Part 8

The women just dont ask. This incident and the associate deans
explanation sug-gested to Linda the existence of a more
pervasive problem. Could it be that women dont get more of
the things they want in life in part because they dont think to
ask for them? Are there external pressures that discourage
women from asking as much as men do and even keep them
from realizing that they can ask? Are women really less likely
than men to ask for what they want?
 The more than 100 interviews we conductedwith men and women from a
range of professions (including full-time mothers) and from Britain and
Europe as well as the United Statessupported these findings.6 When asked
to identify the last negotiation in which they had participated, the majority
of the women we talked to named an event several months in the past and
described a recognized type of structured negotiation, such as buying a car.
(The exceptions were women with small children, who uniformly said, I
negotiate with my kids all the time.) The majority of the men described an
event that had occurred within the preceding week, and frequently identified
more informal transactions, such as negotiating with a spouse over who
would take the kids to soccer practice, with a boss to pay for a larger-size
rental car because of a strained back, or with a colleague about which parts
of a joint project each team member would undertake. Men were also more
likely to mention more ambiguous situationssituations that could be
construed as negotiations but might not be by many people. For the most
part, the men we talked to saw negotiation as a bigger part of their lives
and a more com-mon event than the women did
 But just because women dont ask for things as often as men do, is
that necessarily a problem? Perhaps directly negotiating for
advantageasking for what you wantis a male strategy, and
women simply employ other equally effective strategies to get what
they want. This is an important point, but only partly accurate.
Women often worry more than men about the impact their actions will
have on their relationships. This can prompt them to change their
behavior to protect personal connections, sometimes by asking for
things indirectly, sometimes by asking for less than they really want,
and sometimes simply by trying to be more deserving of what they
want (say, by working harder) so theyll be given what they want
without asking. Women also frequently take a more collaborative
approach to problem solving than men take, trying to find solutions
that benefit both parties or trying to align their own requests with
shared goals
 In many cases, employers actually respect candidates more for
pushing to get paid what theyre worth. This means that women dont
merely sacrifice additional income when they dont push to be paid
more, they may sacrifice some of their employers regard too. The
experience of Hope, a business school professor, tells this story
clearly. When she completed graduate school, Hope was offered a
job at a prestigious manage-ment consulting firm. Not wanting to
start off on the wrong foot, she accepted the firms initial salary
offer without asking for more. Although she feared that negotiating
her salary would damage her new bosses impression of her, the
opposite occurred: She later learned that her failure to negotiate
almost convinced the senior management team that theyd made a
mistake in hiring her
 Besides not realizing that asking is possible, many women avoid
negotiating even in situations in which they know that
negotiation is appropriate and expected (like the female
students in the starting salary study)
20 percent of the women polled said that they never negotiate
at all.13 Although this seems unlikely (perhaps these women think
of their negotiations as something else, such as problem-
solving or compromising or even going along to get along),
their statement conveys a strong antipathy toward negotiating
among a huge number of women. (In the United States alone,
20 percent of the female adult population equals 22 million
people.)
 That many women feel uncomfortable using negotiation to advance
their interests and feel more uncomfortable on average than
menwas confirmed by a section of Lindas Internet survey. This part
of the survey asked respondents to consider various scenarios and
indicate whether they thought negotiation would be appropriate in
the sit-uations described. In situations in which they thought
negotiation was appropriate, re-spondents were also asked to report
how likely they would be to negotiate in that situation.
Particularly around work scenarios, such as thinking they were due for
a promotion or a salary increase, women as a group were less likely
to try to negotiate than meneven though they recognized that
negotiation was appropriate and probably even necessary.
 In Western society, which is dominated by science and technology, cognitive
intelli-gence has long been elevated to a supreme status. Achievement tests
developed during the twentieth century used a formula based on the ratio
between a persons age and his mental capabilities (based on his test
answers) to determine that persons intelligence quotient (IQ). Schools use
the IQ measures for student placements, and the military uses them to classify
