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SEX

Sex Is Spoken Here!

Carole Goldberg, Psy.D




Director: S.H.A.R.E. Center at Yale

Sexual Harassment Assault Resources & Education

Psychologist, Mental Health &


Counseling Yale University Health

Services


Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry

Possible Topics
 

Pornography Issues facing teenage and young adult women such as the Hooking Up Culture or Girls Gone Wild, lost art of dating, premature sexual activity Dysfunctions or concerns about what does or doesnt happen Waning interest in sex: Sex in a relationship and how to rekindle desire

Discrepant levels of interest and/or desire Relationship difficulties and sex therapy

Possible Topics


The medicalization of sex or sexual he functioning drugs to enhance functioning performance such as Viagra and so forth

Topics Pertaining to Sex




   

Impact of medications/drugs on sexual functioning Birth Control Abortion Abstinence Sexual violence rape, incest, sexual assault, role of alcohol, and consent Effects, responses, recovery from oneonetime sexual trauma to incest, and/or victimization throughout the life span

Topics Pertaining to Sex


 

Religion and sex Family value systems: early teaching or lack of, how it shapes thinking How were taught to feel about our sexual bodies Body image/self esteem and the impact on sexual performance Role of privacy in the home

Topics Pertaining to Sex




 

Early relationship models - affection, support, acceptance, communication Eros of parenting Value of women - people or sexual objects Sexuality over a life span

Confusing Messages About Sex In Our Current Cultural Climate Mixed Messages

On One Hand.


  

There is a big to-do (and lots of tomoney) about abstinence education (that the research suggests doesnt work) No sex before marriage Sexual restraint: Religious purity Sexual prohibitions about certain practices, i.e. anal sex, oral sex, same sex partnering

On The Other Hand


 

 

Sex to sell movies, magazines and books Explicit sex in TV shows, movies, magazines, sports programs Sex to sell alcohol Sex to sell cosmetics and fragrances and everything else - from life savers to underwear (Victorias Secret! - not so under anymore) Fashion trends that promote provocative dress - era of the cleavage, low slung baggie pants on guys, low cut jeans, short skirts and dresses for women

More Topics That Pertain To Sex




 

Popularity of breast enhancement surgery, emphasis on appearance and objectification of body parts for sex appeal Sexualized violence Slasher films World Wide Wrestling entertainment

More Topics


ProPro-pornography 50 million Americans Availability of pornographic images


Introduction of the thong How to Make Love Like a Porn Star

Massive Divide


 

Disconnection between these points of view Great deal of hypocrisy One of the bigger difficulties and one that brings many people into my office
Marketing messages are not about intimacy establishing and maintaining a relationship with another person People are still not comfortable/able to talk on a one-to-one basis about their sexual feelings one-to wishes hopes desires - likes and dislikes

Marketing About Consumption Not Intimacy


Marketing message
It will just happen  Just bring your sexual organs to the event  You dont need a heart or a mind


People feel cheated confused disappointed They dont get what they want and have no idea how to proceed

What Is The Role of Sex In Our Lives As Women Today? Today?

Have conversations with yourself Pay attention to what comes to mind - thoughts feelings wishes thoughts hopes - and plans

Women tend to pay more attention to others Tend to pay more attention to outside than inside Important to pay attention to your inner world and because this is a talk about sex Necessity of letting sexual information into consciousness Importance of knowing/accepting your sexual self

Role of Judgments
Sexual differences What is it about . that is not OK

Talk out loud about sex

Sex Spoken Here! Is This OK With Everyone?


  

I welcome the opportunity to talk about sex Still fear shame guilt confusion - denial Certified Sex Therapist at the Mental Health & Counseling Center Variety of concerns
inability to have orgasms premature ejaculation questions about sexual orientation coming out or questioning confusion about how their bodies function (or dont) lack of information or accurate information possibility of gender reassignment surgery (process) and rere-entering ones world with a different body

  

Students or in the community Individual and adult couples Consistent difficulties for patients of all ages
Getting to know oneself desires wishes fantasies - functioning likes dislikes Putting all of that into words and sharing it with a partner

Sex Is a Huge Topic!

Identity


     

How you think about yourself sexually Interested? Not interested? Sexy? Sensual? Masculine? Feminine? Hard? Soft? Athletic? Healthy? Sick? Disabled?

