Understanding Dysfunction in the Family

Isabelita M. Samaniego MD

Session Objectives
1. To describe the difference between a healthy & a dysfunctional family. 2. To describe the common roles of children raised by a dysfunctional family. 3. To describe the ways to overcome the effects of a dysfunctional family.

Characteristics of a Healthy Family

Appreciation for each other Quality time spent together Good communication patterns High degree of commitment High degree of religious orientation  Ability to cope with crisis     

How do Healthy Families Work?

 They may have yelling, bickering,
misunderstanding, tension, hurt and anger but not all the time  Members can freely ask for and give attention  Each member is encouraged to pursue his/her own interests  Mistakes are allowed

Teaching Process in Families

Clear idea of what is to be taught Awareness that each parent has of what he is modeling Knowledge of how to interest the other in following that model Communication to make it work

Dysfunctional Family
 This is not a family that has problem
 It is defined as a family that refuses to confront its problems.  Abuse and/or neglect is perpetuated upon the child and is enforced by the Dont rules.

Dont Rules
Its NOT OK to talk about problems Feelings are not openly expressed Communication is often indirect with one person acting as messenger Unrealistic expectations: be good, right, perfect, make us proud. Do as I say , not as I do. Dont rock the boat

Dysfunctional Rules
Communicated by parents and /or adult care givers and prohibit family members from generating life based on their core gifts and talents

Dysfunctional Parenting
 When the relationship between two
  adult parents does not satisfy the needs of one or both

 They look to their child as a way to meet  their needs, thus, the child is robbed of  childhood and abused by their parents.

Types of Dysfunction in Families

Some parents Under-Function
leave their children to fend themselves

Other parents Over-Function

never allow their children to grow up and be on their own

Other parents are Inconsistent

- violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior

What Goes Wrong in Dysfunctional Families?

Deficient Parents
- Parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission Chronic mental illness or disabling physical illness contribute to parental inadequacy Children tend to take an adult responsibilities from a young age Children are robbed of their own childhood

 Controlling Parents
Parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age Parents are driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children - Children feel guilty when they act independently Children feel resentful, inadequate and powerless Transition into adult roles are quite difficult

 Alcoholic Parents
Families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable Rules that apply one day dont apply the next Emotional expression is forbidden Keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help Children are left feeling confused, insecure, frustrated and angry Children are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism

 Abusive Parents
Verbal Abuse
belittling criticism some are very direct, others use subtle putdowns disguised as humor

Physical Abuse
urge to strike their children justify the abuse as discipline intended to help the child create an environment of terror children often feel anger

Factors of Birth Order

Birth Order is the complex patterns of behavior

which family members believe necessary in order for the family to survive and perform its task. It serves as a framework for examining the interaction of individual within the family and correlated with their ordinal position

First Born
 Great achievers: more overt pressure on first born to achieve  Responsible for the explicit demands of a situation  An advocate for the success and/or unfulfilled hopes of parents

Succeeding Children
Second Child
* acts out the conflict and tension in the family * feel and act as though they are are an extension of another person * response maybe by indirect maneuvers

Third Child
* suggests more instability i.e. throws the coalition off balance * increases the need for additional maintenance capacity

Fourth Child
* become trouble-shooters * strong need for recognition and approval * conscious of the distribution of power and responsibility

Beyond the 4th child

* child #5 repeat #1 * child #6 repeat #2, with more complexity * child #7 repeat #3, at a different stage of parents marital history * child #8 repeat # 4, with different cycle as well as amidst huge complexity.

Adulthood of the Children

 The birth order of the couples has a lot to do with
how they relate in marriage and find satisfaction in the relationships.  Typical birth order competition accelerates in marriage if birth order of the couple has competitive aspects in it.

We learn our world as adults, in part, from our birth order learning as children. We react to our own children of the same birth order as ourselves or in competition with that child. Our coalition with those in our family oforigin will be reflected in how we perceive, relate, and take responsibility for children of those birth orders in our present family.

