A Book Review

Nurkholis Ainunnajib
Jakarta, Indonesia
 Helping
Children
Deal with
Their
Freeing Feeling
Children Engaging
from Playing Cooperation
Roles

Contents
Alternatives
Praise to
Punishment

Encouraging
Autonomy
Engaging Cooperation
Typical responses from parents (or teachers)
“You are supposed to
“Your dirty fingerprints
write three sentences “If you don’t spit that
are on the door again!
using adverbs of gum out this minute,
Why do you always do
manner; not irregular I’m going to open your
that? The trouble with
verbs. How dumb can mouth and take it out!
you is you never listen!
you get?

Blaming & Accusing Name-calling Threats

Typical responses from parents (or teachers)

“Why can’t you be “Just keep on being

“You still didn’t do the
more like your friend? selfish. You’ll see, no
instruction? What are
He always gets his one is ever gonna play
you waiting for? Do it
work done ahead of with you. You’ll have
NOW!”
time!” no friends.”

Commands Comparisons Threats

Is there any alternative for those statements?

1. Describe. Describe what you see, or

describe the problem.
2.Give information
3. Say it with a word
4.Talk about your feelings
5. Write a note
Let’s compare these examples!
Let’s compare these examples!
Let’s compare these examples!
Some considerations to think about:
- When you start to change, there might be a transition period. Be
ready for unpleasant responses from your children or students.
- When you’ve reminded them for the second or third time and no
reaction from them, stop. Instead, find out from him if you’ve been
heard.
- Reply “Sure, I will do it later” with “ When is that?”
- Choose the strategies that suit their age. Or combine the
strategies.
- Some teenagers prefer “The One Word Statement” to your lecture.
- Yet, they don’t like their name to be “The One Word Statement”
- Try to change your “NO”
Some Alternatives to “NO”
And
Give information (and leave out the “No”)

Accept feelings

Describe the problem

When possible, change it into a “Yes”

Give yourself time to think

 Let’s be Reflective!
• Have you ever done or said something unpleasant
to your kids to engage their cooperation? What
was that?
• If you were given a second chance, what would
you do/say to your kids?
 People have asked us, “If I use these skills appropriately, will my children
always respond?” our answer is: We would hope not. Children aren’t robots.
Besides, our purpose is not to set forth a series of techniques to manipulate
behavior so that the children always respond.

Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children—their intelligence,

their initiative, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their
ability to be sensitive to the needs of others.

We want to demonstrate the kind of respectful communication that we

hope our children will use with us—now, during their adolescent years, and
ultimately as our adult friends.

--- Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish ---