Dating, Courtship and

Going Steady
 Dating
Dating is the process of meeting people socially for
possible mate selection.
Dating emerged in the U.S. in the 20th century and
became well established in the 1950s.
The term dating refers to a couple setting a
specific date, time, and place to meet.
Dating is part of the marriage market, in which
prospective spouses compare the assets and
liabilities of eligible partners and choose the best
available mate.
 Dating

During the 2oth century, the concept of dating

began
Young people would meet at church or community
events, such as dances etc and went out initially in
larger groups of friends
By the 1920s men began taking the initiative and
asking women out and paying for the event
1930s the idea of going out meant you were an
exclusive couple but not necessarily discussing
marriage
1950s Western idea of romantic love dating,
falling in love and then marriage
Market experience perspective dating was
effective because you could get to know the person ,
judge their character etc and then decide on the
characteristics that you were looking for in a mate
Bernard Murnstein individuals pass their dates
through a series of filters to screen out
unacceptable partners and to select someonemre
like themselves
 Why Do We Date?
Manifest functions
Maturation - adolescent has reached puberty
Recreation
Companionship
Love and affection
Mate selection

Latent functions
Socialization - learning about gender roles, family structures
Gaining social status - dating can enhance prestige
Fulfilling ego needs by being asked out or accepted
Opportunities for sexual experimentation and intimacy
Big business - economic market for products and services
 The Dating Spectrum
Traditional Dating
Males and females follow culturally defined and clear
gender role scripts.
Cultural variations include
coming out balls, bar and bat mitzvahs
Going steady and getting pinned were common patterns
of courtship after WWII.

Contemporary dating patterns tend to be either casual or

serious.
Casual dating behaviors include
hanging out, getting together, pack dating and hooking
up
serious patterns tend to lead to cohabitation,
engagement and marriage
 The Dating Spectrum

Traditional and contemporary combination

behaviors:
proms, homecoming parties, and dinner dates
are traditional
contemporary changes to these include women
asking out men and sharing the costs

Dating in later life

can provide companionship to those who are
widowed or divorced
can be daunting because of nervousness, worry,
or bitterness
 Meeting Others

Many people meet dating partners through friends and

family.
Other avenues include:
Personal classified advertisementstwice as many
men place ads as do women.
Mail-order bridesAmerican men often seek wives
from Asian or Russian countries.
Professional matchmakerspeople pay for advice.
Speed datingallows people to meet face to face in a
short period of time, to decide mutual interest.
Cyberdatingthe Internet allows people to interact
before meeting, although it has disadvantages as well.
 Choosing Whom We Date

Filter theory asserts that

we sift eligible people
according to specific criteria
and thus narrow the pool of
potential partners.

The major filtering

mechanism is Homogamy:
(sometimes called
endogamy): dating and
marrying someone with
similar social characteristics
such as ethnicity and age.
 Elements of Homogamy

Propinquity is geographic closeness.

Physical appearance
Looks matter. Men and women choose partners
whose physical attractiveness is similar to their
own.
Culture matters in perception of beauty.

Ethnicity and Race

Race and ethnicity play a major role in who we
date and marry.
 Elements of Homogamy

Religion plays a major role in dating and mate

selection.
Age Tendency to marry within the same age
group.
Social Class most people marry within their
social class because they share similar attitudes,
values, and lifestyles.
Values college students value dependability,
stability, intelligence, sociability, and looks,
among other characteristics.
 Heterogamy
Heterogamy, often used interchangeably with exogamy,
refers to dating or marrying someone from a social,
racial, ethnic, religious, or age group different from
ones own.
Homogamy narrows our pool of eligible partners, but
many people expand their marriage markets through
heterogamy.
Dating and mate selection can move people up or down
the social ladder.
Hypergamy involves dating and marrying someone with
similar or higher social characteristics
Hypogamy involves marrying down in terms of social
class.
Interfaith dating and marriages
Interracial and Interethnic relationships
 IMPORTANCE OF
DATING
Development of
poise in social
situations.
Development of social
skills.
Gain understanding
of the opposite sex.
Development of sense
of humor.
Dating Rules -- Do's

