to allow you to persist in this self-defeating, self-destructive behavior that will never get you what you truly want, he said, after finally regaining his voice. I am heartened by your request that I never do it again. Regardless, even if you had not made that request, I could never do it again. As I joined you in that experience, I felt the power of it, I felt what it was doing to the chemistry of your body, and I felt the seductive, addictive lure of it. I also recognized that eventually, probably sooner than later, its power would become deadly. I will not be a party to your physical dissolution in the name of honoring a commitment, the implications of which I had not yet come to understand. I understand now, and there will be no more spankings. Okay, I sobbed, relaxing in his embrace, my hands falling away from my face. As I looked up at him and saw the tears in his eyes and the sheen of tears on his face along with the genuine shock and pain, my heart broke for him. Im so sorry, Aranon. I never meant to hurt you like that.
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It was my choice, Christy. I needed to know exactly what it was doing to you and for you. I needed to understand your desperate need for it. I understand it now and from now on we will use the process we developed to deal with those intense needs. Eventually, through the use of its healing energy, hopefully that process will eliminate your need for such incredible pain. This is a very powerful addiction, Christy. Still, if you are committed to releasing it, you will prevail over it. I meant what I said, I responded, emphatically. You must never, ever, do that to me again. I can see where it could actually kill me. I dont want to die that way and I definitely dont want you to be the one to cause my death, even though I know that you, especially you, have the power and the technology to bring me back. And someday, I am going to go back to Earth, where there will be no technology like this, no Aranon, no Meathos to bring me back. I will need to have licked this by then. Aranon embraced me as tears of relief filled his eyes. What do you say, Christy? Do we go to Archana or do you need more time to recover from this ordeal? Why do they even like me on Archana, when I am such a horrible person? I asked, tearfully. Because you are not a horrible person. You are a deeply spiritual, highly intelligent, creative, caring and sensitive individual with a few distortions, due to profound abuse. They know you will
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work through it. They can see the light shining through the darkness you often surround yourself with. They, like I, can see your incredible potential. Face it Christy, you are loved, in spite of yourself. He gave me another hug and kissed me on the forehead. No one holds your difficulties against you. Maybe you could practice not holding them against yourself, as well. I dont want to be this way, but sometimes I just cant stop myself. What will you do if I get stuck in that need again? I think we have that covered now, with the process we developed. Once you understand where the need comes from, I know that you will be able to choose to release the behaviors that have kept you ill for so long. It is not uncommon, my dear, for individuals who have lived through terrible abuse, to develop behaviors and to make decisions and choices that perpetuate their abuse. In such cases pain and abuse become ones identity and it is difficult to release that position until one can see the possibility of developing a new, more self-affirming identity. You have that opportunity here and now and I am going to do everything in my power to see that you get the full benefit of that opportunity. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight, tears still flowing copiously from my eyes. I didnt know how to respond to his words, but I knew that he really did care about me and was truly willing to go to any lengths to prove that to me.
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I really would like to go to Archana again. Is it too late? He smiled broadly, and placed me on my feet on the floor. He reached down and picked up the disk, got up and placed it in the recycler. He then took my hand and opened the door. Its never too late, Christy, to do the things that can change our lives, and bring joy to the lives of others. He led me back into the corridor. So, the first time you spanked me was real, wasnt it? I asked, still reeling from this most recent experience. When I remembered the man in the basement, Mr. Eddy? Yes, he replied, sadly, that was real. I could not have used the neural stimulator without an actual experience to connect with. Nevertheless, it was that initial experience that made me decide that it must never, physically, happen again. And I have truly decided that even the simulation must never happen again, I added honestly, meaning it. The game is over! I never want to play it again! Especially when I saw how much it hurt youdo you suppose that it really did hurt you more than it hurt me? Quite possibly, Dear One. Yes, it quite possibly did. Never again, during my remaining time with Aranon at Anchore Station, did I seek, either through my actions or by direct request, the pain and abuse of a spanking. I had finally ended the
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game.
Thirty-Two
By the time that we arrived at the Weston house, I was pretty much back to normal and looking forward to this trip, and to Aranons experiment of giving each of my alters their own body for a time. My eyes were probably still red, but I was feeling much more optimistic. Maybe because I knew that I would never again succeed in manipulating Aranon into hurting me, or punishing me and therefore it felt safer to be with him, especially in public.
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Aranons knock was met by sharp little barks that soon became whines and snuffles at the base of the door. Aranon and I both laughed at this. Back for more, I see, remarked little Andy, peeking around the door as he opened it. Aranon shot him a disapproving look as Piddles launched himself out of the door and began jumping at my feet, squealing and whining. I picked him up and followed Aranon inside, unable to pass up the opportunity to stick my tongue out at Andy as I walked past him. Jeannie came out of a back room as we walked into the living room. Aranon! She said, with a genuine smile. What brings you by? She continued down the hall and then saw me, and gave me one of those plastic smiles. Oh, hello Christy. We came to get Piddles again. I think this time its for good. Are you still wanting to find another home for him? Andy, she asked, Are you still willing to give up Piddles? Andy came around beside his mother and stood facing us, looking up at Aranon, his face grim. I dont know. Is this the best thing for Piddles? Piddles thinks it is, Aranon replied. Denying him that choice would probably be unfair to him. Also, he is going to get as much love and attention as he wants, and I think that would be very good for him. What do you think, Andy?
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I am starting to pay him more attention, said Andy, defensively. I am doing all of the prescribed exercises, Uncle Aranon. I think I deserve another chance. He looked from Aranon, to his mother, but avoided my eyes. Please, he whined in his little baby voice. You would deny piddles his choice? Asked Aranon. Or is it that you would deny Christy his company? The truth is, Andy, she will not be keeping him. Like you, Andy, she is much too involved in her process to be capable of meeting his needs adequately. So then where will he be going? He asked, with a shocked look on his face. To a family on Archana, where they are not only better equipped to care for him, but can also converse with him and ask him what he wants and needs. Now wouldnt that be nice for Piddles? Asked Aranon. Andy shook his head and stamped his little foot. I want to keep him! Lets you and I go have a private talk. Aranon picked Andy up and carried him down the hall. I dont spank! I heard Andy yell before a door closed. So, Christy, said Jeannie, are things going better for you? You dont have to be nice to me if you dont want to, Jeannie. I dont have anything invested in you liking me, I said, trying to relieve the tension.
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A shocked look swept across her face like a dark cloud. Im not sure I understand what you are saying. You dont have to be nice to me; you dont have to make small talk; you dont even have to have me in your house if you dont want to. I can wait outside. Christy, why dont we go into the kitchen and have some tea. She gave me a real smile and put her arm around me and led me into the kitchen. Do you like tea? Sure, I said, a little shocked by her response. She indicated a chair and I sat down while she busied herself with making tea. Once it was brewing, she came and sat down across from me. Christy, she began, looking me in the eye, I dont dislike you. I dont even know you. All I know about you is that you are one of Aranons charges right now and that you seem to require a lot of attention. Tears jumped into my eyes, as I was triggered into reliving an incident in my past where I had been accused of just wanting attention. She immediately jumped up and came over to me, putting her arm around me. Oh, Honey, I didnt mean to hurt your feelings. Im not sure what it was that I said that caused you to feel hurt, but what ever it was, Im sorry. I would like to get to know you. I would like to be your friend, if youll let me. Sam thinks you are extremely talented and he says you have a good soul. Sam is almost always right. She pulled her chair around the end of the table and sat next to me, taking my hands in hers. Can
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we please start over? Okay, I replied, feeling ashamed by my behavior. She got up and brought the tea to the table and filled two cups, handing me one. Then she went and got what looked like a jar of honey! I love tea and honey! She shoved my tea over to me and put the honey between us. Okay, so you are obviously from twentieth century Earth, USA, mid west maybe. Tell me where youre from. Im from Phoenix, Arizona, 1968. Oh my gosh! The hippy generation! Me too! Did you live in a commune? Now I know who you are! Youre Crazy Christy! She raised her hand to her mouth, in abject embarrassment, her face going white. Oh God! Im sorry, you lived in the same commune I did! It was extremely unkind of us to call you that. I was just a kid then; Bob and Charlis kid. Do you remember me? You used to play with me all the time. Youre all grown up! You couldnt be! It was just two years ago! I was shocked when she mentioned Bob and Charli; the only real married couple in the group. Their daughter was only nine. At most she could be twelve, but most likely eleven. Oh youll get used to all that time stuff after a while, she said, using her hand to brush it away. I was rescued when I was nineteen, from a crashing airplane, while flying out to start my first
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semester at Pen State. I would have majored in commercial art. So, technically, I was rescued after you were. Nevertheless, I have been here for five years. You see, time means nothing to them. Oh, I said, realizing that Aranon had mentioned that they could go back and forward in time. Yeah, well Im still crazy. You dont seem crazy to me. Not now. You do seem to be burdened with a lot of pain. Im sorry if anything I did or said back then caused you more pain. No, you were probably my best and only friend, especially at the end, before they insisted that I call my parents and get them to send me a ticket home. I required too much attention back then too. I used to wish that your daddy would adopt me, but that was a silly fantasy. Even at twenty-one I needed too much from those who showed me even the slightest consideration. Even you. I even became too dependent on you, and you were just a little kid. I always thought you were fun! None of the other adults had time for me, but you just became a kid and played whatever I wanted to play. Actually, come to think of it, you were an important grounding factor in my life at a time when I could have been very vulnerable. Shortly after you left, we left. Daddy didnt think he wanted to stay with a group that was so wrapped up in
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their free love and drugs that they couldnt give real love and compassion to those who truly needed it. I think if you had asked him to adopt you, he may have said yes. She smiled, and then giggled. Remember when you used to read me science fiction books under the covers while all the adults were humping? I laughed. It was a deeply satisfying laugh. I used to love this kid! She always knew exactly what was going on, but she chose to ignore it. She vowed she would never take drugs or get horny for everything in pants. She was going to be an artist! She was going to be a fashion designer! She was keeping that promise when she came within a hairs breadth from death. I realized that I still loved her. I put my arms around her while we laughed and giggled and then just hugged. While we were drinking our tea and laughing, swapping commune stories, Aranon and Andy came into the kitchen. Andy saw Piddles curled in my lap sleeping and gave me a glare that dripped jealousy. Okay, Piddles will be joining us, Said Aranon. He looked at each of us, and his face changed. He raised an eyebrow in a questioning look. I see you two have had time to get to know each other. No, we have had time to discover that we already knew each other, said Jeannie. This is the lady I told you about that kept me safe in the commune. We have been reminiscing. Its
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been wonderful! Isnt it amazing how the Source Of All Being draws us together at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected places? Aranons face now filled with delight. You know her, Mommy? Asked Andy as he leaned his head on her lap. Yes. She helped me through a very difficult time and place in my life. She pet his head, running her fingers through his hair. I dont have to like her, he said, his head still in his mothers lap. You do have to be polite, she said, giving his hair a little tug. She stuck her tongue out at me! He countered. Yes I did, I said, feeling the need to be honest. Im sorry I did that, Andy. Will you forgive me? You just want to take my dog, he said, cynical beyond his years. His mother tugged on his hair again. Well she does! He pushed away from his mother and ran out of the room. You have to excuse Andy. His Intellectual development is way ahead of his emotional and physical development, and this leaves him frustrated. In many ways, he is still just a baby. I think he is jealous of you, Christy. Piddles isnt very fond of him most of the time. And his Uncle Aranon is spending all his time with you. And now mommy likes you too. He has to get used to sharing his
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world with others. Its hard for him. Thanks for explaining it like that, I said. I have been having a very hard time relating to him. Im sorry if I did or said anything that was unkind. Hey, sometimes I wana stick my tongue out at him too, just so he can see how silly we are being! Maybe you should, said Aranon, chuckling. Its about time we go, Jeannie. I am so glad that the two of you have rediscovered one another! I think Christy should visit with you again, next time on her own. Maybe, if there is time we can set a date when we get back from Archana. Id like that! She said, and then got up to walk us to the door. I shifted Piddles into my Arms and got up too. I would like that too. I smiled at her as we went out the door. She tossed me a kiss, like she did as a kid, and I tossed one back. As we reached the end of the sidewalk leading from the Weston house, Aranon took out his communicator and held it to his forehead. Are you ready for transfer? Came Remmies voice. Ready on this end, replied Aranon, smiling down at me. Okay, grab on, take a deep breath and count to ten, She giggled, all the way from Archana. Aranon put his arm around me and drew me close as I
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hugged piddles tightly. I took a deep breath and then mentally counted to ten. The scene around us blurred and shifted and then we were standing on a transport square and Remmie was standing at the edge of the raised golden square. Her face lit up immediately, as we stepped down, and she rushed to me, giving me a welcoming hug and Piddles an affectionate pat. I cant wait to hear what you have planned, Aranon, she said, giving him a hug as well. It looks to me like there are only the three of you. We are probably going to need the okay of the High Council to complete the rest, and I would imagine that we will need the energy of the Think-See to do it, but it promises to be an interesting experiment. Ill explain it when we get to your place. Well then, lets not waist time. She led us back on to the square and nodded to the Sensarian operator, and a second later we were standing in Remmies kitchen. Ill just make some refreshments, and we can relax and talk. Aranon and I sat down at the table, while Remmie busied herself with putting together the refreshments. After a few moments, she came to the table with a tray, laden with fruit and what looked like little sandwiches, a beautiful crystal pitcher filled with a rosy liquid and three earthen mugs. It had been a while since I had eaten, so I grabbed one of the sandwiches and took a bite. It tasted a lot like peanut butter and jelly. I think I gobbled
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three of them before Remmie caught my eye and grinned. You like those! She said, happily. I was hoping that you would. Tastes like peanut butter and jelly, I said. My inner kids love that! You must think Im starving, but its just so good I cant get them to stop! We dont have real peanuts here, she explained, but we do have a nut that is close in taste. The jelly, I made from koaga fruit, that big red fruit there, she pointed to the fruit in the bowl. The bread was a challenge. We have no ovens, as we have never found the need to cook. But my archeology team found what looked like one in a dig last year, and I have spent the last few months trying to understand the principles that made it work. I finally realized that all I really needed was a way to concentrate a medium heat in a small earthen box, like the ones we cure our crockery in, and that seemed to do the trick. The hardest part was finding out what went into making bread. That took a whole team of researchers a week to master, but there you have it! I am so glad that it pleases you. My family seems to find it pleasing too. I learned a lot about the Earther diet when I was on Anchor, and have been trying to reproduce most of my favorite dishes ever since I got back. Its wonderful! I said, relishing yet another of the small sandwiches. I am amazed that you spent so much time
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developing it. Obviously, you have many talents. When I like something, I get a little obsessive about it. She said, her face beaming with pride. But it generally pays off. Remmie is not content with just studying the past, commented Aranon, also relishing a sandwich. She wants to reproduce it. Yes, well the Council isnt always happy about that. There are a lot of things from the past that they would rather I left well enough alone. Her face grew pensive for a moment. In some cases, I think they are probably right in their desire to dissuade me. Some things are best left in the past. Yes, but bread and jelly, sure arent one of them, I said, licking the jelly off my fingers. She and Aranon laughed. Okay, Aranon, whats the plan? Asked Remmie. What I would like to do is give Christys individual aspects a chance to express through their own physical bodies, like we did with Lynn the last time we were here. Only this time I would like the forms to persist for a while, so that they can get to know one another, and experience life in a controlled environment, where they can all feel safe. So what are we looking at here? She asked. I gather there are four of them. Are they all female? What are their ages? There is one male and three females. The first one is Sissy, a female who is about three years old. The second is Lynn, whom
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you know. The third is a boy, Davy, who is around nine. The fourth is Kerry, whose age is yet to be determined, but appears to be a teenager, Aranon explained. Kerry and I will be taking a short trip; something I promised her in return for some much needed assistance. In order to do that, I need a safe environment for the others to stay. Of course, I thought of you and your family as a means through which to make this possible. Well, we may need to call in another Sensarian Teaching Guide to help out, but I think its doable. I think we will only need three rooms, said Aranon. I hope you didnt make more than that. I was listening, Aranon. In spite the fact that you were such a buttinski. She grinned at him. I like the word. Are you still studying English slang? Asked Aranon with a grin. I have graduated to reading books. Your culture has so many wonderful books, Christy. I find them almost as absorbing as the Think-See, but if you repeat that, Ill deny it. She giggled conspiratorially, as she gave me a friendly hug. Whats your favorite author? I asked. There are so many! And so many categories! I think I like novels best, but your history is very interesting. I believe that I am discovering a great many parallels between what we are uncovering about our own previous culture; which we are now
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starting to investigate openly thanks to you, Christy; and your own culture in your present time. That is why I am so interested in your history. I would like to see if there was some sort of turning point, where Humanity started loving their machines more than each other. I can answer that one, I said. Humanity has always had a difficult time loving one another. Machines just gave them new and more ingenious ways of hurting and killing one another. But then that got too scary, because they suddenly realized that they were rapidly becoming capable of destroying the whole planet with just the push of a button. So they turned to machines for communication and travel, as well as for policing the world, to make sure nobody pushed that button. Thats about where they are right now. I see, said Remmie, her face rapt with fascination. Do you think things would have been different if you had all been psychically connected, like we are? Are you kidding? I asked. I have no way of knowing how things would be different, but I know for a fact they would be. I believe that we would not have the warring spirit that we have, and that we would probably have only one government that everyone would participate it in. I dont think we would have money. I also dont think we would have as much mechanization. Most of our mechanization was born out of the ingenuity of
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individuals who were conscripted by governments to develop more effective ways of making war. We probably would have developed rapid transportation, better medicine and more effective ways of feeding and housing the masses. We probably would have developed a planetary spirituality, and thus, because we are a curious lot, would have developed astrophysics in hopes of exploring the universe that houses us. So, you would probably have developed much like we have. Interesting. She looked back to Aranon. Would you like to see the rooms? That would be nice, he said, getting up. The traditional format of a family dwelling is that the small children are housed above the adults and elder children, and are supervised, from the time of their birth, by a Sensarian Nurse and Teaching Guide, who become the childrens second parents. The Siminian parents provide the food and housing for the Nurse and the Teaching Guide, and the space for the children to be cared for and trained by them. We as parents can participate as much and as often in this process as we would like. Anyway, the childrens rooms are always upstairs. We all climbed the stairs to the next level. The last time I had come to this level, Remmies children where here with their Teaching Guide. Today, the open playroomclassroom was empty. It now contained one more table a little
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larger than the one already there. Another thing I noticed was that there were two more doors on the periphery of the room. Remmie went to one of the doors and opened it, to reveal two beds bracketing a large round window that allowed the ambient light to flow in. The window was inset into the wall of the room, there being about three feet to the end of the short tunnel where the actual glass was, if it was glass. I was suddenly reminded of the book by J.R.R. Tolkien called The Hobbit. This could be the girl, Lynns room, the eight year old. She said. I know, there are two beds. I wasnt really sure of what you would need. Maybe the extra bed will be useful in case the little one is uncomfortable in the nursery with my children. Good thinking, said Aranon. She went to the next door and opened it. It had only one bed. This could be the boy, Davys room. He gets to bunk alone because he is a boy, and he is too old for the nursery, and too young to bunk downstairs with Aranon. If he becomes too frightened about being alone, can we bend those rules a little, too? Asked Aranon. You may have to take it up with the Teaching Guide, but I dont see why not. You are visitors, and you are also aliens whos customs differ. The Little one will sleep in the nursery with my children, if she is willing. I have a feeling that she will be comfortable with
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that. Her physical and psychological development is probably very close to that of my own children, and they are not so physically dissimilar as to be frightening to her. There is also the Nurse, present all night, to see to their needs. Hopefully she will not be frightened of the Sensarian Nurse. We will see to it that she gets to meet a Sensarian as soon as she gets her own little body, so she can see that we are not afraid, and that they are kind and gentle. I said, deciding that I was also part of this experiment and should have a say. Also a good idea, said Aranon, smiling and giving me a wink. The other girls room is downstairs because she is no longer a child. As a matter of fact, you will be sharing that room with her, Christy. At least while she is here. Thats good, I said, not sure if it would be or not, but willing to give it a try. She is too old for the training process that the smaller children get, but I will ask for a special Teaching Guide for her, and you too, Christy, that is if thats what you would like. Actually, I said, hesitantly, not wanting to be improper, I was hoping to be able to spend time with the Esteemed Aldalgo. Ah, Said Remmie. Well, maybe that can be possible. During the time that the other is on her trip with Aranon? That would be fine, I conceded.
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Good! Then its all settled. I suppose you will be wanting to go to the High Council now, right Aranon? Yes, that would probably be the thing to do next. Christy, you will need to go with me, as it is your aspects that will I will be petitioning to be separated from you, and I suppose you should go too, Remmie, being that you will be housing them all. Oh I plan to be there, she said, grinning at him. This will be an historic event, and I for one want to be present! Well, then, smiled Aranon, I guess we best be going.
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Thirty-Three
We took Remmies shortcut to the Grand Council Plaza, where there was everything from courts of law, to ceremonial halls, to the Grand Council chambers themselves. Generally, when the Grand Council was approached with a request, it was done in a small chamber, just large enough for the petitioner, his supporters and the Council members themselves. But this petitioner was renowned, and the speculation as to what it was had drawn a huge crowd. So, the Grand Council had been moved to one of the great ceremonial halls to accommodate the thousands who came to see and hear the petitioners request. Remmie explained all this when Aranon wanted to know where
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we were going. You dont think I could have kept this a secret, do you Aranon? She said. You and Christy are big news now, and I am certain our call was monitored by legions! You know that I am in constant contact with those in my core group, and they with their families, and they with their friends and neighbors. I mean it just goes on and on. The price we pay for being in and of one mind. I am sure the whole thing will be broadcast to every available communicator in the known galaxy. This is the biggest event on this planet since Christys Citizenship Ceremony! What is it about me that has them all acting like I am a rock star? I asked. You were willing to share yourself, your feelings, your hopes and dreams with us on our level. No off-worlder has ever done that before. But you are much more important and loved than a rock star. You are a child of the stars who has come home. You have become one of us, and because you cannot access our love and our awe of you through your consciousness, psychically, your family is here to show their support in the only way they know you can experience it right now. Wow! I said feeling overwhelmed. But Im just a crazy kid from Phoenix. I really still dont understand. I think that is the most charming thing about you, she said, giving me a hug. You dont desire power or control. All you desire
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is to understand. Well, I said, thinking over what she said. I guess youre right about that. I have a hard enough time controlling myself, a difficulty that will probably diminish as I gain more understanding. I just hate to disrupt your normal lives like this. I mean I am sure that all these people have better things to do. How is it that they knew we would be coming now? There is no higher purpose than to seek understanding and to support those we love in doing the same. As soon as you arrived, they knew you were here, and probably started showing up for the petition hearing shortly thereafter. She smiled at me softly and touched my face. I feel so honored to be able to play such an important part in your search for understanding. Golly, I said, feeling about as embarrassed as I have ever been. I think they all had the wrong idea about me. Surely, if they could see into my consciousness, they could also see what a mess it is. How in blazes does singing a couple of songs and holding a child make me a celebrity? When we entered the great hall, a hush rushed across the masses that were jammed in there. Remmie led us down the center isle, and the Council members stood to greet us as we approached. Gosh I was nervous. This was Aranons thing. I didnt have a clue how it would be accomplished, but I worried
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that it might hurt. At that moment, Remmie put her arm around me and gave me a gentle smile. The Most High of the High Council; the same wizened Sensarian who questioned me and presented me with the medal thats the symbol of my citizenship; motioned toward a set of steps that led up to the dais upon which their chairs stood behind a gleaming wooden table. Remmie walked beside me up the steps as we followed Aranon, who was quite a figure, in his white, shiny, skin-tight coverall, his olive skin and his platinum hair. Now him I would come to see! We took our place beside Aranon, facing the council. Aranon bowed, so Remmie and I bowed. The Council bowed back and took their seats. I guess we were supposed to stand. Present your petition! Said the Most High. I petition the Council for permission to use the Think-See to perform an experiment which may prove highly beneficial to my charge. Explain the experiment. My charge has a unique experiential-based condition. She has experienced profound physical, emotional and psychic trauma that has shattered her consciousness into five separate identities. I wish to give her four inner identities their own physical bodies, for a period of three of your solar days. The purpose of
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this is to give all five of these individuals the opportunity to get to know, to trust and to love one another so that they might henceforth work together towards attaining their common goal of understanding and the sharing of that understanding. It is my feeling that if they are able to express in their own bodies, as they perceive themselves, in a safe and controlled environment, that they would discover their strengths and their inner connection. It is my contention that once they are separated, and validated as individuals, they will spontaneously develop nonverbal communication, laying the groundwork for the development co-consciousness when they are returned to the host body. This would also provide me with the means of honoring a promise that I made to one of the identities, concerning a trip for just her and I. If you grant this petition, you will be assisting in the healing of this fractured one, he indicated me, as well as furthering our understanding concerning this rare but rapidly increasing condition. He bowed and then remained silent. Come, stand before me, said the Most High, motioning to me. I looked around and then realized he actually meant me. I went up to the table and stood before him. Is this what you would like? He asked. How could I know? I asked. It has never been done before, ever. I have no idea what it would feel like to be split into five different bodies. But after hearing what Aranon just said, I
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think it might be a good thing. I am for anything that helps all of me to understand and to grow into one mind. Being all broken like this is no picnic, believe me. The Most High smiled at me and then conferred with the others, silently, on another level while they all sat ram-rod straight, their eyes flickering. I shifted from one foot to another, feeling self-conscious standing there. Are you prepared to become separated? asked The Most High, finally looking me in the eye. Is there something I should do to become prepared? I asked, feeling that if there was, I should know about it. Your willingness is all that is required, He said, smiling kindly. Okay then, I said. Im ready. Im prepared. He nodded and the others at the table nodded, and then there arose singing from the crowded hall, and the room became filled with an electricity that was palpable. Somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I felt myself becoming dizzy, and then feint, and I felt Aranon grab me and lift me into his arms. Cheers roared through the hall and opened my eyes and looked around. There, before Aranon, Remmie and I, in a row before the table stood four children, two little girls, a little boy, and a teenaged girl. Wow! I said, and Aranon smiled at me and then put me down. I walked up to each of them, who seemed terrified, and
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looked in their eyes. Sissy was sniveling and sucking her thumb. I went to her and picked her up. Even at three, she was very petite and easy to hold. Okay, you guys, listen up. You are not on Earth anymore and so everything is gonna seem a little strange, but dont be scared, because Aranon, Remmie, and I will take care of you and keep you safe. Lynn walked over to Aranon and took his hand, smiling up at him. You used to live inside this body here, I pointed to myself, and after a little while, you will all go back to this body. But until then, you get to be who you are, and we are all going to get to know each other. This is a gift, from the wonderful people who live on this planet. They have agreed to help us do this. Now, do you see me being all scared? They all shook their heads as one. Do you see me being excited and happy about the opportunity to get to meet all of you as individuals and get to know you? They all nodded as one. Great! So, lets all smile, like Lynn is doing, and then bow to these nice people behind the table here. Lynn, come stand by us for a minute and lets all bow. Lynn took her place in the line, while I continued to hold Sissy who was now wide eyed and watching everything. I bowed to the High Council and they all did so as well, in time with me. Now, we turn around and we bow to all the nice people who lent their energy to make it possible for us to all be our separate selves. We all turned as one, and
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bowed as one, as another cheer arose from the crowd. I then led my little brood down the stairs and down the center isle, as a befuddled Aranon and Remmie hurriedly followed us. Once we had reached the back of the hall, I stopped and waited for Remmie. Whats the fastest way back to your place through the least amount of people? I asked. Remmie laughed. You sure do know how to take charge, dont you? She grinned. That was awesome! Remmie, these kids are all feeling really vulnerable, and they need to be in a safe and private place so they can grasp what has happened to them. Suddenly, her face grew sober and she looked at the childrens confused faces. Of course, she said. Follow me. She led us through the entryway, and then through a side door, down a corridor and into a private office. Once we were all inside, including Aranon, she closed the door. Where are we? I asked, looking around the office. It had a big desk, and many soft chairs scattered around the room, almost like a sitting room. Its my fathers office. He meets here with individuals from other worlds to set up trade agreements. He and Mother are off planet right now. Oh, I replied. Then I turned to Aranon. I would like to
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introduce you to the kids, I said. I already know everyone but Davy. He walked over to Davy and put out his huge hand. Hello, Davy, Im Aranon. Im very glad to meet you. Are you a giant? Asked Davy, awestruck by Aranons size. Not on my world, replied Aranon, with a gentle smile. Do you know what has happened, Davy? Nope, he said, shaking his head. Up until just a little while ago, explained Aranon, You lived inside of Christys body. Did you know that? Nope, but thats what she said, he replied, pointing at me. Thats okay, you should be able to understand soon. In the meantime, you get to have your own body, the body you always wanted, for three whole days. You mean I am a real boy? He asked. Would you like to go somewhere private and look? Asked Aranon, with an understanding smile. Davy didnt reply, but rather stuck his hand down into his jeans and felt himself, his eyes growing big and then a gleeful smile overtook his face. Yippee! He cried, excitedly jumping up and down, Im a real boy! I can pee standing up! Aranon bellowed with laughter and knelt down and gave Davy a loving hug. Im glad that makes you happy, he said, his eyes filled with the tears of laughter. I am sure you will enjoy the
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next three days as much as the rest of us! He then went to Kerry, who had been standing with her arms folded across her chest, looking left out. You and I are going to take a trip, girl. He produced a devilish grin and a wink. And we are going to be really alone together. He did that Tom Selleck thing with his eyebrows again. I had to smile. Maybe on that trip you can get a feeling for what it is like to be a person with feelings of your own instead of spending all your time being on guard duty and walking sentry. You might even discover that you can have fun! Yeah, well, maybe, she said, on the defensive, as usual. And you might just take me somewhere and dump me, too. I couldnt dump you for long, he replied, chuckling. After three days you, Cinderella-Kerry, will go back to being part of the system again. No matter where you are, thats where you will go after three days. But in those three days, you could choose to take on a different role. You could choose to become the Pathfinder, for instance. Does that have an interesting ring to it? It might, she replied, interested, buy wary. Aranon then went to Lynn. How do you like this, Kiddo? Now you have a whole family, and they are all part of you! Isnt this fun? Yes, she said, and then laughed her little kid laugh, it is! He then came to me, and took Sissy from my arms. Her
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eyes were wide as saucers, as this giant picked her up, but she didnt cry. Hed been talking to everyone else and she could see that he was a nice giant. But, OOOH! He was SOOO big! He set her in the crook of his arm and looked her in the eye. You are a very brave little girl, Sissy. Will you be my little princess? Do I has to dance or sing on ever you say so? She asked, chewing on her fingers, while twisting her hands in front of her face. Not unless you want to, He smiled. All you have to do to be my little princess is to play and have fun. Weelly? Absolutely! I wanna be yer lidle princess! She said, smiling and nodding, her clutched hands nodding up and down with her little head. Wonderful! He exclaimed, happily, dancing her around the room in his arms as she giggled and laughed. Then he stopped. Okay, everyone, while you are enjoying your three days, with a body of your very own, you will be staying with Remmie, and her family. He waved his free hand at Remmie, who was just taking this all in like a sponge. She bowed to the kids and smiled. Are you a real live teddy bear? Asked Davy. No, replied Remmie. I am a real live Siminian, and you are
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on the planet Archana. You will be staying in my house, which by the way is inside a tree. That drew an excited grin from Davy. I will be your host and your guide while you are on my world. You will also get to meet my husband, and my two children, as well as their Teaching Guide and Nurse, who are of the same race as those men you bowed to in that big room filled with my people. My appearance may seem different, or maybe even scary, but I assure you, that I am just a person, just like you, and so is Aranon. No matter how different we look to other people, each of us, you included, are special and have much to share with one another. You will find that we have a lot more in common than you might think right now. I am really looking forward to getting to know each of you, and am also looking forward to your getting to know me. I think we are going to have a wonderful three days. She smiled at each of them and they all smiled back, even Kerry, who seemed intrigued by her. Okay, then. What we need to do now is get you all settled in, and the fastest way to do that is to go to the nearest teleporter. So, if you will all follow me, we will do that now. Remmie led us from the room and through a maze of hallways to a teleporter in a small rotunda. She instructed everyone to stand on the raised square beside her. It was a tight fit, but with me holding Sissy, and Aranon holding Lynn, we all made it. Then she nodded to the operator and we were all
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suddenly in Remmies kitchen. Thank goodness it had been enlarged! Okay, now, she said, as they all recovered from the rush of being one place and then another an instant later. Lynn, Sissy and Davy, if you will come with me, I will show you where you will be staying. I put Sissy down, Aranon put Lynn down, and the three dutifully followed Remmie. I decided that I wanted to make sure that they would be okay, so I followed after them. At the top of the stairs, I heard giggles, and as I arrived at the top I could see my kids pointing and laughing at Remmies children. I imagine it was because they were unclothed, as is the Siminian way. I pushed around Remmie, who didnt quite know how to handle this situation and stood before my kids. What is so funny? I asked, my face as stern as I could get it. They got no clothes on, said Davy, smirking. Thats because children dont wear clothes on this world. In fact, none of the Siminians wear clothes. The adults grow fur, but they dont wear clothes. They have never needed them. It is not cold here, so they have never had to wear clothes to keep warm. They dont have the same beliefs as we do either. They dont believe that their bodies are evil, dirty or bad. This is not your world its theirs. You are just visitors and I expect you to be kind and respectful toward the people who live here, and especially
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toward the children of our host. Do you all understand me? They nodded, reluctantly. Okay then, I want you to apologize to Remmie and her children for your behavior. They all muttered sorry to Remmie and then to her two children, who stood, confused by all of this, beside their Teaching Guide. Aldalgo smiled at them and motioned for them to come join Remmies children in an activity in progress at one of the small tables. With a subdued temperament, maybe out of embarrassment, they joined them as Aldalgo drew up small chairs for them to sit on. I finally felt that everything was going to be all right, so I decided to leave them in Aldalgos care. Remmie and I descended the stairs and found Aranon and Kerry sitting at the kitchen table. How are the little ones doing? Asked Aranon, smiling. They were behaving badly, I said. They were laughing and making fun of Remmies kids because they are naked. Ah, said Aranon. I was wondering how that would effect them. Christy handled it quite well, said Remmie, smiling and giving me an affectionate hug. Actually, it worried me at first, but after Christy talked to them, they settled right down. I think everything is going to be all right. Wonderful! Said Aranon, smiling broadly. Then he slapped the table in front of Kerry, and she jumped as though a gun had
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gone off. What do you say we go take a little trip? He said, looking into her eyes and grinning at her startled look. When she didnt respond, he got up and went around the table and put his hands on her shoulders. I promised you a special trip, he said, softly. Would you like to go now, or wait a while? He kneaded her shoulders, gently, attempting to relax her. Still, she didnt respond, her face set in an angry glare. Okay, then, lets just take a walk and you can see a little of this amazing culture. He took her arm and pulled her from the bench and then took her hand. Come on, he said, leading her toward the door, lets go explore. Aranon led Kerry out the door, and Remmie and I sat down at the table facing one another, looking at each other, tiredly, across the shiny wood tabletop. Do you think they are going to be okay? I asked her, wondering if all this had been such a great idea. Aranon knows how to reach even the hardest cases, replied Remmie, gently, patting the arm that I had rested on the table. No, I mean with the kids, the little ones. Do you think they will be able to adjust to all this strangeness? The Esteemed Aldalgo is as capable as Aranon, especially with children. I am sure that he will be able to handle whatever comes up. Why dont we make a meal for everyone? My husband
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will be home soon, and mealtime is always a good time for everyone to get to know each other. No matter what culture one finds oneself in, people will always have to eat. I think mealtime is a universal tradition and a good way for people of different cultures to bond. I guess you are right, I said. We got up and Remmie began to show me how to prepare a Siminian meal.
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Thirty-Four
Amid the glow of florescent leaves and moss and the bright shafts of sunlight dancing between leafy branches, to the rhythm of a wind high above the treetops, Aranon and Kerry walked. She had yet to say anything, still wearing her armor of anger and distrust. She walked along, looking mostly at her own feet, afraid of confronting the strangeness around her. She was totally off balance, unable to protect anyone but herself and uncertain she would be capable of doing that. Aranon gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Look around you Kerry! Look at this fantastic place! We are walking on a road, high
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up in a forest of giant trees! He waved his hand to indicate their surroundings. Be an observer for just a few moments. A good warrior has to be a good observer, has to become intimately aware of their surroundings, so as to be able to develop the best strategy in case of a confrontation. Kerry looked up, quickly scanning her environment, noting nooks in deep shade where she could hide if need be. Then, as she continued to investigate a sense of awe came over her, especially as she looked up and saw nothing but the glowing leaves of the trees and an occasional twinkle of sunlight. It was the enormity of the trees that really got to her. There were also the sounds of birds singing and children playing. The air was crisp and fresh, and in the background, the roar of the upper branches, as they were rustled by the wind. Wow! She said, breathlessly. This was definitely an alien world and it took her breath away. I think this is one of my favorite worlds, Said Aranon, smiling. Not only is it beautiful, but so are the inhabitants. A rare gem among planets. How come they all speak English? She asked. They know many languages and have studied your Earth culture for some time now. Even the children speak English. They have many visitors from your race, who come in search of
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understanding. A few of them have even visited Earth, on occasion, but have rarely been seen doing so. Also, because they have highly developed psychic abilities, what they don't know from their studies of us, they perceive through their psychic connection. So are they the ones in the flying saucers? She asked. No, he laughed, they dont need flying saucers, they just teleport. Oh yeah, I knew that. Theyre probably responsible for all the angel and devil myths, huh? Not all of them, but a portion of the Angel myths, Id imagine. He gave her hand another squeeze and smiled. You see? Its not that hard to just be yourself, now is it? I dont know, she replied, helplessly, I feel so off balance. Thats because you are not used to being the one out front, experiencing life, on lifes terms. Its so overwhelming. How does she do it? Thats easy, Aranon paused and smiled at her. You help her! You help her to feel strong and capable, safe and secure. Now what you need to learn to do, Kerry, is to do the same for yourself. I dont know how, she said, dropping her eyes back to her feet. When it was my time in the body, I screwed everything up!
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You just did it! You looked around you an allowed your surroundings to affect you. You allowed yourself to have feelings about how it affected you and you allowed yourself to communicate your feelings and perceptions. Thats all it takes! Youre a natural! He put his finger under her chin and lifted it until her eyes were looking into his. The most important thing to remember is that life is going on all around you and the best way to be part of it is to participate in it. Uh uh, she said, pulling her face away. That hurts. I have been there and done that and Im not gonna let myself get hurt like that again! Okay, but then you are not going to let yourself live, enjoy or have fun either. Its a package, Kerry. You cant have one without the other. Having a truly meaningful life requires that one be willing to accept both the pain and the joy of it. Why cant you just kill me and be done with it! She spat it out like a bad taste. I know, facing your pain is going to be very difficult. But Ill be with you and so will the others. You wont be alone for long. Why not take this opportunity to do something really bold like reaching for a taste of that joy that will be yours when you finish walking through your pain. There is no such thing as joy! Thats a myth! Stories we tell
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ourselves to stay alive. Well Im tired of the stories. There is no way past the pain! You either live with it or you die from it! Im ready to die! An instant later she started to run, taking Aranon completely by surprise. He caught up to her in two running steps and picked her up, kicking and screaming. Okay, Kerry, just calm down. I can see that you are really overwhelmed and are at a loss for an appropriate response. If you harm yourself, Kerry, you will be harming all the others in your system as well, no matter how alone you may feel in that borrowed body. I will not allow you to do that. She stopped struggling and he turned her around in his arms, so she was facing him. Now, you are here, in this borrowed body, to do what you asked for, namely take a trip with me to a fantastic planet. Personally, I feel we have accomplished that, because this is, you have to admit, a pretty fantastic planet. Admit it now, look in my eyes and tell me that this is not the most fantastic place youve ever seen, or even imagined! She turned her gaze away for a moment looking around her and then looked back into Aranons playfully expectant face, her own gaze washed in emotional anguish. Its really fantastic, Aranon, she said, her voice wavering with guarded emotion. I am just really having a hard time dealing with all these feelings. Before, I could focus on protecting the
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others from their feelings. Now all I have are mine, and I dont know what to do! Who will protect me from my feelings! I will for now, said Aranon, touching her forehead. Her whole body relaxed and her head went to his shoulder. And you will, as you learn how. He started back toward Remmies. As he entered the back door with Kerry, obviously asleep in his arms, Remmie and I were putting the finishing touches on the dining table. I had talked her into getting a bed sheet and draping it over the table like a tablecloth. She agreed and the effect was elegant! Wow! Said Aranon, I cant wait for dinner! Which is Kerrys room, Remmie? Second door on your left, right by the stairs. Is she all right? Just a bit overwhelmed, he said, taking her into her room and putting her on her bed. Then he joined us back in the kitchen. How long before dinner? Close to an hour, said Remmie. Targo should be here any minute, and then he will need to go see the children, which he does everyday, only today he is in for more than his usual fare, to be sure. How are the children? We havent looked. Aldalgo has not summoned us.
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Ill just go take a peak, he said and started for the stairs. I went with him because, after all, they were my kids. Before we got to the landing, Aranon stopped, where he could look in on the children without them noticing. I pushed past him and stood a couple steps higher so that I too could view the kids anonymously. Lynn and Davy were sitting at the larger table with Aldalgo, who was giving them some sort of lesson. The children seemed interested in their lesson, listening quietly while Aldalgo spoke to them in a subdued voice. Aldalgo always wore a long dark brown robe, and from where I stood on the stairs, he looked like a wizard instructing his apprentices. The Nurse always wore a light gray robe, but the Nurse and the three younger children, Sissy included, were nowhere to be seen. I knew that they had not come down the stairs because Remmie and I would have seen them. I wondered if they were all napping. I crept back down, past Aranon and went back into the kitchen to help Remmie. Do the children nap in the afternoon? I asked her. No, but Aridity usually takes them for a walk about now. But they didnt come down the stairs. No the nursery has its own private exit that leads to a common play area, where Nurses from several households bring their charges. Do you want me to take you there?
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No, Targo should be here any minute, and you should be here to greet him when he gets home. Targos a grown Siminian, he can take care of himself. And I for one would like to see how they play together. Well, my two older children are with Aldalgo, getting a lesson, so Sissy is the only one off playing with your kids. But you can go and I will wait for Targo. Dont you want to see how Sissy is getting on? It seems you wont let up till I concede, so lets go, I replied, frustrated. She smiled and turned toward the stairs and I followed. Aranon was still on the stairs, and Remmie told him where we were going as we pushed past him. Lynn and Davy turned as we walked through the room to a door on the other side at the end of a short hallway. They didnt speak to us though, and returned their attention to Aldalgo as soon as we had passed. Remmie opened the door at the end of the hallway and I could see shafts of sunlight dancing on the path beyond. Remmie! Look at the sun! Ive never seen the sun here. It happens sometimes, but when you were here last we were at the tail end of the rainy season. She smiled and took my hand. Come on, lets go see how the children are doing. She literally tugged me along.
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After a few moments of walking I could hear the voices of children laughing, playing. Within just a few more feet I could see the play area and a number of Siminian children playing, swinging on ropes or vines that came from branches above and crawling in and out of a tunnel of wood that protruded from the flat wide branch on which the play area stood. But I couldnt see Sissy. In fact it was difficult, I have to admit, to tell the children apart, and so I didnt really even see Remmies kids. There they are! Remmie pointed to the corner of the play area where three children played on a slick bump on the tree that acted as a small slide. The first thing I noticed was that Sissy was in the buff and seemed totally at peace with it. She stood out like a candle in a dark corner with her porcelain white body and her platinum blond hair flowing behind her as she ran. She was obviously having fun. Lets not disturb them, I said. They are having such a good time, and Sissy seems so comfortable without her clothes. I wouldnt want to remind her of that by showing up all dressed, and I am not ready for the nudist life just yet. I understand, said Remmie. They do seem to be doing well together though. Yes, they do. Is that their Nurse? Yes, thats Aridity. I will introduce you at dinner. She was
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also my Nurse as a child. She and Aldalgo are married I think. You dont know? I asked, incredulous. They are not very forthcoming with their relationship, and it is a point of honor not to pry. But, they have always been together in my household. Some Siminian families change Guides and Nurses every few years, sometimes even more often, but my beloved Aridity and the esteemed Aldalgo have been with me since my childhood. They shared my house with me even before I married Targo, or had my children. I think they stayed because of my emotional difficulties at first, since my parents were mostly off world, but then they just stayed and I was glad. I suppose you can see that I love them dearly. Yes, I said, and I also imagine that they love you dearly as well. Why else would they put up with all of this added work and inconvenience? Yes, I suppose they do, at that. Lets get back and see if Targo has arrived yet. Remmie? I asked as we walked back to her house. Do Sensarians have children? Of course they have children, she said. Then why havent I ever seen any? They are not raised by their parents, but instead are raised in big nurseries, or crches and in communal living centers, by
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Nurses and Guides. They do interact with the Siminians; at least the older ones do; as Aides for Guides and Nurses who work with large families. They also train at the teleport centers, at the service centers and for the council. You may have seen them and it didnt register that they were smaller than their adult counterparts. They are very regimented in their dress, and you rarely know whom you are dealing with because they all wear the same color and the type of clothing as everyone else in that branch of service wears. As a result, the children tend to blend in. So they never know their parents? Only when their parents want to know them. Some do, some dont. Its been this way as far back as our history goes. They are taught that all adults are their parents, but that some adults desire to sponsor their genetic offspring. It is an elective thing, but most children who are sponsored by their parents tend to sponsor their own children and sponsored children tend to fare better than those who are not sponsored. During the Sensarian daily suggestions they often hear the message that it is rewarding to sponsor your offspring. I work with Sensarians at the Sensarian University where I teach, so I have a bit more of an inside look than most Siminians have. As Remmie and I entered the nursery, Targo met us and
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embraced his wife, as soon as she was within reach. I went in search of Aranon, wanting to give them some space for their affection. As I walked through the main room I found it empty, so I went down the stairs. Aranon sat in a comfortable looking chair in the common room at the base of the stairs. Where are the Kids? I asked. They are in the bathroom getting a lesson in personal care. They seem to have really taken to Aldalgo. I could use a little lesson in that myself, I said, starting toward the bathroom off the kitchen. Nope, upstairs. They have their own bathroom. I assume they are getting a bath. Not together I hope! I said starting for the stairs. Whoa, hang on there, Christy. He grabbed my arm as I passed him. Aldalgo is with them, and he knows how to deal with children. There is also a young Nurse with them. She arrived a few minutes ago; I suppose to help with the bathing. Theyre in good hands. Why dont you just sit down next to me here and tell me how you feel about whats happened today. He patted the chair beside him. Amazed, scared, awed, confused, delighted and worried, I replied as I sat down. Tired too. I stretched out my legs to release the tension in them and then let them drop.
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Thats a good start. How does it feel being the only one in your system right now? I really hadnt thought much about it. But now that I think of it, I have been thinking more about them while they are apart from me than I did when we were all in here together. You certainly have a way of directing them. I am so proud of you, Christy. When you took charge of your children up on the dais, after you were split, I was so proud of you! You did everything right. You did what you had to do to take care of your children. You were gracious and considerate of everyone, but you were also sensitive to the needs of the children. I have to say; I was in awe of you and how well you functioned after being separated from four fifths your being. You have a very special soul, my dear, and some very unique talents. I just want you to know how much I admire you. He reached around and gave me a hug and then a gentle smile. Okay, I said, feeling undeserving of this praise. At that moment Piddles came practically rolling down the stairs and then into my lap, where he proceeded to lick me furiously. Piddles! Where have you been? It just dawned on me that I hadnt seen him since we arrived. He has his own out yard and sunning area just off the
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nursery. I would imagine that the children let him out there and forgot to let him in, at least until just a minute ago. Remmie explained, as she and Targo entered the common room. Targo is going to take a few moments with the children, and then we will all have dinner. You may want to wake Kerry. Ill do that, said Aranon, rising from his chair. Why dont you join Targo, Christy, as the visiting childrens parent? This is an important ritual that happens every day before the evening meal, explained Remmie, nodding toward the stairs to the childrens area. I ascended the stairs and then took my place beside Targo. The children were all lined up in a row, standing at attention, although Lynn was grinning, while the others, including Sissy, stood ramrod straight with their faces unsmiling. Davy and Lynn remained clothed, but Sissy was still in the buff, as she stood beside Remmies children in their natural state. Ah, we have a much larger family today, said Targo, walking along the front of the line, inspecting the children. You all look very fresh and clean, but I think I will need to check behind all these ears just to make sure. He inspected behind his daughters ears first, as she was the youngest. She stepped forward turned her head as he spoke to her, probably in their native tongue. Then he kissed her on the head and she stepped
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back in line. And who is this shiny haired child? He asked as he stood before Sissy. The Nurse gave her a little push and she stepped forward, shooting a look at me that seemed to question if everything was okay. I smiled at her and she looked up at Targo. He smiled down at her and then looked behind her ears. She giggled, as though she had been tickled, and then stepped back, trying to make her face stop smiling. Then his son stepped forward, and the ritual was repeated. The boy stepped back and Lynn stepped forward, having difficulty controlling her giggles and smiles. As Targo began inspecting behind her ears she dissembled into a giggling fit and Aldalgo gave her a stern glare. She straightened up and allowed Targo inspect the other ear without incident. Then it was Davys turn, and he took the whole thing with a serious demeanor, almost stoic. For a moment I thought he would salute Targo as he stepped back, so military were his movements. When he finished inspecting the children he turned and asked me if I wanted to do my own inspection. Did you find anything behind their ears that shouldnt be there? I asked. I find them all clean and in good condition, he replied, and then gave me a wink.
