Descriptive and Sensory

Language
Miss Kramers ERWC class
Eastlake High School
 Original Paragraph
One weekend I was away from home and my mom called
with some bad news. I had just found out that my oldest first
cousin who was battling an alcohol addiction had passed.
Despite his flaws, he was my role model, he treated me as his
little sister and I looked up to him as an older brother. Once I
got home we couldn't leave because my mom was in the
process of getting a new passport. It was supposed to arrive
on a Tuesday, two days after he passed, and the funeral was
scheduled the for that Wednesday. We booked our tickets for
Tuesday night, but the passport never arrived. My mom was
on the phone for hours with UPS and finally confirmed we
would have it the following day. The funeral had to be
postponed.
 Focusing your topic
Begin your description by focusing on what
you are describing.
Place/thing/person/point in time/event

Original sentence: One weekend I was away from

home and my mom called with some bad news.
First revision: The phone rang. The call was from my
mom. She had some bad news.
 Adding details
Include important or unlikely details to add depth to
your scene
These may be sensory details or specific descriptions
Use exact, vivid words.

Use the following resources to find sensory words or

synonyms:
https://alex.state.al.us/uploads/29949/SensoryWords.
pdf List of sensory words
https://visuwords.com Visual dictionary and thesaurus
http://visual.merriam-webster.com/index.php Visual
dictionary- 15 themes
 Adding sensory details
Sensory details describe the five senses:
Briinnngggg!
Taste
Touch

Sound

Smell
Sight
 Sound
Use onomatopoeia or adjectives, verbs, and
nouns related to sound. What did it sound like?
Adjectives: Shrill, droning, breathily, silently
Verbs: Creaked, crashed, ticked, whispered
Nouns: Heartbeat, scream, alarm, howl, siren
Onomatopoeia: Crash! Boom! Beep! Thud! Hiss

Second revision: Brrrinnng!the phone shrilly rang.

My moms voice was quiet. She had some bad
news.
 Taste
Use adjectives, verbs, and nouns related to taste.
What did it taste like?
Adjectives: Salty, sweet, bitter, minty, tart, spicy
Verbs: Savored, relished, licked, chewed, tasted
Nouns: Acid, lemon, hint, overtone, aftertaste

Sample: I savored the steaming bowl of overly-salty

soup. The combination of earthy carrots, fatty beef,
and bitter herbs reminded me of my cousins St.
Pattys-day spread.
 Pair Share
Take a couple minutes to share the revisions
that you have made so far with your partner.

Is the revision focused?

Does it include elements of sound and taste
where appropriate?
Does the author use exact and vivid vocabulary
words to convey their meaning?
Which of these changes is most impactful for
the reader?
 Touch
Use adjectives, verbs, and nouns related to touch.
What did it feel like?
Adjectives: Rough, smooth, warm, porous, dry
Verbs: Warmed, caressed, prickled, froze, poked
Nouns: Jab, poke, hug, squeeze, vibration, shiver

Third revision: Brrrinnng!the phone shrilly rang.

My moms voice was quiet. She had some bad
news. My blood went cold as reality struck me.
 Sight
Use adjectives, verbs, and nouns related to sight.
What did it look like? What did you see?
Adjectives: Dirty, drab, sparkly, scruffy, homely
Verbs: Peered, noticed, squinted, eyed, gawked
Nouns: Glance, stare, view, landscape, painting

Fourth revision: Brrrinnng!the phone shrilly rang.

My moms voice was quiet. She had some bad
news. My blood went cold as reality struck me.
The once colorful and refreshing garden now
appeared empty and lifeless.
 Smell
Use adjectives, verbs, and nouns related to
smell. What did it smell like?
Adjectives: Burnt, smoky, putrid, musty, fishy
Verbs: Sniffed, wafted, rotted, drifted
Nouns: Stench, whiff, hint, perfume, aroma

Sample: As soon as he walked inside, the

overpowering aroma of baking bread mixed with
Pine-Sol wafted into the foyer.
 Pair Share
Take a couple minutes to share the revisions
that you have made so far with your partner.