1. Do try to always look your best and be

punctual. Showing up late or looking messy
gives the impression that you don't care --
and, if that's the case, why go out with this
person in the first place?
2. Do try to enjoy yourself on dates. Yes,
finding your soul mate is serious business,
and it can sometimes even be a scary
endeavor, but keep in mind that this is
supposed to be fun.
3. Do compliment your date on how he
or she looks. Men and women tend to
put a lot of effort into getting ready for a
date, and it's nice (and flattering) to
hear that all that energy paid off.
4. Do be interested and interesting. Ask
questions, share insights and pay
attention when your date is telling you
what they like to do, read, watch, listen
to, etc.
5. Do tell someone directly if you're not
interested in seeing them again. Lying and
stringing people along simply because
you're too scared to tell them the truth is
selfish and hurtful. If you don't want to go
on another date with someone, let them
down as gently -- but firmly -- as possible.
6. Do date only people you're attracted to, no
matter what your friends say. Approval by
your peers doesn't prove a thing.
7. Do stay positive, even when dates don't end
well. It is most certainly true that you will
date a few frogs before you find a prince.
Along the way, you will probably meet some
pretty nice people.
8. Do plan ahead. Dating is a creative
diversion that requires concentration and
energy, so make arrangements ahead of time
and let your date know you put some thought
into the evening.
9. Do be proactive about finding people to date. The
man or woman you've been searching for your
whole life is probably not going to come ring your
doorbell and beg you to go to dinner anytime soon.
Dating requires action, so get out there and meet as
many people as you can.
10. Do surround yourself with positive, like-minded
people who are dating, too. Part of the fun of dating
is celebrating, comparing notes and commiserating
with your friends. Surround yourself with positive
people who are rooting for you to succeed at love
and will be there for you if/when you need
emotional support.
Dating Rules -- Don'ts
1. Don't call, text message or email someone you've just
started seeing more than once a day unless they reply (or
in the event of an emergency). Desperation and instability
are major turnoffs.
2. Don't date the kind of people who've hurt you in the
past. Many of us are attracted to people who are bad for
us, but it's important to break these patterns and seek out
healthy relationships with matches who won't demean you
or make you feel bad about yourself in any way.
3. Don't be late for a date. It's just rude. If you have to
change your plans, give the other person as much notice
and consideration as possible. And always apologize.
4. Don't lie to your date or about any aspect of your life, even if the
truth isn't as sexy or you're worried they won't like it. It would be
awful to ruin a potentially life-changing relationship with your
perfect match because of some silly lie you told early on to impress
him or her.
5. Don't be too available. We don't mean you should play games,
but if you're free every night, you're probably not taking care of
yourself, pursuing your own interests and spending time with your
friends -- which means you're probably not very interesting to talk
to. People with full, exciting lives make the best dates.
6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the beginning.
Revealing your innermost secrets on the second date can lead to
rejection. Don't be scared to open up, but remember that getting to
know someone takes time, and you should let your relationship
evolve.
7. Don't check out other people when you're on a date. Ever. This is
just tacky. You may think you are subtle, but while you're scoping
the cutie in the corner, your date will be heading for the door.
Extend your partner the courtesy of concentrating solely on them
while you're with them.
8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will
get you everywhere.
9. Don't ignore your personal safety. Carry your cell phone and
keep it charged -- and make sure to tell your friends where you're
going and when you'll be back. First dates should take place in
well-lit public places. Don't ever let yourself be coerced into going
anywhere or doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.
10. Don't give out personal information like your home phone
number or address on the first date. Keep these details to yourself
until you trust the person you're dating.
11. Don't have sex on dates. If you like someone and are interested
in getting to know them better (and possibly having a relationship),
sex on dates will likely ruin everything. It's much too soon, it's not
romantic and it communicates to the other person that you're more
interested in their physical characteristics than in finding out who
they are.
12. Never date a married person. Statistically, it is very unlikely that
they will ever leave their husband or wife for you. Dating someone
who's married is the best way to serve yourself a heaping helping of
misery, lies, deceit, sadness and heartache. If you are married,
separate before dating. If you're single, don't be a shoulder to cry
on -- you deserve better. Go out and find someone who's
emotionally (and legally) available to you!
 DATING SKILLS
Good
Conversationalist
Right facial expression
& correct gestures
Proper introductions
Good social manners
Appropriate activities
Courtship
 What is courtship?
It is choosing among
your friends a possible
person whom you want
to spend the rest of
your life with
is the traditional
dating period before
engagement and
marriage
Courtship includes activities like

Going together for a dinner, a movie,

dance parties, a picnic, shopping or
general "hanging out", along with
other forms of activity.
sending text messages or picture
messages
conversing over the telephone
writing each other letters
sending each other flowers, songs,
and gifts
 Courtship and Dating: Filipino Style

Filipino dating customs are very unique and are

rooted from the pre-colonial period. Filipino women
are basically shy. Young Filipina ladies are being
taught to be modest and graceful too. It is taboo for
women to take the first move with men. The family's
reputation is at stake if the woman will break this
rule. This is one reason why Filipino parents oversee
the activities of their children especially their
daughters.
The traditional
dalagang Pilipina
(Filipina maiden) is
shy and secretive
about her real
feelings for a suitor
and denies it even
though she is really in
love with the man.
Tuksuhan lang (just teasing) is the usual
term associated with pairing off potential
couples in Filipino culture. This is
common among teenagers and young
adults. It is a way of matching people who
may have mutual admiration or affection
for each other. It may end up in a romance
or avoidance of each other if the situation
becomes embarrassing for both individuals.
Tuksuhan (teasing--and a girl's reaction to it) is
a means for 'feeling out' a woman's attitude
about an admirer or suitor. If the denial is
vehement and the girl starts avoiding the boy,
then he gets the message that his desire to pursue
her is hopeless. The advantage of this is that he
does not get embarrassed because he has not
started courting the girl in earnest. As in most
Asian cultures, Filipinos avoid losing face.
Basted (from English busted) is the Tagalog
slang for someone who fails to reach 'first base'
in courting a girl because she does not have any
feelings for him to begin with.
If the girl 'encourages' her suitor (either by being nice
to him or not getting angry with the 'teasers'), then
the man can court in earnest and the tuksuhan
eventually ends. The courtship then has entered a
'serious' stage, and the romance begins.