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Then I accept your findings. Shall we have dinner? Certainly, he replied, taking my arm and showing me to the stairs. At the head of the stairs he turned. Aldalgo, Aridity, you have done your job well and I would like to invite you to join us for dinner. Children, you will now join us in the dining room. He turned to me and suggested that I take Sissys hand on the stairs, as the children filed toward us, youngest first. He picked up his daughter and took his sons hand and started down the stairs. I took Sissys hand and Lynn quickly grabbed my other one. I looked at the stairs and realized that there wasnt enough room to hold both their hands safely. Lynn, you take Davys hand and follow behind Sissy and I, okay? She poked out her lip and did as she was told and we all started down the stairs. Aldalgo, Aridity and little Piddles brought up the rear. This was going to be an interesting dinner. There were going to be ten of us at the table. As we entered the kitchen, Aranon, Kerry and Remmie stood behind their seats. Aldalgo instructed the children to wait until the adults seated them. Three of the benches were taller than the rest, so that the smallest children could sit comfortably at the table, but they needed to be lifted onto them. I helped Tonga by placing Sissy on her high bench.
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After everyone was seated, all became quiet and then Remmie sang a song in her native tongue. It was a beautiful song, filled with lightheartedness, sung with such a pure voice that I was nearly brought to tears by it. I never knew that Remmie had such a beautiful singing voice! It seemed to me that she was much more accomplished as a singer than I would ever be. When Remmie had finished her song I wanted to clap, but I restrained myself, as this seemed like a very sacred time. Then, after a moment of silence, Remmie began to pass the bowls of food that I had helped her to prepare. I added a little of everything to my plate. It looked appetizing and I couldnt wait to taste it all. Children, said Tonga, Tell me what you learned today. He looked at his youngest, waiting for a response. I learned that Sissys body looks like my body, but she doesnt have fur, she has hair, and her hair only grows from her head, replied Demmie, with the diction of an adult. And how does this knowledge affect your life? Asked Tonga. It helps me to see that even though the visitors are different, they are also the same. I learned that, even though they dont have fur, they still have feelings and dreams just like us. A very good lesson to learn, Demmie, he said smiling. Dagna, what did you learn today?
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I learned that some visitors wear clothes because they are ashamed of their bodies, although I am unsure why that is, Father. I also learned that bodies and whether or not they are covered is unimportant. It is the person inside the body that is important. Another good lesson, smiled Tonga. And how do you think that knowing this will affect your life? It will make me more sensitive to the feelings and needs of others, replied Dagna. Another very good lesson, he said, smiling at his son. He then looked at me, raising an eyebrow and nodding at my kids. I took the hint. Sissy, what did you learn today? I asked. She looked at me blankly, for a moment and then said, I like to pay wif Daga and Demmie and I like to hab no cloes on. I am very glad that you have found two new friends, and can feel good about yourself even without your clothes. I smiled at her and she grinned back happily. Lynn, what did you learn today? I asked, turning my attention to her. I learned that the fiscal body is just bilogy she began. Biology, corrected Aldalgo, with a patient smile. Yeah, biology, she said, Bodies are just biology but the part you cant see is the portant part. That part just uses the body to touch things and feel things and learn stuffs and is the real
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person. Thats a good lesson, I said, trying to emulate Tonga. Davy? What did you learn? I learned that a person is a person whether they can pee standing up or not and that having a weener doesnt mean that Im better or that I cant get hurt by a sick person. I learned that the only way I can be really safe is to learn as much as I can about myself and what I do that makes sick people think they can hurt me; and to learn all I can about those kinda sick people, and how they act so I can know who they are and get away from them before they can hurt me. He fell silent and every adult in the room seemed touched by his statements. Davy, you have learned some very important things today, I said, not quite knowing how to communicate my feelings. I am very proud of you, Davy! I said, suddenly realizing that he was probably the key to the healing of my whole system. Kerry, I said, trying not to leave anyone out, what did you learn today? Duh, I wasnt up there with the other kids, remember? She said, in a snide and condescending tone. Im just excess baggage, so Aranon put me to sleep. Im sorry you feel that way, Kerry, said Aranon, gently. I was under the impression that you learned a very important thing
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today. Oh yeah? She asked angrily, giving Aranon a poisonous glare. What would that be? That we are not going on our special trip, just you and me, or that I cant seem to protect myself from my own feelings? We are still scheduled to go on that special trip, and I applaud you for your willingness to disclose your present vulnerability. That took a lot of courage, Kerry. I am proud of you. Aranon smiled at her broadly, and she just hung her head and remained silent. What did you learn today, Christy? Asked Aldalgo. I learned that someday I might be a good mother, I said. You already are a good mommy, interjected Lynn, my little champion. Thank you Lynn, that means a lot to me. I gave her a loving smile. I also learned that I have a very special inner family, and that I love and admire each of you, even you, Kerry. I hope that you can come to feel my love and admiration, and that we can learn to work together for the good of the whole. Aranon nodded and smiled, while Kerry sat, obviously seething. I was at a loss as to how to deal with that. Im not hungry, said Kerry, starting to get up off her bench. Im going to my room.
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Aranon reached out and held her in place, as she sneered at him. You will remain with the family until everyone has finished eating. You are not required to eat if you dont wish to, but you will remain at the table. Jeez! She said, trying to shrug Aranons hand off her shoulder. I may as well be in reform school! Now theres an idea, said Aranon, jokingly. Because I could probably arrange that for you for the next two days, if you like. Oh, shut up, you overgrown twerp! She replied, acidly. Aldalgo looked at Kerry, his face filled with a mixture of shock and sadness. Can you please explain the term, overgrown twerp? Butt out, stick man! Said Kerry, a little too loudly. Aldalgo stared at her, shocked and hurt by her words. The room grew very quiet. No one had ever shown Aldalgo the least bit of disrespect. Even Remmie was shocked to the core by Kerrys disrespect of her beloved Teaching Guide. I have changed my mind, said Aranon, finally, as the pall of shock and disbelief began to settle. I cannot allow you to disrespect our friends, who have shown nothing but kindness and understanding. You may go to your room, Kerry. Kerry quickly got up, left the table, went to our room and
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slammed the door. Everyone sat in complete silence. I apologize for Kerry, said Aranon, after a moment. It is the nature of the part she plays in Christys system that has generated her abrasive personality. I think it best that her and I leave to go on our trip right after dinner. Hopefully, during that trip, I can help her to shift into a new role, that is more supportive, and a lot less volatile.
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Thirty-Five
The part of me that was Kerry sat on her bed and cried. She didnt know what was coming but it had to be bad. She deserved it, if it were bad. What she really deserved was to die. She couldnt figure out why it would be a bad thing for the system if she died. After all, she was separate from the rest right now. She couldnt feel them and she doubted that they could feel her either. All they would be loosing is their resident troublemaker anyway, so wheres the loss? The more she thought about it, the more she thought it to be
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the most sensible and considerate thing to do, but how? She didnt have any pills. She didnt have anything sharp. She didnt have any rope. But that got her thinking. She looked at her bed. She thought about the bed sheets. Those sheets could be torn up and used as rope. But, where would she hang it? She looked around the room, seeking something that would help her with this project. Maybe she could tie one end to the door pull on the outside of the closet door and then loop it over the door. Then she could get a chair and stand on it and tie the sheetrope around her neck and kick away the chair. Just as she began pulling the sheet off the bed, the door opened. Youre supposed to knock, shit head, she said angrily, her plans having to be put off. Not when I feel someone is in danger, Aranon said, closing the door. What is it you were thinking of doing with that sheet? Jeeze, cant a person have some privacy? I was going to put it on the floor and do yoga exercises on it, jerk-off. Not according to Lynn. She said you were thinking about hanging yourself. To make yourself die, she said. He waited for her response and all he got was an angry glare. I think shes right. I think that is exactly what you were contemplating. So, the heck, what? She shouted. Who the hell would even miss me? All I am is a screw-up and a troublemaker. Why
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would they even care? Lynn cares. She could feel your pain and begged me to come in here and save you. She knew, and pretty soon they would all have known. Like I said before, Kerry, in spite of the illusion of having your own body, you are still part of the system, as are all the others. What you would do to hurt yourself would hurt the whole. He sat down on the stripped bed and looked at her terrified face. How can I help you Kerry? What would you like for me to do? I dont want your help! I just wana die, is all. She sank to the floor and sobbed. Not today, girl. Today we are going on a trip. I dont wana go anymore! Just leave me alone! I dont think I am going to be leaving you alone for a while yet, Kerry. He said, sadly. So, in view of that, which would be better, sitting here together for the next two or so days or going on a trip? Then he smiled. Duh, she said, the word rattling past the tears in her throat. What do you think, super-jerk? Okay, then, he said getting up. Lets go then, shall we? She looked up at him, tears still clouding her vision. Where are we going? How are we going to get there? She asked. Remmie has agreed to get us there through teleportation. I
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am certain that she will be able to get us to wherever we want to go. So do I get to pick where we go or does she? Neither. I get to pick. So, where are you taking me? She started to get up off the floor, finally focused on something other than herself and her own inner turmoil. Youll see, he said, giving her a devilish look. Come on, lets get started. He helped her the rest of the way up and then they came out of the bedroom. Everyone else had gone for a stroll but Remmie stayed behind to assist Aranon with the trip. When she heard the bedroom door open, she stepped out of the kitchen. Is it a go? She asked, excited. Yes, Remmie. Take us to the nearest transport station. Oh great! I am so happy for you, Kerry! What the hell for? Youre getting rid of me. I would think you would be happy for yourself! Kerry, I know that you are having a very difficult time. I can see your feelings and thoughts. I cant relate to all of them, but I can feel them and I know you are in a great deal of emotional pain right now. I am very happy that you have chosen to go on an adventure instead of thinking up ways to put an end to yourself. I
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know that you are unaware of how important you are to the whole, but if you did manage to harm yourself, all the rest would suffer greatly, and possibly even follow you into the afterlife against their volition. You might want to think about that. There is the illusion that you all have separate bodies, but if you were to harm yourself, you would be harming the whole body, the actual body, the one you all still, in actuality reside in. Kerry didnt have a snide remark or an angry quip to bestow upon Remmie. Actually, what she said really did make her think. What if, in my selfishness, I killed me, and all those little kids, and Christy died too? She thought. She was pretty certain that they didnt want to die. After all, her job was to protect them, so how would that be protecting them? Theyre not miserable; its just me thats miserable. Remmie led them down a small pathway and into a kind of Village Square. In the middle of the square was a teleport station. Where did you want to go, Aranon? She asked as they neared the station. Pyko, he said, firmly. Pyko? She asked, raising her eyebrows. Absolutely. He said, giving her a look that Kerry couldnt decipher. Hey, interjected Kerry. If thats a bad place I really dont
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want to go there. She was feeling very vulnerable, with Aranon making the decisions. What if he decided to take her to some sort of hell for the next day or so to teach her a lesson? Trust me. Aranon said, and gently smiled at her. Yeah, well, thats what they all say, just before they stick it to you. Come on, he urged, waving Kerry up on the platform, lets go. She got up on the platform beside him, feeling scared, but hoping that he was not taking her to a terrible place. Remmie waved and then they were standing at the edge of a beautiful forest with normal sized trees, all blooming with a myriad of colorful blossoms. The scent was heavenly. The sky was a violet color and the trees werent green but rather blue and a deep violet. The grass was turquoise and gold. It was like a fantasy. Brightly colored birds flitted from branch to branch, calling in voices Kerry had never heard before. Wow! She said, This is beautiful! But where will we stay? Im glad you like it, he replied. Dont worry, I have some friends here. Do they live in trees? No, they live in an underground city. Come on, Ill show you.
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Why would they want to live in an underground city, she asked, following him down a path, when they have this beautiful world up here to enjoy? Maybe they would like to keep this part of their world beautiful, he replied, leading her down a spiral staircase that led to an underground room where there was what looked like an elevator. Aranon placed his palm on a flat plate and the door opened. He led her inside and pressed a key and the door closed. Hold on to your stomach, he said, and then laughed when she felt the floor fall out from under her. She was sure that the thing was broken and they would become splats of blood and bones when it came to a stop. Finally, it began to slow, and then came to a stop. Her legs felt shaky and her stomach felt queasy as the door opened. Chuckling, he took her arm to steady her as they exited the elevator. They entered into a huge corridor that finally resolved into a town cut into the solid rock, like that ancient city somewhere in the desert in the Middle East she had once watched a documentary about. Only this city looked modern, and there was not only electricity, or some sort of power, but fresh air and light that came from above, like sunlight. She looked up and saw what looked like a sun, an orb of light that seemed to float above them. There was
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also what looked like a sky, pale and blue, and speckled with clouds! How did they make a sun like that down here? She asked. They didnt. Its natural. Huh? How can a sun underground be natural? All planets have a molten core. In younger planets that core fills the entire center of the planet. But, as the planet cools, the core shrinks to an internal sun, held in place by the rotation of the planet, much like the center of a gyroscope. This is an older planet, so it has an internal sun, making the cooled internal surface livable. There are also seas that divide the internal continents. With water there is weather, and with weather there are growth seasons, and with plant life there is oxygen. The only real difference between the internal sun and the external sun is that the internal one never sets. That makes for lots of plant growth and an unusual lifestyle for those who dwell within the planet. Wow! Lets go see if my friend is available, shall we? He smiled at her amazement as he guided her into the amazing city inside this amazing world. There were streets and vehicles, pedestrians and shops and even stand-alone buildings made from bricks and stone. They
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walked into the bustle of a real city, and then Aranon led her into what looked like a train station, where he obtained permission for them to board a vehicle that looked like one of the rapid tube trains in the Japan of today. They boarded the train and found a seat. The people around them looked just like humans to Kerry. They also wore clothes and that was a relief. But, this race was taller and larger than humans, and much more like Aranon than Kerry herself. She wondered if this was Aranons home. After a short ride, the train stopped, probably at a designated station. Aranon grabbed Kerrys hand and led her off the train and into an entirely different type of community. Here, there were many single dwellings surrounded by fields of growth that seemed, to Kerry, to be farms. He led her down a dusty path to a small ranch-like home, surrounded by fields of green growing plants that she didnt recognize. Nevertheless, it looked Earth-like to Kerry. Aranon knocked on the door of the house and after a few minutes a man opened the door. He was as tall and well proportioned as Aranon, and he wore a lightweight robe with shiny gold trim. Aranon! How wonderful! I am so glad you have come to visit! Said the man. It is good to see you too, Anthon, replied Aranon, putting
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his arms around him and giving him a hug. I have brought a friend of mine. Do you think we could impose on you for a little hospitality and maybe a little insight? Of course! Of course! He repeated, opening the door wider so that we could enter. What insight do you seek? They walked into a room that was gently lit by the sunlight, through windows that overlooked a green valley and distant purple mountains. The furnishings were spare and comfortable. There was a couch and four easy chairs in this room, like just about any living room on earth. There were also shelves and shelves of real books. In the corner there was a communication center, with a video screen and an interface device that looked like a flat typewriter. Kerry had never seen a computer, or she may have recognized the design. Computers didnt make their debut into the average home for almost 30 years in her future on Earth. Kerry here is experiencing a great deal of difficulty dealing with her internal pain and desires to end her life. All of her arguments for self-destruction are valid ones, even if I am not in agreement with her choice to end her life instead of facing her issues. Unfortunately, she is only an aspect of another being, and harming herself would harm the whole. Why dont you have a seat, Kerry, said Anthon, with a
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gentle smile, motioning to the couch. She climbed up on it and sat down. It was as if she were three years old getting up on a couch made for adults. In other words it was big. Tell me about you, said Anthon, sitting down beside her. How are you an aspect of another being? He took her hand in his, and she felt at ease with him. She felt as though maybe he would understand her position, her feelings. I dont really understand it myself, she replied. All I know is that there are five different people all using one body, most of the time. Right now, we are all split up, because Aranon worked out a way for us each to have our own body for three days. I cant deal with that, because my job was to protect the system, to help them with their incapacitating feelings by taking those feelings and holding them for them. But now, I dont have my job, because they are all in other bodies and I dont know how to deal with my own feelings. Im not very nice. I cant be nice, because if I start being nice to people, they will take advantage of us, and I cant allow that. I will never allow that again. So now all I am is a troublemaker with too many feelings to deal with on my own. I just want to be gone. Im no good for the system anymore. They probably dont need me anymore; anyway, they are all getting so strong. But Im not getting strong; Im just getting more and more
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tired. If there was just some way I could die and not harm the others. Thats all I want. Tears began spilling from her eyes. If you were to describe your anger, what would it look like? He asked, gently. Aranon seated himself on the other side of the room and allowed his dear friend and brother facilitator to work his magic. Anthon was one of the best facilitators in the Brotherhood. He had been Aranons trainer. Then, a few years ago his wife and small child had died in a freak accident, and he had pulled into himself, unable to reach out, unable to assist others in the mistaken idea that he had lost his abilities. Aranon didnt think that was true, and was willing to bet that when he and Kerry left to return to Archana, Anthon would be changed, and Kerry would be empowered. He smiled to himself knowing that these two people needed each other more than anyone else in the universe right now. He was glad he had thought of it. I dont know what you mean by that question, she replied. Does it have a shape? Does it have a size? Does it have a color? Tell me what it looks like. Make something up if you like. Now how is that going to help? She asked, reactively. By making it potentially tangible, out here, not in there, he said pointing to her solar plexus, in your emotional self. In order for you to adequately deal with this, you have to externalize it so
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you can study it. So I think up a shape that matches my anger? Can you? Yeah. Its a ten inch long, 2 inch wide dick! Okay. What color is it? Blood Red! Tell me about this dick. What does it do to make you angry? You havent a clue what I am talking about, do you? Do you know what you are talking about? Because thats all that counts. Okay, it screws me, over and over! And why is it doing that? He asked, with sincerity and concern. At this point Kerry burst into tears. The feelings were unbearable, and the images that flashed in her mind caused her whole body to tense up, and then she was so overwhelmed emotionally, physically, that she went into a convulsion. Anthon knew what was happening. He had seen it on many occasions, and knew what to do. He laid her down on the couch on her side, facing the back of the couch. He sat against her back so that she could not seize off the couch, and pressed her lower jaw forward to prevent her from biting or swallowing her tongue.
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The seizure lasted for more than a minute, and this told him that an extremely traumatic event was at the bottom of all of this. During all of this, Aranon was mentally filling Anthon in on her abuse history, and the sexual nature of the terms that she used to describe her anger. By the time that she reached the postictal state, Anthon had it all pretty well worked out and was already planning a strategy. When she began to stir, he moved so that she could turn over. He pulled a chair up and sat down beside her as she lay on the couch, taking her hand. Thats not the best way to deal with ones feelings, but it can help sometimes, I know. You think it was all an act, said Kerry, tearing up again. Not at all. I think you were overwhelmed, and being overwhelmed seems to affect your whole body. I think I could help you with this, if you were willing to trust me. Its not my nature to trust anyone, she said, coldly. You just did, he responded. When you became overwhelmed, you trusted us to watch after you. I didnt have any choice! She said, irritated by what she thought he was insinuating. All right, he said. So now you have a choice. Would you like some help with these feelings? You were just saying a while ago that you didnt have anyone to help you with your feelings. I
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am offering to help you. Do you want help? Okay, she said, feeling that maybe, just maybe he could help. When he touched her, when he held her hand, she felt safe with him. If you will try a few things, we may be able to remedy this situation, he said, kindly. Are you willing to try a few things that I have discovered? Okay, she replied, not knowing what to expect. I take it that means you are willing to try? Yes, she said. Then there is hope! he said, brightly, smiling broadly. Tell me why this dick keeps screwing you over and over. This ten inch long, 2 inch wide dick the color of blood. I dont know why! I cant seem to stop it from happening over and over! Did it happen today? In my head it did! So this dick is fucking you over and over in your head. Is this a vision that you are seeing over and over? Is it connected to a real experience? Lots of them! Lots of real experiences? Yes.
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Tell me about one of these real experiences. I cant! She said, tearfully, as her breathing and heart rate began to accelerate. Sure you can. He smiled and brushed the hair from her eyes while running his fingertips over her forehead. Tell me about one that is yours, and not any of the others you share that body with. Suddenly, she was transported back in time, to a place she really didnt want to go! She found herself standing outside of herself watching as her doctor raped her; hurt her. He was inside her, his large penis ripping her insides as he asked, Can I? Can I come now, Kerry? She watched as her mirrored-self said, yes not knowing what that meant. Then her doctor began pounding himself into her, brutally, hurting her, ripping her insides even more and she screamed, and he took that as some sort of sign and pounded faster and harder until he groaned and then collapsed on her, crushing her with his weight. That was fantastic! he said, completely unaware of the pain and the shock that she was experiencing. No! Cried Kerry, seeing the pain her mirrored self was in. No! I dont want to go there! And yet it is where your anger and your pain comes from, said Anthon, gently. You must face your feelings about this
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experience, before you can move past them. No! He used me; he used me over and over; coming to my house while my parents were working! It always hurt! It never stopped hurting like he promised it would! And then it made me pregnant! I was so scared! So scared! My father told me that he would put me out on the street if he discovered I was pregnant! But I was and I didnt know what to do! I felt dirty! I felt ashamed! I felt evil! So what did you do? asked Anthon. I asked the doctor to give me money so that I could get help. He wanted me to go to another state, to go live in a home for unwed mothers. I agreed to go because I didnt know what else to do! I lost the baby on the way there, in the bus. In the toilet on the bus! I never knew if it was a boy or a girl. I lost it! I lost it in the toilet on the bus! I was bleeding! I had an infection! I was sick! I went to a hospital and they put me on the psych ward! They thought I was crazy! I guess I was, she said, folding her body into a ball on the couch. Were you a child or an adult? He asked, his face filled with compassion. I was seventeen. I was so scared! Aranon mentally imparted the information that seventeen is considered underage in her culture, and Anthon nodded. You
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had every reason to be afraid. You were a child, alone, abused and then dismissed, abandoned by your father, nowhere to go. This doctor had abused you, over and over, but you were afraid to tell anyone. Why is that, Kerry? My mother would have said I asked for it, and my dad would probably have thought the same. They wouldnt have believed that I didnt like it. They would have never believed that a doctor would do this without my seducing him. It would have been all my fault anyway. Whats the point? I see, so you couldnt even call for help. You were trapped. Can you see how that would tend to make one angry? I did call for help! I called Child Protective Services and told a caseworker that my doctor was molesting me! You know what happened? He came right out! He came right out and took me in my own bed! You wana know about angry! So even when you called for help, you were abused, cited Anthon, sadly. You were abused by those you trusted to help you. Id say you have some very good reasons for being angry, defensive and untrusting. Can you allow yourself to feel that anger? Its all right to feel your anger, Kerry. Its all right to feel betrayed and used. Every time I cried for help I got screwed! I must be a real worthless piece of shit you know that? I mean every time! It just
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kept happening, over and over! A doctor! A minister! A social worker! A teacher! I guess everybody thought that because I was already tainted goods, they might as well take advantage of that! Then I started thinking I was just dirt and stopped caring, and then the Artist that I went to see about a job raped me and beat me up for four solid hours and I knew that if I didnt start to protect myself I would end up dead! Let it out, Kerry. Let it all out. Said Anthon, as tears formed in his eyes. Why me? Why me? Why did every man that I trusted to help me use me, hurt me? Why? Why? Maybe there is an answer to that, Kerry. If there is, I will help you to find it. But first, you need to let the anger out. You need to let the pain and the fear out. Let yourself feel it, Kerry. Let yourself feel the whole force of it, once and for all! He squeezed her hand and imparted the support that she needed to release her pain and anger. Kerry felt the pain and the anger rip through her like a large serrated knife being thrust into her vagina, her stomach, and her heart. She screamed, balling her fists and beating them on the couch beneath her. She kicked, and pounded her fists and screamed and cried, as many years of tears flowed from her eyes. She called every one of them by name and then called
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them as many dirty names as she could think of. She swore and she cursed and she punched the couch and she kicked her feet into the cushions. In lulls, Anthon would tell her what a good job she was doing, and tell her that he cared and would never hurt her, that he was glad that she was willing to trust him with all of these very real feelings. He validated her anger. He validated her pain. This lasted for about three hours. Finally, exhausted and spent, she fell into a deep sleep.
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Thirty-Six
The morning after Kerry went on her trip with Aranon, I was given the opportunity to spend the day with Aldalgo. He enlisted the help of a substitute Teaching Guide and then suggested that I accompany him, while he walked with me amidst his culture. Although the Sensarians lived and worked within the Siminian society, they also had their own, separate society where their government resided, and where their children were raised and trained to accomplish their hearts desire. This separate Sensarian society was actually on another continent, where there were fewer trees and where they lived in houses and worked in buildings on solid ground. They tilled fields and ran factories of sorts, but mechanization was kept to a primitive minimum. We traveled there by teleportation, but we needed no device
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to do it. Aldalgo was a master of teleportation and the teleporting of groups as well. He told me that he had been a teleport operator in his youth, for all youths must volunteer a certain number of hours in public service jobs. Our children are encouraged to try every job that their aptitudes will allow. By the time they reach adulthood they are multitalented and can then choose the service commitment that is dearest to their hearts. So, when I reached adulthood I chose to be a Teaching Guide. I have never been sorry, and I have the ability to utilize all that I have learned in the performance of my commitments. Did your parents sponsor you? I asked. I am gratified that you took the time to inform yourself about my society. Yes, my parents sponsored me, and I and my mate in turn sponsor our child. Is Aridity your mate? I asked, feeling a responsibility to ask, since Remmie wouldnt and really wanted to know. At first I thought he was going to rebuke me for my insolence, his face having become clouded with something close to anger, and then he softened and finally smiled. You are very forward in your questions. For a Siminian that question would be inappropriate, for in order to maintain our position as servants, we avoid becoming enmeshed with our
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charges. But you are different. You are a star-child, and you have come to study, to understand, and to teach. The answer to your question is yes. Why dont parents in your society keep their children with them? I asked, wondering what it might have felt like to be raised in an institution instead of by my family. Because children require continuous attention and as adults we desire to be productive members of our society. It is difficult to be productive when you must be giving continuous attention to a child. We attempted to do this for several thousand years, and learned that it is not good for the children or the adults, and the society also suffers through the erosion of morals and the fostering of rage that such a practice engenders. We finally discovered that the only way to save our society was by giving over the care of our children to those who whose hearts desire it is to raise and nurture children; to those who are trained to raise and nurture children to be self confident individuals in control of their own lives. Parents are encouraged to take an active part in the lives of their children, but all children, even those whose parents are uninterested in the lives of their children, or too involved in their own lives to take an active part, are cared for, nurtured and encouraged to aspire to their highest potential, just as much as those whose parents take an active
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role. Can I see one of the places where children are raised? I asked. Yes, he said, smiling. I think that would be appropriate. Can we see the one where your child is? Yes, I will introduce you to my child. He will like you. Suddenly, we were in a large yard filled with hundreds of children and almost as many Sensarian adults. There appeared to be several games or exercises going on, but many of the children were just enjoying their pals, and the warm sunshine. All of the children were dressed in white tunics, with long white pants on the bottom. Aldalgo led me to a group of children sitting beneath a normal sized tree. All of the children stood as we approached and bowed to Aldalgo. Aldalgo bowed back. Now is a good time to practice your English, He said. I have with me the Visitor from Earth, Christy. Hello, Christy, they all said in unison. They all smiled at me and I could tell the smiles were genuine. They didnt seem to be unhappy kids. Hello, I replied. This is my ward, Rayko. He indicated one of the children who then stepped forward. Nice to meet you Rayko. I stuck out my hand to shake his,
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but he didnt appear to understand. Rayko, why dont you show Christy around the center? Said Aldalgo. Ill just follow along. Yes, Esteemed Aldalgo. He started for one of the buildings and we followed. This is a residence center, he explained as we entered the building. There was plenty of light, but I couldnt see where it was coming from. As we walked down a hallway, I saw colorful drawings on the walls. They seemed to have been done by the children, and some were really quite good. They were not on pieces of paper attached to the walls, but rather right on the walls themselves, as though the children were encouraged to decorate them. Rayko stopped at a door and opened it. Inside were two beds, two desks, two dressers, two closets and a personal care center. The room was neat and tidy, but there were books piled here and there and what looked like toys and other less definable objects on shelves beside each of the beds. The room was cheery and colorful, and not as institutional as I would have imagined. Rayko was much like his father, although smaller, with the same tall, thin frame, and large but expressive eyes in his oversized head. He was hairless but his skin was much the same
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color as mine. This is my residence, which I share with another male, who is also my friend. I apologize for the disarray, as we were not expecting such esteemed visitors. He gave his father a shy smile. Aldalgo returned the smile and nodded. Rayko led us from the room and back into the corridor. Then he lead us to another, larger room filled with tables and benches. This is the dining room, where we have our meals, and this table, he said lightly touching one of the tables, is the one where I and my room mate sit. He led us out of the dining room and again down the corridor. Finally the corridor opened up into a large common room, the walls were lined with books, and other objects, while in the center of the room were tables, soft and comfortable chairs and couches and on one wall was a large rectangular object that resembled a really large television screen, although I knew they didnt have television, as that was too mechanized. What is that? I asked, pointing at the screen. That is the Meathos Window. Have you not seen one before? No, I replied. What does it do? It is used for teaching and entertainment. At certain times we obtain instruction from many of our societies most prominent
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individuals. At certain times of the day we are able to view plays, or other performances from all around Archana. I saw you sing, Esteemed Christy, and also watched as you became five. We are also able to communicate with other Residence Centers around the planet through it. Really? You saw me sing? You saw all that here? I asked feeling self-conscious. Oh yes, and I am honored to have been chosen to escort you through my residence. He gave his head a little bow. Well, I am grateful for the honor of meeting you and being allowed to see your residence. Is there more to see? There is still the learning center. He turned on his heal and led us back down the corridor and through a door. We walked across a landscaped area that was filled with plants and trees, benches and fountains. On the other side we entered another building, and inside this one were classrooms. Not like our classrooms on earth though. There were no blackboards or tack boards, no desks that all faced in the same direction. There were tables, scattered about the room at odd angles, around a large open area of floor for play or doing projects that did not lend themselves to a table. At any given time, each table seated five children and an adult, their Teaching Guide. The Teaching Guides job was to provide stimulation and
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information. This is one of our classrooms, said Rayko. It is not mine, although mine is also presently empty, as we are socializing out of doors at this time. Where is the teacher? There are five Teaching Guides in this class. They would be seated at the ends of the tables. At the other end of each table is the Student Advisor. What does the student advisor do? I asked. They make sure that everyones needs are being met and because they are generally more advanced than the others at the table, they choose the direction of investigation. What do they investigate? There are topics that are given each day by the Teaching Guides, and the student advisor discusses the topics with the other students at the table and then decides which topic would be most interesting to the group. Give the Esteemed Christy and example of a topic, instructed Aldalgo. Yes, Esteemed Aldalgo, he replied, and then turned to me. A typical topic might be ethics. The discussion and investigation would concern points of ethics, such as fairness, commitment, respect, and honesty. Often, there will be a game in which the
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students act out examples of the points of ethics they are presently studying, pretending to be either knowledgeable or ignorant while the others guess which one they portray. When do you learn to read and write? I asked. I learned to read at age three and to write at age four. This is about average. Reading is a form of personal entertainment and research, and so it is recognized as an important topic to pursue from an early age. I see, I said, thinking maybe the way they were raised, being exposed to constant nurturing and stimulation, was the reason why they learned to read so early. I decided that I had seen enough, and now needed to ask questions that I felt Aldalgo could better answer. Is there still time for you to get back with your friends and socialize? Raykos face lit up with a broad smile, like a happy gnome in a white tunic, nodding his head. Yes, Esteemed Christy, I think there is. Thank you! He bowed respectfully, and after we bowed to him, he turned and ran, his gait jaunty and excited. Are you ready to go? Asked Aldalgo. Not yet. I want to see the babies. Ah, the infants. Yes, I can understand your desire to see them. Take my hand. I took his hand and suddenly we were in a nursery where
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tiny babies were held and rocked, while others slept in cribs. These were very tiny, almost newborn. I went to one wide-eyed little one being held by a nurse, and I took its little hand, and its grip was astonishing. When I tried to pull my finger away, the infant would start to cry. The young nurse handed the child to me. I took it into my arms and looked into its wide eyes and smiled at it. The infants features twisted about and then relaxed again. I smiled again, and this time the infant smiled back. Wow! What a shock! But then this was not a human baby. I gave the infant back to the nurse. Do you hold this baby often? I asked. I am the only one who holds this child. I will remain with this child until she is old enough to go to the residence. Why is that? Is this the normal way here at the nursery? Does each baby have its own nurse? Yes, although some nurses are capable of fostering two and sometimes three infants. It depends on your efficiency and experience. Im just getting started. So at what age do the children go to the residence? When they are capable of self care and their curiosity has reached a level that is more appropriate in the residence. It varies from child to child. It averages between two and three years. I wondered what the rotation of this planet was and what its orbital
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transition was. So then you just send them away? Dont they feel rejected? I asked. There is a continuous transition. The male that will be Teaching the child, visits the child from the time of their birth, at least once a day. Then when the transition occurs they are transferred from the only nurse theyve known to the only Teaching Guide theyve ever known. The transference is gradual, natural. They strive from the time they can talk to go home with the Teaching Guide. It is a rite of passage. She smiled and then took her baby for a walk. I looked at Aldalgo, questioningly. I think I am ready to go, I said. Where would you like to go? To a quiet place where we can talk and then maybe you can teach me something. Well then, we are already in the best place I can think of. Why dont we go sit beside the fountain in the garden outside and talk? He took my hand and suddenly we were in the garden area between the residence building and the classroom building. He led me to a bench beside the fountain and we sat down. Now, he spoke in kind and gentle tones, what would you like to talk about?
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I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts, trying to put them in some semblance of order. I have always wanted to live in a place like this, I said, waving my hand to indicate the residence center. I begged my parents to send me away to a boarding school. On my planet, that is a place much like this, where children go to live and learn away from their parents. It probably wouldnt have worked out very well though, in view of my illness. They probably would have sent me right back home. What would have happened if I had come here? How do you deal with children who have emotional problems? It is a rare occurrence here, replied Aldalgo. But it does happen. When it does, we look at the caregiver. Generally, what has happened is that the caregiver has developed a resentment toward the child and as a result of this has twisted discipline into an outlet for their anger. When we discover an instance such as this, the child is appointed a temporary nurse who assists the child in understanding the situation and in recognizing the part that they play in it. The childs nurse is then assisted with her anger, and trained to redirect it into positive, supportive action. When she has dealt with her difficulties, she is then reunited with the child. Rarely does the situation reoccur. Why are only females nurses? Actually, this is something we began to ask ourselves about
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a century ago. The idea of the integration of the sexes is somewhat new, but we are making headway, thanks to the Siminians. They have taught us much about the need for equality. The children are allowed to choose their roommates now, and often they are of the opposite sex. Our classes are no longer segregated, and the same opportunities are offered to all children. We are very gratified by the results. It seems to have generated a leap forward in our psychic development, as well as in academic achievement. Nevertheless, girls still seem to gravitate toward becoming nurses, and boys seem to gravitate toward becoming Teaching Guides. We think it is biological. Nope, its the role model. Explain. What a child sees, the child wants to emulate. If a child sees that Teaching Guides are male, then male children will want to emulate them. If they see that nurses are female, then female children will want to emulate them. You see what I am saying? With kids its, what you see is what you get. Ah hah! He exclaimed, smiling. Yes, that is a truth, but how to shift the view? That is the question. Thats easy, I said, feeling pretty confident in myself about now. The males know what the females have to do in the performance of their job, the females know what the males have
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to do in the performance of their job, so just ask for volunteers to switch roles, switch jobs. If you can get half the workforce to switch, it will shift the focus away from gender. I had no idea where this was coming from but it sounded good. I smiled to myself. An interesting idea, he said, giving me a wonderful smile. Ill give it some thought. I have a feeling you will be doing most of the teaching here. No, not really. You are really teaching me more than you know. I realize now that if I had grown up in this kind of an environment, sexist as it is, I would never have developed my illness. But then you wouldnt be you, with all of that experience! He said, gently slapping my knee. I am certain that you would have been happier, but then you would never have had to struggle to understand your pain, so you would never have investigated those things that finally brought you to us, and brought us the joy of your spontaneous wisdom! I felt my cheeks get red and looked away, embarrassed. I guess he was right though. I wouldnt be here, on this amazing planet, having a heart to heart talk with an alien scholar if I had been raised in a healthy, validating environment. I would never have met Aranon or learned that there is a group of individuals
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who are striving to save our planet. I think it was at this point that I became willing to accept my past as the pathway to my present. If I dont like where I am going, I can try to change it, but I cant change where I have been. Either I except that where I have been has provided experience I can draw on to develop new strengths, or I can wallow in self-pity, clinging to my anger and hate, and poison my whole life, my whole being. The realization that I had actually learned something of value, in spite of all the pain and fear, made it easy to choose the path of acceptance. I turned back to him and smiled. Thank you. Sometimes I feel very unworthy of praise. You see, from my point of view, I am just sorta bumbling around, making all sorts of silly mistakes, and you are all being so nice about it, so accepting of me. Mistakes, Christy, are simply opportunities to learn. You seem to want to learn as much as you can while you are here. Nevertheless, It appears that you have been using this method for some time now and have amassed quite a bit of understanding. You have some wonderful abilities I would like to study. Well you only got a day and a half, and then Im gonna implode, which will probably send us packing back to Anchor. I gave his knee a gentle pat. At first he was startled by the action, and then he laughed.
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You see what I mean? He chuckled. Spontaneous wisdom! Seriously, Aldalgo, how do you know what is the right thing to do? Sometimes I think everything is really going along good, and then I do or say something, spontaneously like that and most of the time I just wind up feeling stupid. Then things are going along being difficult and I say something I think will probably be stupid, and everyone thinks Im a genius! How can I know when I am doing or saying the right thing? I think that depends upon the person or persons you are doing things with and saying things to, he replied. Children tend to gravitate toward their developmental peers. They do this because they are discovering that it is beneficial and rewarding to align with those who understand their viewpoint and desires. You never had that opportunity, so now you are just beginning to recognize that there are those who match your level of development and those who dont. This has nothing to do with status. There are all kinds of levels of development from the physical to the spiritual. It is not how much more an individual is developed than others, but rather how well they utilize that development to overcome challenges, seek understanding and to serve others. When you align with individuals who will support you through your challenges, explore with you for answers and stand with you as
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you serve others, then you will have found a position where your ideas are welcomed and your experience is noted. In other words, stop wasting my time with people who havent a clue what I am all about, right? No, he laughed, start spending more time with those who do. The key to a steady growth process is in the realization that you are more effective when you are going toward what you want, and less effective when you are retreating from what you dont want. The more you focus on what you want, the easier it will become to achieve it. You make it all sound so easy, I said. But sometimes the problem is that you dont know what you want, but you know you dont want what you are getting. A perfect opportunity to seek out something new and different, he replied, his eyes twinkling in the dappled sunlight peeking through the surrounding trees and shrubs. A perfect time to ask yourself, what do I want, and then listen to yourself. But you have to be what you want if you expect to draw what you want. If you want love, practice being loving. If you want understanding, practice giving it. Only when you can exemplify your quest, will it lead you to where you want to go. We talked for many hours, and walked through place after place where the daily rhythm of life proceeded with joy and
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purpose. Aldalgo took me to factories where clothing was made on ancient looms and then sewn by hand in prescribed patterns. The finished products were then packaged and sent to different institutions. He also took me to shops where produce and other goods could be obtained, without cost, although there was often trading going on. They had no monetary system, but they did have a credit system. Each child is born with a certain amount of credit, he told me. That credit grows when the child begins to do his or her service training. When the child is ready to take his or her first step toward independence that credit is used to obtain housing, food, clothing and supplies. Nevertheless, once one is established in their chosen commitment those things are generally provided by those they serve. Sometimes in the form of credit, and sometimes in the form of goods and services. But what if this individual couldnt make a go at their chosen profession or commitment and they were out of credit as well? Then they would return to the residence and seek to discover a more appropriate commitment, while doing community service. All are valued in our society. No one is left to fend for themselves without support and assistance. Even those who have been damaged, in one way or another, are given support and the opportunity to express themselves as fully as they are capable.
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Do you have hospitals? I asked. We have Healing Centers. He nodded. Disease is not unknown to us, but the Meathos has the capacity to strengthen and heal our bodies and minds, so nearly all disease here is recoverable. Yes, there are those who are too damaged to recover, and if they are cognizant of their condition, they have the right to self terminate. If they are not cognizant, then they are cared for and made as comfortable as we can make them. Sometimes this alone can heal even the most damaged individual. By the time I got back to Remmies for dinner, my head was swimming with all of the information I obtained during my day with Aldalgo. I was grateful for the opportunity to focus on my externalized inner children. Remmie was chomping at the bit to pump me for information about where I had gone and what I had learned, but all I wanted to do was to go and see the children.
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Thirty-Seven
As Kerry struggled back to consciousness, she felt disoriented and confused. Then, as she opened her eyes, she saw Anthon and Aranon sitting close by. Slowly, she began to remember what had happened. Im sorry, she said feeling ashamed about carrying on like that. You have nothing to be sorry about, replied Anthon, gently.
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You did perfectly. That was the best release I have seen in a long time. But I was screaming and swearing, she pointed out. Whatever works is acceptable. Anthon took her hand and helped her to sit up. Are you hungry? I think so, but my stomach feels a little upset. Then lets start with what I have heard other Earthers call Jewish penicillin, also known as chicken soup. He smiled at her and gave her hand a squeeze and then went to the synthesizer and programmed a bowl of chicken soup. Are you upset with me? She asked Aranon. Not in the least! As a matter of fact I am extremely proud of you. The work that youve done is definitely going to help the others. And you arent quite finished yet. When we leave here, you will be taking a new freedom that will change all of you. He gave her a loving smile. Im through, she said, still feeling tired. I dont have any more crying left in me. There is still your question that Im going to help you to find the answer to, said Anthon, placing a tray with a bowl of soup and some crackers on the coffee table in front of her. I think I forgot the question. I think the way you put it was; why me?
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Oh, yeah. She slurped a spoonful of soup. It actually tasted like chicken soup! Aranon has shared a few things with me about you and your system. I hope that that doesnt disturb you. It will certainly help me help you to find that answer. Do you remember a lifetime that Aranon and Christy visited where you were a priest in an ancient civilization? He asked. Not clearly, no. I am rarely consciously aware of what my other parts do. But you are aware that you visited such a life, or that Christy did, yes? Yes. She slurped more soup and ate a cracker. She was hungrier than she thought. Do you remember what you did as that priest? I guess I abused little boys, she said sadly. So, I suppose they have all come back to abuse me, huh? That is a bit of an over simplification, but essentially, yes. Of course, there are probably other lives in which you may have abused others as well, so not all of your experiences come from that particular life. So its true then? What is? That what goes around, comes around.
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Yes, he smiled. That is essentially true. So I could have molested and abused a number of individuals in who knows how many lives! So, am I going to be going through this shit for the next ten lifetimes? No, that is not necessarily true. You can work through the entire issue in one lifetime, which appears to be what you chose before you entered this one. It is an extremely difficult path, but it appears that you are quite strong, so you can probably accomplish it. It can all stop, right here, today. Oh yeah? How? You guys gonna rape me till Im dead and that clears the slate? Anthon produced a sad smile and shook his head. Aranon and I are incapable of that kind of action. You should know that by now, Kerry. No, the best way that I know of to end the cycle of pain and abuse is to consider those times where you caused others great pain, recognize your part in your own pain, ask for forgiveness from The Source Of All Being, then forgive yourself and those who have abused you. The last part is when the karmic cycle is ended. Are you willing to consider those lifetimes and see your part in this dilemma of yours? Do I need to visit all the lifetimes I have hurt others in? No, all you need to do is visit enough to recognize the pattern you generated in your previous lives and be willing to seek
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forgiveness, with Christys work, you should already be well on your way. Maybe, I can already see the pattern, she said, as she drank the last drop of soup from the bowl. I think that I am the epitome, as an aspect of this system, of all that is evil in us. Anthon shook his head once again, and smiled. No, you are the epitome of all of the anger, fear and need for self protection. You are not the one that is at fault. Actually, there is no fault. Like you said, what goes around, comes around, and your job has been to see that what comes around doesnt kill you, because you have more important things to do with your life than loose it as the result of past confusion and distorted beliefs. You have done your job well! But its not over. I still have to see the pattern. Actually, I think it is pretty obvious. I misused my position and power in those other lives. I used others for my own ends, and didnt care how much it hurt them. All I cared about was getting my own needs met. There is probably a lot of truth in that, yes! Said Anthon, grinning broadly. You are really quite intelligent and intuitive! So, what is the next step? I guess its asking for forgiveness. Its just so hard to do, considering what I have been through. I mean the child that I was,
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was innocent. She didnt deserve what she got! So were the hundreds of children that you, in other lives, abused and molested. You see, there is no way out of this. You are responsible for your own pain. You are the one who needs to seek forgiveness and to forgive those who have caused you harm. Not because this is the only way, but because it is the best way. Okay, I ask for forgiveness. I can not give it. You must ask The Source Of All Being. I dont know how. Her face showed her frustration. Would you like assistance? Asked Anthon. Okay, she said, warily, imagining having to get on her knees and do the praying thing. All right, I will help you, replied Anthon. Lay back on the couch and get comfortable. He took her hand as she lay down on the couch and tried to make herself comfortable. She was ultimately uncomfortable with anything having to do with the God thing. God had never been there for her. God had not answered her prayers when she was being abused, when she was terrified beyond belief, all He did was watch. Like a divine voyeur, he stood on the sidelines and simply allowed those men to use her, to abuse her, to hurt her. God didnt care.
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Suddenly, she was standing in a great hall, like a church, shafts of light angling through the stained glass windows and pooling on the floor. There were no pews, no alter, just a very large hall, shaped like a church and having stained glass windows. She stood there for a moment and then Aranon appeared. He stood before her, smiling his impish smile, doing that thing with his eyebrows. Did you come to entertain me? Asked Kerry. I am a priest. I have come to hear your confession. Well Im not Catholic, so youre outa luck. Thats all right, I am ecumenical. Ill listen to anyones confession. Okay, so in past lives Ive screwed up. And just how did you screw up? I hurt people, mostly kids, in awful and painful ways. I am really sorry I did that. Why are you sorry? Because it has all happened to me and I know how it feels and I am sickened at the thought that I did this to others, that I did this to children. I thought it was the right thing to do. I didnt know that I was being abusive, or I didnt know that it was wrong, or I was too sick to know what I was doing! I dont know! All I know is that I understand the pain and the crumbling of ones self in the
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face of this terrible abuse. I hate it. I find it hard to believe that I have ever done such awful things but I am coming to believe. I want this to stop! I dont want to go through another life like this. I refuse to continue in a life that keeps to leading me into abuse after abuse! Its got to stop! How do I stop it? Forgive them all, for they were only completing a cycle that began with you. A cycle you are ready to end. The only way to end it is to forgive them all, for they didnt know it was wrong or were to sick to know what they were doing. Here you stand, equal with your abusers. Release your anger, for it is what feeds the cycle. Release your fear, for it is the way that you draw karmic involvements. Release all of the energy that you have tied up in these involvements by forgiving them all and then forgiving yourself, it ends the cycle. That forgiveness could release thousands from the bondage of this common karma. How can I forgive their brutality? By remembering your own. By remembering the circumstances that generated your own abusiveness. Its hard to believe that is me. I can feel the truth in it, but I find it hard to believe. Because you are looking at it from the position of a victim. As a victim, you would never harm another if you could help it. But you have often, even in this life, abused the trust of others. Not
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because you chose to, but rather because you were driven to. You have played other people to get your needs met. You have been controlling and manipulative, hurtful and even destructive. Who is the perpetrator? Who is the perpetrator now? Okay, so I forgive myself. I didnt know I was perpetuating a cycle. Thats not enough, Kerry. You have to forgive your abusers. Maybe you need another trip back into your past to see the abuser that you were. No, thats okay, she said backing away from him. She raised her hands as if to fend him off. I know I have been abusive and hurtful. I know that I have done awful things to others. I just dont understand why this God guy just lets this keep happening again and again. I mean, whats the point? I hurt you, you hurt me, I hurt you, you hurt me, I mean, it just seems to go on and on! What the hell is the point? Forgiveness. They only way to fly. What the hell good does that do? I mean its already happened. Whats it gonna change? A cycle of events, if you really mean it. Okay then, I dont think I can mean it. Thats why I suggested you visit another life, so that you can connect with your abusive self, and understand what led to
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the abusiveness. How do I know these visions you show me are really my past lives? How do I know that any of this is anything more than an elaborate dream? If it is just an elaborate dream, then you have nothing to loose by playing along. If these are not your past lives, you need not claim them. So why take me to them? What difference can it make? Maybe you will awaken to who you really are. Yeah, and maybe I wont, Jerk-off. Its all right. Its just a dream, just a vision. Nothing you need to become connected to if you dont want to. He reached out his hand. She hesitated, fearfully, but then took it. He smiled. Suddenly, she felt herself in a male body. There was no doubt of that. This body had an erection. He was standing over a young girl of maybe seven or eight. He was going to rape her. It was his right, and he took his rights seriously. This was the child of the enemy. She was his. He earned her and he did so much like the tight little children! Their little bodies grabbed him, held him, throbbed around his organ and generated the most heavenly feelings! He knew that this was a gift from the gods. He knew that the gods had smiled on him today by placing this perfect little confection in his path!
