Love and Relationships

Agenda

1) Link to Gender Differences

2) Factors influencing attraction
3) Theories of Love
4) Long term relationships
5) Other issues
 Links to Gender Differences

Studies by Lefkowitz (2002)

 Link from Gender Differences
What women talk about more:
Sexual behavior, Sexual feelings, Dating and
romantic relationships, “Making out," The
dangers of sex, Abstinence, How attractive
members of the other sex were, How attractive
they themselves were, Date rape and
Contraception
What men talk about more:
Masturbation
 Link from Gender Differences

So where to the stereotypes come from?

Go out Sleep with

with
Men 56 91

Women 47 0
 Link from Gender Differences

So where to the stereotypes come from?

7
How 6

acceptable is 5

it it to sleep 4 Women
Men
with a person 3
2
if you’ve
1
known them:
0
1 day 1 month 6 months 2 years
 Link from Gender Differences

So where to the stereotypes come from?

Men are considerably more likely to

misinterpret a female’s friendly behavior as
indicating sexual interest (Le Bouef, in press)

Evolution and mate selection (Buss, 1995)

 Factors Influencing Attraction

1) Proximity
2) Physical Attractiveness
3) Similarity
4) Reciprocity
5) Conditioning
6) Courtship
 Proximity

Reasons why proximity plays a role in attraction

1) Mere exposure
2) More opportunities to meet, interact
3) People are likely to live near people of
similar economic, social backgrounds
 Proximity

Mere exposure (Zajonc, 1966; Moreland & Beach

1992)
4.6
4.4
4.2
Ratings of 4

attraction. 3.8
3.6
3.4
3.2
3
0 5 10 15
 Proximity

More opportunities to meet, interact:

Homes for elderly, college campuses distance
between rooms predicts attraction (Nahemow &
Lawton, 1975)
Manipulating dorm assignments (Festinger, 1950)
Random (alphabetized) seating assignments in
class (Segal, 1974)
 Proximity

People are likely to live near people of similar

economic, social backgrounds:
Wealth, class, ethnicity, and education levels
tend to cluster by neighborhood (U.S. Census
Bureau, 1990).
People with similar backgrounds are inclined to
like each other more (Newcomb, 1956).
 Physical Attraction

People like beauty. Halo effects (Hatfield et al,

1986)
More attractive people get lower bail set,
(Downs & Lyons, 1991), more easily influence
others (Chaiken, 1979), earn more money
(Hamermesh & Biddle, 1994).
#1 predictor of date satisfaction for males is the
attractiveness of the partner (Sprecher & Duck,
1994)
 Physical Attraction

Beauty is objective:
2) High level of agreement across cultures
(Langlois et al, 2000)
3) Certain features of faces are reliably
associated with attractiveness (Cunningham,
1986)
4) Babies prefer attractive faces (Cowley,
1996).
 Physical Attraction

Beauty is subjective:
2) Different cultures “improve” beauty in
different ways (Newman, 2000).
3) Different body types are judged to be more
attractive in different parts of the world
(Anderson et. al 1992)
4) Body type standards vary over time
(Silverstein et al, 1986).
 Physical Attraction

Things that people agree on:

2) Symmetrical faces are more attractive
 Physical Attraction

Things that people agree on:

2) More average faces are more attractive
3) Waist/hip ratio for women is judged
similarly across culture. Men prefer waists
1/3 narrower than hips (Singh, 1993)
4) Across culture, women prefer men to have a
V-shaped physique (Singh, 1995)
 Physical Attraction

Things that people agree on:

5) Women who have large eyes, prominent
cheekbones, small bones and a wide smile
are judged more attractive (Cunningham,
1986)
6) Men with broad jaws and chiseled features
are judged more attractive (Cunningham et
al, 1990).
 Physical Attraction

Situational influences on attraction:

2) Contrast effects (Kenrick et al, 1993)
3) Opinions of same sex peers (for women)
(Graziano et al, 1993)
4) Girls all get prettier at closing time effect,
(Gladue & Delaney, 1990)
5) Glasses (Terry & Macy, 1991)
 Physical Attraction

Good male names: Alexander, Joshua, Mark,

Henry, Scott, Taylor.
Good female names: Elizabeth, Mary, Jessica,
Ann, Brittany, Isabella
Bad male names: Otis, Roscoe, Norbert, Ogden,
Willard, Eugene
Bad female names: Mildred, Frieda, Agatha,
Harriet, Rosalyn, Tracy
 Similarity

Schuster & Elderton (1906)

