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oiiovinis
i D o n ' t g e t i t
Well, I finally goi one. Tle iianscen-
deni ieclnological ioy, ile Holy Giail
of lipsieiism, ile sliniesi of sliny
objecis, ile beloved Apple iPad :. And
I'm leie io iell you ilai as I siand leie,
syoo leanei, I am disiincily noi in love
wiil ii.
Befoie you siaii iyping up laie mail,
lei me assuie you ilai ilis is noi an
anii-Apple iani. Tiuil is, I quiie lile
Apple. I'm noi paiiiculaily biand-loyal,
bui I do mainiain a faiily equal mix of
Apple and non-Apple eleciionics - in
faci, I'm iyping ilis aiiicle up on my
MacBool Pio as we speal (a piece of
equipmeni I am deaily in love wiil). So
wly las ile iPad escaped my infaiu-
aiion? Well, ile pioblem is ile iPad
does eveiyiling I wani ii io do . jusi
noi ilai well.
Lei's siaii wiil woil. As someone
wlo almosi always las a Dioid in lis
poclei and a MacBool by lis side, I
would be laid-piessed io imagine a
iasl besi suiied io a device less func-
iional ilan a lapiop and less poiiable
ilan a smaiiplone.
Tle iPad is noi a iool foi pioduciiv-
iiy. Tle iPad is a iool ilai allows you
io say you lave an iPad. I lnow ile
iPad wasn'i exacily meani foi a peison
lile me. Siill, as iablei compuieis aie
supposed io be ile wave of ile fuiuie
- desiined io ieplace lapiops, so iley
say - ii's suipiising low baclwaid ile
iPad feels wlen ii comes io geiiing
ilings done. Tle lacl of muliiiasling
and piocessing powei means in mosi
siiuaiions ii's delegaied io menial
iasls. Gianied, ile iPad can do a loi
of liiile ilings veiy well bui so can a
s:oo neibool. Suie, you don'i gei a
fancy ioucl scieen bui I was undei ile
impiession ilai ile fuiuie was aboui
efficiency ovei noveliy.
So lei's iall aboui games. I am a
gamei wlo owns muliiple consoles
ianging fiom Aiaii io PS and a
deceni PC. So wlai does ile iPad offei
someone lile me foi wlom digiial
enieiiainmeni is a laidwaie necessiiy?
Well, I lope you lile Sudolu.
Tle iPad is noi a game console, ii's a
disiiaciion macline.
If ileie's one iling ile iPad offeis
in ieims of gaming, ii's poien-
iial. If ileie's one iling ile iPad's
game libiaiy does, ii's io squandei
ilai poieniial. Deep, compelling
gaming expeiiences aie iiaded in
foi beauiiful iime-wasieis ilai don'i
piovide a sense of accomplislmeni
as mucl as a sense of "Wlai am I
doing wiil my life?" And if you play
anyiling wiil -D giaplics, you
quiclly iealie ilai ile iPad las
ile piocessing capabiliiies of a pie-
millennium compuiei. Tle plus side?
Tle games aie cleap. Tle downside?
ou can find lundieds of lasl games
online foi fiee ilai can piovide simi-
laily addiciing expeiiences. Ol waii .
ile iPad doesn'i suppoii lasl. I guess
you'ie siucl.
Well, wlai aboui music pioduciion?
Well, in :oio Damon Albain of Goiilla
aiiempied io slow ile capabiliiies of
ile iPad by cieaiing an eniiie album
("Tle all") wiil ile device. Tle
iesuli? Tle woisi Goiilla album io
daie. Soiiy, Damon. Tle iPad is noi a
music siudio, ii's a music accessoiy.
As a sonic ioy oi a sciaiclpad foi
musical ideas, ile iPad is pieiiy cool.
As anyiling else, ii's lacling. Seiious,
piofessional, veisaiile applicaiions
jusi aien'i ileie yei. Tleie aie seveial
useful applicaiions wlicl do lave ieal-
woild poieniial bui low mucl aie you
going io pay foi digiial sleei music?
oi ile same piice as oi less ilan a
base-level iPad, you could puiclase
sofiwaie ilai is mucl moie veisaiile
oi some laidwaie ilai is mucl moie
useful and gei youi lome siudio
siaiied off piopeily. And if you'ie dead-
sei on feeding Apple money, you could
gei Apple's Logic Pio sofiwaie (siqq)
and siill lave lundieds of dollais lefi
foi micioplones and clocolaie bais.
As a musician, I feel sloii-clanged.
oi all iis beauiy and innovaiion, ile
iPad demonsiiably las no place in my
life ... and yei I can'i pui ii down.