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He began ripping the soiled rags that passed for clothing off this enemy child, growing more and more excited as he viewed her small writhing body. He found her secret place with his fingers and gauged the size. Ahhh, this was going to be a tight one! He almost ejaculated just thinking about the sensations he was about to enjoy. As he drove into her, her screams were music to him, an accompaniment the girl provided to his performance. Oh she was good! Soon, he paid little attention to her screams. She was his gift for his valor in battle! No one would save her, but many would listen, and imagine their own female captives and play through their own fantasies. He had to make it last for them. So he raped her vaginally, until the blood made it too slick to feel the tightness, and then he raped her anally. He was hoping for a long session, to feed the fantasies of his fellows and to enjoy himself, but she died too quickly. When he had finished what he was doing he dumped the childs naked body in with the other captives, living and dead. At this point, Aranon let go of Kerrys hand. Kerry sank to the floor, and began to sob in deep, full body sobs. No! she cried. That wasnt me! That couldnt have been me! Damn! Damn! I actually felt enjoyment! I cant believe you did that to me! Shit! She was just a screaming animal! She was just the spoils of war! God damn it! Why did you take me there? Why
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did you make me feel that? You son of a bitch! You freaking son of a bitch! I didnt take you there, Kerry. I had no idea where we would go. You took me there. I agree it was extremely graphic and terribly tactile. Still, you enjoyed it at the time. You were oblivious to that poor childs pain. In fact, it excited you even more! You felt that excitement. You felt the glee with which you first took her. You felt the disappointment when she died too soon for you to really fulfill your fantasy. You were thinking of your friends. You were trying to give them a show that would get them off too. You were being considerate and caring toward your soldiers! Stop it! Just stop it! That wasnt me! I couldnt do that! You felt the feelings, you felt the glee, the physical enjoyment! How could you feel those things if it wasnt something you could relate to? How could it be so real for you if you had never experienced it? I cant give you experiences that you have not had. I can only bring to light an experience that is written on your permanent atom. All right, all right! I felt the enjoyment! I didnt know it was wrong when I felt it! I thought it was my right as a warrior! She meant nothing to me except as a prize for the gratification of my own desires! If I had known, if I could have related to her pain, I would have been mortified! I am sorry! I am really, really sorry!
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Now, place yourself in the position of your abusers. If they could have known, really known and understood the harm they were doing, the lifetime of pain they were causing, dont you think they would be sorry too? Imagine them discovering in a future life the despicable things they have done and their pain at seeing it, realizing that it was they that did these things. Are they sorry, Kerry? Yes! Yes they are sorry! Can you forgive them? Feel their anguish. Feel your own anguish at this discovery. Can you forgive them? Yes, she said, retreating into deep sobs. All at once there was a light around her, and she heard a voice speaking directly to her heart. You have broken the cycle of abuse. Henceforth you will be free of the abuse of others, unless you choose to revisit it. You have dissolved the karmic bond between yourself and countless others. All of you are free now to take a different path. Be at peace, you have won your battle. At this point Kerry awoke on the couch, Anthon still holding her hand. There were tears in his eyes. Welcome back, he said, as tears dripped from his chin. He wiped his cheeks with his sleeve, and smiled at her. I dont know why that was so hard, she said, smiling though her own tears.
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It is hard for everyone, little one. Everyone becomes caught up in their need to be right, and looses sight of the benefits of selfhonesty, open mindedness and the willingness to release their anger and their hate. It takes time for some of us to realize that there is life beyond our overwhelming pain and anger, and that all we need to do is forgive, to release that pain and hate with love. Only then can we rejoin that life we were meant to live. Only then can we discover the well of understanding and love within us that The Source Of All Being restores to us when we release that which has hidden Its love from us. I have to admit I feel really different, she remarked. And hungry! This time I want a meal, not just a bowl of soup! I think we could all use a meal, replied Anthon, laughing, even as the tears continued to flow from his eyes. He pulled her up into his arms and gave her a loving and grateful hug. Thank you, he said. Thank you for helping me to get my own life back. I will be forever grateful to you! Aranon sat quietly, in his chair across the room and smiled to himself.
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Thirty-Eight
When I reached the top of the stairs, I found the children all sitting at their tables, quietly. I assumed this was part of the ritual, Tongas ritual. They were waiting for him. The substitute Teaching Guide, a very young Sensarian, sat patiently waiting as well. As they saw me, my kids all stood up and came toward me. Lynn was the first, running to me and throwing her arms around my waist. Mommy! she said, hugging me. I love you Mommy! I love you too, Lynn. I love all of you, Sissy and Davy too! Lets go sit down and wait for Tonga. He likes to play his little
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game. It makes him happy. I smiled at them and herded them back to their chairs. I found a chair and pulled it over to Davy and Lynns table. Aldalgo appeared just about where I had been a moment ago. He smiled and waved for the young Teaching Guide to depart and he did so with what looked like relief on his face. Aldalgo then clapped his hands and all the children got up and arranged themselves in a line from the youngest to the oldest. He walked past each of them, checking them over, whispering to each of them, touching each of them lovingly on head or shoulder. At this point, Tonga came up the stairs and went through his little ritual, and then we all started down the stairs to the dining table. As we entered the kitchen, Remmie was talking to someone on her communicator. She winked at me and I joined her, seeing Aranons face in the stone. Hi there, Christy! Said Aranon smiling. We will be back just as soon as Remmie can arrange it. Thats easy, I said. Remmie, give the communicator to Aldalgo. He can bring them back right now! Remmie looked at me and crossed her eyes. Now why didnt I think of that? She took the communicator to Aldalgo. He spoke with Aranon for a moment and then placed the communicator to his forehead and Aranon and Kerry appeared in
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the common room. Now we were all there for dinner! Tomorrow was our last day as separate bodies, and I was so glad that we would be spending it together. Aranon and Kerry joined us at the table and we all sat. Remmie began to pass the plates around, and to my surprise, we were having pizza and salad! Remmie, What is this pizza made of? Well we dont have tomatoes, but I found a fruit and a vegetable that when combined taste and look a lot like tomatoes. We do have cheese; although it may taste a little different then you are used to. I searched and searched for the herbs and spices, and I hope you find the result pleasing. She smiled as she watched me take a slice. I took a bite, and after the first strangeness of it, I thought it was delicious! Wow, Remmie, this is delicious! She grinned even wider. It dont taste like pizza, said Davy, making a face. No, Davy, it doesnt taste like Earth pizza. It tastes like Archana pizza, and I think its really good! Said Kerry, taking a bite and making the um sound. Davy took another bite, and chewed slowly, savoring the taste. Yeah, okay, for Archana pizza its really good. Everyone laughed.
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Then Targo started with his what did you learn today thing and the children all sat at attention. Of course, Lynn just kept right on eating. Demmie talked about the difference between birds and some other species I have never heard of. Then Dagna talked about ethical behavior. Finally it was my turn to ask the questions. Lynn, what did you learn today? I asked. That Archana pizza is really good! She said, taking another bite. Yeah, me too, said Davy, without my asking. I had a feeling the young Teaching Guide didnt have a clue what to do with my kids. How about you, Sissy? What did you learn? I had to go pay. I dint learn nothin, she said picking her food apart with her fingers. Did you go play all by yourself? I asked, concerned. No, Aridity wen wif me. She payed games wif me and when I got seepy she wet me way in her wap. I turned to the almost invisible Aridity, who sat quietly, smiling at Sissy. Thank you Aridity, for taking such good care of my Sissy. She seemed to be taken off guard by that and turned to me, a blank look on her face. I am a Nurse, she said, finally. I
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maintain my commitments. Nevertheless, I said. I would like to express my gratitude for your kindness to Sissy. She looked at Aldalgo and he nodded. Then she turned to me and smiled. I would like to express my gratitude for the opportunity to spend the day with Sissy. She is a very special part of you. All of my parts are special, I said smiling at all my inner family, and the little ones beamed happy smiles. Then I turned to Kerry. I was unsure if I should include her in this. But she must have known what I was thinking because she smiled at me and then said; I learned that we never have to be abused again unless we decide thats what we want. I also learned that forgiveness is the key to releasing karma. I am also glad to be back with my family. She smiled shyly and then took another bite of Archana pizza. After savoring the unique flavor, she looked at Aldalgo. Mr. Aldalgo, would you please forgive my terrible behavior at dinner last time? Would you all please forgive my inappropriate behavior the last time we were all here together? She added, looking around the table at each individual, with an earnest look on her face. Even as Aranon smiled, a sheen of tears glistened in his eyes. Aldalgo was a little slower to respond, and everyone
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seemed to be holding their breath as they awaited a response from him. Only if you will be kind enough to forgive me for injecting myself into your disagreement with Aranon. It was an inconsiderate and thoughtless thing for me to do. He finally said, in a gentle and compassionate tone. Really? Asked Kerry, taken aback. Yes, responded Aldalgo, softly. Will you forgive me? Well, sure! She said, genuinely confused. Of course I forgive you! Then consider yourself completely forgiven by me. He looked around the table. Is there anyone here who is unwilling to forgive Kerrys understandable but disrespectful outburst during our previous dinner, especially since she is willing to acknowledge that her behavior was inappropriate and beg our forgiveness? The kids shook their heads and no one spoke. I am assuming that everyone here forgives you as well, and will hopefully tell you so in their own time and in their own way, said Aldalgo, gracing each person at the table with a nod and a gentle smile. Aranon also allowed himself a grateful smile, knowing that Kerry had finally become willing to release her karmic entanglements. Finally, he spoke. Tomorrow is our last day
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before all of you return to your single body. I would like to spend the day with all of you, assisting you in preparing for your reintegration. I would like to take you all to the Meathos Mother Pool. Is everyone okay with that? Is it nice there? Asked Lynn. It is very nice there, I said, and there are benches and tables and trees. Maybe we could take a picnic lunch? I looked at Remmie. Of course! Ill make my famous peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! She seemed excited about that, and was positively glowing. Yippee! Said Lynn, enthusiastically. Were gonna have a picnic! After a good nights sleep and a good breakfast, Aranon rounded us all up and took us to the Meathos Mother Pool. He found a large round table where there was enough room for all of us and asked us to be seated. Now, he began, in a gentle voice. The reason that I brought you all here is because I would like for you to have the opportunity to experience co-consciousness, and I know that the Meathos will help you do that. I had hoped that you would develop it naturally, as the result of being split up into individual bodies,
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but for the most part, that hasnt happened, yet. It is my feeling, as an experienced Facilitator, that you would all benefit from at least getting a feel for it. Do we have to go into the pool if we dont want to? Asked Davy. Why would you not want to, Davy? He asked. Dont you want to be awake when the body is awake? I dont wana, said Davy. I dont wana remember any bad stuff. Okay, good point. What I will tell the Meathos when you get into the Mother Pool, is that you want to experience being all of one mind. I will let the Meathos know that you will not be visiting traumas, you will be visiting one another and learning about coconsciousness. Okay, so what is coshiness? He asked Co-consciousness, said Aranon, giving Davy a gentle smile, is the ability to be aware of what is going on at all times, with all other parts of yourself, no matter who is using the body. It is also being able to know which feelings dont belong to you. Yes, I said. Theres been a lot of times when I knew the feelings I was feeling werent mine, but I didnt know whose they were. And there were lots of times when others were out, when Ive had missing time and didnt know what happened. It would be
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nice to put an end to that. Yeah, but whats the point? We will still all be cooped up in this one body anyway, said Kerry Well, first of all you will all be conscious in the now, responded Aranon. That means that you will be able to share in what the body is experiencing at any given time, and be able to add your input to the whole as to what choices are made, on what decisions are made. It also means that you can grow up. What if we dont wana grow up? Asked Lynn. Then you dont have to, he said, looking at Lynn. The point is, you will have a choice. You will no longer be frozen in time, focused on the pain of the terrible trauma that generated your individual personality. As you spend your time, mainly in the now, you begin to want to grow, to do more, to see more and to experience more. As you do that, you will become more aware, more educated, and more mature. But there is nothing wrong with becoming an intelligent, aware eight-year-old. Okay, said Lynn. How about you, Sissy? What do you think? Can we still has kissmas and pwesents, and Santa? She asked, almost pleading. I am sure that Christy will have a wonderful time enjoying that tradition with all of you. He smiled and winked at sissy, who
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was on her knees so that she could see over the table. Any more questions? Yeah, said Kerry. If we get this ability while in the Meathos, can we keep it? That remains to be seen. But whether you can keep it or not, in your present state of separation, you will have the experience to rebuild it once you are all back together. Basically, I just want you to see whats its like, so that you will know what you want when the time comes. And if we decide we dont want it? Asked Kerry, pushing. That will always be your individual choice. Nevertheless, it would be a good idea to experience it, even briefly, so that you know what you are deciding against. Kerry dropped her eyes into her lap, unwilling to look Aranon in the eye. She was frightened. She also felt guilty, because she had always been the cynical one, the one who had guarded the whole from those who would use or abuse and had judged others not by what they said or did, but by what she had felt from them. Maybe, sometimes, she had been wrong. Maybe she had thwarted helpful relationships with her distrust, with her fear. Maybe, when joined with the whole, she would get in the way of genuine assistance with her fear and mistrust. Okay, he said, after giving plenty of time for Kerry to
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respond, if she wanted to. We will all walk into the pool together. Davy, you have never experienced the Meathos, have you? No, he replied, shaking his head, his eyes wary. Meathos looks like water, but it is not water. You can breathe it just like air, although it may seem strange to start with. You may get the idea that you will drown, but thats not true. It just feels different from air when you breathe it. If you will relax, the Meathos will assist you in feeling more comfortable. There is nothing to be afraid of. We will all hold hands and walk together into the pool. We will all help each other, and once we get into the pool, you will hear me ask the Meathos to allow all of you to be co-conscious, to be all of one mind. Then, you will all be able to talk together, without speaking. You will also see other things, like memories that are new to you, and feelings you may not understand. Just be patient and open. These will not be traumatic memories, although they may be a little disturbing. The Meathos will assist you. He took Sissy off the marble bench, and suggested that we all get up. We followed Aranon to the steps of the Mother Pool. There was plenty of room for us all to stand abreast of one another and walk into the pool together. Aranon took Davys hand and continued to hold sissy. He asked that I take Lynn and Kerrys hands, and then slowly, like a dance team, we descended the
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stairs together into the Meathos. As it got over Sissys head she began trying to swim, but that didnt work, because The Meathos is not a liquid. Aranon held her in the crook of his arm, speaking softly to her, telling her not to be afraid. Davy, had a moment of panic, but it passed quickly, and Lynn just marched right in, a smile on her face. Kerry was a little more cautious, but made the transition without incident. Meathos I, Aranon, ask that you give these five, all of one system, the ability to have but one mind, and to be co-conscious. This will assist them greatly when they all return to one body. I saw Meestra arrive before us, smiling at each of us and then going to Aranon and taking little Sissy in her arms. I am Meestra, and I am your special angel. I am here to protect you and to nurture you. In just a moment, you will all become aware of one another in a way that you have never experienced before. There is nothing to fear. I will be here with you and will protect you each from any pain or anguish that you may meet in one another. It is important that you see these things, but it is not important that you feel them. Above all it is important that each of you recognize the true self, the one self, which created your original body of manifestation, the body that you were born with, so that you can experience the unity that lies beneath your present diversity. See now that oneness that you
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truly are! All at once we were aware of a merging of our thoughts and feelings. At first it was frightening, and the little ones began to cry. Meestra soothed and nurtured Sissy, who then became wide eyed and finally stuck her thumb in her mouth and laid her head on Meestras breast. The others also became wide-eyed, and then suddenly aware, as I was, that we were all consciously connected to one another. We all became aware of the history and the pains of each alter. We didnt need to discuss these things, for we knew, intimately, all of the details, as if they had happened to us, which in truth they had. After a time we all became aware of our intrinsic unity, and that we were in fact one person who had experienced a number of profoundly disturbing events that had shattered us, as a perfect crystal might shatter when struck in the wrong spot with a small chisel and hammer. Here, for the first time since early childhood, we stood as one, able to see our life as one, like a beautiful crystal and yet seeing the light of our life bent and changed by passing through each of its facets. I savored this moment as tears welled in my eyes. For the first time in my life, I saw myself as whole. I was a single crystal with five facets, each bending the light in its own unique way to form a rainbow of color that was me.
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As we finally immerged from the Mother Pool; Sissy back in Aranons arms, sleeping peacefully on his chest with thumb in mouth; we were all silent, and yet a storm of thoughts and questions raged within us, and among us, as we retained the unified awareness that began in the pool. Aranon led us back to the bench, and began drawing sandwiches and small covered cartons that contained individual servings of tea, from a bag he had been wearing over his shoulder. Everyone sat, excepting their lunch as it was handed to them, silent, and yet not silent at all, for our minds were communicating on another level. Davy was the only one who was not jabbering away with the rest of us in his mind. Davy, I said aloud. Why are you hiding from us? Because I dont belong, he said. What do you mean you dont belong? I said, getting up and giving him a deep and caring hug. Move over Lynn and let me sit next to Davy. She smiled and scooted over so that I could sit. You are part of us Davy, or you wouldnt be here. We all saw your part. What makes you think you dont belong? I didnt get sexually molested because I was a boy. Nothing bad happened to me. He looked down into his lap, trying to hide
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his tears. Davy, what happened to you was different, but just as painful. You werent just rejected you were ignored. The only time you werent ignored was when other people, including our own mother, were making fun of you! Everyone treated you like an outcast. You lived in your dreams of becoming a member of the Armed Forces. You fantasized about creating an organization called The Sons Of The Brotherhood, where you would fight evil and save the innocents. You wrote about our time in Auschwitz. You held those memories. You built the prison in the back yard. Some of us played with you there, for we too felt the connection, and you were never really alone. You strove with all your might to be an acceptable boy, and yet no one noticed, no one cared. Your days and nights were filled with the tears and the anguish of loneliness, separation and out and out neglect! You came home from school each day to only your brother. He loved you, but he was having more and more difficulty dealing with your unusual behavior. Eventually, he abandoned you and then you had no one. Thats when Kerry came along to give you peace. By this time Davy was sobbing, and I held him to me, surrounding him as much as I could with my body, so he could feel loved and protected. Now that you all know what co-consciousness is like, what
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do you think? Asked Aranon. Its neat, replied Lynn, but scary too! Her smile turned into a fearful look. Yes, there are a lot of things your didnt know about, that you do now. This is probably a little scary, but Meestra protected you from the full pain of it. This way you can investigate these scary things slowly, with a facilitator who can help you to deal with them, individually and together. What about the rest of you? What do you think? I think for the first time in my life I really feel like I belong, like I am all here, said Kerry. I never knew why I was until now. I came to stop the pain, and I just wound up drawing more. I did that because I didnt know how not to. I was so bound by getting everyones needs met, that I couldnt see where I was drawing individuals into our life that were destined to hurt us, again and again. But now I see I wasnt the only one who did that. We all did it to some degree. We were all so desperate for love, for validation, that we allowed others to take advantage of us. We had no choice; we were desperate. They had no choice; they were driven by their karma. No one is to blame, it is just the way life happens. Christy? How about you? Asked Aranon, after Kerry fell
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silent. I think its already been said, I replied, hesitantly. I feel complete. I can see my part in all that has occurred in our life. I can also see that forgiveness is not excusing the behavior of others. Forgiveness is releasing the anger, hate and pain we have felt for those who have wronged us; as well as for ourselves in our shame. Forgiveness is finally seeing that everything happens for a reason, and that we are all caught in the same wheel of karma until we can find that forgiveness within our hearts. Its not what has happened, but rather what can happen if we can release the past and focus in the now. Its not what and where we have been, but what we can become that counts. I wana be a ballerina! Said Sissy, and everyone laughed, even Aranon. He hugged her and danced with her once again, as he held her in his arms. By the time that we began our return to Remmies house, there was only twelve hours left in our fantasy of separation. We made the best of it by sharing ourselves with one another, and by developing the capacity to communicate mentally with, not only one another, but with Remmie, her family and Aranon as well. There was a lot of shared pain during that time, but there was also loads of shared joy as well. By the time that we went to
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sleep, we were all convinced that in spite of our pending reunification, we would retain this gift of conscious connection.
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Thirty-Nine
Aranon got us all up early the next morning, to prepare us for our reunification. We had breakfast, and then Aranon took as all down to the surface beside the Mother Pool once again. We stood at the edge, remembering our time as separate individuals, feeling our seperativeness and knowing that it was just an illusion, and yet grateful for it. My heart swelled with love for my inner family, who had come to know themselves and each other, and who had each struggled in their own way to understand their pain and to give it up with love. The collective I had become more aware of itself and then more aware of its place in the universe, a
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place where we all had come to realize we had a say in what happened to us. We all held our destiny in our own hands. It was ours to make. The freedom to be who we truly are comes from within us. We are united now, and the possibilities are endless! Suddenly, there was a rushing, like a wind and I stood alone next to Aranon beside the pool. I looked around and then sobbed at my perceived loss. Aranon held me, surrounding me with himself, as I had done for Davy, holding me until the shock and the sensation of aloneness passed. They are all still there, said Aranon, gently. If you will listen, you can hear them telling you they are there. I listened to my inner reality and heard them each identifying themselves, each pleading for me to recognize them. I held them all in my mind, the vision of how they had presented themselves as individuals still fresh in my memory. I allowed myself to identify each of them, visualizing myself hugging them in their unique identities, assuring each of them that we were still together, still a family of individuals, as well as a unity, of one mind and body. Now the tears were tears of happiness and reunion. Nothing was lost and much had been gained. Its time to return to Anchor, Christy. It is time to take the next step. Whats the next step? I asked, tears still dripping from my
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eyes. To become who you really are, he replied. To decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. I already know what that is, I said. I know that I want to help people. I want to make a difference in the lives of those who have experienced too much pain and are captives of it. I want to educate people about how pain and trauma can distort their thinking and make them do things they really dont want to do. I want to teach them about forgiveness and how to get there. I want to do what you do, Aranon, and help people to heal and become forces for good in this life. I want to make a difference. I am sure that can be arranged, he said, smiling broadly, but we still have a little more work to do. He took my hand and led me, alone but not alone, back to Remmies. When we arrived at Remmies, she informed us that we would be attending a farewell party in the Great Hall before we would be allowed to leave. Aranon gave her a look that was somewhere between exasperation and resignation. Well, I guess you could leave without attending, she said, with an embarrassed look, but it would be really nice if you would come. Of course we will, replied Aranon, his mood brightening. All of the people of Archana have been very helpful and supportive, and it would be nice to have the opportunity to thank
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them. How about you, Christy? Do you feel the same way? She asked, hopefully. Sure Remmie, I would like to be able to thank them too, I said with no idea what that would mean. Oh! I am so glad! She said, dancing in place like one of my kids. It would mean so much to my people! So, Remmie led us one more time to the Great Hall, which was filled to overflowing once again. She took my hand and marched me down the center isle, as Aranon followed, his face filled with pride and love. When we reached the dais, Remmie and I ascended the steps together, Aranon bringing up the rear. She led me to face the council, all assembled, sans polished table, standing shoulder to shoulder across the stage. We came to a stop before them and Remmie spoke in her native tongue and then in Sensarian, and then in English. She stood, poised and filled with confidence as she addressed first the Council and then those who had come to bid us farewell. Because of my experience with the terror and pain of sexual abuse I was asked to sponsor this Earther. I was asked to provide her with hospitality and to assume the position of guide while she was here. At first, I felt this to be an imposition on my already full
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life as a wife, mother, teacher and archeologist. Let me tell you now, that nothing in my life has ever been as important as being the friend, yes, the friend of this Earther. You have all met Earthers. You have all felt their arrogance and their distain for those who do not resemble them, or think as they do. You all felt the misgivings when the One, Christy first arrived. Still, you didnt hide from her, and you didnt shun her. For that I am eternally grateful! For, you see that she is not like the rest. She is not only unique in her personal plight, but she is also unique among them all. She never wore her uniqueness as a badge of aloofness, or as a symbol of her superiority. On her second day here she carried one of our own children, lovingly, carefully, and with the dignity and respect of the childs own mother. This was extremely difficult for her, as in her world, a child without clothing is a target for abuse beyond your comprehension or even your desire to comprehend. I understood it because I have experienced that kind of abuse, as the result of my own childhood experience. It took more than just caring and consideration for children to induce her to pick up that child and cradle him in her arms. She gave that child more than just the spiritual name of Courage. She gave him her love. Nevertheless, the name she chose for this child signifies the power that comes from within each individual. This Power resides in Siminian,
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Sensarian and even the Meathos. It is that power that assists us in being willing to face our internal fear and then in doing that which is most needed, most loving in spite of the danger we feel, be it real or imagined. While she has been with us, she has shared herself with us, unafraid, unashamed. She has shared her songs of struggle and enlightenment, and her ideas and opinions, filled with insight and understanding freely, openly and without judgment. She has no idea how deeply she has touched us, or how much she has changed our lives by choosing to walk among us. Even now, she clings to her humility, her need to discount our adulations as overblown, as inconsistent with her true sense of self. She truly feels that she has done nothing important while she has been with us. She truly feels that our gratitude and praise of her, for her unselfishness is undeserved, and unearned. So let me if you will, represent all of us, Siminian, Sensarian and the Meathos, all of us on Archana, in thanking her for gracing us with her presence and in letting her know that her time with us will not only be remembered, but that it will, and already has changed us and expanded our understanding in ways that will make a better life for us all! A cheer went up from the crowd of both Siminians and Sensarians. Remmie stepped away from center stage, returned to me and encouraged me to speak to the crowd. I was
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overwhelmed. I walked out to the center of the stage and faced the council. I was shaking so bad that I was sure they could see it. For a moment I stood silent, facing the council, not knowing what to say. Thank you for allowing me and my inner family to experience life, even for a short time, as individual beings. I have learned much as the result of your willingness to assist me. You have made a difference in my life. Thank you! Thank you all for your willingness to allow all of me, all of my parts, the opportunity to get to know one another. I stood for a moment, not knowing what else I could say. A hint of a smile suffused The Most Highs face. He motioned for me to come to him. Still shaking and unsure of my footing, I went to him and he embraced me. Do you fear us? He whispered to me. Now I knew he could see and feel how badly I was shaking. No, Esteemed One, I said thinking it best to acknowledge his position. Then what is it you fear? He asked in the same hushed voice, an astonished look on his face. Well lets see, looking like an idiot, saying something I didnt mean, not being able to think of anything to say and then just standing there feeling like a fool. Those would do for starters. I
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feel that my performance and my statements will be inadequate or in error, Esteemed One. Ah, he said. I have felt the same way on occasion. Most of the time it were the feelings that were in error, and my performance was exemplary. I trust that this will be the case for you as well. He smiled and then embraced me again, and I could feel his warmth. I hugged him back, and this seemed to astonish him more. Finally, recovering from his shock, he smiled. Then he motioned for me to face the crowd. I turned to the crowd in the hall. I was flabbergasted at how many there were! I even saw Rayko sitting amongst a group of his peers. The sight of all of those loving and expectant faces brought tears to my eyes and I struggled with all my being, asking for assistance from within, to maintain my focus. I thank you all, I said, fighting back tears. I thank all Siminians for offering their voices to the Think-See that allowed my system to become separate parts for a short time. I thank all the people of Archana for being patient with me, and for honoring me, even when my thoughts and feelings must have caused you much pain and fear. I especially want to thank Rayko, for showing me his residence and sharing with me his love for life. I also want to express my gratitude at his willingness to escort me through his world, a world that I wish I could have had.
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I feel honored to have been given the opportunity to meet so many of you! I am honored that you thought I was worth your time and your indulgence. I am honored that Aldalgo; the very esteemed Teaching Guide of Remmie and her family; thought I was worth his time, and thus he gave up his usual daily duties so that he could show me how Sensarians live and introduce me, with pride, to the Sensarian children and their lifestyle. All of you, citizens of Archana, I love you! No matter which race you are! Whether you are Siminian, Sensarian or Meathos! All of you make up a symbiotic unity that is unique in the entire universe, as I know it! You are truly a unity in your diversity! You are the epitome of racial integration and equality, from my standpoint. You have all chosen to work together to raise one another up, to offer each other opportunities to attain your individual highest potential! From my point of view you offer a template from which all planets of mixed races can pattern themselves and promote the unity that underlies diversity. The people of your planet are my heroes! I will remember you forever with love and admiration! A cheer went up, and I stood there like the proverbial deer in the headlights, not quite knowing what to do. Finally, I decided I should say goodbye. Soon, very soon, I will be returning to Anchor, where I will have to complete my integration and healing. As I leave you, I
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also want Remmie and her family to know that I am forever in their debt for providing not just housing, but a family that all of those within me have come to love and respect, and will miss deeply. I am just a person, like each and every one of you, in spite of your global consciousness. I have my own history, my own feelings, and my own challenges, just as each of you do on your own personal level. Each one of you is important! Each one of you is a person, with your own needs, your own desires for the future. Yes, even you Rayko. You are not just a part of the whole. You are an individual, with hopes and dreams, with talents and abilities that are unique to you. You can become anything you desire! You can become anything your faith and inner strength presses you to become. Whatever you decide, as individuals, as a planetary oneness, let it be open to new ideas, even ones having to do with technology. Technology is only as dangerous as the attitudes of those who utilize it. I see no danger in your hearts. Thank you again for your love and support, and your willingness to assist in the healing of just one individual. I will be forever in your debt, and will forever owe you my allegiance as an Archanian. You gave me that position and I value it as much as my own life. I seek to love, not hate, I seek to heal not hurt, and I seek to serve and not to exact due service. I may be leaving your
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beautiful planet, but a part of me stays here, loving you, encouraging you to rediscover yourselves, to rediscover your technology and then to use it in the service of others. I bowed and another cheer went up. I hurried over and stood beside Remmie, but the cheer kept roaring, and people were standing up and I was totally embarrassed by it. Finally, Aranon went to the center of the stage and raised his hands. I want to thank you all for your loving support of the Seeker, Christy. I also want to thank you for sharing your inner technology with us and assisting us in completing this experiment. That inner technology is your greatest strength. It is not based upon implementation, or the use of physical tools, but rather it is based in consciousness, it is based in spirit. It is a gift that comes directly from your souls and the soul of Archana itself. Again, I thank you for your willingness to share your very souls with us. Aranon turned as another roaring cheer went up, joining Remmie and I. Then the three of us went down the stairs, exiting the stage. As we walked down the center isle, the people were reaching out to us and I touched as many of them as I could. I felt the need to make as many contacts as I could, savoring the feeling of being loved, accepted, maybe even adored. It was a good feeling to know that I was capable of touching so many lives, as well as allowing so many lives to touch mine. It energized
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me and strengthened me, so that wherever came next, even the work I must do on myself, even the things I must face about myself, would be easier because I would be stronger. Remmie took us to a teleport and then hugged us both goodbye again. Take good care of Piddles, I said. Some day Aranon will bring him a mate and you can have the only dog breeding business on the planet! I think that would be interesting, but I would rather just enjoy Piddles for himself for a while. He is such a delightful being. I thank you for bringing him and leaving him with us. He will be well loved, I promise. Then Remmie nodded to the teleport operator with tears in her eyes and we were suddenly in my room on Anchor.
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Forty
So what now? I asked, feeling as though the wind had just been taken out of my sails. You should probably eat something, he said. And then maybe we can take a look at what we have learned. Im glad we are going to get back to work. I want to be done with this so I can go home. What will you do when you go home? He asked. Stay with Remmie and her family. I said, smiling at him. I meant it too! I no longer wanted to go back to Earth. You will have to go back to Earth before too long or there is
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a chance we may not be able to send you back, he said, soberly. I could feel his concern. What are you saying, Aranon? I asked, feeling a twinge of fear that I didnt quite understand. The last bioscan that I gave you showed that your permanent atom is loosing its resonance for your native position and is adopting the resonance of Anchor, he responded, soberly. This is very unusual. Generally it can take up to three years for the permanent atom to shift, especially for Earthers. So what will happen if I dont go back soon? Will it disrupt the time line or something? Essentially, yes, not to mention the pain it will cause your family. Well, as you may have noticed, I dont have a whole lot of reasons to care how my family feels about it. And then there are all of the things your may have done if you had resumed your life there; the people you may have helped, the understanding you may have brought to so many. After all of this work, you very well might become responsible for a planetary shift in consciousness that could make the difference concerning whether Earth survives or not. Are you sure that choosing to go to Archana instead would be a good choice? Aw, come on, I said, snidely. Im not that important!
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Are you sure? Of course Im sure. Im just youre run of the mill ordinary messed up person. How can what I have learned make any difference to anyone but me? Look at the difference you have made on Archana. I dont think they would classify you as ordinary. Yeah, well, thats because they havent met anyone as ordinary as me. Aranon laughed as he set a plate of food in front of me. He sat down facing me as I ate. Okay, so lets look at what will happen if you dont return to your native position. Do you remember the loud noises that you heard when you were attempting your meditation? Yeah, like a sonic boom. That was the air trying to rush into the place your body had been. You never quite made it completely out of that space the first couple of times, but the last time, he raised his arm and moved his hand palm up, indicating me, well, here you are. But what do you think happened back where you were? Back where your body had been? Another, bigger sonic boom? Not to mention the implosion of matter that very well might have the potential to completely destroy the house you were in.
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The destruction could, very well, be even more than that. I havent plotted it but it could involve as much as a quarter of a mile in diameter from the location of your departure. Shit! I said, realizing that if what he said were true, I had no choice but to go back. This really sucks! I can see that we are dealing mostly with Kerry here, he said, chuckling. It would appear that you are interfacing pretty well. Nevertheless, that doesnt change the facts. You have to go back. But still, wont there be an explosion anyway? Implosion, and no, just some noise like before. We will be replacing you within less than a second from the moment you were successful in leaving. Actually, in technological terms, it would be in less than a nanosecond. But what about teleportation? Why doesnt it cause this implosion thing? Because true teleportation works with the physics of the universe, not against it. So I could teleport back here again, if I had one of those communicators, huh? Or, we could transport you in a number of ways without danger, yes, he smiled. And I have no doubt that eventually you will be back, one way or another.
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So going home doesnt mean I can never come back? I asked, my heart leaping with excitement. True. In fact, I am certain that one of the reasons that your permanent atom is shifting so rapidly is that you were, at one time, a native of this planet. What this means, essentially, is that your soul feels it belongs here. So, why dont we discuss what it is you will do when you get home? I dont know. Things were pretty crumby when I left. Tell me how things were when you left. Well, I had a broken pelvis. I got that driving delivery for my Dads shop. I was distracted; my emotions were really messing up my mind. I thought I had the green light, but I guess I didnt. I got slammed on the drivers side by a big pickup truck that then proceeded to roll over the top of my car, smashing the roof down to seat level. I would have never survived it if I had been wearing my seatbelt. My head would have been crushed. It really made me stop and think. Thats when I started getting into metaphysics, trying to find the answers to my internal dilemma. I was seeing a therapist through the County Hospital and I was taking pills by the handful; anything to calm myself so that I could function. After the accident, I started looking for answers that were more healthy, more lasting than a handful of pills that just numbed me down and made me feel disconnected from everything including myself.
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So how will it be different when you return? Well, I wont have a broken hip, which is probably going to blow my parents minds. I wont need a handful of pills to help me cope with my feelings, with life. Im a little bit wiser, and I really want to be a better person and contribute something to saving my planet. I probably wont blame my parents so much for my problems. Im probably healthier. Those things alone are enough make my life a little different. Yes! He said, smiling. So, what will you do? What action will you take? Im not sure I know what you mean. I felt frustrated because I had no idea what it would be like to go back and still remember all the things Id learned. I would be going back into a semi primitive world. The world would never look the same to me after this. What would you like to do with your life when you return? I think I would like to help people, like you do. Okay, so what will you have to do to be able to do that? Ill need to come back here and train, I guess. I think it would be best to think about what you are going to do on Earth. You will have to deal with your issues there first. This is also part of the healing process. In fact, its a very important part. I will attempt to help you see what those issues
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are, and offer some suggestions as to how to get your needs met, but you have to make the choices that will get you there. The reason I am discussing this with you is that you need to develop a plan before you go back. Okay, I said, taking my dishes to the recycler. I couldnt imagine planning my life. I had never developed a plan for anything, and those that were developed for me by others, no matter how well meaning, I resented. What kind of plan? Well, we will need to begin by discussing what exactly it is that you want. Not so much what you want to do, but what you want your life to be like. Well I would like my life to be calmer and more independent. I would like to be able to get a job and support myself. I would probably need to go back to school in order to do what I really want, which is help people. Okay, thats a good start! So, how do you think you can become calmer, more independent? That depends on whether the problems I had in the past are gone or not. Will I still get that pain in my belly when I go back? Will I still want to be spanked? Will I still have bad dreams and flashbacks from the terrible times in my life? We cant fix you, Christy, but we can assist you in learning how to fix yourself. Some of your problems and internal strife will
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still be there. You will need to learn to deal with that within your native environment. I suppose this will be the number one priority for the next few days. So lets look at what we have learned, okay? Ive been waiting for you to get around to that and I think I have it pretty well figured out. Really? Tell me about it. Well, lets see. I had this really horrible life last time; if I am willing to believe that; where I died while under the influence of drugs that allowed me to be psychically connected to my sister. I failed my sister and my father in that life and then died while psychically aware, so I carried that awareness or, I guess, the semi-awareness of my past life into this one. Then, in this life it was as if I wasnt wanted at all. They held me back for hours and almost killed my mother, who carried a buried resentment toward me for a while as the result of that. I was so exhausted by that ordeal that I slept the first year of my life. But my mom couldnt just let me sleep, she proceeded to potty train me before I was four months old, because she hated the idea of washing diapers. She taught me how to drink out of a cup before I was ten weeks old because she hated washing baby bottles. This forced me to attempt to control my bodily functions at
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a time when most infants are nurtured and cared for; breast-fed and allowed to bond with their mothers. My mother didnt want to bond with me; she just wanted to control me. How did she manage to potty train you at four months old? Aranon asked, intrigued. She would watch me while I slept and when my face changed expression, she would take me and hold me over the toilette. She herself told me this. She was very proud of this and was not afraid to tell just anyone about it, I replied angrily, gritting my teeth. Is that how you are connecting with all of this now, he asked. Because she told you? I also have all the memories of every part of myself available to me now, remember? Fascinating, he replied, and I thought of Spock on Star Trek, and smiled. Then, as a precocious eighteen month old baby, I continued, I walked my playpen over to the stove where I accidentally pored a pot of boiling coffee all over the front of me. Then our neighbor, a nurse and previous Corpsman in the Armed Services, who had been stationed in England during the blitz, shared his expertise and saved my skin, and maybe my life. On the other hand, maybe my dad saved my life by tickling
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me so that I would shut up and go to sleep, and in doing so generated dopamine and endorphins that calmed my nervous system and helped me to heal. That was the good part. But then he got an attack of propriety and beat the hell out of me for asking for a tickling in front of visitors, saying that it was bad and wrong and he would never do it again, thus robbing me of all the feelings of being loved and nurtured that I was unable to obtain from my mother. Then, to put a lid on all of it they abandoned me to the care of my fourteen year old brother and a live-in babysitter of the same age while they went to California, leaving me to be tied into bed and humiliated. Okay, you are doing pretty well, Im impressed! Said Aranon. Tell me, how do you feel about your father in view of what you learned? Well, in my normal consciousness, I cant imagine my father doing the tickling thing, but I can see him giving me a good tanning for asking for it, especially in the company of friends. I dont know, I still feel as though he tried to buy my love instead of taking time to just be with me. I also think he was mostly subservient to my mother, which is why he worked so much. It was the only time he could make his own decisions and feel in control. I think he loved me, but I think both he and my mom were totally ignorant when it came to raising a girl.
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Do you feel that he was the cause of all your problems? No! Nevertheless, what happened was. He only did what thought he had to do at the time. Actually, as a small child I idolized him, but then he got more and more distant, unless he was angry with me about something and then he was abusive. After a while, I began to think I really was adopted and that my parents really didnt want me at all. Especially after they started teasing me about the contraceptive my mom was supposedly wearing when I was conceived. Tell me about that. Not much to tell. They would often tease me, when I was being a pain by saying; Button, button, whos got the button? My dad once said that they expected to find that button, the contraceptive, in my tiny hand when I was born. I felt unwanted when they would say those things. How do you feel about your mother? I dont think she really wanted me either. I think she was happy with two boys, and I, being a girl, was an extra chore that she was not sure how to do. She made many of my clothes, she would dress me up and make me sit for hours getting my hair curled, burning me and then yelling at me for being so difficult, so that she could show me off, like a doll or something. How did she burn you? He asked.
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She would curl my hair with this curling iron that was heated on the stove, and kept touching the hot iron to my ears and other places on my head and around my face. You never spoke of this before. The memory wasnt accessible before. All right, continue, he said, and I saw wonder on his face. I dont think I was real to her for several years after I was born. I was just a live doll to dress up and show off. I didnt comply with her picture of me very well though, because I preferred overalls and t-shirts. I think I frustrated her. I was not the sweet, pretty little girl she wanted me to be most of the time. I could tell that I never quite met her expectations. So, your relationship with her was more distant than you would have liked? As far as I was concerned, she liked my brother more than me and I would never measure up. We havent discussed your mother much except for your birth and the time she killed that kitten in front of you. Tell me another memory you have about something traumatic that happened between you and your mother. I really made her mad one time when I found a tricycle parked on a sidewalk in town, about a quarter mile from my house and road it home. Gads! She made me take that trike back and
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then all the way home she hit me with a stick she made me break off a tree. Tell me more about that, he said. She was angry with me for stealing. I didnt know I had stolen anything. I had just found a trike parked on a sidewalk, and no one was around, so I road it home. I thought it was okay to do that. I had no idea what stealing meant. She was livid. She wouldnt even allow the man, the father of the boy who owned the trike, to buy me an ice cream cone for bringing it back. No! She had to yell at him, saying there was no reward for stealing and then yell at me all the way home, making me break off a branch from a tree so she could hit me with it while she continued to yell at me. Then, when we got home, she made me take off my clothes and she hit me until I thought she was going to kill me! I think knowing that she was capable of killing is what scared me the most! Do you remember your age? Four I think. I know it was after the kitten thing and before I began school at five. What was her reason for beating you? I just told you, I stole a trike! She was beating me for stealing. But you went back with her willingly to return the bike, didnt
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you? Yes, but in her mind I had stolen it, even though I took it back on her request. Do you think it would help to review this experience in the Meathos? No! I said, emphatically. Just recounting the memory is enough for me. I really dont see any need to go back and revisit that pain. On the other hand, there may be something that youve missed, something that has escaped your memory and would be helpful to reconnect with. No! I replied again just as firmly as before. I remember the whole thing. It was scary and painful and I felt lost, abandoned, and maybe even hated by my mother. Why do you suppose she had such a violent reaction to your doing something so innocent? Obviously you were unaware that you were stealing. Maybe it was something from her own past that caused her to react that way, I said. Maybe, he said, softly. Or maybe it was something from a past life, where the two of you shared the same or maybe even opposite roles. Then I forgive her and I forgive myself, I replied.
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Forgiveness doesnt come from just saying the words, Christy. It comes from the capacity to identify with the feelings and the conditions that generated the abusiveness. Look, Aranon, I dont need to relive this. I know that she was overwrought with the thought that I had taken something that belonged to someone else. Yes, her reaction was all out of proportion to my actions, in view of my age and my level of understanding. I really dont want to go back into that. I really dont want to revisit that pain. I am wondering why you are so adamant about this. Well its not because I dont remember it all, because I do. Not only that, but whatever gaps there may have been, Lynn has filled them in for me. It was scary, it was painful and it put yet another wedge between my mother and I. I dont need to relive it to get past it. Maybe it would help to revisit the past lives that you and your mother shared. Why is this such a big deal to you, Aranon? Hmm, I was wondering the same thing. I am tired of the pain, I want to get on with my life! Okay, continue with what you have come to understand about yourself and your life as the result of what you have connected with here.
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Thanks. Youre welcome. Continue, please. Okay, so my dad had cut me off, and as a two year old that was terribly traumatic, because it was my only source of connectiveness, of love, and of the touching and nurturing that I so desperately craved. So when I wasnt making myself feel better, I was playing doctor with the kids in the neighborhood. Okay, tell me what that means. Playing doctor? Yes. It means taking off all your clothes and letting the other kids touch you in your private place. Where do you do this? Any place where grownups couldnt see. Such as? The alley, Mr. Eddys back porch, behind the bushes, under the stairs. Mr. Eddys back porch? Yeah. I thought about that for a moment and then a cold shock ran through me. Oh, I see, maybe he saw me doing that and it wasnt just sitting on his dead wifes bed that caused him to do what he did! I would say that is a good possibility.
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Okay, so then Mr. Eddy did his thing with me and I felt like I was going to hell and nothing could stop it but God. But I was certain that God didnt like me because of all the other stuff, like what I liked my daddy to do, and letting the other kids play with me when I was naked, and playing with myself. I figured that because I not only liked it but craved it, that put me in the lake of fire for sure, and the memory of what it was like to get burned was still fresh, so that was a threat that I actually understood. Then, my mom killed the kitten and my view of death became as scary as what might happen after death. I thought that death was when people put you in a hole and then you woke up and nobody would let you out. So you had to stay there, forever and ever, trying to not make any noise so that God could find you and throw you in that lake of fire. So then I wanted to know about God. I went to church with all my friends and most of the time my greatest fears were only validated. Except with one, the Christian Science Church. That one was different. That one taught that there were keys that would allow us to enter heaven, no matter what our life had been like before. They never talked of fire and brimstone. They rarely talked about sin. They often talked about Gods love and its healing power. I liked that. I asked my daddy to take me there to Sunday school even though he and the rest of the family no
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longer wanted to go. Daddy didnt like it because they wanted him to stop smoking and drinking. But he took me and dropped me off and picked me up. Then I started kindergarten. That was really scary for me. Not so much because I had to be away from home, but because I had to give up my independence. Up until that time I had been allowed to roam freely with very little supervision. I had no timetable, no format to my life. I generally did what I wanted when I wanted to. No more! Now I had to do what I was told, when I was told, and I rebelled. I didnt rebel because the things we did were uninteresting or not fun, I rebelled because my teacher was a controller and I didnt like being made to do things that werent my idea, or according to my own timetable. My kindergarten teacher, Miss Taylor, was a real bitch! She forced me to paint a picture and then told me it was no good, tearing it off the easel and tossing it, all balled up, in the trash can. If I made a mistake while making a letter during alphabet class, she would yell at me! If I didnt do exactly what she said, any time, she would yell at me and punish me by making me sit in the corner. Finally, Id had enough. I was very angry one day. I dont know about what, but I got up on the worktable and started kicking everything on the floor. It was mostly drawings and puzzles. The teacher had left the room for a moment when I did
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this. I dont know why, but I was really mad. Anyway, after that she started to lock me in the milk room. The milk room was a room where the cooler for the little bottles of milk, served to us each day at snack time, were kept. It was a little larger than a closet, and with the cooler in there, it had just enough space to get to the cooler. The door had a grating in it, to vent the heat from the coolers compressor. It was dark in there and the only light came through that grating. I could see the floor of the classroom just outside the door, but nothing else. I could hear the teacher though, and learned about the alphabet that way. I also decided to teach myself to read. I realized that a lot of information was out there, information about God and Heaven and getting to heaven, so I made myself learn to read. I guess the Sensarians are right. If there is an incentive to learn something, the child will do whatever they need to do to learn it. The first book I read was Science & Health: With Keys to the Scriptures, by Mary Baker Eddy. I figured she must be related to my Mr. Eddy, so she should know what would help me out of my mess. Aranon held up his hand to stop my dissertation. You know, I find it very interesting that your remember these things with such minute detail, and that you are you also aware of how it is you are doing this.