Sexual Identity
   

Not sexual orientation Are you true to yourself Who is it for You - Others? The experience and thought process is the same whether you are gay or straight

Role Requirements
 

What is expected of you as a woman What do you expect of you as a woman What do you expect from other women

Development
  

   

What was it like growing up Going through puberty First ejaculatory experience for men and first period for women First kiss First experience of sexual touch First sexual intercourse Life-long impact on sex life Life-

Relationships


 

Romantic spousal friendships families colleagues All relationships have sexual components - expected behaviors rules - and sexual tension Confusing and/or conflicted feelings What do things mean

Touch
 

  

More of the brain is dedicated to touch than to any other sense Physical touch not only feels nice - its essential for our well-being wellExperts claim that when infants dont receive enough touching - it can stunt their growth - sometimes dramatically We all need to be touched Positive touch heals and comforts This includes intimate and sexual touching (day-to(day-to-day contact as well as foreplay)

Political


Our bodies shape, size, dress, and what we do with them (affairs, abortions) are political Sex appeal in candidates (Hillary and her cleavage, dress, makeup, hair, grey or not?) Ann Richards was quoted as saying: People can seldom recall the topic of my speech but they can describe what I was wearing in great detail! Role of sex in professional settings

Conversations


 

 

Talking is the most intimate thing we can do with another person How do we talk about sex Different with spouses/partners, than with colleagues, friends, children, parents Sexual encounters happen without words Many people have a difficult time talking about sex Very few models/examples

Educators & Teachers


 

How do we teach our kids sex Talks


Fun or rewarding experience Anxious and embarrassed Afraid they will ask us what we do

On a professional level - remarkable how little sex education (other than anatomy) happens in college, graduate school and medical schools today

Role Models
 

Who Do we have any

Violence & Trauma Sexualized Environment


  

Main focus on campus Significant impact on sexual function Significant impact on intimate relationships Significant impact on issues of trust and safety essential to an intimate relationship

Media & Marketing


 

Bombarded with sexual images daily Prevalence of couples talking about safer sex practices in a dramatic moment Anyone ever say Is what we are doing OK with you?

Aging


What do we understand about the changes in sensation and functioning Role of sex in a busy schedule

Does waning interest seem like a loss of identity or a relief Is loss of interest about sex or our partner What judgments or beliefs do we have about sexual activity and aging

Relationship With One Self

Masturbation And Orgasm

How does this fit into developing/strengthening a relationship?

Self Pleasuring


The positive aspects of self pleasuring have been negatively influenced by powerful religious beliefs and cultural myths that generally relegate it to the pile of unmentionables In researching their recent book, Kliger and Nedelman (2006) made some interesting observations Ive placed theirs and the findings of others in the following categories:

Self Awareness


A way of learning what you like and what you will respond to Being active or waiting for him/her to stumble on it (Do you have that much time?) This is another way of having a conversation with yourself

Joy Of Life
Top Ten Reasons to Have an Orgasm

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

It feels great Its free Its legal It reduces stress It burns calories It helps you fall asleep It reduces tension It can help you relieve menstrual cramps and headaches 9. Its available to you whether you have a partner or not 10. Why not?!
I Love Female Orgasm. Solot & Miller ( 2007) Orgasm.

Bonus: Theres nothing else quite like it!




Researchers who study women having orgasms in laboratories find that a womans sensitivity to pain is dramatically reduced when shes aroused and even lower when she is coming Pain reduction: Women who suffer from arthritis report having symptom relief that last for hours following an orgasm There may not be any casual link between masturbation and long life, but who knows? Almost all the women over 80 who were interviewed acknowledged that masturbation played an important role in the vitality the experienced in their lives Important way to be in control of ones own pleasure

Educational Value


The condemnation heaped on selfselfpleasuring can rob it of its potential as a source of self-knowledge selfThe majority (55%) of the women surveyed have sexual thoughts or fantasies at least once a week 11 percent have fantasies daily

(Kilger & Nedelman, 2006)