Sieplen iy iefeiied io ile iPad as "a
magical device," and I concui - ii is a
mysiical objeci ilai wills you io use ii
wiil iis veiy exisience. ou wani ii io
be biilliani so you find a way io male
ii biilliani. Tle ioucl scieen is iniui-
iive and fun. In mosi cases ii males
wlaievei I'm doing ilai mucl moie
engaging. I wani io lave a good iime
wiil ii even if ile games aie slallow. I
wani io be cieaiive wiil ii even if ile
iools aie basic. To quoie ile immoiial
R. Kelly, "My mind is ielling me no
Bui my body My body's ielling me
yes."
oi you, ile iPad migli be eveiy-
iling you wani and moie. As ii siands,
I am siill noi in love. Maybe ile device
will giow on me. Maybe ii won'i. In
ile meaniime, all I lave io say is con-
giaiulaiions, Apple . you ciafiy sons
of guns you.
Allow me io iniioduce myself
I'm disconieni. Wly you asl? Of all
ile spoiis I covei and slow inieiesi
iowaid, ileie's no oilei ilai capiivaies
me lile piofessional basleiball. Sadly,
ilai means I'm siucl wiil ioday's
NBA.
Tleie was a iime wlen ile NBA was
an oiganiaiion liglly iegaided foi iis
compeiiiive spiiii. Tle playoffs weie
an eveni oiganied wiil i: ieams all
gieaily endowed wiil ile ialeni nec-
essaiy io iale ii all. Tlai was aboui
io-:o yeais ago. Today, my leaii giows
weaiy wiil ile ieceni esiablislmeni of
"supei ieams."
es, I'm one of ile few wlo laven'i
lopped on ile "big-iliee" bandwagon.
Tle :ooS big iliee fiom Bosion (laie
ilem), ile big iliee in Miami (despise
ilem even moie) and, ilis season, ile
failed aiiempi io male a big iliee in
Los Angeles (disconieni indesciibable,
so use youi imaginaiion) aie all exam-
ples of supeisiai playeis combining
ileii ialenis on one ieam. Tlis pooling
of eliie ialeni means ile iemaining
NBA ieams aie lefi devoid of any siais
io leep ilese ieams inieiesiing.
oigive my unapologeiic demeanoi
bui wlen exacily did ilis become ile
movie "Space }am"? Suie }oidan lad a
ialenied gioup wiil lim in ile q-q6
season, bui le didn'i lave Magic
}olnson and Haleem Olajuwon foi
poini and ceniei Eveiyone was simply
ai an undeisianding ilai, despiie
ile piesence of Dennis Rodman and
Scoiiy Pippen, ile siai was Miclael
}oidan and wiiloui lim iley wouldn'i
lave made a clampionslip iun.
}oidan was ile iype of compeiiioi
ilai wanied io beai ile oilei all-siai
playeis, noi ally wiil ilem. Afiei yeais
of waicling }oidan siiive io impiove
lis game and oveicome siubboin
opponenis (see Deiioii Pisions, ala,
ile Bad Boys) I lave no compassion
foi ile siai playeis wlo ilougli ii
necessaiy io iun io a ieam wlo would
delivei iwo oilei siais in lopes of
winning a iiile, noi io meniion any
names (cougl, cougl, LeBion).
Now, in ile beginning :oii-:oi:
season, oi ile iemains ileieof, we
leaid iumois of ile Laleis iiying io
buy oui Dwigli Howaid, ile all-siai
ceniei fiom Oilando. Moieovei, we see
anoilei game-clanging eliie playei,
poini guaid Cliis Paul, iiaveling io
ile Clippeis io be coupled wiil soplo-
moie sensaiion Blale Giiffin along
wiil one of ile mosi posiseason-
savvy guaids in ile league, Clauncey
Billups.
Wlai's ile sum ioial of ii all? If busi-
ness coniinues in ilis mannei, ile
NBA will be filled wiil a majoiiiy of
ieiiible ieams wlile we focus on ile
foui oi five siacled wiil ile majoi-
iiy of eliie ialeni, siais and iecoids.
Howevei, since ile majoiiiy of beei
cluggin', popcoin siuffin' fans jusi
wani ile enieiiainmeni of a compeii-
iive league, clange will be a long iime
coming. So wlai aie my piediciions
foi :oi? NBA Clampions Los Angeles
Laleis, inals co-MVP's: Kobe Biyani,
Dwigli Howaid, Deiiicl Rose, Kevin
Duiani and Blale Giiffin.
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