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Right, I said, almost smugly. I now have all the memories of Sissy, Lynn and the others to fill in the gaps. Im really impressed by the seamlessness of your account. I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all how proud I am of you, how impressed I am at your ability to share your memories and your feelings. Thanks, I said. Its kinda exciting, dont you think? Yes, I do, he replied, smiling. Please, continue. Then my family moved to another house, and I to another school. Nothing changed. I was still angry about having to go to school and had yet another teacher that was cruel and controlling. I failed her class and was placed back a half a grade. Then we moved again and I was in Phoenix, Arizona where they didnt have half grades and I was placed in with my grade level. I didnt do my homework, I didnt do my class work and the new teacher tried to fail me too, but after a test, I was judged to be beyond my grade level, so she couldnt. Then we moved again and I was in another new school and third grade. I masturbated openly in class and no one said anything. I was provocative in my behavior. Then, the two teenaged boys molested me. I withdrew, I wanted to be a boy, but that was not possible in a female body, so I posed as a boy. Then we moved again, I started fifth grade in yet another school and
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had even more difficulty fitting in, probably because I had trouble making friends because we had moved so much. Then my parents sent me to the parochial school for sixth grade and I got all that Bible training. Then there was the thing with the ball, which was related to the thing with the ball I lost at Mr. Eddys, and the ball I lost when I was four or five at the Boy Scout Jamboree, which I didnt really go into, but you know when that was. Then my teacher refused to spank me and I panicked, thinking I was done for, that I would spend my eternity in hell, especially after what my mother told me about how adultery was what I had committed with the teenaged boys when I was eight. Then I got this fantasy going that I would remember all the things that had happened to make me so scared, if someone who really cared about me would just spank me. That fantasy went on for years until I finally ran into someone who would spank me and yet it didnt stop the fantasy at all and didnt make me remember. Whoa, just a minute there! Aranon broke into my monolog, his face filled with interest. You never told me that you had gotten what you wanted. Tell me about that. Oh, all right, I said, feeling as though this was going to become another ordeal. I went to an MYF work camp when I was fifteen. Thats Methodist Youth Fellowship. The work camp was
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organized to help a small church in Northern Arizona. Our job was to clean up the church grounds and to clean and beautify the church. The camp lasted for two days. We arrived on Friday evening and stayed until Sunday afternoon. During this time I had an episode. A youth minister from another church in Phoenix recognized what I wanted and gave it to me, for about three hours. You mean he kept spanking you for three hours? Not continuously, but yes. Tell me what happened during this experience. I really didnt want to get into this. It was an experience that I was not very proud of. I caused it, and I played along, but nothing really good ever came from it. This minister, I reluctantly began, Reverend Reiker, caught me with a book of matches in my hand, walking off without telling anyone where I was going. Actually, I was not talking at all. He demanded to know what I was doing out at night, after lights out, with a book of matches. I wouldnt talk to him so he took me into the office and spanked me; not just once but over and over until I started babbling in way that he thought was evidence of speaking in tongues. Actually, I was reciting a hymn, the words of which I had reversed. I was just saying words backwards, but to him it was speaking in tongues. Then he took me into the prayer
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room to pray with me. I pretended to have this spiritual awakening, and asked him to spank me again, telling him I didnt remember the first spanking. He did. Still nothing. No memories, no nothing. But I liked it. I didnt really realize that until now. I got him to spank me at least three more times, and got this sense of euphoria from it, and a huge release. That sense of euphoria that I got from the spankings drove me to attempt to obtain even more spankings, but once Reverend Reiker went back to Ohio, where his home was, I never got what I wanted again. I tried to get it from the Doctor that molested me, but he figured I really wanted sex, so that was what he gave me. Now, I can see why, but then I was really confused by that. It is interesting that even though you remembered nothing as the result of this painful process, that you still wanted to go through it again. Observed Aranon. I know, you said you experienced a sense of euphoria from these experiences, and yet you continued to cling to your fantasy that it would make you remember. I am not sure I understand this. Can you explain it to me? Okay, well, back then, I just wanted to be spanked because it provided a release I think. I didnt know it was sexual. Now that I know, what happened makes more sense to me. Obviously, that
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is why the doctor decided to have sex with me. Again, I can see how I drew that abuse. I was crazy, what can I say? So, wanting to be spanked really wasnt driven by a need to remember, but rather a need for release, a need to be punished, to feel pain? Okay, yeah, thats right. I used to hurt myself to get the pain too. I would cut myself or intentionally hurt myself, hit my head against a wall, try to break an arm or leg, just to feel the pain. I remember some of the reasons that I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to get the bad out. I needed attention. I wanted to feel loved. I still thought that if it were enough I would remember what happened that made me want this. But youre right, it was mostly to feel pain, to get the bad out and to feel love. I felt hot all over like I had been caught in a lie. I felt that he was uncovering a secret that made me feel dirty. I guess you think I am liar now, huh? I said, feeling like now I deserved his mistrust. No, but I think you have been avoiding the truth about this need of yours. I think you needed to give it a legitimate purpose in order to make it sound reasonable and logical. I think you have known for a while that it was not the key to your memories, but that it was a release, a release that not only addressed your need to be punished, but also a need to acquire a sexual release. In view of other things that have happened here, on Anchor, I now
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recognize that this activity is addictive, that it also stimulates the release of dopamine, endorphins and other chemicals within your brain. Thats why the more you got, the more you wanted. Okay, I replied, not really wanting to look at it, but recognizing that what he said was true. I didnt really understand addiction back then, but I did know that the more I got the more I wanted. I felt terribly ashamed. Im sorry, I said, hoping to take the edge off my own shame. Can you see how it all got started? He asked, gently, not acknowledging my apology. Of course I can. The stuff with my dad, Mr. Eddy, my mom accusing me of wanting what those boys did to me, my fear of Gods punishment and wanting to beat Him to it. Yes, I can see it. And you can see its sexual basis? I can now. Im sorry. I didnt mean to. You didnt mean to do what? I didnt mean for it to be sexual. Thats not what I wanted! I agree that you didnt want sexual penetration, but I think you wanted a sexual release, whether you were able to identify it as that or not. No! I said, feeing deeply unsettled by his statements. A sexual release is nice, not painful. I know thats not what I
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wanted. Okay, what did your father do when he realized his actions were not appropriate? He beat me up. And what did Mr. Eddy do to teach you the evils of your body, after giving you a little sexual pleasure? He beat me and then raped me. I said, suddenly seeing what he was getting at. You couldnt get your sexual pleasure through normal channels, because those had been closed to you, with beatings, with terror and pain. So you translated that into meaning that sexual pleasure can only be acquired through terror and pain. Can you see that now? Can you see that early on you connected pain with love, and then with sexual release? The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized that I had been setting myself up for all of my sexual abuses, all my life. I felt terrible shame and self-loathing. I began to hyperventilate, and the pain in my stomach returned with a vengeance. Aranon reached out for me, but it was too late. Before he could grab me I was on the floor, convulsing. That was another way I dealt with feelings that were just too overwhelming to face. These convulsions probably stimulated an endorphin release as well.
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Forty-One
I awoke once again on my bed with Aranon sitting beside me. I opened my eyes and he was there, a concerned smile on his face. Anthon is right, he said. You have got to find a better way of dealing with this buildup. I think it would help if we got to the bottom of it. I have, I said, and I dont like it. Tell me what you have gotten to the bottom of? What its all about. I feel incredible shame, because my whole life, my whole lifes quest has been a lie, and I knew it was
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a lie all along. It wasnt a lie, it was a desire, a fantasy. The truth about it is that you honestly desired to know what happened to you. The fantasy was a means through which you envisioned yourself attaining that goal. The fantasy pointed you in the right direction. Not a lie, but rather a symbol of your hearts desire. But it was really all about sex! I said loudly, feeling the terrible shame welling up inside me, tears clouding my vision. Yes, he said, gently. It was, and it is all about sex. Its all about your history of sexual abuse and how that has affected your thinking, your physical and emotional connection with love and with your sense of personal value. It is also about the sensation generated by the release of dopamine, endorphins and other neural peptides, and how that makes you feel. But above all, its about your intense desire to connect with love, and to experience the validation you so desperately need, and your fear that because of what you have done, and what you have allowed others to do to you in your search for this love and validation, you have become somehow damned. Its kind of a hell if you do, hell if you dont type situation. Its a reaction formation of the first order, and you have given it dominion over your life. So what do I do? How do I get past it? I was unable to control the tears anymore and they spilled from my eyes and
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down my cheeks. You come to understand it, to start with. Help me, I cried. I cant live like this anymore! Let me connect with your mind and body. Let me feel what you are feeling so that I can help you to understand it. Let me use my talents to help you, he asked, in a gentle but pleading voice. I thought about it. I even gave it some serious consideration. It would be so nice, and so easy to have all of this magically taken from me. But something kept stopping me. Something kept telling me, deep down inside, that I had to work through this on my own. It was okay to have a little support, but I had to do this myself. No, I have to do this myself. I dont know why, but I know that I have to. I would insist on nothing less. All I am asking is that you let me help you. Let me make it less painful, less psycho-physically disturbing. No! I cried, again. The pain is the key! I know the pain is the key! Christy, you dont need to feel all of this pain to attain what you are looking for. Lets try a process, okay? A process? Remember? He asked, hopefully. I hold you across my lap and clap my hands?
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How can that help? I asked. It will allow you to generate as much pain as you need for a constructive purpose. It may even assist you in connecting with the source of the pain within you. I decided that it couldnt hurt and I really wanted to be held, even if it was mostly sexual. In fact, that would probably increase the pain of it, and I really needed pain right now because I was feeling lost, alone and adrift. Okay, I said, feeling the anticipation building. This was nuts! I was definitely addicted to pain! He helped me to sit up and then positioned the chair so that he could draw me over his lap. When he did, I felt an unimaginable thrill as the fear built, and I realized that I was also addicted to the fear. It super-sensitized me and opened the door to allow the pain to flow. When he drew me across his lap, I gasped with anticipation and fear. With the first loud clap of his hands, I felt myself dissociate into my fear, and open to the pain. The second clap shattered my connection with the reality of the situation and pain ripped through me like a lightening bolt! The third clap had me screaming, and when he placed his hands on me, one at the base of my spine and one on the top of my head, the charge, the energy of that pain was the most intense I have ever felt! I fought and struggled to get out of his grasp, but there
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seemed to be a magnetic connection, between my body and his hands, that kept me there, writhing, screaming, crying, and burning with pain from the inside out. What was it about me that was so bad that I had to do this to myself? Then, suddenly, I was back in the bathroom with my mother. I was naked. She was beating me with the switch I had broken from the tree at her request. Gods laws were put there for a reason! She said, her anger making her voice break. If you break Gods laws you will go to Hell! Thou shalt not steal! Tell me you will never do that again! Tell me! I wont ever, ever do it again, mommy! I cried. Sometimes you make me so mad I could kill you! She yelled. Dont kill me mommy! Please dont kill me! I rolled into a ball and gritted my teeth, trying to absorb the pain. Please, mommy. I love you mommy! Thats why I am doing this. I am doing this because I love you and I dont want you to go to Hell! Im doing this because I love you! I love you mommy! Please dont kill me mommy! I wont do it again, mommy! I screamed as she continued to hit me, over and over with the switch, making me burn with pain all over my
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naked body. This must be love, I told myself. Mommy said it is. Then I was transported back to my three-year-old body, and Mr. Eddy was forcing himself into me saying; I am doing this because I love you and want to save you from going to Hell! Pain ripped through my body as he raped me. This is love, this pain and fear is Love. Then I was transported to my baby body, wracked with the pain of severe burns, feeling my daddys gentle touch, and knowing that everything was going to be okay. He loved me. He is making me feel good. This is love, pain and pleasure. Then I was transported forward to the point where I was laying across Reverend Reikers lap. He was causing me intense pain because he loved me, because he cared about me. Pain is love. Pain is the fulfillment of my being. Then I experienced an enormous release that shuddered through my entire body. Finally, my body relaxed and Aranon waited for a moment and then placed me back on the bed. Talk to me Christy. He said. Tell me what you experienced. I experienced love, I said, sobbing with the realization that what he said was true. Realizing that I truly had experienced love as the result of all of that terrible pain. Help me, I pleaded. I dont think I can experience love without pain.
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Yes, you can, but it may take a little time, he replied, gently. All that is required is the willingness to see things differently. Im willing, I said, tearfully. Help me Aranon. Please. I have no greater desire at this time, Christy. But you are going to have to trust me. Do you think you can trust me, Christy? Okay, I replied. Ill trust you, but I dont think you can help me with this. I dont think I will ever get free of it. I can, and you will, he said. Tell me what you are feeling right now. Shame! What is the shame about? That my whole life has been a lie! Weve been here already, Christy. It hasnt been a lie. He smiled and patted my arm. What you are doing is trying to meet a need that is so overwhelming that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get it met. Is it an addiction? Yes. Can you beat it? Yes. Are you willing to try, Christy? Yes. Tell me what you experienced during the process. My mom, beating me in the bathroom, telling me that I had broken Gods law; thou shalt not steal. Beating me because she
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loved me and wanted to save me from Hell. I felt that pain as love. My mothers love. Then I went to Mr. Eddy, and heard him telling me that he was doing this because he loved me and wanted to save me from Hell. And I thought, this is love. Pain and fear. Then I went back to my dad, and the time I was burned, and he was soothing me, he was relaxing me, he was taking away my pain with his touch and I thought, pain brings love, my fathers love. Then I was taken to the experience of Reverend Reiker spanking me and I thought; pain is love. Pain is the fulfillment of my being. That is when I realized that there is no way out. That this is such a part of my being that I will never be free of it. That depends, he said, nodding his head knowingly. On what? I said. On whether you want to be free of it. If you dont, then we are wasting our time and you may as well be sent home. If you do, then there is a good prognosis for recovery. You did a very good job at describing what you felt during that process. I think you see your challenges fairly accurately. Its important for you to remember that just because there is a mountain between you and your goal that doesnt mean you cannot attain your goal. It does mean that reaching your goal can be a long, arduous and sometimes dangerous prospect, especially if you choose to go over the mountain to reach your goal. Nevertheless, in choosing
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to go over the mountain will get to your goal in a third of the time, and you will have learned new survival techniques in the process. Of course, Christy, it will always be your choice. I guess I will need some climbing gear. I looked at him deadpan, and he wasnt sure what to make of my statement. Finally, he smiled and patted my arm. That may very well be what you need, he said. I could see the wheels turning. Rest a while, I need to meet with Dorn. I think you may have come up with a very wonderful idea. What? Climbing a mountain for real? Exactly. What better way to confront your challenges? Of course, you will be meeting individuals along the way who will also challenge you, on other levels, a sort of Vision Quest. Do you know what a Vision Quest is? No, I said, shaking my head. I didnt have a clue. A Vision Quest is a Ritual Journey or a Rite Of Passage. It is something that you must do alone, although you may meet others along the way. It is a wilderness walk that allows you to be alone with yourself and discover what it is that you truly want for your life. Along this walk you will be challenged and tested, guided and nurtured. By the time you reach the end of your walk, you will have faced your demons and chosen your path. How do you feel about that?
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Alone? You wont be with me? This shocked me. I had sorta grown attached to Aranons presence. I will be nearby, and you will see me at least once a day. He got up and started for the door. Try to rest. Ill be back soon. He smiled and then punched in the door code and left. I didnt have to try to rest; I fell asleep. I dreamed about Meestra. She came to me and asked me what I wanted more than anything else in life. My first response was that I just wanted to be well. Then she asked me to define what being well was like. I had to really give that some thought. Had I ever known a person who was really well? What would well look like? Clear thinking might be one aspect of it. Being capable of loving and being loved without pain or guilt, shame or manipulation. Being able to be considerate of and tolerant of others, honoring their individuality, and having patience with their unique way of seeing and doing things. Being insightful and intuitive and allowing only love and compassion to guide my way. At this Meestra smiled, kissed me on the forehead and left. I awoke when the door hissed open and Aranon entered, smiling. My eyes fluttered open as he entered. All right, he said, still smiling. Its all set. As soon as you have completed the orientation, you will be going on a Vision Quest!
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Okay, I replied, sleepily. The orientation will last as long as it takes for you to understand the process and come up with the parameters of your personal quest. You will be building this quest yourself. You will decide what you want to learn and which demons you will be confronting. Okay, I replied, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Meestra came to me in my dream. She wanted me to tell her what I wanted most in my life. Good! What did you tell her? I told her I wanted to be well. Then she wanted me to tell her what that would be like. And what did you tell her it would be like? He asked, interested. I told him of what I envisioned as being well. Good, good! That will fit nicely into what I have planned for you. And what might that be? I asked, feeling as though I was not going to get a real answer. All right, well first of all you are going to need a map to follow, as you will taking a predefined path. One that is difficult, but not too difficult. Along the way, you will be stopping at specific points, to commune with guides or sages who will assist you in finding answers to your questions and assisting you in fighting
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your demons. But, before you can go, you will need to define the demons that you will be confronting. So, what you need from me are the demons I need to fight? Yes. Okay. Pain, fear, shame and death. Why death? Because my fear of death has driven me all my life. Is it a nothingness where I am aware but can see, hear and touch no one? Or is it eternal damnation to a lake of fire? Or, is it the transition from one life to another? I just dont know, and that is what terrifies me more than anything else. Yes, thats good. I think you are going to be very good at this. He smiled again. Now, I need to know your most burning question. Thats easy. Who am I and why am I here? Is there a predefined plan for my life? Can I ever know what that is with any assurance? Good! Okay, and what is your goal? To be really well, what else is there? Great! So now you must prepare for the ordeal. Ordeal? In order for it to be a vision quest it must be an ordeal. Not
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beyond your capacity to overcome, but difficult enough for you to have to struggle to get through it. To begin with, you will have to climb the mountain. The area is in what you might call the wild. There will be wild animals and insects. You will have to know about each of them and how to act and react when you come upon them, or when they come upon you. Maybe this is not the best idea, I said, feeling frightened by the idea that I would be left alone to deal with the beasts and other denizens of this wild place. I dont want to do this if there is a chance I could be killed by a wild animal or by the bite of some unknown insect. That is exactly why you must do this. In order for this to be a true vision quest, you must be confronted with hazards, with the possibility of personal injury, even death. You must fight for your life and you must confront the possibility of death. Still, you will be armed with knowledge about those hazards, and how to either confront them or avoid them. You will also be guided, as I have said, by guides or sages. For a good portion of the time you will be alone and required to make your own decisions, but not without the knowledge as to how to confront them. Okay, so I have to be able to remember what these guides and sages tell me. I have to remember what you tell me to watch out for. What if I cant?
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Christy, the danger must be real or you will not attain your goal. You are going to need to fight for your life, in order complete your quest. It will never be beyond your capacity to accomplish. You will have help, if you are willing to open to it. If, at any time it appears that you are too overwhelmed to continue, you will be rescued. Still, that rescue will not come until it has been proven that you are unable to continue. I wont allow you to die, but I will allow you to confront death. Until you do this, or something like it, you will probably be unable to shift your consciousness out of your pain and fear and away from self-defeating, self-destructive behaviors. Nevertheless, it is your choice. Are you willing to attempt this? So its not like my life will really be in danger? I asked, trying to imagine myself climbing a mountain, populated with wild denizens, never having done anything more dangerous than walking the streets of Phoenix at night. I suppose that was a lot more dangerous than most of the things I have done. A lot of the things I had done in my life had put me in danger and I had survived. Surely, this couldnt be any worse. Yes and no, he replied. We will always be near, and we will attempt to keep you safe. Nevertheless, we will also attempt to place your safety in your command, and thus may not be able to save you if you refuse to follow the directions you are given.
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This is an important component in this process. You must be willing to follow directions and you must learn to depend on yourself for your own survival. Again, it is your decision. I gave it some thought. I knew they wouldnt allow me to die as the result of some stupid mistake. I also knew it was something that I needed to do, for myself, for my future. It was scary, and yet the idea was intriguing, compelling. I decided to give it a try. Okay, I said, part of me feeling I was signing my death warrant, but part of me was excited by the challenge. Wonderful! Said Aranon. So lets begin with the orientation! His smile told it all. He was excited for me, and yet I could see he was afraid for me too.
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Forty-Two
All right, said Aranon, handing me a paper-like booklet. This is your handbook. Keep it safe and always available for it contains everything you will need to know about the area and its wildlife. It also contains photos of plants that you can use for food and medicine. Look through it and then we will begin to go through it a page at a time. I looked through the booklet containing a map, written pages of information, photos of plants and animals, and recipes for preparing wild foods and medicines. It also contained prayers, visualizations, affirmations and meditations. The photos were not
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like the ones on Earth. These were so real you could almost reach out and touch the subjects of them. They were threedimensional, like a Three-D movie, only without the need for special glasses. I guess you could call them holograms. Okay, I acknowledged, as I finished looking through the book. Good, he stated, in a business like tone. I dont expect you to remember all of this, but I hope that when you are in need of something, you will instinctively know what part of the book to open to. The beginning of the book, he said opening his copy is devoted to the wildlife that you need to know about. I opened my book and looked at the first photo. It was an animal I had never seen before and yet it looked familiar. The first animal in the book is the Codger. It was named by Earthers, and resembles a Badger, but its more aggressive and not an animal you want to tangle with. You give it a wide berth and it will leave you alone. Nevertheless, it will also lead you to water and to edible food so you will need to learn to track it. Below its photo are photos of its spore, or tracking signs. The first photo is of its tracks, which as you can see are rather unique. Three toes and a wide pad; remember the configuration. The second photo is of the animal itself. It is usually brown with gray and white markings. Commit that photo to memory, for if you get
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this good a look at it, you are much too close. If you come upon this animal, stand perfectly still. It is blind to you unless you are in motion. It can smell your scent, but because your scent is not part of its list of food sources, it will pay little attention to you unless you present a threat. You can only do that by moving. Make sure that it is completely out of visual and auditory range before you move. Okay, I said, feeling uncomfortable. Will it attack me while I sleep? No, it only attacks that which is in motion. It will probably avoid you while you sleep or if you are still, for it will then see you as its predator. And its predator? Do I need to be afraid of that as well? It has several, but only one you need to be concerned about. The Kretchen. That is a cat. It looks like a cross between a Himalayan Snow Cat and a Mountain Lion. Next page. Oh, I said, what a beautiful cat! It was long and sleek, with brownish tan fur covered with dark spots, short rounded ears with white tufts of fur protruding from them, but a very cat like face, including long translucent whiskers. It had an unusually long tail with dark bands that began at his rump and went all the way to the tip. He was a very unusual and very pretty cat as far as I was concerned.
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Dont let the picture fool you. It is fast and it is deadly. It generally weighs about one hundred and fifty pounds. Its bigger than it looks there. So, what do I do to avoid this kitty cat? You cant avoid it. You will probably encounter one several times during your journey. Again, standing still is the best policy. If it likes your scent, it may mark you and then it may follow you. Dont let this disturb you. If it follows you, it will protect you. You are not a natural enemy and you are not its natural pray. If it follows you, it is drawn to you, and if it is drawn to you, it will protect you and guard you while you sleep. So, can I eventually get it to trust me enough to touch it? It is a very territorial animal, and protects its own scent. If it decides to rub against you, which is another way that cats mark their territory and mates, then it will allow you to touch it. Do not try to touch it if it has not marked you as its own. One swipe from its claws can kill! It will not accept your touch until it has marked you first. Remember these words. Okay, so dont touch till you get touched. Remember that, he said, giving me a concerned look. Okay. I looked at the next page. On that page was a photo of an ugly and scary insect. Beneath it was a graphic measure. My god! It was as big as a Chihuahua! Shit! I said, feeling really
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scared. What kind of havoc can I expect from this critter? Ah, yes, the Molshic. Again, you are not its natural predator, nor do you express any of the signs that it would recognize as prey. Still, if cornered or threatened it will attack and its bite can cause an infection that could be deadly if not treated in time. I have to tell you that is a very narrow window of time. Okay, so I avoid that one, I stated, matter-of-factly. Aranon smiled at me warmly. The next page held the picture of a spider. Not just any spider but a spider that was as big as a German Shepard. Oh my gosh! I cried, terrified by the sight of it. Again, the Nolophan will have no interest in you unless you corner it or attack it. When in doubt, hold still until the creature is gone. Nevertheless, the Nolophan is not adverse to new things and may decide to wrap you up for a future taste test. If you have a Kretchen with you, you will not have to worry about the Nolophan. If not, then the Nolophan never stray far from their nest, so if you continue on for a measure, you will probably leave it and its cousins behind. Its the probably in that sentence that has me worried. Like what if the direction I am going is right toward its nest? I frowned at him, fearful of meeting up with this beast and becoming terror stricken and out of control. Is there anything else I should know?
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Its in the book here, but yes. If you come across this herb bush, pick the herbs and make a necklace or belt from them. If the Nolophan gets close enough to experience your vibration, it will back off. The herbs will repel it. He pointed to a picture of what was, I guess, an herb bush on the next page. Okay, and what if I cant find a bush like that? Pray that the Nolophan doesnt like your scent, and that the first Kretchen you meet does. Cant I just chase it away with a stick or something? Aranon laughed. Not unless you want to peek its curiosity. Can I kill it? Not unless you want the whole nest investigating you. What makes you think I am going to get through this alive? I asked, feeling as though I might not. Because you are special. Gee, thanks, but will that keep me safe? Yes, he responded, his face showing his faith in me. I do or I wouldnt be considering this as an option. Okay, I said not sure whether I was willing to believe him or not just yet. The next few pages dealt with herbs and other plants that could be used as food, or that contained large amounts of fluid. There were also pages about herbs that could be used to heal a
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cut or to cure physical ailments, such as headaches and nausea and a page on remedies for infections and insect bites. The last few pages had to do with the sages, seers and guides I may meet. Most of them were like those little guys that believe I am related to them, but some were of different races, even a few of human looking ones. Now you may or may not meet these fellows. Thats up to them. I am sure you will meet two or three of them, but I cannot say which ones. I can tell you that they will be there to assist you on your journey. They may provide food and shelter. They will definitely leave you with a gift of some kind. It may be a physical gift, or a metaphysical one. How long is this supposed to last? Until you reach your goal, or until you let us know that you are unwilling or unable to continue. It should, under a worse case scenario, take three to four days. Physically, you will be crossing a real mountain. Your goal is to get to the Segundo Dome on the other side of the mountain. When you get there you will have a welcoming party. He gave me that Tom Selleck eyebrow thing again, and again I had to laugh. So I am going to climb this mountain and come down the other side? Exactly. He nodded, grinning.
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Alone? Not exactly. Like I said, you will have the guides and sages, and I will see you at least once a day. But for the most part, we will be leaving you to yourself. Why? So that you can work through your inner conflicts and so you can confront your own demons. How? That will be part of the training. What training? You didnt think we were going to send you out alone to climb a mountain without training, did you? I stared into his smiling eyes, and finally took a breath and then let it out with a sigh. Okay, so you are going to train me in mountain climbing? Have you ever climbed a mountain? A few times. Living in Phoenix, with mountains all around; most kids who grow up there, climb one mountain at least once. Is this mountain like Everest or something? Ah, no not like Everest. Is it rocky? Are there trees? Does it snow year round? What am I facing here? It is rocky in places, and in other areas there are trees.
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There is no snow, as this mountain has a large base, and is not high enough in altitude to have snow at its peak year round. Because it is generally like mid summer here, I dont think you will have to worry about snow. Nevertheless, it is a very rugged area, and on your way up, you will experience a steady incline, but you will not be required to scale cliffs. There is already a pathway that leads from Top Side Dome to Segundo Dome, right over the mountain. It is probably a little overgrown, because it hasnt been used in quite a while, but it is passable, and there are few major hazards. Maybe I need to know about these few major hazards. Okay, the animals I have been discussing with you could be considered a hazard, possibly major. But if you follow the safety procedures that I am going to be teaching you, you shouldnt have to worry. Then there is the cave from which you will have to retrieve the symbol of your personal power. You will have to be careful and creative to accomplish that as well. What is this symbol of my personal power? Thats up to you. You will design it, we will create it and then it will be placed in the cave for you to retrieve. I sat back in my chair and thought about what he was saying. I had read about something like this once. I think it was some sort of Native American ritual. Maybe this could be fun!
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Davy had always wanted to be a pioneer and blaze a trail in the wilderness. I would need Kerry too, as my protector. Ill bet Lynn would be pretty scared, but maybe she would surprise me. Baby Sissy would probably need to hang back on this one. But the majority of us could all use our talents and insights and do this thing together. Maybe that was one of the things that Aranon was counting on. So when do we start the training? I asked, feeling better about this now. We already have! He grinned again and reached across the table and patted my hand. Now, close the book and tell me what a Nolophan is. Its a huge scary spider. I dont know, Aranon. If I saw that thing coming at me, I just dont know what I would do! Im not sure I could keep quiet. Im not sure Sissy or Lynn could keep quiet either, you know? Well, maybe there is a way to assist you with that. Im sure the Meathos can generate an interactive experience that will give you the opportunity to confront the Nolophan on a virtual level, without any real danger. Okay, I said, not sure I would be able to confront this nasty spider, even on a virtual level. What is a Codger?
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Its like a badger but more aggressive, and instead of fur, it has scaly things on it. How do you avoid the danger of this beast? Stand still. I am not its natural enemy and I am not its natural prey, so if I stay still it will go away. What if it doesnt? It will, but you may have to remain still for quite some time, if it is interested in other scents in your area. Like how long? That depends. It shouldnt last for more than an hour. An hour! Jeeze, Aranon. Do you know how long an hour can be when you have to remain totally still? I guess you will need to practice, huh? Im sure the Meathos can help you there too. He smiled sweetly and raised an eyebrow. Are you ready to go outside and see if you can find the herbs in the book? Sure, that would be great! I was spoiled at Remmies, being able to go for walks and stuff. I miss that. Okay, lets go outside then. Take your book. You can also do some practicing with pitching your tent. I get to have a tent? Remember, you have to carry it. You will also have to train walking with a backpack. It is going to weigh about five pounds. I think I can handle that, I said confidently.
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Well see, he winked and got up, indicating for me to come with him. We went into the hallway and began walking, Aranon holding my hand to keep me from being carried away by the throng rushing through it. We went to the rotunda and then through the gate to Top Side. From there we went outside the dome. Aranon stopped at the open airlock and spoke to someone waiting there for him. The young man handed him a backpack. He handed it to me and I put it on. How does that feel? He asked. Are the straps tight enough? I shrugged my shoulders and tugged on the straps to get it a little tighter. Finally, I had it so that it was riding at just the right level to distribute the weight the most evenly on my back and shoulders. I think its just right now, I said. He smiled and led me away from the dome and toward the forest, about a hundred yards from the dome. Open your book and see if you can find the herbs that are pictured there, instructed Aranon. I did as he instructed and within a few minutes I had found each of them. Aranon seemed to beam with pride. You have a knack for this, I see. He said, patting me on the back. Lets walk
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a while longer, I want to see how well you tolerate the pack over a period of time. Are there any Kretchens around here? I asked. Ah, you have a good memory! Describe the Kretchen. Its a cat, and if it likes you it will protect you, but you cant touch it till it marks you. And youd best stand still if it enters your area, for it can attack without warning if you make any moves that it considers aggressive. Yeah, I remember that. It sure is a pretty cat though, I said, grinning. Its possible we might see one, but this close to the dome, they are very wary, so they generally give people a wide berth. Okay, I said, feeling let down. When can I pitch my tent? Soon, said Aranon. Lets walk a little further, just to gauge your stamina. We continued on for some time, following much the same path that we followed when he took me on that picnic. As we walked, our footsteps echoed off the trees and the rocks strewn about. It was igneous rock, which is an indication of volcanic activity. Are we following the path that I will follow? I asked, after a long silence and a time of observing my surroundings.
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Actually, I will be taking you to the base of the mountain in a vehicle, but yes, this path leads into the one that continues on over the mountain to Segundo Dome. So the base of the mountain is, what, five miles away? He looked down at me, a look of amazement on his face. How could you know that? I once visited a volcano in Northern Arizona. The rocks that were ejected from the volcano started about five miles from the actual volcano. I assume then that this mountain was once a volcano, although obviously, not a big one. That means that there will be a lot of growth on the mountain, because volcanic ash is a good medium for organic growth, being high in carbon and nitrates. It also means that there will probably be a bowl at the top, a recessed valley, possibly even a lake I will have to either boat across or walk around. His face was still washed in amazement. I am really impressed, he said. How did you learn this? I was interested in volcanoes for a while. I once subscribed to a magazine that had many different subjects you could choose from and I got stuff about volcanoes. I dont remember everything, but at least I remember that much. The lake is not large. You will skirt it. The path gives the lake a wide berth because the Nolophans like to be near water.
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That doesnt mean you wont meet a stray one, or even two. It just means that you will probably not come upon a nest. Oh gosh! I feel so much better now! I said, rolling my eyes. One is too many! I think that maybe the spider is the symbol of one of your demons. Think about that for a while, okay? I nodded and we kept walking, further and further into the woods. Which of my demons did the spider represent? I thought. Is it sex? Is it fear? Yes, the Nolophans represented my fear. Many legged, like the tentacles of my fear permeating my life. Spiders can kill you; mommy said so. Spiders: the critters that populated my nightmares, biting and paralyzing, locking me inside of a cocoon, unable to struggle, unable to call for help. Spiders: the specter of evil, the evil that lived inside me. This was the evil that wasnt evil, but instead was guilt and shame. It was guilt and shame that held me so tight and would not allow me to feel pleasure without pain, or love without fear. Can I kill a spider? I asked, thinking that in eliminating the symbol of my guilt and shame I could free myself from these demons within me. No, you may not kill unless your life is in danger. You will have a knife. As a matter of fact, it is in the backpack. Nevertheless, it is not your quest to deprive another being of its
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life. Your quest is to confront those beings as the symbols of your demons, and to banish them from your experience with your mind and your will. You know, it would help if I could kill one of them, I said, imagining myself standing over a spider that I had killed. It is against planetary policy to kill any living being except in self defense. I would also caution you against the precipitation of a life and death situation, as this could prove to be fatal for you as well. Think about that, Christy. It is not necessary to kill the symbol to vanquish the demon. What you must do is send the demon away with the being that symbolizes it by following the directions you have been given. But killing it puts an end to it. Killing it makes me victorious! Killing generates karma, vanquishing does not, he countered, stopping to look me in the eyes. There is no karma in refusing to own the demons that plague your life. There is only the cleansing of the karma that brought them to you. You need not kill to obtain dominion over your demons you need only to reject them. Once you reject them they no longer have dominion over you. But you must reject them while in their power, while confronting them, for that rejection to work. You must see, with every fiber of your being, that this demon no longer has power over you. Then, when it leaves you, its power over you goes with
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it. Okay, but I would rather kill it. It was so engrained in my consciousness, from all the fairy tales, from all of the Sagas of heroism, that one must kill their opponent in order to prevail. It seemed to me that just sending it away invited future attacks. I mean, if I just let it go, wont it come back? When you reject a demon, it no longer has the power to return unless you allow it to. Remember, it is always your choice. So, for the rest of my life I have to be on my guard? Why not just kill it and be done with it? I asked, still feeling as though I wouldnt be safe unless it was dead. Because it has brothers and cousins, and killing is never a solution. The only solution is to send it away, with the force of your will, and then to make no space in your life for its return. Look, demons dont care if there is space for them or not! They push their way into your life without your acceptance! The only way to stop them is to destroy them! I said, heatedly. A wives tale. An untruth, he replied, calmly. Demons are invited. They can only enter if you invite them into your space. They are not indigenous to healthy living, to healthy thinking. They use fear and emotional pain as a vehicle through which to invade your life. When you vanquish them, you must vanquish what they represent, namely the fear and the emotional pain. If
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you choose to return to that fear, that emotional pain, then yes, they can creep back in, because you have opened the door to them again. But it will be a choice you make, Christy. It will always be your choice. Okay, so I cant kill a Nolophan. Can you teach me how to send my guilt and shame away when I banish one? I think that is something that you will come to understand on your journey. If you continue to have difficulty with it, ask one of the guides to assist you. Why cant you teach me? Because the outcome will be more powerful for you if you discover it yourself. Dont worry you will be given plenty of clues. Hows that backpack? Is it getting too heavy? No. Im fine with it, but I would like to get back now, or the walk back will be too long. Its going to be a lot longer than this to get where you are going in the next couple of days, you know. I know, but I would be able to sit down and rest anytime I wanted too. I was feeling a little winded, thats for sure. Would you like to sit down and rest before we start back? Yes, I said, panting from the stress of the hike. Golly, was I out of shape! He found a couple of rocks close together and we sat down.
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My feet were buzzing with what felt like electricity, and when I removed the pack, I felt myself sigh from the release of the weight. After you have rested, he said, I would like to see how long it takes you to put up the tent, and if you have any difficulties with it. Then I can take a nap in it, huh? It depends on the time it takes to put it up, He smiled. Have you given your symbol of personal power any more thought? Yes, I said, I even designed it once before, while I was staying at the commune. I grabbed a stick and scratched the graphical representation as I described it. Its made from a quarter inch wide, a twentieth of an inch thick, eight-inch long strip of silver. Its then twisted once and the two ends welded together. This makes a Mobius strip. Then you give it one more twist, and it is a figure eight in the form of a Mobius strip. Then you weld, to the point where the two flat strips cross at the center of the figure eight, two right triangles of silver of the same thickness, the hypotenuse of which would be about three quarters of an inch, points inward, long end on top and vertical on both sides, the points then coming together at the weld point in the center of the figure eight. This then forms the life sign, or the cross. Its really
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pretty, and I made it up myself. I think you have it detailed enough that we can generate it with the synthesizer, he said, smiling and memorizing my crude graphic in the dirt. Well, Ill need a jump link welded on the top so that I can wear it on a chain. Its a necklace. I drew that in as well. Okay, well see what we can do when we get back. Ready to set up your tent? It took me about thirty minutes to set up the tent, but thats because Aranon wouldnt tell me how. He said I had to figure it out for myself. There was a ten foot round base of some sort of heavy material in, probably waterproof. Then there, was what looked liked like plastic wires, about a quarter of an inch in diameter all coiled up in the package. I pulled them out and looked at them. There were ten of them. There were also twenty little sockets with clips on them, and a hub unit that all the plastic wires were probably supposed to be threaded through. I did that and then checked the base for where the sockets were supposed to clip. I found them all and then began the task of snapping the ends of the wires into the sockets. After that I started to clip the sockets to the rings all around the base. It took a while, especially without help, to build the wire dome that would then be covered with the one-piece sleeve that had loops that were to fit into the
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base clips where the wires were anchored. It was difficult to get that sleeve over the top of that six-foot dome when one is only five foot one. Finally, I found an opening in the sleeve, the door no doubt, and was able to open it up enough to get it over the wire frame and anchored in place. I sat back down beside Aranon, huffing and puffing, but admiring my handiwork. Good thing it wasnt raining, remarked Aranon, with a halfway grin. The floor of your tent would have been a swimming pool. Ill get better at it, I said, groaning as I leaned back against the rock and stretched out my legs. After about five minutes of silence, in which I luxuriated in deep relaxation, Aranon gave my shoulder a little shake. Time to take it down now and pack it away, he said. Cant I rest a little longer? I asked feeling exhausted. Nope, part of the training. You need to build some stamina, girl! He shook my shoulder again. Reluctantly I got up and began to tear down the tent. It was a whole lot easier to take it out of its pouch than it was to get it back in. I struggled with getting the plastic wires to coil tightly enough to fit in the pouch. Then I had to refold the dome and the base a couple of times before they would fit. Finally, I had it all back in my pack and was ready for another rest. I sat down next to my
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rock again and leaned back. Dont get comfortable. We have to start back. Said Aranon, gently nudging my leg with his foot. Jeeze, Aranon! Im beat. Let me rest a minute. I whined. Nope, gota start back, it will be getting dark soon. Im glad I will be going on this adventure alone, I grumbled, getting up, feeling little twinges of pain everywhere, from stressed muscles I had rarely used. I followed Aranons lead and began trudging beside him down the path; the pack feeling like it weighed a ton. How soon will I be going on my adventure? I asked, shifting the backpack back and forth, trying to find a comfortable position for it. When I think you are ready, and you are not ready yet. I frowned at him and he laughed. You have only walked a fraction of the distance that you will need to walk each day in order to meet the deadline of three days. Of course we can expand that to four if you like. That may be a better pace for you. Ill get better at this, youll see, I said, concentrating on just plodding along, and trying not to pay attention to all of my aches and pains. Im sure you will, he said, chuckling. If you are nothing else, you are tenacious.
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Forty-Three
The next three days consisted of nothing but training. Hiking into the mountains, putting up the tent, finding herbs, finding edible plants, learning how to start a fire, learning how to prepare food from the wild, and herbs from live plants. Aranon drilled me and drilled me, and then tested me, again and again. By the third day, I was not only keeping up with him, I was running ahead, finding plants and looking for animal spoor.
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On one such jaunt, I found what looked like Kretchen tracks. I alerted Aranon, and he agreed that they were indeed Kretchen tracks. They also look fresh, which means there is a good chance one is nearby, and probably keeping an eye on us at this very moment, he said. Do you think it will show itself? I asked, filled with excitement. If it does it would be a really rare occurrence, he replied, his face a mix of concern and deep thought. This is pretty far down the mountain for Kretchen. I cant even imagine why one would be venturing this far from its natural habitat. Maybe it has come to meet me, and to be my guide and protector, I ventured, more thrilled than frightened. Possibly. And then again, there may be a shortage of food further up the mountain and it has come hunting. That means it could be more dangerous than the ones on the mountain. When a Kretchen is hungry, it will not be as choosy. It might be best if we started back. I want to see it! I said, like a spoiled child. I think I even stamped my foot. If its so dangerous, why are you sending me off alone with nothing but a knife? The fact that it has come this far down the mountain makes
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it more dangerous. You will need to trust me on this. Lets get back now. He turned and started toward the path we had come on and then stopped. Dont move, he said, softly. You are going to get your wish. I watched in awe, as this gorgeous spotted, longhaired cat with white tufted ears ambled toward us, its green eyes shining like emeralds. Its fur was a blond color, almost golden, and its spots and the rings around its tail were copper colored and shown in the late sun like sequins on a field of shining gold. It took my breath away it was so beautiful! Its cry was like that of a mountain lion, but it wasnt a menacing cry, it was just a hello. Beneath that cry I could hear the big cat purring! We stood like statues, as the cat came toward us, sniffing the air, sniffing the ground. Then it stopped and looked at Aranon, and let out this very kittenish meow, and then moved toward me. My heart was pounding, but not so much with fear as with excitement! I have no idea why I wasnt afraid. As I look back on it now I feel as though I should have been. Nevertheless, I made eye contact with the beautiful cat, and kept it until the cat turned its head away to sniff the ground around my feet. Then, just as I had imagined it in a dream, the Kretchen rubbed against me, butting me with his head so hard I almost lost my footing. I reached down and pet it, and it turned its head in my hand,
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indicating where it wanted to be scratched. I scratched it behind its left ear, and its purr grew even louder. Finally, I was able to kneel down beside the cat and pet it like it was a large dog. As I did this, the cat fell to the ground with a thump and turned on its back. I scratched its tummy, and the purr became almost a rhythmic roar. I dont know how long this went on, but several times I looked and Aranon was still standing like a statue, facing away, not even seeing this fantastic kitty cat indulging in my willing attentions. Then, it stood up and looked me in the eye again. It gave another kittenish meow and then with its tail switching, looked around. Its ears turned backward and forward, as it listened to the forest in a way I would never be able to do. Then, suddenly, it darted off into the forest, giving a lonesome cry from a distant location. Its okay, Aranon, I said, its gone now. Are you okay? He asked turning to look at me. I could see a hint of a smile behind his concern. I think he knew exactly what happened, and that this was somehow planned. It marked me Aranon, but then you knew it would, didnt you? I had my suspicions, he grinned. You set this up, didnt you?
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Nope. What happened here happened because of you, not because of anything I did. That was a very friendly kitty, Aranon. It let me scratch its belly. Do you know what that means, Aranon? I was just becoming aware of it myself. It means that it has chosen you as a friend, he smiled. More! It means that it has given me control over it! It not only gave me access to its most vulnerable area, but it purred so loud while I scratched its tummy, that I thought soon we would be hearing the echoes coming back off the mountain! Aranon chuckled. Nothing about you surprises me anymore, he replied, his eyes sparkling with merriment. Actually, I think you set this up. You wanted so much to meet this cat, that you drew one right to you! He chuckled again, as we started back for the path home. Are they psychic? I asked, trying to keep pace with him. Who knows? He said, recognizing my struggle and slowing down a bit. It could bare some looking into. Aw, com-on. You are not going to tell me with all the people working to create and balance this planet that no one has come across this before? I was incredulous. Never. You are the first to pet a Kretchen on more than its head and back. You are the first individual that a Kretchen has
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ever given itself to, as you so aptly described. Once again, Christy, you are unique. He chuckled once again and gave me his Tom Selleck look. I smiled. Why do you think that is? I asked, not knowing the answer within me. Maybe because your soul is native to this planet. The Kretchen is also native to this planet, placed in stasis with those who were left of its once mighty race. Were there any other native animals placed in stasis? A few. The Nolophan was one. How could they have known you would find them and renew their planet? I asked after trying to imagine a race, whose sun was dieing, going into stasis just in case someday, some race would come across their planet and terraform it. I mean what are the chances? Everything in the universe has a vibration. It also has an atomic memory. One of the tests that were done, when we were evaluating this planet, was an atomic memory scan. This in turn alerted us to the fact that there had been a magnificent race that had once lived on this planet. While investigating we found an electronic message device, buried deep inside the planet. When we were able to understand the message, we were faced with the prospect of abandoning this planet. To develop the planet the way
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that we had envisioned would require a great deal of cooperation from this indigenous race before we could proceed with our plans. We were unsure if this race would even comprehend our goal in revitalizing this planet. Then, we discovered how to release individuals from stasis. We released one; you met him. Hes the one who believes you are his child. He told us of his race, and the power of their focus to be found by a benevolent race that sought to assist others. They were more than willing to cooperate with our goal, and even taught us a few things we hadnt even imagined yet. So they actually helped you to restore their planet? Yes. Well that cat sure liked me. I have a feeling I am going to be okay. I am going to make it through this journey and I am going to learn a whole lot on the way. He remained silent, as though he were mulling this over. Im ready, Aranon, I said finally. Im ready to go. Okay, then, he said, without the least bit of hesitation. We will leave in the morning for the Southern Base Camp. There will be a base camp on the Southern base of the mountain until you start down into the volcanos crater valley. Then the base camp will move to the opposite end of the valley, until you get two thirds of the way, and then we will relocate to the Northern base Camp.
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We will always be close, so you wont need to wait too long for help to come if you are injured. How can you know if I am injured? Trust me, we will be able to see you wherever you are. We will also be able to monitor your psychophysical state. The only time we will interfere in what is occurring with you will be if you are injured and in need of emergency assistance. Ill be okay, Aranon. I think I know what my demons are. Okay, what are they? Guilt, shame, fear and death, I replied, solemnly. Ah, he said, smiling at me, thats good! Thats very good! You may be confronted with dreams in which one demon or another will assail you. These dreams are part of this process, and are created by you, and only you. You will probably incorporate symbols into your dreams. They will probably take the form of demons. These symbols will represent what you are afraid of, both real and imagined. You must interpret the symbols in order to vanquish the demons. Still, you will get help along the way from the guides and sages, and of course we will be monitoring you. Any questions? Will I have food in my pack or do I have to forage in order to feed myself? You will have rations for two days. How you use them is
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your decision. Where you will get more depends on fate, which is based upon your choices. You will also have enough water for one day, but there will be many opportunities to replenish that supply, if you are willing or able to take advantage of them. Okay. Fine, I will wake you early, so youd best get a good nights sleep. He smiled and left. A good nights sleep didnt seem to be on my bodies hidden agenda though, and for much of the night I thought about what lay before me. Finally, just before dawn, I fell into a fitful sleep, hearing a kitten struggle against the specter of death from beneath a metal pail. I saw the face of death and it was an old man in an undershirt, and it was my mother. I saw my guilt and shame portrayed in a memory. It was a memory of a time when I abused my cat. I locked the poor thing in the shower and then turned on the water by standing on the toilet and reaching over the shower stall. Poor kitty! It cried and scratched and howled to get out, just like that kitten under the pail. I let it out, sobbing at what I had done. I saw my sexuality as an injured child with a broken doll. She was crying, and there was blood on her nightgown at about crotch level.
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I saw my fear, as a lake of fire, consuming my hopes and dreams. I saw accountability as a great balance, where each individual must bare the weight of their accountability until they can speak and feel their forgiveness toward those who have harmed them. Then, they received a full pardon for their part in their pain, and were released from the wheel of Karma. Christy, said Aranon, gently. Its time to get ready to go. I didnt sleep very well, I complained as I struggled out of bed. Ill see that you get some rest time before you start your journey. But now, we have to outfit you for the journey. Okay, I said, swallowing the bad taste in my mouth. Can I have breakfast? Of course. And then we will go to the clothing repository and find you some clothing. Then we leave for the Southern Base camp. You can sleep on the way. After a breakfast of French toast, my favorite breakfast, Aranon took me to the clothing supply and outfitted me for three to four days in the wild. He told me to pick out thick socks, warm underwear, heavy denim overalls and a long sleeved flannel shirt. He also made me take a jacket and a wide brimmed leather hat that would have had my hippy friends drooling. I already had the hiking boots that Aranon synthesized for me before our hike out to
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that special pick-nick when I met the little grey beings that thought I was their long lost child. Hiking boots have to be snug around the ankles and yet have extra space for the feet and toes. Thats because when you hike for a long distance, your feet swell, and if the foot area is too snug you will develop blisters and corns. So, there needs to be enough room, even with thick socks, to wiggle your toes. It also helps to have a steel reinforced toe, so that if you have to snug your toes into a crack to get your footing, you dont bruise them. Walking on a stubbed toe for any distance can be very painful. Also, the toe chamber needs to be wide enough and tall enough to allow the heat of your foot to become trapped to keep your toes warm in freezing weather, or you could end up with frostbite. Its a good thing those boots were just exactly what I needed. After being outfitted, we went to the rotunda, through the gate and then outside to a vehicle, parked just beside the airlock. I climbed into the passenger side as Aranon spoke to one of the guides by the lock. My backpack was waiting for me on the seat, and it had gained a few pounds since the last time I carried it. I imagined that they had packed more provisions than I had been carrying on my hikes with Aranon during training. Finally, Aranon climbed in and started the engine, or whatever it was that made the thing go. It produced only a quiet hum.