A man who is unable to express his affection to a

woman (who may have the same feelings for him) is
called a torpe (stupid), dungo (extremely shy), or
simply duwag (coward). To call a man torpe means
he does not know how to court a girl, is playing
innocent, or does not know she also has an affection
for him.
If a man is torpe, he needs a tulay (bridge)--anyone
who is a mutual friend of him and the girl he loves--
who then conveys to the girl his affection for her. It is
also a way of 'testing the waters' so to speak. If the
boy realizes that the girl does not have feelings for him,
he will then not push through with the courtship, thus
saving face.

Some guys are afraid of their love being turned down

by the girl. In Tagalog, a guy whose love has been
turned down by the girl is called sawi (romantically
sad), basted (busted), or simply labless (loveless).
Panliligaw or ligawan are the Tagalog terms for
courtship, which in some parts of the Tagalog-
speaking regions is synonymous with pandidiga or
digahan (from Spanish diga, 'to say, express').
Manliligaw is the one who courts a girl; nililigawan is
the one who is being courted.
A man who is interested in courting a woman has to be
discreet and friendly at first, in order not to be seen as
too presko or mayabang (aggressive or too
presumptuous). Friendly dates are often the starting
point, often with a group of other friends. Later,
couples may go out on their own, but this is still to be
done discreetly. If the couple has decided to come out
in the open about their romance, they will tell their
family and friends as well.
 If a man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he
has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself
formally to the parents of the girl. It is rather
inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the
relationship without informing the parents of the girl.
It is always expected that the guy must show his face to
the girl's family. And if a guy wants to be acceptable to
the girl's family, he has to give pasalubong (gifts) every
time he drops by her family's house. It is said that in
the Philippines, courting a Filipina means courting her
family as well.
In courting a Filipina, the
metaphor often used is that of
playing baseball. The man is
said to reach 'first base' if the
girl accepts his proposal to go
out on a date for the first
time. Thereafter, going out
on several dates is like
reaching the second and third
bases. A 'home-run' is one
where the girl formally
accepts the man's love, and
they become magkasintahan
(from sinta, love), a term for
boyfriend-girlfriend.
During the old times and in the rural areas of the
Philippines, Filipino men would make harana
(serenade) the women at night and sing songs of love
and affection. This is basically a Spanish influence.
The man is usually accompanied by his close friends
who provide moral support for the guy, apart from
singing with him.
Filipino women are expected to be pakipot (playing
hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate
behavior in a courtship dance. By being pakipot, the
girl tells the man that he has to work hard to win her
love. It is also one way by which the Filipina will be
able to measure the sincerity of her admirer. Some
courtships could last years before the woman accepts
the man's love.
A traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipinpa maiden) is
someone who is mahinhin (modest, shy, with good
upbringing, well-mannered) and does not show her
admirer that she is also in love with him immediately.
She is also not supposed to go out on a date with
several men. The opposite of mahinhin is malandi
(flirt), which is taboo in Filipino culture as far as
courtship is concerned.
After a long courtship, if the
couple later decide to get
married, there is the Filipino
tradition of pamamanhikan
(from panik, to go up the
stairs of the house), where
the man and his parents visit
the woman's family and ask
for her parents blessings to
marry their daughter. It is
also an occasion for the
parents of the woman to get
to know the parents of the
man.
During pamamanhikan,
the man and his parents
bring some pasalubong
(gifts). It is also at this
time that the wedding
date is formally set, and
the couple become
engaged to get married.
Why shouldnt courtship
be regarded as wasting
time?
Is there any prescribed
length of courtship? Why
or Why not?
 Going Steady
-dating exclusively
-in a relationship
- boyfriend-girlfriend
-Dating only one
 Why GO STEADY?

Mutual
Preference or
Affection
Social security
Social Pressure
Practical Reasons
DISADVANTAGES OF GOING
STEADY

1. Limit friendship
2. Limit choices
3. Personality
Development is
one- sided
4. Too involved
Case Analysis: Going on a
Date
Elaine, 16, has been going steady with
Bobby, 18, for four months now. On
their dates, they often go to quiet,
poorly lit places, where they can be
alone with each other. They have
began to express their affection
physically, and now Bobby is beginning
to say that they should show their love
for each other by going all the way.
Cooperative Discussion of 6:
1.What does Bobby want? By asking this
from Elaine, does it mean that he loves
her very much?
2.If Elaine says yes to him, will it mean
she also loves him very much?
3.How might involvement in premarital sex
spoil Elaines future and prevent her from
realizing her goal?
4. Consider this scenario:
Elaine is happily
married to Bobby.
Would their relationship
be stronger if she had
said yes to sex before
they married?
 5. Another scenario: Elaine
yielded to the pressure from
Bobby and she had premarital
sex with him. Then, Bobby after
the affair decided to break up
with her because they were not
compatible. What could be the
feelings of Elaine in this
situation.