Chapter 4

Revising and Proofreading Business Messages

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Ch. 4-1

Revising and Proofreading

Revising: Improving content and sentence structure. May involve adding, cutting, recasting. Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.
Ch. 4-2

Proofreading:

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness. Instead of this:
We are of the opinion that Please feel free to In addition to the above At this point in time Despite the fact that

Try this:
We think Please Also Now Although
Ch. 4-3

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Wordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this:
We dont as a general rule cash personal checks. Students in very few instances receive parking tickets. She calls meetings on a monthly basis.

Try this:
We dont generally cash personal checks. Students seldom receive parking tickets. She calls monthly meetings.
Ch. 4-4

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this:
This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today. I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.

Try this:
All employees meet today. Thanks to everyone who voted.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Ch. 4-5

Outdated Expressions
Outdated:
as per your request pursuant to your request

Modern:
at your request at your request

attached hereunto
under separate cover

attached
separately

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Ch. 4-6

Needless Adverbs
To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, actually, and so forth. Instead of this: Try this:
The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable. The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Ch. 4-7

Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space. Instead of this:
There are two employees who should be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out.

Try this:
Two employees should be promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were singled out.
Ch. 4-8

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
This e-mail message is to inform you that in all probability we will actually finish in two weeks. We will probably finish in two weeks.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e
Ch. 4-9

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
There are many brokers who are quite certain that these stocks are completely safe. Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-10

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
Pursuant to your request, there are two contracts that are attached hereto. As you requested, two contracts are attached.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e
Ch. 4-11

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.
All employees are hereby informed that as a general rule computers may not be used for personal activities. Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-12

Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back thought and consideration

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-13

Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.

Computer jargon:
queue export bandwidth

Alternative language:
list of documents waiting to be printed transfer data from one program to another Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-14

Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to bag on clueless turkey chill/chill out to tease, to nag, to complain unaware, nave someone stupid or silly relax

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-15

Clichs
Avoid clichs (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.
Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone. Finally, you should work diligently.

We had reached the end of our rope.

We could go no further.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-16

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichs, and redundancies.
Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case. Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-17

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichs, and redundancies.
With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked. With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-18

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichs, and redundancies.
Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1. Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-19

Precise Verbs
Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
Market researchers said that profits would improve.

What more precise verbs could replace said?

Market researchers forecasted improved profits. Market researchers promised improved profits. Market researchers predicted improved profits.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-20

Precise Verbs
Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense. The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.

An application must be made by the job seeker. The job seeker must apply.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-21

Precise Verbs
TIP: Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-22

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence using more precise verbs.
The seller said he would contact you. The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax] you.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-23

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.
We must give encouragement to our team. We must encourage our team.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-24

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.
Have you made an application for employment? Have you applied for employment?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-25

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.
A duty of the general manager is the calculation of monthly sales. The general manager calculates monthly sales.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-26

Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.
The establishment of new methods was effected by Kevin. Kevin established new methods.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-27

Concrete Nouns
Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.
The man asked for a raise. Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase. An employee presented a proposal. Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-28

Vivid Adjectives
Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, allpurpose ones.
The report was good. The report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive). The report was bad. (Possible revisions?)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-29

What to Watch for in Proofreading

Spelling

Grammar
Punctuation

Names and numbers

Format
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-30

How to Proofread Complex Documents

Allow adequate time. Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-31

How to Proofread Complex Documents

For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout. Spell names. Spell difficult words. Note capitalization. Note punctuation.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-32

End

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-33