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Once on our way Aranon suggested that I climb into the back and get a nap. It seemed like a good idea, since I had seen the countryside. I had been walking it for days with Aranon. I climbed into the back and pulled my jacket over me and drifted off to sleep. I was awakened by a fast stop that almost tossed me onto the floor. I sat up, my eyes still unfocused. Whats happening? I asked Your cat. Aranon chuckled. I think it wants to make sure you are all right. My cat? I asked, looking out through the windshield at the Kretchen that stood before our vehicle, its emerald eyes glowing fiercely. Should I get out and reassure it? Well, it doesnt look as though it is going to let us go anywhere unless something happens. Are you sure its the same one? I asked, not wanting to step out and find out that this Kretchen didnt like me. I have a feeling it is, but I cant say for sure. Im not sure what to tell you to do. Aranon! You have never been unsure of anything since I met you. I sat there thinking about it. Maybe all the Kretchens would know me if I really was, somewhere inside me, a native of this world. Okay, I said, Im going to open the door and step
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out. Ill be leaving the door open, so if I need to dive in to avoid something I dont really want, I can, and I would hope that you would step on it and get us outa here fast if I do! Somehow, I dont feel afraid of this animal. I can generally sense when there is danger and I dont feel danger from the animal, which is why I think it is your cat, he said, calmly. Okay, I said not really convinced. I opened the door and stepped out, and then moved slowly away from the door to a point where the Kretchen could see me. I then stood still, waiting for some sign that this was indeed the cat I had encountered before. Slowly, the cat inched toward me, sniffing, looking me over. I tried not to show my fear, but my knees were shaking. When it got to within three feet of me I could hear the low rumble of its purr. Well, it could be my cat. Then, it moved toward me all at once, and I held myself perfectly still, my heart pounding. I let my breath out when it knocked its head against my leg. I reached down and pet it and again it fell to the ground and turned its belly to me. I scratched it and its purr was even louder. I suppose I will need to come up with a name for you, huh? I said, softly. It gave a kittenish meow and got to its feet and bounded into the vehicle through the open door before I knew what was happening. I stood there horrified, concerned for Aranon, but the cat just lay on the seat and made itself at home.
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Ah, what should I do now? I asked. Climb in and shut the door, he replied. It looks like we have a hitch hiker. I climbed in, and the cat sat up to make room for me. I sat down beside it and scratched it behind the ear. I shut the door, and it didnt seem perturbed by that. Aranon started the vehicle moving again, and it lay back down, dropping its head in my lap, purring loudly. It smelled like heavy musk, but its fur was soft, like silk. I continued to pet it as Aranon drove. I am going to need to contact base camp and get everyone inside before we arrive, said Aranon, taking some sort of communication device from the dashboard. Base camp, he said, speaking into the device. Base camp, come in. Base camp here, came a voice as crisp and clear as though the individual was in the vehicle with us. We have a bit of an interesting situation, said Aranon, in a quiet voice. We have a Kretchen on board, and will need the camp secure, and everyone inside before we arrive. Excuse me, Aranon? Did I hear you correctly? Said the voice, with an incredulous tone. Can you explain what you mean by We have a Kretchen on board? Its in the vehicle with us, he clarified. It seems to have given itself to Christy. It wants to be with her. Its in the back seat
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with her, purring up a storm while she pets it. Ah, Aranon, you have never been that good at joking around, so I am going to assume that you are not joking, although I find what you are saying more than just a little difficult to believe. The base camp will be secure upon your arrival. Do we need to take any precautionary action beyond that? Personally, I think that the animal will remain tame in her presence, but lets not push it, replied Aranon. Just make sure everyone is inside, Jeff, and have your documentation devices recording this, will you? Without documentation, I dont think anyone is going to believe this. Will do, replied Jeff. I was wondering if he was an Earther, like me. His name was a good indication of that. I guess I should name it, I said, petting the purring cat that was at least as big as a Great Dane, although it probably weighed more. I dont know it if is male or female though with all this fur, and I am afraid to check it out. It may not like me getting that personal. Then give it an androgynous name, he said. That is if you really feel you must name it. Okay, how about Sam. That could be short for Samantha or Samuel. Sounds good to me, he said, chuckling under his breath.
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Whats so funny? I asked, realizing that maybe this was a pretty strange occurrence. Who could have guessed that we would be riding to base camp with a Kretchen, tame as a kitten, cuddled up with you in the back seat? He gave a nervous giggle. You are making history, my dear! This has never occurred with a human, or any other race, since Anchor became a living planet again! But what about the little gray guys? Do they have a close relationship with the Kretchen? Not that I know of, but then they made sure that its genes survived and that it was resurrected along with numerous other plants and animals. For the most part, they have led a fairly secret lifestyle. We have interacted with them since the beginnings of Anchor, but there is still much about them we do not know. I think they sent this one to me to protect me. I think they are aware of a lot more than you think and that with their belief that I am somehow related to them, they may be trying to protect me while I am on this journey. You could very well be right, he replied. At that moment, we pulled into what was probably Base Camp. There were vehicles and domes scattered about. No one was visible as we pulled to a stop. Now, we have to figure out what to do with Sam, while you are given your final orientation.
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I bet I could tell Sam to go wait for me in the forest, and he would do that. I had trouble thinking of him as a she, so I decided Sam was a he. Well, now would be a good time, he replied. I opened the door and stepped out of the vehicle, sliding my self out from under his head. He sat up and looked around and then jumped from the vehicle. He toured the camp, sniffing and investigating, and then came back and sat by my side, like a trained dog. I knelt beside him and told him that I needed to do some things with people for a while, but I would join him in the forest later. I asked him if he would go into the forest and wait for me. He nuzzled me and purred and stayed beside me. Please, Sam, go into the forest and wait for me, I reiterated. I pointed toward the forest. Please, the people here are scared of you. You need to go and wait for me in the forest. Sam looked around and then went toward Aranon, who was standing by the vehicle. Aranon stood still as Sam bumped his head against him gently and purred. Aranon slowly reached down and pet the animal, and it continued to purr. Im not sure I am going to be able to convince him to leave, I said, feeling helpless. Okay, well lets walk toward that dome there and see what happens when we try to enter, he said, moving cautiously in that
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direction. Okay, I said, joining him. Sam fell right in beside me as we walked. When we came to the door, I again told Sam that I would see him soon and to wait for me. He sat down and made a low rumble as we opened the door and started to enter. Just wait for me. Ill be back. Please, Sam. Aranon stepped inside and held the door for me, as Sam sat watching, his emerald eyes wary, his long tail switching back and forth. I entered and Aranon closed the door. A huge sigh went up from the room full of people, apparently mostly Earthers. Then there was a strained silence as Aranon led me to what was established as the front of the room. The room was filled with tables laden with all kinds of audiovisual equipment. This much I understood, having a brother in television broadcasting. Obviously, my every move would be tracked. For the first time since I had agreed to this, I felt really safe in following through with this journey. Between all the tracking of my movements by this team and Sam, I knew I was going to be safe. Okay said Aranon, addressing the stunned men and women in this small room. We are good to go, as your mission control might say. He smiled at the team. I guess you have all come to the conclusion that this is going to be an interesting
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project, and want to thank you all for volunteering to assist. And now, without further ado, I would like to introduce Christy, the subject of our project. I looked out over the group, wondering why so many people were interested in me, and most of them Earthers. Hi! I said, my face filled with embarrassment. At this point twenty or so hands shot up, as the group seemed filled with burning questions. All right, said Aranon, smiling, I am sure you have a lot of questions and I want to answer them as quickly as I can so that we can get down to business here. He nodded at an individual in the front, waving her hand excitedly. Ruth? Whats your question? Christy? Have you ever been able to communicate with wild animals before your transfer here? Asked Ruth, a slim woman of about thirty, with red hair and freckles. No, I said. I have been able to get close to dogs that everyone else was scared of though, and I have always seemed to have a knack with animals. All right, said Aranon, impatient with the hands that were waving, waiting their turn. This is not the time to try to figure out why a Kretchen has taken to Christy. She is about to embark on an odyssey, which we are here to track and coordinate. Rest assured, the animal has totally given itself to her, and appears
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almost domesticated while in her presence. It seemed to recognize that I was there to protect her as well, so he also marked me, accepting me as part of her environment. It is probably waiting outside the door for her at this moment. Yes, this is unusual. Yes, this is the first documented case where a Kretchen actually entered a vehicle, almost as a domestic pet, and allowed its self to be transported without incident. Nevertheless, this is not our focus right now. Our focus is to prepare Christy for her journey. Are we all on the same page here? Immediately, most of the hands went down. John, said Aranon, nodding to a man in the middle of the group, what is your question? In view of this recent development, said John, nodding at me, Will we still be doing as close a surveillance as originally planned? Thank you John for letting that cat out of the bag. Said Aranon, frowning, and a nervous laugh traversed the assembled group. No, pun intended, he remarked. In view of this recent development, we will be doing mostly sat-com and aerial surveillance. It appears that at least one of this planets native inhabitants has taken on the burden of protecting her while she is on her journey. More hands shot up and Aranon again looked frustrated. He nodded to a woman near the back. Jeannie, what
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is your question? Aside from those who were assigned to the close surveillance teams, will our schedules still remain the same? Yes, he stated. Now, unless someone else has a question pertinent to the project as it stands, lets do what we need to do now to get Christy ready for this journey. Everyone dropped their hands and, one by one, began focusing on their part in this exercise. Good, he said, breathing a sigh of relief. Jeff, Angie, will you join Christy and I in the back of the room. Aranon guided me to a small table in the back of the room and pulled a chair out for me. I sat. Soon a woman and a man joined us. The man took a sphygmomanometer from a bag and placed it on my arm and began pumping it up to check my blood pressure. The woman stuck a thermometer in my mouth. After taking my blood pressure the man took a syringe from his bag and a plastic tube. I knew what that meant. He was going to take a blood test. I wondered at the primitive process, when Aranon had a much more sophisticated means of testing my vitals and my chemistry. I recoiled from the syringe. Its all right Christy, they need to do this their way. Just relax. No harm will come to you. Said Aranon, gently. I dont like needles! I said, feeling afraid. At this point my friend, Sam growled loudly and his body thumped against the
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door to the dome. Forget the blood test, Jeff, instructed Aranon, softly, putting his hand out to stop him from sticking me and the man released the tourniquet he had placed around my arm and dropped the syringe and vial back into the bag. I breathed a sigh of relief and Sam made no further attempts to break into the dome. Her vitals are within the normal range, stated Angie after listening to my heart. Are you aware of any physiological problems that might be a cause for concern? Asked Jeff, checking my eyes with a little flashlight. Nothing that I am sure you dont know about, I replied, still feeling a little uncomfortable with Jeffs demeanor. Okay, he said, backing off and taking a seat at the table. Do you have your backpack? Its in the vehicle, I said. I was sort of busy with Sam when we arrived and forgot to get it. I have it, said Aranon, plopping it down at my feet. I grabbed it as I was leaving the vehicle. Good! Said Jeff, smiling warmly. Okay, I need you to open it now and go through its contents with me. I pulled open the backpack and began pulling things from it and putting them on the table beside me. When everything was
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on the table he smiled and nodded. He grabbed a package and held it up. This is a meal ration, he said. Then he reached across the table to my pile and pulled something from its midst. This is what you will prepare it in. It is, for all due intents and purposes, a mini microwave. I had never heard the term before, so it just went over my head. I didnt have a clue, then, what a microwave was. He opened the plastic box-like object. You will place the contents of the ration in here, he said, pulling what appeared to be a square, clear plastic bowl from a box from amongst the contents laid out on the table. Then, you will insert the serving dish and its contents into the mini microwave, close it, and then press this button. He turned the closed box so that I could see a small red button on its side. When you press the button, it will light up. When the light goes off, you will then open it, carefully, as the contents will be hot. Remove the serving dish, and allow it to cool for about a minute. Then you can eat it. Do you have any questions? Yeah, I said. What is a microwave and how long do the batteries last? Ah, wait a few years and you will know what a microwave is. Nevertheless, since you are intelligent I will give you a clue. What happens when you excite molecules way beyond their normal
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state of expression? Well, I said, thinking back to what I had studied about physics. I guess that would result in increased heat. Exactly, he replied. It doesnt have batteries like you are used to. It has a power supply that may last for as long as a year. We havent had an opportunity to test it beyond that. He gave me a quick smile. He then picked up another package. This package is filled with fresh fruit, which you can eat without heating. In fact, any of the food packages can be eaten without the need to heat them, but we included the heater, the mini microwave, so that you could have hot food on cold nights. Thanks, I said. I guess thats what has added the extra weight to my pack. So, do I still make a fire? That would probably be a good idea. Fire will help to protect you from Nolophans and other animals which may or may not be a problem while your Kretchen is with you. Can I have some matches? I asked. Im not very good at starting a fire from scratch. All you get is what is in the pack. As Far as I can see, no matches were included. Without further comment on the subject, he reached over and pulled another package from the mix. This is a medikit. It contains several things you should know about. He pulled the package open and began to remove things from it.
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Most of this you know about, like bandages, an antibiotic cream, an inflatable arm splint, an inflatable leg splint, two pressure syringes, one containing antibiotics, and one containing an antihistamine called epinephrine, in case of an acute allergic reaction. Do you know the signs of an acute allergic reaction? No, I said, feeling not only overwhelmed by all of this, but also certain that I would remember none of it when the chips were down. Difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, hives over a major portion of your body, itching, swelling and burning of your face, hands or feet, or all of them at once. An allergic reaction is something that needs to be treated as soon as you are aware of it, as it can be fatal if not treated in time. Okay, I replied, giving Aranon a frightened look. Its just a precaution, Christy. You may not need it at all, but then it is better to be safe than sorry, right? He said, diplomatically. Okay, I replied, swallowing hard, wondering what I was getting into here. Finally, said Jeff, reaching over and pulling another package from the mix, this is the personal care pack. In here are clean clothes to use when needed, and four packages of multivitamins, to be taken daily. This will assist you in maintaining your
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stamina and to protect you from becoming too physically depleted if you should miss a meal. Okay, I said, realizing that I now had to repack the backpack. I began placing things back in the pack, one at a time. Are you presently having a period? Asked Angie, leaning in to whisper this in my ear. No, I whispered. Do you expect your period within the next four days? I dont know, I replied, honestly. I had lost all track of time and knew I had yet to have one while I had been here. Are you presently experiencing any bloating or cramps? She asked. No, I replied, now frightened that I may have one while on this trip. What if I do get it on the trip? I see nothing to deal with it. I think I should check you out just to make sure, she said. She reached her hand out for me to take, and I looked at Aranon. He nodded and I got up, took her hand and allowed her to lead me into a screened off area that contained an examination table complete with stirrups. As soon as I saw it my heart began to pound, and I felt sweat seep from the pores of my face and underarms. My fear halted me, and I looked back hoping to catch Aranons eye, but he was speaking to Jeff, his back turned to me.
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No! I said, emphatically, pulling away from her. Its okay, Christy. Its just you, and me and I am not going to harm you in any way. All I want to do is make sure you are not going to be dealing with a period on top of everything else, okay? She stood, waiting patiently, not making any moves as she awaited my response. I cant do this, I said. Its too scary. I began to move back toward the opening to the cubicle. Would it help if I asked Aranon to be here with you? He can calm you and make it a lot easier. No! I said. Just give me some pads and some tampons and let me go. No, Christy, we cant let you go if you are about to have your period. We will have to expurgate it if that is the case. Aranon! I cried feeling frightened. Within seconds he was at the opening to the cubical. How are we doing? He asked, smiling. I cant do this, I said, shaking uncontrollably. Okay, he said, moving to my side. But we need to get this taken care of, so I will just give you a little assist. He reached out and touched my forehead before I was aware he was even going to and everything just faded to black. When I awoke, I was laying on the examination table,
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covered with a sheet. I turned and saw Aranon, standing beside me. Feeling better? He asked. I was fine to start with, I said angrily. I heard Sam snarl loudly just outside the dome. The sound was bone chilling. I think Sam wants me outa here as much as I do. You can get dressed now, he said, patting my arm and then leaving the small room. I found my clothes piled on a chair next to the examination table. I dressed hurriedly; glad to be past whatever was done to me. As I emerged from the small room, Aranon was waiting, holding my jacket and my backpack. Youre ready to go, he said, giving me a winning smile and a wink. Just one last thing. He put down the pack and jacket and knelt down in front of me. Then, he drew me into a warm hug, holding me as my heart skipped a beat. I will see you tonight. Take your time, and allow yourself to rest as often as you need to. Your first stop on this trek are the caves where you will search for and retrieve your symbol of personal power. Once you have found it, you will be guided out of the caves and back on the path. Be careful and allow your heart and your special friend, Sam, to take care of you. I will, I said, glad to be finally almost on my way.
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Here is your handbook and the map you will be following. Keep them safe, for they will see you through this. He handed me the map and the book and I slid the book into my pack and folded the map and put it in the back pocket of my jeans. I will, I said. Do I get a compass? You have Sam. Hes better than a compass, which probably wouldnt work the same here anyway. Follow the map. The path is not hard to follow, but you may loose it for a time in the overgrowth. Just remember, the suns rise in the East and set in the West, just like on Earth, but they are also slightly North of this area, so they will always cast a shadow, even at their zenith. You will be traveling North, most of the time, with a little jog to the east and then back West, as you skirt the lake in the volcanic valley at the top of the mountain. Eat when you are hungry, rest when you are tired, and stay close to Sam, although I am certain you will have little choice about that. Okay, I said, feeling at a loss for words. I gave him an extra hug and kissed him on his cheek. Ill be fine, I added, smiling at him. I picked up the pack and the jacket. I have no doubt, he chuckled, getting up. He led me through the command center, which is what it looked like to me, and then to the door. Sams waiting for you. He smiled. I opened the door and joined Sam, who butted his head into my leg so hard
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I almost fell over, again. Okay, Sam, I said, giving him a quick scratch behind his ear, as I reached into my back pocket and retrieved the map. I saw the base camp on the map, and the path as it picked up just past the edge of the forest. I started in that direction, with Sam at my side. I felt like Sheena of the jungle as he padded along beside me. I smiled to myself. Were on our own now, Sam. Together, we entered the thick forest. I tied my jacket around my waist by the sleeves, adjusted my pack and plodded forward, afraid, but not too afraid, excited to be finally on my way.
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I walked into the forest with Sam at my side, checking the map periodically as I walked. According to the map, the cave in which I would need to search for my symbol of personal power was less than a days walk. That was my first objective. I walked quite a ways into the forest before I decided to sit down and rest and take a drink. The birds were singing and the sun slanted onto the path dappling it with patches of dancing, golden light. The trees were tall and green and I felt as though I could close my eyes and imagine myself in the wilds of Colorado. After my rest and drink, I started out again, and Sam was ranging now, sometimes off to the side or yards ahead of me,
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checking out scents and sounds or something. Then, at a turn in the path, I was suddenly walking toward a person. He was one of the Gray people wrapped in a robe made of rags, a hood over his head. He held up his hand in the universal signal for stop. Where are you going? He asked, his large eyes blinking slowly. I am on a vision quest, I replied. What do you seek? I seek to release my shame, guilt and fear. Come to my dwelling. He said curtly, and then turned and led me through the forest to a hovel made of rocks and stones. There must have been a flu pipe or hole in the top of the dwelling, because I saw smoke wafting from it. The door was some sort of heavy thatched material, which he folded aside and held, so that I could enter. I had to duck to get through the door. I got a feeling for what it was like to be Aranon in surroundings made for little people. Inside of the dwelling it was warm and well lit. In the center of the single circular room was a circular hearth, within a circular metal framework that went all the way to the sealing and may have even provided the load bearing structure around which the entire dome was built. It appeared to be made of brass and was highly polished, parts of the fixture reflecting light around the
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room. I approached this central focus of the room and looked into the circular fire pit. Either the fire was fed by the introduction of gas into the bottom of the pit, or it was just fire, consuming nothing but oxygen, trapped there inside the cage that surrounded the pit. Above the caged fire pit was a grating, on which stood a copper colored teapot just coming to boil. The little gray being took the teapot off the grating and went to a table, where two earthen cups sat before two rustic chairs. Come, he said, after such a long silence. Sit, share a pot of tea with me. I went to the table and pulled out a small chair and seated myself as he filled the cup in front of me. I say he here, because there was no way for me to know if this being was male or female and I, like most people raised in Earths twentieth century, lapse into using the chauvinistic he when unable to determine gender. He pored a cup for himself and then took the teapot back to the hearth and hung it on a hook above the grating to keep it warm. What is it you are guilty of? Asked the little gray being, after sitting down before his cup and taking it in both hands. I am guilty of going against Gods law in many lifetimes including this one. I said, trying to get my knees under the table. I felt uncomfortable, not because of the small table and chair, but because, as I saw it, my crimes were innumerable.
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What is past has probably already come back to you, for you are an old soul indeed. As he spoke to me his eyes sparkled and danced with the light from the hearth. What is it that you did in this life that is against the laws of The Greater Life? He blinked, and I could see my reflection in his huge almond shaped eyes. I looked haunted. I abused myself and also pressed others to abuse me by my behavior. This was as honest as I was prepared to get. How did you do this? He asked, sipping from his cup. How have you abused yourself and caused others to abuse you? Nearly all of my life I have behaved sexually inappropriately. I began to feel overly warm. I wriggled in my chair, anxiously. What is appropriate sexual behavior? He asked. How did you deviate from this appropriateness? It is inappropriate in my race to seek sexual gratification when you are a child under a certain age. I sought sexual gratification from others before I was even three years of age. I displayed promiscuous behavior and drew abuse to my body from individuals who were, themselves injured and weak. Back then I didnt know that I was doing this, or that what I was doing was wrong. I only sought gratification, because I had come to need it. Now that I am an adult and understand what I was doing, I feel
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guilty and ashamed. If you didnt know then that this was an affront to your gods law, then why should you feel guilt and shame now? Because when I was told that it was wrong, that it was bad, I didnt stop. I kept seeking this gratification; I kept manipulating people to accommodate my needs and in the process drew physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I am the cause of my own illness, my emotional pain! All my problems, all my pain is the result of my own behavior. I did this to myself and in previous lives I did it to others, which karmicly adds up to the same thing! Can you explain why the need for sexual gratification is against your Gods law? If you were created, by your god, to experience gratification in this way, why is it wrong? Because it is socially wrong for a child to want this. Because it is considered sinful, something God does not approve of. Why would this god create you to have the capacity to experience this gratification at an early age, before understanding is complete, and then become angry and vengeful when you discover this gratifying experience at such an early age and seek to repeat it? It would appear to me that this gods laws are also inappropriate. Tell me about this god so that I can understand such an impropriety. God is the Creator, the ruler of the universe. He sent His
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only Son to save us from our sin. He gave us the Ten Commandments. He loves us, but only if we follow those Ten Commandments. He doesnt want us to have sex outside of marriage. Its a sin to have sex outside of marriage. That sin is an affront against God. For sinning in this way we will have to spend eternity in a lake of fire, being burned forever, never again to be free of the fire! How could a god that you say loves you do this to you? How could he want to punish you forever, so terribly, so painfully, for seeking something that you didnt know was wrong? He blinked again, and a tiny tear slid from the corner of his eye. But when I learned it was wrong, I kept doing it. You see? I said, trying to resolve the dilemma with responses that I had learned in parochial school. Again, how could a god that loves you consign you to an eternity of terror and pain for a pattern of behavior that was developed before the age of understanding? I dont know, I responded, feeling desperate and confused. All I know is that because I didnt stop doing it, after I learned it was wrong, I will probably wind up in hell. Thats the name of the place where the fire burns you forever. The word you used, probably, indicates that there is a means, an option through which you can avoid this terrible thing.
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Well, there is, I replied, but it probably wont work for me. What is this option and why is it that it probably wont work for you? Because I have to take Jesus as my Savior and Lord, so that He can wash away my sin with the blood of His Sacrifice. And why is it that you are unable to do this? I did do it! I did it several times in church! I went down the isle and professed my faith in Jesus, and then couldnt stop drawing this perversion into my life. I kept acting inappropriately, I kept drawing sexually abusive people into my life, and Jesus didnt help me, he didnt teach me how to stop behaving that way, he didnt seem to even care about me, he just let it happen, over and over! He was supposed to have washed away my sins, but I still felt sinful. He was supposed to have guided me into become a better person, into doing the right things, but either I didnt listen or he didnt even try! It didnt work for me! Jesus turned his back on me. I realize now that I had it coming because of my past lives, but Jesus was supposed to wash all that away. It didnt work for me. Maybe my sinfulness is beyond his ability to forgive or to heal me. May I offer you my God, my concept of the Source Of All Being? What would be the good of that? I asked, confused. If my
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God doesnt love me, why would your God be any different? My God does not condemn its Creation, for in doing so my God would be condemning Itself, Its wisdom, and Its judgment. My God is Its Creation, thus It cannot condemn any part of Its Creation without condemning Itself, as The Creator. My Gods Creation has no sin, for Its Creator has no sin. All are innocent in Its eyes. My God created no fire in which to torture sinners, for my God created no sinners. My God created only challenges, based upon the freedom to choose our own path. Yes, the challenges we face are of our own doing, based upon our own choices and yet, we are not punished for those choices, we are only constrained to abide within the natural consequences of them. When we find ourselves in a constant whirl of consequences, we have only but to choose another path to assuage our discomfort. We have only to admit our culpability and make recompense to those we have injured to end the cycle of reciprocity. I offer you this God, and submit that you are my Gods child. I sat there for a moment, spellbound with the feelings and the images that this little gray being was transmitting to me on a level that I was just becoming aware of. I found myself standing in the presence of a Great Being that radiated love and light. That being smiled and nodded at me and I could feel incredible love and acceptance in that smile. It was an amorphous being, and yet
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it had expressions, like its smile and its eyes, that could see right through me, into every nook and cranny of my being, and yet it remained accepting, lovingly connected to my capacity to perceive its gaze. Then this amorphous being coalesced into what appeared to be the form of Jesus. At least it was the most common representation of Jesus; white male, Caucasian with blondish hair and blue eyes. He smiled at me, raising his arms and welcoming me into his embrace. I was drawn to him. I couldnt help it. He stood there beckoning to me, his arms open, waiting to embrace me, radiating love and acceptance and I couldnt resist. I went to him and he enveloped me in his arms. His embrace was warm but not smothering, comfortable but not sexually stimulating. I felt validated, accepted, loved. I didnt hesitate to ask him my most burning question, though. Why didnt you save me from those men who hurt me? Why didnt you lift me out of my pain? Because that is not what I came to do, he replied. My mission was to present Humanity with a way of thinking and living that would set them free from the bondage of their distorted traditions. My death was a symbolic act, representing the deaths of all Humanity, where I descended into Hell, experienced the torment there, and then ascended into Heaven. My goal was to
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break the hold of Humanitys childish concepts of sin and damnation, by fulfilling that for them, for all of them, encompassing both past and future. My symbolic actions were to assist men in coming into a greater enlightenment where love is the Greatest Law, and cherishing one another as one would themselves would take precedence over the Old Testament Law of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Where the realization that all are made in Gods Image and Likeness would take precedence over prejudice, bigotry and the need to dominate one another. Nevertheless, the race of Man is very stubborn and continues to hold to those concepts and beliefs that erode his connection to the Source Of all Being, and that degrade his very existence. So, in essence I said, angrily, we are at the mercy of our own choices and there is nothing you can do? I can love you. I can attempt to communicate with you, and attempt to assist you in making your own personal connection with The Source Of All Being, but I cannot force, coerce or manipulate you into doing so. For only when it is your own personal choice is it healing. Only when you make the shift, within yourself, willingly, can the miracle occur. But I was willing! I gave myself to you, willingly! I wanted you to guide and protect me, but you didnt!
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It is not I that you must give yourself to, but rather to a way of life and a way of thinking that has the power to transform your life. You must give yourself over to the flow of life as it comes from The Source Of All Being. I know that you have now opened to that possibility and that you are now on that path. So, I again offer you the gift that I gave all Humanity on the day of my death. Take forgiveness and absolution as my gift to you, now. Release your guilt and your shame, and embrace my symbolic act, so that these perceived wrongs can now be erased from the Heart of Your Soul. Take my forgiveness and make it yours. Take my love and make it yours. Take the pattern of my life and make it yours I will send my angels to protect you as you walk your path toward enlightenment. So, what are you saying? I asked, feeling the possibility of escaping from the terrors of hell, from the horror of death, and from my fear of life and love, and of trusting another human being. That I no longer have to worry about going to Hell? Are you saying that I dont have to be afraid of God and his wrath? The Source Of All Being has no wrath, he replied, sadly. Humanity had wrath, hatred and bigotry, and so they assigned these qualities to their god, in an effort to legitimize them. I have said many times, that I came to bring a new law and a new covenant. Love The Source Of All Being, with all your heart and
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soul and mind, and love all beings you encounter, as you love yourself. The Source and I are one and you also are one with The Source, in love, in like-mindedness, if you but keep this covenant. I accept you as my Sister On The Path, and I will guide you and protect you, as this is the responsibility of an Elder Brother. You have but only to open to me, to my thoughts, to my vision, to my love. But why did you abandon me to my pain and fear? I asked, once again unwilling to accept his love, when it had never made a difference in the past, except to make my life even more unbearable! I didnt. I was there. I know that my love assisted you in surviving, for you petitioned me for it. The truth is, your distorted beliefs would not allow you to accept my presence, or my Love. I know that my light guided you to those who could assist you. I have been there beside you, all the way, waiting for you to see me. Waiting for you to recognize who I really am, and to see yourself for what you truly are, beyond what your distorted beliefs have painted you. What am I really? I asked, still balking, still feeling the old barriers going up. You are a child of The Source Of All Being. You are the perfect reflection of a thought expressed by the consciousness of
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The Source Of All Being. You are the embodiment of its love and Its compassion, colored with the uniqueness of your own personal experience. One day soon you will be a voice, crying in the wilderness, pleading for Humanity to awaken from their selfgenerated nightmare, before they loose the capacity to actuate their noblest dreams. You will be the voice of reason and hope. You will teach many that the old ways dont work. You will teach many a new way, and I will guide you, and others, like me will guide you as well. I am not the only one who seeks to assist the Race of Man. Any one of those Others could have appeared here in this special vision. Suddenly, he began to appear as other individuals, like an Arab man, a pudgy Chinese man, an Asian man, like from Tibet, and many others, some of whom werent even human. There are many Elder Brothers whose paths differ somewhat from mine and yet they all have viewpoints and processes that can lend dimension and power to your spirituality, if you will open to them. We are each of different paths, and yet all our paths lead to the One Mind, to the Heart of Love, and to the Soul of Creation. Our beliefs may be shaped by our experiences, but The Source Of All Being shapes our hearts and souls for we have opened to that process by practicing Love, Charity and Forgiveness. Today, you are an initiate on the path of Love. Today, you are my beloved
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sister. I stood there, while he placed His hand on my shoulder, befuddled and yet beginning to awaken. Finally, after a series of powerful visions, I looked at him and saw the love, and felt the love, and then finally returned the love. I stepped forward and embraced him fully, throwing my arms around his neck, laying my head on his shoulder, tears flowing from my eyes. Jesus did love me! He did and he does! I just needed to awaken to his love. I just needed to accept his gift and dump all that guilt, shame and fear. I just needed to realize that he had been there all along, but my experience had warped my perceptions. My guilt, my shame and my fear had acted like a force field, insolating me from his love and the power of that love to change the direction of my life. It was my guilt, shame and fear that had been cutting me off from the power of Life that flows from The Source Of All Being. I had been wrapped in its cocoon, slowly decaying, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It was my anger and my need to blame others that kept that cocoon in place. I released all of my shame, all of my guilt, all of my pain, all of my hate and all of my anger. I just let it go, like an old coat that I allowed to just drop to the ground by my feet. For a moment, as I stood there embracing him, sobbing on his shoulder, I felt empty, lost, and deeply sorrowful. Then, a light began to fill me and I felt
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a joy I had never known before, filling my heart. Now I knew what saved meant. It meant emerging from that cocoon of guilt and shame, of anger and fear and allowing it to fall away, so that we can identify with our spiritual self, so that we can finally stand in the light of love and merge with it. Thank you. I said, my heart full of love and light. Thank you for guiding me to this point. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for the gift of forgiveness that not only frees me from the wheel of karma, but also from the oppression of my guilt and shame. Thank you also for the capacity to forgive. I regret turning away from you in my confusion, but I am grateful that you never turned away from me. Forgiveness, he said, is the gift that you give yourself when you release your distorted perceptions of sin and damnation. That forgiveness will always come from within you. It is the gift of love expressed, unconditionally and the willingness to release the darkness of the past and embrace the Truth that all beings are divine, even when they have forgotten this Truth. Even when, in their ignorance, they choose to express the darkness of hatred and seperativeness. I truly felt that forgiveness within me as I envisioned the divinity of all, even myself. Suddenly, I saw that Divine Light emanating from within all things, all people, as he held me,
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rubbing my back and smoothing his hand down my hair. Finally, I stood back and smiled at Him. He smiled back and his smile was one of total acceptance. I released Him and took another step back, and then suddenly I was sitting in the chair across the table from the little gray Sage. He sat sipping his tea, blinking slowly, studying me. You see, he said, its all a matter of perspective. Yes, I replied, it is. For a long time we just sat there, sipping our tea and just being in each others company. Then, once we had both drained our cups, he got up, gathered the cups and put them in a wooden bucket and then picked up my pack and handed it to me. Time to discover your destiny, he said. I will return you to the path, and your new friend, Sam. He has powers and qualities you have yet to discover. Be mindful of his guidance, and secure in his protection. So, Sams a boy? I asked. Yes, he replied, as he held the door flap for me and then joined me out in the even more brilliant sun of noonday, for both suns shown at the zenith, an occurrence that is unusual and yet happens with minimal regularity. He led me back to the path as my eyes adjusted to the suns glare, and then bid me farewell.
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Forty-Five
As I walked along the path, my mind was still in a whirl over the vision of Jesus and how I had stepped right into it and participated when the whole concept of Jesus had been unsettling for me since my early childhood. My philosophy did not deny Jesus roll in the development of Christianity, but my personal focus was not on Jesus, but rather on a more metaphysical, more ecumenical viewpoint. I believed in God, and I believed in the concept of the Christ, which I considered to be an enlightened consciousness that descends upon any individual who has overcome the challenges necessary to achieve it. Sam rubbed his head against me and I knelt down to scratch him under his chin. He purred loudly, periodically batting his head
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against me. Sorry I havent been paying enough attention to you Sam. I said apologetically. I gave him a good rub down, and then took a drink and started again down the path. Again, my mind went back to the vision. Why would I have that vision? I mean its like some of the visions that I had heard of while attending a Pentecostal church as a teenager. But there were some subtle differences. It all began with a vision of God, the little gray sages vision of God. Interestingly enough, I am not unsettled by that part. I actually felt accepted and acceptable. But then suddenly, there stood Jesus, looking like one of those paintings done by English and German artists back during the Reformation, where he was depicted as being blond and blue eyed. This was also the way Jesus was depicted in my Sunday school literature when I was a child. Again Sam butted his head into my thigh. I stopped once again and gave him a scratch. We arent gonna make very good time if I have to keep doing this every few hundred feet, Sam. I said, looking around us. Maybe he was sensing something. I was told to pay attention to him. Is something bugging you, Sam? The cat made eye contact with me and made a strange sound way down at the bottom of his throat. Again I looked around us, but saw nothing. I gave Sam a pat on the head and then started down the path again. I went about four feet when
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Sam let out a blood curdling cry. I didnt know what to do, so I just stood still. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw it. A Nolophan came rushing toward Sam, but Sam was ready for it. He extended his claws, long razor sharp claws, which he used to swipe at the Nolophan. The Nolophan rose up on its back legs, exposing fangs dripping with venom. Again, Sam growled and swiped at the giant spider, ripping into the exoskeleton on its underbelly, drawing a greenish blood that oozed from the gash. It would seem that these spiders are not driven by self preservation, for even as its life fluid drained from its belly, it continued to attack Sam, who in turn continued to rip into it with his claws. After about ten minutes of this, Sam had effectively sliced several of its legs off and the beast was no longer able to attack. Sam howled once more, gave the struggling arachnid a nonchalant sniff and then ambled over to me and butted my leg. Die, you demon, die! I said to the spider as it gave its last convulsive struggle to attack and then lay still. Go away and never return to me! I was glad that Sam had killed the thing. I was glad that I was able to watch the symbol of my demons die. I gave Sam a really good scratch and a big hug before we once again started down the path. After a few minutes of walking, my mind again returned to
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the vision of Jesus, trying to understand it, trying to decipher what it was really telling me. Did I see Jesus because he is the symbol of my religious upbringing? Then suddenly, it hit me. Flashbacks began to assail me, as I was taken back to Mr. Eddys bedroom, to the words he spoke to me as he was abusing me. Jesus will be watching you. If you sin, if you ever let another touch you in this way, Jesus will know. On the last day he will judge you and you will be thrown into the lake of fire! And then, my child eyes looked up and saw the Crucifix, and the painting of Jesus in Gethsemane. I saw Jesus, with long blond hair and a sky blue robe, just as he appeared to me in the vision. So, this is where my guilt and shame were born, in Mr. Eddys bedroom. This is also where my fear of hell and the lake of fire began. This is where my fear of Jesus came from and the sense that he was just watching me, and didnt really care, because I was a sinner. So Jesus appeared to me, in response to the root cause of my shame and guilt. He was all that symbolized my pain and fear, my guilt and shame. Maybe, the sage saw this and produced the vision to assist me in releasing my guilt and shame. Maybe he saw this as the key to my dilemma. Or, maybe I created the vision myself. I was starting to get tired, so I found a rock beside the path and sat down and fished my canteen out of my pack. I also
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retrieved a package of hard tack, like a granola bar, from the pack as well. I unwrapped it and bit into it. It wasnt too bad, having a fruity flavor. It took a long time to chew though. As I chewed on the bar, I also chewed on the vision, still trying to put it into perspective. When I had asked Jesus why he did not save me from the abuse and the pain of my childhood he replied that it wasnt what he came to do. And yet, all of the religious stories, all of the folklore surrounding Jesus said that he was capable of working miracles for those who had enough faith. All the ministers would preach that if you put all your faith in Jesus, He would heal you. It never happened for me. All I ever seemed to end up with was deeper pain, more shame and yet another abuser. I didnt know that my behavior was provocative. I didnt know that behaving like a wounded animal drew predators who diligently sought out the weak and the injured. I didnt know why I needed and needed more and more attention, more and more nurturing; I was the epitome of neediness, and the perfect target for a sexual predator. I didnt know that either. So I went from church to church looking for assistance with my pain and fear, and I drew one minister after another with a hidden sexual agenda. Most of them never consummated their fantasies with the actual act, but the line
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between that and what they actually did was very thin. Finally, unable to cope with my neediness, and coming to believe that maybe Christianity was not the answer, I moved on to other faiths, other philosophies that spoke of self awareness and personal responsibility and a greater power that you can tap into with your mind and spirit. These seemed to have a more rational approach than fundamental Christianity. These also seemed to communicate a greater understanding of love, which I had come to believe, was energy, not emotion. It was in the metaphysical churches that I found a place where I could be myself and gain understanding. I wasnt as needy when I meditated and participated in study groups. I was learning a little more about what life was all about, and from my present perspective what I was learning seemed to be based in a more rational perspective. I was very happy to allow Jesus his position as an Avatar, a great Prophet who came to bring a message to Humanity. I recognized His message contained certain truths, and yet so did Buddhas, Mohameds, Krishnas and a host of others. I saw him as one of many. Then, I thought back to what the Jesus in my vision had said about there being other Elder Brothers whose varying viewpoints could broaden and deepen my spiritual experience. I remember him changing into each of the great Avatars that I knew of and
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some I did not. It was like he was sanctioning, validating my choice of a different path from that of his followers. I remembered him saying to me that it was not him I needed to give myself to, but rather to a way of life, a way of thinking that would transform my life. In truth, that is what I had done and how I had come to be here on Anchor. What Id been doing was working and I was becoming more and more aware of what I had been doing to cause my own difficulties. But my fear and pain, my guilt and shame came from another time, when I was taught to believe other things. A time when I was told about Gods wrath, a time when this had power over me, spurring me into achieving, or attempting to achieve a way through which to deflect Gods wrath, and through which I might endear myself to Him. But it never worked. His wrath still hung over me, eroding my spirit with a constant influx of fear and dread. Then I remembered Jesus saying that his death was symbolic. It symbolized the deaths of all Men. In this symbolic act, He went to hell for us before he went to heaven. I remembered Him saying that this symbolic act was supposed to release Humanity from the childish concepts of sin and damnation. He professed to have come to fulfill the old law and bring a new law based on love, caring and acceptance.
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Jesus didnt come to shame Humanity; He didnt come to damn us, or even to judge us, but rather to save us from our childish concepts and beliefs. He came to save us from the childish belief that there could even be such a thing as Hell. He came to save us from the childish concept that a loving God would stoop so low as to terrorize and punish individuals who did not follow His law. He came to save us from childish concepts that engender the belief that God loves one person or group of people more than another. Slowly, it began to dawn on me that my shame was based in childish concepts, childish fantasies, and my fear was generated by what amounts to Boogey Man stories. There is no heaven, there is no hell, there is just life, in the body and out of the body. The boogey man stories were designed to keep children in line, or in bed while their parents slept. Nevertheless, as children grow up they come to realize that it is just a story, and there was no real boogieman. It was now evident to me that Jesus was telling me that there isnt any heaven or hell, that this is a fantasy and that by granting me absolution, he was symbolically releasing me from this fantasy, this boogieman story. But, if it really is just a fantasy, a glorified boogieman story, why was it created? Why would Humanity create such a fantasy? Maybe such fantasies were created for the same reason that
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parents developed the concept of the boogieman; to frighten the children into minding. What better way to keep social order amongst people whose capacity for understanding social ethics was driven by an animalistic need to simply survive? Frighten them with horror stories about what happens to individuals who dont toe the line, who dont follow the rules. Back when the race was young and the lives of individuals were based upon superstitious rituals and magical thinking, such tales were probably very effective in keeping the masses under the control of their priests and leaders. But, if that is true, how could such childish beliefs maintain their hold on an educated society that understood what made the sun continuously burn and how to split an atom? What made Humanity doggedly cling to such beliefs when, with increased education in social morality and interpersonal relationships, society could move beyond such childish and emotionally destructive forms of social control? Is it tradition? Is it because the leaders of the churches are afraid to abolish such childish concepts for fear they would then loose control over their flocks? Or was it something more basic, like if this concept was dropped, a concept upon which nearly every religion in the world is based, would it then follow that all of the other things that religion teaches and all the teachings of the Prophets, Saints and
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Avatars would then also be suspect? Nevertheless, Jesus had told me that his goal was to break the hold of Humanitys childish concepts of sin and damnation, by fulfilling that for them, for all of them, past and future. He said that he had not come to condemn the law but to fulfill it. He said that he came to assist men in attaining greater enlightenment, where love is the Greatest Law, and cherishing one another as they would cherish themselves would take precedence over the Old Testament Law of an eye for an eye and a tooth. Where the realization that all are made in Gods Image and Likeness, within their spirit and soul, that all men are divine, and that this would take precedence over prejudice, bigotry and the need to dominate one another. But it would seem that Humanity just doesnt get it. After all, it had sure been difficult for me to get it. I had long since finished my snack, and was still sitting there, mulling over the vision and what it really meant. Finally, I picked up my pack and put it on and once again began my trek up the path toward the cave, where my symbol of personal power awaited me. According to my map, the entrance to the cave was just a stones throw away. I slowed down and began to pay attention to the landscape. The path on which I stood was beginning to wend its way up the side of the mountain now, and the going was getting a little more
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difficult. Not only was the incline of the path more pronounced, it was also rockier. I picked my way along carefully, as there was a lot of loose cinder in the soil making it easier for me to lose my footing. Sam didnt seem to have any trouble at all, as he bounded up the path and then stood waiting for me to catch up with him. Show off, I said to him, as I struggled my way up the path toward him. Im sorry Im so slow, but you see I dont have built in cleats like you do. I smiled at him and then gave him a pat on the head as I drew myself up beside him. He gave me a deep purr and then a kitten cry, as he butted his head against my unsteady legs. The cinder here was like trying to walk on marbles and as he butted my legs my feet slipped and I grabbed on to a tree branch to keep from sliding back down the path. Jeeze, Sam, its hard enough trying to climb this cinder path without you trying to knock me back down again. I know you like me, but try not to kill me with your affections, okay? He cocked his head and meowed in response. I found myself on a narrow ledge, and just ahead was the opening to the cave. I guess that is what Sam was trying to get me to see. I sat down on a rock and rooted in my pack for a flashlight. Of course, it was on the vary bottom and took me a little finagling to get it out without emptying the pack in the process.
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Finally, with flashlight in hand, I entered the cave. The opening was small but not impassable, nevertheless I had to take off my pack and pull it through after me. I have never been much of a cave explorer or spelunker as they are called, but I did appreciate beauty, and once I had traversed the narrow opening and the short tunnel that had me crouching to get through, I finally emerged into a chamber that reminded me of Carlsbad Caverns. Not only was the chamber huge, but it was also filled with stalactites and stalagmites in varying degrees of development, layered with colors and textures from the different ores, calcium and chemicals in the water that dripped incessantly. The walls were covered with phosphorescent algae in a myriad of colors as well. The whole chamber was like a fairyland! Wow! I said, and my voice echoed back to me for what seemed a whole minute! I walked down into the chamber and marveled at the inventiveness of nature. After my flashlight had shown on a part of the wall it continued to glow in purple, green and blue. It was cooler in here so I untied my jacket from around my waist and put it on. I had no idea where I was supposed to go. The map didnt show much more about the cave other than its position on the path. I looked through the book, holding the flashlight under my
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chin so that I could hold it in both hands. There didnt seem to be any extra maps showing the layout of the cave. That was unsettling. People could get lost forever in caves. I neednt have worried though, as Sam seemed to know exactly where to go. As we traveled through chamber after chamber, I was amazed at the diversity of rock formations and phosphorescent colors that continued to glow after the beam from my flashlight hit them. It was getting colder, and it would seem that we had already traveled fairly deep into the planet, and the path continued to descend deeper and deeper. I wondered how long it would be before I found what I was looking for. As we entered another chamber, I was amazed that here the phosphorescence glowed without the aid of my flashlight beam, and this chamber was not only larger then any of the others I had yet to encounter, but it also had a large lake that actually had waves that broke on the black sandy shore. As I stood at the edge of the lake and looked across it, I couldnt see the other side. About thirty feet from shore a mist swirled above the water, obscuring everything beyond, making the chamber seem limitless. I knelt at the shoreline and ran my fingers through the water. It was warm, which would explain the mists, since the air in the cave was chilly. I smelled my hand and didnt pick up any scent that might suggest that the water wasnt potable, but I was also
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watching Sam, and he didnt seem inclined to drink it, so I wasnt going to chance it. I learned a long time ago that animals in the wild have good sense when it comes to finding the right place to get a drink. Anyway, my canteen was still half full. I walked along the shore remarking to myself that it almost seemed as though I were on the surface, since the mists collected in the upper part of the chamber, giving the illusion of clouds. The only real giveaway was the echoes from the waves rebounding off the chamber walls. There was also an ethereal glow to the mists above, suggesting a starry night beyond the clouds. I assumed this was from the phosphorescent algae, which probably loved all this moisture. I sat down on a rock beside the shore and turned off my flashlight and was amazed at how much I could see without it. The chamber wasnt bright, but it was not dark either. I could see about fifty feet down the shore where Sam stood sniffing the air, his tail swishing. He looked back in my direction and meowed, not nervous but not kittenish either. Then he padded toward me over the sandy beach. When he reached me he sat down beside me and laid his head on my knee. I sat there petting him, looking around the chamber. Then, through the swirling mists I saw a glint of light, about half way up the nearest wall. I shined my flashlight in that
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direction and the beam seemed to reflect off something metallic. I realized that I had probably located my symbol of personal power. I played the beam over the wall, looking for an access route. There appeared to be a ledge that began near the bottom and wound its way up the wall in a series of switchbacks. It looked like a very narrow ledge. I wasnt even certain that it would support me. It seemed to be formed by jutting pieces of shale, and shale is not the best stuff to trust your weight on, as it tends to break apart easily. Golly! Aranon wasnt kidding when he said that I would have to be really creative in order to retrieve that! I said to Sam, who looked in the direction of my flashlight beam. I could see that he too had caught a glimpse of something shiny. In fact, he stood up and watched it glimmer, as an air current must have set it swinging slightly. It appeared to be hanging on something. Sam moved slowly in the direction of the glimmer, in a crouched posture that said he was stalking. His tail switched back and forth, and he made strange chortling noises. Yeah, well, if you wana go get it, that sure would save me the trouble of trying to figure out how Im gonna do it. I said to Sam. On the other hand, that ledge looks to be as dangerous for you as it would be for me, so maybe we should wait on that and investigate our options.
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At this point, Sam was wriggling his behind, looking as though he was going to tackle that wall and get that shiny thing. Suddenly he bounded strait up the wall; forget about the ledge! He found purchase on the ledge just under the object and batted at it until it fell to the ledge he was standing on. Then, he picked it up in his teeth and bounded back down the wall, head first, sliding to a stop in front of me, the necklace still dangling from his teeth. Well, Sam, you are just positively stupendous! I pet him on the head and reached for the necklace. He released it as I gave a gentle tug. It was exactly what I had described to Aranon days ago! It was beautiful and it looked as though it were made out of solid gold! I put it over my head and immediately felt the power of it. Suddenly, I felt energized and my mind was the clearest it had been in a very long time. I actually felt the energy of my personal power surge through me. I also realized that it had been mine all along, and that putting on the necklace simply symbolized my taking it back, my reclaiming it. It had been there all along, but it had been buried under my fear and pain, my guilt and shame. Now they were gone too. I knew that for certain. I had released them during the vision of Jesus. I had had sent them away as the Nolophan, their symbolic form, had died. Well, Sam, its time for you to really show your stuff now
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and get us out of here. We still have a ways to go before we complete this journey. Sam meowed and swished his tail. You lead, Ill follow. Sam rubbed up against my leg lightly and then turned and started back down the beach the way we had come. Our footprints were the only marring marks on the pristine sand that made up this eerie subterranean beach, that danced in the shimmering light of the phosphorescent algae glowing beyond the swirling mists. Within an hour we were pulling ourselves out the caves entrance and back on to the path. The sunlight was much dimmer now, as the suns began their descent behind the mountain. I decided that we would need to make a camp soon and began looking for large ledges or small mountainside valleys that would be large enough to accommodate my tent. After another hour of traveling up the mountainside, I was beginning to think there was no place to put a tent. The higher we went up the mountain, the steeper the path became, and there seemed to be no flat spaces anywhere. Then suddenly, as I rounded a bend in the path, I saw Aranon up ahead, sitting on a rock smiling at me. Ah, he said, cheerfully. I was beginning to think I would need to go looking for you.