Married couples report significant agreement
about politics and religion.
Friends were more similar in attitudes,
beliefs, values, and interests.
Correlation does not imply causation.
 Similarity

Demonstrating that similarity is responsible for

attraction (Newcomb, 1956)
Gave students free rent in a dorm in exchange
for being study participants.
Took measures of attitudes on different topics
before students arrived on campus.
Over the course of the year, students with
similar attitudes reported more attraction to
each other
 Similarity

Proportion of similar attitudes scale (Byrne &

Nelson, 1965)
14
12
10
Attraction 8
Ratings 6
4
2
0
0 0.2 0.4 0.6 0.8 1
 Similarity

Rosenbaum’s (1986) repulsion hypothesis

Smeaten et. al (1989) proportion hypothesis

After a decade of argument, it appears that the

proportion hypothesis is correct.
 Similarity

Matching Hypothesis: We like those who are

like ourselves (Galton, 1870).
Romantic pairs are similar in physical
attractiveness (Zajonc et al, 1987)
Even college roommates, prefer to be of
similar attractiveness (Carlie et al. 1991)
Sense of humor particularly important (Cann
et al., 1995)
 Reciprocity

People like positive feedback (Coleman,

Jussim, & Abraham, 1987).
Even obvious attempts at flattery increase
liking (Drachman et. al. 1978).
Being liked leads to positive interpersonal
behavior (1986).
 Reciprocity

Over time, people prefer increasing affinity

rather than decreasing affinity (Aronson et al,
1965).
This has been referred to as the “couple’s
curse”.
 Reciprocity

Playing hard to get

Very hard to get empirical data supporting
this strategy (Walster et al, 1973)
Although people prefer moderately selective
mates to those with no selectivity, lack of
perceived interest is typically perceived as a
turn off (Wright & Contrada, 1986).
 Conditioning

Association with positive or negative stimulus

influences attractiveness ratings.
Negative mood leads to lower attractiveness
ratings (Byrne & Clore, 1970).
Unpleasant background music when meeting
a person leads to subsequent lower
attractiveness ratings (May & Hamilton, 1980)
 Courtship

1) Opening Lines
2) Female Courtship Rituals
3) Male Courtship Rituals
Introductions
 Introductions

Kleinke et al, 1986;

Investigated what people say when trying to
meet somebody they don’t know (pick up lines)
Typical Answers:
• “Hi, I’m easy, are you?”
• “Where are you from”
• “Hi. I’m a little embarrassed about this, but
I’d like to get to know you.
 Introductions

Kleinke et al, 1990; Cunningham, 1989

Looked at the effectiveness of different types of
opening lines in laboratory, and then real life
settings
6.6
6.4
Likeability

6.2
6
5.8
5.6
5.4
5.2
5
Flippant Innocuous Direct
 Introductions

Kleinke et al, 1990; Cunningham, 1989

Setting Best Line Worst Line
Bar Do you want to Bet I can out-drink
dance? you!
Laundromat Want to have a cup of Those are some
coffee while we’re nice undies you
waiting have there
Beach Want to play frisbee? Let me see your
strap marks.
 Female Courtship Rituals

Women’s flirting behavior Eibl-Eibesfeldt (1989):

2) Smile
3) Lift Eyebrows in fast jerky motion
4) Open their eyes wide
5) Lower their eyelids
6) Tilt heads down and to the side
7) Look away
 Female Courtship Rituals

Moore (1985; 1989):

Female courtship behaviors were defined as that
specific subset of nonverbal behavior that
consistently resulted in male attention
52 items identified
Courtship found to be more important that
physical attraction for garnering male interest.
 Female Courtship Rituals

Type I, II, III glances, Eyebrow flash, head toss,

hair flip, face to face, lipstick application, lip
lick, lip pout, smiling, laugh, giggling, kissing,
whisper, arm flexion, tapping, palming,
gesticulation, hand hold, primp, skirt hike, object
caress, caress (hair, leg, buttock, arm, torso, back),
lean, brush, breast touch, thigh tough, foot to foot,
placement, Lateral body contact, parade,
approach, promenade, pinching, tickling.
 Male Courtship Rituals

Male courtship rituals:

Submissive displays: Palms up, shoulder shrug,
tilt head.
Dominance displays: Entering personal space,
putting arm around shoulder, swagger.
Resources displays: Paying for food, drink.
Wearing expensive clothes. Bragging.
 Male Courtship Rituals

Male rituals harder to chronicle (Taflinger, 1996):

The less ritualized and more original his approach

is, the more likely a woman is to accept it

This leads to ad hoc courtship by human males.