Adult Child of a Dysfunctional Family

Adults with childhood pain who are unable to trust anyone or anything Occurs when their family of origin does not provide an atmosphere of trust Thus, the adult has an inner, confused and distrusting child in him

Problems often seen in Adult Children

Guessing what normal is Judging themselves without mercy Taking themselves very seriously Difficulty with intimate relationships Constantly seeking approval and affirmation Being either overly responsible or overly irresponsible Avoiding conflict or aggravating it, but rarely dealing with it Fear of rejection and abandonment, yet rejecting others

Roles in the Dysfunctional Family

There are family roles which create special strengths in children from dysfunctional families These children hide the scars leading to patterns of behavior which can be problematic and difficult to relinquish in adulthood.

Survivor Roles
The roles required in order to survive in the world. These roles become rigid. As adult children, we become hypervigilant in the defense of safety and sanity, and roles displace our free choices in the development of our personalities.

Common Roles
Enabler
 Chief Protector: hides dependents mistakes  acts with sincere sense of love and loyalty  motivated by fear of the consequences of the dependents behavior  result is a growing self-doubt, self-hatred, guilt, anger, fear.

Family Hero (Super Achiever)

-usually the eldest - gives up needs and feelings to make things right - become perfectionist - predominant emotion is ANGER, but is ashamed of his anger and buries it deep inside.

 Scapegoat/Distracter
- always outcast - underachiever, hostile, rebellious - self-destructive, no selfworth - sees family as having failed him - intense ANGER to mask feelings of rejection

Mascot/comedian
-usually the youngest -becomes the clown, entertainer to help release tension - very anxious and confused - runs away from problems, hard time dealing with stress

 Quiet Lost Child

-withdraws from family chaos - becomes a loner, a stranger to this family - shy and introvert, difficulty socializing - lacks self-worth and turns the pain inward

Impact on Adult Functioning

Difficulty knowing what is normal Tendency to be self-critical A strong need for control Difficulty with intimate relationships Confuse feelings or may allow only certain feelings Difficulty expressing needs Exaggerated sense of responsibility Difficulty being spontaneous and having fun

Basic Emotional Needs Acceptance

 It is the experience of being unconditionally received just as we are.  As children, we may have faults, make mistakes, deserve and receive reprimand, but each of us needs to know we have a home in this family.

Appreciation
It is the experience of having someone take delight in us. We need to be special in at least one persons heart

Approval
It is the experience of being congratulated for success and mastery When parents neglect to respond with approval, a child is denied access to feedback about the value of accomplishment

Affirmation
- It

is a parental act valuing the childs individuality.

- If a child must think, feel and act according to the preferences of parents . . . .
identity is confused with conformity

Affection
A primal need Even in the womb we needed affection: skin hunger for tender touch. A need to be touched caringly, stroked lovingly and embraced tenderly.

Breaking the Dysfunction

The hurting inside began in the womb and continues for the rest of our lives until and unless Trust is restored. All childhood pains result in Spiritual Dryness.

How Can We Overcome the Effects of a Dysfunctional Family ? A number of our valuable skills were developed to get us through tough circumstances. Many of our survival behaviors that we had developed are our best assets

Let us not lose sight of our good qualities. Learn to parent ourselves in healthier ways Do nice things for our inner child Bolster our self-esteem with positive message Learn to recognize our feelings and needs Take responsibility for ones own life Allow the process of letting go of blame to emerge Form connections with people who can nurture us or mentors who can inspire, guide and provide us with healthy role modeling

Remember

Were not responsible for changing or "fixing" the whole family.

We re responsible and in control of taking care of our self and making the changes we want. Change is difficult and takes time; be patient with our self.

The Need for HEALING

Healing is not only possible but essential for the sake of a more wholesome life --- our own, our childrens, and the survival of the of the world.

Think it over...

Summary
1.Explained the difference between a healthy & a dysfunctional family. 2. Described the common roles of children raised by a dysfunctional family. 3. Described the ways to overcome the effects of a dysfunctional family.