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The cave took a while, I responded, grumpily, my feet hurting. I cant find a place big enough to put up the tent. Not a problem, replied Aranon, follow me. Sam and I followed Aranon up the path, scrambling for our footing in the loose cinder. Aranon seemed to simply amble up the mountain, without slipping or sliding. Then, when it seemed that this path was just going to keep going up and up with no relief, a small hillside valley came into view, and my heart leapt in my chest at the sight of it. It was fairly large, about fifty feet across and the valley had a relatively flat bottom and was surrounded on all sides with trees, making it fairly dark, as the suns slipped behind the mountain. Aranon helped me by gathering deadwood for a fire while I put up the tent. I had become quite adept at that task, so it only took me about twenty minutes, from start to finish. Then I set about making a fire pit and surrounding it with rocks to contain it from the dry evergreen needles that padded the floor of the valley. Aranon returned with the firewood and kindling as I completed this task and laid it beside the fire pit. I had already padded the bottom of the pit with dry pine needles and began to make a latticework formation with the kindling. Finally, I placed the larger pieces of wood on top and then looked at Aranon in the dim light. Well, I dont think I am gonna do too well at rubbing two
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sticks together to make a fire, so I would hope that you have a means of lighting it. I said, hoping he did, because I was completely unprepared to make a fire from scratch. Aranon pointed a device at the fire pit and the kindling began to smoke and then burst into flame. That should do it, he said smiling at my amazement. Would you like to share a meal with us? I asked. No, you go ahead, Im fine. I took out the so-called mini microwave and a food package. I put the package into the little box, set the time for three minutes and then set it on a the ground while it did its thing. I fished a kit out of the pack and opened it. It had a bowl on the bottom, a plate on the top and silverware inside. I opened the little microwave when it had finished its process and gingerly tore open the heated package and pored its contents into the bowl. It smelled good. I took a bite with the spoon. It tasted like chicken teriyaki with rice. I ate hungrily as Aranon watched and scratched Sam behind the ears. When I finished, I took a drink from my canteen and realized that it was down to less than a third full. How am I doing? I asked, as I snugged my back up against a rock and stretched out my aching legs. How do you think you are doing? He asked. I think I am doing fantastic! I said, feeling my personal
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power, even though I was achy and tired. I would have to agree, he responded. I see you were able to retrieve your symbol of personal power. Was it difficult? Nah, piece of cake, I said, grinning. Tell me how you did it? Actually, I didnt, I replied, feeling the need to be honest. Sam got it for me. Really? Yep! He just ran up the wall, grabbed it and ran down again. I couldnt believe my eyes! He sure is a handy friend to have. Then he led me back out of the cave. The people who put that into the cave must have really had to work hard to erase all traces of their passage, because without Sam, I would have been lost. Oh, and before we got to the cave, he got in a fight with a Nolophan. Guess who lost? Obviously not Sam. We both had a good laugh. I met a little Gray sage, I said, off handedly, during a long silence. Tell me about it. I told him about the sage and his dome dwelling with the fire pit in the middle. I told him about having tea with him and the conversation we had. Then I told him about the vision I had, how it had disturbed me and how I had finally interpreted its meaning.
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It sounds to me as though you have gained quite a bit of insight. He responded when I had finished my tale. Do you think you have actually let go of your guilt and shame? It felt like it. I guess the only way to know for sure is to wait and see if it comes back. I suppose you are right, he chuckled. I want you to know that I am very proud of you, his tone sobered. You have done well. Of course you still have a ways to go, but I have every confidence in your ability to get through it, especially with Sam at your side. It would seem that the two of you make a good team. He smiled and got to his feet. I will be going now, he said, as he bent down and patted me on the head. It was already dark and he didnt appear to have a flashlight. I wondered how he was going to navigate that steep path without a light. How will you get out of here safely? I asked, my concern showing in my voice. Would you like my flashlight? No, he replied, with a gentle smile. Ill be fine. You will need that, but I really appreciate your willingness to give it up out of concern for my safety. As I told you once before, I have a few talents of my own. He winked and strode off into the darkness as the fire crackled and spit glowing embers into the night sky.
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Forty-Six
I lay in my tent, snuggled down into an ultra light sleeping bag that kept me as warm and toasty as one of the thick, downfilled ones back on earth. It folded up into a square that was one inch thick and 3 inches square, just a little bit bigger than a cigarette package and weighing less than 4 ounces. Beside me, not in the sleeping bag but inside the tent, lay Sam, who snored. Suddenly, something attacked the tent with enough force to have torn right through any Earth type tent material, but this material repelled it, although with that much force, I didnt know for how long. Sam was up on his feet and snarling before I was even able to sit up. It was dark, so it was difficult to see anything. I
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struggled out of my cocoon and moved slowly toward the door so that I could let Sam out. I knew he could see me and would not mistake me for the attacker, but I didnt know if the attacker was right outside the door or not, and really didnt want to be caged in this tiny tent with two raging animals. Nevertheless, I had to let Sam out, as he was clawing at the door, and with his claws, it was only a matter of time before there was no more door. Finally I felt my way to the edge of the door flap that was secured with what we, today, would call Velcro. This Velcro could pull apart easily if pulled from the right angle, but would doggedly hold tight if pulled from the wrong one. I felt for the lift tab at the bottom and pulled sideways until a small triangle of the star filled sky was visible. Sam immediately leaped through the small opening and out into the night and I hurriedly resealed the door. I could hear Sam prowling around the periphery of the tent, sniffing and keeping a constant low growl going in his throat like an outboard motor in idle mode. Then the growl became snarls, which were met by other snarls that were not Sams. At this point it was obvious that a fight had ensued between Sam and the attacker. I lay on the floor of the tent and pulled the door tab to raise the flap just enough so that I could see out through a small crack. There, as silhouettes in motion on a background of stars,
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were Sam, and a Codger. The Codger was at least as big as Sam, and seemed to have more weight on it as well. Sam had his knife-like claws, but the Codger had knife like teeth, and a lot of them too! Then, the Codger somehow was able to grab Sams neck and force him to the ground, and I gasped, terrified that this may be his last moment. Then Sam, in spite of the fact that the Codger had a killer hold on his neck, reached backwards with his front paws and locked them behind the Codgers front legs. Before the Codger could react, Sam lifted his hind legs; right over the head of the Codger and ended up on its back. The Codger still had a hold on Sams neck, but now Sam gripped the underside of the Codgers neck with his teeth, forcing the Codger to turn its head in an extremely awkward position from which he must either extricate himself or be unable to breathe. Finally it let go and Sam then viciously chewed and clawed the Codger to death. It was sad and yet, I breathed a sigh of relief. Suddenly, Sams nose was right in front of my eyes as I looked out of the open crack at the bottom of the door flap. Im okay, Sam. You did good! Thank you Sam. Guard the tent, okay? I wasnt sure I wanted him back in the tent with me. He was probably bleeding, and had the Codgers blood all over him. I
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hoped that he would be all right as I sealed the door flap. Crawling back into the sleeping bag, I was exhausted, but my heart wouldnt stop pounding. This, in turn, reminded me of so many times when my fear had run away with me and I lost control, and another part of me took over. I worked on systematically relaxing myself. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I fell asleep. Are you in there? Asked a voice. I knew it wasnt Aranon, for it was a womans voice. What woman would Sam let get this close? Who are you? I asked, scrambling out of my sleeping bag. I am Uma. I have come to give you guidance. How is it that my Kretchen, Sam, has not torn you to pieces? Your friend and I have met. He has marked me. I am accepted. Okay, I said, do you want to come in, or shall I come out? May I come in? She asked. I opened the door flap and allowed her to step in. Immediately, I recognized her. It was Jeannie! This was the other Sams wife on Colony Five and the mother of the little genius, Andy. The little girl I had connected with while living in a California commune.
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Jeannie! I said, reaching to give her a hug. She knelt down and hugged me. What brings you here and why did you give that other name? I asked. I came for the purpose that I stated, she replied, and that is the name that I use when I am on a mission for my Order. I am a Priestess in The Order Of Light. Uma means centered. Well, I guess at last we get to spend time alone, huh? I said, in awe of her. I had no reason to see her as anything more than the little girl from California all grown up, a wife and mother. It was difficult to imagine her as a Priestess. Yes! She said and then giggled. Thats one of the reasons that I applied to be one of the Guides on your quest. Do you traipse around in this forest regularly? I asked. I have always loved Nature, Christy, you know that. Back when Sam and I first lived in Top Side, I joined the Order. Part of our initiation process is survival in the wild. After I was initiated, I would come out into the forest for two to three days every month. Since Andys birth I havent had the opportunity to do something like this, but Aranon said that he would give Andy some challenging things to do at the Center while I am out here, so here I am! She gave me a brilliant smile and got comfortable on the floor of the tent, sitting Tailor fashion. She was dressed in an outfit
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that almost looked like a cross between something out of I dream of Jeanie, and Sheena of the Jungle, but then why not? Jeannie was her name and she grew up in the era when both programs were prime time viewing for kids. I love the outfit, I said, grinning. She was lovely in it. We had to make our own Ceremonial Garb. I made this, because it made me feel in charge of myself, and yet beautiful too. I know, you probably think its hokie. She giggled light heartedly. No, actually I agree, it makes you look beautiful. I like it. So, I said, changing the subject, what is it that you are here to offer me guidance on? That depends on what guidance you need. She smiled, softly. I dont know, Jeannie. Its really hard for me to imagine you, not only all grown up, but older than me and with more experience. Im kinda off balance with this role reversal here. I knew I was floundering, looking for words to describe my feelings and sounding pretty lame. Its okay, Christy, I understand. Actually, I think its pretty neat! What a wonderful opportunity to repay your kindness. You know, I never, ever forgot you and I think I have thought about you nearly every day of my life since then.
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Aw, comon, I said. You only knew me for a few months. Why would you think of me so much? Because you were the only one in my life who validated me, just for being myself. You allowed me to be a kid. Mom and Dad wanted me to be their caretaker. I was not only expected to take care of myself, but them too, especially when they were stoned. You didnt need me to take care of you like that. Yeah, I know, you had your problems back then and you did need someone to care about you, but you never asked me to take care of you. Instead, you gave me a lot of care. You watched over me, and you protected me. You not only allowed me my fantasy play, but you joined in and made it broader, deeper, and more exciting! You were a natural born kid! I adored you and was heartbroken when Daddy told me that they had sent you home to your parents. I didnt think you needed your parents, I thought you were all grown up. But Daddy said you had too many problems for the commune to pay attention to. He said that you were sick and needed to be with people who cared about you. A week later we left the commune and Daddy got a job Working at a free clinic. A year later he completed his PhD in psychology, which he had put on hold to be a hippy, and opened his own counseling practice. After about two years, we had a house in the suburbs, two cars and I was going to a private school. The hippy life was left behind
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and we became just another upper middle class family. But when I was down, when I felt alone or was challenged by lifes experiences, I thought about you. I wondered about you. I dreamed of one day finding you again and repaying the favor. Okay, I said, overwhelmed by her statements. I have no idea how you can help me now. Okay, what is your quest? Well, I retrieved my symbol of personal power and I have mostly sorted through what it was that caused all my guilt and shame, so my main goal now it to complete the trek and make it to Segundo Dome. What about your chosen Path? Have you decided on what that might be? Im not even sure what that means, I said. I guess I will continue to seek truth. To what end? She asked. To have a better life. And then what? I dont know. Help people maybe. And how would you help people? Oh, I dont know. What am I supposed to say, Jeannie? A path is a discipline that one lives by, through which they can expand their soul and touch the souls of others through
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sharing their wisdom and being a living example of the truth and wisdom of their chosen path. I know, it sounds a little circular, but each path is different, so I am leaving that part out. I follow the Path of Light. I suppose I would follow that same path, I said. Then you will need to understand that Path. I suppose I will, but there is obviously not enough time for you to tell me all I need to know about it today. I smiled at her and felt fidgety. No, but I can share some of the basic principles about that Path. That would be really nice, I said, but I am concerned about Sam, so can we go see if we can find him? He got into a fight with a Codger and I know he was bitten by it. He is right outside, and he looked fine to me, but go have a look. She smiled. I opened the door flap and stuck my head out, looking for Sam. Then, he nuzzled me from behind, letting out a rolling purr. I pet him and felt his neck, which seemed to have a few scabs forming, but no open wounds. Im so glad you are doing okay, I said, giving him a hug. I pulled myself back inside the tent and sat down again. Okay, hes fine.
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So, shall I give you the basic principles of the Path of Light? Sure, I said, giving her an indulgent smile. Go ahead. The founder of the Order Of Light on the planet Earth was Malchizadek. Actually, he was a Hebraic Priest back before the birth of Jesus. He taught that all of Gods Creation is based upon Light, and that once we merge with the Light, we stand beside the Creator, as co-creators, as sons and daughters of God. He taught that the Path of Light was the path of love, truth, right thought, right speech and right action. Right thought, right speech and right action will always reflect love and truth. When in doubt, do nothing except open your heart to love and truth. There are no conditions on love and truth, therefore they are considered unconditional. Right thought, is unconditionally truthful, loving thought is unconditionally loving. Im not sure I am clear on this unconditional stuff. Love should never be based upon conditions. Like if you do this or that, Ill love you. No, if I love someone, I place no conditions on it. I dont love them because they are good looking, or smart or have some other quality that I deem loveable. When you love, love without condition, love everyone and everything, every situation, every experience, without establishing conditions. This also includes yourself and everyone and everything in your
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life. Again, put no conditions on truth. Truth is self-evident. It needs no explanation, no conditions such as it is true if, or it is true when. Truth just is, it can not be defined within any specific parameters. Yes, but there are some things that are true for you and are not true for me, I said, confused. Yes, but I can accept your truth without invalidating my own, and I can speak my truth without invalidating yours. You need not adopt my truth if it doesnt fit you, and I need not force you to accept it in order to sustain its validity for myself. You see, in the light of unconditional love, I can accept your truth even if it is opposed to my own, for I see your light as a child of God, and can accept your interpretation of life as being as valid as mine. Are you getting it now? So what you are saying is that everything is true? Yes! Exactly! If God created all things out of His own substance, and God is Truth and Love, then all that He created is based in truth and love. Each individual might interpret creation differently, and some might get caught up in destructive and distorted interpretations, but it is all still truth, and God uses it all in the process of revealing His Divine Plan. Yeah, right, I replied sullenly. So Mr. Eddy tells me I am going to burn in Hell because I allowed a man to touch me in a
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carnal way, and thats true? If that is the only truth you are willing to accept, yes. So there is a Hell? Of course, she laughed, but only for those who see it as true, and then only until they have had an opportunity to access and embrace a greater truth. Like I said, we are all co-creators with God, and we can create a hell, if that is our choice, and we can even go there and experience it, if that is our choice. Nevertheless, God wishes that no man suffer, and would never constrain His children to endure an eternity of anything without ample opportunities to change their minds and their perceptions of truth. The only things that are truly eternal are Love and Light; everything else is just games we play while we are growing up. Once we are grown up we are called to take our place beside God, as His True Sons and Daughters in the Light. So, love everything and believe everything, huh? Love everything and believe nothing, but accept everything as part of Gods truth. Embrace everything with love and acceptance. Sounds like hairsplitting to me, I said, not sure this was really my path after all. To believe means to be living according to specific parameters. Remember, truth and love have no parameters, they
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just are. The only Path to truth is one of love and acceptance. Of course, you can believe whatever you choose, for that is your right, but when you accept all, and allow the power of Gods love and light to guide and direct your life, your truth will shine from within you, and you will be free to attain your full potential without constraints. So how does one just accept everything and still have a personality? Because ones personality is the sum total of all their lifes experiences, and is not contingent on ones level of acceptance, she replied. Okay, so if someone walks up and slugs me and takes my purse, Im just supposed to accept it? Yes, with forgiveness. That way you end the cycle of karma right there. You free yourself and the thief as well. And I dont even report it to the police, right? Golly, you are a real challenge, arent you? She asked, frowning. Im sorry, but I really would like to know how it helps anyone to get away with criminal behavior. I mean, thats why we have laws, isnt? Not just to protect the masses, but to hold criminals accountable. So how does it help anyone for me to allow this purse snatcher to just stroll away with my purse?
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You are not the masses. You are the one who is ready to choose a Path. You are the one who is ready to step out and make a difference. But as long as you hold on to your need to control your outer world, you will have a difficult time tapping into the power of the inner one. Jesus tried to tell us. He said if a man strikes you on the cheek; turn also the other for him to strike. He was telling us, the only way off the wheel of karma is to stop retaliating. This is not the path of the common man; this is the Path of the Initiate. Its up to you what you want to be. She became silent, her face a mixture of irritation and frustration. Jeeze, Jeannie, I didnt mean to upset you, I said, feeling embarrassed. Im not upset, She said, waving the thought aside. I apologize for being a bit over zealous. No, its your choice, and of course, because I feel so connected to you; I would like to help you make that choice. Forgive me. So if I choose this path, then I will need to learn to become accepting. I will need to learn to forgive instead of get even in order to get free of my karma, which is what probably keeps me from taping into the power of my inner spirit. Yes, exactly. You really are ready; you just have to believe that you can do it. Well, it shouldnt be that difficult, I said, after all, Ive been
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a victim all my life. It shouldnt be that difficult to allow people to walk all over me. Jeannie shook her head as if trying to clear cobwebs. How do you do that? She asked. How do you say something so perceptive and aware in one sentence, and then follow it with a sentence of equal passion, where you say something that seems to come right out of a ghetto mentality? Because even though I can envision it, I cant see myself there. I understand the principles behind what you say about karma, and yet I have been victimized over and over in my life and I find it difficult to imagine myself allowing someone to attack me and not doing a thing to stop it and not report it to the police. You see my dilemma? On the one hand, if I am going to recover from my abuse, I need to stand up for myself, and I need to help other individuals to do the same, and on the other, I would like to find my Path. Maybe this one just isnt it. And then again, maybe it is, she said smiling. Nevertheless, I am not going to push it. Let me just say that while you are on this journey, I will be available to assist you if you need me. Like how? I asked. Like if you need assistance with anything, no matter what it is, Im available.
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So if I fall off a cliff you will come rescue me? I asked. Hopefully that wont be necessary, but yes. She started to get up, and then as an afterthought took something from her pocket and handed it to me. It was a purple crystal. Just hold this stone in you hand and call my name, if you need assistance. Then she got up and let herself out of the tent. I felt badly about the time I had spent with Jeannie. I know I had been argumentative and difficult. She was a good person, and she was trying to help me and all I did was throw up barriers. Still, I was not convinced that the path she chose to follow was the one for me. There was no way I could let another person hurt me, or the family within me ever again, at least not without attempting to protect myself, and definitely not without reporting it to the police. I gathered the sleeping bag and my pack and left the tent and then began to dismantle it. Sam watched from the sidelines as I did this, patrolling the parameter of our little valley. Finally, when I had everything stowed in the pack, I hoisted it on my back and again began my trek.
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Forty-Seven
The morning was crisp and clear as I made my way up the mountain. The suns were warm and the breeze was cool as it wafted through the trees, sounding like waves on the seashore. This was more of a climb then the previous days trek, and I had to do a lot of resting. I also discovered that my canteen was nearly dry and the chances of finding water on this incline seemed to be slim to none. On the other hand, there might be springs, seeping out from the lake in the crater at the top. That would probably be potable water. I listened for the sound of water, but the sound of the wind in the trees made it difficult to tell if it was just the wind,
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or a waterfall nearby. I watched Sam, as he roved his way along. He was never very far away, but sometimes he disappeared from site. I decided I needed to enlist his help. If either of us were to find water, I would put my money on him and his superior senses. I called to him. He was about fifty feet further up the mountain. He stopped and looked back at me. Come here, Sam. I patted my leg and made a clicking sound, with tongue and teeth. He regarded me curiously, tilting his head. There was no reason to assume that just because I chose to call him Sam, that he knew it was his name. So, I sat down in the middle of the path and called him again. It might get his attention if he thought I was disabled. Sure enough, he came trotting back down, nuzzling me and checking me over. Im ok, Sam, I said, taking off my pack and pulling out the canteen. I just need you to help me to find some of this, and then I opened the canteen and poured a little of the precious stuff into the palm of my hand, so that he could smell it, taste it maybe. He sniffed it, he licked it, and he looked at the canteen, chuffing, meowing. I took a drink, and then shook the canteen, nearly empty. Gotta get more, Sam. Help me find more. With that I got up and put my pack back on. Sam looked me up and down, and then bounded back up the mountain. I hurried to catch up with him.
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After about an hour of strenuous climbing, trying to keep up with Sam, we came to another valley in the bottom of which was a pond. That wasnt too encouraging, for ponds in the wild are seldom potable unless they are spring fed. Nevertheless, the chance of it being spring fed, with a lake up there in the crater, was pretty good. I slipped and slid down to the bank of the pond, hoping to stop myself before I fell in. I could smell water, and some organic decay, but that is common around water. I looked for Sam and saw him, about fifty feet away, on an angle, standing on a narrow sandy beach. I inched toward him as he drank. When I got to the little slice of beach I walked out into the water, which was cold, meaning it was probably spring fed. I dunked my canteen in and filled it and then washed my face. It felt invigorating and as I waded back out I felt refreshed. As I reached the top of the bank a man with a gun confronted me. I stuck my hand in my pocket, gripped the stone that Jeannie gave me and called her both verbally and in my mind. You just stop right there, he said, waving the rifle at me. This is my reservoir and you cant take the water. Excuse me? I asked sarcastically. I dont think taking one canteen of water is enough to endanger your supply. I tried to
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appear unperturbed by the rifle he kept waving at me. I let you take some, I gotta let every Yahoo comes by have some. You put it back! If I put it back I will die of thirst before I get to another spring. Whats the deal here, you some sort of rogue Earther? It appeared that Kerry was taking over the conversation. I dont gotta tell you nothin, He said, glaring at me. He was a wiry man of medium height and indeterminate age, with brown scraggly hair, wearing what appeared to be clothing made from animal pelts. You gotta be from Earth. First of all you are human and secondly, you speak English, or a slightly diminished facsimile. Im just curious as to why you are living out here all alone. I mean do you hate people or something? You sure got a mouth on you for someone facin the business end of a gun, he said, looking at me curiously. Whats a little thing like you doin out here all alone anyway? Suddenly I was truly frightened, all of us were. It was the way he said little thing like you that alerted me to the possibility that I might be in danger of something a lot more terrifying than either having to walk all the way to the lake without water or getting shot, neither of which were on my list of favorable outcomes. Then he started toward me with a terrifying grin on his
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face. Look, I said, Ill just put the water back and be on my way, okay? I began to move back down the bank toward the water. No, he said, emitting a cackling laugh, I think we will just work out a trade. You give me what I want, you get to keep the water. Nope, I said, opening the canteen. Im just gonna give back the water. I began to pour its contents back into the spring. That aint gonna do you no good little lady, he cackled again. You see I got the gun. I think you are gonna give me what I want. Nope, Im not, I said. If you are going to shoot me, you better do it. Oh, I will. He cackled again. I will shoot you in the foot, and then you wont enjoy what Im gonna give you, little lady, but you wont get away either. I just stood there, out of options. If he shot me in the leg or foot, I would be incapacitated and then he could have his way with me anyway. Where the hell is Jeannie? I asked myself, again squeezing the stone in my pocket. Okay, I said. So if I give you what you want, can I refill my canteen? Naw, he said, giggling, you argued with me. I cant let my
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women argue with me. You will have to be punished for that. No water. You give me what I want without no more argument and Ill let you go. You give me any more mouth and I keep you for a while. You cant keep me. I have friends who will come looking for me. No matter where I am they can find me. If you try to keep me, they may not take to kindly to that. There ya go mouthin off again! He shouted, waving the gun more vigorously. Get up here you little bitch. Move it or I will put a slug in you sos itll hurt. Suddenly, I was transported back though a kaleidoscope of flashbacks, each more terrifying then the last. Shocks ran through me as I realized that no one was going to come and help me. I was in this on my own. There was no way around what would come next. I started back up the bank and resigned myself to this insanity. I was on a Vision Quest, for Gods sake! How could I be taken prisoner by a sex-starved hermit? Why didnt Jeannie come? Didnt that team who was watching all of this know what was going on? Is this some sort of test? Or, could this be some sort of random happening? Is it possible that this could be unplanned, unexpected? Whats your name? He asked as I got to the top of the
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bank. I didnt respond. I just looked at him thinking, what the hell does he need my name for? I asked you a question, bitch! Whats your name? He cocked his rifle and held it up to my head. I was thinking do it, bastard. After a moment he uncocked the rifle and lowered it. Aw, what the fuck, Id probly just call ya bitch anyway. Move it. That way, bitch. He pushed me along until we reentered the forest, and then he led me into a cave filled with things he had probably taken from others who were unfortunate enough to wander too close. At the mouth of the cave was a fire pit and inside were his booty and a stack of furs that I assumed he used as a bed. Where was Sam? Why hadnt Sam attacked this man? Had he marked him in the past? Where the hell had he gone? Strip! Ordered the man. I just stood there. I wasnt giving him anything. If he wanted it, he would have to take it. Finally, he approached me and tore my backpack off roughly. You want a beatin too? He asked. I just stood there, not wanting a beating, but not willing to give him anything either. Take your fucking clothes off, bitch! He yelled, cocking the gun.
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Still, I just stood there, feeling frozen, feeling totally out of touch with the danger I was in. And then suddenly, he smacked me in the face with the back of his hand and I fell to the floor of the cave. Do you want more, bitch, or are you gonna do as yer told? The side of my face burned like it had been held to a fire, and my eyes were tearing from the pain. I decided that I didnt really want to be beat up. I had been that rout before and it didnt keep me from being raped. I started to unbutton my shirt. Thats more like it, bitch, he said, licking his lips. I removed my shirt, and then started to undo my jeans when Jeannie showed up, like a flickering phantom behind the man. I stopped what I was doing and looked at her, confused by her phantasmical form. Why didnt she completely materialize? Keep goin, bitch. Get them jeans off! Jeannie! Help me, please! I cried, in desperation. Aint no one gonna help you now, Bitch. If I gotta take um off ya, Im gonna be mean about it, said the man, moving toward me. Im gonna have ya, one way or tother. Im not gonna just accept this, Jeannie. There is no way I am going to just lay down and be victimized again! You can take your path of light and shove it! I yelled as I rushed the guy and pulled his gun from him, and he stood there surprised and
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confused, looking around for whomever it was I was talking to. I cocked it and held it to his chest. Not today, buddy boy, and I am not a bitch! I am a woman, with feelings and dreams! I dont know what your problem is, but I am not your answer and fucking me isnt gonna fix your screwed up life! I reached down and picked up my shirt and stuffed it into the waistband of my jeans, while continuing to hold the gun on the strange little man. Im gonna go get some water, asshole, and youre gonna just stay right here in your little cave and let me, because if I see you, Im gonna shoot you, and you better believe I can shoot, asshole. Shouted Kerry, in a tone that was both crude and convincing. I picked up my pack and my canteen and slung them over my shoulder and started out of the cave, while the weird little guy just stood there staring at me, incredulously. I went to the spring and filled my canteen, looking over my shoulder all the while, making sure he hadnt followed me. After filling my canteen I climbed back up the bank and then started back up the mountain, searching for the path, while along the way I put my shirt back on. After a few minutes Sam found me and I followed him back to the path. I still didnt understand why he had not tried to tear that guy
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limb from limb. I thought I understood why Jeannie hadnt helped me. Suddenly, I hated her. She would have just stood there, in her fuzzy form, and let that guy rape me, because she believed that we needed to just accept everything. Well, that wasnt for me. I tossed the rifle into the brush as I continued on my way. My anger seethed as I continued on my trek. I couldnt wait to see Aranon again! As soon as I did I was going to tell him that he could take this Vision Quest thing and shove it. I wanted to go home! I wanted to go back to Earth where at least it was normal for people to either take advantage of you or abandon you to the abuses of others, afraid to get involved, afraid to even acknowledge the abuse for fear it could come their way as well. If Jeannies idea of acceptance was enlightenment, I didnt want any part of it. As I walked I picked up stones from the path and threw them at trees with all my might, putting all my anger into them. Sam gave me a wide berth allowing me my anger, but not abandoning me again. I still didnt understand why he had not protected me from the guy with the rifle. Who, the heck, was he? Why was he living out here in the wilds, in a cave, protecting a spring that there was no way he could own? Almost nothing that had happened this whole day was logical. From Jeannie in her strange costume, and her crazy ideas
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about acceptance; to the man with the rifle, protecting a spring that probably few had even found before. Narrowly escaping being raped. None of it made any sense. Not unless I was on drugs and in the midst of a hallucination. As I came over a rise in the path I saw that I had reached the lip of the crater at the top of the mountain. I stood for a moment, admiring the beauty of the scene, the trees, the valley below with a beautiful blue lake in the middle, shining in the late afternoon sunlight. I searched for a place to pitch my tent. After pitching my tent I heated a food package and ate while I watched the second sun slip below the edge of the opposite side of the crater. Then, before it was completely dark, I foraged for wood and built a fire, but was unable to light it because I had no matches. Why hadnt they given me matches? So many things didnt make sense to me at that moment. I sat on a rock and put my head in my hands, on the verge of tears. I guess I should have paid more attention to the fire-starting lessons. Ready for a fire, I see, came Aranons voice. I looked up and saw Aranon lighting the fire. I want to go home, I said, angrily, burying my head in my hands once again. Are you saying that you dont want to complete the quest? He asked, seating himself on a rock next to me. He placed his
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hand on my back and I shrugged it off, angrily. This isnt a quest, its a freaking nightmare! Its like a bummer on LSD. Dont tell me you dont know what this is about, because if there is anything I am certain of, it is that you know exactly what is going on all the time, so dont plead ignorance with me, Aranon! I am not omniscient, Christy. Tell me what has happened. He said, gently. You know damn well what happened! You and your team probably orchestrated it for your own amusement. I mean, why not? Why not have a little fun with the crazy Earther girl, huh? Tell me what happened, Christy, he urged even more strongly. I looked up at him. The firelight shone on his face, which was awash with concern. Golly he sure could play that part well. Tears flowed from my eyes as all my illusions of him shattered. I felt that he too was playing with me, getting some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me so distraught. I turned away from him, feeling lost and abandoned on this strange planet. Maybe you are right, he said. Maybe we need to call it quits here and get you back to Anchor Station. Obviously you are much too upset to continue. It would be too dangerous to allow you to go on when you are this distressed.
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I balled up my fists and screamed and then stood and started pummeling him with them, blind with rage and disillusionment. After a few well placed blows he grabbed my fists and held them, looking into my eyes. All right, Christy. I can see that you are extremely upset and I need for you to tell me what has happened. If you refuse, I will take you back immediately. No argument. He released my fists and I sank to the ground by the fire, sobbing. After a few minutes of deep sobs I began to shout at him about my day. First, a Codger attacked my tent before dawn and almost killed Sam, but Sam won that fight too. Then Jeannie comes to my tent at the crack of dawn, looking like a harem girl and talking all this garbage about acceptance, and if someone hits you on the cheek youre supposed to turn the other one and how this is the only way off the wheel of karma, and how because I am ready to choose a path, I need to be willing to just accept whatever comes my way, like some victim that allows themselves to be abused because they feel powerless to stop it! I wont do that again! I wont ever just allow someone to abuse me, never! Never again! Not for you, not for Jeannie and not for some God that punishes people for standing up for themselves, for trying to protect themselves! I broke into sobbing again.
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I dont think even Jeannie expects you to allow someone to abuse you and do nothing to protect yourself, he said, in a commiserating voice. Turn the other cheek, dont fight back, dont retaliate, and dont even call the police! Thats what she said! Just accept it with love, she said! Well if thats the path of light, if thats enlightenment, I dont want it! I refuse to be a victim anymore! Ill fight to my last breath to keep that from happening ever again! Im glad, he said, gently. I am glad that you now value yourself and your life enough to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. There was a time when you were unable to do that. There was a time when, if an abuser confronted you, you would have just frozen up and allowed them to do what they wanted. You have come a long way, and I am very proud of you. So is that why you sent the crazy guy with the rifle to attempt to rape me? I asked, with a bitterness in my voice that I couldnt disguise. No! He said, and his whole body went ridged and shock and maybe even a little anger showed in his face in the firelight. I would never have sent someone to do such a thing, and no one on the team would have either. Tell me what happened, Christy, please. I could hear the honesty in his voice, and the shock, and
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found it difficult to believe it was just an act. Nevertheless, I wasnt ready to trust him again, at least not now. Not after what had happened. I found a spring to fill my canteen. I explained, angrily. When I got done filling my canteen, there was a man there, with a rifle, telling me that the spring belonged to him and that I had to put the water back. It was crazy! He held the rifle on me, acting like he would shoot me if I didnt comply. I stood up to him, or should I say Kerry did, but this just made him crazier! He forced me, at gunpoint to a cave where he told me to take off my clothes. He said he wouldnt kill me if I tried to run, but he would shoot me somewhere where it would hurt so bad I couldnt run away. I was so scared! And Jeannie, she gave me this stone and told me that if I was in trouble to hold it in my hand and call her, so I did! For the longest time she didnt come, and then she was there but not there, like a phantasm, all shimmery and just watched as he forced me to take off my clothes, She didnt do anything! She didnt even try to help me!!! I lapsed once again into deep sobbing, emptying all of the fear and anger from deep down inside of me. Aranon got down in the dirt beside me and pulled me to him, holding me gently, rocking me as I sobbed. Its all right, Christy. Let it out. He said. I dont know who
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that man was, but I intend to find out. I dont know why Jeannie didnt help you, but I intend to find that out too. Did he rape you, Christy? No! I cried, angrily. I got so mad at Jeannie for just standing there, doing nothing, that I started yelling at her. It confused the man with the rifle and I was able to grab it away from him and get out of there! But I was so scared, and so angry! Even Sam stayed away. Not even Sam protected me from this pervert! I sobbed again, remembering the total sense of abandonment I felt. I am very proud of you for taking such good care of yourself. Did you shoot the man? No, I said, but I told him I would if I saw him following me. I filled my canteen and left and I tossed the rifle in the brush about a mile from the spring. So you protected yourself, but you didnt retaliate. Yeah, so? Acceptance doesnt mean giving in to the whims and abuses of others, Christy. Acceptance means acknowledging that terrible things happen, taking the proper steps to protect yourself and others as best you can, and then moving on with your life without anger or hatred toward the people and the incidents over which you had no control. Acceptance means recognizing Gods
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plan in all things and becoming willing to allow that plan to unfold, working through the hardships and the difficulties with the sure knowledge that everything is unfolding as it should, no matter how it looks from your position as a participant. So what happened today was supposed to happen? I asked, feeling once again betrayed. Was it planed? No. Was it supposed to happen? I cant say. I can say that since it has already happened, there is nothing we can do but look for whatever good might have come from it. And a lot of good did come from it, in spite of your fear and your anger and your sense of abandonment while it was occurring. Today you stepped out of the victim role, Christy, and took back your life. Today you stood up to an abuser and turned the tables on him. You could have shot him or injured him but you didnt. You held his life in your hands, for those brief moments while you had his gun trained on him, but instead of causing more harm, you simply walked away. I have to say that I admire the strength you showed in doing that. You have made a giant leap forward in your recovery process today. I am disturbed by the fact that you just narrowly escaped abuse and injury, and I will be looking into who this fellow is and what he is doing out here in the wild. I am certain that he is desperately in need of some help. He gave me a loving
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hug and kissed the top of my head. You did well today, Christy. Im proud of you. We sat there for a long time, on the ground in front of the fire, Aranon holding me. I cried until all the emotion was spent, and then I just turned my face to the fire and watched as the flames sent tiny burning embers into the air above it. Do you want to go back to Anchor Station? He asked, softly, smoothing my hair with his hand, in a gentle and loving way. Ill understand if you do. No, I said, with a conviction that rose from the depths of me. I need to complete this. I need to complete something meaningful in my life. Just stay with me tonight, Aranon. Im feeling really vulnerable. All right, he said. The tent is way too small for me though, so I will just sit out here by the fire. If you need me, Ill be right here. Why dont you go ahead and see if you can get some sleep. Okay, I replied, weakly, pulling myself up off the ground. I pawed through the pack for the sleeping bag and then went into the tent and crawled into it. Finally feeling safe again, I was asleep within a few minutes.
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Forty-Eight
I slept fairly well, considering the events of the previous day. When I awoke I packed up my sleeping bag and emerged from the tent to find Aranon still sitting beside the dying fire. Good morning, he said way to cheerily for someone who was up all night. I wondered if he ever slept. Morning, I replied digging through my pack for Anchors version of toilet paper and hurriedly ran into the woods to relieve myself. When I returned, Aranon handed me my breakfast; one of the packages from my pack heated and poured into my kit bowl. It
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was sort of like oatmeal. Not bad though. So where is this bridge that I am supposed to cross? I asked, as I ate. I saw it on the map. It appears that you went around it. It seems that when you left the trail to find water, you bypassed the bridge. Your next goal is the old hospitality center that was built to feed and refresh the supplies of those who traveled between Top Side and Segundo Dome, back when there wasnt any atmosphere to speak of. He handed me what looked like a credit card. This is the key to the hospitality center. It has an airlock and an electronic activation system. When you place this card into the proper slot on the entry lock, it will turn on all of the systems, from power, to water, to air filtration. There is a synthesizer there from which you can order a meal of your choosing. We made sure that it was updated with your preferences and your voice print, so you will have no trouble using it. He winked at me. There is also a shower there, an old fashioned water shower, where you can luxuriate under a spray of steamy hot water. Thats enough right there to make me wana be there before night-fall. I said, imagining the hot water running on the back of my neck. You should be able to make it by then, but dont push
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yourself. Im already behind schedule, I said. Its already the third day and I am not even half way there! Remember, what I told you. It doesnt matter how long it takes, as long as you are well and you are willing to keep going. Everyone on the team knows where you are at the moment, and so they will not expect you until at least tomorrow night. Dont push yourself. Take time to review what you have learned as well as the struggles you have been through. Also take time to build a connection with The Source Of All Being. Dont worry about the path you will take. When you are ready, it will present itself and you will be comfortable with it. What if I meet another crazy person? I asked, still feeling a little frightened at the thought of reliving what I had been through the day before. Ah, yes, he said, pulling a polished oval stone, again from a secret pocket. Here is my Archanian communicator. Dont worry, he said when I started to ask how he would get my message when he was giving me his communicator. I have another, see? He pulled another from somewhere and smiled. If you run into something that you feel you cant handle, you call me. You can even show me what it is by turning the flat face toward whatever or whomever it is. If you feel that your life is in
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eminent danger, call Remmie and have her teleport you back to the Anchor rotunda. I know she has the coordinates. Thank you Aranon, I said, giving him a hug. Thanks for believing me and not shaming me for what happened. You just make sure that you dont shame yourself. You did what you had to do and you did it with consideration and great inner strength. I am so very proud of you. Consider the possibility that it is all right for you to be proud of yourself as well. You found yourself in a terrifying situation. You took advantage of the situation as soon as you could and you escaped unharmed, and without harming anyone else! That is quite a milestone, Christy. Think about that. Think about how far all of you have come, inside. You were able to do what you did yesterday, because you all helped each other, especially Kerry, who stood up for all of you, regardless of the possible repercussions. She is probably the one who told him she would shoot him if she saw him, he smiled. Tell them all how proud you are of them for helping you through that. You are a team now. Time to take the next step. Which is? I asked Which is another thing you need to think about and decide on. When you finish this quest, and are debriefed, it will be time for you to return to your native position. I am hoping that the
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person who goes back is better equipped to create a better life for herself and better equipped to find the help that she needs to do that. Again, Christy, it has always been up to you, but now you are seeing what that really means. It requires focus, determination, and love. Think on that. He kissed me on the forehead and then got up and strolled into the forest. I took down the tent and stowed it in my pack, cleaned my kit bowl with sand and stowed the kit. Then I hefted the pack onto my back and started walking toward the lake and the hospitality center. I knew that the lake would disappear from site soon, but for as long as I could I gazed upon its crystal blue brilliance. Finally, I entered the forest and everything changed. Now I needed to pay attention to my surroundings. I was very much aware that the Nolophan likes to live near water, and the closer I got, the more I had to be concerned about. They probably wouldnt bother me if I kept still, but they might bother Sam. One had already attacked him. He protected himself really well that time, but with two or more, he might be in real danger. Still, it was another beautiful day, the birds were singing and the sun dappled the path with shifting patterns of light. Again, as I walked I thought. I thought about what happened yesterday, and how well it had turned out. And I thought about how badly it could have gone. But it didnt.
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I thought about what the next step was. It probably had to do with what I was going to do when I got home. I suppose I should go to school. I should probably take some psychology classes. I suppose I would like to become a psychologist. But I would be a different kind of psychologist. I would help people regain their personal power. From a short distance away in the forest I heard a loud snarl. I looked around for Sam, but didnt see him. Then I heard the sounds of a catfight, with lots of snarling, growling and loud piercing cries. I was afraid for Sam. I inched off the path toward the sounds of the fight. The closer I got the louder it got and finally, I got down on all fours and crawled in behind some bushes where I could see what was happening without being seen. On the other hand, I was unsure whether I was upwind or down, which was important in remaining hidden. Animals have a powerful sense of smell. I licked my finger and held it up. I discovered from the cold side of my finger that I was down wind, which was just where I wanted to be. As I gazed upon the scene I saw several Kretchens in a rough circle around two that were standing, face to face, their tails swishing, emitting low growls. I had a feeling that one of the two was Sam. I didnt know why he would be fighting with his own
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kind, unless he was attempting to protect me. Suddenly the two cats launched themselves at one another, gripping one another with teeth and claws, spinning in mid air and then rolling on the ground, howling, screeching, growling and rolling around and around until they were a blur of fur and leaves and dust. My heart was pounding, for I didnt know which cat was which and feared for Sam, whom I had come to love. After about four or five minutes of this whirling blur of sound and motion, one of the cats broke away and ran up a tree. Now all the cats began yowling together, as they stood in a circle around the winner of the fight. The cat in the middle let loose with a remarkably loud roar and all the cats became silent. Then, the cat in the center left the circle and strolled right toward me! I didnt know what to do. I knew I couldnt outrun it, or the others for that matter, and I knew I was down wind, so it probably didnt smell me. I decided to do as the manual said and just sit very still. Nevertheless, the Kretchen kept coming, and finally, circling the bush behind which I was hiding, came right up to me, nuzzled me and purred loudly. I was sure it was Sam. He had a few scratches, and he was filthy, but for the most part he seemed to be intact. I gave him a pet and he leaned into it almost knocking me over. Were you protecting my honor, Sam? I whispered into his
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dusty ear. He responded with a quiet meow. Can I get out of here without being attacked? I asked. He gave another quiet meow. I got up and started as quietly as I could toward the path. As I walked, I noticed that the other cats were following and my heart began to pound. If they all attacked, not even good ol Sam could save me. Then, one at a time, the cats proceeded to approach me, and when they did, Sam stopped, so I did too. Then one of the cats rubbed against me and marked me and then moved on. After that all the cats, about twenty-five or thirty of them marked me and then disappeared into the forest. Sam started toward the path again and I followed. I smiled to myself. Now I didnt have to worry about the Nolophans. After reaching the path and getting back into the rhythm of the hike, my mind wandered back to what I wanted to do with my life. What I really wanted was to stay here and be trained to do what Aranon does, but that was out of the question, because then my family and my neighbors would be in danger. And I had to go pretty soon, because Aranon as explained: The bodys molecular signature changes, as ones environment changes. The longer you stay in a specific environment, the more that environment becomes a part of your molecular signature. This is because ones body is always exchanging atomic particles with its
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environment. Eventually, all of the particles from your previous environment are exchanged for particles of your present environment, permanently changing your molecular signature. Once that happens, you cant go back, not to the exact spot from which you were retrieved, or the results could cause a time rift. Im not sure why this is. I will have to ask Aranon. So, I had to go back, and I had to decide what it was I wanted to do with my life. Most assuredly I wanted to find help, so that I could continue my recovery. I also wanted to help other people find their way to recovery too. I knew that somehow I had to learn how to help my people, the people of Earth, and hopefully help my planet to avoid the approaching catastrophe that will not only wipe out Earth but a good portion of the surrounding Galaxy. And from what I have learned during my stay here, I can say with confidence that it is all about the way people think and what people are willing to believe. I have come to realize that, for me, religion isnt the answer. The answer lies in my willingness to cultivate my own personal connection with the Source of All Being. This is a personal journey, based upon my experiences, in this life as well as in past ones. I am the sum total of all I have ever been. Once, I was part of the Source. That connection is still within me. Opening that connection must be an act of free will. But first I
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must believe that it is possible, that it has a purpose, and that its purpose is to assist me in remembering who I really am. Nevertheless, before that can happen, I have to be willing to let go of all my childish ideas and all my outmoded and selfdestructive beliefs. I have to be willing to see my part in all of my pain, all of my traumas, and all the abuse. I have to be willing to forgive those who have harmed me, and to forgive myself for all of the harm I have caused in the lives of others. I am sure that taking back my personal power; both symbolically and in real life, had helped me greatly. When I stepped out of the victim role; into the role of an assertive, selfassured person able to make clear-cut decisions and establish clear boundaries, and enforce them when necessary; I also stepped out of my fear and shame. I think that when we feel our own power, our own inner strength, our fear and shame just melts away like ice cream in the sun. I looked up and saw that one of the suns was high in the sky and decided to take a break and eat something. I also decided that I wanted to give myself some live food and so I searched in my immediate area for some of the edible plants that were in my manual. I found one not far from the path and picked some of the leaves and put them in my mouth. After about three chews I spit them out. YUCK! That was the bitterest stuff Ive ever tasted! After
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that, I decided that one of the food pouches would be just fine, thank you. After eating I started out on the path again, hoping to make the hospitality center before sundown. Nevertheless, before I had traveled too far I met another individual coming toward me on the path. I wasnt sure that I wanted to meet this person, in view of the experiences of yesterday. I called Sam and he came to my side, bumping his head against my leg. The individual had the size and form of an Earther, but this one was wearing a robe with a hood, like the little gray Sage that I met on the first day. Maybe Guides and Sages wore robes so youd know who they were? As I stood there with Sam beside me, the individual, possibly a Sage, didnt seem to be deterred, and continued to move toward us. Sam let out a low growl but kept his position. I have come to assist you, said the man, stopping about ten feet from us. I will remain still so that you and your Kretchen might approach me. If your Kretchen accepts me, then I will invite you to my dwelling for refreshment and discussion. The voice was soft and gentle. Okay, I said and started toward him, Sam followed. As I approached him Sam sniffed him, looked at me and then rubbed up against him.
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Will you accompany me to my dwelling? He asked, reaching down and petting Sam. That depends, I said. I have some personal boundaries that you will have to respect. I agree, tell me what they are. I need to be treated with respect. I am not a sex toy, and I deserve to be treated as an intelligent human being. You can call me Kerry, or you can call me Christy, but you may not call me bitch. I think I glared at him while I awaited his response. I wanted him to know that I would protect myself and not back down. I agree to your terms, he said, bowing, and a hint of humor traversed his face. Come, I will take you to my dwelling. He turned and started back up the path, as Sam and I followed. After about a five-minute walk we turned off the path onto one that was smaller although well worn as it wound through the trees. After another few minutes we came upon a house made of stone. It wasnt a dome, it was more like a normal house, but then that made sense because this was probably an Earther. He opened the door for me and I went in, and so did Sam, which didnt seem to perturb the Guide. At Least, I supposed he was a Guide. Why dont you have a seat, he said, waving at a rustic
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looking couch. The front door entered into the living room of the house, which was sparsely and rustically furnished. An easy chair sat perpendicular to the couch. Between the chair and far end of the couch was a table upon which sat an old fashioned lantern. On the opposite side of the room was a hearth, which was clean of all ashes and stacked with a fresh fire build. I sat down on the couch and Sam lay down on the floor beside me, once again it seems, taking his job seriously. I still couldnt understand why he hadnt protected me yesterday. The Guide went into the other room, and shortly returned with a tray that he set on the table between the couch and the chair. On the tray were pieces of cake and cups of hot tea. I was thirsty so I took a cup of tea. The cake looked real, not synthesized. I took a piece and a small dish to put it on. I sipped the tea and it was delicious, but I have no idea what kind of tea it was. The cake was like the crumb cake my mom used to make. It was good too! Thank you, I said, this is wonderful cake and the tea is delicious! I am gratified that you find it pleasing, He replied, smiling softly. So, I said, after swallowing a bite of cake with a sip of tea. Why am I here with you?