 Theories of Love

1) Love Styles
2) Triarchic Model of Love
3) Equity Theory
Love Styles
 Love Styles

Hendrick & Hendrick (1993):

Had subjects write “personal account or story
of a romantic relationship”.
Did a factor analysis on prevalence of
different themes/adjectives
Found 6 love styles – romantic partners tend
to have similar love styles (Morrow et al, 1995)
 Love Styles

Eros – Passionate Love

• Love at first sight
• 34% of subjects rate ‘high’ on this scale
• Men typically have higher ratings
• Sample Question: My lover and I were
attracted to each other immediately after we
first met.
 Love Styles

Storge – Friendship Love

• Very close friendship becomes love
• 66% of subjects rate ‘high’ on this scale
• Women typically have higher ratings
• Sample Question: Love is really a deep
friendship, not a mysterious, mystical
emotion.
 Love Styles

Ludus – Game-Playing Love

• Flirtatious and not committed
• 2% of subjects rate ‘high’ on this scale
• Men typically have higher ratings
• Sample Question: I have sometimes had to
keep my two lovers from finding out about
each other.
 Love Styles

Mania – Possessive Love

• Feeling of ownership over lover
• 2% of subjects rate ‘high’ on this scale
• Women typically have higher ratings
• Sample Question: I cannot relax if I
suspect that my lover is with somebody else.
 Love Styles

Pragma – Logical Love

• Cognitive appreciation for other’s quality
• 17% of subjects rate ‘high’ on this scale
• Women typically have higher ratings
• Sample Question: It is best to love
somebody with a similar background.
 Love Styles

Agape – Selfless Love

• Putting one’s lover above one’s self
• 2% of subjects rate ‘high’ on this scale
• Highly correlated with religiosity
• Sample Question: I would rather suffer
than let my lover suffer.
 Triarchic Model of Love

Three aspects of love (Sternberg, 1986):

Intimacy: Closeness two people feel
psychologically, how well partners understand
each other.
Passion: The amount of physical/sexual attraction
and romance.
Commitment: The cognitive factors such as the
decision to maintain the relationship.
 Triarchic Model of Love

Intimacy = Liking

I + P = Romantic I+C=
Love Companionate Love
Consummate
Love
Passion = Commitment =
Infatuation P+C= Empty Love
Fatuous Love
 Equity Theory

Homans, 1969; Messick & Cook, 1983

• Economic model of love
• Rewards include love, companionship,
consolation, sexual gratification, social
acceptance
• Costs include work to maintain
relationship, conflict, compromise, sacrifice
of other opportunities for relationships
 Equity Theory

Your Benefits Partner’s Benefits

Your Contributions = Partner’s Contributions

Comparison Level = average expected outcome of

the relationship
Comparisons for alternatives = expectation of
what could be received in a different relationship
Investment = what must be put into a relationship
that can not be recovered if the relationship ends.
 Successful Relationships

Terman et al (1935)
Investigated hundreds of couples, and
looked at the 100 happiest, 100 least happy
(but still married) and 100 divorced couples.

500 item psychological scale

 Remaining Agenda

1) Successful Relationships
2) Unsuccessful Relationships
3) Other Things
4) Homework
 Successful Relationships

Items on which happy couples were more

similar:
1) Avoiding arguments (‘yes dear’)
2) Contributing to charity
3) Reaction to illness
4) Being alone vs. being with friends
during stressful times.
 Successful Relationships

Attitudes about others on which happy

couples were more similar:
1) Energetic People
2) Dentists
3) Conservatives and Liberals
4) Life Insurance
 Successful Relationships

Over the long haul, things that happier

marriages tend to have:
1) The woman maintains passionate love
(Alexander & Higgins, 1993).
2) More joint activities and projects
3) Laughing together
4) Satisfaction with children (if there are kids)
 Unsuccessful Relationships

Over the long haul, things that lead to divorce:

1) Infidelity/Jealousy
2) Failure to compromise
3) Failure to express emotions/communicate
4) Dissimilarity emerging over time (or being
discovered over time).
5 ) Sexual dissatisfaction
 Other Issues

Misattribution of Arousal
Loneliness
Internet Dating
Soul mate vs. Work it out theorists
Breaking up
 Homework

1) Watch “When Harry Met Sally”

2) Dating for Dummies, Chapters 7 & 8
3) Quiz on what women want
4) The Rules
5) The system
6) Pickup lines
7) Commercials (will email URLs)
The End