After 15 years of marriage I feel that I've earned the privilege of writing this

article.
I know that compared to some long-serving married couples in their eighties I may
seem like a spring chicken. But sometimes it's not just about 'time served', but
rather the quality of that time spent in 'Holy Matrimony' that counts. In addition
it's how to overcome obstacles that really put relationships to the test. It's all
about how you deal with these challenges as a unit, a partnership, a team!

Step 1 - Marry someone you like!

Before even getting to the altar please make sure you actually like the person you
intend to spend the rest of your life with. This may sound redundant, but it's
amazing how many couples seem to have nothing in common and develop resentment
towards each other because of this divide. This dislike of one's spouse is
portrayed in sitcoms all the time - do not let yourself become a caricature!
Calling all prospective brides - a romantic courtship, engagement, build-up to a
wedding; all the planning, excitement and expectations, does not mean the marriage
will be perfect and smooth. Be prepared for a reality check after returning home
from the honeymoon. Your husband may not seem as attentive, and you are not the
center of attention any more and may never be to the same extent again. Most of us
are not princesses. Deal with it! Marriage is tough and that's why you need to be
good friends so you can make it - together - through the bad times, because they
will inevitably come, and so will all the great times - which you can create for
yourselves almost all of the time. If you can have fun together, laugh through it
all, overcome challenges - then you are indeed a match made in heaven!

Step 2 - Roles- Plan your married life as well as your wedding!

It's important before taking any vows that both parties are comfortable with their
roles. In my household equality in every sense of the word, is the key to our
happiness. If your intended wants to be waited on hand and foot - don't marry
him/her unless you want to fulfill such a role. But find out first what his/her
expectations of a spouse are. Talk about it! Discuss it! Come to an agreement.
It's all about compromise. Who will be the main bread winner? If it's the woman of
the relationship - guys would you be comfortable with that? If you're a career-
oriented woman would you be content if that had to change for any reason - be it
relocation, childbirth, etc? Believe me this is important - I didn't clean for
years after getting married for fear of being labeled a housewife! And because of
a power struggle one year the Christmas tree didn't come down until Mid-March!
My husband and I have swapped roles many times - he is now the main earner and a
few years ago it was me bringing in the dough! Doesn't matter as long as each
person is comfortable with their role in the partnership!

Step 3 - Adore your spouse!

This should already be a given if you marry someone. But sadly the high divorce
rates speak otherwise! Endeavor to not only respect your 'better half' but strive
to adore them. You can detect this adoration clearly in couples who have been
married a long time. Furthermore start standing up for your partner after all who
do you most likely spend most of your time with? Who do you intended to grow old
with? Whether it's your parents, friend, siblings or just anyone you meet that is
criticizing your best friend - you should always be on their side! Unless, of
course, you know they are in the wrong or acting irrationally!

Step 4 - Drop the gender segregation (if it bothers you!)

This one was important in my own marriage. I did not want to be the little woman
left at home with or without babies, while my husband went off at night to have a
good time with the boys. Of course I didn't marry someone like that and this was
never really an issue for us. However, I had grown up seeing this happening so
often and vowed never to fall into such a trap.
The gender segregation issue is becoming more and more uncommon as we evolve. I've
never been the 'girly' type and hate to be 'dumped' with a group of women during a
family get-together while the guys go and play golf or whatever. I would actually
rather play golf than go shopping, for lunch or engage in any number of other
female activities. I want to ski, ride horses, sail, kayak - you name it! I can't
stand talking about other people's babies, kids, houses etc. So, if you're like
me, make sure it never becomes an issue, because it can cause many heated
arguments!

Step 5 - The Policy of Truth!

Now this is the most important of all! It doesn't matter what you need to confess
- tell your beloved, and deal with the consequences! If it's infidelity, a
gambling problem, drug addiction or anything else - honesty is the best policy!
Without trust how can we ever be involved in a true and real relationship? Even if
there's an incident of infidelity it's not the end of the world! Remember we are
all human and temptation will inevitably come our way. If you do fall by the
wayside please do not lie to your spouse about it. A strong and solid relationship
will survive anything - believe me! Nobody is immune to problems and all we can
do, as my late father always said, is to do our best! But without honesty how can
a relationship survive? I do believe this is one of the major problems in our
society. Lie and get away with it - easily done! But really, at the end of the
day, we are lying to ourselves as well as everyone else. Fess up and face the
music! What's the worst that can happen? Divorce? Maybe - maybe not. Like I said,
if the partnership is strong enough and the friendship is there, it will be very
difficult to part company, especially after many years of marriage.
It's actually easier to forgive in such cases! What a concept! Many times it also
brings a couple closer together and opens up a dialogue that may never have been
possible before.