soldiers into different roles
A negotiator must have cognitive intelligence to comprehend complex ideas,
to reason based on facts, to plan a course of action, to solve problems, and
to make rational deci-sions. Some researchers have argued that cognitive
intelligence can play a decisive role in complex negotiations with multiple
parties that are extended over a long period of time. Moreover, by having
cognitive abilities and negotiating rationally, negotiators are more likely to
avoid costly psychological traps, like an irrational commitment to escala-tion
(pursuing a failing course of action) or basing a judgment on irrelevant
information
 Cognitive abilities are necessary in negotiating, but not
sufficient. To negotiate effec-tively, you must also possess
emotional intelligence. Studies on the effect of emotions in
negotiations show that negotiators in a positive mood process
information more ef-fectively, are more creative, and thus are
more innovative in solving problems. In addi-tion, positive
emotions make the parties less contentious and more optimistic
about the future, which, in turn, increases the chances they will
search for multiple alternatives and find a better integrative
winwinagreement.
 Self-awareness means being cognizant of your own thoughts,
moods, impulses, and behavior, how they affect you, and how
they may affect the people with whom you are negotiating. As
the chairman of the peace talks in Northern Ireland in 1996,
former Sen-ate Majority Leader George Mitchell demonstrated
this ability. After meeting for a year and a half, and listening
for hundreds and hundreds of hours to the same arguments, he
looked inward and reflected upon his feelings.
 The importance of restraining and regulating emotions in
negotiations was recognized centuries ago. A man who is
naturally violent and easily carried away is ill fitted for the
conduct of negotiation, French diplomat Franois de Callires
wrote in his 1716 book
On the Manner of Negotiation with Princes
Self-regulation is not about masking all feelings; it is about
channeling emotions into behavior that is appropriate to the
situation. It is about mastering emotions so that you can repress
extreme anger when it is important to do so, and let it fly when
it is an equally strategic move.
 Self-motivation is the quality that enables you to pursue your
goals with persistence and energy in the face of difficulties and
frustrations, and to focus like a laser beam on what you want to
achieve.
Self-motivation may be difficult to maintain in high-stakes
negotiations, especially between parties who have been
involved in a decades-long protracted and violent con-flict. But
Shimon Peres, former prime minister of Israel, says having seen
wars and peace between Egypt, Jordan, and Israel has taught
him that what was an impossibility yesterday is a possibility
today. I am an optimist, he says, and when I get a no as an
answer, I am not angry. I dont lose my patience. I dont lose my
persistence.
 Indeed, patience may be a key to maintaining self-motivation.
Wide gaps between par-ties take time to resolve. In labor-
management negotiations, the give and take can be protracted
and the desired goal may take a long time. As AFLCIO
Secretary-Treasurer Richard Trumka says, You just keep
working your way through that. It is the virtue of patience that
propels you. If you expect to come and have everything fall
into place in two hours and then go to dinner, Trumka says,
then probably you are not suited to be a negotiator.
Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes longermonths and
years.
 In his influential 1983 book, Frames of Mind, Howard Gardner challenged
the impor-tance of the IQ test and suggested instead that individuals possess
a wide spectrum of in-telligences. These include the spatial intelligence of
artists and architects; the kinesthetic intelligence of dancers and athletes; the
musical intelligence of composers, musicians, and singers; and the
interpersonal intelligence of successful diplomats, salespeople, lawyers,
mediators, and teachers.

Interpersonal intelligenceor social intelligenceis the ability to understand

other people, what motivates them, and how to work cooperatively with
them. Socially intelli-gent negotiators know how to build relationships, are
good listeners, and enjoy interac-tions. They also tend to be good at
organizing groupscoordinating activities, and leading them. They excel in
finding mutually acceptable solutions. They are social analysts perceptive,
attentive, and able to detect what motivates people and what their concerns
are.

 You must possess cognitive, emotional, and interpersonal

intelligences in order to develop the triple competency that is
essential for a master negotiator. Among the many important
skills a negotiator needs to develop in order to be effective are
three paramount negotiating capabilities: mastering the
substance, building relationships and trust, and managing the
negotiation process
Cognitive intelligence is central to being able to master the
substance and the is-sues, and emotional and interpersonal
intelligences are central to being able to build re-lationships
and trust. Managing the negotiation process requires a
combination of all three of these intelligences