As our bodies go through multiple changes that characterize the pre and post-menopausal years, postthe substantial differences in sexual responsiveness and levels of desire can be disheartening and sometimes even frightening to women If were not comfortable with our body image, if were coping with physical illness and disability, or if we dont understand how physiological aging affects our sexual sensations, its easy to reach the conclusion that our sex lives are over when the same old patters of stimulation no longer lead to the same level of excitement or satisfaction

While you may find it helpful to learn that most older women experience these changes, the specifics of how your particular body is aging sexually are best uncovered on your own This is the educational value of masturbation Exploring how to pleasure yourself at any age, but in the new terrain of the beyondbeyond50 years, it provides you with direct feedback that instructs and informs

Whether you chose to use this information to enlighten your partner about how to please you, or to enhance your own private delights, selfself-pleasuring can provide personal evidence that your sexual responsiveness may be altered, but still alive

Kilger and Nedelman (2006)

Healing Power
 

Among the benefits of masturbation is the maintenance of vaginal health Women who masturbate in ways that involve vaginal penetration often maintain excellent vaginal function even when not in a relationship that involves sexual intercourse Dr. Christine Northrup - The Wisdom of
Menopause

Many women whose sexual sensations had been deadened by illness or by chemotherapy found that masturbation was essential to their healing

Independence


Masturbation is one way women can take control over their own sexual desire and maintain a sense of personal power Lessens the need to rely exclusively on the attention of a partner to fulfill sexual needs For many it is a way to reconnect with their inner selves A personal sense of well being enhances relationships

Orgasms
 

Major misunderstandings are rampant concerning female arousal and orgasm Old myths involved female passivity and less sexual capacity Women feel pressure to be like men have one orgasm during intercourse Old repressive myths have given way to new performance myths - the belief that the woman must have an orgasm each time - that orgasm is the only means of satisfaction - that nothing equals a G spot orgasm - that being multimultiorgasmic is superior to having a single orgasm

Orgasms: Orgasms:


The scientifically valid concept is that female sexual response is more variable, flexible, and complex than is the male sexual response Male response is more predictable and stereotyped (i.e., he has one orgasm during intercourse) The woman can be non-orgasmic - singly nonorgasmic - or multi-orgasmic multiOrgasms can occur in the pleasuring/foreplay period - through intercourse - or during after play More variable or flexible - not better or

No one right way to experience orgasm




Only one in four women follows the male model of a single orgasm during intercourse The most common pattern for Jane and Joe Average - Jane orgasmic with manual or oral stimulation (or both) during pleasuring - Joe orgasmic during intercourse Many women can be orgasmic during intercourse, but many find it easier/more satisfying to be orgasmic with non-intercourse sex or with nonmultiple stimulation during intercourse

Film Clip
Passion & Power: The Technology of Orgasm Filmmakers: Wendy Slick & Emiko Omori www.thetechnologyoforgasm.com

Rachel Maines
Book Published: 1999


Graduate of Carnegie-Mellon University with a Carnegiefocus on the History of Technology Book/film reveals, for the first time that, disguised as a medical treatment, Victorian doctors from the 1880s to the 1920s regularly messaged hysterical female patients to orgasm. She unearths a secret history of how institutions define womens sexuality for power and profit. Pursuing this history caused her to lose her college teaching job and to become one of Johns Hopkins best selling authors.

Betty Dobson


Credited as the godmother of the masturbation movement of the 1070s Brought the exiled vibrator back into womens lives

Dell Williams
 

Feminist pioneer Opened the first sex toy store for women in the 1970s Eves Garden, NYC

Most women do not have an orgasm at each sexual opportunity




Approximately 20% of women have a multimulti-orgasmic response pattern There is no evidence that women who are multimulti-orgasmic feel more satisfied than women who are singly orgasmic The healthy concept is to develop an arousal and orgasm pattern that allows the woman to enjoy sexual experiences and be orgasmic when or if she would like to be

Gina Ogden: The Heart and Soul of Sex




Any stored feelings can morph into physical symptoms and can contribute to sexual problems from low sexual desire to inhibited arousal and orgasm. The point is, if you want your sexual experience to flow and nourish you, you cant be saying both yes and no at the same moment in time reaching out and letting go, holding on and letting go.

More from Gina




In my experience, our orgasms involve more than hormone levels or smart techniques. They also involve frame of reference how you think about sex, how you feel about your body, your personal power, and your partner.

THANK YOU!

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