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To resolve an inner conflict, maybe? He asked, his face pensive. I dont know, I said. I suppose I have a lot of inner conflicts. Nothing comes to mind at the moment. Do you live here? Yes. Why? Why do you want to live all alone in the woods? Because it affords me the opportunity to do my work. What is you work? I am a Weaver In The Light. I go into deep meditation three times a day to assist Humanity in uncovering its true potential. Yes, I could do this on Earth, but my time was cut short there, so they have provided me this space to accomplish my chosen task. Do you think you are having any effect? I asked, naively. I do not do this work alone, and yes, I think that I and my fellow Weavers In The Light are making a difference. What exactly does a Weaver In The Light do? I asked. We go into deep meditation and hook up with other Weavers, and then together we build thought forms that will assist the race of Man in awakening to a greater awareness. What are thought forms? I asked. When I say love, what do you think of? Quick now, mustnt think too long about it.
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My first thought was of a boy and a girl kissing, I replied. Yes, and that is the prevailing racial thought form for love in your time. It is difficult, therefore, for the average individual to visualize love as anything more than a romantic exchange. Can you visualize love as being something more than a romantic exchange? Sure, I said. I see love as caring, nurturing, unconditional and accepting. I figured everyone did. No, you are quite unusual for your time. Let me ask you something. Sure, I said, feeling very comfortable and accepted. Can you visualize love as being in the air you breathe, the sun that shines on you, the water you drink, the food you eat, and the experiences you encounter? Yes, I replied, feeling good about my answer, and then after a thought flashed through my mind about yesterday, I amended the response. Well, I didnt see it in my experiences until I came here, to Anchor. And I dont see it in an experience that happened yesterday, I mean I would be really hard-pressed to see any love in that at all. Tell me about the experience, he said, his eyes probing me. I felt uncomfortable discussing it. I could tell Aranon,
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because he had heard worse, but I didnt know this man. I didnt know if telling about the incident was a good idea. I mean I was out in the wilderness in a rock house with a man that had been living alone for a long time, it seemed. To discuss it might even be considered provocative. Being provocative is what led me into my previous abuses. No, Id rather not. I think we are just gonna have to discuss this generically. I understand, he replied, with a knowing look on his face. I think I have an idea about what it involved. Although I must say that there is no need for you to feel uncomfortable or ashamed. Okay, I said. Can we move on here? I was uncomfortable. I wasnt ashamed. I just wanted to get on to something else. Your boundaries were a dead giveaway, by the way. He smiled and winked. Thanks, I said snidely. Are you going to honor them? Of course, he grinned. He had lowered his hood and he was a very handsome man. Maybe he was in his mid to late thirties. He had curly blond hair and deep blue eyes. He was clean-shaven and seemed in good physical shape. I am here to guide only. I seek nothing for myself. Oh yeah, I said, Ive heard that one before. Three
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ordained ministers of the faith, two psychologists, a teacher, a child protective services agent and a medical doctor told me the same thing. I am sure you can see why I am not anxious to discuss provocative experiences. Yes, he replied, as a visage of shock flashed across his face. I really do understand. He shifted position and looked at me face on. I am sure that you have become aware of the fact that continuing to draw unwanted experiences is both behavioral and karmic, so I wont go into that. Acceptance and forgiveness are the next step in putting a stop to these experiences. I got that. I have done the forgiveness thing, and even felt the weight of my guilt and shame lift from me. In fact, I was led to believe that I would never have to face abuse again unless it was my choice. This experience came out of nowhere, for seemingly no reason. I didnt draw it by my behavior, it was not my choice to experience it, but I almost gave into it because of past experience. I didnt deserve that and I find it difficult to accept it. No, you didnt deserve it, at least not on this level and therefore, you found it difficult to accept. So you are saying that on some other level, I drew it to myself? How could it be any other way? The law is, we only draw to us what is ours.
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Why would I draw that? I had made a pact with myself never to go back there again. We were told that we were released from our karma as long as we didnt go back there again. We had gone through all of our experiences and had forgiven those whod hurt us. We had forgiven all our abusers, from the beginning, and accepted the truth that we had generated our own abuse throughout all our lifetimes by our behavior, by our mistaken beliefs. What more IS there? Does this just go on and on? Sometimes, you are not the originator of the experience. Sometimes things happen that are not your karma. How you handle them determines whether or not they will become your karma. I was told that I handled it well. But I still see it as lacking in love. Ah, he said, and his face lit up with the realization that we had come full circle. Did you learn something valuable from the experience? Yes, I said truthfully. I learned that I could stand up for myself and take my power back. I learned that acceptance doesnt mean letting people take advantage of you. I learned that it is okay to protect myself. Then there was love in the experience, he responded. Love comes from the Source of All Being. The more we are open
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to the Source the more we are open to the Love that flows through our lives from the Source. Love guides and protects, Love moves away from violence into forgiveness. Love also teaches and tests. Love nurtures, even as it tests and teaches. Love also sends support, as well as expansion of awareness, to the degree that we are willing to expand our awareness, through acceptance and forgiveness. So the key to my feelings about yesterday, are forgiveness and a willingness to accept to an expansion in awareness? You are a very quick study, my lady. Are you willing? Well sure! I exclaimed. I just want to get past this fear. I really want to be done with it, you know? Will you pray with me? Jeeze, I donno, Im not a praying type person. Is it mandatory? Of course not. What you need to do is to visualize the love, the acceptance, and the forgiveness in the experience. When you have completed those visualizations, in your own mind, driven by the convictions of your own heart, and have accepted the lesson and opened to the flow of Love through your life, a new awareness will become apparent to you. Okay, Ill do that. Do you mind if I just think about this and look at it all in my mind for a while? I mean not talk or discuss
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anything, just sit quietly? Of course. I call that meditation. I will join you. Okay, I replied, closing my eyes. I looked at the incident as though it was not a planned event. I realized that I didnt generate the circumstances either through my thoughts or my actions. I realized that I had the power to stop the karma right here. All I had to do was to forgive the man, realizing that his mind was disturbed, and his choices were based upon his distorted reality, which in turn was based on his distorted past experiences. I visualized an injured child, abandoned by those he trusted, and treated with impersonal precision by those assigned to managing his life since then. I imagined that he had been hurt, deeply. I realized that his threat of sexual abuse grew out of his distortions and not simply because he was evil. I could see myself forgiving him, hoping that he got help, caring about his welfare. I opened to the Love and focused it on him. I let it flow through me, to him. I visualized him lighting up with that love and finding forgiveness within himself, as I had. Then the Love began to pour through me, filling me, cleansing me of fear and anger, releasing me from any further karma with this man and opening me to the vision of a time when individuals are assisted in ending the cycle of abuse through an
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understanding of forgiveness. Then I saw another vision. A vision of world powers and their armies refusing to retaliate, willing only to contain violence and assist the wounded, and the dispossessed in obtaining what they required to survive, what they required to create a meaningful life. In this vision I saw that there would come a time when life becomes more precious than honor. There will come a time when Humanity is more interested in helping one another than in dominating one another. I saw all of this in the time it takes to take a breath. I opened my eyes and saw the Guide nodding and smiling. I believe you have connected with the meaning of Love and the progression of truth, he said. I know that I connected with hope for Humanity. I replied. I think I have a better understanding of Love. Come, he said, smiling brightly, I will show you back to the path you were following. He got up and replaced his hood and started for the door. I got up and followed. He led Sam and I back to the path to the hospitality center. The suns were getting low in the sky. I was concerned that I would not make it before dark. You will reach your destination in less than an hour if you keep to this path. He smiled and then gave me a proper hug. Go
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with Love.
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Forty-Nine
As I walked along the path I thought about my experience with the human Guide. I thought about the vision I had, where humanity decides to help one another instead of dominating one another. I wondered if this was a thought form and if the Guide had given it to me so that I could join in and help build that tapestry of light that the Weavers In the Light are working on. I decided that I would keep visualizing that picture and filling it with my love and hope, and that I would work toward bringing it about throughout my life. As I walked I could see glimpses of the lake through the
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trees, sparking blue and expanding beyond my vision through the trees. The wind had picked up and the trees were roaring overhead, and the sun was sitting on the horizon, glaring into my eyes. As I continued to follow the narrow path, I could see a building in the distance. This had to be the Hospitality Center. I had made it, and before sunset too! When I was just a short distance away, I took off my pack and pulled out the flashlight so that I could find the card that turns on the lights and opens the doors. As I was searching, the lights came on. This didnt seem to be a good sign. I packed up my stuff and moved to the cover of the trees. I didnt know what to do, other than just wait and watch. Sam joined me in my vigil. After about five minutes, the door opened and Aranon stepped out. Christy? Are you out there? I stepped out from behind the trees and started toward him feeling both relieved and upset at the same time. You scared the heck outa me! I said as I approached the light. Why give me a key if you didnt intend for me to use it? First of all, I discovered that the key you received probably wont work, but lets try it and see, Okay? Ill go inside and shut everything down and you try the card. He stepped back inside and turned off the power. I tried the door and it was locked. I pulled the flashlight and the card from my pack and tried it in the
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slot beside the door. Nothing happened. I turned the card over and tried it again, nothing. I turned it around and tried again, nothing. I knocked on the door. The lights went on and the door unlocked with a snick. I opened the door and went inside. You were right, it doesnt work, I said. Thanks for being here to open up for me. Sam and I entered into a long hallway. It was warm and bright inside the Hospitality Center. It had a large kitchen, dining room and several bedrooms. The furniture ranged from large to small, and there was a build for a fire in the hearth at the end of the dining room. Youre welcome, he said as he lit the fire. I felt you would be really disappointed if you didnt get the opportunity to synthesize the meal of your dreams. He looked up and smiled as flames licked up from the kindling in the hearth. He tossed a log on when the kindling was going well and closed the fancy brass fire screen. Not to mention the chance to take a real shower and to sleep in a bed for the first time in days! I added, feeling happy to see him. I met another Guide today. He was human, and he was nice. Oh, good! What did you talk about? He pulled two chairs, one large and one small, in front of the fire. Have a seat and tell me about it.
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I told him my boundaries when we met on the road, and he agreed to treat me with respect and to not call me bitch. At this point Aranon laughed so loudly that it started me. Whats so funny? I asked, taken aback by his reaction. Oh, Christy, he said, calming himself. I find the thought of that confrontation very humorous. Its all right, its not that you did the wrong thing by establishing your boundaries, but your choice of words... He continued to chuckle. So how was I supposed to make sure that he was safe to be with? Boundaries are generally established through questions. You find out about the individual, who they are, what they want, what they are doing there. If the individual is either vague or overly demonstrative, you avoid them, as they are either unable or unwilling to communicate their intentions or they have a hidden agenda which may or may not be based in the best of intentions. On the other hand, if they sneak up behind you and hold a gun on you, none of that will be of any value. In fact it will probably irritate the gun wielder. I replied, feeling disheartened that I had done the wrong thing and needing to express my frustration. Then, I realized that what I had said probably wasnt such a good idea. Saying I am not a sex toy and telling him not to call me bitch, sure could make a lonely man think about things Id
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rather he didnt, wouldnt it? Jeeze, in my effort to protect myself, I was provocative instead. It takes time to learn a new way of thinking and interacting with people, especially strangers. You did the best you knew how at that time. The Source knew that and sent you a benign being who was willing to allow you your boundaries. He smiled at me. I think you will be needing two more days to complete your quest. I had hoped that I would be completing it tonight, but I am only half way arent I? This made me feel even more disheartened. I guess my face showed it. You do have the option of completing it here and now, He replied, looking me in the eye. Im really tempted. I need to prepare to go home. Im past most of my fear, and I have discovered a lot about myself and I think its time I went home. I looked right back at him. Okay. Would you like to return to Anchor station? Do you think I got what I needed from this? Please tell me, honestly. I really value your opinion. Yes. I do. He nodded and gave me a questioning look. Do you feel you have? I feel I have completed what I needed to do. If I stop now it wont be admitting failure, would it? No, you have definitely not failed. If you stop here, you have
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completed what you set out to do as far as Im concerned. Can we stay a while? I asked. I love this place, the fire, the rustic atmosphere. I still havent had my dream dinner yet. Absolutely! He replied, chuckling. Well go when youre ready. I got up and programmed a meal of Southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and green peas. I carried my meal to the table and sat down to eat it. As I was eating, Sam began to meow. Well of course! I need to give you your dream dinner too! I got up and programmed the same thing for Sam. When it arrived I set it down on the floor for him. It was hot but that didnt seem to deter him from grabbing a piece of chicken and darting into a corner to eat it. I resumed my meal as Aranon sat, seemingly resting, by the fire. When I finished I joined him, and then Sam joined us curling up on the rug in front of the fire. The picture would probably be something of a cross between a Norman Rockwell painting and a Bizarro comic strip. So what did you learn from the guide you met today? Asked Aranon. I learned to see the love even in what happened yesterday. That will be a valuable capability as you resume your life
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back home, he smiled. His eyes were closed. They found the man, by the way, and he is getting some much needed assistance. How did he get out there? Had he been treated at Anchor station? Didnt it take? Actually, he was among a group of new arrivals that were being taken on a tour of Top Side, and he escaped from the team. He is going to get the help he needs and he will be given every opportunity to complete his reorientation. Still, its his choice. If he chooses not to complete the reorientation process, he will be placed on one of our colony planets, to live out his life in a semi supervised settlement. Nevertheless, we will continue to attempt to help him. Im glad to hear that. I was hoping that he would get help. Is there any chance I can talk to him before I go? You would be willing to do that? He asked, his eyes opening wide, obviously taken aback by my statement. Yes. I need to tell him that I forgive him and that I hope that he lets you help him. That would be wonderful, Christy! I am certain that doing that will help him to choose a better life. That would be neat, wouldnt it? I mean, if I could make a difference in someone elses life?
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Yes, Christy, it would. You have a lot to offer to others. I am hoping that you will choose a path that gives you the opportunity to help others. I know you would be very good at it. I wish I could stay here and learn what you do, Aranon. I looked into the fire as a tear slid down my cheek. I always seemed to want the impossible. Cant you pick me up, like, on a given day and time, away from everything, so there wouldnt be any witnesses? I mean, cant you just come get me after a while? Its possible. It would have to be presented to the Brotherhood. It is not something we ordinarily do. No, because everyone you work with here has to stay whether they like it or not. And the ones that you send back, theyve been trained and are supposed to function on their own. But I was an accident. I think I deserve special consideration. You could be correct. Nevertheless, it will have to be presented to the Brotherhood, and that could take a fair amount of time. Oh, come on, Aranon! Time doesnt mean anything to the Brotherhood! You guys can go anywhere, any when. Just give me a date and time. We can decide on a place. I can come back and get trained to do what you do. More likely, you will come back to complete your reorientation, and then get training, He smiled and winked.
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Id agree to that, as long as I could go visit Remmie now and then. And, as long as you were my facilitator. I smiled and winked back. That is a given, he smiled. Once your facilitator, always your facilitator. Can we spend the night here? Id like to go to sleep in a bed, listening to the wind in the trees and smelling the scents of nature. Like I said, whenever you are ready to go we go. I think spending the night here would be a great idea. Then, I can tell you the history of Midway, which is what the Hospitality Center was once called. Id like that, I replied, smiling. Why was Segundo Dome built? Because a specific mineral deposit was found near there, and in order to mine it properly, we needed a place for the miners to live. In fact, the mine is still functioning but now we have other means through which to connect Segundo with Top Side and Alpha Domes. Was there any atmosphere when Midway was built? Very little which is why there are airlocks at each of the entryways. They are no longer necessary, of course, but back then they were. As the atmosphere became more and more
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breathable, Midway became more of a tourist center than just a place to pick up supplies and take a rest before continuing on to Segundo. That was when an Earther built the fireplace and replaced the airtight view ports with windows that could be opened. He promoted it as a vacation resort, bringing in entertainment and Chefs who created some of the most delicious cuisine on the planet. So you didnt have synthesizers back then? I asked. Yes, but the chefs would only synthesize the basic components of the recipes that they developed, in the raw. Then they would cook them in the traditional Earther way, combining ingredients and cooking them together so that the food took on flavors that were astounding! No matter how hard we tried, we could not duplicate the flavors of that food with a synthesizer. For a while this was the hottest tourist site on the planet. What ended it? I asked. The Earther who started it all was transferred to another site, where his talents were needed. Unfortunately, he had never trained anyone to take his place. There was no one who knew how to run a resort and manage the chefs and the cuisine. It was sure wonderful while it lasted though! Surely, with all of the people that you have transferred to Anchor there must be someone else who would know how to do
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this. Why havent you encouraged someone else to try their hand at it? So far we have found no one who had Jakes capacity to develop recipes, manage the Chefs, manage entertainers, keep track of the maintenance, and advertise in a way that drew people out of the domes in spite of their fear of the wild. We have a difficult time convincing newcomers as well as seasoned residents of the domes to explore the planet and enjoy the beauty and the challenge of the wilder portions of the Anchor. So many of those we transfer these days find it difficult to give up their conveniences in order to enjoy the more rustic parts of the planet. You know, I have a feeling that the guy who threatened to sexually molest me has some of those qualities. You might consider pointing him in that direction once he completes his reorientation. He could be a wildlife guide and a survival teacher as well. I mean obviously he was out in the wilds for some time before you became aware of him. As far as survival is concerned, I know he has it together. I dont know if he knows anything about cooking, but he could sure teach survival classes and lead groups through the forest. This could become a half way point again for survival classes, you know? Thats an intriguing idea, he replied, with a gentle smile. I
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am encouraged by the fact that you would think of him in such a way as to assist in channeling his talents like that. It tells me that you have dealt with the experience in an enlightened frame of mind and desire only to assist him, instead of simply retaliating against him for what he did to you. It tells me that you have come a long way. I have come to see the love in what happened. What he did is just part of who he is at this time. I am sure that when he can see beyond his own traumas and distortions he will be a very special person. I understand now that he is only driven by his past. How long was he out there, surviving in the wild? I am sorry to say that it has been nearly fifteen years. It would seem that we would have found him by now, doesnt it? Wow! I exclaimed. Fifteen years! Golly, what survival skills he must have! He avoided the Nolophans, the Molshics and the Codgers. He must have learned what is edible, and he must have gotten close to the Kretchens, for they are the only ones who could have protected him. Which explains why he was able to survive so long and probably why Sam didnt protect me from him. Sam has probably marked him, and maybe even given himself to him as he did to me. Maybe he was a native of this planet, in a former life, as I was. Now there is a possibility, replied Aranon, grinning. I will
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keep that in mind. So, I said, there must be something that happened that scared everyone into not coming back out here. What was it? Your capacity for perceiving things beyond what is offered, what is apparent, is unique, he said, with a solemn face. And then nodding he said; Yes, there was a series of events that finally sealed Midways fate. Was it less than fifteen years ago? I asked. Ah, he said. You are making connections that we were unable to make back then. As a matter of fact yes. There were a lot of strange occurrences at that time, and yes, it was about fifteen years ago when the occurrences began. What happened? Well, first, things began to disappear from the patrons luggage, and then female visitors and children began to disappear from the center, and their bodies were never found. We assumed that the disappearances were the result of wild animals that were encroaching on the area. You see when Jake was here, he spent a lot of time communing with the animals and offering them food on a regular basis, so we assumed that when he was no longer meeting their needs, that they began to target patrons to meet them. Now, there is an alternative explanation for the disappearances.
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Oh my, I said. I hope it wasnt the guy that attacked me! I hope he didnt create that kind of karma for himself! It is quite possible that it was him, and from what we found in his cave, it would seem that he has been collecting things from unwary travelers for some time. Nevertheless, he has the opportunity to free himself from his past distortions, if he is willing to complete reorientation. But, wont he have to stand trial for what he did? I asked. His reorientation will be his trial, and his punishment will be the pain and the remorse he will feel in contacting those transgressions with the full knowledge of what he did. But dont you have the death penalty for those who abuse and kill others for their own pleasure? For what purpose? If he works through the karma of those experiences, and is aware that at some point he will have to undergo experiences that compare with those he perpetrated, what would be the point? We will be assisting him in recognizing and experiencing the pain that he has caused others. The pain that he will have to undergo in order to bring balance to his karmic debt will be more than enough. Why would we want to become involved in his karma? To get it over with, so that in his next life he could move on to better things? I asked.
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Ah, but he may have the capacity to get on to better things in this life, why generate even more Karma? I thought that if someone killed someone, and was put to death for that crime, that their karma was taken care of. No, if I harmed you, and someone else harmed me in response to that, then the one who harmed me would be responsible for that karma, and I would still be responsible for the karma I generated with you. The death penalty only serves to assuage the pain of the survivors of those who have been harmed. It doesnt fulfill the karma. Karma is a one-on-one thing. It requires that an individual repay their debt to only those they owe that debt to. A state execution cannot balance an individuals Karma. A saying on your planet covers this with a truth that many are unable to connect with. Two wrongs dont make a right. So those who are put to death for murder still have a karmic debt to the one they killed? Yes. You see, Nature, Natural Law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction in order to maintain balance. The only way out of the action-reaction cycle is to add the spiritual components of unconditional love and forgiveness. Ending the cycle depends on the willingness of the victims to forgive. When the State steps in and punishes the perpetrator, it doesnt end the karmic cycle, but, in fact, it broadens it.
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Governments who enforce the death penalty generally have ever increasing crime rates, when compared to those who do not. The reason for this is that past life perpetrators are continually drawn into the system in an effort to balance the scales. The result of this practice is an ever-growing, evermore violent criminal community. Jeeze, that is exactly what is going on in my country today, or at least the today that I was in before I came here. It will get much worse before your criminal system changes. It will take someone who understands the principles of karma to develop a criminal education program that will make a significant enough difference to be adopted by the system. It will happen, but it will not happen for a while, in your time. What will it take to bring it about? I asked thinking I might somehow be able to help it along when I got back. The realization that all criminal behavior is evidence of mental illness; the enactment of congressional bills that address the basis of mental illness and proven recovery methods. Statistics on pilot programs that are presently running in a few maximum-security prisons and are highly successful in generating major emotional and mental shifts in the participants. The realization that inmates who graduate the program must be released together and kept together so that they can continue to
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nurture and support one another in outside situations. The recognition that there is a need to establish public self-help centers where rehabilitated offenders can assist those who are caught in the web of offending and get paid for it. What is needed are those who are willing to take a chance on establishing foundations and corporations based on utilizing the skills of these graduates in curbing the tide of crime and the thought processes that generate crime. Who should know best other then those who have been there, those who have done those things? I see your point. In Phoenix, there is this place called Terros that is staffed by people who are rehabilitated drug users. I used to volunteer there for a while. These are the kind of things that will curb the crime. That and making child care mandatory. When all children are raised in a common environment, filled with love and support from those who truly desire to raise and support children, the children will excel in the humanities, and this will eventually put an end to most crime. Most crime? For some time there will continue to be those who have become emotionally and spiritually twisted. Eventually, there will be a racial expansion in consciousness, and again, children will be reared by their birth parents and still excel. But there will be
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great turmoil until then. This is in my future? I asked. Until you step back into it, yes. Once you rejoin the flow of life, the flow of time, things will change. You have learned much here, and thats bound to be noticed at some point, by someone. When that happens, things will change. You will be there, so you wont see it like I will. How will you see it? I asked. As a beautiful ripple of light, flowing across space and time, shifting and changing the thought-forms and events that could have been and yet, because of your insight and your determination, are soon to be forgotten. I see you as making a difference. I dont know, I said, I still have a lot to work through. But what I envision says you will, and that in doing so, you will make a difference. But this is just your vision, not reality at this time, huh? I looked at him sideways thinking he was just trying to make me feel important. No one can know what will be until you are returned to your native position. Even what appears to be the future will change, if you make a difference. I believe that you will make a difference. Well, dont be too disappointed if I dont provide you with the
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desired light show, I said. I think I will take a shower and go to bed. Good night Aranon. I got up and let Sam outside for the night. Then I wandered down the hall that I had investigated earlier. I stopped at the room that I had chosen and dropped my pack on the floor by the bed. I pulled out a change of clothes and went in search of the bathroom. Upon finding the bathroom I enjoyed using the facilities, and stood for more than fifteen minutes under a hot shower, letting the pulsing water relieve all the pains and release all the kinks from my muscles. After dressing I went back to the room I had chosen. I closed the door and then drew back the covers and fell into the bed, fully clothed. The covers were almost as warm as my sleeping bag! I fell asleep listening to the wind and smelling the rain that approached on the wind.
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Fifty
The next morning after breakfast Aranon led me to a vehicle that he had stashed behind the Hospitality Center. From there, we started out for Segundo, because Aranon said that it was closer than Top Side. This made me feel good because, in a way, I would be completing my trek even though I got to ride in a vehicle for the last third of it. We took the path I had been following, having been made for vehicles much like this one. Nevertheless, it was a bumpy ride and in some places the path was almost impassable, but we always seemed to make it through. Sam followed us most of the way but as we came over the last rise on our way down to Segundo he disappeared. I felt sad about that because I never got to give him a proper goodbye.
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I could see Segundo from the top of the mountain, but as we got down into the trees again, I lost site of it. It was at least as large as Top Side. I was starting to get antsy, wanting to be there already, like a little kid on a vacation. Are we there yet? I assume they know we are coming? I stated. The team? He asked, swerving to miss a large bolder that had rolled onto the path. Yes, they know. Feeling anxious to get back? Yeah, I guess I am. Have you given any thought to what you want to do when you get back to your native position? I know I want to help people. I suppose I will go back to school and get a degree in psychology. It all depends on whether I can work for my dad or not. Before I can do anything I will have to get a job. Sounds like you took my advice and gave it some thought. Ill be keeping tabs on you, you know. Oh yeah? Why dont you just give me a date and time, like I said, and pick me up? Then you wont have to worry about me. First of all, said Aranon, slowing. I will not be worried about you, I will be keeping tabs on you. There is a difference. Second, I would like nothing better than to drop you off and then come right back and pick you up in a harmless fashion.
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Unfortunately, I cant do that. We have to see how your reinsertion affects the time line and future events. If it causes significant changes, then we will have to leave you there, because you will be a necessary component in that change. Maybe things change, because you come and get me in a month, and then return me after a month on your side, to my native position. Then you come back and get me again in another month and you keep this up, you know, until I have a handle on who I really am and what I am all about. My family would see a rather dramatic change, but it wouldnt be too dramatic. Personally, I think thats whats supposed to happen. I gave him a playfully smug look and then stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed. Hmm, you present what appears to be a workable plan there. I think that you should present it to Dorn. He grinned back at me. Well then, I will. I know I am not ready yet to do any great things. Im still working on getting everyone in my system on the same page. I dont know how long it will take for me to work through my remaining emotional problems, but I am aware that they are not gone yet. If I am going to make any kind of difference, I am going to need help in working through my disability. I dont know how long that will take back on Earth, but I
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am pretty certain that I will not be able to get the help that I would be able to get here. I mean, what if I cant get the help that I need until I am in my fifties? Look at all the good I could have done if I had gotten it now, in my twenties. You make a good case, He said, smiling, and then he gave me a wink. Does that mean that Dorn might go for it? I asked, hopefully. I dont know, but I certainly would, he chuckled. I smiled to myself, and visualized Dorn agreeing as well. Suddenly, I felt more relaxed, more confident. I knew I was not going to be abandoned back on Earth. I knew that I would continue to get opportunities to get help and to grow. At this point we emerged from the forest onto a grassy plane, and the Segundo Dome loomed large on the horizon. Shortly after that we pulled on to what looked like a highway leading to the dome. In less than five minutes we were there, traveling at speeds that exceeded any freeway speeds on earth. Aranon pulled up to the airlock and a guard came out and got into the vehicle as we got out. He drove it away as Aranon and I entered Segundo Dome. Why dont we stop for lunch before going back to Top Side? Said Aranon, as he led me through the Segundo Town
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Square. You mean like at a restaurant? Why would you have restaurants when everyone can get exactly what they want from their synthesizers? Sometimes people want to be with other people, meet with friends, or find new friends. Sometimes people like to gather and share one anothers victories. It is a common practice in most sentient societies. Ive never thought about it like that, I said. I guess youre right. He led me to what looked like an old English pub. It looked as though it was mostly made of wood; the door was thick wood with four small panes of glass in it. Inside it was dimly lit, with defused light. I could see that there were many people inside, but I couldnt see an available table. I figured we would have to wait to be seated, but Aranon led me through the crowd of people and to a table on what appeared to be a raised platform. We stepped up and rounded the table and Aranon pulled out a chair for me. Suddenly the lights went up and everyone in the room stood applauding and cheering. Then a spot light shone on me and everyone sang a unique version of For Hes A Jolly Good Fellow. For Christys A Jolly Good Quester For Christys a jolly good Quester
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For Christys a jolly good Quester That, nobody can deny!! I must have looked like the proverbial deer in the headlights. I certainly was not expecting a surprise party. I mean, well, I didnt walk the entire distance. I was still struggling with my sense of failure. Nevertheless, here were all these people, giving me a party. At least I had come to believe it was for me. I think about now you might want to say something, Aranon whispered in my ear when the singing stopped. Im still not convinced that I deserve this, but I really want to thank all of your for your support and your kindness. I sat down in my chair, folded my hands in my lap and looked out at the people in the room. Aranon pulled out his chair and sat down. Well, that was brief, he said, smiling a gentle smile. What would you like to eat? A Cheese burger and potato chips. I said, not really giving it much thought. I suppose the request came from someone else inside, probably Lynn. I smiled at my vision of her trying to get her mouth around an old-fashioned cheeseburger. Coming up, he said, picking up a device that looked like a mini telephone from a cradle on the table and ordered my cheeseburger and the same thing for himself. That surprised me.
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I thought you were vegetarian, I said. I am. There is no meat in the burger it just tastes like it. I am curious about the taste, and I dont think I have ever experienced potato chips. He grinned. So you are still unconvinced that you deserve a party? Well, its nice. Im just not sure I really finished it, you know? Yes, I know, this has been bothering you since last night. But here you are, in Segundo, having dinner at The Boars Head, surrounded by your friends and supporters, even though you havent met many of them. You completed what you set out to do, which was to go on a vision quest and reclaim your personal power. It was to take three to four days, and would end here, at Segundo. I think you completed the parameters of your quest and then some. He put his arm around me and gave me a gentle hug. I guess so. I just feel as though Im coping out. Like I should have walked the distance. Would you like me to take you back up there so that you can walk down? No. I replied, sullenly. Why not? Because I have decided to go back. Ive decided I need to get on with my life. And I want to talk to Dorn about my plan, so
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that I can get on with my life while still obtaining the help I need to be successful at it. I think your quest continues. I think you have completed this part of it, by reclaiming your personal power and taking your life back. Your tenacity about remaining here, studying here, and your desire to work with us to assist your society, already has Dorns attention. I am certain that he will see the feasibility of your plan. And of course I will recommend that he give it a try, he winked. Thanks Aranon, I smiled at him, grateful that he was supporting me and my decisions. At this point our cheeseburgers were served, and I could feel Lynn right there, her little hands just beneath mine as I picked it up and took a bite. She rolled my eyes and then we grabbed some chips, stuffed them in our mouth and was in heaven. Um, said Lynn, a look of sheer joy on her face. Yes, replied Aranon, it is quite tasty. He smiled at her. She smiled back and batted her eyes at him. Then someone tinked a piece of silverware against a glass and the room became quiet. A woman stood up and faced the table where Aranon and I sat. My name is Valerie Hutchinson, Christy and I would like to say that to me you are an inspiration and I feel really honored to be a part of the team that facilitated your Quest.
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Thank you, Valerie, I replied, putting down the cheeseburger. Can I ask you why you feel that I am an inspiration? Well, with all that you have been through in your life, and then to be attacked while on your quest, and your willingness to continue and to forgive the man, I mean, its really awesome. I guess I am sort of an open book to these people, huh, I said to Aranon, quietly. Yes, he replied around a bite of burger, while nodding his head. Thanks again, Valerie. I appreciate the support you have given. What did you do, by the way, as part of the team? I asked. I was one of the ones who monitored your whereabouts. She replied. And how was it that you were unable to monitor my whereabouts when I was being attacked? Im glad you asked that, she replied, smiling. I am sure that you would like to know why that happened. We didnt know until today what caused that gap in our reception. You see, Mr. Kruger is a rather gifted electronics expert. He knew that we could find him by doing bioscans, so he built an instrument that scrambled all bioscan probes for a radius of about a quarter mile around his cave. When you left our scan, we searched for you,
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but because you were within the radius of the scrambler, we saw nothing. It was as if you had either disappeared or teleported. We actually didnt know what to think. We sent someone to look for you using another method, but she was unable to assist you because of the scrambler. It seems that the scrambler also scrambles astral projections. She was able to pinpoint where you were, but by the time someone got there, you were gone, Mr. Kruger was on a rampage, and our agent couldnt call for assistance because of the scrambler. After some rather strenuous rough and tumble; Carl Donovan, the team member who came to rescue you; was able to subdue Mr. Kruger. It took a little time before Carl was able to lead Mr. Kruger back to the command location, and even more time before the team was able to conclude what the problem was. We all felt devastated when we learned what happened to you. If we could have prevented it, we surely would have. She smiled and nodded to someone else, and then sat down. Im glad it happened! I said, so everyone could hear. I was able to take my power back and get myself to a safe place. This was a milestone for me. Yeah, at the time I thought this was a pretty mean test to put me through, and I was really angry at Jeannie, the one who tried to astral project to me in response to my psychic call for help. Now that I understand, I apologize to all
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of you, especially Jeannie, for not trusting you and for jumping to conclusions. I learned a lot from this experience, and I appreciate all of your support and concern. A man stood up, looking somewhat sheepish. Hi, Christy, Im Carl Donovan. You might remember me as the guy who instructed you on the contents of your pack? Ah, yes, I replied. Curt, to the point, and all business. Everyone laughed. Ah, well, yeah, I guess I do tend to get rather focused. I just wanted to commend you on completing your quest, and to apologize for not being able to assist you when you were in trouble. Thanks, but I discovered that this time I was able to assist myself. But I have to give credit where credit is due and say that if it wasnt for Jeannies shimmery appearance when I was about to be sexually molested, I would not have been able to grab the gun from Mr. Kruger, and get away. So, even though you didnt get to me when I really needed someone, Carl, a member of the team was able to assist me, even though I didnt realize it at the time. Thanks for trying to be there for me Carl. If I had not been able to grab that gun when I did, I would have really needed a caring person to rescue me. Mr. Kruger was going to keep me as some sort of sex slave, at least that is what he told me, so
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knowing that you were on your way to help is a real comfort, even though things didnt work out the way Mr. Kruger wanted. Knowing that you were looking for me, that you would have fought for me and rescued me is very heartening. I said, and then noticed that Carl had a shiner. Did you get that shiner in your tussle with Mr. Kruger? Yes, Maam, he said, looking at the floor as if embarrassed. Come up here, Carl, I said, getting up and walking to the front of the table. Carl walked up to the front of the room and I grabbed him from my perch on the platform and gave him a hug, and then gently kissed his wounded and blackened eye. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your personal sacrifice. I said, as his face turned red. Thank you, he said, still embarrassed. You can go sit down now, I whispered in his ear, as I hugged him again. The room was filled with applause as he went and sat down. Now, I want Jeannie to come up and give me a hug! I said. Jeannie came up to stand before me, her face a mix of embarrassment and excitement. She hugged me quickly, and then started back, but I grabbed her arm. Not so fast, Jeannie. I said. I want everyone to hear this. I
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doubted you. I thought that you didnt come to help me because you didnt really care or were afraid of self-injury. My heart was filled with anger towards you. I saw you, but you did nothing to assist me and I felt you had abandoned me to that fate. I am deeply sorry for doubting your love and your friendship. Will you forgive me? Tears began to stream from her eyes, and she turned and hugged me again, deeply, soulfully, and I could feel the release in her. Yes, she replied. You realize that you actually did help me to avoid being abused. If I hadnt been yelling at you, at that shimmery astral projection you were able to generate, Mr. Kruger would not have been momentarily confused, and I would never have been able to get that gun from him. You kept your promise. You did come when I called, and you did help me. Oh Christy, she replied, tearfully. Thank you so much for saying that! I really needed to hear that. You will always be my little Jeannie, and I will always love you. I whispered, kissing her on the cheek. She blushed, and then smiled. You will always be my best friend and playmate, she said. I apologize for confusing you about what acceptance means. Aranon explained your confusion to me. I guess I need to learn better ways to communicate my
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beliefs. You did just fine, I replied. If I hadnt been confused and angry, I would never have been able to distract Mr. Kruger and get his gun. You said what you needed to say at that time to assist me in the future. It all worked. Thats what destiny is all about. Being in the right frame of mind for surviving the experience with my dignity depended on your confusing me and making me angry. The truth is, God works in strange ways. I hugged her one more time. As she returned to her seat I remained standing in front of the table, looking out at the crowd that had been there for me, even though I didnt know it. Thank you. Thanks to all of you for your help. I will miss this place, but not for long I think. I have a feeling I will be back in a very short time, and will see many of you again. Maybe one day we will work together as colleagues, after I have completed my training. There was a cheer and applause as I went back and sat down and finished my cheese burger, or I guess I should I say that Lynn finished it, all the while putting a gleeful smile on our face and bopping back and forth in the chair as though she were keeping time to the beat of a rock-and-roll song that only she could hear.
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I am very pleased by the way that you handled the situation with Jeannie, Said Aranon, as we were getting ready to leave. She did her best under the circumstances. And neither of us knew that Mr. Kruger had invented a shield to protect himself from any kind of scanning or interference. Once I realized that it wasnt her fault, I had to forgive her, and to admit that her attempt to come to my aid did, in fact, assist me in distracting Mr. Kruger and getting away. I think its important to give credit where credit is due. Absolutely! He replied, grinning. And that was the purpose of the party, to give credit to everyone for a job well done, even you. Can you accept that now? Okay, I replied, a little grudgingly. Thanks for the party, even though it was for everyone, not just me. I gave him a sideways smile. You are very welcome, he said. And now for the next part of your quest, your audience with Dorn. How long will it take us to get back to Top Side? I asked. He gave me a questioning look as he led me out of the Boars Head and back through the village square. It didnt take long for me to see the portal, and even less time for us to walk through it into Top Side. Was that fast enough? He asked.
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Yes, I replied, as we started down a familiar corridor. I guess I kinda forgot about the portal, with all that walking and riding around in vehicles. Would you like some time to think about your presentation to Dorn? Nope. I know what I want to say. Lets just get on with it.
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Fifty-One
When we entered the command center, Dorn was in his usual place in front of the rows of monitors. He turned and nodded at Aranon as we entered. As we approached the raised area where he manned the control panels and monitors he got up and came down the steps to greet us. Congratulations on completing your Quest, he said to me, smiling. Well, almost completing my quest anyway, I responded. He gave me a sideways glance that had most of the ingredients of a frown.
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Do you still have more to complete? He asked. Yes, I said, and I need to discuss it with you. Of course, he smiled. He motioned toward a doorway. Lets go into the conference room. He led us into a fairly large room with a very large table and many chairs. He pulled a huge chair out for me and then sat down adjacent to me at the end of the table. Aranon sat across from me. Now, what is it that you would like to discuss with me? It is getting close to the time when I will need to go home, ah, back to my native position. I know this is necessary and that terrible things could happen to my family and neighbors if I dont. But that doesnt mean I cant come back, does it? Of course not. Well, I think I need to come back. I think that I need to complete my reorientation, and I want to be trained to assist others. I know that you can travel through time and I know that you could send a vehicle to come get me, and I know that you can return me to that same point in time where you picked me up. I was thinking that you could leave me on Earth for about a month, just to try out what I have learned and then come get me. I then I could spend the equivalent of a month with you, and then you take me back to my native position. Then I spend a month
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working on what I have learned in my native environment, and then you come get me again. Maybe youll do this two or three times. Ill get better, faster, because Ill get to work on using what I learn there in my native environment, and in return youll get to see how my environment effects me. It wont hurt anyone, for no one will ever know that I am gone. Ill get the help that I will I need, especially if I am going to be able to function adequately enough to both support myself and to help others. You will also get a direct, living connection with Earth in my time and can obtain first hand information on the emotional impact of occurrences you presently view as history. Maybe, when I am ready, I will work both here and on Earth, using what I learn there to help me here, using what I learn here to help myself and others there. I mean, I could be the first interplanetary commuter! I laughed, and hoped that he saw the humor in the comment. He smiled broadly, but it wasnt a humorous smile. Ah, you have been thinking, havent you? Yes, I said. I waited a moment and when he didnt respond I said, Please, Dorn, consider my idea. I think it is a good one and I really think we would all benefit. What do you think, Aranon? Dorn asked. I think it may become a model which we can use with
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others. Instead of just sending agents in, sans any memory of Anchore or the colonies, and then discontinuing any further contact, maybe we could maintain contact through training programs, which could increase the effectiveness of our agents on Earth. The idea of having a living contact that can communicate the emotional impact of important planetary events is also an attractive idea. Having living contacts in each nation would be even better. I understand that it may be fudging a little on the law of non-interference, but then we interfere when we kidnap people and then retrain them for reentry into their societies. Lets confront this honestly. Lets look at the reality of the matter. We have interfered. Our Karma is now entwined with Earth. Why not use that as a vehicle through which to make a greater impact? I will think on it and consult the Elder Brothers, Aranon. At this point he got up and left the room. Well, I said feeling as though I had blown it. That went over like a lead balloon. Not necessarily. I think he was actually intrigued. He will let us know within the next twenty-four hours. Take my word for it, the Elder Brothers will agree. So, whats next Aranon? Now we need to give you a full exam. When we send you
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back, you will have to weigh exactly what you weighed when we retrieved you. We will have to cut your hair and nails to match your initial bioscan. There is a little leeway but not much. You have to fit in the space we will be returning you to, or that implosion will still occur. It may not destroy the house, but it could very well injure you. Im convinced, I said, feeling a little afraid of my return, now that I knew it had to be so precise. Not to worry, he said, either sensing or knowing my feelings. We have had a lot of practice in this, so you will be returned without incident. You may have to increase the calories in your diet, though, for your safe return will depend on your precise weight. We will be weighing you a great deal for the next couple of days. You have lost a few pounds on your walk, my dear. Okay, I said, realizing this was true, by the fit of my clothes and resigning myself to this process. There may be another stipulation that may not set very well with you. Okay, I said, waiting for his explanation. We may have to return you with no memory of the events that have occurred since you arrived. Jeeze! I cried, angered by the thoughts that rushed through
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my mind. How the hell am I supposed to use what I have learned, if I cant remember? You will, he said, confidently. No one we send back ever remembers having been here. Its standard procedure. Nevertheless, you will be able to access what you have learned whenever conditions or situations demand reevaluation, rethinking. You will be programmed to access what you have learned here, as you need it. Oh, now thats comforting, Aranon. Ill remember what you taught me but I wont remember you. I will remember what I learned in the Meathos, but I wont remember the Meathos. I wont remember Remmie. I wont remember Piddles. I wont remember seeing Lynn run across that amazing and magical field on that strange planet where all the colors were so different. I wont remember Davys joy, at discovering that he had a penis. Tell me Aranon, will this remain the rule each time I come back for my month here? Like I said, its standard procedure. Thats stupid! I yelled, angry at this revelation. It is the objective of the Brotherhood to have as great an impact as possible without disclosing our presence. Like you said to Dorn, you have interfered, your karma is entwined with ours! Hey, if I told someone what has happened to
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me here, do you think they would believe it? Heck no! All I would wind up doing by talking about this experience with anyone would be to make myself look like a real fruitcake. You gotta let me remember! I cherish my memories of Remmie. I cherish my memories of Meestra. I will definitely cherish my memories of you! Its policy, Christy. Im so very sorry. You will not remember me or Remmie, or Anchor. Thats nuts! I said angrily. Its abuse! Its theft! Its rape! How could it be rape or theft, Christy? You are taking a part of me, invading a part of me without my permission! Yes! I gave you permission when I was here, but after I am back there, I wont remember that! Im sorry, but in my book that is rape, that is taking advantage of an individual and taking what rightfully belongs to them without an informed consent. There is an informed consent. Am I not informing you now? Do I have a choice? We cannot allow our interventions to become common knowledge. Like I said, whos going to believe me? We cant take the chance. This isnt informed consent, this is informed coercion. You
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tell me what the policy is and I either give in or my memory gets wiped anyway! I know it is difficult to accommodate, Christy. No I said, flatly. No, this is just not acceptable! If I am going to be commuting back and forth from Earth to here, Im going to need to remember what happened, not just what I learned! If Dorn accepts my suggestion, then I am going to need to discuss this with him too. I mean, how am I supposed to know when you are coming to get me, where I should meet you for pickup? I mean, you cant just come kidnap me every time! Christy, our anonymity is sacred. This isnt about you or our trust in you, its about our work and its effectiveness on Earth. If it gets out that you have been commuting between Earth and another planet, it could jeopardize our work on Earth. I know, he said, holding up his hand to forestall my rebuttal. No one would believe you. But that isnt exactly true. There are many on your planet, in your society, that believe in extraterrestrials, and this would be just the thing to wet their appetite for uncovering proof of extraterrestrial contact. Such a situation could prove more than just a little difficult for us. But I wont discuss it with anyone. And you could make sure I dont by fixing it so that if I start to talk about it with anyone, I wouldnt be able to do it. I know you could do that and I would
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accept your doing that, because I know you need to remain anonymous. I want to help you to remain that way. I am willing to undergo a mind block that would disallow me from discussing my experiences here with anyone on Earth and yet allow me to remember the people here and on other planets that I have met and that I hope to meet again. Please, Aranon? I know you can do this. Please? Its not up to me. You were right when you said you would need to discuss it with Dorn. What you say does make sense though. I agree with you that we could block you from discussing your experiences here with those on Earth and yet leave you with the memories of what occurred while you were here. It also makes sense to me that you would view our wiping your memory as rape. So often in your life you have been violated and then were forced to forget for you own survival. And the survival of my abusers, who encouraged my forgetfulness with threats and visions of hell and damnation. Aranon, if I know something has happened to change me, and I cant remember what it was, dont you think that is going to cause me a lot of problems? I mean you saw the craziness I felt I had to go through in order to remember. Do you think that drive to remember and understand is just going to go away? No, I dont. And I am convinced that in spite of our best
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efforts, you will eventually remember. I just hope that when you do, you will deal with the memories in an appropriate way. And what would that be, Aranon? I asked, wondering how I could deal with the memories appropriately. You have to remember that I have seen the future, and have been monitoring it for changes since before your arrival here. I took a look just yesterday, before I went to Midway to meet you. I know for a fact that you will remember and that you will communicate those memories to others. How do you know that? I asked. Did I go on TV or something? No, you were very tasteful. You wrote a science fiction book. You communicated the message we have been giving you without maintaining that it was an actual event. I was impressed. You read the book? I read a synopsis of it. Personally, Im for letting you remember. I think you may have more of an impact on your society with your book if you do. Okay, I said. So youll back me up then? I will.
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After leaving the conference room in the command center, Aranon took me for a physical examination. Aranon explained to me that they had to compare my arrival exam with this one to see what they needed to do. I had to weigh, to a fraction of an ounce, what I weighed when I arrived in order for them to be able to reinsert me into my native position. So are you gonna rebreak my hip? I asked him. No, I think we will allow you a spontaneous healing. I suppose it will raise a few eyebrows, but it wont draw much attention. Remember, I know what happens when you get back. Okay, so with what you know, do you know if Dorn lets me remember? No comment. He replied, as he completed his evaluation. You know, dont you? I asked, determined to know the truth. Christy, I cannot answer your questions on this subject. I am going to have to ask you to refrain from asking about what I may or may not know about future events. Please honor this, as the alternative may be upsetting for you. Oh yeah? And what would that be? Are you going to put me to sleep or something? Now theres an idea, he replied, with a smile and a wink. No, you will be assigned a different facilitator.
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Jeeze, Aranon, this is a real bummer. I agree, but sometimes we just have to bite the bullet. What? I asked, remembering that as a line in a John Wayne movie. Sometimes things are not as we would have them be, sometimes they are painful, and we just have to bare the pain until it is finished. I would like to tell about you everything you ask. I would like for you to have more of a say in what happens to you. I actually think that we need to reevaluate our security program concerning Earth. The policies of my order disallow what I think to be most ethical in your case. I may have seen the future, but it can change in an instant, as the result of an unexpected shift in the stance of the High Council. You are a unique case. Anything can happen, Christy. Lets just wait and see how it turns out. At this point, Dorn summoned us to the control center. We didnt converse as we made our way back. Once inside, Dorn met us and led us back into the meeting room. To your request for multiple visits, we have to say no, at this time. He said, getting right to the point. To your request of retaining your memory, we also must say no at this time. Yes, I know about that and it cannot be allowed. We have given you all that we could in the time allotted, and soon you will be returned to your native position. Our decisions are based upon many things,
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not just future forecasts. We have maintained our effectiveness on many fronts by strictly adhering to our policies. Yes, there have been cases in which all may have benefited from more extensive assistance, you are not the first, nor will you be the last. Yes, there have been times when allowing an individual to retain the memory of their experiences here would have been therapeutically beneficial, but because of our strict boundaries and policies, we have remained undetected since this project began. Therefore we are still able to provide assistance and guidance without sabotage from well meaning, but misguided individuals and organizations, especially the military organizations of the planets in question. Your native time on Earth is not a good time to return an individual with the full memory of what happened to them here. There are just too many organizations that would have an interest in exposing us, and by doing so could influence our effectiveness. I know that this is not what you want to hear, and I realize that it may cause you some discomfort, but it is my job to protect our project on Earth, and what you ask is outside the boundaries of what I, as a member of the Brotherhood can allow without their sanction. The bottom line is that they will not sanction it. I am sworn to uphold their decisions, and so is Aranon. I am sorry for the pain and discomfort this may cause you.