Step 6 - Share your social life

Girls - learn how to 'hang' with the boys! Boys - be 'nice' around the girls!
A healthy and active social life is crucial to us all, so try and marry someone
with
whom you can share this most necessary of functions. I seem to be an enigma in
some circles because I can so easily 'hang out' at bars with my husband and his
male colleagues/friends - and they seem to love it! It's all about compromise and
learning to give and take folks! I may have very little in common with my
husband's fellow car salesmen, but I can drink at a bar and keep an interesting
conversation going! Half the battle! Then the guys start asking about you rather
than resenting your company! They want you to be there and they wish their own
wives could do the same! See what I'm saying? Why marry someone who objects if you
drink at a bar and will not join you on a night out if that's your lifestyle?
Go out places together as much as you can. Sometimes you may want a night out
alone, and that's okay so long as you allow your spouse the same privilege! But
the most fun is had when you hit the town together and have a great night out! If
you both end up in a strip joint or at a drag show - so what - you have no-one to
explain your actions to do you? And guys can you hang out with a group of girls?
My husband can, and in fact he's an expert at it! If you can't handle your other
half's friends and social life try this trick if you want your marriage to last
and actually be fun - let go sometimes and be the observer - stand back in a
social situation and just observe the people and events around you. Make it a game
if you like - in some ways life is just that! Let go of your pre-conceived ideas
and notions of people and just chat idly without really revealing much about
yourself! You'll be surprised that most people need to talk about their own lives
and would really welcome a listening ear! Think about it guys - how many women
would open their hearts up to you if you just stood and listened attentively! Just
think about how much you would learn about the 'gentler' sex? Often in this
society women are still shut down and ignored just because of their gender. We
need to express ourselves - so listen up!!
Step 7 - talk openly about money.
I don't exactly know the statistics but I read once that money issues are the root
cause of many divorces and marital problems. I can't offer financial advice, but I
can share some tips. One person needs to be assigned as the bookkeeper of the
household. This role is usually filled by the wife for some reason but of course
it's very flexible - just like everything should be in a successful marriage! To
avoid spending discrepancies keep detailed records of your outgoings and if
there's any left over - treat yourselves! Don't keep expenditures you may be
ashamed of secret form your spouse. An expensive dress you cannot afford,
ridiculously expensive perfume, liquor, or a bad night at a casino or whatever -
should be accounted for. Trust me you won't get away with it for long and to avoid
a huge row or even more serious consequences please just come clean! We've all
been there - just admit it! It all comes down to the policy of truth at the end of
the day. I cannot emphasize this enough! Nobody is trying to spoil your fun in
life, trying to control you or out to get you in a marriage. Your other half is
merely concerned or just very worried about life in general. Please be mindful of
your beloved's feelings and try not to be so selfish. We're in this together! Plan
your finances and be sure you know what you can and cannot afford.

Step 8 - be flexible
Flexibility is essential in any good partnership. If your partner likes bowling
and wants you to accompany him/her on a league - just go along with it and look at
it as a fun social activity even if, like me, you hate the sport! If it's a poker
night your husband wants, let him do it! And if you want a night discussing the
meaning of life, yoga or knitting then he should allow you the same flexibility!
He may even join in! If something your significant other does really annoys you,
just take a moment and ask yourself why it bothers you so much and you may learn a
lot about yourself in the process. If it's something that's just purely annoying
then discuss it with him/her. Do not let anything fester in a relationship. You
really can't sweep things under rugs because those rugs will eventually be picked
up and beaten clean!

Step 9 - respect your in-laws! Make an effort!

My mother once told me that you marry your in-laws when you marry your intended!
Never a truer word spoken! Regardless of how you feel about your in-laws you must,
for the sake of your marriage, endeavor to be polite, respectful and try to get
along. Some of us are exceptionally lucky in this department and others are
unfortunate. However your lifestyle, beliefs and ethics differ to your spouse's
family please try your best, even when you are confronted with hostility and
resentment. I think this is especially true for women who have maybe taken away a
precious son from his mother! Be wary - but be sensitive!
Spouses also need to stand their ground when their parents are rude or resentful
to their new wife/husband for any reason.

Step 10 - be supportive
Your spouse is going through a bad time. They've lost their job, maybe a loved
one, have had surgery or are experiencing a break down. Please just be there for
them. Maybe it's not possible to rectify the situation or change your loved one's
condition, but you can be by their side and hold their hand, and oftentimes that
is enough. Try not to judge, try not to dismiss the situation as trivial and try
to remain objective. You're dealing with your best friend remember. It's very
stressful when you are confronted with a person who is a physical or emotional
wreck that was previously the strongest character you knew. You now have to become
the rock of the relationship and take over for a while. We must all be prepared
for this in a marriage.

Step 11 - communicate!!
Ah - this is a big one! I don't exactly mean call your wife/husband if you're
going to be late at the office (although that is important!) What I'm getting at
is truly communicating your feelings, ideas, dreams and goals with your
husband/wife. How often have you asked your other half when they're in a bad or
sad mood 'what's the matter' only to be rudely told, 'nothing, why?'
Nothing can break the line of communication worse than this sulky statement! How
much better would it be if you opened up and explained the cause of your distress
and then maybe receiving some support in return?
A lot of people feel that getting married somehow kept them back from some career
goal, traveling opportunity etc. especially if they tied the knot at a young age.
If this is the case discuss the dream you wanted to pursue and never got around to
- you never know it may become a reality if you express your desires. If you turn
it into resentment against your spouse it can only lead to negativity and
distress. Open up and share everything - you share a bed (presumably!), share each
others bodies (hopefully!) share food and lodging - why can't you share your inner
thoughts and feelings just as easily? I do believe men are more prone to this than
women. If you're afraid of voicing your inner self then how do you expect your
loved one to really get to know you? Try it and see where it goes. How can it
hurt? All it can do is bring you closer, if you truly love and trust your
wife/husband.

Step 12 - enjoy each others company. Make it special!

As a conclusion I can't stress enough the importance of just having fun together
and doing the little things that make life worth living. You cango for a nice
scenic drive every Sunday, or go out to dinner at a favorite restaurant every
Friday night. You can stay up until four in the morning just talking like you used
to when you first met! Watch movies together and discuss your opinions of them
over a drink afterwards! You can go camping and chat around the campfire all night
- with (hopefully) no distractions! You can be really daring and make love in a
public place (without getting caught of course!) Go swimming and splash around
together like a young courting couple. You can go kayaking, sailing, learn Spanish
- there are countless things you can enjoy and experience as a couple! If you can
afford it take a second honeymoon or go off somewhere without telling anyone!
But most times the best things in life are free - and that's just being together!
Enjoy and appreciate this special gift!