WITHOUT A “SERIOUS

QUARREL?”
 WHO SAID IT?

“I was just sure the first ten years would be bliss. But during our first
year together I discovered … there were a lot of adjustments. Of
course, they weren’t the kind of thing you ran home to mother about. But
I cried into my pillow now and again. The problems were almost always
related to learning to live on someone else’s schedule and to do things
someone else’s way. We loved each other, there was no doubt about
that. But we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has
to get used to each other.”
-- Sister Hinckley
 IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US…
• Wasn’t President Hinckley a great guy? Of course he was. But here is
the reality: Marriage is hard. Learning to live with someone quite
different from you takes significant time, effort, and selflessness. This is
true for all married couples, no matter their perceived similarities or
differences.
• So, if you are struggling to live with the differences between you and
your partner, it is probably a function of a lack of time, effort, or
selflessness.
 DIFFERENCES HAPPEN!
AND IT WAS DESIGNED THAT WAY!
• During this lesson, you are not going to get a step-by-step process of
overcoming differences in marriage. Later in the semester we will discuss
some principles to help with this process.
• However, it is important to note that the first step to working through
differences is to increase our understanding of their origin and purpose.
Some differences are purposeful, others are not. We will discuss this in this
lesson.
• Charity, the most important step to working through differences, is not easily
taught or learned. You are required to learn this for yourself.
 IS GENDER INNATE OR LEARNED?

This is a debatable question in the sciences. However,

with few exceptions, gender differences are clear from
a very young age. Consider the following:
 HERE IS HOW TWO YOUNG CHILDREN RESPONDED
TO THE SAME QUESTION:
What did you do at church today?
Girl (3 years): Boy (5 years):
• I went to sacrament meeting • I don’t remember
• Ate bread and water
• Had fruit snacks
• Went to nursery
• Happy at nursery
• Sang a song
• We ate a snack
• Waited for mommy to come
get me
• We got in the car
• Mommy buckled me in
• We waited for mommy to
turn on the air conditioner
• We drove home
• And then we saw Daddy!
 DIFFERENCES?
• If you are married, how do you handle the differences between
you and your spouse?
• We were obviously created differently on purpose. Why?
• How can this understanding help us during marital difficulties?
• What is the benefit for us to experience these differences in
mortality?
What was needed in order to enact the
Plan of Salvation?

Why did there have to be a Man and a

Woman at the very beginning?
AFTER PONDERING, CONSIDER THIS QUOTE FROM
ELDER BEDNAR…
WHY DID WE NEED A MAN AND A WOMAN
TO IMPLEMENT THE PLAN OF HAPPINESS?
“The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both
males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness. Alone, neither the
man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation.
By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection
and a fullness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males
and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences.
The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that
can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the
woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and
bless each other.” – Elder Bednar, ”Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”
Just because differences are not always readily
observable, it does not mean that essential and
eternal differences do not exist.
 SATAN’S ATTACK ON GENDER
• We were trained and prepared in the premortal realm to fulfill our purpose on
earth (D&C 138:56)
• “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal
identity and purpose.”
• We were prepared to come to earth to fulfill our respective roles as men or
women
• Knowing the essential and eternal role of gender, Satan is seeking to confuse and
distort this truth
• Knowing that we must become ONE, Satan seeks to highlight and accentuate
unnecessary gender differences and blur necessary ones.
IF DIFFERENCES ARE DIVINELY
PURPOSEFUL, HOW CAN
THEY BECOME A BAD THING
IN SOME MARRIAGES?
 PRESIDENT EYRING AT THE VATICAN:
“Where there is selfishness, natural differences of men and
women often divide. Where there is unselfishness, differences
become complementary and provide opportunities to help and
build each other. Spouses and family members can lift each
other and ascend together if they care more about the
interests of the other than their own interests.”
 BEWARE CONCERNING YOURSELVES
• How does the media portray women?
• Sisters: How does this portrayal affect you?
• What are some things that some women might feel justified to
do, because they are women?
• How does the media portray men?
• Brothers: How does this portrayal affect you?
• What are some things that some men might feel justified to
do, because they are men?
DON’T BE DECEIVED: BEWARE
CONCERNING YOURSELVES
It is erroneous to believe that because we
are male and female, certain poor
behaviors are justified.
 How do THESE depictions compare with who we are
supposed to be? What stereotypes do you see present?
Here is one example of how cultural
expectations can distort our
understanding of gender.
One Sunday I
looked over to see
my 6 year old son
drawing this picture.

If you can’t read it,

it says: “I love you. I
love you Garrett.”
(his best friend)
• How would you respond to this?
• What might society do if this type of behavior
doesn’t stop?
• Does it have to stop?
• Will it ever start again?
 There is nothing wrong with
writing love notes, at any age.
Consider the following quotes
taken from different biographies
of the apostles…
 FOLLOW THE BRETHREN!
• When Elder Russell M. Nelson was called to the Twelve, he sent Neal Maxwell
a note expressing gratitude for "the privilege of sitting beside you, that your
effective teaching and tutoring may continue infinitely.“
• Following a meeting, Elder M. Russell Ballard sent Elder Monson a note: “We
had an in-depth blessing this morning, and those of us who were present will
never be the same. You [Elder Monson] have always been a giant of a man in
my eyes, and this morning I saw in you a future President like David O. McKay.”
• Elder Holland wrote in a touching note of appreciation to President Monson just
days after his call to the Twelve. “I feel I have no better friend, no greater
defender, no more vocal advocate, no more loving example.”
 LET US BE MEN!
• President Monson expressed similar feelings to Elder Holland in a
note “In the fifth grade at age eleven, I won a marble championship. I
was very proud of a special flint marble which permitted me to win,
and many asked if I would loan to them this special marble for their
rounds of competition. I would only loan it to my own younger brother.
To you I would give the marble.”

• For years President Monson has kept a note from Elder Maxwell. “I love
you,” it says simply, and is signed, “Neal.”
DO MEN SEND EACH
OTHER NOTES AND
CARDS?
“No, men just don’t do things like that”
(Ogletree and Brinley)
This doesn’t have to be the case. We can reject
cultural attitudes toward gender that are
incongruent with who we ought to be.

In fact, we have an obligation to reject such

attitudes.
 BECOMING ONE

• Becoming one includes “putting off” the aspects of

maleness and femaleness that distance ourselves from
each other and Christ.
• It also includes embracing those differences of our
partner that will help strengthen and refine us.
 WORKING THROUGH DIFFERENCES?
• Seek to recognize the differences as what they really are
• “This difference in my partner is for my good.”
• View difficulties with differences as invitations to be more longsuffering
and patient.
• We should seek diligently to understand these differences from both
perspectives, mine and yours.
• How do my differences impact my spouse? Perhaps in negative ways?
• If natural differences are causing enduring problems, one or both are
probably being selfish.