Does the revision include elements of touch,

smell, and sight where appropriate?
Does the author use exact and vivid vocabulary
words to convey their meaning?
Which of these changes is most impactful for
the reader?
 Spatial Order
Clarify the setting or where things in your scene are
located.
Top to bottom, left to right, front to back
Prepositional phrases: In back of, to the left of
Adverbs: Above, beneath, behind, alongside
Adjectives: Long, extended, tiny, orderly, messy
Verbs: Stacked, shifted, surrounded by
Nouns: Pile, line, circle, row

Fifth revision: Brrrinnng!the phone on my lap shrilly rang.

My moms voice was quiet. She had some bad news. My
blood went cold as reality struck me. The once colorful and
refreshing garden surrounding me now appeared empty and
lifeless.
 Time Order
Clarify for the reader when this event happened. Your
scene may or may not flow in chronological order.

Prepositional phrases: Prior to, by the time

Adverbs: Suddenly, daily, beforehand, during
Adjectives: Slow, brief, swift, overdue
Verbs: Waited, sped by, crept, elapsed, passed
Nouns: Yesterday, last week, period, decade

Sixth revision: Brrrinnng!the phone on my lap shrilly rang.

My moms voice was quiet. My cousin had suddenly passed
away that morning. My blood went cold as reality struck me.
The once colorful and refreshing garden surrounding me now
appeared empty and lifeless.
 Consistent Tenses!
Dont forget to double-check that your use of
tense is appropriate for the scene that you are
creating.
Dont switch tenses unless there is a clear
need to do so.

Example: I was trudging through the snow, when

suddenly Helen sees a red cardinal in the trees.
The cardinal flies away before I reached the top
of the hill.
 Type of ending
End your paragraph in a way that serves your purpose for
writing. Make sure that your ending will transition well to
your following paragraph.
Endings may:
Be happy, tragic, surprising, or may include a twist
Be circular, connecting back to the beginning so that
readers end where they began
Be suspenseful and leave readers hanging

Final revision: Brrrinnng!the phone on my lap shrilly rang.

My moms voice was quiet. That morning, my cousin had
suddenly passed away. My blood went cold as reality struck
me. The once colorful and refreshing garden surrounding me
now appeared empty and lifeless. I put the phone back on my
lap and tried to inhale deeply.
 Final Tips
Avoid using too many adjectives and adverbs,
especially in a list.
The gross, slippery, slimy frog hopped sidelong into
the murky, green, and mossy pond, narrowly and
fortunately missing the waiting alligator.

Avoid using clichs. Write something original.

I was scared to death by the thought of falling. But

my boyfriend was beside me, and I was head-over-
heels in love with him. He has nerves-of-steel. He
gave me the courage to go on.
 Pair Share
Take a couple minutes to share the revisions that
you have made so far with your partner.

Does the revision include spatial and time order

where appropriate?
Does the author use exact and vivid vocabulary
words to convey their meaning?
Does the revision end in a meaningful and
appropriate way? (Optional)
Which of these changes is most impactful for the
reader?
 Whole Class Share Out
1. Select a revision from your pair that you
would like to share with the class.
2. If you typed your revision, copy and paste the
original version and the revised version into
an email to send to Miss Kramer.
3. If you handwrote your revision, be prepared
to read your revision aloud for the class.
 Revised Paragraph Sample
Brrrinnng!the phone on my lap shrilly rang. My
moms voice was quiet. My cousin had suddenly
passed away that morning. My blood went cold as
reality struck me. The once colorful and refreshing
garden surrounding me now appeared empty and
lifeless. The pain of his loss seared my heart and
mind. Dave had been battling an alcohol addiction
for the past six years; but I had learned to look past
his flaws. He was like a big brother to me. I put the
phone back on my lap and tried to inhale deeply.