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With that he got up and left the conference room. I sat there in stunned silence, as did Aranon. I would be sent home. There would be no further contact, and I wouldnt remember this experience. I was devastated. Aranon led me back to my room, and all the way back we didnt say more than five words to each other. I think he left me there, alone, because he just didnt know what to say. I sat on my bed crying, trying not to resort to my old behaviors, just to get the attention I felt I needed. I thrust my hands into my pockets, trying to keep myself from beating on the walls. In one pocket I found the stone that Jeannie gave me, and in the other I found the communicator that Aranon gave me the night after the attempted rape. I looked around the room. I knew that the communications console probably included a camera that monitored me, and some sort of sound pickup, like a microphone. I went into the bathroom and looked around. I could see no monitoring devices. That didnt mean they werent there, but I couldnt see them. I decided to take a chance and call Remmie. I wanted to see her one more time, to say goodbye forever. It seemed an important thing to do. I held the flat oval shaped stone to my forehead and thought of Remmie. Christy? I heard her voice say.
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Yep, its me. This is the last time I will probably ever see you. I just wanted to say goodbye and to let you know how much I love you and your family. Please, say goodbye for me to Aldalgo. They are sending me back to Earth and they are going to wipe my memory and I will not be coming back. I just wanted to let you know that I wont be able to remember you, so you have to keep the memories for the both of us. Oh no, Christy! I am terribly sorry. I think it stinks, I replied, but I have no say in the matter. Why are they wiping your memory? She asked, with a truly mystified look on her face. Because it is policy. Because if I accidentally let slip where Ive been it could cause them problems. I cant see how that could happen, but they are taking no chances, I replied, and then added, from my heart, I love you Remmie. I love you too, Christy. You have taught my people and me so very much. Because of you, life on my planet has changed a great deal. I wont be the only one who will be keeping your memory alive. You touched us all, and little Courage will be a living tribute to your visit here. Thank you, Remmie, I said as a tear slid from my eye. I wont miss you, because I wont remember you, but I wanted you to know that right now I miss you and that if I were allowed to
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remember I would think of you all, often. I will think of you often as well, Christy, and I will keep your memory alive by reminding people that many of the new policies here are due to your insight, your wisdom. I will have your name engraved on a commemoration plaque at the temple of the Mother Pool. You will never be forgotten, Christy. I promise you that. I looked up and Aranon was standing in the bathroom doorway looking at me. I knew I needed to say goodbye. I gotta go, Remmie. Give my love to your family. I closed my hand around the stone and looked Aranon in the eye. I believe thats mine, he said, holding out his hand for the communicator. I handed it to him as tears flowed from my eyes. I felt bereft and I didnt have my old coping methods to deal with the feelings. He turned and left the bathroom and I got up and followed him. I had to, Aranon. Im sorry if I did something wrong. I couldnt let her think I just forgot about her. I had to tell her goodbye. I know. He said, pocketing the stone. Im not angry with you. I just wish it could have been different. I think it could have workedyour idea. I think your proposal would have given us a greater insight into how to assist your people. I think it could have
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become a research project, and that we may have learned a great deal from it. Unfortunately, I dont make the final decisions. I know, I said, finally conceding in my own heart that this was not what he would have chosen for me. I just really dont understand. At that point I broke down and sobbed. He knelt down and took me into an embrace. He held me while I sobbed, stroking my head, rubbing my back. Im so sorry," he said. There is still time for an appeal. Whats the use? I cried, miserably. You already know what is going to happen. They already know what is going to happen. The future is malleable, Christy. Remember the words of T.S. Elliot? Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions, which a minute will reverse. Things can change in an instant. Just one choice made, that you would not have made before, just one change of heart because of a more enlightened way of viewing a situation, and the future shifts, sometimes in amazing ways, Christy. Never give up on the future, Christy, no matter how inflexible it may seem. In every thought, in every act, in every moment there lie the seeds for change.
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Fifty-Two
It was the last few days of my stay on Anchor, and for a while I just went through the motions of doing what I was asked to do. My diet was monitored so that my weight would come up. I was given a haircut and a manicure, a pedicure but not in any conventional way. It was all done with precise lasers I guess. But most of the time I was left to myself. During that time I did a lot of research on the Brotherhood, what their goals are, what their beliefs are and their relationship to the program on Anchor. One of the things that I learned was that although they built Anchor, it was only one of many reorientation centers throughout
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many galaxies. I learned that each galaxy had its own Overseer, and that often an Overseers policies might differ from the core values of the Brotherhood itself. I learned that first of all, they value life, in any form and seek to facilitate the elevation of consciousness in every living form. Second, they seek only to carry the light to other forms, shunning all practices that encourage darkness, in whatever form it takes. Their interactions with other life forms must always be based in love and its ethical expression in interpersonal relationships. Love, according to the Brotherhood, is that Force that flows through all things, promoting independent growth, independent experience and the independent cognition of the light. The Light is that force that flows through all things, guiding, directing and providing opportunities for conscious expansion. I learned that they attempt in all cases to honor the individual, seeking always to assist them in meeting their needs and attaining their goals. Nevertheless, when the expression and goals of a planet and its race(s) are proven to be destructive to other planets and their race(s), then a special project may be established for the purpose of assisting the planet and its race(s) in shifting their consciousness toward a more productive lifestyle and a more enlightened code of ethics. Such projects have more leeway in determining policy, and the option to move from a
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covert position to a more overt position as conditions warrant. The most important task being; protecting nearby systems from possible damage due to the self-destructive behaviors of the race(s) residing on the planet within their focus. In their dealings with both individuals and planetary races, The Brotherhood seeks always to be fair and unbiased by past circumstances. If petitions for specific assistance are made and rejected, then the petitioner has the opportunity to appeal the ruling with the Core Administrator. Now I knew what I needed to do! I would ask Aranon to get me an appointment with the Core Administrator. I looked into the screen and said; I need to talk to Aranon. Please send him as soon as possible. Then, I sat back and waited. In about five minutes Aranon arrived. Im glad you decided to talk with me, Christy. He said as he entered the room. I was really getting worried about you. I really didnt want to send you back feeling so abandoned. We may be able to wipe your memory, but we have yet to find a way to wipe the emotions. In the frame of mind you have been in, you would have been setting yourself up for a continuation of your emotional distortions. I am not the only one who is contributing to my sense of abandonment. Yes, I take responsibility for part of it, with the
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stipulation that my part be considered as contingent upon my sense of fair treatment. I need to be allowed to speak to the Core Administrator. He grinned broadly, showing off his perfect white teeth. Doing some research, I see. Can you make it so that I can talk to him? I mean there must be some kind of direct communication between you and him, huh? Yes, but Dorn must approve it. If petitions for specific assistance are made and rejected, then the petitioner has the opportunity to appeal the ruling with the Core Administrator. I quoted to him. It doesnt say anything about my appeal having to be approved by someone else before I can make that direct appeal. I want to speak to the Core Administrator. Its my right according to the ethics of The Brotherhood! Yes, he said, thoughtfully. I agree, you do have that right. I will arrange it right away. He turned on his heal and waved his hand over the scanner to open the door and then left, the door swishing shut as he disappeared down the corridor. Two hours or so later, he returned almost as brusquely as he left. Come, sit in front of the communications console, he
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instructed, walking toward the console and then turning to look at me. I had been lying on my bed. Okay, I said, yawning. What for? You are about to have your audience with the Core Administrator himself. Do you know what you want to say to him? Its always a Him, isnt it? It is a biological thing. Because the males of sentient races are generally more aggressive, more physically powerful, they have become socially accepted as leaders. They have intimidated their mates into accepting them as leaders, you mean, I quipped. True, he chuckled, quite true. So is my sexuality going to impact his decision? No, he didnt get where he is by practicing partiality. He will listen to you as he would a male making the same plea. Have you decided how you will frame your plea? Yes. I am going to site the policies concerning special projects. Oh yes, he replied, with another wide grin. That would have been my choice. And the policy concerning honoring the individual. Which policy is that? The one that says that The Brotherhood should honor the
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individual. Their needs and their goals. Yes, he said thoughtfully, it is a Basic Principal. So, what are your needs and goals? He asked, with an expectant smile. I need to remember what happened to me here for two reasons. One; because I would like to be allowed to return at specific intervals to obtain further assistance, while practicing what I have learned here within my society and two; because I would like to expand Anchors knowledge and understanding of my society to best serve The Brotherhood, of my own volition, to forestall and eventually avert an intergalactic calamity. How would your remembering your experiences here facilitate your goals of further assistance and assist in the expansion of Anchors knowledge about your society? Playing Devils Advocate, are you? Okay, because if I cant remember what happened to me here, and were not allowed to return, at intervals, for further assistance I would very quickly revert to the emotional state I was in when I was retrieved by Anchor Station. On the other hand if I were allowed to return to get further assistance, I would probably fare better, but not remembering would be a problem in that this is part of the pathology of my emotional distortions. As long as that pathology is being triggered, I will have difficulty shedding my emotional distortions and
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attaining my goal of assisting the Brotherhood. My goal is to be able to be a liaison between my home planet, Earth, and The Brotherhood at Anchor Station for the purpose of expanding Anchors and thus The Brotherhoods understanding and effectiveness in its own goal of averting a calamity that will not only effect my planet but others as well. Well said, stated Aranon. At this point the screen flickered and the face of an older man appeared. I am Arrap Sephrim, Core Administrator, said the man. I have agreed to hear your plea. I wish to appeal a ruling given me by Dorn. What was your plea? To understand my plea, you would need to be appraised of who I am, where I am from and what my emotional challenges are. My facilitator, Aranon will communicate this information to you if you would like. Yes, please make this information available to me, he said. Is there a great deal of information to absorb? Are you under a time constraint? She needs to leave within the next three Anchor solar cycles, interjected Aranon. Her molecular signature is rapidly shifting, and she must be returned to her native position before that occurs in order to prevent a cataclysmic event that could take
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the lives of members of her family as well as several neighbors. Her arrival here was self-generated through a primal form of teleportation, which did not allow for the implosion of the spacetime position that she projected from. She must be returned before her molecular signature has changed to such a degree that she can not be reinserted into her native position. I see. I will explore the material as quickly as possible. I will make it my priority for the next day or so. My system is now ready to receive the information. Aranons fingers raced over the keys of the keyboard on the console table as symbols flashed on the screen. Finally, the screen went blank. I figured that when he said it would take a while, that it would take a day or so, but then time for The Brotherhood doesnt mean the same thing as it does to mere humans. Within a couple of minutes, hardly time to get out of the chair, the screen lit up and the Core Administrators face filled the screen. I should be available to meet with you in the control center in a few minutes, he stated, his face appeared controlled. I will also insist that the Overseer be there as well. Of course, replied Aranon. Thank you for your prompt response. He hit a key and the screen went blank. Well, I
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suppose we had best go back to the control center, he said, waving for me to follow him. I thought he needed time to go over the material, I said, incredulous. Oh and you can bet he took it too. Yeah, thats right, you guys bend time. Dont you worry about creating paradoxes? There are a lot of rules surrounding how we use our time displacement capabilities. Nevertheless, in a case such as this, where time is already a factor, it can be a helpful tool in providing the time to review facts before decisions are made. So why doesnt he just go look at what the decision was and just tell us? It doesnt work that way, Christy. The work has to be done in order for the outcome to be valid. Anything less would create exactly what you just said a moment ago, a paradox. As we entered the control center we encountered a number of people, including Dorn and the Core Administrator. Dorn led us all into the conference room and everyone chose a seat around the huge table. The Core Administrator took the seat at the head of the table. All right, he said, with a hint of an accent I hadnt caught when he spoke to us through the communications console. We
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all know why we are here. The Seeker, Christy, desires to be allowed to remember her experience here, as well as return here, at defined intervals for further assistance and then to work, as a liaison between Earth and Anchor. Have I got that correct, Christy? Yes, but I would like to define it as a research project. Ah, yes, that changes things. You see, this is not just for me, but also to help The Brotherhood better understand my society, how it impacts me emotionally, how I observe it impacting those around me. When you look at us through time, you miss that part. You have no live connection, and I think you may need this in order to assist my society in becoming more aware and thus avoiding a situation which could impact many planets and many societies. I see, he said. Well, it is clear to me that you have not had enough time here to overcome your psychophysical distortions and I would like to see you complete that. I can see that you have great potential as a facilitator as well as an interplanetary liaison. I feel that your interaction with the Archanians has been very beneficial, and would like to see your connection with Archana continue as well. In spite of your distortions you appear to be a very ethical and compassionate person, and would definitely qualify for induction into the Brotherhood, an unfortunate term in
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your language, for our membership is made up of just about as many females as males. He looked right at me and smiled. But its the memory retention that is in contention here, at least for the initial portion of the reorientation. But how can I use what I learn here in any adequate way, there, if I cant remember my experiences here within their proper context. I need to remember the love and support that I have obtained here, for that is something I have never had before and may very well be what makes the difference in my capacity to continue to recover while on Earth. And what will you do when you bring me back? Kidnap me again and Again? And each time it would be terrifying, because I wouldnt remember the previous times! Thats abusive and I dont deserve that. So just send me back to my native position and leave me there, or let me remember and work with me and give me a chance to help you in the process. I hadnt planned to give an ultimatum, but I couldnt take it back now. All right, he said, turning to Aranon. Aranon, what are your thoughts on this matter? I think this could turn into a very productive research project that could very well generate a major shift in the consciousness of her planet. I trust Christy to carry the message of conscious reorientation without generating any undue pressure on our
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Order. The fact is, we have already interfered in this planets evolution, and we chose to do so in order to prevent an event that has shown itself to be cataclysmic on a intergalactic scale. I think that the situation on Earth demands more open attention, in view of the fact that even though we have forestalled this event, we have yet to dissipate it. Our covert interference isnt having the desired effect. Its time we become more visible. I think that Christy came here to alert us to this. When I consider the pain and abuse that she has been through in this life and previous ones on this planet, I am astonished at the level of violence that permeates this society, and am certain that this is the source of this future cataclysm. Our greatest concern now is not our anonymity, but our willingness to send an outpouring of Love and Light to this planet. The entire planet is in pain, filled with individuals living lives of intense desperation that is exacerbated by social, religious and political distortions. What does it profit our anonymity, if we forestall the cataclysm indefinitely while leaving generations of individuals in emotional agony, physical pain and mental disarray? The room was absolutely silent after Aranon finished his statement. I was proud he was my facilitator. We have run a number of simulations, and we find a lot of problems with it. Said Dorn.
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Such as? Asked the Core Administrator. Such as Christys idea of becoming the inhabitant of two planets at the same time presenting a possible paradox. But I wont be inhabiting two planets at the same time, but in alternate times. I argued. I only suggested the month on month off thing because it seemed like an easy rhythm to maintain, and I wouldnt change much in the eyes of my peers on Earth. It would also make it easier to maintain a job or to go to school, because I wouldnt be so likely to forget what I was doing, once I was back in school, or back on the job. Okay, and then there is the fact that Christy will need to be monitored. That means we will need to put together a team. You already have a team! I said, maybe a little too loud. I looked at my lap, embarrassed. Shes right, interjected Aranon gently, I put together a team to monitor her through her vision quest, and I am certain they would all be willing to continue their jobs. All right then, responded a man I didnt know, but I assumed was the Overseer. It goes completely against the systems policy and it has the potential of becoming a burden on the Brotherhood, He was not entirely human and yet spoke with authority. Thats true, Vadish, and yet there are contingencies that
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sometimes require a shift in our thinking, wouldnt you say? Asked the Administrator, in a patient tone. Of course, replied the Overseer, nodding to the Administrator. And that is why we engage in special projects and research projects, to help us to make a shift in our thinking, in our understanding. And sometimes these projects require that we shift our thinking away from policy and toward facilitating the goal of the project. There is no good reason to leave a whole planet in pain. I feel we need to go to their aid in the least obtrusive means possible. I believe we may have found a means, but we wont know until we run a pilot project. Are we in agreement that we will support this project, at least until such time as it proves to be ineffective? The Administrator reviewed each face at the table, some of which hadnt made a contribution to the discussion. Each of them quietly nodded as he made eye contact with them. I did the same when he looked at me. When he gave me a smile and a wink my heart sang! At that moment I knew that I had gotten what I wanted! I struggled to keep a straight face while my inner selves were dancing and singing. Well, then, the Core Administrator said as he rose from his
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chair. Lets all get to work. We only have two days to get this project set up. And with that he walked out of the room. Everyone slowly got up and started filing out of the room. Dorn appeared beside me, towering over me like a giant monolith. I looked up at him. I have to say that you have tenacity. You refuse to take no for an answer when you feel that you are right. Nevertheless, I dont see you taking this to be a license to ignore ethical law. I feel one day we will work together. I look forward to that time. He stuck out his huge hand and I grabbed a couple fingers and shook hands with him. Me too, I replied. Id like to get to know who you are when you are not hiding behind that aura of authority. I gave him a quick smile and a wink. Ah, ha! He said, chuckling. Well, well be seeing one another periodically, thats for sure, now. He walked away chuckling. You touched him! Said Aranon, with an excited grin. I what? You touched him, you made him laugh! I dont think I have ever seen him laugh. But then I cant remember a time when anyone accused Dorn of hiding behind his aura of authority, either. Aranon started to chuckle as well.
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Aranon! I got what I wanted! Theyre going to allow me to remember! Theyre going to allow me to come back! I said excitedly, getting up and hopping up and down. Yes, its true! I am so glad for you, Christy. I threw out my arms and he got up out of his chair and stooped to hug me. Will you remain my facilitator? I asked. Even while you are absent, he replied, smiling. I will be monitoring you with the team. Okay, what does that mean? We have yet to work that out. Possibly, we will send someone to accompany you in your space-time position. Someone who would stay a safe distance from you, and yet be able to monitor your life signs. Like telemetry? I asked. Exactly. The other method would be to implant you with a device that would send a continuous, in-sync record of your telemetry as well as visual and auditory records. This would be the best way to go, but it requires invasive surgery and requires your willingness and permission. Where would you put this thing? I asked, not really wanting to go that way. At the base of your brain where we can tap into your audio and visual neural networks. This would also give us the
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opportunity to converse with you, in real time, as well. It is a precise procedure that has been done many times without incident. You will not experience any pain, and the healing will be almost instantaneous. It will cause no discomfort, but will provide us with a bio-signal with which we can teleport you if the need arises, for instance if your life were in danger. And you could talk to me? Yes, at least someone would be available to talk with you whenever you needed to talk. I might keep someone mighty busy for a while, I said. I suspect you probably will, he grinned at me. But eventually, you will pay little attention to those who monitor, and just get on with your life. I guess thats true, I said, thinking it might not be such a bad thing. So when would we do this? How about right now? You mean, just like that? It would give us the time we need to adjust the telemetry. Where would we do it? In the examination room right down the corridor. He started for the door and I followed him out through the command center and into the corridor. Are you saying you are going to be doing this?
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Done it hundreds of times, and have yet to loose anyone. He said, with a reassuring smile. Who do you do this to, most of the time? Off world operatives. Individuals who go in and investigate cultures, societies. So why dont you have anyone doing that on Earth? Oh, we do! But with the mind wipe policy, specifically with Earth, we have had issues with observational contamination. Our operatives can show us what is going on, but they cant communicate with us. First of all because they dont know we are there, and secondly because policy requires that we not break anonymity. Our anonymous programs are not showing much success though. I think its time for a change. He led me into the examination room. Just hop up on the table there and we will get this taken care of. I havent said I would do it yet, I replied, feeling suddenly frightened by the thought of having a foreign object inserted into my brain. Aranon, can it hurt me? I mean can it cause complications in my body, in my brain? No, as a matter of fact, we can use it to assist your body by signaling certain glands or stimulating certain brain functions, but only in an emergency. We signed a pact, Christy. We will do no harm.
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Okay, I said, making up my mind. I climbed onto the table, which he had lowered for me. The idea of being able to maintain communication with him was more attractive than the fear that it would harm me. He pushed a piece of equipment, which appeared to hang in mid air, over near the table where I sat. It was a fairly large console and yet it glided effortlessly to the position where he wanted it. Then he began to press buttons and toggle switches. Okay, he said finally, lay on your stomach and put your hands under your forehead. I need you face down. I know its a bit uncomfortable but in a minute I will be generating a field to raise you up a little and I will also be adjusting it to accommodate your face. I lay down on my stomach and cradled my forehead with my hands. He was right it was uncomfortable. Then I began to rise off the table, and I could hear him clicking keys, making adjustments, and then suddenly my hands dropped down about six inches, as there was no longer a surface pressing against my nose and chin. It was a lot more comfortable. Then I felt him brushing the hair away from the back of my neck and something cold was applied to my skin. I braced for a prick or something, but it didnt come. What happened was that there was a vibration at the back of my neck that translated into my teeth and jaw, but it wasnt
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uncomfortable. Then I heard a pop and saw a momentary flash of light, and then felt a warm sensation. There was another click and a slight tugging sensation, more warmth and then nothing. Thats it, he said, as I floated back down to the table. As I came to rest he helped my up. Not that bad, huh? You were right, it didnt hurt at all, I replied, jumping down from the table. How do we know if it works? Well find out in a few hours, after the team is reassembled and they are at their stations. Until then, why dont we go back to your room and talk. We left the examination room and started down the corridor. Do you think I could take a little nap first? I asked, feeling a little weary. Its been a while since I have rested and my muscles are still aching from my long walk. Of course, he said, opening the door to my room. Ill use the time to get the team together and organized so that we can test the implant. Thank you for believing in me, Aranon, I said, flopping down on the bed. I was really impressed by what you said today. I really want to help. I know you do, Christy, and I also know that you will help. Not because I have looked into the future, but because I have had the privilege of looking into your soul.
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Fifty-Three
I awoke as the sound of the door opening announced Aranons return. I turned over as he approached, rubbing my eyes to relieve the stickiness of sleep. Did you have a good rest? He asked, smiling down at me. Im not sure I got enough, I replied, struggling to get into a sitting position, while all my muscles screamed at me. Well, we are getting a little short on time, so you may need to console yourself with the idea that you will have plenty of time to sleep when you arrive back at your native position. He walked over to the conversation area and took a seat. Lets talk about
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how things are going to progress to that point. I pushed myself off the bed and moved achingly toward a chair in the conversation area. I climbed into a chair adjacent to Aranon and collapsed back into the cushions, my body grateful for the soft support. Do you have any aspirin? I was pretty sure he didnt. Are you asking for assistance with your pain? He asked, his face compassionate. Yes, I am. I knew why I hurt so much. It was because I had stopped walking so much. Now my muscles were really nagging me about what I had put them through. Aranon leaned forward and held out his hands. Put your hands in mine, he said, gently. I leaned forward and placed my hands in his. He closed them around my tiny little hands and immediately I felt warmth travel into my hands and then through my body, erasing the pain in waves, like the ocean waves erase footsteps from the sandy shore. When all the pain had been erased, I opened my eyes and looked up at him. His eyes sparkled and he smiled at me. Better? Loads! I said, happily, as he released my hands and I let them drop into my lap. Even some of the tiredness is gone too! I am glad I was able to help. He smiled again. Now, there
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are a number of things that we have to do before your departure, which is coming up fast. I will have to be weighing you every few hours, for we are shooting for a strictly defined weight, which can be slightly under, but not over the weight you were when you left your native position. When you reach that weight, you will be returned. You still have a few ounces to go, but it could happen tonight, or tomorrow. We dont have any more time after that, so we are going to be getting pretty precise with your meals. Thats fine with me. I have never been very interested in food anyway. I always wished there were such a thing as a pill people could take everyday so that they wouldnt have to eat. Actually, there is such a thing. I personally use supplements to maintain my nutrition and only eat once in a while, and then just for fun. He grinned at me. Okay, lets move on to the next item on the agenda. I know that you said you wanted to see Mr. Kruger before you left, and it seems that he will be leaving soon as well. He will be going to Colony Twelve, where they have a semi controlled environment and a good success rate with individuals like Charles. I thought it best that you see him as soon as possible, for his group will be leaving as soon as we release him to the team that will be transporting them. Sure, I said, feeling a slight twinge of fear at facing the man that almost raped me. Almost is the operative word here though.
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Mostly what he did was scare the daylights out of me. Well, then I guess we should go back to central control. Ill arrange to have him brought to the conference room. Why dont you do some personal care and put some clean clothes on while I arrange this. He got up and went to the door once again. After reaching the door her turned and smiled at me. Get a move on girl, he added. As soon as the door closed I went to the personal care center and stripped, showered and took care of other needs. Then I dressed. As I was putting my shoes on, he returned. Okay, lets go, I said, getting up and following him into the corridor. I was beginning to think we might be wearing a path in that part of the corridor. On the way, Aranon produced some sort of communication device from one of his secret pockets and notified the team responsible for Mr. Kruger that we would be meeting him in the conference room at central control. By the time he had finished his communication we were almost there. I was starting to get a feel for where things were here in this maze of identical walls and doors. I suppose he looks really different now, huh? I asked as we entered the control room. Well, to be sure, he is a lot cleaner, chuckled Aranon. We went straight to the conference room, and took what
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were becoming our seats at the end of the table. After about three minutes of waiting, two men entered. One looked vaguely familiar, the other was a facilitator, I could tell by his jumpsuit. Have a seat here, Charles, said the facilitator, leading him to a seat across from me. I will be right outside, so anytime you want to go, just come out of the room and I will take you to back to the group. The facilitator patted him on the shoulder and then left the room, closing the door. So, why am I here? Asked Charles, whose clean-shaven face was handsome in a rugged sort of way. His hair was clean and had been trimmed, and his clothes were clean and well fitting. Do you remember me, Charles? I asked, looking him in the eye. Yeah, well, maybe, he said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. Ill jog your memory. I wanted water and you said I couldnt have the water from the spring. Now do you remember? You stole my gun, you bitch! He said, jumping to his feet with sudden recognition, and then sank back into the chair, as Aranon stood as well, his immensity towering over him. Im sorry about that, Charles. I really didnt have much choice at the time. You had me pretty scared, you know. I tried to sound as genuine and sincere as I could.
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I know. It was a rotten thing to do, and I am sorry. He said as though he were reading the line from a script. After he said it he dropped his eyes to his lap. Its okay, Charles. I want you to know that I forgive you, and that I hope with all of my heart that you will find peace and at least one good friend. He looked up at me with a somewhat startled look on his face. Why? He asked in a genuine tone. Because you are a brilliant and capable man and I think that you deserve better than a life of running and hiding, loneliness and fear of discovery. Because you gave me a gift that day, when you took me hostage. You taught me that I have the power and the responsibility to stand up for myself and to take my life back. You see, I have been raped multiple times in my life, and each time it happened I became more and more used to just giving in and allowing my body to be abused. You provided circumstances that taught me that I didnt have to do that anymore, that I could actually defend myself and avoid that degradation. I want to thank you for your help. For a moment he just stared at me, an incredulous look on his face, and then a tiny tear slid from the corner of his eye. As soon as he felt this occur, he straightened in the chair and an angry look shrouded his features.
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Id a hurt you, you know. Id a hurt you and hurt you, and if you didnt get that gun from me you woulda still been there, getting fucked and beat til Id got tired of you. Then, I probly woulda killed you. You know that doncha? I kinda figured that was where things woulda gone if I hadnt got your gun away from you, yes. And you sit there, all safe and unharmed and say you forgive me? His tone and face were defiant, his eyes like hot coals. Yes, and I would still be saying it even if you had hurt me. You see, Charles, I am just another Earther, like you. I was brought here and given the opportunity to have a life that really means something. Before I got here, I had a really shitty life, as I am sure you have had as well. But I stayed with the program of reorientation, walked through all those shitty things that hurt me and made my life such a living hell, and discovered something in the process. I dont get better; my life doesnt get better until I have forgiven all those who made my life so shitty. I found that really hard to do at first, because I was really angry and really hurting inside, as the result of all that crappy stuff that so many people put me through. But, as I uncovered more and more abuse in my life, I began to feel that it was hopeless to ever get my anger and
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my hate to go away, not to mention ever having a worthwhile and happy life. Finally, after re-experiencing all that stuff, and still not feeling any better, I tried the forgiveness thing and guess what? It worked. So I have decided to just keep doing it and so here I am, letting you know that I forgive you, and hope that you can find that same forgiveness in yourself. Again, he sat staring at me, confused, wanting to be mean and angry, but unable to find an adequate reason. Finally, his expression changed to one of snideness. Yeah, well you never got beat for hours on end with a belt and then got locked in the basement, and left there for days, wondering if they would ever come back and get you! No, I got raped by a neighbor man when I was not quite three, and then was suffocated until I died, and then dumped, naked, behind a garbage can in an alley where I revived, lost and confused and in pain. Abuse, Charles, takes many forms, and none of them are good, and all of them leave deep scars and a deep pain that you come to believe will never go away. I have also been beaten and locked in closets. What was done to us as children, Charles, was criminal, destructive and distorted our thinking, as well as our feelings about the world and ourselves. Nevertheless, we can heal, we
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can find goodness in life and other people, once we find the strength to forgive. What for? He asked, timidly, as though he felt one-uped by my tale of woe. Because I discovered that anger and hatred doesnt have much effect on our abusers, if any, but it does poison us and our lives. All that anger, all that hate, just poisons our bodies, our minds, our hearts and even our souls. It doesnt change what happened one bit, but it sure fucks our lives up. And when that happens is we become the abusers. For in truth, we are abusing ourselves with our hate and anger, no one else. Because we are human beings, with unique qualities and talents, we deserve better, especially from ourselves. You deserve better, Charles. I know that you are an electronics genius, and a survivalist. Jeeze, Charles, you could be teaching survival classes, you could be teaching Anchor how to use your anti-detection device for productive purposes. I mean, you are one smart dude. You have the mentality and the talent to be helping people, like you, who have been hurt and have lost their will to recover from their painful past. Golly, Charles, you could actually find meaning and purpose in life again, maybe even peace and joy. I have learned, Charles, that forgiveness is the key to all that and I want you to know that, and I want you to have
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that. Another tear slid from his eye, and again his demeanor changed from one of confrontiveness, to one of desperate hope. You got this, did you, from all that stuff they make you do? Getting into that pool of gunk and all, remembering all that pain, all that fear? Yes, I did. And no, it wasnt easy, and I didnt have much fun doing it. But I am glad that I did. I am glad that I am finally free of all that pain, all that anger and hatred. The thing is, Charles, that it is, and always will be your choice as to whether you want to be free of that for yourself or not. It is not the easy way, Charles, at least not in the beginning. I wanted to run. Aranon, my facilitator will vouch for that. I indicated Aranon, who had been sitting quietly up to this point. Its true, he said as he nodded vigorously, smiling. Okay, replied Charles, so you had a bad time in your life and you got help here. So what? I aint getting into that pool, no matter what you tell me. You can shoot me, if you want, but I aint doin it. I dont need nothin bad enough to gag on that gunk. Charles, you can be free of your pain, your hatred, your fear, just by deciding to forgive those who have hurt you. I am sure there are other ways to help you do that without having to get into the Meathos. Just think about it, okay? You are too smart,
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too capable to spend the rest of your life just marking time, waiting to die. Promise me you will just think about it, okay? They put you up to this, didnt they? He asked, again hiding his real feelings behind his anger. No, Charles, I replied, honestly. This was all my own idea. At first, I wanted to do it just to help myself, but then, when I learned about you, and what a difficult time you have had and are having, I wanted to see you and tell you I forgive you so that you could be released from any remorse in the future. I wanted to take at least that one burden from you. I cant take the rest, Charles. The rest of your pain you will need to give up yourself, when you are ready, when you can see that it will help you. I just wanted you to see that it can help and that if I can pull myself out of my pain, my hatred, and my fear, so can you. Yeah, well, thanks, but no thanks, replied Charles, snidely. I know what is true for me, and all that goodness and light shit never made my life any better, and never will. He got up and went to the door, and then turned and looked me in the eye. You have no idea what kinda life Ive had and the shit Ive been through, little lady. Ive watched my buddies die with big holes in their bellies, with their bodies ripped to pieces by mortars and mines, calling out my name, calling out for their moms, for their
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wives, and I couldnt save them, I couldnt make their pain go away! You think just because some dude fucked you when you were two that you know about pain? You dont know nothin! With that he hit the door opener with an angry slap and left the room. I guess I didnt do so well, huh? I said, as tears slid from my eyes. Hes not ready yet, Christy, replied Aranon, taking my hand. But you planted some very viable seeds, and I have no doubt that one day he will find his personal power and take it back, and when he does I am sure he will remember you and he will be grateful. I thought, a couple of times there, that he felt my forgiveness, that he saw a ray of hope for himself. I really wanted him to feel my forgiveness! I finally allowed myself to cry. My tears were driven by my sorrow for Charles, and his hardened spirit, so hurt, so angry, so scared. Christy, if you are going to do the work that I do, you are going to have to come to the realization that you can save no one, you can only provide assistance to individuals who are ready to save themselves. How they utilize that assistance is not up to you, its up to them. Your capacity and talent to assist others is not determined by the recovery of each and every one that you assist, but rather on your capacity to allow each individual to find
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their own will to survive and to follow though with whatever it takes to recover from the distortions of their past. If your desire is to be the knight in shining armor to the lost and desperate souls being stalked by inner dragons, then be advised, my friend, sometimes the dragon wins. Have you looked into his future? I asked, hopefully. No. His future belongs to him. We do not look into the future of the individuals we seek to assist, unless, of course there is the need to see how their life may affect the future of a society, or a planet. But even then we dont look at the details of the individuals life, just how their life influences the greater whole. The reason for that is, that which you investigate, you change, simply by investigating it. I believe Earth scientists call it the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Then why do you investigate the far future? I asked. Because we can view trends and consequences. This is not on an individual scale; this is on a galactic scale. And yes, we are probably affecting it by investigating it, but not in the same way as we would affect the life of an individual by investigating their future. The impact of investigation on combined substances is much less than the impact of investigation on the particulate, or individual particles within that substance. The same goes for races and solar systems as opposed to the individual people who
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populate them. I have not seen your personal future, Christy. But you said, I wrote a book! I was getting peeved with him. Because I found your book while investigating how your life affected your planetary culture. So, was it a best seller? He gave me a sideways glance and raised an eyebrow. I think we need to get you over to your monitoring team so that they can test out your implant, he replied, getting up. Aw, comon, Aranon, was it good? Did I do a good job of writing it? He hit the door opener and stepped into the control center, and I got up and followed, like a good girl, taking two steps for his one. Can you tell me anything about it? I continued, as we left the control center and started down the corridor. It exists, he replied, which I should never have told you, but it seemed the best thing to do at the time. Thats all you get. Jeeze. I said. Well, at least I know what I am going to be doing when I get back. Whats that? He asked, slowing down a little so I could keep up with him without getting out of breath. Writing a book, I said. He nodded and continued down the corridor.
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After walking for a few minutes in silence, Aranon waved his hand before a door opener and we entered a room that looked a lot like central control, only smaller, more cramped. It was packed with the team that I met at the party at the Boars Head in Segundo. Valerie came up to us and smiled at me. I am so glad you are getting your wish, she said. I think you are one smart cookie, looking all that stuff up about the Brotherhood and its policies. I am really proud to be on your team. Thanks, but Im not so sure about my being smart, just desperate. Im glad that you are on my team, Valerie. I returned her smile. Okay, she replied, glowing with pride, I guess we have some testing to do. Would you come with me, Christy? We have to place you in a special chamber in order to test your implant. She started across the room and I followed her. This is a time displacement chamber, so that we can be certain that your implant will maintain communications in real time for both of us, regardless of where you are in time. She pulled open a door and led me into a room with a table and chair, and a cot. Uh, how long do I have to be in here? I asked, eyeing the cot. Not very long, just a few minutes. Dont worry, this room will
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be used for other things as well, and thats why there is a cot in here. You will not be locked up for the duration, trust me. Again she smiled, and then left the room, closing the door behind her. There was a definite shift in the pressure of the room once the door was closed. It felt almost as though the room had been pressurized, and I could no longer hear the noise from the team in the other room, although I could see them through a large window that looked out on the control room. I saw Valerie, and she made a circle with the thumb and pointer of her right hand and waved it at me, as if to say everything was ok. Can you hear me, Christy? Said Valeries voice inside my head. It was a very strange sensation, as though my thoughts were coming to me in her voice. I smiled at her and nodded, making the same sign with my hand. Okay, Kiddo, I would like for you to count to ten, slowly, and say each word out loud. Okay, I said, and noticed that when I had said it, everyone smiled and appeared to be clapping. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Thats great, Christy, you are coming through loud and clear. Now we are going to activate the time displacement. When we do, you will no longer be able to see us, but you will be able to hear me, at least I hope so.
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Suddenly, the window went fogy and I felt a sense of vertigo, but it only lasted a second. Can you hear me, Christy? Came Valeries voice, not as clear, but understandable. You are not as clear as you were before, I said, but I can hear you. I could hear cheering in the background. Okay, lets see if we can fix that, she said, and I heard a series of pops and static and then nothing. How does this sound? Her voice was as clear as it had been in the before. Perfect! I said. Just as clear as it was when I could see you. Now, she instructed, will you please go lay on the cot for a few minutes? Okay, I replied, apprehensively. Why do I need to lay down? Because we are going to test the implants abilities to alter your heart rate, among other things, and it would be best if you were laying down for this part of the test. I cant see you, Christy, so I will take your word for it when you tell me you are laying down. I went to the cot and lay down, feeling the sense of tiredness I had been feeling before reassert itself. Suddenly, I really wanted to go to sleep.
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Okay, I said, Im laying down. I may fall asleep though, because I suddenly feel really tired. Try not to do that, Christy. Ill be asking you questions during this test and I need for you to respond, okay? Okay, I replied, feeling really weary. Okay, this first test will speed up your heart, hopefully. Let me know if it works. My heart began to race and I felt very dizzy. Okay, I feel it. Please stop, I am feeling really weird. Almost immediately, my heart rate returned to normal and I breathed a sigh of relief. All right, Christy, this next test will probably make you feel like running the four minute mile, but I want you to stay on the cot, okay? Okay. Suddenly, I felt warm all over and then I felt energized and wanted to get up and do something, anything, but I stayed on the cot. Yes, I said, can you leave a bit of that with me? It sure beats feeling exhausted. Maybe a little, but we dont want to generate any problems with your adrenal system, so it will only be a little. Thanks, I said as the sense of wanting to run around a block diminished. Okay, Christy. On the table is a book. Please go to it and turn to page one sixty three and read the second paragraph.
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Out loud, or to myself? To yourself would be fine. I read the paragraph as asked and then closed the book. How was that? I asked. We may need to do a little adjusting there, Christy. Please, open the book again and read a page or two. I reopened the book and started reading. It was a mystery novel by some English author I didnt recognize, but it was well written. I was really getting into the story when she told me that I could stop. Thank you, Christy, for your cooperation. We may need to do these adjustments from time to time, even when you are back on Earth, as time has winds and storms just like space, and they can shift the telemetry a bit. Nevertheless, your implant is working very well, so I am certain that we will be able to maintain both audio and visual contact, as well as two way telemetry. Just relax for a moment while we make a few minor adjustments and then I will bring you back and let you out, ok? I went back to reading the book, by someone called Lawrence Sanders. It was a little dry, but full of interesting twists and turns. I was really getting into the story again when the door opened and Valerie told me that I could come out. That was great, Christy. Thank you for being so patient with
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us. Now we have to weigh you again. Will you come with me please? She led me to the back of the room where a large, electronic scale stood as though it were an after-thought, and she asked me to step up on what looked like a stainless steel platform. I did and she noted the weight on a clipboard. It wont be long now, Christy. You are just a few hundredths of an ounce off. Id say less than an hour. She smiled and helped me off the weighing platform. A sense of vertigo flowed through me as I realized that it wouldnt be long before I would be saying goodbye to all the people that I had come to know and love. I looked around for Aranon and didnt see him. Wheres Aranon? I asked, feeling suddenly frightened that I would not get to say my final goodbye to him. It must have shown on my face, because Valerie became concerned, and put her arm around me and gave me a gentle hug. Its okay, she said, in a tone filled with kindness and understanding. Hell be here to see you off. I wish I didnt have to go, I said, as tears streamed from my eyes. I know, she responded, concerned by the tears. The good news is, we will never loose touch with you and you will be back!
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Yeah, I said, still not feeling comforted. Unless I get hit by a truck next week while crossing the street. If something like that happened, Christy, you would be back here in a micro-second getting the best care in six galaxies. We arent going to let anything happen to you, and we have more cards up our sleeves than a riverboat gambler. As long as this research project continues, you will be safer and better cared for than the president of the United States. In case of enemy attack, all he has is a bunker a quarter of a mile beneath the Pentagon. You, on the other hand, will be on another planet, in the blink of an eye. Take it from me, Christy, you will be continuously monitored and will know what is coming, most of the time, before anyone else. Its that most of the time that scares me. I said, still feeling anxious at the thought that I would soon be back on Earth faced with the old challenges, the old fears. The distance, in time and space, between myself, and those I had come to trust and love would soon be incalculable. You have survived, Christy, up until this point, in spite of conditions and situations that could have ended your life. You are a survivor. You will be safer from now on than you have ever been in your life. People who care about you, and will spare nothing to maintain your health and safety, will be monitoring you.
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You will be back in thirty days. You are not being abandoned, and your memory will remain intact. So, kick that fear in the butt and show us what a real trooper you are, said Aranon, appearing behind Valerie. Aranon, I said, feeling very needy at that moment. I am so scared. I dont know how to make that go away. Again, tears streamed from my eyes. He moved to my side and knelt before me. He gave me another warm hug and then kissed me on the forehead. Its okay to be scared, Christy. Of course, this is all very new to you, and all you have to go by is the way it was before. Trust me, it will be different. Ill be talking to you over the link, as often as I am able, and Valerie will be there for you when I cant be. You will never feel alone again, and you will have a magnificent database at your disposal to assist you, so you will be capable of obtaining information immediately, as you need it, concerning just about anything. It isnt going to be anything like it was before. Can you believe that, Christy? I nodded, still not totally convinced, but willing to give things the benefit of the doubt. Thats my girl! He said, smiling. He stood and led me back to the scale. Lets see what you weigh after all that emotionalism. You know, nervousness will cause you to loose weight, dont
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you? I stepped on the scale and he read the readout. Almost there. Just a few more minutes, unless of course you really get upset, and then we can send you in just a few seconds. He did that Tom Selleck thing with his eyebrows, and then flashed me an impish smile. I cant imagine how different it will be, I said, stepping off the scale. I know that I am now more than me, with my inner family and my Anchor family, all able to input their observations, thoughts and feelings. Thats a bit scary. It will be a challenge to keep up with everyones input. We will not input any information until you ask for it, Christy, so you neednt worry about us complicating things. As for your inner family, yes, I am sure that will be a challenge, but we are here to help when you need it. Im gonna have to pretend that I am still hurt for a while, so that my parents dont realize that I am no longer broken. I may even have to play at being emotionally upset for a while, so that the changes in me dont seem so stark. I just dont know how my parents are going to affect me now, after all this. I dont know if the conditions in my home will drive me back to where I was when I came here or not. We will be there to help you with a lot of that. We can even learn to read your parents emotional state by monitoring their bio-
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scans and doing some data tracking. There are many ways that we will be able to help you, Christy, even though we cant be there with you. We can still be there for you. I like your hugs, I said, sadly. I will miss them. He bent down and gave me another hug. In thirty days, Christy, you will be back. Less than a blink of an eye in the face of the temporal flux that will separate us. Its not purgatory, Christy, its your life. It can become whatever you decide for it to be. You can become anything you decide to become. And behind those decisions you make, we will be there to facilitate you so that you can actuate your goals and dreams. Its your choice, Christy. Whats it going to be? Thirty days of prison, or thirty days of exciting discovery? Discovery, I said, feeling hopeful. Thats my girl! He said, hugging me warmly once again. I was basking in the attention, wanting more, but knew that it was a trap. I gota be strong, I said. I gota change my life. I gota make a difference. I gota help save my planet. Yes, he said softly, as tears filled his eyes. I believe in you, Christy. I believe in you, Lynn; I believe in you, Poppet; I believe in you, Kerry; I believe in you, Chrystlyn. Love each other, and help each other. Listen to me guys. You need to help each
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other, and help Christy. Together, you can become a force for good, or an inmate in a mental hospital. Its your choice, all of you. Listen to Christy, because she can talk to us and we can see a whole lot of things that you dont see. With all of your support and our assistance, Christy will have the opportunity to make a difference for the future of the planet on which you live, maybe even a big difference in the future of Earth. Its up to you though. You have to choose. You will have to choose a lot in the coming weeks and months. I will help you as much as I can, but you have to decide what is most important for you. Know that I love you all and want the best for you. Know that my instructions will never take you into harm, even though it may seem so sometimes. Trust Christy to keep you safe and support you through any difficulties you may encounter. I believe in you guys, all of you, and I will be there to back you up when you are willing to fight for what is right. Aranon? Asked, Lynn. Will we have to pretend we arent there when we go back? Only on Earth. Here, you can come forward as much as you need to. But a month is a long, long time, said, Lynn, whining. Hey, little one, you waited years and years to say your piece and be noticed, a month is just a heartbeat.
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Okay, she said, with reservations in her tone. Step on the scale again, please, he said. I was fearful that this was the moment. I stood there, hesitating, tears welling in my eyes again. Finally, I stepped up on the platform and watched as the numbers shifted. Yep. He said, in an upbeat tone. Youre right! Its time to go. Oh my God! Time to go! Time to go find myself in my bed, in my own room on Earth. Time to go back to 1968. Star Trek & Laugh In, Viet Nam, Hippies, Folk Songs, Simon & Garfunkle, Martin Luther King, racial integration and my metaphysics class with Master Marty. And then there was Stratton, my off again on again lover and Erwin Peltz, my partner in metaphysics. There would be Mom and Dad who both worked, so I would have the house to myself for a while, and I wouldnt be expected to do much. God! This is so scary! Come with me, Christy, he said, and I barely heard him, but my body followed. I was led back to the tube that looked like a giant vacuum tube like they have at the drive-in windows of banks, where you put your check in the container and put it into the receptacle and a vacuum pulls it from where you are in your car, to the teller. Aranon led me into the tube, and we walked on the spongy
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material that made up the floor. Just lay down, right here, Christy. We have marked out the position you need to be in. Ill help you to get adjusted. He stood over me, moving an arm here and a leg there. He moved my head a little and then stood back and looked at me, and nodded with a smile. Ill be watching every step. Itll be a bit of a shock at first. Just stay focused. We will make contact as soon as the transfer is complete. As I lay there on the pillowy surface, my heart was racing and my emotions were going wild. Take deep breaths, he said. We are right here. You are not being abandoned. What do you know? I said, feeling ever so scared. Are you in my skin right now? Trust me! Thats an order! Deep breaths, he said as he left the chamber, and I was alone, waiting for the cone at the top to light up and put me back where I came from. Finally, the cone did light up and grew brighter and brighter until I had to close my eyes. Shortly thereafter I felt a shift and then felt myself lying in my bed. I opened my eyes and saw the moonlight filtering through my bedroom window. I was back! I sat up and looked around me. My desk, my book shelves,
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my tape recorder, my TV, and of course I was in my own room. The clock beside my bed read 9:33 and I remembered that I had begun my meditation, oh so long ago, at about 9:30 pm. A month or more of experiences shifted through my minds eye and yet it had become clear that time here had stood still. Christy? Said Aranon. Speak to me, girl. I hear ya, I said as I got up and walked around my room. I heard cheering in the background. Good job, guys, I said, smiling at the picture I held in my mind of all of them in the control center standing and thrusting their fists in the air and clapping. They were my own personal mission control. Nothing had changed since I had left, except that my hip was no longer broken. As I wandered around my room, allowing myself to remember everything that had happened to me while I was on Anchor, my parents came home from their bowling league, talking, banging doors, and turning on the TV in the den for the ten oclock news. I jumped into bed, startled by their noisy entry, afraid they would discover me effortlessly walking around. Finally, I lay back on my pillow, so tired and so glad that I would be allowed to sleep as much as I wanted to for the next few days. After all, I had been across the universe and back, and in between I fought my demons and won. Yes, and I met Aranon,
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who guided me and encouraged me and taught me who I am, and how to look at things in a new light. I met Remmie, who not only befriended me, and my inner family, but also became my soul sister. I went on a vision quest through the wilds of an alien planet and became friends with a fantastic wild cat. I was taken hostage, almost raped but took a chance, which fortunately, assured my safety. I met people from other worlds and someone, somewhere, named their boy Courage, because I suggested it. I met the Meathos, and Meestra, and discovered my past pain and my past lives and all of this and more had happened In Less Than A Second.
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There is one thing that has helped me greatly in my life and in my recovery. Whenever I am feeling down, overwhelmed or just funky I repeat the Mantram Of Unification. It has not only assisted me in adjusting my attitude but it has filled my mind and soul with light. The Mantram Of Unification Humanity is one and I am one with them. I see to love, not hate. I seek to heal, not hurt. I seek to serve, Not to exact due service. Let pain bring due reward of Light and Love. Let the Soul control the outer form And life, and all events And bring to light the love That underlies the happenings of the times. Let vision come, and insight. Let the future stand revealed. Let inner union demonstrate and outer cleavages be gone. Let Love prevail, Let all Humanity Love.
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In Less Than A Second by Kerry Dennis

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In Less Than A Second by Kerry Dennis

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IN LESS THAN A SECOND

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In Less Than A Second

In Less Than A Second

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