Conflict Resolution:

When Crucial Conversations Matter

By Stephanie Demiris, MA
Member Relations & Services Specialist, AACN
 Objectives:
• Gain a mutual understanding of the definition of conflict
resolution.

• Gain a mutual understanding of what crucial conversations are

and when we need to have them?

• Identify our individual styles under stress.

• Gain a mutual understanding of the key components of conflict

resolution.

• Explore the art of contrasting.

• Role playing group activity

• Bring it all together.

 Conflict Resolution Defined:
What is conflict resolution?
Conflict resolution is a process of working through opposing views in order to
reach a common goal or mutual purpose.

Historical context of conflict resolution:

• Evolved in 1950s and 1960s at the height of the Cold War when the
development of nuclear weapons and conflict between superpowers was
threatening human survival.

• Small group of scholars from different disciplines came together to

study conflict as a general phenomenon (e.g., international relations,
domestic politics, industrial relations, communities, families and between
individuals).

• Conflict resolution as we know it in the business world came about in the

late 1980s and early 1990s.
 Crucial Conversations:

A discussion between two or more people where:

• The stakes are high

• Opinions vary
• Emotions run strong

We typically handle these conversations by:

• Avoiding them
• Facing them and handling them poorly
• Facing them and handling them well
Two Responses to Crucial
Conversations:

Fight  or  Flight

or

Silence  to  Violence
 If we go to silence:

• We avoid – we steer clear of sensitive subjects; quickly change

the subject

• Don’t say anything – we withdraw or leave

• Blame the group, hoping the message will hit the right target

• Looks of disgust

• Sarcasm – we mask our true feelings; we sugarcoat

We go to silence when we feel unsafe

 If we go to violence:
• We verbally attack – we are threatening or belittling
• Act like we know everything
• We discredit others
• Use the power of the boss to force our way
• Control – we force our views by cutting others off, speaking in
absolutes, changing subjects and in turn not giving others a
chance to share their view
• Subtly manipulate
• We label or stereotype
We go to violence when we feel unsafe
 Why should we have crucial
conversations?

• It will improve our health

• It will improve our relationships

• It will enhance our job performance and success

• It will make a difference

How do we have crucial
conversations?

DIALOGUE
 What’s your style under stress?

• Let’s find out by spending some time answering the

questions.

• When you complete the questions, refer to the

scoring sheet to find out what your score means.

-We are always in control to change our

behavior-
 Key Components of Conflict
Resolution:
There are 4 key components to conflict resolution:

• Controlling emotional responses

• Seeking understanding

• Identifying needs and common interests

• Seeking mutual benefit or purpose

 Control Emotional Responses:
• Start with yourself first – the only person you can control

• Reflect – what story are you telling yourself about the situation?
Is it either/or thinking (look for the “and”)?
• recognize how you are positioned (your personal bias’; your
beliefs, attitudes, values, etc.).

• Clarify what you don’t want

• Ask yourself what your motives are. Do others trust your
motives?
• Ask yourself what you really want out of this. Do others
believe I care about their goals in the conversation?

-Step Out. Make It Safe. Step Back In.-

 Seek Understanding:
• Master your story
• Notice your behavior – are you moving to silence or violence?
• Get in touch with your feelings
• Refocus on facts – hold your view as a hypothesis (we are
aware of our own intentions, but we are rarely aware of other
person’s intentions)

• Ask for their story

• Make it safe – help make others feel safe to share their story
• Carefully listen – acknowledge feelings
• Be willing to change your story as they add to the pool of
shared meaning

• Keep in mind . . . .
• Storytelling is automatic and happens quickly
• A set of facts can be used to tell a number of stories
• Once a story is told, it controls us
Understand Impact and Intentions:

We
interpret
the impact
on us

We judge
and
Event interpret
other’s
intent

We
Interpret
what we
see/hear

Our past We react to

stories, the feelings
experiences from these
and life thoughts
history

Our values
and
identities
 Identify Needs and Common
Interests:

• Listen and hear clearly what others need

• Look for mutuality

• Use contrasting statements to state clearly what

your needs are
 Why Contrasting Statements?

• Contrasting statements are Do/Don’t statements that:

• Address others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that
you had a malicious purpose (e.g., I don’t want . . . .)
• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (e.g., I do
want . . . .)

• Contrasting is important because:

• It deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk
• It provides context and proportion
• Can be used as prevention or first aid

• Group Contrasting Role Playing Exercise

• Break up into 3 groups and spend some time going over the
contrasting activity
 Seeking Mutual Benefit or Purpose:
• Commit to seek mutual purpose by truly caring about the interests of
others

• Work towards mutual respect – do others believe I respect them?

• Brainstorm new strategies together – invite opposing viewpoints and

play devil’s advocate

• Agree where you can

• If others leave something out, then agree where you can and build
from there

• If you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong, rather,

compare your views.
 Points to Consider:

Ask yourself the following questions:

• How did we each contribute to the current

situation?
• How can we change it? What can we do about it as
we move forward?

Don’t let the conflict control you.

The conflict is not who we are.
 Conclusion:
Six things to keep in mind
when in a crucial conversation

• Start with yourself – reflect

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for their story (and be open to hearing it!)

• Encourage dialogue by enacting mutual purpose

• Talk, Talk, Talk

 References Cited:

American Association of Critical-Care Nurses. 2002. It’s All

About You: A Blueprint for Influencing Practice. Aliso Viejo,
Calif: American Association of Critical-Care Nurses Publication.

Patterson, K., et.al. 2002. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking

When Stakes are High. New York: McGraw-Hill.

http://www.crucialconversations.com